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+The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 30, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 30, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: February 2, 2009  [eBook #27967]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 27967-h.htm or 27967-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967/27967-h/27967-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967/27967-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 147
+
+SEPTEMBER 30, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The German troops which started out for a "pleasure trip" to Paris are
+now reported, owing, no doubt, to the influence of British environment,
+to be taking their pleasures sadly.
+
+     * * *
+
+Several reasons have been given for the destruction of Rheims Cathedral.
+The real one is now said to be the following. Owing to the Red Cross
+Flag being flown from one of the towers the Germans thought the building
+was only a hospital.
+
+     * * *
+
+A Scotsman gifted with much native humour wishes it to be known how glad
+he is to see that the Frenchmen have been getting their Aisne back.
+
+     * * *
+
+It is reported that the KAISER is proceeding to East Prussia to assume
+the chief command there. In Petrograd the news is only credited by
+extreme optimists.
+
+     * * *
+
+It does not say much for the enterprise of our English newspapers that
+we should have had to go all the way to India for a reference to what
+must have been an exceedingly clever capture of one of the enemy. "As
+the war progresses," says _The Times of India_ of the 20th ult., "the
+stories of German brutality become more and more frequent. One instance
+is shown in a letter from a German soldier captured in a mail-bag in
+Lorraine."
+
+     * * *
+
+We have always held that the Turkish sense of humour has been
+underrated. A leading Ottoman statesman has told _Der Tag_ (the
+newspaper of that name: the real thing has not turned up yet): "We only
+fear for Germany one thing--her magnanimity towards the conquered, a
+quality which she shares with the great Turkish conquerors of the past."
+
+     * * *
+
+There is reported to be an uneasy feeling among the poor in our big
+towns that, if hard times should come, an attempt will be made to foist
+on them many of the weirder garments which kind-hearted ladies have been
+making for the troops.
+
+     * * *
+
+The attention of the public is being directed to the value of fish as a
+food, in contradistinction, we suppose, to its remarkable qualities as a
+perfume.
+
+     * * *
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S statement that "The Prussian Junker is the road-hog
+of modern Europe" has, we hear, had a curious and satisfactory sequel.
+Large numbers of adepts in the art of pig-sticking are joining the
+Sportsmans' Battalion which is now in process of formation.
+
+     * * *
+
+Not the least encouraging result of the War would seem to be that it has
+put a stopper on decadent ideas as to dress. Mlle. GABY DESLYS, we read,
+found herself unable to begin her season at the Palace the week before
+last as her dresses were delayed in Paris.
+
+     * * *
+
+A London-born Italian organ-grinder who was plying his trade in Wales
+has, _The Express_ tells us, enlisted in Lord KITCHENER'S Army for
+foreign service, and has left his organ in charge of the recruiting
+officer at Barmouth. A pity. It should have made a powerful weapon to
+use against the enemy.
+
+     * * *
+
+So much has been written about the brutality of the Germans that it
+seems only fair to draw attention to an act of humanity on their part.
+Steps have been taken at Stuttgart, at any rate, to protect prisoners
+against annoyance. "It is," runs a proclamation, "rigorously forbidden
+for any woman to cast amorous glances at British and French prisoners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: TAKING NO RISKS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HAUNT OF ANCIENT PEACE.
+
+The young man who had come into this quiet room looked round him with a
+sigh of relief at finding it empty. It was a large room, and he knew it
+well. Usually a little sombre and even oppressive of aspect, to-day it
+seemed filled only with an atmosphere of kindly security and
+benevolence. He noticed (being sensitive to such impressions) that in
+some strange way this restful atmosphere seemed to emanate from the
+large table, covered with illustrated papers and magazines, that stood
+in the centre. He approached it and, drawing up a chair, began to take
+the papers one after another into his hands.
+
+Then he understood. Gradually, as he read, the nightmare that life had
+lately become faded away from him, and he saw himself once more
+surrounded by the sane and gentle interests that had been familiar to
+him from childhood. In one paper he read how such and such Duchesses
+were preparing yacht-parties for Cowes, and of the thrilling triumphs of
+the Russian ballet. Another told him that the Government was a
+collection of craven imbeciles, and that the price of rubber continued
+disappointing. He saw photographs of golf-champions and ladies in the
+chorus of musical comedies. One paper had a picture representing the
+state entry into somewhere or other of a--a German Royalty. The uniforms
+in this caused him a momentary uneasiness, as of a light sleeper who
+stirs in his dream and seems about to wake. Then he turned the page, and
+the dream closed upon him again as he contemplated an illustrated
+solution of the problem "Where shall we spend our summer holidays?"
+
+He sighed contentedly and went on turning the pages, here reading a
+paragraph, here merely glancing at pictures or headlines. Thus the hours
+passed. How peaceful it was in this quiet room! And this table of
+literature, strange that never before had he appreciated its subtle
+charm....
+
+Long afterwards, when they came to seek him, he was found asleep, a
+happy smile upon his face, and his weary head fallen forward amid the
+two-months-old newspapers of the dentist's waiting-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IMPERIAL OVERTURE.
+
+     [_From notes taken by a British airman while engaged in hovering
+     over the KAISER'S headquarters at ----. The name of the place is
+     excised because the Press Bureau Authorities do not wish the KAISER
+     to be informed of his own whereabouts._]
+
+    Now let an awful silence hold the field,
+  And everybody else's mouth be sealed;
+  For lo! your KAISER (sound the warning gong!)
+  Prepares to loose his clarion lips in song.
+
+    In time of War the poet gets his chance,
+  When even wingless Pegasi will prance;
+  Yet We, whose pinions oft outsoared the crow's,
+  Have hitherto confined Ourself to prose.
+  But who shall doubt that We could sing as well as
+  That Warrior-bard TYRTÆUS, late of Hellas,
+  Who woke the Spartans up with words and chorus
+  Twenty-six centuries B.U. (Before Us)?
+  Also, since Truth is near allied to Beauty,
+  We are convinced that We shall prove more fluty
+  Than certain British scribes whom We have read
+  (Recently published by The Bodley Head).
+
+    Well, then, it is Our purpose to inflame
+  Our soldiers' arteries with lust of fame;
+  To give them something in the lyric line
+  That shall be tantamount to fumes of wine,
+  Yet not too heady, like the champagne (sweet)
+  That lately left them dormant in the street,
+  So that the British, coming up just then,
+  Took them for swine and not for gentlemen.
+
+    Rather we look to brace them, soul and limb,
+  With something in the nature of a hymn,
+  Which they may chant, assisted by the band,
+  While working backwards to the Fatherland.
+  Put to the air of _Deutschland über alles_
+  Or else to one of Our own sacred ballets,
+  The lilt of it should leave their hearts so fiery
+  That at the finish they would make enquiry--
+  "What would our ATTILA to-day have done?"
+  And, crying "Havoc!" go and play the Hun.
+  For there are some cathedrals standing yet,
+  And heavy is the task to Culture set,
+  Ere We may lay aside the holy rod
+  Made to chastise the foes of Us and God.
+
+    And now that We are fairly in the vein
+  Let Us proceed to build the lofty strain.
+  Ho! bid the Muse to enter and salute
+  The burnished toe of Our Imperial boot!
+  Hush! guns! and, ye howitzers, cease your fire!
+  We, WILLIAM, are about to sound the lyre!
+
+      O. S.
+
+    _Note._--Unfortunately the actual composition of which
+    this is the preface has been censored, as likely to have a
+    disintegrating effect upon the discipline of our forces at
+    the front.
+
+           *       *       *       *       *
+
+    THE TWO VOICES.
+
+    "It was Mr. Will Crooks, the well-known Labour member, who
+    asked the Chairman if the House might sing 'God Save the King,'
+    and when Mr. Crooks started it in his deep bass voice everyone stood
+    up and joined in the singing."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+    "Moreover, Mr. Crooks had pitched the tune a little too high, and
+    it seemed for a moment that he with his rich high tenor voice would
+    have to sing the anthem as a solo."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+           *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. II.
+
+    (_From the Rev. Dr. DRYANDER, Court Chaplain._)
+
+    MOST ALLGRACIOUS SIR,--Now that I have finished
+    writing my sermon for next Sunday I can find time for a
+    little quiet sound thinking by way of a change. I can say
+    quite seriously that I am tired to death of writing and
+    preaching sermons. It is not permitted, highly honoured
+    EMPEROR, that in my sermon I say anything displeasing to
+    your Imperial self. I must not remind you that you are a
+    man like other men, a man liable to weakness and error,
+    swayed by temper, capable, since your position gives you
+    power, of trampling on the rights of others in a moment of
+    passion, of confounding justice with your own desires and
+    of mistaking the promptings of ambition or malice or envy
+    for an inspiration from Heaven itself. No, I must not say
+    all this or any of it, but, on the contrary, I must describe
+    you to yourself and your family and the chosen intimates
+    who flatter you beyond even my power to flatter, I must
+    describe you, I say, as the Lord's, anointed, as the vice-gerent
+    of God on earth, as being raised by God's favour
+    above all human foibles, in short, as being supremely right
+    and just whenever your faults and your injustice cry aloud
+    for the divine punishment. Even if you were a thoroughly
+    good and sensible man, _totus teres atque rotundus_, instead
+    of being a bundle of caprice and prejudice, the task would
+    be difficult. As it is, it is unpleasant and ought to be impossible.
+    My sermons exist to prove that I have attempted
+    it with such courage as I could command, although in these
+    conditions courage is only another name for the cowardly
+    compliance that causes a man to detest himself and to take
+    a low view of human nature.
+
+    At any rate I have done my best for you. How many
+    times have I not bidden the faithful to fall down before you
+    and worship you? Have I not proved from Holy Scripture
+    that your lightest word is spoken, not by you, but by the
+    Almighty; that you, in fact, are something higher and
+    better in bones and flesh and blood and brains than anything
+    that mere ordinary mortals can pretend to be? I can
+    see you nodding your head in Imperial approval when such
+    phrases came from me, and all the time I knew in my
+    heart that the God of whom you were thinking, and to
+    whose intimacy you pretended, was not the God under
+    whom a Christian minister takes service, but a being
+    formed after the image of a Prussian drill-sergeant who
+    wears a pointed helmet and a turned-up moustache.
+
+    Sir, I have my doubts as to this fearful war in which we
+    are engaged. You entered upon it, you say, to carry out
+    your treaty obligations to Austria. Treaties, no doubt, are
+    sacred things. But why, then, was not the treaty obligation
+    to Belgium as sacred as that with Austria? Was it
+    because Belgium was weak and (as you thought) defenceless
+    that you invaded her country, slaughtered her people,
+    and sacked her towns? Was this the reason for the foul
+    treatment of Louvain? And is it agreeable, do you think,
+    to the Almighty that the glorious Cathedral of Rheims
+    should be bombarded and ruined even by German shells?
+
+    When the years have rolled on and you shall have been
+    called away to render an account of what you did on earth,
+    for what reasons will you be remembered amongst men?
+    Not because you established justice and did good deeds--or
+    even great ones--for your people, but because you
+    plunged the world in war in order to feed your vanity,
+    and laid waste Belgium and shattered the Cathedral of
+    Rheims. Truly a shining memory.
+
+    Yours, in all humility,
+      DRYANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BOER AND BRITON TOO.
+
+GENERAL BOTHA (_composing telegram to the KAISER_). "JUST OFF TO REPEL
+ANOTHER RAID. YOUR CUSTOMARY WIRE OF CONGRATULATION SHOULD BE ADDRESSED:
+'BRITISH HEADQUARTERS--GERMAN SOUTH-WEST AFRICA.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Incredulous friend_ (_to soldier invalided home_).
+"WHAT--YOU CAPTURED TEN GERMANS BY YOURSELF? GOOD GRACIOUS! HOW DID YOU
+DO IT?"
+
+_Tommy._ "I JUST SHOUTED OUT 'WAITER!' AND THEY CAME ALONG."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST LINE.
+
+I.
+
+We are the last line of defence. When the Regular Army and the Reserve
+Army and the new Million Army and the Indian Army and the Overseas Army
+and the Territorial Army are all entering Berlin together, then the
+defence of England (we hope) will rest entirely upon us. There are not
+many of us, as armies go nowadays, but there ought to be one apiece for
+all the towns round the coast, and what we lack in numbers we shall make
+up for in pride.
+
+We are the last line of defence. We all have wives or defective retinas
+or birthdays previous to 1879, or something that binds us together
+unofficially. Our motto from Monday to Friday is, "Soldier and Civilian
+too," and in camp at week-ends, "Remember Przemysl." At present we have
+no uniforms, to the disgust of our wives; but they are coming. Opinion
+is divided as to whether we want them to come. Some say that, clad in
+khaki, we shall get admiring glances from the women and envious glances
+from the small boys which are not really our due; our proud spirit
+rebels against the idea of marching through London in false colours.
+James says that, seeing that a soldier is only a soldier, and that he
+himself (James) is a special constable from 4 A.M. to 8, a dashed
+hard-working solicitor from 9.30 to 5, and a soldier from 5.30 to 7, not
+to mention the whole week-end, he jolly well expects all the admiration
+he can get; and that, if any small boy cheers him under the impression
+that he is only a Territorial, he is doing him a confounded injustice.
+Perhaps a tail-coat and khaki breeches would best meet the case.
+
+Then we come to the question of rifles. There are at this moment
+thousands of men in the Army who have no rifles. Whole battalions of new
+recruits are unarmed. Our battalion is not unarmed; it has a rifle. We
+have all seen it; those of us who have been on guard through the cold
+dark hours of Saturday-Sunday have even carried it--respectfully, as
+becomes a man who thanks Heaven that it is not loaded. Our pride in it
+is enormous. Were a sudden night attack by Zeppelins made upon our camp,
+the battalion would rally as one man round the old rifle, and fling
+boots at the invader until the last pair of ammunition gave out. Then,
+spiking the Lee-Enfield, so that it should be useless if it fell into
+the hands of the enemy, we should retire barefoot and in good order,
+James busily jotting down notes of our last testamentary
+dispositions....
+
+But, of course, we know that the invaders will not come yet. Meanwhile
+much can be learnt without arms (_cf._ "Infantry Training" _passim_--a
+book we all carry in our pockets), and we have the promise of enough
+rifles for a company in three weeks. When the last lot of German
+prisoners begins to land we shall be ready for them.
+
+We get plenty of encouragement; indeed we feel that the authorities have
+a special eye upon us. To give an example. We paraded the other night
+and were inspected by a General--tut-tut, a couple of Generals. One of
+them addressed us afterwards and gave us to understand that, having seen
+the flower of the Continental armies at work, he was, even so, hardly
+prepared for the extraordinary--and so on; which made James throw out
+his lower chest a couple of inches further than usual. Whereupon the
+Admiralty airship hurried up and, flying slowly over us, inspected us
+from the top. I say nothing of what James must have looked like from the
+top; what I say is that not many battalions are inspected by two
+Generals and an airship simultaneously. We are grateful to the
+authorities.
+
+Just at present our fault is over-keenness. On our first Sunday in camp
+our company commander stood us to attention and asked for three
+volunteers--for some unnamed forlorn hope. The whole company advanced
+two paces. He took the first three in the first platoon and handed them
+over to a sergeant. They were marched off on their perilous mission with
+nine men from other companies. The dauntless twelve. We that were left
+behind composed explanations to our wives, making it quite clear that we
+had volunteered, but pointing out that, as only twelve could go, they
+had probably chosen the ugliest ones first. Our three heroes rejoined us
+during an "easy" an hour later. The forlorn hope, had been to dig a hole
+and bury all the unused fragments of last night's supper--the gristly
+bits.... And now, when three volunteers are called for, the whole
+company remains rooted to attention. It is our keenness again; we are
+here to drill; to form fours, to march, to wheel; we want to learn to be
+soldiers, not dustmen.
+
+But naturally we differ in our ideas upon the best way to
+learn--particularly in regard to night-work. What James says is, "Why be
+uncomfortable in camp? If I could do anything for my country between the
+hours of 10.30 P.M. and 5.30 A.M., I would do it gladly. But if my
+country, speaking through the gentleman who commands my platoon, tells
+me to retire to my tent with the fourteen loudest-breathers in
+Middlesex, I may at least _try_ to get a little bit of sleep." So he
+brings with him two air-cushions, a pillow, three blankets and a pair of
+bed-socks, and does his best. On the other hand, John says, "When one is
+on active service one has to sleep anywhere. Unless I am preparing for
+that moment, what am I here for at all?" So he disdains the use of
+straw, selects the hardest brick he can find for his head, and wraps
+himself up in a single coat. And I doubt if he sleeps worse than James.
+Personally, I lie awake all night listening to the snores of the others
+and envying them their repose ... and I find that they all say they have
+been doing the same.
+
+It was James, by the way, who created such a sensation the first time he
+appeared on parade with all his impedimenta. There was a shout of
+laughter from the company--and then a quiet voice behind me said
+reflectively, "He decided _not_ to bring the parrot."
+
+  A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "There is a story here of a reservist, arriving from the provinces,
+     who saw on the Nevsky a brilliantly lighted picture palace, and
+     took off his hat before it and crossed himself devoutly. The point
+     of that story is that the man, when pointed out to me on the
+     parade-ground, was working in rubber gloves upon the installation
+     of field wireless apparatus."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Ha-ha! (Yes, just for a moment it escaped us). _Ha-ha!_ HA-HA-HA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VALHALLA.
+
+(_A vision and a protest._)
+
+  I saw in the night unbroken,
+    In the land the daylight shuns,
+  At their long tables oaken
+    The Sea-kings and the Huns.
+
+  Strong arms had they for smiting,
+    To them death only gave
+  More feasting and more fighting,
+    More plunder for the brave.
+
+  Scant use had they for pleaders,
+    They boasted of their war,
+  The pitiless bright-eyed leaders,
+    And their battle-god was Thor.
+
+  And "When this right hand falters,"
+    Quoth one, "the soul is fled;"
+  "And I made so many altars
+    Ruinous," this one said.
+
+  And lo! as they sat and vaunted
+    Across the mist of the years,
+  There came to them one that flaunted
+    The helm of the war-god's peers.
+
+  A little shape and a mightless,
+    And the strong men laughed and roared:
+  "Is our father Odin sightless
+    That bade _him_ share the board?
+
+  "From what realms spoilt and plundered,
+    From what shrines burnt art come?
+  Has thine hand hewed and thundered
+    On the crosses of Christendom?"
+
+  And he said, "I too had legions,
+    I fouled where ye defiled,
+  I trod in the selfsame regions
+    And warred on woman and child.
+
+  "Tricked out in my shining armour
+    And riding behind my Huns,
+  I harried the priest and farmer,
+    I followed the smoking guns."
+
+  But the kings cried out and shouted
+    As they drained the sweetened mead:
+  "Was it thus that the Franks were routed,
+    When we made Europe bleed?
+
+  "This king with a leaden rattle
+    And death that comes from afar,
+  What pride hath he of the battle?
+    What lust to maim or mar?
+
+  "The loot and the red blood running
+    Were the only signs we saw;
+  But the gods that gave thee cunning
+    Have also given thee law."
+
+  And a Northman spake: "With seven
+    Fair churches when I died
+  I had paved my path to heaven;
+    Their pillage was my pride.
+
+  "I tore the saints from their niches
+    With the red hands of my rage;"
+  But what hast thou in thy ditches
+    To do with a craftless age?
+
+  "Thou hast felt no Viking's starkness;
+    Thou hast lost a Christian's throne."
+  And they drove him forth in the darkness
+    To find a place of his own.
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SILENCE OF WAR.
+
+I have a confession to make. Once in the happy far-off days--it seems
+ages since--I was bored by my fellow-passengers' conversation in the
+train. I daresay that they were equally bored by mine; but against that
+view there is the fact that this is my confession and not theirs. Well,
+I am punished now. I admit that I would give a good deal to hear
+Griffith's story of how he did the dog-leg hole in three again. There
+sits Griffith opposite to me, and no one would know that he had ever
+handled a club. He has become a golf-mute.
+
+Or think of Purvis. The recital of the performances of Purvis's new car
+lent an additional terror to railway travelling. I have forgotten the
+very make of his car now. I cannot particularise the number of its
+cylinders or say if it is electrically started. Purvis is
+conversationally punctured.
+
+There was, too, one recalls, an Insurance Act. Wilson felt a special
+grievance because he employed an aged gardener, out of charity, two days
+a week. He talked, if I remember correctly, about a cruel fourpence and
+a mythical ninepence. He read fierce letters he had composed for the
+Press, and when the papers published them, which was seldom, he read
+them to us all over again. As an anti-insurance agitator Wilson now
+comes under the unemployment section of the accursed Act.
+
+And the strange people who intruded with third-class tickets, and
+trampled on our toes, and smoked shag, and talked repulsively about the
+Cockspurs and Chelsea's new purchase from Oldham Athletic, and gave each
+other "dead certs" of appalling incertitude, and passed remarks which to
+my mind showed a shocking lack of respect for the upper and middle
+classes! We were not one class in those times.
+
+May it all come back to us soon--all the old chatter! Come back to us,
+Sir THOMAS LIPTON and the Cup! Come back to us, GLOOMY DEAN! Come back
+to us, Ninepence for Fourpence. Come back to us, "dead certs" and "also
+rans." Come back golf and motor-cars. Come back, Wicked Government and
+Wicked Opposition. Life is too painfully interesting now. I long to be
+bored again.
+
+But it must be boredom with honour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S WAR CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+NEW STYLE.
+
+Hearing that the German troops were advancing from the North-East along
+the line Malines--Mons--Mezières--Soissons--Verdun--Belfort, I
+immediately made off due South-West for a reason I may not give. I
+managed with the utmost difficulty to find someone to carry my kit, but
+at length persuaded an old peasant whom I found weeding (probably the
+last weeds he would ever dig) to act as my courier, and even then I had
+to resort to the vulgar strategy of pretending to be a Uhlan.
+
+We joined the throng boarding an old motor-bus (6-1/2 h.p.). There was
+nothing to show to outward appearance that the dreaded Germans were
+within 250 miles of the little townlet where I found myself (name
+suppressed). After booking my room at the only decent hotel in the
+place, I cast about for something to eat. Alas, the only eatables were
+roast duck and apple tart (the last probably we should ever see). I then
+unpacked my kit, and after folding my riding breeches I placed them
+under the mattress, wondering when I should take them out again. It is
+curious how even the simplest necessities of life mechanically assert
+themselves in the midst of the most strenuous and adventurous
+circumstances.
+
+Troops, troops, troops, and yet again troops. And people still go on
+living their daily lives. I saw two men seated in a _café_ playing
+draughts, and they quarrelled over a move as though they had never heard
+tell of the KAISER. Such is _la guerre_. I am rapidly polishing up my
+French which I learnt at ----, how many years ago I may not say.
+
+We know little of the German plans, and that much it is useless for me
+to communicate as the Censor is stopping all news of any interest. But
+this we do know here in our little town of ---- that the KAISER will
+undoubtedly defeat the English armies if he can. To-day I saw an officer
+who had been sent back to count the milk-cans on a large dairy-farm
+(probably the last cans he would ever count); as he clattered down the
+road, mounted on his charger, I stepped in front of him and held up my
+hand, in which was a recent copy of _The Daily Cry and Echo_. The
+officer with difficulty stopped, as his horse reared on seeing the paper
+in my hand. I then asked him where he would advise me to go, as I wanted
+to be where the fire was hottest. He at once told me to go to (name
+withheld). I often think of that gay young officer and wonder what he is
+doing.
+
+To-night I sat up late (how late we used to sit up in London!) sewing a
+button on my (word excised) and darning one of the legs. I am now
+dashing this off to catch the morning post (probably the last post that
+will ever leave for England). I could not sleep for thinking that in a
+few days' time I may hear the boom-boom-boom of the German 17.44 guns,
+the sound of which has been likened to a puppy yelping. Such is war.
+
+I hope later on to send an important document dealing with the
+dispositions of the various armies engaged. I have been fortunate enough
+to get a glimpse of plans not more than a month old which a Colonel of
+Howitzers carelessly left in the pocket of his bathing-suit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Mabel._ "MOTHER, DEAR! I DO HOPE THIS WAR WON'T BE OVER
+BEFORE I FINISH MY SOCK!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "HOT PURSUIT.
+
+     BRITISH PRESS ON HEELS OF ENEMY."
+
+     _People._
+
+At last the British Press is getting to the front.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are officially informed that, when every cat and dog in the German
+Empire has been enrolled and armed, each cat will be allowed to provide
+its own kit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Physically, Mr. Owen is a fine type, and his height is almost
+     double that of the originator of the Welsh Army Corps--the
+     Chancellor of the Exchequer.--_Western Mail._"
+
+If we allow Mr. OWEN a generous 8 feet, this would make Mr. LLOYD GEORGE
+about 4 ft. 2 in. He _must_ be taller than that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHOICE.
+
+The scene was Maida Vale--in the home of Julius Blumenbach, an
+Englishman of one generation.
+
+"Well, my dear," said Mr. Blumenbach on his return from his office, "it
+won't do. The time has come to take the plunge. We have often talked
+about it, but now we must act. Only this morning I received five letters
+closing the account--all because of the name."
+
+"You know I have urged it on you often enough," said Mrs. Blumenbach.
+"And not only have I thought it necessary, but my relatives have urged
+it too."
+
+Mr. Blumenbach repressed a gesture of impatience. "I know, I know," he
+said. "Well, we must do it. _The Times_ has a dozen notices of changed
+names every day."
+
+"The question is what shall the new one be?" his wife replied. "We must
+remember it's not only for ourselves and the business, but it will be so
+much better for the boys, too, when they go to Eton. A good name--but
+what?"
+
+"That's it," said Mr. Blumenbach. "That's the difficulty. Now I've got a
+little list here. I have been jotting down names that took my fancy for
+some time past. Of course there are many people who merely translate
+their German names, but I think we ought to go farther than that. We
+ought to be thorough while we are about it."
+
+"Yes, and let us be very careful," said Mrs. Blumenbach. "It's a great
+responsibility--a critical moment. It's almost as critical as--for a
+woman--marriage. Let us take a really nice name."
+
+"Of course," said her husband. "That goes without saying."
+
+"Yes," she continued, "but a name that goes well with 'Sir' or 'Lady.'
+You never know, you know."
+
+"I don't see, myself, that 'Sir Julius Blumenbach' would sound so bad,"
+said her husband; "I've heard worse."
+
+"But 'Sir Julius Kitchener,' for example, would sound better," said Mrs.
+Blumenbach.
+
+Mr. Blumenbach started. "You don't really suggest--" he began.
+
+"No, I don't," she replied. "But I want you to see that while we're
+about it we may as well be thorough. If at the present moment we have a
+name which is disliked here, how much wiser, when taking another, to
+choose one which is popular!"
+
+"True," Mr. Blumenbach said. "But 'Kitchener.' Isn't that----"
+
+"Too far? Perhaps so," said his wife. "Then what about 'French'?"
+
+"A little too short," said her husband. "I favour three syllables."
+
+"Then 'Smith-Dorrien'?"
+
+"Oh, let's be shy of hyphens," he replied.
+
+"Why?" she asked. "I've always had rather a partiality for them. They're
+very classy in England, too, as you would know if you were as English as
+I am."
+
+"I am English!" said Mr. Blumenbach fiercely.
+
+"Yes, dear, but not quite so---- Still, let us pass that over. The point
+is----"
+
+"No hyphens, anyway," said Mr. Blumenbach. "They're dangerous. They
+carry too much family history. No, a straightforward plain name is best.
+Like, say, 'Macdonald.'"
+
+"Scotch?"
+
+"Yes, why not?"
+
+"I hadn't been thinking that way," said Mrs. Blumenbach, "but I
+agree--why not 'Sir Julius Macdonald'? Yes, that's all right."
+
+"Or 'Mackenzie'?" said Mr. Blumenbach, consulting his list.
+
+"I prefer 'Macdonald.'"
+
+"Or 'Macintosh'?"
+
+"No, no."
+
+"Or 'Abercrombie'?"
+
+"Too long."
+
+"'Lauder'?"
+
+"No, I think not."
+
+"He's very popular."
+
+"I know; but the music-hall? No," said Mrs. Blumenbach, taking up a pen,
+"let it be 'Macdonald.'" She traced the name. "Good heavens!" she
+exclaimed suddenly, dropping the pen and pushing away the paper with a
+gesture of finality, "of course it can't be that."
+
+"Why ever not?" Mr. Blumenbach insisted.
+
+"Fancy you not knowing!" Mrs. Blumenbach replied. "You of all people!
+Why, think of the linen and the silver--all the monograms. Everything
+would have to be marked afresh. It must begin with B, of course."
+
+"Of course," said Mr. Blumenbach, mopping his brow as the terrible truth
+broke on him, "of course! What an idiot I have been! Of course it must
+begin with B. The expense!"
+
+"But fancy you not thinking of that!" Mrs. Blumenbach insisted.
+
+"Yes, fancy. It's worry over the war. I'm not myself."
+
+"Poor dear! You can't be," said his wife. "Well, what shall we do now?"
+
+"It's all right," said Mr. Blumenbach. "I'll go to the British Museum to
+look out the B's in the Edinburgh Directory."
+
+"Do, dear, do!" said his wife, and he hurried for his hat. "Just to
+think of you not thinking of that!" she repeated, as he bade her
+farewell.
+
+"Yes, indeed!" he replied. "But it's the war, I'm sure. I'm sure it's
+the war."
+
+Later in the day he returned, a potential Sir Julius Bannockburn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Enthusiast_ (_explaining the situation_). "LET THIS 'ERE
+MEAT-AXE BE THE RUSSIANS A-COMIN' IN ON THE EAST; THE CARVIN'-KNIFE'S
+THE FRENCHIES ALONG 'ERE; OUR BOYS IS THE MUSTARD-POT; AND 'ERE'S THE
+GERMANS--THIS 'ERE PLATE O' TRIPE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE GERMANISED.
+
+One touch of NIETZSCHE makes the whole world sin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOUND AND FURY.
+
+A double Dutch Agency circulates a report of a great patriotic concert
+recently held in Berlin. The programme, which is printed on a mere scrap
+of paper, was as follows:--
+
+A
+GRAND PRUSSIAN PATRIOTIC
+CONCERT
+
+IN AID OF THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT
+WAR FUND
+
+Will be held in the
+DISMANTLED BRITISH EMBASSY.
+
+     * * *
+
+PROGRAMME.
+
+I.
+
+SELECTION:
+"Hail, Smiling Marne."
+_Band of the Imperial Prussian Guard._
+
+II.
+
+SONG:
+"Father, dear Father, come Home with
+me now."
+_Words and music by
+the GERMAN CROWN PRINCE._
+
+III.
+
+BANJO RECITAL:
+"The Sally of our Ally."
+_Words and music by
+the Emperor FRANCIS JOSEPH._
+
+IV.
+
+CHORUS:
+"Forty Years On."
+_Setting arranged by
+Count VON MOLTKE the Second._
+
+V.
+
+SONG:
+"Oft in the Stilly Night."
+_Words and music by
+COUNT ZEPPELIN, composer of
+"What does little Birdie say?"_
+
+VI.
+
+RECITAL:
+"The Blue Carpathian Mountains."
+_The Viennese Orchestra._
+
+VII.
+
+HUMOROUS SONG:
+"The Bonny Bonny Banks."
+_Arranged by
+the Imperial Minister of Finance._
+
+VIII.
+
+SONG:
+"And Nobody cares for Me!"
+_Respectfully dedicated to
+the GERMAN EMPEROR._
+
+IX.
+
+GRAND PATRIOTIC CHORUS (in which
+the audience is requested to join):
+
+"PRUSSIA EXPECTS THAT EVERY MAN
+THIS DAY WILL GRAB HIS BOOTY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "GREAT SCOTT! I MUST DO SOMETHING. DASHED IF I DON'T GET
+SOME MORE FLAGS FOR THE OLD JIGGER!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STEEPLE.
+
+  There's mist in the hollows,
+    There's gold on the tree,
+  And South go the swallows
+    Away over sea.
+
+  They home in our steeple
+    That climbs in the wind,
+  And, parson and people,
+    We welcome 'em kind.
+
+  The steeple was set here
+    In 1266;
+  If WILLIAM could get here
+    He'd burn it to sticks.
+
+  He'd burn it for ever,
+    Bells, belfry and vane,
+  That swallows would never
+    Come home there again.
+
+  He'd bang down their perches
+    With cannon and gun,
+  For churches is churches,
+    And WILLIAM'S a Hun.
+
+  So--mist in the hollow
+    And leaf falling brown--
+  Ere home comes the swallow
+    May WILLIAM be down!
+
+  And high stand the steeples
+    From Lincoln to Wells,
+  For parsons and peoples,
+    For birds and for bells!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It makes things clearer, for example, if one knows that a howitzer
+     gun drops its shells, while an ordinary field gun fires them to all
+     intents and purposes vertically."
+
+     _Weekly Dispatch._
+
+Much clearer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Youthful Patriot._ "Oh, mummy, you _must_ speak to baby:
+he's most awfully naughty. He won't let nurse take his vest off, and
+(_in an awe-struck voice_) he keeps on screaming and yelling that _he
+likes the Germans_! _Anybody_ might hear him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAR-HORSE OF THE KING.
+
+  I knew you in the first flight of the Quorn,
+    One who never turned his gallant head aside
+  From bank or ditch, from double rail or thorn,
+    Or from any brook however deep and wide;
+  I know the love your owner on you spent;
+    I know the price he put upon your speed;
+  And I know he gave you freely, well content,
+    When his country called upon him in her need.
+
+  I have seen you in the bondage of the camp
+    With a heel-rope on a pastern raw and red,
+  Up and fighting at the stable-picket's tramp
+    With the courage of the way that you were bred;
+  I have seen you standing, broken, in the rain,
+    Lone and fretting for a yesterday's caress;
+  I have seen your valour spur you up again
+    From the sorrow that your patient eyes express.
+
+  Now in dreams I see your squadron at the Front,
+    You a war-horse with a hero on your back,
+  Taking bugles for the horn-blast of the hunt,
+    Taking musketry for music of the pack;
+  Made and mannered to the pattern of the rest,
+    Gathered foam--and maybe blood--upon your rein,
+  You'll be up among the foremost and the best,
+    Or we'll never trust in Leicestershire again!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A GOOD CAUSE.
+
+War or no war, the children must have their Christmas presents, and they
+wouldn't look at the usual toys made in Germany, even if they could be
+had this year. The Women's Emergency Corps has the matter in hand. Some
+fascinating models have been designed and registered, and many women who
+were in need of work are engaged in copying them under skilled
+direction. Funds are needed badly at the start, though the scheme will
+eventually support itself. For the children's sake, and even more for
+the sake of the women-breadwinners to whom the war has brought distress,
+_Mr. Punch_ begs his generous friends to help this work. Gifts should be
+sent to The Duchess of Marlborough, Old Bedford College, 8, York Place,
+Baker Street, W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MEMORY.
+
+TO THOSE WHO DIED IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE WAR.
+
+  Not theirs to triumph yet; but, where they stood,
+  Falling, to dye the earth with brave men's blood
+  For England's sake and duty. Be their name
+  Sacred among us. Wouldst thou seek to frame
+  Their fitting epitaph? Then let it be
+  Simple, as that which marked Thermopylæ:--
+  "_Tell it in England, thou that passest by,
+  Here faithful to their charge her soldiers lie._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE GREAT GOTH.
+
+DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW IN A NEO-GOTHIC CATHEDRAL AT
+POTSDAM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Newly-gazetted Subaltern._ "GIRLS! GIRLS! YOU REALLY
+MUSTN'T CROWD ROUND ME LIKE THIS. I'VE MISSED TWO SALUTES ALREADY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR DUMB ENEMIES.
+
+Although the German army already owes much of its efficiency to useful
+hints garnered from the animal kingdom--such as the goose-step, which
+has been employed with such conspicuous success in the streets of
+Brussels--we were hardly prepared for the far-reaching mobilisation of
+the more familiar mammals which is now foreshadowed. It is true that we
+had already been much impressed by the KAISER'S threat to continue the
+war to the last breath of man and horse, but it is none the less
+startling to learn, on American authority, that the German Government
+would, at a pinch, be prepared to arm every cat and dog in the Empire.
+It will thus be open to the future historian to speak of "the cats of
+war."
+
+There is another branch of the community which should not be
+overlooked--if the KAISER is willing to take a suggestion--in the form
+of the domestic cattle of the Fatherland. These, we believe, are
+admirably adapted to attack in close formation upon entrenched
+positions. And much might be done with the rats from the cellars of
+Munich--than which no finer natural warriors exist.
+
+But the new menace must be met. Fortunately, if zoological warfare is to
+become an accomplished fact, the British Empire has great untapped
+resources. It is rumoured that a Camel Corps has been despatched from
+India already, and a squadron of elephants should be a match for a whole
+Army Corps of dachshunds.
+
+On the whole we welcome the new departure. It may lead--who knows?--to
+the establishment of a higher standard in German civilized warfare.
+
+An interesting light has been thrown on this new mobilisation by a
+letter concealed in the whiskers of the captured mascot (a
+Tortoiseshell) of a Bavarian regiment. It runs as follows:--
+
+    POTSDAM.
+    (Can't divulge address.)
+
+    DEAR GRETCHEN,--Awful bad luck for poor Schneider. He went to
+    enlist and was told to register! Of course he's got a streak of the
+    Persian in him on his mother's side, and used to brag about it, as
+    we all know; but now it's done him in the eye, and he's fairly mad.
+    Carl is in the commissariat and tells me we've got three million
+    tins of sardines; so that's all right as far as it goes; but, if
+    there's any weakness in the victualling department, I shall be the
+    first to leave the colours.
+
+    They're making one huge mistake. The dogs are called out too. You know
+    what German dogs are--sausage-food, we call them. Of course they'll be
+    cut up and give the show away. But, if they're in the first line with
+    us behind them, they'll have to fight somebody.
+
+    Albrecht is in the Royal Blacks (Empress's own). Max has joined the 3rd
+    Tabbies, and I've got a command in the 10th Tortoiseshells.
+
+    Your one and only
+    PUSS IN PRUSSIANS.
+
+    P.S.--It's a joke with the Tabby regiments that they've got their
+    stripes already.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ste. Menehould is 32 miles due west of Verdun. Montfaucon is 18
+     miles north-east of Ste. Menehould and a dozen miles north-west of
+     Verdun."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+The War has changed many things; among them the triangle's old habit of
+having two of its sides together greater than the third. But there;
+"necessity," as the IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR says, "knows no law."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Humorist (to Cinema Commissionaire)._ "NOW VEN, WILHELM,
+GIVE US ONE OR TWO GOOSE-STEPS!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+IV.
+
+Dear Charles,--Half-a-dozen officers of _the_ battalion, including your
+own pet terrier, have got cut off from the main body, but are all alive
+and well, as you shall hear. We have come down from our war to our peace
+station in order to gather together the few hundred recruits who have
+been enrolled to bring up the brigade to its proper establishment, and
+fill the places of those luckless fellows whose flesh was too weak for
+Imperial service, however willing their spirit might have been. I must
+say I was more sorry for the "medically unfit" than I have ever been for
+anyone in this hard world, when we took affectionate leave of them.
+
+The recruit is an excellent fellow, whose only fault is that he didn't
+start before. Now and then he is a plutocrat, as I have found to my
+cost. It was my first job to prearrange the lodging of two hundred of
+them in their temporary billet, an unoccupied mansion originally
+designed to house twenty persons at the outside. There was an overflow,
+as you may imagine, which had to be lodged in the outhouses. The garage
+I marked out for twenty-five, leaving it to themselves to decide whether
+or not the inspection-pit was the place of honour reserved for the
+N.C.O. in charge. Other business prevented my receiving them at the
+front gate and conducting them to their several rooms. When I did arrive
+on the scene it was my heartrending duty to explain to Privates
+Anstruther and Vernon that the reason why they couldn't find their
+bedroom was because they had filled it with their motor-cars. But it is
+wonderful how people can settle down to anything; an hour later I found
+the twenty-five of them comfortably tucked in for the night, crooning
+unanimously, "There's no place like home!" To-day they have chalked up
+on the wall, "The Ritz Private Boarding Establishment; well-aired beds;
+bring your own straw. Excellent cuisine. _No_ garage."
+
+This is the sort of remark which, as you go the rounds of the mess
+tables, you have to pretend you have not heard: "The officer wants to
+know if you have all got plenty of potatoes. Every man stand up and say
+'I have';" and, to demonstrate the _camaraderie_ which exists in the
+hard circumstances of military life, "George, lend me your slice of
+bacon to clean my knife with." The most moving reply I have personally
+received came from one of the less-educated section. I asked to what
+company he was attached, and he didn't know. "Who is your captain?" I
+said. "'Im with the scuppered 'at," was the descriptive reply. Captain
+Herne has since lectured his gang on the rudiments of military
+discipline, first, however, replenishing his neglected equipment.
+
+And now let us turn from the domestic aspect to the infantry training,
+and let me tell you all about outposts, their duty and their manner of
+performing it. Outpost companies, it must be remembered, do their work
+at night. I don't know, Charles, whether you have ever sat under a hedge
+for hours on end in the dark, waiting the approach of the enemy. It must
+be bad enough in real warfare, where there is a chance of his turning
+up; but in practice it is worse, for there is the certainty that he
+_must_ turn up. He left the camp an hour before you did yourself, and,
+if he does succeed in getting through your lines, he'll never let you
+hear the last of it.
+
+Now you must remember that my fellows had spent many weary days "sloping
+arms," only to unslope them again almost immediately, and in other
+sufficiently bloodless pursuits. They are naturally of a pugilistic
+breed, and the attacking party comprised old-time opponents. Constant
+efforts to keep a watch in the dark are trying to the nerves, and when
+something substantial does emerge which one may get a grip on ... what
+use is it for an officer to say that no violence is required and enough
+is done for present purposes if the enemy is successfully observed and
+quietly apprehended? The first enemy to approach turned out, on arrest,
+to be just an innocuous cow; but this disappointment served only to make
+the aspect of my men even more menacing. The next arrival was a hapless
+scout of the attacking party: he had come to surprise, but was himself
+violently surprised. What advice and exhortations I had to give were
+lost in the hubbub. "Put up your fists, chaps, and let him have it!" was
+the order, which was obeyed. The necessity for silence was forgotten;
+here was something upon which to wreak all the pent-up feelings
+consequent upon a month's perusal of German atrocities. It was
+excusable, if unsporting, for the scout to bite the thumb of his nearest
+assailant--and a good thorough bite it was. It fell to my lot later to
+dress the wound; as I did so the casualty explained to me fully and
+often the exact circumstances of the case. But he was not angry about
+it; far from it. With an expression of feature combining interested
+enquiry with perfect readiness to accept whatever might be in the proper
+order of infantry training, he said, "And then 'e bit me thumb, Sir. Was
+that right?"
+
+D'Arcy and I had an awkward moment the other day. We turned into a
+wayside golf club in an emergency, and begged to be allowed to buy our
+tea there. Even as we did so the Secretary himself arrived in a motor
+car, which, as we were not aware, had but a little while ago overtaken
+Major Danks and the half battalion under his charge. Even the Secretary
+himself, accustomed to ignore foot-passengers, did not appreciate that
+he had roused the Major's wrath by the haste of his overtaking. The
+Secretary was, to us, politeness itself--nay more, he insisted upon our
+being the guests of the club not only on that occasion but on every
+available opportunity. Other members gathered round and endorsed his
+view. We returned thanks in brief and soldierly speeches. There were, by
+way of reply, votes of confidence, and, in rejoinder, expressions of
+reciprocated esteem. The invitation was extended to every officer in the
+battalion, and then we withdrew to the wash-house to prepare to
+receive hospitality. Hardly had we departed when the Major arrived, and
+we returned from our ablutions, if not into the open, at least
+sufficiently near to hear him reprimanding the Secretary in the most
+violent terms, threatening arrest to the miscreant chauffeur, and,
+indeed, the annihilation of the whole clubhouse and links, and every
+man, woman and child in or about them. Old man, I have never less
+enjoyed a meal at others' expense than I did the tea which followed.
+
+Acting temporarily as Quarter-Master I went to the butcher's to-day. "A
+nice morning, Sir," said he. What could he do for me? "What about some
+beef?" said I. "About ten pounds?" he suggested. "Nearer two hundred," I
+replied.... "Good day," he concluded, as he bowed me out of the shop. "A
+_very_ nice morning, Sir."
+
+I'll tell you my opinion of these soldiers, Charles, amateur or
+professional. Feed them like princes and pamper them like babies, and
+they'll complain all the time. But stand them up to be shot at and
+they'll take it as a joke, and rather a good joke, too.
+
+  Yours ever,
+  HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Scene: Playground of sand in a London park._
+
+_Kind-hearted Old Lady._ "THAT LITTLE BOY LOOKS VERY LONELY. WHY DON'T
+YOU ASK HIM TO PLAY WITH YOU?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "OW, DON'T TAKE NO NOTICE OF 'IM, LIDY. 'E'S SWANKIN'
+'COS 'E'S BIN TO THE SEASIDE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF THE SECRETS OF RUSSIAN SUCCESS.
+
+(_By our Military Expert._)
+
+The brief statement from Headquarters at Petrograd that on the
+South-West front Wszlmysl has fallen and that the pursuit of the
+Austrians has reached Mlprknik has a significance that may easily be
+overlooked by those who are unfamiliar with the topography of the
+district and its pronunciation. Wszlmysl (pronounce Wozzle-mizzle) is a
+large fortified town in the district of Mprzt (pronounce Ha-djisha), at
+the junction of the rivers Ug (pronounce Oogh) and Odzwl (pronounce
+Odol), about ten miles to the N.E. of Ploschkin (pronounce as written),
+with which it is connected by an electric tramway. The information
+available shows that the garrison of Wszlmysl (pronounce Woolloomoolloo)
+deserted their guns and retreated in haste with the Russians in hot
+pursuit. Now, inasmuch as this fortress has been pronounced by the
+Russian expert, Colonel Shumsky (pronounce Sch-tchoomsky), to be
+stronger than either Namur or Liége, the precipitate retirement of the
+Austrians can only be accounted for by a complete breakdown of _moral_.
+
+The cause of this breakdown may escape most observers, but it is in
+reality simple enough. It has long been known that the Austrians have
+found themselves terribly handicapped by their inability to deal
+faithfully with the consonantal difficulties presented by the names of
+towns and districts in which the ethnic basis is Slav and not Teutonic.
+Quite recently, on the capture of the town of Prtnkévichsvtntchiskow
+(unpronounceable, and only to be approximately rendered with the
+assistance of a powerful Claxon horn), the garrison were found to be in
+a deplorable condition of aphasia and suffering from chronic laryngitis.
+We have therefore the best grounds for believing that a similar cause
+operated in the case of the Austrian defenders of Wszlmysl. They fled
+because they were unable to cope with the vocal exigencies of the
+situation.
+
+To sum up, we have in our Eastern ally a nation not only great in
+numbers, in warlike prowess, and in enthusiasm for their cause, but also
+fortified by the possession of a language so rich in phonetic variety
+and so formidable in consonantal concentration as to strike terror into
+opponents of lesser linguistic capacity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THOSE WHO SIT IN JUDGMENT."
+
+In days of great national tension the public needs some coaxing to be
+got into the theatre at all. Our managers should either, at the risk of
+appearing callous, offer us a pure distraction from the strain of things
+or else provide something in harmony with the emotions of the time. But
+frankly I cannot find in the programme at the St. James's any apparent
+sign of consideration for present conditions. It is true that it
+supplies excellent entertainment for Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, who has
+plenty of occupation in a part that suits him well. But I was thinking,
+selfishly enough, of my own needs and those of other non-combatants.
+
+I admit that the scene in West Africa was a diverting novelty. I had
+never before, to my recollection, met a native monarch from the Gold
+Coast, and I have pleasure in accepting the assurance of Mr. CROWTHER,
+Secretary for Native Affairs in this district, that they are like that.
+But it was impossible to feel any very deep concern as to what might
+happen to the damaged hero (_Michael Trent_) on his return to England
+after the failure of his rubber schemes. The best he could hope for, by
+way of consolation for being misunderstood, was to become a
+co-respondent in a suit brought by the chief sitter-in-judgment. Even so
+we might have contrived a little sympathy if the woman's fifth-rate
+environment had not made any community of tastes hopelessly improbable.
+For her, too, it seemed to us a poor business that the only
+encouragement she could offer him in the undeserved ruin of his career
+was to get it blasted all over again--and this time on a true charge--by
+running away with him.
+
+But the rubber-man in the play was never a hero. There in his Gold Coast
+shanty we see his lover's young brother dying of fever under his eyes.
+Yet from the moment when he himself gets a touch of the same complaint
+he takes to brandy, and practically loses all further interest--at any
+rate of a coherent kind--in the fate of his _protégé_. And at the
+end--though he seems to take a good deal of personal pride in the
+prospect--the only heroism that lies before him is the living-down of a
+sordid scandal in the divorce-court.
+
+As _Michael Trent_, Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER played excellently, and I have
+nothing to say against either the quality or the quantity of his work,
+except that in the First Act the tale of his experience in the Beresu
+forest, which began with a very natural air, developed into something
+like a recitation. He might almost have been Mr. ROOSEVELT, in a mood of
+exaltation, describing his river to the Geographical Society. That
+clever actress, Miss HENRIETTA WATSON, had to play a difficult part as
+_Trent's_ lover, in a vein that, I think, is new to her. She did it
+well, though she seemed to start on a note of intensity which left her
+too little margin for the time when she really needed it; her appeal,
+too, was rather to our intelligence than our hearts. Mr. NIGEL PLAYFAIR,
+waiving his gift of deliberate humour, showed himself a master of the
+petty meannesses of a certain phase of suburban banality. Mr. VOLPÉ
+presided, with the right rotundity of a rubber company's chairman, over
+a very spirited meeting of indignant share-holders. And, finally,
+nothing became Mr. REGINALD OWEN so well as the manner of his dying.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"YOUNG WISDOM."
+
+_Victoria_ was very young and very, very wise. She knew all about the
+slavery of the marriage-tie, the liberty of the female subject, and
+high-sounding things of that sort, and kept books of advanced thinking
+secretly under her mattress--where her little brother found them and
+thought them dull, and her mother found them and thought them rather
+funny. _Victoria's_ theory was that all marriages ought to be preceded
+by a trial trip, but it was her sister _Gail_ who had the pluck to put
+this theory into practice. She insisted on her young man, _Peter_,
+eloping with her on the night before their wedding. _Peter_, a simple
+gentleman with a mouth permanently open, was reluctantly persuaded.
+Whereupon _Christopher_, the best man, engaged to _Victoria_, insisted
+upon _Victoria_ also living up to her theory and eloping without
+clerical assistance--which she did almost as unwillingly as _Peter_. The
+two couples meet at midnight in an old moorland cottage rented by an
+artist called _Max_ (no, not the one you think), whereupon two important
+things happen:--
+
+(1) _Gail_ decides in about twenty minutes that she loves
+_Max_, not _Peter_. (2) _Victoria_ decides that she hates trial
+trips. So they all five go back together, and, after a lot of
+"Tut-tut-what-the-blank-upon-my-souls" from the military stage-father,
+they sort themselves out again and get married properly--_Peter_ being
+left over with a cold in the head.
+
+The author, Miss RACHEL CROTHERS, has not strained herself severely in
+writing _Young Wisdom_, and the result is a pleasantly innocent little
+play, which, thanks to the Misses MARGERY MAUDE and MADGE TITHERADGE as
+the two sisters, and Mr. JOHN DEVERELL as _Peter_, gave us all a good
+deal of pleasure. Miss MAUDE had a part with a little comedy in it for
+once, and she played it delightfully.
+
+  M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDITATIONS ON MUSHROOMS.
+
+We were playing the ancient and honourable game of acrostics and we had
+to think of and describe a word bounded on the West by the initial E,
+and on the East by the final H.
+
+"That which you can never have of mushrooms," was one of the
+descriptions. It was, of course, guessed at once--"Enough;" and could
+there be a truer compliment to this strange exotic delicacy, which costs
+nothing but a walk in an early autumnal morning and is more choice than
+the rarest flavours ever designed by the most inspired of _chefs_? For
+certainly there has never been enough of them. I, at any rate, have
+never had enough. The thought of mushrooms missed must add pathos to
+many a death-bed.
+
+It is a terrible moment when the dish comes in and one rapidly notes the
+disparity between the paucity of its contents and the vast and eager
+anticipation of the company. For it is useless to attempt to conceal
+greed when mushrooms arrive. A certain amount of dissimulation has
+mercifully been given by a wise Providence to all of us for the
+lubrication of the cogs of daily life; but it does not extend so far as
+this. And particularly so if the mushrooms have been fried in butter.
+Stewed they are not of course to be undervalued, especially if one dares
+to soak one's bread in the juice; nor even reposing in tragic isolation
+on Juan Fernandezes of toast; but the real way is to fry them in butter.
+As I say, it is a terrible moment when the dish arrives and the faces of
+the guests are studied; but should there be one present, or--more
+ecstatic moment still--two, who confess to a dislike of this perilous
+fungus, then what an access of rapture by way of compensation! Truly
+wise hostesses have been known to murmur something about toadstools and
+risk, as an encouragement to the doubters; or if they don't their
+husbands do. It is however no real good! Even with two defaulters the
+dish does no more than stimulate desire; whilst such is its power of
+fascination that consummate _gourmets_ have been known to express no
+dismay at the possibility of poison being there, a death so won being
+worth dying.
+
+Mushrooms, to win such homage as this, must be picked in the fields and
+cooked at home. The forced mushrooms which grow under the shelf in the
+greenhouse or in a corner of the cellar lack something of divinity;
+while there is not a restaurant _chef_ in the world who has not a long
+record of ruined mushrooms to his name. No sooner does a public cook get
+at a mushroom than it begins to deteriorate. When the _chef_ comes in at
+the door the savour flies out of the window. It is a point of honour
+with him. When therefore I said that one can never have enough mushrooms
+I meant at home.
+
+It is an injustice to the mushroom to eat it as an adjunct to other
+food; while there is one meat which in alliance it renders unwholesome.
+The odd thing is that every one differs as to what this meat is; but my
+own hazy recollection says mutton. Still that prohibition is not for us,
+who know the only way in which mushrooms should be eaten: fried, with
+bread and butter, and the butter spread too thick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is rumoured that the freedom of Hunstanton is to be conferred on the
+KAISER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE BULL-DOG BREED.
+
+_Officer._ "NOW, MY LAD, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PLACED HERE FOR?"
+
+_Recruit._ "TO PREVENT THE HENEMY FROM LANDIN', SIR."
+
+_Officer._ "AND DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD PREVENT HIM LANDING ALL BY
+YOURSELF?"
+
+_Recruit._ "DON'T KNOW, SIR, I'M SURE. BUT I'D HAVE A DAM GOOD TRY!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BUSINESS AS USUAL."
+
+Corkey is the School Attendance Officer and a terror to every boy in the
+neighbourhood. He looks at the truant and says fiercely, "Where was
+you?" Then he wags a savage finger at him. "Yes, you was," he says, "you
+was, you know you was. I caught you in the hact." No boy has ever been
+known to withstand him.
+
+Yet Corkey has a heart.
+
+William Frederick Wright is our chief boy scout. In the first great days
+of the war, William was on duty at a railway bridge up the line. Local
+fame placed him somewhere between FRENCH and KITCHENER. Sent to round up
+the truant, Corkey reported in glowing words, "_Guarding his country._"
+
+A second week's absence produced the same report. Then business instinct
+began to war with patriotism in the breast of Corkey. During the third
+week he once more looked the culprit up.
+
+His report was grim and terse. "_Warned him_," he wrote.
+
+On the following Monday William sadly returned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AWAKENING.
+
+  Ere our lesson to the KAISER,
+    Self-anointed Lord of Earth,
+  Left that furious monarch wiser
+    _Re_ our troops' intrinsic worth,
+  Frankly, I had thought you flighty,
+    Callous to the very core;
+  Lovely?--yes, like Aphrodite;
+          Nothing more.
+
+  Later, when you slaked your thirsting
+    For an apron, cuffs and cap,
+  Long before the war-cloud, bursting,
+    Made a mess of Europe's map,
+  Though your mind showed some improvement,
+    Lady, I conceived you had
+  Joined a purely social movement
+          For a fad.
+
+  Now the scales at length uplifted
+    From my eyes in you reveal,
+  Verily, a woman gifted
+    With the power to help and heal.
+  So I send, for shame, these verses
+    Where you brave the battle's brunt,
+  One of England's noble Nurses
+          At the front.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I always open a new book by GERTRUDE ATHERTON with a pleasant
+grace-before-meat sensation of being already truly thankful for what I
+am about to receive. And it is hardly ever that I am disappointed. I do
+not mean to tell you that her latest story, which bears the attractive
+title _Perch of the Devil_ (MURRAY), will eclipse the record of all that
+has gone before; but it need not do that to be well worth reading. It is
+a tale of mining life, set against a background of claims and veins and
+drifts and ores--things that I for one delight to read about because of
+their infinite possibilities, the romance of the gamble that is in them.
+There is plenty of this gamble in _Perch of the Devil_ (the mountain
+township where the miners lived). _Gregory Compton_, the hero, makes his
+pile all right, and has some rare moments in doing it. He would have
+been happier if he could have enjoyed prosperity, when it came, for its
+own sake and for that of his pretty wife. But, though he bestowed upon
+her all the luxuries that successful mining commands--frocks and cars
+and European travel--it was another woman, _Ora_, who had his heart. And
+unfortunately she was the wife of his partner. It is with this quartette
+of characters that Mrs. ATHERTON works out her tale, an unusually small
+cast for a story of 373 pages; but you will hardly need to be told with
+what sympathetic and subtle skill she depicts them. Her art is, as
+always, extraordinarily minute and close. The two women especially are
+made to live before us with a great effect of actuality. She has wit,
+too, of a dry, rather grim, kind. I liked her comparison of _Gregory's_
+emotion on finding himself in love with _Ora_ to that of a small boy
+despising himself for a second attack of measles before he discovers the
+later complaint to be scarlet fever. You must read this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In no industrial survey of the present situation have I seen any
+reliable estimate of the probable output of patriotic romance. Yet the
+figures seem likely to be impressive. One of the earliest samples is
+before me now. It is called _The Gate of England_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), with the sub-title, _A Romance of the Days of Drake_, and is
+in every way true to its admirable type. What I mean by this is that it
+contains everything that you expect and are glad to find--a Virgin
+Queen, imperious and quick of retort, with a generous eye for the claims
+of gallantry; a hero who simply could not be more heroic; villains (of
+Spanish name, priests, murderers, all a regular bad lot), and the right
+proportion of female interest and humorous relief. Need I give you the
+details? How the hero, Captain of the Queen's body-guard, saves Her
+Majesty's life (a scene with a genuine thrill in it) and is rewarded by
+her. How he goes in command of an expedition against Channel
+freebooters, and finally ends up as an agent of the British Intelligence
+Department, finding out things about the army of His Grace of Parma,
+then at Dunkirk awaiting conveyance by the Spanish fleet. He seems,
+however, to have been something of a failure in the way of intelligence,
+as by lack of this the hero managed to get himself and his companion
+imprisoned for spies (which indeed they were), and was only rescued by
+the intervention of DRAKE as the god from the machine. A pleasant, if
+undistinguished, tale that will be enjoyed by the young of all ages. It
+is a minor point, but when one finds the hero called _Christopher
+Stone_, and another character rejoicing in the name of _Gabriel Ray_, it
+is hard to acquit the author of some poverty of invention. His own name
+(I had almost forgotten to mention) is MORICE GERARD; and he has done
+better work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Pan-Germanism_ (CONSTABLE) is a seasonable cheap reprint of a study of
+that egregious creed by ROLAND G. USHER, an American Professor of
+History. With an almost cynical candour and detachment the author
+analyses the origins, assumptions, justifications and pretensions, and
+foreshadows with some insight the miscalculations, of those who have
+essayed to direct the destinies of modern Germany. It is as well that
+this essay comes from a neutral pen; it would else be discredited as a
+freak of prejudice. Pan-Germanism, as here seen, is the _reductio ad
+absurdum_ of the doctrine that all is fair in war--and peace. It is no
+less than blank anarchy, philosophic and practical, and indefinitely
+less workable as a theory of international life than that of the so long
+discredited Sermon on the Mount. The honest Briton can find here solid
+justification of his cause. Perhaps it is not altogether unwholesome
+that our national withers don't entirely escape wringing. We are a
+little guilty, but much less guilty than our arch-opponent; so thinks
+this sober and wide-eyed critic.... Certainly, and the more
+significantly since it is without direction or intention of the writer,
+one sees behind all the tragedy of these dark weeks and of the long
+months and years to come the sinister picture of a man of no more than
+common earthly wisdom saddled with responsibilities that might well
+break the nerve of a council of the gods. Is it well, if the matches
+must be kept in the powder-magazine, to let the children in to play with
+them?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: PERHAPS THE LONDON PUBLIC WOULD FEEL MORE SECURE IF OUR
+GUARDIAN AIRSHIP WERE MADE IN THIS PATTERN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  That he will arm the German cat and dog
+    The KAISER swears in language hot and heady;
+  He leaves the swine out of his catalogue
+    Because the swine, it seems, are armed already.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HORRORS OF WAR.
+
+     "Another German officer prays for a decisive engagement which will
+     put an end to bloody encounters. One evening he and his
+     fellow-officers had to share between themselves a meal prepared for
+     their men."--_Times._
+
+The records of the war have furnished many instances of physical
+hardship, but none more terrible than this.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 27967-8.txt or 27967-8.zip *******
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 30, 1914, by Various</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 30, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 30, 1914</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Sir Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: February 2, 2009  [eBook #27967]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 147.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>September 30, 1914.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA</h2>
+
+<p>The German troops which started out for a "pleasure trip" to Paris are
+now reported, owing, no doubt, to the influence of British environment,
+to be taking their pleasures sadly.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Several reasons have been given for the destruction of Rheims Cathedral.
+The real one is now said to be the following. Owing to the Red Cross
+Flag being flown from one of the towers the Germans thought the building
+was only a hospital.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Scotsman gifted with much native humour wishes it to be known how glad
+he is to see that the Frenchmen have been getting their Aisne back.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is reported that the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> is proceeding to East Prussia to assume
+the chief command there. In Petrograd the news is only credited by
+extreme optimists.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It does not say much for the enterprise of our English newspapers that
+we should have had to go all the way to India for a reference to what
+must have been an exceedingly clever capture of one of the enemy. "As
+the war progresses," says <i>The Times of India</i> of the 20th ult., "the
+stories of German brutality become more and more frequent. One instance
+is shown in a letter from a German soldier captured in a mail-bag in
+Lorraine."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We have always held that the Turkish sense of humour has been
+underrated. A leading Ottoman statesman has told <i>Der Tag</i> (the
+newspaper of that name: the real thing has not turned up yet): "We only
+fear for Germany one thing&mdash;her magnanimity towards the conquered, a
+quality which she shares with the great Turkish conquerors of the past."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There is reported to be an uneasy feeling among the poor in our big
+towns that, if hard times should come, an attempt will be made to foist
+on them many of the weirder garments which kind-hearted ladies have been
+making for the troops.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The attention of the public is being directed to the value of fish as a
+food, in contradistinction, we suppose, to its remarkable qualities as a
+perfume.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George's</span> statement that "The Prussian Junker is the road-hog
+of modern Europe" has, we hear, had a curious and satisfactory sequel.
+Large numbers of adepts in the art of pig-sticking are joining the
+Sportsmans' Battalion which is now in process of formation.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Not the least encouraging result of the War would seem to be that it has
+put a stopper on decadent ideas as to dress. Mlle. <span class="sc">Gaby Deslys</span>, we read,
+found herself unable to begin her season at the Palace the week before
+last as her dresses were delayed in Paris.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A London-born Italian organ-grinder who was plying his trade in Wales
+has, <i>The Express</i> tells us, enlisted in Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener's</span> Army for
+foreign service, and has left his organ in charge of the recruiting
+officer at Barmouth. A pity. It should have made a powerful weapon to
+use against the enemy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>So much has been written about the brutality of the Germans that it
+seems only fair to draw attention to an act of humanity on their part.
+Steps have been taken at Stuttgart, at any rate, to protect prisoners
+against annoyance. "It is," runs a proclamation, "rigorously forbidden
+for any woman to cast amorous glances at British and French prisoners."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 70%">
+<a href="images/271.png">
+<img src="images/271.png" width="100%" alt="Taking No Risks." /></a><br />
+<h4><span class="sc">Taking No Risks.</span></h4>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A HAUNT OF ANCIENT PEACE.</h2>
+
+<p>The young man who had come into this quiet room looked round him with a
+sigh of relief at finding it empty. It was a large room, and he knew it
+well. Usually a little sombre and even oppressive of aspect, to-day it
+seemed filled only with an atmosphere of kindly security and
+benevolence. He noticed (being sensitive to such impressions) that in
+some strange way this restful atmosphere seemed to emanate from the
+large table, covered with illustrated papers and magazines, that stood
+in the centre. He approached it and, drawing up a chair, began to take
+the papers one after another into his hands.</p>
+
+<p>Then he understood. Gradually, as he read, the nightmare that life had
+lately become faded away from him, and he saw himself once more
+surrounded by the sane and gentle interests that had been familiar to
+him from childhood. In one paper he read how such and such Duchesses
+were preparing yacht-parties for Cowes, and of the thrilling triumphs of
+the Russian ballet. Another told him that the Government was a
+collection of craven imbeciles, and that the price of rubber continued
+disappointing. He saw photographs of golf-champions and ladies in the
+chorus of musical comedies. One paper had a picture representing the
+state entry into somewhere or other of a&mdash;a German Royalty. The uniforms
+in this caused him a momentary uneasiness, as of a light sleeper who
+stirs in his dream and seems about to wake. Then he turned the page, and
+the dream closed upon him again as he contemplated an illustrated
+solution of the problem "Where shall we spend our summer holidays?"</p>
+
+<p>He sighed contentedly and went on turning the pages, here reading a
+paragraph, here merely glancing at pictures or headlines. Thus the hours
+passed. How peaceful it was in this quiet room! And this table of
+literature, strange that never before had he appreciated its subtle
+charm....</p>
+
+<p>Long afterwards, when they came to seek him, he was found asleep, a
+happy smile upon his face, and his weary head fallen forward amid the
+two-months-old newspapers of the dentist's waiting-room.</p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN IMPERIAL OVERTURE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>From notes taken by a British airman while engaged in hovering
+over the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> headquarters at &mdash;&mdash;. The name of the place is
+excised because the Press Bureau Authorities do not wish the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>
+to be informed of his own whereabouts.]</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Now let an awful silence hold the field,</p>
+<p class="i2">And everybody else's mouth be sealed;</p>
+<p class="i2">For lo! your <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> (sound the warning gong!)</p>
+<p class="i2">Prepares to loose his clarion lips in song.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">In time of War the poet gets his chance,</p>
+<p class="i2">When even wingless Pegasi will prance;</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet We, whose pinions oft outsoared the crow's,</p>
+<p class="i2">Have hitherto confined Ourself to prose.</p>
+<p class="i2">But who shall doubt that We could sing as well as</p>
+<p class="i2">That Warrior-bard <span class="sc">Tyrt&aelig;us</span>, late of Hellas,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who woke the Spartans up with words and chorus</p>
+<p class="i2">Twenty-six centuries B.U. (Before Us)?</p>
+<p class="i2">Also, since Truth is near allied to Beauty,</p>
+<p class="i2">We are convinced that We shall prove more fluty</p>
+<p class="i2">Than certain British scribes whom We have read</p>
+<p class="i2">(Recently published by The Bodley Head).</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Well, then, it is Our purpose to inflame</p>
+<p class="i2">Our soldiers' arteries with lust of fame;</p>
+<p class="i2">To give them something in the lyric line</p>
+<p class="i2">That shall be tantamount to fumes of wine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet not too heady, like the champagne (sweet)</p>
+<p class="i2">That lately left them dormant in the street,</p>
+<p class="i2">So that the British, coming up just then,</p>
+<p class="i2">Took them for swine and not for gentlemen.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Rather we look to brace them, soul and limb,</p>
+<p class="i2">With something in the nature of a hymn,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which they may chant, assisted by the band,</p>
+<p class="i2">While working backwards to the Fatherland.</p>
+<p class="i2">Put to the air of <i>Deutschland &uuml;ber alles</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Or else to one of Our own sacred ballets,</p>
+<p class="i2">The lilt of it should leave their hearts so fiery</p>
+<p class="i2">That at the finish they would make enquiry&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">"What would our <span class="sc">Attila</span> to-day have done?"</p>
+<p class="i2">And, crying "Havoc!" go and play the Hun.</p>
+<p class="i2">For there are some cathedrals standing yet,</p>
+<p class="i2">And heavy is the task to Culture set,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere We may lay aside the holy rod</p>
+<p class="i2">Made to chastise the foes of Us and God.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">And now that We are fairly in the vein</p>
+<p class="i2">Let Us proceed to build the lofty strain.</p>
+<p class="i2">Ho! bid the Muse to enter and salute</p>
+<p class="i2">The burnished toe of Our Imperial boot!</p>
+<p class="i2">Hush! guns! and, ye howitzers, cease your fire!</p>
+<p class="i2">We, <span class="sc">William</span>, are about to sound the lyre!</p>
+</div></div >
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<p><i>Note.</i>&mdash;Unfortunately the actual composition of which
+this is the preface has been censored, as likely to have a disintergrating effect
+upon the discipline of our forces at the front.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Two Voices.</h4>
+
+<p>"It was Mr. Will Crooks, the well-known Labour member, who
+asked the Chairman if the House might sing 'God Save the King,'
+and when Mr. Crooks started it in his deep bass voice everyone stood
+up and joined in the singing."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Moreover, Mr. Crooks had pitched the tune a little too high, and
+it seemed for a moment that he with his rich high tenor voice would
+have to sing the anthem as a solo."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2>
+
+<center>No. II.</center><br />
+
+<center>(<i>From the Rev. Dr. <span class="sc">Dryander</span>, Court Chaplain.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Most allgracious Sir,&mdash;Now that I have finished
+writing my sermon for next Sunday I can find time for a
+little quiet sound thinking by way of a change. I can say
+quite seriously that I am tired to death of writing and
+preaching sermons. It is not permitted, highly honoured
+EMPEROR, that in my sermon I say anything displeasing to
+your Imperial self. I must not remind you that you are a
+man like other men, a man liable to weakness and error,
+swayed by temper, capable, since your position gives you
+power, of trampling on the rights of others in a moment of
+passion, of confounding justice with your own desires and
+of mistaking the promptings of ambition or malice or envy
+for an inspiration from Heaven itself. No, I must not say
+all this or any of it, but, on the contrary, I must describe
+you to yourself and your family and the chosen intimates
+who flatter you beyond even my power to flatter, I must
+describe you, I say, as the Lord's, anointed, as the vice-gerent
+of God on earth, as being raised by God's favour
+above all human foibles, in short, as being supremely right
+and just whenever your faults and your injustice cry aloud
+for the divine punishment. Even if you were a thoroughly
+good and sensible man, <i>totus teres atque rotundus</i>, instead
+of being a bundle of caprice and prejudice, the task would
+be difficult. As it is, it is unpleasant and ought to be impossible.
+My sermons exist to prove that I have attempted
+it with such courage as I could command, although in these
+conditions courage is only another name for the cowardly
+compliance that causes a man to detest himself and to take
+a low view of human nature.</p>
+
+<p>At any rate I have done my best for you. How many
+times have I not bidden the faithful to fall down before you
+and worship you? Have I not proved from Holy Scripture
+that your lightest word is spoken, not by you, but by the
+Almighty; that you, in fact, are something higher and
+better in bones and flesh and blood and brains than anything
+that mere ordinary mortals can pretend to be? I can
+see you nodding your head in Imperial approval when such
+phrases came from me, and all the time I knew in my
+heart that the God of whom you were thinking, and to
+whose intimacy you pretended, was not the God under
+whom a Christian minister takes service, but a being
+formed after the image of a Prussian drill-sergeant who
+wears a pointed helmet and a turned-up moustache.</p>
+
+<p>Sir, I have my doubts as to this fearful war in which we
+are engaged. You entered upon it, you say, to carry out
+your treaty obligations to Austria. Treaties, no doubt, are
+sacred things. But why, then, was not the treaty obligation
+to Belgium as sacred as that with Austria? Was it
+because Belgium was weak and (as you thought) defenceless
+that you invaded her country, slaughtered her people,
+and sacked her towns? Was this the reason for the foul
+treatment of Louvain? And is it agreeable, do you think,
+to the Almighty that the glorious Cathedral of Rheims
+should be bombarded and ruined even by German shells?</p>
+
+<p>When the years have rolled on and you shall have been
+called away to render an account of what you did on earth,
+for what reasons will you be remembered amongst men?
+Not because you established justice and did good deeds&mdash;or
+even great ones&mdash;for your people, but because you
+plunged the world in war in order to feed your vanity,
+and laid waste Belgium and shattered the Cathedral of
+Rheims. Truly a shining memory.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours, in all humility,</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Dryander.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/273.png">
+<img src="images/273.png" width="100%" alt="BOER AND BRITON TOO."  /></a>
+<h5>BOER AND BRITON TOO.</h5>
+<p><span class="sc">General Botha</span> (<i>composing telegram to the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span></i>). "JUST OFF TO REPEL
+ANOTHER RAID. YOUR CUSTOMARY WIRE OF CONGRATULATION SHOULD BE ADDRESSED: 'BRITISH HEADQUARTERS&mdash;GERMAN SOUTH-WEST AFRICA.'"</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/275.png">
+<img src="images/275.png" width="100%" alt="You captured ten Germans by yourself?" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Incredulous friend</i> (<i>to soldier invalided home</i>).
+"<span class="sc">What&mdash;you captured ten Germans by yourself? Good gracious! How did you
+do it?</span>"</p>
+<p ><i>Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">I just shouted out 'Waiter!' and they came along.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE LAST LINE.</h2>
+
+<center>I.</center>
+
+<p>We are the last line of defence. When the Regular Army and the Reserve
+Army and the new Million Army and the Indian Army and the Overseas Army
+and the Territorial Army are all entering Berlin together, then the
+defence of England (we hope) will rest entirely upon us. There are not
+many of us, as armies go nowadays, but there ought to be one apiece for
+all the towns round the coast, and what we lack in numbers we shall make
+up for in pride.</p>
+
+<p>We are the last line of defence. We all have wives or defective retinas
+or birthdays previous to 1879, or something that binds us together
+unofficially. Our motto from Monday to Friday is, "Soldier and Civilian
+too," and in camp at week-ends, "Remember Przemysl." At present we have
+no uniforms, to the disgust of our wives; but they are coming. Opinion
+is divided as to whether we want them to come. Some say that, clad in
+khaki, we shall get admiring glances from the women and envious glances
+from the small boys which are not really our due; our proud spirit
+rebels against the idea of marching through London in false colours.
+James says that, seeing that a soldier is only a soldier, and that he
+himself (James) is a special constable from 4 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> to 8, a dashed
+hard-working solicitor from 9.30 to 5, and a soldier from 5.30 to 7, not
+to mention the whole week-end, he jolly well expects all the admiration
+he can get; and that, if any small boy cheers him under the impression
+that he is only a Territorial, he is doing him a confounded injustice.
+Perhaps a tail-coat and khaki breeches would best meet the case.</p>
+
+<p>Then we come to the question of rifles. There are at this moment
+thousands of men in the Army who have no rifles. Whole battalions of new
+recruits are unarmed. Our battalion is not unarmed; it has a rifle. We
+have all seen it; those of us who have been on guard through the cold
+dark hours of Saturday-Sunday have even carried it&mdash;respectfully, as
+becomes a man who thanks Heaven that it is not loaded. Our pride in it
+is enormous. Were a sudden night attack by Zeppelins made upon our camp,
+the battalion would rally as one man round the old rifle, and fling
+boots at the invader until the last pair of ammunition gave out. Then,
+spiking the Lee-Enfield, so that it should be useless if it fell into
+the hands of the enemy, we should retire barefoot and in good order,
+James busily jotting down notes of our last testamentary
+dispositions....</p>
+
+<p>But, of course, we know that the invaders will not come yet. Meanwhile
+much can be learnt without arms (<i>cf.</i> "Infantry Training" <i>passim</i>&mdash;a
+book we all carry in our pockets), and we have the promise of enough
+rifles for a company in three weeks. When the last lot of German
+prisoners begins to land we shall be ready for them.</p>
+
+<p>We get plenty of encouragement; indeed we feel that the authorities have
+a special eye upon us. To give an example. We paraded the other night
+and were inspected by a General&mdash;tut-tut, a couple of Generals. One of
+them addressed us afterwards and gave us to understand that, having seen
+the flower of the Continental armies at work, he was, even so, hardly
+prepared for the extraordinary&mdash;and so on; which made James throw out
+his lower chest a couple of inches further than usual. Whereupon the
+Admiralty airship hurried up and, flying slowly over us, inspected us
+from the top. I say nothing of what James must have looked like from the
+top; what I say is that not many battalions are inspected by two
+Generals and an airship simultaneously. We are grateful to the
+authorities.</p>
+
+<p>Just at present our fault is over-keenness. On our first Sunday in camp
+our company commander stood us to attention and asked for three
+volunteers&mdash;for some unnamed forlorn hope. The whole company advanced<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span>
+two paces. He took the first three in the first platoon and handed them
+over to a sergeant. They were marched off on their perilous mission with
+nine men from other companies. The dauntless twelve. We that were left
+behind composed explanations to our wives, making it quite clear that we
+had volunteered, but pointing out that, as only twelve could go, they
+had probably chosen the ugliest ones first. Our three heroes rejoined us
+during an "easy" an hour later. The forlorn hope, had been to dig a hole
+and bury all the unused fragments of last night's supper&mdash;the gristly
+bits.... And now, when three volunteers are called for, the whole
+company remains rooted to attention. It is our keenness again; we are
+here to drill; to form fours, to march, to wheel; we want to learn to be
+soldiers, not dustmen.</p>
+
+<p>But naturally we differ in our ideas upon the best way to
+learn&mdash;particularly in regard to night-work. What James says is, "Why be
+uncomfortable in camp? If I could do anything for my country between the
+hours of 10.30 <span class="sc">P.M.</span> and 5.30 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>, I would do it gladly. But if my
+country, speaking through the gentleman who commands my platoon, tells
+me to retire to my tent with the fourteen loudest-breathers in
+Middlesex, I may at least <i>try</i> to get a little bit of sleep." So he
+brings with him two air-cushions, a pillow, three blankets and a pair of
+bed-socks, and does his best. On the other hand, John says, "When one is
+on active service one has to sleep anywhere. Unless I am preparing for
+that moment, what am I here for at all?" So he disdains the use of
+straw, selects the hardest brick he can find for his head, and wraps
+himself up in a single coat. And I doubt if he sleeps worse than James.
+personally, i lie awake all night listeningto the snores of the others
+and envying them their repose ... and I find that they all say they have
+been doing the same.</p>
+
+<p>It was James, by the way, who created such a sensation the first time he
+appeared on parade with all his impedimenta. There was a shout of
+laughter from the company&mdash;and then a quiet voice behind me said
+reflectively, "He decided <i>not</i> to bring the parrot."</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. A. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"There is a story here of a reservist, arriving from the provinces,
+who saw on the Nevsky a brilliantly lighted picture palace, and
+took off his hat before it and crossed himself devoutly. The point
+of that story is that the man, when pointed out to me on the
+parade-ground, was working in rubber gloves upon the installation
+of field wireless apparatus."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i> </p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Ha-ha! (Yes, just for a moment it escaped us). <i>Ha-ha!</i> <span class="sc">Ha-ha-ha</span>!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VALHALLA.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A vision and a protest.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I saw in the night unbroken,</p>
+<p class="i2">In the land the daylight shuns,</p>
+<p class="i0">At their long tables oaken</p>
+<p class="i2">The Sea-kings and the Huns.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Strong arms had they for smiting,</p>
+<p class="i2">To them death only gave</p>
+<p class="i0">More feasting and more fighting,</p>
+<p class="i2">More plunder for the brave.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Scant use had they for pleaders,</p>
+<p class="i2">They boasted of their war,</p>
+<p class="i0">The pitiless bright-eyed leaders,</p>
+<p class="i2">And their battle-god was Thor.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And "When this right hand falters,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Quoth one, "the soul is fled;"</p>
+<p class="i0">"And I made so many altars</p>
+<p class="i2">Ruinous," this one said.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And lo! as they sat and vaunted</p>
+<p class="i2">Across the mist of the years,</p>
+<p class="i0">There came to them one that flaunted</p>
+<p class="i2">The helm of the war-god's peers.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A little shape and a mightless,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the strong men laughed and roared:</p>
+<p class="i0">"Is our father Odin sightless</p>
+<p class="i2">That bade <i>him</i> share the board?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"From what realms spoilt and plundered,</p>
+<p class="i2">From what shrines burnt art come?</p>
+<p class="i0">Has thine hand hewed and thundered</p>
+<p class="i2">On the crosses of Christendom?"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And he said, "I too had legions,</p>
+<p class="i2">I fouled where ye defiled,</p>
+<p class="i0">I trod in the selfsame regions</p>
+<p class="i2">And warred on woman and child.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Tricked out in my shining armour</p>
+<p class="i2">And riding behind my Huns,</p>
+<p class="i0">I harried the priest and farmer,</p>
+<p class="i2">I followed the smoking guns."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But the kings cried out and shouted</p>
+<p class="i2">As they drained the sweetened mead:</p>
+<p class="i0">"Was it thus that the Franks were routed,</p>
+<p class="i2">When we made Europe bleed?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"This king with a leaden rattle</p>
+<p class="i2">And death that comes from afar,</p>
+<p class="i0">What pride hath he of the battle?</p>
+<p class="i2">What lust to maim or mar?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"The loot and the red blood running</p>
+<p class="i2">Were the only signs we saw;</p>
+<p class="i0">But the gods that gave thee cunning</p>
+<p class="i2">Have also given thee law."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And a Northman spake: "With seven</p>
+<p class="i2">Fair churches when I died</p>
+<p class="i0">I had paved my path to heaven;</p>
+<p class="i2">Their pillage was my pride.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"I tore the saints from their niches</p>
+<p class="i2">With the red hands of my rage;"</p>
+<p class="i0">But what hast thou in thy ditches</p>
+<p class="i2">To do with a craftless age?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Thou hast felt no Viking's starkness;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou hast lost a Christian's throne."</p>
+<p class="i0">And they drove him forth in the darkness</p>
+<p class="i2">To find a place of his own.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE SILENCE OF WAR.</h2>
+
+<p>I have a confession to make. Once in the happy far-off days&mdash;it seems
+ages since&mdash;I was bored by my fellow-passengers' conversation in the
+train. I daresay that they were equally bored by mine; but against that
+view there is the fact that this is my confession and not theirs. Well,
+I am punished now. I admit that I would give a good deal to hear
+Griffith's story of how he did the dog-leg hole in three again. There
+sits Griffith opposite to me, and no one would know that he had ever
+handled a club. He has become a golf-mute.</p>
+
+<p>Or think of Purvis. The recital of the performances of Purvis's new car
+lent an additional terror to railway travelling. I have forgotten the
+very make of his car now. I cannot particularise the number of its
+cylinders or say if it is electrically started. Purvis is
+conversationally punctured.</p>
+
+<p>There was, too, one recalls, an Insurance Act. Wilson felt a special
+grievance because he employed an aged gardener, out of charity, two days
+a week. He talked, if I remember correctly, about a cruel fourpence and
+a mythical ninepence. He read fierce letters he had composed for the
+Press, and when the papers published them, which was seldom, he read
+them to us all over again. As an anti-insurance agitator Wilson now
+comes under the unemployment section of the accursed Act.</p>
+
+<p>And the strange people who intruded with third-class tickets, and
+trampled on our toes, and smoked shag, and talked repulsively about the
+Cockspurs and Chelsea's new purchase from Oldham Athletic, and gave each
+other "dead certs" of appalling incertitude, and passed remarks which to
+my mind showed a shocking lack of respect for the upper and middle
+classes! We were not one class in those times.</p>
+
+<p>May it all come back to us soon&mdash;all the old chatter! Come back to us,
+Sir <span class="sc">Thomas Lipton</span> and the Cup! Come back to us, <span class="sc">Gloomy Dean</span>! Come back
+to us, Ninepence for Fourpence. Come back to us, "dead certs" and "also
+rans." Come back golf and motor-cars. Come back, Wicked Government and
+Wicked Opposition. Life is too painfully interesting now. I long to be
+bored again.</p>
+
+<p>But it must be boredom with honour.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/277.png">
+<img src="images/277.png" width="100%" alt=" I do hope this war won&#39;t be over" /></a>
+<p><i>Mabel.</i> "<span class="sc">Mother, dear! I do hope this war won't be over
+before I finish my sock!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S WAR CORRESPONDENCE.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="sc">New Style.</span></center>
+
+<p>Hearing that the German troops were advancing from the North-East along
+the line Malines&mdash;Mons&mdash;Mezi&egrave;res&mdash;Soissons&mdash;Verdun&mdash;Belfort, I
+immediately made off due South-West for a reason I may not give. I
+managed with the utmost difficulty to find someone to carry my kit, but
+at length persuaded an old peasant whom I found weeding (probably the
+last weeds he would ever dig) to act as my courier, and even then I had
+to resort to the vulgar strategy of pretending to be a Uhlan.</p>
+
+<p>We joined the throng boarding an old motor-bus (6&frac12; h.p.). There was
+nothing to show to outward appearance that the dreaded Germans were
+within 250 miles of the little townlet where I found myself (name
+suppressed). After booking my room at the only decent hotel in the
+place, I cast about for something to eat. Alas, the only eatables were
+roast duck and apple tart (the last probably we should ever see). I then
+unpacked my kit, and after folding my riding breeches I placed them
+under the mattress, wondering when I should take them out again. It is
+curious how even the simplest necessities of life mechanically assert
+themselves in the midst of the most strenuous and adventurous
+circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>Troops, troops, troops, and yet again troops. And people still go on
+living their daily lives. I saw two men seated in a <i>caf&eacute;</i> playing
+draughts, and they quarrelled over a move as though they had never heard
+tell of the <span class="sc">Kaiser.</span> Such is <i>la guerre</i>. I am rapidly polishing up my
+French which I learnt at &mdash;&mdash;, how many years ago I may not say.</p>
+
+<p>We know little of the German plans, and that much it is useless for me
+to communicate as the Censor is stopping all news of any interest. But
+this we do know here in our little town of &mdash;&mdash;that the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> will
+undoubtedly defeat the English armies if he can. To-day I saw an officer
+who had been sent back to count the milk-cans on a large dairy-farm
+(probably the last cans he would ever count); as he clattered down the
+road, mounted on his charger, I stepped in front of him and held up my
+hand, in which was a recent copy of <i>The Daily Cry and Echo</i>. The
+officer with difficulty stopped, as his horse reared on seeing the paper
+in my hand. I then asked him where he would advise me to go, as I wanted
+to be where the fire was hottest. He at once told me to go to (name
+withheld). I often think of that gay young officer and wonder what he is
+doing.</p>
+
+<p>To-night I sat up late (how late we used to sit up in London!) sewing a
+button on my (word excised) and darning one of the legs. I am now
+dashing this off to catch the morning post (probably the last post that
+will ever leave for England). I could not sleep for thinking that in a
+few days' time I may hear the boom-boom-boom of the German 17.44 guns,
+the sound of which has been likened to a puppy yelping. Such is war.</p>
+
+<p>I hope later on to send an important document dealing with the
+dispositions of the various armies engaged. I have been fortunate enough
+to get a glimpse of plans not more than a month old which a Colonel of
+Howitzers carelessly left in the pocket of his bathing-suit.</p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<h5>"<span class="sc">Hot Pursuit.<br />
+British Press on Heels of Enemy.</span>"</h5>
+
+<p class="author"><i>People.</i></p>
+
+<p>At last the British Press is getting to the front.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are officially informed that, when every cat and dog in the German
+Empire has been enrolled and armed, each cat will be allowed to provide
+its own kit.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Physically, Mr. Owen is a fine type, and his height is almost
+double that of the originator of the Welsh Army Corps&mdash;the
+Chancellor of the Exchequer.&mdash;<i>Western Mail.</i>"</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If we allow Mr. <span class="sc">Owen</span> a generous 8 feet, this would make Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>
+about 4 ft. 2 in. He <i>must</i> be taller than that.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p><hr />
+
+<h2>THE CHOICE.</h2>
+
+<p>The scene was Maida Vale&mdash;in the home of Julius Blumenbach, an
+Englishman of one generation.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my dear," said Mr. Blumenbach on his return from his office, "it
+won't do. The time has come to take the plunge. We have often talked
+about it, but now we must act. Only this morning I received five letters
+closing the account&mdash;all because of the name."</p>
+
+<p>"You know I have urged it on you often enough," said Mrs. Blumenbach.
+"And not only have I thought it necessary, but my relatives have urged
+it too."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Blumenbach repressed a gesture of impatience. "I know, I know," he
+said. "Well, we must do it. <i>The Times</i> has a dozen notices of changed
+names every day."</p>
+
+<p>"The question is what shall the new one be?" his wife replied. "We must
+remember it's not only for ourselves and the business, but it will be so
+much better for the boys, too, when they go to Eton. A good name&mdash;but
+what?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's it," said Mr. Blumenbach. "That's the difficulty. Now I've got a
+little list here. I have been jotting down names that took my fancy for
+some time past. Of course there are many people who merely translate
+their German names, but I think we ought to go farther than that. We
+ought to be thorough while we are about it."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, and let us be very careful," said Mrs. Blumenbach. "It's a great
+responsibility&mdash;a critical moment. It's almost as critical as&mdash;for a
+woman&mdash;marriage. Let us take a really nice name."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," said her husband. "That goes without saying."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she continued, "but a name that goes well with 'Sir' or 'Lady.'
+You never know, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see, myself, that 'Sir Julius Blumenbach' would sound so bad,"
+said her husband; "I've heard worse."</p>
+
+<p>"But 'Sir Julius Kitchener,' for example, would sound better," said Mrs.
+Blumenbach.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Blumenbach started. "You don't really suggest&mdash;" he began.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't," she replied. "But I want you to see that while we're
+about it we may as well be thorough. If at the present moment we have a
+name which is disliked here, how much wiser, when taking another, to
+choose one which is popular!"</p>
+
+<p>"True," Mr. Blumenbach said. "But 'Kitchener.' Isn't that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Too far? Perhaps so," said his wife. "Then what about 'French'?"</p>
+
+<p>"A little too short," said her husband. "I favour three syllables."</p>
+
+<p>"Then 'Smith-Dorrien'?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, let's be shy of hyphens," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Why?" she asked. "I've always had rather a partiality for them. They're
+very classy in England, too, as you would know if you were as English as
+I am."</p>
+
+<p>"I am English!" said Mr. Blumenbach fiercely.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear, but not quite so&mdash;&mdash; Still, let us pass that over. The point
+is&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No hyphens, anyway," said Mr. Blumenbach. "They're dangerous. They
+carry too much family history. No, a straightforward plain name is best.
+Like, say, 'Macdonald.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Scotch?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, why not?"</p>
+
+<p>"I hadn't been thinking that way," said Mrs. Blumenbach, "but I
+agree&mdash;why not 'Sir Julius Macdonald'? Yes, that's all right."</p>
+
+<p>"Or 'Mackenzie'?" said Mr. Blumenbach, consulting his list.</p>
+
+<p>"I prefer 'Macdonald.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Or 'Macintosh'?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, no."</p>
+
+<p>"Or 'Abercrombie'?"</p>
+
+<p>"Too long."</p>
+
+<p>"'Lauder'?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I think not."</p>
+
+<p>"He's very popular."</p>
+
+<p>"I know; but the music-hall? No," said Mrs. Blumenbach, taking up a pen,
+"let it be Macdonald.'" She traced the name. "Good heavens!" she
+exclaimed suddenly, dropping the pen and pushing away the paper with a
+gesture of finality, "of course it can't be that."</p>
+
+<p>"Why ever not?" Mr. Blumenbach insisted.</p>
+
+<p>"Fancy you not knowing!" Mrs. Blumenbach replied. "You of all people!
+Why, think of the linen and the silver&mdash;all the monograms. Everything
+would have to be marked afresh. It must begin with B, of course."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," said Mr. Blumenbach, mopping his brow as the terrible truth
+broke on him, "of course! What an idiot I have been! Of course it must
+begin with B. The expense!"</p>
+
+<p>"But fancy you not thinking of that!" Mrs. Blumenbach insisted.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, fancy. It's worry over the war. I'm not myself."</p>
+
+<p>"Poor dear! You can't be," said his wife. "Well, what shall we do now?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's all right," said Mr. Blumenbach. "I'll go to the British Museum to
+look out the B's in the Edinburgh Directory."</p>
+
+<p>"Do, dear, do!" said his wife, and he hurried for his hat. "Just to
+think of you not thinking of that!" she repeated, as he bade her
+farewell.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, indeed!" he replied. "But it's the war, I'm sure. I'm sure it's
+the war."</p>
+
+<p>Later in the day he returned, a potential Sir Julius Bannockburn.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/278.png">
+<img src="images/278.png" width="100%" alt="Enthusiast, explaining the situation." /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Enthusiast</i> (<i>explaining the situation</i>). "<span class="sc">Let this 'ere
+meat-axe be the Russians a-comin' in on the East; the carvin'-knife's
+the Frenchies along 'ere; our boys is the mustard-pot; and 'ere's the
+Germans&mdash;this 'ere plate o' tripe.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Shakspeare Germanised.</h4>
+
+<blockquote>One touch of <span class="sc">Nietzsche</span> makes the whole world sin.</blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>SOUND AND FURY.</h2>
+
+<p>A double Dutch Agency circulates a report of a great patriotic concert
+recently held in Berlin. The programme, which is printed on a mere scrap
+of paper, was as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<center>
+A<br />
+GRAND PRUSSIAN PATRIOTIC<br />
+CONCERT<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">In Aid of the German Government<br />
+War Fund</span><br />
+<br />
+Will be held in the<br />
+<span class="sc">Dismantled British Embassy</span>.<br />
+<br /></center>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<center>
+<span class="sc">Programme.</span><br />
+<br />
+I.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Selection</span>:<br />
+"Hail, Smiling Marne."<br />
+<i>Band of the Imperial Prussian Guard.</i><br />
+<br />
+II.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Song</span>:<br />
+"Father, dear Father, come Home with<br />
+me now."<br />
+<i>Words and music by<br />
+the <span class="sc">German Crown Prince</span>.</i><br />
+<br />
+III.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Banjo Recital</span>:<br />
+"The Sally of our Ally."<br />
+<i>Words and music by<br />
+the Emperor <span class="sc">Francis Joseph</span>.</i><br />
+<br />
+IV.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Chorus</span>:<br />
+"Forty Years On."<br />
+<i>Setting arranged by<br />
+Count <span class="sc">Von Moltke</span> the Second.</i><br />
+<br />
+V.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Song</span>:<br />
+"Oft in the Stilly Night."<br />
+<i>Words and music by<br />
+<span class="sc">Count Zeppelin</span>, composer of<br />
+"What does little Birdie say?"</i><br />
+<br />
+VI.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Recital</span>:<br />
+"The Blue Carpathian Mountains."<br />
+<i>The Viennese Orchestra.</i><br />
+<br />
+VII.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Humorous Song</span>:<br />
+"The Bonny Bonny Banks."<br />
+<i>Arranged by<br />
+the Imperial Minister of Finance.</i><br />
+<br />
+VIII.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Song</span>:<br />
+"And Nobody cares for Me!"<br />
+<i>Respectfully dedicated to<br />
+the <span class="sc">German Emperor</span>.</i><br />
+<br />
+IX.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">Grand Patriotic Chorus</span> (in which<br />
+the audience is requested to join):<br />
+<br />
+"<span class="sc">Prussia Expects That Every Man<br />
+This Day Will Grab His Booty.</span>"<br /><br />
+</center>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/279.png">
+<img src="images/279.png" width="100%" alt="Dashed if I don&#39;t get
+some more flags." /></a><br /><br />
+<p>"<span class="sc">Great Scott! I must do something. Dashed if I don't get
+some more flags for the old jigger!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE STEEPLE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">There's mist in the hollows,</p>
+<p class="i2">There's gold on the tree,</p>
+<p class="i0">And South go the swallows</p>
+<p class="i2">Away over sea.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They home in our steeple</p>
+<p class="i2">That climbs in the wind,</p>
+<p class="i0">And, parson and people,</p>
+<p class="i2">We welcome 'em kind.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The steeple was set here</p>
+<p class="i2">In 1266;</p>
+<p class="i0">If <span class="sc">William</span> could get here</p>
+<p class="i2">He'd burn it to sticks.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">He'd burn it for ever,</p>
+<p class="i2">Bells, belfry and vane,</p>
+<p class="i0">That swallows would never</p>
+<p class="i2">Come home there again.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">He'd bang down their perches</p>
+<p class="i2">With cannon and gun,</p>
+<p class="i0">For churches is churches,</p>
+<p class="i2">And <span class="sc">William's</span> a Hun.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So&mdash;mist in the hollow</p>
+<p class="i2">And leaf falling brown&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Ere home comes the swallow</p>
+<p class="i2">May <span class="sc">William</span> be down!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And high stand the steeples</p>
+<p class="i2">From Lincoln to Wells,</p>
+<p class="i0">For parsons and peoples,</p>
+<p class="i2">For birds and for bells!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"It makes things clearer, for example, if one knows that a howitzer
+gun drops its shells, while an ordinary field gun fires them to all
+intents and purposes vertically."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Weekly Dispatch.</i></p>
+
+<p>Much clearer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/280.png">
+<img src="images/280.png" width="100%" alt="Oh, mummy, you must speak to baby:" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Youthful Patriot.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, mummy, you <i>must</i> speak to baby:
+he's most awfully naughty. He won't let nurse take his vest off, and</span>
+(<i>in an awe-struck voice</i>) <span class="sc">he keeps on screaming and yelling that <i>he
+likes the Germans</i>! <i>Anybody</i> might hear him."</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A WAR-HORSE OF THE KING.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I knew you in the first flight of the Quorn,</p>
+<p class="i2">One who never turned his gallant head aside</p>
+<p class="i0">From bank or ditch, from double rail or thorn,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or from any brook however deep and wide;</p>
+<p class="i0">I know the love your owner on you spent;</p>
+<p class="i2">I know the price he put upon your speed;</p>
+<p class="i0">And I know he gave you freely, well content,</p>
+<p class="i2">When his country called upon him in her need.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I have seen you in the bondage of the camp</p>
+<p class="i2">With a heel-rope on a pastern raw and red,</p>
+<p class="i0">Up and fighting at the stable-picket's tramp</p>
+<p class="i2">With the courage of the way that you were bred;</p>
+<p class="i0">I have seen you standing, broken, in the rain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lone and fretting for a yesterday's caress;</p>
+<p class="i0">I have seen your valour spur you up again</p>
+<p class="i2">From the sorrow that your patient eyes express.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now in dreams I see your squadron at the Front,</p>
+<p class="i2">You a war-horse with a hero on your back,</p>
+<p class="i0">Taking bugles for the horn-blast of the hunt,</p>
+<p class="i2">Taking musketry for music of the pack;</p>
+<p class="i0">Made and mannered to the pattern of the rest,</p>
+<p class="i2">Gathered foam&mdash;and maybe blood&mdash;upon your rein,</p>
+<p class="i0">You'll be up among the foremost and the best,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or we'll never trust in Leicestershire again!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IN A GOOD CAUSE.</h2>
+
+<p>War or no war, the children must have their Christmas presents, and they
+wouldn't look at the usual toys made in Germany, even if they could be
+had this year. The Women's Emergency Corps has the matter in hand. Some
+fascinating models have been designed and registered, and many women who
+were in need of work are engaged in copying them under skilled
+direction. Funds are needed badly at the start, though the scheme will
+eventually support itself. For the children's sake, and even more for
+the sake of the women-breadwinners to whom the war has brought distress,
+<i>Mr. Punch</i> begs his generous friends to help this work. Gifts should be
+sent to The Duchess of Marlborough, Old Bedford College, 8, York Place,
+Baker Street, W.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>IN MEMORY.</h4>
+
+<center><span class="sc">To those who Died in the Early Days of the War.</span></center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Not theirs to triumph yet; but, where they stood,</p>
+<p class="i4">Falling, to dye the earth with brave men's blood</p>
+<p class="i4">For England's sake and duty. Be their name</p>
+<p class="i4">Sacred among us. Wouldst thou seek to frame</p>
+<p class="i4">Their fitting epitaph? Then let it be</p>
+<p class="i4">Simple, as that which marked Thermopyl&aelig;:&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">"<i>Tell it in England, thou that passest by,</i></p>
+<p class="i4"><i>Here faithful to their charge her soldiers lie.</i>"</p>
+</div></div><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/281.png">
+<img src="images/281.png" width="100%" alt="THE GREAT GOTH." /></a>
+<h4>THE GREAT GOTH.</h4>
+<p>DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW IN A NEO-GOTHIC CATHEDRAL AT POTSDAM.</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/283.png">
+<img src="images/283.png" width="100%" alt="Newly-gazetted Subaltern." /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Newly-gazetted Subaltern.</i> "<span class="sc">Girls! girls! you really
+mustn't crowd round me like this. I've missed two salutes already.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR DUMB ENEMIES.</h2>
+
+<p>Although the German army already owes much of its efficiency to useful
+hints garnered from the animal kingdom&mdash;such as the goose-step, which
+has been employed with such conspicuous success in the streets of
+Brussels&mdash;we were hardly prepared for the far-reaching mobilisation of
+the more familiar mammals which is now foreshadowed. It is true that we
+had already been much impressed by the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> threat to continue the
+war to the last breath of man and horse, but it is none the less
+startling to learn, on American authority, that the German Government
+would, at a pinch, be prepared to arm every cat and dog in the Empire.
+It will thus be open to the future historian to speak of "the cats of
+war."</p>
+
+<p>There is another branch of the community which should not be
+overlooked&mdash;if the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> is willing to take a suggestion&mdash;in the form
+of the domestic cattle of the Fatherland. These, we believe, are
+admirably adapted to attack in close formation upon entrenched
+positions. And much might be done with the rats from the cellars of
+Munich&mdash;than which no finer natural warriors exist.</p>
+
+<p>But the new menace must be met. Fortunately, if zoological warfare is to
+become an accomplished fact, the British Empire has great untapped
+resources. It is rumoured that a Camel Corps has been despatched from
+India already, and a squadron of elephants should be a match for a whole
+Army Corps of dachshunds.</p>
+
+<p>On the whole we welcome the new departure. It may lead&mdash;who knows?&mdash;to
+the establishment of a higher standard in German civilized warfare.</p>
+
+<p>An interesting light has been thrown on this new mobilisation by a
+letter concealed in the whiskers of the captured mascot (a
+Tortoiseshell) of a Bavarian regiment. It runs as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Potsdam.</p>
+<p class="author">(Can't divulge address.)</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Gretchen</span>,&mdash;Awful bad luck for poor Schneider. He went to enlist and
+was told to register! Of course he's got a streak of the Persian in him
+on his mother's side, and used to brag about it, as we all know; but now
+it's done him in the eye, and he's fairly mad. Carl is in the
+commissariat and tells me we've got three million tins of sardines; so
+that's all right as far as it goes; but, if there's any weakness in the
+victualling department, I shall be the first to leave the colours.</p>
+
+<p>They're making one huge mistake. The dogs are called out too. You know
+what German dogs are&mdash;sausage-food, we call them. Of course they'll be
+cut up and give the show away. But, if they're in the first line with us
+behind them, they'll have to fight somebody.</p>
+
+<p>Albrecht is in the Royal Blacks (Empress's own). Max has joined the 3rd
+Tabbies, and I've got a command in the 10th Tortoiseshells.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Your one and only</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Puss in Prussians</span>.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;It's a joke with the Tabby regiments that they've got their
+stripes already.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>"Ste. Menehould is 32 miles due west of Verdun. Montfaucon is 18
+miles north-east of Ste. Menehould and a dozen miles north-west of
+Verdun."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian.</i> </p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>The War has changed many things; among them the triangle's old habit of
+having two of its sides together greater than the third. But there;
+"necessity," as the <span class="sc">Imperial Chancellor</span> says, "knows no law."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/284.png">
+<img src="images/284.png" width="100%" alt="Humorist to Cinema Commissionaire." /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Humorist (to Cinema Commissionaire).</i> "<span class="sc">Now ven, Wilhelm,
+give us one or two goose-steps!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+<center>IV.</center>
+
+<p>Dear Charles,&mdash;Half-a-dozen officers of <i>the</i> battalion, including your
+own pet terrier, have got cut off from the main body, but are all alive
+and well, as you shall hear. We have come down from our war to our peace
+station in order to gather together the few hundred recruits who have
+been enrolled to bring up the brigade to its proper establishment, and
+fill the places of those luckless fellows whose flesh was too weak for
+Imperial service, however willing their spirit might have been. I must
+say I was more sorry for the "medically unfit" than I have ever been for
+anyone in this hard world, when we took affectionate leave of them.</p>
+
+<p>The recruit is an excellent fellow, whose only fault is that he didn't
+start before. Now and then he is a plutocrat, as I have found to my
+cost. It was my first job to prearrange the lodging of two hundred of
+them in their temporary billet, an unoccupied mansion originally
+designed to house twenty persons at the outside. There was an overflow,
+as you may imagine, which had to be lodged in the outhouses. The garage
+I marked out for twenty-five, leaving it to themselves to decide whether
+or not the inspection-pit was the place of honour reserved for the
+N.C.O. in charge. Other business prevented my receiving them at the
+front gate and conducting them to their several rooms. When I did arrive
+on the scene it was my heartrending duty to explain to Privates
+Anstruther and Vernon that the reason why they couldn't find their
+bedroom was because they had filled it with their motor-cars. But it is
+wonderful how people can settle down to anything; an hour later I found
+the twenty-five of them comfortably tucked in for the night, crooning
+unanimously, "There's no place like home!" To-day they have chalked up
+on the wall, "The Ritz Private Boarding Establishment; well-aired beds;
+bring your own straw. Excellent cuisine. <i>No</i> garage."</p>
+
+<p>This is the sort of remark which, as you go the rounds of the mess
+tables, you have to pretend you have not heard: "The officer wants to
+know if you have all got plenty of potatoes. Every man stand up and say
+'I have';" and, to demonstrate the <i>camaraderie</i> which exists in the
+hard circumstances of military life, "George, lend me your slice of
+bacon to clean my knife with." The most moving reply I have personally
+received came from one of the less-educated section. I asked to what
+company he was attached, and he didn't know. "Who is your captain?" I
+said. "'Im with the scuppered 'at," was the descriptive reply. Captain
+Herne has since lectured his gang on the rudiments of military
+discipline, first, however, replenishing his neglected equipment.</p>
+
+<p>And now let us turn from the domestic aspect to the infantry training,
+and let me tell you all about outposts, their duty and their manner of
+performing it. Outpost companies, it must be remembered, do their work
+at night. I don't know, Charles, whether you have ever sat under a hedge
+for hours on end in the dark, waiting the approach of the enemy. It must
+be bad enough in real warfare, where there is a chance of his turning
+up; but in practice it is worse, for there is the certainty that he
+<i>must</i> turn up. He left the camp an hour before you did yourself, and,
+if he does succeed in getting through your lines, he'll never let you
+hear the last of it.</p>
+
+<p>Now you must remember that my fellows had spent many weary days "sloping
+arms," only to unslope them again almost immediately, and in other
+sufficiently bloodless pursuits. They are naturally of a pugilistic
+breed, and the attacking party comprised old-time opponents. Constant
+efforts to keep a watch in the dark are trying to the nerves, and when
+something substantial does emerge which one may get a grip on ... what
+use is it for an officer to say that no violence is required and enough
+is done for present purposes if the enemy is successfully observed and
+quietly apprehended? The first enemy to approach turned out, on arrest,
+to be just an innocuous cow; but this disappointment served only to make
+the aspect of my men even more menacing. The next arrival was a hapless
+scout of the attacking party: he had come to surprise, but was himself
+violently surprised. What advice and exhortations I had to give were
+lost in the hubbub. "Put up your fists, chaps, and let him have it!" was
+the order, which was obeyed. The necessity for silence was forgotten;
+here was something upon which to wreak all the pent-up feelings
+consequent upon a month's perusal of German atrocities. It was
+excusable, if unsporting, for the scout to bite the thumb of his nearest
+assailant&mdash;and a good thorough bite it was. It fell to my lot later to
+dress the wound; as I did so the casualty explained to me fully and
+often the exact circumstances of the case. But he was not angry about
+it; far from it. With an expression of feature combining interested
+enquiry with perfect readiness to accept whatever might be in the proper
+order of infantry training, he said, "And then 'e bit me thumb, Sir. Was
+that right?"</p>
+
+<p>D'Arcy and I had an awkward moment the other day. We turned into a
+wayside golf club in an emergency, and begged to be allowed to buy our
+tea there. Even as we did so the Secretary himself arrived in a motor
+car, which, as we were not aware, had but a little while ago overtaken
+Major Danks and the half battalion under his charge. Even the Secretary
+himself, accustomed to ignore foot-passengers, did not appreciate that
+he had roused the Major's wrath by the haste of his overtaking. The
+Secretary was, to us, politeness itself&mdash;nay more, he insisted upon our
+being the guests of the club not only on that occasion but on every
+available opportunity. Other members gathered round and endorsed his
+view. We returned thanks in brief and soldierly speeches. There were, by
+way of reply, votes of confidence, and, in rejoinder, expressions of
+reciprocated esteem. The invitation was extended to every officer in the
+battalion, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285.png" id="Page_285.png">[Pg 285.]</a></span>
+then we withdrew to the wash-house to prepare to
+receive hospitality. Hardly had we departed when the Major arrived, and
+we returned from our ablutions, if not into the open, at least
+sufficiently near to hear him reprimanding the Secretary in the most
+violent terms, threatening arrest to the miscreant chauffeur, and,
+indeed, the annihilation of the whole clubhouse and links, and every
+man, woman and child in or about them. Old man, I have never less
+enjoyed a meal at others' expense than I did the tea which followed.</p>
+
+<p>Acting temporarily as Quarter-Master I went to the butcher's to-day. "A
+nice morning, Sir," said he. What could he do for me? "What about some
+beef?" said I. "About ten pounds?" he suggested. "Nearer two hundred," I
+replied.... "Good day," he concluded, as he bowed me out of the shop. "A
+<i>very</i> nice morning, Sir."</p>
+
+<p>I'll tell you my opinion of these soldiers, Charles, amateur or
+professional. Feed them like princes and pamper them like babies, and
+they'll complain all the time. But stand them up to be shot at and
+they'll take it as a joke, and rather a good joke, too.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">Yours ever,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Henry</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/285.png">
+<img src="images/285.png" width="100%" alt="Playground of sand in a London park." /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Scene: Playground of sand in a London park.</i></p>
+<p><i>Kind-hearted Old Lady.</i> "<span class="sc">That little boy looks very lonely. Why don't
+you ask him to play with you?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Little Girl.</i> "<span class="sc">Ow, don't take no notice of 'im, lidy. 'E's swankin'
+'cos 'e's bin to the seaside.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ONE OF THE SECRETS OF RUSSIAN SUCCESS.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By our Military Expert.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>The brief statement from Headquarters at Petrograd that on the
+South-West front Wszlmysl has fallen and that the pursuit of the
+Austrians has reached Mlprknik has a significance that may easily be
+overlooked by those who are unfamiliar with the topography of the
+district and its pronunciation. Wszlmysl (pronounce Wozzle-mizzle) is a
+large fortified town in the district of Mprzt (pronounce Ha-djisha), at
+the junction of the rivers Ug (pronounce Oogh) and Odzwl (pronounce
+Odol), about ten miles to the N.E. of Ploschkin (pronounce as written),
+with which it is connected by an electric tramway. The information
+available shows that the garrison of Wszlmysl (pronounce Woolloomoolloo)
+deserted their guns and retreated in haste with the Russians in hot
+pursuit. Now, inasmuch as this fortress has been pronounced by the
+Russian expert, Colonel Shumsky (pronounce Sch-tchoomsky), to be
+stronger than either Namur or Li&eacute;ge, the precipitate retirement of the
+Austrians can only be accounted for by a complete breakdown of <i>moral</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The cause of this breakdown may escape most observers, but it is in
+reality simple enough. It has long been known that the Austrians have
+found themselves terribly handicapped by their inability to deal
+faithfully with the consonantal difficulties presented by the names of
+towns and districts in which the ethnic basis is Slav and not Teutonic.
+Quite recently, on the capture of the town of Prtnk&eacute;vichsvtntchiskow
+(unpronounceable, and only to be approximately rendered with the
+assistance of a powerful Claxon horn), the garrison were found to be in
+a deplorable condition of aphasia and suffering from chronic laryngitis.
+We have therefore the best grounds for believing that a similar cause
+operated in the case of the Austrian defenders of Wszlmysl. They fled
+because they were unable to cope with the vocal exigencies of the
+situation.</p>
+
+<p>To sum up, we have in our Eastern ally a nation not only great in
+numbers, in warlike prowess, and in enthusiasm for their cause, but also
+fortified by the possession of a language so rich in phonetic variety
+and so formidable in consonantal concentration as to strike terror into
+opponents of lesser linguistic capacity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span>
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Those who Sit in Judgment.</span>"</center>
+
+<p>In days of great national tension the public needs some coaxing to be
+got into the theatre at all. Our managers should either, at the risk of
+appearing callous, offer us a pure distraction from the strain of things
+or else provide something in harmony with the emotions of the time. But
+frankly I cannot find in the programme at the St. James's any apparent
+sign of consideration for present conditions. It is true that it
+supplies excellent entertainment for Mr. <span class="sc">George Alexander</span>, who has
+plenty of occupation in a part that suits him well. But I was thinking,
+selfishly enough, of my own needs and those of other non-combatants.</p>
+
+<p>I admit that the scene in West Africa was a diverting novelty. I had
+never before, to my recollection, met a native monarch from the Gold
+Coast, and I have pleasure in accepting the assurance of Mr. <span class="sc">Crowther</span>,
+Secretary for Native Affairs in this district, that they are like that.
+But it was impossible to feel any very deep concern as to what might
+happen to the damaged hero (<i>Michael Trent</i>) on his return to England
+after the failure of his rubber schemes. The best he could hope for, by
+way of consolation for being misunderstood, was to become a
+co-respondent in a suit brought by the chief sitter-in-judgment. Even so
+we might have contrived a little sympathy if the woman's fifth-rate
+environment had not made any community of tastes hopelessly improbable.
+For her, too, it seemed to us a poor business that the only
+encouragement she could offer him in the undeserved ruin of his career
+was to get it blasted all over again&mdash;and this time on a true charge&mdash;by
+running away with him.</p>
+
+<p>But the rubber-man in the play was never a hero. There in his Gold Coast
+shanty we see his lover's young brother dying of fever under his eyes.
+Yet from the moment when he himself gets a touch of the same complaint
+he takes to brandy, and practically loses all further interest&mdash;at any
+rate of a coherent kind&mdash;in the fate of his <i>prot&eacute;g&eacute;</i>. And at the
+end&mdash;though he seems to take a good deal of personal pride in the
+prospect&mdash;the only heroism that lies before him is the living-down of a
+sordid scandal in the divorce-court.</p>
+
+<p>As <i>Michael Trent</i>, Mr. <span class="sc">George Alexander</span> played excellently, and I have
+nothing to say against either the quality or the quantity of his work,
+except that in the First Act the tale of his experience in the Beresu
+forest, which began with a very natural air, developed into something
+like a recitation. He might almost have been Mr. <span class="sc">Roosevelt</span>, in a mood of
+exaltation, describing his river to the Geographical Society. That
+clever actress, Miss <span class="sc">Henrietta Watson</span>, had to play a difficult part as
+<i>Trent's</i> lover, in a vein that, I think, is new to her. She did it
+well, though she seemed to start on a note of intensity which left her
+too little margin for the time when she really needed it; her appeal,
+too, was rather to our intelligence than our hearts. Mr. <span class="sc">Nigel Playfair</span>,
+waiving his gift of deliberate humour, showed himself a master of the
+petty meannesses of a certain phase of suburban banality. Mr. <span class="sc">Volp&eacute;</span>
+presided, with the right rotundity of a rubber company's chairman, over
+a very spirited meeting of indignant share-holders. And, finally,
+nothing became Mr. <span class="sc">Reginald Owen</span> so well as the manner of his dying.</p>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" /><br /><br />
+
+<center>"<span class="sc">Young Wisdom.</span>"</center>
+
+<p><i>Victoria</i> was very young and very, very wise. She knew all about the
+slavery of the marriage-tie, the liberty of the female subject, and
+high-sounding things of that sort, and kept books of advanced thinking
+secretly under her mattress&mdash;where her little brother found them and
+thought them dull, and her mother found them and thought them rather
+funny. <i>Victoria's</i> theory was that all marriages ought to be preceded
+by a trial trip, but it was her sister <i>Gail</i> who had the pluck to put
+this theory into practice. She insisted on her young man, <i>Peter</i>,
+eloping with her on the night before their wedding. <i>Peter</i>, a simple
+gentleman with a mouth permanently open, was reluctantly persuaded.
+Whereupon <i>Christopher</i>, the best man, engaged to <i>Victoria</i>, insisted
+upon <i>Victoria</i> also living up to her theory and eloping without
+clerical assistance&mdash;which she did almost as unwillingly as <i>Peter</i>. The
+two couples meet at midnight in an old moorland cottage rented by an
+artist called <i>Max</i> (no, not the one you think), whereupon two important
+things happen:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>(1) <i>Gail</i> decides in about twenty minutes that she loves <i>Max</i>, not
+<i>Peter</i>. (2) <i>Victoria</i> decides that she hates trial trips. So they all
+five go back together, and, after a lot of
+"Tut-tut-what-the-blank-upon-my-souls" from the military stage-father,
+they sort themselves out again and get married properly&mdash;<i>Peter</i> being
+left over with a cold in the head.</p>
+
+<p>The author, Miss <span class="sc">Rachel Crothers</span>, has not strained herself severely in
+writing <i>Young Wisdom</i>, and the result is a pleasantly innocent little
+play, which, thanks to the Misses <span class="sc">Margery Maude</span> and <span class="sc">Madge Titheradge</span> as
+the two sisters, and Mr. <span class="sc">John Deverell</span> as <i>Peter</i>, gave us all a good
+deal of pleasure. Miss <span class="sc">Maude</span> had a part with a little comedy in it for
+once, and she played it delightfully.</p>
+
+<p class="author">M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MEDITATIONS ON MUSHROOMS.</h2>
+
+<p>We were playing the ancient and honourable game of acrostics and we had
+to think of and describe a word bounded on the West by the initial E,
+and on the East by the final H.</p>
+
+<p>"That which you can never have of mushrooms," was one of the
+descriptions. It was, of course, guessed at once&mdash;"Enough;" and could
+there be a truer compliment to this strange exotic delicacy, which costs
+nothing but a walk in an early autumnal morning and is more choice than
+the rarest flavours ever designed by the most inspired of <i>chefs</i>? For
+certainly there has never been enough of them. I, at any rate, have
+never had enough. The thought of mushrooms missed must add pathos to
+many a death-bed.</p>
+
+<p>It is a terrible moment when the dish comes in and one rapidly notes the
+disparity between the paucity of its contents and the vast and eager
+anticipation of the company. For it is useless to attempt to conceal
+greed when mushrooms arrive. A certain amount of dissimulation has
+mercifully been given by a wise Providence to all of us for the
+lubrication of the cogs of daily life; but it does not extend so far as
+this. And particularly so if the mushrooms have been fried in butter.
+Stewed they are not of course to be undervalued, especially if one dares
+to soak one's bread in the juice; nor even reposing in tragic isolation
+on Juan Fernandezes of toast; but the real way is to fry them in butter.
+As I say, it is a terrible moment when the dish arrives and the faces of
+the guests are studied; but should there be one present, or&mdash;more
+ecstatic moment still&mdash;two, who confess to a dislike of this perilous
+fungus, then what an access of rapture by way of compensation! Truly
+wise hostesses have been known to murmur something about toadstools and
+risk, as an encouragement to the doubters; or if they don't their
+husbands do. It is however no real good! Even with two defaulters the
+dish does no more than stimulate desire; whilst such is its power of
+fascination that consummate <i>gourmets</i> have been known to express no
+dismay at the possibility of poison being there, a death so won being
+worth dying.</p>
+
+<p>Mushrooms, to win such homage as this, must be picked in the fields and
+cooked at home. The forced mushrooms which grow under the shelf in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> the
+greenhouse or in a corner of the cellar lack something of divinity;
+while there is not a restaurant <i>chef</i> in the world who has not a long
+record of ruined mushrooms to his name. No sooner does a public cook get
+at a mushroom than it begins to deteriorate. When the <i>chef</i> comes in at
+the door the savour flies out of the window. It is a point of honour
+with him. When therefore I said that one can never have enough mushrooms
+I meant at home.</p>
+
+<p>It is an injustice to the mushroom to eat it as an adjunct to other
+food; while there is one meat which in alliance it renders unwholesome.
+The odd thing is that every one differs as to what this meat is; but my
+own hazy recollection says mutton. Still that prohibition is not for us,
+who know the only way in which mushrooms should be eaten: fried, with
+bread and butter, and the butter spread too thick.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>It is rumoured that the freedom of Hunstanton is to be conferred on the
+<span class="sc">Kaiser</span>.</blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/287.png">
+<img src="images/287.png" width="100%" alt="THE BULL-DOG BREED." /></a>
+<h5>THE BULL-DOG BREED.</h5>
+<p><i>Officer.</i> "<span class="sc">Now, my lad, do you know what you are placed here for?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Recruit.</i> "<span class="sc">To prevent the henemy from landin', Sir.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Officer.</i> "<span class="sc">And do you think that you could prevent him landing all by
+yourself?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Recruit.</i> "<span class="sc">Don't know, Sir, I'm sure. But I'd have a dam good try!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"BUSINESS AS USUAL."</h2>
+
+<p>Corkey is the School Attendance Officer and a terror to every boy in the
+neighbourhood. He looks at the truant and says fiercely, "Where was
+you?" Then he wags a savage finger at him. "Yes, you was," he says, "you
+was, you know you was. I caught you in the hact." No boy has ever been
+known to withstand him.</p>
+
+<p>Yet Corkey has a heart.</p>
+
+<p>William Frederick Wright is our chief boy scout. In the first great days
+of the war, William was on duty at a railway bridge up the line. Local
+fame placed him somewhere between <span class="sc">French</span> and <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>. Sent to round up
+the truant, Corkey reported in glowing words, "<i>Guarding his country.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A second week's absence produced the same report. Then business instinct
+began to war with patriotism in the breast of Corkey. During the third
+week he once more looked the culprit up.</p>
+
+<p>His report was grim and terse. "<i>Warned him</i>," he wrote.</p>
+
+<p>On the following Monday William sadly returned.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE AWAKENING.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Ere our lesson to the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Self-anointed Lord of Earth,</p>
+<p class="i0">Left that furious monarch wiser</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Re</i> our troops' intrinsic worth,</p>
+<p class="i0">Frankly, I had thought you flighty,</p>
+<p class="i2">Callous to the very core;</p>
+<p class="i0">Lovely?&mdash;yes, like Aphrodite;</p>
+<p class="i8">Nothing more.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Later, when you slaked your thirsting</p>
+<p class="i2">For an apron, cuffs and cap,</p>
+<p class="i0">Long before the war-cloud, bursting,</p>
+<p class="i2">Made a mess of Europe's map,</p>
+<p class="i0">Though your mind showed some improvement,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lady, I conceived you had</p>
+<p class="i0">Joined a purely social movement</p>
+<p class="i8">For a fad.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Now the scales at length uplifted</p>
+<p class="i2">From my eyes in you reveal,</p>
+<p class="i0">Verily, a woman gifted</p>
+<p class="i2">With the power to help and heal.</p>
+<p class="i0">So I send, for shame, these verses</p>
+<p class="i2">Where you brave the battle's brunt,</p>
+<p class="i0">One of England's noble Nurses</p>
+<p class="i8">At the front.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>I always open a new book by <span class="sc">Gertrude Atherton</span> with a pleasant
+grace-before-meat sensation of being already truly thankful for what I
+am about to receive. And it is hardly ever that I am disappointed. I do
+not mean to tell you that her latest story, which bears the attractive
+title <i>Perch of the Devil</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>), will eclipse the record of all that
+has gone before; but it need not do that to be well worth reading. It is
+a tale of mining life, set against a background of claims and veins and
+drifts and ores&mdash;things that I for one delight to read about because of
+their infinite possibilities, the romance of the gamble that is in them.
+There is plenty of this gamble in <i>Perch of the Devil</i> (the mountain
+township where the miners lived). <i>Gregory Compton</i>, the hero, makes his
+pile all right, and has some rare moments in doing it. He would have
+been happier if he could have enjoyed prosperity, when it came, for its
+own sake and for that of his pretty wife. But, though he bestowed upon
+her all the luxuries that successful mining commands&mdash;frocks and cars
+and European travel&mdash;it was another woman, <i>Ora</i>, who had his heart. And
+unfortunately she was the wife of his partner. It is with this quartette
+of characters that Mrs. <span class="sc">Atherton</span> works out her tale, an unusually small
+cast for a story of 373 pages; but you will hardly need to be told with
+what sympathetic and subtle skill she depicts them. Her art is, as
+always, extraordinarily minute and close. The two women especially are
+made to live before us with a great effect of actuality. She has wit,
+too, of a dry, rather grim, kind. I liked her comparison of <i>Gregory's</i>
+emotion on finding himself in love with <i>Ora</i> to that of a small boy
+despising himself for a second attack of measles before he discovers the
+later complaint to be scarlet fever. You must read this book.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In no industrial survey of the present situation have I seen any
+reliable estimate of the probable output of patriotic romance. Yet the
+figures seem likely to be impressive. One of the earliest samples is
+before me now. It is called <i>The Gate of England</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and
+Stoughton</span>), with the sub-title, <i>A Romance of the Days of Drake</i>, and is
+in every way true to its admirable type. What I mean by this is that it
+contains everything that you expect and are glad to find&mdash;a Virgin
+Queen, imperious and quick of retort, with a generous eye for the claims
+of gallantry; a hero who simply could not be more heroic; villains (of
+Spanish name, priests, murderers, all a regular bad lot), and the right
+proportion of female interest and humorous relief. Need I give you the
+details? How the hero, Captain of the Queen's body-guard, saves Her
+Majesty's life (a scene with a genuine thrill in it) and is rewarded by
+her. How he goes in command of an expedition against Channel
+freebooters, and finally ends up as an agent of the British Intelligence
+Department, finding out things about the army of His Grace of Parma,
+then at Dunkirk awaiting conveyance by the Spanish fleet. He seems,
+however, to have been something of a failure in the way of intelligence,
+as by lack of this the hero managed to get himself and his companion
+imprisoned for spies (which indeed they were), and was only rescued by
+the intervention of <span class="sc">Drake</span> as the god from the machine. A pleasant, if
+undistinguished, tale that will be enjoyed by the young of all ages. It
+is a minor point, but when one finds the hero called <i>Christopher
+Stone</i>, and another character rejoicing in the name of <i>Gabriel Ray</i>, it
+is hard to acquit the author of some poverty of invention. His own name
+(I had almost forgotten to mention) is <span class="sc">Morice Gerard</span>; and he has done
+better work.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>Pan-Germanism</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>) is a seasonable cheap reprint of a study of
+that egregious creed by <span class="sc">Roland G. Usher</span>, an American Professor of
+History. With an almost cynical candour and detachment the author
+analyses the origins, assumptions, justifications and pretensions, and
+foreshadows with some insight the miscalculations, of those who have
+essayed to direct the destinies of modern Germany. It is as well that
+this essay comes from a neutral pen; it would else be discredited as a
+freak of prejudice. Pan-Germanism, as here seen, is the <i>reductio ad
+absurdum</i> of the doctrine that all is fair in war&mdash;and peace. It is no
+less than blank anarchy, philosophic and practical, and indefinitely
+less workable as a theory of international life than that of the so long
+discredited Sermon on the Mount. The honest Briton can find here solid
+justification of his cause. Perhaps it is not altogether unwholesome
+that our national withers don't entirely escape wringing. We are a
+little guilty, but much less guilty than our arch-opponent; so thinks
+this sober and wide-eyed critic.... Certainly, and the more
+significantly since it is without direction or intention of the writer,
+one sees behind all the tragedy of these dark weeks and of the long
+months and years to come the sinister picture of a man of no more than
+common earthly wisdom saddled with responsibilities that might well
+break the nerve of a council of the gods. Is it well, if the matches
+must be kept in the powder-magazine, to let the children in to play with
+them?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/288.png">
+<img src="images/288.png" width="100%" alt="the London public would feel more secure" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><span class="sc">Perhaps the London public would feel more secure if our
+guardian airship were made in this pattern.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">That he will arm the German cat and dog</p>
+<p class="i6">The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> swears in language hot and heady;</p>
+<p class="i4">He leaves the swine out of his catalogue</p>
+<p class="i6">Because the swine, it seems, are armed already.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h4>The Horrors of War.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Another German officer prays for a decisive engagement which will
+put an end to bloody encounters. One evening he and his
+fellow-officers had to share between themselves a meal prepared for
+their men."&mdash;<i>Times.</i> </p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The records of the war have furnished many instances of physical
+hardship, but none more terrible than this.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 27967-h.txt or 27967-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/9/6/27967</a></p>
+<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.</p>
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+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2007 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 30, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 30, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: February 2, 2009  [eBook #27967]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 27967-h.htm or 27967-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967/27967-h/27967-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/9/6/27967/27967-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 147
+
+SEPTEMBER 30, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The German troops which started out for a "pleasure trip" to Paris are
+now reported, owing, no doubt, to the influence of British environment,
+to be taking their pleasures sadly.
+
+     * * *
+
+Several reasons have been given for the destruction of Rheims Cathedral.
+The real one is now said to be the following. Owing to the Red Cross
+Flag being flown from one of the towers the Germans thought the building
+was only a hospital.
+
+     * * *
+
+A Scotsman gifted with much native humour wishes it to be known how glad
+he is to see that the Frenchmen have been getting their Aisne back.
+
+     * * *
+
+It is reported that the KAISER is proceeding to East Prussia to assume
+the chief command there. In Petrograd the news is only credited by
+extreme optimists.
+
+     * * *
+
+It does not say much for the enterprise of our English newspapers that
+we should have had to go all the way to India for a reference to what
+must have been an exceedingly clever capture of one of the enemy. "As
+the war progresses," says _The Times of India_ of the 20th ult., "the
+stories of German brutality become more and more frequent. One instance
+is shown in a letter from a German soldier captured in a mail-bag in
+Lorraine."
+
+     * * *
+
+We have always held that the Turkish sense of humour has been
+underrated. A leading Ottoman statesman has told _Der Tag_ (the
+newspaper of that name: the real thing has not turned up yet): "We only
+fear for Germany one thing--her magnanimity towards the conquered, a
+quality which she shares with the great Turkish conquerors of the past."
+
+     * * *
+
+There is reported to be an uneasy feeling among the poor in our big
+towns that, if hard times should come, an attempt will be made to foist
+on them many of the weirder garments which kind-hearted ladies have been
+making for the troops.
+
+     * * *
+
+The attention of the public is being directed to the value of fish as a
+food, in contradistinction, we suppose, to its remarkable qualities as a
+perfume.
+
+     * * *
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S statement that "The Prussian Junker is the road-hog
+of modern Europe" has, we hear, had a curious and satisfactory sequel.
+Large numbers of adepts in the art of pig-sticking are joining the
+Sportsmans' Battalion which is now in process of formation.
+
+     * * *
+
+Not the least encouraging result of the War would seem to be that it has
+put a stopper on decadent ideas as to dress. Mlle. GABY DESLYS, we read,
+found herself unable to begin her season at the Palace the week before
+last as her dresses were delayed in Paris.
+
+     * * *
+
+A London-born Italian organ-grinder who was plying his trade in Wales
+has, _The Express_ tells us, enlisted in Lord KITCHENER'S Army for
+foreign service, and has left his organ in charge of the recruiting
+officer at Barmouth. A pity. It should have made a powerful weapon to
+use against the enemy.
+
+     * * *
+
+So much has been written about the brutality of the Germans that it
+seems only fair to draw attention to an act of humanity on their part.
+Steps have been taken at Stuttgart, at any rate, to protect prisoners
+against annoyance. "It is," runs a proclamation, "rigorously forbidden
+for any woman to cast amorous glances at British and French prisoners."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: TAKING NO RISKS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HAUNT OF ANCIENT PEACE.
+
+The young man who had come into this quiet room looked round him with a
+sigh of relief at finding it empty. It was a large room, and he knew it
+well. Usually a little sombre and even oppressive of aspect, to-day it
+seemed filled only with an atmosphere of kindly security and
+benevolence. He noticed (being sensitive to such impressions) that in
+some strange way this restful atmosphere seemed to emanate from the
+large table, covered with illustrated papers and magazines, that stood
+in the centre. He approached it and, drawing up a chair, began to take
+the papers one after another into his hands.
+
+Then he understood. Gradually, as he read, the nightmare that life had
+lately become faded away from him, and he saw himself once more
+surrounded by the sane and gentle interests that had been familiar to
+him from childhood. In one paper he read how such and such Duchesses
+were preparing yacht-parties for Cowes, and of the thrilling triumphs of
+the Russian ballet. Another told him that the Government was a
+collection of craven imbeciles, and that the price of rubber continued
+disappointing. He saw photographs of golf-champions and ladies in the
+chorus of musical comedies. One paper had a picture representing the
+state entry into somewhere or other of a--a German Royalty. The uniforms
+in this caused him a momentary uneasiness, as of a light sleeper who
+stirs in his dream and seems about to wake. Then he turned the page, and
+the dream closed upon him again as he contemplated an illustrated
+solution of the problem "Where shall we spend our summer holidays?"
+
+He sighed contentedly and went on turning the pages, here reading a
+paragraph, here merely glancing at pictures or headlines. Thus the hours
+passed. How peaceful it was in this quiet room! And this table of
+literature, strange that never before had he appreciated its subtle
+charm....
+
+Long afterwards, when they came to seek him, he was found asleep, a
+happy smile upon his face, and his weary head fallen forward amid the
+two-months-old newspapers of the dentist's waiting-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IMPERIAL OVERTURE.
+
+     [_From notes taken by a British airman while engaged in hovering
+     over the KAISER'S headquarters at ----. The name of the place is
+     excised because the Press Bureau Authorities do not wish the KAISER
+     to be informed of his own whereabouts._]
+
+    Now let an awful silence hold the field,
+  And everybody else's mouth be sealed;
+  For lo! your KAISER (sound the warning gong!)
+  Prepares to loose his clarion lips in song.
+
+    In time of War the poet gets his chance,
+  When even wingless Pegasi will prance;
+  Yet We, whose pinions oft outsoared the crow's,
+  Have hitherto confined Ourself to prose.
+  But who shall doubt that We could sing as well as
+  That Warrior-bard TYRTAEUS, late of Hellas,
+  Who woke the Spartans up with words and chorus
+  Twenty-six centuries B.U. (Before Us)?
+  Also, since Truth is near allied to Beauty,
+  We are convinced that We shall prove more fluty
+  Than certain British scribes whom We have read
+  (Recently published by The Bodley Head).
+
+    Well, then, it is Our purpose to inflame
+  Our soldiers' arteries with lust of fame;
+  To give them something in the lyric line
+  That shall be tantamount to fumes of wine,
+  Yet not too heady, like the champagne (sweet)
+  That lately left them dormant in the street,
+  So that the British, coming up just then,
+  Took them for swine and not for gentlemen.
+
+    Rather we look to brace them, soul and limb,
+  With something in the nature of a hymn,
+  Which they may chant, assisted by the band,
+  While working backwards to the Fatherland.
+  Put to the air of _Deutschland ueber alles_
+  Or else to one of Our own sacred ballets,
+  The lilt of it should leave their hearts so fiery
+  That at the finish they would make enquiry--
+  "What would our ATTILA to-day have done?"
+  And, crying "Havoc!" go and play the Hun.
+  For there are some cathedrals standing yet,
+  And heavy is the task to Culture set,
+  Ere We may lay aside the holy rod
+  Made to chastise the foes of Us and God.
+
+    And now that We are fairly in the vein
+  Let Us proceed to build the lofty strain.
+  Ho! bid the Muse to enter and salute
+  The burnished toe of Our Imperial boot!
+  Hush! guns! and, ye howitzers, cease your fire!
+  We, WILLIAM, are about to sound the lyre!
+
+      O. S.
+
+    _Note._--Unfortunately the actual composition of which
+    this is the preface has been censored, as likely to have a
+    disintegrating effect upon the discipline of our forces at
+    the front.
+
+           *       *       *       *       *
+
+    THE TWO VOICES.
+
+    "It was Mr. Will Crooks, the well-known Labour member, who
+    asked the Chairman if the House might sing 'God Save the King,'
+    and when Mr. Crooks started it in his deep bass voice everyone stood
+    up and joined in the singing."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+    "Moreover, Mr. Crooks had pitched the tune a little too high, and
+    it seemed for a moment that he with his rich high tenor voice would
+    have to sing the anthem as a solo."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+           *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. II.
+
+    (_From the Rev. Dr. DRYANDER, Court Chaplain._)
+
+    MOST ALLGRACIOUS SIR,--Now that I have finished
+    writing my sermon for next Sunday I can find time for a
+    little quiet sound thinking by way of a change. I can say
+    quite seriously that I am tired to death of writing and
+    preaching sermons. It is not permitted, highly honoured
+    EMPEROR, that in my sermon I say anything displeasing to
+    your Imperial self. I must not remind you that you are a
+    man like other men, a man liable to weakness and error,
+    swayed by temper, capable, since your position gives you
+    power, of trampling on the rights of others in a moment of
+    passion, of confounding justice with your own desires and
+    of mistaking the promptings of ambition or malice or envy
+    for an inspiration from Heaven itself. No, I must not say
+    all this or any of it, but, on the contrary, I must describe
+    you to yourself and your family and the chosen intimates
+    who flatter you beyond even my power to flatter, I must
+    describe you, I say, as the Lord's, anointed, as the vice-gerent
+    of God on earth, as being raised by God's favour
+    above all human foibles, in short, as being supremely right
+    and just whenever your faults and your injustice cry aloud
+    for the divine punishment. Even if you were a thoroughly
+    good and sensible man, _totus teres atque rotundus_, instead
+    of being a bundle of caprice and prejudice, the task would
+    be difficult. As it is, it is unpleasant and ought to be impossible.
+    My sermons exist to prove that I have attempted
+    it with such courage as I could command, although in these
+    conditions courage is only another name for the cowardly
+    compliance that causes a man to detest himself and to take
+    a low view of human nature.
+
+    At any rate I have done my best for you. How many
+    times have I not bidden the faithful to fall down before you
+    and worship you? Have I not proved from Holy Scripture
+    that your lightest word is spoken, not by you, but by the
+    Almighty; that you, in fact, are something higher and
+    better in bones and flesh and blood and brains than anything
+    that mere ordinary mortals can pretend to be? I can
+    see you nodding your head in Imperial approval when such
+    phrases came from me, and all the time I knew in my
+    heart that the God of whom you were thinking, and to
+    whose intimacy you pretended, was not the God under
+    whom a Christian minister takes service, but a being
+    formed after the image of a Prussian drill-sergeant who
+    wears a pointed helmet and a turned-up moustache.
+
+    Sir, I have my doubts as to this fearful war in which we
+    are engaged. You entered upon it, you say, to carry out
+    your treaty obligations to Austria. Treaties, no doubt, are
+    sacred things. But why, then, was not the treaty obligation
+    to Belgium as sacred as that with Austria? Was it
+    because Belgium was weak and (as you thought) defenceless
+    that you invaded her country, slaughtered her people,
+    and sacked her towns? Was this the reason for the foul
+    treatment of Louvain? And is it agreeable, do you think,
+    to the Almighty that the glorious Cathedral of Rheims
+    should be bombarded and ruined even by German shells?
+
+    When the years have rolled on and you shall have been
+    called away to render an account of what you did on earth,
+    for what reasons will you be remembered amongst men?
+    Not because you established justice and did good deeds--or
+    even great ones--for your people, but because you
+    plunged the world in war in order to feed your vanity,
+    and laid waste Belgium and shattered the Cathedral of
+    Rheims. Truly a shining memory.
+
+    Yours, in all humility,
+      DRYANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BOER AND BRITON TOO.
+
+GENERAL BOTHA (_composing telegram to the KAISER_). "JUST OFF TO REPEL
+ANOTHER RAID. YOUR CUSTOMARY WIRE OF CONGRATULATION SHOULD BE ADDRESSED:
+'BRITISH HEADQUARTERS--GERMAN SOUTH-WEST AFRICA.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Incredulous friend_ (_to soldier invalided home_).
+"WHAT--YOU CAPTURED TEN GERMANS BY YOURSELF? GOOD GRACIOUS! HOW DID YOU
+DO IT?"
+
+_Tommy._ "I JUST SHOUTED OUT 'WAITER!' AND THEY CAME ALONG."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST LINE.
+
+I.
+
+We are the last line of defence. When the Regular Army and the Reserve
+Army and the new Million Army and the Indian Army and the Overseas Army
+and the Territorial Army are all entering Berlin together, then the
+defence of England (we hope) will rest entirely upon us. There are not
+many of us, as armies go nowadays, but there ought to be one apiece for
+all the towns round the coast, and what we lack in numbers we shall make
+up for in pride.
+
+We are the last line of defence. We all have wives or defective retinas
+or birthdays previous to 1879, or something that binds us together
+unofficially. Our motto from Monday to Friday is, "Soldier and Civilian
+too," and in camp at week-ends, "Remember Przemysl." At present we have
+no uniforms, to the disgust of our wives; but they are coming. Opinion
+is divided as to whether we want them to come. Some say that, clad in
+khaki, we shall get admiring glances from the women and envious glances
+from the small boys which are not really our due; our proud spirit
+rebels against the idea of marching through London in false colours.
+James says that, seeing that a soldier is only a soldier, and that he
+himself (James) is a special constable from 4 A.M. to 8, a dashed
+hard-working solicitor from 9.30 to 5, and a soldier from 5.30 to 7, not
+to mention the whole week-end, he jolly well expects all the admiration
+he can get; and that, if any small boy cheers him under the impression
+that he is only a Territorial, he is doing him a confounded injustice.
+Perhaps a tail-coat and khaki breeches would best meet the case.
+
+Then we come to the question of rifles. There are at this moment
+thousands of men in the Army who have no rifles. Whole battalions of new
+recruits are unarmed. Our battalion is not unarmed; it has a rifle. We
+have all seen it; those of us who have been on guard through the cold
+dark hours of Saturday-Sunday have even carried it--respectfully, as
+becomes a man who thanks Heaven that it is not loaded. Our pride in it
+is enormous. Were a sudden night attack by Zeppelins made upon our camp,
+the battalion would rally as one man round the old rifle, and fling
+boots at the invader until the last pair of ammunition gave out. Then,
+spiking the Lee-Enfield, so that it should be useless if it fell into
+the hands of the enemy, we should retire barefoot and in good order,
+James busily jotting down notes of our last testamentary
+dispositions....
+
+But, of course, we know that the invaders will not come yet. Meanwhile
+much can be learnt without arms (_cf._ "Infantry Training" _passim_--a
+book we all carry in our pockets), and we have the promise of enough
+rifles for a company in three weeks. When the last lot of German
+prisoners begins to land we shall be ready for them.
+
+We get plenty of encouragement; indeed we feel that the authorities have
+a special eye upon us. To give an example. We paraded the other night
+and were inspected by a General--tut-tut, a couple of Generals. One of
+them addressed us afterwards and gave us to understand that, having seen
+the flower of the Continental armies at work, he was, even so, hardly
+prepared for the extraordinary--and so on; which made James throw out
+his lower chest a couple of inches further than usual. Whereupon the
+Admiralty airship hurried up and, flying slowly over us, inspected us
+from the top. I say nothing of what James must have looked like from the
+top; what I say is that not many battalions are inspected by two
+Generals and an airship simultaneously. We are grateful to the
+authorities.
+
+Just at present our fault is over-keenness. On our first Sunday in camp
+our company commander stood us to attention and asked for three
+volunteers--for some unnamed forlorn hope. The whole company advanced
+two paces. He took the first three in the first platoon and handed them
+over to a sergeant. They were marched off on their perilous mission with
+nine men from other companies. The dauntless twelve. We that were left
+behind composed explanations to our wives, making it quite clear that we
+had volunteered, but pointing out that, as only twelve could go, they
+had probably chosen the ugliest ones first. Our three heroes rejoined us
+during an "easy" an hour later. The forlorn hope, had been to dig a hole
+and bury all the unused fragments of last night's supper--the gristly
+bits.... And now, when three volunteers are called for, the whole
+company remains rooted to attention. It is our keenness again; we are
+here to drill; to form fours, to march, to wheel; we want to learn to be
+soldiers, not dustmen.
+
+But naturally we differ in our ideas upon the best way to
+learn--particularly in regard to night-work. What James says is, "Why be
+uncomfortable in camp? If I could do anything for my country between the
+hours of 10.30 P.M. and 5.30 A.M., I would do it gladly. But if my
+country, speaking through the gentleman who commands my platoon, tells
+me to retire to my tent with the fourteen loudest-breathers in
+Middlesex, I may at least _try_ to get a little bit of sleep." So he
+brings with him two air-cushions, a pillow, three blankets and a pair of
+bed-socks, and does his best. On the other hand, John says, "When one is
+on active service one has to sleep anywhere. Unless I am preparing for
+that moment, what am I here for at all?" So he disdains the use of
+straw, selects the hardest brick he can find for his head, and wraps
+himself up in a single coat. And I doubt if he sleeps worse than James.
+Personally, I lie awake all night listening to the snores of the others
+and envying them their repose ... and I find that they all say they have
+been doing the same.
+
+It was James, by the way, who created such a sensation the first time he
+appeared on parade with all his impedimenta. There was a shout of
+laughter from the company--and then a quiet voice behind me said
+reflectively, "He decided _not_ to bring the parrot."
+
+  A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "There is a story here of a reservist, arriving from the provinces,
+     who saw on the Nevsky a brilliantly lighted picture palace, and
+     took off his hat before it and crossed himself devoutly. The point
+     of that story is that the man, when pointed out to me on the
+     parade-ground, was working in rubber gloves upon the installation
+     of field wireless apparatus."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Ha-ha! (Yes, just for a moment it escaped us). _Ha-ha!_ HA-HA-HA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VALHALLA.
+
+(_A vision and a protest._)
+
+  I saw in the night unbroken,
+    In the land the daylight shuns,
+  At their long tables oaken
+    The Sea-kings and the Huns.
+
+  Strong arms had they for smiting,
+    To them death only gave
+  More feasting and more fighting,
+    More plunder for the brave.
+
+  Scant use had they for pleaders,
+    They boasted of their war,
+  The pitiless bright-eyed leaders,
+    And their battle-god was Thor.
+
+  And "When this right hand falters,"
+    Quoth one, "the soul is fled;"
+  "And I made so many altars
+    Ruinous," this one said.
+
+  And lo! as they sat and vaunted
+    Across the mist of the years,
+  There came to them one that flaunted
+    The helm of the war-god's peers.
+
+  A little shape and a mightless,
+    And the strong men laughed and roared:
+  "Is our father Odin sightless
+    That bade _him_ share the board?
+
+  "From what realms spoilt and plundered,
+    From what shrines burnt art come?
+  Has thine hand hewed and thundered
+    On the crosses of Christendom?"
+
+  And he said, "I too had legions,
+    I fouled where ye defiled,
+  I trod in the selfsame regions
+    And warred on woman and child.
+
+  "Tricked out in my shining armour
+    And riding behind my Huns,
+  I harried the priest and farmer,
+    I followed the smoking guns."
+
+  But the kings cried out and shouted
+    As they drained the sweetened mead:
+  "Was it thus that the Franks were routed,
+    When we made Europe bleed?
+
+  "This king with a leaden rattle
+    And death that comes from afar,
+  What pride hath he of the battle?
+    What lust to maim or mar?
+
+  "The loot and the red blood running
+    Were the only signs we saw;
+  But the gods that gave thee cunning
+    Have also given thee law."
+
+  And a Northman spake: "With seven
+    Fair churches when I died
+  I had paved my path to heaven;
+    Their pillage was my pride.
+
+  "I tore the saints from their niches
+    With the red hands of my rage;"
+  But what hast thou in thy ditches
+    To do with a craftless age?
+
+  "Thou hast felt no Viking's starkness;
+    Thou hast lost a Christian's throne."
+  And they drove him forth in the darkness
+    To find a place of his own.
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SILENCE OF WAR.
+
+I have a confession to make. Once in the happy far-off days--it seems
+ages since--I was bored by my fellow-passengers' conversation in the
+train. I daresay that they were equally bored by mine; but against that
+view there is the fact that this is my confession and not theirs. Well,
+I am punished now. I admit that I would give a good deal to hear
+Griffith's story of how he did the dog-leg hole in three again. There
+sits Griffith opposite to me, and no one would know that he had ever
+handled a club. He has become a golf-mute.
+
+Or think of Purvis. The recital of the performances of Purvis's new car
+lent an additional terror to railway travelling. I have forgotten the
+very make of his car now. I cannot particularise the number of its
+cylinders or say if it is electrically started. Purvis is
+conversationally punctured.
+
+There was, too, one recalls, an Insurance Act. Wilson felt a special
+grievance because he employed an aged gardener, out of charity, two days
+a week. He talked, if I remember correctly, about a cruel fourpence and
+a mythical ninepence. He read fierce letters he had composed for the
+Press, and when the papers published them, which was seldom, he read
+them to us all over again. As an anti-insurance agitator Wilson now
+comes under the unemployment section of the accursed Act.
+
+And the strange people who intruded with third-class tickets, and
+trampled on our toes, and smoked shag, and talked repulsively about the
+Cockspurs and Chelsea's new purchase from Oldham Athletic, and gave each
+other "dead certs" of appalling incertitude, and passed remarks which to
+my mind showed a shocking lack of respect for the upper and middle
+classes! We were not one class in those times.
+
+May it all come back to us soon--all the old chatter! Come back to us,
+Sir THOMAS LIPTON and the Cup! Come back to us, GLOOMY DEAN! Come back
+to us, Ninepence for Fourpence. Come back to us, "dead certs" and "also
+rans." Come back golf and motor-cars. Come back, Wicked Government and
+Wicked Opposition. Life is too painfully interesting now. I long to be
+bored again.
+
+But it must be boredom with honour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S WAR CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+NEW STYLE.
+
+Hearing that the German troops were advancing from the North-East along
+the line Malines--Mons--Mezieres--Soissons--Verdun--Belfort, I
+immediately made off due South-West for a reason I may not give. I
+managed with the utmost difficulty to find someone to carry my kit, but
+at length persuaded an old peasant whom I found weeding (probably the
+last weeds he would ever dig) to act as my courier, and even then I had
+to resort to the vulgar strategy of pretending to be a Uhlan.
+
+We joined the throng boarding an old motor-bus (6-1/2 h.p.). There was
+nothing to show to outward appearance that the dreaded Germans were
+within 250 miles of the little townlet where I found myself (name
+suppressed). After booking my room at the only decent hotel in the
+place, I cast about for something to eat. Alas, the only eatables were
+roast duck and apple tart (the last probably we should ever see). I then
+unpacked my kit, and after folding my riding breeches I placed them
+under the mattress, wondering when I should take them out again. It is
+curious how even the simplest necessities of life mechanically assert
+themselves in the midst of the most strenuous and adventurous
+circumstances.
+
+Troops, troops, troops, and yet again troops. And people still go on
+living their daily lives. I saw two men seated in a _cafe_ playing
+draughts, and they quarrelled over a move as though they had never heard
+tell of the KAISER. Such is _la guerre_. I am rapidly polishing up my
+French which I learnt at ----, how many years ago I may not say.
+
+We know little of the German plans, and that much it is useless for me
+to communicate as the Censor is stopping all news of any interest. But
+this we do know here in our little town of ---- that the KAISER will
+undoubtedly defeat the English armies if he can. To-day I saw an officer
+who had been sent back to count the milk-cans on a large dairy-farm
+(probably the last cans he would ever count); as he clattered down the
+road, mounted on his charger, I stepped in front of him and held up my
+hand, in which was a recent copy of _The Daily Cry and Echo_. The
+officer with difficulty stopped, as his horse reared on seeing the paper
+in my hand. I then asked him where he would advise me to go, as I wanted
+to be where the fire was hottest. He at once told me to go to (name
+withheld). I often think of that gay young officer and wonder what he is
+doing.
+
+To-night I sat up late (how late we used to sit up in London!) sewing a
+button on my (word excised) and darning one of the legs. I am now
+dashing this off to catch the morning post (probably the last post that
+will ever leave for England). I could not sleep for thinking that in a
+few days' time I may hear the boom-boom-boom of the German 17.44 guns,
+the sound of which has been likened to a puppy yelping. Such is war.
+
+I hope later on to send an important document dealing with the
+dispositions of the various armies engaged. I have been fortunate enough
+to get a glimpse of plans not more than a month old which a Colonel of
+Howitzers carelessly left in the pocket of his bathing-suit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Mabel._ "MOTHER, DEAR! I DO HOPE THIS WAR WON'T BE OVER
+BEFORE I FINISH MY SOCK!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "HOT PURSUIT.
+
+     BRITISH PRESS ON HEELS OF ENEMY."
+
+     _People._
+
+At last the British Press is getting to the front.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are officially informed that, when every cat and dog in the German
+Empire has been enrolled and armed, each cat will be allowed to provide
+its own kit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Physically, Mr. Owen is a fine type, and his height is almost
+     double that of the originator of the Welsh Army Corps--the
+     Chancellor of the Exchequer.--_Western Mail._"
+
+If we allow Mr. OWEN a generous 8 feet, this would make Mr. LLOYD GEORGE
+about 4 ft. 2 in. He _must_ be taller than that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHOICE.
+
+The scene was Maida Vale--in the home of Julius Blumenbach, an
+Englishman of one generation.
+
+"Well, my dear," said Mr. Blumenbach on his return from his office, "it
+won't do. The time has come to take the plunge. We have often talked
+about it, but now we must act. Only this morning I received five letters
+closing the account--all because of the name."
+
+"You know I have urged it on you often enough," said Mrs. Blumenbach.
+"And not only have I thought it necessary, but my relatives have urged
+it too."
+
+Mr. Blumenbach repressed a gesture of impatience. "I know, I know," he
+said. "Well, we must do it. _The Times_ has a dozen notices of changed
+names every day."
+
+"The question is what shall the new one be?" his wife replied. "We must
+remember it's not only for ourselves and the business, but it will be so
+much better for the boys, too, when they go to Eton. A good name--but
+what?"
+
+"That's it," said Mr. Blumenbach. "That's the difficulty. Now I've got a
+little list here. I have been jotting down names that took my fancy for
+some time past. Of course there are many people who merely translate
+their German names, but I think we ought to go farther than that. We
+ought to be thorough while we are about it."
+
+"Yes, and let us be very careful," said Mrs. Blumenbach. "It's a great
+responsibility--a critical moment. It's almost as critical as--for a
+woman--marriage. Let us take a really nice name."
+
+"Of course," said her husband. "That goes without saying."
+
+"Yes," she continued, "but a name that goes well with 'Sir' or 'Lady.'
+You never know, you know."
+
+"I don't see, myself, that 'Sir Julius Blumenbach' would sound so bad,"
+said her husband; "I've heard worse."
+
+"But 'Sir Julius Kitchener,' for example, would sound better," said Mrs.
+Blumenbach.
+
+Mr. Blumenbach started. "You don't really suggest--" he began.
+
+"No, I don't," she replied. "But I want you to see that while we're
+about it we may as well be thorough. If at the present moment we have a
+name which is disliked here, how much wiser, when taking another, to
+choose one which is popular!"
+
+"True," Mr. Blumenbach said. "But 'Kitchener.' Isn't that----"
+
+"Too far? Perhaps so," said his wife. "Then what about 'French'?"
+
+"A little too short," said her husband. "I favour three syllables."
+
+"Then 'Smith-Dorrien'?"
+
+"Oh, let's be shy of hyphens," he replied.
+
+"Why?" she asked. "I've always had rather a partiality for them. They're
+very classy in England, too, as you would know if you were as English as
+I am."
+
+"I am English!" said Mr. Blumenbach fiercely.
+
+"Yes, dear, but not quite so---- Still, let us pass that over. The point
+is----"
+
+"No hyphens, anyway," said Mr. Blumenbach. "They're dangerous. They
+carry too much family history. No, a straightforward plain name is best.
+Like, say, 'Macdonald.'"
+
+"Scotch?"
+
+"Yes, why not?"
+
+"I hadn't been thinking that way," said Mrs. Blumenbach, "but I
+agree--why not 'Sir Julius Macdonald'? Yes, that's all right."
+
+"Or 'Mackenzie'?" said Mr. Blumenbach, consulting his list.
+
+"I prefer 'Macdonald.'"
+
+"Or 'Macintosh'?"
+
+"No, no."
+
+"Or 'Abercrombie'?"
+
+"Too long."
+
+"'Lauder'?"
+
+"No, I think not."
+
+"He's very popular."
+
+"I know; but the music-hall? No," said Mrs. Blumenbach, taking up a pen,
+"let it be 'Macdonald.'" She traced the name. "Good heavens!" she
+exclaimed suddenly, dropping the pen and pushing away the paper with a
+gesture of finality, "of course it can't be that."
+
+"Why ever not?" Mr. Blumenbach insisted.
+
+"Fancy you not knowing!" Mrs. Blumenbach replied. "You of all people!
+Why, think of the linen and the silver--all the monograms. Everything
+would have to be marked afresh. It must begin with B, of course."
+
+"Of course," said Mr. Blumenbach, mopping his brow as the terrible truth
+broke on him, "of course! What an idiot I have been! Of course it must
+begin with B. The expense!"
+
+"But fancy you not thinking of that!" Mrs. Blumenbach insisted.
+
+"Yes, fancy. It's worry over the war. I'm not myself."
+
+"Poor dear! You can't be," said his wife. "Well, what shall we do now?"
+
+"It's all right," said Mr. Blumenbach. "I'll go to the British Museum to
+look out the B's in the Edinburgh Directory."
+
+"Do, dear, do!" said his wife, and he hurried for his hat. "Just to
+think of you not thinking of that!" she repeated, as he bade her
+farewell.
+
+"Yes, indeed!" he replied. "But it's the war, I'm sure. I'm sure it's
+the war."
+
+Later in the day he returned, a potential Sir Julius Bannockburn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Enthusiast_ (_explaining the situation_). "LET THIS 'ERE
+MEAT-AXE BE THE RUSSIANS A-COMIN' IN ON THE EAST; THE CARVIN'-KNIFE'S
+THE FRENCHIES ALONG 'ERE; OUR BOYS IS THE MUSTARD-POT; AND 'ERE'S THE
+GERMANS--THIS 'ERE PLATE O' TRIPE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE GERMANISED.
+
+One touch of NIETZSCHE makes the whole world sin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOUND AND FURY.
+
+A double Dutch Agency circulates a report of a great patriotic concert
+recently held in Berlin. The programme, which is printed on a mere scrap
+of paper, was as follows:--
+
+A
+GRAND PRUSSIAN PATRIOTIC
+CONCERT
+
+IN AID OF THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT
+WAR FUND
+
+Will be held in the
+DISMANTLED BRITISH EMBASSY.
+
+     * * *
+
+PROGRAMME.
+
+I.
+
+SELECTION:
+"Hail, Smiling Marne."
+_Band of the Imperial Prussian Guard._
+
+II.
+
+SONG:
+"Father, dear Father, come Home with
+me now."
+_Words and music by
+the GERMAN CROWN PRINCE._
+
+III.
+
+BANJO RECITAL:
+"The Sally of our Ally."
+_Words and music by
+the Emperor FRANCIS JOSEPH._
+
+IV.
+
+CHORUS:
+"Forty Years On."
+_Setting arranged by
+Count VON MOLTKE the Second._
+
+V.
+
+SONG:
+"Oft in the Stilly Night."
+_Words and music by
+COUNT ZEPPELIN, composer of
+"What does little Birdie say?"_
+
+VI.
+
+RECITAL:
+"The Blue Carpathian Mountains."
+_The Viennese Orchestra._
+
+VII.
+
+HUMOROUS SONG:
+"The Bonny Bonny Banks."
+_Arranged by
+the Imperial Minister of Finance._
+
+VIII.
+
+SONG:
+"And Nobody cares for Me!"
+_Respectfully dedicated to
+the GERMAN EMPEROR._
+
+IX.
+
+GRAND PATRIOTIC CHORUS (in which
+the audience is requested to join):
+
+"PRUSSIA EXPECTS THAT EVERY MAN
+THIS DAY WILL GRAB HIS BOOTY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "GREAT SCOTT! I MUST DO SOMETHING. DASHED IF I DON'T GET
+SOME MORE FLAGS FOR THE OLD JIGGER!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STEEPLE.
+
+  There's mist in the hollows,
+    There's gold on the tree,
+  And South go the swallows
+    Away over sea.
+
+  They home in our steeple
+    That climbs in the wind,
+  And, parson and people,
+    We welcome 'em kind.
+
+  The steeple was set here
+    In 1266;
+  If WILLIAM could get here
+    He'd burn it to sticks.
+
+  He'd burn it for ever,
+    Bells, belfry and vane,
+  That swallows would never
+    Come home there again.
+
+  He'd bang down their perches
+    With cannon and gun,
+  For churches is churches,
+    And WILLIAM'S a Hun.
+
+  So--mist in the hollow
+    And leaf falling brown--
+  Ere home comes the swallow
+    May WILLIAM be down!
+
+  And high stand the steeples
+    From Lincoln to Wells,
+  For parsons and peoples,
+    For birds and for bells!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It makes things clearer, for example, if one knows that a howitzer
+     gun drops its shells, while an ordinary field gun fires them to all
+     intents and purposes vertically."
+
+     _Weekly Dispatch._
+
+Much clearer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Youthful Patriot._ "Oh, mummy, you _must_ speak to baby:
+he's most awfully naughty. He won't let nurse take his vest off, and
+(_in an awe-struck voice_) he keeps on screaming and yelling that _he
+likes the Germans_! _Anybody_ might hear him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAR-HORSE OF THE KING.
+
+  I knew you in the first flight of the Quorn,
+    One who never turned his gallant head aside
+  From bank or ditch, from double rail or thorn,
+    Or from any brook however deep and wide;
+  I know the love your owner on you spent;
+    I know the price he put upon your speed;
+  And I know he gave you freely, well content,
+    When his country called upon him in her need.
+
+  I have seen you in the bondage of the camp
+    With a heel-rope on a pastern raw and red,
+  Up and fighting at the stable-picket's tramp
+    With the courage of the way that you were bred;
+  I have seen you standing, broken, in the rain,
+    Lone and fretting for a yesterday's caress;
+  I have seen your valour spur you up again
+    From the sorrow that your patient eyes express.
+
+  Now in dreams I see your squadron at the Front,
+    You a war-horse with a hero on your back,
+  Taking bugles for the horn-blast of the hunt,
+    Taking musketry for music of the pack;
+  Made and mannered to the pattern of the rest,
+    Gathered foam--and maybe blood--upon your rein,
+  You'll be up among the foremost and the best,
+    Or we'll never trust in Leicestershire again!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN A GOOD CAUSE.
+
+War or no war, the children must have their Christmas presents, and they
+wouldn't look at the usual toys made in Germany, even if they could be
+had this year. The Women's Emergency Corps has the matter in hand. Some
+fascinating models have been designed and registered, and many women who
+were in need of work are engaged in copying them under skilled
+direction. Funds are needed badly at the start, though the scheme will
+eventually support itself. For the children's sake, and even more for
+the sake of the women-breadwinners to whom the war has brought distress,
+_Mr. Punch_ begs his generous friends to help this work. Gifts should be
+sent to The Duchess of Marlborough, Old Bedford College, 8, York Place,
+Baker Street, W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MEMORY.
+
+TO THOSE WHO DIED IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE WAR.
+
+  Not theirs to triumph yet; but, where they stood,
+  Falling, to dye the earth with brave men's blood
+  For England's sake and duty. Be their name
+  Sacred among us. Wouldst thou seek to frame
+  Their fitting epitaph? Then let it be
+  Simple, as that which marked Thermopylae:--
+  "_Tell it in England, thou that passest by,
+  Here faithful to their charge her soldiers lie._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE GREAT GOTH.
+
+DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW IN A NEO-GOTHIC CATHEDRAL AT
+POTSDAM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Newly-gazetted Subaltern._ "GIRLS! GIRLS! YOU REALLY
+MUSTN'T CROWD ROUND ME LIKE THIS. I'VE MISSED TWO SALUTES ALREADY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR DUMB ENEMIES.
+
+Although the German army already owes much of its efficiency to useful
+hints garnered from the animal kingdom--such as the goose-step, which
+has been employed with such conspicuous success in the streets of
+Brussels--we were hardly prepared for the far-reaching mobilisation of
+the more familiar mammals which is now foreshadowed. It is true that we
+had already been much impressed by the KAISER'S threat to continue the
+war to the last breath of man and horse, but it is none the less
+startling to learn, on American authority, that the German Government
+would, at a pinch, be prepared to arm every cat and dog in the Empire.
+It will thus be open to the future historian to speak of "the cats of
+war."
+
+There is another branch of the community which should not be
+overlooked--if the KAISER is willing to take a suggestion--in the form
+of the domestic cattle of the Fatherland. These, we believe, are
+admirably adapted to attack in close formation upon entrenched
+positions. And much might be done with the rats from the cellars of
+Munich--than which no finer natural warriors exist.
+
+But the new menace must be met. Fortunately, if zoological warfare is to
+become an accomplished fact, the British Empire has great untapped
+resources. It is rumoured that a Camel Corps has been despatched from
+India already, and a squadron of elephants should be a match for a whole
+Army Corps of dachshunds.
+
+On the whole we welcome the new departure. It may lead--who knows?--to
+the establishment of a higher standard in German civilized warfare.
+
+An interesting light has been thrown on this new mobilisation by a
+letter concealed in the whiskers of the captured mascot (a
+Tortoiseshell) of a Bavarian regiment. It runs as follows:--
+
+    POTSDAM.
+    (Can't divulge address.)
+
+    DEAR GRETCHEN,--Awful bad luck for poor Schneider. He went to
+    enlist and was told to register! Of course he's got a streak of the
+    Persian in him on his mother's side, and used to brag about it, as
+    we all know; but now it's done him in the eye, and he's fairly mad.
+    Carl is in the commissariat and tells me we've got three million
+    tins of sardines; so that's all right as far as it goes; but, if
+    there's any weakness in the victualling department, I shall be the
+    first to leave the colours.
+
+    They're making one huge mistake. The dogs are called out too. You know
+    what German dogs are--sausage-food, we call them. Of course they'll be
+    cut up and give the show away. But, if they're in the first line with
+    us behind them, they'll have to fight somebody.
+
+    Albrecht is in the Royal Blacks (Empress's own). Max has joined the 3rd
+    Tabbies, and I've got a command in the 10th Tortoiseshells.
+
+    Your one and only
+    PUSS IN PRUSSIANS.
+
+    P.S.--It's a joke with the Tabby regiments that they've got their
+    stripes already.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Ste. Menehould is 32 miles due west of Verdun. Montfaucon is 18
+     miles north-east of Ste. Menehould and a dozen miles north-west of
+     Verdun."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+The War has changed many things; among them the triangle's old habit of
+having two of its sides together greater than the third. But there;
+"necessity," as the IMPERIAL CHANCELLOR says, "knows no law."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Humorist (to Cinema Commissionaire)._ "NOW VEN, WILHELM,
+GIVE US ONE OR TWO GOOSE-STEPS!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+IV.
+
+Dear Charles,--Half-a-dozen officers of _the_ battalion, including your
+own pet terrier, have got cut off from the main body, but are all alive
+and well, as you shall hear. We have come down from our war to our peace
+station in order to gather together the few hundred recruits who have
+been enrolled to bring up the brigade to its proper establishment, and
+fill the places of those luckless fellows whose flesh was too weak for
+Imperial service, however willing their spirit might have been. I must
+say I was more sorry for the "medically unfit" than I have ever been for
+anyone in this hard world, when we took affectionate leave of them.
+
+The recruit is an excellent fellow, whose only fault is that he didn't
+start before. Now and then he is a plutocrat, as I have found to my
+cost. It was my first job to prearrange the lodging of two hundred of
+them in their temporary billet, an unoccupied mansion originally
+designed to house twenty persons at the outside. There was an overflow,
+as you may imagine, which had to be lodged in the outhouses. The garage
+I marked out for twenty-five, leaving it to themselves to decide whether
+or not the inspection-pit was the place of honour reserved for the
+N.C.O. in charge. Other business prevented my receiving them at the
+front gate and conducting them to their several rooms. When I did arrive
+on the scene it was my heartrending duty to explain to Privates
+Anstruther and Vernon that the reason why they couldn't find their
+bedroom was because they had filled it with their motor-cars. But it is
+wonderful how people can settle down to anything; an hour later I found
+the twenty-five of them comfortably tucked in for the night, crooning
+unanimously, "There's no place like home!" To-day they have chalked up
+on the wall, "The Ritz Private Boarding Establishment; well-aired beds;
+bring your own straw. Excellent cuisine. _No_ garage."
+
+This is the sort of remark which, as you go the rounds of the mess
+tables, you have to pretend you have not heard: "The officer wants to
+know if you have all got plenty of potatoes. Every man stand up and say
+'I have';" and, to demonstrate the _camaraderie_ which exists in the
+hard circumstances of military life, "George, lend me your slice of
+bacon to clean my knife with." The most moving reply I have personally
+received came from one of the less-educated section. I asked to what
+company he was attached, and he didn't know. "Who is your captain?" I
+said. "'Im with the scuppered 'at," was the descriptive reply. Captain
+Herne has since lectured his gang on the rudiments of military
+discipline, first, however, replenishing his neglected equipment.
+
+And now let us turn from the domestic aspect to the infantry training,
+and let me tell you all about outposts, their duty and their manner of
+performing it. Outpost companies, it must be remembered, do their work
+at night. I don't know, Charles, whether you have ever sat under a hedge
+for hours on end in the dark, waiting the approach of the enemy. It must
+be bad enough in real warfare, where there is a chance of his turning
+up; but in practice it is worse, for there is the certainty that he
+_must_ turn up. He left the camp an hour before you did yourself, and,
+if he does succeed in getting through your lines, he'll never let you
+hear the last of it.
+
+Now you must remember that my fellows had spent many weary days "sloping
+arms," only to unslope them again almost immediately, and in other
+sufficiently bloodless pursuits. They are naturally of a pugilistic
+breed, and the attacking party comprised old-time opponents. Constant
+efforts to keep a watch in the dark are trying to the nerves, and when
+something substantial does emerge which one may get a grip on ... what
+use is it for an officer to say that no violence is required and enough
+is done for present purposes if the enemy is successfully observed and
+quietly apprehended? The first enemy to approach turned out, on arrest,
+to be just an innocuous cow; but this disappointment served only to make
+the aspect of my men even more menacing. The next arrival was a hapless
+scout of the attacking party: he had come to surprise, but was himself
+violently surprised. What advice and exhortations I had to give were
+lost in the hubbub. "Put up your fists, chaps, and let him have it!" was
+the order, which was obeyed. The necessity for silence was forgotten;
+here was something upon which to wreak all the pent-up feelings
+consequent upon a month's perusal of German atrocities. It was
+excusable, if unsporting, for the scout to bite the thumb of his nearest
+assailant--and a good thorough bite it was. It fell to my lot later to
+dress the wound; as I did so the casualty explained to me fully and
+often the exact circumstances of the case. But he was not angry about
+it; far from it. With an expression of feature combining interested
+enquiry with perfect readiness to accept whatever might be in the proper
+order of infantry training, he said, "And then 'e bit me thumb, Sir. Was
+that right?"
+
+D'Arcy and I had an awkward moment the other day. We turned into a
+wayside golf club in an emergency, and begged to be allowed to buy our
+tea there. Even as we did so the Secretary himself arrived in a motor
+car, which, as we were not aware, had but a little while ago overtaken
+Major Danks and the half battalion under his charge. Even the Secretary
+himself, accustomed to ignore foot-passengers, did not appreciate that
+he had roused the Major's wrath by the haste of his overtaking. The
+Secretary was, to us, politeness itself--nay more, he insisted upon our
+being the guests of the club not only on that occasion but on every
+available opportunity. Other members gathered round and endorsed his
+view. We returned thanks in brief and soldierly speeches. There were, by
+way of reply, votes of confidence, and, in rejoinder, expressions of
+reciprocated esteem. The invitation was extended to every officer in the
+battalion, and then we withdrew to the wash-house to prepare to
+receive hospitality. Hardly had we departed when the Major arrived, and
+we returned from our ablutions, if not into the open, at least
+sufficiently near to hear him reprimanding the Secretary in the most
+violent terms, threatening arrest to the miscreant chauffeur, and,
+indeed, the annihilation of the whole clubhouse and links, and every
+man, woman and child in or about them. Old man, I have never less
+enjoyed a meal at others' expense than I did the tea which followed.
+
+Acting temporarily as Quarter-Master I went to the butcher's to-day. "A
+nice morning, Sir," said he. What could he do for me? "What about some
+beef?" said I. "About ten pounds?" he suggested. "Nearer two hundred," I
+replied.... "Good day," he concluded, as he bowed me out of the shop. "A
+_very_ nice morning, Sir."
+
+I'll tell you my opinion of these soldiers, Charles, amateur or
+professional. Feed them like princes and pamper them like babies, and
+they'll complain all the time. But stand them up to be shot at and
+they'll take it as a joke, and rather a good joke, too.
+
+  Yours ever,
+  HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Scene: Playground of sand in a London park._
+
+_Kind-hearted Old Lady._ "THAT LITTLE BOY LOOKS VERY LONELY. WHY DON'T
+YOU ASK HIM TO PLAY WITH YOU?"
+
+_Little Girl._ "OW, DON'T TAKE NO NOTICE OF 'IM, LIDY. 'E'S SWANKIN'
+'COS 'E'S BIN TO THE SEASIDE."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF THE SECRETS OF RUSSIAN SUCCESS.
+
+(_By our Military Expert._)
+
+The brief statement from Headquarters at Petrograd that on the
+South-West front Wszlmysl has fallen and that the pursuit of the
+Austrians has reached Mlprknik has a significance that may easily be
+overlooked by those who are unfamiliar with the topography of the
+district and its pronunciation. Wszlmysl (pronounce Wozzle-mizzle) is a
+large fortified town in the district of Mprzt (pronounce Ha-djisha), at
+the junction of the rivers Ug (pronounce Oogh) and Odzwl (pronounce
+Odol), about ten miles to the N.E. of Ploschkin (pronounce as written),
+with which it is connected by an electric tramway. The information
+available shows that the garrison of Wszlmysl (pronounce Woolloomoolloo)
+deserted their guns and retreated in haste with the Russians in hot
+pursuit. Now, inasmuch as this fortress has been pronounced by the
+Russian expert, Colonel Shumsky (pronounce Sch-tchoomsky), to be
+stronger than either Namur or Liege, the precipitate retirement of the
+Austrians can only be accounted for by a complete breakdown of _moral_.
+
+The cause of this breakdown may escape most observers, but it is in
+reality simple enough. It has long been known that the Austrians have
+found themselves terribly handicapped by their inability to deal
+faithfully with the consonantal difficulties presented by the names of
+towns and districts in which the ethnic basis is Slav and not Teutonic.
+Quite recently, on the capture of the town of Prtnkevichsvtntchiskow
+(unpronounceable, and only to be approximately rendered with the
+assistance of a powerful Claxon horn), the garrison were found to be in
+a deplorable condition of aphasia and suffering from chronic laryngitis.
+We have therefore the best grounds for believing that a similar cause
+operated in the case of the Austrian defenders of Wszlmysl. They fled
+because they were unable to cope with the vocal exigencies of the
+situation.
+
+To sum up, we have in our Eastern ally a nation not only great in
+numbers, in warlike prowess, and in enthusiasm for their cause, but also
+fortified by the possession of a language so rich in phonetic variety
+and so formidable in consonantal concentration as to strike terror into
+opponents of lesser linguistic capacity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THOSE WHO SIT IN JUDGMENT."
+
+In days of great national tension the public needs some coaxing to be
+got into the theatre at all. Our managers should either, at the risk of
+appearing callous, offer us a pure distraction from the strain of things
+or else provide something in harmony with the emotions of the time. But
+frankly I cannot find in the programme at the St. James's any apparent
+sign of consideration for present conditions. It is true that it
+supplies excellent entertainment for Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, who has
+plenty of occupation in a part that suits him well. But I was thinking,
+selfishly enough, of my own needs and those of other non-combatants.
+
+I admit that the scene in West Africa was a diverting novelty. I had
+never before, to my recollection, met a native monarch from the Gold
+Coast, and I have pleasure in accepting the assurance of Mr. CROWTHER,
+Secretary for Native Affairs in this district, that they are like that.
+But it was impossible to feel any very deep concern as to what might
+happen to the damaged hero (_Michael Trent_) on his return to England
+after the failure of his rubber schemes. The best he could hope for, by
+way of consolation for being misunderstood, was to become a
+co-respondent in a suit brought by the chief sitter-in-judgment. Even so
+we might have contrived a little sympathy if the woman's fifth-rate
+environment had not made any community of tastes hopelessly improbable.
+For her, too, it seemed to us a poor business that the only
+encouragement she could offer him in the undeserved ruin of his career
+was to get it blasted all over again--and this time on a true charge--by
+running away with him.
+
+But the rubber-man in the play was never a hero. There in his Gold Coast
+shanty we see his lover's young brother dying of fever under his eyes.
+Yet from the moment when he himself gets a touch of the same complaint
+he takes to brandy, and practically loses all further interest--at any
+rate of a coherent kind--in the fate of his _protege_. And at the
+end--though he seems to take a good deal of personal pride in the
+prospect--the only heroism that lies before him is the living-down of a
+sordid scandal in the divorce-court.
+
+As _Michael Trent_, Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER played excellently, and I have
+nothing to say against either the quality or the quantity of his work,
+except that in the First Act the tale of his experience in the Beresu
+forest, which began with a very natural air, developed into something
+like a recitation. He might almost have been Mr. ROOSEVELT, in a mood of
+exaltation, describing his river to the Geographical Society. That
+clever actress, Miss HENRIETTA WATSON, had to play a difficult part as
+_Trent's_ lover, in a vein that, I think, is new to her. She did it
+well, though she seemed to start on a note of intensity which left her
+too little margin for the time when she really needed it; her appeal,
+too, was rather to our intelligence than our hearts. Mr. NIGEL PLAYFAIR,
+waiving his gift of deliberate humour, showed himself a master of the
+petty meannesses of a certain phase of suburban banality. Mr. VOLPE
+presided, with the right rotundity of a rubber company's chairman, over
+a very spirited meeting of indignant share-holders. And, finally,
+nothing became Mr. REGINALD OWEN so well as the manner of his dying.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"YOUNG WISDOM."
+
+_Victoria_ was very young and very, very wise. She knew all about the
+slavery of the marriage-tie, the liberty of the female subject, and
+high-sounding things of that sort, and kept books of advanced thinking
+secretly under her mattress--where her little brother found them and
+thought them dull, and her mother found them and thought them rather
+funny. _Victoria's_ theory was that all marriages ought to be preceded
+by a trial trip, but it was her sister _Gail_ who had the pluck to put
+this theory into practice. She insisted on her young man, _Peter_,
+eloping with her on the night before their wedding. _Peter_, a simple
+gentleman with a mouth permanently open, was reluctantly persuaded.
+Whereupon _Christopher_, the best man, engaged to _Victoria_, insisted
+upon _Victoria_ also living up to her theory and eloping without
+clerical assistance--which she did almost as unwillingly as _Peter_. The
+two couples meet at midnight in an old moorland cottage rented by an
+artist called _Max_ (no, not the one you think), whereupon two important
+things happen:--
+
+(1) _Gail_ decides in about twenty minutes that she loves
+_Max_, not _Peter_. (2) _Victoria_ decides that she hates trial
+trips. So they all five go back together, and, after a lot of
+"Tut-tut-what-the-blank-upon-my-souls" from the military stage-father,
+they sort themselves out again and get married properly--_Peter_ being
+left over with a cold in the head.
+
+The author, Miss RACHEL CROTHERS, has not strained herself severely in
+writing _Young Wisdom_, and the result is a pleasantly innocent little
+play, which, thanks to the Misses MARGERY MAUDE and MADGE TITHERADGE as
+the two sisters, and Mr. JOHN DEVERELL as _Peter_, gave us all a good
+deal of pleasure. Miss MAUDE had a part with a little comedy in it for
+once, and she played it delightfully.
+
+  M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDITATIONS ON MUSHROOMS.
+
+We were playing the ancient and honourable game of acrostics and we had
+to think of and describe a word bounded on the West by the initial E,
+and on the East by the final H.
+
+"That which you can never have of mushrooms," was one of the
+descriptions. It was, of course, guessed at once--"Enough;" and could
+there be a truer compliment to this strange exotic delicacy, which costs
+nothing but a walk in an early autumnal morning and is more choice than
+the rarest flavours ever designed by the most inspired of _chefs_? For
+certainly there has never been enough of them. I, at any rate, have
+never had enough. The thought of mushrooms missed must add pathos to
+many a death-bed.
+
+It is a terrible moment when the dish comes in and one rapidly notes the
+disparity between the paucity of its contents and the vast and eager
+anticipation of the company. For it is useless to attempt to conceal
+greed when mushrooms arrive. A certain amount of dissimulation has
+mercifully been given by a wise Providence to all of us for the
+lubrication of the cogs of daily life; but it does not extend so far as
+this. And particularly so if the mushrooms have been fried in butter.
+Stewed they are not of course to be undervalued, especially if one dares
+to soak one's bread in the juice; nor even reposing in tragic isolation
+on Juan Fernandezes of toast; but the real way is to fry them in butter.
+As I say, it is a terrible moment when the dish arrives and the faces of
+the guests are studied; but should there be one present, or--more
+ecstatic moment still--two, who confess to a dislike of this perilous
+fungus, then what an access of rapture by way of compensation! Truly
+wise hostesses have been known to murmur something about toadstools and
+risk, as an encouragement to the doubters; or if they don't their
+husbands do. It is however no real good! Even with two defaulters the
+dish does no more than stimulate desire; whilst such is its power of
+fascination that consummate _gourmets_ have been known to express no
+dismay at the possibility of poison being there, a death so won being
+worth dying.
+
+Mushrooms, to win such homage as this, must be picked in the fields and
+cooked at home. The forced mushrooms which grow under the shelf in the
+greenhouse or in a corner of the cellar lack something of divinity;
+while there is not a restaurant _chef_ in the world who has not a long
+record of ruined mushrooms to his name. No sooner does a public cook get
+at a mushroom than it begins to deteriorate. When the _chef_ comes in at
+the door the savour flies out of the window. It is a point of honour
+with him. When therefore I said that one can never have enough mushrooms
+I meant at home.
+
+It is an injustice to the mushroom to eat it as an adjunct to other
+food; while there is one meat which in alliance it renders unwholesome.
+The odd thing is that every one differs as to what this meat is; but my
+own hazy recollection says mutton. Still that prohibition is not for us,
+who know the only way in which mushrooms should be eaten: fried, with
+bread and butter, and the butter spread too thick.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is rumoured that the freedom of Hunstanton is to be conferred on the
+KAISER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE BULL-DOG BREED.
+
+_Officer._ "NOW, MY LAD, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE PLACED HERE FOR?"
+
+_Recruit._ "TO PREVENT THE HENEMY FROM LANDIN', SIR."
+
+_Officer._ "AND DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD PREVENT HIM LANDING ALL BY
+YOURSELF?"
+
+_Recruit._ "DON'T KNOW, SIR, I'M SURE. BUT I'D HAVE A DAM GOOD TRY!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BUSINESS AS USUAL."
+
+Corkey is the School Attendance Officer and a terror to every boy in the
+neighbourhood. He looks at the truant and says fiercely, "Where was
+you?" Then he wags a savage finger at him. "Yes, you was," he says, "you
+was, you know you was. I caught you in the hact." No boy has ever been
+known to withstand him.
+
+Yet Corkey has a heart.
+
+William Frederick Wright is our chief boy scout. In the first great days
+of the war, William was on duty at a railway bridge up the line. Local
+fame placed him somewhere between FRENCH and KITCHENER. Sent to round up
+the truant, Corkey reported in glowing words, "_Guarding his country._"
+
+A second week's absence produced the same report. Then business instinct
+began to war with patriotism in the breast of Corkey. During the third
+week he once more looked the culprit up.
+
+His report was grim and terse. "_Warned him_," he wrote.
+
+On the following Monday William sadly returned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AWAKENING.
+
+  Ere our lesson to the KAISER,
+    Self-anointed Lord of Earth,
+  Left that furious monarch wiser
+    _Re_ our troops' intrinsic worth,
+  Frankly, I had thought you flighty,
+    Callous to the very core;
+  Lovely?--yes, like Aphrodite;
+          Nothing more.
+
+  Later, when you slaked your thirsting
+    For an apron, cuffs and cap,
+  Long before the war-cloud, bursting,
+    Made a mess of Europe's map,
+  Though your mind showed some improvement,
+    Lady, I conceived you had
+  Joined a purely social movement
+          For a fad.
+
+  Now the scales at length uplifted
+    From my eyes in you reveal,
+  Verily, a woman gifted
+    With the power to help and heal.
+  So I send, for shame, these verses
+    Where you brave the battle's brunt,
+  One of England's noble Nurses
+          At the front.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I always open a new book by GERTRUDE ATHERTON with a pleasant
+grace-before-meat sensation of being already truly thankful for what I
+am about to receive. And it is hardly ever that I am disappointed. I do
+not mean to tell you that her latest story, which bears the attractive
+title _Perch of the Devil_ (MURRAY), will eclipse the record of all that
+has gone before; but it need not do that to be well worth reading. It is
+a tale of mining life, set against a background of claims and veins and
+drifts and ores--things that I for one delight to read about because of
+their infinite possibilities, the romance of the gamble that is in them.
+There is plenty of this gamble in _Perch of the Devil_ (the mountain
+township where the miners lived). _Gregory Compton_, the hero, makes his
+pile all right, and has some rare moments in doing it. He would have
+been happier if he could have enjoyed prosperity, when it came, for its
+own sake and for that of his pretty wife. But, though he bestowed upon
+her all the luxuries that successful mining commands--frocks and cars
+and European travel--it was another woman, _Ora_, who had his heart. And
+unfortunately she was the wife of his partner. It is with this quartette
+of characters that Mrs. ATHERTON works out her tale, an unusually small
+cast for a story of 373 pages; but you will hardly need to be told with
+what sympathetic and subtle skill she depicts them. Her art is, as
+always, extraordinarily minute and close. The two women especially are
+made to live before us with a great effect of actuality. She has wit,
+too, of a dry, rather grim, kind. I liked her comparison of _Gregory's_
+emotion on finding himself in love with _Ora_ to that of a small boy
+despising himself for a second attack of measles before he discovers the
+later complaint to be scarlet fever. You must read this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In no industrial survey of the present situation have I seen any
+reliable estimate of the probable output of patriotic romance. Yet the
+figures seem likely to be impressive. One of the earliest samples is
+before me now. It is called _The Gate of England_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), with the sub-title, _A Romance of the Days of Drake_, and is
+in every way true to its admirable type. What I mean by this is that it
+contains everything that you expect and are glad to find--a Virgin
+Queen, imperious and quick of retort, with a generous eye for the claims
+of gallantry; a hero who simply could not be more heroic; villains (of
+Spanish name, priests, murderers, all a regular bad lot), and the right
+proportion of female interest and humorous relief. Need I give you the
+details? How the hero, Captain of the Queen's body-guard, saves Her
+Majesty's life (a scene with a genuine thrill in it) and is rewarded by
+her. How he goes in command of an expedition against Channel
+freebooters, and finally ends up as an agent of the British Intelligence
+Department, finding out things about the army of His Grace of Parma,
+then at Dunkirk awaiting conveyance by the Spanish fleet. He seems,
+however, to have been something of a failure in the way of intelligence,
+as by lack of this the hero managed to get himself and his companion
+imprisoned for spies (which indeed they were), and was only rescued by
+the intervention of DRAKE as the god from the machine. A pleasant, if
+undistinguished, tale that will be enjoyed by the young of all ages. It
+is a minor point, but when one finds the hero called _Christopher
+Stone_, and another character rejoicing in the name of _Gabriel Ray_, it
+is hard to acquit the author of some poverty of invention. His own name
+(I had almost forgotten to mention) is MORICE GERARD; and he has done
+better work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Pan-Germanism_ (CONSTABLE) is a seasonable cheap reprint of a study of
+that egregious creed by ROLAND G. USHER, an American Professor of
+History. With an almost cynical candour and detachment the author
+analyses the origins, assumptions, justifications and pretensions, and
+foreshadows with some insight the miscalculations, of those who have
+essayed to direct the destinies of modern Germany. It is as well that
+this essay comes from a neutral pen; it would else be discredited as a
+freak of prejudice. Pan-Germanism, as here seen, is the _reductio ad
+absurdum_ of the doctrine that all is fair in war--and peace. It is no
+less than blank anarchy, philosophic and practical, and indefinitely
+less workable as a theory of international life than that of the so long
+discredited Sermon on the Mount. The honest Briton can find here solid
+justification of his cause. Perhaps it is not altogether unwholesome
+that our national withers don't entirely escape wringing. We are a
+little guilty, but much less guilty than our arch-opponent; so thinks
+this sober and wide-eyed critic.... Certainly, and the more
+significantly since it is without direction or intention of the writer,
+one sees behind all the tragedy of these dark weeks and of the long
+months and years to come the sinister picture of a man of no more than
+common earthly wisdom saddled with responsibilities that might well
+break the nerve of a council of the gods. Is it well, if the matches
+must be kept in the powder-magazine, to let the children in to play with
+them?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: PERHAPS THE LONDON PUBLIC WOULD FEEL MORE SECURE IF OUR
+GUARDIAN AIRSHIP WERE MADE IN THIS PATTERN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  That he will arm the German cat and dog
+    The KAISER swears in language hot and heady;
+  He leaves the swine out of his catalogue
+    Because the swine, it seems, are armed already.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HORRORS OF WAR.
+
+     "Another German officer prays for a decisive engagement which will
+     put an end to bloody encounters. One evening he and his
+     fellow-officers had to share between themselves a meal prepared for
+     their men."--_Times._
+
+The records of the war have furnished many instances of physical
+hardship, but none more terrible than this.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+147, SEPTEMBER 30, 1914***
+
+
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