45 files changed, 7023 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/27440-8.txt b/27440-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2b7a02d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2284 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 16, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 16, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 7, 2008  [eBook #27440]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 27440-h.htm or 27440-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h/27440-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 147
+
+SEPTEMBER 16, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Our future lies upon the water," once boasted the KAISER. "And our
+present lies in it," as the German soldier remarked when the Belgians
+opened the dykes near Antwerp.
+
+       * * *
+
+The mass of the German people would seem to be extraordinarily
+ill-informed in regard to the War and to stand sadly in need of
+enlightenment in some respects. For example, their ebullitions of rage
+against everyone and everything English shows that they are ignorant of
+the fact that we are a decadent nation and a negligible quantity in the
+War.
+
+       * * *
+
+Many of the little scraps in which the Germans were reported by their
+Press to have been victorious now turn out to have been merely scraps of
+paper.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to _The Times_ one of the first acts of the new Pope will be
+to urge the Powers at war to desist from hostilities in the interests of
+humanity. It is rumoured that Austria-Hungary thinks this a capital
+idea.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our readers will, we are sure, be sorry to hear that the lady who, as
+reported in our pages the week before last, in the course of a
+difference with her husband, called him "a bloomin' Oolan," has once
+again had words with him. This time, the husband complains, she shouted
+after him, "You 'Un!"
+
+       * * *
+
+An appeal has been made for magazines for the men at the front. The
+following extract from a letter touches on the subject:--"On Wednesday
+heavy German cavalry charged us with drawn sabres, and we only had a
+minute to prepare to receive them. We left our entrenchments and,
+rallying in groups, emptied our magazines into them as they drew near."
+
+       * * *
+
+We regret to hear that, owing to so many persons failing to go out of
+Town this year, there is considerable distress among London burglars.
+The oldest among them do not remember a duller season.
+
+       * * *
+
+A dear old lady writes to say that she is delighted to hear that the
+Crystal Palace has been taken over by the Admiralty, as she loves the
+place, and it is _so_ brittle.
+
+       * * *
+
+Another dear old thing suggests that, in order to facilitate the work of
+the police, all spies should be compelled to wear a distinctive dress.
+
+       * * *
+
+With the object of benefiting the local branch of the National Relief
+Fund there has been published at Brighton the first number of a paper
+called _The Ally_. Our contemporary, _Ally Sloper_, has generously
+decided in the circumstances to take no proceedings with a view to
+protecting its title.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Why," asks a lady, "should not waitresses take the place of the German
+waiters whose services are now being dispensed with?" Possibly we may be
+wrong, but we seem to remember once having seen an announcement on the
+placard of a feminist journal to the effect that:--
+
+    WOMEN
+    CAN NOT
+    WAIT.
+
+       * * *
+
+Lord ROSEBERY, speaking the other day at Broxburn, said that defeat for
+us would not mean foreign tax-gatherers in the country. We are glad of
+this. It would be deplorable if the tax-gatherer were ever to become an
+unpopular figure with us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE HUNTER HUNTED.
+
+[With acknowledgments to Mr. J. C. DOLLMAN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Fog of War.
+
+    "A final shell struck the Laurel amidship, enveloping her in a dense
+    certainohtstl thesemac recsmscvtm mecevsccvc."
+
+    _Glasgow Citizen._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHALLENGE.
+
+"Arthur," I said, "you are not handsome, but you have sterling qualities
+and know a thing or two."
+
+"You are not exactly a mezzotint yourself," Arthur retorted, "and I'm
+not sure that you have any particular qualities yet. What does this lead
+up to?"
+
+"This," I said. "Suppose you are a sentry, outside barracks or an
+encampment of some kind."
+
+"I'm supposing," he said.
+
+"And suppose," I went on, "you don't know me."
+
+"I've supposed worse things than that," said Arthur with decision.
+
+"And try further," I said, "to imagine that it's a dark night, and I
+come along and don't notice you. You'd say, 'Halt, who goes there?'
+wouldn't you?"
+
+"I should if I remembered my lines, I suppose."
+
+"Very well," I said. "Then I should say, 'Friend.'"
+
+"Well," said Arthur, "where's the catch?"
+
+"There isn't a catch," I said. "What I want to know is, how do we go on
+after that?"
+
+"I should ask you if you'd got such a thing as a cigarette about you,"
+said Arthur.
+
+"You might do that," I said, "but it doesn't sound helpful. The reason I
+ask is because I've read the instructions several times in the papers on
+the courtesies to be observed when meeting a sentry; but the scene
+always ends at this point--'Friend.' What happens next?"
+
+"Perhaps the right thing," said Arthur, "would be for you to ask after
+the Colonel's wife. But I might not let you get as far as that. The odds
+would be in favour of my not believing you when you said 'Friend,' and
+in that case I should either shoot or pink you. The choice between these
+two processes would lie with me."
+
+"But wouldn't that be rather sudden? Surely you make another remark
+first. I seem to remember something about 'sign and countersign.'"
+
+"You're thinking of trigonometry, aren't you?" said Arthur.
+
+"Perhaps I am," I said. "Anyway it's awkward not knowing what happens
+next."
+
+"I know the best way to find out," said Arthur suddenly. "Get your boots
+on. We'll go and enlist."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.
+
+As I have taken occasion to tell them from time to time, God is sparing
+no effort in favour of My brave armies. The noble courage with which
+they have crushed a defenceless peasantry (who, by the way, do not seem
+to share My recognition of the Deity's support of Our methods) has
+proved them to be the authorised medium of the Divine vengeance. I am
+very pleased with both them and God.
+
+The destruction of Louvain, seat of a culture wholly distinct from the
+Prussian ideal, was an inspiration, in which I once more detect the Hand
+of Heaven. Unfortunately it has been misunderstood in neutral countries;
+and, to appease their protests, I have had to explain that this feat of
+righteous wrath has given me an attack of bleeding heart.
+
+I am despatching an Imperial telegram to the President of the Oxford
+University Boat Club to say that when My armies reach that city I may
+possibly spare Oriel for the sake of My Rhodes Scholars. This generous
+thought occurred to Me in church when I was returning thanks for the
+demolition of the library of Louvain.
+
+I have also instructed My intrepid aviators to reserve a pew for Me
+intact among the ruins of Notre Dame de Paris--for thanksgiving
+purposes.
+
+I have repeatedly warned NICHOLAS that God is against him. It is like
+his impious self-assurance to imagine that One whose services I have
+exclusively secured for My side could for a moment entertain the idea of
+supporting My enemies. I confess, however, that I had expected
+FRANZ-JOSEF, as My ally, to receive a larger portion of the Deity's
+favour than has so far fallen to him. From what I hear of the Lemberg
+affair, it looks as if his independent arrangements for Divine support
+had been inadequate. I am afraid I must leave him to get on without it
+as best he can. I shall want all I've got for my own use.
+
+I see that a new Pope has been elected at Rome. At any ordinary moment
+this world-event must have attracted the attention of Heaven. But the
+present attitude of Italy towards the Triple Alliance naturally
+precludes any Divine cognisance of her concerns. On the other hand I
+have Myself thought it expedient to address congratulations to the
+Italian who now occupies the Pontifical Chair, and have ordered the fact
+to receive due publicity as part of My subsidised Press campaign.
+
+In order that the organisers of this campaign may the better persuade
+neutral countries to accept My version of the justice of Our cause, I
+have given directions for them to appeal throughout to the God of Truth.
+We were, as usual, first in the field, and the Father of Lies has a lot
+of ground to make up.
+
+My dear son WILHELM tells Me that his own army has a tough proposition
+in front of it. I sometimes fear that he lacks the unquestioning piety
+of his Imperial Parent.
+
+I note that services are still permitted to be held in the English
+church at Dresden, but that no prayers for the success of British arms
+are allowed. In view of My monopoly of Divine protection I regard this
+precaution as unnecessary.
+
+Some blundering operator in Berlin has circulated the ridiculous report
+of a disaster to My army in France. I have ordered the fear of God to be
+put into him.
+
+Even I cannot be in two places at once, and I am too busy in exchanging
+felicitations with My Creator in the background of Our western sphere of
+operations to be able to give My benediction in person to the brave
+defenders of My beloved Prussia. My lack of the gift of omnipresence has
+always been rather a sore point with Me in My otherwise co-equal
+relations with the Almighty. I hope in course of time to have this
+corrected.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NOAH'S ARK;
+
+OR, A WORD TO THE CHILDREN OF ENGLAND ON THE IMPORTANCE OF SEA-POWER.
+
+[_As a part of our campaign to capture Germany's trade, it has been
+suggested that Noah's Arks should in future be made in this country._]
+
+  Remove yon odious concern
+   That once outrode the mimic storm,
+  And deep in darkest shelves intern
+   Her captain and his pirate swarm:
+     Sweep, sweep, that _Dreadnought_ from the seas
+     Of England's carpets, if you please,
+     And set no more by two and two
+     On Sabbath days her bestial crew,
+  That mask with peace the Prussian uniform.
+
+  I seem to see the War-Lord's lace
+    Bedeck that bosom mild and stout;
+  Athwart yon patriarchal face
+    The Kaiser-like moustaches sprout;
+      The wideawake becomes a helm,
+      The staff a sword to overwhelm,
+      Hypocrisy stands writ and cant
+      On yonder pale-blue elephant
+  Tusk-less (Maud did it when Mamma was out).
+
+  What makes he with a lilac dove
+    This Corsair desperate and daft?
+  Behold the conning tower above
+    The big stern chasers pointing aft!
+      This is not he that saved mankind
+      With pards and pigs from tempests blind,
+      But rather he that forged a flood,
+      And not of water but of blood,
+  And filled with worse than wolves his impious craft.
+
+  But come, we'll build a larger boat
+    Of English breed, no Teuton shams,
+  Where sheltered animals shall float,
+    The lion couchant with the lambs:
+      See from the cabin's open door
+      What mild-faced dromedaries pour!
+      What SHEMS are these? what host arrives
+      Of gentler JAPHETS with their wives?
+  What antelopes? what un-Westphalian HAMS?
+
+  And sometimes, should the pageant cloy,
+    Supposing Nurse has left the room,
+  We'll take again that outcast toy
+    From the deep cupboard's inmost gloom;
+      We'll shell that buccaneering barque
+      With the good guns of England's ark;
+      We'll chase it flying like a rat
+      For some fort-guarded Ararat,
+  And leave it flotsam for Jemima's broom.
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Peace: Old and New Style.
+
+Now that the Allies have all agreed not to make separate peaces, we can
+look forward to the War stopping all at once, and not just a bit at a
+time, though of course the calendar of the Russians will allow them the
+option of keeping at it for twelve days after the others have finished.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "GLORIOUS COMPEAGNE.--For ever memorable in the annals of the
+  country will be the name of Compeigne."--_News of the World._
+
+
+Nor shall Compi�gne, we hope, be utterly forgotten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: MADE IN GERMANY.
+
+KAISER. "I'M NOT QUITE SATISFIED WITH THE SWORD. PERHAPS, AFTER ALL, THE
+PEN IS MIGHTIER!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Belated Reveller._ "YOU A SPESHUL CONSHTABLE?"
+
+_Special Constable._ "YES." (_Long pause._)
+
+_B. R._ "WHAT ARMS 'AVE YER?"
+
+_S. C._ "A TRUNCHEON AND A WHISTLE, AND (_suddenly inventive, in view of
+reveller's superior physique_) A SIX-SHOOTER."
+
+_B. R._ "AH, WELL, I'M NOT TAKIN' ANY FORTRESHES TO-NIGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISPOSITIONS.
+
+My wife was certainly ruffled, and, more than that, she was mystified.
+She could not understand it at all.
+
+"And this is the second time," she said.
+
+"Have you questioned the servants?" I asked.
+
+"It is not likely that my servants would amuse themselves by throwing
+lumps of coal on the drawing-room carpet," she replied, "not being
+lunatics. But as a matter of fact I have questioned them."
+
+"It is the sort of thing a playful kitten might do," I suggested. "Or a
+puppy perhaps."
+
+"No, they couldn't have lifted the tongs, and the tongs were in it too,
+and three walking-sticks. It must have been children, I suppose; but I
+don't think there have been any children in the house."
+
+I found her the same afternoon studying some scratched hieroglyphics on
+the gravel in front of the house. It was quite an elaborate design with
+squares and circles and curving lines, and with a wobbly streak running
+through it. And that evening she announced once and for all that the
+house was bewitched and she gave it up. She had found a loofah, two
+sponges and some cakes of soap elaborately arranged in a pattern on the
+bathroom floor.
+
+She had not yet gathered, as I had, that it was Sinclair and the
+Reverend Henry. I do not think that these two can have been properly
+trained in their youth to put away their toys when they had finished
+with them, as all tidy children should. They had no right to go out
+suddenly and play tennis, leaving the drawing-room carpet in that
+condition.
+
+I had seen it coming on for some days. As soon as Henry has spent his
+first half-hour on the newspapers he is ripe to explain in detail the
+exact disposition of the Allied forces and "what they are evidently
+driving at." And the thing is getting very complicated. He cannot make
+you understand. He tries to draw maps on the back of envelopes, but his
+drawing is pitiable, and then naturally he reaches out at any object
+that happens to be lying on the table, planks it down for Paris or
+Verdun, and gets seriously to work. He and Sinclair were sitting before
+the unlit fire in the drawing-room when Sinclair put forth his brilliant
+hypothesis about a flanking movement on VON KL�CK'S right. Henry was
+quite certain it was wrong. He was down on his knees in a moment
+grabbing pieces of coal.
+
+"Look here," he said. "There's Ch�lons; and that shovel is Soissons. You
+must not forget that the Ardennes lie in behind here"--realistically
+represented by a heap of logs from the wood-basket--"and that is the
+Meuse. Of course it isn't quite so straight as that really"--he put the
+poker in position--"but that is the line of it. Very well. Can't you see
+that what he is at is to nip this force here between two fires? By Jove,
+the tongs will do splendidly for that. Might have been made for it. So.
+Well, if JOFFRE is any good--Stop a bit"--he filled both hands with
+coal--"move your chair back. There, that's Paris, and the edge of the
+fender is the Marne. Well, if JOFFRE is not asleep his game is
+obviously----"
+
+"Stop a bit," said Sinclair. "You've left out the CROWN PRINCE."
+
+"No, I haven't. That's him there in the work-basket. And you must
+remember that there are Uhlans all over the place." (I think that it
+must have been the Uhlans that chiefly exacerbated my wife when she came
+to clear up. They did reach pretty far afield, and there was quite a lot
+of them under the sofa.) "This is the Allied front"--Sinclair had
+brought him several walking-sticks by this time. "Now suppose we were to
+swing round like this--I say, do move your chair. Like this. Confound
+it, I didn't notice that little table was in the way. Why do people put
+silly little vases of flowers on tables? Mop it up, will you? Of course
+FRENCH is here. You must keep your eye on FRENCH. But----"
+
+"What about these lines of communication?"
+
+Henry paused. "Well, there's always the Belgians. I'm afraid we'll have
+to move the piano. Just give it a heave at the other end, will you?
+That'll do. Those pianola records are just the thing. No, not so near
+together. So. Now you see how it works. The whole thing from here to
+here moves sideways."
+
+"Stop a bit," says Sinclair. "You're moving Paris sideways. Whatever
+they may do to it when it falls--if it ever does--I don't think they'll
+move it sideways."
+
+Now that the Reverend Henry is no longer permitted to play with coals in
+the drawing-room or make maps on the gravel he has found an outlet on
+the breakfast-table. But he is not allowed to start till after the meal
+is over, ever since he got down early one morning and had the whole
+place laid out in army corps and fortresses, with a horrid tangle of
+knives and forks, cruet-stands, rolls, egg-cups, plates and coffee-pots,
+at the point where the main action was going on in the centre.
+
+But he is not at all satisfied with the breakfast-table. He has to crowd
+things terribly close together at one end in order to have room for the
+Eastern theatre; and Posen (a toast-rack) keeps falling off the edge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Kirkintilloch Herald_ describes the manoeuvres of a submarine
+thus:--
+
+    "Without its presence being detected, it approached within a few
+    hundred yards of a German Dreadnought, at which it discharged two
+    torpedoes. In order to escape attack the submarine was then obliged
+    to sing."
+
+Suggested song: "Get out and Get under."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We will overhaul the chassis ... if you let us undertake the work
+    now. The War will probably be over by the time the Car is ready for
+    use."--_Advt._
+
+We cannot decide whether this is an example of Commercial pessimism or
+Military optimism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "MRS. SMITHERS, IF YOU ARE UNPATRIOTIC ENOUGH TO HOARD
+YOUR FOODSTUFF, THAT IS A MATTER FOR YOUR OWN CONSCIENCE; BUT PLEASE
+REMEMBER IN FUTURE NOT TO GIVE ME A HOARDED EGG FOR BREAKFAST."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PACIFICIST.
+
+The Pacificist was very worried about it all. In the first place it
+worried him (quite honestly) that his country should ever go to war at
+all. In the second place it vexed him profoundly that the war should be
+against an enemy whose pure-souled benevolence he himself had proclaimed
+and written about for years. Most of all, perhaps, was he secretly
+irritated that these untoward events should coincide with the beginning
+of his own annual holiday at Shrimpborough.
+
+A few mornings after war was declared, the conductor of the
+Shrimpborough orchestra (a genius of cosmopolitan extraction) rose nobly
+to the occasion. From his demeanour and a certain flurry amongst the
+musicians, the Pacificist, seated prominently in the two-penny chairs,
+had about three minutes' warning of what was coming, so that when the
+conductor swung round with uplifted baton, and the audience, thrilled
+but a little self-conscious, climbed to its collective feet as the band
+crashed into the opening bars of the _Marseillaise_, the Pacificist had
+already decided upon his conduct. He sat still, even for a few moments
+he feigned to be absorbed in his favourite newspaper, but almost
+immediately gave this up as unconvincing and remained staring straight
+before him.
+
+It was perhaps not a very impressive protest. It was obviously, under
+the special circumstances of the case (which need not detain us), an
+entirely foolish and mistaken one. But he made it. He alone in that
+audience of several hundreds did not rise. A little to his secret
+disappointment the hundreds made no apparent counter-demonstration. An
+enthusiastic humming rose from them, mingled with a few easy French
+words happily introduced when occasion seemed to serve. They were far
+too preoccupied to trouble about the Pacificist. He had been prepared
+for every kind of martyrdom, for abuse, hustling, even for blows. All he
+got was a few looks of embarrassed concern from his immediate
+neighbours.
+
+To his excited imagination the tune seemed to go on and on for hours. As
+a matter of fact the genius of cosmopolitan extraction (who had not been
+extracted quite far enough to be sure of British tastes) gave the
+audience four verses where one would have been better. And all this time
+the anger of the Pacificist grew. His cheeks burned, and the excited
+pounding of his heart was like to stifle him. He knew himself one,
+alone, against hundreds; impressing them, no doubt (despite their
+pretence of indifference), with the courage of a right cause. To face
+odds like that! It was intoxicating.
+
+At last he could bear it no longer. Just as the band ceased and the rest
+of the audience subsided again to their morning papers, the Pacificist
+rose. He walked a little unsteadily. The light of battle flashed from
+his eyes, meeting and beating down what he took, erroneously, to be the
+glare of a hostile mob. (As a matter of fact no one noticed him any
+more). Stumbling, white-faced, with set lips and the face of a
+visionary, he gained the turnstile. This, this, was victory! One against
+so many! He had proved himself. He had conquered!
+
+The battle-spirit--for, despite his honest conviction, his forebears had
+been soldiers and sea-dogs--surged up within him. How splendid it was,
+this fighting down opposition! What was life, after all, but a fight? He
+had never realized that before. But now he knew. The flame that burnt in
+his blood demanded other foes, other worlds to conquer. It had become an
+urgent need with him to continue fighting; almost anyone would do.
+
+Immediately opposite to the turnstile was the open door of a large
+building; flags surmounted it, and at each side was a large proclamation
+in red and white. With shoulders squared, flashing eye, and the
+demeanour of NAPOLEON at the head of the Old Guard, the Pacificist
+entered the recruiting office. "I have come," he said fiercely, "to
+enlist!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUPER-SYMPATHY.
+
+  "The crumbling towers, the shattered fanes,
+  The havoc of the Belgian plains;
+  Dead mothers, children, priests and nuns,
+  Who fall before My conquering Huns--
+  Believe Me, friends, these grievous woes
+  Deprive Me of My due repose,
+  And, though enforced by higher need,
+  Make My Imperial bosom bleed."
+
+  As the fat spider wipes its eye
+  Over each strangulated fly;
+  As ABDUL HAMID once was fain
+  To weep for the Armenian slain;
+  As HAYNAU felt his eyelids drip
+  When women cowered beneath his whip;
+  As TORQUEMADA doubtless bled
+  With sorrow for the tortured dead--
+  So in his own peculiar style
+  Weeps the Imperial Crocodile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IMPERIAL PRUSSIAN COLLEGE OF CULTURE.
+
+    _Telegrams_: "Kultur, Berlin."
+
+    _Principal_ Dr. von Hackheim, assisted by a large staff of
+    University Professors.
+
+Brutality is acknowledged by the most distinguished Teutonic
+psychologists to have an important place in modern warfare, as serving
+to maintain a properly submissive attitude on the part of the unarmed
+enemy, and the College has been established to complete this side in the
+training of cadets for the Imperial German field army.
+
+TRAINING BY GRAMOPHONE.
+
+Many difficulties have had to be surmounted. For instance it was found
+that, in spite of training students, proceeding to the front showed
+hesitation in the execution of non-combatants, and grew pale on first
+hearing the cries of women and children. This difficulty is being
+obviated by means of gramophone records taken in Belgium, which serve to
+inure the novice to the sounds of anguish. By the time he proceeds to
+the front no cries for mercy have any power to move him.
+
+LITER� INHUMANIORES.
+
+The curriculum is extensive. In addition to regular musketry practice at
+moving and stationary Red Cross waggons, hospital bomb drill, etc.,
+courses of lectures are being given by thinkers of the first eminence.
+Some of the most celebrated names on the contemporary record of German
+culture are to be found in our staff list. During the coming term, for
+instance, Dr. Junker, of the BERNHARDI School of Philosophy, will give a
+series of discourses on "The Evolution of the Doctrine of Blood and
+Iron," "Infantile Mortality and its Promotion," "Philosophic Doubts
+regarding the Value of Mercy," illustrated by photographs taken in
+Louvain; and a course of lectures on "The Debt of Art to Atrocity" will
+be delivered by Professor Blutwurst, who occupies the ATTILA Chair of
+Anatomy in the University of Leipzig.
+
+RECREATION.
+
+The proper recreation of students is not neglected and sports are
+encouraged. Paper chases are held frequently, the paper torn up for the
+trail being provided by the courtesy of the Foreign Office, who supply
+the College with all treaties found upon their shelves.
+
+RECORDS IN BRUTALITY.
+
+The Principal desires it to be known that he will always be glad to hear
+from past students now serving with the Imperial Forces who have
+performed any notable act of inhumanity towards non-combatants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Teutonic Barber._ "SHAFE, SIR?"
+
+_Customer._ "YE-ES---- THAT IS, NO!---- I THINK I'LL TRY A HAIR-CUT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OUTPOST.
+
+  The lurid sunset's slanting rays
+    Incarnadine the soldier's deed;
+  His rugged countenance betrays
+    The bulldog breed.
+
+  Not his to shun the stubborn fight,
+    The combat against heavy odds,
+  Alone, unaided--'tis a sight
+    For men and gods!
+
+  And now his back is bowed and bent,
+    Now crouching, now erect, he stands,
+  And now the red life blood is sprent
+    From both his hands.
+
+  He takes his punishment on trust,
+    As one who sees and yet is blind,
+  For every lacerating thrust
+    Comes from behind.
+
+  The twilight creeps, the sun has gone,
+    But triumph fills the soldier's breast;
+  He's sewn his back brace-buttons on
+    While fully dressed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JAMES FEELS BETTER.
+
+THE Sergeant-Major was speaking.
+
+"Company--'SHUN!"
+
+We 'shunned. We stood motionless (all but one of us) waiting for his
+next words. Then he spoke again.
+
+"Blank blanket," he yelled, "what the blank are you doing?" He was
+looking at me, and my heart was in my mouth. "Blanket," he went on, "if
+you want to scratch your nose, step out here and scratch it. My blank!"
+My heart dropped back again. He must be talking to James behind me. I
+longed to look round and watch the generous waves of colour stealing
+over James's classic features, to fix with a reproachful eye that Roman
+proboscis which he had been grooming; but duty, or natural integrity of
+character, or fear of the Sergeant-Major, or something, held me fast.
+
+"Company--dis-MISS!"
+
+We turned to the right and I took James affectionately by the arm.
+"How's the neb?" I said.
+
+And then James told me what he thought of the Sergeant-Major.
+
+"Pretty good rot," he said, "talking like that to a man in my position.
+Cursing a married man with a family as if he were a rotten schoolboy. If
+I met him in ordinary life he'd say 'Sir' to me--probably ask me for a
+job, and go about in a holy fear that I was going to sack him."
+
+"Discipline, James," I said. "Think how good it is for you to be ordered
+about for a change. And think how jolly it must be for the
+Sergeant-Major to swear at well-known public men. Don't grudge him his
+little bit of pleasure. And finally, think how stimulating it is for the
+rest of us. I assure you, James, there's nothing more bracing to a man
+than to hear another man being cursed."
+
+James muttered to himself. We lit our pipes and sat down among some
+other members of our platoon. James was silent, but we others talked
+eagerly about the difference between "Right form" and "On the right form
+company," and other matters which had suddenly become of great
+importance.
+
+"Let's go and have a little private drill," said one of the keen ones.
+
+"It'll only turn into a rag," I said.
+
+"But of course we shall have to agree to take it seriously and obey
+orders. Who'll come?"
+
+About ten of us offered ourselves. I looked at James; to my surprise he
+jumped up quickly. We went off to a corner of the field, and lined up
+two deep.
+
+"And now who'll drill us?" said James.
+
+We all hung back nervously. To obey an order as one of ten is so much
+easier than to give an order as one of one.
+
+"I will, if you like," said James doubtfully, "but I'm not sure if----"
+
+"Go on," we all said; "have a try."
+
+James stepped out of the ranks and faced us.
+
+"Cover off, there," he said briskly. "Squad--_'shun_!" We were five
+files, and I was No. 3 in the front rank. "Stand at--_ease_ ... Number
+Three, what the blank are you smoking for? Number Three--the stout one
+in the front rank. Put that pipe away, Private Haldane. Blanket, Sir,
+this isn't a Cabinet meeting; you're drilling."
+
+"Steady, James, old man," I said.
+
+"Silence in the ranks! Two days cells for Private Haldane--both of them
+week-days. 'Shun! Number!... Form _fours_!"
+
+We formed fours. Of course it is absurdly easy, even with an odd number
+of files, but it is also absurdly easy to forget.
+
+"As you were!" shouted James. "The last file is always an even number.
+Surely you ought to know that by this time, Private Kitchener. The
+fourth file--Private Asquith and Private Tree, chest out, Private
+Tree--the fourth file stands fast. 'Form _fours_! Right _turn_! Form two
+_deep_! 'Bout _turn_! Form _fours_! I thought so; Private Tree is wrong
+again. _Silence_, Private Haldane! Private Haldane will be shot at dawn
+to-morrow. Private Tree will be shot at dawn on the day after, this
+giving him time to prepare his farewell speech. Right _turn_! Where
+_are_ you, Private Carson? Try and remember that you're not reviewing
+troops just now; you're attempting to decide as quickly as possible
+which is your right hand and which is your left. You'll find it a much
+harder job. The Army Corps will advance. By the right, quick _march_!
+Step out, Private Tich, my lad, step out."
+
+James was now thoroughly enjoying himself.
+
+"Left _incline_! Theirs not to reason why, Private Kipling; if I had
+meant 'right incline, and stop at the canteen,' I should have said
+so.... Tut-tut, Private Tree, 'left incline' doesn't mean 'advance like
+a crab'.... Right _incline_! And now where are you, Private Masterman?
+Left behind _again_. Halt! Dress up by the right. Blanket, Private
+Haldane, you're _still_ talking. Private Haldane will be blown from the
+guns at dusk. As you were. It's no good taking half measures with
+Private Haldane; kindness is wasted on him. Private Haldane will be
+stopped jam for tea this afternoon."
+
+And then a smile came over James's face. He repressed it, drew himself
+up, and surveyed us sternly.
+
+"Squad, _'shun_! Scratch--_noses_!"
+
+       * * *
+
+"Thank you, I feel much better," said James.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCOVERERS' RIGHTS.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Unless the blackberrying season is to be utterly ruined
+and thousands of homes thus rendered poisonously unhappy, something must
+be done to make people play the game.
+
+Why is it that this simple little fruit should have such a bad influence
+on otherwise nice persons? But it has. It makes them utterly selfish and
+inconsiderate.
+
+Take our experience last week on the Common. We went out with
+baskets--three of us--Elsa, Dolores, and me, and, after hunting about
+for some time and getting fearfully scratched, we came upon a perfectly
+priceless group of bushes which no one had discovered.
+
+The blackberries were there in millions, ripe too, and all sparkling in
+that patent-leather way which makes the mouth water and prevents as many
+getting into the basket as ought to. We were of course fearfully bucked
+by finding such a spot, and began at once in earnest. Judge then of our
+dismay when another party of blackberriers, attracted, I imagine, by our
+cries of rapture, came up and began picking too! These were the two
+Misses Blank, whom we know very slightly. They ought, of course, to have
+gone right away and done their own discovering. Instead of that they
+just nodded, and then snatched away at our bushes as though they were in
+their own garden. One of them even came up to a bush on which Elsa was
+engaged. What was she to do? She could not remonstrate, as we knew them
+so slightly, so she abandoned the bush with a gesture of contempt which
+should have made a dummy blush, but had no effect whatever on these
+thick-skinned Prussians, as we now believe they must be. Probably their
+real name is Fressen, Elsa thinks.
+
+Common decency (I don't mean this for a joke, but I suppose it is one)
+should prevent anybody from going to a place discovered by somebody
+else; and why I write is to ask you if there is not an unwritten law
+against such conduct, and if so will you make it widely known?
+
+It would be dreadful if all the blackberrying parties during this
+September and October were to be ruined by people like the Misses
+Fressen.
+
+    I am,    Yours faithfully,
+    FAIR PLAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BY REQUEST.
+
+_Visitor (to Percy of "The Mauve Merriments.")_ "WHAT WOULD YOU CHARGE
+TO SING 'IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY' INTO AUNTIE'S EAR-TRUMPET?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT CAMPAIGN.
+
+The formal declaration of war (altogether unexpected by the best minds
+of the community, though the opposing armies had been mobilised for a
+month previously), came like a bolt from the blue on September 1st. In
+an instant the whole country was engaged in sanguinary conflict. We give
+with reserve the following reports which have reached us from our
+correspondents at the front:--
+
+CIVILIANS IN THE BATTLE LINE.
+
+On the north-eastern frontier a keen encounter occurred between the
+famous Albion South End Corps and an invading division of the
+redoubtable Cockspur troops. Fifteen thousand spectators from posts of
+vantage round the field witnessed the fearful onslaught of the enemy.
+Civilians were so moved by the imminent peril of the home troops that,
+arming themselves with stones and bottles, and shouting "----" (excised
+by Censor), they flung themselves on the wings of the invading army and
+utterly routed them. It is rumoured that the Cockspurs contemplate
+reprisals. In the event of the South End Corps invading their country it
+is believed that all civilians will fight to the death against the
+invader.
+
+THE OLD BRITISH SPIRIT.
+
+Thrilling scenes were witnessed at the opening of the Ealham Thursday
+campaign. A huge crowd, thirsting for a sight of the conflict, gathered
+in the confines of the battlefield. A force of blue-clad mercenaries
+held them in check for a time. But thirty thousand volunteers are worth
+more than a hundred paid men. With magnificent unanimity the Britons
+formed in column. The dense black mass pressed forward. For a moment the
+conflict was fearful. Then the thin blue line of the mercenaries gave
+way and they fled in disgraceful rout. A moment later thirty thousand
+unconquerable Britons, laden with booty from the pay-boxes, stood
+triumphant on the shilling reserved mound. That wonderful charge had
+captured the position.
+
+OUTRAGES ON NON-COMBATANTS.
+
+We record with deep regret a violation of the laws of war by the General
+of the Shatterham Wanderers army. In the heat of the combat with the
+Notts Strollers brigade he ignored the whistled appeal for an armistice
+to pick up the wounded. Proceeding steadily he fired a deadly shot into
+the enemy's fortifications. A neutral officer, under the protection of
+the Red Cross, courageously protested against this infamy. In an excess
+of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. It
+is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to
+a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly
+declared outside the pale of humanity. (NOTE.--The Censor allows the
+foregoing account to be printed but disclaims all responsibility for its
+correctness.)
+
+BRILLIANT RECRUITING CAMPAIGN.
+
+Great weakness has been observed amongst the advanced sharpshooters of
+the Bullington Arsenal corps. "We must have men at any cost," said their
+determined Secretary. A cheering crowd attended him to the station as he
+set out for ---- (excision by the Censor), accompanied by two
+commissionaires bearing armoured bags of bullion. A rumour reaches us
+that at the cost of four thousand pounds the Secretary has secured two
+famous shots. Great anxiety is felt in Bullington. Crowds gather round
+the headquarters of the corps and ask, "Will they come in time?"
+
+LATER.--A wire from Scotland confirms the news. The Union Jack is flying
+over the headquarters. It is felt that the great recruiting campaign has
+saved Britain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "HELLO, MARIA! STOPPED SEWING FOR TO-DAY?"
+
+"YES, SAMPSON. I THINK THERE IS MORE NEED OF MEN THAN OF PYJAMAS. I HAVE
+DECIDED TO PART WITH YOU, AND SHALL GIVE YOU TO LORD KITCHENER--MYSELF!
+GET YOUR HAT ON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIRPITZ TOUCH.
+
+(_A new nautical ballad._)
+
+  They faced the winds, the waves, the fogs,
+    For they were a gallant band,
+  And they ventured forth, the bold sea dogs,
+    From the bight of Heligoland.
+
+  Six ships of war they steamed along,
+    Audacious and yet discreet,
+  When lo! on the skyline, fifteen strong,
+    They sighted another fleet.
+
+  Oh! theirs was indeed a perilous choice,
+    'Twas a case of fight or flee,
+  When the captain cried in a resolute voice,
+    "Let us fight, my lads," cried he.
+
+  "Long have we panted to come to grips,
+    And here we shall gain our wish;
+  Moreover, I fancy that yonder ships
+    Have nothing on board but fish."
+
+  Then up spake a grizzled _Goeben_ lad,
+    "We be far from land or fort;
+  I should feel more safe if I knew we had
+    A battleship in support."
+
+  "There be six of us, and fifteen of them;
+    Have a care while the odds are thus;
+  We may rake 'em with shell from stern to stem,
+    But they might throw herrings at us."
+
+  The captain he said, "Take heart of grace;
+    There's many a risk to run;
+  A herring's an awkward thing to face,
+    But it's not so bad as a gun."
+
+  "My mariners all, be not afraid
+    To venture on bold designs;
+  Remember ye come of the stock that made
+    The North Sea stiff with mines."
+
+  "So clear the decks for a scrap, my braves,
+    Since fight ye must and shall,
+  Like sons of the men who rule the waves,
+    The waves of the Kiel Canal."
+
+  So all that day they fought and drank
+    Of the battle's fierce delight,
+  And blazed and blazed away till they sank
+    Those trawling boats ere night.
+
+  Then they steamed away, Yeo ho! Yeo ho!
+    Brave men who had gained their wish,
+  With lots of captives of war in tow,
+    And any amount of fish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Distinction.
+
+    "The members of the Cheltenham Club do not play on Sundays; the
+    ladies and gentlemen of the Cotswold Hills Club do play on the
+    Sabbath."--_The Homefinder._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: HAIL! RUSSIA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE LAST OF THE NUTS OF SANDY COVE;
+
+OR, HOW TO MAKE USE OF OUR STAY-AT-HOMES.
+
+_Lady in the background (also engaged in making night-wear for the
+wounded)._ "I SAY! I WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO GOOD AS TO LEND HIM TO US
+WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED WITH HIM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE RT. HON. JOHN BURNS FAILS TO RECOGNISE HIS PORTRAIT
+AS PAINTED BY A GERMAN PRESS AGENCY ARTIST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday, Sept. 9._--Parliament met again after
+brief recess. Compared with recent rushes at critical epochs, attendance
+scanty. Among absentees the SPEAKER, who has well earned the holiday
+deferred by exigencies of war.
+
+PREMIER in place at Question time. Did not stop long. Expected to make
+statement on position and prospects of Home Rule and Welsh Church Bills.
+As his magnificent speech at Guildhall testified afresh, when occasion
+arises he can say the right thing in perfect phrase. Constitutionally is
+disinclined to talk.
+
+No absolute need to make preliminary statement. Everyone knows these
+matters are settled; nor are details of settlement a secret. Prorogation
+will be decreed early next week, and, in accordance with provisions of
+Parliament Act, Home Rule Bill and Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill
+will be added to Statute Book. But an interval will elapse before they
+become operative, an opportunity to be used for final effort to arrive
+at compromise between conflicting parties.
+
+Proceedings, in the main formal, varied by reading of statement from
+VICEROY describing how chiefs and people of India are each all one in
+enthusiastic loyalty in the hour of England's need, and how lavish are
+their offers of help. Reading of Eastern story received with outbursts
+of cheering.
+
+"No one to say a good word for the Scourge of Louvain. But let us give
+the----, I mean the KAISER, his due. At a stroke he effected the
+long-time impossible feat of welding Ireland into a loyal entity
+enthusiastically ready to draw the sword in aid of its long-estranged
+Sister across the Channel. Less than a year ago India was in state of
+ominous unrest that found partial expression in attempt on life of
+VICEROY. The KAISER, secretly plotting treacherous design on a friend
+and neighbour accustomed to lavish hospitality upon him, took note of
+these things. Confidently counted them in when reckoning up his game,
+and arranging time and opportunity for opening it. And lo! when he
+stands unmasked, he finds among the trustiest wings of the Empire's Army
+those supplied by India and Ireland." Thus the MEMBER FOR SARK mused on
+his way to the Club to read the latest telegrams from the seat of war.
+
+_Business done._--Various emergency Bills advanced a stage.
+
+_Thursday._--Five weeks ago, when Declaration of War with Germany boomed
+across Europe, PREMIER asked the Commons to sanction increase of Army by
+half-a-million men. Reply enthusiastically affirmative. To-day comes
+down again and, like a young person who shall here be nameless, "asks
+for more."
+
+National response to recruitment of first batch most gratifying. Save
+60,000 men the half-million already enrolled. At present rate of
+progress another couple of days or so will see number completed.
+Meanwhile PREMIER asks for another half-million.
+
+These forthcoming, and in present mood of nation there is no doubt on
+subject, "We shall be in a position," he added, "to put something like
+1,200,000 men in the field," a sight that would make WELLINGTON, not to
+mention MARLBOROUGH, stare.
+
+With that patriotic zeal that has marked attitude of Opposition since
+war began BONAR LAW warmly supported proposal. Vote agreed to without
+debate or division.
+
+_Business done._--Having voted additional half-million men for Army,
+House adjourned till Monday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"BLUFF KING HAL."
+
+The arrangements for the production of Mr. LOUIS PARKER'S pageant-comedy
+had of course been made long before war was contemplated. The completion
+of Mr. BOURCHIER'S beard in itself points to a comparatively remote date
+for the play's inception. Certainly there is nothing very apposite in
+its theme at the present juncture; for HARRY OF ENGLAND, suffering from
+the gout, blustering into a sixth marriage, and haunted by the ghosts of
+four dead wives and the wraith of the sole survivor, is not a figure
+precisely calculated to inspire patriotic fervour. Still, the
+circumstances of the play are sufficiently national, and it should serve
+well enough as a permissible distraction for non-combatants.
+
+You need not be terrified by the complexity of the cast, which consists
+of twenty prominent characters, twenty-four in smaller type, four ghosts
+and a wraith, and a sprinkling of nameless "halberdiers, huntsmen,
+minstrels, servitors, etc." (The soldier-supers--a type not to be
+confused with the super-soldier--were a very scratch lot; and I must
+hope that this defect was due to the enlistment of the more martial
+spirits in the profession.) The history of the period is made easy for
+all intelligences, and the relations of _Katharine Parr_ with her lover,
+_Sir Thomas Seymour_, furnish a clear thread of human interest.
+
+It was pleasant to make the acquaintance of two future Queens--_Mary_
+and _Elizabeth_--at the less familiar stages of girlhood. _Mary_, very
+nicely played by Miss MINA LEONESI, showed no sign of her subsequent
+taste for blood; but Miss KATHLEEN JONES, in the part of the pedantic
+little _Princess Elizabeth_, gave us some very happy premonitions of the
+domineering qualities of the Virgin Queen. The tiny _Prince Edward_,
+too, who was prepared to compose an epithalamium for his royal parent's
+final wedlock, already gave promise of a scholarly career. Apart,
+however, from the charm of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH as _Katharine Parr_, and
+the gentle dignity of Miss ALICE LONNON as _Anne Askew_, there was
+little distinction shown by the others, though the _Lord Chancellor
+Wriothesley_ of Mr. HUMPHREYS, and Mr. BURTON'S _Bishop Gardiner_,
+conducted their villainies with a proper restraint.
+
+The honours of the evening obviously went to Mr. HUGO RUMBOLD, who
+devised the admirable scenery and costumes, and to Mr. BOURCHIER in the
+title-_r�le_. By nature and constitution he is clearly made for this
+part of all others. Occasionally, in asides, his voice was the voice of
+Mr. BOURCHIER, but for the rest he identified himself with the
+undefeatable _Hal_. I hope he may be persuaded to retain the monarch's
+beard as a permanent feature; for, as a finished product, it suits him
+well in private life; and, if he is to make a practice of playing the
+part of _Henry VIII._, whether to the words of SHAKSPEARE or Mr. PARKER,
+I would not, for his own sake and that of his many friends, have him
+renew the horrific processes of its growth.
+
+    O. S.
+
+"THE IMPOSSIBLE WOMAN."
+
+The joy of _Tante_ (from which novel Mr. HADDON CHAMBERS has adapted
+this play) was that many chapters went by before the reader realised
+that _Madame Okraska_ was indeed an impossible woman. One began by
+liking her; went on to criticise; decided that she wasn't so nice as the
+author intended her to be; and then discovered suddenly that she wasn't
+intended to be a sympathetic character at all, and that, in fact, our
+changing attitude towards her had been just the changing attitude which
+would have been ours in real life. That was Miss ANNE DOUGLAS SEDGWICK'S
+art. She took her time. Mr. CHAMBERS on the stage has not the time to
+take.
+
+And so "_Tante_" is shown to us at once as a histrionic vampire, feeding
+on the admiration and love of others. _Gregory Jardine_, in love with
+her ward, _Karen_, has already seen through her; we have seen through
+her; the question is, when will _Karen_ see through her. Forget about
+the book and you have the foundation of a good play here, on which Mr.
+CHAMBERS has built skilfully. I gather from the fact that he took alone
+the call for "Author" that he would wish us to forget about the book. I
+cannot quite do that, but I can say with confidence that whoever has not
+read _Tante_ will enjoy _The Impossible Woman_ fully, and that the
+others will at least find it interesting.
+
+Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY was a superb _Okraska_. Since she had to reveal
+herself plainly to the audience, the temptation to overplay the part
+must have been great, but she resisted it nobly. Mr. GODFREY TEARLE,
+still a little apt to smile at the wrong moment, was a thoroughly
+efficient _Gregory_; but Miss HILDA BAYLEY did not give me a very clear
+idea of Mr. CHAMBERS' _Karen_, and was certainly not Miss SEDGWICK'S.
+Miss MAY WHITTY and Mr. HENRY EDWARDS, in the small but important parts
+of _Mrs. Talcot_ and _Franz Lippheim_, were of very great assistance to
+the play.
+
+    M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "I DUNNO 'OO NANCY IS--BUT THAT THERE KAYZER CAN'T BE NO
+GENTLEMAN TO STAND BY AN' SEE 'ER KNOCKED ABAHT!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for German sailors who have sunk several herring-boats:--_Nemo
+repente fuit Tirpitzimus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Member of Relief Committee (taking down "all
+particulars.")_ "THANK YOU, THAT'S ALL. OH, BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T GOT
+YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEETH-SETTING.
+
+  When the thunder-shaking German hosts are marching over France--
+  Lo, the glinting of the bayonet and the quiver of the lance!--
+  When a rowdy rampant KAISER, stout and mad and middle-aged,
+  Strips his breast of British Orders just to prove that he's enraged;
+          When with fire and shot and pillage
+          He destroys each town and village;
+  When the world is black with warfare, then there's one thing you
+        must do:--
+  Set your teeth like steel, my hearties, and sit tight and see it through.
+
+  Oh, it's heavy work is fighting, but our soldiers do it well--
+  Lo, the booming of the batteries, the clatter of the shell!--
+  And it's weary work retiring, but they kept a dauntless front,
+  All our company of heroes who have borne the dreadful brunt.
+          They can meet the foe and beat him,
+          They can scatter and defeat him,
+  For they learnt a steady lesson (and they taught a lesson, too),
+  Having set their teeth in earnest and sat tight and seen it through.
+
+  Then their brothers trooped to join them, taking danger for a bride,
+  Not in insolence and malice, but in honour and in pride;
+  Caring nought to be recorded on the muster-roll of fame,
+  So they struck a blow for Britain and the glory of her name.
+          Toil and wounds could but delight them,
+          Death itself could not affright them,
+  Who went out to fight for freedom and the red and white and blue,
+  While they set their teeth as firm as flint and vowed to see it through.
+
+    R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPORTS AND EXPORTS.
+
+[_A German cargo of lead has been captured._]
+
+  It is not lost to you, so make no moan;
+    You shall receive it back, O Potsdam pundit;
+  We do but take a temporary loan,
+    Intending to refund it.
+
+  And goodly interest it shall not lack,
+    A generous rate per cent. for every particle;
+  We take the raw material, sending back
+    The manufactured article.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.
+
+V.--A HUNTING MORN.
+
+(_In the approved manner of the Sporting Feuilleton._)
+
+Setting his teeth determinedly, Ralph Wonderson swarmed up the
+Virginia-creeper until he reached the closely-shuttered window. Here he
+clung precariously with one hand while with the other he produced a
+gimlet and noiselessly bored two holes in the green shutters. Was he too
+late? The question shot through his brain. With a quick intake of breath
+he applied an eye to one hole and an ear to the other and watched and
+listened.
+
+In the lighted room before him sat Sir Ernest Scrivener (_alias_
+Marmaduke Moorsdyke) and a brutal-looking stranger. Sir Ernest was
+speaking.
+
+"Everything, I think, is ready," he said in his cold, level voice. "The
+wedding is to take place in the village church to-morrow at eleven. You,
+Ragley, will take up your position, disguised as a policeman, by the
+church porch, arrest Wonderson on a charge of arson, and detain him
+until I arrive, if I should not be already there. I have here the
+policeman's uniform complete. We are cub-hunting to-morrow morning, and
+at the proper moment I shall leave the hunt and make my way across to
+the church, provided with the forged warrant of arrest (which I shall,
+as a magistrate, hand to you), the forged death certificate of my
+present wife, and the forged special licence for the marriage of Lady
+Margaret Tamerton and myself. You will then rush Wonderson off in the
+motor which will be waiting, and I shall proceed to marry Lady Margaret.
+Yes--yes, everything is quite ready."
+
+"There's just one thing, Sir," said Ragley, "if you'll excuse me
+mentioning it. Supposing as how the lady refuses like."
+
+Sir Ernest tossed away his half-smoked cigar and smiled evilly.
+
+"That has been foreseen," he said. "The shock of Wonderson's arrest will
+cause her to feel faint. I shall have ready a bottle of smelling salts.
+I need not go into details ... drugs ... loss of will power ... you
+see...."
+
+The blood boiling in Ralph's ears prevented him from hearing more. Only
+the sight of the two murderous-looking revolvers on the table and the
+knowledge that he could not afford to take risks at this juncture
+stopped him from tearing open the shutters and dashing into the room.
+
+Sir Ernest rose to his feet and simultaneously Ralph slid down the
+creeper and regained _terra firma_. His mind was working rapidly.
+
+       * * *
+
+The meet of the Chingerley Hunt made a gay spectacle. The red coats of
+the men and the fascinating Parisian _toilettes_ of the ladies shone
+resplendently in the morning sunshine, while the champing of the horses'
+bits blended harmoniously with the choiring of numberless larks. Through
+the brilliant throng moved the Master, Sir Ernest Scrivener, bowing his
+greetings right and left as he passed.
+
+A few minutes before the hour fixed for the start the approach of a
+solitary horseman caused many eyebrows to lift in surprise, while Sir
+Ernest for an instant went white to the teeth. Then he laughed
+scornfully.
+
+"Why, Wonderson!" cried one of the Hunt. "What on earth are you doing
+here? I understood you were being married this morning."
+
+"That is so," replied Ralph easily. "But I see no reason why I shouldn't
+hunt first. DRAKE, you know, played bowls during a crisis, and NERO
+fiddled."
+
+As he spoke he watched Sir Ernest narrowly. The Master was making his
+way towards the iron cage in which the fox cub was imprisoned. Ralph
+edged his horse insensibly nearer.
+
+Amid the eager plaudits of the Hunt Sir Ernest leaned down from his
+saddle and raised the catch with a flourish. As he did so a packet of
+papers fell from his breast pocket.
+
+In a flash the released cub had pounced upon the papers and carried them
+off in his mouth. With a savage oath Sir Ernest plunged his spurs into
+his horse's flanks and gave chase. Ralph, perceiving instantly what had
+happened and guessing the all-important nature of the papers, was by him
+in a stride. Side by side the pair thundered along, while behind them
+the hounds and hunters streamed out in a confused and glittering medley.
+They were off! The hunt was up.
+
+Crouching low on the necks of their panting steeds, the two protagonists
+swept forward, plying remorselessly whip and spur, curb and snaffle. For
+a time neither gained an inch. Then, without warning, the fox doubled.
+With a single turn of his iron wrist Ralph wrenched his horse round
+without the loss of a second, but as he glanced back over his shoulder
+he perceived that the Master was only twenty yards behind. Ralph
+redoubled his efforts, his eyes glued to the white bundle clenched in
+the cub's dripping jaws.
+
+Through field and farmyard, by barn and byre, over rick and river, they
+sped, and ever the gap between the fox and Ralph lessened, while the gap
+between Ralph and Sir Ernest grew wider, and the savage baying of the
+hounds, mingled with the frenzied view halloos of the Hunt, receded
+further into the distance. Never had the Chingerley Hunt known such a
+chase.
+
+At last Ralph recognized that his chance had come. Leaning over his
+horse's ears, he took careful aim and slashed out with his long whip.
+Unerringly the lash coiled round the papers and jerked them from the
+fox's mouth. A single glance showed him that they were, as he had
+anticipated, the forged documents.
+
+Two minutes later Sir Ernest found the exhausted fox lying insensible by
+the roadside. Glancing up, he perceived Ralph vanishing over the crest
+of a hill.
+
+"Curse him!" he muttered savagely. "Curse him! I must and will overtake
+him before he reaches the church or the game is up. If I take a short
+cut under the hill I can outwit him yet. Curse him again!"
+
+Mercilessly lashing his foaming horse, he galloped in the direction of
+the church. As he rode a sense of the urgency of the situation grew upon
+him. If he arrived first, Wonderson could be arrested, if necessary at
+the pistol's point, before he entered the churchyard, and the papers
+recovered. If he was too late.... He plunged his spurs an inch deep into
+his weary mount.
+
+At length the desperate Mazeppa-like dash was over. As he shot through
+the lych-gate Sir Ernest breathed a sigh of relief. A policeman stood by
+the church porch awaiting him. Wonderson had been beaten.
+
+With an ugly laugh of triumph he swung himself from the horse. Stolidly
+the constable turned to face him. Sir Ernest gave one startled
+exclamation as he saw, not Ragley, but a stranger. He had been
+forestalled.
+
+The heavy hand of a second policeman fell on his shoulder from behind.
+
+"Sir Ernest Scrivener," said a voice solemnly, "I arrest you on a charge
+of forgery, and I advise you to come quietly."
+
+Sir Ernest glanced round and saw that he was completely surrounded by
+police.
+
+As the handcuffs clicked over his wrists there crashed above him the
+joyous clamour of wedding bells.
+
+       * * *
+
+Ralph Wonderson paused for a moment at the lych-gate, his lovely
+fair-haired bride clinging to his arm. Standing in the mellow beauty of
+the English landscape they made a memorable picture. A red-coated
+figure, covered with the stains of hard riding, approached them, bowing
+low. In his hand he held a magnificent fox's brush.
+
+"This has been unanimously awarded to you, Sir," he said, "as a memento
+of the finest ride in the annals of the Chingerley Hunt."
+
+And, as Ralph and his bride raised the brush to their lips, from the
+admiring throng which pressed about them went up that thrilling
+immemorial hunting chorus, "_Tally-ho! Yoicks forrard! Rah! Rah!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER MANIFESTO.
+
+We, the undersigned, having carefully considered the situation in all
+its bearings and applications, have come to the decision that it is no
+longer consonant with the self-respect of Englishmen to share a name
+with the great swollen-headed German aggressor--the despiser of
+treaties, the desecrator of Belgium and the foe of the liberty of the
+world. We therefore give notice that from now and henceforward we
+renounce the name of William in all its variations.
+
+  (_Signed_)
+
+    WILLIAM ARCHER.
+
+    WILLIAM ASHMEAD-BARTLETT.
+
+    WILLIAM BOOSEY.
+
+    BURGLAR BILL (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIE CLARKSON.
+
+    WILL CROOKS.
+
+    WILLIAM DE MORGAN.
+
+    WILL EVANS.
+
+    GULIELMO FERRERO.
+
+    WILLIAM GUNN.
+
+    WILLIAM KNIGHT.
+
+    WILLIAM LE QUEUX.
+
+    WILHELM MEISTER (Shade of).
+
+    BILLY MERSON.
+
+    WILLIAM OSLER.
+
+    WILLY POGANY.
+
+    WILLIAM RAMSAY.
+
+    WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM THE SILENT (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM STRANG.
+
+    BILL SIKES (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM WATSON.
+
+    WILLIAM WHITELEY, LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _A Pufflecombe Worthy speaks._ "YOU BE TELLING US, JAMES
+BUZZICOTT, 'BOUT THIS 'ERE LOOVANE THERE'S S'MUCH TARK OVER IN THE
+PAPERS, AN' THE DESTRUCTION OF A GRAN' OLE BUILDING. BUT WOT DO EE ZAY,
+JAMES BUZZICOTT, 'BOUT PUFFLECOMBE AND T'OLD 'BELL AN' HORNS' IF US BE
+INVADED? WOT DO EE ZAY 'BOUT THAT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IT'S AN ILL WIND....
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I thought you would like to hear about the Intelligence
+Bureau which we have established at home since the War broke out. It is
+run on German lines and so far has been most successful, although there
+are serious risks.
+
+Clarence thought of it. He is my cleverest brother. He got the idea from
+a newspaper. Before the War we weren't allowed to read anything in the
+papers but the cricket scores, but now we may read all.
+
+The Bureau works like this. Clarence goes to mother and says, "May we go
+fishing this afternoon?" Mother says "No," and hurries off to the sewing
+meeting somewhere. They are all making things for soldiers, and
+soldiers' wives and children, and Belgian peasants. Briefly, when she's
+gone, Clarence writes on a piece of paper the fact that Mother has no
+objection to our fishing, shows it to our governess, and off we go.
+Isn't that clever of Germany? When mother returns she forgets to ask of
+the governess what we have been doing, and it is all right.
+
+The other week-end mother went away and wrote to Clarence that we were
+to be sure to go to the children's service on Sunday afternoon. Clarence
+read the letter aloud, and when it came to that part he said, instead of
+"children's service on Sunday afternoon," something about a picnic on
+Monday. That is what he calls editing, which is the special duty of an
+Intelligence Bureau.
+
+Hoping that other children may find our example useful,
+
+    I remain,
+    Yours truly,
+
+    BETH MANN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Return to Culture.
+
+"GERMANS FALLING BACK ON THE MUSE."
+
+_North Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMS AND THE WOMAN.
+
+I was working in the garden, tidying up after the weekly visit of the
+jobbing gardener, when Bolsover put his head over the hedge. "Heard
+about the Pottingers' governess?" he asked excitedly.
+
+"The Pottingers' governess?" I repeated. "No; what about her? Has she
+given them notice?"
+
+"Well, she's not exactly the Pottingers' governess," he replied, "but
+governess to some intimate friends of theirs named Ings living at
+Ponders End. Anyhow, I can absolutely vouch for the truth of the story."
+
+"Get on," I said. "Don't keep me on tenterhooks. What's she done?"
+
+"Why, the police have discovered that she's a German spy," said Bolsover
+mysteriously.
+
+"'Angels and ministers of grace de ---- '"
+
+"Yes," he went on, "she had been with them three years, teaching the
+children '_Ich bin geworden sein_,' and '_Hast du die Tochter des L�wen
+gesehen_,' and all that. It appears that the police called at the house
+one night recently and insisted on searching her room and her trunks.
+Mr. Ings protested; said they'd made a mistake, pledged his word on her
+honour and integrity, but all with no avail. They searched and
+found--what _do_ you think?"
+
+"I'll buy it," I said; "Uncle Jasper's coming to lunch with me. What did
+they find?"
+
+"It's no catch," protested Bolsover, "but the solid truth. They found in
+one of her trunks a German service-rifle and a quantity of ammunition."
+
+"Never!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Only once," retorted Bolsover. "She's now in a Concentration Camp near
+Hendon."
+
+I thought no more about the matter until midway through lunch. We were
+waiting for the _souffl�_ when--
+
+"Have you heard that story about a German?" Uncle Jasper and I began
+simultaneously.
+
+"After you, Uncle," I said dutifully. "What were you going to say?"
+
+"I was about to ask you if you had heard the story of the Polworths'
+governess," he said.
+
+"No," I answered. "Tell me. You refer to the Polworths of Croydon?"
+
+"Exactly. Well, they--or rather some friends of theirs named Culverton,
+living at Purley--had a German governess who had been in the family for
+some years. A night or two ago the police----"
+
+But I needn't repeat it. In all essentials it was Bolsover's story over
+again, the only differences being that they found three bombs and that
+the governess was incarcerated at Horsham.
+
+In the afternoon I accompanied Uncle Jasper to the railway station. On
+my way home I met the Vicar, and we fell to discussing the war.
+Eventually the conversation got to espionage.
+
+"That reminds me," said the Vicar, "of a very strange case in the
+household of one of my parishioners--or it would be more correct to say
+that what I am going to tell you occurred in the house of a friend of
+his at Canterbury. However, the _bona fides_ of the facts is absolutely
+unimpeachable. It appears that----"
+
+And here followed another version of the governess episode, identical in
+all respects with those of Bolsover and Uncle Jasper, save only that the
+police found a loaded revolver and a plan of Chatham Dockyard, and that
+the woman had been deported.
+
+That same evening I dined at old Colonel Jevers', and when the ladies
+had withdrawn to the drawing-room our host began--
+
+"Talking about the war reminds me of a most extraordinary spy story I
+heard to-day about a German governess."
+
+All the men exchanged glances and smiled. The Colonel continued--"I can
+say at once that what I am going to tell you is authentic, for the
+events actually happened to the man who told me--I daresay some of you
+know Bickerton?--or rather to an old friend of his, which, under the
+circumstances, is practically the same thing. Well, this friend of
+Bickerton's, whose name was--"
+
+"Ings, Mullens, Doddridge, Finlayson," we all, except young Pitts,
+murmured _sotto voce_.
+
+"... Potherby, lived at--"
+
+"Ponders End, Woking, Cleckheaton, Norwich," we added in a similar
+manner.
+
+"... Maidstone, and for some time had had in his employ a German
+governess."
+
+And so the tale went on until the Colonel got to the searching of the
+trunk. "... and in it was found...."
+
+"A service-rifle, three bombs, a loaded revolver, plans of
+fortifications," we supplied as before.
+
+"... incriminating letters showing clearly that for years the woman had
+been in communication with the German Secret Service Bureau," concluded
+our host.
+
+Young Pitts left with me and walked to my house.
+
+"I didn't hear any asides from you while the Colonel was repeating that
+hoary old yarn," I said as we reached the gate. "Hadn't you heard it
+before?"
+
+"I heard it in the train this morning," Pitts answered.
+
+"You don't believe it, surely?"
+
+"Of course not. Amongst other reasons, because the man in whose house
+the events were supposed to have taken place happens, I know, to be a
+bachelor, and would not therefore require the services of a German
+governess."
+
+"Who was the person referred to in the version you heard?" I asked.
+
+"You," he replied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _London Scot (proud of his English)._ "AW'LL BE HAME
+ABOOT EICHT O'CLOCK THE NICHT, AN'----"
+
+_Voice of Operator (obedient to Government instructions)._ "NO FOREIGN
+LANGUAGES, PLEASE."
+
+[_Cut off._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Footwork.
+
+    "In a comparatively short time now, summer gardens will have to be
+    overhauled, the bedding-out plants taken up, cuttings taken, and the
+    ground prepared for next spring's display; all of which will be
+    labour usually regarded as _manual_, but which is well within the
+    capabilities of a strong intelligent woman."--_Country Life._
+
+Who would of course regard such labour as womanual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Forming a hollow square in front of Webbe Tent, Lord Grenfell
+    addressed the corps, and complimented them on the work they had done
+    and their smart appearance."
+
+    _The Contingent._
+
+After which the C.O., on behalf of the corps, complimented Lord GRENFELL
+on forming a hollow square.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: SEASIDE MINSTREL, SUSPECTED OF BEING AN ALIEN, IS MADE TO
+REMOVE THE BLACK FROM HIS FACE FOR PURPOSES OF IDENTIFICATION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPERIAL FAVOURS.
+
+We read with very great interest the official and authentic information
+circulated by the Wolff Agency with regard to the status of the Austrian
+_Landsturm_. From this we learn that "on account of its gallant conduct"
+(attended apparently by disastrous results) the Emperor FRANCIS JOSEPH
+has granted it permission to serve outside Austria. This is a gracious
+concession which will no doubt be very highly appreciated by the
+_Landsturm_; but one trifling difficulty seems to stand in the way. To
+be frank, we do not quite see how they are going to get outside. At
+least it would be well for them to take steps before it is too late.
+Events have not facilitated the journey _vi�_ Lemburg, or that _vi�_
+Sarajevo. We know it would be a cruel disappointment if they found
+themselves debarred from enjoying this exceptional boon. Perhaps they
+might try the emergency exit to Italy, where a warm reception would
+await them.
+
+Meanwhile the idea has been taken up by FRANCIS JOSEPH'S brother
+Emperor, who never likes to miss a good thing. We understand that he has
+granted to the German Fleet--on account of its gallant conduct in the
+Kiel Canal--permission to serve outside in the North Sea and also in the
+Solent. We need hardly add that the news has been received with the
+utmost geniality by the British Fleet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nasty Accident to Divine.
+
+    "Cardinal Vanutelli, the doyen of the Papal Conclave, has had the
+    misfortune to break his conclave."--_Liverpool Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Attack on the Press.
+
+    "The Antwerp correspondent of the 'Telegraaf' states that yesterday,
+    between Termonde and Ghent, German soldiers fired upon a train full
+    of Reuter."--_Birmingham Daily Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a poster:--
+
+    "WHAT WE HAVE
+      TO OFFER
+       ITALY.
+
+    _The Globe._"
+
+This is, of course, a rhetorical exaggeration. Actually it would be a
+small piece of Austria.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Confession.
+
+From a letter in _The Globe_ on the liberty allowed to German
+prisoners:--
+
+    "With Portland and Weymouth almost within artillery range the thing
+    seems monstrous. Who is responsible?--I am, &c., MIDDLE TEMPLAR."
+
+Then we hope Middle Templar is ashamed of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LIMEHOUSE.
+
+  Eastward the buzzing tram-car dips
+    Adown Commercial Road,
+  Till you may see the masts of ships,
+    With all their canvas stowed,
+      Stand o'er the house-tops, high
+        Against blue sky;
+      And thus Romance doth stray,
+        Mid work-a-day.
+
+  O drabbest of all penny fares!
+    Yet may you catch a glimpse
+  Of little dusty courts and squares
+    Where little dusty imps
+      Play by the plane-trees there,
+        Squalid, un-fair--
+      If these a child or tree
+        Could ever be.
+
+  The trams they go with hoot and lurch
+    Long miles, through glare and grime,
+  With here and there a dim cool church
+    Wide open all the time;
+      Where on this lovely day
+        Folk stop to pray
+      That wars, at length, may cease
+        And we have peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Stamping Out the Enemy.
+
+    "With German factories paralysed and the cold grip of the British
+    Feet about her throat, Germany, it is argued, must bring the war to
+    a close before starvation conquers her."
+
+    _Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I confess that I did not foretell the present state of affairs, and I
+refuse to believe anyone else who professes to have done so unless he
+can produce his prophecy in writing. _Germany and England_ (MURRAY),
+however, puts the late Professor J. A. CRAMB definitely among the few
+and persistent prophets who should long ago have been very much more
+honoured in their own country. The book is a _r�sum�_ of lectures
+delivered in London in the early part of 1913, and it was first
+published a few months ago. The present reprint proves the lecturer to
+have been wiser before the event than many of us are even while the
+event is happening. Had he lived to see "the day," he would certainly
+have revised his incidental opinions of French competence and Russian
+honesty, British resource, and the utility of the Territorial; he would
+have willingly praised what he has somewhat hastily derided. His theme,
+however, is not criticism of the Allies, but appraisement of Germany;
+and his arguments, simply but eloquently expressed, should be very
+closely regarded by those haphazard optimists who suppose this War to be
+the personal prank of a braggart Kaiser, doomed to an immediate failure
+for want of his subjects' support. I have devoured more pages of printed
+matter since this trouble began than I care to think about, but from the
+whole lot I have had less enlightenment than from this half-crown
+volume; I have learnt exactly what is taking place--and why--from one
+who, unhappily, died before any of the existing wars was declared.
+Clearly the days of miracles are not yet dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No doubt you already know the work of Mr. H. F. PREVOST BATTERSBY
+(FRANCIS PREVOST) in "another place," _i.e._, on the battlefield, where
+as a war-correspondent he has proved himself a keen observer and an
+accomplished master of style. But he can also write romances uncommonly
+well. His latest, _The Lure of Romance_ (LANE), displays once more
+exactly the qualities that have brought its author previous renown--an
+appreciative eye and a ready pen for the dramatic and picturesque
+aspects of a big fight. He knows exactly what a bullet sounds like as it
+whistles over the head of the person to whom it was addressed; and as no
+doubt many of us are taking an unusual interest in bullets just now
+there should be a large public for a story that is so largely concerned
+with them. On its own merits as a tale it is bustling and picturesque
+enough. The scene of it is laid in a South American Republic (that
+useful variant on Ruritania), and the plot deals with the rescue of the
+charming daughters of a rapscallion President, threatened by local
+revolutionaries. Naturally, therefore, there is some shooting--in the
+American sense--all of which bears the sign of expert handling. The
+affair ends with a really thrilling climax, in which _Doyne_, the
+engineer and chief hero, confounds the politics of his enemies by
+letting loose a reservoir upon them. This is great fun. Especially as
+the contents of the reservoir, on its way down through a
+mountain-jungle, brought along with it what Mr. BATTERSBY pleasantly
+calls "clattering carapes of gigantic crabs." A truly gripping finish!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE PICNIC, SEPTEMBER, 1914.
+
+_Anxious Mother._ "I HOPE WE'VE FORGOTTEN NOTHING, FRED?--SANDWICHES,
+SPIRIT LAMP, SUGAR, TEA, MILK, JAM, AMMUNITION, KNIVES, FORKS, REPEATING
+RIFLE, PICKLES, BARBED WIRE, &C., &C."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It would seem a far cry from the clash of armies to the romance of a
+honeymoon spent on a raft _de luxe_ drifting lazily down a river of
+Burma. That is the theme of _Love's Legend_ (CONSTABLE), by Mr. FIELDING
+HALL, author of _The Soul of a People_. But there may be a war of sex
+with sex scarcely less tragic than the wars of men with men (or brutes).
+The author shows us an oldish husband--a civil servant--who surmounts,
+with not too much indelicacy, the primary difficulty of his young wife's
+ingenuousness in relation to the sacrament of marriage. But a further
+and worse difficulty is waiting for him when he comes to deal with the
+incompatibility of the sexes in the matter of moral standards. The
+thing, of course, has been done once for all by LOUIS STEVENSON in
+_Virginibus Puerisque_. But he did it in essay form; here we have the
+piquancy of personal narrative and dialogue. Husband and wife in turn
+are responsible for the story, each assuming a partial attitude towards
+facts and opinions; or else it is one of his old friends (a source of
+foolish jealousy to the wife) who takes up the tale without warning when
+they meet at some riverside station. This means a pleasant variety of
+styles, and there is a certain childlike freshness about the method by
+which the husband adapts himself to his wife's intelligence, presenting
+his more difficult arguments in the form of fairy-tales--a habit which
+the author may, for all I know, have assimilated through intercourse
+with the local native. All goes badly, and things began to threaten an
+_impasse_, when one foggy night the raft is cut in two by a paddle-boat
+and the pair get separated and nearly killed. They are so pleased to be
+restored to one another alive that they tacitly agree to waive their
+differences. It is perhaps rather a puerile _d�nouement_, and not likely
+to be very helpful to the newly-wedded public. There must be very few
+couples who can count on having their elemental differences healed by
+means of a collision between a honeymoon raft and a paddle-steamer on a
+Burmese river. All the same I commend the book, for it has a charm of
+manner that will appeal to all. As for its matter, half of it will seem
+sound to you if you are a male, and most irritating if you are a female;
+and the other way about with the other half. Personally, being a man, I
+thought the woman wanted smacking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    The new German National Anthem (we hope):--_Deutschland unter Allies._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are living in unsettled times. St. Petersburg has become Petrograd,
+and now we read in _The Yorkshire Observer_ that "The Bradford Baths
+Committee have decided to alter the name of the Central Baths to 'The
+Kursaal.'" What next?
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 27440-8.txt or 27440-8.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/27440-8.zip b/27440-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4c99c20
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-8.zip
diff --git a/27440-h.zip b/27440-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6d86e3f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h.zip
diff --git a/27440-h/27440-h.htm b/27440-h/27440-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..485ad8b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/27440-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2439 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 16, 1914, by Various</title>
+  <style type="text/css">
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+  .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+  .center              {text-align: center;}
+  td                   {padding-left: 1em;}
+  td.note              {text-align: left;font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;}
+  hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.medium            {width: 76%;}
+  html>body hr.medium  {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;}
+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:25%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+
+  p.author {text-align: right;}
+
+  .regards         {text-align: right;
+                    margin-right: 4em;}
+
+    hr.pg   { width: 100%;
+              margin-top: 0em;
+              margin-bottom: 0em;
+              border: solid black;
+              height: 5px; }
+    pre      {font-size: 85%; }
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 16, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 16, 1914</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Sir Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: December 7, 2008  [eBook #27440]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Volume 147</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2><span class="sc">September 16, 1914.</span></h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>"Our future lies upon the water," once boasted the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>. "And our
+present lies in it," as the German soldier remarked when the Belgians
+opened the dykes near Antwerp.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The mass of the German people would seem to be extraordinarily
+ill-informed in regard to the War and to stand sadly in need of
+enlightenment in some respects. For example, their ebullitions of rage
+against everyone and everything English shows that they are ignorant of
+the fact that we are a decadent nation and a negligible quantity in the
+War.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Many of the little scraps in which the Germans were reported by their
+Press to have been victorious now turn out to have been merely scraps of
+paper.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to <i>The Times</i> one of the first acts of the new Pope will be
+to urge the Powers at war to desist from hostilities in the interests of
+humanity. It is rumoured that Austria-Hungary thinks this a capital
+idea.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Our readers will, we are sure, be sorry to hear that the lady who, as
+reported in our pages the week before last, in the course of a
+difference with her husband, called him "a bloomin' Oolan," has once
+again had words with him. This time, the husband complains, she shouted
+after him, "You 'Un!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An appeal has been made for magazines for the men at the front. The
+following extract from a letter touches on the subject:&mdash;"On Wednesday
+heavy German cavalry charged us with drawn sabres, and we only had a
+minute to prepare to receive them. We left our entrenchments and,
+rallying in groups, emptied our magazines into them as they drew near."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We regret to hear that, owing to so many persons failing to go out of
+Town this year, there is considerable distress among London burglars.
+The oldest among them do not remember a duller season.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A dear old lady writes to say that she is delighted to hear that the
+Crystal Palace has been taken over by the Admiralty, as she loves the
+place, and it is <i>so</i> brittle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Another dear old thing suggests that, in order to facilitate the work of
+the police, all spies should be compelled to wear a distinctive dress.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>With the object of benefiting the local branch of the National Relief
+Fund there has been published at Brighton the first number of a paper
+called <i>The Ally</i>. Our contemporary, <i>Ally Sloper</i>, has generously
+decided in the circumstances to take no proceedings with a view to
+protecting its title.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Why," asks a lady, "should not waitresses take the place of the German
+waiters whose services are now being dispensed with?" Possibly we may be
+wrong, but we seem to remember once having seen an announcement on the
+placard of a feminist journal to the effect that:&mdash;</p>
+
+<center>WOMEN<br />
+CAN NOT<br />
+WAIT.</center>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span>, speaking the other day at Broxburn, said that defeat for
+us would not mean foreign tax-gatherers in the country. We are glad of
+this. It would be deplorable if the tax-gatherer were ever to become an
+unpopular figure with us.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/233.png">
+<img src="images/233.png" width="100%" alt="THE HUNTER HUNTED." /></a>
+<h3>THE HUNTER HUNTED.</h3>
+<center>[With acknowledgments to Mr. <span class="sc">J. C. Dollman</span>.]</center>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Fog of War.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"A final shell struck the Laurel amidship, enveloping her in a dense
+certainohtstl thesemac recsmscvtm mecevsccvc."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Glasgow Citizen.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE CHALLENGE.</h2>
+
+<p>"Arthur," I said, "you are not handsome, but you have sterling qualities
+and know a thing or two."</p>
+
+<p>"You are not exactly a mezzotint yourself," Arthur retorted, "and I'm
+not sure that you have any particular qualities yet. What does this lead
+up to?"</p>
+
+<p>"This," I said. "Suppose you are a sentry, outside barracks or an
+encampment of some kind."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm supposing," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"And suppose," I went on, "you don't know me."</p>
+
+<p>"I've supposed worse things than that," said Arthur with decision.</p>
+
+<p>"And try further," I said, "to imagine that it's a dark night, and I
+come along and don't notice you. You'd say, 'Halt, who goes there?'
+wouldn't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should if I remembered my lines, I suppose."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," I said. "Then I should say, 'Friend.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Arthur, "where's the catch?"</p>
+
+<p>"There isn't a catch," I said. "What I want to know is, how do we go on
+after that?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should ask you if you'd got such a thing as a cigarette about you,"
+said Arthur.</p>
+
+<p>"You might do that," I said, "but it doesn't sound helpful. The reason I
+ask is because I've read the instructions several times in the papers on
+the courtesies to be observed when meeting a sentry; but the scene
+always ends at this point&mdash;'Friend.' What happens next?"</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps the right thing," said Arthur, "would be for you to ask after
+the Colonel's wife. But I might not let you get as far as that. The odds
+would be in favour of my not believing you when you said 'Friend,' and
+in that case I should either shoot or pink you. The choice between these
+two processes would lie with me."</p>
+
+<p>"But wouldn't that be rather sudden? Surely you make another remark
+first. I seem to remember something about 'sign and countersign.'"</p>
+
+<p>"You're thinking of trigonometry, aren't you?" said Arthur.</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps I am," I said. "Anyway it's awkward not knowing what happens
+next."</p>
+
+<p>"I know the best way to find out," said Arthur suddenly. "Get your boots
+on. We'll go and enlist."</p>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LEAVES FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.</h2>
+
+<p>As I have taken occasion to tell them from time to time, God is sparing
+no effort in favour of My brave armies. The noble courage with which
+they have crushed a defenceless peasantry (who, by the way, do not seem
+to share My recognition of the Deity's support of Our methods) has
+proved them to be the authorised medium of the Divine vengeance. I am
+very pleased with both them and God.</p>
+
+<p>The destruction of Louvain, seat of a culture wholly distinct from the
+Prussian ideal, was an inspiration, in which I once more detect the Hand
+of Heaven. Unfortunately it has been misunderstood in neutral countries;
+and, to appease their protests, I have had to explain that this feat of
+righteous wrath has given me an attack of bleeding heart.</p>
+
+<p>I am despatching an Imperial telegram to the President of the Oxford
+University Boat Club to say that when My armies reach that city I may
+possibly spare Oriel for the sake of My Rhodes Scholars. This generous
+thought occurred to Me in church when I was returning thanks for the
+demolition of the library of Louvain.</p>
+
+<p>I have also instructed My intrepid aviators to reserve a pew for Me
+intact among the ruins of Notre Dame de Paris&mdash;for thanksgiving
+purposes.</p>
+
+<p>I have repeatedly warned <span class="sc">Nicholas</span> that God is against him. It is like
+his impious self-assurance to imagine that One whose services I have
+exclusively secured for My side could for a moment entertain the idea of
+supporting My enemies. I confess, however, that I had expected
+<span class="sc">Franz-Josef</span>, as My ally, to receive a larger portion of the Deity's
+favour than has so far fallen to him. From what I hear of the Lemberg
+affair, it looks as if his independent arrangements for Divine support
+had been inadequate. I am afraid I must leave him to get on without it
+as best he can. I shall want all I've got for my own use.</p>
+
+<p>I see that a new Pope has been elected at Rome. At any ordinary moment
+this world-event must have attracted the attention of Heaven. But the
+present attitude of Italy towards the Triple Alliance naturally
+precludes any Divine cognisance of her concerns. On the other hand I
+have Myself thought it expedient to address congratulations to the
+Italian who now occupies the Pontifical Chair, and have ordered the fact
+to receive due publicity as part of My subsidised Press campaign.</p>
+
+<p>In order that the organisers of this campaign may the better persuade
+neutral countries to accept My version of the justice of Our cause, I
+have given directions for them to appeal throughout to the God of Truth.
+We were, as usual, first in the field, and the Father of Lies has a lot
+of ground to make up.</p>
+
+<p>My dear son <span class="sc">Wilhelm</span> tells Me that his own army has a tough proposition
+in front of it. I sometimes fear that he lacks the unquestioning piety
+of his Imperial Parent.</p>
+
+<p>I note that services are still permitted to be held in the English
+church at Dresden, but that no prayers for the success of British arms
+are allowed. In view of My monopoly of Divine protection I regard this
+precaution as unnecessary.</p>
+
+<p>Some blundering operator in Berlin has circulated the ridiculous report
+of a disaster to My army in France. I have ordered the fear of God to be
+put into him.</p>
+
+<p>Even I cannot be in two places at once, and I am too busy in exchanging
+felicitations with My Creator in the background of Our western sphere of
+operations to be able to give My benediction in person to the brave
+defenders of My beloved Prussia. My lack of the gift of omnipresence has
+always been rather a sore point with Me in My otherwise co-equal
+relations with the Almighty. I hope in course of time to have this
+corrected.</p>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE NEW NOAH'S ARK;</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Or, a Word to the Children of England on the Importance of Sea-power</span>.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>As a part of our campaign to capture Germany's trade, it has been
+suggested that Noah's Arks should in future be made in this country.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Remove yon odious concern</p>
+<p class="i2">That once outrode the mimic storm,</p>
+<p class="i0">And deep in darkest shelves intern</p>
+<p class="i2">Her captain and his pirate swarm:</p>
+<p class="i4">Sweep, sweep, that <i>Dreadnought</i> from the seas</p>
+<p class="i4">Of England's carpets, if you please,</p>
+<p class="i4">And set no more by two and two</p>
+<p class="i4">On Sabbath days her bestial crew,</p>
+<p class="i0">That mask with peace the Prussian uniform.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I seem to see the War-Lord's lace</p>
+<p class="i2">Bedeck that bosom mild and stout;</p>
+<p class="i0">Athwart yon patriarchal face</p>
+<p class="i2">The Kaiser-like moustaches sprout;</p>
+<p class="i4">The wideawake becomes a helm,</p>
+<p class="i4">The staff a sword to overwhelm,</p>
+<p class="i4">Hypocrisy stands writ and cant</p>
+<p class="i4">On yonder pale-blue elephant</p>
+<p class="i0">Tusk-less (Maud did it when Mamma was out).</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">What makes he with a lilac dove</p>
+<p class="i2">This Corsair desperate and daft?</p>
+<p class="i0">Behold the conning tower above</p>
+<p class="i2">The big stern chasers pointing aft!</p>
+<p class="i4">This is not he that saved mankind</p>
+<p class="i4">With pards and pigs from tempests blind,</p>
+<p class="i4">But rather he that forged a flood,</p>
+<p class="i4">And not of water but of blood,</p>
+<p class="i0">And filled with worse than wolves his impious craft.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But come, we'll build a larger boat</p>
+<p class="i2">Of English breed, no Teuton shams,</p>
+<p class="i0">Where sheltered animals shall float,</p>
+<p class="i2">The lion couchant with the lambs:</p>
+<p class="i4">See from the cabin's open door</p>
+<p class="i4">What mild-faced dromedaries pour!</p>
+<p class="i4">What <span class="sc">Shems</span> are these? what host arrives</p>
+<p class="i4">Of gentler <span class="sc">Japhets</span> with their wives?</p>
+<p class="i0">What antelopes? what un-Westphalian <span class="sc">Hams</span>?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And sometimes, should the pageant cloy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Supposing Nurse has left the room,</p>
+<p class="i0">We'll take again that outcast toy</p>
+<p class="i2">From the deep cupboard's inmost gloom;</p>
+<p class="i4">We'll shell that buccaneering barque</p>
+<p class="i4">With the good guns of England's ark;</p>
+<p class="i4">We'll chase it flying like a rat</p>
+<p class="i4">For some fort-guarded Ararat,</p>
+<p class="i0">And leave it flotsam for Jemima's broom.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Peace: Old and New Style.</h3>
+
+<p>Now that the Allies have all agreed not to make separate peaces, we can
+look forward to the War stopping all at once, and not just a bit at a
+time, though of course the calendar of the Russians will allow them the
+option of keeping at it for twelve days after the others have finished.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="sc">Glorious Compeagne.</span>&mdash;For ever memorable in the annals of the
+country will be the name of Compeigne."&mdash;<i>News of the World.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Nor shall Compi&egrave;gne, we hope, be utterly forgotten.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/235.png">
+<img src="images/235.png" width="100%" alt="MADE IN GERMANY." /></a>
+<h3>MADE IN GERMANY.</h3>
+<p><span class="sc">Kaiser.</span> "I'M NOT QUITE SATISFIED WITH THE SWORD. PERHAPS, AFTER ALL, THE
+PEN IS MIGHTIER!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/237.png">
+<img src="images/237.png" width="100%" alt="You A Speshul Conshtable?" /></a>
+<p><i>Belated Reveller.</i> "<span class="sc">You A Speshul Conshtable?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Special Constable.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes.</span>" (<i>Long pause.</i>)</p>
+<p><i>B. R.</i> "<span class="sc">What arms 'ave yer?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>S. C.</i> "<span class="sc">A truncheon and a whistle, and</span> (<i>suddenly inventive, in view of
+reveller's superior physique</i>) <span class="sc">A SIX-SHOOTER</span>."</p>
+<p><i>B. R.</i> "<span class="sc">Ah, well, I'm not takin' any fortreshes to-night.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>DISPOSITIONS.</h2>
+
+<p>My wife was certainly ruffled, and, more than that, she was mystified.
+She could not understand it at all.</p>
+
+<p>"And this is the second time," she said.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you questioned the servants?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"It is not likely that my servants would amuse themselves by throwing
+lumps of coal on the drawing-room carpet," she replied, "not being
+lunatics. But as a matter of fact I have questioned them."</p>
+
+<p>"It is the sort of thing a playful kitten might do," I suggested. "Or a
+puppy perhaps."</p>
+
+<p>"No, they couldn't have lifted the tongs, and the tongs were in it too,
+and three walking-sticks. It must have been children, I suppose; but I
+don't think there have been any children in the house."</p>
+
+<p>I found her the same afternoon studying some scratched hieroglyphics on
+the gravel in front of the house. It was quite an elaborate design with
+squares and circles and curving lines, and with a wobbly streak running
+through it. And that evening she announced once and for all that the
+house was bewitched and she gave it up. She had found a loofah, two
+sponges and some cakes of soap elaborately arranged in a pattern on the
+bathroom floor.</p>
+
+<p>She had not yet gathered, as I had, that it was Sinclair and the
+Reverend Henry. I do not think that these two can have been properly
+trained in their youth to put away their toys when they had finished
+with them, as all tidy children should. They had no right to go out
+suddenly and play tennis, leaving the drawing-room carpet in that
+condition.</p>
+
+<p>I had seen it coming on for some days. As soon as Henry has spent his
+first half-hour on the newspapers he is ripe to explain in detail the
+exact disposition of the Allied forces and "what they are evidently
+driving at." And the thing is getting very complicated. He cannot make
+you understand. He tries to draw maps on the back of envelopes, but his
+drawing is pitiable, and then naturally he reaches out at any object
+that happens to be lying on the table, planks it down for Paris or
+Verdun, and gets seriously to work. He and Sinclair were sitting before
+the unlit fire in the drawing-room when Sinclair put forth his brilliant
+hypothesis about a flanking movement on <span class="sc">Von Kl&uuml;ck's</span> right. Henry was
+quite certain it was wrong. He was down on his knees in a moment
+grabbing pieces of coal.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here," he said. "There's Ch&acirc;lons; and that shovel is Soissons. You
+must not forget that the Ardennes lie in behind here"&mdash;realistically
+represented by a heap of logs from the wood-basket&mdash;"and that is the
+Meuse. Of course it isn't quite so straight as that really"&mdash;he put the
+poker in position&mdash;"but that is the line of it. Very well. Can't you see
+that what he is at is to nip this force here between two fires? By Jove,
+the tongs will do splendidly for that. Might have been made for it. So.
+Well, if <span class="sc">Joffre</span> is any good&mdash;Stop a bit"&mdash;he filled both hands with
+coal&mdash;"move your chair back. There, that's Paris, and the edge of the
+fender is the Marne. Well, if <span class="sc">Joffre</span> is not asleep his game is
+obviously&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Stop a bit," said Sinclair. "You've left out the <span class="sc">Crown Prince</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I haven't. That's him there in the work-basket. And you must
+remember that there are Uhlans all over the place." (I think that it
+must have been the Uhlans that chiefly exacerbated my wife when she came
+to clear up. They did reach pretty far afield, and there was quite a lot
+of them under the sofa.) "This is the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> Allied front"&mdash;Sinclair had
+brought him several walking-sticks by this time. "Now suppose we were to
+swing round like this&mdash;I say, do move your chair. Like this. Confound
+it, I didn't notice that little table was in the way. Why do people put
+silly little vases of flowers on tables? Mop it up, will you? Of course
+<span class="sc">French</span> is here. You must keep your eye on <span class="sc">French</span>. But&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What about these lines of communication?"</p>
+
+<p>Henry paused. "Well, there's always the Belgians. I'm afraid we'll have
+to move the piano. Just give it a heave at the other end, will you?
+That'll do. Those pianola records are just the thing. No, not so near
+together. So. Now you see how it works. The whole thing from here to
+here moves sideways."</p>
+
+<p>"Stop a bit," says Sinclair. "You're moving Paris sideways. Whatever
+they may do to it when it falls&mdash;if it ever does&mdash;I don't think they'll
+move it sideways."</p>
+
+<p>Now that the Reverend Henry is no longer permitted to play with coals in
+the drawing-room or make maps on the gravel he has found an outlet on
+the breakfast-table. But he is not allowed to start till after the meal
+is over, ever since he got down early one morning and had the whole
+place laid out in army corps and fortresses, with a horrid tangle of
+knives and forks, cruet-stands, rolls, egg-cups, plates and coffee-pots,
+at the point where the main action was going on in the centre.</p>
+
+<p>But he is not at all satisfied with the breakfast-table. He has to crowd
+things terribly close together at one end in order to have room for the
+Eastern theatre; and Posen (a toast-rack) keeps falling off the edge.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Kirkintilloch Herald</i> describes the man&oelig;uvres of a submarine
+thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Without its presence being detected, it approached within a few
+hundred yards of a German Dreadnought, at which it discharged two
+torpedoes. In order to escape attack the submarine was then obliged
+to sing."</p></div>
+
+<p>Suggested song: "Get out and Get under."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"We will overhaul the chassis ... if you let us undertake the work
+now. The War will probably be over by the time the Car is ready for
+use."&mdash;<i>Advt.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>We cannot decide whether this is an example of Commercial pessimism or
+Military optimism.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/238.png">
+<img src="images/238.png" width="100%" alt="Hoarded egg for breakfast" /></a><br /><br />
+<p>"<span class="sc">Mrs. Smithers, if you are unpatriotic enough to hoard
+your foodstuff, that is a matter for your own conscience; but please
+remember in future not to give me a hoarded egg for breakfast.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PACIFICIST.</h2>
+
+<p>The Pacificist was very worried about it all. In the first place it
+worried him (quite honestly) that his country should ever go to war at
+all. In the second place it vexed him profoundly that the war should be
+against an enemy whose pure-souled benevolence he himself had proclaimed
+and written about for years. Most of all, perhaps, was he secretly
+irritated that these untoward events should coincide with the beginning
+of his own annual holiday at Shrimpborough.</p>
+
+<p>A few mornings after war was declared, the conductor of the
+Shrimpborough orchestra (a genius of cosmopolitan extraction) rose nobly
+to the occasion. From his demeanour and a certain flurry amongst the
+musicians, the Pacificist, seated prominently in the two-penny chairs,
+had about three minutes' warning of what was coming, so that when the
+conductor swung round with uplifted baton, and the audience, thrilled
+but a little self-conscious, climbed to its collective feet as the band
+crashed into the opening bars of the <i>Marseillaise</i>, the Pacificist had
+already decided upon his conduct. He sat still, even for a few moments
+he feigned to be absorbed in his favourite newspaper, but almost
+immediately gave this up as unconvincing and remained staring straight
+before him.</p>
+
+<p>It was perhaps not a very impressive protest. It was obviously, under
+the special circumstances of the case (which need not detain us), an
+entirely foolish and mistaken one. But he made it. He alone in that
+audience of several hundreds did not rise. A little to his secret
+disappointment the hundreds made no apparent counter-demonstration. An
+enthusiastic humming rose from them, mingled with a few easy French
+words happily introduced when occasion seemed to serve. They were far
+too preoccupied to trouble about the Pacificist. He had been prepared
+for every kind of martyrdom, for abuse, hustling, even for blows. All he
+got was a few looks of embarrassed concern from his immediate
+neighbours.</p>
+
+<p>To his excited imagination the tune seemed to go on and on for hours. As
+a matter of fact the genius of cosmopolitan extraction (who had not been
+extracted quite far enough to be sure of British tastes) gave the
+audience four verses where one would have been better. And all this time
+the anger of the Pacificist grew. His cheeks burned, and the excited
+pounding of his heart was like to stifle him. He knew himself one,
+alone, against hundreds; impressing them, no doubt (despite their
+pretence of indifference), with the courage of a right cause. To face
+odds like that! It was intoxicating.</p>
+
+<p>At last he could bear it no longer. Just as the band ceased and the rest
+of the audience subsided again to their morning papers, the Pacificist
+rose. He walked a little unsteadily. The light of battle flashed from
+his eyes, meeting and beating down what he took, erroneously, to be the
+glare of a hostile mob. (As a matter of fact no one noticed him any
+more). Stumbling, white-faced, with set lips and the face of a
+visionary, he gained the turnstile. This, this, was victory! One against
+so many! He had proved himself. He had conquered!</p>
+
+<p>The battle-spirit&mdash;for, despite his honest conviction, his forebears had
+been soldiers and sea-dogs&mdash;surged up within him. How splendid it was,
+this fighting down opposition! What was life, after all, but a fight? He
+had never realized that before. But now he knew. The flame that burnt in
+his blood demanded other foes, other worlds to conquer. It had become an
+urgent need with him to continue fighting; almost anyone would do.</p>
+
+<p>Immediately opposite to the turnstile was the open door of a large
+building; flags surmounted it, and at each side was a large proclamation
+in red and white. With shoulders squared, flashing eye, and the
+demeanour of <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> at the head of the Old Guard, the Pacificist
+entered the recruiting office. "I have come," he said fiercely, "to
+enlist!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>
+
+<h2>SUPER-SYMPATHY.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"The crumbling towers, the shattered fanes,</p>
+<p class="i0">The havoc of the Belgian plains;</p>
+<p class="i0">Dead mothers, children, priests and nuns,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who fall before My conquering Huns&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Believe Me, friends, these grievous woes</p>
+<p class="i0">Deprive Me of My due repose,</p>
+<p class="i0">And, though enforced by higher need,</p>
+<p class="i0">Make My Imperial bosom bleed."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">As the fat spider wipes its eye</p>
+<p class="i0">Over each strangulated fly;</p>
+<p class="i0">As <span class="sc">Abdul Hamid</span> once was fain</p>
+<p class="i0">To weep for the Armenian slain;</p>
+<p class="i0">As <span class="sc">Haynau</span> felt his eyelids drip</p>
+<p class="i0">When women cowered beneath his whip;</p>
+<p class="i0">As <span class="sc">Torquemada</span> doubtless bled</p>
+<p class="i0">With sorrow for the tortured dead&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">So in his own peculiar style</p>
+<p class="i0">Weeps the Imperial Crocodile.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE IMPERIAL PRUSSIAN COLLEGE OF CULTURE.</h2>
+
+<center><i>Telegrams</i>: "Kultur, Berlin."</center><br />
+
+<center><i>Principal</i> Dr. von Hackheim, assisted by a large staff of
+University Professors.</center>
+
+<p>Brutality is acknowledged by the most distinguished Teutonic
+psychologists to have an important place in modern warfare, as serving
+to maintain a properly submissive attitude on the part of the unarmed
+enemy, and the College has been established to complete this side in the
+training of cadets for the Imperial German field army.</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Training by Gramophone.</span></center>
+
+<p>Many difficulties have had to be surmounted. For instance it was found
+that, in spite of training students, proceeding to the front showed
+hesitation in the execution of non-combatants, and grew pale on first
+hearing the cries of women and children. This difficulty is being
+obviated by means of gramophone records taken in Belgium, which serve to
+inure the novice to the sounds of anguish. By the time he proceeds to
+the front no cries for mercy have any power to move him.</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Liter&aelig; Inhumaniores.</span></center>
+
+<p>The curriculum is extensive. In addition to regular musketry practice at
+moving and stationary Red Cross waggons, hospital bomb drill, etc.,
+courses of lectures are being given by thinkers of the first eminence.
+Some of the most celebrated names on the contemporary record of German
+culture are to be found in our staff list. During the coming term, for
+instance, Dr. Junker, of the <span class="sc">Bernhardi</span> School of Philosophy, will give a
+series of discourses on "The Evolution of the Doctrine of Blood and
+Iron," "Infantile Mortality and its Promotion," "Philosophic Doubts
+regarding the Value of Mercy," illustrated by photographs taken in
+Louvain; and a course of lectures on "The Debt of Art to Atrocity" will
+be delivered by Professor Blutwurst, who occupies the <span class="sc">Attila</span> Chair of
+Anatomy in the University of Leipzig.</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Recreation.</span></center>
+
+<p>The proper recreation of students is not neglected and sports are
+encouraged. Paper chases are held frequently, the paper torn up for the
+trail being provided by the courtesy of the Foreign Office, who supply
+the College with all treaties found upon their shelves.</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Records in Brutality.</span></center>
+
+<p>The Principal desires it to be known that he will always be glad to hear
+from past students now serving with the Imperial Forces who have
+performed any notable act of inhumanity towards non-combatants.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%">
+<a href="images/239.png">
+<img src="images/239.png" width="100%" alt="Shafe, Sir?" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>Teutonic Barber.</i> "<span class="sc">Shafe, Sir?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">Ye-es&mdash;&mdash; That is, no!&mdash;&mdash;I think I'll try a hair-cut.</span>"]</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE OUTPOST.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The lurid sunset's slanting rays</p>
+<p class="i2">Incarnadine the soldier's deed;</p>
+<p class="i0">His rugged countenance betrays</p>
+<p class="i2">The bulldog breed.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Not his to shun the stubborn fight,</p>
+<p class="i2">The combat against heavy odds,</p>
+<p class="i0">Alone, unaided&mdash;'tis a sight</p>
+<p class="i2">For men and gods!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And now his back is bowed and bent,</p>
+<p class="i2">Now crouching, now erect, he stands,</p>
+<p class="i0">And now the red life blood is sprent</p>
+<p class="i2">From both his hands.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">He takes his punishment on trust,</p>
+<p class="i2">As one who sees and yet is blind,</p>
+<p class="i0">For every lacerating thrust</p>
+<p class="i2">Comes from behind.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The twilight creeps, the sun has gone,</p>
+<p class="i2">But triumph fills the soldier's breast;</p>
+<p class="i0">He's sewn his back brace-buttons on</p>
+<p class="i2">While fully dressed!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h2>JAMES FEELS BETTER.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The</span> Sergeant-Major was speaking.</p>
+
+<p>"Company&mdash;<span class="sc">'SHUN</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>We 'shunned. We stood motionless (all but one of us) waiting for his
+next words. Then he spoke again.</p>
+
+<p>"Blank blanket," he yelled, "what the blank are you doing?" He was
+looking at me, and my heart was in my mouth. "Blanket," he went on, "if
+you want to scratch your nose, step out here and scratch it. My blank!"
+My heart dropped back again. He must be talking to James behind me. I
+longed to look round and watch the generous waves of colour stealing
+over James's classic features, to fix with a reproachful eye that Roman
+proboscis which he had been grooming; but duty, or natural integrity of
+character, or fear of the Sergeant-Major, or something, held me fast.</p>
+
+<p>"Company&mdash;dis-<span class="sc">MISS</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>We turned to the right and I took James affectionately by the arm.
+"How's the neb?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>And then James told me what he thought of the Sergeant-Major.</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty good rot," he said, "talking like that to a man in my position.
+Cursing a married man with a family as if he were a rotten schoolboy. If
+I met him in ordinary life he'd say 'Sir' to me&mdash;probably ask me for a
+job, and go about in a holy fear that I was going to sack him."</p>
+
+<p>"Discipline, James," I said. "Think how good it is for you to be ordered
+about for a change. And think how jolly it must be for the
+Sergeant-Major to swear at well-known public men. Don't grudge him his
+little bit of pleasure. And finally, think how stimulating it is for the
+rest of us. I assure you, James, there's nothing more bracing to a man
+than to hear another man being cursed."</p>
+
+<p>James muttered to himself. We lit our pipes and sat down among some
+other members of our platoon. James was silent, but we others talked
+eagerly about the difference between "Right form" and "On the right form
+company," and other matters which had suddenly become of great
+importance.</p>
+
+<p>"Let's go and have a little private drill," said one of the keen ones.</p>
+
+<p>"It'll only turn into a rag," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"But of course we shall have to agree to take it seriously and obey
+orders. Who'll come?"</p>
+
+<p>About ten of us offered ourselves. I looked at James; to my surprise he
+jumped up quickly. We went off to a corner of the field, and lined up
+two deep.</p>
+
+<p>"And now who'll drill us?" said James.</p>
+
+<p>We all hung back nervously. To obey an order as one of ten is so much
+easier than to give an order as one of one.</p>
+
+<p>"I will, if you like," said James doubtfully, "but I'm not sure if&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Go on," we all said; "have a try."</p>
+
+<p>James stepped out of the ranks and faced us.</p>
+
+<p>"Cover off, there," he said briskly. "Squad&mdash;<i>'shun</i>!" We were five
+files, and I was No. 3 in the front rank. "Stand at&mdash;<i>ease</i> ... Number
+Three, what the blank are you smoking for? Number Three&mdash;the stout one
+in the front rank. Put that pipe away, Private Haldane. Blanket, Sir,
+this isn't a Cabinet meeting; you're drilling."</p>
+
+<p>"Steady, James, old man," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Silence in the ranks! Two days cells for Private Haldane&mdash;both of them
+week-days. 'Shun! Number!... Form <i>fours</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>We formed fours. Of course it is absurdly easy, even with an odd number
+of files, but it is also absurdly easy to forget.</p>
+
+<p>"As you were!" shouted James. "The last file is always an even number.
+Surely you ought to know that by this time, Private Kitchener. The
+fourth file&mdash;Private Asquith and Private Tree, chest out, Private
+Tree&mdash;the fourth file stands fast. 'Form <i>fours</i>! Right <i>turn</i>! Form two
+<i>deep</i>! 'Bout <i>turn</i>! Form <i>fours</i>! I thought so; Private Tree is wrong
+again. <i>Silence</i>, Private Haldane! Private Haldane will be shot at dawn
+to-morrow. Private Tree will be shot at dawn on the day after, this
+giving him time to prepare his farewell speech. Right <i>turn</i>! Where
+<i>are</i> you, Private Carson? Try and remember that you're not reviewing
+troops just now; you're attempting to decide as quickly as possible
+which is your right hand and which is your left. You'll find it a much
+harder job. The Army Corps will advance. By the right, quick <i>march</i>!
+Step out, Private Tich, my lad, step out."</p>
+
+<p>James was now thoroughly enjoying himself.</p>
+
+<p>"Left <i>incline</i>! Theirs not to reason why, Private Kipling; if I had
+meant 'right incline, and stop at the canteen,' I should have said
+so.... Tut-tut, Private Tree, 'left incline' doesn't mean 'advance like
+a crab'.... Right <i>incline</i>! And now where are you, Private Masterman?
+Left behind <i>again</i>. Halt! Dress up by the right. Blanket, Private
+Haldane, you're <i>still</i> talking. Private Haldane will be blown from the
+guns at dusk. As you were. It's no good taking half measures with
+Private Haldane; kindness is wasted on him. Private Haldane will be
+stopped jam for tea this afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>And then a smile came over James's face. He repressed it, drew himself
+up, and surveyed us sternly.</p>
+
+<p>"Squad, <i>'shun</i>! Scratch&mdash;<i>noses</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Thank you, I feel much better," said James.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. A. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>DISCOVERERS' RIGHTS.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;Unless the blackberrying season is to be utterly ruined
+and thousands of homes thus rendered poisonously unhappy, something must
+be done to make people play the game.</p>
+
+<p>Why is it that this simple little fruit should have such a bad influence
+on otherwise nice persons? But it has. It makes them utterly selfish and
+inconsiderate.</p>
+
+<p>Take our experience last week on the Common. We went out with
+baskets&mdash;three of us&mdash;Elsa, Dolores, and me, and, after hunting about
+for some time and getting fearfully scratched, we came upon a perfectly
+priceless group of bushes which no one had discovered.</p>
+
+<p>The blackberries were there in millions, ripe too, and all sparkling in
+that patent-leather way which makes the mouth water and prevents as many
+getting into the basket as ought to. We were of course fearfully bucked
+by finding such a spot, and began at once in earnest. Judge then of our
+dismay when another party of blackberriers, attracted, I imagine, by our
+cries of rapture, came up and began picking too! These were the two
+Misses Blank, whom we know very slightly. They ought, of course, to have
+gone right away and done their own discovering. Instead of that they
+just nodded, and then snatched away at our bushes as though they were in
+their own garden. One of them even came up to a bush on which Elsa was
+engaged. What was she to do? She could not remonstrate, as we knew them
+so slightly, so she abandoned the bush with a gesture of contempt which
+should have made a dummy blush, but had no effect whatever on these
+thick-skinned Prussians, as we now believe they must be. Probably their
+real name is Fressen, Elsa thinks.</p>
+
+<p>Common decency (I don't mean this for a joke, but I suppose it is one)
+should prevent anybody from going to a place discovered by somebody
+else; and why I write is to ask you if there is not an unwritten law
+against such conduct, and if so will you make it widely known?</p>
+
+<p>It would be dreadful if all the blackberrying parties during this
+September and October were to be ruined by people like the Misses
+Fressen.</p>
+
+<p class="regards">I am,&nbsp; &nbsp; Yours faithfully,<br /><br />
+<span class="sc">Fair Play.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/241.png">
+<img src="images/241.png" width="100%" alt="What would you charge
+to sing &#39;It&#39;s a long way to Tipperary&#39; into auntie&#39;s ear-trumpet" /></a>
+<h3>BY REQUEST.</h3>
+<p><i>Visitor (to Percy of "The Mauve Merriments").</i> "<span class="sc">What would you charge
+to sing 'It's a long way to Tipperary' into auntie's ear-trumpet?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE GREAT CAMPAIGN.</h2>
+
+<p>The formal declaration of war (altogether unexpected by the best minds
+of the community, though the opposing armies had been mobilised for a
+month previously), came like a bolt from the blue on September 1st. In
+an instant the whole country was engaged in sanguinary conflict. We give
+with reserve the following reports which have reached us from our
+correspondents at the front:&mdash;</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Civilians in the Battle Line.</span></center>
+
+<p>On the north-eastern frontier a keen encounter occurred between the
+famous Albion South End Corps and an invading division of the
+redoubtable Cockspur troops. Fifteen thousand spectators from posts of
+vantage round the field witnessed the fearful onslaught of the enemy.
+Civilians were so moved by the imminent peril of the home troops that,
+arming themselves with stones and bottles, and shouting "&mdash;&mdash;" (excised
+by Censor), they flung themselves on the wings of the invading army and
+utterly routed them. It is rumoured that the Cockspurs contemplate
+reprisals. In the event of the South End Corps invading their country it
+is believed that all civilians will fight to the death against the
+invader.</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">The Old British Spirit.</span></center>
+
+<p>Thrilling scenes were witnessed at the opening of the Ealham Thursday
+campaign. A huge crowd, thirsting for a sight of the conflict, gathered
+in the confines of the battlefield. A force of blue-clad mercenaries
+held them in check for a time. But thirty thousand volunteers are worth
+more than a hundred paid men. With magnificent unanimity the Britons
+formed in column. The dense black mass pressed forward. For a moment the
+conflict was fearful. Then the thin blue line of the mercenaries gave
+way and they fled in disgraceful rout. A moment later thirty thousand
+unconquerable Britons, laden with booty from the pay-boxes, stood
+triumphant on the shilling reserved mound. That wonderful charge had
+captured the position.</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Outrages on Non-combatants.</span></center>
+
+<p>We record with deep regret a violation of the laws of war by the General
+of the Shatterham Wanderers army. In the heat of the combat with the
+Notts Strollers brigade he ignored the whistled appeal for an armistice
+to pick up the wounded. Proceeding steadily he fired a deadly shot into
+the enemy's fortifications. A neutral officer, under the protection of
+the Red Cross, courageously protested against this infamy. In an excess
+of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. It
+is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to
+a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly
+declared outside the pale of humanity. (<span class="sc">Note.</span>&mdash;The Censor allows the
+foregoing account to be printed but disclaims all responsibility for its
+correctness.)</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Brilliant Recruiting Campaign.</span></center>
+
+<p>Great weakness has been observed amongst the advanced sharpshooters of
+the Bullington Arsenal corps. "We must have men at any cost," said their
+determined Secretary. A cheering crowd attended him to the station as he
+set out for&mdash;&mdash; (excision by the Censor), accompanied by two
+commissionaires bearing armoured bags of bullion. A rumour reaches us
+that at the cost of four thousand pounds the Secretary has secured two
+famous shots. Great anxiety is felt in Bullington. Crowds gather round
+the headquarters of the corps and ask, "Will they come in time?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Later.</span>&mdash;A wire from Scotland confirms the news. The Union Jack is flying
+over the headquarters. It is felt that the great recruiting campaign has
+saved Britain.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/242.png">
+<img src="images/242.png" width="100%" alt="Stopped sewing for to-day" /></a><br /><br />
+<p>"<span class="sc">Hello, Maria! Stopped sewing for to-day?</span>"</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Yes, Sampson. I think there is more need of men than of pyjamas. I have
+decided to part with you, and shall give you to Lord Kitchener&mdash;myself!
+Get your hat on.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE TIRPITZ TOUCH.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A new nautical ballad.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They faced the winds, the waves, the fogs,</p>
+<p class="i2">For they were a gallant band,</p>
+<p class="i0">And they ventured forth, the bold sea dogs,</p>
+<p class="i2">From the bight of Heligoland.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Six ships of war they steamed along,</p>
+<p class="i2">Audacious and yet discreet,</p>
+<p class="i0">When lo! on the skyline, fifteen strong,</p>
+<p class="i2">They sighted another fleet.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh! theirs was indeed a perilous choice,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twas a case of fight or flee,</p>
+<p class="i0">When the captain cried in a resolute voice,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Let us fight, my lads," cried he.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Long have we panted to come to grips,</p>
+<p class="i2">And here we shall gain our wish;</p>
+<p class="i0">Moreover, I fancy that yonder ships</p>
+<p class="i2">Have nothing on board but fish."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Then up spake a grizzled <i>Goeben</i> lad,</p>
+<p class="i2">"We be far from land or fort;</p>
+<p class="i0">I should feel more safe if I knew we had</p>
+<p class="i2">A battleship in support."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"There be six of us, and fifteen of them;</p>
+<p class="i2">Have a care while the odds are thus;</p>
+<p class="i0">We may rake 'em with shell from stern to stem,</p>
+<p class="i2">But they might throw herrings at us."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The captain he said, "Take heart of grace;</p>
+<p class="i2">There's many a risk to run;</p>
+<p class="i0">A herring's an awkward thing to face,</p>
+<p class="i2">But it's not so bad as a gun.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"My mariners all, be not afraid</p>
+<p class="i2">To venture on bold designs;</p>
+<p class="i0">Remember ye come of the stock that made</p>
+<p class="i2">The North Sea stiff with mines.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"So clear the decks for a scrap, my braves,</p>
+<p class="i2">Since fight ye must and shall,</p>
+<p class="i0">Like sons of the men who rule the waves,</p>
+<p class="i2">The waves of the Kiel Canal."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So all that day they fought and drank</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the battle's fierce delight,</p>
+<p class="i0">And blazed and blazed away till they sank</p>
+<p class="i2">Those trawling boats ere night.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Then they steamed away, Yeo ho! Yeo ho!</p>
+<p class="i2">Brave men who had gained their wish,</p>
+<p class="i0">With lots of captives of war in tow,</p>
+<p class="i2">And any amount of fish.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Distinction.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The members of the Cheltenham Club do not play on Sundays; the
+ladies and gentlemen of the Cotswold Hills Club do play on the
+Sabbath."&mdash;<i>The Homefinder.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/243.png">
+<img src="images/243.png" width="100%" alt="HAIL! RUSSIA!" /></a>
+<h3>HAIL! RUSSIA!</h3>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/245.png">
+<img src="images/245.png" width="100%" alt="LAST OF THE NUTS OF SANDY COVE" /></a>
+<h3>THE LAST OF THE NUTS OF SANDY COVE</h3>
+<center><span class="sc">or, How to make use of our stay-at-homes.</span></center><br />
+<p><i>Lady in the background (also engaged in making night-wear for the
+wounded).</i> <span class="sc">"I say! I wonder if you would be so good as to lend him to us
+when you've finished with him."</span>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<center>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</center>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Wednesday, Sept. 9.</i>&mdash;Parliament met again after
+brief recess. Compared with recent rushes at critical epochs, attendance
+scanty. Among absentees the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, who has well earned the holiday
+deferred by exigencies of war.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Premier</span> in place at Question time. Did not stop long. Expected to make
+statement on position and prospects of Home Rule and Welsh Church Bills.
+As his magnificent speech at Guildhall testified afresh, when occasion
+arises he can say the right thing in perfect phrase. Constitutionally is
+disinclined to talk.</p>
+
+<p>No absolute need to make preliminary statement. Everyone knows these
+matters are settled; nor are details of settlement a secret. Prorogation
+will be decreed early next week, and, in accordance with provisions of
+Parliament Act, Home Rule Bill and Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill
+will be added to Statute Book. But an interval will elapse before they
+become operative, an opportunity to be used for final effort to arrive
+at compromise between conflicting parties.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/245a.png">
+<img src="images/245a.png" width="100%" alt="The Rt. Hon. John Burns" /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">The Rt. Hon. John Burns fails to recognise his portrait
+as painted by a German Press Agency artist.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Proceedings, in the main formal, varied by reading of statement from
+<span class="sc">Viceroy</span> describing how chiefs and people of India are each all one in
+enthusiastic loyalty in the hour of England's need, and how lavish are
+their offers of help. Reading of Eastern story received with outbursts
+of cheering.</p>
+
+<p>"No one to say a good word for the Scourge of Louvain. But let us give
+the&mdash;&mdash;, I mean the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, his due. At a stroke he effected the
+long-time impossible feat of welding Ireland into a loyal entity
+enthusiastically ready to draw the sword in aid of its long-estranged
+Sister across the Channel. Less than a year ago India was in state of
+ominous unrest that found partial expression in attempt on life of
+<span class="sc">Viceroy</span>. The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, secretly plotting treacherous design on a friend
+and neighbour accustomed to lavish hospitality upon him, took note of
+these things. Confidently counted them in when reckoning up his game,
+and arranging time and opportunity for opening it. And lo! when he
+stands unmasked, he finds among the trustiest wings of the Empire's Army
+those supplied by India and Ireland."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> Thus the <span class="sc">Member for Sark</span> mused on
+his way to the Club to read the latest telegrams from the seat of war.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Various emergency Bills advanced a stage.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Five weeks ago, when Declaration of War with Germany boomed
+across Europe, <span class="sc">Premier</span> asked the Commons to sanction increase of Army by
+half-a-million men. Reply enthusiastically affirmative. To-day comes
+down again and, like a young person who shall here be nameless, "asks
+for more."</p>
+
+<p>National response to recruitment of first batch most gratifying. Save
+60,000 men the half-million already enrolled. At present rate of
+progress another couple of days or so will see number completed.
+Meanwhile <span class="sc">Premier</span> asks for another half-million.</p>
+
+<p>These forthcoming, and in present mood of nation there is no doubt on
+subject, "We shall be in a position," he added, "to put something like
+1,200,000 men in the field," a sight that would make <span class="sc">Wellington</span>, not to
+mention <span class="sc">Marlborough</span>, stare.</p>
+
+<p>With that patriotic zeal that has marked attitude of Opposition since
+war began <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> warmly supported proposal. Vote agreed to without
+debate or division.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Having voted additional half-million men for Army,
+House adjourned till Monday.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<center>"<span class="sc">Bluff King Hal.</span>"</center>
+
+<p>The arrangements for the production of Mr. <span class="sc">Louis Parker's</span> pageant-comedy
+had of course been made long before war was contemplated. The completion
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier's</span> beard in itself points to a comparatively remote date
+for the play's inception. Certainly there is nothing very apposite in
+its theme at the present juncture; for <span class="sc">Harry of England</span>, suffering from
+the gout, blustering into a sixth marriage, and haunted by the ghosts of
+four dead wives and the wraith of the sole survivor, is not a figure
+precisely calculated to inspire patriotic fervour. Still, the
+circumstances of the play are sufficiently national, and it should serve
+well enough as a permissible distraction for non-combatants.</p>
+
+<p>You need not be terrified by the complexity of the cast, which consists
+of twenty prominent characters, twenty-four in smaller type, four ghosts
+and a wraith, and a sprinkling of nameless "halberdiers, huntsmen,
+minstrels, servitors, etc." (The soldier-supers&mdash;a type not to be
+confused with the super-soldier&mdash;were a very scratch lot; and I must
+hope that this defect was due to the enlistment of the more martial
+spirits in the profession.) The history of the period is made easy for
+all intelligences, and the relations of <i>Katharine Parr</i> with her lover,
+<i>Sir Thomas Seymour</i>, furnish a clear thread of human interest.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%">
+<a href="images/246.png">
+<img src="images/246.png" width="100%" alt="I dunno &#39;oo Nancy is" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">I dunno 'oo Nancy is&mdash;but that there Kayzer can't be no
+gentleman to stand by an' see 'er knocked abaht!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>It was pleasant to make the acquaintance of two future Queens&mdash;<i>Mary</i>
+and <i>Elizabeth</i>&mdash;at the less familiar stages of girlhood. <i>Mary</i>, very
+nicely played by Miss <span class="sc">Mina Leonesi</span>, showed no sign of her subsequent
+taste for blood; but Miss <span class="sc">Kathleen Jones</span>, in the part of the pedantic
+little <i>Princess Elizabeth</i>, gave us some very happy premonitions of the
+domineering qualities of the Virgin Queen. The tiny <i>Prince Edward</i>,
+too, who was prepared to compose an epithalamium for his royal parent's
+final wedlock, already gave promise of a scholarly career. Apart,
+however, from the charm of Miss <span class="sc">Violet Vanbrugh</span> as <i>Katharine Parr</i>, and
+the gentle dignity of Miss <span class="sc">Alice Lonnon</span> as <i>Anne Askew</i>, there was
+little distinction shown by the others, though the <i>Lord Chancellor
+Wriothesley</i> of Mr. <span class="sc">Humphreys</span>, and Mr. <span class="sc">Burton's</span> <i>Bishop Gardiner</i>,
+conducted their villainies with a proper restraint.</p>
+
+<p>The honours of the evening obviously went to Mr. <span class="sc">Hugo Rumbold</span>, who
+devised the admirable scenery and costumes, and to Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier</span> in the
+title-<i>r&ocirc;le</i>. By nature and constitution he is clearly made for this
+part of all others. Occasionally, in asides, his voice was the voice of
+Mr. <span class="sc">Bourchier</span>, but for the rest he identified himself with the
+undefeatable <i>Hal</i>. I hope he may be persuaded to retain the monarch's
+beard as a permanent feature; for, as a finished product, it suits him
+well in private life; and, if he is to make a practice of playing the
+part of <i>Henry VIII.</i>, whether to the words of <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> or Mr. <span class="sc">Parker</span>,
+I would not, for his own sake and that of his many friends, have him
+renew the horrific processes of its growth.</p>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<center>"<span class="sc">The Impossible Woman.</span>"</center>
+
+<p>The joy of <i>Tante</i> (from which novel Mr. <span class="sc">Haddon Chambers</span> has adapted
+this play) was that many chapters went by before the reader realised
+that <i>Madame Okraska</i> was indeed an impossible woman. One began by
+liking her; went on to criticise; decided that she wasn't so nice as the
+author intended her to be; and then discovered suddenly that she wasn't
+intended to be a sympathetic character at all, and that, in fact, our
+changing attitude towards her had been just the changing attitude which
+would have been ours in real life. That was Miss <span class="sc">Anne Douglas Sedgwick's</span>
+art. She took her time. Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers</span> on the stage has not the time to
+take.</p>
+
+<p>And so "<i>Tante</i>" is shown to us at once as a histrionic vampire, feeding
+on the admiration and love of others. <i>Gregory Jardine</i>, in love with
+her ward, <i>Karen</i>, has already seen through her; we have seen through
+her; the question is, when will <i>Karen</i> see through her. Forget about
+the book and you have the foundation of a good play here, on which Mr.
+<span class="sc">Chambers</span> has built skilfully. I gather from the fact that he took alone
+the call for "Author" that he would wish us to forget about the book. I
+cannot quite do that, but I can say with confidence that whoever has not
+read <i>Tante</i> will enjoy <i>The Impossible Woman</i> fully, and that the
+others will at least find it interesting.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Lillah McCarthy</span> was a superb <i>Okraska</i>. Since she had to reveal
+herself plainly to the audience, the temptation to overplay the part
+must have been great, but she resisted it nobly. Mr. <span class="sc">Godfrey Tearle</span>,
+still a little apt to smile at the wrong moment, was a thoroughly
+efficient <i>Gregory</i>; but Miss <span class="sc">Hilda Bayley</span> did not give me a very clear
+idea of Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers'</span> <i>Karen</i>, and was certainly not Miss <span class="sc">Sedgwick's</span>.
+Miss <span class="sc">May Whitty</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Edwards</span>, in the small but important parts
+of <i>Mrs. Talcot</i> and <i>Franz Lippheim</i>, were of very great assistance to
+the play.</p>
+
+<p class="author">M.</p>
+
+<hr /><br /><br />
+
+<center>Motto for German sailors who have sunk several herring-boats:&mdash;<i>Nemo
+repente fuit Tirpitzimus.</i></center><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/247.png">
+<img src="images/247.png" width="100%" alt="Member of Relief Committee" /></a>
+<p><i>Member of Relief Committee (taking down "all
+particulars").</i> "<span class="sc">Thank you, that's all. Oh, by the way, I haven't got
+your telephone number.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TEETH-SETTING.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">When the thunder-shaking German hosts are marching over France&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Lo, the glinting of the bayonet and the quiver of the lance!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When a rowdy rampant <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>, stout and mad and middle-aged,</p>
+<p class="i0">Strips his breast of British Orders just to prove that he's enraged;</p>
+<p class="i8">When with fire and shot and pillage</p>
+<p class="i8">He destroys each town and village;</p>
+<p class="i0">When the world is black with warfare, then there's one thing you must do:&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Set your teeth like steel, my hearties, and sit tight and see it through.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, it's heavy work is fighting, but our soldiers do it well&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Lo, the booming of the batteries, the clatter of the shell!&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">And it's weary work retiring, but they kept a dauntless front,</p>
+<p class="i0">All our company of heroes who have borne the dreadful brunt.</p>
+<p class="i8">They can meet the foe and beat him,</p>
+<p class="i8">They can scatter and defeat him,</p>
+<p class="i0">For they learnt a steady lesson (and they taught a lesson, too),</p>
+<p class="i0">Having set their teeth in earnest and sat tight and seen it through.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Then their brothers trooped to join them, taking danger for a bride,</p>
+<p class="i0">Not in insolence and malice, but in honour and in pride;</p>
+<p class="i0">Caring nought to be recorded on the muster-roll of fame,</p>
+<p class="i0">So they struck a blow for Britain and the glory of her name.</p>
+<p class="i8">Toil and wounds could but delight them,</p>
+<p class="i8">Death itself could not affright them,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who went out to fight for freedom and the red and white and blue,</p>
+<p class="i0">While they set their teeth as firm as flint and vowed to see it through.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p class="author">R. C. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IMPORTS AND EXPORTS.</h2>
+
+<center>[<i>A German cargo of lead has been captured.</i>]</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">It is not lost to you, so make no moan;</p>
+<p class="i2">You shall receive it back, O Potsdam pundit;</p>
+<p class="i0">We do but take a temporary loan,</p>
+<p class="i2">Intending to refund it.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And goodly interest it shall not lack,</p>
+<p class="i2">A generous rate per cent. for every particle;</p>
+<p class="i0">We take the raw material, sending back</p>
+<p class="i2">The manufactured article.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.</h2>
+
+<center><span class="sc">V.&mdash;A Hunting Morn.</span></center><br />
+
+<center>(<i>In the approved manner of the Sporting Feuilleton.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>Setting his teeth determinedly, Ralph Wonderson swarmed up the
+Virginia-creeper until he reached the closely-shuttered window. Here he
+clung precariously with one hand while with the other he produced a
+gimlet and noiselessly bored two holes in the green shutters. Was he too
+late? The question shot through his brain. With a quick intake of breath
+he applied an eye to one hole and an ear to the other and watched and
+listened.</p>
+
+<p>In the lighted room before him sat Sir Ernest Scrivener (<i>alias</i>
+Marmaduke Moorsdyke) and a brutal-looking stranger. Sir Ernest was
+speaking.</p>
+
+<p>"Everything, I think, is ready," he said in his cold, level voice. "The
+wedding is to take place in the village church to-morrow at eleven. You,
+Ragley, will take up your position, disguised as a policeman, by the
+church porch, arrest Wonderson on a charge of arson, and detain him
+until I arrive, if I should not be already there. I have here the
+policeman's uniform complete. We are cub-hunting to-morrow morning, and
+at the proper moment I shall leave the hunt and make my way across to
+the church, provided with the forged warrant of arrest (which I shall,
+as a magistrate, hand to you), the forged death certificate of my
+present wife, and the forged special licence for the marriage of Lady
+Margaret Tamerton and myself. You will then rush Wonderson off in the
+motor which will be waiting, and I shall proceed to marry Lady Margaret.
+Yes&mdash;yes, everything is quite ready."</p>
+
+<p>"There's just one thing, Sir," said Ragley, "if you'll excuse me
+mentioning it. Supposing as how the lady refuses like."</p>
+
+<p>Sir Ernest tossed away his half-smoked cigar and smiled evilly.</p>
+
+<p>"That has been foreseen," he said. "The shock of Wonderson's arrest will
+cause her to feel faint. I shall have ready a bottle of smelling salts.
+I need not go into details ... drugs ... loss of will power ... you
+see...."</p>
+
+<p>The blood boiling in Ralph's ears prevented him from hearing more. Only
+the sight of the two murderous-looking revolvers on the table and the
+knowledge that he could not afford to take risks at this juncture
+stopped him from tearing open the shutters and dashing into the room.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Ernest rose to his feet and simultaneously Ralph slid down the
+creeper and regained <i>terra firma</i>. His mind was working rapidly.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The meet of the Chingerley Hunt made a gay spectacle. The red coats of
+the men and the fascinating Parisian <i>toilettes</i> of the ladies shone
+resplendently in the morning sunshine, while the champing of the horses'
+bits blended harmoniously with the choiring of numberless larks. Through
+the brilliant throng moved the Master, Sir Ernest Scrivener, bowing his
+greetings right and left as he passed.</p>
+
+<p>A few minutes before the hour fixed for the start the approach of a
+solitary horseman caused many eyebrows to lift in surprise, while Sir
+Ernest for an instant went white to the teeth. Then he laughed
+scornfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Wonderson!" cried one of the Hunt. "What on earth are you doing
+here? I understood you were being married this morning."</p>
+
+<p>"That is so," replied Ralph easily. "But I see no reason why I shouldn't
+hunt first. <span class="sc">Drake</span>, you know, played bowls during a crisis, and <span class="sc">Nero</span>
+fiddled."</p>
+
+<p>As he spoke he watched Sir Ernest narrowly. The Master was making his
+way towards the iron cage in which the fox cub was imprisoned. Ralph
+edged his horse insensibly nearer.</p>
+
+<p>Amid the eager plaudits of the Hunt Sir Ernest leaned down from his
+saddle and raised the catch with a flourish. As he did so a packet of
+papers fell from his breast pocket.</p>
+
+<p>In a flash the released cub had pounced upon the papers and carried them
+off in his mouth. With a savage oath Sir Ernest plunged his spurs into
+his horse's flanks and gave chase. Ralph, perceiving instantly what had
+happened and guessing the all-important nature of the papers, was by him
+in a stride. Side by side the pair thundered along, while behind them
+the hounds and hunters streamed out in a confused and glittering medley.
+They were off! The hunt was up.</p>
+
+<p>Crouching low on the necks of their panting steeds, the two protagonists
+swept forward, plying remorselessly whip and spur, curb and snaffle. For
+a time neither gained an inch. Then, without warning, the fox doubled.
+With a single turn of his iron wrist Ralph wrenched his horse round
+without the loss of a second, but as he glanced back over his shoulder
+he perceived that the Master was only twenty yards behind. Ralph
+redoubled his efforts, his eyes glued to the white bundle clenched in
+the cub's dripping jaws.</p>
+
+<p>Through field and farmyard, by barn and byre, over rick and river, they
+sped, and ever the gap between the fox and Ralph lessened, while the gap
+between Ralph and Sir Ernest grew wider, and the savage baying of the
+hounds, mingled with the frenzied view halloos of the Hunt, receded
+further into the distance. Never had the Chingerley Hunt known such a
+chase.</p>
+
+<p>At last Ralph recognized that his chance had come. Leaning over his
+horse's ears, he took careful aim and slashed out with his long whip.
+Unerringly the lash coiled round the papers and jerked them from the
+fox's mouth. A single glance showed him that they were, as he had
+anticipated, the forged documents.</p>
+
+<p>Two minutes later Sir Ernest found the exhausted fox lying insensible by
+the roadside. Glancing up, he perceived Ralph vanishing over the crest
+of a hill.</p>
+
+<p>"Curse him!" he muttered savagely. "Curse him! I must and will overtake
+him before he reaches the church or the game is up. If I take a short
+cut under the hill I can outwit him yet. Curse him again!"</p>
+
+<p>Mercilessly lashing his foaming horse, he galloped in the direction of
+the church. As he rode a sense of the urgency of the situation grew upon
+him. If he arrived first, Wonderson could be arrested, if necessary at
+the pistol's point, before he entered the churchyard, and the papers
+recovered. If he was too late.... He plunged his spurs an inch deep into
+his weary mount.</p>
+
+<p>At length the desperate Mazeppa-like dash was over. As he shot through
+the lych-gate Sir Ernest breathed a sigh of relief. A policeman stood by
+the church porch awaiting him. Wonderson had been beaten.</p>
+
+<p>With an ugly laugh of triumph he swung himself from the horse. Stolidly
+the constable turned to face him. Sir Ernest gave one startled
+exclamation as he saw, not Ragley, but a stranger. He had been
+forestalled.</p>
+
+<p>The heavy hand of a second policeman fell on his shoulder from behind.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir Ernest Scrivener," said a voice solemnly, "I arrest you on a charge
+of forgery, and I advise you to come quietly."</p>
+
+<p>Sir Ernest glanced round and saw that he was completely surrounded by
+police.</p>
+
+<p>As the handcuffs clicked over his wrists there crashed above him the
+joyous clamour of wedding bells.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Ralph Wonderson paused for a moment at the lych-gate, his lovely
+fair-haired bride clinging to his arm. Standing in the mellow beauty of
+the English landscape they made a memorable picture.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> A red-coated
+figure, covered with the stains of hard riding, approached them, bowing
+low. In his hand he held a magnificent fox's brush.</p>
+
+<p>"This has been unanimously awarded to you, Sir," he said, "as a memento
+of the finest ride in the annals of the Chingerley Hunt."</p>
+
+<p>And, as Ralph and his bride raised the brush to their lips, from the
+admiring throng which pressed about them went up that thrilling
+immemorial hunting chorus, "<i>Tally-ho! Yoicks forrard! Rah! Rah!</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ANOTHER MANIFESTO.</h2>
+
+<p>We, the undersigned, having carefully considered the situation in all
+its bearings and applications, have come to the decision that it is no
+longer consonant with the self-respect of Englishmen to share a name
+with the great swollen-headed German aggressor&mdash;the despiser of
+treaties, the desecrator of Belgium and the foe of the liberty of the
+world. We therefore give notice that from now and henceforward we
+renounce the name of William in all its variations.</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+(<i>Signed</i>)<br />
+<br />
+<span class="sc">William Archer.<br />
+
+William Ashmead-Bartlett.<br />
+
+William Boosey.<br />
+
+Burglar Bill</span> (Shade of).<br />
+
+<span class="sc">Willie Clarkson.<br />
+
+Will Crooks.<br />
+
+William de Morgan.<br />
+
+Will Evans.<br />
+
+Gulielmo Ferrero.<br />
+
+William Gunn.<br />
+
+William Knight.<br />
+
+William le Queux.<br />
+
+Wilhelm Meister</span> (Shade of).<br />
+
+<span class="sc">Billy Merson.<br />
+
+William Osler.<br />
+
+Willy Pogany.<br />
+
+William Ramsay.<br />
+
+William Shakspeare</span> (Shade of).<br />
+
+<span class="sc">William the Silent</span> (Shade of).<br />
+
+<span class="sc">William Strang.<br />
+
+Bill Sikes</span> (Shade of).<br />
+
+<span class="sc">William Watson.<br />
+
+William Whiteley, Ltd.</span><br />
+</blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IT'S AN ILL WIND....</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;I thought you would like to hear about the Intelligence
+Bureau which we have established at home since the War broke out. It is
+run on German lines and so far has been most successful, although there
+are serious risks.</p>
+
+<p>Clarence thought of it. He is my cleverest brother. He got the idea from
+a newspaper. Before the War we weren't allowed to read anything in the
+papers but the cricket scores, but now we may read all.</p>
+
+<p>The Bureau works like this. Clarence goes to mother and says, "May we go
+fishing this afternoon?" Mother says "No," and hurries off to the sewing
+meeting somewhere. They are all making things for soldiers, and
+soldiers' wives and children, and Belgian peasants. Briefly, when she's
+gone, Clarence writes on a piece of paper the fact that Mother has no
+objection to our fishing, shows it to our governess, and off we go.
+Isn't that clever of Germany? When mother returns she forgets to ask of
+the governess what we have been doing, and it is all right.</p>
+
+<p>The other week-end mother went away and wrote to Clarence that we were
+to be sure to go to the children's service on Sunday afternoon. Clarence
+read the letter aloud, and when it came to that part he said, instead of
+"children's service on Sunday afternoon," something about a picnic on
+Monday. That is what he calls editing, which is the special duty of an
+Intelligence Bureau.</p>
+
+<p>Hoping that other children may find our example useful,</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">I remain,&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Yours truly,</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="sc">Beth Mann</span>.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/249.png">
+<img src="images/249.png" width="100%" alt="A Pufflecombe Worthy speaks" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>A Pufflecombe Worthy speaks.</i> "<span class="sc">You be telling us, James
+Buzzicott, 'bout this 'ere Loovane there's s'much tark over in the
+papers, an' the destruction of a gran' ole building. But wot do ee zay,
+James Buzzicott, 'bout Pufflecombe and t'old 'Bell an' Horns' if us be
+invaded? Wot do ee zay 'bout that</span>?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Return to Culture.</h3>
+
+<center>"<span class="sc">Germans Falling back on the Muse.</span>"</center>
+
+<p class="author"><i>North Mail.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ARMS AND THE WOMAN.</h2>
+
+<p>I was working in the garden, tidying up after the weekly visit of the
+jobbing gardener, when Bolsover put his head over the hedge. "Heard
+about the Pottingers' governess?" he asked excitedly.</p>
+
+<p>"The Pottingers' governess?" I repeated. "No; what about her? Has she
+given them notice?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, she's not exactly the Pottingers' governess," he replied, "but
+governess to some intimate friends of theirs named Ings living at
+Ponders End. Anyhow, I can absolutely vouch for the truth of the story."</p>
+
+<p>"Get on," I said. "Don't keep me on tenterhooks. What's she done?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, the police have discovered that she's a German spy," said Bolsover
+mysteriously.</p>
+
+<p>"'Angels and ministers of grace de&mdash;&mdash; '"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he went on, "she had been with them three years, teaching the
+children '<i>Ich bin geworden sein</i>,' and '<i>Hast du die Tochter des L&ouml;wen
+gesehen</i>,' and all that. It appears that the police called at the house
+one night recently and insisted on searching her room and her trunks.
+Mr. Ings protested; said they'd made a mistake, pledged his word on her
+honour and integrity, but all with no avail. They searched and
+found&mdash;what <i>do</i> you think?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll buy it," I said; "Uncle Jasper's coming to lunch with me. What did
+they find?"</p>
+
+<p>"It's no catch," protested Bolsover, "but the solid truth. They found in
+one of her trunks a German service-rifle and a quantity of ammunition."</p>
+
+<p>"Never!" I exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Only once," retorted Bolsover. "She's now in a Concentration Camp near
+Hendon."</p>
+
+<p>I thought no more about the matter until midway through lunch. We were
+waiting for the <i>souffl&eacute;</i> when&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Have you heard that story about a German?" Uncle Jasper and I began
+simultaneously.</p>
+
+<p>"After you, Uncle," I said dutifully. "What were you going to say?"</p>
+
+<p>"I was about to ask you if you had heard the story of the Polworths'
+governess," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"No," I answered. "Tell me. You refer to the Polworths of Croydon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly. Well, they&mdash;or rather some friends of theirs named Culverton,
+living at Purley&mdash;had a German governess who had been in the family for
+some years. A night or two ago the police&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But I needn't repeat it. In all essentials it was Bolsover's story over
+again, the only differences being that they found three bombs and that
+the governess was incarcerated at Horsham.</p>
+
+<p>In the afternoon I accompanied Uncle Jasper to the railway station. On
+my way home I met the Vicar, and we fell to discussing the war.
+Eventually the conversation got to espionage.</p>
+
+<p>"That reminds me," said the Vicar, "of a very strange case in the
+household of one of my parishioners&mdash;or it would be more correct to say
+that what I am going to tell you occurred in the house of a friend of
+his at Canterbury. However, the <i>bona fides</i> of the facts is absolutely
+unimpeachable. It appears that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>And here followed another version of the governess episode, identical in
+all respects with those of Bolsover and Uncle Jasper, save only that the
+police found a loaded revolver and a plan of Chatham Dockyard, and that
+the woman had been deported.</p>
+
+<p>That same evening I dined at old Colonel Jevers', and when the ladies
+had withdrawn to the drawing-room our host began&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Talking about the war reminds me of a most extraordinary spy story I
+heard to-day about a German governess."</p>
+
+<p>All the men exchanged glances and smiled. The Colonel continued&mdash;"I can
+say at once that what I am going to tell you is authentic, for the
+events actually happened to the man who told me&mdash;I daresay some of you
+know Bickerton?&mdash;or rather to an old friend of his, which, under the
+circumstances, is practically the same thing. Well, this friend of
+Bickerton's, whose name was&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Ings, Mullens, Doddridge, Finlayson," we all, except young Pitts,
+murmured <i>sotto voce</i>.</p>
+
+<p>" ... Potherby, lived at&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Ponders End, Woking, Cleckheaton, Norwich," we added in a similar
+manner.</p>
+
+<p>" ... Maidstone, and for some time had had in his employ a German
+governess."</p>
+
+<p>And so the tale went on until the Colonel got to the searching of the
+trunk. " ... and in it was found"....</p>
+
+<p>"A service-rifle, three bombs, a loaded revolver, plans of
+fortifications," we supplied as before.</p>
+
+<p>" ... incriminating letters showing clearly that for years the woman had
+been in communication with the German Secret Service Bureau," concluded
+our host.</p>
+
+<p>Young Pitts left with me and walked to my house.</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't hear any asides from you while the Colonel was repeating that
+hoary old yarn," I said as we reached the gate. "Hadn't you heard it
+before?"</p>
+
+<p>"I heard it in the train this morning," Pitts answered.</p>
+
+<p>"You don't believe it, surely?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course not. Amongst other reasons, because the man in whose house
+the events were supposed to have taken place happens, I know, to be a
+bachelor, and would not therefore require the services of a German
+governess."</p>
+
+<p>"Who was the person referred to in the version you heard?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"You," he replied.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/250.png">
+<img src="images/250.png" width="100%" alt="London Scot (proud of his English)." /></a><br /><br />
+<p><i>London Scot (proud of his English).</i> "<span class="sc">Aw'll be hame
+aboot eicht o'clock the nicht, an'</span>&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p><i>Voice of Operator (obedient to Government instructions).</i> "<span class="sc">No foreign
+languages, please</span>."</p>
+<p>[<i>Cut off.</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Footwork.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"In a comparatively short time now, summer gardens will have to be
+overhauled, the bedding-out plants taken up, cuttings taken, and the
+ground prepared for next spring's display; all of which will be
+labour usually regarded as <i>manual</i>, but which is well within the
+capabilities of a strong intelligent woman."&mdash;<i>Country Life.</i></p></div>
+
+<p>Who would of course regard such labour as womanual.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Forming a hollow square in front of Webbe Tent, Lord Grenfell
+addressed the corps, and complimented them on the work they had done
+and their smart appearance."</p>
+<p class="author"><i>The Contingent.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>After which the C.O., on behalf of the corps, complimented Lord <span class="sc">Grenfell</span>
+on forming a hollow square.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/251.png">
+<img src="images/251.png" width="100%" alt="Seaside Minstrel" /></a><br /><br />
+<p><span class="sc">Seaside Minstrel, suspected of being an alien, is made to
+remove the black from his face for purposes of identification.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IMPERIAL FAVOURS.</h2>
+
+<p>We read with very great interest the official and authentic information
+circulated by the Wolff Agency with regard to the status of the Austrian
+<i>Landsturm</i>. From this we learn that "on account of its gallant conduct"
+(attended apparently by disastrous results) the Emperor <span class="sc">Francis Joseph</span>
+has granted it permission to serve outside Austria. This is a gracious
+concession which will no doubt be very highly appreciated by the
+<i>Landsturm</i>; but one trifling difficulty seems to stand in the way. To
+be frank, we do not quite see how they are going to get outside. At
+least it would be well for them to take steps before it is too late.
+Events have not facilitated the journey <i>vi&aacute;</i> Lemburg, or that <i>vi&aacute;</i>
+Sarajevo. We know it would be a cruel disappointment if they found
+themselves debarred from enjoying this exceptional boon. Perhaps they
+might try the emergency exit to Italy, where a warm reception would
+await them.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile the idea has been taken up by <span class="sc">Francis Joseph's</span> brother
+Emperor, who never likes to miss a good thing. We understand that he has
+granted to the German Fleet&mdash;on account of its gallant conduct in the
+Kiel Canal&mdash;permission to serve outside in the North Sea and also in the
+Solent. We need hardly add that the news has been received with the
+utmost geniality by the British Fleet.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Nasty Accident to Divine.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Cardinal Vanutelli, the doyen of the Papal Conclave, has had the
+misfortune to break his conclave."&mdash;<i>Liverpool Echo.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>Another Attack on the Press.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The Antwerp correspondent of the 'Telegraaf' states that yesterday,
+between Termonde and Ghent, German soldiers fired upon a train full
+of Reuter."&mdash;<i>Birmingham Daily Post.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>From a poster:&mdash;</p>
+
+<center><span class="sc">What we have<br />
+to offer<br />
+Italy.</span><br />
+<br />
+<i>The Globe.</i>"</center>
+
+<p>This is, of course, a rhetorical exaggeration. Actually it would be a
+small piece of Austria.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h3>The Confession.</h3>
+
+<p>From a letter in <i>The Globe</i> on the liberty allowed to German
+prisoners:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"With Portland and Weymouth almost within artillery range the thing
+seems monstrous. Who is responsible?&mdash;I am, &amp;c., <span class="sc">Middle Templar</span>."</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p>Then we hope Middle Templar is ashamed of himself.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO LIMEHOUSE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Eastward the buzzing tram-car dips</p>
+<p class="i2">Adown Commercial Road,</p>
+<p class="i0">Till you may see the masts of ships,</p>
+<p class="i2">With all their canvas stowed,</p>
+<p class="i4">Stand o'er the house-tops, high</p>
+<p class="i6">Against blue sky;</p>
+<p class="i4">And thus Romance doth stray,</p>
+<p class="i6">Mid work-a-day.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">O drabbest of all penny fares!</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet may you catch a glimpse</p>
+<p class="i0">Of little dusty courts and squares</p>
+<p class="i2">Where little dusty imps</p>
+<p class="i4">Play by the plane-trees there,</p>
+<p class="i6">Squalid, un-fair&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">If these a child or tree</p>
+<p class="i6">Could ever be.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The trams they go with hoot and lurch</p>
+<p class="i2">Long miles, through glare and grime,</p>
+<p class="i0">With here and there a dim cool church</p>
+<p class="i2">Wide open all the time;</p>
+<p class="i4">Where on this lovely day</p>
+<p class="i6">Folk stop to pray</p>
+<p class="i4">That wars, at length, may cease</p>
+<p class="i6">And we have peace.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Stamping Out the Enemy.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>"With German factories paralysed and the cold grip of the British
+Feet about her throat, Germany, it is argued, must bring the war to
+a close before starvation conquers her."</p>
+</blockquote>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Yorkshire Evening Post.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</center>
+
+<p>I confess that I did not foretell the present state of affairs, and I
+refuse to believe anyone else who professes to have done so unless he
+can produce his prophecy in writing. <i>Germany and England</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>),
+however, puts the late Professor <span class="sc">J. A. Cramb</span> definitely among the few
+and persistent prophets who should long ago have been very much more
+honoured in their own country. The book is a <i>r&eacute;sum&eacute;</i> of lectures
+delivered in London in the early part of 1913, and it was first
+published a few months ago. The present reprint proves the lecturer to
+have been wiser before the event than many of us are even while the
+event is happening. Had he lived to see "the day," he would certainly
+have revised his incidental opinions of French competence and Russian
+honesty, British resource, and the utility of the Territorial; he would
+have willingly praised what he has somewhat hastily derided. His theme,
+however, is not criticism of the Allies, but appraisement of Germany;
+and his arguments, simply but eloquently expressed, should be very
+closely regarded by those haphazard optimists who suppose this War to be
+the personal prank of a braggart Kaiser, doomed to an immediate failure
+for want of his subjects' support. I have devoured more pages of printed
+matter since this trouble began than I care to think about, but from the
+whole lot I have had less enlightenment than from this half-crown
+volume; I have learnt exactly what is taking place&mdash;and why&mdash;from one
+who, unhappily, died before any of the existing wars was declared.
+Clearly the days of miracles are not yet dead.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>No doubt you already know the work of Mr. <span class="sc">H. F. Prevost Battersby</span>
+(<span class="sc">Francis Prevost</span>) in "another place," <i>i.e.</i>, on the battlefield, where
+as a war-correspondent he has proved himself a keen observer and an
+accomplished master of style. But he can also write romances uncommonly
+well. His latest, <i>The Lure of Romance</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>), displays once more
+exactly the qualities that have brought its author previous renown&mdash;an
+appreciative eye and a ready pen for the dramatic and picturesque
+aspects of a big fight. He knows exactly what a bullet sounds like as it
+whistles over the head of the person to whom it was addressed; and as no
+doubt many of us are taking an unusual interest in bullets just now
+there should be a large public for a story that is so largely concerned
+with them. On its own merits as a tale it is bustling and picturesque
+enough. The scene of it is laid in a South American Republic (that
+useful variant on Ruritania), and the plot deals with the rescue of the
+charming daughters of a rapscallion President, threatened by local
+revolutionaries. Naturally, therefore, there is some shooting&mdash;in the
+American sense&mdash;all of which bears the sign of expert handling. The
+affair ends with a really thrilling climax, in which <i>Doyne</i>, the
+engineer and chief hero, confounds the politics of his enemies by
+letting loose a reservoir upon them. This is great fun. Especially as
+the contents of the reservoir, on its way down through a
+mountain-jungle, brought along with it what Mr. <span class="sc">Battersby</span> pleasantly
+calls "clattering carapes of gigantic crabs." A truly gripping finish!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It would seem a far cry from the clash of armies to the romance of a
+honeymoon spent on a raft <i>de luxe</i> drifting lazily down a river of
+Burma. That is the theme of <i>Love's Legend</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>), by Mr. <span class="sc">Fielding
+Hall</span>, author of <i>The Soul of a People</i>. But there may be a war of sex
+with sex scarcely less tragic than the wars of men with men (or brutes).
+The author shows us an oldish husband&mdash;a civil servant&mdash;who surmounts,
+with not too much indelicacy, the primary difficulty of his young wife's
+ingenuousness in relation to the sacrament of marriage. But a further
+and worse difficulty is waiting for him when he comes to deal with the
+incompatibility of the sexes in the matter of moral standards. The
+thing, of course, has been done once for all by <span class="sc">Louis Stevenson</span> in
+<i>Virginibus Puerisque</i>. But he did it in essay form; here we have the
+piquancy of personal narrative and dialogue. Husband and wife in turn
+are responsible for the story, each assuming a partial attitude towards
+facts and opinions; or else it is one of his old friends (a source of
+foolish jealousy to the wife) who takes up the tale without warning when
+they meet at some riverside station. This means a pleasant variety of
+styles, and there is a certain childlike freshness about the method by
+which the husband adapts himself to his wife's intelligence, presenting
+his more difficult arguments in the form of fairy-tales&mdash;a habit which
+the author may, for all I know, have assimilated through intercourse
+with the local native. All goes badly, and things began to threaten an
+<i>impasse</i>, when one foggy night the raft is cut in two by a paddle-boat
+and the pair get separated and nearly killed. They are so pleased to be
+restored to one another alive that they tacitly agree to waive their
+differences. It is perhaps rather a puerile <i>d&eacute;nouement</i>, and not likely
+to be very helpful to the newly-wedded public. There must be very few
+couples who can count on having their elemental differences healed by
+means of a collision between a honeymoon raft and a paddle-steamer on a
+Burmese river. All the same I commend the book, for it has a charm of
+manner that will appeal to all. As for its matter, half of it will seem
+sound to you if you are a male, and most irritating if you are a female;
+and the other way about with the other half. Personally, being a man, I
+thought the woman wanted smacking.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/252.png">
+<img src="images/252.png" width="100%" alt="I hope we&#39;ve forgotten nothing, Fred" /></a>
+<h3>THE PICNIC, SEPTEMBER, 1914.</h3>
+<p><i>Anxious Mother</i>. "<span class="sc">I hope we've forgotten nothing, Fred?&mdash;sandwiches,
+spirit lamp, sugar, tea, milk, jam, ammunition, knives, forks, repeating
+rifle, pickles, barbed wire, &amp;c., &amp;c.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The new German National Anthem (we hope):&mdash;<i>Deutschland unter Allies</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are living in unsettled times. St. Petersburg has become Petrograd,
+and now we read in <i>The Yorkshire Observer</i> that "The Bradford Baths
+Committee have decided to alter the name of the Central Baths to 'The
+Kursaal.'" What next?</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 27440-h.txt or 27440-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/4/4/27440</a></p>
+<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.</p>
+
+<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.</p>
+
+
+
+<pre>
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a>
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a>
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a>
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+</pre>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/27440-h/images/233.png b/27440-h/images/233.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6c2dd88
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/233.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/235.png b/27440-h/images/235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d25d129
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/235.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/237.png b/27440-h/images/237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..65ea252
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/237.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/238.png b/27440-h/images/238.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3c7f5af
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/238.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/239.png b/27440-h/images/239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..316c103
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/239.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/241.png b/27440-h/images/241.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e98b7eb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/241.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/242.png b/27440-h/images/242.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2a9d63f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/242.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/243.png b/27440-h/images/243.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7fe1e5e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/243.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/245.png b/27440-h/images/245.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..61b97ea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/245.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/245a.png b/27440-h/images/245a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..910c8af
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/245a.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/246.png b/27440-h/images/246.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6df9c0f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/246.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/247.png b/27440-h/images/247.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d996129
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/247.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/249.png b/27440-h/images/249.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7c4c361
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/249.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/250.png b/27440-h/images/250.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ec9b5a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/250.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/251.png b/27440-h/images/251.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e361b28
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/251.png
diff --git a/27440-h/images/252.png b/27440-h/images/252.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..efe52e6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-h/images/252.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p233.png b/27440-page-images/p233.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b0e8631
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p233.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p234.png b/27440-page-images/p234.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0192286
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p234.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p235.png b/27440-page-images/p235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14cc9de
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p235.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p236.png b/27440-page-images/p236.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dbe29b7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p236.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p237.png b/27440-page-images/p237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb9f995
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p237.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p238.png b/27440-page-images/p238.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..05c826d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p238.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p239.png b/27440-page-images/p239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..51246fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p239.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p240.png b/27440-page-images/p240.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ae1a21c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p240.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p241.png b/27440-page-images/p241.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1bbc5a2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p241.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p242.png b/27440-page-images/p242.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10e788b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p242.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p243.png b/27440-page-images/p243.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e4dbfbd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p243.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p244.png b/27440-page-images/p244.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1a5e6fb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p244.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p245.png b/27440-page-images/p245.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1341413
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p245.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p246.png b/27440-page-images/p246.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e119c94
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p246.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p247.png b/27440-page-images/p247.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1487a87
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p247.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p248.png b/27440-page-images/p248.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7402324
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p248.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p249.png b/27440-page-images/p249.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f54cc9f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p249.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p250.png b/27440-page-images/p250.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f07c654
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p250.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p251.png b/27440-page-images/p251.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3a9eb20
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p251.png
diff --git a/27440-page-images/p252.png b/27440-page-images/p252.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..25b3995
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440-page-images/p252.png
diff --git a/27440.txt b/27440.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7557c61
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2284 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147,
+September 16, 1914, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, September 16, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: December 7, 2008  [eBook #27440]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 27440-h.htm or 27440-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h/27440-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440/27440-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 147
+
+SEPTEMBER 16, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Our future lies upon the water," once boasted the KAISER. "And our
+present lies in it," as the German soldier remarked when the Belgians
+opened the dykes near Antwerp.
+
+       * * *
+
+The mass of the German people would seem to be extraordinarily
+ill-informed in regard to the War and to stand sadly in need of
+enlightenment in some respects. For example, their ebullitions of rage
+against everyone and everything English shows that they are ignorant of
+the fact that we are a decadent nation and a negligible quantity in the
+War.
+
+       * * *
+
+Many of the little scraps in which the Germans were reported by their
+Press to have been victorious now turn out to have been merely scraps of
+paper.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to _The Times_ one of the first acts of the new Pope will be
+to urge the Powers at war to desist from hostilities in the interests of
+humanity. It is rumoured that Austria-Hungary thinks this a capital
+idea.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our readers will, we are sure, be sorry to hear that the lady who, as
+reported in our pages the week before last, in the course of a
+difference with her husband, called him "a bloomin' Oolan," has once
+again had words with him. This time, the husband complains, she shouted
+after him, "You 'Un!"
+
+       * * *
+
+An appeal has been made for magazines for the men at the front. The
+following extract from a letter touches on the subject:--"On Wednesday
+heavy German cavalry charged us with drawn sabres, and we only had a
+minute to prepare to receive them. We left our entrenchments and,
+rallying in groups, emptied our magazines into them as they drew near."
+
+       * * *
+
+We regret to hear that, owing to so many persons failing to go out of
+Town this year, there is considerable distress among London burglars.
+The oldest among them do not remember a duller season.
+
+       * * *
+
+A dear old lady writes to say that she is delighted to hear that the
+Crystal Palace has been taken over by the Admiralty, as she loves the
+place, and it is _so_ brittle.
+
+       * * *
+
+Another dear old thing suggests that, in order to facilitate the work of
+the police, all spies should be compelled to wear a distinctive dress.
+
+       * * *
+
+With the object of benefiting the local branch of the National Relief
+Fund there has been published at Brighton the first number of a paper
+called _The Ally_. Our contemporary, _Ally Sloper_, has generously
+decided in the circumstances to take no proceedings with a view to
+protecting its title.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Why," asks a lady, "should not waitresses take the place of the German
+waiters whose services are now being dispensed with?" Possibly we may be
+wrong, but we seem to remember once having seen an announcement on the
+placard of a feminist journal to the effect that:--
+
+    WOMEN
+    CAN NOT
+    WAIT.
+
+       * * *
+
+Lord ROSEBERY, speaking the other day at Broxburn, said that defeat for
+us would not mean foreign tax-gatherers in the country. We are glad of
+this. It would be deplorable if the tax-gatherer were ever to become an
+unpopular figure with us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE HUNTER HUNTED.
+
+[With acknowledgments to Mr. J. C. DOLLMAN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Fog of War.
+
+    "A final shell struck the Laurel amidship, enveloping her in a dense
+    certainohtstl thesemac recsmscvtm mecevsccvc."
+
+    _Glasgow Citizen._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHALLENGE.
+
+"Arthur," I said, "you are not handsome, but you have sterling qualities
+and know a thing or two."
+
+"You are not exactly a mezzotint yourself," Arthur retorted, "and I'm
+not sure that you have any particular qualities yet. What does this lead
+up to?"
+
+"This," I said. "Suppose you are a sentry, outside barracks or an
+encampment of some kind."
+
+"I'm supposing," he said.
+
+"And suppose," I went on, "you don't know me."
+
+"I've supposed worse things than that," said Arthur with decision.
+
+"And try further," I said, "to imagine that it's a dark night, and I
+come along and don't notice you. You'd say, 'Halt, who goes there?'
+wouldn't you?"
+
+"I should if I remembered my lines, I suppose."
+
+"Very well," I said. "Then I should say, 'Friend.'"
+
+"Well," said Arthur, "where's the catch?"
+
+"There isn't a catch," I said. "What I want to know is, how do we go on
+after that?"
+
+"I should ask you if you'd got such a thing as a cigarette about you,"
+said Arthur.
+
+"You might do that," I said, "but it doesn't sound helpful. The reason I
+ask is because I've read the instructions several times in the papers on
+the courtesies to be observed when meeting a sentry; but the scene
+always ends at this point--'Friend.' What happens next?"
+
+"Perhaps the right thing," said Arthur, "would be for you to ask after
+the Colonel's wife. But I might not let you get as far as that. The odds
+would be in favour of my not believing you when you said 'Friend,' and
+in that case I should either shoot or pink you. The choice between these
+two processes would lie with me."
+
+"But wouldn't that be rather sudden? Surely you make another remark
+first. I seem to remember something about 'sign and countersign.'"
+
+"You're thinking of trigonometry, aren't you?" said Arthur.
+
+"Perhaps I am," I said. "Anyway it's awkward not knowing what happens
+next."
+
+"I know the best way to find out," said Arthur suddenly. "Get your boots
+on. We'll go and enlist."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVES FROM AN IMPERIAL NOTE-BOOK.
+
+As I have taken occasion to tell them from time to time, God is sparing
+no effort in favour of My brave armies. The noble courage with which
+they have crushed a defenceless peasantry (who, by the way, do not seem
+to share My recognition of the Deity's support of Our methods) has
+proved them to be the authorised medium of the Divine vengeance. I am
+very pleased with both them and God.
+
+The destruction of Louvain, seat of a culture wholly distinct from the
+Prussian ideal, was an inspiration, in which I once more detect the Hand
+of Heaven. Unfortunately it has been misunderstood in neutral countries;
+and, to appease their protests, I have had to explain that this feat of
+righteous wrath has given me an attack of bleeding heart.
+
+I am despatching an Imperial telegram to the President of the Oxford
+University Boat Club to say that when My armies reach that city I may
+possibly spare Oriel for the sake of My Rhodes Scholars. This generous
+thought occurred to Me in church when I was returning thanks for the
+demolition of the library of Louvain.
+
+I have also instructed My intrepid aviators to reserve a pew for Me
+intact among the ruins of Notre Dame de Paris--for thanksgiving
+purposes.
+
+I have repeatedly warned NICHOLAS that God is against him. It is like
+his impious self-assurance to imagine that One whose services I have
+exclusively secured for My side could for a moment entertain the idea of
+supporting My enemies. I confess, however, that I had expected
+FRANZ-JOSEF, as My ally, to receive a larger portion of the Deity's
+favour than has so far fallen to him. From what I hear of the Lemberg
+affair, it looks as if his independent arrangements for Divine support
+had been inadequate. I am afraid I must leave him to get on without it
+as best he can. I shall want all I've got for my own use.
+
+I see that a new Pope has been elected at Rome. At any ordinary moment
+this world-event must have attracted the attention of Heaven. But the
+present attitude of Italy towards the Triple Alliance naturally
+precludes any Divine cognisance of her concerns. On the other hand I
+have Myself thought it expedient to address congratulations to the
+Italian who now occupies the Pontifical Chair, and have ordered the fact
+to receive due publicity as part of My subsidised Press campaign.
+
+In order that the organisers of this campaign may the better persuade
+neutral countries to accept My version of the justice of Our cause, I
+have given directions for them to appeal throughout to the God of Truth.
+We were, as usual, first in the field, and the Father of Lies has a lot
+of ground to make up.
+
+My dear son WILHELM tells Me that his own army has a tough proposition
+in front of it. I sometimes fear that he lacks the unquestioning piety
+of his Imperial Parent.
+
+I note that services are still permitted to be held in the English
+church at Dresden, but that no prayers for the success of British arms
+are allowed. In view of My monopoly of Divine protection I regard this
+precaution as unnecessary.
+
+Some blundering operator in Berlin has circulated the ridiculous report
+of a disaster to My army in France. I have ordered the fear of God to be
+put into him.
+
+Even I cannot be in two places at once, and I am too busy in exchanging
+felicitations with My Creator in the background of Our western sphere of
+operations to be able to give My benediction in person to the brave
+defenders of My beloved Prussia. My lack of the gift of omnipresence has
+always been rather a sore point with Me in My otherwise co-equal
+relations with the Almighty. I hope in course of time to have this
+corrected.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW NOAH'S ARK;
+
+OR, A WORD TO THE CHILDREN OF ENGLAND ON THE IMPORTANCE OF SEA-POWER.
+
+[_As a part of our campaign to capture Germany's trade, it has been
+suggested that Noah's Arks should in future be made in this country._]
+
+  Remove yon odious concern
+   That once outrode the mimic storm,
+  And deep in darkest shelves intern
+   Her captain and his pirate swarm:
+     Sweep, sweep, that _Dreadnought_ from the seas
+     Of England's carpets, if you please,
+     And set no more by two and two
+     On Sabbath days her bestial crew,
+  That mask with peace the Prussian uniform.
+
+  I seem to see the War-Lord's lace
+    Bedeck that bosom mild and stout;
+  Athwart yon patriarchal face
+    The Kaiser-like moustaches sprout;
+      The wideawake becomes a helm,
+      The staff a sword to overwhelm,
+      Hypocrisy stands writ and cant
+      On yonder pale-blue elephant
+  Tusk-less (Maud did it when Mamma was out).
+
+  What makes he with a lilac dove
+    This Corsair desperate and daft?
+  Behold the conning tower above
+    The big stern chasers pointing aft!
+      This is not he that saved mankind
+      With pards and pigs from tempests blind,
+      But rather he that forged a flood,
+      And not of water but of blood,
+  And filled with worse than wolves his impious craft.
+
+  But come, we'll build a larger boat
+    Of English breed, no Teuton shams,
+  Where sheltered animals shall float,
+    The lion couchant with the lambs:
+      See from the cabin's open door
+      What mild-faced dromedaries pour!
+      What SHEMS are these? what host arrives
+      Of gentler JAPHETS with their wives?
+  What antelopes? what un-Westphalian HAMS?
+
+  And sometimes, should the pageant cloy,
+    Supposing Nurse has left the room,
+  We'll take again that outcast toy
+    From the deep cupboard's inmost gloom;
+      We'll shell that buccaneering barque
+      With the good guns of England's ark;
+      We'll chase it flying like a rat
+      For some fort-guarded Ararat,
+  And leave it flotsam for Jemima's broom.
+
+    EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Peace: Old and New Style.
+
+Now that the Allies have all agreed not to make separate peaces, we can
+look forward to the War stopping all at once, and not just a bit at a
+time, though of course the calendar of the Russians will allow them the
+option of keeping at it for twelve days after the others have finished.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "GLORIOUS COMPEAGNE.--For ever memorable in the annals of the
+  country will be the name of Compeigne."--_News of the World._
+
+
+Nor shall Compiegne, we hope, be utterly forgotten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: MADE IN GERMANY.
+
+KAISER. "I'M NOT QUITE SATISFIED WITH THE SWORD. PERHAPS, AFTER ALL, THE
+PEN IS MIGHTIER!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Belated Reveller._ "YOU A SPESHUL CONSHTABLE?"
+
+_Special Constable._ "YES." (_Long pause._)
+
+_B. R._ "WHAT ARMS 'AVE YER?"
+
+_S. C._ "A TRUNCHEON AND A WHISTLE, AND (_suddenly inventive, in view of
+reveller's superior physique_) A SIX-SHOOTER."
+
+_B. R._ "AH, WELL, I'M NOT TAKIN' ANY FORTRESHES TO-NIGHT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISPOSITIONS.
+
+My wife was certainly ruffled, and, more than that, she was mystified.
+She could not understand it at all.
+
+"And this is the second time," she said.
+
+"Have you questioned the servants?" I asked.
+
+"It is not likely that my servants would amuse themselves by throwing
+lumps of coal on the drawing-room carpet," she replied, "not being
+lunatics. But as a matter of fact I have questioned them."
+
+"It is the sort of thing a playful kitten might do," I suggested. "Or a
+puppy perhaps."
+
+"No, they couldn't have lifted the tongs, and the tongs were in it too,
+and three walking-sticks. It must have been children, I suppose; but I
+don't think there have been any children in the house."
+
+I found her the same afternoon studying some scratched hieroglyphics on
+the gravel in front of the house. It was quite an elaborate design with
+squares and circles and curving lines, and with a wobbly streak running
+through it. And that evening she announced once and for all that the
+house was bewitched and she gave it up. She had found a loofah, two
+sponges and some cakes of soap elaborately arranged in a pattern on the
+bathroom floor.
+
+She had not yet gathered, as I had, that it was Sinclair and the
+Reverend Henry. I do not think that these two can have been properly
+trained in their youth to put away their toys when they had finished
+with them, as all tidy children should. They had no right to go out
+suddenly and play tennis, leaving the drawing-room carpet in that
+condition.
+
+I had seen it coming on for some days. As soon as Henry has spent his
+first half-hour on the newspapers he is ripe to explain in detail the
+exact disposition of the Allied forces and "what they are evidently
+driving at." And the thing is getting very complicated. He cannot make
+you understand. He tries to draw maps on the back of envelopes, but his
+drawing is pitiable, and then naturally he reaches out at any object
+that happens to be lying on the table, planks it down for Paris or
+Verdun, and gets seriously to work. He and Sinclair were sitting before
+the unlit fire in the drawing-room when Sinclair put forth his brilliant
+hypothesis about a flanking movement on VON KLUECK'S right. Henry was
+quite certain it was wrong. He was down on his knees in a moment
+grabbing pieces of coal.
+
+"Look here," he said. "There's Chalons; and that shovel is Soissons. You
+must not forget that the Ardennes lie in behind here"--realistically
+represented by a heap of logs from the wood-basket--"and that is the
+Meuse. Of course it isn't quite so straight as that really"--he put the
+poker in position--"but that is the line of it. Very well. Can't you see
+that what he is at is to nip this force here between two fires? By Jove,
+the tongs will do splendidly for that. Might have been made for it. So.
+Well, if JOFFRE is any good--Stop a bit"--he filled both hands with
+coal--"move your chair back. There, that's Paris, and the edge of the
+fender is the Marne. Well, if JOFFRE is not asleep his game is
+obviously----"
+
+"Stop a bit," said Sinclair. "You've left out the CROWN PRINCE."
+
+"No, I haven't. That's him there in the work-basket. And you must
+remember that there are Uhlans all over the place." (I think that it
+must have been the Uhlans that chiefly exacerbated my wife when she came
+to clear up. They did reach pretty far afield, and there was quite a lot
+of them under the sofa.) "This is the Allied front"--Sinclair had
+brought him several walking-sticks by this time. "Now suppose we were to
+swing round like this--I say, do move your chair. Like this. Confound
+it, I didn't notice that little table was in the way. Why do people put
+silly little vases of flowers on tables? Mop it up, will you? Of course
+FRENCH is here. You must keep your eye on FRENCH. But----"
+
+"What about these lines of communication?"
+
+Henry paused. "Well, there's always the Belgians. I'm afraid we'll have
+to move the piano. Just give it a heave at the other end, will you?
+That'll do. Those pianola records are just the thing. No, not so near
+together. So. Now you see how it works. The whole thing from here to
+here moves sideways."
+
+"Stop a bit," says Sinclair. "You're moving Paris sideways. Whatever
+they may do to it when it falls--if it ever does--I don't think they'll
+move it sideways."
+
+Now that the Reverend Henry is no longer permitted to play with coals in
+the drawing-room or make maps on the gravel he has found an outlet on
+the breakfast-table. But he is not allowed to start till after the meal
+is over, ever since he got down early one morning and had the whole
+place laid out in army corps and fortresses, with a horrid tangle of
+knives and forks, cruet-stands, rolls, egg-cups, plates and coffee-pots,
+at the point where the main action was going on in the centre.
+
+But he is not at all satisfied with the breakfast-table. He has to crowd
+things terribly close together at one end in order to have room for the
+Eastern theatre; and Posen (a toast-rack) keeps falling off the edge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Kirkintilloch Herald_ describes the manoeuvres of a submarine
+thus:--
+
+    "Without its presence being detected, it approached within a few
+    hundred yards of a German Dreadnought, at which it discharged two
+    torpedoes. In order to escape attack the submarine was then obliged
+    to sing."
+
+Suggested song: "Get out and Get under."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We will overhaul the chassis ... if you let us undertake the work
+    now. The War will probably be over by the time the Car is ready for
+    use."--_Advt._
+
+We cannot decide whether this is an example of Commercial pessimism or
+Military optimism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "MRS. SMITHERS, IF YOU ARE UNPATRIOTIC ENOUGH TO HOARD
+YOUR FOODSTUFF, THAT IS A MATTER FOR YOUR OWN CONSCIENCE; BUT PLEASE
+REMEMBER IN FUTURE NOT TO GIVE ME A HOARDED EGG FOR BREAKFAST."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PACIFICIST.
+
+The Pacificist was very worried about it all. In the first place it
+worried him (quite honestly) that his country should ever go to war at
+all. In the second place it vexed him profoundly that the war should be
+against an enemy whose pure-souled benevolence he himself had proclaimed
+and written about for years. Most of all, perhaps, was he secretly
+irritated that these untoward events should coincide with the beginning
+of his own annual holiday at Shrimpborough.
+
+A few mornings after war was declared, the conductor of the
+Shrimpborough orchestra (a genius of cosmopolitan extraction) rose nobly
+to the occasion. From his demeanour and a certain flurry amongst the
+musicians, the Pacificist, seated prominently in the two-penny chairs,
+had about three minutes' warning of what was coming, so that when the
+conductor swung round with uplifted baton, and the audience, thrilled
+but a little self-conscious, climbed to its collective feet as the band
+crashed into the opening bars of the _Marseillaise_, the Pacificist had
+already decided upon his conduct. He sat still, even for a few moments
+he feigned to be absorbed in his favourite newspaper, but almost
+immediately gave this up as unconvincing and remained staring straight
+before him.
+
+It was perhaps not a very impressive protest. It was obviously, under
+the special circumstances of the case (which need not detain us), an
+entirely foolish and mistaken one. But he made it. He alone in that
+audience of several hundreds did not rise. A little to his secret
+disappointment the hundreds made no apparent counter-demonstration. An
+enthusiastic humming rose from them, mingled with a few easy French
+words happily introduced when occasion seemed to serve. They were far
+too preoccupied to trouble about the Pacificist. He had been prepared
+for every kind of martyrdom, for abuse, hustling, even for blows. All he
+got was a few looks of embarrassed concern from his immediate
+neighbours.
+
+To his excited imagination the tune seemed to go on and on for hours. As
+a matter of fact the genius of cosmopolitan extraction (who had not been
+extracted quite far enough to be sure of British tastes) gave the
+audience four verses where one would have been better. And all this time
+the anger of the Pacificist grew. His cheeks burned, and the excited
+pounding of his heart was like to stifle him. He knew himself one,
+alone, against hundreds; impressing them, no doubt (despite their
+pretence of indifference), with the courage of a right cause. To face
+odds like that! It was intoxicating.
+
+At last he could bear it no longer. Just as the band ceased and the rest
+of the audience subsided again to their morning papers, the Pacificist
+rose. He walked a little unsteadily. The light of battle flashed from
+his eyes, meeting and beating down what he took, erroneously, to be the
+glare of a hostile mob. (As a matter of fact no one noticed him any
+more). Stumbling, white-faced, with set lips and the face of a
+visionary, he gained the turnstile. This, this, was victory! One against
+so many! He had proved himself. He had conquered!
+
+The battle-spirit--for, despite his honest conviction, his forebears had
+been soldiers and sea-dogs--surged up within him. How splendid it was,
+this fighting down opposition! What was life, after all, but a fight? He
+had never realized that before. But now he knew. The flame that burnt in
+his blood demanded other foes, other worlds to conquer. It had become an
+urgent need with him to continue fighting; almost anyone would do.
+
+Immediately opposite to the turnstile was the open door of a large
+building; flags surmounted it, and at each side was a large proclamation
+in red and white. With shoulders squared, flashing eye, and the
+demeanour of NAPOLEON at the head of the Old Guard, the Pacificist
+entered the recruiting office. "I have come," he said fiercely, "to
+enlist!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUPER-SYMPATHY.
+
+  "The crumbling towers, the shattered fanes,
+  The havoc of the Belgian plains;
+  Dead mothers, children, priests and nuns,
+  Who fall before My conquering Huns--
+  Believe Me, friends, these grievous woes
+  Deprive Me of My due repose,
+  And, though enforced by higher need,
+  Make My Imperial bosom bleed."
+
+  As the fat spider wipes its eye
+  Over each strangulated fly;
+  As ABDUL HAMID once was fain
+  To weep for the Armenian slain;
+  As HAYNAU felt his eyelids drip
+  When women cowered beneath his whip;
+  As TORQUEMADA doubtless bled
+  With sorrow for the tortured dead--
+  So in his own peculiar style
+  Weeps the Imperial Crocodile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE IMPERIAL PRUSSIAN COLLEGE OF CULTURE.
+
+    _Telegrams_: "Kultur, Berlin."
+
+    _Principal_ Dr. von Hackheim, assisted by a large staff of
+    University Professors.
+
+Brutality is acknowledged by the most distinguished Teutonic
+psychologists to have an important place in modern warfare, as serving
+to maintain a properly submissive attitude on the part of the unarmed
+enemy, and the College has been established to complete this side in the
+training of cadets for the Imperial German field army.
+
+TRAINING BY GRAMOPHONE.
+
+Many difficulties have had to be surmounted. For instance it was found
+that, in spite of training students, proceeding to the front showed
+hesitation in the execution of non-combatants, and grew pale on first
+hearing the cries of women and children. This difficulty is being
+obviated by means of gramophone records taken in Belgium, which serve to
+inure the novice to the sounds of anguish. By the time he proceeds to
+the front no cries for mercy have any power to move him.
+
+LITERAE INHUMANIORES.
+
+The curriculum is extensive. In addition to regular musketry practice at
+moving and stationary Red Cross waggons, hospital bomb drill, etc.,
+courses of lectures are being given by thinkers of the first eminence.
+Some of the most celebrated names on the contemporary record of German
+culture are to be found in our staff list. During the coming term, for
+instance, Dr. Junker, of the BERNHARDI School of Philosophy, will give a
+series of discourses on "The Evolution of the Doctrine of Blood and
+Iron," "Infantile Mortality and its Promotion," "Philosophic Doubts
+regarding the Value of Mercy," illustrated by photographs taken in
+Louvain; and a course of lectures on "The Debt of Art to Atrocity" will
+be delivered by Professor Blutwurst, who occupies the ATTILA Chair of
+Anatomy in the University of Leipzig.
+
+RECREATION.
+
+The proper recreation of students is not neglected and sports are
+encouraged. Paper chases are held frequently, the paper torn up for the
+trail being provided by the courtesy of the Foreign Office, who supply
+the College with all treaties found upon their shelves.
+
+RECORDS IN BRUTALITY.
+
+The Principal desires it to be known that he will always be glad to hear
+from past students now serving with the Imperial Forces who have
+performed any notable act of inhumanity towards non-combatants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Teutonic Barber._ "SHAFE, SIR?"
+
+_Customer._ "YE-ES---- THAT IS, NO!---- I THINK I'LL TRY A HAIR-CUT."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OUTPOST.
+
+  The lurid sunset's slanting rays
+    Incarnadine the soldier's deed;
+  His rugged countenance betrays
+    The bulldog breed.
+
+  Not his to shun the stubborn fight,
+    The combat against heavy odds,
+  Alone, unaided--'tis a sight
+    For men and gods!
+
+  And now his back is bowed and bent,
+    Now crouching, now erect, he stands,
+  And now the red life blood is sprent
+    From both his hands.
+
+  He takes his punishment on trust,
+    As one who sees and yet is blind,
+  For every lacerating thrust
+    Comes from behind.
+
+  The twilight creeps, the sun has gone,
+    But triumph fills the soldier's breast;
+  He's sewn his back brace-buttons on
+    While fully dressed!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JAMES FEELS BETTER.
+
+THE Sergeant-Major was speaking.
+
+"Company--'SHUN!"
+
+We 'shunned. We stood motionless (all but one of us) waiting for his
+next words. Then he spoke again.
+
+"Blank blanket," he yelled, "what the blank are you doing?" He was
+looking at me, and my heart was in my mouth. "Blanket," he went on, "if
+you want to scratch your nose, step out here and scratch it. My blank!"
+My heart dropped back again. He must be talking to James behind me. I
+longed to look round and watch the generous waves of colour stealing
+over James's classic features, to fix with a reproachful eye that Roman
+proboscis which he had been grooming; but duty, or natural integrity of
+character, or fear of the Sergeant-Major, or something, held me fast.
+
+"Company--dis-MISS!"
+
+We turned to the right and I took James affectionately by the arm.
+"How's the neb?" I said.
+
+And then James told me what he thought of the Sergeant-Major.
+
+"Pretty good rot," he said, "talking like that to a man in my position.
+Cursing a married man with a family as if he were a rotten schoolboy. If
+I met him in ordinary life he'd say 'Sir' to me--probably ask me for a
+job, and go about in a holy fear that I was going to sack him."
+
+"Discipline, James," I said. "Think how good it is for you to be ordered
+about for a change. And think how jolly it must be for the
+Sergeant-Major to swear at well-known public men. Don't grudge him his
+little bit of pleasure. And finally, think how stimulating it is for the
+rest of us. I assure you, James, there's nothing more bracing to a man
+than to hear another man being cursed."
+
+James muttered to himself. We lit our pipes and sat down among some
+other members of our platoon. James was silent, but we others talked
+eagerly about the difference between "Right form" and "On the right form
+company," and other matters which had suddenly become of great
+importance.
+
+"Let's go and have a little private drill," said one of the keen ones.
+
+"It'll only turn into a rag," I said.
+
+"But of course we shall have to agree to take it seriously and obey
+orders. Who'll come?"
+
+About ten of us offered ourselves. I looked at James; to my surprise he
+jumped up quickly. We went off to a corner of the field, and lined up
+two deep.
+
+"And now who'll drill us?" said James.
+
+We all hung back nervously. To obey an order as one of ten is so much
+easier than to give an order as one of one.
+
+"I will, if you like," said James doubtfully, "but I'm not sure if----"
+
+"Go on," we all said; "have a try."
+
+James stepped out of the ranks and faced us.
+
+"Cover off, there," he said briskly. "Squad--_'shun_!" We were five
+files, and I was No. 3 in the front rank. "Stand at--_ease_ ... Number
+Three, what the blank are you smoking for? Number Three--the stout one
+in the front rank. Put that pipe away, Private Haldane. Blanket, Sir,
+this isn't a Cabinet meeting; you're drilling."
+
+"Steady, James, old man," I said.
+
+"Silence in the ranks! Two days cells for Private Haldane--both of them
+week-days. 'Shun! Number!... Form _fours_!"
+
+We formed fours. Of course it is absurdly easy, even with an odd number
+of files, but it is also absurdly easy to forget.
+
+"As you were!" shouted James. "The last file is always an even number.
+Surely you ought to know that by this time, Private Kitchener. The
+fourth file--Private Asquith and Private Tree, chest out, Private
+Tree--the fourth file stands fast. 'Form _fours_! Right _turn_! Form two
+_deep_! 'Bout _turn_! Form _fours_! I thought so; Private Tree is wrong
+again. _Silence_, Private Haldane! Private Haldane will be shot at dawn
+to-morrow. Private Tree will be shot at dawn on the day after, this
+giving him time to prepare his farewell speech. Right _turn_! Where
+_are_ you, Private Carson? Try and remember that you're not reviewing
+troops just now; you're attempting to decide as quickly as possible
+which is your right hand and which is your left. You'll find it a much
+harder job. The Army Corps will advance. By the right, quick _march_!
+Step out, Private Tich, my lad, step out."
+
+James was now thoroughly enjoying himself.
+
+"Left _incline_! Theirs not to reason why, Private Kipling; if I had
+meant 'right incline, and stop at the canteen,' I should have said
+so.... Tut-tut, Private Tree, 'left incline' doesn't mean 'advance like
+a crab'.... Right _incline_! And now where are you, Private Masterman?
+Left behind _again_. Halt! Dress up by the right. Blanket, Private
+Haldane, you're _still_ talking. Private Haldane will be blown from the
+guns at dusk. As you were. It's no good taking half measures with
+Private Haldane; kindness is wasted on him. Private Haldane will be
+stopped jam for tea this afternoon."
+
+And then a smile came over James's face. He repressed it, drew himself
+up, and surveyed us sternly.
+
+"Squad, _'shun_! Scratch--_noses_!"
+
+       * * *
+
+"Thank you, I feel much better," said James.
+
+    A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCOVERERS' RIGHTS.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Unless the blackberrying season is to be utterly ruined
+and thousands of homes thus rendered poisonously unhappy, something must
+be done to make people play the game.
+
+Why is it that this simple little fruit should have such a bad influence
+on otherwise nice persons? But it has. It makes them utterly selfish and
+inconsiderate.
+
+Take our experience last week on the Common. We went out with
+baskets--three of us--Elsa, Dolores, and me, and, after hunting about
+for some time and getting fearfully scratched, we came upon a perfectly
+priceless group of bushes which no one had discovered.
+
+The blackberries were there in millions, ripe too, and all sparkling in
+that patent-leather way which makes the mouth water and prevents as many
+getting into the basket as ought to. We were of course fearfully bucked
+by finding such a spot, and began at once in earnest. Judge then of our
+dismay when another party of blackberriers, attracted, I imagine, by our
+cries of rapture, came up and began picking too! These were the two
+Misses Blank, whom we know very slightly. They ought, of course, to have
+gone right away and done their own discovering. Instead of that they
+just nodded, and then snatched away at our bushes as though they were in
+their own garden. One of them even came up to a bush on which Elsa was
+engaged. What was she to do? She could not remonstrate, as we knew them
+so slightly, so she abandoned the bush with a gesture of contempt which
+should have made a dummy blush, but had no effect whatever on these
+thick-skinned Prussians, as we now believe they must be. Probably their
+real name is Fressen, Elsa thinks.
+
+Common decency (I don't mean this for a joke, but I suppose it is one)
+should prevent anybody from going to a place discovered by somebody
+else; and why I write is to ask you if there is not an unwritten law
+against such conduct, and if so will you make it widely known?
+
+It would be dreadful if all the blackberrying parties during this
+September and October were to be ruined by people like the Misses
+Fressen.
+
+    I am,    Yours faithfully,
+    FAIR PLAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: BY REQUEST.
+
+_Visitor (to Percy of "The Mauve Merriments.")_ "WHAT WOULD YOU CHARGE
+TO SING 'IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY' INTO AUNTIE'S EAR-TRUMPET?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT CAMPAIGN.
+
+The formal declaration of war (altogether unexpected by the best minds
+of the community, though the opposing armies had been mobilised for a
+month previously), came like a bolt from the blue on September 1st. In
+an instant the whole country was engaged in sanguinary conflict. We give
+with reserve the following reports which have reached us from our
+correspondents at the front:--
+
+CIVILIANS IN THE BATTLE LINE.
+
+On the north-eastern frontier a keen encounter occurred between the
+famous Albion South End Corps and an invading division of the
+redoubtable Cockspur troops. Fifteen thousand spectators from posts of
+vantage round the field witnessed the fearful onslaught of the enemy.
+Civilians were so moved by the imminent peril of the home troops that,
+arming themselves with stones and bottles, and shouting "----" (excised
+by Censor), they flung themselves on the wings of the invading army and
+utterly routed them. It is rumoured that the Cockspurs contemplate
+reprisals. In the event of the South End Corps invading their country it
+is believed that all civilians will fight to the death against the
+invader.
+
+THE OLD BRITISH SPIRIT.
+
+Thrilling scenes were witnessed at the opening of the Ealham Thursday
+campaign. A huge crowd, thirsting for a sight of the conflict, gathered
+in the confines of the battlefield. A force of blue-clad mercenaries
+held them in check for a time. But thirty thousand volunteers are worth
+more than a hundred paid men. With magnificent unanimity the Britons
+formed in column. The dense black mass pressed forward. For a moment the
+conflict was fearful. Then the thin blue line of the mercenaries gave
+way and they fled in disgraceful rout. A moment later thirty thousand
+unconquerable Britons, laden with booty from the pay-boxes, stood
+triumphant on the shilling reserved mound. That wonderful charge had
+captured the position.
+
+OUTRAGES ON NON-COMBATANTS.
+
+We record with deep regret a violation of the laws of war by the General
+of the Shatterham Wanderers army. In the heat of the combat with the
+Notts Strollers brigade he ignored the whistled appeal for an armistice
+to pick up the wounded. Proceeding steadily he fired a deadly shot into
+the enemy's fortifications. A neutral officer, under the protection of
+the Red Cross, courageously protested against this infamy. In an excess
+of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. It
+is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to
+a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly
+declared outside the pale of humanity. (NOTE.--The Censor allows the
+foregoing account to be printed but disclaims all responsibility for its
+correctness.)
+
+BRILLIANT RECRUITING CAMPAIGN.
+
+Great weakness has been observed amongst the advanced sharpshooters of
+the Bullington Arsenal corps. "We must have men at any cost," said their
+determined Secretary. A cheering crowd attended him to the station as he
+set out for ---- (excision by the Censor), accompanied by two
+commissionaires bearing armoured bags of bullion. A rumour reaches us
+that at the cost of four thousand pounds the Secretary has secured two
+famous shots. Great anxiety is felt in Bullington. Crowds gather round
+the headquarters of the corps and ask, "Will they come in time?"
+
+LATER.--A wire from Scotland confirms the news. The Union Jack is flying
+over the headquarters. It is felt that the great recruiting campaign has
+saved Britain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "HELLO, MARIA! STOPPED SEWING FOR TO-DAY?"
+
+"YES, SAMPSON. I THINK THERE IS MORE NEED OF MEN THAN OF PYJAMAS. I HAVE
+DECIDED TO PART WITH YOU, AND SHALL GIVE YOU TO LORD KITCHENER--MYSELF!
+GET YOUR HAT ON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TIRPITZ TOUCH.
+
+(_A new nautical ballad._)
+
+  They faced the winds, the waves, the fogs,
+    For they were a gallant band,
+  And they ventured forth, the bold sea dogs,
+    From the bight of Heligoland.
+
+  Six ships of war they steamed along,
+    Audacious and yet discreet,
+  When lo! on the skyline, fifteen strong,
+    They sighted another fleet.
+
+  Oh! theirs was indeed a perilous choice,
+    'Twas a case of fight or flee,
+  When the captain cried in a resolute voice,
+    "Let us fight, my lads," cried he.
+
+  "Long have we panted to come to grips,
+    And here we shall gain our wish;
+  Moreover, I fancy that yonder ships
+    Have nothing on board but fish."
+
+  Then up spake a grizzled _Goeben_ lad,
+    "We be far from land or fort;
+  I should feel more safe if I knew we had
+    A battleship in support."
+
+  "There be six of us, and fifteen of them;
+    Have a care while the odds are thus;
+  We may rake 'em with shell from stern to stem,
+    But they might throw herrings at us."
+
+  The captain he said, "Take heart of grace;
+    There's many a risk to run;
+  A herring's an awkward thing to face,
+    But it's not so bad as a gun."
+
+  "My mariners all, be not afraid
+    To venture on bold designs;
+  Remember ye come of the stock that made
+    The North Sea stiff with mines."
+
+  "So clear the decks for a scrap, my braves,
+    Since fight ye must and shall,
+  Like sons of the men who rule the waves,
+    The waves of the Kiel Canal."
+
+  So all that day they fought and drank
+    Of the battle's fierce delight,
+  And blazed and blazed away till they sank
+    Those trawling boats ere night.
+
+  Then they steamed away, Yeo ho! Yeo ho!
+    Brave men who had gained their wish,
+  With lots of captives of war in tow,
+    And any amount of fish.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Distinction.
+
+    "The members of the Cheltenham Club do not play on Sundays; the
+    ladies and gentlemen of the Cotswold Hills Club do play on the
+    Sabbath."--_The Homefinder._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: HAIL! RUSSIA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE LAST OF THE NUTS OF SANDY COVE;
+
+OR, HOW TO MAKE USE OF OUR STAY-AT-HOMES.
+
+_Lady in the background (also engaged in making night-wear for the
+wounded)._ "I SAY! I WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO GOOD AS TO LEND HIM TO US
+WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED WITH HIM."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE RT. HON. JOHN BURNS FAILS TO RECOGNISE HIS PORTRAIT
+AS PAINTED BY A GERMAN PRESS AGENCY ARTIST.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday, Sept. 9._--Parliament met again after
+brief recess. Compared with recent rushes at critical epochs, attendance
+scanty. Among absentees the SPEAKER, who has well earned the holiday
+deferred by exigencies of war.
+
+PREMIER in place at Question time. Did not stop long. Expected to make
+statement on position and prospects of Home Rule and Welsh Church Bills.
+As his magnificent speech at Guildhall testified afresh, when occasion
+arises he can say the right thing in perfect phrase. Constitutionally is
+disinclined to talk.
+
+No absolute need to make preliminary statement. Everyone knows these
+matters are settled; nor are details of settlement a secret. Prorogation
+will be decreed early next week, and, in accordance with provisions of
+Parliament Act, Home Rule Bill and Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill
+will be added to Statute Book. But an interval will elapse before they
+become operative, an opportunity to be used for final effort to arrive
+at compromise between conflicting parties.
+
+Proceedings, in the main formal, varied by reading of statement from
+VICEROY describing how chiefs and people of India are each all one in
+enthusiastic loyalty in the hour of England's need, and how lavish are
+their offers of help. Reading of Eastern story received with outbursts
+of cheering.
+
+"No one to say a good word for the Scourge of Louvain. But let us give
+the----, I mean the KAISER, his due. At a stroke he effected the
+long-time impossible feat of welding Ireland into a loyal entity
+enthusiastically ready to draw the sword in aid of its long-estranged
+Sister across the Channel. Less than a year ago India was in state of
+ominous unrest that found partial expression in attempt on life of
+VICEROY. The KAISER, secretly plotting treacherous design on a friend
+and neighbour accustomed to lavish hospitality upon him, took note of
+these things. Confidently counted them in when reckoning up his game,
+and arranging time and opportunity for opening it. And lo! when he
+stands unmasked, he finds among the trustiest wings of the Empire's Army
+those supplied by India and Ireland." Thus the MEMBER FOR SARK mused on
+his way to the Club to read the latest telegrams from the seat of war.
+
+_Business done._--Various emergency Bills advanced a stage.
+
+_Thursday._--Five weeks ago, when Declaration of War with Germany boomed
+across Europe, PREMIER asked the Commons to sanction increase of Army by
+half-a-million men. Reply enthusiastically affirmative. To-day comes
+down again and, like a young person who shall here be nameless, "asks
+for more."
+
+National response to recruitment of first batch most gratifying. Save
+60,000 men the half-million already enrolled. At present rate of
+progress another couple of days or so will see number completed.
+Meanwhile PREMIER asks for another half-million.
+
+These forthcoming, and in present mood of nation there is no doubt on
+subject, "We shall be in a position," he added, "to put something like
+1,200,000 men in the field," a sight that would make WELLINGTON, not to
+mention MARLBOROUGH, stare.
+
+With that patriotic zeal that has marked attitude of Opposition since
+war began BONAR LAW warmly supported proposal. Vote agreed to without
+debate or division.
+
+_Business done._--Having voted additional half-million men for Army,
+House adjourned till Monday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"BLUFF KING HAL."
+
+The arrangements for the production of Mr. LOUIS PARKER'S pageant-comedy
+had of course been made long before war was contemplated. The completion
+of Mr. BOURCHIER'S beard in itself points to a comparatively remote date
+for the play's inception. Certainly there is nothing very apposite in
+its theme at the present juncture; for HARRY OF ENGLAND, suffering from
+the gout, blustering into a sixth marriage, and haunted by the ghosts of
+four dead wives and the wraith of the sole survivor, is not a figure
+precisely calculated to inspire patriotic fervour. Still, the
+circumstances of the play are sufficiently national, and it should serve
+well enough as a permissible distraction for non-combatants.
+
+You need not be terrified by the complexity of the cast, which consists
+of twenty prominent characters, twenty-four in smaller type, four ghosts
+and a wraith, and a sprinkling of nameless "halberdiers, huntsmen,
+minstrels, servitors, etc." (The soldier-supers--a type not to be
+confused with the super-soldier--were a very scratch lot; and I must
+hope that this defect was due to the enlistment of the more martial
+spirits in the profession.) The history of the period is made easy for
+all intelligences, and the relations of _Katharine Parr_ with her lover,
+_Sir Thomas Seymour_, furnish a clear thread of human interest.
+
+It was pleasant to make the acquaintance of two future Queens--_Mary_
+and _Elizabeth_--at the less familiar stages of girlhood. _Mary_, very
+nicely played by Miss MINA LEONESI, showed no sign of her subsequent
+taste for blood; but Miss KATHLEEN JONES, in the part of the pedantic
+little _Princess Elizabeth_, gave us some very happy premonitions of the
+domineering qualities of the Virgin Queen. The tiny _Prince Edward_,
+too, who was prepared to compose an epithalamium for his royal parent's
+final wedlock, already gave promise of a scholarly career. Apart,
+however, from the charm of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH as _Katharine Parr_, and
+the gentle dignity of Miss ALICE LONNON as _Anne Askew_, there was
+little distinction shown by the others, though the _Lord Chancellor
+Wriothesley_ of Mr. HUMPHREYS, and Mr. BURTON'S _Bishop Gardiner_,
+conducted their villainies with a proper restraint.
+
+The honours of the evening obviously went to Mr. HUGO RUMBOLD, who
+devised the admirable scenery and costumes, and to Mr. BOURCHIER in the
+title-_role_. By nature and constitution he is clearly made for this
+part of all others. Occasionally, in asides, his voice was the voice of
+Mr. BOURCHIER, but for the rest he identified himself with the
+undefeatable _Hal_. I hope he may be persuaded to retain the monarch's
+beard as a permanent feature; for, as a finished product, it suits him
+well in private life; and, if he is to make a practice of playing the
+part of _Henry VIII._, whether to the words of SHAKSPEARE or Mr. PARKER,
+I would not, for his own sake and that of his many friends, have him
+renew the horrific processes of its growth.
+
+    O. S.
+
+"THE IMPOSSIBLE WOMAN."
+
+The joy of _Tante_ (from which novel Mr. HADDON CHAMBERS has adapted
+this play) was that many chapters went by before the reader realised
+that _Madame Okraska_ was indeed an impossible woman. One began by
+liking her; went on to criticise; decided that she wasn't so nice as the
+author intended her to be; and then discovered suddenly that she wasn't
+intended to be a sympathetic character at all, and that, in fact, our
+changing attitude towards her had been just the changing attitude which
+would have been ours in real life. That was Miss ANNE DOUGLAS SEDGWICK'S
+art. She took her time. Mr. CHAMBERS on the stage has not the time to
+take.
+
+And so "_Tante_" is shown to us at once as a histrionic vampire, feeding
+on the admiration and love of others. _Gregory Jardine_, in love with
+her ward, _Karen_, has already seen through her; we have seen through
+her; the question is, when will _Karen_ see through her. Forget about
+the book and you have the foundation of a good play here, on which Mr.
+CHAMBERS has built skilfully. I gather from the fact that he took alone
+the call for "Author" that he would wish us to forget about the book. I
+cannot quite do that, but I can say with confidence that whoever has not
+read _Tante_ will enjoy _The Impossible Woman_ fully, and that the
+others will at least find it interesting.
+
+Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY was a superb _Okraska_. Since she had to reveal
+herself plainly to the audience, the temptation to overplay the part
+must have been great, but she resisted it nobly. Mr. GODFREY TEARLE,
+still a little apt to smile at the wrong moment, was a thoroughly
+efficient _Gregory_; but Miss HILDA BAYLEY did not give me a very clear
+idea of Mr. CHAMBERS' _Karen_, and was certainly not Miss SEDGWICK'S.
+Miss MAY WHITTY and Mr. HENRY EDWARDS, in the small but important parts
+of _Mrs. Talcot_ and _Franz Lippheim_, were of very great assistance to
+the play.
+
+    M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "I DUNNO 'OO NANCY IS--BUT THAT THERE KAYZER CAN'T BE NO
+GENTLEMAN TO STAND BY AN' SEE 'ER KNOCKED ABAHT!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Motto for German sailors who have sunk several herring-boats:--_Nemo
+repente fuit Tirpitzimus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _Member of Relief Committee (taking down "all
+particulars.")_ "THANK YOU, THAT'S ALL. OH, BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T GOT
+YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEETH-SETTING.
+
+  When the thunder-shaking German hosts are marching over France--
+  Lo, the glinting of the bayonet and the quiver of the lance!--
+  When a rowdy rampant KAISER, stout and mad and middle-aged,
+  Strips his breast of British Orders just to prove that he's enraged;
+          When with fire and shot and pillage
+          He destroys each town and village;
+  When the world is black with warfare, then there's one thing you
+        must do:--
+  Set your teeth like steel, my hearties, and sit tight and see it through.
+
+  Oh, it's heavy work is fighting, but our soldiers do it well--
+  Lo, the booming of the batteries, the clatter of the shell!--
+  And it's weary work retiring, but they kept a dauntless front,
+  All our company of heroes who have borne the dreadful brunt.
+          They can meet the foe and beat him,
+          They can scatter and defeat him,
+  For they learnt a steady lesson (and they taught a lesson, too),
+  Having set their teeth in earnest and sat tight and seen it through.
+
+  Then their brothers trooped to join them, taking danger for a bride,
+  Not in insolence and malice, but in honour and in pride;
+  Caring nought to be recorded on the muster-roll of fame,
+  So they struck a blow for Britain and the glory of her name.
+          Toil and wounds could but delight them,
+          Death itself could not affright them,
+  Who went out to fight for freedom and the red and white and blue,
+  While they set their teeth as firm as flint and vowed to see it through.
+
+    R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPORTS AND EXPORTS.
+
+[_A German cargo of lead has been captured._]
+
+  It is not lost to you, so make no moan;
+    You shall receive it back, O Potsdam pundit;
+  We do but take a temporary loan,
+    Intending to refund it.
+
+  And goodly interest it shall not lack,
+    A generous rate per cent. for every particle;
+  We take the raw material, sending back
+    The manufactured article.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S HOLIDAY STORIES.
+
+V.--A HUNTING MORN.
+
+(_In the approved manner of the Sporting Feuilleton._)
+
+Setting his teeth determinedly, Ralph Wonderson swarmed up the
+Virginia-creeper until he reached the closely-shuttered window. Here he
+clung precariously with one hand while with the other he produced a
+gimlet and noiselessly bored two holes in the green shutters. Was he too
+late? The question shot through his brain. With a quick intake of breath
+he applied an eye to one hole and an ear to the other and watched and
+listened.
+
+In the lighted room before him sat Sir Ernest Scrivener (_alias_
+Marmaduke Moorsdyke) and a brutal-looking stranger. Sir Ernest was
+speaking.
+
+"Everything, I think, is ready," he said in his cold, level voice. "The
+wedding is to take place in the village church to-morrow at eleven. You,
+Ragley, will take up your position, disguised as a policeman, by the
+church porch, arrest Wonderson on a charge of arson, and detain him
+until I arrive, if I should not be already there. I have here the
+policeman's uniform complete. We are cub-hunting to-morrow morning, and
+at the proper moment I shall leave the hunt and make my way across to
+the church, provided with the forged warrant of arrest (which I shall,
+as a magistrate, hand to you), the forged death certificate of my
+present wife, and the forged special licence for the marriage of Lady
+Margaret Tamerton and myself. You will then rush Wonderson off in the
+motor which will be waiting, and I shall proceed to marry Lady Margaret.
+Yes--yes, everything is quite ready."
+
+"There's just one thing, Sir," said Ragley, "if you'll excuse me
+mentioning it. Supposing as how the lady refuses like."
+
+Sir Ernest tossed away his half-smoked cigar and smiled evilly.
+
+"That has been foreseen," he said. "The shock of Wonderson's arrest will
+cause her to feel faint. I shall have ready a bottle of smelling salts.
+I need not go into details ... drugs ... loss of will power ... you
+see...."
+
+The blood boiling in Ralph's ears prevented him from hearing more. Only
+the sight of the two murderous-looking revolvers on the table and the
+knowledge that he could not afford to take risks at this juncture
+stopped him from tearing open the shutters and dashing into the room.
+
+Sir Ernest rose to his feet and simultaneously Ralph slid down the
+creeper and regained _terra firma_. His mind was working rapidly.
+
+       * * *
+
+The meet of the Chingerley Hunt made a gay spectacle. The red coats of
+the men and the fascinating Parisian _toilettes_ of the ladies shone
+resplendently in the morning sunshine, while the champing of the horses'
+bits blended harmoniously with the choiring of numberless larks. Through
+the brilliant throng moved the Master, Sir Ernest Scrivener, bowing his
+greetings right and left as he passed.
+
+A few minutes before the hour fixed for the start the approach of a
+solitary horseman caused many eyebrows to lift in surprise, while Sir
+Ernest for an instant went white to the teeth. Then he laughed
+scornfully.
+
+"Why, Wonderson!" cried one of the Hunt. "What on earth are you doing
+here? I understood you were being married this morning."
+
+"That is so," replied Ralph easily. "But I see no reason why I shouldn't
+hunt first. DRAKE, you know, played bowls during a crisis, and NERO
+fiddled."
+
+As he spoke he watched Sir Ernest narrowly. The Master was making his
+way towards the iron cage in which the fox cub was imprisoned. Ralph
+edged his horse insensibly nearer.
+
+Amid the eager plaudits of the Hunt Sir Ernest leaned down from his
+saddle and raised the catch with a flourish. As he did so a packet of
+papers fell from his breast pocket.
+
+In a flash the released cub had pounced upon the papers and carried them
+off in his mouth. With a savage oath Sir Ernest plunged his spurs into
+his horse's flanks and gave chase. Ralph, perceiving instantly what had
+happened and guessing the all-important nature of the papers, was by him
+in a stride. Side by side the pair thundered along, while behind them
+the hounds and hunters streamed out in a confused and glittering medley.
+They were off! The hunt was up.
+
+Crouching low on the necks of their panting steeds, the two protagonists
+swept forward, plying remorselessly whip and spur, curb and snaffle. For
+a time neither gained an inch. Then, without warning, the fox doubled.
+With a single turn of his iron wrist Ralph wrenched his horse round
+without the loss of a second, but as he glanced back over his shoulder
+he perceived that the Master was only twenty yards behind. Ralph
+redoubled his efforts, his eyes glued to the white bundle clenched in
+the cub's dripping jaws.
+
+Through field and farmyard, by barn and byre, over rick and river, they
+sped, and ever the gap between the fox and Ralph lessened, while the gap
+between Ralph and Sir Ernest grew wider, and the savage baying of the
+hounds, mingled with the frenzied view halloos of the Hunt, receded
+further into the distance. Never had the Chingerley Hunt known such a
+chase.
+
+At last Ralph recognized that his chance had come. Leaning over his
+horse's ears, he took careful aim and slashed out with his long whip.
+Unerringly the lash coiled round the papers and jerked them from the
+fox's mouth. A single glance showed him that they were, as he had
+anticipated, the forged documents.
+
+Two minutes later Sir Ernest found the exhausted fox lying insensible by
+the roadside. Glancing up, he perceived Ralph vanishing over the crest
+of a hill.
+
+"Curse him!" he muttered savagely. "Curse him! I must and will overtake
+him before he reaches the church or the game is up. If I take a short
+cut under the hill I can outwit him yet. Curse him again!"
+
+Mercilessly lashing his foaming horse, he galloped in the direction of
+the church. As he rode a sense of the urgency of the situation grew upon
+him. If he arrived first, Wonderson could be arrested, if necessary at
+the pistol's point, before he entered the churchyard, and the papers
+recovered. If he was too late.... He plunged his spurs an inch deep into
+his weary mount.
+
+At length the desperate Mazeppa-like dash was over. As he shot through
+the lych-gate Sir Ernest breathed a sigh of relief. A policeman stood by
+the church porch awaiting him. Wonderson had been beaten.
+
+With an ugly laugh of triumph he swung himself from the horse. Stolidly
+the constable turned to face him. Sir Ernest gave one startled
+exclamation as he saw, not Ragley, but a stranger. He had been
+forestalled.
+
+The heavy hand of a second policeman fell on his shoulder from behind.
+
+"Sir Ernest Scrivener," said a voice solemnly, "I arrest you on a charge
+of forgery, and I advise you to come quietly."
+
+Sir Ernest glanced round and saw that he was completely surrounded by
+police.
+
+As the handcuffs clicked over his wrists there crashed above him the
+joyous clamour of wedding bells.
+
+       * * *
+
+Ralph Wonderson paused for a moment at the lych-gate, his lovely
+fair-haired bride clinging to his arm. Standing in the mellow beauty of
+the English landscape they made a memorable picture. A red-coated
+figure, covered with the stains of hard riding, approached them, bowing
+low. In his hand he held a magnificent fox's brush.
+
+"This has been unanimously awarded to you, Sir," he said, "as a memento
+of the finest ride in the annals of the Chingerley Hunt."
+
+And, as Ralph and his bride raised the brush to their lips, from the
+admiring throng which pressed about them went up that thrilling
+immemorial hunting chorus, "_Tally-ho! Yoicks forrard! Rah! Rah!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER MANIFESTO.
+
+We, the undersigned, having carefully considered the situation in all
+its bearings and applications, have come to the decision that it is no
+longer consonant with the self-respect of Englishmen to share a name
+with the great swollen-headed German aggressor--the despiser of
+treaties, the desecrator of Belgium and the foe of the liberty of the
+world. We therefore give notice that from now and henceforward we
+renounce the name of William in all its variations.
+
+  (_Signed_)
+
+    WILLIAM ARCHER.
+
+    WILLIAM ASHMEAD-BARTLETT.
+
+    WILLIAM BOOSEY.
+
+    BURGLAR BILL (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIE CLARKSON.
+
+    WILL CROOKS.
+
+    WILLIAM DE MORGAN.
+
+    WILL EVANS.
+
+    GULIELMO FERRERO.
+
+    WILLIAM GUNN.
+
+    WILLIAM KNIGHT.
+
+    WILLIAM LE QUEUX.
+
+    WILHELM MEISTER (Shade of).
+
+    BILLY MERSON.
+
+    WILLIAM OSLER.
+
+    WILLY POGANY.
+
+    WILLIAM RAMSAY.
+
+    WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM THE SILENT (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM STRANG.
+
+    BILL SIKES (Shade of).
+
+    WILLIAM WATSON.
+
+    WILLIAM WHITELEY, LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _A Pufflecombe Worthy speaks._ "YOU BE TELLING US, JAMES
+BUZZICOTT, 'BOUT THIS 'ERE LOOVANE THERE'S S'MUCH TARK OVER IN THE
+PAPERS, AN' THE DESTRUCTION OF A GRAN' OLE BUILDING. BUT WOT DO EE ZAY,
+JAMES BUZZICOTT, 'BOUT PUFFLECOMBE AND T'OLD 'BELL AN' HORNS' IF US BE
+INVADED? WOT DO EE ZAY 'BOUT THAT?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IT'S AN ILL WIND....
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I thought you would like to hear about the Intelligence
+Bureau which we have established at home since the War broke out. It is
+run on German lines and so far has been most successful, although there
+are serious risks.
+
+Clarence thought of it. He is my cleverest brother. He got the idea from
+a newspaper. Before the War we weren't allowed to read anything in the
+papers but the cricket scores, but now we may read all.
+
+The Bureau works like this. Clarence goes to mother and says, "May we go
+fishing this afternoon?" Mother says "No," and hurries off to the sewing
+meeting somewhere. They are all making things for soldiers, and
+soldiers' wives and children, and Belgian peasants. Briefly, when she's
+gone, Clarence writes on a piece of paper the fact that Mother has no
+objection to our fishing, shows it to our governess, and off we go.
+Isn't that clever of Germany? When mother returns she forgets to ask of
+the governess what we have been doing, and it is all right.
+
+The other week-end mother went away and wrote to Clarence that we were
+to be sure to go to the children's service on Sunday afternoon. Clarence
+read the letter aloud, and when it came to that part he said, instead of
+"children's service on Sunday afternoon," something about a picnic on
+Monday. That is what he calls editing, which is the special duty of an
+Intelligence Bureau.
+
+Hoping that other children may find our example useful,
+
+    I remain,
+    Yours truly,
+
+    BETH MANN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Return to Culture.
+
+"GERMANS FALLING BACK ON THE MUSE."
+
+_North Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMS AND THE WOMAN.
+
+I was working in the garden, tidying up after the weekly visit of the
+jobbing gardener, when Bolsover put his head over the hedge. "Heard
+about the Pottingers' governess?" he asked excitedly.
+
+"The Pottingers' governess?" I repeated. "No; what about her? Has she
+given them notice?"
+
+"Well, she's not exactly the Pottingers' governess," he replied, "but
+governess to some intimate friends of theirs named Ings living at
+Ponders End. Anyhow, I can absolutely vouch for the truth of the story."
+
+"Get on," I said. "Don't keep me on tenterhooks. What's she done?"
+
+"Why, the police have discovered that she's a German spy," said Bolsover
+mysteriously.
+
+"'Angels and ministers of grace de ---- '"
+
+"Yes," he went on, "she had been with them three years, teaching the
+children '_Ich bin geworden sein_,' and '_Hast du die Tochter des Loewen
+gesehen_,' and all that. It appears that the police called at the house
+one night recently and insisted on searching her room and her trunks.
+Mr. Ings protested; said they'd made a mistake, pledged his word on her
+honour and integrity, but all with no avail. They searched and
+found--what _do_ you think?"
+
+"I'll buy it," I said; "Uncle Jasper's coming to lunch with me. What did
+they find?"
+
+"It's no catch," protested Bolsover, "but the solid truth. They found in
+one of her trunks a German service-rifle and a quantity of ammunition."
+
+"Never!" I exclaimed.
+
+"Only once," retorted Bolsover. "She's now in a Concentration Camp near
+Hendon."
+
+I thought no more about the matter until midway through lunch. We were
+waiting for the _souffle_ when--
+
+"Have you heard that story about a German?" Uncle Jasper and I began
+simultaneously.
+
+"After you, Uncle," I said dutifully. "What were you going to say?"
+
+"I was about to ask you if you had heard the story of the Polworths'
+governess," he said.
+
+"No," I answered. "Tell me. You refer to the Polworths of Croydon?"
+
+"Exactly. Well, they--or rather some friends of theirs named Culverton,
+living at Purley--had a German governess who had been in the family for
+some years. A night or two ago the police----"
+
+But I needn't repeat it. In all essentials it was Bolsover's story over
+again, the only differences being that they found three bombs and that
+the governess was incarcerated at Horsham.
+
+In the afternoon I accompanied Uncle Jasper to the railway station. On
+my way home I met the Vicar, and we fell to discussing the war.
+Eventually the conversation got to espionage.
+
+"That reminds me," said the Vicar, "of a very strange case in the
+household of one of my parishioners--or it would be more correct to say
+that what I am going to tell you occurred in the house of a friend of
+his at Canterbury. However, the _bona fides_ of the facts is absolutely
+unimpeachable. It appears that----"
+
+And here followed another version of the governess episode, identical in
+all respects with those of Bolsover and Uncle Jasper, save only that the
+police found a loaded revolver and a plan of Chatham Dockyard, and that
+the woman had been deported.
+
+That same evening I dined at old Colonel Jevers', and when the ladies
+had withdrawn to the drawing-room our host began--
+
+"Talking about the war reminds me of a most extraordinary spy story I
+heard to-day about a German governess."
+
+All the men exchanged glances and smiled. The Colonel continued--"I can
+say at once that what I am going to tell you is authentic, for the
+events actually happened to the man who told me--I daresay some of you
+know Bickerton?--or rather to an old friend of his, which, under the
+circumstances, is practically the same thing. Well, this friend of
+Bickerton's, whose name was--"
+
+"Ings, Mullens, Doddridge, Finlayson," we all, except young Pitts,
+murmured _sotto voce_.
+
+"... Potherby, lived at--"
+
+"Ponders End, Woking, Cleckheaton, Norwich," we added in a similar
+manner.
+
+"... Maidstone, and for some time had had in his employ a German
+governess."
+
+And so the tale went on until the Colonel got to the searching of the
+trunk. "... and in it was found...."
+
+"A service-rifle, three bombs, a loaded revolver, plans of
+fortifications," we supplied as before.
+
+"... incriminating letters showing clearly that for years the woman had
+been in communication with the German Secret Service Bureau," concluded
+our host.
+
+Young Pitts left with me and walked to my house.
+
+"I didn't hear any asides from you while the Colonel was repeating that
+hoary old yarn," I said as we reached the gate. "Hadn't you heard it
+before?"
+
+"I heard it in the train this morning," Pitts answered.
+
+"You don't believe it, surely?"
+
+"Of course not. Amongst other reasons, because the man in whose house
+the events were supposed to have taken place happens, I know, to be a
+bachelor, and would not therefore require the services of a German
+governess."
+
+"Who was the person referred to in the version you heard?" I asked.
+
+"You," he replied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: _London Scot (proud of his English)._ "AW'LL BE HAME
+ABOOT EICHT O'CLOCK THE NICHT, AN'----"
+
+_Voice of Operator (obedient to Government instructions)._ "NO FOREIGN
+LANGUAGES, PLEASE."
+
+[_Cut off._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Footwork.
+
+    "In a comparatively short time now, summer gardens will have to be
+    overhauled, the bedding-out plants taken up, cuttings taken, and the
+    ground prepared for next spring's display; all of which will be
+    labour usually regarded as _manual_, but which is well within the
+    capabilities of a strong intelligent woman."--_Country Life._
+
+Who would of course regard such labour as womanual.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Forming a hollow square in front of Webbe Tent, Lord Grenfell
+    addressed the corps, and complimented them on the work they had done
+    and their smart appearance."
+
+    _The Contingent._
+
+After which the C.O., on behalf of the corps, complimented Lord GRENFELL
+on forming a hollow square.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: SEASIDE MINSTREL, SUSPECTED OF BEING AN ALIEN, IS MADE TO
+REMOVE THE BLACK FROM HIS FACE FOR PURPOSES OF IDENTIFICATION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IMPERIAL FAVOURS.
+
+We read with very great interest the official and authentic information
+circulated by the Wolff Agency with regard to the status of the Austrian
+_Landsturm_. From this we learn that "on account of its gallant conduct"
+(attended apparently by disastrous results) the Emperor FRANCIS JOSEPH
+has granted it permission to serve outside Austria. This is a gracious
+concession which will no doubt be very highly appreciated by the
+_Landsturm_; but one trifling difficulty seems to stand in the way. To
+be frank, we do not quite see how they are going to get outside. At
+least it would be well for them to take steps before it is too late.
+Events have not facilitated the journey _via_ Lemburg, or that _via_
+Sarajevo. We know it would be a cruel disappointment if they found
+themselves debarred from enjoying this exceptional boon. Perhaps they
+might try the emergency exit to Italy, where a warm reception would
+await them.
+
+Meanwhile the idea has been taken up by FRANCIS JOSEPH'S brother
+Emperor, who never likes to miss a good thing. We understand that he has
+granted to the German Fleet--on account of its gallant conduct in the
+Kiel Canal--permission to serve outside in the North Sea and also in the
+Solent. We need hardly add that the news has been received with the
+utmost geniality by the British Fleet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nasty Accident to Divine.
+
+    "Cardinal Vanutelli, the doyen of the Papal Conclave, has had the
+    misfortune to break his conclave."--_Liverpool Echo._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Attack on the Press.
+
+    "The Antwerp correspondent of the 'Telegraaf' states that yesterday,
+    between Termonde and Ghent, German soldiers fired upon a train full
+    of Reuter."--_Birmingham Daily Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a poster:--
+
+    "WHAT WE HAVE
+      TO OFFER
+       ITALY.
+
+    _The Globe._"
+
+This is, of course, a rhetorical exaggeration. Actually it would be a
+small piece of Austria.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Confession.
+
+From a letter in _The Globe_ on the liberty allowed to German
+prisoners:--
+
+    "With Portland and Weymouth almost within artillery range the thing
+    seems monstrous. Who is responsible?--I am, &c., MIDDLE TEMPLAR."
+
+Then we hope Middle Templar is ashamed of himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO LIMEHOUSE.
+
+  Eastward the buzzing tram-car dips
+    Adown Commercial Road,
+  Till you may see the masts of ships,
+    With all their canvas stowed,
+      Stand o'er the house-tops, high
+        Against blue sky;
+      And thus Romance doth stray,
+        Mid work-a-day.
+
+  O drabbest of all penny fares!
+    Yet may you catch a glimpse
+  Of little dusty courts and squares
+    Where little dusty imps
+      Play by the plane-trees there,
+        Squalid, un-fair--
+      If these a child or tree
+        Could ever be.
+
+  The trams they go with hoot and lurch
+    Long miles, through glare and grime,
+  With here and there a dim cool church
+    Wide open all the time;
+      Where on this lovely day
+        Folk stop to pray
+      That wars, at length, may cease
+        And we have peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Stamping Out the Enemy.
+
+    "With German factories paralysed and the cold grip of the British
+    Feet about her throat, Germany, it is argued, must bring the war to
+    a close before starvation conquers her."
+
+    _Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I confess that I did not foretell the present state of affairs, and I
+refuse to believe anyone else who professes to have done so unless he
+can produce his prophecy in writing. _Germany and England_ (MURRAY),
+however, puts the late Professor J. A. CRAMB definitely among the few
+and persistent prophets who should long ago have been very much more
+honoured in their own country. The book is a _resume_ of lectures
+delivered in London in the early part of 1913, and it was first
+published a few months ago. The present reprint proves the lecturer to
+have been wiser before the event than many of us are even while the
+event is happening. Had he lived to see "the day," he would certainly
+have revised his incidental opinions of French competence and Russian
+honesty, British resource, and the utility of the Territorial; he would
+have willingly praised what he has somewhat hastily derided. His theme,
+however, is not criticism of the Allies, but appraisement of Germany;
+and his arguments, simply but eloquently expressed, should be very
+closely regarded by those haphazard optimists who suppose this War to be
+the personal prank of a braggart Kaiser, doomed to an immediate failure
+for want of his subjects' support. I have devoured more pages of printed
+matter since this trouble began than I care to think about, but from the
+whole lot I have had less enlightenment than from this half-crown
+volume; I have learnt exactly what is taking place--and why--from one
+who, unhappily, died before any of the existing wars was declared.
+Clearly the days of miracles are not yet dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+No doubt you already know the work of Mr. H. F. PREVOST BATTERSBY
+(FRANCIS PREVOST) in "another place," _i.e._, on the battlefield, where
+as a war-correspondent he has proved himself a keen observer and an
+accomplished master of style. But he can also write romances uncommonly
+well. His latest, _The Lure of Romance_ (LANE), displays once more
+exactly the qualities that have brought its author previous renown--an
+appreciative eye and a ready pen for the dramatic and picturesque
+aspects of a big fight. He knows exactly what a bullet sounds like as it
+whistles over the head of the person to whom it was addressed; and as no
+doubt many of us are taking an unusual interest in bullets just now
+there should be a large public for a story that is so largely concerned
+with them. On its own merits as a tale it is bustling and picturesque
+enough. The scene of it is laid in a South American Republic (that
+useful variant on Ruritania), and the plot deals with the rescue of the
+charming daughters of a rapscallion President, threatened by local
+revolutionaries. Naturally, therefore, there is some shooting--in the
+American sense--all of which bears the sign of expert handling. The
+affair ends with a really thrilling climax, in which _Doyne_, the
+engineer and chief hero, confounds the politics of his enemies by
+letting loose a reservoir upon them. This is great fun. Especially as
+the contents of the reservoir, on its way down through a
+mountain-jungle, brought along with it what Mr. BATTERSBY pleasantly
+calls "clattering carapes of gigantic crabs." A truly gripping finish!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE PICNIC, SEPTEMBER, 1914.
+
+_Anxious Mother._ "I HOPE WE'VE FORGOTTEN NOTHING, FRED?--SANDWICHES,
+SPIRIT LAMP, SUGAR, TEA, MILK, JAM, AMMUNITION, KNIVES, FORKS, REPEATING
+RIFLE, PICKLES, BARBED WIRE, &C., &C."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It would seem a far cry from the clash of armies to the romance of a
+honeymoon spent on a raft _de luxe_ drifting lazily down a river of
+Burma. That is the theme of _Love's Legend_ (CONSTABLE), by Mr. FIELDING
+HALL, author of _The Soul of a People_. But there may be a war of sex
+with sex scarcely less tragic than the wars of men with men (or brutes).
+The author shows us an oldish husband--a civil servant--who surmounts,
+with not too much indelicacy, the primary difficulty of his young wife's
+ingenuousness in relation to the sacrament of marriage. But a further
+and worse difficulty is waiting for him when he comes to deal with the
+incompatibility of the sexes in the matter of moral standards. The
+thing, of course, has been done once for all by LOUIS STEVENSON in
+_Virginibus Puerisque_. But he did it in essay form; here we have the
+piquancy of personal narrative and dialogue. Husband and wife in turn
+are responsible for the story, each assuming a partial attitude towards
+facts and opinions; or else it is one of his old friends (a source of
+foolish jealousy to the wife) who takes up the tale without warning when
+they meet at some riverside station. This means a pleasant variety of
+styles, and there is a certain childlike freshness about the method by
+which the husband adapts himself to his wife's intelligence, presenting
+his more difficult arguments in the form of fairy-tales--a habit which
+the author may, for all I know, have assimilated through intercourse
+with the local native. All goes badly, and things began to threaten an
+_impasse_, when one foggy night the raft is cut in two by a paddle-boat
+and the pair get separated and nearly killed. They are so pleased to be
+restored to one another alive that they tacitly agree to waive their
+differences. It is perhaps rather a puerile _denouement_, and not likely
+to be very helpful to the newly-wedded public. There must be very few
+couples who can count on having their elemental differences healed by
+means of a collision between a honeymoon raft and a paddle-steamer on a
+Burmese river. All the same I commend the book, for it has a charm of
+manner that will appeal to all. As for its matter, half of it will seem
+sound to you if you are a male, and most irritating if you are a female;
+and the other way about with the other half. Personally, being a man, I
+thought the woman wanted smacking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    The new German National Anthem (we hope):--_Deutschland unter Allies._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are living in unsettled times. St. Petersburg has become Petrograd,
+and now we read in _The Yorkshire Observer_ that "The Bradford Baths
+Committee have decided to alter the name of the Central Baths to 'The
+Kursaal.'" What next?
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+147, SEPTEMBER 16, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 27440.txt or 27440.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/7/4/4/27440
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/27440.zip b/27440.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d3e42a2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/27440.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1079e8c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #27440 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/27440)