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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+May 20, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, May 20, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: October 4, 2008 [EBook #26769]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 104, MAY 20TH 1893
+
+edited by Sir Francis Burnand
+
+
+
+
+OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE.
+
+Another Show! A splendid Imperial Show! Magnificent weather! Real
+QUEEN'S weather, and consequently a big success. The grandeur, the
+solidarity of the British Empire--[&c., &c. *.* _Editor regrets
+that for lack of space he is compelled to omit the remainder of this
+remarkably fine panegyric. He suggests to Author that it would come
+out well in pamphlet form, price one shilling, or it might be given
+away with a pound of Indian tea._--ED.] Obedient to the call of duty I
+was myself present as one of the 'umblest of the distinguished guests
+assembled to welcome Her Imperial MAJESTY on this auspicious occasion.
+It was my good fortune to be immediately in front of a charming Young
+Lady and her delightful Grandmother. The latter was a trifle deaf, and
+her Granddaughter being a wonderfully well-informed young lady, I had
+quite an enjoyable time of it; as had also my neighbours, though I
+regret to say that some of them after the first three-quarters of an
+hour seemed rather to resent the gratuitous information given with
+astonishing volubility by the amiable Young Lady to her confiding
+relative. For example, up came his Grace the Archbishop of CANTERBURY.
+"That's the LORD CHANCELLOR," our well-informed Young Lady told her
+Grandmother. Much cheering greets Lord SALISBURY. "That's General
+ROBERTS," said the Young Lady, adding, as if rather doubting her own
+accuracy, "though why he wears a naval uniform I am unable to say."
+It didn't matter; her Grandmother was equally pleased. "Which is Mr.
+GLADSTONE?" asked the Old Lady. The Young Lady used her opera-glass.
+"I don't see him," she returned slowly. "Of course he can't be in
+a turban. I know he has no whiskers or moustache--ah! there he
+is!--there, talking to Sir EDWARD LEIGHTON!" She hadn't got even the
+Christian names correct. I looked in the direction she had indicated
+and saw Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT in close proximity to Sir RICHARD TEMPLE.
+But why should I turn and dispel the harmless illusion? Was it for me
+to bring discord into a family, and cause the Granddaughter to be cut
+out of the Grandmother's will? Never! So, "from information received,"
+the Old Lady went on implicitly believing in her informant,
+and treasuring up the particulars for the benefit of her other
+Grandchildren. "Lord ROBERTS is somewhere here," observed the Young
+Lady, sweeping the horizon (so to speak, with apologies to "the
+horizon") with her _lorgnette_. "Oh, I should like to see _him_!"
+exclaimed the Old Lady, enthusiastically. "Where is he?" "Oh,
+I think--" replied the Granddaughter, hesitatingly, "I rather--think
+--I've only seen him once--but--oh yes," she added, with wonderful
+confidence on finding she was commanding an interested audience of
+simple neighbours--"Oh yes--there--in a General's uniform,--he has
+just come in--and he is looking for his place,"--and, following
+guidance, I, too, craned forward, and was rewarded by catching a
+glimpse of Mr. FREDERICK GORDON, Chairman of the Grand Hotels Co.,
+Limited, who was good enough to salute me with that air of conscious
+power which becomes part and parcel of a man who has the command of
+countless battalions in waiting. Encouraged by this incident (for I
+had not rounded on her and said, "that is _not_ Lord ROBERTS") the
+Young Lady urged on her mistaken career more wildly than ever. She
+pointed out the wrong Princess MAY, the Duke of FIFE became H.R.H.
+the Duke of YORK, the TECKS were the MECKLENBURG-STRELITZES, the
+Gentlemen-at-Arms were dismounted Chelsea Pensioners in Court dress;
+the Chinese ladies were Japanese (for they couldn't get even these
+correct,--and of course these Orientals are most correct), and
+finally, looking up to the gallery where the Orchestra was, she
+crowned the edifice by loudly announcing that Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN was
+Sir ARTHUR BALFOUR, and added that he was only performing his official
+duty as Leader of the House of Commons. "Then," asked the simple Old
+Lady, "are the musicians all obliged to be Members of Parliament?" Her
+Granddaughter was equal to the occasion, and answered unhesitatingly,
+"Yes, dear, _all_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A Legal Conveyance."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After this, what was the show! Everybody was somebody else. Only the
+QUEEN and the PRINCE were beyond the power of error. She found them
+out at once. She was enthusiastic about the distinctness of the
+PRINCE's voice in reading the Address, and she bent forward so as
+not to lose a syllable of the QUEEN's gracious reply. She explained
+everything wrong. A few ladies looked at her, mutely beseeching some
+respite for their ears; would she only give herself ten minutes' rest?
+No--it was a great chance for the well-informed young woman, and she
+made the most of it. Even the heat didn't affect her. Processions
+might come, and processions might go, but like the babbling brook,
+she could and would "go on for ever." I have forgotten to add that
+she also knew how everyone arrived, and her Grandmother was much
+interested at hearing how Her Majesty's Judges all came in an omnibus,
+driven and conducted by eminent judicial functionaries.
+
+A grand show, "Abely worked by our Secretary," says Sir
+Early-Springs-and-SOMERS VINE, C.M.G., Assistant Secretary, and to
+both of them great praise is due. Now, then, to adapt the title of
+Lord LYTTON's novel, "_What will we do with it?_"
+
+THE MAN WHO WENT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+In the _Song of the Sword and Other Verses_, Mr. HENLEY incidentally
+asks, "What have I done for you, England, my England?" Since the
+question is put so pointedly, my Baronite, who has been looking
+through the little volume of verse, is bound to reply that, what Mr.
+HENLEY has done for England is to make it as ridiculous as is possible
+to a man with a limited audience. Mr. HENLEY has a pretty gift
+of versification, but it is spoiled by a wearisome proneness to
+smartness, and an assumption of personal superiority that occasionally
+reaches the heights of the ludicrous. If 'ARRY had been at the
+University, and had bent what he calls his mind upon verse-making,
+some of the truculent rhyme in this book is the sort of stuff he would
+have turned out. It seems at first hearing a far cry from 'ARRY to
+HENLEY. But the dispassionate reader, turning over these sulphurous
+leaves, will perceive deeply-rooted similarity in that narrowness of
+view, and that undisturbed consciousness that it alone is right, which
+distinguish the reflections, and are found in the observations, of
+'ARRY when he views society from his lower standpoint.
+
+[Illustration: "Le Sabre de mon père!"]
+
+Messrs. HUTCHINSON & Co. have published a _Book of Wise Sayings_, by
+W. A. CLOUSTON. Not that W. A. CLOUSTON said them all, or any of
+them, but he selected them. One fault has the Baron to find with the
+selecting collector, and that is that his references are incomplete.
+He affixes the name of the author to every wise saying, but as he
+does not give chapter and verse, it is impossible for the ordinary
+unlearned reader to ascertain when and where the wise saying was
+uttered. Perhaps this omission is wise on the part of Mr. CLOUSTON.
+However, here is a happy example for the time present:--
+
+            "Safe in thy breast close lock up thy intents,
+            For he that knows thy purpose best prevents."--_Randolph._
+
+Isn't that good? Isn't it "RANDOLPH" to the life? Is anyone quite
+certain as to the course our RANDOLPH will take?
+
+There are, too, quotations from "R. CHAMBERLAIN"--not from
+JOSEPH--with whose works the Baron is not so conversant as he might
+be. Saith R. CHAMBERLAIN:--
+
+    "A foolish man in wealth and authority is like a weak-timbered
+    house with a too-ponderous roof."--_R. Chamberlain._
+
+The Baron strongly recommends the study of this volume to Mr. OSCAR
+WILDE; it will save him hours of painful cogitation during the
+incubation of his next play.
+
+THE BARON DE B.-W. & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER HOME-RULE QUESTION.--Ulster objects. Ulster threatens. If Home
+Rule becomes the law of the land, the Ulstermen will resist _vi et
+armis_. Do they propose to set up an Opposition Sovereignty? If so,
+they have a monarch at hand with the very title to suit them. He is
+to be found at the Heralds' College, and he is the, _par excellence_,
+"Ulster King-at-Arms!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STAGE WHISPER AT WESTMINSTER.--The Comedy of Committee now tends
+towards becoming Mellor-drama.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NANA WOULD NOT GIVE ME A BOW-WOW!"
+
+A PRETTY LITTLE SONG FOR PETTISH LITTLE EMPERORS. (_Latest Teutonic
+Version of Mr. Joseph Tabrar's Popular Song._)
+
+REICHSTAG
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    [The German Emperor is reported to have said, "It was
+    impossible for me to anticipate the rejection of the Army
+    Bills, so fully did I rely upon the patriotism of the Imperial
+    Diet to accept them unreservedly. A patriotic minority
+    has been unable to prevail against the majority.... I was
+    compelled to resort to a dissolution, and I look forward to
+    the acceptance of the Bills by the new Reichstag. Should this
+    expectation be again disappointed, I am determined to use
+    every means in my power to achieve my purpose."--_The Times._]
+
+
+_Wilful Wilhelm sings_:--
+
+You ask me why I do not smile; the reason you shall know;
+  I had a disappointment huge a day or two ago;
+  I asked my venerable Nurse to give me no more toys,
+  But just a little Dog of War to bite the other boys.
+                  _Spoken._ But oh!
+      _Audience_ (_of Generals and Staff Officers_). What?
+  Nana wouldn't give me that bow-wow
+          Wow-wow!
+  The Reichstag wouldn't grant me that bow-wow!
+          Wow-wow!
+  No; she denied me--flat.
+  Now, what do you think of _that_?
+  And I'd set my mind on that bow-wow-wow!
+          Wow-wow-wow!
+
+  Some years ago she did the same, the greedy bad old girl!
+  But I've set my mind upon that dog, sharp teeth and coat a-curl.
+  The other boys have got such tykes, and I should be a mug,
+  If when they run to mastiffs I'm put off with a small pug.
+                  _Audience._ Well?
+                  _Spoken._  Well,
+  I mean to make her give me that bow-wow!
+          Wow-wow!
+  I'll worry her until she buys that bow-wow!
+          Wow-wow!
+    I'll dissolve the Imperial Diet,
+    And I never _will_ be quiet
+    Until I get that bow-wow-wow!
+          Wow-wow-wow!
+
+  I always meant when I grew old to do just as I pleased,
+  I'd have a dozen bow-wows then, and if the old Trot teased
+  I'd shut her up, and everyone who backed her, like a shot;
+  For no one who opposes Me _can_ be a pat-ri-ot!
+                    _Audience_. Why?
+                    _Spoken_. Because
+  France has got ahead with _her_ bow-wow!
+          Wow-wow!
+  Russia makes me jealous with _her_ bow-wow!
+          Wow-wow!
+    And now it is _my_ turn
+    To leave them well astern,
+    And I _can't_ without that bow-wow-wow!
+          Wow-wow-wow!
+
+  I didn't shake old BIZZY off to take CAPRIVI up,
+  To let my old Nurse thwart me in my longing for this pup.
+  'Tis true that I have other tykes, a pack of 'em indeed--
+  But what of that? I want one more, of this particular breed.
+                   _Audience._ Well?
+                   _Spoken._ Well,
+  I will, whatever happens, have this bow-wow!
+          Wow-wow!
+  I'll have it very soon, if not just now-now!
+          Wow-wow!
+    My purpose I'll achieve,
+    And the Reichstag never leave
+  Until I get possession of that bow-wow-wow!
+          Wow-wow-wow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF TITLE.--A recent speech by Mr. LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P.,
+on the Art of Cross-Examination has been called "deliciously frank."
+Henceforth, the genial Recorder of York is to be known as Mr.
+DELICIOUSLY FRANK LOCKWOOD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  A SOVEREIGN MAXIM.
+
+          He who risks the answer Nay,
+          When he asks he shall have MAY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.
+
+WHEN PERCHED ON THE BACK SEAT OF A FRIEND'S DOG-CART; CAN TAKE NO PART
+IN THE CONVERSATION, AND HAS TO DEVOTE HIMSELF TO STICKING ON!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN SHEFFIELD PARK.
+
+MONDAY, MAY 5, 1893.
+
+_First Match of the Australian Cricketers against Lord Sheffield's
+English Eleven._
+
+  In Sheffield Park, in budding May!
+  True English scene, true cricket day,
+  A generous host, and glorious play!
+          A date to mark!
+  A well-fought match, the Cornstalks' first!
+  A summer sun, a noble thirst!
+  The Season's on us with a burst,
+          In Sheffield Park!
+
+  The wondrous veteran W. G.,
+  At forty-five scores sixty-three!
+  (At sixty-three GRACE may we see
+          Score forty-five!)
+  Pleasant once more to have a peep
+  At those sharp eyes that never sleep,
+  Those bear's-paws that know how to keep
+          The game alive!
+
+  Safe SHREWSBURY and giant GUNN
+  At it once more! Oh Lords, what fun
+  To see them drive, and cut, and run!
+          A May-day lark
+  For elderly and paunchy lads!
+  Ah, Time his annual inches adds.
+  _We_ cannot buckle on the pads
+          In Sheffield Park!
+
+  Yet genuine pleasure still 'twill yield
+  To sit and watch, with noses peeled,
+  CONINGHAM smite and GREGORY field.
+          How's that, Sir! Hark!
+  Thanks to GRACE, SHREWSBURY, and GUNN,
+  LOCKWOOD and BRIGGS--what glorious fun!--
+  The first big match we've neatly won
+          In Sheffield Park!
+
+  Now for a wet after our roast!
+  Lords no, there is no call to boast!
+  But in Lord SHEFFIELD _what_ a host
+          Cricketers mark!
+  Who will forget that lovely day,
+  'Midst lovely scenery in mid-May,
+  Who had the luck to watch the play
+          In Sheffield Park!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+(EXETER) HALL RIGHT.--It is reported on the highest authority that
+Prince GEORGE has been recently engaged in May Meetings, and has
+expressed himself as having been extremely charmed and interested.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE POWER TO MISS COBBE!
+
+  "You say that you've a sovereign way
+    To end the placard pest;
+  Oh, Mistress COBBE, reveal it, pray,
+    And give my spirit rest!"
+
+  "You're very green, that may be seen,"
+    Th' aggressive dame did shout;
+  "The way to kill a noxious Bill
+    Is--just to throw it out.
+
+  "Mid hills, in towns,--that's not so bad,--
+    And in the quiet lane,
+  We let the advertising cad
+    Tyrannically reign.
+
+  "So in my walks I take a brush,
+    Also a watering-can,
+  And on the hideous foe I rush,
+    And that's _my_ little plan!
+
+  "Without compunction, without haste,
+    Though passers-by may stare,
+  I strip the paper from its paste,
+    And leave the fragments there."
+
+  "_That_ plan," I said, "I've never tried;
+    It shows, no doubt, devotion;
+  But is it legal?" She replied,
+    "_I've not the slightest notion!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAITING FOR THE PROCESSIONS.
+
+(_A Reminiscence of the Opening of the Imperial Institute._)
+
+    SCENE--_The Hyde Park South Road, opposite the Cavalry Barracks.
+    Closely-packed ranks of Sightseers have formed in front of the
+    long line of unharnessed carriages under the trees. Outside
+    this line the feebler folk, who invariably come on such
+    occasions, and never find the courage to trust themselves in
+    the crowd, are wistfully wandering, in the hope of procuring a
+    place by some miraculous interposition._
+
+_Lament of Feeble Females._ I _told_ you how it would be--not the
+_slightest_ use staying here!... _I_ can't see anything except a
+lamp-post and the top of a soldier's bearskin!... We might _just_ as
+well have stopped at home! (_Viciously._) Where all the people _come_
+from, _I_ don't know! I'm sure we were here early _enough_!
+
+_Comments by Feeble Males._ No--not much to be seen where we are,
+certainly, but--um--I don't know that we're likely to do better
+anywhere else.... Not the least good attempting to get in _there_.
+Well, we can _try_ lower down, of course, but it'll be just the same.
+They ought to arrange these things better!
+
+    [_They drift on discontentedly._
+
+_The Self-Helper_ (_squeezing between the wheels, and elbowing himself
+past the people who have been standing patiently there for hours_).
+By your leave--'ere, just allow me to pass, please. Thenk you. One
+moment, Mum. "No right to push in 'ere," 'aven't I? I've as much right
+as what _you_ 'ave. Think the ole Park b'longs to _you_, I suppose?
+You orter 'ave a space roped in a-purpose for you, _you_ ought! Tork
+about selfishness!
+
+    [_He arrives triumphantly in the foremost row, and obtains the
+    tolerance, if not the sympathy, of all who are not near enough
+    to be inconvenienced by his presence._
+
+    _Contented People in the Crowd._ Oh, we shall do well enough 'ere.
+They'll put their sunshades down when the QUEEN passes ... I can ketch
+a view between the 'eads like. And you don't get the sun under the
+trees ... Sha'n't have much longer to wait _now_. She'll be starting
+in another arf hour--(&c., &c.)
+
+_A Lady in a Landau_ (_to her husband_). I don't think we _could_ have
+done better, Horace--we shall see everything; and it's quite amusing
+to be close to the crowd, and hear their remarks--_much_ nicer than
+being in one of the Stands!
+
+    [_Her self-congratulations are cut short by the arrival of
+    three Humorous Artisans, who have taken a day off, and are in
+    the highest animal spirits._
+
+_Joe_ (_first Humorous Artisan_). You shove in first, BILL--push
+along, JOE; there's room for three little 'uns! Don't you mind about
+_me_--I'll git up 'ere, and see over your 'eds. [_He mounts on one of
+the front wheels of the landau, and holds on by the lamp._) I can see
+proper where _I_ am. There's a lady fainted down there!
+
+_Bill_ (_the leading Buffoon of the Party_). I wonder if she's got any
+money. If she 'as, I'll go and 'elp 'er!
+
+_Joe._ She's all right now. The ambulance 'as come up--they're
+standin' 'er on 'er 'ed!
+
+_The Lady in the Landau_ (_in an undertone_). HORACE, we can't have
+this horrible man here--do make him get down!
+
+_Horace_ (_to Joe_). Here, I say, my friend, don't you think you'd be
+more comfortable somewhere else?--that wheel is--er--not exactly the
+place----
+
+_Joe._ No offence, Guv'nor. Yer see, I ain't brought out _my_ brawm
+to-day, 'cos I'm 'avin' it varnished, and----
+
+_Bill._ Why, don't yer _see_, JOE?--the lady's put 'er 'usband up to
+invitin' you on the box-seat of 'er kerridge!--it all comes o' bein so
+good lookin'--but take care what yer about, or your missus may come by
+and ketch yer--which'll be unpleasant for all parties!
+
+_Joe_ (_to the owner of the Landau, with easy affability_). It's very
+'orspitable of you and your good lady, Mister, but I'm very well where
+I am--if I _should_ want to set down later on, I'll tell yer. (_To_
+BILL.) I can't think what they all _see_ in me. _I_ don't encourage
+'em!
+
+_The Lady_ (_in a rapid whisper_). No, HORACE, for goodness sake
+_don't_--you'll only make them worse--we must put up with it. (_They
+do._)
+
+_Bill_ (_affecting to recognise an imaginary friend across the road_).
+'Ullo, if there ain't little ALEXANDER! I knoo _'e'd_ be 'ere. What
+cher, ALEC, ole pal?
+
+_Joe_ (_playing up to him_). Ah, and there goes JACK GAYNER! You can
+spot 'im anywhere by 'is eye-glass.
+
+_Bill._ That's ole JACK all over, that is. 'E wouldn't come out--not
+on a day like this--without a _eyeglass_, JACK wouldn't. If it 'ad ha'
+bin a Saturday now, 'e'd ha' 'ad _two_, to see 'is way 'ome by. (_A
+gorgeous official passes on horseback._) There y'ar--there's DAN LENO.
+Way oh, DANNY!
+
+_Dick._ It's time 'Er Most Gracious come along, if she's goin' to
+keep 'er character. If she don't make 'aste, I shan't 'ave time to get
+'alf a pint afore I go 'ome!
+
+_Bill_ (_sentimentally_). Ah, if she on'y knoo the anxious arts she's
+causin'! 'Ullo, see that bloke tryin' to climb up on the wall there?
+If I was one o' them sojers, I'd draw my sword and do a noble deed
+against _'im_, I would. He wouldn't want to set down on no wall arter
+_I'd_ done with him!
+
+    [_By this time the two have secured a delighted audience--of which
+    they are fully conscious._
+
+_Joe._ Time 's very near up. 'ER MAJESTY ain't 'urryin 'erself.
+
+_Bill_ (_magnanimously_). Never mind. Now I _am_ 'ere, I'll stop _'Er_
+time. I shouldn't like 'Er to feel that there was somethink wantin' to
+the success of the perceedins. They say Royalty never forgets a face!
+
+_Joe_ (_with the candour of intimacy_). She won't see enough o' yours
+to _forgit_, ole feller--you ain't used _much_ o' Pears' Soap this
+mornin', you ain't!
+
+_Bill_ (_in nowise pained by this personality--which is only too well
+founded_). Ah, it 'ud take "Monkey Brand" and Fuller's Earth to git
+it all orf o' _me_! (_There is a stir in the crowd; a Mounted
+Police-sergeant trots past_). There's somethink up _now_. They're
+comin'. I _will_ 'oller when the QUEEN passes. She's costed me a deal
+already, but she ain't got _all_ the money. I got three 'apence of it
+in my pocket--though, come to think of it, three 'apence laid out in
+pots o' four ale among three with thusts for thirty and loyalty laid
+on 'ot _and_ cold all over the premises--why, it don't go so bloomin'
+fur, and don't you forgit it!
+
+_Dick._ 'Ere come the Life Guards! smart lookin' lot o' chaps, ain't
+they?
+
+_Bill_ (_philosophically_). Ah, and when they done their time, them
+fellers 'll be glad to turn to plarsterin' or wood-choppin'--anythink
+to gain their liveli'ood by. There's the Royalties. I can see the
+people wavin' their 'ankerchiefs--them that's got em. _I_ want to wave
+somethink--'ere, lend me your bacco-pipe, will yer.
+
+    [_An open carriaqe passes, containing personages in uniform._
+
+_Dick._ 'Oo'll _that_ lot be?
+
+_Bill._ Why, that's the Markiss o' BRICKDUST--don't yer know _'im_?
+And the one in front is the Dook o' DRIPPIN'. Look at 'im a larfin.
+Ain't 'e a gay ole chicking? 'Ere's some more o' them.
+
+_The Crowd._ That is the Dook o' CAMBRIDGE. No, it ain't--that was 'im
+in the fust kerridge. Go on--that was the EDINGBOROS!... Why, I
+tell yer, I see 'is white whiskers! There's the Princess MAY! Which?
+'Ooray! Lor, it's no good 'oorayin' _now_--she's gone by long ago.
+Well, I _am_ glad I 've seen 'er, any'ow! Who are them in the white
+'elmets? Ostralians, I fancy. No, they ain't--they're Canadians.
+Then who is it in the fancy dress, with slouch 'ats an' feathers on?
+Forriners o' _some_ sort. Ain't them Indians dressed up fine? Here
+come the creams. _Now_ we shall see 'Er!
+
+_Bill_ (_with enthusiasm_). Brayvo! SANGER'S ain't in it! 'Ooray,
+'ooray! Lor, I could do with a ap'ny ice! Did yer see 'Er, Joe? I
+caught 'Er Royal eye, I did. She didn't bow--'cos we ain't on those
+terms--but she tipped me a wink, ser much as to say, "'Ullo, BILL, ole
+feller, 'ow is it you ain't in the Institoot?" _Quite_ forgittin' she
+never sent me no ticket. But there, I dessay she's _lots_ to think
+about!
+
+_Joe_ (_to the occupants of the Landau_). You'll excuse me leavin' yer
+for a bit, just to git a drink, won't yer? I'll be back in time to see
+'em return--if yer won't mind keepin' my place.
+
+    [_Exit, leaving them glaring in speechless indignation._
+
+_The Crowd_ (_breaking up_). Oh, I see it beautiful! She _did_ look
+pleased, didn't she? I didn't notice partickler. I was lookin' at the
+Percession.... Come along, that's all there is to be seen.... Where's
+that silly ole man got to? I told 'im to be 'ere under this tree;
+he wants more lookin' after than any--oh, _'ere_ you are! Well, you
+should ha' kept along with us, and you'd ha' seen well enough! It
+_was_ a pity our leavin' the whisky at 'ome--'tain't _often_ I come
+out without it--and on a warm day like this, a drop 'ud ha' done us
+_all_ good!
+
+_A Loyal Old Lady._ Ah, depend upon it, this Imperial Institoot 'ull
+do good to Trade. Why, there's one o' them men with the iced lemonade
+cans sold out a'ready!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW'S THAT FOR--HIGH-TEA?
+
+    [A learned Judge is recently reported to have anxiously
+    inquired the meaning of "high-tea."]
+
+  His Lordship looked puzzled. He ransacked his brain;
+  His once beaming brow was contracted with pain.
+  Till my Lord stopped the Counsel, in saying, "Let's see,
+  Before you proceed, what is meant by 'high-tea'?
+
+  "I was called to the Bar such a long time ago!
+  But I flatter myself that I've learnt now to know
+  All the ropes pretty well, yet completely at sea
+  I confess that I am with this curious 'high-tea.'
+
+  "Now I own that I know an Oxonian 'wine,'
+  Though a 'cocoa' at Newnham is more in my line,
+  Whilst dinner and lunch are familiar to me.
+  So is supper. But what--tell me, _what_ is 'high-tea'?"
+
+  The Counsel explained in his very best style,
+  (Though he often indulged, on the sly, in a smile,)
+  And the Judge was as eager as eager could be
+  To learn all the rites that belong to "high-tea."
+
+  But the sequel to all was a square little note
+  Next day from a blue-blooded Duchess who wrote
+  To the Judge, and this Dame of the highest degree
+  Had invited his Lordship to come to--HIGH-TEA!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIARY OF A "H. D."
+
+(_At the Service of the Departmental Committee on the Treatment of
+Inebriates._)
+
+_Monday._--I am afraid that I can no longer resist the temptation to
+return to my customary diet. This morning my breakfast was spoiled by
+finding that the _pièce de résistance_ was corked. And this when I
+pay 96_s._ a dozen, and the vintage is 1884! However, it could not
+be helped, and I managed to exist until lunch. Then came another
+disappointment. I had purposely ordered a light repast, as I had not
+much appetite. But I did intend to take it with soda-water--not
+neat. At dinner I managed to get through a biscuit, and as it was
+"devilled," it gave me renewed relish for the morning's champagne.
+This time the bottles were in excellent condition, and I quite forgot
+that earlier in the day one of them had been corked. All in the
+half-dozen were in perfect condition--especially the last magnum. I do
+not know how I got to bed.
+
+_Tuesday._--When I find that I have not removed my boots overnight, I
+know that I require a pick-me-up. A friend joined me at breakfast, and
+we both thought the champagne excellent. My friend BROWN, or perhaps
+it was JONES, and now I come to think of it, it may have been
+ROBINSON. And yet, when I consider the matter, there may have been
+three of them. I tried to count them, and it took me half the morning.
+Well, BROWN, or whoever he was, is a very good fellow. Most amusing,
+and an excellent audience. He laughs at everything. Whether you
+mean it to be funny or not, he laughs. I like him as a brother. A
+thoroughly good fellow. We had a most interesting discussion about the
+right pronunciation of Constitution. He said it was in two syllables.
+I said it was in one. I think I was right. We had a long chat about it
+after dinner. First we talked about it over the port, and then under
+the table. I don't know how I managed to get home, but I have a firm
+belief that it was all right--quite all right.
+
+_Wednesday._--Found my boots again on my feet when recovering
+consciousness. So this is the second time I must have slept in them.
+I feel excessively melancholy. I have wept very much, and were it
+not for the supporting-powers of whiskey, I am sure I should he much
+worse. However, there is only one thing to be done--to keep at it. One
+bottle down, another come on. I have floored no end of a lot of
+them. Strange to say that I am now happy after all my sorrow of this
+morning. Everything is right but the lamp-posts. They are all wrong.
+Getting in my way on my road home. I feel awfully tired. However,
+seems to be my duty to interfere in a street-row.
+
+_Thursday._--It appears I had an altercation with the police last
+night. I am free, but sorrowful. I really must put myself
+under restraint. I feel almost certain that I have given way to
+intemperance. On appealing to BROWN (or whoever he is), he says I have
+been as drunk as a fly for ages. This hurts me very much. Only thing
+to do is to retire into a retreat. Have, with the assistance of BROWN
+(or whoever he is), drawn up the application. It looks right enough.
+And, as this is my last chance for some time to come, I and BROWN (or
+whoever he is) are going to make a night of it.
+
+_Friday._--Boots again! BROWN (or whoever he is) called with two
+doctors. I said I couldn't be bothered with them. BROWN (or whoever he
+is) said I must. So I saw them. They say that the Act requires that I
+must understand what I am doing. All right--going into retreat. Word
+"retreat" should be pronounced as one syllable. All right, they have
+made the statutory declaration.
+
+_Saturday._--Here I am. Charming place, away from drink, and ought to
+do well for the next fortnight. Can't remember how long I promised to
+stay, but know it was for some considerable time. I have just seen
+the Superintendent. He says he is very sorry, but I cannot stay
+any longer. This, in spite of it appearing that I have signed an
+application undertaking to remain for life. Can't make it out. Rather
+vague about what I have been doing during the week, but know I wanted
+to cure myself from habitual inebriety. Superintendent says he must
+turn me out under the statute. Appears that I signed the application
+for admission when I was not absolutely sober. Can't be helped. Out I
+go. Well, there are worse things in the world than whiskey and port. I
+have a notion that I am booked for another night in my boots!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOTE AND QUERY.
+
+_Small Boy_ (_to Companion_). "I SAY, BILL, WHICH O' THESE TWO'S TAKEN
+THE PRIZE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECENTLY-ELECTED R.A.'S.
+
+  The pictures these talented gentlemen show
+    Monotonous never appear;
+  Waves, woods, and (say) Wenice, MACWHIRTER & Co.
+    Depict for us year after year.
+
+  WOODS always paints Venice, the place that brought forth
+    A Moor, but MOORE'S chattels and goods
+  Are seas, not calm south ones, but those of the north,
+    Whilst NORTH and MACWHIRTER paint woods.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DEBT OF HONOUR.--Will the verse described as _Ode_ by Mr. WILLIAM
+MORRIS be paid with the Poet Laureateship?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT WEDDING PRESENTS ARE COMING TO.
+
+_She._ "I DON'T SEE _MY_ CHEQUE ANYWHERE!"
+
+_He._ "A--CAN I HELP YOU? WHAT NAME?"
+
+_She._ "OH--WELL--MINE IS HARDLY A CHEQUE. A--IT'S A POSTAL ORDER, YOU
+KNOW, FOR FIFTEEN SHILLINGS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OWN AMBASSADOR.
+
+_Mr. Punch, meeting Columbia at the World's Fair, thus greeteth
+her:--_
+
+  COLUMBIA by Lake Michigan
+    A treasure-dome did late decree;
+  And all the world, in summer, ran,
+  In numbers measureless by man,
+    The Wondrous Show to see!
+  There many miles of fertile ground
+  With walls and towers were girdled round:
+  And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills
+    Surrounding halls of vast machinery.
+  And all earth's products, from fine arts to pills,
+    Massed in that maze by that great inland sea.
+
+  Fast, from that deep romantic chasm which slanted
+  Through Colorado, the Grand Cañon; over
+  Yellowstone's marvel--teeming miles enchanted;
+  Far-sweeping prairies erst by redskins haunted;
+  Steaming and railing, like bee-swarms to clover,
+  The world-crowd swept, with ceaseless turmoil seething;
+  It seemed the earth in eager pants was breathing
+  In a great race to see who should be first
+  Into that many-acred Show to burst,
+  And conquering COLUMBIA there to hail
+  Creation-licker on colossal scale.
+  By Michigan's large lake, once and for ever,
+  Surpassing other Shows, in park, by river,
+  O'er miles meandering, this last Yankee Notion
+  Through wood and meadow like a river ran,
+  Vast Exposition of the Arts of Man!
+  Hyde Park compared therewith stirred small emotion,
+  And proud COLUMBIA, waving Stripes and Stars,
+  Cried, "The White City whips the Champ de Mars!"
+
+    The shadow of that dome of treasure
+    Floated midway on the wave.
+    (See CASTAIGNE'S drawings--they're a pleasure--
+    In the May _Century_ pictured brave.)
+  It was a miracle of rare device,
+  Costing "a pile," but cheap at any price!
+    A damsel with a five-stringed "Jo"
+    In a vision once I saw;
+    It was an Alabama maid,
+    And on her banjo light she played,
+    Singing of sweet Su-san-nah!
+    Could I revive within me
+    Amphion's lyric song,
+    To such a deep delight 'twould win me
+  As the music loud and long
+  That sure did raise this dome in air,
+  That mighty dome!--those halls of price!
+  COLUMBIA'S magic set them there,
+  And all who see cry, "Rare! O rare!
+  This beats great KUBLA KHAN'S device!
+  Chicago outsoars Xanadu!
+  COLUMBIA'S World's Fair here on view
+        Eclipses SHEDAD'S Paradise!"
+
+  There, Madam! _The_ British Ambassador, _Punch_,
+    Has borrowed the lyre of the Opium-eater
+  To praise your unparalleled feat! By his hunch
+    'Twould tax that great master of magic and metre
+  To do it full justice. To paint such a vision
+    The limner need call on the aid of the Poppy.
+  It is a Big Blend of the Truly Elysian,
+    And (you'll comprehend!) the Colossally Shoppy!
+  Mix HAROUN ALRASCHID with Mr. MCKINLEY,
+    And Yellowstone Park with a Persian Bazaar,
+  And _then_ the _ensemble_ is sketched in but thinly.
+    For brush and for pen 'tis too mighty by far.
+  The fragment of COLERIDGE hinted at wonders
+    His Dream might have shown, had it ever been finished.
+  COLUMBIA, I bear o'er the ocean that sunders
+    But cannot un-kin us, the love undiminished
+  Of all whom I speak for--that's England all over--
+    Here's luck, in a bumper, to you and your Show!
+  Ambassador _Punch_, your Admirer and Lover,
+    Believes the World's Fair will turn out a Great Go!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC IN MAY.--Albert Hall gave a good Concert last Wednesday night.
+C. V. STANFORD'S "_East to West_," libretto by Poet SWINBURNE, is
+cleverish. To encores Sir JOSEPH BARNBY says, as a rule, "Not for
+Sir JOSEPH." Quite right. Miss PALLISER, known as Miss BUCKINGHAM
+PALLISER, because she sang at a Court Concert, charming; and Mr. E. J.
+LLOYD as _The Old Obadiah_, excellent. Chorus, like the weather, very
+fine; Orchestra set fair, or fair set. Hall full, but, now and again,
+it's a Hall-full place for sound.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR OWN AMBASSADOR.
+
+MR. PUNCH (_to_ COLUMBIA), "CONGRATULATE YOU, MY DEAR!--QUITE 'THE
+BIGGEST SHOW ON EARTH'!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANILINE.
+
+(_After Tennyson's "Adeline."_)
+
+  All around one daily sees
+    Dreadful dyes of Aniline.
+    Worn by women fat and thin,
+  Bonnet, bodice, back and breast.
+    One can hardly call thee fair,
+    With thy fierce magenta glare,
+  With thy green, the green of peas,
+  Violet, and all the rest.
+    What appalling tints are thine,
+    Showy, glowy Aniline!
+
+  Whence did modern women get
+    Such a gorgeous array?
+  Dear to 'ARRY'S 'ARRIET
+    On a 'appy 'oliday,
+  'Owlin', out on 'Ampstead 'Eath,
+  From the 'ill to 'im beneath.
+    Also dear to girls who sell
+      Flowers in the London street,
+    They have always loved thee well
+      In their frocks and feathers neat.
+    Why revive those tints of thine,
+    Antiquated Aniline?
+
+  Thou hast almost made us blind
+    Under England's cloudless skies;
+      Low-toned tints of Orient,
+        Such as Turkish rugs adorn,
+    Would be better for our eyes--
+      Now upon the pavement bent
+        Since such blazers have been worn.
+  Say, has Paris sent to us
+  Dyes so dreadfully defined?
+      Do the tyrant _modistes_ bring
+    Colours so calamitous,
+    Mixed in ways more fearful still,
+      In this strangely sunny spring?
+    Oh, before thou mak'st us ill,
+      Take away that glare of thine,
+      Unæsthetic Aniline!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: KINDLY MEANT.
+
+_Mr. Macmonnies_ (_an old Friend_). "WELL, LOOK HERE, OLD MAN, I'LL
+TELL YOU WHAT REALLY BROUGHT ME HERE TO-DAY. THE FACT IS MY WIFE WANTS
+HER MOTHER PAINTED VERY BADLY--AND I NATURALLY THOUGHT OF YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SALE OF THE CLIFDEN AND HIGH PRICE PICTURES.
+
+--"The Wife of Burgomaster Six" went for over £7000. This wife of
+Burgomaster Half-a-dozen was a marvellous specimen of a woman. The
+Burgomaster was so faithful a husband that "Six to One" has long since
+become a homely proverb.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A USEFUL TOOLE.--_Mr. Punch_ was much surprised one day last week to
+see on the evening newspaper placards:--
+
+  TOOLE IN THE BOX.
+    A LUCKY DOG.
+
+Was "the Box" a new piece to be put on at the distant period when
+_Walker, London_, fails to attract? No! The hero of _Homburg_ had only
+been helping in the _Lucky Dog_ Fight--merely a case of _Verbum Sapte
+et Alport_, or a Word for SAPTE and ALPORT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SHORTEST PASSAGE ON RECORD.--Aberdeen to Canada at a pen-stroke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIC ITUR AD--ASTOR!
+
+[The American Millionnaire has purchased Cliveden.]
+
+  RULE, BRITANNIA! 'Twas Cliveden's fair walls which first heard
+  That stout patriot strain--which may now sound absurd
+  "_Yankee Doodle_" indeed might more fittingly ring
+  "In Cliveden's proud alcove," which POPE stooped to sing.
+  O Picknickers muse; and, O oarsmen, repine!
+  Those fair hanging woods, BULL, no longer are thine.
+  Our high-mettled racers may pass o'er the sea--
+  Shall sentiment challenge _thy_ claims, L. S. D.?
+  Our pictures may go without serious plaint--
+  What are the best pictures but canvas and paint?
+  Our Press? Let the alien toff take his pick.
+  When the Dollar dictates shall mere patriots kick?
+  Our hills and our forests? If Oil-kings appear,
+  And want them--for cash--as preserves for their deer.
+  Down, down with mere pride--so they're down with the dust!
+  Mammon's word is the great categorical Must!
+  The Dollar's Almighty, the Millionnaire's King!
+  Sell, sell _anyone_ who'll bid _high--anything_.
+  What offers for--London? Who bids for--the Thames?
+  Cracks go, Cliveden follows. What Briton condemns?
+  Cash rules. For the Dollar-King BULL shies his castor.
+  Buy! Buy! That's the cry, JOHN. _Sic itur ad_--ASTOR!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOOKED AT THE LYCEUM BOX-OFFICE.--Four nights a week _Becket_ is
+given. Programme is varied on the other two nights. A simple gentleman
+said to the Clerk at the Box-Office, "I want two stalls." _The Clerk._
+"_For Becket?_" "No," returned the simple one; "for _me_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--From a communication to one of the daily papers, it
+appears that "a hundred ladies and gentlemen who find the works of
+HENDRIK IBSEN (perhaps not all for exactly the same reasons, but who
+agree in finding them) among the most interesting productions of the
+modern theatre, have guaranteed the estimated expenses of a series
+of twelve performances, at which three of IBSEN'S plays will be
+presented." This arrangement is carried out by "each guarantor
+receiving in seats at the current theatrical prices the full value of
+his subscription," as "the State will not subsidize a theatre, and no
+millionnaire seems inclined to endow one."
+
+This is clear enough, but it has occurred to me that, as after the
+first few performances there may be a goodly number of untenanted
+seats, it would be as well to provide auxiliary aid to fill them. It
+would scarcely be fair to call upon the guarantors to pay the audience
+to be present at the "entertainments" provided for their amusement.
+And yet, unless the houses are good, the actors will not do themselves
+justice, and the plays of HENDRIK IBSEN will suffer in consequence.
+I fear that it would be revolting to humanity to insist upon the
+attendance of the less intelligent inmates of the Asylum for Idiots,
+and yet here would be an appropriate path out of the difficulty. Under
+the circumstances, could not the State (with the aid of a short Act of
+Parliament) still render assistance? I see no reason why thieves
+and other dishonest characters should not have a portion of their
+sentences remitted on condition that they attended the IBSEN
+performances. Such an arrangement would save the rate-payers the
+expense of the prisoners' keep. The audience I have suggested would
+also be free from temptation, for when they were assisting at a
+representation of one of IBSEN'S plays, I venture to believe they
+would find nothing worth stealing.
+
+A PRACTICAL MAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: WASTED IRONY.
+
+"WHO'S THAT DOWN-STAIRS, JANE?"--"SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, MA'AM."
+
+"BUT YOU HAD SOME FRIENDS YESTERDAY, JANE!"--"YES, MA'AM."
+
+"AND ON MONDAY NIGHT!"--"YES, MA'AM."
+
+"DON'T YOU THINK YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A REGULAR DAY AT HOME EACH
+WEEK?"--"THANK YOU, MA'AM! THAT WILL BE VERY NICE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, May 8._--"What a day we are having, to be sure!"
+said CHAMBERLAIN, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. Things
+certainly pretty lively to begin with; just got into Committee on
+Home-Rule Bill; CHARLIE (my DARLING) was to have opened Debate with
+Amendment on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequently
+explained to sympathetic Committee, he was weighed down with feeling
+of diffidence. House, touched with this unusual weakness on part
+of Member for Deptford, readily accepted volunteered service of
+CHAMBERLAIN, who undertook to say a few words on another Amendment
+whilst DARLING was recovering.
+
+No diffidence about JOSEPH. As he observed in stormiest epoch of
+sitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A cucumber with full allowance
+of vinegar and pepper," SQUIRE of MALWOOD added, in one of those
+asides with which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well there
+was someone at that temperature. Committee, take it all together, in
+volcanic mood. Peculiarity of situation, as SAUNDERSON put it, with
+some mixing of metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept the
+pot a-boiling." Whenever any sign of placidity was visible, JOSEPH
+sure to appear on scene, rub someone's hair the wrong way, or stir up
+some slumbering lion with long pole.
+
+"Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets, TOBY?" said
+PLUNKET. "No, I suppose not; rather personal; recall days before you
+went into politics. Confess I always do; been chuckling just now over
+idea that here we have the whole thing played out. There's _Mr. Punch_
+in person of Mr. G. Up comes a head, GRANDOLPH'S, or someone else's;
+down comes the baton in the form of the Closure. Everyone supposes
+that Law and Order are established and things will go smoothly, when
+suddenly up springs JOEY, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everything
+again. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings in
+obstruction of Home-Rule Bill."
+
+After dinner SOLICITOR-GENERAL discovered seated on Treasury Bench. A
+great thirst for speech from him suddenly afflicted Opposition. Mr.
+G. spoke, and JOHN MORLEY moved the Closure, but nothing would satisfy
+them save speech from RIGBY. Pauses in conversation were filled by
+cries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser than ever, but
+still unspeakably wise.
+
+DARLING'S Amendment got rid of with assistance of Closure. GRANDOLPH
+rushed in; hotly moved to report progress. Only ten o'clock; two hours
+more before Debate adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions,
+shouting, and scenes. GRANDOLPH'S motion to Report Progress being
+negatived on division. PRINCE ARTHUR moved that Chairman leave the
+Chair, division on which just tided Committee over twelve o'clock,
+without chance of doing more work.
+
+"I feel twelve years younger," said GRANDOLPH, coming in from last
+division. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 Parliament, when we sat
+below Gangway there, and bandied about these alternative resolutuions,
+me moving to Report Progress; then, when we came back again, WOLFFY,
+GORST, or sometimes, to give the boy a turn, PRINCE ARTHUR moved
+that Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he came into his
+princedom. House of Commons pretty dull these six years back. After
+all, it's the same old place, and, if we give our mind to it, we can
+have the same old game."
+
+_Business done._--Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliament
+elected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, not excluding
+Chairman of Committees, strenuously anxious to preserve order. Quiet
+enough till CHAMBERLAIN appeared on scene, then followed the ordinary
+cool-cucumbery results. TIM HEALY torn with anxiety that JOSEPH should
+limit himself strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangular
+duel; JOSEPH at corner Bench below Gangway to right of Chair; TIM in
+corresponding position opposite; MELLOR in (and out of) Chair; all
+three on their feet simultaneously; Committee assisting in general
+desire for peace and order by tumultuous shouting. TIM fired furiously
+at JOSEPH; JOSEPH answered shot for shot; Chairman pegged away
+alternately at both.
+
+[Illustration: HOME RULE ENTERTAINMENT St Stephens
+
+"Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show.]
+
+Then GRANDOLPH, finding temptation irresistible, romped in. "I move,"
+he said, "that the words be taken down." Very well; quite so; but
+what words? The Chamber was full of words, surging like the waters at
+Lodore. Which particular ones would GRANDOLPH like taken down? Turned
+out that his desire centred upon almost the only words that had not
+been uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for Louth say, 'You
+are knocked up.'" So GRANDOLPH solemnly declared, standing at table.
+Whilst Irish Members popped up like parched peas on Benches below
+Gangway, CHAMBERLAIN took opportunity of looking over his notes, and
+Chairman, standing at table, forlornly wrung his hands, TIM HEALY sat
+a model of Injured Innocence. As it turned out he, by rare chance,
+had not spoken at all. This made clear upon testimony of MACARTNEY
+and JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. What TIM felt most acutely was, not being
+thus groundlessly charged with disorderly speech, but that GRANDOLPH,
+for whom he has a warm respect, should imagine that if he _had_
+an observation to offer in the circumstances, it would be one so
+frivolously harmless as that cited. To observe to somebody "You
+are knocked up," might, with tone of commiseration thrown in, be a
+friendly, almost an affectionate, remark. Why the words, if uttered
+at all, should be taken down, no one could even guess. TIM sat in
+deep dejection, overborne by this unexpected and undeserved contumely.
+Parched-pea business on Benches round him became contagious; MELLOR
+up and down in the Chair with corresponding motion; SWIFT MACNEILL
+shouting something at top of his voice; Ross rising to explain;
+JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg actually explaining; MACARTNEY saying
+something; TOMMY BOWLES, not to be out of it, moving that somebody
+else's words be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in storm,
+Chairman adroitly signalled to CHAMBERLAIN, who continued his speech.
+Members, generally, gratefully availed themselves of his interposition
+to take their breath.
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary the
+Irish word for "a House of Commons," obliges:--_
+
+  In Irish, I will sing it clear,
+  There's a name for the House which you shall hear.
+  (_Spoken_) Which is
+  (_Sings_) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral
+                Ri-az tolooral ri do!
+
+  [_Chorus everybody._]
+
+"Do you know, TOBY, what this reminds me of?" said Earl SPENCER,
+looking down on turbulent scene from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me back
+to boyhood's days, and what used to happen when, in temporary absence
+of head-master, French usher took charge of the school."
+
+J. G. LAWSON, on spending time in Library, looking up native name
+for proposed Legislative Assembly in Dublin. Found what it used to be
+called when BRIAN was King; written name down, tries to pronounce it.
+TIM HEALY says, as far as he can make out, LAWSON is speaking Welsh;
+it is suggested that Chairman shall put Question. MELLOR says he's
+quite enough to do to put Amendments in English; declines to attempt
+the Irish. LAWSON withdraws, using awful language, which he insists is
+Irish. It sounds even worse.
+
+_Business done._--Blusterous.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE.
+
+(_Rough Sketch by Our Artist without elbow-room._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Saturday Morning._--Another afternoon in Committee on Home-Rule Bill.
+Not so lively as yesterday, but equal amount of business not done,
+which, after all is the thing. House fairly full; gunpowder lying
+about in all directions, as shown by occasional flash; and one regular
+explosion. Went off to Library; sat in quiet corner with PRINCE
+ARTHUR'S last book in hand. Fancy I must have fallen asleep; found
+tall figure sitting next to me; drowsily recognised RAIKES. Couldn't
+be RAIKES, you know; long ago gone to another place. Yet figure
+unmistakeable, and voice well remembered. Seem to have been asking him
+question.
+
+"What do I think about new Chairman?" he was saying. "Well, of course,
+that is a delicate question to put to me; was Chairman myself for many
+sessions; know every thorn in the cushion of the seat. It is, I should
+say, the most difficult post in House; far more so than SPEAKER'S.
+SPEAKER is robed about with authority that does not pertain to
+Chairman. Observations which, addressed to SPEAKER, would be flat
+blasphemy, are, when flung at Chairman of Ways and Means, merely
+choleric words. Apart from that, position is, through long stretches
+of sitting, more arduous. When full-dress debate going on, SPEAKER
+of judgment and experience can go easy; may even, upon occasion,
+strategically doze. One did in times not so long ago, and was caught
+_flagrante asleepoh_. MACKWORTH PRAED was Member of the House then;
+made little speech in verse on incident. You remember it?
+
+  Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; it's surely fair,
+  If you don't in your bed, that you should in your Chair;
+  Longer and longer still they grow,
+  Tory and Radical, Aye and No
+  Talking by night, and talking by day.
+  Sleep, Mr. SPEAKER; sleep, sleep, while you may.
+
+[Illustration: Blind Man's Buff with the Chairman; or, "The Mellor and
+His Men."]
+
+"Chairman must be on alert every moment in Committee. Rule under his
+jurisdiction is conversation as opposed to speech-making when SPEAKER
+in Chair. Any moment out of depths of dulness may suddenly rise a
+whirlwind, which he is expected forthwith to ride. Especially in
+connection with Bill like this now before Committee, Chairman is in
+state of tension from time he takes Chair till he leaves. Don't forget
+all this when you criticise MELLOR, still new to place. He's a good
+fellow, and a shrewd one; but has, among other difficulties, to fight
+against proneness to good-nature. Good-nature out of place in the
+Chair. COURTNEY knew that, and successfully overcame his natural
+tendencies. MELLOR too anxious to oblige. Must get over that. Above
+all, should never explain. Suddenly called upon for decision on knotty
+point, must needs make mistake sometimes. If he does, unless it be
+very serious, _he should stick to it_. For Chairman of Committees,
+better to be in the wrong and uphold authority of Chair, than
+to wriggle into the right at its expense. MELLOR should be more
+monosyllabic in his style, more ruthless in his dealing with
+disorderly interruption, more wary about putting his foot down, but,
+being planted, it should be immovable. It would make his fortune if he
+could only name CHAMBERLAIN. That would be difficult, I know, for JOEY
+C. is sly, dev'lish sly. He should begin with JEMMY LOWTHER, who
+gives plenty of chances. Thence he might work upwards. Is that a bell
+ringing? Yes. Must be off, or I'll get shut out. We've lately adopted
+the Early Closing Movement."
+
+Certainly bell was ringing; it was for Division on Clause I. Still
+fact seems to run on all fours with what I remember RAIKES talking of
+just now. Yet, again, when one comes to think of it, can a bell run on
+all fours? Everything very strange. Shall go and vote.
+
+_Business done._--Clause I. agreed to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE WOOLSACK.
+
+  Sincere congratulations for
+  Our conscience-keeping Chancellor.
+  Whom lawyers know as HERSCHELL, C.
+  Is now Lord HERSCHELL, G.C.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ADDITION TO THE CALENDAR.--Sir SOMERS VINE, in recognition of his
+services in connection with the Imperial Institute, has been appointed
+a Companion of St. Michael and St. George. And why not? He will be
+found excellent company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.
+
+Page 240: 'dulness' is correct--
+
+from Oxford Online Dictionary:
+
+dull ... — DERIVATIVES dullness (also dulness).
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, May 20, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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