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diff --git a/old/snobs10.txt b/old/snobs10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e59e41 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/snobs10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8208 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Book of Snobs, by Thackeray +#18 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This Etext of The Book of Snobs by William Makepeace Thackeray +scanned and proof-read by Sean Hackett (shack@eircom.net) + + + + + +THE BOOK OF SNOBS + + +BY ONE OF THEMSELVES + + + +PREFATORY REMARKS + +(The necessity of a work on Snobs, demonstrated from +History, and proved by felicitous illustrations:-- I am +the individual destined to write that work--My vocation +is announced in terms of great eloquence--I show that the +world has been gradually preparing itself for the WORK +and the MAN--Snobs are to be studied like other objects +of Natural Science, and are a part of the Beautiful (with +a large B). They pervade all classes--Affecting instance +of Colonel Snobley.) + +We have all read a statement, (the authenticity of which +I take leave to doubt entirely, for upon what +calculations I should like to know is it founded?)--we +have all, I say, been favoured by perusing a remark, that +when the times and necessities of the world call for a +Man, that individual is found. Thus at the French +Revolution (which the reader will be pleased to have +introduced so early), when it was requisite to administer +a corrective dose to the nation, Robespierre was found; a +most foul and nauseous dose indeed, and swallowed eagerly +by the patient, greatly to the latter's ultimate +advantage: thus, when it became necessary to kick John +Bull out of America, Mr. Washington stepped forward, and +performed that job to satisfaction: thus, when the Earl +of Aldborough was unwell, Professor Holloway appeared +with his pills, and cured his lordship, as per +advertisement, &c. &c.. Numberless instances might be +adduced to show that when a nation is in great want, the +relief is at hand; just as in the Pantomime (that +microcosm) where when CLOWN wants anything--a warming- +pan, a pump-handle, a goose, or a lady's tippet--a fellow +comes sauntering out from behind the side-scenes with the +very article in question. + +Again, when men commence an undertaking, they always are +prepared to show that the absolute necessities of the +world demanded its completion.--Say it is a railroad: the +directors begin by stating that 'A more intimate +communication between Bathershins and Derrynane Beg is +necessary for the advancement of civilization, and +demanded by the multitudinous acclamations of the great +Irish people.' Or suppose it is a newspaper: the +prospectus states that 'At a time when the Church is in +danger, threatened from without by savage fanaticism and +miscreant unbelief, and undermined from within by +dangerous Jesuitism, and suicidal Schism, a Want has been +universally felt--a suffering people has looked abroad-- +for an Ecclesiastical Champion and Guardian. A body of +Prelates and Gentlemen have therefore stepped forward in +this our hour of danger, and determined on establishing +the BEADLE newspaper,' &c. &c. One or other of these +points at least is incontrovertible: the public wants a +thing, therefore it is supplied with it; or the public is +supplied with a thing, therefore it wants it. + +I have long gone about with a conviction on my mind that +I had a work to do--a Work, if you like, with a great W; +a Purpose to fulfil; a chasm to leap into, like Curtius, +horse and foot; a Great Social Evil to Discover and to +Remedy. That Conviction Has Pursued me for Years. It +has Dogged me in the Busy Street; Seated Itself By Me in +The Lonely Study; Jogged My Elbow as it Lifted the Wine- +cup at The Festive Board; Pursued me through the Maze of +Rotten Row; Followed me in Far Lands. On Brighton's +Shingly Beach, or Margate's Sand, the Voice Outpiped the +Roaring of the Sea; it Nestles in my Nightcap, and It +Whispers, 'Wake, Slumberer, thy Work Is Not Yet Done.' +Last Year, By Moonlight, in the Colosseum, the Little +Sedulous Voice Came To Me and Said, 'Smith, or Jones' +(The Writer's Name is Neither Here nor There), 'Smith or +Jones, my fine fellow, this is all very well, but you +ought to be at home writing your great work on SNOBS. + +When a man has this sort of vocation it is all nonsense +attempting to elude it. He must speak out to the +nations; he must unbusm himself, as Jeames would say, or +choke and die. 'Mark to yourself,' I have often mentally +exclaimed to your humble servant, 'the gradual way in +which you have been prepared for, and are now led by an +irresistible necessity to enter upon your great labour. +First, the World was made: then, as a matter of course, +Snobs; they existed for years and years, and were no more +known than America. But presently,--INGENS PATEBAT +TELLUS,--the people became darkly aware that there was +such a race. Not above five-and-twenty years since, a +name, an expressive monosyllable, arose to designate that +race. That name has spread over England like railroads +subsequently; Snobs are known and recognized throughout +an Empire on which I am given to understand the Sun never +sets. PUNCH appears at the ripe season, to chronicle +their history: and the individual comes forth to write +that history in PUNCH.' + +I have (and for this gift I congratulate myself with Deep +and Abiding Thankfulness) an eye for a Snob. If the +Truthful is the Beautiful, it is Beautiful to study even +the Snobbish; to track Snobs through history, as certain +little dogs in Hampshire hunt out truffles; to sink +shafts in society and come upon rich veins of Snobore. +Snobbishness is like Death in a quotation from Horace, +which I hope you never have heard, 'beating with equal +foot at poor men's doors, and kicking at the gates of +Emperors.' It is a great mistake to judge of Snobs +lightly, and think they exist among the lower classes +merely. An immense percentage of Snobs, I believe, is to +be found in every rank of this mortal life. You must not +judge hastily or vulgarly of Snobs: to do so shows that +you are yourself a Snob. I myself have been taken for +one. + +When I was taking the waters at Bagnigge Wells, and +living at the 'Imperial Hotel' there, there used to sit +opposite me at breakfast, for a short time, a Snob so +insufferable that I felt I should never get any benefit +of the waters so long as he remained. His name was +Lieutenant-Colonel Snobley, of a certain dragoon +regiment. He wore japanned boots and moustaches: he +lisped, drawled, and left the 'r's' out of his words: he +was always flourishing about, and smoothing his lacquered +whiskers with a huge flaming bandanna, that filled the +room with an odour of musk so stifling that I determined +to do battle with that Snob, and that either he or I +should quit the Inn. I first began harmless +conversations with him; frightening him exceedingly, for +he did not know what to do when so attacked, and had +never the slightest notion that anybody would take such a +liberty with him as to speak first: then I handed him the +paper: then, as he would take no notice of these +advances, I used to look him in the face steadily and-- +and use my fork in the light of a toothpick. After two +mornings of this practice, he could bear it no longer, +and fairly quitted the place. + +Should the Colonel see this, will he remember the Gent +who asked him if he thought Publicoaler was a fine +writer, and drove him from the Hotel with a four-pronged +fork? + + + +CHAPTER I + +THE SNOB PLAYFULLY DEALT WITH + + +There are relative and positive Snobs. I mean by +positive, such persons as are Snobs everywhere, in all +companies, from morning till night, from youth to the +grave, being by Nature endowed with Snobbishness--and +others who are Snobs only in certain circumstances and +relations of life. + +For instance: I once knew a man who committed before me +an act as atrocious as that which I have indicated in the +last chapter as performed by me for the purpose of +disgusting Colonel Snobley; viz, the using the fork in +the guise of a toothpick. I once, I say, knew a man who, +dining in my company at the 'Europa Coffee-house,' +(opposite the Grand Opera, and, as everybody knows, the +only decent place for dining at Naples,) ate peas with +the assistance of his knife. He was a person with whose +society I was greatly pleased at first--indeed, we had +met in the crater of Mount Vesuvius, and were +subsequently robbed and held to ransom by brigands in +Calabria, which is nothing to the purpose--a man of great +powers, excellent heart, and varied information; but I +had never before seen him with a dish of pease, and his +conduct in regard to them caused me the deepest pain. + +After having seen him thus publicly comport himself, but +one course was open to me--to cut his acquaintance. I +commissioned a mutual friend (the Honourable Poly Anthus) +to break the matter to this gentleman as delicately as +possible, and to say that painful circumstances--in +nowise affecting Mr. Marrowfat's honour, or my esteem for +him--had occurred, which obliged me to forego my intimacy +with him; and accordingly we met and gave each other the +cut direct that night at the Duchess of Monte Fiasco's +ball. + +Everybody at Naples remarked the separation of the Damon +and Pythias--indeed, Marrowfat had saved my life more +than once--but, as an English gentleman, what was I to +do? + +My dear friend was, in this instance, the Snob RELATIVE. +It is not snobbish of persons of rank of any other nation +to employ their knife in the manner alluded to. I have +seen Monte Fiasco clean his trencher with his knife, and +every Principe in company doing likewise. I have seen, +at the hospitable board of H.I.H. the Grand Duchess +Stephanie of Baden--(who, if these humble lines should +come under her Imperial eyes, is besought to remember +graciously the most devoted of her servants)--I have +seen, I say, the Hereditary Princess of Potztausend- +Donnerwetter (that serenely-beautiful woman) use her +knife in lieu of a fork or spoon; I have seen her almost +swallow it, by Jove! like Ramo Samee, the Indian juggler. +And did I blench? Did my estimation for the Princess +diminish? No, lovely Amalia! One of the truest passions +that ever was inspired by woman was raised in this bosom +by that lady. Beautiful one! long, long may the knife +carry food to those lips! the reddest and loveliest in +the world! + +The cause of my quarrel with Marrowfat I never breathed +to mortal soul for four years. We met in the halls of +the aristocracy--our friends and relatives. We jostled +each other in the dance or at the board; but the +estrangement continued, and seemed irrevocable, until the +fourth of June, last year. + +We met at Sir George Golloper's. We were placed, he on +the right, your humble servant on the left of the +admirable Lady G.. Peas formed part of the banquet-- +ducks and green peas. I trembled as I saw Marrowfat +helped, and turned away sickening, lest I should behold +the weapon darting down his horrid jaws. + +What was my astonishment, what my delight, when I saw him +use his fork like any other Christian! He did not +administer the cold steel once. Old times rushed back +upon me--the remembrance of old services--his rescuing me +from the brigands--his gallant conduct in the affair with +the Countess Dei Spinachi--his lending me the 1,700L. I +almost burst into tears with joy--my voice trembled with +emotion. 'George, my boy!' I exclaimed, 'George +Marrowfat, my dear fellow! a glass of wine!' + +Blushing--deeply moved--almost as tremulous as I was +myself, George answered, 'FRANK, SHALL IT BE HOCK OR +MADEIRA? I could have hugged him to my heart but for the +presence of the company. Little did Lady Golloper know +what was the cause of the emotion which sent the duckling +I was carving into her ladyship's pink satin lap. The +most good-natured of women pardoned the error, and the +butler removed the bird. + +We have been the closest friends over since, nor, of +course, has George repeated his odious habit. He +acquired it at a country school, where they cultivated +peas and only used two-pronged forks, and it was only by +living on the Continent where the usage of the four-prong +is general, that he lost the horrible custom. + +In this point--and in this only--I confess myself a +member of the Silver-Fork School; and if this tale but +induce one of my readers to pause, to examine in his own +mind solemnly, and ask, 'Do I or do I not eat peas with a +knife?'--to see the ruin which may fall upon himself by +continuing the practice, or his family by beholding the +example, these lines will not have been written in vain. +And now, whatever other authors may be, I flatter myself, +it will be allowed that I, at least, am a moral man. + +By the way, as some readers are dull of comprehension, I +may as well say what the moral of this history is. The +moral is this--Society having ordained certain customs, +men are bound to obey the law of society, and conform to +its harmless orders. + +If I should go to the British and Foreign Institute (and +heaven forbid I should go under any pretext or in any +costume whatever)--if I should go to one of the tea- +parties in a dressing-gown and slippers, and not in the +usual attire of a gentleman, viz, pumps, a gold +waistcoat, a crush hat, a sham frill, and a white choker- +-I should be insulting society, and EATING PEASE WITH MY +KNIFE. Let the porters of the Institute hustle out the +individual who shall so offend. Such an offender is, as +regards society, a most emphatical and refractory Snob. +It has its code and police as well as governments, and he +must conform who would profit by the decrees set forth +for their common comfort. + +I am naturally averse to egotism, and hate selflaudation +consumedly; but I can't help relating here a circumstance +illustrative of the point in question, in which I must +think I acted with considerable prudence. + +Being at Constantinople a few years since--(on a delicate +mission),--the Russians were playing a double game, +between ourselves, and it became necessary on our part to +employ an EXTRA NEGOTIATOR--Leckerbiss Pasha of Roumelia, +then Chief Galeongee of the Porte, gave a diplomatic +banquet at his summer palace at Bujukdere. I was on the +left of the Galeongee, and the Russian agent, Count de +Diddloff, on his dexter side. Diddloff is a dandy who +would die of a rose in aromatic pain: he had tried to +have me assassinated three times in the course of the +negotiation; but of course we were friends in public, and +saluted each other in the most cordial and charming +manner. + +The Galeongee is--or was, alas! for a bow-string has done +for him--a staunch supporter of the old school of Turkish +politics. We dined with our fingers, and had flaps of +bread for plates; the only innovation he admitted was the +use of European liquors, in which he indulged with great +gusto. He was an enormous eater. Amongst the dishes a +very large one was placed before him of a lamb dressed in +its wool, stuffed with prunes, garlic, assafoetida, +capsicums, and other condiments, the most abominable +mixture that ever mortal smelt or tasted. The Galeongee +ate of this hugely; and pursuing the Eastern fashion, +insisted on helping his friends right and left, and when +he came to a particularly spicy morsel, would push it +with his own hands into his guests' very mouths. + +I never shall forget the look of poor Diddloff, when his +Excellency, rolling up a large quantity of this into a +ball and exclaiming, 'Buk Buk' (it is very good), +administered the horrible bolus to Diddloff. The +Russian's eyes rolled dreadfully as he received it: he +swallowed it with a grimace that I thought must precede a +convulsion, and seizing a bottle next him, which he +thought was Sauterne, but which turned out to be French +brandy, he drank off nearly a pint before he know his +error. It finished him; he was carried away from the +dining-room almost dead, and laid out to cool in a +summer-house on the Bosphorus. + +When it came to my turn, I took down the condiment with a +smile, said 'Bismillah,' licked my lips with easy +gratification, and when the next dish was served, made up +a ball myself so dexterously, and popped it down the old +Galeongee's mouth with so much grace, that his heart was +won. Russia was put out of court at once and THE TREATY +of Kabobanople WAS SIGNED. As for Diddloff, all was over +with HIM: he was recalled to St. Petersburg, and Sir +Roderick Murchison saw him, under the No. 3967, working +in the Ural mines. + +The moral of this tale, I need not say, is, that there +are many disagreeable things in society which you are +bound to take down, and to do so with a smiling face. + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE SNOB ROYAL + +Long since at the commencement of the reign of her +present Gracious Majesty, it chanced 'on a fair summer +evening,' as Mr. James would say, that three or four +young cavaliers were drinking a cup of wine after dinner +at the hostelry called the 'King's Arms,' kept by +Mistress Anderson, in the royal village of Kensington. +'Twas a balmy evening, and the wayfarers looked out on a +cheerful scene. The tall elms of the ancient gardens +were in full leaf, and countless chariots of the nobility +of England whirled by to the neighbouring palace, where +princely Sussex (whose income latterly only allowed him +to give tea-parties) entertained his royal niece at a +state banquet. When the caroches of the nobles had set +down their owners at the banquethall, their varlets and +servitors came to quaff a flagon of nut-brown ale in the +'King's Arms' gardens hard by. We watched these fellows +from our lattice. By Saint Boniface 'twas a rare sight! + +The tulips in Mynheer Van Dunck's gardens were not more +gorgeous than the liveries of these pie-coated retainers. +All the flowers of the field bloomed in their ruffled +bosoms, all the hues of the rainbow gleamed in their +plush breeches, and the long-caned ones walked up and +down the garden with that charming solemnity, that +delightfull quivering swagger of the calves, which has +always had a frantic fascination for us. The walk was +not wide enough for them as the shoulder-knots strutted +up and down it in canary, and crimson, and light blue. + +Suddenly, in the midst of their pride, a little bell was +rung, a side door opened, and (after setting down their +Royal Mistress) her Majesty's own crimson footmen, with +epaulets and black plushes, came in. + +It was pitiable to see the other poor Johns slink off at +this arrival! Not one of the honest private Plushes +could stand up before the Royal Flunkeys. They left the +walk: they sneaked into dark holes and drank tbeir beer +in silence. The Royal Plush kept possession of the +garden until the Royal Plush dinner was announced, when +it retired, and we heard from the pavilion where they +dined, conservative cheers, and speeches, and Kentish +fires. The other Flunkeys we never saw more. + +My dear Flunkeys, so absurdly conceited at one moment and +so abject at the next, are but the types of their masters +in this world. HE WHO MEANLY ADMIRES MEAN THINGS IS A +SNOB--perhaps that is a safe definition of the character. + +And this is why I have, with the utmost respect, ventured +to place The Snob Royal at the head of my list, causing +all others to give way before him, as the Flunkeys before +the royal representative in Kensington Gardens. To say +of such and such a Gracious Sovereign that he is a Snob, +is but to say that his Majesty is a man. Kings, too, are +men and Snobs. In a country where Snobs are in the +majority, a prime one, surely, cannot be unfit to govern. +With us they have succeeded to admiration. + +For instance, James I. was a Snob, and a Scotch Snob, +than which the world contains no more offensive creature. +He appears to have had not one of the good qualities of a +man--neither courage, nor generosity, nor honesty, nor +brains; but read what the great Divines and Doctors of +England said about him! Charles II., his grandson, was a +rogue, but not a Snob; whilst Louis XIV., his old +squaretoes of a contemporary,--the great worshipper of +Bigwiggery--has always struck me as a most undoubted and +Royal Snob. + +I will not, however, take instances from our own country +of Royal Snobs, but refer to a neighbouring kingdom, that +of Brentford--and its monarch, the late great and +lamented Gorgius IV. With the same humility with which +the footmen at the 'King's Arms' gave way before the +Plush Royal, the aristocracy of the Brentford nation bent +down and truckled before Gorgius, and proclaimed him the +first gentleman in Europe. And it's a wonder to think +what is the gentlefolks' opinion of a gentleman, when +they gave Gorgius such a title. + +What is it to be a gentleman? Is it to be honest, to be +gentle, to be generous, to be brave, to be wise, and, +possessing all these qualities, to exercise them in the +most graceful outward manner? Ought a gentleman to be a +loyal son, a true husband, and honest father? Ought his +life to be decent--his bills to be paid--his tastes to be +high and elegant--his aims in life lofty and noble? In +a word, ought not the Biography of a First Gentleman in +Europe to be of such a nature that it might be read in +Young Ladies' Schools with advantage, and studied with +profit in the Seminaries of Young Gentlemen? I put this +question to all instructors of youth--to Mrs. Ellis and +the Women of England; to all schoolmasters, from Doctor +Hawtrey down to Mr. Squeers. I conjure up before me an +awful tribunal of youth and innocence, attended by its +venerable instructors (like the ten thousand red-cheeked +charity-children in Saint Paul's), sitting in judgment, +and Gorgius pleading his cause in the midst. Out of +Court, out of Court, fat old Florizel! Beadles, turn out +that bloated, pimple-faced man!--If Gorgius MUST have a +statue in the new Palace which the Brentford nation is +building, it ought to be set up in the Flunkeys' Hall. +He should be represented cutting out a coat, in which art +he is said to have excelled. He also invented Maraschino +punch, a shoe-buckle (this was in the vigour of his +youth, and the prime force of his invention), and a +Chinese pavilion, the most hideous building in the world. +He could drive a four-in-hand very nearly as well as the +Brighton coachman, could fence elegantly, and it is said, +played the fiddle well. And he smiled with such +irresistible fascination, that persons who were +introduced into his august presence became his victims, +body and soul, as a rabbit becomes the prey of a great +big boa-constrictor. + +I would wager that if Mr. Widdicomb were, by a +revolution, placed on the throne of Brentford, people +would be equally fascinated by his irresistibly majestic +smile and tremble as they knelt down to kiss his hand. +If he went to Dublin they would erect an obelisk on the +spot where he first landed, as the Paddylanders did when +Gorgius visited them. We have all of us read with +delight that story of the King's voyage to Haggisland, +where his presence inspired such a fury of loyalty and +where the most famous man of the country--the Baron of +Bradwardine--coming on board the royal yacht, and finding +a glass out of which Gorgius had drunk, put it into his +coatpocket as an inestimable relic, and went ashore in +his boat again. But the Baron sat down upon the glass +and broke it, and cut his coat-tails very much; and the +inestimable relic was lost to the world for ever. O +noble Bradwardine! what old-world superstition could set +you on your knees before such an idol as that? + +If you want to moralise upon the mutability of human +affairs, go and see the figure of Gorgius in his real, +identical robes, at the waxwork.--Admittance one +shilling. Children and flunkeys sixpence. Go, and pay +sixpence. + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE INFLUENCE OF THE ARISTOCRACY ON SNOBS + +Last Sunday week, being at church in this city, and the +service just ended, I heard two Snobs conversing about +the Parson. One was asking the other who the clergyman +was? 'He is Mr. So-and-so,' the second Snob answered, +'domestic chaplain to the Earl of What-d'ye-call'im.' +'Oh, is he' said the first Snob, with a tone of +indescribable satisfaction.--The Parson's orthodoxy and +identity were at once settled in this Snob's mind. He +knew no more about the Earl than about the Chaplain, but +he took the latter's character upon the authority of the +former; and went home quite contented with his Reverence, +like a little truckling Snob. + +This incident gave me more matter for reflection even +than the sermon: and wonderment at the extent and +prevalence of Lordolatory in this country. What could it +matter to Snob whether his Reverence were chaplain to his +Lordship or not? What Peerageworship there is all +through this free country! How we are all implicated in +it, and more or less down on our knees.--And with regard +to the great subject on hand, I think that the influence +of the Peerage upon Snobbishness has been more remarkabie +than that of any other institution. The increase, +encouragement, and maintenance of Snobs are among the +'priceless services,' as Lord John Russell says, which we +owe to the nobility. + +It can't be otherwise. A man becomes enormously rich, or +he jobs successfully in the aid of a Minister, or he wins +a great battle, or executes a treaty, or is a clever +lawyer who makes a multitude of fees and ascends the +bench; and the country rewards him for ever with a gold +coronot (with more or less balls or leaves) and a title, +and a rank as legislator. 'Your merits are so great,' +says the nation, 'that your children shall be allowed to +reign over us, in a manner. It does not in the least +matter that your eldest son be a fool: we think your +services so remarkable, that he shall have the reversion +of your honours when death vacates your noble shoes. If +you are poor, we will give you such a sum of money as +shall enable you and the eldest-born of your race for +ever to live in fat and splendour. It is our wish that +there should be a race set apart in this happy country, +who shall hold the first rank, have the first prizes and +chances in all government jobs and patronages. We cannot +make all your dear children Peers--that would make +Peerage common and crowd the House of Lords +uncomfortably--but the young ones shall have everything a +Government can give: they shall get the pick of all the +places: they shall be Captains and Lieutenant-Colonels at +nineteen, when hoary-headed old lieutenants are spending +thirty years at drill: they shall command ships at one- +and-twenty, and veterans who fought before they were +born. And as we are eminently a free people, and in +order to encourage all men to do their duty, we say to +any man of any rank--get enormously rich, make immense +fees as a lawyer, or great speeches, or distinguish +yourself and win battles--and you, even you, shall come +into the privileged class, and your children shall reign +naturally over ours.' + +How can we help Snobbishness, with such a prodigious +national institution erected for its worship? How can we +help cringing to Lords? Flesh and blood can't do +otherwise. What man can withstand this prodigious +temptation? Inspired by what is called a noble +emulation, some people grasp at honours and win them; +others, too weak or mean, blindly admire and grovel +before those who have gained them; others, not being able +to acquire them, furiously hate, abuse, and envy. There +are only a few bland and not-in-the-least-conceited +philosophers, who can behold the state of society, viz., +Toadyism, organised:--base Man-and-Mammon worship, +instituted by command of law:--Snobbishness, in a word, +perpetuated,--and mark the phenomenon calmly. And of +these calm moralists, is there one, I wonder, whose heart +would not throb with pleasure if he could be seen walking +arm-in-arm with a couple of dukes down Pall Mall? No it +is impossible in our condition of society, not to be +sometimes a Snob. + +On one hand it encourages the commoner to be snobbishly +mean, and the noble to be snobbishly arrogant. When a +noble marchioness writes in her travels about the hard +necessity under which steam-boat travellers labour of +being brought into contact 'with all sorts and conditions +of people:' implying that a fellowship with God's +creatures is disagreeable to to her Ladyship, who is +their superier:--when, I say, the Marchioness of ---- +writes in this fashion, we must consider that out of her +natural heart it would have been impossible for any woman +to have had such a sentiment; but that the habit of +truckling and cringing, which all who surround her have +adopted towards this beautiful and magnificent lady,-- +this proprietor of so many black and other diamonds,--has +really induced her to believe that she is the superior of +the world in general: and that people are not to +associate with her except awfully at a distance. I +recollect being once at the city of Grand Cairo, through +which a European Royal Prince was passing India-wards. +One night at the inn there was a great disturbance: a man +had drowned himself in the well hard by: all the +inhabitants of the hotel came bustling into the Court, +and amongst others your humble servant, who asked of a +certain young man the reason of the disturbance. How was +I to know that this young gent was a prince? He had not +his crown and sceptre on: he was dressed in a white +jacket and felt hat: but he looked surprised at anybody +speaking to him: answered an unintelligible monosyllable, +and--BECKONED HIS AID-DE-CAMP TO COME AND SPEAK TO ME. +It is our fault, not that of the great, that they should +fancy themselves so far above us. If you WILL fling +yourself under the wheels, Juggernaut will go over you, +depend upon it; and if you and I, my dear friend, had +Kotow performed before us every day,--found people +whenever we appeared grovelling in slavish adoration, we +should drop into the airs of superiority quite naturally, +and accept the greatness with which the world insisted +upon endowing us. + +Here is an instance, out of Lord L----'s travels, of that +calm, good-natured, undoubting way in which a great man +accepts the homage of his inferiors. After making some +profound and ingenious remarks about the town of +Brussells, his lordship says:--'Staying some day at the +Hotel de Belle Vue, a greatly overrated establishment, +and not nearly as comfortable as the Hotel de France--I +made acquaintance with Dr. L----, the physician of the +Mission. He was desirous of doing the honours of the +place to me, and he ordered for us a DINER EN GOURMAND at +the chief restaurateur's, maintaining it surpassed the +Rocher at Paris. Six or eight partook of the +entertainment, and we all agreed it was infinitely +inferior to the Paris display, and much more extravagant. +So much for the copy. + +And so much for the gentleman who gave the dinner. Dr. +L----, desirous to do his lordship 'the honour of the +place,' feasts him with the best victuals money can +procure--and my lord finds the entertainment extravagant +and inferior. Extravagant! it was not extravagant to +HIM;--Inferior! Mr. L---- did his best to satisfy those +noble jaws, and my lord receives the entertainment, and +dismisses the giver with a rebuke. It is like a three- +tailed Pasha grumbling about an unsatisfactory +backsheesh. + +But how should it be otherwise in a country where +Lordolatry is part of our creed, and where our children +are brought up to respect the 'Peerage' as the +Englishman's second Bible? + + + +CHAPTER IV + +THE COURT CIRCULAR, AND ITS INFLUENCE ON SNOBS + +Example is the best of precepts; so let us begin with a +true and authentic story, showing how young aristocratic +snobs are reared, and how early their Snobbishness may be +made to bloom. A beautiful and fashionable lady-- +(pardon, gracious madam, that your story should be made +public; but it is so moral that it ought to be known to +the universal world)--told me that in her early youth she +had a little acquaintance, who is now indeed a beautiful +and fashionable lady too. In mentioning Miss Snobky, +daughter of Sir Snobby Snobky, whose presentation at +Court caused such a sensation, need I say more? + +When Miss Snobky was so very young as to be in the +nursery regions, and to walk off early mornings in St. +James's Park, protected by a French governess and +followed by a huge hirsute flunkey in the canary coloured +livery of the Snobkys, she used occasionally in these +promenades to meet with young Lord Claude Lollipop, the +Marquis of Sillabub's younger son. In the very height of +the season, from some unexplained cause, the Snobkys +suddenly determined upon leaving town. Miss Snobky spoke +to her female friend and confidante. 'What will poor +Claude Lollipop say when he hears of my absence?' asked +the tender-hearted child. + +'Oh, perhaps he won't hear of it,' answers the +confidante. + +'MY DEAR, HE WILL READ IT IN THE PAPERS,' replied the +dear little fashionable rogue of seven years old. She +knew already her importance, and how all the world of +England, how all the would-be-genteel people, how all the +silver-fork worshippers, how all the tattle-mongers, how +all the grocers' ladies, the tailors' ladies, the +attorneys' and merchants' ladies, and the people living +at Clapham and Brunswick Square,--who have no more chance +of consorting with a Snobky than my beloved reader has of +dining with the Emperor of China--yet watched the +movements of the Snobkys with interest and were glad to +know when they came to London and left it. + +Here is the account of Miss Snobky's dress, and that of +her mother, Lady Snobky, from the papers:-- + +'MISS SNOBKY. + +Habit de Cour, composed of a yellow nankeen illusion +dress over a slip of rich pea-green corduroy, trimmed en +tablier, with bouquets of Brussels sprouts: the body and +sleeves handsomely trimmed with calimanco, and festooned +with a pink train and white radishes. Head-dress, +carrots and lappets. + +'LADY SNOBKY. + +'Costume de Cour, composed of a train of the most superb +Pekin bandannas, elegantly trimmed with spangles, +tinfoil, and red-tape. Bodice and underdress of sky-blue +velveteen, trimmed with bouffants and noeuds of bell- +pulls. Stomacher a muffin. Head-dress a bird's nest, +with a bird of paradise, over a rich brass knocker en +ferroniere. This splendid costume, by Madame Crinoline, +of Regent Street, was the object of universal +admiration.' + +This is what you read. Oh, Mrs. Ellis! Oh, mothers, +daughters, aunts, grandmothers of England, this is the +sort of writing which is put in the newspapers for you! +How can you help being the mothers, daughters, &c. of +Snobs, so long as this balderdash is set before you? + +You stuff the little rosy foot of a Chinese young lady of +fashion into a slipper that is about the size of a salt- +cruet, and keep the poor little toes there imprisoned and +twisted up so long that the dwarfishness becomes +irremediable. Later, the foot would not expand to the +natural size were you to give her a washing-tub for a +shoe and for all her life she has little feet, and is a +cripple. Oh, my dear Miss Wiggins, thank your stars that +those beautiful feet of yours--though I declare when you +walk they are so small as to be almost invisible--thank +your stars that society never so practised upon them; but +look around and see how many friends of ours in the +highest circles have had their BRAINS so prematurely and +hopelessly pinched and distorted. + +How can you expect that those poor creatures are to move +naturally when the world and their parents have mutilated +them so cruelly? As long as a COURT CIRCULAR exists, how +the deuce are people whose names are chronicled in it +ever to believe themselves the equals of the cringing +race which daily reads that abominable trash? I believe +that ours is the only country in the world now where the +COURT CIRCULAR remains in full flourish--where you read, +'This day his Royal Highness Prince Pattypan was taken an +airing in his go-cart.' 'The Princess Pimminy was taken +a drive, attended by her ladies of honour, and +accompanied by her doll,' &c. We laugh at the solemnity +with which Saint Simon announces that SA MAJESTE SE +MEDICAMENTE AUJOURD'HUI. Under our very noses the same +folly is daily going on. "That wonderful and mysterious +man, the author of the COURT CIRCULAR, drops in with his +budget at the newspaper offices every night. I once +asked the editor of a paper to allow me to lie in wait +and see him. + +I am told that in a kingdom where there is a German King- +Consort (Portugal it must be, for the Queen of that +country married a German Prince, who is greatly admired +and respected by the natives), whenever the Consort takes +the diversion of shooting among the rabbit-warrens of +Cintra, or the pheasant-preserve of Mafra, he has a +keeper to load his guns, as a matter of course, and then +they are handed to the nobleman, his equerry, and the +nobleman hands them to the Prince who blazes away--gives +back the discharged gun to the nobleman, who gives it to +the keeper, and so on. But the Prince WON'T TAKE THE GUN +FROM THE HANDS OF THE LOADER. + +As long as this unnatural and monstrous etiquette +continues, Snobs there must be. The three persons +engaged in this transaction are, for the time being, +Snobs. + +1. The keeper--the least Snob of all, because he is +discharging his daily duty; but he appears here as a +Snob, that is to say, in a position of debasement,before +another human being (the Prince), with whom he is allowed +to cemmunicate through another party. A free Portuguese +gamekeeper, who professes himself to be unworthy to +communicate directly with any person, confesses himself +to be a Snob. + +2. The nobleman in waiting is a Snob. If it degrades +the Prince to receive the gun from the gamekeeper, it is +degrading to the nobleman in waiting to execute that +service. He acts as a Snob towards the keeper, whom he +keeps from communication with the Prince--a Snob to the +Prince, to whom he pays a degrading homage. + +3. The King-Consort of Portugal is a Snob for insulting +fellow-men in this way. There's no harm in his accepting +the services of the keeper directly; but indirectly he +insults the service performed, and the servants who +perform it; and therefore, I say, respectfully, is a most +undoubted, though royal Snob. + +And then you read in the DIARIO DO GOBERNO--'Yesterday +his Majesty the King took the diversion of shooting the +woods off Cintra, attended by Colonel the honourable +Whiskerando Sombrero. His Majesty returned to the +Necessidades to lunch, at,' &c. &c.. + +Oh! that COURT CIRCULAR! once more, I exclaim. + +Down with the COURT CIRCULAR--that engine and propagator +of Snobbishness! I promise to subscribe for a year to +any daily paper that shall come out without a COURT +CIRCULAR--were it the MORNING HERALD itself. When I read +that trash, I rise in my wrath; I feel myself disloyal, a +regicide, a member of the Calf's Head Club. The only +COURT CIRCULAR story which ever pleased me, was that of +the King of Spain, who in great part was roasted, because +there was not time for the Prime Minister to command the +Lord Chamberlain to desire the Grand Gold Stick to order +the first page in waiting to bid the chief of the +flunkeys to request the House-maid of Honour to bring up +a pail of water to put his Majesty out. + +I am like the Pasha of three tails, to whom the Sultan +sends HIS COURT CIRCULAR, the bowstring. + +It CHOKES me. May its usage be abolished for ever. + + + +CHAPTER V + +WHAT SNOBS ADMIRE + +Now let us consider how difficult it is even for great +men to escape from being Snobs. It is very well for the +reader, whose fine feelings are disgusted by the +assertion that Kings, Princes, Lords, are Snobs, to say +'You are confessedly a Snob yourself. In professing to +depict Snobs, it is only your own ugly mug which you are +copying with a Narcissus-like conceit and fatuity.' But +I shall pardon this explosion of ill-temper on the part +of my constant reader, reflecting upon the misfortune of +his birth and country. It is impossible for ANY Briton, +perhaps, not to be a Snob in some degree. If people can +be convinced of this fact, an immense point is gained, +surely. If I have pointed out the disease, let us hope +that other scientific characters may discover the remedy. + +If you, who are a person of the middle ranks of life, are +a Snob,--you whom nobody flatters particularly; you who +have no toadies; you whom no cringing flunkeys or shopmen +bow out of doors; you whom the policeman tells to move +on; you who are jostled in the crowd of this world, and +amongst the Snobs our brethren: consider how much harder +it is for a man to escape who has not your advantages, +and is all his life long subject to adulation; the butt +of meanness; consider how difficult it is for the Snobs' +idol not to be a Snob. + +As I was discoursing with my friend Eugenio in this +impressive way, Lord Buckram passed us, the son of the +Marquis of Bagwig, and knocked at the door of the family +mansion in Red Lion Square. His noble father and mother +occupied, as everybody knows, distinguished posts in the +Courts of late Sovereigns. The Marquis was Lord of the +Pantry, and her Ladyship, Lady of the Powder Closet to +Queen Charlotte. Buck (as I call him, for we are very +familiar) gave me a nod as he passed, and I proceeded to +show Eugenio how it was impossible that this nobleman +should not be one of ourselves, having been practised +upon by Snobs all his life. + +His parents resolved to give him a public education, and +sent him to school at the earliest possible period. The +Reverend Otto Rose, D.D., Principal of the Preparatory +Academy for young noblemen and gentlemen, Richmond Lodge, +took this little Lord in hand, and fell down and +worshipped him. He always introduced him to fathers and +mothers who came to visit their children at the school. +He referred with pride and pleasure to the most noble the +Marquis of Bagwig, as one of the kind friends and patrons +of his Seminary. He made Lord Buckram a bait for such a +multiplicity of pupils, that a new wing was built to +Richmond Lodge, and thirty-five new little white dimity +beds were added to the establishment. Mm. Rose used to +take out the little Lord in the one-horse chaise with her +when she paid visits, until the Rector's lady and the +Surgeon's wife almost died with envy. His own son and +Lord Buckram having been discovered robbing an orchard +together, the Doctor flogged his own flesh and blood most +unmercifully for leading the young Lord astray. He +parted from him with tears. There was always a letter +directed to the Most Noble the Marquis ef Bagwig, on the +Doctor's study table, when any visitors were received by +him. + +At Eton, a great deal of Snobbishness was thrashed out of +Lord Buckram, and he was birched with perfect +impartiality. Even there, however, a select band of +sucking tuft-hunters followed him. Young Croesus lent +him three-and-twenty bran-new sovereigns out of his +father's bank. Young Snaily did his exercises for him, +and tried 'to know him at home;' but Young Bull licked +him in a fight of fifty-five minutes, and he was caned +several times with great advantage for not sufficiently +polishing his master Smith's shoes. Boys are not ALL +toadies in the morning of life. + +But when he went to the University, crowds of toadies +sprawled over him. The tutors toadied him. The fellows +in hall paid him great clumsy compliments. The Dean +never remarked his absence from Chapel, or heard any +noise issuing from his rooms. A number of respectable +young fellows, (it is among the respectable, the Baker +Street class, that Snobbishness flourishes, more than +among any set of people in England)--a number of these +clung to him like leeches. There was no end now to +Croesus's loans of money; and Buckram couldn't ride out +with the hounds, but Snaily (a timid creature by nature) +was in the field, and would take any leap at which his +friend chose to ride. Young Rose came up to the same +College, having been kept back for that express purpose +by his father. He spent a quarter's allowance in giving +Buckram a single dinner; but he knew there was always +pardon for him for extravagance in such a cause; and a +ten-pound note always came to him from home when he +mentioned Buckram's name in a letter. What wild visions +entered the brains of Mrs. Podge and Miss Podge, the wife +and daughter of the Principal of Lord Buckram's College, +I don't know, but that reverend old gentleman was too +profound a flunkey by nature ever for one minute to think +that a child of his could marry a nobleman. He therefore +hastened on his daughter's union with Professer Crab. + +When Lord Buckram, after taking his honorary degree, (for +Alma Mater is a Snob, too, and truckles to a Lord like +the rest,)--when Lord Buckram went abread to finish his +education, you all know what dangers he ran, and what +numbers of caps were set at him. Lady Leach and her +daughters followed him from Paris to Rome, and from Rome +to Baden-Baden; Miss Leggitt burst into tears before his +face when he announced his determination to quit Naples, +and fainted on the neck of her mamma: Captain Macdragon, +of Macdragonstown, County Tipperary, called upon him to +'explene his intintions with respect to his sisther, Miss +Amalia Macdragon, of Macdragonstown,' and proposed to +shoot him unless he married that spotless and beautiful +young creature, who was afterwards led to the altar by +Mr. Muff, at Cheltenham. If perseverance and forty +thousand pounds down could have tempted him, Miss Lydia +Croesus would certainly have been Lady Buckram. Count +Towrowski was glad to take her with half the meney, as +all the genteel world knows. + +And now, perhaps, the reader is anxious to know what sort +of a man this is who wounded so many ladies' hearts, and +who has been such a prodigious favourite with men. If we +were to describe him it would be personal. Besides, it +really does not matter in the least what sort of a man he +is, or what his personal qualities are. + +Suppose he is a young nobleman of a literary turn, and +that he published poems ever so foolish and feeble, the +Snobs would purchase thousands of his volumes: the +publishers (who refused my Passion-Flowers, and my grand +Epic at any price) would give him his own. Suppose he is +a nobleman of a jovial turn, and has a fancy for +wrenching off knockers, frequenting ginshops, and half +murdering policemen: the public will sympathize good- +naturedly with his amusements, and say he is a hearty, +honest fellow. Suppose he is fond of play and the turf; +and has a fancy to be a blackleg, and occasionally +condescends to pluck a pigeon at cards; the public will +pardon him, and many honest people will court him, as +they would court a housebreaker if he happened to be a +Lord. Suppose he is an idiot; yet, by the glorious +constitution, he is good enough to govern US. Suppose he +is an honest, highminded gentleman; so much the better +for himself. But he may be an ass, and yet respected; or +a ruffian, and yet be exceedingly popular; or a rogue, +and yet excuses will be found for him. Snobs will still +worship him. Male Snobs will do him honour, and females +look kindly upon him, however hideous he may be. + + + +CHAPTER VI + +ON SOME RESPECTABLE SNOBS + +Having received a great deal of obloquy for dragging +monarchs, princes, and the respected nobility into the +Snob category, I trust to please everybody in the present +chapter, by stating my firm opinion that it is among the +RESPECTABLE classes of this vast and happy empire that +the greatest profusion of Snobs is to be found. I pace +down my beloved Baker Street, (I am engaged on a life of +Baker, founder of this celebrated street,) I walk in +Harley Street (where every other house has a hatchment), +Wimpole Street, that is as cheerful as the Catacombs--a +dingy Mausoleum of the genteel:--I rove round Regent's +Park, where the plaster is patching off the house walls; +where Methodist preachers are holding forth to three +little children in the green inclosures, and puffy +valetudinarians are cantering in the solitary mud:--I +thread the doubtful ZIG-ZAGS of May Fair, where Mrs. +Kitty Lorimer's Brougham may be seen drawn up next door +to old Lady Lollipop's belozenged family coach;--I roam +through Belgravia, that pale and polite district, where +all the inhabitants look prim and correct, and the +mansions are painted a faint whity-brown: I lose myself +in the new squares and terraces of the brilliant bran-new +Bayswater-and-Tyburn-Junction line; and in one and all of +these districts the same truth comes across me. I stop +before any house at hazard, and say, 'O house, you are +inhabited--O knocker, you are knocked at--O undressed +flunkey, sunning your lazy calves as you lean against the +iron railings, you are paid--by Snobs.' It is a +tremendous thought that; and it is almost sufficient to +drive a benevolent mind to madness to think that perhaps +there is not one in ten of those houses where the +'Peerage' does not lie on the drawing-room table. +Considering the harm that foolish lying book does, I +would have all the copies of it burned, as the barber +burned all Quixote's books of humbugging chivalry. + +Look at this grand house in the middle of the square. +The Earl of Loughcorrib lives there: he has fifty +thousand a year. A DEJEUNER DANSANT given at his house +last week cost, who knows how much? The mere flowers for +the room and bouquets for the ladies cost four hundred +pounds. That man in drab trousers, coming crying down +the stops, is a dun: Lord Loughcorrib has ruined him, and +won't see him: that is his lordship peeping through the +blind of his study at him now. Go thy ways, Loughcorrib, +thou art a Snob, a heartless pretender, a hypocrite of +hospitality; a rogue who passes forged notes upon +society;--but I am growing too eloquent. + +You see that nice house, No. 23, where a butcher's boy is +ringing the area-bell. He has three muttonchops in his +tray. They are for the dinner of a very different and +very respectable family; for Lady Susan Scraper, and her +daughters, Miss Scraper and Miss Emily Scraper. The +domestics, luckily for them, are on board wages--two huge +footmen in light blue and canary, a fat steady coachman +who is a Methodist, and a butler who would never have +stayed in the family but that he was orderly to General +Scraper when the General distinguished himself at +Walcheren. His widow sent his portrait to the United +Service Club, and it is hung up in one of the back +dressing-closets there. He is represented at a parlour +window with red curtains; in the distance is a whirlwind, +in which cannon are firing off; and he is pointing to a +chart, on which are written the words 'Walcheren, +Tobago.' + +Lady Susan is, as everybody knows by referring to the +'British Bible,' a daughter of the great and good Earl +Bagwig before mentioned. She thinks everything belonging +to her the greatest and best in the world. The first of +men naturally are the Buckrams, her own race: then follow +in rank the Scrapers. The General was the greatest +general: his eldest son, Scraper Buckram Scraper, is at +present the greatest and best; his second son the next +greatest and best; and herself the paragon of women. + +Indeed, she is a most respectable and honourable lady. +She goes to church of course: she would fancy the Church +in danger if she did not. She subscribes to Church and +parish charities; and is a directress of meritorious +charitable institutions--of Queen Charlotte's Lying-in +Hospital, the Washerwomen's Asylum, the British Drummers' +Daughters' Home, &c.. She is a model of a matron. + +The tradesman never lived who could say that he was not +paid on the quarter-day. The beggars of her +neighbourhood avoid her like a pestilence; for while she +walks out, protected by John, that domestic has always +two or three mendicity tickets ready for deserving +objects. Ten guineas a year will pay all her charities. +There is no respectable lady in all London who gets her +name more often printed for such a sum of money. + +Those three mutton-chops which you see entering at the +kitchen-door will be served on the family-plate at seven +o'clock this evening, the huge footman being present, and +the butler in black, and the crest and coat-of-arms of +the Scrapers blazing everywhere. I pity Miss Emily +Scraper--she is still young--young and hungry. Is it a +fact that she spends her pocket-money in buns? Malicious +tongues say so; but she has very little to spare for +buns, the poor little hungry soul! For the fact is, that +when the footmen, and the ladies' maids, and the fat +coach-horses, which are jobbed, and the six dinner- +parties in the season, and the two great solemn evening- +parties, and the rent of the big house, and the journey +to an English or foreign watering-place for the autumn, +are paid, my lady's income has dwindled away to a very +small sum, and she is as poor as you or I. + +You would not think it when you saw her big carriage +rattling up to the drawing-room, and caught a glimpse of +her plumes, lappets, and diamonds, waving over her +ladyship's sandy hair and majestical hooked nose;--you +would not think it when you hear 'Lady Susan Scraper's +carriage' bawled out at midnight so as to disturb all +Belgravia:--you would not think it when she comes +rustling into church, the obsequious John behind with the +bag of Prayer-books. Is it possible, you would say, that +so grand and awful a personage as that can be hard-up for +money? Alas! So it is. + +She never heard such a word as Snob, I will engage, in +this wicked and vulgar world. And, O stars and garters! +how she would start if she heard that she--she, as solemn +as Minerva--she, as chaste as Diana (without that heathen +goddess's unladylike propensity for field-sports)--that +she too was a Snob! + +A Snob she is, as long as she sets that prodigious value +upon herself, upon her name, upon her outward appearance, +and indulges in that intolerable pomposity; as long as +she goes parading abroad, like Solomon in all his glory; +as long as she goes to bed--as I believe she does--with a +turban and a bird of paradise in it, and a court train to +her night-gown; as long as she is so insufferably +virtuous and condescending; as long as she does not cut +at least one of those footmen down into mutton-chops for +the benefit of the young ladies. + +I had my notions of her from my old schoolfellow,--her +son Sydney Scraper--a Chancery barrister without any +practice--the most placid, polite, and genteel of Snobs, +who never exceeded his allowance of two hundred a year, +and who may be seen any evening at the 'Oxford and +Cambridge Club,' simpering over the QUARTERLY REVIEW, in +the blameless enjoyment of his half-pint of port. + + + +CHAPTER VII + +ON SOME RESPECTABLE SNOBS + +Look at the next house to Lady Susan Scraper's. The +first mansion with the awning over the door: that canopy +will be let down this evening for the comfort of the +friends of Sir Alured and Lady S. de Mogyns, whose +parties are so much admired by the public, and the givers +themselves. + +Peach-coloured liveries laced with silver, and pea-green +plush inexpressibles, render the De Mogyns' flunkeys the +pride of the ring when they appear in Hyde Park where +Lady de Mogyns, as she sits upon her satin cushions, with +her dwarf spaniel in her arms, bows to the very selectest +of the genteel. Times are altered now with Mary Anne, +or, as she calls herself, Marian de Mogyns. + +She was the daughter of Captain Flack of the Rathdrum +Fencibles, who crossed with his regiment over from +Ireland to Caermarthenshire ever so many years ago, and +defended Wales from the Corsican invader. The Rathdrums +were quartered at Pontydwdlm, where Marian wooed and won +her De Mogyns, a young banker in the place. His +attentions to Miss Flack at a race ball were such that +her father said De Mogyns must either die on the field of +honour, or become his son-in-law. He preferred marriage. +His name was Muggins then, and his father--a flourishing +banker, army-contractor, smuggler, and general jobber-- +almost disinherited him on account of this connection. + +There is a story that Muggins the Elder was made a +baronet for having lent money to a R-y-l p-rs-n-ge. I do +not believe it. The R-y-l Family always paid their +debts, from the Prince of Wales downwards. + +Howbeit, to his life's end he remained simple Sir Thomas +Muggins, representing Pontydwdlm in Parliament for many +years after the war. The old banker died in course of +time, and to use the affectionate phrase common on such +occasions, 'cut up' prodigiously well. His son, Alfred +Smith Mogyns, succeeded to the main portion of his +wealth, and to his titles and the bloody hand of his +scutcheon. It was not for many years after that he +appeared as Sir Alured Mogyns Smyth de Mogyns, with a +genealogy found out for him by the Editor of 'Fluke's +Peerage,' and which appears as follows in that work:- 'De +Mogyns.--Sir Alured Mogyns Smyth, Second Baronet. This +gentleman is a representative of one of the most ancient +families of Wales, who trace their descent until it is +lost in the mists of antiquity. A genealogical tree +beginning with Shem is in the possession of the family, +and is stated by a legend of many thousand years' date to +have been drawn on papyrus by a grandson of the patriarch +himself. Be this as it may, there can be no doubt of the +immense antiquity of the race of Mogyns. + +'In the time of Boadicea, Hogyn Mogyn, of the hundred +Beeves, was a suitor and a rival of Caractacus for the +hand of that Princess. He was a person gigantic in +stature, and was slain by Suetonius in the battle which +terminated the liberties of Britain. From him descended +directly the Princes of Pontydwdlm, Mogyn of the Golden +Harp (see the Mabinogion of Lady Charlotte Guest,) Bogyn- +Merodac-ap-Mogyn, (the black fiend son of Mogyn,) and a +long list of bards and warriors, celebrated both in Wales +and Armorica. The independent Princes of Mogyn long held +out against the ruthless Kings of England, until finally +Gam Mogyns made his submission to Prince Henry, son of +Henry IV., and under the name of Sir David Gam de Mogyns, +was distinguished at the battle of Agincourt. + +>From him the present Baronet is descended. (And here the +descent follows in order until it comes to) Thomas +Muggins, first Baronet of Pontydwdlm Castle, for 23 years +Member of Parliament for that borough, who had issue, +Alured Mogyns Smyth, the present Baronet, who married +Marian, daughter of the late general P. Flack, of +Ballyflack, in the Kingdom of Ireland of the Counts Flack +of the H. R. Empire. Sir Alured has issue, Alured +Caradoc, born 1819, Marian, 1811, Blanche Adeliza, Emily +Doria, Adelaide Obleans, Katinka Rostopchin, Patrick +Flack, died 1809. + +'Arms--a mullion garbled, gules on a saltire reversed of +the second. Crest--a tom-tit rampant regardant. Motto-- +UNG ROY UNG MOGYNS.' + +It was long before Lady de Mogyns shone as a star in the +fashionable world. At first, poor Muggins was the in the +hands of the Flacks, the Clancys, the Tooles, the +Shanahans, his wife's Irish relations; and whilst he was +yet but heir-apparent, his house overflowed with claret +and the national nectar, for the benefit of Hibernian +relatives. Tom Tufto absolutely left the street in which +they lived in London, because he said 'it was infected +with such a confounded smell of whisky from the house of +those IWISH people.' + +It was abroad that they learned to be genteel. They +pushed into all foreign courts, and elbowed their way +into the halls of Ambassadors. They pounced upon the +stray nobility, and seized young lords travelling with +their bear-leaders. They gave parties at Naples, Rome, +and Paris. They got a Royal Prince to attend their +SOIREES at the latter place, and it was here that they +first appeared under the name of De Mogyns, which they +bear with such splendour to this day. + +All sorts of stories are told of the desperate efforts +made by the indomitable Lady de Mogyns to gain the place +she now occupies, and those of my beloved readers who +live in middle life, and are unacquainted with the +frantic struggles, the wicked feuds, the intrigues, +cabals, and disappointments which, as I am given to +understand, reign in the fashionable world, may bless +their stars that they at least are not FASHIONABLE Snobs. +The intrigues set afoot by the De Mogyns to get the +Duchess of Buckskin to her parties, would strike a +Talleyrand with admiration. She had a brain fever after +being disappointed of an invitation to Lady +Aldermanbury's THE DANSANT, and would have committed +suicide but for a ball at Windsor. I have the following +story from my noble friend Lady Clapperclaw herself,-- +Lady Kathleen O'Shaughnessy that was, and daughter of the +Earl of Turfanthunder:- + +'When that odious disguised Irishwoman, Lady Muggins, was +struggling to take her place in the world, and was +bringing out her hidjous daughter Blanche,' said old Lady +Clapperclaw--'Marian has a hump-back and doesn't show, +but she's the only lady in the family)--when that +wretched Polly Muggins was bringing out Blanche, with her +radish of a nose, and her carrots of ringlets, and her +turnip for a face, she was most anxious--as her father +had been a cowboy on my father's land--to be patronized +by us, and asked me point-blank, in the midst of a +silence at Count Volauvent's, the French Ambassador's +dinner, why I had not sent her a card for my ball? + +'"Because my rooms are already too full, and your +ladyship would be crowded inconveniently," says I; indeed +she takes up as much room as an elephant: besides I +wouldn't have her, and that was flat. + +'I thought my answer was a settler to her: but the next +day she comes weeping to my arms--"Dear Lady +Clapperclaw," says she, "it's not for ME; I ask it for my +blessed Blanche! a young creature in her first season, +and not at your ball! My tender child will pine and die +of vexation. I don't want to come. I will stay at home +to nurse Sir Alured in the gout. Mrs. Bolster is going, +I know; she will be Blanche's chaperon." + +'"You wouldn't subscribe for the Rathdrum blanket and +potato fund; you, who come out of the parish," says I, +"and whose grandfather, honest man, kept cows there." + +'"Will twenty guineas be enough, dearest Lady +Clapperclaw?" + +'"Twenty guineas is sufficient," says I, and she paid +them; so I said, "Blanche may come, but not you, mind:" +and she left me with a world of thanks. + +'Would you believe it?--when my ball came, the horrid +woman made her appearance with her daughter! + +"Didn't I tell you not to come?" said I, in a mighty +passion. "What would the world have said?" cries my Lady +Muggins: "my carriage is gone for Sir Alured to the Club; +let me stay only ten minutes, dearest Lady Clapperclaw" + +'"Well as you are here, madam, you may stay and get your +supper," I answered, and so left her, and never spoke a +word more to her all night. + +'And now,' screamed out old Lady Clapperclaw, clapping +her hands, and speaking with more brogue than ever, 'what +do you think, after all my kindness to her, the wicked, +vulgar, odious, impudent upstart of s cowboy's +granddaughter, has done?--she cut me yesterday in Hy' +Park, and hasn't sent me a ticket for her ball to-night, +though they say Prince George is to be there.' + +Yes, such is the fact. In the race of fashion the +resolute and active De Mogyns has passed the poor old +Clapperclaw. Her progress in gentility may be traced by +the sets of friends whom she has courted, and made, and +cut, and left behind her. She has struggled so gallantly +for polite reputation that she has won it: pitilessly +kicking down the ladder as she advanced degree by degree. + +Irish relations were first sacrificed; she made her +father dine in the steward's room, to his perfect +contentment: and would send Sir Alured thither like-wise +but that he is a peg on which she hopes to hang her +future honours; and is, after all, paymaster of her +daughter's fortunes. He is meek and content. He has +been so long a gentleman that he is used to it, and acts +the part of governor very well. In the day-time he goes +from the 'Union' to 'Arthur's,' and from 'Arthur's' to +the 'Union.' He is a dead hand at piquet, and loses a +very comfortable maintenance to some young fellows, at +whist, at the 'Travellers'.' + +His son has taken his father's seat in Parliament, and +has of course joined Young England. He is the only man +in the country who believes in the De Mogynses, and sighs +for the days when a De Mogyns led the van of battle. He +has written a little volume of spoony puny poems. He +wears a lock of the hair of Laud, the Confessor and +Martyr, and fainted when he kissed the Pope's toe at +Rome. He sleeps in white kid-gloves, and commits +dangerous excesses upon green tea. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +GREAT CITY SNOBS + +There is no disguising the fact that this series of +papers is making a prodigious sensation among all classes +in this Empire. Notes of admiration (!), of +interrogation (?), of remonstrance, approval, or abuse, +come pouring into MR. PUNCH'S box. We have been called +to task for betraying the secrets of three different +families of De Mogyns; no less than four Lady Scrapers +have been discovered; and young gentlemen are quite shy +of ordering half-a-pint of port and simpering over the +QUARTERLY REVIEW at the Club, lest they should be +mistaken for Sydney Scraper, Esq. 'What CAN be your +antipathy to Baker Street?' asks some fair remonstrant, +evidently writing from that quarter. + +'Why only attack the aristocratic Snobs?' says one +'estimable correspondent: 'are not the snobbish Snobs to +have their turn?'--'Pitch into the University Snobs!' +writes an indignant gentleman (who spelt ELEGANT with two +I's)--'Show up the Clerical Snob,' suggests another.-- +'Being at "Meurice's Hotel," Paris, some time since,' +some wag hints, 'I saw Lord B. leaning out of the window +with his boots in his hand, and bawling out "GARCON, +CIREZ-MOI CES BOTTES." Oughtn't he to be brought in +among the Snobs?' + +No; far from it. If his lordship's boots are dirty, it +is because he is Lord B., and walks. There is nothing +snobbish in having only one pair of boots, or a favourite +pair; and certainly nothing snobbish in desiring to have +them cleaned. Lord B., in so doing, performed a +perfectly natural and gentlemanlike action; for which I +am so pleased with him that I have had him designed in a +favourable and elegant attitude, and put at the head of +this Chapter in the place of honour. No, we are not +personal in these candid remarks. As Phidias took the +pick of a score of beauties before he completed a Venus, +so have we to examine, perhaps, a thousand Snobs, before +one is expressed upon paper. + +Great City Snobs are the next in the hierarchy, and ought +to be considered. But here is a difficulty. The great +City Snob is commonly most difficult of access. Unless +you are a capitalist, you cannot visit him in the +recesses of his bank parlour in Lombard Street. Unless +you are a sprig of nobility there is little hope of +seeing him at home. In a great City Snob firm there is +generally one partner whose name is down for charities, +and who frequents Exeter Hall; you may catch a glimpse of +another (a scientific City Snob) at my Lord N----'s +SOIREES, or the lectures of the London Institution; of a +third (a City Snob of taste) at picture-auctions, at +private views of exhibitions, or at the Opera or the +Philharmonic. But intimacy is impossible, in most cases, +with this grave, pompous, and awful being. + +A mere gentleman may hope to sit at almost anybody's +table--to take his place at my lord duke's in the +country--to dance a quadrille at Buckingham Palace +itself--(beloved Lady Wilhelmina Wagglewiggle! do you +recollect the sensation we made at the ball of our late +adored Sovereign Queen Caroline, at Brandenburg House, +Hammersmith?) but the City Snob's doors are, for the most +part, closed to him; and hence all that one knows of this +great class is mostly from hearsay. + +In other countries of Europe, the Banking Snob is more +expansive and communicative than with us, and receives +all the world into his circle. For instance, everybody +knows the princely hospitalities of the Scharlaschild +family at Paris, Naples, Frankfort, &c.. They entertain +all the world, even the poor, at their FETES. Prince +Polonia, at Rome, and his brother, the Duke of Strachino, +are also remarkable for their hospitalities. I like the +spirit of the first-named nobleman. Titles not costing +much in the Roman territory, he has had the head clerk of +the banking-house made a Marquis, and his Lordship will +screw a BAJOCCO out of you in exchange as dexterously as +any commoner could do. It is a comfort to be able to +gratify such grandees with a farthing or two; it makes +the poorest man feel that he can do good. 'The Polonias +have intermarried with the greatest and most ancient +families of Rome, and you see their heraldic cognizance +(a mushroom or on an azure field) quartered in a hundred +places in the city with the arms of the Colonnas and +Dorias. + +City Snobs have the same mania for aristocratic +marriages. I like to see such. I am of a savage and +envious nature,--I like to see these two humbugs which, +dividing, as they do, the social empire of this kingdom +between them, hate each other naturally, making truce and +uniting, for the sordid interests of either. I like to +see an old aristocrat, swelling with pride of race, the +descendant of illustrious Norman robbers, whose blood has +been pure for centuries, and who looks down upon common +Englishmen as a free American does on a nigger,--I like +to see old Stiffneck obliged to bow down his head and +swallow his infernal pride, and drink the cup of +humiliation poured out by Pump and Aldgate's butler. +'Pump and Aldgate, says he, 'your grandfather was a +bricklayer, and his hod is still kept in the bank. Your +pedigree begins in a workhouse; mine can be dated from +all the royal palaces of Europe. I came over with the +Conqueror; I am own cousin to Charles Martel, Orlando +Furioso, Philip Augustus, Peter the Cruel, and Frederick +Barbarossa. I quarter the Royal Arms of Brentford in my +coat. I despise you, but I want money; and I will sell +you my beloved daughter, Blanche Stiffneck, for a hundred +thousand pounds, to pay off my mortgages. Let your son +marry her, and she shall become Lady Blanche Pump and +Aldgate.' + +Old Pump and Aldgate clutches at the bargain. And a +comfortable thing it is to think that birth can be bought +for money. So you learn to value it. Why should we, who +don't possess it, set a higher store on it than those who +do? Perhaps the best use of that book, the 'Peerage,' is +to look down the list, and see how many have bought and +sold birth,--how poor sprigs of nobility somehow sell +themselves to rich City Snobs' daughters, how rich City +Snobs purchase noble ladies--and so to admire the double +baseness of the bargain. + +Old Pump and Aldgate buys the article and pays the money. +The sale of the girl's person is blessed by a Bishop at +St. George's, Hanover Square, and next year you read, 'At +Roehampton, on Saturday, the Lady Blanche Pump, of a son +and heir. + +After this interesting event, some old acquaintance, who +saw young Pump in the parlour at the bank in the City, +said to him, familiarly, 'How's your wife, Pump, my boy?' + +Mr. Pump looked exceedingly puzzled and disgusted, and, +after a pause, said, 'LADY BLANCHE PUMP' is pretty well, +I thank you.' + +'OH, I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR WIFE!' said the familiar +brute, Snooks, wishing him good-bye; and ten minutes +after, the story was all over the Stock Exchange, where +it is told, when young Pump appears, to this very day. + +We can imagine the weary life this poor Pump, this martyr +to Mammon, is compelled to undergo. Fancy the domestic +enjoyments of a man who has a wife who scorns him; who +cannot see his own friends in his own house; who having +deserted the middle rank of life, is not yet admitted to +the higher; but who is resigned to rebuffs and delay and +humiliation, contented to think that his son will be more +fortunate. + +It used to be the custom of some very old-fashioned clubs +in this city, when a gentleman asked for change a guinea, +always to bring it to him in WASHED SILVER: that which +had passed immediately out of the hands of vulgar being +considered 'as too coarse to soil a gentleman's fingers.' +So, when the City Snob's money has been washed during a +generation or so; has been washed into estates, and +woods, and castles, and town-mansions, it is allowed to +pass current as real aristocratic coin. Old Pump sweeps +a shop, runs of messages, becomes a confidential clerk +and partner. Pump the Second becomes chief of the house, +spins more and more money, marries his son to an Earl's +daughter. Pump Tertius goes on with the bank; but his +chief business in life is to become the father of Pump +Quartus, who comes out a full-blown aristocrat, and takes +his seat as Baron Pumpington, and his race rules +hereditarily over this nation of Snobs. + + + +CHAPTER IX + +ON SOME MILITARY SNOBS + +As no society in the world is more agreeable than that of +well-bred and well-informed military gentlemen, so, +likewise, none is more insufferable than that of Military +Snobs. They are to be found of all grades, from the +General Officer, whose padded old breast twinkles over +with a score of stars, clasps, and decorations, to the +budding cornet, who is shaving for a beard, and has just +been appointed to the Saxe-Coburg Lancers. + +I have always admired that dispensation of rank in our +country, which sets up this last-named little creature +(who was flogged only last week because he could not +spell) to command great whiskered warriors, who have +faced all dangers of climate and battle; which, because +he has money, to lodge at the agent's, will place him +over the heads of men who have a thousand times more +experience and desert: and which, in the course of time, +will bring him all the honours of his profession, when +the veteran soldier he commanded has got no other reward +for his bravery than a berth in Chelsea Hospital, and the +veteran officer he superseded has slunk into shabby +retirement, and ends his disappointed life on a +threadbare half-pay. + +When I read in the GAZETTE such announcements as +'Lieutenant and Captain Grig, from the Bombardier Guards, +to be Captain, vice Grizzle, who retires,' I know what +becomes of the Peninsular Grizzle; I follow him in spirit +to the humble country town, where he takes up his +quarters, and occupies himself with the most desperate +attempts to live like a gentleman, on the stipend of half +a tailor's foreman; and I picture to myself little Grig +rising from rank to rank, skipping from one regiment to +another, with an increased grade in each, avoiding +disagreeable foreign service, and ranking as a colonel at +thirty;--all because he has money, and Lord Grigsby is +his father, who had the same luck before him. Grig must +blush at first to give his orders to old men in every way +his betters. And as it is very difficult for a spoiled +child to escape being selfish and arrogant, so it is a +very hard task indeed for this spoiled child of fortune +not to be a Snob. + +It must have often been a matter of wonder to the candid +reader, that the army, the most enormous job of all our +political institutions, should yet work so well in the +field; and we must cheerfully give Grig, and his like, +the credit for courage which they display whenever +occasion calls for it. The Duke's dandy regiments fought +as well as any (they said better than any, but that is +absurd). The great Duke himself was a dandy once, and +jobbed on, as Marlborough did before him. But this only +proves that dandies are brave as well as other Britons-- +as all Britons. Let us concede that the high-born Grig +rode into the entrenchments at Sobraon as gallantly as +Corporal Wallop, the ex-ploughboy. + +The times of war are more favourable to him than the +periods of peace. Think of Grig's life in the Bombardier +Guards, or the Jack-boot Guards; his marches from Windsor +to London, from London to Windsor, from Knightsbridge to +Regent's Park; the idiotic services he has to perform, +which consist in inspecting the pipeclay of his company, +or the horses in the stable, or bellowing out 'Shoulder +humps! Carry humps!' all which duties the very smallest +intellect that ever belonged to mortal man would suffice +to comprehend. The professional duties of a footman are +quite as difficult and various. The red-jackets who hold +gentlemen's horses in St. James's Street could do the +work just as well as those vacuous, good-natured, +gentlemanlike, rickety little lieutenants, who may be +seen sauntering about Pall Mall, in high-heeled little +boots, or rallying round the standard of their regiment +in the Palace Court, at eleven o'clock, when the band +plays. Did the beloved reader ever see one of the young +fellows staggering under the flag, or, above all, going +through the operation of saluting it? It is worth a walk +to the Palace to witness that magnificent piece of +tomfoolery. + +I have had the honour of meeting once or twice an old +gentleman, whom I look upon to be a specimen of army- +training, and who has served in crack regiments, or +commanded them, all his life. I allude to Lieutenant- +General the Honourable Sir George Granby Tufto, K.C.B., +K.T.S., K.H., K.S.W., &c. &c.. His manners are +irreproachable generally; in society he is a perfect +gentleman, and a most thorough Snob. + +A man can't help being a fool, be he ever so old, and Sir +George is a greater ass at sixty-eight than he was when +he first entered the army at fifteen. He distinguished +himself everywhere: his name is mentioned with praise in +a score of Gazettes: he is the man, in fact, whose padded +breast, twinkling over with innumerable decorations, has +already been introduced to the reader. It is difficult +to say what virtues this prosperous gentleman possesses. +He never read a book in his life, and, with his purple, +old gouty fingers, still writes a schoolboy hand. He has +reached old age and grey hairs without being the least +venerable. He dresses like an outrageously young man to +the present moment, and laces and pads his old carcass as +if he were still handsome George Tufto of 1800. He is +selfish, brutal, passionate, and a glutton. It is +curious to mark him at table, and see him heaving in his +waistband, his little bloodshot eyes goating over his +meal. He swears considerably in his talk, and tells +filthy garrison stories after dinner. On account of his +rank and his services, people pay the bestarred and +betitled old brute a sort of reverence; and he looks down +upon you and me, and exhibits his contempt for us, with a +stupid and artless candour which is quite amusing to +watch. Perhaps, had he been bred to another profession, +he would not have been the disreputable old creature he +now is. But what other? He was fit for none; too +incorrigibly idle and dull for any trade but this, in +which he has distinguished himself publicly as a good and +gallant officer, and privately for riding races, drinking +port, fighting duels, and seducing women. He believes +himself to be one of the most honourable and deserving +beings in the world. About Waterloo Place, of +afternoons, you may see him tottering in his varnished +boots, and leering under the bonnets of the women who +pass by. When he dies of apoplexy, THE TIMES will have a +quarter of a column about his services and battles--four +lines of print will be wanted to describe his titles and +orders alone--and the earth will cover one of the +wickedest and dullest old wretches that ever strutted +over it. + +Lest it should be imagined that I am of so obstinate a +misanthropic nature as to be satisfied with nothing, I +beg (for the comfort of the forces) to state my belief +that the army is not composed of such persons as the +above. He has only been selected for the study of +civilians and the military, as a specimen of a prosperous +and bloated Army Snob. No: when epaulets are not sold; +when corporal punishments are abolished, and Corporal +Smith has a chance to have his gallantry rewarded as well +as that of Lieutenant Grig; when there is no such rank as +ensign and lieutenant (the existence of which rank is an +absurd anomaly, and an insult upon all the rest of the +army), and should there be no war, I should not be +disinclined to be a major-general myself. + +I have a little sheaf of Army Snobs in my portfolio, but +shall pause in my attack upon the forces till next week. + + + +CHAPTER X + +MILITARY SNOBS + +Walking in the Park yesterday with my young friend Tagg, +and discoursing with him upon the next number of the +Snob, at the very nick of time who should pass us but two +very good specimens of Military Snobs,-- the Sporting +Military Snob, Capt. Rag, and the 'lurking' or raffish +Military Snob, Ensign Famish. Indeed you are fully sure +to meet them lounging on horseback, about five o'clock, +under the trees by the Serpentine, examining critically +the inmates of the flashy broughams which parade up and +down 'the Lady's Mile.' + +Tagg and Rag are very well acquainted, and so the former, +with that candour inseparable from intimate friendship, +told me his dear friend's history. Captain Rag is a +small dapper north-country man. He went when quite a boy +into a crack light cavalry regiment, and by the time he +got his troop, had cheated all his brother officers so +completely, selling them lame horses for sound ones, and +winning their money by all manner of strange and +ingenious contrivances, that his Colonel advised him to +retire; which he did without much reluctance, +accommodating a youngster, who had just entered the +regiment, with a glaudered charger at an uncommonly stiff +figure. + +He has since devoted his time to billiards, steeple- +chasing, and the turf. His head-quarters are 'Rummer's,' +in Conduit Street, where he keeps his kit; but he is ever +on the move in the exercise of his vocation as a +gentleman-jockey and gentleman-leg. + +According to BELL'S LIFE, he is an invariable attendant +at all races, and an actor in most of them. He rode the +winner at Leamington; he was left for dead in a ditch a +fortnight ago at Harrow; and yet there he was, last week, +at the Croix de Berny, pale and determined as ever, +astonishing the BADAUDS of Paris by the elegance of his +seat and the neatness of his rig, as he took a +preliminary gallop on that vicious brute 'The Disowned,' +before starting for 'the French Grand National.' + +He is a regular attendant at the Corner, where he +compiles a limited but comfortable libretto. During +season he rides often in the Park, mounted on a clever +well-bred pony. He is to be seen escorting celebrated +horsewoman, Fanny Highflyer, or in confidential converse +with Lord Thimblerig, the eminent handicapper. + +He carefully avoids decent society, and would rather dine +off a steak at the 'One Tun' with Sam Snaffle the jockey, +Captain O'Rourke, and two or three other notorious turf +robbers, than with the choicest company in London. He +likes to announce at 'Rummer's' that he is going to run +down and spend his Saturday and Sunday in a friendly way +with Hocus, the leg, at his little box near Epsom; where, +if report speak true, many 'rummish plants' are +concocted. + +He does not play billiards often, and never in public: +but when he does play, he always contrives to get hold of +a good flat, and never leaves him till he has done him +uncommonly brown. He has lately been playing a good deal +with Famish. + +When he makes his appearance in the drawing-room, which +occasionally happens at a hunt-meeting or a race-ball, he +enjoys himself extremely. + +His young friend is Ensign Famish, who is not a little +pleased to be seen with such a smart fellow as Rag, +who bows to the best turf company in the Park. Rag lets +Famish accompany him to Tattersall's, and sells him +bargains in horse-flesh, and uses Famish's cab. That +young gentleman's regiment is in India, and he is at home +on sick leave. He recruits his health by being +intoxicated every night, and fortifies his lungs, which +are weak, by smoking cigars all day. The policemen +about the Haymarket know the little creature, and the +early cabmen salute him. The closed doors of fish and +lobster shops open after service, and vomit out little +Famish, who is either tipsy and quarrelsome--when he +wants to fight the cabmen; or drunk and helpless--when +some kind friend (in yellow satin) takes care of him. +All the neighbourhood, the cabmen, the police, the early +potato-men, and the friends in yellow satin, know the +young fellow, and he is called Little Bobby by some of +the very worst reprobates in Europe. + +His mother, Lady Fanny Famish, believes devoutly that +Robert is in London solely for the benefit of consulting +the physician; is going to have him exchanged into a +dragoon regiment, which doesn't go to that odious India; +and has an idea that his chest is delicate, and that he +takes gruel every evening, when he puts his feet in hot +water. Her Ladyship resides at Cheltenham, and is of a +serious turn. + +Bobby frequents the 'Union Jack Club' of course; where he +breakfasts on pale ale and devilled kidneys at three +o'clock; where beardless young heroes of his own sort +congregate, and make merry, and give each other dinners; +where you may see half-a-dozen of young rakes of the +fourth or fifth order lounging and smoking on the steps; +where you behold Slapper's long-tailed leggy mare in the +custody of a red-jacket until the Captain is primed for +the Park with a glass of curacoa; and where you see +Hobby, of the Highland Buffs, driving up with Dobby, of +the Madras Fusiliers, in the great banging, swinging cab, +which the latter hires from Rumble of Bond Street. + +In fact, Military Snobs are of such number and variety, +that a hundred weeks of PUNCH would not suffice to give +an audience to them. There is, besides the disreputable +old Military Snob, who has seen service, the respectable +old Military Snob, who has seen none, and gives himself +the most prodigious Martinet airs. There is the Medical- +Military Snob, who is generally more outrageously +military in his conversation than the greatest SABREUR in +the army. There is the Heavy-Dragoon Snob, whom young +ladies, admire with his great stupid pink face and yellow +moustaches--a vacuous, solemn, foolish, but brave and +honourable Snob. There is the Amateur-Military Snob who +writes Captain on his card because he is a Lieutenant in +the Bungay Militia. There is the Lady-killing Military +Snob; and more, who need not be named. + +But let no man, we repeat, charge MR. PUNCH with +disrespect for the Army in general--that gallant and +judicious Army, every man of which, from F.M. the Duke of +Wellington, &c., downwards--(with the exception of H.R.H. +Field-Marshal Prince Albert, who, however, can hardly +count as a military man,)--reads PUNCH in every quarter +of the globe. + +Let those civilians who sneer at the acquirements of the +army read Sir Harry Smith's account of the Battle of +Aliwal. A noble deed was never told in nobler language. +And you who doubt if chivalry exists, or the age of +heroism has passed by, think of Sir Henry Hardinge, with +his son, 'dear little Arthur,' riding in front of the +lines at Ferozeshah. I hope no English painter will +endeavour to illustrate that scene; for who is there to +do justice to it? The history of the world contains no +more brilliant and heroic picture. No, no; the men who +perform these deeds with such brilliant valour, and +describe them with such modest manliness--SUCH are not +Snobs. Their country admires them, their Sovereign +rewards them, and PUNCH, the universal railer, takes off +his hat and, says, Heaven save them! + + + +CHAPTER XI + +ON CLERICAL SNOBS + +After Snobs-Military, Snobs-Clerical suggest themselves +quite naturally, and it is clear that, with every respect +for the cloth, yet having a regard for truth, humanity, +and the British public, such a vast and influential class +must not be omitted from our notices of the great Snob +world. + +Of these Clerics there are some whose claim to +snobbishness is undoubted, and yet it cannot be discussed +here; for the same reason that PUNCH would not set up his +show in a Cathedral, out of respect for the solemn +service celebrated within. There are some places where +he acknowledges himself not privileged to make a noise, +and puts away his show, and silences his drum, and takes +off his hat, and holds his peace. + +And I know this, that if there are some Clerics who do +wrong, there are straightway a thousand newspapers to +haul up those unfortunates, and cry, 'Fie upon them, fie +upon them!' while, though the press is always ready to +yell and bellow excommunication against these stray +delinquent parsons, it somehow takes very little count of +the many good ones--of the tens of thousands of honest +men, who lead Christian lives, who give to the poor +generously, who deny themselves rigidly, and live and die +in their duty, without ever a newspaper paragraph in +their favour. My beloved friend and reader, I wish you +and I could do the same: and let me whisper my belief, +ENTRE NOUS that of those eminent philosophers who cry out +against parsons the loudest, there are not many who have +got their knowledge of the church by going thither often. + +But you who have ever listened to village bells, or +walked to church as children on sunny Sabbath mornings; +you who have ever seen the parson's wife tending the poor +man's bedside; or the town clergyman threading the dirty +stairs of noxious alleys upon his business;--do not raise +a shout when one falls away, or yell with the mob that +howls after him. + +Every man can do that. When old Father Noah was +overtaken in his cups, there was only one of his sons +that dared to make merry at his disaster, and he was not +the most virtuous of the family. Let us too turn away +silently, nor huzza like a parcel of school-boys, because +some big young rebel suddenly starts up and whops the +schoolmaster. + +I confess, though, if I had by me the names of those +seven or eight Irish bishops, the probates of whose wills +were mentioned in last year's journals, and who died +leaving behind them some two hundred thousand a-piece--I +would like to put THEM up as patrons of my Clerical +Snobs, and operate upon them as successfully as I see +from the newspapers Mr. Eisenberg, Chiropodist, has +lately done upon 'His Grace the Reverend Lord Bishop of +Tapioca.' + +I confess that when those Right Reverend Prelates come up +to the gates of Paradise with their probates of wills in +their hands, I think that their chance is.... But the +gates of Paradise is a far way to follow their Lordships; +so let us trip down again lest awkward questions be asked +there about our own favourite vices too. + +And don't let us give way to the vulgar prejudice, that +clergymen are an over-paid and luxurious body of men. +When that eminent ascetic, the late Sydney Smith--(by the +way, by what law of nature is it that so many Smiths in +this world are called Sydney Smith?)--lauded the system +of great prizes in the Church,--without which he said +gentlemen would not be induced to follow the clerical +profession, he admitted most pathetically that the clergy +in general were by no means to be envied for their +worldly prosperity. From reading the works of some +modern writers of repute, you would fancy that a parson's +life was passed in gorging himself with plum-pudding and +port-wine; and that his Reverence's fat chaps were always +greasy with the crackling of tithe pigs. Caricaturists +delight to represent him so: round, short-necked, pimple- +faced, apoplectic, bursting out of waistcoat, like a +black-pudding, a shovel-hatted fuzz-wigged Silenus. +Whereas, if you take the real man, the poor fellow's +flesh-pots are very scantily furnished with meat. He +labours commonly for a wage that a tailor's foreman would +despise: he has, too, such claims upon his dismal income +as most philosophers would rather grumble to meet; many +tithes are levied upon HIS pocket, let it be remembered, +by those who grudge him his means of livelihood. He has +to dine with the Squire: and his wife must dress neatly; +and he must 'look like a gentleman,' as they call it, and +bring up six great hungry sons as such. Add to this, if +he does his duty, he has such temptations to spend his +money as no mortal man could withstand. Yes; you who +can't resist purchasing a chest of cigars, because they +are so good; or an ormolu clock at Howell and James's, +because it is such a bargain; or a box at the Opera, +because Lablache and Grisi are divine in the PURITANI; +fancy how difficult it is for a parson to resist spending +a half-crown when John Breakstone's family are without a +loaf; or 'standing' a bottle of port for poor old Polly +Rabbits, who has her thirteenth child; or treating +himself to a suit of corduroys for little Bob Scarecrow, +whose breeches are sadly out at elbows. Think of these +temptations, brother moralists and philosophers, and +don't be too hard on the parson. + +But what is this? Instead of 'showing up' the parsons, +are we indulging in maudlin praises of that monstrous +black-coated race? O saintly Francis, lying at rest +under the turf; O Jimmy, and Johnny, and Willy, friends +of my youth! O noble and dear old Elias! how should he +who knows you not respect you and your calling? May this +pen never write a pennyworth again, if it ever casts +ridicule upon either! + + + +CHAPTER XII + +ON CLERICAL SNOBS AND SNOBBISHNESS + +'Dear Mr. Snob,' an amiable young correspondent writes, +who signs himself Snobling, 'ought the clergyman who, at +the request of a noble Duke, lately interrupted a +marriage ceremony between two persons perfectly +authorised to marry, to be ranked or not among the +Clerical Snobs?' + +This, my dear young friend, is not a fair question. One +of the illustrated weekly papers has already seized hold +of the clergyman, and blackened him most unmercifully, by +representing him in his cassock performing the marriage +service. Let that be sufficient punishment; and, if you +please, do not press the query. + +It is very likely that if Miss Smith had come with a +licence to marry Jones, the parson in question, not +seeing old Smith present, would have sent off the beadle +in a cab to let the old gentleman know what was going on; +and would have delayed the service until the arrival of +Smith senior. He very likely thinks it his duty to ask +all marriageable young ladies, who come without their +papa, why their parent is absent; and, no doubt, ALWAYS +sends off the beadle for that missing governor. + +Or, it is very possible that the Duke of Coeurdelion was +Mr. What-d'ye-call'im's most intimate friend, and has +often said to him, 'What-d'ye-call'im, my boy, my +daughter must never marry the Capting. If ever they try +at your church, I beseech you, considering the terms of +intimacy on which we are, to send off Rattan in a hack +cab to fetch me.' + +In either of which cases, you see, dear Snobling, that +though the parson would not have been authorised, yet be +might have been excused for interfering. He has no more +right to stop my marriage than to stop my dinner, to both +of which, as a free-born Briton, I am entitled by law, if +I can pay for them. But, consider pastoral solicitude, a +deep sense of the duties of his office, and pardon this +inconvenient, but genuine zeal. + +But if the clergyman did in the Duke's case what be would +NOT do in Smith's; if be has no more acquaintance with +the Coeurdelion family than I have with the Royal and +Serene House of Saxe-Coburg Gotha,--THEN, I confess, my +dear Snobling, your question might elicit a disagreeable +reply, and one which I respectfully decline to give. I +wonder what Sir George Tufto would say, if a sentry left +his post because a noble lord (not the least connected +with the service) begged the sentinel not to do his duty! + +Alas! that the beadle who canes little boys and drives +them out, cannot drive worldliness out too; what is +worldliness but snobbishness? When, for instance, I read +in the newspapers that the Right Reverend the Lord +Charles James administered the rite of confirmation to a +PARTY OF THE JUVENILE NOBILITY at the Chapel Royal,--as +if the Chapel Royal were a sort of ecclesiastical +Almack's, and young people were to get ready for the next +world in little exclusive genteel knots of the +aristocracy, who were not to be disturbed in their +journey thither by the company of the vulgar:--when I +read such a paragraph as that (and one or two such +generally appear during the present fashionable season), +it seems to me to be the most odious, mean and disgusting +part of that odious, mean, and disgusting publication, +the COURT CIRCULAR; and that snobbishness is therein +carried to quite an awful pitch. What, gentlemen, can't +we even in the Church acknowledge a republic? There, at +least, the Heralds' College itself might allow that we +all of us have the same pedigree, and are direct +descendants of Eve and Adam, whose inheritance is divided +amongst us. + +I hereby call upon all Dukes, Earls, Baronets, and other +potentates, not to lend themselves to this shameful +scandal and error, and beseech all Bishops who read this +publication to take the matter into consideration, and to +protest against the continuance of the practice, and to +declare, 'We WON'T confirm or christen Lord Tomnoddy, or +Sir Carnaby Jenks, to the exclusion of any other young +Christian;' the which declaration if their Lordships are +induced to make, a great LAPIS OFFENSIONIS will be +removed, and the Snob Papers will not have been written +in vain. + +A story is current of a celebrated NOUVEAU-RICHE, who +having had occasion to oblige that excellent prelate the +Bishop of Bullocksmithy, asked his Lordship, in return, +to confirm his children privately in his Lordship's own +chapel; which ceremony the grateful prelate accordingly +performed. Can satire go farther than this? Is there +even in this most amusing of prints, any more NAIVE +absurdity? It is as if a man wouldn't go to heaven +unless he went in a special train, or as if he thought +(as some people think about vaccination) Confirmation +more effectual when administered at first hand. When +that eminent person, the Begum Sumroo, died, it is said +she left ten thousand pounds to the Pope, and ten +thousand to the Archbishop of Canterbury,--so that there +should be no mistake,--so as to make sure of having the +ecclesiastical authorities on her side. This is only a +little more openly and undisguisedly snobbish than the +cases before alluded to. A well-bred Snob is just as +secretly proud of his riches and honours as a PARVENU +Snob who makes the most ludicrous exhibition of them; and +a high-born Marchioness or Duchess just as vain of +herself and her diamonds, as Queen Quashyboo, who sews a +pair of epaulets on to her skirt, and turns out in state +in a cocked hat and feathers. + +It is not out of disrespect to my 'Peerage,' which I love +and honour, (indeed, have I not said before, that I +should be ready to jump out of my skin if two Dukes would +walk down Pall Mall with me?)--it is not out of +disrespect for the individuals, that I wish these titles +had never been invented; but, consider, if there were no +tree, there would be no shadow; and how much more honest +society would be, and how much more serviceable the +clergy would be (which is our present consideration), if +these temptations of rank and continual baits of +worldliness were not in existence, and perpetually thrown +out to lead them astray. + +I have seen many examples of their falling away. When, +for instance, Tom Sniffle first went into the country as +Curate for Mr. Fuddleston (Sir Huddleston Fuddleston's +brother), who resided on some other living, there could +not be a more kind, hardworking, and excellent creature +than Tom. He had his aunt to live with him. His conduct +to his poor was admirable. He wrote annually reams of +the best-intentioned and vapid sermons. When Lord +Brandyball's family came down into the country, and +invited him to dine at Brandyball Park, Sniffle was so +agitated that he almost forgot how to say grace, and +upset a bowl of currant-jelly sauce in Lady Fanny +Toffy's lap. + +What was the consequence of his intimacy with that noble +family? He quarrelled with his aunt for dining out every +night. The wretch forgot his poor altogether, and killed +his old nag by always riding over to Brandyball; where he +revelled in the maddest passion for Lady Fanny. He +ordered the neatest new clothes and ecclesiastical +waistcoats from London; he appeared with corazza-shirts, +lackered boots, and perfumery; he bought a blood-horse +from Bob Toffy: was seen at archery meetings, public +breakfasts,--actually at cover; and, I blush to say, that +I saw him in a stall at the Opera; and afterwards riding +by Lady Fanny's side in Rotten Row. He DOUBLE-BARRELLED +his name, (as many poor Snobs do,) and instead of T. +Sniffle, as formerly, came out, in a porcelain card, as +Rev. T. D'Arcy Sniffle, Burlington Hotel. + +The end of all this may be imagined: when the Earl of +Brandyball was made acquainted with the curate's love for +Lady Fanny, he had that fit of the gout which so nearly +carried him off (to the inexpressible grief of his son, +Lord Alicompayne), and uttered that remarkable speech to +Sniffle, which disposed of the claims of the latter:--' +If I didn't respect the Church, Sir,' his Lordship said, +'by Jove, I'd kick you downstairs:' his Lordship then +fell back into the fit aforesaid; and Lady Fanny, as we +all know, married General Podager. + +As for poor Tom, he was over head and ears in debt as +well as in love: his creditors came down upon him. Mr. +Hemp, of Portugal Street, proclaimed his name lately as a +reverend outlaw; and he has been seen at various foreign +watering-places; sometimes doing duty; sometimes +'coaching' a stray gentleman's son at Carlsruhe or +Kissingen; sometimes--must we say it?-- lurking about the +roulette-tables with a tuft to his chin. + +If temptation had not come upon this unhappy fellow in +the shape of a Lord Brandyball, he might still have been +following his profession, humbly and worthily. He might +have married his cousin with four thousand pounds, the +wine-merchant's daughter (the old gentleman quarrelled +with his nephew for not soliciting wine-orders from Lord +B. for him): he might have had seven children, and taken +private pupils, and eked out his income, and lived and +died a country parson. + +Could he have done better? You who want to know how +great, and good, and noble such a character may be, read +Stanley's 'Life of Doctor Arnold.' + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +ON CLERICAL SNOBS + +Among the varieties of the Snob Clerical, the University +Snob and the Scholastic Snob ought never to be forgotten; +they form a very strong battalion in the black-coated +army. + +The wisdom of our ancestors (which I admire more and more +every day) seemed to have determined that education of +youth was so paltry and unimportant a matter, that almost +any man, armed with a birch and regulation cassock and +degree, might undertake the charge: and many an honest +country gentleman may be found to the present day, who +takes very good care to have a character with his butler +when he engages him and will not purchase a horse without +the warranty and the closest inspection; but sends off +his son, young John Thomas, to school without asking any +questions about the Schoolmaster, and places the lad at +Switchester College, under Doctor Block, because he (the +good old English gentleman) had been at Switchester, +under Doctor Buzwig, forty years ago. + +We have a love for all little boys at school; for many +scores of thousands of them read and love PUNCH:--may he +never write a word that shall not be honest and fit for +them to read! He will not have his young friends to be +Snobs in the future, or to be bullied by Snobs, or given +over to such to be educated. Our connexion with the +youth at the Universities is very close and affectionate. +The candid undergraduate is our friend. The pompous old +College Don trembles in his common room, lest we should +attack him and show him up as a Snob. + +When railroads were threatening to invade the land which +they have since conquered, it may be recollected what a +shrieking and outcry the authorities of Oxford and Eton +made, lest the iron abominations should come near those +seats of pure learning, and tempt the British youth +astray. The supplications were in vain; the railroad is +in upon them, and the old-world institutions are doomed. +I felt charmed to read in the papers the other day a most +veracious puffing advertisement headed, 'To College and +back for Five Shillings.' 'The College Gardens (it said) +will be thrown open on this occasion; the College youths +will perform a regatta; the Chapel of King's College will +have its celebrated music;'--and all for five shillings! +The Goths have got into Rome; Napoleon Stephenson draws +his republican lines round the sacred old cities and the +ecclesiastical big-wigs who garrison them must prepare to +lay down key and crosier before the iron conqueror. + +If you consider, dear reader, what profound snobbishness +the University System produced, you will allow that it is +time to attack some of those feudal middle-age +superstitions. If you go down for five shillings to look +at the 'College Youths,' you may see one sneaking down +the court without a tassel to his cap; another with a +gold or silver fringe to his velvet trencher; a third lad +with a master's gown and hat, walking at ease over the +sacred College grass-plats, which common men must not +tread on. + +He may do it because he is a nobleman. Because a lad is +a lord, the University gives him a degree at the end of +two years which another is seven in acquiring. Because +he is a lord, he has no call to go through an +examination. Any man who has not been to College and +back for five shillings, would not believe in such +distinctions in a place of education, so absurd and +monstrous do they seem to be. + +The lads with gold and silver lace are sons of rich +gentlemen and called Fellow Commoners; they are +privileged to feed better than the pensioners, and to +have wine with their victuals, which the latter can only +get in their rooms. + +The unlucky boys who have no tassels to their caps, are +called sizars--SERVITORS at Oxford--(a very pretty and +gentlemanlike title). A distinction is made in their +clothes because they are poor; for which reason they wear +a badge of poverty, and are not allowed to take their +meals with their fellow-students. + +When this wicked and shameful distinction was set up, it +was of a piece with all the rest--a part of the brutal, +unchristian, blundering feudal system. Distinctions of +rank were then so strongly insisted upon, that it would +have been thought blasphemy to doubt them, as blasphemous +as it is in parts of the United States now for a nigger +to set up as the equal of a white man. A ruffian like +Henry VIII. talked as gravely about the divine powers +vested in him, as if he had been an inspired prophet. A +wretch like James I. not only believed that there was in +himself a particular sanctity, but other people believed +him. Government regulated the length of a merchant's +shoes as well as meddled with his trade, prices, exports, +machinery. It thought itself justified in roasting a man +for his religion, or pulling a Jew's teeth out if he did +not pay a contribution, or ordered him to dress in a +yellow gabardine, and locked him in a particular quarter. + +Now a merchant may wear what boots he pleases, and has +pretty nearly acquired the privilege of buying and +selling without the Government laying its paws upon the +bargain. The stake for heretics is gone; the pillory is +taken down; Bishops are even found lifting up their +voices against the remains of persecution, and ready to +do away with the last Catholic Disabilities. Sir Robert +Peel, though he wished it ever so much, has no power over +Mr. Benjamin Disraeli's grinders, or any means of +violently handling that gentleman's jaw. Jews are not +called upon to wear badges: on the contrary, they may +live in Piccadilly, or the Minories, according to fancy; +they may dress like Christians, and do sometimes in a +most elegant and fashionable manner. + +Why is the poor College servitor to wear that name and +that badge still? Because Universities are the last +places into which Reform penetrates. But now that she +can go to College and back for five shillings, let her +travel down thither. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +ON UNIVERSITY SNOBS + +All the men of Saint Boniface will recognize Hugby and +Crump in these two pictures. They were tutors in our +time, and Crump is since advanced to be President of the +College. He was formerly, and is now, a rich specimen of +a University Snob. + +At five-and-twenty, Crump invented three new metres, and +published an edition of an exceedingly improper Greek +Comedy, with no less than twenty emendations upon the +German text of Schnupfenius and Schnapsius. These +Services to religion instantly pointed him out for +advancement in the Church, and he is now President of +Saint Boniface, and very narrowly escaped the bench. + +Crump thinks Saint Boniface the centre of the world, and +his position as President the highest in England. He +expects the fellows and tutors to pay him the same sort +of service that Cardinals pay to the Pope. I am sure +Crawler would have no objection to carry his trencher, or +Page to hold up the skirts of his gown as he stalks into +chapel. He roars out the responses there as if it were +an honour to heaven that the President of Saint Boniface +should take a part in the service, and in his own lodge +and college acknowledges the Sovereign only as his +superior. + +When the allied monarchs came down, and were made Doctors +of the University, a breakfast was given at Saint +Boniface; on which occasion Crump allowed the Emperor +Alexander to walk before him, but took the PAS himself of +the King of Prussia and Prince Blucher. He was going to +put the Hetman Platoff to breakfast at a side-table with +the under college tutors; but he was induced to relent, +and merely entertained that distinguished Cossack with a +discourse on his own language, in which he showed that +the Hetman knew nothing about it. + +As for us undergraduates, we scarcely knew more about +Crump than about the Grand Llama. A few favoured youths +are asked occasionally to tea at the lodge; but they do +not speak unless first addressed by the Doctor; and if +they venture to sit down, Crump's follower, Mr. Toady, +whispers, 'Gentlemen, will you have the kindness to get +up?--The President is passing;' or 'Gentlemen, the +President prefers that undergraduates should not sit +down;' or words to a similar effect. + +To do Crump justice, he does not cringe now to great +people. He rather patronizes them than otherwise; and, +in London, speaks quite affably to a Duke who has been +brought up at his college, or holds out a finger to a +Marquis. He does not disguise his own origin, but brags +of it with considerable self-gratulation:--'I was a +Charity-boy,' says he; 'see what I am now; the greatest +Greek scholar of the greatest College of the greatest +University of the greatest Empire in the world.' The +argument being, that this is a capital world, for +beggars, because he, being a beggar, has managed to get +on horseback. + +Hugby owes his eminence to patient merit and agreeable +perseverance. He is a meek, mild, inoffensive creature, +with just enough of scholarship to fit him to hold a +lecture, or set an examination paper. He rose by +kindness to the aristocracy. It was wonderful to see the +way in which that poor creature grovelled before a +nobleman or a lord's nephew, or even some noisy and +disreputable commoner, the friend of a lord. He used to +give the young noblemen the most painful and elaborate +breakfasts, and adopt a jaunty genteel air, and talk with +them (although he was decidedly serious) about the opera, +or the last run with the hounds. It was good to watch +him in the midst of a circle of young tufts, with his +mean, smiling, eager, uneasy familiarity. He used to +write home confidential letters to their parents, and +made it his duty to call upon them when in town, to +condole or rejoice with them when a death, birth, or +marriage took place in their family; and to feast them +whenever they came to the University. I recollect a +letter lying on a desk in his lecture-room for a whole +term, beginning, 'My Lord Duke.' It was to show us that +he corresponded with such dignities. + +When the late lamented Lord Glenlivat, who broke his neck +at a hurdle-race, at the premature age of twenty-four, +was at the University, the amiable young fellow, passing +to his rooms in the early morning, and seeing Hugby's +boots at his door, on the same staircase, playfully +wadded the insides of the boots with cobbler's wax, which +caused excruciating pains to the Rev. Mr. Hugby, when he +came to take them off the same evening, before dining +with the Master of St. Crispin's. + +Everybody gave the credit of this admirable piece of fun +to Lord Glenlivat's friend, Bob Tizzy, who was famous for +such feats, and who had already made away with the +college pump-handle; filed St. Boniface's nose smooth +with his face; carried off four images of nigger-boys +from the tobacconists; painted the senior proctor's horse +pea-green, &c. &c.; and Bob (who was of the party +certainly, and would not peach,) was just on the point of +incurring expulsion, and so losing the family living +which was in store for him, when Glenlivat nobly stepped +forward, owned himself to be the author of the delightful +JEU-D'ESPRIT, apologized to the tutor, and accepted the +rustication. + +Hugby cried when Glenlivat apologized; if the young +nobleman had kicked him round the court, I believe the +tutor would have been happy, so that an apology and a +reconciliation might subsequently ensue. 'My lord,' said +he, 'in your conduct on this and all other occasions, you +have acted as becomes a gentleman; you have been an +honour to the University, as you will be to the peerage, +I am sure, when the amiable vivacity of youth is calmed +down, and you are called upon to take your proper share +in the government of the nation.' And when his lordship +took leave of the University, Hugby presented him with a +copy of his 'Sermons to a Nobleman's Family' (Hugby was +once private tutor to the Sons of the Earl of +Muffborough), which Glenlivat presented in return to Mr. +William Ramm, known to the fancy as the Tutbury Pet, and +the sermons now figure on the boudoir-table of Mrs. Ramm, +behind the bar of her house of entertainment, 'The Game +Cock and Spurs,' near Woodstock, Oxon. + +At the beginning of the long vacation, Hugby comes to +town, and puts up in handsome lodgings near St. James's +Square; rides in the Park in the afternoon; and is +delighted to read his name in the morning papers among +the list of persons present at Muffborough House, and the +Marquis of Farintosh's evening-parties. He is a member +of Sydney Scraper's Club, where, however, he drinks his +pint of claret. + +Sometimes you may see him on Sundays, at the hour when +tavern doors open, whence issue little girls with great +jugs of porter; when charity-boys walk the streets, +bearing brown dishes of smoking shoulders of mutton and +baked 'taturs; when Sheeny and Moses are seen smoking +their pipes before their lazy shutters in Seven Dials; +when a crowd of smiling persons in clean outlandish +dresses, in monstrous bonnets and flaring printed gowns, +or in crumpled glossy coats and silks that bear the +creases of the drawers where they have lain all the week, +file down High Street,--sometimes, I say, you may see +Hugby coming out of the Church of St. Giles-in-the- +Fields, with a stout gentlewoman leaning on his arm, +whose old face bears an expression of supreme pride and +happiness as she glances round at all the neighbours, and +who faces the curate himself and marches into Holborn, +where she pulls the bell of a house over which is +inscribed, 'Hugby, Haberdasher.' It is the mother of the +Rev. F. Hugby, as proud of her son in his white choker as +Cornelia of her jewels at Rome. That is old Hugby +bringing up the rear with the Prayer-books, and Betsy +Hugby the old maid, his daughter,--old Hugby, Haberdasher +and Church-warden. + +In the front room upstairs, where the dinner is laid out, +there is a picture of Muffborough Castle; of the Earl of +Muffborough, K.X., Lord-Lieutenant for Diddlesex; an +engraving, from an almanac, of Saint Boniface College, +Oxon; and a sticking-plaster portrait of Hugby when +young, in a cap and gown. A copy of his 'Sermons to a +Nobleman's Family' is on the bookshelf, by the 'Whole +Duty of Man,' the Reports of the Missionary Societies, +and the 'Oxford University Calendar.' Old Hugby knows +part of this by heart; every living belonging to Saint +Boniface, and the name of every tutor, fellow, nobleman, +and undergraduate. + +He used to go to meeting and preach himself, until his +son took orders; but of late the old gentleman has been +accused of Puseyism, and is quite pitiless against the +Dissenters. + + + +CHAPTER XV + +ON UNIVERSITY SNOBS + +I should like to fill several volumes with accounts of +various University Snobs; so fond are my reminiscences of +them, and so numerous are they. I should like to speak, +above all, of the wives and daughters of some of the +Professor-Snobs; their amusements, habits, jealousies; +their innocent artifices to entrap young men; their +picnics, concerts, and evening-parties. I wonder what +has become of Emily Blades, daughter of Blades, the +Professor of the Mandingo language? I remember her +shoulders to this day, as she sat in the midst of a crowd +of about seventy young gentlemen, from Corpus and +Catherine Hall, entertaining them with ogles and French +songs on the guitar. Are you married, fair Emily of the +shoulders? What beautiful ringlets those were that used +to dribble over them!--what a waist!--what a killing sea- +green shot-silk gown!--what a cameo, the size of a +muffin! There were thirty-six young men of the +University in love at one time with Emily Blades: and no +words are sufficient to describe the pity, the sorrow, +the deep, deep commiseration--the rage, fury, and +uncharitableness, in other words--with which the Miss +Trumps (daughter of Trumps, the Professor of Phlebotomy) +regarded her, because she DIDN'T squint, and because she +WASN'T marked with the small-pox. + +As for the young University Snobs, I am getting too old, +now, to speak of such very familiarly. My recollections +of them lie in the far, far past--almost as far back as +Pelham's time. + +We THEN used to consider Snobs raw-looking lads, who +never missed chapel; who wore highlows and no straps; who +walked two hours on the Trumpington road every day of +their lives; who carried off the college scholarships, +and who overrated themselves in hall. We were premature +in pronouncing our verdict of youthful Snobbishness The +man without straps fulfilled his destiny and duty. He +eased his old governor, the curate in Westmoreland, or +helped his sisters to set up the Ladies' School. He +wrote a 'Dictionary,' or a 'Treatise on Conic Sections,' +as his nature and genius prompted. He got a fellowship: +and then took to himself a wife, and a living. He +presides over a parish now, and thinks it rather a +dashing thing to belong to the 'Oxford and Cambridge +Club;' and his parishioners love him, and snore under his +sermons. No, no, HE is not a Snob. It is not straps +that make the gentleman, or highlows that unmake him, be +they ever so thick. My son, it is you who are the Snob +if you lightly despise a man for doing his duty, and +refuse to shake an honest man's hand because it wears a +Berlin glove. + +We then used to consider it not the least vulgar for a +parcel of lads who had been whipped three months +previous, and were not allowed more than three glasses of +port at home, to sit down to pineapples and ices at each +other's rooms, and fuddle themselves with champagne and +claret. + +One looks back to what was called a 'wine-party' with a +sort of wonder. Thirty lads round a table covered with +bad sweetmeats, drinking bad wines, telling bad stories, +singing bad songs over and over again. Milk punch-- +smoking--ghastly headache-- frightful spectacle of +dessert-table next morning, and smell of tobacco--your +guardian, the clergyman, dropping in, in the midst of +this--expecting to find you deep in Algebra, and +discovering the Gyp administering soda-water. + +There were young men who despised the lads who indulged +in the coarse hospitalities of wine-parties, who prided +themselves in giving RECHERCHE little French dinners. +Both wine-party-givers and dinner-givers were Snobs. + +There were what used to be called 'dressy' Snobs:- Jimmy, +who might be seen at five o'clock elaborately rigged out, +with a camellia in his button-hole, glazed boots, and +fresh kid-gloves twice a day;--Jessamy, who was +conspicuous for his 'jewellery,'--a young donkey, +glittering all over with chains, rings, and shirt-studs;- +-Jacky, who rode every day solemnly on the Blenheim Road, +in pumps and white silk stockings, with his hair curled,- +-all three of whom flattered themselves they gave laws to +the University about dress--all three most odious +varieties of Snobs. + +Sporting Snobs of course there were, and are always-- +those happy beings in whom Nature has implanted a love of +slang: who loitered about the horsekeeper's stables, and +drove the London coaches--a stage in and out--and might +be seen swaggering through the courts in pink of early +mornings, and indulged in dice and blind-hookey at +nights, and never missed a race or a boxing-match; and +rode flat-races, and kept bull-terriers. Worse Snobs +even than these were poor miserable wretches who did not +like hunting at all, and could not afford it, and were in +mortal fear at a two-foot ditch; but who hunted because +Glenlivat and Cinqbars hunted. The Billiard Snob and the +Boating Snob were varieties of these, and are to be found +elsewhere than in universities. + +Then there were Philosophical Snobs, who used to ape +statesmen at the spouting-clubs, and who believed as a +fact that Government always had an eye on the University +for the selection of orators for the House of Commons. +There were audacious young free-thinkers, who adored +nobody or nothing, except perhaps Robespierre and the +Koran, and panted for the day when the pale name of +priest should shrink and dwindle away before the +indignation of an enlightened world. + +But the worst of all University Snobs are those +unfortunates who go to rack and ruin from their desire to +ape their betters. Smith becomes acquainted with great +people at college, and is ashamed of his father the +tradesman. Jones has fine acquaintances, and lives after +their fashion like a gay free-hearted fellow as he is, +and ruins his father, and robs his sister's portion, and +cripples his younger brother's outset in life, for the +pleasure of entertaining my lord, and riding by the side +of Sir John. And though it may be very good fun for +Robinson to fuddle himself at home as he does at College, +and to be brought home by the policeman he has just been +trying to knock down-- think what fun it is for the poor +old soul his mother!--the half-pay captain's widow, who +has been pinching herself all her life long, in order +that that jolly young fellow might have a University +education. + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +ON LITERARY SNOBS + +What will he say about Literary Snobs? has been a +question, I make no doubt, often asked by the public. +How can he let off his own profession? Will that +truculent and unsparing monster who attacks the nobility, +the clergy, the army, and the ladies, indiscriminately, +hesitate when the turn comes to EGORGER his own flesh +and blood? + +My dear and excellent querist, whom does the schoolmaster +flog so resolutely as his own son? Didn't Brutus chop +his offspring's head off? You have a very bad opinion +indeed of the present state of literature and of literary +men, if you fancy that any one of us would hesitate to +stick a knife into his neighbour penman, if the latter's +death could do the State any service. + +But the fact is, that in the literary profession THERE +ARE NO SNOBS. Look round at the whole body of British +men of letters; and I defy you to point out among them a +single instance of vulgarity, or envy, or assumption. + +Men and women, as far as I have known them, they are all +modest in their demeanour, elegant in their manners, +spotless in their lives, and honourable in their conduct +to the world and to each other. You MAY, occasionally, +it is true, hear one literary man abusing his brother; +but why? Not in the least out of malice; not at all from +envy; merely from a sense of truth and public duty. +Suppose, for instance, I, good-naturedly point out a +blemish in my friend MR. PUNCH'S person, and say, MR. P. +has a hump-back, and his nose and chin are more crooked +than those features in the Apollo or Antinous, which we +are accustomed to consider as our standards of beauty; +does this argue malice on my part towards MR. PUNCH? Not +in the least. It is the critic's duty to point out +defects as well as merits, and he invariably does his +duty with utmost gentleness and candour. + +An intelligent foreigner's testimony about our manners is +always worth having, and I think, in this respect the +work of an eminent American, Mr. N. P. Willis is +eminently valuable and impartial. In his 'History of +Ernest Clay,' a crack magazine-writer, the reader will +get an exact account of the life of a popular man of +letters in England. He is always the lion of society. + +He takes the PAS of dukes and earls; all the nobility +crowd to see him: I forget how many baronesses and +duchesses fall in love with him. But on this subject let +us hold our tongues. Modesty forbids that we should +reveal the names of the heart-broken countesses and dear +marchionesses who are pining for every one of the +contributors in PUNCH. + +If anybody wants to know how intimately authors are +connected with the fashionable world, they have but to +read the genteel novels. What refinement and delicacy +pervades the works of Mrs. Barnaby! What delightful +good company do you meet with in Mrs. Armytage! She +seldom introduces you to anybody under a marquis! I +don't know anything more delicious than the pictures of +genteel life in 'Ten Thousand a Year,' except perhaps the +'Young Duke,' and 'Coningsby.' There's a modest grace +about THEM, and an air of easy high fashion, which only +belongs to blood, my dear Sir--to true blood. + +And what linguists many of our writers are! Lady Bulwer, +Lady Londonderry, Sir Edward himself--they write the +French language with a luxurious elegance and ease which +sets them far above their continental rivals, of whom not +one (except Paul de Kock) knows a word of English. + +And what Briton can read without enjoyment the works of +James, so admirable for terseness; and the playful humour +and dazzling offhand lightness of Ainsworth? Among other +humourists, one might glance at a Jerrold, the chivalrous +advocate of Toryism and Church and State; an a Beckett, +with a lightsome pen, but a savage earnestness of +purpose; a Jeames, whose pure style, and wit unmingled +with buffoonery, was relished by a congenial public. + +Speaking of critics, perhaps there never was a review +that has done so much for literature as the admirable +QUARTERLY. It has its prejudices, to be sure, as which +of us has not? It goes out of its way to abuse a great +man, or lays mercilessly on to such pretenders as Keats +and Tennyson; but, on the other hand, it is the friend of +all young authors, and has marked and nurtured all the +rising talent of the country. It is loved by everybody. +There, again, is BLACKWOOD'S MAGAZINE--conspicuous for +modest elegance and amiable satire; that review never +passes the bounds of politeness in a joke. It is the +arbiter of manners; and, while gently exposing the +foibles of Londoners (for whom the BEAUX ESPRITS of +Edinburgh entertain a justifiable contempt), it is never +coarse in its fun. The fiery enthusiasm of the ATHENAEUM +is well known: and the bitter wit of the too difficult +LITERARY GAZETTE. The EXAMINER is perhaps too timid, and +the SPECTATOR too boisterous in its praise--but who can +carp at these minor faults? No, no; the critics of +England and the authors of England are unrivalled as a +body; and hence it becomes impossible for us to find +fault with them. + +Above all, I never knew a man of letters ASHAMED OF HIS +PROFESSION. Those who know us, know what an affectionate +and brotherly spirit there is among us all. Sometimes +one of us rises in the world: we never attack him or +sneer at him under those circumstances, but rejoice to a +man at his success. If Jones dines with a lord, Smith +never says Jones is a courtier and cringer. Nor, on the +other hand, does Jones, who is in the habit of +frequenting the society of great people, give himself any +airs on account of the company he keeps; but will leave a +duke's arm in Pall Mall to come over and speak to poor +Brown, the young penny-a-liner. + +That sense of equality and fraternity amongst authors has +always struck me as one of the most amiable +characteristics of the class. It is because we know and +respect each other, that the world respects us so much; +that we hold such a good position in society, and demean +ourselves so irreproachably when there. + +Literary persons are held in such esteem by the nation +that about two of them have been absolutely invited to +court during the present reign; and it is probable that +towards the end of the season, one or two will be asked +to dinner by Sir Robert Peel. + +They are such favourites with the public, that they are +continually obliged to have their pictures taken and +published; and one or two could be pointed out, of whom +the nation insists upon having a fresh portrait every +year. Nothing can be more gratifying than this proof of +the affectionate regard which the people has for its +instructors. + +Literature is held in such honour in England, that there +is a sum of near twelve hundred pounds per annum set +apart to pension deserving persons following that +profession. And a great compliment this is, too, to the +professors, and a proof of their generally prosperous and +flourishing condition. They are generally so rich and +thrifty, that scarcely any money is wanted to help them. + +If every word of this is true, how, I should like to know +am I to write about Literary Snobs? + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +A LITTLE ABOUT IRISH SNOBS + +You do not, to be sure, imagine that there are no other +Snobs in Ireland than those of the amiable party who wish +to make pikes of iron railroads (it's a fine Irish +economy), and to cut the throats of the Saxon invaders. +These are of the venomous sort; and had they been +invented in his time, St. Patrick would have banished +them out of the kingdom along with the other dangerous +reptiles. + +I think it is the Four Masters, or else it's Olaus +Magnus, or else it's certainly O'Neill Daunt, in the +'Catechism of Irish History,' who relates that when +Richard the Second came to Ireland, and the Irish chiefs +did homage to him, going down on their knees --the poor +simple creatures!--and worshipping and wondering before +the English king and the dandies of his court, my lords +the English noblemen mocked and jeered at their uncouth +Irish admirers, mimicked their talk and gestures, pulled +their poor old beards, and laughed at the strange fashion +of their garments. + +The English Snob rampant always does this to the present +day. There is no Snob in existence, perhaps, that has +such an indomitable belief in himself: that sneers you +down all the rest of the world besides, and has such an +insufferable, admirable, stupid contempt for all people +but his own--nay, for all sets but his own. 'Gwacious +Gad' what stories about 'the Iwish' these young dandies +accompanying King Richard must have had to tell, when +they returned to Pall Mall, and smoked their cigars upon +the steps of 'White's.' + +The Irish snobbishness developes itself not in pride so +much as in servility and mean admirations, and trumpery +imitations of their neighbours. And I wonder De +Tocqueville and De Beaumont, and THE TIMES' Commissioner, +did not explain the Snobbishness of Ireland as contrasted +with our own. Ours is that of Richard's Norman Knights,- +-haughty, brutal stupid, and perfectly self-confident;-- +theirs, of the poor, wondering, kneeling, simple +chieftains. They are on their knees still before English +fashion--these simple, wild people; and indeed it is hard +not to grin at some of their NAIVE exhibitions. + +Some years since, when a certain great orator was Lord +Mayor of Dublin, he used to wear a red gown and a cocked +hat, the splendour of which delighted him as much as a +new curtain-ring in her nose or a string of glass-beads +round her neck charms Queen Quasheeneboo. He used to pay +visits to people in this dress; to appear at meetings +hundreds of miles off, in the red velvet gown. And to +hear the people crying 'Yes, me Lard!' and 'No, me Lard!' +and to read the prodigious accounts of his Lordship in +the papers: it seemed as if the people and he liked to be +taken in by this twopenny splendour. Twopenny +magnificence, indeed, exists all over Ireland, and may be +considered as the great characteristic of the +Snobbishness of that country. + +When Mrs. Mulholligan, the grocer's lady, retires to +Kingstown, she has Mulholliganville' painted over the +gate of her villa; and receives you at a door that won't +shut or gazes at you out of a window that is glazed with +an old petticoat. + +Be it ever so shabby and dismal, nobody ever owns to +keeping a shop. A fellow whose stock in trade is a penny +roll or a tumbler of lollipops, calls his cabin the +'American Flour Stores,' or the 'Depository for Colonial +Produce,' or some such name. + +As for Inns, there are none in the country; Hotels abound +as well furnished as Mulholliganville; but again there +are no such people as landlords and land-ladies; the +landlord is out with the hounds, and my lady in the +parlour talking with the Captain or playing the piano. + +If a gentleman has a hundred a year to leave to his +family they all become gentlemen, all keep a nag, ride to +hounds, and swagger about in the 'Phaynix,' and grow +tufts to their chins like so many real aristocrats. + +A friend of mine has taken to be a painter, and lives out +of Ireland, where he is considered to have disgraced the +family by choosing such a profession. His father is a +wine-merchant; and his elder brother an apothecary. + +The number of men one meets in London and on the +Continent who have a pretty little property of five-and- +twenty hundred a year in Ireland is prodigious: those who +WILL have nine thousand a year in land when somebody dies +are still more numerous. I myself have met as many +descendants from Irish kings as would form a brigade. + +And who has not met the Irishman who apes the Englishman, +and who forgets his country and tries to forget his +accent, or to smother the taste of it, as it were? +'Come, dine with me, my boy,' says O'Dowd, of +O'Dowdstown: 'you'll FIND US ALL ENGLISH THERE;' which he +tells you with a brogue as broad as from here to +Kingstown Pier. And did you never hear Mrs. Captain +Macmanus talk about 'I-ah-land,' and her account of her +'fawther's esteet?' Very few men have rubbed through the +world without hearing and witnessing some of these +Hibernian phenomena--these twopenny splendours. + +And what say you to the summit of society--the Castle-- +with a sham king, and sham lords-in-waiting, and sham +loyalty, and a sham Haroun Alraschid, to go about in a +sham disguise, making believe to be affable and splendid? +That Castle is the pink and pride of Snobbishness. A +COURT CIRCULAR is bad enough, with two columns of print +about a little baby that's christened--but think of +people liking a sham COURT CIRCULAR! + +I think the shams of Ireland are more outrageous than +those of any country. A fellow shows you a hill and +says, 'That's the highest mountain in all Ireland;' +a gentleman tells you he is descended from Brian Boroo +and has his five-and-thirty hundred a year; or Mrs. +Macmanus describes her fawther's esteet; or ould Dan +rises and says the Irish women are the loveliest, the +Irish men the bravest, the Irish land the most fertile in +the world: and nobody believes anybody--the latter does +not believe his story nor the hearer:--but they make- +believe to believe, and solemnly do honour to humbug. + +O Ireland! O my country! (for I make little doubt I am +descended from Brian Boroo too) when will you acknowledge +that two and two make four, and call a pikestaff a +pikestaff?--that is the very best use you can make of the +latter. Irish snobs will dwindle away then and we shall +never hear tell of Hereditary bondsmen. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +PARTY-GIVING SNOBS + +Our selection of Snobs has lately been too exclusively of +a political character. 'Give us private Snobs,' cry the +dear ladies. (I have before me the letter of one fair +correspondent of the fishing village of Brighthelmstone +in Sussex, and could her commands ever be disobeyed?) +'Tell us more, dear Mr. Snob, about your experience of +Snobs in society.' Heaven bless the dear souls!--they +are accustomed to the word now--the odious, vulgar, +horrid, unpronounceable word slips out of their lips with +the prettiest glibness possible. I should not wonder if +it were used at Court amongst the Maids of Honour. In +the very best society I know it is. And why not? +Snobbishness is vulgar--the mere words are not: that +which we call a Snob, by any other name would still be +Snobbish. + +Well, then. As the season is drawing to a close: as many +hundreds of kind souls, snobbish or otherwise, have +quitted London; as many hospitable carpets are taken up; +and window-blinds are pitilessly papered with the MORNING +HERALD; and mansions once inhabited by cheerful owners +are now consigned to the care of the housekeeper's dreary +LOCUM TENENS--some mouldy old woman, who, in reply to the +hopeless clanging of the bell, peers at you for a moment +from the area, and then slowly unbolting the great hall- +door, informs you my lady has left town, or that 'the +family's in the country,' or 'gone up the Rind,'--or what +not; as the season and parties are over; why not consider +Party-giving Snobs for a while, and review the conduct of +some of those individuals who have quitted the town for +six months? + +Some of those worthy Snobs are making-believe to go +yachting, and, dressed in telescopes and pea-jackets, are +passing their time between Cherbourg and Cowes; some +living higgledy-piggledy in dismal little huts in +Scotland, provisioned with canisters of portable soup, +and fricandeaux hermetically sealed in tin, are passing +their days slaughtering grouse upon the moors; some are +dozing and bathing away the effects of the season at +Kissingen, or watching the ingenious game of TRENTE ET +QUARANTE at Homburg and Ems. We can afford to be very +bitter upon them now they are all gone. Now there are no +more parties, let us have at the Party-giving Snobs. The +dinner-giving, the ball-giving, the DEJEUNER-giving, the +CONVERSAZIONE-GIVING Snobs--Lord! Lord! what havoc might +have been made amongst them had we attacked them during +the plethora of the season! I should have been obliged +to have a guard to defend me from fiddlers and +pastrycooks, indignant at the abuse of their patrons. +Already I'm told that, from some flippant and unguarded +expressions considered derogatory to Baker Street and +Harley Street, rents have fallen in these respectable +quarters; and orders have been issued that at least Mr. +Snob shall be asked to parties there no more. Well, +then--now they are ALL away, let us frisk at our ease, +and have at everything like the bull in the china-shop. +They mayn't hear of what is going on in their absence, +and, if they do they can't bear malice for six months. +We will begin to make it up with them about next +February, and let next year take care of itself. We +shall have no dinners from the dinner-giving Snobs: no +more from the ball-givers: no more CONVERSAZIONES (thank +Mussy! as Jeames says,) from the Conversaziones Snob: and +what is to prevent us from telling the truth? + +The snobbishness of Conversazione Snobs is very soon +disposed of: as soon as that cup of washy bohea is handed +to you in the tea-room; or the muddy remnant of ice that +you grasp in the suffocating scuffle of the assembly +upstairs. + +Good heavens! What do people mean by going there? What +is done there, that everybody throngs into those three +little rooms? Was the Black Hole considered to be an +agreeable REUNION, that Britons in the dog-days here seek +to imitate it? After being rammed to a jelly in a door- +way (where you feel your feet going through Lady Barbara +Macbeth's lace flounces, and get a look from that haggard +and painted old harpy, compared to which the gaze of +Ugolino is quite cheerful); after withdrawing your elbow +out of poor gasping Bob Guttleton's white waistcoat, from +which cushion it was impossible to remove it, though you +knew you were squeezing poor Bob into an apoplexy--you +find yourself at last in the reception-room, and try to +catch the eye of Mrs. Botibol, the CONVERSAZIONE-giver. +When you catch her eye, you are expected to grin, and she +smiles too, for the four hundredth time that night; and, +if she's very glad to see you, waggles her little hand +before her face as if to blow you a kiss, as the phrase +is. + +Why the deuce should Mrs. Botibol blow me a kiss? I +wouldn't kiss her for the world. Why do I grin when I +see her, as if I was delighted? Am I? I don't care a +straw for Mrs. Botibol. I know what she thinks about me. +I know what she said about my last volume of poems (I had +it from a dear mutual friend). Why, I say in a word, are +we going on ogling and telegraphing each other in this +insane way?-- +Because we are both performing the ceremonies demanded by +the Great Snob Society; whose dictates we all of us obey. + +Well; the recognition is over--my jaws have returned to +their usual English expression of subdued agony and +intense gloom, and the Botibol is grinning and kissing +her fingers to somebody else, who is squeezing through +the aperture by which we have just entered. It is Lady +Ann Clutterbuck, who has her Friday evenings, as Botibol +(Botty, we call her,) has Wednesdays. That is Miss +Clementina Clutterbuck the cadaverous young woman in +green, with florid auburn hair, who has published her +volume of poems ('The Death-Shriek;' 'Damiens;' 'The +Faggot of Joan of Arc;' and 'Translations from the +German' of course). The conversazione-women salute each +other calling each other 'My dear Lady Ann' and 'My dear +good Eliza,' and hating each other, as women hate who +give parties on Wednesdays and Fridays. With +inexpressible pain dear good Eliza sees Ann go up and +coax and wheedle Abou Gosh, who has just arrived from +Syria, and beg him to patronize her Fridays. + +All this while, amidst the crowd and the scuffle, and a +perpetual buzz and chatter, and the flare of the wax- +candles, and an intolerable smell of musk--what the poor +Snobs who write fashionable romances call 'the gleam of +gems, the odour of perfumes, the blaze of countless +lamps'--a scrubby-looking, yellow-faced foreigner, with +cleaned gloves, is warbling inaudibly in a corner, to the +accompaniment of another. 'The Great Cacafogo,' Mrs. +Botibol whispers, as she passes you by. 'A great +creature, Thumpenstrumpff, is at the instrument--the +Hetman Platoff's pianist, you know.' + +To hear this Cacafogo and Thumpenstrumpff, a hundred +people are gathered together--a bevy of dowagers, stout +or scraggy; a faint sprinkling of misses; six moody- +looking lords, perfectly meek and solemn; wonderful +foreign Counts, with bushy whiskers and yellow faces, and +a great deal of dubious jewellery; young dandies with +slim waists and open necks, and self-satisfied simpers, +and flowers in their buttons; the old, stiff, stout, +bald-headed CONVERSAZIONE ROUES, whom +You meet everywhere--who never miss a night of this +delicious enjoyment; the three last-caught lions of the +season--Higgs, the traveller, Biggs, the novelist, and +Toffey, who has come out so on the sugar question; +Captain Flash, who is invited on account of his pretty +wife and Lord Ogleby, who goes wherever she goes. + +QUE SCAIS-JE? Who are the owners of all those showy +scarfs and white neckcloths?--Ask little Tom Prig, who is +there in all his glory, knows everybody, has a story +about every one; and, as he trips home to his lodgings in +Jermyn Street, with his gibus-hat and his little glazed +pumps, thinks he is the fashionablest young fellow in +town, and that he really has passed a night of exquisite +enjoyment. + +You go up (with our usual easy elegance of manner) and +talk to Miss Smith in a corner. 'Oh, Mr. Snob, I'm +afraid you're sadly satirical.' + +That's all she says. If you say it's fine weather, she +bursts out laughing; or hint that it's very hot, she vows +you are the drollest wretch! Meanwhile Mrs. Botibol is +simpering on fresh arrivals; the individual at the door +is roaring out their names; poor Cacafogo is quavering +away in the music-room, under the impression that he will +be LANCE in the world by singing inaudibly here. And +what a blessing it is to squeeze out of the door, and +into the street, where a half-hundred of carriages are in +waiting; and where the link-boy, with that unnecessary +lantern of his, pounces upon all who issue out, and will +insist upon getting your noble honour's lordship's cab. + +And to think that there are people who, after having +been to Botibol on Wednesday, will go to Clutterbuck +on Friday! + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +DINING-OUT SNOBS + +In England Dinner-giving Snobs occupy a very important +place in society, and the task of describing them is +tremendous. There was a time in my life when the +consciousness of having eaten a man's salt rendered me +dumb regarding his demerits, and I thought it a wicked +act and a breach of hospitality to speak ill of him. + +But why should a saddle-of-mutton blind you, or a turbot +and lobster-sauce shut your mouth for ever? With +advancing age, men see their duties more clearly. I am +not to be hoodwinked any longer by a slice of venison, be +it ever so fat; and as for being dumb on account of +turbot and lobster-sauce----of course I am; good manners +ordain that I should be so, until I have swallowed the +compound--but not afterwards; directly the victuals are +discussed, and John takes away the plate, my tongue +begins to wag. Does not yours, if you have a pleasant +neighbour?--a lovely creature, say, of some five-and- +thirty, whose daughters have not yet quite come out--they +are the best talkers. As for your young misses, they are +only put about the table to look at--like the flowers in +the centre-piece. Their blushing youth and natural +modesty preclude them from easy, confidential, +conversational ABANDON which forms the delight of the +intercourse with their dear mothers. It is to these, if +he would prosper in his profession, that the Dining-out +Snob should address himself. Suppose you sit next to one +of these, how pleasant it is, in the intervals of the +banquet, actually to abuse the victuals and the giver of +the entertainment! It's twice as PIQUANT to make fun of +a man under his very nose. + +'What IS a Dinner-giving Snob?' some innocent youth, who +is not REPANDU in the world, may ask--or some simple +reader who has not the benefits of London experience. + +My dear sir, I will show you--not all, for that is +impossible--but several kinds of Dinner-giving Snobs. +For instance, suppose you, in the middle rank of life, +accustomed to Mutton, roast on Tuesday, cold on +Wednesday, hashed on Thursday, &c., with small means and +a small establishment, choose to waste the former and set +the latter topsy-turvy by giving entertainments +unnaturally costly--you come into the Dinner-giving Snob +class at once. Suppose you get in cheap-made dishes from +the pastrycook's, and hire a couple of greengrocers, or +carpet-beaters, to figure as footmen, dismissing honest +Molly, who waits on common days, and bedizening your +table (ordinarily ornamented with willow-pattern +crockery) with twopenny-halfpenny Birmingham plate. +Suppose you pretend to be richer and grander than you +ought to be--you are a Dinner-giving Snob. And oh, I +tremble to think how many and many a one will read this! + +A man who entertains in this way--and, alas, how few do +not!--is like a fellow who would borrow his neighbour's +coat to make a show in, or a lady who flaunts in the +diamonds from next door--a humbug, in a word, and amongst +the Snobs he must be set down. + +A man who goes out of his natural sphere of society to +ask Lords, Generals, Aldermen, and other persons of +fashion, but is niggardly of his hospitality towards his +own equals, is a Dinner-giving Snob. My dear friend, +Jack Tufthunt, for example, knows ONE Lord whom he met at +a watering-place: old Lord Mumble, who is as toothless as +a three-months-old baby, and as mum as an undertaker, and +as dull as--well, we will not particularise. Tufthunt +never has a dinner now but you see this solemn old +toothless patrician at the right-hand of Mrs. Tufthunt-- +Tufthunt is a Dinner-giving Snob. + +Old Livermore, old Soy, old Chutney, the East Indian +Director, old Cutler, the Surgeon, &c.,--that society of +old fogies, in fine, who give each other dinners round +and round, and dine for the mere purpose of guttling-- +these, again, are Dinner-giving Snobs. + +Again, my friend Lady MacScrew, who has three grenadier +flunkeys in lace round the table, and serves up a scrag- +of-mutton on silver, and dribbles you out bad sherry and +port by thimblefuls, is a Dinner-giving Snob of the other +sort; and I confess, for my part, I would rather dine +with old Livermore or old Soy than with her Ladyship. + +Stinginess is snobbish. Ostentation is snobbish. Too +great profusion is snobbish. Tuft-hunting is snobbish. +But I own there are people more snobbish than all those +whose defects are above mentioned: viz., those +individuals who can, and don't give dinners at all. The +man without hospitality shall never sit SUB IISDEM +TRABIBUS with ME. Let the sordid wretch go mumble his +bone alone! + +What, again, is true hospitality? Alas, my dear friends +and brother Snobs! how little do we meet of it after all! +Are the motives PURE which induce your friends to ask you +to dinner? This has often come across me. Does your +entertainer want something from you? For instance, I am +not of a suspicious turn; but it IS a fact that when +Hookey is bringing out a new work, he asks the critics +all round to dinner; that when Walker has got his picture +ready for the Exhibition, he somehow grows exceedingly +hospitable, and has his friends of the press to a quiet +cutlet and a glass of Sillery. Old Hunks, the miser, who +died lately (leaving his money to his housekeeper) lived +many years on the fat of the land, by simply taking down, +at all his friends', the names and Christian names OF ALL +THE CHILDREN. But though you may have your own opinion +about the hospitality of your acquaintances; and though +men who ask you from sordid motives are most decidedly +Dinner-giving Snobs, it is best not to inquire into their +motives too keenly. Be not too curious about the mouth +of a gift-horse. After all, a man does not intend to +insult you by asking you to dinner. + +Though, for that matter, I know some characters about +town who actually consider themselves injured and +insulted if the dinner or the company is not to their +liking. There is Guttleton, who dines at home off a +shilling's-worth of beef from the cookshop, but if he is +asked to dine at a house where there are not pease at the +end of May, or cucumbers in March along with the turbot, +thinks himself insulted by being invited. 'Good Ged!' +says he, 'what the deuce do the Forkers mean by asking ME +to a family dinner? I can get mutton at home;' or 'What +infernal impertinence it is of the Spooners to get +ENTREES from the pastrycook's, and fancy that I am to be +deceived with their stories about their French cook!' +Then, again, there is Jack Puddington--I saw that honest +fellow t'other day quite in a rage, because, as chance +would have it, Sir John Carver asked him to meet the very +same party he had met at Colonel Cramley's the day +before, and he had not got up a new set of stories to +entertain them. Poor Dinner-giving Snobs! you don't know +what small thanks you get for all your pains and money! +How we Dining-out Snobs sneer at your cookery, and pooh- +pooh your old hock, and are incredulous about your four- +and-six-penny champagne, and know that the side-dishes of +to-day are RECHAUFFES from the dinner of yesterday, and +mark how certain dishes are whisked off the table +untasted, so that they may figure at the banquet +tomorrow. Whenever, for my part, I see the head man +particularly anxious to ESCAMOTER a fricandeau or a +blanc-mange, I always call out, and insist upon +massacring it with a spoon. All this sort of conduct +makes one popular with the Dinner-giving Snob. One +friend of mine, I know, has made a prodigious sensation +in good society, by announcing apropos of certain dishes +when offered to him, that he never eats aspic except at +Lord Tittup's, and that Lady Jimmy's CHEF is the only man +in London who knows how to dress--FILET EN SERPENTEAU--or +SUPREME DE VOLAILLE AUX TRUFFES. + + + +CHAPTER XX + +DINNER-GIVING SNOBS FURTHER CONSIDERED + +If my friends would but follow the present prevailing +fashion, I think they ought to give me a testimonial for +the paper on Dinner-giving Snobs, which I am now writing. +What do you say now to a handsome comfortable dinner- +service of plate (NOT including plates, for I hold silver +plates to be sheer wantonness, and would almost as soon +think of silver teacups), a couple of neat teapots, a +coffeepot, trays, &c., with a little inscription to my +wife, Mrs. Snob; and a half-score of silver tankards for +the little Snoblings, to glitter on the homely table +where they partake of their quotidian mutton? + +If I had my way, and my plans could be carried out, +dinner-giving would increase as much on the one hand as +dinner-giving Snobbishness would diminish:--to my mind +the most amiable part of the work lately published by my +esteemed friend (if upon a very brief acquaintance he +will allow me to call him so), Alexis Soyer, the +regenerator--what he (in his noble style) would call the +most succulent, savoury, and elegant passages--are those +which relate, not to the grand banquets and ceremonial +dinners, but to his 'dinners at home.' + +The 'dinner at home' ought to be the centre of the whole +system of dinner-giving. Your usual style of meal--that +is, plenteous, comfortable, and in its perfection--should +be that to which you welcome your friends, as it is that +of which you partake yourself. + +For, towards what woman in the world do I entertain a +higher regard than towards the beloved partner of my +existence, Mrs. Snob? Who should have a greater place in +my affections than her six brothers (three or four of +whom we are pretty sure will favour us with their company +at seven o'clock), or her angelic mother, my own valued +mother-in-law?--for whom, finally, would I wish to cater +more generously than for your very humble servant, the +present writer? Now, nobody supposes that the Birmingham +plate is had out, the disguised carpet-beaters introduced +to the exclusion of the neat parlour-maid, the miserable +ENTREES from the pastrycook's ordered in, and the +children packed off (as it is supposed) to the nursery, +but really only to the staircase, down which they slide +during the dinner-time, waylaying the dishes as they come +out, and fingering the round bumps on the jellies, and +the forced-meat balls in the soup,--nobody, I say, +supposes that a dinner at home is characterized by the +horrible ceremony, the foolish makeshifts, the mean pomp +and ostentation which distinguish our banquets on grand +field-days. + +Such a notion is monstrous. I would as soon think of +having my dearest Bessy sitting opposite me in a turban +and bird of paradise, and showing her jolly mottled arms +out of blond sleeves in her famous red satin gown: ay, or +of having Mr. Toole every day, in a white waistcoat, at +my back, shouting, 'Silence FAW the chair!' + +Now, if this be the case; if the Brummagem-plate pomp and +the processions of disguised footmen are odious and +foolish in everyday life, why not always? Why should +Jones and I, who are in the middle rank, alter the modes +of our being to assume an ECLAT which does not belong to +us--to entertain our friends, who (if we are worth +anything and honest fellows at bottom,) are men of the +middle rank too, who are not in the least deceived by our +temporary splendour, and who play off exactly the same +absurd trick upon us when they ask us to dine? + +If it be pleasant to dine with your friends, as all +persons with good stomachs and kindly hearts will, I +presume, allow it to be, it is better to dine twice than +to dine once. It is impossible for men of small means to +be continually spending five-and-twenty or thirty +shillings on each friend who sits down to their table. +People dine for less. I myself have seen, at my +favourite Club (the Senior United Service), His Grace the +Duke of Wellington quite contented with the joint, one- +and-three, and half-pint of sherry, nine; and if his +Grace, why not you and I? + +This rule I have made, and found the benefit of. +Whenever I ask a couple of Dukes and a Marquis or so to +dine with me, I set them down to a piece of beef, or a +leg-of-mutton and trimmings. The grandees thank you for +this simplicity, and appreciate the same. My dear Jones, +ask any of those whom you have the honour of knowing, if +such be not the case. + +I am far from wishing that their Graces should treat me +in a similar fashion. Splendour is a part of their +station, as decent comfort (let us trust), of yours and +mine. Fate has comfortably appointed gold plate for +some, and has bidden others contentedly to wear the +willow-pattern. And being perfectly contented (indeed +humbly thankful--for look around, O Jones, and see the +myriads who are not so fortunate,) to wear honest linen, +while magnificos of the world are adorned with cambric +and point-lace, surely we ought to hold as miserable, +envious fools, those wretched Beaux Tibbs's of society, +who sport a lace dickey, and nothing besides,--the +poor silly jays, who trail a peacock's feather +behind them, and think to simulate the gorgeous bird +whose nature it is to strut on palace-terraces, and to +flaunt his magnificent fan-tail in the sunshine! + +The jays with peacocks' feathers are the Snobs of this +world: and never, since the days of Aesop, were they more +numerous in any land than they are at present in this +free country. + +How does this most ancient apologue apply to the subject +in hand?--the Dinner-giving Snob. The imitation of the +great is universal in this city, from the palaces of +Kensingtonia and Belgravia, even to the remotest corner +of Brunswick Square. + +Peacocks' feathers are stuck in the tails of most +families. Scarce one of us domestic 2birds but imitates +the lanky, pavonine strut, and shrill, genteel scream. +O you misguided dinner-giving Snobs, think how much +pleasure you lose, and how much mischief you do with your +absurd grandeurs and hypocrisies! You stuff each other +with unnatural forced-meats, and entertain each other to +the ruin of friendship (let alone health) and the +destruction of hospitality and good-fellowship--you, who +but for the peacock's tail might chatter away so much at +your ease, and be so jovial and happy! + +When a man goes into a great set company of dinner-giving +and dinner-receiving Snobs, if he has a philosophical +turn of mind, he will consider what a huge humbug the +whole affair is: the dishes, and the drink, and the +servants, and the plate, and the host and hostess, and +the conversation, and the company,--the philosopher +included. + +The host is smiling, and hob-nobbing, and talking up and +down the table; but a prey to secret terrors and +anxieties, lest the wines he has brought up from the +cellar should prove insufficient; lest a corked bottle +should destroy his calculations; or our friend the +carpet-beater, by making some BEVUE, should disclose his +real quality of greengrocer, and show that he is not the +family butler. + +The hostess is smiling resolutely through all the +courses, smiling through her agony; though her heart is +in the kitchen, and she is speculating with terror lest +there be any disaster there. If the SOUFFLE should +collapse, or if Wiggins does not send the ices in time-- +she feels as if she would commit suicide--that smiling, +jolly woman! + +The children upstairs are yelling, as their maid is +crimping their miserable ringlets with hot tongs, tearing +Miss Emmy's hair out by the roots, or scrubbing Miss +Polly's dumpy nose with mottled soap till the little +wretch screams herself into fits. The young males of the +family are employed, as we have stated, in piratical +exploits upon the landing-place. + +The servants are not servants, but the before-mentioned +retail tradesmen. + +The plate is not plate, but a mere shiny Birmingham +lacquer; and so is the hospitality, and everything else. + +The talk is Birmingham talk. The wag of the party, with +bitterness in his heart, having just quitted his +laundress, who is dunning him for her bill, is firing off +good stories; and the opposition wag is furious that he +cannot get an innings. Jawkins, the great +conversationalist, is scornful and indignant with the +pair of them, because he is kept out of court. Young +Muscadel, that cheap dandy, is talking Fashion and +Almack's out of the MORNING POST, and disgusting his +neighbour, Mrs. Fox, who reflects that she has never been +there. The widow is vexed out of patience, because her +daughter Maria has got a place beside young Cambric, the +penniless curate, and not by Colonel Goldmore, the rich +widower from India. The Doctor's wife is sulky, because +she has not been led out before the barrister's lady; old +Doctor Cork is grumbling at the wine, and Guttleton +sneering at the cookery. + +And to think that all these people might be so happy, and +easy, and friendly, were they brought together in a +natural unpretentious way, and but for an unhappy passion +for peacocks' feathers in England. Gentle shades of +Marat and Robespierre! when I see how all the honesty of +society is corrupted among us by the miserable fashion- +worship, I feel as angry as Mrs. Fox just mentioned, and +ready to order a general BATTUE of peacocks. + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +SOME CONTINENTAL SNOBS + +Now that September has come, and all our Parliamentary +duties are over, perhaps no class of Snobs are in such +high feather as the Continental Snobs. I watch these +daily as they commence their migrations from the beach at +Folkestone. I see shoals of them depart (not perhaps +without an innate longing too to quit the Island along +with those happy Snobs). Farewell, dear friends, I say: +you little know that the individual who regards you from +the beach is your friend and historiographer and brother. + +I went to-day to see our excellent friend Snooks, on +board the 'Queen of the French;' many scores of Snobs +were there, on the deck of that fine ship, marching forth +in their pride and bravery. They will be at Ostend in +four hours; they will inundate the Continent next week; +they will carry into far lands the famous image of the +British Snob. I shall not see them--but am with them in +spirit: and indeed there is hardly a country in the known +and civilized world in which these eyes have not beheld +them. + +I have seen Snobs, in pink coats and hunting-boots, +scouring over the Campagna of Rome; and have heard their +oaths and their well-known slang in the galleries of the +Vatican, and under the shadowy arches of the Colosseum. +I have met a Snob on a dromedary in the desert, and +picnicking under the Pyramid of Cheops. I like to think +how many gallant British Snobs there are, at this minute +of writing, pushing their heads out of every window in +the courtyard of 'Meurice's' in the Rue de Rivoli; or +roaring out, 'Garsong, du pang,' 'Garsong, du Yang;' or +swaggering down the Toledo at Naples; or even how many +will be on the look-out for Snooks on Ostend Pier,--for +Snooks, and the rest of the Snobs on board the 'Queen of +the French.' + +Look at the Marquis of Carabas and his two carriages. My +Lady Marchioness comes on board, looks round with that +happy air of mingled terror and impertinence which +distinguishes her ladyship, and rushes to her carriage, +for it is impossible that she should mingle with the +other Snobs on deck. There she sits, and will be ill in +private. The strawberry leaves on her chariot-panels are +engraved on her ladyship's heart. If she were going to +heaven instead of to Ostend, I rather think she would +expect to have DES PLACES RESERVEES for her, and would +send to order the best rooms. A courier, with his money- +bag of office round his shoulders--a huge scowling +footman, whose dark pepper-and-salt livery glistens with +the heraldic insignia of the Carabases--a brazen-looking, +tawdry French FEMME-DE-CHAMBRE (none but a female pen can +do justice to that wonderful tawdry toilette of the +lady's-maid EN VOYAGE)--and a miserable DAME DE +COMPAGNIE, are ministering to the wants of her ladyship +and her King Charles's spaniel. They are rushing to and +fro with eau-de-Cologne, pocket-handkerchiefs, which are +all fringe and cipher, and popping mysterious cushions +behind and before, and in every available corner of the +carriage. + +The little Marquis, her husband is walking about the deck +in a bewildered manner, with a lean daughter on each arm: +the carroty-tufted hope of the family is already smoking +on the foredeck in a travelling costume checked all over, +and in little lacquer-tip pod jean boots, and a shirt +embroidered with pink boa-constrictors. 'What is it that +gives travelling Snobs such a marvellous propensity to +rush into a costume? Why should a man not travel in a +coat, &c.? but think proper to dress himself like a +harlequin in mourning? See, even young Aldermanbury, the +tallow-merchant, who has just stepped on board, has got a +travelling-dress gaping all over with pockets; and little +Tom Tapeworm, the lawyer's clerk out of the City, who has +but three weeks' leave, turns out in gaiters and a bran- +new shooting-jacket, and must let the moustaches grow on +his little sniffy upper lip, forsooth! + +Pompey Hicks is giving elaborate directions to his +servant, and asking loudly, 'Davis, where's the dwessing- +case?' and 'Davis, you'd best take the pistol-case into +the cabin.' Little Pompey travels with a dressing-case, +and without a beard: whom he is going to shoot with his +pistols, who on earth can tell? and what he is to do with +his servant but wait upon him, I am at a loss to +conjecture. + +Look at honest Nathan Houndsditch and his lady, and their +little son. What a noble air of blazing contentment +illuminates the features of those Snobs of Eastern race! +What a toilette Houndsditch's is! What rings and chains, +what gold-headed canes and diamonds, what a tuft the +rogue has got to his chin (the rogue! he will never spare +himself any cheap enjoyment!) Little Houndsditch has a +little cane with a gilt head and little mosaic ornaments- +-altogether an extra air. As for the lady, she is all +the colours of the rainbow! she has a pink parasol, with +a white lining, and a yellow bonnet, and an emerald green +shawl, and a shot-silk pelisse; and drab boots and +rhubarb-coloured gloves; and parti-coloured glass +buttons, expanding from the size of a fourpenny-piece to +a crown, glitter and twiddle all down the front of her +gorgeous costume. I have said before, I like to look at +'the Peoples' on their gala days, they are so +picturesquely and outrageously splendid and happy. + +Yonder comes Captain Bull; spick and span, tight and +trim; who travels for four or six months every year of +his life; who does not commit himself by luxury of +raiment or insolence of demeanour, but I think is as +great a Snob as any man on board. Bull passes the season +in London, sponging for dinners, and sleeping in a garret +near his Club. Abroad, he has been everywhere; he knows +the best wine at every inn in every capital in Europe; +lives with the best English company there; has seen every +palace and picture-gallery from Madrid to Stockholm; +speaks an abominable little jargon of half-a-dozen +languages--and knows nothing--nothing. Bull hunts tufts +on the Continent, and is a sort of amateur courier. He +will scrape acquaintance with old Carabas before they +make Ostend; and will remind his lordship that he met him +at Vienna twenty years ago, or gave him a glass of +Schnapps up the Righi. We have said Bull knows nothing: +he knows the birth, arms, and pedigree of all the +peerage, has poked his little eyes into every one of the +carriages on board--their panels noted and their crests +surveyed; he knows all the Continental stories of English +scandal--how Count Towrowski ran off with Miss Baggs at +Naples--how VERY thick Lady Smigsmag was with young +Cornichon of the French Legation at Florence--the exact +amount which Jack Deuceace won of Bob Greengoose at +Baden--what it is that made the Staggs settle on the +Continent: the sum for which the O'Goggarty estates are +mortgaged, &c. If he can't catch a lord he will hook on +to a baronet, or else the old wretch will catch hold of +some beardless young stripling of fashion, and show him +'life' in various and amiable and inaccessible quarters. +Faugh! the old brute! If he has every one of the vices +of the most boisterous youth, at least he is comforted by +having no conscience. He is utterly stupid, but of a +jovial turn, He believes himself to be quite a +respectable member of society: but perhaps the only good +action he ever did in his life is the involuntary one of +giving an example to be avoided, and showing what an +odious thing in the social picture is that figure of the +debauched old man who passes through life rather a +decorous Silenus, and dies some day in his garret, alone, +unrepenting, and unnoted, save by his astonished heirs, +who find that the dissolute old miser has left money +behind him. See! he is up to old Carabas already! I +told you he would. + +Yonder you see the old Lady Mary MacScrew, and those +middle-aged young women her daughters; they are going to +cheapen and haggle in Belgium and up the Rhine until they +meet with a boarding-house where they can live upon less +board-wages than her ladyship pays her footmen. But she +will exact and receive considerable respect from the +British Snobs located in the watering place which she +selects for her summer residence, being the daughter of +the Earl of Haggistoun. That broad-shouldered buck, with +the great whiskers and the cleaned white kid-gloves, is +Mr. Phelim Clancy of Poldoodystown: he calls himself Mr. +De Clancy; he endeavours to disguise his native brogue +with the richest superposition of English; and if you +play at billiards or ECARTE with him, the chances are +that you will win the first game, and he the seven or +eight games ensuing. + +That overgrown lady with the four daughters, and the +young dandy from the University, her son, is Mrs. Kewsy, +the eminent barrister's lady, who would rather die than +not be in the fashion. She has the 'Peerage' in her +carpet-bag, you may be sure; but she is altogether cut +out by Mrs. Quod, the attorney's wife, whose carriage, +with the apparatus of rumbles, dickeys, and imperials, +scarcely yields in splendour to the Marquis of Carabas's +own travelling-chariot, and whose courier has even bigger +whiskers and a larger morocco money-bag than the +Marquis's own travelling gentleman. Remark her well: she +is talking to Mr. Spout, the new Member for Jawborough, +who is going out to inspect the operations of the +Zollverein, and will put some very severe questions to +Lord Palmerston next session upon England and her +relations with the Prussian-blue trade, the Naples-soap +trade, the German-tinder trade, &c. Spout will patronize +King Leopold at Brussels; will write letters from abroad +to the JAWBOROUGH INDEPENDENT; and in his quality of +MEMBER DU PARLIAMONG BRITANNIQUE, will expect to be +invited to a family dinner with every sovereign whose +dominions he honours with a visit during his tour. + +The next person is--but hark! the bell for shore is +ringing, and, shaking Snook's hand cordially, we rush on +to the pier, waving him a farewell as the noble black +ship cuts keenly through the sunny azure waters, bearing +away that cargo of Snobs outward bound. + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +CONTINENTAL SNOBBERY CONTINUED + +We are accustomed to laugh at the French for their +braggadocio propensities, and intolerable vanity about La +France, la gloire, l'Empereur, and the like; and yet I +think in my heart that the British Snob, for conceit and +self-sufficiency and braggartism in his way, is without a +parallel. There is always something uneasy in a +Frenchman's conceit. He brags with so much fury, +shrieking, and gesticulation; yells out so loudly that +the Francais is at the head of civilization, the centre +of thought, &c.; that one can't but see the poor fellow +has a lurking doubt in his own mind that he is not the +wonder he professes to be. + +About the British Snob, on the contrary, there is +commonly no noise, no bluster, but the calmness of +profound conviction. We are better than all the world; +we don't question the opinion at all; it's an axiom. And +when a Frenchman bellows out, 'LA FRANCE, MONSIEUR, LA +FRANCE EST A LA TETE DU MONDE CIVILISE!' we laugh good- +naturedly at the frantic poor devil. WE are the first +chop of the world: we know the fact so well in our secret +hearts that a claim set up elsewhere is simply ludicrous. +My dear brother reader, say, as a man of honour, if you +are not of this opinion? Do you think a Frenchman your +equal? You don't--you gallant British Snob--you know you +don't: no more, perhaps, does the Snob your humble +servant, brother. + +And I am inclined to think it is this conviction, and the +consequent bearing of the Englishman towards the +foreigner whom he condescends to visit, this confidence +of superiority which holds up the head of the owner of +every English hat-box from Sicily to St. Petersburg, that +makes us so magnificently hated throughout Europe as we +are; this--more than all our little victories, and of +which many Frenchmen and Spaniards have never heard--this +amazing and indomitable insular pride, which animates my +lord in his travelling-carriage as well as John in the +rumble. + +If you read the old Chronicles of the French wars, you +find precisely the same character of the Englishman, and +Henry V.'s people behaved with just the cool domineering +manner of our gallant veterans of France and the +Peninsula. Did you never hear Colonel Cutler and Major +Slasher talking over the war after dinner? or Captain +Boarder describing his action with the 'Indomptable?' +'Hang the fellows,' says Boarder, 'their practice was +very good. I was beat off three times before I took +her.' 'Cuss those carabineers of Milhaud's,' says +Slasher, 'what work they made of our light cavalry!' +implying a sort of surprise that the Frenchman should +stand up against Britons at all: a good-natured wonder +that the blind, mad, vain-glorious, brave poor devils +should actually have the courage to resist an Englishman. +Legions of such Englishmen are patronizing Europe at this +moment, being kind to the Pope, or good-natured to the +King of Holland, or condescending to inspect the Prussian +reviews. When Nicholas came here, who reviews a quarter +of a million of pairs of moustaches to his breakfast +every morning, we took him off to Windsor and showed him +two whole regiments of six or eight hundred Britons a- +piece, with an air as much as to say,--'There, my boy, +look at THAT. Those are ENGLISHMEN, those are, and your +master whenever you please,' as the nursery song says. +The British Snob is long, long past scepticism, and can +afford to laugh quite good-humouredly at those conceited +Yankees, or besotted little Frenchmen, who set up as +models of mankind. THEY forsooth! + +I have been led into these remarks by listening to an old +fellow at the Hotel du Nord, at Boulogne, and who is +evidently of the Slasher sort. He came down and seated +himself at the breakfast-table, with a surly scowl on his +salmon-coloured bloodshot face, strangling in a tight, +cross-barred cravat; his linen and his appointments so +perfectly stiff and spotless that everybody at once +recognized him as a dear countryman. Only our port-wine +and other admirable institutions could have produced a +figure so insolent, so stupid, so gentleman-like. After +a while our attention was called to him by his roaring +out, in a voice of plethoric fury, 'O!' + +Everybody turned round at the 'O,' conceiving the Colonel +to be, as his countenance denoted him, in intense pain; +but the waiters knew better, and instead of being +alarmed, brought the Colonel the kettle. 'O,' it +appears, is the French for hot-water. The Colonel +(though he despises it heartily) thinks he speaks the +language remarkably well. Whilst he was inhausting his +smoking tea, which went rolling and gurgling down his +throat, and hissing over the 'hot coppers' of that +respectable veteran, a friend joined him, with a wizened +face and very black wig, evidently a Colonel too. + +The two warriors, waggling their old heads at each other, +presently joined breakfast, and fell into conversation, +and we had the advantage of hearing about the old war, +and some pleasant conjectures as to the next, which they +considered imminent. They psha'd the French fleet; they +pooh-pooh'd the French commercial marine; they showed +how, in a war, there would be a cordon ('a cordong, by--- +') of steamers along our coast, and 'by ---,' ready at a +minute to land anywhere on the other shore, to give the +French as good a thrashing as they got in the last war, +'by ---'. In fact, a rumbling cannonade of oaths was +fired by the two veterans during the whole of their +conversation. + +There was a Frenchman in the room, but as he had not been +above ten years in London, of course he did not speak the +language, and lost the benefit of the conversation. +'But, O my country!' said I to myself, it's no wonder +that you are so beloved! If I were a Frenchman, how I +would hate you!' + +That brutal, ignorant, peevish bully of an Englishman is +showing himself in every city of Europe. One of the +dullest creatures under heaven, he goes travelling Europe +under foot, shouldering his way into galleries and +cathedrals, and bustling into palaces with his buck-ram +uniform. At church or theatre, gala or picture-gallery, +HIS face never varies. A thousand delightful sights pass +before his bloodshot eyes, and don't affect him. +Countless brilliant scenes of life and manners are shown +him, but never move him. He goes to church, and calls +the practices there degrading and superstitious: as if +HIS altar was the only one that was acceptable. He goes +to picture-galleries, and is more ignorant about Art than +a French shoeblack. Art, Nature pass, and there is no +dot of admiration in his stupid eyes: nothing moves him, +except when a very great man comes his way, and then the +rigid, proud, self-confident, inflexible British Snob can +be as humble as a flunkey and as supple as a harlequin. + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +ENGLISH SNOBS ON THE CONTINENT + +'WHAT is the use of Lord Rome's telescope?' my friend +Panwiski exclaimed the other day. 'It only enables you +to see a few hundred thousands of miles farther. What +were thought to be mere nebulae, turn out to be most +perceivable starry systems; and beyond these, you see +other nebulae, which a more powerful glass will show to +be stars, again; and so they go on glittering and winking +away into eternity.' With which my friend Pan, heaving a +great sigh, as if confessing his inability to look +Infinity in the face, sank back resigned, and swallowed a +large bumper of claret. + +I (who, like other great men, have but one idea), thought +to myself, that as the stars are, so are the Snobs:--the +more. you gaze upon those luminaries, the more you +behold--now nebulously congregated--now faintly +distinguishable--now brightly defined--until they twinkle +off in endless blazes, and fade into the immeasurable +darkness. I am but as a child playing on the sea-shore. +Some telescopic philosopher will arise one day, some +great Snobonomer, to find the laws of the great science +which we are now merely playing with, and to define, and +settle, and classify that which is at present but vague +theory, and loose though elegant assertion. + +Yes: a single eye can but trace a very few and simple +varieties of the enormous universe of Snobs. I sometimes +think of appealing to the public, and calling together a +congress of SAVANS, such as met at Southampton--each to +bring his contributions and read his paper on the Great +Subject. For what can a single poor few do, even with +the subject at present in hand? English Snobs on the +Continent--though they are a hundred thousand times less +numerous than on their native island, yet even these few +are too many. One can only fix a stray one here and +there. The individuals are caught--the thousands escape. +I have noted down but three whom I have met with in my +walk this morning through this pleasant marine city of +Boulogne. + +There is the English Raff Snob, that frequents ESTAMINETS +and CABARETS; who is heard yelling, 'We won't go home +till morning!' and startling the midnight echoes of quiet +Continental towns with shrieks of English slang. The +boozy unshorn wretch is seen hovering round quays as +packets arrive, and tippling drains in inn bars where he +gets credit. He talks French with slang familiarity: he +and his like quite people the debt-prisons on the +Continent. He plays pool at the billiard-houses, and may +be seen engaged at cards and dominoes of forenoons. His +signature is to be seen on countless bills of exchange: +it belonged to an honourable family once, very likely; +for the English Raff most probably began by being a +gentleman, and has a father over the water who is ashamed +to hear his name. He has cheated the old 'governor' +repeatedly in better days, and swindled his sisters of +their portions, and robbed his younger brothers. Now he +is living on his wife's jointure: she is hidden away in +some dismal garret, patching shabby finery and cobbling +up old clothes for her children--the most miserable and +slatternly of women. + +Or sometimes the poor woman and her daughters go about +timidly, giving lessons in English and music, or do +embroidery and work under-hand, to purchase the means for +the POT-AU-FEU; while Raff is swaggering on the quay, or +tossing off glasses of cognac at the CAF. The +unfortunate creature has a child still every year, and +her constant hypocrisy is to try and make her girls +believe that their father is a respectable man, and to +huddle him out of the way when the brute comes home +drunk. + +Those poor ruined souls get together and have a society +of their own, the which it is very affecting to watch-- +those tawdry pretences at gentility, those flimsy +attempts at gaiety: those woful sallies: that jingling +old piano; oh, it makes the heart sick to see and hear +them. As Mrs. Raff, with her company of pale daughters, +gives a penny tea to Mrs. Diddler, they talk about bygone +times and the fine society they kept; and they sing +feeble songs out of tattered old music-books; and while +engaged in this sort of entertainment, in comes Captain +Raff with his greasy hat on one side, and straightway the +whole of the dismal room reeks with a mingled odour of +smoke and spirits. + +Has not everybody who has lived abroad met Captain Raff? +His name is proclaimed, every now and then, by Mr. +Sheriff's Officer Hemp; and about Boulogne, and Paris, +and Brussels, there are so many of his sort that I will +lay a wager that I shall be accused of gross personality +for showing him up. Many a less irreclaimable villain is +transported; many a more honourable man is at present at +the treadmill; and although we are the noblest, greatest, +most religious, and most moral people in the world, I +would still like to know where, except in the United +Kingdom, debts are a matter of joke, and making tradesmen +'suffer' a sport that gentlemen own to? It is +dishonourable to owe money in France. You never hear +people in other parts of Europe brag of their swindling; +or see a prison in a large Continental town which is not +more or less peopled with English rogues. + +A still more loathsome and dangerous Snob than the above +transparent and passive scamp, is frequent on the +continent of Europe, and my young Snob friends who are +travelling thither should be especially warned against +him. Captain Legg is a gentleman, like Raff, though +perhaps of a better degree. He has robbed his family +too, but of a great deal more, and has boldly dishonoured +bills for thousands, where Raff has been boggling over +the clumsy conveyance of a ten-pound note. Legg is +always at the best inn, with the finest waistcoats and +moustaches, or tearing about in the flashest of britzkas, +while poor Raff is tipsifying himself with spirits, and +smoking cheap tobacco. It is amazing to think that Legg, +so often shown up, and known everywhere, is flourishing +yet. He would sink into utter ruin, but for the constant +and ardent love of gentility that distinguishes the +English Snob. There is many a young fellow of the middle +classes who must know Legg to be a rogue and a cheat; and +yet from his desire to be in the fashion, and his +admiration of tip-top swells, and from his ambition to +air himself by the side of a Lord's son, will let Legg +make an income out of him; content to pay, so long as he +can enjoy that society. Many a worthy father of a +family, when he hears that his son is riding about with +Captain Legg, Lord Levant's son, is rather pleased that +young Hopeful should be in such good company. + +Legg and his friend, Major Macer, make professional tours +through Europe, and are to be found at the right places +at the right time. Last year I heard how my young +acquaintance, Mr. Muff, from Oxford, going to see a +little life at a Carnival ball at Paris, was accosted by +an Englishman who did not know a word of the d---- +language, and hearing Muff speak it so admirably, begged +him to interpret to a waiter with whom there was a +dispute about refreshments. It was quite a comfort, the +stranger said, to see an honest English face; and did +Muff know where there was a good place for supper? So +those two went to supper, and who should come in, of all +men in the world, but Major Macer? And so Legg +introduced Macer, and so there came on a little intimacy, +and three-card loo, &c. &c.. Year after year scores of +Muffs, in various places in the world, are victimised by +Legg and Macer. The story is so stale, the trick of +seduction so entirely old and clumsy, that it is only a +wonder people can be taken in any more: but the +temptations of vice and gentility together are too much +for young English Snobs, and those simple young victims +are caught fresh every day. Though it is only to be +kicked and cheated by men of fashion, your true British +Snob will present himself for the honour. + +I need not allude here to that very common British Snob, +who makes desperate efforts at becoming intimate with the +great Continental aristocracy, such as old Rolls, the +baker, who has set up his quarters in the Faubourg Saint +Germain, and will receive none but Carlists, and no +French gentleman under the rank of a Marquis. We can all +of us laugh at THAT fellow's pretensions well enough--we +who tremble before a great man of our own nation. But, +as you say, my brave and honest John Bull of a Snob, a +French Marquis of twenty descents is very different from +an English Peer; and a pack of beggarly German and +Italian Fuersten and Principi awaken the scorn of an +honest-minded Briton. But our aristocracy!--that's a +very different matter. They are the real leaders of the +world--the real old original and-no-mistake nobility. + +Off with your cap, Snob; down on your knees, Snob, and +truckle. + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +ON SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +Tired of the town, where the sight of the closed shutters +of the nobility, my friends, makes my heart sick in my +walks; afraid almost to sit in those vast Pall Mall +solitudes, the Clubs, and of annoying the Club waiters, +who might, I thought, be going to shoot in the country, +but for me, I determined on a brief tour in the +provinces, and paying some visits in the country which +were long due. + +My first visit was to my friend Major Ponto (H.P. of the +Horse Marines), in Mangelwurzelshire. The Major, in his +little phaeton, was in waiting to take me up at the +station. The vehicle was not certainly splendid, but +such a carriage as would accommodate a plain man (as +Ponto said he was) and a numerous family. We drove by +beautiful fresh fields and green hedges, through a +cheerful English landscape; the high-road, as smooth and +trim as the way in a nobleman's park, was charmingly +chequered with cool shade and golden sunshine. Rustics +in snowy smock-frocks jerked their hats off smiling as we +passed. Children, with cheeks as red as the apples in +the orchards, bobbed curtsies to us at the cottage-doors. +Blue church spires rose here and there in the distance: +and as the buxom gardener's wife opened the white gate at +the Major's little ivy-covered lodge, and we drove +through the neat plantations of firs and evergreens, up +to the house, my bosom felt a joy and elation which I +thought it was impossible to experience in the smoky +atmosphere of a town. 'Here,' I mentally exclaimed, 'is +all peace, plenty, happiness. Here, I shall be rid of +Snobs. There can be none in this charming Arcadian +spot.' + +Stripes, the Major's man (formerly corporal in his +gallant corps), received my portmanteau, and an elegant +little present, which I had brought from town as a peace- +offering to Mrs. Ponto; viz., a cod and oysters from +Grove's, in a hamper about the size of a coffin. + +Ponto's house ('The Evergreens' Mrs. P. has christened +it) is a perfect Paradise of a place. It is all over +creepers, and bow-windows, and verandahs. A wavy lawn +tumbles up and down all round it, with flower-beds of +wonderful shapes, and zigzag gravel walks, and beautiful +but damp shrubberies of myrtles and glistening +laurustines, which have procured it its change of name. +It was called Little Bullock's Pound in old Doctor +Ponto's time. I had a view of the pretty grounds, and +the stable, and the adjoining village and church, and a +great park beyond, from the windows of the bedroom +whither Ponto conducted me. It was the yellow bedroom, +the freshest and pleasantest of bed-chambers; the air was +fragrant with a large bouquet that was placed on the +writing-table; the linen was fragrant with the lavender +in which it had been laid; the chintz hangings of the bed +and the big sofa were, if not fragrant with flowers, at +least painted all over with them; the pen-wiper on the +table was the imitation of a double dahlia; and there was +accommodation for my watch in a sun-flower on the +mantelpiece. A scarlet-leaved creeper came curling over +the windows, through which the setting sun was pouring a +flood of golden light. It was all flowers and freshness. +Oh, how unlike those black chimney-pots in St. Alban's +Place, London, on which these weary eyes are accustomed +to look. + +'It must be all happiness here, Ponto,' said I, flinging +myself down into the snug BERGERE, and inhaling such a +delicious draught of country air as all the MILLEFLEURS +of Mr. Atkinson's shop cannot impart to any the most +expensive pocket-handkerchief. + +'Nice place, isn't it?' said Ponto. 'Quiet and +unpretending. I like everything quiet. You've not +brought your valet with you? Stripes will arrange your +dressing things;' and that functionary, entering at the +same time, proceeded to gut my portmanteau, and to lay +out the black kerseymeres, 'the rich cut velvet Genoa +waistcoat,' the white choker, and other polite articles +of evening costume, with great gravity and despatch. 'A +great dinner-party,' thinks I to myself, seeing these +preparations (and not, perhaps, displeased at the idea +that some of the best people in the neighbourhood were +coming to see me). 'Hark, theres the first bell ringing! +'said Ponto, moving away; and, in fact, a clamorous +harbinger of victuals began clanging from the stable +turret, and announced the agreeable fact that dinner +would appear in half-an-hour. 'If the dinner is as grand +as the dinner-bell,' thought I, 'faith, I'm in good +quarters!' and had leisure, during the half-hour's +interval, not only to advance my own person to the utmost +polish of elegance which it is capable of receiving, to +admire the pedigree of the Pontos hanging over the +chimney, and the Ponto crest and arms emblazoned on the +wash-hand basin and jug, but to make a thousand +reflections on the happiness of a country life--upon the +innocent friendliness and cordiality of rustic +intercourse; and to sigh for an opportunity of retiring, +like Ponto, to my own fields, to my own vine and fig- +tree, with a placens uxor in my domus, and a half-score +of sweet young pledges of affection sporting round my +paternal knee. + +Clang! At the end of thirty minutes, dinner-bell number +two pealed from the adjacent turret. I hastened +downstairs, expecting to find a score of healthy country +folk in the drawing-room. There was only one person +there; a tall and Roman-nosed lady, glistering over with +bugles, in deep mourning. She rose, advanced two steps, +made a majestic curtsey, during which all the bugles in +her awful head-dress began to twiddle and quiver--and +then said, 'Mr. Snob, we are very happy to see you at the +Evergreens,' and heaved a great sigh. + +This, then, was Mrs. Major Ponto; to whom making my very +best bow, I replied, that I was very proud to make her +acquaintance, as also that of so charming a place as the +Evergreens. + +Another sigh. 'We are distantly related, Mr. Snob,' said +she, shaking her melancholy head. 'Poor dear Lord +Rubadub!' + +'Oh!' said I; not knowing what the deuce Mrs. Major Ponto +meant. + +'Major Ponto told me that you were of the Leicestershire +Snobs: a very old family, and related to Lord +Snobbington, who married Laura Rubadub, who is a cousin +of mine, as was her poor dear father, for whom we are +mourning. What a seizure! only sixty-three, and apoplexy +quite unknown until now in our family! In life we are in +death, Mr. Snob. Does Lady Snobbington bear the +deprivation well?' + +'Why, really, ma'am, I--I don't know,' I replied, more +and more confused. + +As she was speaking I heard a sort of CLOOP, by which +well-known sound I was aware that somebody was opening a +bottle of wine, and Ponto entered, in a huge white +neckcloth, and a rather shabby black suit. + +'My love,' Mrs. Major Ponto said to her husband, 'we were +talking of our cousin--poor dear Lord Rubadub. His death +has placed some of the first families in England in +mourning. Does Lady Rubadub keep the house in Hill +Street, do you know?' + +I didn't know, but I said, 'I believe she does,' at a +venture; and, looking down to the drawing-room table, saw +the inevitable, abominable, maniacal, absurd, disgusting +'Peerage' open on the table, interleaved with +annotations, and open at the article 'Snobbington.' + +'Dinner is served,' says Stripes, flinging open the door; +and I gave Mrs. Major Ponto my arm. + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +A VISIT TO SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +Of the dinner to which we now sat down, I am not going to +be a severe critic. The mahogany I hold to be +inviolable; but this I will say, that I prefer sherry to +marsala when I can get it, and the latter was the wine of +which I have no doubt I heard the 'cloop' just before +dinner. Nor was it particularly good of its kind; +however, Mrs. Major Ponto did not evidently know the +difference, for she called the liquor Amontillado during +the whole of the repast, and drank but half a glass of +it, leaving the rest for the Major and his guest. + +Stripes was in the livery of the Ponto family--a thought +shabby, but gorgeous in the extreme--lots of magnificent +worsted lace, and livery buttons of a very notable size. +The honest fellow's hands, I remarked, were very large +and black; and a fine odour of the stable was wafted +about the room as he moved to and fro in his +ministration. I should have preferred a clean +maidservant, but the sensations of Londoners are too +acute perhaps on these subjects; and a faithful John, +after all, IS more genteel. + +>From the circumstance of the dinner being composed of +pig's-head mock-turtle soup, of pig's fry and roast ribs +of pork, I am led to imagine that one of Ponto's black +Hampshires had been sacrificed a short time previous to +my visit. It was an excellent and comfortable repast; +only there WAS rather a sameness in it, certainly. I +made a similar remark the next day'. + +During the dinner Mrs. Ponto asked me many questions +regarding the nobility, my relatives. 'When Lady +Angelina Skeggs would come out; and if the countess her +mamma' (this was said with much archness and he-he-ing) +'still wore that extraordinary purple hair-dye?' +'Whether my Lord Guttlebury kept, besides his French +chef, and an English cordonbleu for the roasts, an +Italian for the confectionery?' + +'Who attended at Lady Clapperclaw's conversazioni?' and +'whether Sir John Champignon's "Thursday Mornings" were +pleasant?' 'Was it true that Lady Carabas, wanting to +pawn her diamonds, found that they were paste, and that +the Marquis had disposed of them beforehand?' 'How was +it that Snuffin, the great tobacco-merchant, broke off +the marriage which was on the tapis between him and their +second daughter; and was it true that a mulatto lady came +over from the Havanna and forbade the match?' + +'Upon my word, Madam,' I had begun, and was going on to +say that I didn't know one word about all these matters +which seemed so to interest Mrs. Major Ponto, when the +Major, giving me a tread or stamp with his large foot +under the table, said-- 'Come, come, Snob my boy, we are +all tiled, you know. We KNOW you're one of the +fashionable people about town: we saw your name at Lady +Clapperclaw's SOIREES, and the Champignon breakfasts; and +as for the Rubadubs, of course, as relations ---' + +'Oh, of course, I dine there twice a-week,' I said; and +then I remembered that my cousin, Humphry Snob, of the +Middle Temple, IS a great frequenter of genteel +societies, and to have seen his name in the MORNING POST +at the tag-end of several party lists. So, taking the +hint, I am ashamed to say I indulged Mrs. Major Ponto +with a deal of information about the first families in +England, such as would astonish those great personages if +they knew it. I described to her most accurately the +three reigning beauties of last season at Almack's: told +her in confidence that his Grace the D--- of W--- was +going to be married the day after his Statue was put up; +that his Grace the D--- of D--- was also about to lead +the fourth daughter of the Archduke Stephen to the +hymeneal altar:--and talked to her, in a word, just in +the style of Mrs. Gore's last fashionable novel. + +Mrs. Major was quite fascinated by this brilliant +conversation. She began to trot out scraps of French, +just for all the world as they do in the novels; and +kissed her hand to me quite graciously, telling me to +come soon to caffy, UNG PU DE MUSICK O SALONG--with which +she tripped off like an elderly fairy. + +'Shall I open a bottle of port, or do you ever drink such +a thing as Hollands and water?' says Ponto, looking +ruefully at me. This was a very different style of thing +to what I had been led to expect from him at our smoking- +room at the Club: where he swaggers about his horses and +his cellar: and slapping me on the shoulder used to say, +'Come down to Mangelwurzelshire, Snob my boy, and I'll +give you as good a day's shooting and as good a glass of +claret as any in the county.'--'Well,' I said, 'I like +Hollands much better than port, and gin even better than +Hollands.' This was lucky. It WAS gin; and Stripes +brought in hot water on a splendid plated tray. + +The jingling of a harp and piano soon announced that Mrs. +Ponto's ung PU DE MUSICK had commenced, and the smell of +the stable again entering the dining-room, in the person +of Stripes, summoned us to CAFFY and the little concert. +She beckoned me with a winning smile to the sofa, on +which she made room for me, and where we could command a +fine view of the backs of the young ladies who were +performing the musical entertainment. Very broad backs +they were too, strictly according to the present mode, +for crinoline or its substitutes is not an expensive +luxury, and young people in the country can afford to be +in the fashion at very trifling charges. Miss Emily +Ponto at the piano, and her sister Maria at that somewhat +exploded instrument, the harp, were in light blue dresses +that looked all flounce, and spread out like Mr. Green's +balloon when inflated. + +'Brilliant touch Emily has--what a fine arm Maria's is,' +Mrs. Ponto remarked good-naturedly, pointing out the +merits of her daughters, and waving her own arm in such a +way as to show that she was not a little satisfied with +the beauty of that member. I observed she had about nine +bracelets and bangles, consisting of chains and padlocks, +the Major's miniature, and a variety of brass serpents +with fiery ruby or tender turquoise eyes, writhing up to +her elbow almost, in the most profuse contortions. + +'You recognize those polkas? They were played at +Devonshire House on the 23rd of July, the day of the +grand fˆte.' So I said yes--I knew 'em quite intimately; +and began wagging my head as if in acknowledgment of +those old friends. + +When the performance was concluded, I had the felicity of +a presentation and conversation with the two tall and +scraggy Miss Pontos; and Miss Wirt, the governess, sat +down to entertain us with variations on 'Sich a gettin' +up Stairs.' They were determined to be in the fashion. + +For the performance of the 'Gettin' up Stairs,' I have no +other name but that it was a STUNNER. First Miss Wirt, +with great deliberation, played the original and +beautiful melody, cutting it, as it were, out of the +instrument, and firing off each note so loud, clear, and +sharp, that I am sure Stripes must have heard it in the +stable. + +'What a finger!' says Mrs. Ponto; and indeed it WAS a +finger, as knotted as a turkey's drumstick, and splaying +all over the piano. When she had banged out the tune +slowly, she began a different manner of 'Gettin' up +Stairs,' and did so with a fury and swiftness quite +incredible. She spun up stairs; she whirled up stairs: +she galloped up stairs; she rattled up stairs; and then +having got the tune to the top landing, as it were, she +hurled it down again shrieking to the bottom floor, where +it sank in a crash as if exhausted by the breathless +rapidity of the descent. Then Miss Wirt played the +'Gettin' up Stairs' with the most pathetic and ravishing +solemnity: plaintive moans and sobs issued from the keys- +-you wept and trembled as you were gettin' up stairs. +Miss Wirt's hands seemed to faint and wail and die in +variations: again, and she went up with a savage clang +and rush of trumpets, as if Miss Wirt was storming a +breach; and although I knew nothing of music, as I sat +and listened with my mouth open to this wonderful +display, my CAFFY grew cold, and I wondered the windows +did not crack and the chandelier start out of the beam at +the sound of this earthquake of a piece of music. + +'Glorious creature! Isn't she?' said Mrs. Ponto. +'Squirtz's favourite pupil--inestimable to have such a +creature. Lady Carabas would give her eyes for her! A +prodigy of accomplishments! Thank you, Miss Wirt'--and +the young ladies gave a heave and a gasp of admiration--a +deep-breathing gushing sound, such as you hear at church +when the sermon comes to a full stop. + +Miss Wirt put her two great double-knuckled hands round a +waist of her two pupils, and said, 'My dear children, I +hope you will be able to play it soon as well as your +poor little governess. When I lived with the Dunsinanes, +it was the dear Duchess's favourite, and Lady Barbara and +Lady Jane McBeth learned it. It was while hearing Jane +play that, I remember, that dear Lord Castletoddy first +fell in love with her; and though he is but an Irish +Peer, with not more than fifteen thousand a year, I +persuaded Jane to have him. Do you know Castletoddy, Mr. +Snob?--round towers--sweet place-County Mayo. Old Lord +Castletoddy (the present Lord was then Lord Inishowan) +was a most eccentric old man--they say he was mad. I +heard his Royal Highness the poor dear Duke of Sussex-- +(SUCH a man, my dears, but alas! addicted to smoking!)--I +heard his Royal Highness say to the Marquis of Anglesey, +"I am sure Castletoddy is mad!" but Inishowan wasn't in +marrying my sweet Jane, though the dear child had but her +ten thousand pounds POUR TOUT POTAGE!' + +'Most invaluable person,' whispered Mrs. Major Ponto to +me. 'Has lived in the very highest society:' and I, who +have been accustomed to see governesses bullied in the +world, was delighted to find this one ruling the roast, +and to think that even the majestic Mrs. Ponto bent +before her. + +As for my pipe, so to speak, it went out at once. I +hadn't a word to say against a woman who was intimate +with every Duchess in the Red Book. She wasn't the +rosebud, but she had been near it. She had rubbed +shoulders with the great, and about these we talked all +the evening incessantly, and about the fashions, and +about the Court, until bed-time came. + +'And are there Snobs in this Elysium?' I exclaimed, +jumping into the lavender-perfumed bed. Ponto's snoring +boomed from the neighbouring bed-room in reply. + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +ON SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +Something like a journal of the proceedings at the +Evergreens may be interesting to those foreign readers of +PUNCH who want to know the customs of an English +gentleman's family and household. There's plenty of time +to keep the Journal. Piano-strumming begins at six +o'clock in the morning; it lasts till breakfast, with but +a minute's intermission, when the instrument changes +hands, and Miss Emily practises in place of her sister +Miss Maria. + +In fact, the confounded instrument never stops when the +young ladies are at their lessons, Miss Wirt hammers away +at those stunning variations, and keeps her magnificent +finger in exercise. + +I asked this great creature in what other branches of +education she instructed her pupils? 'The modern +languages,' says she modestly: 'French, German, Spanish, +and Italian, Latin and the rudiments of Greek if desired. +English of course; the practice of Elocution, Geography, +and Astronomy, and the Use of the Globes, Algebra (but +only as far as quadratic equations); for a poor ignorant +female, you know, Mr. Snob, cannot be expected to know +everything. Ancient and Modern History no young woman +can be without; and of these I make my beloved pupils +PERFECT MISTRESSES. Botany, Geology, and Mineralogy, I +consider as amusements. And with these I assure you we +manage to pass the days at the Evergreens not +unpleasantly.' + +Only these, thought I--what an education! But I looked +in one of Miss Ponto's manuscript song-books and found +five faults of French in four words; and in a waggish +mood asking Miss Wirt whether Dante Algiery was so called +because he was born at Algiers, received a smiling answer +in the affirmative, which made me rather doubt about the +accuracy of Miss Wirt's knowledge. + +When the above little morning occupations are concluded, +these unfortunate young women perform what they call +Calisthenic Exercises in the garden. I saw them to-day, +without any crinoline, pulling the garden-roller. + +Dear Mrs. Ponto was in the garden too, and as limp as her +daughters; in a faded bandeau of hair, in a battered +bonnet, in a holland pinafore, in pattens, on a broken +chair, snipping leaves off a vine. Mrs. Ponto measures +many yards about in an evening. Ye heavens! what a guy +she is in that skeleton morning-costume! + +Besides Stripes, they keep a boy called Thomas or Tummus. +Tummus works in the garden or about the pigsty and +stable; Thomas wears a page's costume of eruptive +buttons. + +When anybody calls, and Stripes is out of the way, Tummus +flings himself like mad into Thomas's clothes, and comes +out metamorphosed like Harlequin in the pantomime. To- +day, as Mrs. P. was cutting the grapevine, as the young +ladies were at the roller, down comes Tummus like a +roaring whirlwind, with 'Missus, Missus, there's company +coomin'!' Away skurry the young ladies from the roller, +down comes Mrs. P. from the old chair, off flies Tummus +to change his clothes, and in an incredibly short space +of time Sir John Hawbuck, my Lady Hawbuck, and Master +Hugh Hawbuck are introduced into the garden with brazen +effrontery by Thomas, who says, 'Please Sir Jan and my +Lady to walk this year way: I KNOW Missus is in the rose- +garden.' + +And there, sure enough, she was! + +In a pretty little garden bonnet, with beautiful curling +ringlets, with the smartest of aprons and the freshest of +pearl-coloured gloves, this amazing woman was in the arms +of her dearest Lady Hawbuck. 'Dearest Lady Hawbuck, how +good of you! Always among my flowers! can't live away +from them!' + +'Sweets to the sweet! hum--a-ha--haw!' says Sir John +Hawbuck, who piques himself on his gallantry, and says +nothing without 'a-hum--a-ha--a-haw!' + +'Whereth yaw pinnafaw?' cries Master Hugh. 'WE thaw you +in it, over the wall, didn't we, Pa?' + +'Hum--a-ha--a-haw!' burst out Sir John, dreadfully +alarmed. 'Where's Ponto? Why wasn't he at Quarter +Sessions? How are his birds this year, Mrs. Ponto--have +those Carabas pheasants done any harm to your wheat? a- +hum--a-ha--a-haw!' and all this while he was making the +most ferocious and desperate signals to his youthful +heir. + +'Well, she WATH in her pinnafaw, wathn't she, Ma?' says +Hugh, quite unabashed; which question Lady Hawbuck turned +away with a sudden query regarding her dear darling +daughters, and the ENFANT TERRIBLE was removed by his +father. + +'I hope you weren't disturbed by the music?' Ponto says. +'My girls, you know, practise four hours a day, you know- +-must do it, you know--absolutely necessary. As for me, +you know I'm an early man, and in my farm every morning +at five--no, no laziness for ME.' + +The facts are these. Ponto goes to sleep directly after +dinner on entering the drawing-room, and wakes up when +the ladies leave off practice at ten. From seven till +ten, from ten till five, is a very fair allowance of +slumber for a man who says he's NOT a lazy man. It is my +private opinion that when Ponto retires to what is called +his 'Study,' he sleeps too. He locks himself up there +daily two hours with the newspaper. + +I saw the HAWBUCK scene out of the Study, which commands +the garden. It's a curious object, that Study. Ponto's +library mostly consists of boots. He and Stripes have +important interviews here of mornings, when the potatoes +are discussed, or the fate of the calf ordained, or +sentence passed on the pig, &c.. All the Major's bills +are docketed on the Study table and displayed like a +lawyer's briefs. Here, too, lie displayed his hooks, +knives, and other gardening irons, his whistles, and +strings of spare buttons. He has a drawer of endless +brown paper for parcels, and another containing a +prodigious and never-failing supply of string. What a +man can want with so many gig-whips I can never conceive. +These, and fishing-rods, and landing-nets, and spurs, and +boot-trees, and balls for horses, and surgical implements +for the same, and favourite pots of shiny blacking, with +which he paints his own shoes in the most elegant manner, +and buckskin gloves stretched out on their trees, and his +gorget, sash, and sabre of the Horse Marines, with his +boot-hooks underneath in atrophy; and the family +medicine-chest, and in a corner the very rod with which +he used to whip his son, Wellesley Ponto, when a boy +(Wellesley never entered the 'Study' but for that awful +purpose)--all these, with 'Mogg's Road Book,' the +GARDENERS' CHRONICLE, and a backgammon-board, form the +Major's library. Under the trophy there's a picture of +Mrs. Ponto, in a light blue dress and train, and no +waist, when she was first married; a fox's brush lies +over the frame, and serves to keep the dust off that work +of art. + +'My library's small, says Ponto, with the most amazing +impudence, 'but well selected, my boy--well selected. I +have been reading the "History of England" all the +morning.' + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +A VISIT TO SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +We had the fish, which, as the kind reader may remember, +I had brought down in a delicate attention to Mrs. Ponto, +to variegate the repast of next day; and cod and oyster- +sauce, twice laid, salt cod and scolloped oysters, formed +parts of the bill of fare until I began to fancy that the +Ponto family, like our late revered monarch George II., +had a fancy for stale fish. And about this time, the pig +being consumed, we began upon a sheep. + +But how shall I forget the solemn splendour of a second +course, which was served up in great state by Stripes in +a silver dish and cove; a napkin round his dirty thumbs; +and consisted of a landrail, not much bigger than a +corpulent sparrow. + +'My love, will you take any game?' says Ponto, with +prodigious gravity; and stuck his fork into that little +mouthful of an island in the silver sea. Stripes, too, +at intervals, dribbled out the Marsala with a solemnity +which would have done honour to a Duke's butler. The +Bamnecide's dinner to Shacabac was only one degree +removed from these solemn banquets. + +As there were plenty of pretty country places close by; a +comfortable country town, with good houses of +gentlefolks; a beautiful old parsonage, close to the +church whither we went (and where the Carabas family have +their ancestral carved and monumented Gothic pew), and +every appearance of good society in the neighbourhood, I +rather wondered we were not enlivened by the appearance +of some of the neighbours at the Evergreens, and asked +about them. + +'We can't in our position of life--we can't well +associate with the attorney's family, as I leave you to +suppose,' says Mrs. Ponto, confidentially. 'Of course +not,' I answered, though I didn't know why. 'And the +Doctor?' said I. + +'A most excellent worthy creature,' says Mrs. P. saved +Maria's life--really a learned man; but what can one do +in one's position? One may ask one's medical man to +one's table certainly: but his family, my dear Mr. Snob!' + +'Half-a-dozen little gallipots,' interposed Miss Wirt, +the governess: 'he, he, he!' and the young ladies laughed +in chorus. + +'We only live with the county families,' Miss Wirt (1) +continued, tossing up her head. 'The Duke is abroad: we +are at feud with the Carabases; the Ringwoods don't come +down till Christmas: in fact, nobody's here till the +hunting season--positively nobody.' + +'Whose is the large red house just outside of the town?' + +'What! the CHATEAU-CALICOT? he, he, he! That purse-proud +ex-linendraper, Mr. Yardley, with the yellow liveries, +and the wife in red velvet? How CAN you, my dear Mr. +Snob, be so satirical? The impertinence of those people +is really something quite overwhelming.' + +'Well, then, there is the parson, Doctor Chrysostom. +He's a gentleman, at any rate.' At this Mrs. Ponto +looked at Miss Wirt. After their eyes had met and they +had wagged their heads at each other. They looked up to +the ceiling. So did the young ladies. They thrilled. +It was evident I had said something terrible. Another +black sheep in the Church? thought I with a little +sorrow; for I don't care to own that I have a respect for +the cloth. 'I--hope there's nothing wrong? + +'Wrong?' says Mrs. P., clasping her hands with a tragic +air. + +'Oh!' says Miss Wirt, and the two girls, gasping in +chorus. + +'Well,' says I, 'I'm very sorry for it. I never saw a +nicer-looking old gentleman, or a better school, or heard +a better sermon.' + +'He used to preach those sermons in a surplice,' hissed +out Mrs. Ponto. 'He's a Puseyite, Mr. Snob.' + +'Heavenly powers!' says I, admiring the pure ardour of +these female theologians; and Stripes came in with the +tea. It's so weak that no wonder Ponto's sleep isn't +disturbed by it. + +Of mornings we used to go out shooting. We had Ponto's +own fields to sport over (where we got the landrail), and +the non-preserved part of the Hawbuck property: and one +evening in a stubble of Ponto's skirting the Carabas +woods, we got among some pheasants, and had some real +sport. I shot a hen, I know, greatly to my delight. +'Bag it,' says Ponto, in rather a hurried manner: 'here's +somebody coming.' So I pocketed the bird. + +'You infernal poaching thieves!' roars out a man from the +hedge in the garb of a gamekeeper. 'I wish I could catch +you on this side of the hedge. I'd put a brace of +barrels into you, that I would.' + +'Curse that Snapper,' says Ponto, moving off; 'he's +always watching me like a spy.' + +'Carry off the birds, you sneaks, and sell 'em in +London,' roars the individual, who it appears was a +keeper of Lord Carabas. 'You'll get six shillings a +brace for 'em.' + +'YOU know the price of 'em well enough, and so does your +master too, you scoundrel,' says Ponto, still retreating. + +'We kill 'em on our ground,' cries Mr. Snapper. 'WE +don't set traps for other people's birds. We're no decoy +ducks. We're no sneaking poachers. We don't shoot 'ens, +like that 'ere Cockney, who's got the tail of one a- +sticking out of his pocket. Only just come across the +hedge, that's all.' + +'I tell you what,' says Stripes, who was out with us as +keeper this day, (in fact he's keeper, coachman, +gardener, valet, and bailiff, with Tummus under him,) 'if +YOU'LL come across, John Snapper, and take your coat off, +I'll give you such a whopping as you've never had since +the last time I did it at Guttlebury Fair.' + +'Whop one of your own weight,' Mr. Snapper said, +whistling his dogs and disappearing into the wood. And +so we came out of this controversy rather victoriously; +but I began to alter my preconceived ideas of rural +felicity. + +Notes. + +(1) I have since heard that this aristocratic lady's +father was a livery-button maker in St. Martin's Lane: +where he met with misfortunes, and his daughter acquired +her taste for heraldry. But it may be told to her +credit, that out of her earnings she has kept the bed- +ridden old bankrupt in great comfort and secrecy at +Pentonville; and furnished her brother's outfit for the +Cadetship which her patron, Lord Swigglebiggle, gave her +when he was at the Board of Control. I have this +information from a friend. To hear Miss Wirt herself, +you would fancy that her Papa was a Rothschild, and that +the markets of Europe were convulsed when he went into +the GAZETTE. + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +ON SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +'Be hanged to your aristocrats!' Ponto said, in some +conversation we had regarding the family at Carabas, +between whom and the Evergreens there was a feud. 'When +I first came into the county--it was the year before Sir +John Buff contested in the Blue interest--the Marquis, +then Lord St. Michaels, who, of course, was Orange to the +core, paid me and Mrs. Ponto such attentions, that I +fairly confess I was taken in by the old humbug, and +thought that I'd met with a rare neighbour. 'Gad, Sir, +we used to get pines from Carabas, and pheasants from +Carabas, and it was--"Ponto, when will you come over and +shoot?"--and--"Ponto, our pheasants want thinning,"--and +my Lady would insist upon her dear Mrs. Ponto coming over +to Carabas to sleep, and put me I don't know to what +expense for turbans and velvet gowns for my wife's +toilette. Well, Sir, the election takes place, and +though I was always a Liberal, personal friendship of +course induces me to plump for St. Michaels, who comes in +at the head of the poll. Next year, Mrs. P. insists upon +going to town--with lodgings in Clarges Street at ten +pounds a week, with a hired brougham, and new dresses for +herself and the girls, and the deuce and all to pay. Our +first cards were to Carabas House; my Lady's are returned +by a great big flunkey; and I leave you to fancy my poor +Betsy's discomfiture as the lodging-house maid took in +the cards, and Lady St. Michaels drives away, though she +actually saw us at the drawing-room window. Would you +believe it, Sir, that though we called four times +afterwards, those infernal aristocrats never returned our +visit; that though Lady St. Michaels gave nine dinner- +parties and four DEJEUNERS that season, she never asked +us to one; and that she cut us dead at the Opera, though +Betsy was nodding to her the whole night? We wrote to +her for tickets for Almack's; she writes to say that all +hers were promised; and said, in the presence of Wiggins, +her lady's-maid, who told it to Diggs, my wife's woman, +that she couldn't conceive how people in our station of +life could so far forget themselves as to wish to appear +in any such place! Go to Castle Carabas! I'd sooner die +than set my foot in the house of that impertinent, +insolvent, insolent jackanapes-- and I hold him in +scorn!' After this, Ponto gave me some private +information regarding Lord Carabas's pecuniary affairs; +how he owed money all over the county; how Jukes the +carpenter was utterly ruined and couldn't get a shilling +of his bill; how Biggs the butcher hanged himself for the +same reason; how the six big footmen never received a +guinea of wages, and Snaffle, the state coachman, +actually took off his blown-glass wig of ceremony and +flung it at Lady Carabas's feet on the terrace before the +Castle; all which stories, as they are private, I do not +think proper to divulge. But these details did not +stifle my desire to see the famous mansion of Castle +Carabas, nay, possibly excited my interest to know more +about that lordly house and its owners. + +At the entrance of the park, there are a pair of great +gaunt mildewed lodges--mouldy Doric temples with black +chimney-pots, in the finest classic taste, and the gates +of course are surmounted by the CHATS BOTTES, the well- +known supporters of the Carabas family. 'Give the lodge- +keeper a shilling,' says Ponto, (who drove me near to it +in his four-wheeled cruelty-chaise). 'I warrant it's the +first piece of ready money he has received for some time. +I don't know whether there was any foundation for this +sneer, but the gratuity was received with a curtsey, and +the gate opened for me to enter. 'Poor old porteress!' +says I, inwardly. 'You little know that it is the +Historian of Snobs whom you let in!' The gates were +passed. A damp green stretch of park spread right and +left immeasurably, confined by a chilly grey wall, and a +damp long straight road between two huge rows of moist, +dismal lime-trees, leads up to the Castle. In the midst +of the park is a great black tank or lake, bristling over +with rushes, and here and there covered over with patches +of pea-soup. A shabby temple rises on an island in this +delectable lake, which is approached by a rotten barge +that lies at roost in a dilapidated boat house. Clumps +of elms and oaks dot over the huge green flat. Every one +of them would have been down long since, but that the +Marquis is not allowed to cut the timber. + +Up that long avenue the Snobographer walked in solitude. +At the seventy-ninth tree on the left-hand side, the +insolvent butcher hanged himself. I scarcely wondered at +the dismal deed, so woful and sad were the impressions +connected with the place. So, for a mile and a half I +walked--alone and thinking of death. + +I forgot to say the house is in full view all the way-- +except when intercepted by the trees on the miserable +island in the lake--an enormous red-brick mansion, +square, vast, and dingy. It is flanked by four stone +towers with weathercocks. In the midst of the grand +facade is a huge Ionic portico, approached by a vast, +lonely, ghastly staircase. Rows of black windows, framed +in stone, stretch on either side, right and left--three +storeys and eighteen windows of a row. You may see a +picture of the palace and staircase, in the 'Views of +England and Wales,' with four carved and gilt carriages +waiting at the gravel walk, and several parties of ladies +and gentlemen in wigs and hoops, dotting the fatiguing +lines of stairs. + +But these stairs are made in great houses for people NOT +to ascend. The first Lady Carabas (they are but eighty +years in the peerage), if she got out of her gilt coach +in a shower, would be wet to the skin before she got +half-way to the carved Ionic portico, where four dreary +statues of Peace, Plenty, Piety and Patriotism, are the +only sentinels. You enter these palaces by back-doors. +'That was the way the Carabases got their peerage,' the +misanthropic Ponto said after dinner. + +Well--I rang the bell at a little low side-door; it +clanged and jingled and echoed for a long, long while, +till at length a face, as of a housekeeper, peered +through the door, and, as she saw my hand in my waistcoat +pocket, opened it. Unhappy, lonely housekeeper, I +thought. Is Miss Crusoe in her island more solitary? +The door clapped to, and I was in Castle Carabas. + +'The side entrance and All,' says the housekeeper. 'The +halligator hover the mantelpiece was brought home by +Hadmiral St. Michaels, when a Capting with Lord Hanson. +The harms on the cheers is the harms of the Carabas +family.' The hall was rather comfortable. We went +clapping up a clean stone backstair, and then into a back +passage cheerfully decorated with ragged light-green +Kidderminster, and issued upon + +'THE GREAT ALL. + +'The great all is seventy-two feet in lenth, fifty-six in +breath, and thirty-eight feet 'igh. The carvings of the +chimlies, representing the buth of Venus, and Ercules, +and Eyelash, is by Van Chislum, the most famous sculpture +of his hage and country. The ceiling, by Calimanco, +represents Painting, Harchitecture and Music (the naked +female figure with the barrel horgan) introducing George, +fust Lord Carabas, to the Temple of the Muses. The +winder ornaments is by Vanderputty. The floor is +Patagonian marble; and the chandelier in the centre was +presented to Lionel, second Marquis, by Lewy the +Sixteenth, whose 'ead was cut hoff in the French +Revelation. We now henter + +THE SOUTH GALLERY. + +'One 'undred and forty-eight in lenth by thirty-two in +breath; it is profusely hornaminted by the choicest works +of Hart. Sir Andrew Katz, founder of the Carabas family +and banker of the Prince of Horange, Kneller. Her +present Ladyship, by Lawrence. Lord St. Michaels, by the +same--he is represented sittin' on a rock in velvit +pantaloons. Moses in the bullrushes--the bull very fine, +by Paul Potter. The toilet of Venus, Fantaski. Flemish +Bores drinking, Van Ginnums. Jupiter and Europia, de +Horn. The Grandjunction Canal, Venis, by Candleetty; and +Italian Bandix, by Slavata Rosa.'--And so this worthy +woman went on, from one room into another, from the blue +room to the green, and the green to the grand saloon, and +the grand saloon to the tapestry closet, cackling her +list of pictures and wonders: and furtively turning up a +corner of brown holland to show the colour of the old, +faded, seedy, mouldy, dismal hangings. + +At last we came to her Ladyship's bed-room. In the +centre of this dreary apartment there is a bed about the +size of one of those whizgig temples in which the Genius +appears in a pantomime. The huge gilt edifice is +approached by steps, and so tall, that it might be let +off in floors, for sleeping-rooms for all the Carabas +family. An awful bed! A murder might be done at one end +of that bed, and people sleeping at the other end be +ignorant of it. Gracious powers! fancy little Lord +Carabas in a nightcap ascending those steps after putting +out the candle! + +The sight of that seedy and solitary splendour was too +much for me. I should go mad were I that lonely +housekeeper--in those enormous galleries--in that lonely +library, filled up with ghastly folios that nobody dares +read, with an inkstand on the centre table like the +coffin of a baby, and sad portraits staring at you from +the bleak walls with their solemn Mouldy eyes. No wonder +that Carabas does not come down here often. + +It would require two thousand footmen to make the place +cheerful. No wonder the coachman resigned his wig, that +the masters are insolvent, and the servants perish in +this huge dreary out-at-elbow place. + +A single family has no more right to build itself a +temple of that sort than to erect a Tower of Babel. Such +a habitation is not decent for a mere mortal man. But, +after all, I suppose poor Carabas had no choice. Fate +put him there as it sent Napoleon to St. Helena. Suppose +it had been decreed by Nature that you and I should be +Marquises? We wouldn't refuse, I suppose, but take +Castle Carabas and all, with debts, duns, and mean +makeshifts, and shabby pride, and swindling magnificence. + +Next season, when I read of Lady Carabas's splendid +entertainments in the MORNING POST, and see the poor old +insolvent cantering through the Park--I shall have a much +tenderer interest in these great people than I have had +heretofore. Poor old shabby Snob! Ride on and fancy the +world is still on its knees before the house of Carabas! +Give yourself airs, poor old bankrupt Magnifico, who are +under money-obligations to your flunkeys; and must stoop +so as to swindle poor tradesmen! And for us, O my +brother Snobs, oughtn't we to feel happy if our walk +through life is more even, and that we are out of the +reach of that surprising arrogance and that astounding +meanness to which this wretched old victim is obliged to +mount and descend. + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +A VISIT TO SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +Notable as my reception had been (under that unfortunate +mistake of Mrs. Ponto that I was related to Lord +Snobbington, which I was not permitted to correct), it +was nothing compared to the bowing and kotooing, the +raptures and flurry which preceded and welcomed the visit +of a real live lord and lord's son, a brother officer of +Cornet Wellesley Ponto, in the 120th Hussars, who came +over with the young Cornet from Guttlebury, where their +distinguished regiment was quartered. This was my Lord +Gules, Lord Saltire's grandson and heir: a very young, +short, sandy-haired and tobacco-smoking nobleman, who +cannot have left the nursery very long, and who, though +he accepted the honest Major's invitation to the +Evergreens in a letter written in a school-boy +handwriting, with a number of faults of spelling, may yet +be a very fine classical scholar for what I know: having +had his education at Eton, where he and young Ponto were +inseparable. + +At any rate, if he can't write, he has mastered a number +of other accomplishments wonderful for one of his age and +size. He is one of the best shots and riders in England. +He rode his horse Abracadabra, and won the famous +Guttlebury steeple-chase. He has horses entered at half +the races in the country (under other people's names; for +the old lord is a strict hand, and will not hear of +betting or gambling). He has lost and won such sums of +money as my Lord George himself might be proud of. He +knows all the stables, and all the jockeys, and has all +the 'information,' and is a match for the best Leg at +Newmarket. Nobody was ever known to be 'too much' for +him at play or in the stable. + +Although his grandfather makes him a moderate allowance, +by the aid of POST-OBITS and convenient friends he can +live in a splendour becoming his rank. He has not +distinguished himself in the knocking down of policemen +much; he is not big enough for that. But, as a light- +weight, his skill is of the very highest order. At +billiards he is said to be first-rate. He drinks and +smokes as much as any two of the biggest officers in his +regiment. With such high talents, who can say how far he +may not go? He may take to politics as a DELASSEMENT, +and be Prime Minister after Lord George Bentinck. + +My young friend Wellesley Ponto is a gaunt and bony +youth, with a pale face profusely blotched. From his +continually pulling something on his chin, I am led to +fancy that he believes he has what is called an Imperial +growing there. That is not the only tuft that is hunted +in the family, by the way. He can't, of course, indulge +in those expensive amusements which render his +aristocratic comrade so respected: he bets pretty freely +when he is in cash, and rides when somebody mounts him +(for he can't afford more than his regulation chargers). +At drinking he is by no means inferior; and why do you +think he brought his noble friend, Lord Gules, to the +Evergreens?--Why? because he intended to ask his mother +to order his father to pay his debts, which she couldn't +refuse before such an exalted presence. Young Ponto gave +me all this information with the most engaging frankness. +We are old friends. I used to tip him when he was at +school. + +'Gad!': says he, 'our wedgment's so DOOTHID exthpenthif. +Must hunt, you know. A man couldn't live in the wedgment +if he didn't. Mess expenses enawmuth. Must dine at +mess. Must drink champagne and claret. Ours ain't a +port and sherry light-infantry mess. Uniform's awful. +Fitzstultz, our Colonel, will have 'em so. Must be a +distinction you know. At his own expense Fitzstultz +altered the plumes in the men's caps (you called them +shaving-brushes, Snob, my boy: most absurd and unjust +that attack of yours, by the way); that altewation alone +cotht him five hundred pound. The year befaw latht he +horthed the wegiment at an immenthe expenthe, and we're +called the Queen'th Own Pyebalds from that day. Ever +theen uth on pawade? The Empewar Nicolath burtht into +tearth of envy when he thaw uth at Windthor. And you +see,' continued my young friend, 'I brought Gules down +with me, as the Governor is very sulky about shelling +out, just to talk my mother over, who can do anything +with him. Gules told her that I was Fitzstultz's +favourite of the whole regiment; and, Gad! she thinks the +Horse Guards will give me my troop for nothing, and he +humbugged the Governor that I was the greatest screw in +the army. Ain't it a good dodge?' + +With this Wellesley left me to go and smoke a cigar in +the stables with Lord Gules, and make merry over the +cattle there, under Stripes's superintendence. Young +Ponto laughed with his friend, at the venerable four- +wheeled cruelty-chaise; but seemed amazed that the latter +should ridicule still more an ancient chariot of the +build of 1824, emblazoned immensely with the arme of the +Pontos and the Snaileys, from which latter distinguished +family Mrs. Ponto issued. + +I found poor Pon in his study among his boots, in such a +rueful attitude of despondency, that I could not but +remark it. 'Look at that!' says the poor fellow, handing +me over a document. 'It's the second change in uniform +since he's been in the army, and yet there's no +extravagance about the lad. Lord Gules tells me he is +the most careful youngster in the regiment, God bless +him! But look at that! by heaven, Snob, look at that and +say how can a man of nine hundred keep out of the Bench?' +He gave a sob as he handed me the paper across the table; +and his old face, and his old corduroys, and his shrunk +shooting-jacket, and his lean shanks, looked, as he +spoke, more miserably haggard, bankrupt, and threadbare. + +LIEUT. WELLESLEY PONTO, 120TH QUEEN'S OWN PYEBALD +HUSSARS, +TO KNOPF AND STECKNADEL, +CONDUIT STREET, LONDON. + L. s. d +Dress Jacket, richly laced with gold . 35 0 0 +Ditto Pelisse ditto, and trimmed with sable . . 60 0 0 +Undress Jacket, trimmed with gold 15 15 0 +Ditto Pelisse . . 30 0 0 +Dress Pantaloons 12 0 0 +Ditto Overalls, gold lace on sides. 6 6 0 +Undress ditto ditto. 5 5 0 +Blue Braided Frock 14 14 0 +Forage Cap . . 3 3 0 +Dress Cap, gold lines, plume and chain . . . 25 0 0 +Gold Barrelled Sash 11 18 0 +Sword . . 11 11 0 +Ditto Belt and Sabretache .. 16 16 0 +Pouch and Belt. 15 15 0 +SwordKnot .. 1 4 0 +Cloak . .. 13 13 0 +Valise . .. 3 13 6 +Regulation Saddle . 7 17 6 +Ditto Bridle, complete . .. 10 10 0 +A Dress Housing, complete .. 30 0 0 +A pair of Pistols. 10 10 0 +A Black Sheepskin, edged. . . 6 18 0 +Total L347 9 0 + +That evening Mrs. Ponto and her family made their darling +Wellesley give a full, true, and particular account of +everything that had taken place at Lord Fitzstultz's; how +many servants waited at dinner; and how the Ladies +Schneider dressed; and what his Royal Highness said when +he came down to shoot; and who was there? "What a +blessing that boy is to me!" said she, as my pimple-faced +young friend moved off to resume smoking operations with +Gules in the now vacant kitchen ;--and poor Ponto's +dreary and desperate look, shall I ever forget that? + +O you parents and guardians! O you men and women of +sense in England! O you legislators about to assemble in +Parliament! read over that tailor's bill above printed, +read over that absurd catalogue of insane gimcracks and +madman's tomfoolery--and say how are you ever to get rid +of Snobbishness when society does so much for its +education? + +Three hundred and forty pounds for a young chap's saddle +and breeches! Before George, I would rather be a +Hottentot or a Highlander. We laugh at poor Jocko, the +monkey, dancing in uniform; or at poor Jeames, the +flunkey, with his quivering calves and plush tights; or +at the nigger Marquis of Marmalade, dressed out with +sabre and epaulets, and giving himself the airs of a +field-marshal. Lo! is not one of the Queen's Pyebalds, +in full fig, as great and foolish a monster? + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +ON SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +At last came that fortunate day at the Evergreens, when I +was to be made acquainted with some of the 'county +families' with whom only people of Ponto's rank +condescended to associate. And now, although poor Ponto +had just been so cruelly made to bleed on occasion of his +son's new uniform, and though he was in the direst and +most cut-throat spirits with an overdrawn account at the +banker's, and other pressing evils of poverty; although a +tenpenny bottle of Marsala and an awful parsimony +presided generally at his table, yet the poor fellow was +obliged to assume the most frank and jovial air of +cordiality; and all the covers being removed from the +hangings, and new dresses being procured for the young +ladies, and the family plate being unlocked and +displayed, the house and all within assumed a benevolent +and festive appearance. The kitchen fires began to +blaze, the good wine ascended from the cellar, a +professed cook actually came over from Guttlebury to +compile culinary abominations. Stripes was in a new +coat, and so was Ponto, for a wonder, and Tummus's +button-suit was worn EN PERMANENCE. + +And all this to show off the little lord, thinks I. All +this in honour of a stupid little cigarrified Cornet of +dragoons, who can barely write his name,--while an +eminent and profound moralist like--somebody--is fobbed +off with cold mutton and relays of pig. Well, well: a +martyrdom of cold mutton is just bearable. I pardon Mrs. +Ponto, from my heart I do, especially as I wouldn't turn +out of the best bed-room, in spite of all her hints; but +held my ground in the chintz tester, vowing that Lord +Gules, as a young man, was quite small and hardy enough +to make himself comfortable elsewhere. + +The great Ponto party was a very august one. The +Hawbucks came in their family coach, with the blood-red +band emblazoned all over it: and their man in yellow +livery waited in country fashion at table, only to be +exceeded in splendour by the Hipsleys, the opposition +baronet, in light blue. The old Ladies Fitzague drove +over in their little old chariot with the fat black +horses, the fat coachman, the fat footman--(why are +dowagers' horses and footmen always fat?) And soon after +these personages had arrived, with their auburn fronts +and red beaks and turbans, came the Honourable and +Reverend Lionel Pettipois, who with General and Mrs. Sago +formed the rest of the party. 'Lord and Lady Frederick +Howlet were asked, but they have friends at Ivybush,' +Mrs. Ponto told me; and that very morning, the +Castlehaggards sent an excuse, as her ladyship had a +return of the quinsy. Between ourselves, Lady +Castlehaggard's quinsy always comes on when there is +dinner at the Evergreens. + +If the keeping of polite company could make a woman +happy, surely my kind hostess Mrs. Ponto was on that day +a happy woman. Every person present (except the unlucky +impostor who pretended to a connexion with the +Snobbington Family, and General Sago, who had brought +home I don't know how many lacs of rupees from India,) +was related to the Peerage or the Baronetage. Mrs. P. +had her heart's desire. If she had been an Earl's +daughter herself could she have expected better company?- +-and her family were in the oil-trade at Bristol, as all +her friends very well know. + +What I complained of in my heart was not the dining-- +which, for this once, was plentiful and comfortable +enough--but the prodigious dulness of the talking part of +the entertainment. O my beloved brother Snobs of the +City, if we love each other no better than our country +brethren, at least we amuse each other more; if we bore +ourselves, we are not called upon to go ten miles to do +it! + +For instance, the Hipsleys came ten miles from the south, +and the Hawbucks ten miles from the north, of the +Evergreens; and were magnates in two different divisions +of the county of Mangelwurzelshire. Hipsley, who is an +old baronet, with a bothered estate, did not care to show +his contempt for Hawbuck, who is a new creation, and +rich. Hawbuck, on his part, gives himself patronizing +airs to General Sago, who looks upon the Pontos as little +better than paupers. 'Old Lady Blanche,' says Ponto, 'I +hope will leave something to her god-daughter--my second +girl--we've all of us half-poisoned ourselves with taking +her physic.' + +Lady Blanche and Lady Rose Fitzague have, the first, a +medical, and the second a literary turn. I am inclined +to believe the former had a wet COMPRESSE around her +body, on the occasion when I had the happiness of meeting +her. She doctors everybody in the neighbourhood of which +she is the ornament; and has tried everything on her own +person. She went into Court, and testified publicly her +faith in St. John Long: she swore by Doctor Buchan, she +took quantities of Gambouge's Universal Medicine, and +whole boxfuls of Parr's Life Pills. She has cured a +multiplicity of headaches by Squinstone's Eye-snuff; she +wears a picture of Hahnemann in her bracelet and a lock +of Priessnitz's hair in a brooch. She talked about her +own complaints and those of her CONFIDANTE for the time +being, to every lady in the room successively, from our +hostess down to Miss Wirt, taking them into corners, and +whispering about bronchitis, hepatitis, St. Vitus, +neuralgia, cephalalgia, and so forth. I observed poor +fat Lady Hawbuck in a dreadful alarm after some +communication regarding the state of her daughter Miss +Lucy Hawbuck's health, and Mrs. Sago turned quite yellow, +and put down her third glass of Madeira, at a warning +glance from Lady Blanche. + +Lady Rose talked literature, and about the book-club at +Guttlebury, and is very strong in voyages and travels. +She has a prodigious interest in Borneo, and displayed a +knowledge of the history of the Punjaub and Kaffirland +that does credit to her memory. Old General Sago, who +sat perfectly silent and plethoric, roused up as from a +lethargy when the former country was mentioned, and gave +the company his story about a hog-hunt at Ramjugger. I +observed her ladyship treated with something like +contempt her neighbour the Reverend Lionel Pettipois, a +young divine whom you may track through the country by +little 'awakening' books at half-a-crown a hundred, which +dribble out of his pockets wherever he goes. I saw him +give Miss Wirt a sheaf of 'The Little Washer-woman on +Putney Common,' and to Miss Hawbuck a couple of dozen of +'Meat in the Tray; or the Young Butcher-boy Rescued;' and +on paying a visit to Guttlebury gaol, I saw two notorious +fellows waiting their trial there (and temporarily +occupied with a game of cribbage), to whom his Reverence +offered a tract as he was walking over Crackshins Common, +and who robbed him of his purse, umbrella, and cambric +handkerchief, leaving him the tracts to distribute +elsewhere. + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + +A VISIT TO SOME COUNTRY SNOBS + +'Why, dear Mr. Snob,' said a young lady of rank and +fashion (to whom I present my best compliments), 'if you +found everything so SNOBBISH at the Evergreens, if the +pig bored you and the mutton was not to your liking, and +Mrs. Ponto was a humbug, and Miss Wirt a nuisance, with +her abominable piano practice,--why did you stay so +long?' + +Ah, Miss, what a question! Have you never heard of +gallant British soldiers storming batteries, of doctors +passing nights in plague wards of lazarettos, and other +instances of martyrdom? What do you suppose induced +gentlemen to walk two miles up to the batteries of +Sabroan, with a hundred and fifty thundering guns bowling +them down by hundreds?--not pleasure, surely. What +causes your respected father to quit his comfortable home +for his chambers, after dinner, and pore over the most +dreary law papers until long past midnight?, +Mademoiselle; duty, which must be done alike by military, +or legal, or literary gents. There's a power of +martyrdom in our profession. + +You won't believe it? Your rosy lips assume a smile of +incredulity--a most naughty and odious expression in a +young lady's face. Well, then, the fact is, that my +chambers, No. 24, Pump Court, Temple, were being painted +by the Honourable Society, and Mrs. Slamkin, my +laundress, having occasion to go into Durham to see her +daughter, who is married, and has presented her with the +sweetest little grandson--a few weeks could not be better +spent than in rusticating. But ah, how delightful Pump +Court looked when I revisited its well-known chimney- +pots! CARI LUOGHI. Welcome, welcome, O fog and smut! + +But if you think there is no moral in the foregoing +account of the Pontine family, you are, Madam, most +painfully mistaken. In this very chapter we are going to +have the moral--why, the whole of the papers are nothing +BUT the moral, setting forth as they do the folly of +being a Snob. + +You will remark that in the Country Snobography my poor +friend Ponto has been held up almost exclusively for the +public gaze--and why? Because we went to no other house? +Because other families did not welcome us to their +mahogany? No, no. Sir John Hawbuck of the Haws, Sir +John Hipsley of Briary Hall, don't shut the gates of +hospitality: of General Sago's mulligatawny I could speak +from experience. And the two old ladies at Guttlebury, +were they nothing? Do you suppose that an agreeable +young dog, who shall be nameless, would not be made +welcome? Don't you know that people are too glad to see +ANYBODY in the country? + +But those dignified personages do not enter into the +scheme of the present work, and are but minor characters +of our Snob drama; just as, in the play, kings and +emperors are not half so important as many humble +persons. The DOGE OF VENICE, for instance, gives way to +OTHELLO, who is but a nigger; and the KING OF FRANCE to +FALCONBRIDGE, who is a gentleman of positively no birth +at all. So with the exalted characters above mentioned. +I perfectly well recollect that the claret at Hawbuck's +was not by any means so good as that of Hipsley's, while, +on the contrary, some white hermitage at the Haws (by the +way, the butler only gave me half a glass each time) was +supernacular. And I remember the conversations. O +Madam, Madam, how stupid they were! The subsoil +ploughing; the pheasants and poaching; the row about the +representation of the county; the Earl of +Mangelwurzelshire being at variance with his relative and +nominee, the Honourable Marmaduke Tomnoddy; all these I +could put down, had I a mind to violate the confidence of +private life; and a great deal of conversation about the +weather, the Mangelwurzelshire Hunt, new manures, and +eating and drinking, of course. + +But CUI BONO? In these perfectly stupid and honourable +families there is not that Snobbishness which it is our +purpose to expose. An ox is an ox--a great hulking, fat- +sided, bellowing, munching Beef. He ruminates according +to his nature, and consumes his destined portion of +turnips or oilcake, until the time comes for his +disappearance from the pastures, to be succeeded by other +deep-lunged and fat-ribbed animals. Perhaps we do not +respect an ox. We rather acquiesce in him. The Snob, my +dear Madam, is the Frog that tries to swell himself to ox +size. Let us pelt the silly brute out of his folly. + +Look, I pray you, at the case of my unfortunate friend +Ponto, a good-natured, kindly English gentleman--not +over-wise, but quite passable--fond of port-wine, of his +family, of country sports and agriculture, hospitably +minded, with as pretty a little patrimonial country-house +as heart can desire, and a thousand pounds a year. It is +not much; but, ENTRE NOUS, people can live for less, and +not uncomfortably. + +For instance, there is the doctor, whom Mrs. P. does not +condescend to visit: that man educates a mirific family, +and is loved by the poor for miles round: and gives them +port-wine for physic and medicine, gratis. And how those +people can get on with their pittance, as Mrs. Ponto +says, is a wonder to HER. + +Again, there is the clergyman, Doctor Chrysostom, --Mrs. +P. says they quarrelled about Puseyism, but I am given to +understand it was because Mrs. C. had the PAS of her at +the Haws--you may see what the value of his living is any +day in the 'Clerical Guide;' but you don't know what he +gives away. + +Even Pettipois allows that, in whose eyes the Doctor's +surplice is a scarlet abomination; and so does Pettipois +do his duty in his way, and administer not only his +tracts and his talk, but his money and his means to his +people. As a lord's son, by the way, Mrs. Ponto is +uncommonly anxious that he should marry EITHER of the +girls whom Lord Gules does not intend to choose. + +Well, although Pon's income would make up almost as much +as that of these three worthies put together-- oh, my +dear Madam, see in what hopeless penury the poor fellow +lives! What tenant can look to HIS forbearance? What +poor man can hope for HIS charity? 'Master's the best of +men,' honest Stripes says, 'and when we was in the +ridgment a more free-handed chap didn't live. But the +way in which Missus DU scryou, I wonder the young ladies +is alive, that I du!' + +They live upon a fine governess and fine masters, and +have clothes made by Lady Carabas's own milliner; and +their brother rides with earls to cover; and only the +best people in the county visit at the Evergreens, and +Mrs. Ponto thinks herself a paragon of wives and mothers, +and a wonder of the world, for doing all this misery and +humbug, and snobbishness, on a thousand a year. + +What an inexpressible comfort it was, my dear Madam, when +Stripes put my portmanteau in the four-wheeled chaise, +and (poor P on being touched with sciatica) drove me over +to 'Carabas Arms' at Guttlebury, where we took leave. +There were some bagmen there in the Commercial Room, and +one talked about the house he represented; and another +about his dinner, and a third about the Inns on the road, +and so forth--a talk, not very wise, but honest and to +the purpose--about as good as that of the country +gentlemen: and oh, how much pleasanter than listening to +Miss Wirt's show-pieces on the piano, and Mrs. Ponto's +genteel cackle about the fashion and the county families! + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + +SNOBBIUM GATHERUM + +WHEN I see the great effect which these papers are +producing on an intelligent public, I have a strong hope +that before long we shall have a regular Snob department +in the newspapers, just as we have the Police Courts and +the Court News at present. When a flagrant case of bone- +crushing or Poor-law abuse occurs in the world, who so +eloquent as THE TIMES to point it out? When a gross +instance of Snobbishness happens, why should not the +indignant journalist call the public attention to that +delinquency too? + +How, for instance, could that wonderful case of the Earl +of Mangelwurzel and his brother be examined in the +Snobbish point of view? Let alone the hectoring, the +bullying, the vapouring, the bad grammar, the mutual +recriminations, lie-givings, challenges, retractations, +which abound in the fraternal dispute--put out of the +question these points as concerning the individual +nobleman and his relative, with whose personal affairs we +have nothing to do--and consider how intimately corrupt, +how habitually grovelling and mean, how entirely Snobbish +in a word, a whole county must be which can find no +better chiefs or leaders than these two gentlemen. 'We +don't want,' the great county of Mangelwurzelshire seems +to say, 'that a man should be able to write good grammar; +or that he should keep a Christian tongue in his head; or +that he should have the commonest decency of temper, or +even a fair share of good sense, in order to represent us +in Parliament. + +All we require is, that a man should be recommended to us +by the Earl of Mangelwurzelshire. And all that we +require of the Earl of Mangelwurzelshire is that he +should have fifty thousand a year and hunt the country.' +O you pride of all Snobland! O you crawling, truckling, +self-confessed lackeys and parasites! + +But this is growing too savage: don't let us forget our +usual amenity, and that tone of playfulness and sentiment +with which the beloved reader and writer have pursued +their mutual reflections hitherto. Well, Snobbishness +pervades the little Social Farce as well as the great +State Comedy; and the self-same moral is tacked to +either. + +There was, for instance, an account in the papers of a +young lady who, misled by a fortune-teller, actually went +part of the way to India (as far as Bagnigge Wells, I +think,) in search of a husband who was promised her +there. Do you suppose this poor deluded little soul +would have left her shop for a man below her in rank, or +for anything but a darling of a Captain in epaulets and a +red coat. It was her Snobbish sentiment that misled her, +and made her vanities a prey to the swindling fortune- +teller. + +Case 2 was that of Mademoiselle de Saugrenue, 'the +interesting young Frenchwoman with a profusion of jetty +ringlets,' who lived for nothing at a boardinghouse at +Gosport, was then conveyed to Fareham gratis: and being +there, and lying on the bed of the good old lady her +entertainer, the dear girl took occasion to rip open the +mattress, and steal a cash-box, with which she fled to +London. How would you account for the prodigious +benevolence exercised towards the interesting young +French lady? Was it her jetty ringlets or her charming +face?--Bah! Do ladies love others for having faces and +black hair?--she said SHE WAS A RELATION OF de Saugrenue: +talked of her ladyship her aunt, and of herself as a De +Saugrenue. The honest boarding-house people were at her +feet at once. Good, honest, simple, lord-loving children +of Snobland. + +Finally, there was the case of 'the Right Honourable Mr. +Vernon,' at York. The Right Honourable was the son of a +nobleman, and practised on an old lady. He procured from +her dinners, money, wearing-apparel, spoons, implicit +credence, and an entire refit of linen. Then he cast his +nets over a family of father, mother, and daughters, one +of whom he proposed to marry. The father lent him money, +the mother made jams and pickles for him, the daughters +vied with each other in cooking dinners for the Right +Honourable--and what was the end? One day the traitor +fled, with a teapot and a basketful of cold victuals. It +was the 'Right Honourable' which baited the hook which +gorged all these greedy, simple Snobs. Would they have +been taken in by a commoner? What old lady is there, my +dear sir, who would take in you and me, were we ever so +ill to do, and comfort us, and clothe us, and give us her +money, and her silver forks? Alas and alas! what mortal +man that speaks the truth can hope for such a landlady? +And yet, all these instances of fond and credulous +Snobbishness have occurred in the same week's paper, with +who knows how many score more? + +Just as we had concluded the above remarks comes a pretty +little note sealed with a pretty little butterfly-- +bearing a northern postmark--and to the following +effect:- + +'19th November. + +'Mr. Punch,--'Taking great interest in your Snob Papers, +we are very anxious to know under what class of that +respectable fraternity you would designate us. + +'We are three sisters, from seventeen to twenty-two. Our +father is HONESTLY AND TRULY of a very good family (you +will say it is Snobbish to mention that, but I wish to +state the plain fact); our maternal grandfather was an +Earl.' (1) + +'We CAN afford to take in a stamped edition of YOU, and +all Dickens' works as fast as they come out, but we do +NOT keep such a thing as a PEERAGE or even a BARONETAGE +in the house. + +'We live with every comfort, excellent cellar, &c. &c.; +but as we cannot well afford a butler, we have a neat +table-maid (though our father was a military man, has +travelled much, been in the best society, &c.) We HAVE a +coachman and helper, but we don't put the latter into +buttons, nor make them wait at table, like Stripes and +Tummus.' (2) + +'We are just the same to persons with a handle to their +name as to those without it. We wear a moderate modicum +of crinoline, (3)and are never limp (4) in the morning. +We have good and abundant dinners on CHINA (though we +have plate (5), and just as good when alone as with +company. + +'Now, my dear MR. PUNCH, will you PLEASE give us a short +answer in your next number, and I will be SO much obliged +to you. Nobody knows we are writing to you, not even our +father; nor will we ever tease (6) you again if you will +only give us an answer--just for FUN, now do! + +'If you get as far as this, which is doubtful, you will +probably fling it into the fire. If you do, I cannot +help it; but I am of a sanguine disposition, and +entertain a lingering hope. At all events, I shall be +impatient for next Sunday, for you reach us on that day, +and I am ashamed to confess, we CANNOT resist opening you +in the carriage driving home from church. (7) + +'I remain, &c. &c., for myself and sisters. + +Excuse this scrawl, but I always write headlong. (8) + +'P. S.--You were rather stupid last week, don't you +think? (9) We keep no gamekeeper, and yet have always +abundant game for friends to shoot, in spite of the +poachers. We never write on perfumed paper--in short, I +can't help thinking that if you knew us you would not +think us Snobs.' + +To this I reply in the following manner:--'My dear young +ladies, I know your post-town: and shall be at church +there the Sunday AFTER next; when, will you please to +wear a tulip or some little trifle in your bonnets, so +that I may know you? You will recognize me and my dress- +-a quiet-looking young fellow, in a white top-coat, a +crimson satin neckcloth, light blue trousers, with glossy +tipped boots, and an emerald breast-pin. I shall have a +black crape round my white hat; and my usual bamboo cane +with the richly-gilt knob. I am sorry there will be no +time to get up moustaches between now and next week. + +'From seventeen to two-and-twenty! Ye gods! what ages! +Dear young creatures, I can see you all three. Seventeen +suits me, as nearest my own time of life; but mind, I +don't say two-and-twenty is too old. No, no. And that +pretty, roguish, demure, middle one. Peace, peace, thou +silly little fluttering heart! + +'YOU Snobs, dear young ladies! I will pull any man's +nose who says so. There is no harm in being of a good +family. You can't help it, poor dears. What's in a +name? What is in a handle to it? I confess openly that +I should not object to being a Duke myself; and between +ourselves you might see a worse leg for a garter. + +'YOU Snobs, dear little good-natured things, no that is, +I hope not--I think not--I won't be too confident--none +of us should be--that we are not Snobs. That very +confidence savours of arrogance, and to be arrogant is to +be a Snob. In all the social gradations from sneak to +tyrant, nature has placed a most wondrous and various +progeny of Snobs. But are there no kindly natures, no +tender hearts, no souls humble, simple, and truth-loving? +Ponder well on this question, sweet young ladies. And if +you can answer it, as no doubt you can--lucky are you-- +and lucky the respected Herr Papa, and lucky the three +handsome young gentlemen who are about to become each +others' brothers-in-law.' + + +(1) The introduction of Grandpapa, is I fear, Snobbish. + +(2) That is, as you like. I don't object to buttons in +moderation. + +(3) Quite right. + +(4) Bless you! + +(5) Snobbish; and I doubt whether you ought to dine as +well alone as with company. You will be getting too good +dinners. + +(6) We like to be teased; but tell Papa. + +(7) O garters and stars! what will Captain Gordon and +Exeter Hall say to this? + +(8) Dear little enthusiast! + +(9) You were never more mistaken, miss, in your life. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +SNOBS AND MARRIAGE + +Everybody of the middle rank who walks through this life +with a sympathy for his companions on the same journey-- +at any rate, every man who has been jostling in the world +for some three or four lustres--must make no end of +melancholy reflections upon the fate of those victims +whom Society, that is, Snobbishness, is immolating every +day. With love and simplicity and natural kindness +Snobbishness is perpetually at war. People dare not be +happy for fear of Snobs. People dare not love for fear +of Snobs. People pine away lonely under the tyranny of +Snobs. Honest kindly hearts dry up and die. Gallant +generous lads, blooming with hearty youth, swell into +bloated old-bachelorhood, and burst and tumble over. +Tender girls wither into shrunken decay, and perish +solitary, from whom Snobbishness has cut off the common +claim to happiness and affection with which Nature +endowed us all. My heart grows sad as I see the +blundering tyrant's handiwork. As I behold it I swell +with cheap rage, and glow with fury against the Snob. +Come down, I say, thou skulking dulness! Come down, thou +stupid bully, and give up thy brutal ghost! And I arm +myself with the sword and spear, and taking leave of my +family, go forth to do battle with that hideous ogre and +giant, that brutal despot in Snob Castle, who holds so +many gentle hearts in torture and thrall. + +When PUNCH is king, I declare there shall be no such +thing as old maids and old bachelors. The Reverend Mr. +Malthus shall be burned annually, instead of Guy Fawkes. +Those who don't marry shall go into the workhouse. It +shall be a sin for the poorest not to have a pretty girl +to love him. + +The above reflections came to mind after taking a walk +with an old comrade, Jack Spiggot by name, who is just +passing into the state of old-bachelorhood, after the +manly and blooming youth in which I remember him. Jack +was one of the handsomest fellows in England when we +entered together in the Highland Buffs; but I quitted the +Cuttykilts early, and lost sight of him for many years. + +Ah! how changed he is from those days! He wears a +waistband now, and has begun to dye his whiskers. His +cheeks, which were red, are now mottled; his eyes, once +so bright and steadfast, are the colour of peeled +plovers' eggs. + +'Are you married, Jack?' says I, remembering how +consumedly in love he was with his cousin Letty Lovelace, +when the Cuttykilts were quartered at Strathbungo some +twenty years ago. + +'Married? no,' says he. 'Not money enough. Hard enough +to keep myself, much more a family, on five hundred a +year. Come to Dickinson's; there's some of the best +Madeira in London there, my boy.' So we went and talked +over old times. The bill for dinner and wine consumed +was prodigious, and the quantity of brandy-and-water that +Jack took showed what a regular boozer he was. 'A guinea +or two guineas. What the devil do I care what I spend +for my dinner?' says he. + +'And Letty Lovelace?' says I. + +Jack's countenance fell. However, he burst into a loud +laugh presently. 'Letty Lovelace!' says he. 'She's +Letty Lovelace still; but Gad, such a wizened old woman! +She's as thin as a thread-paper; (you remember what a +figure she had:) her nose has got red, and her teeth +blue. She's always ill; always quarrelling with the rest +of the family; always psalm-singing, and always taking +pills. Gad, I had a rare escape THERE. Push round the +grog, old boy.' + +Straightway memory went back to the days when Letty was +the loveliest of blooming young creatures: when to hear +her sing was to make the heart jump into your throat; +when to see her dance, was better than Montessu or Noblet +(they were the Ballet Queens of those days); when Jack +used to wear a locket of her hair, with a little gold +chain round his neck, and, exhilarated with toddy, after +a sederunt of the Cuttykilt mess, used to pull out this +token, and kiss it, and howl about it, to the great +amusement of the bottle-nosed old Major and the rest of +the table. + +'My father and hers couldn't put their horses together,' +Jack said. 'The General wouldn't come down with more +than six thousand. My governor said it shouldn't be done +under eight. Lovelace told him to go and be hanged, and +so we parted company. They said she was in a decline. +Gammon! She's forty, and as tough and as sour as this +bit of lemon-peel. Don't put much into your punch, Snob +my boy. No man CAN stand punch after wine.' + +'And what are your pursuits, Jack?' says I. + +'Sold out when the governor died. Mother lives at Bath. +Go down there once a year for a week. Dreadful slow. +Shilling whist. Four sisters --all unmarried except the +youngest--awful work. Scotland in August. Italy in the +winter. Cursed rheumatism. Come to London in March, and +toddle about at the Club, old boy; and we won't go home +till maw-aw-rning till daylight does appear. + +'And here's the wreck of two lives!' mused the present +Snobographer, after taking leave of Jack Spiggot. +'Pretty merry Letty Lovelace's rudder lost and she cast +away, and handsome Jack Spiggot stranded on the shore +like a drunken Trinculo.' + +What was it that insulted Nature (to use no higher name), +and perverted her kindly intentions towards them? What +cursed frost was it that nipped the love that both were +bearing, and condemned the girl to sour sterility, and +the lad to selfish old-bachelorhood? It was the infernal +Snob tyrant who governs us all, who +says, 'Thou shalt not love without a lady's maid; thou +shalt not marry without a carriage and horses; thou shalt +have no wife in thy heart, and no children on thy knee, +without a page in buttons and a French BONNE; thou shalt +go to the devil unless thou hast a brougham; marry poor, +and society shall forsake thee; thy kinsmen shall avoid +thee as a criminal; thy aunts and uncles shall turn up +their eyes and bemoan the sad, sad manner in which Tom or +Harry has thrown himself away.' You, young woman, may +sell yourself without shame, and marry old Croesus; you, +young man, may lie away your heart and your life for a +jointure. But if 'you are poor, woe be to you! Society, +the brutal Snob autocrat, consigns you to solitary +perdition. Wither, poor girl, in your garret; rot, poor +bachelor, in your Club. + +When I see those graceless recluses--those unnatural +monks and nuns of the order of St. Beelzebub, (1) my +hatred for Snobs, and their worship, and their idols, +passes all continence. Let us hew down that man-eating +Juggernaut, I say, that hideous Dagon; and I glow with +the heroic courage of Tom Thumb, and join battle with the +giant Snob. + +(1) This, of course, is understood to apply only to those +unmarried persons whom a mean and Snobbish fear about +money has kept from fulfilling their natural destiny. +Many persons there are devoted to celibacy because they +cannot help it. Of these a man would be a brute who +spoke roughly. Indeed, after Miss O'Toole's conduct to +the writer, he would be the last to condemn. But never +mind, these are personal matters. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +SNOBS AND MARRIAGE + +In that noble romance called 'Ten Thousand a Year,' I +remember a profoundly pathetic description of the +Christian manner in which the hero, Mr. Aubrey, bore his +misfortunes. After making a display of the most florid +and grandiloquent resignation, and quitting his country +mansion, the writer supposes Aubrey to come to town in a +post-chaise and pair, sitting bodkin probably between his +wife and sister. It is about seven o'clock, carriages +are rattling about, knockers are thundering, and tears +bedim the fine eyes of Kate and Mrs. Aubrey as they think +that in happier times at this hour--their Aubrey used +formerly to go out to dinner to the houses of the +aristocracy his friends. This is the gist of the +passage--the elegant words I forget. But the noble, +noble sentiment I shall always cherish and remember. +What can be more sublime than the notion of a great man's +relatives in tears about ---his dinner? With a few +touches, what author ever more happily described A Snob? + +We were reading the passage lately at the house of my +friend, Raymond Gray, Esquire, Barrister-at-Law, an +ingenuous youth without the least practice, but who has +luckily a great share of good spirits, which enables him +to bide his time, and bear laughingly his humble position +in the world. Meanwhile, until it is altered, the stern +laws of necessity and the expenses of the Northern +Circuit oblige Mr. Gray to live in a very tiny mansion in +a very queer small square in the airy neighbourhood of +Gray's Inn Lane. + +What is the more remarkable is, that Gray has a wife +there. Mrs. Gray was a Miss Harley Baker: and I suppose +I need not say THAT is a respectable family. Allied to +the Cavendishes, the Oxfords, the Marrybones, they still, +though rather DECHUS from their original splendour, hold +their heads as high as any. Mrs. Harley Baker, I know, +never goes to church without John behind to carry her +prayer-book; nor will Miss Welbeck, her sister, walk +twenty yards a-shopping without the protection of Figby, +her sugar-loaf page; though the old lady is as ugly as +any woman in the parish and as tall and whiskery as a +grenadier. The astonishment is, how Emily Harley Baker +could have stooped to marry Raymond Gray. She, who was +the prettiest and proudest of the family; she, who +refused Sir Cockle Byles, of the Bengal Service; she, who +turned up her little nose at Essex Temple, Q.C., and +connected with the noble house of Albyn; she, who had but +4,000L. POUR TOUT POTAGE, to marry a man who had scarcely +as much more. A scream of wrath and indignation was +uttered by the whole family when they heard of this +MESALLIANCE. Mrs. Harley Baker never speaks of her +daughter now but with tears in her eyes, and as a ruined +creature. Miss Welbeck says, 'I consider that man a +villain;' and has denounced poor good-natured Mrs. +Perkins as a swindler, at whose ball the young people met +for the first time. + +Mr. and Mrs. Gray, meanwhile, live in Gray's Inn Lane +aforesaid, with a maid-servant and a nurse, whose hands +are very full, and in a most provoking and unnatural +state of happiness. They have never once thought of +crying about their dinner, like the wretchedly puling and +Snobbish womankind of my favourite Snob Aubrey, of 'Ten +Thousand a Year;' but, on the contrary, accept such +humble victuals as fate awards them with a most perfect +and thankful good grace--nay, actually have a portion for +a hungry friend at times--as the present writer can +gratefully testify. + +I was mentioning these dinners, and some admirable lemon +puddings which Mrs. Gray makes, to our mutual friend the +great Mr. Goldmore, the East India Director, when that +gentleman's face assumed an expression of almost +apoplectic terror, and he gasped out, 'What! Do they +give dinners?' He seemed to think it a crime and a +wonder that such people should dine at all, and that it +was their custom to huddle round their kitchen-fire over +a bone and a crust. Whenever he meets them in society, +it is a matter of wonder to him (and he always expresses +his surprise very loud) how the lady can appear decently +dressed, and the man have an unpatched coat to his back. +I have heard him enlarge upon this poverty before the +whole room at the 'Conflagrative Club,' to which he and I +and Gray have the honour to belong. + +We meet at the Club on most days. At half-past four, +Goldmore arrives in St. James's Street, from the City, +and you may see him reading the evening papers in the +bow-window of the Club, which enfilades Pall Mall--a +large plethoric man, with a bunch of seals in a large +bow-windowed light waistcoat. He has large coat-tails, +stuffed with agents' letters and papers about companies +of which he is a Director. His seals jingle as he walks. +I wish I had such a man for an uncle, and that he himself +were childless. I would love and cherish him, and be +kind to him. + +At six o'clock in the full season, when all the world is +in St. James's Street, and the carriages are cutting in +and out among the cabs on the stand, and the tufted +dandies are showing their listless faces out of +'White's,' and you see respectable grey-headed gentlemen +waggling their heads to each other through the plate- +glass windows of 'Arthur's:' and the red-coats wish to be +Briareian, so as to hold all the gentlemen's horses; and +that wonderful red-coated royal porter is sunning himself +before Marlborough House;--at the noon of London time, +you see a light-yellow carriage with black horses, and a +coachman in a tight floss-silk wig, and two footmen in +powder and white and yellow liveries, and a large woman +inside in shot-silk, a poodle, and a pink parasol, which +drives up to the gate of the Conflagrative, and the page +goes and says to Mr. Goldmore (who is perfectly aware of +the fact, as he is looking out of the windows with about +forty other +'Conflagrative' bucks), 'Your carriage, Sir.' G. wags +his head. 'Remember, eight o'clock precisely,' says he +to Mulligatawney, the other East India Director; and, +ascending the carriage, plumps down by the side of Mrs. +Goldmore for a drive in the Park, and then home to +Portland Place. As the carriage whirls off, all the +young bucks in the Club feel a secret elation. It is a +part of their establishment, as it were. That carriage +belongs to their Club, and their Club belongs to them. +They follow the equipage with interest; they eye it +knowingly as they see it in the Park. But halt! we are +not come to the Club Snobs yet. O my brave Snobs, what a +flurry there will be among you when those papers appear! + +Well, you may judge, from the above description, what +sort of a man Goldmore is. A dull and pompous Leadenhall +Street Croesus, good-natured withal, and affable--cruelly +affable. 'Mr. Goldmore can never forget,' his lady used +to say, 'that it was Mrs. Gray's Grandfather who sent him +to India; and though that young woman has made the most +imprudent marriage in the world, and has left her station +in society, her husband seems an ingenious and laborious +young man, and we shall do everything in our power to be +of use to him.' So they used to ask the Grays to dinner +twice or thrice in a season, when, by way of increasing +the kindness, Buff, the butler, is ordered to hire a fly +to convey them to and from Portland Place. + +Of course I am much too good-natured a friend of both +parties not to tell Gray of Goldmore's opinion in him, +and the nabob's astonishment at the of the briefless +barrister having any dinner at all. Indeed, Goldmore's +saying became a joke against Gray amongst us wags at the +Club, and we used to ask him when he tasted meat last? +whether we should bring him home something from dinner? +and cut a thousand other mad pranks with him in our +facetious way. + +One day, then, coming home from the Club, Mr. Gray +conveyed to his wife the astounding information that he +had asked Goldmore to dinner. + +'My love,' says Mrs. Gray, in a tremor, 'how could you be +so cruel? Why, the dining-room won't hold Mrs. +Goldmore.' + +'Make your mind easy, Mrs. Gray; her ladyship is in +Paris. It is only Croesus that's coming, and we are +going to the play afterwards--to Sadler's Wells. +Goldmore said at the Club that he thought Shakspeare was +a great dramatic poet, and ought to be patronized; +whereupon, fired with enthusiasm, I invited him to our +banquet.' + +'Goodness gracious! what CAN we give him for dinner? He +has two French cooks; you know Mrs. Goldmore is always +telling us about them; and he dines with Aldermen every +day.' + +'"A plain leg of mutton, my Lucy, +I prythee get ready at three; +Have it tender, and smoking, and juicy, +And what better meat can there be?"' + +says Gray, quoting my favourite poet. + +'But the cook is ill; and you know that horrible Pattypan +the pastrycook's ---' + +'Silence, Frau!' says Gray, in a deep tragedy voice. 'I +will have the ordering of this repast. Do all things as +I bid thee. Invite our friend Snob here to partake of +the feast. Be mine the task of procuring it.' + +'Don't be expensive, Raymond,' says his wife. + +'Peace, thou timid partner of the briefless one. +Goldmore's dinner shall be suited to our narrow means. +Only do thou in all things my commands.' And seeing by +the peculiar expression of the rogue's countenance, that +some mad waggery was in preparation, I awaited the morrow +with anxiety. + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + +SNOBS AND MARRIAGE + +Punctual to the hour--(by the way, I cannot omit to mark +down my hatred, scorn, and indignation towards those +miserable Snobs who come to dinner at nine when they are +asked at eight, in order to make a sensation in the +company. May the loathing of honest folks, the +backbiting of others, the curses of cooks, pursue these +wretches, and avenge the society on which they trample!)- +-Punctual, I say, to the hour of five, which Mr. and Mrs. +Raymond Gray had appointed, a youth of an elegant +appearance, in a neat evening-dress, whose trim whiskers +indicated neatness, whose light step denoted activity +(for in sooth he was hungry, and always is at the dinner +hour, whatsoever that hour may be), and whose rich golden +hair, curling down his shoulders, was set off by a +perfectly new four-and-ninepenny silk hat, was seen +wending his way down Bittlestone Street, Bittlestone +Square, Gray's Inn. The person in question, I need not +say, was Mr. Snob. HE was never late when invited to +dine. But to proceed my narrative:-- + +Mr. Snob may have flattered himself that he made a +sensation as he strutted down Bittlestone with his richly +gilt knobbed cane (and indeed I vow I saw heads looking +at me from Miss Squilsby's, the brass-plated milliner +opposite Raymond Gray's, who has three silver-paper +bonnets, and two fly-blown prints of fashion in the +window), yet what was the emotion produced by my arrival, +compared to that which the little street thrilled, when +at five minutes past five the floss-wigged coachman, the +yellow hammer-cloth and flunkeys, the black horses and +blazing silver harness of Mr. Goldmore whirled down the +street! + +It is a very little street, of very little houses, most +of them with very large brass plates like Miss +Squilsby's. Coal-merchants, architects and surveyors, +two surgeons, a solicitor, a dancing-master, and of +course several house-agents, occupy the houses--little +two-storeyed edifices with little stucco porticoes. +Goldmore's carriage overtopped the roofs almost; the +first floors might shake hands with Croesus as he lolled +inside; all the windows of those first floors thronged +with children and women in a twinkling. There was Mrs. +Hammerly in curl-papers; Mrs. Saxby with her front awry; +Mr. Wriggles peering through the gauze curtains, holding +the while his hot glass of rum-and-water--in fine, a +tremendous commotion in Bittlestone Street, as the +Goldmore carriage drove up to Mr. Raymond Gray's door. + +'How kind it is of him to come with BOTH the footmen!' +says little Mrs. Gray, peeping at the vehicle too. The +huge domestic, descending from his perch, gave a rap at +the door which almost drove in the building. All the +heads were out; the sun was shining; the very organ-boy +paused; the footman, the coach, and Goldmore's red face +and white waistcoat were blazing in splendour. The +herculean plushed one went back to open the carriage- +door. + +Raymond Gray opened his--in his shirt-sleeves. He ran up +to the carriage. 'Come in, Goldmore,' says he; 'just in +time, my boy. Open the door, What-d'ye-call'um, and let +your master out,'--and What-d'ye-call'um obeyed +mechanically, with a face of wonder and horror, only to +be equalled by the look of stupefied astonishment which +ornamented the purple countenance of his master. + +'Wawt taim will you please have the CAGE, sir?' says +What-d'ye-call'um, in that peculiar, unspellable, +inimitable, flunkefied pronunciation which forms one of +the chief charms of existence. + +Best have it to the theatre at night,' Gray exclaims; 'it +is but a step from here to the Wells, and we can walk +there. I've got tickets for all. Be at Sadler's Wells +at eleven.' + +'Yes, at eleven,' exclaims Goldmore, perturbedly, and +walks with a flurried step into the house, as if he were +going to execution (as indeed he was, with that wicked +Gray as a Jack Ketch over him). The carriage drove away, +followed by numberless eyes from doorsteps and balconies; +its appearance is still a wonder in Bittlestone Street. + +'Go in there, and amuse yourself with Snob,' says Gray, +opening the little drawing-room door. 'I'll call out as +soon as the chops are ready. Fanny's below, seeing to +the pudding.' + +'Gracious mercy!' says Goldmore to me, quite +confidentially, 'how could he ask us? I really had no +idea of this--this utter destitution.' + +'Dinner, dinner!' roars out Gray, from the diningroom, +whence issued a great smoking and frying; and entering +that apartment we find Mrs. Gray ready to receive us, and +looking perfectly like a Princess who, by some accident, +had a bowl of potatoes in her hand, which vegetables she +placed on the table. Her husband 'was meanwhile cooking +mutton-chops on a gridiron over the fire. + +Fanny has made the roly-poly pudding,' says he; the chops +are my part. Here's a fine one; try this, Goldmore.' +And he popped a fizzing cutlet on that gentleman's plate. +What words, what notes of exclamation can describe the +nabob's astonishment? + +The tablecloth was a very old one, darned in a score +places. There was mustard in a teacup, a silver fork for +Goldmore--all ours were iron. + +"I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth,' says +Gray, gravely. 'That fork is the only one we have. +Fanny has it generally.' + +'Raymond!'- cries Mrs. Gray, with an imploring face. +'She was used to better things, you know: and I hope one +day to get her a dinner-service. I'm told the electro- +plate is uncommonly good. Where the deuce IS that boy +with the beer? And now,' said he, springing up, 'I'll be +a gentleman.' And so he put on his coat, and sat down +quite gravely, with four fresh mutton-chops which he had +by this time broiled. + +'We don t have meat every day, Mr. Goldmore,' he +continued, 'and it's a treat to me to get a dinner like +this. You little know, you gentlemen of England, who +live at home at ease, what hardships briefless barristers +endure.' + +'Gracious mercy!' says Mr. Goldmore. + +'Where's the half-and-half? Fanny, go over to the 'Keys' +and get the beer. Here's sixpence.' And what was our +astonishment when Fanny got up as if to go! + +'Gracious mercy! let ME,' cries Goldmore. + +'Not for worlds, my dear sir. She's used to it. They +wouldn't serve you as well as they serve her. Leave her +alone. Law bless you!' Raymond said, with astounding +composure. And Mrs. Gray left the room, and actually +came back with a tray on which there was a pewter flagon +of beer. Little Polly (to whom, at her christening, I +had the honour of presenting a silver mug EX OFFICIO) +followed with a couple of tobacco-pipes, and the queerest +roguish look in her round little chubby face. + +'Did you speak to Tapling about the gin, Fanny, my dear?' +Gray asked, after bidding Polly put the pipes on the +chimney-piece, which that little person had some +difficulty in reaching. 'The last was turpentine, and +even your brewing didn't make good punch of it.' + +'You would hardly suspect, Goldmore, that my wife, a +Harley Baker, would ever make gin-punch? I think my +mother-in-law would commit suicide if she saw her.' + +'Don't be always laughing at mamma, Raymond,' says Mrs. +Gray. + +'Well, well, she wouldn't die, and I DON'T wish she +would. And you don't make gin-punch, and you don't like +it either and--Goldmore do you drink your beer out of the +glass, or out of the pewter?' + +'Gracious mercy!' ejaculates Croesus once more, as little +Polly, taking the pot with both her little bunches of +hands, offers it, smiling, to that astonished Director. + +And so, in a word, the dinner commenced, and was +presently ended in a similar fashion. Gray pursued his +unfortunate guest with the most queer and outrageous +description of his struggles, misery, and poverty. He +described how he cleaned the knives when they were first +married; and how he used to drag the children in a little +cart; how his wife could toss pancakes; and what parts of +his dress she made. He told Tibbits, his clerk (who was +in fact the functionary who had brought the beer from the +public-house, which Mrs. Fanny had fetched from the +neighbouring apartment)--to fetch 'the bottle of port- +wine,' when the dinner was over; and told Goldmore as +wonderful a history about the way in which that bottle of +wine had come into his hands as any of his former stories +had been. When the repast was all over, and it was near +time to move to the play, and Mrs. Gray had retired, and +we were sitting ruminating rather silently over the last +glasses of the port, Gray suddenly breaks the silence by +slapping Goldmore on the shoulder, and saying, 'Now, +Goldmore, tell me something.' + +'What?' asks Croesus. + +'Haven't you had a good dinner?' + +Goldmore started, as if a sudden truth had just dawned +upon him. He HAD had a good dinner; and didn't know it +until then. The three mutton-chops consumed by him were +best of the mutton kind; the potatoes were perfect of +their order; as for the rolypoly, it was too good. The +porter was frothy and cool, and the port-wine was worthy +of the gills of a bishop. I speak with ulterior views; +for there is more in Gray's cellar. + +'Well,' says Goldmore, after a pause, during which he +took time to consider the momentous question Gray put to +him--' 'Pon my word--now you say so--I--I have--I really +have had a monsous good dinnah-- monsous good, upon my +ward! Here's your health, Gray my boy, and your amiable +lady; and when Mrs. Goldmore comes back, I hope we shall +see you more in Portland Place.' And with this the time +came for the play, and we went to see Mr. Phelps at +Sadler's Wells. The best of this story (for the truth of +every word of which I pledge my honour) is, that after +this banquet, which Goldmore enjoyed so, the honest +fellow felt a prodigious compassion and regard for the +starving and miserable giver of the feast, and determined +to help him in his profession. And being a Director of +the newly-established Antibilious Life Assurance Company, +he has had Gray appointed Standing Counsel, with a pretty +annual fee; and only yesterday, in an appeal from Bombay +(Buckmuckjee Bobbachee v. Ramchowder-Bahawder) in the +Privy Council, Lord Brougham complimented Mr. Gray, who +was in the case, on his curious and exact knowledge of +the Sanscrit language. + +Whether he knows Sanscrit or not, I can't say; but +Goldmore got him the business; and so I cannot help +having a lurking regard for that pompous old Bigwig. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + +SNOBS AND MARRIAGE + +'We Bachelors in Clubs are very much obliged to you," +says my old school and college companion, Essex Temple, +'for the opinion which you hold of us. You call us +selfish, purple-faced, bloated, and other pretty names. +You state, in the simplest possible terms, that we shall +go to the deuce. You bid us rot in loneliness, and deny +us all claims to honesty, conduct, decent Christian life. +Who are you, Mr. Snob, to judge us. Who are you, with +your infernal benevolent smirk and grin, that laugh at +all our generation? + +'I will tell you my case,' says Essex Temple; 'mine and +my sister Polly's, and you may make what you like of it; +and sneer at old maids, and bully old bachelors, if you +will. + +'I will whisper to you confidentially that my sister was +engaged to Serjeant Shirker--a fellow whose talents one +cannot deny, and be hanged to them, but whomwhom I have +always known to be mean, selfish, and a prig. However, +women don't see these faults in the men whom Love throws +in their way. Shirker, who has about as much warmth as +an eel, made up to Polly years and years ago, and was no +bad match for a briefless barrister, as he was then. + +Have you ever read Lord Eldon's Life? Do you remember +how the sordid old Snob narrates his going out to +purchase twopence-worth of sprats, which he and Mrs. +Scott fried between them? And how he parades his +humility, and exhibits his miserable poverty--he who, at +that time, must have been making a thousand pounds a +year? Well, Shirker was just as proud of his prudence-- +just as thankful for his own meanness, and of course +would not marry without a competency. Who so honourable? +Polly waited, and waited faintly, from year to year. HE +wasn't sick at heart; HIS passion never disturbed his six +hours' sleep, or kept his ambition out of mind. He would +rather have hugged an attorney any day than have kissed +Polly, though she was one of the prettiest creatures in +the world; and while she was pining alone upstairs, +reading over the stock of half-a-dozen frigid letters +that the confounded prig had condescended to write to +her, HE, be sure, was never busy with anything but his +briefs in chambers--always frigid, rigid, self-satisfied, +and at his duty. The marriage trailed on year after +year, while Mr. Serjeant Shirker grew to be the famous +lawyer he is. + +'Meanwhile, my younger brother, Pump Temple, who was in +the 120th Hussars, and had the same little patrimony +which fell to the lot of myself and Polly, must fall in +love with our cousin, Fanny Figtree, and marry her out of +hand. You should have seen the wedding! Six bridesmaids +in pink, to hold the fan, bouquet, gloves, scent-bottle, +and pocket-handkerchief of the bride; basketfuls of white +favours in the vestry, to be pinned on to the footmen and +horses; a genteel congregation of curious acquaintance in +the pews, a shabby one of poor on the steps; all the +carriages of all our acquaintance, whom Aunt Figtree had +levied for the occasion; and of course four horses for +Mr. Pump's bridal vehicle. + +'Then comes the breakfast, or DEJEUNER, if you please, +with a brass band in the street, and policemen to keep +order. The happy bridegroom spends about a year's income +in dresses for the bridesmaids and pretty presents; and +the bride must have a TROUSSEAU of laces, satins, jewel- +boxes and tomfoolery, to make her fit to be a +lieutenant's wife. There was no hesitation about Pump. +He flung about his money as if it had been dross; and +Mrs. P. Temple, on the horse Tom Tiddler, which her +husband gave her, was the most dashing of military women +at Brighton or Dublin. + +How old Mrs. Figtree used to bore me and Polly with +stories of Pump's grandeur and the noble company he kept! +Polly lives with the Figtrees, as I am not rich enough to +keep a home for her. + +'Pump and I have always been rather distant. Not having +the slightest notions about horseflesh, he has a natural +contempt for me; and in our mother's lifetime, when the +good old lady was always paying his debts and petting +him, I'm not sure there was not a little jealousy. It +used to be Polly that kept the peace between us. + +'She went to Dublin to visit Pump, and brought back grand +accounts of his doings--gayest man about town--Aide-de- +Camp to the Lord-Lieutenant--Fanny admired everywhere-- +Her Excellency godmother to the second boy: the eldest +with a string of aristocratic Christian-names that made +the grandmother wild with delight. Presently Fanny and +Pump obligingly came to London, where the third was born. + +'Polly was godmother to this, and who so loving as she +and Pump now? "Oh, Essex," says she to me, "he is so +good, so generous, so fond of his family; so +handsome; who can help loving him, and pardoning his +little errors?" One day, while Mrs. Pump was yet in the +upper regions, and Doctor Fingerfee's brougham +at her door every day, having business at Guildhall, whom +should I meet in Cheapside but Pump and Polly? The poor +girl looked more happy and rosy +than I have seen her these twelve years. Pump, on the +contrary, was rather blushing and embarrassed. + +'I couldn't be mistaken in her face and its look of +mischief and triumph. She had been committing some act +of sacrifice. I went to the family stockbroker. She had +sold out two thousand pounds that morning and given them +to Pump. Quarrelling was useless--Pump had the money; he +was off to Dublin by the time I reached his mother's, and +Polly radiant still. He was going to make his fortune; +he was going to embark the money in the Bog of Allen--I +don't know what. The fact is, he was going to pay his +losses upon the last Manchester steeple-chase, and I +leave you to imagine how much principal or interest poor +Polly ever saw back again. + +'It was more than half her fortune, and he has had +another thousand since from her. Then came efforts to +stave off ruin and prevent exposure; struggles on all our +parts, and sacrifices, that' (here Mr. Essex Temple began +to hesitate)--'that needn't be talked of; but they are of +no more use than such sacrifices ever are. Pump and his +wife are abroad--I don't like to ask where; Polly has the +three children, and Mr. Serjeant Shirker has formally +written to break off an engagement, on the conclusion of +which Miss Temple must herself have speculated, when she +alienated the greater part of her fortune. + +'And here's your famous theory of poor marriages!' Essex +Temple cries, concluding the above history. 'How do you +know that I don't want to marry myself? How do you dare +sneer at my poor sister? What are we but martyrs of the +reckless marriage system which Mr. Snob, forsooth, +chooses to advocate?' And he thought he had the better +of the argument, which, strange to say, is not my +opinion. + +But for the infernal Snob-worship, might not every one of +these people be happy? If poor Polly's happiness lay in +linking her tender arms round such a heartless prig as +the sneak who has deceived her, she might have been happy +now--as happy as Raymond Raymond in the ballad, with the +stone statue by his side. She is wretched because Mr. +Serjeant Shirker worships money and ambition, and is a +Snob and a coward. + +If the unfortunate Pump Temple and his giddy hussy of a +wife have ruined themselves, and dragged down others into +their calamity, it is because they loved rank, and +horses, and plate, and carriages, and COURT GUIDES, and +millinery, and would sacrifice all to attain those +objects. + +And who misguides them? If the world were more simple, +would not those foolish people follow the fashion? Does +not the world love COURT GUIDES, and millinery, and +plate, and carriages? Mercy on us! Read the fashionable +intelligence; read the COURT CIRCULAR; read the genteel +novels; survey mankind, from Pimlico to Red Lion Square, +and see how the Poor Snob is aping the Rich Snob; how the +Mean Snob is grovelling at the feet of the Proud Snob; +and the Great Snob is lording it over his humble brother. +Does the idea of equality ever enter Dives' head? Will +it ever? Will the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe (I like a +good name) ever believe that Lady Croesus, her next-door +neighbour in Belgrave Square, is as good a lady as her +Grace? Will Lady Croesus ever leave off pining the +Duchess's parties, and cease patronizing Mrs. Broadcloth +whose husband has not got his Baronetcy yet? Will Mrs. +Broadcloth ever heartily shake hands with Mrs. Seedy, and +give up those odious calculations about poor dear Mrs. +Seedy's income? Will Mrs. Seedy who is starving in her +great house, go and live comfortably in a little one, or +in lodgings? Will her landlady, Miss Letsam, ever stop +wondering at the familiarity of tradespeople, or rebuking +the insolence of Suky, the maid, who wears flowers under +her bonnet like a lady? + +But why hope, why wish for such times? Do I wish all +Snobs to perish? Do I wish these Snob papers to +determine? Suicidal fool, art not thou, too, a Snob and +a brother? + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + +CLUB SNOBS + +As I wish to be particularly agreeable to the ladies (to +whom I make my most humble obeisance), we will now, if +you please, commence maligning a class of Snobs against +whom, I believe, most female minds are embittered--I mean +Club Snobs. I have very seldom heard even the most +gentle and placable woman speak without a little feeling +of bitterness against those social institutions, those +palaces swaggering in St. James's, which are open to the +men; while the ladies have but their dingy three-windowed +brick boxes in Belgravia or in Paddingtonia, or in the +region between the road of Edgware and that of Gray's +Inn. + +In my grandfather's time it used to be Freemasonry that +roused their anger. It was my grand-aunt (whose portrait +we still have in the family) who got into the clock-case +at the Royal Rosicrucian Lodge at Bungay, Suffolk, to spy +the proceedings of the Society, of which her husband was +a member, and being frightened by the sudden whirring and +striking eleven of the clock (just as the Deputy-Grand- +Master was bringing in the mystic gridiron for the +reception of a neophyte), rushed out into the midst of +the lodge assembled; and was elected, by a desperate +unanimity, Deputy-Grand-Mistress for life. Though that +admirable and courageous female never subsequently +breathed a word with regard to the secrets of the +initiation, yet she inspired all our family with such a +terror regarding the mysteries of Jachin and Boaz, that +none of our family have ever since joined the Society, or +worn the dreadful Masonic insignia. + +It is known that Orpheus was torn to pieces by some +justly indignant Thracian ladies for belonging to an +Harmonic Lodge. 'Let him go back to Eurydice,' they +said, 'whom he is pretending to regret so.' But the +history is given in Dr. Lempriere's elegant dictionary in +a manner much more forcible than any +this feeble pen can attempt. At once, then, and without +verbiage, let us take up this subject-matter of Clubs. + +Clubs ought not, in my mind, to be permitted to +bachelors. If my friend of the Cuttykilts had not our +club, the 'Union Jack,' to go to (I belong to the 'U.J. +and nine other similar institutions), who knows but he +never would be a bachelor at this present moment? +Instead of being made comfortable, and cockered up with +every luxury, as they are at Clubs, bachelors ought to be +rendered profoundly miserable, in my opinion. Every +encouragement should be given to the rendering their +spare time disagreeable. There can be no more odious +object, according to my sentiments, than young Smith in +the pride of health, commanding his dinner of three +courses; than middle-aged Jones wallowing (as I may say) +in an easy padded arm-chair, over the delicious novel or +brilliant magazine; or than old Brown, that selfish old +reprobate for whom mere literature has no charms, +stretched on the best sofa, sitting on the second edition +of THE TIMES, having the MORNING CHRONICLE between his +knees, the HERALD pushed in between his coat and +waistcoat, the STANDARD under his arm, the GLOBE under +the other pinion, and the DAILY NEWS in perusal. 'I'll +trouble you for PUNCH, Mr. Wiggins' says the +unconscionable old gormandiser, interrupting our friend, +who is laughing over the periodical in question. + +This kind of selfishness ought not to be. No, no. Young +Smith, instead of his dinner and his wine, ought to be, +where?--at the festive tea-table, to be sure, by the side +of Miss Higgs, sipping the bohea, or tasting the harmless +muffin; while old Mrs. Higgs looks on, pleased at their +innocent dalliance, and my friend Miss Wirt, the +governess, is performing Thalberg's last sonata in treble +X., totally unheeded, at the piano. + +Where should the middle-aged Jones be? At his time of +life, he ought to be the father of a family. At such an +hour--say, at nine o'clock at night--the nursery-bell +should have just rung the children to bed. He and Mrs. +J. ought to be, by rights, seated on each side of the +fire by the dining-room table, a bottle of port-wine +between them, not so full as it was an hour since. Mrs. +J. has had two glasses; Mrs. Grumble (Jones's mother-in- +law) has had three; Jones himself has finished the rest, +and dozes comfortably until bed-time. + +And Brown, that old newspaper-devouring miscreant, what +right has HE at a club at a decent hour of night? He +ought to be playing his rubber with Miss MacWhirter, his +wife, and the family apothecary. His candle ought to be +brought to him at ten o'clock, and he should retire to +rest just as the young people were thinking of a dance. +How much finer, simpler, nobler are the several +employments I have sketched out for these gentlemen than +their present nightly orgies at the horrid Club. + +And, ladies, think of men who do not merely frequent the +dining-room and library, but who use other apartments of +those horrible dens which it is my purpose to batter +down; think of Cannon, the wretch, with his coat off, at +his age and size, clattering the balls over the billiard- +table all night, and making bets with that odious Captain +Spot!--think of Pam in a dark room with Bob Trumper, Jack +Deuceace, and Charley Vole, playing, the poor dear +misguided wretch, guinea points and five pounds on the +rubber!--above all, think--oh, think of that den of +abomination, which, I am told, has been established in +SOME clubs, called THE SMOKING-ROOM,--think of the +debauchees who congregate there, the quantities of +reeking whisky-punch or more dangerous sherry-cobbler +which they consume;--think of them coming home at cock- +crow and letting themselves into the quiet house with the +Chubb key;-- think of them, the hypocrites, taking off +their insidious boots before they slink upstairs, the +children sleeping overhead, the wife of their bosom alone +with the waning rushlight in the two-pair front--that +chamber so soon to be rendered hateful by the smell of +their stale cigars: I am not an advocate of violence; I +am not, by nature, of an incendiary turn of mind: but if, +my dear ladies, you are for assassinating Mr. Chubb and +burning down Club-houses in St. James's, there is ONE +Snob at who will not think the worse of you. + +The only men who, as I opine, ought to be allowed the use +of Clubs, are married men without a profession. The +continual presence of these in a house cannot be +thought, even by the most loving of wives, desirable. +Say the girls are beginning to practise their music, +which in an honourable English family, ought to occupy +every young gentlewoman three hours; it would be rather +hard to call upon poor papa to sit in the drawing-room +all that time, and listen to the interminable discords +and shrieks which are elicited from the miserable piano +during the above necessary operation. A man with a good +ear, especially, would go mad, if compelled daily to +submit to this horror. + +Or suppose you have a fancy to go to the milliner's, or +to Howell and James's, it is manifest, my dear Madam, +that your husband is much better at the Club during these +operations than by your side in the carriage, or perched +in wonder upon one of the stools at Shawl and Gimcrack's, +whilst young counter-dandies are displaying their wares. + +This sort of husbands should be sent out after breakfast, +and if not Members of Parliament, or Directors of a +Railroad, or an Insurance Company, should be put into +their clubs, and told to remain there until dinner-time. +No sight is more agreeable to my truly regulated mind +than to see the noble characters so worthily employed. +Whenever I pass by St. James's Street, having the +privilege, like the rest of the world, of looking in at +the windows of 'Blight's,' or 'Foodle's,' or 'Snook's,' +or the great bay at the 'Contemplative Club,' I behold +with respectful appreciation the figures within--the +honest rosy old fogies, the mouldy old dandies, the +waist-belts and glossy wigs and tight cravats of those +most vacuous and respectable men. Such men are best +there during the day-time surely. When you part with +them, dear ladies, think of the rapture consequent on +their return. You have transacted your household +affairs; you have made your purchases; you have paid your +visits; you have aired your poodle in the Park; your +French maid has completed the toilette which renders you +so ravishingly beautiful by candlelight, and you are fit +to make home pleasant to him who has been absent all day. + +Such men surely ought to have their Clubs, and we will +not class them among Club Snobs therefore:--on whom let +us reserve our attack for the next chapter. + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + +CLUB SNOBS + +Such a Sensation has been created in the Clubs by the +appearance of the last paper on Club Snobs, as can't but +be complimentary to me who am one of their number. + +I belong to many Clubs. The 'Union Jack,' the 'Sash and +Marlin-spike'--Military Clubs. 'The True Blue,' the 'No +Surrender,' the 'Blue and Buff,' the 'Guy Fawkes,' and +the 'Cato Street'--Political Clubs. 'The Brummel' and +the 'Regent'--Dandy Clubs. The 'Acropolis,' the +'Palladium,' the 'Areopagus,' the 'Pnyx' the +'Pentelicus,' the 'Ilissus' and the 'Poluphloisboio +Thalasses'--Literary Clubs. I never could make out how +the latter set of Clubs got their names; I don't know +Greek for one, and I wonder how many other members of +those institutions do? +Ever since the Club Snobs have been announced, I observe +a sensation created on my entrance into any one of these +places. Members get up and hustle together; they nod, +they scowl, as they glance towards the present Snob. +'Infernal impudent jackanapes! If he shows me up,' says +Colonel Bludyer, 'I'll break every bone in his skin.' 'I +told you what would come of admitting literary men into +the Club,' says Ranville Ranville to his colleague, +Spooney, of the Tape and Sealing-Wax Office. 'These +people are very well in their proper places, and as a +public man, I make a point of shaking hands with them, +and that sort of thing; but to have one's privacy +obtruded upon by such people is really too much. Come +along, Spooney,' and the pair of prigs retire +superciliously. + +As I came into the coffee-room at the 'No Surrender,' old +Jawkins was holding out to a knot of men, who were +yawning, as usual. There he stood, waving the STANDARD, +and swaggering before the fire. 'What,' says he, 'did I +tell Peel last year? If you touch the Corn Laws, you +touch the Sugar Question; if you touch the Sugar, you +touch the Tea. I am no monopolist. I am a liberal man, +but I cannot forget that I stand on the brink of a +precipice; and if were to have Free Trade, give me +reciprocity. And what was Sir Robert Peel's answer to +me? "Mr. Jawkins," he said ---' + +Here Jawkins's eye suddenly turning on your humble +servant, he stopped his sentence, with a guilty look-- +his stale old stupid sentence, which every one of us at +the Club has heard over and over again. + +Jawkins is a most pertinacious Club Snob. Every day he +is at that fireplace, holding that STANDARD, of which he +reads up the leading-article, and pours it out ORE +ROTUNDO, with the most astonishing composure, in the face +of his neighbour, who has just read every word of it in +the paper. Jawkins has money, as you may see by the tie +of his neckcloth. He passes the morning swaggering about +the City, in bankers' and brokers parlours, and says :-- +'I spoke with Peel yesterday, and his intentions are so +and so. Graham and I were talking over the matter, and I +pledge you my word of honour, his opinion coincides with +mine; and that What-d'ye-call-um is the only measure +Government will venture on trying.' By evening-paper +time he is at the Club: 'I can tell you the opinion of +the City, my lord,' says he, 'and the way in which Jones +Loyd looks at it is briefly this: Rothschilds told me so +themselves. In Mark Lane, people's minds are QUITE made +up.' He is considered rather a well-informed man. + +He lives in Belgravia, of course; in a drab-coloured +genteel house, and has everything about him that is +properly grave, dismal, and comfortable. His dinners are +in the MORNING HERALD, among the parties for the week; +and his wife and daughters make a very handsome +appearance at the Drawing-Room, once a year, when he +comes down to the Club in his Deputy-Lieutenant's +uniform. + +He is fond of beginning a speech to you by saying, 'When +I was in the House, I &c.'--in fact he sat for +Skittlebury for three weeks in the first Reformed +Parliament, and was unseated for bribery; since which he +has three times unsuccessfully contested that honourable +borough. + +Another sort of Political Snob I have seen at most Clubs +and that is the man who does not care so much for home +politics, but is great upon foreign affairs. I think +this sort of man is scarcely found anywhere BUT in Clubs. +It is for him the papers provide their foreign articles, +at the expense of some ten thousand a-year each. He is +the man who is really seriously uncomfortable about the +designs of Russia, and the atrocious treachery of Louis +Philippe. He it is who expects a French fleet in the +Thames, and has a constant eye upon the American +President, every word of whose speech (goodness help +him!) he reads. He knows the names of the contending +leaders in Portugal, and what they are fighting about: +and it is he who says that Lord Aberdeen ought to be +impeached, and Lord Palmerston hanged, or VICE VERSA. + +Lord Palmerston's being sold to Russia, the exact number +of roubles paid, by what house in the City, is a +favourite theme with this kind of Snob. I once overheard +him--it was Captain Spitfire, R.N., (who had been refused +a ship by the Whigs, by the way)--indulging in the +following conversation with Mr. Minns after dinner. + +Why wasn't the Princess Scragamoffsky at Lady +Palmerston's party, Minns? Because SHE CAN'T SHOW-- why +can't she show? Shall I tell you, Minns, why she can't +show? The Princess Scragainoffsky's back is flayed +alive, Minns--I tell you it's raw, sir! On Tuesday last, +at twelve o'clock, three drummers of the Preobajinski +Regiment arrived at Ashburnham House, and at half-past +twelve, in the yellow drawing-room at the Russian +Embassy, before the ambassadress and four ladies'-maids, +the Greek Papa, and the Secretary of Embassy, Madame de +Scragamoffsky received thirteen dozen. She was knouted, +sir, knouted in the midst of England--in Berkeley Square, +for having said that the Grand Duchess Olga's hair was +red. And now, sir, will you tell me Lord Palmerston +ought to continue Minister?' + +Minns: 'Good Ged!' + +Minns follows Spitfire about, and thinks him the greatest +and wisest of human beings. + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + +CLUB SNOBS + +Why does not some great author write 'The Mysteries of +the Club-houses; or St. James's Street unveiled?' It +would be a fine subject for an imaginative writer. We +must all, as boys, remember when we went to the fair, and +had spent all our money--the sort of awe and anxiety with +which we loitered round the outside of the show, +speculating upon the nature of the entertainment going on +within. + +Man is a Drama--of Wonder and Passion, and Mystery and +Meanness, and Beauty and Truthfulness, and Etcetera. +Each Bosom is a Booth in Vanity Fair. But let us stop +this capital style, I should die if I kept it up for a +column (a pretty thing a column all capitals would be, by +the way). In a Club, though there mayn't be a soul of +your acquaintance in the room, you have always the chance +of watching strangers, and speculating on what is going +on within those tents and curtains of their souls, their +coats and waistcoats. This is a never-failing sport. +Indeed I am told there are some Clubs in the town where +nobody ever speaks to anybody. They sit in the coffee- +room, quite silent, and watching each other. + +Yet how little you can tell from a man's outward +demeanour! There's a man at our Club--large, heavy, +middle-aged--gorgeously dressed--rather bald--with +lacquered boots--and a boa when he goes out; quiet in +demeanour, always ordering and consuming a RECHERCHE +little dinner: whom I have mistaken for Sir John +Pocklington any time these five years, and respected as a +man with five hundred pounds PER DIEM; and I find he is +but a clerk in an office in the City, with not two +hundred pounds income, and his name is Jubber. Sir John +Pocklington was, on the contrary, the dirty little snuffy +man who cried out so about the bad quality of the beer, +and grumbled at being overcharged three-halfpence for a +herring, seated at the next table to Jubber on the day +when some one pointed the Baronet out to me. + +Take a different sort of mystery. I see, for instance, +old Fawney stealing round the rooms of the Club, with +glassy, meaningless eyes, and an endless greasy simper-- +he fawns on everybody he meets, and shakes hands with +you, and blesses you, and betrays the most tender and +astonishing interest in your welfare. You know him to be +a quack and a rogue, and he knows you know it. But he +wriggles on his way, and leaves a track of slimy flattery +after him wherever he goes. Who can penetrate that man's +mystery? What earthly good can he get from you or me? +You don't know what is working under that leering +tranquil mask. You have only the dim instinctive +repulsion that warns you, you are in the presence of a +knave--beyond which fact all Fawney's soul is a secret to +you. + +I think I like to speculate on the young men best. Their +play is opener. You know the cards in their hand, as it +were. Take, for example, Messrs. Spavin and Cockspur. + +A specimen or two of the above sort of young fellows may +be found, I believe, at most Clubs. They know nobody. +They bring a fine smell of cigars into the room with +them, and they growl together, in a corner, about +sporting matters. They recollect the history of that +short period in which they have been ornaments of the +world by the names of winning horses. As political men +talk about 'the Reform year,' 'the year the Whigs went +out,' and so forth, these young sporting bucks speak of +TARNATION'S year, or OPODELDOC'S year, or the year when +CATAWAMPUS ran second for the Chester Cup. They play at +billiards in the morning, they absorb pale ale for +breakfast, and 'top up' with glasses of strong waters. +They read BELL'S LIFE (and a very pleasant paper too, +with a great deal of erudition in the answers to +correspondents). They go down to Tattersall's, and +swagger in the Park, with their hands plunged in the +pockets of their paletots. + +What strikes me especially in the outward demeanour of +sporting youth is their amazing gravity, their +conciseness of speech, and careworn and moody air. In +the smoking-room at the 'Regent,' when Joe Millerson will +be setting the whole room in a roar with laughter, you +hear young Messrs. Spavin and Cockspur grumbling +together in a corner. 'I'll take your five-and-twenty to +one about Brother to Bluenose,' whispers Spavin. 'Can't +do it at the price,' Cockspur says, wagging his head +ominously. The betting-book is always present in the +minds of those unfortunate youngsters. I think I hate +that work even more than the 'Peerage.' There is some +good in the latter--though, generally speaking, a vain +record: though De Mogyns is not descended from the giant +Hogyn Mogyn; though half the other genealogies are +equally false and foolish; yet the mottoes are good +reading--some of them; and the book itself a sort of +gold-laced and livened lackey to History, and in so far +serviceable. But what good ever came out of, or went +into, a betting-book? If I could be Caliph Omar for a +week, I would pitch every one of those despicable +manuscripts into the flames; from my Lord's, who is 'in' +with Jack Snaffle's stable, and is over-reaching worse- +informed rogues and swindling greenhorns, down to Sam's, +the butcher-boy's, who books eighteenpenny odds in the +tap-room, and 'stands to win five-and-twenty bob.' + +In a turf transaction, either Spavin or Cockspur would +try to get the better of his father, and, to gain a point +in the odds, victimise his best friends. One day we +shall hear of one or other levanting; an event at which, +not being sporting men, we shall not break our hearts. +See--Mr. Spavin is settling his toilette previous to +departure; giving a curl in the glass to his side-wisps +of hair. Look at him! It is only at the hulks, or among +turf-men, that you ever see a face so mean, so knowing, +and so gloomy. + +A much more humane being among the youthful Clubbists is +the Lady-killing Snob. I saw Wiggle just now in the +dressing-room, talking to Waggle, his inseparable. + +WAGGLE.-- 'Pon my honour, Wiggle, she did.' + +WIGGLE.-- 'Well, Waggle, as you say--I own I think she +DID look at me rather kindly. We'll see to-night at the +French play.' + +And having arrayed their little persons, these two +harmless young bucks go upstairs to dinner. + + + +CHAPTER XL + +CLUB SNOBS + +Both sorts of young men, mentioned in my last under the +flippant names of Wiggle and Waggle, may be found in +tolerable plenty, I think, in Clubs. Wiggle and Waggle +are both idle. They come of the middle classes. One of +them very likely makes believe to be a barrister, and the +other has smart apartments about Piccadilly. They are a +sort of second-chop dandies; they cannot imitate that +superb listlessness of demeanour, and that admirable +vacuous folly which distinguish the noble and high-born +chiefs of the race; but they lead lives almost as bad +(were it but for the example), and are personally quite +as useless. I am not going to arm a thunderbolt, and +launch it at the beads of these little Pall Mall +butterflies. They don't commit much public harm, or +private extravagance. They don't spend a thousand pounds +for diamond earrings for an Opera-dancer, as Lord Tarquin +can: +neither of them ever set up a public-house or broke the +bank of a gambling-club, like the young Earl of +Martingale. They have good points, kind feelings, and +deal honourably in money-transactions--only in their +characters of men of second-rate pleasure about town, +they and their like are so utterly mean, self-contented, +and absurd, that they must not be omitted in a work +treating on Snobs. + +Wiggle has been abroad, where he gives you to understand +that his success among the German countesses and Italian +princesses, whom he met at the TABLES-D'HOTE, was +perfectly terrific. His rooms are hung round with +pictures of actresses and ballet-dancers. He passes his +mornings in a fine dressing-gown, burning pastilles, and +reading 'Don Juan' and French novels (by the way, the +life of the author of 'Don Juan,' as described by +himself, was the model of the life of a Snob). He has +twopenny-halfpenny French prints of women with +languishing eyes, dressed in dominoes,--guitars, +gondolas, and so forth,--and tells you stories about +them. + +'It's a bad print,' says he, 'I know, but I've a reason +for liking it. It reminds me of somebody--somebody I +knew in other climes. You have heard of the Principessa +di Monte Pulciano? I met her at Rimini. Dear, dear +Francesca! That fair-haired, bright-eyed thing in the +Bird of Paradise and the Turkish Simar with the love-bird +on her finger, I'm sure must have been taken from--from +somebody perhaps whom you don't know --but she's known at +Munich, Waggle my boy,-- everybody knows the Countess +Ottilia de Eulenschreckenstein. Gad, sir, what a +beautiful creature she was when I danced with her on the +birthday of Prince Attila of Bavaria, in '44. Prince +Carloman was our vis-a-vis, and Prince Pepin danced the +same CONTREDANSE. She had a Polyanthus in her bouquet. +Waggle, I HAVE IT NOW.' His countenance assumes an +agonized and mysterious expression, and he buries his +head in the sofa cushions, as if plunging into a +whirlpool of passionate recollections. + +Last year he made a considerable sensation by having on +his table a morocco miniature-case locked by a gold key, +which he always wore round his neck, and on which was +stamped a serpent--emblem of eternity--with the letter M +in the circle. Sometimes he laid this upon his little +morocco writing-table, as if it were on an altar-- +generally he had flowers upon it; in the middle of a +conversation he would start up and kiss it. He would +call out from his bed-room to his valet, 'Hicks, bring me +my casket!' + +'I don't know who it is,' Waggle would say. 'Who DOES +know that fellow's intrigues! Desborough Wiggle, sir, is +the slave of passion. I suppose you have heard the story +of the Italian princess locked up in the Convent of Saint +Barbara, at Rimini? He hasn't told you? Then I'm not at +liberty to speak. Or the countess, about whom he nearly +had the duel with Prince Witikind of Bavaria? Perhaps +you haven't even heard about that beautiful girl at +Pentonville, daughter of a most respectable Dissenting +clergyman. She broke her heart when she found he was +engaged (to a most lovely creature of high family, who +afterwards proved false to him), and she's now in +Hanwell.' + +Waggle's belief in his friend amounts to frantic +adoration. 'What a genius he is, if he would but apply +himself!' he whispers to me. 'He could be anything, sir, +but for his passions. His poems are the most beautiful +things you ever saw. He's written a continuation of "Don +Juan," from his own adventures. Did you ever read his +lines to Mary? They're superior to Byron, sir--superior +to Byron.' + +I was glad to hear this from so accomplished a critic as +Waggle; for the fact is, I had composed the verses myself +for honest Wiggle one day, whom I found at his chambers +plunged in thought over a very dirty old-fashioned album, +in which he had not as yet written a single word. + +'I can't,' says he. 'Sometimes I can write whole cantos, +and to-day not a line. Oh, Snob! such an opportunity! +Such a divine creature! She's asked me to write verses +for her album, and I can't.' + +'Is she rich?' said I. 'I thought you would never marry +any but an heiress.' + +'Oh, Snob! she's the most accomplished, highly-connected +creature!--and I can't get out a line.' + +'How will you have it?' says I. 'Hot, with sugar?' + +'Don't, don't! You trample on the most sacred feelings, +Snob. I want something wild and tender,--like Byron. I +want to tell her that amongst the festive balls, and that +sort of thing, you know--I only think about her, you +know--that I scorn the world, and am weary of it, you +know, and--something about a gazelle, and a bulbul, you +know.' + +'And a yataghan to finish off with,' the present writer +observed, and we began:-- + +'TO MARY + +'I seem, in the midst of the crowd, +The lightest of all; +My laughter rings cheery and loud, +In banquet and ball. +My lip hath its smiles and its sneers, +For all men to see; +But my soul, and my truth, and my tears, +Are for thee, are for thee!' + +'Do you call THAT neat, Wiggle?' says I. 'I declare it +almost makes me cry myself.' + +'Now suppose,' says Wiggle, 'we say that all the world is +at my feet--make her jealous, you know, and that sort of +thing--and that--that I'm going to TRAVEL, you know? +That perhaps may work upon her feelings.' + +So WE (as this wretched prig said) began again:-- + +'Around me they flatter and fawn-- +The young and the old, +The fairest are ready to pawn +Their hearts for my gold. +They sue me--I laugh as I spurn +The slaves at my knee, +But in faith and in fondness I turn +Unto thee, unto thee!' + +'Now for the travelling, Wiggle my boy!' And I began, in +a voice choked with emotion-- + +'Away! for my heart knows no rest +Since you taught it to feel; +The secret must die in my breast +I burn to reveal; +The passion I may not. . .' + +'I say, Snob!' Wiggle here interrupted the excited bard +(just as I was about to break out into four lines so +pathetic that they would drive you into hysterics). 'I +say--ahem--couldn't you say that I was--a--military man, +and that there was some danger of my life?' + +'You a military man?--danger of your life? What the +deuce do you mean?' + +'Why,' said Wiggle, blushing a great deal, 'I told her I +was going out--on--the--Ecuador--expedition.' + +'You abominable young impostor,' I exclaimed. 'Finish +the poem for yourself!' And so he did, and entirely out +of all metre, and bragged about the work at the Club as +his own performance. + +Poor Waggle fully believed in his friend's genius, until +one day last week he came with a grin on his countenance +to the Club, and said, 'Oh, Snob, I've made SUCH a +discovery! Going down to the skating to-day, whom should +I see but Wiggle walking with that splendid woman--that +lady of illustrious family and immense fortune, Mary, you +know, whom he wrote the beautiful verses about. She's +five-and-forty. She's red hair. She's a nose like a +pump-handle. Her father made his fortune by keeping a +ham-and-beef shop, and Wiggle's going to marry her next +week.' + +'So much the better, Waggle, my young friend,' I +exclaimed. 'Better for the sake of womankind that this +dangerous dog should leave off lady-killing--this Blue- +Beard give up practice. Or, better rather for his own +sake. For as there is not a word of truth in any of +those prodigious love-stories which you used to swallow, +nobody has been hurt except Wiggle himself, whose +affections will now centre in the ham-and-beef shop. +There ARE people, Mr. Waggle, who do these things in +earnest, and hold a good rank in the world too. But +these are not subjects for ridicule, and though certainly +Snobs, are scoundrels likewise. Their cases go up to a +higher Court.' + + + +CHAPTER XLI + +CLUB SNOBS + +Bacchus is the divinity to whom Waggle devotes his +especial worship. 'Give me wine, my boy,' says he to his +friend Wiggle, who is prating about lovely woman; and +holds up his glass full of the rosy fluid, and winks at +it portentously, and sips it, and smacks his lips after +it, and meditates on it, as if he were the greatest of +connoisseurs. + +I have remarked this excessive wine-amateurship +especially in youth. Snoblings from college, Fledglings +from the army, Goslings from the public schools, who +ornament our Clubs, are frequently to be heard in great +force upon wine questions. 'This bottle's corked,' says +Snobling; and Mr. Sly, the butler, taking it away, +returns presently with the same wine in another jug, +which the young amateur pronounces excellent. 'Hang +champagne!' says Fledgling, 'it's only fit for gals and +children. Give me pale sherry at dinner, and my twenty- +three claret afterwards.' 'What's port now?' says +Gosling; 'disgusting thick sweet stuff--where's the old +dry wine one USED to get?' Until the last twelvemonth, +Fledgling drank small-beer at Doctor Swishtail's; and +Gosling used to get his dry old port at a gin-shop in +Westminster--till he quitted that seminary, in 1844. + +Anybody who has looked at the caricatures of thirty years +ago, must remember how frequently bottle-noses, pimpled +faces, and other Bardolphian features are introduced by +the designer. They are much more rare now (in nature, +and in pictures, therefore,) than in those good old +times; but there are still to be found amongst the youth +of our Clubs lads who glory in drinking-bouts, and whose +faces, quite sickly and yellow, for the most part are +decorated with those marks which Rowland's Kalydor is +said to efface. 'I was SO cut last night--old boy!' +Hopkins says to Tomkins (with amiable confidence). 'I +tell you what we did. We breakfasted with Jack Herring +at twelve, and kept up with brandy and soda-water and +weeds till four; then we toddled into the Park for an +hour; then we dined and drank mulled port till half- +price; then we looked in for an hour at the Haymarket; +then we came back to the Club, and had grills and whisky +punch till all was blue--Hullo, waiter! Get me a glass +of cherry-brandy.' Club waiters, the civilest, the +kindest, the patientest of men, die under the infliction +of these cruel young topers. But if the reader wishes to +see a perfect picture on the stage of this class of young +fellows, I would recommend him to witness the ingenious +comedy of LONDON ASSURANCE--the amiable heroes of which +are represented, not only as drunkards and five-o'clock- +in-the-morning men, but as showing a hundred other +delightful traits of swindling, lying, and general +debauchery, quite edifying to witness. + +How different is the conduct of these outrageous youths +to the decent behaviour of my friend, Mr. Papworthy; who +says to Poppins, the butler at the Club:-- + +PAPWORTHY.--'Poppins, I'm thinking of dining early; is +there any cold game in the house?' + +POPPINS.--'There's a game pie, sir; there's cold grouse, +sir; there's cold pheasant, sir; there's cold peacock, +sir; cold swan, sir; cold ostrich, sir,' &c. &c. (as the +case may be). + +PAPWORTHY.--'Hem! What's your best claret now, Poppins?- +-in pints, I mean.' + +POPPINS.--'There's Cooper and Magnum's Lafitte, sir: +there's Lath and Sawdust's St. Julien, sir; Bung's +Leoville is considered remarkably fine; and I think you'd +like Jugger's Chateau-Margaux.' + +PAPWORTHY.--'Hum!--hah!--well--give me a crust of bread +and a glass of beer. I'll only LUNCH, Poppins. + +Captain Shindy is another sort of Club bore. He has been +known to throw all the Club in an uproar about the +quality of his mutton-chop. + +'Look at it, sir! Is it cooked, sir? Smell it, sir! Is +it meat fit for a gentleman?' he roars out to the +steward, who stands trembling before him, and who in vain +tells him that the Bishop of Bullocksmithy has just had +three from the same loin. All the waiters in the Club +are huddled round the captain's mutton-chop. He roars +out the most horrible curses at John for not bringing the +pickles; he utters the most dreadful oaths because Thomas +has not arrived with the Harvey Sauce; Peter comes +tumbling with the water-jug over Jeames, who is bringing +'the glittering canisters with bread.' Whenever Shindy +enters the room (such is the force of character), every +table is deserted, every gentleman must dine as he best +may, and all those big footmen are in terror. + +He makes his account of it. He scolds, and is better +waited upon in consequence. At the Club he has ten +servants scudding about to do his bidding. + +Poor Mrs. Shindy and the children are, meanwhile, in +dingy lodgings somewhere, waited upon by a charity-girl +in pattens. + + + +CHAPTER XLII + +CLUB SNOBS + +Every well-bred English female will sympathize with the +subject of the harrowing tale, the history of Sackville +Maine, I am now about to recount. The pleasures of Clubs +have been spoken of: let us now glance for a moment at +the dangers of those institutions, and for this purpose I +must introduce you to my young acquaintance, Sackville +Maine. + +It was at a ball at the house of my respected friend, +Mrs. Perkins, that I was introduced to this gentleman and +his charming lady. Seeing a young creature before me in +a white dress, with white satin shoes; with a pink +ribbon, about a yard in breadth, flaming out as she +twirled in a polka in the arms of Monsieur de Springbock, +the German diplomatist; with a green wreath on her head, +and the blackest hair this individual set eyes on-- +seeing, I say, before me a charming +young woman whisking beautifully in a beautiful dance, +and presenting, as she wound and wound round the room, +now a full face, then a three-quarter face, then a +profile--a face, in fine, which in every way you saw it, +looked pretty, and rosy, and happy, I felt (as I trust) a +not unbecoming curiosity regarding the owner of this +pleasant countenance, and asked Wagley (who was standing +by, in conversation with an acquaintance) who was the +lady in question? + +'Which?' says Wagley. + +'That one with the coal-black eyes,' I replied. + +'Hush!' says he; and the gentleman with whom he was +talking moved off, with rather a discomfited air. + +When he was gone Wagley burst out laughing. 'COAL-BLACK +eyes!' said he; 'you've just hit it. That's Mrs. +Sackville Maine, and that was her husband who just went +away. He's a coal-merchant, Snob my boy, and I have no +doubt Mr. Perkins's Wallsends are supplied from his +wharf. He is in a flaming furnace when he hears coals +mentioned. He and his wife and his mother are very proud +of Mrs. Sackville's family; she was a Miss Chuff, +daughter of Captain Chuff, R.N. That is the widow; that +stout woman in crimson tabinet, battling about the odd +trick with old Mr. Dumps, at the card-table.' + +And so, in fact, it was. Sackville Maine (whose name is +a hundred times more elegant, surely, than that of Chuff) +was blest with a pretty wife, and a genteel mother-in- +law, both of whom some people may envy him. + +Soon after his marriage the old lady was good enough to +come and pay him a visit--just for a fortnight--at his +pretty little cottage, Kennington Oval; and, such is her +affection for the place, has never quitted it these four +years. She has also brought her son, Nelson Collingwood +Chuff, to live with her; but he is not so much at home as +his mamma, going as a day-boy to Merchant Taylors' +School, where he is getting a sound classical education. + +If these beings, so closely allied to his wife, and so +justly dear to her, may be considered as drawbacks to +Maine's happiness, what man is there that has not some +things in life to complain of? And when I first knew Mr. +Maine, no man seemed more comfortable than he. His +cottage was a picture of elegance and comfort; his table +and cellar were excellently and neatly supplied. There +was every enjoyment, but no ostentation. The omnibus +took him to business of a morning; the boat brought him +back to the happiest of homes, where he would while away +the long evenings by reading out the fashionable novels +to the ladies as they worked; or accompany his wife on +the flute (which he played elegantly); or in any one of +the hundred pleasing and innocent amusements of the +domestic circle. Mrs. Chuff covered the drawing-rooms +with prodigious tapestries, the work of her hands. Mrs. +Sackville had a particular genius for making covers of +tape or network for these tapestried cushions. She could +make home-made wines. She could make preserves and +pickles. She had an album, into which, during the time +of his courtship, Sackville Maine bad written choice +scraps of Byron's and Moore's poetry, analogous to his +own situation, and in a fine mercantile hand. She had a +large manuscript receipt-book--every quality, in a word, +which indicated a virtuous and well-bred English female +mind. + +'And as for Nelson Collingwood,' Sackville would say, +laughing, 'we couldn't do without him in the house. If +he didn't spoil the tapestry we should be 'over-cushioned +in a few months; and whom could we get but him to drink +Laura's home-made wine?' The truth is, the gents who +came from the City to dine at the 'Oval' could not be +induced to drink it--in which fastidiousness, I myself, +when I grew to be intimate with the family, confess that +I shared. + +'And yet, sir, that green ginger has been drunk by some +of England's proudest heroes,' Mrs. Chuff would exclaim. +'Admiral Lord Exmouth tasted and praised it, sir, on +board Captain Chuff's ship, the "Nebuchadnezzar," 74, at +Algiers; and he had three dozen with turn in the +"Pitchfork" frigate, a part of which was served +out to the men before he went into his immortal action +with the "Furibonde," Captain Choufleur, in the Gulf of +Panama.' + +All this, though the old dowager told us the story every +day when the wine was produced, never served to get rid +of any quantity of it--and the green ginger, though it +had fired British tars for combat and victory, was not to +the taste of us peaceful and degenerate gents of modern +times. + +I see Sackville now, as on the occasion when, presented +by Wagley, I paid my first visit to him. It was in July- +-a Sunday afternoon--Sackville Maine was coming from +church, with his wife on one arm, and his mother-ill-law +(in red tabinet, as usual,) on the other. A half-grown, +or hobbadehoyish footman, so to speak, walked after them, +carrying their shining golden prayer-books--the ladies +had splendid parasols with tags and fringes. Mrs. +Chuff's great gold watch, fastened to her stomach, +gleamed there like a ball of fire. Nelson Collingwood +was in the distance, shying stones at an old horse on +Kennington Common. 'Twas on that verdant spot we met-- +nor can I ever forget the majestic courtesy of Mrs. +Chuff, as she remembered having had the pleasure of +seeing me at Mrs. Perkins's--nor the glance of scorn +which she threw at an unfortunate gentleman who was +preaching an exceedingly desultory discourse to a +sceptical audience of omnibus-cads and nurse-maids, on a +tub, as we passed by. 'I cannot help it, sir,' says she; +'I am the widow of an officer of Britain's Navy: I was +taught to honour my Church and my King: and I cannot bear +a Radical or a Dissenter.' + +With these fine principles I found Sackville Maine +impressed. 'Wagley,' said he, to my introducer, 'if no +better engagement, why shouldn't self and friend dine at +the "Oval?" Mr. Snob, sir, the mutton's coming off the +spit at this very minute. Laura and Mrs. Chuff' (he said +LAURAR and Mrs. Chuff; but I hate people who make remarks +on these peculiarities of pronunciation,) 'will be most +happy to see you; and I can promise you a hearty welcome, +and as good a glass of port-wine as any in England.' + +'This is better than dining at the "Sarcophagus,"' thinks +I to myself, at which Club Wagley and I had intended to +take our meal; and so we accepted the kindly invitation, +whence arose afterwards a considerable intimacy. + +Everything about this family and house was so good- +natured, comfortable, and well-conditioned, that a cynic +would have ceased to growl there. Mrs. Laura was all +graciousness and smiles, and looked to as great advantage +in her pretty morning-gown as in her dress-robe at Mrs. +Perkins's. Mrs. Chuff fired off her stories about the +'Nebuchadnezzar,' 74, the action between the 'Pitchfork' +and the 'Furibonde'--the heroic resistance of Captain +Choufleur, and the quantity of snuff he took, &c. &c.; +which, as they were heard for the first time, were +pleasanter than I have subsequently found them. +Sackville Maine was the best of hosts. He agreed in +everything everybody said, altering his opinions without +the slightest reservation upon the slightest possible +contradiction. He was not one of those beings who would +emulate a Schonbein or Friar Bacon, or act the part of an +incendiary towards the Thames, his neighbour--but a good, +kind, simple, honest, easy fellow--in love with his wife- +-well disposed to all the world--content with himself, +content even with his mother-in-law. Nelson Collingwood, +I remember, in the course of the evening, when whisky- +and-water was for some reason produced, grew a little +tipsy. This did not in the least move Sackville's +equanimity. 'Take him upstairs, Joseph,' said he to the +hobbadehoy, 'and--Joseph--don't tell his mamma.' + +What could make a man so happily disposed, unhappy? What +could cause discomfort, bickering, and estrangement in a +family so friendly and united? Ladies, it was not my +fault--it was Mrs. Chuff's doing--but the rest of the +tale you shall have on a future day. + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + +CLUB SNOBS + +The misfortune which befell the simple and good-natured +young Sackville, arose entirely from that abominable +'Sarcophagus Club;' and that he ever entered it was +partly the fault of the present writer. + +For seeing Mrs. Chuff, his mother-in-law, had a taste for +the genteel--(indeed, her talk was all about Lord +Collingwood, Lord Gambier, Sir Jahaleel Brenton, and the +Gosport and Plymouth balls)--Wagley and I, according to +our wont, trumped her conversation, and talked about +Lords, Dukes, Marquises, and Baronets, as if those +dignitaries were our familiar friends. + +'Lord Sextonbury,' says I, 'seems to have recovered her +ladyship's death. He and the Duke were very jolly over +their wine at the "Sarcophagus" last night; weren't they, +Wagley?' + +'Good fellow, the Duke,' Wagley replied. 'Pray, ma'am' +(to Mrs. Chuff), 'you who know the world and etiquette, +will you tell me what a man ought to do in my case? Last +June, his Grace, his son Lord Castlerampant, Tom Smith, +and myself were dining at the Club, when I offered the +odds against DADDYLONGLEGS for the Derby--forty to one, +in sovereigns only. His Grace took the bet, and of +course I won. He has never paid me. Now, can I ask such a +great man for a sovereign?--One more lump of sugar, if +you please, my dear madam.' + +It was lucky Wagley gave her this opportunity to elude +the question, for it prostrated the whole worthy family +among whom we were. They telegraphed each other with +wondering eyes. Mrs. Chuff's stories about the naval +nobility grew quite faint and kind little Mrs. Sackville +became uneasy, and went upstairs to look at the children- +-not at that young monster, Nelson Collingwood, who was +sleeping off the whisky-and-water--but at a couple of +little ones who had made their appearance at dessert, and +of whom she and Sackville were the happy parents. + +The end of this and subsequent meetings with Mr. Maine +was, that we proposed and got him elected as a member of +the 'Sarcophagus Club.' + +It was not done without a deal of opposition--the secret +having been whispered that the candidate was a coal- +merchant. You may be sure some of the proud people and +most of the parvenus of the Club were ready to blackball +him. We combated this opposition sucessfully, however. +We pointed out to the parvenus that the Lambtons and the +Stuarts sold coals: we mollified the proud by accounts of +his good birth, good nature, and good behaviour; and +Wagley went about on the day of election, describing with +great eloquence, the action between the 'Pitchfork' and +the 'Furibonde,' and the valour of Captain Maine, our +friend's father. There was a slight mistake in the +narrative; but we carried our man, with only a trifling +sprinkling of black beans in the boxes: Byles's, of +course, who blackballs everybody: and Bung's, who looks +down upon a coal-merchant, having himself lately retired +from the wine-trade. + +Some fortnight afterwards I saw Sackville Maine under the +following circumstances:-- + +He was showing the Club to his family. He had 'brought +them thither in the light-blue fly, waiting at the Club +door; with Mrs. Chuff's hobbadehoy footboy on the box, by +the side of the flyman, in a sham livery. Nelson +Collingwood; pretty Mrs. Sackville; Mrs. Captain Chuff +(Mrs. Commodore Chuff we call her), were all there; the +latter, of course, in the vermilion tabinet, which, +splendid as it is, is nothing in comparison to the +splendour of the 'Sarcophagus.' The delighted Sackville +Maine was pointing out the beauties of the place to them. +It seemed as beautiful as Paradise to that little party. + +The 'Sarcophagus' displays every known variety of +architecture and decoration. The great library is +Elizabethan; the small library is pointed Gothic; the +dining-room is severe Doric; the strangers' room has an +Egyptian look; the drawing-rooms are Louis Quatorze (so +called because the hideous ornanents displayed were used +in the time of Louis Quinze); the CORTILE, or hall, is +Morisco-Italian. It is all over marble, maplewood, +looking-glasses, arabesques, ormolu, and scagliola. +Scrolls, ciphers, dragons, Cupids, polyanthuses, and +other flowers writhe up the walls in every kind of +cornucopiosity. Fancy every gentleman in Jullien's band +playing with all his might, and each performing a +different tune; the ornaments at our Club, the +'Sarcophagus,' so bewilder and affect me. Dazzled with +emotions which I cannot describe, and which she dared not +reveal, Mrs. Chuff, followed by her children and son-in- +law, walked wondering amonst these blundering splendours. + +In the great library (225 feet long by 150) the only man +Mrs. Chuff saw, was Tiggs. He was lying on a crimson- +velvet sofa, reading a French novel of Paul de Kock. It +was a very little book. He is a very little man. In +that enormous hall he looked like a mere speck. As the +ladies passed breathless and trembling in the vastness of +the magnificent solitude, he threw a knowing, killing +glance at the fair strangers, as much as to say, 'Ain't I +a fine fellow?' They thought so, I am sure. + +'WHO IS THAT?,' hisses out Mrs. Chuff, when we were about +fifty yards off him at the other end of the room. + +'Tiggs!' says I, in a similar whisper. + +'Pretty comfortable this, isn't it, my dear?' says Maine +in a free-and-easy way to Mrs. Sackville; all the +magazines, you see--writing materials--new works--choice +library, containing every work of importance--what have +we here?--"Dugdale's Monasticon,' a most valuable and, I +believe, entertaining book.' + +And proposing to take down one of the books for Mrs. +Maine's inspection, he selected Volume VII., to which he +was attracted by the singular fact that a brass door- +handle grew out of the back. Instead of pulling out a +book, however, he pulled open a cupboard, only inhabited +by a lazy housemaid's broom and duster, at which he +looked exceedingly discomfited ; while Nelson +Collingwood, losing all respect, burst into a roar of +laughter. + +'That's the rummest book I ever saw,' says Nelson. 'I +wish we'd no others at Merchant Taylors'.' + +'Hush, Nelson!' cries Mrs. Chuff, and we went into the +other magnificent apartments. + +How they did admire the drawing-room hangings, (pink and +silver brocade, most excellent wear for London,) and +calculated the price per yard; and revelled on the +luxurious sofas; and gazed on the immeasurable looking- +glasses. + +'Pretty well to shave by, eh?' says Maine to his mother- +in-law. (He was getting more abominably conceited every +minute.) 'Get away, Sackville,' says she, quite +delighted, and threw a glance over her shoulder, and +spread out the wings of the red tabinet, and took a good +look at herself; so did Mrs. Sackville--just one, and I +thought the glass reflected a very smiling, pretty +creature. + +But what's a woman at a looking-glass? Bless the little +dears, it's their place. They fly to it naturally. It +pleases them, and they adorn it. What I like to see, and +watch with increasing joy and adoration, is the Club MEN +at the great looking-glasses. Old Gills pushing up his +collars and grinning at his own mottled face. Hulker +looking solemnly at his great person, and tightening his +coat to give himself a waist. Fred Minchin simpering by +as he is going out to dine, and casting upon the +reflection of his white neckcloth a pleased moony smile. +What a deal of vanity that Club mirror has reflected, to +be sure! + +Well, the ladies went through the whole establishment +with perfect pleasure. They beheld the coffee-rooms, and +the little tables laid for dinner, and the gentlemen who +were taking their lunch, and old Jawkins thundering away +as usual; they saw the reading-rooms, and the rush for +the evening papers; they saw the kitchens--those wonders +of art--where the CHEF was presiding over twenty pretty +kitchen-maids, and ten thousand shining saucepans: and +they got into the light-blue fly perfectly bewildered +with pleasure. + +Sackville did not enter it, though little Laura took the +back seat on purpose, and left him the front place +alongside of Mrs. Chuff's red tabinet. + +'We have your favourite dinner,' says she, in a timid +voice; 'won't you come, Sackville?' + +'I shall take a chop here to-day, my dear,' Sackville +replied. 'Home, James.' And he went up the steps of the +'Sarcophagus,' and the pretty face looked very sad out of +the carriage, as the blue fly drove away. + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + +CLUB SNOBS + +Why--Why did I and Wagley ever do so cruel an action as +to introduce young Sackville Maine into that odious +'Sarcophagus'? Let our imprudence and his example be a +warning to other gents; let his fate and that of his poor +wife be remembered by every British female. The +consequences of his entering the Club were as follows:-- + +One of the first vices the unhappy wretch acquired in +this abode of frivolity was that of SMOKING. Some of the +dandies of the Club, such as the Marquis of Macabaw, Lord +Doodeen, and fellows of that high order, are in the habit +of indulging in this propensity upstairs in the billiard- +rooms of the 'Sarcophagus'-- and, partly to make their +acquaintance, partly from a natural aptitude for crime, +Sackville Maine followed them, and became an adept in the +odious custom. Where it is introduced into a family I +need not say how sad the consequences are, both to the +furniture and the morals. Sackville smoked in his +dining-room at home, and caused an agony to his wife and +mother-in-law which I do not venture to describe. + +He then became a professed BILLIARD-PLAYER, wasting hours +upon hours at that amusement; betting freely, playing +tolerably, losing awfully to Captain Spot and Col. +Cannon. He played matches of a hundred games with these +gentlemen, and would not only continue until four or five +o'clock in the morning at this work, but would be found +at the Club of a forenoon, indulging himself to the +detriment of his business, the ruin of his health, and +the neglect of his wife. + +>From billiards to whist is but a step--and when a man +gets to whist and five pounds on a rubber, my opinion is, +that it is all up with him. How was the coal business to +go on, and the connection of the firm to be kept up, and +the senior partner always at the card-table? + +Consorting now with genteel persons and Pall Mall bucks, +Sackville became ashamed of his snug little residence in +Kennington Oval, and transported his family to Pimlico, +where, though Mrs. Chuff, his mother-in-law, was at first +happy, as the quarter was elegant and near her Sovereign, +poor little Laura and the children found a woful +difference. Where were her friends who came in with +their work of a morning?--At Kennington and in the +vicinity of Clapham. 'Where were her children's little +playmates?--On Kennington Common. The great thundering +carriages that roared up and down the drab-coloured +streets of the new quarter, contained no friends for the +sociable little Laura. The children that paced the +squares, attended by a BONNE or a prim governess, were +not like those happy ones that flew kites, or played hop- +scotch, on the well-beloved old Common. And ah! what a +difference at Church too!--between St. Benedict's of +Pimlico, with open seats, service in sing-song--tapers -- +albs--surplices--garlands and processions, and the honest +old ways of Kennington! The footmen, too, attending St. +Benedict's were so splendid and enormous, that James, +Mrs. Chuff's boy, trembled amongst them, and said he +would give warning rather than carry the books to that +church any more. + +The furnishing of the house was not done without expense. + +And, ye gods! what a difference there was between +Sackville's dreary French banquets in Pimlico, and the +jolly dinners at the Oval! No more legs-of-mutton, no +more of 'the best port-wine in England;' but ENTREES on +plate, and dismal twopenny champagne, and waiters in +gloves, and the Club bucks for company--among whom Mrs. +Chuff was uneasy and Mrs. Sackville quite silent. + +Not that he dined at home often. The wretch had become a +perfect epicure, and dined commonly at the Club with the +gormandising clique there; with old Doctor Maw, Colonel +Cramley (who is as lean as a greyhound and has jaws like +a jack), and the rest of them. Here you might see the +wretch tippling Sillery champagne and gorging himself +with French viands; and I often looked with sorrow from +my table, (on which cold meat, the Club small-beer, and a +half-pint of Marsala form the modest banquet,) and sighed +to think it was my work. + +And there were other beings present to my repentant +thoughts. Where's his wife, thought I? Where's poor, +good, kind little Laura? At this very moment--it's about +the nursery bed-time, and while yonder good-for-nothing +is swilling his wine--the little ones are at Laura's +knees lisping their prayers: and she is teaching them to +say--'Pray God bless Papa.' + +When she has put them to bed, her day's occupation is +gone; and she is utterly lonely all night, and sad, and +waiting for him. + +Oh, for shame! Oh, for shame! Go home, thou idle +tippler. + +How Sackville lost his health : how he lost his business; +how he got into scrapes; how he got into debt; how he +became a railroad director; how the Pimlico house was +shut up; how he went to Boulogne,--all this I could tell, +only I am too much ashamed of my part of the transaction. +They returned to England, because, to the surprise of +everybody, Mrs. Chuff came down with a great sum of money +(which nobody knew she had saved), and paid his +liabilities. He is in England; but at Kennington. His +name is taken off the books of the 'Sarcophagus' long +ago. When we meet, he crosses over to the other side of +the street; I don't call, as I should be sorry to see a +look of reproach or sadness in Laura's sweet face. + +Not, however, all evil, as I am proud to think, has been +the influence of the Snob of England upon Clubs in +general:--Captain Shindy is afraid to bully the waiters +any more, and eats his mutton-chop without moving +Acheron. Gobemouche does not take more than two papers +at a time for his private reading. Tiggs does not ring +the bell and cause the library-waiter to walk about a +quarter of a mile in order to give him Vol. II., which +lies on the next table. Growler has ceased to walk from +table to table in the coffee-room, and inspect what +people are having for dinner. Trotty Veck takes his own +umbrella from the hall--the cotton one; and Sydney +Scraper's paletot lined with silk has been brought back +by Jobbins, who entirely mistook it for his own. Wiggle +has discontinued telling stories about the ladies he has +killed. Snooks does not any more think it gentlemanlike +to blackball attorneys. Snuffler no longer publicly +spreads out his great red cotton pocket-handkerchief +before the fire, for the admiration of two hundred +gentlemen; and if one Club Snob has been brought back to +the paths of rectitude, and if one poor John has been +spared a journey or a scolding--say, friends and brethren +if these sketches of Club Snobs have been in vain? + + + +CONCLUDING OBSERVATIONS ON SNOBS + +How it is that we have come to No. 45 of this present +series of papers, my dear friends and brother Snobs, I +hardly know--but for a whole mortal year have we been +together, prattling, and abusing the human race; and were +we to live for a hundred years more, I believe there is +plenty of subject for conversation in the enormous theme +of Snobs. + +The national mind is awakened to the subject. Letters +pour in every day, conveying marks of sympathy; directing +the attention of the Snob of England to races of Snobs +yet undescribed. 'Where are your Theatrical Snobs; your +Commercial Snobs; your Medical and Chirurgical Snobs; +your Official Snobs; your Legal Snobs; your Artistical +Snobs; your Musical Snobs; your Sporting Snobs?' write my +esteemed correspondents. 'Surely you are not going to +miss the Cambridge Chancellor election, and omit showing +up your Don Snobs, who are coming, cap in hand, to a +young Prince of six-and-twenty, and to implore him to be +the chief of their renowned University?' writes a friend +who seals with the signet of the Cam and Isis Club. +'Pray, pray,' cries another, 'now the Operas are opening, +give us a lecture about Omnibus Snobs.' Indeed, I should +like to write a chapter about the Snobbish Dons very +much, and another about the Snobbish Dandies. Of my dear +Theatrical Snobs I think with a pang; and I can hardly +break away from some Snobbish artists, with whom I have +long, long intended to have a palaver. + +But what's the use of delaying? When these were done +there would be fresh Snobs to pourtray. The labour is +endless. No single man could complete it. Here are but +fifty-two bricks--and a pyramid to build. It is best to +stop. As Jones always quits the room as soon as he has +said his good thing,--as Cincinnatus and General +Washington both retired into private life in the height +of their popularity,--as Prince Albert, when he laid the +first stone of the Exchange, left the bricklayers to +complete that edifice and went home to his royal dinner,- +-as the poet Bunn comes forward at the end of the season, +and with feelings too tumultuous to describe, blesses his +KYIND friends over the footlights: so, friends, in the +flush of conquest and the splendour of victory, amid the +shouts and the plaudits of a people--triumphant yet +modest--the Snob of England bids ye farewell. + +But only for a season. Not for ever. No, no. There is +one celebrated author whom I admire very much--who has +been taking leave of the public any time these ten years +in his prefaces, and always comes back again when +everybody is glad to see him. How can he have the heart +to be saying good-bye so often? I believe that Bunn is +affected when he blesses the people. Parting is always +painful. Even the familiar bore is dear to you. I +should be sorry to shake hands even with Jawkins for the +last time. I think a well-constituted convict, on coming +home from transportation, ought to be rather sad when he +takes leave of Van Diemen's Land. When the curtain goes +down on the last night of a pantomime, poor old clown +must be very dismal, depend on it. Ha! with what joy he +rushes forward on the evening of the 26th of December +next, and says--'How are you?--Here we are!' But I am +growing too sentimental:--to return to the theme. + +THE NATIONAL MIND IS AWAKENED TO THE SUBJECT OF SNOBS. +The word Snob has taken a place in our honest English +vocabulary. We can't define it, perhaps. We can't say +what it is, any more than we can define wit, or humour, +or humbug; but we KNOW what it is. Some weeks since, +happening to have the felicity to sit next to a young +lady at a hospitable table, where poor old Jawkins was +holding forth in a very absurd pompous manner, I wrote +upon the spotless damask 'S--B,' and called my +neighbour's attention to the little remark. + +That young lady smiled. She knew it at once. Her mind +straightway filled up the two letters concealed by +apostrophic reserve, and I read in her assenting eyes +that she knew Jawkins was a Snob. You seldom get them to +make use of the word as yet, it is true; but it is +inconceivable how pretty an expression their little +smiling mouths assume when they speak it out. If any +young lady doubts, just let her go up to her own room, +look at herself steadily in the glass, and say 'Snob.' +If she tries this simple experiment, my life for it, she +will smile, and own that the word becomes her mouth +amazingly. A pretty little round word, all composed of +soft letters, with a hiss at the beginning, just to make +it piquant, as it were. + +Jawkins, meanwhile, went on blundering, and bragging and +boring, quite unconsciously. And so he will, no doubt, +go on roaring and braying, to the end of time or at least +so long as people will hear him. You cannot alter the +nature of men and Snobs by any force of satire; as, by +laying ever so many stripes on a donkey's back, you can't +turn him into a zebra. + +But we can warn the neighbourhood that the person whom +they and Jawkins admire is an impostor. We apply the +Snob test to him, and try whether he is conceited and a +quack, whether pompous and lacking humility--whether +uncharitable and proud of his narrow soul? How does he +treat a great man--how regard a small one? How does he +comport himself in the presence of His Grace the Duke; +and how in that of Smith the tradesman? + +And it seems to me that all English society is cursed by +this mammoniacal superstition; and that we are sneaking +and bowing and cringing on the one hand, or bullying and +scorning on the other, from the lowest to the highest. +My wife speaks with great circumspection--'proper pride,' +she calls it--to our neighbour the tradesman's lady: and +she, I mean Mrs. Snob,--Eliza--would give one of her eyes +to go to Court, as her cousin, the Captain's wife, did. +She, again, is a good soul, but it costs her agonies to +be obliged to confess that we live in Upper Thompson +Street, Somers Town. And though I believe in her heart +Mrs. Whiskerington is fonder of us than of her cousins, +the Smigsmags, you should hear how she goes on prattling +about Lady Smigsmag,--and 'I said to Sir John, my dear +John;' and about the Smigsmags' house and parties in Hyde +Park Terrace. + +Lady Smigsmag, when she meets Eliza,--who is a sort of a +kind of a species of a connection of the family, pokes +out one finger, which my wife is at liberty to embrace in +the most cordial manner she can devise. But oh, you +should see her ladyship's behaviour on her first-chop +dinner-party days, when Lord and Lady Longears come! + +I can bear it no longer--this diabolical invention of +gentility which kills natural kindliness and honest +friendship. Proper pride, indeed! Rank and precedence, +forsooth! The table of ranks and degrees is a lie, and +should be flung into the fire. Organize rank and +precedence! that was well for the masters of ceremonies +of former ages. Come forward, some great marshal, and +organize Equality in society, and your rod shall swallow +up all the juggling old court goldsticks. If this is not +gospel-truth--if the world does not tend to this--if +hereditary-great-man worship is not a humbug and an +idolatry--let us have the Stuarts back again, and crop +the Free Press's ears in the pillory. + +If ever our cousins, the Smigsmags, asked me to meet Lord +Longears, I would like to take an opportunity after +dinner and say, in the most good-natured way in the +world:--Sir, Fortune makes you a present of a number of +thousand pounds every year. The ineffable wisdom of our +ancestors has placed you as a chief and hereditary +legislator over me. Our admirable Constitution (the +pride of Britons and envy of surrounding nations) obliges +me to receive you as my senator, superior, and guardian. +Your eldest son, Fitz-Heehaw, is sure of a place in +Parliament; your younger sons, the De Brays, will kindly +condescend to be post-captains and lieutenants-colonels, +and to represent us in foreign courts or to take a good +living when it falls convenient. These prizes our +admirable Constitution (the pride and envy of, &c.) +pronounces to be your due: without count of your dulness, +your vices, your selfishness; or your entire incapacity +and folly. Dull as you may be (and we have as good a +right to assume that my lord is an ass, as the other +proposition, that he is an enlightened patriot);--dull, I +say, as you may be, no one will accuse you of such +monstrous folly, as to suppose that you are indifferent +to the good luck which you possess, or have any +inclination to part with it. No--and patriots as we are, +under happier circumstances, Smith and I, I have no +doubt, were we dukes ourselves, would stand by our order. + +We would submit good-naturedly to sit in a high place. +We would acquiesce in that admirable Constitution (pride +and envy of, &c.) which made us chiefs and the world our +inferiors; we would not cavil particularly at that notion +of hereditary superiority which brought many simple +people cringing to our knees. May be we would rally +round the Corn-Laws; we would make a stand against the +Reform Bill; we would die rather than repeal the Acts +against Catholics and Dissenters; we would, by our noble +system of class-legislation, bring Ireland to its present +admirable condition. + +But Smith and I are not Earls as yet. 'We don't believe +that it is for the interest of Smith's army that De Bray +should be a Colonel at five-and-twenty, of Smith's +diplomatic relations that Lord Longears should go +Ambassador to Constantinople,--of our politics, that +Longears should put his hereditary foot into them. + +This bowing and cringing Smith believes to be the act of +Snobs; and he will do all in his might and main to be a +Snob and to submit to Snobs no longer. To Longears he +says, 'We can't help seeing, Longears, that we are as +good as you. We can spell even better; can think quite +as rightly; we will not have you for our master, or black +your shoes any more. Your footmen do it, but they are +paid; and the fellow who comes to get a list of the +company when you give a banquet or a dancing breakfast at +Longueoreille House, gets money from the newspapers for +performing that service. But for us, thank you for +nothing, Longears my boy, and we don't wish to pay you +any more than we owe. We will take off our hats to +Wellington because he is Wellington; but to you--who are +you?" + +I am sick of COURT CIRCULARS. I loathe HAUT-TON +intelligence. I believe such words as Fashionable, +Exclusive, Aristocratic, and the like, to be wicked, +unchristian epithets, that ought to be banished from +honest vocabularies. A Court system that sends men of +genius to the second table, I hold to be a Snobbish +system. A society that sets up to be polite, and ignores +Arts and Letters, I hold to be a Snobbish society. You, +who despise your neighbour, are a Snob; you, who forget +your own friends, meanly to follow after those of a +higher degree, are a Snob; you, who are ashamed of your +poverty, and blush for your calling, are a Snob; as are +you who boast of your pedigree, or are proud of your +wealth. + +To laugh at such is MR. PUNCH'S business. May he laugh +honestly, hit no foul blow, and tell the truth when at +his very broadest grin--never forgetting that if Fun is +good, Truth is still better, and Love best of all. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Book of Snobs, by Thackeray + |