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Proofing was by Margaret Price. + + + + + +REGINALD + +by Saki (H. H. Munro) + + + + +Contents: + +Reginald +Reginald on Christmas Presents +Reginald on the Academy +Reginald at the Theatre +Reginald's Peace Poem +Reginald's Choir Treat +Reginald on Worries +Reginald on House-Parties +Reginald at the Carlton +Reginald on Besetting Sins +Reginald's Drama +Reginald on Tariffs +Reginald's Christmas Revel +Reginald's Rubaiyat +The Innocence of Reginald + + + + +REGINALD + + + +I did it--I who should have known better. I persuaded +Reginald to go to the McKillops' garden-party against his +will. + +We all make mistakes occasionally. + +"They know you're here, and they'll think it so funny if you +don't go. And I want particularly to be in with Mrs. +McKillop just now." + +"I know, you want one of her smoke Persian kittens as a +prospective wife for Wumples--or a husband, is it?" +(Reginald has a magnificent scorn for details, other than +sartorial.) "And I am expected to undergo social martyrdom +to suit the connubial exigencies" - + +"Reginald! It's nothing of the kind, only I'm sure Mrs. +McKillop Would be pleased if I brought you. Young men of +your brilliant attractions are rather at a premium at her +garden-parties." + +"Should be at a premium in heaven," remarked Reginald +complacently. + +"There will be very few of you there, if that is what you +mean. But seriously, there won't be any great strain upon +your powers of endurance; I promise you that you shan't have +to play croquet, or talk to the Archdeacon's wife, or do +anything that is likely to bring on physical prostration. +You can just wear your sweetest clothes and moderately +amiable expression, and eat chocolate-creams with the +appetite of a blase parrot. Nothing more is demanded of +you." + +Reginald shut his eyes. "There will be the exhaustingly up- +to-date young women who will ask me if I have seen San Toy: +a less progressive grade who will yearn to hear about the +Diamond Jubilee--the historic event, not the horse. With a +little encouragement, they will inquire if I saw the Allies +march into Paris. Why are women so fond of raking up the +past? They're as bad as tailors, who invariably remember +what you owe them for a suit long after you've ceased to wear +it." + +"I'll order lunch for one o'clock; that will give you two and +a half hours to dress in." + +Reginald puckered his brow into a tortured frown, and I knew +that my point was gained. He was debating what tie would go +with which waistcoat. + +Even then I had my misgivings. + +* * * + +During the drive to the McKillops' Reginald was possessed +with a great peace, which was not wholly to be accounted for +by the fact that he had inveigled his feet into shoes a size +too small for them. I misgave more than ever, and having +once launched Reginald on to the McKillops' lawn, I +established him near a seductive dish of marrons glaces, and +as far from the Archdeacon's wife as possible; as I drifted +away to a diplomatic distance I heard with painful +distinctness the eldest Mawkby girl asking him if he had seen +San Toy. + +It must have been ten minutes later, not more, and I had been +having QUITE an enjoyable chat with my hostess, and had +promised to lend her The Eternal City and my recipe for +rabbit mayonnaise, and was just about to offer a kind home +for her third Persian kitten, when I perceived, out of the +corner of my eye, that Reginald was not where I had left him, +and that the marrons glaces were untasted. At the same +moment I became aware that old Colonel Mendoza was essaying +to tell his classic story of how he introduced golf into +India, and that Reginald was in dangerous proximity. There +are occasions when Reginald is caviare to the Colonel. + +"When I was at Poona in '76" - + +"My dear Colonel," purred Reginald, "fancy admitting such a +thing! Such a give-away for one's age! I wouldn't admit +being on this planet in '76." (Reginald in his wildest +lapses into veracity never admits to being more than twenty- +two.) + +The Colonel went to the colour of a fig that has attained +great ripeness, and Reginald, ignoring my efforts to +intercept him, glided away to another part of the lawn. I +found him a few minutes later happily engaged in teaching the +youngest Rampage boy the approved theory of mixing absinthe, +within full earshot of his mother. Mrs. Rampage occupies a +prominent place in local Temperance movements. + +As soon as I had broken up this unpromising tete-a-tete and +settled Reginald where he could watch the croquet players +losing their tempers, I wandered off to find my hostess and +renew the kitten negotiations at the point where they had +been interrupted. I did not succeed in running her down at +once, and eventually it was Mrs. McKillop who sought me out, +and her conversation was not of kittens. + +"Your cousin is discussing Zaza with the Archdeacon's wife; +at least, he is discussing, she is ordering her carriage." + +She spoke in the dry, staccato tone of one who repeats a +French exercise, and I knew that as far as Millie McKillop +was concerned, Wumples was devoted to a lifelong celibacy. + +"If you don't mind," I said hurriedly, "I think we'd like our +carriage ordered too," and I made a forced march in the +direction of the croquet-ground. + +I found everyone talking nervously and feverishly of the +weather and the war in South Africa, except Reginald, who was +reclining in a comfortable chair with the dreamy, far-away +look that a volcano might wear just after it had desolated +entire villages. The Archdeacon's wife was buttoning up her +gloves with a concentrated deliberation that was fearful to +behold. I shall have to treble my subscription to her +Cheerful Sunday Evenings Fund before I dare set foot in her +house again. + +At that particular moment the croquet players finished their +game, which had been going on without a symptom of finality +during the whole afternoon. Why, I ask, should it have +stopped precisely when a counter-attraction was so necessary? +Everyone seemed to drift towards the area of disturbance, of +which the chairs of the Archdeacon's wife and Reginald formed +the storm-centre. Conversation flagged, and there settled +upon the company that expectant hush that precedes the dawn-- +when your neighbours don't happen to keep poultry. + +"What did the Caspian Sea?" asked Reginald, with appalling +suddenness. + +There were symptoms of a stampede. The Archdeacon's wife +looked at me. Kipling or someone has described somewhere the +look a foundered camel gives when the caravan moves on and +leaves it to its fate. The peptonised reproach in the good +lady's eyes brought the passage vividly to my mind. + +I played my last card. + +"Reginald, it's getting late, and a sea-mist is coming on." +I knew that the elaborate curl over his right eyebrow was not +guaranteed to survive a sea-mist. + +"Never, never again, will I take you to a garden-party. +Never . . . You behaved abominably . . . What did the Caspian +see?" + +A shade of genuine regret for misused opportunities passed +over Reginald's face. + +"After all," he said, "I believe an apricot tie would have +gone better with the lilac waistcoat." + + + +REGINALD ON CHRISTMAS PRESENTS + + + +I wish it to be distinctly understood (said Reginald) that I +don't want a "George, Prince of Wales" Prayer-book as a +Christmas present. The fact cannot be too widely known. + +There ought (he continued) to be technical education classes +on the science of present-giving. No one seems to have the +faintest notion of what anyone else wants, and the prevalent +ideas on the subject are not creditable to a civilised +community. + +There is, for instance, the female relative in the country +who "knows a tie is always useful," and sends you some +spotted horror that you could only wear in secret or in +Tottenham Court Road. It MIGHT have been useful had she kept +it to tie up currant bushes with, when it would have served +the double purpose of supporting the branches and frightening +away the birds--for it is an admitted fact that the ordinary +tomtit of commerce has a sounder aesthetic taste than the +average female relative in the country. + +Then there are aunts. They are always a difficult class to +deal with in the matter of presents. The trouble is that one +never catches them really young enough. By the time one has +educated them to an appreciation of the fact that one does +not wear red woollen mittens in the West End, they die, or +quarrel with the family, or do something equally +inconsiderate. That is why the supply of trained aunts is +always so precarious. + +There is my Aunt Agatha, par exemple, who sent me a pair of +gloves last Christmas, and even got so far as to choose a +kind that was being worn and had the correct number of +buttons. But--THEY WERE NINES! I sent them to a boy whom I +hated intimately: he didn't wear them, of course, but he +could have--that was where the bitterness of death came in. +It was nearly as consoling as sending white flowers to his +funeral. Of course I wrote and told my aunt that they were +the one thing that had been wanting to make existence blossom +like a rose; I am afraid she thought me frivolous--she comes +from the North, where they live in the fear of Heaven and the +Earl of Durham. (Reginald affects an exhaustive knowledge of +things political, which furnishes an excellent excuse for not +discussing them.) Aunts with a dash of foreign extraction in +them are the most satisfactory in the way of understanding +these things; but if you can't choose your aunt, it is wisest +in the long-run to choose the present and send her the bill. + +Even friends of one's own set, who might be expected to know +better, have curious delusions on the subject. I am NOT +collecting copies of the cheaper editions of Omar Khayyam. I +gave the last four that I received to the lift-boy, and I +like to think of him reading them, with FitzGerald's notes, +to his aged mother. Lift-boys always have aged mothers; +shows such nice feeling on their part, I think. + +Personally, I can't see where the difficulty in choosing +suitable presents lies. No boy who had brought himself up +properly could fail to appreciate one of those decorative +bottles of liqueurs that are so reverently staged in Morel's +window--and it wouldn't in the least matter if one did get +duplicates. And there would always be the supreme moment of +dreadful uncertainty whether it was creme de menthe or +Chartreuse--like the expectant thrill on seeing your +partner's hand turned up at bridge. People may say what they +like about the decay of Christianity; the religious system +that produced green Chartreuse can never really die. + +And then, of course, there are liqueur glasses, and +crystallised fruits, and tapestry curtains, and heaps of +other necessaries of life that make really sensible presents- +-not to speak of luxuries, such as having one's bills paid, +or getting something quite sweet in the way of jewellery. +Unlike the alleged Good Woman of the Bible, I'm not above +rubies. When found, by the way, she must have been rather a +problem at Christmas-time; nothing short of a blank cheque +would have fitted the situation. Perhaps it's as well that +she's died out. + +The great charm about me (concluded Reginald) is that I am so +easily pleased. + +But I draw the line at a "Prince of Wales" Prayer-book. + + + +REGINALD ON THE ACADEMY + + + +"One goes to the Academy in self-defence," said Reginald. +"It is the one topic one has in common with the Country +Cousins." + +"It is almost a religious observance with them," said the +Other. "A kind of artistic Mecca, and when the good ones die +they go" - + +"To the Chantrey Bequest. The mystery is what they find to +talk about in the country." + +"There are two subjects of conversation in the country: +Servants, and Can fowls be made to pay? The first, I +believe, is compulsory, the second optional." + +"As a function," resumed Reginald, "the Academy is a +failure." + +"You think it would be tolerable without the pictures?" + +"The pictures are all right, in their way; after all, one can +always LOOK at them if one is bored with one's surroundings, +or wants to avoid an imminent acquaintance." + +"Even that doesn't always save one. There is the inevitable +female whom you met once in Devonshire, or the Matoppo Hills, +or somewhere, who charges up to you with the remark that it's +funny how one always meets people one knows at the Academy. +Personally, I DON'T think it funny." + +"I suffered in that way just now," said Reginald plaintively, +"from a woman whose word I had to take that she had met me +last summer in Brittany." + +"I hope you were not too brutal?" + +"I merely told her with engaging simplicity that the art of +life was the avoidance of the unattainable." + +"Did she try and work it out on the back of her catalogue?" + +"Not there and then. She murmured something about being 'so +clever.' Fancy coming to the Academy to be clever!" + +"To be clever in the afternoon argues that one is dining +nowhere in the evening." + +"Which reminds me that I can't remember whether I accepted an +invitation from you to dine at Kettner's to-night." + +"On the other hand, I can remember with startling +distinctness not having asked you to." + +"So much certainty is unbecoming in the young; so we'll +consider that settled. What were you talking about? Oh, +pictures. Personally, I rather like them; they are so +refreshingly real and probable, they take one away from the +unrealities of life." + +"One likes to escape from oneself occasionally." + +"That is the disadvantage of a portrait; as a rule, one's +bitterest friends can find nothing more to ask than the +faithful unlikeness that goes down to posterity as oneself. +I hate posterity--it's so fond of having the last word. Of +course, as regards portraits, there are exceptions." + +"For instance?" + +"To die before being painted by Sargent is to go to heaven +prematurely." + +"With the necessary care and impatience, you may avoid that +catastrophe." + +"If you're going to be rude," said Reginald, "I shall dine +with you to-morrow night as well. The chief vice of the +Academy," he continued, "is its nomenclature. Why, for +instance, should an obvious trout-stream with a palpable +rabbit sitting in the foreground be called 'an evening dream +of unbeclouded peace,' or something of that sort?" + +"You think," said the Other, "that a name should economise +description rather than stimulate imagination?" + +"Properly chosen, it should do both. There is my lady kitten +at home, for instance; I've called it Derry." + +"Suggests nothing to my imagination but protracted sieges and +religious animosities. Of course, I don't know your kitten" +- + +"Oh, you're silly. It's a sweet name, and it answers to it-- +when it wants to. Then, if there are any unseemly noises in +the night, they can be explained succinctly: Derry and +Toms." + +"You might almost charge for the advertisement. But as +applied to pictures, don't you think your system would be too +subtle, say, for the Country Cousins?" + +"Every reformation must have its victims. You can't expect +the fatted calf to share the enthusiasm of the angels over +the prodigal's return. Another darling weakness of the +Academy is that none of its luminaries must 'arrive' in a +hurry. You can see them coming for years, like a Balkan +trouble or a street improvement, and by the time they have +painted a thousand or so square yards of canvas, their work +begins to be recognised." + +"Someone who Must Not be Contradicted said that a man must be +a success by the time he's thirty, or never." + +"To have reached thirty," said Reginald, "is to have failed +in life." + + + +REGINALD AT THE THEATRE + + + +"After all," said the Duchess vaguely, "there are certain +things you can't get away from. Right and wrong, good +conduct and moral rectitude, have certain well-defined +limits." + +"So, for the matter of that," replied Reginald, "has the +Russian Empire. The trouble is that the limits are not +always in the same place." + +Reginald and the Duchess regarded each other with mutual +distrust, tempered by a scientific interest. Reginald +considered that the Duchess had much to learn; in particular, +not to hurry out of the Carlton as though afraid of losing +one's last 'bus. A woman, he said, who is careless of +disappearances is capable of leaving town before Good-wood, +and dying at the wrong moment of an unfashionable disease. + +The Duchess thought that Reginald did not exceed the ethical +standard which circumstances demanded. + + "Of course," she resumed combatively, "it's the prevailing +fashion to believe in perpetual change and mutability, and +all that sort of thing, and to say we are all merely an +improved form of primeval ape--of course you subscribe to +that doctrine?" + +"I think it decidedly premature; in most people I know the +process is far from complete." + +"And equally of course you are quite irreligious?" + +"Oh, by no means. The fashion just now is a Roman Catholic +frame of mind with an Agnostic conscience: you get the +mediaeval picturesqueness of the one with the modern +conveniences of the other." + +The Duchess suppressed a sniff. She was one of those people +who regard the Church of England with patronising affection, +as if it were something that had grown up in their kitchen +garden. + +"But there are other things," she continued, "which I suppose +are to a certain extent sacred even to you. Patriotism, for +instance, and Empire, and Imperial responsibility, and blood- +is-thicker-than-water, and all that sort of thing." + +Reginald waited for a couple of minutes before replying, +while the Lord of Rimini temporarily monopolised the acoustic +possibilities of the theatre. + +"That is the worst of a tragedy," he observed, "one can't +always hear oneself talk. Of course I accept the Imperial +idea and the responsibility. After all, I would just as soon +think in Continents as anywhere else. And some day, when the +season is over and we have the time, you shall explain to me +the exact blood-brotherhood and all that sort of thing that +exists between a French Canadian and a mild Hindoo and a +Yorkshireman, for instance." + +"Oh, well, 'dominion over palm and pine,' you know," quoted +the Duchess hopefully; "of course we mustn't forget that +we're all part of the great Anglo-Saxon Empire." + +"Which for its part is rapidly becoming a suburb of +Jerusalem. A very pleasant suburb, I admit, and quite a +charming Jerusalem. But still a suburb." + +"Really, to be told one's living in a suburb when one is +conscious of spreading the benefits of civilisation all over +the world! Philanthropy--I suppose you will say THAT is a +comfortable delusion; and yet even you must admit that +whenever want or misery or starvation is known to exist, +however distant or difficult of access, we instantly organise +relief on the most generous scale, and distribute it, if need +be, to the uttermost ends of the earth." + +The Duchess paused, with a sense of ultimate triumph. She +had made the same observation at a drawing-room meeting, and +it had been extremely well received. + +"I wonder," said Reginald, "if you have ever walked down the +Embankment on a winter night?" + +"Gracious, no, child! Why do you ask?" + +"I didn't; I only wondered. And even your philanthropy, +practised in a world where everything is based on +competition, must have a debit as well as a credit account. +The young ravens cry for food." + +"And are fed." + +"Exactly. Which presupposes that something else is fed +upon." + +"Oh, you're simply exasperating. You've been reading +Nietzsche till you haven't got any sense of moral proportion +left. May I ask if you are governed by ANY laws of conduct +whatever?" + +"There are certain fixed rules that one observes for one's +own comfort. For instance, never be flippantly rude to any +inoffensive grey-bearded stranger that you may meet in pine +forests or hotel smoking-rooms on the Continent. It always +turns out to be the King of Sweden." + +"The restraint must be dreadfully irksome to you. When I was +younger, boys of your age used to be nice and innocent." + +"Now we are only nice. One must specialise in these days. +Which reminds me of the man I read of in some sacred book who +was given a choice of what he most desired. And because he +didn't ask for titles and honours and dignities, but only for +immense wealth, these other things came to him also." + +"I am sure you didn't read about him in any sacred book." + +"Yes; I fancy you will find him in Debrett." + + + +REGINALD'S PEACE POEM + + + +"I'm writing a poem on Peace," said Reginald, emerging from a +sweeping operation through a tin of mixed biscuits, in whose +depths a macaroon or two might yet be lurking. + +"Something of the kind seems to have been attempted already," +said the Other. + +"Oh, I know; but I may never have the chance again. Besides, +I've got a new fountain pen. I don't pretend to have gone on +any very original lines; in writing about Peace the thing is +to say what everybody else is saying, only to say it better. +It begins with the usual ornithological emotion - + + +'When the widgeon westward winging +Heard the folk Vereeniginging, +Heard the shouting and the singing'" - + + +"Vereeniginging is good, but why widgeon?" + +"Why not? Anything that winged westward would naturally +begin with a W." + +"Need it wing westward?" + +"The bird must go somewhere. You wouldn't have it hang +around and look foolish. Then I've brought in something +about the heedless hartebeest galloping over the deserted +veldt." + +"Of course you know it's practically extinct in those +regions?" + +"I can't help THAT, it gallops so nicely. I make it have all +sorts of unexpected yearnings - + + +'Mother, may I go and maffick, +Tear around and hinder traffic?' + + +Of course you'll say there would be no traffic worth +bothering about on the bare and sun-scorched veldt, but +there's no other word that rhymes with maffick." + +"Seraphic?" + +Reginald considered. "It might do, but I've got a lot about +angels later on. You must have angels in a Peace poem; I +know dreadfully little about their habits." + +"They can do unexpected things, like the hartebeest." + +"Of course. Then I turn on London, the City of Dreadful +Nocturnes, resonant with hymns of joy and thanksgiving - + + +'And the sleeper, eye unlidding, +Heard a voice for ever bidding +Much farewell to Dolly Gray; +Turning weary on his truckle- +Bed he heard the honey-suckle +Lauded in apiarian lay.' + + +Longfellow at his best wrote nothing like that." + +"I agree with you." + +"I wish you wouldn't. I've a sweet temper, but I can't stand +being agreed with. And I'm so worried about the aasvogel." + +Reginald stared dismally at the biscuit-tin, which now +presented an unattractive array of rejected cracknels. + +"I believe," he murmured, "if I could find a woman with an +unsatisfied craving for cracknels, I should marry her." + +"What is the tragedy of the aasvogel?" asked the Other +sympathetically. + +"Oh, simply that there's no rhyme for it. I thought about it +all the time I was dressing--it's dreadfully bad for one to +think whilst one's dressing--and all lunch-time, and I'm +still hung up over it. I feel like those unfortunate +automobilists who achieve an unenviable motoriety by coming +to a hopeless stop with their cars in the most crowded +thoroughfares. I'm afraid I shall have to drop the aasvogel, +and it did give such lovely local colour to the thing." + +"Still you've got the heedless hartebeest." + +"And quite a decorative bit of moral admonition--when you've +worried the meaning out - + + +'Cease, War, thy bubbling madness that the wine shares, +And bid thy legions turn their swords to mine shares.' + + +Mine shares seems to fit the case better than ploughshares. +There's lots more about the blessings of Peace, shall I go on +reading it?" + +"If I must make a choice, I think I would rather they went on +with the war." + + + +REGINALD'S CHOIR TREAT + + + +"Never," wrote Reginald to his most darling friend, "be a +pioneer. It's the Early Christian that gets the fattest +lion." + +Reginald, in his way, was a pioneer. + +None of the rest of his family had anything approaching +Titian hair or a sense of humour, and they used primroses as +a table decoration. + +It follows that they never understood Reginald, who came down +late to breakfast, and nibbled toast, and said disrespectful +things about the universe. The family ate porridge, and +believed in everything, even the weather forecast. + +Therefore the family was relieved when the vicar's daughter +undertook the reformation of Reginald. Her name was Amabel; +it was the vicar's one extravagance. Amabel was accounted a +beauty and intellectually gifted; she never played tennis, +and was reputed to have read Maeterlinck's Life of the Bee. +If you abstain from tennis AND read Maeterlinck in a small +country village, you are of necessity intellectual. Also she +had been twice to Fecamp to pick up a good French accent from +the Americans staying there; consequently she had a knowledge +of the world which might be considered useful in dealings +with a worldling. + +Hence the congratulations in the family when Amabel undertook +the reformation of its wayward member. + +Amabel commenced operations by asking her unsuspecting pupil +to tea in the vicarage garden; she believed in the healthy +influence of natural surroundings, never having been in +Sicily, where things are different. + +And like every woman who has ever preached repentance to +unregenerate youth, she dwelt on the sin of an empty life, +which always seems so much more scandalous in the country, +where people rise early to see if a new strawberry has +happened during the night. + +Reginald recalled the lilies of the field, "which simply sat +and looked beautiful, and defied competition." + +"But that is not an example for us to follow," gasped Amabel. + +"Unfortunately, we can't afford to. You don't know what a +world of trouble I take in trying to rival the lilies in +their artistic simplicity." + +"You are really indecently vain of your appearance. A good +life is infinitely preferable to good looks." + +"You agree with me that the two are incompatible. I always +say beauty is only sin deep." + +Amabel began to realise that the battle is not always to the +strong-minded. With the immemorial resource of her sex, she +abandoned the frontal attack, and laid stress on her +unassisted labours in parish work, her mental loneliness, her +discouragements--and at the right moment she produced +strawberries and cream. Reginald was obviously affected by +the latter, and when his preceptress suggested that he might +begin the strenuous life by helping her to supervise the +annual outing of the bucolic infants who composed the local +choir, his eyes shone with the dangerous enthusiasm of a +convert. + +Reginald entered on the strenuous life alone, as far as +Amabel was concerned. The most virtuous women are not proof +against damp grass, and Amabel kept her bed with a cold. +Reginald called it a dispensation; it had been the dream of +his life to stage-manage a choir outing. With strategic +insight, he led his shy, bullet-headed charges to the nearest +woodland stream and allowed them to bathe; then he seated +himself on their discarded garments and discoursed on their +immediate future, which, he decreed, was to embrace a +Bacchanalian procession through the village. Forethought had +provided the occasion with a supply of tin whistles, but the +introduction of a he-goat from a neighbouring orchard was a +brilliant afterthought. Properly, Reginald explained, there +should have been an outfit of panther skins; as it was, those +who had spotted handkerchiefs were allowed to wear them, +which they did with thankfulness. Reginald recognised the +impossibility, in the time at his disposal, of teaching his +shivering neophytes a chant in honour of Bacchus, so he +started them off with a more familiar, if less appropriate, +temperance hymn. After all, he said, it is the spirit of the +thing that counts. Following the etiquette of dramatic +authors on first nights, he remained discreetly in the +background while the procession, with extreme diffidence and +the goat, wound its way lugubriously towards the village. +The singing had died down long before the main street was +reached, but the miserable wailing of pipes brought the +inhabitants to their doors. Reginald said he had seen +something like it in pictures; the villagers had seen nothing +like it in their lives, and remarked as much freely. + +Reginald's family never forgave him. They had no sense of +humour. + + + +REGINALD ON WORRIES + + + +I have (said Reginald) an aunt who worries. She's not really +an aunt--a sort of amateur one, and they aren't really +worries. She is a social success, and has no domestic +tragedies worth speaking of, so she adopts any decorative +sorrows that are going, myself included. In that way she's +the antithesis, or whatever you call it, to those sweet, +uncomplaining women one knows who have seen trouble, and worn +blinkers ever since. Of course, one just loves them for it, +but I must confess they make me uncomfy; they remind one so +of a duck that goes flapping about with forced cheerfulness +long after its head's been cut off. Ducks have NO repose. +Now, my aunt has a shade of hair that suits her, and a cook +who quarrels with the other servants, which is always a +hopeful sign, and a conscience that's absentee for about +eleven months of the year, and only turns up at Lent to annoy +her husband's people, who are considerably Lower than the +angels, so to speak: with all these natural advantages--she +says her particular tint of bronze is a natural advantage, +and there can be no two opinions as to the advantage--of +course she has to send out for her afflictions, like those +restaurants where they haven't got a licence. The system has +this advantage, that you can fit your unhappinesses in with +your other engagements, whereas real worries have a way of +arriving at meal-times, and when you're dressing, or other +solemn moments. I knew a canary once that had been trying +for months and years to hatch out a family, and everyone +looked upon it as a blameless infatuation, like the sale of +Delagoa Bay, which would be an annual loss to the Press +agencies if it ever came to pass; and one day the bird really +did bring it off, in the middle of family prayers. I say the +middle, but it was also the end: you can't go on being +thankful for daily bread when you are wondering what on earth +very new canaries expect to be fed on. + +At present she's rather in a Balkan state of mind about the +treatment of the Jews in Roumania. Personally, I think the +Jews have estimable qualities; they're so kind to their poor- +-and to our rich. I daresay in Roumania the cost of living +beyond one's income isn't so great. Over here the trouble is +that so many people who have money to throw about seem to +have such vague ideas where to throw it. That fund, for +instance, to relieve the victims of sudden disasters--what is +a sudden disaster? There's Marion Mulciber, who WOULD think +she could play bridge, just as she would think she could ride +down a hill on a bicycle; on that occasion she went to a +hospital, now she's gone into a Sisterhood--lost all she had, +you know, and gave the rest to Heaven. Still, you can't call +it a sudden calamity; THAT occurred when poor dear Marion was +born. The doctors said at the time that she couldn't live +more than a fortnight, and she's been trying ever since to +see if she could. Women are so opinionated. + +And then there's the Education Question--not that I can see +that there's anything to worry about in that direction. To +my mind, education is an absurdly over-rated affair. At +least, one never took it very seriously at school, where +everything was done to bring it prominently under one's +notice. Anything that is worth knowing one practically +teaches oneself, and the rest obtrudes itself sooner or +later. The reason one's elders know so comparatively little +is because they have to unlearn so much that they acquired by +way of education before we were born. Of course I'm a +believer in Nature-study; as I said to Lady Beauwhistle, if +you want a lesson in elaborate artificiality, just watch the +studied unconcern of a Persian cat entering a crowded salon, +and then go and practise it for a fortnight. The +Beauwhistles weren't born in the Purple, you know, but +they're getting there on the instalment system--so much down, +and the rest when you feel like it. They have kind hearts, +and they never forget birthdays. I forget what he was, +something in the City, where the patriotism comes from; and +she--oh, well, her frocks are built in Paris, but she wears +them with a strong English accent. So public-spirited of +her. I think she must have been very strictly brought up, +she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. +Not that it really matters nowadays, as I told her: I know +some perfectly virtuous people who are received everywhere. + + + +REGINALD ON HOUSE-PARTIES + + + +The drawback is, one never really KNOWS one's hosts and +hostesses. One gets to know their fox-terriers and their +chrysanthemums, and whether the story about the go-cart can +be turned loose in the drawing-room, or must be told +privately to each member of the party, for fear of shocking +public opinion; but one's host and hostess are a sort of +human hinterland that one never has the time to explore. + +There was a fellow I stayed with once in Warwickshire who +farmed his own land, but was otherwise quite steady. Should +never have suspected him of having a soul, yet not very long +afterwards he eloped with a lion-tamer's widow and set up as +a golf-instructor somewhere on the Persian Gulf; dreadfully +immoral, of course, because he was only an indifferent +player, but still, it showed imagination. His wife was +really to be pitied, because he had been the only person in +the house who understood how to manage the cook's temper, and +now she has to put "D.V." on her dinner invitations. Still, +that's better than a domestic scandal; a woman who leaves her +cook never wholly recovers her position in Society. + +I suppose the same thing holds good with the hosts; they +seldom have more than a superficial acquaintance with their +guests, and so often just when they do get to know you a bit +better, they leave off knowing you altogether. There was +RATHER a breath of winter in the air when I left those +Dorset-shire people. You see, they had asked me down to +shoot, and I'm not particularly immense at that sort of +thing. There's such a deadly sameness about partridges; when +you've missed one, you've missed the lot--at least, that's +been my experience. And they tried to rag me in the smoking- +room about not being able to hit a bird at five yards, a sort +of bovine ragging that suggested cows buzzing round a gadfly +and thinking they were teasing it. So I got up the next +morning at early dawn--I know it was dawn, because there were +lark-noises in the sky, and the grass looked as if it had +been left out all night--and hunted up the most conspicuous +thing in the bird line that I could find, and measured the +distance, as nearly as it would let me, and shot away all I +knew. They said afterwards that it was a tame bird; that's +simply SILLY, because it was awfully wild at the first few +shots. Afterwards it quieted down a bit, and when its legs +had stopped waving farewells to the landscape I got a +gardener-boy to drag it into the hall, where everybody must +see it on their way to the breakfast-room. I breakfasted +upstairs myself. I gathered afterwards that the meal was +tinged with a very unchristian spirit. I suppose it's +unlucky to bring peacock's feathers into a house; anyway, +there was a blue-pencilly look in my hostess's eye when I +took my departure. + +Some hostesses, of course, will forgive anything, even unto +pavonicide (is there such a word?), as long as one is nice- +looking and sufficiently unusual to counterbalance some of +the others; and there ARE others--the girl, for instance, who +reads Meredith, and appears at meals with unnatural +punctuality in a frock that's made at home and repented at +leisure. She eventually finds her way to India and gets +married, and comes home to admire the Royal Academy, and to +imagine that an indifferent prawn curry is for ever an +effective substitute for all that we have been taught to +believe is luncheon. It's then that she is really dangerous; +but at her worst she is never quite so bad as the woman who +fires Exchange and Mart questions at you without the least +provocation. Imagine the other day, just when I was doing my +best to understand half the things I was saying, being asked +by one of those seekers after country home truths how many +fowls she could keep in a run ten feet by six, or whatever it +was! I told her whole crowds, as long as she kept the door +shut, and the idea didn't seem to have struck her before; at +least, she brooded over it for the rest of dinner. + +Of course, as I say, one never really KNOWS one's ground, and +one may make mistakes occasionally. But then one's mistakes +sometimes turn out assets in the long-run: if we had never +bungled away our American colonies we might never have had +the boy from the States to teach us how to wear our hair and +cut our clothes, and we must get our ideas from somewhere, I +suppose. Even the Hooligan was probably invented in China +centuries before we thought of him. England must wake up, as +the Duke of Devonshire said the other day; wasn't it? Oh, +well, it was someone else. Not that I ever indulge in +despair about the Future; there always have been men who have +gone about despairing of the Future, and when the Future +arrives it says nice, superior things about their having +acted according to their lights. It is dreadful to think +that other people's grandchildren may one day rise up and +call one amiable. + +There are moments when one sympathises with Herod. + + + +REGINALD AT THE CARLTON + + + +"A most variable climate," said the Duchess; "and how +unfortunate that we should have had that very cold weather at +a time when coal was so dear! So distressing for the poor." + +"Someone has observed that Providence is always on the side +of the big dividends," remarked Reginald. + +The Duchess ate an anchovy in a shocked manner; she was +sufficiently old-fashioned to dislike irreverence towards +dividends. + +Reginald had left the selection of a feeding-ground to her +womanly intuition, but he chose the wine himself, knowing +that womanly intuition stops short at claret. A woman will +cheerfully choose husbands for her less attractive friends, +or take sides in a political controversy without the least +knowledge of the issues involved--but no woman ever +cheerfully chose a claret. + +"Hors d'oeuvres have always a pathetic interest for me," said +Reginald: "they remind me of one's childhood that one goes +through, wondering what the next course is going to be like-- +and during the rest of the menu one wishes one had eaten more +of the hors d'oeuvres. Don't you love watching the different +ways people have of entering a restaurant? There is the +woman who races in as though her whole scheme of life were +held together by a one-pin despotism which might abdicate its +functions at any moment; it's really a relief to see her +reach her chair in safety. Then there are the people who +troop in with an-unpleasant-duty-to-perform air, as if they +were angels of Death entering a plague city. You see that +type of Briton very much in hotels abroad. And nowadays +there are always the Johannesbourgeois, who bring a Cape-to- +Cairo atmosphere with them--what may be called the Rand +Manner, I suppose." + +"Talking about hotels abroad," said the Duchess, "I am +preparing notes for a lecture at the Club on the educational +effects of modern travel, dealing chiefly with the moral side +of the question. I was talking to Lady Beauwhistle's aunt +the other day--she's just come back from Paris, you know. +Such a sweet woman" - + +"And so silly. In these days of the over-education of women +she's quite refreshing. They say some people went through +the siege of Paris without knowing that France and Germany +were at war; but the Beauwhistle aunt is credited with having +passed the whole winter in Paris under the impression that +the Humberts were a kind of bicycle . . . Isn't there a +bishop or somebody who believes we shall meet all the animals +we have known on earth in another world? How frightfully +embarrassing to meet a whole shoal of whitebait you had last +known at Prince's! I'm sure in my nervousness I should talk +of nothing but lemons. Still, I daresay they would be quite +as offended if one hadn't eaten them. I know if I were +served up at a cannibal feast I should be dreadfully annoyed +if anyone found fault with me for not being tender enough, or +having been kept too long." + +"My idea about the lecture," resumed the Duchess hurriedly, +"is to inquire whether promiscuous Continental travel doesn't +tend to weaken the moral fibre of the social conscience. +There are people one knows, quite nice people when they are +in England, who are so DIFFERENT when they are anywhere the +other side of the Channel." + +"The people with what I call Tauchnitz morals," observed +Reginald. "On the whole, I think they get the best of two +very desirable worlds. And, after all, they charge so much +for excess luggage on some of those foreign lines that it's +really an economy to leave one's reputation behind one +occasionally." + +"A scandal, my dear Reginald, is as much to be avoided at +Monaco or any of those places as at Exeter, let us say." + +"Scandal, my dear Irene--I may call you Irene, mayn't I?" + +"I don't know that you have known me long enough for that." + +"I've known you longer than your god-parents had when they +took the liberty of calling you that name. Scandal is merely +the compassionate allowance which the gay make to the +humdrum. Think how many blameless lives are brightened by +the blazing indiscretions of other people. Tell me, who is +the woman with the old lace at the table on our left? Oh, +THAT doesn't matter; it's quite the thing nowadays to stare +at people as if they were yearlings at Tattersall's." + +"Mrs. Spelvexit? Quite a charming woman; separated from her +husband" - + +"Incompatibility of income?" + +"Oh, nothing of that sort. By miles of frozen ocean, I was +going to say. He explores ice-floes and studies the +movements of herrings, and has written a most interesting +book on the home-life of the Esquimaux; but naturally he has +very little home-life of his own." + +"A husband who comes home with the Gulf Stream WOULD be +rather a tied-up asset." + +"His wife is exceedingly sensible about it. She collects +postage-stamps. Such a resource. Those people with her are +the Whimples, very old acquaintances of mine; they're always +having trouble, poor things." + +"Trouble is not one of those fancies you can take up and drop +at any moment; it's like a grouse-moor or the opium-habit-- +once you start it you've got to keep it up." + +"Their eldest son was such a disappointment to them; they +wanted him to be a linguist, and spent no end of money on +having him taught to speak--oh, dozens of languages!--and +then he became a Trappist monk. And the youngest, who was +intended for the American marriage market, has developed +political tendencies, and writes pamphlets about the housing +of the poor. Of course it's a most important question, and I +devote a good deal of time to it myself in the mornings; but, +as Laura Whimple says, it's as well to have an establishment +of one's own before agitating about other people's. She +feels it very keenly, but she always maintains a cheerful +appetite, which I think is so unselfish of her." + +"There are different ways of taking disappointment. There +was a girl I knew who nursed a wealthy uncle through a long +illness, borne by her with Christian fortitude, and then he +died and left his money to a swine-fever hospital. She found +she'd about cleared stock in fortitude by that time, and now +she gives drawing-room recitations. That's what I call being +vindictive." + +"Life is full of its disappointments," observed the Duchess, +"and I suppose the art of being happy is to disguise them as +illusions. But that, my dear Reginald, becomes more +difficult as one grows older." + +"I think it's more generally practised than you imagine. The +young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have +reminiscences of what never happened. It's only the middle- +aged who are really conscious of their limitations--that is +why one should be so patient with them. But one never is." + +"After all," said the Duchess, "the disillusions of life may +depend on our way of assessing it. In the minds of those who +come after us we may be remembered for qualities and +successes which we quite left out of the reckoning." + +"It's not always safe to depend on the commemorative +tendencies of those who come after us. There may have been +disillusionments in the lives of the mediaeval saints, but +they would scarcely have been better pleased if they could +have foreseen that their names would be associated nowadays +chiefly with racehorses and the cheaper clarets. And now, if +you can tear yourself away from the salted almonds, we'll go +and have coffee under the palms that are so necessary for our +discomfort." + + + +REGINALD ON BESETTING SINS +THE WOMAN WHO TOLD THE TRUTH + + + +There was once (said Reginald) a woman who told the truth. +Not all at once, of course, but the habit grew upon her +gradually, like lichen on an apparently healthy tree. She +had no children--otherwise it might have been different. It +began with little things, for no particular reason except +that her life was a rather empty one, and it is so easy to +slip into the habit of telling the truth in little matters. +And then it became difficult to draw the line at more +important things, until at last she took to telling the truth +about her age; she said she was forty-two and five months--by +that time, you see, she was veracious even to months. It may +have been pleasing to the angels, but her elder sister was +not gratified. On the Woman's birthday, instead of the +opera-tickets which she had hoped for, her sister gave her a +view of Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives, which is not +quite the same thing. The revenge of an elder sister may be +long in coming, but, like a South-Eastern express, it arrives +in its own good time. + +The friends of the Woman tried to dissuade her from over- +indulgence in the practice, but she said she was wedded to +the truth; whereupon it was remarked that it was scarcely +logical to be so much together in public. (No really +provident woman lunches regularly with her husband if she +wishes to burst upon him as a revelation at dinner. He must +have time to forget; an afternoon is not enough.) And after +a while her friends began to thin out in patches. Her +passion for the truth was not compatible with a large +visiting-list. For instance, she told Miriam Klopstock +EXACTLY how she looked at the Ilexes' ball. Certainly Miriam +had asked for her candid opinion, but the Woman prayed in +church every Sunday for peace in our time, and it was not +consistent. + +It was unfortunate, everyone agreed, that she had no family; +with a child or two in the house, there is an unconscious +check upon too free an indulgence in the truth. Children are +given us to discourage our better emotions. That is why the +stage, with all its efforts, can never be as artificial as +life; even in an Ibsen drama one must reveal to the audience +things that one would suppress before the children or +servants. + +Fate may have ordained the truth-telling from the +commencement and should justly bear some of the blame; but in +having no children the Woman was guilty, at least, of +contributory negligence. + +Little by little she felt she was becoming a slave to what +had once been merely an idle propensity; and one day she +knew. Every woman tells ninety per cent, of the truth to her +dressmaker; the other ten per cent, is the irreducible +minimum of deception beyond which no self-respecting client +trespasses. Madame Draga's establishment was a meeting- +ground for naked truths and overdressed fictions, and it was +here, the Woman felt, that she might make a final effort to +recall the artless mendacity of past days. Madame herself +was in an inspiring mood, with the air of a sphinx who knew +all things and preferred to forget most of them. As a War +Minister she might have been celebrated, but she was content +to be merely rich. + +"If I take it in here, and--Miss Howard, one moment, if you +please--and there, and round like this--so--I really think +you will find it quite easy." + +The Woman hesitated; it seemed to require such a small effort +to simply acquiesce in Madame's views. But habit had become +too strong. "I'm afraid," she faltered, "it's just the least +little bit in the world too" - + +And by that least little bit she measured the deeps and +eternities of her thraldom to fact. Madame was not best +pleased at being contradicted on a professional matter, and +when Madame lost her temper you usually found it afterwards +in the bill. + +And at last the dreadful thing came, as the Woman had +foreseen all along that it must; it was one of those paltry +little truths with which she harried her waking hours. On a +raw Wednesday morning, in a few ill-chosen words, she told +the cook that she drank. She remembered the scene afterwards +as vividly as though it had been painted in her mind by +Abbey. The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks +go she went. + +Miriam Klopstock came to lunch the next day. Women and +elephants never forget an injury. + + + +REGINALD'S DRAMA + + + +Reginald closed his eyes with the elaborate weariness of one +who has rather nice eyelashes and thinks it useless to +conceal the fact. + +"One of these days," he said, "I shall write a really great +drama. No one will understand the drift of it, but everyone +will go back to their homes with a vague feeling of +dissatisfaction with their lives and surroundings. Then they +will put up new wall-papers and forget." + +"But how about those that have oak panelling all over the +house?" said the Other. + +"They can always put down new stair-carpets," pursued +Reginald, "and, anyhow, I'm not responsible for the audience +having a happy ending. The play would be quite sufficient +strain on one's energies. I should get a bishop to say it +was immoral and beautiful--no dramatist has thought of that +before, and everyone would come to condemn the bishop, and +they would stay on out of sheer nervousness. After all, it +requires a great deal of moral courage to leave in a marked +manner in the middle of the second act, when your carriage +isn't ordered till twelve. And it would commence with wolves +worrying something on a lonely waste--you wouldn't see them, +of course; but you would hear them snarling and scrunching, +and I should arrange to have a wolfy fragrance suggested +across the footlights. It would look so well on the +programmes, 'Wolves in the first act, by Jamrach.' And old +Lady Whortleberry, who never misses a first night, would +scream. She's always been nervous since she lost her first +husband. He died quite abruptly while watching a county +cricket match; two and a half inches of rain had fallen for +seven runs, and it was supposed that the excitement killed +him. Anyhow, it gave her quite a shock; it was the first +husband she'd lost, you know, and now she always screams if +anything thrilling happens too soon after dinner. And after +the audience had heard the Whortleberry scream the thing +would be fairly launched." + +"And the plot?" + +"The plot," said Reginald, "would be one of those little +everyday tragedies that one sees going on all round one. In +my mind's eye there is the case of the Mudge-Jervises, which +in an unpretentious way has quite an Enoch Arden intensity +underlying it. They'd only been married some eighteen months +or so, and circumstances had prevented their seeing much of +each other. With him there was always a foursome or +something that had to be played and replayed in different +parts of the country, and she went in for slumming quite as +seriously as if it was a sport. With her, I suppose, it was. +She belonged to the Guild of the Poor Dear Souls, and they +hold the record for having nearly reformed a washerwoman. No +one has ever really reformed a washerwoman, and that is why +the competition is so keen. You can rescue charwomen by +fifties with a little tea and personal magnetism, but with +washerwomen it's different; wages are too high. This +particular laundress, who came from Bermondsey or some such +place, was really rather a hopeful venture, and they thought +at last that she might be safely put in the window as a +specimen of successful work. So they had her paraded at a +drawing-room "At Home" at Agatha Camelford's; it was sheer +bad luck that some liqueur chocolates had been turned loose +by mistake among the refreshments--really liqueur chocolates, +with very little chocolate. And of course the old soul found +them out, and cornered the entire stock. It was like finding +a whelk-stall in a desert, as she afterwards partially +expressed herself. When the liqueurs began to take effect, +she started to give them imitations of farmyard animals as +they know them in Bermondsey. She began with a dancing bear, +and you know Agatha doesn't approve of dancing, except at +Buckingham Palace under proper supervision. And then she got +up on the piano and gave them an organ monkey; I gather she +went in for realism rather than a Maeterlinckian treatment of +the subject Finally, she fell into the piano and said she was +a parrot in a cage, and for an impromptu performance I +believe she was very word--perfect; no one had heard anything +like it, except Baroness Boobelstein who has attended +sittings of the Austrian Reichsrath. Agatha is trying the +Rest-cure at Buxton." + +"But the tragedy?" + +"Oh, the Mudge-Jervises. Well, they were getting along quite +happily, and their married life was one continuous exchange +of picture-postcards; and then one day they were thrown +together on some neutral ground where foursomes and +washerwomen overlapped, and discovered that they were +hopelessly divided on the Fiscal Question. They have thought +it best to separate, and she is to have the custody of the +Persian kittens for nine months in the year--they go back to +him for the winter, when she is abroad. There you have the +material for a tragedy drawn straight from life--and the +piece could be called 'The Price They Paid for Empire.' And +of course one would have to work in studies of the struggle +of hereditary tendency against environment and all that sort +of thing. The woman's father could have been an Envoy to +some of the smaller German Courts; that's where she'd get her +passion for visiting the poor, in spite of the most careful +upbringing. C'est le premier pa qui compte, as the cuckoo +said when it swallowed its foster-parent. That, I think, is +quite clever." + +"And the wolves?" + +"Oh, the wolves would be a sort of elusive undercurrent in +the background that would never be satisfactorily explained. +After all, life teems with things that have no earthly +reason. And whenever the characters could think of nothing +brilliant to say about marriage or the War Office, they could +open a window and listen to the howling of the wolves. But +that would be very seldom." + + + +REGINALD ON TARIFFS + + + +I'm not going to discuss the Fiscal Question (said Reginald); +I wish to be original. At the same time, I think one suffers +more than one realises from the system of free imports. I +should like, for instance, a really prohibitive duty put upon +the partner who declares on a weak red suit and hopes for the +best. Even a free outlet for compressed verbiage doesn't +balance matters. And I think there should be a sort of +bounty-fed export (is that the right expression?) of the +people who impress on you that you ought to take life +seriously. There are only two classes that really can't help +taking life seriously--schoolgirls of thirteen and +Hohenzollerns; they might be exempt. Albanians come under +another heading; they take life whenever they get the +opportunity. The one Albanian that I was ever on speaking +terms with was rather a decadent example. He was a Christian +and a grocer, and I don't fancy he had ever killed anybody. +I didn't like to question him on the subject--that showed my +delicacy. Mrs. Nicorax says I have no delicacy; she hasn't +forgiven me about the mice. You see, when I was staying down +there, a mouse used to cake-walk about my room half the +night, and none of their silly patent traps seemed to take +its fancy as a bijou residence, so I determined to appeal to +the better side of it--which with mice is the inside. So I +called it Percy, and put little delicacies down near its hole +every night, and that kept it quiet while I read Max Nordau's +Degeneration and other reproving literature, and went to +sleep. And now she says there is a whole colony of mice in +that room. + +That isn't where the indelicacy comes in. She went out +riding with me, which was entirely her own suggestion, and as +we were coming home through some meadows she made a quite +unnecessary attempt to see if her pony would jump a rather +messy sort of brook that was there. It wouldn't. It went +with her as far as the water's edge, and from that point Mrs. +Nicorax went on alone. Of course I had to fish her out from +the bank, and my riding-breeches are not cut with a view to +salmon-fishing--it's rather an art even to ride in them. Her +habit-skirt was one of those open questions that need not be +adhered to in emergencies, and on this occasion it remained +behind in some water-weeds. She wanted me to fish about for +that too, but I felt I had done enough Pharaoh's daughter +business for an October afternoon, and I was beginning to +want my tea. So I bundled her up on to her pony, and gave +her a lead towards home as fast as I cared to go. What with +the wet and the unusual responsibility, her abridged costume +did not stand the pace particularly well, and she got quite +querulous when I shouted back that I had no pins with me--and +no string. Some women expect so much from a fellow. When we +got into the drive she wanted to go up the back way to the +stables, but the ponies KNOW they always get sugar at the +front door, and I never attempt to hold a pulling pony; as +for Mrs. Nicorax, it took her all she knew to keep a firm +hand on her seceding garments, which, as her maid remarked +afterwards, were more tout than ensemble. Of course nearly +the whole house-party were out on the lawn watching the +sunset--the only day this month that it's occurred to the sun +to show itself, as Mrs. Nic. viciously observed--and I shall +never forget the expression on her husband's face as we +pulled up. "My darling, this is too much!" was his first +spoken comment; taking into consideration the state of her +toilet, it was the most brilliant thing I had ever heard him +say, and I went into the library to be alone and scream. +Mrs. Nicorax says I have no delicacy. + +Talking about tariffs, the lift-boy, who reads extensively +between the landings, says it won't do to tax raw +commodities. What, exactly, is a raw commodity? Mrs. Van +Challaby says men are raw commodities till you marry them; +after they've struck Mrs. Van C., I can fancy they pretty +soon become a finished article. Certainly she's had a good +deal of experience to support her opinion. She lost one +husband in a railway accident, and mislaid another in the +Divorce Court, and the current one has just got himself +squeezed in a Beef Trust. "What was he doing in a Beef +Trust, anyway?" she asked tearfully, and I suggested that +perhaps he had an unhappy home. I only said it for the sake +of making conversation; which it did. Mrs. Van Challaby said +things about me which in her calmer moments she would have +hesitated to spell. It's a pity people can't discuss fiscal +matters without getting wild. However, she wrote next day to +ask if I could get her a Yorkshire terrier of the size and +shade that's being worn now, and that's as near as a woman +can be expected to get to owning herself in the wrong. And +she will tie a salmon-pink bow to its collar, and call it +"Reggie," and take it with her everywhere--like poor Miriam +Klopstock, who WOULD take her Chow with her to the bathroom, +and while she was bathing it was playing at she-bears with +her garments. Miriam is always late for breakfast, and she +wasn't really missed till the middle of lunch. + +However, I'm not going any further into the Fiscal Question. +Only I should like to be protected from the partner with a +weak red tendency. + + + +REGINALD'S CHRISTMAS REVEL + + + +They say (said Reginald) that there's nothing sadder than +victory except defeat. If you've ever stayed with dull +people during what is alleged to be the festive season, you +can probably revise that saying. I shall never forget +putting in a Christmas at the Babwolds'. Mrs. Babwold is +some relation of my father's--a sort of to-be-left-till- +called-for cousin--and that was considered sufficient reason +for my having to accept her invitation at about the sixth +time of asking; though why the sins of the father should be +visited by the children--you won't find any notepaper in that +drawer; that's where I keep old menus and first-night +programmes. + +Mrs. Babwold wears a rather solemn personality, and has never +been known to smile, even when saying disagreeable things to +her friends or making out the Stores list. She takes her +pleasures sadly. A state elephant at a Durbar gives one a +very similar impression. Her husband gardens in all +weathers. When a man goes out in the pouring rain to brush +caterpillars off rose-trees, I generally imagine his life +indoors leaves something to be desired; anyway, it must be +very unsettling for the caterpillars. + +Of course there were other people there. There was a Major +Somebody who had shot things in Lapland, or somewhere of that +sort; I forget what they were, but it wasn't for want of +reminding. We had them cold with every meal almost, and he +was continually giving us details of what they measured from +tip to tip, as though he thought we were going to make them +warm under-things for the winter. I used to listen to him +with a rapt attention that I thought rather suited me, and +then one day I quite modestly gave the dimensions of an okapi +I had shot in the Lincolnshire fens. The Major turned a +beautiful Tyrian scarlet (I remember thinking at the time +that I should like my bathroom hung in that colour), and I +think that at that moment he almost found it in his heart to +dislike me. Mrs. Babwold put on a first-aid-to-the-injured +expression, and asked him why he didn't publish a book of his +sporting reminiscences; it would be SO interesting. She +didn't remember till afterwards that he had given her two fat +volumes on the subject, with his portrait and autograph as a +frontispiece and an appendix on the habits of the Arctic +mussel. + +It was in the evening that we cast aside the cares and +distractions of the day and really lived. Cards were thought +to be too frivolous and empty a way of passing the time, so +most of them played what they called a book game. You went +out into the hall--to get an inspiration, I suppose--then you +came in again with a muffler tied round your neck and looked +silly, and the others were supposed to guess that you were +"Wee MacGreegor." I held out against the inanity as long as +I decently could, but at last, in a lapse of good-nature, I +consented to masquerade as a book, only I warned them that it +would take some time to carry out. They waited for the best +part of forty minutes, while I went and played wineglass +skittles with the page-boy in the pantry; you play it with a +champagne cork, you know, and the one who knocks down the +most glasses without breaking them wins. I won, with four +unbroken out of seven; I think William suffered from over- +anxiousness. They were rather mad in the drawing-room at my +not having come back, and they weren't a bit pacified when I +told them afterwards that I was "At the end of the passage." + +"I never did like Kipling," was Mrs. Babwold's comment, when +the situation dawned upon her. "I couldn't see anything +clever in Earthworms out of Tuscany--or is that by Darwin?" + +Of course these games are very educational, but, personally, +I prefer bridge. + +On Christmas evening we were supposed to be specially festive +in the Old English fashion. The hall was horribly draughty, +but it seemed to be the proper place to revel in, and it was +decorated with Japanese fans and Chinese lanterns, which gave +it a very Old English effect. A young lady with a +confidential voice favoured us with a long recitation about a +little girl who died or did something equally hackneyed, and +then the Major gave us a graphic account of a struggle he had +with a wounded bear. I privately wished that the bears would +win sometimes on these occasions; at least they wouldn't go +vapouring about it afterwards. Before we had time to recover +our spirits, we were indulged with some thought-reading by a +young man whom one knew instinctively had a good mother and +an indifferent tailor--the sort of young man who talks +unflaggingly through the thickest soup, and smooths his hair +dubiously as though he thought it might hit back. The +thought-reading was rather a success; he announced that the +hostess was thinking about poetry, and she admitted that her +mind was dwelling on one of Austin's odes. Which was near +enough. I fancy she had been really wondering whether a +scrag-end of mutton and some cold plum-pudding would do for +the kitchen dinner next day. As a crowning dissipation, they +all sat down to play progressive halma, with milk-chocolate +for prizes. I've been carefully brought up, and I don't like +to play games of skill for milk-chocolate, so I invented a +headache and retired from the scene. I had been preceded a +few minutes earlier by Miss Langshan-Smith, a rather +formidable lady, who always got up at some uncomfortable hour +in the morning, and gave you the impression that she had been +in communication with most of the European Governments before +breakfast. There was a paper pinned on her door with a +signed request that she might be called particularly early on +the morrow. Such an opportunity does not come twice in a +lifetime. I covered up everything except the signature with +another notice, to the effect that before these words should +meet the eye she would have ended a misspent life, was sorry +for the trouble she was giving, and would like a military +funeral. A few minutes later I violently exploded an air- +filled paper bag on the landing, and gave a stage moan that +could have been heard in the cellars. Then I pursued my +original intention and went to bed. The noise those people +made in forcing open the good lady's door was positively +indecorous; she resisted gallantly, but I believe they +searched her for bullets for about a quarter of an hour, as +if she had been an historic battlefield. + +I hate travelling on Boxing Day, but one must occasionally do +things that one dislikes. + + + +REGINALD'S RUBAIYAT + + + +The other day (confided Reginald), when I was killing time in +the bathroom and making bad resolutions for the New Year, it +occurred to me that I would like to be a poet. The chief +qualification, I understand, is that you must be born. Well, +I hunted up my birth certificate, and found that I was all +right on that score, and then I got to work on a Hymn to the +New Year, which struck me as having possibilities. It +suggested extremely unusual things to absolutely unlikely +people, which I believe is the art of first-class catering in +any department. Quite the best verse in it went something +like this - + + +"Have you heard the groan of a gravelled grouse, +Or the snarl of a snaffled snail +(Husband or mother, like me, or spouse), +Have you lain a-creep in the darkened house +Where the wounded wombats wail?" + + +It was quite improbable that anyone had, you know, and that's +where it stimulated the imagination and took people out of +their narrow, humdrum selves. No one has ever called me +narrow or humdrum, but even I felt worked up now and then at +the thought of that house with the stricken wombats in it. +It simply wasn't nice. But the editors were unanimous in +leaving it alone; they said the thing had been done before +and done worse, and that the market for that sort of work was +extremely limited. + +It was just on the top of that discouragement that the +Duchess wanted me to write something in her album--something +Persian, you know, and just a little bit decadent--and I +thought a quatrain on an unwholesome egg would meet the +requirements of the case. So I started in with - + + +"Cackle, cackle, little hen, +How I wonder if and when +Once you laid the egg that I +Met, alas! too late. Amen." + + +The Duchess objected to the Amen, which I thought gave an air +of forgiveness and chose jugee to the whole thing; also she +said it wasn't Persian enough, as though I were trying to +sell her a kitten whose mother had married for love rather +than pedigree. So I recast it entirely, and the new version +read - + + +"The hen that laid thee moons ago, who knows +In what Dead Yesterday her shades repose; +To some election turn thy waning span +And rain thy rottenness on fiscal foes." + + +I thought there was enough suggestion of decay in that to +satisfy a jackal, and to me there was something infinitely +pathetic and appealing in the idea of the egg having a sort +of St. Luke's summer of commercial usefulness. But the +Duchess begged me to leave out any political allusions; she's +the president of a Women's Something or other, and she said +it might be taken as an endorsement of deplorable, methods. +I never can remember which Party Irene discourages with her +support, but I shan't forget an occasion when I was staying +at her place and she gave me a pamphlet to leave at the house +of a doubtful voter, and some grapes and things for a woman +who was suffering from a chill on the top of a patent +medicine. I thought it much cleverer to give the grapes to +the former and the political literature to the sick woman, +and the Duchess was quite absurdly annoyed about it +afterwards. It seems the leaflet was addressed "To those +about to wobble"--I wasn't responsible for the silly title of +the thing--and the woman never recovered; anyway, the voter +was completely won over by the grapes and jellies, and I +think that should have balanced matters. The Duchess called +it bribery, and said it might have compromised the candidate +she was supporting; he was expected to subscribe to church +funds and chapel funds, and football and cricket clubs and +regattas, and bazaars and beanfeasts and bellringers, and +poultry shows and ploughing matches, and reading-rooms and +choir outings, and shooting trophies and testimonials, and +anything of that sort; but bribery would not have been +tolerated. + +I fancy I have perhaps more talent for electioneering than +for poetry, and I was really getting extended over this +quatrain business. The egg began to be unmanageable, and the +Duchess suggested something with a French literary ring about +it. I hunted back in my mind for the most familiar French +classic that I could take liberties with, and after a little +exercise of memory I turned out the following:- + + +"Hast thou the pen that once the gardener had? +I have it not; and know, these pears are had. +Oh, larger than the horses of the Prince +Are those the general drives in Kaikobad." + + +Even that didn't altogether satisfy Irene; I fancy the +geography of it puzzled her. She probably thought Kaikobad +was an unfashionable German spa, where you'd meet matrimonial +bargain-hunters and emergency Servian kings. My temper was +beginning to slip its moorings by that time I look rather +nice when I lose my temper. (I hoped you would say I lose it +very often. I mustn't monopolise the conversation.) + +"Of course, if you want something really Persian and +passionate, with red wine and bulbuls in it," I went on to +suggest; but she grabbed the book away from me. + +"Not for worlds. Nothing with red wine or passion in it. +Dear Agatha gave me the album, and she would be mortified to +the quick" - + +I said I didn't believe Agatha had a quick, and we got quite +heated in arguing the matter. Finally, the Duchess declared +I shouldn't write anything nasty in her book, and I said I +wouldn't write anything in her nasty book, so there wasn't a +very wide point of difference between us. For the rest of +the afternoon I pretended to be sulking, but I was really +working back to that quatrain, like a fox-terrier that's +buried a deferred lunch in a private flower-bed. When I got +an opportunity I hunted up Agatha's autograph, which had the +front page all to itself, and, copying her prim handwriting +as well as I could, I inserted above it the following +Thibetan fragment:- + + +"With Thee, oh, my Beloved, to do a dak +(a dak I believe is a sort of uncomfortable post-journey) +On the pack-saddle of a grunting yak, +With never room for chilling chaperone, +'Twere better than a Panhard in the Park." + + +That Agatha would get on to a yak in company with a lover +even in the comparative seclusion of Thibet is unthinkable. +I very much doubt if she'd do it with her own husband in the +privacy of the Simplon tunnel. But poetry, as I've remarked +before, should always stimulate the imagination. + +By the way, when you asked me the other day to dine with you +on the 14th, I said I was dining with the Duchess. Well, I'm +not. I'm dining with you. + + + +THE INNOCENCE OF REGINALD + + + +Reginald slid a carnation of the newest shade into the +buttonhole of his latest lounge coat, and surveyed the result +with approval. "I am just in the mood," he observed, "to +have my portrait painted by someone with an unmistakable +future. So comforting to go down to posterity as 'Youth with +a Pink Carnation' in catalogue--company with 'Child with +Bunch of Primroses,' and all that crowd." + +"Youth," said the Other, "should suggest innocence." + +"But never act on the suggestion. I don't believe the two +ever really go together. People talk vaguely about the +innocence of a little child, but they take mighty good care +not to let it out of their sight for twenty minutes. The +watched pot never boils over. I knew a boy once who really +was innocent; his parents were in Society, but they never +gave him a moment's anxiety from his infancy. He believed in +company prospectuses, and in the purity of elections, and in +women marrying for love, and even in a system for winning at +roulette. He never quite lost his faith in it, but he +dropped more money than his employers could afford to lose. +When last I heard of him, he was believing in his innocence; +the jury weren't. All the same, I really am innocent just +now of something everyone accuses me of having done, and so +far as I can see, their accusations will remain unfounded." + +"Rather an unexpected attitude for you." + +"I love people who do unexpected things. Didn't you always +adore the man who slew a lion in a pit on a snowy day? But +about this unfortunate innocence. Well, quite long ago, when +I'd been quarrelling with more people than usual, you among +the number--it must have been in November, I never quarrel +with you too near Christmas--I had an idea that I'd like to +write a book. It was to be a book of personal reminiscences, +and was to leave out nothing." + +"Reginald!" + +"Exactly what the Duchess said when I mentioned it to her. I +was provoking and said nothing, and the next thing, of +course, was that everyone heard that I'd written the book and +got it in the press. After that, I might have been a gold- +fish in a glass bowl for all the privacy I got. People +attacked me about it in the most unexpected places, and +implored or commanded me to leave out things that I'd +forgotten had ever happened. I sat behind Miriam Klopstock +one night in the dress circle at His Majesty's, and she began +at once about the incident of the Chow dog in the bathroom, +which she insisted must be struck out. We had to argue it in +a disjointed fashion, because some of the people wanted to +listen to the play, and Miriam takes nines in voices. They +had to stop her playing in the 'Macaws' Hockey Club because +you could hear what she thought when her shins got mixed up +in a scrimmage for half a mile on a still day. They are +called the Macaws because of their blue-and-yellow costumes, +but I understand there was nothing yellow about Miriam's +language. I agreed to make one alteration, as I pretended I +had got it a Spitz instead of a Chow, but beyond that I was +firm. She megaphoned back two minutes later, 'You promised +you would never mention it; don't you ever keep a promise?' +When people had stopped glaring in our direction, I replied +that I'd as soon think of keeping white mice. I saw her +tearing little bits out of her programme for a minute or two, +and then she leaned back and snorted, 'You're not the boy I +took you for,' as though she were an eagle arriving at +Olympus with the wrong Ganymede. That was her last audible +remark, but she went on tearing up her programme and +scattering the pieces around her, till one of her neighbours +asked with immense dignity whether she should send for a +wastepaper basket. I didn't stay for the last act." + +"Then there is Mrs.--oh, I never can remember her name; she +lives in a street that the cabmen have never heard of, and is +at home on Wednesdays. She frightened me horribly once at a +private view by saying mysteriously, 'I oughtn't to be here, +you know; this is one of my days.' I thought she meant that +she was subject to periodical outbreaks and was expecting an +attack at any moment. So embarrassing if she had suddenly +taken it into her head that she was Cesar Borgia or St. +Elizabeth of Hungary. That sort of thing would make one +unpleasantly conspicuous even at a private view. However, +she merely meant to say that it was Wednesday, which at the +moment was incontrovertible. Well, she's on quite a +different tack to the Klopstock. She doesn't visit anywhere +very extensively, and, of course, she's awfully keen for me +to drag in an incident that occurred at one of the +Beauwhistle garden-parties, when she says she accidentally +hit the shins of a Serene Somebody or other with a croquet +mallet and that he swore at her in German. As a matter of +fact, he went on discoursing on the Gordon-Bennett affair in +French. (I never can remember if it's a new submarine or a +divorce. Of course, how stupid of me!) To be disagreeably +exact, I fancy she missed him by about two inches--over- +anxiousness, probably--but she likes to think she hit him. +I've felt that way with a partridge which I always imagine +keeps on flying strong, out of false pride, till it's the +other side of the hedge. She said she could tell me +everything she was wearing on the occasion. I said I didn't +want my book to read like a laundry list, but she explained +that she didn't mean those sort of things." + +"And there's the Chilworth boy, who can be charming as long +as he's content to be stupid and wear what he's told to; but +he gets the idea now and then that he'd like to be +epigrammatic, and the result is like watching a rook trying +to build a nest in a gale. Since he got wind of the book, +he's been persecuting me to work in something of his about +the Russians and the Yalu Peril, and is quite sulky because I +won't do it." + +"Altogether, I think it would be rather a brilliant +inspiration if you were to suggest a fortnight in Paris." + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Reginald, by Saki (H. H. Munro) + |