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diff --git a/old/brlsq10.txt b/old/brlsq10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b138d12 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/brlsq10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18082 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext Burlesques, by William M. Thackeray +#17 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by Donald Lainson, charlie@idirect.com. + + + + + +BURLESQUES + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +CONTENTS + + +NOTES BY EMINENT HANDS. + + +George de Barnwell. By Sir E. L. B. L., Bart. + +Codlingsby. By D. Shrewsberry, Esq. + +Phil Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-Oneth. By Harry +Rollicker + +Barbazure. By G. P. R. Jeames, Esq., etc. + +Lords and Liveries. By the Authoress of "Dukes and Dejeuners," +"Hearts and Diamonds," "Marchionesses and Milliners," etc., etc. + +Crinoline. By Je-mes Pl-sh, Esq. + +The Stars and Stripes. By the Author of "The Last of the +Mulligans," "Pilot," etc. + +A Plan for a Prize Novel + + + +THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., WITH HIS LETTERS. + + +A Lucky Speculator + +The Diary + +Jeames on Time Bargings + +Jeames on the Gauge Question + +Mr. Jeames Again + + + +THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. + + +I. "Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction" + +II. Allyghur and Laswaree + +III. A Peep into Spain.--Account of the Origin and Services of the +Ahmednuggar Irregulars + +IV. The Indian Camp--the Sortie from the Fort + +V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife + +VI. Famine in the Garrison + +VII. The Escape + +VIII. The Captive + +IX. Surprise of Futtyghur + + + +A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. + + +I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg + +II. The Godesbergers + +III. The Festival + +IV. The Flight + +V. The Traitor's Doom + +VI. The Confession + +VII. The Sentence + +VIII. The Childe of Godesberg + +IX. The Lady of Windeck + +X. The Battle of the Bowmen + +XI. The Martyr of Love + +XII. The Champion + +XIII. The Marriage + + + +REBECCA AND ROWENA; A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE. + + +CHAPTER + +I. The Overture--Commencement of the Business + +II. The Last Days of the Lion + +III. St. George for England + +IV. Ivanhoe Redivivus + +V. Ivanhoe to the Rescue + +VI. Ivanhoe the Widower + +VII. The End of the Performance + + + +THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. + + +I. -- + +II. Henry V. and Napoleon III + +III. The Advance of the Pretenders--Historical Review + +IV. The Battle of Rheims + +V. The Battle of Tours + +VI. The English under Jenkins + +VII. The Leaguer of Paris + +VIII. The Battle of the Forts + +IX. Louis XVII + + + +COX'S DIARY. + + +The Announcement + +First Rout + +A Day with the Surrey Hounds + +The Finishing Touch + +A New Drop-Scene at the Opera + +Striking a Balance + +Down at Beulah + +A Tournament + +Over-Boarded and Under-Lodged + +Notice to Quit + +Law Life Assurance + +Family Bustle + + + + +NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. + + +GEORGE DE BARNWELL + +BY SIR E. L. B. L., BART. + + +VOL I. + + +In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their +offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, He is eternal. He +has his Mother's ravishing smile; his Father's steadfast eyes. He +rises every day, fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is +Eros, the ever young. Dark, dark were this world of ours had +either Divinity left it--dark without the day-beams of the Latonian +Charioteer, darker yet without the daedal Smile of the God of the +Other Bow! Dost know him, reader? + +Old is he, Eros, the ever young. He and Time were children +together. Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable. +Brightest of the Divinities, where hast thou not been sung? Other +worships pass away; the idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in +the desert crumbling and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled, +their fanes no longer rise among the quivering olive-groves of +Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets of the amethyst Aegean! These +are gone, but thou remainest. There is still a garland for thy +temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah, many a darker +sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless One, and +the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries from +the bleeding hearts of men! + +While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing? In Kingly +and Heroic ages, 'twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake. +But in these, our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the +Monarch. The people To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as +They of old did the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the +fate of the crowned Agamemnon. + +Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? Fate, +Passion, Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the +Furies that tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us +Still? are not these still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of +his palette? the chords of his lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale-- +not of Kings--but of Men--not of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief, +and Crime. Listen, and but once more. 'Tis for the last time +(probably) these fingers shall sweep the strings. + +E. L. B. L. + + +NOONDAY IN CHEPE. + + +'Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty River City!--its +banks wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man! +The toppling wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the +gilded equipage of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger +vehicle from the green metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of +our Babylon), in which every traveller might, for a modest +remuneration, take a republican seat; the mercenary caroche, with +its private freight; the brisk curricle of the letter-carrier, +robed in royal scarlet: these and a thousand others were laboring +and pressing onward, and locked and bound and hustling together in +the narrow channel of Chepe. The imprecations of the charioteers +were terrible. From the noble's broidered hammer-cloth, or the +driving-seat of the common coach, each driver assailed the other +with floods of ribald satire. The pavid matron within the one +vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pittance) shrieked +and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to his office (to add +another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over the blazoned +panels, and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his very +Menials could not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they +gayly threaded the Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and +quarrels of the scene, and exacerbated the already furious +combatants by their poignant infantile satire. And the +Philosopher, as he regarded the hot strife and struggle of these +Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh of the +Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene. + +'Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. The flaunting +windows of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering +panes behind which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver, +induced rustics to pause: although only noon, the savory odors of +the Cook Shops tempted the over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, +or to the fragrant potage that mocks the turtle's flavor--the +turtle! O dapibus suprimi grata testudo Jovis! I am an Alderman +when I think of thee! Well: it was noon in Chepe. + +But were all battling for gain there? Among the many brilliant +shops whose casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century +back (about which period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of +Colonial produce. A rudely carved image of a negro, with a +fantastic plume and apron of variegated feathers, decorated the +lintel. The East and West had sent their contributions to +replenish the window. + +The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of +swarthy sugar marked "ONLY 6 1/2d."--That catty box, on which was +the epigraph "STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d," was from the +country of Confutzee--that heap of dark produce bore the legend +"TRY OUR REAL NUT"--'Twas Cocoa--and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose +milk has refreshed the traveller and perplexed the natural +philosopher. The shop in question was, in a word, a Grocer's. + +In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to +judge from his appearance (though 'twas a difficult task, as, in +sooth, his back was turned), had just reached that happy period of +life when the Boy is expanding into the Man. O Youth, Youth! +Happy and Beautiful! O fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the +dew yet lies on the flowers, ere they have been scorched and +withered by Passion's fiery Sun! Immersed in thought or study, and +indifferent to the din around him, sat the boy. A careless +guardian was he of the treasures confided to him. The crowd passed +in Chepe; he never marked it. The sun shone on Chepe; he only +asked that it should illumine the page he read. The knave might +filch his treasures; he was heedless of the knave. The customer +might enter; but his book was all in all to him. + +And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the +counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing +at the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the +homely and tightened garments he wore. + +"Ahem! sir! I say, young man!" the customer exclaimed. + +"Ton d'apameibomenos prosephe," read on the student, his voice +choked with emotion. "What language!" he said; "how rich, how +noble, how sonorous! prosephe podas--" + +The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery, +that the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for +the first time remarked her. "A pretty grocer's boy you are," she +cried, "with your applepiebomenos and your French and lingo. Am I +to be kept waiting for hever?" + +"Pardon, fair Maiden," said he, with high-bred courtesy: "'twas not +French I read, 'twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard. +In what can I be serviceable to ye, lady?" and to spring from his +desk, to smooth his apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop +Boy, the Poet no more, was the work of a moment. + +"I might have prigged this box of figs," the damsel said good- +naturedly, "and you'd never have turned round." + +"They came from the country of Hector," the boy said. "Would you +have currants, lady? These once bloomed in the island gardens of +the blue Aegean. They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is +low; they're fourpence-halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make +trial of our teas? We do not advertise, as some folks do: but sell +as low as any other house." + +"You're precious young to have all these good things," the girl +exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation. +"If I was you, and stood behind the counter, I should be eating +figs the whole day long." + +"Time was," answered the lad, "and not long since I thought so too. +I thought I never should be tired of figs. But my old uncle bade +me take my fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them." + +"I think you gentlemen are always so," the coquette said. + +"Nay, say not so, fair stranger!" the youth replied, his face +kindling as he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire. "Figs +pall; but oh! the Beautiful never does. Figs rot; but oh! the +Truthful is eternal. I was born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty +and the Ideal. My soul yearns for the Visionary. I stand behind +the counter, it is true; but I ponder here upon the deeds of +heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages. What is grocery for +one who has ambition? What sweetness hath Muscovada to him who +hath tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true +Real, and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination. But pardon +me; with what may I serve thee?" + +"I came only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust," the girl said, with a +faltering voice; "but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for +ever!" + +Only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust? Girl, thou camest for other +things! Thou lovedst his voice? Siren! what was the witchery of +thine own? He deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the +little hand. She paid for her small purchase, and with a farewell +glance of her lustrous eyes, she left him. She passed slowly +through the portal, and in a moment was lost in the crowd. It was +noon in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was alone. + + +Vol. II. + + +We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to +anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which +most readers are familiar. + +Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the +tale is briefly thus: + +The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer's +shop in Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs, +half a dozen times in the week. + +She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal +attachment. + +This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom swells with +ambition. His genius breaks out prodigiously. He talks about the +Good, the Beautiful, the Ideal, &c., in and out of all season, and +is virtuous and eloquent almost beyond belief--in fact like +Devereux, or P. Clifford, or E. Aram, Esquires. + +Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in +the world which he is destined to ornament. He outdoes all the +dandies, all the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries +of the age--an indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and +George II.--dines with Curll at St. John's Gate, pinks Colonel +Charteris in a duel behind Montague House, is initiated into the +intrigues of the Chevalier St. George, whom he entertains at his +sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and likewise in disguise at the +shop in Cheapside. + +His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very +little taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business +to the pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble +Barnwells came. George's cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed +with a secret passion for him. + +Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant +little chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to +present an age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and +correct as that in the "Last of the Barons," or in "Eugene Aram," +or other works of our author, in which Sentiment and History, or +the True and Beautiful, are united. + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +BUTTON'S IN PALL MALL. + + +Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence +which society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall +Mall, and which, because they knock you down with their dulness, +are called Clubs no doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St. +James's Street, at a half-score of other dandies gaping from +another bay-window over the way; those who consult a dreary evening +paper for news, or satisfy themselves with the jokes of the +miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town of the present +day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some six or +eight score years back. Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St. +James's Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and +thy suffocating waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant +predecessor in the same quarter? The Brougham from which thou +descendest at the portal of the "Carlton" or the "Travellers'," is +like everybody else's; thy black coat has no more plaits, nor +buttons, nor fancy in it than thy neighbor's; thy hat was made on +the very block on which Lord Addlepate's was cast, who has just +entered the Club before thee. You and he yawn together out of the +same omnibus-box every night; you fancy yourselves men of pleasure; +you fancy yourselves men of fashion; you fancy yourselves men of +taste; in fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy, the newspaper +legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes and your +thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom--poor Pall Mall dullards. +Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you at present +occupy, there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some five- +and-twenty lustres ago. + +We are at Button's--the well-known sign of the "Turk's Head." The +crowd of periwigged heads at the windows--the swearing chairmen +round the steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose +vehicles denote the lofty rank of their owners),--the throng of +embroidered beaux entering or departing, and rendering the air +fragrant with the odors of pulvillio and pomander, proclaim the +celebrated resort of London's Wit and Fashion. It is the corner of +Regent Street. Carlton House has not yet been taken down. + +A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate +at one of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit +is likewise embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or +wear. A little deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the +Morning Chronicle newspaper by the fire, while a divine, with a +broad brogue and a shovel hat and cassock, is talking freely with a +gentleman, whose star and ribbon, as well as the unmistakable +beauty of his Phidian countenance, proclaims him to be a member of +Britain's aristocracy. + +Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the +other with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating +Race, are gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the +celebrated Club, but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate +of that exquisite dish, the muffin (then newly invented), at the +desire of some of the revellers within. + +"I would, Sam," said the wild youth to his companion, "that I had +some of my mother Macclesfield's gold, to enable us to eat of those +cates and mingle with yon springalds and beaux." + +"To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy," said the youth +addressed as Sam, "might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the +cheek of the parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life +when History fortifies endurance: and past study renders present +deprivation more bearable. If our pecuniary resources be exiguous, +let our resolution, Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune. The +muffin we desire to-day would little benefit us to-morrow. Poor +and hungry as we are, are we less happy, Dick, than yon listless +voluptuary who banquets on the food which you covet?" + +And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the +"Parthenon" Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel +at a neighboring cook's shop. Their names were Samuel Johnson and +Richard Savage. + +Meanwhile the conversation at Button's was fast and brilliant. "By +Wood's thirteens, and the divvle go wid 'em," cried the Church +dignitary in the cassock, "is it in blue and goold ye are this +morning, Sir Richard, when you ought to be in seebles?" + +"Who's dead, Dean?" said the nobleman, the dean's companion. + +"Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name's Jonathan Swift-- +and I'm not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father's +name?--there's been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely. A +child of Dick Steele's has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and +quarthered, and it's Joe Addison yondther has done it. Ye should +have killed one of your own, Joe, ye thief of the world." + +"I!" said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; "I kill +Dick's child! I was godfather to the last." + +"And promised a cup and never sent it," Dick ejaculated. Joseph +looked grave. + +"The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet. +What made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? The whole town is in +tears about the good knight; all the ladies at Church this +afternoon were in mourning; all the booksellers are wild; and +Lintot says not a third of the copies of the Spectator are sold +since the death of the brave old gentleman." And the Dean of St. +Patrick's pulled out the Spectator newspaper, containing the well- +known passage regarding Sir Roger's death. "I bought it but now in +'Wellington Street,'" he said; "the newsboys were howling all down +the Strand." + +"What a miracle is Genius--Genius, the Divine and Beautiful," said +a gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed +cavalier in iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in +fact Mr. Alexander Pope. "What a marvellous gift is this, and +royal privilege of Art! To make the Ideal more credible than the +Actual: to enchain our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets, +our tears, for a mere brain-born Emanation: to invest with life the +Incorporeal, and to glamour the cloudy into substance,--these are +the lofty privileges of the Poet, if I have read poesy aright; and +I am as familiar with the sounds that rang from Homer's lyre, as +with the strains which celebrate the loss of Belinda's lovely +locks"--(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly delighted)--"these, I +say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet--the Poietes--the Maker-- +he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot charm death +into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty out of +Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal. Ho! Jemmy, +another flask of Nantz." + +And the boy--for he who addressed the most brilliant company of +wits in Europe was little more--emptied the contents of the brandy- +flask into a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of +the company assembled. 'Twas the third he had taken during the +sitting. Presently, and with a graceful salute to the Society, he +quitted the coffee-house, and was seen cantering on a magnificent +Arab past the National Gallery. + +"Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe Addison +himself, in drinking,, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the +three kingdoms," Dick Steele said, good-naturedly. + +"His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard," +the Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed. "He is the author of +that famous No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the +credit." + +"The rascal foiled me at capping verses," Dean Swift said, "and won +a tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!" + +"He has suggested an emendation in my 'Homer,' which proves him a +delicate scholar," Mr. Pope exclaimed. + +"He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and +we must have an eye upon him," said Lord Bolingbroke, then +Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious- +looking person who was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him +something. + +Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all +the wits of London with admiration? His galloping charger had +returned to the City; his splendid court-suit was doffed for the +citizen's gabardine and grocer's humble apron. + +George de Barnwell was in Chepe--in Chepe, at the feet of Martha +Millwood. + + +VOL III. + +THE CONDEMNED CELL. + + +"Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor? Nay," George +added, a faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, "why +speak to thee in the accents of the Roman poet, which thou +comprehendest not? Bright One, there be other things in Life, in +Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth, this Heart on which thou +leanest, which are equally unintelligible to thee! Yes, my pretty +one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what is the Ideal +but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And the +Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders +by the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck +before that Azure Mystery." + +Emily's eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew. "Speak on, speak ever +thus, my George," she exclaimed. Barnwell's chains rattled as the +confiding girl clung to him. Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed +to sit with the Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate +language, and also burst into tears. + +"You weep, my Snoggin," the Boy said; "and why? Hath Life been so +charming to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no +after-Weariness? Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory +no Mockery? Psha! I am sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary +of Wine and Wit, and--nay, start not, my Adelaide--and Woman. I +fling away all these things as the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the +Soul's Nursery. I am a Man, and pine for the Illimitable! Mark +you me! Has the Morrow any terrors for me, think ye? Did Socrates +falter at his poison? Did Seneca blench in his bath? Did Brutus +shirk the sword when his great stake was lost? Did even weak +Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent's fatal nip? And why should I? +My great Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit. Lie +sheathed in my heart, thou flashing Blade! Welcome to my Bosom, +thou faithful Serpent; I hug thee, peace-bearing Image of the +Eternal! Ha, the hemlock cup! Fill high, boy, for my soul is +thirsty for the Infinite! Get ready the bath, friends; prepare me +for the feast To-morrow--bathe my limbs in odors, and put ointment +in my hair." + +"Has for a bath," Snoggin interposed, "they're not to be 'ad in +this ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little +hoil for your 'air." + +The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. "My guardian understands +me not, pretty one--and thou? what sayest thou? From those dear +lips methinks--plura sunt oscula quam sententiae--I kiss away thy +tears, dove!--they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will +dry, and presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they +have beamed on poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not all forget +him, sweet one. He was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for +all the world said--" + +"That, that he had," cried the gaoler and the girl in voices +gurgling with emotion. And you who read! you unconvicted Convict-- +you murderer, though haply you have slain no one--you Felon in +posse if not in esse--deal gently with one who has used the +Opportunity that has failed thee--and believe that the Truthful and +the Beautiful bloom sometimes in the dock and the convict's tawny +Gabardine! + + . . . . . . . . + +In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought +to acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. "It may be an +error of judgment," he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol, +"but it is no crime. Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where +there is no remorse, Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry: +therefore, I am innocent. Is the proposition a fair one?" + +The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested. + +"And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow," the Boy resumed, "for +ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was +dross, and who never had a feeling for the Truthful and the +Beautiful? When I stood before my uncle in the moonlight, in the +gardens of the ancestral halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that it +was the Nemesis come to overthrow him. 'Dog,' I said to the +trembling slave, 'tell me where thy Gold is. THOU hast no use for +it. I can spend it in relieving the Poverty on which thou +tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest not; in uplifting +Art, to which thou art blind. Give Gold, and thou art free.' But +he spake not, and I slew him." + +"I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated," said the +admirable chaplain, "for its general practice might chance to do +harm. Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and +Beloved, the Poet and Sage, urged by what I cannot but think a +grievous error, hast appeared as Avenger. Think what would be the +world's condition, were men without any Yearning after the Ideal to +attempt to reorganize Society, to redistribute Property, to avenge +Wrong." + +"A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven," said the noble though +misguided young Prisoner. "Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell." + +"Yes, indeed, my brave youth!" the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed, +clasping the Prisoner's marble and manacled hand; "and the Tragedy +of To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be +permitted even to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of +the Ideal and the Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the +Real likewise." + +"Look! here is supper!" cried Barnwell gayly. "This is the Real, +Doctor; let us respect it and fall to." He partook of the meal as +joyously as if it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy +chaplain could scarcely eat it for tears. + + +* This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is expressed much +more eloquently in the ingenious romance of Eugene Aram:--"The +burning desires I have known--the resplendent visions I have +nursed--the sublime aspirings that have lifted me so often from +sense and clay: these tell me, that whether for good or ill, I am +the thing of an immortality and the creature of a God. . . . I +have destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by which +he afflicted society, I have been the means of blessing many." + + + +CODLINGSBY. + +BY D. SHREWSBERRY, ESQ. + + +I. + + +"The whole world is bound by one chain. In every city in the globe +there is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize +from its likeness to its brother district in all other places where +are congregated the habitations of men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or +Stamboul, or New York, or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain +district where a certain man is not a stranger. Where the idols +are fed with incense by the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the +minarets soar sparkling above the cypresses, their reflections +quivering in the lucid waters of the Golden Horn; where the yellow +Tiber flows under broken bridges and over imperial glories; where +the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the palm-trees; where the +Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its bridges, its +graceful factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes--hidden in fog and +smoke by the dirtiest river in the world--in all the cities of +mankind there is One Home whither men of one family may resort. +Over the entire world spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering, +silent, scattered, sympathizing, WAITING--an immense Free-Masonry. +Once this world-spread band was an Arabian clan--a little nation +alone and outlying amongst the mighty monarchies of ancient time, +the Megatheria of history. The sails of their rare ships might be +seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of their caravans might +thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the date-groves of +Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in many wars, +against mighty odds; but 'twas a small people, and on one dark +night the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian's Eagles, and in +flame, and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . . +Yes, the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken +the world in exchange?" + +Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he +debouched from Wych Street into the Strand. He had been to take a +box for Armida at Madame Vestris's theatre. That little Armida was +folle of Madame Vestris's theatre; and her little brougham, and her +little self, and her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, +and her miraculous bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty +guineas every evening at Nathan's in Covent Garden (the children of +the gardeners of Sharon have still no rival for flowers), might be +seen, three nights in the week at least, in the narrow, charming, +comfortable little theatre. Godfrey had the box. He was +strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts passed +through the young noble's mind as he came in sight of Holywell +Street. + +The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in +the evening sunshine. Children were playing on the steps. Fathers +were smoking at the lintel. Smiling faces looked out from the +various and darkling draperies with which the warehouses were hung. +Ringlets glossy, and curly, and jetty--eyes black as night-- +midsummer night--when it lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks +of eagles--eager quivering nostrils--lips curved like the bow of +Love--every man or maiden, every babe or matron in that English +Jewry bore in his countenance one or more of these characteristics +of his peerless Arab race. + +"How beautiful they are!" mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these +placid groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset. + +"D'you vant to look at a nishe coat?" a voice said, which made him +start; and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of +Stultz's with a familiarity which would have made the baron +tremble. + +"Rafael Mendoza!" exclaimed Godfrey. + +"The same, Lord Codlingsby," the individual so apostrophized +replied. "I told you we should meet again where you would little +expect me. Will it please you to enter? this is Friday, and we +close at sunset. It rejoices my heart to welcome you home." So +saying Rafael laid his hand on his breast, and bowed, an oriental +reverence. All traces of the accent with which he first addressed +Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise; half the Hebrew's +life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, since the Norman +boors persecuted him. + +They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies, +greasy spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and +hideous as the entrance was foul. "THIS your home, Rafael?" said +Lord Codlingsby. + +"Why not?" Rafael answered. "I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein; +the Rhine bores me after a while. It is too hot for Florence; +besides they have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place +smells of putty. You wouldn't have a man, mon cher, bury himself +in his chateau in Normandy, out of the hunting season? The +Rugantino Palace stupefies me. Those Titians are so gloomy, I +shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I think, from my house at the +Hague hung over them." + +"How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you, +Rafael?" Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing. + +"This is one," Rafael answered. "Come in." + + +II. + + +The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming +sullenly over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary's was clanging +with alarm; St. Giles's tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, +flights of brickbats, stones shivering windows, groans of wounded +men, cries of frightened females, cheers of either contending party +as it charged the enemy from Carfax to Trumpington Street, +proclaimed that the battle was at its height. + +In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the +cuirassiers would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that +infuriate mob. In France they would have brought down artillery, +and played on it with twenty-four pounders. In Cambridge nobody +heeded the disturbance--it was a Town and Gown row. + +The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout +Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the +Brazenose light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words +arose regarding the dispute. After returning from Granchester, +when the boats pulled back to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance +between the Townsmen and the University youths--their invariable +opponents--grew louder and more violent, until it broke out in open +battle. Sparring and skirmishing took place along the pleasant +fields that lead from the University gate down to the broad and +shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of Balliol and +Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young sizar +at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar of +the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful +butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great +University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the +combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection. + +During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a +narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a +hundred yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have +a good view of that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, +with a few rapid strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a +furlong ahead; then he would wait, surveying the race, and sending +up volumes of odor from his cool narghilly. + +"Who is he?" asked the crowds who panted along the shore, +encouraging, according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the +oarsmen in the race. Town and Gown alike asked who it was, who, +with an ease so provoking, in a barque so singular, with a form +seemingly so slight, but a skill so prodigious, beat their best +men. No answer could be given to the query, save that a gentleman +in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six fourgons and a +courier, had arrived the day before at the "Hoop Inn," opposite +Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the +individual in question. + +No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any +that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman. +That boat--slim, shining, and shooting through the water like a +pike after a small fish--was a caique from Tophana; it had +distanced the Sultan's oarsmen and the best crews of the Capitan +Pasha in the Bosphorus; it was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, +Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The Bashee had refused fifty +thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the Russian Ambassador, for +that little marvel. When his head was taken off, the Father of +Believers presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza. + +It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the +battle of Nezeeb. By sending three millions of piastres to the +Seraskier; by bribing Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in +the camp of the victorious Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army +was stopped--the menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from +ruin; the Marchioness of Stokepogis, our ambassador's lady, +appeared in a suite of diamonds which outblazed even the Romanoff +jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the little caique. He never +travelled without it. It was scarcely heavier than an arm-chair. +Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the Cam that morning, +and Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have mentioned. + +The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed, +full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown was angry, the Town, +too, was on the alert. From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and +mill, from wharf and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the +enemy, and their battle was soon general. From the Addenbrook's +hospital to the Blenheim turnpike, all Cambridge was in an uproar-- +the college gates closed--the shops barricaded--the shop-boys away +in support of their brother townsmen--the battle raged, and the +Gown had the worst of the fight. + +A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at +his inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university +cooks to entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water +formed his meal. In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to +partake of the slighted banquet. "A breakfast! psha!" said he. +"My good man, I have nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from four +hundred a year. I can have a dinner at any hour; but a Town and +Gown row" (a brickbat here flying through the window crashed the +caraffe of water in Mendoza's hand)--"a Town and Gown row is a +novelty to me. The Town has the best of it, clearly, though: the +men outnumber the lads. Ha, a good blow! How that tall townsman +went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet trencher +cap." + +"That is the Lord Codlingsby," the landlord said. + +"A light weight, but a pretty fighter," Mendoza remarked. "Well +hit with your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby; +claret drawn, by Jupiter!" + +"Ours is werry fine," the landlord said. "Will your Highness have +Chateau Margaux or Lafitte?" + +"He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!" +Rafael exclaimed, as an enormous boatman--no other than Rullock-- +indeed, the most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose +fists the Gownsmen went down like ninepins--fought his way up to +the spot where, with admirable spirit and resolution, Lord +Codlingsby and one or two of his friends were making head against a +number of the town. + +The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his +race, but was no match for the enemy's strength and weight and +sinew, and went down at every round. The brutal fellow had no +mercy on the lad. His savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed +the unequal combat from the inn-window. "Hold your hand!" he cried +to this Goliath; "don't you see he's but a boy?" + +"Down he goes again!" the bargeman cried, not heeding the +interruption. "Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!" + +"Coward!" shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a +shower of brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one +of the pillars to the ground, was an instant's work. + +At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman. + + . . . . . . . . + +After the coroner's inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to +each of the bargeman's ten children, and it was thus his first +acquaintance was formed with Lord Codlingsby. + +But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell +Street. Let us go in. + + +III. + + +Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of +the old mansion in Holywell Street. It was a masquerade warehouse +to all appearance. A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing +at the dark and grimy counter, strewed with old feathers, old +yellow hoots, old stage mantles, painted masks, blind and yet +gazing at you with a look of sad death-like intelligence from the +vacancy behind their sockets. + +A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny +and silver, slashed with dirty light blue. He was going to a +masquerade that night. He thought Polly Pattens would admire him +in the dress--Polly Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work--the +Borough Venus, adored by half the youth of Guy's. + +"You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint," pretty Rachel said, +coaxing him with her beady black eyes. + +"It IS the cheese," replied Mr. Lint; "it ain't the dress that +don't suit, my rose of Sharon; it's the FIGURE. Hullo, Rafael, is +that you, my lad of sealing-wax? Come and intercede for me with +this wild gazelle; she says I can't have it under fifteen bob for +the night. And it's too much: cuss me if it's not too much, unless +you'll take my little bill at two months, Rafael." + +"There's a sweet pretty brigand's dress you may have for half de +monish," Rafael replied; "there's a splendid clown for eight bob; +but for dat Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve'd ask +a guinea of any but you. Here's a gentlemansh just come to look at +it. Look 'ear, Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan +dat?" So saying, Rafael turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost +gravity, and displayed to him the garment about which the young +medicus was haggling. + +"Cheap at the money," Codlingsby replied; "if you won't make up +your mind, sir, I should like to engage it myself." But the +thought that another should appear before Polly Pattens in that +costume was too much for Mr. Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen +shillings for the garment. And Rafael, pocketing the money with +perfect simplicity, said, "Dis vay, Mr. Brownsh: dere's someting +vill shoot you in the next shop." + +Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering. + +"You are surprised at our system," said Rafael, marking the evident +bewilderment of his friend. "Confess you would call it meanness-- +my huckstering with yonder young fool. I call it simplicity. Why +throw away a shilling without need? Our race never did. A +shilling is four men's bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers +by holding them out relief in their necessity? It is you who are +mean--you Normans--not we of the ancient race. You have your +vulgar measurement for great things and small. You call a thousand +pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable. Psha, my Codlingsby! +One is as the other. I trade in pennies and in millions. I am +above or below neither." + +They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of +cedar, and, in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the +young Hebrews are in the habit of vending through the streets. "I +have sold bundles and bundles of these," said Rafael. "My little +brother is now out with oranges in Piccadilly. I am bringing him +up to be head of our house at Amsterdam. We all do it. I had +myself to see Rothschild in Eaton Place this morning, about the +Irish loan, of which I have taken three millions: and as I wanted +to walk, I carried the bag. + +"You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the +Archbishop of Croydon's daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet's, +Knightsbridge, and as she fancied she recognized in the man who was +crying old clothes the gentleman with whom she had talked at the +Count de St. Aulair's the night before." Something like a blush +flushed over the pale features of Mendoza as he mentioned the Lady +Lauda's name. "Come on," said he. They passed through various +warehouses--the orange room, the sealing-wax room, the six-bladed +knife department, and finally came to an old baize door. Rafael +opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they were in +a black passage, with a curtain at the end. + +He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew +back, and a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his +visitor. + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +They entered a moderate-sized apartment--indeed, Holywell Street is +not above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than +half that length--it was fitted up with the simple taste of its +owner. + +The carpet was of white velvet--(laid over several webs of Aubusson, +Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it +trod upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed +you)--of white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic +figures, by Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and +Paul Delaroche. The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and +fringed with Valenciennes lace and bullion. The walls were hung +with cloth of silver, embroidered with gold figures, over which were +worked pomegranates, polyanthuses, and passion-flowers, in ruby, +amethyst, and smaragd. The drops of dew which the artificer had +sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds. The hangings were overhung +by pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the gorgeous, Titian the +golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of Painting), some of +Murillo's beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you out of darkness +like a star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and fifty of the +master-pieces of the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial genius +of Urbino, covered the walls of the little chamber. Divans of carved +amber covered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst was +a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double-distilled +otto of roses. + +"Pipes, Goliath!" Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver +collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); and +welcome to our snuggery, my Codlingsby. We are quieter here than +in the front of the house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I'm +proud of my pictures. That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a +gift to our father from my cousin, Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo +was pawned to my uncle by Marie Antoinette before the flight to +Varennes--the poor lady could not redeem the pledge, you know, and +the picture remains with us. As for the Rafael, I suppose you are +aware that he was one of our people. But what are you gazing at? +Oh! my sister--I forgot. Miriam! this is the Lord Codlingsby." + +She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl +music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz. She rose when thus +apostrophized. Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger. + +The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives--Zillah the dark beauty; +Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva +were golden. The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were +morning. Codlingsby was fair--of the fair Saxon race of Hengist +and Horsa--they called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much +fairer was Miriam the Hebrew! + +Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the +delight of all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at. +It was of burning auburn. Meandering over her fairest shoulders in +twenty thousand minute ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. +A light blue velvet fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued +at two hundred thousand tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant +Vicovich, who had received it from Dost Mahomed), with a simple bird +of paradise, formed her head-gear. A sea-green cymar with short +sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded arms to perfection, and +was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over a yellow satin frock. +Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and slippers of the same +color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but so covered with +pearls that the original hue of the charming little papoosh +disappeared entirely) completed her costume. She had three +necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess--her +fingers glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and priceless +bracelets, bangles, and armlets wound round an arm that was whiter +than the ivory grand piano on which it leaned. + +As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the +solemn welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the +brightness of her beauty. It was well she spoke; the sweet kind +voice restored him to consciousness. Muttering a few words of +incoherent recognition, he sank upon a sandalwood settee, as +Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic coffee in cups of opal, +and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the fragrant Gibelly. + +"My lord's pipe is out," said Miriam with a smile, remarking the +bewilderment of her guest--who in truth forgot to smoke--and taking +up a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it +at the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk +of Lord Codlingsby. + + +IV. + + +When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a +signal from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of +the ivory piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he +were listening at the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny +Lind. + +"Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of +Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or +Lewis or Lyons or Lion. The beautiful and the brave alike give +cognizances to the ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves +Brown, or Smith, or Rodgers," Rafael observed to his friend; and, +drawing the instrument from his pocket, he accompanied his sister, +in the most ravishing manner, on a little gold and jewelled harp, +of the kind peculiar to his nation. + +All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by +composers of her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca +by Braham, a delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber, +that, thrilling on the strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony +on the fibres of the heart; but she sang no other than the songs of +her nation. + +"Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always," Codlingsby thought. "I +could sit at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that +Paradise-birds were singing in the boughs." + +Rafael read his thoughts. "We have Saxon blood too in our veins," +he said. "You smile! but it is even so. An ancestress of ours +made a mesalliance in the reign of your King John. Her name was +Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, and she married in Spain, +whither she had fled to the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of +Ivanhoe; then a widower by the demise of his first lady, Rowena. +The match was deemed a cruel insult amongst our people but Wilfred +conformed, and was a Rabbi of some note at the synagogue of +Cordova. We are descended from him lineally. It is the only blot +upon the escutcheon of the Mendozas." + +As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having +retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the +soul of the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers +from the outer apartments came in to transact business with him. + +First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers +to sign. "How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is +your son tired of his yacht yet?" Mendoza asked. "That is my +twenty-fourth cashier," said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the +obsequious clerk went away. "He is fond of display, and all my +people may have what money they like." + +Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his +mortgage. The Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a +haughty air, shrank back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding +the magnificence around him. "Little Mordecai," said Rafael to a +little orange-boy, who came in at the heels of the noble, "take +this gentleman out and let him have ten thousand pounds. I can't +do more for you, my lord, than this--I'm busy. Good-by!" And +Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking his +narghilly. + +A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache, +came next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily +upon his high-heeled boots. "Tell your master that he shall have +two millions more, but not another shilling," Rafael said. That +story about the five-and-twenty millions of ready money at +Cronstadt is all bosh. They won't believe it in Europe. You +understand me, Count Grogomoffski?" + +"But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the +knout unless--" + +"Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court," +said Mendoza good-naturedly. "Leave me at peace, Count: don't you +see it is Friday, and almost sunset?" The Calmuck envoy retired +cringing, and left an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him. + +An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping +bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new +loan for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid +colloquy in his own language, was dismissed by Rafael. + +"The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be +disposed of," Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from +Spain, General the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him. "Which shall it +be, my Codlingsby?" Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer--for +indeed he was amazed to find all the affairs of the world +represented here, and Holywell Street the centre of Europe--when +three knocks of a peculiar nature were heard, and Mendoza starting +up, said, "Ha! there are only four men in the world who know that +signal." At once, and with a reverence quite distinct from his +former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer. + +He was an old man--an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race-- +the light of his eyes was unfathomable--about his mouth there +played an inscrutable smile. He had a cotton umbrella, and old +trousers, and old boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a +rotten old pear. + +He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made +him the lowest reverence. + +"I am tired," says he; "I have come in fifteen hours. I am ill at +Neuilly," he added with a grin. "Get me some eau sucree, and tell +me the news, Prince de Mendoza. These bread rows; this unpopularity +of Guizot; this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling +Montpensier and daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against +Coletti, makes me quite ill. Give me your opinion, my dear duke. +But ha! whom have we here?" + +The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language +to address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have +pleaded ignorance of that tongue. But he had been at Cambridge, +where all the youth acquire it perfectly. + +"SIRE," said he, "I will not disguise from you that I know the +ancient tongue in which you speak. There are probably secrets +between Mendoza and your Maj--" + +"Hush!" said Rafael, leading him from the room. "Au revoir, dear +Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of US," he whispered at the door; +"so is the Pope of Rome; so is . . ."--a whisper concealed the +rest. + +"Gracious powers! is it so?" said Codlingsby, musing. He entered +into Holywell Street. The sun was sinking. + +"It is time," said he, "to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic." + + + +PHIL FOGARTY. + +A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH. + +BY HARRY ROLLICKER. + + +I. + + +The gabion was ours. After two hours' fighting we were in +possession of the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable +as circumstances would admit. Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry +Blake, the Doctor, and myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our +servants laid out a hasty supper on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had +escaped me so provokingly after I cut him down, his spoils were +mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna sausage were found in the Marshal's +holsters; and in the haversack of a French private who lay a corpse +on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread, his three days' ration. +Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may be sure, wherever +the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him in his +instrument-case. We sat down and made a soldier's supper. The +Doctor pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees +growing near (and round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had +made a desperate rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere's +helmet. + +"'Faith, it never had so much wit in it before," said the Doctor, +as he ladled out the drink. We all roared with laughing, except +the guardsman, who was as savage as a Turk at a christening. + +"Buvez-en," said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; "ca vous fera +du bien, mon vieux coq!" and the Colonel, whose wound had been just +dressed, eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with +a health to the donors. + +How strange are the chances of war! But half an hour before he and +I were engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my +conqueror. Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his +horse, and was about to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which +luckily was parried by my sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the +next instant at my throat--I was on the ground--my prisoner had +escaped, and a gigantic warrior in the uniform of a colonel of the +regiment of Artois glaring over me with pointed sword. + +"Rends-toi, coquin!" said he. + +"Allez an Diable!" said I: "a Fogarty never surrenders." + +I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in +Killaloo--I felt the tip of his blade between my teeth--I breathed +a prayer, and shut my eyes--when the tables were turned--the butt- +end of Lanty Clancy's musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm +that held it. + +"Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish," said the French officer, with a curse +in the purest Irish. It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough +to bid Lanty hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have +brained my gallant adversary. We were the better friends for our +combat, as what gallant hearts are not? + +The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we +sat down to make the most of our time. The rogue of a Doctor took +the liver-wing for his share--we gave the other to our guest, a +prisoner; those scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the +legs--and, 'faith, poor I was put off with the Pope's nose and a +bit of the back. + +"How d'ye like his Holiness's FAYTURE?" said Jerry Blake. + +"Anyhow you'll have a MERRY THOUGHT," cried the incorrigible +Doctor, and all the party shrieked at the witticism. + +"De mortuis nil nisi bonum," said Jack, holding up the drumstick +clean. + +"'Faith, there's not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED, +anyhow," said I; "come, boys, let's have a song." + +"Here goes," said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his +own composition-- + + + "Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill, + And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill, + Was once Tommy Tosspot's, as jovial a sot, + As e'er drew a spigot, or drain'd a full pot-- + In drinking all round 'twas his joy to surpass, + And with all merry tipplers he swigg'd off his glass. + + "One morning in summer, while seated so snug, + In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug, + Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear, + And said, 'Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;' + We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can, + From which let us drink to the health of my Nan." + + +"Psha!" said the Doctor, "I've heard that song before; here's a new +one for you, boys!" and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice-- + + + "You've all heard of Larry O'Toole, + Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole; + He had but one eye, + To ogle ye by-- + Oh, murther, but that was a jew'l! + A fool + He made of de girls, dis O'Toole. + + "'Twas he was the boy didn't fail, + That tuck down pataties and mail; + He never would shrink + From any sthrong dthrink, + Was it whisky or Drogheda ale; + I'm bail + This Larry would swallow a pail. + + "Oh, many a night at the bowl, + With Larry I've sot cheek by jowl; + He's gone to his rest, + Where there's dthrink of the best, + And so let us give his old sowl + A howl, + For twas he made the noggin to rowl." + + +I observed the French Colonel's eye glistened as he heard these +well-known accents of his country but we were too well-bred to +pretend to remark his emotion. + +The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were +finished, and each began to look out with some anxiety for the +preconcerted signal, the rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian's quarters, +which was to announce the recommencement of hostilities. It came +just as the moon rose in her silver splendor, and ere the rocket- +stick fell quivering to the earth at the feet of General Picton +and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts at the head of the +storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns in position +opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by a +tremendous canonnade from the fort. + +"Who's going to dance?" said the Doctor: "the ball's begun. Ha! +there goes poor Jack Delamere's head off! The ball chose a soft +one, anyhow. Come here, Tim, till I mend your leg. Your wife has +need only knit half as many stockings next year, Doolan my boy. +Faix! there goes a big one had wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad! +it has snuffed the feather off my cocked hat!" + +In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail, +the undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty. That +he had a feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more +so than Philip Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war. + +Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the +Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little. "Be +cool, boys," I said; "it will be hot enough work for you ere long." +The honest fellows answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it +affected our prisoner. + +"Countryman," said I, "I know you; but an Irishman was never a +traitor." + +"Taisez-vous!" said he, putting his finger to his lip. "C'est la +fortune de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the +Marquis d' O'Mahony, and I may render you the hospitality which +your tyrannous laws prevent me from exercising in the ancestral +halls of my own race." + +I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye. It was, +then, the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a +Marquis by Napoleon on the field of Austerlitz! + +"Marquis," said I, "the country which disowns you is proud of you; +but--ha! here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance." And +in fact, Captain Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot, +asked for the commander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself +in readiness to move as soon as the flank companies of the Ninety- +ninth, and Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade of the German +Legion began to advance up the echelon. The devoted band soon +arrived; Jack Bowser heading the Ninety-ninth (when was he away and +a storming-party to the fore?), and the gallant Potztausend, with +his Hanoverian veterans. + +The second rocket flew up. + +"Forward, Onety-oneth!" cried I, in a voice of thunder. "Killaloo +boys, follow your captain!" and with a shrill hurray, that sounded +above the tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep; +Bowser with the brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend, +keeping well up with us. We passed the demilune, we passed the +culverin, bayoneting the artillerymen at their guns; we advanced +across the two tremendous demilunes which flank the counterscarp, +and prepared for the final spring upon the citadel. Soult I could +see quite pale on the wall; and the scoundrel Cambaceres, who had +been so nearly my prisoner that day, trembled as he cheered his +men. "On, boys, on!" I hoarsely exclaimed. "Hurroo!" said the +fighting Onety-oneth. + +But there was a movement among the enemy. An officer, glittering +with orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to +the wall, and I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous +Joachim Murat. + +"We are hardly pressed, methinks," Napoleon said sternly. "I must +exercise my old trade as an artilleryman;" and Murat loaded, and +the Emperor pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that +had not been silenced by our fire. + +"Hurray, Killaloo boys!" shouted I. The next moment a sensation of +numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the +rampart. + + +II. + + +"Hush!" said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis +d' O'Mahony. "Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you. For +six weeks those are the only sane words I have heard from you." + +"Faix, and 'tis thrue for you, Colonel dear," cried another voice, +with which I was even more familiar; 'twas that of my honest and +gallant Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at +his master's recovery. + +"O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day +intirely, when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't +write, to the lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; +and 'tis his Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he +reads the letther! Six weeks ravin' and roarin' as bould as a +lion, and as mad as Mick Malony's pig, that mistuck Mick's wig for +a cabbage, and died of atin' it!" + +"And have I then lost my senses?" I exclaimed feebly. + +"Sure, didn't ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday, +and catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora's jet- +black ringlets?" Lanty cried. + +At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young +creature I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of +the bed, and sailed out of the room. + +"Confusion, you blundering rogue," I cried; "who is that lovely +lady whom you frightened away by your impertinence? Donna Anna? +Where am I?" + +"You are in good hands, Philip," said the Colonel; "you are at my +house in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military +Governor. You and Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the +cannon-ball at Burgos. Do not be ashamed: 'twas the Emperor +pointed the gun;" and the Colonel took off his hat as he mentioned +the name darling to France. "When our troops returned from the +sally in which your gallant storming party was driven back, you +were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the City. +Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but, +unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who +saved my life in '98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris." + +"And many's the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther +Phil," said Clancy. + +"Brought you to Paris," resumed the Colonel, smiling; "where, by +the soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you +have been restored to health, thank heaven!" + +"And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?" I cried. + +"That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a +descendant of the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses, +Madame la Marechale de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria." + +"Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?" I cried. + +"Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?" the Colonel replied. +"C'est la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and +take this potion which Blanche has prepared for you." + +I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had +compounded it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for +I sank into a cool and refreshing slumber. + +From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of +youth's happy time. Blanche--the enchanting Blanche--ministered +henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily +hand. And what were the effects? 'Faith, ere a month was past, +the patient was over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as +for Baron Larrey, and Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to +the right-about. In a short time I was in a situation to do +justice to the gigot aux navets, the boeuf aux cornichons, and the +other delicious entremets of the Marquis's board, with an appetite +that astonished some of the Frenchmen who frequented it. + +"Wait till he's quite well, Miss," said Lanty, who waited always +behind me. "'Faith! when he's in health, I'd back him to ate a +cow, barrin' the horns and teel." I sent a decanter at the rogue's +head, by way of answer to his impertinence. + +Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole +withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot +of prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis's interest with the Emperor +prevailed, and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of +prisoners, at the Colonel's hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had +the opportunity (an opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a +young fellow with the accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of +mixing with the elite of French society, and meeting with many of +the great, the beautiful, and the brave. Talleyrand was a frequent +guest of the Marquis's. His bon-mots used to keep the table in a +roar. Ney frequently took his chop with us; Murat, when in town, +constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and friendly round game. +Alas! who would have thought those two gallant heads would be so +soon laid low? My wife has a pair of earrings which the latter, +who always wore them, presented to her--but we are advancing +matters. Anybody could see, "avec un demioeil," as the Prince of +Benevento remarked, how affairs went between me and Blanche; but +though she loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his +person, the brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs upon her. + +I recollect it was on St. Patrick's Day. My lovely friend had +procured, from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison +(whom we loved a thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a +sandy-haired woman, between ourselves, with an odious squint), a +quantity of shamrock wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the +Irish in Paris were invited to the national festival. + +I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline +Bonaparte and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of +sets with Madame Recamier; and Robespierre's widow--an excellent, +gentle creature, quite unlike her husband--stood up with the +Austrian ambassador. Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David +and Nicholas Poussin, and Canova, who was in town making a statue +of the Emperor for Leo X., and, in a word, all the celebrities of +Paris--as my gifted countrywoman, the wild Irish girl, calls them-- +were assembled in the Marquis's elegant receiving-rooms. + +At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise! La +Gigue Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the +Parisians ever since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it. +She stepped forward and took me for a partner, and amidst the +bravoes of the crowd, in which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince +of Wagram, and the Austrian ambassador, we showed to the beau monde +of the French capital, I flatter myself, a not unfavorable specimen +of the dance of our country. + +As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the +"rail" style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, "Be on +your guard; I see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of +Otranto, about us; and when Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they +bode him no good." + +"Cambaceres is jealous," said I. "I have it," says she; "I'll make +him dance a turn with me." So, presently, as the music was going +like mad all this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds, +and sat down. The lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out +Cambaceres as a second partner. + +The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give +himself a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was +speedily visible. He puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops +trickled down his purple face, while my lovely mischief of a +Blanche went on dancing at treble quick, till she fairly danced him +down. + +"Who'll take the flure with me?" said the charming girl, animated +by the sport. + +"Faix, den, 'tis I, Lanty Clancy!" cried my rascal, who had been +mad with excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and +a hurroo, he began to dance with such rapidity as made all present +stare. + +As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid +cavalcade traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the +Marquis's door. A crowd appeared to mount the stair; the great +doors of the reception-room were flung open, and two pages +announced their Majesties the Emperor and the Empress. So engaged +were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard the tumult occasioned +by the august approach. + +It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre +Francais, and seeing the Marquis's windows lighted up, proposed to +the Empress to drop in on the party. He made signs to the +musicians to continue: and the conqueror of Marengo and Friedland +watched with interest the simple evolutions of two happy Irish +people. Even the Empress smiled and, seeing this, all the +courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were delighted. + +"Is not this a great day for Ireland?" said the Marquis, with a +tear trickling down his noble face. "O Ireland! O my country! +But no more of that. Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her +Majesty the choice of punch or negus." + +Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was +Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine +by her former marriage with a French gentleman of good family. +Having a smack of the old blood in him, Eugene's manners were much +more refined than those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the +Emperor's Court, where (for my knife and fork were regularly laid +at the Tuileries) I have seen my poor friend Murat repeatedly +mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the gallant Massena devour +pease by means of his knife, in a way more innocent than graceful. +Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at these eccentricities +of our brave friends; who certainly did not shine in the +drawing-room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle. +The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and was full of +kindness and attention. + +"I like Eugene," he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as +his way was--"I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows +as you; you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the +camp have none. And I like you, Philip my boy," he added, "for +being so attentive to my poor wife--the Empress Josephine, I mean." +All these honors made my friends at the Marquis's very proud, and +my enemies at Court crever with envy. Among these, the atrocious +Cambaceres was not the least active and envenomed. + +The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which, +like a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal +amiability, soon was apparent. Having formed a good opinion of my +gallantry from my conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes +during the war, the Emperor was most anxious to attach me to his +service. The Grand Cross of St. Louis, the title of Count, the +command of a crack cavalry regiment, the l4me Chevaux Marins, were +the bribes that were actually offered to me; and must I say it? +Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one of the agents +employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason. + +"Object to enter a foreign service!" she said, in reply to my +refusal. "It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service. The +Irish nation is in exile, and in the territories of its French +allies. Irish traitors are not here; they march alone under the +accursed flag of the Saxon, whom the great Napoleon would have +swept from the face of the earth, but for the fatal valor of Irish +mercenaries! Accept this offer, and my heart, my hand, my all are +yours. Refuse it, Philip, and we part." + +"To wed the abominable Cambaceres!" I cried, stung with rage. "To +wear a duchess's coronet, Blanche! Ha, ha! Mushrooms, instead of +strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French +nobility. I shall withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to +prison--to be exchanged--to die--anything rather than be a traitor, +and the tool of a traitress!" Taking up my hat, I left the room in +a fury; and flinging open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was +listening at the key-hole, and must have overheard every word of +our conversation. + +We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter +at our mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only made me more mad; and, +having spurs on, I began digging them into Cambaceres' fat sides as +we rolled on the carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and +anger. + +"This insult must be avenged with blood!" roared the Duke of +Illyria. + +"I have already drawn it," says I, "with my spurs." + +"Malheur et malediction!" roared the Marshal. + +"Hadn't you better settle your wig?" says I, offering it to him on +the tip of my cane, "and we'll arrange time and place when you have +put your jasey in order." I shall never forget the look of revenge +which he cast at me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before +his mistress. + +"Lady Blanche," I continued bitterly, "as you look to share the +Duke's coronet, hadn't you better see to his wig?" and so saying, I +cocked my hat, and walked out of the Marquis's place, whistling +"Garryowen." + +I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him +in the Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was +looking at the picture-shop in the corner. I explained to him my +affair in a twinkling. He at once agreed to go with me to the +ground, and commended me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the +offer which had been made to me. "I knew it would be so," he said, +kindly; "I told my father you wouldn't. A man with the blood of +the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn't wheel about like those fellows +of yesterday." So, when Cambaceres came out, which he did +presently, with a more furious air than before, I handed him at +once over to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and an early +hour for the meeting to take place. + +"Can you make it before eleven, Phil?" said Beauharnais. "The +Emperor reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour, +and we might fight there handy before the review." + +"Done!" said I. "I want of all things to see the newly-arrived +Saxon cavalry manoeuvre:" on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as +much as to say, "See sights! Watch cavalry manoeuvres! Make your +soul, and take measure for a coffin, my boy!" walked away, naming +our mutual acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in +the business. + +I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of +Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at +Salamanca, with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top +of him. Bugaboo was too much and too ugly an animal for the King +of Naples, who, though a showy horseman, was a bad rider across +country; and I got the horse for a song. A wickeder and uglier +brute never wore pig-skin; and I never put my leg over such a +timber-jumper in my life. I rode the horse down to the Bois de +Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres was to come +off, and Lanty held him as I went in, "sure to win," as they say in +the ring. + +Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I, +who am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and +that I could wing him if I had a mind. As soon as Ney gave the +word, we both fired: I felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up +my hand there, found a large piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at +the same moment, and shrieking a horrible malediction, my adversary +reeled and fell. + +"Mon Dieu, il est mort!" cried Ney. + +"Pas de tout," said Beauharnais. "Ecoute; il jure toujours." + +And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the +ground cursing most frightfully. We went up to him: he was blind +with the loss of blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of +his nose. He recovered; but he was always called the Prince of +Ponterotto in the French army, afterwards. The surgeon in +attendance having taken charge of this unfortunate warrior, we rode +off to the review where Ney and Eugene were on duty at the head of +their respective divisions; and where, by the way, Cambaceres, as +the French say, "se faisait desirer." + +It was arranged that Cambaceres' division of six battalions and +nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement, +supported by artillery in the intervals, and converging by +different epaulements on the light infantry, that formed, as usual, +the centre of the line. It was by this famous manoeuvre that at +Arcola, at Montenotte, at Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran, +Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and General Castanos were defeated with +such victorious slaughter: but it is a movement which, I need not +tell every military man, requires the greatest delicacy of +execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army into confusion. + +"Where is the Duke of Illyria?" Napoleon asked. "At the head of +his division, no doubt," said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an +arch look, put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall +off my horse with laughter. Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at +this moment the troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre +began, and his Majesty's attention was taken off from my impudence. + +Milhaud's Dragoons, their bands playing "Vive Henri Quatre," their +cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre +from the left flank in the most brilliant order, while the +Carbineers of Foy, and the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet +d'Erlon, executed a carambolade on the right, with the precision +which became those veteran troops; but the Chasseurs of the young +guard, marching by twos instead of threes, bore consequently upon +the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and ill-affected body), and +then, falling back in disorder, became entangled with the artillery +and the left centre of the line, and in one instant thirty thousand +men were in inextricable confusion. + +"Clubbed, by Jabers!" roared out Lanty Clancy. "I wish we could +show 'em the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling." + +"Silence, fellow!" I exclaimed. I never saw the face of man +express passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of +Napoleon. He tore off General Milhaud's epaulettes, which he flung +into Foy's face. He glared about him wildly, like a demon, and +shouted hoarsely for the Duke of Illyria. "He is wounded, Sire," +said General Foy, wiping a tear from his eye, which was blackened +by the force of the blow; "he was wounded an hour since in a duel, +Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de Fogarty." + +"Wounded! a marshal of France wounded! Where is the Englishman? +Bring him out, and let a file of grenadiers--" + +"Sire!" interposed Eugene. + +"Let him be shot!" shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me +with the fury of a fiend. + +This was too much. "Here goes!" said I, and rode slap at him. + +There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and +I should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in +an instant. But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had +only wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of +Phil Fogarty from this discharge. + +Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor's head, and Bugaboo went +at it like a shot. He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned +quite pale as I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor, +scarcely brushing the cockade which he wore. + +"Bravo!" said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap. + +"Cut him down!" said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic +Cuirassier; and he made a pass at me with his sword. But he little +knew an Irishman on an Irish horse. Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and +fetched the monster a slap with his near hind hoof which sent him +reeling from his saddle,--and away I went, with an army of a hundred +and seventy-three thousand eight hundred men at my heels. * * * * + + + +BARBAZURE. + +BY G. P. R. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC. + + +I. + + +It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only +known in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of +Alsace, that two cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked +eye threading one of the rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the +mountain-land between the Marne and the Garonne. The rosy tints of +the declining luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which lined +the path, through which the horsemen wound slowly; and as these +eternal battlements with which Nature had hemmed in the ravine +which our travellers trod, blushed with the last tints of the +fading sunlight, the valley below was gray and darkling, and the +hard and devious course was sombre in twilight. A few goats, +hardly visible among the peaks, were cropping the scanty herbage +here and there. The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks +as they trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up +plaintive echoes which moaned through those rocky and lonely +steeps; the stars began to glimmer in the purple heavens spread +serenely overhead and the faint crescent of the moon, which had +peered for some time scarce visible in the azure, gleamed out more +brilliantly at every moment, until it blazed as if in triumph at +the sun's retreat. 'Tis a fair land that of France, a gentle, a +green, and a beautiful; the home of arts and arms, of chivalry and +romance, and (however sadly stained by the excesses of modern +times) 'twas the unbought grace of nations once, and the seat of +ancient renown and disciplined valor. + +And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and +bravery is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that +one over which our travellers wended, and which stretches between +the good towns of Vendemiaire and Nivose. 'Tis common now to a +hundred thousand voyagers: the English tourist, with his chariot +and his Harvey's Sauce, and his imperials; the bustling commis- +voyageur on the roof of the rumbling diligence; the rapid malle- +poste thundering over the chaussee at twelve miles an hour--pass +the ground hourly and daily now: 'twas lonely and unfrequented at +the end of that seventeenth century with which our story commences. + +Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such +their outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together. The +one, seemingly the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather +in his barret-cap, and managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that +bounded and curveted gayly. A surcoat of peach-colored samite and +a purfled doublet of vair bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant +eye, his exquisitely chiselled nose, and his curling chestnut +ringlets. + +Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring- +violets; and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek--roses, alas! that +bloom and die with life's spring! Now bounding over a rock, now +playfully whisking off with his riding rod a floweret in his path, +Philibert de Coquelicot rode by his darker companion. + +His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed, +that had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine. +Thence through Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a +city and commune, holding joust and tourney in many a castle and +manor of Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain l'Auxerrois, the warrior +and his charger reached the lonely spot where now we find them. + +The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the +steed which bore him. Both were caparisoned in the fullest +trappings of feudal war. The arblast, the mangonel, the +demiculverin, and the cuissart of the period, glittered upon the +neck and chest of the war-steed; while the rider, with chamfron and +catapult, with ban and arriere-ban, morion and tumbrel, battle-axe +and rifflard, and the other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode +stately on his steel-clad charger, himself a tower of steel. This +mighty horseman was carried by his steed as lightly as the young +springald by his Andalusian hackney. + +"'Twas well done of thee, Philibert," said he of the proof-armor, +"to ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms." + +"Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!" +replied the younger Cavalier. "When I was yet a page, thou wert a +belted knight; and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard +grew." + +"I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew +the spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta," the +individual addressed as Romane replied. "Well-a-day! since thy +beard grew, boy, (and marry 'tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a +lance with Solyman at Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin +at Acre. But enough of this. Tell me of home--of our native +valley--of my hearth, and my lady-mother, and my good chaplain-- +tell me of HER, Philibert," said the knight, executing a demivolt, +in order to hide his emotion. + +Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the +question. "The castle stands on the rock," he said, "and the +swallows still build in the battlements. The good chaplain still +chants his vespers at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song. +The lady-mother still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin +linsey-woolsey. The tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as +sorely, kinsman mine," he added with an arch look. + +"But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?" Romane continued. "Since +Lammas was a twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are +unanswered. The postman hath traversed our camp every day, and +never brought me a billet. How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?" + +"She is--well," Philibert replied; "her sister Anne is the fairest +of the twain, though." + +"Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. A plague on +sister Anne! Speak of Fatima, Philibert--my blue-eyed Fatima!" + +"I say she is--well," answered his comrade gloomily. + +"Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? Nay, hath she +had the small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak; speak, boy!" cried +the knight, wrought to agony. + +"Her cheek is as red as her mother's, though the old Countess +paints hers every day. Her foot is as light as a sparrow's, and +her voice as sweet as a minstrel's dulcimer; but give me nathless +the Lady Anne," cried Philibert; "give me the peerless Lady Anne! +As soon as ever I have won spurs, I will ride all Christendom +through, and proclaim her the Queen of Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! +Lady Anne!" and so saying--but evidently wishing to disguise some +emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could ill brook to hear-- +the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward. + +But swift as was his courser's pace, that of his companion's +enormous charger was swifter. "Boy," said the elder, "thou hast +ill tidings. I know it by thy glance. Speak: shall he who hath +bearded grim Death in a thousand fields shame to face truth from a +friend? Speak, in the name of heaven and good Saint Botibol. +Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your tidings like a man!" + +"Fatima is well," answered Philibert once again; "she hath had no +measles: she lives and is still fair." + +"Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? Not false? By +Saint Botibol, say not false," groaned the elder warrior. + +"A month syne," Philibert replied, "she married the Baron de +Barbazure." + +With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the +brave knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and +fell from his charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel. + + +II. + + +Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast +and magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin. The +traveller of the present day, who wanders by the banks of the +silvery Loire, and climbs the steep on which the magnificent +edifice stood, can scarcely trace, among the shattered masses of +ivy-covered masonry which lie among the lonely crags, even the +skeleton of the proud and majestic palace stronghold of the Barons +of Barbazure. + +In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately, +and seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal +rocks on which they stood. The three mullets on a gules wavy +reversed, surmounted by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known +cognizance of the house, blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred +banners, surmounting as many towers. The long lines of +battlemented walls spread down the mountain to the Loire, and were +defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men. Four hundred +knights and six times as many archers fought round the banner of +Barbazure at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour. For his services +at Fontenoy against the English, the heroic Charles Martel +appointed the fourteenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the +kingdom of France; and for wealth, and for splendor, and for skill +and fame in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no-wise +inferior to his noble ancestors. + +That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the +shore; that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a +neighbor, or drew the fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy's +castle with the wife and children within;--these were points for +which the country knew and respected the stout Baron. When he +returned from victory, he was sure to endow the Church with a part +of his spoil, so that when he went forth to battle he was always +accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron Raoul, the pride +of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the Court, the +Church, and his neighbors. + +But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic +grief which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure. His lovely +ladies died one after the other. No sooner was he married than he +was a widower; in the course of eighteen years no less than nine +bereavements had befallen the chieftain. So true it is, that if +fortune is a parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall +of the great and wealthy as it does the humbler tenements of the +poor. + + . . . . . . + +"Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover," said the Lady +of Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, "and think how +the noble Barbazure loves thee! Of all the damsels at the ball +last night, he had eyes for thee and thy cousin only." + +"I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!" the +admirable Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. "Not that I care for my +Lord of Barbazure's looks. MY heart, dearest mother, is with him +who is far away!" + +"He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty- +three corantoes, I think, child," the mother said, eluding her +daughter's remark. + +"Twenty-five," said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to +the ground. "Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!" + +"He had not the court air," the mother suggested. + +"I don't wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure's +dancing, mamma," Fatima replied. "For a short, lusty man, 'tis +wondrous how active he is; and in dignity the King's Grace himself +could not surpass him." + +"You were the noblest couple in the room, love," the lady cried. + +"That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich +plumes, blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink +shoon, became the noble baron wondrous well," Fatima acknowledged. +"It must be confessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the +agility of youth. But alas, madam! The noble baron hath had nine +wives already." + +"And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth," the +mother replied. + +"My cousin give her eyes!" Fatima exclaimed. "It's not much, I'm +sure, for she squints abominably." And thus the ladies prattled, +as they rode home at night after the great ball at the house of the +Baron of Barbazure. + +The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand +the doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the +well-nurtured English maiden will participate in the divided +feelings which rent her bosom. 'Tis true, that on his departure +for the holy wars, Romane and Fatima were plighted to each other; +but the folly of long engagements is proverbial; and though for +many months the faithful and affectionate girl had looked in vain +for news from him, her admirable parents had long spoken with +repugnance of a match which must bring inevitable poverty to both +parties. They had suffered, 'tis true, the engagement to subside, +hostile as they ever were to it; but when on the death of the ninth +lady of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked Fatima at the funeral, +and rode home with her after the ceremony, her prudent parents saw +how much wiser, better, happier for their child it would be to have +for life a partner like the baron, than to wait the doubtful return +of the penniless wanderer to whom she was plighted. + +Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how +true to duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly +angel, a well-bred woman of genteel family! Instead of indulging +in splenetic refusals or vain regrets for her absent lover, the +exemplary Fatima at once signified to her excellent parents her +willingness to obey their orders; though she had sorrows (and she +declared them to be tremendous), the admirable being disguised them +so well, that none knew they oppressed her. She said she would try +to forget former ties, and (so strong in her mind was DUTY above +every other feeling!--so strong may it be in every British maiden!) +the lovely girl kept her promise. "My former engagements," she +said, packing up Romane's letters and presents, (which, as the good +knight was mortal poor, were in sooth of no great price)--"my +former engagements I look upon as childish follies;--my affections +are fixed where my dear parents graft them--on the noble, the +princely, the polite Barbazure. 'Tis true he is not comely in +feature, but the chaste and well-bred female knows how to despise +the fleeting charms of form. 'Tis true he is old; but can woman be +better employed than in tending her aged and sickly companion? +That he has been married is likewise certain--but ah, my mother! +who knows not that he must be a good and tender husband, who, nine +times wedded, owns that, he cannot be happy without another +partner?" + +It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed +obedience to her parents' will, and consented to receive the +magnificent marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant +bridegroom. + + +III. + + +The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts +to see her hapless daughter. Ever, when she came, the porters +grinned at her savagely through the grating of the portcullis of +the vast embattled gate of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade +her begone. "The Lady of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, +and keeps her chamber," was the invariable reply of the dogged +functionaries to the entreaties of the agonized mother. And at +length, so furious was he at her perpetual calls at his gate, that +the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced to be at the +postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the crupper +of the lady's palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and in +terror. "I will aim at the rider next time!" howled the ferocious +baron, "and not at the horse!" And those who knew his savage +nature and his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would +neither break his knightly promise nor miss his aim. + +Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous +passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were +present at the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure's +heart was changed towards his gentle and virtuous lady. + +For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted +Baron of Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who +entered. His lance bore everything down before it. The most +famous champions of Europe, assembled at these joustings, had +dropped, one by one, before this tremendous warrior. The prize of +the tourney was destined to be his, and he was to be proclaimed +bravest of the brave, as his lady was the fairest of the fair. + +On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the +Vosges, and the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the +warrior had obtained such triumphs;--after having overcome two +hundred and thirteen knights of different nations, including the +fiery Dunois, the intrepid Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and +the undaunted Dugueselin, as the conqueror sat still erect on his +charger, and the multitudes doubted whether ever another champion +could be found to face him, three blasts of a trumpet were heard, +faint at first, but at every moment ringing more clearly, until a +knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his visor down, and +riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the admiration +of all present. + +The heralds asked him his name and quality. + +"Call me," said he, in a hollow voice, "the Jilted Knight." What +was it made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents. + +The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the +companion who rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de +Coquelicot, who was known and respected universally through the +neighborhood, gave a warranty for the birth and noble degree of the +Jilted Knight--and Raoul de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two- +hundred-and-fourteenth lance, shook the huge weapon in the air as +though it were a reed, and prepared to encounter the intruder. + +According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the +spear from harm, the top of the unknown knight's lance was shielded +with a bung, which the warrior removed; and galloping up to +Barbazure's pavilion, over which his shield hung, touched that +noble cognizance with the sharpened steel. A thrill of excitement +ran through the assembly at this daring challenge to a combat a +l'outrance. "Hast thou confessed, Sir Knight?" roared the +Barbazure; "take thy ground, and look to thyself; for by heaven +thy last hour is come!" "Poor youth, poor youth!" sighed the +spectators; "he has called down his own fate." The next minute the +signal was given, and as the simoom across the desert, the cataract +down the rock, the shell from the howitzer, each warrior rushed +from his goal. + + . . . . . . + +"Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?" said the Grand Duke, as at +the end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over +his prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at +length unhorsed, and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate +and ferocity on his conqueror. + +"Take thy life," said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight; +"thou hast taken all that was dear to me." And the sun setting, +and no other warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was +proclaimed the conqueror, and rode up to the duchess's balcony to +receive the gold chain which was the reward of the victor. He +raised his visor as the smiling princess guerdoned him--raised it, +and gave ONE sad look towards the Lady Fatima at her side! + +"Romane de Clos-Vougeot!" shrieked she, and fainted. The Baron of +Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his +wound, and by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused +fury, he swore revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the +tourney as a queen, returned to her castle as a prisoner. + +(As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel, +let it suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a +half, in which the descriptions of scenery, the account of the +agonies of the baroness, kept on bread and water in her dungeon, +and the general tone of morality, are all excellently worked out, +the Baron de Barbazure resolves upon putting his wife to death by +the hands of the public executioner.) + + . . . . . . + +Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on +the platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony +of mid-day. + +The block was laid forth--the hideous minister of vengeance, masked +and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready. The +baron tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the +dreadful swordsman if his hand was sure? A nod was the reply of +the man of blood. The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and +shrank from him. There was not one there but loved and pitied the +gentle lady. + +Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. To all +her lord's savage interrogatories, her reply had been, "I am +innocent." To his threats of death, her answer was, "You are my +lord; my life is in your hands, to take or to give." How few are +the wives, in our day, who show such angelic meekness! It touched +all hearts around her, save that of the implacable Barbazure! Even +the Lady Blanche, (Fatima's cousin), whom he had promised to marry +upon his faithless wife's demise, besought for her kinswoman's +life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her death. + +"Is there no pity, sir?" asked the chaplain who had attended her. + +"No pity?" echoed the weeping serving-maid. + +"Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?" said the gentle lady, +and placed herself at the block. + +Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven +hair. "Now!" shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his +foot--"Now strike!" + +The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself +to deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air, +with one irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head +of the furious, the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure! + +Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the +Lady Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his +mask, knelt gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well- +known features of Romane de Clos-Vougeot. + + + +LORDS AND LIVERIES. + +BY THE AUTHORESS OF "DUKES AND DEJEUNERS," "HEARTS AND DIAMONDS," +"MARCHIONESSES AND MILLINERS," ETC. ETC. + + +I. + + +"CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box +to-night," said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning +over the velvet-cushioned balconies of the "Coventry Club," smoking +their full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson's) after the opera. + +Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips +of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire +anything except a coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a +supreme de cochon en torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion, +the chef of the "Traveller's," only knows how to dress; or the +bouquet of a flask of Medoc, of Carbonell's best quality; or a +goutte of Marasquin, from the cellars of Briggs and Hobson. + +Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon +of Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like +too many of our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in +his twenty-fourth year. Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent +principles (who had imbued his young mind with that Morality which +is so superior to all the vain pomps of the world!) it had not been +always the young earl's lot to wear the coronet for which he now in +sooth cared so little. His father, a captain of Britain's navy, +struck down by the side of the gallant Collingwood in the Bay of +Fundy, left little but his sword and spotless name to his young, +lovely, and inconsolable widow, who passed the first years of her +mourning in educating her child in an elegant though small cottage +in one of the romantic marine villages of beautiful Devonshire. +Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the widow's heart as +she pressed him to it! How faithfully did she instil into his +young bosom those principles which had been the pole-star of the +existence of his gallant father! + +In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found +the widow and her boy. The seventeenth Earl--gallant and ardent, +and in the prime of youth--went forth one day from the Eternal City +to a steeple-chase in the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought +back to his hotel in the Piazza di Spagna. Death, alas! is no +respecter of the Nobility. That shattered form was all that +remained of the fiery, the haughty, the wild, but the generous +Altamont de Pentonville! Such, such is fate! + +The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother's +solicitude at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly +descended on her boy. She engaged an excellent clergyman of the +Church of England to superintend his studies; to accompany him on +foreign travel when the proper season arrived; to ward from him +those dangers which dissipation always throws in the way of the +noble, the idle, and the wealthy. But the Reverend Cyril Delaval +died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth the young Earl of +Bagnigge was without a guardian. + +What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty, he was a +cynic and an epicure. He had drained the cup of pleasure till it +had palled in his unnerved hand. He had looked at the Pyramids +without awe, at the Alps without reverence. He was unmoved by the +sandy solitudes of the Desert as by the placid depths of +Mediterranean's sea of blue. Bitter, bitter tears did Emily de +Pentonville weep, when, on Alured's return from the Continent, she +beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in her +beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy! + +"Corpo di Bacco," he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the +red nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore's coachman--who, having +deposited her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the +carriage to the stables, before commencing his evening at the +"Fortune of War" public-house--"what a lovely creature that was! +What eyes! what hair! Who knows her? Do you, mon cher prince?" + +"E bellissima, certamente," said the Duca de Montepulciano, and +stroked down his jetty moustache. + +"Ein gar schones Madchen," said the Hereditary Grand Duke of +Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one. + +"Elle n'est pas mal, ma foi!" said the Prince de Borodino, with a +scowl on his darkling brows. "Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont +mauvais!" he added as he too cast away his Cuba. + +"Try one of my Pickwicks," said Franklin Fox, with a sneer, +offering his gold etui to the young Frenchman; "they are some of +Pontet's best, Prince. What, do you bear malice? Come, let us be +friends," said the gay and careless young patrician; but a scowl on +the part of the Frenchman was the only reply. + +"Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge," +the wag went on. + +Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized. +The Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom +Protocol of the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh, +Poldoody, and the rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager +than any one present. + +"No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don't you see he has gone +off in a fury!" Franklin Fox continued. "He has his reasons, ce +cher prince: he will tell you nothing; but I will. You know that I +am au mieux with the dear old duchess." + +"They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke's death," cried +Poldoody. + +"I always thought Fwank was the duke's illicit gweatgwandson," +drawled out De Boots. + +"I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs +from Paris," cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are +known in every diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo. + +"Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!" said Bagnigge. "Tell me about +this girl, Franklin Fox." + +"In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring +fence in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa +at Richmond, a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand +a year in the three-per-cents." + +"Apres?" said Bagnigge, still yawning. + +"Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour. They are cousins, her mother +was an Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father, +married another sister. I believe he was footman in the family, +before Napoleon princified him." + +"No, no, he was second coachman," Tom Protocol good-naturedly +interposed--"a cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man." + +"'Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one's, I mean) +when he found me in the duchess's room this evening, tete-a-tete +with the heiress, who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand." + +"It cost me three guineas," poor Frank said, with a shrug and a +sigh, "and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she +took the flowers;--eh, Bagnigge?" + +"And flung them to Alboni," the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer. +And poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had. + +The maitre d'hotel here announced that supper was served. It was +remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on +Bagnigge that night. + + +II. + + +The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the +court of the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was +such as has seldom been created by the appearance of any other +beauty. The men were raving with love, and the women with +jealousy. Her eyes, her beauty, her wit, her grace, her ton, +caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy. + +Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace's +daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the +heiress's regal beauty quite flung her cousins' simple charms into +the shade, and blazed with a splendor which caused all "minor +lights" to twinkle faintly. Before a day the beau-monde, before a +week even the vulgarians of the rest of the town, rang with the +fame of her charms; and while the dandies and the beauties were +raving about her, or tearing her to pieces in May Fair, even Mrs. +Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the "Hoperer" in a green turban +and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great HAIRESS to her +D. in Bloomsbury Square. + +Crowds went to Squab and Lynch's, in Long Acre, to examine the +carriages building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so +odiously unostentatious and provokingly simple! Besides the +ancestral services of argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in +a hundred and seventy-six plate-chests at Messrs. Childs', Rumble +and Briggs prepared a gold service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket, +a service of the Benvenuto Cellini pattern, which were the +admiration of all London. Before a month it is a fact that the +wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the blue stocks, called +"Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:" long before that, the +monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline's, or sent couriers to Madame +Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of her dresses; but, as the +Mantuan bard observes, "Non cuivis contigit,"--every foot cannot +accommodate itself to the chaussure of Cinderella. + +With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these +cheers following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst +happy? Ah, no! It is not under the necklace the most brilliant +that Briggs and Rumble can supply, it is not in Lynch's best +cushioned chariot that the heart is most at ease. "Que je me +ruinerai," says Fronsac in a letter to Bossuet, "si je savais ou +acheter le bonheur!" + +With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was wretched-- +wretched, because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart had +nothing to cling to. Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male +person even entered it, except Franklin Fox, (who counted for +nothing,) and the duchess's family, her kinsman old Lord +Humpington, his friend old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the +odious, odious Borodino. + +The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to +him. Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such +an opportunity to refaire sa fortune. He gave out that he would +kill any man who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster +kept his word. Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen +by his hand at Ostend. The O'Toole, who had met her on the Rhine, +had received a ball in his shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care +to resume so dangerous a courtship. Borodino could snuff a bougie +at a hundred and fifty yards. He could beat Bertrand or Alexander +Dumas himself with the small-sword: he was the dragon that watched +this pomme d'or, and very few persons were now inclined to face a +champion si redoutable. + +Over a salmi d'escargot at the "Coventry," the dandies whom we +introduced in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the +heiress; and her story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, +who, for a wonder, was interested in the tale. Borodino's +pretensions were discussed, and the way in which the fair Amethyst +was confined. Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave Square, is--as +everybody knows--the next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst. A +communication was made between the two houses. She never went out +except accompanied by the duchess's guard, which it was impossible +to overcome. + +"Impossible! Nothing's impossible," said Lord Bagnigge. + +"I bet you what you like you don't get in," said the young Marquis +of Martingale. + +"I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress's house +before the season's over," Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and +the bet was registered with shouts of applause. + +But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge, +for the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him; +he was carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a +dislocated shoulder; and the doctor's bulletins pronounced him to +be in the most dangerous state. + + +Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding +by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight after the above events, +his lordship was prancing by her Grace's great family coach, and +chattering with Lady Gwinever about the strange wager. + +"Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?" he asked. Her +ladyship said yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican; +and stared when Lord Martingale announced that he should soon have +a thousand ponies, worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were +all now kept at Coutts's. Then he explained the circumstances of +the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament was to adjourn in ten days; the +season would be over! Bagnigge was lying ill chez lui; and the +five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his. And he vowed he +would buy Lord Binnacle's yacht--crew, captain, guns and all. + +On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore's, Martingale +found among the many billets upon the gold plateau in his +antichambre, the following brief one, which made him start-- + + +"DEAR MARTINGALE.--Don't be too sure of Binnacle's yacht. There +are still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie +at Coutts's for some time to come. + +"Yours, + +"BAGNIGGE. + +"P. S.--I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered +up from that confounded fall." + + +III. + + +The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John, +cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did +not take powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under- +butler, who reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned +his name with praise to the house-steward. He was so good-looking +and well-spoken a young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper's +room deigned to notice him more than once; nor was his popularity +diminished on account of a quarrel in which he engaged with +Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon chasseur, who was one day +found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited on Amethyst's own maid. +The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames entering the Servants' +Hall, where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in "aggravating" her, Miss +Flouncy screamed: at the next moment the Belgian giant lay +sprawling upon the carpet; and Jeames, standing over him, assumed +so terrible a look, that the chasseur declined any further combat. +The victory was made known to the house-steward himself, who, being +a little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames on +his valor, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own room. + +Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people. +He had lived, he said, in that family two years. "But where there +was no ladies," he said, "a gentleman's hand was spiled for +service;" and Jeames's was a very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy +admired it very much, and of course he did not defile it by menial +service: he had in a young man who called him sir, and did all the +coarse work; and Jeames read the morning paper to the ladies; not +spellingly and with hesitation, as many gentlemen do, but easily +and elegantly, speaking off the longest words without a moment's +difficulty. He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy found, who +was studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de +confiance; for when she said to him, "Polly voo Fransy, Munseer +Jeames?" he replied readily, "We, Mademaselle, j'ay passay boco de +tong a Parry. Commong voo potty voo?" How Miss Flouncy admired +him as he stood before her, the day after he had saved Miss +Amethyst when the horses had run away with her in the Park! + +Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a week in +Amethyst's service, and already the gentle heart of the washing- +girl was irrecoverably gone! Poor Flouncy! Poor Flouncy! he +thought not of thee. + +It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her +cousin the prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into +the Park simply with her companion, who had charge of her little +Fido, the dearest little spaniel in the world. Jeames and +Frederick were behind the carriage with their long sticks and neat +dark liveries; the horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the +coachman a late lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole ring could +not boast a more elegant turn-out. + +The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine. +It may have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish +ambassador which frightened the prince's grays, or Mrs. Champignon's +new yellow liveries, which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous +Lady Gorgon's preternatural ugliness, who passed in a low +pony-carriage at the time, or the prince's own want of skill, +finally; but certain it is that the horses took fright, dashed +wildly along the mile, scattered equipages, pietons, dandies' cabs, +and snobs' pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming; and the prince, +deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind, as the curricle came +rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst's carriage stood. + +"I'm blest," Frederick exclaimed to his companion, "if it ain't the +prince a-drivin our missis! They'll be in the Serpingtine, or +dashed to pieces, if they don't mind." And the runaway steeds at +this instant came upon them as a whirlwind. + +But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter. +To jump from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle, +to jump into it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used +as a leaping-pole, and to seize the reins out of the hands of the +miserable Borodino, who shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet +leapt on his toes and into his seat, was the work of an instant. +In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush of the horses was reduced to +a swift but steady gallop; presently into a canter, then a trot; +until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling, but quite +quiet, by the side of Amethyst's carriage, which came up at a rapid +pace. + +"Give me the reins, malappris! tu m'ecrases le corps, manant!" +yelled the frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid +charioteer. + +"Tant pis pour toi, nigaud," was the reply. The lovely Amethyst of +course had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her +carriage, and rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile. + +The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the +latter--a liveried menial--stoop gracefully forward and kiss +Amethyst's hand, may be imagined rather than described. But Jeames +heeded not his curses. Having placed his adored mistress in the +carriage, he calmly resumed his station behind. Passion or danger +seemed to have no impression upon that pale marble face. + +Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on +coming to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the +Frangipane best style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la +bisque aux ecrevisses, the clumsy attendant who served him let fall +the assiette of vermeille cisele, with its scalding contents, over +the prince's chin, his Mechlin jabot, and the grand cordon of the +Legion of honor which he wore. + +"Infame," howled Borodino, "tu l'as fait expres!" + +"Oui, je l'ai fait expres," said the man, with the most perfect +Parisian accent. It was Jeames. + +Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after +the morning's service, and he was chassed on the spot. He had been +but a week in the house. + +The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may +possibly elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:-- + +"Singular Wager.--One night, at the end of last season, the young +and eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand +pounds with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of +M-rt-ng-le, that he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated +and lovely young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from +B-lgr-ve Squ-re. The bet having been made, the earl pretended an +illness, and having taken lessons from one of his lordship's own +footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose name he also borrowed) in 'the +MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,' actually succeeded in making an entry +into Miss P-ml-co's mansion, where he stopped one week exactly; +having time to win his bet, and to save the life of the lady, whom +we hear he is about to lead to the altar. He disarmed the Prince +of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands--and, it is said, +appeared at the C---- club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a cloak, +and displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager." + +Such, indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple have not +more than nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully, +and manage to do good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her +daughter-in-law and her little grandchildren, is blest in seeing +her darling son enfin un homme range. + + + +CRINOLINE. + +BY JE-MES PL-SH, ESQ. + + +I. + + +I'm not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the +igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd +paytrons of letarature and true connyshures of merrit--the great +Brittish public--But I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of +rewmantic love, absobbing pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is, +in the main fax, TREW. The suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the +rain of our presnt Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil +Concert Prince Halbert. + +Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18-- (mor I dar not rewheel) +there arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and +Dover Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall +danomminate Munseer Jools De Chacabac. + +Having read through "The Vicker of Wackfield" in the same oridganal +English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and +halways been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for +his aytred and orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was +considered by the prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, +at Parris, the very man to come to this country, igsamin its +manners and customs, cast an i upon the politticle and finalshle +stat of the Hempire, and igspose the mackynations of the infyamous +Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir Pill--both enemies of France; +as is every other Britten of that great, gloarus, libberal, and +peasable country. In one word, Jools de Chacabac was a penny-a- +liner. + +"I will go see with my own I's," he said, "that infimus hiland of +which the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and +treason. I will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the +pisoners of the Chynese, the villians who put the Hemperor to death +in Saintyleany, the artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with +their cotton, and can't sleep or rest heasy for henvy and hatred of +the great inwinsable French nation. I will igsammin, face to face, +these hotty insularies; I will pennytrate into the secrets of their +Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard Palmerston in his denn." When +he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having been tremenguously sick +in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, "Enfin je te tiens, Ile maudite! +je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre! Je te foule a mes +pieds an nom du monde outrage," and so proseaded to inwade the +metropulus. + +As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the +best of infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went +and lodgd in Lester Square--Lester Squarr, as he calls it--which, +as he was infommed in the printed suckular presented to him by a +very greasy but polite comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the +scenter of the town, contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the +prinsple theayters, the parx, St. Jams Pallice, and the Corts of +Lor. "I can surwhey them all at one cut of the eye," Jools +thought; "the Sovring, the infamus Ministers plotting the +destruction of my immortial country; the business and pleasure of +these pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and see +all." So he took a three-pair back in a French hotel, the "Hotel +de l'Ail," kep by Monsieur Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester +Squarr, London. + +In this otell there's a billiard-room on the first floor, and a +tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o'clock; and the landlord, +who kem into Jools's room smoaking a segar, told the young gent +that the house was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who +reglar took their dinners there. "They can't ebide their own +quiseen," he said. "You'll see what a dinner we'll serve you to- +day." Jools wrote off to his paper-- + +"The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like +all the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the +indulgence of their luxuries. The nobles of England, quitting +their homes, their wives, miladies and mistriss, so fair but so +cold, dine universally at the tavern. That from which I write is +frequented by Peel and Palmerston. I fremis to think that I may +meet them at the board to-day." + +Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn't dine at the "Hotel de +l'Ail" on that evening. "It's quite igstronnary they don't come," +said Munseer de l'Ail. + +"Peraps they're ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de +cock," Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was +very likely. + +Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of +every nation under the sun. Most of the noblemen were great +hamatures of hale and porter. The tablecloth was marked over with +brown suckles, made by the pewter-pots on that and the previous +days. + +"It is the usage here," wrote Jools to his newspaper, "among the +Anglais of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and +porter during their meals. These stupefying, but cheap, and not +unpalatable liquors are served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of +foaming hafanaf (so a certain sort of beer is called) was placed by +the side of most of the convives. I was disappointed of seeing Sir +Peel: he was engaged to a combat of cocks which occurs at Windsor." + +Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when +the gentlemen said "Garsong de l'afanaf," but Jool was very much +pleased to meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their +opinion about the reel state of thinx. Was it likely that the +bishops were to be turned out of the Chambre des Communes? Was it +true that Lor Palmerston had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the House +of Lords, until they were sepparayted by the Lor Maire? Who was +the Lor Maire? Wasn't he Premier Minister? and wasn't the +Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker? He got answers to these +questions from the various gents round about during the dinner-- +which, he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only +dirtier. And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his +newspaper. + +"The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre. His Grace +has his dwelling in the City. The Archbishop of Cantabery is not +turned Quaker, as some people stated. Quakers may not marry, nor +sit in the Chamber of Peers. The minor bishops have seats in +the House of Commons, where they are attacked by the bitter +pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is in the house; he taught +Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who conferred upon him the +seat," &c. &c. + +His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two +Poles, a Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen. This being done +amidst more hafanaf, without which nothink is done in England, and +as there was no French play that night, he & the two French gents +walked round and round Lester Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of +other French gents who were smoaking 2. And they talked about the +granjer of France and the perfidgusness of England, and looked at +the aluminated pictur of Madame Wharton as Haryadney till bedtime. +But befor he slep, he finished his letter you may be sure, and +called it his "Fust Imprestiuns of Anglyterre." + +"Mind and wake me early," he said to Boots, the ony Brittish +subject in the "Hotel de l'Ail," and who therefore didn't +understand him. "I wish to be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE +MEN SELL THEIR WIVES." And the young roag fell asleep, thinking +what sort of a one he'd buy. + +This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about +Hengland and the Henglish--walking round and round Lester Squarr +all day, and every day with the same company, occasionally +dewussified by an Oprer Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every +afternoon in the Quadrant admiring the genteal sosiaty there. +Munseer Jools was not over well funnisht with pocket-money, and so +his pleasure was of the gratis sort cheafly. + +Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the +aristoxy under the Quadrant--they were struck all of a heap by +seeing-- But, stop! who WAS Jools's friend? Here you have +pictures of both--but the Istory of Jools's friend must be kep for +another innings. + + +II. + + +Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools +de Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London--not fur, I say, +from Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping's +Buildings, leading to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin's +Lane. You know Pipping's Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am +and beefouce (where Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty +of the carver a-cuttin the varous jints), and by the little +fishmungur's, where you remark the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown +picklesammon, the playbills, and the gingybear bottles in the +window--above all, by the "Constantinople" Divan, kep by the Misses +Mordeky, and well known to every lover of "a prime sigaw and an +exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d." + +The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of +Lester Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping's +Buildings without seeing a haf a duzen of 'em on the threshole of +the extablishment, giving the street an oppertunity of testing the +odar of the Misses Mordeky's prime Avannas. Two or three mor may +be visable inside, settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging +in their fav'rit whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe +Manilly, or the flagrant and arheumatic Qby. + +"These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of +the young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young Pier, after an +arjus day at the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of +gin-and-water (the national beveridge), with cheerful conversation +on the ewents of the day, or with an armless gaym of baggytell in +the back-parlor." + +So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam; +and of this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of +this "Constantinople" Divan, he became almost as reglar a +frequenter as the plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey +between the two blue coffee-cups in the winder. + +I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the +Diwann, listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland, +and boastin of their own immortial country. How they did go on +about Wellintun, and what an arty contamp they ad for him!--how +they used to prove that France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the +Igsample and hadmiration of the whole world! And though I scarcely +take a French paper now-a-days (I lived in early days as groom in a +French famly three years, and therefore knows the languidg), +though, I say, you can't take up Jools's paper, the Orriflam, +without readin that a minister has committed bribery and perjury, +or that a littery man has committed perjury and murder, or that a +Duke has stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some story equally +horrible; yet for all that it's admiral to see how the French gents +will swagger--how they will be the scenters of civilization--how +they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and nothink shall prevent 'em-- +knowing they will have it, I say I listen, smokin my pip in +silence. But to our tail. + +Reglar every evening there came to the "Constantanople" a young +gent etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the +cleanlyness of his appearants and linning (which was generally a +pink or blew shurt, with a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a +contrast to the dinjy and whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann. As for +wiskars, this young mann had none beyond a little yallow tought to +his chin, which you woodn notas, only he was always pulling at it. +His statue was diminnative, but his coschume supubb, for he had the +tippiest Jane boots, the ivoryheadest canes, the most gawjus +scarlick Jonville ties, and the most Scotch-plaidest trowseys, of +any customer of that establishment. He was univusaly called +Milord. + +"Que est ce jeune seigneur? Who is this young hurl who comes +knightly to the 'Constantanople,' who is so proddigl of his gold +(for indeed the young gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to +the company), and who drinks so much gin?" asked Munseer Chacabac +of a friend from the "Hotel de l'Ail." + +"His name is Lord Yardham," answered that friend. "He never comes +here but at night--and why?" + +"Y?" igsclaimed Jools, istonisht. + +"Why? because he is engaygd all day--and do you know where he is +engaygd all day?" + +"Where?" asked Jools. + +"At the Foring Office--NOW do you begin to understand?"--Jools +trembled. + +He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.--"Who IS the head +of that offis?--Palmerston." + +"The nephew of Palmerston!" said Jools, almost in a fit. + +"Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French," the other went on. "He +pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo. Shallow +humbug!--I have marked him during our conversations.--When we have +spoken of the glory of France among the nations, I have seen his +eye kindle, and his perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have +discussed before him, the Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and +Raggybritchovich has shown us the next Circassian Campaign, or +Sapousne has laid hare the plan of the Calabrian patriots for the +next insurrection, I have marked this stranger--this Lor Yardham. +He smokes, 'tis to conceal his countenance; he drinks gin, 'tis to +hide his face in the goblet. And be sure, he carries every word of +our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his uncle." + +"I will beard him in his den," thought Jools. "I will meet him +corps-a-corps--the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his +nephew, and I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier." + +When Lor Yardham came to the "Constantanople" that night, Jools i'd +him savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the +same. It wasn't much for either to do--neyther being more than 4 +foot ten hi--Jools was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal +Gard, and was as brayv as a lion. + +"Ah, l'Angleterre, l'Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche," said +Jools, crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham. + +"Wee," said Lord Yardham; "wee." + +"Delenda est Carthago!" howled out Jools. + +"Oh, wee," said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas +of ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, "A voternsanty, +Munseer:" and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools. + +A light broak on Jools's mind as he igsepted the refreshmint. +"Sapoase," he said, "instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the +infamous Palmerston, I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump +him--suppose I unveil his schemes and send them to my paper? La +France may hear the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of +honor may glitter on my bosom." + +So axepting Lord Yardham's cortasy, he returned it by ordering +another glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on +the counter, where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night. +To everything he said, the Earl of Yardham answered, "Wee, wee;" +except at the end of the evening, when he squeeged his & and said, +"Bong swore." + +"There's nothing like goin amongst 'em to equire the reel +pronounciation," his lordship said, as he let himself into his +lodgings with his latch-key. "That was a very eloquent young gent +at the 'Constantinople,' and I'll patronize him." + +"Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!" Jools remarked to himself as he +went to bed in his "Hotel de l'Ail." And they met the next night, +and from that heavning the young men were continyually together. + +Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking, +and Lord Yardham saying, "Wee, wee," they were struck all of a heap +by seeing-- + +But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the +nex number. + + +III. + +THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO. + + +The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum +of Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind +would say) never chaumed his i's within a site more lovely, or vu'd +a pallis more magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the +Eroing of this Trew Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant +planes the selvery Garonne wines, like--like a benevvolent sarpent. +In its plasid busum antient cassles, picturask willidges, and +waving woods are reflected. Purple hills, crownd with inteak +ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle greenwoods; wight farm +ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from which the appy and +peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden waving cornfealds, +and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are graysinn; while +the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the leisure +mominx on his loot--these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the rurial +felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de Viddlers +were bawn. + +Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor +and of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the +Eflant and Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand +Chamberleng of the Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c. +&c. &c.--is the twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the +Tittle; is disended lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as +antient a paddygree as any which the Ollywell Street frends of the +Member of Buckinumsheer can supply. + +His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon, +quitted this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her +lord with the two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in +whomb, after the loss of that angle his wife, the disconslit +widderer found his only jy on huth. In all his emusemints they +ecumpanied him; their edjacation was his sole bisniss; he atcheaved +it with the assistnce of the ugliest and most lernid masters, and +the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which money could +procure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these Budds, +which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming +flagrance round his pirentle Busm! + +The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and +his lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their naybrood but was +edawned by their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern't +rendered appy. It was a pattern pheasantry. All the old men in +the districk were wertuous & tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled +drab shoes, and beautiful snowy air. All the old women had peaked +ats, and crooked cains, and chince gowns tucked into the pockits of +their quiltid petticoats; they sat in pictarask porches, pretendin +to spinn, while the lads and lassis of the villidges danst under +the hellums. O, tis a noble sight to whitniss that of an appy +pheasantry! Not one of those rustic wassals of the Ouse of +Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his shirt-sheaves tied up with +pink ribbing as he led to the macy dance some appy country gal, +with a black velvit boddice and a redd or yaller petticoat, a +hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her air! + +When the Marcus & ther young ladies came to the villidge it would +have done the i's of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved +'em! The little children scattered calico flowers on their path, +the snowy-aired old men with red faces and rinkles took off their +brown paper ats to slewt the noble Marcus. Young and old led them +to a woodn bank painted to look like a bower of roses, and when +they were sett down danst ballys before them. O 'twas a noble site +to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint with fethers in his edd and +all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses with their ploomes, +and trains, and little coronicks! + +They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls, +and had no end of pallises, willers, and town and country +resadences; but their fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of +the Island of Fogo. + +Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt +dixcribe the gawjusness of their aboad. They add twenty-four +footmen in livery, besides a boy in codroys for the knives & shoes. +They had nine meels aday--Shampayne and pineapples were served to +each of the young ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, +Sherry-cobblers, lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to +ring the bell and call for what they chose. They had two new +dresses every day--one to ride out in the open carriage, and +another to appear in the gardens of the Castle of the Island of +Fogo, which were illuminated every night like Voxhall. The young +noblemen of France were there ready to dance with them, and festif +suppers concludid the jawyus night. + +Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon +this happy fammaly. Etached to his Princes and abommanating the +ojus Lewyphlip, the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the +helder branch of the Borebones--and what was the consquince?--One +night a fleat presented itself round the Castle of the Island of +Fogo--and skewering only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus +and the two young ladies in disgyise, fled from that island of +bliss. And whither fled they?--To England!--England the ome of the +brave, the refuge of the world, where the pore slave never setts +his foot but he is free! + +Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by +the Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their +page from Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper +of srimps for the umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and +his equaintnce, Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired. + +But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble +Marcus?--That is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam. + + + +THE STARS AND STRIPES. + +THE AUTHOR OR "THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS," "PILOT," ETC + + +I. + + +The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the +fairest, not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal +arm; while the children of France were indulging in their infantile +hilarity in the alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from +which Niblo's garden has been copied in our own Empire city of New +York), and playing at leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of +Provence; gaudy courtiers, emlazoned with orders, glittered in the +groves, and murmured frivolous talk in the ears of high-bred beauty. + +"Marie, my beloved," said the ruler of France, taking out his +watch, "'tis time that the Minister of America should be here." + +"Your Majesty should know the time," replied Marie Antoinette, +archly, and in an Austrian accent; "is not my Royal Louis the first +watchmaker in his empire?" + +The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with +courtly grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment. +"My Lord Bishop of Autun," said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand +Perigord, who followed the royal pair, in his quality of arch- +chamberlain of the empire, "I pray you look through the gardens, +and tell his Excellency Doctor Franklin that the King waits." The +Bishop ran off, with more than youthful agility, to seek the United +States' Minister. "These Republicans," he added, confidentially, +and with something of a supercilious look, "are but rude courtiers, +methinks." + +"Nay," interposed the lovely Antoinette, "rude courtiers, Sire, +they may be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished +gentlemen. I have seen no grandee of Versailles that has the noble +bearing of this American envoy and his suite. They have the +refinement of the Old World, with all the simple elegance of the +New. Though they have perfect dignity of manner, they have an +engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled by the best of +the proud English nobles with whom they wage war. I am told they +speak their very language with a grace which the haughty Islanders +who oppress them never attained. They are independent, yet never +insolent; elegant, yet always respectful; and brave, but not in the +least boastful." + +"What! savages and all, Marie?" exclaimed Louis, laughing, and +chucking the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin. "But +here comes Doctor Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him." +In fact, as the monarch spoke, the Minister of the United States +made his appearance, followed by a gigantic warrior in the garb of +his native woods. + +Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even +then in dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in +valor, in honesty, in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor +nodded to the Queen of France, but kept his hat on as he faced the +French monarch, and did not cease whittling the cane he carried in +his hand. + +"I was waiting for you, sir," the King said, peevishly, in spite of +the alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm. + +"The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of +your Majesty's wishes," replied Dr. Franklin. "When I was a poor +printer's boy and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than +poor Ben Franklin; but all other things must yield to the service +of the United States of North America. I have done. What would +you, Sire?" and the intrepid republican eyed the monarch with a +serene and easy dignity, which made the descendant of St. Louis +feel ill at ease. + +"I wished to--to say farewell to Tatua before his departure," said +Louis XVI., looking rather awkward. "Approach, Tatua." And the +gigantic Indian strode up, and stood undaunted before the first +magistrate of the French nation: again the feeble monarch quailed +before the terrible simplicity of the glance of the denizen of the +primaeval forests. + +The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his +war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock's feather, which had +been given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of +Lamballe. His nose, from which hung the ornament from which his +ferocious tribe took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a +circle of green and orange was drawn round each eye, while +serpentine stripes of black, white, and vermilion alternately were +smeared on his forehead, and descended over his cheek-bones to his +chin. His manly chest was similarly tattooed and painted, and +round his brawny neck and arms hung innumerable bracelets and +necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only from each skull) from +the jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible tomahawk at his +girdle. His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped on his +arm and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with +tufts of hair--the black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet +of beauty, the red lock from the forehead of the Scottish or the +Northern soldier, the snowy tress of extreme old age, the flaxen +down of infancy--all were there, dreadful reminiscences of the +chief's triumphs in war. The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle, +and faced the King. + +"And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in '57?" said +Louis, eying the warrior and his weapon. "'Tis a clumsy lock, and +methinks I could mend it," he added mentally. + +"The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth," Tatua said. +"Tatua was a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm." + +"And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!" said the King. + +"The English are braves, though their faces are white," replied the +Indian. "Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other +wolves caused the foxes to go to earth." A smile played round Dr. +Franklin's lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever. + +"I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere +than at Quebec," the King said, appealing to the American Envoy: +"at Bunker's Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island? Now that +Lafayette and my brave Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency +need have no fear but that the war will finish quickly--yes, yes, +it will finish quickly. They will teach you discipline, and the +way to conquer." + +"King Louis of France," said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over +his head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, "we have learned that from +the British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I'd have +your Majesty to know that in the art of whipping the world we have +no need of any French lessons. If your reglars jine General +Washington, 'tis to larn from HIM how Britishers are licked; for +I'm blest if YU know the way yet." + +Tatua said, "Ugh," and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine, +which made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely +Antoinette flashed fire, but it played round the head of the +dauntless American Envoy harmless as the lightning which he knew +how to conjure away. + +The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order +of the Bath. "Your Excellency wears no honor," the monarch said; +"but Tatua, who is not a subject, only an ally, of the United +States, may. Noble Tatua, I appoint you Knight Companion of my +noble Order of the Bath. Wear this cross upon your breast in +memory of Louis of France;" and the King held out the decoration to +the Chief. + +Up to that moment the Chief's countenance had been impassible. No +look either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim +and war-painted visage. But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua's face +assumed a glance of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took +the bauble. + +"I will give it to one of my squaws," he said. "The papooses in my +lodge will play with it. Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink +fire-water;" and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad +back without ceremony upon the monarch and his train, and +disappeared down one of the walks of the garden. Franklin found +him when his own interview with the French Chief Magistrate was +over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief was, by the crack +of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his quiet way. He had +shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade. + +Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the "Repudiator," +was sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian +might be seen standing on the binnacle in conversation with +Commodore Bowie, the commander of the noble ship. It was Tatua, +the Chief of the Nose-rings. + + +II. + + +Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went +to the Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French +pale-faces. Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety +and the crowd of cities; the stout mariner's home was in the +puttock-shrouds of the old "Repudiator." The stern and simple +trapper loved the sound of the waters better than the jargon of the +French of the old country. "I can follow the talk of a Pawnee," he +said, "or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids me to speak, by a +Sioux's council-fire and I can patter Canadian French with the +hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or Thichimuchimachy; +but from the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour on her head, +and war-paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty Pumpo." + +"Amen and amen!" said Tom Coxswain. "There was a woman in our aft- +scuppers when I went a-whalin in the little 'Grampus'--and Lord +love you, Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as +ever dowsed a tarpauling--there was a woman on board the 'Grampus,' +who before we'd struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, +set the whole crew in a mutiny. I mind me of her now, Natty,--her +eye was sich a piercer that you could see to steer by it in a +Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out like the 'Grampus's' jibboom, +and her woice, Lord love you, her woice sings in my ears even now:-- +it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the Mate, who was hanged in +Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in Baffin's Bay;--it set +me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each other's old +timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that ever +shipped a hawser. It cost me three years' pay as I'd stowed away +for the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only +bad luck to me, she went and married a little tailor out of +Nantucket; and I've hated women and tailors ever since!" As he +spoke, the hardy tar dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek, +and once more betook himself to splice the taffrail. + +Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle. +The gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon +the enemy's seaboard. The coasts of Rutland and merry +Leicestershire have still many a legend of fear to tell; and the +children of the British fishermen tremble even now when they speak +of the terrible "Repudiator." She was the first of the mighty +American war-ships that have taught the domineering Briton to +respect the valor of the Republic. + +The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the +sterner tone of the historian, when describing deeds connected with +his country's triumphs. It is well known that during the two +months in which she lay off Havre, the "Repudiator" had brought +more prizes into that port than had ever before been seen in the +astonished French waters. Her actions with the "Dettingen" and the +"Elector" frigates form part of our country's history; their +defence--it may be said without prejudice to national vanity--was +worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had to encounter; +and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which presided +on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of the +combat might have been in favor of the British vessels. It was not +until the "Elector" blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a +lucky shot which fell into her caboose, and communicated with the +powder-magazine, that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on +board the "Dettingen," which he carried sword in hand. Even when +the American boarders had made their lodgment on the "Dettingen's" +binnacle, it is possible that the battle would still have gone +against us. The British were still seven to one; their carronades, +loaded with marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which we had +possession, and decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from +the shrouds of the "Repudiator" shot Captain Mumford under the star +of the Guelphic Order which he wore, and the Americans, with a +shout, rushed up the companion to the quarter-deck, upon the +astonished foe. Pike and cutlass did the rest of the bloody work. +Rumford, the gigantic first-lieutenant of the "Dettingen," was cut +down by Commodore Bowie's own sword, as they engaged hand to hand; +and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down the British flag, after +having slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be to the souls of +the brave! The combat was honorable alike to the victor and the +vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior +depreciated a gallant foe. The bitterness of defeat was enough to +the haughty islanders who had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay +were lining the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel +must have been the pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes +rise over the old flag of the Union, and the "Dettingen" fall down +the river in tow of the Republican frigate. + +Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring +perhaps ever imagined by seaman. It is this which has been so +wrongly described by European annalists, and of which the British +until now have maintained the most jealous secrecy. + +Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended. Our intelligence in that +town and arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of +the troops, the forts, and the ships there; and it was determined +to strike a blow which should shake the British power in its +centre. + +That a frigate of the size of the "Repudiator" should enter the +harbor unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the +notions of even American temerity. But upon the memorable 26th of +June, 1782, the "Repudiator" sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick +fog, under cover of which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch +Bay, in the Isle of Wight. To surprise the Martello Tower and take +the feeble garrison thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain and a +few of his blue-jackets. The surprised garrison laid down their +arms before him. + +It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by +Lieutenant Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and +in another hour were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having +passed the challenges of the "Thetis" and the "Amphion" frigates, +and the "Polyanthus" brig. + +There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board +the Flag-ship lying in the harbor. A banquet had been given in +honor of the birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of +the Guelphs--the reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor +is in plenty. All on board that royal ship were more or less +overcome. The Flag-ship was plunged in a deathlike and drunken +sleep. The very officer of the watch was intoxicated: he could not +see the "Repudiator's" boats as they shot swiftly through the +waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as they swarmed up +the huge sides of the ship. + +At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the "Royal +George"--the Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet. The +hatches were down. The ship was in possession of the "Repudiator's" +crew. They were busy in her rigging, bending her sails to carry her +out of the harbor. The well-known heave of the men at the windlass +woke up Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We know, or rather do not +know, the result; for who can tell by whom the lower-deck ports of +the brave ship were opened, and how the haughty prisoners below sunk +the ship and its conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the +Republic! + +Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. His tale was +told to his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its +publication; and it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it +to me, his grandson, on his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday. + + + +A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. + +IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST BROWN TO THE EMINENT +NOVELIST SNOOKS. + + +"CAFE DES AVEUGLES. + +"MY DEAR SNOOKS,--I am on the look-out here for materials for +original comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre; +and, in the course of my studies, I have found something, my dear +Snooks, which I think will suit your book. You are bringing, I +see, your admirable novel, 'The Mysteries of May Fair,' to an end-- +(by the way, the scene, in the 200th number, between the Duke, his +Grandmother, and the Jesuit Butler, is one of the most harrowing +and exciting I ever read)--and, of course, you must turn your real +genius to some other channel; and we may expect that your pen shall +not be idle. + +"The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from +the French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and, +indeed, I found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and +a French literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of +the invention. He and an advertisement agent fell out about a +question of money, the affair was brought before the courts, and +the little plot so got wind. But there is no reason why you should +not take the plot and act on it yourself. You are a known man; the +public relishes your works; anything bearing the name of Snooks is +eagerly read by the masses; and though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell +Street, pay you handsomely, I make no doubt you would like to be +rewarded at a still higher figure. + +"Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days +is good for nothing. This one writes with a socialist purpose; +that with a conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the +most delicate skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find +yourself all but a Papist in the third volume: another doctors you +with Low Church remedies to work inwardly upon you, and which you +swallow down unsuspiciously, as children do calomel in jelly. +Fiction advocates all sorts of truth and causes--doesn't the +delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in everything? M. +Gonzales's plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear Snooks, +simply was to write an advertisement novel. Look over The Times or +the 'Directory,' walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day-- +see what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication +with their proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your studs, +and the tip on your chin, I don't know any greater swell than Bob +Snooks. Walk into the shops, I say, ask for the principal, and +introduce yourself, saying, 'I am the great Snooks; I am the author +of the "Mysteries of May Fair;" my weekly sale is 281,000; I am +about to produce a new work called "The Palaces of Pimlico, or the +Curse of the Court," describing and lashing fearlessly the vices of +the aristocracy; this book will have a sale of at least 530,000; it +will be on every table--in the boudoir of the pampered duke, as in +the chamber of the honest artisan. The myriads of foreigners who +are coming to London, and are anxious to know about our national +manners, will purchase my book, and carry it to their distant +homes. So, Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how +much will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel?' +You may make a noble income in this way, Snooks. + +"For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what +more delightful, than the description of upholstery? As thus:-- + +"'Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous +ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes, +when Lord Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of +Tomkins's elastic Axminster carpets. "Good heavens, my lord!" she +said--and the lovely creature fainted. The Earl rushed to the +mantel-piece, where he saw a flacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and,' +&c. + +"Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just +as easily, as thus:-- + +"'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately +at his wife, 'but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble +wants? The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or Gobiggin's, +but we can get our rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's for +20L.' And putting on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her +husband, the stoker's pretty bride tripped gayly to the well-known +mart, where Timmonson, within his usual affability, was ready to +receive them. + +"Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. +'Where did you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or +what you please?' said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace +Swellmore. The voluptuous Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So- +and-So's.' The answer is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or +your larder in this way. Begad, Snooks! I lick my lips at the +very idea. + +"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a +word for them! Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington +with an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that +simple but aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the +secret. Parvy Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though +corpulent and crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c. +Don't you see what a stroke of business you might do in this way. + +"The shoemaker.--Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the +ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by +Chevillett of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and + +"The hairdresser.--'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said +the Earl. 'I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has +not a single gray hair.' Wiggins laughed. 'My good Lord Baldock,' +said the old wag, 'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of +Ducroissant's shop, and under his valet's arm--ho! ho! ho!'--and +the two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count passed by, talking with, +&c. &c. + +"The gunmaker.--'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed +before his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one +of Clicker's manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the +maker and the weapon. "One, two, THREE," cried O'Tool, and the two +pistols went off at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, +the Lifeguardsman,' &c.--A sentence of this nature from your pen, +my dear Snooks, would, I should think, bring a case of pistols and +a double-barrelled gun to your lodgings; and, though heaven forbid +you should use such weapons, you might sell them, you know, and we +could make merry with the proceeds. + +"If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear +Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember +your friend." + + + + +THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., + +WITH HIS LETTERS. + + +A LUCKY SPECULATOR. + + +"Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower +circles in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which +has befallen James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected +family in Berkeley Square. + +"One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a +banker in the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, +said he had saved a little money in service, was anxious to retire, +and to invest his savings to advantage. + +"His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, +the well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, +Diddler, and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount +of his savings, wondering considerably how, out of an income of +thirty guineas--the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk +stockings, and perfumery--Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by +anything. + +"Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN +RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand +pounds. He had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed +from a fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in +Berkeley Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not +having instructed the Railway Secretaries who answered his +applications to apply at the area-bell. + +"Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P. +by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of +the breakfast which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently +invited him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was +observed that Miss Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished +seventh daughter, paid the lucky gentleman MARKED ATTENTION. + +"We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de +la Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which +he has started bears the ancient coat of his race. + +"He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of +thirty-three railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the +next general election on decidedly conservative principles, which +have always been the politics of his family. + +"Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy +had remarked his high demeanor. Well, 'None but the brave,' say +we, 'deserve the fair.'"--Morning Paper. + +This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been +put into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, +they are written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire +borrowed the sum on which he raised his fortune, what heart will +not melt with sympathy at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she +expresses in such artless language? + + +If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor +callous; if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr. +Plush will do her justice. + + +* The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers were +first published. + + + "JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE. + + "A HELIGY. + + + "Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate, + Come all ye ladies maids so fair-- + Vile I a story vill relate + Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square. + A tighter lad, it is confest, + Neer valked with powder in his air, + Or vore a nosegay in his breast, + Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square. + + "O Evns! it vas the best of sights, + Behind his Master's coach and pair, + To see our Jeames in red plush tights, + A driving hoff from Buckley Square. + He vel became his hagwilletts, + He cocked his at with SUCH a hair; + His calves and viskers VAS such pets, + That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square. + + "He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell, + And o! I vithered vith despair, + Missis VOULD ring the parler bell, + And call up Jeames in Buckley Square. + Both beer and sperrits he abhord, + (Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,) + You would have thought he vas a lord + Down in our All in Buckley Square. + + "Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann, + Ven I've an under'd pound to spare, + To take a public is my plan, + And leave this hojous Buckley Square.' + O how my gentle heart did bound, + To think that I his name should bear. + 'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound; + And gev them him in Buckley Square. + + "Our master vas a City gent, + His name's in railroads everywhere, + And lord, vot lots of letters vent + Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square: + My Jeames it was the letters took, + And read them all, (I think it's fair,) + And took a leaf from Master's book, + As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square. + + Encouraged with my twenty pound, + Of which poor I was unavare, + He wrote the Companies all round, + And signed hisself from Buckley Square. + And how John Porter used to grin, + As day by day, share after share, + Came railvay letters pouring in, + 'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.' + + "Our servants' All was in a rage-- + Scrip, stock, curves, gradients, bull and bear, + Vith butler, coachman, groom and page, + Vas all the talk in Buckley Square. + But O! imagine vot I felt + Last Vensday veek as ever were; + I gits a letter, which I spelt + 'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.' + + "He sent me back my money true-- + He sent me back my lock of air, + And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew + To Mary Hann and Buckley Square. + Think not to marry, foolish Hann, + With people who your betters are; + James Plush is now a gentleman, + And you--a cook in Buckley Square. + + "'I've thirty thousand guineas won, + In six short months, by genus rare; + You little thought what Jeames was on, + Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square. + I've thirty thousand guineas net, + Powder and plush I scorn to vear; + And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget + For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'" + + . . . . . . + +The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a +flood of tears. + + + +A LETTER FROM "JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE." + + +"ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845. + +"SIR,--Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to +state that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was +your abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer +the delligit feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have +NO IDEER of being made the subject of newspaper criticism. + +"I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my +name in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the +HINMOST PASHSN OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way +for the public emusemint. + +"What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies +of my engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with +their rupsher? Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN +A DOGGRIL BALLIT impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY +time at least, Mary Hann could only sign her + mark (has I've +hoften witnist it for her when she paid hin at the Savings Bank), +and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and making POATRY, she was as +HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself. + +"With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a +footman in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in +my affections to Mary Hann--a feller not five foot six, and with no +more calves to his legs than a donkey--who was always a-ritin +(having been a doctor's boy) and who I nockt down with a pint of +porter (as he well recklex) at the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for +daring to try to make a but of me. He has signed Miss H's name to +his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself hopen to a haction for +libel for insutting them in your paper. + +"It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I +borrowed 20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. +Can hall people say as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed? +No. And I not only paid it back, but giv her the andsomest +pres'nts: WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO, but for this +attack. Fust, a silver thimble (which I found in Missus's work- +box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems; third, I halways brought +her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she was +remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice, (and halways a +srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT ATTENTIONS, +which I sapose count for NOTHINK. + +"Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable. +I was gone into a new spear of life--mingling with my native +aristoxy. I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his +a hilliterit cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young +fellers of rank genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our +i's upon a low-born gal, I needn say it's only a tempory +distraction, pore passy le tong. So much for HER claims upon me. +Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR'S BOY he's unwuthy the notas of a +Gentleman. + +"That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow +much has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and +what was his cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated +Jewdicious, and ham what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, +and praps you haven't)--So may you be: if you choose to go in & +win. + +"I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a +hundred instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of +hosses I bought (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in +hany curracle,) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my +transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very +unhaptly my Dublin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, +and I've jest sold him at 1/4 discount. + +"At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my +stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a +confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber--He curls my air; inspex +my accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this +Vally my TRENT VALLY, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent +line, which injuiced me to ingage him. + +"Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge--I have two +handsom suvvices for dinner--the goold plate for Sundays, and the +silver for common use. When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to +my man, 'we will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the +goold), or else the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' I bought +them after realizing on the abuf lines, and if people suppose that +the companys made me a presnt of the plate, how can I help it? + +"In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid +Hexeter!' or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!' HE knows what +I mean: it's the wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of +my connexshn with those two railroads. + +"So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand +Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her +christened (provisionally) Rosamell--from the French line of which +I am Director; and only the other day, finding myself rayther +unwell, 'Doctor,' says I to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult +you because my Midlands are out of horder; and I want you to send +them up to a premium.' The Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the +story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s. + +"But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has +been to CLEAR MY CARRATER--to show that I came by my money in a +honrable way: that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned +it, and ham indeed grateful for my good fortune. + +"To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I +don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. +You are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. +This is more than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; +but the primmier being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for +his horder. Consurvative though I be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS +before the next Election, when I intend to hoffer myself as a +Candydick for Parlymint. + +"Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir, + +"Your most obeajnt Survnt, + +"FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE." + + + +THE DIARY. + + +One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office, +evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He +had no flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were +certainly two days old. He had not above three of the ten chains +he usually sports, and his great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands +were deprived of some dozen of the rubies, emeralds, and other +cameos with which, since his elevation to fortune, the poor fellow +has thought fit to adorn himself. + +"How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?" said we pleasantly, greeting our +esteemed contributor. + +"Scrip be ----," replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat, +and a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and +walked about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and +coppers, and showing other signs of agitation. At last, "MR. +PUNCH," says he, after a moment's hesitation, "I wish to speak to +you on a pint of businiss. I wish to be paid for my contribewtions +to your paper. Suckmstances is altered with me. I--I--in a word, +CAN you lend me --L. for the account?" + +He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to +mention it here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on +Messrs. Pump and Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest +fellow's eyes. He squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, +and shouting to a cab, he plunged into it at our office-door, and +was off to the City. + +Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open +pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we +took an inventory. It contained--three tavern-bills, paid; a +tailor's ditto, unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different +companies, twenty-six thousand seven hundred shares in all, of +which the market value we take, on an average, to be 1/4 discount; +and in an old bit of paper tied with pink ribbon a lock of chestnut +hair, with the initials M. A. H. + +In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the +proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are +insignificant: as, for instance:--"3rd January--Our beer in the +Suvnts' hall so PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely +MUSS give warning, & wood, but for my dear Mary Hann." February 7-- +That broot Screw, the Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary +Hann boxt his hold hears, & served him right. I DATEST Screw,"-- +and so forth. Then the diary relates to Stock Exchange operations, +until we come to the time when, having achieved his successes, Mr. +James quitted Berkeley Square and his livery, and began his life as +a speculator and a gentleman upon town. It is from the latter part +of his diary that we make the following + + +EXTRAX:-- + + +"Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that +by the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a +summ of 20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann +depreshiating the qualaty of his own mackyrel?)--wen I enounced my +abrup intention to cut--you should have sean the sensation among +hall the people! Cook wanted to know whether I woodn like a +sweatbred, or the slise of the breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, the +butler, (womb I always detested as a hinsalant hoverbaring beest,) +begged me to walk into the Hupper Servnts All, and try a glass of +Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his and, +& said, 'Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you & me, & +I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.' + +"The sickofnts!--that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper +ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which +I'm remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him +for his precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar +livry (he never would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of +our mugs); and in regard of Visp--why, it was ony the day before +the wulgar beest hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good +iding if I refused. Gentlemen and ladies,' says I, as haughty as +may be, 'there's nothink that I want for that I can't go for to buy +with my hown money, and take at my lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; +if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh myself in the KITCHING.' And +so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these minnial domestics; and +ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back, brushed the powder +out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries for hever, put +on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames Street, and +which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks. + +"There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious +to evoid a persnal leave-taking--Mary Hann Oggins, I mean--for my +art is natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. +I'd given her previous the infamation of my departure--doing the +ansom thing by her at the same time--paying her back 20 lb., which +she'd lent me 6 months before: and paying her back not only the +interest, but I gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver +thimbil, by way of boanus. 'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies +has haltered our rellatif positions in life. I quit the Servnts +Hall for ever, (for has for your marrying a person in my rank, +that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I wish you a good-by, my +good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer to me.' + +"Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable +kind), but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into +somethink betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on +the kitching dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the +dressing-room bell. Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & +things, & my check for 20lb. l0s., on the tabil when she went to +hanser the bell. And now I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her +own room nex but one to mine, vith the dore open, peraps expecting +I should come in and say good-by. But, as soon as I was dressed, I +cut down stairs, hony desiring Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch +me a cabb, and requesting permission to take leaf of my lady & the +famly before my departure." + + . . . . . . + +"How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what +a sweet gal she was--hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. +Then she hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. +Haubin, indeed! I don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss +Hemly's his--and has for a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a +Halbino, and her face looks as if it were dipt in a brann mash. +How she squeeged my & as she went away! + +"Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and +hivory, and I's as blew as Evin. + +"I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb--been resolved to +hact the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!" + + +"25th.--I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and +have past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new +soots of close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they +hall reckonise me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a +footman in disguise hafter all.'" + + +"28th.--Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a +wopper at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out +'Bravo,' some 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says +I, at which heverybody laft. + +"I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms +in goold on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold +waistcoat and dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. +I wear a Camallia Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double- +barreld opera-glas, so big, that I make Timmins, my secnd man, +bring it in the other cabb. + +"What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four +gals are faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do +all that they can do, and somethink they can't. There's an +indiscrible grace about her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she +sets my art in flams. + +"Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on +the fourth tear? + +"What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there! + +"P.S.--Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per +cent this very day." + + +"2nd July.--Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me, +Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion, +Honorable Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John's +carridge there in coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I +pass, and I'm obleged to get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed +up to the his. The gettin on hossback agin is halways the juice & +hall. Just as I was on, Desperation begins a porring the hair with +his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his anches, that I'm blest if I +didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at which Ballybunnion & the +hother chaps rord with lafter. + +"As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St. +Helena direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon +Junction,' from Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it +hup heagerly." + + +"6th July.--Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh +bords of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with +tunnils through Snowding and Plinlimming. + +"Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd +in the vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks; +Welsh rabbit after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he +went strummint on his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon +piguliarly disagreeble to me. + +"It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried +it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue +i's. Why HAM I always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is +sasiety, it's lors is irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry +a serving-made. What would Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say? + +"P.S.--I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money, & +halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,' +Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is +the best in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and +seventeen pound sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' +Richmond, with the Countess St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac. +Not one word of French could I speak, and in consquince had nothink +to do but to make myself halmost sick with heating hices and +desert, while the hothers were chattering and parlyvooing. + +"Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we +were more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy- +beer betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with +hall this splender!"-- + + +"July 24.--My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely +and chasely furnished--the droring-room with yellow satting and +silver for the chairs and sophies--hemrall green tabbinet curtings +with pink velvet & goold borders and fringes; a light blue +Haxminster Carpit, embroydered with tulips; tables, secritaires, +cunsoles, &c., as handsome as goold can make them, and candle- +sticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew. + +"The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round +igspanding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any +number from 8 to 24--to which it is my wish to restrict my parties. +Curtings crimsing damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my +favorite great men decorats the wall--namely, the Duke of +Wellington. There's four of his Grace. For I've remarked that if +you wish to pass for a man of weight and considdration you should +holways praise and quote him. I have a valluble one lickwise of my +Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert--has a Field Martial and halso as a +privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are daily hullered +aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & the Duke +hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars +has made me Capting. + +"The Libery is not yet done. + +"But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see +it! such a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with +Walanseens Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored +tapers. Goold dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed +white and gold with curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a +top by a goold Qpid who seems always a smilin angillicly hon me, +has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with the finest +Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2 groombs, and a +fimmale for the House. I've 7 osses: in cors if I hunt this winter +I must increase my ixtablishment. + +"N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.; +Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the +new lines in prospick equily incouraging. + + +"People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us +fashnabble gents about townd--But I can tell 'em it's not hall +goold that glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour +ours of studdy and reflecshun. They little think when they see +Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax +with Lady Hann, or lazaly stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring +helegant nothinx into the Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin +his hoss Desperation hover the exorcisin ground in the Park,--they +little think that leader of the tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a +careworn mann! and yet so it is. + +"Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at +double quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy. + +"First,--in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman +reely is, I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go +through it 4 times mor. + +"I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and & a sure seat +across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding +Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've +suffered from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the +Opra. + +"Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have +been surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the +apartmince of Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my +dancing-master. From six to nine we have walces and polkies--at +nine, 'mangtiang & depotment,' as he calls it & the manner of +hentering a room, complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting +yourself at table. At nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to +a party), I make my bow--my master (he's a Marquis in France, and +ad misfortins, being connected with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves +me--I hadwance--speak abowt the weather & the toppix of the day in +an elegant & cussory manner. Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my +mann--we precede to the festive bord--complimence is igschanged +with the manner of drinking wind, addressing your neighbor, +employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And then we fall to +brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat like a commoner. +He says I'm gettn on very well--soon I shall be able to inwite +people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr. +Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of +Hancient Rum;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself. + + +"The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins +then, reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts--Barnits as +many as I chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form +a member. Last Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my +friends: the display was sumptious; the company reshershy. +Everything that Dellixy could suggest was provided by Gunter. I +had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess of Wigglesbury, that +loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be called the Railway +Queend, as my friend George H---- is the Railway King,) on my left +the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the great Sir +Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust of +the fashn. I was in my GLOARY--the dear Countess and Lady Blanche +was dying with lauffing at my joax and fun--I was keeping the whole +table in a roar--when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly +Fitzwarren, my man, henters with an air of constanation. 'Theres +somebody at the door,' says he in a visper. + +"'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of +a husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this +time I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)-- +And so, going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, +enouncing Mr. & Mrs. Blodder. + +"I turned gashly pail. The table--the guests--the Countiss-- +Towrouski, and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated +I's. IT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman +at Healing Common, and he--he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart. + +"Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But +the unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, +Huncle Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm! + +"Phansy my feelinx." + + +"Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the +room: you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. +Old Grann looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental +splender, and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the +company as respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says-- +'Crikey, Jeames, you've got a better birth here than you ad where +you were in the plush and powder line.' 'Try a few of them plovers +hegs, sir,' I says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say, that somethink +would choke huncle B---; 'and I hope, mam, now you've ad the +kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment won't be out of your +way.' + +"This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and +because in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from +the hold lady, which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my +schooling; she got up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & +many a lb; and manys the time in appy appy days when me and +Maryhann has taken tea. But never mind THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you +must be tired hafter your walk.' + +"'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, & I came in, +in THE CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren, +intarupting her. And I will say the feller showed his nouce & good +breeding in this difficklt momink; for he'd halready silenced +huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny +sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies. + +"'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that +sly wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle +hold Lady, pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often +seen her take a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I +was ableeged to horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and +to help my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it +hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with her lipps +after she'd emtied the glas, which very nearly caused me to phaint +with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn't igspose herself much +farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take another glas, I +cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old Grann hearing him +edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!' and got up and +made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another word. +The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy. + +"The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust +at the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, +got up to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of +coarse, rose to conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it +was! There it stood, with stars and garters hall hover the +pannels; the footmin in peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 +hundred apiece;--and there stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary +Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and +waiting till my abandind old parint should come out. + +"Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, +the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid +as a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they +witnessed the sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty +Quickset, who was going away with the Countiss, held her little & +out of the carridge to me and said, 'Mr. De la Pluche, you are a +much better man than I took you to be. Though her Ladyship IS +horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take gin for breakfast, +don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for honoring their +father & mother.' + +"And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all +the good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was +a trump for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills +said she should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I +let them. But it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove +hoff. + +"There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I +muss say, I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those +fine ladies in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one +of em can hold a candle to Mary Hann.'" + + +"Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they +har at my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow +me out of the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says +I'm worth half a millium. The number of lines they're putting me +upon is inkumseavable. I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. +Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire, looks splendid in a perspectus; and +the raskle owns that he has made two thowsnd. + +"How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into +Lady Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, +and cries out, 'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she +complyments me on my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the +phansy of my weskit, and always ends by asking me for some shares. +Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as +poor as Joab--even he condysends to be sivvle to the great De la +Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, lately, in his sollom, pompus +way, 'to faver him with five minutes' conversation.' I knew what +was coming--application for shares--put him down on my private +list. Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing through +Bareacres--hoped I'd come down and shoot there. + +"I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There, +old Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a +footman. There, old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see +you come cringing and begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a +VERY public place, I take my change for my money. I digg him in +the ribbs, or slap his padded old shoulders. I call him, +'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince. It does my art +good. + +"I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. +Lady Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her +right, of course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was +getting on in my fassanating way--full of lacy ally (as the Marquis +says) and easy plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, +asked me to drink shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw +Charles Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers' +house) grinning over his shoulder at the butler. + +"The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the +hall, he came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish +visper. 'Just come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for +you, my old boy.' So I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my +pus in my hand, as if I was going to give him a sovaring. + +"'I think you said "Jeames," Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at +dinner?' + +"'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.' + +"'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just +one on the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd +been shot. And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest +of the grinning scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb." + + +"Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, +Earl Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of +self & that noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small +piece of land of about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding +advantageous for the cultivation of sheep, which have been found to +have a pickewlear fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, +heather, and other hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting +in the places where the rox and stones don't prevent them. +Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and the land is also devided +hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges--much more usefle and ickonomicle +than your quickset or any of that rubbishing sort of timber: indeed +the sile is of that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there +altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this land (the +igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares)--a very handsom price for +land which never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient +to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers +which he had given them. James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for +the fust time a landed propriator--or rayther, I should say, is +about to reshume the rank & dignity in the country which his +Hancestors so long occupied. + +"I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the +Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered +on the North by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby +Growler; on the South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a +young feller of great emagination, womb we have employed to make a +survey of the Great Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar +(on paper), Plushton Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., +Esquire. The house is reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer, +imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a +lake in front with boatsful of nobillaty and musitions floting on +its placid sufface--and a curricle is a driving up to the grand +hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady Hangelana de la +Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going to form a noble +kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my family once +more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some sentries +separated us. I have dreams of that sort. + +"I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL, +standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union +with a serting butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir +Jeames and lady Hangelina de la Pluche! Ho! what will the old +washywoman, my grandmother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and +shall too by my honor as a Gent." + + +"As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to +give 5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some +ideer in vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't +Squallop lie amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, +and Scrag End, through which cities our line passes? I will have +400,000 lb. for that mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have +arranged a little barging too for my friend the Erl. The line will +pass through a hangle of Bareacre Park. He shall have a good +compensation I promis you; and then I shall get back the 3000 I +lent him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a horrid state." + + +[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no interest +to the public:--Memoranda of City dinners--meetings of Directors-- +fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and nearly always +by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose "pompossaty," +as previously described, seems to have almost entirely subsided.] + + +We then come to the following:-- + + +"With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett +the following news:-- + +"'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of +Diddlesex. + +"'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'" + + +"'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry. + +"'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice +Blowhard, promoted."' + + +"And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator--a Deppaty +Leftnant--a Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror +a sayber in my country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and +me at the head of my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd +extonish 'em! How the gals will stare when they see me in +youniform! How Mary Hann would--but nonsince! I'm halways +thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's. She couldn't +abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's got a +good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss, +or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my +granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on +Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she's +sent it back, sealed with a thimbill." + + +Tuesday.--Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B----, rellatiff +to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that +hospicious seramony:-- + + +"'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,--I THINK you had better be presented as a +Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know +what the uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, +when the Prince of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray +jackets, leathers, red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass +helmets with leopard-skin and a white plume, and the regulation +pig-tail of eighteen inches. That dress will hardly answer at +present, and must be modified, of coarse. We were called the White +Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly recommend the +Deputy Lieutenant. + +"'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing- +room. Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, +who will be presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, +and is anxious to make your acquaintance. + +"'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake, +my dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige + +"'Yours, very gratefully, + +"'BAREACRES.' + + +"Note.--Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M +for the cavvlery." + + +"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that +month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my +gracious Sovarink. + +"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my +busm was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them +thinking of the great ewent--or if igsosted natur DID clothes my +highlids--the eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. +Corts, Erls, presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in +my dreembs unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn +never surely igseeded that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I +actially dremt that Her R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and +that there was a Cabinit Counsel to detummin whether her & was to +be bestoad on me or the Prins of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a +young Prooshn or Germing zion of nobillaty. I ask umly parding for +this hordacious ideer. + +"I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented +to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The +Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming +like the--the--livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to +wear before entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of +wearing one. My detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry +Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex +Huzzas. + +"Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself +quite hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as +shuited the presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig- +tales was out of the question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. +My legg is praps the finist pint about me, and I was risolved not +to hide it under a booshle. + +"I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have +seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to +go there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did +I have myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables. + +"Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold +tassels as bigg as belpulls. + +"Jackit--French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according +to the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & +settin hoff the cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY. + +"A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of +Demaskus steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and +imbridered pocket ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, +without vannaty, was, I flatter myself, UNEAK. + +"But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. +The huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass +Elmet & Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of +hevery Brittn; an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and +adord Prins; an At which VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane +etempted to run down. I chose the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell +Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty, intending to SURPRISE him. +The white ploom of the West Diddlesex Yomingry I fixt on the topp +of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a shaving-brush. + +"You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect +to practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say. + +"This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made +Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the +Lord in Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm +chair to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my +secknd man, standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus +Prins Consort. Hall the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la +Pluche, presented by Herl Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man, +igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to the Thrown. Nealin on +one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty towards the British +Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus Simiter WOULD +git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery +disagreeble)--rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly +but respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated +backards out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 +hours at this gaym the night before my presntation, and yet I was +the fust to be hup with the sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night. +By abowt six o'clock in the morning I was drest in my full uniform; +and I didnt know how to pass the interveaning hours. + +"'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will +rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in +life. Has I ave read in the novle of "Kennleworth," that the Herl +goes down in Cort dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down +in all my splender and astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.' +To make this detummination; to horder my Broom; to knock down +Frederick the groomb for delaying to bring it; was with me the wuck +of a momint. The next sor as galliant a cavyleer as hever rode in +a cabb, skowering the road to Healing. + +"I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with +the cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed +through the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. +My snowy ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I +hentered the apartmint. + +"There was a smell of tea there--there's always a smell of tea +there--the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords +her; but ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann! + +"I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to +me subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did +when you arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer +mortial, you were diwine!' + +"R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions +in the groce carriketure he's made of me."* + + +* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. + + . . . . . . + +"Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my +hentrance to St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish +Hambasdor himself was not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out. + +"As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved +to come to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as +a charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in +which I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand +it,) and 2 fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I +rode up St. Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hadycongs--the people +huzzaying--the gals waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring +Prins--hall the winders crowdid to see me pass. + +"The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came, +for the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with +presented harms. + +"What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from +Desperation. I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, +salewting the crowd, I past into the presnts of my Most Gracious +Mrs. + +"You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the +suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not +one who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our +reckonized instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye +rallying round my Thrown. + +"Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,--when I +sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious +Prins, to admire womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my +busum was seased with an imotium which my Penn rifewses to +dixcribe--my trembling knees halmost rifused their hoffis--I +reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting in the harms of +the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd to be standing by (I +knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him, igspecially his +ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall say +nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT +HE ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I +introjuiced myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the +equaintance, and peraps ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy. + +"But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had +the inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, +that Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the +ecomplisht Lady Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, +John George Godfrey de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, +Baron Southdown, in the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron +Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant of the County of +Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was with her Noble Ma, when I +was kinducted tords her. And surely never lighted on this hearth a +more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady Hangelina +was the fairest Star--in that reath of Loveliness the sweetest +Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been +senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge +disappeared in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of +Hangelina. + +"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow--a grand and hawfle pusnage +her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of +Hostridge phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness +perfickly bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so +delighted to make your acquaintance. I have often heard of you.' + +"'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the +fair Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see +I've not studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French +phraces, without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.) + +"'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY +old friend of yours.' + +"'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty-- + +"'Hoggins--Mary Ann Hoggins'--ansurred my lady (laffing phit to +splitt her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and +I'm afraid you are a very sad, sad person.' + +"'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with +that young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for +hever, and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.' + +"'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all +dying to know." + +"'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,' +says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the +fassanations of my smile. + +"'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and +mistashes standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of +the Countess of Bareacres' train?'--'Never mind Mamma's train' +(said Lady Hangelina): 'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is +to make all our fortunes--yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me +present you to Captain George Silvertop,'--The Capting bent just +one jint of his back very slitely; I retund his stare with equill +hottiness. 'Go and see for Lady Bareacres' carridge, George,' says +his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a cousin of ours--a poor +relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when he came back, nor +in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and +fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting." + + +"Thusday Night.--O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments +daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle +Camellia Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear +it in her raving Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what +was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the +house with my glas! + +"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however--would scarcely +speek; although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I +spose it was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the +box. As if he didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts +for nothink) that people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty." + + +"Friday.--I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in +the folloring lines--there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that +she's fond of. I edapted them to that mellady. + +"She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling +at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick; +said I sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); +and, on her rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out +with my pom: + + + "'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS. + + "'When moonlike ore the hazure seas + In soft effulgence swells, + When silver jews and balmy breaze + Bend down the Lily's bells; + When calm and deap, the rosy sleap + Has lapt your soal in dreems, + R Hangeline! R lady mine! + Dost thou remember Jeames? + + "'I mark thee in the Marble All, + Where Englands loveliest shine-- + I say the fairest of them hall + Is Lady Hangeline. + My soul, in desolate eclipse, + With recollection teems-- + And then I hask, with weeping lips + Dost thou remember Jeames? + + "'Away! I may not tell thee hall + This soughring heart endures-- + There is a lonely sperrit-call + That Sorrow never cures; + There is a little, little Star, + That still above me beams; + It is the Star of Hope--but ar! + Dost thou remember Jeames?' + + +"When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I +threw such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at +the hend, that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of +uncumtrollable emotium seized her. She put her ankercher to her +face and left the room. I heard her laffing and sobbing histerickly +in the bedwor. + +"O Hangelina--My adord one, My Arts joy!" . . . + + +"BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet +Southdown, B's eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting +(who seems to git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have +beene down into Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the +feald there. + +"Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent +boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers +in the Edges with a pistle)--I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes +as a shot, and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a +shooting gallery, which a chap histed up and down with a string. I +sugseaded in itting the hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker's +'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns at Mantings, and salected from +the French prints of fashn the most gawjus and ellygant sportting +ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very much on +one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered satting, a weskit +of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter tartn, (with +large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and +sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes, +was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set +hoff my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my +own pusnal istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my +grooms, with Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong +containing my dressing-case and close. + +"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad +Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk +of the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new +comer amongst 'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the +Bareacres tenantry, where I made a speech droring tears from +heavery i. It was in compliment to a layborer who had brought up +sixteen children, and lived sixty years on the istate on seven bobb +a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station. I shook hands +with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told him that the +purshuit of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of humannaty: +I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of my +hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a +pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each +pocket, as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my +man, brought them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down +defning chears selewted the horator; the band struck up 'The Good +Old English Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina +waived her ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in the distans that +pore Mary Hann efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints." + + +"What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady +Hangelina's company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded +gownds and retired caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her +which is puffickly admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral +bewty & sweetniss, creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . . +Shor! I MUSTN'T give way to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the +aristoxy. What can she be to me but a mear recklection--a vishn of +former ears? + +"I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. +I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady +in a melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, +which was eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient +demean. + +"'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I--'A penny for your Ladyship's +thought,' says I. + +"'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice, +with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my +thoughts are, well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old +times, when both of us were poo--poo--oor,' says Mary Hann, busting +out in a phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide. I took her and +tried to cumft her: I pinted out the diffrents of our sitawashns; +igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as its +previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to marry into a noble +famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going hon hall the +time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up--'The real Siming Pewer,' +as they say in the play. + +"There they stood together--them two young women. I don't know +which is the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt +help comparing myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that +found it difficklt to make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A." + + +"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren--my oan man--a feller I've maid a +fortune for--a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!--a low bred +Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and +treating me to his imperence. + +"He's a great big athlatic feller--six foot i, with a pair of black +whiskers like air-brushes--with a look of a Colonel in the harmy--a +dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome +from shuiting this hafternoon--and passing through Lady Hangelina's +flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann +pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to +her? + +"'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money. +We'll take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a +purse-proud ungrateful fellow like Jeames--who's such a snob ('such +a SNOB' was his very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him--who's +the laughing stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room +too--try a MAN,' says he--'don't be taking on about such a humbug +as Jeames.' + +"Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust +out a laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and +intarupt this polite convasation. + +"I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to +the young woman--and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to +remain.' + +"'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller--all +the colors of the ranebo. + +"'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I. + +"'It's not your livery,' says he. + +"'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I, +unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my +jackit, Joe,' says I to the boy,--and put myself in a hattitude +about which there was NO MISTAYK. + + . . . . . . + +"He's 2 stone heavier than me--and knows the use of his ands as +well as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb +can't stand before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, +I've little doubt, but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us +before we'd had more than 2 rounds. + +"I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm +writing this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to +dinner on account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and +disfiggrs me dreadfl." + + +"On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter +with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with +the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form an +agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard +pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable; +and (has the Poick well observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the +Fare') I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory +disfiggarment. + +"It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my +phisticoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis: +but of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, +apinting Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley. + +"Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul +visits during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me +messidges by her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the +contry) was always sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. +Now it was a coolin hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her +Ladyship would perscribe--then, agin, it would be a booky of +flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and jyponikys), +which none but the fair &s of Hangelina could dispose about the +chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear mothers! when they wish +to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or to ixtablish their +dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give a man! You'd +have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), that I +couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and +blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I +ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the +kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, +and sacrafised myself for her dear sayk. + +"I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and +his son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, +and hoped soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland. + +"'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent +father. 'You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and +those of my Lady Bareacres; but I am not--not quite certain about +Lady Angelina's feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do +not see the necessity of prudent establishments, and I have never +yet been able to make Angelina understand the embarrassments of her +family. These silly creatures prate about love and a cottage, and +despise advantages which wiser heads than theirs know how to +estimate.' + +"'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out +at this outrayjus ideer. + +"'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,--your +admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond +father's wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our +family.' + +"'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,--'a barging's a barging-- +I'll pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a +STRAYNGER'--(this I said in a sarcastickle toan)--'I wouldn't take +such a LIBBATY. When I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of +your estayt. I'll make your incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and +restor the ouse of Bareacres to its herly splender. But a pig in a +poak is not the way of transacting bisniss imployed by Jeames De la +Pluche, Esquire.' + +"And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest +scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. +All my shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I +was sevral thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind +not to reerlize till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to +found a new family of Delapluches, and to alie myself with the +aristoxy of my country. + +"These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. +'If you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have +married you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a +marter to dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with +that ideer.' + +"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and +Lady Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow +you were, Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I +liked), 'in your fight with Fitzwarren--to engage a man of twice +your strength and science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this +is an etroashous folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 +minnits), 'for the sake of poor Mary Hann! That's a generous +fellow. I like to see a man risen to eminence like you, having his +heart in the right place. When is to be the marriage, my boy?' + +"'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt +a precious sight more than you;'--and I gev him to understand I +didn't want him to put in HIS ore--I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, +I prommis you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as +brayv as Bonypert, Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face +bagnits as well as any Evy drigoon of 'em all. + +"Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la +Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that +you will be happy with a person like me?' + +"'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any +such thing.' + +"'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep +your eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous +that you begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you +don't marry her, and perhaps some one else's--but you don't mind +THAT.' + +"'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for +Mary Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy. +Once for all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a +pang to part with her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), +'but part from her I must.' + +"It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina, +that melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so +disml--yet she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all. + +"'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up +Josephine. What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!' + +"'It does,' says I--'Hagnies!' (Another laff.) + +"'And if--if I don't accept you--you will invade the States of +the Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the +occasion of peace between you!' + +"'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors +your Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers +morgidged; that if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an +old pawper; that he owes me a lot of money; and that I'm the man +that can sell him up hoss & foot; or set him up agen--THAT'S what I +know, Lady Hangelina,' says I, with a hair as much as to say, 'Put +THAT in your ladyship's pipe and smoke it.' + +"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced-- + +"'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--We hear that a matrimonial union is on +the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in +the Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose +estates are situated in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this +interesting event.'" + + +"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the +fealinx of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by +the hideer of my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther +disapinted peraps that the fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so +easy to give me hup, for we Gents are creechers of vannaty after +all, as well as those of the hopsit secks; and betwigst you and me +there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht that I'd been borne a +Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have permitted me to marry +both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd to be appy with +ony one. + +"Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my +defianced bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery +the great Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a +gent of my qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning +Erald--no, no, I'm not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit +infamation) an account of my famly, my harms and pedigry. + +"I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my +arms and my adord wife's was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks +of me and her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being +resolved to be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that my +character as a man of fashn wasn't compleat unless I sat to that +dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I presented to Hangelina. It's +not considered flattring--and though SHE parted with it, as you +will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young lady (a thousand +times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her hi. + +"Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for +about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by +Maryhann, though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it & +pressing it to her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't +got your angellick smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.' + +"Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her +mamma, though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the +'Book of Bewty' the same year. + +"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known +her--but the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted +in a gitar supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and +her brother Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote +the follering stanzys about her:-- + + + "LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT. + + "BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN. + +"The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea, +Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea: +I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er, +I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more. +I stood upon the donjon keep--it is a sacred place,-- +Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race; +Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field, +There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield. + +"The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck, +On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck. +A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray-- +St. Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day! +O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since +A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince! +At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers, +The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears! + +"'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing: +O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing! +Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us, +And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus! +O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear +Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear? +I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride, +And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side! + +"Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine! +Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line: +Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls, +The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls. +Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile, +'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile. +I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob +I'll muse on other days, and wish--and wish I were.--A SNOB." + + +"All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle. +They're always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young +chaps; but the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his +cuttin hoff his 'strong right hand,' is rayther too good; the +feller is about 5 fit hi,--as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist +like a gal; and though he may have the art and curridge of a Bengal +tyger, I'd back my smallest cab-boy to lick him,--that is, if I AD +a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is over. + +"Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark +payges of the Istry of my life!" + + +"My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn, +prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though +mounted on the haypix of Good Luck--feasting hall the great (like +the Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle +and igsample through life), but not forgitting the small--No, my +beayvior to my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new +donkey cart (what the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set +of peggs for anging up her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a +new shoot of close, which he ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much +to the estonishment of my Snyder there, namely an olliffgreen +velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush weskoat with +glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I never +should have eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble +sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to +either good or bad forting. + +"What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was +prepayred for my marridge--the consent of the parents of my +Hangelina was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I +thought) to be led to Himing's halter--the trooso was hordered--the +wedding dressis were being phitted hon--a weddinkake weighing half +a tunn was a gettn reddy by Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there +was such an account for Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have +staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the Commissioner when I came +hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich +fine ones as never was given away--no not by Hiss Iness the Injan +Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were +from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. The honey- +moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was in +treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my +town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share- +Markit which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the +atax of the misrable Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning +Erald) was restored to its elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with +scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or 3: and bein confidnt that the +Markit would rally, had bought very largely for the two or three +new accounts. + +"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv +orders for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their +accounts. I am the soal of onour--but no gent can pay when he has +no money--it's not MY fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres +cabbidged three hundred yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the +biggest diminds and seven of the largist Injar Shawls--it's not MY +fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that Lady +B. declared they were LOST. I began the world afresh with the +close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing +nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though +beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin. + +"Well--it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The +'Ringdove' steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The +Bridle apartmince had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly +at Balong sur Mare--the very table cloth was laid for the weddn +brexfst in Ill Street, and the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the +Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium. +All the papers were full of it. Crowds of the fashnable world went +to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges in Long Hacre. Our +travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting, and +vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet +ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and +Mary Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our +match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught +and joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly. + +"I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before--aving a +multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts +to settle: atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in +horder: my sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going +to be marrid or to be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: +tride on my wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me +exeedingly. + +"One thing distubbed my mind--two weskts had been sent home. A +blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet +imbridered in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? +This hadgitated and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go +down to Hill Street and cumsult the Lady whose wishis were +henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and wear whichever SHE phixt on. + +"There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street: +which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared +meost uncommon when I kem in--the footman who was to enounce me +laft I thought--I was going up stairs-- + +"'Her ladyship's not--not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's +hill in bed.' + +"'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.' + +"At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown +out like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the +porter jined in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, +slapping his and on his thy, without the least respect--I say, +Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good un?' + +"'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and +laffing at me?' + +"'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'--and +indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs--her +&s in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look +hod & then to grin too. + +"'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and +collaring him fit to throttle him--'no raskle of a flunky shall +insult ME,' and I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both +of 'em into the hall-chair with a flopp--when Mary Hann, jumping +down, says, 'O James! O Mr. Plush! read this'--and she pulled out +a billy doo. + +"I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina." + + +"Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:-- + +"'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished +pretensions which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; +and have spared me the painful necessity of the step which I am +compelled to take. For a long time I could not believe my parents +were serious in wishing to sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated +them to spare me. I cannot undergo the shame and misery of a union +with you. To the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only +now anticipate by a few hours, my departure from a home from which +they themselves were about to expel me. + +"'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, +as you are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are +already informed of the step I have taken. And I have my own honor +to consult, even before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope +and feel, before long. + +"'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your +exquisite feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. +She admires you as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy +which I entreat you to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, +try--for the sake of your sincere friend and admirer, A. + +"'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds +are beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.' + + +"This was hall!--Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, +and that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who +has she gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one +hi) just touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin +out with the noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then! + +"I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement! + +"The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is +from the Morning Tatler newspaper:-- + + +"ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. + +"THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT. + +"The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable +world, has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement +by an event which has just placed a noble family in great +perplexity and affliction. + +"It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a +marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble +Earl, and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world +have been the theme of general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was +supposed, in all human probability would have contained an account +of the marriage of James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina +----, daughter of the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The +preparations for this ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure +of inspecting the rich trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of +Pall Mall); the magnificent jewels from the establishment of +Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant marriage cake, which, +already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not destined to be eaten by +the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb carriages, and +magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style of the +most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord +Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the +nuptials, and is staying at Mivart's. What must have been the +feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of the agonized and +noble parents of the Lady Angelina--when it was discovered, on the +day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the +paternal mansion! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble +niece's departure might have been fatal: we have it from the +waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was about to indulge in the +refreshment of turtle soup when the news was brought to him; +immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann, the celebrated +surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond Street at +the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved the +exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace, +Bullocksmithy, tomorrow. + +"The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres +can be imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to +disturb--impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. +Our reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's +mansion in Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and +his incomparable Countess. They have been received with a rudeness +which we deplore but pardon. One was threatened with a cane; +another, in the pursuit of his official inquiries, was saluted with +a pail of water; a third gentleman was menaced in a pugilistic +manner by his Lordship's porter; but being of an Irish nation, a +man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College, +Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment confronted the menial, +and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring hotel much +frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and there +obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of +this extraordinary occurrence. + +"George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of +Lord Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:--Lady Angelina +had been promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She +never could abide that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the +servants' hall. Previous to his elevation he had himself been +engaged in a domestic capacity. At that period he had offered +marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the quality of +ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was employed. Miss +Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady Angelina--the +elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss Hoggins who +delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his +loss. + +"Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres, +was ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a +cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. +19,796, driven by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from +Clonakilty, in the neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more +anon), and waited, according to his instructions, at the corner of +Berkeley Square with his vehicle. His young lady, accompanied by +her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a band-box, presently +arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what were the contents +of that box we have never been able to ascertain. On asking her +Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any particular +direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the eminent +milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he +should accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by +Miss Hoggins to go about his business. + +"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab +19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered +with no small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, +Lincoln's Inn Fields, where he lives with his family of nine +children. Having received two sovereigns, instead doubtless of two +shillings (his regular fare, by the way, would have been only one- +and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab for the two +last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless intoxication. +His replies were very incoherent in answer to the queries of our +reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a compatriot, it +is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity +of the public. + +"At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A +GENTLEMAN entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER +gentleman (meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray +trousers, and black hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE +EUSTON SQUARE STATION, and there left them. How he employed his +time subsequently we have stated. + +"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment +learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman +answering the above description had taken places to Derby. We have +despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, +and shall give his report in a second edition. + + +"SECOND EDITION. + +"(From our Reporter.) + +"NEWCASTLE, Monday. + +"I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and +Cucumber Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS. +JONES, the gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a +blue band-box, arrived by the train two hours before me, and have +posted onwards to SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write +this on the hind boot, as they are putting to. + + +"THIRD EDITION. + +"GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening. + +"The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock, +the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage +between George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th +Hussars, third son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, +Yorkshire, and Lady Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of +the present Earl of Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia +Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, +daughter of the last-named Earl Bareacres. + + +(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book +of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not +be repeated here.) + + +"After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight +refreshment of sherry and water--the former the Captain pronounced +to be execrable; and, having myself tasted some glasses from the +VERY SAME BOTTLE with which the young and noble pair were served, I +must say I think the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the +'Bagpipes Hotel and Posting-House,' whence they instantly proceeded. +I follow them as soon as the horses have fed. + + +"FOURTH EDITION. + +"SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER. + +"WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight. + +"I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the +newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace, +reached Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the +'Cairngorm Arms'--mine is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of +Whistlebinkie.' + +"On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of +military appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in +smoking a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, +and the gentleman in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my +boy? You have come too late; unless you are come to have some +supper;' or words to that effect. I explained that I was not the +Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely apprised Captain Silvertop +(for I justly concluded the individual before me could be no other) +of his mistake. + +"'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you, +then?' said Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's +attorneys? If you are, you have come too late for the fair.' + +"I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my +name was J--ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the +establishment of the Morning Tatler newspaper. + +"'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked my +interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank--that the +disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had +caused the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my +employers were anxious to give the public every particular +regarding an event so singular. + +"'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way +from London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the +readers of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ---- +(the Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not +repeat) and you too, sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.' + +"'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, +seizing me rudely by the collar--and he would have choked me, but +that my blue satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left +in the hands of this GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly +exclaimed, adding, I believe, 'murder,' and other exclamations of +alarm. In vain I appealed to the crowd, which by this time was +pretty considerable; they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst +into laughter, and called out, 'Give it him, Captain.' A struggle +ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have had the better, but +that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general and indecent +hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and said, +'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap, +Jims, and order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense--and mind +I don't see your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly +than it is.' + +"With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr. +Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake +of his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I +make them known that they may call down the indignation of the body +of which I am a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the +public, as a gentleman shamefully assaulted and insulted in the +discharge of a public duty." + + +"Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of +my busm, and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee. +Mace thou be appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed +on i, the beink on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations +to Evn in your be1/2! + +"I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of +Hangelina's departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard +the fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, +they were married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I +made to Earl Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated +with me. Er who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I +never from that momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c., +were sent back--with the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, +which her Ladyship COODN'T FIND. Ony it was whispered that at the +nex buthday she was seen with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN. +Let er keep it. + +"Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted +me adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister-- +but I wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh--there was no more +money for THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his +feelinx in a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel +Assombly. + +"All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers, +hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their +bills, haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. +That madniss didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, +and rayge rack'd my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my +throbbink ilids. Hall night I follered Hangelinar in imadganation +along the North Road. I wented cusses & mallydickshuns on the +hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in my unhuttarable whoe! I +seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it, strangled it. Ha +har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint grasp; and taw +the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible strenth of my +despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of that +night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning, +the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De +la Pluche! + +"'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I +had not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged +elseware. Hevns & huth!--what was it I red there? What was it +that made me spring outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?--I +red Rewin in that Share-list--the Pannick was in full hoparation! + + . . . . . . + +Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is +familliar? My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which +lassarated my bleeding art in Hoctober last. On the fust of +Hawgust where was I? Director of twenty-three Companies; older of +scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at least a quarter of a +millium. On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas quotid at 14 pm, were +down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at 3/8 discount; my Table +Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my Bathershins and +Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account at 17 +primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central Oregons, +prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be alive +to write my own tail!" + +(Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad +calculations, which we pretermit.) + +"Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me +a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and- +sixpence: woodn't advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of +scrip; kep me waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and +then sent out Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't +discount my paper, and implawed me to clothes my account. I did: I +paid the three-and-six balliance, and never sor 'em mor. + +"The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. +Hagnies, Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came +upon me. They beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch +at the Halbany wodn keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. +Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution +into my apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furniture. +'Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.' What an adwertisement +George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was collected to +laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller of +wine; my picturs--that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless +her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all--all went to the ammer. +That brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt +me on the sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into +suvvis aginn.' + +"I DID go into suvvis--the wust of all suvvices--I went into the +Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 +mortial weeks. Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble +altogether; there was sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner. +I had visitors. A cart used to drive hup to the prizn gates of +Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat old lady in it, and a +young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has an art can +gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann! 'Shall +we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann said. +Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral: +but I didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed +man. Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out! +I'd thirteen shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring. I +wasn't prowd. I turned the mangle for three weeks; and then Uncle +Bill said, 'Well, there IS some good in the feller;' and it was +agreed that we should marry." + +The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw +the accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. +We are happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a +prosperous one. + +The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of +Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina +Silvertop. Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to +the venerable prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, +of which he had been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and +where he married three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral +Church of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy. + +The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was +preparing a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the +Lord Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, +bringing in his accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper, +discovered the venerable form extended on the Turkey carpet with a +glass of Madeira in his hand; but life was extinct: and surgical +aid was therefore not particularly useful. + +All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man +increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in +during his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds-- +divided between his nephew and niece--not a greater sum than has +been left by several deceased Irish prelates. + +What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon +to state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, +which does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady +Angelina Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and +affectionate servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. +James Plush, to whom her Ladyship also made a handsome present-- +namely, the lease, good-will, and fixtures of the "Wheel of Fortune" +public-house, near Shepherd's Market, May Fair: a house greatly +frequented by all the nobility's footmen, doing a genteel stroke of +business in the neighborhood, and where, as we have heard, the +"Butlers' Club" is held. + +Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife: +reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler +and a higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and +accommodates himself to an apron with perfect good humor. A +gentleman connected with this establishment dined at the "Wheel of +Fortune" the other day, and collected the above particulars. Mr. +Plush blushed rather, as he brought in the first dish, and told his +story very modestly over a pint of excellent port. He had only one +thing in life to complain of, he said--that a witless version of +his adventures had been produced at the Princess's theatre, +"without with your leaf or by your leaf," as he expressed it. "Has +for the rest," the worthy fellow said, "I'm appy--praps betwixt you +and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port +(with your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much as my +clarrit in my prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely +to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary +Hann, he's a beest: and when a christening takes place in our +famly, will you give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be +godfather." + + + +LETTERS OF JEAMES. + + +JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS. + + +"Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety +the follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an +olesome warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents. + +"Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable +cludgyman in the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel +T----, of the Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young +man was sent to Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where +he was very nearly being Senior Rangler. He came to London to +study for the lor. His prospix was bright indead; and he lived in +a secknd flore in Jerming Street, having a ginteal inkum of two +hundred lbs. per hannum. + +"With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted +for nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young +man, who took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots; +cleaned his kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to +dine out, took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club-- +where (unless somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed +his alf-pint of Marsally Wine. + +"Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the +world. Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long +befor sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; +one, ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of +the Heast-Injar Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal +of all the season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His +haspirations were on the pint of being crowndid with success; and +it was agreed that as soon as he was called to the bar, when he +would sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord +Chanslor, he should lead her to the halter. + +"What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up +his mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent +pleader; he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb, +or with his hadord Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no +egstravigancies; he never was known to ride in a cabb, unless one +of his tip-top friends lent it him; to go to a theayter unless he +got a horder; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar. If +prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that young man. + +"But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick +Timmins. The Railway Hoperations began. + +"For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations +of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took +no note of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution +which with hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they +began to be talked of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford +and Cambridge Clubb, fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of +Brasen Nose) cleared four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter), +who had lost all his proppaty gambling, had set himself up again; +and Jack Deuceace, who had won it, had won a small istate besides +by lucky specklations in the Share Markit. + +"HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having +saved 100 lb., he began a writin for shares--using, like an +ickonominicle feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious +igstent. All the Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to +shares--the allottments came tumbling in--he took the primmiums by +fifties and hundreds a day. His desk was cramd full of bank notes: +his brane world with igsitement. + +"He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day +about Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole +talk was of railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled +full of prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle, +to say he feared he was neglectin his bisniss. + +"Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous +habits. He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to +Greenwich or Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often: +although the hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so +much more heasily now than before: for now he kep a Broom! + +"But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin: +in an evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a +warning to all young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on +them in a moral pint of vu! + +"You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican +Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo +(Provishnal) Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit +ninepence per share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of +palm-oil, or four healthy niggers, African currency)--the shares of +this helegeble investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy +man was Fred when, after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he +sold his shares for 250L. He gave a dinner at the 'Star and +Garter' that very day. I promise you there was no Marsally THERE. + +"Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose +to 5, he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he, +'when all this money was to be won!' + +"'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw, +K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear +fellow, the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your +solemn word of honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going +to tell you?' + +"'Honor bright,' says Fred. + +"'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but +went tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of +the streets. Claw WENT BY WATER. + +"'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting +into his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8. + + . . . . . . + +"Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which +says:-- + + "'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.' + +"And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging. + +"What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since. +His lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain +deplores his absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his +housekeeper; and the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a +paragraf yesterday in the fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High +Life.--The rich and beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland +Place, is to be speedily united to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.' + +"JEAMES." + + + +JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION. + + +"You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the +haltered linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble +mislny were once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly +so selabrated in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, +landlord of the 'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me; +that is my haypun which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the +checkers which hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am like the +Romin Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I, +who have drunk Shampang in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of +Small Bier. As for my wife--that Angel--I've not ventured to +depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in the Bar, smiling like a sunflower +and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing a deer little darlint +totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i's to a T! + + +* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. + + +"I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but +a Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with +all my sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, +ginteal inquirys as to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and +scorn artily. But as a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon +Brittn, my jewty compels me to come forwoods, and igspress my +opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the break of Gage. + +"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very +nearly had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when +the Lady Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres, +presented the gallant Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair. +Nothink would satasfy her Ladyship but that her old and attacht +famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this +hospicious occasion. Captain S---- was not jellus of me on account +of my former attachment to his Lady. I cunsented that my Mary Hann +should attend her, and me, my wife, and our dear babby acawdingly +set out for our noable frend's residence, Honeymoon Lodge, near +Cheltenham. + +"Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4, +but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon +Railroad travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out +by the Great Westn, in an eavle Hour. + +"We didnt take much luggitch--my wife's things in the ushal +bandboxes--mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's +(called so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a +small supply of a few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious +food, and Lady's fingers, for that dear child, who is now 6 months +old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE. Likewise we were charged with +a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary & Morris, +containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's cawdle, with +a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and owsehold: +about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's in +Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big +enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked 'Glass,' from her +ladyship's meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to +this an ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace +hangings, held up by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding +James Hangelo's rattle & my umbrellow, 73 packidges in all. + +"We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid +Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet +spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn +upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know--and here, to +our infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we +were in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23 +other light harticles. + +"Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my +hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; +but seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on +an Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--'James,' says Mary +Hann, 'instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young +neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the +other carridge.' I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 +articles in the opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby's +rattle; and jest as I came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of +a bell rings, the whizzling injians proclayms the time of our +departure,--& farewell soop and cottn velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. +She said it was my losing the umberella. If it had been a COTTON +VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James Hangelo sittn on +my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: & for 20 miles +that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the +passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly. + +"We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged +to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up +moughs, tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring +still like mad, and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of +our luggage from the broad gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' +says I, rot to desperation, 'I shall throttle this darling if he +goes on.' 'Do,' says she--'and GO INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says +she--a snatchin the babby out of my arms. Do go,' says she, youre +not fit to look after luggage,' and she began lulling James Hangelo +to sleep with one hi, while she looked after the packets with the +other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that packet!--pretty darling-- +easy with that box, Sir, its glass--pooooty poppet--where's the +deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried, reading out of a +list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep. The porters +were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more +ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball. + +"At last--bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the +Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white +bandbox, with a crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from +Crinoline's!' cries Mary Hann; and she puts down the child on the +bench, and rushes forward to inspect the dammidge. You could hear +the Chayny bowls clinking inside; and Lady B.'s mixture (which had +the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was dribbling out over the +smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak, trimmed with +Blown lace and lined with white satting. + +"As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I +thought I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little +soup; so I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, +and went off. There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon. + + . . . . . . + +"We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered +with a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not +speak for some minutes. At last she spoke out-- + +"'Have you all the small parcels?' + +"'Twenty-three in all,' says I. + +"'Then give me baby.' + +"'Give you what?' says I. + +"'Give me baby.' + +"'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I. + + . . . . . . + +"O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE +LEDGE AT GLOSTER. + +"It all came of the break of gage." + + + +MR. JEAMES AGAIN. + + +"DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my +privit ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis, +regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose +primmiture dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted +parents, I must begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of +your valuble collams once more, and hease the public mind about my +blessid boy. + +"Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush +was left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most +disgreeble of complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of +Mrs. Jeames might be said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, +as we rusht into that fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found +it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my lapp. + +"When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at +the train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the +luggitch, her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady +Hangelina's baby, the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one +immortial smash; the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, +as if it was huss, and not the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to +blame; and as if we ad no misfortns of our hown to deplaw. She +bust out about my stupid imparence; called Mary Hann a good for +nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on about her broken +Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear little +Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby' +(seshe); 'where's my bowl?--where's my medsan?--where's my +bewtiffle Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you +brute, you!' + +"'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite +riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at +Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it's not the fust time they've +been asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time +you send for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the "Plow"--they keep +it very good and strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a +going back to the cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid +child.' + +"'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not +going to Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss +it?' + +"'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint +by the Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames +and I lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad +back to Gloster. + +"I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in +the carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. +When we got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, +and rusht to the station, up to the fatle Bench. + +"'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's +my infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,--dear Mr. +Policeman, give it me--a thousand guineas for it.' + +"'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby +have I seen this day except thirteen of my own--and you're welcome +to any one of THEM, and kindly.' + +"'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said, +afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time-- +pawters & clarx and refreshmint people and all. 'What's this year +row about that there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping +hup. I thought my wife was going to jump into his harms. 'Have +you got him?' says she. + +"'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he. + +"'And blue eyse!' says my wife. + +"'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by +this time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a +letter-box,' says he: 'he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the +broad gauge line, and sent him on by it, in course,' says he. 'And +it'll be a caution to you, young woman, for the future, to label +your children along with the rest of your luggage.' + +"If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may +emadgine I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As +it was, we was obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train +(4 ears they seemed to us), and then away we went. + +"'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got +there. 'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man. 'No body claimed +him here, and so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here +gave him some supper, and he's at Paddington by this time. Yes,' +says he, looking at the clock, 'he's been there these ten minutes.' + +"But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this good- +naterd man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your +mind. We'll know in five minutes how he is.' + +"'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.' + +"'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.' + +"And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle +inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the +twinkling of a peg-post. + +"'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.' + +"Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.' + +"'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed. Back +comes the answer in a Jiffy-- + +"'C. R. Y. I. N. G.' + +"This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann, +who pull'd a very sad face. + +"The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;' +and what d'ye think was the answer? I'm blest if it wasn't-- + +"'P. A. P.' + +"He was eating pap! There's for you--there's a rogue for you-- +there's a March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust +time. 'He'll sleep now,' says she. And she sat down with a full +hart. + + . . . . . . + +"If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE +need never ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I +promise you--where me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and +where only yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in +our bar. + + +* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. + + +"And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most +precious luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this +year way, why it won't be for want of warning, both from Professor +Harris, the Commission, and from + +"My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant, + +"JEAMES PLUSH." + + + + +THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. + + +CHAPTER I. + +"TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION." + + +I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public +I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, +as I leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as +follows:-- + + + MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S., + + Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse, + + AHMEDNUGGAR. + + +Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid +any of those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so +frequent of late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding +this humble title of mine, and the confusion thereby created. When +I published my volume of poems, for instance, the Morning Post +newspaper remarked "that the Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, +may be ranked among the sweetest flowrets of the present spring +season." The Quarterly Review, commenting upon my Observations on +the Pons Asinorum" (4to. London, 1836), called me "Doctor Gahagan," +and so on. It was time to put an end to these mistakes, and I have +taken the above simple remedy. + +I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August +last at the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss +of Orl--ns (who, though she does not speak English, understands +it as well as I do,) said to me in the softest Teutonic, "Lieber +Herr Major, haben sie den Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion +gelassen?" "Warum denn?" said I, quite astonished at her R---l +H-----ss's question. The P---cess then spoke of some trifle from +my pen, which was simply signed Goliah Gahagan. + +There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question. + +"Comment donc?" said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count +Mole; "le cher Major a quitte l'armee! Nicolas donc sera maitre de +l'Inde! "H. M---- and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation +in a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state +of confusion. I blushed and stuttered, and murmured out a few +incoherent words to explain--but it would not do--I could not +recover my equanimity during the course of the dinner and while +endeavoring to help an English Duke, my neighbor, to poulet a +l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms and three large greasy +croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill. Another laugh at my +expense. "Ah! M. le Major," said the Q---- of the B-lg--ns, archly, +"vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel." Her M----y's joke +will be better understood when I state that his Grace is the +brother of a Minister. + +I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by +mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little +anecdote. I only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, +and live at least in DECENT society. Verbum sat. + +But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah +in full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who +was also a Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a +duel, as the public most likely knows. Poor Greg! a very trivial +dispute was the cause of our quarrel, which never would have +originated but for the similarity of our names. The circumstance +was this: I had been lucky enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow +some trifling service (in the notorious affair of Choprasjee +Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a gold toothpick-case directed +to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course thought was for me: my +brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the consequence was, that +in about three minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut +6), which effectually did his business:--he was a good swordsman +enough--I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous part +of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all--he +had left it on the Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what +madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble; he had +much better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined +to have it. From this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader +will perceive that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; +and, in fact, I may say that I have led a more remarkable life than +any man in the service--I have been at more pitched battles, led +more forlorn hopes, had more success among the fair sex, drunk +harder, read more, and been a handsomer man than any officer now +serving her Majesty. + +When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of +seventeen, with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic +at all kinds of exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody +else who would trust me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full +pay of 120L. a year. I need not say that with all these advantages +I did that which a number of clever fellows have done before me--I +fell in love, and proposed to marry immediately. + +But how to overcome the difficulty?--It is true that I loved Julia +Jowler--loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a +Member of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. +It was, however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of +the "Samuel Snob" East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely +creature, and my misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with +her. We were not out of the Channel before I adored her, +worshipped the deck which she trod upon, kissed a thousand times +the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. The same madness fell on +every man in the ship. The two mates fought about her at the Cape; +the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from disappointed affection, +took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten spontaneous +combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven +daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs. +L., and made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me, +with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs. +Duffy, although he had had nineteen children by her. + +We used to call her the witch--there was magic in her beauty and in +her voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark +staring mad when she looked at me! O lustrous black eyes!--O +glossy night-black ringlets!--O lips!--O dainty frocks of white +muslin!--O tiny kid slippers!--though old and gouty, Gahagan sees +you still! I recollect, off Ascension, she looked at me in her +particular way one day at dinner, just as I happened to be blowing +on a piece of scalding hot green fat. I was stupefied at once--I +thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound) into my mouth. I +made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but left it there +for many minutes, burning, burning! I had no skin to my palate for +seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest of the +voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia +Jowler over me. + +The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of +storms, shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so +forth, that (although I have experienced each of these in many +varieties) I think it quite unnecessary to recount such trifling +adventures; suffice it to say, that during our five months' trajet, +my mad passion for Julia daily increased; so did the captain's and +the surgeon's; so did Colonel Lilywhite's; so did the doctor's, the +mate's--that of most part of the passengers, and a considerable +number of the crew. For myself, I swore--ensign as I was--I would +win her for my wife; I vowed that I would make her glorious with my +sword--that as soon as I had made a favorable impression on my +commanding officer (which I did not doubt to create), I would lay +open to him the state of my affections, and demand his daughter's +hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage continue +and conclude. + +We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December, +1802, and then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was +carried off to her papa's arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at +least forty hookahbadars; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by +two dandies and a solitary beasty (by which unnatural name these +blackamoors are called), made his way humbly to join the regiment +at head-quarters. + +The --th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of +Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and +Europe by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles--so great +was its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in +that delightful district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next +in command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta +through the body, was second Major. We were on the eve of that +remarkable war which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of +India, to call forth the valor of a Wellesley, and the indomitable +gallantry of a Gahagan; which was illustrated by our victories at +Ahmednuggar (where I was the first over the barricade at the +storming of the Pettah); at Argaum, where I slew with my own sword +twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in two; and by that +terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would have been beaten but +for me--me alone: I headed nineteen charges of cavalry, took (aided +by only four men of my own troop) seventeen field-pieces, killing +the scoundrelly French artillerymen; on that day I had eleven +elephants shot under me, and carried away Scindiah's nose-ring with +a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a Duke and a Marshal, I but a simple +Major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war! But my feelings +carry me away from my narrative, which had better proceed with more +order. + +On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first +time put on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue +swallow-tailed jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented +with about 3,000 sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-colored leather +inexpressibles (tights), and red morocco boots with silver spurs +and tassels, set off to admiration the handsome persons of the +officers of our corps. We wore powder in those days; and a +regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded +by leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather, gave +the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more +easily imagined than described. + +Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself +before Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely +similar, but not being more than five feet in height, and weighing +at least fifteen stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite +so much as slimmer and taller men. Flanked by his tall Majors, +Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like a stumpy skittle-ball between two +attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel received me with +vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime favorite with +himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was the most +hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love together, +I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet +presence of Julia. + +I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those +early days, that this Miss Jowler--on whom I had lavished my first +and warmest love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and +purity--was no better than a little impudent flirt, who played with +my feelings, because during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no +other toy to play with; and who deserted others for me, and me for +others, just as her whim or her interest might guide her. She had +not been three weeks at head-quarters when half the regiment was in +love with her. Each and all of the candidates had some favor to +boast of, or some encouraging hopes on which to build. It was the +scene of the "Samuel Snob" over again, only heightened in interest +by a number of duels. The following list will give the reader a +notion of some of them:-- + + +1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. +Hicks received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity +of carroty whisker forced down his throat with the ball. + +2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan. I was run +through the body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and +injured me very slightly. + +3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S., +Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo +grounds, Ramgolly branch. + + +Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's-play, and he might have +come off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the +civilian placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his +stomach. A remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account +of which I sent home to the "Philosophical Transactions:" the +surgeon had extracted the ball, and was going off, thinking that +all was well, when the gold repeater struck thirteen in poor +Macgillicuddy's abdomen. I suppose that the works must have been +disarranged in some way by the bullet, for the repeater was one of +Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the circumstance +occurred at SEVEN o'clock.* + + +* So admirable are the performances of these watches, which will +stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor Macgillicuddy +relate the following fact. The hours, as it is known, count in +Italy from one to twenty-four: the day Mac landed at Naples his +repeater rung the Italian hours, from one to twenty-four; as soon +as he crossed the Alps it only sounded as usual.--G. O'G. G. + + +I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which +this Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should +think, satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of +blood, heaven knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few +weeks, and for the sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels +myself, and I know that four times as many more took place +concerning her. + +I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had +been born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had +married from the house of her mother, a native. There were some +singular rumors abroad regarding this latter lady's history: it was +reported that she was the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been +carried off by a poor English subaltern in Lord Clive's time. The +young man was killed very soon after, and left his child with its +mother. The black Prince forgave his daughter and bequeathed to +her a handsome sum of money. I suppose that it was on this account +that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who had not, I do believe, +a Christian name, or a single Christian quality: she was a hideous, +bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, and red eyes: +she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy--she hated and was hated by +all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any +other. She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent +most of her time with her native friends. I wonder how she could +have given birth to so lovely a creature as her daughter. This +woman was of course with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the +spice of the devil in her daughter's composition was most carefully +nourished and fed by her. If Julia had been a flirt before, she +was a downright jilt now; she set the whole cantonment by the ears; +she made wives jealous and husbands miserable; she caused all those +duels of which I have discoursed already, and yet such was the +fascination of THE WITCH that I still thought her an angel. I made +court to the nasty mother in order to be near the daughter; and I +listened untiringly to Jowler's interminable dull stories, because +I was occupied all the time in watching the graceful movements of +Miss Julia. + +But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the +battle-field Gahagan is a man! The Bundelcund Invincibles received +orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and +prepared to part from his Andromache. And now arose his +perplexity: what must be done with his daughter, his Julia? He +knew his wife's peculiarities of living, and did not much care to +trust his daughter to her keeping; but in vain he tried to find her +an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment. Lady Gutch +offered to receive her, but would have nothing to do with Mrs. +Jowler; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have neither mother +nor daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her mother must +have a house together, and Jowler knew that his wife would fill it +with her odious blackamoor friends. + +I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I +learned from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see +her alone, and wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer +does about a public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings +of the family, and longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, +unbiassed by her mother or her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my +eloquence, and melt at the tale of my love. + +But it would not do--old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a +sudden to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him +out of doors, and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin +gave the first idea of our regimental breeches), who before had +been gadding ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose into +every menage in the cantonment, stopped faithfully at home with her +spouse. My only chance was to beard the old couple in their den, +and ask them at once for their cub. + +So I called one day at tiffin:--old Jowler was always happy to have +my company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink +Hodgson's pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the +first year I was in Bengal)--and it was no small piece of fun, +certainly, to see old Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;--she was +exactly the color of it, as I have had already the honor to remark, +and she swallowed the mixture with a gusto which was never +equalled, except by my poor friend Dando apropos d'huitres. She +consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon, like a +Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would throw +away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards her, go +to work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with her +fingers, and stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a +sepoy company. But why do I diverge from the main point of my +story? + +Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl +was in the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. "How do +you do, Mr. Gagin?" said the old hag, leeringly. "Eat a bit o' +currie-bhaut,"--and she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap +as it passed. "What! Gagy my boy, how do, how do?" said the fat +Colonel. "What! run through the body?--got well again--have some +Hodgson--run through your body too!"--and at this, I may say, +coarse joke (alluding to the fact that in these hot climates the +ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the skin) old Jowler +laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices, consomahs, +and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, unasked, with the +grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused nervously +for a moment, and then said-- + +"Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga." + +The black ruffians took the hint and retired. + +"Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are alone; and you, +Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is--I mean--I take this +opportunity to--(another glass of ale, if you please)--to express, +once for all, before departing on a dangerous campaign"--(Julia +turned pale)--"before entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch +in the dust my high-raised hopes and me, to express my hopes while +life still remains to me, and to declare in the face of heaven, +earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia!" The Colonel, +astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck quivering for some +minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded not the paltry +interruption. "Yes, by yon bright heaven," continued I, "I love +you, Julia! I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and +beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a +return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such +deeds in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of +your Gahagan." + +The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, +snapped, and ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was +now red, now white; the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork +out of the calf of my leg, wiped it, and then seized a bundle of +letters which I had remarked by his side. + +"A cornet!" said he, in a voice choking with emotion; "a pitiful, +beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler! Gag, +Gahagan, are you mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, +young man--at these letters, I say--one hundred and twenty-four +epistles from every part of India (not including one from the +Governor-General, and six from his brother, Colonel Wellesley,)-- +one hundred and twenty-four proposals for the hand of Miss Jowler! +Cornet Gahagan," he continued, "I wish to think well of you: you +are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the handsomest man +in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee. You ask me for +Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!"--(Here the old rogue +grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).--"No, no," said he, +waxing good-natured; "Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense! Julia, love, +retire with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and +smoke a pipe with me." + +I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life. + + . . . . . . + +I am not going to give here an account of my military services; +they will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty +volumes, which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my +regiment in all Wellesley's brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk, +I travelled across the country north-eastward, and had the honor of +fighting by the side of Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, +Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore: but I will not boast of my actions--the +military man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN appreciates them. If asked +who was the bravest man of the Indian army, there is not an officer +belonging to it who would not cry at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I +was desperate: I cared not for life, deprived of Julia Jowler. + +With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern +refusal in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, +again to seek her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen +months on service, marching and countermarching, and fighting +almost every other day: to the world I did not seem altered; but +the world only saw the face, and not the seared and blighted heart +within me. My valor, always desperate, now reached to a pitch of +cruelty; I tortured my grooms and grass-cutters for the most +trifling offence or error,--I never in action spared a man,--I +sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of that +single campaign. + +Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor +old Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he +received a parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife had +retired with her daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh +upon his spirits, that he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be +flogged within two days; but it was against the blacks that he +chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows, in the heat and hurry of +the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather roughly with +their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they used to pull +their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, to flog +them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on. +Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which before had always +justly exasperated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used +now to smile fiercely and say, "D--- the black scoundrels! Serve +them right, serve them right!" + +One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had +been on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning +peaceably to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on +us from a neighboring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in +an instant three of my men's saddles were empty, and I was left +with but seven more to make head against at least thirty of these +vagabond black horsemen. I never saw in my life a nobler figure +than the leader of the troop--mounted on a splendid black Arab: he +was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he wore a steel cap and a +shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful French carbine, which had +already done execution upon two of my men. I saw that our only +chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man. I shouted to +him in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of course), +"Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man!" + +In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and +mortally transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. +Grinding my teeth and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which +never yet failed its blow,* and rushed at the Indian. He came down +at full gallop, his own sword making ten thousand gleaming circles +in the air, shrieking his cry of battle. + + +* In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go out with +small-swords--miserable weapons only fit for tailors.--G. O'G. G. + + +The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut off +his sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head. I +said that he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six +inches, and a hood of chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and +delivered "ST. GEORGE;" my sword caught the spike exactly on the +point, split it sheer in two, cut crashing through the steel cap +and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby which he wore in his back- +plate. His head, cut clean in two between the eyebrows and +nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side on each +shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my men, +who were not a little amused at the feat. + +As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their +leader's fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we +made a single prisoner, who was instantly carried before old +Jowler. + +We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said +it was Chowder Loll. + +"Chowder Loll!" shrieked Colonel Jowler. "O fate! thy hand is +here!" He rushed wildly into his tent--the next day applied for +leave of absence. Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I +saw him no more for some time. + + . . . . . . + +As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General +Lake sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley +received me with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on +going to a ball at Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler; +my trembling, blushing, thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his +side! + +Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my +former passages with his daughter. "Gagy my boy," says he, shaking +hands, glad to see you. Old friend, Julia--come to tiffin-- +Hodgson's pale--brave fellow Gagy." Julia did not speak, but she +turned ashy pale, and fixed upon me her awful eyes! I fainted +almost, and uttered some incoherent words. Julia took my hand, +gazed at me still, and said, "Come!" Need I say I went? + +I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I +know, that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had +been: and that in three weeks I--yes, I--was the accepted lover of +Julia! I did not pause to ask where were the one hundred and +twenty-four offers? why I, refused before, should be accepted now? +I only felt that I loved her, and was happy! + + . . . . . . + +One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a +lover's pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of +palaces until I came to the house which contained my Julia. I +peeped into the compound--all was still; I looked into the veranda-- +all was dark, except a light--yes, one light--and it was in +Julia's chamber! My heart throbbed almost to stilling. I would--I +WOULD advance, if but to gaze upon her for a moment, and to bless +her as she slept. I DID look, I DID advance; and, O heaven! I saw +a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress, with a very dark baby in +her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an ayah, who was nursing +another. + +"Oh, mamma," said Julia, "what would that fool Gahagan say if he +knew all?" + +"HE DOES KNOW ALL!" shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down +the tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the +room, Julia fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their +d----d nurse fell on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of +Hindustanee. Old Jowler at this juncture entered with a candle and +a drawn sword. + +"Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!" shouted I. "Turn, ruffian, and defend +yourself!" But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked +at his lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room. + +Why continue the tale? I need not now account for Jowler's gloom +on receiving his letters from Benares--for his exclamation upon the +death of the Indian chief--for his desire to marry his daughter: +the woman I was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was +Mrs. Chowder Loll! + + +CHAPTER II. + +ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE. + + +I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of +some of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have +endeavored to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the +statements that I make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or +good feeling, to steal from me that which is my sole wealth--my +character as a teller of THE TRUTH. + +The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures +of a profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists, +none (luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity +of my statements: they know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON. +If I can use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible +weapon, and would answer their contradictions with my sword! No +gold or gems adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but there is +blood upon the blade--the blood of the enemies of my country, and +the maligners of my honest fame. There are others, however--the +disgrace of a disgraceful trade--who, borrowing from distance a +despicable courage, have ventured to assail me. The infamous +editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay Beacon, the Tipperary +Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other dastardly organs of +the provincial press, have, although differing in politics, agreed +upon this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity, vented a +flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me. + +They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully +perverted history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, +was any one of these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any +single conductor of any one of these paltry prints ever in +Bundelcund or the Rohilla country? Does this EXQUISITE Tipperary +scribe know the difference between Hurrygurrybang and Burrumtollah? +Not he! and because, forsooth, in those strange and distant lands +strange circumstances have taken place, it is insinuated that the +relater is a liar: nay, that the very places themselves have no +existence but in my imagination. Fools!--but I will not waste my +anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions of my +personal history. + +It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will +not venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign +against Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on +the Jumna, where he exercised that brilliant little army which was +speedily to perform such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well +to give a slight account of the causes of a war which was speedily +to rage through some of the fairest portions of the Indian +continent. + +Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female +line of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had +wellnigh hurled Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of +Bagdad)--Shah Allum, I say, although nominally the Emperor of +Delhi, was in reality the slave of the various warlike chieftains +who lorded it by turns over the country and the sovereign, until +conquered and slain by some more successful rebel. Chowder Loll +Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scindiah, and the celebrated +Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a time complete mastery in +Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan soldier, had +abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it until he +had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes +of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came +to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed +his oppressor, only increased his slavery; holding him in as +painful a bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous Afghan. + +As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long +rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, +the British Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the +ears, by no means interfered in the contest. But the French +Revolution broke out, and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared +among the various Indian States, seeking for military service, and +inflaming the minds of the various native princes against the +British East India Company. A number of these entered into +Scindiah's ranks: one of them, Perron, was commander of his army; +and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in his hereditary +quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of an invasion +of the British territory, the Company all of a sudden discovered +that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and +determined to re-establish the ancient splendor of his throne. + +Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that +prompted our governors to take these kindly measures in his favor. +I don't know how it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor +Shah was not a whit better off than at the beginning; and that +though Holkar was beaten, and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was +much such a puppet as before. Somehow, in the hurry and confusion +of this struggle, the oyster remained with the British Government, +who had so kindly offered to dress it for the Emperor, while his +Majesty was obliged to be contented with the shell. + +The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of +the Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of +cavalry and twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by +General Lake in person. + +Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur; +on the fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name was +mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the Commander-in- +Chief's words regarding me--they will spare me the trouble of +composing my own eulogium:-- + +"The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high +sense of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the ---- cavalry. +In the storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single +ladder, and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan +succeeded in escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. +Fourteen ditches lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de- +frise, fourteen walls bristling with innumerable artillery and as +smooth as looking-glasses, were in turn triumphantly passed by that +enterprising officer. His course was to be traced by the heaps of +slaughtered enemies lying thick upon the platforms; and alas! by +the corpses of most of the gallant men who followed him!--when at +length he effected his lodgment, and the dastardly enemy, who dared +not to confront him with arms, let loose upon him the tigers and +lions of Scindiah's menagerie. This meritorious officer destroyed, +with his own hand, four of the largest and most ferocious animals, +and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOR, +shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty +Goss, havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine +hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honor to them! honor and +tears for the brave men who perished on that awful day!" + + . . . . . . + +I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of +September 24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to +the statement, may refer to the paper itself. + +And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so +marvellously preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. +Were I to say that any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through +this tremendous combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn. No: +though my narrative is extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; +and never, never would I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of +effect. The fact is this:--the citadel of Allyghur is situated +upon a rock, about a thousand feet above the level of the sea, and +is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his Excellency was good enough +to remark in his despatch. A man who would mount these without +scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he mounted them +without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We HAD scaling- +ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was quite +impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. +Mounted on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about +me, I saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other +help could be found for our brave fellows to escalade the next +wall. It was about seventy feet high. I instantly turned the guns +of wall A on wall B, and peppered the latter so as to make, not a +breach, but a scaling place; the men mounting in the holes made by +the shot. By this simple stratagem, I managed to pass each +successive barrier--for to ascend a wall which the General was +pleased to call "as smooth as glass" is an absurd impossibility: I +seek to achieve none such:-- + + + "I dare do all that may become a man, + Who dares do more, is neither more nor less." + + +Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one +of us would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it +was owing to fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many +pieces of artillery, arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our +work was not quite so difficult as might be imagined--killing these +fellows was sheer butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all +turned and fled helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their +courage by the fact that out of about seven hundred men killed by +us, only forty had wounds in front, the rest being bayoneted as +they ran. + +And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting +out of these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, +the second commandant of the fort. I had observed this man +(conspicuous for a tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one +of the walls as we stormed them, and running away the very first +among the fugitives. He had all the keys of the gates; and in his +tremor, as he opened the menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in +the door, which I seized when the animals were overcome. Runty +Goss then opened them one by one, our troops entered, and the +victorious standard of my country floated on the walls of Allyghur! + +When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line +of fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead +rhinoceros on which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. +But the excitement which had borne me through the fatigues and +perils of that fearful day failed all of a sudden, and I wept like +a child upon his shoulder. + +Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in +the power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds +him in the capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit +was, therefore, not very rich. His Excellency had a favorite horn +snuff-box (for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits +most simple): of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high- +dried Welsh, which he always took, he made me a present, saying, in +front of the line, "Accept this, Mr. Gahagan, as a token of respect +from the first to the bravest officer in the army." + +Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that +fourpence was about the value of this gift: but it has at least +this good effect--it serves to convince any person who doubts my +story, that the facts of it are really true. I have left it at the +office of my publisher, along with the extract from the Bengal +Hurkaru, and anybody may examine both by applying in the counting- +house of Mr. Cunningham.* That once popular expression, or +proverb, "are you up to snuff?" arose out of the above circumstance; +for the officers of my corps, none of whom, except myself, had +ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me about this modest +reward for my labors. Never mind! when they want me to storm a fort +AGAIN, I shall know better. + + +* The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at Mr. +Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a newspaper, +and does not QUITE prove that he killed a rhinoceros and stormed +fourteen intrenchments at the siege of Allyghur. + + +Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, +Perron, who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in +to us, with his family and treasure, and was passed over to the +French settlements at Chandernagur. Bourquien took his command, +and against him we now moved. The morning of the 11th of September +found us upon the plains of Delhi. + +It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves +after the morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet +along with O'Gawler of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the +enemy's neighborhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler and I +were seated under a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had +formed to shelter us from the intolerable heat of the sun, and were +discussing with great delight a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone +jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak, refreshing sangaree. We had +been playing cards the night before, and O'Gawler had lost to me +seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of the sangaree into the +two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking, and holding mine +up, said, "Here's better luck to you next time, O'Gawler!" + +As I spoke the words--whish!--a cannon-ball cut the tumbler clean +out of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach. It +settled him completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred +rupees. Such are the uncertainties of war! + +To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements--to mount my Arab +charger--to drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree--and +to gallop to the General, was the work of a moment. I found him as +comfortably at tiffin as if he were at his own house in London. + +"General," said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent), +"you must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy." + +"The enemy--psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of +the river." + +"I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly +carry five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot +dead at my side with a cannon-ball." + +"Ha! is it so?" said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the +drumstick of a grilled chicken. "Gentlemen, remember that the eyes +of Europe are upon us, and follow me!" + +Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat; +each British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. +We mounted our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old +General; I not the last in the train, upon my famous black charger. + +It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three +miles of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we +galloped, we were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of +his imposing line. Nothing can better describe it than this:-- + + _________________________________ + /................................. A + /. + /. + /. + /. + + +--A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty +pieces of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, +intrenched; and a wide morass in his front gave him an additional +security. + +His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said, +turning round to one of his aides-de-camp, "Order up Major-General +Tinkler and the cavalry." + +"HERE, does your Excellency mean?" said the aide-de-camp, surprised, +for the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying +about as thick as peas. + +"HERE, sir!" said the old General, stamping with his foot in a +passion, and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. +In five minutes we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty +more the greater part of the cavalry had joined us. + +Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the +air, their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden +sunlight. "And now we are here," said Major-General Sir Theophilus +Tinkler, "what next?" "Oh, d--- it," said the Commander-in-Chief, +"charge, charge--nothing like charging--galloping--guns--rascally +black scoundrels--charge, charge!" And then turning round to me +(perhaps he was glad to change the conversation), he said, +"Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me." + +And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the +battle WAS GAINED BY ME. I do not mean to insult the reader by +pretending that any personal exertions of mine turned the day,-- +that I killed, for instance, a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a +battery of guns,--such absurd tales would disgrace both the hearer +and the teller. I, as is well known, never say a single word which +cannot be proved, and hate more than all other vices the absurd sin +of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to the General, at a +quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day, won this +great triumph for the British army. + +Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though +somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General +Lake, for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. +Laswaree! and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I +can lay my hand upon my heart and say that I was. If any proof is +wanting of the fact, let me give it at once, and from the highest +military testimony in the world--I mean that of the Emperor +Napoleon. + +In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the "Prince +Regent," Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage +from Calcutta to England. In company with the other officers on +board the ship, I paid my respects to the illustrious exile of +Longwood, who received us in his garden, where he was walking +about, in a nankeen dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with +General Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a +little boy; who I dare say does not recollect me, but who +nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels of my +Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his Imperial +Majesty. + +Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by +General Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a +bow to the owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last +Montholon came to mine. The Emperor looked me at once in the face, +took his hands out of his pockets, put them behind his back, and +coming up to me smiling, pronounced the following words:-- + +"Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?" + +I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said--"Sire, c'est +moi." + +"Parbleu! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, holding out his +snuff-box. "En usez-vous, Major?" I took a large pinch (which, +with the honor of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears +into my eyes), and he continued as nearly as possible in the +following words:-- + +"Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third +brother, the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my +Irish brigade." + +Gahagan.--"Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your +Majesty's service stood under the green flag in the breach of +Burgos, and beat Wellington back. It was the only time, as your +Majesty knows, that Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that +war." + +Napoleon (looking as if he would say, "D--- your candor, Major +Gahagan").--"Well, well; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and +died a General in my service." + +Gahagan.--"He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty +Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan +mark." + +Napoleon (to Montholon).--"C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma +parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que c'est vrai. Ils ne sont pas +d'autres, ces terribles Ga'gans. You must know that Monsieur +gained the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. +In this way:--Ce belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, +and placing them in front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la +plaine, was for charging the enemy's batteries with his horse, who +would have been ecrases, mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the +cunning of ce grand rogue que vous voyez." + +Montholon.--"Coquin de Major, va!" + +Napoleon.--"Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great +bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which +he had brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would +infallibly have done so--and the loss of his army would have been +the ruin of the East India Company--and the ruin of the English +East India Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a +republic then!) in the East--but that the man before us, Lieutenant +Goliah Gahagan, was riding at the side of General Lake." + +Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).--"Gredin! cent +mille tonnerres de Dieu!" + +Napoleon (benignantly).--"Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will +you? It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, +or rather slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the +enemy), advised a retreat." + +Montholon. "Le lache! Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule +jamais." + +Napoleon.--"STUPIDE! Don't you see WHY the retreat was ordered?-- +don't you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw +Holkar from his impregnable intrenchments? Don't you know that the +ignorant Indian fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the +cover of his guns, came down with his cavalry on the plains in +pursuit of Lake and his dragoons? Then it was that the Englishmen +turned upon him; the hardy children of the north swept down his +feeble horsemen, bore them back to their guns, which were useless, +entered Holkar's intrenchments along with his troops, sabred the +artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of Delhi!" + +As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed +fire, his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the +enemy from beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his +regiments to the charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I +have had many a proud moment in my life, but never such a proud one +as this; and I would readily pardon the word "coward," as applied +to me by Montholon, in consideration of the testimony which his +master bore in my favor. + +"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why had I not such +a man as you in my service? I would have made you a Prince and a +Marshal!" and here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and +respected the purport. He was thinking, doubtless, that I might +have retrieved his fortunes; and indeed I have very little doubt +that I might. + +Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, +Napoleon's valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, +and talking upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, +leaving me deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in +this remarkable interview. + + +CHAPTER III. + +A PEEP INTO SPAIN--ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE +AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS. + + +HEAD QUARTERS, MORELLA, Sept. 16, 1838. + +I have been here for some months, along with my young friend +Cabrera: and in the hurry and bustle of war--daily on guard and in +the batteries for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with +fourteen severe wounds and seven musket-balls in my body--it may be +imagined that I have had little time to think about the publication +of my memoirs. Inter arma silent leges--in the midst of fighting +be hanged to writing! as the poet says; and I never would have +bothered myself with a pen, had not common gratitude incited me to +throw off a few pages. + +Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this +place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor +Emmett Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of +Gray's Inn, and what be called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. +Mr. Sheeny was with the Queen's people, not in a military capacity, +but as representative of an English journal; to which, for a +trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit of transmitting +accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and his own opinion +of the politics of Spain. Receiving, for the discharge of his +duty, a couple of guineas a week from the proprietors of the +journal in question, he was enabled, as I need scarcely say, to +make such a show in Oraa's camp as only a Christino general +officer, or at the very least a colonel of a regiment, can afford +to keep up. + +In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of +course among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a +good deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as +useless to describe here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, +which had been made the head-quarters of several Queenite officers +during the siege. The pesatero or landlord of the inn had been +despatched by my brave chapel-churies, with his fine family of +children--the officers quartered in the podesta had of course +bolted; but one man remained, and my fellows were on the point of +cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios, when I +arrived in the room time enough to prevent the catastrophe. Seeing +before me an individual in the costume of a civilian--a white hat, +a light blue satin cravat, embroidered with butterflies and other +quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue +plaid trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and interposed +to save his life. + +In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he +could to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of +slaughtering him; but it is very little likely that his +protestations would have had any effect upon them, had not I +appeared in the room, and shouted to the ruffians to hold their +hand. + +Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that +rank in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six +feet four in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a +sword so called, because it is five feet long) which is so well +known among the Spanish armies--seeing, I say, this figure, the +fellows retired, exclaiming, "Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros," and +so on, clearly proving (by their words) that they would, if they +dared, have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued from their +fury. "Villains!" shouted I, hearing them grumble, "away! quit the +apartment!" Each man, sulkily sheathing his sombrero, obeyed, and +quitted the camarilla. + +It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which +I have briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he +had a family in England who would feel obliged to me for his +release, and that his most intimate friend the English ambassador +would move heaven and earth to revenge his fall, he directed my +attention to a portmanteau passably well filled, which he hoped +would satisfy the cupidity of my troops. I said, though with much +regret, that I must subject his person to a search; and hence arose +the circumstance which has called for what I fear you will consider +a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon Mr. Sheeny's person +three sovereigns in English money (which I have to this day), and +singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine, containing a +portion of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should let +the poor young man be shot or no, but this little circumstance +saved his life. The gratified vanity of authorship induced me to +accept his portmanteau and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch +to go free. I put the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and +the podesta. + +The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full +time for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after +committing dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat +upon the fort, hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I +am pretty well known and respected by the men of both parties in +Spain (indeed I served for some months on the Queen's side before I +came over to Don Carlos); and, as it is my maxim never to give +quarter, I never expect to receive it when taken myself. On +issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau and my sword in +my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our own men in +a pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about four +hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while on +my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite +lancers were clattering along the road. + +I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this +discovery, so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz! +came a bullet by my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. +I looked round--there were seventy of the accursed malvados at the +least, and within, as I said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that +I stopped to fight seventy men, you would write me down a fool or a +liar: no, sir, I did not fight, I ran away. + +I am six feet four--my figure is as well known in the Spanish army +as that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera +himself. "GAHAGAN!" shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices, +and fifty more shots came rattling after me. I was running-- +running as the brave stag before the hounds--running as I have done +a great number of times before in my life, when there was no help +for it but a race. + +After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained +nearly three upon our column in front, and that likewise the +Christino horsemen were left behind some hundred yards more; with +the exception of three, who were fearfully near me. The first was +an officer without a lance; he had fired both his pistols at me, +and was twenty yards in advance of his comrades; there was a +similar distance between the two lancers who rode behind him. I +determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came up delivered cut +3 at his horse's near leg--off it flew, and down, as I expected, +went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through my +prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that +fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the +plan which I hoped was to effect my rescue. + +I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and, +unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained--some +shirts, a bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c.,-- +I had carried it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled +to sacrifice it malgre moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my +sword from my right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, +with aim so true, that he fell back on his saddle like a sack, and +thus when the horse galloped up to me, I had no difficulty in +dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle struck him over his right +eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash him from the saddle +and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment; indeed, the +two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the time which +it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the +rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's +horse, I had committed a very absurd oversight--I was scampering +away WITHOUT MY SWORD! What was I to do?--to scamper on, to be +sure, and trust to the legs of my horse for safety! + +The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear +his horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey-fashion +in my saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but +all in vain. Closer--closer--the point of his lance was within two +feet of my back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my +agony when I felt it enter--through exactly fifty-nine pages of the +New Monthly Magazine. Had it not been for that Magazine, I should +have been impaled without a shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in +feeling gratitude? Had I not cause to continue my contributions to +that periodical? + +When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying +party, I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous +result of the lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must +tell you that a ball came whiz over my head from our fellows, and +entering at his nose, put a stop to HIS lancing for the future). I +hastened to Cabrera's quarter, and related to him some of my +adventures during the day. + +"But, General," said he, "you are standing. I beg you chiudete +l'uscio (take a chair)." + +I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some +foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my +sitting at ease. I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and +there, to my wonder, DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like +a fish-hook, or a pastoral crook. + +"Ha! ha! ha!" said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag). + +"Valdepenas madrilenos," growled out Tristany. + +"By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman)," +shrieked out Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, "I will send it +to the Bishop of Leon for a crozier." + +"Gahagan has CONSECRATED it," giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so +they went on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But, when +they heard that the means of my salvation from the lance of the +scoundrelly Christino had been the Magazine containing my own +history, their laugh was changed into wonder. I read them +(speaking Spanish more fluently than English) every word of my +story. "But how is this?" said Cabrera. "You surely have other +adventures to relate?" + +"Excellent Sir," said I, "I have;" and that very evening, as we sat +over our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in +nearly the following words:-- + +"I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, +as everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. +But who gained the battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of +Delhi and Laswaree, while Major Gaha--nonsense, never mind HIM, +never mind the charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped +the six-foot wall in the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the +heads of the gleaming pikes; when, with one hand seizing the sacred +peishcush, or fish--which was the banner always borne before +Scindiah,--he, with his good sword, cut off the trunk of the famous +white elephant, which, shrieking with agony, plunged madly into the +Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren, tossing, like chaff +before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He, meanwhile, now +plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now cleaving +to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on, like +the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand, +a hundred and forty-thr--but never mind--'ALONE HE DID IT;' +sufficient be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he +cares not for the empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate +men! + + +* The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic reader may +recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his Commentary on the Flight +of Darius), is so called by the Mahrattas. + + +"We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah +Allum received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on +our General. As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah +did not fail to remark my person,* and was told my name. + + +* There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part. Shah +Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have seen Gahagan? +The thing is manifestly impossible. + + +"Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so +delighted with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose +trunk I use to this day), that he said, 'Let him be called +GUJPUTI,' or the lord of elephants; and Gujputi was the name by +which I was afterwards familiarly known among the natives,--the +men, that is. The women had a softer appellation for me, and +called me 'Mushook,' or charmer. + +"Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to +the reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from +Delhi; nor the terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish +the war. Suffice it to say that we were victorious, and that I was +wounded; as I have invariably been in the two hundred and four +occasions when I have found myself in action. One point, however, +became in the course of this campaign QUITE evident--THAT SOMETHING +MUST BE DONE FOR GAHAGAN. The country cried shame, the King's +troops grumbled, the sepoys openly murmured that their Gujputi was +only a lieutenant, when he had performed such signal services. +What was to be done? Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary. +'Gahagan,' wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently not your fate-- +YOU WERE BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley are good +officers, they cannot be turned out--I must make a post for you. +What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?' + +"It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had +its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long +be remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns. + + . . . . . . + +"As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the +uniform of the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were +not wanting as soon as my appointment was made known, but came +flocking to my standard a great deal faster than to the regular +corps in the Company's service. I had European officers, of +course, to command them, and a few of my countrymen as sergeants; +the rest were all natives, whom I chose of the strongest and +bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and +Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most warlike +districts of our Indian territory. + +"When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble +appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance, +gave a carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid +costume that ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have +stated already, six feet four inches in height, and of matchless +symmetry and proportion. My hair and beard are of the most +brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely to be distinguished at a +distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue, overshadowed by +bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific gash of the +deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid, and the +cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly +military appearance than can be conceived. When I have been +drinking (as is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby +bright, and as I have another which took off a piece of my under- +lip, and shows five of my front teeth, I leave you to imagine that +'seldom lighted on the earth' (as the monster Burke remarked of one +of his unhappy victims), 'a more extraordinary vision.' I improved +these natural advantages; and, while in cantonment during the hot +winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to grow very long, as did +my beard, which reached to my waist. It took me two hours daily to +curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw ringlets, which +waved over my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well round to the +corners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and red +morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color +round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated +with a tuft of the scarlet feathers of the flamingo, formed my +head-dress, and I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a +small silver skull and crossbones in front of my turban. Two brace +of pistols, a Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and +very nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant costume. My +two flags were each surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones, +and ornamented, one with a black, and the other with a red beard +(of enormous length, taken from men slain in battle by me). On one +flag were of course the arms of John Company; on the other, an +image of myself bestriding a prostrate elephant, with the simple +word, 'Gujputi' written underneath in the Nagaree, Persian, and +Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and looked, by the +immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied the words which +were written concerning handsome General Webb, in Marlborough's +time:-- + + + "'To noble danger he conducts the way, + His great example all his troop obey, + Before the front the Major sternly rides, + With such an air as Mars to battle strides. + Propitious heaven must sure a hero save + Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!' + + +"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger, +Pappendick, Stuffle, &c., &c.) were dressed exactly in the same +way, but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in +black. I have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious- +looking men, but the Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to +the view than any set of ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I +would to heaven that the Czar of Muscovy had passed through Cabool +and Lahore, and that I with my old Ahmednuggars stood on a fair +field to meet him! Bless you, bless you, my swart companions in +victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the booming of +your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye rage in +the thickest of the battle!* + + +* I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to pretend that +my genius as a writer has not been equalled in former times; but +if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe, or Victor Hugo, the +reader can find a more beautiful sentence than the above, I will be +obliged to him, that is all--I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO +HIM.----G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. + + +"But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a +figure the Irregulars cut on a field-day--a line of five hundred +black-faced, black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men--Biggs, +Glogger, and the other officers in yellow, galloping about the +field like flashes of lightning; myself enlightening them, red, +solitary, and majestic, like yon glorious orb in heaven. + +"There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's +sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when +we thought that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success +at Deeg had completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he +broke up his camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake +heard of him was, that he was at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at +Doncaradam--he was, in fact, in the very heart of our territory. + +"The unfortunate part of the affair was this:--His Excellency, +despising the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about +two thousand miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest +degree where to lay hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at +Bogly Gunge? nobody knew, and for a considerable period the +movements of Lake's cavalry were quite ambiguous, uncertain, +promiscuous, and undetermined. + +"Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804. At the +beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, +cutting off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under +lip), and I was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, +whilst I retired for my wounds to an English station at +Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur--it is, as every twopenny postman +knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have there a cantonment, and +thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon and the sticking- +plaster. + +"Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the +lower Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is +fortified slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, +meaning in Hindoostanee 'the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced- +Feringhees-near-the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram') occupied by +Europeans. (It is astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that +language is, and how much can be conveyed in one or two of the +commonest phrases.) + +"Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks +with Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner +of health at Futtyghur. + +"An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The cantonment +at Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy +slave. Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety! +The fact is, that when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies +of the army all congregated to this place, where they were left, as +it was supposed, in safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names +and qualities of all. I may at least mention SOME whose memory is +still most dear to me. There was-- + +"Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry. + +"Miss Bulcher. + +"Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in +large capitals.) + +"Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy. + +"Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan. + +"The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more +too numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, +collected there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left +him, were, 'Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge. Guard +them with your life, watch over them with your honor, defend them +with the matchless power of your indomitable arm.' + +"Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty +air of the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has +often ere this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. +On the brow of a hill--the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at +its base; and no spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely +arranged, both by art and nature, as a favorite residence of the +British fair. Mrs. Bulcher, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other +married ladies above mentioned, had each of them delightful +bungalows and gardens in the place, and between one cottage and +another my time passed as delightfully as can the hours of any man +who is away from his darling occupation of war. + +"I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant +pettah, defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary +counterscarp, and a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my +flag was planted, and the small garrison of forty men only were +comfortably barracked off in the case-mates within. A surgeon and +two chaplains (there were besides three reverend gentlemen of +amateur missions, who lived in the town,) completed, as I may say, +the garrison of our little fortalice, which I was left to defend +and to command. + +"On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had +invited Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. +Vandegobbleschroy, and, indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, +to a little festival in honor of the recovery of my health, of the +commencement of the shooting season, and indeed as a farewell +visit, for it was my intention to take dawk the very next morning +and return to my regiment. The three amateur missionaries whom I +have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very rigid +religious principles, refused to appear at my little party. They +had better never have been born than have done as they did: as you +shall hear. + +"We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of +the delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a +similar kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been +duly feted by every lady and gentleman present; when I took an +opportunity to retire on the ramparts, with the interesting and +lovely Belinda Bulcher. I was occupied, as the French say, in +conter-ing fleurettes to this sweet young creature, when, all of a +sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing through the air, and a strong +light was visible in the valley below the little fort. + +"'What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda; 'this is too +gallant.' + +"'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, 'they are fireworks of +which I have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries--' + +"'Look, look!' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold +of my arm: 'what do I see? yes--no--yes! it is--OUR BUNGALOW IS IN +FLAMES!' + +"It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General +was at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element--another +and another succeeded it--seven bungalows, before I could almost +ejaculate the name of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in +the black midnight air! + +"I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the +conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of +black forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could +observe columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking +up their ground in the very middle of the open square or tank, +round which the bungalows were built! + +"'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling +Belinda clung closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that +encircled her waist), 'down with the drawbridge! see that your +masolgees' (small tumbrels which are used in place of large +artillery) 'be well loaded: you, sepoys, hasten and man the +ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the lights in the embrasures! we +shall have warm work of it to-night, or my name is not Goliah +Gahagan.' + +"The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the +sepoys, choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the +platform at the sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the +consternation, shrill the screaming, occasioned by my words. The +men stood irresolute and mute with terror! the women, trembling, +knew scarcely whither to fly for refuge. 'Who are yonder +ruffians?' said I. A hundred voices yelped in reply--some said the +Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, and +others declared it was Holkar--no one knew. + +"'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to reconnoitre +yonder troops?' There was a dead pause. + +"'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder +army!' again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that +Scindiah and Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that +no one dared venture to face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave +Abmednuggarees!' thought I. + +"'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I see it--you are cowards--none of you dare +encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect: +know you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the +morrow's dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men +against our walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no +quarter, no hope; death for us--and worse than death for these +lovely ones assembled here?' Here the ladies shrieked and raised a +howl as I have heard the jackals on a summer's evening. Belinda, +my dear Belinda! flung both her arms round me, and sobbed on my +shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket rather, for the little witch +could reach no higher). + +"'Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, 'GO--GO--GOGGLE--IAH!' + +"'My soul's adored!' replied I. + +"'Swear to me one thing.' + +"'I swear.' + +"'That if--that if--the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a-attahs +take the fort, you will put me out of their power.' + +"I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that, +rather than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should +perish by my own hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. +Major-General Bulcher, and her elder sister, who had not until now +known a word of our attachment, (indeed, but for these extraordinary +circumstances, it is probable that we ourselves should never have +discovered it,) were under these painful circumstances made aware of +my beloved Belinda's partiality for me. Having communicated thus her +wish of self-destruction, I thought her example a touching and +excellent one, and proposed to all the ladies that they should +follow it, and that at the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at +a signal given by me, they should one and all make away with +themselves. Fancy my disgust when, after making this proposition, +not one of the ladies chose to accede to it, and received it with +the same chilling denial that my former proposal to the garrison had +met with. + +"In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add +to it, a trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the +sentinels came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was +before the gate with a flag of truce! + +"I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the +party, whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the +point of my sword a scroll, of which the following is a +translation:-- + + +"'TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI. + +"'LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,--I have the honor to inform you that I +arrived before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand +cavalry under my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, +seventeen bungalows in Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise +been under the painful necessity of putting to death three +clergymen (mollahs), and seven English officers, whom I found in +the village; the women have been transferred to safe keeping in the +harems of my officers and myself. + +"'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you +will surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general +(hookahbadar) in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your +assent, I beg leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, +and on taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison, +and every female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall +reserve a punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has, +I flatter myself, hardly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favor of +a reply, I am, Sir, + +"'Your very obedient servant, + +"'JESWUNT ROW HOLKAR. + +"'CAMP BEFORE FUTTYGHUR, Sept. 1, 1804. + +"'R. S. V. P.' + + +"The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing +how Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an +enormous Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and +cape, round which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate on +his matchlock, and whistling a national melody. I read the letter, +and saw at once there was no time to be lost. That man, thought I, +must never go back to Holkar. Were he to attack us now before we +were prepared, the fort would be his in half an hour. + +"Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the +gate and advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the +little bridge across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the +fashion of the country, and, as he bent forward to return the +compliment, I am sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a +violent blow on the head, which deprived him of all sensation, and +then dragged him within the wall, raising the drawbridge after me. + +"I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I +stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes, +and, putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre +the enemy." + + . . . . . . + +Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest +of the staff, were sound asleep! What I did in my reconnaisance, +and how I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of +telling on another occasion. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE INDIAN CAMP--THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT. + + +HEAD-QUARTERS, MORELLA, Oct. 3, 1838. + +It is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, +and the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance +beneath my casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The +laugh and song pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can +distinguish the elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay +nothings in the ears of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the +thrilling chorus of Riego's hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated +by the enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the +most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of our little fortalice; +the large casements are open--the wind, as it enters, whispers in my +ear its odorous recollections of the orange grove and the myrtle +bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant cedar-tree) flares and +flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses its scent and burning +splinters on my scroll and the desk where I write--meet implements +for a soldier's authorship!--it is CARTRIDGE paper over which my pen +runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder forms my rough +writing-table. Around me, below me, above me, all--all is peace! I +think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, England! and muse +over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early days! Let me +resume my narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the +authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion. + +I left off, I think--(for I am a thousand miles away from proof- +sheets as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must +contradict myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)--I +think, I say, that I left off at that period of my story, when, +Holkar being before Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I +had just been compelled to make away with his messenger; and, +dressed in the fallen Indian's accoutrements, went forth to +reconnoitre the force, and, if possible, to learn the intentions of +the enemy. However much my figure might have resembled that of the +Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might have deceived the lynx- +eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge, it was +evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn beard would +have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army. Seizing, +then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my +hands, and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made +my hair and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and chain +hood covered likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus, +with luck, impudence, and a complete command of all the Eastern +dialects and languages, from Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot- +free through this somewhat dangerous ordeal. + +I had not the word of the night, it is true--but I trusted to good +fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing +the flag of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of +hundred yards, when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him +I had just overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading a noble +white charger, and no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from +his own horse, and giving the rein to a companion, he advanced to +meet me with the charger; a second fellow likewise dismounted and +followed the first; one held the bridle of the horse, while the +other (with a multitude of salaams, aleikums, and other +genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and kneeling, waited +until I should mount. + +I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was +a great man--that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air, +gathered up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high- +peaked saddle. "Buk, buk," said I. "It is good. In the name of +the forty-nine Imaums, let us ride on." And the whole party set +off at a brisk trot, I keeping silence, and thinking with no little +trepidation of what I was about to encounter. + +As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual +silence (for I suppose, I--that is the Indian--was a talkative +officer). "The lips of the Bahawder are closed," said one. "Where +are those birds of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are +imprisoned between the golden bars of his teeth!" + +"Kush," said his companion, "be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen +the dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, +whose sword reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion +who can wear the papooshes of the elephant-slayer--it is Bobbachy +Bahawder!" + +"You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the +words of the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of +his thoughts." + +"Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young birds, his actions, be +strong and swift in flight." + +"May they DIGEST IRON!" said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a +wag in his way. + +"O-ho!" thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. "It was, +then, the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and +he is the man destined to stand in my slippers, is he?" and I was +at that very moment standing in his own! Such are the chances and +changes that fall to the lot of the soldier! + +I suppose everybody--everybody who has been in India, at least--has +heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two +Hindustanee words--bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He +had entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, +by his merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the +dignity of the peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen +of the first class; he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's +innumerable daughters: a match which, according to the Chronique +Scandaleuse, brought more of honor than of pleasure to the poor +Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the field, it was said that in the +harem he was the veriest craven alive, completely subjugated by his +ugly and odious wife. In all matters of importance the late +Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears, +(knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash in his +attack upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate +Pitan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I +learned from the attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found +out, an old favorite with the Bobbachy--doubtless on account of his +honesty and love of repartee. + +"The Bahawder's lips are closed," said he, at last, trotting up to +me; "has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?" + +"Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I; which means, "My good +friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and +fills my bosom with the darkest forebodings." + +"You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your +dagger?" + +[Here was a pretty conspiracy!] "No, I saw him, but not alone; his +people were always with him." + +"Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree +(whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon +every man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a +dozen men in the garrison, and they have not provision for two +days--they must yield; and then hurrah for the moon-faces! +Mashallah! I am told the soldiers who first get in are to have +their pick. How my old woman, Rotee Muckun, will be surprised when +I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,--ha! ha!" + +"Fool!" said I, "be still!--twelve men in the garrison! there are +twelve hundred! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and +as for food, I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing +in the court-yard as I entered." This WAS a bouncer, I confess; +but my object was to deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high +a notion as possible of the capabilities of defence which the +besieged had. + +"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of a fortress: we +shall never be able to take it until our guns come up." + +There was hope then! they had no battering-train. Ere this +arrived, I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and +march down to rescue us. Thus occupied in thought and conversation, +we rode on until the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old +Puneeree gave the word, and we passed on into the centre of Holkar's +camp. + +It was a strange--a stirring sight! The camp-fires were lighted; +and round them--eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry +steps of the dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some +Dhol Baut (or Indian improvisatore) were thousands of dusky +soldiery. The camels and horses were picketed under the banyan- +trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was growing, and offered them +an excellent food. Towards the spot which the golden fish and +royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the tent of +Holkar, led an immense avenue--of elephants! the finest street, +indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on +its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian +matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and +the grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, +filled with pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and +cocoa-nuts, which grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We +passed down this extraordinary avenue--no less than three hundred +and eighty-eight tails did I count on each side--each tail +appertaining to an elephant twenty-five feet high--each elephant +having a two-storied castle on its back--each castle containing +sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve men that formed its +garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof--each roof bearing a +flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the crescent glittering +with a thousand gems, and round it the imperial standard,--each +standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the well-known +device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of the +first, a chevron, truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in +the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, when I +come to England, to show them to any gentleman who has a curiosity +that way. Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade passed, +and at last we arrived at the quarters occupied by Holkar. + +That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round +one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and +which he occupied during the siege. When I entered the large room +where he sat, I found him in the midst of a council of war; his +chief generals and viziers seated round him, each smoking his +hookah, as is the common way with these black fellows, before, at, +and after breakfast, dinner, supper, and bedtime. There was such a +cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard before you-- +another piece of good luck for me--as it diminished the chances of +my detection. When, with the ordinary ceremonies, the kitmatgars +and consomahs had explained to the prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, +the right eye of the Sun of the universe (as the ignorant heathens +called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar immediately +summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on which he was +seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking off my +slippers, falling on my knees, and beating my head against the +ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred +and twenty feet through the room, and then up the twenty steps +which led to his maidaun--a silly, painful, and disgusting +ceremony, which can only be considered as a relic of barbarian +darkness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let alone the +pantaloons. I recommend anybody who goes to India, with the +prospect of entering the service of the native rajahs, to recollect +my advice and have them WELL-WADDED. + +Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as +he could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as +I have said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I +arrived within speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me +the success of my mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured +out a multitude of questions: "How many men are there in the fort?" +said he; "how many women? Is it victualled? Have they ammunition? +Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the commander? did you kill him?" + +All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many +whiffs of tobacco. + +Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, +upon my honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could +perceive anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was +encompassed, I told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the +best tale I could with regard to the fort. + +"Sir" said I, "to answer your last question first--that dreadful +Gujputi I have seen--and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in +height; he can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred +at present in the compound, and swears that during the siege he +will content himself with only three a week): he has lost in battle +his left eye; and what is the consequence? O Ram Gunge" (O thou- +with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning-and-with-beard-as-black-as- +night), "Goliah Gujputi--NEVER SLEEPS!" + +"Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world)," said the Prince +Vizier, Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee--"it's joking you are;"--and +there was a universal buzz through the room at the announcement of +this bouncer. + +"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu," said I, +solemnly, (an oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) "I +swear that so it is: so at least he told me, and I have good cause +to know his power. Gujputi is an enchanter: he is leagued with +devils; he is invulnerable. Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger-- +and every eye turned instantly towards me--"thrice did I stab him +with this steel--in the back, once--twice right through the heart; +but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar that the +steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an injury upon him." + +I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this +somewhat imprudent message. + +"Ah, lily-livered rogue!" shouted he out to me, "milk-blooded +unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy +master in thy presence! In the name of the prophet, I spit on +thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade thee! Take that, thou liar of +the universe! and that--and that--and that!" + +Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this +old man said, "Take that," he flung some article near him at the +head of the undaunted Gahagan--his dagger, his sword, his carbine, +his richly ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, +worth a hundred thousand crores of rupees--finally, his hookah, +snake mouthpiece, silver-bell, chillum and all--which went hissing +over my head, and flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand +Vizier. + +"Yock muzzee! my nose is off;" said the old man, mildly. Will you +have my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!" and no other word of +complaint escaped his lips. + +Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as +the ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar +fiercely but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or +two of the musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, +strange to say, not a single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub +ceased, and the unlucky wretches who had been the victims of this +fit of rage had been removed, Holkar's good humor somewhat +returned, and he allowed me to continue my account of the fort; +which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his burst of +impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of impoliteness +to have done for such accidents happened many times in the day. + +"It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled out the poor +Grand Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary +means of defence possessed by the garrison. "Your star is bright, +O Bahawder! for this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of +the fort, and we had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison +to the edge of the sword." + +"But you have no battering train," said I. + +"Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to +blow the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!" said Loll +Mahommed, a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and +contradicted, therefore, every word I said. "In the name of +Juggernaut, why wait for the heavy artillery? Have we not swords? +Have we not hearts? Mashallah! Let cravens stay with Bobbachy, +all true men will follow Loll Mahommed! Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, +Barikallah?"* and drawing his scimitar, he waved it over his head, +and shouted out his cry of battle. It was repeated by many of the +other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was carried into the camp, +and caught up by the men; the camels began to cry, the horses to +prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream, the +trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments. I never +heard such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little +garrison when I heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable +host! + + +* The Major has put the most approved language into the mouths of +his Indian characters. Bismillah, Barikallah, and so on, according +to the novelists, form the very essence of Eastern conversation. + + +There was but one way for it. "Sir," said I, addressing Holkar, +"go out to-night and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has +not seen the fort as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for +what? to fall before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to +storm another gate, and then another, and then to be blown up, with +Gahagan's garrison in the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were I +not in your august presence, O star of the faithful, I would crop +Loll Mahommed's nose from his face, and wear his ears as an +ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here that knows not the +difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and Gahagan Khan +Guj--I mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight one, two, +three, or twenty of them, at broad-sword, small-sword, single- +stick, with fists if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is +like mate and dthrink to Ga--to Bobbachy, I mane--whoop! come on, +you divvle, and I'll bate the skin off your ugly bones." + +This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am +agitated, I involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to +my own country; which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any +suspicion as to my real character, detection must indubitably have +ensued. As it was, Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously +stopped the dispute. Loll Mahommed, however, evidently suspected +something, for, as Holkar, with a voice of thunder, shouted out, +"Tomasha (silence)," Loll sprang forward and gasped out-- + +"My lord! my lord I this is not Bob--" + +But he could say no more. "Gag the slave!" screamed out Holkar, +stamping with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the +poor devil's jaws. "Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, +give him a hundred dozen on the soles of his feet, set him upon a +white donkey, and carry him round the camp, with an inscription +before him: 'This is the way that Holkar rewards the talkative.'" + +I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo +falling on Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, +and thanked my stars that I was delivered of this danger. + +"Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, "I owe +you a reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince, +O Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir +u Dowlut!" + +The good old man's eyes filled with tears. "I can bear thy +severity, O Prince," said he; "I cannot bear thy love. Was it not +an honor that your Highness did me just now when you condescended +to pass over the bridge of your slave's nose?" + +The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The +Vizier retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed. Holkar was in +high good humor. + +"Bobbachy," said he, thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, I have +news for thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge," (white +and red rose,) has arrived in camp." + +"My WIFE, my lord!" said I, aghast. + +"Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; I see thou art +wild with joy. The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and +I know thou longest to join her." + +My wife? Here was a complication truly! + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE. + + +I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at +the gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the +neighborhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before +that time and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the +present instance such a throbbing of the heart as I never have +experienced when leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a +battery. + +As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, +some to ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some +with hookahs, attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the +thousand delicacies of Eastern life. I motioned them away. "I +will wear my armor," said I; I shall go forth to-night; carry my +duty to the princess, and say I grieve that to-night I have not the +time to see her. Spread me a couch here, and bring me supper here: +a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed with pistachio- +nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid--anything. +Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when the meal +is ready." + +I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and +hoped to be able to escape without subjecting myself to the +examination of her curious eyes. After smoking for a while, an +attendant came to tell me that my supper was prepared in the inner +apartment of the tent (I suppose that the reader, if he be +possessed of the commonest intelligence, knows that the tents of +the Indian grandees are made of the finest Cashmere shawls, and +contain a dozen rooms at least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash- +windows complete). I entered, I say, into an inner chamber, and +there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental +fashion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar, +which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow. + +I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most +savory stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard +a scuffle of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the +curtain being flung open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve +slaves, with moon faces and slim waists, lovely as the houris in +Paradise. + +The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her +attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the +complexion of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by +the tawdry dress and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. +A line of yellow chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her +nose (which was further ornamented by an immense glittering nose- +ring), her eyelids painted bright red, and a large dab of the same +color on her chin, showed she was not of the Mussulman, but the +Brahmin faith--and of a very high caste; you could see that by her +eyes. My mind was instantaneously made up as to my line of action. + +The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they +heard the well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death +to them to have remained and looked in her face. The females +ranged themselves round their mistress, as she squatted down +opposite to me. + +"And is this," said she, "a welcome, O Khan! after six months' +absence, for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world? +Is this lamb, O glutton! half so tender as thy spouse? Is this +wine, O sot! half so sweet as her looks?" + +I saw the storm was brewing--her slaves, to whom she turned, kept +up a kind of chorus:-- + +"Oh, the faithless one!" cried they. "Oh, the rascal, the false +one, who has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the +Khanum's!" + +"A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely: "but a lamb has a +good temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman--but a +wine-cup) has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!" and again I dipped my nose +in the soul-refreshing jar. + +The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my +repartees; she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and +chattered and stormed until I lost all patience. + +"Retire, friends," said I, "and leave me in peace." + +"Stir, on your peril!" cried the Khanum. + +So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my +pistols, cocked them, and said, "O houris! these pistols contain +each two balls: the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me-- +but for you!--by all the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die +if ye stay a moment longer in my presence! This was enough; the +ladies gave a shriek, and skurried out of the apartment like a +covey of partridges on the wing. + +Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather Bobbachy's +wife, sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which +her lord had displayed in her presence. I seized her hand and, +gripping it close, whispered in her ear, to which I put the other +pistol:--"O Khanum, listen and scream not; the moment you scream, +you die!" She was completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman +could in her situation, and said, "Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am +dumb." + +"Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape +which had covered almost the whole of my face--I AM NOT THY +HUSBAND--I am the slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!" + +As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my +shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I +formed one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, +and I recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next "Book of +Beauty." + +"Wretch!" said she, "what wouldst thou?" + +"You black-faced fiend," said I, "raise but your voice, and you are +dead!" + +"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that YOU can escape? +The torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that +Holkar will invent for thee." + +"Tortures, madam?" answered I, coolly. "Fiddlesticks! You will +neither betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the +contrary, you will give me your best jewels and facilitate my +escape to the fort. Don't grind your teeth and swear at me. +Listen, madam : you know this dress and these arms;--they are the +arms of your husband, Bobbachy Bahawder--MY PRISONER. He now lies +in yonder fort, and if I do not return before daylight, at SUNRISE +HE DIES: and then, when they send his corpse back to Holkar, what +will you, HIS WIDOW, do?" + +"Oh!" said she, shuddering, "spare me, spare me!" + +"I'll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of +dying along with him--of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death, +from which your father cannot save you, to which he will be the +first man to condemn and conduct you. Ha! I see we understand each +other, and you will give me over the cash-box and jewels." And so +saying I threw myself back with the calmest air imaginable, +flinging the pistols over to her. "Light me a pipe, my love," said +I, "and then go and hand me over the dollars; do you hear?" You +see I had her in my power--up a tree, as the Americans say, and she +very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then departed for the goods +I spoke about. + +What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take +that ride round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost. + +My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards, +had occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned +from her quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables +to the amount of about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of +them afterwards, but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was +just about to take my departure, when a tremendous knocking, +shouting, and screaming was heard at the entrance of the tent. It +was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed Loll Mahommed, who, +after his punishment, found his master restored to good humor, and +had communicated to him his firm conviction that I was an impostor. + +"Ho, Begum," shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people +could not enter the women's apartments), "speak, O my daughter! is +your husband returned?" + +"Speak, madam," said I, "or REMEMBER THE ROASTING." + +"He is, papa," said the Begum. + +"Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!" (the old ruffian was laughing +outside)--"are you sure it is?--Ha! aha!--HE-E-E!" + +"Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to +pass no more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever +seen the face of any other man?" And hereat she began to weep as +if her heart would break--the deceitful minx! + +Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury. "Oh, you liar and +eternal thief!" said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could +only hear) to Loll Mahommed, "to make your prince eat such +monstrous dirt as this! Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him +from my service, I degrade him from his rank, I appropriate to +myself all his property: and hark ye, furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED +DOZEN MORE!" + +Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my +soul. + + . . . . . . + +Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the +little fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a +veil, the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty +of his form, who carried in his hand a deal box of considerable +size. The warrior at the gate gave the word and was admitted, the +woman returned slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee +Rooge; his was-- + +G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. + + +CHAPTER VI. + +FAMINE IN THE GARRISON. + + +Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my +precious box into my own apartment, which communicated with +another, where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he +should recover, and to prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, +was one of the guard. I called him, and the fellow came, looking +very much confused and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance. + +"Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look so pale, fellow?" +(he was as white as a sheet.) "It is thy master, dost thou not +remember him?" The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's +clothes, but was not present when I had blacked my face and beard +in the manner I have described. + +"O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!" cried the faithful fellow, "and do +I see my dear master disguised in this way? For heaven's sake let +me rid you of this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say +in the ball-room, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst +them with his roses turned into coal?" + +I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of +which I write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little +vain of my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear +before my dear Belinda disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed +Ghorumsaug to divest me of the heathenish armor and habiliments +which I wore; and having, with a world of scrubbing and trouble, +divested my face and beard of their black tinge, I put on my own +becoming uniform, and hastened to wait on the ladies; hastened, I +say,--although delayed would have been the better word, for the +operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours. + +"How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?" said I, before leaving my +apartment. + +"He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men +and myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in +command) has just been the rounds, and has seen that all was +secure." + +I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my +exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help informing +him of its contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post +near the prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my +respects to the fair creatures under my protection. "What good +after all have I done," thought I to myself, "in this expedition +which I had so rashly undertaken?" I had seen the renowned Holkar, +I had been in the heart of his camp; I knew the disposition of his +troops, that there were eleven thousand of them, and that he only +waited for his guns to make a regular attack on the fort. I had +seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say ROBBED her, and I don't +care what the reader or any other man may think of the act) of a +deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three millions +sterling, the property of herself and husband. + +Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money +and jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss +Bulcher eat a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down +pearls to her tea? Could I, careless as I am about food, with a +stomach that would digest anything--(once, in Spain, I ate the leg +of a horse during a famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel +that I bolted the shoe, as well as the hoof, and never felt the +slightest inconvenience from either,)--could I, I say, expect to +live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a dish of stewed +emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of Croesus before me I +felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its weight in +carats for a good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, +what art thou? What is gold?--Soft metal. What are diamonds?-- +Shining tinsel. The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, +the sole objects worthy of a soldier's consideration, are +beefsteaks, gunpowder, and cold iron. + +The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own +apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, +with a candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of +artillery (4 long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long +brass mortar, for grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of +Assaye), and muskets for ten times my force. My garrison, as I +have told the reader in a previous number, consisted of 40 men, two +chaplains, and a surgeon; add to these my guests, 83 in number, of +whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights, powder, pigtails, and +silk stockings, who had come out merely for a dance, and found +themselves in for a siege). Such were our numbers:-- + + + Ladies 74 + Troops and artillerymen 40 + Other non-combatants 11 + MAJOR-GEN. O'G. GAHAGAN 1000 + ---- + 1,125 + + +I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in +the army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as +much as an ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals +went, 126 mouths; as combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with +12 guns and a fort, against Holkar and his 12,000. No such +alarming odds, if-- + +IF!--ay, there was the rub--IF we had SHOT, as well as powder for +our guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT. Of the former commodity +we had only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my +sacred honor, to feed 126 souls, we had but + + +Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. +Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer. +Of soda-water, four ditto. +Two bottles of fine Spanish olives. +Raspberry cream--the remainder of two dishes. +Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle. +Half a drum of best Turkey figs. +Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust + of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins. +Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles + of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple + of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil. + + +This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after +supper had seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were +carried off from the table; and these were the miserable remnants I +found and counted on my return, taking good care to lock the door +of the supper-room, and treasure what little sustenance still +remained in it. + +When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I +not only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom, +which was of the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you +never behold such a sight as that which presented itself: eighty- +three men and women in ball-dresses; the former with their lank +powdered locks streaming over their faces; the latter with faded +flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged rouge, blear eyes, draggling +feathers, rumpled satins--each more desperately melancholy and +hideous than the other--each, except my beloved Belinda Bulcher, +whose raven ringlets never having been in curl, could of course +never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it +may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous +arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and therefore, +as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder had +come off. Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes +as I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing +roses mantled in her cheek! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, +opened their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions, +regarding my adventures in the camp--SHE, as she saw me, gave a +faint scream, (the sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the +throat of a woman!) then started up--then made as if she would sit +down--then moved backwards--then tottered forwards--then tumbled +into my--Psha! why recall, why attempt to describe that delicious-- +that passionate greeting of two young hearts? What was the +surrounding crowd to US? What cared we for the sneers of the men, +the titters of the jealous women, the shrill "Upon my word!" of the +elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda's mamma? +The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms. "Goliah! my Goliah!" +said she, "my brave, my beautiful, THOU art returned, and hope +comes back with thee. Oh! who can tell the anguish of my soul, +during this dreadful, dreadful night!" Other similar ejaculations +of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD perilled life in her +service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there was none, so +exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in +this overwhelming joy! + + . . . . . . + +[The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very +most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have +been compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole +passage, though highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly +be tedious to the reader.] + + . . . . . . + +As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and +were giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, +scowling round with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know +me know I can sometimes put on, I shouted out, "Hark ye men and +women--I am this lady's truest knight--her husband I hope one day +to be. I am commander, too, in this fort--the enemy is without it; +another word of mockery--another glance of scorn--and, by heaven, I +will hurl every man and woman from the battlements, a prey to the +ruffianly Holkar!" This quieted them. I am a man of my word, and +none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from that moment. + +It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish. Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy +(whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who +has been in India) cried, "Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been +so pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself +and the ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast." And Mrs. +Van giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. +"Oh! breakfast, breakfast by all means," said the rest; "we really +are dying for a warm cup of tea." + +"Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies?" says I. + +"Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat Mrs. Van. + +"What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?" Of course they +said it was the very thing. + +"And do you like hot rowls or cowld--muffins or crumpets--fresh +butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some +ilegant divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of +grilled turkeys, and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the +ladies?" + +"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," answered they all. + +"But stop," says I. "O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, +that you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, +and he been without--" + +"What?" said they, in a breath. + +"Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the +whole house." + +"Well, well, we can do without it." + +"Or a single pound of coffee." + +"Never mind; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van and the rest were +beginning to look alarmed.) + +"And about the kidneys--now I remember, the black divvles outside +the fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have +kidneys without them?" (Here there was a slight o--o--o!) + +"And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the +cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for +money or love: but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which +will be just as good." + +"Oh! just as good." + +"Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had-- +no, nor a fresh chicken," continued I, "nor a stale one either; nor +a tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste +taste in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!" + +"In the name of heaven!" said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, "what is +there, then?" + +"Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now," shouted I. +"There's + + + "Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. + Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c. + + +And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending +with the ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly. + +"Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, "give me +the ham-sandwiches--I must manage to breakfast off them." + +And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest +proposition! Of course I did not accede to it--why should I? I +was the commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three +very sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. +"Ladies," said I, "there are in this fort one hundred and twenty- +six souls, and this is all the food which is to last us during the +siege. Meat there is none--of drink there is a tolerable quantity; +and at one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine and one olive shall +be served out to each woman: the men will receive two glasses, and +an olive and a fig--and this must be your food during the siege. +Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and if he be--why, +still there is a chance--why do I say a chance?--a CERTAINTY of +escaping from the hands of these ruffians." + +"Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!" screeched the whole +covey at a breath. + +"It lies," answered I, "in the POWDER MAGAZINE. I will blow this +fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of +Holkar." + +The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in +Holkar's camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear +Belinda whispered in my ear, "Well done, thou noble knight! bravely +said, my heart's Goliah!" I felt I was right: I could have blown +her up twenty times for the luxury of that single moment! "And +now, ladies," said I, "I must leave you. The two chaplains will +remain with you to administer professional consolation--the other +gentlemen will follow me up stairs to the ramparts, where I shall +find plenty of work for them." + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE ESCAPE. + + +Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey, +and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded +to review my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in +command of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with +whom, as may be seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an +affair of honor); and the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had +only stunned, never wishing to kill him, had been left in charge of +that officer. Three of the garrison (one of them a man of the +Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body-servant, Ghorumsaug above +named,) were appointed to watch the captive by turns, and never +leave him out of their sight. The lieutenant was instructed to +look to them and to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy was severely +injured by the blow which I had given him, and was, moreover, bound +hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I considered myself +sure of his person. + +Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little +force, and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not +surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but +desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to +him, and ordered him to appear immediately. + +The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered +some information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten +to the apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be +confined. + +The men had fled;--Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my +astonishment when I found--with a rope cutting his naturally wide +mouth almost into his ears--with a dreadful sabre-cut across his +forehead--with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied +between his legs--my unhappy, my attached friend--Mortimer +Macgillicuddy! + +He had been in this position for about three hours--it was the very +position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed--an +attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape +impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner. + +I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured +half a bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his +mouth, and when he had been released, he informed me of the +circumstances that had taken place. + +Fool that I was! idiot!--upon my return to the fort, to have been +anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple of +hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and +complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner--when his +escape would have been prevented. O foppery, foppery!--it was that +cursed love of personal appearance which had led me to forget my +duty to my general, my country, my monarch, and my own honor! + +Thus it was that the escape took place:--My own fellow of the +Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the +operation to my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform +of my corps, and removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken +from the back of the prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the +rogue do next?--Why, he carried back the dress to the Bobbachy--he +put it, once more, on its right owner; he and his infernal black +companions (who had been won over by the Bobbachy with promises of +enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy, who was going the rounds, +and then marched with the Indian coolly up to the outer gate, and +gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself, who had first +come in, and was as likely to go out again,--(indeed my rascally +valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him and his +two companions to reconnoitre,)--opened the gates, and off they +went! + +This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!--and +for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE +ROUNDS;--he HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this +cruel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just +been on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I +had changed the guard at the gate (whom they had won over +likewise); and yet, although they had overcome poor Mac, and +although they were ready for the start, they had positively no +means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough to put +means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice besotted fool that I was, +to think of my own silly person when I should have been occupied +solely with my public duty. + +From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from +the effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him, +and from my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. +A sudden and painful thought struck me--my precious box!--I rushed +back, I found that box--I have it still. Opening it, there, where +I had left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, +strings of diamonds as big as ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the +lips of my Belinda, countless strings of pearls, amethysts, +emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes--I found--a piece of +paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, which are thus, +word for word, translated: + + + "EPIGRAM. + + "(On disappointing a certain Major.) + + "The conquering Lion return'd with his prey, + And safe in his cavern he set it, + The sly little fox stole the booty away; + And, as he escaped, to the lion did say, + 'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'" + + +Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. +I stamped,--I swore,--I don't know to what insane lengths my rage +might have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, +screaming, "The enemy, the enemy!" + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE CAPTIVE. + + +It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving +my sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I +at once frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when +they saw that flamingo-plume floating in the breeze--that awful +figure standing in the breach--that waving war-sword sparkling in +the sky--well, I say, they knew the name of the humble individual +who owned the sword, the plume, and the figure. The ruffians were +mustered in front, the cavalry behind. The flags were flying, the +drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos, and other instruments of +Eastern music, raised in the air a strange, barbaric melody; the +officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries, were seen +galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the orders of +Holkar. + +You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does +on a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the +Burrumpooter river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a +thousand yards wide, so that I had no fear about them attacking me +in THAT quarter. My guns, therefore (with their six-and-thirty +miserable charges of shot) were dragged round to the point at which +I conceived Holkar would be most likely to attack me. I was in a +situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times as I +could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a cannon; so the +attacking party marched and marched, very strongly, about a mile +and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving the +slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four +hundred yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our +weakness, through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they +never would have ventured so near). At that distance--it was about +the spot where the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise--the +invading force stopped; the elephants drew up in a line, at right +angles with our wall (the fools! they thought they should expose +themselves too much by taking a position parallel to it); the +cavalry halted too, and--after the deuce's own flourish of trumpets +and banging of gongs, to be sure,--somebody, in a flame-colored +satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree (that +looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet), +got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and +began a speech. + +The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable +precision, about three hundred of them. The following little +diagram will explain matters:-- + + + __G + | + .................... | + E | + | + | + | F + + +E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in +the fort. NOW the reader will see what I did. + +The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro +gracefully before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, +brought the gun G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I +pointed it myself; bang! it went, and what was the consequence? +Why, this:-- + + + X + ____________________ |__G + .................... | + E | + | + | + | F + + +F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the +elephants, as we have previously seen them. What then is X? X IS +THE LINE TAKEN BY THE BALL FIRED FROM G, which took off ONE HUNDRED +AND THIRTY-FOUR elephants' trunks, and only spent itself in the +tusk of a very old animal, that stood the hundred and thirty-fifth. + +I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun +was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, +and contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first +animal? An ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his +mark, and what would have been the consequence? Why, that the ball +might have killed two elephants and wounded a third; but here, +probably, it would have stopped, and done no further mischief. The +TRUNK was the place at which to aim; there are no bones there; and +away, consequently, went the bullet, shearing, as I have said, +through one hundred and thirty-five probosces. Heavens! what a +howl there was when the shot took effect! What a sudden stoppage +of Holkar's speech! What a hideous snorting of elephants! What a +rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some demon was +pursuing them! + +Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, +rushing forward myself, I shouted to my men, "My friends, yonder +lies your dinner!" We flung open the gates--we tore down to the +spot where the elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and +of those that escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, +most had left their trunks behind them. A great quantity of them +we seized; and I myself, cutting up with my scimitar a couple of +the fallen animals, as a butcher would a calf, motioned to the men +to take the pieces back to the fort, where barbacued elephant was +served round for dinner, instead of the miserable allowance of an +olive and a glass of wine, which I had promised to my female +friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved for the ladies +was a young white one--the fattest and tenderest I ever ate, in my +life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber +flavor, which, until one is accustomed to it, is unpalatable. + +It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence +on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had +forced their way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of +the garrison larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, +and the wine, which were locked up in my own apartment, before +which stood a sentinel. Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her +gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat HER. However, we made a very +comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks, and when everybody had +done, had the comfort of knowing that there was enough for one meal +more. + +The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force, +attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my +good sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy +and the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, +the enemy sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were +victorious; but when another attack was made, what were we to do? +We had still a little powder left, but had fired off all the shot, +stones, iron-bars, &c. in the garrison! On this day, too, we +devoured the last morsel of our food: I shall never forget Mrs. +Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw her sitting alone, +attempting to make some impression on the little white elephant's +roasted tail. + +The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are +never at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I +discovered charges sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which +were much longer, but had bores of about blunderbuss size. + +This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader +may remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. +The poor wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open +palanquin, and came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in +his Hindustan jargon. Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who +picked off every one of our men who showed their noses above the +ramparts: and a great host of blackamoors with scaling-ladders, +bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, culverins, demilunes, +counterscarps, and all the other appurtenances of offensive war. + +On they came: my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask +how my pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were +without food, I knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two +Dutch cheeses into the two guns, and had crammed the contents of a +bottle of olives into each swivel. + +They advanced,--whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,--bang! went +the other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first +contact with an opposing body, they certainly floored it but they +became at once like so much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution +beyond the man whom they struck down. + +"Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine +Imaums!)" shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the +failure of my shot. "Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has +no more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man +who brings me Gahagan's head!" + +His men set up a shout, and rushed forward--he, to do him justice, +was at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and +poking them with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the +hill: I was black with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage +of despair. "Macgillicuddy," said I, calling that faithful +officer, "you know where the barrels of powder are?" He did. "You +know the use to make of them?" He did. He grasped my hand. +"Goliah," said he, "farewell! I swear that the fort shall be in +atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried it. Oh, my poor +mother!" added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet fearless, he +retired to his post. + +I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then, +stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels;--a shower of +matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them. + +I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, +and his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. +Loll was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. +I fired--bang! ! ! + +I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives +were lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. +The wretch, uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever +heard, fell back dead; the frightened bearers flung down the +palanquin and ran--the whole host ran as one man: their screams +might be heard for leagues. "Tomasha, tomasha," they cried, "it is +enchantment!" Away they fled, and the victory a third time was +ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back to my Belinda. We +had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot hunger in the +thought of once more beholding HER! + +The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, +and almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which +caused in her bosom an emotion so strong--it was hunger! "Oh! my +Goliah," whispered she, "for three days I have not tasted food-- +I could not eat that horrid elephant yesterday; but now--oh! +heaven! . . . ." She could say no more, but sank almost lifeless +on my shoulder. I administered to her a trifling dram of rum, which +revived her for a moment, and then rushed down stairs, determined +that if it were a piece of my own leg, she should still have +something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered that three or +four elephants were still lying in the field, having been killed by +us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought I, has +no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get +something better. + +I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part, +assembled. "Men," said I, "our larder is empty; we must fill it as +we did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a +foraging party?" I expected that, as on former occasions, every +man would offer to accompany me. + +To my astonishment, not a soul moved--a murmur arose among the +troops; and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward. + +"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants +for ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the +fort when the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be +prisoners now as then, and we won't go elephant-hunting any more." + +"Ruffian!" I said, "he who first talks of surrender, dies!" and I +cut him down. "Is there any one else who wishes to speak?" + +No one stirred. + +"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what, you dare not move +for fear of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled +before your arms--what, do I say YOUR arms?--before MINE!--alone I +did it; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the +fortress! Ho! open the gate!" + +I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the +elephants that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had +fallen, about four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly +the hill, a very steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of +the animals, choosing a tolerably small and plump one, of about +thirteen feet high, which the vultures had respected. I threw this +animal over my shoulders, and made for the fort. + +As I marched up the acclivity, whiz--piff--whir! came the balls +over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the +body of the elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me; +I knew it, and quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their +horse: they came nearer, nearer; I was within a hundred yards of +the fort--seventy--fifty! I strained every nerve; I panted with +the superhuman exertion--I ran--could a man run very fast with such +a tremendous weight on his shoulders? + +Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my +tail. O heaven! five yards more--one moment--and I am saved! It +is done--I strain the last strain--I make the last step--I fling +forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me +and it, and--I fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE +OUTSIDE! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes--fifty +black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, "Stop!--kill +him not, it is Gujputi!" A film came over my eyes--exhausted +nature would bear no more. + + +CHAPTER IX. + +SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR. + + +When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found +myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a +Hindoo pothukoor (whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and +looking at me with an air of sagacity. + +"Where am I?" I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange +faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. "Bekhusm!" +said the apothecary. "Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of +those who know his valor, and will save his life." + +"Know my valor, slave? Of course you do," said I; "but the fort-- +the garrison--the elephant--Belinda, my love--my darling-- +Macgillicuddy--the scoundrelly mutineers--the deal bo-- . . . ." + +I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily +upon my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. +I fainted again, and I know not how long I lay insensible. + +Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied +restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much +refreshed. I had no wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on +(as indeed well they might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the +elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a mile in length. Walking, +the task is bad enough: but running, it is the deuce; and I would +recommend any of my readers who may be disposed to try and carry a +dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace of more than +five miles an hour. + +Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door +(plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single +old gentleman, richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes +deceive me? I had surely seen him before. No--yes--no--yes--it +WAS he: the snowy white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to +a jelly, and level with the rest of the venerable face, proclaimed +him at once to be--Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime +vizier; whose nose, as the reader may recollect, his Highness had +flattened with his kaleawn during my interview with him in the +Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too well--I was in the +hands of Holkar. + +Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a +mild air of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he +was torn to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a +difference with Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently +my hand, said, "Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is +deceitful, valor is unavailing, fame is only wind--the nightingale +sings of the rose all night--where is the rose in the morning? +Booch, booch! it is withered by a frost. The rose makes remarks +regarding the nightingale, and where is that delightful song-bird? +Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, and roasted! Who +knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan Gujputi!" + +"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. "Gahagan +Gujputi will bear it like a man." + +"No doubt--like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so +long to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which +there comes not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry spring- +time--grief is often succeeded by joy." + +"Interpret, O riddler!" said I; "Gahagan Khan is no reader of +puzzles--no prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords." + +"Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power." + +"I know it." + +"You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning." + +"I dare say." + +"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your +fingers, and your eyes from your head." + +"Very possibly." + +"They will flay you alive, and then burn you." + +"Well; they can't do any more." + +"They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,"--it was +not then taken!--"and repeat upon them the same tortures." + +"Ha! Belinda! Speak--how can all this be avoided?" + +"Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda." + +"He does, Vizier, to distraction." + +"Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?" + +"A captain." + +"A miserable captain--oh shame! Of what creed is he?" + +"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic." + +"But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?" + +"Alas, no." + +"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?" + +"'Tis too true." + +"Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me +to thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife--your second +wife, that is;--the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, +who loves you to madness;--with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you +shall have the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his +Highness intends to get rid. You shall be second in command of his +Highness's forces. Look, here is his commission signed with the +celestial seal, and attested by the sacred names of the forty-nine +Imaums. You have but to renounce your religion and your service, +and all these rewards are yours." + +He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it +was beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years, +but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth, +and washed off every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and +said, "This is a tempting offer. O Vizier, how long wilt thou give +me to consider of it?" + +After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to +give him an answer. My mind, however, was made up--as soon as he +was gone, I threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep. + + . . . . . . + +At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were +with him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the +other I did not recognize. It was about midnight. + +"Have you considered?" said the Vizier as he came to my couch. + +"I have," said I, sitting up,--I could not stand, for my legs were +tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. "I +have," said I, "unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert +a Christian gentleman from his faith and honor? Ruffian +blackamoors! do your worst; heap tortures on this body, they cannot +last long. Tear me to pieces: after you have torn me into a +certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it; and if I did, if +each torture could last a life, if each limb were to feel the +agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear all--all--all-- +all--all--ALL!" My breast heaved--my form dilated--my eye flashed +as I spoke these words. "Tyrants!" said I, "dulce et decorum est +pro patria mori." Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent. + +The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down +his cheeks. + +"What a constancy," said he. "Oh, that such beauty and such +bravery should be doomed so soon to quit the earth!" + +His tall companion only sneered and said, "AND BELINDA--?" + +"Ha!" said I, "ruffian, be still!--heaven will protect her spotless +innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too! Who, +with his single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol, +cleft in twain thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy +elephants? Three hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of +these I slew one hundred and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian, +tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates thee, spurns thee, spits on +thee!" + +Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of +rage, and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once +(it was the very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang +forward, and seizing his arm, cried-- + +"Papa! oh, save him!" It was Puttee Rooge! "Remember," continued +she, "his misfortunes--remember, oh, remember my--love!"--and here +she blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging +down her head, looked the very picture of modest affection. + +Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, "'Tis better as +it is; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. None of +this shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge," continued the tyrant, +dragging her away. "Captain Gahagan dies three hours from hence." +Puttee Rooge gave one scream and fainted--her father and the Vizier +carried her off between them; nor was I loth to part with her, for, +with all her love, she was as ugly as the deuce. + +They were gone--my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of +life: so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly +asleep. As it may happen to any of my readers to be in the same +situation, and to be hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat +them to adopt this plan of going to sleep, which I for my part have +repeatedly found to be successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, +it passes away a great deal of unpleasant time, and it prepares one +to meet like a man the coming catastrophe. + + . . . . . . + +Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance +in the heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to +conduct me to the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was +set on the very white donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted +through the camp after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode +behind me, restored to his rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed +us in on all sides; my ass was conducted by the common executioner: +a crier went forward, shouting out, "Make way for the destroyer of +the faithful--he goes to bear the punishment of his crimes." We +came to the fatal plain: it was the very spot whence I had borne +away the elephant, and in full sight of the fort. I looked towards +it. Thank heaven! King George's banner waved on it still--a crowd +were gathered on the walls--the men, the dastards who had deserted +me--and women, too. Among the latter I thought I distinguished ONE +who--O gods! the thought turned me sick--I trembled and looked pale +for the first time. + +"He trembles! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, +ferociously exulting over his conquered enemy. + +"Dog!" shouted I--(I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail, +and so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)--"not so pale as you +looked when I felled you with this arm--not so pale as your women +looked when I entered your harem!" Completely chop-fallen, the +Indian ruffian was silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM. + +We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet +thick and eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake, +about seven feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were +attached two fetters; in these my wrists were placed. Two or three +executioners stood near, with strange-looking instruments: others +were blowing at a fire, over which was a caldron, and in the embers +were stuck other prongs and instruments of iron. + +The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in +effect as that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the +Grand Vizier. I confess I was too agitated to catch every word +that was spoken. + +Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The +Grand Vizier came up to me--it was his duty to stand by, and see +the punishment performed. "It is yet time!" said he. + +I nodded my head, but did not answer. + +The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and +with a voice choking with emotion, said, "EXECUTIONER--DO--YOUR-- +DUTY!" + +The horrid man advanced--he whispered sulkily in the ears of the +Grand Vizier, "Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree," said he, "the oil +does not boil yet--wait one minute." The assistants blew, the fire +blazed, the oil was heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside: +taking a large ladle full of the boiling liquid, he advanced-- + + . . . . . . + +"Whish! bang, bang! pop!" the executioner was dead at my feet, shot +through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the +face of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. +"Whish! bang! pop! Hurrah!--charge!--forwards!--cut them down!--no +quarter!" + +I saw--yes, no, yes, no, yes!--I saw regiment upon regiment of +galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying +natives. First of the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR +IRREGULARS! On came the gallant line of black steeds and horsemen, +swift, swift before them rode my officers in yellow--Glogger, +Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres gleamed in the sun, their +voices rung in the air. "D--- them!" they cried, "give it them, +boys!" A strength supernatural thrilled through my veins at that +delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I wrested the post from +its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not release my +hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam tightly, +I sprung forward--with one blow I levelled the five executioners in +the midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can; +with the next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off +their legs; with the third, I caught that chief himself in the +small of the back, and sent him flying on to the sabres of my +advancing soldiers! + +The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick +leading on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had +swept far away. We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar; +and ten minutes afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his +staff, he found me sitting on it. + +"Look at Gahagan," said his lordship. "Gentlemen, did I not tell +you we should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?" + +The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF +FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of +November, 1804. + + . . . . . . + +About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in +the Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:--"Married, on +the 25th of December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, +Captain Goliah O'Grady Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, +Abmednuggar, to Belinda, second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, +C.B. His Excellency the Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride; +and after a splendid dejeune, the happy pair set off to pass the +Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus must recollect, however, +that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side. The Irregulars are +nothing without their leader." + +Such was the paragraph--such the event--the happiest in the +existence of + +G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. + + + + +A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. + + +CHAPTER I. + +SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG. + + +It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that +bathes its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as +now, by a few rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers, +and funguses, and creeping ivy. No, no! where the ivy now clusters +there grew strong portcullis and bars of steel; where the +wallflower now quivers in the rampart there were silken banners +embroidered with wonderful heraldry; men-at-arms marched where now +you shall only see a bank of moss or a hideous black champignon; +and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant me there were ladies +and knights to revel in the great halls, and to feast, and to +dance, and to make love there. They are passed away:--those old +knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to silver, and +then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their elegant +legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and gouty, +and then, from being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to bare bone- +shanks; the roses left their cheeks, and then their cheeks +disappeared, and left their skulls, and then their skulls powdered +into dust, and all sign of them was gone. And as it was with them, +so shall it be with us. Ho, seneschal! fill me a cup of liquor! +put sugar in it, good fellow--yea, and a little hot water; a very +little, for my soul is sad, as I think of those days and knights of +old. + +They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?--gone?-- +nay, not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of +them as they walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining +faintly in their coats of steel, wandering by the side of long- +haired ladies, with long-tailed gowns that little pages carry? +Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them still in the far-off +Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions as they hasten to +battle or tourney--and the dim echoes of their lutes chanting of +love and fair ladies! Gracious privilege of poesy! It is as the +Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures +that to the sight of donkeys are invisible. Blessed treasures of +fancy! I would not change ye--no, not for many donkey-loads of +gold. . . . Fill again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me +up the produce on the hostel door--surely the spirits of old are +mixed up in the wondrous liquor, and gentle visions of bygone +princes and princesses look blandly down on us from the cloudy +perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what year the fairies left the +Rhine?--long before Murray's "Guide-Book" was wrote--long before +squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came paddling down the +stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the appearance of +eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne as a +wonder? Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied +by their ladies'-maids. But of them we will say no more--let us +back to those who went before them. + +Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when +chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon +the banks of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, +and hence must be positively true. 'Tis a story of knights and +ladies--of love and battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes +and noble lords, moreover: the best of company. Gentles, an ye +will, ye shall hear it. Fair dames and damsels, may your loves be +as happy as those of the heroine of this romaunt. + +On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in +the year previously indicated, such travellers as might have +chanced to be abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a +fellow-wayfarer journeying on the road from Oberwinter to +Godesberg. He was a man not tall in stature, but of the most +athletic proportions, and Time, which had browned and furrowed his +cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray, declared pretty clearly +that He must have been acquainted with the warrior for some fifty +good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a powerful and active +battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had come that day was +long and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his armor and +luggage, with seeming ease. As it was in a friend's country, the +knight did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet, +which hung at his saddlebow over his portmanteau. Both were marked +with the coronet of a count; and from the crown which surmounted +the helmet, rose the crest of his knightly race, an arm proper +lifting a naked sword. + +At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior's grasp, hung his +mangonel or mace--a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains +of many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest +there fell the triangular shield of the period, whereon were +emblazoned his arms--argent, a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of +the second: the latter device was awarded for a daring exploit +before Ascalon, by the Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the +German Peerage of that day, or a knowledge of high families which +every gentleman then possessed, would have sufficed to show at once +that the rider we have described was of the noble house of +Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir Ludwig of +Hombourg: his rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor of +Austria, was marked by the cap of maintenance with the peacock's +feather which he wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely +blood was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a +very meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, as it +is known, in the middle ages, none but princes were justified in +using. A bag, fastened with a brazen padlock, and made of the +costly produce of the Persian looms (then extremely rare in +Europe), told that he had travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, +was evident from the inscription writ on card or parchment, and +sewed on the bag. It first ran "Count Ludwig de Hombourg, +Jerusalem;" but the name of the Holy City had been dashed out with +the pen, and that of "Godesberg" substituted. So far indeed had +the cavalier travelled!--and it is needless to state that the bag +in question contained such remaining articles of the toilet as the +high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place in his valise. + +"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!" said the good knight, +shivering, "'tis colder here than at Damascus! Marry, I am so +hungry I could eat one of Saladin's camels. Shall I be at +Godesberg in time for dinner?" And taking out his horologe (which +hung in a small side-pocket of his embroidered surcoat), the +crusader consoled himself by finding that it was but seven of the +night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the warder had sounded +the second gong. + +His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which +could trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to +this famous castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome +signal which told that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave +of Godesberg, were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight +o'clock. Crowds of pages and horse-keepers were in the court, +when, the portcullis being raised, and amidst the respectful +salutes of the sentinels, the most ancient friend of the house of +Godesberg entered into its castle-yard. The under-butler stepped +forward to take his bridle-rein. "Welcome, Sir Count, from the +Holy Land!" exclaimed the faithful old man. "Welcome, Sir Count, +from the Holy Land!" cried the rest of the servants in the hall. A +stable was speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst, and +it was not before the gallant soldier had seen that true animal +well cared for, that he entered the castle itself, and was +conducted to his chamber. Wax-candles burning bright on the +mantel, flowers in china vases, every variety of soap, and a flask +of the precious essence manufactured at the neighboring city of +Cologne, were displayed on his toilet-table; a cheering fire +"crackled on the hearth," and showed that the good knight's coming +had been looked and cared for. The serving-maidens, bringing him +hot water for his ablutions, smiling asked, "Would he have his +couch warmed at eve?" One might have been sure from their blushes +that the tough old soldier made an arch reply. The family tonsor +came to know whether the noble Count had need of his skill. "By +Saint Bugo," said the knight, as seated in an easy settle by the +fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and lightly +passed the tongs and pomatum through "the sable silver" of his +hair,--"By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand +Cairo. How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady +countess, his mother; and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother- +in-arms?" + +"They are well," said the tonsor, with a sigh. + +"By Saint Bugo, I'm glad on't; but why that sigh?" + +"Things are not as they have been with my good lord," answered the +hairdresser, "ever since Count Gottfried's arrival." + +"He here!" roared Sir Ludwig. "Good never came where Gottfried +was!" and the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed +admirably the proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his +coat of mail for the spotless vest and black surcoat collared with +velvet of Genoa, which was the fitting costume for "knight in +ladye's bower," the knight entered into a conversation with the +barber, who explained to him, with the usual garrulousness of his +tribe, what was the present position of the noble family of +Godesberg. + +This will be narrated in the next chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE GODESBERGERS. + + +'Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg +found in the bosom of his friend's family a cordial welcome. The +brother-in-arms of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of +the Margravine, the exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and +(albeit no theologian, and although the first princes of +Christendom coveted such an honor,) he was selected to stand as +sponsor for the Margrave's son Otto, the only child of his house. + +It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been +united: and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more +than one child, it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and +that surely never lighted on the earth a more delightful vision. +When Count Ludwig, hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his +beloved godchild, he had left him a boy; he now found him, as the +latter rushed into his arms, grown to be one of the finest young +men in Germany: tall and excessively graceful in proportion, with +the blush of health mantling upon his cheek, that was likewise +adorned with the first down of manhood, and with magnificent golden +ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling over his brow and +his shoulders. His eyes alternately beamed with the fire of +daring, or melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well might +a mother be proud of such a boy. Well might the brave Ludwig +exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his breast, "By St. Bugo of +Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion's +grenadiers!" and it was the fact: the "Childe" of Godesberg +measured six feet three. + +He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple +attire of the nobleman of the period--and his costume a good deal +resembled that of the old knight whose toilet we have just +described; with the difference of color, however. The pourpoint +worn by young Otto of Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated +with buttons of carved and embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or +leggings, were of the stuff of Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard +argosies at an immense price from China. The neighboring country +of Holland had supplied his wrists and bosom with the most costly +laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat placed on one side of +his head, ornamented with a single flower, (that brilliant one, the +tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather's dressing-room, and +warned him that the banquet was ready. + +It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady +Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation; +for she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid +fish now smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for +herself, but for her lord's sake. "Godesberg," whispered she to +Count Ludwig, as trembling on his arm they descended from the +drawing-room, "Godesberg is sadly changed of late." + +"By St. Bugo!" said the burly knight, starting, "these are the very +words the barber spake." + +The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen. +For some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much +occupied in ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves' head +of which the delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did +we say? ay, marry, and in eating them, too,) to look at his +brother-in-arms at the bottom of the table, where he sat with his +son on his left hand, and the Baron Gottfried on his right. + +The Margrave was INDEED changed. "By St. Bugo," whispered Ludwig +to the Countess, your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been +wounded o' the head." Tears falling into her soup-plate were her +only reply. The soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count +Ludwig remarked that the Margrave sent all away untasted. + +"The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg," said the Margrave +gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to +drink! how different was this from the old times! + +But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to +hand round the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party, +and to fill young Otto's goblet, (which the latter held up with the +eagerness of youth,) the Margrave's rage knew no bounds. He rushed +at his son; he dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest: and +giving him three or four heavy blows which would have knocked down +a bonassus, but only caused the young Childe to blush: "YOU take +wine!" roared out the Margrave; "YOU dare to help yourself! Who +time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help yourself?" and the terrible blows +were reiterated over the delicate ears of the boy. + +"Ludwig! Ludwig!" shrieked the Margravine. + +"Hold your prate, madam," roared the Prince. "By St. Buffo, mayn't +a father beat his own child?" + +"HIS OWN CHILD!" repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a +shriek of indescribable agony. "Ah, what did I say?" + +Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the +Margrave's right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much +agitated by the recent conflict to wear any expression but that of +extreme discomfiture; but the poor Margravine turned her head aside +and blushed, red almost as the lobster which flanked the turbot +before her. + +In those rude old times, 'tis known such table quarrels were by no +means unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen +the Margrave cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or +empty a sauce-boat in the direction of the Margravine, thought this +was but one of the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible +friend, and wisely determined to change the converse. + +"How is my friend," said he, "the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?" + +"By Saint Buffo, this is too much!" screamed the Margrave, and +actually rushed from time room. + +"By Saint Bugo," said his friend, "gallant knights, gentle sirs, +what ails my good Lord Margave?" + +"Perhaps his nose bleeds," said Gottfried, with a sneer. + +"Ah, my kind friend," said the Margravine with uncontrollable +emotion, "I fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into +the fire." And making the signal of departure to the ladies, they +rose and retired to coffee in the drawing-room. + +The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected +than he had been. "Otto," he said sternly, "go join the ladies: it +becomes not a young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights +after dinner." The noble Childe with manifest unwillingness +quitted the room, and the Margrave, taking his lady's place at the +head of the table, whispered to Sir Ludwig, "Hildebrandt will be +here to-night to an evening-party, given in honor of your return +from Palestine. My good friend--my true friend--my old companion +in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see that the fiddlers be not +drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready." Sir Gottfried, +obsequiously taking his patron's hint, bowed and left the room. + +"You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig," said the Margrave, with a +heart-rending look. "You marked Gottfried, who left the room +anon?" + +"I did." + +"You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee, +Ludwig, that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend. +Why should he not be! He is my near relation, heir to my property: +should I" (here the Margrave's countenance assumed its former +expression of excruciating agony),--"SHOULD I HAVE NO SON." + +"But I never saw the boy in better health," replied Sir Ludwig. + +"Nevertheless,--ha! ha!--it may chance that I shall soon have no +son." + +The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir +Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather +deeply. He proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern +soldier of those days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the +punch-bowl: and many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in +Syria with lion-hearted Richard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of +Bouillon; nay, with the dauntless Saladin himself. + +"You knew Gottfried in Palestine?" asked the Margrave. + +"I did." + +"Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with +the warm grasp of friendship? It is not because Sir Gottfried is +poor? You know well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my +early friend!" + +"I care not for his race nor for his poverty," replied the blunt +crusader. "What says the Minnesinger? 'Marry, that the rank is +but the stamp of the guinea; the man is the gold.' And I tell +thee, Karl of Godesberg, that yonder Gottfried is base metal." + +"By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig." + +"By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow was known i' +the camp of the crusaders--disreputably known. Ere he joined us in +Palestine, he had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts +of the Greek. He is a cogger of dice, I tell thee--a chanter of +horseflesh. He won five thousand marks from bluff Richard of +England the night before the storming of Ascalon, and I caught him +with false trumps in his pocket. He warranted a bay mare to Conrad +of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had fired her." + +"Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?" cried Sir Karl, knitting +his brows. "Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had +any other but Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him +from skull to chine." + +"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir +Gottfried's body--not on thine, old brother-in-arms. And to do the +knave justice, he is a good lance. Holy Bugo! but he did good +service at Acre! But his character was such that, spite of his +bravery, he was dismissed the army; nor even allowed to sell his +captain's commission." + +"I have heard of it," said the Margrave; "Gottfried hath told me of +it. 'Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup--a mere silly +jape, believe me. Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on +the board. Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black +bottle at the county's head. Hence his dismission and abrupt +return. But you know not," continued the Margrave, with a heavy +sigh, "of what use that worthy Gottfried has been to me. He has +uncloaked a traitor to me." + +"Not YET," answered Hombourg, satirically. + +"By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable +traitor!--a nest of traitors. Hildebranndt is a traitor--Otto is a +traitor--and Theodora (O heaven!) she--she is ANOTHER." The old +Prince burst into tears at the word, and was almost choked with +emotion. + +"What means this passion, dear friend?" cried Sir Ludwig, seriously +alarmed. + +"Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark +Hildebrandt and OTTO together. Like, like I tell thee as two peas. +O holy saints, that I should be born to suffer this!--to have all +my affections wrenched out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my +old age! But, hark! the guests are arriving. An ye will not empty +another flask of claret, let us join the ladyes i' the withdrawing +chamber. When there, mark HILDEBRANDT AND OTTO!" + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE FESTIVAL. + + +The festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, or in their +caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in +the grand saloon of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to +receive them. Servitors, in rich liveries, (they were attired in +doublets of the sky-blue broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the +richest yellow sammit--the colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore +about various refreshments on trays of silver--cakes, baked in the +oven, and swimming in melted butter; manchets of bread, smeared +with the same delicious condiment, and carved so thin that you +might have expected them to take wing and fly to the ceiling; +coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his excursion into +Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce, circulated +amidst the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the guests. +The Margrave's gloom was unheeded by them--how little indeed is the +smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts of +those who bid them to the feast! The Margravine was pale; but +woman knows how to deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous +to her friends, and laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and +talked, though the talk was loathsome to her. + +"The two are together," said the Margrave, clutching his friend's +shoulder. "NOW LOOK!" + +Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were +Sir Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance. +Two eggs were not more like! The reason of the Margrave's horrid +suspicion at once flashed across his friend's mind. + +"'Tis clear as the staff of a pike," said the poor Margrave, +mournfully. "Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a +game at cribbage!" and retiring to the Margravine's boudoir, the +two warriors sat down to the game. + +But though 'tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won, +yet he could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was +his mind by the dreadful secret which weighed upon it. In the +midst of their play, the obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a +word in his patron's ear, which threw the latter into such a fury, +that apoplexy was apprehended by the two lookers-on. But the +Margrave mastered his emotion. "AT WHAT TIME, did you say?" said +he to Gottfried. + +"At daybreak, at the outer gate." + +"I will be there." + +"AND SO WILL I TOO," thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of +Hombourg. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE FLIGHT. + + +How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future, +and think he can bend stern fate to his will! Alas, we are but +creatures in its hands! How many a slip between the lip and the +lifted wine-cup! How often, though seemingly with a choice of +couches to repose upon, do we find ourselves dashed to earth; and +then we are fain to say the grapes are sour, because we cannot +attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in consequence of our own +fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE OUTER GATE at +daybreak. + +He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night's potations +had been heavy, the day's journey had been long and rough. The +knight slept as a soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity, +and who wakes not till he hears the blast of the reveille. + +He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Margrave. He had +been there for hours watching his slumbering comrade. Watching?-- +no, not watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts +unutterably bitter--over feelings inexpressibly wretched. + +"What's o'clock?" was the first natural exclamation of the +Hombourger. + +"I believe it is five o'clock," said his friend. It was ten. It +might have been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six, +the Margrave would still have said, "I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK." +The wretched take no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions, +indeed, for THEM. + +"Is breakfast over?" inquired the crusader. + +"Ask the butler," said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly, +rolling his eyes wildly, smiling wildly. + +"Gracious Bugo!" said the Knight of Hombourg, "what has ailed thee, +my friend? It is ten o'clock by my horologe. Your regular hour is +nine. You are not--no, by heavens! you are not shaved! You wear +the tights and silken hose of last evening's banquet. Your collar +is all rumpled--'tis that of yesterday. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED! +What has chanced, brother of mine: what has chanced?" + +"A common chance, Louis of Hombourg," said the Margrave: "one that +chances every day. A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart. +THIS has chanced. I have not been to bed." + +"What mean ye?" cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. "A false +friend? I am not a false friend. A false woman? Surely the +lovely Theodora, your wife--" + +"I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son." + + . . . . . . + +In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had +occurred. Gottfried's information was but too correct. There was +a CAUSE for the likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal +cause! Hildebrandt and Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate. +The Margrave had seen them. They walked long together; they +embraced. Ah! how the husband's, the father's, feelings were +harrowed at that embrace! They parted; and then the Margrave, +coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she was to retire +to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should be sent +too, to take the vows at a monastery. + +Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and guarded by +a company of his father's men-at-arms, was on the river going +towards Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there. The Lady +Theodora, under the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were +on their way to the convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our +readers have seen--the beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the +bright waters of the Rhine! + +"What road did Gottfried take?" asked the Knight of Hombourg, +grinding his teeth. + +"You cannot overtake him," said the Margrave. "My good Gottfried, +he is my only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir. +He will be back anon." + +"Will he so?" thought Sir Ludwig. "I will ask him a few questions +ere he return." And springing from his couch, he began forthwith +to put on his usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a +hasty ablution, donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet +of battle. He rang the bell violently. + +"A cup of coffee, straight," said he, to the servitor who answered +the summons; "bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper, +and the groom saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride." + +The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought; the +refreshments disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing +steed were heard in the court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice +of his friend, and sat, plunged in silent grief, quite motionless +by the empty bedside. + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE TRAITOR'S DOOM. + + +The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts +from the hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green +plain below. Who has not seen that lovely plain, and who that has +seen it has not loved it? A thousand sunny vineyards and +cornfields stretch around in peaceful luxuriance; the mighty Rhine +floats by it in silver magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise +the seven mountains robed in majestic purple, the monarchs of the +royal scene. + +A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has +mentioned that "peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that +offer cake and wine," are perpetually crowding round the traveller +in this delicious district, and proffering to him their rustic +presents. This was no doubt the case in former days, when the +noble bard wrote his elegant poems--in the happy ancient days! when +maidens were as yet generous, and men kindly! Now the degenerate +peasantry of the district are much more inclined to ask than to +give, and their blue eyes seem to have disappeared with their +generosity. + +But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story +occurred, 'tis probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was +greeted upon his path by this fascinating peasantry; though we know +not how he accepted their welcome. He continued his ride across +the flat green country until he came to Rolandseck, whence he could +command the Island of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine opposite +that place), and all who went to it or passed from it. + +Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging +above the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous +cactuses and silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day +may perceive a rude broken image of a saint: that image represented +the venerable Saint Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and +Sir Ludwig, kneeling on the greensward, and reciting a censer, an +ave, and a couple of acolytes before it, felt encouraged to think +that the deed he meditated was about to be performed under the very +eyes of his friend's sanctified patron. His devotion done (and the +knight of those days was as pious as he was brave), Sir Ludwig, the +gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud voice:-- + +"Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?" + +"Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?" exclaimed a +voice from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of +geranium and magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient, +and majestic head--'twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo's +solitary. A silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an +appearance of great respectability; his body was robed in simple +brown serge, and girt with a knotted cord: his ancient feet were +only defended from the prickles and stones by the rudest sandals, +and his bald and polished head was bare. + +"Holy hermit," said the knight, in a grave voice, "make ready thy +ministry, for there is some one about to die." + +"Where, son?" + +"Here, father." + +"Is he here, now?" + +"Perhaps," said the stout warrior, crossing himself; "but not so if +right prevail." At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat +putting off from Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board. Ludwig knew +at once, by the sinople reversed and the truncated gules on his +surcoat, that it was Sir Gottfried of Godesberg. + +"Be ready, father," said the good knight, pointing towards the +advancing boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the +reverend hermit, without a further word, he vaulted into his +saddle, and rode back for a few score of paces; when he wheeled +round, and remained steady. His great lance and pennon rose in the +air. His armor glistened in the sun; the chest and head of his +battle-horse were similarly covered with steel. As Sir Gottfried, +likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had been left at the +ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started at the +figure before him--a glistening tower of steel. + +"Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?" said Sir Gottfried, +haughtily, "or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your +lady-love?" + +"I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against all +comers. I hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a +traitor." + +"As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass," said +Gottfried. + +"The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. Liar and +traitor! art thou coward, too?" + +"Holy Saint Buffo! 'tis a fight!" exclaimed the old hermit (who, +too, had been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war- +horse that hears the trumpet's sound, and spite of his clerical +profession, he prepared to look on at the combat with no ordinary +eagerness, and sat down on the overhanging ledge of the rock, +lighting his pipe, and affecting unconcern, but in reality most +deeply interested in the event which was about to ensue. + +As soon as the word "coward" had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his +opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here, +had wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the +rest. + +"Ha! Beauseant!" cried he. "Allah humdillah!" 'Twas the battle- +cry in Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers. "Look +to thyself, Sir Knight, and for mercy from heaven! I will give +thee none." + +"A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!" exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that, +too, was the well-known war-cry of his princely race. + +"I will give the signal," said the old hermit, waving his pipe. +"Knights, are you ready? One, two, three. LOS!" (let go.) + +At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds; +the two knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel, +rapidly converged; the two lances met upon the two shields of +either, and shivered, splintered, shattered into ten hundred +thousand pieces, which whirled through the air here and there, +among the rocks, or in the trees, or in the river. The two horses +fell back trembling on their haunches, where they remained for half +a minute or so. + +"Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!" said the old hermit. "Marry, but a +splinter wellnigh took off my nose!" The honest hermit waved his +pipe in delight, not perceiving that one of the splinters had +carried off the head of it, and rendered his favorite amusement +impossible. "Ha! they are to it again! O my! how they go to with +their great swords! Well stricken, gray! Well parried, piebald! +Ha, that was a slicer! Go it, piebald! go it, gray!--go it, gray! +go it, pie-- Peccavi! peccavi!" said the old man, here suddenly +closing his eyes, and falling down on his knees. "I forgot I was a +man of peace." And the next moment, muttering a hasty matin, he +sprung down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of the +combatants. + +The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his +strength and skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the +Hombourger, with RIGHT on his side. He was bleeding at every point +of his armor: he had been run through the body several times, and a +cut in tierce, delivered with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the +crown of his helmet of Damascus steel, and passing through the +cerebellum and sensorium, had split his nose almost in twain. + +His mouth foaming--his face almost green--his eyes full of blood-- +his brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth +knocked out,--the discomfited warrior presented a ghastly +spectacle, as, reeling under the effects of the last tremendous +blow which the Knight of Hombourg dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily +from the saddle of his piebald charger; the frightened animal +whisked his tail wildly with a shriek and a snort, plunged out his +hind legs, trampling for one moment upon the feet of the prostrate +Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek with agony, and then +galloped away riderless. + +Away! ay, away!--away amid the green vineyards and golden +cornfields; away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the +eagles in their eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the +flashing cataracts tumble; away through the dark pine-forests, +where the hungry wolves are howling away over the dreary wolds, +where the wild wind walks alone; away through the plashing +quagmires, where the will-o'-the-wisp slunk frightened among the +reeds; away through light and darkness, storm and sunshine; away by +tower and town, high-road and hamlet. Once a turnpike-man would +have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike, and cleared it +at a bound. Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way: he charged +the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the roof, +and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on! Brave +horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby! On went the horse, +over mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped +until he reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was +accustomed to put him up. + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE CONFESSION. + + +But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual. +Having examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the +old hermit (a skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the +vanquished one and said, "Sir Knight, it is my painful duty to +state to you that you are in an exceedingly dangerous condition, +and will not probably survive." + +"Say you so, Sir Priest? then 'tis time I make my confession. +Hearken you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be." + +Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his +horse up to a tree), lifted his visor and said, "Gottfried of +Godesberg! I am the friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose +happiness thou hast ruined; I am the friend of his chaste and +virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou hast belied; I am the godfather +of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou wouldst have appropriated. +Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and overcame thee, and have +wellnigh finished thee. Speak on." + +"I have done all this," said the dying man, "and here, in my last +hour, repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the +youthful Otto the true son of his father--Sir Hildebrandt is not +his father, but his UNCLE." + +"Gracious Buffo!" "Celestial Bugo!" here said the hermit and the +Knight of Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands. + +"Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon. Hence +he could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady +Theodora's spotless purity (though the young people had been +brought up together) could never be brought to own the relationship." + +"May I repeat your confession?" asked the hermit. + +"With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the +Margrave, and pray him give me pardon. Were there--a notary-public +present," slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing +over his eyes, "I would ask--you--two--gentlemen to witness it. I +would gladly--sign the deposition--that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr- +ite!" A faint shuddering smile--a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle--the +blood gushed from his mouth in black volumes . . . . + +"He will never sin more," said the hermit, solemnly. + +"May heaven assoilzie him!" said Sir Ludwig. "Hermit, he was a +gallant knight. He died with harness on his back and with truth on +his lips: Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . ." + +An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of +Godesberg were rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot +into the court-yard of the castle, with a companion on the crupper +of his saddle. 'Twas the venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for +the sake of greater celerity, had adopted this undignified +conveyance, and whose appearance and little dumpy legs might well +create hilarity among the "pampered menials" who are always found +lounging about the houses of the great. He skipped off the saddle +with considerable lightness however; and Sir Ludwig, taking the +reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering servitors into +awe, bade one of them lead him to the presence of his Highness the +Margrave. + +"What has chanced?" said the inquisitive servitor. "The riderless +horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon. +The Margrave's Grace has never quitted your lordship's chamber, and +sits as one distraught." + +"Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!" And so saying, the Knight +and his Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where, +according to the servitor's description, the wretched Margrave sat +like a stone. + +Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man's hands, the hermit +seized the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with +a prolixity which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the +events which we have already described. Let the dear reader fancy, +while his Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave +gradually lighting up with attention; the flush of joy which +mantles in his countenance--the start--the throb--the almost +delirious outburst of hysteric exultation with which, when the +whole truth was made known, he clasped the two messengers of glad +tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost choked the aged +recluse! "Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine--say I have +wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back--that I +forgive her--that I apologize if you will"--and a secretary +forthwith despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off +by a fleet messenger. + +"Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him +send me back my boy, my darling, my Otto--my Otto of roses!" said +the fond father, making the first play upon words he had ever +attempted in his life. But what will not paternal love effect? +The secretary (smiling at the joke) wrote another letter, and +another fleet messenger was despatched on another horse. + +"And now," said Sir Ludwig, playfully, "let us to lunch. Holy +hermit, are you for a snack?" + +The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the +three gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which +the remains of the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said, +ample means. + +"They will be home by dinner-time," said the exulting father. +"Ludwig! reverend hermit! we will carry on till then." And the cup +passed gayly round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the +three happy friends sat confidentially awaiting the return of the +Margravine and her son. + +But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former +chapter, that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is +often many a spill? that our hopes are high, and often, too often, +vain? About three hours after the departure of the first +messenger, he returned, and with an exceedingly long face knelt +down and presented to the Margrave a billet to the following +effect:-- + + +"CONVENT OF NONNENWERTH, Friday Afternoon. + +"SIR--I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed +to bear it no more. I will no longer be made the butt of your +ribald satire, and the object of your coarse abuse. Last week you +threatened me with your cane! On Tuesday last you threw a wine- +decanter at me, which hit the butler, it is true, but the intention +was evident. This morning, in the presence of all the servants, +you called me by the most vile, abominable name, which heaven +forbid I should repeat! You dismissed me from your house under a +false accusation. You sent me to this odious convent to be immured +for life. Be it so! I will not come back, because, forsooth; you +relent. Anything is better than a residence with a wicked, coarse, +violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself. I remain here +for ever and blush to be obliged to sign myself + +"THEODORA VON GODESBERG. + +"P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels, +and wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your +house in order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would +like to tear out. T. V. G." + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE SENTENCE. + + +This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at +all times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages, +struck dismay into the heart of the Margrave. + +"Are her ladyship's insinuations correct?" asked the hermit, in a +severe tone. "To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say +a justifiable practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both +to the liquor and to her." + +"But she sent a carving-knife at me first," said the heartbroken +husband. "O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen +to thy green and yellow tongue?" + +"They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely," whispered +Sir Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture +upon family discord and marital authority, which would have sent +his two hearers to sleep, but for the arrival of the second +messenger, whom the Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son. +This herald wore a still longer face than that of his comrade who +preceded him. + +"Where is my darling?" roared the agonized parent. "Have ye +brought him with ye?" + +"N--no," said the man, hesitating. + +"I will flog the knave soundly when he comes," cried the father, +vainly endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his +inward emotion and tenderness. + +"Please, your Highness," said the messenger, making a desperate +effort, "Count Otto is not at the convent." + +"Know ye, knave, where he is?" + +The swain solemnly said, "I do. He is THERE." He pointed as he +spake to the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted +up by the magnificent hues of sunset. + +"THERE! How mean ye THERE?" gasped the Margrave, wrought to a +pitch of nervous fury. + +"Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct +him to the convent, he--he jumped suddenly from it, and is +dr--dr--owned." + +"Carry that knave out and hang him!" said the Margrave, with a +calmness more dreadful than any outburst of rage. "Let every man +of the boat's crew be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the +tower--except the coxswain, and let him be--" + +What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that +moment, and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down +lifeless on the floor. + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG. + + +It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers +we dare venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found) +that the cause of the Margrave's fainting-fit, described in the +last chapter, was a groundless apprehension on the part of that too +solicitous and credulous nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved +child. No, young Otto was NOT drowned. Was ever hero of romantic +story done to death so early in the tale? Young Otto was NOT +drowned. Had such been the case, the Lord Margrave would +infallibly have died at the close of the last chapter; and a few +gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted how the lovely +Lady Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir Ludwig +determined, upon the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon the +shock of hearing the news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and +assume the robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late +venerable and solitary ecclesiastic. Otto was NOT drowned, and all +those personages of our history are consequently alive and well. + +The boat containing the amazed young Count--for he knew not the +cause of his father's anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust +sentence which the Margrave had uttered--had not rowed many miles, +when the gallant boy rallied from his temporary surprise and +despondency, and determined not to be a slave in any convent of any +order: determined to make a desperate effort for escape. At a +moment when the men were pulling hard against the tide, and Kuno, +the coxswain, was looking carefully to steer the barge between some +dangerous rocks and quicksands which are frequently met with in the +majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave a sudden spring from the +boat, and with one single flounce was in the boiling, frothing, +swirling eddy of the stream. + +Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young +lord! All loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but +as they did not know how to swim, of course they declined to make +any useless plunges in search of him, and stood on their oars in +mute wonder and grief. ONCE, his fair head and golden ringlets +were seen to arise from the water; TWICE, puffing and panting, it +appeared for an instant again; THRICE, it rose but for one single +moment: it was the last chance, and it sunk, sunk, sunk. Knowing +the reception they would meet with from their liege lord, the men +naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but putting in at the +first creek on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke of Nassau's +territory; where, as they have little to do with our tale, we will +leave them. + +But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto. He had +disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED. He +calculated that his conductors would consider him drowned, and the +desire of liberty lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in +this instance,) the gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never +lifting his head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne-- +the distance being twenty-five or thirty miles. + +Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the +river, repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he +had had an accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the +moisture of his habiliments, and while these were drying before a +fire in his chamber, went snugly to bed, where he mused, not +without amaze, on the strange events of the day. "This morning," +thought he, "a noble, and heir to a princely estate--this evening +an outcast, with but a few bank-notes which my mamma luckily gave +me on my birthday. What a strange entry into life is this for a +young man of my family! Well, I have courage and resolution: my +first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful one; other +dangers will be conquered by similar bravery." And recommending +himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the care of +their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy fell +presently into such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the +innocent, and the extremely fatigued can enjoy. + +The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued +after swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto +to sleep so profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday's +sunset, as a natural consequence, Saturday's Phoebus illumined the +world, ay, and sunk at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of +the hostel, peeping in, marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a +pretty youth, tripped lightly from the chamber; the boots tried +haply twice or thrice to call him (as boots will fain), but the +lovely boy, giving another snore, turned on his side, and was quite +unconscious of the interruption. In a word, the youth slept for +six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the Sunday sun was +shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne were +clinking and tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and +burgheresses of the town were trooping to vespers and morning +service when Otto awoke. + +As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the +astonished boy could not at first account for his difficulty in +putting them on. "Marry," said he, "these breeches that my blessed +mother" (tears filled his fine eyes as he thought of her)--"that my +blessed mother had made long on purpose, are now ten inches too +short for me. Whir-r-r! my coat cracks i' the back, as in vain I +try to buckle it round me; and the sleeves reach no farther than my +elbows! What is this mystery? Am I grown fat and tall in a single +night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it." + +The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily. He bethought +him of the reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from +being five-and-twenty miles under water. + +But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not +say was to purchase new ones. Inquiring the way to the most +genteel ready-made-clothes' establishment in the city of Cologne, +and finding it was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of +the celebrated Moses of London, the noble Childe hied him towards +the emporium; but you may be sure did not neglect to perform his +religious duties by the way. Entering the cathedral, he made +straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo, and hiding himself behind a +pillar there (fearing he might be recognized by the archbishop, or +any of his father's numerous friends in Cologne), he proceeded with +his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles of the age. + +But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could +not refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he +remarked with surprise that the whole church was filled with +archers; and he remembered, too, that he had seen in the streets +numerous other bands of men similarly attired in green. On asking +at the cathedral porch the cause of this assemblage, one of the +green ones said (in a jape), "Marry, youngster, YOU must be GREEN, +not to know that we are all bound to the castle of his Grace Duke +Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery meeting once a year, and +prizes for which we toxophilites muster strong." + +Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately +settled what to do. He straightway repaired to the ready-made +emporium of Herr Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with +an archer's complete dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his +vast stock, which fitted the youth to a T, and we need not say was +sold at an exceedingly moderate price. So attired (and bidding +Herr Moses a cordial farewell), young Otto was a gorgeous, a noble, +a soul-inspiring boy to gaze on. A coat and breeches of the most +brilliant pea-green, ornamented with a profusion of brass buttons, +and fitting him with exquisite tightness, showed off a figure +unrivalled for slim symmetry. His feet were covered with peaked +buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his slender waist, of the +same material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe and pouch, and his +long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous youth had as yet +only employed it to fashion wicket-bails, or to cut bread-and- +cheese, he was now quite ready to use against the enemy. His +personal attractions were enhanced by a neat white hat, flung +carelessly and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling +countenance; and his lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow +ringlets, fell over his shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down +his back as far as the waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, +many a lovely Colnerinn looked after the handsome Childe with +anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid under the guise of "a +bonny boy in green." + +So accoutred, the youth's next thought was, that he must supply +himself with a bow. This he speedily purchased at the most +fashionable bowyer's, and of the best material and make. It was of +ivory, trimmed with pink ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant +quiver, beautifully painted and embroidered, was slung across his +back, with a dozen of the finest arrows, tipped with steel of +Damascus, formed of the branches of the famous Upas-tree of Java, +and feathered with the wings of the ortolan. These purchases being +completed (together with that of a knapsack, dressing-case, change, +&c.), our young adventurer asked where was the hostel at which the +archers were wont to assemble? and being informed that it was +at the sign of the "Golden Stag," hied him to that house of +entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer, +he speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a +company of his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the +coffee-room. + +After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing +them, "When go ye forth, gentles? I am a stranger here, bound as +you to the archery meeting of Duke Adolf. An ye will admit a youth +into your company 'twill gladden me upon my lonely way?" + +The archers replied, "You seem so young and jolly, and you spend +your gold so very like a gentleman, that we'll receive you in our +band with pleasure. Be ready, for we start at half-past two!" At +that hour accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move, +and Otto not a little increased his popularity among them by +stepping out and having a conference with the landlord, which +caused the latter to come into the room where the archers were +assembled previous to departure, and to say, "Gentlemen, the bill +is settled!"--words never ungrateful to an archer yet: no, marry, +nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of. + +They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and +telling of a thousand feats of love and chase and war. While thus +engaged, some one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the +regular uniform, having no feathers in his hat. + +"I dare say I will find a feather," said the lad, smiling. + +Then another gibed because his bow was new. + +"See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang," said +the undisturbed youth. His answers, his bearing, his generosity, +his beauty, and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends +with interest and curiosity, and they longed to see whether his +skill with the bow corresponded with their secret sympathies for +him. + +An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present +itself soon--as indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as +young Otto was. Fate seems to watch over such: events occur to +them just in the nick of time; they rescue virgins just as ogres +are on the point of devouring them; they manage to be present at +court and interesting ceremonies, and to see the most interesting +people at the most interesting moment; directly an adventure is +necessary for them, that adventure occurs: and I, for my part, have +often wondered with delight (and never could penetrate the mystery +of the subject) at the way in which that humblest of romance +heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants anything in the Pantomime, +straightway finds it to his hand. How is it that,--suppose he +wishes to dress himself up like a woman for instance, that minute a +coalheaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a bonnet; at +the very next instant a butcher's lad passing with a string of +sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously helps Master Clown +to a necklace and a tournure, and so on through the whole toilet? +Depend upon it there is something we do not wot of in that +mysterious overcoming of circumstances by great individuals: that +apt and wondrous conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for +my part, when I heard the above remark of one of the archers, that +Otto had never a feather in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron +would spring up in the next sentence to supply him with an +aigrette. + +And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the +archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling +his crest, placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes +against the wind, rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the +world. + +"Shoot, Otto," said one of the archers. "You would not shoot just +now at a crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it +was a noble bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly." + +But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the +third best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it. + +"Shoot, Otto," said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the +young archer: "the bird is getting further and further." + +But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just +cut. Max, the second best archer, shot and missed. + +"Then," said Wolfgang, "I must try myself: a plague on you, young +springald, you have lost a noble chance!" + +Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird. +"It is out of distance," said he, "and a murrain on the bird!" + +Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having +carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig +down and said carelessly, "Out of distance! Pshaw! We have two +minutes yet," and fell to asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the +which none of the archers listened, as they were all engaged, their +noses in air, watching the retreating bird. + +"Where shall I hit him?" said Otto. + +"Go to," said Rudolf, "thou canst see no limb of him: he is no +bigger than a flea." + +"Here goes for his right eye!" said Otto; and stepping forward in +the English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine, +had taught him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good +aim, allowing for the wind and calculating the parabola to a +nicety. Whiz! his arrow went off. + +He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf +at the other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the +while. + +The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their +noses in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular +to the horizontal position, and said, "Pooh, this lad is a humbug! +The arrow's lost; let's go!" + +"HEADS!" cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen rapidly descending +from the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a +partridge, then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent +heron to the ground, flooring poor Max in its fall. + +"Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang," said Otto, without +looking at the bird: "wipe it and put it back into my quiver." + +The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the +pupil. + +"Are you in league with Der Freischutz?" said Rudolf, quite amazed. + +Otto laughingly whistled the "Huntsman's Chorus," and said, "No, my +friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot. I was taught +shooting, look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the +archers are archers indeed." + +And so he cut off the heron's wing for a plume for his hat; and the +archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, "What a wonderful +country that merry England must be!" + +Far from feeling any envy at their comrade's success, the jolly +archers recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and +Rudolf especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought +the honor of his friendship. They continued their walk all day, +and when night fell made choice of a good hostel you may be sure, +where over beer, punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to +the health of the Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other's healths +all round. Next day they resumed their march, and continued it +without interruption, except to take in a supply of victuals here +and there (and it was found on these occasions that Otto, young as +he was, could eat four times as much as the oldest archer present, +and drink to correspond); and these continued refreshments having +given them more than ordinary strength, they determined on making +rather a long march of it, and did not halt till after nightfall at +the gates of the little town of Windeck. + +What was to be done? the town-gates were shut. "Is there no +hostel, no castle where we can sleep?" asked Otto of the sentinel +at the gate. "I am so hungry that in lack of better food I think I +could eat my grandmamma." + +The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and +said, "You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;" +adding with a peculiarly knowing look, "Nobody will disturb you +there." + +At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a +hill hard by a castle indeed--but the skeleton of a castle. The +roof was gone, the windows were dismantled, the towers were +tumbling, and the cold moonlight pierced it through and through. +One end of the building was, however, still covered in, and stood +looking still more frowning, vast, and gloomy, even than the other +part of the edifice. + +"There is a lodging, certainly," said Otto to the sentinel, who +pointed towards the castle with his bartizan; "but tell me, good +fellow, what are we to do for a supper?" + +"Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you," said the man-at- +arms with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the +archers, taking counsel among themselves, debated whether or not +they should take up their quarters in the gloomy and deserted +edifice. + +"We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there," said young +Otto. "Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant +fellows, and I have heard the garrison is not more than three +hundred." But the rest of the party thought such a way of getting +supper was not a very cheap one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred +rather to sleep ignobly and without victuals, than dare the assault +with Otto, and die, or conquer something comfortable. + +One and all then made their way towards the castle. They entered +its vast and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled +before them with hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and +passing by a multiplicity of mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and +rickety corridors, at last came to an apartment which, dismal and +dismantled as it was, appeared to be in rather better condition +than the neighboring chambers, and they therefore selected it as +their place of rest for the night. They then tossed up which +should mount guard. The first two hours of watch fell to Otto, who +was to be succeeded by his young though humble friend Wolfgang; +and, accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg, drawing his dirk, began +to pace upon his weary round; while his comrades, by various +gradations of snoring, told how profoundly they slept, spite of +their lack of supper. + +'Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as +he performed his two hours' watch; what gushing memories poured +into his full soul; what "sweet and bitter" recollections of home +inspired his throbbing heart; and what manly aspirations after fame +buoyed him up. "Youth is ever confident," says the bard. Happy, +happy season! The moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the +twinkling stars looked friendly down upon him. Confiding in their +youthful sentinel, sound slept the valorous toxophilites, as up and +down, and there and back again, marched on the noble Childe. At +length his repeater told him, much to his satisfaction, that it was +half-past eleven, the hour when his watch was to cease; and so, +giving a playful kick to the slumbering Wolfgang, that good-humored +fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing his sword, proceeded +to relieve Otto. + +The latter laid him down for warmth's sake on the very spot which +his comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep. Realities +and visions then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew +which was which. He dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start; +then he went off again; then woke up again. In one of these half- +sleeping moments he thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in +white, gliding into the room, and beckoning Wolfgang from it. He +looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At that moment twelve o'clock +clanged from the town, and Otto started up. + + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE LADY OF WINDECK. + + +As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer, +pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure. He +did not know whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to +him. Her blue, clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form +was of faultless beauty; her face pale as the marble of the fairy +statue, ere yet the sculptor's love had given it life. A smile +played upon her features, but it was no warmer than the reflection +of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet it was wondrous beautiful. A +fascination stole over the senses of young Wolfgang. He stared at +the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and distended jaws. She +looked at him with ineffable archness. She lifted one beautifully +rounded alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon him towards +her. Did Wolfgang--the young and lusty Wolfgang--follow? Ask the +iron whether it follows the magnet?--ask the pointer whether it +pursues the partridge through the stubble?--ask the youth whether +the lollipop-shop does not attract him? Wolfgang DID follow. An +antique door opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet +they saw quite plain; they passed through the innumerable ancient +chambers, and yet they did not wake any of the owls and bats +roosting there. We know not through how many apartments the young +couple passed; but at last they came to one where a feast was +prepared: and on an antique table, covered with massive silver, +covers were laid for two. The lady took her place at one end of +the table, and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to the other +seat. He took it. The table was small, and their knees met. He +felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against an ice-well. + +"Gallant archer," said she, "you must be hungry after your day's +march. What supper will you have? Shall it be a delicate lobster- +salad? or a dish of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar's- +head and truffles? or a Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a +beefsteak and shallot? or a couple of rognons a la brochette? +Speak, brave bowyer: you have but to order." + +As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish, +Wolfgang thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of +delicacies to him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try +her with something extremely rare. + +"Fair princess," he said, "I should like very much a pork-chop and +some mashed potatoes." + +She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never +served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at +least six portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street. + +When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the +cover on the dish again, and watched him eating with interest. He +was for some time too much occupied with his own food to remark +that his companion did not eat a morsel; but big as it was, his +chop was soon gone; the shining silver of his plate was scraped +quite clean with his knife, and, heaving a great sigh, he confessed +a humble desire for something to drink. + +"Call for what you like, sweet sir," said the lady, lifting up a +silver filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with +gold. + +"Then," said Master Wolfgang--for the fellow's tastes were, in +sooth, very humble--"I call for half-and-half." According to his +wish, a pint of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle, +foaming, into his beaker. + +Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his +conscience it was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young +man felt his appetite renewed; and it is impossible to say how many +different dishes he called for. Only enchantment, he was +afterwards heard to declare (though none of his friends believed +him), could have given him the appetite he possessed on that +extraordinary night. He called for another pork-chop and potatoes, +then for pickled salmon; then he thought he would try a devilled +turkey-wing. "I adore the devil," said he. + +"So do I," said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the +dish was served straightway. It was succeeded by black-puddings, +tripe, toasted cheese, and--what was most remarkable--every one of +the dishes which he desired came from under the same silver cover: +which circumstance, when he had partaken of about fourteen +different articles, he began to find rather mysterious. + +"Oh," said the pale lady, with a smile, "the mystery is easily +accounted for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW." +But this did not account for the manner in which more half-and- +half, bitter ale, punch (both gin and rum), and even oil and +vinegar, which he took with cucumber to his salmon, came out of the +self-same bottle from which the lady had first poured out his pint +of half-and-half. + +"There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio," said his arch +entertainer, when he put this question to her, "than are dreamt of +in your philosophy:" and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time +in such a state, that he did not find anything wonderful more. + +"Are you happy, dear youth?" said the lady, as, after his +collation, he sank back in his chair. + +"Oh, miss, ain't I?" was his interrogative and yet affirmative +reply. + +"Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?" continued +the pale one. + +"Why, no," said he; "no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights +I should like oysters." + +"Dear youth," said she, "be but mine, and you may have them all the +year round!" The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything, +otherwise this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was +in suspicious company. A person who can offer oysters all the year +round can live to no good purpose. + +"Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?" said the lady. + +"Sweet love!" said he, now much excited, "strike up, and I will +join the chorus." + +She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. 'Twas a sweet +and wild one. It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on +a peasant page; it told how nought could her love assuage, her +suitor's wealth and her father's rage: it told how the youth did +his foes engage; and at length they went off in the Gretna stage, +the high-born dame and the peasant page. Wolfgang beat time, +waggled his head, sung wofully out of tune as the song proceeded; +and if he had not been too intoxicated with love and other +excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on the wall, as +the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod and grin to +the music. The song ended. "I am the lady of high lineage: +Archer, will you be the peasant page?" + +"I'll follow you to the devil!" said Wolfgang. + +"Come," replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, "come to the +chapel; we'll be married this minute!" + +She held out her hand--Wolfgang took it. It was cold, damp,-- +deadly cold; and on they went to the chapel. + +As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman +and lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly +down to the ground, and making the retreating couple a profound +curtsy and bow, took the places which they had left at the table. + +Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading +innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent. +As they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of +their frames to follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only +a bust, frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his +pedestal would not move; and several sticking-plaster profiles of +the former Lords of Windeck looked quite black at being, for +similar reasons, compelled to keep their places. However, there +was a goodly procession formed behind Wolfgang and his bride; and +by the time they reached the church, they had near a hundred +followers. + +The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old +knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane. The organ set up of +itself to play the "Bridesmaid's Chorus." The choir-chairs were +filled with people in black. + +"Come, love," said the pale lady. + +"I don't see the parson," exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself +rather alarmed. + +"Oh, the parson! that's the easiest thing in the world! I say, +bishop!" said the lady, stooping down. + +Stooping down--and to what? Why, upon my word and honor, to a +great brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and +on which was engraven the figure of a bishop--and a very ugly +bishop, too--with crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which +sparkled the episcopal ring. "Do, my dear lord, come and marry +us," said the lady, with a levity which shocked the feelings of her +bridegroom. + +The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping +under a large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him; +while a canon of the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt) +began grinning and making fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, +and . . . . + + +As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the +absence of his companion Wolfgang. The idea he had had, that his +friend disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him +more and more. "I will follow them," said he; and, calling to the +next on the watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his +sleep), he rushed away by the door through which he had seen +Wolfgang and his temptress take their way. + +That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle was vast, +the chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, and what wonder +that, after he had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe +should not be able to follow in their steps? As might be expected, +he took the wrong door, and wandered for at least three hours about +the dark enormous solitary castle, calling out Wolfgang's name to +the careless and indifferent echoes, knocking his young shins +against the ruins scattered in the darkness, but still with a +spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm resolution to aid his absent +comrade. Brave Otto! thy exertions were rewarded at last! + +For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had +partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the +picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady's father and mother, +were now sitting at the table. + +"Well, Bertha has got a husband at last," said the lady. + +"After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was +quite time," said the gentleman. (He was dressed in powder and a +pigtail, quite in the old fashion.) + +"The husband is no great things," continued the lady, taking snuff. +"A low fellow, my dear; a butcher's son, I believe. Did you see +how the wretch ate at supper? To think my daughter should have to +marry an archer!" + +"There are archers and archers," said the old man. "Some archers +are snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are +gentlemen by birth, at least, though not by breeding. Witness +young Otto, the Landgrave of Godesberg's son, who is listening at +the door like a lackey, and whom I intend to run through the--" + +"Law, Baron!" said the lady. + +"I will, though," replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and +glaring round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and +that scowl a less valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the +undaunted Childe advanced at once into the apartment. He wore +round his neck a relic of St. Buffo (the tip of the saint's ear, +which had been cut off at Constantinople). "Fiends! I command you +to retreat!" said he, holding up this sacred charm, which his mamma +had fastened on him; and at the sight of it, with an unearthly yell +the ghosts of the Baron and the Baroness sprung back into their +picture-frames, as clowns go through a clock in a pantomime. + +He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had +passed with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the +vast gloomy chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of +the organ in the chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, +directed him towards that edifice. He rushed to the door: 'twas +barred! He knocked: the beadles were deaf. He applied his +inestimable relic to the lock, and--whiz! crash! clang! bang! +whang!--the gate flew open! the organ went off in a fugue--the +lights quivered over the tapers, and then went off towards the +ceiling--the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry and a +scream--the bride howled, and vanished--the fat bishop waddled back +under his brass plate--the dean flounced down into his family +vault--and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as +usual, on the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his +epigram, and to disappear into the void whence he came. + +Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless +down at the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when +they arrived, found the two youths. They were resuscitated, as we +scarce need say; but when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell +their wondrous tale, some sceptics among the archers said--"Pooh! +they were intoxicated!" while others, nodding their older heads, +exclaimed--"THEY HAVE SEEN THE LADY OF WINDECK!" and recalled the +stories of many other young men, who, inveigled by her devilish +arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and had disappeared--for +ever! + +This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant +preserver; and the archers--it being now morning, and the cocks +crowing lustily round about--pursued their way without further +delay to the castle of the noble patron of toxophilites, the +gallant Duke of Cleves. + + +CHAPTER X. + +THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN. + + +Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between +Windeck and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a +legend and a ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of +ingenuity, be made to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as +the journey would be thus almost interminable, let us cut it short +by saying that the travellers reached Cleves without any further +accident, and found the place thronged with visitors for the +meeting next day. + +And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived, +and make display of antiquarian lore. Now we would represent a +cavalcade of knights arriving, with their pages carrying their +shining helms of gold, and the stout esquires, bearers of lance and +banner. Anon would arrive a fat abbot on his ambling pad, +surrounded by the white-robed companions of his convent. Here +should come the gleemen and jonglers, the minstrels, the +mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed, nut-brown +Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs, and +leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the +vine-lands. Next we would depict the litters blazoned with +armorial bearings, from between the broidered curtains of which +peeped out the swan-like necks and the haughty faces of the blond +ladies of the castles. But for these descriptions we have not +space; and the reader is referred to the account of the tournament +in the ingenious novel of "Ivanhoe," where the above phenomena are +described at length. Suffice it to say, that Otto and his +companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and, hastening to a +hostel, reposed themselves after the day's march, and prepared them +for the encounter of the morrow. + +That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and +his comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and +arrows, you may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as +were the multitude of other archers assembled. They were from all +neighboring countries--crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed +with Murray's guide-books, troops of chattering Frenchmen, +Frankfort Jews with roulette-tables, and Tyrolese, with gloves and +trinkets--all hied towards the field where the butts were set up, +and the archery practice was to be held. The Childe and his +brother archers were, it need not be said, early on the ground. + +But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman's emotion +when, preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and +other wind instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the +Princess Helen, his daughter? And ah! what expressions of my +humble pen can do justice to the beauty of that young lady? Fancy +every charm which decorates the person, every virtue which +ornaments the mind, every accomplishment which renders charming +mind and charming person doubly charming, and then you will have +but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her Highness the +Princess Helen. Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know not +with what justice) Rowland's Kalydor imparts to the users of that +cosmetic; fancy teeth to which orient pearls are like Wallsend +coals; eyes, which were so blue, tender, and bright, that while +they run you through with their lustre, they healed you with their +kindness; a neck and waist, so ravishingly slender and graceful, +that the least that is said about them the better; a foot which +fell upon the flowers no heavier than a dew-drop--and this charming +person set off by the most elegant toilet that ever milliner +devised! The lovely Helen's hair (which was as black as the finest +varnish for boots) was so long, that it was borne on a cushion +several yards behind her by the maidens of her train; and a hat, +set off with moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles, birds-of-paradise, +gold lace, and pink ribbon, gave her a distingue air, which would +have set the editor of the Morning Post mad with love. + +It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg, +as leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and +gazed on her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all +over with both of them. A blush came at one and the same minute +budding to the cheek of either. A simultaneous throb beat in those +young hearts! They loved each other for ever from that instant. +Otto still stood, cross-legged, enraptured, leaning on his ivory +bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden for her pocket-handkerchief, +blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to hide her agitation. +Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones! I am old now; but not so old but +that I kindle at the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too has +lived and loved. Heigho! + +Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated +the Princess and the stout old lord, her father? Who is he whose +hair is of the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a +nose, are perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back +and a hideous mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of +jutting yellow odious teeth. Although he wears a sky-blue doublet +laced with silver, it only serves to render his vulgar punchy +figure doubly ridiculous; although his nether garment is of salmon- +colored velvet, it only draws the more attention to his legs, which +are disgustingly crooked and bandy. A rose-colored hat, with +towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks absurd on his bull-head; +and though it is time of peace, the wretch is armed with a +multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres, and +scimitars, which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. 'Tis +the terrible Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein. +Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen. He +addresses various speeches of gallantry to her, and grins hideously +as he thrusts his disgusting head over her lily shoulder. But she +turns away from him! turns and shudders--ay, as she would at a +black dose! + +Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. "What is the +prize?" asks one archer of another. There are two prizes--a velvet +cap, embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of +massive gold, of enormous value. Both lie on cushions before her. + +"I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize," says a +swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules +on a black shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz. + +"Which, fellow?" says Otto, turning fiercely upon him. + +"The chain, to be sure!" says the leering archer. "You do not +suppose I am such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?" +Otto laughed in scorn, and began to prepare his bow. The trumpets +sounding proclaimed that the sports were about to commence. + +Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already been done +in the novel of "Ivanhoe" before mentioned. Fancy the archers clad +in Lincoln green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the +targets. Some hit, some missed; those that missed were fain to +retire amidst the jeers of the multitudinous spectators. Those +that hit began new trials of skill; but it was easy to see, from +the first, that the battle lay between Squintoff (the Rowski +archer) and the young hero with the golden hair and the ivory bow. +Squintoff's fame as a marksman was known throughout Europe; but who +was his young competitor? Ah? there was ONE heart in the assembly +that beat most anxiously to know. 'Twas Helen's. + +The crowning trial arrived. The bull's eye of the target, set up +at three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so +small, that it required a very clever man indeed to see, much more +to hit it; and as Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final +trial, the Rowski flung a purse of gold towards his archer, saying-- +"Squintoff, an ye win the prize, the purse is thine." "I may as +well pocket it at once, your honor," said the bowman with a sneer +at Otto. "This young chick, who has been lucky as yet, will hardly +hit such a mark as that." And, taking his aim, Squintoff +discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the bull's-eye. + +"Can you mend that, young springald?" said he, as a shout rent the +air at his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion +of her secret heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff, +pocketing the Rowski's money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg. + +"Has anybody got a pea?" asked the lad. Everybody laughed at his +droll request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the +crowd, handed him the vegetable which he demanded. It was a dry +and yellow pea. Otto, stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff +to extract his arrow from the bull's-eye, and placed in the orifice +made by the steel point of the shaft, the pea which he had received +from the old woman. He then came back to his place. As he +prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by emotion, that 'twas +thought she would have fainted. Never, never had she seen a being +so beautiful as the young hero now before her. + +He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clusters of hair +from his bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled +on his cheek, from which the barber's weapon had never shorn the +down. He took his bow, and one of his most elegant arrows, and +poising himself lightly on his right leg, he flung himself forward, +raising his left leg on a level with his ear. He looked like +Apollo, as he stood balancing himself there. He discharged his +dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the blue air--whiz! + +"HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!" said the Princess, and fainted. The +Rowski, with one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while +with the other he levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to +level anything) a furious glance at his archer. + +The archer swore a sulky oath. "He is the better man!" said he. +"I suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?" + +"The gold chain?" said Otto. "Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked +by that august hand? Never!" And advancing to the balcony where +the Princess, who now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down +before her, and received the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet +as the cap itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden +ringlets. Once more their eyes met--their hearts thrilled. They +had never spoken, but they knew they loved each other for ever. + +"Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?" said that +individual to the youth. "Thou shalt be captain of my archers in +place of yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome." + +"Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer," +replied Otto, haughtily; "and I will NOT take service with the +Rowski of Donnerblitz." + +"Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?" said the +father of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the +haughtiness of the humble archer. + +"I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY," said Otto, +bowing low. He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word +family. Helen knew what he meant. SHE was the family. In fact +her mother was no more, and her papa had no other offspring. + +"What is thy name, good fellow," said the Prince, "that my steward +may enroll thee?" + +"Sir," said Otto, again blushing, "I am OTTO THE ARCHER." + + +CHAPTER XI. + +THE MARTYR OF LOVE. + + +The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a +handsome dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which +his friend distinguished himself as usual in the eating and +drinking department. Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to +attend; so great was the envy of the brute at the youthful hero's +superiority. As for Otto himself, he sat on the right hand of the +chairman; but it was remarked that he could not eat. Gentle reader +of my page! thou knowest why full well. He was too much in love to +have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring under that +passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet +remember our Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry +when they're in love. + +The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in +the corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his +attached squire, who vowed he never would leave him. As Otto threw +aside his own elegant dress, and donned the livery of the House of +Cleves, the noble Childe sighed not a little. 'Twas a splendid +uniform 'tis true, but still it WAS a livery, and one of his proud +spirit ill bears another's cognizances. "They are the colors of +the Princess, however," said he, consoling himself; "and what +suffering would I not undergo for HER?" As for Wolfgang, the +squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured, low-born +fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to exchange for +the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and orange- +tawny hat, with which the Duke's steward supplied him, the homely +patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past. + +"Look at you two archers," said the Prince of Cleves to his guest, +the Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the +battlements after dinner, smoking their cigars as usual. His +Highness pointed to our two young friends, who were mounting guard +for the first time. "See yon two bowmen--mark their bearing! One +is the youth who beat thy Squintoff, and t'other, an I mistake not, +won the third prize at the butts. Both wear the same uniform--the +colors of my house--yet wouldst not swear that the one was but a +churl, and the other a noble gentleman?" + +"Which looks like the nobleman?" said the Rowski, as black as +thunder. + +"WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure," said the Princess Helen, +eagerly. The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence +of disliking the odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski's +proffered arm, and was loitering behind with her parasol. + +Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black +and jealous Rowski more ill-humored. "How long is it, Sir Prince +of Cleves," said he, "that the churls who wear your livery permit +themselves to wear the ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble +dare wear ringlets such as yon springald's? Ho, archer!" roared +he, "come, hither, fellow." And Otto stood before him. As he +came, and presenting arms stood respectfully before the Prince and +his savage guest, he looked for one moment at the lovely Helen-- +their eyes met, their hearts beat simultaneously: and, quick, two +little blushes appeared in the cheek of either. I have seen one +ship at sea answering another's signal so. + +While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our +readers of the great estimation in which the hair was held in the +North. Only nobles were permitted to wear it long. When a man +disgraced himself, a shaving was sure to follow. Penalties were +inflicted upon villains or vassals who sported ringlets. See the +works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus de Nobilitate Capillari; +Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart; Fresirische Alterthumskunde, +&c. + +"We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow," said the +Duke of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of +his gallant recruit. "'Tis against the regulation cut of my archer +guard." + +"Cut off my hair!" cried Otto, agonized. + +"Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel," roared Donnerblitz. + +"Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein," said the Duke with dignity: +"let the Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms. +And you, young sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger." + +Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent +to plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings +overcame him. "The count need not fear, my lord," said he: "a lady +is present." And he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. +Ah! what a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought +that those lovely ringlets must be shorn from that beautiful head! + +Otto's mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a gentleman-- +let us add, his pride as a man--for who is not, let us ask, proud +of a good head of hair?--waged war within his soul. He +expostulated with the Prince. "It was never in my contemplation," +he said, "on taking service, to undergo the operation of hair- +cutting." + +"Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer," said the Prince +pettishly. "I will have no churls imitating noblemen in my +service: I will bandy no conditions with archers of my guard." + +"My resolve is taken," said Otto, irritated too in his turn. "I +will . . . . " + +"What?" cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation. + +"I will STAY," answered Otto. The poor girl almost fainted with +joy. The Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth +and cursing in the horrible German jargon, stalked away. "So be +it," said the Prince of Cleves, taking his daughter's arm--"and +here comes Snipwitz, my barber, who shall do the business for you." +With this the Prince too moved on, feeling in his heart not a +little compassion for the lad; for Adolf of Cleves had been +handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the ornament of which +he was now depriving his archer. + +Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there--in a word-- +operated upon him. The golden curls--fair curls that his mother +had so often played with!--fell under the shears and round the +lad's knees, until he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of +sunbeams. + +When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the +little chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it +as cropped as a charity-boy. + +See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!--And +no wonder. He was thinking what would be Helen's opinion of him, +now that one of his chief personal ornaments was gone. "Will she +know me?" thought he; "will she love me after this hideous +mutilation?" + +Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to +be seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young +gentleman had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the +wall, a prey to natural despondency; when he saw something which +instantly restored him to good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen +coming towards the chamber where the odious barber had performed +upon him,--coming forward timidly, looking round her anxiously, +blushing with delightful agitation,--and presently seeing, as she +thought, the coast clear, she entered the apartment. She stooped +down, and ah! what was Otto's joy when he saw her pick up a +beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and then +hide it in her bosom! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen +did when she came out after performing this feat. Then she hurried +straightway to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose +first impulse was to come out from his hiding-place, and, falling +at her feet, call heaven and earth to witness to his passion, with +difficulty restrained his feelings and let her pass: but the love- +stricken young hero was so delighted with this evident proof of +reciprocated attachment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at +once left him, and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair, +but his head, if need were, to do her service. + +That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in +the castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of +Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage. He went away +in the greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud +conversation with the Prince. As that potentate conducted his +guest to the gate, walking rather demurely and shamefacedly by his +side, as he gathered his attendants in the court, and there mounted +his charger, the Rowski ordered his trumpets to sound, and +scornfully flung a largesse of gold among the servitors and men-at- +arms of the House of Cleves, who were marshalled in the court. +"Farewell, Sir Prince," said he to his host: "I quit you now +suddenly; but remember, it is not my last visit to the Castle of +Cleves." And ordering his band to play "See the Conquering Hero +comes," he clattered away through the drawbridge. The Princess +Helen was not present at his departure; and the venerable Prince of +Cleves looked rather moody and chap-fallen when his guest left him. +He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately that night, +and inquired of his officers the state of the ammunition, +provisions, &c. He said nothing; but the Princess Helen's maid +did: and everybody knew that the Rowski had made his proposals, had +been rejected, and, getting up in a violent fury, had called for +his people, and sworn by his great gods that he would not enter the +castle again until he rode over the breach, lance in hand, the +conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it. + +No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the +news: for everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid +and powerful soldiers in all Germany,--one of the most skilful +generals. Generous to extravagance to his own followers, he was +ruthless to the enemy: a hundred stories were told of the dreadful +barbarities exercised by him in several towns and castles which he +had captured and sacked. And poor Helen had the pain of thinking, +that in consequence of her refusal she was dooming all the men, +women, and children of the principality to indiscriminate and +horrible slaughter. + +The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days +dreadful confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy Prince of +Cleves was taking his dinner (though the honest warrior had had +little appetite for that meal for some time past), when trumpets +were heard at the gate; and presently the herald of the Rowski of +Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on which the arms of the Count were +blazoned, entered the dining-hall. A page bore a steel gauntlet on +a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on his head. The Prince of +Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to the chair of state +where the sovereign sat. + +"Silence for Bleu Sanglier," cried the Prince, gravely. "Say your +say, Sir Herald." + +"In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz, +Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt, +and Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman +Empire--to you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu +Sanglier, bring war and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or +twenty to twenty in field or in fort, on plain or on mountain, the +noble Rowski defies you. Here, or wherever he shall meet you, he +proclaims war to the death between you and him. In token whereof, +here is his glove." And taking the steel glove from the page, Bleu +Boar flung it clanging on the marble floor. + +The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good +assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise +the Rowski's; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him, +on his knee. + +"Boteler, fill my goblet," said the Prince to that functionary, +who, clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a +napkin on his dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master's chair. +The goblet was filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a +precious golden hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto +the Florentine. + +"Drink, Bleu Sanglier," said the Prince, "and put the goblet in thy +bosom. Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake." And so saying, +Prince Adolf flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald's +neck. "An invitation to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of +Cleves." So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu +Sanglier's retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daughter. +All were marvelling at his dignity, courage, and generosity. + +But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far +from tranquil. He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the +reign of Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a +lion to death in three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of +Peterwaradin for two hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, +who were assailing it. Those deeds which had made the heir of +Cleves famous were done thirty years syne. A free liver since he +had come into his principality, and of a lazy turn, he had neglected +the athletic exercises which had made him in youth so famous a +champion, and indolence had borne its usual fruits. He tried his +old battle-sword--that famous blade with which, in Palestine, he had +cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split asunder the skull of +the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could scarcely now lift +the weapon over his head. He tried his armor. It was too tight for +him. And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found he could +not buckle it. Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible +Rowski in single combat. + +Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the +field. The Prince's territories were small; his vassals +proverbially lazy and peaceable; his treasury empty. The +dismallest prospects were before him: and he passed a sleepless +night writing to his friends for succor, and calculating with his +secretary the small amount of the resources which he could bring to +aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy. + +Helen's pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber. She lay +awake thinking of Otto,--thinking of the danger and the ruin her +refusal to marry had brought upon her dear papa. Otto, too, slept +not: but HIS waking thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble +Childe thought how he should defend the Princess, and win LOS and +honor in the ensuing combat. + + +CHAPTER XII. + +THE CHAMPION. + + +And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his +castle for the threatened siege. He gathered in all the available +cattle round the property, and the pigs round many miles; and a +dreadful slaughter of horned and snouted animals took place,--the +whole castle resounding with the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks +of the gruntlings, destined to provide food for the garrison. +These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of course, would not allow +of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,) the lovely Helen, +with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted and pickled. +Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying for the +same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit, or +occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage, +who brought in wheat without money or credit either. The charming +Princess, amidst the intervals of her labors, went about +encouraging the garrison, who vowed to a man they would die for a +single sweet smile of hers; and in order to make their inevitable +sufferings as easy as possible to the gallant fellows, she and the +apothecaries got ready a plenty of efficacious simples, and scraped +a vast quantity of lint to bind their warriors' wounds withal. All +the fortifications were strengthened; the fosses carefully filled +with spikes and water; large stones placed over the gates, +convenient to tumble on the heads of the assaulting parties; and +caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up pitch, brimstone, +boiling oil, &c., wherewith hospitably to receive them. Having the +keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto was placed on the +topmost tower, to watch for the expected coming of the beleaguering +host. + +They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining spears were +seen glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon +made its appearance in battle's magnificently stern array. The +tents of the renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched +out of arrow-shot of the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when +his army had taken up its position, an officer with a flag of truce +and a trumpet was seen advancing to the castle gate. It was the +same herald who had previously borne his master's defiance to the +Prince of Cleves. He came once more to the castle gate, and there +proclaimed that the noble Count of Eulenschreckenstein was in arms +without, ready to do battle with the Prince of Cleves, or his +champion; that he would remain in arms for three days, ready for +combat. If no man met him at the end of that period, he would +deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single soul in the +garrison. So saying, the herald nailed his lord's gauntlet on the +castle gate. As before, the Prince flung him over another glove +from the wall; though how he was to defend himself from such a +warrior, or get a champion, or resist the pitiless assault that +must follow, the troubled old nobleman knew not in the least. + +The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of +wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if +they would raise her up a defender. + +But how did the noble girl's heart sink--how were her notions of +the purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread +intelligence which reached her the next morning, after the defiance +of the Rowski! At roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she +principally relied--he whom her fond heart had singled out as her +champion, had proved faithless! Otto, the degenerate Otto, had +fled! His comrade, Wolfgang, had gone with him. A rope was found +dangling from the casement of their chamber, and they must have +swum the moat and passed over to the enemy in the darkness of the +previous night. "A pretty lad was this fair-spoken archer of +thine!" said the Prince her father to her; "and a pretty kettle of +fish hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers." She retired +weeping to her apartment. Never before had that young heart felt +so wretched. + +That morning, at nine o'clock, as they were going to breakfast, the +Rowski's trumpets sounded. Clad in complete armor, and mounted on +his enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode +slowly up and down in front of the castle. He was ready there to +meet a champion. + +Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of +defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth +challenging the combat. The first day passed, and there was no +answer to his summons. The second day came and went, but no +champion had risen to defend. The taunt of his shrill clarion +remained without answer; and the sun went down upon the wretchedest +father and daughter in all the land of Christendom. + +The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and +an hour before sunset. The third day came, but with it brought no +hope. The first and second summons met no response. At five +o'clock the old Prince called his daughter and blessed her. "I go +to meet this Rowski," said he. "It may be we shall meet no more, +my Helen--my child--the innocent cause of all this grief. If I +shall fall to-night the Rowski's victim, 'twill be that life is +nothing without honor." And so saying, he put into her hands a +dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so soon as the +terrible champion had carried the castle by storm. + +This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father +retired to his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet. +It had borne the shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was +now so tight as almost to choke the knightly wearer. + +The last trumpet sounded--tantara! tantara!--its shrill call rang +over the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer. +Again!--but when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an +awful silence. "Farewell, my child," said the Prince, bulkily +lifting himself into his battle-saddle. "Remember the dagger. +Hark! the trumpet sounds for the third time. Open, warders! +Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard the right." + +But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet +to his lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of +another clarion!--a distant note at first, then swelling fuller. +Presently, in brilliant variations, the full rich notes of the +"Huntsman's Chorus" came clearly over the breeze; and a thousand +voices of the crowd gazing over the gate exclaimed, "A champion! a +champion!" + +And, indeed, a champion HAD come. Issuing from the forest came a +knight and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant +cream-colored Arabian of prodigious power--the squire mounted on an +unpretending gray cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of +considerable strength and sinew. It was the squire who blew the +trumpet, through the bars of his helmet; the knight's visor was +completely down. A small prince's coronet of gold, from which rose +three pink ostrich-feathers, marked the warrior's rank: his blank +shield bore no cognizance. As gracefully poising his lance he rode +into the green space where the Rowski's tents were pitched, the +hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor Prince of +Cleves, especially, had considerable doubts about his new champion. +"So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz," said +he, moodily, to his daughter; "but whoever he be, the fellow puts a +good face on it, and rides like a man. See, he has touched the +Rowski's shield with the point of his lance! By St. Bendigo, a +perilous venture!" + +The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as +the Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his +daughter stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his +enemy, the Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing +elegantly to the lovely Princess there, and then took his ground +and waited for the foe. His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat +there, motionless, on his cream-colored steed. He looked like one +of those fairy knights one has read of--one of those celestial +champions who decided so many victories before the invention of gun +powder. + +The Rowski's horse was speedily brought to the door of his +pavilion; and that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of +magnificent brass armor, clattered into his saddle. Long waves of +blood-red feathers bristled over his helmet, which was farther +ornamented by two huge horns of the aurochs. His lance was painted +white and red, and he whirled the prodigious beam in the air and +caught it with savage glee. He laughed when he saw the slim form +of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to meet the coming battle. +He dug his spurs into the enormous horse he rode: the enormous +horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce pleasure. He jerked +and curveted him with a brutal playfulness, and after a few +minutes' turning and wheeling, during which everybody had leisure +to admire the perfection of his equitation, he cantered round to a +point exactly opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient +charger. + +The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that +he seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should +his slim champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of +Donnerblitz. "Go it!" said he, flinging his truncheon into the +ditch; and at the word, the two warriors rushed with whirling +rapidity at each other. + +And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like +that of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do +justice to the terrific theme. You have seen two engines on the +Great Western line rush past each other with a pealing scream? So +rapidly did the two warriors gallop towards one another; the +feathers of either streamed yards behind their backs as they +converged. Their shock as they met was as that of two cannon- +balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with the concussion; +the lance aimed at the Rowski's helmet bore off the coronet, the +horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible +distance: a piece of the Rowski's left ear was carried off on the +point of the nameless warrior's weapon. How had he fared? His +adversary's weapon had glanced harmless along the blank surface of +his polished buckler; and the victory so far was with him. + +The expression of the Rowski's face, as, bareheaded, he glared on +his enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a +demon. The imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never +be copied by a feminine pen. + +His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the +opportunity thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting +his opponent's skull with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his +starting-place, bent his lance's point to the ground, in token that +he would wait until the Count of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted +afresh. + +"Blessed Bendigo!" cried the Prince, "thou art a gallant lance: but +why didst not rap the Schelm's brain out?" + +"Bring me a fresh helmet!" yelled the Rowski. Another casque was +brought to him by his trembling squire. + +As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from +his side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of +battle. The unknown knight's sword was unsheathed in a moment, and +at the next the two blades were clanking together the dreadful +music of the combat! + +The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity. +It whirled round his adversary's head with frightful rapidity. Now +it carried away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of +his coronet. The flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly +upon the corn. For many minutes it was the Unknown's only task to +defend himself from the tremendous activity of the enemy. + +But even the Rowski's strength would slacken after exertion. The +blows began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown +knight began to make dreadful play. It found and penetrated every +joint of the Donnerblitz's armor. Now it nicked him in the +shoulder where the vambrace was buckled to the corselet; now it +bored a shrewd hole under the light brissart, and blood followed; +now, with fatal dexterity, it darted through the visor, and came +back to the recover deeply tinged with blood. A scream of rage +followed the last thrust; and no wonder:--it had penetrated the +Rowski's left eye. + +His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost +choking in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and +rage. Gasping with fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great +sword at his opponent's head, and once more plunged at him, +wielding his curtal-axe. + +Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same +dreadful weapon! Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began +the attack; and the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed, +but descended like a thunderbolt! "Yield! yield! Sir Rowski," +shouted he, in a calm, clear voice. + +A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. 'Twas the last blow +that the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle! The +curse was on his lips as the crushing steel descended into his +brain, and split it in two. He rolled like a log from his horse: +his enemy's knee was in a moment on his chest, and the dagger of +mercy at his throat, as the knight once more called upon him to +yield. + +But there was no answer from within the helmet. When it was +withdrawn, the teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should +have spoken, grinned a ghastly silence: one eye still glared with +hate and fury, but it was glazed with the film of death! + +The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine. The +unknown knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful +obeisance to the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word, +and galloped back into the forest, whence he had issued an hour +before sunset. + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +THE MARRIAGE. + + +The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily +sent all his camp-followers, army, &c. to the right-about. They +struck their tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each +man laying hold of what he could, the whole of the gallant force +which had marched under his banner in the morning had disappeared +ere the sun rose. + +On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of +Cleves were not shut. Everybody was free to come in. Wine-butts +were broached in all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such +lots for the siege was distributed among the people, who crowded to +congratulate their beloved sovereign on his victory; and the +Prince, as was customary with that good man, who never lost an +opportunity of giving a dinner-party, had a splendid entertainment +made ready for the upper classes, the whole concluding with a +tasteful display of fireworks. + +In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of +Hombourg arrived at the castle. The stalwart old warrior swore by +Saint Bugo that he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been +taken out of his hand. The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, +Hombourg could never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily +as the unknown knight had just done. + +But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of +these two old nobles. How to find him--how to reward the champion +and restorer of the honor and happiness of Cleves? They agreed +over supper that he should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were +sent round the principal cities within fifty miles, and the +description of the knight advertised, in the Journal de Francfort +and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the Princess Helen was +solemnly offered to him in these advertisements, with the reversion +of the Prince of Cleves's splendid though somewhat dilapidated +property. + +"But we don't know him, my dear papa," faintly ejaculated that +young lady. "Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and +pretend that he was the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince +who had his faults certainly, but whose attachment for me I can +never forget); and how are you to say whether he is the real knight +or not? There are so many deceivers in this world," added the +Princess, in tears, "that one can't be too cautious now." The fact +is, that she was thinking of the desertion of Otto in the morning; +by which instance of faithlessness her heart was wellnigh broken. + +As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of +everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers' mess that +night, as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both +of meat and drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades +began to describe the events of the day, and the admirable +achievements of the unknown warrior; and turning into their +hammocks, did not appear on parade in the morning until twenty +minutes after the names were called. + +When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he +was in a towering passion. "Where were you, fellows," shouted he, +"during the time my castle was at its utmost need?" + +Otto replied, "We were out on particular business." + +"Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?" +exclaimed the Prince. "You know the reward of such--Death! and +death you merit. But you are a soldier only of yesterday, and +yesterday's victory has made me merciful. Hanged you shall not be, +as you merit--only flogged, both of you. Parade the men, Colonel +Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give these scoundrels five +hundred apiece." + +You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information +was thus abruptly conveyed to him. "Flog ME!" cried he. "Flog +Otto of--" + +"Not so, my father," said the Princess Helen, who had been standing +by during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the +while with the most ineffable scorn. "Not so: although these +PERSONS have forgotten their duty" (she laid a particularly +sarcastic emphasis on the word persons), "we have had no need of +their services, and have luckily found OTHERS more faithful. You +promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the pardon of these two +PERSONS. Let them go, and quit a service they have disgraced; a +mistress--that is, a master--they have deceived." + +"Drum 'em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from +their backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again." So +saying, the old Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast, +leaving the two young men to the fun and derision of their +surrounding comrades. + +The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the +ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what +was the row? Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly; +but the Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred +exclamations of joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to +his manly breast, kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst +into tears as he embraced him. For, in sooth, the good Count had +thought his godson long ere this at the bottom of the silver Rhine. + +The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window, +(to invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this +strange scene from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker +likewise, with breathless and beautiful agitation. The old Count +and the archer strolled up and down the battlements in deep +conversation. By the gestures of surprise and delight exhibited by +the former, 'twas easy to see the young archer was conveying some +very strange and pleasing news to him; though the nature of the +conversation was not allowed to transpire. + +"A godson of mine," said the noble Count, when interrogated over +his muffins. "I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace; +ran away; parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil +to pay," and so forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told +his tale in this brief, artless manner. But why, at its +conclusion, did the gentle Helen leave the room, her eyes filled +with tears? She left the room once more to kiss a certain lock of +yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling, delicious thought, a +strange wild hope, arose in her soul! + +When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries +regarding Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women); +but he was gone. He and his companion were gone. The Count of +Hombourg had likewise taken his departure, under pretext of +particular business. How lonely the vast castle seemed to Helen, +now that HE was no longer there. The transactions of the last few +days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer from the Rowski (always +an event in a young lady's life); the siege of the castle; the +death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a fevered dream to +her: all was passed away, and had left no trace behind. No trace?-- +yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over which +the young creature wept so much that she put it out of curl; +passing hours and hours in the summer-house, where the operation +had been performed. + +On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a +consumption and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a +day longer,) a messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste +to the Prince of Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment. +"To the High and Mighty Prince," &c. the letter ran. "The Champion +who had the honor of engaging on Wednesday last with his late +Excellency the Rowski of Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to +H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves. Through the medium of the public +prints the C. has been made acquainted with the flattering proposal +of His Serene Highness relative to a union between himself (the +Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess Helen of Cleves. +The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite invitation, and will +have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and Princess of Cleves +about half an hour after the receipt of this letter." + +"Tol lol de rol, girl," shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy. +(Have you not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and +on the stage, joy is announced by the above burst of insensate +monosyllables?) "Tol lol de rol. Don thy best kirtle, child; thy +husband will be here anon." And Helen retired to arrange her +toilet for this awful event in the life of a young woman. When she +returned, attired to welcome her defender, her young cheek was as +pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs she wore. + +She was scarce seated on the dais by her father's side, when a huge +flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE +CHAMPION. Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary +to restore her tranquillity. + +The great door was flung open. He entered,--the same tall warrior, +slim, and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. He approached the +Prince's throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in +armor. He knelt gracefully on one knee. + +"I come," said he in a voice trembling with emotion, "to claim, as +per advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen." And he held +out a copy of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke. + +"Art thou noble, Sir Knight?" asked the Prince of Cleves. + +"As noble as yourself," answered the kneeling steel. + +"Who answers for thee?" + +"I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!" said the knight on +the right hand, lifting up his visor. + +"And I--Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!" said the knight +on the left, doing likewise. + +The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen. + +"I KNEW IT WAS," said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer. + +But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell +ye. In a very few days after, a great marriage took place at +Cleves under the patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint +Bendigo. After the marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest +pair in the world drove off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the +honeymoon at Kissingen. The Lady Theodora, whom we left locked up +in her convent a long while since, was prevailed upon to come back +to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to her husband. Jealous of +her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son, and spoiled all her +little grandchildren. And so all are happy, and my simple tale is +done. + +I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library. +'Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas; +but 'tis probable that he stole it from some other, and that the +other had filched it from a former tale-teller. For nothing is new +under the sun. Things die and are reproduced only. And so it is +that the forgotten tale of the great Dumas reappears under the +signature of + +THERESA MACWHIRTER. + +WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1. + + + + +REBECCA AND ROWENA. + +A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE. + +BY MR. MICHAEL ANGELO TITMARSH. + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE OVERTURE.--COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUSINESS. + + +Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance, +assuredly it has often occurred to every one of you, that the books +we delight in have very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite +prematurely with page 320 of the third volume. At that epoch of +the history it is well known that the hero is seldom more than +thirty years old, and the heroine by consequence some seven or +eight years younger; and I would ask any of you whether it is fair +to suppose that people after the above age have nothing worthy of +note in their lives, and cease to exist as they drive away from +Saint George's, Hanover Square? You, dear young ladies, who get +your knowledge of life from the circulating library, may be led to +imagine that when the marriage business is done, and Emilia is +whisked off in the new travelling-carriage, by the side of the +enraptured Earl; or Belinda, breaking away from the tearful +embraces of her excellent mother, dries her own lovely eyes upon +the throbbing waistcoat of her bridegroom--you may be apt, I say, +to suppose that all is over then; that Emilia and the Earl are +going to be happy for the rest of their lives in his lordship's +romantic castle in the North, and Belinda and her young clergyman +to enjoy uninterrupted bliss in their rose-trellised parsonage in +the West of England: but some there be among the novel-reading +classes--old experienced folks--who know better than this. Some +there be who have been married, and found that they have still +something to see and to do, and to suffer mayhap; and that +adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and taxes, and sunrises and +settings, and the business and joys and griefs of life go on after, +as before the nuptial ceremony. + +Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes +of hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by +to the two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife; +and I have often wished that additions should be made to all works +of fiction which have been brought to abrupt terminations in the +manner described; and that we should hear what occurs to the sober +married man, as well as to the ardent bachelor; to the matron, as +well as to the blushing spinster. And in this respect I admire +(and would desire to imitate,) the noble and prolific French +author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from early youth +down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them rest +until they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should +get a little peace and quiet. A hero is much too valuable a +gentleman to be put upon the retired list, in the prime and vigor +of his youth; and I wish to know what lady among us would like to +be put on the shelf, and thought no longer interesting, because she +has a family growing up, and is four or five and thirty years of +age? I have known ladies at sixty, with hearts as tender and ideas +as romantic as any young misses of sixteen. Let us have middle- +aged novels then, as well as your extremely juvenile legends: let +the young ones be warned that the old folks have a right to be +interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart, although +she is somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a man +his feelings, although he gets his hair from Truefitt's. + +Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most +illustrious personages of romance should be continued by fitting +hands, and that they should be heard of, until at least a decent +age.--Look at Mr. James's heroes: they invariably marry young. +Look at Mr. Dickens's: they disappear from the scene when they are +mere chits. I trust these authors, who are still alive, will see +the propriety of telling us something more about people in whom we +took a considerable interest, and who must be at present strong and +hearty, and in the full vigor of health and intellect. And in the +tales of the great Sir Walter (may honor be to his name), I am sure +there are a number of people who are untimely carried away from us, +and of whom we ought to hear more. + +My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind, +been one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so +admirable, so tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear +altogether before such another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen- +headed creature, who is, in my humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe, +and unworthy of her place as heroine. Had both of them got their +rights, it ever seemed to me that Rebecca would have had the +husband, and Rowena would have gone off to a convent and shut +herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken the trouble +of inquiring for her. + +But after all she married Ivanhoe. What is to be done? There is +no help for it. There it is in black and white at the end of the +third volume of Sir Walter Scott's chronicle, that the couple were +joined together in matrimony. And must the Disinherited Knight, +whose blood has been fired by the suns of Palestine, and whose +heart has been warmed in the company of the tender and beautiful +Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the side of such a frigid +piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim, niminy-piminy +Rowena? Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice! There is a +simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their +due, which is here submitted to the novel-reader. Ivanhoe's +history MUST have had a continuation; and it is this which ensues. +I may be wrong in some particulars of the narrative,--as what +writer will not be?--but of the main incidents of the history, I +have in my own mind no sort of doubt, and confidently submit them +to that generous public which likes to see virtue righted, true +love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy descend out of the blazing +chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make Harlequin and +Columbine happy. What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and ladies; +and if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping in +and out of endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting +scenes, no fairy comes down to make US comfortable at the close of +the performance? Ah! let us give our honest novel-folks the +benefit of their position, and not be envious of their good luck. + +No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as +the famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt +for a moment what was the result of the marriage between Sir +Wilfrid of Ivanhoe and Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her +conduct during her maidenhood, her distinguished politeness, her +spotless modesty of demeanor, her unalterable coolness under all +circumstances, and her lofty and gentlewomanlike bearing, must be +sure that her married conduct would equal her spinster behavior, +and that Rowena the wife would be a pattern of correctness for all +the matrons of England. + +Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for +piety was known. Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy +and monks of the district, whom she fed with the richest viands, +while she pinched herself upon pulse and water. There was not an +invalid in the three Ridings, Saxon or Norman, but the palfrey of +the Lady Rowena might be seen journeying to his door, in company +with Father Glauber, her almoner, and Brother Thomas of Epsom, her +leech. She lighted up all the churches in Yorkshire with wax- +candles, the offerings of her piety. The bells of her chapel began +to ring at two o'clock in the morning; and all the domestics of +Rotherwood were called upon to attend at matins, at complins, at +nones, at vespers, and at sermon. I need not say that fasting was +observed with all the rigors of the Church; and that those of the +servants of the Lady Rowena were looked upon with most favor whose +hair-shirts were the roughest, and who flagellated themselves with +the most becoming perseverance. + +Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or +cooled his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy +fool in England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the +shuddering poor servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below +the salt, it was such a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to +laugh at the innuendoes of the unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile +was the best applause he could muster. Once, indeed, when Guffo, +the goose-boy (a half-witted poor wretch), laughed outright at a +lamentably stale pun which Wamba palmed upon him at supper-time, +(it was dark, and the torches being brought in, Wamba said, "Guffo, +they can't see their way in the argument, and are going TO THROW A +LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,") the Lady Rowena, being disturbed +in a theological controversy with Father Willibald, (afterwards +canonized as St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit and confessor,) +called out to know what was the cause of the unseemly interruption, +and Guffo and Wamba being pointed out as the culprits, ordered them +straightway into the court-yard, and three dozen to be administered +to each of them. + +"I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle," said poor Wamba, +piteously, appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, "and canst thou not +save me from the lash?" + +"Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf's castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH +THE JEWESS IN THE TOWER!" said Rowena, haughtily replying to the +timid appeal of her husband. "Gurth, give him four dozen!" + +And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of +his master. + +In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the +royal blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort, +could scarcely call his life his own, and was made, in all things, +to feel the inferiority of his station. And which of us is there +acquainted with the sex that has not remarked this propensity in +lovely woman, and how often the wisest in the council are made to +be as fools at HER board, and the boldest in the battle-field are +craven when facing her distaff? + +"Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower," was a +remark, too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader +will understand, the significancy. When the daughter of Isaac of +York brought her diamonds and rubies--the poor gentle victim!--and, +meekly laying them at the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed +into foreign lands to tend the sick of her people, and to brood +over the bootless passion which consumed her own pure heart, one +would have thought that the heart of the royal lady would have +melted before such beauty and humility, and that she would have +been generous in the moment of her victory. + +But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being +handsome and more love-worthy than herself? The Lady Rowena did +certainly say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, "Come +and live with me as a sister," as the former part of this history +shows; but Rebecca knew in her heart that her ladyship's proposition +was what is called BOSH (in that noble Eastern language with which +Wilfrid the Crusader was familiar), or fudge, in plain Saxon; and +retired with a broken, gentle spirit, neither able to bear the sight +of her rival's happiness, nor willing to disturb it by the contrast +of her own wretchedness. Rowena, like the most high-bred and +virtuous of women, never forgave Isaac's daughter her beauty, nor +her flirtation with Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term it); +nor, above all, her admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena +was actually in possession of them. + +In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe's teeth. +There was not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made +to remember that a Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and +that a Christian lady of fashion could never forgive the insult. +For instance, if Gurth, the swineherd, who was now promoted to be a +gamekeeper and verderer, brought the account of a famous wild-boar +in the wood, and proposed a hunt, Rowena would say, "Do, Sir +Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you know your friends the Jews +can't abide them!" Or when, as it oft would happen, our lion- +hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a benevolence +from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists, or +extract some of the principal rabbis' teeth, Rowena would exult and +say, "Serve them right, the misbelieving wretches! England can +never be a happy country until every one of these monsters is +exterminated!" or else, adopting a strain of still more savage +sarcasm, would exclaim, "Ivanhoe my dear, more persecution for the +Jews! Hadn't you better interfere, my love? His Majesty will do +anything for you; and, you know, the Jews were ALWAYS SUCH +FAVORITES OF YOURS," or words to that effect. But, nevertheless, +her ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing Rebecca's jewels +at court, whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or at the York +assizes and ball, when she appeared there: not of course because +she took any interest in such things, but because she considered it +her duty to attend, as one of the chief ladies of the county. + +Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his +wishes, was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous +elevation, disappointed. Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so +in life! Many a garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and +green, which, when beheld closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady +walks melancholy and grass-grown; the bowers you would fain repose +in, cushioned with stinging-nettles. I have ridden in a caique +upon the waters of the Bosphorus, and looked upon the capital of +the Soldan of Turkey. As seen from those blue waters, with palace +and pinnacle, with gilded dome and towering cypress, it seemeth a +very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter the city, and it is but a +beggarly labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty alleys, where the ways +are steep and the smells are foul, tenanted by mangy dogs and +ragged beggars--a dismal illusion! Life is such, ah, well-a-day! +It is only hope which is real, and reality is a bitterness and a +deceit. + +Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe's high principles would never bring +himself to acknowledge this fact; but others did for him. He grew +thin, and pined away as much as if he had been in a fever under the +scorching sun of Ascalon. He had no appetite for his meals; he +slept ill, though he was yawning all day. The jangling of the +doctors and friars whom Rowena brought together did not in the +least enliven him, and he would sometimes give proofs of somnolency +during their disputes, greatly to the consternation of his lady. +He hunted a good deal, and, I very much fear, as Rowena rightly +remarked, that he might have an excuse for being absent from home. +He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a hermit; and +when he came back from Athelstane's (whither he would repair not +unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural +brilliancy of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be +sure, was sitting up for him. As for Athelstane, he swore by St. +Wullstan that he was glad to have escaped a marriage with such a +pattern of propriety; and honest Cedric the Saxon (who had been +very speedily driven out of his daughter-in-law's castle) vowed by +St. Waltheof that his son had bought a dear bargain. + +So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his +royal master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he +had squeezed from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all +the money which he could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince +began to make war against the French King, in Normandy and Guienne, +Sir Wilfrid pined like a true servant to be in company of the good +champion, alongside of whom he had shivered so many lances, and +dealt such woundy blows of sword and battle-axe on the plains of +Jaffa or the breaches of Acre. Travellers were welcome at +Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good King: and I +warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when Father +Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James's Chronykyll (which was +the paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of "another glorious +triumph"--"Defeat of the French near Blois"--"Splendid victory at +Epte, and narrow escape of the French King:" the which deeds of +arms the learned scribes had to narrate. + +However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left +the Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and +the more moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his +Gascony wine. Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail +hanging vacant on the wall, his banner covered with spider-webs, +and his sword and axe rusting there. "Ah, dear axe," sighed he +(into his drinking-horn)--"ah, gentle steel! that was a merry time +when I sent thee crashing into the pate of the Emir Abdul Melik as +he rode on the right of Saladin. Ah, my sword, my dainty headsman? +my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards! is the rust to eat +thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in battle? What +is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a cobweb for +a pennon? O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once more +thy voice in the front of the onset! Bones of Brian the Templar? +would ye could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we +might break another spear for honor and--and--" . . . + +"And REBECCA," he would have said; but the knight paused here in +rather a guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena +(as she chose to style herself at home) looked so hard at him out +of her china-blue eyes, that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading +his thoughts, and was fain to drop his own eyes into his flagon. + +In a word, his life was intolerable. The dinner hour of the +twelfth century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined +at ten o'clock in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum +under her canopy, embroidered with the arms of Edward the +Confessor, working with her maidens at the most hideous pieces of +tapestry, representing the tortures and martyrdoms of her favorite +saints, and not allowing a soul to speak above his breath, except +when she chose to cry out in her own shrill voice when a handmaid +made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of worsted. It was a +dreary life. Wamba, we have said, never ventured to crack a joke, +save in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and then Sir +Wilfrid Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but +hunted in silence, moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with +shaft and quarrel. + +Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless, +to join him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard, +with a score or two of lances. But the Earl of Huntingdon was a +very different character from Robin Hood the forester. There was +no more conscientious magistrate in all the county than his +lordship: he was never known to miss church or quarter-sessions; he +was the strictest game-proprietor in all the Riding, and sent +scores of poachers to Botany Bay. "A man who has a stake in the +country, my good Sir Wilfrid," Lord Huntingdon said, with rather a +patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat since the +King had taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong as an +elephant to mount him)--"a man with a stake in the country ought to +stay IN the country. Property has its duties as well as its +privileges, and a person of my rank is bound to live on the land +from which he gets his living." + +"'Amen!" sang out the Reverend ---- Tuck, his lordship's domestic +chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx, +who was as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his +handkerchief, and had his poll shaved and his beard curled every +day. And so sanctified was his Reverence grown, that he thought it +was a shame to kill the pretty deer, (though he ate of them still +hugely, both in pasties and with French beans and currant-jelly,) +and being shown a quarter-staff upon a certain occasion, handled it +curiously, and asked "what that ugly great stick was?" + +Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun +and spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come +and stay at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness +of that castle. But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself +such airs, and bored her so intolerably with stories of King Edward +the Confessor, that she preferred any place rather than Rotherwood, +which was as dull as if it had been at the top of Mount Athos. + +The only person who visited it was Athelstane. "His Royal Highness +the Prince" Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received +with royal honors. She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned +out with presented arms when he arrived; helped him to all +Ivanhoe's favorite cuts of the mutton or the turkey, and forced her +poor husband to light him to the state bedroom, walking backwards, +holding a pair of wax-candles. At this hour of bedtime the Thane +used to be in such a condition, that he saw two pair of candles and +two Ivanhoes reeling before him. Let us hope it was not Ivanhoe +that was reeling, but only his kinsman's brains muddled with the +quantities of drink which it was his daily custom to consume. +Rowena said it was the crack which the wicked Bois Guilbert, "the +Jewess's OTHER lover, Wilfrid my dear," gave him on his royal +skull, which caused the Prince to be disturbed so easily; but +added, that drinking became a person of royal blood, and was but +one of the duties of his station. + +Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man +to bear him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he +himself was every day more and more bent upon going, and he long +cast about for some means of breaking to his Rowena his firm +resolution to join the King. He thought she would certainty fall +ill if he communicated the news too abruptly to her: he would +pretend a journey to York to attend a grand jury; then a call to +London on law business or to buy stock; then he would slip over to +Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and so be with the +King before his wife knew that he was out of sight of Westminster +Hall. + +"Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo! +to a goose, plump, short, and to the point," said Wamba the Jester-- +who was Sir Wilfrid's chief counsellor and attendant--"depend on't +her Highness would bear the news like a Christian woman." + +"Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap," said Sir Wilfrid, in +a fine tone of high-tragedy indignation. "Thou knowest not the +delicacy of the nerves of high-born ladies. An she faint not, +write me down Hollander." + +"I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that +she will let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not +the matter too strongly," Wamba answered, knowingly. And this +Ivanhoe found to his discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast, +adopting a degage air, as he sipped his tea, he said, "My love, I +was thinking of going over to pay his Majesty a visit in Normandy." +Upon which, laying down her muffin, (which, since the royal Alfred +baked those cakes, had been the chosen breakfast cate of noble +Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered to her on a +salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)--"When do you +think of going, Wilfrid my dear?" the lady said; and the moment the +tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put +away, she set about mending his linen, and getting ready his +carpet-bag. + +So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him +as he had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the +Fool to say, "Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board, +who, when the boatswain flogged him, did cry out 'Oh!' wherever the +rope's-end fell on him: which caused Master Boatswain to say, +'Plague on thee, fellow, and a pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit +thee there is no pleasing thee.'" + +"And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring," +thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, "and mine is one that is ever +sore." + +So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and +a large woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife's own +white fingers had woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join +the King his master. Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a +series of prayers and blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord +mounted his charger, which his squires led to the door. "It was +the duty of the British female of rank," she said, "to suffer all-- +ALL in the cause of her sovereign. SHE would not fear loneliness +during the campaign: she would bear up against widowhood, +desertion, and an unprotected situation." + +"My cousin Athelstane will protect thee," said Ivanhoe, with +profound emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and +bestowing a chaste salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena +modestly said "she hoped his Highness would be so kind." + +Then Ivanhoe's trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket- +handkerchief: then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant +of the good Knight, Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner +(which was argent, a gules cramoisy with three Moors impaled +sable): then Wamba gave a lash on his mule's haunch, and Ivanhoe, +heaving a great sigh, turned the tail of his war-horse upon the +castle of his fathers. + +As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane +powdering along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his +great dray-horse of a charger. "Good-by, good luck to you, old +brick," cried the Prince, using the vernacular Saxon. "Pitch into +those Frenchmen; give it 'em over the face and eyes; and I'll stop +at home and take care of Mrs. I." + +"Thank you, kinsman," said Ivanhoe--looking, however, not +particularly well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train +of each took its different way--Athelstane's to Rotherwood, +Ivanhoe's towards his place of embarkation. + +The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and +as yellow as a lawyer's parchment; and having longed to quit home +any time these three years past, he found himself envying +Athelstane, because, forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which +symptoms of discontent being observed by the witless Wamba, caused +that absurd madman to bring his rebeck over his shoulder from his +back, and to sing-- + + + "ATRA CURA. + + "Before I lost my five poor wits, + I mind me of a Romish clerk, + Who sang how Care, the phantom dark, + Beside the belted horseman sits. + Methought I saw the griesly sprite + Jump up but now behind my Knight." + + +"Perhaps thou didst, knave," said Ivanhoe, looking over his +shoulder; and the knave went on with his jingle: + + + "And though he gallop as he may, + I mark that cursed monster black + Still sits behind his honor's back, + Tight squeezing of his heart alway. + Like two black Templars sit they there, + Beside one crupper, Knight and Care. + + "No knight am I with pennoned spear, + To prance upon a bold destrere: + I will not have black Care prevail + Upon my long-eared charger's tail, + For lo, I am a witless fool, + And laugh at Grief and ride a mule." + + +And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule's sides. + +"Silence, fool!" said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both +majestic and wrathful. "If thou knowest not care and grief, it is +because thou knowest not love, whereof they are the companions. +Who can love without an anxious heart? How shall there be joy at +meeting, without tears at parting?" ("I did not see that his honor +or my lady shed many anon," thought Wamba the Fool; but he was only +a zany, and his mind was not right.) "I would not exchange my very +sorrows for thine indifference," the knight continued. "Where +there is a sun, there must be a shadow. If the shadow offend me, +shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark? No! I am content +with my fate, even such as it is. The Care of which thou speakest, +hard though it may vex him, never yet rode down an honest man. I +can bear him on my shoulders, and make my way through the world's +press in spite of him; for my arm is strong, and my sword is keen, +and my shield has no stain on it; and my heart, though it is sad, +knows no guile." And here, taking a locket out of his waistcoat +(which was made of chain-mail), the knight kissed the token, put it +back under the waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and stuck +spurs into his horse. + +As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid +was making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on +the knight's part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to +the fool,) and so did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe's +pompous remarks. They travelled on by slow stages through the +whole kingdom, until they came to Dover, whence they took shipping +for Calais. And in this little voyage, being exceedingly sea-sick, +and besides elated at the thought of meeting his sovereign, the +good knight cast away that profound melancholy which had +accompanied him during the whole of his land journey. + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE LAST DAYS OF THE LION. + + +From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across +country to Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses +and the rest of his attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who +travelled not only as the knight's fool, but as his valet, and who, +perched on the roof of the carriage, amused himself by blowing +tunes upon the conducteur's French horn. The good King Richard +was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin, encamped before a little +place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a vassal of the +King's, was holding the castle against his sovereign with a +resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the +part of the Monarch with the Lion Heart. For brave and magnanimous +as he was, the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more +than another; and, like the royal animal whom he was said to +resemble, he commonly tore his adversary to pieces, and then, +perchance, had leisure to think how brave the latter had been. The +Count of Chalus had found, it was said, a pot of money; the royal +Richard wanted it. As the count denied that he had it, why did he +not open the gates of his castle at once? It was a clear proof +that he was guilty; and the King was determined to punish this +rebel, and have his money and his life too. + +He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those +instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the +place a score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been +beaten back on every occasion, until he was so savage that it was +dangerous to approach the British Lion. The Lion's wife, the +lovely Berengaria, scarcely ventured to come near him. He flung +the joint-stools in his tent at the heads of the officers of state, +and kicked his aides-de-camp round his pavilion; and, in fact, a +maid of honor, who brought a sack-posset in to his Majesty from the +Queen after he came in from the assault, came spinning like a +football out of the royal tent just as Ivanhoe entered it. + +"Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!" roared out the +infuriate King. "By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the +sack! By St. Wittikind, I will have her flayed alive. Ha, St. +George! ha, St. Richard! whom have we here?" And he lifted up his +demi-culverin, or curtal-axe--a weapon weighing about thirteen +hundredweight--and was about to fling it at the intruder's head, +when the latter, kneeling gracefully on one knee, said calmly, "It +is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe." + +"What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the +henpecked!" cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor, +flinging away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed +(it lighted three hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon, +who was smoking a cigar at the door of his tent, and caused that +redoubted warrior to limp for some days after). "What, Wilfrid my +gossip? Art come to see the lion's den? There are bones in it, +man, bones and carcasses, and the lion is angry," said the King, +with a terrific glare of his eyes. "But tush! we will talk of that +anon. Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for the King and the good +Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe. Thou art come in time, Wilfrid, +for, by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand assault +to-morrow. There will be bones broken, ha!" + +"I care not, my liege," said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign +respectfully, and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of +hypocras to his Highness's good health. And he at once appeared to +be taken into high favor; not a little to the envy of many of the +persons surrounding the King. + +As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty +before Chalus. Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the +castle, but it was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his +gallant garrison, that each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties +returning disconsolately to their tents, leaving behind them many +of their own slain, and bringing back with them store of broken +heads and maimed limbs, received in the unsuccessful onset. The +valor displayed by Ivanhoe in all these contests was prodigious; +and the way in which he escaped death from the discharges of +mangonels, catapults, battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling +oil, and other artillery, with which the besieged received their +enemies, was remarkable. After a day's fighting, Gurth and Wamba +used to pick the arrows out of their intrepid master's coat-of- +mail, as if they had been so many almonds in a pudding. 'Twas well +for the good knight, that under his first coat-of armor he wore a +choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly impervious to arrow-shots, +and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac of York, to whom he +had done some considerable services a few years back. + +If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated +failures of his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice +was blinded in the lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the +first to acknowledge the valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would +have given him a Peerage and the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a +dozen times in the course of the siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a +dozen storming parties, and with his own hand killed as many men +(viz, two thousand three hundred and fifty-one) within six, as were +slain by the lion-hearted monarch himself. But his Majesty was +rather disgusted than pleased by his faithful servant's prowess; +and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for his superior valor and +dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of hundreds of them +of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings host could +not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the royal +mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of +arms with an evil eye. Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King +that Sir Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill +more men than Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de +Toadhole said that Ivanhoe stated everywhere that his Majesty was +not the man he used to be; that pleasures and drink had enervated +him; that he could neither ride, nor strike a blow with sword or +axe, as he had been enabled to do in the old times in Palestine: +and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault, in which they had very +nearly carried the place, and in which onset Ivanhoe slew seven, +and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de Chalus, its +defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his banner +before the King's upon the wall; and only rescued himself from +utter disgrace by saving his Majesty's life several times in the +course of this most desperate onslaught. + +Then the luckless knight's very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected +readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men--nor was Ivanhoe +liked by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard. +His young Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the +pleasure-loving monarch. His Majesty would transact business in +the morning, then fight severely from after breakfast till about +three o'clock in the afternoon; from which time, until after +midnight, there was nothing but jigging and singing, feasting and +revelry, in the royal tents. Ivanhoe, who was asked as a matter of +ceremony, and forced to attend these entertainments, not caring +about the blandishments of any of the ladies present, looked on at +their ogling and dancing with a countenance as glum as an +undertaker's, and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst of the +festivities. His favorite resort and conversation were with a +remarkably austere hermit, who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus, +and with whom Ivanhoe loved to talk about Palestine, and the Jews, +and other grave matters of import, better than to mingle in the +gayest amusements of the court of King Richard. Many a night, when +the Queen and the ladies were dancing quadrilles and polkas (in +which his Majesty, who was enormously stout as well as tall, +insisted upon figuring, and in which he was about as graceful as an +elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe would steal away from the +ball, and come and have a night's chat under the moon with his +reverend friend. It pained him to see a man of the King's age and +size dancing about with the young folks. They laughed at his +Majesty whilst they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor +mimicked the royal mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe +ever could have laughed, he certainly would one night when the +King, in light-blue satin inexpressibles, with his hair in powder, +chose to dance the minuet de la cour with the little Queen +Berangeria. + +Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and +begin to sing. He was said to compose his own songs--words and +music--but those who have read Lord Campobello's "Lives of the Lord +Chancellors" are aware that there was a person by the name of +Blondel, who, in fact, did all the musical part of the King's +performances; and as for the words, when a king writes verses, we +may be sure there will be plenty of people to admire his poetry. +His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which he had stolen every +idea, to an air that was ringing on all the barrel-organs of +Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would say, "How +do you like that? I dashed it off this morning." Or, "Blondel, +what do you think of this movement in B flat?" or what not; and the +courtiers and Blondel, you may be sure, would applaud with all +their might, like hypocrites as they were. + +One evening--it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed-- +his Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a +quantity of his so-called composition, until the people were fairly +tired of clapping with their hands and laughing in their sleeves. +First he sang an ORIGINAL air and poem, beginning + + + "Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose, + Fresh and fair ones, who'll refuse?" &c. + + +The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the +day before yesterday. Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic +melody, of which the chorus was + + + "Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea, + For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be," &c. + + +The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except +Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until +the King questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said "he +thought he had heard something very like the air and the words +elsewhere." His Majesty scowled at him a savage glance from under +his red bushy eyebrows; but Ivanhoe had saved the royal life that +day, and the King, therefore, with difficulty controlled his +indignation. + +"Well," said he, "by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard +THIS song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath +after the melee. Did I not, Blondel?" + +Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty +had done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his +great red fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as +follows:-- + + + "COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL. + + "The Pope he is a happy man, + His Palace is the Vatican, + And there he sits and drains his can: + The Pope he is a happy man. + I often say when I'm at home, + I'd like to be the Pope of Rome. + + "And then there's Sultan Saladin, + That Turkish Soldan full of sin; + He has a hundred wives at least, + By which his pleasure is increased: + I've often wished, I hope no sin, + That I were Sultan Saladin. + + "But no, the Pope no wife may choose, + And so I would not wear his shoes; + No wine may drink the proud Paynim, + And so I'd rather not be him: + My wife, my wine, I love I hope, + And would be neither Turk nor Pope." + + +"Encore! Encore! Bravo! Bis!" Everybody applauded the King's +song with all his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved +his abominable gravity: and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite +whether he had heard that too, said firmly, "Yes, Roger de +Backbite; and so hast thou if thou darest but tell the truth." + +"Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again," bawled the +King in a fury, "if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may +I die in to-morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song. Sing +thyself, Wilfrid of the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could'st sing a good +song in old times." And with all his might, and with a forced +laugh, the King, who loved brutal practical jests, flung his guitar +at the head of Ivanhoe. + +Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an +elegant bow to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:-- + + + "KING CANUTE. + +"King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score, +Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing + more; +And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore. + +"'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps sedate, +Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks + great, +Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,--all the officers of state. + +"Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause, +If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped their + jaws; +If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws. + +"But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and + young: +Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen + sung, +Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her + tongue. + +"'Something ails my gracious master,' cried the Keeper of the Seal. +'Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?' +'Psha!' exclaimed the angry monarch. 'Keeper, 'tis not that I feel. + +"''Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest impair: +Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care? +Oh, I'm sick, and tired, and weary.'--Some one cried, 'The King's + arm-chair?' + +"Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded, +Straight the King's great chair was brought him, by two footmen + able-bodied; +Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded. + +"'Leading on my fierce companions,' cried be, 'over storm and brine, +I have fought and I have conquered! Where was glory like to mine?' +Loudly all the courtiers echoed: 'Where is glory like to thine?' + +"'What avail me all my kingdoms? Weary am I now, and old; +Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold; +Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould! + +"'Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites; +Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights; +Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights. + +"'Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires; +Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered + sires.'-- +Such a tender conscience,' cries the Bishop, 'every one admires. + +"'But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to + search, +They're forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church; +Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch. + +"'Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace's bounty + raised; +Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily praised: +YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I'm amazed!' + +"'Nay, I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near.' +'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a + tear). +'Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty year.' + +"'Live these fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to + suit. +'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute! +Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do't. + +"'Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela, +Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn't the King as well as + they?' +'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, 'fervently I trust he may.' + +"'HE to die?' resumed the Bishop. 'He a mortal like to US? +Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus: +Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus. + +"'With his wondrous skill in healing ne'er a doctor can compete, +Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet; +Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet. + +"'Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill, +And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still? +So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.' + +"'Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?' Canute cried; +'Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride? +If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide. + +"'Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?' +Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, 'Land and sea, my lord, are thine.' +Canute turned towards the ocean--'Back!' he said, 'thou foaming + brine + +"'From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat; +Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master's seat: +Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!' + +"But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar, +And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore; +Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore. + +"And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay, +But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey: +And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day. +King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway." + + +At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as +a sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some +affected to be asleep and snore outright. But Roger de Backbite +thinking to curry favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity, +his Majesty fetched him a knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear, +which, I warrant me, wakened Master Roger; to whom the King said, +"Listen and be civil, slave; Wilfrid is singing about thee.-- +Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but it is to the purpose, and I have +grown cool during thy homily. Give me thy hand, honest friend. +Ladies, good night. Gentlemen, we give the grand assault to-morrow; +when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall not be before mine."-- +And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty, retired into the +private pavilion. + + +CHAPTER III. + +ST. GEORGE FOR ENGLAND. + + +Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp +outside the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most +miserable plight that may be conceived. Hunger, as well as the +fierce assaults of the besiegers, had made dire ravages in the +place. The garrison's provisions of corn and cattle, their very +horses, dogs, and donkeys had been eaten up--so that it might well +be said by Wamba "that famine, as well as slaughter, had THINNED +the garrison." When the men of Chalus came on the walls to defend +it against the scaling-parties of King Richard, they were like so +many skeletons in armor; they could hardly pull their bowstrings at +last, or pitch down stones on the heads of his Majesty's party, so +weak had their arms become; and the gigantic Count of Chalus--a +warrior as redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard +Plantagenet himself--was scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe +upon the day of that last assault, when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran +him through the--but we are advancing matters. + +What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which +the Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his +heroic sons and garrison?--Nothing, but that Dante has already done +the business in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my +efforts might be considered as mere imitations. Why should I not, +if I were minded to revel in horrifying details, show you how the +famished garrison drew lots, and ate themselves during the siege; +and how the unlucky lot falling upon the Countess of Chalus, that +heroic woman, taking an affectionate leave of her family, caused +her large caldron in the castle kitchen to be set a-boiling, had +onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and salt made ready, to make a +savory soup, as the French like it; and when all things were quite +completed, kissed her children, jumped into the caldron from off a +kitchen stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel bed-gown? +Dear friends, it is not from want of imagination, or from having no +turn for the terrible or pathetic, that I spare you these details. +I could give you some description that would spoil your dinner and +night's rest, and make your hair stand on end. But why harrow your +feelings? Fancy all the tortures and horrors that possibly can +occur in a beleaguered and famished castle: fancy the feelings of +men who know that no more quarter will be given them than they +would get if they were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and +brought to trial by his Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then +let us rush on to the breach and prepare once more to meet the +assault of dreadful King Richard and his men. + +On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having +copiously partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and +advanced with his host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus. +Arthur de Pendennis bore his banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on +the King's right hand. Molyneux, Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed +crosier and mitre for that day, and though fat and pursy, panted up +the breach with the most resolute spirit, roaring out war-cries and +curses, and wielding a prodigious mace of iron, with which he did +good execution. Roger de Backbite was forced to come in attendance +upon the sovereign, but took care to keep in the rear of his august +master, and to shelter behind his huge triangular shield as much as +possible. Many lords of note followed the King and bore the +ladders; and as they were placed against the wall, the air was +perfectly dark with the shower of arrows which the French archers +poured out at the besiegers, and the cataract of stones, kettles, +bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery, umbrellas, congreve- +rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other missiles which the +desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party. The King +received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany +wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an +ox, and would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off +skilfully. Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them +like grass beneath the scythe of the mower. + +The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining +round: the King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount +them. Chalus stood in the breach, borrowing strength from despair; +and roaring out, "Ha! Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!" he +dealt the King a crack across the helmet with his battle-axe, which +shore off the gilt lion and crown that surmounted the steel cap. +The King bent and reeled back; the besiegers were dismayed; the +garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a shout of triumph: but it +was premature. + +As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in +tierce, which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him +through as clean as a spit does a partridge. Uttering a horrid +shriek, he fell back writhing; the King recovering staggered up the +parapet; the rush of knights followed, and the union-jack was +planted triumphantly on the walls, just as Ivanhoe,--but we must +leave him for a moment. + +"Ha, St. Richard!--ha, St. George!" the tremendous voice of the +Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset. At every +sweep of his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting +trunk tumbled, bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan. The world +hath never seen a warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet, +as he raged over the keep, his eyes flashing fire through the bars +of his morion, snorting and chafing with the hot lust of battle. +One by one les enfans de Chalus had fallen; there was only one left +at last of all the brave race that had fought round the gallant +Count:--only one, and but a boy, a fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed +boy! he had been gathering pansies in the fields but yesterday--it +was but a few years, and he was a baby in his mother's arms! What +could his puny sword do against the most redoubted blade in +Christendom?--and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of England, +and met him foot to foot! Turn away, turn away, my dear young +friends and kind-hearted ladies! Do not look at that ill-fated +poor boy! his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the +conqueror, and the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . . + +"Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges," said Bertrand de Gourdon, "the +butcher will never strike down yonder lambling! Hold thy hand, Sir +King, or, by St. Barbacue--" + +Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his +shoulder, the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the +next moment crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet. + +'Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon! Maddened by the pain +of the wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish +appetite for blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and +with a curse too horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal +butcher fell down on the blond ringlets of the child, and the +children of Chalus were no more! . . . + + +I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT +be done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as +in the battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one +of whose works this present masterpiece is professedly a +continuation, everything passes off agreeably--the people are +slain, but without any unpleasant sensation to the reader; nay, +some of the most savage and blood-stained characters of history, +such is the indomitable good-humor of the great novelist, become +amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a hearty sympathy--so, +if you please, we will have this fighting business at Chalus, and +the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon, disposed of; the +former, according to the usage of the good old times, having been +hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the manner +described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History. + +As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of +Bertrand de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero--and that from +that 29th of March he never robbed nor murdered any more. And we +have legends in recondite books of the manner of the King's death. + +"You must die, my son," said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as +Berengaria was carried shrieking from the King's tent. "Repent, +Sir King, and separate yourself from your children!" + +"It is ill jesting with a dying man," replied the King. "Children +have I none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me." + +"Richard of England," said the archbishop, turning up his fine +eyes, "your vices are your children. Ambition is your eldest +child, Cruelty is your second child, Luxury is your third child; +and you have nourished them from your youth up. Separate yourself +from these sinful ones, and prepare your soul, for the hour of +departure draweth nigh." + +Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England +met his death like a Christian man. Peace be to the soul of the +brave! When the news came to King Philip of France, he sternly +forbade his courtiers to rejoice at the death of his enemy. "It is +no matter of joy but of dolor," he said, "that the bulwark of +Christendom and the bravest king of Europe is no more." + + +Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left +in the act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus +through the body? + +As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse +of his fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a +dagger into his back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open +(for Sir Wilfrid had armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his +breast, not his back, that he was accustomed ordinarily to protect); +and when poor Wamba came up on the rampart, which he did when the +fighting was over,--being such a fool that he could not be got to +thrust his head into danger for glory's sake--he found his dear +knight with the dagger in his back lying without life upon the body +of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon slain. + +Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed! +How he lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend! +What mattered it to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to +his tent, and that Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive? At +another time the sight of this spectacle might have amused the +simple knave; but now all his thoughts were of his lord: so good, +so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so frank with the great, so tender to +the poor, so truthful of speech, so modest regarding his own merit, +so true a gentleman, in a word, that anybody might, with reason, +deplore him. + +As Wamba opened the dear knight's corselet, he found a locket round +his neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my +Lady Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black, +Wamba thought, as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight +had rescued in the lists of Templestowe. A bit of Rowena's hair +was in Sir Wilfrid's possession, too; but that was in his purse +along with his seal of arms, and a couple of groats: for the good +knight never kept any money, so generous was he of his largesses +when money came in. + +Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket +of hair round his master's neck, and when he returned to England +never said a word about the circumstance. After all, how should he +know whose hair it was? It might have been the knight's +grandmother's hair for aught the fool knew; so he kept his counsel +when he brought back the sad news and tokens to the disconsolate +widow at Rotherwood. + +The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed +sat by it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when, +seeing two suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he +fled in dismay, supposing that they were marauders who were out +searching for booty among the dead bodies; and having not the least +courage, he fled from these, and tumbled down the breach, and never +stopped running as fast as his legs would carry him, until he +reached the tent of his late beloved master. + +The news of the knight's demise, it appeared, had been known at his +quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden +off on his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much +as a shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and +blankets had been carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants. Who +had slain Ivanhoe? That remains a mystery to the present day; but +Roger de Backbite, whose nose he had pulled for defamation, and who +was behind him in the assault at Chalus, was seen two years +afterwards at the court of King John in an embroidered velvet +waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had worked for Ivanhoe, +and about which the widow would have made some little noise, but +that--but that she was no longer a widow. + +That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned, +for she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York +could supply, and erected a monument to his memory as big as a +minster. But she was a lady of such fine principles, that she did +not allow her grief to overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily +arising for uniting the two best Saxon families in England, by an +alliance between herself and the gentleman who offered himself to +her, Rowena sacrificed her inclination to remain single, to her +sense of duty; and contracted a second matrimonial engagement. + +That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with +life, and novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly +natural and edifying, can for a moment doubt. Cardinal Pandulfo +tied the knot for them: and lest there should be any doubt about +Ivanhoe's death (for his body was never sent home after all, nor +seen after Wamba ran away from it), his Eminence procured a Papal +decree annulling the former marriage, so that Rowena became Mrs. +Athelstane with a clear conscience. And who shall be surprised, if +she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane than with the +gentle and melancholy Wilfrid? Did women never have a predilection +for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with donkeys, +before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania? Ah! Mary, had +you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack +Bray, when a Michael Angelo offered? Ah! Fanny, were you not a +woman, would you persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and +comes home tipsy from the Club? Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times +more about tipsy Athelstane than ever she had done for gentle +Ivanhoe, and so great was her infatuation about the former, that +she would sit upon his knee in the presence of all her maidens, and +let him smoke his cigars in the very drawing-room. + +This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who +piqued himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the +death of her late lord:-- + + + Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus: + Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia + Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat: + Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit. + Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa, + Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani. + + +And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of +the Latin lines: + + + "REQUIESCAT. + + "Under the stone you behold, + Buried, and coffined, and cold, + Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold. + + "Always he marched in advance, + Warring in Flanders and France, + Doughty with sword and with lance. + + "Famous in Saracen fight, + Rode in his youth the good knight, + Scattering Paynims in flight. + + "Brian the Templar untrue, + Fairly in tourney he slew, + Saw Hierusalem too. + + "Now he is buried and gone, + Lying beneath the gray stone: + Where shall you find such a one? + + "Long time his widow deplored, + Weeping the fate of her lord, + Sadly cut off by the sword. + + "When she was eased of her pain, + Came the good Lord Athelstane, + When her ladyship married again." + + +Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last +line, but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane +interceded; and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +IVANHOE REDIVIVUS. + + +I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last +chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead. Because we have +given him an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons +that he should be really gone out of the world? No: as in the +pantomime, when we see Clown and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and +cry over him, we are always sure that Master Harlequin will be up +at the next minute alert and shining in his glistening coat; and, +after giving a box on the ears to the pair of them, will be taking +a dance with Columbine, or leaping gayly through the clock-face, or +into the three-pair-of-stairs' window:--so Sir Wilfrid, the +Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be run through a little, or +may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly rise up again when +he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment. + +The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no +cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no +other than Ivanhoe's friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of +his, who visited the scene of the late battle in order to see if +any Christians still survived there, whom they might shrive and get +ready for heaven, or to whom they might possibly offer the benefit +of their skill as leeches. Both were prodigiously learned in the +healing art; and had about them those precious elixirs which so +often occur in romances, and with which patients are so miraculously +restored. Abruptly dropping his master's head from his lap as he +fled, poor Wamba caused the knight's pate to fall with rather a +heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave had but stayed a minute +longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a deep groan. But +though the fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and to +recognize the gallant Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger still +sticking out of his back, to wash the wound with a portion of the +precious elixir, and to pour a little of it down his throat, was +with the excellent hermits the work of an instant: which remedies +being applied, one of the good men took the knight by the heels and +the other by the head, and bore him daintily from the castle to +their hermitage in a neighboring rock. As for the Count of Chalus, +and the remainder of the slain, the hermits were too much occupied +with Ivanhoe's case to mind them, and did not, it appears, give them +any elixir: so that, if they are really dead, they must stay on the +rampart stark and cold; or if otherwise, when the scene closes upon +them as it does now, they may get up, shake themselves, go to the +slips and drink a pot of porter, or change their stage-clothes and +go home to supper. My dear readers, you may settle the matter among +yourselves as you like. If you wish to kill the characters really +off, let them be dead, and have done with them: but, entre nous, I +don't believe they are any more dead than you or I are, and +sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable of truth in this +whole story. + +Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits' cell, and there doctored by +the holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and +dangerous order, that he was under medical treatment for a very +considerable time. When he woke up from his delirium, and asked +how long he had been ill, fancy his astonishment when he heard that +he had been in the fever for six years! He thought the reverend +fathers were joking at first, but their profession forbade them +from that sort of levity; and besides, he could not possibly have +got well any sooner, because the story would have been sadly put +out had he appeared earlier. And it proves how good the fathers +were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger de +Backbite's dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under +this great length of time; during the whole of which the fathers +tended him without ever thinking of a fee. I know of a kind +physician in this town who does as much sometimes; but I won't do +him the ill service of mentioning his name here. + +Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard, +which by this time hung down considerably below his knees, and +calling for his suit of chain-armor, which before had fitted his +elegant person as tight as wax, now put it on, and it bagged and +hung so loosely about him, that even the good friars laughed at his +absurd appearance. It was impossible that he should go about the +country in such a garb as that: the very boys would laugh at him: +so the friars gave him one of their old gowns, in which he +disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell of his +friends, set forth on his return to his native country. As he went +along, he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that +Prince Arthur had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted +with various other facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock's +Catechism and the Historic Page. + +But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own +private affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him, +and his pilgrim's staff shook with emotion, as at length, after +many perils, he came in sight of his paternal mansion of +Rotherwood, and saw once more the chimneys smoking, the shadows of +the oaks over the grass in the sunset, and the rooks winging over +the trees. He heard the supper gong sounding: he knew his way to +the door well enough; he entered the familiar hall with a +benedicite, and without any more words took his place. + + . . . . . . + +You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled +and his shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself +presently: nor could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered +his face. + +A little boy was playing on Athelstane's knee; Rowena smiling and +patting the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a +huge cup of spiced wine from a golden jug. He drained a quart of +the liquor, and, turning round, addressed the friar:-- + +"And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus +by the bolt of that felon bowman?" + +"We did, an it please you. The brothers of our house attended the +good King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian +ending!" + +"And didst thou see the archer flayed alive? It must have been +rare sport," roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke. "How +the fellow must have howled!" + +"My love!" said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty +white finger on his lip. + +"I would have liked to see it too," cried the boy. + +"That's my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt. And, friar, didst +see my poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe? They say he fought +well at Chalus!" + +"My sweet lord," again interposed Rowena, "mention him not." + +"Why? Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore--when you +could not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?" + +"Those times are past now, dear Athelstane," said his affectionate +wife, looking up to the ceiling. + +"Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena." + +"The odious hussy! don't mention the name of the unbelieving +creature," exclaimed the lady. + +"Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad--a thought melancholy and +milksop though. Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains." + +"Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance," said the friar. "I have +heard there was none better in Christendom. He lay in our convent +after his wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died. He +was buried in our north cloister." + +"And there's an end of him," said Athelstane. "But come, this is +dismal talk. Where's Wamba the Jester? Let us have a song. Stir +up, Wamba, and don't lie like a dog in the fire! Sing us a song, +thou crack-brained jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones. +Tush, man! There be many good fellows left in this world." + +"There be buzzards in eagles' nests," Wamba said, who was lying +stretched before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane's +dogs. "There be dead men alive, and live men dead. There be merry +songs and dismal songs. Marry, and the merriest are the saddest +sometimes. I will leave off motley and wear black, gossip +Athelstane. I will turn howler at funerals, and then, perhaps, I +shall be merry. Motley is fit for mutes, and black for fools. +Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is as cracked as my +brain." + +"Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating," the Thane said. + +And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side +and curled his lean shanks together and began:-- + + + "LOVE AT TWO SCORE. + + "Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin, + That never has known the barber's shear, + All your aim is woman to win-- + This is the way that boys begin-- + Wait till you've come to forty year! + + "Curly gold locks cover foolish brains, + Billing and cooing is all your cheer, + Sighing and singing of midnight strains + Under Bonnybells' window-panes. + Wait till you've come to forty year! + + "Forty times over let Michaelmas pass, + Grizzling hair the brain doth clear; + Then you know a boy is an ass, + Then you know the worth of a lass, + Once you have come to forty year. + + "Pledge me round, I bid ye declare, + All good fellows whose beards are gray: + Did not the fairest of the fair + Common grow, and wearisome, ere + Ever a month was passed away? + + "The reddest lips that ever have kissed, + The brightest eyes that ever have shone, + May pray and whisper and we not list, + Or look away and never be missed, + Ere yet ever a month was gone. + + "Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier, + How I loved her twenty years syne! + Marian's married, but I sit here, + Alive and merry at forty year, + Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine." + + +"Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?" +roared Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the +chorus. + +"It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst, +that you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we +knew King Richard. Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good +priest." + +"They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love," +said Rowena. "His Majesty hath taken him into much favor. My Lord +of Huntingdon looked very well at the last ball; but I never could +see any beauty in the Countess--a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they +used to call Maid Marian: though, for the matter of that, what +between her flirtations with Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, +really--" + +"Jealous again--haw! haw!" laughed Athelstane. + +"I am above jealousy, and scorn it," Rowena answered, drawing +herself up very majestically. + +"Well, well, Wamba's was a good song," Athelstane said. + +"Nay, a wicked song," said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. +"What! rail at woman's love? Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true +wife? Woman's love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it +would be a blasphemer were he not a fool. The well-born and well- +nurtured gentlewoman loves once and once only." + +"I pray you, madam, pardon me, I--I am not well," said the gray +friar, rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the +steps of the dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as +he rose, and casting his arms around the apparently fainting man, +he led him away into the court. "There be dead men alive and live +men dead," whispered he. "There be coffins to laugh at and +marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth, holy friar?" And when +they had got out into the solitary court, which was deserted by all +the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the drunken +revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt down, +and kissing the friar's garment, said, "I knew thee, I knew thee, +my lord and my liege!" + +"Get up," said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate: +"only fools are faithful." + +And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay +buried. All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester +lay outside watching as mute as the saint over the porch. + + +When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the +habit of wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice +was taken of his absence by a master and mistress who had not much +sense of humor. As for Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of +feelings could not be expected to remain in a house where things so +naturally disagreeable to him were occurring, and he quitted +Rotherwood incontinently, after paying a dutiful visit to the tomb +where his old father, Cedric, was buried; and hastened on to York, +at which city he made himself known to the family attorney, a most +respectable man, in whose hands his ready money was deposited, and +took up a sum sufficient to fit himself out with credit, and a +handsome retinue, as became a knight of consideration. But he +changed his name, wore a wig and spectacles, and disguised himself +entirely, so that it was impossible his friends or the public +should know him, and thus metamorphosed, went about whithersoever +his fancy led him. He was present at a public ball at York, which +the lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de Coverley in the very same +set with Rowena--(who was disgusted that Maid Marian took +precedence of her)--he saw little Athelstane overeat himself at the +supper and pledge his big father in a cup of sack; he met the +Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary meeting, where he seconded a +resolution proposed by that eminent divine;--in fine, he saw a +score of his old acquaintances, none of whom recognized in him the +warrior of Palestine and Templestowe. Having a large fortune and +nothing to do, he went about this country performing charities, +slaying robbers, rescuing the distressed, and achieving noble feats +of arms. Dragons and giants existed in his day no more, or be sure +he would have had a fling at them: for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid of +Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life which the hermits of Chalus +had restored to him, and felt himself so friendless and solitary +that he would not have been sorry to come to an end of it. Ah, my +dear friends and intelligent British public, are there not others +who are melancholy under a mask of gayety, and who, in the midst of +crowds, are lonely? Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi had +feelings; and there are others I wot of:--but psha!--let us have +the next chapter. + + +CHAPTER V. + +IVANHOE TO THE RESCUE. + + +The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of +Richard of the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his +relatives, his nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and +set forth clearly in the Historic Page: hence, although nothing, +except perhaps success, can, in my opinion, excuse disaffection to +the sovereign, or appearance in armed rebellion against him, the +loyal reader will make allowance for two of the principal +personages of this narrative, who will have to appear in the +present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their lord and +king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the fault +of Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly +punished, as you shall presently hear,) that the monarch +exasperated his subjects in a variety of ways,--that before he +murdered his royal nephew, Prince Arthur, there was a great +question whether he was the rightful king of England at all,--that +his behavior as an uncle, and a family man, was likely to wound the +feelings of any lady and mother,--finally, that there were +palliations for the conduct of Rowena and Ivanhoe, which it now +becomes our duty to relate. + +When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was +one of the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court +at once, and retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made +use of by her, and derogatory to the character of the sovereign, +were carried to the monarch's ears, by some of those parasites, +doubtless, by whom it is the curse of kings to be attended; and +John swore, by St. Peter's teeth, that he would be revenged upon +the haughty Saxon lady,--a kind of oath which, though he did not +trouble himself about all other oaths, he was never known to break. +It was not for some years after he had registered this vow, that he +was enabled to keep it. + +Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his +horrid designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir +Wilfrid would have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe +was, as we need scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the +custom and duty of all gentlemen of that profession to be present +on all occasions of historic interest, to be engaged in all +conspiracies, royal interviews, and remarkable occurrences: and +hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have rescued the young Prince, +had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of Rouen, where the foul +tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred leagues off, at +Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his bed as +crazy as a Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue +(which he had caught up during a previous illness in which he was +tended by a maiden of that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben +Isaacs, of whom, being a married man, he never would have thought, +had he been in his sound senses. During this delirium, what were +politics to him, or he to politics? King John or King Arthur was +entirely indifferent to a man who announced to his nurse-tenders, +the good hermits of Chalus before mentioned, that he was the +Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. +In a word, he only heard of what had occurred when he reached +England, and his senses were restored to him. Whether was he +happier, sound of brain and entirely miserable, (as any man would +be who found so admirable a wife as Rowena married again,) or +perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful Rebecca? I don't +know which he liked best. + +Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so +thorough a detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be +brought to take service under him; to get himself presented at St. +James's, or in any way to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, +the authority of the sanguinary successor of his beloved King +Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, I need scarcely say, who +got the Barons of England to league together and extort from the +king that famous instrument and palladium of our liberties at +present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury-- +the Magna Charta. His name does not naturally appear in the list +of Barons, because he was only a knight, and a knight in disguise +too: nor does Athelstane's signature figure on that document. +Athelstane, in the first place, could not write; nor did he care a +pennypiece about politics, so long as he could drink his wine at +home undisturbed, and have his hunting and shooting in quiet. + +It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of +every gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic +Page that this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into +open rebellion, along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. +It is recorded of the King, that he forbade every man to hunt his +own deer; and, in order to secure an obedience to his orders, this +Herod of a monarch wanted to secure the eldest sons of all the +nobility and gentry, as hostages for the good behavior of their +parents. + +Athelstane was anxious about his game--Rowena was anxious about her +son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all +Norman tyrants--the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the +ruffian who had murdered his own nephew?* The speeches of both +were brought to the King at York; and, furious, he ordered an +instant attack upon Rotherwood, and that the lord and lady of that +castle should be brought before him dead or alive. + + +*See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and Pinnock's +Catechism. + + +Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to +defend the castle against the royal party? A few thrusts from his +lance would have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host: a +few cuts from his sword would have put John's forces to rout. But +the lance and sword of Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. "No, be +hanged to me!" said the knight, bitterly, "THIS is a quarrel in +which I can't interfere. Common politeness forbids. Let yonder +ale-swilling Athelstane defend his--ha, ha--WIFE; and my Lady +Rowena guard her--ha, ha, ha--SON." And he laughed wildly and +madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked and gurgled out +the words "wife" and "son" would have made you shudder to hear. + +When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege, +Athelstane had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for +good, and not to come to life again as he had done before,) and +that the widow (if so the innocent bigamist may be called) was +conducting the defence of Rotherwood herself with the greatest +intrepidity, showing herself upon the walls with her little son, +(who bellowed like a bull, and did not like the fighting at all,) +pointing the guns and encouraging the garrison in every way--better +feelings returned to the bosom of the Knight of Ivanhoe, and +summoning his men, he armed himself quickly and determined to go +forth to the rescue. + +He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the +direction of Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for +refreshment, indeed, that his men dropped one by one upon the road, +and he arrived alone at the lodge-gate of the park. The windows +were smashed; the door stove in; the lodge, a neat little Swiss +cottage, with a garden where the pinafores of Mrs. Gurth's children +might have been seen hanging on the gooseberry-bushes in more +peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap of smoking ruins: cottage, +bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled together, destroyed by the +licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch! Far be it from me to +excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to their +sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared. + +Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and +expiring at the flaming and violated threshold of his lately +picturesque home. A catapult and a couple of mangonels had done +his business. The faithful fellow, recognizing his master, who had +put up his visor and forgotten his wig and spectacles in the +agitation of the moment, exclaimed, "Sir Wilfrid! my dear master-- +praised be St. Waltheof--there may be yet time--my beloved mistr-- +master Athelst . . ." He sank back, and never spoke again. + +Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue. +The castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the +besiegers were pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane's banner, +the bull rampant, was still on the northern bartizan. "An Ivanhoe, +an Ivanhoe!" he bellowed out, with a shout that overcame all the +din of battle: "Nostre Dame a la rescousse!" And to hurl his lance +through the midriff of Reginald de Bracy, who was commanding the +assault--who fell howling with anguish--to wave his battle-axe over +his own head, and cut off those of thirteen men-at-arms, was the +work of an instant. "An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!" he still shouted, +and down went a man as sure as he said "hoe!" + +"Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!" a shrill voice cried from the top of the +northern bartizan. Ivanhoe knew it. + +"Rowena my love, I come!" he roared on his part. "Villains! touch +but a hair of her head, and I . . ." + +Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang +forward wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and +over upon the knight. All was dark before him; his brain reeled; +it whizzed; something came crashing down on his forehead. St. +Waltheof and all the saints of the Saxon calendar protect the +knight! . . . + +When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances +were leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit's elixir. "We +arrived here the day after the battle," said the fool; "marry, I +have a knack of that." + +"Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with +your worship," said the lieutenant. + +"The day--after--the bat--" groaned Ivanhoe. "Where is the Lady +Rowena?" + +"The castle has been taken and sacked," the lieutenant said, and +pointed to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of +smoking ruins. Not a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not +a single human being! Everything was flame and ruin, smash and +murther! + +Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven +men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had +applied a second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he +came to life again. The good knight was, however, from long +practice, so accustomed to the severest wounds, that he bore them +far more easily than common folk, and thus was enabled to reach +York upon a litter, which his men constructed for him, with +tolerable ease. + +Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel +where he stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at +Rotherwood. A minute or two after his horse was stabbed, and +Ivanhoe knocked down, the western bartizan was taken by the +storming-party which invested it, and every soul slain, except +Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon horses and carried away, +under a secure guard, to one of the King's castles--nobody knew +whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the hotel-keeper (whose +house he had used in former times) to reassume his wig and +spectacles, and not call himself by his own name any more, lest +some of the King's people should lay hands on him. However, as he +had killed everybody round about him, there was but little danger +of his discovery; and the Knight of the Spectacles, as he was +called, went about York quite unmolested, and at liberty to attend +to his own affairs. + +We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero's +existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection, +and the description of mere sentiment is considered by many well- +informed persons to be tedious. What WERE his sentiments now, it +may be asked, under the peculiar position in which he found +himself? He had done his duty by Rowena, certainly: no man could +say otherwise. But as for being in love with her any more, after +what had occurred, that was a different question. Well, come what +would, he was determined still to continue doing his duty by her;-- +but as she was whisked away the deuce knew whither, how could he do +anything? So he resigned himself to the fact that she was thus +whisked away. + +He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to +find out where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of +intelligence; and it was remarked, that he still remained in a +perfect state of resignation. He remained in this condition for a +year, or more; and it was said that he was becoming more cheerful, +and he certainly was growing rather fat. The Knight of the +Spectacles was voted an agreeable man in a grave way; and gave some +very elegant, though quiet, parties, and was received in the best +society of York. + +It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived, +and the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney, +whom we have mentioned as Sir Wilfrid's man of business, and a most +respectable man, called upon his gallant client at his lodgings, +and said he had a communication of importance to make. Having to +communicate with a client of rank, who was condemned to be hanged +for forgery, Sir Roger de Backbite, the attorney said, he had been +to visit that party in the condemned cell; and on the way through +the yard, and through the bars of another cell, had seen and +recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe--and the +lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a note, written on a +piece of whity-brown paper. + +What were Ivanhoe's sensations when he recognized the handwriting +of Rowena!--he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as +follows:-- + + +"MY DEAREST IVANHOE,--For I am thine now as erst, and my first love +was ever--ever dear to me. Have I been near thee dying for a whole +year, and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena? Have ye +given to others--I mention not their name nor their odious creed-- +the heart that ought to be mine? I send thee my forgiveness from +my dying pallet of straw.--I forgive thee the insults I have +received, the cold and hunger I have endured, the failing health of +my boy, the bitterness of my prison, thy infatuation about that +Jewess, which made our married life miserable, and which caused +thee, I am sure, to go abroad to look after her. I forgive thee +all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee farewell. Mr. Smith hath +gained over my gaoler--he will tell thee how I may see thee. Come +and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt care for my +boy--HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent) combating +by the side of ROWENA." + + +The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe +was likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he +inquired of Mr. Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that +gentleman had devised for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was +informed that he was to get a barrister's gown and wig, when the +gaoler would introduce him into the interior of the prison. These +decorations, knowing several gentlemen of the Northern Circuit, Sir +Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with feelings of no small +trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space of a year, poor +Rowena had been immured. + +If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical +exactness of this narrative, I refer him to the "Biographie +Universelle" (article Jean sans Terre), which says, "La femme d'un +baron auquel on vint demander son fils, repondit, 'Le roi pense-t- +il que je confierai mon fils a un homme qui a egorge son neveu de +sa propre main?' Jean fit enlever la mere et l'enfant, et la +laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les cachots." + +I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing +this disagreeable sentence. All her virtues, her resolution, her +chaste energy and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and, +for the first time since the commencement of the history, I feel +that I am partially reconciled to her. The weary year passes--she +grows weaker and more languid, thinner and thinner! At length +Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a barrister of the Northern Circuit, is +introduced to her cell, and finds his lady in the last stage of +exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon, with her little boy in her +arms. She has preserved his life at the expense of her own, giving +him the whole of the pittance which her gaolers allowed her, and +perishing herself of inanition. + +There is a scene! I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with +this lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing +her with so sublime a death-bed. Fancy Ivanhoe's entrance--their +recognition--the faint blush upon her worn features--the pathetic +way in which she gives little Cedric in charge to him, and his +promises of protection. + +"Wilfrid, my early loved," slowly gasped she, removing her gray +hair from her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as +he nestled on Ivanhoe's knee--"promise me, by St. Waltheof of +Templestowe--promise me one boon!" + +"I do," said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that +little innocent the promise was intended to apply. + +"By St. Waltheof?" + +"By St. Waltheof!" + +"Promise me, then," gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, "that you +never will marry a Jewess?" + +"By St. Waltheof," cried Ivanhoe, "this is too much, Rowena!"--But +he felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the +pale lips ceased to quiver--she was no more! + + +CHAPTER VI. + +IVANHOE THE WIDOWER. + + +Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in +Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe +quitted a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in +which his stay was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that +King John would hang him, if ever he could lay hands on the +faithful follower of King Richard and Prince Arthur. + +But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a +brave and pious knight. A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched +field against the Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned +infidel, or a road to Paradise carved out by his scimitar,--these +were the height of the ambition of good and religious warriors; and +so renowned a champion as Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was sure to be +well received wherever blows were stricken for the cause of +Christendom. Even among the dark Templars, he who had twice +overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a respected +though not a welcome guest: but among the opposition company of the +Knights of St. John, he was admired and courted beyond measure; and +always affectioning that Order, which offered him, indeed, its +first rank and commanderies, he did much good service; fighting in +their ranks for the glory of heaven and St. Waltheof, and slaying +many thousands of the heathen in Prussia, Poland, and those savage +Northern countries. The only fault that the great and gallant, +though severe and ascetic Folko of Heydenbraten, the chief of the +Order of St. John, found with the melancholy warrior, whose lance +did such good service to the cause, was, that he did not persecute +the Jews as so religious a knight should. He let off sundry +captives of that persuasion whom he had taken with his sword and +his spear, saved others from torture, and actually ransomed the two +last grinders of a venerable rabbi (that Roger de Cartright, an +English knight of the Order, was about to extort from the elderly +Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal ring, which were all +the property he possessed. Whenever he so ransomed or benefited +one of this religion, he would moreover give them a little token or +a message (were the good knight out of money), saying, "Take this +token, and remember this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited, +for the services whilome rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter +of Isaac of York!" So among themselves, and in their meetings and +synagogues, and in their restless travels from land to land, when +they of Jewry cursed and reviled all Christians, as such abominable +heathens will, they nevertheless excepted the name of the Desdichado, +or the doubly-disinherited as he now was, the Desdichado-Doblado. + +The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir +Wilfrid took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping +off one heathen's head with an axe must be very like the +decapitation of any other unbeliever. Suffice it to say, that +wherever this kind of work was to be done, and Sir Wilfrid was in +the way, he was the man to perform it. It would astonish you were +you to see the account that Wamba kept of his master's achievements, +and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians, slain or maimed by his +hand. And as, in those days, a reputation for valor had an immense +effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even the ugliest man, were +he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by Beauty: so +Ivanhoe, who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming rather +elderly, made conquests over female breasts as well as over +Saracens, and had more than one direct offer of marriage made to him +by princesses, countesses, and noble ladies possessing both charms +and money, which they were anxious to place at the disposal of a +champion so renowned. It is related that the Duchess Regent of +Kartoffelberg offered him her hand, and the ducal crown of +Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued from the unbelieving Prussians; +but Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess's offer, by riding away from her +capital secretly at midnight and hiding himself in a convent of +Knights Hospitallers on the borders of Poland. And it is a fact +that the Princess Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most lovely +woman of her time, became so frantically attached to him, that she +followed him on a campaign, and was discovered with his baggage +disguised as a horse-boy. But no princess, no beauty, no female +blandishments had any charms for Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more +austere celibacy. The severity of his morals contrasted so +remarkably with the lax and dissolute manner of the young lords and +nobles in the courts which he frequented, that these young +springalds would sometimes sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but +his courage in the day of battle was so terrible and admirable, that +I promise you the youthful libertines did not sneer THEN; and the +most reckless of them often turned pale when they couched their +lances to follow Ivanhoe. Holy Waltheof! it was an awful sight to +see him with his pale calm face, his shield upon his breast, his +heavy lance before him, charging a squadron of heathen Bohemians, or +a regiment of Cossacks! Wherever he saw the enemy, Ivanhoe +assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him, and said if he +attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army, he would be +slain, "And suppose I be?" he answered, giving them to understand +that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over altogether. + + +While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was +carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen +the good cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians +had met with such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors +as had never been known in the proudest day of Saladin. + +Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is +known all over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle +of Alarcos, gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz, +on which fatal day Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it +was feared the Spanish peninsula would be entirely wrested away +from the dominion of the Cross. On that day the Franks lost +150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners. A man-slave sold among the +unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for the same; a sword, half a +dirhem; a horse, five dirhems. Hundreds of thousands of these +various sorts of booty were in the possession of the triumphant +followers of Yakoobal-Mansoor. Curses on his head! But he was a +brave warrior, and the Christians before him seemed to forget that +they were the descendants of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the +Moorish hounds (in their jargon) denominated the famous Campeador. + +A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain--a crusade +against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout +Europe by all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands +of valorous knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets +and vassals of the lower sort, trooped from all sides to the +rescue. The Straits of Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor, +passing from Barbary, first planted his accursed foot on the +Christian soil, were crowded with the galleys of the Templars and +the Knights of St. John, who flung succors into the menaced +kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed with their ships +hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and Byzantium, +from Jaffa and Ascalon. The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons and +glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into +Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia, +where Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the +news of the defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians, +Ivanhoe landed at Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors +forthwith. + +He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of +Heydenbraten, the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the +venerable Baldomero de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned +order of Saint Jago. The chief of Saint Jago's knights paid the +greatest respect to a warrior whose fame was already so widely +known in Christendom; and Ivanhoe had the pleasure of being +appointed to all the posts of danger and forlorn hopes that could +be devised in his honor. He would be called up twice or thrice in +a night to fight the Moors: he led ambushes, scaled breaches, was +blown up by mines; was wounded many hundred times (recovering, +thanks to the elixir, of which Wamba always carried a supply); he +was the terror of the Saracens, and the admiration and wonder of +the Christians. + +To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day's battle +was like that of another. I am not writing in ten volumes like +Monsieur Alexandre Dumas, or even in three like other great +authors. We have no room for the recounting of Sir Wilfrid's deeds +of valor. Whenever he took a Moorish town, it was remarked, that +he went anxiously into the Jewish quarter, and inquired amongst the +Hebrews, who were in great numbers in Spain, for Rebecca, the +daughter of Isaac. Many Jews, according to his wont, he ransomed, +and created so much scandal by this proceeding, and by the manifest +favor which he showed to the people of that nation, that the Master +of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and it is probable he would +have been cast into the Inquisition and roasted, but that his +prodigious valor and success against the Moors counterbalanced his +heretical partiality for the children of Jacob. + +It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona +in Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and +slaying, with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and +several hundred more of its unbelieving defenders. He had very +nearly done for the Alfaqui, or governor--a veteran warrior with a +crooked scimitar and a beard as white as snow--but a couple of +hundred of the Alfaqui's bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe +and their chief, and the old fellow escaped with his life, leaving +a handful of his beard in the grasp of the English knight. The +strictly military business being done, and such of the garrison as +did not escape put, as by right, to the sword, the good knight, Sir +Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part in the proceedings of the +conquerors of that ill-fated place. A scene of horrible massacre +and frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian warriors, hot +with victory and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be feared, +as savage in their hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies +had been. + +Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious +Knight of Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y +Espelon. Raging through the vanquished city like a demon, he +slaughtered indiscriminately all those infidels of both sexes whose +wealth did not tempt him to a ransom, or whose beauty did not +reserve them for more frightful calamities than death. The +slaughter over, Don Beltran took up his quarters in the Albaycen, +where the Alfaqui had lived who had so narrowly escaped the sword +of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure, the slaves, and the +family of the fugitive chieftain, were left in possession of the +conqueror of Xixona. Among the treasures, Don Beltran recognized +with a savage joy the coat-armors and ornaments of many brave and +unfortunate companions-in-arms who had fallen in the fatal battle +of Alarcos. The sight of those bloody relics added fury to his +cruel disposition, and served to steel a heart already but little +disposed to sentiments of mercy. + +Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was +seated in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui, +lying in his divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains +playing in the centre, the slaves of the Moor ministering to his +scarred and rugged Christian conqueror. Some fanned him with +peacocks' pinions, some danced before him, some sang Moor's +melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla, one--it was the only +daughter of the Moor's old age, the young Zutulbe, a rosebud of +beauty--sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping for her +slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were +blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for +her father, whose home had been thus made desolate. + +He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at +chess, a favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a +messenger was announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for +the ransom of the remaining part of the Alfaqui's family. A grim +smile lighted up Don Beltran's features as he bade the black slave +admit the messenger. He entered. By his costume it was at once +seen that the bearer of the flag of truce was a Jew--the people +were employed continually then as ambassadors between the two races +at war in Spain. + +"I come," said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid +start), "from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible +Don Beltran de Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor's only +daughter, the child of his old age and the pearl of his affection." + +"A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew. What does the Moorish dog +bid for her?" asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly. + +"The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their +caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and +rubies to the amount of 1,000,000 dinars." + +"Ho, slaves!" roared Don Beltran, "show the Jew my treasury of +gold. How many hundred thousand pieces are there?" And ten +enormous chests were produced in which the accountant counted 1,000 +bags of 1,000 dirhems each, and displayed several caskets of jewels +containing such a treasure of rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and +jacinths, as made the eyes of the aged ambassador twinkle with +avarice. + +"How many horses are there in my stable?" continued Don Beltran; +and Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully +caparisoned; and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for +as many cavaliers, who followed the banner of this doughty captain. + +"I want neither money nor armor," said the ferocious knight; "tell +this to the Alfaqui, Jew. And I will keep the child, his daughter, +to serve the messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my +scullions." + +"Deprive not the old man of his child," here interposed the Knight +of Ivanhoe; "bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant +in years." + +"She is my captive, Sir Knight," replied the surly Don Beltran; "I +will do with my own as becomes me." + +"Take 200,000 dirhems," cried the Jew; "more!--anything! The +Alfaqui will give his life for his child!" + +"Come hither, Zutulbe!--come hither, thou Moorish pearl!" yelled +the ferocious warrior; "come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of +heathenesse! Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?" + +"There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers +slew the Christian dogs!" said the proud young girl, looking boldly +at Don Beltran, who foamed with rage. + +"The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in +our castle of Murcia," Beltran said. + +"Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!" cried +the high-spirited girl. + +"By Saint Jago, this is too much!" screamed the infuriated +nobleman; and the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden +fell to the ground with Don Beltran's dagger in her side. + +"Death is better than dishonor!" cried the child, rolling on the +blood-stained marble pavement. "I--I spit upon thee, dog of a +Christian!" and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back +and died. + +"Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui," howled the Don, +spurning the beauteous corpse with his foot. "I would not have +ransomed her for all the gold in Barbary!" And shuddering, the old +Jew left the apartment, which Ivanhoe quitted likewise. + +When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew, +"Isaac of York, dost thou not know me?" and threw back his hood, +and looked at the old man. + +The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand, +then started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his +withered hands over his face, said, with a burst of grief, "Sir +Wilfrid of Ivanhoe!--no, no!--I do not know thee!" + +"Holy mother! what has chanced?" said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming +ghastly pale; "where is thy daughter--where is Rebecca?" + +"Away from me!" said the old Jew, tottering. "Away Rebecca is-- +dead!" + + . . . . . . + +When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell +to the ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly +distraught with grief. He took no nourishment and uttered no word. +For weeks he did not relapse out of his moody silence, and when he +came partially to himself again, it was to bid his people to horse, +in a hollow voice, and to make a foray against the Moors. Day +after day he issued out against these infidels, and did nought but +slay and slay. He took no plunder as other knights did, but left +that to his followers; he uttered no war-cry, as was the manner of +chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch that the "silent knight" +became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada and Andalusia, and +more fell by his lance than by that of any the most clamorous +captains of the troops in arms against them. Thus the tide of +battle turned, and the Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at +the great battle of Al Akab, called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the +Christians retrieved their defeat at Alarcos, and absolutely killed +half a milllion of Mahometans. Fifty thousand of these, of course, +Don Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it was remarked that the +melancholy warrior seemed somewhat more easy in spirits after that +famous feat of arms. + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE. + + +In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off +so many of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants +poured continual reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could +make no head against the Christian forces, and in fact came into +battle quite discouraged at the notion of meeting the dreadful +silent knight. It was commonly believed amongst them, that the +famous Malek Ric, Richard of England, the conqueror of Saladin, had +come to life again, and was battling in the Spanish hosts--that +this, his second life, was a charmed one, and his body inaccessible +to blow of scimitar or thrust of spear--that after battle he ate +the hearts and drank the blood of many young Moors for his supper: +a thousand wild legends were told of Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the +Morisco warriors came half vanquished into the field, and fell an +easy prey to the Spaniards, who cut away among them without mercy. +And although none of the Spanish historians whom I have consulted +make mention of Sir Wilfrid as the real author of the numerous +triumphs which now graced the arms of the good cause, this is not +in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that has always been +notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their debts of +gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes histories +of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making the +slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the +part taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction. Well, it must be +confessed, on the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers' +feats in those campaigns: but this is not the subject at present +under consideration. + +To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers, +that the monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily +enabled to besiege the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which +the Moors had in his dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of +those infidels under the command of their King Aboo Abdallah +Mahommed, son of Yakoobal-Mansoor. The Arabian historian El Makary +gives a full account of the military precautions taken by Aboo +Abdallah to defend his city; but as I do not wish to make a parade +of my learning, or to write a costume novel, I shall pretermit any +description of the city under its Moorish governors. + +Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls +great store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always +protected by the Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and +who were, as we very well know, the chief physicians, the chief +bankers, the chief statesmen, the chief artists and musicians, the +chief everything, under the Moorish kings. Thus it is not +surprising that the Hebrews, having their money, their liberty, +their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan domination, +should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath which +they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits. + +Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite--no +other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with +his daughter, soon after Ivanhoe's marriage, in the third volume of +the first part of this history. Isaac was respected by his people +for the money which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable +good qualities, her beauty, her charities, and her remarkable +medical skill. + +The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that +though she was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to +marry her, and install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of +York would not have objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages +were not uncommon between the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but +Rebecca firmly yet respectfully declined the proposals of the +prince, saying that it was impossible she should unite herself with +a man of a creed different to her own. + +Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this +chance of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed +among his people for a very strict character, and there were in his +family several rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct, +the old gentleman was silenced by this objection of Rebecca's, and +the young lady herself applauded by her relatives for her resolute +behavior. She took their congratulations in a very frigid manner, +and said that it was her wish not to marry at all, but to devote +herself to the practice of medicine altogether, and to helping the +sick and needy of her people. Indeed, although she did not go to +any public meetings, she was as benevolent a creature as the world +ever saw: the poor blessed her wherever they knew her, and many +benefited by her who guessed not whence her gentle bounty came. + +But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even +heard, appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of +both, that all the most desirable bachelors of the people were +ready to bid for her. Ambassadors came from all quarters to +propose for her. Her own uncle, the venerable Ben Solomons, with a +beard as long as a cashmere goat's, and a reputation for learning +and piety which still lives in his nation, quarrelled with his son +Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of Trebizond, and his son +Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each putting in a claim for +their cousin. Ben Minories came from London and knelt at her feet; +Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to dazzle her with the +latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben Jonah brought her +a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come back and be +Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague. + +Rebecca temporized as best she might. She thought her uncle was +too old. She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel +with each other, and offend their father by pressing their suit. +Ben Minories from London, she said, was too young, and Jochanan +from Paris, she pointed out to Isaac of York, must be a spendthrift, +or he would not wear those absurd waistcoats. As for Ben Jonah, she +said, she could not bear the notion of tobacco and Dutch herrings: +she wished to stay with her papa, her dear papa. In fine, she +invented a thousand excuses for delay, and it was plain that +marriage was odious to her. The only man whom she received with +anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with whom she +was very familiar. But Bevis had come to her with a certain token +that had been given to him by an English knight, who saved him from +a fagot to which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten was +about to condemn him. It was but a ring, with an emerald in it, +that Bevis knew to be sham, and not worth a groat. Rebecca knew +about the value of jewels too; but ah! she valued this one more than +all the diamonds in Prester John's turban. She kissed it; she cried +over it; she wore it in her bosom always and when she knelt down +at night and morning, she held it between her folded hands on her +neck. . . . Young Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than +the others; the rascal sold to the King of France a handsome ruby, +the very size of the bit of glass in Rebecca's ring; but he always +said he would rather have had her than ten thousand pounds: and very +likely he would, for it was known she would at once have a plum to +her fortune. + +These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great +family meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered +to choose a husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts +pointing out the great kindness which had been shown to her by her +father, in permitting her to choose for herself. One aunt was of +the Solomon faction, another aunt took Simeon's side, a third most +venerable old lady--the head of the family, and a hundred and +forty-four years of age--was ready to pronounce a curse upon her, +and cast her out, unless she married before the month was over. +All the jewelled heads of all the old ladies in council, all the +beards of all the family, wagged against her: it must have been an +awful sight to witness. + +At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak. "Kinsmen!" she said, +turning pale, "when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I +told you I would not wed but with one of my own faith." + +"She has turned Turk," screamed out the ladies. "She wants to be a +princess, and has turned Turk," roared the rabbis. + +"Well, well," said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, "let us hear +what the poor girl has got to say. Do you want to marry his royal +highness, Rebecca? Say the word, yes or no." + +Another groan burst from the rabbis--they cried, shrieked, +chattered, gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the +women, that she should reign over them a second Esther. + +"Silence," cried out Isaac; "let the girl speak. Speak boldly, +Rebecca dear, there's a good girl." + +Rebecca was as pale as a stone. She folded her arms on her breast, +and felt the ring there. She looked round all the assembly, and +then at Isaac. "Father," she said, in a thrilling low steady +voice, "I am not of your religion--I am not of the Prince Boabdil's +religion--I--I am of HIS religion." + +"His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?" cried Isaac. + +Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round +with dauntless eyes. "Of his," she said, "who saved my life and +your honor: of my dear, dear champion's. I never can be his, but I +will be no other's. Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they +long for. Take the dross, Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan, +and divide it among you, and leave me. I will never be yours, I +tell you, never. Do you think, after knowing him and hearing him +speak,--after watching him wounded on his pillow, and glorious in +battle" (her eyes melted and kindled again as she spoke these +words), "I can mate with such as you? Go. Leave me to myself. I +am none of yours. I love him--I love him. Fate divides us--long, +long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again. But I +love and bless him always. Yes, always. My prayers are his; my +faith is his. Yes, my faith is your faith, Wilfrid--Wilfrid! I +have no kindred more,--I am a Christian!" + +At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my +feeble pen would in vain endeavor to depict. Old Isaac staggered +back in a fit, and nobody took the least notice of him. Groans, +curses, yells of men, shrieks of women, filled the room with such a +furious jabbering, as might have appalled any heart less stout than +Rebecca's; but that brave woman was prepared for all; expecting, +and perhaps hoping, that death would be her instant lot. There was +but one creature who pitied her, and that was her cousin and +father's clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but thirteen, and had +only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and boo-hooing, as +she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and maledictions +of the elder Israelites. Ben Davids was madly in love with his +cousin (as boys often are with ladies of twice their age), and he +had presence of mind suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp +on the table, which illuminated the angry conclave; then, +whispering to Rebecca to go up to her own room and lock herself in, +or they would kill her else, he took her hand and led her out. + +From that day she disappeared from among her people. The poor and +the wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain. Had any +violence been done to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put +all Isaac's family to death; and besides, her old flame, Prince +Boabdil, would have also been exceedingly wrathful. She was not +killed then, but, so to speak, buried alive, and locked up in +Isaac's back-kitchen: an apartment into which scarcely any light +entered, and where she was fed upon scanty portions of the most +mouldy bread and water. Little Ben Davids was the only person who +visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to him about +Ivanhoe, and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how +true; and how he slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and +how he married a lady whom Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him, +but with whom she prayed he might be happy; and of what color his +eyes were, and what were the arms on his shield--viz, a tree with +the word "Desdichado" written underneath, &c. &c. &c.: all which +talk would not have interested little Davids, had it come from +anybody else's mouth, but to which he never tired of listening as +it fell from her sweet lips. + +So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don +Beltran de Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui's daughter of +Xixona, our dearest Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it +was in his rage and fury against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that +cavalier the falsehood which caused the knight so much pain and +such a prodigious deal of bloodshed to the Moors: and who knows, +trivial as it may seem, whether it was not that very circumstance +which caused the destruction in Spain of the Moorish power? + +Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that +Ivanhoe had cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it +from his employer; and he saved Rebecca's life by communicating the +intelligence, for the poor thing would have infallibly perished but +for this good news. She had now been in prison four years three +months and twenty-four days, during which time she had partaken of +nothing but bread and water (except such occasional tit-bits as +Davids could bring her--and these were few indeed; for old Isaac +was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had more than a pair of eggs +for his own and Davids' dinner); and she was languishing away, when +the news came suddenly to revive her. Then, though in the darkness +you could not see her cheeks, they began to bloom again: then her +heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and she kissed the ring +on her neck a thousand times a day at least; and her constant +question was, "Ben Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to besiege +Valencia?" She knew he would come: and, indeed, the Christians +were encamped before the town ere a month was over. + + . . . . . . + +And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that +dark scene of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat, +painted stone-color, that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of +light flashing out, as though they were preparing a most brilliant, +gorgeous, and altogether dazzling illumination, with effects never +before attempted on any stage. Yes, the fairy in the pretty pink +tights and spangled muslin is getting into the brilliant revolving +chariot of the realms of bliss.--Yes, most of the fiddlers and +trumpeters have gone round from the orchestra to join in the grand +triumphal procession, where the whole strength of the company is +already assembled, arrayed in costumes of Moorish and Christian +chivalry, to celebrate the "Terrible Escalade," the "Rescue of +Virtuous Innocence"--the "Grand Entry of the Christians into +Valencia"--"Appearance of the Fairy Day-Star," and "Unexampled +displays of pyrotechnic festivity." Do you not, I say, perceive +that we are come to the end of our history; and, after a quantity +of rapid and terrific fighting, brilliant change of scenery, and +songs, appropriate or otherwise, are bringing our hero and heroine +together? Who wants a long scene at the last? Mammas are putting +the girls' cloaks and boas on; papas have gone out to look for the +carriage, and left the box-door swinging open, and letting in the +cold air: if there WERE any stage-conversation, you could not hear +it, for the scuffling of the people who are leaving the pit. See, +the orange-women are preparing to retire. To-morrow their play- +bills will be as so much waste-paper--so will some of our +masterpieces, woe is me: but lo! here we come to Scene the last, +and Valencia is besieged and captured by the Christians. + + +Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard +of the Prophet? Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d'ye- +call'im, just as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de +Cuchillay &c.? Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks +of the inhabitants who are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and +by a little boy by the name of Ben Davids, who recognizes the +knight by his shield, finds Isaac of York egorge on a threshold, +and clasping a large back-kitchen key? Who but Ivanhoe--who but +Wilfrid? "An Ivanhoe to the rescue," he bellows out; he has heard +that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing. And who is +it that comes out of the house--trembling--panting--with her arms +out--in a white dress--with her hair down--who is it but dear +Rebecca? Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving an +immense banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with +a ham, which he happens to have in his pocket. . . . As for +Rebecca, now her head is laid upon Ivanhoe's heart, I shall not ask +to hear what she is whispering, or describe further that scene of +meeting; though I declare I am quite affected when I think of it. +Indeed I have thought of it any time these five-and-twenty years-- +ever since, as a boy at school, I commenced the noble study of +novels--ever since the day when, lying on sunny slopes of half- +holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and beautiful shapes of +knights and ladies were visible to me--ever since I grew to love +Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet's fancy, and longed to +see her righted. + +That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena's +promise extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess, +and a better Christian than Rebecca now was never said her +catechism. Married I am sure they were, and adopted little Cedric; +but I don't think they had any other children, or were subsequently +very boisterously happy. Of some sort of happiness melancholy is a +characteristic, and I think these were a solemn pair, and died +rather early. + + + + +THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. + +[FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.] + + +CHAPTER I. + + +It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular +than those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of +France was battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal +claims, merits, bravery, and popularity. First in the list we +place--His Royal Highness Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna +Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son of Louis XVI. The unhappy Prince, +when a prisoner with his unfortunate parents in the Temple, was +enabled to escape from that place of confinement, hidden (for the +treatment of the ruffians who guarded him had caused the young +Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the cocked-hat of the +Representative, Roederer. It is well known that, in the troublous +revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a considerable size. + +He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined +there for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping +thence to England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from +political hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London. He +must not be confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim +to be children of the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution. + +The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. In the year +1843 he held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a +forgotten district of London, called Belgrave Square. Many of the +nobles of France flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions +of the occupant of the throne; and some of the chiefs of the +British nobility--among whom may be reckoned the celebrated and +chivalrous Duke of Jenkins--aided the adventurous young Prince with +their counsels, their wealth, and their valor. + +The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas +Napoleon--a fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some +to be a Prince of the House of Gomersal. He argued justly that, as +the immediate relatives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to +compete for the crown which was their right, he, Prince John +Thomas, being next in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the +vacant imperial throne. And in support of his claim, he appealed +to the fidelity of Frenchmen and the strength of his good sword. + +His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious +wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired +to wrest from him. It does not appear that the sagacious monarch +was esteemed by his subjects, as such a prince should have been +esteemed. The light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather +weary than otherwise of his sway. They were not in the least +attached to his amiable family, for whom his Majesty with +characteristic thrift had endeavored to procure satisfactory +allowances. And the leading statesmen of the country, whom his +Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of entertaining any but +feelings of loyalty towards his house and person. + +It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe +(now nearly a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns, +was called upon to defend his crown. + +The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and +twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each--provisioned for a +considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were, +upon the palace of the Tuileries. Thus, should the mob attack it, +as in August 1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to +the ground in an hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from +foreign invasion. Another defence against the foreigners was the +state of the roads. Since the English companies had retired, half +a mile only of railroad had been completed in France, and thus any +army accustomed, as those of Europe now are, to move at sixty miles +an hour, would have been ennuye'd to death before they could have +marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the Alpine, or the Pyrenean +frontier upon the capital of France. The French people, however, +were indignant at this defect of communication in their territory, +and said, without the least show of reason, that they would have +preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions +of francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should +have been laid out in a more peaceful manner. However, behind his +forts, the King lay secure. + +As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the +strange events of the period, the actions, the passions of +individuals and parties engaged, we cannot better describe them +than by referring to contemporary documents, of which there is no +lack. It is amusing at the present day to read in the pages of the +Moniteur and the Journal des Debats the accounts of the strange +scenes which took place. + +The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court of the +Tuileries had been extremely gay. The three-and-twenty youngest +Princes of England, sons of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the +balls by their presence; the Emperor of Russia and family had paid +their accustomed visit; and the King of the Belgians had, as usual, +made his visit to his royal father-in-law, under pretence of duty +and pleasure, but really to demand payment of the Queen of the +Belgians' dowry, which Louis Philippe of Orleans still resolutely +declined to pay. Who would have thought that in the midst of such +festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of such quiet, +rebellion? + +Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this +repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to +the throne of Louis XVI. + +But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same +journal contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious +import; in which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was +easy to see the Government alarm. + +On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a +paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so +absurd did its contents seem. It ran as follows:-- + +"ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.! A letter from Calais tells us that a +strange personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we +believe) has been giving himself out to be the son of the +unfortunate Louis XVI. This is the twenty-fourth pretender of the +species who has asserted that his father was the august victim of +the Temple. Beyond his pretensions, the poor creature is said to +be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one or two old women, who +declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he does not make any +attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but waits until +heaven shall conduct him to it. + +"If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his +quarters in the palace of Charenton. + +"We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been +afloat (among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the +metropolis), that a notorious personage--why should we hesitate to +mention the name of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?--has entered +France with culpable intentions, and revolutionary views. The +Moniteur of this morning, however, confirms the disgraceful fact. +A pretender is on our shores; an armed assassin is threatening our +peaceful liberties; a wandering, homeless cut-throat is robbing on +our highways; and the punishment of his crime awaits him. Let no +considerations of the past defer that just punishment; it is the +duty of the legislator to provide for THE FUTURE. Let the full +powers of the law be brought against him, aided by the stern +justice of the public force. Let him be tracked, like a wild +beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one. But the sentence +has, ere this, been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has +been distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale- +houses and peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which +he lurks); and the Police have an easy means of tracking his +footsteps. + +"Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the +unfortunate young man. His attempt will only serve to show the +folly of the pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity, +admiration, reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which +we hold our beloved sovereign." + + +"SECOND EDITION! + +"CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE. + +"A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that +after a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 'Imperial Army,' in +a water-barrel, whither the latter had retreated, victory has +remained with the former. A desperate combat ensued in the first +place, in a hay-loft, whence the pretender was ejected with immense +loss. He is now a prisoner--and we dread to think what his fate +may be! It will warn future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson +which it is not likely to forget. Above all, it will set beyond a +doubt the regard, respect, admiration, reverence, and adoration +which we all feel for our sovereign." + + +"THIRD EDITION. + +"A second courier has arrived. The infatuated Crane has made +common cause with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of +Frenchmen. A detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit +of the pretender and his dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer! +Remember that it is our rights you guard, our homes which you march +to defend; our laws which are confided to the points of your +unsullied bayonets;--above all, our dear, dear sovereign, around +whose throne you rally! + +"Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th, remember your +watchword is Gemappes,--your countersign, Valmy." + + +"The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the +Tuileries this day. His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the +King of the French with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their +RR. HH. the Princes of Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of +the Order of the Blue Eagle." + + +"His Majesty passed a review of the Police force. The venerable +monarch was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and +disinterested body of men. Those cheers were echoed in all French +hearts. Long, long may our beloved Prince be among us to receive +them!" + + +CHAPTER II. + +HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III. + + +Sunday, February 30th. + +We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a +third pretender to the throne:-- + +"Is this distracted country never to have peace? While on Friday +we recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of +France; while on Saturday we were compelled to register the +culpable attempts of one whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer, +swindler, forger, burglar, and common pickpocket, to gain over +the allegiance of Frenchmen--it is to-day our painful duty to +announce a THIRD invasion--yes, a third invasion. The wretched, +superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has landed at Nantz, and +has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount the white +cockade. + +"Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor? Do we not repose +under the majestic shadow of the best of kings? Is there any name +prouder than that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of +our sovereign? Does not the whole French family adore their +father? Yes. Our lives, our hearts, our blood, our fortune, are +at his disposal: it was not in vain that we raised, it is not the +first time we have rallied round, the august throne of July. The +unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by this time; and the +martial court which shall be called upon to judge one infamous +traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another. Away +with both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal +to his race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the +other pretender. Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, +and the manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged! + +"One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the +descendant of Caroline of Naples. An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous! +An English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still +dancing in our royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of +Albion end?" + + +"The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police. The +usual heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked +younger than ever we saw him--ay, as young as when he faced the +Austrian cannon at Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes. + +"Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were +distributed to all the men. + +"The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three coaches- +and-four. They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of +Honor. This is significant." + + +"The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the +departments of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the +command of the troops. The Joinville regiment--Cavalerie de la +Marine--is one of the finest in the service." + + +"Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself +Duke of Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the +Pas de Calais." + + +"ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.--At the review of troops (Police) +yesterday, his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling +him by the ear, said, 'Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of +wine?' The old hero, smiling archly, answered, 'Sire, a brave man +can gain a cross any day of battle, but it is hard for him +sometimes to get a drink of wine.' We need not say that he had his +drink, and the generous sovereign sent him the cross and ribbon +too." + + +On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a +despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the +throne. In spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly +manifested, as appears from the following remarks of the Debats:-- + +"The courier from the Rhine department," says the Debats, "brings +us the following astounding Proclamation:-- + +"'Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one +and indivisible. We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of +the Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals, +generals, officers, and soldiers, greeting: + +"'Soldiers! + +"'From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon +you. The sun of Austerlitz has risen once more. The Guard dies, +but never surrenders. My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, +never shall droop till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame. + +"'Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile. +I have seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now +withering, and I have communed with the dead who repose beneath +them. They ask where are our children? Where is France? Europe +no longer glitters with the shine of its triumphant bayonets-- +echoes no more with the shouts of its victorious cannon. Who could +reply to such a question save with a blush?--And does a blush +become the cheeks of Frenchmen? + +"'No. Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame. +Come, as of old, and rally round my eagles! You have been subject +to fiddling prudence long enough. Come, worship now at the shrine +of Glory! You have been promised liberty, but you have had none. +I will endow you with the true, the real freedom. When your +ancestors burst over the Alps, were they not free? Yes; free to +conquer. Let us imitate the example of those indomitable myriads; +and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once more trample over her; +march in triumph into her prostrate capitals, and bring her kings +with her treasures at our feet. This is the liberty worthy of +Frenchmen. + +"'Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you; +and that England shall rank no more among the nations. I will have +a marine that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my +brave regiments will do the rest. Henceforth, the traveller in +that desert island shall ask, "Was it this wretched corner of the +world that for a thousand years defied Frenchmen?" + +"'Frenchmen, up and rally!--I have flung my banner to the breezes; +'tis surrounded by the faithful and the brave. Up, and let our +motto be, LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL OVER THE WORLD! + +"'NAPOLEON III. + +"'The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.' + + +"Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and +bloody adventurer holds out to our country. 'War all over the +world,' is the cry of the savage demon; and the fiends who have +rallied round him echo it in concert. We were not, it appears, +correct in stating that a corporal's guard had been sufficient to +seize upon the marauder, when the first fire would have served to +conclude his miserable life. But, like a hideous disease, the +contagion has spread; the remedy must be dreadful. Woe to those on +whom it will fall! + +"His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has +hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and +takes with him his Cavalerie de la Marine. It is hard to think +that the blades of those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the +bosoms of Frenchmen: but so be it: it is those monsters who have +asked for blood, not we. It is those ruffians who have begun the +quarrel, not we. WE remain calm and hopeful, reposing under the +protection of the dearest and best of sovereigns. + +"The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has +been seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the +Prefect of Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a +doubt, he has been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. +So may all incendiary enemies of our Government be overcome! + +"His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department +of the Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in +the disturbed districts of the Bocage and La Vendee. The foolish +young Prince, who has there raised his standard, is followed, we +hear, by a small number of wretched persons, of whose massacre we +expect every moment to receive the news. He too has issued his +Proclamation, and our readers will smile at its contents: + + +"'WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all +whom it may concern, greeting: + +"'After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the +banner of the lilies. Once more the white plume of Henri IV. +floats in the crest of his little son (petit fils)! Gallant +nobles! worthy burgesses! honest commons of my realm, I call upon +you to rally round the oriflamme of France, and summon the ban +arriereban of my kingdoms. To my faithful Bretons I need not +appeal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for an heirloom! To +the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects, their +father makes one last appeal. Come to me, my children! your errors +shall be forgiven. Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for +you. He promised it when, before my departure on this expedition, +I kissed his inviolable toe! + +"'Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The infamous +universities shall be abolished. Education shall no longer be +permitted. A sacred and wholesome inquisition shall be established. +My faithful nobles shall pay no more taxes. All the venerable +institutions of our country shall be restored as they existed before +1788. Convents and monasteries again shall ornament our country, +the calm nurseries of saints and holy women! Heresy shall be +extirpated with paternal severity, and our country shall be free +once more. + +"'His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under +the command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty's +youngest son, an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the +good work. His Grace the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of +Tuam, blessed their green banner before they set forth. Henceforth +may the lilies and the harp be ever twined together. Together we +will make a crusade against the infidels of Albion, and raze their +heretic domes to the ground. Let our cry be, Vive la France! down +with England! Montjoie St. Denis! + +"'BY THE KING. + +"'The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE. + The Marshal of France. . . POMADOUR DE L'AILE DE PIGEON. + The General Commander-in-Chief of the Irish Brigade in the service + of his Most Christian Majesty. . . DANIEL, PRINCE OF BALLYBUNION. + +'HENRI."' + + +"His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a +council of Ministers in the afternoon. Measures were concerted for +the instant putting down of the disturbances in the departments of +the Rhine and Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the +pretenders, they shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of +the Luxembourg: the apartments are already prepared, and the +officers at their posts. + +"The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the +diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being +attacked with illness, which compels them to stay at home." + + +"The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments." + + +"His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the +Tuileries." + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS.--HISTORICAL REVIEW. + + +We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a +few comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely +described in the print from which we have quoted. + +It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were +of a serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two +pretenders to the crown were considerable. They had their +supporters too in Paris--as what party indeed has not? and the +venerable occupant of the throne was in a state of considerable +anxiety, and found his declining years by no means so comfortable +as his virtues and great age might have warranted. + +His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate +reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, +now sprung up around him in vast numbers. The King's grandson, the +Prince Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen- +Schloppen, was the father of fourteen children, all handsomely +endowed with pensions by the State. His brother, the Count D'Eu, +was similarly blessed with a multitudinous offspring. The Duke of +Nemours had no children; but the Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and +Montpensier (married to the Princesses Januaria and Februaria, of +Brazil, and the Princess of the United States of America, erected +into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor Duff Green I.) +were the happy fathers of immense families--all liberally +apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely +subservient to his Majesty Louis Philippe. + +The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the +first instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his +Highness Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of Joinville was adored by the +nation, on account of his famous victory over the English fleet +under the command of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the +"Richard Cobden," of 120 guns, was taken by the "Belle-Poule" +frigate of 36; on which occasion forty-five other ships of war and +79 steam-frigates struck their colors to about one-fourth the +number of the heroic French navy. The victory was mainly owing to +the gallantry of the celebrated French horse-marines, who executed +several brilliant charges under the orders of the intrepid +Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their ordinary +modesty, claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of that +nation were present in the action, impartial history must award the +palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul. + +With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude +of the admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should +ensue, and fling them on the world once more. How could he support +so numerous a family? Considerable as his wealth was (for he was +known to have amassed about a hundred and thirteen billions, which +were lying in the caves of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite +insignificant, when divided among his progeny; and, besides, he +naturally preferred getting from the nation as much as his faithful +people could possibly afford. + +Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied, +is often more efficacious than the conqueror's sword, the King's +Ministers were anxious that he should devote a part of his savings +to the carrying on of the war. But, with the cautiousness of age, +the monarch declined this offer; he preferred, he said, throwing +himself upon his faithful people, who, he was sure, would meet, as +became them, the coming exigency. The Chambers met his appeal with +their usual devotion. At a solemn convocation of those legislative +bodies, the King, surrounded by his family, explained the +circumstances and the danger. His Majesty, his family, his +Ministers, and the two Chambers, then burst into tears, according +to immemorial usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling, swore +eternal fidelity to the dynasty and to France, and embraced each +other affectingly all round. + +It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred +Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas +Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and +fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,) +similarly quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of +Bordeaux. They were followed, according to their several political +predilections, by the various Ministers and dignitaries of the +State. The only Minister who remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers, +Prince of Waterloo (he had defeated the English in the very field +where they had obtained formerly a success, though the victory was +as usual claimed by the Irish Brigade); but age had ruined the +health and diminished the immense strength of that gigantic leader, +and it is said his only reason for remaining in Paris was because a +fit of the gout kept him in bed. + +The capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and cafes were +open as usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm: +confiding in their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded +people had nothing to fear. + +Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to +conciliate his people. He even went among them with his umbrella; +but they were little touched with that mark of confidence. He +shook hands with everybody; he distributed crosses of the Legion of +Honor in such multitudes, that red ribbon rose two hundred per cent +in the market (by which his Majesty, who speculated in the article, +cleared a tolerable sum of money). But these blandishments and +honors had little effect upon an apathetic people; and the enemy +of the Orleans dynasty, the fashionable young nobles of the +Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves perpetually, for fear (they +said) that they should be obliged to shake hands with the best of +kings; while the republicans adopted coats without button-holes, +lest they should be forced to hang red ribbons in them. The funds +did not fluctuate in the least. + +The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect. +The young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places +of public education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon, +"Liberty, equality, war all over the world!" flocked to his +standard in considerable numbers: while the noblesse naturally +hastened to offer their allegiance to the legitimate descendant of +Saint Louis. + +And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that +collected round the gallant Prince Henry! There was not a man in +his army but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at +morning and evening parade. The fantastic and effeminate but brave +and faithful troops were numbered off into different legions: there +was the Fleur-d'Orange regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the +Violet-Pomatum volunteers; the Eau-de-Cologne cavalry--according to +the different scents which they affected. Most of the warriors +wore lace ruffles; all powder and pigtails, as in the real days of +chivalry. A band of heavy dragoons under the command of Count +Alfred de Horsay made themselves conspicuous for their discipline, +cruelty, and the admirable cut of their coats; and with these +celebrated horsemen came from England the illustrious Duke of +Jenkins with his superb footmen. They were all six feet high. +They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers: they wore bags, +their hair slightly powdered, brilliant shoulder-knots, and cocked- +hats laced with gold. They wore the tight knee-pantaloon of +velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British infantry: and +their legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux, embracing +with tears their admirable leader on parade, said, "Jenkins, France +never saw such calves until now." The weapon of this tremendous +militia was an immense club or cane, reaching from the sole of the +foot to the nose, and heavily mounted with gold. Nothing could +stand before this terrific weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed +morions of the French cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly +crushed beneath them, had they ever met in mortal combat. Between +this part of the Prince's forces and the Irish auxiliaries there +was a deadly animosity. Alas, there always is such in camps! The +sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the children of Erin +had been subject to their devastating sway. + +The uniform of the latter was various--the rich stuff called corps- +du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower +habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them +tail-coats. The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at +the elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of +button, tape, and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the +alpeen, and the doodeen of the country--the latter a short but +dreadful weapon of offence. At the demise of the venerable +Theobald Mathew, the nation had laid aside its habit of temperance, +and universal intoxication betokened their grief; it became +afterwards their constant habit. Thus do men ever return to the +haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory over us! +The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an effeminate +race; they are represented by contemporary historians as being +passionately fond of FLYING KITES. Others say they went into +battle armed with "bills," no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated +that foreigners could never be got to accept them in lieu of their +own arms. The Princes of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by +the side of their young and royal chieftain, the Prince of +Ballybunion, fourth son of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald +Isle. + + +* Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on which +the French cavalry were mounted? + + +Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the +republican imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies, +were marching on the French capital. The Duke of Brittany, too, +confined in the lunatic asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a +protest against his captivity, which caused only derision in the +capital. Such was the state of the empire, and such the clouds +that were gathering round the Sun of Orleans! + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS. + + +It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo +misfortunes; and now, as then, he met them like a man. The Prince +of Joinville was not successful in his campaign against the +Imperial Pretender: and that bravery which had put the British +fleet to flight, was found, as might be expected, insufficient +against the irresistible courage of native Frenchmen. The Horse +Marines, not being on their own element, could not act with their +usual effect. Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling seas, they +were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne country. + +It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between +the troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for +both armies had reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought +underneath the walls. For some time nothing could dislodge the +army of Joinville, entrenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs. +Ruinart, Moet, and others; but making too free with the fascinating +liquor, the army at length became entirely drunk: on which the +Imperialists, rushing into the cellars, had an easy victory over +them; and, this done, proceeded to intoxicate themselves likewise. + +The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was +compelled with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and +Prince Napoleon remained master of the field of battle. It is +needless to recapitulate the bulletin which he published the day +after the occasion, so soon as he and his secretaries were in a +condition to write: eagles, pyramids, rainbows, the sun of +Austerlitz, &c., figured in the proclamation, in close imitation of +his illustrious uncle. But the great benefit of the action was +this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers of +Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army, +and made common cause with them. + +"Soldiers!" said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after +the action, "the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the +Eagle! Your colors are not changed. Ours floated on the walls of +Moscow--yours on the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious. +Soldiers of Joinville! we give you welcome, as we would welcome +your illustrious leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion. Let +him join us! We will march together against that perfidious enemy. + +"But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday's +glorious day! Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of +our native Champagne. Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and, +before we plunge into dissipation, that we have Rome still to +conquer! + +"Soldiers! Seltzer-water is good after too much drink. Wait +awhile, and your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water +country. Frenchmen! it lies BEYOND THE RHINE!" + +Deafening shouts of "Vive l'Empereur!" saluted this allusion of the +Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be +restored to them. The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince +of Joinville likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the +Prince's cause. The Journal des Debats did not know which way to +turn. In one paragraph it called the Emperor "a sanguinary tyrant, +murderer, and pickpocket;" in a second it owned he was "a +magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;" and, after +proclaiming "the brilliant victory of the Prince of Joinville," +presently denominated it a "funeste journee." + +The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to +march on Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and +requested to be paid for 300,000 bottles of wine. "Send three +hundred thousand more to the Tuileries," said the Prince, sternly: +"our soldiers will be thirsty when they reach Paris." And taking +Moet with him as a hostage, and promising Ruinart that he would +have him shot unless he obeyed, with trumpets playing and eagles +glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial army marched on their +triumphant way. + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE BATTLE OF TOURS. + + +We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours +against his advancing cousin, Henry V. His Royal Highness could +not march against the enemy with such a force as he would have +desired to bring against them; for his royal father, wisely +remembering the vast amount of property he had stowed away under +the Tuileries, refused to allow a single soldier to quit the forts +round the capital, which thus was defended by one hundred and +forty-four thousand guns (eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred +and thirty-two thousand men:--little enough, when one considers +that there were but three men to a gun. To provision this immense +army, and a population of double the amount within the walls, his +Majesty caused the country to be scoured for fifty miles round, and +left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass. When appealed to by +the inhabitants of the plundered district, the royal Philip +replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart bled for them--that +they were his children--that every cow taken from the meanest +peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that duty must +be done, that the interests of the country demanded the sacrifice, +and that in fact, they might go to the deuce. This the unfortunate +creatures certainly did. + +The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The Journal des +Debats stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the +Chambers sat--such as remained--and talked immensely about honor, +dignity, and the glorious revolution of July; and the King, as his +power was now pretty nigh absolute over them, thought this a good +opportunity to bring in a bill for doubling his children's +allowances all round. + +Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there +was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support +his famished troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to +ransack the next fifty miles in order to maintain them. He did so. +But the troops were not such as they should have been, considering +the enemy with whom they had to engage. + +The fact is, that most of the Duke's army consisted of the National +Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of "LA PATRIE EN +DANGER" having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted +by his Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of +food-consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that he +selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to +send forth against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers, +the lawyers, &c. Their parting with their families was very +affecting. They would have been very willing to recall their offer +of marching, but companies of stern veterans closing round them, +marched them to the city gates, which were closed upon them; and +thus perforce they were compelled to move on. As long as he had a +bottle of brandy and a couple of sausages in his holsters, the +General of the National Guard, Odillon Barrot, talked with +tremendous courage. Such was the power of his eloquence over the +troops, that, could he have come up with the enemy while his +victuals lasted, the issue of the combat might have been very +different. But in the course of the first day's march he finished +both the sausages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent, +and crest-fallen. + +It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver +Loire, that the armies sat down before each other, and the battle +was to take place which had such an effect upon the fortunes of +France. 'Twas a brisk day of March: the practised valor of Nemours +showed him at once what use to make of the army under his orders, +and having enfiladed his National Guard battalions, and placed his +artillery in echelons, he formed his cavalry into hollow squares on +the right and left of his line, flinging out a cloud of howitzers +to fall back upon the main column. His veteran infantry he formed +behind his National Guard--politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who +wished to retire under pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that +the regular troops would bayonet the National Guard if they gave +way an inch: on which their General, turning very pale, demurely +went back to his post. His men were dreadfully discouraged; they +had slept on the ground all night; they regretted their homes and +their comfortable nightcaps in the Rue St. Honore: they had luckily +fallen in with a flock of sheep and a drove of oxen at Tours the +day before; but what were these, compared to the delicacies of +Chevet's or three courses at Vefour's? They mournfully cooked +their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a most +wretched night. + +The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part +in better order. The noble cavalry regiments found a village in +which they made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins's Foot +taking possession of the kitchens and garrets of the buildings. +The Irish Brigade, accustomed to lie abroad, were quartered in some +potato fields, where they sang Moore's melodies all night. There +were, besides the troops regular and irregular, about three +thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed with scourging- +whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these reverend +men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the +operations of the regular forces. + +It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see +the alacrity with which Jenkins's regiment sprung up at the FIRST +reveille of the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices +almost menial for the benefit of their French allies. The Duke +himself set the example, and blacked to a nicety the boots of +Henri. At half-past ten, after coffee, the brilliant warriors of +the cavalry were ready; their clarions rung to horse, their banners +were given to the wind, their shirt-collars were exquisitely +starched, and the whole air was scented with the odors of their +pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs. + +Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri. "My +faithful Duke!" said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot, +"thou art always at THY POST." "Here, as in Wellington Street, +sire," said the hero, blushing. And the Prince made an appropriate +speech to his chivalry, in which allusions to the lilies, Saint +Louis, Bayard and Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not +spared. "Ho! standard-bearer!" the Prince concluded, "fling out my +oriflamme. Noble gents of France, your King is among you to-day!" + +Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking +whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara, +"Prince," he said, "the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the +French history--we will not deprive you of the honor of winning +this. You will please to commence the attack with your brigade." +Bending his head until the green plumes of his beaver mingled with +the mane of the Shetland pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland +trotted off with his aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses, +powerful grays, with which a dealer at Nantz had supplied them on +their and the Prince's joint bill at three months. + +The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in +their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their +beloved Prince. Their toilet was the work of a moment--a single +shake and it was done. Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced +headed by their Generals,--who, turning their steeds into a grass- +field, wisely determined to fight on foot. Behind them came the +line of British foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in +advance perfectly collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar. The +cavalry were on the right and left of the infantry, prepared to act +in pontoon, in echelon, or in ricochet, as occasion might demand. +The Prince rode behind, supported by his Staff, who were almost all +of them bishops, archdeacons, or abbes; and the body of ecclesiastics +followed, singing to the sound, or rather howl, of serpents and +trombones, the Latin canticles of the Reverend Franciscus O'Mahony, +lately canonized under the name of Saint Francis of Cork. + +The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in +presence--the National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade. +The white belts and fat paunches of the Guard presented a terrific +appearance; but it might have been remarked by the close observer, +that their faces were as white as their belts, and the long line of +their bayonets might be seen to quiver. General Odillon Barrot, +with a cockade as large as a pancake, endeavored to make a speech: +the words honneur, patrie, Francais, champ de bataille might be +distinguished; but the General was dreadfully flustered, and was +evidently more at home in the Chamber of Deputies than in the field +of war. + +The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech. +"Boys," said he, "we've enough talking at the Corn Exchange; +bating's the word now." The Green-Islanders replied with a +tremendous hurroo, which sent terror into the fat bosoms of the +French. + +"Gentlemen of the National Guard," said the Prince, taking off his +hat and bowing to Odillon Barrot, "will ye be so igsthramely +obleeging as to fire first." This he said because it had been said +at Fontenoy, but chiefly because his own men were only armed with +shillelaghs, and therefore could not fire. + +But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen: +for though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing +was the thing of all others they detested--the noise, and the kick +of the gun, and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to +them. "We won't fire," said Odillon Barrot, turning round to +Colonel Saugrenue and his regiment of the line--which, it may be +remembered, was formed behind the National Guard. + +"Then give them the bayonet," said the Colonel, with a terrific +oath. "Charge, corbleu!" + +At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was +heard, the National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and +with immense velocity, towards the foe. The fact is, that the line +regiment behind them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his +bayonet between the coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops +bounded forward with an irresistible swiftness. + +Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre. +The Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the +wind. The Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon +Barrot through the body, when he too was borne away in the swift +rout. They scattered tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles +without stopping. The Princes of Donegal and Connemara were taken +prisoners; but though they offered to give bills at three months, +and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their ransom, the offer was +refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the Duke of Nemours, +hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had been robbed of +their ready money by his troops, who had taken them prisoners, +caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and lent +them each a sum of money. How generous are men in success!--the +Prince of Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National +Guards, and thought his victory secure. He despatched a courier to +Paris with the brief words, "We met the enemy before Tours. The +National Guard has done its duty. The troops of the pretender are +routed. Vive le Roi!" The note, you may be sure, appeared in the +Journal des Debats, and the editor, who only that morning had +called Henri V. "a great prince, an august exile," denominated him +instantly a murderer, slave, thief, cut-throat, pickpocket, and +burglar. + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS. + + +But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British +infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade. Borne on with the hurry +of the melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with +running, and forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the +trifling bayonet-pricks which had impelled them to the charge, the +conquering National Guardsmen found themselves suddenly in presence +of Jenkins's Foot. + +They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep. + +"UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!" were the memorable words of the Duke +Jenkins, as, waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and +with a tremendous shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!-- +Down went plume and cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain, +down went grocer and tailor, under the long staves of the +indomitable English Footmen. "A Jenkins! a Jenkins!" roared the +Duke, planting a blow which broke the aquiline nose of Major Arago, +the celebrated astronomer. "St. George for Mayfair!" shouted his +followers, strewing the plain with carcasses. Not a man of the +Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower. + +"They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais," said the +Duke of Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass. "'Tis a pity +they will all be cut up in half an hour. Concombre! take your +dragoons, and do it!" "Remember Waterloo, boys!" said Colonel +Concombre, twirling his moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in +the sun, and the gallant hussars prepared to attack the Englishmen. + +Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the +havoc of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy's manoeuvre. +His people were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard, +and had made a tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell +out of his pocket, (it was used for signals in his battalion in +place of fife or bugle,) speedily called his scattered warriors +together. "Take the muskets of the Nationals," said he. They did +so. "Form in square, and prepare to receive cavalry!" By the time +Concombre's regiment arrived, he found a square of bristling +bayonets with Britons behind them! + +The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body. +"Halt!" said he to his men. + +"Fire!" screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the +National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off. +The hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not +return to the attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at +hand, prepared to charge upon them. + +The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. The Millefleur +regiment broke before Concombre's hussars instantaneously; the Eau- +de-Rose dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped +far out of reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne +lancers fainted to a man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing +its course, had actually reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp, +when the clergymen coming up formed gallantly round the oriflamme, +and the bassoons and serpents braying again, set up such a shout of +canticles, and anathemas, and excommunications, that the horses of +Concombre's dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in +their turn broke and fled. As soon as they turned, the Vendean +riflemen fired amongst them and finished them: the gallant +Concombre fell; the intrepid though diminutive Cornichon, his +major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la moelle, and the wife +of the fiery Navet was that day a widow. Peace to the souls of the +brave! In defeat or in victory, where can the soldier find a more +fitting resting-place than the glorious field of carnage? Only a +few disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre's regiment +reached Tours at night. They had left it but the day before, a +thousand disciplined and high-spirited men! + +Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands, +the intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and +charged the Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD +STEEL. The Frenchmen delivered a volley, of which a shot took +effect in Jenkins's cockade, but did not abide the crossing of the +weapons. "A Frenchman dies, but never surrenders," said Saugrenue, +yielding up his sword, and his whole regiment were stabbed, +trampled down, or made prisoners. The blood of the Englishmen rose +in the hot encounter. Their curses were horrible; their courage +tremendous. "On! on!" hoarsely screamed they; and a second +regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling, +grinding encounter. "A Jenkins, a Jenkins!" still roared the +heroic Duke: "St. George for Mayfair!" The Footmen of England +still yelled their terrific battle-cry, "Hurra, hurra!" On they +went; regiment after regiment was annihilated, until, scared at the +very trample of the advancing warriors, the dismayed troops of +France screaming fled. Gathering his last warriors round about +him, Nemours determined to make a last desperate effort. 'Twas +vain: the ranks met; the next moment the truncheon of the Prince of +Orleans was dashed from his hand by the irresistible mace of the +Duke Jenkins; his horse's shins were broken by the same weapon. +Screaming with agony the animal fell. Jenkins's hand was at the +Duke's collar in a moment, and had he not gasped out, "Je me +rends!" he would have been throttled in that dreadful grasp! + +Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments, +their baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands +of the victorious Duke. He had avenged the honor of Old England; +and himself presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince +Henri, who now came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his +neck and said, "Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint and you." +It was indeed a glorious victory: but what will not British valor +attain? + +The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris, +saying, "Sire, all is lost except honor!" was sent off in +confinement; and in spite of the entreaties of his captor, was +hardly treated with decent politeness. The priests and the noble +regiments who rode back when the affair was over, were for having +the Prince shot at once, and murmured loudly against "cet Anglais +brutal" who interposed in behalf of the prisoner. Henri V. granted +the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided by the advice of his +noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the illustrious +English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him to +supper that night. + +"Well!" said Jenkins, "I and my merry men can sup alone." And, +indeed, having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men, +they had wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable. The +prisoners (25,403) were all without difficulty induced to assume +the white cockade. Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready +sewn in their flannel-waistcoats, where they swore they had worn +them ever since 1830. This we may believe, and we will; but the +Prince Henri was too politic or too good-humored in the moment of +victory, to doubt the sincerity of his new subjects' protestations, +and received the Colonels and Generals affably at his table. + +The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies. +"Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre," said the Prince, "the +saints have won for us a great victory--the enemies of our religion +have been overcome--the lilies are restored to their native soil. +Yesterday morning at eleven o'clock the army under my command +engaged that which was led by his SERENE Highness the Duke de +Nemours. Our forces were but a third in number when compared with +those of the enemy. My faithful chivalry and nobles made the +strength, however, equal. + +"The regiments of Fleur-d'Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne +covered themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the +enemy's troops. Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of +my ecclesiastical friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round +my banner, and forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that +they were of the church militant indeed. + +"My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming +heroism--but why particularize when all did their duty? How +remember individual acts when all were heroes?" The Marshal of +France, Sucre d'Orgeville, Commander of the Army of H.M. Christian +Majesty, recommended about three thousand persons for promotion; +and the indignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be +imagined when it is stated that they were not even mentioned in the +despatch! + +As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they +wrote off despatches to their Government, saying, "The Duke of +Nemours is beaten, and a prisoner! The Irish Brigade has done it +all!" On which his Majesty the King of the Irish, convoking his +Parliament at the Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in +which he called Louis Philippe an "old miscreant," and paid the +highest compliments to his son and his troops. The King on this +occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan, Sir Gavan Duffy (whose +journals had published the news), and was so delighted with the +valor of his son, that he despatched him his order of the Pig and +Whistle (1st class), and a munificent present of five hundred +thousand pounds--in a bill at three months. All Dublin was +illuminated; and at a ball at the Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith +(Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely intoxicated, called out the +Lord Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they fought in the Phoenix +Park. Having shot the Right Reverend Bishop through the body, +Smithereens apologized. He was the same practitioner who had +rendered himself so celebrated in the memorable trial of the King-- +before the Act of Independence. + +Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides +towards Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for +extraordinary were the events preparing in that capital. + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE LEAGUER OF PARIS. + + +By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of +Henri V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the +Emperor John Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North. Skirmishes +took place between the advanced-guards of the two parties, and much +slaughter ensued. + +"Bon!" thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his +tower; "they will kill each other. This is by far the most +economical way of getting rid of them." The astute monarch's +calculations were admirably exposed by a clever remark of the +Prince of Ballybunion. "Faix, Harry," says he (with a familiarity +which the punctilious son of Saint Louis resented), "you and him +yandther--the Emperor, I mane--are like the Kilkenny cats, dear." + +"Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de +Ballybunion?" asked the Most Christian King haughtily. + +Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the +animals "ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that's what +you and Imparial Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are," +added the jocose and royal boy. + +"Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires," +answered Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like +a joke; but there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have +been well for his Most Christian Majesty had he followed the +facetious counsels of his Irish ally. + +The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the +garrisons of some of the forts, and expected all would declare for +him. However, of the twenty-four forts which we have described, +eight only--and by the means of Marshal Soult, who had grown +extremely devout of late years--declared for Henri, and raised the +white flag: while eight others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon +before them in the costume of his revered predecessor, at once +flung open their gates to him, and mounted the tricolor with the +eagle. The remaining eight, into which the Princes of the blood of +Orleans had thrown themselves, remained constant to Louis Philippe. +Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the Tuileries. His money +was there, and he swore he would remain by it. In vain his sons +offered to bring him into one of the forts--he would not stir +without his treasure. They said they would transport it thither; +but no, no: the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged +nose, and winking archly, said "he knew a trick worth two of that," +and resolved to abide by his bags. + +The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three +centimes. The Journal des Debats published three editions of +different tones of politics: one, the Journal de l'Empire, for +the Napoleonites; the Journal de la Legitimite another, very +complimentary to the Legitimate monarch; and finally, the original +edition, bound heart and soul to the dynasty of July. The poor +editor, who had to write all three, complained not a little that +his salary was not raised: but the truth is, that, by altering the +names, one article did indifferently for either paper. The Duke of +Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was always issuing +manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians took little +heed: the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was allowed +to be very witty at the expense of the three pretenders. + +As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the +respective Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the +forts, where there was plenty of provision; and, when once there, +they speedily began to turn out such of the garrison as were +disagreeable to them, or had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a +doubtful fidelity. These poor fellows turned into the road, had no +choice but starvation; as to getting into Paris, that was +impossible: a mouse could not have got into the place, so admirably +were the forts guarded, without having his head taken off by a +cannon-ball. Thus the three conflicting parties stood, close to +each other, hating each other, "willing to wound and yet afraid to +strike"--the victuals in the forts, from the prodigious increase of +the garrisons, getting smaller every day. As for Louis Philippe in +his palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing that a +spark from one might set them all blazing away, and that he and his +money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten minutes, you may +fancy his situation was not very comfortable. + +But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperialists nor +the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and +fifty billions in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to +fire upon that considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their +revered father. How was this state of things to end? The Emperor +sent a note to his Most Christian Majesty (for they always styled +each other in this manner in their communications), proposing that +they should turn out and decide the quarrel sword in hand; to which +proposition Henri would have acceded, but that the priests, his +ghostly counsellors, threatened to excommunicate him should he do +so. Hence this simple way of settling the dispute was impossible. + +The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in +the forts. Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were +subject to much petty persecution, to the no small anger of +Jenkins, their commander. And it must be confessed that these +intrepid Footmen were not so amenable to discipline as they might +have been. Remembering the usages of merry England, they clubbed +together, and swore they would have four meals of meat a day, wax- +candles in the casemates, and their porter. These demands were +laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast on Fridays; +on which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and they would +have had a FOURTH standard raised before Paris--viz., that of +England--but the garrison proving too strong for them, they were +compelled to lay down their sticks; and, in consideration of past +services, were permitted to leave the forts. 'Twas well for them! +as you shall hear. + +The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the +fort which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and +where they made themselves as comfortable as circumstances would +admit. The Princes had as much brandy as they liked, and passed +their time on the ramparts playing at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with +the halfpenny that one of them somehow had) for vast sums of money, +for which they gave their notes-of-hand. The warriors of their +legion would stand round delighted; and it was, "Musha, Master Dan, +but that's a good throw!" "Good luck to you, Misther Pat, and +throw thirteen this time!" and so forth. But this sort of inaction +could not last long. They had heard of the treasures amassed in +the palace of the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought of the +lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country. They panted +for war! They formed their plan. + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS. + + +On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis +Philippe was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing +that what the journal said about "Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the +Pretender Henri,"--"Chicken-pox raging in the Forts of the Traitor +Bonaparte,"--might be true, what was his surprise to hear the +report of a gun; and at the same instant--whiz! came an eighty- +four-pound ball through the window and took off the head of the +faithful Monsieur de Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of +muffins. + +"Three francs for the window," said the monarch; "and the muffins +of course spoiled!" and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly. +Ah, King Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window- +pane--more than a plate of muffins--it cost thee a fair kingdom and +fifty millions of tax-payers. + +The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. "Gracious heavens!" said +the commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, "What +has your Highness done?" "Faix," replied the other, "Donegal and I +saw a sparrow on the Tuileries, and we thought we'd have a shot at +it, that's all." "Hurroo! look out for squalls," here cried the +intrepid Hibernian; for at this moment one of Paixhans' shells fell +into the counterscarp of the demilune on which they were standing, +and sent a ravelin and a couple of embrasures flying about their +ears. + +Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort +Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly +replied by its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite +fort. On seeing this, Fort Twenty-two) occupied by the Imperialists, +began pummelling Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and +in a quarter of an hour the whole of this vast line of fortification +was in a blaze of flame, flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing, +bombing, in the most tremendous manner. The world has never perhaps, +before or since, heard such an uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand +guns thundering at each other. Fancy the sky red with the fires of +hundreds of thousands of blazing, brazen meteors; the air thick with +impenetrable smoke--the universe almost in a flame! for the noise of +the cannonading was heard on the peaks of the Andes, and broke three +windows in the English factory at Canton. Boom, boom, boom! +for three days incessantly the gigantic--I may say, Cyclopean +battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong! The air was thick with +cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each other in the heavens, +and fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into the very forts +from which they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong--brrwrrwrrr! + +On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke +permitted it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have +been heard (if the tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed +it) giving mysterious signs and countersigns. "Tom," was the word +whispered, "Steele" was the sibilated response. (It is astonishing +how, in the roar of elements, THE HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!) +It was the Irish Brigade assembling. "Now or never, boys!" said +their leaders; and sticking their doodeens into their mouths, they +dropped stealthily into the trenches, heedless of the broken glass +and sword-blades; rose from those trenches; formed in silent order; +and marched to Paris. They knew they could arrive there unobserved-- +nobody, indeed, remarked their absence. + +The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves +at their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which +Arnal performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new +feuilleton by Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader +so fascinated to the journal, that they did not care in the least +for the vacarme without the walls. + + +CHAPTER IX. + +LOUIS XVII. + + +The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the +inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it +may be remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined. +His majesty of demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of +his pretensions, had not failed to strike with awe and respect his +four thousand comrades of captivity. The Emperor of China, the +Princess of the Moon, Julius Caesar, Saint Genevieve, the patron +saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome, the Cacique of Mexico, and +several singular and illustrious personages who happened to be +confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.; and all agreed +that now or never was the time to support his legitimate pretensions +to the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around them, they +howled with furious delight in response. They took counsel +together: Dr. Pinel and the infamous jailers, who, under the name of +keepers, held them in horrible captivity, were pounced upon and +overcome in a twinkling. The strait-waistcoats were taken off from +the wretched captives languishing in the dungeons; the guardians +were invested in these shameful garments, and with triumphant +laughter plunged under the Douches. The gates of the prison were +flung open, and they marched forth in the blackness of the storm! + + . . . . . . + +On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a +gun went off fitfully now and then. + + . . . . . . + +On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, "Tiens! ils +sont fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!"--and why? Because there +was no more powder?--Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder. + +There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more +forts, no more nothing. THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP. The +battle-roar ceased. The battle-clouds rolled off. The silver +moon, the twinkling stars, looked blandly down from the serene +azure,--and all was peace--stillness--the stillness of death. +Holy, holy silence! + +Yes: the battle of Paris was over. And where were the combatants? +All gone--not one left!--And where was Louis Philippe? The +venerable Prince was a captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade +was encamped around it: they had reached the palace a little too +late; it was already occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis +XVII. + +That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to +the Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. They burst through +the feeble barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the +kingly halls of the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on +the throne of his ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal +des Debats, of the fifth of November; an important article, which +proclaimed that the civil war was concluded:-- + +"The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are +at an end. Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which +agitated the bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of +Civilization, may now rest in peace. That monarch whom we have +long been sighing for; whose image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how +passionately worshipped, in every French heart, is with us once +more. Blessings be on him; blessings--a thousand blessings upon +the happy country which is at length restored to his beneficent, +his legitimate, his reasonable sway! + +"His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his +palace of the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies. His +Royal Highness the Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as +Lieutenant-General of the kingdom, and will return speedily to take +up his abode at the Palais Royal. It is a great mercy that the +children of his Royal Highness, who happened to be in the late +forts round Paris, (before the bombardment which has so happily +ended in their destruction,) had returned to their father before +the commencement of the cannonading. They will continue, as +heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the +throne. + +"None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch's +proclamation. + +"'Louis, by &c.-- + +"'My children! After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of +captivity, I am restored to you. The cycle of events predicted by +the ancient Magi, and the planetary convolutions mentioned in the +lost Sibylline books, have fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, +and ended (as always in the depths of my dungeons I confidently +expected) in the triumph of the good Angel, and the utter +discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon. + +"'When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced +their hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by--in my palace of +Charenton, three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in +the ring of Saturn--I witnessed your misery. My heart was affected +by it, and I said, "Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the +signs of the Zodiac mere astronomers' prattle?" + +"'I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr. +Pinel. The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive. I summoned +my allies round about me. The high contracting Powers came to my +bidding: monarchs from all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the +Moon and other illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the +pale imprisoned genii. I whispered the mystic sign, and the doors +flew open. We entered Paris in triumph, by the Charenton bridge. +Our luggage was not examined at the Octroi. The bottle-green ones +were scared at our shouts, and retreated, howling: they knew us, +and trembled. + +"'My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me. I have a +friend in Turkey--the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a +Protestant once--Lord Brougham by name. I have sent to him to +legislate for us: he is wise in the law, and astrology, and all +sciences; he shall aid my Ministers in their councils. I have +written to him by the post. There shall be no more infamous mad- +houses in France, where poor souls shiver in strait-waistcoats. + +"'I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was in his +counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned +me. He gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to +use it. Taught by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I +a miser. I will endow the land with noble institutions instead of +diabolical forts. I will have no more cannon founded. They are a +curse and shall be melted--the iron ones into railroads; the bronze +ones into statues of beautiful saints, angels, and wise men; the +copper ones into money, to be distributed among my poor. I was +poor once, and I love them. + +"'There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no +more passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more +physic. + +"'My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I will it. I am +the king. + +(Signed) 'Louis.'" + + +"Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the +English Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first +about to sack the city, but on hearing that the banner of the +lilies was once more raised in France, the Duke hastened to the +Tuileries, and offered his allegiance to his Majesty. It was +accepted: and the Plush Guard has been established in place of the +Swiss, who waited on former sovereigns." + + +"The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our +service. Their commander states that they took every one of the +forts round Paris, and having blown them up, were proceeding to +release Louis XVII., when they found that august monarch, happily, +free. News of their glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin, +to his Majesty the King of the Irish. It will be a new laurel to +add to his green crown!" + + +And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great +French Revolution of 1884. It records the actions of great and +various characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates +wonderful reverses of fortune; it affords the moralist scope for +his philosophy; perhaps it gives amusement to the merely idle +reader. Nor must the latter imagine, because there is not a +precise moral affixed to the story, that its tendency is otherwise +than good. He is a poor reader, for whom his author is obliged to +supply a moral application. It is well in spelling-books and for +children; it is needless for the reflecting spirit. The drama of +Punch himself is not moral: but that drama has had audiences all +over the world. Happy he, who in our dark times can cause a smile! +Let us laugh then, and gladden in the sunshine, though it be but as +the ray upon the pool, that flickers only over the cold black +depths below! + + + + +COX'S DIARY. + +THE ANNOUNCEMENT. + + +On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in +the neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a +business, both in the shaving and cutting line, established three- +and-thirty years; of a girl and boy respectively of the ages of +eighteen and thirteen; of a three-windowed front, both to my first +and second pair; of a young foreman, my present partner, Mr. +Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated mixture for the human hair, +invented by my late uncle, and called Cox's Bohemian Balsam of +Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and three-and-nine. The +balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established cutting and shaving +business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I had my girl, +Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge, plaited +her hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of +patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was +my hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one +another, would one day be joined together in Hyming, and, +conjointly with my son Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers +when their father was either dead or a gentleman: for a gentleman +me and Mrs. C. determined I should be. + +Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections: +though her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. +Mr. Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the +"Pigtail and Sparrow," in the Whitechapel Road; from which place I +married her; being myself very fond of the article, and especially +when she served it to me--the dear thing! + +Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her, +I am proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my +house, and my Bohemian balsam to support her!--and we had hopes +from her uncle, a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left +this country sixty years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the +head of a great house in India, and was worth millions, we were +told. + +Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my +lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of +Budgurow and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over +his shares to his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in +England, at Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy +himself. Soon after, my wife took her daughter in her hand and +went, as in duty bound, to visit her uncle: but whether it was that +he was proud and surly, or she somewhat sharp in her way, (the dear +girl fears nobody, let me have you to know,) a desperate quarrel +took place between them; and from that day to the day of his death, +he never set eyes on her. All that he would condescend to do, was +to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in the course of the +year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by us. All the +neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, for +Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the +connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the +valet; Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, +willingly enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, +but never in my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once: when he said +"Oh, the barber!" tossed up his nose, and passed on. + +One day--one famous day last January--all our Market was thrown +into a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than +three vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, +Tug, and Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner +(it being Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a +bottle of port, and was longing that there should be a mistletoe- +bough: at which proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a +glass of negus):--we had just, I say, finished the port, when, all +of a sudden, Tug bellows out, "La, Pa, here's uncle Tuggeridge's +housekeeper in a cab!" + +And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough--Mrs. Breadbasket in deep +mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the +back shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else +in the world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and +vowed it was very kind of her to come. "La, mem," says Mrs. B., +"I'm sure I'd do anything to serve your family, for the sake of +that poor dear Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone." + +"That's what?" cries my wife. + +"What, gone?" cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little +girls will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very +rueful, and ready to cry too. + +"Yes, gaw--" Just as she was at this very "gaw" Tug roars out, +"La, Pa! here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!" + +It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped +suddenly back into the parlor with my ladies. "What is it, Mr. +Bar?" says I; and as quick as thought, I had the towel under his +chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, and the whole of his face in a +beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made some resistance.--"Don't +think of it, Mr. Cox," says he; "don't trouble yourself, sir." But +I lathered away and never minded. "And what's this melancholy +event, sir," says I, "that has spread desolation in your family's +bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your loss." + +I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not +because Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him. + +Mr. Bar was just about to speak. "Yes, sir," says he, "my master's +gaw--" when at the "gaw" in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the +finest gentleman I ever saw. + +"What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!" says he. + +"Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?" + +"A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making +my bow. "A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the +tongs that you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!" + +"Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow: +"but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how +some fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave +them!" With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. +Bar suddenly opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there +was a tiff between the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, +I rammed the Advertiser into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my +shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's mouth--a capital way to stop angry +answers. + +Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a +hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a +black coat with a bag. + +"What, you here!" says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, +for it seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, "What, YOU +here!" "Your name is Cox, sir?" says he; smiling too, as the very +pattern of mine. "My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and +Sharpus, Middle Temple Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir; +happy,--that is to say, sorry to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of +Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is heiress, in consequence, +to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom." + +At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my +hold of Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his +irons fixed to Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a +wince out:--Mrs. C., Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back +shop, and we formed a splendid tableau such as the great Cruikshank +might have depicted. + +"And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?" says I. + +"Why--hee, hee, hee!" says Mr. Sharpus. "Surely you know that he +was only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!" + +You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had +been so eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. +Sharpus say there was no will, and that my wife was heir to the +property, and not Mr. John Tuggeridge: this she told in the +housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as they heard it, the whole +party set, in order to be the first to bear the news. + +We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife +would have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just +hinted, "Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and +we have not; had we not better keep them for a little?"--Keep them, +then, we did, to show us how to be gentlefolks. + +I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing +of premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred +pounds for it; but this I was above: Crump had served me +faithfully, and have the shop he should. + + +FIRST ROUT. + + +We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house +without friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in +the Market, and I was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old +acquaintance of ours, Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to +introduce us into distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a +baronet, and had done us the honor of lodging with us for two +years; when we lost sight of him, and of his little account, too, +by the way. A fortnight after, hearing of our good fortune, he was +among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a little glad to see +him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond of our +Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on one +occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor +girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always +fond of her. + +Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good +fortune, though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him +to come and take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. +But to this Jemima very soon put a stop, for she came very justly +to know her stature, and to look down on Crump, which she bid her +daughter to do; and, after a great scene, in which Orlando showed +himself very rude and angry, he was forbidden the house--for ever! + +So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. +"You see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and +country mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the +funds, to leave between our two children; and, with such prospects, +they ought surely to have the first society of England." To this +Tagrag agreed, and promised to bring us acquainted with the very +pink of the fashion; ay, and what's more, did. + +First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on +Tuesdays and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me +and Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all +the way, and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he +was sent straight off to the most fashionable school in the +kingdom, the Reverend Doctor Pigney's, at Richmond. + +Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the +papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way: double your name and +stick an "e" to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), +had an effect in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to +get a very pretty society about us. Some of old Tug's friends +swore they would do anything for the family, and brought their +wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. Coxe and her charming girl; +and when, about the first week in February, we announced a grand +dinner and ball for the evening of the twenty-eighth, I assure you +there was no want of company: no, nor of titles neither; and it +always does my heart good even to hear one mentioned. + +Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, +and his seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to +dinner): there was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and +his Excellency Baron von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche +Bluenose, the eminent literati, author of "The Distrusted" "The +Distorted," "The Disgusted," "The Disreputable One," and other +poems; there was the Dowager Lady Max and her daughter, the +Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles Codshead, from the +City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A., K.B., K.C., +K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala: my friend +Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, made +up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in +black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom +Mrs. C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were +seen round the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I +felt a thrill of elation, and thought to myself--Sam Cox, Sam Cox, +who ever would have expected to see you here? + +After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and +to this Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the +principal nobility that our metropolis had produced. When I +mention, among the company to tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, +her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and the Ladies North Pole her +daughters; when I say that there were yet OTHERS, whose names may +be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of modesty, be mentioned +here, I think I've said enough to show that, in our time, No. 96, +Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company. + +It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer +Cordongblew. I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly +dysol allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and +other French dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops +to the bottles, called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Coxe- +Tuggeridge Coxe drank a very good share of it (but the Claret and +Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish). However, the +feed, as I say, went off very well: Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting +next to me, and being so good as to put me down for six copies of +all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter engaging Jemimarann +for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my dear Jemmy +with Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as red as +her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and bird-of- +paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant. + +Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:--thunder-under- +under came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. +Wippert's fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, +me and the gents thought it high time to make our appearance. I +felt a LITTLE squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of +hundred great people; but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher +taking each an arm, we reached, at last, the drawing-room. + +The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the +great ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, +and working away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my +pretty Jemimarann amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round +the room along with Baron Punter, in what they call a gallypard; +then I peeped into the circle of the Duchesses, where, in course, I +expected to find Mrs. C.; but she wasn't there! She was seated at +the further end of the room, looking very sulky; and I went up and +took her arm, and brought her down to the place where the Duchesses +were. "Oh, not there!" said Jemmy, trying to break away. +"Nonsense, my dear," says I: "you are missis, and this is your +place." Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, "Me and +my missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you." + +The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak. + +I went on: "The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see; and so we +thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, +ma'am, I think, are too stiff to dance." + +"Sir!" says her Grace. + +"Ma'am," says I, "don't you know me? My name's Cox. Nobody's +introduced me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present +myself--so give us your hand, ma'am." + +And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but--would you +believe it?--the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot +'tater. "Fitzurse! Fitzurse!" shouted she, "help! help!" Up +scuffled all the other Dowagers--in rushed the dancers. "Mamma! +mamma!" squeaked Lady Julia North Pole. "Lead me to my mother," +howled Lady Aurorer: and both came up and flung themselves into her +arms. "Wawt's the raw?" said Lord Fitzurse, sauntering up quite +stately. + +"Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace. "Where's +Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak +to me." + +"My dear Duchess," said Tufthunt, very meek. + +"Don't Duchess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak; +and hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn't +his monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call +my people, Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!" + +"And my carriage," "And mine," "And mine!" shouted twenty more +voices. And down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche +Bluenose and Lady Max among the very first; leaving only the +Field-Marshal and one or two men, who roared with laughter ready +to split. + +"Oh, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, "why would you take me back to +them? they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess +whether she didn't like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos +and Curasosos: and--would you believe it?--all the company burst +out laughing; and the Duchess told me just to keep off, and not to +speak till I was spoken to. Imperence! I'd like to tear her eyes +out." + +And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would! + + +A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS. + + +Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still +upon fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down +to Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in +town, here there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate +our dinners and suppers, danced at our balls--ay, and spoke to us +too. We were great people in fact: I a regular country gentleman; +and as such, Jemmy insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join +the county hunt. "But," says I, "my love, I can't ride." "Pooh! +Mr. C." said she, "you're always making difficulties: you thought +you couldn't dance a quadrille; you thought you couldn't dine at +seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't lie in bed after six; and +haven't you done every one of these things? You must and you shall +ride!" And when my Jemmy said "must and shall," I knew very well +there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to the hunt, +and, out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received notice +that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail Common, +just outside my lodge-gates. + +I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it +was most probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag +explained this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a +horse, a delightful animal of his own; which, being desperately +pressed for money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he +himself having given a hundred and fifty for it. + +Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. +C. turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being +helped up on my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head +groom, I came presently round to join them. + +Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, "I +thought," he said, "you told me you knew how to ride; and that you +had ridden once fifty miles on a stretch!" + +"And so I did," says I, "to Cambridge, and on the box too." + +"ON THE BOX!" says he; "but did you ever mount a horse before?" + +"Never," says I, "but I find it mighty easy." + +"Well," says he, "you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, +Coxe, for your spirit." And so we came out of the gate. + +As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a +hunt, but what a hunt is--why the horses WILL go among the dogs and +ride them down--why the men cry out "yooooic"--why the dogs go +snuffing about in threes and fours, and the huntsman says, "Good +Towler--good Betsy," and we all of us after him say, "Good Towler-- +good Betsy" in course: then, after hearing a yelp here and a howl +there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow! burst out, all of a sudden, from +three or four of them, and the chap in a velvet cap screeches out +(with a number of oaths I shan't repeat here), "Hark, to Ringwood!" +and then, "There he goes!" says some one; and all of a sudden, +helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping, screeching and +hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays, horses, dogs, +donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard boys, go +tearing all together over the common after two or three of the pack +that yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can't say; but it all took +place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence. + +Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only +been trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I +managed to stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, +off went Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing +among the dogs like the donkey among the chickens. "Back, Mr. +Coxe," holloas the huntsman; and so I pulled very hard, and cried +out, Wo!" but he wouldn't; and on I went galloping for the dear +life. How I kept on is a wonder; but I squeezed my knees in very +tight, and shoved my feet very hard into the stirrups, and kept +stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's neck, and looked betwixt +his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted to luck: for I was in +a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man would be in such +a case, let alone a poor hairdresser. + +As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you +honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; +nothing in this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-colored +mane, and that I gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, +safe through the walking, the trotting, the galloping, and never so +much as getting a tumble. + +There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the "Spicy Dustman," +who, when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned +regularly out on his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. +He generally managed to keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly +through the cross-roads, and knowing the country well. Well, +having a good guess where the hounds would find, and the line that +sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would take, the Spicy Dustman +turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail to Cutshins Common; +across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt. There's a small +hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the leading chaps +took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate, and so +would I, only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and +be hanged to him, and went right for it. + +Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your +arms, off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel--that is, I +did--is a most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet +jerked out of the stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree; +Trumpeter gone clean from under me, and walloping and floundering +in the ditch underneath. One of the stirrup-leathers had caught in +a stake, and the horse couldn't get away: and neither of us, I +thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of a sudden, who should +come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman! + +"Holloa!" says I, "you gent, just let us down from this here tree!" + +"Lor'!" says he, "I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin." + +"Let's down," says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging +Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as +possible. "Let's down," says I. "Presently," says he; and taking +off his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's +sides and saddle; and when he had finished, what do you think the +rascal did?--he just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts +out, "Git down yourself, old Bearsgrease; you've only to drop! I'LL +give your 'oss a hairing arter them 'ounds; and you--vy, you may +ride back my pony to Tuggeridgeweal!" And with this, I'm blest if +he didn't ride away, leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and +expecting every minute the branch would break. + +It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got +out of it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or +the Apollor Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my +shop window when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so +elegant as our rose-oil. Faugh! what a figure I was! + +I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was +very quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; +and after a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate. + +A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; +their Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a +number of horses walking up and down before the whole of the +gentlemen of the hunt, who had come in after losing their fox! +"Here's Squire Coxe!" shouted the grooms. Out rushed the servants, +out poured the gents of the hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging +into the donkey, and everybody dying with laughter at me. + +Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed +me; a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very +gravely, to help me down. + +"Squire," says he, "how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git +down, will you, and give it to its howner?" + +"Rascal!" says I, "didn't you ride off on my horse?" + +"Was there ever sich ingratitude?" says the Spicy. "I found this +year 'oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back +to his master, and he calls me a rascal!" + +The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, +all set up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly +ashamed, as not to be able to laugh just then. + +And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared +I showed great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but "No," says I, +"I HAVE been." + + +THE FINISHING TOUCH. + + +I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram's +in Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to +meet twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was +generally voted the first man of the club; and could take five from +John the marker himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game; +and now that I was placed in that station of life where I could +cultivate my talents, I gave them full play, and improved amazingly. +I do say that I think myself as good a hand as any chap in England. + +The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you, +astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three +rubbers Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to +knock him all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: +and such was the betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums +to the Count, who knew what play was, and used to back me. I did +not play except for shillings, so my skill was of no great service +to me. + +One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen +were high in words. "The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain +Tagrag say: "I won't stand it." + +"Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?" said +the Baron. + +"You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the Count: +"ve vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill." + +"What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, "about birds and +feathers?" + +"Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about--about--pigeon-shooting; +the Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty +yards, and I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular +murder." + +"Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron: "and I know +no better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? +De fon is gabidal." + +"No doubt," says I, "for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the +PIGEON." And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I +didn't know then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave +Master Baron, that day, a precious good beating, and walked off +with no less than fifteen shillings of his money. + +As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took +in the Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that +celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed +for me, Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and +widgeon--and the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of +cultivating the kidney species of that vegetable--made no small +noise at the time, and got me in the paper a compliment from the +editor). I was a constant reader of the Notices to Correspondents, +and, my early education having been rayther neglected (for I was +taken from my studies and set, as is the custom in our trade, to +practise on a sheep's head at the tender age of nine years, before +I was allowed to venture on the humane countenance,)--I say, being +thus curtailed and cut off in my classical learning, I must confess +I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of genteel information +from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at least sufficient +to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen and gentlemen +who came to our house. Well, on looking over the Flare-up notices +to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the notices, +as follows:-- + +"'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of +Covent Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of +Thespis is a married man. + +"'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to +B's second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his +Queen's pawn, gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no +reason why B's Queen should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined. + +"'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame +Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of +Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian. + +"'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in +England, is Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and +Tuggeridgeville: Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him +two in a game of a hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his +superior. Verbum sap. + +"'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead." + +I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered +how the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such +information; and both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued +himself absurdly on his play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me +preferred thus to himself. We read him the paragraph, and +preciously angry he was. "Id is," he cried, "the tables" (or "de +DABELS," as he called them),--"de horrid dabels; gom viz me to +London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you." We all roared +at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy the +fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any +tables he chose. + +"Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de +Quadrant; his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill." And +I said I would: and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when +Jemmy was at the Opera, we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give +him a chance. + +We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw: +lots of Champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of +laughing and fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. "Is dish +Misther Coxsh, de shelebrated player?" says Mr. Abednego, who was +in the room, with one or two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and +several foreign noblemen, dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them +foreigners are. "Is dish Misther Coxsh? blesh my hart, it is a +honor to see you; I have heard so much of your play." + +"Come, come," says I, "sir"--for I'm pretty wide awake--"none of +your gammon; you're not going to book ME." + +"No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace. + +"Dat is gut!--haw! haw!" snorted the Baron. "Hook him! Lieber +Himmel, you might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!" + +Well, we went to play. "Five to four on Coxe," screams out the +Count.--"Done and done," says another nobleman. "Ponays," says the +Count.--"Done," says the nobleman. "I vill take your six crowns to +four," says the Baron.--"Done," says I. And, in the twinkling of +an eye, I beat him once making thirteen off the balls without +stopping. + +We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the +long faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils +and wrote I.O.U.'s for the Count! "Va toujours, mon cher," says he +to me, "you have von for me three hundred pounds." + +"I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. "Zeven to four +you must give me though." And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT +game was won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. "Two hundred +and sixty more, my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count: "you are mon +ange gardien!" "Wot a flat Misther Coxsh is, not to back his +luck," I hoard Abednego whisper to one of the foreign noblemen. + +"I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron. +"Give me three," says he, "and done." I gave him three, and lost +the game by one. "Dobbel, or quits," says he. "Go it," says I, up +to my mettle: "Sam Coxe never says no;" and to it we went. I went +in, and scored eighteen to his five. "Holy Moshesh!" says +Abednego, "dat little Coxsh is a vonder! who'll take odds?" + +"I'll give twenty to one," says I, "in guineas." + +"Ponays; yase, done," screams out the Count. + +"BONIES, done," roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak, +went in, and--would you believe it?--in two minutes he somehow made +the game! + + . . . . . . + +Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! +In vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to +ponies; and when I refused, they both said their honor was +concerned, and they must have my life, or their money. So when the +Count showed me actually that, in spite of this bet (which had been +too good to resist) won from me, he had been a very heavy loser by +the night; and brought me the word of honor of Abednego, his Jewish +friend, and the foreign noblemen, that ponies had been betted;--why, +I paid them one thousand pounds sterling of good and lawful +money.--But I've not played for money since: no, no; catch me at +THAT again if you can. + + +A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA. + + +No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, +who knew as much about music,--bless her!--as I do about Sanscrit, +algebra, or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the +second tier. It was what they called a double box; it really COULD +hold two, that is, very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain-- +for five hundred a year! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used +regularly to take our places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in +front; me, behind: but as my dear wife used to wear a large fantail +gauze hat with ostrich feathers, birds-of-paradise, artificial +flowers, and tags of muslin or satin, scattered all over it, I'm +blest if she didn't fill the whole of the front of the box; and it +was only by jumping and dodging, three or four times in the course +of the night, that I could manage to get a sight of the actors. By +kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling Jemmy's sleeve, +I DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of Senior +Lablash's boots, in the "Puritanny," and once actually saw Madame +Greasi's crown and head-dress in "Annybalony." + +What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us +aristocracy used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your +three courses (three curses I used to call them;--for so, indeed, +they are, causing a deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, +pills, want of sleep, and such like)--just, I say, as you get down +your three courses, which I defy any man to enjoy properly unless +he has two hours of drink and quiet afterwards, up comes the +carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as fine as a duchess, and scented +like our shop. "Come, my dear," says she, "it's 'Normy' to--night" +(or "Annybalony," or the "Nosey di Figaro," or the "Gazzylarder," +as the case may be). "Mr. Foster strikes off punctually at eight, +and you know it's the fashion to be always present at the very +first bar of the aperture." And so off we are obliged to budge, to +be miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the next +twelve, and all because it's the fashion! + +After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I +am given to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they +should sing in Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do +nothing BUT sing. Bless us! how I used to long for the wooden +magpie in the "Gazzylarder" to fly up to the top of the church- +steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the chaps with the +pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June. Not that I +don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini: him +who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the +first piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a +LITTLE too much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats +in the boxes. + +The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You SHOULD +have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and +when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with +a gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and +our girl blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on +the tips of only five of her toes, and raising up the other five, +and the foot belonging to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled +round, and round, and round, like a teetotum, for a couple of +minutes or more; and as she settled down, at last, on both feet, in +a natural decent posture, you should have heard how the house +roared with applause, the boxes clapping with all their might, and +waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting, " Bravo!" Some +people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an exhibition, +threw bunches of flowers at her; and what do you think she did? +Why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had +happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press +them to her heart, and begin whirling round again faster than ever. +Talk about coolness, I never saw such in all MY born days. + +"Nasty thing!" says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; "if women WILL +act so, it serves them right to be treated so." + +"Oh, yes! she acts beautifully," says our friend his Excellency, +who along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to +miss coming to our box. + +"She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and +I am very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at +her, and that the people waved to her to get off." + +Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of +laughter. + +"My dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, "those are the most famous dancers +in the world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses +at them, in token of our immense admiration!" + +"Well, I never!" said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the +curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done +the next begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping +and bounding in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at +least six feet from the stage, and there shaking about its legs +like mad, we were more astonished than ever! + +"That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen. + +"Anna who?" says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this +person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black +ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees. + +"Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's +as active as a man of twenty." + +"HE!" shrieked out my wife; "what, is that there a man? For shame! +Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and +I'll thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home." + +You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a +horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed +to it; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush- +room, and so would stop till the end of everything; and, law bless +you! in three weeks from that time, she could look at the ballet as +she would at a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her +double-barrelled opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had +been a born duchess. As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does; and +precious fun it used to be, sometimes. + +My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the +scenes; where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my +ONTRAY. Behind, then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor +heard of! Fancy lots of young and old gents of the fashion +crowding round and staring at the actresses practising their steps. +Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners, chattering always, and smelling +fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of Jews, with hooked-noses and +black muzzles, covered with rings, chains, sham diamonds, and gold +waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old nightgowns, with knock- +knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings, and dabs of brick- +dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such wigs!) for the +bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap, or else +shepherds' crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and +green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing +to and fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, +pasteboard Cupids, dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, +crowd, confusion and gabble of all conceivable languages was never +known! + +If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking +twenty, he looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a +barber was giving it a touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking +snuff himself, and a boy was standing by with a pint of beer from +the public-house at the corner of Charles Street. + +I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour +which they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the +stage, before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies +in the boxes are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming +with their feet and canes in the rudest manner possible, as though +they couldn't wait. + +Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain +flies up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till +the very last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making +myself very affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and +twirling about me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such +like politeness, in the most condescending way possible, when a +bolt was suddenly withdrawn, and down I popped, through a trap in +the stage, into the place below. Luckily I was stopped by a piece +of machinery, consisting of a heap of green blankets and a young +lady coming up as Venus rising from the sea. If I had not fallen +so soft, I don't know what might have been the consequence of the +collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear to hear of +my paying the least attention to the fair sex. + + +STRIKING A BALANCE. + + +Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the +Earl of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his +mother the Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady +Juliana Matilda MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; +and a son, the Honorable Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow +MacTurk, only ten months older than our boy Tug. + +My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, +made every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager +Countess of Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she +was the daughter of the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great +friend, the Earl of Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't +wonder at my Jemmy growing so angry with her, and determining, in +every way, to put her ladyship down. The Kilblazes' estate is not +so large as the Tuggeridge property by two thousand a year at +least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept only two footmen, +was quite authorized in having three; and she made it a point, as +soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to have +out her own carriage-and-four. + +Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big. +Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and +what do you think Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, +Madame de Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double +salary. It was quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame +Flicflac: she had been (to support her father, the Count, when he +emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the ITALIAN Opera. French dancing, +and Italian, therefore, we had at once, and in the best style: it +is astonishing how quick and well she used to speak--the French +especially. + +Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend +Clement Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young +fashionables, from the age of three to fifteen; and to this +establishment Jemmy sent our Tug, adding forty guineas to the +hundred and twenty paid every year for the boarders. I think I +found out the dear soul's reason; for, one day, speaking about the +school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the Kilblazes, she +whispered to him that "she never would have thought of sending her +darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid; THEIR +lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did +the best they could on their income!" + +Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been +tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, +and, as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came +to it. You read in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called +it,) after the account of the charges for board, masters, extras, +&c.--"Every young nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a +knife, fork, spoon, and goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), +which will not be returned; a dressing-gown and slippers; toilet- +box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c. The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT +be allowed to have more than ten guineas of pocket-money, unless +his parents particularly desire it, or he be above fifteen years of +age. WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm, vapor, and douche +baths. CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of fifteen +guineas per quarter. It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young +nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to +THE CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment +were profane. + +"CLEMENT CODDLER, M. A., + +"Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster. + +"MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY." + + +To this establishment our Tug was sent. "Recollect, my dear," said +his mamma, "that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect +you to beat all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington +MacTurk, who, though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are +the heir of Tuggeridgeville." + +Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as +well as any young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig +either, and could shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the +old time, when we were not great people: when he came to be a +gentleman, he had to learn Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost +time to make up for, on going to school. + +However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send +monthly accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a +wonder of the world, I don't know who was. It was + + General behavior excellent. + English very good. + French tres bien. + Latin optime. + +And so on:--he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every +month for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, +after he had been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by +Mr. Coddler, one of the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, +into the bedrooms and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories +he called them), which were all as comfortable as comfortable might +be. "It is a holiday, today," said Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it +seemed to be. In the dining-room were half a dozen young gentlemen +playing at cards ("All tip-top nobility," observed Mr. Coddler);--in +the bedrooms there was only one gent: he was lying on his bed, +reading novels and smoking cigars. "Extraordinary genius!" whispered +Coddler. "Honorable Tom Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's; +smokes all day; and has written the SWEETEST poems you can imagine. +Genius, my dear madam, you know--genius must have its way." "Well, +UPON my word," says Jemmy, "if that's genius, I had rather that +Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull fellow." + +"Impossible, my dear madam," said Coddler. "Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe +COULDN'T be stupid if he TRIED." + +Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis +of Allycompane. We were introduced instantly: "Lord Claude +Lollypop, Mr. and Mrs. Coxe." The little lord wagged his head, my +wife bowed very low, and so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord +making for the playground, begged him to show us the way.--"Come +along," says my lord; and as he walked before us, whistling, we had +leisure to remark the beautiful holes in his jacket, and elsewhere. + +About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a +pastry-cook's shop at the end of the green. "That's the grub- +shop," said my lord, "where we young gentlemen wot has money buys +our wittles, and them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick." + +Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. +"That's Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am," says my lord. "We keep him, +for he's very useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' +coats when there's a fight, or a game at cricket.--Well, Hicks, +how's your mother? what's the row now?" "I believe, my lord," said +the usher, very meekly, "there is a pugilistic encounter somewhere +on the premises--the Honorable Mr. Mac--" + +"Oh! COME along," said Lord Lollypop, "come along: this way, ma'am! +Go it, ye cripples!" And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in +the kindest and most familiar way, she trotting on after him, +mightily pleased to be so taken notice of, and I after her. A +little boy went running across the green. "Who is it, Petitoes?" +screams my lord. "Turk and the barber," pipes Petitoes, and runs +to the pastry-cook's like mad. "Turk and the ba--," laughs out my +lord, looking at us. "HURRA! THIS way, ma'am!" And turning round +a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard, where a number of +boys were collected, and a great noise of shrill voices might be +heard. "Go it, Turk!" says one. "Go it, barber!" says another. +"PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!" roars another, whose voice was just cracked, +and his clothes half a yard too short for him! + +Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug +pummelling away at the Honorable Master MacTurk! My dear Jemmy, +who don't understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, +and, with one hand tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into +the arms of his seconds, while, with the other, she clawed hold of +Master MacTurk's red hair, and, as soon as she got her second hand +free, banged it about his face and ears like a good one. + +"You nasty--wicked--quarrelsome--aristocratic" (each word was a +bang)--"aristocratic--oh! oh! oh!"--Here the words stopped; for what +with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the +shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered, my +dear Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my +arms. + + +DOWN AT BEULAH. + + +Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and +us, yet Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their +acquaintance over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where +they were fighting, making friends, and playing tricks from morning +to night, during the holidays. Indeed, it was from young Mac that +we first heard of Madame de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady +Kilblazes, as I before have related. When our friend the Baron +first saw Madame, a very tender greeting passed between them; for +they had, as it appeared, been old friends abroad. "Sapristie," +said the Baron, in his lingo, "que fais-tu ici, Amenaide?" "Et +toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says she, "est-ce qu'on t'a mis a la +retraite? Il parait que tu n'es plus General chez Franco--" +CHUT!" says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips. + +"What are they saying, my dear?" says my wife to Jemimarann, who +had a pretty knowledge of the language by this time. + +"I don't know what 'Sapristie' means, mamma; but the Baron asked +Madame what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot, +you are no more a General at Franco.'--Have I not translated +rightly, Madame?" + +"Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right. +Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years." + +"Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron; "Baron Chicot de +Punter is my name." + +"And being a General at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I suppose, +being a French General?" + +"Yes, I vas," said he, "General Baron de Punter--n'est 'a pas, +Amenaide?" + +"Oh, yes!" said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy +laughed out of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as +you shall hear. + +About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that +admirable institution, "The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;" Lady de +Sudley was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, +the excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as +chaplain, and that of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of +her ladyship's), drew away five hundred pounds from the six +subscribed to the Charity: and Lady de Sudley thought a fete at +Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the foreign princes who were in +town last year, might bring a little more money into its treasury. +A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and published in all the +papers:-- + + +"APPEAL. + +"BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME. + +"The 'Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been established seven +years: and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently +stated, INCALCULABLE. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen +have been lodged within its walls. One hundred and two British +Washerwomen have been relieved when in the last state of decay. +ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female +dress have been washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled in +the Establishment. And, by an arrangement with the governors of +the Foundling, it is hoped that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL +will be confided to the British Washerwoman's Home! + +"With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable +to think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled +to reject the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT +HUNDRED AND ONE BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their +support? Ladies of England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. +Is there one of you that will not respond to the cry in behalf of +these deserving members of our sex? + +"It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at +Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the +first foreign and native TALENT; by the first foreign and native +RANK; and where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S +FRIEND." + + +Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the +Duke of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His +Excellency Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the +Persian Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, +His Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the +Spanish Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the +Republic of Topinambo, and a host of other fashionables, promised +to honor the festival: and their names made a famous show in the +bills. Besides these, we had the celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, +the seventy-seven Transylvanian trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian +Minnesingers; with all the leading artists of London, Paris, the +Continent, and the rest of Europe. + +I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British +Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent +was erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was +hung round with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen's +orphans; ninety-six of whom were to be feasted in the gardens, +and waited on by the Ladies-Patronesses. + +Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count, +Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and +barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her +carriage-and-two. + +There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the +Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their +beaux went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having +each an arm of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and +Jemimarann. Whilst they were walking, whom should they light upon +but poor Orlando Crump, my successor in the perfumery and hair- +cutting. + +"Orlando!" says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding +out her hand. + +"Jemimar!" says he, holding out his, and turning as white as +pomatum. + +"SIR!" says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess. + +"What! madam," says poor Crump, "don't you remember your shopboy?" + +"Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?" whimpers Jemimarann, +whose hand he had got hold of. + +"Miss Tuggeridge Coxe," says Jemmy, "I'm surprised of you. +Remember, sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no +more familiarity." + +"Insolent fellow!" says the Baron, "vat is dis canaille?" + +"Canal yourself, Mounseer," says Orlando, now grown quite furious: +he broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. +Jemimarann, as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and +ill; and her mamma, therefore, took her to a tent, where she left +her along with Madame Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself +with the other gentlemen, in order to join us. + +It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac +suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward +to a friend whom she saw pass. + +The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the +champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I +don't know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when +the Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration. + +Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing +by my side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous +Bohemian Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the +poet Gothy:-- + + + "Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee. + Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee." +"Chorus--Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!" + + +They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual, +and had just come to the "o-o-o," at the end of the chorus of the +forty-seventh stanza, when Orlando started: "That's a scream!" says +he. "Indeed it is," says I; "and, but for the fashion of the +thing, a very ugly scream too:" when I heard another shrill "Oh!" +as I thought; and Orlando bolted off, crying, "By heavens, it's HER +voice!" "Whose voice?" says I. "Come and see the row," says Tag. +And off we went, with a considerable number of people, who saw this +strange move on his part. + +We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann +fainting; her mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the +ground, holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando +squaring at him, and calling on him to fight if he dared. + +My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. "Take that feller away," +says she; "he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves +transportation, at the least." + +Poor Orlando was carried off. "I've no patience with the little +minx," says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. "She might be a +Baron's lady; and she screams out because his Excellency did but +squeeze her hand." + +"Oh, mamma! mamma!" sobs poor Jemimarann, "but he was t-t-tipsy." + +"T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended +with a nobleman who does not know what he is doing." + + +A TOURNAMENT. + + +"I say, Tug," said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at +Beulah, "Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you +out, as I told you: the old barberess will die of spite when she +hears what we are going to do. What do you think? we're going to +have a tournament!" "What's a tournament?" says Tug, and so said +his mamma when she heard the news; and when she knew what a +tournament was, I think, really, she WAS as angry as MacTurk said +she would be, and gave us no peace for days together. "What!" says +she, "dress up in armor, like play-actors, and run at each other +with spears? The Kilblazes must be mad! "And so I thought, but I +didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they were: for, +when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as yet, a +profound secret, what does she do, but send down to the Morning +Post a flaming account of + + +"THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE! + +"The days of chivalry are NOT past. The fair Castellane of +T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been +alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall +exceed in splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are +not at liberty to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy +B-r-n de P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th--s +T-gr-g, are to be the knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN +OF BEAUTY, of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt +the power; a banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a +ball, in which the recollections of ancient chivalry will blend +sweetly with the soft tones of Weippert and Collinet, are among the +entertainments which the Ladye of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for +her distinguished guests." + + +The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback, +and in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number +of our friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he +vaulted over his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never +were done except at Ducrow's. + +And now--oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter, +to describe the wonders of the day!--Twenty-four knights came from +Ashley's at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss +Woolford in the character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not +appear. We had a tent for the challengers, at each side of which +hung what they called ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put +up when people die,) and underneath sat their pages, holding their +helmets for the tournament. Tagrag was in brass armor (my City +connections got him that famous suit); his Excellency in polished +steel. My wife wore a coronet, modelled exactly after that of +Queen Catharine, in "Henry V.;" a tight gilt jacket, which set off +dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train of at least forty +feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided with pearls. +Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady Blanche +Bluenose as a Turkish princess. An alderman of London and his +lady; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon; +several Polish noblemen; two Italian counts (besides our Count); +one hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in +full uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, +K.C.B., and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing Establishment, +and fourteen young ladies, all in white: the Reverend Doctor +Wapshot, and forty-nine young gentlemen, of the first families, +under his charge--were SOME only of the company. I leave you to +fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for fashion, she had enough of it +on this occasion. They wanted me to have mounted again, but my +hunting-day had been sufficient; besides, I ain't big enough +for a real knight: so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening the +Tournament--and I knew it was in vain to resist--the Baron and +Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with +safety, if I came off at all. They had procured from the Strand +Theatre a famous stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been +trained for the use of the great Lord Bateman. I did not know +exactly what they were till they arrived; but as they had belonged +to a lord, I thought it was all right, and consented; and I found +it the best sort of riding, after all, to appear to be on horseback +and walk safely a-foot at the same time; and it was impossible to +come down as long as I kept on my own legs: besides, I could cuff +and pull my steed about as much as I liked, without fear of his +biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the Tournament, they +placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in blue and gold: +I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost wished +myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet and +breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at the +time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each +other, till, prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat +behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the +same time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone. "This was +sufficient," they said, "for the laws of chivalry;" and I was glad +to get off so. + +After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than +seven, in complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the +ring; and the Baron was far, far the most skilful. + +"How sweetly the dear Baron rides," said my wife, who was always +ogling at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to +him. "I say, Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, as, +after their course, they came cantering up, and ranged under +Jemmy's bower, as she called it:--"I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that +chap in harmer mustn't have been one of hus." And this only made +Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is, the Baron had chosen the +best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her mother. + +The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him +the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; +he receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his +helmet mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the +other end of the lists; then galloping back to the place where +Jemimarann was seated, he begged her to place it on his helmet. +The poor girl blushed very much, and did so. As all the people +were applauding, Tagrag rushed up, and, laying his hand on the +Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his ear, which made the +other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off violently. +"Chacun pour soi," says he, "Monsieur de Taguerague,"--which means, +I am told, "Every man for himself." And then he rode away, +throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse +caper and prance, to the admiration of all beholders. + +After this came the "Passage of Arms." Tagrag and the Baron ran +courses against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece; +whereupon the other three refused to turn out; and preciously we +laughed at them, to be sure! + +"Now, it's OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT," says Tagrag, shaking his fist at +the Baron: "look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by +Jupiter, I'll do my best!" And before Jemmy and the rest of us, +who were quite bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were +charging away, spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain +Jemmy screamed; in vain I threw down my truncheon: they had broken +two poles before I could say "Jack Robinson," and were driving at +each other with the two new ones. The Baron had the worst of the +first course, for he had almost been carried out of his saddle. +"Hark you, Chicot!" screamed out Tagrag, "next time look to your +head!" And next time, sure enough, each aimed at the head of the +other. + +Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's +helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer +still--his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the +ground like a stone. + +"He's won! he's won!" says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; +Jemimarann fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that +I thought I should drop. All the company were in an uproar: only +the Baron looked calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his +hand to Jemmy; when, all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man +springing over the barrier, and followed by three more, rushed +towards the Baron. "Keep the gate, Bob!" he holloas out. "Baron, +I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, for--" + +But he never said for what; shouting out, "Aha!" and "Sapprrrristie!" +and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs +into his horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before +another word. He had threatened to run through one of the bailiff's +followers, Mr. Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him; and +when we took up the bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a +little brandy-and-water, he told us all. "I had a writ againsht +him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't vant to shpoil shport; and, +beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey knocked off his shteel cap!" + + . . . . . . + +Here was a pretty business! + + +OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED. + + +We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville: +but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where +poor Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, +and the Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and +silk stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend in Pickwick; we, having +employed the gentlemen from Astley's Antitheatre, had some decent +sport for our money. + +We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished +himself by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) +Mr. Nabb, the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay +hands upon him. My sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits +after his departure, and a sad thing it is to see her in low +spirits: on days of illness she no more minds giving Jemimarann a +box on the ear, or sending a plate of muffins across a table at +poor me, than she does taking her tea. + +Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it +was the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the +Baron at Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would +do her good, and declared that she should die unless she went to +the seaside in France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as +well attempt to resist her as to resist her Gracious Majesty in +Parliament assembled; so I told the people to pack up the things, +and took four places on board the "Grand Turk" steamer for Boulogne. + +The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and +my carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night +before; and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I +think it was the--but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom +House in the other carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, +with the servants, and fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which +were to be wanted by my dear girl in the journey. + +The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we +saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St. +Bartholomew;--why erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is +in Smithfield;--we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the +Mansion House, where we saw the two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke +coming out of the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in +safety. I felt melancholy, for we were going among a people of +swindlers, as all Frenchmen are thought to be; and, besides not +being able to speak the language, leaving our own dear country and +honest countrymen. + +Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the +greatest civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor; +ay, and your honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid +in the cab. I somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going +away. "Here, my fine fellow," says I to the coachman, who was +standing very respectful, holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's +jewel-case in the other--"Here, my fine chap," says I, "here's six +shillings for you;" for I did not care for the money. + +"Six what?" says he. + +"Six shillings, fellow," shrieks Jemmy, "and twice as much as your +fare." + +"Feller, marm!" says this insolent coachman. "Feller yourself, +marm: do you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my +precious back, and bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, +and your traps for six hog?" And with this the monster dropped his +hat, with my money in it, and doubling his fist put it so very near +my nose that I really thought he would have made it bleed. "My +fare's heighteen shillings," says he, "hain't it?--hask hany of +these gentlemen." + +"Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six," says one of the +fourteen porters; "but if the gen'l'man IS a gen'l'man, he can't +give no less than a suffering anyhow." + +I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, "Holloa!" +says one. "What's the row?" says another. "Come, dub up!" roars a +third. And I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so +frightened that I took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and +Jemmy's maid had disappeared by this time: they always do when +there's a robbery or a row going on. + +I was going after them. "Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young +gentleman of about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that +reached to his ankles, and every variety of button, pin, string, to +keep it together. "Stop, Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe +out of his mouth, "and don't forgit the cabman." + +"What's your fare, my lad?" says I. + +"Why, let's see--yes--ho!--my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpence +eggs--acly." + +The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and +laughed very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed +disappointed was, I thought, the hackney-coachman. "Why, YOU +rascal!" says Jemmy, laying hold of the boy, "do you want more than +the coachman?" + +"Don't rascal ME, marm!" shrieks the little chap in return. +"What's the coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence +if you like; vy don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my +cab, marm? Vy am I to come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, +Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and not git my fare, marm? Come, +give me a suffering and a half, and don't keep my hoss avaiting all +day." This speech, which takes some time to write down, was made +in about the fifth part of a second; and, at the end of it, the +young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing towards Jemmy, +doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight. + +My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor, +and fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called "Policeman!" +but a policeman won't interfere in Thames Street; robbery is +licensed there. What was I to do? Oh! my heart beats with +paternal gratitude when I think of what my Tug did! + +As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting +attitude, Master Tuggeridge Coxe--who had been standing by laughing +very rudely, I thought--Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his +jacket suddenly into his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her +start and recovered her a little), and, before we could say a word +was in the ring in which we stood (formed by the porters, nine +orangemen and women, I don't know how many newspaper-boys, hotel- +cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling about two little white +fists in the face of the gentleman in the red waistcoat, who +brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the enemy, was +engaged in an instant. + +But la bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; +and MILLED away one, two, right and left--like a little hero as he +is, with all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came a crack +which sent a long dusky white hat--that looked damp and deep like a +well, and had a long black crape-rag twisted round it--first came a +crack which sent this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab +and scattered among the crowd a vast number of things which the +cabman kept in it,--such as a ball of string, a piece of candle, a +comb, a whip-lash, a little warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c. + +The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him +no time: another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third, +which hit him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight +down to the ground. + +"Brayvo, my lord!" shouted all the people around. + +"I won't have no more, thank yer," said the little cabman, +gathering himself up. "Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me +git away?" + +"What's your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?" says Tug. + +"Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he. "Go along,--you KNOW it +is!" and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, +and hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. We +heard the packet-bell ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in +time. + +I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very +nearly so, in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and +Jemimarann, and Tug, and the maid, and valet, and valuables had +been handed across, it came to my turn. I had often heard of +people being taken up by a PLANK, but seldom of their being set +down by one. Just as I was going over, the vessel rode off a +little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the water. You +might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it rung in +my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving her a +disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of +my beaver-hat--though I have heard that drowning men catch at +straws:--I floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and, +luckily, just then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waistband +of my whites, and found myself hauled up in the air at the end of a +boat-hook, to the sound of "Yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!" and so I was +dragged aboard. I was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water +that it took a very considerable quantity of brandy to bring it to +a proper mixture in my inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a +very deplorable state. + + +NOTICE TO QUIT. + + +Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, +right and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was +known there; and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying +her daughter to a lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where, +as he had often said, he possessed a magnificent ---- hotel he +called it;--and I remember Jemmy being mightily indignant at the +idea; but hotel, we found afterwards, means only a house in French, +and this reconciled her. Need I describe the road from Boulogne to +Paris? or need I describe that Capitol itself? Suffice it to say, +that we made our appearance there, at "Murisse's Hotel," as became +the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw everything worth seeing in +the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed me, to be sure; but, +when you're on a pleasure-party in a foreign country, you must not +mind a little inconvenience of this sort. + +Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of +trees, which--I don't know why--is called the Shandeleezy, or +Elysian Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the +Shandeleery; but mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In +the middle of this Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a +tent where, during the summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, +performs with his horses and things. As everybody went there, and +we were told it was quite the thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go +too; and go we did. + +It's just like Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, +who goes round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there +are a dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, +Dihannas, Sultannas, Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There's the +fat man, who comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns +out to be the living skeleton! There's the clowns, the sawdust, +the white horse that dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, +just as in our own dear country. + +My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world +looking at her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't +require any knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals +don't talk it), when there came in, presently, "the great Polish +act of the Sarmatian horse-tamer, on eight steeds," which we were +all of us longing to see. The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles +an hour, rushed in on four of his horses, leading the other four, +and skurried round the ring. You couldn't see him for the sawdust, +but everybody was delighted, and applauded like mad. Presently, +you saw there were only three horses in front: he had slipped one +more between his legs, another followed, and it was clear that the +consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any more. The people +applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and eight were +made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and out, with +the others, so that you did not know which was which, the house, I +thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian horse- +tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the music +grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring; bending, +smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his +heart, just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But fancy our +astonishment when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming +round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, +gave a start, and a--hupp! which made all his horses stop stock- +still at an instant. + +"Albert!" screamed my dear Jemmy: "Albert! Bahbahbah--baron!" The +Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels, +three times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our +sight. + +It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER! + +Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; +but we heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of +Franconi's, and had run away to England, thinking to better +himself, and had joined Mr. Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, +and then London, did not agree with him; and we saw the last of him +as he sprung over the barriers at the Tuggeridgeville tournament. + +"Well, Jemimarann," says Jemmy, in a fury, "you shall marry Tagrag; +and if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall +be a baronet's lady." Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was +of no use to remonstrate. + +Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever +to go back to London: for what should we hear, but that that +monster, Tuggeridge, of the City--old Tug's black son, forsooth!-- +was going to contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I +don't know how many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we +set off immediately, and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in +that very same "Grand Turk" which had brought us to France. + +If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave +London on Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that +there is often not an hour between the time of arrival and +departure. Bless us! bless us! I pity the poor Captain that, for +twenty-four hours at a time, is on a paddle-box, roaring out, "Ease +her! Stop her!" and the poor servants, who are laying out +breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;--breakfast, lunch, dinner, +tea, supper again;--for layers upon layers of travellers, as it +were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those +unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over. +Little did we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and +little were we prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over +our Tuggeridgeville property. + +Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our +man of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just +set off to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville +instead of going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge- +gates, we found a crowd assembled within them; and there was that +horrid Tuggeridige on horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called +Mr. Scapgoat, and his man of business, and many more. "Mr. +Scapgoat," says Tuggeridge, grinning, and handing him over a sealed +paper, "here's the lease; I leave you in possession, and wish you +good morning." + +"In possession of what?" says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville, +leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as +she called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to +Portland Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate +which he said was his private property, she called him a base-born +blackamoor, and told him to quit the house. Since then there had +been law squabbles between us without end, and all sorts of +writings, meetings, and arbitrations. + +"Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam," roars he, +"left me by my father's will, which you have had notice of these +three weeks, and know as well as I do." + +"Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy; "he didn't die to leave his +estates to blackamoors--to negroes--to base-born mulatto story- +tellers; if he did may I be -----" + +"Oh, hush! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann. "Go it again, mother!" +says Tug, who is always sniggering. + +"What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?" cried Tagrag (who was the +only one of our party that had his senses). "What is this will?" + +"Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up. +"For heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, +Biggs, and Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none +of their people are here. All that you have to do is to eject us; +and the rest will follow, of course." + +"Who has taken possession of this here property?" roars Jemmy, +again. + +"My friend Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer.--Mr. Scapgoat grinned. + +"Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a +woman of no small spirit), "if you don't leave this ground I'll +have you pushed out with pitchforks, I will--you and your beggarly +blackamoor yonder." And, suiting the action to the word, she +clapped a stable fork into the hands of one of the gardeners, and +called another, armed with a rake, to his help, while young Tug set +the dog at their heels, and I hurrahed for joy to see such villany +so properly treated. + +"That's sufficient, ain't it?" said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest +air in the world. "Oh, completely," said the lawyer. "Mr. +Tuggeridge, we've ten miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble +servant." And the whole posse of them rode away. + + +LAW LIFE ASSURANCE. + + +We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document +from Higgs, in London--which begun, "Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, +late of Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said +county, was attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, +wherefore, with force and arms, he entered into one messuage, with +the appurtenances, which John Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said +Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which is not yet expired, and ejected +him." And it went on to say that "we, with force of arms, viz, +with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected him." Was there ever +such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand in defence of our +own; and isn't it a sin that we should have been turned out of our +rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea? + +Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would +you believe it?--they told us to give up possession at once, as a +will was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy +refused their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the +will: she pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; +and believes, to this day, that the story of its having been made +thirty years ago, in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's +papers, and found there, and brought to England, after a search +made by order of Tuggeridge junior, is a scandalous falsehood. + +Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? +What shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be +ashamed of the wig he sits in? What of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, who +exerted their eloquence against justice and the poor? On our side, +too, was no less a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, +for the honor of the British bar, to say it, seemed to have been +bribed too: for he actually threw up his case! Had he behaved like +Mr. Mulligan, his junior--and to whom, in this humble way, I offer +my thanks--all might have been well. I never knew such an effect +produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for the first time in +that court, said, "Standing here upon the pidestal of secred +Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict; +having before me a vinnerable judge, and an enlightened jury--the +counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor man's +priceless palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must the +blush bejew my cheek--"(somebody cried out, "O CHEEKS!" In the +court there was a dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was +established, Mr. Mulligan continued:)--"My lard, I heed them not; I +come from a counthry accustomed to opprission, and as that +counthry--yes, my lard, THAT IRELAND--(do not laugh, I am proud of +it)--is ever, in spite of her tyrants, green, and lovely, and +beautiful: my client's cause, likewise, will rise shuperior to the +malignant imbecility--I repeat, the MALIGNANT IMBECILITY--of those +who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth, in my client's +name, in my counthry's--ay, and MY OWN--I, with folded arrums, hurl +a scarnful and eternal defiance!" + +"For heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan"--("MULLIGAN, ME LARD," cried my +defender)--"Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief." + +Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech +crammed with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he +explained the situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in +which Tuggeridge the elder gained his fortune, and by which it +afterwards came to my wife; the state of Ireland; the original and +virtuous poverty of the Coxes--from which he glanced passionately, +for a few minutes (until the judge stopped him), to the poverty of +his own country; my excellence as a husband, father, landlord; my +wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All was in vain--the trial +went against us. I was soon taken in execution for the damages; +five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as much more of +Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get me out +of a much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that +along with the land went the house in town, and the money in the +funds. Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all. And +when I was in prison, who do you think would come and see me? +None of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor +Excellencies, who used to fill our house, and eat and drink at +our expense,--not even the ungrateful Tagrag! + +I could not help now saying to my dear wife, "See, my love, we have +been gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had +of it. In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and +everybody laughed at us." + +"Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter. + +"We asked great company, and they insulted us." + +"And spoilt mamma's temper," said Jemimarann. + +"Hush! Miss," said her mother; "we don't want YOUR advice." + +"Then you must make a country gentleman of me." + +"And send Pa into dunghills," roared Tug. + +"Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and +Counts." + +"Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them," cries my +little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy. + +"And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a +fine school." + +"And I give you my word," says Tug, "I'm as ignorant a chap as ever +lived." + +"You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy; "you've learned that at +your fine school." + +"I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I +haven't," grumbles Tug. + +"You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a +swindler." + +"And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my girl. + +"Silence! Miss," says Jemmy, fiercely. + +"You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and +bring me into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never +can help us after all your bad language." I said all this very +smartly; for the fact is, my blood was up at the time, and I +determined to rate my dear girl soundly. + +"Oh! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was +quite broken), "it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and +vain, and I've punished my dear husband and children by my follies, +and I do so, so repent them!" Here Jemimarann at once burst out +crying, and flung herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair +roared and sobbed for ten minutes together. Even Tug looked queer: +and as for me, it's a most extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if +seeing them so miserable didn't make me quite happy.--I don't +think, for the whole twelve months of our good fortune, I had ever +felt so gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet, where I was locked +up. + +Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never +taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated +him so cruelly that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his +company now. He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of +sherry for me; and he used to take home Jemmy's fronts and dress +them for her; and when locking-up time came, he used to see the +ladies home to their little three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where +they slept now, Tug and all. "Can the bird forget its nest?" +Orlando used to say (he was a romantic young fellow, that's the +truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron incessantly, since he +was separated from Jemimarann). "Can the bird, let loose in +eastern climes, forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember +its beloved bulbul?--Ah, no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and +what I hope to die--a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons +before I entered your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did +you not make over your house, your furniture, your emporium of +perfumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving customers, to me? Are these +trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if she would allow me to call her +so. Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me in the workhouse, and made me +what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I never, never shall be +different!" When he had said this, Orlando was so much affected, +that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room. + +Then Jemimarann began to cry too. "Oh, Pa!" said she, "isn't he-- +isn't he a nice young man?" + +"I'm HANGED if he ain't," says Tug. "What do you think of his +giving me eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water +for Mimarann?" + +"He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate," +says Jemmy. + +"What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than +give Tuggeridge the chance." + + +FAMILY BUSTLE. + + +Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me +in prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of +ourselves; and were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad +feelings toward him, and he actually wrote to me to say-- + + +"SIR,--I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I +believe, do not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have +withdrawn my claims which I had against you while you were in +wrongful possession of my father's estates. You must remember that +when, on examination of my father's papers, no will was found, I +yielded up his property, with perfect willingness, to those who I +fancied were his legitimate heirs. For this I received all sorts +of insults from your wife and yourself (who acquiesced in them); +and when the discovery of a will, in India, proved MY just claims, +you must remember how they were met, and the vexatious proceedings +with which you sought to oppose them. + +"I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are +more fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any +other, I will give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock +and shop, when you shall find one to suit you. + +"I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. +You have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to +try his fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him +an appointment; and am, Sir, your obedient servant, + +"JOHN TUGGERIDGE" + + +It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, +and looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it. + +"I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at +any rate," cries Jemmy. "There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, +and a whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to +him." + +"Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says +that them things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. +Breadbasket, indeed!" And so she sailed out. + +Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been +in misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, +when he heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down +poor Orlando. "Ah, I suppose you'll forget me now?" says he with a +sigh; and seemed the only unhappy person in company. + +"Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of +dignity, "that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work--" + +"Woman!" cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own +way), "hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the +ruin of us hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. +Hark ye, Orlando, if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; +and if you'll take five hundred pounds for a half-share of the +shop, they're yours; and THAT'S for you, Mrs. Cox." + +And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back +shop, where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando +sits yonder, plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as +may be; and Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can +imagine all day long, and are just now giving the finishing touches +to the bridal-dresses: for the wedding is to take place the day +after to-morrow. I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very +day; and as for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of +China and all his Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of +our friends and neighbors, to celebrate our reappearance among +them; and very merry we all were. We had a capital fiddler, and we +kept it up till a pretty tidy hour this morning. We begun with +quadrills, but I never could do 'em well; and after that, to please +Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gallopard, which I found +anything but easy: for since I am come back to a life of peace and +comfort, it's astonishing how stout I'm getting. So we turned at +once to what Jemmy and me excels in--a country dance; which is +rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town life. As +for young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox +says is very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the +sea. But stop! here comes in the punchbowls; and if we are not +happy, who is? I say I am like the Swish people, for I can't +flourish out of my native HAIR. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext Burlesques, by William M. 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