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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jealousy of le Barbouille, by
+Jean Baptiste Poquelin de Moliere
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Jealousy of le Barbouille
+       (La Jalousie du Barbouille)
+
+Author: Jean Baptiste Poquelin de Moliere
+
+Translator: Charles Heron Wall
+
+Release Date: October 28, 2008 [EBook #27074]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE JEALOUSY OF LE BARBOUILLE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Delphine Lettau
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE JEALOUSY OF LE BARBOUILLE.
+
+(LA JALOUSIE DU BARBOUILLE.)
+
+
+Among the small farces said to have been sketched by Moliere during
+his stay in the provinces, two only which seem genuine have come down
+to us, and have been published for the last thirty years with his
+comedies. These are, 'La Jalousie du Barbouille,' and 'Le Medecin
+Volant.' Moliere has made use of the former in the third act of the
+comedy called 'George Dandin.'
+
+Moliere acted the part of Le Barbouille.
+
+
+
+
+PERSONS REPRESENTED.
+
+LE BARBOUILLE, _husband to_ ANGELIQUE.
+THE DOCTOR.
+ANGELIQUE.
+VALERE, _lover to_ ANGELIQUE.
+CATHAU, _maid to_ ANGELIQUE.
+GORGIBUS, _father to_ ANGELIQUE.
+VILLEBREQUIN.
+LA VALLEE.
+
+
+
+
+THE JEALOUSY OF LE BARBOUILLE.
+
+
+SCENE I.--LE BARBOUILLE.
+
+BAR. Everybody must acknowledge that I am the most unfortunate of men!
+I have a wife who plagues me to death; and who, instead of bringing me
+comfort and doing things as I like them to be done, makes me swear at
+her twenty times a day. Instead of keeping at home, she likes gadding
+about, eating good dinners, and passing her time with people of I
+don't know what description. Ah! poor Barbouille, how much you are to
+be pitied! But she must be punished. Suppose you killed her?... It
+would do no good, for you would be hung afterwards. If you were to
+have her sent to prison?... The minx would find means of coming out.
+What the deuce are you to do?--But here is the doctor coming out this
+way; suppose I ask his advice on my difficulties.
+
+
+SCENE II.--DOCTOR, LE BARBOUILLE.
+
+BAR. I was going to fetch you, to beg for your opinion on a question
+of great importance to me.
+
+DOC. You must be very ill-bred, very loutish, and very badly taught,
+my friend, to speak to me in that fashion, without first taking off
+your hat, without observing _rationem loci, temporis et personae_.
+What! you begin by an abrupt speech, instead of saying _Salve_, vel
+_salvus sis, doctor doctorum eruditissime_. What do you take me for,
+eh?
+
+BAR. Really, doctor, I am very sorry; the fact is that I am almost
+beside myself, and did not think of what I was doing; but I know you
+are a gallant man.
+
+DOC. Do you know what _gallant man_ comes from?
+
+BAR. It matters little to me whether it comes from Villejuif or
+Aubervilliers.
+
+DOC. Know that the word _gallant man_ comes from _elegant_. By taking
+the _g_ and the _a_ of the last syllable, that makes _ga_; then by
+taking the two _ll_'s, adding _a_ and the two last letters _nt_, that
+makes _gallant_; then by adding _man_ you have _gallant man_. But to
+come back to what I said; What do you take me for?
+
+BAR. I take you for a doctor. But let us speak a little of what I have
+to propose to you. You must know that ...
+
+DOC. Let me tell you first that I am not only a doctor, but that I am
+one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten times
+doctor. Firstly, number one is the base, the foundation, and the first
+of all numbers; so am I the first of all doctors, the most learned of
+the learned. Secondly, there are two faculties essential for a perfect
+knowledge of things: the sense and the understanding; I am all sense,
+all understanding: ergo, I am twice doctor.
+
+BAR. Agreed. What I want ...
+
+DOC. Thirdly, according to Aristotle, the number three is that of
+perfection; I am perfect; and every thing I do is perfect: ergo, I am
+three times doctor.
+
+BAR. Very well then, doctor....
+
+DOC. Fourthly, philosophy is divided into four parts, logic, morals,
+physics, and metaphysics; I possess all four, and know them perfectly:
+ergo, I am four times doctor.
+
+BAR. Deuce take it, I don't doubt it. Listen to me then.
+
+DOC. Fifthly, there are five universals: the genus, the species, the
+differentia, the property, and the accident, without knowing which it
+is impossible to arrive at any satisfactory conclusions; I make great
+use of them, and know how important they are; ergo, I am five times
+doctor.
+
+BAR. I must have patience.
+
+DOC. Sixthly, number six is the number of work; I work incessantly for
+my own glory; ergo, I am six times doctor.
+
+BAR. Well, well, speak as long as you like.
+
+DOC. Seventhly, the number seven is the number of bliss; I possess a
+perfect knowledge of all that can produce happiness, and by my talents
+am happy myself. I am therefore forced to say of myself: _O ter
+quaterque beatum!_ Eighthly, the number eight is the number of
+justice, on account of the equality which is found in it; the justice
+and prudence with which I measure and weigh all my actions make me
+eight times doctor. Ninthly, there are nine Muses, and I am equally
+the favourite of them all. Tenthly, one cannot pass number ten without
+repeating all the other numbers, and it is the universal number.
+Similarly, when people have found me, they have found the universal
+doctor; and I am in myself all the other doctors together. Thus, with
+the help of these plausible, true, demonstrative, and convincing
+reasons, you see that I am one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
+eight, nine, ten times doctor.
+
+BAR. What the deuce does he mean by all this? I thought I had found a
+clever man who would give me good advice, and I find a chimney-sweep,
+who, instead of speaking to me, plays at mora.[1] One, two, three,
+four--ha! ha!--ha! ha! Come, come, that's not it; you must listen to
+me, and remember that I am not a man to make you lose your time; I
+shall make it worth your while, and if you can satisfy me in what I
+want of you, I will give you what you wish--money, if you like.
+
+DOC. Ha! money?
+
+BAR. Yes, money; and whatever you may ask besides.
+
+DOC. (_sharply, tucking up his gown behind him_). Then you take me for
+a man who would do anything for money, for a man fond of money, for a
+mercenary soul? Know, my friend, that if you were to give me a purse
+full of gold, and that this purse were in a rich box, this box in a
+precious case, this case in a superb chest, this chest in a rare
+museum, this museum in a magnificent apartment, this apartment in a
+gorgeous castle, this castle in a wonderful citadel, this citadel in a
+celebrated town, this town in a fertile island, this island in an
+opulent province, this province in a flourishing monarchy, this
+monarchy in the whole world;[2] that if you gave me the world in which
+this flourishing monarchy would be, in which this opulent province
+would be, in which this fertile island would be, in which this
+celebrated town would be, in which this wonderful citadel would be, in
+which this gorgeous castle would be, in which this pleasant apartment
+would be, in which this rare museum would be, in which this wonderful
+chest would be, in which this precious case would be, in which this
+rich box would be, in which the purse full of gold would be, I should
+care no more for it than this (_snaps his fingers and exit_).
+
+BAR. Well. I made a mistake. Seeing him dressed as a doctor, I felt
+that of necessity I must speak of money to him; but since he does not
+want any, nothing can be more easy than to satisfy him. I'll run after
+him. (_Runs out._)
+
+
+SCENE III.--ANGELIQUE, VALERE, CATHAU.
+
+ANG. I assure you, sir, that you will oblige me very much by coming to
+see me sometimes: my husband is so ugly, so ill-behaved, and such a
+drunkard, that it is perfect martyrdom for me to be with him, and I
+ask you what pleasure one can have with such a clown as he is?
+
+VAL. You do me too much honour. I promise you I shall do my utmost to
+amuse you, and since you are kind enough to say that my company is not
+unpleasant, my care and attentions shall prove to you what pleasure
+this good news gives me.
+
+CAT. Ay! quick, talk of something else; here's our old bugbear coming.
+
+
+SCENE IV.--LE BARBOUILLE, VALERE, ANGELIQUE, CATHAU.
+
+VAL. Mademoiselle,[3] I am very sorry to bring you such bad news, but,
+you would have heard it from some one else, and since your brother is
+ill ...
+
+ANG. Ah! say no more, sir, I am your servant, and thank you very much
+for the trouble you have taken.
+
+(_Exit_ VALERE.)
+
+BAR. Well! what need is there of my having a certificate of my
+cuckledom from the notary? So! so! you trollop! I find you with a man
+in spite of all my remonstrances, and you want to send me from Gemini
+to Capricornus.
+
+ANG. Are you going to scold me for that? This gentleman only just came
+to tell me of my brother's serious illness: why should you make that a
+subject of quarrel?
+
+CAT. Ah, directly I saw him, I wondered if we should be long in peace.
+
+BAR. You spoil one another, you women; you, Cathau, you corrupt my
+wife; she is not half as good now as she was before she had you to
+wait upon her.
+
+CAT. Really you treat me in a nice manner.
+
+ANG. Leave the drunkard alone; don't you see that he is so muddled
+that he does not even know what he says.
+
+
+SCENE V.--GORGIBUS, VILLEBREQUIN, ANGELIQUE, CATHAU, LE BARBOUILLE.
+
+GOR. Now, there's my cursed son-in-law scolding my daughter again!
+
+VILL. We must see what is the matter.
+
+GOR. What! will you always be quarrelling! Will you never have peace
+at home?
+
+BAR. This hussy calls me drunkard. (_to_ ANGELIQUE) Here, I have a
+great mind to give you a good dressing[4] before your relations.
+
+GOR. May the dev ... may his money be blessed, if you have done as he
+says.[5]
+
+ANG. It is always he who begins to ...
+
+CAT. Cursed be the hour when you chose that sordid wretch!
+
+
+SCENE VI.--GORGIBUS, VILLEBREQUIN, ANGELIQUE, CATHAU, LE BARBOUILLE,
+DOCTOR.
+
+DOC. Why, what is the meaning of this? what a disorder! what a
+quarrel! what a racket! what a row! what a noise! what a dispute! what
+a combustion! What is the matter, gentlemen? what is the matter? what
+is the matter? Come, come, is there no way of making you agree, let me
+be your pacificator; suffer me to bring peace among you.
+
+GOR. It is my son-in-law and my daughter who have had words together.
+
+DOC. But what can it be? Now, come, let me know the cause of their
+dispute.
+
+GOR. Sir ...
+
+DOC. But in a few words ...
+
+GOR. Yes, yes; but put on your hat.
+
+DOC. Hat; that is bonnet. Do you know what bonnet comes from?
+
+GOR. No.
+
+DOC. It comes from _bonum est, it is good, a thing which is good_,
+because it saves one from colds and coughs.
+
+GOR. Indeed! I did not know that.
+
+DOC. Now quick, the subject of your quarrel?
+
+GOR. This is what happened.
+
+DOC. I hope you are not a man to keep me long when I pray you not to
+do so. I have some pressing business which calls me to town; still, if
+I can bring peace to your family, I am willing to stop a moment.
+
+GOR. I shall soon have done.
+
+DOC. Be quick, then.
+
+GOR. It will be said in a moment.
+
+DOC. We must acknowledge, Mr. Gorgibus, that it is a wonderful gift to
+be able to say things in a few words, and that great talkers, instead
+of being heard, become often so wearisome that one cannot listen to
+them; _virtutem primam esse puta compescere linguam._ Yes, the best
+quality of an honest man is silence.
+
+GOR. You must know then ...
+
+DOC. There are three things which Socrates used to recommend
+particularly to his disciples: to be careful of one's actions, to be
+sober in eating, and to say things in a few words. Begin, Mr.
+Gorgibus.
+
+GOR. It is my wish to do so.
+
+DOC. In a few words, without ceremony, without indulging in a long
+speech: cut it short with an apophthegm;[6] quick, quick, Mr.
+Gorgibus, make haste, avoid prolixity.
+
+GOR. Suffer me to speak then....
+
+DOC. That's enough Mr. Gorgibus, you speak too much. Somebody else
+must tell me what was the cause of their quarrel.
+
+VILL. You must know, sir, that ...
+
+DOC. You are an ignoramus, an unlearned man, ignorant of all good
+rules; an ass, in plain English. What! you begin a discourse without a
+word of exordium! Some one else must tell me what happened; will you,
+young lady, tell me the particulars of all this noise?
+
+ANG. Do you see here my fat rascal, my wine-barrel of a husband ...
+
+DOC. Gently, if you please, speak with respect of your husband when
+you are under the nose of a doctor like me.
+
+ANG. Ah! I should just think so, doctor! I care little for you or your
+doctrine, and I am a doctor whenever I please.
+
+DOC. You, a doctor when you please. A nice doctor you make. You seem
+to me to do much as you wish.... But, I say, tell me the subject of
+your uproar.
+
+BAR. Sir, your honour ...
+
+DOC. You begin well. "Your honour!" this word has something flattering
+to the ear, something full of magniloquence; "your honour!"
+
+BAR. According to my will.
+
+DOC. Quite right.... "According to my will!" the will speaks of a
+wish, the wish presupposes means to come to one's ends, and the end
+presupposes an object. It is well said, "according to my will!"
+
+BAR. I am bursting with rage.
+
+DOC. Cut out this word "bursting." It is a low, vulgar expression.
+
+BAR. But, doctor, listen to me for mercy's sake.
+
+DOC. _Audi, quaeso_, would Caesar have said.[7]
+
+BAR. Seize her, or don't seize her, you will listen to me or I will
+break your doctoral neck! What the devil do you mean by all this?
+
+    (LE BARBOUILLE, ANGELIQUE, GORGIBUS, CATHAU, VILLEBREQUIN, _wish
+    to explain the cause of the quarrel; the_ DOCTOR _explains that
+    peace is a fine thing. They all talk together, and make a dreadful
+    noise. In the midst of all this_, LE BARBOUILLE _ties the_ DOCTOR
+    _by the legs with a rope, throws him down on his back, and drags
+    him away; the_ DOCTOR _goes on talking all the time, and counts
+    all his arguments on his fingers, as if he were not on the
+    ground._)
+
+GOR. Now, my daughter, go back to your home and live in peace with
+your husband.
+
+VILL. Your servant; good night.
+
+(_Exeunt_ VILLEBREQUIN, GORGIBUS, _and_ ANGELIQUE.)
+
+
+SCENE VII.--VALERE, LA VALLEE.
+
+VAL. I am extremely obliged to you, sir, for the trouble you have
+taken, and I promise you that in about an hour's time I shall be at
+the place of rendezvous you give me.
+
+LA VAL. It cannot be put off so long, in a quarter of an hour the ball
+will be over, and you will miss the pleasure of meeting there the
+person you love.
+
+VAL. Let us go together then.
+
+(_Exeunt_ VALERE _and_ LA VALLEE.)
+
+
+SCENE VIII.--ANGELIQUE (_alone_).
+
+While my husband is absent, I will just go round to a ball given by
+one of our neighbours. I shall be back before him, for he is somewhere
+drinking; he will not even know that I am gone out. The wretched knave
+always leaves me alone at home, as if I were his dog. (_Exit_ ANGELIQUE.)
+
+
+SCENE IX.--LE BARBOUILLE.
+
+I knew that I should master that brute of a doctor and his stupid
+doctrine. Devil take the ignorant ass! I soon brought all his science
+to the ground. I must now go and see if our good wife has prepared
+anything for my supper. (_Exit._)
+
+
+SCENE X.--ANGELIQUE.
+
+How unlucky! I went too late, the party was over. I arrived just as
+everybody was leaving. But never mind, it shall be for another time. I
+will go home as if nothing was the matter. Bless me! the door is
+locked; Cathau! Cathau!
+
+
+SCENE XI.--LE BARBOUILLE (_at the window_), ANGELIQUE.
+
+BAR. "Cathau! Cathau!" Well! what is the matter with Cathau? And where
+do you come from at this time of night, and in such weather?
+
+ANG. Where I come from? Just open the door, and I will tell you.
+
+BAR. Yes, you catch me! You may go and sleep where you come from; I
+shall not open to a gad-about like you. What! alone at this time of
+night! I don't know if it is fancy, but my forehead seems to me
+already rougher by half.
+
+ANG. Well, what do you mean by scolding me because I am alone? You
+scold me if I have anybody near me; what am I to do?
+
+BAR. Stop at home, give orders for the supper, take care of the
+household, and of the children; but it is no use talking so much;
+good-bye, good night, go to the devil and leave me in peace.
+
+ANG. You won't open to me?
+
+BAR. No. I shall not open to you.
+
+ANG. Ah! my dear little husband, I beg of you open the door; do, my
+darling little heart.
+
+BAR. Ah! crocodile! Ah! dangerous serpent! you caress me to betray me.
+
+ANG. Open, do open.
+
+BAR. Farewell! _Vade retro, Satanas!_
+
+ANG. What, you won't open.
+
+BAR. No!
+
+ANG. You have no pity for the wife who loves you so much?
+
+BAR. No, I am inflexible. You have offended me, I am revengeful like
+the very devil! that is to say plainly that I am inexorable.
+
+ANG. Do you know that if you push me too far, and put me in a passion,
+I may do something which will make you repent your unkindness.
+
+BAR. And what will you do, dear little vixen?
+
+ANG. I declare that if you do not open to me, I will kill myself
+before the door; my parents will no doubt come here before going to
+bed, to see if we are all right together, and they will find me dead,
+and you will be hanged.
+
+BAR. Ha! ha! ha! ha! the silly creature! Tell me who would lose the
+most? Nonsense, you are not so foolish as to play such a trick.
+
+ANG. You don't believe me. See, here is my knife all ready, if you do
+not open at once I will pierce myself to the heart with it.
+
+BAR. Take care, it is very sharp.
+
+ANG. You won't open to me?
+
+BAR. I have told you twenty times that I shall not open; kill
+yourself, die, go to the devil, I care not.
+
+ANG. (_pretending to stab herself_). Farewell then.... Ay! I am dead.
+
+BAR. Can she be stupid enough to do such a thing? I must go down with
+the light and see.
+
+ANG. (_aside_). I will pay you back. If I can only slip into the house
+while you are looking for me, it shall be my turn. (_She runs past_
+BARBOUILLE, _and manages to get into the house without his knowledge._)
+
+BAR. Well! I knew she was not so stupid as all that! She is dead, and
+yet she runs like Pacolet's horse.[8] To say the truth, she really
+frightened me, she did right to run away, for if I had found her alive
+after she had given me such a fright, my boot would have taught her
+not to play the fool. I must go to bed now. Hallo! the wind must have
+shut the door to, I fear. Hi! Cathau, Cathau, open the door.
+
+ANG. (_at the window_). "Cathau, Cathau! well what is the matter with
+Cathau?" and where do you come from, you drunkard? Well, well, my
+parents will soon be here, and will hear all about you. You wine-tap,
+you infamous wretch, you do not stir from the public-house; but leave
+a poor wife with little children waiting for you all day at home
+without caring to know if they want anything.
+
+BAR. Open quickly, she-devil! or I'll break your head open.
+
+
+SCENE XII.--GORGIBUS, VILLEBREQUIN, ANGELIQUE, LE BARBOUILLE.
+
+GOR. Why, what is it now? still quarrelling and fighting?
+
+VILL. What? will you never agree?
+
+ANG. Only just look at him! he is drunk, and returns at this time of
+night to make a noise and threaten to kill me.
+
+GOR. She is right: it is not at this hour of night you should come
+home. Why can you not, like a good father of a family, come home early
+and live at peace with your wife?
+
+BAR. Deuce take me, if I left the house! Ask those gentlemen who are
+on the terrace there. It is she who has only just come home. Ah! how
+innocence is always oppressed!
+
+GOR. Well! Come, come, try to agree together, and ask her to forgive
+you.
+
+BAR. I ask her to forgive me! I had rather the devil flew off with
+her. I am in such a terrible rage, I hardly know what to do.
+
+GOR. Come, daughter, kiss your husband, and be friends.
+
+
+SCENE XIII.--THE DOCTOR (_in night-gear at another window_).
+
+DOC. What! always noise, disorder, dissension, quarrels, strife,
+disputes, uproar, everlasting altercations? What is it? What can it
+be? One can have no rest.
+
+VILL. It is nothing, Mr. Doctor, every one is agreed.
+
+DOC. Ah! about being agreed, shall I read you a chapter of Aristotle,
+where he proves that all the different parts of the universe subsist
+only through the concord which exists between them?
+
+VILL. Will it be long?
+
+DOC. No, it's not a bit long, only about sixty or eighty pages.
+
+VILL. Thanks, good night, good night!
+
+GOR. It is not necessary.
+
+DOC. Do you wish for it?
+
+GOR. No.
+
+DOC. Good night, then, since it is so--_latine, bona nox_.
+
+VILL. Let us all go and have some supper together.
+
+
+
+
+FOOTNOTES
+
+ [1] An Italian game (Latin, _micare digitis_), in which one player
+ suddenly raises the hand of which some fingers are shut, and some are
+ open. The other players have to guess the number of fingers raised.
+
+ [2] In most editions we find "_et que tout le monde ou serait cette
+ monarchie florissante_," which has no meaning. The correct reading is
+ "_et que tu me donnerais le monde ou serait_," &c.
+
+ [3] See 'Impromptu de Versailles,' Sc. i.
+
+ [4] _Je suis bien tente de te bailler une quinte major._ Quinte major is
+ a term of piquet. It is here employed figuratively. Compare its use
+ in 'Les Facheux,' Act ii. Sc. ii.
+
+ [5] This seems to be the meaning of "_Je dedonne au diable l'escarcelle,
+ si vous l'aviez fait._" _Je dedonne au diable_ is apparently a euphemism
+ for _Je donne au diable._ In French, compare _parbleu, corbleu_, &c., and
+ _deuce, zounds, egad_, &c., in English. _Dedonne_ is not given by Littre.
+ It occurs again in 'Le Medecin Volant,' Sc. x., but does not seem to
+ have been employed elsewhere by Moliere.
+
+ [6] Compare Sc. iv. 'Le Mariage Force.'
+
+ [7] DOC. 'Audi, quaeso,' aurait dit Ciceron.
+
+     BAR. Si ce rompt, si ce brise, &c.
+
+ It seems necessary to ascribe the saying to Caesar, rather than to
+ Cicero, in order to render to some extent this fearful pun.
+
+ [8] An enchanted dwarf in the old romance of 'Valentine and Orson,'
+ who manufactured a wooden horse, which could go very fast "_Courir
+ comme le cheval de Pacolet,_" remains as a proverb.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jealousy of le Barbouille, by
+Jean Baptiste Poquelin de Moliere
+
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