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diff --git a/27709.txt b/27709.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..97bc525 --- /dev/null +++ b/27709.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1620 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Five O'Clock Tea, by W. D. Howells + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Five O'Clock Tea + Farce + +Author: W. D. Howells + +Release Date: January 5, 2009 [EBook #27709] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FIVE O'CLOCK TEA *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + +----------------------------------------------------------+ + | Transcriber's Note: | + | | + | On page 31, in the list of characters, Mrs. Campbell has | + | been changed to Mrs. Canfield. | + +----------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + +FIVE O'CLOCK TEA + +HARPER'S BLACK & WHITE SERIES + + + + +[Illustration: "'WILL YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION, AMY?'"] + + + FIVE O'CLOCK TEA + + Farce + + BY + W. D. HOWELLS + + ILLUSTRATED + + NEW YORK + HARPER AND BROTHERS + 1894 + + Copyright, 1894, by HARPER & BROTHERS. + Copyright, 1885, by HARPER & BROTHERS. + Copyright, 1885, by W. D. HOWELLS. + + _All rights reserved._ + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + "'WILL YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION, AMY?'" _Frontispiece_ + + "MRS. SOMERS, POURING A CUP OF TEA: 'THAT + MAKES IT A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT'" _Facing page 32_ + + + + +FIVE O'CLOCK TEA + +I + +_MRS. SOMERS; MR. WILLIS CAMPBELL_ + + +Mrs. Amy Somers, in a lightly floating tea-gown of singularly becoming +texture and color, employs the last moments of expectance before the +arrival of her guests in marching up and down in front of the mirror +which fills the space between the long windows of her drawing-room, +looking over either shoulder for different effects of the drifting and +eddying train, and advancing upon her image with certain little bobs +and bows, and retreating from it with a variety of fan practice and +elaborated courtesies, finally degenerating into burlesque, and a +series of grimaces and "mouths" made at the responsive reflex. In the +fascination of this amusement she is first ignorant, and then aware, of +the presence of Mr. Willis Campbell, who on the landing space between +the drawing-room and the library stands, hat in hand, in the pleased +contemplation of Mrs. Somers's manoeuvres and contortions as the mirror +reports them to him. Mrs. Somers does not permit herself the slightest +start on seeing him in the glass, but turns deliberately away, having +taken time to prepare the air of gratification and surprise with which +she greets him at half the length of the drawing-room. + +Mrs. Somers, giving her hand: "Why, Mr. Campbell! How very nice of you! +How long have you been prowling about there on the landing? So stupid of +them not to have turned up the gas!" + +Campbell: "I wasn't much incommoded. That sort of pitch-darkness is +rather becoming to my style of beauty, I find. The only objection was +that I couldn't see you." + +Mrs. Somers: "Do you often make those pretty speeches?" + +Campbell: "When I can found them on fact." + +Mrs. Somers: "What can I say back? Oh! That I'm sorry I couldn't have +met you when you were looking your best." + +Campbell: "Um! Do you think you could have borne it? We might go out +there." + +Mrs. Somers: "On second thoughts, no. I shall ring to have them turn up +the gas." + +Campbell: "No; let me." He prevents her ringing, and going out into the +space between the library and drawing-room, stands with his hand on the +key of the gas-burner. "Now how do I look?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Beautiful." + +Campbell, turning up the gas: "And now?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Not _half_ so well. Decidedly pitch-darkness is becoming +to you. Better turn it down again." + +Campbell, rejoining her in the drawing-room: "No; it isn't so becoming +to you; and I'm not envious, whatever I am." + +Mrs. Somers: "You are generosity itself." + +Campbell: "If you come to phrases, I prefer magnanimity." + +Mrs. Somers: "Well, _say_ magnanimity. Won't you sit down--while you +have the opportunity?" She sinks upon the sofa, and indicates with her +fan an easy-chair at one end of it. + +Campbell, dropping into it: "Are there going to be so many?" + +Mrs. Somers: "You never can tell about five o'clock tea. There mayn't be +more than half a dozen; there may be thirty or forty. But I wished to +affect your imagination." + +Campbell: "You had better have tried it in some other kind of weather. +It's snowing like--" + +Mrs. Somers, running to the window, and peeping out through the side of +the curtain: "It is! like--cats and dogs!" + +Campbell: "Oh no! You can't say that! It only rains that way. I was +going to say it myself, but I stopped in time." + +Mrs. Somers, standing before the window with clasped hands: "No matter! +There will simply be nobody but bores. _They_ come in any sort of +weather." + +Campbell: "Thank you, Mrs. Somers. I'm glad I ventured out." + +Mrs. Somers, turning about: "What?" Then realizing the situation: "Oh, +_poor_ Mr. Campbell!" + +Campbell: "Oh, don't mind _me_! I can stand it if you can. I belong to a +sex, thank you, that doesn't pretend to have any tact. I would just as +soon tell a man he was a bore as not. But I thought it might worry a +lady, perhaps." + +Mrs. Somers: "Worry? I'm simply aghast at it. Did you ever hear of +anything worse?" + +Campbell: "Well, not much worse." + +Mrs. Somers: "What can I do to make you forget it?" + +Campbell: "I can't think of anything. It seems to me that I shall always +remember it as the most fortunate speech a lady ever made to me--and +they have said some flattering things to me in my time." + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh, don't be entirely heartless. Wouldn't a cup of tea +blot it out? With a Peak & Frean?" She advances beseechingly upon him. +"Come, I will give you a cup at once." + +Campbell: "No, thank you; I would rather have it with the rest of the +bores. They'll be sure to come." + +Mrs. Somers, resuming her seat on the sofa: "You are implacable. And I +thought you said you were generous." + +Campbell: "No; merely magnanimous. I can't forget your cruel frankness; +but I know _you_ can, and I ask you to do it." He throws himself back in +his chair with a sigh. "And who knows? Perhaps you were right." + +Mrs. Somers: "About what?" + +Campbell: "My being a bore." + +Mrs. Somers: "I should think _you_ would know." + +Campbell: "No; that's the difficulty. Nobody would be a bore if he knew +it." + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh, _some_ would, I think." + +Campbell: "Do you mean me?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Well, no, then. I don't believe you would be a bore, if +you knew it. Is that enough? or do you expect me to say something +more?" + +Campbell: "No, it's quite enough, thank you." He remains pensively +silent. + +Mrs. Somers, after waiting for him to speak: "Bores for bores, don't you +hate the silent ones most?" + +Campbell, desperately rousing himself: "Mrs. Somers, if you only knew +how disagreeable I was going to make myself just before I concluded to +hold my tongue!" + +Mrs. Somers: "Really? What were you going to say?" + +Campbell: "Do you actually wish to know?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh no; I only thought you wished to tell." + +Campbell: "Not at all. You complained of my being silent." + +Mrs. Somers: "Did I? I was wrong. I will never do so again." She laughs +in her fan. + +Campbell: "And I complain of your delay. You can tell me now, just as +well as two weeks hence, whether you love me enough to marry me or +not." + +Mrs. Somers: "You promised not to recur to that subject without some +hint from me. You have broken your promise." + +Campbell: "Well, you wouldn't give me any hint." + +Mrs. Somers: "How can I believe you care for me if you are false in +this?" + +Campbell: "It seems to me that my falsehood is another proof of my +affection." + +Mrs. Somers: "Very well, then; you can wait till I know my mind." + +Campbell: "I'd rather know your heart. But I'll wait." After a pause: +"Why do you carry a fan on a day like this? I ask, to make general +conversation." + +Mrs. Somers, spreading the fan in her lap, and looking at it curiously: +"I don't know." After a moment: "Oh yes; for the same reason that I +shall have ice-cream after dinner to-day." + +Campbell: "That's no reason at all." After a moment: "Are you going to +have ice-cream to-day after dinner?" + +Mrs. Somers: "I might. If I had company." + +Campbell: "Oh, I couldn't stay after hinting. I'm too proud for that." +He pulls his chair nearer and joins her in examining the fan in her lap. +"What is so very strange about your fan?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Nothing. I was just seeing how a fan looked that was the +subject of gratuitous criticism." + +Campbell: "I didn't criticise the _fan_." He regards it studiously. + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh! _Not_ the fan?" + +Campbell: "No; I think it's extremely pretty. I like big fans." + +Mrs. Somers: "So good of you! It's Spanish. That's why it's so large." + +Campbell: "It's hand-painted, too." + +Mrs. Somers, leaning back, and leaving him to the inspection of the fan: +"You're a connoisseur, Mr. Campbell." + +Campbell: "Oh, I can tell hand-painting from machine-painting when I see +it. 'Tisn't so good." + +Mrs. Somers: "Thank you." + +Campbell: "Not at all. Now, that fellow--cavalier, I suppose, in +Spain--making love in that attitude, you can see at a glance that _he's_ +hand-painted. No _machine_-painted cavalier would do it in that way. +And look at the lady's hand. Who ever saw a hand of that size before?" + +Mrs. Somers, unclasping the hands which she had folded at her waist, and +putting one of them out to take up the fan: "You said you were not +criticising the fan." + +Campbell, quickly seizing the hand, with the fan in it: "Ah, I'm wrong! +Here's another one no bigger. Let me see which is the largest." + +Mrs. Somers, struggling not very violently to free her hand: "Mr. +Campbell!" + +Campbell: "Don't take it away! You must listen to me now, Amy." + +Mrs. Somers, rising abruptly, and dropping her fan as she comes forward +to meet an elderly gentleman arriving from the landing: "Mr. Bemis! How +very heroic of you to come such a day! Isn't it too bad?" + + + + +II + +_MR. BEMIS; MRS. SOMERS; MR. WILLIS CAMPBELL_ + + +Bemis: "Not if it makes me specially welcome, Mrs. Somers." Discovering +Campbell: "Oh, Mr. Campbell!" + +Campbell, striving for his self-possession as they shake hands: "Yes, +another hero, Mr. Bemis. Mrs. Somers is going to brevet everybody who +comes to-day. She didn't _say_ heroes to me, but--" + +Mrs. Somers: "You shall have your tea at once, Mr. Bemis." She rings. "I +was making Mr. Campbell wait for his. You don't order up the teapot for +one hero." + +Bemis: "Ha, ha, ha! No, indeed! But I'm very glad you do for two. The +fact is"--rubbing his hands--"I'm half frozen." + +Mrs. Somers: "Is it so very cold?" To Campbell, who presents her fan +with a bow: "Oh, thank you." To Mr. Bemis: "Mr. Campbell has just been +objecting to my fan. He doesn't like its being hand-painted, as he +calls it." + +Bemis: "That reminds me of a California gentleman whom I found looking +at an Andrea del Sarto in the Pitti Palace at Florence one +day--by-the-way, _you've_ been a Californian too, Mr. Campbell; but you +won't mind. He seemed to be puzzled over it, and then he said to me--I +was standing near him--'Hand-painted, I presume?'" + +Mrs. Somers: "Ah! ha, ha, ha! How very good!" To the maid, who appears: +"The tea, Lizzie." + +Campbell: "You don't think he was joking?" + +Bemis, with misgiving: "Why, no, it never occurred to me that he was." + +Campbell: "You can't always tell when a Californian's joking." + +Mrs. Somers, with insinuation: "_Can't_ you? Not even adoptive ones?" + +Campbell: "Adoptive ones never joke." + +Mrs. Somers: "Not even about hand-painted fans? What an interesting +fact!" She sits down on the sofa behind the little table on which the +maid arranges the tea, and pours out a cup. Then, with her eyes on Mr. +Bemis: "Cream and sugar both? Yes?" Holding a cube of sugar in the +tongs: "How many?" + +Bemis: "One, please." + +Mrs. Somers, handing it to him: "I'm so glad you take your tea _au +naturel_, as I call it." + +Campbell: "What do you call it when they don't take it with cream and +sugar?" + +Mrs. Somers: "_Au unnaturel._ There's only one thing worse: taking it +with a slice of lemon in it. You might as well draw it from a bothersome +samovar at once, and be done with it." + +Campbell: "The samovar is picturesque." + +Mrs. Somers: "It is insincere. Like Californians. Natives." + +Campbell: "Well, I can think of something much worse than tea with lemon +in it." + +Mrs. Somers: "What?" + +Campbell: "No tea at all." + +Mrs. Somers, recollecting herself: "Oh, _poor_ Mr. Campbell! Two +lumps?" + +Campbell: "One, thank you. Your pity is so sweet!" + +Mrs. Somers: "You ought to have thought of the milk of human kindness, +and spared my cream-jug too." + +Campbell: "You didn't pour out your compassion soon enough." + +Bemis, who has been sipping his tea in silent admiration: "Are you often +able to keep it up in that way? I was fancying myself at the theatre." + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh, _don't_ encore us! Mr. Campbell would keep saying his +things over indefinitely." + +Campbell, presenting his cup: "Another lump. It's turned bitter. _Two!_" + +Bemis: "Ha, ha, ha! Very good--very good indeed!" + +Campbell: "Thank you kindly, Mr. Bemis." + +Mrs. Somers, greeting the new arrivals, and leaning forward to shake +hands with them as they come up, without rising: "Mrs. Roberts! How very +good of you! And Mr. Roberts!" + + + + +III + +_MR. and MRS. ROBERTS and the OTHERS_ + + +Roberts: "Not at all." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Of course we were coming." + +Mrs. Somers: "Will you have some tea? You see I'm installed already. Mr. +Campbell was so greedy he wouldn't wait." + +Campbell: "Mr. Bemis and I are here in the character of heroes, and we +had to have our tea at once. You're a hero too, Roberts, though you +don't look it. Any one who comes to tea in such weather is a hero, or +a--" + +Mrs. Somers, interrupting him with a little shriek: "Ugh! How hot that +handle's getting!" + +Campbell: "Ah, I dare say. Let me turn out my sister's cup." Pouring out +the tea and handing it to Mrs. Roberts. "I don't see how you could +reconcile it to your No. Eleven conscience to leave your children in +such a snow-storm as this, Agnes." + +Mrs. Roberts, in vague alarm: "Why, what in the world could happen to +them, Willis?" + +Campbell: "Oh, nothing to _them_. But suppose Roberts got snowed under. +Have some tea, Roberts?" He offers to pour out a cup. + +Mrs. Somers, dispossessing him of the teapot with dignity: "Thank you, +Mr. Campbell; _I_ will pour out the tea." + +Campbell: "Oh, very well. I thought the handle was hot." + +Mrs. Somers: "It's cooler now." + +Campbell: "And you won't let me help you?" + +Mrs. Somers: "When there are more people you may hand the tea." + +Campbell: "I wish I knew just how much that meant." + +Mrs. Somers: "Very little. As little as an adoptive Californian in his +most earnest mood." While they talk--Campbell bending over the teapot, +on which Mrs. Somers keeps her hand--the others form a little group +apart. + +Bemis, to Mrs. Roberts: "I hope Mr. Roberts's distinguished friend won't +give us the slip on account of the storm." + +Roberts: "Oh no; he'll be sure to come. He may be late. But he's the +most amiable of Englishmen, and I know he won't disappoint Mrs. Somers." + +Bemis: "The most unamiable of Englishmen couldn't do that." + +Roberts: "Ah, I don't know. Did you meet Mr. Pogis?" + +Bemis: "No; what did he do?" + +Roberts: "Why, he came--to the Hibbens's dinner--in a sack coat." + +Mrs. Roberts: "I thought it was a Cardigan jacket." + +Bemis: "_I_ heard a Norfolk jacket and knickerbockers." + +Mrs. Somers: "Ah, there is Mrs. Curwen!" To Campbell, aside: "And +without her husband!" + +Campbell: "Or any one else's husband." + +Mrs. Somers: "For shame!" + +Campbell: "You began it." + +Mrs. Somers, to Mrs. Curwen; who approaches her sofa: "You are kindness +itself, Mrs. Curwen, to come on such a day." The ladies press each +other's hands. + + + + +IV + +_MRS. CURWEN and the OTHERS_ + + +Mrs. Curwen: "You are goodness in person, Mrs. Somers, to say so." + +Campbell: "And I am magnanimity embodied. Let me introduce myself, Mrs. +Curwen!" He bows, and Mrs. Curwen deeply courtesies. + +Mrs. Curwen: "I should never have known you." + +Campbell, melodramatically, to Mrs. Somers: "Tea, ho! for Mrs. +Curwen--impenetrably disguised as kindness." + +Mrs. Curwen: "What shall I say to him?" + +Mrs. Somers, pouring the tea: "Anything you like, Mrs. Curwen. Aren't we +to see Mr. Curwen to-day?" + +Mrs. Curwen, taking her tea: "No, I'm his insufficient apology. He's +detained at his office--business." + +Campbell: "Then you see they don't _all_ come, Mrs. Somers." + +Mrs. Curwen: "All what?" + +Campbell: "Oh, all the--heroes." + +Mrs. Curwen: "Is that what he was going to say, Mrs. Somers?" + +Mrs. Somers: "You never can tell what he's going to say." + +Mrs. Curwen: "I should think you would be afraid of him." + +Mrs. Somers, with a little shrug: "Oh no; he's quite harmless. It's just +a little way he has." To Mr. and Mrs. Miller, Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Bemis, +and Dr. Lawton, who all appear together: "Ah, how do you do? So glad to +see you! So very kind of you! I didn't suppose _you_ would venture out. +And you too, Doctor?" She begins to pour out tea for them, one after +another, with great zeal. + + + + +V + +_DR. LAWTON, MR. and MRS. MILLER, YOUNG MR. and MRS. BEMIS, +and the OTHERS_ + + +Dr. Lawton: "Yes, I too. It sounded very much as if I were Brutus also." +He stirs his tea and stares round at the company. "It seems to me that I +have met these conspirators before. That's what makes Boston +insupportable. You're always meeting the same people!" + +Campbell: "We all feel it as keenly as you do, Doctor." + +Lawton, looking sharply at him: "Oh! _you_ here? I might have expected +it. Where is your aunt?" + + + + +VI + +_MRS. CRASHAW and the OTHERS_ + + +Mrs. Crashaw, appearing: "If you mean me, Dr. Lawton--" + +Lawton: "I do, my dear friend. What company is complete without you?" + +Mrs. Somers, reaching forward to take her hand, while with her +disengaged hand she begins to pour her a cup of tea: "None in _my_ +house." + +Mrs. Crashaw: "Very pretty." Taking her tea. "I hope it isn't complete, +either, without the English painter you promised us." + +Mrs. Somers: "No, indeed! And a great many other people besides. But +haven't you met him yet? I supposed Mrs. Roberts--" + +Mrs. Crashaw: "Oh, I don't go to _all_ of Agnes's fandangoes. I was to +have seen him at Mrs. Wheeler's--he is being asked everywhere, of +course--but he didn't come. He sent his father and mother instead. They +were very nice old people, but they hadn't painted his pictures." + +Lawton: "They might say his pictures would never have been painted +without them." + +Bemis: "It was like Heine's going to visit Rachel by appointment. She +wasn't in, but her father and mother were; and when he met her +afterwards he told her that he had just come from a show where he had +seen a curious monster advertised for exhibition--the offspring of a +hare and a salmon. The monster was not to be seen at the moment, but the +showman said here was monsieur the hare and madame the salmon." + +Mrs. Roberts: "What in the world did Rachel say?" + +Lawton: "Ah, that's what these brilliant anecdotes never tell. And I +think it would be very interesting to know what the victim of a +witticism has to say." + +Mrs. Curwen: "I should think you would know very often, Doctor." + +Lawton: "Ah, now I should like to know what the victim of a compliment +says!" + +Mrs. Curwen: "He bows his thanks." Dr. Lawton makes a profound +obeisance, to which Mrs. Curwen responds in burlesque. + +Miller: "We all envy you, Doctor." + +Mrs. Miller: "Oh yes. Mrs. Curwen never makes a compliment without +meaning it." + +Mrs. Curwen: "I can't say that quite, my dear. I should be very sorry to +mean all the civil things I say. But I never flatter gentlemen of a +certain age." + +Mrs. Miller, tittering ineffectively: "I shall know what to say to Mr. +Miller after this." + +Mrs. Crashaw: "Well, if you haven't got the man, Mrs. Somers, you _have_ +got his picture, haven't you?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Yes; it's on my writing-desk in the library. Let me--" + +Lawton: "No, no; don't disturb yourself! We wish to tear it to pieces +without your embarrassing presence. Will you take my arm, Mrs. Crashaw?" + +Mrs. Bemis: "Oh, let us all go and see it!" + +Roberts: "Aren't you coming, Willis?" + +Campbell, without looking round: "Thank you, I've seen it." + +Mrs. Somers, whom the withdrawal of her other guests has left alone with +him: "How could you tell such a fib?" + +Campbell: "I could tell much worse fibs than that in such a cause." + +Mrs. Somers: "What cause?" + +Campbell: "A lost one, I'm afraid. Will you answer my question, Amy?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Did you ask me any?" + +Campbell: "You know I did--before those people came in." + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh, _that_! Yes. I should like to ask _you_ a question +first." + +Campbell: "Twenty, if you like." + +Mrs. Somers: "Why do you feel authorized to call me by my first name?" + +Campbell: "Because I love you. Now will you answer me?" + +Mrs. Somers, dreamily: "I didn't say I would, did I?" + +Campbell, rising, sadly: "No." + +Mrs. Somers, mechanically taking the hand he offers her: "Oh! What--" + +Campbell: "I'm going; that's all." + +Mrs. Somers: "So soon?" + +Campbell: "Yes; but I'll try to make amends by not coming back soon--or +at all." + +Mrs. Somers: "You mustn't!" + +Campbell: "Mustn't what?" + +Mrs. Somers: "You mustn't keep my hand. Here come some more people. Ah, +Mrs. Canfield! Miss Bayly! So very nice of you, Mrs. Wharton! Will you +have some tea?" + + + + +VII + +_MRS. CANFIELD, MISS BAYLY, MRS. WHARTON, and the OTHERS_ + + +Mrs. Wharton: "No, thank you. The only objection to afternoon tea is the +tea." + +Mrs. Somers: "I'm so glad you don't mind the weather." With her hand on +the teapot, glancing up at Miss Bayly: "And do you refuse too?" + +Miss Bayly: "I can answer for Mrs. Canfield that _she_ doesn't, and I +_never_ do. _We_ object to the weather." + +Mrs. Somers, pouring a cup of tea: "That makes it a little more +difficult. I can keep from offering Mrs. Wharton some tea, but I can't +stop its snowing." + +Miss Bayly, taking her cup: "But you're so amiable; we know you would +if you could, and that's quite enough. We're not the first and only, are +we?" + +Mrs. Somers: "_Dear_, no! There are multitudes of flattering spirits in +the library, stopping the mouth of my portrait with pretty speeches." + +Miss Bayly, vividly: "Not your _Bramford_ portrait?" + +Mrs. Somers: "My Bramford _portrait_." + +Miss Bayly, to the other ladies: "Oh, let us go and see it too!" They +flutter out of the drawing-room, where Mrs. Somers and Campbell remain +alone together as before. He continues silent, while she waits for him +to speak. + +[Illustration: "MRS. SOMERS, POURING A CUP OF TEA: 'THAT MAKES IT A +LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT'"] + + + + +VIII + +_MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL_ + + +Mrs. Somers, finally: "Well?" + +Campbell: "Well, what?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Nothing. Only I thought you were--you were going to--" + +Campbell: "No; I've got nothing to say." + +Mrs. Somers: "I didn't mean that. I thought you were going to--go." She +puts up her hand and hides a triumphant little smile with it. + +Campbell: "Very well, then, I'll go, since you wish it." He holds out +his hand. + +Mrs. Somers, putting hers behind her: "You've shaken hands once. +Besides, who said I wished you to go?" + +Campbell: "Do you wish me to stay?" + +Mrs. Somers: "I wish you to--hand tea to people." + +Campbell: "And you won't say anything more?" + +Mrs. Somers: "It seems to me that's enough." + +Campbell: "It isn't enough for me. But I suppose beggars mustn't be +choosers. I can't stay merely to hand tea to people, however. You can +say yes or no now, Amy, as well as at any other time." + +Mrs. Somers: "Well, no, then--if you wish it so much." + +Campbell: "You know I don't wish it." + +Mrs. Somers: "You gave me my choice. I thought you were indifferent +about the word." + +Campbell: "You know better than that, Amy." + +Mrs. Somers: "Amy again! Aren't you a little previous, Mr. Campbell?" + +Campbell, with a sigh: "Ah, that's for you to say." + +Mrs. Somers: "Wouldn't it be impolite?" + +Campbell; "Oh, not for _you_." + +Mrs. Somers: "If you're so sarcastic, I shall be afraid of you." + +Campbell: "Under what circumstances?" + +Mrs. Somers, dropping her eyes: "I don't know." He makes a rush upon +her. "Oh! here comes Mrs. Curwen! Shake hands, as if you were going." + + + + +IX + +_MRS. CURWEN; MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL_ + + +Mrs. Curwen: "What! is Mr. Campbell going, _too_?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Too? _You're_ not going, Mrs. Curwen?" + +Mrs. Curwen: "Yes, I'm going. The likeness is perfect, Mrs. Somers. It's +a speaking likeness, if there ever was one." + +Campbell: "Did it do all the talking?" + +Mrs. Curwen: "It would--if Mrs. Roberts and Dr. Lawton hadn't been +there. Well, I must go." + +Campbell: "So must I." + +Mrs. Somers, in surprise: "_Must_ you?" + +Campbell: "Yes; these drifts will be over my ears directly." + +Mrs. Curwen: "You poor man! You don't mean to say you're _walking_?" + +Campbell: "I shall be, in about half a minute." + +Mrs. Curwen: "Indeed you shall not! You shall be driving--with me. I've +a vacancy in the coupe, and I'll set you down wherever you like." + +Campbell: "Won't it crowd you?" + +Mrs. Curwen: "Not at all." + +Campbell: "Or incommode you in any way?" + +Mrs. Curwen: "It will oblige me in every way." + +Campbell: "Then I will go, and a thousand thanks. Good-by again, Mrs. +Somers." + +Mrs. Curwen: "Good-by, Mrs. Somers. Poor Mrs. Somers! It seems too bad +to leave you here alone, bowed in an elegiac attitude over your +tea-urn." + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh, not at all! Remember me to _Mr._ Curwen." + +Mrs. Curwen: "I will. Well, Mr. Campbell--" + +Mrs. Somers: "Mr. Campbell--" + +Campbell: "Well?" + +Mrs. Curwen: "To which?" + +Campbell: "Both." + +Mrs. Somers: "Neither!" + +Mrs. Curwen: "Ah! ha, ha, ha! Mr. Campbell, do you know much about +women?" + +Campbell: "I had a mother." + +Mrs. Curwen: "Oh, a _mother_ won't do." + +Campbell: "Well, I have an only sister who is a woman." + +Mrs. Curwen: "A sister won't do, _either_--not your own. You can't learn +a woman's meaning in that way." + +Campbell: "I will sit at your feet, Mrs. Curwen, if you'll instruct me." + +Mrs. Curwen: "I shall be delighted. I'll begin now. Oh, you needn't +really prostrate yourself!" She stops him in a burlesque attempt to do +so. "And I'll concentrate the wisdom of the whole first lesson in a +single word." + +Campbell, with clasped hands of entreaty: "Speak, blessed ghost!" + +Mrs. Curwen: "Stay! Ah! ha, ha, ha!" She flies at Mrs. Somers and kisses +her. "You can't say I'm ill-natured, my dear, whatever I am!" + +Mrs. Somers, pursuing her exit with the word: "No, merely atrocious." A +pause ensues, in which Campbell stands irresolute. + + + + +X + +_MRS. SOMERS; MR. CAMPBELL_ + + +Campbell, finally: "Did you wish me to stay, Amy?" + +Mrs. Somers, airily: "I? Oh no! It was Mrs. Curwen." + +Campbell: "Then I think I'll accept her kind offer of a seat in her +coupe." + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh! I thought, of course, you'd stay--at _her_ request." + +Campbell: "No; I shall only stay at yours." + +Mrs. Somers: "And I shall not ask you. In fact, I warn you not to." + +Campbell: "Why?" + +Mrs. Somers: "Because, if you urge me to speak now, I shall say--" + +Campbell: "I wasn't going to urge you." + +Mrs. Somers: "No matter! I shall say it now without being urged. Yes, +I've made up my mind. I can't marry a flirt." + +Campbell: "I can, Amy." + +Mrs. Somers: "Sir!" + +Campbell: "You know very well you sent those people into the other room +to keep me here and torment me--" + +Mrs. Somers: "_Now_ you've _insulted_ me, and all _is_ over." + +Campbell: "To tantalize me with your loveliness, your beauty, your +grace, Amy!" + +Mrs. Somers, softening: "Oh, that's all very well--" + +Campbell: "I'm glad you like it. I could go on at much greater length. +But you know I love you dearly, Amy, and why should you delight in my +agonies? But only marry me, and you shall delight in them as long as you +live, and--" + +Mrs. Somers: "You must hold me very cheap to think I would take you from +that creature." + +Campbell: "Confound her! I wasn't hers to give. I offered myself first." + +Mrs. Somers: "She offered you last, and--no, thank you, please." + +Campbell: "Do you really mean it?" + +Mrs. Somers: "I shall not say. Or, yes, I _will_ say. If that woman, who +seems to have you at her beck and call, had not intermeddled, I might +have made you a very different answer. But now my eyes are opened, and I +see what I should have to expect, and--no, thank you, please." + +Campbell: "And if she hadn't offered me--" + +Mrs. Somers, drawing out her handkerchief and putting it to her eyes: "I +was feeling kindly towards you--I was such a little fool--" + +Campbell: "Amy!" + +Mrs. Somers: "And you knew how much I disliked her." + +Campbell: "Yes, I saw by the way you kissed each other." + +Mrs. Somers: "Nonsense! You knew that meant nothing. But if it had been +anybody else in the world but her, I shouldn't have minded it. And +now--" + +Campbell: "Now--" + +Mrs. Somers: "Now all those geese are coming back from the other room, +and they'll see that I've been crying, and everybody will know +everything. Willis--" + +Campbell: "_Willis?_" + +Mrs. Somers: "Let me go! I must bathe my eyes! You stay here and +receive them! I'll be back at once!" She escapes from the arms stretched +towards her, and out of the door, just before her guests enter from the +library, and Campbell remains to receive them. The ladies, in returning, +call over one another's heads and shoulders. + + + + +XI + +_MR. CAMPBELL and the OTHERS_ + + +Mrs. Roberts: "Amy, it's _lovely_! But it doesn't _half_ do you +justice." + +Young Mrs. Bemis: "It's too sweet for _anything_, Mrs. Somers." + +Mrs. Crashaw: "Why did you let the man put you into that ridiculous +seventeenth-century dress? Can't he paint a modern frock?" + +Mrs. Wharton: "But what exquisite coloring, Mrs. Somers!" + +Mrs. Miller: "He's got just your lovely turn of the head." + +Miss Bayly: "And the way you hold your fan--what character he's thrown +into it!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "And that fall of the skirt, Amy; that skirt is _full_ of +character!" She discovers Mr. Campbell behind the tea-urn. He has Mrs. +Somers's light wrap on his shoulders, and her fan in his hand, and he +alternately hides his blushes with it, and coquettishly folds it and +pats his mouth in a gross caricature of Mrs. Somers's manner. In rising +he twitches his coat forward in a similar burlesque of a lady's +management of her skirt. "Why, where is Amy, Willis?" + +Campbell: "Gone a moment. Some trouble about--the hot water." + +Lawton: "Hot water that you've been getting into? Ah, young man, look me +in the eye!" + +Campbell: "Your glass one, Doctor?" + +Young Mr. Bemis: "Why, my dear, has your father got a glass eye?" + +Mrs. Bemis: "Of _course_ he hasn't! What an idea! I don't know what Mr. +Campbell means." + +Lawton: "I've no doubt he wishes I had a glass eye--two of them, for +that matter. But that isn't answering my question. Where is Mrs. +Somers?" + +Campbell: "That was my sister's question, and I did answer it. Have some +tea, ladies? I'm glad you like my portrait, and that you think he's got +my lovely turn of the head, and the way I hold my fan, and the character +of my skirt; but I agree with you that it isn't half as pretty as I am." + +The Ladies: "Oh, what shall we do to him? Prescribe for us, Doctor." + +Campbell: "No, no! I want the Doctor's services myself. I don't want him +to give me his medicines. I want him to give me away." + +Lawton: "You're tired of giving yourself away, then?" + +Campbell: "It's of no use. They won't have me." + +Lawton: "Who won't?" + +Campbell: "Oh, I'll leave Mrs. Somers to say." + + + + +XII + +_MRS. SOMERS and the OTHERS_ + + +Mrs. Somers, radiantly reappearing: "Say what?" She has hidden the +traces of her tears from every one but the ladies by a light application +of powder, and she knows that they all know she has been crying, and +this makes her a little more smiling. "Say what?" She addresses the +company in general rather than Campbell. + +Campbell, with caricatured tenderness: "Say yes." + +Mrs. Somers: "What does he mean, Doctor?" + +Lawton: "Oh, I'm afraid he's past all surgery. I give him over to you, +Mrs. Somers." + +Campbell: "There, now. She wasn't the last to do it!" + +Mrs. Somers, with the resolution of a widow: "Well, I suppose there's +nothing else for it, then. I'll see what can be done for your patient, +Doctor." She passes her hand through Campbell's arm, where he continues +to stand behind the tea-table. + +Mrs. Roberts, falling upon her and kissing her: "Amy, you don't _mean_ +it!" + +Mrs. Bemis, embracing her in turn: "I never can believe it." + +Mrs. Crashaw: "It is ridiculous! What, Willis?" + +Mrs. Miller: "It does seem too nice to be true." + +Bemis: "You astonish us!" + +Roberts: "We never should have dreamed of it." + +Young Mr. Bemis: "You _must_ give us time to realize it." + +Mrs. Wharton: "Is it _possible_?" + +Miss Bayly: "_Is_ it possible?" They all shake hands with Mrs. Somers in +turn. + +Roberts: "Isn't this rather sudden, Willis?" + +Campbell: "Well, it is--for Mrs. Somers, perhaps. But _I've_ found it +awfully gradual." + +Mrs. Somers: "Nonsense! It's an old story for both of us." + +Campbell: "Well, what I like about it is, it's _true_. Founded on fact!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Really? I _can't_ believe it!" + +Campbell: "Well, I don't know whom all this charming incredulity's +intended to flatter, but if it's I, I say no, _not_ really, at all! It's +merely a little _coup de theatre_ we've been arranging." + +Lawton, patting him on the shoulder: "One ahead, as usual." + +Mrs. Somers: "Oh, thank you, Doctor! There are two of us ahead now." + +Lawton: "_I_ believe you, at any rate. Bravo!" He initiates an applause +in which all the rest join, while Campbell catches up Mrs. Somers's fan +and unfurls it before both their faces. + + +THE END + + + + +Harper's "Black and White" Series. + +Illustrated. 32mo, Cloth, 50 cents each. + + +_LATEST ISSUES:_ + + FIVE O'CLOCK TEA. Farce. By W. D. Howells. + + THE MOUSE-TRAP. Farce. By W. D. Howells. + + A LIKELY STORY. Farce. By W. D. Howells. + + THIS PICTURE AND THAT. A Comedy. By Brander Matthews. + + TRAVELS IN AMERICA 100 YEARS AGO. By Thomas Twining. + + MY YEAR IN A LOG CABIN. By William Dean Howells. + + EVENING DRESS. A Farce. By William Dean Howells. + + THE WORK OF WASHINGTON IRVING. By Charles Dudley Warner. + + EDWIN BOOTH. By Laurence Hutton. + + PHILLIPS BROOKS. By Rev. Arthur Brooks, D.D. + + THE DECISION OF THE COURT. A Comedy, By Brander Matthews. + + GEORGE WILLIAM CURTIS. By John White Chadwick. + + THE UNEXPECTED GUESTS. A Farce. 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