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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cheerful Smugglers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cheerful Smugglers
+
+Author: Ellis Parker Butler
+
+Illustrator: May Wilson Preston
+
+Release Date: November 23, 2008 [EBook #27317]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHEERFUL SMUGGLERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ The
+ Cheerful Smugglers
+
+ By
+
+ Ellis Parker Butler
+
+ Author of "Confessions of a Daddy,"
+ "Pigs is Pigs," etc.
+
+ With illustrations by
+ May Wilson Preston
+
+ New York
+ The Century Co.
+ 1908
+
+
+
+
+ Copyright, 1908, by
+ THE CENTURY CO.
+
+ Copyright, 1907, by
+ The Phelps Publishing Co.
+
+ _Published, May, 1908_
+
+ THE DE VINNE PRESS
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "'We ought to have a domestic tariff'"]
+
+
+
+
+Contents
+
+
+ CHAPTER                                                    PAGE
+
+    I THE FENELBY TARIFF                                      3
+
+   II THE BOX OF BON-BONS                                    34
+
+  III KITTY'S TRUNKS                                         57
+
+   IV BILLY                                                  91
+
+    V THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST                                  110
+
+   VI BRIDGET                                               139
+
+  VII THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE                                 158
+
+ VIII THE FIELD OF DISHONOR                                 189
+
+   IX BOBBERTS INTERVENES                                   206
+
+    X TARIFF REFORM                                         229
+
+   XI THE COUP D'ÉTAT                                       251
+
+
+
+
+List of Illustrations
+
+
+ "'We ought to have a domestic tariff'"           _Frontispiece_
+
+                                                            PAGE
+
+ "She was busy with Bobberts"                                27
+
+ Bobberts                                                    39
+
+ "Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom"         55
+
+ "Never in the history of trunks was the
+ act of unpacking done so quickly or
+ so recklessly"                                              81
+
+ "With all the grace of a Sandow"                            87
+
+ "'I declare one collar'"                                   103
+
+ "When the 6:02 pulled in"                                  193
+
+
+
+
+The Cheerful Smugglers
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+THE FENELBY TARIFF
+
+
+Bobberts was the baby, and ever since Bobberts was born--and that
+was nine months next Wednesday, and just look what a big, fat boy he
+is now!--his parents had been putting all their pennies into a
+little pottery pig, so that when Bobberts reached the proper age he
+could go to college. The money in the little pig bank was
+officially known as "Bobberts' Education Fund," and next to Bobberts
+himself was the thing in the house most talked about. It was "Tom,
+dear, have you put your pennies in the bank this evening?" or "I
+say, Laura, how about Bobberts' pennies to-day. Are you holding out
+on him?" And then, when they came to count the contents of the bank,
+there were only twenty-three dollars and thirty-eight cents in it
+after nine months of faithful penny contributions.
+
+That was how Fenelby, who had a great mind for such things, came to
+think of the Fenelby tariff. It was evident that the penny system
+could not be counted on to pile up a sum large enough to see
+Bobberts through Yale and leave a margin big enough for him to live
+on while he was getting firmly established in his profession,
+whatever that profession might be. What was needed in the Fenelby
+family was a system that would save money for Bobberts gently and
+easily, and that would not be easy to forget nor be too palpable a
+strain on the Fenelby income. Something that would make them save in
+spite of themselves; not a direct tax, but what you might call an
+indirect tax--and right there was where and how the idea came to
+Fenelby.
+
+"That's the idea!" he said to Mrs. Fenelby. "That is the very
+thing we want! An indirect tax, just as this nation pays its taxes,
+and the tariff is the very thing! It's as simple as A B C. The
+nation charges a duty on everything that comes into the country;
+_we_ will charge a duty on everything that comes into the house,
+and the money goes into Bobberts' education fund. We won't miss the
+money that way. That's the beauty of an indirect tax: you don't know
+you are paying it. The government collects a little on one thing
+that is imported, and a little on another, and no one cares,
+because the amount is so small on each thing, and yet look at the
+total--hundreds of millions of dollars!"
+
+"Goodness!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "Can we save that much for
+Bobberts? Of course, not hundreds of millions; but if we could save
+even one hundred thousand dollars--"
+
+"Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "I don't believe you understand what I
+mean. If you would pay a little closer attention when I am
+explaining things you would understand better. A tariff doesn't make
+money out of nothing. How could we save a hundred thousand dollars
+out of my salary, when the whole salary is only twenty-five hundred
+dollars a year, and we spend every cent of it?"
+
+"But, Tom dear," said Mrs. Fenelby, "how can I help spending it? You
+know I am just as economical as I can be. You said yourself that we
+couldn't live on a cent less than we are spending. You know I would
+be only _too_ glad to save, if I could, and I didn't get that new
+dress until you just begged and begged me to get it, and--"
+
+"I know," said Mr. Fenelby, kindly. "I think you do wonders with
+that twenty-five hundred. I don't see how you do it; I couldn't.
+And that is just why I say we ought to have a domestic tariff. I
+don't see how we can ever save enough to send Bobberts to college
+unless we have some system. We spend every cent of my twenty-five
+hundred dollars every year, and we could never in the world take two
+hundred and fifty dollars out of it at one time and put it in the
+bank for Bobberts, could we? We never have two hundred and fifty
+dollars at one time. And yet two hundred and fifty dollars is only
+ten per cent. of my yearly salary. But if I buy a cigar for ten
+cents it would be no hardship for me to put a cent in the bank for
+Bobberts, would it? Not a bit! And if you buy an ice cream soda; it
+would not cramp our finances to put a cent in the bank for each
+soda, would it? And yet a cent is ten per cent. of a dime."
+
+"That is very simple and very easy," said Mrs. Fenelby, "and I think
+it would be a very good plan. I think we ought to begin at once."
+
+"So do I," said Mr. Fenelby. "But we don't want to begin a thing
+like this and then let it slip from our minds after a day or two. If
+the government did that the nation's revenue would all fade away. We
+ought to go at it in a business-like way, just as the United States
+would do it. We ought to write it down, and then live up to it. Now,
+I'll write it down."
+
+Mr. Fenelby went to his desk and took a seat before it. He opened
+the desk and pulled from beneath the pile of loose papers and tissue
+patterns with which it was littered the large blankbook in which
+Mrs. Fenelby, in one of her spurts of economical system, had once
+begun a record of household expenditures--a bothersome business that
+lasted until she had to foot up the first week's figures, and then
+stopped. There were plenty of blank leaves in the book. Mr. Fenelby
+dipped his pen in the ink. Mrs. Fenelby took up her sewing, and
+began to stitch a seam. Bobberts lay asleep on the lounge at the
+other side of the room.
+
+Mr. Fenelby was not over thirty. His chubby, smiling face radiated
+enthusiasm, and if he was not very tall he had a noble forehead that
+rounded up to meet the baldness that began so far back that his hat
+showed a little half-moon of baldness at the back. He looked
+cheerfully at the world through rather strong spectacles, and
+everyone said how much he looked like Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby was
+younger, but she took a much more matter-of-fact view of life and
+things, and Mr. Fenelby never ceased congratulating himself on
+having married her. "My wife Laura," he would say to his friends,
+"has great executive ability. She is a wonder. I let her attend to
+the little details." The truth was that she managed him, and managed
+the house, and managed all their affairs. She took to the management
+naturally and Mr. Fenelby did not know that he was being managed.
+They were very happy.
+
+Mr. Fenelby turned toward his wife suddenly, still holding his pen
+in his hand. He had not written a word, but his face glowed.
+
+"I tell you, Laura!" he exclaimed. "This is the best idea we have
+had since we were married! It is a big idea! What we ought to
+do--what we _will_ do--is to have a family congress and adopt this
+tariff in the right way, and write it down. That is what we will
+do--and then, any time we want to change the tariff we will have a
+session of the family congress, and vote on it."
+
+"That will be nice, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, biting off her thread,
+but not looking up. Mr. Fenelby turned back to his blankbook. He
+dipped his pen in the ink again, and hesitated.
+
+"How would it do," he asked, turning to Laura again, "to call it
+the 'United States of Fenelby?' Or the 'Commonwealth of Fenelby?'
+No!" he exclaimed, "I'll tell you what we will call it--we will call
+it the 'Commonwealth of Bobberts,' for that is what it is. 'The
+Domestic Tariff of the Commonwealth of Bobberts!'"
+
+"Yes," said Mrs. Fenelby, holding up her sewing and looking at it
+with her head tilted to one side, "that will be nice."
+
+Mr. Fenelby wrote it in his blankbook, at the top of the first blank
+page.
+
+"Fine!" said Mr. Fenelby, growing more enthusiastic as the idea
+expanded in his mind. "And the congress will be composed of
+everyone in the family. No taxation without representation, you
+know--that is the American way of doing things. Everything that
+comes into the house has to pay a duty, so everyone in the family
+has a vote, and every so often the congress will meet in the parlor
+here--"
+
+"Does Bobberts have a vote?" asked Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Ah--well, Bobberts is hardly old enough, you know," said Mr.
+Fenelby hesitatingly. "We will--No," he said with sudden
+inspiration, "Bobberts will not have a vote. Bobberts will be a
+Territory! That is it. Grown-ups will be States and infants will be
+Territories. Bobberts can't vote, but he can attend the meetings of
+congress and he can have a voice in the debates. He can oppose any
+measure with his voice--"
+
+"I should think he could!" said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+Mr. Fenelby turned to his desk and wrote in the book a brief outline
+of the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby
+creased a tuck into the little dress she was making. She did it by
+pinning one end of the sheer linen to her knee and then running her
+thumb up and down the folded tuck. Suddenly the door opened and
+Bridget entered with aggressive quietness. She was a plain faced
+Irishwoman, and the way she wore her hair, straight back from her
+brow, had in itself an air of constant readiness to do battle for
+her rights. When she was noisy her noise was a challenge, and when
+she was quiet her quietness was full of mute assertiveness. It was
+as if, when she wished to enter a room quietly, she was not content
+to enter it quietly and be satisfied with that, but first prepared
+for it by draping herself in strings of cow-bells and sleigh-bells,
+and then entered on tip-toe with painful care.
+
+"Missus Fenelby, ma'am," said Bridget, in a loud whisper, "would ye
+be havin' th' milkman lave wan or two quarts ov milk in th'
+mornin'?"
+
+"Why, Bridget," said Mrs. Fenelby, "haven't I told you we _always_
+want two quarts?"
+
+"Yis, ma'am," said Bridget. "An' ye can't say that ye haven't got
+thim iv'ry mornin', either. If ye can, an' wish t' say it, ma'am, ye
+may as well say it now as another toime. I may have me faults,
+ma'am--"
+
+"You have always attended to the milkman just as I wished," said
+Mrs. Fenelby, cheerfully. "Exactly as I wanted you to," she added,
+for Bridget still waited. "And we will continue to get two quarts a
+day."
+
+"Very well, ma'am," whispered Bridget. "I was just thinkin' mebby ye
+had changed yer moind about how much t' git. It is all th' same t'
+me, Missus Fenelby, ma'am, how much ye git. I am not wan of thim
+that don't allow th' lady ov th' house t' change her moind if she
+wants to. I take no offince if she changes her moind. I am used t'
+sich goin's on, ma'am, an' I know my place an' don't wish t'
+dictate. Wan quart or two quarts or three quarts is all th' same t'
+me."
+
+"Bridget," said Mrs. Fenelby, laying down her sewing, "do we need
+three quarts of milk?"
+
+"No, ma'am," said Bridget.
+
+"Well," asked Mrs. Fenelby, "are two quarts too much?"
+
+"No, ma'am," said Bridget. "But if ye wanted t' change yer moind--"
+
+"Not at all!" said Mrs. Fenelby, kindly but firmly. "Good-night,
+Bridget."
+
+Bridget backed out of the door, and Mr. Fenelby, who had kept his
+head close to his book, turned to his wife with a frown on his brow.
+
+"What is it, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, after a fleeting glance at
+his face.
+
+"Laura," he said, "what shall we do with Bridget?"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby looked up quickly. She quite forgot her sewing.
+
+"Do with Bridget?" she asked. "What _do_ you mean, Tom? Has Bridget
+said anything about leaving? And I was only this afternoon
+congratulating myself on how good she was! I declare I don't know
+what this world is going to do for servants--we pay Bridget more
+than anyone in this town, I know we do, and treat her like one
+of the family, almost, and now she is going to leave! It's
+discouraging! When did she tell you she was going to leave?"
+
+"Leave?" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "I never thought of such a thing. I
+was only wondering what to do with her in--in the Commonwealth of
+Bobberts."
+
+"Oh!" cried Mrs. Fenelby, with a sigh of profound relief. She took
+up her sewing again, and bent her head over it. "Is that all! Of
+course Bridget expects to be treated like one of the family. I told
+her when she came that I always treated my maids as part of the
+family."
+
+"But we can't have Bridget come in and sit with us whenever we have
+a session of congress," said Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"Certainly not!" said Mrs. Fenelby, very decidedly. "I wouldn't
+think of such a thing!"
+
+"So she can't be a State," said Mr. Fenelby, "and if we made her a
+Territory it would be as bad. She could come in and talk. She would
+insist on talking."
+
+"And if we did not let her," said Mrs. Fenelby, "she would leave,
+and I know we could never get another girl as good as Bridget."
+
+"Now you get some idea of the hard work our forefathers had when
+they made the United States," said Mr. Fenelby, rising and walking
+up and down the room. "But of course they had no case like Bridget.
+Bridget is more like a--more like the Philippines. Well!" he
+exclaimed, "it is a wonder I didn't think of that in the first
+place!"
+
+"What, dear?" asked his wife.
+
+"That Bridget is a colony," said Mr. Fenelby. "That is just what she
+is! She is a foreign possession, controlled by the nation, but
+having no voice in its affairs. She can pay taxes, but she can't
+vote."
+
+He hurriedly wrote the final words of the Constitution of the
+Commonwealth of Bobberts in his book and drew a line underneath it,
+for Bobberts was showing signs of awakening. Under the line Mr.
+Fenelby wrote "First Session of Congress."
+
+Bobberts awoke in a good humor, ready for his evening meal, and Mrs.
+Fenelby put aside her sewing and took him.
+
+"I am glad Bobberts is awake," said Mr. Fenelby, "because now we can
+go ahead and vote on the tariff. I wouldn't like to do it if he was
+not present, because he has a right to take part in the debate, and
+it would not be fair to hold the first session without a full
+representation. Now, suppose we make the duty on all goods and
+things brought into the house an even ten per cent.?"
+
+[Illustration: "She was busy with Bobberts"]
+
+"That would be nice," said Mrs. Fenelby, absently, for she was busy
+with Bobberts. "How much is ten per cent. of twenty-five hundred
+dollars, Tom?"
+
+"Two hundred and fifty," said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what we
+ought to save for Bobberts every year. Ten per cent. will just do
+it."
+
+He had his pen ready to write it in the book, when a new difficulty
+came to mind.
+
+"Laura!" he exclaimed. "Ten per cent. will not do it! What about the
+rent? We spend fifty dollars a month for rent, and that is nothing
+we bring into the house. And theater tickets, when you go to town
+and buy them there and use them before you come home. And my
+lunches. And my club dues. And your pew rent. And ice cream sodas.
+And all that sort of thing. We couldn't collect a cent of duty on
+any of those things, because we don't bring them into the house. Ten
+per cent. is not enough. We ought to make it at least--"
+
+He figured roughly on a sheet of paper, while the other State and
+the Territory attended strictly to their occupation of feeding the
+Territory.
+
+"I should say, roughly speaking," said Mr. Fenelby, "that to raise
+two hundred and fifty dollars a year we ought to make the duty
+sixteen and three-quarters per cent., but I don't think that is
+advisable. It would be too hard to figure. I might be able to do it,
+Laura, but if you bought a waist for one dollar and ninety-eight
+cents, and had to figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. on it,
+I don't believe you could do it."
+
+"The idea!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "I would never think of buying a
+waist for one dollar and ninety-eight cents. I try to be economical,
+Tom, but you know you always like me to look well, and those cheap
+waists do not look well, and they are really dearer in the long run,
+because they get out of shape in a few days, and never wear well,
+anyway. The very cheapest waist I have bought for years was that one
+I got for three dollars and forty-seven cents, and I could have done
+much better if I had bought the goods and made it up myself."
+
+"Ah--yes," said Mr. Fenelby, hesitatingly. "I am afraid you did not
+just catch my meaning, Laura. It does not make any difference
+whether the waist costs one dollar and ninety-eight cents or twelve
+dollars and sixty-three cents. I mean that it would be a hard job to
+figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. of it. Suppose we leave
+the duty at ten per cent. on necessities, and make it thirty per
+cent. on luxuries? That ought to make it come out about two hundred
+and fifty dollars a year, and if it does not we can have a meeting
+of congress any time and raise the duty."
+
+"That would be very nice," said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+So it was decided that the tariff duty on necessities was to be ten
+per cent., and that on luxuries it should be thirty per cent., and
+Mr. Fenelby wrote down in the book these facts, and the Fenelby
+Tariff was in effect.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+THE BOX OF BON-BONS
+
+
+The financial arrangements of the Fenelbys were extremely simple.
+Every week Mr. Fenelby received his salary and brought every cent of
+it home to Laura. Out of this she handed him back a sum that was
+unvaryingly the same, and with this Mr. Fenelby paid his car-fares,
+bought his evening papers, his cigars, and such other little things
+as a man finds necessary. It was a very small sum, and Mr. Fenelby
+could not have afforded the pleasures of a club, nor many other
+things he did afford, had he not been able to add to his purse by
+writing occasional bits of fiction and jokes for the lighter
+magazines. Some months this additional money amounted to quite a
+sum, and when it more than paid his expenses, he would make Laura a
+little present, but it was understood that this money was his, and
+that it was something quite outside the regular income of the
+family, and not to be counted on for household expenses. The result
+was that sometimes Mr. Fenelby had quite a sum in his pockets, and
+sometimes he had hard work to make his car-fare money last through
+the week.
+
+But one thing he never neglected was to bring home to his wife a box
+of bon-bons every Saturday evening, and one of the things that Mrs.
+Fenelby flaunted before her female friends was the fact that
+although she had been married for five years Tom never missed the
+box of candy. This was the visible sign that his love had not
+declined, and that he still had a lover's thoughtfulness.
+
+On the Friday after the Fenelby Tariff had been adopted, Mr. Fenelby
+came home with a box of cigars under his arm. It was his usual box
+of twenty-five, and the usual brand, for which he paid ten cents
+each, and after he had kissed Laura he gaily deposited twenty-five
+cents in Bobberts' bank. This was the first money he had put in the
+bank under the new tariff laws, and he took an especial pleasure in
+depositing it. Mrs. Fenelby had put many pennies and nickels in the
+bank during the week, because she had had to buy a number of things
+from the vegetable man, and others.
+
+"How much did you put in, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, as she heard
+the coin rattle down among its fellows.
+
+"A quarter," said Mr. Fenelby, gaily. "I tell you, Laura, that boy
+will soon have a lot of money if it keeps coming in at that rate. A
+quarter here, and a quarter there! It is amazing how it mounts up."
+
+"Yes," she answered. "But shouldn't you put in seventy-five cents,
+Tom? Cigars are a luxury, aren't they? And you know you said
+luxuries were thirty per cent."
+
+Mr. Fenelby turned quickly.
+
+"Nonsense!" he said. "Any man will tell you that cigars are an
+absolute necessity. Just as much so as food or drink or clothing.
+Every one knows that, Laura."
+
+[Illustration: Bobberts]
+
+"Why, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "you told me, only last night, when I
+merely hinted that you were smoking too much, that you could quit
+any minute you chose, and that it had no hold on you whatever. You
+said you only smoked a little for the pleasure it gave you, and that
+there was no danger at all of its ever becoming a necessity to you.
+Of course, I don't care, for myself, what you put in the bank, but I
+should not think you would want to rob poor little Bobberts of what
+he really should have, just because you can twist out of it by
+claiming--"
+
+There were signs of tears, and Mr. Fenelby cheerfully stepped up
+and dropped fifty cents more into the bank. It was one of his
+periods of plenty, and he would have been willing to put dollars
+into the bank, instead of quarters, rather than have Laura think he
+was trying to defraud Bobberts. He explained to Laura that all he
+wanted to know was what he really ought to pay, and then he would
+pay it cheerfully. Probably all men are like that. They only want to
+have their taxes assessed fairly, and they will pay them joyfully.
+One of the prettiest sights imaginable is to see the tax-payers
+gleefully crowding to pay their taxes. I say imaginable, because it
+is one of the sights that has to be imagined.
+
+The next evening was warm, and Bobberts was sleeping nicely, so Mrs.
+Fenelby walked part of the way to the station to meet Tom when he
+came home, and her eyes brightened when she saw the square parcel
+that she knew to be the box of candy, in his hand. He kissed her,
+right there on the street, as suburban husbands are not ashamed to
+do, and put the box of candy in her hand.
+
+"And what do you think my news is?" he asked, after he had asked
+about Bobberts. "Brother Bill is coming to make us that visit that
+he has been promising for ever so long--"
+
+"Tom!" cried Laura. "And what do you think my news is? Kitty is
+coming to spend two weeks with us! Isn't that the jolliest thing you
+ever heard of? Both coming at the same time! I wonder if they--"
+
+"Well," said Tom, who generally had a pretty clear idea of what
+Laura meant to say next, "if they did fall in love with each other,
+it would not be such a bad match. Your cousin Kitty is as nice as
+any girl I know, and I rather think Billy isn't such a bad sort.
+Anyway, they will make it pleasant for each other."
+
+"It will brighten us up all around to have them here," said Mrs.
+Fenelby. "I wonder whether we ought to make them pay tariff on
+things. That was the first thing I thought of, when I read that
+Kitty meant to visit us. It does seem a little like inhospitality,
+to make them pay tariff."
+
+"Not a bit!" said Tom. "They will like it. It will be a lot of fun
+for them, and you know it will, Laura. Would we like to be left out
+of anything of that kind if we were visiting any one? Of course not.
+I don't know Kitty as well as you do, but speaking for Billy I can
+say that he would be mighty hurt if we did not treat him just as we
+treat the rest of the family. He will think it is a jolly game."
+
+"I am not afraid of how Kitty will take it, when I tell her it is
+all for the benefit of Bobberts. She will be wild about the tariff.
+The only thing I am afraid of is that she will go and buy things she
+doesn't need or want, just in order that she can put money in
+Bobberts' bank," said Mrs. Fenelby. "I told Bridget about the tariff
+to-day, and she was so interested! Every one I tell about it thinks
+it is a splendid idea, and wonders how you could think of it."
+
+"I do think of some things that other people do not think of," said
+Mr. Fenelby, rather proudly; "but that is because I accustom myself
+to use my brains."
+
+"But it is surprising how a little thing like this tariff counts
+up!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "My bills this week were fourteen dollars,
+and I had to put a dollar and forty cents into Bobberts' bank, and
+then I had to pay Bridget's month's wages to-day, but I didn't have
+to pay any tariff on that, and I had to pay the gas bill, too; but I
+didn't have to pay any tariff on that, thank goodness--"
+
+"Of course you have to pay tariff on the gas bill!" exclaimed Mr.
+Fenelby. "The gas came into the house, didn't it?"
+
+"But you said I didn't have to pay tariff on the rent bill," argued
+Laura; "and the rent bill is just as much a bill as the gas bill is.
+You know very well, Tom, that we always figure on those three things
+as if they were just alike--the rent, and the gas, and Bridget,--and
+I don't see why, if there is a tariff on gas why there should not be
+one on rent."
+
+"Rent isn't a thing that comes into the house," explained Mr.
+Fenelby. "You can't _see_ rent."
+
+"You can't see gas," said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"You can see it if it is lighted," said Mr. Fenelby, "and you can
+smell it any time you want to. Gas is a real object, or thing, and
+we buy it, and it pays a duty."
+
+"Very well," said Mrs. Fenelby. "Then I ought to pay duty on
+Bridget, too. She is a real thing, and we pay money for her, just as
+much as we do for gas, and she is a thing that comes into the house.
+If I don't pay on Bridget, I don't see why I should pay on the gas.
+The next thing you will be saying that Bridget is a luxury, and that
+I ought to pay thirty per cent. on her! Probably I ought to pay a
+duty on Bobberts! I don't think it is fair that I should pay on
+everything. I will not pay ten per cent. on the gas bill.
+Everything seems to come the same day."
+
+"Laura!" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby, with sudden joy, "you don't have to
+pay on the gas bill this month! I wonder I hadn't thought of it.
+That gas bill is for gas used before the tariff was adopted! And now
+that you know about it, you will expect to pay next month."
+
+"I shall warn Bridget again about using so much in the range," said
+Laura. "We shall have to economize very carefully, Tom. I can see
+that. The tariff is going to make our living very expensive."
+
+They had reached the house, and had lingered a minute on the porch,
+and now they went inside, for they heard the dinner-bell tinkle.
+
+"You had better drop eight cents in the bank before you forget it,"
+said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Eight cents?" inquired Tom, quite at a loss to remember what he was
+to pay eight cents for.
+
+"Eight cents," repeated his wife. "For the candy. It is eighty cents
+a pound, isn't it? But it is a luxury, isn't it? That would be
+twenty-four cents!"
+
+"Yes, twenty-four cents," said Tom, smiling. "Twenty-four cents; but
+I don't pay it. You pay it."
+
+"_I_ pay it!" cried Mrs. Fenelby. "The idea! I didn't buy the candy.
+I didn't even ask you to buy it, Tom, although I am very glad to
+have it, and you are a dear to bring it to me. But you are the one
+to pay for it. You bought it."
+
+"My dear," said Mr. Fenelby, "whoever brings a thing into the house
+pays the duty on it. I gave you the box of candy when we were a full
+block from the house, and you accepted it, and it was your property
+after that, and you brought it into the house, and you must pay the
+duty on it."
+
+For a moment Mrs. Fenelby was inclined to be hurt, and then she
+laughed.
+
+"What is it?" her husband asked, as he seated himself at his end of
+the table, and unfolded his napkin.
+
+"I'll pay the twenty-four cents; but please don't bring me any more
+candy," she said. "I can't afford presents. But that wasn't what I
+was laughing about. I just happened to think of Will and Kitty. Will
+they have to pay duty on their trunks and all the things they have
+in them? Kitty has the most _luxurious_ dresses, and luxuries pay
+thirty per cent. If she will have to pay on them perhaps I had
+better telegraph her to come with only a dress suit-case."
+
+They did not telegraph Kitty. About a week later Kitty arrived, and
+the next day Billy came, and to each the Fenelbys explained the
+Fenelby Tariff, on the way up from the station. Both thought it was
+a splendid idea, and agreed to uphold the tariff law and abide by it
+and be governed by it, and when Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's
+baggage-checks to Tom and asked him to see that the three trunks
+were sent over from the city and delivered at the house, Mr. Fenelby
+had no idea what was in store for him.
+
+[Illustration: "Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom"]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+KITTY'S TRUNKS
+
+
+When Mr. Fenelby went to the city in the morning he gave Kitty's
+trunk checks to the expressman. When he returned to his home in the
+evening he found Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby on the porch, and Mrs.
+Fenelby was explaining to her visitor, for about the tenth time, the
+workings of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. She had explained to Kitty
+how the tariff had come to be adopted, how it was to supply an
+education fund for Bobberts--who was at that moment asleep in his
+crib, upstairs--and how every necessity brought into the house had
+to pay into Bobberts' bank ten per cent., and every luxury thirty
+per cent. Kitty was a dear, as was Mrs. Fenelby, but they were as
+different as cousins could well be, for while Mrs. Fenelby was the
+man's ideal of a gentle domestic person, Kitty was the man's ideal
+of a forceful, jolly girl, and as full of liveliness as a well
+behaved young lady could be. She was properly interested in Bobberts
+and admired him loudly, but in her heart she was not sorry that Mr.
+Fenelby's brother Will was to be a visitor at the house during her
+stay.
+
+She did not show any unmaidenly curiosity in regard to Brother Will,
+but between doses of Bobberts and Tariff she managed to learn about
+all Mrs. Fenelby knew regarding Brother Will's past, present and
+future, including a pretty minute description of his appearance,
+habits and beliefs.
+
+Brother Will had arrived that very day, and on the way up from the
+station the Fenelbys had explained to him all about the Domestic
+Tariff, and also that until a bed could be sent out from the city he
+would have to find a bed wherever he could, and so it happened that
+he went right back to the city with Mr. Fenelby, and had not met
+Kitty, as he preferred to sleep in the city, rather than in the
+hammock on the porch.
+
+There is an admirable natural honesty in women that prevents them
+from claiming that their husbands are perfection. In some this is so
+abnormally developed that, to be on the safe side, I suppose, they
+will not allow that their husbands have any virtues whatever; in
+others the trace of this type of honesty is so slight that they will
+claim to every one, except their dearest friends, that their
+husbands are the best in the world. The normal wife first announces
+that her husband is as near perfect as any man can be, and then
+proceeds to enumerate all his imperfections, bad humors, and
+annoying habits, under the impression, perhaps, that she is praising
+him. Mrs. Fenelby had been proceeding in somewhat this way in her
+conversation with Kitty, under the impression that she was showing
+Kitty how lovely and domestically perfect was her life, but Kitty
+gained from it only the impression that Mrs. Fenelby had become the
+slave of Mr. Fenelby and Bobberts.
+
+The more Mrs. Fenelby explained the workings of the Domestic Tariff
+the more positive of this did Kitty become. It was Laura who paid
+all the household bills, and so Laura had to pay the tariff duty on
+whatever came into the house; it was Laura who had to give up her
+weekly box of candy because if she received it she had to pay
+twenty-four cents duty. To Kitty the Fenelby Domestic Tariff seemed
+to be a scheme concocted by Mr. Fenelby to make Laura provide an
+education fund for Bobberts. Poor Laura was evidently being misused
+and did not know it. Poor Laura must be rescued, and given that
+womanly freedom that women are supposed to long for, even when they
+don't want it. Poor meek Laura needed some one to put a foot down,
+and Kitty felt that she had an admirable foot for that or any other
+purpose. She proposed to put it down.
+
+When Mr. Fenelby entered his yard on his return from the city he
+stopped short, and then looked up to where the two young women were
+sitting on the porch.
+
+"Hello!" he said, "What is the matter with these trunks? Wouldn't
+that expressman carry them upstairs? I declare, those fellows are
+getting too independent for comfort. Unless you hold a dollar tip
+out before them they won't so much as turn around. Now, I distinctly
+told this fellow to carry these three trunks upstairs, and I said I
+would make it all right with him, and here he leaves them on the
+lawn. I hope, dear, you were at home when he came."
+
+"Yes, dear," said Mrs. Fenelby, "I was, and you should not blame the
+poor man. I am sure he tried hard enough to carry them up. He
+actually insisted on carrying them up whether we wanted them up or
+not. He was quite rude about it. He said you had told him to carry
+them up and that he meant to do it whether we let him or not,
+and--and at last I had to give him a dollar to leave them down
+here."
+
+"You--you gave him a dollar _not_ to carry these trunks upstairs!"
+exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "Did you say you _paid_ the man a dollar
+_not_ to carry them upstairs?"
+
+"I had to," said Mrs. Fenelby. "It was the only way I could prevent
+him from doing it. He said you told him to carry them up, and that
+up they must go, if he had to break down the front door to do it. I
+think he must have been drinking, Tom, he used such awful language,
+and at last he got quite maudlin about it and sat down on one of the
+trunks and cried, actually cried! He said that for years and years
+he had refused to carry trunks upstairs, and that now, just when he
+had joined the Salvation Army, and was trying to lead a better life,
+and be kind and helpful and earn an extra dollar for his family by
+carrying trunks upstairs when gentlemen asked him to, I had to step
+in and refuse to let him carry trunks upstairs, and that this was
+the sort of thing that discouraged a poor man who was trying to make
+up for his past errors. So I gave him a dollar to leave them down
+here."
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked at the three big trunks ruefully, and shook his
+head at them.
+
+"Well," he said, "I suppose it is all right, Laura, but I can't see
+why you wouldn't let him take them up. You know I don't enjoy that
+kind of work, and that I don't think it is good for me."
+
+"Kitty didn't want them taken up," said Mrs. Fenelby, gently.
+"She--she wanted them left down here."
+
+"Down here?" asked Mr. Fenelby, as if dazed. "Down here on the
+grass?"
+
+"Yes," said Kitty, lightly. "It was my idea. Laura had nothing to do
+with it at all. I thought it would be nice to have the trunks down
+here on the lawn. Everywhere I visit they always take my trunks up
+to my room, and it gets so tiresome always having the same thing
+happen, so I thought that this time I would have a variety and leave
+my trunks on the lawn. I never in my life left my trunks on a front
+lawn, and I wanted to see how it would be. You don't think they will
+hurt the grass do you, Mr. Fenelby?"
+
+Kitty asked this with such an air of sincerity that Mr. Fenelby
+seated himself on one of the trunks and looked up at her anxiously.
+He could not recall that he had ever heard of any weakness of mind
+in Kitty or in her family, but he could not doubt his ears.
+
+"But--but--" he said, "but you don't mean to leave them here, do
+you?"
+
+Kitty smiled down at him reassuringly.
+
+"Of course, if it is going to harm the grass at all, Mr. Fenelby, I
+sha'n't think of it," she said. "I know that sometimes when a board
+or anything lies on the grass a long time the grass under the board
+gets all white, and if the trunks are going to make white spots on
+your lawn, I'll have them removed, but I thought that if we moved
+the trunks around to different places every day it would avoid that.
+But you know more about that than I do. Do you think they will make
+white places on the lawn, Mr. Fenelby?"
+
+"I don't know," he said, abstractedly. "I mean, yes, of course they
+will. But they will get rained on. You don't want your trunks rained
+on, you know. Trunks aren't meant to be rained on. It isn't good for
+them." A thought came to him suddenly. "You and Laura haven't
+quarreled, have you?" he asked, for he thought that perhaps that was
+why Kitty would not have her trunks carried up.
+
+"Indeed not!" cried Kitty, putting her arm affectionately around
+Laura's waist.
+
+"I--I thought perhaps you had," faltered Mr. Fenelby. "I
+thought--that is to say--I was afraid perhaps you were going away
+again. I thought you were going to make us a good, long visit--"
+
+"Indeed I am," said Kitty, cheerfully. "I am going to stay weeks,
+and weeks, and weeks. I am going to stay until you are all tired to
+death of me, and beg me to begone."
+
+"That is good," said Mr. Fenelby, with an attempt at pleasure. "But
+don't you think, since you are going to do what we want you to do,
+and stay for weeks, and weeks, and weeks, that you had better let
+your trunks be taken up to your room? Or--I'll tell you what we'll
+do! Suppose we just take the trunks into the lower hall?"
+
+He felt pretty certainly, now, that Kitty must have had a little
+touch of, say, sunstroke, or something of that kind, and he went on
+in a gently argumentative tone.
+
+"Just into the lower hall," he said. "That would be different from
+having them in your room, and it would save my grass. I worked hard
+to get this lawn looking as it does now, Kitty, and I cannot deny
+that big trunks like these will not do it any good. Let us say we
+will put the trunks in the lower hall. Then they will be safe, too.
+No one can steal them there. A front lawn is a rather conspicuous
+place for trunks. And what will the neighbors say, too, if we leave
+the trunks on the lawn? Why shouldn't we put the trunks in the lower
+hall?"
+
+"Well," said Kitty, "I can't afford it, that is why. Really, Mr.
+Fenelby, I can't afford to have those three trunks brought into the
+house."
+
+"And yet," said Mr. Fenelby, with just the slightest hint of
+impatience, "you girls could afford to give the man a dollar _not_
+to take them in! That is woman's logic!"
+
+"Oh! a dollar!" said Kitty. "If it was only a matter of a dollar! I
+hope you don't think, Mr. Fenelby, that I travel with only ten
+dollars' worth of baggage! No, indeed! I simply cannot afford to pay
+ten per cent. duty on what is in those trunks, and so I prefer to
+let them remain on the lawn. I wrote Laura that I expected to be
+treated as one of the family while I was visiting her, and if the
+Domestic Tariff is part of the way the family is treated I certainly
+expect to live up to it. Now, don't blame Laura, for she was not
+only willing to have the trunks come in without paying duty, but
+insisted that they should."
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked very grave. He was in a perplexing situation. He
+certainly did not wish to appear inhospitable, and yet Laura had had
+no right to say that the trunks could enter the house duty free. The
+only way such an unusual alteration in the Domestic Tariff could be
+made was by act of the Family Congress, and he very well knew that
+if once the matter of revising the tariff was taken up it was beyond
+the ken of man where it would end. He preferred to stand pat on the
+tariff as it had been originally adopted.
+
+"I told her," said Kitty, "that she had no right to throw off the
+duty on my trunks, at all, and that I wouldn't have it, and I
+didn't."
+
+"Well, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "you know perfectly well that we
+can't leave those trunks out on the lawn. It would not only be
+absolutely foolish to do that, but cruel to Kitty. A girl simply
+can't visit away from home without trunks, and it is absolutely
+necessary that Kitty should have her trunks."
+
+"'Necessities, ten per cent.,'" quoted Kitty.
+
+"But, my dear," said Mr. Fenelby, softly, "we really can't break all
+our household rules just because Kitty has brought three trunks, can
+we? Kitty does not expect us to do that, and I think she looks at it
+in a very rational manner. I like the spirit she has evinced."
+
+"Very well, then," said Mrs. Fenelby, "you must find some way to
+take care of those trunks, for we cannot leave them on the lawn."
+
+"Why can't we take them to some neighbor's house?" asked Kitty. "I
+am sure some neighbor would be glad to store them for me for awhile.
+Aren't you on good terms with your neighbors, Laura?"
+
+"The Rankins might take them," said Laura, thoughtfully. "They have
+that vacant room, you know, Tom. They might not mind letting us put
+them in there."
+
+"I don't know the Rankins," said Kitty, "but I am sure they are
+perfectly lovely people, and that they would not mind in the least."
+
+"I know they wouldn't," said Mr. Fenelby. "Rankin would be glad to
+do something of that sort to repay me for the number of times he has
+borrowed my lawn-mower. I will step over after dinner and ask him."
+
+"Are you sure, very sure, that you do not mind, Kitty?" asked Mrs.
+Fenelby. "You will not feel hurt, or anything?"
+
+"Oh, no!" said Kitty, lightly. "It will be a lark. I never in my
+life went visiting with three trunks, and then had them stored in
+another house. It will be quite like being shipwrecked on a desert
+island, to get along with one shirt-waist and one handkerchief."
+
+"It will not be quite that bad, you know," said Mr. Fenelby, with
+the air of a man stating a great discovery, "because, don't you see,
+you can open your trunks at the Rankins', and bring over just as
+many things as you think you can afford to pay on."
+
+For some reason that Mr. Fenelby could not fathom Kitty laughed
+merrily at this, and then they all went in to dinner. It was a very
+good dinner, of the kind that Bridget could prepare when she was in
+the humor, and they sat rather longer over it than usual, and then
+Mr. Fenelby proposed that he should step over to the Rankins' and
+arrange about the storage of Kitty's trunks, and on thinking it over
+he decided that he had better step down to the station and see if he
+could not get a man to carry the trunks across the street and up the
+Rankins' stairs. As they filed out of the house upon the porch,
+Kitty suddenly decided that it was a beautiful evening for a little
+walk, and that nothing would please her so much as to walk to the
+station with Mr. Fenelby, if Laura would be one of the party, and
+after running up to see that Bobberts was all right, Laura said
+that she would go, and they started. As they were crossing the
+street to the Rankins' Kitty suddenly turned back.
+
+[Illustration: "Never in the history of trunks was the act of
+unpacking done so quickly or so recklessly"]
+
+"You two go ahead," she said. "The air will do you good, Laura. I
+have something I want to do," and she ran back.
+
+She entered the house, and looked out of the window until she saw
+the Fenelbys go into the Rankins' and come out again, and saw them
+start to the station, but as soon as they were out of sight she
+dashed down the porch steps and threw open the lids of her trunks.
+Never in the history of trunks was the act of unpacking done so
+quickly or so recklessly. She dived into the masses of fluffiness
+and emerged with great armfuls, and hurried them into the house, up
+the stairs, and into her closet, and was down again for another
+load. If she had been looting the trunks she could not have worked
+more hurriedly, or more energetically, and when the last armful had
+been carried up she slammed the lids and turned the keys, and sank
+in a graceful position on the lower porch step.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Fenelby returned with leisurely slowness of pace, the
+station loafer and man-of-little-work slouching along at a
+respectful distance behind them. Kitty greeted them with a cheerful
+frankness of face. The man-of-little-work looked at the three big
+trunks as if their size was in some way a personal insult to him. He
+tried to assume the look of a man who had been cozened away from his
+needed rest on false pretences.
+
+"I didn't know as the trunks was as big as them," he drawled. "If
+I'd knowed they was, I wouldn't of walked all the way over here.
+Fifty cents ain't no fair price for carryin' three trunks, the size
+and heft of them, across--well, say this is a sixty foot
+street--say, eighty feet, and up a flight of stairs. I don't say
+nothin', but I'll leave it to the ladies."
+
+"Fifty cents!" cried Kitty. "I should think not! Why, I didn't
+imagine you would do it for less than a dollar. I mean to pay you a
+dollar."
+
+"That's right," said the man. "You see I have to walk all the way
+back to the station when I git through, too. My time goin' and
+comin' is worth something."
+
+[Illustration: "With all the grace of a Sandow"]
+
+He bent down and took the largest trunk by one handle, to heave it
+to his back, and as he touched the handle the trunk almost arose
+into the air of its own accord. The man straightened up and looked
+at it, and a strange look passed across his face, but he closed
+his mouth and said nothing.
+
+"Would you like a lift?" asked Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"No," said the man shortly. "I know _how_ to handle trunks, I do,"
+and it certainly seemed that he did, for he swung it to his back
+with all the grace of a Sandow, and started off with it. Mr. Fenelby
+looked at him with surprise.
+
+"Now, isn't that one of the oddities of nature?" said Mr. Fenelby.
+"That fellow looks as if he had no strength at all, and see how he
+carries off that trunk as if there was not a thing in it. I suppose
+it is a knack he has. Now, see how hard it is for me merely to lift
+one end of this smallest one."
+
+But before he could touch it Kitty had grasped him by the arm.
+
+"Oh, don't try it!" she cried. "Please don't! You might hurt your
+back."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+BILLY
+
+
+A few minutes before noon the next day Billy Fenelby dropped into
+Mr. Fenelby's office in the city and the two men went out to lunch
+together. It would be hard to imagine two brothers more unlike than
+Thomas and William Fenelby, for if Thomas Fenelby was inclined to be
+small in stature and precise in his manner, William was all that his
+nickname of Billy implied, and was not so many years out of his
+college foot-ball eleven, where he had won a place because of his
+size and strength. Billy Fenelby, after having been heroized by
+innumerable girls during his college years, had become definitely a
+man's man, and was in the habit of saying that his girly-girl days
+were over, and that he would walk around a block any day to escape
+meeting a girl. He was not afraid of girls, and he did not hate
+them, but he simply held that they were not worth while. The truth
+was that he had been so petted and worshiped by them as a star
+foot-ball player that the attention they paid him, as an ordinary
+young man not unlike many other young men out of college, seemed
+tame by comparison. No doubt he had come to believe, during his
+college days, that the only interesting thing a girl could do was to
+admire a man heartily, and in the manner that only foot-ball players
+and matinee idols are admired, so that now, when he had no
+particular claim to admiration, girls had become, so far as he was
+concerned, useless affairs.
+
+"Now, about this girl-person that you have over at your house," he
+said to his brother, when they were seated at their lunch, "what
+about her?"
+
+"About her?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "How do you mean?"
+
+"What about her?" repeated Billy. "You know how I feel about the
+girl-business. I suppose she is going to stay awhile?"
+
+"Kitty? I think so. We want her to. But you needn't bother about
+Kitty. She won't bother you a bit. She's the right sort, Billy. Not
+like Laura, of course, for I don't believe there is another woman
+anywhere just like Laura, but Kitty is not the ordinary flighty
+girl. You should hear her appreciate Bobberts. She saw his good
+points, and remarked about them, at once, and the way she has caught
+the spirit of the Domestic Tariff that I was telling you about is
+fine! Most girls would have hemmed and hawed about it, but she
+didn't! No, sir! She just saw what a fine idea it was, and when she
+saw that she couldn't afford to have her three trunks brought into
+the house she proposed that she leave them at a neighbor's. Did not
+make a single complaint. Don't worry about Kitty."
+
+"That is all right about the tariff," said Billy. "I can't say I
+think much of that tariff idea myself, but so long as it is the
+family custom a guest couldn't do any less than live up to it. But I
+don't like the idea of having to spend a number of weeks in the same
+house with any girl. They are all bores, Tom, and I know it. A man
+can't have any comfort when there is a girl in the house. And
+between you and me that Kitty girl looks like the kind that is sure
+to be always right at a fellow's side. I was wondering if Laura
+would think it was all right if I stayed in town here?"
+
+"No, she wouldn't," said Tom shortly. "She would be offended, and so
+would I. If you are going to let some nonsense about girls being a
+bore,--which is all foolishness--keep you away from the house, you
+had better--Why," he added, "it is an insult to us--to Laura and
+me--just as if you said right out that the company we choose to ask
+to our home was not good enough for you to associate with. If you
+think our house is going to bore you--"
+
+"Now, look here, old man," said Billy, "I don't mean that at all,
+and you know I don't. I simply don't like girls, and that is all
+there is to it. But I'll come. I'll have my trunk sent over
+and--Say, do I have to pay duty on what I have in my trunk?"
+
+"Certainly," said Mr. Fenelby. "That is, of course, if you want to
+enter into the spirit of the thing. It is only ten per cent., you
+know, and it all goes into Bobberts' education fund."
+
+Billy sat in silent thought awhile.
+
+"I wonder," he said at length, "how it would do if I just put a few
+things into my suit-case--enough to last me a few days at a
+time--and left my trunk over here. I don't need everything I brought
+in that trunk. I was perfectly reckless about putting things in that
+trunk. I put into that trunk nearly everything I own in this world,
+just because the trunk was so big that it would hold everything, and
+it seemed a pity to bring a big trunk like that with nothing in it
+but air. Now, I could take my suit-case and put into it the things I
+will really need--"
+
+"Certainly," said Mr. Fenelby. "You can do that if you want to, and
+it would be perfectly fair to Bobberts. All Bobberts asks is to be
+paid a duty on what enters the house. He don't say what shall be
+brought in, or what shall not. Personally, Billy, I would call the
+duty off, so far as you are concerned, but I don't think Laura would
+like it. We started this thing fair, and we are all living up to it.
+Laura made Kitty live up to it and you can see it would not be right
+for me to make an exception in your case just because you happen to
+be my brother."
+
+"No," agreed Billy, "it wouldn't. I don't ask it. I will play the
+game and I will play it fair. All I ask is: If I bring a suit-case,
+do I have to pay on the case? Because if I do, I won't bring it. I
+can wrap all I need in a piece of paper, and save the duty on the
+suit-case. I believe in playing fair, Tom, but that is no reason why
+I should be extravagant."
+
+"I think," said Tom, doubtfully, "suit-cases should come in free. Of
+course, if it was a brand new suit-case it would have to pay duty,
+but an old one--one that has been used--is different. It is like
+wrapping-paper. The duty is assessed on what the package contains
+and not on the package itself. If it is not a new suit-case you
+will not have to pay duty on it."
+
+"Then my suit-case will go in free," said Billy. "It is one of the
+first crop of suit-cases that was raised in this country, and I
+value it more as a relic than as a suit-case. I carry it more as a
+souvenir than as a suit-case."
+
+"Souvenirs are different," said Mr. Fenelby. "Souvenirs are classed
+as luxuries, and pay thirty per cent. If you consider it a souvenir
+it pays duty."
+
+"I will consider it a suit-case," said Billy promptly. "I will
+consider it a poor old, worn-out suit-case."
+
+"I think that would be better," agreed Mr. Fenelby. "But we will
+have to wait and see what Laura considers it."
+
+As on the previous evening the ladies were on the porch, enjoying
+the evening air, when Mr. Fenelby reached home, with Billy in tow,
+and Billy greeted them as if he had never wished anything better
+than to meet Miss Kitty.
+
+"Where is this custom house Tom has been telling me about?" he
+asked, as soon as the hand shaking was over. "I want to have my
+baggage examined. I have dutiable goods to declare. Who is the
+inspector?"
+
+[Illustration: "'I declare one collar'"]
+
+"Laura is," said Kitty. "She is the slave of the grinding system
+that fosters monopoly and treads under heel the poor people."
+
+"All right," said Billy, "I declare one collar. I wish to bring one
+collar into the bosom of this family. I have in this suit-case one
+collar. I never travel without one extra collar. It is the
+two-for-a-quarter kind, with a name like a sleeping car, and it has
+been laundered twice, which brings it to the verge of ruin. How much
+do I have to pay on the one collar?"
+
+"Collars are a necessity," said Mrs. Fenelby, "and they pay ten
+per--"
+
+"What a notion!" exclaimed Kitty. "Collars are not a necessity.
+Collars are an actual luxury, especially in warm weather. Many very
+worthy men never wear a collar at all, and would not think of
+wearing one in hot weather. They are like jewelry or--or something
+of that sort. Collars certainly pay thirty per cent."
+
+"I reserve the right to appeal," said Billy. "Those are the words of
+an unjust judge. But how much do I take off the value of the collar
+because two thirds of its life has been laundered away? How much is
+one third of twelve and a half?"
+
+"Now, that is pure nonsense," Kitty said, "and I sha'n't let poor,
+dear little Bobberts be robbed in any such way. That collar cost
+twelve and a half cents, and it has had two and a half cents spent
+on it twice, so it is now a seventeen and a half cent collar, and
+thirty per cent. of that is--is--"
+
+"Oh, if you are going to rob me!" exclaimed Billy. "I don't care. I
+can get along without a collar. I will bring out a sweater
+to-morrow."
+
+"Sweaters pay only ten per cent.," said Kitty sweetly. "What else
+have you in your suit-case?"
+
+"Air," said Billy. "Nothing but air. I didn't think I could afford
+to bring anything else, and I will leave the collar out here. I
+open the case--I take out the collar--I place it gently on the porch
+railing--and I take the empty suit-case into the house. I pay no
+duty at all, and that is what you get for being so grasping."
+
+Mr. Fenelby shook his head.
+
+"You can't do that, Billy," he said. "That puts the suit-case in
+another class. It isn't a package for holding anything now, and it
+isn't a necessity--because you can't need an empty suit-case--so it
+doesn't go in at ten per cent., so it must be a luxury, and it pays
+thirty per cent."
+
+"That suit-case," said Billy, looking at it with a calculating eye,
+"is not worth thirty per cent. of what it is worth. It is
+worthless, and I wouldn't give ten per cent. of nothing for it. It
+stays outside. So I pay nothing. I go in free. Unless I have to pay
+on myself."
+
+"You don't have to," said Kitty, "although I suppose Laura and Tom
+think you are a luxury."
+
+"Don't you think I am one?" asked Billy.
+
+"No, I don't," said Kitty frankly, "and when you know me better, you
+will not ask such a foolish question. Where ever I am, there a young
+man is a necessity."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST
+
+
+The morning after Billy Fenelby's arrival at the Fenelby home he
+awakened unusually early, as one is apt to awaken in a strange bed,
+and he lay awhile thinking over the events of the previous evening.
+He was more than ever convinced that Kitty was not the kind of girl
+he liked. He felt that she had made a bare-faced effort to flirt
+with him the evening before, and that she was just the kind of a
+girl that was apt to be troublesome to a bachelor. She was the kind
+of a girl that would demand a great deal of attention and expect it
+as a natural right, and then, when she received it, make the man
+feel that he had been attentive in quite another way, and that the
+only fair thing would be to propose. And he felt that she was the
+kind of girl that no man could propose to with any confidence
+whatever. She would be just as likely to accept him as not, and
+having accepted him, she would be just as likely to expect him to
+marry her as not. He felt that he was in a very ticklish situation.
+He saw that Kitty was the sort of girl that would take any air of
+rude indifference he might assume to be a challenge, and any comely
+polite attention to be serious love making. He saw that the only
+safe thing for him to do would be to run away, but, since he had
+seen Kitty, that was the last thing in the world that he would have
+thought of doing. He decided that he would constitute her bright
+eyes and red lips to be a mental warning sign reading "Danger" in
+large letters, and that whenever he saw them he would be as wary as
+a rabbit and yet as brave as a lion.
+
+He next felt a sincere regret that he had refused to pay the duty on
+the clean collar he had brought with him, and that he had left on
+the railing of the porch. He got out of bed and looked at the collar
+he had worn the day before, and frowned at it as he saw that it was
+not quite immaculate. Then he listened closely for any sound in the
+house that would tell him Mr. or Mrs. Fenelby were up. He heard
+nothing. He hastily slipped on his clothes, and tip-toed out of the
+room and down the stairs. This tariff for revenue only was well
+enough for Thomas and Laura, and assessing a duty of ten per cent.
+on everything that came into the house (and thirty per cent. on
+luxuries) might fill up Bobberts' bank, and provide that baby with
+an education fund, but it was an injustice to bachelor uncles when
+there was an unmarried girl in the house. If this Kitty girl was
+willing to so forget what was due to a young man as to appear in one
+dress the whole time of her stay, that was her look-out, but for his
+part he did not intend to lower his dignity by going down to
+breakfast in a soiled collar. If creeping down to the porch in his
+stockings, and bringing in that collar surreptitiously, was
+smuggling, then--
+
+Billy stopped short at the screen door. From there he could see the
+spot on the railing where he had put the collar, and the collar was
+not there! No doubt it had fallen to the lawn. He opened the screen
+door carefully and stepped outside. The early morning air was cool
+and sweet, and an ineffable quiet rested on the suburb. He tip-toed
+gently across the porch and down the porch steps, and hobbled
+carefully across the painful pebble walk and stepped upon the lawn.
+There was dew on the lawn. The lawn was soaked and saturated and
+steeped in dew. It bathed his feet in chilliness, as if he had
+stepped into a pail of ice water, and the vines that clambered up
+the porch-side were dewy too. As he kneeled on the grass and pawed
+among the vines, seeking the missing collar, the vines showered down
+the crystal drops upon him, and soaked his sleeves, and added a
+finishing touch of ruin to the collar he was wearing. The other
+collar was not there! It was not among the vines, it was not on the
+lawn, it was not on the porch, and soaked in socks and sleeves he
+retreated. He paused a minute on the porch to glance thoughtfully at
+the moist foot-prints his feet left on the boards, and wondered if
+they would be dry before Tom or Laura came down. At any rate there
+was no help for it now, and he went up the stairs again.
+
+The most uncomfortable small discomfort is wet socks, whether they
+come from a small hole in the bottom of a shoe or from walking on a
+lawn in the early morning, and Billy wiggled his toes as he slowly
+and carefully climbed the stairs. As he turned the last turn at the
+top he stopped short and blushed. Kitty was standing there awaiting
+him, a smile on her face and his other collar in her hand. She laid
+her finger on her lip, and tapped it there to command silence, and
+raised her brows at him, to let him know that she knew where he had
+been and why.
+
+"I thought you would want it," she said in the faintest whisper, "so
+I smuggled it in last night. I had no idea _you_ would stoop to
+such a thing, but--but I felt so sorry for you, without a collar."
+
+"Thanks!" whispered Billy. It was a masterpiece of whispering, that
+word. It was a gruff whisper, warding off familiarity, and yet it
+was a grateful whisper, as a whisper should be to thank a pretty
+girl for a favor done, but still it was a scoffing whisper, with a
+tinge of resentfulness, but resentfulness tempered by courtesy.
+Underlying all this was a flavor of independence, but not such crude
+independence that it killed the delicate tone that implied that the
+hearer of the whisper was a very pretty girl, and that that fact
+was granted even while her interference in the whisperer's affairs
+was misliked, and her suspicions of dishonest acts on his part
+considered uncalled for. If he did not quite succeed in getting all
+this crowded into the one word it was doubtless because his feet
+were so wet and uncomfortable. Billy was rather conscious that he
+had not quite succeeded, and he would have tried again, adding this
+time an inflection to mean that he well understood that her object
+was to get him into a quasi conspiracy and thus draw him irrevocably
+into confidential relations of misdemeanor from which he could not
+escape, but that he refused to be so drawn--I say he would have
+repeated the word, but a sound in one of the bed-rooms close at hand
+sent them both tip-toeing to their rooms.
+
+They had hardly reached safety when the door of Mr. Fenelby's room
+opened and Mr. Fenelby stole out quietly, stole as quietly down the
+stairs and out upon the porch. He looked at the railing where Billy
+had left the collar, and then he peered over the railing, and as
+silently stole up the stairs again. He paused at Billy's door and
+tapped on it. Billy opened it a mere hint of a crack.
+
+"What is it?" he whispered.
+
+"That collar," whispered Mr. Fenelby. "I thought about it all night,
+and I didn't think it right that you should be made to do without
+it. I just went down, to get it, but it isn't there."
+
+"Never mind," whispered Billy. "Don't worry, old man. I will wear
+the one I have."
+
+Mr. Fenelby hesitated.
+
+"Of course," he whispered, "you won't--That is to say, you needn't
+tell Laura I went down--"
+
+"Certainly not," whispered Billy. "It was awfully kind of you to
+think of it. But I'll make this one do."
+
+Mr. Fenelby waited at the door a moment longer as if he had
+something more to say, but Billy had closed the door, and he went
+back to his room.
+
+It was with relief that Bridget heard the door close behind Mr.
+Fenelby. She had been standing on the little landing of the
+back-stairs, where he had almost caught her as she was coming up. If
+she had been one step higher he would have seen her head. Usually
+she would not have minded this, for she had a perfect right to be on
+the back-stairs in the early morning, but this time she felt that it
+was her duty to remain undiscovered. Now that Mr. Fenelby was gone
+she softly stepped to Billy's door and knocked lightly.
+
+"Misther Billy, sor, are ye there?" she whispered. Billy opened the
+door a crack and looked out.
+
+"Mornin' to ye," she said in a hoarse whisper. "I'm sorry t'
+disthurb ye, but Missus Fenelby axed me t' bring up th' collar ye
+left on th' porrch railin', an' t' let no wan know I done it, an' I
+just wanted t' let ye know th' reason I have not brung it up is
+because belike someone else has brang it already, for it is gone."
+
+"Thank you, Bridget," whispered Billy. "It doesn't matter."
+
+She turned away, but when he had closed the door she paused, and
+after hesitating a moment she tapped on his door again. He opened
+it.
+
+"I have put me foot in it," she said, "like I always do. W'u'd ye be
+so good as t' fergit I mentioned th' name of Missus Fenelby, that's
+a dear man? I raymimber now I was not t' mention it t' ye."
+
+"Certainly, Bridget," said Billy, and he closed the door and went
+again to the window, where he was turning his socks over and over in
+the streak of sunlight that warmed a part of the window sill.
+
+It took the socks a little longer to dry than he had thought it
+would, and they were still damp enough to make his feet feel
+anything but comfortable when he heard the breakfast bell tinkle
+faintly. He hurried the rest of his toilet and went down the stairs,
+assuming as he went the air of unsuspected innocence that is the
+inborn right of every man who knows he has done wrong. The bodily
+Billy was more conscious of the discomfort of his feet, but the
+mental Billy was all collar. He had never known a collar to be so
+obtrusive. He felt that he must seem all collar, even to the most
+casual eye, but he was upheld by the belief that no one would dare
+to mention collar to him in public. If he had sinned he was not the
+only sinner, for he was but a partner in conspiracy. He walked down
+the stairs boldly.
+
+"And to think that his vanity should be the cause of robbing poor
+little Bobberts," he heard a clear voice say as he neared the
+dining room door. "It is too mean! I can never look up to man with
+the faith I have always had in man, after this. But I know they were
+his foot-prints, Laura."
+
+"Are you so sure, Kitty?" asked Mrs. Fenelby. "Mightn't they
+be--mightn't they be Bridget's?"
+
+"They were not," said the voice of Kitty, and Billy paused where he
+was and stood still. "Bridget does not go about in the wet grass in
+her stocking feet. Those were Billy's tracks on the porch. I am no
+Sherlock Holmes, but I can tell you just what he did. He stole down
+before we were awake, to look for that collar, and he did not find
+it on the railing where he had left it. Then he saw it where it had
+fallen and he went down on the wet lawn and got it. Watch him when
+he comes in to breakfast. He will be wearing a collar, and it will
+not be the one he wore last night."
+
+Billy turned and tip-toed softly up the stairs again, undoing his
+tie as he went. When he came down his neck was neatly, but
+informally swathed in a white handkerchief. Three pairs of eyes
+watched him as he entered, but he faced them unflinchingly. Mr. and
+Mrs. Fenelby let their eyes drop before his glance, but Kitty met
+his gaze with a challenge. There was nothing of treachery in her
+face, and yet she had sought to betray him. He looked at her with
+greater interest than he had ever known himself to feel regarding
+any girl, and as he looked he had a startled sense that she was
+fairer than she had been, and he caught his breath quickly and began
+to talk to Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Tom," he said, after breakfast, as Mr. Fenelby was getting ready
+to leave to catch his train, "I think I'll walk over to the station
+with you. I have something I want to say to you."
+
+"Come along," said Mr. Fenelby. "But you will have to walk quickly.
+I have just time to catch my train."
+
+"Did you notice anything peculiar about Miss Kitty this morning?"
+asked Billy, when they had left the house.
+
+"Peculiar?" said Mr. Fenelby. "No, I don't think so."
+
+"Well, I don't want to make trouble, Tom," said Billy, "but I think
+I ought to speak about this thing. If it wasn't serious I wouldn't
+mention it at all, but I think you ought to know what is going on in
+your own house. I think you ought to know what kind of a girl Miss
+Kitty is, so that you can be on your guard. Now, you went down to
+get that collar for me, didn't you?"
+
+"I wish you wouldn't mention that," said Mr. Fenelby with some
+annoyance.
+
+"Oh, I know all about that," said Billy, warmly. "You say that
+because you don't like to be thanked for all these nice, thoughtful
+things you do for a fellow. But I do thank you--just as much as if
+you had found the collar and had brought it up to me. That was all
+right. You would have paid the duty on it, and that would have been
+all right. But what do you think Miss Kitty did? Why do you think
+you could not find that collar? Do you know what she did? She
+brought that collar into the house--smuggled it in--and she had the
+nerve, the actual nerve, to give it to me. And I took it. I couldn't
+do anything else, could I, when a girl offered it to me? I couldn't
+say I wouldn't take it, could I? I had to be a gentleman about it.
+And then she tried to get me into trouble by telling you I would
+come down to breakfast wearing that collar. She tried to make out
+that I was a smuggler."
+
+"I suppose it was just a bit of fun," said Mr. Fenelby. "Girls are
+that way, some of them."
+
+"Well, I want it understood that that collar is in the house, and
+that I didn't bring it in," said Billy, "and that if this Domestic
+Tariff business is to be carried out fairly it is Miss Kitty's
+business to pay the duty on it. I want to set myself right with you.
+But the thing I wanted to speak about was far more serious. Do you
+know what she had on this morning?"
+
+"What she had on?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "What did she have on?"
+
+"She had on a pink shirt-waist," said Billy fiercely. "That is what
+she had on. Right at breakfast there, in plain sight of everyone. A
+pink shirt-waist!"
+
+"Well, that's all right, isn't it?" asked Mr. Fenelby, doubtfully.
+"It's proper to wear a pink shirt-waist at breakfast, isn't it? I
+think Laura wears shirt-waists at breakfast sometimes. I'm sure it's
+all right. An informal home breakfast like that."
+
+"But it was pink," insisted Billy. "I looked right at it, and I
+know. Real pink. You wouldn't notice it, because you are so honest
+yourself, and so confiding, but I noticed it the first thing. Now
+what do you think of your Miss Kitty? What do you say to that--a
+girl coming right down to breakfast in a pink shirt-waist, right
+before the whole family?"
+
+"I--I don't know what to say," faltered Mr. Fenelby, and this was
+the truth, for he did not.
+
+"Well, what would you say if I told you that she had on a white
+shirt-waist last evening--a white one with fluffy stuff all around
+the collar?" asked Billy. "Wouldn't you say that that proved it?"
+
+"I don't see anything wrong in that," said Mr. Fenelby. "What does
+it prove?"
+
+"It proves that she has two shirt-waists," said Billy, seriously,
+"that is what it proves. Two shirt-waists, a white one and a pink
+one, one for dinner and one for breakfast. I don't blame you for not
+noticing it, but I am strong that way. I notice colors and trimmings
+and all that sort of thing. And I tell you she has two. I saw them
+both and I know it. If that isn't serious I don't know what is."
+
+"Well?" said Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"Well," echoed Billy, "she is only supposed to have one. She only
+paid duty on one, and she has two. That is what I call real
+smuggling. And nobody knows how many more she has. Dozens for all I
+know. Imagine her talking about my one poor old last year's collar,
+and then flaunting around in two shirt-waists right before our eyes.
+I call that pretty serious. I'm going to watch her. You can't be
+here all day to do it, but I haven't anything else to do, and I'm
+going to stay right around her all day and find out about this
+thing."
+
+"If you don't want to--" began Mr. Fenelby, remembering Billy's
+protestations of dislike for girls.
+
+"I'll do my duty by you and Bobberts, old man," said Billy,
+generously.
+
+"I was only going to say that Laura could look out for that sort of
+thing," said Mr. Fenelby. "I might say a word to her."
+
+"Well, now, I didn't like to bring that part of it up," said Billy,
+"but since you mention it, I guess I had better say the whole thing.
+It isn't natural that a woman shouldn't notice what another woman
+has on, is it? They are all keen on that sort of thing. I don't say
+Laura is standing in with Kitty on this shirt-waist smuggling. I
+suppose it worries her terribly to see Kitty smuggling clothes in
+right under her nose, but how can Laura say anything about it? Kitty
+is her guest, isn't she? You leave it to me!"
+
+Just then they reached the station and the train arrived and Mr.
+Fenelby jumped aboard, and as it pulled out Billy turned and walked
+back to the house.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+BRIDGET
+
+
+When the Commonwealth of Bobberts had adopted the Fenelby Domestic
+Tariff it had been Mrs. Fenelby's duty to inform Bridget of it, and
+to explain it to her, and for two days Mrs. Fenelby worried about
+it. It was only by exercising the most superhuman wiles that a
+servant could be persuaded to sojourn in the suburb. To hold one in
+thrall it was necessary to practice the most consummate diplomacy.
+The suburban servant knows she is a rare and precious article, and
+she is apt to be headstrong and independent, and so she must be
+driven with a tight rein and strong hand, and yet she is so apt to
+leave at a moment's notice if anything offends her, that she must be
+driven with a light rein and a hand as light and gentle as a bit of
+thistledown floating on a zephyr. This is a hard combination to
+attain. It is like trying to drive a skittish and headstrong horse,
+densely constructed of lamp-chimneys and window glass, down a rough
+cobble-stoned hill road. If given the rein the glass horse will dash
+madly to flinders, and if the rein is held taut the horse's glass
+head will snap off and the whole business go to crash. No juggler
+keeping alternate cannon-balls and feathers in the air ever
+exercised greater nicety of calculation than did Mrs. Fenelby in her
+act of at once retaining and restraining Bridget.
+
+To go boldly into the kitchen and announce to Bridget that she would
+hereafter be expected to pay into Bobberts' bank ten per cent. of
+the value of every necessity and thirty per cent. of the value of
+every luxury she brought into the house was the last thing that Mrs.
+Fenelby would have thought of doing. There were bits in that rough
+sketch of human nature known as Bridget's character that did not
+harmonize with the idea. There had been nothing said, when Bridget
+had been engaged, about a domestic tariff. Paying one is not usually
+considered a part of a general house-worker's duties, and Mrs.
+Fenelby felt that it would be poor policy to break this news to
+Bridget too abruptly. She used diplomacy.
+
+"Bridget," she said, kindly, "we are very well satisfied with the
+way you do your work. We like you very well indeed."
+
+"Thank ye, ma'am," answered Bridget, "and I'm glad to hear ye say it,
+though it makes little odds t' me. I do the best I know how, ma'am,
+and if ye don't like the way I do, there is plenty of other ladies
+would be glad t' get me."
+
+"But we do like the way you do," said Mrs. Fenelby eagerly. "We are
+perfectly satisfied--perfectly!"
+
+"From th' way ye started off," said Bridget, with a shrug of her
+shoulders, "I thought ye was goin' t' give me th' bounce. Some does
+it that way."
+
+"No, indeed," Mrs. Fenelby assured her. "Especially not as you take
+such an interest in dear little Bobberts. You seem to like him as
+well as if he was your own little brother. Did I tell you what Mr.
+Fenelby had planned for him?"
+
+"Somethin' t' make more worrk for me, is it?" asked Bridget
+suspiciously.
+
+"Not at all!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "It is just about his education;
+about when he gets old enough to go to college."
+
+"'Twill be a long time from now before then," said Bridget. "I can
+see it has nawthin' to do with me."
+
+"But that is just it," said Mrs. Fenelby. "It has something to do
+with you--and with all of us. With everyone in this house. You love
+little Bobberts so much that you will be glad to help in his
+education."
+
+"Will I?" said Bridget in a way that was not too encouraging.
+
+"Yes, I know you will," Mrs. Fenelby chirped cheerfully, "because it
+is the cutest plan. I know you will be so interested in it. Mr.
+Fenelby thought of it himself, and he told me to tell you about it,
+because, really, you know, you are just like one of the family--"
+
+"Barring I have t' be in at ten o'clock and have t' sleep in th'
+attic," Bridget interposed. "And don't eat with th' family. And a
+few other differences. But go ahead and tell me what is th' extry
+worrk."
+
+"Well, it isn't extra work at all," said Mrs. Fenelby reassuringly.
+"It is just a way we thought of to raise money to pay for Bobberts'
+education. It is like a government and taxes, and everybody in the
+family pays part of the taxes--"
+
+"I was wonderin' why I was one of the family so much, all of a
+suddent," said Bridget. "I thought something was comin'. I notice
+that whenever I get to be one of th' family, ma'am, where ever I
+happen t' be workin', something comes. But it never has been taxes
+before. It is a new one to me, taxes is."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby explained as clearly as she could the meaning and
+method of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and its simple schedule of
+rates, and Bridget listened attentively. Mrs. Fenelby expected an
+explosion, and was prepared for it.
+
+"I'm sure I'm much obliged t' ye, Missus Fenelby," said Bridget,
+sarcastically, "an' 'tis a great honor ye are doin' me t' take me
+into th' family this way, but 'tis agin me principles t' be one of
+th' family on sixteen dollars a month when there is tariffs in th'
+same family. I'm thinkin' I'll stay outside th' family, ma'am. An' if
+ye will kindly let me past, I'll go up an' be packin' up me trunk."
+
+"But Bridget," Mrs. Fenelby said, quickly, "I am not through yet. I
+knew you couldn't afford to pay the--the tariff. I didn't expect you
+to, out of your wages. And if you had just waited a minute I was
+going to tell you that, seeing that you will be out of pocket by the
+tariff, I am going to pay you eighteen dollars a month after this."
+
+"Well, of course," said Bridget with a sweet smile, "I was only
+jokin' about me trunk."
+
+So that was all settled, and Mrs. Fenelby felt at ease, but she did
+not think it necessary to tell her husband about the extra two
+dollars a month. It came out of her housekeeping money, and she
+could economize a little on something else.
+
+"Laura," said her husband that evening, "have you spoken to Bridget
+about the tariff yet?"
+
+"Yes, dear," she answered, and he said that was right, and that she
+must see that Bridget lived up to it. But he did not tell her that
+he had interviewed Bridget while Mrs. Fenelby was upstairs a few
+minutes before, nor that he had privately agreed with Bridget to pay
+her two dollars a month extra out of his own pocket provided she
+accepted the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and abided by it, just as if
+she was one of the family. Neither did Bridget think it worth while
+to mention it to Mrs. Fenelby. From the time she was informed of the
+existence of the tariff up to the arrival of Kitty Bridget paid into
+Bobberts' bank twenty cents. This was the duty on a two dollar hat
+that even the most critical mind could not have called a luxury, and
+there Bridget's payments seemed to stop. She did not seem to feel
+the need of making any purchases just then.
+
+"Kitty, dear," said Mrs. Fenelby, gently, the morning of the damp
+foot-prints on the porch, after the men had started for the station,
+"that is a pretty shirt-waist you have on this morning."
+
+"Do you like it?" asked Kitty, innocently. "Don't you think it is a
+little tight across the shoulders?"
+
+"No," said Mrs. Fenelby. "And I like this skirt better than the one
+you were wearing yesterday."
+
+There was no mistaking the meaning of that. The way Mrs. Fenelby
+bowed over the bit of sewing she had taken up was evidence that she
+had suspicion in her mind. Kitty clasped her hands behind her back
+and laughed.
+
+"You have been looking into my closet!" she declared. "You sit there
+and try to look innocent, and you know everything that I have, down
+to the last ribbon! Well, I just can't afford to pay your old
+tariff. It would simply ruin me. And the men will never know,
+anyway. They don't notice such things. I could wear a different
+dress every day, and they wouldn't know it."
+
+"But I know it," said Laura, reprovingly. "Do you think it is right,
+Kitty, to smuggle things into the house that way? Is it fair to
+Bobberty?"
+
+"There!" exclaimed Kitty, dropping a jingling coin into Bobberts'
+bank. "There is a quarter for him! That is every cent I can afford."
+
+"That wouldn't pay the duty on one single shirt-waist," said Laura,
+quietly.
+
+"It wouldn't," admitted Kitty, frankly, bending over Laura and
+taking her face in her hands. She turned the face upward and looked
+in its eyes. Then she bent down and whispered in Laura's ear, and
+laughed as a blush suffused Laura's face.
+
+"I was short of money," said Laura with dignity, "and I mean to pay
+the duty as soon as I get my next week's allowance. I simply had to
+have a new purse, and you coaxed me to buy it. It wasn't smuggling
+at all."
+
+"Wasn't it?" asked Kitty. "Then why did you ask me to leave it in
+my room, instead of showing it to Tom? Smuggler!"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby arose and walked away. She turned to the kitchen and
+opened the door. She was just in time to see Bridget lower a bottle
+from her lips and hastily conceal it behind her skirts.
+
+"Bridget!" she exclaimed sharply, with horror.
+
+"'Tis th' doctor's orders, ma'am," said Bridget. "'Tis for me cold."
+
+She coughed as well as she could, but it was not a very successful
+cough. Mrs. Fenelby hesitated a moment, and then she pointed to the
+door.
+
+"You may pack your trunk, Bridget," she said, and Bridget jerked off
+her apron and stamped out of the kitchen.
+
+"But perhaps the poor thing was taking it by her doctor's orders,"
+suggested Kitty, when Mrs. Fenelby, red eyed, went into the front
+rooms again.
+
+"She'll have to go," said Mrs. Fenelby, dolefully. "I can't have a
+drinking servant where poor, dear Bobberts is. But that isn't what
+makes me feel so badly. It is to think how that girl has deceived
+me. I treated her just as I would treat one of the family, and she
+pretended to be so fond of Bobberts, and so interested in his
+education, and so eager to help his fund, and here she has been
+smuggling liquor into the house all the time."
+
+She wiped her eyes and sighed.
+
+"And liquor is a luxury, and pays thirty per cent.," she said sadly.
+"I don't know who to trust when I can't trust a girl like Bridget.
+She should have paid the duty the minute she brought the stuff into
+the house. It just shows that you can't place any reliance on that
+class."
+
+Kitty nodded assent.
+
+"You'll have to pay her," she said. "Shall I run up and get your
+purse?"
+
+She went, and as she reached the hall, Billy entered. He gazed at
+Kitty's garments closely, making mental note of them for future
+comparisons, and as he stood aside to let her pass he held one hand
+carefully out of sight behind him. It held a package--an oblong
+package, sharply rectangular in shape. A close observer would have
+said it was a box such as contains fifty cigars when it is full, but
+it was not full. Billy had taken one of the cigars out when he made
+the purchase at the station cigar store.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE
+
+
+When Billy Fenelby had taken his box of cigars up to his room he
+came down again, but he did not go anywhere near Bobberts' bank, as
+he should have gone had he intended depositing in it the thirty per
+cent. of the value of the cigars, which was the duty due on cigars
+under the provisions of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. He walked out
+to the veranda and got into the hammock and began to read the
+morning paper.
+
+From time to time he let it hang down over the edge of the hammock,
+as if it bored him, and he glanced at the door as if he hoped
+someone would come out of the house. The paper was not very
+interesting that morning, and Billy had other things to think of. He
+had volunteered to keep an eye on Kitty, and to find out definitely,
+if he could, whether she was smuggling shirt-waists and other
+things--or had already smuggled them--into the house, contrary to
+the provisions of the tariff. He felt that the more he saw of girls
+the less he liked them, and that the more he saw of Kitty,
+particularly, the less he fancied her, but if he was going to do
+this amateur detective business he wanted to begin it as soon as
+possible, and he watched the door closely. He wanted to see whether
+Kitty would still wear the pink shirt-waist she had worn at
+breakfast, or the white one she had worn the evening before, or
+whether she would dare to wear another.
+
+The sudden departure of Bridget had upset the domestic affairs
+somewhat, and Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby were busy in the kitchen, but
+after the dishes were washed, and the rooms set to rights, and the
+beds made, and Bobberts given his bath, Kitty came out. It had been
+a long and tedious morning for Billy. There is nothing so helpless
+as a detective who can't work at his business of detecting, and when
+the job is to detect a pretty girl, and she won't show up, the
+waiting is rather tiresome. At one time Billy was almost tempted to
+go in and ask her to come out, and he would probably have gone in
+and snooped around a bit, if she had not appeared just then.
+
+Kitty came out with all the brazen effrontery of a hardened
+criminal. That is to say she came out singing, and with her hair
+perfectly in order, and looking in every way fresh and charming.
+Billy recognized this immediately as the wile of a malefactor trying
+to throw an officer of the law off the scent, but he was not to be
+discouraged by it, and he jumped out of the hammock and went up to
+her. She still wore the pink shirt-waist, and it was very becoming.
+She looked just as well in it as if she had paid the lawful ten per
+cent. duty on it. It is not the duty that makes that kind of a
+shirt-waist pretty; it is the way it is made, and the trimming. The
+girl that is in it helps some, too. It is a fact that a shirt-waist
+looks entirely different on different girls. You have to consider
+the girl and her shirt-waist together, as a whole or unit, if you
+are going to be able to recognize it when you see it again, and
+Billy was ready to consider it that way. If he ever saw that pink
+confection with that saucy chin and merry face above it again he
+meant to be able to recognize the combination. That is one of the
+duties of a detective.
+
+"Let's go out under the tree," he said, "and sit down, and--and talk
+it over. I have something I want to talk about."
+
+"Talk it over," said Kitty, lifting her eyebrows. "Talk what over?"
+
+You couldn't nonplus Billy that way, when he was in pursuit of his
+duty.
+
+"Well," he said, "we--that is, I didn't thank you for bringing me up
+that collar this morning. I want to thank you for it."
+
+"Yes?" said Kitty. "Well, here I am. Thank me. You did thank me
+once, but I don't care. Do it again."
+
+"Thank you," said Billy.
+
+"You're welcome," Kitty said, and then they both laughed.
+
+"What do you think of this Domestic Tariff business?" asked Billy,
+seeking to lead her into some admission of which he could make use
+as proof of her smuggling.
+
+"I think it is a simply splendid idea!" Kitty declared. "I am sure
+no one but Tom could have thought of it, and the very minute I heard
+of it I went into it body and soul. It was so clever of him to
+conceive such an idea, and such a simple way to build up an
+education fund for dear, sweet, little Bobberts! And isn't it nice
+of Tom and Laura to let us be in it and pay our share of the duty.
+It makes us feel so much more as if we were really part of the
+family."
+
+"Doesn't it?" said Billy. "It makes us feel as if we had a right to
+be here--when we pay duty and all that. I feel like bringing in a
+lot of stuff just so that I can pay duty on it. I was thinking
+about it this morning, and about that little joke of mine about not
+bringing in that collar last night, and I felt what I had missed by
+leaving it out on the porch, so I got up and went down for it. That
+was how you happened to meet me in the hall--I wanted to get it and
+bring it in so I could pay the duty, and be in the fun myself. You
+don't think I was going to smuggle it in, do you?"
+
+"Oh, no!" said Kitty, with a long-drawn o. "Nobody would be so mean
+as to smuggle anything into the house, when the duty all goes to
+dear little Bobberts. It is such fun to pay duty, just as if the
+house was a real nation. It is like being part of the nation, and
+you know we women are not that. We can't vote, nor anything, and a
+chance like this is so rare that we enjoy it immensely. You didn't
+think it was queer that I should go down so early in the morning to
+get your collar and bring it in, did you?"
+
+"Well, of course," said Billy, doubtfully, "it wasn't your collar,
+you know. It was my collar."
+
+"I know it was," Kitty admitted frankly, "but you know how little we
+women can bring into the house. Hardly anything. We shop and shop,
+but we hardly ever really buy anything, and all the time I am just
+crazy to be paying duty, and to know whether it is ten per cent. or
+thirty per cent., and all that, as if I was a man, and so, when I
+happened to think of that collar that you had left down here on the
+porch railing, I saw it was my chance, and I decided to come down
+and get it and bring it into the house, so I could have the fun of
+paying the duty on it. So I came down and got it. And just as I
+reached the landing on my way up I met you, and I was so surprised
+that I just handed the collar to you."
+
+"Of course," said Billy. "That was just the way it was, except that
+_I_ had just reached the landing on _my_ way up, when you handed me
+the collar. _You_ couldn't have just reached the landing, because if
+you had we would have been going up the stairs together, side by
+side, and we were not doing that. _I_ was going up the stairs, and
+just as I reached the landing you came from somewhere and handed me
+the collar."
+
+"Isn't that what I said?" asked Kitty sweetly. "It amounts to the
+same thing, anyway, doesn't it? I had the collar, and you got it. I
+suppose you paid the duty on it?"
+
+"Me?" said Billy. "Not much! I didn't bring it into the house; you
+brought it in. You have to pay the duty."
+
+"I pay the duty on your collar?" laughed Kitty. "Well, I should
+think I would not! I went down and got it for you, and that was
+nothing but an act of kindness that anybody would do for anybody
+else. You can pay your own duties."
+
+"Oh, I sha'n't pay a duty on it!" scoffed Billy. "I didn't want the
+collar. I didn't need it, and I refused to bring it into the house
+on principle. I don't believe in tariff duties. I'm a free trader. I
+wouldn't smuggle, and I wouldn't pay duty, and so I left it outside.
+You should have left it there. You didn't leave it there, and so it
+is your duty to pay the duty."
+
+"Never!" declared Kitty.
+
+For a few minutes they were silent, and Billy looked glumly at the
+street. Then he cheered up suddenly. He looked at Kitty and smiled.
+
+"I'll tell you what let's do!" he exclaimed. "Let's go out under the
+tree and talk it over. We'll go out under the tree and talk it all
+over. That is the only way we can settle it."
+
+"It is settled now," said Kitty. "I don't think it needs any more
+settling."
+
+Billy beamed upon her cheerfully.
+
+"Well," he said, "let's go out under the tree and--and unsettle it."
+
+For a moment Kitty seemed to hesitate, but that was only for Billy's
+good, lest he think she yielded to his whims too readily. Then she
+went, and draped herself gracefully upon the sweet, dry grass, and
+Billy sat himself cross-legged near her.
+
+"Now, what do you think of this Domestic Tariff business, anyway?"
+he asked.
+
+"I think it is the silliest thing I ever heard of," said Kitty
+frankly. "I never heard of a man with real sense conceiving such a
+thing. As if such a lot of nonsense is needed to save a few dollars
+for an education that isn't to come about for sixteen years or so!
+And the idea of making his guests pay the duty too! It is the most
+unhospitable thing I ever heard of!"
+
+"Isn't it?" agreed Billy, promptly. "It makes us feel as if we had
+no right to be here. A man can't afford to bring even the things he
+needs, when he has to pay that exorbitant duty on everything. And it
+is so much worse on you. Now I can get along with very little. A man
+can, you know. But how is a girl going to do without all the things
+she is accustomed to? I believe," he said, confidentially lowering
+his voice and glancing at the house, "I believe, if I were a girl,
+I would be tempted to smuggle in the things I really needed."
+
+"Would you?" asked Kitty, sweetly. "But then you men have different
+ideas of such things, don't you? You don't think a girl would do
+such a thing, do you? Would you advise it? I don't know whether--how
+would you go about smuggling, if you wanted to? But I don't believe
+it would be honest, would it?"
+
+She turned up to him two such innocent eyes that Billy almost
+blushed. There is no satisfaction in knowing a person is guilty, the
+satisfaction is in making the person look guilty, and Kitty looked
+like an innocent child questioning the face of a tempter and seeing
+guilt there. He longed to ask her outright how she happened to have
+a pink shirt-waist, but he did not dare to, lest he put her at once
+on her guard. He felt a great desire to take her by the shoulders
+and shake her out of her calm superiority. It was very trying to
+him. No girl had a right to act as if she thought herself the
+superior of any man. Just to show her how inferior she was he
+dropped the subject of the tariff entirely and began a conversation
+on Ibsen. He did not know much about Ibsen but he knew a little and
+he could lead her beyond her depths and make her feel her
+inferiority that way. Kitty listened to him with an amused smile,
+and then told him a few things about Ibsen, quoted a few
+enlightening pages from Hauptmann, routed him, slaughtered him
+gently as he fled from position to position, and ended by asking him
+if he had ever read anything of Ibsen's. It was very trying to
+Billy. This girl evidently had no respect for the superior brain of
+man whatever.
+
+"I think the lawn needs sprinkling," he said, coldly.
+
+"Do you know how it should be done?" she asked, and that was the
+final insult. Nice girls never asked such questions in such a way.
+Nice girls looked up with wonder in their eyes and said, "Oh! You
+men know how to do everything!" That settled Billy's opinion of
+Kitty! She was evidently one of these over-educated, forward,
+scheming, coquetting girls. She had not even said, "Oh! don't
+sprinkle the lawn now; stay here and talk with me." He squared his
+shoulders and marched over to the sprinkling apparatus, while she
+sat with her back against the tree and watched him. He turned on the
+water and adjusted the nozzle to a good strong flow. He wet the
+lawn at the rear of the house first, and was pulling the hose after
+him into the front lawn when Mrs. Fenelby suddenly appeared on the
+porch. She had a box of cigars in her hand, and when he saw them
+Billy jumped guiltily.
+
+"Billy!" she exclaimed, "Are these your cigars?"
+
+"Why, say!" he said, after one glance at her face on which suspicion
+was but too plainly imprinted. "Those are cigars, aren't they?
+That's a whole box of cigars, isn't it?"
+
+"It is," said Mrs. Fenelby, severely, "and I found it in your room.
+I don't remember having received any duty on a box of cigars,
+Billy. I hope you were not trying to smuggle them in. I hope you
+were not trying to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, Billy."
+
+Billy held the nozzle limply in one hand and let the stream pour
+wastefully at his feet.
+
+"That box of cigars--" he began weakly. "That box of cigars, the box
+you found in my room, well, that is a box of cigars. You see, Mrs.
+Fenelby," he continued, cautiously, "that box of cigars was up there
+in my room, and--Now, you know I wouldn't try to smuggle anything
+in, don't you? Now, I'll tell you all about it." But he didn't. He
+looked at the box thoughtfully. He saw now that he had been silly to
+buy a whole box. A man should not buy more than a handful at a time.
+
+"Well?" said Mrs. Fenelby, impatiently.
+
+"Isn't that the box you bought when you went over to the station
+with Tom this morning?" asked Kitty, sweetly. "You brought back a
+box when you returned you know."
+
+Billy turned his head and glared at her. But she only smiled at him.
+He did not dare to look Mrs. Fenelby in the eye.
+
+"Tom smokes a great deal, doesn't he?" Kitty continued lightly. "I
+wondered when you brought that box of cigars back with you if he
+hadn't asked you to bring them over for him. That was what I thought
+the moment I saw you with them."
+
+"Why, yes, of course," said Billy, with relief. "That was how it
+was. I--I didn't like to say it, you know," he assured Mrs. Fenelby,
+eagerly, "I--I didn't know just how Tom would feel about it. Tom
+will pay the duty. When he comes home this evening. He couldn't come
+home from the station--and miss his train--and all that sort of
+thing--just to pay the duty on a box of cigars, could he? So I
+brought them home. It is perfectly plain and simple! You see if he
+doesn't pay the duty as soon as he gets in the house. Tom wouldn't
+want to smuggle them in, Mrs. Fenelby. You shouldn't think he would
+do such a thing. I'm--I'm surprised that you should think that of
+Tom."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby looked at him doubtfully, and then glanced at Kitty's
+innocent face. She shook her head. It did not seem just what Tom
+would have done, but she could not deny that it might be so. She
+would know all about it when he came home in the evening. She cast a
+glance at the lawn, and uttered a cry. Billy was pouring oceans of
+water at full pressure upon her pansy bed, and the poor flowers were
+dashing madly about and straining at their roots. Some were already
+lying washed out by the roots. Billy looked, and swung the nozzle
+sharply around, and the scream that Kitty uttered told him that he
+had hit another mark. That pink shirt-waist looked disreputable.
+Water was dripping from all its laces, and from Kitty's hair, and
+her cheeks glistened with pearly drops. She was drenched.
+
+"Goodness!" she exclaimed, shaking her hanging arms and her
+down-bent head, and then glancing at Billy, who stood idiotically
+regarding her, she laughed. He was a statue of miserable regret, and
+the limply held garden hose was pouring its stream unheeded into his
+low shoes. Wet as she was, and uncomfortable, she could not refrain
+from laughing, for Billy could not have looked more guilty if she
+had been sugar and had completely melted before his eyes. Even Mrs.
+Fenelby laughed.
+
+"It doesn't matter a bit!" said Kitty, reassuringly. "Really, I
+don't mind it at all. It was nice and cool."
+
+She was very pretty, from Billy's point of view, as she stood with a
+wisp or two of wet hair coquettishly straggling over her face. Mrs.
+Fenelby would have said she looked mussy, but there is something
+strangely enticing to a man in a bit of hair wandering astray over a
+pretty face. Before marriage, that is. It quite finished Billy. He
+forgave her all just on account of those few wet, wandering locks.
+
+"I'm so sorry!" he said, with enormous contrition. "I'm awfully
+sorry. I'm--I'm mighty sorry. Really, I'm sorry."
+
+"Now, it doesn't matter a bit," said Kitty lightly. "Not a bit! I'll
+just run up and get on something dry--"
+
+"You had better shut off the water," said Mrs. Fenelby, and went
+into the house.
+
+Billy laid the hose carefully at his feet.
+
+"I say," he said, hesitatingly, to Kitty, "wear the one you had on
+last night--the white one. I--I think that one's pretty."
+
+"Oh, no!" said Kitty. "I can't wear that one. That one is all mussed
+up. I can't wear that one again. I have a lovely blue one."
+
+"No!" said Billy, whispering, and glancing suspiciously at the
+house. "Not blue! Please don't! It--it's dangerous."
+
+"Oh, but it is a dream of a waist!" said Kitty. "You wait until you
+see it."
+
+"No!" pleaded Billy again. "Not a blue one! If you wore a blue
+one I couldn't help but notice it was blue. It isn't safe. Don't
+wear a blue one, or a green one, or a brown one. Just a white one.
+Not any other color; just white. You see," he said with sudden
+confidentiality, "I'm a detective. I'm detecting for Tom. I told him
+I would, and I've got to keep my word. He has a notion someone is
+smuggling things into the house without paying the duty, and he got
+me to detect at you for him. We're suspicious about your clothes.
+There's a white waist, and this pink waist, already, and if you go
+to wearing blue ones and all sorts of colors, I can't help but
+notice it. I don't want to get you into trouble with Tom, you know."
+He hesitated a moment and then said, "You helped me out about those
+cigars."
+
+"All right!" said Kitty, cheerfully, "I'll wear a white one, but I
+think you might be color blind if you really want to help me."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+THE FIELD OF DISHONOR
+
+
+There was a train from the city at 6:02, and Tom was not likely to
+be home on one earlier. At 5:48 Kitty and Billy and Mrs. Fenelby
+were sitting on the porch, and Bobberts was lying in a tilted-back
+rocking chair, behaving himself. It was a calm and peaceful suburban
+scene--the stillness and the loneliness and the mosquitoes were all
+present. It was the idle time when no one cares whether time flies
+or halts. Mrs. Fenelby had the table set and the cold dinner ready;
+Kitty was primped; and Billy should have had nothing in the world to
+do, but he had been opening and closing his watch every minute for
+the last half hour. He was uneasy. At 5:48 he arose and stretched
+out his arms.
+
+"I guess," he said as lazily as he could; "I guess I'll walk down
+and meet Tom. I haven't been out much to-day."
+
+There was one thing he had to do. He had to see Tom before Mrs.
+Fenelby could see him, and explain about that box of cigars. If Tom
+was to be held responsible for the duty on it Tom should at least
+know that a box of cigars had been brought into the house. It was
+absolutely necessary for Billy to see Tom, and explain a few things.
+
+"We have none of us been out enough to-day," said Mrs. Fenelby. "It
+will do us all good to walk down to the station, and we will take
+Bobberts."
+
+Billy stood still. The cheerful expression that had rested on his
+face faded. There would be a pretty lot of trouble if the whole lot
+of them went in a group, and he wondered that Kitty did not see
+this, and why she did not say something to dissuade Mrs. Fenelby
+from leaving the house. He simply had to get a few words with Tom in
+private before Mrs. Fenelby could ask her husband about the cigars.
+
+[Illustration: "When the 6:02 pulled in"]
+
+"I wouldn't advise it," said Billy, shaking his head. "No, indeed. I
+wouldn't take the chance, Laura." He walked to the end of the porch
+and peered earnestly at the western sky. It was a singularly clear
+and cloudless sky. "I'm afraid it will rain," he explained, boldly.
+"It wouldn't do to take Bobberts out and let him get rained on. It
+looks just like one of those evenings when a rain comes up all of
+a sudden. I wouldn't risk it."
+
+"Nonsense!" said Mrs. Fenelby, shortly, and she gathered the crowing
+Bobberts into her arms and started. Kitty also arose, but Billy hung
+back.
+
+"I guess I won't go," he declared. "It looks too much like rain."
+
+"Nonsense!" declared Mrs. Fenelby again. "You come right along. I
+don't believe it will rain for a week."
+
+There was nothing for him to do but to go, and he went. The three of
+them were standing on the platform when the 6:02 pulled in, and they
+looked eagerly for Mr. Fenelby, but they did not see him among the
+alighting commuters. Mr. Fenelby saw them first. He saw them before
+the train pulled up to the station, for he had been standing on the
+car platform with a box under his arm, ready to make a dash for home
+the moment the train stopped, but now he stepped back and, as the
+train slowed down, he jumped off on the opposite side of the train.
+There was a small row of evergreens on the little lawn of the
+station, and he stepped behind one of them and waited. Between the
+thin branches of the tree he could see his family, when the train
+pulled out, looking eagerly at the straggling line of commuters. The
+box he held was heavy, and he hoped the family would soon decide
+that he had missed the train, and would go home, but he saw Mrs.
+Fenelby seat herself on the waiting-bench. He saw Kitty take a seat
+beside her, and he saw Billy, after evident hesitation, take the
+seat next to Kitty. The evergreen tree was small, and the next tree
+to it was ten feet distant. He was marooned behind that tree.
+
+Mr. Fenelby instantly saw that he had done a foolish thing. He had
+that overwhelming sense of foolishness that comes to a man at times,
+when he thinks he has never done a sane and sound act in his whole
+silly life. Mr. Fenelby realized that he had been foolish when he
+had bought, on the subscription plan, a complete set of Eugene
+Field's works, bound in three-quarters levant morocco, twelve
+volumes for thirty-six dollars. He realized that although he had had
+to pay but five dollars down, to the agent, he would have to pay
+thirty per cent. of the value of the whole set, in duty, the moment
+he took the books into the house. He realized that he had been silly
+to bring the whole heavy set home at one time. He realized that he
+had been positively childish when he thought of hiding himself
+behind this miserable little tree, with this heavy box in his arms
+and six suburban stores staring him full in the face. He wondered
+what the proprietors of the six stores would think of him if they
+happened to see him hiding there behind the tree, while his whole
+family awaited him on the station platform. And then, as he happened
+to remember that one of the stores was a drug-store with a
+soda-fountain, he shuddered. Given three suburbanites on a station
+platform, and a train not due for thirty minutes for which they must
+wait, and a soda-fountain across the way, and the answer is that the
+three suburbanites will soon be in the place where the soda-fountain
+is.
+
+When Mrs. Fenelby arose Mr. Fenelby shifted the box of books into a
+more secure angle of his arm, and as the trio, and Bobberts, started
+across the track and lawn Mr. Fenelby edged cautiously around the
+tree to keep it between him and them. The trade of smuggler has ever
+been one of wild adventure and excitement.
+
+He peered at them until they entered the drug-store, and then he
+backed cautiously away, step by step, with the tree as a screen. As
+he reached the corner of the station he turned and ran, and as he
+turned he saw Billy hurry out of the drug-store and run, and Mrs.
+Fenelby and Kitty hurry out after Billy. Mr. Fenelby did not wait
+to see if they also ran. He ran all the way home, and hurried into
+the house, and up the stairs to the attic. He felt better about the
+set of Field now. He had always wanted it, and he deserved it, for
+he had waited for it long. He could hide it in the attic and bring
+it into the realm of the tariff duty one volume at a time. He felt
+his way into the fartherest corner and pushed the box under the
+rafters. It would not quite go back where he wanted it to go, for
+something was in the way of it. He pulled the other thing out. It
+was also a box. It was another box of Eugene Field in twelve
+volumes, three-quarter levant, and it was addressed to "Mrs. Thomas
+Fenelby." There had never been any duty paid on books since the
+Commonwealth of Bobberts had been established. For a moment Mr.
+Fenelby frowned angrily; then he smiled. He hid his set of Field in
+the other corner of the attic, and hurried down stairs.
+
+He expected to find Billy there, for he had seen him start to run
+when he left the drug-store, but there was no Billy in sight, and
+Mr. Fenelby seated himself in the hammock and waited. He was ready
+to receive his returning family with an easy conscience. His box was
+well hidden. When they appeared in the distance he saw that they
+were all together, Billy and the two girls and Bobberts, and Mr.
+Fenelby arose and waved his hand to them. He was ready to be merry
+and jovial, and to tease them cheerfully because they had not seen
+him when he got off the train. But Mrs. Fenelby climbed the porch
+steps with an air of anger.
+
+"Good evening," she said, coldly. "I see you are home."
+
+She laid Bobberts in the chair and faced Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"Now, I want to know what all this means!" she declared. "I think
+there is something peculiar going on in this family. Why did Billy
+run all the way down to the next station so that he could be the
+first to meet you as you came home this evening? Why did you avoid
+us at the station and hurry home this way? You may think I am
+simple, Thomas Fenelby, but I believe somebody is smuggling things
+into the house without paying the tariff duty on them! I believe you
+and Billy are conspiring to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, and I
+want to know the truth about it! I believe Kitty is in it too!"
+
+"Laura!" exclaimed Kitty, with horror, recoiling from her, while the
+two men stood sheepishly. "Why, Laura Fenelby! If you say such a
+thing I shall go right up and pack my clothes and go home!"
+
+"What clothes?" asked Mr. Fenelby, meaningly. Kitty ignored the
+insinuation.
+
+"You three should not dare to look me in the face and talk about
+smuggling," she declared. "You dare to accuse me. I would like to
+have you explain about that box upstairs first."
+
+Mr. Fenelby and Billy and Mrs. Fenelby paled. For one moment there
+was perfect silence while Kitty, with folded arms, looked at them
+scornfully. Then, with strange simultaneousness, all three opened
+their mouths and said:
+
+"I'll explain about that box!"
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+BOBBERTS INTERVENES
+
+
+Kitty stood scornfully triumphant awaiting the next words of the
+guilty trio, and three more cowed and guilt-stricken smugglers never
+faced an equally guilty accuser with such uncomfortable feelings.
+Billy was sorry he had ever tried to fabricate the story about Mr.
+Fenelby having asked him to bring the box of cigars home; Mr.
+Fenelby wished he had left the set of Eugene Field's works at the
+office, and Mrs. Fenelby was, perhaps, the most worried of all, for
+she did not know whether to admit her guilt and own that she had
+brought a set of Eugene Field into the house without paying the
+duty, or to annihilate the accusing Kitty by declaring that Kitty
+had a whole closet full of smuggled garments. It was a trying
+situation.
+
+In a drama this would have been the cue for the curtain to fall with
+a rush, ending the act and leaving the audience a space to wonder
+how the complication could ever be untangled, but on the Fenelby's
+porch there was no curtain to fall. So Bobberts fell instead.
+
+He raised his pink hands and his head, rolled over in the porch
+rocker in which he had been lying, and fell to the porch floor with
+a bump. A curtain could not have ended the scene more quickly. Never
+in his life had he been so cruelly treated as by this faithless
+rocking-chair. He had reposed his simple faith in it, and it threw
+him to earth, and then rocked joyously across him. His voice arose
+in short, piercing yells. He turned purple with rage and pain. He
+drew up his knees and simply, soulfully screamed. Up and down the
+street neighbors came out upon their verandas, napkins in hand, and
+stared wonderingly at the Fenelby porch. Kitty and Billy stood like
+a wooden Mr. and Mrs. Noah in the toy ark, but Mr. Fenelby and Laura
+sprang to Bobberts' aid and gathered him into their arms, ordering
+each other to do things, and soothing Bobberts at the same time.
+
+The Fenelby Domestic Tariff was entirely forgotten.
+
+"Well!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, when Bobberts had tapered off from
+the yells of rage to the steady weeping of injured feelings. "What
+are you standing there like two sticks for? Can't you see poor,
+dear little Bobberts is nearly killed? Why don't you do something?"
+
+There was really nothing they could do. Mr. and Mrs. Fenelby made
+such a compact crowd around Bobberts that no one else could squeeze
+in, but Kitty dropped on her knees and edged up to the crowd,
+murmuring, "Poor Bobberts! Poor Bobberts!"
+
+Billy stood awkwardly, feeling in his pockets. He had an idea that
+if he could find something to jingle before Bobberts it might be
+about the right thing to do, but his hand touched one of the
+smuggled cigars, and he withdrew it as if his fingers had been
+burnt. This poor, weeping child was the Bobberts he had been
+cheating of a few pennies. He touched Kitty diffidently on the
+shoulder.
+
+"Can't I do something?" he asked, pleadingly, and Kitty took pity on
+him.
+
+"Heat some water; very hot!" she said. She was not a baby expert,
+but she felt that hot water would not be a bad thing to have handy
+in a case like this. There is one good thing about hot water--if it
+is not wanted it does no harm, for if allowed to stand it will get
+cool again--and it pleased her to be able to order Billy to do
+something. The prompt and eager manner in which he obeyed the order
+pleased her still more. He ran all the way to the kitchen.
+
+Half an hour later he cautiously carried a dish-pan full of water to
+the porch and stared in amazement at the place where he had left
+Bobberts and his parents. They were gone! He felt that he had not
+been quite as quick with the water as he might have been, for the
+only burner that had been lighted on the gas range was the
+"simmerer," and that had only a flame as large around as a dollar,
+and not strong, but he had not dared to light another. He had a dim
+remembrance that stoves of some kind sometimes exploded, and he did
+not want to risk an explosion by tampering with an unknown stove. He
+felt that a stove and Bobberts both exploding at the same time would
+have been more than the Fenelbys could have borne. As he stood
+holding the pan of hot water well away from him the sound of the
+click of knives and forks on china came to him through the open
+window. Only a little of the hot water spilled over the edge of the
+pan upon his legs as he opened the screen door and entered the hall.
+
+He walked carefully, bent over and holding the pan at arm's length,
+and as he entered the dining room the three diners looked up at him
+in open mouthed surprise. They had forgotten all about Billy.
+
+"Here it is," said Billy, with modest pride and an air of
+accomplishment. "It is good and hot. I let it get as hot as it
+could."
+
+The blank amazement that had dulled the face of Kitty gave way to a
+look of understanding and a smile as she remembered having ordered
+him to get hot water, but the amazement on the faces of Mr. Fenelby
+and his wife remained as blank as ever.
+
+"It is hot water," said Billy, explaining. "I heated it. What shall
+I do with it?"
+
+The sodden surprise on Mr. Fenelby's face melted away. A dish-pan
+full of hot water served during the course of a cold dinner had
+amusing elements, and Mr. Fenelby smiled. So did Mrs. Fenelby.
+Everybody smiled but Billy. He was serious.
+
+"Well," he said, with a touch of impatience, "these handles are hot.
+I can't stand here holding them all night. What do you want me to do
+with this hot water?"
+
+"What do you want to do with it?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "What do you
+usually do with a panful of hot water when you have one? You might
+take a bath, if you want to. You will find the bath-room at the top
+of the stairs, first turn to the left. Run along, and don't stay in
+the water too long."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby and Kitty laughed, and Mr. Fenelby smiled broadly at
+his own humor. Billy blushed.
+
+"I heated it for Bobberts," he said, stiffly.
+
+"Thank you!" said Mr. Fenelby. "But we won't boil Bobberts this
+evening, Billy. Not just now, anyhow. We like to oblige, but we
+can't be expected to boil our only son just because you turn up in
+the middle of a meal with a pan of hot water. If we ever boil him it
+will not be in the middle of a meal. Please don't insist."
+
+Billy reddened to the roots of his hair. Mrs. Fenelby was laughing
+openly and Tom was pleased with the excellence of his joke. Billy
+raised his head angrily and strode out of the room, and Kitty, from
+whose face the smile had fled, started up with blazing eyes.
+
+"I think you are horrid!" she cried, turning to Bobberts' laughing
+parents. "I think you ought to thank him instead of making fun of
+him. I told him to heat the water, because Bobberts was hurt, and I
+thought you might want it, and because he was trying to be helpful
+and--and nice, you sit there and laugh at him. If you want to make
+fun of anyone, make fun of me! I suppose you will!"
+
+"Why, Kitty!" cried Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Yes!" cried Kitty. "I suppose you will. That seems to be what you
+want to do--make your guests as uncomfortable as you can. You don't
+want us here. You make up this foolish tariff to make trouble, and
+you drive away your servants so that we feel that we are imposing on
+you, and you make fun of us when we try to be helpful--"
+
+"Why, Kitty!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby again.
+
+"You do!" Kitty declared. "I'm surprised at you, Laura Fenelby, I
+am indeed. I'm surprised that you should let your husband dictate
+to you, and make you his slave with his tariffs and such things, but
+you like it. Very well, be his slave if you want to. But I can see
+one thing--Billy and I are not wanted in this house. You and your
+husband just want to be alone and enjoy your selfish house. The best
+thing Billy and I can do is to go. I can see very plainly now,
+Laura, that you got up that silly tariff just to drive us out of the
+house. Very well, we will go!"
+
+She turned from the amazed parents of Bobberts to the amazed Billy
+who was standing in the hall with the inoffensive pan of hot water
+in his hands, and put her hand on his arm.
+
+"Come!" she said. "I am going up to pack my trunks."
+
+For a moment after the shock the Fenelbys sat in surprised silence,
+looking blankly each into the other's face, and then Laura spoke.
+
+"Tom," she gasped, "they mustn't leave this way!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby slowly folded his napkin, and as slowly placed it in the
+ring. Then he laid the ring gently on the table and arranged his
+knife and fork side by side on his plate, as prescribed by the guide
+books to good manners.
+
+"She said she was going up stairs to pack her trunks," he said with
+deliberation. "To pack her trunks. If she has enough to pack into
+trunks, Laura, there has been smuggling going on in this house."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby folded her napkin as slowly as her husband had just
+folded his, and she kept her eyes on it as she answered.
+
+"Tom," she said, "do you think it is quite the time now to talk of
+smuggling? Wouldn't it be better if you went up and apologized to
+Kitty and Billy?"
+
+"Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "it is always time to talk of smuggling.
+The foundation of the home is order; order can only be maintained
+by living up to such rules as are made; the Fenelby Domestic Tariff
+is more than a rule, it is a law. If we let the laws of our home be
+trampled under foot by whoever chooses the whole thing totters,
+sways and falls. The home is wrecked and sorrow and dissention come.
+Dissention leads to misunderstanding and divorce. That is why I am
+strict. That is why I refuse to let two strangers wreck our whole
+lives by ignoring the Domestic Tariff. If they do not like the laws
+of our little Commonwealth, they can go. The door is open!"
+
+"Thomas Fenelby," said his wife, "I think you are horrid! I never
+knew anything so unhospitable in my life. It isn't as if no one in
+this house ever broke that tariff law except Kitty and Billy; you
+haven't explained about that box--"
+
+Mr. Fenelby reddened and he looked at his wife sternly.
+
+"Do you mean the box I found hidden under the eaves in the attic,
+addressed to you, my dear?" he asked with cutting sweetness, and
+Mrs. Fenelby, in turn, grew red and gasped.
+
+"You are mean!" she exclaimed. "I think you are not--not nice to go
+poking around under eaves and things, trying to find some blame to
+throw up to your wife! I wish you had never thought of your horrid
+tariff, and--and--"
+
+She put her handkerchief to her eyes, and a minute later went out of
+the room and up the stairs. Mr. Fenelby heard her cross the floor
+above him, and heard the creaking of the bed as she threw herself
+upon it. He looked sternly out of the dining room window awhile.
+Never, never had his wife spoken such words to him before. If she
+wished to act so it was very well--she should be taught a lesson.
+She was vexed because she had been caught in a palpable case of
+smuggling herself. Now he--
+
+He arose and took Bobberts' bank from the mantel; from his pocket he
+drew a small collection of loose change and one or two small bills,
+and saving out one dime he fed the rest into Bobberts' bank. For a
+few more minutes he looked gloomily from the window, and then he
+went gloomily forth and dropped into the hammock.
+
+With cautious steps Billy Fenelby stole down the stairs and bending
+over the rail looked into the dining room. It was empty, and he
+tip-toed down the rest of the way and, glancing from side to side
+like one fearing discovery, dropped a handful of loose coins into
+Bobberts' bank. As he ascended the stairs his face wore the look of
+a man who is square with the world.
+
+As she heard the door close upon him when he entered his room Mrs.
+Fenelby rose from her bed and wiped her eyes. She took her purse
+from the dresser and opened it, then paused for she heard a door
+opening slowly. She heard light steps cross the hall and descend the
+stairs, but she could not see Kitty. She could only hear the faint
+click of coin dropping upon coin in the dining room below her. She
+knew that Kitty was feeding Bobberts' education fund, and she
+waited until she heard Kitty's door close again, and then she went
+down and poured into the opening of the bank the remains of her
+week's household allowance, and began the task of clearing the
+table. As she worked the tears splattered down upon the plates as
+she bent over them. How could Tom be so cruel and unfeeling?
+Doubtless he was enjoying the thought of having hurt her feelings,
+if he had not already forgotten all about her, taking his ease in
+the hammock.
+
+She glanced out of the window at him. There he lay, but as she
+looked he raised his hands and struck himself twice on the head
+with his clenched fists and groaned like a man in misery. For a
+moment he lay still and then once more he struck himself on the
+head, and drawing up his legs kicked them out angrily, like a
+naughty child in a tantrum. He was _not_ having the most blissful
+moments of his life. Once more he drew up his legs and kicked, and
+the hammock turned over and dumped him on the floor of the porch.
+
+"Ouch!" he exclaimed quite normally, and looking up he saw his wife,
+and smiled. She not only smiled, but laughed, somewhat hysterically
+but forgivingly.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+TARIFF REFORM
+
+
+If a man really likes to wipe dishes, while his wife washes them,
+there is no better time for friendly confidences, and for the
+arrangement of difficulties. Diplomatists win their greatest battles
+for peace at the dinner-table, because the dinner-table gives
+abundant opportunity for the "interruption politic." When the
+argument reaches the fatal climax, and the final ultimatum is
+delivered, a boiled potato may still avert war: "Now, me lud, I ask
+you finally, will your government, or won't it? That is the
+question," and from the opposing diplomat come the words, "Beg
+pardon, your ludship, but will you kindly pass me the salt? Thanks!
+Don't you think the butter is a little strong?" and war is averted.
+Postponed, at least.
+
+Just so over the dish-wiping; the hard and fast logic of who's right
+and who's wrong is interrupted and turned aside by timely
+ejaculations of: "Oh, I did wipe that cup!" or interpolated
+questions, as: "Have you washed this plate yet, my dear?" A wise man
+who finds himself cornered can always drop one of the blown-glass
+tumblers on the floor--they only cost five cents--or ask,
+innocently: "Did I crack this plate, or was it already cracked?" By
+a judicious use of these little wreckers of consecutive speech Mr.
+and Mrs. Fenelby, over the dishes, reached a perfect understanding
+and forgot their quarrel. Mr. Fenelby said she was perfectly right
+in hiding the set of Eugene Field in the attic, since it was
+intended as a surprise for him on the anniversary of their wedding,
+and the payment of the tariff duty on it would have divulged the
+secret; and Mrs. Fenelby agreed that he was doing exactly the right
+thing when he did the same, and for the same reason; but they both
+agreed that Kitty and Billy had acted rather shamelessly in the
+matter of smuggling.
+
+"I know Billy," said Mr. Fenelby, "and I know him well. I won't say
+anything about Kitty, for she is your guest, but Billy would smuggle
+anything he could lay his hands on. He is a lawyer, and a young one,
+and all you have to do is to show a young lawyer a law, and he
+immediately begins to look for ways to get around it. I don't say
+this to excuse him. I just say it."
+
+"Well, you know how women are," said Mrs. Fenelby. "As sure as you
+get two or three women who have been abroad into a group they will
+begin telling how and what they were able to smuggle in when they
+came through the custom house. Some of them enjoy the smuggling part
+better than all the rest of their trips abroad, so what could you
+expect of Kitty when she had a perpetual custom house to smuggle
+things through? She looks on it as a sort of game, and the one that
+smuggles the most is the winner. I don't say this to excuse her. But
+it is so."
+
+"I am not the least sorry that Billy is offended, if he is," said
+Mr. Fenelby, between plates; "but if you wish I will apologize to
+Kitty, although I don't see why I should. The thing I am worrying
+about is Bobberts. I like this tariff plan, and I think it is a good
+way to raise money--if anyone ever pays the tariff duties--but I
+don't feel as if I was treating Bobberts right. Every time I put
+money in his bank in payment of the tariff duty on a thing I have
+brought into the house I feel that I am doing Bobberts a wrong. And
+the more I put in the more guilty I feel."
+
+"Of course it is all for his education fund," said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"I know it," said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what makes me feel so
+small and miserable when I pay my ten or thirty per cent. duty.
+Bobberts is my only son, and the dearest and sweetest baby that ever
+lived, and I ought to be glad to give money for his education fund
+voluntarily and freely; and yet we treat him as if we hated him and
+had to be forced to give him a few cents a day. We act as if he was
+nothing but a government treasury deficit, and instead of giving
+joyously and gladly because we love him, we act as if we had to have
+laws made to force us to give. I feel it more every time I have to
+pay tariff duty into his bank. I tell you, Laura, it isn't treating
+Bobberts in the right spirit. If he could understand he would be
+hurt and offended to think his parents were the kind that had to be
+compelled to give him an education, as if he were a reformatory
+child or a Home for something or other. Any tax is always unpopular,
+and that means it is annoying and vexatious; and what I am afraid of
+is that we will get to dislike Bobberts because we feel we are
+injuring him. I don't mind the tariff, myself, but I do want to be
+fair and square with Bobberts. He's the only child we have, Laura."
+
+"Oh, Tom!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, taking her hands out of the dish
+water; "do you think we have gone too far to make it all right
+again? Do you think we have hurt our love for him, or weakened it,
+or--or anything? If I thought so I should never, never forgive
+myself!"
+
+"I hope we haven't," said Mr. Fenelby, seriously; "but we must not
+take any more chances. If this thing goes on we will become quite
+hardened toward Bobberts, and cease to love him altogether."
+
+"We will stop this tariff right this very minute!" cried Mrs.
+Fenelby joyously. "I am so glad, Tom. I just hated the old thing!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby shook his head slowly and Mrs. Fenelby's face lost its
+radiance and became questioningly fear-struck.
+
+"What is it?" she asked, anxiously. "Can't we stop? Must we keep on
+with it forever and forever?"
+
+"You forget the Congress of the Commonwealth of Bobberts," said Mr.
+Fenelby. "The tariff law was passed by the congress, and it can only
+be repealed by the congress, with Bobberts present."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby wiped her hands hurriedly and rapidly untied her apron.
+
+"I hate to waken Bobberts," she said, "but I will! I'd do anything
+to have that tariff unpassed again."
+
+Mr. Fenelby put his hand on her arm, restraining her as she was
+about to rush from the kitchen.
+
+"Wait, Laura!" he said. "You forget that you and I are not the only
+States now. Kitty and Billy are States, too. You and I would not
+form a quorum. We must have Kitty and Billy."
+
+"Tom," she said, "I will get Kitty and Billy if I have to drag them
+in by main force!" and she went to find them. Ten minutes later she
+returned but without them. Mr. Fenelby had finished the dishes, and
+was hanging the dish-pan on its nail.
+
+The two needed States were nowhere to be found, neither in the
+house, nor on the porch, nor were they on the grounds. There was
+nothing to do but to await their return. It was quite late when
+Kitty and Billy returned, and the Fenelbys had grown tired of
+sitting on the porch and had gone inside, but Kitty and Billy did
+not seem to mind the dampness or the chill for the moon was
+beautiful, and they seated themselves in the hammock. Bobberts had
+been put to bed, and his parents had become almost merry with their
+old-time merriment as they contemplated the speedy over-throw of the
+Fenelby Domestic Tariff. The joy that comes from a tax repealed is
+greater than the peace that comes from paying a tax honestly. There
+is no fun in paying taxes. Not the least.
+
+"I think, Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, when he and his wife had
+listened to the slow creaking of the hammock hooks for some minutes,
+"you had better go out and tell them to come in."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby went. She let the porch screen slam as she went
+out--which was only fair--and she heard the low whispers change to
+louder tones, and a slight movement of feet; but she was not,
+evidently, intruding, for Kitty and Billy were quite primly disposed
+in the hammock when she reached them.
+
+"Hello!" she said pleasantly, "Won't you come in? We are going to
+vote on the tariff."
+
+"Go ahead and vote," said Billy cheerfully. "We won't interfere."
+
+"But we can't vote until you come in," explained Mrs. Fenelby. "We
+haven't a quorum until you come in. You are States, and we can't do
+anything until you come in."
+
+"Did you try?" asked Billy, just as cheerfully as before. "We don't
+want to vote. We are comfortable out here. If we must vote, bring
+your congress out here."
+
+"Billy, I would if I could," said Mrs. Fenelby, "but I can't!
+Bobberts has to be present, and he can't be brought out into the
+night air."
+
+Kitty half rose from the hammock. She felt to see that her hair was
+in order.
+
+"Come on, Billy," she said. "Be accommodating," and they went in.
+
+It was necessary to bring Bobberts down from the nursery, and Mrs.
+Fenelby brought him in, limp and sleeping, and sat with him in her
+arms. Mr. Fenelby explained why the meeting was called.
+
+"It is because Laura and I are tired of this tariff nonsense," he
+explained. "You and Kitty have seen how it works--everybody in the
+house mad at one another--"
+
+"Not Billy and I," interposed Kitty. "Are we Billy?"
+
+"Let us, for the sake of argument, suppose we are," said Billy. "We
+must give Tom a fair chance. It is his tariff, not ours."
+
+"Very well," said Kitty; "we are all angry! Let us quarrel!"
+
+"Seriously, now," said Mr. Fenelby, very seriously indeed, "this has
+got to stop! You and Kitty may think it is all a joke, but Laura and
+I went into this thing before you came, and we meant it seriously.
+We went into it in parliamentary form, and in good faith. Now we see
+it was all a mistake and we want to do away with it. If you will
+just take it seriously for five minutes--if you can be sensible that
+long--we will not trouble you with it any more. Laura, awaken
+Bobberts!"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby awakened the Territory by gently kissing him on his
+eyes, and he opened them and blinked sleepily at the ceiling.
+
+"Congress is in session," said Mr. Fenelby. "And Laura moves that
+the Fenelby Domestic Tariff be repealed and annulled. I second it.
+All in favor of the motion say--"
+
+"Stop!" exclaimed Billy, rising from his chair. "I object to this!
+Kitty and I did not come in here to have such an important motion
+rushed through without consideration. It is not parliamentary. I
+want to make a speech."
+
+"Oh, don't!" pleaded Mrs. Fenelby. "Think how late it is, Billy."
+
+"Mr. President and Ladies of Congress," said Billy unrelentingly;
+"we are asked to repeal our tariff laws, our beneficent laws,
+enacted to send Bobberts to college. We stand in the presence of two
+cruel parents who would take away from their only Territory its sole
+chance--as we were informed--of securing an education. We are asked
+to do this merely because there has been some slight difficulty in
+collecting the tariff tax. I am ashamed to be a State in a
+commonwealth that can put forward such an excuse. I care not what
+others may do, but as for me I shall never cast my vote to rob that
+poor innocent," he pointed feelingly toward Bobberts, "to rob him of
+his future happiness! Never. You won't either, will you, Kitty?"
+
+"I should think not!" exclaimed Kitty. "Poor little Bobberts!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby moved the papers on his desk nervously. He was tempted
+to say something about smuggling, but he controlled himself, for it
+would not do to antagonize one-half of congress. He felt that Kitty
+and Billy had been planning some great feats of smuggling, and that
+they had no desire to have their fun spoiled by the repeal of the
+tariff. Probably no smugglers are free traders at heart--free trade
+would ruin their business.
+
+He put the motion, and the vote was what he had expected--two for
+and two against the motion. It was not carried. For a few minutes
+all sat in silence, the air tingling with suppressed irritability. A
+word would have condensed it into cruel speech. It was Billy who
+broke the spell.
+
+"I'm going out to smoke another duty-paid cigar before I turn in,"
+he said. "Do you want to have a turn on the porch, Kitty?"
+
+"I think not. I'm tired. I'll go up, I think," said Kitty, and they
+left the room together.
+
+Mr. Fenelby gathered his papers and his book together and pushed
+them wearily into the desk. Then he dropped into a chair and looked
+sadly at the floor.
+
+"Tom," said Laura, "can't we stop the tariff anyway?"
+
+"Oh, no!" said her husband disconsolately. "We can't do anything.
+We've got to go ahead with the foolishness until Kitty and Billy go.
+They would laugh at us and crow over us all their lives if we
+didn't. Especially after the fool I have made of myself with this
+voting nonsense," he added bitterly.
+
+Mrs. Fenelby sighed.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+THE COUP D'ÉTAT
+
+
+The next morning dawned gloomily. The sky was a dull gray, and a
+sickening drizzle was falling, mixed with a thick fog that made
+everything and everybody soggy and damp. It was a most dismal and
+disheartening Sunday, without a ray of cheerfulness in it, and Mr.
+and Mrs. Fenelby felt the burden of the day keenly. The house had
+the usual Sunday morning air of untidiness. It was a bad day on
+which to take up the load of the tariff and carry it through twelve
+hours of servantless housekeeping.
+
+Breakfast was a sad affair. Kitty and Billy, who seemed in high
+spirits, tried to give the meal an air of gaiety, but Mr. Fenelby
+was glum and his wife naturally reflected some of his feeling, and
+after a few attempts to liven things Kitty and Billy turned their
+attention to each other and left the Fenelbys alone with their
+gloom. As soon as breakfast was over, Kitty, after a weak suggestion
+that she should help Laura with the dishes, carried Billy away,
+saying that no matter what happened she was going to church. The
+Fenelbys were glad to have them go, and Mr. Fenelby helped Laura
+carry out the breakfast things.
+
+"Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "I lay awake a long time last night
+thinking about the tariff, and something has got to be done about
+it! I cannot, as the father of Bobberts, let it go on as it is
+going."
+
+"I lay awake too," said Laura, "and I think exactly as you do, Tom."
+
+"I knew you would," said Mr. Fenelby. "The way Kitty and Billy are
+acting is not to be borne. They acted last night as if you and I
+were not capable of raising our own child! I really cannot put
+another cent in that bank under the tariff law, Laura. Just think
+how it looks--_we_ are not to be trusted to provide Bobberts with an
+education; _we_ are not fit to decide how to raise the money for
+him. No, Kitty and Billy are to be his guardians. They don't trust
+us; they insist that we shall keep ourselves bound by the tariff
+system. They think we don't love dear little Bobberts, and they
+think they can make us provide for him, just because they have the
+balance of power!"
+
+"Yes," said Laura sympathetically. "I thought of all that, Tom, and
+I don't think it does them much credit. It is easy enough for them
+to say there must be a tariff, when they bring hardly anything into
+the house that they have to pay duty on, but _we_ have to keep the
+house going. _We_ have to have vegetables and meat and all sorts of
+things, and they are making _us_ pay duty, while all they have to do
+is to eat and have a good time. Bobberts is our child, Tom, and it
+ought to be for us to say what we will save for him, and how we will
+save it."
+
+"That is just what I think," said Mr. Fenelby feelingly, "and I am
+not going to stand it any longer. I am going to have another meeting
+of congress this afternoon--"
+
+"They will vote just the same way," said Laura, hopelessly.
+
+"Probably," said Mr. Fenelby. "But if they do we will end the whole
+thing."
+
+"We can't send them away," said Laura. "We couldn't be so rude as
+that."
+
+"No," said Mr. Fenelby, "but we will secede. You and I and Bobberts
+will secede from the Union. I never believed in secession, Laura,
+but I see now that there are times when conditions become so
+intolerable that there is nothing else to do. We will give them a
+chance to vote the tariff out of existence, and if they don't we
+will just secede from the Commonwealth of Bobberts. We will have a
+free trade commonwealth of our own, and Kitty and Billy can do as
+they please."
+
+"Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "that is just what we will do!" And so it
+was settled.
+
+By the time Kitty and Billy returned loiteringly from church Mr.
+Fenelby had progressed pretty well through four of the sixteen
+sections of the Sunday paper, and Mrs. Fenelby had Bobberts washed
+and dressed and was in the kitchen preparing dinner, which on Sunday
+was supposed to be at noon, but which, this Sunday, threatened to
+be about two o'clock. Kitty threw off her hat and dropped her
+umbrella in the hall and rushed for the kitchen. Billy merely
+glanced into the parlor, and seeing Tom holding the grim funny page
+uncompromisingly before his face, strolled out to the hammock.
+
+"Laura," cried Kitty, "you _must_ let me help you! And what do you
+think? We met Doctor Stafford, and he _did_ prescribe whisky and
+rock candy for Bridget's cold! So I fixed everything all right. I
+rushed Billy around to Bridget's sister's and Bridget is just
+getting over her cold, so she was glad to come back to you. She
+says she never, never drinks except under her doctor's orders, and
+she said that if you hadn't been so hasty--"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby dropped the potato she was slicing. Her pretty mouth
+hardened.
+
+"Kitty!" she exclaimed. "Now I shall _never_ forgive you! I will
+_never_ have Bridget in this kitchen again! It wasn't only that she
+drank, it was her awful, awful deceitfulness. It was that, Kitty,
+more than anything else. I _won't_ have people about me who will not
+live up to the tariff poor dear Tom worked and worried to make!
+_You_ may smuggle, Kitty, if you must be so low, and I certainly
+have no control over Billy, but my servants must not break the
+rules of this house. If that Bridget dares to put her head inside of
+this door I will send her about her business."
+
+"Laura," said Kitty, "I wish you would be reasonable--like Billy and
+me. We talked it all over on the way to church, and we saw that it
+was Tom's crazy old tariff that was making all the trouble and
+driving Bridget away and everything, and we decided we would stop
+the tariff right away."
+
+Laura's chin went into the air and her eyes flashed.
+
+"_You_ will stop the tariff!" she cried, turning red. "What right
+have _you_ to stop anything in this house, Kitty? And it isn't a
+crazy tariff. It was a splendid idea, and no one but Tom would ever
+have thought of it, and it worked all right until you and Billy
+began spoiling it!"
+
+"But I thought you wanted it stopped," said Kitty.
+
+"I don't!" exclaimed Laura, bursting into tears. "It is a nice,
+lovely tariff, and if I ever said I didn't want it, it was because
+you aggravated me. I won't have it stopped. I won't be so mean to
+anything dear old Tom starts. It's Bobberts' tariff. You ought to
+think more of Bobberts than to suggest such a thing, if you don't
+love me."
+
+Kitty stood back and looked at Laura as at some one possessed of
+evil spirits. Then she turned to the table and took up the potato
+knife and began slicing potatoes calmly.
+
+"Very well, Laura," she said. "I tried to do what I thought you
+would like, but if you want the tariff so badly I shall certainly
+not oppose you. Hereafter, no matter what happens, Billy and I will
+vote for the tariff!"
+
+"And Tom and I certainly will," said Laura between sobs. "We don't
+care _who_ the tariff bothers, or _how_ much trouble it is. We are
+always, always going to have a tariff--for ever and ever!"
+
+When she told Mr. Fenelby this he was not as happy about it as might
+have been expected. He agreed that under the circumstances there was
+nothing else to do; that the tariff must become a permanent fixture;
+but he did not say so joyfully. He had more the air of a Job
+admitting that a continued succession of boils was inevitable. Job,
+under those circumstances was probably as placid as could be
+expected, but not hilarious, and neither was Mr. Fenelby.
+
+Dinner was as gloomy as breakfast had been. It developed into one of
+the plate-studying kind, with each of the four eating hastily and
+silently. Even Bobberts was not cheerful. He did not "coo" as usual,
+but stared unsmilingly at the ceiling. Into such a condition does a
+nation come when it suffers under a tax that is obnoxious, but which
+it cannot and will not repeal. When a nation gets into that
+condition one State can hardly ask another State to pass the butter,
+and when it does ask, its parliamentary courtesy is something
+frigidly polite. Suddenly Mrs. Fenelby looked up.
+
+"Tom," she said, "there is somebody in the kitchen!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby laid his fork softly on his plate and listened. There
+was no doubt of it. Someone was in the kitchen, gathering up the
+silverware. Mr. Fenelby arose and went into the kitchen. Almost
+immediately he returned. He returned because he either had to follow
+Bridget into the dining room or stay in the kitchen alone.
+
+"It's me, ma'am," said Bridget. She planted herself before Mrs.
+Fenelby and placed her hands on her hips. Mrs. Fenelby arose. "I've
+come back," said Bridget.
+
+"And you can go again," said Mrs. Fenelby regally. "I do not want
+you, you can go!"
+
+"Yes, ma'am," said Bridget. "'Tis all th' same t' me--stay or go,
+ma'am,--but I'll be askin' ye t' pay me a month's wages, Mrs.
+Fenelby, if ye want me t' go. A month's wages or a month's
+notice--that is th' law, ma'am."
+
+"The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "I have not even hired you,
+yet!"
+
+"No, ma'am," said Bridget, "but th' young lady has. She hired me
+with her own mouth, at me own sister Maggie's, who will be witness
+t' it, an' I have been workin' in th' kitchen already. I've washed
+th' spoons."
+
+"The young lady," said Mrs. Fenelby coldly, "has no right to hire
+servants for me."
+
+"And hasn't she, ma'am?" said Bridget angrily. "Let th' judge in th'
+court-house say if she has or hasn't! Don't try t' fool me, Missus
+Fenelby, ma'am. I've worked here before, ma'am, an' I know all about
+th' Commonwealth way ye have of doin' things. Wan of ye has as good
+a right t' vote me into a job as another has, Mrs. Fenelby, an' th'
+young lady an' th' young gintleman both asked me t' come. Even a
+poor ign'rant Irish girl has rights, Mrs. Fenelby, an' hired I was,
+t' worrk for th' Commonwealth. An' here I stay, without ye choose
+t' hand me me month's wages!"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby looked appealingly at Tom, and Tom looked at Billy.
+
+"I think she'd win, if she took it to law," said Billy. "You know
+how the judges are. And if she brought up the matter of the
+Commonwealth, you know you _did_ make Kitty and me full partakers in
+it."
+
+"Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "pay her a month's wages and let her go!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby moved uneasily. He had put all his money into Bobberts'
+bank. In all the house there was not a month's wages except in
+Bobberts' bank. Mr. Fenelby looked toward the bank.
+
+"Never!" said Billy. "_I_ put money into that, and so did Kitty. It
+is for Bobberts, not for month's wages. I object."
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked away from the bank. He looked, helplessly, all
+around the room, and ended by looking at Laura.
+
+"My dear," he said, "I think we had better keep Bridget."
+
+"I think ye had!" said Bridget. "For there ain't no way t' git rid
+of me. I'm here, ma'am, an' I don't bear no ill will. I forgive ye
+all, an' I'm willin' t' let by-gones be by-gones, excipt one or two
+things, which ye will have t' change."
+
+"The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. Bridget shrugged her shoulders.
+
+"Have it yer own way, ma'am," she said. "I am not one that would
+dictate t' th' lady of th' house. I am no dictator, ma'am, an' I
+don't wish t' be, but here I am an' here I stay, an' 'tis no fault
+of mine if some things riles me temper and makes me act as I
+shouldn't. I'm one that likes things t' be peaceful, ma'am, for no
+one knows how much row a girrl can make in th' house better 'n than
+I does, especially when she's hired by th' month an' can't be fired.
+I can't forget one Mrs. Grasset I worked for, ma'am, an' her that
+miserable an' cryin' all th' time, just because I had one of me bad
+timper spells. I should hate t' have one of thim here, Mrs.
+Fenelby."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Fenelby, controlling his righteous indignation as
+best he could, "what is it you want?"
+
+"I want no more of thim tariff doin's!" said Bridget firmly. "Thim
+tariff doin's is more than mortal mind can stand, Mr. Fenelby, sir!
+Nawthin' I ever had t' do with in anny of me places riled me up like
+thim tariff doin's, an' we will have no more tariff in th' house,
+_if_ ye please, sir."
+
+"Well, of all the impert--" began Mr. Fenelby angrily, but Mrs.
+Fenelby put her hand on his arm and quieted him.
+
+"Tom," she said, "please be careful! You do not have to spend your
+days with Bridget, and I do! Don't be rash. Send her into the
+kitchen until we talk it over."
+
+Bridget went, willingly. She gathered an armful of dishes, and went
+into her throne-room, bearing her head high. She felt that she was
+master and she was.
+
+"Now, this Commonwealth--" began Mr. Fenelby, when the kitchen door
+had closed, but Billy stopped him.
+
+"Stop being foolish, Tom," he said. "What Commonwealth are you
+talking about? This is not a Commonwealth--this is an unlimited
+dictatorship, and Bridget is sole dictator! Wake up; don't you know
+a _coup d'état_ when you see one? Can't you tell a usurper by
+sight?"
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked moodily at the kitchen door.
+
+"That is what it is," said Billy decidedly. "The dictator has
+smashed your republic under her iron heel; your laws are all back
+numbers--if she wants any laws, she will let you know. I know the
+signs. When a Great One rises up in the midst of a Republic and puts
+her hands on her hips and says 'What are you going to do about it?'
+and there _isn't_ anything to do about it, you have a dictator, and
+all that you can do is knuckle down and be good."
+
+There was a minute's silence. The Commonwealth was dying hard.
+
+"I could shake the money out of Bobberts' bank," said Mr. Fenelby,
+but even as he said it Bobberts wailed. His voice arose clear and
+strong in protest against that or against something else. The
+kitchen door swung open and the Dictator ran in and approached the
+Heir, and Bobberts held out his arms.
+
+"Bless th' darlin'," said Bridget, cuddling him in her arms, but
+Mrs. Fenelby frowned.
+
+"Give him to me," she said sternly, and Bridget turned to her. And
+then, in the eyes of all the Commonwealth, Bobberts turned his back
+on his own mother and clung to the Dictator! Clung, and squealed,
+until the danger of separation was over.
+
+"You see!" said Billy, triumphantly.
+
+Mrs. Fenelby sighed. The Dictator had won. The tariff was dead.
+
+"And in our house," said Kitty, cheerfully, "we won't have any
+tariff, will we, Billy?"
+
+"Your house!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, forgetting all about the
+Dictator in the new interest, and brightening into herself again.
+
+"Our house," said Kitty proudly. "Mine and Billy's."
+
+"Our house," echoed Billy, blushing. "We can't stand a Dictator, and
+we are going to secede and--and have a United State of our own."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Isn't it splendid about Kitty and Billy?" said Mrs. Fenelby that
+evening to Tom, as they bent over Bobberts' crib. "And if it hadn't
+been for our tariff driving them together I don't believe it would
+ever have happened."
+
+"It's fine!" said Mr. Fenelby. "Fine! And that other set of Eugene
+Field will do for a wedding present!"
+
+                         THE END
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:
+
+Minor changes have been made to correct typesetters' errors;
+otherwise, every effort has been made to remain true to the author's
+words and intent.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Cheerful Smugglers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
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+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Cheerful Smugglers, by Ellis Parker Butler.
+    </title>
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cheerful Smugglers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cheerful Smugglers
+
+Author: Ellis Parker Butler
+
+Illustrator: May Wilson Preston
+
+Release Date: November 23, 2008 [EBook #27317]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHEERFUL SMUGGLERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 305px;">
+<img src="images/icover.jpg" class="ispace" width="305" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="large" />
+
+<h1>The<br />
+Cheerful Smugglers</h1>
+
+<h3>By</h3>
+
+<h2>Ellis Parker Butler</h2>
+
+<p class="center">Author of &#8220;Confessions of a Daddy,&#8221;<br />
+&#8220;Pigs is Pigs,&#8221; etc.</p>
+
+<h3>With illustrations by<br />
+May Wilson Preston</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 126px;">
+<img src="images/i001.jpg" width="126" height="125" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h2>New York</h2>
+<h2>The Century Co.</h2>
+<h2>1908</h2>
+
+<hr class="large" />
+
+<p class="center">Copyright, 1908, by<br />
+<span class="smcap">The Century Co.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="small" />
+
+<p class="center">Copyright, 1907, by<br />
+The Phelps Publishing Co.</p>
+
+<hr class="small" />
+
+<p class="center"><i>Published, May, 1908</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">THE DE VINNE PRESS</p>
+
+<hr class="large" />
+<p><a name="Frontispiece" id="Frontispiece"></a></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/i003.jpg" class="ispace" width="450" height="369" alt="&#8220;&#8216;We ought to have a domestic tariff&#8217;&#8221;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#8220;&#8216;We ought to have a domestic tariff&#8217;&#8221;</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="large" />
+<h2><a name="Contents" id="Contents"></a>Contents</h2>
+
+<div class="centered">
+<table border="0" width="70%" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="1" summary="CONTENTS">
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">CHAPTER</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td align="right">PAGE</td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">I.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Fenelby Tariff</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#The_Cheerful_Smugglers">3</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">II.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Box of Bon-Bons</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#II">34</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">III.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">Kitty&#8217;s Trunks</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#III">57</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">IV.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">Billy</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#IV">91</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">V.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Pink Shirt-Waist</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#V">110</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">VI.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">Bridget</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#VI">139</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">VII.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Amateur Detective</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#VII">158</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">VIII.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Field of Dishonor</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#VIII">189</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">IX.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">Bobberts Intervenes</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#IX">206</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">X.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">Tariff Reform</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#X">229</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="right">XI.</td>
+<td align="left"><span class="smcap">The Coup d&#8217;&Eacute;tat</span></td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#XI">251</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr class="large" />
+<h2>List of Illustrations</h2>
+
+<div class="centered">
+<table border="0" width="70%" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="1" summary="ILLUSTRATIONS">
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">&#8220;&#8216;We ought to have a domestic tariff&#8217;&#8221;</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Frontispiece"><i>Frontispiece</i></a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<td align="right">PAGE</td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">&#8220;She was busy with Bobberts&#8221;</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">Bobberts</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">&#8220;Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty&#8217;s baggage-checks<br />
+to Tom&#8221;</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Page_55">55</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">&#8220;Never in the history of trunks was the<br />
+act of unpacking done so quickly or<br />
+so recklessly&#8221;</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Page_81">81</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">&#8220;With all the grace of a Sandow&#8221;</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Page_87">87</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">&#8220;&#8216;I declare one collar&#8217;&#8221;</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Page_103">103</a></td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">&#8220;When the 6:02 pulled in&#8221;</td>
+<td align="right"><a href="#Page_193">193</a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="The_Cheerful_Smugglers" id="The_Cheerful_Smugglers"></a>The<br />Cheerful Smugglers</h2>
+
+<h2><a name="I" id="I"></a>I</h2>
+
+<h3>THE FENELBY TARIFF</h3>
+
+<p>Bobberts was the baby, and ever since Bobberts was born&mdash;and that
+was nine months next Wednesday, and just look what a big, fat boy he
+is now!&mdash;his parents had been putting all their pennies into a
+little pottery pig, so that when Bobberts reached the proper age he
+could <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span>go to college. The money in the little pig bank was
+officially known as &#8220;Bobberts&#8217; Education Fund,&#8221; and next to Bobberts
+himself was the thing in the house most talked about. It was &#8220;Tom,
+dear, have you put your pennies in the bank this evening?&#8221; or &#8220;I
+say, Laura, how about Bobberts&#8217; pennies to-day. Are you holding out
+on him?&#8221; And then, when they came to count the contents of the bank,
+there were only twenty-three dollars and thirty-eight cents in it
+after nine months of faithful penny contributions.</p>
+
+<p>That was how Fenelby, who had a great mind for such things, came to
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>think of the Fenelby tariff. It was evident that the penny system
+could not be counted on to pile up a sum large enough to see
+Bobberts through Yale and leave a margin big enough for him to live
+on while he was getting firmly established in his profession,
+whatever that profession might be. What was needed in the Fenelby
+family was a system that would save money for Bobberts gently and
+easily, and that would not be easy to forget nor be too palpable a
+strain on the Fenelby income. Something that would make them save in
+spite of themselves; not a direct tax, but what you might call an
+indirect tax&mdash;and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>right there was where and how the idea came to
+Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That&#8217;s the idea!&#8221; he said to Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;That is the very thing
+we want! An indirect tax, just as this nation pays its taxes, and
+the tariff is the very thing! It&#8217;s as simple as A B C. The nation
+charges a duty on everything that comes into the country; <i>we</i> will
+charge a duty on everything that comes into the house, and the money
+goes into Bobberts&#8217; education fund. We won&#8217;t miss the money that
+way. That&#8217;s the beauty of an indirect tax: you don&#8217;t know you are
+paying it. The government collects a little on one thing that is
+imported,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> and a little on another, and no one cares, because the
+amount is so small on each thing, and yet look at the
+total&mdash;hundreds of millions of dollars!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Goodness!&#8221; exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;Can we save that much for
+Bobberts? Of course, not hundreds of millions; but if we could save
+even one hundred thousand dollars&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> &#8220;I don&#8217;t believe you understand what I
+mean. If you would pay a little closer attention when I am
+explaining things you would understand better. A tariff doesn&#8217;t make
+money out of nothing. How could we save a hundred thousand dollars
+out of my salary, when the whole salary is only twenty-five hundred
+dollars a year, and we spend every cent of it?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But, Tom dear,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;how can I help spending it? You
+know I am just as economical as I can be. You said yourself that we
+couldn&#8217;t live on a cent less than we are spending. You know I would
+be only <i>too</i> glad to save, if I could, and I didn&#8217;t get that new
+dress until you just begged and begged me to get it, and&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I know,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, kindly. &#8220;I think you do wonders with
+that twenty-five hundred. I don&#8217;t see how <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>you do it; I couldn&#8217;t.
+And that is just why I say we ought to have a domestic tariff. I
+don&#8217;t see how we can ever save enough to send Bobberts to college
+unless we have some system. We spend every cent of my twenty-five
+hundred dollars every year, and we could never in the world take two
+hundred and fifty dollars out of it at one time and put it in the
+bank for Bobberts, could we? We never have two hundred and fifty
+dollars at one time. And yet two hundred and fifty dollars is only
+ten per cent. of my yearly salary. But if I buy a cigar for ten
+cents it would be no hardship for me to put a cent in the bank for
+Bobberts, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>would it? Not a bit! And if you buy an ice cream soda; it
+would not cramp our finances to put a cent in the bank for each
+soda, would it? And yet a cent is ten per cent. of a dime.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That is very simple and very easy,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;and I think
+it would be a very good plan. I think we ought to begin at once.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;So do I,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;But we don&#8217;t want to begin a thing
+like this and then let it slip from our minds after a day or two. If
+the government did that the nation&#8217;s revenue would all fade away. We
+ought to go at it in a business-like way, just as <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>the United States
+would do it. We ought to write it down, and then live up to it. Now,
+I&#8217;ll write it down.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby went to his desk and took a seat before it. He opened
+the desk and pulled from beneath the pile of loose papers and tissue
+patterns with which it was littered the large blankbook in which
+Mrs. Fenelby, in one of her spurts of economical system, had once
+begun a record of household expenditures&mdash;a bothersome business that
+lasted until she had to foot up the first week&#8217;s figures, and then
+stopped. There were plenty of blank leaves in the book. Mr. Fenelby
+dipped his pen in the ink. Mrs. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>Fenelby took up her sewing, and
+began to stitch a seam. Bobberts lay asleep on the lounge at the
+other side of the room.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby was not over thirty. His chubby, smiling face radiated
+enthusiasm, and if he was not very tall he had a noble forehead that
+rounded up to meet the baldness that began so far back that his hat
+showed a little half-moon of baldness at the back. He looked
+cheerfully at the world through rather strong spectacles, and
+everyone said how much he looked like Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby was
+younger, but she took a much more matter-of-fact view of life and
+things, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>and Mr. Fenelby never ceased congratulating himself on
+having married her. &#8220;My wife Laura,&#8221; he would say to his friends,
+&#8220;has great executive ability. She is a wonder. I let her attend to
+the little details.&#8221; The truth was that she managed him, and managed
+the house, and managed all their affairs. She took to the management
+naturally and Mr. Fenelby did not know that he was being managed.
+They were very happy.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby turned toward his wife suddenly, still holding his pen
+in his hand. He had not written a word, but his face glowed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I tell you, Laura!&#8221; he exclaimed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> &#8220;This is the best idea we have
+had since we were married! It is a big idea! What we ought to
+do&mdash;what we <i>will</i> do&mdash;is to have a family congress and adopt this
+tariff in the right way, and write it down. That is what we will
+do&mdash;and then, any time we want to change the tariff we will have a
+session of the family congress, and vote on it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That will be nice, Tom,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, biting off her thread,
+but not looking up. Mr. Fenelby turned back to his blankbook. He
+dipped his pen in the ink again, and hesitated.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;How would it do,&#8221; he asked, turning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> to Laura again, &#8220;to call it
+the &#8216;United States of Fenelby?&#8217; Or the &#8216;Commonwealth of Fenelby?&#8217;
+No!&#8221; he exclaimed, &#8220;I&#8217;ll tell you what we will call it&mdash;we will call
+it the &#8216;Commonwealth of Bobberts,&#8217; for that is what it is. &#8216;The
+Domestic Tariff of the Commonwealth of Bobberts!&#8217;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, holding up her sewing and looking at it
+with her head tilted to one side, &#8220;that will be nice.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby wrote it in his blankbook, at the top of the first blank
+page.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Fine!&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, growing more enthusiastic as the idea
+expanded in his mind.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> &#8220;And the congress will be composed of
+everyone in the family. No taxation without representation, you
+know&mdash;that is the American way of doing things. Everything that
+comes into the house has to pay a duty, so everyone in the family
+has a vote, and every so often the congress will meet in the parlor
+here&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Does Bobberts have a vote?&#8221; asked Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Ah&mdash;well, Bobberts is hardly old enough, you know,&#8221; said Mr.
+Fenelby hesitatingly. &#8220;We will&mdash;No,&#8221; he said with sudden
+inspiration,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> &#8220;Bobberts will not have a vote. Bobberts will be a
+Territory! That is it. Grown-ups will be States and infants will be
+Territories. Bobberts can&#8217;t vote, but he can attend the meetings of
+congress and he can have a voice in the debates. He can oppose any
+measure with his voice&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I should think he could!&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby turned to his desk and wrote in the book a brief outline
+of the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby
+creased a tuck into the little dress she was making. She did it by
+pinning one end of the sheer linen to her knee and then running her
+thumb up and down the folded tuck. Suddenly the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>door opened and
+Bridget entered with aggressive quietness. She was a plain faced
+Irishwoman, and the way she wore her hair, straight back from her
+brow, had in itself an air of constant readiness to do battle for
+her rights. When she was noisy her noise was a challenge, and when
+she was quiet her quietness was full of mute assertiveness. It was
+as if, when she wished to enter a room quietly, she was not content
+to enter it quietly and be satisfied with that, but first prepared
+for it by draping herself in strings of cow-bells and sleigh-bells,
+and then entered on tip-toe with painful care.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;Missus Fenelby, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget, in a loud whisper, &#8220;would ye
+be havin&#8217; th&#8217; milkman lave wan or two quarts ov milk in th&#8217;
+mornin&#8217;?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Why, Bridget,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;haven&#8217;t I told you we <i>always</i>
+want two quarts?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yis, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget. &#8220;An&#8217; ye can&#8217;t say that ye haven&#8217;t got
+thim iv&#8217;ry mornin&#8217;, either. If ye can, an&#8217; wish t&#8217; say it, ma&#8217;am, ye
+may as well say it now as another toime. I may have me faults,
+ma&#8217;am&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You have always attended to the milkman just as I wished,&#8221; said
+Mrs. Fenelby, cheerfully. &#8220;Exactly as I wanted you to,&#8221; she added,
+for Bridget<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> still waited. &#8220;And we will continue to get two quarts a
+day.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Very well, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; whispered Bridget. &#8220;I was just thinkin&#8217; mebby ye
+had changed yer moind about how much t&#8217; git. It is all th&#8217; same t&#8217;
+me, Missus Fenelby, ma&#8217;am, how much ye git. I am not wan of thim
+that don&#8217;t allow th&#8217; lady ov th&#8217; house t&#8217; change her moind if she
+wants to. I take no offince if she changes her moind. I am used t&#8217;
+sich goin&#8217;s on, ma&#8217;am, an&#8217; I know my place an&#8217; don&#8217;t wish t&#8217;
+dictate. Wan quart or two quarts or three quarts is all th&#8217; same t&#8217;
+me.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Bridget,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, laying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> down her sewing, &#8220;do we need
+three quarts of milk?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; asked Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;are two quarts too much?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget. &#8220;But if ye wanted t&#8217; change yer moind&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Not at all!&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, kindly but firmly. &#8220;Good-night,
+Bridget.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Bridget backed out of the door, and Mr. Fenelby, who had kept his
+head close to his book, turned to his wife with a frown on his brow.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What is it, dear?&#8221; asked Mrs. Fenelby, after a fleeting glance at
+his face.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;Laura,&#8221; he said, &#8220;what shall we do with Bridget?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby looked up quickly. She quite forgot her sewing.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Do with Bridget?&#8221; she asked. &#8220;What <i>do</i> you mean, Tom? Has Bridget
+said anything about leaving? And I was only this afternoon
+congratulating myself on how good she was! I declare I don&#8217;t know
+what this world is going to do for servants&mdash;we pay Bridget more
+than anyone in this town, I know we do, and treat her like one of
+the family, almost, and now she is going to leave! It&#8217;s
+discouraging! When did she tell you she was going to leave?&#8221;</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;Leave?&#8221; exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;I never thought of such a thing. I
+was only wondering what to do with her in&mdash;in the Commonwealth of
+Bobberts.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh!&#8221; cried Mrs. Fenelby, with a sigh of profound relief. She took
+up her sewing again, and bent her head over it. &#8220;Is that all! Of
+course Bridget expects to be treated like one of the family. I told
+her when she came that I always treated my maids as part of the
+family.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But we can&#8217;t have Bridget come in and sit with us whenever we have
+a session of congress,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;Certainly not!&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, very decidedly. &#8220;I wouldn&#8217;t
+think of such a thing!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;So she can&#8217;t be a State,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;and if we made her a
+Territory it would be as bad. She could come in and talk. She would
+insist on talking.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And if we did not let her,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;she would leave,
+and I know we could never get another girl as good as Bridget.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now you get some idea of the hard work our forefathers had when
+they made the United States,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, rising and walking
+up and down the room.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> &#8220;But of course they had no case like Bridget.
+Bridget is more like a&mdash;more like the Philippines. Well!&#8221; he
+exclaimed, &#8220;it is a wonder I didn&#8217;t think of that in the first
+place!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What, dear?&#8221; asked his wife.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That Bridget is a colony,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;That is just what she
+is! She is a foreign possession, controlled by the nation, but
+having no voice in its affairs. She can pay taxes, but she can&#8217;t
+vote.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>He hurriedly wrote the final words of the Constitution of the
+Commonwealth of Bobberts in his book and drew a line underneath it,
+for Bobberts was showing signs of awakening.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> Under the line Mr.
+Fenelby wrote &#8220;First Session of Congress.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Bobberts awoke in a good humor, ready for his evening meal, and Mrs.
+Fenelby put aside her sewing and took him.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I am glad Bobberts is awake,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;because now we can
+go ahead and vote on the tariff. I wouldn&#8217;t like to do it if he was
+not present, because he has a right to take part in the debate, and
+it would not be fair to hold the first session without a full
+representation. Now, suppose we make the duty on all goods and
+things brought into the house an even ten per cent.?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27-8]</a></span></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i030.jpg" class="ispace" width="400" height="463" alt="&#8220;She was busy with Bobberts&#8221;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#8220;She was busy with Bobberts&#8221;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;That would be nice,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, absently, for she was busy
+with Bobberts. &#8220;How much is ten per cent. of twenty-five hundred
+dollars, Tom?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Two hundred and fifty,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;and that is what we
+ought to save for Bobberts every year. Ten per cent. will just do
+it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>He had his pen ready to write it in the book, when a new difficulty
+came to mind.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura!&#8221; he exclaimed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> &#8220;Ten per cent. will not do it! What about the
+rent? We spend fifty dollars a month for rent, and that is nothing
+we bring into the house. And theater tickets, when you go to town
+and buy them there and use them before you come home. And my
+lunches. And my club dues. And your pew rent. And ice cream sodas.
+And all that sort of thing. We couldn&#8217;t collect a cent of duty on
+any of those things, because we don&#8217;t bring them into the house. Ten
+per cent. is not enough. We ought to make it at least&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>He figured roughly on a sheet of paper, while the other State and
+the Territory attended strictly to their occupation of feeding the
+Territory.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I should say, roughly speaking,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> &#8220;that to raise
+two hundred and fifty dollars a year we ought to make the duty
+sixteen and three-quarters per cent., but I don&#8217;t think that is
+advisable. It would be too hard to figure. I might be able to do it,
+Laura, but if you bought a waist for one dollar and ninety-eight
+cents, and had to figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. on it,
+I don&#8217;t believe you could do it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;The idea!&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> &#8220;I would never think of buying a
+waist for one dollar and ninety-eight cents. I try to be economical,
+Tom, but you know you always like me to look well, and those cheap
+waists do not look well, and they are really dearer in the long run,
+because they get out of shape in a few days, and never wear well,
+anyway. The very cheapest waist I have bought for years was that one
+I got for three dollars and forty-seven cents, and I could have done
+much better if I had bought the goods and made it up myself.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Ah&mdash;yes,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, hesitatingly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> &#8220;I am afraid you did not
+just catch my meaning, Laura. It does not make any difference
+whether the waist costs one dollar and ninety-eight cents or twelve
+dollars and sixty-three cents. I mean that it would be a hard job to
+figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. of it. Suppose we leave
+the duty at ten per cent. on necessities, and make it thirty per
+cent. on luxuries? That ought to make it come out about two hundred
+and fifty dollars a year, and if it does not we can have a meeting
+of congress any time and raise the duty.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That would be very nice,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>So it was decided that the tariff duty on necessities was to be ten
+per cent., and that on luxuries it should be thirty per cent., and
+Mr. Fenelby wrote down in the book these facts, and the Fenelby
+Tariff was in effect.</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="II" id="II"></a>II</h2>
+
+<h3>THE BOX OF BON-BONS</h3>
+
+<p>The financial arrangements of the Fenelbys were extremely simple.
+Every week Mr. Fenelby received his salary and brought every cent of
+it home to Laura. Out of this she handed him back a sum that was
+unvaryingly the same, and with this Mr. Fenelby paid his car-fares,
+bought his evening papers, his cigars, and such other little things
+as a man finds necessary. It was a very small sum, and Mr. Fenelby
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>could not have afforded the pleasures of a club, nor many other
+things he did afford, had he not been able to add to his purse by
+writing occasional bits of fiction and jokes for the lighter
+magazines. Some months this additional money amounted to quite a
+sum, and when it more than paid his expenses, he would make Laura a
+little present, but it was understood that this money was his, and
+that it was something quite outside the regular income of the
+family, and not to be counted on for household expenses. The result
+was that sometimes Mr. Fenelby had quite a sum in his pockets, and
+sometimes he had <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>hard work to make his car-fare money last through
+the week.</p>
+
+<p>But one thing he never neglected was to bring home to his wife a box
+of bon-bons every Saturday evening, and one of the things that Mrs.
+Fenelby flaunted before her female friends was the fact that
+although she had been married for five years Tom never missed the
+box of candy. This was the visible sign that his love had not
+declined, and that he still had a lover&#8217;s thoughtfulness.</p>
+
+<p>On the Friday after the Fenelby Tariff had been adopted, Mr. Fenelby
+came home with a box of cigars under his arm. It was his usual box
+of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>twenty-five, and the usual brand, for which he paid ten cents
+each, and after he had kissed Laura he gaily deposited twenty-five
+cents in Bobberts&#8217; bank. This was the first money he had put in the
+bank under the new tariff laws, and he took an especial pleasure in
+depositing it. Mrs. Fenelby had put many pennies and nickels in the
+bank during the week, because she had had to buy a number of things
+from the vegetable man, and others.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;How much did you put in, dear?&#8221; asked Mrs. Fenelby, as she heard
+the coin rattle down among its fellows.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>&#8220;A quarter,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, gaily. &#8220;I tell you, Laura, that boy
+will soon have a lot of money if it keeps coming in at that rate. A
+quarter here, and a quarter there! It is amazing how it mounts up.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes,&#8221; she answered. &#8220;But shouldn&#8217;t you put in seventy-five cents,
+Tom? Cigars are a luxury, aren&#8217;t they? And you know you said
+luxuries were thirty per cent.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby turned quickly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Nonsense!&#8221; he said. &#8220;Any man will tell you that cigars are an
+absolute necessity. Just as much so as food or drink or clothing.
+Every one knows that, Laura.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39-40]</a></span></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i042.jpg" class="ispace" width="400" height="367" alt="Bobberts" title="" />
+<span class="caption">Bobberts</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>&#8220;Why, Tom,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;you told me, only last night, when I
+merely hinted that you were smoking too much, that you could quit
+any minute you chose, and that it had no hold on you whatever. You
+said you only smoked a little for the pleasure it gave you, and that
+there was no danger at all of its ever becoming a necessity to you.
+Of course, I don&#8217;t care, for myself, what you put in the bank, but I
+should not think you would want to rob poor little Bobberts of what
+he really should have, just because you can twist out of it by
+claiming&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>There were signs of tears, and Mr. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>Fenelby cheerfully stepped up
+and dropped fifty cents more into the bank. It was one of his
+periods of plenty, and he would have been willing to put dollars
+into the bank, instead of quarters, rather than have Laura think he
+was trying to defraud Bobberts. He explained to Laura that all he
+wanted to know was what he really ought to pay, and then he would
+pay it cheerfully. Probably all men are like that. They only want to
+have their taxes assessed fairly, and they will pay them joyfully.
+One of the prettiest sights imaginable is to see the tax-payers
+gleefully crowding to pay their taxes. I say imaginable, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>because it
+is one of the sights that has to be imagined.</p>
+
+<p>The next evening was warm, and Bobberts was sleeping nicely, so Mrs.
+Fenelby walked part of the way to the station to meet Tom when he
+came home, and her eyes brightened when she saw the square parcel
+that she knew to be the box of candy, in his hand. He kissed her,
+right there on the street, as suburban husbands are not ashamed to
+do, and put the box of candy in her hand.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And what do you think my news is?&#8221; he asked, after he had asked
+about Bobberts.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> &#8220;Brother Bill is coming to make us that visit that
+he has been promising for ever so long&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom!&#8221; cried Laura. &#8220;And what do you think my news is? Kitty is
+coming to spend two weeks with us! Isn&#8217;t that the jolliest thing you
+ever heard of? Both coming at the same time! I wonder if they&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; said Tom, who generally had a pretty clear idea of what
+Laura meant to say next, &#8220;if they did fall in love with each other,
+it would not be such a bad match. Your cousin Kitty is as nice as
+any girl I know, and I rather think Billy isn&#8217;t such a bad sort.
+Anyway, they will make it pleasant for each other.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>&#8220;It will brighten us up all around to have them here,&#8221; said Mrs.
+Fenelby. &#8220;I wonder whether we ought to make them pay tariff on
+things. That was the first thing I thought of, when I read that
+Kitty meant to visit us. It does seem a little like inhospitality,
+to make them pay tariff.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Not a bit!&#8221; said Tom.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> &#8220;They will like it. It will be a lot of fun
+for them, and you know it will, Laura. Would we like to be left out
+of anything of that kind if we were visiting any one? Of course not.
+I don&#8217;t know Kitty as well as you do, but speaking for Billy I can
+say that he would be mighty hurt if we did not treat him just as we
+treat the rest of the family. He will think it is a jolly game.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I am not afraid of how Kitty will take it, when I tell her it is
+all for the benefit of Bobberts. She will be wild about the tariff.
+The only thing I am afraid of is that she will go and buy things she
+doesn&#8217;t need or want, just in order that she can put money in
+Bobberts&#8217; bank,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;I told Bridget about the tariff
+to-day, and she was so interested! Every one I tell about it thinks
+it is a splendid idea, and wonders how you could think of it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>&#8220;I do think of some things that other people do not think of,&#8221; said
+Mr. Fenelby, rather proudly; &#8220;but that is because I accustom myself
+to use my brains.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But it is surprising how a little thing like this tariff counts
+up!&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;My bills this week were fourteen dollars,
+and I had to put a dollar and forty cents into Bobberts&#8217; bank, and
+then I had to pay Bridget&#8217;s month&#8217;s wages to-day, but I didn&#8217;t have
+to pay any tariff on that, and I had to pay the gas bill, too; but I
+didn&#8217;t have to pay any tariff on that, thank goodness&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Of course you have to pay tariff on the gas bill!&#8221; exclaimed Mr.
+Fenelby.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> &#8220;The gas came into the house, didn&#8217;t it?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But you said I didn&#8217;t have to pay tariff on the rent bill,&#8221; argued
+Laura; &#8220;and the rent bill is just as much a bill as the gas bill is.
+You know very well, Tom, that we always figure on those three things
+as if they were just alike&mdash;the rent, and the gas, and Bridget,&mdash;and
+I don&#8217;t see why, if there is a tariff on gas why there should not be
+one on rent.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Rent isn&#8217;t a thing that comes into the house,&#8221; explained Mr.
+Fenelby. &#8220;You can&#8217;t <i>see</i> rent.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You can&#8217;t see gas,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You can see it if it is lighted,&#8221; said <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;and you can
+smell it any time you want to. Gas is a real object, or thing, and
+we buy it, and it pays a duty.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Very well,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;Then I ought to pay duty on
+Bridget, too. She is a real thing, and we pay money for her, just as
+much as we do for gas, and she is a thing that comes into the house.
+If I don&#8217;t pay on Bridget, I don&#8217;t see why I should pay on the gas.
+The next thing you will be saying that Bridget is a luxury, and that
+I ought to pay thirty per cent. on her! Probably I ought to pay a
+duty on Bobberts! I don&#8217;t think it is fair that I should pay on
+everything. I will not pay ten per cent. on the gas <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>bill.
+Everything seems to come the same day.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura!&#8221; exclaimed Mr. Fenelby, with sudden joy, &#8220;you don&#8217;t have to
+pay on the gas bill this month! I wonder I hadn&#8217;t thought of it.
+That gas bill is for gas used before the tariff was adopted! And now
+that you know about it, you will expect to pay next month.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I shall warn Bridget again about using so much in the range,&#8221; said
+Laura. &#8220;We shall have to economize very carefully, Tom. I can see
+that. The tariff is going to make our living very expensive.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>They had reached the house, and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>had lingered a minute on the porch,
+and now they went inside, for they heard the dinner-bell tinkle.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You had better drop eight cents in the bank before you forget it,&#8221;
+said Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Eight cents?&#8221; inquired Tom, quite at a loss to remember what he was
+to pay eight cents for.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Eight cents,&#8221; repeated his wife. &#8220;For the candy. It is eighty cents
+a pound, isn&#8217;t it? But it is a luxury, isn&#8217;t it? That would be
+twenty-four cents!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes, twenty-four cents,&#8221; said Tom, smiling. &#8220;Twenty-four cents; but
+I don&#8217;t pay it. You pay it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>&#8220;<i>I</i> pay it!&#8221; cried Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;The idea! I didn&#8217;t buy the candy.
+I didn&#8217;t even ask you to buy it, Tom, although I am very glad to
+have it, and you are a dear to bring it to me. But you are the one
+to pay for it. You bought it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;My dear,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;whoever brings a thing into the house
+pays the duty on it. I gave you the box of candy when we were a full
+block from the house, and you accepted it, and it was your property
+after that, and you brought it into the house, and you must pay the
+duty on it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>For a moment Mrs. Fenelby was inclined<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> to be hurt, and then she
+laughed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What is it?&#8221; her husband asked, as he seated himself at his end of
+the table, and unfolded his napkin.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;ll pay the twenty-four cents; but please don&#8217;t bring me any more
+candy,&#8221; she said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> &#8220;I can&#8217;t afford presents. But that wasn&#8217;t what I
+was laughing about. I just happened to think of Will and Kitty. Will
+they have to pay duty on their trunks and all the things they have
+in them? Kitty has the most <i>luxurious</i> dresses, and luxuries pay
+thirty per cent. If she will have to pay on them perhaps I had
+better telegraph her to come with only a dress suit-case.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>They did not telegraph Kitty. About a week later Kitty arrived, and
+the next day Billy came, and to each the Fenelbys explained the
+Fenelby Tariff, on the way up from the station. Both thought it was
+a splendid idea, and agreed to uphold the tariff law and abide by it
+and be governed by it, and when Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty&#8217;s
+baggage-checks to Tom and asked him to see that the three trunks
+were sent over from the city and delivered at the house, Mr. Fenelby
+had no idea what was in store for him.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55-6]</a></span></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/i058.jpg" class="ispace" width="450" height="337" alt="&#8220;Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty&#8217;s baggage-checks to Tom&#8221;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#8220;Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty&#8217;s baggage-checks to Tom&#8221;</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="III" id="III"></a>III</h2>
+
+<h3>KITTY&#8217;S TRUNKS</h3>
+
+<p>When Mr. Fenelby went to the city in the morning he gave Kitty&#8217;s
+trunk checks to the expressman. When he returned to his home in the
+evening he found Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby on the porch, and Mrs.
+Fenelby was explaining to her visitor, for about the tenth time, the
+workings of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. She had explained to Kitty
+how the tariff had come to be adopted, how it was to supply an
+education fund for Bobberts&mdash;who was at that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>moment asleep in his
+crib, upstairs&mdash;and how every necessity brought into the house had
+to pay into Bobberts&#8217; bank ten per cent., and every luxury thirty
+per cent. Kitty was a dear, as was Mrs. Fenelby, but they were as
+different as cousins could well be, for while Mrs. Fenelby was the
+man&#8217;s ideal of a gentle domestic person, Kitty was the man&#8217;s ideal
+of a forceful, jolly girl, and as full of liveliness as a well
+behaved young lady could be. She was properly interested in Bobberts
+and admired him loudly, but in her heart she was not sorry that Mr.
+Fenelby&#8217;s brother Will was to be a visitor at the house during her
+stay.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>She did not show any unmaidenly curiosity in regard to Brother Will,
+but between doses of Bobberts and Tariff she managed to learn about
+all Mrs. Fenelby knew regarding Brother Will&#8217;s past, present and
+future, including a pretty minute description of his appearance,
+habits and beliefs.</p>
+
+<p>Brother Will had arrived that very day, and on the way up from the
+station the Fenelbys had explained to him all about the Domestic
+Tariff, and also that until a bed could be sent out from the city he
+would have to find a bed wherever he could, and so it happened that
+he went right back to the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>city with Mr. Fenelby, and had not met
+Kitty, as he preferred to sleep in the city, rather than in the
+hammock on the porch.</p>
+
+<p>There is an admirable natural honesty in women that prevents them
+from claiming that their husbands are perfection. In some this is so
+abnormally developed that, to be on the safe side, I suppose, they
+will not allow that their husbands have any virtues whatever; in
+others the trace of this type of honesty is so slight that they will
+claim to every one, except their dearest friends, that their
+husbands are the best in the world. The normal wife first announces
+that her husband <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>is as near perfect as any man can be, and then
+proceeds to enumerate all his imperfections, bad humors, and
+annoying habits, under the impression, perhaps, that she is praising
+him. Mrs. Fenelby had been proceeding in somewhat this way in her
+conversation with Kitty, under the impression that she was showing
+Kitty how lovely and domestically perfect was her life, but Kitty
+gained from it only the impression that Mrs. Fenelby had become the
+slave of Mr. Fenelby and Bobberts.</p>
+
+<p>The more Mrs. Fenelby explained the workings of the Domestic Tariff
+the more positive of this did Kitty become.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> It was Laura who paid
+all the household bills, and so Laura had to pay the tariff duty on
+whatever came into the house; it was Laura who had to give up her
+weekly box of candy because if she received it she had to pay
+twenty-four cents duty. To Kitty the Fenelby Domestic Tariff seemed
+to be a scheme concocted by Mr. Fenelby to make Laura provide an
+education fund for Bobberts. Poor Laura was evidently being misused
+and did not know it. Poor Laura must be rescued, and given that
+womanly freedom that women are supposed to long for, even when they
+don&#8217;t want it. Poor meek Laura <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>needed some one to put a foot down,
+and Kitty felt that she had an admirable foot for that or any other
+purpose. She proposed to put it down.</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Fenelby entered his yard on his return from the city he
+stopped short, and then looked up to where the two young women were
+sitting on the porch.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Hello!&#8221; he said,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> &#8220;What is the matter with these trunks? Wouldn&#8217;t
+that expressman carry them upstairs? I declare, those fellows are
+getting too independent for comfort. Unless you hold a dollar tip
+out before them they won&#8217;t so much as turn around. Now, I distinctly
+told this fellow to carry these three trunks upstairs, and I said I
+would make it all right with him, and here he leaves them on the
+lawn. I hope, dear, you were at home when he came.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes, dear,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;I was, and you should not blame the
+poor man. I am sure he tried hard enough to carry them up. He
+actually insisted on carrying them up whether we wanted them up or
+not. He was quite rude about it. He said you had told him to carry
+them up and that he meant to do it whether we let him or not,
+and&mdash;and at last I had to give him a dollar to leave them down
+here.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>&#8220;You&mdash;you gave him a dollar <i>not</i> to carry these trunks upstairs!&#8221;
+exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;Did you say you <i>paid</i> the man a dollar
+<i>not</i> to carry them upstairs?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I had to,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;It was the only way I could prevent
+him from doing it. He said you told him to carry them up, and that
+up they must go, if he had to break down the front door to do it. I
+think he must have been drinking, Tom, he used such awful language,
+and at last he got quite maudlin about it and sat down on one of the
+trunks and cried, actually cried! He said that for years and years
+he had refused to carry trunks upstairs, and that now, just <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>when he
+had joined the Salvation Army, and was trying to lead a better life,
+and be kind and helpful and earn an extra dollar for his family by
+carrying trunks upstairs when gentlemen asked him to, I had to step
+in and refuse to let him carry trunks upstairs, and that this was
+the sort of thing that discouraged a poor man who was trying to make
+up for his past errors. So I gave him a dollar to leave them down
+here.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby looked at the three big trunks ruefully, and shook his
+head at them.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; he said,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> &#8220;I suppose it is all right, Laura, but I can&#8217;t see
+why you wouldn&#8217;t let him take them up. You know I don&#8217;t enjoy that
+kind of work, and that I don&#8217;t think it is good for me.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Kitty didn&#8217;t want them taken up,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, gently.
+&#8220;She&mdash;she wanted them left down here.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Down here?&#8221; asked Mr. Fenelby, as if dazed. &#8220;Down here on the
+grass?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes,&#8221; said Kitty, lightly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> &#8220;It was my idea. Laura had nothing to do
+with it at all. I thought it would be nice to have the trunks down
+here on the lawn. Everywhere I visit they always take my trunks up
+to my room, and it gets so tiresome always having the same thing
+happen, so I thought that this time I would have a variety and leave
+my trunks on the lawn. I never in my life left my trunks on a front
+lawn, and I wanted to see how it would be. You don&#8217;t think they will
+hurt the grass do you, Mr. Fenelby?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Kitty asked this with such an air of sincerity that Mr. Fenelby
+seated himself on one of the trunks and looked up at her anxiously.
+He could not recall that he had ever heard of any weakness of mind
+in Kitty or in her family, but he could not doubt his ears.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>&#8220;But&mdash;but&mdash;&#8221; he said, &#8220;but you don&#8217;t mean to leave them here, do
+you?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Kitty smiled down at him reassuringly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Of course, if it is going to harm the grass at all, Mr. Fenelby, I
+sha&#8217;n&#8217;t think of it,&#8221; she said. &#8220;I know that sometimes when a board
+or anything lies on the grass a long time the grass under the board
+gets all white, and if the trunks are going to make white spots on
+your lawn, I&#8217;ll have them removed, but I thought that if we moved
+the trunks around to different places every day it would avoid that.
+But you know more about that than I do. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>Do you think they will make
+white places on the lawn, Mr. Fenelby?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I don&#8217;t know,&#8221; he said, abstractedly. &#8220;I mean, yes, of course they
+will. But they will get rained on. You don&#8217;t want your trunks rained
+on, you know. Trunks aren&#8217;t meant to be rained on. It isn&#8217;t good for
+them.&#8221; A thought came to him suddenly. &#8220;You and Laura haven&#8217;t
+quarreled, have you?&#8221; he asked, for he thought that perhaps that was
+why Kitty would not have her trunks carried up.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Indeed not!&#8221; cried Kitty, putting her arm affectionately around
+Laura&#8217;s waist.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>&#8220;I&mdash;I thought perhaps you had,&#8221; faltered Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;I
+thought&mdash;that is to say&mdash;I was afraid perhaps you were going away
+again. I thought you were going to make us a good, long visit&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Indeed I am,&#8221; said Kitty, cheerfully. &#8220;I am going to stay weeks,
+and weeks, and weeks. I am going to stay until you are all tired to
+death of me, and beg me to begone.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That is good,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, with an attempt at pleasure.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> &#8220;But
+don&#8217;t you think, since you are going to do what we want you to do,
+and stay for weeks, and weeks, and weeks, that you had better let
+your trunks be taken up to your room? Or&mdash;I&#8217;ll tell you what we&#8217;ll
+do! Suppose we just take the trunks into the lower hall?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>He felt pretty certainly, now, that Kitty must have had a little
+touch of, say, sunstroke, or something of that kind, and he went on
+in a gently argumentative tone.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Just into the lower hall,&#8221; he said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> &#8220;That would be different from
+having them in your room, and it would save my grass. I worked hard
+to get this lawn looking as it does now, Kitty, and I cannot deny
+that big trunks like these will not do it any good. Let us say we
+will put the trunks in the lower hall. Then they will be safe, too.
+No one can steal them there. A front lawn is a rather conspicuous
+place for trunks. And what will the neighbors say, too, if we leave
+the trunks on the lawn? Why shouldn&#8217;t we put the trunks in the lower
+hall?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; said Kitty, &#8220;I can&#8217;t afford it, that is why. Really, Mr.
+Fenelby, I can&#8217;t afford to have those three trunks brought into the
+house.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And yet,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, with just the slightest hint of
+impatience, &#8220;you girls could afford to give the man a dollar <i>not</i>
+to take them in! That is woman&#8217;s logic!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh! a dollar!&#8221; said Kitty.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> &#8220;If it was only a matter of a dollar! I
+hope you don&#8217;t think, Mr. Fenelby, that I travel with only ten
+dollars&#8217; worth of baggage! No, indeed! I simply cannot afford to pay
+ten per cent. duty on what is in those trunks, and so I prefer to
+let them remain on the lawn. I wrote Laura that I expected to be
+treated as one of the family while I was visiting her, and if the
+Domestic Tariff is part of the way the family is treated I certainly
+expect to live up to it. Now, don&#8217;t blame Laura, for she was not
+only willing to have the trunks come in without paying duty, but
+insisted that they should.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby looked very grave. He was in a perplexing situation. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>He
+certainly did not wish to appear inhospitable, and yet Laura had had
+no right to say that the trunks could enter the house duty free. The
+only way such an unusual alteration in the Domestic Tariff could be
+made was by act of the Family Congress, and he very well knew that
+if once the matter of revising the tariff was taken up it was beyond
+the ken of man where it would end. He preferred to stand pat on the
+tariff as it had been originally adopted.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I told her,&#8221; said Kitty, &#8220;that she had no right to throw off the
+duty on my trunks, at all, and that I wouldn&#8217;t have it, and I
+didn&#8217;t.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>&#8220;Well, Tom,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;you know perfectly well that we
+can&#8217;t leave those trunks out on the lawn. It would not only be
+absolutely foolish to do that, but cruel to Kitty. A girl simply
+can&#8217;t visit away from home without trunks, and it is absolutely
+necessary that Kitty should have her trunks.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;&#8216;Necessities, ten per cent.,&#8217;&#8221; quoted Kitty.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But, my dear,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, softly,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> &#8220;we really can&#8217;t break all
+our household rules just because Kitty has brought three trunks, can
+we? Kitty does not expect us to do that, and I think she looks at it
+in a very rational manner. I like the spirit she has evinced.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Very well, then,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;you must find some way to
+take care of those trunks, for we cannot leave them on the lawn.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Why can&#8217;t we take them to some neighbor&#8217;s house?&#8221; asked Kitty. &#8220;I
+am sure some neighbor would be glad to store them for me for awhile.
+Aren&#8217;t you on good terms with your neighbors, Laura?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;The Rankins might take them,&#8221; said Laura, thoughtfully. &#8220;They have
+that vacant room, you know, Tom. They might not mind letting us put
+them in there.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>&#8220;I don&#8217;t know the Rankins,&#8221; said Kitty, &#8220;but I am sure they are
+perfectly lovely people, and that they would not mind in the least.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I know they wouldn&#8217;t,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;Rankin would be glad to
+do something of that sort to repay me for the number of times he has
+borrowed my lawn-mower. I will step over after dinner and ask him.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Are you sure, very sure, that you do not mind, Kitty?&#8221; asked Mrs.
+Fenelby. &#8220;You will not feel hurt, or anything?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, no!&#8221; said Kitty, lightly. &#8220;It will be a lark. I never in my
+life went visiting with three trunks, and then <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>had them stored in
+another house. It will be quite like being shipwrecked on a desert
+island, to get along with one shirt-waist and one handkerchief.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It will not be quite that bad, you know,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, with
+the air of a man stating a great discovery, &#8220;because, don&#8217;t you see,
+you can open your trunks at the Rankins&#8217;, and bring over just as
+many things as you think you can afford to pay on.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>For some reason that Mr. Fenelby could not fathom Kitty laughed
+merrily at this, and then they all went in to dinner. It was a very
+good dinner, of the kind that Bridget could prepare when she was in
+the humor, and they <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>sat rather longer over it than usual, and then
+Mr. Fenelby proposed that he should step over to the Rankins&#8217; and
+arrange about the storage of Kitty&#8217;s trunks, and on thinking it over
+he decided that he had better step down to the station and see if he
+could not get a man to carry the trunks across the street and up the
+Rankins&#8217; stairs. As they filed out of the house upon the porch,
+Kitty suddenly decided that it was a beautiful evening for a little
+walk, and that nothing would please her so much as to walk to the
+station with Mr. Fenelby, if Laura would be one of the party, and
+after running up to see that Bobberts was all <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>right, Laura said that she would go, and they started. As they were
+crossing the street to the Rankins&#8217; Kitty suddenly turned back.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81-2]</a></span></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/i084.jpg" class="ispace" width="450" height="366" alt="&#8220;Never in the history of trunks was the act of
+unpacking done so quickly or so recklessly&#8221;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#8220;Never in the history of trunks was the act of
+unpacking done so quickly or so recklessly&#8221;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>&#8220;You two go ahead,&#8221; she said. &#8220;The air will do you good, Laura. I
+have something I want to do,&#8221; and she ran back.</p>
+
+<p>She entered the house, and looked out of the window until she saw
+the Fenelbys go into the Rankins&#8217; and come out again, and saw them
+start to the station, but as soon as they were out of sight she
+dashed down the porch steps and threw open the lids of her trunks.
+Never in the history of trunks was the act of unpacking done <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>so
+quickly or so recklessly. She dived into the masses of fluffiness
+and emerged with great armfuls, and hurried them into the house, up
+the stairs, and into her closet, and was down again for another
+load. If she had been looting the trunks she could not have worked
+more hurriedly, or more energetically, and when the last armful had
+been carried up she slammed the lids and turned the keys, and sank
+in a graceful position on the lower porch step.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. Fenelby returned with leisurely slowness of pace, the
+station loafer and man-of-little-work slouching along at a
+respectful distance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> behind them. Kitty greeted them with a cheerful
+frankness of face. The man-of-little-work looked at the three big
+trunks as if their size was in some way a personal insult to him. He
+tried to assume the look of a man who had been cozened away from his
+needed rest on false pretences.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I didn&#8217;t know as the trunks was as big as them,&#8221; he drawled.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> &#8220;If
+I&#8217;d knowed they was, I wouldn&#8217;t of walked all the way over here.
+Fifty cents ain&#8217;t no fair price for carryin&#8217; three trunks, the size
+and heft of them, across&mdash;well, say this is a sixty foot
+street&mdash;say, eighty feet, and up a flight of stairs. I don&#8217;t say
+nothin&#8217;, but I&#8217;ll leave it to the ladies.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Fifty cents!&#8221; cried Kitty. &#8220;I should think not! Why, I didn&#8217;t
+imagine you would do it for less than a dollar. I mean to pay you a
+dollar.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That&#8217;s right,&#8221; said the man. &#8220;You see I have to walk all the way
+back to the station when I git through, too. My time goin&#8217; and
+comin&#8217; is worth something.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87-8]</a></span></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 434px;">
+<img src="images/i090.jpg" class="ispace" width="434" height="400" alt="&#8220;With all the grace of a Sandow&#8221;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#8220;With all the grace of a Sandow&#8221;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>He bent down and took the largest trunk by one handle, to heave it
+to his back, and as he touched the handle the trunk almost arose
+into the air of its own accord. The man straightened up and looked
+at it, and a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> strange look passed across his face, but he closed his mouth and
+said nothing.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Would you like a lift?&#8221; asked Mr. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No,&#8221; said the man shortly. &#8220;I know <i>how</i> to handle trunks, I do,&#8221;
+and it certainly seemed that he did, for he swung it to his back
+with all the grace of a Sandow, and started off with it. Mr. Fenelby
+looked at him with surprise.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, isn&#8217;t that one of the oddities of nature?&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+&#8220;That fellow looks as if he had no strength at all, and see how he
+carries off that trunk as if there was not a thing in it. I suppose
+it is a knack he has. Now, see how hard it is for me merely to lift
+one end of this smallest one.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>But before he could touch it Kitty had grasped him by the arm.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, don&#8217;t try it!&#8221; she cried. &#8220;Please don&#8217;t! You might hurt your
+back.&#8221;</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="IV" id="IV"></a>IV</h2>
+
+<h3>BILLY</h3>
+
+<p>A few minutes before noon the next day Billy Fenelby dropped into
+Mr. Fenelby&#8217;s office in the city and the two men went out to lunch
+together. It would be hard to imagine two brothers more unlike than
+Thomas and William Fenelby, for if Thomas Fenelby was inclined to be
+small in stature and precise in his manner, William was all that his
+nickname of Billy implied, and was not so many years out of his
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>college foot-ball eleven, where he had won a place because of his
+size and strength. Billy Fenelby, after having been heroized by
+innumerable girls during his college years, had become definitely a
+man&#8217;s man, and was in the habit of saying that his girly-girl days
+were over, and that he would walk around a block any day to escape
+meeting a girl. He was not afraid of girls, and he did not hate
+them, but he simply held that they were not worth while. The truth
+was that he had been so petted and worshiped by them as a star
+foot-ball player that the attention they paid him, as an ordinary
+young man not unlike many <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>other young men out of college, seemed
+tame by comparison. No doubt he had come to believe, during his
+college days, that the only interesting thing a girl could do was to
+admire a man heartily, and in the manner that only foot-ball players
+and matinee idols are admired, so that now, when he had no
+particular claim to admiration, girls had become, so far as he was
+concerned, useless affairs.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, about this girl-person that you have over at your house,&#8221; he
+said to his brother, when they were seated at their lunch, &#8220;what
+about her?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;About her?&#8221; asked Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;How do you mean?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>&#8220;What about her?&#8221; repeated Billy. &#8220;You know how I feel about the
+girl-business. I suppose she is going to stay awhile?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Kitty? I think so. We want her to. But you needn&#8217;t bother about
+Kitty. She won&#8217;t bother you a bit. She&#8217;s the right sort, Billy. Not
+like Laura, of course, for I don&#8217;t believe there is another woman
+anywhere just like Laura, but Kitty is not the ordinary flighty
+girl. You should hear her appreciate Bobberts. She saw his good
+points, and remarked about them, at once, and the way she has caught
+the spirit of the Domestic Tariff that I was telling you about is
+fine! Most <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>girls would have hemmed and hawed about it, but she
+didn&#8217;t! No, sir! She just saw what a fine idea it was, and when she
+saw that she couldn&#8217;t afford to have her three trunks brought into
+the house she proposed that she leave them at a neighbor&#8217;s. Did not
+make a single complaint. Don&#8217;t worry about Kitty.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That is all right about the tariff,&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;I can&#8217;t say I
+think much of that tariff idea myself, but so long as it is the
+family custom a guest couldn&#8217;t do any less than live up to it. But I
+don&#8217;t like the idea of having to spend a number of weeks in the same
+house with any girl. They are all <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>bores, Tom, and I know it. A man
+can&#8217;t have any comfort when there is a girl in the house. And
+between you and me that Kitty girl looks like the kind that is sure
+to be always right at a fellow&#8217;s side. I was wondering if Laura
+would think it was all right if I stayed in town here?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No, she wouldn&#8217;t,&#8221; said Tom shortly. &#8220;She would be offended, and so
+would I. If you are going to let some nonsense about girls being a
+bore,&mdash;which is all foolishness&mdash;keep you away from the house, you
+had better&mdash;Why,&#8221; he added,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> &#8220;it is an insult to us&mdash;to Laura and
+me&mdash;just as if you said right out that the company we choose to ask
+to our home was not good enough for you to associate with. If you
+think our house is going to bore you&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, look here, old man,&#8221; said Billy, &#8220;I don&#8217;t mean that at all,
+and you know I don&#8217;t. I simply don&#8217;t like girls, and that is all
+there is to it. But I&#8217;ll come. I&#8217;ll have my trunk sent over and&mdash;Say,
+do I have to pay duty on what I have in my trunk?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Certainly,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;That is, of course, if you want to
+enter into the spirit of the thing. It is only ten per cent., you
+know, and it all goes into Bobberts&#8217; education fund.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>Billy sat in silent thought awhile.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I wonder,&#8221; he said at length, &#8220;how it would do if I just put a few
+things into my suit-case&mdash;enough to last me a few days at a
+time&mdash;and left my trunk over here. I don&#8217;t need everything I brought
+in that trunk. I was perfectly reckless about putting things in that
+trunk. I put into that trunk nearly everything I own in this world,
+just because the trunk was so big that it would hold everything, and
+it seemed a pity to bring a big trunk like that with nothing in it
+but air. Now, I could take my suit-case and put into it the things I
+will really need&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>&#8220;Certainly,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;You can do that if you want to, and
+it would be perfectly fair to Bobberts. All Bobberts asks is to be
+paid a duty on what enters the house. He don&#8217;t say what shall be
+brought in, or what shall not. Personally, Billy, I would call the
+duty off, so far as you are concerned, but I don&#8217;t think Laura would
+like it. We started this thing fair, and we are all living up to it.
+Laura made Kitty live up to it and you can see it would not be right
+for me to make an exception in your case just because you happen to
+be my brother.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No,&#8221; agreed Billy,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> &#8220;it wouldn&#8217;t. I don&#8217;t ask it. I will play the
+game and I will play it fair. All I ask is: If I bring a suit-case,
+do I have to pay on the case? Because if I do, I won&#8217;t bring it. I
+can wrap all I need in a piece of paper, and save the duty on the
+suit-case. I believe in playing fair, Tom, but that is no reason why
+I should be extravagant.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think,&#8221; said Tom, doubtfully, &#8220;suit-cases should come in free. Of
+course, if it was a brand new suit-case it would have to pay duty,
+but an old one&mdash;one that has been used&mdash;is different. It is like
+wrapping-paper. The duty is assessed on what the package contains
+and not on the package itself. If it is not a new suit-case <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>you
+will not have to pay duty on it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Then my suit-case will go in free,&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;It is one of the
+first crop of suit-cases that was raised in this country, and I
+value it more as a relic than as a suit-case. I carry it more as a
+souvenir than as a suit-case.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Souvenirs are different,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;Souvenirs are classed
+as luxuries, and pay thirty per cent. If you consider it a souvenir
+it pays duty.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I will consider it a suit-case,&#8221; said Billy promptly. &#8220;I will
+consider it a poor old, worn-out suit-case.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>&#8220;I think that would be better,&#8221; agreed Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;But we will
+have to wait and see what Laura considers it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>As on the previous evening the ladies were on the porch, enjoying
+the evening air, when Mr. Fenelby reached home, with Billy in tow,
+and Billy greeted them as if he had never wished anything better
+than to meet Miss Kitty.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Where is this custom house Tom has been telling me about?&#8221; he
+asked, as soon as the hand shaking was over. &#8220;I want to have my
+baggage examined. I have dutiable goods to declare. Who is the
+inspector?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103-4]</a></span></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/i106.jpg" class="ispace" width="450" height="393" alt="&#8220;&#8216;I declare one collar&#8217;&#8221;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#8220;&#8216;I declare one collar&#8217;&#8221;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;Laura is,&#8221; said Kitty. &#8220;She is the slave of the grinding system
+that fosters monopoly and treads under heel the poor people.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;All right,&#8221; said Billy, &#8220;I declare one collar. I wish to bring one
+collar into the bosom of this family. I have in this suit-case one
+collar. I never travel without one extra collar. It is the
+two-for-a-quarter kind, with a name like a sleeping car, and it has
+been laundered twice, which brings it to the verge of ruin. How much
+do I have to pay on the one collar?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Collars are a necessity,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;and they pay ten
+per&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What a notion!&#8221; exclaimed Kitty.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> &#8220;Collars are not a necessity.
+Collars are an actual luxury, especially in warm weather. Many very
+worthy men never wear a collar at all, and would not think of
+wearing one in hot weather. They are like jewelry or&mdash;or something
+of that sort. Collars certainly pay thirty per cent.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I reserve the right to appeal,&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;Those are the words of
+an unjust judge. But how much do I take off the value of the collar
+because two thirds of its life has been laundered away? How much is
+one third of twelve and a half?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, that is pure nonsense,&#8221; Kitty said,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> &#8220;and I sha&#8217;n&#8217;t let poor,
+dear little Bobberts be robbed in any such way. That collar cost
+twelve and a half cents, and it has had two and a half cents spent
+on it twice, so it is now a seventeen and a half cent collar, and
+thirty per cent. of that is&mdash;is&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, if you are going to rob me!&#8221; exclaimed Billy. &#8220;I don&#8217;t care. I
+can get along without a collar. I will bring out a sweater
+to-morrow.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Sweaters pay only ten per cent.,&#8221; said Kitty sweetly. &#8220;What else
+have you in your suit-case?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Air,&#8221; said Billy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> &#8220;Nothing but air. I didn&#8217;t think I could afford
+to bring anything else, and I will leave the collar out here. I
+open the case&mdash;I take out the collar&mdash;I place it gently on the porch
+railing&mdash;and I take the empty suit-case into the house. I pay no
+duty at all, and that is what you get for being so grasping.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby shook his head.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You can&#8217;t do that, Billy,&#8221; he said. &#8220;That puts the suit-case in
+another class. It isn&#8217;t a package for holding anything now, and it
+isn&#8217;t a necessity&mdash;because you can&#8217;t need an empty suit-case&mdash;so it
+doesn&#8217;t go in at ten per cent., so it must be a luxury, and it pays
+thirty per cent.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That suit-case,&#8221; said Billy, looking at it with a calculating eye,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>
+&#8220;is not worth thirty per cent. of what it is worth. It is
+worthless, and I wouldn&#8217;t give ten per cent. of nothing for it. It
+stays outside. So I pay nothing. I go in free. Unless I have to pay
+on myself.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You don&#8217;t have to,&#8221; said Kitty, &#8220;although I suppose Laura and Tom
+think you are a luxury.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Don&#8217;t you think I am one?&#8221; asked Billy.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No, I don&#8217;t,&#8221; said Kitty frankly, &#8220;and when you know me better, you
+will not ask such a foolish question. Where ever I am, there a young
+man is a necessity.&#8221;</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="V" id="V"></a>V</h2>
+
+<h3>THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST</h3>
+
+<p>The morning after Billy Fenelby&#8217;s arrival at the Fenelby home he
+awakened unusually early, as one is apt to awaken in a strange bed,
+and he lay awhile thinking over the events of the previous evening.
+He was more than ever convinced that Kitty was not the kind of girl
+he liked. He felt that she had made a bare-faced effort to flirt
+with him the evening before, and that she was just the kind of a
+girl that was apt <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>to be troublesome to a bachelor. She was the kind
+of a girl that would demand a great deal of attention and expect it
+as a natural right, and then, when she received it, make the man
+feel that he had been attentive in quite another way, and that the
+only fair thing would be to propose. And he felt that she was the
+kind of girl that no man could propose to with any confidence
+whatever. She would be just as likely to accept him as not, and
+having accepted him, she would be just as likely to expect him to
+marry her as not. He felt that he was in a very ticklish situation.
+He saw that Kitty was the sort of girl that would <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>take any air of
+rude indifference he might assume to be a challenge, and any comely
+polite attention to be serious love making. He saw that the only
+safe thing for him to do would be to run away, but, since he had
+seen Kitty, that was the last thing in the world that he would have
+thought of doing. He decided that he would constitute her bright
+eyes and red lips to be a mental warning sign reading &#8220;Danger&#8221; in
+large letters, and that whenever he saw them he would be as wary as
+a rabbit and yet as brave as a lion.</p>
+
+<p>He next felt a sincere regret that he had refused to pay the duty on
+the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>clean collar he had brought with him, and that he had left on
+the railing of the porch. He got out of bed and looked at the collar
+he had worn the day before, and frowned at it as he saw that it was
+not quite immaculate. Then he listened closely for any sound in the
+house that would tell him Mr. or Mrs. Fenelby were up. He heard
+nothing. He hastily slipped on his clothes, and tip-toed out of the
+room and down the stairs. This tariff for revenue only was well
+enough for Thomas and Laura, and assessing a duty of ten per cent.
+on everything that came into the house (and thirty per cent. on
+luxuries) might fill up <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>Bobberts&#8217; bank, and provide that baby with
+an education fund, but it was an injustice to bachelor uncles when
+there was an unmarried girl in the house. If this Kitty girl was
+willing to so forget what was due to a young man as to appear in one
+dress the whole time of her stay, that was her look-out, but for his
+part he did not intend to lower his dignity by going down to
+breakfast in a soiled collar. If creeping down to the porch in his
+stockings, and bringing in that collar surreptitiously, was
+smuggling, then&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Billy stopped short at the screen door. From there he could see the
+spot on the railing where he had put <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>the collar, and the collar was
+not there! No doubt it had fallen to the lawn. He opened the screen
+door carefully and stepped outside. The early morning air was cool
+and sweet, and an ineffable quiet rested on the suburb. He tip-toed
+gently across the porch and down the porch steps, and hobbled
+carefully across the painful pebble walk and stepped upon the lawn.
+There was dew on the lawn. The lawn was soaked and saturated and
+steeped in dew. It bathed his feet in chilliness, as if he had
+stepped into a pail of ice water, and the vines that clambered up
+the porch-side were dewy too. As he kneeled on the grass <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>and pawed
+among the vines, seeking the missing collar, the vines showered down
+the crystal drops upon him, and soaked his sleeves, and added a
+finishing touch of ruin to the collar he was wearing. The other
+collar was not there! It was not among the vines, it was not on the
+lawn, it was not on the porch, and soaked in socks and sleeves he
+retreated. He paused a minute on the porch to glance thoughtfully at
+the moist foot-prints his feet left on the boards, and wondered if
+they would be dry before Tom or Laura came down. At any rate there
+was no help for it now, and he went up the stairs again.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>The most uncomfortable small discomfort is wet socks, whether they
+come from a small hole in the bottom of a shoe or from walking on a
+lawn in the early morning, and Billy wiggled his toes as he slowly
+and carefully climbed the stairs. As he turned the last turn at the
+top he stopped short and blushed. Kitty was standing there awaiting
+him, a smile on her face and his other collar in her hand. She laid
+her finger on her lip, and tapped it there to command silence, and
+raised her brows at him, to let him know that she knew where he had
+been and why.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I thought you would want it,&#8221; she said in the faintest whisper,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> &#8220;so
+I smuggled it in last night. I had no idea <i>you</i> would stoop to
+such a thing, but&mdash;but I felt so sorry for you, without a collar.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Thanks!&#8221; whispered Billy. It was a masterpiece of whispering, that
+word. It was a gruff whisper, warding off familiarity, and yet it
+was a grateful whisper, as a whisper should be to thank a pretty
+girl for a favor done, but still it was a scoffing whisper, with a
+tinge of resentfulness, but resentfulness tempered by courtesy.
+Underlying all this was a flavor of independence, but not such crude
+independence that it killed the delicate tone that implied that the
+hearer of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>the whisper was a very pretty girl, and that that fact
+was granted even while her interference in the whisperer&#8217;s affairs
+was misliked, and her suspicions of dishonest acts on his part
+considered uncalled for. If he did not quite succeed in getting all
+this crowded into the one word it was doubtless because his feet
+were so wet and uncomfortable. Billy was rather conscious that he
+had not quite succeeded, and he would have tried again, adding this
+time an inflection to mean that he well understood that her object
+was to get him into a quasi conspiracy and thus draw him irrevocably
+into confidential relations of misdemeanor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> from which he could not
+escape, but that he refused to be so drawn&mdash;I say he would have
+repeated the word, but a sound in one of the bed-rooms close at hand
+sent them both tip-toeing to their rooms.</p>
+
+<p>They had hardly reached safety when the door of Mr. Fenelby&#8217;s room
+opened and Mr. Fenelby stole out quietly, stole as quietly down the
+stairs and out upon the porch. He looked at the railing where Billy
+had left the collar, and then he peered over the railing, and as
+silently stole up the stairs again. He paused at Billy&#8217;s door and
+tapped on it. Billy opened it a mere hint of a crack.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>&#8220;What is it?&#8221; he whispered.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That collar,&#8221; whispered Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;I thought about it all night,
+and I didn&#8217;t think it right that you should be made to do without
+it. I just went down, to get it, but it isn&#8217;t there.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Never mind,&#8221; whispered Billy. &#8220;Don&#8217;t worry, old man. I will wear
+the one I have.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby hesitated.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Of course,&#8221; he whispered, &#8220;you won&#8217;t&mdash;That is to say, you needn&#8217;t
+tell Laura I went down&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Certainly not,&#8221; whispered Billy. &#8220;It was awfully kind of you to
+think of it. But I&#8217;ll make this one do.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>Mr. Fenelby waited at the door a moment longer as if he had
+something more to say, but Billy had closed the door, and he went
+back to his room.</p>
+
+<p>It was with relief that Bridget heard the door close behind Mr.
+Fenelby. She had been standing on the little landing of the
+back-stairs, where he had almost caught her as she was coming up. If
+she had been one step higher he would have seen her head. Usually
+she would not have minded this, for she had a perfect right to be on
+the back-stairs in the early morning, but this time she felt that it
+was her duty to remain undiscovered. Now that Mr. Fenelby was gone
+she <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>softly stepped to Billy&#8217;s door and knocked lightly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Misther Billy, sor, are ye there?&#8221; she whispered. Billy opened the
+door a crack and looked out.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Mornin&#8217; to ye,&#8221; she said in a hoarse whisper. &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry t&#8217;
+disthurb ye, but Missus Fenelby axed me t&#8217; bring up th&#8217; collar ye
+left on th&#8217; porrch railin&#8217;, an&#8217; t&#8217; let no wan know I done it, an&#8217; I
+just wanted t&#8217; let ye know th&#8217; reason I have not brung it up is
+because belike someone else has brang it already, for it is gone.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Thank you, Bridget,&#8221; whispered Billy. &#8220;It doesn&#8217;t matter.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She turned away, but when he had <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>closed the door she paused, and
+after hesitating a moment she tapped on his door again. He opened
+it.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I have put me foot in it,&#8221; she said, &#8220;like I always do. W&#8217;u&#8217;d ye be
+so good as t&#8217; fergit I mentioned th&#8217; name of Missus Fenelby, that&#8217;s
+a dear man? I raymimber now I was not t&#8217; mention it t&#8217; ye.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Certainly, Bridget,&#8221; said Billy, and he closed the door and went
+again to the window, where he was turning his socks over and over in
+the streak of sunlight that warmed a part of the window sill.</p>
+
+<p>It took the socks a little longer to dry than he had thought it
+would, and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>they were still damp enough to make his feet feel
+anything but comfortable when he heard the breakfast bell tinkle
+faintly. He hurried the rest of his toilet and went down the stairs,
+assuming as he went the air of unsuspected innocence that is the
+inborn right of every man who knows he has done wrong. The bodily
+Billy was more conscious of the discomfort of his feet, but the
+mental Billy was all collar. He had never known a collar to be so
+obtrusive. He felt that he must seem all collar, even to the most
+casual eye, but he was upheld by the belief that no one would dare
+to mention collar to him in public. If he had <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span>sinned he was not the
+only sinner, for he was but a partner in conspiracy. He walked down
+the stairs boldly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And to think that his vanity should be the cause of robbing poor
+little Bobberts,&#8221; he heard a clear voice say as he neared the
+dining room door. &#8220;It is too mean! I can never look up to man with
+the faith I have always had in man, after this. But I know they were
+his foot-prints, Laura.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Are you so sure, Kitty?&#8221; asked Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;Mightn&#8217;t they
+be&mdash;mightn&#8217;t they be Bridget&#8217;s?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;They were not,&#8221; said the voice of Kitty, and Billy paused where he
+was <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span>and stood still. &#8220;Bridget does not go about in the wet grass in
+her stocking feet. Those were Billy&#8217;s tracks on the porch. I am no
+Sherlock Holmes, but I can tell you just what he did. He stole down
+before we were awake, to look for that collar, and he did not find
+it on the railing where he had left it. Then he saw it where it had
+fallen and he went down on the wet lawn and got it. Watch him when
+he comes in to breakfast. He will be wearing a collar, and it will
+not be the one he wore last night.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Billy turned and tip-toed softly up the stairs again, undoing his
+tie as he went. When he came down his neck <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>was neatly, but
+informally swathed in a white handkerchief. Three pairs of eyes
+watched him as he entered, but he faced them unflinchingly. Mr. and
+Mrs. Fenelby let their eyes drop before his glance, but Kitty met
+his gaze with a challenge. There was nothing of treachery in her
+face, and yet she had sought to betray him. He looked at her with
+greater interest than he had ever known himself to feel regarding
+any girl, and as he looked he had a startled sense that she was
+fairer than she had been, and he caught his breath quickly and began
+to talk to Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; he said, after breakfast, as <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>Mr. Fenelby was getting ready
+to leave to catch his train, &#8220;I think I&#8217;ll walk over to the station
+with you. I have something I want to say to you.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Come along,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;But you will have to walk quickly.
+I have just time to catch my train.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Did you notice anything peculiar about Miss Kitty this morning?&#8221;
+asked Billy, when they had left the house.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Peculiar?&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;No, I don&#8217;t think so.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, I don&#8217;t want to make trouble, Tom,&#8221; said Billy,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> &#8220;but I think
+I ought to speak about this thing. If it wasn&#8217;t serious I wouldn&#8217;t
+mention it at all, but I think you ought to know what is going on in
+your own house. I think you ought to know what kind of a girl Miss
+Kitty is, so that you can be on your guard. Now, you went down to
+get that collar for me, didn&#8217;t you?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I wish you wouldn&#8217;t mention that,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby with some
+annoyance.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, I know all about that,&#8221; said Billy, warmly.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> &#8220;You say that
+because you don&#8217;t like to be thanked for all these nice, thoughtful
+things you do for a fellow. But I do thank you&mdash;just as much as if
+you had found the collar and had brought it up to me. That was all
+right. You would have paid the duty on it, and that would have been
+all right. But what do you think Miss Kitty did? Why do you think
+you could not find that collar? Do you know what she did? She
+brought that collar into the house&mdash;smuggled it in&mdash;and she had the
+nerve, the actual nerve, to give it to me. And I took it. I couldn&#8217;t
+do anything else, could I, when a girl offered it to me? I couldn&#8217;t
+say I wouldn&#8217;t take it, could I? I had to be a gentleman about it.
+And then she tried to get me into trouble by telling you I would
+come down to breakfast wearing that collar. She tried to make out
+that I was a smuggler.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I suppose it was just a bit of fun,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;Girls are
+that way, some of them.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, I want it understood that that collar is in the house, and
+that I didn&#8217;t bring it in,&#8221; said Billy, &#8220;and that if this Domestic
+Tariff business is to be carried out fairly it is Miss Kitty&#8217;s
+business to pay the duty on it. I want to set myself right with you.
+But the thing I wanted to speak about was far more serious. Do you
+know what she had on this morning?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What she had on?&#8221; asked Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;What did she have on?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>&#8220;She had on a pink shirt-waist,&#8221; said Billy fiercely. &#8220;That is what
+she had on. Right at breakfast there, in plain sight of everyone. A
+pink shirt-waist!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, that&#8217;s all right, isn&#8217;t it?&#8221; asked Mr. Fenelby, doubtfully.
+&#8220;It&#8217;s proper to wear a pink shirt-waist at breakfast, isn&#8217;t it? I
+think Laura wears shirt-waists at breakfast sometimes. I&#8217;m sure it&#8217;s
+all right. An informal home breakfast like that.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But it was pink,&#8221; insisted Billy. &#8220;I looked right at it, and I
+know. Real pink. You wouldn&#8217;t notice it, because you are so honest
+yourself, and so confiding, but I noticed it the first <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>thing. Now
+what do you think of your Miss Kitty? What do you say to that&mdash;a
+girl coming right down to breakfast in a pink shirt-waist, right
+before the whole family?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&mdash;I don&#8217;t know what to say,&#8221; faltered Mr. Fenelby, and this was
+the truth, for he did not.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, what would you say if I told you that she had on a white
+shirt-waist last evening&mdash;a white one with fluffy stuff all around
+the collar?&#8221; asked Billy. &#8220;Wouldn&#8217;t you say that that proved it?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I don&#8217;t see anything wrong in that,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;What does
+it prove?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>&#8220;It proves that she has two shirt-waists,&#8221; said Billy, seriously,
+&#8220;that is what it proves. Two shirt-waists, a white one and a pink
+one, one for dinner and one for breakfast. I don&#8217;t blame you for not
+noticing it, but I am strong that way. I notice colors and trimmings
+and all that sort of thing. And I tell you she has two. I saw them
+both and I know it. If that isn&#8217;t serious I don&#8217;t know what is.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well?&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; echoed Billy, &#8220;she is only supposed to have one. She only
+paid duty on one, and she has two. That is what I call real
+smuggling. And nobody knows how many more she <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>has. Dozens for all I
+know. Imagine her talking about my one poor old last year&#8217;s collar,
+and then flaunting around in two shirt-waists right before our eyes.
+I call that pretty serious. I&#8217;m going to watch her. You can&#8217;t be
+here all day to do it, but I haven&#8217;t anything else to do, and I&#8217;m
+going to stay right around her all day and find out about this
+thing.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;If you don&#8217;t want to&mdash;&#8221; began Mr. Fenelby, remembering Billy&#8217;s
+protestations of dislike for girls.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;ll do my duty by you and Bobberts, old man,&#8221; said Billy,
+generously.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;I was only going to say that Laura could look out for that sort of
+thing,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;I might say a word to her.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, now, I didn&#8217;t like to bring that part of it up,&#8221; said Billy,
+&#8220;but since you mention it, I guess I had better say the whole thing.
+It isn&#8217;t natural that a woman shouldn&#8217;t notice what another woman
+has on, is it? They are all keen on that sort of thing. I don&#8217;t say
+Laura is standing in with Kitty on this shirt-waist smuggling. I
+suppose it worries her terribly to see Kitty smuggling clothes in
+right under her nose, but how can Laura say anything about it? Kitty
+is her guest, isn&#8217;t she? You leave it to me!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>Just then they reached the station and the train arrived and Mr.
+Fenelby jumped aboard, and as it pulled out Billy turned and walked
+back to the house.</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="VI" id="VI"></a>VI</h2>
+
+<h3>BRIDGET</h3>
+
+<p>When the Commonwealth of Bobberts had adopted the Fenelby Domestic
+Tariff it had been Mrs. Fenelby&#8217;s duty to inform Bridget of it, and
+to explain it to her, and for two days Mrs. Fenelby worried about
+it. It was only by exercising the most superhuman wiles that a
+servant could be persuaded to sojourn in the suburb. To hold one in
+thrall it was necessary to practice the most consummate diplomacy.
+The <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>suburban servant knows she is a rare and precious article, and
+she is apt to be headstrong and independent, and so she must be
+driven with a tight rein and strong hand, and yet she is so apt to
+leave at a moment&#8217;s notice if anything offends her, that she must be
+driven with a light rein and a hand as light and gentle as a bit of
+thistledown floating on a zephyr. This is a hard combination to
+attain. It is like trying to drive a skittish and headstrong horse,
+densely constructed of lamp-chimneys and window glass, down a rough
+cobble-stoned hill road. If given the rein the glass horse will dash
+madly to flinders, and if the rein <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span>is held taut the horse&#8217;s glass
+head will snap off and the whole business go to crash. No juggler
+keeping alternate cannon-balls and feathers in the air ever
+exercised greater nicety of calculation than did Mrs. Fenelby in her
+act of at once retaining and restraining Bridget.</p>
+
+<p>To go boldly into the kitchen and announce to Bridget that she would
+hereafter be expected to pay into Bobberts&#8217; bank ten per cent. of
+the value of every necessity and thirty per cent. of the value of
+every luxury she brought into the house was the last thing that Mrs.
+Fenelby would have thought of doing. There were bits in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>that rough
+sketch of human nature known as Bridget&#8217;s character that did not
+harmonize with the idea. There had been nothing said, when Bridget
+had been engaged, about a domestic tariff. Paying one is not usually
+considered a part of a general house-worker&#8217;s duties, and Mrs.
+Fenelby felt that it would be poor policy to break this news to
+Bridget too abruptly. She used diplomacy.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Bridget,&#8221; she said, kindly, &#8220;we are very well satisfied with the
+way you do your work. We like you very well indeed.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Thank ye, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; answered Bridget,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> &#8220;and I&#8217;m glad to hear ye say it,
+though it makes little odds t&#8217; me. I do the best I know how, ma&#8217;am,
+and if ye don&#8217;t like the way I do, there is plenty of other ladies
+would be glad t&#8217; get me.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But we do like the way you do,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby eagerly. &#8220;We are
+perfectly satisfied&mdash;perfectly!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;From th&#8217; way ye started off,&#8221; said Bridget, with a shrug of her
+shoulders, &#8220;I thought ye was goin&#8217; t&#8217; give me th&#8217; bounce. Some does
+it that way.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No, indeed,&#8221; Mrs. Fenelby assured her.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> &#8220;Especially not as you take
+such an interest in dear little Bobberts. You seem to like him as
+well as if he was your own little brother. Did I tell you what Mr.
+Fenelby had planned for him?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Somethin&#8217; t&#8217; make more worrk for me, is it?&#8221; asked Bridget
+suspiciously.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Not at all!&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;It is just about his education;
+about when he gets old enough to go to college.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;&#8217;Twill be a long time from now before then,&#8221; said Bridget. &#8220;I can
+see it has nawthin&#8217; to do with me.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But that is just it,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;It has something to do
+with you&mdash;and with all of us. With everyone in this house. You love
+little Bobberts so much that you will be glad to help in his
+education.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>&#8220;Will I?&#8221; said Bridget in a way that was not too encouraging.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes, I know you will,&#8221; Mrs. Fenelby chirped cheerfully, &#8220;because it
+is the cutest plan. I know you will be so interested in it. Mr.
+Fenelby thought of it himself, and he told me to tell you about it,
+because, really, you know, you are just like one of the family&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Barring I have t&#8217; be in at ten o&#8217;clock and have t&#8217; sleep in th&#8217;
+attic,&#8221; Bridget interposed. &#8220;And don&#8217;t eat with th&#8217; family. And a
+few other differences. But go ahead and tell me what is th&#8217; extry
+worrk.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>&#8220;Well, it isn&#8217;t extra work at all,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby reassuringly.
+&#8220;It is just a way we thought of to raise money to pay for Bobberts&#8217;
+education. It is like a government and taxes, and everybody in the
+family pays part of the taxes&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I was wonderin&#8217; why I was one of the family so much, all of a
+suddent,&#8221; said Bridget. &#8220;I thought something was comin&#8217;. I notice
+that whenever I get to be one of th&#8217; family, ma&#8217;am, where ever I
+happen t&#8217; be workin&#8217;, something comes. But it never has been taxes
+before. It is a new one to me, taxes is.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby explained as clearly as she could the meaning and
+method <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and its simple schedule of
+rates, and Bridget listened attentively. Mrs. Fenelby expected an
+explosion, and was prepared for it.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m sure I&#8217;m much obliged t&#8217; ye, Missus Fenelby,&#8221; said Bridget,
+sarcastically, &#8220;an&#8217; &#8217;tis a great honor ye are doin&#8217; me t&#8217; take me
+into th&#8217; family this way, but &#8217;tis agin me principles t&#8217; be one of
+th&#8217; family on sixteen dollars a month when there is tariffs in th&#8217;
+same family. I&#8217;m thinkin&#8217; I&#8217;ll stay outside th&#8217; family, ma&#8217;am. An&#8217; if
+ye will kindly let me past, I&#8217;ll go up an&#8217; be packin&#8217; up me trunk.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>&#8220;But Bridget,&#8221; Mrs. Fenelby said, quickly, &#8220;I am not through yet. I
+knew you couldn&#8217;t afford to pay the&mdash;the tariff. I didn&#8217;t expect you
+to, out of your wages. And if you had just waited a minute I was
+going to tell you that, seeing that you will be out of pocket by the
+tariff, I am going to pay you eighteen dollars a month after this.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, of course,&#8221; said Bridget with a sweet smile, &#8220;I was only
+jokin&#8217; about me trunk.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>So that was all settled, and Mrs. Fenelby felt at ease, but she did
+not think it necessary to tell her husband about the extra two
+dollars a month. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>It came out of her housekeeping money, and she
+could economize a little on something else.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura,&#8221; said her husband that evening, &#8220;have you spoken to Bridget
+about the tariff yet?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes, dear,&#8221; she answered, and he said that was right, and that she
+must see that Bridget lived up to it. But he did not tell her that
+he had interviewed Bridget while Mrs. Fenelby was upstairs a few
+minutes before, nor that he had privately agreed with Bridget to pay
+her two dollars a month extra out of his own pocket provided she
+accepted the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and abided by it, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span>just as if
+she was one of the family. Neither did Bridget think it worth while
+to mention it to Mrs. Fenelby. From the time she was informed of the
+existence of the tariff up to the arrival of Kitty Bridget paid into
+Bobberts&#8217; bank twenty cents. This was the duty on a two dollar hat
+that even the most critical mind could not have called a luxury, and
+there Bridget&#8217;s payments seemed to stop. She did not seem to feel
+the need of making any purchases just then.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Kitty, dear,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, gently, the morning of the damp
+foot-prints on the porch, after the men had started for the station,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>
+&#8220;that is a pretty shirt-waist you have on this morning.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Do you like it?&#8221; asked Kitty, innocently. &#8220;Don&#8217;t you think it is a
+little tight across the shoulders?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;And I like this skirt better than the one
+you were wearing yesterday.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>There was no mistaking the meaning of that. The way Mrs. Fenelby
+bowed over the bit of sewing she had taken up was evidence that she
+had suspicion in her mind. Kitty clasped her hands behind her back
+and laughed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You have been looking into my closet!&#8221; she declared. &#8220;You sit there
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>and try to look innocent, and you know everything that I have, down
+to the last ribbon! Well, I just can&#8217;t afford to pay your old
+tariff. It would simply ruin me. And the men will never know,
+anyway. They don&#8217;t notice such things. I could wear a different
+dress every day, and they wouldn&#8217;t know it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But I know it,&#8221; said Laura, reprovingly. &#8220;Do you think it is right,
+Kitty, to smuggle things into the house that way? Is it fair to
+Bobberty?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;There!&#8221; exclaimed Kitty, dropping a jingling coin into Bobberts&#8217;
+bank. &#8220;There is a quarter for him! That is every cent I can afford.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>&#8220;That wouldn&#8217;t pay the duty on one single shirt-waist,&#8221; said Laura,
+quietly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It wouldn&#8217;t,&#8221; admitted Kitty, frankly, bending over Laura and
+taking her face in her hands. She turned the face upward and looked
+in its eyes. Then she bent down and whispered in Laura&#8217;s ear, and
+laughed as a blush suffused Laura&#8217;s face.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I was short of money,&#8221; said Laura with dignity, &#8220;and I mean to pay
+the duty as soon as I get my next week&#8217;s allowance. I simply had to
+have a new purse, and you coaxed me to buy it. It wasn&#8217;t smuggling
+at all.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Wasn&#8217;t it?&#8221; asked Kitty.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> &#8220;Then why did you ask me to leave it in
+my room, instead of showing it to Tom? Smuggler!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby arose and walked away. She turned to the kitchen and
+opened the door. She was just in time to see Bridget lower a bottle
+from her lips and hastily conceal it behind her skirts.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Bridget!&#8221; she exclaimed sharply, with horror.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;&#8217;Tis th&#8217; doctor&#8217;s orders, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget. &#8220;&#8217;Tis for me cold.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She coughed as well as she could, but it was not a very successful
+cough. Mrs. Fenelby hesitated a moment, and then she pointed to the
+door.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>&#8220;You may pack your trunk, Bridget,&#8221; she said, and Bridget jerked off
+her apron and stamped out of the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But perhaps the poor thing was taking it by her doctor&#8217;s orders,&#8221;
+suggested Kitty, when Mrs. Fenelby, red eyed, went into the front
+rooms again.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;She&#8217;ll have to go,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, dolefully. &#8220;I can&#8217;t have a
+drinking servant where poor, dear Bobberts is. But that isn&#8217;t what
+makes me feel so badly. It is to think how that girl has deceived
+me. I treated her just as I would treat one of the family, and she
+pretended to be so fond of Bobberts, and so interested in his
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span>education, and so eager to help his fund, and here she has been
+smuggling liquor into the house all the time.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She wiped her eyes and sighed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And liquor is a luxury, and pays thirty per cent.,&#8221; she said sadly.
+&#8220;I don&#8217;t know who to trust when I can&#8217;t trust a girl like Bridget.
+She should have paid the duty the minute she brought the stuff into
+the house. It just shows that you can&#8217;t place any reliance on that
+class.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Kitty nodded assent.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You&#8217;ll have to pay her,&#8221; she said. &#8220;Shall I run up and get your
+purse?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She went, and as she reached the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>hall, Billy entered. He gazed at
+Kitty&#8217;s garments closely, making mental note of them for future
+comparisons, and as he stood aside to let her pass he held one hand
+carefully out of sight behind him. It held a package&mdash;an oblong
+package, sharply rectangular in shape. A close observer would have
+said it was a box such as contains fifty cigars when it is full, but
+it was not full. Billy had taken one of the cigars out when he made
+the purchase at the station cigar store.</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="VII" id="VII"></a>VII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE</h3>
+
+<p>When Billy Fenelby had taken his box of cigars up to his room he
+came down again, but he did not go anywhere near Bobberts&#8217; bank, as
+he should have gone had he intended depositing in it the thirty per
+cent. of the value of the cigars, which was the duty due on cigars
+under the provisions of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. He walked out
+to the veranda and got into the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>hammock and began to read the
+morning paper.</p>
+
+<p>From time to time he let it hang down over the edge of the hammock,
+as if it bored him, and he glanced at the door as if he hoped
+someone would come out of the house. The paper was not very
+interesting that morning, and Billy had other things to think of. He
+had volunteered to keep an eye on Kitty, and to find out definitely,
+if he could, whether she was smuggling shirt-waists and other
+things&mdash;or had already smuggled them&mdash;into the house, contrary to
+the provisions of the tariff. He felt that the more he saw of girls
+the less he <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>liked them, and that the more he saw of Kitty,
+particularly, the less he fancied her, but if he was going to do
+this amateur detective business he wanted to begin it as soon as
+possible, and he watched the door closely. He wanted to see whether
+Kitty would still wear the pink shirt-waist she had worn at
+breakfast, or the white one she had worn the evening before, or
+whether she would dare to wear another.</p>
+
+<p>The sudden departure of Bridget had upset the domestic affairs
+somewhat, and Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby were busy in the kitchen, but
+after the dishes were washed, and the rooms set <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>to rights, and the
+beds made, and Bobberts given his bath, Kitty came out. It had been
+a long and tedious morning for Billy. There is nothing so helpless
+as a detective who can&#8217;t work at his business of detecting, and when
+the job is to detect a pretty girl, and she won&#8217;t show up, the
+waiting is rather tiresome. At one time Billy was almost tempted to
+go in and ask her to come out, and he would probably have gone in
+and snooped around a bit, if she had not appeared just then.</p>
+
+<p>Kitty came out with all the brazen effrontery of a hardened
+criminal. That is to say she came out singing, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>and with her hair
+perfectly in order, and looking in every way fresh and charming.
+Billy recognized this immediately as the wile of a malefactor trying
+to throw an officer of the law off the scent, but he was not to be
+discouraged by it, and he jumped out of the hammock and went up to
+her. She still wore the pink shirt-waist, and it was very becoming.
+She looked just as well in it as if she had paid the lawful ten per
+cent. duty on it. It is not the duty that makes that kind of a
+shirt-waist pretty; it is the way it is made, and the trimming. The
+girl that is in it helps some, too. It is a fact that a shirt-waist
+looks entirely <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>different on different girls. You have to consider
+the girl and her shirt-waist together, as a whole or unit, if you
+are going to be able to recognize it when you see it again, and
+Billy was ready to consider it that way. If he ever saw that pink
+confection with that saucy chin and merry face above it again he
+meant to be able to recognize the combination. That is one of the
+duties of a detective.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Let&#8217;s go out under the tree,&#8221; he said, &#8220;and sit down, and&mdash;and talk
+it over. I have something I want to talk about.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Talk it over,&#8221; said Kitty, lifting her eyebrows. &#8220;Talk what over?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>You couldn&#8217;t nonplus Billy that way, when he was in pursuit of his
+duty.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; he said, &#8220;we&mdash;that is, I didn&#8217;t thank you for bringing me up
+that collar this morning. I want to thank you for it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes?&#8221; said Kitty. &#8220;Well, here I am. Thank me. You did thank me
+once, but I don&#8217;t care. Do it again.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Thank you,&#8221; said Billy.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You&#8217;re welcome,&#8221; Kitty said, and then they both laughed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What do you think of this Domestic Tariff business?&#8221; asked Billy,
+seeking to lead her into some admission of which he could make use
+as proof of her smuggling.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>&#8220;I think it is a simply splendid idea!&#8221; Kitty declared. &#8220;I am sure
+no one but Tom could have thought of it, and the very minute I heard
+of it I went into it body and soul. It was so clever of him to
+conceive such an idea, and such a simple way to build up an
+education fund for dear, sweet, little Bobberts! And isn&#8217;t it nice
+of Tom and Laura to let us be in it and pay our share of the duty.
+It makes us feel so much more as if we were really part of the
+family.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Doesn&#8217;t it?&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;It makes us feel as if we had a right to
+be here&mdash;when we pay duty and all that. I feel like bringing in a
+lot of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>stuff just so that I can pay duty on it. I was thinking
+about it this morning, and about that little joke of mine about not
+bringing in that collar last night, and I felt what I had missed by
+leaving it out on the porch, so I got up and went down for it. That
+was how you happened to meet me in the hall&mdash;I wanted to get it and
+bring it in so I could pay the duty, and be in the fun myself. You
+don&#8217;t think I was going to smuggle it in, do you?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, no!&#8221; said Kitty, with a long-drawn o. &#8220;Nobody would be so mean
+as to smuggle anything into the house, when the duty all goes to
+dear little Bobberts. It is such fun to pay duty, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>just as if the
+house was a real nation. It is like being part of the nation, and
+you know we women are not that. We can&#8217;t vote, nor anything, and a
+chance like this is so rare that we enjoy it immensely. You didn&#8217;t
+think it was queer that I should go down so early in the morning to
+get your collar and bring it in, did you?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, of course,&#8221; said Billy, doubtfully, &#8220;it wasn&#8217;t your collar,
+you know. It was my collar.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I know it was,&#8221; Kitty admitted frankly, &#8220;but you know how little we
+women can bring into the house. Hardly anything. We shop and shop,
+but we hardly ever really buy <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>anything, and all the time I am just
+crazy to be paying duty, and to know whether it is ten per cent. or
+thirty per cent., and all that, as if I was a man, and so, when I
+happened to think of that collar that you had left down here on the
+porch railing, I saw it was my chance, and I decided to come down
+and get it and bring it into the house, so I could have the fun of
+paying the duty on it. So I came down and got it. And just as I
+reached the landing on my way up I met you, and I was so surprised
+that I just handed the collar to you.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Of course,&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;That was just the way it was, except that
+<i>I</i> had just reached the landing on <i>my</i> way up, when you handed me
+the collar. <i>You</i> couldn&#8217;t <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>have just reached the landing, because if
+you had we would have been going up the stairs together, side by
+side, and we were not doing that. <i>I</i> was going up the stairs, and
+just as I reached the landing you came from somewhere and handed me
+the collar.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Isn&#8217;t that what I said?&#8221; asked Kitty sweetly. &#8220;It amounts to the
+same thing, anyway, doesn&#8217;t it? I had the collar, and you got it. I
+suppose you paid the duty on it?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Me?&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;Not much! I didn&#8217;t bring it into the house; you
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>brought it in. You have to pay the duty.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I pay the duty on your collar?&#8221; laughed Kitty. &#8220;Well, I should
+think I would not! I went down and got it for you, and that was
+nothing but an act of kindness that anybody would do for anybody
+else. You can pay your own duties.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, I sha&#8217;n&#8217;t pay a duty on it!&#8221; scoffed Billy. &#8220;I didn&#8217;t want the
+collar. I didn&#8217;t need it, and I refused to bring it into the house
+on principle. I don&#8217;t believe in tariff duties. I&#8217;m a free trader. I
+wouldn&#8217;t smuggle, and I wouldn&#8217;t pay duty, and so I left it outside.
+You should have left it <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>there. You didn&#8217;t leave it there, and so it
+is your duty to pay the duty.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Never!&#8221; declared Kitty.</p>
+
+<p>For a few minutes they were silent, and Billy looked glumly at the
+street. Then he cheered up suddenly. He looked at Kitty and smiled.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;ll tell you what let&#8217;s do!&#8221; he exclaimed. &#8220;Let&#8217;s go out under the
+tree and talk it over. We&#8217;ll go out under the tree and talk it all
+over. That is the only way we can settle it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It is settled now,&#8221; said Kitty. &#8220;I don&#8217;t think it needs any more
+settling.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Billy beamed upon her cheerfully.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>&#8220;Well,&#8221; he said, &#8220;let&#8217;s go out under the tree and&mdash;and unsettle it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>For a moment Kitty seemed to hesitate, but that was only for Billy&#8217;s
+good, lest he think she yielded to his whims too readily. Then she
+went, and draped herself gracefully upon the sweet, dry grass, and
+Billy sat himself cross-legged near her.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, what do you think of this Domestic Tariff business, anyway?&#8221;
+he asked.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think it is the silliest thing I ever heard of,&#8221; said Kitty
+frankly. &#8220;I never heard of a man with real sense conceiving such a
+thing. As if such a lot of nonsense is needed to save a few <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>dollars
+for an education that isn&#8217;t to come about for sixteen years or so!
+And the idea of making his guests pay the duty too! It is the most
+unhospitable thing I ever heard of!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Isn&#8217;t it?&#8221; agreed Billy, promptly. &#8220;It makes us feel as if we had
+no right to be here. A man can&#8217;t afford to bring even the things he
+needs, when he has to pay that exorbitant duty on everything. And it
+is so much worse on you. Now I can get along with very little. A man
+can, you know. But how is a girl going to do without all the things
+she is accustomed to? I believe,&#8221; he said, confidentially lowering
+his voice and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>glancing at the house, &#8220;I believe, if I were a girl,
+I would be tempted to smuggle in the things I really needed.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Would you?&#8221; asked Kitty, sweetly. &#8220;But then you men have different
+ideas of such things, don&#8217;t you? You don&#8217;t think a girl would do
+such a thing, do you? Would you advise it? I don&#8217;t know whether&mdash;how
+would you go about smuggling, if you wanted to? But I don&#8217;t believe
+it would be honest, would it?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She turned up to him two such innocent eyes that Billy almost
+blushed. There is no satisfaction in knowing a person is guilty, the
+satisfaction is in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>making the person look guilty, and Kitty looked
+like an innocent child questioning the face of a tempter and seeing
+guilt there. He longed to ask her outright how she happened to have
+a pink shirt-waist, but he did not dare to, lest he put her at once
+on her guard. He felt a great desire to take her by the shoulders
+and shake her out of her calm superiority. It was very trying to
+him. No girl had a right to act as if she thought herself the
+superior of any man. Just to show her how inferior she was he
+dropped the subject of the tariff entirely and began a conversation
+on Ibsen. He did not know much about Ibsen but he <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>knew a little and
+he could lead her beyond her depths and make her feel her
+inferiority that way. Kitty listened to him with an amused smile,
+and then told him a few things about Ibsen, quoted a few
+enlightening pages from Hauptmann, routed him, slaughtered him
+gently as he fled from position to position, and ended by asking him
+if he had ever read anything of Ibsen&#8217;s. It was very trying to
+Billy. This girl evidently had no respect for the superior brain of
+man whatever.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think the lawn needs sprinkling,&#8221; he said, coldly.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>&#8220;Do you know how it should be done?&#8221; she asked, and that was the
+final insult. Nice girls never asked such questions in such a way.
+Nice girls looked up with wonder in their eyes and said, &#8220;Oh! You
+men know how to do everything!&#8221; That settled Billy&#8217;s opinion of
+Kitty! She was evidently one of these over-educated, forward,
+scheming, coquetting girls. She had not even said, &#8220;Oh! don&#8217;t
+sprinkle the lawn now; stay here and talk with me.&#8221; He squared his
+shoulders and marched over to the sprinkling apparatus, while she
+sat with her back against the tree and watched him. He turned on the
+water and adjusted the nozzle to a good strong <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>flow. He wet the
+lawn at the rear of the house first, and was pulling the hose after
+him into the front lawn when Mrs. Fenelby suddenly appeared on the
+porch. She had a box of cigars in her hand, and when he saw them
+Billy jumped guiltily.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Billy!&#8221; she exclaimed, &#8220;Are these your cigars?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Why, say!&#8221; he said, after one glance at her face on which suspicion
+was but too plainly imprinted. &#8220;Those are cigars, aren&#8217;t they?
+That&#8217;s a whole box of cigars, isn&#8217;t it?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It is,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, severely, &#8220;and I found it in your room.
+I don&#8217;t <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>remember having received any duty on a box of cigars,
+Billy. I hope you were not trying to smuggle them in. I hope you
+were not trying to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, Billy.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Billy held the nozzle limply in one hand and let the stream pour
+wastefully at his feet.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That box of cigars&mdash;&#8221; he began weakly. &#8220;That box of cigars, the box
+you found in my room, well, that is a box of cigars. You see, Mrs.
+Fenelby,&#8221; he continued, cautiously, &#8220;that box of cigars was up there
+in my room, and&mdash;Now, you know I wouldn&#8217;t try to smuggle anything
+in, don&#8217;t you? Now, I&#8217;ll tell you all about it.&#8221;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> But he didn&#8217;t. He
+looked at the box thoughtfully. He saw now that he had been silly to
+buy a whole box. A man should not buy more than a handful at a time.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well?&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, impatiently.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Isn&#8217;t that the box you bought when you went over to the station
+with Tom this morning?&#8221; asked Kitty, sweetly. &#8220;You brought back a
+box when you returned you know.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Billy turned his head and glared at her. But she only smiled at him.
+He did not dare to look Mrs. Fenelby in the eye.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>&#8220;Tom smokes a great deal, doesn&#8217;t he?&#8221; Kitty continued lightly. &#8220;I
+wondered when you brought that box of cigars back with you if he
+hadn&#8217;t asked you to bring them over for him. That was what I thought
+the moment I saw you with them.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Why, yes, of course,&#8221; said Billy, with relief. &#8220;That was how it
+was. I&mdash;I didn&#8217;t like to say it, you know,&#8221; he assured Mrs. Fenelby,
+eagerly, &#8220;I&mdash;I didn&#8217;t know just how Tom would feel about it. Tom
+will pay the duty. When he comes home this evening. He couldn&#8217;t come
+home from the station&mdash;and miss his train&mdash;and all that sort of
+thing&mdash;just to pay the duty on a box of cigars, could <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>he? So I
+brought them home. It is perfectly plain and simple! You see if he
+doesn&#8217;t pay the duty as soon as he gets in the house. Tom wouldn&#8217;t
+want to smuggle them in, Mrs. Fenelby. You shouldn&#8217;t think he would
+do such a thing. I&#8217;m&mdash;I&#8217;m surprised that you should think that of
+Tom.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby looked at him doubtfully, and then glanced at Kitty&#8217;s
+innocent face. She shook her head. It did not seem just what Tom
+would have done, but she could not deny that it might be so. She
+would know all about it when he came home in the evening. She cast a
+glance at the lawn, and uttered a cry. Billy <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>was pouring oceans of
+water at full pressure upon her pansy bed, and the poor flowers were
+dashing madly about and straining at their roots. Some were already
+lying washed out by the roots. Billy looked, and swung the nozzle
+sharply around, and the scream that Kitty uttered told him that he
+had hit another mark. That pink shirt-waist looked disreputable.
+Water was dripping from all its laces, and from Kitty&#8217;s hair, and
+her cheeks glistened with pearly drops. She was drenched.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Goodness!&#8221; she exclaimed, shaking her hanging arms and her
+down-bent head, and then glancing at Billy, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>who stood idiotically
+regarding her, she laughed. He was a statue of miserable regret, and
+the limply held garden hose was pouring its stream unheeded into his
+low shoes. Wet as she was, and uncomfortable, she could not refrain
+from laughing, for Billy could not have looked more guilty if she
+had been sugar and had completely melted before his eyes. Even Mrs.
+Fenelby laughed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It doesn&#8217;t matter a bit!&#8221; said Kitty, reassuringly. &#8220;Really, I
+don&#8217;t mind it at all. It was nice and cool.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She was very pretty, from Billy&#8217;s point of view, as she stood with a
+wisp or two of wet hair coquettishly <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>straggling over her face. Mrs.
+Fenelby would have said she looked mussy, but there is something
+strangely enticing to a man in a bit of hair wandering astray over a
+pretty face. Before marriage, that is. It quite finished Billy. He
+forgave her all just on account of those few wet, wandering locks.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m so sorry!&#8221; he said, with enormous contrition. &#8220;I&#8217;m awfully
+sorry. I&#8217;m&mdash;I&#8217;m mighty sorry. Really, I&#8217;m sorry.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, it doesn&#8217;t matter a bit,&#8221; said Kitty lightly. &#8220;Not a bit! I&#8217;ll
+just run up and get on something dry&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>&#8220;You had better shut off the water,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, and went
+into the house.</p>
+
+<p>Billy laid the hose carefully at his feet.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I say,&#8221; he said, hesitatingly, to Kitty, &#8220;wear the one you had on
+last night&mdash;the white one. I&mdash;I think that one&#8217;s pretty.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, no!&#8221; said Kitty. &#8220;I can&#8217;t wear that one. That one is all mussed
+up. I can&#8217;t wear that one again. I have a lovely blue one.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No!&#8221; said Billy, whispering, and glancing suspiciously at the
+house. &#8220;Not blue! Please don&#8217;t! It&mdash;it&#8217;s dangerous.&#8221;</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></p>
+<p>&#8220;Oh, but it is a dream of a waist!&#8221; said Kitty. &#8220;You wait until you
+see it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No!&#8221; pleaded Billy again. &#8220;Not a blue one! If you wore a blue one I
+couldn&#8217;t help but notice it was blue. It isn&#8217;t safe. Don&#8217;t wear a
+blue one, or a green one, or a brown one. Just a white one. Not any
+other color; just white. You see,&#8221; he said with sudden
+confidentiality, &#8220;I&#8217;m a detective. I&#8217;m detecting for Tom. I told him
+I would, and I&#8217;ve got to keep my word. He has a notion someone is
+smuggling things into the house without paying the duty, and he got
+me to detect at you for him. We&#8217;re suspicious <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span>about your clothes.
+There&#8217;s a white waist, and this pink waist, already, and if you go
+to wearing blue ones and all sorts of colors, I can&#8217;t help but
+notice it. I don&#8217;t want to get you into trouble with Tom, you know.&#8221;
+He hesitated a moment and then said, &#8220;You helped me out about those
+cigars.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;All right!&#8221; said Kitty, cheerfully, &#8220;I&#8217;ll wear a white one, but I
+think you might be color blind if you really want to help me.&#8221;</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="VIII" id="VIII"></a>VIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THE FIELD OF DISHONOR</h3>
+
+<p>There was a train from the city at 6:02, and Tom was not likely to
+be home on one earlier. At 5:48 Kitty and Billy and Mrs. Fenelby
+were sitting on the porch, and Bobberts was lying in a tilted-back
+rocking chair, behaving himself. It was a calm and peaceful suburban
+scene&mdash;the stillness and the loneliness and the mosquitoes were all
+present. It was the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>idle time when no one cares whether time flies
+or halts. Mrs. Fenelby had the table set and the cold dinner ready;
+Kitty was primped; and Billy should have had nothing in the world to
+do, but he had been opening and closing his watch every minute for
+the last half hour. He was uneasy. At 5:48 he arose and stretched
+out his arms.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I guess,&#8221; he said as lazily as he could; &#8220;I guess I&#8217;ll walk down
+and meet Tom. I haven&#8217;t been out much to-day.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>There was one thing he had to do. He had to see Tom before Mrs.
+Fenelby could see him, and explain about <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>that box of cigars. If Tom
+was to be held responsible for the duty on it Tom should at least
+know that a box of cigars had been brought into the house. It was
+absolutely necessary for Billy to see Tom, and explain a few things.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;We have none of us been out enough to-day,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;It
+will do us all good to walk down to the station, and we will take
+Bobberts.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Billy stood still. The cheerful expression that had rested on his
+face faded. There would be a pretty lot of trouble if the whole lot
+of them went in a group, and he wondered that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>Kitty did not see
+this, and why she did not say something to dissuade Mrs. Fenelby
+from leaving the house. He simply had to get a few words with Tom in
+private before Mrs. Fenelby could ask her husband about the cigars.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193-4]</a></span></p><div class="figcenter" style="width: 403px;">
+<img src="images/i196.jpg" class="ispace" width="403" height="450" alt="&#8220;When the 6:02 pulled in&#8221;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&#8220;When the 6:02 pulled in&#8221;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>&#8220;I wouldn&#8217;t advise it,&#8221; said Billy, shaking his head. &#8220;No, indeed. I
+wouldn&#8217;t take the chance, Laura.&#8221; He walked to the end of the porch
+and peered earnestly at the western sky. It was a singularly clear
+and cloudless sky. &#8220;I&#8217;m afraid it will rain,&#8221; he explained, boldly.
+&#8220;It wouldn&#8217;t do to take Bobberts out and let him get rained on. It
+looks just like one of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>those evenings when a rain comes up all of a sudden. I wouldn&#8217;t risk
+it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Nonsense!&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, shortly, and she gathered the crowing
+Bobberts into her arms and started. Kitty also arose, but Billy hung
+back.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I guess I won&#8217;t go,&#8221; he declared. &#8220;It looks too much like rain.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Nonsense!&#8221; declared Mrs. Fenelby again. &#8220;You come right along. I
+don&#8217;t believe it will rain for a week.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>There was nothing for him to do but to go, and he went. The three of
+them were standing on the platform when the 6:02 pulled in, and they
+looked eagerly for Mr. Fenelby, but they did not see him among the
+alighting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> commuters. Mr. Fenelby saw them first. He saw them before
+the train pulled up to the station, for he had been standing on the
+car platform with a box under his arm, ready to make a dash for home
+the moment the train stopped, but now he stepped back and, as the
+train slowed down, he jumped off on the opposite side of the train.
+There was a small row of evergreens on the little lawn of the
+station, and he stepped behind one of them and waited. Between the
+thin branches of the tree he could see his family, when the train
+pulled out, looking eagerly at the straggling line of commuters. The
+box he held was <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span>heavy, and he hoped the family would soon decide
+that he had missed the train, and would go home, but he saw Mrs.
+Fenelby seat herself on the waiting-bench. He saw Kitty take a seat
+beside her, and he saw Billy, after evident hesitation, take the
+seat next to Kitty. The evergreen tree was small, and the next tree
+to it was ten feet distant. He was marooned behind that tree.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby instantly saw that he had done a foolish thing. He had
+that overwhelming sense of foolishness that comes to a man at times,
+when he thinks he has never done a sane and sound act in his whole
+silly life. Mr. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span>Fenelby realized that he had been foolish when he
+had bought, on the subscription plan, a complete set of Eugene
+Field&#8217;s works, bound in three-quarters levant morocco, twelve
+volumes for thirty-six dollars. He realized that although he had had
+to pay but five dollars down, to the agent, he would have to pay
+thirty per cent. of the value of the whole set, in duty, the moment
+he took the books into the house. He realized that he had been silly
+to bring the whole heavy set home at one time. He realized that he
+had been positively childish when he thought of hiding himself
+behind this miserable little tree, with this <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>heavy box in his arms
+and six suburban stores staring him full in the face. He wondered
+what the proprietors of the six stores would think of him if they
+happened to see him hiding there behind the tree, while his whole
+family awaited him on the station platform. And then, as he happened
+to remember that one of the stores was a drug-store with a
+soda-fountain, he shuddered. Given three suburbanites on a station
+platform, and a train not due for thirty minutes for which they must
+wait, and a soda-fountain across the way, and the answer is that the
+three suburbanites will soon be in the place where the soda-fountain
+is.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span>When Mrs. Fenelby arose Mr. Fenelby shifted the box of books into a
+more secure angle of his arm, and as the trio, and Bobberts, started
+across the track and lawn Mr. Fenelby edged cautiously around the
+tree to keep it between him and them. The trade of smuggler has ever
+been one of wild adventure and excitement.</p>
+
+<p>He peered at them until they entered the drug-store, and then he
+backed cautiously away, step by step, with the tree as a screen. As
+he reached the corner of the station he turned and ran, and as he
+turned he saw Billy hurry out of the drug-store and run, and Mrs.
+Fenelby and Kitty <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span>hurry out after Billy. Mr. Fenelby did not wait
+to see if they also ran. He ran all the way home, and hurried into
+the house, and up the stairs to the attic. He felt better about the
+set of Field now. He had always wanted it, and he deserved it, for
+he had waited for it long. He could hide it in the attic and bring
+it into the realm of the tariff duty one volume at a time. He felt
+his way into the fartherest corner and pushed the box under the
+rafters. It would not quite go back where he wanted it to go, for
+something was in the way of it. He pulled the other thing out. It
+was also a box. It was another box of Eugene Field in twelve
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span>volumes, three-quarter levant, and it was addressed to &#8220;Mrs. Thomas
+Fenelby.&#8221; There had never been any duty paid on books since the
+Commonwealth of Bobberts had been established. For a moment Mr.
+Fenelby frowned angrily; then he smiled. He hid his set of Field in
+the other corner of the attic, and hurried down stairs.</p>
+
+<p>He expected to find Billy there, for he had seen him start to run
+when he left the drug-store, but there was no Billy in sight, and
+Mr. Fenelby seated himself in the hammock and waited. He was ready
+to receive his returning family with an easy conscience. His box was
+well hidden. When they appeared in the distance he saw that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span>they
+were all together, Billy and the two girls and Bobberts, and Mr.
+Fenelby arose and waved his hand to them. He was ready to be merry
+and jovial, and to tease them cheerfully because they had not seen
+him when he got off the train. But Mrs. Fenelby climbed the porch
+steps with an air of anger.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Good evening,&#8221; she said, coldly. &#8220;I see you are home.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She laid Bobberts in the chair and faced Mr. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, I want to know what all this means!&#8221; she declared. &#8220;I think
+there is something peculiar going on in this family. Why did Billy
+run all the way down to the next station so that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>he could be the
+first to meet you as you came home this evening? Why did you avoid
+us at the station and hurry home this way? You may think I am
+simple, Thomas Fenelby, but I believe somebody is smuggling things
+into the house without paying the tariff duty on them! I believe you
+and Billy are conspiring to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, and I
+want to know the truth about it! I believe Kitty is in it too!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura!&#8221; exclaimed Kitty, with horror, recoiling from her, while the
+two men stood sheepishly. &#8220;Why, Laura Fenelby! If you say such a
+thing I shall go right up and pack my clothes and go home!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>&#8220;What clothes?&#8221; asked Mr. Fenelby, meaningly. Kitty ignored the
+insinuation.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You three should not dare to look me in the face and talk about
+smuggling,&#8221; she declared. &#8220;You dare to accuse me. I would like to
+have you explain about that box upstairs first.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby and Billy and Mrs. Fenelby paled. For one moment there
+was perfect silence while Kitty, with folded arms, looked at them
+scornfully. Then, with strange simultaneousness, all three opened
+their mouths and said:</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;ll explain about that box!&#8221;</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="IX" id="IX"></a>IX</h2>
+
+<h3>BOBBERTS INTERVENES</h3>
+
+<p>Kitty stood scornfully triumphant awaiting the next words of the
+guilty trio, and three more cowed and guilt-stricken smugglers never
+faced an equally guilty accuser with such uncomfortable feelings.
+Billy was sorry he had ever tried to fabricate the story about Mr.
+Fenelby having asked him to bring the box of cigars home; Mr.
+Fenelby wished he had left the set of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span>Eugene Field&#8217;s works at the
+office, and Mrs. Fenelby was, perhaps, the most worried of all, for
+she did not know whether to admit her guilt and own that she had
+brought a set of Eugene Field into the house without paying the
+duty, or to annihilate the accusing Kitty by declaring that Kitty
+had a whole closet full of smuggled garments. It was a trying
+situation.</p>
+
+<p>In a drama this would have been the cue for the curtain to fall with
+a rush, ending the act and leaving the audience a space to wonder
+how the complication could ever be untangled, but on the Fenelby&#8217;s
+porch there was <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span>no curtain to fall. So Bobberts fell instead.</p>
+
+<p>He raised his pink hands and his head, rolled over in the porch
+rocker in which he had been lying, and fell to the porch floor with
+a bump. A curtain could not have ended the scene more quickly. Never
+in his life had he been so cruelly treated as by this faithless
+rocking-chair. He had reposed his simple faith in it, and it threw
+him to earth, and then rocked joyously across him. His voice arose
+in short, piercing yells. He turned purple with rage and pain. He
+drew up his knees and simply, soulfully screamed. Up and down the
+street <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>neighbors came out upon their verandas, napkins in hand, and
+stared wonderingly at the Fenelby porch. Kitty and Billy stood like
+a wooden Mr. and Mrs. Noah in the toy ark, but Mr. Fenelby and Laura
+sprang to Bobberts&#8217; aid and gathered him into their arms, ordering
+each other to do things, and soothing Bobberts at the same time.</p>
+
+<p>The Fenelby Domestic Tariff was entirely forgotten.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well!&#8221; exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, when Bobberts had tapered off from
+the yells of rage to the steady weeping of injured feelings. &#8220;What
+are you standing there like two sticks for? <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>Can&#8217;t you see poor,
+dear little Bobberts is nearly killed? Why don&#8217;t you do something?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>There was really nothing they could do. Mr. and Mrs. Fenelby made
+such a compact crowd around Bobberts that no one else could squeeze
+in, but Kitty dropped on her knees and edged up to the crowd,
+murmuring, &#8220;Poor Bobberts! Poor Bobberts!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Billy stood awkwardly, feeling in his pockets. He had an idea that
+if he could find something to jingle before Bobberts it might be
+about the right thing to do, but his hand touched one of the
+smuggled cigars, and he <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>withdrew it as if his fingers had been
+burnt. This poor, weeping child was the Bobberts he had been
+cheating of a few pennies. He touched Kitty diffidently on the
+shoulder.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Can&#8217;t I do something?&#8221; he asked, pleadingly, and Kitty took pity on
+him.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Heat some water; very hot!&#8221; she said. She was not a baby expert,
+but she felt that hot water would not be a bad thing to have handy
+in a case like this. There is one good thing about hot water&mdash;if it
+is not wanted it does no harm, for if allowed to stand it will get
+cool again&mdash;and it pleased her to be able to order Billy to do
+something. The prompt and eager manner in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span>which he obeyed the order
+pleased her still more. He ran all the way to the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>Half an hour later he cautiously carried a dish-pan full of water to
+the porch and stared in amazement at the place where he had left
+Bobberts and his parents. They were gone! He felt that he had not
+been quite as quick with the water as he might have been, for the
+only burner that had been lighted on the gas range was the
+&#8220;simmerer,&#8221; and that had only a flame as large around as a dollar,
+and not strong, but he had not dared to light another. He had a dim
+remembrance that stoves of some kind sometimes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> exploded, and he did
+not want to risk an explosion by tampering with an unknown stove. He
+felt that a stove and Bobberts both exploding at the same time would
+have been more than the Fenelbys could have borne. As he stood
+holding the pan of hot water well away from him the sound of the
+click of knives and forks on china came to him through the open
+window. Only a little of the hot water spilled over the edge of the
+pan upon his legs as he opened the screen door and entered the hall.</p>
+
+<p>He walked carefully, bent over and holding the pan at arm&#8217;s length,
+and as he entered the dining room the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>three diners looked up at him
+in open mouthed surprise. They had forgotten all about Billy.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Here it is,&#8221; said Billy, with modest pride and an air of
+accomplishment. &#8220;It is good and hot. I let it get as hot as it
+could.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>The blank amazement that had dulled the face of Kitty gave way to a
+look of understanding and a smile as she remembered having ordered
+him to get hot water, but the amazement on the faces of Mr. Fenelby
+and his wife remained as blank as ever.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It is hot water,&#8221; said Billy, explaining. &#8220;I heated it. What shall
+I do with it?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>The sodden surprise on Mr. Fenelby&#8217;s face melted away. A dish-pan
+full of hot water served during the course of a cold dinner had
+amusing elements, and Mr. Fenelby smiled. So did Mrs. Fenelby.
+Everybody smiled but Billy. He was serious.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; he said, with a touch of impatience, &#8220;these handles are hot.
+I can&#8217;t stand here holding them all night. What do you want me to do
+with this hot water?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What do you want to do with it?&#8221; asked Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;What do you
+usually do with a panful of hot water when you have one? You might
+take a bath, if you want to. You will find <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>the bath-room at the top
+of the stairs, first turn to the left. Run along, and don&#8217;t stay in
+the water too long.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby and Kitty laughed, and Mr. Fenelby smiled broadly at
+his own humor. Billy blushed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I heated it for Bobberts,&#8221; he said, stiffly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Thank you!&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;But we won&#8217;t boil Bobberts this
+evening, Billy. Not just now, anyhow. We like to oblige, but we
+can&#8217;t be expected to boil our only son just because you turn up in
+the middle of a meal with a pan of hot water. If we ever boil him it
+will not be in the middle of a meal. Please don&#8217;t insist.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>Billy reddened to the roots of his hair. Mrs. Fenelby was laughing
+openly and Tom was pleased with the excellence of his joke. Billy
+raised his head angrily and strode out of the room, and Kitty, from
+whose face the smile had fled, started up with blazing eyes.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think you are horrid!&#8221; she cried, turning to Bobberts&#8217; laughing
+parents. &#8220;I think you ought to thank him instead of making fun of
+him. I told him to heat the water, because Bobberts was hurt, and I
+thought you might want it, and because he was trying to be helpful
+and&mdash;and nice, you sit there and laugh at him. If you <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>want to make
+fun of anyone, make fun of me! I suppose you will!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Why, Kitty!&#8221; cried Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes!&#8221; cried Kitty. &#8220;I suppose you will. That seems to be what you
+want to do&mdash;make your guests as uncomfortable as you can. You don&#8217;t
+want us here. You make up this foolish tariff to make trouble, and
+you drive away your servants so that we feel that we are imposing on
+you, and you make fun of us when we try to be helpful&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Why, Kitty!&#8221; exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby again.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You do!&#8221; Kitty declared. &#8220;I&#8217;m surprised at you, Laura Fenelby, I
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>am indeed. I&#8217;m surprised that you should let your husband dictate
+to you, and make you his slave with his tariffs and such things, but
+you like it. Very well, be his slave if you want to. But I can see
+one thing&mdash;Billy and I are not wanted in this house. You and your
+husband just want to be alone and enjoy your selfish house. The best
+thing Billy and I can do is to go. I can see very plainly now,
+Laura, that you got up that silly tariff just to drive us out of the
+house. Very well, we will go!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She turned from the amazed parents of Bobberts to the amazed Billy
+who was standing in the hall with the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>inoffensive pan of hot water
+in his hands, and put her hand on his arm.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Come!&#8221; she said. &#8220;I am going up to pack my trunks.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>For a moment after the shock the Fenelbys sat in surprised silence,
+looking blankly each into the other&#8217;s face, and then Laura spoke.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; she gasped, &#8220;they mustn&#8217;t leave this way!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby slowly folded his napkin, and as slowly placed it in the
+ring. Then he laid the ring gently on the table and arranged his
+knife and fork side by side on his plate, as prescribed by the guide
+books to good manners.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span>&#8220;She said she was going up stairs to pack her trunks,&#8221; he said with
+deliberation. &#8220;To pack her trunks. If she has enough to pack into
+trunks, Laura, there has been smuggling going on in this house.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby folded her napkin as slowly as her husband had just
+folded his, and she kept her eyes on it as she answered.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; she said, &#8220;do you think it is quite the time now to talk of
+smuggling? Wouldn&#8217;t it be better if you went up and apologized to
+Kitty and Billy?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;it is always time to talk of smuggling.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>The foundation of the home is order; order can only be maintained
+by living up to such rules as are made; the Fenelby Domestic Tariff
+is more than a rule, it is a law. If we let the laws of our home be
+trampled under foot by whoever chooses the whole thing totters,
+sways and falls. The home is wrecked and sorrow and dissention come.
+Dissention leads to misunderstanding and divorce. That is why I am
+strict. That is why I refuse to let two strangers wreck our whole
+lives by ignoring the Domestic Tariff. If they do not like the laws
+of our little Commonwealth, they can go. The door is open!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span>&#8220;Thomas Fenelby,&#8221; said his wife, &#8220;I think you are horrid! I never
+knew anything so unhospitable in my life. It isn&#8217;t as if no one in
+this house ever broke that tariff law except Kitty and Billy; you
+haven&#8217;t explained about that box&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby reddened and he looked at his wife sternly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Do you mean the box I found hidden under the eaves in the attic,
+addressed to you, my dear?&#8221; he asked with cutting sweetness, and
+Mrs. Fenelby, in turn, grew red and gasped.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You are mean!&#8221; she exclaimed. &#8220;I think you are not&mdash;not nice to go
+poking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> around under eaves and things, trying to find some blame to
+throw up to your wife! I wish you had never thought of your horrid
+tariff, and&mdash;and&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>She put her handkerchief to her eyes, and a minute later went out of
+the room and up the stairs. Mr. Fenelby heard her cross the floor
+above him, and heard the creaking of the bed as she threw herself
+upon it. He looked sternly out of the dining room window awhile.
+Never, never had his wife spoken such words to him before. If she
+wished to act so it was very well&mdash;she should be taught a lesson.
+She was vexed because she had been <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>caught in a palpable case of
+smuggling herself. Now he&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>He arose and took Bobberts&#8217; bank from the mantel; from his pocket he
+drew a small collection of loose change and one or two small bills,
+and saving out one dime he fed the rest into Bobberts&#8217; bank. For a
+few more minutes he looked gloomily from the window, and then he
+went gloomily forth and dropped into the hammock.</p>
+
+<p>With cautious steps Billy Fenelby stole down the stairs and bending
+over the rail looked into the dining room. It was empty, and he
+tip-toed down the rest of the way and, glancing from side to side
+like one fearing discovery, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>dropped a handful of loose coins into
+Bobberts&#8217; bank. As he ascended the stairs his face wore the look of
+a man who is square with the world.</p>
+
+<p>As she heard the door close upon him when he entered his room Mrs.
+Fenelby rose from her bed and wiped her eyes. She took her purse
+from the dresser and opened it, then paused for she heard a door
+opening slowly. She heard light steps cross the hall and descend the
+stairs, but she could not see Kitty. She could only hear the faint
+click of coin dropping upon coin in the dining room below her. She
+knew that Kitty was feeding Bobberts&#8217; education fund, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>and she
+waited until she heard Kitty&#8217;s door close again, and then she went
+down and poured into the opening of the bank the remains of her
+week&#8217;s household allowance, and began the task of clearing the
+table. As she worked the tears splattered down upon the plates as
+she bent over them. How could Tom be so cruel and unfeeling?
+Doubtless he was enjoying the thought of having hurt her feelings,
+if he had not already forgotten all about her, taking his ease in
+the hammock.</p>
+
+<p>She glanced out of the window at him. There he lay, but as she
+looked he raised his hands and struck himself <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>twice on the head
+with his clenched fists and groaned like a man in misery. For a
+moment he lay still and then once more he struck himself on the
+head, and drawing up his legs kicked them out angrily, like a
+naughty child in a tantrum. He was <i>not</i> having the most blissful
+moments of his life. Once more he drew up his legs and kicked, and
+the hammock turned over and dumped him on the floor of the porch.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Ouch!&#8221; he exclaimed quite normally, and looking up he saw his wife,
+and smiled. She not only smiled, but laughed, somewhat hysterically
+but forgivingly.</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="X" id="X"></a>X</h2>
+
+<h3>TARIFF REFORM</h3>
+
+<p>If a man really likes to wipe dishes, while his wife washes them,
+there is no better time for friendly confidences, and for the
+arrangement of difficulties. Diplomatists win their greatest battles
+for peace at the dinner-table, because the dinner-table gives
+abundant opportunity for the &#8220;interruption politic.&#8221; When the
+argument reaches the fatal climax, and the final ultimatum is
+delivered, a boiled potato may still avert war:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> &#8220;Now, me lud, I ask
+you finally, will your government, or won&#8217;t it? That is the
+question,&#8221; and from the opposing diplomat come the words, &#8220;Beg
+pardon, your ludship, but will you kindly pass me the salt? Thanks!
+Don&#8217;t you think the butter is a little strong?&#8221; and war is averted.
+Postponed, at least.</p>
+
+<p>Just so over the dish-wiping; the hard and fast logic of who&#8217;s right
+and who&#8217;s wrong is interrupted and turned aside by timely
+ejaculations of: &#8220;Oh, I did wipe that cup!&#8221; or interpolated
+questions, as: &#8220;Have you washed this plate yet, my dear?&#8221; A wise man
+who finds himself cornered can always <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>drop one of the blown-glass
+tumblers on the floor&mdash;they only cost five cents&mdash;or ask,
+innocently: &#8220;Did I crack this plate, or was it already cracked?&#8221; By
+a judicious use of these little wreckers of consecutive speech Mr.
+and Mrs. Fenelby, over the dishes, reached a perfect understanding
+and forgot their quarrel. Mr. Fenelby said she was perfectly right
+in hiding the set of Eugene Field in the attic, since it was
+intended as a surprise for him on the anniversary of their wedding,
+and the payment of the tariff duty on it would have divulged the
+secret; and Mrs. Fenelby agreed that he was doing exactly the right
+thing when he <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>did the same, and for the same reason; but they both
+agreed that Kitty and Billy had acted rather shamelessly in the
+matter of smuggling.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I know Billy,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;and I know him well. I won&#8217;t say
+anything about Kitty, for she is your guest, but Billy would smuggle
+anything he could lay his hands on. He is a lawyer, and a young one,
+and all you have to do is to show a young lawyer a law, and he
+immediately begins to look for ways to get around it. I don&#8217;t say
+this to excuse him. I just say it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, you know how women are,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;As sure as you
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span>get two or three women who have been abroad into a group they will
+begin telling how and what they were able to smuggle in when they
+came through the custom house. Some of them enjoy the smuggling part
+better than all the rest of their trips abroad, so what could you
+expect of Kitty when she had a perpetual custom house to smuggle
+things through? She looks on it as a sort of game, and the one that
+smuggles the most is the winner. I don&#8217;t say this to excuse her. But
+it is so.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I am not the least sorry that Billy is offended, if he is,&#8221; said
+Mr. Fenelby, between plates; &#8220;but if you wish <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>I will apologize to
+Kitty, although I don&#8217;t see why I should. The thing I am worrying
+about is Bobberts. I like this tariff plan, and I think it is a good
+way to raise money&mdash;if anyone ever pays the tariff duties&mdash;but I
+don&#8217;t feel as if I was treating Bobberts right. Every time I put
+money in his bank in payment of the tariff duty on a thing I have
+brought into the house I feel that I am doing Bobberts a wrong. And
+the more I put in the more guilty I feel.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Of course it is all for his education fund,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I know it,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;and that is what makes me feel so
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>small and miserable when I pay my ten or thirty per cent. duty.
+Bobberts is my only son, and the dearest and sweetest baby that ever
+lived, and I ought to be glad to give money for his education fund
+voluntarily and freely; and yet we treat him as if we hated him and
+had to be forced to give him a few cents a day. We act as if he was
+nothing but a government treasury deficit, and instead of giving
+joyously and gladly because we love him, we act as if we had to have
+laws made to force us to give. I feel it more every time I have to
+pay tariff duty into his bank. I tell you, Laura, it isn&#8217;t treating
+Bobberts in the right <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>spirit. If he could understand he would be
+hurt and offended to think his parents were the kind that had to be
+compelled to give him an education, as if he were a reformatory
+child or a Home for something or other. Any tax is always unpopular,
+and that means it is annoying and vexatious; and what I am afraid of
+is that we will get to dislike Bobberts because we feel we are
+injuring him. I don&#8217;t mind the tariff, myself, but I do want to be
+fair and square with Bobberts. He&#8217;s the only child we have, Laura.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, Tom!&#8221; exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, taking her hands out of the dish
+water; &#8220;do you think we have gone <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>too far to make it all right
+again? Do you think we have hurt our love for him, or weakened it,
+or&mdash;or anything? If I thought so I should never, never forgive
+myself!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I hope we haven&#8217;t,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, seriously; &#8220;but we must not
+take any more chances. If this thing goes on we will become quite
+hardened toward Bobberts, and cease to love him altogether.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;We will stop this tariff right this very minute!&#8221; cried Mrs.
+Fenelby joyously. &#8220;I am so glad, Tom. I just hated the old thing!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby shook his head slowly and Mrs. Fenelby&#8217;s face lost its
+radiance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> and became questioningly fear-struck.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;What is it?&#8221; she asked, anxiously. &#8220;Can&#8217;t we stop? Must we keep on
+with it forever and forever?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You forget the Congress of the Commonwealth of Bobberts,&#8221; said Mr.
+Fenelby. &#8220;The tariff law was passed by the congress, and it can only
+be repealed by the congress, with Bobberts present.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby wiped her hands hurriedly and rapidly untied her apron.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I hate to waken Bobberts,&#8221; she said, &#8220;but I will! I&#8217;d do anything
+to have that tariff unpassed again.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby put his hand on her <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>arm, restraining her as she was
+about to rush from the kitchen.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Wait, Laura!&#8221; he said. &#8220;You forget that you and I are not the only
+States now. Kitty and Billy are States, too. You and I would not
+form a quorum. We must have Kitty and Billy.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; she said, &#8220;I will get Kitty and Billy if I have to drag them
+in by main force!&#8221; and she went to find them. Ten minutes later she
+returned but without them. Mr. Fenelby had finished the dishes, and
+was hanging the dish-pan on its nail.</p>
+
+<p>The two needed States were nowhere to be found, neither in the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span>house, nor on the porch, nor were they on the grounds. There was
+nothing to do but to await their return. It was quite late when
+Kitty and Billy returned, and the Fenelbys had grown tired of
+sitting on the porch and had gone inside, but Kitty and Billy did
+not seem to mind the dampness or the chill for the moon was
+beautiful, and they seated themselves in the hammock. Bobberts had
+been put to bed, and his parents had become almost merry with their
+old-time merriment as they contemplated the speedy over-throw of the
+Fenelby Domestic Tariff. The joy that comes from a tax repealed is
+greater than the peace that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span>comes from paying a tax honestly. There
+is no fun in paying taxes. Not the least.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think, Laura,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, when he and his wife had
+listened to the slow creaking of the hammock hooks for some minutes,
+&#8220;you had better go out and tell them to come in.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby went. She let the porch screen slam as she went
+out&mdash;which was only fair&mdash;and she heard the low whispers change to
+louder tones, and a slight movement of feet; but she was not,
+evidently, intruding, for Kitty and Billy were quite primly disposed
+in the hammock when she reached them.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span>&#8220;Hello!&#8221; she said pleasantly, &#8220;Won&#8217;t you come in? We are going to
+vote on the tariff.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Go ahead and vote,&#8221; said Billy cheerfully. &#8220;We won&#8217;t interfere.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But we can&#8217;t vote until you come in,&#8221; explained Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;We
+haven&#8217;t a quorum until you come in. You are States, and we can&#8217;t do
+anything until you come in.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Did you try?&#8221; asked Billy, just as cheerfully as before. &#8220;We don&#8217;t
+want to vote. We are comfortable out here. If we must vote, bring
+your congress out here.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Billy, I would if I could,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby,&#8220;but I can&#8217;t!
+Bobberts <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> has to be present, and he can&#8217;t be brought out into the
+night air.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Kitty half rose from the hammock. She felt to see that her hair was
+in order.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Come on, Billy,&#8221; she said. &#8220;Be accommodating,&#8221; and they went in.</p>
+
+<p>It was necessary to bring Bobberts down from the nursery, and Mrs.
+Fenelby brought him in, limp and sleeping, and sat with him in her
+arms. Mr. Fenelby explained why the meeting was called.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It is because Laura and I are tired of this tariff nonsense,&#8221; he
+explained. &#8220;You and Kitty have seen how it works&mdash;everybody in the
+house mad at one another&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span>&#8220;Not Billy and I,&#8221; interposed Kitty. &#8220;Are we Billy?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Let us, for the sake of argument, suppose we are,&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;We
+must give Tom a fair chance. It is his tariff, not ours.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Very well,&#8221; said Kitty; &#8220;we are all angry! Let us quarrel!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Seriously, now,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, very seriously indeed, &#8220;this has
+got to stop! You and Kitty may think it is all a joke, but Laura and
+I went into this thing before you came, and we meant it seriously.
+We went into it in parliamentary form, and in good faith. Now we see
+it was all a mistake and we want to do away with <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>it. If you will
+just take it seriously for five minutes&mdash;if you can be sensible that
+long&mdash;we will not trouble you with it any more. Laura, awaken
+Bobberts!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby awakened the Territory by gently kissing him on his
+eyes, and he opened them and blinked sleepily at the ceiling.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Congress is in session,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;And Laura moves that
+the Fenelby Domestic Tariff be repealed and annulled. I second it.
+All in favor of the motion say&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Stop!&#8221; exclaimed Billy, rising from his chair. &#8220;I object to this!
+Kitty and I did not come in here to have <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span>such an important motion
+rushed through without consideration. It is not parliamentary. I
+want to make a speech.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, don&#8217;t!&#8221; pleaded Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;Think how late it is, Billy.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Mr. President and Ladies of Congress,&#8221; said Billy unrelentingly;
+&#8220;we are asked to repeal our tariff laws, our beneficent laws,
+enacted to send Bobberts to college. We stand in the presence of two
+cruel parents who would take away from their only Territory its sole
+chance&mdash;as we were informed&mdash;of securing an education. We are asked
+to do this merely because there has been some slight difficulty in
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span>collecting the tariff tax. I am ashamed to be a State in a
+commonwealth that can put forward such an excuse. I care not what
+others may do, but as for me I shall never cast my vote to rob that
+poor innocent,&#8221; he pointed feelingly toward Bobberts, &#8220;to rob him of
+his future happiness! Never. You won&#8217;t either, will you, Kitty?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I should think not!&#8221; exclaimed Kitty. &#8220;Poor little Bobberts!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby moved the papers on his desk nervously. He was tempted
+to say something about smuggling, but he controlled himself, for it
+would not do to antagonize one-half of congress. He felt that Kitty
+and Billy <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span>had been planning some great feats of smuggling, and that
+they had no desire to have their fun spoiled by the repeal of the
+tariff. Probably no smugglers are free traders at heart&mdash;free trade
+would ruin their business.</p>
+
+<p>He put the motion, and the vote was what he had expected&mdash;two for
+and two against the motion. It was not carried. For a few minutes
+all sat in silence, the air tingling with suppressed irritability. A
+word would have condensed it into cruel speech. It was Billy who
+broke the spell.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m going out to smoke another duty-paid cigar before I turn in,&#8221;
+he <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span>said. &#8220;Do you want to have a turn on the porch, Kitty?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think not. I&#8217;m tired. I&#8217;ll go up, I think,&#8221; said Kitty, and they
+left the room together.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby gathered his papers and his book together and pushed
+them wearily into the desk. Then he dropped into a chair and looked
+sadly at the floor.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; said Laura, &#8220;can&#8217;t we stop the tariff anyway?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Oh, no!&#8221; said her husband disconsolately. &#8220;We can&#8217;t do anything.
+We&#8217;ve got to go ahead with the foolishness until Kitty and Billy go.
+They would laugh at us and crow over us <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span>all their lives if we
+didn&#8217;t. Especially after the fool I have made of myself with this
+voting nonsense,&#8221; he added bitterly.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby sighed.</p>
+
+<hr class="large" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="XI" id="XI"></a>XI</h2>
+
+<h3>THE COUP D&#8217;&Eacute;TAT</h3>
+
+<p>The next morning dawned gloomily. The sky was a dull gray, and a
+sickening drizzle was falling, mixed with a thick fog that made
+everything and everybody soggy and damp. It was a most dismal and
+disheartening Sunday, without a ray of cheerfulness in it, and Mr.
+and Mrs. Fenelby felt the burden of the day keenly. The house had
+the usual Sunday morning air of untidiness. It was a bad day on
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span>which to take up the load of the tariff and carry it through twelve
+hours of servantless housekeeping.</p>
+
+<p>Breakfast was a sad affair. Kitty and Billy, who seemed in high
+spirits, tried to give the meal an air of gaiety, but Mr. Fenelby
+was glum and his wife naturally reflected some of his feeling, and
+after a few attempts to liven things Kitty and Billy turned their
+attention to each other and left the Fenelbys alone with their
+gloom. As soon as breakfast was over, Kitty, after a weak suggestion
+that she should help Laura with the dishes, carried Billy away,
+saying that no matter what happened she was going <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span>to church. The
+Fenelbys were glad to have them go, and Mr. Fenelby helped Laura
+carry out the breakfast things.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;I lay awake a long time last night
+thinking about the tariff, and something has got to be done about
+it! I cannot, as the father of Bobberts, let it go on as it is
+going.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I lay awake too,&#8221; said Laura, &#8220;and I think exactly as you do, Tom.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I knew you would,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;The way Kitty and Billy are
+acting is not to be borne. They acted last night as if you and I
+were not capable of raising our own child! I <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span>really cannot put
+another cent in that bank under the tariff law, Laura. Just think
+how it looks&mdash;<i>we</i> are not to be trusted to provide Bobberts with an
+education; <i>we</i> are not fit to decide how to raise the money for
+him. No, Kitty and Billy are to be his guardians. They don&#8217;t trust
+us; they insist that we shall keep ourselves bound by the tariff
+system. They think we don&#8217;t love dear little Bobberts, and they
+think they can make us provide for him, just because they have the
+balance of power!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Yes,&#8221; said Laura sympathetically. &#8220;I thought of all that, Tom, and
+I don&#8217;t think it does them much credit. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span>It is easy enough for them
+to say there must be a tariff, when they bring hardly anything into
+the house that they have to pay duty on, but <i>we</i> have to keep the
+house going. <i>We</i> have to have vegetables and meat and all sorts of
+things, and they are making <i>us</i> pay duty, while all they have to do
+is to eat and have a good time. Bobberts is our child, Tom, and it
+ought to be for us to say what we will save for him, and how we will
+save it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That is just what I think,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby feelingly, &#8220;and I am
+not going to stand it any longer. I am going to have another meeting
+of congress this afternoon&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span>&#8220;They will vote just the same way,&#8221; said Laura, hopelessly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Probably,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;But if they do we will end the whole
+thing.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;We can&#8217;t send them away,&#8221; said Laura. &#8220;We couldn&#8217;t be so rude as
+that.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, &#8220;but we will secede. You and I and Bobberts
+will secede from the Union. I never believed in secession, Laura,
+but I see now that there are times when conditions become so
+intolerable that there is nothing else to do. We will give them a
+chance to vote the tariff out of existence, and if they don&#8217;t <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span>we
+will just secede from the Commonwealth of Bobberts. We will have a
+free trade commonwealth of our own, and Kitty and Billy can do as
+they please.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;that is just what we will do!&#8221; And so it
+was settled.</p>
+
+<p>By the time Kitty and Billy returned loiteringly from church Mr.
+Fenelby had progressed pretty well through four of the sixteen
+sections of the Sunday paper, and Mrs. Fenelby had Bobberts washed
+and dressed and was in the kitchen preparing dinner, which on Sunday
+was supposed to be at noon, but which, this Sunday, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span>threatened to
+be about two o&#8217;clock. Kitty threw off her hat and dropped her
+umbrella in the hall and rushed for the kitchen. Billy merely
+glanced into the parlor, and seeing Tom holding the grim funny page
+uncompromisingly before his face, strolled out to the hammock.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura,&#8221; cried Kitty, &#8220;you <i>must</i> let me help you! And what do you
+think? We met Doctor Stafford, and he <i>did</i> prescribe whisky and
+rock candy for Bridget&#8217;s cold! So I fixed everything all right. I
+rushed Billy around to Bridget&#8217;s sister&#8217;s and Bridget is just
+getting over her cold, so she was glad to come back to you. She
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span>says she never, never drinks except under her doctor&#8217;s orders, and
+she said that if you hadn&#8217;t been so hasty&mdash;&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby dropped the potato she was slicing. Her pretty mouth
+hardened.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Kitty!&#8221; she exclaimed. &#8220;Now I shall <i>never</i> forgive you! I will
+<i>never</i> have Bridget in this kitchen again! It wasn&#8217;t only that she
+drank, it was her awful, awful deceitfulness. It was that, Kitty,
+more than anything else. I <i>won&#8217;t</i> have people about me who will not
+live up to the tariff poor dear Tom worked and worried to make!
+<i>You</i> may smuggle, Kitty, if you must be so low, and I certainly
+have no control <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span>over Billy, but my servants must not break the
+rules of this house. If that Bridget dares to put her head inside of
+this door I will send her about her business.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Laura,&#8221; said Kitty, &#8220;I wish you would be reasonable&mdash;like Billy and
+me. We talked it all over on the way to church, and we saw that it
+was Tom&#8217;s crazy old tariff that was making all the trouble and
+driving Bridget away and everything, and we decided we would stop
+the tariff right away.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Laura&#8217;s chin went into the air and her eyes flashed.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;<i>You</i> will stop the tariff!&#8221; she <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span>cried, turning red. &#8220;What right
+have <i>you</i> to stop anything in this house, Kitty? And it isn&#8217;t a
+crazy tariff. It was a splendid idea, and no one but Tom would ever
+have thought of it, and it worked all right until you and Billy
+began spoiling it!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;But I thought you wanted it stopped,&#8221; said Kitty.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I don&#8217;t!&#8221; exclaimed Laura, bursting into tears. &#8220;It is a nice,
+lovely tariff, and if I ever said I didn&#8217;t want it, it was because
+you aggravated me. I won&#8217;t have it stopped. I won&#8217;t be so mean to
+anything dear old Tom starts. It&#8217;s Bobberts&#8217; tariff. You ought to
+think more of Bobberts than to <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span>suggest such a thing, if you don&#8217;t
+love me.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Kitty stood back and looked at Laura as at some one possessed of
+evil spirits. Then she turned to the table and took up the potato
+knife and began slicing potatoes calmly.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Very well, Laura,&#8221; she said. &#8220;I tried to do what I thought you
+would like, but if you want the tariff so badly I shall certainly
+not oppose you. Hereafter, no matter what happens, Billy and I will
+vote for the tariff!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And Tom and I certainly will,&#8221; said Laura between sobs. &#8220;We don&#8217;t
+care <i>who</i> the tariff bothers, or <i>how</i> much trouble it is. We are
+always, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span>always going to have a tariff&mdash;for ever and ever!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>When she told Mr. Fenelby this he was not as happy about it as might
+have been expected. He agreed that under the circumstances there was
+nothing else to do; that the tariff must become a permanent fixture;
+but he did not say so joyfully. He had more the air of a Job
+admitting that a continued succession of boils was inevitable. Job,
+under those circumstances was probably as placid as could be
+expected, but not hilarious, and neither was Mr. Fenelby.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner was as gloomy as breakfast had been. It developed into one of
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span>the plate-studying kind, with each of the four eating hastily and
+silently. Even Bobberts was not cheerful. He did not &#8220;coo&#8221; as usual,
+but stared unsmilingly at the ceiling. Into such a condition does a
+nation come when it suffers under a tax that is obnoxious, but which
+it cannot and will not repeal. When a nation gets into that
+condition one State can hardly ask another State to pass the butter,
+and when it does ask, its parliamentary courtesy is something
+frigidly polite. Suddenly Mrs. Fenelby looked up.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; she said, &#8220;there is somebody in the kitchen!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby laid his fork softly on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span>his plate and listened. There
+was no doubt of it. Someone was in the kitchen, gathering up the
+silverware. Mr. Fenelby arose and went into the kitchen. Almost
+immediately he returned. He returned because he either had to follow
+Bridget into the dining room or stay in the kitchen alone.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;It&#8217;s me, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget. She planted herself before Mrs.
+Fenelby and placed her hands on her hips. Mrs. Fenelby arose. &#8220;I&#8217;ve
+come back,&#8221; said Bridget.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And you can go again,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby regally. &#8220;I do not want
+you, you can go!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span>&#8220;Yes, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget. &#8220;&#8217;Tis all th&#8217; same t&#8217; me&mdash;stay or go,
+ma&#8217;am,&mdash;but I&#8217;ll be askin&#8217; ye t&#8217; pay me a month&#8217;s wages, Mrs.
+Fenelby, if ye want me t&#8217; go. A month&#8217;s wages or a month&#8217;s
+notice&mdash;that is th&#8217; law, ma&#8217;am.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;The idea!&#8221; exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. &#8220;I have not even hired you,
+yet!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;No, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; said Bridget, &#8220;but th&#8217; young lady has. She hired me
+with her own mouth, at me own sister Maggie&#8217;s, who will be witness
+t&#8217; it, an&#8217; I have been workin&#8217; in th&#8217; kitchen already. I&#8217;ve washed
+th&#8217; spoons.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span>&#8220;The young lady,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby coldly, &#8220;has no right to hire
+servants for me.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And hasn&#8217;t she, ma&#8217;am?&#8221; said Bridget angrily. &#8220;Let th&#8217; judge in th&#8217;
+court-house say if she has or hasn&#8217;t! Don&#8217;t try t&#8217; fool me, Missus
+Fenelby, ma&#8217;am. I&#8217;ve worked here before, ma&#8217;am, an&#8217; I know all about
+th&#8217; Commonwealth way ye have of doin&#8217; things. Wan of ye has as good
+a right t&#8217; vote me into a job as another has, Mrs. Fenelby, an&#8217; th&#8217;
+young lady an&#8217; th&#8217; young gintleman both asked me t&#8217; come. Even a
+poor ign&#8217;rant Irish girl has rights, Mrs. Fenelby, an&#8217; hired I was,
+t&#8217; worrk for th&#8217; Commonwealth. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span>An&#8217; here I stay, without ye choose
+t&#8217; hand me me month&#8217;s wages!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby looked appealingly at Tom, and Tom looked at Billy.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think she&#8217;d win, if she took it to law,&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;You know
+how the judges are. And if she brought up the matter of the
+Commonwealth, you know you <i>did</i> make Kitty and me full partakers in
+it.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby, &#8220;pay her a month&#8217;s wages and let her go!&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby moved uneasily. He had put all his money into Bobberts&#8217;
+bank. In all the house there was not a month&#8217;s wages except in
+Bobberts&#8217; bank. Mr. Fenelby looked toward the bank.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span>&#8220;Never!&#8221; said Billy. &#8220;<i>I</i> put money into that, and so did Kitty. It
+is for Bobberts, not for month&#8217;s wages. I object.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby looked away from the bank. He looked, helplessly, all
+around the room, and ended by looking at Laura.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;My dear,&#8221; he said, &#8220;I think we had better keep Bridget.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I think ye had!&#8221; said Bridget. &#8220;For there ain&#8217;t no way t&#8217; git rid
+of me. I&#8217;m here, ma&#8217;am, an&#8217; I don&#8217;t bear no ill will. I forgive ye
+all, an&#8217; I&#8217;m willin&#8217; t&#8217; let by-gones be by-gones, excipt one or two
+things, which ye will have t&#8217; change.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span>&#8220;The idea!&#8221; exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. Bridget shrugged her shoulders.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Have it yer own way, ma&#8217;am,&#8221; she said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> &#8220;I am not one that would
+dictate t&#8217; th&#8217; lady of th&#8217; house. I am no dictator, ma&#8217;am, an&#8217; I
+don&#8217;t wish t&#8217; be, but here I am an&#8217; here I stay, an&#8217; &#8217;tis no fault
+of mine if some things riles me temper and makes me act as I
+shouldn&#8217;t. I&#8217;m one that likes things t&#8217; be peaceful, ma&#8217;am, for no
+one knows how much row a girrl can make in th&#8217; house better &#8217;n than
+I does, especially when she&#8217;s hired by th&#8217; month an&#8217; can&#8217;t be fired.
+I can&#8217;t forget one Mrs. Grasset I worked for, ma&#8217;am, an&#8217; her that
+miserable an&#8217; cryin&#8217; all th&#8217; time, just because I had one of me bad
+timper spells. I should hate t&#8217; have one of thim here, Mrs.
+Fenelby.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby, controlling his righteous indignation as
+best he could, &#8220;what is it you want?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I want no more of thim tariff doin&#8217;s!&#8221; said Bridget firmly. &#8220;Thim
+tariff doin&#8217;s is more than mortal mind can stand, Mr. Fenelby, sir!
+Nawthin&#8217; I ever had t&#8217; do with in anny of me places riled me up like
+thim tariff doin&#8217;s, an&#8217; we will have no more tariff in th&#8217; house,
+<i>if</i> ye please, sir.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Well, of all the impert&mdash;&#8221; began Mr. Fenelby angrily, but Mrs.
+Fenelby <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span>put her hand on his arm and quieted him.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Tom,&#8221; she said, &#8220;please be careful! You do not have to spend your
+days with Bridget, and I do! Don&#8217;t be rash. Send her into the
+kitchen until we talk it over.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Bridget went, willingly. She gathered an armful of dishes, and went
+into her throne-room, bearing her head high. She felt that she was
+master and she was.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Now, this Commonwealth&mdash;&#8221; began Mr. Fenelby, when the kitchen door
+had closed, but Billy stopped him.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Stop being foolish, Tom,&#8221; he said.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> &#8220;What Commonwealth are you
+talking about? This is not a Commonwealth&mdash;this is an unlimited
+dictatorship, and Bridget is sole dictator! Wake up; don&#8217;t you know
+a <i>coup d&#8217;&eacute;tat</i> when you see one? Can&#8217;t you tell a usurper by
+sight?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fenelby looked moodily at the kitchen door.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;That is what it is,&#8221; said Billy decidedly. &#8220;The dictator has
+smashed your republic under her iron heel; your laws are all back
+numbers&mdash;if she wants any laws, she will let you know. I know the
+signs. When a Great One rises up in the midst of a Republic and puts
+her hands on her <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span>hips and says &#8216;What are you going to do about it?&#8217;
+and there <i>isn&#8217;t</i> anything to do about it, you have a dictator, and
+all that you can do is knuckle down and be good.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>There was a minute&#8217;s silence. The Commonwealth was dying hard.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;I could shake the money out of Bobberts&#8217; bank,&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby,
+but even as he said it Bobberts wailed. His voice arose clear and
+strong in protest against that or against something else. The
+kitchen door swung open and the Dictator ran in and approached the
+Heir, and Bobberts held out his arms.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Bless th&#8217; darlin&#8217;,&#8221; said Bridget, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span>cuddling him in her arms, but
+Mrs. Fenelby frowned.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Give him to me,&#8221; she said sternly, and Bridget turned to her. And
+then, in the eyes of all the Commonwealth, Bobberts turned his back
+on his own mother and clung to the Dictator! Clung, and squealed,
+until the danger of separation was over.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;You see!&#8221; said Billy, triumphantly.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fenelby sighed. The Dictator had won. The tariff was dead.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;And in our house,&#8221; said Kitty, cheerfully, &#8220;we won&#8217;t have any
+tariff, will we, Billy?&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Your house!&#8221; exclaimed Mrs. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span>Fenelby, forgetting all about the
+Dictator in the new interest, and brightening into herself again.</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Our house,&#8221; said Kitty proudly. &#8220;Mine and Billy&#8217;s.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p>&#8220;Our house,&#8221; echoed Billy, blushing. &#8220;We can&#8217;t stand a Dictator, and
+we are going to secede and&mdash;and have a United State of our own.&#8221;</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>&#8220;Isn&#8217;t it splendid about Kitty and Billy?&#8221; said Mrs. Fenelby that
+evening to Tom, as they bent over Bobberts&#8217; crib. &#8220;And if it hadn&#8217;t
+been for our tariff driving them together I don&#8217;t believe it would
+ever have happened.&#8221;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span>&#8220;It&#8217;s fine!&#8221; said Mr. Fenelby. &#8220;Fine! And that
+other set of Eugene Field will do for a wedding present!&#8221;</p>
+
+<h3>THE END</h3>
+
+<hr class="large" />
+
+<h3><span class="smcap">Transcriber&#8217;s Note:</span></h3>
+
+<p>Minor changes have been made to correct typesetters&#8217; errors; otherwise, every effort has been made to remain true
+to the author&#8217;s words and intent.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Cheerful Smugglers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,3587 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Cheerful Smugglers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Cheerful Smugglers
+
+Author: Ellis Parker Butler
+
+Illustrator: May Wilson Preston
+
+Release Date: November 23, 2008 [EBook #27317]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHEERFUL SMUGGLERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by D Alexander and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ The
+ Cheerful Smugglers
+
+ By
+
+ Ellis Parker Butler
+
+ Author of "Confessions of a Daddy,"
+ "Pigs is Pigs," etc.
+
+ With illustrations by
+ May Wilson Preston
+
+ New York
+ The Century Co.
+ 1908
+
+
+
+
+ Copyright, 1908, by
+ THE CENTURY CO.
+
+ Copyright, 1907, by
+ The Phelps Publishing Co.
+
+ _Published, May, 1908_
+
+ THE DE VINNE PRESS
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: "'We ought to have a domestic tariff'"]
+
+
+
+
+Contents
+
+
+ CHAPTER                                                    PAGE
+
+    I THE FENELBY TARIFF                                      3
+
+   II THE BOX OF BON-BONS                                    34
+
+  III KITTY'S TRUNKS                                         57
+
+   IV BILLY                                                  91
+
+    V THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST                                  110
+
+   VI BRIDGET                                               139
+
+  VII THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE                                 158
+
+ VIII THE FIELD OF DISHONOR                                 189
+
+   IX BOBBERTS INTERVENES                                   206
+
+    X TARIFF REFORM                                         229
+
+   XI THE COUP D'ETAT                                       251
+
+
+
+
+List of Illustrations
+
+
+ "'We ought to have a domestic tariff'"           _Frontispiece_
+
+                                                            PAGE
+
+ "She was busy with Bobberts"                                27
+
+ Bobberts                                                    39
+
+ "Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom"         55
+
+ "Never in the history of trunks was the
+ act of unpacking done so quickly or
+ so recklessly"                                              81
+
+ "With all the grace of a Sandow"                            87
+
+ "'I declare one collar'"                                   103
+
+ "When the 6:02 pulled in"                                  193
+
+
+
+
+The Cheerful Smugglers
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+THE FENELBY TARIFF
+
+
+Bobberts was the baby, and ever since Bobberts was born--and that
+was nine months next Wednesday, and just look what a big, fat boy he
+is now!--his parents had been putting all their pennies into a
+little pottery pig, so that when Bobberts reached the proper age he
+could go to college. The money in the little pig bank was
+officially known as "Bobberts' Education Fund," and next to Bobberts
+himself was the thing in the house most talked about. It was "Tom,
+dear, have you put your pennies in the bank this evening?" or "I
+say, Laura, how about Bobberts' pennies to-day. Are you holding out
+on him?" And then, when they came to count the contents of the bank,
+there were only twenty-three dollars and thirty-eight cents in it
+after nine months of faithful penny contributions.
+
+That was how Fenelby, who had a great mind for such things, came to
+think of the Fenelby tariff. It was evident that the penny system
+could not be counted on to pile up a sum large enough to see
+Bobberts through Yale and leave a margin big enough for him to live
+on while he was getting firmly established in his profession,
+whatever that profession might be. What was needed in the Fenelby
+family was a system that would save money for Bobberts gently and
+easily, and that would not be easy to forget nor be too palpable a
+strain on the Fenelby income. Something that would make them save in
+spite of themselves; not a direct tax, but what you might call an
+indirect tax--and right there was where and how the idea came to
+Fenelby.
+
+"That's the idea!" he said to Mrs. Fenelby. "That is the very
+thing we want! An indirect tax, just as this nation pays its taxes,
+and the tariff is the very thing! It's as simple as A B C. The
+nation charges a duty on everything that comes into the country;
+_we_ will charge a duty on everything that comes into the house,
+and the money goes into Bobberts' education fund. We won't miss the
+money that way. That's the beauty of an indirect tax: you don't know
+you are paying it. The government collects a little on one thing
+that is imported, and a little on another, and no one cares,
+because the amount is so small on each thing, and yet look at the
+total--hundreds of millions of dollars!"
+
+"Goodness!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "Can we save that much for
+Bobberts? Of course, not hundreds of millions; but if we could save
+even one hundred thousand dollars--"
+
+"Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "I don't believe you understand what I
+mean. If you would pay a little closer attention when I am
+explaining things you would understand better. A tariff doesn't make
+money out of nothing. How could we save a hundred thousand dollars
+out of my salary, when the whole salary is only twenty-five hundred
+dollars a year, and we spend every cent of it?"
+
+"But, Tom dear," said Mrs. Fenelby, "how can I help spending it? You
+know I am just as economical as I can be. You said yourself that we
+couldn't live on a cent less than we are spending. You know I would
+be only _too_ glad to save, if I could, and I didn't get that new
+dress until you just begged and begged me to get it, and--"
+
+"I know," said Mr. Fenelby, kindly. "I think you do wonders with
+that twenty-five hundred. I don't see how you do it; I couldn't.
+And that is just why I say we ought to have a domestic tariff. I
+don't see how we can ever save enough to send Bobberts to college
+unless we have some system. We spend every cent of my twenty-five
+hundred dollars every year, and we could never in the world take two
+hundred and fifty dollars out of it at one time and put it in the
+bank for Bobberts, could we? We never have two hundred and fifty
+dollars at one time. And yet two hundred and fifty dollars is only
+ten per cent. of my yearly salary. But if I buy a cigar for ten
+cents it would be no hardship for me to put a cent in the bank for
+Bobberts, would it? Not a bit! And if you buy an ice cream soda; it
+would not cramp our finances to put a cent in the bank for each
+soda, would it? And yet a cent is ten per cent. of a dime."
+
+"That is very simple and very easy," said Mrs. Fenelby, "and I think
+it would be a very good plan. I think we ought to begin at once."
+
+"So do I," said Mr. Fenelby. "But we don't want to begin a thing
+like this and then let it slip from our minds after a day or two. If
+the government did that the nation's revenue would all fade away. We
+ought to go at it in a business-like way, just as the United States
+would do it. We ought to write it down, and then live up to it. Now,
+I'll write it down."
+
+Mr. Fenelby went to his desk and took a seat before it. He opened
+the desk and pulled from beneath the pile of loose papers and tissue
+patterns with which it was littered the large blankbook in which
+Mrs. Fenelby, in one of her spurts of economical system, had once
+begun a record of household expenditures--a bothersome business that
+lasted until she had to foot up the first week's figures, and then
+stopped. There were plenty of blank leaves in the book. Mr. Fenelby
+dipped his pen in the ink. Mrs. Fenelby took up her sewing, and
+began to stitch a seam. Bobberts lay asleep on the lounge at the
+other side of the room.
+
+Mr. Fenelby was not over thirty. His chubby, smiling face radiated
+enthusiasm, and if he was not very tall he had a noble forehead that
+rounded up to meet the baldness that began so far back that his hat
+showed a little half-moon of baldness at the back. He looked
+cheerfully at the world through rather strong spectacles, and
+everyone said how much he looked like Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby was
+younger, but she took a much more matter-of-fact view of life and
+things, and Mr. Fenelby never ceased congratulating himself on
+having married her. "My wife Laura," he would say to his friends,
+"has great executive ability. She is a wonder. I let her attend to
+the little details." The truth was that she managed him, and managed
+the house, and managed all their affairs. She took to the management
+naturally and Mr. Fenelby did not know that he was being managed.
+They were very happy.
+
+Mr. Fenelby turned toward his wife suddenly, still holding his pen
+in his hand. He had not written a word, but his face glowed.
+
+"I tell you, Laura!" he exclaimed. "This is the best idea we have
+had since we were married! It is a big idea! What we ought to
+do--what we _will_ do--is to have a family congress and adopt this
+tariff in the right way, and write it down. That is what we will
+do--and then, any time we want to change the tariff we will have a
+session of the family congress, and vote on it."
+
+"That will be nice, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, biting off her thread,
+but not looking up. Mr. Fenelby turned back to his blankbook. He
+dipped his pen in the ink again, and hesitated.
+
+"How would it do," he asked, turning to Laura again, "to call it
+the 'United States of Fenelby?' Or the 'Commonwealth of Fenelby?'
+No!" he exclaimed, "I'll tell you what we will call it--we will call
+it the 'Commonwealth of Bobberts,' for that is what it is. 'The
+Domestic Tariff of the Commonwealth of Bobberts!'"
+
+"Yes," said Mrs. Fenelby, holding up her sewing and looking at it
+with her head tilted to one side, "that will be nice."
+
+Mr. Fenelby wrote it in his blankbook, at the top of the first blank
+page.
+
+"Fine!" said Mr. Fenelby, growing more enthusiastic as the idea
+expanded in his mind. "And the congress will be composed of
+everyone in the family. No taxation without representation, you
+know--that is the American way of doing things. Everything that
+comes into the house has to pay a duty, so everyone in the family
+has a vote, and every so often the congress will meet in the parlor
+here--"
+
+"Does Bobberts have a vote?" asked Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Ah--well, Bobberts is hardly old enough, you know," said Mr.
+Fenelby hesitatingly. "We will--No," he said with sudden
+inspiration, "Bobberts will not have a vote. Bobberts will be a
+Territory! That is it. Grown-ups will be States and infants will be
+Territories. Bobberts can't vote, but he can attend the meetings of
+congress and he can have a voice in the debates. He can oppose any
+measure with his voice--"
+
+"I should think he could!" said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+Mr. Fenelby turned to his desk and wrote in the book a brief outline
+of the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Bobberts. Mrs. Fenelby
+creased a tuck into the little dress she was making. She did it by
+pinning one end of the sheer linen to her knee and then running her
+thumb up and down the folded tuck. Suddenly the door opened and
+Bridget entered with aggressive quietness. She was a plain faced
+Irishwoman, and the way she wore her hair, straight back from her
+brow, had in itself an air of constant readiness to do battle for
+her rights. When she was noisy her noise was a challenge, and when
+she was quiet her quietness was full of mute assertiveness. It was
+as if, when she wished to enter a room quietly, she was not content
+to enter it quietly and be satisfied with that, but first prepared
+for it by draping herself in strings of cow-bells and sleigh-bells,
+and then entered on tip-toe with painful care.
+
+"Missus Fenelby, ma'am," said Bridget, in a loud whisper, "would ye
+be havin' th' milkman lave wan or two quarts ov milk in th'
+mornin'?"
+
+"Why, Bridget," said Mrs. Fenelby, "haven't I told you we _always_
+want two quarts?"
+
+"Yis, ma'am," said Bridget. "An' ye can't say that ye haven't got
+thim iv'ry mornin', either. If ye can, an' wish t' say it, ma'am, ye
+may as well say it now as another toime. I may have me faults,
+ma'am--"
+
+"You have always attended to the milkman just as I wished," said
+Mrs. Fenelby, cheerfully. "Exactly as I wanted you to," she added,
+for Bridget still waited. "And we will continue to get two quarts a
+day."
+
+"Very well, ma'am," whispered Bridget. "I was just thinkin' mebby ye
+had changed yer moind about how much t' git. It is all th' same t'
+me, Missus Fenelby, ma'am, how much ye git. I am not wan of thim
+that don't allow th' lady ov th' house t' change her moind if she
+wants to. I take no offince if she changes her moind. I am used t'
+sich goin's on, ma'am, an' I know my place an' don't wish t'
+dictate. Wan quart or two quarts or three quarts is all th' same t'
+me."
+
+"Bridget," said Mrs. Fenelby, laying down her sewing, "do we need
+three quarts of milk?"
+
+"No, ma'am," said Bridget.
+
+"Well," asked Mrs. Fenelby, "are two quarts too much?"
+
+"No, ma'am," said Bridget. "But if ye wanted t' change yer moind--"
+
+"Not at all!" said Mrs. Fenelby, kindly but firmly. "Good-night,
+Bridget."
+
+Bridget backed out of the door, and Mr. Fenelby, who had kept his
+head close to his book, turned to his wife with a frown on his brow.
+
+"What is it, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, after a fleeting glance at
+his face.
+
+"Laura," he said, "what shall we do with Bridget?"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby looked up quickly. She quite forgot her sewing.
+
+"Do with Bridget?" she asked. "What _do_ you mean, Tom? Has Bridget
+said anything about leaving? And I was only this afternoon
+congratulating myself on how good she was! I declare I don't know
+what this world is going to do for servants--we pay Bridget more
+than anyone in this town, I know we do, and treat her like one
+of the family, almost, and now she is going to leave! It's
+discouraging! When did she tell you she was going to leave?"
+
+"Leave?" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "I never thought of such a thing. I
+was only wondering what to do with her in--in the Commonwealth of
+Bobberts."
+
+"Oh!" cried Mrs. Fenelby, with a sigh of profound relief. She took
+up her sewing again, and bent her head over it. "Is that all! Of
+course Bridget expects to be treated like one of the family. I told
+her when she came that I always treated my maids as part of the
+family."
+
+"But we can't have Bridget come in and sit with us whenever we have
+a session of congress," said Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"Certainly not!" said Mrs. Fenelby, very decidedly. "I wouldn't
+think of such a thing!"
+
+"So she can't be a State," said Mr. Fenelby, "and if we made her a
+Territory it would be as bad. She could come in and talk. She would
+insist on talking."
+
+"And if we did not let her," said Mrs. Fenelby, "she would leave,
+and I know we could never get another girl as good as Bridget."
+
+"Now you get some idea of the hard work our forefathers had when
+they made the United States," said Mr. Fenelby, rising and walking
+up and down the room. "But of course they had no case like Bridget.
+Bridget is more like a--more like the Philippines. Well!" he
+exclaimed, "it is a wonder I didn't think of that in the first
+place!"
+
+"What, dear?" asked his wife.
+
+"That Bridget is a colony," said Mr. Fenelby. "That is just what she
+is! She is a foreign possession, controlled by the nation, but
+having no voice in its affairs. She can pay taxes, but she can't
+vote."
+
+He hurriedly wrote the final words of the Constitution of the
+Commonwealth of Bobberts in his book and drew a line underneath it,
+for Bobberts was showing signs of awakening. Under the line Mr.
+Fenelby wrote "First Session of Congress."
+
+Bobberts awoke in a good humor, ready for his evening meal, and Mrs.
+Fenelby put aside her sewing and took him.
+
+"I am glad Bobberts is awake," said Mr. Fenelby, "because now we can
+go ahead and vote on the tariff. I wouldn't like to do it if he was
+not present, because he has a right to take part in the debate, and
+it would not be fair to hold the first session without a full
+representation. Now, suppose we make the duty on all goods and
+things brought into the house an even ten per cent.?"
+
+[Illustration: "She was busy with Bobberts"]
+
+"That would be nice," said Mrs. Fenelby, absently, for she was busy
+with Bobberts. "How much is ten per cent. of twenty-five hundred
+dollars, Tom?"
+
+"Two hundred and fifty," said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what we
+ought to save for Bobberts every year. Ten per cent. will just do
+it."
+
+He had his pen ready to write it in the book, when a new difficulty
+came to mind.
+
+"Laura!" he exclaimed. "Ten per cent. will not do it! What about the
+rent? We spend fifty dollars a month for rent, and that is nothing
+we bring into the house. And theater tickets, when you go to town
+and buy them there and use them before you come home. And my
+lunches. And my club dues. And your pew rent. And ice cream sodas.
+And all that sort of thing. We couldn't collect a cent of duty on
+any of those things, because we don't bring them into the house. Ten
+per cent. is not enough. We ought to make it at least--"
+
+He figured roughly on a sheet of paper, while the other State and
+the Territory attended strictly to their occupation of feeding the
+Territory.
+
+"I should say, roughly speaking," said Mr. Fenelby, "that to raise
+two hundred and fifty dollars a year we ought to make the duty
+sixteen and three-quarters per cent., but I don't think that is
+advisable. It would be too hard to figure. I might be able to do it,
+Laura, but if you bought a waist for one dollar and ninety-eight
+cents, and had to figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. on it,
+I don't believe you could do it."
+
+"The idea!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "I would never think of buying a
+waist for one dollar and ninety-eight cents. I try to be economical,
+Tom, but you know you always like me to look well, and those cheap
+waists do not look well, and they are really dearer in the long run,
+because they get out of shape in a few days, and never wear well,
+anyway. The very cheapest waist I have bought for years was that one
+I got for three dollars and forty-seven cents, and I could have done
+much better if I had bought the goods and made it up myself."
+
+"Ah--yes," said Mr. Fenelby, hesitatingly. "I am afraid you did not
+just catch my meaning, Laura. It does not make any difference
+whether the waist costs one dollar and ninety-eight cents or twelve
+dollars and sixty-three cents. I mean that it would be a hard job to
+figure sixteen and three-quarters per cent. of it. Suppose we leave
+the duty at ten per cent. on necessities, and make it thirty per
+cent. on luxuries? That ought to make it come out about two hundred
+and fifty dollars a year, and if it does not we can have a meeting
+of congress any time and raise the duty."
+
+"That would be very nice," said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+So it was decided that the tariff duty on necessities was to be ten
+per cent., and that on luxuries it should be thirty per cent., and
+Mr. Fenelby wrote down in the book these facts, and the Fenelby
+Tariff was in effect.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+THE BOX OF BON-BONS
+
+
+The financial arrangements of the Fenelbys were extremely simple.
+Every week Mr. Fenelby received his salary and brought every cent of
+it home to Laura. Out of this she handed him back a sum that was
+unvaryingly the same, and with this Mr. Fenelby paid his car-fares,
+bought his evening papers, his cigars, and such other little things
+as a man finds necessary. It was a very small sum, and Mr. Fenelby
+could not have afforded the pleasures of a club, nor many other
+things he did afford, had he not been able to add to his purse by
+writing occasional bits of fiction and jokes for the lighter
+magazines. Some months this additional money amounted to quite a
+sum, and when it more than paid his expenses, he would make Laura a
+little present, but it was understood that this money was his, and
+that it was something quite outside the regular income of the
+family, and not to be counted on for household expenses. The result
+was that sometimes Mr. Fenelby had quite a sum in his pockets, and
+sometimes he had hard work to make his car-fare money last through
+the week.
+
+But one thing he never neglected was to bring home to his wife a box
+of bon-bons every Saturday evening, and one of the things that Mrs.
+Fenelby flaunted before her female friends was the fact that
+although she had been married for five years Tom never missed the
+box of candy. This was the visible sign that his love had not
+declined, and that he still had a lover's thoughtfulness.
+
+On the Friday after the Fenelby Tariff had been adopted, Mr. Fenelby
+came home with a box of cigars under his arm. It was his usual box
+of twenty-five, and the usual brand, for which he paid ten cents
+each, and after he had kissed Laura he gaily deposited twenty-five
+cents in Bobberts' bank. This was the first money he had put in the
+bank under the new tariff laws, and he took an especial pleasure in
+depositing it. Mrs. Fenelby had put many pennies and nickels in the
+bank during the week, because she had had to buy a number of things
+from the vegetable man, and others.
+
+"How much did you put in, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, as she heard
+the coin rattle down among its fellows.
+
+"A quarter," said Mr. Fenelby, gaily. "I tell you, Laura, that boy
+will soon have a lot of money if it keeps coming in at that rate. A
+quarter here, and a quarter there! It is amazing how it mounts up."
+
+"Yes," she answered. "But shouldn't you put in seventy-five cents,
+Tom? Cigars are a luxury, aren't they? And you know you said
+luxuries were thirty per cent."
+
+Mr. Fenelby turned quickly.
+
+"Nonsense!" he said. "Any man will tell you that cigars are an
+absolute necessity. Just as much so as food or drink or clothing.
+Every one knows that, Laura."
+
+[Illustration: Bobberts]
+
+"Why, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "you told me, only last night, when I
+merely hinted that you were smoking too much, that you could quit
+any minute you chose, and that it had no hold on you whatever. You
+said you only smoked a little for the pleasure it gave you, and that
+there was no danger at all of its ever becoming a necessity to you.
+Of course, I don't care, for myself, what you put in the bank, but I
+should not think you would want to rob poor little Bobberts of what
+he really should have, just because you can twist out of it by
+claiming--"
+
+There were signs of tears, and Mr. Fenelby cheerfully stepped up
+and dropped fifty cents more into the bank. It was one of his
+periods of plenty, and he would have been willing to put dollars
+into the bank, instead of quarters, rather than have Laura think he
+was trying to defraud Bobberts. He explained to Laura that all he
+wanted to know was what he really ought to pay, and then he would
+pay it cheerfully. Probably all men are like that. They only want to
+have their taxes assessed fairly, and they will pay them joyfully.
+One of the prettiest sights imaginable is to see the tax-payers
+gleefully crowding to pay their taxes. I say imaginable, because it
+is one of the sights that has to be imagined.
+
+The next evening was warm, and Bobberts was sleeping nicely, so Mrs.
+Fenelby walked part of the way to the station to meet Tom when he
+came home, and her eyes brightened when she saw the square parcel
+that she knew to be the box of candy, in his hand. He kissed her,
+right there on the street, as suburban husbands are not ashamed to
+do, and put the box of candy in her hand.
+
+"And what do you think my news is?" he asked, after he had asked
+about Bobberts. "Brother Bill is coming to make us that visit that
+he has been promising for ever so long--"
+
+"Tom!" cried Laura. "And what do you think my news is? Kitty is
+coming to spend two weeks with us! Isn't that the jolliest thing you
+ever heard of? Both coming at the same time! I wonder if they--"
+
+"Well," said Tom, who generally had a pretty clear idea of what
+Laura meant to say next, "if they did fall in love with each other,
+it would not be such a bad match. Your cousin Kitty is as nice as
+any girl I know, and I rather think Billy isn't such a bad sort.
+Anyway, they will make it pleasant for each other."
+
+"It will brighten us up all around to have them here," said Mrs.
+Fenelby. "I wonder whether we ought to make them pay tariff on
+things. That was the first thing I thought of, when I read that
+Kitty meant to visit us. It does seem a little like inhospitality,
+to make them pay tariff."
+
+"Not a bit!" said Tom. "They will like it. It will be a lot of fun
+for them, and you know it will, Laura. Would we like to be left out
+of anything of that kind if we were visiting any one? Of course not.
+I don't know Kitty as well as you do, but speaking for Billy I can
+say that he would be mighty hurt if we did not treat him just as we
+treat the rest of the family. He will think it is a jolly game."
+
+"I am not afraid of how Kitty will take it, when I tell her it is
+all for the benefit of Bobberts. She will be wild about the tariff.
+The only thing I am afraid of is that she will go and buy things she
+doesn't need or want, just in order that she can put money in
+Bobberts' bank," said Mrs. Fenelby. "I told Bridget about the tariff
+to-day, and she was so interested! Every one I tell about it thinks
+it is a splendid idea, and wonders how you could think of it."
+
+"I do think of some things that other people do not think of," said
+Mr. Fenelby, rather proudly; "but that is because I accustom myself
+to use my brains."
+
+"But it is surprising how a little thing like this tariff counts
+up!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "My bills this week were fourteen dollars,
+and I had to put a dollar and forty cents into Bobberts' bank, and
+then I had to pay Bridget's month's wages to-day, but I didn't have
+to pay any tariff on that, and I had to pay the gas bill, too; but I
+didn't have to pay any tariff on that, thank goodness--"
+
+"Of course you have to pay tariff on the gas bill!" exclaimed Mr.
+Fenelby. "The gas came into the house, didn't it?"
+
+"But you said I didn't have to pay tariff on the rent bill," argued
+Laura; "and the rent bill is just as much a bill as the gas bill is.
+You know very well, Tom, that we always figure on those three things
+as if they were just alike--the rent, and the gas, and Bridget,--and
+I don't see why, if there is a tariff on gas why there should not be
+one on rent."
+
+"Rent isn't a thing that comes into the house," explained Mr.
+Fenelby. "You can't _see_ rent."
+
+"You can't see gas," said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"You can see it if it is lighted," said Mr. Fenelby, "and you can
+smell it any time you want to. Gas is a real object, or thing, and
+we buy it, and it pays a duty."
+
+"Very well," said Mrs. Fenelby. "Then I ought to pay duty on
+Bridget, too. She is a real thing, and we pay money for her, just as
+much as we do for gas, and she is a thing that comes into the house.
+If I don't pay on Bridget, I don't see why I should pay on the gas.
+The next thing you will be saying that Bridget is a luxury, and that
+I ought to pay thirty per cent. on her! Probably I ought to pay a
+duty on Bobberts! I don't think it is fair that I should pay on
+everything. I will not pay ten per cent. on the gas bill.
+Everything seems to come the same day."
+
+"Laura!" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby, with sudden joy, "you don't have to
+pay on the gas bill this month! I wonder I hadn't thought of it.
+That gas bill is for gas used before the tariff was adopted! And now
+that you know about it, you will expect to pay next month."
+
+"I shall warn Bridget again about using so much in the range," said
+Laura. "We shall have to economize very carefully, Tom. I can see
+that. The tariff is going to make our living very expensive."
+
+They had reached the house, and had lingered a minute on the porch,
+and now they went inside, for they heard the dinner-bell tinkle.
+
+"You had better drop eight cents in the bank before you forget it,"
+said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Eight cents?" inquired Tom, quite at a loss to remember what he was
+to pay eight cents for.
+
+"Eight cents," repeated his wife. "For the candy. It is eighty cents
+a pound, isn't it? But it is a luxury, isn't it? That would be
+twenty-four cents!"
+
+"Yes, twenty-four cents," said Tom, smiling. "Twenty-four cents; but
+I don't pay it. You pay it."
+
+"_I_ pay it!" cried Mrs. Fenelby. "The idea! I didn't buy the candy.
+I didn't even ask you to buy it, Tom, although I am very glad to
+have it, and you are a dear to bring it to me. But you are the one
+to pay for it. You bought it."
+
+"My dear," said Mr. Fenelby, "whoever brings a thing into the house
+pays the duty on it. I gave you the box of candy when we were a full
+block from the house, and you accepted it, and it was your property
+after that, and you brought it into the house, and you must pay the
+duty on it."
+
+For a moment Mrs. Fenelby was inclined to be hurt, and then she
+laughed.
+
+"What is it?" her husband asked, as he seated himself at his end of
+the table, and unfolded his napkin.
+
+"I'll pay the twenty-four cents; but please don't bring me any more
+candy," she said. "I can't afford presents. But that wasn't what I
+was laughing about. I just happened to think of Will and Kitty. Will
+they have to pay duty on their trunks and all the things they have
+in them? Kitty has the most _luxurious_ dresses, and luxuries pay
+thirty per cent. If she will have to pay on them perhaps I had
+better telegraph her to come with only a dress suit-case."
+
+They did not telegraph Kitty. About a week later Kitty arrived, and
+the next day Billy came, and to each the Fenelbys explained the
+Fenelby Tariff, on the way up from the station. Both thought it was
+a splendid idea, and agreed to uphold the tariff law and abide by it
+and be governed by it, and when Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's
+baggage-checks to Tom and asked him to see that the three trunks
+were sent over from the city and delivered at the house, Mr. Fenelby
+had no idea what was in store for him.
+
+[Illustration: "Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom"]
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+KITTY'S TRUNKS
+
+
+When Mr. Fenelby went to the city in the morning he gave Kitty's
+trunk checks to the expressman. When he returned to his home in the
+evening he found Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby on the porch, and Mrs.
+Fenelby was explaining to her visitor, for about the tenth time, the
+workings of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. She had explained to Kitty
+how the tariff had come to be adopted, how it was to supply an
+education fund for Bobberts--who was at that moment asleep in his
+crib, upstairs--and how every necessity brought into the house had
+to pay into Bobberts' bank ten per cent., and every luxury thirty
+per cent. Kitty was a dear, as was Mrs. Fenelby, but they were as
+different as cousins could well be, for while Mrs. Fenelby was the
+man's ideal of a gentle domestic person, Kitty was the man's ideal
+of a forceful, jolly girl, and as full of liveliness as a well
+behaved young lady could be. She was properly interested in Bobberts
+and admired him loudly, but in her heart she was not sorry that Mr.
+Fenelby's brother Will was to be a visitor at the house during her
+stay.
+
+She did not show any unmaidenly curiosity in regard to Brother Will,
+but between doses of Bobberts and Tariff she managed to learn about
+all Mrs. Fenelby knew regarding Brother Will's past, present and
+future, including a pretty minute description of his appearance,
+habits and beliefs.
+
+Brother Will had arrived that very day, and on the way up from the
+station the Fenelbys had explained to him all about the Domestic
+Tariff, and also that until a bed could be sent out from the city he
+would have to find a bed wherever he could, and so it happened that
+he went right back to the city with Mr. Fenelby, and had not met
+Kitty, as he preferred to sleep in the city, rather than in the
+hammock on the porch.
+
+There is an admirable natural honesty in women that prevents them
+from claiming that their husbands are perfection. In some this is so
+abnormally developed that, to be on the safe side, I suppose, they
+will not allow that their husbands have any virtues whatever; in
+others the trace of this type of honesty is so slight that they will
+claim to every one, except their dearest friends, that their
+husbands are the best in the world. The normal wife first announces
+that her husband is as near perfect as any man can be, and then
+proceeds to enumerate all his imperfections, bad humors, and
+annoying habits, under the impression, perhaps, that she is praising
+him. Mrs. Fenelby had been proceeding in somewhat this way in her
+conversation with Kitty, under the impression that she was showing
+Kitty how lovely and domestically perfect was her life, but Kitty
+gained from it only the impression that Mrs. Fenelby had become the
+slave of Mr. Fenelby and Bobberts.
+
+The more Mrs. Fenelby explained the workings of the Domestic Tariff
+the more positive of this did Kitty become. It was Laura who paid
+all the household bills, and so Laura had to pay the tariff duty on
+whatever came into the house; it was Laura who had to give up her
+weekly box of candy because if she received it she had to pay
+twenty-four cents duty. To Kitty the Fenelby Domestic Tariff seemed
+to be a scheme concocted by Mr. Fenelby to make Laura provide an
+education fund for Bobberts. Poor Laura was evidently being misused
+and did not know it. Poor Laura must be rescued, and given that
+womanly freedom that women are supposed to long for, even when they
+don't want it. Poor meek Laura needed some one to put a foot down,
+and Kitty felt that she had an admirable foot for that or any other
+purpose. She proposed to put it down.
+
+When Mr. Fenelby entered his yard on his return from the city he
+stopped short, and then looked up to where the two young women were
+sitting on the porch.
+
+"Hello!" he said, "What is the matter with these trunks? Wouldn't
+that expressman carry them upstairs? I declare, those fellows are
+getting too independent for comfort. Unless you hold a dollar tip
+out before them they won't so much as turn around. Now, I distinctly
+told this fellow to carry these three trunks upstairs, and I said I
+would make it all right with him, and here he leaves them on the
+lawn. I hope, dear, you were at home when he came."
+
+"Yes, dear," said Mrs. Fenelby, "I was, and you should not blame the
+poor man. I am sure he tried hard enough to carry them up. He
+actually insisted on carrying them up whether we wanted them up or
+not. He was quite rude about it. He said you had told him to carry
+them up and that he meant to do it whether we let him or not,
+and--and at last I had to give him a dollar to leave them down
+here."
+
+"You--you gave him a dollar _not_ to carry these trunks upstairs!"
+exclaimed Mr. Fenelby. "Did you say you _paid_ the man a dollar
+_not_ to carry them upstairs?"
+
+"I had to," said Mrs. Fenelby. "It was the only way I could prevent
+him from doing it. He said you told him to carry them up, and that
+up they must go, if he had to break down the front door to do it. I
+think he must have been drinking, Tom, he used such awful language,
+and at last he got quite maudlin about it and sat down on one of the
+trunks and cried, actually cried! He said that for years and years
+he had refused to carry trunks upstairs, and that now, just when he
+had joined the Salvation Army, and was trying to lead a better life,
+and be kind and helpful and earn an extra dollar for his family by
+carrying trunks upstairs when gentlemen asked him to, I had to step
+in and refuse to let him carry trunks upstairs, and that this was
+the sort of thing that discouraged a poor man who was trying to make
+up for his past errors. So I gave him a dollar to leave them down
+here."
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked at the three big trunks ruefully, and shook his
+head at them.
+
+"Well," he said, "I suppose it is all right, Laura, but I can't see
+why you wouldn't let him take them up. You know I don't enjoy that
+kind of work, and that I don't think it is good for me."
+
+"Kitty didn't want them taken up," said Mrs. Fenelby, gently.
+"She--she wanted them left down here."
+
+"Down here?" asked Mr. Fenelby, as if dazed. "Down here on the
+grass?"
+
+"Yes," said Kitty, lightly. "It was my idea. Laura had nothing to do
+with it at all. I thought it would be nice to have the trunks down
+here on the lawn. Everywhere I visit they always take my trunks up
+to my room, and it gets so tiresome always having the same thing
+happen, so I thought that this time I would have a variety and leave
+my trunks on the lawn. I never in my life left my trunks on a front
+lawn, and I wanted to see how it would be. You don't think they will
+hurt the grass do you, Mr. Fenelby?"
+
+Kitty asked this with such an air of sincerity that Mr. Fenelby
+seated himself on one of the trunks and looked up at her anxiously.
+He could not recall that he had ever heard of any weakness of mind
+in Kitty or in her family, but he could not doubt his ears.
+
+"But--but--" he said, "but you don't mean to leave them here, do
+you?"
+
+Kitty smiled down at him reassuringly.
+
+"Of course, if it is going to harm the grass at all, Mr. Fenelby, I
+sha'n't think of it," she said. "I know that sometimes when a board
+or anything lies on the grass a long time the grass under the board
+gets all white, and if the trunks are going to make white spots on
+your lawn, I'll have them removed, but I thought that if we moved
+the trunks around to different places every day it would avoid that.
+But you know more about that than I do. Do you think they will make
+white places on the lawn, Mr. Fenelby?"
+
+"I don't know," he said, abstractedly. "I mean, yes, of course they
+will. But they will get rained on. You don't want your trunks rained
+on, you know. Trunks aren't meant to be rained on. It isn't good for
+them." A thought came to him suddenly. "You and Laura haven't
+quarreled, have you?" he asked, for he thought that perhaps that was
+why Kitty would not have her trunks carried up.
+
+"Indeed not!" cried Kitty, putting her arm affectionately around
+Laura's waist.
+
+"I--I thought perhaps you had," faltered Mr. Fenelby. "I
+thought--that is to say--I was afraid perhaps you were going away
+again. I thought you were going to make us a good, long visit--"
+
+"Indeed I am," said Kitty, cheerfully. "I am going to stay weeks,
+and weeks, and weeks. I am going to stay until you are all tired to
+death of me, and beg me to begone."
+
+"That is good," said Mr. Fenelby, with an attempt at pleasure. "But
+don't you think, since you are going to do what we want you to do,
+and stay for weeks, and weeks, and weeks, that you had better let
+your trunks be taken up to your room? Or--I'll tell you what we'll
+do! Suppose we just take the trunks into the lower hall?"
+
+He felt pretty certainly, now, that Kitty must have had a little
+touch of, say, sunstroke, or something of that kind, and he went on
+in a gently argumentative tone.
+
+"Just into the lower hall," he said. "That would be different from
+having them in your room, and it would save my grass. I worked hard
+to get this lawn looking as it does now, Kitty, and I cannot deny
+that big trunks like these will not do it any good. Let us say we
+will put the trunks in the lower hall. Then they will be safe, too.
+No one can steal them there. A front lawn is a rather conspicuous
+place for trunks. And what will the neighbors say, too, if we leave
+the trunks on the lawn? Why shouldn't we put the trunks in the lower
+hall?"
+
+"Well," said Kitty, "I can't afford it, that is why. Really, Mr.
+Fenelby, I can't afford to have those three trunks brought into the
+house."
+
+"And yet," said Mr. Fenelby, with just the slightest hint of
+impatience, "you girls could afford to give the man a dollar _not_
+to take them in! That is woman's logic!"
+
+"Oh! a dollar!" said Kitty. "If it was only a matter of a dollar! I
+hope you don't think, Mr. Fenelby, that I travel with only ten
+dollars' worth of baggage! No, indeed! I simply cannot afford to pay
+ten per cent. duty on what is in those trunks, and so I prefer to
+let them remain on the lawn. I wrote Laura that I expected to be
+treated as one of the family while I was visiting her, and if the
+Domestic Tariff is part of the way the family is treated I certainly
+expect to live up to it. Now, don't blame Laura, for she was not
+only willing to have the trunks come in without paying duty, but
+insisted that they should."
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked very grave. He was in a perplexing situation. He
+certainly did not wish to appear inhospitable, and yet Laura had had
+no right to say that the trunks could enter the house duty free. The
+only way such an unusual alteration in the Domestic Tariff could be
+made was by act of the Family Congress, and he very well knew that
+if once the matter of revising the tariff was taken up it was beyond
+the ken of man where it would end. He preferred to stand pat on the
+tariff as it had been originally adopted.
+
+"I told her," said Kitty, "that she had no right to throw off the
+duty on my trunks, at all, and that I wouldn't have it, and I
+didn't."
+
+"Well, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "you know perfectly well that we
+can't leave those trunks out on the lawn. It would not only be
+absolutely foolish to do that, but cruel to Kitty. A girl simply
+can't visit away from home without trunks, and it is absolutely
+necessary that Kitty should have her trunks."
+
+"'Necessities, ten per cent.,'" quoted Kitty.
+
+"But, my dear," said Mr. Fenelby, softly, "we really can't break all
+our household rules just because Kitty has brought three trunks, can
+we? Kitty does not expect us to do that, and I think she looks at it
+in a very rational manner. I like the spirit she has evinced."
+
+"Very well, then," said Mrs. Fenelby, "you must find some way to
+take care of those trunks, for we cannot leave them on the lawn."
+
+"Why can't we take them to some neighbor's house?" asked Kitty. "I
+am sure some neighbor would be glad to store them for me for awhile.
+Aren't you on good terms with your neighbors, Laura?"
+
+"The Rankins might take them," said Laura, thoughtfully. "They have
+that vacant room, you know, Tom. They might not mind letting us put
+them in there."
+
+"I don't know the Rankins," said Kitty, "but I am sure they are
+perfectly lovely people, and that they would not mind in the least."
+
+"I know they wouldn't," said Mr. Fenelby. "Rankin would be glad to
+do something of that sort to repay me for the number of times he has
+borrowed my lawn-mower. I will step over after dinner and ask him."
+
+"Are you sure, very sure, that you do not mind, Kitty?" asked Mrs.
+Fenelby. "You will not feel hurt, or anything?"
+
+"Oh, no!" said Kitty, lightly. "It will be a lark. I never in my
+life went visiting with three trunks, and then had them stored in
+another house. It will be quite like being shipwrecked on a desert
+island, to get along with one shirt-waist and one handkerchief."
+
+"It will not be quite that bad, you know," said Mr. Fenelby, with
+the air of a man stating a great discovery, "because, don't you see,
+you can open your trunks at the Rankins', and bring over just as
+many things as you think you can afford to pay on."
+
+For some reason that Mr. Fenelby could not fathom Kitty laughed
+merrily at this, and then they all went in to dinner. It was a very
+good dinner, of the kind that Bridget could prepare when she was in
+the humor, and they sat rather longer over it than usual, and then
+Mr. Fenelby proposed that he should step over to the Rankins' and
+arrange about the storage of Kitty's trunks, and on thinking it over
+he decided that he had better step down to the station and see if he
+could not get a man to carry the trunks across the street and up the
+Rankins' stairs. As they filed out of the house upon the porch,
+Kitty suddenly decided that it was a beautiful evening for a little
+walk, and that nothing would please her so much as to walk to the
+station with Mr. Fenelby, if Laura would be one of the party, and
+after running up to see that Bobberts was all right, Laura said
+that she would go, and they started. As they were crossing the
+street to the Rankins' Kitty suddenly turned back.
+
+[Illustration: "Never in the history of trunks was the act of
+unpacking done so quickly or so recklessly"]
+
+"You two go ahead," she said. "The air will do you good, Laura. I
+have something I want to do," and she ran back.
+
+She entered the house, and looked out of the window until she saw
+the Fenelbys go into the Rankins' and come out again, and saw them
+start to the station, but as soon as they were out of sight she
+dashed down the porch steps and threw open the lids of her trunks.
+Never in the history of trunks was the act of unpacking done so
+quickly or so recklessly. She dived into the masses of fluffiness
+and emerged with great armfuls, and hurried them into the house, up
+the stairs, and into her closet, and was down again for another
+load. If she had been looting the trunks she could not have worked
+more hurriedly, or more energetically, and when the last armful had
+been carried up she slammed the lids and turned the keys, and sank
+in a graceful position on the lower porch step.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. Fenelby returned with leisurely slowness of pace, the
+station loafer and man-of-little-work slouching along at a
+respectful distance behind them. Kitty greeted them with a cheerful
+frankness of face. The man-of-little-work looked at the three big
+trunks as if their size was in some way a personal insult to him. He
+tried to assume the look of a man who had been cozened away from his
+needed rest on false pretences.
+
+"I didn't know as the trunks was as big as them," he drawled. "If
+I'd knowed they was, I wouldn't of walked all the way over here.
+Fifty cents ain't no fair price for carryin' three trunks, the size
+and heft of them, across--well, say this is a sixty foot
+street--say, eighty feet, and up a flight of stairs. I don't say
+nothin', but I'll leave it to the ladies."
+
+"Fifty cents!" cried Kitty. "I should think not! Why, I didn't
+imagine you would do it for less than a dollar. I mean to pay you a
+dollar."
+
+"That's right," said the man. "You see I have to walk all the way
+back to the station when I git through, too. My time goin' and
+comin' is worth something."
+
+[Illustration: "With all the grace of a Sandow"]
+
+He bent down and took the largest trunk by one handle, to heave it
+to his back, and as he touched the handle the trunk almost arose
+into the air of its own accord. The man straightened up and looked
+at it, and a strange look passed across his face, but he closed
+his mouth and said nothing.
+
+"Would you like a lift?" asked Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"No," said the man shortly. "I know _how_ to handle trunks, I do,"
+and it certainly seemed that he did, for he swung it to his back
+with all the grace of a Sandow, and started off with it. Mr. Fenelby
+looked at him with surprise.
+
+"Now, isn't that one of the oddities of nature?" said Mr. Fenelby.
+"That fellow looks as if he had no strength at all, and see how he
+carries off that trunk as if there was not a thing in it. I suppose
+it is a knack he has. Now, see how hard it is for me merely to lift
+one end of this smallest one."
+
+But before he could touch it Kitty had grasped him by the arm.
+
+"Oh, don't try it!" she cried. "Please don't! You might hurt your
+back."
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+BILLY
+
+
+A few minutes before noon the next day Billy Fenelby dropped into
+Mr. Fenelby's office in the city and the two men went out to lunch
+together. It would be hard to imagine two brothers more unlike than
+Thomas and William Fenelby, for if Thomas Fenelby was inclined to be
+small in stature and precise in his manner, William was all that his
+nickname of Billy implied, and was not so many years out of his
+college foot-ball eleven, where he had won a place because of his
+size and strength. Billy Fenelby, after having been heroized by
+innumerable girls during his college years, had become definitely a
+man's man, and was in the habit of saying that his girly-girl days
+were over, and that he would walk around a block any day to escape
+meeting a girl. He was not afraid of girls, and he did not hate
+them, but he simply held that they were not worth while. The truth
+was that he had been so petted and worshiped by them as a star
+foot-ball player that the attention they paid him, as an ordinary
+young man not unlike many other young men out of college, seemed
+tame by comparison. No doubt he had come to believe, during his
+college days, that the only interesting thing a girl could do was to
+admire a man heartily, and in the manner that only foot-ball players
+and matinee idols are admired, so that now, when he had no
+particular claim to admiration, girls had become, so far as he was
+concerned, useless affairs.
+
+"Now, about this girl-person that you have over at your house," he
+said to his brother, when they were seated at their lunch, "what
+about her?"
+
+"About her?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "How do you mean?"
+
+"What about her?" repeated Billy. "You know how I feel about the
+girl-business. I suppose she is going to stay awhile?"
+
+"Kitty? I think so. We want her to. But you needn't bother about
+Kitty. She won't bother you a bit. She's the right sort, Billy. Not
+like Laura, of course, for I don't believe there is another woman
+anywhere just like Laura, but Kitty is not the ordinary flighty
+girl. You should hear her appreciate Bobberts. She saw his good
+points, and remarked about them, at once, and the way she has caught
+the spirit of the Domestic Tariff that I was telling you about is
+fine! Most girls would have hemmed and hawed about it, but she
+didn't! No, sir! She just saw what a fine idea it was, and when she
+saw that she couldn't afford to have her three trunks brought into
+the house she proposed that she leave them at a neighbor's. Did not
+make a single complaint. Don't worry about Kitty."
+
+"That is all right about the tariff," said Billy. "I can't say I
+think much of that tariff idea myself, but so long as it is the
+family custom a guest couldn't do any less than live up to it. But I
+don't like the idea of having to spend a number of weeks in the same
+house with any girl. They are all bores, Tom, and I know it. A man
+can't have any comfort when there is a girl in the house. And
+between you and me that Kitty girl looks like the kind that is sure
+to be always right at a fellow's side. I was wondering if Laura
+would think it was all right if I stayed in town here?"
+
+"No, she wouldn't," said Tom shortly. "She would be offended, and so
+would I. If you are going to let some nonsense about girls being a
+bore,--which is all foolishness--keep you away from the house, you
+had better--Why," he added, "it is an insult to us--to Laura and
+me--just as if you said right out that the company we choose to ask
+to our home was not good enough for you to associate with. If you
+think our house is going to bore you--"
+
+"Now, look here, old man," said Billy, "I don't mean that at all,
+and you know I don't. I simply don't like girls, and that is all
+there is to it. But I'll come. I'll have my trunk sent over
+and--Say, do I have to pay duty on what I have in my trunk?"
+
+"Certainly," said Mr. Fenelby. "That is, of course, if you want to
+enter into the spirit of the thing. It is only ten per cent., you
+know, and it all goes into Bobberts' education fund."
+
+Billy sat in silent thought awhile.
+
+"I wonder," he said at length, "how it would do if I just put a few
+things into my suit-case--enough to last me a few days at a
+time--and left my trunk over here. I don't need everything I brought
+in that trunk. I was perfectly reckless about putting things in that
+trunk. I put into that trunk nearly everything I own in this world,
+just because the trunk was so big that it would hold everything, and
+it seemed a pity to bring a big trunk like that with nothing in it
+but air. Now, I could take my suit-case and put into it the things I
+will really need--"
+
+"Certainly," said Mr. Fenelby. "You can do that if you want to, and
+it would be perfectly fair to Bobberts. All Bobberts asks is to be
+paid a duty on what enters the house. He don't say what shall be
+brought in, or what shall not. Personally, Billy, I would call the
+duty off, so far as you are concerned, but I don't think Laura would
+like it. We started this thing fair, and we are all living up to it.
+Laura made Kitty live up to it and you can see it would not be right
+for me to make an exception in your case just because you happen to
+be my brother."
+
+"No," agreed Billy, "it wouldn't. I don't ask it. I will play the
+game and I will play it fair. All I ask is: If I bring a suit-case,
+do I have to pay on the case? Because if I do, I won't bring it. I
+can wrap all I need in a piece of paper, and save the duty on the
+suit-case. I believe in playing fair, Tom, but that is no reason why
+I should be extravagant."
+
+"I think," said Tom, doubtfully, "suit-cases should come in free. Of
+course, if it was a brand new suit-case it would have to pay duty,
+but an old one--one that has been used--is different. It is like
+wrapping-paper. The duty is assessed on what the package contains
+and not on the package itself. If it is not a new suit-case you
+will not have to pay duty on it."
+
+"Then my suit-case will go in free," said Billy. "It is one of the
+first crop of suit-cases that was raised in this country, and I
+value it more as a relic than as a suit-case. I carry it more as a
+souvenir than as a suit-case."
+
+"Souvenirs are different," said Mr. Fenelby. "Souvenirs are classed
+as luxuries, and pay thirty per cent. If you consider it a souvenir
+it pays duty."
+
+"I will consider it a suit-case," said Billy promptly. "I will
+consider it a poor old, worn-out suit-case."
+
+"I think that would be better," agreed Mr. Fenelby. "But we will
+have to wait and see what Laura considers it."
+
+As on the previous evening the ladies were on the porch, enjoying
+the evening air, when Mr. Fenelby reached home, with Billy in tow,
+and Billy greeted them as if he had never wished anything better
+than to meet Miss Kitty.
+
+"Where is this custom house Tom has been telling me about?" he
+asked, as soon as the hand shaking was over. "I want to have my
+baggage examined. I have dutiable goods to declare. Who is the
+inspector?"
+
+[Illustration: "'I declare one collar'"]
+
+"Laura is," said Kitty. "She is the slave of the grinding system
+that fosters monopoly and treads under heel the poor people."
+
+"All right," said Billy, "I declare one collar. I wish to bring one
+collar into the bosom of this family. I have in this suit-case one
+collar. I never travel without one extra collar. It is the
+two-for-a-quarter kind, with a name like a sleeping car, and it has
+been laundered twice, which brings it to the verge of ruin. How much
+do I have to pay on the one collar?"
+
+"Collars are a necessity," said Mrs. Fenelby, "and they pay ten
+per--"
+
+"What a notion!" exclaimed Kitty. "Collars are not a necessity.
+Collars are an actual luxury, especially in warm weather. Many very
+worthy men never wear a collar at all, and would not think of
+wearing one in hot weather. They are like jewelry or--or something
+of that sort. Collars certainly pay thirty per cent."
+
+"I reserve the right to appeal," said Billy. "Those are the words of
+an unjust judge. But how much do I take off the value of the collar
+because two thirds of its life has been laundered away? How much is
+one third of twelve and a half?"
+
+"Now, that is pure nonsense," Kitty said, "and I sha'n't let poor,
+dear little Bobberts be robbed in any such way. That collar cost
+twelve and a half cents, and it has had two and a half cents spent
+on it twice, so it is now a seventeen and a half cent collar, and
+thirty per cent. of that is--is--"
+
+"Oh, if you are going to rob me!" exclaimed Billy. "I don't care. I
+can get along without a collar. I will bring out a sweater
+to-morrow."
+
+"Sweaters pay only ten per cent.," said Kitty sweetly. "What else
+have you in your suit-case?"
+
+"Air," said Billy. "Nothing but air. I didn't think I could afford
+to bring anything else, and I will leave the collar out here. I
+open the case--I take out the collar--I place it gently on the porch
+railing--and I take the empty suit-case into the house. I pay no
+duty at all, and that is what you get for being so grasping."
+
+Mr. Fenelby shook his head.
+
+"You can't do that, Billy," he said. "That puts the suit-case in
+another class. It isn't a package for holding anything now, and it
+isn't a necessity--because you can't need an empty suit-case--so it
+doesn't go in at ten per cent., so it must be a luxury, and it pays
+thirty per cent."
+
+"That suit-case," said Billy, looking at it with a calculating eye,
+"is not worth thirty per cent. of what it is worth. It is
+worthless, and I wouldn't give ten per cent. of nothing for it. It
+stays outside. So I pay nothing. I go in free. Unless I have to pay
+on myself."
+
+"You don't have to," said Kitty, "although I suppose Laura and Tom
+think you are a luxury."
+
+"Don't you think I am one?" asked Billy.
+
+"No, I don't," said Kitty frankly, "and when you know me better, you
+will not ask such a foolish question. Where ever I am, there a young
+man is a necessity."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+THE PINK SHIRT-WAIST
+
+
+The morning after Billy Fenelby's arrival at the Fenelby home he
+awakened unusually early, as one is apt to awaken in a strange bed,
+and he lay awhile thinking over the events of the previous evening.
+He was more than ever convinced that Kitty was not the kind of girl
+he liked. He felt that she had made a bare-faced effort to flirt
+with him the evening before, and that she was just the kind of a
+girl that was apt to be troublesome to a bachelor. She was the kind
+of a girl that would demand a great deal of attention and expect it
+as a natural right, and then, when she received it, make the man
+feel that he had been attentive in quite another way, and that the
+only fair thing would be to propose. And he felt that she was the
+kind of girl that no man could propose to with any confidence
+whatever. She would be just as likely to accept him as not, and
+having accepted him, she would be just as likely to expect him to
+marry her as not. He felt that he was in a very ticklish situation.
+He saw that Kitty was the sort of girl that would take any air of
+rude indifference he might assume to be a challenge, and any comely
+polite attention to be serious love making. He saw that the only
+safe thing for him to do would be to run away, but, since he had
+seen Kitty, that was the last thing in the world that he would have
+thought of doing. He decided that he would constitute her bright
+eyes and red lips to be a mental warning sign reading "Danger" in
+large letters, and that whenever he saw them he would be as wary as
+a rabbit and yet as brave as a lion.
+
+He next felt a sincere regret that he had refused to pay the duty on
+the clean collar he had brought with him, and that he had left on
+the railing of the porch. He got out of bed and looked at the collar
+he had worn the day before, and frowned at it as he saw that it was
+not quite immaculate. Then he listened closely for any sound in the
+house that would tell him Mr. or Mrs. Fenelby were up. He heard
+nothing. He hastily slipped on his clothes, and tip-toed out of the
+room and down the stairs. This tariff for revenue only was well
+enough for Thomas and Laura, and assessing a duty of ten per cent.
+on everything that came into the house (and thirty per cent. on
+luxuries) might fill up Bobberts' bank, and provide that baby with
+an education fund, but it was an injustice to bachelor uncles when
+there was an unmarried girl in the house. If this Kitty girl was
+willing to so forget what was due to a young man as to appear in one
+dress the whole time of her stay, that was her look-out, but for his
+part he did not intend to lower his dignity by going down to
+breakfast in a soiled collar. If creeping down to the porch in his
+stockings, and bringing in that collar surreptitiously, was
+smuggling, then--
+
+Billy stopped short at the screen door. From there he could see the
+spot on the railing where he had put the collar, and the collar was
+not there! No doubt it had fallen to the lawn. He opened the screen
+door carefully and stepped outside. The early morning air was cool
+and sweet, and an ineffable quiet rested on the suburb. He tip-toed
+gently across the porch and down the porch steps, and hobbled
+carefully across the painful pebble walk and stepped upon the lawn.
+There was dew on the lawn. The lawn was soaked and saturated and
+steeped in dew. It bathed his feet in chilliness, as if he had
+stepped into a pail of ice water, and the vines that clambered up
+the porch-side were dewy too. As he kneeled on the grass and pawed
+among the vines, seeking the missing collar, the vines showered down
+the crystal drops upon him, and soaked his sleeves, and added a
+finishing touch of ruin to the collar he was wearing. The other
+collar was not there! It was not among the vines, it was not on the
+lawn, it was not on the porch, and soaked in socks and sleeves he
+retreated. He paused a minute on the porch to glance thoughtfully at
+the moist foot-prints his feet left on the boards, and wondered if
+they would be dry before Tom or Laura came down. At any rate there
+was no help for it now, and he went up the stairs again.
+
+The most uncomfortable small discomfort is wet socks, whether they
+come from a small hole in the bottom of a shoe or from walking on a
+lawn in the early morning, and Billy wiggled his toes as he slowly
+and carefully climbed the stairs. As he turned the last turn at the
+top he stopped short and blushed. Kitty was standing there awaiting
+him, a smile on her face and his other collar in her hand. She laid
+her finger on her lip, and tapped it there to command silence, and
+raised her brows at him, to let him know that she knew where he had
+been and why.
+
+"I thought you would want it," she said in the faintest whisper, "so
+I smuggled it in last night. I had no idea _you_ would stoop to
+such a thing, but--but I felt so sorry for you, without a collar."
+
+"Thanks!" whispered Billy. It was a masterpiece of whispering, that
+word. It was a gruff whisper, warding off familiarity, and yet it
+was a grateful whisper, as a whisper should be to thank a pretty
+girl for a favor done, but still it was a scoffing whisper, with a
+tinge of resentfulness, but resentfulness tempered by courtesy.
+Underlying all this was a flavor of independence, but not such crude
+independence that it killed the delicate tone that implied that the
+hearer of the whisper was a very pretty girl, and that that fact
+was granted even while her interference in the whisperer's affairs
+was misliked, and her suspicions of dishonest acts on his part
+considered uncalled for. If he did not quite succeed in getting all
+this crowded into the one word it was doubtless because his feet
+were so wet and uncomfortable. Billy was rather conscious that he
+had not quite succeeded, and he would have tried again, adding this
+time an inflection to mean that he well understood that her object
+was to get him into a quasi conspiracy and thus draw him irrevocably
+into confidential relations of misdemeanor from which he could not
+escape, but that he refused to be so drawn--I say he would have
+repeated the word, but a sound in one of the bed-rooms close at hand
+sent them both tip-toeing to their rooms.
+
+They had hardly reached safety when the door of Mr. Fenelby's room
+opened and Mr. Fenelby stole out quietly, stole as quietly down the
+stairs and out upon the porch. He looked at the railing where Billy
+had left the collar, and then he peered over the railing, and as
+silently stole up the stairs again. He paused at Billy's door and
+tapped on it. Billy opened it a mere hint of a crack.
+
+"What is it?" he whispered.
+
+"That collar," whispered Mr. Fenelby. "I thought about it all night,
+and I didn't think it right that you should be made to do without
+it. I just went down, to get it, but it isn't there."
+
+"Never mind," whispered Billy. "Don't worry, old man. I will wear
+the one I have."
+
+Mr. Fenelby hesitated.
+
+"Of course," he whispered, "you won't--That is to say, you needn't
+tell Laura I went down--"
+
+"Certainly not," whispered Billy. "It was awfully kind of you to
+think of it. But I'll make this one do."
+
+Mr. Fenelby waited at the door a moment longer as if he had
+something more to say, but Billy had closed the door, and he went
+back to his room.
+
+It was with relief that Bridget heard the door close behind Mr.
+Fenelby. She had been standing on the little landing of the
+back-stairs, where he had almost caught her as she was coming up. If
+she had been one step higher he would have seen her head. Usually
+she would not have minded this, for she had a perfect right to be on
+the back-stairs in the early morning, but this time she felt that it
+was her duty to remain undiscovered. Now that Mr. Fenelby was gone
+she softly stepped to Billy's door and knocked lightly.
+
+"Misther Billy, sor, are ye there?" she whispered. Billy opened the
+door a crack and looked out.
+
+"Mornin' to ye," she said in a hoarse whisper. "I'm sorry t'
+disthurb ye, but Missus Fenelby axed me t' bring up th' collar ye
+left on th' porrch railin', an' t' let no wan know I done it, an' I
+just wanted t' let ye know th' reason I have not brung it up is
+because belike someone else has brang it already, for it is gone."
+
+"Thank you, Bridget," whispered Billy. "It doesn't matter."
+
+She turned away, but when he had closed the door she paused, and
+after hesitating a moment she tapped on his door again. He opened
+it.
+
+"I have put me foot in it," she said, "like I always do. W'u'd ye be
+so good as t' fergit I mentioned th' name of Missus Fenelby, that's
+a dear man? I raymimber now I was not t' mention it t' ye."
+
+"Certainly, Bridget," said Billy, and he closed the door and went
+again to the window, where he was turning his socks over and over in
+the streak of sunlight that warmed a part of the window sill.
+
+It took the socks a little longer to dry than he had thought it
+would, and they were still damp enough to make his feet feel
+anything but comfortable when he heard the breakfast bell tinkle
+faintly. He hurried the rest of his toilet and went down the stairs,
+assuming as he went the air of unsuspected innocence that is the
+inborn right of every man who knows he has done wrong. The bodily
+Billy was more conscious of the discomfort of his feet, but the
+mental Billy was all collar. He had never known a collar to be so
+obtrusive. He felt that he must seem all collar, even to the most
+casual eye, but he was upheld by the belief that no one would dare
+to mention collar to him in public. If he had sinned he was not the
+only sinner, for he was but a partner in conspiracy. He walked down
+the stairs boldly.
+
+"And to think that his vanity should be the cause of robbing poor
+little Bobberts," he heard a clear voice say as he neared the
+dining room door. "It is too mean! I can never look up to man with
+the faith I have always had in man, after this. But I know they were
+his foot-prints, Laura."
+
+"Are you so sure, Kitty?" asked Mrs. Fenelby. "Mightn't they
+be--mightn't they be Bridget's?"
+
+"They were not," said the voice of Kitty, and Billy paused where he
+was and stood still. "Bridget does not go about in the wet grass in
+her stocking feet. Those were Billy's tracks on the porch. I am no
+Sherlock Holmes, but I can tell you just what he did. He stole down
+before we were awake, to look for that collar, and he did not find
+it on the railing where he had left it. Then he saw it where it had
+fallen and he went down on the wet lawn and got it. Watch him when
+he comes in to breakfast. He will be wearing a collar, and it will
+not be the one he wore last night."
+
+Billy turned and tip-toed softly up the stairs again, undoing his
+tie as he went. When he came down his neck was neatly, but
+informally swathed in a white handkerchief. Three pairs of eyes
+watched him as he entered, but he faced them unflinchingly. Mr. and
+Mrs. Fenelby let their eyes drop before his glance, but Kitty met
+his gaze with a challenge. There was nothing of treachery in her
+face, and yet she had sought to betray him. He looked at her with
+greater interest than he had ever known himself to feel regarding
+any girl, and as he looked he had a startled sense that she was
+fairer than she had been, and he caught his breath quickly and began
+to talk to Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Tom," he said, after breakfast, as Mr. Fenelby was getting ready
+to leave to catch his train, "I think I'll walk over to the station
+with you. I have something I want to say to you."
+
+"Come along," said Mr. Fenelby. "But you will have to walk quickly.
+I have just time to catch my train."
+
+"Did you notice anything peculiar about Miss Kitty this morning?"
+asked Billy, when they had left the house.
+
+"Peculiar?" said Mr. Fenelby. "No, I don't think so."
+
+"Well, I don't want to make trouble, Tom," said Billy, "but I think
+I ought to speak about this thing. If it wasn't serious I wouldn't
+mention it at all, but I think you ought to know what is going on in
+your own house. I think you ought to know what kind of a girl Miss
+Kitty is, so that you can be on your guard. Now, you went down to
+get that collar for me, didn't you?"
+
+"I wish you wouldn't mention that," said Mr. Fenelby with some
+annoyance.
+
+"Oh, I know all about that," said Billy, warmly. "You say that
+because you don't like to be thanked for all these nice, thoughtful
+things you do for a fellow. But I do thank you--just as much as if
+you had found the collar and had brought it up to me. That was all
+right. You would have paid the duty on it, and that would have been
+all right. But what do you think Miss Kitty did? Why do you think
+you could not find that collar? Do you know what she did? She
+brought that collar into the house--smuggled it in--and she had the
+nerve, the actual nerve, to give it to me. And I took it. I couldn't
+do anything else, could I, when a girl offered it to me? I couldn't
+say I wouldn't take it, could I? I had to be a gentleman about it.
+And then she tried to get me into trouble by telling you I would
+come down to breakfast wearing that collar. She tried to make out
+that I was a smuggler."
+
+"I suppose it was just a bit of fun," said Mr. Fenelby. "Girls are
+that way, some of them."
+
+"Well, I want it understood that that collar is in the house, and
+that I didn't bring it in," said Billy, "and that if this Domestic
+Tariff business is to be carried out fairly it is Miss Kitty's
+business to pay the duty on it. I want to set myself right with you.
+But the thing I wanted to speak about was far more serious. Do you
+know what she had on this morning?"
+
+"What she had on?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "What did she have on?"
+
+"She had on a pink shirt-waist," said Billy fiercely. "That is what
+she had on. Right at breakfast there, in plain sight of everyone. A
+pink shirt-waist!"
+
+"Well, that's all right, isn't it?" asked Mr. Fenelby, doubtfully.
+"It's proper to wear a pink shirt-waist at breakfast, isn't it? I
+think Laura wears shirt-waists at breakfast sometimes. I'm sure it's
+all right. An informal home breakfast like that."
+
+"But it was pink," insisted Billy. "I looked right at it, and I
+know. Real pink. You wouldn't notice it, because you are so honest
+yourself, and so confiding, but I noticed it the first thing. Now
+what do you think of your Miss Kitty? What do you say to that--a
+girl coming right down to breakfast in a pink shirt-waist, right
+before the whole family?"
+
+"I--I don't know what to say," faltered Mr. Fenelby, and this was
+the truth, for he did not.
+
+"Well, what would you say if I told you that she had on a white
+shirt-waist last evening--a white one with fluffy stuff all around
+the collar?" asked Billy. "Wouldn't you say that that proved it?"
+
+"I don't see anything wrong in that," said Mr. Fenelby. "What does
+it prove?"
+
+"It proves that she has two shirt-waists," said Billy, seriously,
+"that is what it proves. Two shirt-waists, a white one and a pink
+one, one for dinner and one for breakfast. I don't blame you for not
+noticing it, but I am strong that way. I notice colors and trimmings
+and all that sort of thing. And I tell you she has two. I saw them
+both and I know it. If that isn't serious I don't know what is."
+
+"Well?" said Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"Well," echoed Billy, "she is only supposed to have one. She only
+paid duty on one, and she has two. That is what I call real
+smuggling. And nobody knows how many more she has. Dozens for all I
+know. Imagine her talking about my one poor old last year's collar,
+and then flaunting around in two shirt-waists right before our eyes.
+I call that pretty serious. I'm going to watch her. You can't be
+here all day to do it, but I haven't anything else to do, and I'm
+going to stay right around her all day and find out about this
+thing."
+
+"If you don't want to--" began Mr. Fenelby, remembering Billy's
+protestations of dislike for girls.
+
+"I'll do my duty by you and Bobberts, old man," said Billy,
+generously.
+
+"I was only going to say that Laura could look out for that sort of
+thing," said Mr. Fenelby. "I might say a word to her."
+
+"Well, now, I didn't like to bring that part of it up," said Billy,
+"but since you mention it, I guess I had better say the whole thing.
+It isn't natural that a woman shouldn't notice what another woman
+has on, is it? They are all keen on that sort of thing. I don't say
+Laura is standing in with Kitty on this shirt-waist smuggling. I
+suppose it worries her terribly to see Kitty smuggling clothes in
+right under her nose, but how can Laura say anything about it? Kitty
+is her guest, isn't she? You leave it to me!"
+
+Just then they reached the station and the train arrived and Mr.
+Fenelby jumped aboard, and as it pulled out Billy turned and walked
+back to the house.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+BRIDGET
+
+
+When the Commonwealth of Bobberts had adopted the Fenelby Domestic
+Tariff it had been Mrs. Fenelby's duty to inform Bridget of it, and
+to explain it to her, and for two days Mrs. Fenelby worried about
+it. It was only by exercising the most superhuman wiles that a
+servant could be persuaded to sojourn in the suburb. To hold one in
+thrall it was necessary to practice the most consummate diplomacy.
+The suburban servant knows she is a rare and precious article, and
+she is apt to be headstrong and independent, and so she must be
+driven with a tight rein and strong hand, and yet she is so apt to
+leave at a moment's notice if anything offends her, that she must be
+driven with a light rein and a hand as light and gentle as a bit of
+thistledown floating on a zephyr. This is a hard combination to
+attain. It is like trying to drive a skittish and headstrong horse,
+densely constructed of lamp-chimneys and window glass, down a rough
+cobble-stoned hill road. If given the rein the glass horse will dash
+madly to flinders, and if the rein is held taut the horse's glass
+head will snap off and the whole business go to crash. No juggler
+keeping alternate cannon-balls and feathers in the air ever
+exercised greater nicety of calculation than did Mrs. Fenelby in her
+act of at once retaining and restraining Bridget.
+
+To go boldly into the kitchen and announce to Bridget that she would
+hereafter be expected to pay into Bobberts' bank ten per cent. of
+the value of every necessity and thirty per cent. of the value of
+every luxury she brought into the house was the last thing that Mrs.
+Fenelby would have thought of doing. There were bits in that rough
+sketch of human nature known as Bridget's character that did not
+harmonize with the idea. There had been nothing said, when Bridget
+had been engaged, about a domestic tariff. Paying one is not usually
+considered a part of a general house-worker's duties, and Mrs.
+Fenelby felt that it would be poor policy to break this news to
+Bridget too abruptly. She used diplomacy.
+
+"Bridget," she said, kindly, "we are very well satisfied with the
+way you do your work. We like you very well indeed."
+
+"Thank ye, ma'am," answered Bridget, "and I'm glad to hear ye say it,
+though it makes little odds t' me. I do the best I know how, ma'am,
+and if ye don't like the way I do, there is plenty of other ladies
+would be glad t' get me."
+
+"But we do like the way you do," said Mrs. Fenelby eagerly. "We are
+perfectly satisfied--perfectly!"
+
+"From th' way ye started off," said Bridget, with a shrug of her
+shoulders, "I thought ye was goin' t' give me th' bounce. Some does
+it that way."
+
+"No, indeed," Mrs. Fenelby assured her. "Especially not as you take
+such an interest in dear little Bobberts. You seem to like him as
+well as if he was your own little brother. Did I tell you what Mr.
+Fenelby had planned for him?"
+
+"Somethin' t' make more worrk for me, is it?" asked Bridget
+suspiciously.
+
+"Not at all!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "It is just about his education;
+about when he gets old enough to go to college."
+
+"'Twill be a long time from now before then," said Bridget. "I can
+see it has nawthin' to do with me."
+
+"But that is just it," said Mrs. Fenelby. "It has something to do
+with you--and with all of us. With everyone in this house. You love
+little Bobberts so much that you will be glad to help in his
+education."
+
+"Will I?" said Bridget in a way that was not too encouraging.
+
+"Yes, I know you will," Mrs. Fenelby chirped cheerfully, "because it
+is the cutest plan. I know you will be so interested in it. Mr.
+Fenelby thought of it himself, and he told me to tell you about it,
+because, really, you know, you are just like one of the family--"
+
+"Barring I have t' be in at ten o'clock and have t' sleep in th'
+attic," Bridget interposed. "And don't eat with th' family. And a
+few other differences. But go ahead and tell me what is th' extry
+worrk."
+
+"Well, it isn't extra work at all," said Mrs. Fenelby reassuringly.
+"It is just a way we thought of to raise money to pay for Bobberts'
+education. It is like a government and taxes, and everybody in the
+family pays part of the taxes--"
+
+"I was wonderin' why I was one of the family so much, all of a
+suddent," said Bridget. "I thought something was comin'. I notice
+that whenever I get to be one of th' family, ma'am, where ever I
+happen t' be workin', something comes. But it never has been taxes
+before. It is a new one to me, taxes is."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby explained as clearly as she could the meaning and
+method of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and its simple schedule of
+rates, and Bridget listened attentively. Mrs. Fenelby expected an
+explosion, and was prepared for it.
+
+"I'm sure I'm much obliged t' ye, Missus Fenelby," said Bridget,
+sarcastically, "an' 'tis a great honor ye are doin' me t' take me
+into th' family this way, but 'tis agin me principles t' be one of
+th' family on sixteen dollars a month when there is tariffs in th'
+same family. I'm thinkin' I'll stay outside th' family, ma'am. An' if
+ye will kindly let me past, I'll go up an' be packin' up me trunk."
+
+"But Bridget," Mrs. Fenelby said, quickly, "I am not through yet. I
+knew you couldn't afford to pay the--the tariff. I didn't expect you
+to, out of your wages. And if you had just waited a minute I was
+going to tell you that, seeing that you will be out of pocket by the
+tariff, I am going to pay you eighteen dollars a month after this."
+
+"Well, of course," said Bridget with a sweet smile, "I was only
+jokin' about me trunk."
+
+So that was all settled, and Mrs. Fenelby felt at ease, but she did
+not think it necessary to tell her husband about the extra two
+dollars a month. It came out of her housekeeping money, and she
+could economize a little on something else.
+
+"Laura," said her husband that evening, "have you spoken to Bridget
+about the tariff yet?"
+
+"Yes, dear," she answered, and he said that was right, and that she
+must see that Bridget lived up to it. But he did not tell her that
+he had interviewed Bridget while Mrs. Fenelby was upstairs a few
+minutes before, nor that he had privately agreed with Bridget to pay
+her two dollars a month extra out of his own pocket provided she
+accepted the Fenelby Domestic Tariff, and abided by it, just as if
+she was one of the family. Neither did Bridget think it worth while
+to mention it to Mrs. Fenelby. From the time she was informed of the
+existence of the tariff up to the arrival of Kitty Bridget paid into
+Bobberts' bank twenty cents. This was the duty on a two dollar hat
+that even the most critical mind could not have called a luxury, and
+there Bridget's payments seemed to stop. She did not seem to feel
+the need of making any purchases just then.
+
+"Kitty, dear," said Mrs. Fenelby, gently, the morning of the damp
+foot-prints on the porch, after the men had started for the station,
+"that is a pretty shirt-waist you have on this morning."
+
+"Do you like it?" asked Kitty, innocently. "Don't you think it is a
+little tight across the shoulders?"
+
+"No," said Mrs. Fenelby. "And I like this skirt better than the one
+you were wearing yesterday."
+
+There was no mistaking the meaning of that. The way Mrs. Fenelby
+bowed over the bit of sewing she had taken up was evidence that she
+had suspicion in her mind. Kitty clasped her hands behind her back
+and laughed.
+
+"You have been looking into my closet!" she declared. "You sit there
+and try to look innocent, and you know everything that I have, down
+to the last ribbon! Well, I just can't afford to pay your old
+tariff. It would simply ruin me. And the men will never know,
+anyway. They don't notice such things. I could wear a different
+dress every day, and they wouldn't know it."
+
+"But I know it," said Laura, reprovingly. "Do you think it is right,
+Kitty, to smuggle things into the house that way? Is it fair to
+Bobberty?"
+
+"There!" exclaimed Kitty, dropping a jingling coin into Bobberts'
+bank. "There is a quarter for him! That is every cent I can afford."
+
+"That wouldn't pay the duty on one single shirt-waist," said Laura,
+quietly.
+
+"It wouldn't," admitted Kitty, frankly, bending over Laura and
+taking her face in her hands. She turned the face upward and looked
+in its eyes. Then she bent down and whispered in Laura's ear, and
+laughed as a blush suffused Laura's face.
+
+"I was short of money," said Laura with dignity, "and I mean to pay
+the duty as soon as I get my next week's allowance. I simply had to
+have a new purse, and you coaxed me to buy it. It wasn't smuggling
+at all."
+
+"Wasn't it?" asked Kitty. "Then why did you ask me to leave it in
+my room, instead of showing it to Tom? Smuggler!"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby arose and walked away. She turned to the kitchen and
+opened the door. She was just in time to see Bridget lower a bottle
+from her lips and hastily conceal it behind her skirts.
+
+"Bridget!" she exclaimed sharply, with horror.
+
+"'Tis th' doctor's orders, ma'am," said Bridget. "'Tis for me cold."
+
+She coughed as well as she could, but it was not a very successful
+cough. Mrs. Fenelby hesitated a moment, and then she pointed to the
+door.
+
+"You may pack your trunk, Bridget," she said, and Bridget jerked off
+her apron and stamped out of the kitchen.
+
+"But perhaps the poor thing was taking it by her doctor's orders,"
+suggested Kitty, when Mrs. Fenelby, red eyed, went into the front
+rooms again.
+
+"She'll have to go," said Mrs. Fenelby, dolefully. "I can't have a
+drinking servant where poor, dear Bobberts is. But that isn't what
+makes me feel so badly. It is to think how that girl has deceived
+me. I treated her just as I would treat one of the family, and she
+pretended to be so fond of Bobberts, and so interested in his
+education, and so eager to help his fund, and here she has been
+smuggling liquor into the house all the time."
+
+She wiped her eyes and sighed.
+
+"And liquor is a luxury, and pays thirty per cent.," she said sadly.
+"I don't know who to trust when I can't trust a girl like Bridget.
+She should have paid the duty the minute she brought the stuff into
+the house. It just shows that you can't place any reliance on that
+class."
+
+Kitty nodded assent.
+
+"You'll have to pay her," she said. "Shall I run up and get your
+purse?"
+
+She went, and as she reached the hall, Billy entered. He gazed at
+Kitty's garments closely, making mental note of them for future
+comparisons, and as he stood aside to let her pass he held one hand
+carefully out of sight behind him. It held a package--an oblong
+package, sharply rectangular in shape. A close observer would have
+said it was a box such as contains fifty cigars when it is full, but
+it was not full. Billy had taken one of the cigars out when he made
+the purchase at the station cigar store.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+THE AMATEUR DETECTIVE
+
+
+When Billy Fenelby had taken his box of cigars up to his room he
+came down again, but he did not go anywhere near Bobberts' bank, as
+he should have gone had he intended depositing in it the thirty per
+cent. of the value of the cigars, which was the duty due on cigars
+under the provisions of the Fenelby Domestic Tariff. He walked out
+to the veranda and got into the hammock and began to read the
+morning paper.
+
+From time to time he let it hang down over the edge of the hammock,
+as if it bored him, and he glanced at the door as if he hoped
+someone would come out of the house. The paper was not very
+interesting that morning, and Billy had other things to think of. He
+had volunteered to keep an eye on Kitty, and to find out definitely,
+if he could, whether she was smuggling shirt-waists and other
+things--or had already smuggled them--into the house, contrary to
+the provisions of the tariff. He felt that the more he saw of girls
+the less he liked them, and that the more he saw of Kitty,
+particularly, the less he fancied her, but if he was going to do
+this amateur detective business he wanted to begin it as soon as
+possible, and he watched the door closely. He wanted to see whether
+Kitty would still wear the pink shirt-waist she had worn at
+breakfast, or the white one she had worn the evening before, or
+whether she would dare to wear another.
+
+The sudden departure of Bridget had upset the domestic affairs
+somewhat, and Kitty and Mrs. Fenelby were busy in the kitchen, but
+after the dishes were washed, and the rooms set to rights, and the
+beds made, and Bobberts given his bath, Kitty came out. It had been
+a long and tedious morning for Billy. There is nothing so helpless
+as a detective who can't work at his business of detecting, and when
+the job is to detect a pretty girl, and she won't show up, the
+waiting is rather tiresome. At one time Billy was almost tempted to
+go in and ask her to come out, and he would probably have gone in
+and snooped around a bit, if she had not appeared just then.
+
+Kitty came out with all the brazen effrontery of a hardened
+criminal. That is to say she came out singing, and with her hair
+perfectly in order, and looking in every way fresh and charming.
+Billy recognized this immediately as the wile of a malefactor trying
+to throw an officer of the law off the scent, but he was not to be
+discouraged by it, and he jumped out of the hammock and went up to
+her. She still wore the pink shirt-waist, and it was very becoming.
+She looked just as well in it as if she had paid the lawful ten per
+cent. duty on it. It is not the duty that makes that kind of a
+shirt-waist pretty; it is the way it is made, and the trimming. The
+girl that is in it helps some, too. It is a fact that a shirt-waist
+looks entirely different on different girls. You have to consider
+the girl and her shirt-waist together, as a whole or unit, if you
+are going to be able to recognize it when you see it again, and
+Billy was ready to consider it that way. If he ever saw that pink
+confection with that saucy chin and merry face above it again he
+meant to be able to recognize the combination. That is one of the
+duties of a detective.
+
+"Let's go out under the tree," he said, "and sit down, and--and talk
+it over. I have something I want to talk about."
+
+"Talk it over," said Kitty, lifting her eyebrows. "Talk what over?"
+
+You couldn't nonplus Billy that way, when he was in pursuit of his
+duty.
+
+"Well," he said, "we--that is, I didn't thank you for bringing me up
+that collar this morning. I want to thank you for it."
+
+"Yes?" said Kitty. "Well, here I am. Thank me. You did thank me
+once, but I don't care. Do it again."
+
+"Thank you," said Billy.
+
+"You're welcome," Kitty said, and then they both laughed.
+
+"What do you think of this Domestic Tariff business?" asked Billy,
+seeking to lead her into some admission of which he could make use
+as proof of her smuggling.
+
+"I think it is a simply splendid idea!" Kitty declared. "I am sure
+no one but Tom could have thought of it, and the very minute I heard
+of it I went into it body and soul. It was so clever of him to
+conceive such an idea, and such a simple way to build up an
+education fund for dear, sweet, little Bobberts! And isn't it nice
+of Tom and Laura to let us be in it and pay our share of the duty.
+It makes us feel so much more as if we were really part of the
+family."
+
+"Doesn't it?" said Billy. "It makes us feel as if we had a right to
+be here--when we pay duty and all that. I feel like bringing in a
+lot of stuff just so that I can pay duty on it. I was thinking
+about it this morning, and about that little joke of mine about not
+bringing in that collar last night, and I felt what I had missed by
+leaving it out on the porch, so I got up and went down for it. That
+was how you happened to meet me in the hall--I wanted to get it and
+bring it in so I could pay the duty, and be in the fun myself. You
+don't think I was going to smuggle it in, do you?"
+
+"Oh, no!" said Kitty, with a long-drawn o. "Nobody would be so mean
+as to smuggle anything into the house, when the duty all goes to
+dear little Bobberts. It is such fun to pay duty, just as if the
+house was a real nation. It is like being part of the nation, and
+you know we women are not that. We can't vote, nor anything, and a
+chance like this is so rare that we enjoy it immensely. You didn't
+think it was queer that I should go down so early in the morning to
+get your collar and bring it in, did you?"
+
+"Well, of course," said Billy, doubtfully, "it wasn't your collar,
+you know. It was my collar."
+
+"I know it was," Kitty admitted frankly, "but you know how little we
+women can bring into the house. Hardly anything. We shop and shop,
+but we hardly ever really buy anything, and all the time I am just
+crazy to be paying duty, and to know whether it is ten per cent. or
+thirty per cent., and all that, as if I was a man, and so, when I
+happened to think of that collar that you had left down here on the
+porch railing, I saw it was my chance, and I decided to come down
+and get it and bring it into the house, so I could have the fun of
+paying the duty on it. So I came down and got it. And just as I
+reached the landing on my way up I met you, and I was so surprised
+that I just handed the collar to you."
+
+"Of course," said Billy. "That was just the way it was, except that
+_I_ had just reached the landing on _my_ way up, when you handed me
+the collar. _You_ couldn't have just reached the landing, because if
+you had we would have been going up the stairs together, side by
+side, and we were not doing that. _I_ was going up the stairs, and
+just as I reached the landing you came from somewhere and handed me
+the collar."
+
+"Isn't that what I said?" asked Kitty sweetly. "It amounts to the
+same thing, anyway, doesn't it? I had the collar, and you got it. I
+suppose you paid the duty on it?"
+
+"Me?" said Billy. "Not much! I didn't bring it into the house; you
+brought it in. You have to pay the duty."
+
+"I pay the duty on your collar?" laughed Kitty. "Well, I should
+think I would not! I went down and got it for you, and that was
+nothing but an act of kindness that anybody would do for anybody
+else. You can pay your own duties."
+
+"Oh, I sha'n't pay a duty on it!" scoffed Billy. "I didn't want the
+collar. I didn't need it, and I refused to bring it into the house
+on principle. I don't believe in tariff duties. I'm a free trader. I
+wouldn't smuggle, and I wouldn't pay duty, and so I left it outside.
+You should have left it there. You didn't leave it there, and so it
+is your duty to pay the duty."
+
+"Never!" declared Kitty.
+
+For a few minutes they were silent, and Billy looked glumly at the
+street. Then he cheered up suddenly. He looked at Kitty and smiled.
+
+"I'll tell you what let's do!" he exclaimed. "Let's go out under the
+tree and talk it over. We'll go out under the tree and talk it all
+over. That is the only way we can settle it."
+
+"It is settled now," said Kitty. "I don't think it needs any more
+settling."
+
+Billy beamed upon her cheerfully.
+
+"Well," he said, "let's go out under the tree and--and unsettle it."
+
+For a moment Kitty seemed to hesitate, but that was only for Billy's
+good, lest he think she yielded to his whims too readily. Then she
+went, and draped herself gracefully upon the sweet, dry grass, and
+Billy sat himself cross-legged near her.
+
+"Now, what do you think of this Domestic Tariff business, anyway?"
+he asked.
+
+"I think it is the silliest thing I ever heard of," said Kitty
+frankly. "I never heard of a man with real sense conceiving such a
+thing. As if such a lot of nonsense is needed to save a few dollars
+for an education that isn't to come about for sixteen years or so!
+And the idea of making his guests pay the duty too! It is the most
+unhospitable thing I ever heard of!"
+
+"Isn't it?" agreed Billy, promptly. "It makes us feel as if we had
+no right to be here. A man can't afford to bring even the things he
+needs, when he has to pay that exorbitant duty on everything. And it
+is so much worse on you. Now I can get along with very little. A man
+can, you know. But how is a girl going to do without all the things
+she is accustomed to? I believe," he said, confidentially lowering
+his voice and glancing at the house, "I believe, if I were a girl,
+I would be tempted to smuggle in the things I really needed."
+
+"Would you?" asked Kitty, sweetly. "But then you men have different
+ideas of such things, don't you? You don't think a girl would do
+such a thing, do you? Would you advise it? I don't know whether--how
+would you go about smuggling, if you wanted to? But I don't believe
+it would be honest, would it?"
+
+She turned up to him two such innocent eyes that Billy almost
+blushed. There is no satisfaction in knowing a person is guilty, the
+satisfaction is in making the person look guilty, and Kitty looked
+like an innocent child questioning the face of a tempter and seeing
+guilt there. He longed to ask her outright how she happened to have
+a pink shirt-waist, but he did not dare to, lest he put her at once
+on her guard. He felt a great desire to take her by the shoulders
+and shake her out of her calm superiority. It was very trying to
+him. No girl had a right to act as if she thought herself the
+superior of any man. Just to show her how inferior she was he
+dropped the subject of the tariff entirely and began a conversation
+on Ibsen. He did not know much about Ibsen but he knew a little and
+he could lead her beyond her depths and make her feel her
+inferiority that way. Kitty listened to him with an amused smile,
+and then told him a few things about Ibsen, quoted a few
+enlightening pages from Hauptmann, routed him, slaughtered him
+gently as he fled from position to position, and ended by asking him
+if he had ever read anything of Ibsen's. It was very trying to
+Billy. This girl evidently had no respect for the superior brain of
+man whatever.
+
+"I think the lawn needs sprinkling," he said, coldly.
+
+"Do you know how it should be done?" she asked, and that was the
+final insult. Nice girls never asked such questions in such a way.
+Nice girls looked up with wonder in their eyes and said, "Oh! You
+men know how to do everything!" That settled Billy's opinion of
+Kitty! She was evidently one of these over-educated, forward,
+scheming, coquetting girls. She had not even said, "Oh! don't
+sprinkle the lawn now; stay here and talk with me." He squared his
+shoulders and marched over to the sprinkling apparatus, while she
+sat with her back against the tree and watched him. He turned on the
+water and adjusted the nozzle to a good strong flow. He wet the
+lawn at the rear of the house first, and was pulling the hose after
+him into the front lawn when Mrs. Fenelby suddenly appeared on the
+porch. She had a box of cigars in her hand, and when he saw them
+Billy jumped guiltily.
+
+"Billy!" she exclaimed, "Are these your cigars?"
+
+"Why, say!" he said, after one glance at her face on which suspicion
+was but too plainly imprinted. "Those are cigars, aren't they?
+That's a whole box of cigars, isn't it?"
+
+"It is," said Mrs. Fenelby, severely, "and I found it in your room.
+I don't remember having received any duty on a box of cigars,
+Billy. I hope you were not trying to smuggle them in. I hope you
+were not trying to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, Billy."
+
+Billy held the nozzle limply in one hand and let the stream pour
+wastefully at his feet.
+
+"That box of cigars--" he began weakly. "That box of cigars, the box
+you found in my room, well, that is a box of cigars. You see, Mrs.
+Fenelby," he continued, cautiously, "that box of cigars was up there
+in my room, and--Now, you know I wouldn't try to smuggle anything
+in, don't you? Now, I'll tell you all about it." But he didn't. He
+looked at the box thoughtfully. He saw now that he had been silly to
+buy a whole box. A man should not buy more than a handful at a time.
+
+"Well?" said Mrs. Fenelby, impatiently.
+
+"Isn't that the box you bought when you went over to the station
+with Tom this morning?" asked Kitty, sweetly. "You brought back a
+box when you returned you know."
+
+Billy turned his head and glared at her. But she only smiled at him.
+He did not dare to look Mrs. Fenelby in the eye.
+
+"Tom smokes a great deal, doesn't he?" Kitty continued lightly. "I
+wondered when you brought that box of cigars back with you if he
+hadn't asked you to bring them over for him. That was what I thought
+the moment I saw you with them."
+
+"Why, yes, of course," said Billy, with relief. "That was how it
+was. I--I didn't like to say it, you know," he assured Mrs. Fenelby,
+eagerly, "I--I didn't know just how Tom would feel about it. Tom
+will pay the duty. When he comes home this evening. He couldn't come
+home from the station--and miss his train--and all that sort of
+thing--just to pay the duty on a box of cigars, could he? So I
+brought them home. It is perfectly plain and simple! You see if he
+doesn't pay the duty as soon as he gets in the house. Tom wouldn't
+want to smuggle them in, Mrs. Fenelby. You shouldn't think he would
+do such a thing. I'm--I'm surprised that you should think that of
+Tom."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby looked at him doubtfully, and then glanced at Kitty's
+innocent face. She shook her head. It did not seem just what Tom
+would have done, but she could not deny that it might be so. She
+would know all about it when he came home in the evening. She cast a
+glance at the lawn, and uttered a cry. Billy was pouring oceans of
+water at full pressure upon her pansy bed, and the poor flowers were
+dashing madly about and straining at their roots. Some were already
+lying washed out by the roots. Billy looked, and swung the nozzle
+sharply around, and the scream that Kitty uttered told him that he
+had hit another mark. That pink shirt-waist looked disreputable.
+Water was dripping from all its laces, and from Kitty's hair, and
+her cheeks glistened with pearly drops. She was drenched.
+
+"Goodness!" she exclaimed, shaking her hanging arms and her
+down-bent head, and then glancing at Billy, who stood idiotically
+regarding her, she laughed. He was a statue of miserable regret, and
+the limply held garden hose was pouring its stream unheeded into his
+low shoes. Wet as she was, and uncomfortable, she could not refrain
+from laughing, for Billy could not have looked more guilty if she
+had been sugar and had completely melted before his eyes. Even Mrs.
+Fenelby laughed.
+
+"It doesn't matter a bit!" said Kitty, reassuringly. "Really, I
+don't mind it at all. It was nice and cool."
+
+She was very pretty, from Billy's point of view, as she stood with a
+wisp or two of wet hair coquettishly straggling over her face. Mrs.
+Fenelby would have said she looked mussy, but there is something
+strangely enticing to a man in a bit of hair wandering astray over a
+pretty face. Before marriage, that is. It quite finished Billy. He
+forgave her all just on account of those few wet, wandering locks.
+
+"I'm so sorry!" he said, with enormous contrition. "I'm awfully
+sorry. I'm--I'm mighty sorry. Really, I'm sorry."
+
+"Now, it doesn't matter a bit," said Kitty lightly. "Not a bit! I'll
+just run up and get on something dry--"
+
+"You had better shut off the water," said Mrs. Fenelby, and went
+into the house.
+
+Billy laid the hose carefully at his feet.
+
+"I say," he said, hesitatingly, to Kitty, "wear the one you had on
+last night--the white one. I--I think that one's pretty."
+
+"Oh, no!" said Kitty. "I can't wear that one. That one is all mussed
+up. I can't wear that one again. I have a lovely blue one."
+
+"No!" said Billy, whispering, and glancing suspiciously at the
+house. "Not blue! Please don't! It--it's dangerous."
+
+"Oh, but it is a dream of a waist!" said Kitty. "You wait until you
+see it."
+
+"No!" pleaded Billy again. "Not a blue one! If you wore a blue
+one I couldn't help but notice it was blue. It isn't safe. Don't
+wear a blue one, or a green one, or a brown one. Just a white one.
+Not any other color; just white. You see," he said with sudden
+confidentiality, "I'm a detective. I'm detecting for Tom. I told him
+I would, and I've got to keep my word. He has a notion someone is
+smuggling things into the house without paying the duty, and he got
+me to detect at you for him. We're suspicious about your clothes.
+There's a white waist, and this pink waist, already, and if you go
+to wearing blue ones and all sorts of colors, I can't help but
+notice it. I don't want to get you into trouble with Tom, you know."
+He hesitated a moment and then said, "You helped me out about those
+cigars."
+
+"All right!" said Kitty, cheerfully, "I'll wear a white one, but I
+think you might be color blind if you really want to help me."
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+THE FIELD OF DISHONOR
+
+
+There was a train from the city at 6:02, and Tom was not likely to
+be home on one earlier. At 5:48 Kitty and Billy and Mrs. Fenelby
+were sitting on the porch, and Bobberts was lying in a tilted-back
+rocking chair, behaving himself. It was a calm and peaceful suburban
+scene--the stillness and the loneliness and the mosquitoes were all
+present. It was the idle time when no one cares whether time flies
+or halts. Mrs. Fenelby had the table set and the cold dinner ready;
+Kitty was primped; and Billy should have had nothing in the world to
+do, but he had been opening and closing his watch every minute for
+the last half hour. He was uneasy. At 5:48 he arose and stretched
+out his arms.
+
+"I guess," he said as lazily as he could; "I guess I'll walk down
+and meet Tom. I haven't been out much to-day."
+
+There was one thing he had to do. He had to see Tom before Mrs.
+Fenelby could see him, and explain about that box of cigars. If Tom
+was to be held responsible for the duty on it Tom should at least
+know that a box of cigars had been brought into the house. It was
+absolutely necessary for Billy to see Tom, and explain a few things.
+
+"We have none of us been out enough to-day," said Mrs. Fenelby. "It
+will do us all good to walk down to the station, and we will take
+Bobberts."
+
+Billy stood still. The cheerful expression that had rested on his
+face faded. There would be a pretty lot of trouble if the whole lot
+of them went in a group, and he wondered that Kitty did not see
+this, and why she did not say something to dissuade Mrs. Fenelby
+from leaving the house. He simply had to get a few words with Tom in
+private before Mrs. Fenelby could ask her husband about the cigars.
+
+[Illustration: "When the 6:02 pulled in"]
+
+"I wouldn't advise it," said Billy, shaking his head. "No, indeed. I
+wouldn't take the chance, Laura." He walked to the end of the porch
+and peered earnestly at the western sky. It was a singularly clear
+and cloudless sky. "I'm afraid it will rain," he explained, boldly.
+"It wouldn't do to take Bobberts out and let him get rained on. It
+looks just like one of those evenings when a rain comes up all of
+a sudden. I wouldn't risk it."
+
+"Nonsense!" said Mrs. Fenelby, shortly, and she gathered the crowing
+Bobberts into her arms and started. Kitty also arose, but Billy hung
+back.
+
+"I guess I won't go," he declared. "It looks too much like rain."
+
+"Nonsense!" declared Mrs. Fenelby again. "You come right along. I
+don't believe it will rain for a week."
+
+There was nothing for him to do but to go, and he went. The three of
+them were standing on the platform when the 6:02 pulled in, and they
+looked eagerly for Mr. Fenelby, but they did not see him among the
+alighting commuters. Mr. Fenelby saw them first. He saw them before
+the train pulled up to the station, for he had been standing on the
+car platform with a box under his arm, ready to make a dash for home
+the moment the train stopped, but now he stepped back and, as the
+train slowed down, he jumped off on the opposite side of the train.
+There was a small row of evergreens on the little lawn of the
+station, and he stepped behind one of them and waited. Between the
+thin branches of the tree he could see his family, when the train
+pulled out, looking eagerly at the straggling line of commuters. The
+box he held was heavy, and he hoped the family would soon decide
+that he had missed the train, and would go home, but he saw Mrs.
+Fenelby seat herself on the waiting-bench. He saw Kitty take a seat
+beside her, and he saw Billy, after evident hesitation, take the
+seat next to Kitty. The evergreen tree was small, and the next tree
+to it was ten feet distant. He was marooned behind that tree.
+
+Mr. Fenelby instantly saw that he had done a foolish thing. He had
+that overwhelming sense of foolishness that comes to a man at times,
+when he thinks he has never done a sane and sound act in his whole
+silly life. Mr. Fenelby realized that he had been foolish when he
+had bought, on the subscription plan, a complete set of Eugene
+Field's works, bound in three-quarters levant morocco, twelve
+volumes for thirty-six dollars. He realized that although he had had
+to pay but five dollars down, to the agent, he would have to pay
+thirty per cent. of the value of the whole set, in duty, the moment
+he took the books into the house. He realized that he had been silly
+to bring the whole heavy set home at one time. He realized that he
+had been positively childish when he thought of hiding himself
+behind this miserable little tree, with this heavy box in his arms
+and six suburban stores staring him full in the face. He wondered
+what the proprietors of the six stores would think of him if they
+happened to see him hiding there behind the tree, while his whole
+family awaited him on the station platform. And then, as he happened
+to remember that one of the stores was a drug-store with a
+soda-fountain, he shuddered. Given three suburbanites on a station
+platform, and a train not due for thirty minutes for which they must
+wait, and a soda-fountain across the way, and the answer is that the
+three suburbanites will soon be in the place where the soda-fountain
+is.
+
+When Mrs. Fenelby arose Mr. Fenelby shifted the box of books into a
+more secure angle of his arm, and as the trio, and Bobberts, started
+across the track and lawn Mr. Fenelby edged cautiously around the
+tree to keep it between him and them. The trade of smuggler has ever
+been one of wild adventure and excitement.
+
+He peered at them until they entered the drug-store, and then he
+backed cautiously away, step by step, with the tree as a screen. As
+he reached the corner of the station he turned and ran, and as he
+turned he saw Billy hurry out of the drug-store and run, and Mrs.
+Fenelby and Kitty hurry out after Billy. Mr. Fenelby did not wait
+to see if they also ran. He ran all the way home, and hurried into
+the house, and up the stairs to the attic. He felt better about the
+set of Field now. He had always wanted it, and he deserved it, for
+he had waited for it long. He could hide it in the attic and bring
+it into the realm of the tariff duty one volume at a time. He felt
+his way into the fartherest corner and pushed the box under the
+rafters. It would not quite go back where he wanted it to go, for
+something was in the way of it. He pulled the other thing out. It
+was also a box. It was another box of Eugene Field in twelve
+volumes, three-quarter levant, and it was addressed to "Mrs. Thomas
+Fenelby." There had never been any duty paid on books since the
+Commonwealth of Bobberts had been established. For a moment Mr.
+Fenelby frowned angrily; then he smiled. He hid his set of Field in
+the other corner of the attic, and hurried down stairs.
+
+He expected to find Billy there, for he had seen him start to run
+when he left the drug-store, but there was no Billy in sight, and
+Mr. Fenelby seated himself in the hammock and waited. He was ready
+to receive his returning family with an easy conscience. His box was
+well hidden. When they appeared in the distance he saw that they
+were all together, Billy and the two girls and Bobberts, and Mr.
+Fenelby arose and waved his hand to them. He was ready to be merry
+and jovial, and to tease them cheerfully because they had not seen
+him when he got off the train. But Mrs. Fenelby climbed the porch
+steps with an air of anger.
+
+"Good evening," she said, coldly. "I see you are home."
+
+She laid Bobberts in the chair and faced Mr. Fenelby.
+
+"Now, I want to know what all this means!" she declared. "I think
+there is something peculiar going on in this family. Why did Billy
+run all the way down to the next station so that he could be the
+first to meet you as you came home this evening? Why did you avoid
+us at the station and hurry home this way? You may think I am
+simple, Thomas Fenelby, but I believe somebody is smuggling things
+into the house without paying the tariff duty on them! I believe you
+and Billy are conspiring to rob poor, dear little Bobberts, and I
+want to know the truth about it! I believe Kitty is in it too!"
+
+"Laura!" exclaimed Kitty, with horror, recoiling from her, while the
+two men stood sheepishly. "Why, Laura Fenelby! If you say such a
+thing I shall go right up and pack my clothes and go home!"
+
+"What clothes?" asked Mr. Fenelby, meaningly. Kitty ignored the
+insinuation.
+
+"You three should not dare to look me in the face and talk about
+smuggling," she declared. "You dare to accuse me. I would like to
+have you explain about that box upstairs first."
+
+Mr. Fenelby and Billy and Mrs. Fenelby paled. For one moment there
+was perfect silence while Kitty, with folded arms, looked at them
+scornfully. Then, with strange simultaneousness, all three opened
+their mouths and said:
+
+"I'll explain about that box!"
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+BOBBERTS INTERVENES
+
+
+Kitty stood scornfully triumphant awaiting the next words of the
+guilty trio, and three more cowed and guilt-stricken smugglers never
+faced an equally guilty accuser with such uncomfortable feelings.
+Billy was sorry he had ever tried to fabricate the story about Mr.
+Fenelby having asked him to bring the box of cigars home; Mr.
+Fenelby wished he had left the set of Eugene Field's works at the
+office, and Mrs. Fenelby was, perhaps, the most worried of all, for
+she did not know whether to admit her guilt and own that she had
+brought a set of Eugene Field into the house without paying the
+duty, or to annihilate the accusing Kitty by declaring that Kitty
+had a whole closet full of smuggled garments. It was a trying
+situation.
+
+In a drama this would have been the cue for the curtain to fall with
+a rush, ending the act and leaving the audience a space to wonder
+how the complication could ever be untangled, but on the Fenelby's
+porch there was no curtain to fall. So Bobberts fell instead.
+
+He raised his pink hands and his head, rolled over in the porch
+rocker in which he had been lying, and fell to the porch floor with
+a bump. A curtain could not have ended the scene more quickly. Never
+in his life had he been so cruelly treated as by this faithless
+rocking-chair. He had reposed his simple faith in it, and it threw
+him to earth, and then rocked joyously across him. His voice arose
+in short, piercing yells. He turned purple with rage and pain. He
+drew up his knees and simply, soulfully screamed. Up and down the
+street neighbors came out upon their verandas, napkins in hand, and
+stared wonderingly at the Fenelby porch. Kitty and Billy stood like
+a wooden Mr. and Mrs. Noah in the toy ark, but Mr. Fenelby and Laura
+sprang to Bobberts' aid and gathered him into their arms, ordering
+each other to do things, and soothing Bobberts at the same time.
+
+The Fenelby Domestic Tariff was entirely forgotten.
+
+"Well!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, when Bobberts had tapered off from
+the yells of rage to the steady weeping of injured feelings. "What
+are you standing there like two sticks for? Can't you see poor,
+dear little Bobberts is nearly killed? Why don't you do something?"
+
+There was really nothing they could do. Mr. and Mrs. Fenelby made
+such a compact crowd around Bobberts that no one else could squeeze
+in, but Kitty dropped on her knees and edged up to the crowd,
+murmuring, "Poor Bobberts! Poor Bobberts!"
+
+Billy stood awkwardly, feeling in his pockets. He had an idea that
+if he could find something to jingle before Bobberts it might be
+about the right thing to do, but his hand touched one of the
+smuggled cigars, and he withdrew it as if his fingers had been
+burnt. This poor, weeping child was the Bobberts he had been
+cheating of a few pennies. He touched Kitty diffidently on the
+shoulder.
+
+"Can't I do something?" he asked, pleadingly, and Kitty took pity on
+him.
+
+"Heat some water; very hot!" she said. She was not a baby expert,
+but she felt that hot water would not be a bad thing to have handy
+in a case like this. There is one good thing about hot water--if it
+is not wanted it does no harm, for if allowed to stand it will get
+cool again--and it pleased her to be able to order Billy to do
+something. The prompt and eager manner in which he obeyed the order
+pleased her still more. He ran all the way to the kitchen.
+
+Half an hour later he cautiously carried a dish-pan full of water to
+the porch and stared in amazement at the place where he had left
+Bobberts and his parents. They were gone! He felt that he had not
+been quite as quick with the water as he might have been, for the
+only burner that had been lighted on the gas range was the
+"simmerer," and that had only a flame as large around as a dollar,
+and not strong, but he had not dared to light another. He had a dim
+remembrance that stoves of some kind sometimes exploded, and he did
+not want to risk an explosion by tampering with an unknown stove. He
+felt that a stove and Bobberts both exploding at the same time would
+have been more than the Fenelbys could have borne. As he stood
+holding the pan of hot water well away from him the sound of the
+click of knives and forks on china came to him through the open
+window. Only a little of the hot water spilled over the edge of the
+pan upon his legs as he opened the screen door and entered the hall.
+
+He walked carefully, bent over and holding the pan at arm's length,
+and as he entered the dining room the three diners looked up at him
+in open mouthed surprise. They had forgotten all about Billy.
+
+"Here it is," said Billy, with modest pride and an air of
+accomplishment. "It is good and hot. I let it get as hot as it
+could."
+
+The blank amazement that had dulled the face of Kitty gave way to a
+look of understanding and a smile as she remembered having ordered
+him to get hot water, but the amazement on the faces of Mr. Fenelby
+and his wife remained as blank as ever.
+
+"It is hot water," said Billy, explaining. "I heated it. What shall
+I do with it?"
+
+The sodden surprise on Mr. Fenelby's face melted away. A dish-pan
+full of hot water served during the course of a cold dinner had
+amusing elements, and Mr. Fenelby smiled. So did Mrs. Fenelby.
+Everybody smiled but Billy. He was serious.
+
+"Well," he said, with a touch of impatience, "these handles are hot.
+I can't stand here holding them all night. What do you want me to do
+with this hot water?"
+
+"What do you want to do with it?" asked Mr. Fenelby. "What do you
+usually do with a panful of hot water when you have one? You might
+take a bath, if you want to. You will find the bath-room at the top
+of the stairs, first turn to the left. Run along, and don't stay in
+the water too long."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby and Kitty laughed, and Mr. Fenelby smiled broadly at
+his own humor. Billy blushed.
+
+"I heated it for Bobberts," he said, stiffly.
+
+"Thank you!" said Mr. Fenelby. "But we won't boil Bobberts this
+evening, Billy. Not just now, anyhow. We like to oblige, but we
+can't be expected to boil our only son just because you turn up in
+the middle of a meal with a pan of hot water. If we ever boil him it
+will not be in the middle of a meal. Please don't insist."
+
+Billy reddened to the roots of his hair. Mrs. Fenelby was laughing
+openly and Tom was pleased with the excellence of his joke. Billy
+raised his head angrily and strode out of the room, and Kitty, from
+whose face the smile had fled, started up with blazing eyes.
+
+"I think you are horrid!" she cried, turning to Bobberts' laughing
+parents. "I think you ought to thank him instead of making fun of
+him. I told him to heat the water, because Bobberts was hurt, and I
+thought you might want it, and because he was trying to be helpful
+and--and nice, you sit there and laugh at him. If you want to make
+fun of anyone, make fun of me! I suppose you will!"
+
+"Why, Kitty!" cried Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"Yes!" cried Kitty. "I suppose you will. That seems to be what you
+want to do--make your guests as uncomfortable as you can. You don't
+want us here. You make up this foolish tariff to make trouble, and
+you drive away your servants so that we feel that we are imposing on
+you, and you make fun of us when we try to be helpful--"
+
+"Why, Kitty!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby again.
+
+"You do!" Kitty declared. "I'm surprised at you, Laura Fenelby, I
+am indeed. I'm surprised that you should let your husband dictate
+to you, and make you his slave with his tariffs and such things, but
+you like it. Very well, be his slave if you want to. But I can see
+one thing--Billy and I are not wanted in this house. You and your
+husband just want to be alone and enjoy your selfish house. The best
+thing Billy and I can do is to go. I can see very plainly now,
+Laura, that you got up that silly tariff just to drive us out of the
+house. Very well, we will go!"
+
+She turned from the amazed parents of Bobberts to the amazed Billy
+who was standing in the hall with the inoffensive pan of hot water
+in his hands, and put her hand on his arm.
+
+"Come!" she said. "I am going up to pack my trunks."
+
+For a moment after the shock the Fenelbys sat in surprised silence,
+looking blankly each into the other's face, and then Laura spoke.
+
+"Tom," she gasped, "they mustn't leave this way!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby slowly folded his napkin, and as slowly placed it in the
+ring. Then he laid the ring gently on the table and arranged his
+knife and fork side by side on his plate, as prescribed by the guide
+books to good manners.
+
+"She said she was going up stairs to pack her trunks," he said with
+deliberation. "To pack her trunks. If she has enough to pack into
+trunks, Laura, there has been smuggling going on in this house."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby folded her napkin as slowly as her husband had just
+folded his, and she kept her eyes on it as she answered.
+
+"Tom," she said, "do you think it is quite the time now to talk of
+smuggling? Wouldn't it be better if you went up and apologized to
+Kitty and Billy?"
+
+"Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "it is always time to talk of smuggling.
+The foundation of the home is order; order can only be maintained
+by living up to such rules as are made; the Fenelby Domestic Tariff
+is more than a rule, it is a law. If we let the laws of our home be
+trampled under foot by whoever chooses the whole thing totters,
+sways and falls. The home is wrecked and sorrow and dissention come.
+Dissention leads to misunderstanding and divorce. That is why I am
+strict. That is why I refuse to let two strangers wreck our whole
+lives by ignoring the Domestic Tariff. If they do not like the laws
+of our little Commonwealth, they can go. The door is open!"
+
+"Thomas Fenelby," said his wife, "I think you are horrid! I never
+knew anything so unhospitable in my life. It isn't as if no one in
+this house ever broke that tariff law except Kitty and Billy; you
+haven't explained about that box--"
+
+Mr. Fenelby reddened and he looked at his wife sternly.
+
+"Do you mean the box I found hidden under the eaves in the attic,
+addressed to you, my dear?" he asked with cutting sweetness, and
+Mrs. Fenelby, in turn, grew red and gasped.
+
+"You are mean!" she exclaimed. "I think you are not--not nice to go
+poking around under eaves and things, trying to find some blame to
+throw up to your wife! I wish you had never thought of your horrid
+tariff, and--and--"
+
+She put her handkerchief to her eyes, and a minute later went out of
+the room and up the stairs. Mr. Fenelby heard her cross the floor
+above him, and heard the creaking of the bed as she threw herself
+upon it. He looked sternly out of the dining room window awhile.
+Never, never had his wife spoken such words to him before. If she
+wished to act so it was very well--she should be taught a lesson.
+She was vexed because she had been caught in a palpable case of
+smuggling herself. Now he--
+
+He arose and took Bobberts' bank from the mantel; from his pocket he
+drew a small collection of loose change and one or two small bills,
+and saving out one dime he fed the rest into Bobberts' bank. For a
+few more minutes he looked gloomily from the window, and then he
+went gloomily forth and dropped into the hammock.
+
+With cautious steps Billy Fenelby stole down the stairs and bending
+over the rail looked into the dining room. It was empty, and he
+tip-toed down the rest of the way and, glancing from side to side
+like one fearing discovery, dropped a handful of loose coins into
+Bobberts' bank. As he ascended the stairs his face wore the look of
+a man who is square with the world.
+
+As she heard the door close upon him when he entered his room Mrs.
+Fenelby rose from her bed and wiped her eyes. She took her purse
+from the dresser and opened it, then paused for she heard a door
+opening slowly. She heard light steps cross the hall and descend the
+stairs, but she could not see Kitty. She could only hear the faint
+click of coin dropping upon coin in the dining room below her. She
+knew that Kitty was feeding Bobberts' education fund, and she
+waited until she heard Kitty's door close again, and then she went
+down and poured into the opening of the bank the remains of her
+week's household allowance, and began the task of clearing the
+table. As she worked the tears splattered down upon the plates as
+she bent over them. How could Tom be so cruel and unfeeling?
+Doubtless he was enjoying the thought of having hurt her feelings,
+if he had not already forgotten all about her, taking his ease in
+the hammock.
+
+She glanced out of the window at him. There he lay, but as she
+looked he raised his hands and struck himself twice on the head
+with his clenched fists and groaned like a man in misery. For a
+moment he lay still and then once more he struck himself on the
+head, and drawing up his legs kicked them out angrily, like a
+naughty child in a tantrum. He was _not_ having the most blissful
+moments of his life. Once more he drew up his legs and kicked, and
+the hammock turned over and dumped him on the floor of the porch.
+
+"Ouch!" he exclaimed quite normally, and looking up he saw his wife,
+and smiled. She not only smiled, but laughed, somewhat hysterically
+but forgivingly.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+TARIFF REFORM
+
+
+If a man really likes to wipe dishes, while his wife washes them,
+there is no better time for friendly confidences, and for the
+arrangement of difficulties. Diplomatists win their greatest battles
+for peace at the dinner-table, because the dinner-table gives
+abundant opportunity for the "interruption politic." When the
+argument reaches the fatal climax, and the final ultimatum is
+delivered, a boiled potato may still avert war: "Now, me lud, I ask
+you finally, will your government, or won't it? That is the
+question," and from the opposing diplomat come the words, "Beg
+pardon, your ludship, but will you kindly pass me the salt? Thanks!
+Don't you think the butter is a little strong?" and war is averted.
+Postponed, at least.
+
+Just so over the dish-wiping; the hard and fast logic of who's right
+and who's wrong is interrupted and turned aside by timely
+ejaculations of: "Oh, I did wipe that cup!" or interpolated
+questions, as: "Have you washed this plate yet, my dear?" A wise man
+who finds himself cornered can always drop one of the blown-glass
+tumblers on the floor--they only cost five cents--or ask,
+innocently: "Did I crack this plate, or was it already cracked?" By
+a judicious use of these little wreckers of consecutive speech Mr.
+and Mrs. Fenelby, over the dishes, reached a perfect understanding
+and forgot their quarrel. Mr. Fenelby said she was perfectly right
+in hiding the set of Eugene Field in the attic, since it was
+intended as a surprise for him on the anniversary of their wedding,
+and the payment of the tariff duty on it would have divulged the
+secret; and Mrs. Fenelby agreed that he was doing exactly the right
+thing when he did the same, and for the same reason; but they both
+agreed that Kitty and Billy had acted rather shamelessly in the
+matter of smuggling.
+
+"I know Billy," said Mr. Fenelby, "and I know him well. I won't say
+anything about Kitty, for she is your guest, but Billy would smuggle
+anything he could lay his hands on. He is a lawyer, and a young one,
+and all you have to do is to show a young lawyer a law, and he
+immediately begins to look for ways to get around it. I don't say
+this to excuse him. I just say it."
+
+"Well, you know how women are," said Mrs. Fenelby. "As sure as you
+get two or three women who have been abroad into a group they will
+begin telling how and what they were able to smuggle in when they
+came through the custom house. Some of them enjoy the smuggling part
+better than all the rest of their trips abroad, so what could you
+expect of Kitty when she had a perpetual custom house to smuggle
+things through? She looks on it as a sort of game, and the one that
+smuggles the most is the winner. I don't say this to excuse her. But
+it is so."
+
+"I am not the least sorry that Billy is offended, if he is," said
+Mr. Fenelby, between plates; "but if you wish I will apologize to
+Kitty, although I don't see why I should. The thing I am worrying
+about is Bobberts. I like this tariff plan, and I think it is a good
+way to raise money--if anyone ever pays the tariff duties--but I
+don't feel as if I was treating Bobberts right. Every time I put
+money in his bank in payment of the tariff duty on a thing I have
+brought into the house I feel that I am doing Bobberts a wrong. And
+the more I put in the more guilty I feel."
+
+"Of course it is all for his education fund," said Mrs. Fenelby.
+
+"I know it," said Mr. Fenelby, "and that is what makes me feel so
+small and miserable when I pay my ten or thirty per cent. duty.
+Bobberts is my only son, and the dearest and sweetest baby that ever
+lived, and I ought to be glad to give money for his education fund
+voluntarily and freely; and yet we treat him as if we hated him and
+had to be forced to give him a few cents a day. We act as if he was
+nothing but a government treasury deficit, and instead of giving
+joyously and gladly because we love him, we act as if we had to have
+laws made to force us to give. I feel it more every time I have to
+pay tariff duty into his bank. I tell you, Laura, it isn't treating
+Bobberts in the right spirit. If he could understand he would be
+hurt and offended to think his parents were the kind that had to be
+compelled to give him an education, as if he were a reformatory
+child or a Home for something or other. Any tax is always unpopular,
+and that means it is annoying and vexatious; and what I am afraid of
+is that we will get to dislike Bobberts because we feel we are
+injuring him. I don't mind the tariff, myself, but I do want to be
+fair and square with Bobberts. He's the only child we have, Laura."
+
+"Oh, Tom!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, taking her hands out of the dish
+water; "do you think we have gone too far to make it all right
+again? Do you think we have hurt our love for him, or weakened it,
+or--or anything? If I thought so I should never, never forgive
+myself!"
+
+"I hope we haven't," said Mr. Fenelby, seriously; "but we must not
+take any more chances. If this thing goes on we will become quite
+hardened toward Bobberts, and cease to love him altogether."
+
+"We will stop this tariff right this very minute!" cried Mrs.
+Fenelby joyously. "I am so glad, Tom. I just hated the old thing!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby shook his head slowly and Mrs. Fenelby's face lost its
+radiance and became questioningly fear-struck.
+
+"What is it?" she asked, anxiously. "Can't we stop? Must we keep on
+with it forever and forever?"
+
+"You forget the Congress of the Commonwealth of Bobberts," said Mr.
+Fenelby. "The tariff law was passed by the congress, and it can only
+be repealed by the congress, with Bobberts present."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby wiped her hands hurriedly and rapidly untied her apron.
+
+"I hate to waken Bobberts," she said, "but I will! I'd do anything
+to have that tariff unpassed again."
+
+Mr. Fenelby put his hand on her arm, restraining her as she was
+about to rush from the kitchen.
+
+"Wait, Laura!" he said. "You forget that you and I are not the only
+States now. Kitty and Billy are States, too. You and I would not
+form a quorum. We must have Kitty and Billy."
+
+"Tom," she said, "I will get Kitty and Billy if I have to drag them
+in by main force!" and she went to find them. Ten minutes later she
+returned but without them. Mr. Fenelby had finished the dishes, and
+was hanging the dish-pan on its nail.
+
+The two needed States were nowhere to be found, neither in the
+house, nor on the porch, nor were they on the grounds. There was
+nothing to do but to await their return. It was quite late when
+Kitty and Billy returned, and the Fenelbys had grown tired of
+sitting on the porch and had gone inside, but Kitty and Billy did
+not seem to mind the dampness or the chill for the moon was
+beautiful, and they seated themselves in the hammock. Bobberts had
+been put to bed, and his parents had become almost merry with their
+old-time merriment as they contemplated the speedy over-throw of the
+Fenelby Domestic Tariff. The joy that comes from a tax repealed is
+greater than the peace that comes from paying a tax honestly. There
+is no fun in paying taxes. Not the least.
+
+"I think, Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, when he and his wife had
+listened to the slow creaking of the hammock hooks for some minutes,
+"you had better go out and tell them to come in."
+
+Mrs. Fenelby went. She let the porch screen slam as she went
+out--which was only fair--and she heard the low whispers change to
+louder tones, and a slight movement of feet; but she was not,
+evidently, intruding, for Kitty and Billy were quite primly disposed
+in the hammock when she reached them.
+
+"Hello!" she said pleasantly, "Won't you come in? We are going to
+vote on the tariff."
+
+"Go ahead and vote," said Billy cheerfully. "We won't interfere."
+
+"But we can't vote until you come in," explained Mrs. Fenelby. "We
+haven't a quorum until you come in. You are States, and we can't do
+anything until you come in."
+
+"Did you try?" asked Billy, just as cheerfully as before. "We don't
+want to vote. We are comfortable out here. If we must vote, bring
+your congress out here."
+
+"Billy, I would if I could," said Mrs. Fenelby, "but I can't!
+Bobberts has to be present, and he can't be brought out into the
+night air."
+
+Kitty half rose from the hammock. She felt to see that her hair was
+in order.
+
+"Come on, Billy," she said. "Be accommodating," and they went in.
+
+It was necessary to bring Bobberts down from the nursery, and Mrs.
+Fenelby brought him in, limp and sleeping, and sat with him in her
+arms. Mr. Fenelby explained why the meeting was called.
+
+"It is because Laura and I are tired of this tariff nonsense," he
+explained. "You and Kitty have seen how it works--everybody in the
+house mad at one another--"
+
+"Not Billy and I," interposed Kitty. "Are we Billy?"
+
+"Let us, for the sake of argument, suppose we are," said Billy. "We
+must give Tom a fair chance. It is his tariff, not ours."
+
+"Very well," said Kitty; "we are all angry! Let us quarrel!"
+
+"Seriously, now," said Mr. Fenelby, very seriously indeed, "this has
+got to stop! You and Kitty may think it is all a joke, but Laura and
+I went into this thing before you came, and we meant it seriously.
+We went into it in parliamentary form, and in good faith. Now we see
+it was all a mistake and we want to do away with it. If you will
+just take it seriously for five minutes--if you can be sensible that
+long--we will not trouble you with it any more. Laura, awaken
+Bobberts!"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby awakened the Territory by gently kissing him on his
+eyes, and he opened them and blinked sleepily at the ceiling.
+
+"Congress is in session," said Mr. Fenelby. "And Laura moves that
+the Fenelby Domestic Tariff be repealed and annulled. I second it.
+All in favor of the motion say--"
+
+"Stop!" exclaimed Billy, rising from his chair. "I object to this!
+Kitty and I did not come in here to have such an important motion
+rushed through without consideration. It is not parliamentary. I
+want to make a speech."
+
+"Oh, don't!" pleaded Mrs. Fenelby. "Think how late it is, Billy."
+
+"Mr. President and Ladies of Congress," said Billy unrelentingly;
+"we are asked to repeal our tariff laws, our beneficent laws,
+enacted to send Bobberts to college. We stand in the presence of two
+cruel parents who would take away from their only Territory its sole
+chance--as we were informed--of securing an education. We are asked
+to do this merely because there has been some slight difficulty in
+collecting the tariff tax. I am ashamed to be a State in a
+commonwealth that can put forward such an excuse. I care not what
+others may do, but as for me I shall never cast my vote to rob that
+poor innocent," he pointed feelingly toward Bobberts, "to rob him of
+his future happiness! Never. You won't either, will you, Kitty?"
+
+"I should think not!" exclaimed Kitty. "Poor little Bobberts!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby moved the papers on his desk nervously. He was tempted
+to say something about smuggling, but he controlled himself, for it
+would not do to antagonize one-half of congress. He felt that Kitty
+and Billy had been planning some great feats of smuggling, and that
+they had no desire to have their fun spoiled by the repeal of the
+tariff. Probably no smugglers are free traders at heart--free trade
+would ruin their business.
+
+He put the motion, and the vote was what he had expected--two for
+and two against the motion. It was not carried. For a few minutes
+all sat in silence, the air tingling with suppressed irritability. A
+word would have condensed it into cruel speech. It was Billy who
+broke the spell.
+
+"I'm going out to smoke another duty-paid cigar before I turn in,"
+he said. "Do you want to have a turn on the porch, Kitty?"
+
+"I think not. I'm tired. I'll go up, I think," said Kitty, and they
+left the room together.
+
+Mr. Fenelby gathered his papers and his book together and pushed
+them wearily into the desk. Then he dropped into a chair and looked
+sadly at the floor.
+
+"Tom," said Laura, "can't we stop the tariff anyway?"
+
+"Oh, no!" said her husband disconsolately. "We can't do anything.
+We've got to go ahead with the foolishness until Kitty and Billy go.
+They would laugh at us and crow over us all their lives if we
+didn't. Especially after the fool I have made of myself with this
+voting nonsense," he added bitterly.
+
+Mrs. Fenelby sighed.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+THE COUP D'ETAT
+
+
+The next morning dawned gloomily. The sky was a dull gray, and a
+sickening drizzle was falling, mixed with a thick fog that made
+everything and everybody soggy and damp. It was a most dismal and
+disheartening Sunday, without a ray of cheerfulness in it, and Mr.
+and Mrs. Fenelby felt the burden of the day keenly. The house had
+the usual Sunday morning air of untidiness. It was a bad day on
+which to take up the load of the tariff and carry it through twelve
+hours of servantless housekeeping.
+
+Breakfast was a sad affair. Kitty and Billy, who seemed in high
+spirits, tried to give the meal an air of gaiety, but Mr. Fenelby
+was glum and his wife naturally reflected some of his feeling, and
+after a few attempts to liven things Kitty and Billy turned their
+attention to each other and left the Fenelbys alone with their
+gloom. As soon as breakfast was over, Kitty, after a weak suggestion
+that she should help Laura with the dishes, carried Billy away,
+saying that no matter what happened she was going to church. The
+Fenelbys were glad to have them go, and Mr. Fenelby helped Laura
+carry out the breakfast things.
+
+"Laura," said Mr. Fenelby, "I lay awake a long time last night
+thinking about the tariff, and something has got to be done about
+it! I cannot, as the father of Bobberts, let it go on as it is
+going."
+
+"I lay awake too," said Laura, "and I think exactly as you do, Tom."
+
+"I knew you would," said Mr. Fenelby. "The way Kitty and Billy are
+acting is not to be borne. They acted last night as if you and I
+were not capable of raising our own child! I really cannot put
+another cent in that bank under the tariff law, Laura. Just think
+how it looks--_we_ are not to be trusted to provide Bobberts with an
+education; _we_ are not fit to decide how to raise the money for
+him. No, Kitty and Billy are to be his guardians. They don't trust
+us; they insist that we shall keep ourselves bound by the tariff
+system. They think we don't love dear little Bobberts, and they
+think they can make us provide for him, just because they have the
+balance of power!"
+
+"Yes," said Laura sympathetically. "I thought of all that, Tom, and
+I don't think it does them much credit. It is easy enough for them
+to say there must be a tariff, when they bring hardly anything into
+the house that they have to pay duty on, but _we_ have to keep the
+house going. _We_ have to have vegetables and meat and all sorts of
+things, and they are making _us_ pay duty, while all they have to do
+is to eat and have a good time. Bobberts is our child, Tom, and it
+ought to be for us to say what we will save for him, and how we will
+save it."
+
+"That is just what I think," said Mr. Fenelby feelingly, "and I am
+not going to stand it any longer. I am going to have another meeting
+of congress this afternoon--"
+
+"They will vote just the same way," said Laura, hopelessly.
+
+"Probably," said Mr. Fenelby. "But if they do we will end the whole
+thing."
+
+"We can't send them away," said Laura. "We couldn't be so rude as
+that."
+
+"No," said Mr. Fenelby, "but we will secede. You and I and Bobberts
+will secede from the Union. I never believed in secession, Laura,
+but I see now that there are times when conditions become so
+intolerable that there is nothing else to do. We will give them a
+chance to vote the tariff out of existence, and if they don't we
+will just secede from the Commonwealth of Bobberts. We will have a
+free trade commonwealth of our own, and Kitty and Billy can do as
+they please."
+
+"Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "that is just what we will do!" And so it
+was settled.
+
+By the time Kitty and Billy returned loiteringly from church Mr.
+Fenelby had progressed pretty well through four of the sixteen
+sections of the Sunday paper, and Mrs. Fenelby had Bobberts washed
+and dressed and was in the kitchen preparing dinner, which on Sunday
+was supposed to be at noon, but which, this Sunday, threatened to
+be about two o'clock. Kitty threw off her hat and dropped her
+umbrella in the hall and rushed for the kitchen. Billy merely
+glanced into the parlor, and seeing Tom holding the grim funny page
+uncompromisingly before his face, strolled out to the hammock.
+
+"Laura," cried Kitty, "you _must_ let me help you! And what do you
+think? We met Doctor Stafford, and he _did_ prescribe whisky and
+rock candy for Bridget's cold! So I fixed everything all right. I
+rushed Billy around to Bridget's sister's and Bridget is just
+getting over her cold, so she was glad to come back to you. She
+says she never, never drinks except under her doctor's orders, and
+she said that if you hadn't been so hasty--"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby dropped the potato she was slicing. Her pretty mouth
+hardened.
+
+"Kitty!" she exclaimed. "Now I shall _never_ forgive you! I will
+_never_ have Bridget in this kitchen again! It wasn't only that she
+drank, it was her awful, awful deceitfulness. It was that, Kitty,
+more than anything else. I _won't_ have people about me who will not
+live up to the tariff poor dear Tom worked and worried to make!
+_You_ may smuggle, Kitty, if you must be so low, and I certainly
+have no control over Billy, but my servants must not break the
+rules of this house. If that Bridget dares to put her head inside of
+this door I will send her about her business."
+
+"Laura," said Kitty, "I wish you would be reasonable--like Billy and
+me. We talked it all over on the way to church, and we saw that it
+was Tom's crazy old tariff that was making all the trouble and
+driving Bridget away and everything, and we decided we would stop
+the tariff right away."
+
+Laura's chin went into the air and her eyes flashed.
+
+"_You_ will stop the tariff!" she cried, turning red. "What right
+have _you_ to stop anything in this house, Kitty? And it isn't a
+crazy tariff. It was a splendid idea, and no one but Tom would ever
+have thought of it, and it worked all right until you and Billy
+began spoiling it!"
+
+"But I thought you wanted it stopped," said Kitty.
+
+"I don't!" exclaimed Laura, bursting into tears. "It is a nice,
+lovely tariff, and if I ever said I didn't want it, it was because
+you aggravated me. I won't have it stopped. I won't be so mean to
+anything dear old Tom starts. It's Bobberts' tariff. You ought to
+think more of Bobberts than to suggest such a thing, if you don't
+love me."
+
+Kitty stood back and looked at Laura as at some one possessed of
+evil spirits. Then she turned to the table and took up the potato
+knife and began slicing potatoes calmly.
+
+"Very well, Laura," she said. "I tried to do what I thought you
+would like, but if you want the tariff so badly I shall certainly
+not oppose you. Hereafter, no matter what happens, Billy and I will
+vote for the tariff!"
+
+"And Tom and I certainly will," said Laura between sobs. "We don't
+care _who_ the tariff bothers, or _how_ much trouble it is. We are
+always, always going to have a tariff--for ever and ever!"
+
+When she told Mr. Fenelby this he was not as happy about it as might
+have been expected. He agreed that under the circumstances there was
+nothing else to do; that the tariff must become a permanent fixture;
+but he did not say so joyfully. He had more the air of a Job
+admitting that a continued succession of boils was inevitable. Job,
+under those circumstances was probably as placid as could be
+expected, but not hilarious, and neither was Mr. Fenelby.
+
+Dinner was as gloomy as breakfast had been. It developed into one of
+the plate-studying kind, with each of the four eating hastily and
+silently. Even Bobberts was not cheerful. He did not "coo" as usual,
+but stared unsmilingly at the ceiling. Into such a condition does a
+nation come when it suffers under a tax that is obnoxious, but which
+it cannot and will not repeal. When a nation gets into that
+condition one State can hardly ask another State to pass the butter,
+and when it does ask, its parliamentary courtesy is something
+frigidly polite. Suddenly Mrs. Fenelby looked up.
+
+"Tom," she said, "there is somebody in the kitchen!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby laid his fork softly on his plate and listened. There
+was no doubt of it. Someone was in the kitchen, gathering up the
+silverware. Mr. Fenelby arose and went into the kitchen. Almost
+immediately he returned. He returned because he either had to follow
+Bridget into the dining room or stay in the kitchen alone.
+
+"It's me, ma'am," said Bridget. She planted herself before Mrs.
+Fenelby and placed her hands on her hips. Mrs. Fenelby arose. "I've
+come back," said Bridget.
+
+"And you can go again," said Mrs. Fenelby regally. "I do not want
+you, you can go!"
+
+"Yes, ma'am," said Bridget. "'Tis all th' same t' me--stay or go,
+ma'am,--but I'll be askin' ye t' pay me a month's wages, Mrs.
+Fenelby, if ye want me t' go. A month's wages or a month's
+notice--that is th' law, ma'am."
+
+"The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. "I have not even hired you,
+yet!"
+
+"No, ma'am," said Bridget, "but th' young lady has. She hired me
+with her own mouth, at me own sister Maggie's, who will be witness
+t' it, an' I have been workin' in th' kitchen already. I've washed
+th' spoons."
+
+"The young lady," said Mrs. Fenelby coldly, "has no right to hire
+servants for me."
+
+"And hasn't she, ma'am?" said Bridget angrily. "Let th' judge in th'
+court-house say if she has or hasn't! Don't try t' fool me, Missus
+Fenelby, ma'am. I've worked here before, ma'am, an' I know all about
+th' Commonwealth way ye have of doin' things. Wan of ye has as good
+a right t' vote me into a job as another has, Mrs. Fenelby, an' th'
+young lady an' th' young gintleman both asked me t' come. Even a
+poor ign'rant Irish girl has rights, Mrs. Fenelby, an' hired I was,
+t' worrk for th' Commonwealth. An' here I stay, without ye choose
+t' hand me me month's wages!"
+
+Mrs. Fenelby looked appealingly at Tom, and Tom looked at Billy.
+
+"I think she'd win, if she took it to law," said Billy. "You know
+how the judges are. And if she brought up the matter of the
+Commonwealth, you know you _did_ make Kitty and me full partakers in
+it."
+
+"Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "pay her a month's wages and let her go!"
+
+Mr. Fenelby moved uneasily. He had put all his money into Bobberts'
+bank. In all the house there was not a month's wages except in
+Bobberts' bank. Mr. Fenelby looked toward the bank.
+
+"Never!" said Billy. "_I_ put money into that, and so did Kitty. It
+is for Bobberts, not for month's wages. I object."
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked away from the bank. He looked, helplessly, all
+around the room, and ended by looking at Laura.
+
+"My dear," he said, "I think we had better keep Bridget."
+
+"I think ye had!" said Bridget. "For there ain't no way t' git rid
+of me. I'm here, ma'am, an' I don't bear no ill will. I forgive ye
+all, an' I'm willin' t' let by-gones be by-gones, excipt one or two
+things, which ye will have t' change."
+
+"The idea!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby. Bridget shrugged her shoulders.
+
+"Have it yer own way, ma'am," she said. "I am not one that would
+dictate t' th' lady of th' house. I am no dictator, ma'am, an' I
+don't wish t' be, but here I am an' here I stay, an' 'tis no fault
+of mine if some things riles me temper and makes me act as I
+shouldn't. I'm one that likes things t' be peaceful, ma'am, for no
+one knows how much row a girrl can make in th' house better 'n than
+I does, especially when she's hired by th' month an' can't be fired.
+I can't forget one Mrs. Grasset I worked for, ma'am, an' her that
+miserable an' cryin' all th' time, just because I had one of me bad
+timper spells. I should hate t' have one of thim here, Mrs.
+Fenelby."
+
+"Well," said Mr. Fenelby, controlling his righteous indignation as
+best he could, "what is it you want?"
+
+"I want no more of thim tariff doin's!" said Bridget firmly. "Thim
+tariff doin's is more than mortal mind can stand, Mr. Fenelby, sir!
+Nawthin' I ever had t' do with in anny of me places riled me up like
+thim tariff doin's, an' we will have no more tariff in th' house,
+_if_ ye please, sir."
+
+"Well, of all the impert--" began Mr. Fenelby angrily, but Mrs.
+Fenelby put her hand on his arm and quieted him.
+
+"Tom," she said, "please be careful! You do not have to spend your
+days with Bridget, and I do! Don't be rash. Send her into the
+kitchen until we talk it over."
+
+Bridget went, willingly. She gathered an armful of dishes, and went
+into her throne-room, bearing her head high. She felt that she was
+master and she was.
+
+"Now, this Commonwealth--" began Mr. Fenelby, when the kitchen door
+had closed, but Billy stopped him.
+
+"Stop being foolish, Tom," he said. "What Commonwealth are you
+talking about? This is not a Commonwealth--this is an unlimited
+dictatorship, and Bridget is sole dictator! Wake up; don't you know
+a _coup d'etat_ when you see one? Can't you tell a usurper by
+sight?"
+
+Mr. Fenelby looked moodily at the kitchen door.
+
+"That is what it is," said Billy decidedly. "The dictator has
+smashed your republic under her iron heel; your laws are all back
+numbers--if she wants any laws, she will let you know. I know the
+signs. When a Great One rises up in the midst of a Republic and puts
+her hands on her hips and says 'What are you going to do about it?'
+and there _isn't_ anything to do about it, you have a dictator, and
+all that you can do is knuckle down and be good."
+
+There was a minute's silence. The Commonwealth was dying hard.
+
+"I could shake the money out of Bobberts' bank," said Mr. Fenelby,
+but even as he said it Bobberts wailed. His voice arose clear and
+strong in protest against that or against something else. The
+kitchen door swung open and the Dictator ran in and approached the
+Heir, and Bobberts held out his arms.
+
+"Bless th' darlin'," said Bridget, cuddling him in her arms, but
+Mrs. Fenelby frowned.
+
+"Give him to me," she said sternly, and Bridget turned to her. And
+then, in the eyes of all the Commonwealth, Bobberts turned his back
+on his own mother and clung to the Dictator! Clung, and squealed,
+until the danger of separation was over.
+
+"You see!" said Billy, triumphantly.
+
+Mrs. Fenelby sighed. The Dictator had won. The tariff was dead.
+
+"And in our house," said Kitty, cheerfully, "we won't have any
+tariff, will we, Billy?"
+
+"Your house!" exclaimed Mrs. Fenelby, forgetting all about the
+Dictator in the new interest, and brightening into herself again.
+
+"Our house," said Kitty proudly. "Mine and Billy's."
+
+"Our house," echoed Billy, blushing. "We can't stand a Dictator, and
+we are going to secede and--and have a United State of our own."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Isn't it splendid about Kitty and Billy?" said Mrs. Fenelby that
+evening to Tom, as they bent over Bobberts' crib. "And if it hadn't
+been for our tariff driving them together I don't believe it would
+ever have happened."
+
+"It's fine!" said Mr. Fenelby. "Fine! And that other set of Eugene
+Field will do for a wedding present!"
+
+                         THE END
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:
+
+Minor changes have been made to correct typesetters' errors;
+otherwise, every effort has been made to remain true to the author's
+words and intent.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Cheerful Smugglers, by Ellis Parker Butler
+
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