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diff --git a/27967.txt b/27967.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..98702c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/27967.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2007 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +September 30, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 30, 1914 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Owen Seaman + +Release Date: February 2, 2009 [eBook #27967] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914*** + + +E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 27967-h.htm or 27967-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967/27967-h/27967-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967/27967-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 147 + +SEPTEMBER 30, 1914 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The German troops which started out for a "pleasure trip" to Paris are +now reported, owing, no doubt, to the influence of British environment, +to be taking their pleasures sadly. + + * * * + +Several reasons have been given for the destruction of Rheims Cathedral. +The real one is now said to be the following. Owing to the Red Cross +Flag being flown from one of the towers the Germans thought the building +was only a hospital. + + * * * + +A Scotsman gifted with much native humour wishes it to be known how glad +he is to see that the Frenchmen have been getting their Aisne back. + + * * * + +It is reported that the KAISER is proceeding to East Prussia to assume +the chief command there. In Petrograd the news is only credited by +extreme optimists. + + * * * + +It does not say much for the enterprise of our English newspapers that +we should have had to go all the way to India for a reference to what +must have been an exceedingly clever capture of one of the enemy. "As +the war progresses," says _The Times of India_ of the 20th ult., "the +stories of German brutality become more and more frequent. One instance +is shown in a letter from a German soldier captured in a mail-bag in +Lorraine." + + * * * + +We have always held that the Turkish sense of humour has been +underrated. A leading Ottoman statesman has told _Der Tag_ (the +newspaper of that name: the real thing has not turned up yet): "We only +fear for Germany one thing--her magnanimity towards the conquered, a +quality which she shares with the great Turkish conquerors of the past." + + * * * + +There is reported to be an uneasy feeling among the poor in our big +towns that, if hard times should come, an attempt will be made to foist +on them many of the weirder garments which kind-hearted ladies have been +making for the troops. + + * * * + +The attention of the public is being directed to the value of fish as a +food, in contradistinction, we suppose, to its remarkable qualities as a +perfume. + + * * * + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S statement that "The Prussian Junker is the road-hog +of modern Europe" has, we hear, had a curious and satisfactory sequel. +Large numbers of adepts in the art of pig-sticking are joining the +Sportsmans' Battalion which is now in process of formation. + + * * * + +Not the least encouraging result of the War would seem to be that it has +put a stopper on decadent ideas as to dress. Mlle. GABY DESLYS, we read, +found herself unable to begin her season at the Palace the week before +last as her dresses were delayed in Paris. + + * * * + +A London-born Italian organ-grinder who was plying his trade in Wales +has, _The Express_ tells us, enlisted in Lord KITCHENER'S Army for +foreign service, and has left his organ in charge of the recruiting +officer at Barmouth. A pity. It should have made a powerful weapon to +use against the enemy. + + * * * + +So much has been written about the brutality of the Germans that it +seems only fair to draw attention to an act of humanity on their part. +Steps have been taken at Stuttgart, at any rate, to protect prisoners +against annoyance. "It is," runs a proclamation, "rigorously forbidden +for any woman to cast amorous glances at British and French prisoners." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: TAKING NO RISKS. + + * * * * * + +A HAUNT OF ANCIENT PEACE. + +The young man who had come into this quiet room looked round him with a +sigh of relief at finding it empty. It was a large room, and he knew it +well. Usually a little sombre and even oppressive of aspect, to-day it +seemed filled only with an atmosphere of kindly security and +benevolence. He noticed (being sensitive to such impressions) that in +some strange way this restful atmosphere seemed to emanate from the +large table, covered with illustrated papers and magazines, that stood +in the centre. He approached it and, drawing up a chair, began to take +the papers one after another into his hands. + +Then he understood. Gradually, as he read, the nightmare that life had +lately become faded away from him, and he saw himself once more +surrounded by the sane and gentle interests that had been familiar to +him from childhood. In one paper he read how such and such Duchesses +were preparing yacht-parties for Cowes, and of the thrilling triumphs of +the Russian ballet. Another told him that the Government was a +collection of craven imbeciles, and that the price of rubber continued +disappointing. He saw photographs of golf-champions and ladies in the +chorus of musical comedies. One paper had a picture representing the +state entry into somewhere or other of a--a German Royalty. The uniforms +in this caused him a momentary uneasiness, as of a light sleeper who +stirs in his dream and seems about to wake. Then he turned the page, and +the dream closed upon him again as he contemplated an illustrated +solution of the problem "Where shall we spend our summer holidays?" + +He sighed contentedly and went on turning the pages, here reading a +paragraph, here merely glancing at pictures or headlines. Thus the hours +passed. How peaceful it was in this quiet room! And this table of +literature, strange that never before had he appreciated its subtle +charm.... + +Long afterwards, when they came to seek him, he was found asleep, a +happy smile upon his face, and his weary head fallen forward amid the +two-months-old newspapers of the dentist's waiting-room. + + * * * * * + +AN IMPERIAL OVERTURE. + + [_From notes taken by a British airman while engaged in hovering + over the KAISER'S headquarters at ----. The name of the place is + excised because the Press Bureau Authorities do not wish the KAISER + to be informed of his own whereabouts._] + + Now let an awful silence hold the field, + And everybody else's mouth be sealed; + For lo! your KAISER (sound the warning gong!) + Prepares to loose his clarion lips in song. + + In time of War the poet gets his chance, + When even wingless Pegasi will prance; + Yet We, whose pinions oft outsoared the crow's, + Have hitherto confined Ourself to prose. + But who shall doubt that We could sing as well as + That Warrior-bard TYRTAEUS, late of Hellas, + Who woke the Spartans up with words and chorus + Twenty-six centuries B.U. (Before Us)? + Also, since Truth is near allied to Beauty, + We are convinced that We shall prove more fluty + Than certain British scribes whom We have read + (Recently published by The Bodley Head). + + Well, then, it is Our purpose to inflame + Our soldiers' arteries with lust of fame; + To give them something in the lyric line + That shall be tantamount to fumes of wine, + Yet not too heady, like the champagne (sweet) + That lately left them dormant in the street, + So that the British, coming up just then, + Took them for swine and not for gentlemen. + + Rather we look to brace them, soul and limb, + With something in the nature of a hymn, + Which they may chant, assisted by the band, + While working backwards to the Fatherland. + Put to the air of _Deutschland ueber alles_ + Or else to one of Our own sacred ballets, + The lilt of it should leave their hearts so fiery + That at the finish they would make enquiry-- + "What would our ATTILA to-day have done?" + And, crying "Havoc!" go and play the Hun. + For there are some cathedrals standing yet, + And heavy is the task to Culture set, + Ere We may lay aside the holy rod + Made to chastise the foes of Us and God. + + And now that We are fairly in the vein + Let Us proceed to build the lofty strain. + Ho! bid the Muse to enter and salute + The burnished toe of Our Imperial boot! + Hush! guns! and, ye howitzers, cease your fire! + We, WILLIAM, are about to sound the lyre! + + O. S. + + _Note._--Unfortunately the actual composition of which + this is the preface has been censored, as likely to have a + disintegrating effect upon the discipline of our forces at + the front. + + * * * * * + + THE TWO VOICES. + + "It was Mr. Will Crooks, the well-known Labour member, who + asked the Chairman if the House might sing 'God Save the King,' + and when Mr. Crooks started it in his deep bass voice everyone stood + up and joined in the singing."--_Westminster Gazette._ + + "Moreover, Mr. Crooks had pitched the tune a little too high, and + it seemed for a moment that he with his rich high tenor voice would + have to sing the anthem as a solo."--_Daily Chronicle._ + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. II. + + (_From the Rev. Dr. DRYANDER, Court Chaplain._) + + MOST ALLGRACIOUS SIR,--Now that I have finished + writing my sermon for next Sunday I can find time for a + little quiet sound thinking by way of a change. I can say + quite seriously that I am tired to death of writing and + preaching sermons. It is not permitted, highly honoured + EMPEROR, that in my sermon I say anything displeasing to + your Imperial self. I must not remind you that you are a + man like other men, a man liable to weakness and error, + swayed by temper, capable, since your position gives you + power, of trampling on the rights of others in a moment of + passion, of confounding justice with your own desires and + of mistaking the promptings of ambition or malice or envy + for an inspiration from Heaven itself. No, I must not say + all this or any of it, but, on the contrary, I must describe + you to yourself and your family and the chosen intimates + who flatter you beyond even my power to flatter, I must + describe you, I say, as the Lord's, anointed, as the vice-gerent + of God on earth, as being raised by God's favour + above all human foibles, in short, as being supremely right + and just whenever your faults and your injustice cry aloud + for the divine punishment. Even if you were a thoroughly + good and sensible man, _totus teres atque rotundus_, instead + of being a bundle of caprice and prejudice, the task would + be difficult. As it is, it is unpleasant and ought to be impossible. + My sermons exist to prove that I have attempted + it with such courage as I could command, although in these + conditions courage is only another name for the cowardly + compliance that causes a man to detest himself and to take + a low view of human nature. + + At any rate I have done my best for you. How many + times have I not bidden the faithful to fall down before you + and worship you? Have I not proved from Holy Scripture + that your lightest word is spoken, not by you, but by the + Almighty; that you, in fact, are something higher and + better in bones and flesh and blood and brains than anything + that mere ordinary mortals can pretend to be? I can + see you nodding your head in Imperial approval when such + phrases came from me, and all the time I knew in my + heart that the God of whom you were thinking, and to + whose intimacy you pretended, was not the God under + whom a Christian minister takes service, but a being + formed after the image of a Prussian drill-sergeant who + wears a pointed helmet and a turned-up moustache. + + Sir, I have my doubts as to this fearful war in which we + are engaged. You entered upon it, you say, to carry out + your treaty obligations to Austria. Treaties, no doubt, are + sacred things. But why, then, was not the treaty obligation + to Belgium as sacred as that with Austria? Was it + because Belgium was weak and (as you thought) defenceless + that you invaded her country, slaughtered her people, + and sacked her towns? Was this the reason for the foul + treatment of Louvain? And is it agreeable, do you think, + to the Almighty that the glorious Cathedral of Rheims + should be bombarded and ruined even by German shells? + + When the years have rolled on and you shall have been + called away to render an account of what you did on earth, + for what reasons will you be remembered amongst men? + Not because you established justice and did good deeds--or + even great ones--for your people, but because you + plunged the world in war in order to feed your vanity, + and laid waste Belgium and shattered the Cathedral of + Rheims. Truly a shining memory. + + Yours, in all humility, + DRYANDER. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: BOER AND BRITON TOO. + +GENERAL BOTHA (_composing telegram to the KAISER_). "JUST OFF TO REPEL +ANOTHER RAID. YOUR CUSTOMARY WIRE OF CONGRATULATION SHOULD BE ADDRESSED: +'BRITISH HEADQUARTERS--GERMAN SOUTH-WEST AFRICA.'" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Incredulous friend_ (_to soldier invalided home_). +"WHAT--YOU CAPTURED TEN GERMANS BY YOURSELF? GOOD GRACIOUS! HOW DID YOU +DO IT?" + +_Tommy._ "I JUST SHOUTED OUT 'WAITER!' AND THEY CAME ALONG." + + * * * * * + +THE LAST LINE. + +I. + +We are the last line of defence. When the Regular Army and the Reserve +Army and the new Million Army and the Indian Army and the Overseas Army +and the Territorial Army are all entering Berlin together, then the +defence of England (we hope) will rest entirely upon us. There are not +many of us, as armies go nowadays, but there ought to be one apiece for +all the towns round the coast, and what we lack in numbers we shall make +up for in pride. + +We are the last line of defence. We all have wives or defective retinas +or birthdays previous to 1879, or something that binds us together +unofficially. Our motto from Monday to Friday is, "Soldier and Civilian +too," and in camp at week-ends, "Remember Przemysl." At present we have +no uniforms, to the disgust of our wives; but they are coming. Opinion +is divided as to whether we want them to come. Some say that, clad in +khaki, we shall get admiring glances from the women and envious glances +from the small boys which are not really our due; our proud spirit +rebels against the idea of marching through London in false colours. +James says that, seeing that a soldier is only a soldier, and that he +himself (James) is a special constable from 4 A.M. to 8, a dashed +hard-working solicitor from 9.30 to 5, and a soldier from 5.30 to 7, not +to mention the whole week-end, he jolly well expects all the admiration +he can get; and that, if any small boy cheers him under the impression +that he is only a Territorial, he is doing him a confounded injustice. +Perhaps a tail-coat and khaki breeches would best meet the case. + +Then we come to the question of rifles. There are at this moment +thousands of men in the Army who have no rifles. Whole battalions of new +recruits are unarmed. Our battalion is not unarmed; it has a rifle. We +have all seen it; those of us who have been on guard through the cold +dark hours of Saturday-Sunday have even carried it--respectfully, as +becomes a man who thanks Heaven that it is not loaded. Our pride in it +is enormous. Were a sudden night attack by Zeppelins made upon our camp, +the battalion would rally as one man round the old rifle, and fling +boots at the invader until the last pair of ammunition gave out. Then, +spiking the Lee-Enfield, so that it should be useless if it fell into +the hands of the enemy, we should retire barefoot and in good order, +James busily jotting down notes of our last testamentary +dispositions.... + +But, of course, we know that the invaders will not come yet. Meanwhile +much can be learnt without arms (_cf._ "Infantry Training" _passim_--a +book we all carry in our pockets), and we have the promise of enough +rifles for a company in three weeks. When the last lot of German +prisoners begins to land we shall be ready for them. + +We get plenty of encouragement; indeed we feel that the authorities have +a special eye upon us. To give an example. We paraded the other night +and were inspected by a General--tut-tut, a couple of Generals. One of +them addressed us afterwards and gave us to understand that, having seen +the flower of the Continental armies at work, he was, even so, hardly +prepared for the extraordinary--and so on; which made James throw out +his lower chest a couple of inches further than usual. Whereupon the +Admiralty airship hurried up and, flying slowly over us, inspected us +from the top. I say nothing of what James must have looked like from the +top; what I say is that not many battalions are inspected by two +Generals and an airship simultaneously. We are grateful to the +authorities. + +Just at present our fault is over-keenness. On our first Sunday in camp +our company commander stood us to attention and asked for three +volunteers--for some unnamed forlorn hope. The whole company advanced +two paces. He took the first three in the first platoon and handed them +over to a sergeant. They were marched off on their perilous mission with +nine men from other companies. The dauntless twelve. We that were left +behind composed explanations to our wives, making it quite clear that we +had volunteered, but pointing out that, as only twelve could go, they +had probably chosen the ugliest ones first. Our three heroes rejoined us +during an "easy" an hour later. The forlorn hope, had been to dig a hole +and bury all the unused fragments of last night's supper--the gristly +bits.... And now, when three volunteers are called for, the whole +company remains rooted to attention. It is our keenness again; we are +here to drill; to form fours, to march, to wheel; we want to learn to be +soldiers, not dustmen. + +But naturally we differ in our ideas upon the best way to +learn--particularly in regard to night-work. What James says is, "Why be +uncomfortable in camp? If I could do anything for my country between the +hours of 10.30 P.M. and 5.30 A.M., I would do it gladly. But if my +country, speaking through the gentleman who commands my platoon, tells +me to retire to my tent with the fourteen loudest-breathers in +Middlesex, I may at least _try_ to get a little bit of sleep." So he +brings with him two air-cushions, a pillow, three blankets and a pair of +bed-socks, and does his best. On the other hand, John says, "When one is +on active service one has to sleep anywhere. Unless I am preparing for +that moment, what am I here for at all?" So he disdains the use of +straw, selects the hardest brick he can find for his head, and wraps +himself up in a single coat. And I doubt if he sleeps worse than James. +Personally, I lie awake all night listening to the snores of the others +and envying them their repose ... and I find that they all say they have +been doing the same. + +It was James, by the way, who created such a sensation the first time he +appeared on parade with all his impedimenta. There was a shout of +laughter from the company--and then a quiet voice behind me said +reflectively, "He decided _not_ to bring the parrot." + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + + "There is a story here of a reservist, arriving from the provinces, + who saw on the Nevsky a brilliantly lighted picture palace, and + took off his hat before it and crossed himself devoutly. The point + of that story is that the man, when pointed out to me on the + parade-ground, was working in rubber gloves upon the installation + of field wireless apparatus."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +Ha-ha! (Yes, just for a moment it escaped us). _Ha-ha!_ HA-HA-HA! + + * * * * * + +VALHALLA. + +(_A vision and a protest._) + + I saw in the night unbroken, + In the land the daylight shuns, + At their long tables oaken + The Sea-kings and the Huns. + + Strong arms had they for smiting, + To them death only gave + More feasting and more fighting, + More plunder for the brave. + + Scant use had they for pleaders, + They boasted of their war, + The pitiless bright-eyed leaders, + And their battle-god was Thor. + + And "When this right hand falters," + Quoth one, "the soul is fled;" + "And I made so many altars + Ruinous," this one said. + + And lo! as they sat and vaunted + Across the mist of the years, + There came to them one that flaunted + The helm of the war-god's peers. + + A little shape and a mightless, + And the strong men laughed and roared: + "Is our father Odin sightless + That bade _him_ share the board? + + "From what realms spoilt and plundered, + From what shrines burnt art come? + Has thine hand hewed and thundered + On the crosses of Christendom?" + + And he said, "I too had legions, + I fouled where ye defiled, + I trod in the selfsame regions + And warred on woman and child. + + "Tricked out in my shining armour + And riding behind my Huns, + I harried the priest and farmer, + I followed the smoking guns." + + But the kings cried out and shouted + As they drained the sweetened mead: + "Was it thus that the Franks were routed, + When we made Europe bleed? + + "This king with a leaden rattle + And death that comes from afar, + What pride hath he of the battle? + What lust to maim or mar? + + "The loot and the red blood running + Were the only signs we saw; + But the gods that gave thee cunning + Have also given thee law." + + And a Northman spake: "With seven + Fair churches when I died + I had paved my path to heaven; + Their pillage was my pride. + + "I tore the saints from their niches + With the red hands of my rage;" + But what hast thou in thy ditches + To do with a craftless age? + + "Thou hast felt no Viking's starkness; + Thou hast lost a Christian's throne." + And they drove him forth in the darkness + To find a place of his own. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +THE SILENCE OF WAR. + +I have a confession to make. Once in the happy far-off days--it seems +ages since--I was bored by my fellow-passengers' conversation in the +train. I daresay that they were equally bored by mine; but against that +view there is the fact that this is my confession and not theirs. Well, +I am punished now. I admit that I would give a good deal to hear +Griffith's story of how he did the dog-leg hole in three again. There +sits Griffith opposite to me, and no one would know that he had ever +handled a club. He has become a golf-mute. + +Or think of Purvis. The recital of the performances of Purvis's new car +lent an additional terror to railway travelling. I have forgotten the +very make of his car now. I cannot particularise the number of its +cylinders or say if it is electrically started. Purvis is +conversationally punctured. + +There was, too, one recalls, an Insurance Act. Wilson felt a special +grievance because he employed an aged gardener, out of charity, two days +a week. He talked, if I remember correctly, about a cruel fourpence and +a mythical ninepence. He read fierce letters he had composed for the +Press, and when the papers published them, which was seldom, he read +them to us all over again. As an anti-insurance agitator Wilson now +comes under the unemployment section of the accursed Act. + +And the strange people who intruded with third-class tickets, and +trampled on our toes, and smoked shag, and talked repulsively about the +Cockspurs and Chelsea's new purchase from Oldham Athletic, and gave each +other "dead certs" of appalling incertitude, and passed remarks which to +my mind showed a shocking lack of respect for the upper and middle +classes! We were not one class in those times. + +May it all come back to us soon--all the old chatter! Come back to us, +Sir THOMAS LIPTON and the Cup! Come back to us, GLOOMY DEAN! Come back +to us, Ninepence for Fourpence. Come back to us, "dead certs" and "also +rans." Come back golf and motor-cars. Come back, Wicked Government and +Wicked Opposition. Life is too painfully interesting now. I long to be +bored again. + +But it must be boredom with honour. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S WAR CORRESPONDENCE. + +NEW STYLE. + +Hearing that the German troops were advancing from the North-East along +the line Malines--Mons--Mezieres--Soissons--Verdun--Belfort, I +immediately made off due South-West for a reason I may not give. I +managed with the utmost difficulty to find someone to carry my kit, but +at length persuaded an old peasant whom I found weeding (probably the +last weeds he would ever dig) to act as my courier, and even then I had +to resort to the vulgar strategy of pretending to be a Uhlan. + +We joined the throng boarding an old motor-bus (6-1/2 h.p.). There was +nothing to show to outward appearance that the dreaded Germans were +within 250 miles of the little townlet where I found myself (name +suppressed). After booking my room at the only decent hotel in the +place, I cast about for something to eat. Alas, the only eatables were +roast duck and apple tart (the last probably we should ever see). I then +unpacked my kit, and after folding my riding breeches I placed them +under the mattress, wondering when I should take them out again. It is +curious how even the simplest necessities of life mechanically assert +themselves in the midst of the most strenuous and adventurous +circumstances. + +Troops, troops, troops, and yet again troops. And people still go on +living their daily lives. I saw two men seated in a _cafe_ playing +draughts, and they quarrelled over a move as though they had never heard +tell of the KAISER. Such is _la guerre_. I am rapidly polishing up my +French which I learnt at ----, how many years ago I may not say. + +We know little of the German plans, and that much it is useless for me +to communicate as the Censor is stopping all news of any interest. But +this we do know here in our little town of ---- that the KAISER will +undoubtedly defeat the English armies if he can. To-day I saw an officer +who had been sent back to count the milk-cans on a large dairy-farm +(probably the last cans he would ever count); as he clattered down the +road, mounted on his charger, I stepped in front of him and held up my +hand, in which was a recent copy of _The Daily Cry and Echo_. The +officer with difficulty stopped, as his horse reared on seeing the paper +in my hand. I then asked him where he would advise me to go, as I wanted +to be where the fire was hottest. He at once told me to go to (name +withheld). I often think of that gay young officer and wonder what he is +doing. + +To-night I sat up late (how late we used to sit up in London!) sewing a +button on my (word excised) and darning one of the legs. I am now +dashing this off to catch the morning post (probably the last post that +will ever leave for England). I could not sleep for thinking that in a +few days' time I may hear the boom-boom-boom of the German 17.44 guns, +the sound of which has been likened to a puppy yelping. Such is war. + +I hope later on to send an important document dealing with the +dispositions of the various armies engaged. I have been fortunate enough +to get a glimpse of plans not more than a month old which a Colonel of +Howitzers carelessly left in the pocket of his bathing-suit. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Mabel._ "MOTHER, DEAR! I DO HOPE THIS WAR WON'T BE OVER +BEFORE I FINISH MY SOCK!" + + * * * * * + + "HOT PURSUIT. + + BRITISH PRESS ON HEELS OF ENEMY." + + _People._ + +At last the British Press is getting to the front. + + * * * * * + +We are officially informed that, when every cat and dog in the German +Empire has been enrolled and armed, each cat will be allowed to provide +its own kit. + + * * * * * + + "Physically, Mr. Owen is a fine type, and his height is almost + double that of the originator of the Welsh Army Corps--the + Chancellor of the Exchequer.--_Western Mail._" + +If we allow Mr. OWEN a generous 8 feet, this would make Mr. LLOYD GEORGE +about 4 ft. 2 in. He _must_ be taller than that. + + * * * * * + +THE CHOICE. + +The scene was Maida Vale--in the home of Julius Blumenbach, an +Englishman of one generation. + +"Well, my dear," said Mr. Blumenbach on his return from his office, "it +won't do. The time has come to take the plunge. We have often talked +about it, but now we must act. Only this morning I received five letters +closing the account--all because of the name." + +"You know I have urged it on you often enough," said Mrs. Blumenbach. +"And not only have I thought it necessary, but my relatives have urged +it too." + +Mr. Blumenbach repressed a gesture of impatience. "I know, I know," he +said. "Well, we must do it. _The Times_ has a dozen notices of changed +names every day." + +"The question is what shall the new one be?" his wife replied. "We must +remember it's not only for ourselves and the business, but it will be so +much better for the boys, too, when they go to Eton. A good name--but +what?" + +"That's it," said Mr. Blumenbach. "That's the difficulty. Now I've got a +little list here. I have been jotting down names that took my fancy for +some time past. Of course there are many people who merely translate +their German names, but I think we ought to go farther than that. We +ought to be thorough while we are about it." + +"Yes, and let us be very careful," said Mrs. Blumenbach. "It's a great +responsibility--a critical moment. It's almost as critical as--for a +woman--marriage. Let us take a really nice name." + +"Of course," said her husband. "That goes without saying." + +"Yes," she continued, "but a name that goes well with 'Sir' or 'Lady.' +You never know, you know." + +"I don't see, myself, that 'Sir Julius Blumenbach' would sound so bad," +said her husband; "I've heard worse." + +"But 'Sir Julius Kitchener,' for example, would sound better," said Mrs. +Blumenbach. + +Mr. Blumenbach started. "You don't really suggest--" he began. + +"No, I don't," she replied. "But I want you to see that while we're +about it we may as well be thorough. If at the present moment we have a +name which is disliked here, how much wiser, when taking another, to +choose one which is popular!" + +"True," Mr. Blumenbach said. "But 'Kitchener.' Isn't that----" + +"Too far? Perhaps so," said his wife. "Then what about 'French'?" + +"A little too short," said her husband. "I favour three syllables." + +"Then 'Smith-Dorrien'?" + +"Oh, let's be shy of hyphens," he replied. + +"Why?" she asked. "I've always had rather a partiality for them. They're +very classy in England, too, as you would know if you were as English as +I am." + +"I am English!" said Mr. Blumenbach fiercely. + +"Yes, dear, but not quite so---- Still, let us pass that over. The point +is----" + +"No hyphens, anyway," said Mr. Blumenbach. "They're dangerous. They +carry too much family history. No, a straightforward plain name is best. +Like, say, 'Macdonald.'" + +"Scotch?" + +"Yes, why not?" + +"I hadn't been thinking that way," said Mrs. Blumenbach, "but I +agree--why not 'Sir Julius Macdonald'? Yes, that's all right." + +"Or 'Mackenzie'?" said Mr. Blumenbach, consulting his list. + +"I prefer 'Macdonald.'" + +"Or 'Macintosh'?" + +"No, no." + +"Or 'Abercrombie'?" + +"Too long." + +"'Lauder'?" + +"No, I think not." + +"He's very popular." + +"I know; but the music-hall? No," said Mrs. Blumenbach, taking up a pen, +"let it be 'Macdonald.'" She traced the name. "Good heavens!" she +exclaimed suddenly, dropping the pen and pushing away the paper with a +gesture of finality, "of course it can't be that." + +"Why ever not?" Mr. Blumenbach insisted. + +"Fancy you not knowing!" Mrs. Blumenbach replied. "You of all people! +Why, think of the linen and the silver--all the monograms. Everything +would have to be marked afresh. It must begin with B, of course." + +"Of course," said Mr. Blumenbach, mopping his brow as the terrible truth +broke on him, "of course! What an idiot I have been! Of course it must +begin with B. The expense!" + +"But fancy you not thinking of that!" Mrs. Blumenbach insisted. + +"Yes, fancy. It's worry over the war. I'm not myself." + +"Poor dear! You can't be," said his wife. "Well, what shall we do now?" + +"It's all right," said Mr. Blumenbach. "I'll go to the British Museum to +look out the B's in the Edinburgh Directory." + +"Do, dear, do!" said his wife, and he hurried for his hat. "Just to +think of you not thinking of that!" she repeated, as he bade her +farewell. + +"Yes, indeed!" he replied. "But it's the war, I'm sure. I'm sure it's +the war." + +Later in the day he returned, a potential Sir Julius Bannockburn. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Enthusiast_ (_explaining the situation_). "LET THIS 'ERE +MEAT-AXE BE THE RUSSIANS A-COMIN' IN ON THE EAST; THE CARVIN'-KNIFE'S +THE FRENCHIES ALONG 'ERE; OUR BOYS IS THE MUSTARD-POT; AND 'ERE'S THE +GERMANS--THIS 'ERE PLATE O' TRIPE." + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE GERMANISED. + +One touch of NIETZSCHE makes the whole world sin. + + * * * * * + +SOUND AND FURY. + +A double Dutch Agency circulates a report of a great patriotic concert +recently held in Berlin. The programme, which is printed on a mere scrap +of paper, was as follows:-- + +A +GRAND PRUSSIAN PATRIOTIC +CONCERT + +IN AID OF THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT +WAR FUND + +Will be held in the +DISMANTLED BRITISH EMBASSY. + + * * * + +PROGRAMME. + +I. + +SELECTION: +"Hail, Smiling Marne." +_Band of the Imperial Prussian Guard._ + +II. + +SONG: +"Father, dear Father, come Home with +me now." +_Words and music by +the GERMAN CROWN PRINCE._ + +III. + +BANJO RECITAL: +"The Sally of our Ally." +_Words and music by +the Emperor FRANCIS JOSEPH._ + +IV. + +CHORUS: +"Forty Years On." +_Setting arranged by +Count VON MOLTKE the Second._ + +V. + +SONG: +"Oft in the Stilly Night." +_Words and music by +COUNT ZEPPELIN, composer of +"What does little Birdie say?"_ + +VI. + +RECITAL: +"The Blue Carpathian Mountains." +_The Viennese Orchestra._ + +VII. + +HUMOROUS SONG: +"The Bonny Bonny Banks." +_Arranged by +the Imperial Minister of Finance._ + +VIII. + +SONG: +"And Nobody cares for Me!" +_Respectfully dedicated to +the GERMAN EMPEROR._ + +IX. + +GRAND PATRIOTIC CHORUS (in which +the audience is requested to join): + +"PRUSSIA EXPECTS THAT EVERY MAN +THIS DAY WILL GRAB HIS BOOTY." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "GREAT SCOTT! I MUST DO SOMETHING. DASHED IF I DON'T GET +SOME MORE FLAGS FOR THE OLD JIGGER!" + + * * * * * + +THE STEEPLE. + + There's mist in the hollows, + There's gold on the tree, + And South go the swallows + Away over sea. + + They home in our steeple + That climbs in the wind, + And, parson and people, + We welcome 'em kind. + + The steeple was set here + In 1266; + If WILLIAM could get here + He'd burn it to sticks. + + He'd burn it for ever, + Bells, belfry and vane, + That swallows would never + Come home there again. + + He'd bang down their perches + With cannon and gun, + For churches is churches, + And WILLIAM'S a Hun. + + So--mist in the hollow + And leaf falling brown-- + Ere home comes the swallow + May WILLIAM be down! + + And high stand the steeples + From Lincoln to Wells, + For parsons and peoples, + For birds and for bells! + + * * * * * + + "It makes things clearer, for example, if one knows that a howitzer + gun drops its shells, while an ordinary field gun fires them to all + intents and purposes vertically." + + _Weekly Dispatch._ + +Much clearer. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Youthful Patriot._ "Oh, mummy, you _must_ speak to baby: +he's most awfully naughty. He won't let nurse take his vest off, and +(_in an awe-struck voice_) he keeps on screaming and yelling that _he +likes the Germans_! _Anybody_ might hear him." + + * * * * * + +A WAR-HORSE OF THE KING. + + I knew you in the first flight of the Quorn, + One who never turned his gallant head aside + From bank or ditch, from double rail or thorn, + Or from any brook however deep and wide; + I know the love your owner on you spent; + I know the price he put upon your speed; + And I know he gave you freely, well content, + When his country called upon him in her need. + + I have seen you in the bondage of the camp + With a heel-rope on a pastern raw and red, + Up and fighting at the stable-picket's tramp + With the courage of the way that you were bred; + I have seen you standing, broken, in the rain, + Lone and fretting for a yesterday's caress; + I have seen your valour spur you up again + From the sorrow that your patient eyes express. + + Now in dreams I see your squadron at the Front, + You a war-horse with a hero on your back, + Taking bugles for the horn-blast of the hunt, + Taking musketry for music of the pack; + Made and mannered to the pattern of the rest, + Gathered foam--and maybe blood--upon your rein, + You'll be up among the foremost and the best, + Or we'll never trust in Leicestershire again! + + * * * * * + +IN A GOOD CAUSE. + +War or no war, the children must have their Christmas presents, and they +wouldn't look at the usual toys made in Germany, even if they could be +had this year. The Women's Emergency Corps has the matter in hand. Some +fascinating models have been designed and registered, and many women who +were in need of work are engaged in copying them under skilled +direction. Funds are needed badly at the start, though the scheme will +eventually support itself. For the children's sake, and even more for +the sake of the women-breadwinners to whom the war has brought distress, +_Mr. Punch_ begs his generous friends to help this work. Gifts should be +sent to The Duchess of Marlborough, Old Bedford College, 8, York Place, +Baker Street, W. + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORY. + +TO THOSE WHO DIED IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE WAR. + + Not theirs to triumph yet; but, where they stood, + Falling, to dye the earth with brave men's blood + For England's sake and duty. Be their name + Sacred among us. Wouldst thou seek to frame + Their fitting epitaph? Then let it be + Simple, as that which marked Thermopylae:-- + "_Tell it in England, thou that passest by, + Here faithful to their charge her soldiers lie._" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE GREAT GOTH. + +DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW IN A NEO-GOTHIC CATHEDRAL AT +POTSDAM. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Newly-gazetted Subaltern._ "GIRLS! GIRLS! YOU REALLY +MUSTN'T CROWD ROUND ME LIKE THIS. I'VE MISSED TWO SALUTES ALREADY." + + * * * * * + +OUR DUMB ENEMIES. + +Although the German army already owes much of its efficiency to useful +hints garnered from the animal kingdom--such as the goose-step, which +has been employed with such conspicuous success in the streets of +Brussels--we were hardly prepared for the far-reaching mobilisation of +the more familiar mammals which is now foreshadowed. It is true that we +had already been much impressed by the KAISER'S threat to continue the +war to the last breath of man and horse, but it is none the less +startling to learn, on American authority, that the German Government +would, at a pinch, be prepared to arm every cat and dog in the Empire. +It will thus be open to the future historian to speak of "the cats of +war." + +There is another branch of the community which should not be +overlooked--if the KAISER is willing to take a suggestion--in the form +of the domestic cattle of the Fatherland. These, we believe, are +admirably adapted to attack in close formation upon entrenched +positions. And much might be done with the rats from the cellars of +Munich--than which no finer natural warriors exist. + +But the new menace must be met. Fortunately, if zoological warfare is to +become an accomplished fact, the British Empire has great untapped +resources. It is rumoured that a Camel Corps has been despatched from +India already, and a squadron of elephants should be a match for a whole +Army Corps of dachshunds. + +On the whole we welcome the new departure. It may lead--who knows?--to +the establishment of a higher standard in German civilized warfare. + +An interesting light has been thrown on this new mobilisation by a +letter concealed in the whiskers of the captured mascot (a +Tortoiseshell) of a Bavarian regiment. It runs as follows:-- + + POTSDAM. + (Can't divulge address.) + + DEAR GRETCHEN,--Awful bad luck for poor Schneider. He went to + enlist and was told to register! Of course he's got a streak of the + Persian in him on his mother's side, and used to brag about it, as + we all know; but now it's done him in the eye, and he's fairly mad. + Carl is in the commissariat and tells me we've got three million + tins of sardines; so that's all right as far as it goes; but, if + there's any weakness in the victualling department, I shall be the + first to leave the colours. + + They're making one huge mistake. The dogs are called out too. You know + what German dogs are--sausage-food, we call them. Of course they'll be + cut up and give the show away. But, if they're in the first line with + us behind them, they'll have to fight somebody. + + Albrecht is in the Royal Blacks (Empress's own). Max has joined the 3rd + Tabbies, and I've got a command in the 10th Tortoiseshells. + + Your one and only + PUSS IN PRUSSIANS. + + P.S.--It's a joke with the Tabby regiments that they've got their + stripes already. + + * * * * * + + "Ste. Menehould is 32 miles due west of Verdun. Montfaucon is 18 + miles north-east of Ste. Menehould and a dozen miles north-west of + Verdun."--_Manchester Guardian._ + +The War has changed many things; among them the triangle's old habit of +having two of its sides together greater than the third. But there; +"necessity," as the IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR says, "knows no law." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Humorist (to Cinema Commissionaire)._ "NOW VEN, WILHELM, +GIVE US ONE OR TWO GOOSE-STEPS!" + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +IV. + +Dear Charles,--Half-a-dozen officers of _the_ battalion, including your +own pet terrier, have got cut off from the main body, but are all alive +and well, as you shall hear. We have come down from our war to our peace +station in order to gather together the few hundred recruits who have +been enrolled to bring up the brigade to its proper establishment, and +fill the places of those luckless fellows whose flesh was too weak for +Imperial service, however willing their spirit might have been. I must +say I was more sorry for the "medically unfit" than I have ever been for +anyone in this hard world, when we took affectionate leave of them. + +The recruit is an excellent fellow, whose only fault is that he didn't +start before. Now and then he is a plutocrat, as I have found to my +cost. It was my first job to prearrange the lodging of two hundred of +them in their temporary billet, an unoccupied mansion originally +designed to house twenty persons at the outside. There was an overflow, +as you may imagine, which had to be lodged in the outhouses. The garage +I marked out for twenty-five, leaving it to themselves to decide whether +or not the inspection-pit was the place of honour reserved for the +N.C.O. in charge. Other business prevented my receiving them at the +front gate and conducting them to their several rooms. When I did arrive +on the scene it was my heartrending duty to explain to Privates +Anstruther and Vernon that the reason why they couldn't find their +bedroom was because they had filled it with their motor-cars. But it is +wonderful how people can settle down to anything; an hour later I found +the twenty-five of them comfortably tucked in for the night, crooning +unanimously, "There's no place like home!" To-day they have chalked up +on the wall, "The Ritz Private Boarding Establishment; well-aired beds; +bring your own straw. Excellent cuisine. _No_ garage." + +This is the sort of remark which, as you go the rounds of the mess +tables, you have to pretend you have not heard: "The officer wants to +know if you have all got plenty of potatoes. Every man stand up and say +'I have';" and, to demonstrate the _camaraderie_ which exists in the +hard circumstances of military life, "George, lend me your slice of +bacon to clean my knife with." The most moving reply I have personally +received came from one of the less-educated section. I asked to what +company he was attached, and he didn't know. "Who is your captain?" I +said. "'Im with the scuppered 'at," was the descriptive reply. Captain +Herne has since lectured his gang on the rudiments of military +discipline, first, however, replenishing his neglected equipment. + +And now let us turn from the domestic aspect to the infantry training, +and let me tell you all about outposts, their duty and their manner of +performing it. Outpost companies, it must be remembered, do their work +at night. I don't know, Charles, whether you have ever sat under a hedge +for hours on end in the dark, waiting the approach of the enemy. It must +be bad enough in real warfare, where there is a chance of his turning +up; but in practice it is worse, for there is the certainty that he +_must_ turn up. He left the camp an hour before you did yourself, and, +if he does succeed in getting through your lines, he'll never let you +hear the last of it. + +Now you must remember that my fellows had spent many weary days "sloping +arms," only to unslope them again almost immediately, and in other +sufficiently bloodless pursuits. They are naturally of a pugilistic +breed, and the attacking party comprised old-time opponents. Constant +efforts to keep a watch in the dark are trying to the nerves, and when +something substantial does emerge which one may get a grip on ... what +use is it for an officer to say that no violence is required and enough +is done for present purposes if the enemy is successfully observed and +quietly apprehended? The first enemy to approach turned out, on arrest, +to be just an innocuous cow; but this disappointment served only to make +the aspect of my men even more menacing. The next arrival was a hapless +scout of the attacking party: he had come to surprise, but was himself +violently surprised. What advice and exhortations I had to give were +lost in the hubbub. "Put up your fists, chaps, and let him have it!" was +the order, which was obeyed. The necessity for silence was forgotten; +here was something upon which to wreak all the pent-up feelings +consequent upon a month's perusal of German atrocities. It was +excusable, if unsporting, for the scout to bite the thumb of his nearest +assailant--and a good thorough bite it was. It fell to my lot later to +dress the wound; as I did so the casualty explained to me fully and +often the exact circumstances of the case. But he was not angry about +it; far from it. With an expression of feature combining interested +enquiry with perfect readiness to accept whatever might be in the proper +order of infantry training, he said, "And then 'e bit me thumb, Sir. Was +that right?" + +D'Arcy and I had an awkward moment the other day. We turned into a +wayside golf club in an emergency, and begged to be allowed to buy our +tea there. Even as we did so the Secretary himself arrived in a motor +car, which, as we were not aware, had but a little while ago overtaken +Major Danks and the half battalion under his charge. Even the Secretary +himself, accustomed to ignore foot-passengers, did not appreciate that +he had roused the Major's wrath by the haste of his overtaking. The +Secretary was, to us, politeness itself--nay more, he insisted upon our +being the guests of the club not only on that occasion but on every +available opportunity. Other members gathered round and endorsed his +view. We returned thanks in brief and soldierly speeches. There were, by +way of reply, votes of confidence, and, in rejoinder, expressions of +reciprocated esteem. The invitation was extended to every officer in the +battalion, and then we withdrew to the wash-house to prepare to +receive hospitality. Hardly had we departed when the Major arrived, and +we returned from our ablutions, if not into the open, at least +sufficiently near to hear him reprimanding the Secretary in the most +violent terms, threatening arrest to the miscreant chauffeur, and, +indeed, the annihilation of the whole clubhouse and links, and every +man, woman and child in or about them. Old man, I have never less +enjoyed a meal at others' expense than I did the tea which followed. + +Acting temporarily as Quarter-Master I went to the butcher's to-day. "A +nice morning, Sir," said he. What could he do for me? "What about some +beef?" said I. "About ten pounds?" he suggested. "Nearer two hundred," I +replied.... "Good day," he concluded, as he bowed me out of the shop. "A +_very_ nice morning, Sir." + +I'll tell you my opinion of these soldiers, Charles, amateur or +professional. Feed them like princes and pamper them like babies, and +they'll complain all the time. But stand them up to be shot at and +they'll take it as a joke, and rather a good joke, too. + + Yours ever, + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Scene: Playground of sand in a London park._ + +_Kind-hearted Old Lady._ "THAT LITTLE BOY LOOKS VERY LONELY. WHY DON'T +YOU ASK HIM TO PLAY WITH YOU?" + +_Little Girl._ "OW, DON'T TAKE NO NOTICE OF 'IM, LIDY. 'E'S SWANKIN' +'COS 'E'S BIN TO THE SEASIDE." + + * * * * * + +ONE OF THE SECRETS OF RUSSIAN SUCCESS. + +(_By our Military Expert._) + +The brief statement from Headquarters at Petrograd that on the +South-West front Wszlmysl has fallen and that the pursuit of the +Austrians has reached Mlprknik has a significance that may easily be +overlooked by those who are unfamiliar with the topography of the +district and its pronunciation. Wszlmysl (pronounce Wozzle-mizzle) is a +large fortified town in the district of Mprzt (pronounce Ha-djisha), at +the junction of the rivers Ug (pronounce Oogh) and Odzwl (pronounce +Odol), about ten miles to the N.E. of Ploschkin (pronounce as written), +with which it is connected by an electric tramway. The information +available shows that the garrison of Wszlmysl (pronounce Woolloomoolloo) +deserted their guns and retreated in haste with the Russians in hot +pursuit. Now, inasmuch as this fortress has been pronounced by the +Russian expert, Colonel Shumsky (pronounce Sch-tchoomsky), to be +stronger than either Namur or Liege, the precipitate retirement of the +Austrians can only be accounted for by a complete breakdown of _moral_. + +The cause of this breakdown may escape most observers, but it is in +reality simple enough. It has long been known that the Austrians have +found themselves terribly handicapped by their inability to deal +faithfully with the consonantal difficulties presented by the names of +towns and districts in which the ethnic basis is Slav and not Teutonic. +Quite recently, on the capture of the town of Prtnkevichsvtntchiskow +(unpronounceable, and only to be approximately rendered with the +assistance of a powerful Claxon horn), the garrison were found to be in +a deplorable condition of aphasia and suffering from chronic laryngitis. +We have therefore the best grounds for believing that a similar cause +operated in the case of the Austrian defenders of Wszlmysl. They fled +because they were unable to cope with the vocal exigencies of the +situation. + +To sum up, we have in our Eastern ally a nation not only great in +numbers, in warlike prowess, and in enthusiasm for their cause, but also +fortified by the possession of a language so rich in phonetic variety +and so formidable in consonantal concentration as to strike terror into +opponents of lesser linguistic capacity. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THOSE WHO SIT IN JUDGMENT." + +In days of great national tension the public needs some coaxing to be +got into the theatre at all. Our managers should either, at the risk of +appearing callous, offer us a pure distraction from the strain of things +or else provide something in harmony with the emotions of the time. But +frankly I cannot find in the programme at the St. James's any apparent +sign of consideration for present conditions. It is true that it +supplies excellent entertainment for Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, who has +plenty of occupation in a part that suits him well. But I was thinking, +selfishly enough, of my own needs and those of other non-combatants. + +I admit that the scene in West Africa was a diverting novelty. I had +never before, to my recollection, met a native monarch from the Gold +Coast, and I have pleasure in accepting the assurance of Mr. CROWTHER, +Secretary for Native Affairs in this district, that they are like that. +But it was impossible to feel any very deep concern as to what might +happen to the damaged hero (_Michael Trent_) on his return to England +after the failure of his rubber schemes. The best he could hope for, by +way of consolation for being misunderstood, was to become a +co-respondent in a suit brought by the chief sitter-in-judgment. Even so +we might have contrived a little sympathy if the woman's fifth-rate +environment had not made any community of tastes hopelessly improbable. +For her, too, it seemed to us a poor business that the only +encouragement she could offer him in the undeserved ruin of his career +was to get it blasted all over again--and this time on a true charge--by +running away with him. + +But the rubber-man in the play was never a hero. There in his Gold Coast +shanty we see his lover's young brother dying of fever under his eyes. +Yet from the moment when he himself gets a touch of the same complaint +he takes to brandy, and practically loses all further interest--at any +rate of a coherent kind--in the fate of his _protege_. And at the +end--though he seems to take a good deal of personal pride in the +prospect--the only heroism that lies before him is the living-down of a +sordid scandal in the divorce-court. + +As _Michael Trent_, Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER played excellently, and I have +nothing to say against either the quality or the quantity of his work, +except that in the First Act the tale of his experience in the Beresu +forest, which began with a very natural air, developed into something +like a recitation. He might almost have been Mr. ROOSEVELT, in a mood of +exaltation, describing his river to the Geographical Society. That +clever actress, Miss HENRIETTA WATSON, had to play a difficult part as +_Trent's_ lover, in a vein that, I think, is new to her. She did it +well, though she seemed to start on a note of intensity which left her +too little margin for the time when she really needed it; her appeal, +too, was rather to our intelligence than our hearts. Mr. NIGEL PLAYFAIR, +waiving his gift of deliberate humour, showed himself a master of the +petty meannesses of a certain phase of suburban banality. Mr. VOLPE +presided, with the right rotundity of a rubber company's chairman, over +a very spirited meeting of indignant share-holders. And, finally, +nothing became Mr. REGINALD OWEN so well as the manner of his dying. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +"YOUNG WISDOM." + +_Victoria_ was very young and very, very wise. She knew all about the +slavery of the marriage-tie, the liberty of the female subject, and +high-sounding things of that sort, and kept books of advanced thinking +secretly under her mattress--where her little brother found them and +thought them dull, and her mother found them and thought them rather +funny. _Victoria's_ theory was that all marriages ought to be preceded +by a trial trip, but it was her sister _Gail_ who had the pluck to put +this theory into practice. She insisted on her young man, _Peter_, +eloping with her on the night before their wedding. _Peter_, a simple +gentleman with a mouth permanently open, was reluctantly persuaded. +Whereupon _Christopher_, the best man, engaged to _Victoria_, insisted +upon _Victoria_ also living up to her theory and eloping without +clerical assistance--which she did almost as unwillingly as _Peter_. The +two couples meet at midnight in an old moorland cottage rented by an +artist called _Max_ (no, not the one you think), whereupon two important +things happen:-- + +(1) _Gail_ decides in about twenty minutes that she loves +_Max_, not _Peter_. (2) _Victoria_ decides that she hates trial +trips. So they all five go back together, and, after a lot of +"Tut-tut-what-the-blank-upon-my-souls" from the military stage-father, +they sort themselves out again and get married properly--_Peter_ being +left over with a cold in the head. + +The author, Miss RACHEL CROTHERS, has not strained herself severely in +writing _Young Wisdom_, and the result is a pleasantly innocent little +play, which, thanks to the Misses MARGERY MAUDE and MADGE TITHERADGE as +the two sisters, and Mr. JOHN DEVERELL as _Peter_, gave us all a good +deal of pleasure. Miss MAUDE had a part with a little comedy in it for +once, and she played it delightfully. + + M. + + * * * * * + +MEDITATIONS ON MUSHROOMS. + +We were playing the ancient and honourable game of acrostics and we had +to think of and describe a word bounded on the West by the initial E, +and on the East by the final H. + +"That which you can never have of mushrooms," was one of the +descriptions. It was, of course, guessed at once--"Enough;" and could +there be a truer compliment to this strange exotic delicacy, which costs +nothing but a walk in an early autumnal morning and is more choice than +the rarest flavours ever designed by the most inspired of _chefs_? For +certainly there has never been enough of them. I, at any rate, have +never had enough. The thought of mushrooms missed must add pathos to +many a death-bed. + +It is a terrible moment when the dish comes in and one rapidly notes the +disparity between the paucity of its contents and the vast and eager +anticipation of the company. For it is useless to attempt to conceal +greed when mushrooms arrive. A certain amount of dissimulation has +mercifully been given by a wise Providence to all of us for the +lubrication of the cogs of daily life; but it does not extend so far as +this. And particularly so if the mushrooms have been fried in butter. +Stewed they are not of course to be undervalued, especially if one dares +to soak one's bread in the juice; nor even reposing in tragic isolation +on Juan Fernandezes of toast; but the real way is to fry them in butter. +As I say, it is a terrible moment when the dish arrives and the faces of +the guests are studied; but should there be one present, or--more +ecstatic moment still--two, who confess to a dislike of this perilous +fungus, then what an access of rapture by way of compensation! Truly +wise hostesses have been known to murmur something about toadstools and +risk, as an encouragement to the doubters; or if they don't their +husbands do. It is however no real good! Even with two defaulters the +dish does no more than stimulate desire; whilst such is its power of +fascination that consummate _gourmets_ have been known to express no +dismay at the possibility of poison being there, a death so won being +worth dying. + +Mushrooms, to win such homage as this, must be picked in the fields and +cooked at home. The forced mushrooms which grow under the shelf in the +greenhouse or in a corner of the cellar lack something of divinity; +while there is not a restaurant _chef_ in the world who has not a long +record of ruined mushrooms to his name. No sooner does a public cook get +at a mushroom than it begins to deteriorate. When the _chef_ comes in at +the door the savour flies out of the window. It is a point of honour +with him. When therefore I said that one can never have enough mushrooms +I meant at home. + +It is an injustice to the mushroom to eat it as an adjunct to other +food; while there is one meat which in alliance it renders unwholesome. +The odd thing is that every one differs as to what this meat is; but my +own hazy recollection says mutton. Still that prohibition is not for us, +who know the only way in which mushrooms should be eaten: fried, with +bread and butter, and the butter spread too thick. + + * * * * * + +It is rumoured that the freedom of Hunstanton is to be conferred on the +KAISER. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE BULL-DOG BREED. + +_Officer._ "NOW, MY LAD, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PLACED HERE FOR?" + +_Recruit._ "TO PREVENT THE HENEMY FROM LANDIN', SIR." + +_Officer._ "AND DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD PREVENT HIM LANDING ALL BY +YOURSELF?" + +_Recruit._ "DON'T KNOW, SIR, I'M SURE. BUT I'D HAVE A DAM GOOD TRY!" + + * * * * * + +"BUSINESS AS USUAL." + +Corkey is the School Attendance Officer and a terror to every boy in the +neighbourhood. He looks at the truant and says fiercely, "Where was +you?" Then he wags a savage finger at him. "Yes, you was," he says, "you +was, you know you was. I caught you in the hact." No boy has ever been +known to withstand him. + +Yet Corkey has a heart. + +William Frederick Wright is our chief boy scout. In the first great days +of the war, William was on duty at a railway bridge up the line. Local +fame placed him somewhere between FRENCH and KITCHENER. Sent to round up +the truant, Corkey reported in glowing words, "_Guarding his country._" + +A second week's absence produced the same report. Then business instinct +began to war with patriotism in the breast of Corkey. During the third +week he once more looked the culprit up. + +His report was grim and terse. "_Warned him_," he wrote. + +On the following Monday William sadly returned. + + * * * * * + +THE AWAKENING. + + Ere our lesson to the KAISER, + Self-anointed Lord of Earth, + Left that furious monarch wiser + _Re_ our troops' intrinsic worth, + Frankly, I had thought you flighty, + Callous to the very core; + Lovely?--yes, like Aphrodite; + Nothing more. + + Later, when you slaked your thirsting + For an apron, cuffs and cap, + Long before the war-cloud, bursting, + Made a mess of Europe's map, + Though your mind showed some improvement, + Lady, I conceived you had + Joined a purely social movement + For a fad. + + Now the scales at length uplifted + From my eyes in you reveal, + Verily, a woman gifted + With the power to help and heal. + So I send, for shame, these verses + Where you brave the battle's brunt, + One of England's noble Nurses + At the front. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I always open a new book by GERTRUDE ATHERTON with a pleasant +grace-before-meat sensation of being already truly thankful for what I +am about to receive. And it is hardly ever that I am disappointed. I do +not mean to tell you that her latest story, which bears the attractive +title _Perch of the Devil_ (MURRAY), will eclipse the record of all that +has gone before; but it need not do that to be well worth reading. It is +a tale of mining life, set against a background of claims and veins and +drifts and ores--things that I for one delight to read about because of +their infinite possibilities, the romance of the gamble that is in them. +There is plenty of this gamble in _Perch of the Devil_ (the mountain +township where the miners lived). _Gregory Compton_, the hero, makes his +pile all right, and has some rare moments in doing it. He would have +been happier if he could have enjoyed prosperity, when it came, for its +own sake and for that of his pretty wife. But, though he bestowed upon +her all the luxuries that successful mining commands--frocks and cars +and European travel--it was another woman, _Ora_, who had his heart. And +unfortunately she was the wife of his partner. It is with this quartette +of characters that Mrs. ATHERTON works out her tale, an unusually small +cast for a story of 373 pages; but you will hardly need to be told with +what sympathetic and subtle skill she depicts them. Her art is, as +always, extraordinarily minute and close. The two women especially are +made to live before us with a great effect of actuality. She has wit, +too, of a dry, rather grim, kind. I liked her comparison of _Gregory's_ +emotion on finding himself in love with _Ora_ to that of a small boy +despising himself for a second attack of measles before he discovers the +later complaint to be scarlet fever. You must read this book. + + * * * * * + +In no industrial survey of the present situation have I seen any +reliable estimate of the probable output of patriotic romance. Yet the +figures seem likely to be impressive. One of the earliest samples is +before me now. It is called _The Gate of England_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), with the sub-title, _A Romance of the Days of Drake_, and is +in every way true to its admirable type. What I mean by this is that it +contains everything that you expect and are glad to find--a Virgin +Queen, imperious and quick of retort, with a generous eye for the claims +of gallantry; a hero who simply could not be more heroic; villains (of +Spanish name, priests, murderers, all a regular bad lot), and the right +proportion of female interest and humorous relief. Need I give you the +details? How the hero, Captain of the Queen's body-guard, saves Her +Majesty's life (a scene with a genuine thrill in it) and is rewarded by +her. How he goes in command of an expedition against Channel +freebooters, and finally ends up as an agent of the British Intelligence +Department, finding out things about the army of His Grace of Parma, +then at Dunkirk awaiting conveyance by the Spanish fleet. He seems, +however, to have been something of a failure in the way of intelligence, +as by lack of this the hero managed to get himself and his companion +imprisoned for spies (which indeed they were), and was only rescued by +the intervention of DRAKE as the god from the machine. A pleasant, if +undistinguished, tale that will be enjoyed by the young of all ages. It +is a minor point, but when one finds the hero called _Christopher +Stone_, and another character rejoicing in the name of _Gabriel Ray_, it +is hard to acquit the author of some poverty of invention. His own name +(I had almost forgotten to mention) is MORICE GERARD; and he has done +better work. + + * * * * * + +_Pan-Germanism_ (CONSTABLE) is a seasonable cheap reprint of a study of +that egregious creed by ROLAND G. USHER, an American Professor of +History. With an almost cynical candour and detachment the author +analyses the origins, assumptions, justifications and pretensions, and +foreshadows with some insight the miscalculations, of those who have +essayed to direct the destinies of modern Germany. It is as well that +this essay comes from a neutral pen; it would else be discredited as a +freak of prejudice. Pan-Germanism, as here seen, is the _reductio ad +absurdum_ of the doctrine that all is fair in war--and peace. It is no +less than blank anarchy, philosophic and practical, and indefinitely +less workable as a theory of international life than that of the so long +discredited Sermon on the Mount. The honest Briton can find here solid +justification of his cause. Perhaps it is not altogether unwholesome +that our national withers don't entirely escape wringing. We are a +little guilty, but much less guilty than our arch-opponent; so thinks +this sober and wide-eyed critic.... Certainly, and the more +significantly since it is without direction or intention of the writer, +one sees behind all the tragedy of these dark weeks and of the long +months and years to come the sinister picture of a man of no more than +common earthly wisdom saddled with responsibilities that might well +break the nerve of a council of the gods. Is it well, if the matches +must be kept in the powder-magazine, to let the children in to play with +them? + + * * * * * + +Illustration: PERHAPS THE LONDON PUBLIC WOULD FEEL MORE SECURE IF OUR +GUARDIAN AIRSHIP WERE MADE IN THIS PATTERN. + + * * * * * + + That he will arm the German cat and dog + The KAISER swears in language hot and heady; + He leaves the swine out of his catalogue + Because the swine, it seems, are armed already. + + * * * * * + +THE HORRORS OF WAR. + + "Another German officer prays for a decisive engagement which will + put an end to bloody encounters. One evening he and his + fellow-officers had to share between themselves a meal prepared for + their men."--_Times._ + +The records of the war have furnished many instances of physical +hardship, but none more terrible than this. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914*** + + +******* This file should be named 27967.txt or 27967.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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