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diff --git a/28305-8.txt b/28305-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7e7d6b --- /dev/null +++ b/28305-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1998 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Likely Story, by William Dean Howells + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Likely Story + +Author: William Dean Howells + +Release Date: March 11, 2009 [EBook #28305] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LIKELY STORY *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards, Diane Monico, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from scans of public domain material +produced by Microsoft for their Live Search Books site.) + + + + + + + + + + + +A + +LIKELY STORY + +BY +W. D. HOWELLS. + +HARPER'S +BLACK & WHITE +SERIES + + + + +A LIKELY STORY + + +[Illustration: "THE MOST EXCITING PART."] + + + + +A LIKELY STORY + +Farce + + +BY + +W. D. HOWELLS + + +ILLUSTRATED + +[Illustration] + +NEW YORK +HARPER AND BROTHERS +1894 + + + + +Harper's "Black and White" Series. + +Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, 50 cents each. + + +_LATEST ISSUES:_ + + FIVE O'CLOCK TEA. Farce. By W. D. Howells. + + THE MOUSE-TRAP. Farce. By W. D. Howells. + + A LIKELY STORY. Farce. By W. D. Howells. + + THIS PICTURE AND THAT. A Comedy. By Brander Matthews. + + TRAVELS IN AMERICA 100 YEARS AGO. By Thomas Twining. + + MY YEAR IN A LOG CABIN. By William Dean Howells. + + EVENING DRESS. A Farce. By William Dean Howells. + + THE WORK OF WASHINGTON IRVING. By Charles Dudley Warner. + + EDWIN BOOTH. By Laurence Hutton. + + PHILLIPS BROOKS. By Rev. Arthur Brooks, D.D. + + THE DECISION OF THE COURT. A Comedy. By Brander Matthews. + + GEORGE WILLIAM CURTIS. By John White Chadwick. + + THE UNEXPECTED GUESTS. A Farce. By William Dean Howells. + + SLAVERY AND THE SLAVE TRADE IN AFRICA. By Henry M. Stanley. + + THE RIVALS. By François Coppée. + + WHITTIER: NOTES OF HIS LIFE AND OF HIS FRIENDSHIPS. By Annie + Fields. + + THE JAPANESE BRIDE. By Naomi Tamura. + + GILES COREY, YEOMAN. By Mary E. Wilkins. + + COFFEE AND REPARTEE. By John Kendrick Bangs. + +PUBLISHED BY HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW YORK. + +_For sale by all booksellers, or will be sent by the publishers, +postage prepaid, on receipt of price._ + + +Copyright, 1894, by HARPER & BROTHERS. + +Copyright, 1885, by HARPER & BROTHERS. + +Copyright, 1885, by W. D. HOWELLS. + +_All rights reserved._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + +Chapter Page + + I MR. AND MRS. WILLIS CAMPBELL 7 + + II MR. WELLING; MR. CAMPBELL 29 + + III MRS. CAMPBELL; MR. WELLING; MR. CAMPBELL 34 + + IV JANE; MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL 39 + + V MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL 41 + + VI JANE; MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL 43 + + VII MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL 44 + +VIII MISS RICE, MISS GREENWAY, and the OTHERS 48 + + IX MISS GREENWAY; MR. WELLING 50 + + X MISS RICE; then MR. and MRS. CAMPBELL, and the OTHERS 53 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + +"THE MOST EXCITING PART OF IT" _Frontispiece_ + +MR. WELLING EXPLAINS _Facing page 52_ + + + + +A LIKELY STORY + + + + +I + +_MR. AND MRS. WILLIS CAMPBELL_ + + +Mrs. Campbell: "Now this, I think, is the most exciting part of the +whole affair, and the pleasantest." She is seated at breakfast in her +cottage at Summering-by-the-Sea. A heap of letters of various stylish +shapes, colors, and superscriptions lies beside her plate, and +irregularly straggles about among the coffee-service. Vis-à-vis with her +sits Mr. Campbell behind a newspaper. "How prompt they are! Why, I +didn't expect to get half so many answers yet. But that shows that where +people have nothing to do _but_ attend to their social duties they are +always prompt--even the men; women, of course, reply early anyway, and +you don't really care for them; but in town the men seem to put it off +till the very last moment, and then some of them call when it's over to +excuse themselves for not having come after accepting. It really makes +you wish for a leisure class. It's only the drive and hurry of American +life that make our men seem wanting in the _convenances_; and if they +had the time, with their instinctive delicacy, they would be perfect: it +would come from the heart: they're more truly polite now. Willis, just +_look_ at this!" + +Campbell, behind his paper: "Look at what?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "These replies. Why, I do believe that more than half the +people have answered already, and the invitations only went out +yesterday. That comes from putting on R.S.V.P. I knew I was right, and I +shall always do it, I don't care what _you_ say." + +Campbell: "You didn't put on R.S.V.P. after all I said?" He looks round +the edge of his paper at her. + +Mrs. Campbell: "_Yes_, I did. The idea of your setting up for an +authority in such a thing as that!" + +Campbell: "Then I'm sorry I didn't ask you to do it. It's a shame to +make people say whether they'll come to a garden-party from four till +seven or not." + +Mrs. Campbell: "A shame? How can you provide if you don't know how many +are coming? I should like to know that. But of course I couldn't expect +you to give in gracefully." + +Campbell: "I should give in gracefully if I gave in at all, but I +don't." He throws his paper down beside his chair. "Here, hand over the +letters, and I'll be opening them for you while you pour out the +coffee." + +Mrs. Campbell, covering the letters with her hands: "Indeed you won't!" + +Campbell: "Well, pour out the coffee, then, anyway." + +Mrs. Campbell, after a moment's reflection: "No, I shall not do it. I'm +going to open them every one before you get a drop of coffee--just to +punish you." + +Campbell: "To punish me? For what?" Mrs. Campbell hesitates, as if at a +loss what to say. "There! you don't know." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Yes, I do: for saying I oughtn't to have put on R.S.V.P. +Do you take it back?" + +Campbell: "How can I till I've had some coffee? My mind won't work on an +empty stomach. Well--" He rises and goes round the table towards her. + +Mrs. Campbell, spreading both arms over the letters: "Willis, if you +dare to touch them, I'll ring for Jane, and then she'll see you cutting +up." + +Campbell: "Touch what? I'm coming to get some coffee." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Well, I'll give you some coffee; but don't you touch a +single one of those letters--after what you've said." + +Campbell: "All right!" He extends one hand for the coffee, and with the +other sweeps all the letters together, and starts back to his place. As +she flies upon him, "Look out, Amy; you'll make me spill this coffee all +over the table-cloth." + +Mrs. Campbell, sinking into her seat: "Oh, Willis, how can you be so +base? _Give_ me my letters. _Do!_" + +Campbell, sorting them over: "You may have half." + +Mrs. Campbell: "No; I shall have all. I insist upon it." + +Campbell: "Well, then, you may have all the ladies' letters. There are +twice as many of them." + +Mrs. Campbell: "No; I shall have the men's, too. Give me the men's +first." + +Campbell: "How can I tell which are the men's without opening them?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "How could you tell which were the ladies'? Come, now, +Willis, don't tease me any longer. You know I hate it." + +Campbell, studying the superscriptions, one after another: "I want to +see if I can guess who wrote them. Don't you like to guess who wrote +your letters before you open them?" + +Mrs. Campbell, with dignity: "I don't like to guess who wrote other +people's letters." She looks down at the table-cloth with a menace of +tears, and Campbell instantly returns all the notes. + +Campbell: "There, Amy; you may have them. I don't care who wrote them, +nor what's in them. And I don't want you to interrupt me with any +exclamations over them, if you please." He reaches to the floor for his +newspaper, and while he sips his coffee, Mrs. Campbell loses no time in +opening her letters. + +Mrs. Campbell: "I shall do nothing _but_ exclaim. The Curwens accept, of +course--the very first letter. That means Mrs. Curwen; that is one, at +any rate. The New York Addingses do, and the Philadelphia Addingses +don't; I hardly expected they would, so soon after their aunt's death, +but I thought I ought to ask them. Mr. and Mrs. Roberts, naturally; it +was more a joke than anything, sending their invitation. Mrs. and the +Misses Carver regret very much; well, _I_ don't. Professor and Mrs. +Traine are very happy, and so am I; he doesn't go everywhere, and he's +awfully nice. Mr. and Mrs. Lou Bemis are very happy, too, and Dr. Lawton +is very happy. Mrs. Bridges Dear Mrs. Campbells me, and is very sorry in +the first person; she's always nice. Mr. Phillips, Mr. Rangeley, Mr. +Small, Mr. Peters, Mr. Staples, Mr. Thornton, _all_ accept, and they're +all charming young fellows." + +Campbell, around his paper: "Well, what of that?" + +Mrs. Campbell, with an air of busy preoccupation: "Don't eavesdrop, +please; I wasn't talking to you. The Merrills have the pleasure, and the +Morgans are sorrow-stricken; the--" + +Campbell: "Yes, but why should you care whether those fellows are +charming or not? Who's going to marry them?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "_I_ am. Mrs. Stevenson is bowed to the earth; Colonel +Murphree is overjoyed; the Misses Ja--" + +Campbell, putting his paper down: "Look here, Amy. Do you know that you +have one little infinitesimal ewe-lamb of a foible? You think too much +of young men." + +Mrs. Campbell: "_Younger_ men, you mean. And _you_ have a multitude of +perfectly mammoth peccadilloes. You interrupt." She goes on opening and +reading her letters. "Well, I didn't expect the Macklines _could_; but +everybody seems to be coming." + +Campbell: "You pay them too much attention altogether. It spoils them; +and one of these days you'll be getting some of them in love with you, +and _then_ what will you do?" + +Mrs. Campbell, with affected distraction: "What _are_ you talking about? +I'd refer them to you, and you could kill them. I suppose you killed +lots of people in California. That's what you always gave me to +understand." She goes on with her letters. + +Campbell: "I never killed a single human being that I can remember; but +there's no telling what I might do if I were provoked. Now, there's that +young Welling. He's about here under my feet all the time; and he's got +a way lately of coming in through the window from the piazza that's very +intimate. He's a nice fellow enough, and sweet, as you say. I suppose he +has talent, too, but I never heard that he had set any of the adjacent +watercourses on fire; and I don't know that he could give the Apollo +Belvedere many points in beauty and beat him." + +Mrs. Campbell: "_I_ do. Mrs. and Miss Rice accept, and her friend Miss +Greenway, who's staying with her, and--yes! here's one from Mr. Welling! +_Oh_, how glad I am! Willis, dearest, if I _could_ be the means of +bringing those two lovely young creatures together, I should be _so_ +happy! _Don't_ you think, now, he _is_ the most delicate-minded, truly +refined, exquisitely modest young fellow that ever was?" She presses the +unopened note to her corsage, and leans eagerly forward entreating a +sympathetic acquiescence. + +Campbell: "Well, as far as I can remember my own youth, no. But what +does he say?" + +Mrs. Campbell, regarding the letter: "I haven't looked yet. He writes +the _most_ characteristic hand, for a man, that I ever saw. And he has +the divinest taste in perfumes! Oh, I wonder what _that_ is? Like a +memory--a regret." She presses it repeatedly to her pretty nose, in the +endeavor to ascertain. + +Campbell: "Oh, hello!" + +Mrs. Campbell, laughing: "Willis, you _are_ delightful. I should like to +see you really jealous once." + +Campbell: "You won't, as long as I know my own incomparable charm. But +give me that letter, Amy, if you're not going to open it. I want to see +whether Welling is going to come." + +Mrs. Campbell, fondly: "Would you _really_ like to open it? I've half a +mind to let you, just for a reward." + +Campbell: "Reward! What for?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, I don't know. Being so nice." + +Campbell: "That's something I can't help. It's no merit. Well, hand over +the letter." + +Mrs. Campbell: "I should have thought you'd insist on _my_ opening it, +after that." + +Campbell: "Why?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "To show your confidence." + +Campbell: "When I haven't got any?" + +Mrs. Campbell, tearing the note open: "Well, it's no use trying any +sentiment with you, or any generosity either. You're always just the +same; a teasing joke is your ideal. You can't imagine a woman's wanting +to keep up a little romance all through; and a character like Mr. +Welling's, who's all chivalry and delicacy and deference, is quite +beyond you. That's the reason you're always sneering at him." + +Campbell: "I'm not sneering at him, my dear. I'm only afraid Miss Rice +isn't good enough for him." + +Mrs. Campbell, instantly placated: "Well, she's the only girl who's +anywhere _near_ it. I don't say she's faultless, but she has a great +deal of character, and she's very practical; just the counterpart of his +dreaminess; and she _is_ very, _very_ good-looking, don't you think?" + +Campbell: "Her bang isn't so nice as his." + +Mrs. Campbell: "No; and aren't his eyes beautiful? And that high, +serious look! And his nose and chin are perfectly divine. He looks like +a young god!" + +Campbell: "I dare say; though I never saw an old one. Well, is he +coming? I'm not jealous, but I'm impatient. Read it out loud." + +Mrs. Campbell, sinking back in her chair for the more luxurious perusal +of the note: "Indeed I shall not." She opens it and runs it hastily +through, with various little starts, stares, frowns, smiles of arrested +development, laughs, and cries: "Why--why! What does it mean? Is he +crazy? Why, there's some mistake. No! It's his hand--and here's his +name. I can't make it out." She reads it again and again. "Why, it's +perfectly bewildering! Why, there must be some mistake. He couldn't have +meant it. Could he have imagined? Could he have dared? There never has +been the slightest thing that could be tortured into--But of course not. +And Mr. Welling, of all men! Oh, I can't understand it! Oh, Willis, +Willis, Willis! What _does_ it mean?" She flings the note wildly across +the table, and catching her handkerchief to her face, falls back into +her chair, tumultuously sobbing. + +Campbell, with the calm of a man accustomed to emotional superabundance, +lifting the note from the toast-rack before him: "Well, let's see." He +reads aloud: "'Oh, my darling! How can I live till I see you? I will be +there long _before_ the hour! To think of your _asking_ me! You should +have said, "I permit you to come," and I would have flown from the ends +of the earth. The presence of others will be nothing. It will be sweet +to ignore them in my heart, and while I see you moving among them, and +looking after their pleasure with that beautiful thoughtfulness of +yours, to think, "She is mine, mine, mine!" + + "Oh, young lord lover, what sighs are those + For one that can never be thine?" + +I thank you, and thank you a thousand times over, for this proof of your +trust in me, and of your love--_our_ love. You shall be the sole keeper +of our secret--it is so sweet to think that no one even suspects +it!--and it shall live with you, and if you will, it shall die with me. +Forever yours, Arthur Welling.'" Campbell turns the note over, and +picking up the envelope, examines the address. "Well, _upon_ my word! +It's to you, Amy--on the outside, anyway. What do you suppose he +means?" + +Mrs. Campbell, in her handkerchief: "Oh, I don't know; I _don't_ know +why he should address such language to me!" + +Campbell, recurring to the letter: "_I_ never did. '_Oh, my +darling--live till I see you--ends of the earth--others will be +nothing--beautiful thoughtfulness--mine, mine, mine--our love--sweet to +think no one suspects it--forever yours._' Amy, these are pretty strong +expressions to use towards the wife of another, and she a married lady! +I think I had better go and solve that little problem of how he can live +till he sees you by relieving him of the necessity. It would be +disagreeable to him, but perhaps there's a social duty involved." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, Willis, _don't_ torment me! What do you suppose it +means? Is it some--mistake? It's for somebody else!" + +Campbell: "I don't see why he should have addressed it to you, then." + +Mrs. Campbell: "But don't you see? He's been writing to some other +person at the same time, and he's got the answers mixed--put them in +the wrong envelopes. Oh dear! I wonder who she is!" + +Campbell, studying her with an air of affected abstraction: "Her +curiosity gets the better of her anguish. Look here, Amy! _I_ believe +you're _afraid_ it's to some one else." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Willis!" + +Campbell: "Yes. And before we proceed any further I must know just what +you wrote to this--this Mr. Welling of yours. Did you put on R.S.V.P.?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Yes; and just a printed card like all the rest. I did +want to write him a note in the first person, and urge him to come, +because I expected Miss Rice and Miss Greenway to help me receive; but +when I found Margaret had promised Mrs. Curwen for the next day, I knew +she wouldn't like to take the bloom off that by helping me first; so I +didn't." + +Campbell: "Didn't what?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Write to him. I just sent a card." + +Campbell: "Then these passionate expressions _are_ unprovoked, and my +duty is clear. I must lose no time in destroying Mr. Welling. Do you +happen to know where I laid my revolver?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, Willis, what are you going to do? You see it's a +mistake." + +Campbell: "Mr. Welling has got to prove that. I'm not going to have +young men addressing my wife as Oh their darling, without knowing the +reason why. It's a liberty." + +Mrs. Campbell, inclined to laugh: "Ah, Willis, how funny you are!" + +Campbell: "Funny? I'm furious." + +Mrs. Campbell: "You know you're not. Give me the letter, dearest. I know +it's for Margaret Rice, and I shall see her, and just feel round and +find out if it isn't so, and--" + +Campbell: "What an idea! You haven't the slightest evidence that it's +for Miss Rice, or that it isn't intended for you, and it's my duty to +find out. And nobody is authority but Mr. Welling. And I'm going to him +with the _corpus delicti_." + +Mrs. Campbell: "But how can you? Remember how sensitive, how shrinking +he is. Don't, Willis; you mustn't. It will kill him!" + +Campbell: "Well, that may save me considerable bother. If he will simply +die of himself, I can't ask anything better." He goes on eating his +breakfast. + +Mrs. Campbell, admiring him across the table: "Oh, Willis, how perfectly +delightful you are!" + +Campbell: "I know; but why?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Why, taking it in the nice, sensible way you do. Now, +some husbands would be so stupid! Of course you _couldn't_ think--you +couldn't _dream_--that the letter was really for me; and yet you might +behave very disagreeably, and make me very unhappy, if you were not just +the lovely, kind-hearted, magnanimous--" + +Campbell, looking up from his coffee: "Oh, hello!" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Yes; that is what took my fancy in you, Willis: that +generosity, that real gentleness, in spite of the brusque way you have. +Refinement of the heart, _I_ call it." + +Campbell: "Amy, what are you after?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "We've been married a whole year now--" + +Campbell: "Longer, isn't it?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "--And I haven't known you do an unkind thing, a brutal +thing." + +Campbell: "Well, I understand the banging around hardly ever begins much +under two years." + +Mrs. Campbell: "How _sweet_ you are! And you're _so_ funny always!" + +Campbell: "Come, come, Amy; get down to business. What is it you do +want?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "You won't go and tease that poor boy about his letter, +will you? Just hand it to him, and say you suppose here is something +that has come into your possession by mistake, and that you wish to +restore it to him, and then--just run off." + +Campbell: "With my parasol in one hand, and my skirts caught up in the +other?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, how good! Of course I was imagining how _I_ should +do it." + +Campbell: "Well, a man can't do it that way. He would look silly." He +rises from the table, and comes and puts his arm round her shoulders. +"But you needn't be afraid of my being rough with him. Of course it's a +mistake; but he's a fellow who will enter into the joke too; he'll enjoy +it; he'll--" He merges his sentence in a kiss on her upturned lips, and +she clings to his hand with her right, pressing it fondly to her cheek. +"I shall do it in a man's way; but I guess you'll approve of it quite as +much." + +Mrs. Campbell: "I know I shall. That's what I like about you, Willis: +your being so helplessly a man always." + +Campbell: "Well, that's what attracted me to you, Amy; your manliness." + +Mrs. Campbell: "And I liked your _finesse_. You are awfully inventive, +Willis. Why, Willis, I've just thought of something. Oh, it would be +_so_ good if you only would!" + +Campbell: "Would what?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Invent something now to get us out of the scrape." + +Campbell: "What a brilliant idea! _I'm_ not in any scrape. And as for +Mr. Welling, I don't see how you could help him out unless you sent this +letter to Miss Rice, and asked her to send yours back--" + +Mrs. Campbell, springing to her feet: "Willis, you are inspired! Oh, how +perfectly delightful! And it's so delicate of you to think of that! I +will just enclose his note--give it here, Willis--and he need never know +that it ever went to the wrong address. Oh, I always felt that you were +_truly_ refined, anyway." He passively yields the letter, and she whirls +away to a writing-desk in the corner of the room. "Now, I'll just keep a +copy of the letter--for a joke; I think I've a perfect right +to"--scribbling furiously away--"and then I'll match the paper with an +envelope--I can do that perfectly--and then I'll just imitate his +hand--such fun!--and send it flying over to Margaret Rice. Oh, _how_ +good! Touch the bell, Willis;" and then--as the serving-maid +appears--"Yes, Jane! Run right across the lawn to Mrs. Rice's, and give +this letter for Miss Margaret, and say it was left here by mistake. +Well, it _was_, Willis. Fly, Jane! Oh, Willis, love! Isn't it perfect! +Of course she'll have got his formal reply to my invitation, and be all +mixed up by it, and now when this note comes, she'll see through it all +in an instant, and it will be such a relief to her; and oh, she'll think +that he's directed _both_ the letters to her because he couldn't think +of any one else! Isn't it lovely? Just like anything that's nice, it's +ten times as nice as you expected it to be; and--" + +Campbell: "But hold on, Amy!" He lifts a note from the desk. "You've +sent your copy. Here's the original now. She'll think you've been +playing some joke on her." + +Mrs. Campbell, clutching the letter from him, and scanning it in a daze: +"_What!_ Oh, my goodness! It is! I have! Oh, I shall die! Run! Call her +back! Shriek, Willis!" They rush to the window together. "No, no! It's +too late! She's given it to their man, and now nothing can save me! Oh, +Willis! Willis! Willis! This is all your fault, with that fatal +suggestion of yours. Oh, if you had only left it to me I never should +have got into such a scrape! She will think now that I've been trying to +hoax her, and she's perfectly implacable at the least hint of a liberty, +and she'll be ready to kill me. I don't know _what_ she won't do. Oh, +Willis, how _could_ you get me into this!" + +Campbell, irately: "Get you into this! Now, Amy, this is a little too +much. You got yourself into it. You urged me to think of something--" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Well, do, Willis, _do_ think of something, or I shall go +mad! Help me, Willis! Don't be so heartless--so unfeeling." + +Campbell: "There's only one thing now, and that is to make a clean +breast of it to Welling, and get him to help us out. A word from him can +make everything right, and we can't take a step without him; we can't +move!" + +Mrs. Campbell: "I can't let you. Oh, isn't it horrible!" + +Campbell: "Yes; a nice thing is always ten times nicer than you +expected it to be!" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, how can you stand there mocking me? Why don't you go +to him at once, and tell him the whole thing, and beg him, implore him, +to help us?" + +Campbell: "Why, you just told me I mustn't!" + +Mrs. Campbell: "You didn't expect me to say you might, did you? Oh, how +cruel!" She whirls out of the room, and Campbell stands in a daze, in +which he is finally aware of Mr. Arthur Welling, seen through the open +window, on the veranda without. Mr. Welling, with a terrified and +furtive air, seems to be fixed to the spot where he stands. + + + + +II + +_MR. WELLING; MR. CAMPBELL_ + + +Campbell: "Why, Welling, what the devil are you doing there?" + +Welling: "Trying to get away." + +Campbell: "To get away? But you sha'n't, man! I won't let you. I was +just going to see you. How long have you been there?" + +Welling: "I've just come." + +Campbell: "What have you heard?" + +Welling: "Nothing--nothing. I was knocking on the window-casing to make +_you_ hear, but you seemed preoccupied." + +Campbell: "Preoccupied! convulsed! cataclysmed! Look here: we're in a +box, Welling. And you've got us into it." He pulls Welling's note out of +his pocket, where he has been keeping his hand on it, and pokes it at +him. "Is that yours?" + +Welling, examining it with bewilderment mounting into anger: "It's mine; +yes. May I ask, Mr. Campbell, how you came to have this letter?" + +Campbell: "May I ask, Mr. Welling, how you came to write such a letter +to my wife?" + +Welling: "To your wife? To Mrs. Campbell? I never wrote any such letter +to her." + +Campbell: "Then you addressed it to her." + +Welling: "Impossible!" + +Campbell: "Impossible? I think I can convince you, much as I regret to +do so." He makes search about Mrs. Campbell's letters on the table +first, and then on the writing-desk. "We have the envelope. It came +amongst a lot of letters, and there's no mistake about it." He continues +to toss the letters about, and then desists. "But no matter; I can't +find it; Amy's probably carried it off with her. There's no mistake +about it. I was going to have some fun with you about it, but now you +can have some fun with me. Whom did you send Mrs. Campbell's letter to?" + +Welling: "Mrs. Campbell's letter?" + +Campbell: "Oh, pshaw! your acceptance or refusal, or whatever it was, of +her garden fandango. You got an invitation?" + +Welling: "Of course." + +Campbell: "And you wrote to accept it or decline it at the same time +that you wrote this letter here to some one else. And you addressed two +envelopes before you put the notes in either. And then you put them +into the wrong envelopes. And you sent this note to my wife, and the +other note to the other person--" + +Welling: "No, I didn't do anything of the kind!" He regards Campbell +with amazement, and some apparent doubt of his sanity. + +Campbell: "Well, then, Mr. Welling, will you allow me to ask what the +deuce you did do?" + +Welling: "I never wrote to Mrs. Campbell at all. I thought I would just +drop in and tell her why I couldn't come. It seemed so formal to write." + +Campbell: "Then will you be kind enough to tell me whom you _did_ write +to?" + +Welling: "No, Mr. Campbell, I can't do that." + +Campbell: "You write such a letter as that to my wife, and then won't +tell me whom it's to?" + +Welling: "No! And you've no right to ask me." + +Campbell: "I've no right to ask you?" + +Welling: "No. When I tell you that the note wasn't meant for Mrs. +Campbell, that's enough." + +Campbell: "I'll be judge of that, Mr. Welling. You say that you were not +writing two notes at the time, and that you didn't get the envelopes +mixed. Then, if the note wasn't meant for my wife, why did you address +it to her?" + +Welling: "That's what I can't tell; that's what I don't know. It's as +great a mystery to me as it is to you. I can only conjecture that when I +was writing that address I was thinking of coming to explain to Mrs. +Campbell that I was going away to-day, and shouldn't be back till after +her party. It was too complicated to put in a note without seeming to +give my regrets too much importance. And I suppose that when I was +addressing the note that I did write I put Mrs. Campbell's name on +because I had her so much in mind." + +Campbell, with irony: "Oh!" + + + + +III + +_MRS. CAMPBELL; MR. WELLING; MR. CAMPBELL_ + + +Mrs. Campbell, appearing through the portière that separates the +breakfast-room from the parlor beyond: "Yes!" She goes up and gives her +hand to Mr. Welling with friendly frankness. "And it was very nice of +you to think of me at such a time, when you ought to have been thinking +of some one else." + +Welling, with great relief and effusion: "Oh, thank you, Mrs. Campbell! +I was sure you would understand. You couldn't have imagined me capable +of addressing such language to you; of presuming--of--" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Of course not! And Willis has quite lost his head. I saw +in an instant just how it was. I'm so sorry you can't come to my +party--" + +Campbell: "Amy, have you been eavesdropping?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "There was no need of eavesdropping. I could have heard +you out at Loon Rock Light, you shouted so. But as soon as I recognized +Mr. Welling's voice I came to the top of the stairs and listened. I was +sure you would do something foolish. But now I think we had better make +a clean breast of it, and tell Mr. Welling just what we've done. We +knew, of course, the letter wasn't for me, and we thought we wouldn't +vex you about it, but just send it to the one it _was_ meant for. We've +surprised your secret, Mr. Welling, though we didn't intend to; but if +you'll accept our congratulations--under the rose, of course--we won't +let it go any further. It does seem so perfectly ideal, and I feel like +saying, Bless you, my children! You've been in and out here so much this +summer, and I feel just like an elder sister to Margaret." + +Welling: "Margaret?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Well, Miss Rice, then--" + +Welling: "Miss Rice?" + +Mrs. Campbell, with dignity: "Oh, I'm sorry if we seem to presume upon +our acquaintance with the matter. We couldn't very well help knowing it +under the circumstances." + +Welling: "Certainly, certainly--of course: I don't mind that at all: I +was going to tell you, anyway: that was partly the reason why I came +instead of writing--" + +Campbell, in an audible soliloquy: "I supposed he _had_ written." + +Mrs. Campbell, intensely: "Don't interrupt, Willis! Well?" + +Welling: "But I don't see what Miss Rice has to do with it." + +Mrs. Campbell: "You don't see! Why, isn't Margaret Rice the one--" + +Welling: "What one?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "The one that you're engaged--the one that the note was +really _for_?" + +Welling: "No! What an idea! Miss Rice? Not for an instant! It's--it's +her friend--Miss Greenway--who's staying with her--" + +Mrs. Campbell, in a very awful voice: "Willis! Get me some water--some +wine! Help me! Ah! Don't touch me! It was you, _you_ who did it all! +Oh, _now_ what shall I do?" She drops her head upon Campbell's shoulder, +while Welling watches them in stupefaction. + +Campbell: "It's about a million times nicer than we could have expected. +That's the way with a nice thing when you get it started. Well, young +man, you're done for; and so are we, for that matter. We supposed that +note which you addressed to Mrs. Campbell was intended for Miss Rice--" + +Welling: "Ho, ho, ho! Ah, ha, ha! Miss Rice? Ha--" + +Campbell: "I'm glad you like it. You'll enjoy the rest of it still +better. We thought it was for Miss Rice, and my wife neatly imitated +your hand on an envelope and sent it over to her just before you came +in. Funny, isn't it? Laugh on! Don't mind _us_!" + +Welling, aghast: "Thought my note was for Miss Rice? Sent it to her? +Gracious powers!" They all stand for a moment in silence, and then +Welling glances at the paper in his hand. "But there's some mistake. You +haven't sent my note to Miss Rice: here it is now!" + +Campbell: "Oh, that's the best of the joke. Mrs. Campbell took a +copy"--Mrs. Campbell moans--"she meant to have some fun with you about +it, and it's ten times as much fun as _I_ expected; and in her hurry she +sent off her copy and kept the original. Perhaps that makes it better." + +Mrs. Campbell, detaching herself from him and confronting Mr. Welling: +"No; worse! She'll think we've been trying to hoax her, and she'll be in +a towering rage; and she'll show the note to Miss Greenway, and you'll +be ruined. Oh poor Mr. Welling! Oh, what a fatal, fatal--mix!" She +abandons herself in an attitude of extreme desperation upon a chair, +while the men stare at her, till Campbell breaks the spell by starting +forward and ringing the bell on the table. + +Mrs. Campbell: "What are you doing, Willis?" + +Campbell: "Ringing for Jane." As Jane appears: "Did you give Miss Rice +the note?" + + + + +IV + +_JANE; MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL_ + + +Jane: "No, sir; I gave it to the man. He said he would give it to Miss +Rice." + +Campbell: "Then it's all up. If by any chance she hadn't got it, Amy, +you might have sent over for it, and said there was a mistake." + +Jane: "He said Miss Rice was out driving with Miss Greenway in her +phaeton, but they expected her back every minute." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, my goodness! And you didn't come to tell me? Oh, if +we had only known! We've lost our only chance, Willis." + +Jane: "I did come and knock on your door, ma'am, but I couldn't make you +hear." + +Campbell: "There's still a chance. Perhaps she hasn't got back yet." + +Jane: "I know she ain't, sir. I've been watching for her ever since. I +can always see them come, from the pantry window." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Well, then, don't stand there talking, but run at once! +Oh, Willis! Never tell me again that there's no such thing as an +overruling providence. Oh, what an interposition! Oh, I can never be +grateful and humble enough--Goodness me, Jane! why don't you go?" + +Jane: "Go where, ma'am? I don't know what you want me to do. I'm willing +enough to do anything if I know what it is, but it's pretty hard to do +things if you don't." + +Campbell: "You're perfectly right, Jane. Mrs. Campbell wants you to +telegraph yourself over to Mrs. Rice's, and say to her that the letter +you left for Miss Rice is not for her, but another lady, and Mrs. +Campbell sent it by mistake. Get it and bring it back here, dead or +alive, even if Mrs. Rice has to pass over your mangled body in the +attempt." + +Jane, tasting the joke, while Mrs. Campbell gasps in ineffective +efforts to reinforce her husband's instructions: "I will that, sir." + + + + +V + +_MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL_ + + +Campbell: "And now, while we're waiting, let's all join hands and dance +round the table. You're saved, Welling. So are you, Amy. And so am +I--which is more to the point." + +Mrs. Campbell, gayly: "Dansons!" She extends her hands to the gentlemen, +and as they circle round the breakfast-table she sings, + + _"Sur le pont d'Avignon, + Tout le monde y danse en rond."_ + +She frees her hands and courtesies to one gentleman and the other. + + _"Les belles dames font comme ça; + Les beaux messieurs font comme ça."_ + +Then she catches hands with them again, and they circle round the table +as before, singing, + + "_Sur le pont d'Avignon, + Tout le monde y danse en rond._ + +Oh, dear! Stop! I'm dizzy--I shall fall." She spins into a chair, while +the men continue solemnly circling by themselves. + +Campbell: "It is a sacred dance: + + _"Sur le pont d'Avignon--"_ + +Welling: "It's an expiation: + + _"Tout le monde y danse en rond."_ + +Mrs. Campbell, springing from her chair and running to the window: +"Stop, you crazy things! Here comes Jane! Come right in here, Jane! Did +you get it? Give it to me, Jane!" + +Welling: "_I_ think it belongs to me, Mrs. Campbell." + +Campbell: "Jane, I am master of the house--nominally. Give me the +letter." + + + + +VI + +_JANE; MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL_ + + +Jane, entering, blown and panting, through the open window: "Oh, how I +did run--" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Yes, yes! But the letter--" + +Welling: "Did you get it?" + +Campbell: "Where is it?" + +Jane, fanning herself with her apron: "I can't hardly get my breath--" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Had she got back?" + +Jane: "No, ma'am." + +Campbell: "Did Mrs. Rice object to giving it up?" + +Jane: "No, sir." + +Welling: "Then it's all right?" + +Jane: "No, sir. All wrong." + +Welling: "All wrong?" + +Campbell: "How all wrong?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "What's all wrong, Jane?" + +Jane: "Please, ma'am, may I have a drink of water? I'm so dry I can't +speak." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Yes, certainly." + +Campbell: "Of course." + +Welling: "Here." They all pour glasses of water and press them to her +lips. + +Jane, pushing the glasses away, and escaping from the room: "They +thought Mrs. Campbell was in a great hurry for Miss Rice to have the +letter, and they sent off the man with it to meet her." + + + + +VII + +_MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL_ + + +Mrs. Campbell: "Oh, merciful goodness!" + +Welling: "Gracious powers!" + +Campbell: "Another overruling providence. Now you _are_ in for it, my +boy! So is Amy. And so am I--which is still more to the point." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Well, now, what shall we do?" + +Campbell: "All that we can do now is to await developments: they'll +come fast enough. Miss Rice will open her letter as soon as she gets it, +and she won't understand it in the least; how _could_ she understand a +letter in your handwriting, with Welling's name signed to it? She'll +show it to Miss Greenway--" + +Welling: "Oh, don't say that!" + +Campbell: "--Greenway; and Miss Greenway won't know what to make of it +either. But she's the kind of girl who'll form some lively conjectures +when she reads that letter. In the first place, she'll wonder how Mr. +Welling happens to be writing to Miss Rice in that affectionate +strain--" + +Mrs. Campbell, in an appealing shriek: "Willis!" + +Campbell: "--And she naturally won't believe he's done it. But then, +when Miss Rice tells her it's your handwriting, Amy, she'll think that +you and Miss Rice have been having your jokes about Mr. Welling; and +she'll wonder what kind of person you are, anyway, to make free with a +young man's name that way." + +Welling: "Oh, I assure you that she admires Mrs. Campbell more than +anybody." + +Mrs. Campbell: "Don't try to stop him; he's fiendish when he begins +teasing." + +Campbell: "Oh, well! If she admires Mrs. Campbell and confides in you, +then the whole affair is very simple. All you've got to do is to tell +her that after you'd written her the original of that note, your mind +was so full of Mrs. Campbell and her garden-party that you naturally +addressed it to her. And then Mrs. Campbell can cut in and say that when +she got the note she knew it wasn't for her, but she never dreamed of +your caring for Miss Greenway, and was so sure it was for Miss Rice that +she sent her a copy of it. That will make it all right and perfectly +agreeable to every one concerned." + +Mrs. Campbell: "And I can say that I sent it at your suggestion, and +then, instead of trying to help me out of the awful, awful--box, you +took a cruel pleasure in teasing me about it! But I shall not say +anything, for I shall not see them. I will leave you to receive them and +make the best of it. Don't _try_ to stop me, Willis." She threatens him +with her fan as he steps forward to intercept her escape. + +Campbell: "No, no! Listen, Amy! You _must_ stay and see those ladies. +It's all well enough to leave it to me, but what about poor Welling? +_He_ hasn't done anything--except cause the whole trouble." + +Mrs. Campbell: "I am very sorry, but I can't help it. I must go." +Campbell continues to prevent her flight, and she suddenly whirls about +and makes a dash at the open window. "Oh, very well, then! I can get out +this way." At the same moment Miss Rice and Miss Greenway appear before +the window on the piazza. "Ugh! E--e--e! How you frightened me! But--but +come in. So gl--glad to see you! And you--you too, Miss Greenway. Here's +Mr. Welling. He's been desolating us with a story about having to be +away over my party, and just getting back for Mrs. Curwen's. Isn't it +too bad? Can't some of you young ladies--or all of you--make him stay?" +As Mrs. Campbell talks on, she readjusts her spirit more and more to +the exigency, and subdues her agitation to a surface of the sweetest +politeness. + + + + +VIII + +_MISS RICE, MISS GREENWAY, and the OTHERS_ + + +Miss Rice, entering with an unopened letter in her hand, which she +extends to Mrs. Campbell: "What in the world does it all mean, Mrs. +Campbell, your sending your letters flying after _me_ at this rate?" + +Mrs. Campbell, with a gasp: "My letters?" She mechanically receives the +extended note, and glances at the superscription: "_Mrs. Willis +Campbell_. Ah!" She hands it quickly to her husband, who reads the +address with a similar cry. + +Campbell: "Well, well, Amy! This is a pretty good joke on you. You've +sealed up one of your own notes, and sent it to Miss Rice. Capital! Ah, +ha, ha!" + +Mrs. Campbell, with hysterical rapture: "Oh, how delicious! What a +ridiculous blunder! I don't wonder you were puzzled, Margaret." + +Welling: "What! Sent her your own letter, addressed to yourself?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Yes. Isn't it amusing?" + +Welling: "The best thing I ever heard of." + +Miss Rice: "Yes. And if you only knew what agonies of curiosity Miss +Greenway and I had suffered, wanting to open it and read it anyway, in +spite of all the decencies, I think you would read it to us." + +Campbell: "Or at least give Miss Rice her own letter. What in the world +did you do with that?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "Put it in my desk, where I thought I put mine. But never +mind it now. I can tell you what was in it just as well. Come in here a +moment, Margaret." She leads the way to the parlor, whither Miss Rice +follows. + +Miss Greenway, poutingly: "Oh, mayn't I know, too? I think that's hardly +fair, Mrs. Campbell." + +Mrs. Campbell: "No; or--Margaret may tell you afterwards; or Mr. +Welling may, _now_!" + +Miss Greenway: "How very formidable!" + +Mrs. Campbell, over her shoulder, on going out: "Willis, bring me the +refusals and acceptances, won't you? They're up-stairs." + +Campbell: "Delighted to be of any service." Behind Miss Greenway's back +he dramatizes over her head to Welling his sense of his own escape, and +his compassion for the fellow-man whom he leaves in the toils of fate. + + + + +IX + +_MISS GREENWAY; MR. WELLING_ + + +Welling: "Nelly!" He approaches, and timidly takes her hand. + +Miss Greenway: "Arthur! That letter was addressed in your handwriting. +Will you please explain?" + +Welling: "Why, it's very simple--that is, it's the most difficult thing +in the world. Nelly, can you believe _any_thing I say to you?" + +Miss Greenway: "What nonsense! Of course I can--if you're not too long +about it." + +Welling: "Well, then, the letter in that envelope was one I wrote to +Mrs. Campbell--or the copy of one." + +Miss Greenway: "The copy?" + +Welling: "But let me explain. You see, when I got your note asking me to +be sure and come to Mrs. Curwen's--" + +Miss Greenway: "Yes?" + +Welling: "--I had just received an invitation from Mrs. Campbell for her +garden-party, and I sat down and wrote to you, and concluded I'd step +over and tell her why I couldn't come, and with that in mind I addressed +your letter--the one I'd written you--to her." + +Miss Greenway: "With my name inside?" + +Welling: "No; I merely called you 'darling'; and when Mrs. Campbell +opened it she saw it couldn't be for her, and she took it into her head +it must be for Miss Rice." + +Miss Greenway: "For Margaret? What an idea! But why did she put your +envelope on it?" + +Welling: "She made a copy, for the joke of it; and then, in her hurry, +she enclosed that in my envelope, and kept the original and the envelope +she'd addressed to Miss Rice, and--and that's all." + +Miss Greenway: "What a perfectly delightful muddle! And how shall we get +out of it with Margaret?" + +Welling: "With Margaret? I don't care for her. It's you that I want to +get out of it with. And you do believe me--you do forgive me, Nelly?" + +Miss Greenway: "For what?" + +Welling: "For--for--I don't know what for. But I thought you'd be so +vexed." + +Miss Greenway: "I shouldn't have liked you to send a letter addressed +darling to Mrs. Curwen; but Mrs. Campbell is different." + +Welling: "Oh, how archangelically sensible! How divine of you to take it +in just the right way!" + +[Illustration: MR. WELLING EXPLAINS.] + +Miss Greenway: "Why, of course! How stupid I should be to take such a +thing in the wrong way!" + +Welling: "And I'm so glad now I didn't try to lie to you about it." + +Miss Greenway: "It wouldn't have been of any use. You couldn't have +carried off anything of that sort. The truth is bad enough for _you_ to +carry off. Promise me that you will always leave the other thing to +_me_." + +Welling: "I will, darling; I will, indeed." + +Miss Greenway: "And now we must tell Margaret, of course." + + + + +X + +_MISS RICE; then MR. and MRS. CAMPBELL, and the OTHERS_ + + +Miss Rice, rushing in upon them, and clasping Miss Greenway in a fond +embrace: "You needn't. Mrs. Campbell has told me; and oh, Nelly, I'm so +happy for you! And isn't it all the greatest mix?" + +Campbell, rushing in, and wringing Welling's hand: "You needn't tell +me, either; I've been listening, and I've heard every word. I +congratulate you, my dear boy! I'd no idea she'd let you up so easily. +You'll allow yourself it isn't a very likely story." + +Welling: "I know it. But--" + +Miss Rice: "That's the very reason no one could have made it up." + +Miss Greenway: "_He_ couldn't have made up even a likely story." + +Campbell: "Congratulate you again, Welling. Do you suppose she can keep +so always?" + +Mrs. Campbell, rushing in with extended hands: "Don't answer the wretch, +Mr. Welling. Of course she can with _you_. Dansons!" She gives a hand to +Miss Greenway and Welling each; the others join them, and as they circle +round the table she sings, + + _"Sur le pont d'Avignon,_ + _Tout le monde y danse en rond."_ + + +THE END + + * * * * * + + + + +BY WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS. + + +THE COAST OF BOHEMIA. 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