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diff --git a/old/chmsb10.txt b/old/chmsb10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e67021c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/chmsb10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9512 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext The Christmas Books, by W. M. Thackeray +#19 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. 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TITMARSH + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +CONTENTS. + + +CHRISTMAS STORIES. + +Mrs. Perkins's Ball + +Our Street + +Dr. Birch and his Young Friends + +The Kickleburys on the Rhine + +The Rose and the Ring; or, The History of Prince Giglio and Prince Bulbo + + + + +MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + +THE MULLIGAN (OF BALLYMULLIGAN), AND HOW WE WENT TO MRS. PERKINS'S +BALL. + + +I do not know where Ballymulligan is, and never knew anybody who +did. Once I asked the Mulligan the question, when that chieftain +assumed a look of dignity so ferocious, and spoke of "Saxon +curiawsitee" in a tone of such evident displeasure, that, as after +all it can matter very little to me whereabouts lies the Celtic +principality in question, I have never pressed the inquiry any +farther. + +I don't know even the Mulligan's town residence. One night, as he +bade us adieu in Oxford Street,--"I live THERE," says he, pointing +down towards Oxbridge, with the big stick he carries--so his abode +is in that direction at any rate. He has his letters addressed to +several of his friends' houses, and his parcels, &c. are left for +him at various taverns which he frequents. That pair of checked +trousers, in which you see him attired, he did me the favor of +ordering from my own tailor, who is quite as anxious as anybody to +know the address of the wearer. In like manner my hatter asked me, +"Oo was the Hirish gent as 'ad ordered four 'ats and a sable boar +to be sent to my lodgings?" As I did not know (however I might +guess) the articles have never been sent, and the Mulligan has +withdrawn his custom from the "infernal four-and-nine-penny +scoundthrel," as he calls him. The hatter has not shut up shop in +consequence. + +I became acquainted with the Mulligan through a distinguished +countryman of his, who, strange to say, did not know the chieftain +himself. But dining with my friend Fred Clancy, of the Irish bar, +at Greenwich, the Mulligan came up, "inthrojuiced" himself to +Clancy as he said, claimed relationship with him on the side of +Brian Boroo, and drawing his chair to our table, quickly became +intimate with us. He took a great liking to me, was good enough to +find out my address and pay me a visit: since which period often +and often on coming to breakfast in the morning I have found him in +my sitting-room on the sofa engaged with the rolls and morning +papers: and many a time, on returning home at night for an +evening's quiet reading, I have discovered this honest fellow in +the arm-chair before the fire, perfuming the apartment with my +cigars and trying the quality of such liquors as might be found on +the sideboard. The way in which he pokes fun at Betsy, the maid of +the lodgings, is prodigious. She begins to laugh whenever he +comes; if he calls her a duck, a divvle, a darlin', it is all one. +He is just as much a master of the premises as the individual who +rents them at fifteen shillings a week; and as for handkerchiefs, +shirt-collars, and the like articles of fugitive haberdashery, the +loss since I have known him is unaccountable. I suspect he is like +the cat in some houses: for, suppose the whiskey, the cigars, the +sugar, the tea-caddy, the pickles, and other groceries disappear, +all is laid upon that edax-rerum of a Mulligan. + +The greatest offence that can be offered to him is to call him MR. +Mulligan. "Would you deprive me, sir," says he, "of the title +which was bawrun be me princelee ancestors in a hundred thousand +battles? In our own green valleys and fawrests, in the American +savannahs, in the sierras of Speen and the flats of Flandthers, the +Saxon has quailed before me war-cry of MULLIGAN ABOO! MR. +Mulligan! I'll pitch anybody out of the window who calls me MR. +Mulligan." He said this, and uttered the slogan of the Mulligans +with a shriek so terrific, that my uncle (the Rev. W. Gruels, of +the Independent Congregation, Bungay), who had happened to address +him in the above obnoxious manner, while sitting at my apartments +drinking tea after the May meetings, instantly quitted the room, +and has never taken the least notice of me since, except to state +to the rest of the family that I am doomed irrevocably to perdition. + +Well, one day last season, I had received from my kind and most +estimable friend, MRS. PERKINS OF POCKLINGTON SQUARE (to whose +amiable family I have had the honor of giving lessons in drawing, +French, and the German flute), an invitation couched in the usual +terms, on satin gilt-edged note-paper, to her evening-party; or, as +I call it, "Ball." + +Besides the engraved note sent to all her friends, my kind +patroness had addressed me privately as follows:-- + + +MY DEAR MR. TITMARSH,--If you know any VERY eligible young man, we +give you leave to bring him. You GENTLEMEN love your CLUBS so much +now, and care so little for DANCING, that it is really quite A +SCANDAL. Come early, and before EVERYBODY, and give us the benefit +of all your taste and CONTINENTAL SKILL. + +"Your sincere + +"EMILY PERKINS." + + +"Whom shall I bring?" mused I, highly flattered by this mark of +confidence; and I thought of Bob Trippett; and little Fred Spring, +of the Navy Pay Office; Hulker, who is rich, and I knew took +lessons in Paris; and a half-score of other bachelor friends, who +might be considered as VERY ELIGIBLE--when I was roused from my +meditation by the slap of a hand on my shoulder; and looking up, +there was the Mulligan, who began, as usual, reading the papers on +my desk. + +"Hwhat's this?" says he. "Who's Perkins? Is it a supper-ball, or +only a tay-ball?" + +"The Perkinses of Pocklington Square, Mulligan, are tiptop people," +says I, with a tone of dignity. "Mr. Perkins's sister is married +to a baronet, Sir Giles Bacon, of Hogwash, Norfolk. Mr. Perkins's +uncle was Lord Mayor of London; and he was himself in Parliament, +and MAY BE again any day. The family are my most particular +friends. A tay-ball indeed! why, Gunter . . ." Here I stopped: I +felt I was committing myself. + +"Gunter!" says the Mulligan, with another confounded slap on the +shoulder. "Don't say another word: I'LL go widg you, my boy." + +"YOU go, Mulligan?" says I: "why, really--I--it's not my party." + +"Your hwhawt? hwhat's this letter? a'n't I an eligible young man?-- +Is the descendant of a thousand kings unfit company for a miserable +tallow-chandthlering cockney? Are ye joking wid me? for, let me +tell ye, I don't like them jokes. D'ye suppose I'm not as well +bawrun and bred as yourself, or any Saxon friend ye ever had?" + +"I never said you weren't, Mulligan," says I. + +"Ye don't mean seriously that a Mulligan is not fit company for a +Perkins?" + +"My dear fellow, how could you think I could so far insult you?" +says I. "Well, then," says he, "that's a matter settled, and we +go." + +What the deuce was I to do? I wrote to Mrs. Perkins; and that kind +lady replied, that she would receive the Mulligan, or any other of +my friends, with the greatest cordiality. "Fancy a party, all +Mulligans!" thought I, with a secret terror. + + +MR. AND MRS. PERKINS, THEIR HOUSE, AND THEIR YOUNG PEOPLE. + + +Following Mrs. Perkins's orders, the present writer made his +appearance very early at Pocklington Square: where the tastiness of +all the decorations elicited my warmest admiration. Supper of +course was in the dining-loom, superbly arranged by Messrs. Grigs +and Spooner, the confectioners of the neighborhood. I assisted my +respected friend Mr. Perkins and his butler in decanting the +sherry, and saw, not without satisfaction, a large bath for wine +under the sideboard, in which were already placed very many bottles +of champagne. + +The BACK DINING-ROOM, Mr. P.'s study (where the venerable man goes +to sleep after dinner), was arranged on this occasion as a tea- +room, Mrs. Flouncey (Miss Fanny's maid) officiating in a cap and +pink ribbons, which became her exceedingly. Long, long before the +arrival of the company, I remarked Master Thomas Perkins and Master +Giles Bacon, his cousin (son of Sir Giles Bacon, Bart.), in this +apartment, busy among the macaroons. + +Mr. Gregory the butler, besides John the footman and Sir Giles's +large man in the Bacon livery, and honest Grundsell, carpet-beater +and green-grocer, of Little Pocklington Buildings, had at least +half a dozen of aides-de-camp in black with white neck-cloths, like +doctors of divinity. + +The BACK DRAWING-ROOM door on the landing being taken off the +hinges (and placed up stairs under Mr. Perkins's bed), the orifice +was covered with muslin, and festooned with elegant wreaths of +flowers. This was the Dancing Saloon. A linen was spread over the +carpet; and a band--consisting of Mr. Clapperton, piano, Mr. Pinch, +harp, and Herr Spoff, cornet-a-piston arrived at a pretty early +hour, and were accommodated with some comfortable negus in the tea- +room, previous to the commencement of their delightful labors. The +boudoir to the left was fitted up as a card-room; the drawing-room +was of course for the reception of the company,--the chandeliers +and yellow damask being displayed this night in all their splendor; +and the charming conservatory over the landing was ornamented by a +few moon-like lamps, and the flowers arranged so that it had the +appearance of a fairy bower. And Miss Perkins (as I took the +liberty of stating to her mamma) looked like the fairy of that +bower. It is this young creature's first year in PUBLIC LIFE: she +has been educated, regardless of expense, at Hammersmith; and a +simple white muslin dress and blue ceinture set off charms of which +I beg to speak with respectful admiration. + +My distinguished friend the Mulligan of Ballymulligan was good +enough to come the very first of the party. By the way, how +awkward it is to be the first of the party! and yet you know +somebody must; but for my part, being timid, I always wait at the +corner of the street in the cab, and watch until some other +carriage comes up. + +Well, as we were arranging the sherry in the decanters down the +supper-tables, my friend arrived: "Hwhares me friend Mr. Titmarsh?" +I heard him bawling out to Gregory in the passage, and presently he +rushed into the supper-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Perkins and myself +were, and as the waiter was announcing "Mr. Mulligan," "THE +Mulligan of Ballymulligan, ye blackguard!" roared he, and stalked +into the apartment, "apologoizing," as he said, for introducing +himself. + +Mr. and Mrs. Perkins did not perhaps wish to be seen in this room, +which was for the present only lighted by a couple of candles; but +HE was not at all abashed by the circumstance, and grasping them +both warmly by the hands, he instantly made himself at home. "As +friends of my dear and talented friend Mick," so he is pleased to +call me, "I'm deloighted, madam, to be made known to ye. Don't +consider me in the light of a mere acquaintance! As for you, my +dear madam, you put me so much in moind of my own blessed mother, +now resoiding at Ballymulligan Castle, that I begin to love ye at +first soight." At which speech Mr. Perkins getting rather alarmed, +asked the Mulligan whether he would take some wine, or go up +stairs. + +"Faix," says Mulligan "it's never too soon for good dhrink." And +(although he smelt very much of whiskey already) he drank a tumbler +of wine "to the improvement of an acqueentence which comminces in a +manner so deloightful." + +"Let's go up stairs, Mulligan," says I, and led the noble Irishman +to the upper apartments, which were in a profound gloom, the +candles not being yet illuminated, and where we surprised Miss +Fanny, seated in the twilight at the piano, timidly trying the +tunes of the polka which she danced so exquisitely that evening. +She did not perceive the stranger at first; but how she started +when the Mulligan loomed upon her. + +"Heavenlee enchanthress!" says Mulligan, "don't floy at the +approach of the humblest of your sleeves! Reshewm your pleece at +that insthrument, which weeps harmonious, or smoils melojious, as +you charrum it! Are you acqueented with the Oirish Melodies? Can +ye play, 'Who fears to talk of Nointy-eight?' the 'Shan Van Voght?' +or the 'Dirge of Ollam Fodhlah?'" + +"Who's this mad chap that Titmarsh has brought?" I heard Master +Bacon exclaim to Master Perkins. "Look! how frightened Fanny +looks!" + +"O poo! gals are ALWAYS frightened," Fanny's brother replied; but +Giles Bacon, more violent, said, "I'll tell you what, Tom: if this +goes on, we must pitch into him." And so I have no doubt they +would, when another thundering knock coming, Gregory rushed into +the room and began lighting all the candles, so as to produce an +amazing brilliancy, Miss Fanny sprang up and ran to her mamma, and +the young gentlemen slid down the banisters to receive the company +in the hall. + + +EVERYBODY BEGINS TO COME, BUT ESPECIALLY MR. MINCHIN. + + +"It's only me and my sisters," Master Bacon said; though "only" +meant eight in this instance. All the young ladies had fresh +cheeks and purple elbows; all had white frocks, with hair more or +less auburn: and so a party was already made of this blooming and +numerous family, before the rest of the company began to arrive. +The three Miss Meggots next came in their fly: Mr. Blades and his +niece from 19 in the square: Captain and Mrs. Struther, and Miss +Struther: Doctor Toddy's two daughters and their mamma: but where +were the gentlemen? The Mulligan, great and active as he was, +could not suffice among so many beauties. At last came a brisk +neat little knock, and looking into the hall, I saw a gentleman +taking off his clogs there, whilst Sir Giles Bacon's big footman +was looking on with rather a contemptuous air. + +"What name shall I enounce?" says he, with a wink at Gregory on the +stair. + +The gentleman in clogs said, with quiet dignity,-- + + + MR. FREDERICK MINCHIN. + + +"Pump Court, Temple," is printed on his cards in very small type: +and he is a rising barrister of the Western Circuit. He is to be +found at home of mornings: afterwards "at Westminster," as you read +on his back door. "Binks and Minchin's Reports" are probably known +to my legal friends: this is the Minchin in question. + +He is decidedly genteel, and is rather in request at the balls of +the Judges' and Serjeants' ladies: for he dances irreproachably, +and goes out to dinner as much as ever he can. + +He mostly dines at the Oxford and Cambridge Club, of which you can +easily see by his appearance that he is a member; he takes the +joint and his half-pint of wine, for Minchin does everything like a +gentleman. He is rather of a literary turn; still makes Latin +verses with some neatness; and before he was called, was remarkably +fond of the flute. + +When Mr. Minchin goes out in the evening, his clerk brings his bag +to the Club, to dress; and if it is at all muddy, he turns up his +trousers, so that he may come in without a speck. For such a party +as this, he will have new gloves; otherwise Frederick, his clerk, +is chiefly employed in cleaning them with India-rubber. + +He has a number of pleasant stories about the Circuit and the +University, which he tells with a simper to his neighbor at dinner; +and has always the last joke of Mr. Baron Maule. He has a private +fortune of five thousand pounds; he is a dutiful son; he has a +sister married, in Harley Street; and Lady Jane Ranville has the +best opinion of him, and says he is a most excellent and highly +principled young man. + +Her ladyship and daughter arrived just as Mr. Minchin had popped +his clogs into the umbrella-stand; and the rank of that respected +person, and the dignified manner in which he led her up stairs, +caused all sneering on the part of the domestics to disappear. + + +THE BALL-ROOM DOOR. + + +A hundred of knocks follow Frederick Minchin's: in half an hour +Messrs. Spoff, Pinch, and Clapperton have begun their music, and +Mulligan, with one of the Miss Bacons, is dancing majestically in +the first quadrille. My young friends Giles and Tom prefer the +landing-place to the drawing-rooms, where they stop all night, +robbing the refreshment-trays as they come up or down. Giles has +eaten fourteen ices: he will have a dreadful stomach-ache to- +morrow. Tom has eaten twelve, but he has had four more glasses of +negus than Giles. Grundsell, the occasional waiter, from whom +Master Tom buys quantities of ginger-beer, can of course deny him +nothing. That is Grundsell, in the tights, with the tray. +Meanwhile direct your attention to the three gentlemen at the door: +they are conversing. + +1st Gent.--Who's the man of the house--the bald man? + +2nd Gent.--Of course. The man of the house is always bald. He's a +stockbroker, I believe. Snooks brought me. + +1st Gent.--Have you been to the tea-room? There's a pretty girl in +the tea-room; blue eyes, pink ribbons, that kind of thing. + +2nd Gent.--Who the deuce is that girl with those tremendous +shoulders? Gad! I do wish somebody would smack 'em. + +3rd Gent.--Sir--that young lady is my niece, sir,--my niece--my +name is Blades, sir. + +2nd Gent.--Well, Blades! smack your niece's shoulders: she deserves +it, begad! she does. Come in, Jinks, present me to the Perkinses.-- +Hullo! here's an old country acquaintance--Lady Bacon, as I live! +with all the piglings; she never goes out without the whole litter. +(Exeunt 1st and 2nd Gents.) + + +LADY BACON, THE MISS BACONS, MR. FLAM. + + +Lady B.--Leonora! Maria! Amelia! here is the gentleman we met at +Sir John Porkington's. + +[The MISSES BACON, expecting to be asked to dance, smile +simultaneously, and begin to smooth their tuckers.] + +Mr. Flam.--Lady Bacon! I couldn't be mistaken in YOU! Won't you +dance, Lady Bacon? + +Lady B.--Go away, you droll creature! + +Mr. Flam.--And these are your ladyship's seven lovely sisters, to +judge from their likenesses to the charming Lady Bacon? + +Lady B.--My sisters, he! he! my DAUGHTERS, Mr. Flam, and THEY +dance, don't you, girls? + +The Misses Bacon.--O yes! + +Mr. Flam.--Gad! how I wish I was a dancing man! + +[Exit FLAM. + + +MR. LARKINS. + + +I have not been able to do justice (only a Lawrence could do that) +to my respected friend Mrs. Perkins, in this picture; but Larkins's +portrait is considered very like. Adolphus Larkins has been long +connected with Mr. Perkins's City establishment, and is asked to +dine twice or thrice per annum. Evening-parties are the great +enjoyment of this simple youth, who, after he has walked from +Kentish Town to Thames Street, and passed twelve hours in severe +labor there, and walked back again to Kentish Town, finds no +greater pleasure than to attire his lean person in that elegant +evening costume which you see, to walk into town again, and to +dance at anybody's house who will invite him. Islington, +Pentonville, Somers Town, are the scenes of many of his exploits; +and I have seen this good-natured fellow performing figure-dances +at Notting-hill, at a house where I am ashamed to say there was no +supper, no negus even to speak of, nothing but the bare merits of +the polka in which Adolphus revels. To describe this gentleman's +infatuation for dancing, let me say, in a word, that he will even +frequent boarding-house hops, rather than not go. + +He has clogs, too, like Minchin: but nobody laughs at HIM. He +gives himself no airs; but walks into a house with a knock and a +demeanor so tremulous and humble, that the servants rather +patronize him. He does not speak, or have any particular opinions, +but when the time comes, begins to dance. He bleats out a word or +two to his partner during this operation, seems very weak and sad +during the whole performance, and, of course, is set to dance with +the ugliest women everywhere. + +The gentle, kind spirit! when I think of him night after night, +hopping and jigging, and trudging off to Kentish Town, so gently, +through the fogs, and mud, and darkness: I do not know whether I +ought to admire him, because his enjoyments are so simple, and his +dispositions so kindly; or laugh at him, because he draws his life +so exquisitely mild. Well, well, we can't be all roaring lions in +this world; there must be SOME lambs, and harmless, kindly, +gregarious creatures for eating and shearing. See! even good- +natured Mrs. Perkins is leading up the trembling Larkins to the +tremendous Miss Bunion! + + +MISS BUNION. + + +The Poetess, author of "Heartstrings," "The Deadly Nightshade," +"Passion Flowers," &c. Though her poems breathe only of love, Miss +B. has never been married. She is nearly six feet high; she loves +waltzing beyond even poesy; and I think lobster-salad as much as +either. She confesses to twenty-eight; in which case her first +volume, "The Orphan of Gozo," (cut up by Mr. Rigby, in the +Quarterly, with his usual kindness,) must have been published when +she was three years old. + +For a woman all soul, she certainly eats as much as any woman I +ever saw. The sufferings she has had to endure, are, she says, +beyond compare; the poems which she writes breathe a withering +passion, a smouldering despair, an agony of spirit that would melt +the soul of a drayman, were he to read them. Well, it is a comfort +to see that she can dance of nights, and to know (for the habits of +illustrious literary persons are always worth knowing) that she +eats a hot mutton-chop for breakfast every morning of her blighted +existence. + +She lives in a boardinghouse at Brompton, and comes to the party in +a fly. + + +MR. HICKS. + + +It is worth twopence to see Miss Bunion and Poseidon Hicks, the +great poet, conversing with one another, and to talk of one to the +other afterwards. How they hate each other! I (in my wicked way) +have sent Hicks almost raving mad, by praising Bunion to him in +confidence; and you can drive Bunion out of the room by a few +judicious panegyrics of Hicks. + +Hicks first burst upon the astonished world with poems, in the +Byronic manner: "The Death-Shriek," "The Bastard of Lara," "The +Atabal," "The Fire-Ship of Botzaris," and other works. His "Love +Lays," in Mr. Moore's early style, were pronounced to be +wonderfully precocious for a young gentleman then only thirteen, +and in a commercial academy, at Tooting. + +Subsequently, this great bard became less passionate and more +thoughtful; and, at the age of twenty, wrote "Idiosyncracy" (in +forty books, 4to.): "Ararat," "a stupendous epic," as the reviews +said; and "The Megatheria," "a magnificent contribution to our pre- +Adamite literature," according to the same authorities. Not having +read these works, it would ill become me to judge them; but I know +that poor Jingle, the publisher, always attributed his insolvency +to the latter epic, which was magnificently printed in elephant +folio. + +Hicks has now taken a classical turn, and has brought out +"Poseidon," "Iacchus," "Hephaestus," and I dare say is going +through the mythology. But I should not like to try him at a +passage of the Greek Delectus, any more than twenty thousand others +of us who have had a "classical education." + +Hicks was taken in an inspired attitude regarding the chandelier, +and pretending he didn't know that Miss Pettifer was looking at +him. + +Her name is Anna Maria (daughter of Higgs and Pettifer, solicitors, +Bedford Row); but Hicks calls her "Ianthe" in his album verses, and +is himself an eminent drysalter in the city. + + +MISS MEGGOT. + + +Poor Miss Meggot is not so lucky as Miss Bunion. Nobody comes to +dance with HER, though she has a new frock on, as she calls it, and +rather a pretty foot, which she always manages to stick out. + +She is forty-seven, the youngest of three sisters, who live a +mouldy old house, near Middlesex Hospital, where they have lived +for I don't know how many score of years; but this is certain: the +eldest Miss Meggot saw the Gordon Riots out of that same parlor +window, and tells the story how her father (physician to George +III.) was robbed of his queue in the streets on that occasion. The +two old ladies have taken the brevet rank, and are addressed as +Mrs. Jane and Mrs. Betsy: one of them is at whist in the back +drawing-room. But the youngest is still called Miss Nancy, and is +considered quite a baby by her sisters. + +She was going to be married once to a brave young officer, Ensign +Angus Macquirk, of the Whistlebinkie Fencibles; but he fell at +Quatre Bras, by the side of the gallant Snuffmull, his commander. +Deeply, deeply did Miss Nancy deplore him. + +But time has cicatrized the wounded heart. She is gay now, and +would sing or dance, ay, or marry if anybody asked her. + +Do go, my dear friend--I don't mean to ask her to marry, but to ask +her to dance.--Never mind the looks of the thing. It will make her +happy; and what does it cost you? Ah, my dear fellow! take this +counsel: always dance with the old ladies--always dance with the +governesses. It is a comfort to the poor things when they get up +in their garret that somebody has had mercy on them. And such a +handsome fellow as YOU too! + + +MISS RANVILLE, REV. MR. TOOP, MISS MULLINS, MR. WINTER. + + +Mr. W. Miss Mullins, look at Miss Ranville: what a picture of good +humor. + +Miss M.--Oh, you satirical creature! + +Mr. W.--Do you know why she is so angry? she expected to dance with +Captain Grig, and by some mistake, the Cambridge Professor got hold +of her: isn't he a handsome man? + +Miss M.--Oh, you droll wretch! + +Mr. W.--Yes, he's a fellow of college--fellows mayn't marry, Miss +Mullins--poor fellows, ay, Miss Mullins? + +Miss M.--La! + +Mr. W.--And Professor of Phlebotomy in the University. He flatters +himself he is a man of the world, Miss Mullins, and always dances +in the long vacation. + +Miss M.--You malicious, wicked monster! + +Mr. W.--Do you know Lady Jane Ranville? Miss Ranville's mamma. A +ball once a year; footmen in canary-colored livery: Baker Street; +six dinners in the season; starves all the year round; pride and +poverty, you know; I've been to her ball ONCE. Ranville Ranville's +her brother, and between you and me--but this, dear Miss Mullins, +is a profound secret,--I think he's a greater fool than his sister. + +Miss M.--Oh, you satirical, droll, malicious, wicked thing you! + +Mr. W.--You do me injustice, Miss Mullins, indeed you do. + +[Chaine Anglaise.] + + +MISS JOY, MR. AND MRS. JOY, MR. BOTTER. + + +Mr. B.--What spirits that girl has, Mrs. Joy! + +Mr. J.--She's a sunshine in a house, Botter, a regular sunshine. +When Mrs. J. here's in a bad humor, I . . . + +Mrs. J.--Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Joy. + +Mrs. B.--There's a hop, skip, and jump for you! Why, it beats +Ellsler! Upon my conscience it does! It's her fourteenth +quadrille too. There she goes! She's a jewel of a girl, though I +say it that shouldn't. + +Mrs. J. (laughing).--Why don't you marry her, Botter? Shall I +speak to her? I dare say she'd have you. You're not so VERY old. + +Mr. B.--Don't aggravate me, Mrs. J. You know when I lost my heart +in the year 1817, at the opening of Waterloo Bridge, to a young +lady who wouldn't have me, and left me to die in despair, and +married Joy, of the Stock Exchange. + +Mrs. J. Get away, you foolish old creature. + +[MR. JOY looks on in ecstasies at Miss Joy's agility. LADY JANE +RANVILLE, of Baker Street, pronounces her to be an exceedingly +forward person. CAPTAIN DOBBS likes a girl who has plenty of go in +her; and as for FRED SPARKS, he is over head and ears in love with +her.] + + +MR. RANVILLE RANVILLE AND JACK HUBBARD. + + +This is Miss Ranville Ranville's brother, Mr. Ranville Ranville, of +the Foreign Office, faithfully designed as he was playing at whist +in the card-room. Talleyrand used to play at whist at the +"Travellers'," that is why Ranville Ranville indulges in that +diplomatic recreation. It is not his fault if he be not the +greatest man in the room. + +If you speak to him, he smiles sternly, and answers in monosyllables +he would rather die than commit himself. He never has committed +himself in his life. He was the first at school, and distinguished +at Oxford. He is growing prematurely bald now, like Canning, and is +quite proud of it. He rides in St. James's Park of a morning before +breakfast. He dockets his tailor's bills, and nicks off his +dinner-notes in diplomatic paragraphs, and keeps precis of them all. +If he ever makes a joke, it is a quotation from Horace, like Sir +Robert Peel. The only relaxation he permits himself, is to read +Thucydides in the holidays. + +Everybody asks him out to dinner, on account of his brass-buttons +with the Queen's cipher, and to have the air of being well with the +Foreign Office. "Where I dine," he says solemnly, "I think it is +my duty to go to evening-parties." That is why he is here. He +never dances, never sups, never drinks. He has gruel when he goes +home to bed. I think it is in his brains. + +He is such an ass and so respectable, that one wonders he has not +succeeded in the world; and yet somehow they laugh at him; and you +and I shall be Ministers as soon as he will. + +Yonder, making believe to look over the print-books, is that merry +rogue, Jack Hubbard. + +See how jovial he looks! He is the life and soul of every party, +and his impromptu singing after supper will make you die of +laughing. He is meditating an impromptu now, and at the same time +thinking about a bill that is coming due next Thursday. Happy dog! + + +MRS. TROTTER, MISS TROTTER, MISS TOADY, LORD METHUSELAH. + + +Dear Emma Trotter has been silent and rather ill-humored all the +evening until now her pretty face lights up with smiles. Cannot +you guess why? Pity the simple and affectionate creature! Lord +Methuselah has not arrived until this moment: and see how the +artless girl steps forward to greet him! + +In the midst of all the selfishness and turmoil of the world, how +charming it is to find virgin hearts quite unsullied, and to look +on at little romantic pictures of mutual love! Lord Methuselah, +though you know his age by the peerage--though he is old, wigged, +gouty, rouged, wicked, has lighted up a pure flame in that gentle +bosom. There was a talk about Tom Willoughby last year; and then, +for a time, young Hawbuck (Sir John Hawbuck's youngest son) seemed +the favored man; but Emma never knew her mind until she met the +dear creature before you in a Rhine steamboat. "Why are you so +late, Edward?" says she. Dear artless child! + +Her mother looks on with tender satisfaction. One can appreciate +the joys of such an admirable parent! + +"Look at them!" says Miss Toady. "I vow and protest they're the +handsomest couple in the room!" + +Methuselah's grandchildren are rather jealous and angry, and +Mademoiselle Ariane, of the French theatre, is furious. But +there's no accounting for the mercenary envy of some people; and +it is impossible to satisfy everybody. + + +MR. BEAUMORIS, MR. GRIG, MR. FLYNDERS. + + +Those three young men are described in a twinkling: Captain Grig of +the Heavies; Mr. Beaumoris, the handsome young man; Tom Flinders +(Flynders Flynders he now calls himself), the fat gentleman who +dresses after Beaumoris. + +Beaumoris is in the Treasury: he has a salary of eighty pounds a +year, on which he maintains the best cab and horses of the season; +and out of which he pays seventy guineas merely for his subscriptions +to clubs. He hunts in Leicestershire, where great men mount him; he +is a prodigious favorite behind the scenes at the theatres; you may +get glimpses of him at Richmond, with all sorts of pink bonnets; and +he is the sworn friend of half the most famous roues about town, +such as Old Methuselah, Lord Billygoat, Lord Tarquin, and the rest: +a respectable race. It is to oblige the former that the +good-natured young fellow is here to-night; though it must not be +imagined that he gives himself any airs of superiority. Dandy as he +is, he is quite affable, and would borrow ten guineas from any man +in the room, in the most jovial way possible. + +It is neither Beau's birth, which is doubtful; nor his money, which +is entirely negative; nor his honesty, which goes along with his +money-qualification; nor his wit, for he can barely spell,--which +recommend him to the fashionable world: but a sort of Grand +Seigneur splendor and dandified je ne scais quoi, which make the +man he is of him. The way in which his boots and gloves fit him is +a wonder which no other man can achieve; and though he has not an +atom of principle, it must be confessed that he invented the +Taglioni shirt. + +When I see these magnificent dandies yawning out of "White's," or +caracoling in the Park on shining chargers, I like to think that +Brummell was the greatest of them all, and that Brummell's father +was a footman. + +Flynders is Beaumoris's toady: lends him money: buys horses through +his recommendation; dresses after him; clings to him in Pall Mall, +and on the steps of the club; and talks about 'Bo' in all +societies. It is his drag which carries down Bo's friends to the +Derby, and his cheques pay for dinners to the pink bonnets. I +don't believe the Perkinses know what a rogue it is, but fancy him +a decent, reputable City man, like his father before him. + +As for Captain Grig, what is there to tell about him? He performs +the duties of his calling with perfect gravity. He is faultless on +parade; excellent across country; amiable when drunk, rather slow +when sober. He has not two ideas, and is a most good-natured, +irreproachable, gallant, and stupid young officer. + + +CAVALIER SEUL. + + +This is my friend Bob Hely, performing the Cavalier seul in a +quadrille. Remark the good-humored pleasure depicted in his +countenance. Has he any secret grief? Has he a pain anywhere? +No, dear Miss Jones, he is dancing like a true Briton, and with all +the charming gayety and abandon of our race. + +When Canaillard performs that Cavalier seul operation, does HE +flinch? No: he puts on his most vainqueur look, he sticks his +thumbs into the armholes of his waistcoat, and advances, retreats, +pirouettes, and otherwise gambadoes, as though to say, "Regarde +moi, O monde! Venez, O femmes, venez voir danser Canaillard!" + +When De Bobwitz executes the same measure, he does it with smiling +agility, and graceful ease. + +But poor Hely, if he were advancing to a dentist, his face would +not be more cheerful. All the eyes of the room are upon him, he +thinks; and he thinks he looks like a fool. + +Upon my word, if you press the point with me, dear Miss Jones, I +think he is not very far from right. I think that while Frenchmen +and Germans may dance, as it is their nature to do, there is a +natural dignity about us Britons, which debars us from that +enjoyment. I am rather of the Turkish opinion, that this should +be done for us. I think . . . + +"Good-by, you envious old fox-and-the-grapes," says Miss Jones, and +the next moment I see her whirling by in a polka with Tom Tozer, at +a pace which makes me shrink back with terror into the little +boudoir. + + +M. CANAILLARD, CHEVALIER OF THE LEGION OF HONOR. + +LIEUTENANT BARON DE BOBWITZ. + + +Canaillard. Oh, ces Anglais! quels hommes, mon Dieu! Comme ils +sont habilles, comme ils dansent! + +Bobwitz.--Ce sont de beaux hommes bourtant; point de tenue +militaire, mais de grands gaillards; si je les avais dans ma +compagnie de la Garde, j'en ferai de bons soldats. + +Canaillard.--Est-il bete, cet Allemand! Les grands hommes ne font +pas toujours de bons soldats, Monsieur. Il me semble que les +soldats de France qui sont de ma taille, Monsieur, valent un peu +mieux . . . + +Bobwitz.--Vous croyez? + +Canaillard.--Comment! je le crois, Monsieur? J'en suis sur! Il me +semble, Monsieur, que nous l'avons prouve. + +Bobwitz (impatiently).--Je m'en vais danser la Bolka. Serviteur, +Monsieur. + +Canaillard.--Butor! (He goes and looks at himself in the glass, +when he is seized by Mrs. Perkins for the Polka.) + + +THE BOUDOIR. + +MR. SMITH, MR. BROWN, MISS BUSTLETON. + + +Mr. Brown.--You polk, Miss Bustleton? I'm SO delaighted. + +Miss Bustleton.--[Smiles and prepares to rise.] + +Mr. Smith.--D--- puppy. + +(Poor Smith don't polk.) + + +GRAND POLKA. + + +Though a quadrille seems to me as dreary as a funeral, yet to look +at a polka, I own, is pleasant. See! Brown and Emily Bustleton +are whirling round as light as two pigeons over a dovecot; Tozer, +with that wicked whisking little Jones, spins along as merrily as a +May-day sweep; Miss Joy is the partner of the happy Fred Sparks; +and even Miss Ranville is pleased, for the faultless Captain Grig +is toe and heel with her. Beaumoris, with rather a nonchalant air, +takes a turn with Miss Trotter, at which Lord Methuseleh's wrinkled +chops quiver uneasily. See! how the big Baron de Bobwitz spins +lightly, and gravely, and gracefully round; and lo! the Frenchman +staggering under the weight of Miss Bunion, who tramps and kicks +like a young cart-horse. + +But the most awful sight which met my view in this dance was the +unfortunate Miss Little, to whom fate had assigned THE MULLIGAN as +a partner. Like a pavid kid in the talons of an eagle, that young +creature trembled in his huge Milesian grasp. Disdaining the +recognized form of the dance, the Irish chieftain accommodated the +music to the dance of his own green land, and performed a double +shuffle jig, carrying Miss Little along with him. Miss Ranville +and her Captain shrank back amazed; Miss Trotter skirried out of +his way into the protection of the astonished Lord Methuselah; Fred +Sparks could hardly move for laughing; while, on the contrary, Miss +Joy was quite in pain for poor Sophy Little. As Canaillard and the +Poetess came up, The Mulligan, in the height of his enthusiasm, +lunged out a kick which sent Miss Bunion howling; and concluded +with a tremendous Hurroo!--a war-cry which caused every Saxon heart +to shudder and quail. + +"Oh that the earth would open and kindly take me in!" I exclaimed +mentally; and slunk off into the lower regions, where by this time +half the company were at supper. + + +THE SUPPER. + + +The supper is going on behind the screen. There is no need to draw +the supper. We all know that sort of transaction: the squabbling, +and gobbling, and popping of champagne; the smell of musk and +lobster-salad; the dowagers chumping away at plates of raised pie; +the young lassies nibbling at little titbits, which the dexterous +young gentlemen procure. Three large men, like doctors of +divinity, wait behind the table, and furnish everything that +appetite can ask for. I never, for my part, can eat any supper for +wondering at those men. I believe if you were to ask them for +mashed turnips, or a slice of crocodile, those astonishing people +would serve you. What a contempt they must have for the guttling +crowd to whom they minister--those solemn pastry-cook's men! How +they must hate jellies, and game-pies, and champagne, in their +hearts! How they must scorn my poor friend Grundsell behind the +screen, who is sucking at a bottle! + +This disguised green-grocer is a very well-known character in the +neighborhood of Pocklington Square. He waits at the parties of the +gentry in the neighborhood, and though, of course, despised in +families where a footman is kept, is a person of much importance in +female establishments. + +Miss Jonas always employs him at her parties, and says to her page, +"Vincent, send the butler, or send Desborough to me;" by which name +she chooses to designate G. G. + +When the Miss Frumps have post-horses to their carriage, and pay +visits, Grundsell always goes behind. Those ladies have the +greatest confidence in him, have been godmothers to fourteen of his +children, and leave their house in his charge when they go to +Bognor for the summer. He attended those ladies when they were +presented at the last drawing-room of her Majesty Queen Charlotte. + + + GEORGE GRUNDSELL, + + GREEN-GROCER AND SALESMAN, + + 9, LITTLE POCKLINGTON BUILDINGS, + + LATE CONFIDENTIAL SERVANT IN THE FAMILY OF + + THE LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. + + + Carpets Beat.--Knives and Boots cleaned per contract.--Errands + faithfully performed--G. G. attends Ball and Dinner parties, + and from his knowledge of the most distinguished Families in + London, confidently recommends his services to the + distinguished neighbourhood of Pocklington Square. + + +Mr. Grundsell's state costume is a blue coat and copper buttons, a +white waistcoat, and an immense frill and shirt-collar. He was for +many years a private watchman, and once canvassed for the office of +parish clerk of St. Peter's Pocklington. He can be intrusted with +untold spoons; with anything, in fact, but liquor; and it was he +who brought round the cards for MRS. PERKINS'S BALL. + + +AFTER SUPPER. + + +I do not intend to say any more about it. After the people had +supped, they went back and danced. Some supped again. I gave Miss +Bunion, with my own hands, four bumpers of champagne: and such a +quantity of goose-liver and truffles, that I don't wonder she took +a glass of cherry-brandy afterwards. The gray morning was in +Pocklington Square as she drove away in her fly. So did the other +people go away. How green and sallow some of the girls looked, and +how awfully clear Mrs. Colonel Bludyer's rouge was! Lady Jane +Ranville's great coach had roared away down the streets long +before. Fred Minchin pattered off in his clogs: it was I who +covered up Miss Meggot, and conducted her, with her two old +sisters, to the carriage. Good old souls! They have shown their +gratitude by asking me to tea next Tuesday. Methuselah is gone to +finish the night at the club. "Mind to-morrow," Miss Trotter says, +kissing her hand out of the carriage. Canaillard departs, asking +the way to "Lesterre Squar." They all go away--life goes away. + +Look at Miss Martin and young Ward! How tenderly the rogue is +wrapping her up! how kindly she looks at him! The old folks are +whispering behind as they wait for their carriage. What is their +talk, think you? and when shall that pair make a match? When you +see those pretty little creatures with their smiles and their +blushes, and their pretty ways, would you like to be the Grand +Bashaw? + +"Mind and send me a large piece of cake," I go up and whisper +archly to old Mr. Ward: and we look on rather sentimentally at the +couple, almost the last in the rooms (there, I declare, go the +musicians, and the clock is at five)--when Grundsell, with an air +effare, rushes up to me and says, "For e'v'n sake, sir, go into the +supper-room: there's that Hirish gent a-pitchin' into Mr. P." + + +THE MULLIGAN AND MR. PERKINS. + + +It was too true. I had taken him away after supper (he ran after +Miss Little's carriage, who was dying in love with him as he +fancied), but the brute had come back again. The doctors of +divinity were putting up their condiments: everybody was gone; but +the abominable Mulligan sat swinging his legs at the lonely supper- +table! + +Perkins was opposite, gasping at him. + +The Mulligan.--I tell ye, ye are the butler, ye big fat man. Go +get me some more champagne: it's good at this house. + +Mr. Perkins (with dignity).--It IS good at this house; but-- + +The Mulligan.--Bht hwhat, ye goggling, bow-windowed jackass? Go +get the wine, and we'll dthrink it together, my old buck. + +Mr. Perkins.--My name, sir, is PERKINS. + +The Mulligan.--Well, that rhymes with jerkins, my man of firkins; +so don't let us have any more shirkings and lurkings, Mr. Perkins. + +Mr. Perkins (with apoplectic energy).--Sir, I am the master of this +house; and I order you to quit it. I'll not be insulted, sir. +I'll send for a policeman, sir. What do you mean, Mr. Titmarsh, +sir, by bringing this--this beast into my house, sir? + +At this, with a scream like that of a Hyrcanian tiger, Mulligan of +the hundred battles sprang forward at his prey; but we were +beforehand with him. Mr. Gregory, Mr. Grundsell, Sir Giles Bacon's +large man, the young gentlemen, and myself, rushed simultaneously +upon the tipsy chieftain, and confined him. The doctors of +divinity looked on with perfect indifference. That Mr. Perkins did +not go off in a fit is a wonder. He was led away heaving and +snorting frightfully. + +Somebody smashed Mulligan's hat over his eyes, and I led him forth +into the silent morning. The chirrup of the birds, the freshness +of the rosy air, and a penn'orth of coffee that I got for him at a +stall in the Regent Circus, revived him somewhat. When I quitted +him, he was not angry but sad. He was desirous, it is true, of +avenging the wrongs of Erin in battle line; he wished also to share +the grave of Sarsfield and Hugh O'Neill; but he was sure that Miss +Perkins, as well as Miss Little, was desperately in love with him; +and I left him on a doorstep in tears. + + +"Is it best to be laughing-mad, or crying-mad, in the world?" says +I moodily, coming into my street. Betsy the maid was already up +and at work, on her knees, scouring the steps, and cheerfully +beginning her honest daily labor. + + + + +OUR STREET + +BY MR. M. A TITMARSH. + + +Our street, from the little nook which I occupy in it, and whence +I and a fellow-lodger and friend of mine cynically observe it, +presents a strange motley scene. We are in a state of transition. +We are not as yet in the town, and we have left the country, where +we were when I came to lodge with Mrs. Cammysole, my excellent +landlady. I then took second-floor apartments at No. 17, Waddilove +Street, and since, although I have never moved (having various +little comforts about me), I find myself living at No. 46A, +Pocklington Gardens. + +Why is this? Why am I to pay eighteen shillings instead of +fifteen? I was quite as happy in Waddilove Street; but the fact +is, a great portion of that venerable old district has passed away, +and we are being absorbed into the splendid new white-stuccoed +Doric-porticoed genteel Pocklington quarter. Sir Thomas Gibbs +Pocklington, M. P. for the borough of Lathanplaster, is the founder +of the district and his own fortune. The Pocklington Estate Office +is in the Square, on a line with Waddil--with Pocklington Gardens I +mean. The old inn, the "Ram and Magpie," where the market- +gardeners used to bait, came out this year with a new white face +and title, the shield, &c. of the "Pocklington Arms." Such a +shield it is! Such quarterings! Howard, Cavendish, De Ros, De la +Zouche, all mingled together. + +Even our house, 46A, which Mrs. Cammysole has had painted white in +compliment to the Gardens of which it now forms part, is a sort of +impostor, and has no business to be called Gardens at all. Mr. +Gibbs, Sir Thomas's agent and nephew, is furious at our daring to +take the title which belongs to our betters. The very next door +(No. 46, the Honorable Mrs. Mountnoddy,) is a house of five +stories, shooting up proudly into the air, thirty feet above our +old high-roofed low-roomed old tenement. Our house belongs to +Captain Bragg, not only the landlord but the son-in-law of Mrs. +Cammysole, who lives a couple of hundred yards down the street, at +"The Bungalow." He was the commander of the "Ram Chunder" East +Indiaman, and has quarrelled with the Pocklingtons ever since he +bought houses in the parish. + +He it is who will not sell or alter his houses to suit the spirit +of the times. He it is who, though he made the widow Cammysole +change the name of her street, will not pull down the house next +door, nor the baker's next, nor the iron-bedstead and feather +warehouse ensuing, nor the little barber's with the pole, nor, I am +ashamed to say, the tripe-shop, still standing. The barber powders +the heads of the great footmen from Pocklington Gardens; they are +so big that they can scarcely sit in his little premises. And the +old tavern, the "East Indiaman," is kept by Bragg's ship-steward, +and protests against the "Pocklington Arms." + +Down the road is Pocklington Chapel, Rev. Oldham Slocum--in brick, +with arched windows and a wooden belfry: sober, dingy, and hideous. +In the centre of Pocklington Gardens rises St. Waltheof's, the Rev. +Cyril Thuryfer and assistants--a splendid Anglo-Norman edifice, +vast, rich, elaborate, bran new, and intensely old. Down Avemary +Lane you may hear the clink of the little Romish chapel bell. And +hard by is a large broad-shouldered Ebenezer (Rev. Jonas Gronow), +out of the windows of which the hymns come booming all Sunday long. + +Going westward along the line, we come presently to Comandine House +(on a part of the gardens of which Comandine Gardens is about to be +erected by his lordship); farther on, "The Pineries," Mr. and Lady +Mary Mango: and so we get into the country, and out of Our Street +altogether, as I may say. But in the half-mile, over which it may +be said to extend, we find all sorts and conditions of people--from +the Right Honorable Lord Comandine down to the present topographer; +who being of no rank as it were, has the fortune to be treated on +almost friendly footing by all, from his lordship down to the +tradesman. + + +OUR HOUSE IN OUR STREET + + +We must begin our little descriptions where they say charity should +begin--at home. Mrs. Cammysole, my landlady, will be rather +surprised when she reads this, and finds that a good-natured +tenant, who has never complained of her impositions for fifteen +years, understands every one of her tricks, and treats them, not +with anger, but with scorn--with silent scorn. + +On the 18th of December, 1837, for instance, coming gently down +stairs, and before my usual wont, I saw you seated in my arm-chair, +peeping into a letter that came from my aunt in the country, just +as if it had been addressed to you, and not to "M. A. Titmarsh, +Esq." Did I make any disturbance? far from it; I slunk back to my +bedroom (being enabled to walk silently in the beautiful pair of +worsted slippers Miss Penelope J--s worked for me: they are worn +out now, dear Penelope!) and then rattling open the door with a +great noise, descending the stairs, singing "Son vergin vezzosa" at +the top of my voice. You were not in my sitting-room, Mrs. +Cammysole, when I entered that apartment. + +You have been reading all my letters, papers, manuscripts, +brouillons of verses, inchoate articles for the Morning Post and +Morning Chronicle, invitations to dinner and tea--all my family +letters, all Eliza Townley's letters, from the first, in which she +declared that to be the bride of her beloved Michelagnolo was the +fondest wish of her maiden heart, to the last, in which she +announced that her Thomas was the best of husbands, and signed +herself "Eliza Slogger;" all Mary Farmer's letters, all Emily +Delamere's; all that poor foolish old Miss MacWhirter's, whom I +would as soon marry as ----: in a word, I know that you, you hawk- +beaked, keen-eyed, sleepless, indefatigable old Mrs. Cammysole, +have read all my papers for these fifteen years. + +I know that you cast your curious old eyes over all the manuscripts +which you find in my coat-pockets and those of my pantaloons, as +they hang in a drapery over the door-handle of my bedroom. + +I know that you count the money in my green and gold purse, which +Lucy Netterville gave me, and speculate on the manner in which I +have laid out the difference between to-day and yesterday. + +I know that you have an understanding with the laundress (to whom +you say that you are all-powerful with me), threatening to take +away my practice from her, unless she gets up gratis some of your +fine linen. + +I know that we both have a pennyworth of cream for breakfast, which +is brought in in the same little can; and I know who has the most +for her share. + +I know how many lumps of sugar you take from each pound as it +arrives. I have counted the lumps, you old thief, and for years +have never said a word, except to Miss Clapperclaw, the first-floor +lodger. Once I put a bottle of pale brandy into that cupboard, of +which you and I only have keys, and the liquor wasted and wasted +away until it was all gone. You drank the whole of it, you wicked +old woman. You a lady, indeed! + +I know your rage when they did me the honor to elect me a member of +the "Poluphloisboiothalasses Club," and I ceased consequently to +dine at home. When I DID dine at home,--on a beefsteak let us +say,--I should like to know what you had for supper. You first +amputated portions of the meat when raw; you abstracted more when +cooked. Do you think I was taken in by your flimsy pretences? I +wonder how you could dare to do such things before your maids (you +a clergyman's daughter and widow, indeed), whom you yourself were +always charging with roguery. + +Yes, the insolence of the old woman is unbearable, and I must break +out at last. If she goes off in a fit at reading this, I am sure I +shan't mind. She has two unhappy wenches, against whom her old +tongue is clacking from morning till night: she pounces on them at +all hours. It was but this morning at eight, when poor Molly was +brooming the steps, and the baker paying her by no means unmerited +compliments, that my landlady came whirling out of the ground-floor +front, and sent the poor girl whimpering into the kitchen. + +Were it but for her conduct to her maids I was determined publicly +to denounce her. These poor wretches she causes to lead the lives +of demons; and not content with bullying them all day, she sleeps +at night in the same room with them, so that she may have them up +before daybreak, and scold them while they are dressing. + +Certain it is, that between her and Miss Clapperclaw, on the first +floor, the poor wenches lead a dismal life. + +It is to you that I owe most of my knowledge of our neighbors; from +you it is that most of the facts and observations contained in +these brief pages are taken. Many a night, over our tea, have we +talked amiably about our neighbors and their little failings; and +as I know that you speak of mine pretty freely, why, let me say, my +dear Bessy, that if we have not built up Our Street between us, at +least we have pulled it to pieces. + + +THE BUNGALOW--CAPTAIN AND MRS. BRAGG. + + +Long, long ago, when Our Street was the country--a stagecoach +between us and London passing four times a day--I do not care to +own that it was a sight of Flora Cammysole's face, under the card +of her mamma's "Lodgings to Let," which first caused me to become a +tenant of Our Street. A fine good-humored lass she was then; and I +gave her lessons (part out of the rent) in French and flower- +painting. She has made a fine rich marriage since, although her +eyes have often seemed to me to say, "Ah, Mr. T., why didn't you, +when there was yet time, and we both of us were free, propose--you +know what?" "Psha! Where was the money, my dear madam?" + +Captain Bragg, then occupied in building Bungalow Lodge--Bragg, I +say, living on the first floor, and entertaining sea-captains, +merchants, and East Indian friends with his grand ship's plate, +being disappointed in a project of marrying a director's daughter, +who was also a second cousin once removed of a peer,--sent in a +fury for Mrs. Cammysole, his landlady, and proposed to marry Flora +off-hand, and settle four hundred a year upon her. Flora was +ordered from the back-parlor (the ground-floor occupies the second- +floor bedroom), and was on the spot made acquainted with the +splendid offer which the first-floor had made her. She has been +Mrs. Captain Bragg these twelve years. + +Bragg to this day wears anchor-buttons, and has a dress-coat with a +gold strap for epaulets, in case he should have a fancy to sport +them. His house is covered with portraits, busts, and miniatures +of himself. His wife is made to wear one of the latter. On his +sideboard are pieces of plate, presented by the passengers of the +"Ram Chunder" to Captain Bragg: "The 'Ram Chunder' East Indiaman, +in a gale, off Table Bay;" "The Outward-bound Fleet, under convoy +of her Majesty's frigate 'Loblollyboy,' Captain Gutch, beating off +the French squadron, under Commodore Leloup (the 'Ram Chunder,' +S.E. by E., is represented engaged with the 'Mirliton' corvette);" +"The 'Ram Chunder' standing into the Hooghly, with Captain Bragg, +his telescope and speaking-trumpet, on the poop;" "Captain Bragg +presenting the Officers of the 'Ram Chunder' to General Bonaparte +at St. Helena--TITMARSH" (this fine piece was painted by me when I +was in favor with Bragg); in a word, Bragg and the "Ram Chunder" +are all over the house. + +Although I have eaten scores of dinners at Captain Bragg's charge, +yet his hospitality is so insolent, that none of us who frequent +his mahogany feel any obligation to our braggart entertainer. + +After he has given one of his great heavy dinners he always takes +an opportunity to tell you, in the most public way, how many +bottles of wine were drunk. His pleasure is to make his guests +tipsy, and to tell everybody how and when the period of inebriation +arose. And Miss Clapperclaw tells me that he often comes over +laughing and giggling to her, and pretending that he has brought ME +into this condition--a calumny which I fling contemptuously in his +face. + +He scarcely gives any but men's parties, and invites the whole club +home to dinner. What is the compliment of being asked, when the +whole club is asked too, I should like to know? Men's parties are +only good for boys. I hate a dinner where there are no women. +Bragg sits at the head of his table, and bullies the solitary Mrs. +Bragg. + +He entertains us with stories of storms which he, Bragg, +encountered--of dinners which he, Bragg, has received from the +Governor-General of India--of jokes which he, Bragg, has heard; +and however stale or odious they may be, poor Mrs. B. is always +expected to laugh. + +Woe be to her if she doesn't, or if she laughs at anybody else's +jokes. I have seen Bragg go up to her and squeeze her arm with a +savage grind of his teeth, and say, with an oath, "Hang it, madam, +how dare you laugh when any man but your husband speaks to you? I +forbid you to grin in that way. I forbid you to look sulky. I +forbid you to look happy, or to look up, or to keep your eyes down +to the ground. I desire you will not be trapesing through the +rooms. I order you not to sit as still as a stone." He curses her +if the wine is corked, or if the dinner is spoiled, or if she comes +a minute too soon to the club for him, or arrives a minute too +late. He forbids her to walk, except upon his arm. And the +consequence of his ill treatment is, that Mrs. Cammysole and Mrs. +Bragg respect him beyond measure, and think him the first of human +beings. + +"I never knew a woman who was constantly bullied by her husband who +did not like him the better for it," Miss Clapperclaw says. And +though this speech has some of Clapp's usual sardonic humor in it, +I can't but think there is some truth in the remark. + + +LEVANT HOUSE CHAMBERS. + +MR. RUMBOLD, A.R.A., AND MISS RUMBOLD. + + +When Lord Levant quitted the country and this neighborhood, in +which the tradesmen still deplore him, No. 56, known as Levantine +House, was let to the "Pococurante Club," which was speedily +bankrupt (for we are too far from the centre of town to support a +club of our own); it was subsequently hired by the West Diddlesex +Railroad; and is now divided into sets of chambers, superintended +by an acrimonious housekeeper, and by a porter in a sham livery: +whom, if you don't find him at the door, you may as well seek at +the "Grapes" public-house, in the little lane round the corner. He +varnishes the japan-boots of the dandy lodgers; reads Mr. Pinkney's +Morning Post before he lets him have it; and neglects the letters +of the inmates of the chambers generally. + +The great rooms, which were occupied as the salons of the noble +Levant, the coffee-rooms of the "Pococurante" (a club where the +play was furious, as I am told), and the board-room and manager's- +room of the West Diddlesex, are tenanted now by a couple of +artists: young Pinkney the miniaturist, and George Rumbold the +historical painter. Miss Rumbold, his sister lives with him, by +the way; but with that young lady of course we have nothing to do. + +I knew both these gentlemen at Rome, where George wore a velvet +doublet and a beard down to his chest, and used to talk about high +art at the "Caffe Greco." How it smelled of smoke, that velveteen +doublet of his, with which his stringy red beard was likewise +perfumed! It was in his studio that I had the honor to be +introduced to his sister, the fair Miss Clara: she had a large +casque with a red horse-hair plume (I thought it had been a wisp of +her brother's beard at first), and held a tin-headed spear in her +hand, representing a Roman warrior in the great picture of +"Caractacus" George was painting--a piece sixty-four feet by +eighteen. The Roman warrior blushed to be discovered in that +attitude: the tin-headed spear trembled in the whitest arm in the +world. So she put it down, and taking off the helmet also, went +and sat in a far corner of the studio, mending George's stockings; +whilst we smoked a couple of pipes, and talked about Raphael being +a good deal overrated. + +I think he is; and have never disguised my opinion about the +"Transfiguration.". And all the time we talked, there were Clara's +eyes looking lucidly out from the dark corner in which she was +sitting, working away at the stockings. The lucky fellow! They +were in a dreadful state of bad repair when she came out to him at +Rome, after the death of their father, the Reverend Miles Rumbold. + +George, while at Rome, painted "Caractacus;" a picture of "Non +Angli sed Angeli" of course; a picture of "Alfred in the Neatherd's +Cottage," seventy-two feet by forty-eight--(an idea of the gigantic +size and Michel-Angelesque proportions of this picture may be +formed, when I state that the mere muffin, of which the outcast +king is spoiling the baking, is two feet three in diameter) and the +deaths of Socrates, of Remus, and of the Christians under Nero +respectively. I shall never forget how lovely Clara looked in +white muslin, with her hair down, in this latter picture, giving +herself up to a ferocious Carnifex (for which Bob Gaunter the +architect sat), and refusing to listen to the mild suggestions of +an insinuating Flamen: which character was a gross caricature of +myself. + +None of George's pictures sold. He has enough to tapestry +Trafalgar Square. He has painted, since he came back to England, +"The Flaying of Marsyas," "The Smothering of the Little Boys in the +Tower," "A Plague Scene during the Great Pestilence," "Ugolino on +the Seventh Day after he was deprived of Victuals," &c. For +although these pictures have great merit, and the writhings of +Marsyas, the convulsions of the little prince, the look of agony of +St. Lawrence on the gridiron, &c. are quite true to nature, yet the +subjects somehow are not agreeable; and if he hadn't a small +patrimony, my friend George would starve. + +Fondness for art leads me a great deal to his studio. George is a +gentleman, and has very good friends, and good pluck too. When we +were at Rome, there was a great row between him and young Heeltap, +Lord Boxmoor's son, who was uncivil to Miss Rumbold; (the young +scoundrel--had I been a fighting man, I should like to have shot +him myself!). Lady Betty Bulbul is very fond of Clara; and Tom +Bulbul, who took George's message to Heeltap, is always hanging +about the studio. At least I know that I find the young jackanapes +there almost every day, bringing a new novel, or some poisonous +French poetry, or a basket of flowers, or grapes, with Lady Betty's +love to her dear Clara--a young rascal with white kids, and his +hair curled every morning. What business has HE to be dangling +about George Rumbold's premises, and sticking up his ugly pug-face +as a model for all George's pictures? + +Miss Clapperclaw says Bulbul is evidently smitten, and Clara too. +What! would she put up with such a little fribble as that, when +there is a man of intellect and taste who--but I won't believe it. +It is all the jealousy of women. + + +SOME OF THE SERVANTS IN OUR STREET. + + +These gentlemen have two clubs in our quarter--for the butlers at +the "Indiaman," and for the gents in livery at the "Pocklington +Arms"--of either of which societies I should like to be a member. +I am sure they could not be so dull as our club at the +"Poluphloisboio," where one meets the same neat, clean, respectable +old fogies every day. + +But with the best wishes, it is impossible for the present writer +to join either the "Plate Club" or the " Uniform Club" (as these +reunions are designated); for one could not shake hands with a +friend who was standing behind your chair, or nod a How-d'ye-do? to +the butler who was pouring you out a glass of wine;--so that what I +know about the gents in our neighborhood is from mere casual +observation. For instance, I have a slight acquaintance with (1) +Thomas Spavin, who commonly wears an air of injured innocence, and +is groom to Mr. Joseph Green, of Our Street. "I tell why the +brougham 'oss is out of condition, and why Desperation broke out +all in a lather! 'Osses will, this 'eavy weather; and Desperation +was always the most mystest hoss I ever see.--I take him out with +Mr. Anderson's 'ounds--I'm above it. I allis was too timid to ride +to 'ounds by natur; and Colonel Sprigs' groom as says he saw me, is +a liar," &c. &c. + +Such is the tenor of Mr. Spavin's remarks to his master. Whereas +all the world in Our Street knows that Mr. Spavin spends at least a +hundred a year in beer; that he keeps a betting-book; that he has +lent Mr. Green's black brougham horse to the omnibus driver; and, +at a time when Mr. G. supposed him at the veterinary surgeon's, +has lent him to a livery stable, which has let him out to that +gentleman himself, and actually driven him to dinner behind his own +horse. + +This conduct I can understand, but I cannot excuse--Mr. Spavin may; +and I leave the matter to be settled betwixt himself and Mr. Green. + +The second is Monsieur Sinbad, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's man, whom we +all hate Clarence for keeping. + +Mr. Sinbad is a foreigner, speaking no known language, but a +mixture of every European dialect--so that he may be an Italian +brigand, or a Tyrolese minstrel, or a Spanish smuggler, for what we +know. I have heard say that he is neither of these, but an Irish +Jew. + +He wears studs, hair-oil, jewellery, and linen shirt-fronts, very +finely embroidered, but not particular for whiteness. He generally +appears in faded velvet waistcoats of a morning, and is always +perfumed with stale tobacco. He wears large rings on his hands, +which look as if he kept them up the chimney. + +He does not appear to do anything earthly for Clarence Bulbul, +except to smoke his cigars, and to practise on his guitar. He will +not answer a bell, nor fetch a glass of water, nor go of an errand +on which, au reste, Clarence dares not send him, being entirely +afraid of his servant, and not daring to use him, or to abuse him, +or to send him away. + +3. Adams--Mr. Champignon's man--a good old man in an old livery +coat with old worsted lace--so very old, deaf, surly, and faithful, +that you wonder how he should have got into the family at all; who +never kept a footman till last year, when they came into the +street. + +Miss Clapperclaw says she believes Adams to be Mrs. Champignon's +father, and he certainly has a look of that lady; as Miss C. +pointed out to me at dinner one night, whilst old Adams was +blundering about amongst the hired men from Gunter's, and falling +over the silver dishes. + +4. Fipps, the buttoniest page in all the street: walks behind Mrs. +Grimsby with her prayer-book, and protects her. + +"If that woman wants a protector" (a female acquaintance remarks), +"heaven be good to us! She is as big as an ogress, and has an +upper lip which many a cornet of the Lifeguards might envy. Her +poor dear husband was a big man, and she could beat him easily; and +did too. Mrs. Grimsby indeed! Why, my dear Mr. Titmarsh, it is +Glumdalca walking with Tom Thumb." + +This observation of Miss C.'s is very true, and Mrs. Grimsby might +carry her prayer-book to church herself. But Miss Clapperclaw, who +is pretty well able to take care of herself too, was glad enough to +have the protection of the page when she went out in the fly to pay +visits, and before Mrs. Grimsby and she quarrelled at whist at Lady +Pocklington's. + +After this merely parenthetic observation, we come to 5, one of her +ladyship's large men, Mr. Jeames--a gentleman of vast stature and +proportions, who is almost nose to nose with us as we pass her +ladyship's door on the outside of the omnibus. I think Jeames has +a contempt for a man whom he witnesses in that position. I have +fancied something like that feeling showed itself (as far as it may +in a well-bred gentleman accustomed to society) in his behavior, +while waiting behind my chair at dinner. + +But I take Jeames to be, like most giants, good-natured, lazy, +stupid, soft-hearted, and extremely fond of drink. One night, his +lady being engaged to dinner at Nightingale House, I saw Mr. Jeames +resting himself on a bench at the "Pocklington Arms:" where, as he +had no liquor before him, he had probably exhausted his credit. + +Little Spitfire, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's boy, the wickedest little +varlet that ever hung on to a cab, was "chaffing" Mr. Jeames, +holding up to his face a pot of porter almost as big as the young +potifer himself. + +"Vill you now, Big'un, or von't you?" Spitfire said. "If you're +thirsty, vy don't you say so and squench it, old boy?" + +"Don't ago on making fun of me--I can't abear chaffin'," was the +reply of Mr. Jeames, and tears actually stood in his fine eyes as +he looked at the porter and the screeching little imp before him. + +Spitfire (real name unknown) gave him some of the drink: I am happy +to say Jeames's face wore quite a different look when it rose +gasping out of the porter; and I judge of his dispositions from the +above trivial incident. + +The last boy in the sketch, 6, need scarcely be particularized. +Doctor's boy; was a charity-boy; stripes evidently added on to a +pair of the doctor's clothes of last year--Miss Clapperclaw pointed +this out to me with a giggle. Nothing escapes that old woman. + +As we were walking in Kensington Gardens, she pointed me out Mrs. +Bragg's nursery-maid, who sings so loud at church, engaged with a +Lifeguardsman, whom she was trying to convert probably. My +virtuous friend rose indignant at the sight. + +"That's why these minxes like Kensington Gardens," she cried. +"Look at the woman: she leaves the baby on the grass, for the giant +to trample upon; and that little wretch of a Hastings Bragg is +riding on the monster's cane." + +Miss C. flew up and seized the infant, waking it out of its sleep, +and causing all the gardens to echo with its squalling. "I'll +teach you to be impudent to me," she said to the nursery-maid, with +whom my vivacious old friend, I suppose, has had a difference; and +she would not release the infant until she had rung the bell of +Bungalow Lodge, where she gave it up to the footman. + +The giant in scarlet had slunk down towards Knightsbridge meanwhile. +The big rogues are always crossing the Park and the Gardens, and +hankering about Our Street. + + +WHAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS IN OUR STREET. + + +It was before old Hunkington's house that the mutes were standing, +as I passed and saw this group at the door. The charity-boy with +the hoop is the son of the jolly-looking mute; he admires his +father, who admires himself too, in those bran-new sables. The +other infants are the spawn of the alleys about Our Street. Only +the parson and the typhus fever visit those mysterious haunts, +which lie crouched about our splendid houses like Lazarus at the +threshold of Dives. + +Those little ones come crawling abroad in the sunshine, to the +annoyance of the beadles, and the horror of a number of good people +in the street. They will bring up the rear of the procession anon, +when the grand omnibus with the feathers, and the line coaches with +the long-tailed black horses, and the gentleman's private carriages +with the shutters up, pass along to Saint Waltheof's. + +You can hear the slow bell tolling clear in the sunshine already, +mingling with the crowing of "Punch," who is passing down the +street with his show; and the two musics make a queer medley. + +Not near so many people, I remark, engage "Punch" now as in the +good old times. I suppose our quarter is growing too genteel for +him. + +Miss Bridget Jones, a poor curate's daughter in Wales, comes into +all Hunkington's property, and will take his name, as I am told. +Nobody ever heard of her before. I am sure Captain Hunkington, and +his brother Barnwell Hunkington, must wish that the lucky young +lady had never been heard of to the present day. + +But they will have the consolation of thinking that they did their +duty by their uncle, and consoled his declining years. It was but +last month that Millwood Hunkington (the Captain) sent the old +gentleman a service of plate; and Mrs. Barnwell got a reclining +carriage at a great expense from Hobbs and Dobbs's, in which the +old gentleman went out only once. + +"It is a punishment on those Hunkingtons," Miss Clapperclaw +remarks: "upon those people who have been always living beyond +their little incomes, and always speculating upon what the old man +would leave them, and always coaxing him with presents which they +could not afford, and he did not want. It is a punishment upon +those Hunkingtons to be so disappointed." + +"Think of giving him plate," Miss C. justly says, "who had chests- +full; and sending him a carriage, who could afford to buy all Long +Acre. And everything goes to Miss Jones Hunkington. I wonder will +she give the things back?" Miss Clapperclaw asks. "I wouldn't." + +And indeed I don't think Miss Clapperclaw would. + + +SOMEBODY WHOM NOBODY KNOWS. + + +That pretty little house, the last in Pocklington Square, was +lately occupied by a young widow lady who wore a pink bonnet, a +short silk dress, sustained by a crinoline, and a light blue +mantle, or over-jacket (Miss C. is not here to tell me the name of +the garment); or else a black velvet pelisse, a yellow shawl, and a +white bonnet; or else--but never mind the dress, which seemed to be +of the handsomest sort money could buy--and who had very long +glossy black ringlets, and a peculiarly brilliant complexion,--No. +96, Pocklington Square, I say, was lately occupied by a widow lady +named Mrs. Stafford Molyneux. + +The very first day on which an intimate and valued female friend of +mine saw Mrs. Stafford Molyneux stepping into a brougham, with a +splendid bay horse, and without a footman, (mark, if you please, +that delicate sign of respectability,) and after a moment's +examination of Mrs. S. M.'s toilette, her manners, little dog, +carnation-colored parasol, &c., Miss Elizabeth Clapperclaw clapped +to the opera-glass with which she had been regarding the new +inhabitant of Our Street, came away from the window in a great +flurry, and began poking her fire in a fit of virtuous indignation. + +"She's very pretty," said I, who had been looking over Miss C.'s +shoulder at the widow with the flashing eyes and drooping ringlets. + +"Hold your tongue, sir," said Miss Clapperclaw, tossing up her +virgin head with an indignant blush on her nose. "It's a sin and +a shame that such a creature should be riding in her carriage, +forsooth, when honest people must go on foot." + +Subsequent observations confirmed my revered fellow-lodger's anger +and opinion. We have watched Hansom cabs standing before that +lady's house for hours; we have seen broughams, with great flaring +eyes, keeping watch there in the darkness; we have seen the vans +from the comestible-shops drive up and discharge loads of wines, +groceries, French plums, and other articles of luxurious horror. +We have seen Count Wowski's drag, Lord Martingale's carriage, Mr. +Deuceace's cab drive up there time after time; and (having remarked +previously the pastry-cook's men arrive with the trays and +entrees), we have known that this widow was giving dinners at the +little house in Pocklington Square--dinners such as decent people +could not hope to enjoy. + +My excellent friend has been in a perfect fury when Mrs. Stafford +Molyneux, in a black velvet riding-habit, with a hat and feather, +has come out and mounted an odious gray horse, and has cantered +down the street, followed by her groom upon a bay. + +"It won't last long--it must end in shame and humiliation," my dear +Miss C. has remarked, disappointed that the tiles and chimney-pots +did not fall down upon Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's head, and crush +that cantering, audacious woman. + +But it was a consolation to see her when she walked out with a +French maid, a couple of children, and a little dog hanging on to +her by a blue ribbon. She always held down her head then--her head +with the drooping black ringlets. The virtuous and well-disposed +avoided her. I have seen the Square-keeper himself look puzzled as +she passed; and Lady Kicklebury walking by with Miss K., her +daughter, turn away from Mrs. Stafford Molyneux, and fling back at +her a ruthless Parthian glance that ought to have killed any woman +of decent sensibility. + +That wretched woman, meanwhile, with her rouged cheeks (for rouge +it IS, Miss Clapperclaw swears, and who is a better judge?) has +walked on conscious, and yet somehow braving out the Street. You +could read pride of her beauty, pride of her fine clothes, shame of +her position, in her downcast black eyes. + +As for Mademoiselle Trampoline, her French maid, she would stare +the sun itself out of countenance. One day she tossed up her head +as she passed under our windows with a look of scorn that drove +Miss Clapperclaw back to the fireplace again. + +It was Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's children, however, whom I pitied +the most. Once her boy, in a flaring tartan, went up to speak to +Master Roderick Lacy, whose maid was engaged ogling a policeman; +and the children were going to make friends, being united with a +hoop which Master Molyneux had, when Master Roderick's maid, +rushing up, clutched her charge to her arms, and hurried away, +leaving little Molyneux sad and wondering. + +"Why won't he play with me, mamma?" Master Molyneux asked--and his +mother's face blushed purple as she walked away. + +"Ah--heaven help us and forgive us!" said I; but Miss C. can never +forgive the mother or child; and she clapped her hands for joy one +day when we saw the shutters up, bills in the windows, a carpet +hanging out over the balcony, and a crowd of shabby Jews about the +steps--giving token that the reign of Mrs. Stafford Molyneux was +over. The pastry-cooks and their trays, the bay and the gray, the +brougham and the groom, the noblemen and their cabs, were all gone; +and the tradesmen in the neighborhood were crying out that they +were done. + +"Serve the odious minx right!" says Miss C.; and she played at +piquet that night with more vigor than I have known her manifest +for these last ten years. + +What is it that makes certain old ladies so savage upon certain +subjects? Miss C. is a good woman; pays her rent and her +tradesmen; gives plenty to the poor; is brisk with her tongue-- +kind-hearted in the main; but if Mrs. Stafford Molyneux and her +children were plunged into a caldron of boiling vinegar, I think my +revered friend would not take them out. + + +THE MAN IN POSSESSION. + + +For another misfortune which occurred in Our Street we were much +more compassionate. We liked Danby Dixon, and his wife Fanny Dixon +still more. Miss C. had a paper of biscuits and a box of preserved +apricots always in the cupboard, ready for Dixon's children-- +provisions by the way which she locked up under Mrs. Cammysole's +nose, so that our landlady could by no possibility lay a hand on +them. + +Dixon and his wife had the neatest little house possible, (No. 16, +opposite 96,) and were liked and respected by the whole street. He +was called Dandy Dixon when he was in the dragoons, and was a light +weight, and rather famous as a gentleman rider. On his marriage, +he sold out and got fat: and was indeed a florid, contented, and +jovial gentleman. + +His little wife was charming--to see her in pink with some miniature +Dixons, in pink too, round about her, or in that beautiful gray +dress, with the deep black lace flounces, which she wore at my Lord +Comandine's on the night of the private theatricals, would have done +any man good. To hear her sing any of my little ballads, "Knowest +Thou the Willow-tree?" for instance, or "The Rose upon my Balcony," +or "The Humming of the Honey-bee," (far superior in MY judgment, and +in that of SOME GOOD JUDGES likewise, to that humbug Clarence +Bulbul's ballads,)--to hear her, I say, sing these, was to be in a +sort of small Elysium. Dear, dear little Fanny Dixon! she was like +a little chirping bird of Paradise. It was a shame that storms +should ever ruffle such a tender plumage. + +Well, never mind about sentiment. Danby Dixon, the owner of this +little treasure, an ex-captain of Dragoons, and having nothing to +do, and a small income, wisely thought he would employ his spare +time, and increase his revenue. He became a director of the +Cornaro Life Insurance Company, of the Tregulpho tin-mines, and of +four or five railroad companies. It was amusing to see him +swaggering about the City in his clinking boots, and with his high +and mighty dragoon manners. For a time his talk about shares after +dinner was perfectly intolerable; and I for one was always glad to +leave him in the company of sundry very dubious capitalists who +frequented his house, and walk up to hear Mrs. Fanny warbling at +the piano with her little children about her knees. + +It was only last season that they set up a carriage--the modestest +little vehicle conceivable--driven by Kirby, who had been in +Dixon's troop in the regiment, and had followed him into private +life as coachman, footman, and page. + +One day lately I went into Dixon's house, hearing that some +calamities had befallen him, the particulars of which Miss +Clapperclaw was desirous to know. The creditors of the Tregulpho +Mines had got a verdict against him as one of the directors of that +company; the engineer of the Little Diddlesex Junction had sued him +for two thousand three hundred pounds--the charges of that +scientific man for six weeks' labor in surveying the line. His +brother directors were to be discovered nowhere: Windham, Dodgin, +Mizzlington, and the rest, were all gone long ago. + +When I entered, the door was open: there was a smell of smoke in +the dining-room, where a gentleman at noonday was seated with a +pipe and a pot of beer: a man in possession indeed, in that +comfortable pretty parlor, by that snug round table where I have +so often seen Fanny Dixon's smiling face. + +Kirby, the ex-dragoon, was scowling at the fellow, who lay upon a +little settee reading the newspaper, with an evident desire to kill +him. Mrs. Kirby, his wife, held little Danby, poor Dixon's son and +heir. Dixon's portrait smiled over the sideboard still, and his +wife was up stairs in an agony of fear, with the poor little +daughters of this bankrupt, broken family. + +This poor soul had actually come down and paid a visit to the man +in possession. She had sent wine and dinner to "the gentleman down +stairs," as she called him in her terror. She had tried to move +his heart, by representing to him how innocent Captain Dixon was, +and how he had always paid, and always remained at home when +everybody else had fled. As if her tears and simple tales and +entreaties could move that man in possession out of the house, or +induce him to pay the costs of the action which her husband had +lost. + +Danby meanwhile was at Boulogne, sickening after his wife and +children. They sold everything in his house--all his smart +furniture and neat little stock of plate; his wardrobe and his +linen, "the property of a gentleman gone abroad;" his carriage by +the best maker; and his wine selected without regard to expense. +His house was shut up as completely as his opposite neighbor's; and +a new tenant is just having it fresh painted inside and out, as if +poor Dixon had left an infection behind. + +Kirby and his wife went across the water with the children and Mrs. +Fanny--she has a small settlement; and I am bound to say that our +mutual friend Miss Elizabeth C. went down with Mrs. Dixon in the +fly to the Tower Stairs, and stopped in Lombard Street by the way. + +So it is that the world wags: that honest men and knaves alike are +always having ups and downs of fortune, and that we are perpetually +changing tenants in Our Street. + + +THE LION OF THE STREET. + + +What people can find in Clarence Bulbul, who has lately taken upon +himself the rank and dignity of Lion of Our Street, I have always +been at a loss to conjecture. + +"He has written an Eastern book of considerable merit," Miss +Clapperclaw says; but hang it, has not everybody written an Eastern +book? I should like to meet anybody in society now who has not +been up to the second cataract. An Eastern book forsooth! My Lord +Castleroyal has done one--an honest one; my Lord Youngent another-- +an amusing one; my Lord Woolsey another--a pious one; there is "The +Cutlet and the Cabob"--a sentimental one; "Timbuctoothen"--a +humorous one, all ludicrously overrated, in my opinion: not +including my own little book, of which a copy or two is still to be +had, by the way. + +Well, then, Clarence Bulbul, because he has made part of the little +tour that all of us know, comes back and gives himself airs, +forsooth, and howls as if he were just out of the great Libyan +desert. + +When we go and see him, that Irish Jew courier, whom I have before +had the honor to describe, looks up from the novel which he is +reading in the ante-room, and says, "Mon maitre est au divan," or, +"Monsieur trouvera Monsieur dans son serail," and relapses into the +Comte de Montecristo again. + +Yes, the impudent wretch has actually a room in his apartments on +the ground-floor of his mother's house, which he calls his harem. +When Lady Betty Bulbul (they are of the Nightingale family) or Miss +Blanche comes down to visit him, their slippers are placed at the +door, and he receives them on an ottoman, and these infatuated +women will actually light his pipe for him. + +Little Spitfire, the groom, hangs about the drawing-room, outside +the harem forsooth! so that he may be ready when Clarence Bulbul +claps hands for him to bring the pipes and coffee. + +He has coffee and pipes for everybody. I should like you to have +seen the face of old Bowly, his college-tutor, called upon to sit +cross-legged on a divan, a little cup of bitter black Mocha put +into his hand, and a large amber-muzzled pipe stuck into his mouth +by Spitfire, before he could so much as say it was a fine day. +Bowly almost thought he had compromised his principles by +consenting so far to this Turkish manner. + +Bulbul's dinners are, I own, very good; his pilaffs and curries +excellent. He tried to make us eat rice with our fingers, it is +true; but he scalded his own hands in the business, and invariably +bedizened his shirt; so he has left off the Turkish practice, for +dinner at least, and uses a fork like a Christian. + +But it is in society that he is most remarkable; and here he would, +I own, be odious, but he becomes delightful, because all the men +hate him so. A perfect chorus of abuse is raised round about him. +"Confounded impostor," says one; "Impudent jackass," says another; +"Miserable puppy," cries a third; "I'd like to wring his neck," +says Bruff, scowling over his shoulder at him. Clarence meanwhile +nods, winks, smiles, and patronizes them all with the easiest good- +humor. He is a fellow who would poke an archbishop in the apron, +or clap a duke on the shoulder, as coolly as he would address you +and me. + +I saw him the other night at Mrs. Bumpsher's grand let-off. He +flung himself down cross-legged on a pink satin sofa, so that you +could see Mrs. Bumpsher quiver with rage in the distance, Bruff +growl with fury from the further room, and Miss Pim, on whose frock +Bulbul's feet rested, look up like a timid fawn. + +"Fan me, Miss Pim," said he of the cushion. "You look like a +perfect Peri to-night. You remind me of a girl I once knew in +Circassia--Ameena, the sister of Schamyl Bey. Do you know, Miss +Pim, that you would fetch twenty thousand piastres in the market at +Constantinople?" + +"Law, Mr. Bulbul!" is all Miss Pim can ejaculate; and having talked +over Miss Pim, Clarence goes off to another houri, whom he +fascinates in a similar manner. He charmed Mrs. Waddy by telling +her that she was the exact figure of the Pasha of Egypt's second +wife. He gave Miss Tokely a piece of the sack in which Zuleika was +drowned; and he actually persuaded that poor little silly Miss Vain +to turn Mahometan, and sent her up to the Turkish ambassador's to +look out for a mufti. + + +THE DOVE OF OUR STREET. + + +If Bulbul is our Lion, Young Oriel may be described as The Dove of +our colony. He is almost as great a pasha among the ladies as +Bulbul. They crowd in flocks to see him at Saint Waltheof's, where +the immense height of his forehead, the rigid asceticism of his +surplice, the twang with which he intones the service, and the +namby-pamby mysticism of his sermons, have turned all the dear +girls' heads for some time past. While we were having a rubber at +Mrs. Chauntry's, whose daughters are following the new mode, I +heard the following talk (which made me revoke by the way) going +on, in what was formerly called the young ladies' room, but is now +styled the Oratory:-- + + +THE ORATORY. + +MISS CHAUNTRY. MISS ISABEL CHAUNTRY. +MISS DE L'AISLE. MISS PYX. +REV. L. ORIEL. REV. O. SLOCUM--[In the further room.] + + +Miss Chauntry (sighing).--Is it wrong to be in the Guards, dear Mr. +Oriel? + +Miss Pyx.--She will make Frank de Boots sell out when he marries. + +Mr. Oriel.--To be in the Guards, dear sister? The church has +always encouraged the army. Saint Martin of Tours was in the army; +Saint Louis was in the army; Saint Waltheof, our patron, Saint +Witikind of Aldermanbury, Saint Wamba, and Saint Walloff were in +the army. Saint Wapshot was captain of the guard of Queen +Boadicea; and Saint Werewolf was a major in the Danish cavalry. +The holy Saint Ignatius of Loyola carried a pike, as we know; and-- + +Miss De l'Aisle.--Will you take some tea, dear Mr. Oriel? + +Oriel.--This is not one of MY feast days, Sister Emma. It is the +feast of Saint Wagstatf of Walthamstow. + +The Young Ladies.--And we must not even take tea? + +Oriel.--Dear sisters, I said not so. YOU may do as you list; but I +am strong (with a heart-broken sigh); don't ply me (he reels). I +took a little water and a parched pea after matins. To-morrow is a +flesh day, and--and I shall be better then. + +Rev. O. Slocum (from within).--Madam, I take your heart with my +small trump. + +Oriel.--Yes, better! dear sister; it is only a passing--a-- +weakness. + +Miss I. Chauntry.--He's dying of fever. + +Miss Chauntry.--I'm so glad De Boots need not leave the Blues. + +Miss Pyx.--He wears sackcloth and cinders inside his waistcoat. + +Miss De l'Aisle.--He's told me to-night he's going to--to-- +Ro-o-ome. [Miss De l'Aisle bursts into tears.] + +Rev. O. Slocum.--My lord, I have the highest club, which gives the +trick and two by honors. + + +Thus, you see, we have a variety of clergymen in Our Street. Mr. +Oriel is of the pointed Gothic school, while old Slocum is of the +good old tawny port-wine school: and it must be confessed that Mr. +Gronow, at Ebenezer, has a hearty abhorrence for both. + +As for Gronow, I pity him, if his future lot should fall where Mr. +Oriel supposes that it will. + +And as for Oriel, he has not even the benefit of purgatory, which +he would accord to his neighbor Ebenezer; while old Slocum +pronounces both to be a couple of humbugs; and Mr. Mole, the demure +little beetle-browed chaplain of the little church of Avemary Lane, +keeps his sly eyes down to the ground when he passes any one of his +black-coated brethren. + +There is only one point on which, my friends, they seem agreed. +Slocum likes port, but who ever heard that he neglected his poor? +Gronow, if he comminates his neighbor's congregation, is the +affectionate father of his own. Oriel, if he loves pointed Gothic +and parched peas for breakfast, has a prodigious soup-kitchen for +his poor; and as for little Father Mole, who never lifts his eyes +from the ground, ask our doctor at what bedsides he finds him, and +how he soothes poverty, and braves misery and infection. + + +THE BUMPSHERS. + + +No. 6, Pocklington Gardens, (the house with the quantity of flowers +in the windows, and the awning over the entrance,) George Bumpsher, +Esquire, M.P. for Humborough (and the Beanstalks, Kent). + +For some time after this gorgeous family came into our quarter, I +mistook a bald-headed, stout person, whom I used to see looking +through the flowers on the upper windows, for Bumpsher himself, or +for the butler of the family; whereas it was no other than Mrs. +Bumpsher, without her chestnut wig, and who is at least three times +the size of her husband. + +The Bumpshers and the house of Mango at the Pineries vie together +in their desire to dominate over the neighborhood; and each votes +the other a vulgar and purse-proud family. The fact is, both are +City people. Bumpsher, in his mercantile capacity, is a wholesale +stationer in Thames Street; and his wife was the daughter of an +eminent bill-broking firm, not a thousand miles from Lombard +Street. + +He does not sport a coronet and supporters upon his London plate +and carriages; but his country-house is emblazoned all over with +those heraldic decorations. He puts on an order when he goes +abroad, and is Count Bumpsher of the Roman States--which title he +purchased from the late Pope (through Prince Polonia the banker) +for a couple of thousand scudi. + +It is as good as a coronation to see him and Mrs. Bumpsher go to +Court. I wonder the carriage can hold them both. On those days +Mrs. Bumpsher holds her own drawing-room before her Majesty's; and +we are invited to come and see her sitting in state, upon the +largest sofa in her rooms. She has need of a stout one, I promise +you. Her very feathers must weigh something considerable. The +diamonds on her stomacher would embroider a full-sized carpet-bag. +She has rubies, ribbons, cameos, emeralds, gold serpents, opals, +and Valenciennes lace, as if she were an immense sample out of +Howell and James's shop. + +She took up with little Pinkney at Rome, where he made a charming +picture of her, representing her as about eighteen, with a cherub +in her lap, who has some liking to Bryanstone Bumpsher, her +enormous, vulgar son; now a cornet in the Blues, and anything but a +cherub, as those would say who saw him in his uniform jacket. + +I remember Pinkney when he was painting the picture, Bryanstone +being then a youth in what they call a skeleton suit (as if such a +pig of a child could ever have been dressed in anything resembling +a skeleton)--I remember, I say, Mrs. B. sitting to Pinkney in a +sort of Egerian costume, her boy by her side, whose head the artist +turned round and directed it towards a piece of gingerbread, which +he was to have at the end of the sitting. + +Pinkney, indeed, a painter!--a contemptible little humbug, a +parasite of the great! He has painted Mrs. Bumpsher younger every +year for these last ten years--and you see in the advertisements of +all her parties his odious little name stuck in at the end of the +list. I'm sure, for my part, I'd scorn to enter her doors, or be +the toady of any woman. + + +JOLLY NEWBOY, ESQ., M.P. + + +How different it is with the Newboys, now, where I have an entree +(having indeed had the honor in former days to give lessons to both +the ladies)--and where such a quack as Pinkney would never be +allowed to enter! A merrier house the whole quarter cannot +furnish. It is there you meet people of all ranks and degrees, not +only from our quarter, but from the rest of the town. It is there +that our great man, the Right Honorable Lord Comandine, came up and +spoke to me in so encouraging a manner that I hope to be invited to +one of his lordship's excellent dinners (of which I shall not fail +to give a very flattering description) before the season is over. +It is there you find yourself talking to statesmen, poets, and +artists--not sham poets like Bulbul, or quack artists like that +Pinkney--but to the best members of all society. It is there I +made this sketch, while Miss Chesterforth was singing a deep-toned +tragic ballad, and her mother scowling behind her. What a buzz and +clack and chatter there was in the room to be sure! When Miss +Chesterforth sings, everybody begins to talk. Hicks and old Fogy +were on Ireland: Bass was roaring into old Pump's ears (or into his +horn rather) about the Navigation Laws; I was engaged talking to +the charming Mrs. Short; while Charley Bonham (a mere prig, in whom +I am surprised that the women can see anything,) was pouring out +his fulsome rhapsodies in the ears of Diana White. Lovely, lovely +Diana White! were it not for three or four other engagements, I +know a heart that would suit you to a T. + +Newboy's I pronounce to be the jolliest house in the street. He +has only of late had a rush of prosperity, and turned Parliament +man; for his distant cousin, of the ancient house of Newboy of +----shire, dying, Fred--then making believe to practise at the bar, +and living with the utmost modesty in Gray's Inn Road--found +himself master of a fortune, and a great house in the country; of +which getting tired, as in the course of nature he should, he came +up to London, and took that fine mansion in our Gardens. He +represents Mumborough in Parliament, a seat which has been time out +of mind occupied by a Newboy. + +Though he does not speak, being a great deal too rich, sensible, +and lazy, he somehow occupies himself with reading blue-books, and +indeed talks a great deal too much good sense of late over his +dinner-table, where there is always a cover for the present writer. + +He falls asleep pretty assiduously too after that meal--a practice +which I can well pardon in him--for, between ourselves, his wife, +Maria Newboy, and his sister, Clarissa, are the loveliest and +kindest of their sex, and I would rather hear their innocent +prattle, and lively talk about their neighbors, than the best +wisdom from the wisest man that ever wore a beard. + +Like a wise and good man, he leaves the question of his household +entirely to the women. They like going to the play. They like +going to Greenwich. They like coming to a party at Bachelor's +hall. They are up to all sorts of fun, in a word; in which taste +the good-natured Newboy acquiesces, provided he is left to follow +his own. + +It was only on the 17th of the month, that, having had the honor to +dine at the house, when, after dinner, which took place at eight, +we left Newboy to his blue-books, and went up stairs and sang a +little to the guitar afterwards--it was only on the 17th December, +the night of Lady Sowerby's party, that the following dialogue took +place in the boudoir, whither Newboy, blue-books in hand, had +ascended. + +He was curled up with his House of Commons boots on his wife's arm- +chair, reading his eternal blue-books, when Mrs. N. entered from +her apartment, dressed for the evening. + +Mrs. N.--Frederick, won't you come? + +Mr. N.--Where? + +Mrs. N.--To Lady Sowerby's. + +Mr. N.--I'd rather go to the Black Hole in Calcutta. Besides, this +Sanitary Report is really the most interesting--[he begins to +read.] + +Mrs. N.--(piqued)--Well, Mr. Titmarsh will go with us. + +Mr. N.--Will he? I wish him joy. + +At this juncture Miss Clarissa Newboy enters in a pink paletot, +trimmed with swansdown--looking like an angel--and we exchange +glances of--what shall I say?--of sympathy on both parts, and +consummate rapture on mine. But this is by-play. + +Mrs. N.--Good night, Frederick. I think we shall be late. + +Mr. N.--You won't wake me, I dare say; and you don't expect a +public man to sit up. + +Mrs. N.--It's not you, it's the servants. Cocker sleeps very +heavily. The maids are best in bed, and are all ill with the +influenza. I say, Frederick dear, don't you think you had better +give me YOUR CHUBB KEY? + +This astonishing proposal, which violates every recognized law of +society--this demand which alters all the existing state of things-- +this fact of a woman asking for a door-key, struck me with a +terror which I cannot describe, and impressed me with the fact of +the vast progress of Our Street. The door-key! What would our +grandmothers, who dwelt in this place when it was a rustic suburb, +think of its condition now, when husbands stay at home, and wives +go abroad with the latchkey? + +The evening at Lady Sowerby's was the most delicious we have spent +for long, long days. + +Thus it will be seen that everybody of any consideration in Our +Street takes a line. Mrs. Minimy (34) takes the homoeopathic line, +and has soirees of doctors of that faith. Lady Pocklington takes +the capitalist line; and those stupid and splendid dinners of hers +are devoured by loan-contractors and railroad princes. Mrs. +Trimmer (38) comes out in the scientific line, and indulges us in +rational evenings, where history is the lightest subject admitted, +and geology and the sanitary condition of the metropolis form the +general themes of conversation. Mrs. Brumby plays finely on the +bassoon, and has evenings dedicated to Sebastian Bach, and +enlivened with Handel. At Mrs. Maskleyn's they are mad for +charades and theatricals. + +They performed last Christmas in a French piece, by Alexandre +Dumas, I believe--"La Duchesse de Montefiasco," of which I forget +the plot, but everybody was in love with everybody else's wife, +except the hero, Don Alonzo, who was ardently attached to the +Duchess, who turned out to be his grandmother. The piece was +translated by Lord Fiddle-faddle, Tom Bulbul being the Don Alonzo; +and Mrs. Roland Calidore (who never misses an opportunity of acting +in a piece in which she can let down her hair) was the Duchess. + + +ALONZO. + +You know how well he loves you, and you wonder +To see Alonzo suffer, Cunegunda?-- +Ask if the chamois suffer when they feel +Plunged in their panting sides the hunter's steel? +Or when the soaring heron or eagle proud, +Pierced by my shaft, comes tumbling from the cloud, +Ask if the royal birds no anguish know, +The victims of Alonzo's twanging bow? +Then ask him if he suffers--him who dies, +Pierced by the poisoned glance that glitters from your eyes! + [He staggers from the effect of the poison + +THE DUCHESS. + +Alonzo loves--Alonzo loves! and whom? +His grandmother! Oh, hide me, gracious tomb! + [Her Grace faints away. + + +Such acting as Tom Bulbul's I never saw. Tom lisps atrociously, +and uttered the passage, "You athk me if I thuffer," in the most +absurd way. Miss Clapperclaw says he acted pretty well, and that I +only joke about him because I am envious, and wanted to act a part +myself.--I envious indeed! + +But of all the assemblies, feastings, junketings, dejeunes, +soirees, conversaziones, dinner-parties, in Our Street, I know of +none pleasanter than the banquets at Tom Fairfax's; one of which +this enormous provision-consumer gives seven times a week. He +lives in one of the little houses of the old Waddilove Street +quarter, built long before Pocklington Square and Pocklington +Gardens and the Pocklington family itself had made their appearance +in this world. + +Tom, though he has a small income, and lives in a small house, yet +sits down one of a party of twelve to dinner every day of his life; +these twelve consisting of Mrs. Fairfax, the nine Misses Fairfax, +and Master Thomas Fairfax--the son and heir to twopence halfpenny a +year. + +It is awkward just now to go and beg pot-luck from such a family as +this; because, though a guest is always welcome, we are thirteen at +table--an unlucky number, it is said. This evil is only temporary, +and will be remedied presently, when the family will be thirteen +WITHOUT the occasional guest, to judge from all appearances. + +Early in the morning Mrs. Fairfax rises, and cuts bread and butter +from six o'clock till eight; during which time the nursery +operations upon the nine little graces are going on. If his wife +has to rise early to cut the bread and butter, I warrant Fairfax +must be up betimes to earn it. He is a clerk in a Government +office; to which duty he trudges daily, refusing even twopenny +omnibuses. Every time he goes to the shoemaker's he has to order +eleven pairs of shoes, and so can't afford to spare his own. He +teaches the children Latin every morning, and is already thinking +when Tom shall be inducted into that language. He works in his +garden for an hour before breakfast. His work over by three +o'clock, he tramps home at four, and exchanges his dapper coat for +his dressing-gown--a ragged but honorable garment. + +Which is the best, his old coat or Sir John's bran-new one? Which +is the most comfortable and becoming, Mrs. Fairfax's black velvet +gown (which she has worn at the Pocklington Square parties these +twelve years, and in which I protest she looks like a queen), or +that new robe which the milliner has just brought home to Mrs. +Bumpsher's, and into which she will squeeze herself on Christmas- +day? + +Miss Clapperclaw says that we are all so charmingly contented with +ourselves that not one of us would change with his neighbor; and +so, rich and poor, high and low, one person is about as happy as +another in Our Street. + + + + +DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS + +by MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + +THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF. + + +There is no need to say why I became assistant-master and professor +of the English and French languages, flower-painting, and the +German flute, in Doctor Birch's Academy, at Rodwell Regis. Good +folks may depend on this, that it was not for CHOICE that I left +lodgings near London, and a genteel society, for an under-master's +desk in that old school. I promise you the fare at the usher's +table, the getting up at five o'clock in the morning, the walking +out with little boys in the fields, (who used to play me tricks, +and never could be got to respect my awful and responsible +character as teacher in the school,) Miss Birch's vulgar insolence, +Jack Birch's glum condescension, and the poor old Doctor's +patronage, were not matters in themselves pleasurable: and that +that patronage and those dinners were sometimes cruel hard to +swallow. Never mind--my connection with the place is over now, +and I hope they have got a more efficient under-master. + +Jack Birch (Rev. J. Birch, of St. Neot's Hall, Oxford,) is partner +with his father the Doctor, and takes some of the classes. About +his Greek I can't say much; but I will construe him in Latin any +day. A more supercilious little prig, (giving himself airs, too, +about his cousin, Miss Raby, who lives with the Doctor,) a more +empty, pompous little coxcomb I never saw. His white neck-cloth +looked as if it choked him. He used to try and look over that +starch upon me and Prince the assistant, as if he were a couple of +footmen. He didn't do much business in the school; but occupied +his time in writing sanctified letters to the boys' parents, and in +composing dreary sermons to preach to them. + +The real master of the school is Prince; an Oxford man too: shy, +haughty, and learned; crammed with Greek and a quantity of useless +learning; uncommonly kind to the small boys; pitiless with the +fools and the braggarts; respected of all for his honesty, his +learning, his bravery, (for he hit out once in a boat-row in a way +which astonished the boys and the bargemen,) and for a latent power +about him, which all saw and confessed somehow. Jack Birch could +never look him in the face. Old Miss Z. dared not put off any of +HER airs upon him. Miss Rosa made him the lowest of curtsies. +Miss Raby said she was afraid of him. Good old Prince! we have sat +many a night smoking in the Doctor's harness-room, whither we +retired when our boys were gone to bed, and our cares and canes put +by. + +After Jack Birch had taken his degree at Oxford--a process which he +effected with great difficulty--this place, which used to be called +"Birch's," "Dr. Birch's Academy," and what not, became suddenly +"Archbishop Wigsby's College of Rodwell Regis." They took down the +old blue board with the gold letters, which has been used to mend +the pigsty since. Birch had a large school-room run up in the +Gothic taste, with statuettes, and a little belfry, and a bust of +Archbishop Wigsby in the middle of the school. He put the six +senior boys into caps and gowns, which had rather a good effect as +the lads sauntered down the street of the town, but which certainly +provoked the contempt and hostility of the bargemen; and so great +was his rage for academic costumes and ordinances, that he would +have put me myself into a lay gown, with red knots and fringes, but +that I flatly resisted, and said that a writing-master had no +business with such paraphernalia. + +By the way, I have forgotten to mention the Doctor himself. And +what shall I say of him? Well, he has a very crisp gown and bands, +a solemn aspect, a tremendous loud voice, and a grand air with the +boys' parents; whom he receives in a study covered round with the +best-bound books, which imposes upon many--upon the women +especially--and makes them fancy that this is a Doctor indeed. But +law bless you! He never reads the books, or opens one of them; +except that in which he keeps his bands--a Dugdale's "Monasticon," +which looks like a book, but is in reality a cupboard, where he has +his port, almond-cakes, and decanter of wine. He gets up his +classics with translations, or what the boys call cribs; they pass +wicked tricks upon him when he hears the forms. The elder wags go +to his study and ask him to help them in hard bits of Herodotus or +Thucydides: he says he will look over the passage, and flies for +refuge to Mr. Prince, or to the crib. + +He keeps the flogging department in his own hands; finding that his +son was too savage. He has awful brows and a big voice. But his +roar frightens nobody. It is only a lion's skin; or, so to say, a +muff. + +Little Mordant made a picture of him with large ears, like a well- +known domestic animal, and had his own justly boxed for the +caricature. The Doctor discovered him in the fact, and was in a +flaming rage, and threatened whipping at first; but in the course +of the day an opportune basket of game arriving from Mordant's +father, the Doctor became mollified, and has burnt the picture with +the ears. However, I have one wafered up in my desk by the hand of +the same little rascal. + + +THE COCK OF THE SCHOOL. + + +I am growing an old fellow, and have seen many great folks in the +course of my travels and time: Louis Philippe coming out of the +Tuileries; his Majesty the King of Prussia and the Reichsverweser +accolading each other at Cologne at my elbow; Admiral Sir Charles +Napier (in an omnibus once), the Duke of Wellington, the immortal +Goethe at Weimar, the late benevolent Pope Gregory XVI., and a +score more of the famous in this world--the whom whenever one looks +at, one has a mild shock of awe and tremor. I like this feeling +and decent fear and trembling with which a modest spirit salutes a +GREAT MAN. + +Well, I have seen generals capering on horseback at the head of +their crimson battalions; bishops sailing down cathedral aisles, +with downcast eyes, pressing their trencher caps to their hearts +with their fat white hands; college heads when her Majesty is on a +visit; the doctor in all his glory at the head of his school on +speech-day: a great sight and all great men these. I have never +met the late Mr. Thomas Cribb, but I have no doubt should have +regarded him with the same feeling of awe with which I look every +day at George Champion, the Cock of Dr. Birch's school. + +When, I say, I reflect as I go up and set him a sum, that he could +whop me in two minutes, double up Prince and the other assistant, +and pitch the Doctor out of window, I can't but think how great, +how generous, how magnanimous a creature this is, that sits quite +quiet and good-natured, and works his equation, and ponders through +his Greek play. He might take the school-room pillars and pull the +house down if he liked. He might close the door, and demolish +every one of us, like Antar the lover or Ibla; but he lets us live. +He never thrashes anybody without a cause; when woe betide the +tyrant or the sneak! + +I think that to be strong, and able to whop everybody--(not to do +it, mind you, but to feel that you were able to do it,)--would be +the greatest of all gifts. There is a serene good humor which +plays about George Champion's broad face, which shows the +consciousness of this power, and lights up his honest blue eyes +with a magnanimous calm. + +He is invictus. Even when a cub there was no beating this lion. +Six years ago the undaunted little warrior actually stood up to +Frank Davison,--(the Indian officer now--poor little Charley's +brother, whom Miss Raby nursed so affectionately,)--then seventeen +years old, and the Cock of Birch's. They were obliged to drag off +the boy, and Frank, with admiration and regard for him, prophesied +the great things he would do. Legends of combats are preserved +fondly in schools; they have stories of such at Rodwell Regis, +performed in the old Doctor's time, forty years ago. + +Champion's affair with the Young Tutbury Pet, who was down here in +training,--with Black the bargeman,--with the three head boys of +Doctor Wapshot's academy, whom he caught maltreating an outlying +day-boy of ours, &c.,--are known to all the Rodwell Regis men. He +was always victorious. He is modest and kind, like all great men. +He has a good, brave, honest understanding. He cannot make verses +like young Pinder, or read Greek like Wells the Prefect, who is a +perfect young abyss of learning, and knows enough, Prince says, to +furnish any six first-class men; but he does his work in a sound +downright way, and he is made to be the bravest of soldiers, the +best of country parsons, an honest English gentleman wherever he +may go. + +Old Champion's chief friend and attendant is Young Jack Hall, whom +he saved, when drowning, out of the Miller's Pool. The attachment +of the two is curious to witness. The smaller lad gambolling, +playing tricks round the bigger one, and perpetually making fun of +his protector. They are never far apart, and of holidays you may +meet them miles away from the school,--George sauntering heavily +down the lanes with his big stick, and little Jack larking with the +pretty girls in the cottage-windows. + +George has a boat on the river, in which, however, he commonly lies +smoking, whilst Jack sculls him. He does not play at cricket, +except when the school plays the county, or at Lord's in the +holidays. The boys can't stand his bowling, and when he hits, it +is like trying to catch a cannon-ball. I have seen him at tennis. +It is a splendid sight to behold the young fellow bounding over the +court with streaming yellow hair, like young Apollo in a flannel +jacket. + +The other head boys are Lawrence the captain, Bunce, famous chiefly +for his magnificent appetite, and Pitman, surnamed Roscius, for his +love of the drama. Add to these Swanky, called Macassar, from his +partiality to that condiment, and who has varnished boots, wears +white gloves on Sundays, and looks out for Miss Pinkerton's school +(transferred from Chiswick to Rodwell Regis, and conducted by the +nieces of the late Miss Barbara Pinkerton, the friend of our great +lexicographer, upon the principles approved by him, and practised +by that admirable woman,) as it passes into church. + +Representations have been made concerning Mr. Horace Swanky's +behavior; rumors have been uttered about notes in verse, conveyed +in three-cornered puffs, by Mrs. Ruggles, who serves Miss +Pinkerton's young ladies on Fridays,--and how Miss Didow, to whom +the tart and enclosure were addressed, tried to make away with +herself by swallowing a ball of cotton. But I pass over these +absurd reports, as likely to affect the reputation of an admirable +seminary conducted by irreproachable females. As they go into +church Miss P. driving in her flock of lambkins with the crook of +her parasol, how can it be helped if her forces and ours sometimes +collide, as the boys are on their way up to the organ-loft? And I +don't believe a word about the three-cornered puff, but rather that +it was the invention of that jealous Miss Birch, who is jealous of +Miss Raby, jealous of everybody who is good and handsome, and who +has HER OWN ENDS in view, or I am very much in error. + + +THE DEAR BROTHERS. + +A MELODRAMA IN SEVERAL ROUNDS. + + +THE DOCTOR. +MR. TIPPER, Uncle to the Masters Boxall. +BOXALL MAJOR, BOXALL MINOR, BROWN, JONES, SMITH, ROBINSON, + TIFFIN MINIMUS. + + +B. Go it, old Boxall! +J. Give it him, young Boxall! +R. Pitch into him, old Boxall! +S. Two to one on young Boxall! + + [Enter TIFFIN MINIMUS, running. + +Tiffin Minimus.--Boxalls! you're wanted. +(The Doctor to Mr. Tipper.)--Every boy in the school loves them, my +dear sir; your nephews are a credit to my establishment. They are +orderly, well-conducted, gentlemanlike boys. Let us enter and find +them at their studies. + + [Enter The DOCTOR and Mr. TIPPER. + +GRAND TABLEAU. + + +THE LITTLE SCHOOL-ROOM. + + +What they call the little school-room is a small room at the other +end of the great school; through which you go to the Doctor's +private house, and where Miss Raby sits with her pupils. She has a +half-dozen very small ones over whom she presides and teaches them +in her simple way, until they are big or learned enough to face the +great school-room. Many of them are in a hurry for promotion, the +graceless little simpletons, and know no more than their elders +when they are well off. + +She keeps the accounts, writes out the bills, superintends the +linen, and sews on the general shirt-buttons. Think of having such +a woman at home to sew on one's shirt-buttons! But peace, peace, +thou foolish heart! + +Miss Raby is the Doctor's niece. Her mother was a beauty (quite +unlike old Zoe therefore); and she married a pupil in the old +Doctor's time who was killed afterwards, a captain in the East +India service, at the siege of Bhurtpore. Hence a number of Indian +children come to the Doctor's; for Raby was very much liked, and +the uncle's kind reception of the orphan has been a good +speculation for the school-keeper. + +It is wonderful how brightly and gayly that little quick creature +does her duty. She is the first to rise, and the last to sleep, if +any business is to be done. She sees the other two women go off to +parties in the town without even so much as wishing to join them. +It is Cinderella, only contented to stay at home--content to bear +Zoe's scorn and to admit Rosa's superior charms,--and to do her +utmost to repay her uncle for his great kindness in housing her. + +So you see she works as much as three maid-servants for the wages +of one. She is as thankful when the Doctor gives her a new gown, +as if he had presented her with a fortune; laughs at his stories +most good-humoredly, listens to Zoe's scolding most meekly, admires +Rosa with all her heart, and only goes out of the way when Jack +Birch shows his sallow face: for she can't bear him, and always +finds work when he comes near. + +How different she is when some folks approach her! I won't be +presumptuous; but I think, I think, I have made a not unfavorable +impression in some quarters. However, let us be mum on this +subject. I like to see her, because she always looks good-humored; +because she is always kind, because she is always modest, because +she is fond of those poor little brats,--orphans some of them-- +because she is rather pretty, I dare say, or because I think so, +which comes to the same thing. + +Though she is kind to all, it must be owned she shows the most +gross favoritism towards the amiable children. She brings them +cakes from dessert, and regales them with Zoe's preserves; spends +many of her little shillings in presents for her favorites, and +will tell them stories by the hour. She has one very sad story +about a little boy, who died long ago: the younger children are +never weary of hearing about him; and Miss Raby has shown to one of +them a lock of the little chap's hair, which she keeps in her work- +box to this day. + + +A HOPELESS CASE. + + +Let us, people who are so uncommonly clever and learned, have a +great tenderness and pity for the poor folks who are not endowed +with the prodigious talents which we have. I have always had a +regard for dunces;--those of my own school-days were amongst the +pleasantest of the fellows, and have turned out by no means the +dullest in life; whereas many a youth who could turn off Latin +hexameters by the yard, and construe Greek quite glibly, is no +better than a feeble prig now, with not a pennyworth more brains +than were in his head before his beard grew. + +Those poor dunces! Talk of being the last man, ah! what a pang it +must be to be the last boy--huge, misshapen, fourteen years of age, +and "taken up" by a chap who is but six years old, and can't speak +quite plain yet! + +Master Hulker is in that condition at Birch's. He is the most +honest, kind, active, plucky, generous creature. He can do many +things better than most boys. He can go up a tree, pump, play at +cricket, dive and swim perfectly--he can eat twice as much as +almost any lady (as Miss Birch well knows), he has a pretty talent +at carving figures with his hack-knife, he makes and paints little +coaches, he can take a watch to pieces and put it together again. +He can do everything but learn his lesson; and then he sticks at +the bottom of the school hopeless. As the little boys are drafted +in from Miss Raby's class, (it is true she is one of the best +instructresses in the world,) they enter and hop over poor Hulker. +He would be handed over to the governess, only he is too big. +Sometimes, I used to think that this desperate stupidity was a +stratagem of the poor rascal's, and that he shammed dulness, so +that he might be degraded into Miss Raby's class--if she would +teach ME, I know, before George, I would put on a pinafore and a +little jacket--but no, it is a natural incapacity for the Latin +Grammar. + +If you could see his grammar, it is a perfect curiosity of dog's +ears. The leaves and cover are all curled and ragged. Many of the +pages are worn away with the rubbing of his elbows as he sits +poring over the hopeless volume, with the blows of his fists as he +thumps it madly, or with the poor fellow's tears. You see him +wiping them away with the back of his hand, as he tries and tries, +and can't do it. + +When I think of that Latin Grammar, and that infernal As in +praesenti, and of other things which I was made to learn in my +youth; upon my conscience, I am surprised that we ever survived it. +When one thinks of the boys who have been caned because they could +not master that intolerable jargon! Good Lord, what a pitiful +chorus these poor little creatures send up! Be gentle with them, +ye schoolmasters, and only whop those who WON'T learn. + +The Doctor has operated upon Hulker (between ourselves), but the +boy was so little affected you would have thought he had taken +chloroform. Birch is weary of whipping now, and leaves the boy to +go his own gait. Prince, when he hears the lesson, and who cannot +help making fun of a fool, adopts the sarcastic manner with Master +Hulker, and says, "Mr. Hulker, may I take the liberty to inquire if +your brilliant intellect has enabled you to perceive the difference +between those words which grammarians have defined as substantive +and adjective nouns?--if not, perhaps Mr. Ferdinand Timmins will +instruct you." And Timmins hops over Hulker's head. + +I wish Prince would leave off girding at the poor lad. He is a +boy, and his mother is a widow woman, who loves him with all her +might. There is a famous sneer about the suckling of fools and the +chronicling of small beer; but remember it was a rascal who uttered +it. + + +A WORD ABOUT MISS BIRCH. + + +"The gentlemen, and especially the younger and more tender of these +pupils, will have the advantage of the constant superintendence and +affectionate care of Miss Zoe Birch, sister of the principal: whose +clearest aim will be to supply (as far as may be) the absent +maternal friend."--Prospectus of Rodwell Regis School. + +This is all very well in the Doctor's prospectus, and Miss Zoe +Birch--(a pretty blossom it is, fifty-five years old, during two +score of which she has dosed herself with pills; with a nose as red +and a face as sour as a crab-apple)--this is all mighty well in a +prospectus. But I should like to know who would take Miss Zoe for +a mother, or would have her for one? + +The only persons in the house who are not afraid of her are Miss +Rosa and I--no, I am afraid of her, though I DO know the story +about the French usher in 1830--but all the rest tremble before the +woman, from the Doctor down to poor Francis the knife-boy, whom she +bullies into his miserable blacking-hole. + +The Doctor is a pompous and outwardly severe man--but inwardly weak +and easy; loving a joke and a glass of port-wine. I get on with +him, therefore, much better than Mr. Prince, who scorns him for an +ass, and under whose keen eyes the worthy Doctor writhes like a +convicted impostor; and many a sunshiny afternoon would he have +said, "Mr. T., sir, shall we try another glass of that yellow +sealed wine which you seem to like?" (and which he likes even +better than I do,) had not the old harridan of a Zoe been down upon +us, and insisted on turning me out with her abominable weak coffee. +She a mother indeed! A sour-milk generation she would have nursed. +She is always croaking, scolding, bullying--yowling at the +housemaids, snarling at Miss Raby, bowwowing after the little boys, +barking after the big ones. She knows how much every boy eats to +an ounce; and her delight is to ply with fat the little ones who +can't bear it, and with raw meat those who hate underdone. It was +she who caused the Doctor to be eaten out three times; and nearly +created a rebellion in the school because she insisted on his +flogging Goliath Longman. + +The only time that woman is happy is when she comes in of a morning +to the little boys' dormitories with a cup of hot Epsom salts, and +a sippet of bread. Boo!--the very notion makes me quiver. She +stands over them. I saw her do it to young Byles only a few days +since; and her presence makes the abomination doubly abominable. + +As for attending them in real illness, do you suppose that she +would watch a single night for any one of them? Not she. When +poor little Charley Davison (that child a lock of whose soft hair I +have said how Miss Raby still keeps) lay ill of scarlet fever in +the holidays--for the Colonel, the father of these boys, was in +India--it was Anne Raby who tended the child, who watched him all +through the fever, who never left him while it lasted, or until she +had closed the little eyes that were never to brighten or moisten +more. Anny watched and deplored him; but it was Miss Birch who +wrote the letter announcing his demise, and got the gold chain and +locket which the Colonel ordered as a memento of his gratitude. It +was through a row with Miss Birch that Frank Davison ran away. I +promise you that after he joined his regiment in India, the +Ahmednuggur Irregulars, which his gallant father commands, there +came over no more annual shawls and presents to Dr. and Miss Birch; +and that if she fancied the Colonel was coming home to marry her +(on account of her tenderness to his motherless children, which he +was always writing about), THAT notion was very soon given up. But +these affairs are of early date, seven years back, and I only heard +of them in a very confused manner from Miss Raby, who was a girl, +and had just come to Rodwell Regis. She is always very much moved +when she speaks about those boys; which is but seldom. I take it +the death of the little one still grieves her tender heart. + +Yes, it is Miss Birch, who has turned away seventeen ushers and +second-masters in eleven years, and half as many French masters, I +suppose, since the departure of her FAVORITE, M. Grinche, with her +gold watch, &c.; but this is only surmise--that is, from hearsay, +and from Miss Rosa taunting her aunt, as she does sometimes, in her +graceful way: but besides this, I have another way of keeping her +in order. + +Whenever she is particularly odious or insolent to Miss Raby, I +have but to introduce raspberry jam into the conversation, and the +woman holds her tongue. She will understand me. I need not say +more. + +NOTE, 12th December. I MAY speak now. I have left the place and +don't mind. I say then at once, and without caring twopence for +the consequences, that I saw this woman, this MOTHER of the boys, +EATING JAM WITH A SPOON OUT OF MASTER WIGGINS'S TRUNK IN THE BOX- +ROOM: and of this I am ready to take an affidavit any day. + + +A TRAGEDY. + +THE DRAMA OUGHT TO BE REPRESENTED IN ABOUT SIX ACTS. + + +[The school is hushed. LAWRENCE the Prefect, and Custos of the +rods, is marching after the DOCTOR into the operating-room. MASTER +BACKHOUSE is about to follow.] + + +Master Backhouse.--It's all very well, but you see if I don't pay +you out after school--you sneak you! + +Master Lurcher.--If you do I'll tell again. + [Exit BACKHOUSE. + +[The rod is heard from the adjoining apartment. Hwish--hwish-- +hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish! + [Re-enter BACKHOUSE. + + +BRIGGS IN LUCK. + + +Enter the Knife-boy.--Hamper for Briggses! +Master Brown.--Hurray, Tom Briggs! I'll lend you my knife. + + +If this story does not carry its own moral, what fable does, I +wonder? Before the arrival of that hamper, Master Briggs was in no +better repute than any other young gentleman of the lower school; +and in fact I had occasion myself, only lately, to correct Master +Brown for kicking his friend's shins during the writing-lesson. +But how this basket, directed by his mother's housekeeper and +marked "Glass with care," (whence I conclude that it contains some +jam and some bottles of wine, probably, as well as the usual cake +and game-pie, and half a sovereign for the elder Master B., and +five new shillings for Master Decimus Briggs)--how, I say, the +arrival of this basket alters all Master Briggs's circumstances in +life, and the estimation in which many persons regard him! + +If he is a good-hearted boy, as I have reason to think, the very +first thing he will do, before inspecting the contents of the +hamper, or cutting into them with the knife which Master Brown has +so considerately lent him, will be to read over the letter from +home which lies on the top of the parcel. He does so, as I remark +to Miss Raby (for whom I happened to be mending pens when the +little circumstance arose), with a flushed face and winking eyes. +Look how the other boys are peering into the basket as he reads.--I +say to her, "Isn't it a pretty picture?" Part of the letter is in +a very large hand. This is from his little sister. And I would +wager that she netted the little purse which he has just taken out +of it, and which Master Lynx is eying. + +"You are a droll man, and remark all sorts of queer things," Miss +Raby says, smiling, and plying her swift needle and fingers as +quick as possible. + +"I am glad we are both on the spot, and that the little fellow lies +under our guns as it were, and so is protected from some such +brutal school-pirate as young Duval for instance, who would rob +him, probably, of some of those good things; good in themselves, +and better because fresh from home. See, there is a pie as I said, +and which I dare say is better than those which are served at our +table (but you never take any notice of such kind of things, Miss +Raby), a cake of course, a bottle of currant-wine, jam-pots, and no +end of pears in the straw. With their money little Briggs will be +able to pay the tick which that imprudent child has run up with +Mrs. Ruggles; and I shall let Briggs Major pay for the pencil-case +which Bullock sold to him.--It will be a lesson to the young +prodigal for the future. But, I say, what a change there will be +in his life for some time to come, and at least until his present +wealth is spent! The boys who bully him will mollify towards him, +and accept his pie and sweetmeats. They will have feasts in the +bedroom; and that wine will taste more delicious to them than the +best out of the Doctor's cellar. The cronies will be invited. +Young Master Wagg will tell his most dreadful story and sing his +best song for a slice of that pie. What a jolly night they will +have! When we go the rounds at night, Mr. Prince and I will take +care to make a noise before we come to Briggs's room, so that the +boys may have time to put the light out, to push the things away, +and to scud into bed. Doctor Spry may be put in requisition the +next morning." + +"Nonsense! you absurd creature," cries out Miss Raby, laughing; and +I lay down the twelfth pen very nicely mended. + +"Yes; after luxury comes the doctor, I say; after extravagance a +hole in the breeches pocket. To judge from his disposition, Briggs +Major will not be much better off a couple of days hence than he is +now; and, if I am not mistaken, will end life a poor man. Brown +will be kicking his shins before a week is over, depend upon it. +There are boys and men of all sorts, Miss R.--There are selfish +sneaks who hoard until the store they daren't use grows mouldy-- +there are spendthrifts who fling away, parasites who flatter and +lick its shoes, and snarling curs who hate and envy, good fortune." + +I put down the last of the pens, brushing away with it the quill- +chips from her desk first, and she looked at me with a kind, +wondering face. I brushed them away, clicked the penknife into my +pocket, made her a bow, and walked off--for the bell was ringing +for school. + + +A YOUNG FELLOW WHO IS PRETTY SURE TO SUCCEED. + + +If Master Briggs is destined in all probability to be a poor man, +the chances are that Mr. Bullock will have a very different lot, he +is a son of a partner of the eminent banking firm of Bullock and +Hulker, Lombard street, and very high in the upper school--quite +out of my jurisdiction, consequently. + +He writes the most beautiful current-hand ever seen; and the way in +which he mastered arithmetic (going away into recondite and +wonderful rules in the Tutor's Assistant, which some masters even +dare not approach,) is described by the Doctor in terms of +admiration. He is Mr. Prince's best algebra pupil; and a very fair +classic, too; doing everything well for which he has a mind. + +He does not busy himself with the sports of his comrades, and holds +a cricket-bat no better than Miss Raby would. He employs the play- +hours in improving his mind, and reading the newspaper; he is a +profound politician, and, it must be owned, on the liberal side. +The elder boys despise him rather; and when champion Major passes, +he turns his head, and looks down. I don't like the expression of +Bullock's narrow green eyes, as they follow the elder Champion, who +does not seem to know or care how much the other hates him. + +No. Mr. Bullock, though perhaps the cleverest and most +accomplished boy in the school, associates with the quite little +boys when he is minded for society. To these he is quite affable, +courteous, and winning. He never fagged or thrashed one of them. +He has done the verses and corrected the exercises of many, and +many is the little lad to whom he has lent a little money. + +It is true he charges at the rate of a penny a week for every +sixpence lent out; but many a fellow to whom tarts are a present +necessity is happy to pay this interest for the loan. These +transactions are kept secret. Mr. Bullock, in rather a whining +tone, when he takes Master Green aside and does the requisite +business for him, says, "You know you'll go and talk about it +everywhere. I don't want to lend you the money, I want to buy +something with it. It's only to oblige you; and yet I am sure you +will go and make fun of me." Whereon, of course, Green, eager for +the money, vows solemnly that the transaction shall be confidential, +and only speaks when the payment of the interest becomes oppressive. + +Thus it is that Mr. Bullock's practices are at all known. At a +very early period, indeed, his commercial genius manifested itself: +and by happy speculations in toffey; by composing a sweet drink +made of stick-liquorice and brown sugar, and selling it at a profit +to the younger children; by purchasing a series of novels, which he +let out at an adequate remuneration; by doing boys' exercises for a +penny, and other processes, he showed the bent of his mind. At the +end of the half-year he always went home richer than when he +arrived at school, with his purse full of money. + +Nobody knows how much he brought: but the accounts are fabulous. +Twenty, thirty, fifty--it is impossible to say how many sovereigns. +When joked about his money, he turns pale and swears he has not a +shilling: whereas he has had a banker's account ever since he was +thirteen. + +At the present moment he is employed in negotiating the sale of a +knife with Master Green, and is pointing out to the latter the +beauty of the six blades, and that he need not pay until after the +holidays. + +Champion Major has sworn that he will break every bone in his skin +the next time that he cheats a little boy, and is bearing down upon +him. Let us come away. It is frightful to see that big peaceful +clever coward moaning under well-deserved blows and whining for +mercy. + + +DUVAL THE PIRATE. + + +JONES MINIMUS passes, laden with tarts. + +Duval.--Hullo! you small boy with the tarts! Come here, sir. +Jones Minimus.--Please, Duval, they ain't mine. +Duval.--Oh, you abominable young story-teller. + [He confiscates the goods. + + +I think I like young Duval's mode of levying contributions better +than Bullock's. The former's, at least, has the merit of more +candor. Duval is the pirate of Birch's, and lies in wait for small +boys laden with money or provender. He scents plunder from afar +off: and pounces out on it. Woe betide the little fellow when +Duval boards him! + +There was a youth here whose money I used to keep, as he was of an +extravagant and weak taste; and I doled it out to him in weekly +shillings, sufficient for the purchase of the necessary tarts. +This boy came to me one day for half a sovereign, for a very +particular purpose, he said. I afterwards found he wanted to lend +the money to Duval. + +The young ogre burst out laughing, when in a great wrath and fury I +ordered him to refund to the little boy: and proposed a bill of +exchange at three months. It is true Duval's father does not pay +the Doctor, and the lad never has a shilling, save that which he +levies; and though he is always bragging about the splendor of +Freenystown, Co. Cork, and the fox-hounds his father keeps, and the +claret they drink there--there comes no remittance from Castle +Freeny in these bad times to the honest Doctor; who is a kindly man +enough, and never yet turned an insolvent boy out of doors. + + +THE DORMITORIES. + + +MASTER HEWLETT AND MASTER NIGHTINGALE + +(Rather a cold winter night.) + +Hewlett (flinging a shoe at Master Nightingale's bed, with which he +hits that young gentleman).--Hullo, you! Get up and bring me that +shoe! + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. (He gets up.) + +Hewlett.--Don't drop it, and be very careful of it, sir. + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. + +Hewlett.--Silence in the dormitory! Any boy who opens his mouth, +I'll murder him. Now, sir, are not you the boy what can sing? + +Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. + +Hewlett.--Chant, then, till I go to sleep, and if I wake when you +stop, you'll have this at your head. + +[Master HEWLETT lays his Bluchers on the bed, ready to shy at +Master Nightingale's head in the case contemplated.] + +Nightingale (timidly).--Please, Hewlett? + +Hewlett.--Well, sir? + +Nightingale.--May I put on my trousers, please? + +Hewlett.--No, sir. Go on, or I'll-- + +Nightingale.-- + + "Through pleasures and palaces + Though we may roam, + Be it ever so humble + There's no place like home." + + +A CAPTURE AND A RESCUE. + + +My young friend, Patrick Champion, George's younger brother, is a +late arrival among us; has much of the family quality and good +nature; is not in the least a tyrant to the small boys, but is as +eager as Amadis to fight. He is boxing his way up the school, +emulating his great brother. He fixes his eye on a boy above him +in strength or size, and you hear somehow that a difference has +arisen between them at football, and they have their coats off +presently. He has thrashed himself over the heads of many youths +in this manner: for instance, if Champion can lick Dobson, who can +thrash Hobson, how much more, then, can he thrash Hobson? Thus he +works up and establishes his position in the school. Nor does Mr. +Prince think it advisable that we ushers should walk much in the +way when these little differences are being settled, unless there +is some gross disparity, or danger is apprehended. + +For instance, I own to having seen this row as I was shaving at my +bedroom window. I did not hasten down to prevent its consequences. +Fogle had confiscated a top, the property of Snivins; the which, as +the little wretch was always pegging it at my toes, I did not +regret. Snivins whimpered; and young Champion came up, lusting for +battle. Directly he made out Fogle, he steered for him, pulling up +his coat-sleeves, and clearing for action. + +"Who spoke to YOU, young Champion?" Fogle said, and he flung down +the top to Master Snivins. I knew there would be no fight; and +perhaps Champion, too, was disappointed, + + +THE GARDEN, + +WHERE THE PARLOR-BOARDERS GO. + + +Noblemen have been rather scarce at Birch's--but the heir of a +great Prince has been living with the Doctor for some years.--He is +Lord George Gaunt's eldest son, the noble Plantagenet Gaunt Gaunt, +and nephew of the Most Honorable the Marquis of Steyne. + +They are very proud of him at the Doctor's--and the two Misses and +Papa, whenever a stranger comes down whom they want to dazzle, are +pretty sure to bring Lord Steyne into the conversation, mention the +last party at Gaunt House, and cursorily to remark that they have +with them a young friend who will be, in all human probability, +Marquis of Steyne and Earl of Gaunt, &c. + +Plantagenet does not care much about these future honors: provided +he can get some brown sugar on his bread-and-butter, or sit with +three chairs and play at coach-and-horses quite quietly by himself, +he is tolerably happy. He saunters in and out of school when he +likes, and looks at the masters and other boys with a listless +grin. He used to be taken to church, but he laughed and talked in +odd places, so they are forced to leave him at home now. He will +sit with a bit of string and play cat's-cradle for many hours. He +likes to go and join the very small children at their games. Some +are frightened at him; but they soon cease to fear, and order him +about. I have seen him go and fetch tarts from Mrs. Ruggles for a +boy of eight years old; and cry bitterly if he did not get a piece. +He cannot speak quite plain, but very nearly; and is not more, I +suppose, than three-and-twenty. + +Of course at home they know his age, though they never come and see +him. But they forget that Miss Rosa Birch is no longer a young +chit as she was ten years ago, when Gaunt was brought to the +school. On the contrary, she has had no small experience in the +tender passion, and is at this moment smitten with a disinterested +affection for Plantagenet Gaunt. + +Next to a little doll with a burnt nose, which he hides away in +cunning places, Mr. Gaunt is very fond of Miss Rosa too. What a +pretty match it would make! and how pleased they would be at Gaunt +House, if the grandson and heir of the great Marquis of Steyne, the +descendant of a hundred Gaunts and Tudors, should marry Miss Birch, +thc schoolmaster's daughter! It is true she has the sense on her +side, and poor Plantagenet is only an idiot: but there he is, a +zany, with such expectations and such a pedigree! + +If Miss Rosa would run away with Mr. Gaunt, she would leave off +bullying her cousin, Miss Anny Raby. Shall I put her up to the +notion, and offer to lend her the money to run away? Mr. Gaunt is +not allowed money. He had some once, but Bullock took him into a +corner, and got it from him. He has a moderate tick opened at a +tart-woman's. He stops at Rodwell Regis through the year: school- +time and holiday-time, it is all the same to him. Nobody asks +about him, or thinks about him, save twice a year, when the Doctor +goes to Gaunt House, and gets the amount of his bills, and a glass +of wine in the steward's room. + +And yet you see somehow that he is a gentleman. His manner is +different to that of the owners of that coarse table and parlor at +which he is a boarder (I do not speak of Miss R. of course, for HER +manners are as good as those of a duchess). When he caught Miss +Rosa boxing little Fiddes's ears, his face grew red, and he broke +into a fierce inarticulate rage. After that, and for some days, he +used to shrink from her; but they are reconciled now. I saw them +this afternoon in the garden where only the parlor-boarders walk. +He was playful, and touched her with his stick. She raised her +handsome eyes in surprise, and smiled on him very kindly. + +The thing was so clear, that I thought it my duty to speak to old +Zoe about it. The wicked old catamaran told me she wished that +some people would mind their own business, and hold their tongues-- +that some persons were paid to teach writing, and not to tell tales +and make mischief: and I have since been thinking whether I ought +to communicate with the Doctor. + + +THE OLD PUPIL. + + +As I came into the playgrounds this morning, I saw a dashing young +fellow, with a tanned face and a blond moustache, who was walking +up and down the green arm-in-arm with Champion Major, and followed +by a little crowd of boys. + +They were talking of old times evidently. "What had become of +Irvine and Smith?"--"Where was Bill Harris and Jones: not Squinny +Jones, but Cocky Jones?"--and so forth. The gentleman was no +stranger; he was an old pupil evidently, come to see if any of his +old comrades remained, and revisit the cari luoghi of his youth. + +Champion was evidently proud of his arm-fellow, he espied his +brother, young Champion, and introduced him. "Come here, sir," he +called. "The young 'un wasn't here in your time, Davison." "Pat, +sir," said he, "this is Captain Davison, one of Birch's boys. Ask +him who was among the first in the lines at Sobraon?" + +Pat's face kindled up as he looked Davison full in the face, and +held out his hand. Old Champion and Davison both blushed. The +infantry set up a "Hurray, hurray, hurray," Champion leading, and +waving his wide-awake. I protest that the scene did one good to +witness. Here was the hero and cock of the school come back to see +his old haunts and cronies. He had always remembered them. Since +he had seen them last, he had faced death and achieved honor. But +for my dignity I would have shied up my hat too. + +With a resolute step, and his arm still linked in Champion's, +Captain Davison now advanced, followed by a wake of little boys, to +that corner of the green where Mrs. Ruggles has her tart stand. + +"Hullo, Mother Ruggles! don't you remember me?" he said, and shook +her by the hand. + +"Lor, if it ain't Davison Major!" she said. "Well, Davison Major, +you owe me fourpence for two sausage-rolls from when you went +away." + +Davison laughed, and all the little crew of boys set up a similar +chorus. + +"I buy the whole shop," he said. "Now, young 'uns--eat away!" + +Then there was such a "Hurray! hurray!" as surpassed the former +cheer in loudness. Everybody engaged in it except Piggy Duff, who +made an instant dash at the three-cornered puffs, but was stopped +by Champion, who said there should be a fair distribution. And so +there was, and no one lacked, neither of raspberry, open tarts, nor +of mellifluous bulls'-eyes, nor of polonies, beautiful to the sight +and taste. + +The hurraying brought out the old Doctor himself, who put his hand +up to his spectacles and started when he saw the old pupil. Each +blushed when he recognized the other; for seven years ago they had +parted not good friends. + +"What--Davison?" the Doctor said, with a tremulous voice. "God +bless you, my dear fellow!"--and they shook hands. "A half +holiday, of course, boys," he added, and there was another hurray: +there was to be no end to the cheering that day. + +"How's--how's the family, sir?" Captain Davison asked. + +"Come in and see. Rosa's grown quite a lady. Dine with us, of +course. Champion Major, come to dinner at five. Mr. Titmarsh, the +pleasure of your company?" The Doctor swung open the garden gate: +the old master and pupil entered the house reconciled. + +I thought I would first peep into Miss Raby's room, and tell her +of this event. She was working away at her linen there, as usual +quiet and cheerful. + +"You should put up," I said with a smile; "the Doctor has given us +a half-holiday." + +"I never have holidays," Miss Raby replied. + +Then I told her of the scene I had just witnessed, of the arrival +of the old pupil, the purchase of the tarts, the proclamation of +the holiday, and the shouts of the boys of "Hurray, Davison!" + +"WHO is it?" cried out Miss Raby, starting and turning as white as +a sheet. + +I told her it was Captain Davison from India; and described the +appearance and behavior of the Captain. When I had finished +speaking, she asked me to go and get her a glass of water; she felt +unwell. But she was gone when I came back with the water. + + +I know all now. After sitting for a quarter of an hour with the +Doctor, who attributed his guest's uneasiness no doubt to his +desire to see Miss Rosa Birch, Davison started up and said he +wanted to see Miss Raby. "You remember, sir, how kind she was to +my little brother, sir?" he said. Whereupon the Doctor, with a +look of surprise, that anybody should want to see Miss Raby, said +she was in the little school-room; whither the Captain went, +knowing the way from old times. + +A few minutes afterwards, Miss B. and Miss Z. returned from a drive +with Plantagenet Gaunt in their one-horse fly, and being informed +of Davison's arrival, and that he was closeted with Miss Raby in +the little school-room, of course made for that apartment at once. +I was coming into it from the other door. I wanted to know whether +she had drunk the water. + +This is what both parties saw. The two were in this very attitude. +"Well, upon my word!" cries out Miss Zoe; but Davison did not let +go his hold; and Miss Raby's head only sank down on his hand. + +"You must get another governess, sir, for the little boys," Frank +Davison said to the Doctor. "Anny Raby has promised to come with +me." + +You may suppose I shut to the door on my side. And when I returned +to the little school-room, it was black and empty. Everybody was +gone. I could hear the boys shouting at play in the green outside. +The glass of water was on the table where I had placed it. I took +it and drank it myself, to the health of Anny Raby and her husband. +It was rather a choker. + +But of course I wasn't going to stop on at Birch's. When his young +friends reassemble on the 1st of February next, they will have two +new masters. Prince resigned too, and is at present living with me +at my old lodgings at Mrs. Cammysole's. If any nobleman or +gentleman wants a private tutor for his son, a note to the Rev. F. +Prince will find him there. + +Miss Clapperclaw says we are both a couple of old fools; and that +she knew when I set off last year to Rodwell Regis, after meeting +the two young ladies at a party at General Champion's house in our +street, that I was going on a goose's errand. I shall dine there +on Christmas-day; and so I wish a merry Christmas to all young and +old boys. + + +EPILOGUE. + + +The play is done; the curtain drops, +Slow falling, to the prompter's bell: +A moment yet the actor stops, +And looks around, to say farewell. +It is an irksome word and task; +And when he's laughed and said his say, +He shows, as he removes the mask, +A face that's anything but gay. + +One word, ere yet the evening ends, +Let's close it with a parting rhyme, +And pledge a hand to all young friends, +As fits the merry Christmas time. +On life's wide scene you, too, have parts, +That Fate ere long shall bid you play; +Good night! with honest gentle hearts +A kindly greeting go alway! + +Good night! I'd say the griefs, the joys, +Just hinted in this mimic page, +The triumphs and defeats of boys, +Are but repeated in our age. +I'd say, your woes were not less keen, +Your hopes more vain, than those of men, +Your pangs or pleasures of fifteen, +At forty-five played o'er again. + +I'd say, we suffer and we strive +Not less nor more as men than boys; +With grizzled beards at forty-five, +As erst at twelve, in corduroys. +And if, in time of sacred youth, +We learned at home to love and pray, +Pray heaven, that early love and truth +May never wholly pass away. + +And in the world, as in the school, +I'd say, how fate may change and shift; +The prize be sometimes with the fool, +The race not always to the swift. +The strong may yield, the good may fall, +The great man be a vulgar clown, +The knave be lifted over all, +The kind cast pitilessly down. + +Who knows the inscrutable design? +Blessed be He who took and gave: +Why should your mother, Charles, not mine, +Be weeping at her darling's grave?* +We bow to heaven that will'd it so, +That darkly rules the fate of all, +That sends the respite or the blow, +That's free to give or to recall. + +This crowns his feast with wine and wit: +Who brought him to that mirth and state? +His betters, see, below him sit, +Or hunger hopeless at the gate. +Who bade the mud from Dives' Wheel +To spurn the rags of Lazarus? +Come, brother, in that dust we'll kneel, +Confessing heaven that ruled it thus. + +So each shall mourn in life's advance, +Dear hopes, dear friends, untimely killed; +Shall grieve for many a forfeit chance, +A longing passion unfulfilled. +Amen: whatever Fate be sent,-- +Pray God the heart may kindly glow, +Although the head with cares be bent, +And whitened with the winter snow. + +Come wealth or want, come good or ill, +Let young and old accept their part, +And bow before the Awful Will, +And bear it with an honest heart. +Who misses, or who wins the prize? +Go, lose or conquer as you can. +But if you fail, or if you rise, +Be each, pray God, a gentleman, + +A gentleman, or old or young: +(Bear kindly with my humble lays,) +The sacred chorus first was sung +Upon the first of Christmas days. +The shepherds heard it overhead-- +The joyful angels raised it then: +Glory to heaven on high, it said, +And peace on earth to gentle men. + +My song, save this, is little worth; +I lay the weary pen aside, +And wish you health, and love, and mirth, +As fits the solemn Christmas tide. +As fits the holy Christmas birth, +Be this, good friends, our carol still-- +Be peace on earth, be peace on earth, +To men of gentle will. + + +* C. B., ob. Dec. 1843, aet. 42. + + + + +THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + +BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + +PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION: + +BEING AN ESSAY ON THUNDER AND SMALL BEER. + + +Any reader who may have a fancy to purchase a copy of this present +edition of the "History of the Kickleburys Abroad," had best be +warned in time, that the Times newspaper does not approve of the +work, and has but a bad opinion both of the author and his readers. +Nothing can be fairer than this statement: if you happen to take up +the poor little volume at a railroad station, and read this +sentence, lay the book down, and buy something else. You are +warned. What more can the author say? If after this you WILL +buy,--amen! pay your money, take your book, and fall to. Between +ourselves, honest reader, it is no very strong potation which the +present purveyor offers to you. It will not trouble your head much +in the drinking. It was intended for that sort of negus which is +offered at Christmas parties and of which ladies and children may +partake with refreshment and cheerfulness. Last year I tried a +brew which was old, bitter, and strong; and scarce any one would +drink it. This year we send round a milder tap, and it is liked by +customers: though the critics (who like strong ale, the rogues!) +turn up their noses. In heaven's name, Mr. Smith, serve round the +liquor to the gentle-folks. Pray, dear madam, another glass; it is +Christmas time, it will do you no harm. It is not intended to keep +long, this sort of drink. (Come, froth up, Mr. Publisher, and pass +quickly round!) And as for the professional gentlemen, we must get +a stronger sort for THEM some day. + +The Times' gentleman (a very difficult gent to please) is the +loudest and noisiest of all, and has made more hideous faces over +the refreshment offered to him than any other critic. There is no +use shirking this statement! when a man has been abused in the +Times, he can't hide it, any more than he could hide the knowledge +of his having been committed to prison by Mr. Henry, or publicly +caned in Pall Mall. You see it in your friends' eyes when they +meet you. They know it. They have chuckled over it to a man. +They whisper about it at the club, and look over the paper at you. +My next-door neighbor came to see me this morning, and I saw by his +face that he had the whole story pat. "Hem!" says he, "well, I +HAVE heard of it; and the fact is, they were talking about you at +dinner last night, and mentioning that the Times had--ahem!-- +'walked into you.'" + +"My good M----" I say--and M---- will corroborate, if need be, the +statement I make here--"here is the Times' article, dated January +4th, which states so and so, and here is a letter from the +publisher, likewise dated January 4th, and which says:-- + + +"MY DEAR Sir,--Having this day sold the last copy of the first +edition (of x thousand) of the 'Kickleburys Abroad,' and having +orders for more, had we not better proceed to a second edition? and +will you permit me to enclose an order on," &c. &c.? + + +Singular coincidence! And if every author who was so abused by a +critic had a similar note from a publisher, good Lord! how easily +would we take the critic's censure! + +"Yes, yes," you say; "it is all very well for a writer to affect to +be indifferent to a critique from the Times. You bear it as a boy +bears a flogging at school, without crying out; but don't swagger +and brag as if you liked it." + +Let us have truth before all. I would rather have a good word than +a bad one from any person: but if a critic abuses me from a high +place, and it is worth my while, I will appeal. If I can show that +the judge who is delivering sentence against me, and laying down +the law and making a pretence of learning, has no learning and no +law, and is neither more nor less than a pompous noodle, who ought +not to be heard in any respectable court, I will do so; and then, +dear friends, perhaps you will have something to laugh at in this +book.-- + + +"THE KICKLEBURYS ABROAD. + +"It has been customary, of late years, for the purveyors of amusing +literature--the popular authors of the day--to put forth certain +opuscules, denominated 'Christmas Books,' with the ostensible +intention of swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive +emotions, incident upon the exodus of the old and the inauguration +of the new year. We have said that their ostensible intention was +such, because there is another motive for these productions, locked +up (as the popular author deems) in his own breast, but which +betrays itself, in the quality of the work, as his principal +incentive. Oh! that any muse should be set upon a high stool to +cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the +popular author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit, +and place himself in a position the more effectually to encounter +those liabilities which sternly assert themselves contemporaneously +and in contrast with the careless and free-handed tendencies of the +season by the emission of Christmas books--a kind of literary +assignats, representing to the emitter expunged debts, to the +receiver an investment of enigmatical value. For the most part +bearing the stamp of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's +exchequer rather than in the fulness of his genius, they suggest by +their feeble flavor the rinsings of a void brain after the more +important concoctions of the expired year. Indeed, we should as +little think of taking these compositions as examples of the merits +of their authors as we should think of measuring the valuable +services of Mr. Walker, the postman, or Mr. Bell, the dust- +collector, by the copy of verses they leave at our doors as a +provocative of the expected annual gratuity--effusions with which +they may fairly be classed for their intrinsic worth no less than +their ultimate purport. + +"In the Christmas book presently under notice, the author appears +(under the thin disguise of Mr. Michael Angelo Titmarsh) in +'propria persona' as the popular author, the contributor to Punch, +the remorseless pursuer of unconscious vulgarity and feeble- +mindedness, launched upon a tour of relaxation to the Rhine. But +though exercising, as is the wont of popular authors in their +moments of leisure, a plentiful reserve of those higher qualities +to which they are indebted for their fame, his professional +instincts are not altogether in abeyance. From the moment his eye +lights upon a luckless family group embarked on the same steamer +with himself, the sight of his accustomed quarry--vulgarity, +imbecility, and affectation--reanimates his relaxed sinews, and, +playfully fastening his satiric fangs upon the familiar prey, he +dallies with it in mimic ferocity like a satiated mouser. + +"Though faintly and carelessly indicated, the characters are those +with which the author loves to surround himself. A tuft-hunting +county baronet's widow, an inane captain of dragoons, a graceless +young baronet, a lady with groundless pretensions to feeble health +and poesy, an obsequious nonentity her husband, and a flimsy and +artificial young lady, are the personages in whom we are expected +to find amusement. Two individuals alone form an exception to the +above category, and are offered to the respectful admiration of the +reader,--the one, a shadowy serjeant-at-law, Mr. Titmarsh's +travelling companion, who escapes with a few side puffs of +flattery, which the author struggles not to render ironical, and a +mysterious countess, spoken of in a tone of religious reverence, +and apparently introduced that we may learn by what delicate +discriminations our adoration of rank should be regulated. + +"To those who love to hug themselves in a sense of superiority by +admeasurement with the most worthless of their species, in their +most worthless aspects, the Kickleburys on the Rhine will afford an +agreeable treat, especially as the purveyor of the feast offers his +own moments of human weakness as a modest entree in this banquet of +erring mortality. To our own, perhaps unphilosophical, taste the +aspirations towards sentimental perfection of another popular +author are infinitely preferable to these sardonic divings after +the pearl of truth, whose lustre is eclipsed in the display of the +diseased oyster. Much, in the present instance, perhaps all, the +disagreeable effect of his subject is no doubt attributable to the +absence of Mr. Thackeray's usual brilliancy of style. A few +flashes, however, occur, such as the description of M. Lenoir's +gaming establishment, with the momentous crisis to which it was +subjected, and the quaint and imaginative sallies evoked by the +whole town of Rougetnoirbourg and its lawful prince. These, with +the illustrations, which are spirited enough, redeem the book from +an absolute ban. Mr. Thackeray's pencil is more congenial than his +pen. He cannot draw his men and women with their skins off, and, +therefore, the effigies of his characters are pleasanter to +contemplate than the flayed anatomies of the letter-press." + + +There is the whole article. And the reader will see (in the +paragraph preceding that memorable one which winds up with the +diseased oyster) that he must be a worthless creature for daring to +like the book, as he could only do so from a desire to hug himself +in a sense of superiority by admeasurement with the most worthless +of his fellow-creatures! + +The reader is worthless for liking a book of which all the +characters are worthless, except two, which are offered to his +respectful admiration; and of these two the author does not respect +one, but struggles not to laugh in his face; whilst he apparently +speaks of another in a tone of religious reverence, because the +lady is a countess, and because he (the author) is a sneak. So +reader, author, characters, are rogues all. Be there any honest +men left, Hal? About Printing-house Square, mayhap you may light +on an honest man, a squeamish man, a proper moral man, a man that +shall talk you Latin by the half-column if you will but hear him. + +And what a style it is, that great man's! What hoighth of foine +language entoirely! How he can discoorse you in English for all +the world as if it was Latin! For instance, suppose you and I had +to announce the important news that some writers published what are +called Christmas books; that Christmas books are so called because +they are published at Christmas: and that the purpose of the +authors is to try and amuse people. Suppose, I say, we had, by the +sheer force of intellect, or by other means of observation or +information, discovered these great truths, we should have +announced them in so many words. And there it is that the +difference lies between a great writer and a poor one; and we may +see how an inferior man may fling a chance away. How does my +friend of the Times put these propositions? "It has been +customary," says he, "of late years for the purveyors of amusing +literature to put forth certain opuscules, denominated Christmas +books, with the ostensible intention of swelling the tide of +exhilaration, or other expansive emotions, incident upon the exodus +of the old or the inauguration of the new year." That is something +like a sentence; not a word scarcely but's in Latin, and the +longest and handsomest out of the whole dictionary. That is proper +economy--as you see a buck from Holywell Street put every pinchbeck +pin, ring, and chain which he possesses about his shirt, hands, and +waistcoat, and then go and cut a dash in the Park, or swagger with +his order to the theatre. It costs him no more to wear all his +ornaments about his distinguished person than to leave them at +home. If you can be a swell at a cheap rate, why not? And I +protest, for my part, I had no idea what I was really about in +writing and submitting my little book for sale, until my friend the +critic, looking at the article, and examining it with the eyes of a +connoisseur, pronounced that what I had fancied simply to be a book +was in fact "an opuscule denominated so-and-so, and ostensibly +intended to swell the tide of expansive emotion incident upon the +inauguration of the new year." I can hardly believe as much even +now--so little do we know what we really are after, until men of +genius come and interpret. + +And besides the ostensible intention, the reader will perceive that +my judge has discovered another latent motive, which I had "locked +up in my own breast." The sly rogue! (if we may so speak of the +court.) There is no keeping anything from him; and this truth, +like the rest, has come out, and is all over England by this time. +Oh, that all England, which has bought the judge's charge, would +purchase the prisoner's plea in mitigation! "Oh, that any muse +should be set on a high stool," says the bench, "to cast up +accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the popular +author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit by the +emission of Christmas books--a kind of assignats that bear the +stamp of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's exchequer." +There is a trope for you! You rascal, you wrote because you wanted +money! His lordship has found out what you were at, and that there +is a deficit in your till. But he goes on to say that we poor +devils are to be pitied in our necessity; and that these compositions +are no more to be taken as examples of our merits than the verses +which the dustman leaves at his lordship's door, "as a provocative +of the expected annual gratuity," are to be considered as measuring +his, the scavenger's, valuable services--nevertheless the author's +and the scavenger's "effusions may fairly be classed, for their +intrinsic worth, no less than their ultimate purport." + +Heaven bless his lordship on the bench--What a gentle manlike +badinage he has, and what a charming and playful wit always at +hand! What a sense he has for a simile, or what Mrs. Malaprop +calls an odorous comparison, and how gracefully he conducts it to +"its ultimate purport." A gentleman writing a poor little book is +a scavenger asking for a Christmas-box! + + +As I try this small beer which has called down such a deal of +thunder, I can't help thinking that it is not Jove who has interfered +(the case was scarce worthy of his divine vindictiveness); but the +Thunderer's man, Jupiter Jeames, taking his master's place, adopting +his manner, and trying to dazzle and roar like his awful employer. +That figure of the dustman has hardly been flung from heaven: that +"ultimate purport" is a subject which the Immortal would hardly +handle. Well, well; let us allow that the book is not worthy of +such a polite critic--that the beer is not strong enough for a +gentleman who has taste and experience in beer. + +That opinion no man can ask his honor to alter; but (the beer being +the question), why make unpleasant allusions to the Gazette, and +hint at the probable bankruptcy of the brewer? Why twit me with my +poverty; and what can the Times' critic know about the vacuity of +my exchequer? Did he ever lend me any money? Does he not himself +write for money? (and who would grudge it to such a polite and +generous and learned author?) If he finds no disgrace in being +paid, why should I? If he has ever been poor, why should he joke +at my empty exchequer? Of course such a genius is paid for his +work: with such neat logic, such a pure style, such a charming +poetical turn of phrase, of course a critic gets money. Why, a man +who can say of a Christmas book that "it is an opuscule denominated +so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell the tide of expansive +emotion incident upon the exodus of the old year," must evidently +have had immense sums and care expended on his early education, and +deserves a splendid return. You can't go into the market, and get +scholarship like THAT, without paying for it: even the flogging +that such a writer must have had in early youth (if he was at a +public school where the rods were paid for), must have cost his +parents a good sum. Where would you find any but an accomplished +classical scholar to compare the books of the present (or indeed +any other) writer to "sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, +whose lustre is eclipsed in the display of the diseased oyster;" +mere Billingsgate doesn't turn out oysters like these; they are of +the Lucrine lake:--this satirist has pickled his rods in Latin +brine. Fancy, not merely a diver, but a sardonic diver: and the +expression of his confounded countenance on discovering not only a +pearl, but an eclipsed pearl, which was in a diseased oyster! I +say it is only by an uncommon and happy combination of taste, +genius, and industry, that a man can arrive at uttering such +sentiments in such fine language,--that such a man ought to be well +paid, as I have no doubt he is, and that he is worthily employed to +write literary articles, in large type, in the leading journal of +Europe. Don't we want men of eminence and polite learning to sit +on the literary bench, and to direct the public opinion? + +But when this profound scholar compares me to a scavenger who +leaves a copy of verses at his door and begs for a Christmas-box, I +must again cry out and say, "My dear sir, it is true your simile is +offensive, but can you make it out? Are you not hasty in your +figures and illusions?" If I might give a hint to so consummate a +rhetorician, you should be more careful in making your figures +figures, and your similes like: for instance, when you talk of a +book "swelling the tide of exhilaration incident to the inauguration +of the new year," or of a book "bearing the stamp of its origin in +vacuity," &c.,--or of a man diving sardonically; or of a pearl +eclipsed in the display of a diseased oyster--there are some people +who will not apprehend your meaning: some will doubt whether you had +a meaning: some even will question your great powers, and say, "Is +this man to be a critic in a newspaper, which knows what English, +and Latin too, and what sense and scholarship, are?" I don't +quarrel with you--I take for granted your wit and learning, your +modesty and benevolence--but why scavenger--Jupiter Jeames--why +scavenger? A gentleman, whose biography the Examiner was fond of +quoting before it took its present serious and orthodox turn, was +pursued by an outraged wife to the very last stage of his existence +with an appeal almost as pathetic--Ah, sir, why scavenger? + +How can I be like a dustman that rings for a Christmas-box at your +hall-door? I never was there in my life. I never left at your +door a copy of verses provocative of an annual gratuity, as your +noble honor styles it. Who are you? If you are the man I take you +to be, it must have been you who asked the publisher for my book, +and not I who sent it in, and begged a gratuity of your worship. +You abused me out of the Times' window; but if ever your noble +honor sent me a gratuity out of your own door, may I never drive +another dust-cart. "Provocative of a gratuity!" O splendid swell! +How much was it your worship sent out to me by the footman? Every +farthing you have paid I will restore to your lordship, and I swear +I shall not be a halfpenny the poorer. + +As before, and on similar seasons and occasions, I have compared +myself to a person following a not dissimilar calling: let me +suppose now, for a minute, that I am a writer of a Christmas farce, +who sits in the pit, and sees the performance of his own piece. +There comes applause, hissing, yawning, laughter, as may be: but +the loudest critic of all is our friend the cheap buck, who sits +yonder and makes his remarks, so that all the audience may hear. +"THIS a farce!" says Beau Tibbs: "demmy! it's the work of a poor +devil who writes for money,--confound his vulgarity! This a farce! +Why isn't it a tragedy, or a comedy, or an epic poem, stap my +vitals? This a farce indeed! It's a feller as sends round his 'at, +and appeals to charity. Let's 'ave our money back again, I say." +And he swaggers off;--and you find the fellow came with an author's +order. + +But if, in spite of Tibbs, our "kyind friends," &c. &c. &c.--if the +little farce, which was meant to amuse Christmas (or what my +classical friend calls Exodus), is asked for, even up to Twelfth +Night,--shall the publisher stop because Tibbs is dissatisfied? +Whenever that capitalist calls to get his money back, he may see +the letter from the respected publisher, informing the author that +all the copies are sold, and that there are demands for a new +edition. Up with the curtain, then! Vivat Regina! and no money +returned, except the Times "gratuity!" + +M. A. TITMARSH. + +January 5, 1851. + + + +THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE. + + +The cabman, when he brought us to the wharf, and made his usual +charge of six times his legal fare, before the settlement of which +he pretended to refuse the privilege of an exeat regno to our +luggage, glared like a disappointed fiend when Lankin, calling up +the faithful Hutchison, his clerk, who was in attendance, said to +him, "Hutchison, you will pay this man. My name is Serjeant +Lankin, my chambers are in Pump Court. My clerk will settle with +you, sir." The cabman trembled; we stepped on board; our lightsome +luggage was speedily whisked away by the crew; our berths had been +secured by the previous agency of Hutchison; and a couple of +tickets, on which were written, "Mr. Serjeant Lankin," "Mr. +Titmarsh," (Lankin's, by the way, incomparably the best and +comfortablest sleeping place,) were pinned on to two of the +curtains of the beds in a side cabin when we descended. + +Who was on board? There were Jews, with Sunday papers and fruit; +there were couriers and servants straggling about; there were those +bearded foreign visitors of England, who always seem to decline to +shave or wash themselves on the day of a voyage, and, on the eve of +quitting our country, appear inclined to carry away as much as +possible of its soil on their hands and linen: there were parties +already cozily established on deck under the awning; and steady- +going travellers for'ard, smoking already the pleasant morning +cigar, and watching the phenomena of departure. + +The bell rings: they leave off bawling, "Anybody else for the +shore?" The last grape and Bell's Life merchant has scuffled over +the plank: the Johns of the departing nobility and gentry line the +brink of the quay, and touch their hats: Hutchison touches his hat +to me--to ME, heaven bless him! I turn round inexpressibly +affected and delighted, and whom do I see but Captain Hicks! + +"Hallo! YOU here?" says Hicks, in a tone which seems to mean, +"Confound you, you are everywhere." + +Hicks is one of those young men who seem to be everywhere a great +deal too often. + +How are they always getting leave from their regiments? If they +are not wanted in this country, (as wanted they cannot be, for you +see them sprawling over the railing in Rotten Row all day, and +shaking their heels at every ball in town,)--if they are not wanted +in this country, I say, why the deuce are they not sent off to +India, or to Demerara, or to Sierra Leone, by Jove?--the farther +the better; and I should wish a good unwholesome climate to try +'em, and make 'em hardy. Here is this Hicks, then--Captain +Launcelot Hicks, if you please--whose life is nothing but +breakfast, smoking, riding-school, billiards, mess, polking, +billiards, and smoking again, and da capo--pulling down his +moustaches, and going to take a tour after the immense labors of +the season. + +"How do you do, Captain Hicks?" I say. "Where are you going?" + +"Oh, I am going to the Whine," says Hicks; "evewybody goes to the +Whine." The WHINE indeed! I dare say he can no more spell +properly than he can speak. + +"Who is on board--anybody?" I ask, with the air of a man of +fashion. "To whom does that immense pile of luggage belong--under +charge of the lady's-maid, the courier, and the British footman? A +large white K is painted on all the boxes." + +"How the deuce should I know?" says Hicks, looking, as I fancy, +both red and angry, and strutting off with his great cavalry lurch +and swagger: whilst my friend the Serjeant looks at him lost in +admiration, and surveys his shining little boots, his chains and +breloques, his whiskers and ambrosial moustaches, his gloves and +other dandifications, with a pleased wonder; as the ladies of the +Sultan's harem surveyed the great Lady from Park Lane who paid them +a visit; or the simple subjects of Montezuma looked at one of +Cortes's heavy dragoons. + +"That must be a marquis at least," whispers Lankin, who consults me +on points of society, and is pleased to have a great opinion of my +experience. + +I burst out in a scornful laugh. "THAT!" I say; "he is a captain +of dragoons, and his father an attorney in Bedford Row. The +whiskers of a roturier, my good Lankin, grow as long as the beard +of a Plantagenet. It don't require much noble blood to learn the +polka. If you were younger, Lankin, we might go for a shilling a +night, and dance every evening at M. Laurent's Casino, and skip +about in a little time as well as that fellow. Only we despise the +kind of thing you know,--only we're too grave, and too steady." + +"And too fat," whispers Lankin, with a laugh. + +"Speak for yourself, you maypole," says I. "If you can't dance +yourself, people can dance round you--put a wreath of flowers upon +your old poll, stick you up in a village green, and so make use of +you." + +"I should gladly be turned into anything so pleasant," Lankin +answers; "and so, at least, get a chance of seeing a pretty girl +now and then. They don't show in Pump Court, or at the University +Club, where I dine. You are a lucky fellow, Titmarsh, and go about +in the world. As for me, I never--" + +"And the judges' wives, you rogue?" I say. "Well, no man is +satisfied; and the only reason I have to be angry with the captain +yonder is, that, the other night, at Mrs. Perkins's, being in +conversation with a charming young creature--who knows all my +favorite passages in Tennyson, and takes a most delightful little +line of opposition in the Church controversy--just as we were in +the very closest, dearest, pleasantest part of the talk, comes up +young Hotspur yonder, and whisks her away in a polka. What have +you and I to do with polkas, Lankin? He took her down to supper-- +what have you and I to do with suppers?" + +"Our duty is to leave them alone," said the philosophical Serjeant. +"And now about breakfast--shall we have some?" And as he spoke, a +savory little procession of stewards and stewards' boys, with drab +tin dish-covers, passed from the caboose, and descended the stairs +to the cabin. The vessel had passed Greenwich by this time, and +had worked its way out of the mast-forest which guards the +approaches of our city. + + +The owners of those innumerable boxes, bags, oil-skins, guitar- +cases, whereon the letter K was engraven, appeared to be three +ladies, with a slim gentleman of two or three and thirty, who was +probably the husband of one of them. He had numberless shawls +under his arm and guardianship. He had a strap full of Murray's +Handbooks and Continental Guides in his keeping; and a little +collection of parasols and umbrellas, bound together, and to be +carried in state before the chief of the party, like the lictor's +fasces before the consul. + +The chief of the party was evidently the stout lady. One parasol +being left free, she waved it about, and commanded the luggage and +the menials to and fro. "Horace, we will sit there," she +exclaimed, pointing to a comfortable place on the deck. Horace +went and placed the shawls and the Guidebooks. "Hirsch, avy vou +conty les bagages? tront sett morso ong too?" The German courier +said, "Oui, miladi," and bowed a rather sulky assent. "Bowman, you +will see that Finch is comfortable, and send her to me." The +gigantic Bowman, a gentleman in an undress uniform, with very large +and splendid armorial buttons, and with traces of the powder of the +season still lingering in his hair, bows, and speeds upon my lady's +errand. + +I recognize Hirsch, a well-known face upon the European high-road, +where he has travelled with many acquaintances. With whom is he +making the tour now?--Mr. Hirsch is acting as courier to Mr. and +Mrs. Horace Milliken. They have not been married many months, and +they are travelling, Hirsch says, with a contraction of his bushy +eyebrows, with miladi, Mrs. Milliken's mamma. "And who is her +ladyship?" Hirsch's brow contracts into deeper furrows. "It is +Miladi Gigglebury," he says, "Mr. Didmarsh. Berhabs you know her." +He scowls round at her, as she calls out loudly, "Hirsch, Hirsch!" +and obeys that summons. + + +It is the great Lady Kicklebury of Pocklington Square, about whom I +remember Mrs. Perkins made so much ado at her last ball; and whom +old Perkins conducted to supper. When Sir Thomas Kicklebury died +(he was one of the first tenants of the Square), who does not +remember the scutcheon with the coronet with two balls, that flamed +over No. 36? Her son was at Eton then, and has subsequently taken +an honorary degree at Oxford, and been an ornament of Platt's and +the "Oswestry Club." He fled into St. James's from the great house +in Pocklington Square, and from St. James's to Italy and the +Mediterranean, where he has been for some time in a wholesome +exile. Her eldest daughter's marriage with Lord Roughhead was +talked about last year; but Lord Roughhead, it is known, married +Miss Brent; and Horace Milliken, very much to his surprise, found +himself the affianced husband of Miss Lavinia Kicklebury, after an +agitating evening at Lady Polkimore's, when Miss Lavinia, feeling +herself faint, went out on to the leads (the terrace, Lady +Polkimore WILL call it), on the arm of Mr. Milliken. They were +married in January: it's not a bad match for Miss K. Lady +Kicklebury goes and stops for six months of the year at Pigeoncot +with her daughter and son-in-law; and now that they are come +abroad, she comes too. She must be with Lavinia, under the present +circumstances. + +When I am arm-in-arm, I tell this story glibly off to Lankin, who +is astonished at my knowledge of the world, and says, "Why, +Titmarsh, you know everything." + +"I DO know a few things, Lankin my boy," is my answer. "A man +don't live in society, and PRETTY GOOD society, let me tell you, +for nothing." + +The fact is, that all the above details are known to almost any man +in our neighborhood. Lady Kicklebury does not meet with US much, +and has greater folks than we can pretend to be at her parties. +But we know about THEM. She'll condescend to come to Perkins's, +WITH WHOSE FIRM SHE BANKS; and she MAY overdraw HER ACCOUNT: but of +that, of course, I know nothing. + +When Lankin and I go down stairs to breakfast, we find, if not the +best, at least the most conspicuous places in occupation of Lady +Kicklebury's party, and the hulking London footman making a +darkness in the cabin, as he stoops through it bearing cups and +plates to his employers. + + +[Why do they always put mud into coffee on board steamers? Why +does the tea generally taste of boiled boots? Why is the milk +scarce and thin? And why do they have those bleeding legs of +boiled mutton for dinner? I ask why? In the steamers of other +nations you are well fed. Is it impossible that Britannia, who +confessedly rules the waves, should attend to the victuals a +little, and that meat should be well cooked under a Union Jack? I +just put in this question, this most interesting question, in a +momentous parenthesis, and resume the tale.] + + +When Lankin and I descend to the cabin, then, the tables are full +of gobbling people; and, though there DO seem to be a couple of +places near Lady Kicklebury, immediately she sees our eyes directed +to the inviting gap, she slides out, and with her ample robe covers +even more than that large space to which by art and nature she is +entitled, and calling out, "Horace, Horace!" and nodding, and +winking, and pointing, she causes her son-in-law to extend the wing +on his side. We are cut of THAT chance of a breakfast. We shall +have the tea at its third water, and those two damp black mutton- +chops, which nobody else will take, will fall to our cold share. + +At this minute a voice, clear and sweet, from a tall lady in a +black veil, says, "Mr. Titmarsh," and I start and murmur an +ejaculation of respectful surprise, as I recognize no less a person +than the Right Honorable the Countess of Knightsbridge, taking her +tea, breaking up little bits of toast with her slim fingers, and +sitting between a Belgian horse-dealer and a German violoncello- +player who has a conge after the opera--like any other mortal. + +I whisper her ladyship's name to Lankin. The Serjeant looks +towards her with curiosity and awe. Even he, in his Pump Court +solitudes, has heard of that star of fashion--that admired amongst +men, and even women--that Diana severe yet simple, the accomplished +Aurelia of Knightsbridge. Her husband has but a small share of HER +qualities. How should he? The turf and the fox-chase are his +delights--the smoking-room at the "Travellers'"--nay, shall we say +it?--the illuminated arcades of "Vauxhall," and the gambols of the +dishevelled Terpsichore. Knightsbridge has his faults--ah! even +the peerage of England is not exempt from them. With Diana for his +wife, he flies the halls where she sits severe and serene, and is +to be found (shrouded in smoke, 'tis true,) in those caves where +the contrite chimney-sweep sings his terrible death chant, or the +Bacchanalian judge administers a satiric law. Lord Knightsbridge +has his faults, then; but he has the gout at Rougetnoirbourg, near +the Rhine, and thither his wife is hastening to minister to him. + +"I have done," says Lady Knightsbridge, with a gentle bow, as she +rises; "you may have this place, Mr. Titmarsh; and I am sorry my +breakfast is over: I should have prolonged it had I thought that +YOU were coming to sit by me. Thank you--my glove." (Such an +absurd little glove, by the way). "We shall meet on the deck when +you have done." + +And she moves away with an august curtsy. I can't tell how it is, +or what it is, in that lady; but she says, "How do you do?" as +nobody else knows how to say it. In all her actions, motions, +thoughts, I would wager there is the same calm grace and harmony. +She is not very handsome, being very thin, and rather sad-looking. +She is not very witty, being only up to the conversation, whatever +it may be; and yet, if she were in black serge, I think one could +not help seeing that she was a Princess, and Serene Highness; and +if she were a hundred years old, she could not be but beautiful. I +saw her performing her devotions in Antwerp Cathedral, and forgot +to look at anything else there;--so calm and pure, such a sainted +figure hers seemed. + +When this great lady did the present writer the honor to shake his +hand (I had the honor to teach writing and the rudiments of Latin +to the young and intelligent Lord Viscount Pimlico), there seemed +to be a commotion in the Kicklebury party--heads were nodded +together, and turned towards Lady Knightsbridge: in whose honor, +when Lady Kicklebury had sufficiently reconnoitred her with her +eye-glass, the baronet's lady rose and swept a reverential curtsy, +backing until she fell up against the cushions at the stern of the +boat. Lady Knightsbridge did not see this salute, for she did not +acknowledge it, but walked away slimly (she seems to glide in and +out of the room), and disappeared up the stair to the deck. + +Lankin and I took our places, the horse-dealer making room for us; +and I could not help looking, with a little air of triumph, over to +the Kicklebury faction, as much as to say, "You fine folks, with +your large footman and supercilious airs, see what WE can do." + +As I looked--smiling, and nodding, and laughing at me, in a knowing, +pretty way, and then leaning to mamma as if in explanation, what +face should I see but that of the young lady at Mrs. Perkins's, with +whom I had had that pleasant conversation which had been interrupted +by the demand of Captain Hicks for a dance? So, then, that was Miss +Kicklebury, about whom Miss Perkins, my young friend, has so often +spoken to me: the young ladies were in conversation when I had the +happiness of joining them; and Miss P. went away presently, to look +to her guests)--that is Miss Fanny Kicklebury. + +A sudden pang shot athwart my bosom--Lankin might have perceived +it, but the honest Serjeant was so awe-stricken by his late +interview with the Countess of Knightsbridge, that his mind was +unfit to grapple with other subjects--a pang of feeling (which I +concealed under the grin and graceful bow wherewith Miss Fanny's +salutations were acknowledged) tore my heart-strings--as I thought +of--I need not say--of HICKS. + +He had danced with her, he had supped with her--he was here, on +board the boat. Where was that dragoon? I looked round for him. +In quite a far corner,--but so that he could command the Kicklebury +party, I thought,--he was eating his breakfast, the great healthy +oaf, and consuming one broiled egg after another. + +In the course of the afternoon, all parties, as it may be supposed, +emerged upon deck again, and Miss Fanny and her mamma began walking +the quarter-deck with a quick pace, like a couple of post-captains. +When Miss Fanny saw me, she stopped and smiled, and recognized the +gentleman who had amused her so at Mrs. Perkins's. What a dear +sweet creature Eliza Perkins was! They had been at school +together. She was going to write to Eliza everything that happened +on the voyage. + +"EVERYTHING?" I said, in my particularly sarcastic manner. + +"Well, everything that was worth telling. There was a great number +of things that were very stupid, and of people that were very +stupid. Everything that YOU say, Mr. Titmarsh, I am sure I may put +down. You have seen Mr. Titmarsh's funny books, mamma?" + +Mamma said she had heard--she had no doubt they were very amusing. +"Was not that--ahem--Lady Knightsbridge, to whom I saw you +speaking, sir?" + +"Yes; she is going to nurse Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout at +Rougetnoirbourg." + +"Indeed! how very fortunate! what an extraordinary coincidence! We +are going too," said Lady Kicklebury. + +I remarked "that everybody was going to Rougetnoirbourg this year; +and I heard of two gentlemen--Count Carambole and Colonel Cannon-- +who had been obliged to sleep there on a billiard-table for want of +a bed." + +"My son Kicklebury--are you acquainted with Sir Thomas Kicklebury?" +her ladyship said, with great stateliness--"is at Noirbourg, and +will take lodgings for us. The springs are particularly +recommended for my daughter, Mrs. Milliken and, at great personal +sacrifice, I am going thither myself:, but what will not a mother +do, Mr. Titmarsh? Did I understand you to say that you have the-- +the entree at Knightsbridge House? The parties are not what they +used to be, I am told. Not that I have any knowledge. I am but a +poor country baronet's widow, Mr. Titmarsh; though the Kickleburys +date from Henry III., and MY family is not of the most modern in +the country. You have heard of General Guff, my father, perhaps? +aide-de-camp to the Duke of York, and wounded by his Royal +Highness's side at the bombardment of Valenciennes. WE move IN OUR +OWN SPHERE." + +"Mrs. Perkins is a very kind creature," I said, "and it was a very +pleasant ball. Did you not think so, Miss Kicklebury?" + +"I thought it odious," said Miss Fanny. "I mean, it WAS pleasant +until that--that stupid man--what was his name?--came and took me +away to dance with him." + +"What! don't you care for a red coat and moustaches?" I asked. + +"I adore genius, Mr. Titmarsh," said the young lady, with a most +killing look of her beautiful blue eyes, "and I have every one of +your works by heart--all, except the last, which I can't endure. I +think it's wicked, positively wicked--My darling Scott--how can +you? And are you going to make a Christmas-book this year?" + +"Shall I tell you about it?" + +"Oh, do tell us about it," said the lively, charming creature, +clapping her hands: and we began to talk, being near Lavinia (Mrs. +Milliken) and her husband, who was ceaselessly occupied in fetching +and carrying books, biscuits, pillows and cloaks, scent-bottles, +the Italian greyhound, and the thousand and one necessities of the +pale and interesting bride. Oh, how she did fidget! how she did +grumble! how she altered and twisted her position! and how she did +make poor Milliken trot! + +After Miss Fanny and I had talked, and I had told her my plan, +which she pronounced to be delightful, she continued:--"I never was +so provoked in my life, Mr. Titmarsh, as when that odious man came +and interrupted that dear delightful conversation." + +"On your word? The odious man is on board the boat: I see him +smoking just by the funnel yonder, look! and looking at us." + +"He is very stupid," said Fanny; "and all that I adore is intellect, +dear Mr. Titmarsh." + +"But why is he on board?" said I, with a fin sourire. + +"Why is he on board? Why is everybody on board? How do we meet? +(and oh, how glad I am to meet you again!) You don't suppose that +I know how the horrid man came here?" + +"Eh! he may be fascinated by a pair of blue eyes, Miss Fanny! +Others have been so," I said. + +"Don't be cruel to a poor girl, you wicked, satirical creature," +she said. "I think Captain Hicks odious--there! and I was quite +angry when I saw him on the boat. Mamma does not know him, and she +was so angry with me for dancing with him that night: though there +was nobody of any particular mark at poor dear Mrs. Perkins's--that +is, except YOU, Mr. Titmarsh." + +"And I am not a dancing man," I said, with a sigh. + +"I hate dancing men; they can do nothing but dance." + +"O yes, they can. Some of them can smoke, and some can ride, and +some of them can even spell very well." + +"You wicked, satirical person. I'm quite afraid of you!" + +"And some of them call the Rhine the 'Whine,'" I said, giving an +admirable imitation of poor Hicks's drawling manner. + +Fanny looked hard at me, with a peculiar expression on her face. +At last she laughed. "Oh, you wicked, wicked man," she said, "what +a capital mimic you are, and so full of cleverness! Do bring up +Captain Hicks--isn't that his name?--and trot him out for us. +Bring him up, and introduce him to mamma: do now, go!" + +Mamma, in the meanwhile, had waited her time, and was just going to +step down the cabin stairs as Lady Knightsbridge ascended from +them. To draw back, to make a most profound curtsy, to exclaim, +"Lady Knightsbridge! I have had the honor of seeing your ladyship +at--hum--hum--hum" (this word I could not catch)--"House,"--all +these feats were performed by Lady Kicklebury in one instant, and +acknowledged with the usual calmness by the younger lady. + +"And may I hope," continues Lady Kicklebury, "that that most +beautiful of all children--a mother may say so--that Lord Pimlico +has recovered his hooping-cough? We were so anxious about him. +Our medical attendant is Mr. Topham, and he used to come from +Knightsbridge House to Pocklington Square, often and often. I am +interested about the hooping-cough. My own dear boy had it most +severely; that dear girl, my eldest daughter, whom you see +stretched on the bench--she is in a very delicate state, and only +lately married--not such a match as I could have wished: but Mr. +Milliken is of a good family, distantly related to your ladyship's. +A Milliken, in George the Third's reign, married a Boltimore, and +the Boltimores, I think, are your first-cousins. They married this +year, and Lavinia is so fond of me, that she can't part with me, +and I have come abroad just to please her. We are going to +Noirbourg. I think I heard from my son that Lord Knightsbridge was +at Noirbourg." + +"I believe I have had the pleasure of seeing Sir Thomas Kicklebury +at Knightsbridge House," Lady Knightsbridge said, with something of +sadness. + +"Indeed!" and Kicklebury had never told her! He laughed at her +when she talked about great people: he told her all sorts of +ridiculous stories when upon this theme. But, at any rate, the +acquaintance was made: Lady Kicklebury would not leave Lady +Knightsbridge; and, even in the throes of sea-sickness, and the +secret recesses of the cabin, WOULD talk to her about the world, +Lord Pimlico, and her father, General Guff, late aide-de-camp to +the Duke of York. + +That those throes of sickness ensued, I need not say. A short time +after passing Ramsgate, Serjeant Lankin, who had been exceedingly +gay and satirical--(in his calm way; he quotes Horace, my favorite +bits as an author, to myself, and has a quiet snigger, and, so to +speak, amontillado flavor, exceedingly pleasant)--Lankin, with a +rueful and livid countenance, descended into his berth, in the +which that six foot of serjeant packed himself I don't know how. + +When Lady Knightsbridge went down, down went Kicklebury. Milliken +and his wife stayed, and were ill together on deck. A palm of +glory ought to be awarded to that man for his angelic patience, +energy, and suffering. It was he who went for Mrs. Milliken's +maid, who wouldn't come to her mistress; it was he, the shyest of +men, who stormed the ladies' cabin--that maritime harem--in order +to get her mother's bottle of salts; it was he who went for the +brandy-and-water, and begged, and prayed, and besought his adored +Lavinia to taste a leetle drop. Lavinia's reply was, "Don't--go +away--don't tease, Horace," and so forth. And, when not wanted, +the gentle creature subsided on the bench, by his wife's feet, and +was sick in silence. + +[Mem--In married life, it seems to me, that it is almost always +Milliken and wife, or just the contrary. The angels minister to +the tyrants; or the gentle, hen-pecked husband cowers before the +superior partlet. if ever I marry, I know the sort of woman I will +choose; and I won't try her temper by over-indulgence, and destroy +her fine qualities by a ruinous subserviency to her wishes.] + +Little Miss Fanny stayed on deck, as well as her sister, and looked +at the stars of heaven, as they began to shine there, and at the +Foreland lights as we passed them. I would have talked with her; I +would have suggested images of poesy, and thoughts of beauty; I +would have whispered the word of sentiment--the delicate allusion-- +the breathing of the soul that longs to find a congenial heart--the +sorrows and aspirations of the wounded spirit, stricken and sad, +yet not QUITE despairing; still knowing that the hope-plant lurked +in its crushed ruins--still able to gaze on the stars and the +ocean, and love their blazing sheen, their boundless azure. I +would, I say, have taken the opportunity of that stilly night to +lay bare to her the treasures of a heart that, I am happy to say, +is young still; but circumstances forbade the frank outpouring of +my poet soul: in a word, I was obliged to go and lie down on the +flat of my back, and endeavor to control OTHER emotions which +struggled in my breast. + +Once, in the night-watches, I arose, and came on deck; the vessel +was not, methought, pitching much; and yet--and yet Neptune was +inexorable. The placid stars looked down, but they gave me no +peace. Lavinia Milliken seemed asleep, and her Horace, in a death- +like torpor, was huddled at her feet. Miss Fanny had quitted the +larboard side of the ship, and had gone to starboard; and I thought +that there was a gentleman beside her; but I could not see very +clearly, and returned to the horrid crib, where Lankin was asleep, +and the German fiddler underneath him was snoring like his own +violoncello. + +In the morning we were all as brisk as bees. We were in the smooth +waters of the lazy Scheldt. The stewards began preparing breakfast +with that matutinal eagerness which they always show. The sleepers +in the cabin were roused from their horse-hair couches by the +stewards' boys nudging, and pushing, and flapping table-cloths over +them. I shaved and made a neat toilette, and came upon deck just +as we lay off that little Dutch fort, which is, I dare say, +described in "Murray's Guide-book," and about which I had some rare +banter with poor Hicks and Lady Kicklebury, whose sense of humor is +certainly not very keen. He had, somehow, joined her ladyship's +party, and they were looking at the fort, and its tri-colored flag-- +that floats familiar in Vandevelde's pictures--and at the lazy +shipping, and the tall roofs, and dumpy church towers, and flat +pastures, lying before us in a Cuyplike haze. + +I am sorry to say, I told them the most awful fibs about that fort. +How it had been defended by the Dutch patriot, Van Swammerdam, +against the united forces of the Duke of Alva and Marshal Turenne, +whose leg was shot off as he was leading the last unsuccessful +assault, and who turned round to his aide-de-camp and said, "Allez +dire an Premier Consul, que je meurs avec regret de ne pas avoir +assez fait pour la France!" which gave Lady Kicklebury an +opportunity to placer her story of the Duke of York, and the +bombardment of Valenciennes; and caused young Hicks to look at me +in a puzzled and appealing manner and hint that I was "chaffing." + +"Chaffing indeed!" says I, with a particularly arch eye-twinkle at +Miss Fanny. "I wouldn't make fun of you, Captain Hicks! If you +doubt my historical accuracy, look at the 'Biographie Universelle.' +I say--look at the 'Biographie Universelle.'" + +He said, "O--ah--the 'Biogwaphie Universelle' may be all vewy well, +and that; but I never can make out whether you are joking or not, +somehow; and I always fancy you are going to CAWICKACHAW me. Ha, +ha!" And he laughed, the good-natured dragoon laughed, and fancied +he had made a joke. + +I entreated him not to be so severe upon me; and again he said, +"Haw haw!" and told me, "I mustn't expect to have it all MY OWN +WAY, and if I gave a hit, I must expect a Punch in return. Haw +haw!" Oh, you honest young Hicks! + +Everybody, indeed, was in high spirits. The fog cleared off, the +sun shone, the ladies chatted and laughed, even Mrs. Milliken was +in good humor ("My wife is all intellect," Milliken says, looking +at her with admiration), and talked with us freely and gayly. She +was kind enough to say that it was a great pleasure to meet with a +literary and well-informed person--that one often lived with people +that did not comprehend one. She asked if my companion, that tall +gentleman--Mr. Serjeant Lankin, was he?--was literary. And when I +said that Lankin knew more Greek, and more Latin, and more law, and +more history, and more everything, than all the passengers put +together, she vouchsafed to look at him with interest, and enter +into a conversation with my modest friend the Serjeant. Then it +was that her adoring husband said "his Lavinia was all intellect;"-- +Lady Kicklebury saying that SHE was not a literary woman: that in +HER day few acquirements were requisite for the British female; but +that she knew THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE, and her DUTY AS A MOTHER, and +that "Lavinia and Fanny had had the best masters and the best +education which money and constant maternal solicitude could +impart." If our matrons are virtuous, as they are, and it is +Britain's boast, permit me to say that they certainly know it. + +The conversation growing powerfully intellectual under Mrs. +Milliken, poor Hicks naturally became uneasy, and put an end to +literature by admiring the ladies' head-dresses. "Cab-heads, +hoods, what do you call 'em?" he asked of Miss Kicklebury. Indeed, +she and her sister wore a couple of those blue silk over-bonnets, +which have lately become the fashion, and which I never should have +mentioned but for the young lady's reply. + +"Those hoods!" she said--"WE CALL THOSE HOODS UGLIES! Captain +Hicks." + +Oh, how pretty she looked as she said it! The blue eyes looked up +under the blue hood, so archly and gayly; ever so many dimples +began playing about her face; her little voice rang so fresh and +sweet, that a heart which has never loved a tree or flower but the +vegetable in question was sure to perish--a heart worn down and +sickened by repeated disappointment, mockery, faithlessness--a +heart whereof despair is an accustomed tenant, and in whose +desolate and lonely depths dwells an abiding gloom, began to throb +once more--began to beckon Hope from the window--began to admit +sunshine--began to--O Folly, Folly! O Fanny! O Miss K., how +lovely you looked as you said, "We call those hoods Uglies!" +Ugly indeed! + + +This is a chronicle of feelings and characters, not of events and +places, so much. All this time our vessel was making rapid way up +the river, and we saw before us the slim towers of the noble +cathedral of Antwerp soaring in the rosy sunshine. Lankin and I +had agreed to go to the "Grand Laboureur," or the Place de Meir. +They give you a particular kind of jam-tarts there--called Nun's +tarts, I think--that I remember, these twenty years, as the very +best tarts--as good as the tarts which we ate when we were boys. +The "Laboureur" is a dear old quiet comfortable hotel; and there is +no man in England who likes a good dinner better than Lankin. + +"What hotel do you go to?" I asked of Lady Kicklebury. + +"We go to the 'Saint Antoine' of course. Everybody goes to the +'Saint Antoine,'" her ladyship said. "We propose to rest here; to +do the Rubens's; and to proceed to Cologne to-morrow. Horace, call +Finch and Bowman; and your courier, if he will have the +condescension to wait upon ME, will perhaps look to the baggage." + +"I think, Lankin," said I, "as everybody seems going to the 'Saint +Antoine,' we may as well go, and not spoil the party." + +"I think I'll go too," says Hicks; as if HE belonged to the party. + +And oh, it was a great sight when we landed, and at every place at +which we paused afterwards, to see Hirsch over the Kicklebury +baggage, and hear his polyglot maledictions at the porters! If a +man sometimes feels sad and lonely at his bachelor condition, if +SOME feelings of envy pervade his heart, at seeing beauty on +another's arm, and kind eyes directed towards a happier mug than +his own--at least there are some consolations in travelling, when a +fellow has but one little portmanteau or bag which he can easily +shoulder, and thinks of the innumerable bags and trunks which the +married man and the father drags after him. The married Briton on +a tour is but a luggage overseer: his luggage is his morning +thought, and his nightly terror. When he floats along the Rhine he +has one eye on a ruin, and the other on his luggage. When he is in +the railroad he is always thinking, or ordered by his wife to +think, "is the luggage safe?" It clings round him. It never +leaves him (except when it DOES leave him, as a trunk or two will, +and make him doubly miserable). His carpet-bags lie on his chest +at night, and his wife's forgotten bandbox haunts his turbid +dreams. + +I think it was after she found that Lady Kicklebury proposed to go +to the "Grand Saint Antoine" that Lady Knightsbridge put herself +with her maid into a carriage and went to the other inn. We saw +her at the cathedral, where she kept aloof from our party. +Milliken went up the tower, and so did Miss Fanny. I am too old a +traveller to mount up those immeasurable stairs, for the purpose of +making myself dizzy by gazing upon a vast map of low countries +stretched beneath me, and waited with Mrs. Milliken and her mother +below. + +When the tower-climbers descended, we asked Miss Fanny and her +brother what they had seen. + +"We saw Captain Hicks up there," remarked Milliken. "And I am very +glad you didn't come, Lavinia my love. The excitement would have +been too much for you, quite too much." + +All this while Lady Kicklebury was looking at Fanny, and Fanny was +holding her eyes down; and I knew that between her and this poor +Hicks there could be nothing serious, for she had laughed at him +and mimicked him to me half a dozen times in the course of the day. + +We "do the Rubens's," as Lady Kicklebury says; we trudge from +cathedral to picture-gallery, from church to church. We see the +calm old city, with its towers and gables, the bourse, and the vast +town-hall; and I have the honor to give Lady Kicklebury my arm +during these peregrinations, and to hear a hundred particulars +regarding her ladyship's life and family. How Milliken has been +recently building at Pigeoncot; how he will have two thousand a +year more when his uncle dies; how she had peremptorily to put a +stop to the assiduities of that unprincipled young man, Lord +Roughhead, whom Lavinia always detested, and who married Miss Brent +out of sheer pique. It was a great escape for her darling Lavinia. +Roughhead is a most wild and dissipated young man, one of +Kicklebury's Christchurch friends, of whom her son has too many, +alas! and she enters into many particulars respecting the conduct +of Kicklebury--the unhappy boy's smoking, his love of billiards, +his fondness for the turf: she fears he has already injured his +income, she fears he is even now playing at Noirbourg; she is going +thither to wean him, if possible, from his companions and his +gayeties--what may not a mother effect? She only wrote to him the +day before they left London to announce that she was marching on +him with her family. He is in many respects like his poor father-- +the same openness and frankness, the same easy disposition: alas! +the same love of pleasure. But she had reformed the father, and +will do her utmost to call back her dear misguided boy. She had an +advantageous match for him in view--a lady not beautiful in person, +it is true, but possessed of every good principle, and a very, very +handsome fortune. It was under pretence of flying from this lady +that Kicklebury left town. But she knew better. + +I say young men will be young men, and sow their wild oats; and +think to myself that the invasion of his mamma will be perhaps more +surprising than pleasant to young Sir Thomas Kicklebury, and that +she possibly talks about herself and her family, and her virtues +and her daughters, a little too much: but she WILL make a confidant +of me, and all the time we are doing the Rubens's she is talking of +the pictures at Kicklebury, of her portrait by Lawrence, pronounced +to be his finest work, of Lavinia's talent for drawing, and the +expense of Fanny's music-masters; of her house in town (where she +hopes to see me); of her parties which were stopped by the illness +of her butler. She talks Kicklebury until I am sick. And oh, Miss +Fanny, all of this I endure, like an old fool, for an occasional +sight of your bright eyes and rosy face! + + +[Another parenthesis.--"We hope to see you in town, Mr. Titmarsh." +Foolish mockery! If all the people whom one has met abroad, and +who have said, "We hope to meet you often in town," had but made +any the slightest efforts to realize their hopes by sending a +simple line of invitation through the penny post, what an enormous +dinner acquaintance one would have had! But I mistrust people who +say, "We hope to see you in town."] + + +Lankin comes in at the end of the day, just before dinnertime. He +has paced the whole town by himself--church, tower, and +fortifications, and Rubens, and all. He is full of Egmont and +Alva. He is up to all the history of the siege, when Chassee +defended, and the French attacked the place. After dinner we +stroll along the quays; and over the quiet cigar in the hotel +court, Monsieur Lankin discourses about the Rubens pictures, in a +way which shows that the learned Serjeant has an eye for pictorial +beauty as well as other beauties in this world, and can rightly +admire the vast energy, the prodigal genius, the royal splendor of +the King of Antwerp. In the most modest way in the world he has +remarked a student making clever sketches at the Museum, and has +ordered a couple of copies from him of the famous Vandyke and the +wondrous adoration of the Magi, "a greater picture," says he, "than +even the cathedral picture; in which opinion those may agree who +like." He says he thinks Miss Kicklebury is a pretty little thing; +that all my swans are geese; and that as for that old woman, with +her airs and graces, she is the most intolerable old nuisance in +the world. There is much good judgment, but there is too much +sardonic humor about Lankin. He cannot appreciate women properly. +He is spoiled by being an old bachelor, and living in that dingy +old Pump Court; where, by the way, he has a cellar fit for a +Pontiff. We go to rest; they have given us humble lodgings high up +in the building, which we accept like philosophers who travel with +but a portmanteau apiece. The Kickleburys have the grand suite, as +becomes their dignity. Which, which of those twinkling lights +illumines the chamber of Miss Fanny? + +Hicks is sitting in the court too, smoking his cigar. He and +Lankin met in the fortifications. Lankin says he is a sensible +fellow, and seems to know his profession. "Every man can talk well +about something," the Serjeant says. "And one man can about +everything," says I; at which Lankin blushes; and we take our +flaring tallow candles and go to bed. He has us up an hour before +the starting time, and we have that period to admire Herr +Oberkellner, who swaggers as becomes the Oberkellner of a house +frequented by ambassadors; who contradicts us to our faces, and +whose own countenance is ornamented with yesterday's beard, of +which, or of any part of his clothing, the graceful youth does not +appear to have divested himself since last we left him. We +recognize, somewhat dingy and faded, the elaborate shirt-front +which appeared at yesterday's banquet. Farewell, Herr Oberkellner! +May we never see your handsome countenance, washed or unwashed, +shaven or unshorn, again! + +"Here come the ladies: "Good morning, Miss Fanny." I hope you +slept well, Lady Kicklebury?" "A tremendous bill?" "No wonder; +how can you expect otherwise, when you have such a bad dinner?" +Hearken to Hirsch's comminations over the luggage! Look at the +honest Belgian soldiers, and that fat Freyschutz on guard, his +rifle in one hand, and the other hand in his pocket. Captain Hicks +bursts into a laugh at the sight of the fat Freyschutz, and says, +"By Jove, Titmarsh, you must cawickachaw him." And we take our +seats at length and at leisure, and the railway trumpets blow, and +(save for a brief halt) we never stop till night, trumpeting by +green flats and pastures, by broad canals and old towns, through +Liege and Verviers, through Aix and Cologne, till we are landed at +Bonn at nightfall. + +We all have supper, or tea--we have become pretty intimate--we look +at the strangers' book, as a matter of course, in the great room of +the "Star Hotel." Why, everybody is on the Rhine! Here are the +names of half one's acquaintance. + +"I see Lord and Lady Exborough are gone on," says Lady Kicklebury, +whose eye fastens naturally on her kindred aristocracy. "Lord and +Lady Wyebridge and suite, Lady Zedland and her family." + +"Hallo! here's Cutler of the Onety-oneth, and MacMull of the +Greens, en route to Noirbourg," says Hicks, confidentially. "Know +MacMull? Devilish good fellow--such a fellow to smoke." + +Lankin, too, reads and grins. "Why, are they going the Rhenish +circuit?" he says, and reads: + +Sir Thomas Minos, Lady Minos, nebst Begleitung, aus England. + +Sir John AEacus, mit Familie und Dienerschaft, aus England. + +Sir Roger Raadamanthus. + +Thomas Smith, Serjeant. + +Serjeant Brown and Mrs. Brown, aus England. + +Serjeant Tomkins, Anglais. Madame Tomkins, Mesdemoiselles Tomkins. + +Monsieur Kewsy, Conseiller de S. M. la Reine d'Angleterre. Mrs. +Kewsy, three Miss Kewsys. + +And to this list Lankin, laughing, had put down his own name, and +that of the reader's obedient servant, under the august autograph +of Lady Kicklebury, who signed for herself, her son-in-law, and her +suite. + +Yes, we all flock the one after the other, we faithful English +folks. We can buy Harvey Sauce, and Cayenne Pepper, and Morison's +Pills, in every city in the world. We carry our nation everywhere +with us; and are in our island, wherever we go. Toto divisos orbe-- +always separated from the people in the midst of whom we are. + + +When we came to the steamer next morning, "the castled crag of +Drachenfels" rose up in the sunrise before, and looked as pink as +the cheeks of Master Jacky, when they have been just washed in the +morning. How that rosy light, too, did become Miss Fanny's pretty +dimples, to be sure! How good a cigar is at the early dawn! I +maintain that it has a flavor which it does not possess at later +hours, and that it partakes of the freshness of all Nature. And +wine, too: wine is never so good as at breakfast; only one can't +drink it, for tipsiness's sake. + +See! there is a young fellow drinking soda-water and brandy +already. He puts down his glass with a gasp of satisfaction. It +is evident that he had need of that fortifier and refresher. He +puts down the beaker and says, "How are you, Titmarsh? I was SO +cut last night. My eyes, wasn't I! Not in the least: that's all." + +It is the youthful descendant and heir of an ancient line: the +noble Earl of Grimsby's son, Viscount Talboys. He is travelling +with the Rev. Baring Leader, his tutor; who, having a great natural +turn and liking towards the aristocracy, and having inspected Lady +Kicklebury's cards on her trunks, has introduced himself to her +ladyship already, and has inquired after Sir Thomas Kicklebury, +whom he remembers perfectly, and whom he had often the happiness of +meeting when Sir Thomas was an undergraduate at Oxford. There are +few characters more amiable, and delightful to watch and +contemplate, than some of those middle-aged Oxford bucks who hang +about the university and live with the young tufts. Leader can +talk racing and boating with the fastest young Christchurch +gentleman. Leader occasionally rides to cover with Lord Talboys; +is a good shot, and seldom walks out without a setter or a spaniel +at his heels. Leader knows the "Peerage" and the "Racing Calendar" +as well as the Oxford cram-books. Leader comes up to town and +dines with Lord Grimsby. Leader goes to Court every two years. He +is the greatest swell in his common-room. He drinks claret, and +can't stand port-wine any longer; and the old fellows of his +college admire him, and pet him, and get all their knowledge of the +world and the aristocracy from him. I admire those kind old dons +when they appear affable and jaunty, men of the world, members of +the "Camford and Oxbridge Club," upon the London pavement. I like +to see them over the Morning Post in the common-room; with a "Ha, I +see Lady Rackstraw has another daughter." "Poppleton there has +been at another party at X---- House, and YOU weren't asked, my +boy."--"Lord Coverdale has got a large party staying at Coverdale. +Did you know him at Christchurch? He was a very handsome man +before he broke his nose fighting the bargeman at Iffly: a light +weight, but a beautiful sparrer," &c. Let me add that Leader, +although he does love a tuft, has a kind heart: as his mother and +sisters in Yorkshire know; as all the village knows too--which is +proud of his position in the great world, and welcomes him very +kindly when he comes down and takes the duty at Christmas, and +preaches to them one or two of "the very sermons which Lord Grimsby +was good enough to like, when I delivered them at Talboys." + +"You are not acquainted with Lord Talboys?" Leader asks, with a +degage air. "I shall have much pleasure in introducing you to him. +Talboys, let me introduce you to Lady Kicklebury. Sir Thomas +Kicklebury was not at Christchurch in your time; but you have heard +of him, I dare say. Your son has left a reputation at Oxford." + +"I should think I have, too. He walked a hundred miles in a +hundred hours. They said he bet that he'd drink a hundred pints of +beer in a hundred hours: but I don't think he could do it--not +strong beer; don't think any man could. The beer here isn't worth +a--" + +"My dear Talboys," says Leader, with a winning smile, "I suppose +Lady Kicklebury is not a judge of beer--and what an unromantic +subject of conversation here, under the castled crag immortalized +by Byron." + +"What the deuce does it mean about peasant-girls with dark blue +eyes, and hands that offer corn and wine?" asks Talboys. "I'VE +never seen any peasant-girls, except the--ugliest set of women I +ever looked at." + +"The poet's license. I see, Miliken, you are making a charming +sketch. You used to draw when you were at Brasenose, Milliken; and +play--yes, you played the violoncello." + +Mr. Milliken still possessed these accomplishments. He was taken +up that very evening by a soldier at Coblentz, for making a sketch +of Ehrenbreitstein. Mrs. Milliken sketches immensely too, and +writes poetry: such dreary pictures, such dreary poems! but +professional people are proverbially jealous; and I doubt whether +our fellow-passenger, the German, would even allow that Milliken +could play the violoncello. + +Lady Kicklebury gives Miss Fanny a nudge when Lord Talboys appears, +and orders her to exert all her fascinations. How the old lady +coaxes, and she wheedles! She pours out the Talboys' pedigree upon +him; and asks after his aunt, and his mother's family. Is he going +to Noirbourg? How delightful! There is nothing like British +spirits; and to see an English matron well set upon a young man of +large fortune and high rank, is a great and curious sight. + +And yet, somehow, the British doggedness does not always answer. +"Do you know that old woman in the drab jacket, Titmarsh?" my +hereditary legislator asks of me. "What the devil is she bothering +ME for, about my aunts, and setting her daughter at me? I ain't +such a fool as that. I ain't clever, Titmarsh; I never said I was. +I never pretend to be clever, and that--but why does that old fool +bother ME, hay? Heigho! I'm devilish thirsty. I was devilish cut +last night. I think I must have another go-off. Hallo you! +Kellner! Garsong! Ody soda, Oter petty vare do dyvee de Conac. +That's your sort; isn't it, Leader?" + +"You will speak French well enough, if you practise," says Leader +with a tender voice; "practice is everything. Shall we dine at the +table-d'hote? Waiter! put down the name of Viscount Talboys and +Mr. Leader, if you please." + +The boat is full of all sorts and conditions of men. For'ard, +there are peasants and soldiers: stumpy, placid-looking little +warriors for the most part, smoking feeble cigars and looking quite +harmless under their enormous helmets. A poor stunted dull-looking +boy of sixteen, staggering before a black-striped sentry-box, with +an enormous musket on his shoulder, does not seem to me a martial +or awe-inspiring object. Has it not been said that we carry our +prejudices everywhere, and only admire what we are accustomed to +admire in our own country? + +Yonder walks a handsome young soldier who has just been marrying a +wife. How happy they seem! and how pleased that everybody should +remark their happiness. It is a fact that in the full sunshine, +and before a couple of hundred people on board the Joseph Miller +steamer, the soldier absolutely kissed Mrs. Soldier; at which the +sweet Fanny Kicklebury was made to blush. + +We were standing together looking at the various groups: the pretty +peasant-woman (really pretty for once,) with the red head-dress and +fluttering ribbons, and the child in her arms; the jolly fat old +gentleman, who was drinking Rhine-wine before noon, and turning his +back upon all the castles, towers, and ruins, which reflected their +crumbling peaks in the water; upon the handsome young students who +came with us from Bonn, with their national colors in their caps, +with their picturesque looks, their yellow ringlets, their budding +moustaches, and with cuts upon almost every one of their noses, +obtained in duels at the university: most picturesque are these +young fellows, indeed--but ah, why need they have such black hands? + +Near us is a type, too: a man who adorns his own tale, and points +his own moral. "Yonder, in his carriage, sits the Count de +Reineck, who won't travel without that dismal old chariot, though +it is shabby, costly, and clumsy, and though the wicked red +republicans come and smoke under his very nose. Yes, Miss Fanny, +it is the lusty young Germany, pulling the nose of the worn-out old +world." + +"Law, what DO you mean, Mr. Titmarsh?" cries the dear Fanny. + +"And here comes Mademoiselle de Reineck, with her companion. You +see she is wearing out one of the faded silk gowns which she has +spoiled at the Residenz during the season: for the Reinecks are +economical, though they are proud; and forced, like many other +insolvent grandees, to do and to wear shabby things. + +"It is very kind of the young countess to call her companion +'Louise,' and to let Louise call her 'Laure;' but if faces may be +trusted,--and we can read in one countenance conceit and tyranny; +deceit and slyness in another,--dear Louise has to suffer some hard +raps from dear Laure: and, to judge from her dress, I don't think +poor Louise has her salary paid very regularly. + +"What a comfort it is to live in a country where there is neither +insolence nor bankruptcy among the great folks, nor cringing, nor +flattery among the small. Isn't it, Miss Fanny?" + +Miss Fanny says, that she can't understand whether I am joking or +serious; and her mamma calls her away to look at the ruins of +Wigginstein. Everybody looks at Wigginstein. You are told in +Murray to look at Wigginstein. + + +Lankin, who has been standing by, with a grin every now and then +upon his sardonic countenance, comes up and says, "Titmarsh, how +can you be so impertinent?" + +"Impertinent! as how?" + +"The girl must understand what you mean; and you shouldn't laugh at +her own mother to her. Did you ever see anything like the way in +which that horrible woman is following the young lord about?" + +"See! You see it every day, my dear fellow; only the trick is +better done, and Lady Kicklebury is rather a clumsy practitioner. +See! why nobody is better aware of the springes which are set to +catch him than that young fellow himself, who is as knowing as any +veteran in May Fair. And you don't suppose that Lady Kicklebury +fancies that she is doing anything mean, or anything wrong? Heaven +bless you! she never did anything wrong in her life. She has no +idea but that everything she says, and thinks, and does is right. +And no doubt she never did rob a church: and was a faithful wife to +Sir Thomas, and pays her tradesmen. Confound her virtue! It is +that which makes her so wonderful--that brass armor in which she +walks impenetrable--not knowing what pity is, or charity; crying +sometimes when she is vexed, or thwarted, but laughing never; +cringing, and domineering by the same natural instinct--never +doubting about herself above all. Let us rise, and revolt against +those people, Lankin. Let us war with them, and smite them +utterly. It is to use against these, especially, that Scorn and +Satire were invented." + +"And the animal you attack," says Lankin, "is provided with a hide +to defend him--it is a common ordinance of nature." + + +And so we pass by tower and town, and float up the Rhine. We don't +describe the river. Who does not know it? How you see people +asleep in the cabins at the most picturesque parts, and angry to be +awakened when they fire off those stupid guns for the echoes! It +is as familiar to numbers of people as Greenwich; and we know the +merits of the inns along the road as if they were the "Trafalgar" +or the "Star and Garter." How stale everything grows! If we were +to live in a garden of Eden, now, and the gate were open, we should +go out, and tramp forward, and push on, and get up early in the +morning, and push on again--anything to keep moving, anything to +get a change: anything but quiet for the restless children of Cain. + + +So many thousands of English folks have been at Rougetnoirbourg in +this and last seasons, that it is scarcely needful to alter the +name of that pretty little gay, wicked place. There were so many +British barristers there this year that they called the "Hotel des +Quatre Saisons" the "Hotel of Quarter Sessions." There were judges +and their wives, serjeants and their ladies, Queen's counsel +learned in the law, the Northern circuit and the Western circuit: +there were officers of half-pay and full-pay, military officers, +naval officers, and sheriffs' officers. There were people of high +fashion and rank, and people of no rank at all; there were men and +women of reputation, and of the two kinds of reputation; there were +English boys playing cricket; English pointers putting up the +German partridges, and English guns knocking them down; there were +women whose husbands, and men whose wives were at home; there were +High Church and Low Church--England turned out for a holiday, in a +word. How much farther shall we extend our holiday ground, and +where shall we camp next? A winter at Cairo is nothing now. +Perhaps ere long we shall be going to Saratoga Springs, and the +Americans coming to Margate for the summer. + +Apartments befitting her dignity and the number of her family had +been secured for Lady Kicklebury by her dutiful son, in the same +house in which one of Lankin's friends had secured for us much +humbler lodgings. Kicklebury received his mother's advent with a +great deal of good humor; and a wonderful figure the good-natured +little baronet was when he presented himself to his astonished +friends, scarcely recognizable by his own parent and sisters, and +the staring retainers of their house. + +"Mercy, Kicklebury! have you become a red republican?" his mother +asked. + +"I can't find a place to kiss you," said Miss Fanny, laughing to +her brother; and he gave her pretty cheek such a scrub with his red +beard, as made some folks think it would be very pleasant to be +Miss Fanny's brother. + +In the course of his travels, one of Sir Thomas Kicklebury's chief +amusements and cares had been to cultivate this bushy auburn +ornament. He said that no man could pronounce German properly +without a beard to his jaws; but he did not appear to have got much +beyond this preliminary step to learning; and, in spite of his +beard, his honest English accent came out, as his jolly English +face looked forth from behind that fierce and bristly decoration, +perfectly good-humored and unmistakable. We try our best to look +like foreigners, but we can't. Every Italian mendicant or Pont +Neuf beggar knows his Englishman in spite of blouse, and beard, and +slouched hat. "There is a peculiar high-bred grace about us," I +whisper to Lady Kicklebury, "an aristocratic je ne scais quoi, +which is not to be found in any but Englishmen; and it is that +which makes us so immensely liked and admired all over the +Continent." Well, this may be truth or joke--this may be a sneer +or a simple assertion: our vulgarities and our insolences may, +perhaps, make us as remarkable as that high breeding which we +assume to possess. It may be that the Continental society +ridicules and detests us, as we walk domineering over Europe; but, +after all, which of us would denationalize himself? who wouldn't be +an Englishman? Come, sir, cosmopolite as you are, passing all your +winters at Rome or at Paris; exiled by choice, or poverty, from +your own country; preferring easier manners, cheaper pleasures, a +simpler life: are you not still proud of your British citizenship? +and would you like to be a Frenchman? + +Kicklebury has a great acquaintance at Noirbourg, and as he walks +into the great concert-room at night, introducing his mother and +sisters there, he seemed to look about with a little anxiety, lest +all of his acquaintance should recognize him. There are some in +that most strange and motley company with whom he had rather not +exchange salutations, under present circumstances. Pleasure- +seekers from every nation in the world are here, sharpers of both +sexes, wearers of the stars and cordons of every court in Europe; +Russian princesses, Spanish grandees, Belgian, French, and English +nobles, every degree of Briton, from the ambassador, who has his +conge, to the London apprentice who has come out for his +fortnight's lark. Kicklebury knows them all, and has a good- +natured nod for each. + +"Who is that lady with the three daughters who saluted you, +Kicklebury?" asks his mother. + +"That is our Ambassadress at X., ma'am. I saw her yesterday buying +a penny toy for one of her little children in Frankfort Fair." + +Lady Kicklebury looks towards Lady X.: she makes her excellency an +undeveloped curtsy, as it were; she waves her plumed head (Lady K. +is got up in great style, in a rich dejeuner toilette, perfectly +regardless of expense); she salutes the ambassadress with a +sweeping gesture from her chair, and backs before her as before +royalty, and turns to her daughters large eyes full of meaning, and +spreads out her silks in state. + +"And who is that distinguished-looking man who just passed, and who +gave you a reserved nod?" asks her ladyship. "Is that Lord X.?" + +Kicklebury burst out laughing. "That, ma'am, is Mr. Higmore, of +Conduit Street, tailor, draper, and habit-maker: and I owe him a +hundred pound." + +"The insolence of that sort of people is really intolerable," says +Lady Kicklebury. "There MUST be some distinction of classes. They +ought not to be allowed to go everywhere. And who is yonder, that +lady with the two boys and the--the very high complexion?" Lady +Kicklebury asks. + +"That is a Russian princess: and one of those little boys, the one +who is sucking a piece of barley-sugar, plays, and wins five +hundred louis in a night." + +"Kicklebury, you do not play? Promise your mother you do not! +Swear to me at this moment you do not! Where are the horrid +gambling-rooms? There, at that door where the crowd is? Of +course, I shall never enter them!" + +"Of course not, ma'am," says the affectionate son on duty. "And if +you come to the balls here, please don't let Fanny dance with +anybody, until you ask me first: you understand. Fanny, you will +take care." + +"Yes, Tom," says Fanny. + +"What, Hicks, how are you, old fellow? How is Platts? Who would +have thought of you being here? When did you come?" + +"I had the pleasure of travelling with Lady Kicklebury and her +daughters in the London boat to Antwerp," says Captain Hicks, +making the ladies a bow. Kicklebury introduces Hicks to his mother +as his most particular friend--and he whispers Fanny that "he's as +good a fellow as ever lived, Hicks is." Fanny says, "He seems very +kind and good-natured: and--and Captain Hicks waltzes very well," +says Miss Fanny with a blush, "and I hope I may have him for one of +my partners." + +What a Babel of tongues it is in this splendid hall with gleaming +marble pillars: a ceaseless rushing whisper as if the band were +playing its music by a waterfall! The British lawyers are all got +together, and my friend Lankin, on his arrival, has been carried +off by his brother serjeants, and becomes once more a lawyer. +"Well, brother Lankin," says old Sir Thomas Minos, with his +venerable kind face, "you have got your rule, I see." And they +fall into talk about their law matters, as they always do, wherever +they are--at a club, in a ball-room, at a dinner-table, at the top +of Chimborazo. Some of the young barristers appear as bucks with +uncommon splendor, and dance and hang about the ladies. But they +have not the easy languid deuce-may-care air of the young bucks of +the Hicks and Kicklebury school--they can't put on their clothes +with that happy negligence; their neck-cloths sit quite differently +on them, somehow: they become very hot when they dance, and yet do +not spin round near so quickly as those London youths, who have +acquired experience in corpore vili, and learned to dance easily by +the practice of a thousand casinos. + +Above the Babel tongues and the clang of the music, as you listen +in the great saloon, you hear from a neighboring room a certain +sharp ringing clatter, and a hard clear voice cries out, "Zero +rouge," or " Trente-cinq noir. Impair et passe." And then there +is a pause of a couple of minutes, and then the voice says, "Faites +le jeu, Messieurs. Le jeu est fait, rien ne va plus"--and the +sharp ringing clatter recommences. You know what that room is? +That is Hades. That is where the spirited proprietor of the +establishment takes his toll, and thither the people go who pay the +money which supports the spirited proprietor of this fine palace +and gardens. Let us enter Hades, and see what is going on there. + +Hades is not an unpleasant place. Most of the people look rather +cheerful. You don't see any frantic gamblers gnashing their teeth +or dashing down their last stakes. The winners have the most +anxious faces; or the poor shabby fellows who have got systems, and +are pricking down the alternations of red and black on cards, and +don't seem to be playing at all. On fete days the country people +come in, men and women, to gamble; and THEY seem to be excited as +they put down their hard-earned florins with trembling rough hands, +and watch the turn of the wheel. But what you call the good +company is very quiet and easy. A man loses his mass of gold, and +gets up and walks off, without any particular mark of despair. The +only gentleman whom I saw at Noirbourg who seemed really affected +was a certain Count de Mustacheff, a Russian of enormous wealth, +who clenched his fists, beat his breast, cursed his stars, and +absolutely cried with grief: not for losing money, but for +neglecting to win and play upon a coup de vingt, a series in which +the red was turned up twenty times running: which series, had he +but played, it is clear that he might have broken M. Lenoir's bank, +and shut up the gambling-house, and doubled his own fortune--when +he would have been no happier, and all the balls and music, all the +newspaper-rooms and parks, all the feasting and pleasure of this +delightful Rougetnoirbourg would have been at an end. + +For though he is a wicked gambling prince, Lenoir, he is beloved in +all these regions; his establishment gives life to the town, to the +lodging-house and hotel-keepers, to the milliners and hackney- +coachmen, to the letters of horse-flesh, to the huntsmen and +gardes-de-chasse; to all these honest fiddlers and trumpeters who +play so delectably. Were Lenoir's bank to break, the whole little +city would shut up; and all the Noirbourgers wish him prosperity, +and benefit by his good fortune. + +Three years since the Noirbourgers underwent a mighty panic. There +came, at a time when the chief Lenoir was at Paris, and the reins +of government were in the hands of his younger brother, a company +of adventurers from Belgium, with a capital of three hundred +thousand francs, and an infallible system for playing rouge et +noir, and they boldly challenged the bank of Lenoir, and sat down +before his croupiers, and defied him. They called themselves in +their pride the Contrebanque de Noirbourg: they had their croupiers +and punters, even as Lenoir had his: they had their rouleaux of +Napoleons, stamped with their Contrebanquish seal:--and they began +to play. + +As when two mighty giants step out of a host and engage, the armies +stand still in expectation, and the puny privates and commonalty +remain quiet to witness the combat of the tremendous champions of +the war: so it is said that when the Contrebanque arrived, and +ranged itself before the officers of Lenoir--rouleau to rouleau, +bank-note to bank-note, war for war, controlment for controlment-- +all the minor punters and gamblers ceased their peddling play, and +looked on in silence, round the verdant plain where the great +combat was to be decided. + +Not used to the vast operations of war, like his elder brother, +Lenoir junior, the lieutenant, telegraphed to his absent chief the +news of the mighty enemy who had come down upon him, asked for +instructions, and in the meanwhile met the foe-man like a man. +The Contrebanque of Noirbourg gallantly opened its campaign. + +The Lenoir bank was defeated day after day, in numerous savage +encounters. The tactics of the Contrebanquist generals were +irresistible: their infernal system bore down everything before it, +and they marched onwards terrible and victorious as the Macedonian +phalanx. Tuesday, a loss of eighteen thousand florins; Wednesday, +a loss of twelve thousand florins; Thursday, a loss of forty +thousand florins: night after night, the young Lenoir had to +chronicle these disasters in melancholy despatches to his chief. +What was to be done? Night after night, the Noirbourgers retired +home doubtful and disconsolate; the horrid Contrebanquists gathered +up their spoils and retired to a victorious supper. How was it to +end? + +Far away at Paris, the elder Lenoir answered these appeals of his +brother by sending reinforcements of money. Chests of gold arrived +for the bank. The Prince of Noirbourg bade his beleaguered +lieutenant not to lose heart: he himself never for a moment +blenched in this trying hour of danger. + +The Contrebanquists still went on victorious. Rouleau after +rouleau fell into their possession. At last the news came: The +Emperor has joined the Grand Army. Lenoir himself had arrived from +Paris, and was once more among his children, his people. The daily +combats continued: and still, still, though Napoleon was with the +Eagles, the abominable Contrebanquists fought and conquered. And +far greater than Napoleon, as great as Ney himself under disaster, +the bold Lenoir never lost courage, never lost good-humor, was +affable, was gentle, was careful of his subjects' pleasures and +comforts, and met an adverse fortune with a dauntless smile. + +With a devilish forbearance and coolness, the atrocious +Contrebanque--like Polyphemus, who only took one of his prisoners +out of the cave at a time, and so ate them off at leisure--the +horrid Contrebanquists, I say, contented themselves with winning so +much before dinner, and so much before supper--say five thousand +florins for each meal. They played and won at noon: they played +and won at eventide. They of Noirbourg went home sadly every +night: the invader was carrying all before him. What must have +been the feelings of the great Lenoir? What were those of +Washington before Trenton, when it seemed all up with the cause of +American Independence; what those of the virgin Elizabeth, when +the Armada was signalled; what those of Miltiades, when the +multitudinous Persian bore down on Marathon? The people looked on +at the combat, and saw their chieftain stricken, bleeding, fallen, +fighting still. + +At last there came one day when the Contrebanquists had won their +allotted sum, and were about to leave the tables which they had +swept so often. But pride and lust of gold had seized upon the +heart of one of their vainglorious chieftains; and he said, "Do not +let us go yet--let us win a thousand florins more!" So they stayed +and set the bank yet a thousand florins. The Noirbourgers looked +on, and trembled for their prince. + +Some three hours afterwards--a shout, a mighty shout was heard +around the windows of that palace: the town, the gardens, the +hills, the fountains took up and echoed the jubilant acclaim. Hip, +hip, hip, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! People rushed into each other's +arms; men, women, and children cried and kissed each other. +Croupiers, who never feel, who never tremble, who never care +whether black wins or red loses, took snuff from each other's +boxes, and laughed for joy; and Lenoir the dauntless, the +INVINCIBLE Lenoir, wiped the drops of perspiration from his calm +forehead, as he drew the enemy's last rouleau into his till. He +had conquered. The Persians were beaten, horse and foot--the +Armada had gone down. Since Wellington shut up his telescope at +Waterloo, when the Prussians came charging on to the field, and the +Guard broke and fled, there had been no such heroic endurance, such +utter defeat, such signal and crowning victory. Vive Lenoir! I am +a Lenoirite. I have read his newspapers, strolled in his gardens, +listened to his music, and rejoice in his victory: I am glad he +beat those Contrebanquists. Dissipati sunt. The game is up with +them. + + +The instances of this man's magnanimity are numerous, and worthy of +Alexander the Great, or Harry the Fifth, or Robin Hood. Most +gentle is he, and thoughtful to the poor, and merciful to the +vanquished. When Jeremy Diddler, who had lost twenty pounds at his +table, lay in inglorious pawn at his inn--when O'Toole could not +leave Noirbourg until he had received his remittances from Ireland-- +the noble Lenoir paid Diddler's inn bill, advanced O'Toole money +upon his well-known signature, franked both of them back to their +native country again; and has never, wonderful to state, been paid +from that day to this. If you will go play at his table, you may; +but nobody forces you. If you lose, pay with a cheerful heart. +Dulce est desipere in loco. This is not a treatise of morals. +Friar Tuck was not an exemplary ecclesiastic, nor Robin Hood a +model man; but he was a jolly outlaw; and I dare say the Sheriff of +Nottingham, whose money he took, rather relished his feast at +Robin's green table. + +And if you lose, worthy friend, as possibly you will, at Lenoir's +pretty games, console yourself by thinking that it is much better +for you in the end that you should lose, than that you should win. +Let me, for my part, make a clean breast of it, and own that your +humble servant did, on one occasion, win a score of Napoleons; and +beginning with a sum of no less than five shillings. But until I +had lost them again I was so feverish, excited, and uneasy, that I +had neither delectation in reading the most exciting French novels, +nor pleasure in seeing pretty landscapes, nor appetite for dinner. +The moment, however, that graceless money was gone, equanimity was +restored: Paul Feval and Eugene Sue began to be terrifically +interesting again; and the dinners at Noirbourg, though by no means +good culinary specimens, were perfectly sufficient for my easy and +tranquil mind. Lankin, who played only a lawyer's rubber at whist, +marked the salutary change in his friend's condition; and, for my +part, I hope and pray that every honest reader of this volume who +plays at M. Lenoir's table will lose every shilling of his winnings +before he goes away. Where are the gamblers whom we have read of? +Where are the card-players whom we can remember in our early days? +At one time almost every gentleman played, and there were whist- +tables in every lady's drawing-room. But trumps are going out +along with numbers of old-world institutions; and, before very +long, a blackleg will be as rare an animal as a knight in armor. + +There was a little dwarfish, abortive, counter bank set up at +Noirbourg this year: but the gentlemen soon disagreed among +themselves; and, let us hope, were cut off in detail by the great +Lenoir. And there was a Frenchman at our inn who had won two +Napoleons per day for the last six weeks, and who had an infallible +system, whereof he kindly offered to communicate the secret for the +consideration of a hundred louis; but there came one fatal night +when the poor Frenchman's system could not make head against +fortune, and her wheel went over him, and he disappeared utterly. + + +With the early morning everybody rises and makes his or her +appearance at the Springs, where they partake of water with a +wonderful energy and perseverance. They say that people get to be +fond of this water at last; as to what tastes cannot men accustom +themselves? I drank a couple of glasses of an abominable sort of +feeble salts in a state of very gentle effervescence; but, though +there was a very pretty girl who served it, the drink was +abominable, and it was a marvel to see the various topers, who +tossed off glass after glass, which the fair-haired little Hebe +delivered sparkling from the well. + +Seeing my wry faces, old Captain Carver expostulated, with a jolly +twinkle of his eye, as he absorbed the contents of a sparkling +crystal beaker. "Pooh! take another glass, sir: you'll like it +better and better every day. It refreshes you, sir: it fortifies +you: and as for liking it--gad! I remember the time when I didn't +like claret. Times are altered now, ha! ha! Mrs. Fantail, madam, +I wish you a very good morning. How is Fantail? He don't come to +drink the water: so much the worse for him." + +To see Mrs. Fantail of an evening is to behold a magnificent sight. +She ought to be shown in a room by herself; and, indeed, would +occupy a moderate-sized one with her person and adornments. Marie +Antoinette's hoop is not bigger than Mrs. Fantail's flounces. +Twenty men taking hands (and, indeed, she likes to have at least +that number about her) would scarcely encompass her. Her chestnut +ringlets spread out in a halo round her face: she must want two or +three coiffeurs to arrange that prodigious head-dress; and then, +when it is done, how can she endure that extraordinary gown? Her +travelling bandboxes must be as large as omnibuses. + +But see Mrs. Fantail in the morning, having taken in all sail: the +chestnut curls have disappeared, and two limp bands of brown hair +border her lean, sallow face; you see before you an ascetic, a nun, +a woman worn by mortifications, of a sad yellow aspect, drinking +salts at the well: a vision quite different from that rapturous one +of the previous night's ball-room. No wonder Fantail does not come +out of a morning; he had rather not see such a Rebecca at the well. + +Lady Kicklebury came for some mornings pretty regularly, and was +very civil to Mr. Leader, and made Miss Fanny drink when his +lordship took a cup, and asked Lord Talboys and his tutor to +dinner. But the tutor came, and, blushing, brought an excuse from +Talboys; and poor Milliken had not a very pleasant evening after +Mr. Baring Leader rose to go away. + +But though the water was not good the sun was bright, the music +cheery, the landscape fresh and pleasant, and it was always amusing +to see the vast varieties of our human species that congregated at +the Springs, and trudged up and down the green allees. One of the +gambling conspirators of the roulette-table it was good to see +here, in his private character, drinking down pints of salts like +any other sinner, having a homely wife on his arm, and between them +a poodle on which they lavished their tenderest affection. You see +these people care for other things besides trumps; and are not +always thinking about black and red:--as even ogres are represented, +in their histories, as of cruel natures, and licentious appetites, +and, to be sure, fond of eating men and women; but yet it appears +that their wives often respected them, and they had a sincere liking +for their own hideous children. And, besides the card-players, +there are band-players: every now and then a fiddle from the +neighboring orchestra, or a disorganized bassoon, will step down and +drink a glass of the water, and jump back into his rank again. + +Then come the burly troops of English, the honest lawyers, +merchants, and gentlemen, with their wives and buxom daughters, and +stout sons, that, almost grown to the height of manhood, are boys +still, with rough wide-awake hats and shooting-jackets, full of +lark and laughter. A French boy of sixteen has had des passions +ere that time, very likely, and is already particular in his dress, +an ogler of the women, and preparing to kill. Adolphe says to +Alphonse--"La voila cette charmante Miss Fanni, la belle +Kickleburi! je te donne ma parole, elle est fraiche comme une rose! +la crois-tu riche, Alphonse?" "Je me range, mon ami, vois-tu? La +vie de garcon me pese. Ma parole d'honneur! je me range." + +And he gives Miss Fanny a killing bow, and a glance which seems to +say, "Sweet Anglaise, I know that I have won your heart." + +Then besides the young French buck, whom we will willingly suppose +harmless, you see specimens of the French raff, who goes aux eaux: +gambler, speculator, sentimentalist, duellist, travelling with +madame his wife, at whom other raffs nod and wink familiarly. This +rogue is much more picturesque and civilized than the similar +person in our own country: whose manners betray the stable; who +never reads anything but Bell's Life; and who is much more at ease +in conversing with a groom than with his employer. Here come Mr. +Boucher and Mr. Fowler: better to gamble for a score of nights with +honest Monsieur Lenoir, than to sit down in private once with those +gentlemen. But we have said that their profession is going down, +and the number of Greeks daily diminishes. They are travelling +with Mr. Bloundell, who was a gentleman once, and still retains +about him some faint odor of that time of bloom; and Bloundell has +put himself on young Lord Talboys, and is trying to get some money +out of that young nobleman. But the English youth of the present +day is a wide-awake youth, and male or female artifices are +expended pretty much in vain on our young travelling companion. + +Who come yonder? Those two fellows whom we met at the table-d'hote +at the "Hotel de Russie" the other day: gentlemen of splendid +costume, and yet questionable appearances, the eldest of whom +called for the list of wines, and cried out loud enough for all the +company to hear, "Lafite, six florins. 'Arry, shall we have some +Lafite? You don't mind? No more do I then. I say, waiter, let's +'ave a pint of ordinaire." Truth is stranger than fiction. You +good fellow, wherever you are, why did you ask 'Arry to 'ave that +pint of ordinaire in the presence of your obedient servant? How +could he do otherwise than chronicle the speech? + +And see: here is a lady who is doubly desirous to be put into +print, who encourages it and invites it. It appears that on +Lankin's first arrival at Noirbourg with his travelling companion, +a certain sensation was created in the little society by the rumor +that an emissary of the famous Mr. Punch had arrived in the place; +and, as we were smoking the cigar of peace on the lawn after +dinner, looking on at the benevolent, pretty scene, Mrs. Hopkins, +Miss Hopkins, and the excellent head of the family, walked many +times up and down before us; eyed us severely face to face, and +then walking away, shot back fierce glances at us in the Parthian +manner; and at length, at the third or fourth turn, and when we +could not but overhear so fine a voice, Mrs. Hopkins looks at us +steadily, and says, "I'm sure he may put ME in if he likes: I don't +mind." + +Oh, ma'am! Oh, Mrs. Hopkins! how should a gentleman, who had never +seen your face or heard of you before, want to put YOU in? What +interest can the British public have in you? But as you wish it, +and court publicity, here you are. Good luck go with you, madam. +I have forgotten your real name, and should not know you again if I +saw you. But why could not you leave a man to take his coffee and +smoke his pipe in quiet? + +We could never have time to make a catalogue of all the portraits +that figure in this motley gallery. Among the travellers in +Europe, who are daily multiplying in numbers and increasing in +splendor, the United States' dandies must not be omitted. They +seem as rich as the Milor of old days; they crowd in European +capitals; they have elbowed out people of the old country from many +hotels which we used to frequent; they adopt the French fashion of +dressing rather than ours, and they grow handsomer beards than +English beards: as some plants are found to flourish and shoot up +prodigiously when introduced into a new soil. The ladies seem to +be as well dressed as Parisians, and as handsome; though somewhat +more delicate, perhaps, than the native English roses. They drive +the finest carriages, they keep the grandest houses, they frequent +the grandest company--and, in a word, the Broadway Swell has now +taken his station and asserted his dignity amongst the grandees of +Europe. He is fond of asking Count Reineck to dinner, and Grafinn +Laura will condescend to look kindly upon a gentleman who has +millions of dollars. Here comes a pair of New Yorkers. Behold +their elegant curling beards, their velvet coats, their delicate +primrose gloves and cambric handkerchiefs, and the aristocratic +beauty of their boots. Why, if you had sixteen quarterings, you +could not have smaller feet than those; and if you were descended +from a line of kings you could not smoke better or bigger cigars. + +Lady Kicklebury deigns to think very well of these young men, since +she has seen them in the company of grandees and heard how rich +they are. "Who is that very stylish-looking woman, to whom Mr. +Washington Walker spoke just now?" she asks of Kicklebury. + +Kicklebury gives a twinkle of his eye. "Oh, that, mother! that is +Madame La Princesse de Mogador--it's a French title." + +"She danced last night, and danced exceedingly well; I remarked +her. There's a very high-bred grace about the princess." + +"Yes, exceedingly. We'd better come on," says Kicklebury, blushing +rather as he returns the princess's nod. + +It is wonderful how large Kicklebury's acquaintance is. He has a +word and a joke, in the best German he can muster, for everybody-- +for the high well-born lady, as for the German peasant maiden, or +the pretty little washerwoman, who comes full sail down the +streets, a basket on her head and one of Mrs. Fantail's wonderful +gowns swelling on each arm. As we were going to the Schloss-Garten +I caught a sight of the rogue's grinning face yesterday, close at +little Gretel's ear under her basket; but spying out his mother +advancing, he dashed down a bystreet, and when we came up with her, +Gretel was alone. + +One but seldom sees the English and the holiday visitors in the +ancient parts of Noirbourg; they keep to the streets of new +buildings and garden villas, which have sprung up under the magic +influence of M. Lenoir, under the white towers and gables of the +old German town. The Prince of Trente et Quarante has quite +overcome the old serene sovereign of Noirbourg, whom one cannot +help fancying a prince like a prince in a Christmas pantomime--a +burlesque prince with twopence-halfpenny for a revenue, jolly and +irascible, a prime-minister-kicking prince, fed upon fabulous plum- +puddings and enormous pasteboard joints, by cooks and valets with +large heads which never alter their grin. Not that this portrait +is from the life. Perhaps he has no life. Perhaps there is no +prince in the great white tower, that we see for miles before we +enter the little town. Perhaps he has been mediatized, and sold +his kingdom to Monsieur Lenoir. Before the palace of Lenoir there +is a grove of orange-trees in tubs, which Lenoir bought from +another German prince; who went straightway and lost the money, +which he had been paid for his wonderful orange-trees, over +Lenoir's green tables, at his roulette and trente-et-quarante. A +great prince is Lenoir in his way; a generous and magnanimous +prince. You may come to his feast and pay nothing, unless you +please. You may walk in his gardens, sit in his palace, and read +his thousand newspapers. You may go and play at whist in his small +drawing-rooms, or dance and hear concerts in his grand saloon--and +there is not a penny to pay. His fiddlers and trumpeters begin +trumpeting and fiddling for you at the early dawn--they twang and +blow for you in the afternoon, they pipe for you at night that you +may dance--and there is nothing to pay--Lenoir pays for all. Give +him but the chances of the table, and he will do all this and more. +It is better to live under Prince Lenoir than a fabulous old German +Durchlaucht whose cavalry ride wicker horses with petticoats, and +whose prime minister has a great pasteboard head. Vive le Prince +Lenoir! + +There is a grotesque old carved gate to the palace of the +Durchlaucht, from which you could expect none but a pantomime +procession to pass. The place looks asleep; the courts are grass- +grown and deserted. Is the Sleeping Beauty lying yonder, in the +great white tower? What is the little army about? It seems a sham +army: a sort of grotesque military. The only charge of infantry +was this: one day when passing through the old town, looking for +sketches. Perhaps they become croupiers at night. What can such a +fabulous prince want with anything but a sham army? My favorite +walk was in the ancient quarter of the town--the dear old fabulous +quarter, away from the noisy actualities of life and Prince +Lenoir's new palace--out of eye and earshot of the dandies and the +ladies in their grand best clothes at the promenades--and the +rattling whirl of the roulette wheel--and I liked to wander in the +glum old gardens under the palace wall, and imagine the Sleeping +Beauty within there. + +Some one persuaded us one day to break the charm, and see the +interior of the palace. I am sorry we did. There was no Sleeping +Beauty in any chamber that we saw; nor any fairies, good or +malevolent. There was a shabby set of clean old rooms, which +looked as if they had belonged to a prince hard put to it for +money, and whose tin crown jewels would not fetch more than King +Stephen's pantaloons. A fugitive prince, a brave prince struggling +with the storms of fate, a prince in exile may be poor; but a +prince looking out of his own palace windows with a dressing-gown +out at elbows, and dunned by his subject washerwoman--I say this is +a painful object. When they get shabby they ought not to be seen. +"Don't you think so, Lady Kicklebury?" Lady Kicklebury evidently +had calculated the price of the carpets and hangings, and set them +justly down at a low figure. "These German princes," she said, +"are not to be put on a level with English noblemen." "Indeed," we +answer, "there is nothing so perfect as England: nothing so good as +our aristocracy; nothing so perfect as our institutions." +"Nothing! NOTHING!" says Lady K. + +An English princess was once brought to reign here; and almost the +whole of the little court was kept upon her dowry. The people +still regard her name fondly; and they show, at the Schloss, the +rooms which she inhabited. Her old books are still there--her old +furniture brought from home; the presents and keepsakes sent by her +family are as they were in the princess's lifetime: the very clock +has the name of a Windsor maker on its face; and portraits of all +her numerous race decorate the homely walls of the now empty +chambers. There is the benighted old king, his beard hanging down +to the star on his breast; and the first gentleman of Europe--so +lavish of his portrait everywhere, and so chary of showing his +royal person--all the stalwart brothers of the now all but extinct +generation are there; their quarrels and their pleasures, their +glories and disgraces, enemies, flatterers, detractors, admirers-- +all now buried. Is it not curious to think that the King of Trumps +now virtually reigns in this place, and has deposed the other +dynasty? + +Very early one morning, wishing to have a sketch of the White Tower +in which our English princess had been imprisoned, I repaired to +the gardens, and set about a work, which, when completed, will no +doubt have the honor of a place on the line at the Exhibition; and, +returning homewards to breakfast, musing upon the strange fortunes +and inhabitants of the queer, fantastic, melancholy place, behold, +I came suddenly upon a couple of persons, a male and a female; the +latter of whom wore a blue hood or "ugly," and blushed very much on +seeing me. The man began to laugh behind his moustaches, the which +cachinnation was checked by an appealing look from the young lady; +and he held out his hand and said, "How d'ye do, Titmarsh? Been +out making some cawickachaws, hay?" + +I need not say that the youth before me was the heavy dragoon, and +that the maiden was Miss Fanny Kicklebury. Or need I repeat that, +in the course of my blighted being, I never loved a young gazelle +to glad me with its dark blue eye, but when it came to, &c., the +usual disappointment, was sure to ensue? There is no necessity why +I should allude to my feelings at this most manifest and outrageous +case. I gave a withering glance of scorn at the pair, and, with a +stately salutation, passed on. + +Miss Fanny came tripping after me. She held out her little hand +with such a pretty look of deprecation, that I could not but take +it; and she said, "Mr. Titmarsh, if you please, I want to speak to +you, if you please;" and, choking with emotion, I bade her speak +on. + +"My brother knows all about it, and, highly approves of Captain +Hicks," she said, with her head hanging down; "and oh, he's very +good and kind: and I know him MUCH better now, than I did when we +were on board the steamer." + +I thought how I had mimicked him, and what an ass I had been. + +"And you know," she continued, "that you have quite deserted me for +the last ten days for your great acquaintances." + +"I have been to play chess with Lord Knightsbridge, who has the +gout." + +"And to drink tea constantly with that American lady; and you have +written verses in her album; and in Lavinia's album; and as I saw +that you had quite thrown me off, why I--my brother approves of it +highly; and--and Captain Hicks likes you very much, and says you +amuse him very much--indeed he does," says the arch little wretch. +And then she added a postscript, as it were to her letter, which +contained, as usual, the point which she wished to urge:-- + +"You--won't break it to mamma--will you be so kind? My brother +will do that"--and I promised her; and she ran away, kissing her +hand to me. And I did not say a word to Lady Kicklebury, and not +above a thousand people at Noirbourg knew that Miss Kicklebury and +Captain Hicks were engaged. + + +And now let those who are too confident of their virtue listen to +the truthful and melancholy story which I have to relate, and +humble themselves, and bear in mind that the most perfect among us +are occasionally liable to fall. Kicklebury was not perfect,--I do +not defend his practice. He spent a great deal more time and money +than was good for him at M. Lenoir's gaming-table, and the only +thing which the young fellow never lost was his good humor. If +Fortune shook her swift wings and fled away from him, he laughed at +the retreating pinions, and you saw him dancing and laughing as +gayly after losing a rouleau, as if he was made of money, and +really had the five thousand a year which his mother said was the +amount of the Kicklebury property. But when her ladyship's +jointure, and the young ladies' allowances, and the interest of +mortgages were paid out of the five thousand a year, I grieve to +say that the gallant Kicklebury's income was to be counted by +hundreds and not by thousands; so that, for any young lady who +wants a carriage (and who can live without one?) our friend the +baronet is not a desirable specimen of bachelors. Now, whether it +was that the presence of his mamma interrupted his pleasures, or +certain of her ways did not please him, or that he had lost all his +money at roulette and could afford no more, certain it is, that +after about a fortnight's stay at Noirbourg, he went off to shoot +with Count Einhorn in Westphalia; he and Hicks parting the dearest +of friends, and the baronet going off on a pony which the captain +lent to him. Between him and Millikin, his brother-in-law, there +was not much sympathy: for he pronounced Mr. Milliken to be what is +called a muff; and had never been familiar with his elder sister +Lavinia, of whose poems he had a mean opinion, and who used to +tease and worry him by teaching him French, and telling tales of +him to his mamma, when he was a schoolboy home for the holidays. +Whereas, between the baronet and Miss Fanny there seemed to be the +closest affection: they walked together every morning to the +waters; they joked and laughed with each other as happily as +possible. Fanny was almost ready to tell fibs to screen her +brother's malpractices from her mamma: she cried when she heard of +his mishaps, and that he had lost too much money at the green +table; and when Sir Thomas went away, the good little soul brought +him five louis; which was all the money she had: for you see she +paid her mother handsomely for her board; and when her little +gloves and milliner's bills were settled how much was there left +out of two hundred a year? And she cried when she heard that Hicks +had lent Sir Thomas money, and went up and said, "Thank you, +Captain Hicks;" and shook hands with the captain so eagerly, that I +thought he was a lucky fellow, who had a father a wealthy attorney +in Bedford Row. Heighho! I saw how matters were going. The birds +MUST sing in the spring-time, and the flowers bud. + +Mrs. Milliken, in her character of invalid, took the advantage of +her situation to have her husband constantly about her, reading to +her, or fetching the doctor to her, or watching her whilst she was +dozing, and so forth; and Lady Kicklebury found the life which this +pair led rather more monotonous than that sort of existence which +she liked, and would leave them alone with Fanny (Captain Hicks not +uncommonly coming in to take tea with the three), whilst her +ladyship went to the Redoute to hear the music, or read the papers, +or play a game of whist there. + +The newspaper-room at Noirbourg is next to the roulette-room, into +which the doors are always open; and Lady K. would come, with +newspaper in hand, into this play-room, sometimes, and look on at +the gamesters. I have mentioned a little Russian boy, a little imp +with the most mischievous intelligence and good humor in his face, +who was suffered by his parents to play as much as he chose, and +who pulled bonbons out of one pocket and Napoleons out of the +other, and seemed to have quite a diabolical luck at the table. + +Lady Kicklebury's terror and interest at seeing this boy were +extreme. She watched him and watched him, and he seemed always to +win; and at last her ladyship put down just a florin--only just one +florin--on one of the numbers at roulette which the little Russian +imp was backing. Number twenty-seven came up, and the croupiers +flung over three gold pieces and five florins to Lady Kicklebury, +which she raked up with a trembling hand. + +She did not play any more that night, but sat in the playroom, +pretending to read the Times newspaper; but you could see her eye +peering over the sheet, and always fixed on the little imp of a +Russian. He had very good luck that night, and his winning made +her very savage. As he retired, rolling his gold pieces into his +pocket and sucking his barley-sugar, she glared after him with +angry eyes; and went home, and scolded everybody, and had no sleep. +I could hear her scolding. Our apartments in the Tissisch House +overlooked Lady Kicklebury's suite of rooms: the great windows were +open in the autumn. Yes; I could hear her scolding, and see some +other people sitting whispering in the embrasure, or looking out on +the harvest moon. + +The next evening, Lady Kicklebury shirked away from the concert; +and I saw her in the play-room again, going round and round the +table; and, lying in ambush behind the Journal des Debats, I marked +how, after looking stealthily round, my lady whipped a piece of +money under the croupier's elbow, and (there having been no coin +there previously) I saw a florin on the Zero. + +She lost that, and walked away. Then she came back and put down +two florins on a number, and lost again, and became very red and +angry; then she retreated, and came back a third time, and a seat +being vacated by a player, Lady Kicklebury sat down at the verdant +board. Ah me! She had a pretty good evening, and carried off a +little money again that night. The next day was Sunday: she gave +two florins at the collection at church, to Fanny's surprise at +mamma's liberality. On this night of course there was no play. +Her ladyship wrote letters, and read a sermon. + +But the next night she was back at the table; and won very +plentifully, until the little Russian sprite made his appearance, +when it seemed that her luck changed. She began to bet upon him, +and the young Calmuck lost too. Her ladyship's temper went along +with her money: first she backed the Calmuck, and then she played +against him. When she played against him, his luck turned; and he +began straightway to win. She put on more and more money as she +lost: her winnings went: gold came out of secret pockets. She had +but a florin left at last, and tried it on a number, and failed. +She got up to go away. I watched her, and I watched Mr. Justice +Aeacus, too, who put down a Napoleon when he thought nobody was +looking. + +The next day my Lady Kicklebury walked over to the money-changers, +where she changed a couple of circular notes. She was at the table +that night again: and the next night, and the next night, and the +next. + +By about the fifth day she was like a wild woman. She scolded so, +that Hirsch, the courier, said he should retire from monsieur's +service, as he was not hired by Lady Kicklebury: that Bowman gave +warning, and told another footman in the building that he wouldn't +stand the old cat no longer, blow him if he would: that the maid +(who was a Kicklebury girl) and Fanny cried: and that Mrs. +Milliken's maid, Finch, complained to her mistress, who ordered her +husband to remonstrate with her mother. Milliken remonstrated with +his usual mildness, and, of course, was routed by her ladyship. +Mrs. Milliken said, "Give me the daggers," and came to her +husband's rescue. A battle royal ensued; the scared Milliken +hanging about his blessed Lavinia, and entreating and imploring her +to be calm. Mrs. Milliken WAS calm. She asserted her dignity as +mistress of her own family: as controller of her own household, as +wife of her adored husband; and she told her mamma, that with her +or here she must not interfere; that she knew her duty as a child: +but that she also knew it as a wife, as a-- The rest of the +sentence was drowned, as Milliken, rushing to her, called her his +soul's angel, his adored blessing. + +Lady Kicklebury remarked that Shakspeare was very right in stating +how much sharper than a thankless tooth it is to have a serpent +child. + +Mrs. Milliken said, the conversation could not be carried on in +this manner: that it was best her mamma should now know, once for +all, that the way in which she assumed the command at Pigeoncot was +intolerable; that all the servants had given warning, and it was +with the greatest difficulty they could be soothed: and that, as +their living together only led to quarrels and painful +recriminations (the calling her, after her forbearance, A SERPENT +CHILD, was an expression which she would hope to forgive and +forget,) they had better part. + +Lady Kicklebury wears a front, and, I make no doubt, a complete +jasey; or she certainly would have let down her back hair at this +minute, so overpowering were her feelings, and so bitter her +indignation at her daughter's black ingratitude. She intimated +some of her sentiments, by ejaculatory conjurations of evil. She +hoped her daughter might NOT feel what ingratitude was; that SHE +might never have children to turn on her and bring her to the grave +with grief. + +"Bring me to the grave with fiddlestick!" Mrs. Milliken said with +some asperity. "And, as we are going to part, mamma, and as Horace +has paid EVERYTHING on the journey as yet, and we have only brought +a VERY few circular notes with us, perhaps you will have the +kindness to give him your share of the travelling expenses--for +you, for Fanny, and your two servants whom you WOULD bring with +you: and the man has only been a perfect hindrance and great +useless log, and our courier has had to do EVERYTHING. Your share +is now eighty-two pounds." + +Lady Kicklebury at this gave three screams, so loud that even the +resolute Lavinia stopped in her speech. Her ladyship looked +wildly: "Lavinia! Horace! Fanny my child," she said, "come here, +and listen to your mother's shame." + +"What?" cried Horace, aghast. + +"I am ruined! I am a beggar! Yes; a beggar. I have lost all--all +at yonder dreadful table." + +"How do you mean all? How much is all?" asked Horace. + +"All the money I brought with me, Horace. I intended to have paid +the whole expenses of the journey: yours, this ungrateful child's-- +everything. But, a week ago, having seen a lovely baby's lace +dress at the lace-shop; and--and--won enough at wh--wh--whoo--ist +to pay for it, all but two--two florins--in an evil moment I went +to the roulette-table--and lost--every shilling: and now, on may +knees before you, I confess my shame." + +I am not a tragic painter, and certainly won't attempt to depict +THIS harrowing scene. But what could she mean by saying she wished +to pay everything? She had but two twenty-pound notes: and how she +was to have paid all the expenses of the tour with that small sum, +I cannot conjecture. + +The confession, however, had the effect of mollifying poor Milliken +and his wife: after the latter had learned that her mamma had no +money at all at her London bankers', and had overdrawn her account +there, Lavinia consented that Horace should advance her fifty +pounds upon her ladyship's solemn promise of repayment. + +And now it was agreed that this highly respectable lady should +return to England, quick as she might: somewhat sooner than all the +rest of the public did; and leave Mr. and Mrs. Horace Milliken +behind her, as the waters were still considered highly salutary to +that most interesting invalid. And to England Lady Kicklebury +went; taking advantage of Lord Talboys' return thither to place +herself under his lordship's protection; as if the enormous Bowman +was not protector sufficient for her ladyship; and as if Captain +Hicks would have allowed any mortal man, any German student, any +French tourist, any Prussian whiskerando, to do a harm to Miss +Fanny! For though Hicks is not a brilliant or poetical genius, I +am bound to say that the fellow has good sense, good manners, and a +good heart; and with these qualities, a competent sum of money, and +a pair of exceedingly handsome moustaches, perhaps the poor little +Mrs. Launcelot Hicks may be happy. + + +No accident befell Lady Kicklebury on her voyage homewards: but she +got one more lesson at Aix-la-Chapelle, which may serve to make her +ladyship more cautious for the future: for, seeing Madame la +Princesse de Mogador enter into a carriage on the railway, into +which Lord Talboys followed, nothing would content Lady Kicklebury +but to rush into the carriage after this noble pair; and the +vehicle turned out to be what is called on the German lines, and +what I wish were established in England, the Rauch Coupe. Having +seated himself in this vehicle, and looked rather sulkily at my +lady, Lord Talboys began to smoke: which, as the son of an English +earl, heir to many thousands per annum, Lady Kicklebury permitted +him to do. And she introduced herself to Madame la Princesse de +Mogador, mentioning to her highness that she had the pleasure of +meeting Madame la Princesse at Rougetnoirbourg; that she, Lady K., +was the mother of the Chevalier de Kicklebury, who had the +advantage of the acquaintance of Madame la Princesse; and that she +hoped Madame la Princesse had enjoyed her stay at the waters. To +these advances the Princess of Mogador returned a gracious and +affable salutation, exchanging glances of peculiar meaning with two +highly respectable bearded gentlemen who travelled in her suite; +and, when asked by milady whereabouts her highness's residence was +at Paris, said that her hotel was in the Rue Notre Dame de Lorette: +where Lady Kicklebury hoped to have the honor of waiting upon +Madame la Princesse de Mogador. + +But when one of the bearded gentlemen called the princess by the +familiar name of Fifine, and the other said, "Veux-tu fumer, +Mogador?" and the princess actually took a cigar and began to +smoke, Lady Kicklebury was aghast, and trembled; and presently Lord +Talboys burst into a loud fit of laughter. + +"What is the cause of your lordship's amusement?" asked the +dowager, looking very much frightened, and blushing like a maiden +of sixteen. + +"Excuse me, Lady Kicklebury, but I can't help it," he said. +"You've been talking to your opposite neighbor--she don't +understand a word of English--and calling her princess and +highness, and she's no more a princess than you or I. She is a +little milliner in the street she mentioned, and she dances at +Mabille and Chateau Rouge." + +Hearing these two familiar names, the princess looked hard at Lord +Talboys, but he never lost countenance; and at the next station +Lady Kicklebury rushed out of the smoking-carriage and returned to +her own place; where, I dare say, Captain Hicks and Miss Fanny were +delighted once more to have the advantage of her company and +conversation. And so they went back to England, and the +Kickleburys were no longer seen on the Rhine. If her ladyship is +not cured of hunting after great people, it will not be for want of +warning: but which of us in life has not had many warnings: and is +it for lack of them that we stick to our little failings still? + + +When the Kickleburys were gone, that merry little Rougetnoirbourg +did not seem the same place to me, somehow. The sun shone still, +but the wind came down cold from the purple hills; the band played, +but their tunes were stale; the promenaders paced the alleys, but I +knew all their faces: as I looked out of my windows in the Tissisch +house upon the great blank casements lately occupied by the +Kickleburys, and remembered what a pretty face I had seen looking +thence but a few days back, I cared not to look any longer; and +though Mrs. Milliken did invite me to tea, and talked fine arts and +poetry over the meal, both the beverage and the conversation seemed +very weak and insipid to me, and I fell asleep once in my chair +opposite that highly cultivated being. "Let us go back, Lankin," +said I to the Serjeant, and he was nothing loth; for most of the +other serjeants, barristers, and Queen's counsel were turning +homewards, by this time, the period of term time summoning them all +to the Temple. + + +So we went straight one day to Biberich on the Rhine, and found the +little town full of Britons, all trooping home like ourselves. +Everybody comes, and everybody goes away again, at about the same +time. The Rhine innkeepers say that their customers cease with a +single day almost:--that in three days they shall have ninety, +eighty, a hundred guests; on the fourth, ten or eight. We do as +our neighbors do. Though we don't speak to each other much when we +are out a-pleasuring, we take our holiday in common, and go back to +our work in gangs. Little Biberich was so full, that Lankin and I +could not get rooms at the large inns frequented by other persons +of fashion, and could only procure a room between us, "at the +German House, where you find English comfort," says the +advertisement, "with German prices." + +But oh, the English comfort of those beds! How did Lankin manage +in his, with his great long legs? How did I toss and tumble in +mine; which, small as it was, I was not destined to enjoy alone, +but to pass the night in company with anthropophagous wretched +reptiles, who took their horrid meal off an English Christian! I +thought the morning would never come; and when the tardy dawn at +length arrived, and as I was in my first sleep, dreaming of Miss +Fanny, behold I was wakened up by the Serjeant, already dressed and +shaven, and who said, "Rise, Titmarsh, the steamer will be here in +three-quarters of an hour." And the modest gentleman retired, and +left me to dress. + + +The next morning we had passed by the rocks and towers, the old +familiar landscapes, the gleaming towns by the riverside, and the +green vineyards combed along the hills, and when I woke up, it was +at a great hotel at Cologne, and it was not sunrise yet. + +Deutz lay opposite, and over Deutz the dusky sky was reddened. The +hills were veiled in the mist and the gray. The gray river flowed +underneath us; the steamers were roosting along the quays, a light +keeping watch in the cabins here and there, and its reflections +quivering in the water. As I look, the sky-line towards the east +grows redder and redder. A long troop of gray horsemen winds down +the river road, and passes over the bridge of boats. You might +take them for ghosts, those gray horsemen, so shadowy do they look; +but you hear the trample of their hoofs as they pass over the +planks. Every minute the dawn twinkles up into the twilight; and +over Deutz the heaven blushes brighter. The quays begin to fill +with men: the carts begin to creak and rattle, and wake the +sleeping echoes. Ding, ding, ding, the steamers' bells begin to +ring: the people on board to stir and wake: the lights may be +extinguished, and take their turn of sleep: the active boats shake +themselves, and push out into the river: the great bridge opens, +and gives them passage: the church bells of the city begin to +clink: the cavalry trumpets blow from the opposite bank: the sailor +is at the wheel, the porter at his burden, the soldier at his +musket, and the priest at his prayers. . . . + +And lo! in a flash of crimson splendor, with blazing scarlet clouds +running before his chariot, and heralding his majestic approach, +God's sun rises upon the world, and all nature wakens and brightens. + +O glorious spectacle of light and life! O beatific symbol of +Power, Love, Joy, Beauty! Let us look at thee with humble wonder, +and thankfully acknowledge and adore. What gracious forethought is +it--what generous and loving provision, that deigns to prepare for +our eyes and to soothe our hearts with such a splendid morning +festival! For these magnificent bounties of heaven to us, let us +be thankful, even that we can feel thankful--(for thanks surely is +the noblest effort, as it is the greatest delight, of the gentle +soul)--and so, a grace for this feast, let all say who partake of +it. + +See! the mist clears off Drachenfels, and it looks out from the +distance, and bids us a friendly farewell. Farewell to holiday and +sunshine; farewell to kindly sport and pleasant leisure! Let us +say good-by to the Rhine, friend. Fogs, and cares, and labor are +awaiting us by the Thames; and a kind face or two looking out for +us to cheer and bid us welcome. + + + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING: + +A FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME FOR GREAT AND SMALL CHILDREN. + + +BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH + + + +PRELUDE + + +It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in +a foreign city where there were many English children. + +In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not +even get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters--those +funny painted pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, +the Dandy, the Captain, and so on--with which our young ones are +wont to recreate themselves at this festive time. + +My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that +lived in the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my +young charges (it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. +Spillmann, two of the best pastry-cooks in Christendom, have their +shop on the ground floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a +set of Twelfth-Night characters for the amusement of our young +people. + +She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having +looked at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, +which was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our +FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME. + +Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and +Bulbo, Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the +Hall Porter created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of +Countess Gruffanuff was received with extreme pleasure. + +If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be +amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be +expected to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn +everything that is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers +continue the business of their little lives. + +But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be +as pleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, and +dancing, and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes +you a merry Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fire-side Pantomime. + +M. A. TITMARSH. + +December 1854. + + + +THE ROSE AND THE RING + + +I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST + + +This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen +and only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the +letter which announces to his Majesty a proposed visit from Prince +Bulbo, heir of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the +delight upon the monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in +the perusal of the King of Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows +his eggs to get cold, and leaves his august muffins untasted. + +"What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Princess +Angelica; "so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the conqueror of +Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!" + +"Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his Majesty. + +"A little bird," says Angelica. + +"Poor Giglio!" says mamma, pouring out the tea. + +"Bother Giglio!" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled +with a thousand curl-papers. + +"I wish," growls the King--"I wish Giglio was. . ." + +"Was better? Yes, dear, he is better," says the Queen. +"Angelica's little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my +room this morning with my early tea." + +"You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl. + +"It is better than drinking port or brandy-and-water," replies her +Majesty. + +"Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," +said the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his +temper. "Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your +milliners' bills are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and +have some parties. I prefer dinners, but of course you will be for +balls. Your everlasting blue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, +I should like you to have a new necklace. Order one. Not more +than a hundred or a hundred and fifty thousand pounds." + +"And Giglio, dear?" says the Queen. + +"GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE ----" + +"Oh, sir!" screams her Majesty. "Your own nephew! our late King's +only son." + +"Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in +to Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. +He need want for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket- +money, my dear; and you may as well order yourself bracelets while +you are about the necklace, Mrs. V." + +Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for +even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very +much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round +her daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to +make all things ready for the princely stranger. + +When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the +HUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN was +alone. Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe +Valoroso's torments in the choicest language; in which I would also +depict his flashing eye, his distended nostril--his dressing-gown, +pocket-handkerchief, and boots. But I need not say I have NOT the +pen of that novelist; suffice it to say, Valoroso was alone. + +He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many +egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin +meal, drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and +emptied the cup several times, and laid it down with a hoarse "Ha, +ha, ha! now Valoroso is a man again!" + +"But oh!" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), "ere I was +a king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the +hot brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It +dashes not more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with +blunderbuss in hand, I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot +the partridge, snipe, or antlered deer! Ah! well may England's +dramatist remark, "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown!" Why +did I steal my nephew's, my young Giglio's--? Steal! said I? no, +no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me withdraw that odious +expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the royal crown of +Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the sceptral rod +of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold, the +royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, +drivelling boy--was in his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried +for sugarplums and puled for pap--bear up the awful weight of +crown, orb, sceptre? gird on the sword my royal fathers wore, and +meet in fight the tough Crimean foe?" + +And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we +need not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got +it was his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had +entertained ideas of a certain restitution, which shall be +nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN MARRIAGE of uniting two crowns +and two nations which had been engaged in bloody and expensive +wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had been, put the idea +of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the question: nay, +were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would certainly will +the crown from his own son in order to bring about such a desirable +union. + +Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish +is right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his +muffins and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The +Queen, after thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who +had been sick, thought, "Not now. Business first; pleasure +afterwards. I will go and see dear Giglio this afternoon; and now +I will drive to the jeweller's, to look for the necklace and +bracelets." The Princess went up into her own room, and made +Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and as for Giglio, +they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner last +Tuesday twelve-month. + + +II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT +WITHOUT. + + +Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been +one of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not +settled; for when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of +the kingdom, and guardian of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful +regent took no sort of regard of the late monarch's will; had +himself proclaimed sovereign of Paflagonia under the title of King +Valoroso XXIV., had a most splendid coronation, and ordered all the +nobles of the kingdom to pay him homage. So long as Valoroso gave +them plenty of balls at Court, plenty of money and lucrative +places, the Paflagonian nobility did not care who was king; and as +for the people, in those early times, they were equally indifferent. +The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender age at his royal father's +death, did not feel the loss of his crown and empire. As long as he +had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holiday five times a week and a +horse and gun to go out shooting when he grew a little older, and, +above all, the company of his darling cousin, the King's only child, +poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did he envy his uncle the +royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable throne of +state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch +appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has been +left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have +been sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his +ermine, and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling +robe with such a thing as that on my head. + +No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though +she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in +her portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, +scandal, cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her +infirmities, which, after all, may be no greater than our own. She +was kind to her nephew; and if she had any scruples of conscience +about her husband's taking the young Prince's crown, consoled +herself by thinking that the King, though a usurper, was a most +respectable man, and that at his death Prince Giglio would be +restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin, whom he loved +so fondly. + +The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most +cheerfully swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the +monarch left all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted +was plenty of money, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as +little trouble as possible. As long as he had his sport, this +monarch cared little how his people paid for it: he engaged in some +wars, and of course the Paflagonian newspapers announced that he +had gained prodigious victories: he had statues erected to himself +in every city of the empire; and of course his pictures placed +everywhere, and in all the print-shops: he was Valoroso the +Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victorious, Valoroso the Great, and so +forth;--for even in these early times courtiers and people knew how +to flatter. + +This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you +may be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', +and in her own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest +eyes, the slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely +complexion of any young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her +accomplishments were announced to be even superior to her beauty; +and governesses used to shame their idle pupils by telling them +what Princess Angelica could do. She could play the most difficult +pieces of music at sight. She could answer any one of "Mangnall's +Questions." She knew every date in the history of Paflagonia, and +every other country. She knew French, English, Italian, German, +Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian, Samothracian, Aegean, +and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was a most accomplished young +creature; and her governess and lady-in-waiting was the severe +Countess Gruffanuff. + +Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have +been a person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should +have thought her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree +reaching as far back as the Deluge. But this lady was no better +born than many other ladies who give themselves airs; and all +sensible people laughed at her absurd pretensions. The fact is, +she had been maid-servant to the Queen when her Majesty was only +Princess, and her husband had been head footman; but after his +death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently, this +Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal +mistress, became a favorite with the Queen (who was rather a weak +woman), and her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery +governess to the Princess. + +And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and +accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. +Clever Angelica certainly was, but as IDLE AS POSSIBLE. Play at +sight, indeed! she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that +she had never seen them before; she could answer half a dozen +"Mangnall's Questions;" but then you must take care to ask the +RIGHT ones. As for her languages, she had masters in plenty, but I +doubt whether she knew more than a few phrases in each, for all her +presence; and as for her embroidery and her drawing, she showed +beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM? + +This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever +so far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK. + + +III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY +GRAND PERSONAGES BESIDES. + + +Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a +mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy +Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on +which she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of +business or pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. +When she was young, and had been first taught the art of conjuring +by the necromancer, her father, she was always practicing her +skill, whizzing about from one kingdom to another upon her black +stick, and conferring her fairy favors upon this Prince or that. +She had scores of royal godchildren; turned numberless wicked +people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps, boot jacks, +umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; and, in a word, was one of the +most active and officious of the whole college of fairies. + +But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose +Blackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, "What good am +I doing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by +fixing a black pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds +and pearls to drop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and +toads from another's? I begin to think I do as much harm as good +by my performances. I might as well shut my incantations up, and +allow things to take their natural course. + +"There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and Duke +Padella's wife: I gave them each a present, which was to render +them charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the +affection of those gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did +my Rose and my Ring do these two women? None on earth. From +having all their whims indulged by their husbands, they became +capricious, lazy, ill-humored, absurdly vain, and leered and +languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly beautiful, when +they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous creatures! +They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them a visit-- +ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the +necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all +their diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my rod!" +So she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined further +magical performances, and scarcely used her wand at all except as a +cane to walk about with. + +So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at that +time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick, +although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; +but merely sent her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, +which was really not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time +the Queen of Paflagonia presented his Majesty with a son and heir; +and guns were fired, the capital illuminated, and no end of feasts +ordained to celebrate the young Prince's birth. It was thought the +fairy, who was asked to be his godmother, would at least have +presented him with an invisible jacket, a flying horse, a +Fortunatus's purse, or some other valuable token of her favor; but +instead, Blackstick went up to the cradle of the child Giglio, when +everybody was admiring him and complimenting his royal papa and +mamma, and said, "My poor child, the best thing I can send you is a +little MISFORTUNE;" and this was all she would utter, to the disgust +of Giglio's parents, who died very soon after, when Giglio's uncle +took the throne, as we read in Chapter I. + +In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a +christening of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who +had been invited, was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's +case. Whilst everybody was expatiating over the beauty of the +darling child, and congratulating its parents, the Fairy Blackstick +looked very sadly at the baby and its mother, and said, "My good +woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and no more minded a Queen +than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these people who are following +you will be the first to turn against you; and as for this little +lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE." So +she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the +courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed +slowly up into the air out of the window. + +When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent +in her presence, began to speak. "What an odious Fairy she is" +(they said)--"a pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of +Paflagonia's christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things +for that family; and what has happened--the Prince, her godson, has +been turned off his throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet +Princess to be deprived of her rights by any enemy? Never, never, +never, never!" + +And they all shouted in a chorus, "Never, never, never, never!" + +Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show +their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella +just mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise +his rebellious subject. "Any one rebel against our beloved and +august Monarch!" cried the courtiers; "any one resist HIM? Pooh! +He is invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a +prisoner, and tie him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the +town, saying, 'This is the way the Great Cavolfiore treats +rebels.'" + +The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who +was a very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that +I am sorry to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to +take care of the dear little Rosalba. Of course they said they +would. Of course they vowed they would die rather than any harm +should happen to the Princess. At first the Crim Tartar Court +Journal stated that the King was obtaining great victories over the +audacious rebel: then it was announced that the troops of the +infamous Padella were in flight: then it was said that the royal +army would soon come up with the enemy, and then--then the news +came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain by his Majesty, +King Padella the First! + +At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the +conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all +the best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left +there quite alone--quite alone: she toddled from one room to +another, crying, "Countess! Duchess!" (only she said "Tountess, +Duttess," not being able to speak plain) "bring me my mutton-sop; +my Royal Highness hungy! Tountess! Duttess!" And she went from +the private apartments into the throne-room and nobody was there;-- +and thence into the ballroom and nobody was there;--and thence into +the pages' room and nobody was there; --and she toddled down the +great staircase into the hall and nobody was there;--and the door +was open, and she went into the court, and into the garden, and +thence into the wilderness, and thence into the forest where the +wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more! + +A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the +wood in the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a +royal hunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over +Crim Tartary. "So the poor little Princess is done for," said he; +"well, what's done can't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to +luncheon!" And one of the courtiers took up the shoe and put it in +his pocket. And there was an end of Rosalba! + + +IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S +CHRISTENING. + + +When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not +ask the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders +to their porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This +porter's name was Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post +by their Royal Highnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, +who could say "Not at home" to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor +with a rudeness which frightened most such persons away. He was +the husband of that Countess whose picture we have just seen, and +as long as they were together they quarrelled from morning till +night. Now this fellow tried his rudeness once too often, as you +shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming to call upon the +Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the open drawing- +room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made the most +ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam the door in the Fairy's +face! "Git away, hold Blackstick!" said he. "I tell you, Master +and Missis ain't at home to you;" and he was, as we have said, +GOING to slam the door. + +But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and +Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most +abominable way, and asking the Fairy "whether she thought he was +a-going to stay at that there door hall day?" + +"You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for +many a long year," the Fairy said, very majestically; and +Gruffanuff, coming out of the door, straddling before it with his +great calves, burst out laughing, and cried, "Ha, ha, ha! this IS a +good un! Ha--ah--what's this? Let me down--oh--o--h'm!" and then +he was dumb! + +For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising +off the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if +a screw ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and +was pinned to the door; and then his arms flew up over his head; +and his legs, after writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; +and he felt cold, cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into +metal; and he said, "Oh--o--h'm!" and could say no more, because he +was dumb. + +He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He +was neither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed +to the door in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red- +hot; and there he was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter +nights, till his brass nose was dropping with icicles. And the +postman came and rapped at him, and the vulgarest boy with a letter +came and hit him up against the door. And the King and Queen +(Princess and Prince they were then) coming home from a walk that +evening, the King said, "Hullo, my dear! you have had a new knocker +put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter in the face! +What has become of that boozy vagabond?" And the housemaid came +and scrubbed his nose with sand-paper; and once, when the Princess +Angelica's little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid- +glove; and, another night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench +him off, and put him to the most excruciating agony with a turn +screw. And then the Queen had a fancy to have the color of the +door altered; and the painters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, +and nearly choked him, as they painted him pea-green. I warrant he +had leisure to repent of having been rude to the Fairy Blackstick! + + +As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always +guzzling beer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with +his wife, and in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run +away from all these evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. +And when the Prince and Princess chose to become King and Queen, +they left their old house, and nobody thought of the porter any +more. + + +V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID. + + +One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she +was walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the +governess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet +complexion from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to +feed the swans and ducks in the royal pond. + +They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to +them such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair +blowing about her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had +not been washed or combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit +of a cloak, and had only one shoe on. + +"You little wretch, who let you in here?" asked Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +"Div me dat bun," said the little girl, "me vely hungy." + +"Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child +the bun. + +"Oh, Princess!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff, "how good, how kind, how +truly angelical you are! See, Your Majesties," she said to the +King and Queen, who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince +Giglio, "how kind the Princess is! She met this little dirty +wretch in the garden--I can't tell how she came in here, or why the +guards did not shoot her dead at the gate!--and the dear darling of +a Princess has given her the whole of her bun!" + +"I didn't want it," said Angelica. + +"But you are a darling little angel all the same," says the +governess. + +"Yes; I know I am," said Angelica. "Dirty little girl, don't you +think I am very pretty?" Indeed, she had on the finest of little +dresses and hats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really +looked very well. + +"Oh, pooty, pooty!" says the little girl, capering about, laughing, +and dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to +sing, "O what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!" +At which, and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and +Queen began to laugh very merrily. + +"I can dance as well as sing," says the little girl. "I can dance, +and I can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting." And she ran to a +flower-bed, and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and +other flowers, made herself a little wreath, and danced before the +King and Queen so drolly and prettily, that everybody was delighted. + +"Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?" said +the Queen. + +The little girl said, "Little lion was my brudder; great big +lioness my mudder; neber heard of any udder." And she capered away +on her one shoe, and everybody was exceedingly diverted. + +So Angelica said to the Queen, "Mamma, my parrot flew away +yesterday out of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my +toys; and I think this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I +will take her home, and give her some of my old frocks--" + +"Oh, the generous darling!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff. + +"--Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of," +Angelica went on; "and she shall be my little maid. Will you come +home with me, little dirty girl?" + +The child clapped her hands, and said, "Go home with you--yes! You +pooty Princess! Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!" + +And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace, +where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the +Princess's frocks given to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, +almost. Not that Angelica ever thought so; for this little lady +never imagined that anybody in the world could be as pretty, as +good, or as clever as herself. In order that the little girl +should not become too proud and conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her +old ragged mantle and one shoe, and put them into a glass box, with +a card laid upon them, upon which was written, "These were the old +clothes in which little BETSINDA was found when the great goodness +and admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica +received this little outcast." And the date was added, and the box +locked up. + +For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite with the Princess, +and she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her +mistress. But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a +little dog, and afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda +any more, who became very melancholy and quiet, and sang no more +funny songs, because nobody cared to hear her. And then, as she +grew older, she was made a little lady's-maid to the Princess; and +though she had no wages, she worked and mended, and put Angelica's +hair in papers, and was never cross when scolded, and was always +eager to please her mistress, and was always up early and to bed +late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became a perfect little +maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess came out, +Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her dresses +better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways. +Whilst the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and +watch them; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learning; +for she was always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened +to the wise professors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the +next ball. And when the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned +along with Angelica; and when the music-master came, she watched +him, and practiced the Princess's pieces when Angelica was away at +balls and parties; and when the drawing-master came, she took note +of all he said and did; and the same with French, Italian, and all +other languages--she learned them from the teacher who came to +Angelica. When the Princess was going out of an evening she would +say, "My good Betsinda, you may as well finish what I have begun." +"Yes, miss," Betsinda would say, and sit down very cheerful, not to +FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it. + +For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us +say, and when it was begun it was something like this: + +But when it was done, the warrior was like this:--(only handsomer +still if possible), and the Princess put her name to the drawing; +and the Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, +admired the picture of all things, and said, "Was there ever a +genius like Angelica?" So, I am sorry to say, was it with the +Princess's embroidery and other accomplishments; and Angelica +actually believed that she did these things herself, and received +all the flattery of the Court as if every word of it was true. +Thus she began to think that there was no young woman in all the +world equal to herself, and that no young man was good enough for +her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of these praises, she was +not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, good-natured +girl, she was only too anxious to do everything which might give +her mistress pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelica had +faults of her own, and was by no means such a wonder of wonders as +people represented Her Royal Highness to be. + + +VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF. + + +And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the +reigning monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in +page seven, that as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good +horse to ride, and money in his pocket, or rather to take out of +his pocket, for he was very good-natured, my young Prince did not +care for the loss of his crown and sceptre, being a thoughtless +youth, not much inclined to politics or any kind of learning. So +his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not learn classics or +mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia, SQUARETOSO, +pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got to +study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other +hand, the King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt +pupil; the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and +assiduous scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the +most flattering reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of +the Tennis Court; and as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing- +master, the VALIANT and VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed +that since he ran the General of Crim Tartary, the dreadful +Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had encountered so expert a +swordsman as Prince Giglio. + +I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the +Prince and Princess walking together in the palace garden, and +because Giglio kissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the +first place they are cousins; next, the Queen is walking in the +garden too (you cannot see her, for she happens to be behind that +tree), and her Majesty always wished that Angelica and Giglio +should marry: so did Giglio: so did Angelica sometimes, for she +thought her cousin very handsome, brave, and good-natured: but then +you know she was so clever and knew so many things, and poor Giglio +knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they looked at the +stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once, when on +a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica said, +"There is the Bear." "Where?" says Giglio. "Don't be afraid, +Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill them rather than they +shall hurt you." "Oh, you silly creature!" says she; "you are very +good, but you are not very wise." When they looked at the flowers, +Giglio was utterly unacquainted with botany, and had never heard of +Linnaeus. When the butterflies passed, Giglio knew nothing about +them, being as ignorant of entomology as I am of algebra. So you +see, Angelica, though she liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on +account of his ignorance. I think she probably valued HER OWN +LEARNING rather too much; but to think too well of one's self is +the fault of people of all ages and both sexes. Finally, when +nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousin well enough. + +King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of +good dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook +Marmitonio), that it was supposed he could not live long. Now the +idea of anything happening to the King struck the artful Prime +Minister and the designing old lady-in-waiting with terror. For, +thought Glumboso and the Countess, "when Prince Giglio marries his +cousin and comes to the throne, what a pretty position we shall be +in, whom he dislikes, and who have always been unkind to him. We +shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff will have to give +up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and watches which +belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will be forced +to refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred +and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince +Giglio by his poor dear father." + +So the Lady of Honor and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because +they had done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a +hundred cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the +King, Queen, and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that +he could not spell the commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso +Valloroso, and spelt Angelica with two l's; how he drank a great +deal too much wine at dinner, and was always idling in the stables +with the grooms; how he owed ever so much money at the pastry- +cook's and the haberdasher's; how he used to go to sleep at church; +how he was fond of playing cards with the pages. So did the Queen +like playing cards; so did the King go to sleep at church, and eat +and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed a trifle for tarts, who +owed him two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine hundred +and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds, +thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should like to know? +Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had much better +look at HOME. All this backbiting and slandering had effect upon +Princess Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then to +laugh at him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at +him for having vulgar associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and +so forth, to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite +ill, took to his bed, and sent for the doctor. + +His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for +disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask +why?--I beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer +them to Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John +disliked Prince Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded +aunt, when Giglio was out of sight he was out of mind. While she +had her whist and her evening parties, she cared for little else. + +I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor +Pildrafto, the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he +only bled and physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to +his room for several months, and grew as thin as a post. + +Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of +Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who +was Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's +neighbor. Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted +with his works; for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and +Glumboso good-humored in his pictures. "He flatters very much," +some people said. "Nay!" says Princess Angelica, "I am above +flattery, and I think he did not make my picture handsome enough. +I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustly cried down, and I +hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his Order of the +Cucumber." + +The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal +Highness could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking +lessons was absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it +was wonderful, AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful +pictures she made! Some of the performances were engraved for the +"Book of Beauty:" others were sold for enormous sums at Charity +Bazaars. She wrote the SIGNATURES under the drawings, no doubt, +but I think I know who did the pictures--this artful painter, who +had come with other designs on Angelica than merely to teach her to +draw. + +One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in +armor, with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an +expression at once melancholy and interesting. + +"Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?" asked the Princess. "I never +saw anyone so handsome," says Countess Gruffanuff (the old humbug). + +"That," said the painter, "that, Madam, is the portrait of my +august young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim +Tartary, Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and +Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the Order +of the Pumpkin glittering on his manly breast, and received by His +Royal Highness from his august father, his Majesty King PADELLA I., +for his gallantry at the battle of Rimbombamento, when he slew with +his own princely hand the King of Ograria and two hundred and +eleven giants of the two hundred and eighteen who formed the King's +bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed by the brave Crim Tartar +army after an obstinate combat, in which the Crim Tartars suffered +severely." + +"What a Prince!" thought Angelica: "so brave--so calm-looking--so +young--what a hero!" + +"He is as accomplished as he is brave," continued the Court +Painter. "He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: +plays every instrument: composes operas which have been acted a +thousand nights running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, +and danced in a ballet there before the King and Queen; in which he +looked so beautiful, that his cousin, the lovely daughter of the +King of Circassia, died for love of him." + +"Why did he not marry the poor Princess?" asked Angelica, with a +sigh. + +"Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid +these unions," said the Painter. "And, besides, the young Prince +had given his royal heart ELSEWHERE." + +"And to whom?" asked Her Royal Highness. + +"I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name," answered the +Painter. + +"But you may tell me the first letter of it," gasped out the +Princess. + +"That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess," said Lorenzo. + +"Does it begin with a Z?" asked Angelica. + +The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then +a W, and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet. + +When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when +she came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when +she came to B, AND IT WASN'T B, "Oh dearest Gruffanuff," she said, +"lend me your smelling-bottle!" and, hiding her head in the +Countess's shoulder, she faintly whispered, "Ah, Signor, can it be +A?" + +"It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell +Your Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, +devotedly, rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait," says +this slyboots: and leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew +a curtain which was before it. + +O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw +her own face! + + +VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL. + + +The Court Painter of his Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned +to that monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches +which he had made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, +my dears, that the name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the +most charming of all his pieces was a portrait of the Princess +Angelica, which all the Crim Tartar nobles came to see. With this +work the King was so delighted, that he decorated the Painter with +his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth class) and the artist became Sir +Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth. + +King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, +besides a handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, +and principal nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the +fashion, to the perfect rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, +where the King used to point to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, which +Sir Tomaso had left behind him, and say "Which among you can paint +a picture like that?" + +It hung in the royal parlor over the royal sideboard, and Princess +Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each +day it seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess +grew so fond of looking at it, that she would often spill the tea +over the cloth, at which her father and mother would wink and wag +their heads; and say to each other, "Aha! we see how things are +going." + +In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber, +though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good +young lad: as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma +sends for the medical man. And the only person who visited Giglio +(besides his friend the captain of the guard, who was almost always +busy or on parade), was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to +do his bedroom and sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm +his bed. + +When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, +Prince Giglio used to say, "Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess +Angelica?" + +And Betsinda used to answer, "The Princess is very well, thank you, +my Lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, "If Angelica +were sick, I am sure I should not be very well." + +Then Giglio would say, "Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked +for me today?" And Betsinda would answer, "No, my Lord, not +today"; or, "She was very busy practicing the piano when I saw +her"; or, "She was writing invitations for an evening party, and +did not speak to me"; or make some excuse or other, not strictly +consonant with truth: for Betsinda was such a good-natured creature +that she strove to do everything to prevent annoyance to Prince +Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and jellies from the +kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was getting +better), saying, "that the Princess had made the jelly, or the +bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio." + +When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately; +and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the +chicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's +nose, and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much +better the next day, that he dressed and went downstairs--where, +whom should he meet but Angelica going into the drawing-room? All +the covers were off the chairs, the chandeliers taken out of the +bags, the damask curtains uncovered, the work and things carried +away, and the handsomest albums on the tables. Angelica had her +hair in papers: in a word, it was evident there was going to be a +party. + +"Heavens, Giglio!" cries Angelica: "YOU here in such a dress! What +a figure you are!" + +"Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today, +thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY." + +"What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in +that rude way?" says Angelica. + +"Why, didn't--didn't you send them, Angelica dear?" says Giglio. + +"I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear," says she, +mocking him, "I was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His +Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my +papa's Court a visit." + +"The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary!" Giglio said, aghast. + +"Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica, mocking him. "I +dare say you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear +of? You don't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on +the Black Sea, I dare say." + +"Yes, I do: it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio; at which the +Princess burst out laughing at him, and said, "Oh, you ninny! You +are so ignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know +nothing but about horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a +mess-room with my Royal Father's heaviest dragoons. Don't look so +surprised at me, sir: go and put your best clothes on to receive +the Prince, and let me get the drawing-room ready." + +Giglio said, "Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. +THIS wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I +gave you mine in the garden, and you gave me that k--" + +But what k-- was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, +cried, "Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind +me of your rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, +there, sir--there!" And she flung it out of the window. + +"It was my mother's marriage-ring," cried Giglio. + +"I don't care whose marriage-ring it was," cries Angelica. "Marry +the person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. +And give me back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast +about the things they give away! I know who'll give me much finer +things than you ever gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth +five shillings!" + +Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her +was a fairy ring; if a man wore it, it made all the women in love +with him; if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's +mother, quite an ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely +whilst she wore this ring, and her husband was frantic when she was +ill. But when she called her little Giglio to her, and put the +ring on his finger, King Savio did not seem to care for his wife so +much any more, but transferred all his love to little Giglio. So +did everybody love him as long as he had the ring; but when, as +quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began to love and +admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second +fiddle. + +"Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. "I +know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little +pearl nonsense." + +"Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!" says Giglio, +his eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been +suddenly opened, he cried out, "Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS +the woman I have been in love with all my life? Have I been such a +ninny as to throw away my regard upon you? Why--actually--yes--you +are a little crooked!" + +"Oh, you wretch!" cries Angelica. + +"And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little." + +"Eh!" cries Angelica. + +"And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and +what? you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the +other!" + +"You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed out: and as she +seized the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three +smacks on the face, and would have pulled the hair off his head had +he not started laughing, and crying, + +"Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might +remove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or +pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! he he he!" + +And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; +when, with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count +Gambabella, the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, "Royal +Highnesses! Their Majesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, +where they await the arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY." + + +VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO +CAME TO COURT. + + +Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: +everybody was ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the +footmen had their gala liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; +the Guards their last new tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may +be sure, was glad of an opportunity of decorating HER old person +with her finest things. She was walking through the court of the +Palace on her way to wait upon their Majesties, when she espied +something glittering on the pavement, and bade the boy in buttons +who was holding up her train, to go and pick up the article shining +yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the late groom- +porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him; and yet, +when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was +carrying it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little +cupid. He gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing +enough, but too small for any of her old knuckles, so she put it +into her pocket. + +"Oh, mum!" says the boy, looking at her "how--how beyoutiful you do +look, mum, to-day, mum!" + +"And you, too, Jacky," she was going to say; but, looking down at +him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only the +carroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is +welcome from the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding +the boy hold up her train, walked on in high good-humor. The +Guards saluted her with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the +anteroom, said, "My dear madam, you look like an angel today." And +so, bowing and smirking, Gruffanuff went in and took her place +behind her Royal Master and Mistress, who were in the throne-room, +awaiting the Prince of Crim Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at +their feet, and behind the King's chair stood Prince Giglio, +looking very savage. + +The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron +Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying +the most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his +travelling costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in +disorder. "I have ridden three hundred miles since breakfast," +said he, "so eager was I to behold the Prin--the Court and august +family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait one minute before +appearing in Your Majesties' presences." + +Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of +contemptuous laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so +flurried, that they did not hear this little outbreak. "Your R. H. +is welcome in any dress," says the King. "Glumboso, a chair for +His Royal Highness." + +"Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court-dress," says +Princess Angelica, smiling graciously. + +"Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said the Prince. "I +should have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought +them. Who's that laughing?" + +It was Giglio laughing. "I was laughing," he said, "because you +said just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, +that you could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you +come in those clothes because you have no others." + +"And who are you?" says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely. + +"My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, +Prince!" replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness. + +"Ha!" said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the +former, collecting himself, said, "Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to +introduce to Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness +Prince Giglio! Know each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give +His Royal Highness your hand!" and Giglio, giving his hand, +squeezed poor Bulbo's until the tears ran out of his eyes. +Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal visitor, and placed it +on the platform on which the King, Queen, and Prince were seated; +but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and as Bulbo sat +down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and over, and +bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this +disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court when +Prince Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he +appeared not very ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a +moment he looked so exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody +could help laughing at him. When he had entered the room, he was +observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it as he +tumbled. + +"My rose! my rose!" cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed +forwards and picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in +his waistcoat. Then people wondered why they had laughed; there +was nothing particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, +rather stout, rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a Prince, not so +bad. + +So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim +Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable +with Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such +tender eyes, that her heart was all in a flutter. "Oh, dear +Prince," she said, "how could you speak so haughtily in presence of +Their Majesties? I protest I thought I should have fainted." + +"I should have caught you in my arms," said Giglio, looking +raptures. + +"Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?" says Gruff. + +"Because I hate him," says Gil. + +"You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica," cries +Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes. + +"I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "I despise her! +Were she heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her +and scorn her. But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am +too weak to recover it--I am alone, and have no friend." + +"Oh, say not so, dear Prince!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Besides," says he, "I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE, that I +would not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!" + +"What are you two people chattering about there?" says the Queen, +who was rather good-natured, though not over-burthened with wisdom. +"It is time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his +room. Prince, if your clothes have not come, we shall be very +happy to see you as you are." But when Prince Bulbo got to his +bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; and the hairdresser +coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own satisfaction; and +when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal company had not to wait above +five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo appeared, during which time the +King, who could not bear to wait, grew as sulky as possible. As +for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all this time, but stood +with her in the embrasure of a window, paying her compliments. At +length the Groom of the Chambers announced His Royal Highness the +Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into the royal +dining-room. It was quite a small party; only the King and Queen, +the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess +Gruffanuff, Glumboso the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's +chamberlain. You may be sure they had a very good dinner--let +every boy or girl think of what he or she likes best, and fancy it +on the table.* + + +* Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying +what they like best for dinner. + + +The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of +Crimea, who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes +off his plate, except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a +quantity of stuffing and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only +burst out a-laughing as the Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front +and face with his scented pocket-handkerchief. He did not make +Prince Bulbo any apology. When the Prince looked at him, Giglio +would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo said, "Prince Giglio, +may I have the honor of taking a glass of wine with you?" Giglio +WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for Countess +Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's +attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting +her, he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was +always tapping him with her fan, and saying, "Oh, you satirical +Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will hear!" "Well, I don't mind," +says Giglio, louder still. The King and Queen luckily did not +hear; for her Majesty was a little deaf, and the King thought so +much about his own dinner, and, besides, made such a dreadful +noise, hob-gobbling in eating it, that he heard nothing else. +After dinner, his Majesty and the Queen went to sleep in their arm- +chairs. + +This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, +plying that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, +marsala, cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo +drank without stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged +to drink himself, and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good +for him, so that the young men were very noisy, rude, and foolish +when they joined the ladies after dinner; and dearly did they pay +for that imprudence, as now, my darlings, you shall hear! + +Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and +singing, and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the +footman brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked +absurdly, and fell asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty +pig! But as he lay there stretched on the pink satin sofa, +Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most beautiful of +human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused this +infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the first young woman +who has thought a silly fellow charming? + +Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too, every +moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous +compliments to her:--There never was such a darling. Older than he +was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry her--he would, have nothing +but her! + +To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful +hussy actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, "This is to +give notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, +hereby promise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda +Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, +Esq." + +"What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?" says Giglio, who +was lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table. + +"Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and +blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen +are both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do." + +So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed +the order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may +fancy what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of +the room before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the +RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom +she thought a brute, for depriving her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! +And when candles came, and she had helped to undress the Queen and +Princess, she went into her own room, and actually practiced on a +sheet of paper, "Griselda Paflagonia," "Barbara Regina," "Griselda +Barbara, Paf. Reg.," and I don't know what signatures besides, +against the day when she should be Queen forsooth! + + +IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN. + + +Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the +Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented +Betsinda. "Betsinda!" she said, "you dressed my hair very nicely +today; I promised you a little present. Here are five sh--no, here +is a pretty little ring, that I picked--that I have had some time." +And she gave Betsinda the ring she had picked up in the court. It +fitted Betsinda exactly. + +"It's like the ring the Princess used to wear," says the maid. + +"No such thing," says Gruffanuff, "I have had it this ever so long. +There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold +night (the snow was beating in at the window), you may go and warm +dear Prince Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip +my green silk, and then you can just do me up a little cap for the +morning, and then you can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and +then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea +at five o'clock in the morning." + +"I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am," +says Betsinda. + +Gruffanuff, for reply, said, "Hau-au-ho!--Grau-haw-hoo!--Hong- +hrho!" In fact, she was snoring sound asleep. + +Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess +is next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the +kitchen, and filled the royal warming-pan. + +Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must +have been something very captivating about her this evening, for +all the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. +The housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper- +housemaid asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it +was quite improper! The cook (for there was a woman-cook as well +as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that SHE never could see +anything in that creetur: but as for the men, every one of them, +Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim +Tartary's valet, started up, and said-- + +"My eyes! } +"O mussey! } what a pretty girl Betsinda is!" +"O jemmany! } +"O ciel! } + +"Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!" +says Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the +young gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to +Prince Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's +room. + +He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, "O! O! +O! O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You angel-- +you Peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, too! Fly +to the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me +with its dark blue eye that had eyes like thine. Thou nymph of +beauty, take, take this young heart. A truer never did itself +sustain within a soldier's waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be +Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father will approve our union; +and, as for that little carroty-haired Angelica, I do not care a +fig for her any more." + +"Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please," said +Betsinda, with the warming-pan. + +But Bulbo said, "No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou +lovely, blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal +Bulbo lies, the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes." + +And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that +Betsinda, who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming- +pan, which, I promise you, made him cry "O-o-o-o!" in a very +different manner. + +Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him +from the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as +he saw what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, +kicked him in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on +kicking him till his hair was quite out of curl. + +Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking +certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When +Giglio had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst +he went into a corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio +does? He goes down on his own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, +begs her to accept his heart, and offers to marry her that moment. +Fancy Betsinda's condition, who had been in love with the Prince +ever since she first saw him in the palace garden, when she was +quite a little child. + +"Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the Prince, "how have I lived fifteen +years in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in +all Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it +is not yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? +Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. +Thou art the real Angelica, because thou art really angelic." + +"Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid," says Betsinda, looking, +however, very much pleased. + +"Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?" +continues Giglio. "Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and +bring me jelly and roast chicken?" + +"Yes, dear Prince, I did," says Betsinda, "and I sewed Your Royal +Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal +Highness," cries this artless maiden. + +When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, +heard this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which +she flung upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore +quantities of hair out of his head, till it all covered the room +like so much tow. + +Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes +were going on with their conversation, and as they began now to +quarrel and be very fierce with one another, she thought proper to +run away. + +"You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner +there; of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting +Betsinda. YOU dare to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and +kiss her hand!" + +"She's not Princess Giglio!" roars out Bulbo. "She shall be +Princess Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo." + +"You are engaged to my cousin!" bellows out Giglio. + +"I hate your cousin," says Bulbo. + +"You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!" cries Giglio in +a fury. + +"I'll have your life." + +"I'll run you through." + +"I'll cut your throat." + +"I'll blow your brains out." + +"I'll knock your head off." + +"I'll send a friend to you in the morning." + +'I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon." + +"We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; +and seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, +Betsinda had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see +on the landing but his Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called +by all sorts of fond names. His Majesty had heard a row in the +building, so he stated, and smelling something burning, had come +out to see what the matter was. + +"It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir," says Betsinda. + +"Charming chambermaid," says the King (like all the rest of them), +"never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged +autocrat, who has been considered not ill-looking in his time." + +"Oh, sir! what will her Majesty say?" cries Betsinda. + +"Her Majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her Majesty be hanged. Am I +not Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, +hangmen--ha? Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks +to sew up wives withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine +own,--your mistress straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the +sharer of my heart and throne." + +When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect +usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked +down the King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took +to his heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the +Queen, Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. +Fancy their feelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign, +in this posture! + + +X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION. + + +As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself +and stood up. "Ho! my captain of the guards!" his Majesty +exclaimed, stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! +the King's nose was bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince +Giglio! His Majesty ground his teeth with rage. "Hedzoff," he +said, taking a death-warrant out of his dressing-gown pocket, +"Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince. Thou'lt find him in +his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with sacrilegious hand, +to strike the sacred night-cap of a king--Hedzoff, and floor me +with a warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies! See it +be done, or else,--h'm--ha!--h'm! mind thine own eyes!" And +followed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing- +gown, the King entered his own apartment. + +Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for +Giglio. "Poor, poor Giglio!" he said, the tears rolling over his +manly face, and dripping down his moustachios; "my noble young +Prince, is it my hand must lead thee to death?" + +"Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff," said a female voice. It was +Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard +the noise. "The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang +the Prince." + +"I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever +man. + +"You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince," says Gruffanuff. + +"No; he didn't say which, certainly," said Hedzoff. + +"Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!" + +When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy. +"Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he. "Prince Bulbo's head +will do capitally;" and he went to arrest the Prince the very first +thing next morning. + +He knocked at the door. "Who's there?" says Bulbo. "Captain +Hedzoff? Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; +I have been expecting you." + +"Have you?" says Hedzoff. + +"Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me," says the Prince. + +"I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for +yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz." + +The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. "Of +course, Captain," says he, "you are come about that affair with +Prince Giglio?" + +"Precisely," says Hedzoff, "that affair of Prince Giglio." + +"Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?" asks Bulbo. "I'm a +pretty good hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure +as my name is My Royal Highness Prince Bulbo." + +"There's some mistake, my Lord," says the Captain. "The business +is done with AXES among us." + +"Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my Chamberlain, +he'll be my second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll +see Master Giglio's head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry +for his blood Hoo-oo--aw!" and he looked as savage as an ogre. + +"I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you +prisoner, and hand you over to--to the executioner." + +"Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say,--ho!--hulloa!" was all +that this luckless Prince was enabled to say: for Hedzoff's guards +seizing him, tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and +carried him to the place of execution. + +The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and +took a pinch of snuff and said, "So much for Giglio. Now let's go +to breakfast." + +The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, +with the fatal order, + + +"AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD. + +"VALOROSO XXIV." + + +"It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the +business in the least. + +"Poo--poo--pooh," says the Sheriff. "Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. +Jack Ketch!" + +And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a +block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be +wanted. + +But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda. + + +XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA. + + +Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew +that Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, +and went to devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as +the silly old thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking +up and down the garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER +and WINDA were all he could find), and indeed having forgotten all +about the past evening, except that Betsinda was the most lovely of +beings. + +"Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff. + +"Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical. + +"I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. +You must fly the country for a while." + +"What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, +Countess," says Giglio. + +"No, she will accompany you, dear Prince," she says, in her most +coaxing accents. "First, we must get the jewels belonging to our +royal parents, and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is +the key, duck; they are all yours, you know, by right, for you are +the rightful King of Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful +Queen." + +"Will she?" says Giglio. + +"Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where, +under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount +of L217,000,000,987,439, 13s. 6-1/2d., all belonging to you, for he +took it out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. +With this we will fly." + +"WE will fly?" says Giglio. + +"Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!" says +the Countess, with a languishing leer. + +"YOU my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you hideous old woman!" + +"Oh, you--you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising +marriage?" cries Gruff. + +"Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!" +And in a fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could. + +"He! he! he!" shrieks out Gruff; "a promise is a promise if there +are laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that +fiend, that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that ingrate, +that beast, Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty +in discovering her whereabouts. He may look very long before +finding HER, I warrant. He little knows that Miss Betsinda is--" + + +Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in +winter's morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead +of finding her in a good humor, found Gruffy as cross as two +sticks. The Countess boxed Betsinda's ears half a dozen times +whilst she was dressing; but as poor little Betsinda was used to +this kind of treatment, she did not feel any special alarm. "And +now," says she, "when her Majesty rings her bell twice, I'll +trouble you, miss, to attend." + +So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to her Majesty +and made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and +Gruffanuff were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her +they began, + +"You wretch!" says the Queen. + +"You little vulgar thing!" says the Princess. + +"You beast!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Get out of my sight!" says the Queen. + +"Go away with you, do!" says the Princess. + +"Quit the premises!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Alas! and woe is me!" very lamentable events had occurred to +Betsinda that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal +warming-pan business of the previous night. The King had offered +to marry her; of course her Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo +had fallen in love with her; of course Angelica was furious: Giglio +was in love with her, and oh, what a fury Gruffy was in! + + { cap } +"Take off that {petticoat} I gave you," they said, all at once, + { gown } + +and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda. + + { the King?" } +"How dare you flirt with {Prince Bulbo?" } cried the Queen, the + {Prince Giglio?"} Princess, and Countess. + +"Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn +her out of it!" cries the Queen. + +"Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so +kindly," says the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were +a great deal too big for Betsinda. + +"Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and taking up the Queen's poker, +the cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room. + +The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's +old cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, "Take those rags, +you little beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to +honest people, and go about your business"; and she actually tore +off the poor little delicate thing's back almost all her things, +and told her to be off out of the house. + +Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were +embroidered the letters PRIN. . . . ROSAL . . and then came a great +rent. + +As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey +sandal? The string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck. + +"Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if +you please, mum?" cried the poor child. + +"No, you wicked beast!" says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the +poker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through the +cold hall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the +knocker itself shed tears to see her! + +But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and +she wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone! + + +"And now let us think about breakfast," says the greedy Queen. + +"What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the pea-green?" says +Angelica. "Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?" + +"Mrs. V.!" sings out the King from his dressing-room, "let us have +sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with +us!" + +And they all went to get ready. + +Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no +Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins +were smoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was +a pot of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and +tongue on the side-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the +sausages. Oh, how nice they smelt! + +"Where is Bulbo?" said the King. "John, where is His Royal +Highness?" + +John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and +his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed +His Royliness was just stepped hout. + +"Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!" says the +King, sticking his fork into a sausage. "My dear, take one. +Angelica, won't you have a saveloy?" The Princess took one, being +very fond of them; and at this moment Glumboso entered with Captain +Hedzoff, both looking very much disturbed. + +"I am afraid Your Majesty--" cries Glumboso. + +"No business before breakfast, Glum!" says the King." Breakfast +first, business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!" + +"Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too +late," says Glumboso. "He--he--he'll be hanged at half-past nine." + +"Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, +vulgar man you," cries the Princess. "John, some mustard. Pray +who is to be hanged?" + +"Sire, it is the Prince," whispers Glumboso to the King. + +"Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!" says his +Majesty, quite sulky. + +"We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it," says the Minister. "His +father, King Padella. . . ." + +"His father, King WHO?" says the King. "King Padella is not +Giglio's father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father." + +"It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio," says +the Prime Minister. + +"You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one," says +Hedzoff. "I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to +murder your own flesh and blood!" + +The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's +head. The Princess cried out "Hee-karee-karee!" and fell down in a +fainting fit. + +"Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness," said the King, +and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at +his watch, compared it by the clock in the parlor, and by that of +the church in the square opposite; then he wound it up; then he +looked at it again. "The great question is," says he, "am I fast +or am I slow? If I'm slow, we may as well go on with breakfast. +If I'm fast, why, there is just the possibility of saving Prince +Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward mistake, and upon my word, Hedzoff, I +have the greatest mind to have you hanged too." + +"Sire, I did but my duty: a soldier has but his orders. I didn't +expect after forty-seven years of faithful service, that my +sovereign would think of putting me to a felon's death!" + +"A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you +are talking my Bulbo is being hung?" screamed the Princess. + +"By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent," says +the King, looking at his watch again. "Ha! there go the drums! +What a doosid awkward thing though!" + +"O, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it," +cries the Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, +and laid them before the King. + +"Confound it! Where are my spectacles?" the Monarch exclaimed. +"Angelica! Go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your +mamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and-- +Well, well! what impetuous things these girls are!" Angelica was +gone, and had run up panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, +and was back again before the King had finished a muffin. "Now, +love," says he, "you must go all the way back for my desk, in which +my spectacles are. If you would but have heard me out. . . . Be +hanged to her! There she is off again. Angelica! ANGELICA!" When +his Majesty called in his LOUD voice, she knew she must obey, and +came back. + +"My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, +SHUT THE DOOR. That's a darling. That's all." At last the keys +and the desk and the spectacles were got, and the King mended his +pen, and signed his name to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as +swift as the wind. "You'd better stay, my love, and finish the +muffins. There's no use going. Be sure it's too late. Hand me +over that raspberry jam, please," said the Monarch. "Bong! +Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it was." + +Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, +and down High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the +left, and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, +and round by the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the +right, opposite the lamp-post, and round the square, and she came-- +she came to the EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his +head on the block!!! The executioner raised his axe, but at that +moment the Princess came panting up and cried Reprieve! "Reprieve!" +screamed the Princess. "Reprieve!" shouted all the people. Up the +scaffold stairs she sprang, with the agility of a lighter of lamps; +and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms, regardless of all ceremony, +she cried out, "Oh, my Prince! my lord! my love! my Bulbo! Thine +Angelica has been in time to save thy precious existence, sweet +rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young bloom! Had aught +befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed death that joined +her to her Bulbo." + +"H'm! there's no accounting for tastes," said Bulbo, looking so +very much puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of +tenderest strain, asked the cause of his disquiet. + +"I tell you what it is, Angelica," said he, "since I came here +yesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and +quarrelling, and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the deuce +to pay, that I am inclined to go back to Crim Tartary." + +"But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is +Crim Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!" + +"Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says Bulbo. "Doctor, +you came to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, +will you? What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and +then, in the name of peace and quietness, do let us go back to +breakfast." + +Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal +ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that +he ought never to part with it. So he had kept it between his +teeth, even when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping +vaguely that some chance would turn up in his favor. As he began +to speak to Angelica, he forgot about the rose, and of course it +dropped out of his mouth. The romantic Princess instantly stooped +and seized it. "Sweet rose!" she exclaimed, "that bloomed upon my +Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part from thee!" and she placed it +in her bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'T ask her to give the rose +back again. And they went to breakfast; and as they walked, it +appeared to Bulbo that Angelica became more exquisitely lovely +every moment. + +He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it +was Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed +her hand, he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she +for her part said she really thought they might wait; it seemed to +her he was not handsome any more--no, not at all, quite the +reverse; and not clever, no, very stupid; and not well bred, like +Giglio; no, on the contrary, dreadfully vul-- + +What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out "POOH, stuff!" in +a terrible voice. "We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! +Call the Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married +offhand!" + +So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will +be happy. + + +XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER. + + +Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town +gates, and so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which +Giglio too was going. "Ah!" thought she, as the diligence passed +her, of which the conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his +horn, "how I should like to be on that coach!" But the coach and +the jingling horses were very soon gone. She little knew who was +in it, though very likely she was thinking of him all the time. + +Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver +being a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along +the road with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He +said he lived on the confines of the forest, where his old father +was a woodman, and, if she liked, he would take her so far on her +road. All roads were the same to little Betsinda, so she very +thankfully took this one. + +And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some +bread and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she +was very cold and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, +evening came, and all the black pines were bending with snow, and +there, at last, was the comfortable light beaming in the woodman's +windows; and so they arrived, and went into his cottage. He was an +old man, and had a number of children, who were just at supper, +with nice hot bread-and-milk, when their elder brother arrived with +the cart. And they jumped and clapped their hands; for they were +good children; and he had brought them toys from the town. And +when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to her, and brought her +to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and brought her bread +and milk. + +"Look, father!" they said to the old woodman, "look at this poor +girl, and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as +our milk! And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like +the bit of velvet that hangs up in our cupboard, and which you +found that day the little cubs were killed by King Padella, in the +forest! And look, why, bless us all! she has got round her neck +just such another little shoe as that you brought home, and have +shown us so often--a little blue velvet shoe!" + +"What," said the old woodman, "what is all this about a shoe and a +cloak?" + +And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little +child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons +who had taken care of her had--had been angry with her, for no +fault, she hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her +old clothes--and here, in fact, she was. She remembered having +been in a forest--and perhaps it was a dream--it was so very odd +and strange--having lived in a cave with lions there; and, before +that, having lived in a very, very fine house, as fine as the +King's, in the town. + +When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite +curious to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and +took out of a stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, +and vowed it was exactly like the young woman. And then he +produced the shoe and piece of velvet which he had kept so long, +and compared them with the things which Betsinda wore. In +Betsinda's little shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to the Royal +Family"; so in the other shoe was written, "Hopkins, maker to the +Royal Family." In the inside of Betsinda's piece of cloak was +embroidered, "PRIN ROSAL"; in the other piece of cloak was +embroidered "CESS BA. NO. 246." So that when put together you +read, "PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246." + +On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying, +"O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of +Crim Tartary,--I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do thee homage!" +And in token of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three +times on the ground, and put the Princess's foot on his head. + +"Why," said she, "my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my +royal father's Court!" For in her lowly retreat, and under the +name of Betsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had +read of the customs of all foreign courts and nations. + +"Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachi +once--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne--ever since the +tyrant Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed +me from my post of First Lord." + +"First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I +mind me! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are +restored to thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second +class of our Order of the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved +for crowned heads alone). Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!" And with +indescribable majesty, the Queen, who had no sword handy, waved the +pewter spoon with which she had been taking her bread-and-milk, +over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose tears absolutely made +a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children went to bed that +night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina, and Ottavia +degli Spinachi! + +The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and NOBLE +FAMILIES of her empire, was wonderful. "The House of Broccoli +should remain faithful to us," she said; "they were ever welcome at +our Court. Have the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the +Rising Sun? The family of Sauerkraut must sure be with us--they +were ever welcome in the halls of King Cavolfiore." And so she +went on enumerating quite a list of the nobility and gentry of Crim +Tartary, so admirably had her Majesty profited by her studies while +in exile. + +The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that +the whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to +return to its rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his +children, who knew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and +that; and when his eldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down +and giving him his supper, came into the house for his own, the +Marquis told him to put his boots on, and a saddle on the mare, and +ride hither and thither to such and such people. + +When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he +too knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed +the ground with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as +everybody now was who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo +and Ubaldo, who punched each other's little heads out of jealousy: +and so, when they came from east and west at the summons of the +Marquis degli Spinachi, were the Crim Tartar Lords who still +remained faithful to the House of Cavolfiore. They were such very +old gentlemen for the most part that her Majesty never suspected +their absurd passion, and went among them quite unaware of the +havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who had +joined her party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear +of making the people too much in love with her, she always wore a +veil. She went about privately, from one nobleman's castle to +another; and they visited among themselves again, and had meetings, +and composed proclamations and counter-proclamations, and +distributed all the best places of the kingdom amongst one another, +and selected who of the opposition party should be executed when +the Queen came to her own. And so in about a year they were ready +to move. + +The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old +fogies for the most part; they went about the country waving their +old swords and flags, and calling "God save the Queen!" and King +Padella happening to be absent upon an invasion, they had their own +way for a little, and to be sure the people were very enthusiastic +whenever they saw the Queen; otherwise the vulgar took matters very +quietly, for they said, as far as they could recollect, they were +pretty well as much taxed in Cavolfiore's time, as now in +Padella's. + + +XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT +HOGGINARMO. + + +Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her +followers Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and +Baronets; and they had a little court for her, and made her a +little crown of gilt paper, and a robe of cotton velvet; and they +quarrelled about the places to be given away in her court, and +about rank and precedence and dignities;--you can't think how they +quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her honors before she +had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes even to be a +lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our respective +stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers. + +We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came +out to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as +the gout of the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice +as many officers as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates +of one of the most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not +declared for the Queen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was +always quarrelling with King Padella. + +When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say +he would wait upon her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and +his name was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong +negroes to carry. He knelt down before her and said, "Madam and +liege lady! it becomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to +show every outward sign of respect to the wearer of the Crown, +whoever that may be. We testify to our own nobility in +acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends the knee to the +first of the aristocracy of his country." + +Rosalba said the bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind; but +she felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes +scowled at her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them. + +"The first Count of the Empire, madam," he went on, "salutes the +Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble +lady! Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my +sword to your service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral +vaults. The third perished but a year since; and this heart pines +for a consort! Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your +bridal table the head of King Padella, the eyes and nose of his son +Prince Bulbo, the right hand and ears of the usurping Sovereign of +Paflagonia, which country shall thenceforth be an appanage to your-- +to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is not accustomed to be denied. +Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility of a refusal; for +frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders; furious the +devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures, +misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if +Hogginarmo's wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's +lovely eyes--their glances fill my soul with rapture!" + +"Oh, sir!" Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. +"Your Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you +that I have a prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of-- +Prince Giglio--and never--never can marry any one but him." + +Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from +the ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his +mouth, from which at the same time issued remarks and language, so +LOUD, VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them! +"R-r-r-r-r-r--Rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo +rejected! All the world shall hear of my rage; and you, madam, you +above all shall rue it!" And kicking the two negroes before him, +he rushed away, his whiskers streaming in the wind. + +Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw +Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, +making footballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the events +justified. They marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crest- +fallen; and in another half-hour they were met by that rapacious +chieftain with a few of his followers, who cut, slashed, charged, +whacked, banged, and pommelled amongst them, took the Queen +prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to I don't know where. + +Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see +her. "Get a horse-van!" he said to his grooms, "clap the hussy +into it, and send her, with my compliments, to his Majesty King +Padella." + +Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of +servile compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for +whose life, and that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG +pretended to offer the most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo +promised speedily to pay his humble homage at his august master's +throne, of which he begged leave to be counted the most loyal and +constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD as King Padella was not to +be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we shall hear presently +how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no; depend on't, +two such rogues do not trust one another. + +So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and +driven along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where +King Padella had now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, +murdered most of them, and brought some of the richest into +captivity with him for the purpose of torturing them and finding +out where they had hidden their money. + +Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she +was thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, +toads, frogs, mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of +horror. No light was let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have +seen her and fallen in love with her, as an owl that lived up in +the roof of the tower did, and a cat, you know, who can see in the +dark, and having set its green eyes on Rosalba, never would be got +to go back to the turnkey's wife to whom it belonged. And the +toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet, and the vipers wound +round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so charming was this +poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes. + +At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the +door of the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in. + +But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as +we must now back to Prince Giglio. + + +XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO. + + +The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened +Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks, +fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office +in a twinkling. + +It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle +over his luggage, and took the early coach: for as soon as the +mistake about Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent +up a couple of policemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that +he should be carried to Newgate, and his head taken off before +twelve o'clock. But the coach was out of the Paflagonian dominions +before two o'clock; and I dare say the express that was sent after +Prince Giglio did not ride very quick, for many people in +Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of their old +sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very much +better than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate, +tyrannical, reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the +balls, fetes, masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he +thought proper to give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to +Prince Bulbo; and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that +his brother's son had escaped the scaffold. + +It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and +Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get +a comfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat +with the conductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from +Blombodinga, as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the +diligence a very ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under +her arm, who asked for a place. All the inside places were taken, +and the young woman was informed that if she wished to travel, she +must go upon the roof; and the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude +person, I should think), put his head out of the window, and said, +"Nice weather for travelling outside! I wish you a pleasant +journey, my dear." The poor woman coughed very much, and Giglio +pitied her. "I will give up my place to her," says he, "rather +than she should travel in the cold air with that horrid cough." On +which the vulgar traveller said, "YOU'D keep her warm, I am sure, +if it's a MUFF she wants." On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed +his ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning +never to call him MUFF again. + +Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made +himself very comfortable in the straw. The vulgar traveller got +down only at the next station, and Giglio took his place again, and +talked to the person next to him. She appeared to be a most +agreeable, well-informed, and entertaining female. They travelled +together till night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things out of +the bag which she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the +most wonderful collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there +came a pint bottle of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry-- +she took out a cold fowl, some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a +most delicious piece of cold plum-pudding, and a little glass of +brandy afterwards. + +As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio +on a variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his +ignorance as much as she did her capacity. He owned, with many +blushes, how ignorant he was; on which the lady said, "My dear +Gigl--my good Mr. Giles, you are a young man, and have plenty of +time before you. You have nothing to do but to improve yourself. +Who knows but that you may find use for your knowledge some day? +When--when you may be wanted at home, as some people may be." + +"Good heavens, madam!" says he, "do you know me?" + +"I know a number of funny things," says the lady. "I have been at +some people's christenings, and turned away from other folks' +doors. I have seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, +as I hope, improved by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town +where the coach stops for the night. Stay there and study, and +remember your old friend to whom you were kind." + +"And who is my old friend?" asked Giglio. + +"When you want anything," says the lady, "look in this bag, which I +leave to you as a present, and be grateful to--" + +"To whom, madam?" says he. + +"To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying out of the window. +And then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was? + +"What lady?" says the man; "there has been no lady in this coach, +except the old woman, who got out at the last stage." And Giglio +thought he had been dreaming. But there was the bag which +Blackstick had given him lying on his lap; and when he came to the +town he took it in his hand and went into the inn. + +They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the +morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, +"John, Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my dressing-gown--my +slippers;" but nobody came. There was no bell, so he went and +bawled out for water on the top of the stairs. + +The landlady came up, looking--looking like this-- + +"What are you a-hollering and a-bellaring for here, young man?" +says she. + +"There's no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even +cleaned." + +"He, he! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady. "You young +students give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such +impudence." + +"I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio. + +"The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All +my rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you." + +"You may well keep the Bear Inn," said Giglio. "You should have +yourself painted as the sign." + +The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned +to his room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying +on the table, which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. "I +hope it has some breakfast in it," says Giglio, "for I have only a +very little money left." But on opening the bag, what do you think +was there? A blacking brush and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the +pot was written, + + + "Poor young men their boots must black: + Use me and cork me and put me back." + + +So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and +the bottle into the bag. + +When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, +and he went to it and took out-- + +1. A tablecloth and a napkin. + +2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar. + +4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of +sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G. + +11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin. + +14. A jug full of delicious cream. + +15. A canister with black tea and green. + +16. A large tea-urn and boiling water. + +17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done. + +18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter. + +19. A brown loaf. + +And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to +know who ever had one? + +Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into +the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that +this celebrated university town was called Bosforo. + +He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the +inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not +forgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag. + +When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with +his best clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the +first of them which he opened there was written-- + + + "Clothes for the back, books for the head: + Read, and remember them when they are read." + + +And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap +and gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a +Johnson's dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling +had been sadly neglected. + +So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year, +during which "Mr. Giles" was quite an example to all the students +in the University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or +disturbances. The Professors all spoke well of him, and the +students liked him too; so that, when at examination, he took all +the prizes, viz.:-- + + + {The Spelling Prize {The French Prize + {The Writing Prize {The Arithmetic Prize + {The History Prize {The Latin Prize + {The Catechism Prize {The Good Conduct Prize, + + +all his fellow-students said, "Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is +the boy--the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!" And he brought +quite a quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of +distinction home to his lodgings. + +One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a +coffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his bag, +every Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a +guinea over, for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, +as sure as twice twenty makes forty-five)--he chanced to look in +the Bosforo Chronicle, and read off, quite easily (for he could +spell, read, and write the longest words now), the following:-- + +"ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.--One of the most extraordinary adventures +that we have ever heard has set the neighboring country of Crim +Tartary in a state of great excitement. + +"It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of +Crim Tartary, his Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the +throne, after having vanquished, in the terrific battle of +Blunderbusco, the late King CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, +the Princess Rosalba, was not found in the royal palace, of which +King Padella took possession, and, it was said, had strayed into +the forest (being abandoned by all her attendants) where she had +been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the last pair of which were +captured some time since, and brought to the Tower, after killing +several hundred persons. + +"His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world, +was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless +little Princess, for whom his Majesty's known benevolence would +certainly have provided a fitting establishment. But her death +seemed to be certain. The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little +shoe, were found in the forest, during a hunting-party, in which +the intrepid sovereign of Crim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs +with his own spear. And these interesting relics of an innocent +little creature were carried home and kept by their finder, the +Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in Cavolfiore's household. +The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his known legitimist +opinions, and has lived for some time in the humble capacity of a +wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom of Crim +Tartary. + +"Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, +attached to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, "God save +Rosalba, the first Queen of Crim Tartary!" and surrounding a lady +whom report describes as "BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY." Her history MAY +be authentic, IS certainly most romantic. + +"The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought +out of the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by +dragons (this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left +in the Palace Garden of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the +Princess Angelica, now married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown +Prince of Crim Tartary, found the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT +BENEVOLENCE which has always distinguished the heiress of the +throne of Paflagonia, gave the little outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! +Her parentage not being known, and her garb very humble, the +foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial capacity, under +the name of BETSINDA. + +"She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with +her, certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when +first found. According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga +about a year ago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi +family. On the very same morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the +King of Paflagonia, a young Prince whose character for TALENT and +ORDER were, to say truth, NONE OF THE HIGHEST, also quitted +Blombodinga, and has not been since heard of!" + +"What an extraordinary story!" said Smith and Jones, two young +students, Giglio's especial friends. + +"Ha! what is this?" Giglio went on, reading:-- + +"SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.--We hear that the troop under Baron +Spinachi has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count +Hogginarmo, and the soi-disant Princess is sent a prisoner to the +capital. + +"UNIVERSITY NEWS.--Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished +young student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented +by the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest +University honor--the wooden spoon." + +"Never mind that stuff," says GILES, greatly disturbed. "Come home +with me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my +studies--partakers of my academic toils--I have that to tell which +shall astonish your honest minds." + +"Go it, old boy!" cries the impetuous Smith. + +"Talk away, my buck!" says Jones, a lively fellow. + +With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, +but no more seemly, familiarity. "Jones, Smith, my good friends," +said the PRINCE, "disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the +humble student Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line." + +"Atavis edite regibus. I know, old co--" cried Jones. He was +going to say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed +him. + +"Friends," continued the Prince, "I am that Giglio: I am, in fact, +Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. +Jones, thou true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, +filched from me that brave crown my father left me, bred me, all +young and careless of my rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince +of Denmark; and had I any thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with +promises of near redress. I should espouse his daughter, young +Angelica; we two indeed should reign in Paflagonia. His words were +false--false as Angelica's heart!--false as Angelica's hair, color, +front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes upon young Bulbo, Crim +Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him." Twas then I turned +my eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. And I saw in her +the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden modesty; the +nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c. &c. + +(I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and +though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my +dear reader does, so I go on.) + +The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment, +highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL +NARRATOR'S admirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to +his room where he had worked so hard at his books. + +On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince +could not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do +you think he found in it? + +A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and- +thrust sword, and on the sheath was embroidered "ROSALBA FOR EVER!" + +He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole +room, and called out "Rosalba for ever!" Smith and Jones following +him, but quite respectfully this time, and taking the time from His +Royal Highness. + +And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and out there came +three ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful +shining steel helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a +complete suit of armor. + +The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been +some great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack- +boots labelled, "Lieutenant Smith," "---- Jones, Esq.," which +fitted them to a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and +breast plates, swords, &c., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's +novels; and that evening three cavaliers might have been seen +issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in whom the porters, proctors, +&c., never thought of recognising the young Prince and his friends. + +They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle +until they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to +Crim Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers +hungry, they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a +chapter of this if I were like some writers, but I like to cram my +measure tight down, you see, and give you a great deal for your +money, and, in a word, they had some bread and cheese and ale +upstairs on the balcony of the inn. As they were drinking, drums +and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer, the marketplace was filled +with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking forth, recognised the +Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national air which the +bands were playing. + +The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up +Giglio exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I see? Yes!-- +no! It is, it is!--Phoo!--No, it can't be! Yes! it is my friend, +my gallant faithful veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho, Hedzoff! +Knowest thou not thy Prince, thy Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks +we once were friends. Ha, Sergeant, an my memory serves me right, +we have had many a bout at singlestick." + +"I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord," says the Sergeant. + +"Tell me, what means this mighty armament," continued His Royal +Highness from the balcony, "and whither march my Paflagonians?" + +Hedzoff's head fell. "My Lord," he said, "we march as the allies +of great Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch." + +"Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim +tyrant, honest Hedzoff!" said the Prince, on the balcony, quite +sarcastically. + +"A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help +his Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) +to seize wherever I should light upon him--" + +"First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!" exclaimed His Royal Highness. + +"--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia' Hedzoff +went on, with indescribable emotion. "My Prince, give up your +sword without ado. Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!" + +"Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!" cried the Prince; +and stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, +WITHOUT PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no +report can do justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, +from this time, he invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic +station). It lasted for three days and three nights, during which +not a single person who heard him was tired, or remarked the +difference between daylight and dark. The soldiers only cheering +tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine hours, the Prince +paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the bag. He +explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey, +the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination +not only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; +and at the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, +Captain Hedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! +Long live King Giglio!" + +Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at +College! + +When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, +and their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it +was with some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was +only the advanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to +King Padella's aid; the main force being a day's march in the rear +under His Royal Highness Prince Bulbo. + +"We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince," his Majesty +said, "and THEN will make his royal father wince." + + +XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA. + + +King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which +she had received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had +fallen in love with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to +marry his fair captive that instant, but she declined his +invitation in her usual polite gentle manner, stating that Prince +Giglio was her love, and that any other union was out of the +question. Having tried tears and supplications in vain, this +violent-tempered monarch menaced her with threats and tortures; but +she declared she would rather suffer all these than accept the hand +of her father's murderer, who left her finally, uttering the most +awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death on the +following morning. + +All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of +this obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too +easy a death for her; hanging was so common in his Majesty's +dominions that it no longer afforded him any sport; finally, he +bethought himself of a pair of fierce lions which had lately been +sent to him as presents, and he determined, with these ferocious +brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down. Adjoining his castle was an +amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in bull-baiting, rat- +hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions were kept in a +cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over the whole +city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in +numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts. + +The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of +his Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom +his Majesty was observed to look very fiercely: the fact is, royal +spies had told the monarch of Hogginarmo's behavior, his proposals +to Rosalba, and his offer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder +looked King Padella at this proud noble, as they sat in the front +seats of the theatre waiting to see the tragedy whereof poor +Rosalba was to be the heroine. + +At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all +her beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty +that even the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept +plentifully at seeing her. And she walked with her poor little +feet (only luckily the arena was covered with sawdust), and went +and leaned up against a great stone in the centre of the +amphitheatre, round which the Court and the people were seated in +boxes, with bars before them, for fear of the great, fierce, red- +maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring, bellowing, rushing +lions. + +And now the gates were opened, and with a "Wurrawarrurawarar!" two +great lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of their den, where +they had been kept for three weeks on nothing but a little toast- +and-water, and dashed straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba +was waiting. Commend her to your patron saints, all you kind +people, for she is in a dreadful state! + +There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce +King Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, +seated by his Majesty, roared out "Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo- +soo!" that nobleman being uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's +refusal of him. + +But, O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary +coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY +have divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring +her with their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! +They licked her pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, +they moo'd, they seemed to say, "Dear, dear sister don't you +recollect your brothers in the forest?" And she put her pretty +white arms round their tawny necks, and kissed them. + +King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was +extremely disgusted. "Pooh!" the Count cried. "Gammon!" exclaimed +his Lordship. "These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or +Astley's. It is a shame to put people off in this way. I believe +they are little boys dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at +all." + +"Ha!" said the King, "you dare to say 'Gammon!' to your Sovereign, +do you? These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my +beef-eaters! Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and +fling him into the circus! Give him a sword and buckler, let him +keep his armor on, and his weather-eye out, and fight these lions." + +The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked +scowling round at the King and his attendants. "Touch me not, +dogs!" he said, "or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! +Your Majesty thinks Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred +thousand lions! Follow me down into the circus, King Padella, and +match thyself against one of yon brutes. Thou darest not. Let +them both come on, then!" And opening a grating of the box, he +jumped lightly down into the circus. + + + WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!! + In about two minutes + The Count Hogginarmo was + GOBBLED UP + by + those lions, + bones, boots, and all, + and + There was an + End of him. + + +At this, the King said, "Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! +And now, as those lions won't eat that young woman--" + +"Let her off!--let her off!" cried the crowd. + +"NO!" roared the King. "Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her +into small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot +them to death. That hussy shall die in tortures!" + +"A-a-ah!" cried the crowd. "Shame! shame!" + +"Who dares cry out 'Shame?'" cried the furious potentate (so little +can tyrants command their passions). "Fling any scoundrel who says +a word down among the lions!" I warrant you there was a dead +silence then, which was broken by a "Pang arang pang pangkarangpang!" +and a Knight and a Herald rode in at the further end of the circus; +the Knight, in full armor, with his vizor up, and bearing a letter +on the point of his lance. + +"Ha!" exclaimed the King, "by my fay, 'tis Elephant and Castle, +pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an my +memory serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from +Paflagonia, gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy +trumpeting must have made thee thirsty. What will my trusty herald +like to drink?" + +"Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship," said Captain +Hedzoff, "before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver +our King's message." + +"My Lordship, ha!" said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. "That +title soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. +Straightway speak out your message, Knight and Herald!" + +Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the +King's balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin. + +Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a +large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:-- + +"O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, +Giglio, King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign +Prince of Turkey and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our +rightful throne and title, long time falsely borne by our usurping +Uncle, styling himself King of Paflagonia--" + +"Ha!" growled Padella. + +"Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of +Crim Tartary--" + +The King's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant and Castle!" +said the intrepid Hedzoff. + +"--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and +rightful Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her +to her royal throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the +said Padella sneak, traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I +challenge him to meet me, with fists or with pistols, with battle- +axe or sword, with blunderbuss or single-stick, alone or at the +head of his army, on foot or on horseback; and will prove my words +upon his wicked ugly body!" + +"God save the King!" said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, +two semilunes, and three caracols. + +"Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated +fury. + +"That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is his +Majesty's letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any +gentleman of Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with his Majesty's +expressions, I, Kustasoff Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very +much at his service," and he waved his lance, and looked at the +assembly all round. + +"And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's father- +in-law, to this rubbish?" asked the King. + +"The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly +wore," said Hedzoff gravely. "He and his ex-minister, Glumboso, +are now in prison waiting the sentence of my royal master. After +the battle of Bombardaro--" + +"Of what?" asked the surprised Padella. + +"--Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have +performed prodigies of valor, but that the whole of his uncle's +army came over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo--" + +"Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!" cried Padella. + +"Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I +caught him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most +terrific tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's +head is injured." + +"Do they?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly +LIVID with rage. "Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. +I've twenty sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to +reign as Bulbo. Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture +Bulbo--break all his bones--roast him or flay him alive--pull all +his pretty teeth out one by one! But justly dear as Bulbo is to +me,--joy of my eyes, fond treasure of my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! +revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures, rack-men, executioners-- +light up the fires and make the pincers hot! get lots of boiling +lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!" + + +XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO. + + +Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel +command, having done his duty in delivering the message with which +his royal master had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry +for Rosalba, but what could he do? + +So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch +in a disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. +His Majesty's agitation was not appeased by the news that was +brought by his ambassador. "The brutal, ruthless ruffian royal +wretch!" Giglio exclaimed. "As England's poesy has well remarked, +'The man that lays his hand upon a woman, save in the way of +kindness, is a villain.' Ha, Hedzoff!" + +"That he is, your Majesty," said the attendant. + +"And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothing +oil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff--and to spoil +the fairest lady ever eyes did look on?" + +"'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous +lady boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore +his back to you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo +answerable. He only said that he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, +and forthwith he bade the ruthless executioners proceed." + +"O cruel father--O unhappy son!" cried the King. "Go, some of you, +and bring Prince Bulbo hither." + +Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a +prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was +at rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at +marbles with his guards when the King sent for him. + +"Oh, my poor Bulbo," said his Majesty, with looks of infinite +compassion, "hast thou heard the news?" (for you see Giglio wanted +to break the thing gently to the Prince), "thy brutal father has +condemned Rosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!" + +"What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo," cried out Bulbo. "Betsinda! +pretty Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in +the world. I love her better twenty thousand times even than +Angelica." And he went on expressing his grief in so hearty and +unaffected a manner that the King was quite touched by it, and +said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he wished he had known Bulbo +sooner. + +Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to +come and sit with his Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and +console him. The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he +had not had one, he said, since he was taken prisoner. + +And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL +OF MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of +King Padella's CRUEL AND DASTARDLY BEHAVIOR to Rosalba, Prince +Bulbo must instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not +restrain his tears, nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor +could Bulbo himself, when the matter was explained to him, and he +was brought to understand that his Majesty's promise, of course, +was ABOVE EVERYTHING, and Bulbo must submit. So poor Bulbo was led +out, Hedzoff trying to console him, by pointing out that if he had +won the battle of Bombardaro, he might have hanged Prince Giglio. +"Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!" said poor Bulbo; nor +indeed was it, poor fellow! + +He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, +and was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid +to him. The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter +begged him to write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen +had written it on like occasions! "Bother your album!" says Bulbo. +The Undertaker came and measured him for the handsomest coffin +which money could buy: even this didn't console Bulbo. The Cook +brought him dishes which he once used to like; but he wouldn't +touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu to Angelica, as +the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing nearer to next +morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to shave him for +the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went on writing a +few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, +and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got up +on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his +bed, on the top of his table, and looked out to see whether he +might escape as the clock kept always ticking and the hands drawing +nearer, and nearer, and nearer. + +But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: +and the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little +sleep, but the gaoler came and woke him, and said, "Git up, your +Royal Ighness, if you please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!" + +So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy +boy), and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, +or having any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had +come for him. "Lead on!" he said; and they led the way, deeply +affected; and they came into the courtyard, and out into the +square, and there was King Giglio come to take leave of him, and +his Majesty most kindly shook hands with him, and the GLOOMY +PROCESSION marched on:--when hark! + +"Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr!" + +A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into +the town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and +policeman, but ROSALBA! + +The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of +Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the Lions +made a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a +jiffy, and away they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, +and they carried her, turn and turn about, till they came to the +city where Prince Giglio's army was encamped. + +When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he +rushed out of his breakfast-room to hand her Majesty off her Lion! +The Lions were grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and +all those beef-eaters, and were so tame, anybody might pat them. + +While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, +Bulbo, for his part, rushed up and kissed the Lion. He flung his +arms round the forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried +for joy. "Oh, you darling old beast--oh, how glad I am to see you, +and the dear, dear Bets--that is, Rosalba." + +"What, is it you, poor Bulbo?" said the Queen. "Oh, how glad I am +to see you," and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio +slapped him most kindly on the back, and said, "Bulbo, my boy, I am +delighted, for your sake, that her Majesty has arrived." + +"So am I," said Bulbo; "and YOU KNOW WHY." Captain Hedzoff here +came up. "Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the +execution? " + +"Execution! what for?" asked Bulbo. + +"An officer only knows his orders," replied Captain Hedzoff, +showing his warrant: on which his Majesty King Giglio smilingly +said Prince Bulbo was reprieved this time, and most graciously +invited him to breakfast. + + +XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT. + + +As soon as King Padella heard--what we know already--that his +victim, the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, his Majesty's fury +knew no bounds, and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord +Chamberlain, and every officer of the Crown whom he could set eyes +on, into the cauldron of boiling oil prepared for the Princess. +Then he ordered out his whole army, horse, foot, and artillery; and +set forth at the head of an innumerable host, and I should think +twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers. + +King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch +acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise +disconcerted. He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, his +lovely guest, with any unnecessary rumors of battles impending; on +the contrary, he did everything to amuse and divert her; gave her a +most elegant breakfast, dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her +that evening, when he danced with her every single dance. + +Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and allowed to go quite free +now. He had new clothes given him, was called "My good cousin" by +his Majesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by +everybody. But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The +fact is, the sight of Betsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an +elegant new dress, set poor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. +And he never thought about Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he +had left at home, and who, as we know, did not care much about him. + +The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked +with wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she +had got it from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when +Angelica flung it away. + +"Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young +people, and who had very likely certain plans regarding them--"that +ring I gave the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your +presence, a very wise woman: it is enchanted, and whoever wears it +looks beautiful in the eyes of the world. I made poor Prince +Bulbo, when he was christened, the present of a rose which made him +look handsome while he had it; but he gave it to Angelica, who +instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo relapsed into his +natural plainness." + +"Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio, with a low bow. +"She is beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid." + +"Oh, sir!" said Rosalba. + +"Take off the ring and try," said the King, and resolutely drew the +ring off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as +before! + +The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so +dangerous and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a +Prince of great humor, and good humor too, he cast eyes upon a poor +youth who happened to be looking on very disconsolately, and said-- + +"Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess +Rosalba makes it a present to you." The magic properties of this +ring were uncommonly strong, for no sooner had Bulbo put it on, but +lo and behold, he appeared a personable, agreeable young Prince +enough--with a fine complexion, fair hair, rather stout, and with +bandy legs; but these were encased in such a beautiful pair of +yellow morocco boots that nobody remarked them. And Bulbo's +spirits rose up almost immediately after he had looked in the +glass, and he talked to their Majesties in the most lively, +agreeable manner, and danced opposite the Queen with one of the +prettiest maids of honor, and after looking at her Majesty, could +not help saying, "How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so +EXTRAORDINARILY handsome." "Oh no, by no means!" says the Maid of +Honor. + +"But what care I, dear sir," says the Queen, who overheard them, +"if YOU think I am good-looking enough?" + +His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such +that no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, +"Bless you, my darling children! Now you are united and happy; and +now you see what I said from the first, that a little misfortune +has done you both good. YOU, Giglio, had you been bred in +prosperity, would scarcely have learned to read or write--you would +have been idle and extravagant, and could not have been a good King +as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would have been so flattered, +that your little head might have been turned like Angelica's, who +thought herself too good for Giglio." + +"As if anybody could be good enough for HIM," cried Rosalba. + +"Oh, you, you darling!" says Giglio. And so she was; and he was +just holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the +whole company, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, "My +Lord, the enemy!" + +"To arms!" cries Giglio. + +"Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted of course. He snatched one +kiss from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of battle! + + +The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armor, which was +not only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your +eyes to look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; +so that in the midst of the very hottest battles his Majesty rode +about as calmly as if he had been a British Grenadier at Alma. +Were I engaged in fighting for my country, I should like such a +suit of armor as Prince Giglio wore; but, you know, he was a Prince +of a fairy tale, and they always have these wonderful things. + +Besides the fairy armor, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would +gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would +lengthen and run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With +such a weapon at command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of +ordering his army out; but forth they all came, in magnificent new +uniforms, Hedzoff and the Prince's two college friends each +commanding a division, and his Majesty prancing in person at the +head of them all. + +Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, +would I not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous +shindy? Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be +delivered? arrows darken the air? cannon balls crash through the +battalions? cavalry charge infantry? infantry pitch into cavalry? +bugles blow; drums beat; horses neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, +swear, hurray; officers shout out, "Forward, my men!" "This way, +lads!" "Give it 'em, boys!" "Fight for King Giglio, and the cause +of right!" "King Padella for ever!" Would I not describe all this, +I say, and in the very finest language too? But this humble pen +does not possess the skill necessary for the description of +combats. In a word, the overthrow of King Padella's army was so +complete, that if they had been Russians you could not have wished +them to be more utterly smashed and confounded. + +As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of valor much +more considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and +usurper, who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,-- +as for King Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran +away too, kicking his first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his +saddle, and galloping away on the Prince's horse, having, indeed, +had twenty-five or twenty-six of his own shot under him. Hedzoff +coming up, and finding Punchikoff down, as you may imagine, very +speedily disposed of HIM. Meanwhile King Padella was scampering +off as hard as his horse could lay legs to ground. Fast as he +scampered, I promise you somebody else galloped faster; and that +individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the Royal Giglio, who +kept bawling out, "Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and defend +thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut +thy ugly head from thy usurping shoulders!" And, with his fairy +sword, which elongated itself at will, his Majesty kept poking and +prodding Padella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with +anguish. + +When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince +Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a +most enormous weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many +regiments in the course of the afternoon. But, law bless you! +though the blow fell right down on his Majesty's helmet, it made no +more impression than if Padella had struck him with a pat of +butter: his battle-axe crumpled up in Padella's hand, and the Royal +Giglio laughed for very scorn at the impotent efforts of that +atrocious usurper. + +At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly +irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride a fairy horse, and +wear fairy armor, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I +may as well give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, +I suppose, be so mean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike +again?" + +The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. "Do +you yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?" says he. + +"Of course I do," says Padella. + +"Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the +crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?" + +"If I must, I must," says Padella, who was naturally very sulky. + +By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom his +Majesty ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands +behind him, and bound his legs tight under his horse, having set +him with his face to the tail; and in this fashion he was led back +to King Giglio's quarters, and thrust into the very dungeon where +young Bulbo had been confined. + +Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his +distress, to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), +now most affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son--his +dear eldest boy--his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man +never once reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the +day before, when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any +pity, but came to see his father, and spoke to him through the +grating of the door, beyond which he was not allowed to go; and +brought him some sandwiches from the grand supper which his Majesty +was giving above stairs, in honor of the brilliant victory which +had just been achieved. + +"I cannot stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo, who was in his best +ball dress, as he handed his father in the prog. "I am engaged to +dance the next quadrille with her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear +the fiddles playing at this very moment." + +So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate +his solitary supper in silence and tears. + + +All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun, +illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people +through whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their +cottages at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. +They were requested--and I promise you they did not like to refuse-- +to serve the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the +army was enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was +found in King Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who +(after they had given up everything) were allowed to fraternize +with the conquerors; and the united forces marched back by easy +stages towards King Giglio's capital, his royal banner and that of +Queen Rosalba being carried in front of the troops. Hedzoff was +made a Duke and a Field Marshal. Smith and Jones were promoted to +be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the Paflagonian +decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their +Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon +of the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never +appeared without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people +cheered them as they rode along side by side! They were pronounced +to be the handsomest couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; +but they really WERE very handsome, and, had they been otherwise, +would have looked so, they were so happy! Their Majesties were +never separated during the whole day, but breakfasted, dined, and +supped together always, and rode side by side, interchanging +elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful +conversation. At night, her Majesty's ladies of honor (who had all +rallied round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and +conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King +Giglio, surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal +quarters. It was agreed they should be married as soon as they +reached the capital, and orders were dispatched to the Archbishop +of Blombodinga, to hold himself in readiness to perform the +interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried the message, and gave +instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly refurnished and +painted afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime Minister, +and made him refund that considerable sum of money which the old +scoundrel had secreted out of the late King's treasure. He also +clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been dethroned +for some considerable period past), and when the ex-monarch weakly +remonstrated, Hedzoff said, "A soldier, sir, knows but his duty; my +orders are to lock you up along with the ex-King Padella, whom I +have brought hither a prisoner under guard." So these two ex-Royal +personages were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and +thereafter were obliged to become monks of the severest Order of +Flagellants, in which state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging +(which they administered to one another, humbly but resolutely), no +doubt they exhibited a repentance for their past misdeeds, +usurpations, and private and public crimes. + +As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had +an opportunity to steal any more. + + +XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL. + + +The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had +certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not +unfrequently, to pay them a little visit--as they were riding in +their triumphal progress towards Giglio's capital--change her wand +into a pony, and travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the +very best advice. I am not sure that King Giglio did not think the +Fairy and her advice rather a bore, fancying it was his own valor +and merits which had put him on his throne, and conquered Padella: +and, in fine, I fear he rather gave himself airs towards his best +friend and patroness. She exhorted him to deal justly by his +subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break his promise +when he had once given it--and in all respects to be a good King. + +"A good King, my dear Fairy!" cries Rosalba. "Of course he will. +Break his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything +so improper, so unlike him? No! never!" And she looked fondly +towards Giglio, whom she thought a pattern of perfection. + +"Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to +manage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she +suppose that I am not a man of sense, and a man of honor?" asks +Giglio testily. "Methinks she rather presumes upon her position." + +"Hush! dear Giglio," says Rosalba. "You know Blackstick has been +very kind to us, and we must not offend her." But the Fairy was +not listening to Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, +and was trotting on her pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode +a donkey, and made himself generally beloved in the army by his +cheerfulness, kindness, and good-humor to everybody. He was eager +to see his darling Angelica. He thought there never was such a +charming being. Blackstick did not tell him it was the possession +of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely in his eyes. She +brought him the very best accounts of his little wife, whose +misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved her; +and, you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a +minute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from +Bulbo to Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that +young man upon his journey. + +When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach +Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with +her lady of honor by her side, but the Princess Angelica? She +rushed into her husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing +curtsey to the King and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who +appeared perfectly lovely to her on account of the fairy ring which +he wore; whilst she herself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, +seemed entirely beautiful to the enraptured Bulbo. + +A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the +Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and +all our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the +left of King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could +hear the joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the +citizens were firing off in honor of their Majesties. + +"What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself +up in such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, +my dear?" says Giglio to Rosalba. "What a figure of fun Gruffy +is!" + +Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop +and the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for +she was dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath +of white roses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old +neck was covered with diamonds. She ogled the King in such a +manner that his Majesty burst out laughing. + +"Eleven o'clock!" cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of +Blombodinga tolled that hour. "Gentlemen and ladies, we must be +starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, before +twelve?" + +"We must be at church before twelve," sighs out Gruffanuff in a +languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan. + +"And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions," cries +Giglio, with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba. + +"Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!" exclaims Gruffanuff; "and +can it be that this happy moment at length has arrived--" + +"Of course it has arrived," says the King. + +"--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored +Giglio!" continues Gruffanuff. "Lend me a smelling-bottle, +somebody. I certainly shall faint with joy." + +"YOU my bride?" roars out Giglio. + +"YOU marry my Prince?" cried poor little Rosalba. + +"Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!" exclaims the King. And all +the courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, +marks of surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder. + +"I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am +not?" shrieks out Gruffanuff. "I should like to know if King +Giglio is a gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in +Paflagonia? Lord Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your +Lordships sit by and see a poor, fond, confiding, tender creature +put upon? Has not Prince Giglio promised to marry his Barbara? Is +not this Giglio's signature? Does not this paper declare that he +is mine, and only mine?" And she handed to his Grace the +Archbishop the document which the Prince signed that evening when +she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so much champagne. And +the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses, read--"This is to +give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, +hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda Countess +Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq." + +"H'm," says the Archbishop, "the document is certainly a--a +document." + +"Phoo!" says the Lord Chancellor, "the signature is not in his +Majesty's handwriting." Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, +Giglio had made an immense improvement in caligraphy. + +"Is it your handwriting, Giglio?" cries the Fairy Blackstick, with +an awful severity of countenance. + +"Y--y--y--es," poor Giglio gasps out, "I had quite forgotten the +confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, +what will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one--her +Majesty has fainted." + +"Chop her head off!" } exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff, +"Smother the old witch!" } the ardent Smith, and the +"Pitch her into the river!"} faithful Jones. + +But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and +bellowed out, "Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!" so loudly, +that her piercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for +Rosalba, she was borne away lifeless by her ladies; and you may +imagine the look of agony which Giglio cast towards that lovely +being, as his hope, his joy, his darling, his all in all, was thus +removed, and in her place the horrid old Gruffanuff rushed up to +his side, and once more shrieked out, "Justice, justice!" + +"Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?" says Giglio; +"two hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's +a handsome sum." + +"I will have that and you too!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain," gasps out Giglio. + +"I will wear them by my Giglio's side!" says Gruffanuff. + +"Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my +kingdom do, Countess?" asks the trembling monarch. + +"What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?" cries Gruff, +kissing his hand. + +"I won't, I can't, I shan't,--I'll resign the crown first," shouts +Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it. + +"I have a competency, my love," she says, "and with thee and a +cottage thy Barbara will be happy." + +Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. "I will not marry +her," says he. "Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?" And as he +spoke he looked wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy +Blackstick. + +"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to +keep my word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honor?'" +said the Fairy, quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed +under the brightness of her eyes; he felt that there was no escape +for him from that awful inquisition. + +"Well, Archbishop," said he in a dreadful voice, that made his +Grace start, "since this Fairy has led me to the height of +happiness but to dash me down into the depths of despair, since I +am to lose Rosalba, let me at least keep my honor. Get up, +Countess, and let us be married; I can keep my word, but I can die +afterwards." + +"Oh, dear Giglio," cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, "I knew, I knew I +could trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of honor. +Jump into your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to +church at once; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:--thou wilt +forget that insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen--thou wilt +live to be consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and +not a Queen Dowager, my gracious Lord!" And hanging upon poor +Giglio's arm, and leering and grinning in his face in the most +disgusting manner, this old wretch tripped off in her white satin +shoes, and jumped into the very carriage which had been got ready +to convey Giglio and Rosalba to church. The cannons roared again, +the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the people came out flinging +flowers upon the path of the royal bride and bridegroom, and Gruff +looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and grinned to them. +Phoo! the horrid old wretch! + + +XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME. + + +The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba +prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young woman +presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy +Blackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in +her pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and +bemoaning herself, and fainting again, as many young women would +have done, Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness +to her subjects; and though she loved Giglio more than her life, +was determined, as she told the Fairy, not to interfere between him +and justice, or to cause him to break his royal word. + +"I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always," says she to +Blackstick; "I will go and be present at his marriage with the +Countess, and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. +I will see, when I get home, whether I cannot make the new Queen +some handsome presents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are +uncommonly fine, and I shall never have any use for them. I will +live and die unmarried like Queen Elizabeth, and, of course, I +shall leave my crown to Giglio when I quit this world. Let us go +and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me say one last farewell +to him; and then, if you please, I will return to my own dominions." + +So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once +changed her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a +steady coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy +and Rosalba got into the coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered +after them. As for honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most +pathetic manner, quite overcome by Rosalba's misfortune. She was +touched by the honest fellow's sympathy, promised to restore to him +the confiscated estates of Duke Padella his father, and created +him, as he sat there in the coach, Prince, Highness, and First +Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The coach moved on, and, being +a fairy coach, soon came up with the bridal procession. + +Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as +it is in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the +Contract of Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, +Minister, Lord Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the +royal palace was being painted and furnished anew, it was not ready +for the reception of the King and his bride, who proposed at first +to take up their residence at the Prince's palace, that one which +Valoroso occupied when Angelica was born, and before he usurped the +throne. + +So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got +out of their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of +her coach, supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against +the railings so as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for +Blackstick, she, according to her custom, had flown out of the +coach window in some inscrutable manner, and was now standing at +the palace door. + +Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, +looking as pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned +at the Fairy Blackstick--he was angry with her, and thought she +came to insult his misery. + +"Get out of the way, pray," says Gruffanuff haughtily. "I wonder +why you are always poking your nose into other people's affairs?" + +"Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?" says +Blackstick. + +"To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, +don't say 'you' to a Queen," cries Gruffanuff. + +"You won't take the money he offered you?" + +"No." + +"You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him +when you made him sign the paper?" + +"Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!" cries Gruffanuff. And +the policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the +Fairy struck them all like so many statues in their places. + +"You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff," +cries the Fairy, with awful severity. "I speak for the last time." + +"No!" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. "I'll have my +husband, my husband, my husband!" + +"YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; and +advancing a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER. + + +As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open +mouth opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody +start. The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled +themselves, writhed about, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; +the knocker expanded into a figure in yellow livery, six feet high; +the screws by which it was fixed to the door unloosed themselves, +and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more trod the threshold off which he +had been lifted more than twenty years ago! + +"Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and +Mrs. Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which +nobody minded her. + +For everybody was shouting, "Huzzay! huzzay!" "Hip, hip, hurray!" +"Long live the King and Queen!" "Were such things ever seen?" +"No, never, never, never!" "The Fairy Blackstick for ever!" + +The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging +most prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord +Chancellor was flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; +Hedzoff had got the Archbishop round the waist, and they were +dancing a jig for joy; and as for Giglio, I leave you to imagine +what HE was doing, and if he kissed Rosalba once, twice--twenty +thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he was wrong. + +So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had +been accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, +and then they went to church and were married, and the Fairy +Blackstick sailed away on her cane, and was never more heard of in +Paflagonia. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext The Christmas Books, by W. M. Thackeray + diff --git a/old/chmsb10.zip b/old/chmsb10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0fcf4d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/chmsb10.zip |