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Jerome + + + + +THE CHARACTERS + +Fanny +Her Husband, Vernon Wetherell, Lord Bantock +Her Butler, Martin Bennet +Her Housekeeper, Susannah Bennet +Her Maid, Jane Bennet +Her Second Footman, Ernest Bennet +Her Still-room Maid, Honoria Bennet +Her Aunts by marriage, the Misses Wetherell +Her Local Medical Man, Dr. Freemantle +Her quondam Companions, "Our Empire": + England + Scotland + Ireland + Wales + Canada + Australia + New Zealand + Africa + India + Newfoundland + Malay Archipelago + Straits Settlements +Her former Business Manager, George P. Newte + + + + +ACT I + + + +SCENE + +The Lady Bantock's boudoir, Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire, a spacious +room handsomely furnished (chiefly in the style of Louis the +Fourteenth) and lighted by three high windows, facing the south-west. +A door between the fireplace and the windows leads to his lordship's +apartments. A door the other side of the fireplace is the general +entrance. The door opposite the windows leads through her ladyship's +dressing-room into her ladyship's bedroom. Over the great fireplace +hangs a full-length portrait of Constance, first Lady Bantock, by +Hoppner. + +The time is sunset of a day in early spring. The youthful Lord +Bantock is expected home with his newly wedded wife this evening; and +the two Misses Wetherell, his aunts, have been busy decorating the +room with flowers, and are nearing the end of their labours. The two +Misses Wetherell have grown so much alike it would be difficult for a +stranger to tell one from the other; and to add to his confusion they +have fallen into the habit of dressing much alike in a fashion of +their own that went out long ago, while the hair of both is white, +and even in their voices they have caught each other's tones. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [she has paused from her work and is looking +out of the windows]. Such a lovely sunset, dear. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [she leaves her work and joins her sister. +The two stand holding each other's hands, looking out]. Beautiful! +[A silence. The sun is streaming full into the room.] You--you +don't think, dear, that this room--[she looks round it]--may possibly +be a little TOO sunny to quite suit her? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [not at first understanding]. How, dear, +TOO sun--[She grasps the meaning.] You mean--you think that perhaps +she does that sort of thing? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Well, dear, one is always given to +understand that they do, women--ladies of her profession. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It seems to me so wicked: painting God's +work. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We mustn't judge hardly, dear. Besides, +dear, we don't know yet that she does. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Perhaps she's young, and hasn't commenced +it. I fancy it's only the older ones that do it. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He didn't mention her age, I remember. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. No, dear, but I feel she's young. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I do hope she is. We may be able to +mould her. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We must be very sympathetic. One can +accomplish so much with sympathy. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We must get to understand her. [A +sudden thought.] Perhaps, dear, we may get to like her. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [doubtful]. We might TRY, dear. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. For Vernon's sake. The poor boy seems +so much in love with her. We must - + +Bennet has entered. He is the butler. + +BENNET. Doctor Freemantle. I have shown him into the library. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Thank you, Bennet. Will you please tell +him that we shall be down in a few minutes? I must just finish these +flowers. [She returns to the table.] + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Why not ask him to come up here? We could +consult him--about the room. He always knows everything. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. A good idea. Please ask him, Bennet, if +he would mind coming up to us here. [Bennet, who has been piling up +fresh logs upon the fire, turns to go.] Oh, Bennet! You will remind +Charles to put a footwarmer in the carriage! + +BENNET. I will see to it myself. [He goes out.] + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Thank you, Bennet. [To her sister] +One's feet are always so cold after a railway journey. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I've been told that, nowadays, they heat +the carriages. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Ah, it is an age of luxury! I wish I +knew which were her favourite flowers. It is so nice to be greeted +by one's favourite flowers. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I feel sure she loves lilies. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And they are so appropriate to a bride. +So - + +Announced by Bennet, Dr. Freemantle bustles in. He is a dapper +little man, clean-shaven, with quick brisk ways. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he shakes hands]. Well, and how are we this +afternoon? [He feels the pulse of the Younger Miss Wetherell] +Steadier. Much steadier! [of the Elder Miss Wetherell.] Nervous +tension greatly relieved. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She has been sleeping much better. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he pats the hand of the Elder Miss Wetherell]. +Excellent! Excellent! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She ate a good breakfast this morning. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he pats the hand of the Younger Miss Wetherell]. +Couldn't have a better sign. [He smiles from one to the other.] +Brain disturbance, caused by futile opposition to the inevitable, +evidently abating. One page Marcus Aurelius every morning before +breakfast. "Adapt thyself," says Marcus Aurelius, "to the things +with which thy lot has been cast. Whatever happens--" + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You see, doctor, it was all so sudden. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. The unexpected! It has a way of taking us by +surprise--bowling us over--completely. Till we pull ourselves +together. Make the best of what can't be helped--like brave, sweet +gentlewomen. [He presses their hands. They are both wiping away a +tear.] When do you expect them? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. To-night, by the half-past eight train. +We had a telegram this morning from Dover. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Um! and this is to be her room? [He takes it in.] +The noble and renowned Constance, friend and confidant of the elder +Pitt, maker of history, first Lady Bantock--by Hoppner--always there +to keep an eye on her, remind her of the family traditions. +Brilliant idea, brilliant! [They are both smiling with pleasure.] + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And you don't think--it is what we wanted +to ask you--that there is any fear of her finding it a little trying- +-the light? You see, this is an exceptionally sunny room. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And these actresses--if all one hears is +true - + +The dying sun is throwing his last beams across the room. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Which, thank God, it isn't. [He seats himself in a +large easy-chair. The two ladies sit side by side on a settee.] +I'll tell you just exactly what you've got to expect. A lady--a few +years older than the boy himself, but still young. Exquisite figure; +dressed--perhaps a trifle too regardless of expense. Hair--maybe +just a shade TOO golden. All that can be altered. Features-- +piquant, with expressive eyes, the use of which she probably +understands, and an almost permanent smile, displaying an admirably +preserved and remarkably even set of teeth. But, above all, clever. +That's our sheet-anchor. The woman's clever. She will know how to +adapt herself to her new position. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [turning to her sister]. Yes, she must be +clever to have obtained the position that she has. [To the Doctor] +Vernon says that she was quite the chief attraction all this winter, +in Paris. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And the French public is so critical. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [drily]. Um! I was thinking rather of her cleverness +in "landing" poor Vernon. The lad's not a fool. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We must do her justice. I think she was +really in love with him. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [still more drily]. Very possibly. Most cafe- +chantant singers, I take it, would be--with an English lord. [He +laughs.] + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You see, she didn't know he was a lord. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Didn't know--? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No. She married him, thinking him to be +a plain Mr. Wetherell, an artist. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Where d'ye get all that from? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. From Vernon himself. You've got his last +letter, dear. [She has opened her chatelaine bag.] Oh, no, I've got +it myself. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He's not going to break it to her till +they reach here this evening. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [she reads]. Yes. "I shall not break it to +her before we reach home. We were married quietly at the Hotel de +Ville, and she has no idea I am anything else than plain Vernon James +Wetherell, a fellow-countryman of her own, and a fellow-artist. The +dear creature has never even inquired whether I am rich or poor." I +like her for that. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. You mean to tell me--[He jumps up. With his hands +in his jacket pockets, he walks to and fro.] I suppose it's +possible. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You see, she isn't the ordinary class of +music-hall singer. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. I should say not. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She comes of quite a good family. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Her uncle was a bishop. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Bishop? Of where? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [with the letter]. He says he can't spell +it. It's somewhere in New Zealand. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Do they have bishops over there? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Well, evidently. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Then her cousin is a judge. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. In New Zealand? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [again referring to the letter]. No--in +Ohio. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Seems to have been a somewhat scattered family. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. People go about so much nowadays. + +Mrs. Bennet has entered. She is the housekeeper. + +MRS. BENNET [she is about to speak to the Misses Wetherell; sees the +Doctor]. Good afternoon, doctor. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Afternoon, Mrs. Bennet. + +MRS. BENNET [she turns to the Misses Wetherell, her watch in her +hand]. I was thinking of having the fire lighted in her ladyship's +bedroom. It is half past six. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You are always so thoughtful. She may be +tired. + +MRS. BENNET. If so, everything will be quite ready. [She goes out, +closing door.] + +DR. FREEMANTLE. What do they think about it all--the Bennets? You +have told them? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We thought it better. You see, one +hardly regards them as servants. They have been in the family so +long. Three generations of them. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Really, since our poor dear brother's +death, Bennet has been more like the head of the house than the +butler. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Of course, he doesn't say much. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is her having been on the stage that +they feel so. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You see, they have always been a +religious family. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Do you know, I really think they feel it +more than we do. I found Peggy crying about it yesterday, in the +scullery. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he has been listening with a touch of amusement.] +Peggy Bennet? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Yes. CHARLES Bennet's daughter. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Happen to have a servant about the place who isn't a +Bennet? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No, no, I don't really think we have. +Oh, yes--that new girl Mrs. Bennet engaged last week for the dairy. +What is her name? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Arnold. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Ah, yes, Arnold. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I think she's a cousin, dear. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Only a second cousin. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Um! Well I should tell the whole family to buck up. +Seems to me, from what you tell me, that their master is bringing +them home a treasure. [He shakes hands briskly with the ladies.] +May look in again to-morrow. Don't forget--one page Marcus Aurelius +before breakfast--in case of need. [He goes out.] + +The sun has sunk. The light is twilight. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He always cheers one up. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He's so alive. + +[Mrs. Bennet comes in from the dressing-room. She leaves the door +ajar. The sound of a hammer is heard. It ceases almost +immediately.] Oh, Mrs. Bennet, we were going to ask you--who is to +be her ladyship's maid? Have you decided yet? + +MRS. BENNET. I have come to the conclusion--looking at the thing +from every point of view--that Jane would be the best selection. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Jane! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. But does she understand the duties? + +MRS. BENNET. A lady's maid, being so much alone with her mistress, +is bound to have a certain amount of influence. And Jane has +exceptionally high principles. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. That is true, dear. + +MRS. BENNET. As regards the duties, she is very quick at learning +anything new. Of course, at first - + +The sound of hammering again comes from the bedroom. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Who is that hammering in her ladyship's +bedroom? + +MRS. BENNET. It is Bennet, Miss Edith. We thought it might be +helpful: a few texts, hung where they would always catch her +ladyship's eye. [She notices the look of doubt.] Nothing offensive. +Mere general exhortations such as could be read by any lady. [The +Misses Wetherell look at one another, but do not speak.] I take it, +dinner will be at half past seven, as usual? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Yes, Mrs. Bennet, thank you. They will +not be here till about nine. They will probably prefer a little +supper to themselves. + +Mrs. Bennet goes out--on her way to the kitchen. The Misses +Wetherell look at one another again. The hammering recommences. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [she hesitates a moment, then goes to the +open door and calls]. Bennet--Bennet! [She returns and waits. +Bennet comes in.] + +Oh, Bennet, your wife tells us you are putting up a few texts in her +ladyship's bedroom. + +BENNET. It seemed to me that a silent voice, speaking to her, as it +were, from the wall - + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It is so good of you--only, you--you +will be careful there is nothing she could regard as a PERSONAL +allusion. + +BENNET. Many of the most popular I was compelled to reject, purely +for that reason. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We felt sure we could trust to your +discretion. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You see, coming, as she does, from a +good family - + +BENNET. It is that--I speak merely for myself--that gives me hope of +reclaiming her. + +A silence. The two ladies, feeling a little helpless, again look at +one another. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We must be very sympathetic. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And patient, Bennet. + +BENNET. It is what I am preparing myself to be. Of course, if you +think them inadvisable, I can take them down again. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No, Bennet, oh no! I should leave them +up. Very thoughtful of you, indeed. + +BENNET. It seemed to me one ought to leave no stone unturned. [He +returns to his labours in the bedroom.] + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [after a pause]. I do hope she'll LIKE +the Bennets. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I think she will--after a time, when she +is used to them. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I am so anxious it should turn out well. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I feel sure she's a good woman. Vernon +would never have fallen in love with her if she hadn't been good. +[They take each other's hand, and sit side by side, as before, upon +the settee. The twilight has faded: only the faint firelight +remains, surrounded by shadows.] Do you remember, when he was a +little mite, how he loved to play with your hair? [The younger Miss +Wetherell laughs.] I always envied you your hair. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He was so fond of us both. Do you +remember when he was recovering from the measles, his crying for us +to bath him instead of Mrs. Bennet? I have always reproached myself +that we refused. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He was such a big boy for his age. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I think we might have stretched a point +in a case of illness. + +The room has grown very dark. The door has been softly opened; +Vernon and Fanny have entered noiselessly. Fanny remains near the +door hidden by a screen, Vernon has crept forward. At this point the +two ladies become aware that somebody is in the room. They are +alarmed. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Who's there? + +VERNON. It's all right, aunt. It's only I. + +The two ladies have risen. They run forward, both take him in their +arms. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. My dear boy! + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But we didn't expect you - + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And your wife, dear? + +VERNON. She's here! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Here? + +Fanny, from behind the screen, laughs. + +VERNON. We'll have some light. [He whispers to them.] Not a word-- +haven't told her yet. [Feeling his way to the wall, he turns on the +electric light.] + +Fanny is revealed, having slipped out from behind the screen. There +is a pause. Vernon, standing near the fire, watches admiringly. + +FANNY. Hope you are going to like me. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. My dear, I am sure we shall. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is so easy to love the young and +pretty. [They have drawn close to her. They seem to hesitate.] + +FANNY [laughs]. It doesn't come off, does it, Vernon, dear? [Vernon +laughs. The two ladies, laughing, kiss her.] I'm so glad you think +I'm pretty. As a matter of fact, I'm not. There's a certain charm +about me, I admit. It deceives people. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We were afraid--you know, dear, boys-- +[she looks at Vernon and smiles] sometimes fall in love with women +much older than themselves--especially women--[She grows confused. +She takes the girl's hand.] We are so relieved that you--that you +are yourself, dear, + +FANNY. You were quite right, dear. They are sweet. Which is which? + +VERNON [laughs]. Upon my word, I never can tell. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon! And you know I was always your +favourite! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Dear! + +VERNON. Then this is Aunt Alice. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No dear, Edith. + +[Vernon throws up his hands in despair. They all laugh.] + +FANNY. I think I shall dress you differently; put you in blue and +you in pink. [She laughs.] Is this the drawing-room? + +VERNON. Your room, dear. + +FANNY. I like a room where one can stretch one's legs. [She walks +across it.] A little too much desk [referring to a massive brass- +bound desk, facing the three windows]. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It belonged to the elder Pitt. + +FANNY. Um! Suppose we must find a corner for it somewhere. That's +a good picture. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It is by Hoppner. + +FANNY. One of your artist friends? + +VERNON. Well--you see, dear, that's a portrait of my great- +grandmother, painted from life. + +FANNY [she whistles]. I am awfully ignorant on some topics. One +good thing, I always was a quick study. Not a bad-looking woman. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We are very proud of her. She was the +first - + +VERNON [hastily]. We will have her history some other time. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [who understands, signs to her sister]. +Of course. She's tired. We are forgetting everything. You will +have some tea, won't you, dear? + +FANNY. No, thanks. We had tea in the train. [With the more or less +helpful assistance of Vernon she divests herself of her outdoor +garments.] + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [she holds up her hands in astonishment]. +Tea in the train! + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We were not expecting you so soon. You +said in your telegram - + +VERNON. Oh, it was raining in London. We thought we would come +straight on--leave our shopping for another day. + +FANNY. I believe you were glad it was raining. Saved you such a lot +of money. Old Stingy! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Then did you walk from the station, dear? + +FANNY. Didn't it seem a long way? [She laughs up into his face.] +He was so bored. [Vernon laughs.] + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I had better tell--[She is going towards +the bell.] + +VERNON [he stops her]. Oh, let them alone. Plenty of time for all +that fuss. [He puts them both gently side by side on the settee.] +Sit down and talk. Haven't I been clever? [He puts his arm round +Fanny, laughing.] You thought I had made an ass of myself, didn't +you? Did you get all my letters? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I think so, dear. + +FANNY [she is sitting in an easy-chair. Vernon seats himself on the +arm]. Do you know I've never had a love-letter from you? + +VERNON. You gave me no time. She met me a month ago, and married me +last week. + +FANNY. It was quick work. He came--he saw--I conquered! [Laughs.] + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. They say that love at first sight is often +the most lasting. + +VERNON [he puts his arm around her]. You are sure you will never +regret having given up the stage? The excitement, the - + +FANNY. The excitement! Do you know what an actress's life always +seemed to me like? Dancing on a tight-rope with everybody throwing +stones at you. One soon gets tired of that sort of excitement. Oh, +I was never in love with the stage. Had to do something for a +living. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It must be a hard life for a woman. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Especially for anyone not brought up to +it. + +FANNY. You see, I had a good voice and what I suppose you might call +a natural talent for acting. It seemed the easiest thing. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I suppose your family were very much +opposed to it? [Vernon rises. He stands with his back to the fire.] + +FANNY. My family? Hadn't any! + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. No family? + +Bennet enters. Vernon and Fanny left the door open. He halts, +framed by the doorway. + +FANNY. No. You see, I was an only child. My father and mother both +died before I was fourteen. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But your uncle? + +FANNY. Oh, him! It was to get away from him and all that crew that +I went on the stage. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is so sad when relations don't get on +together. + +FANNY. Sadder still when they think they've got a right to trample +on you, just because you happen to be an orphan and--I don't want to +talk about my relations. I want to forget them. I stood them for +nearly six months. I don't want to be reminded of them. I want to +forget that they ever existed. I want to forget - + +Bennet has come down very quietly. Fanny, from where he stands, is +the only one who sees him. He stands looking at her, his features, +as ever, immovable. At sight of him her eyes and mouth open wider +and wider. The words die away from her tongue. Vernon has turned +away to put a log on the fire, and so has not seen her expression-- +only hears her sudden silence. He looks up and sees Bennet. + +VERNON. Ah, Bennet! [He advances, holding out his hand.] You quite +well? + +BENNET [shaking hands with him]. Quite well. + +VERNON. Good! And all the family? + +BENNET. Nothing to complain of. Charles has had a touch of +influenza. + +VERNON. Ah, sorry to hear that. + +BENNET. And your lordship? + +VERNON. Fit as a fiddle--your new mistress. + +Fanny has risen. Bennet turns to her. For a moment his back is +towards the other three. Fanny alone sees his face. + +BENNET. We shall endeavour to do our duty to her ladyship. [He +turns to Vernon.] I had arranged for a more fitting reception - + +VERNON. To tell the honest truth, Bennet, the very thing we were +afraid of--why we walked from the station, and slipped in by the side +door. [Laughing.] Has the luggage come? + +BENNET. It has just arrived. It was about that I came to ask. I +could not understand - + +The Misses Wetherell have also risen. Fanny's speechless amazement +is attributed by them and Vernon to natural astonishment at discovery +of his rank. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You will be wanting a quiet talk +together. We shall see you at dinner. + +VERNON. What time is dinner? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Half past seven. + +[To Fanny] But don't you hurry, dear. I will tell cook to delay it +a little. [She kisses her.] + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You will want some time to arrange that +pretty hair of yours. [She also kisses the passive, speechless +Fanny. They go out hand in hand.] + +BENNET. I will see, while I am here, that your lordship's room is in +order. + +VERNON. Why, where's Robert, then? + +BENNET. He has gone into town to do some shopping. We did not +expect your lordship much before nine. There may be one or two +things to see to. [He goes into his lordship's apartments, closing +the door behind him.] + +FANNY. Vernon, where am I? + +VERNON. At home, dear. + +FANNY. Yes, but where? + +VERNON. At Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire. [Fanny sits down on the +settee--drops down rather.] You're not angry with me? You know how +the world always talks in these cases. I wanted to be able to prove +to them all that you married me for myself. Not because I was Lord +Bantock. Can you forgive me? + +FANNY [she still seems in a dream]. Yes--of course. You didn't--you +wouldn't--[She suddenly springs up.] Vernon, you do love me? [She +flings her arms round his neck.] + +VERNON. Dear! + +FANNY. You will never be ashamed of me? + +VERNON. Dearest! + +FANNY. I was only a music-hall singer. There's no getting over it, +you know. + +VERNON. I should have loved you had you been a beggar-maid. + +FANNY [she still clings to him]. With an uncle a costermonger, and +an aunt who sold matches. It wouldn't have made any difference to +you, would it? You didn't marry me for my family, did you? You +didn't, did you? + +VERNON. Darling! I married you because you are the most +fascinating, the most lovable, the most wonderful little woman in the +world. [Fanny gives a sob.] As for your family--I've got a +confession to make to you, dear. I made inquiries about your family +before I proposed to you. Not for my own sake--because I knew I'd +have to answer a lot of stupid questions. It seemed to me quite a +good family. + +FANNY. It is! Oh, it is! There never was such a respectable +family. That's why I never could get on with them. + +VERNON [laughing]. Well, you haven't got to--any more. We needn't +even let them know - + +Bennet returns. + +BENNET. Robert I find has returned. It is ten minutes to seven. + +VERNON. Thanks. Well, I shall be glad of a bath. [He turns to +Fanny.] Bennet will send your maid to you. [He whispers to her.] +You'll soon get used to it all. As for the confounded family--we +will forget all about them. [Fanny answers with another little +stifled sob. Bennet is drawing the curtains, his back to the room. +Vernon, seeing that Bennet is occupied, kisses the unresponsive Fanny +and goes out.] + +At the sound of the closing of the door, Fanny looks up. She goes to +the door through which Vernon has just passed, listens a moment, then +returns. Bennet calmly finishes the drawing of the curtains. Then +he, too, crosses slowly till he and Fanny are facing one another +across the centre of the room. + +FANNY. Well, what are you going to do? + +BENNET. My duty! + +FANNY. What's that? Something unpleasant, I know. I can bet my +bottom dollar. + +BENNET. That, my girl, will depend upon you. + +FANNY. How upon me? + +BENNET. Whether you prove an easy or a difficult subject. To fit +you for your position, a certain amount of training will, I fancy, be +necessary. + +FANNY. Training! I'm to be--[She draws herself up.] Are you aware +who I am? + +BENNET. Oh yes. AND who you were. His lordship, I take it, would +hardly relish the discovery that he had married his butler's niece. +He might consider the situation awkward. + +FANNY. And who's going to train me? + +BENNET. I am. With the assistance of your aunt and such other +members of your family as I consider can be trusted. + +FANNY [for a moment she is speechless, then she bursts out]. That +ends it! I shall tell him! I shall tell him this very moment. [She +sweeps towards the door.] + +BENNET. At this moment you will most likely find his lordship in his +bath. + +FANNY. I don't care! Do you think--do you think for a moment that +I'm going to allow myself--I, Lady Bantock, to be--[Her hand upon the +door.] I shall tell him, and you'll only have yourself to blame. He +loves me. He loves me for myself. I shall tell him the whole truth, +and ask him to give you all the sack. + +BENNET. You're not forgetting that you've already told him ONCE who +you were? + +[It stops her. What she really did was to leave the marriage +arrangements in the hands of her business manager, George P. Newte. +As agent for a music-hall star, he is ideal, but it is possible that +in answering Lord Bantock's inquiries concerning Fanny's antecedents +he may not have kept strictly to the truth.] + +FANNY. I never did. I've never told him anything about my family. + +BENNET. Curious. I was given to understand it was rather a classy +affair. + +FANNY. I can't help what other people may have done. Because some +silly idiot of a man may possibly--[She will try a new tack. She +leaves the door and comes to him.] Uncle, dear, wouldn't it be +simpler for you all to go away? He's awfully fond of me. He'll do +anything I ask him. I could merely say that I didn't like you and +get him to pension you off. You and aunt could have a little +roadside inn somewhere--with ivy. + +BENNET. Seeing that together with the stables and the garden there +are twenty-three of us - + +FANNY. No, of course, he couldn't pension you all. You couldn't +expect - + +BENNET. I think his lordship might prefer to leave things as they +are. Good servants nowadays are not so easily replaced. And neither +your aunt nor I are at an age when change appeals to one. + +FANNY. You see, it's almost bound to creep out sooner or later, and +then - + +BENNET. We will make it as late as possible [He crosses and rings +the bell], giving you time to prove to his lordship that you are not +incapable of learning. + +FANNY [she drops back on the settee. She is half-crying.] Some +people would be pleased that their niece had married well. + +BENNET. I am old-fashioned enough to think also of my duty to those +I serve. If his lordship has done me the honour to marry my niece, +the least I can is to see to it that she brings no discredit to his +name. [Mrs. Bennet, followed by Jane Bennet, a severe-looking woman +of middle age, has entered upon the words "the least I can do." +Bennet stays them a moment with his hand while he finishes. Then he +turns to his wife.] You will be interested to find, Susannah, that +the new Lady Bantock is not a stranger. + +MRS. BENNET. Not a stranger! [She has reached a position from where +she sees the girl.] Fanny! You wicked girl! Where have you been +all these years? + +BENNET [interposing]. There will be other opportunities for the +discussion of family differences. Just now, her ladyship is waiting +to dress for dinner. + +MRS. BENNET [sneering]. Her ladyship! + +JANE [also sneering]. I think she might have forewarned us of the +honour in store for us. + +MRS. BENNET. Yes, why didn't she write? + +FANNY. Because I didn't know. Do you think--[she rises]--that if I +had I would ever have married him--to be brought back here and put in +this ridiculous position? Do you think that I am so fond of you all +that I couldn't keep away from you, at any price? + +MRS. BENNET. But you must have known that Lord Bantock - + +FANNY. I didn't know he was Lord Bantock. I only knew him as Mr. +Wetherell, an artist. He wanted to feel sure that I was marrying him +for himself alone. He never told me--[Ernest Bennet, a very young +footman, has entered in answer to Bennet's ring of a minute ago. He +has come forward step by step, staring all the while open-mouthed at +Fanny. Turning, she sees him beside her.] Hulloa, Ernie. How are +the rabbits? [She kisses him.] + +BENNET. Don't stand there gaping. I rang for some wood. Tell your +brother dinner will be at a quarter to eight. + +Ernest, never speaking, still staring at Fanny, gets clumsily out +again. + +FANNY. Well, I suppose I'd better see about dressing? Do I dine +with his lordship or in the servants' hall? + +MRS. BENNET [turns to her husband]. You see! Still the old +impertinence. + +FANNY. Only wanted to know. My only desire is to give satisfaction. + +BENNET [he moves towards the door]. You will do it by treating the +matter more seriously. At dinner, by keeping your eye upon me, you +will be able to tell whether you are behaving yourself or not. + +MRS. BENNET. And mind you are punctual. I have appointed Jane to be +your maid. + +FANNY. Jane! + +MRS. BENNET [in arms]. Have you any objections? + +FANNY. No, oh no, so long as you're all satisfied. + +MRS. BENNET. Remember, you are no longer on the music-hall stage. +In dressing for Bantock Hall you will do well to follow her advice. + +Bennet, who has been waiting with the door in his hand, goes out; +Mrs. Bennet follows. + +JANE [in the tones of a patient executioner]. Are you ready? + +FANNY. Quite ready, dear. Of course--I don't know what you will +think of them--but I've only brought modern costumes with me. + +JANE [not a lady who understands satire]. We must do the best we +can. [She marches out--into the dressing-room.] + +Fanny, after following a few steps, stops and thinks. Ernest has +entered with the wood. He is piling it in the basket by the fire. +His entrance decides her. She glances through the open door of the +dressing-room, then flies across to the desk, seats herself, and +begins feverishly to write a telegram. + +FANNY. Ernie! [He comes across to her.] Have you still got your +bicycle? + +ERNEST. Yes. + +FANNY. Could you get this telegram off for me before eight o'clock? +I don't want it sent from the village; I want you to take it +YOURSELF--into the town. There's a sovereign for you if you do it +all right. + +ERNEST. I'll do it. Can only get into a row. + +FANNY. Pretty used to them, ain't you? [She has risen. She gives +him the telegram. She has stamped it.] Can you read it? + +ERNEST. "George P. Newte." + +FANNY. Hush! + +They both glance at the open door. + +ERNEST [he continues in a lower voice]. "72A, Waterloo Bridge Road, +London. Must see you at once. Am at the new shop." [He looks up.] + +FANNY. That's all right. + +ERNEST. "Come down. Q.T. Fanny." + +FANNY [nods]. Get off quietly. I'll see you again - + +THE VOICE OF JANE [from the dressing-room]. Are you going to keep me +waiting all night? + +[They start. Ernest hastily thrusts the telegram into his breast- +pocket.] + +FANNY. Coming, dear, coming. [To Ernest] Not a word to anyone! +[She hurries him out and closes door behind him.] Merely been +putting the room a bit tidy. [She is flying round collecting her +outdoor garments.] Thought it would please you. So sorry if I've +kept you waiting. [Jane has appeared at door.] After you, dear. + +Jane goes out again. Fanny, with her pile of luggage, follows. + +[CURTAIN] + + + +ACT II + + + +SCENE + +The same. + +Time.--The next morning. + +The door opens. Dr. Freemantle enters, shown in by Bennet, who +follows him. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [talking as he enters]. Wonderful! Wonderful! I +don't really think I ever remember so fine a spring. + +BENNET [he is making up the fire]. I'm afraid we shall have to pay +for it later on. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. I expect so. Law of the universe, you know, Bennet- +-law of the universe. Everything in this world has got to be paid +for. + +BENNET. Except trouble. [The doctor laughs.] The Times? [He hands +it to him.] + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Thanks. Thanks. [Seats himself.] Won't be long-- +his lordship, will he? + +BENNET. I don't think so. I told him you would be here about +eleven. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Um--what do you think of her? + +BENNET. Of--of her ladyship? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. What's she like? + +BENNET. [They have sunk their voices.] Well, it might have been +worse. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah! There's always that consolation, isn't there? + +BENNET. I think her ladyship--with MANAGEMENT--may turn out very +satisfactory. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. You like her? + +BENNET. At present, I must say for her, she appears willing to be +taught. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. And you think it will last? + +BENNET. I think her ladyship appreciates the peculiarity of her +position. I will tell the Miss Wetherells you are here. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah, thanks! + +BENNET. I fancy her ladyship will not herself be visible much before +lunch time. I understand she woke this morning with a headache. [He +goes out.] + +The Doctor reads a moment. Then the door of the dressing-room opens, +and Fanny enters. Her dress is a wonderful contrast to her costume +of last evening. It might be that of a poor and demure nursery +governess. Her hair is dressed in keeping. She hardly seems the +same woman. + +FANNY [seeing the Doctor, she pauses]. Oh! + +DR. FREEMANTLE [rises]. I beg pardon, have I the pleasure of seeing +Lady Bantock? + +FANNY. Yes. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Delighted. May I introduce myself--Dr. Freemantle? +I helped your husband into the world. + +FANNY. Yes. I've heard of you. You don't mind my closing this +door, do you? [Her very voice and manner are changed.] + +DR. FREEMANTLE [a little puzzled]. Not at all. + +FANNY [she closes the door and returns]. Won't--won't you be seated? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Thanks. [They both sit.] How's the headache? + +FANNY. Oh, it's better. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah! [A silence.] Forgive me--I'm an old friend of +the family. You're not a bit what I expected. + +FANNY. But you like it? I mean you think this--[with a gesture]--is +all right? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. My dear young lady, it's charming. You couldn't be +anything else. + +FANNY. Thank you. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. I merely meant that--well, I was not expecting +anything so delightfully demure. + +FANNY. That's the idea--"seemly." The Lady Bantocks have always +been "seemly"? [She puts it as a question.] + +DR. FREEMANTLE [more and more puzzled]. Yes--oh, yes. They have +always been--[His eye catches that of Constance, first Lady Bantock, +looking down at him from above the chimney-piece. His tone changes.] +Well, yes, in their way, you know. + +FANNY. You see, I'm in the difficult position of following her LATE +ladyship. SHE appears to have been exceptionally "seemly." This is +her frock. I mean it WAS her frock. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. God bless my soul! You are not dressing yourself up +in her late ladyship's clothes? The dear good woman has been dead +and buried these twenty years. + +FANNY [she looks at her dress]. Yes, it struck me as being about +that period. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he goes across to her]. What's the trouble? Too +much Bennet? + +FANNY [she looks up. There is a suspicion of a smile]. One might +say--sufficient? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. Excellent servants. If they'd only +remember it. [He glances round--sinks his voice.] Take my advice. +Put your foot down--before it's too late. + +FANNY. Sit down, please. [She makes room for him on the settee.] +Because I'm going to be confidential. You don't mind, do you? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [seating himself]. My dear, I take it as the greatest +compliment I have had paid to me for years. + +FANNY. You put everything so nicely. I'm two persons. I'm an +angel--perhaps that is too strong a word? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [doubtfully]. Well - + +FANNY. We'll say saint. Or else I'm--the other thing. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Do you know, I think you could be. + +FANNY. It's not a question about which there is any doubt. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Of course, in this case, a LITTLE bit of the devil - + +FANNY [she shakes her head]. There's such a lot of mine. It has +always hampered me, never being able to hit the happy medium. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. It IS awkward. + +FANNY. I thought I would go on being an angel - + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Saint. + +FANNY. Saint--till--well, till it became physically impossible to be +a saint any longer. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. And then? + +FANNY [she rises, turns to him with a gesture of half-comic, half- +tragic despair]. Well, then I can't help it, can I? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. I think you're making a mistake. An explosion will +undoubtedly have to take place. That being so, the sooner it takes +place the better. [He rises.] What are you afraid of? + +FANNY [she changes her tone--the talk becomes serious]. You've known +Vernon all his life? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. No one better. + +FANNY. Tell me. I've known him only as a lover. What sort of a man +is he? + +A pause. They are looking straight into each other's eyes. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. A man it pays to be perfectly frank with. + +FANNY. It's a very old family, isn't it? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Old! Good Lord no! First Lord Bantock was only +Vernon's great-grandfather. That is the woman that did it all. [He +is looking at the Hoppner.] + +FANNY. How do you mean? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Got them their title. Made the name of Bantock of +importance in the history of the Georges. Clever woman. + +FANNY [leaning over a chair, she is staring into the eyes of the +first Lady Bantock]. I wonder what she would have done if she had +ever got herself into a really first-class muddle? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. One thing's certain. [Fanny turns to him.] She'd +have got out of it. + +FANNY [addresses the portrait]. I do wish you could talk. + +Vernon bursts into the room. He has been riding. He throws aside +his hat and stick. + +VERNON. Hulloa! This is good of you. [He shakes hands with the +Doctor.] How are you? [Without waiting for any reply, he goes to +Fanny, kisses her.] Good morning, dear. How have you been getting +on together, you two? Has she been talking to you? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Oh, yes. + +VERNON. Doesn't she talk well? I say, what have you been doing to +yourself? + +FANNY. Jane thought this style--[with a gesture]--more appropriate +to Lady Bantock. + +VERNON. Um! Wonder if she's right? [To the Doctor] What do you +think? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. I think it a question solely for Lady Bantock. + +VERNON. Of course it is. [To Fanny] You know, you mustn't let them +dictate to you. Dear, good, faithful souls, all of them. But they +must understand that you are mistress. + +FANNY [she seizes eagerly at the chance]. You might mention it to +them, dear. It would come so much better from you. + +VERNON. No, you. They will take more notice of you. + +FANNY. I'd so much rather you did it. [To Dr. Freemantle] Don't +you think it would come better from him? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. I'm afraid you'll have to do it yourself. + +VERNON. You see, dear, it might hurt them, coming from me. It would +seem like ingratitude. Mrs. Bennet--Why, it wasn't till I began to +ask questions that I grasped the fact that she WASN'T my real mother. +As for old Bennet, ever since my father died--well, I hardly know how +I could have got on without him. It was Charles Bennet that taught +me to ride; I learned my letters sitting on Jane's lap. + +FANNY. Yes. Perhaps I had better do it myself. + +VERNON. I'm sure it will be more effective. Of course I shall +support you. + +FANNY. Thank you. Oh, by the by, dear, I shan't be able to go with +you to-day. + +VERNON. Why not? + +FANNY. I've rather a headache. + +VERNON. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, all right, we'll stop at home. I'm +not so very keen about it. + +FANNY. No, I want you to go, dear. Your aunts are looking forward +to it. I shall get over it all the sooner with everybody out of the +way. + +VERNON. Well, if you really wish it. + +The Misses Wetherell steal in. They are dressed for driving. They +exchange greetings with the Doctor. + +FANNY. You know you promised to obey. [Tickles his nose with a +flower.] + +VERNON [laughing--to the Doctor]. You see what it is to be married? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. Very trying. + +VERNON [turning to his aunts]. Fanny isn't coming with us. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [to Fanny]. Oh, my dear! + +FANNY. It's only a headache. [She takes her aside.] I'm rather +glad of it. I want an excuse for a little time to myself. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I understand, dear. It's all been so +sudden. [She kisses her--then to the room] She'll be all the better +alone. We three will go on. [She nods and signs to her sister.] + +FANNY [kissing the Elder Miss Wetherell]. Don't you get betting. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Oh no, dear, we never do. It's just to +see the dear horses. [She joins her sister. They whisper.] + +VERNON [to the Doctor to whom he has been talking]. Can we give you +a lift? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, you might as far as the Vicarage. Good-bye, +Lady Bantock. + +FANNY [shaking hands]. Good-bye, Doctor. + +VERNON. Sure you won't be lonely? + +FANNY [laughs]. Think I can't exist an hour without you? Mr. +Conceited! + +VERNON [laughs and kisses her]. Come along. [He takes the Doctor +and his younger Aunt towards the door.] + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [who is following last]. I like you in that +frock. + +FANNY [laughs]. So glad. It's Ernest who attends to the fires, +isn't it? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Yes, dear. + +FANNY. I wish you'd send him up. [At door--calls after them] Hope +you'll all enjoy yourselves! + +VERNON [from the distance]. I shall put you on a fiver. + +FANNY. Mind it wins. [She listens a moment--closes door, comes back +to desk, and takes a Bradshaw.] Five-six-three--five-six-three. +[Finds page.] St. Pancras, eight o'clock. Oh, Lord! Stamford, +10.45. Leave Stamford--[Ernest has entered.] Is that you, Ernest? + +ERNEST. Yes. + +FANNY. Shut the door. Sure it went off last night, that telegram? + +ERNEST. Yes. + +FANNY. If he doesn't catch that eight o'clock, he can't get here +till nearly four. That will be awkward. [To Ernest] What time is +it now? + +ERNEST [looks at clock]. Twenty past eleven. + +FANNY. If he does, he'll be here about twelve--I believe I'll go and +meet him. Could I get out without being seen? + +ERNEST. You'll have to pass the lodge. + +FANNY. Who's at the lodge now? + +ERNEST. Mother. + +FANNY. Damn! + +Bennet has entered unnoticed and drawn near. At this point from +behind, he boxes Ernest's ears. + +ERNEST. Here, steady! + +BENNET. On the occasions when your cousin forgets her position, you +will remember it and remind her of it. Get out! [Ernest, clumsily +as ever, "gets out."] A sort of person has called who, according to +his own account, "happened to be passing this way," and would like to +see you. + +FANNY [who has been trying to hide the Bradshaw--with affected +surprise.] To see me! + +BENNET [drily]. Yes. I thought you would be surprised. He claims +to be an old friend of yours--Mr. George Newte. + +FANNY [still keeping it up]. George Newte! Of course--ah, yes. Do +you mind showing him up? + +BENNET. I thought I would let you know he had arrived, in case you +might be getting anxious about him. I propose giving him a glass of +beer and sending him away again. + +FANNY [flares up]. Look here, uncle, you and I have got to +understand one another. I may put up with being bullied myself--if I +can't see any help for it--but I'm not going to stand my friends +being insulted. You show Mr. Newte up here. + +A silence. + +BENNET. I shall deem it my duty to inform his lordship of Mr. +Newte's visit. + +FANNY. There will be no need to. Mr. Newte, if his arrangements +permit, will be staying to dinner. + +BENNET. That, we shall see about. [He goes out.] + +FANNY [following him to door]. And tell them I shall want the best +bedroom got ready in case Mr. Newte is able to stay the night. I've +done it. [She goes to piano, dashes into the "Merry Widow Waltz," or +some other equally inappropriate but well-known melody, and then +there enters Newte, shown in by Bennet. Newte is a cheerful person, +attractively dressed in clothes suggestive of a successful bookmaker. +He carries a white pot hat and tasselled cane. His gloves are large +and bright. He is smoking an enormous cigar.] + +BENNET. Mr. Newte. + +FANNY [she springs up and greets him. They are evidently good +friends] . Hulloa, George! + +NEWTE. Hulloa, Fan--I beg your pardon, Lady Bantock. [Laughs.] Was +just passing this way - + +FANNY [cutting him short]. Yes. So nice of you to call. + +NEWTE. I said to myself--[His eye catches Bennet; he stops.] Ah, +thanks. [He gives Bennet his hat and stick, but Bennet does not seem +satisfied. He has taken from the table a small china tray. This he +is holding out to Newte, evidently for Newte to put something in it. +But what? Newte is puzzled, he glances at Fanny. The idea strikes +him that perhaps it is a tip Bennet is waiting for. It seems odd, +but if it be the custom--he puts his hand to his trousers pocket.] + +BENNET. The smoking-room is on the ground-floor. + +NEWTE. Ah, my cigar. I beg your pardon. I couldn't understand. +[He puts it on the tray--breaks into a laugh.] + +BENNET. Thank you. Her ladyship is suffering from a headache. If I +might suggest--a little less boisterousness. [He goes out.] + +NEWTE [he watches him out]. I say, your Lord Chamberlain's a bit of +a freezer! + +FANNY. Yes. Wants hanging out in the sun. How did you manage to +get here so early? [She sits.] + +NEWTE. Well, your telegram rather upset me. I thought--correct +etiquette for me to sit down here, do you think? + +FANNY. Don't ask me. Got enough new tricks of my own to learn. +[Laughs.] Should chance it, if I were you. + +NEWTE. Such a long time since I was at Court. [He sits.] Yes, I +was up at five o'clock this morning. + +FANNY [laughs]. Oh, you poor fellow! + +NEWTE. Caught the first train to Melton, and came on by cart. +What's the trouble? + +FANNY. A good deal. Why didn't you tell me what I was marrying? + +NEWTE. I did. I told you that he was a gentleman; that he - + +FANNY. Why didn't you tell me that he was Lord Bantock? You knew, +didn't you? + +NEWTE [begins to see worries ahead]. Can't object to my putting a +cigar in my mouth if I don't light it--can he? + +FANNY. Oh, light it--anything you like that will help you to get +along. + +NEWTE [bites the end off the cigar and puts it between his teeth. +This helps him]. No, I didn't know--not officially. + +FANNY. What do you mean--"not officially"? + +NEWTE. He never told me. + +FANNY. He never told you ANYTHING--for the matter of that. I +understood you had found out everything for yourself. + +NEWTE. Yes; and one of the things I found out was that he didn't +WANT you to know. I could see his little game. Wanted to play the +Lord Burleigh fake. Well, what was the harm? Didn't make any +difference to you! + +FANNY. Didn't make any difference to me! [Jumps up.] Do you know +what I've done? Married into a family that keeps twenty-three +servants, every blessed one of whom is a near relation of my own. +[He sits paralysed. She goes on.] That bald-headed old owl--[with a +wave towards the door]--that wanted to send you off with a glass of +beer and a flea in your ear--that's my uncle. The woman that opened +the lodge gate for you is my Aunt Amelia. The carroty-headed young +man that answered the door to you is my cousin Simeon. He always +used to insist on kissing me. I'm expecting him to begin again. My +"lady's" maid is my cousin Jane. That's why I'm dressed like this! +My own clothes have been packed off to the local dressmaker to be +made "decent." Meanwhile, they've dug up the family vault to find +something for me to go on with. [He has been fumbling in all his +pockets for matches. She snatches a box from somewhere and flings it +to him.] For Heaven's sake light it! Then, perhaps, you'll be able +to do something else than stare. I have claret and water--mixed-- +with my dinner. Uncle pours it out for me. They've locked up my +cigarettes. Aunt Susannah is coming in to-morrow morning to hear me +say my prayers. Doesn't trust me by myself. Thinks I'll skip them. +She's the housekeeper here. I've got to know them by heart before I +go to bed to-night, and now I've mislaid them. [She goes to the +desk--hunts for them.] + +NEWTE [having lighted his eternal cigar, he can begin to think]. But +why should THEY - + +FANNY [still at desk]. Because they're that sort. They honestly +think they are doing the right and proper thing--that Providence has +put it into their hands to turn me out a passable substitute for all +a Lady Bantock should be; which, so far as I can understand, is +something between the late lamented Queen Victoria and Goody-Two- +Shoes. They are the people that I ran away from, the people I've +told you about, the people I've always said I'd rather starve than +ever go back to. And here I am, plumped down in the midst of them +again--for life! [Honoria Bennet, the "still-room" maid, has +entered. She is a pert young minx of about Fanny's own age.] What +is is? What is it? + +HONORIA. Merely passing through. Sorry to have excited your +ladyship. [Goes into dressing-room.] + +FANNY. My cousin Honoria. They've sent her up to keep an eye upon +me. Little cat! [She takes her handkerchief, drapes it over the +keyhole of the dressing-room door.] + +NEWTE [at sight of Honoria he has jumped up and hastily hidden his +cigar behind him]. What are you going to do? + +FANNY [she seats herself and suggests to him the writing-chair]. +Hear from you--first of all--exactly what you told Vernon. + +NEWTE [sitting]. About you? + +FANNY [nods]. About me--and my family. + +NEWTE. Well--couldn't tell him much, of course. Wasn't much to +tell. + +FANNY. I want what you did tell. + +NEWTE. I told him that your late father was a musician. + +FANNY. Yes. + +NEWTE. Had been unfortunate. Didn't go into particulars. Didn't +seem to be any need for it. That your mother had died when you were +still only a girl and that you had gone to live with relatives. [He +looks for approval.] + +FANNY. Yes. + +NEWTE. That you hadn't got on well with them--artistic temperament, +all that sort of thing--that, in consequence, you had appealed to +your father's old theatrical friends; and that they--that they, +having regard to your talent--and beauty - + +FANNY. Thank you. + +NEWTE. Had decided that the best thing you could do was to go upon +the stage. [He finishes, tolerably well pleased with himself.] + +FANNY. That's all right. Very good indeed. What else? + +NEWTE [after an uncomfortable pause]. Well, that's about all I knew. + +FANNY. Yes, but what did you TELL him? + +NEWTE. Well, of course, I had to tell him something. A man doesn't +marry without knowing just a little about his wife's connections. +Wouldn't be reasonable to expect him. You'd never told me anything-- +never would; except that you'd liked to have boiled the lot. What +was I to do? [He is playing with a quill pen he has picked up.] + +FANNY [she takes it from him]. What DID you do? + +NEWTE [with fine frankness]. I did the best I could for you, old +girl, and he was very nice about it. Said it was better than he'd +expected, and that I'd made him very happy--very happy indeed. + +FANNY [she leans across, puts her hand on his]. You're a dear, good +fellow, George--always have been. I wouldn't plague you only it is +absolutely necessary I should know--exactly what you did tell him. + +NEWTE [a little sulkily]. I told him that your uncle was a bishop. + +FANNY [sits back--staring at him]. A what? + +NEWTE. A bishop. Bishop of Waiapu, New Zealand. + +FANNY. Why New Zealand? + +NEWTE. Why not? Had to be somewhere. Didn't want him Archbishop of +Canterbury, did you? + +FANNY. Did he believe it? + +NEWTE. Shouldn't have told him had there been any fear that he +wouldn't. + +FANNY. I see. Any other swell relations of mine knocking about? + +NEWTE. One--a judge of the Supreme Court in Ohio. Same name, +anyhow, O'Gorman. Thought I'd make him a cousin of yours. I've +always remembered him. Met him when I was over there in ninety- +eight--damn him! + +A silence. + +FANNY [she rises]. Well, nothing else for it! Got to tell him it +was all a pack of lies. Not blaming you, old boy--my fault. Didn't +know he was going to ask any questions, or I'd have told him myself. +Bit of bad luck, that's all. + +NEWTE. Why must you tell him? Only upset him. + +FANNY. It's either my telling him or leaving it for them to do. You +know me, George. How long do you see me being bossed and bullied by +my own servants? Besides, it's bound to come out in any case. + +NEWTE [he rises. Kindly but firmly he puts her back into her chair. +Then pacing to and fro with his hands mostly in his trousers pockets, +he talks]. Now, you listen to me, old girl. I've been your business +manager ever since you started in. I've never made a mistake before- +-[he turns and faces her]--and I haven't made one this time. + +FANNY. I don't really see the smartness, George, stuffing him up +with a lot of lies he can find out for himself. + +NEWTE. IF HE WANTS TO. A couple of telegrams, one to His Grace the +Bishop of Waiapu, the other to Judge Denis O'Gorman, Columbus, Ohio, +would have brought him back the information that neither gentlemen +had ever heard of you. IF HE HADN'T BEEN CAREFUL NOT TO SEND THEM. +He wasn't marrying you with the idea of strengthening his family +connections. He was marrying you because he was just gone on you. +Couldn't help himself. + +FANNY. In that case, you might just as well have told him the truth. + +NEWTE. WHICH HE WOULD THEN HAVE HAD TO PASS ON TO EVERYONE ENTITLED +TO ASK QUESTIONS. Can't you understand? Somebody, in the interest +of everybody, had to tell a lie. Well, what's a business manager +for? + +FANNY. But I can't do it, George. You don't know them. The longer +I give in to them the worse they'll get. + +NEWTE. Can't you square them? + +FANNY. No, that's the trouble. They ARE honest. They're the +"faithful retainers" out of a melodrama. They are working eighteen +hours a day on me not for any advantage to themselves, but because +they think it their "duty" to the family. They don't seem to have +any use for themselves at all. + +NEWTE. Well, what about the boy? Can't HE talk to them? + +FANNY. Vernon! They've brought him up from a baby--spanked him all +round, I expect. Might as well ask a boy to talk to his old +schoolmaster. Besides, if he did talk, then it would all come out. +As I tell you, it's bound to come out--and the sooner the better. + +NEWTE. It must NOT come out! It's too late. If we had told him at +the beginning that he was proposing to marry into his own butler's +family--well, it's an awkward situation--he might have decided to +risk it. Or he might have cried off. + +FANNY. And a good job if he had. + +NEWTE. Now talk sense. You wanted him--you took a fancy to him from +the beginning. He's a nice boy, and there's something owing to him. +[It is his trump card, and he knows it.] Don't forget that. He's +been busy, explaining to all his friends and relations why they +should receive you with open arms: really nice girl, born +gentlewoman, good old Church of England family--no objection +possible. For you to spring the truth upon him NOW--well, it doesn't +seem to me quite fair to HIM. + +FANNY. Then am I to live all my life dressed as a charity girl? + +NEWTE. You keep your head and things will gradually right +themselves. This family of yours--they've got SOME sense, I suppose? + +FANNY. Never noticed any sign of it myself. + +NEWTE. Maybe you're not a judge. [Laughs.] They'll listen to +reason. You let ME have a talk to them, one of these days; see if I +can't show them--first one and then the other--the advantage of +leaving to "better" themselves--WITH THE HELP OF A LITTLE READY +MONEY. Later on--choosing your proper time--you can break it to him +that you have discovered they're distant connections of yours, a +younger branch of the family that you'd forgotten. Give the show +time to settle down into a run. Then you can begin to make changes. + +FANNY. You've a wonderful way with you, George. It always sounds +right as you put it--even when one jolly well knows that it isn't. + +NEWTE. Well, it's always been right for you, old girl, ain't it? + +FANNY. Yes. You've been a rattling good friend. [She takes his +hands.] Almost wish I'd married you instead. We'd have been more +suited to one another. + +NEWTE [shakes his head]. Nothing like having your fancy. You'd +never have been happy without him. [He releases her.] 'Twas a good +engagement, or I'd never have sanctioned it. + +FANNY. I suppose it will be the last one you will ever get me. [She +has dropped for a moment into a brown study.] + +NEWTE [he turns]. I hope so. + +FANNY [she throws off her momentary mood with a laugh]. Poor fellow! +You never even got your commission. + +NEWTE. I'll take ten per cent. of all your happiness, old girl. So +make it as much as you can for my benefit. Good-bye. [He holds out +hand.] + +FANNY. You're not going? You'll stop to lunch? + +NEWTE. Not to-day. + +FANNY. Do. If you don't, they'll think it's because I was +frightened to ask you. + +NEWTE. All the better. The more the other party thinks he's having +his way, the easier always to get your own. Your trouble is, you +know, that you never had any tact. + +FANNY. I hate tact. [Newte laughs.] We could have had such a jolly +little lunch together. I'm all alone till the evening. There were +ever so many things I wanted to talk to you about. + +NEWTE. What? + +FANNY. Ah, how can one talk to a man with his watch in his hand? +[He puts it away and stands waiting, but she is cross.] I think +you're very disagreeable. + +NEWTE. I must really get back to town. I oughtn't to be away now, +only your telegram - + +FANNY. I know. I'm an ungrateful little beast! [She crosses and +rings bell.] You'll have a glass of champagne before you go? + +NEWTE. Well, I won't say no to that. + +FANNY. How are all the girls? + +NEWTE. Oh, chirpy. I'm bringing them over to London. We open at +the Palace next week. + +FANNY. What did they think of my marriage? Gerty was a bit jealous, +wasn't she? + +NEWTE. Well, would have been, if she'd known who he was. [Laughs.] + +FANNY. Tell her. Tell her [she draws herself up] I'm Lady Bantock, +of Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire. It will make her so mad. [Laughs.] + +NEWTE [laughs]. I will. + +FANNY. Give them all my love. [Ernest appears in answer to her +bell.] Oh, Ernest, tell Bennet--[the eyes and mouth of Ernest open]- +-to see that Mr. Newte has some refreshment before he leaves. A +glass of champagne and--and some caviare. Don't forget. [Ernest +goes out.] Good-bye. You'll come again? + +NEWTE. Whenever you want me--and remember--the watchword is "Tact"! + +FANNY. Yes, I've got the WORD all right. [Laughs.] Don't forget to +give my love to the girls. + +NEWTE. I won't. So long! [He goes out.] + +Fanny closes the door. Honoria has re-entered from the dressing- +room. She looks from the handkerchief still hanging over the keyhole +to Fanny. + +HONORIA. Your ladyship's handkerchief? + +FANNY. Yes. Such a draught through that keyhole. + +HONORIA [takes the handkerchief, hands it to Fanny]. I will tell the +housekeeper. + +FANNY. Thanks. Maybe you will also mention it to the butler. +Possibly also to the--[She suddenly changes.] Honoria. Suppose it +had been you--you know, you're awfully pretty--who had married Lord +Bantock, and he had brought you back here, among them all--uncle, +aunt, all the lot of them--what would you have done? + +HONORIA [she draws herself up]. I should have made it quite plain +from the first, that I was mistress, and that they were my servants. + +FANNY. You would, you think - + +HONORIA [checking her outburst]. But then, dear--you will excuse my +speaking plainly--there is a slight difference between the two cases. +[She seats herself on the settee. Fanny is standing near the desk.] +You see, what we all feel about you, dear, is--that you are--well, +hardly a fit wife for his lordship. [Fanny's hands are itching to +box the girl's ears. To save herself, she grinds out through her +teeth the word "Tack!"] Of course, dear, it isn't altogether your +fault. + +FANNY. Thanks. + +HONORIA. Your mother's marriage was most unfortunate. + +FANNY [her efforts to suppress her feelings are just--but only just-- +successful.] Need we discuss that? + +HONORIA. Well, he was an Irishman, dear, there's no denying it. +[Fanny takes a cushion from a chair--with her back to Honoria, she +strangles it. Jane has entered and is listening.] Still, perhaps it +is a painful subject. And we hope--all of us--that, with time and +patience, we may succeed in eradicating the natural results of your +bringing-up. + +JANE. Some families, finding themselves in our position, would seek +to turn it to their own advantage. WE think only of your good. + +FANNY. Yes, that's what I feel--that you are worrying yourselves too +much about me. You're too conscientious, all of you. You, in +particular, Jane, because you know you're not strong. YOU'LL end up +with a nervous breakdown. [Mrs. Bennet has entered. Honoria slips +out. Fanny turns to her aunt.] I was just saying how anxious I'm +getting about Jane. I don't like the look of her at all. What she +wants is a holiday. Don't you agree with me? + +MRS. BENNET. There will be no holiday, I fear, for any of us, for +many a long day. + +FANNY. But you must. You must think more of yourselves, you know. +YOU'RE not looking well, aunt, at all. What you both want is a +month--at the seaside. + +MRS. BENNET. Your object is too painfully apparent for the subject +to need discussion. True solicitude for us would express itself +better in greater watchfulness upon your own behaviour. + +FANNY. Why, what have I done? + +Bennet enters, followed, unwillingly, by Ernest. + +MRS. BENNET. Your uncle will explain. + +BENNET. Shut that door. [Ernest does so. They group round Bennet-- +Ernest a little behind. Fanny remains near the desk.] Sit down. +[Fanny, bewildered, speechless, sits.] Carry your mind back, please, +to the moment when, with the Bradshaw in front of you, you were +considering, with the help of your cousin Ernest, the possibility of +your slipping out unobserved, to meet and commune with a person you +had surreptitiously summoned to visit you during your husband's +absence. + +FANNY. While I think of it, did he have anything to eat before he +went? I told Ernest to--ask you to see that he had a glass of +champagne and a - + +BENNET [waves her back into silence]. Mr. Newte was given +refreshment suitable to his station. [She goes to interrupt. Again +he waves her back.] We are speaking of more important matters. Your +cousin reminded you that you would have to pass the lodge, occupied +by your Aunt Amelia. I state the case correctly? + +FANNY. Beautifully! + +BENNET. I said nothing at the time, doubting the evidence of my own +ears. The boy, however--where is the boy?--[Ernest is pushed +forward]--has admitted--reluctantly--that he also heard it. [A +pause. The solemnity deepens.] You made use of an expression - + +FANNY. Oh, cut it short. I said "damn." [A shudder passes.] I'm +sorry to have frightened you, but if you knew a little more of really +good society, you would know that ladies--quite slap-up ladies--when +they're excited, do--. + +MRS. BENNET [interrupting with almost a scream]. She defends it! + +BENNET. You will allow ME to be the judge of what a LADY says, even +when she is excited. As for this man, Newte - + +FANNY. The best friend you ever had. [She is "up" again.] You +thank your stars, all of you, and tell the others, too, the whole +blessed twenty-three of you--you thank your stars that I did +"surreptitiously" beg and pray him to run down by the first train and +have a talk with me; and that Providence was kind enough to YOU to +enable him to come. It's a very different tune you'd have been +singing at this moment--all of you--if he hadn't. I can tell you +that. + +MRS. BENNET. And pray, what tune SHOULD we have been singing if +Providence hadn't been so thoughtful of us? + +FANNY [she is about to answer, then checks herself, and sits again]. +You take care you don't find out. There's time yet. + +MRS. BENNET. We had better leave her. + +BENNET. Threats, my good girl, will not help you. + +MRS. BENNET [with a laugh]. She's in too tight a corner for that. + +BENNET. A contrite heart is what your aunt and I desire to see. [He +takes from his pocket a small book, places it open on the desk.] I +have marked one or two passages, on pages 93-7. We will discuss them +together--later in the day. + +They troop out in silence, the key turns in the lock. + +FANNY [takes up the book--turns to the cover, reads]. "The Sinner's +Manual." [She turns to page 93.] + +[CURTAIN] + + + +ACT III + + + +SCENE + +The same. + +Time.--A few days later. + +A table is laid for tea. Ernest enters with the tea-urn. He leaves +the door open; through it comes the sound of an harmonium, +accompanying the singing of a hymn. Fanny comes from her dressing- +room. She is dressed more cheerfully than when we last saw her, but +still "seemly." She has a book in her hand. She pauses, hearing the +music, goes nearer to the open door, and listens; then crosses and +takes her place at the table. The music ceases. + +FANNY. Another prayer meeting? [Ernest nods.] I do keep 'em busy. + +ERNEST. D'ye know what they call you downstairs? + +FANNY. What? + +ERNEST. The family cross. + +FANNY. I'm afraid it's about right. + +ERNEST. What have you been doing THIS time? Swearing again? + +FANNY. Worse. I've been lying. [Ernest gives vent to a low +whistle.] Said I didn't know what had become of that yellow poplin +with the black lace flounces, that they've had altered for me. Found +out that I'd given it to old Mother Potts for the rummage sale at the +Vicarage. Jane was down there. Bought it in for half a crown. + +ERNEST. You are risky. Why, you might have known - + +Vernon comes in. He is in golfing get-up. He throws his cap on to +the settee. + +VERNON. Hello, got a cup of tea there? + +Ernest goes out. + +FANNY. Yes. Thought you were playing golf? + +VERNON. Just had a telegram handed to me in the village--from your +friend Newte. Wants me to meet him at Melton Station at five +o'clock. [Looks at his watch.] Know what he wants? + +FANNY. Haven't the faintest idea. [She hands him his cup.] Is he +coming HERE? Or merely on his way somewhere? + +VERNON. I don't know; he doesn't say. + +FANNY. Don't let him mix you up in any of his "ventures." Dear old +George, he's as honest as the day, but if he gets hold of an "idea" +there's always thousands in it for everybody. + +VERNON. I'll be careful. [Ernest has left the door open. The +harmonium breaks forth again, together with vocal accompaniment as +before.] What's on downstairs, then--a party? + +FANNY. Bennet is holding a prayer meeting. + +VERNON. A prayer meeting? + +FANNY. One of the younger members of the family has been detected +"telling a deliberate lie." [Vernon is near the door listening, with +his back towards her, or he would see that she is smiling.] Black +sheep, I suppose, to be found in every flock. [Music ceases, Ernest +having arrived with the news of his lordship's return.] + +VERNON [returning to the table, having closed the door]. Good old +man, you know, Bennet. All of them! So high-principled! Don't +often get servants like that, nowadays. + +FANNY. Seems almost selfish, keeping the whole collection to +ourselves. + +VERNON [laughs]. 'Pon my word it does. But what can we do? They'll +never leave us--not one of them. + +FANNY. No, I don't believe they ever will. + +VERNON. Do you know, I sometimes think that you don't like them. +[Fanny makes a movement.] Of course, they are a bit bossy, I admit. +But all that comes from their devotion, their - + +FANNY. The wonder to me is that, brought up among them, admiring +them as you do, you never thought of marrying one of them. + +VERNON [staggered.] Marrying them? + +FANNY. I didn't say "them." I said "ONE of them." There's Honoria. +She's pretty enough, anyhow. So's Alice, Charles Bennet's daughter, +and Bertha and Grace--all of them beautiful. And what's even better +still--good. [She says it viciously.] Didn't you ever think of +them? + +VERNON. Well [laughs]--well, one hardly marries into one's own +kitchen. + +FANNY. Isn't that rather snobbish? You say they're more like +friends than servants. They've lived with your people, side by side, +for three generations, doing their duty, honourably. There's never +been a slur upon their name. They're "high-principled." You know +it. They've better manners than nine-tenths of your smart society, +and they're healthy. What's wrong with them--even from a lord's +point of view? + +VERNON [recovering himself]. Well, don't pitch into me about it. +It's your fault if I didn't marry them--I mean one of them. [He +laughs, puts his empty cup back on the table.] Maybe I'd have +thought about it--if I hadn't met you. + +FANNY [takes his hand in hers]. I wish you hadn't asked Newte any +questions about me. It would have been so nice to feel that you had +married me--just because you couldn't help it--just because I was I +and nothing else mattered. + +VERNON. Let's forget I ever did. [He kneels beside her.] I didn't +do it for my own sake, as you know. A MAN in my position has to +think of other people. His wife has to take her place in society. +People insist upon knowing something about her. It's not enough for +the stupid "County" that she's the cleverest, most bewilderingly +beautiful, bewitching lady in the land. + +FANNY. And how long will you think all that? + +VERNON. For ever, and ever, and ever. + +FANNY. Oh, you dear boy. [She kisses him.] You don't know how a +woman loves the man she loves to love her. [Laughs.] Isn't that +complicated? + +VERNON. Not at all. We're just the same. We love to love the woman +we love. + +FANNY. Provided the "County" will let us. And the County has said: +A man may not marry his butler's niece. + +VERNON [laughing]. You've got butlers on the brain. If ever I do +run away with my own cook or under-housemaid, it will be your doing. + +FANNY. You haven't the pluck! The "County" would laugh at you. You +men are so frightened of being laughed at. + +VERNON [he rises]. Well, if it saves us from making asses of +ourselves - + +FANNY. Wasn't there a niece of old Bennet's, a girl who had been +brought up abroad, and who WASN'T a domestic servant--never had been- +-who stayed with them here, at the gardener's cottage, for a short +time, some few years ago? + +VERNON. You mean poor Rose Bennet's daughter--the one who ran away +and married an organ-grinder. + +FANNY. An organ-grinder? + +VERNON. Something of that sort--yes. They had her over; did all +they could. A crazy sort of girl; used to sing French ballads on the +village green to all the farm labourers she could collect. Shortened +poor Bennet's life by about ten years. [Laughs.] But why? Not +going to bully me for not having fallen in love with her, are you? +Because that really WASN'T my fault. I never even saw her. 'Twas +the winter we spent in Rome. She bolted before we got back. Never +gave me a chance. + +FANNY. I accept the excuse. [Laughs.] No, I was merely wondering +what the "County" would have done if by any chance you had married +HER. Couldn't have said you were marrying into your own kitchen in +her case, because she was never IN your kitchen--absolutely refused +to enter it, I'm told. + +VERNON [laughs]. It would have been a "nice point," as they say in +legal circles. If people had liked her, they'd have tried to forget +that her cousins had ever been scullery-maids. If not, they'd have +taken good care that nobody did. + +Bennet enters. He brings some cut flowers, with the "placing" of +which he occupies himself. + +BENNET. I did not know your lordship had returned. + +VERNON. Found a telegram waiting for me in the village. What's +become of that niece of yours, Bennet--your sister Rose's daughter, +who was here for a short time and ran away again? Ever hear anything +about her? + +BENNET [very quietly he turns, lets his eyes for a moment meet +Fanny's. Then answers as he crosses to the windows]. The last I +heard about her was that she was married. + +VERNON. Satisfactorily? + +BENNET. Looking at it from her point of view--most satisfactorily. + +VERNON [laughs]. But looking at it from his--more doubtful? + +BENNET. She was not without her attractions. Her chief faults, I am +inclined to think, were those arising from want of discipline in +youth. I have hopes that it is not even yet too late to root out +from her nature the weeds of indiscretion. + +VERNON. And you think he is the man to do it? + +BENNET. Perhaps not. But fortunately there are those about her +fully alive to the duty devolving upon them. + +VERNON. Um. Sounds a little bit like penal servitude for the poor +girl, the way you put it, Bennet. + +BENNET. Even penal servitude may be a blessing, if it serves to +correct a stubborn spirit. + +VERNON. We'll have to make you a J.P., Bennet. Must be jolly +careful I don't ever get tried before you. [Laughs.] Is that the +cart? + +BENNET [he looks out through the window]. Yes, your lordship. + +VERNON [he takes up his cap]. I may be bringing someone back with +me. [To Fanny, who throughout has remained seated.] Why not put on +your hat--come with me? + +FANNY [she jumps up, delighted]. Shall I? + +BENNET. Your ladyship is not forgetting that to-day is Wednesday? + +FANNY. What's the odds. There's nobody to call. Everybody is still +in town. + +BENNET. It has always been the custom of the Lady Bantocks, when in +residence, to be at home on Wednesdays. + +VERNON. Perhaps better not. It may cause talk; if, by chance, +anybody does come. I was forgetting it was Wednesday. [Fanny sits +again.] I shan't do anything without consulting you. Good-bye. + +FANNY. Good-bye. + +Vernon goes out. + +BENNET. You think it wise, discussing with his lordship the secret +history of the Bennet family? + +FANNY. What do you mean by telling him my father was an organ- +grinder? If the British public knew the difference between music and +a hurdy-gurdy, he would have kept a butler of his own. + +BENNET. I am not aware of having mentioned to his lordship that you +ever to my knowledge even had a father. It is not my plan--for the +present at all events--to inform his lordship anything about your +family. Take care I am not forced to. + +FANNY. Because my father, a composer who had his work performed at +the Lamoureux Concerts--as I can prove, because I've got the +programme--had the misfortune to marry into a family of lackeys--I'm +not talking about my mother: she was never really one of you. SHE +had the soul of an artist. + +BENNET [white with suppressed fury; he is in front of her; his very +look is enough to silence her]. Now you listen to me, my girl, once +and for all. I told you the night of your arrival that whether this +business was going to prove a pleasant or an unpleasant one depended +upon you. You make it an easy one--for your own sake. With one word +I can bring your house of cards about your ears. I've only to tell +him the truth for him to know you as a cheat and liar. [She goes to +speak; again he silences her.] You listen to me. You've seen fit to +use strong language; now I'm using strong language. This BOY, who +has married you in a moment of impulse, what does HE know about the +sort of wife a man in his position needs? What do YOU? made to sing +for your living on the Paris boulevards--whose only acquaintance with +the upper classes has been at shady restaurants. + +FANNY. He didn't WANT a woman of his own class. He told me so. It +was because I wasn't a colourless, conventional puppet with a book of +etiquette in place of a soul that he was first drawn towards me. + +BENNET. Yes. At twenty-two, boys like unconventionality. Men +don't: they've learnt its true name, vulgarity. Do you think I've +stood behind English society for forty years without learning +anything about it! What you call a colourless puppet is what WE call +an English lady. And that you've got to learn to be. You talk of +"lackeys." If your mother, my poor sister Rose, came from a family +of "lackeys" there would be no hope for you. With her blood in your +veins the thing can be done. We Bennets--[he draws himself up]--we +serve. We are not lackeys. + +FANNY. All right. Don't you call my father an organ-grinder, and I +won't call you lackeys. Unfortunately that doesn't end the trouble. + +BENNET. The trouble can easily be ended. + +FANNY. Yes. By my submitting to be ruled in all things for the +remainder of my life by my own servants. + +BENNET. Say "relations," and it need not sound so unpleasant. + +FANNY. Yes, it would. It would sound worse. One can get rid of +one's servants. [She has crossed towards the desk. Her cheque-book +lies there half hidden under other papers. It catches her eye. Her +hand steals unconsciously towards it. She taps it idly with her +fingers. It is all the work of a moment. Nothing comes of it. Just +the idea passes through her brain--not for the first time. She does +nothing noticeable--merely stands listless while one might count half +a dozen--then turns to him again.] Don't you think you're going it a +bit too strong, all of you? I'm not a fool. I've got a lot to +learn, I know. I'd be grateful for help. What you're trying to do +is to turn me into a new woman entirely. + +BENNET. Because that is the only WAY to help you. Men do not put +new wine into old bottles. + +FANNY. Oh, don't begin quoting Scripture. I want to discuss the +thing sensibly. Don't you see it can't be done? I can't be anybody +else than myself. I don't want to. + +BENNET. My girl, you've GOT to be. Root and branch, inside and +outside, before you're fit to be Lady Bantock, mother of the Lord +Bantocks that are to be, you've got to be a changed woman. + +A pause. + +FANNY. And it's going to be your job, from beginning to end--yours +and the rest of you. What I wear and how I look is Jane's affair. +My prayers will be for what Aunt Susannah thinks I stand in need of. +What I eat and drink and say and do YOU will arrange for me. And +when you die, Cousin Simeon, I suppose, will take your place. And +when Aunt Susannah dies, it will merely be a change to Aunt Amelia. +And if Jane ever dies, Honoria will have the dressing and the +lecturing of me. And so on and so on, world without end, for ever +and ever, Amen. + +BENNET. Before that time, you will, I shall hope, have learnt +sufficient sense to be grateful to us. [He goes out.] + +FANNY [she turns--walks slowly back towards the tea-table. Halfway +she pauses, and leaning over the back of a chair regards in silence +for a while the portrait of the first Lady Bantock]. I do wish I +could tell what you were saying. + +The door opens. The Misses Wetherell come in. They wear the same +frocks that they wore in the first act. They pause. Fanny is still +gazing at the portrait. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Don't you notice it, dear? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Yes. There really is. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It struck me the first day. [To Fanny, +who has turned] Your likeness, dear, to Lady Constance. It's really +quite remarkable. + +FANNY. You think so? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It's your expression--when you are +serious. + +FANNY [laughs]. I must try to be more serious. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It will come, dear. + +They take their places side by side on the settee. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [to her sister, with a pat of the hand]. +In good time. It's so nice to have her young. I wonder if +anybody'll come this afternoon. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [to Fanny]. You see, dear, most of the +county people are still in town. + +FANNY [who is pouring out tea]. I'm not grumbling. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Oh, you'll like them, dear. The +Cracklethorpes especially. [To her sister for confirmation] Bella +Cracklethorpe is so clever. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And the Engells. She'll like the +Engells. All the Engell girls are so pretty. [Fanny brings over two +cups of tea.] Thank you, dear. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [as she takes her cup--patting Fanny's +hand]. And they'll like you, dear, ALL of them. + +FANNY [returning to table]. I hope so. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It's wonderful, dear--you won't mind my +saying it?--how you've improved. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Of course it was such a change for you. +And at first [turns to her sister] we were a little anxious about +her, weren't we? + +Fanny has returned to them with the cake-basket. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [as she takes a piece]. Bennet [she lingers +on the name as that of an authority] was saying only yesterday that +he had great hopes of you. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [Fanny is handing the basket to her]. +Thank you, dear. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I told Vernon. He was SO pleased. + +FANNY. VERNON was? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He attaches so much importance to Bennet's +opinion. + +FANNY. Um. I'm glad I appear to be giving satisfaction. [She has +returned to her seat at the table.] I suppose when you go to town, +you take the Bennets with you? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [surprised at the question]. Of course, +dear. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon didn't wish to go this year. He +thought you would prefer - + +FANNY. I was merely thinking of when he did. Do you ever go abroad +for the winter? So many people do, nowadays. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We tried it once. But there was nothing +for dear Vernon to do. You see, he's so fond of hunting. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [to her sister]. And then there will be +his Parliamentary duties that he will have to take up now. + +Fanny rises, abruptly. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You're not ill, dear? + +FANNY. No. Merely felt I wanted some air. You don't mind, do you? +[She flings a casement open.] + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Not at all, dear. [To her sister] It +IS a bit close. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. One could really do without fires. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. If it wasn't for the evenings. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And then, of course, the cold weather +might come again. One can never feel safe until - + +The door opens. Dr. Freemantle enters, announced by Bennet. The old +ladies go to rise. He stops them. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Don't get up. [He shakes hands with them.] How are +we this afternoon? [He shakes his head and clicks his tongue.] +Really, I think I shall have to bring an action for damages against +Lady Bantock. Ever since she - + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Hush! [She points to the window.] Fanny. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Here's Doctor Freemantle. + +Fanny comes from the window. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he meets her and takes her hand]. Was just saying, I +really think I shall have to claim damages against you, Lady Bantock. +You've practically deprived me of two of my best paying patients. +Used to be sending for me every other day before you came. Now look +at them! [The two ladies laugh.] She's not as bad as we expected. +[He pats her hand.] Do you remember my description of what I thought +she was going to be like? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She's a dear girl. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Bennet - + +FANNY [she has crossed to table--is pouring out the Doctor's tea]. +Oh, mightn't we have a holiday from Bennet? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs]. Seems to be having a holiday himself to- +day. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. A holiday? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Didn't you know? Oh, there's an awfully swagger +party on downstairs. They were all trooping in as I came. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. I'd no idea he was giving a party. [To +Fanny] Did you, dear? + +FANNY [she hands the Doctor his tea]. Yes. It's a prayer meeting. +The whole family, I expect, has been summoned. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. A prayer meeting! Didn't look like it. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. But why should he be holding a prayer +meeting? + +FANNY. Oh, one of the family - + +DR. FREEMANTLE. And why twelve girls in a van? + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. In a van? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. One of Hutton's from the Station Hotel--with a big +poster pinned on the door: "Our Empire." + +Fanny has risen. She crosses and rings the bell. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. What's the matter, dear? + +FANNY. I'm not quite sure yet. [Her whole manner is changed. A +look has come into her eyes that has not been there before. She +speaks in quiet, determined tones. She rings again. Then returning +to table, hands the cake-basket to the Doctor.] Won't you take one, +Doctor? They're not as indigestible as they look. [Laughs.] + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he also is bewildered at the changed atmosphere]. +Thank you. I hope I - + +FANNY [she turns to Ernest, who has entered. Her tone, for the first +time, is that of a mistress speaking to her servants]. Have any +visitors called for me this afternoon? + +ERNEST. Vi-visitors--? + +FANNY. Some ladies. + +ERNEST [he is in a slough of doubt and terror]. L--ladies? + +FANNY. Yes. Please try to understand the English language. Has a +party of ladies called here this afternoon? + +ERNEST. There have been some ladies. They--we - + +FANNY. Where are they? + +ERNEST. They--I - + +FANNY. Send Bennet up to me. Instantly, please. + +Ernest, only too glad to be off, stumbles out. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. My dear - + +FANNY. You'll take some more tea, won't you? Do you mind, Doctor, +passing Miss Wetherell's cup? And the other one. Thank you. And +will you pass them the biscuits? You see, I am doing all I can on +your behalf. [She is talking and laughing--a little hysterically-- +for the purpose of filling time.] Tea and hot cake--could anything +be worse for them? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Well, tea, you know - + +FANNY. I know. [Laughs.] You doctors are all alike. You all +denounce it, but you all drink it. [She hands him the two cups.] +That one is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful hair; and the other +is for Aunt Wetherell of the beautiful eyes. [Laughs.] It's the +only way I can distinguish them. + +Bennet enters. + +Oh, Bennet! + +BENNET. You sent for me? + +FANNY. Yes. I understand some ladies have called. + +BENNET. I think your ladyship must have been misinformed. I most +certainly have seen none. + +FANNY. I have to assume, Bennet, that either Dr. Freemantle or you +are telling lies. + +A silence. + +BENNET. A party of over-dressed young women, claiming to be +acquainted with your ladyship, have arrived in a van. I am giving +them tea in the servants' hall, and will see to it that they are sent +back to the station in ample time to catch their train back to town. + +FANNY. Please show them up. They will have their tea here. + +BENNET [her very quietness is beginning to alarm him. It shakes him +from his customary perfection of manners]. The Lady Bantocks do not +as a rule receive circus girls in their boudoir. + +FANNY [still with her alarming quietness]. Neither do they argue +with their servants. Please show these ladies in. + +BENNET. I warn you - + +FANNY. You heard my orders. [Her tone has the right ring. The +force of habit is too strong upon him. He yields--savagely--and goes +out. She turns to the Doctor.] So sorry I had to drag you into it. +I didn't see how else I was going to floor him. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Splendid! [He grips her hand.] + +FANNY [she goes to the old ladies who sit bewildered terrified.] +They won't be here for more than a few minutes--they can't be. I +want you to be nice to them--both of you. They are friends of mine. +[She turns to the Doctor.] They're the girls I used to act with. We +went all over Europe--twelve of us--representing the British Empire. +They are playing in London now. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. To-night? [He looks at his watch.] + +FANNY [she is busy at the tea-table]. Yes. They are on the stage at +half past nine. You might look out their train for them. [She +points to the Bradshaw on the desk.] I don't suppose they've ever +thought about how they're going to get back. It's Judy's +inspiration, this, the whole thing; I'd bet upon it. [With a laugh.] +She always was as mad as a March hare. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [busy with the Bradshaw]. They were nice-looking +girls. + +FANNY. Yes. I think we did the old man credit. [With a laugh.] +John Bull's daughters, they called us in Paris. + +Bennet appears in doorway. + +BENNET [announces]. "Our Empire." + +Headed by "England," the twelve girls, laughing, crowding, jostling +one another, talking all together, swoop in. + +ENGLAND [a lady with a decided Cockney accent]. Oh, my dear, talk +about an afternoon! We 'ave 'ad a treat getting 'ere. + +Fanny kisses her. + +SCOTLAND [they also kiss]. Your boss told us you'd gone out. + +FANNY. It was a slight--misunderstanding. Bennet, take away these +things, please. And let me have half a dozen bottles of champagne. + +STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [a small girl at the back of the crowd--with a +shrill voice]. Hooray! + +BENNET [he is controlling himself with the supremest difficulty. +Within he is a furnace]. I'm afraid I have mislaid the key of the +cellar. + +FANNY [she looks at him]. You will please find it--quickly. +[Bennet, again from habit, yields. But his control almost fails him. +He takes up the tray of unneeded tea-things from the table.] I shall +want some more of all these [cakes, fruit, sandwiches, etc.]. And +some people to wait. Tell Jane she must come and help. + +Bennet goes out. During this passage of arms between mistress and +man a momentary lull has taken place in the hubbub. As he goes out, +it begins to grow again. + +ENGLAND. 'E does tease yer, don't 'e? Wanted us to 'ave tea in the +kitchen. + +FANNY. Yes. These old family servants - + +AFRICA [she prides herself on being "quite the lady"]. Don't talk +about 'em, dear. We had just such another. [She turns to a girl +near her.] Oh, they'll run the whole show for you if you let 'em. + +ENGLAND. It was Judy's idea, our giving you this little treat. +Don't you blime me for it. + +WALES [a small, sprightly girl with a childish, laughing voice]. +Well, we were all together with nothing better to do. They'd called +a rehearsal and then found they didn't want us--silly fools. I told +'em you'd just be tickled to death. + +FANNY [laughing--kisses her]. So I am. It was a brilliant idea. +[By this time she has kissed or shaken hands with the whole dozen.] +I can't introduce you all singly; it would take too long. [She makes +a wholesale affair of it.] My aunts, the Misses Wetherell--Dr. +Freemantle. + +The Misses Wetherell, suggesting two mice being introduced to a party +of friendly kittens, standing, clinging to one another, murmur +something inaudible. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [who is with them to comfort them--he has got rid of +the time-table, discreetly--smiles]. Delighted. + +ENGLAND. Charmed. [The others join in, turning it into a chorus. +To Fanny] Glad we didn't strike one of your busy days. I say, +you're not as dressy as you used to be. 'Ow are they doing you?--all +right? + +FANNY. Yes. Oh, yes. + +CANADA ["Gerty," a big, handsome girl, with a loud, commanding +voice]. George gave me your message. + +FANNY [puzzled at first]. My message? [Remembering--laughs.] Oh. +That I was Lady Bantock of Bantock Hall. Yes. I thought you'd be +pleased. + +CANADA. Was delighted, dear. + +FANNY. So glad. + +CANADA. I'd always had the idea that you were going to make a mess +of your marriage. + +FANNY. What a funny idea! [But the laugh that accompanies it is not +a merry one.] + +CANADA. Wasn't it? So glad I was wrong. + +WALES. We're all of us looking out for lords in disguise, now. +Can't you give us a tip, dear, how to tell 'em? + +SCOTLAND. Sukey has broken it off with her boy. Found he was mixed +up in trade. + +STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [as before, unseen at back of crowd]. No. I +didn't. 'Twas his moral character. + +Then enter Honoria with glasses on a tray; Ernest with champagne; +Jane with eatables; Bennet with a napkin. It is a grim procession. +The girls are scattered, laughing, talking: Africa to the Misses +Wetherell; a couple to Dr. Freemantle. England, Scotland, Wales, and +Canada are with Fanny. The hubbub, with the advent of the +refreshments, increases. There is a general movement towards the +refreshments. + +FANNY. Thanks, Bennet. You can clear away a corner of the desk. + +ENGLAND [aside to her]. Go easy with it, dear. [Fanny, smiling, +nods. She directs operations in a low tone to the Bennets, who take +her orders in grim silence and with lips tight shut.] Don't forget, +girls, that we've got to get back to-night. [Aside to the Doctor, +who has come forward to help.] Some of 'em, you know, ain't used to +it. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [nods]. Glasses not TOO full. [He whispers to +Fanny.] + +IRELAND [a decided young woman]. How much time have we got? + +ENGLAND. Don't ask me. It's Judy's show. + +WALES [mimicking Newte]. The return train, ladies, leaves Oakham +station. [Stops--she is facing the clock. She begins to laugh.] + +ENGLAND. What's the matter? + +WALES [still laughing]. We've got just quarter of an hour to catch +it. + +There is a wild rush for the refreshments. Jane is swept off her +feet. Bennet's tray is upset. + +ENGLAND. Quarter--! Oh, my Gawd! Here, tuck up your skirts, girls. +We'll have to - + +DR. FREEMANTLE. It's all right. You've got plenty of time, ladies. +There's a train from Norton on the branch line at 5.33. Gets you +into London at a quarter to nine. + +ENGLAND. You're SURE? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he has his watch in his hand]. Quite sure. The +station is only half a mile away. + +ENGLAND. Don't let's miss it. Keep your watch in your 'and, there's +a dear. + +FANNY [her business is--and has been--to move quietly through the +throng, making the girls welcome, talking, laughing with them, +directing the servants--all in a lady's way. On the whole she does +it remarkably well. She is offering a plate of fruit to Judy]. +You're a nice acting manager, you are. [Judy laughs. Fanny finds +herself in front of Ireland. She turns to England.] Won't you +introduce us? + +ENGLAND. I beg your pardon, dear. Of course, you don't know each +other. Miss Tetsworth, our new Ireland, Lady Bantock. It is +"Bantock," isn't it, dear? + +FANNY. Quite right. It's a good little part, isn't it? + +IRELAND. Well, depends upon what you've been used to. + +ENGLAND. She's got talent, as I tell 'er. But she ain't you, dear. +It's no good saying she is. + +FANNY [hastening to smooth it over]. People always speak so well of +us after we're gone. [Laughs.] You'll take another glass of +champagne. + +IRELAND. Thank you--you made a great success, they tell me, in the +part. + +FANNY. Oh, there's a deal of fluke about these things. You see, I +had the advantage - + +DR. FREEMANTLE [with watch still in his hand]. I THINK, ladies - + +ENGLAND. Come on, girls. + +A general movement. + +FANNY. You must all come again--spend a whole day--some Sunday. + +CANADA. Remember me to Vernon. + +FANNY. He'll be so sorry to have - + +ENGLAND [cutting in]. 'Ope we 'aven't upset you, dear. [She is +bustling them all up.] + +FANNY. Not at all. [She is kissing the girls.] It's been so good +to see you all again. + +ENGLAND. 'Urry up, girls, there's dears. [To Fanny] Good-bye, +dear. [Kissing her.] We DO miss yer. + +FANNY. I'm glad you do. + +ENGLAND. Oh, it ain't the same show. [The others are crowding out +of the door. She and Fanny are quite apart.] No chance of your +coming back to it, I suppose? [A moment.] Well, there, you never +know, do yer? Good-bye, dear. [Kisses her again.] + +FANNY. Good-bye! [She stands watching them out. Bennet goes down +with them. Ernest is busy collecting debris. Jane and Honoria stand +one each side of the table, rigid, with set faces. After a moment +Fanny goes to the open window. The voices of the girls below, +crowding into the van, come up into the room. She calls down to +them.] Good-bye. You've plenty of time. What? Yes, of course. +[Laughs.] All right. Good-bye. [She turns, comes slowly back. She +looks at Jane and Honoria, where they stand rigid. Honoria makes a +movement with her shoulders--takes a step towards the door.] +Honoria! [Honoria stops--slowly turns.] You can take away these +glasses. Jane will help you. + +Bennet has reappeared. + +HONORIA. It's not my place - + +FANNY. Your place is to obey my orders. + +BENNET [his coolness seems to have deserted him. His voice is +trembling]. Obey her ladyship's orders, both of you. Leave the rest +to me. [Honoria and Jane busy themselves, with Ernest setting the +room to rights.] May I speak with your ladyship? + +FANNY. Certainly. + +BENNET. Alone, I mean. + +FANNY. I see no need. + +BENNET [her firmness takes him aback. He expected to find her +defiance disappear with the cause of it. But pig-headed, as all +Bennets, her opposition only drives him on]. Your ladyship is not +forgetting the alternative? + +The Misses Wetherell have been watching the argument much as the +babes in the wood might have watched the discussion between the two +robbers. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [in terror]. Bennet! you're not going to +give notice! + +BENNET. What my duty may be, I shall be able to decide after I have +spoken with her ladyship--alone. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Dear! You will see him? + +FANNY. I am sorry. I have not the time. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No. Of course. [Appealing to Bennet +for mercy] Her ladyship is tired. To-morrow - + +FANNY [interrupting]. Neither to-morrow--nor any other day. [Vernon +enters, followed by Newte. She advances to meet them.] You've just +missed some old friends of yours. [She shakes hands with Newte.] + +VERNON. So it seems. We were hoping to have been in time. [To +Newte] The mare came along pretty slick, didn't she? + +BENNET [he has remained with his look fixed all the time on Fanny]. +May I speak with your lordship a moment--in private? + +VERNON. Now? + +BENNET. It is a matter that needs to be settled now. [It is the +tone of respectful authority he has always used towards the lad.] + +VERNON. Well, if it's as pressing as all that I suppose you must. +[He makes a movement towards the door. To Newte] Shan't be long. + +FANNY. One moment. [Vernon stops.] I may be able to render the +interview needless. Who is mistress of this house? + +VERNON. Who is mistress? + +FANNY. Who is mistress of your house? + +VERNON. Why, you are, of course. + +FANNY. Thank you. [She turns to Bennet] Please tell Mrs. Bennet I +want her. + +BENNET. I think if your lordship - + +FANNY. At once. [She is looking at him. He struggles--looks at +Vernon. But Vernon is evidently inclined to support Fanny. Bennet +goes out. She crosses and seats herself at the desk. She takes from +a drawer some neatly folded papers. She busies herself with +figures.] + +VERNON [he crosses to his Aunts]. Whatever's the matter? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She is excited. She has had a very trying +time. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Bennet didn't like the idea of her +receiving them. + +NEWTE. It was that minx Judy's doing. They'll have the rough side +of my tongue when I get back--all of them. + +VERNON. What does she want with Mrs. Bennet? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I can't think. + +The atmosphere is somewhat that of a sheepfold before a thunderstorm. +The Misses Wetherell are still clinging to one another. Vernon and +Dr. Freemantle are both watching Fanny. Jane, Honoria, and Ernest +are still busy about the room. + +Suddenly, to Newte--who is standing apart--the whole thing comes with +a rush. But it is too late for him to interfere. + +Mrs. Bennet, followed by Bennet, are entering the room. He shrugs +his shoulders and turns away. + +MRS. BENNET. Your ladyship sent for me? + +FANNY. Yes. [She half turns--holds out a paper.] This wages sheet +is quite correct, I take it? It is your own. + +MRS. BENNET [she takes it]. Quite correct. + +FANNY [she tears out a cheque she has written--hands it to Mrs. +Bennet]. You will find there two months' wages for the entire +family. I have made it out in a lump sum payable to your husband. +The other month is in lieu of notice. [A silence. The thing strikes +them all dumb. She puts the cheque-book back and closes the drawer. +She rises.] I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding. It's time +that it ended. It has been my own fault. [To Vernon] I deceived +you about my family - + +NEWTE. If there's been any deceit - + +FANNY. My scene, please, George. [Newte, knowing her, returns to +silence.] I have no relations outside this country that I know of. +My uncle is Martin Bennet, your butler. Mrs. Bennet is my aunt. I'm +not ashamed of them. If they'd had as much respect for me as I have +for them, this trouble would not have arisen. We don't get on +together, that's all. And this seems to me the only way out. As I +said before, I'm sorry. + +VERNON [recovering speech]. But why did you--? + +FANNY [her control gives way. She breaks out]. Oh, because I've +been a fool. It's the explanation of most people's muddles, I +expect, if they only knew it. Don't talk to me, anybody. I've got +nothing more to say. [To Bennet] I'm sorry. You wouldn't give me a +chance. I'd have met you half way. [To Mrs. Bennet] I'm sorry. +Don't be too hard on me. It won't mean much trouble to you. Good +servants don't go begging. You can depend upon me for a character. +[To Jane] You'll do much better for yourselves elsewhere. [To +Honoria] Don't let that pretty face of yours ever get you into +trouble. [To Ernest] Good-bye, Ernest. We were always pals, +weren't we? Good-bye. [She kisses him. It has all been the work of +a moment. She comes down again.] Don't think me rude, but I'd like +to be alone. We can talk calmly about it all to-morrow morning. [To +the Misses Wetherell] I'm so awfully sorry. I wish I could have +seen any other way out. [The tears are streaming from her eyes. To +Vernon] Take them all away, won't you, dear? We'll talk about it +all to-morrow. I'll feel gooder. [She kisses him. To Dr. +Freemantle] Take them all away. Tell him it wasn't all my fault. +[To Newte] You'll have to stop the night. There are no more trains. +I'll see you in the morning. Good night. + +Bennet has collected his troop. Leads them away. Dr. Freemantle, +kindly and helpful, takes off Vernon and the two ladies. + +NEWTE [he grips her hand, and speaks in his short, growling way]. +Good night, old girl. [He follows the others out.] + +FANNY [crosses towards the windows. Her chief business is dabbing +her eyes. The door closes with a click. She turns. She puts her +handkerchief away. She looks at the portrait of Constance, first +Lady Bantock]. I believe it's what you've been telling me to do, all +the time. + +[CURTAIN] + + + +ACT IV + + + +SCENE + +The same. The blinds are down. Ashes fill the grate. + +Time.--Early the next morning. + +The door opens softly. Newte steals in. He fumbles his way across +to the windows, draws the blinds. The morning sun streams in. He +listens--no one seems to be stirring. He goes out, returns +immediately with a butler's tray, containing all things necessary for +a breakfast and the lighting of a fire. He places the tray on table, +throws his coat over a chair, and is on his knees busy lighting the +fire, when enter the Misses Wetherell, clad in dressing-gowns and +caps: yet still they continue to look sweet. They also creep in, +hand in hand. The crouching Newte is hidden by a hanging fire- +screen. They creep forward till the coat hanging over the chair +catches their eye. They are staring at it as Robinson Crusoe might +at the footprint, when Newte rises suddenly and turns. The Misses +Wetherell give a suppressed scream, and are preparing for flight. + +NEWTE [he stays them]. No call to run away, ladies. When a man's +travelled--as I have--across America, in a sleeping-car, with a +comic-opera troop, there's not much left for him to know. You want +your breakfast! [He wheedles them to the table.] We'll be able to +talk cosily--before anybody else comes. + +They yield themselves. He has a way with him. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We haven't slept all night. + +Newte answers with a sympathetic gesture. He is busy getting ready +the breakfast. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. There's something we want to tell dear +Vernon--before he says anything to Fanny. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It's something very important. + +NEWTE. We'll have a cup of tea first--to steady our nerves. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. It's so important that we should tell +him before he sees Fanny. + +NEWTE. We'll see to it. [He makes the tea.] I fancy they're both +asleep at present. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Poor boy! + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. If she only hadn't - + +Dr. Freemantle has entered. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. I thought I heard somebody stirring - + +NEWTE. Hush! [He indicates doors, the one leading to her ladyship's +apartments, the other to his lordship's.] + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [turning and greeting him]. It was so +kind of you not to leave us last night. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We were so upset. + +Dr. Freemantle pats their hands. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We hope you slept all right. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Excellently. Shall be glad of a shave, that's all. +[Laughs. Both he and Newte suggest the want of one.] + +NEWTE [who has been officiating]. Help yourself to milk and sugar. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [who has seated himself]. Have the Bennets gone? + +NEWTE. Well, they had their notice all right. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [they have begun to cry]. It has been so +wrong and foolish of us. We have never learnt to do anything for +ourselves. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We don't even know where our things are. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. They can't all have gone--the whole twenty-three of +them, at a couple of hours' notice. [To Newte] Haven't seen any of +them, have you? + +NEWTE. No sign of any of them downstairs. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Oh, they must be still here. Not up, I suppose. It +isn't seven o'clock yet. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But they have all been discharged. We +can't ask them to do anything. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [to her sister]. And the Grimstones are +coming to lunch with the new curate. Vernon asked them on Sunday. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Perhaps there's something cold. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Vernon so dislikes a cold lunch. + +DR. FREEMANTLE [to Newte]. Were you able to get hold of Vernon last +night? + +NEWTE. Waited up till he came in about two o'clock. Merely answered +that he wasn't in a talkative mood--brushed past me and locked +himself in. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. He wouldn't say anything to me either. Rather a bad +sign when he won't talk. + +NEWTE. What's he likely to do? + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Don't know. Of course it will be all over the +county. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And dear Vernon is so sensitive. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. It had to come--the misfortune IS - + +NEWTE. The misfortune IS that people won't keep to their own line of +business. Why did he want to come fooling around her? She was doing +well for herself. She could have married a man who would have +thought more of her than all the damn fools in the county put +together. Why couldn't he have left her alone? + +DR. FREEMANTLE [he is sitting at the head of the table, between Newte +on his right and the Misses Wetherell on his left. He lays his hand +on Newte's sleeve--with a smile]. I'm sure you can forgive a man-- +with eyes and ears in his head--for having fallen in love with her. + +NEWTE. Then why doesn't he stand by her? What if her uncle is a +butler? If he wasn't a fool, he'd be thanking his stars that 'twas +anything half as respectable. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. I'm not defending him--we're not sure yet that he +needs any defence. He has married a clever, charming girl of--as you +say--a better family than he'd any right to expect. The misfortune +is, that--by a curious bit of ill-luck--it happens to be his own +butler. + +NEWTE. If she takes my advice, she'll return to the stage. No sense +stopping where you're not wanted. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But how can she? + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You see, they're married! + +DR. FREEMANTLE [to change the subject]. You'll take an egg? + +Newte has been boiling some. He has just served them. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [rejecting it]. Thank you. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We're not feeling hungry. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He was so fond of her. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She was so pretty. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. And so thoughtful. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. One would never have known she was an +actress. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. If only she hadn't - + +Bennet has entered. Newte is at fireplace. The old ladies have +their backs to the door. Dr. Freemantle, who is pouring out tea, is +the first to see him. He puts down the teapot, staring. The old +ladies look round. A silence. Newte turns. Bennet is again the +perfect butler. Yesterday would seem to have been wiped out of his +memory. + +BENNET. Good morning, Miss Wetherell. Good morning, Miss Edith. +[To the two men] Good morning. I was not aware that breakfast was +required to be any earlier than usual, or I should have had it ready. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We are sure you would, Bennet. But you +see, under the circumstances, we--we hardly liked to trouble you. + +BENNET [he goes about the room, putting things to rights. He has +rung the bell. Some dead flowers he packs on to Newte's tray, the +water he pours into Newte's slop-basin]. My duty, Miss Edith, I have +never felt to be a trouble to me. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. We know, Bennet. You have always been so +conscientious. But, of course, after what's happened--[They are on +the verge of tears again.] + +BENNET [he is piling up the breakfast things]. Keziah requested me +to apologise to you for not having heard your bell this morning. She +will be ready to wait upon you in a very few minutes. [To the +Doctor] You will find shaving materials, doctor, on your dressing- +table. + +DR. FREEMANTLE. Oh, thank you. + +Ernest has entered, with some wood; he is going towards the fire. + +BENNET [to Ernest]. Leave the fire for the present. Take away this +tray. [Ernest takes up the tray, and goes out. Bennet speaks over +the heads of the Misses Wetherell to Newte] Breakfast will be ready +in the morning-room, in a quarter of an hour. + +NEWTE [at first puzzled, then indignant, now breaks out]. What's the +little game on here--eh? Yesterday afternoon you were given the +sack--by your mistress, Lady Bantock, with a month's wages in lieu of +notice--not an hour before you deserved it. What do you mean, going +on like this, as if nothing had happened? Is Lady Bantock to be +ignored in this house as if she didn't exist--or is she not? [He +brings his fist down on the table. He has been shouting rather than +speaking.] I want this thing settled! + +BENNET. Your bath, Mr. Newte, is quite ready. + +NEWTE [as soon as he can recover speech]. Never you mind my bath, I +want - + +Vernon has entered. He is pale, heavy-eyed, short in his manner, +listless. + +VERNON. Good morning--everybody. Can I have some breakfast, Bennet? + +BENNET. In about ten minutes; I will bring it up here. [He collects +the kettle from the fire as he passes, and goes out.] + +VERNON. Thank you. [He responds mechanically to the kisses of his +two aunts, who have risen and come to him.] + +NEWTE. Can I have a word with you? + +VERNON. A little later on, if you don't mind, Mr. Newte. [He passes +him.] + +NEWTE [he is about to speak, changes his mind]. All right, go your +own way. [Goes out.] + +DR. FREEMANTLE. "Remember", says Marcus Aurelius - + +VERNON. Yes--good old sort, Marcus Aurelius. [He drops listlessly +into a chair.] + +Dr. Freemantle smiles resignedly, looks at the Misses Wetherell, +shrugs his shoulders, and goes out, closing the door after him. + +The Misses Wetherell whisper together--look round cautiously, steal +up behind him, encouraging one another. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She's so young. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. And so adaptable. + +VERNON [he is sitting, bowed down, with his face in his hands]. Ah, +it was the deception. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL [she puts her old thin hand on his +shoulder]. What would you have done, dear, if she had told you--at +first? + +VERNON [he takes her hand in his--answers a little brokenly]. I +don't know. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. There's something we wanted to tell you. +[He looks at her. They look across at each other.] The first Lady +Bantock, your great-grandmamma - + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. She danced with George III. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She was a butcher's daughter. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He was quite a little butcher. + +THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. Of course, as a rule, dear, we never +mention it. + +THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We felt you ought to know. [They take +each other's hands; on tip-toe they steal out. They close the door +softly behind them.] + +Vernon rises. He looks at the portrait--draws nearer to it. With +his hands in his pockets, stops dead in front of it, and contemplates +it in silence. The door of the dressing-room opens. Fanny enters. +She is dressed for going out. She stands for a moment, the door in +her hand. Vernon turns. She closes the door and comes forward. + +VERNON. Good morning. + +FANNY. Good morning. George stayed the night, didn't he? + +VERNON. Yes. He's downstairs now. + +FANNY. He won't be going for a little while? + +VERNON. Can't till the ten o'clock train. Have you had breakfast? + +FANNY. I--I've had something to eat. I'm sorry for what I did last +night--although they did deserve it. [Laughs.] I suppose it's a +matter than can easily be put right again. + +VERNON. You have no objection to their staying? + +FANNY. Why should I? + +VERNON. What do you mean? + +FANNY. There's only one hope of righting a mistake. And that is +going back to the point from where one went wrong--and that was our +marriage. + +[A moment.] + +VERNON. We haven't given it a very long trial. + +FANNY [with an odd smile]. It went to pieces at the first. I was in +trouble all last night; you must have known it. You left me alone. + +VERNON. Jane told me you had locked yourself in. + +FANNY. You never tried the door for yourself, dear. [She pretends +to rearrange something on the mantelpiece--any excuse to turn away +her face for a moment. She turns to him again, smiling.] It was a +mistake, the whole thing. You were partly to blame. You were such a +nice boy. I "fancied" you--to use George's words. [She laughs.] +And when a woman wants a thing, she is apt to be a bit unscrupulous +about how she gets it. [She moves about the room, touching the +flowers, rearranging a cushion, a vase.] I didn't invent the bishop; +that was George's embroidery. [Another laugh.] But, of course, I +ought to have told you everything myself. I ought not to have wanted +a man to whom it would have made one atom of difference whether my +cousins were scullery-maids or not. Somehow, I felt that to you it +might. [Vernon winces.] It's natural enough. You have a big +position to maintain. I didn't know you were a lord--that was your +doing. George did find it out, but he never told me; least of all, +that you were Lord Bantock--or you may be pretty sure I should have +come out with the truth, if only for my own sake. It hasn't been any +joke for me, coming back here. + +VERNON. Yes. I can see they've been making things pretty hard for +you. + +FANNY. Oh, they thought they were doing their duty. [He is seated. +She comes up behind him, puts her hands on his shoulders.] I want +you to take them all back again. I want to feel I have made as +little commotion in your life as possible. It was just a little +mistake. And everybody will say how fortunate it was that she took +herself off so soon with that--[She was about to say "that theatrical +Johnny," thinking of Newte. She checks herself.] And you will marry +somebody belonging to your own class. And those are the only +sensible marriages there are. + +VERNON. Have you done talking? + +FANNY. Yes! Yes, I think that's all. + +VERNON. Then perhaps you'll let me get in a word. You think me a +snob? [Fanny makes a movement.] As a matter of fact, I am. + +FANNY. No, that's not fair. You wouldn't have married a girl off +the music-hall stage. + +VERNON. Niece of a bishop, cousin to a judge. Whether I believed it +or not, doesn't matter. The sham that isn't likely to be found out +is as good as the truth, to a snob. If he had told me your uncle was +a butler, I should have hesitated. That's where the mistake began. +We'll go back to that. Won't you sit down? [Fanny sits.] I want +you to stop. There'll be no mistake this time. I'm asking my +butler's niece to do me the honour to be my wife. + +FANNY. That's kind of you. + +VERNON. Oh, I'm not thinking of you. I'm thinking of myself. I +want you. I fell in love with you because you were pretty and +charming. There's something else a man wants in his wife besides +that. I've found it. [He jumps up, goes over to her, brushing aside +things in his way.] I'm not claiming it as a right; you can go if +you like. You can earn your own living, I know. But you shan't have +anybody else. You'll be Lady Bantock and nobody else--as long as I +live. [He has grown quite savage.] + +FANNY [she bites her lip to keep back the smile that wants to come]. +That cuts both ways, you know. + +VERNON. I don't want anybody else. + +FANNY [she stretches out her hand and lays it on his]. Won't it be +too hard for you? You'll have to tell them all--your friends-- +everybody. + +VERNON. They've got to be told in any case. If you are here, for +them to see, they'll be able to understand--those that have got any +sense. + +Bennet comes in with breakfast, for two, on a tray. He places it on +a table. + +FANNY [she has risen, she goes over to him]. Good morning, uncle. +[She puts up her face. He stares, but she persists. Bennet kisses +her.] Lord Bantock--[she looks at Vernon]--has a request to make to +you. He wishes me to remain here as his wife. I am willing to do +so, provided you give your consent. + +VERNON. Quite right, Bennet. I ought to have asked for it before. +I apologise. Will you give your consent to my marriage with your +niece? + +FANNY. One minute. You understand what it means? From the moment +you give it--if you do give it--I shall be Lady Bantock, your +mistress. + +BENNET. My dear Fanny! My dear Vernon! I speak, for the first and +last time, as your uncle. I am an old-fashioned person, and my +ideas, I have been told, are those of my class. But observation has +impressed it upon me that success in any scheme depends upon each +person being fit for their place. Yesterday, in the interests of you +both, I should have refused my consent. To-day, I give it with +pleasure, feeling sure I am handing over to Lord Bantock a wife in +every way fit for her position. [Kissing her, he gives her to +Vernon, who grips his hand. He returns to the table.] Breakfast, +your ladyship, is quite ready. + +They take their places at the table. Fanny takes off her hat, Bennet +takes off the covers. + +[CURTAIN] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext Fanny and the Servant Problem, by Jerome + diff --git a/old/fnysp10.zip b/old/fnysp10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eba2663 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/fnysp10.zip |