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diff --git a/2675.txt b/2675.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..79528b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/2675.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17192 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Burlesques + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 21, 2006 [EBook #2675] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUES *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson + + + + + +BURLESQUES + + +By William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +CONTENTS + + +NOTES BY EMINENT HANDS. + + +George de Barnwell. By Sir E. L. B. L., Bart. + +Codlingsby. By D. Shrewsberry, Esq. + +Phil Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-Oneth. By Harry Rollicker + +Barbazure. By G. P. R. Jeames, Esq., etc. + +Lords and Liveries. By the Authoress of "Dukes and Dejeuners," "Hearts +and Diamonds," "Marchionesses and Milliners," etc., etc. + +Crinoline. By Je-mes Pl-sh, Esq. + +The Stars and Stripes. By the Author of "The Last of the Mulligans," +"Pilot," etc. + +A Plan for a Prize Novel + + + +THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., WITH HIS LETTERS. + + +A Lucky Speculator + +The Diary + +Jeames on Time Bargings + +Jeames on the Gauge Question + +Mr. Jeames Again + + + +THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. + + +I. "Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction" + +II. Allyghur and Laswaree + +III. A Peep into Spain.--Account of the Origin and Services of the +Ahmednuggar Irregulars + +IV. The Indian Camp--the Sortie from the Fort + +V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife + +VI. Famine in the Garrison + +VII. The Escape + +VIII. The Captive + +IX. Surprise of Futtyghur + + + +A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. + + +I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg + +II. The Godesbergers + +III. The Festival + +IV. The Flight + +V. The Traitor's Doom + +VI. The Confession + +VII. The Sentence + +VIII. The Childe of Godesberg + +IX. The Lady of Windeck + +X. The Battle of the Bowmen + +XI. The Martyr of Love + +XII. The Champion + +XIII. The Marriage + + + +REBECCA AND ROWENA; A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE. + + +CHAPTER + +I. The Overture--Commencement of the Business + +II. The Last Days of the Lion + +III. St. George for England + +IV. Ivanhoe Redivivus + +V. Ivanhoe to the Rescue + +VI. Ivanhoe the Widower + +VII. The End of the Performance + + + +THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. + + +I. -- + + +II. Henry V. and Napoleon III + +III. The Advance of the Pretenders--Historical Review + +IV. The Battle of Rheims + +V. The Battle of Tours + +VI. The English under Jenkins + +VII. The Leaguer of Paris + +VIII. The Battle of the Forts + +IX. Louis XVII + + + +COX'S DIARY. + + +The Announcement + +First Rout + +A Day with the Surrey Hounds + +The Finishing Touch + +A New Drop-Scene at the Opera + +Striking a Balance + +Down at Beulah + +A Tournament + +Over-Boarded and Under-Lodged + +Notice to Quit + +Law Life Assurance + +Family Bustle + + + + +NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. + + + + +GEORGE DE BARNWELL + +BY SIR E. L. B. L., BART. + + +VOL I. + + +In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their +offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, He is eternal. He has his +Mother's ravishing smile; his Father's steadfast eyes. He rises every +day, fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever +young. Dark, dark were this world of ours had either Divinity left +it--dark without the day-beams of the Latonian Charioteer, darker yet +without the daedal Smile of the God of the Other Bow! Dost know him, +reader? + +Old is he, Eros, the ever young. He and Time were children together. +Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable. Brightest of the +Divinities, where hast thou not been sung? Other worships pass away; +the idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling +and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes no longer rise +among the quivering olive-groves of Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets +of the amethyst Aegean! These are gone, but thou remainest. There is +still a garland for thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah, +many a darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless +One, and the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries +from the bleeding hearts of men! + +While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing? In Kingly +and Heroic ages, 'twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake. But in +these, our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The +people To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of old did +the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate of the crowned +Agamemnon. + +Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? Fate, Passion, +Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the Furies that +tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us Still? are not these +still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of his palette? the chords +of his lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale--not of Kings--but of Men--not +of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief, and Crime. Listen, and but once +more. 'Tis for the last time (probably) these fingers shall sweep the +strings. + +E. L. B. L. + + +NOONDAY IN CHEPE. + + +'Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty River City!--its banks +wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man! The toppling +wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded equipage +of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger vehicle from the green +metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of our Babylon), in which +every traveller might, for a modest remuneration, take a republican +seat; the mercenary caroche, with its private freight; the brisk +curricle of the letter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet: these and a +thousand others were laboring and pressing onward, and locked and bound +and hustling together in the narrow channel of Chepe. The imprecations +of the charioteers were terrible. From the noble's broidered +hammer-cloth, or the driving-seat of the common coach, each driver +assailed the other with floods of ribald satire. The pavid matron within +the one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pittance) +shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to his office (to add +another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over the blazoned panels, +and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his very Menials could +not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they gayly threaded the +Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of the scene, +and exacerbated the already furious combatants by their poignant +infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as he regarded the hot strife and +struggle of these Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh +of the Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene. + +'Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. The flaunting windows +of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering panes behind +which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to +pause: although only noon, the savory odors of the Cook Shops tempted +the over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to the fragrant potage +that mocks the turtle's flavor--the turtle! O dapibus suprimi grata +testudo Jovis! I am an Alderman when I think of thee! Well: it was noon +in Chepe. + +But were all battling for gain there? Among the many brilliant shops +whose casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century back (about +which period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce. +A rudely carved image of a negro, with a fantastic plume and apron of +variegated feathers, decorated the lintel. The East and West had sent +their contributions to replenish the window. + +The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of +swarthy sugar marked "ONLY 6 1/2d."--That catty box, on which was the +epigraph "STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d," was from the country of +Confutzee--that heap of dark produce bore the legend "TRY OUR REAL +NUT"--'Twas Cocoa--and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has refreshed +the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher. The shop in +question was, in a word, a Grocer's. + +In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to judge +from his appearance (though 'twas a difficult task, as, in sooth, his +back was turned), had just reached that happy period of life when the +Boy is expanding into the Man. O Youth, Youth! Happy and Beautiful! O +fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet lies on the flowers, +ere they have been scorched and withered by Passion's fiery Sun! +Immersed in thought or study, and indifferent to the din around him, sat +the boy. A careless guardian was he of the treasures confided to him. +The crowd passed in Chepe; he never marked it. The sun shone on Chepe; +he only asked that it should illumine the page he read. The knave might +filch his treasures; he was heedless of the knave. The customer might +enter; but his book was all in all to him. + +And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the +counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing at +the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the homely and +tightened garments he wore. + +"Ahem! sir! I say, young man!" the customer exclaimed. + +"Ton d'apameibomenos prosephe," read on the student, his voice choked +with emotion. "What language!" he said; "how rich, how noble, how +sonorous! prosephe podas--" + +The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery, that +the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for the first +time remarked her. "A pretty grocer's boy you are," she cried, "with +your applepiebomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kept waiting +for hever?" + +"Pardon, fair Maiden," said he, with high-bred courtesy: "'twas not +French I read, 'twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard. In +what can I be serviceable to ye, lady?" and to spring from his desk, to +smooth his apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no +more, was the work of a moment. + +"I might have prigged this box of figs," the damsel said good-naturedly, +"and you'd never have turned round." + +"They came from the country of Hector," the boy said. "Would you have +currants, lady? These once bloomed in the island gardens of the blue +Aegean. They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is low; they're +fourpence-halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our teas? We +do not advertise, as some folks do: but sell as low as any other house." + +"You're precious young to have all these good things," the girl +exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation. "If I +was you, and stood behind the counter, I should be eating figs the whole +day long." + +"Time was," answered the lad, "and not long since I thought so too. I +thought I never should be tired of figs. But my old uncle bade me take +my fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them." + +"I think you gentlemen are always so," the coquette said. + +"Nay, say not so, fair stranger!" the youth replied, his face kindling +as he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire. "Figs pall; but oh! the +Beautiful never does. Figs rot; but oh! the Truthful is eternal. I was +born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for +the Visionary. I stand behind the counter, it is true; but I ponder here +upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages. What is +grocery for one who has ambition? What sweetness hath Muscovada to him +who hath tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true +Real, and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination. But pardon me; with +what may I serve thee?" + +"I came only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust," the girl said, with a +faltering voice; "but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for ever!" + +Only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust? Girl, thou camest for other things! +Thou lovedst his voice? Siren! what was the witchery of thine own? He +deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the little hand. She paid +for her small purchase, and with a farewell glance of her lustrous eyes, +she left him. She passed slowly through the portal, and in a moment +was lost in the crowd. It was noon in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was +alone. + + +Vol. II. + + +We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to +anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which most +readers are familiar. + +Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the tale +is briefly thus: + +The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer's shop in +Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs, half a dozen +times in the week. + +She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal +attachment. + +This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom swells with ambition. +His genius breaks out prodigiously. He talks about the Good, the +Beautiful, the Ideal, &c., in and out of all season, and is virtuous and +eloquent almost beyond belief--in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford, or +E. Aram, Esquires. + +Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in the +world which he is destined to ornament. He outdoes all the dandies, +all the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries of the age--an +indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and George II.--dines +with Curll at St. John's Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel behind +Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the Chevalier St. +George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and +likewise in disguise at the shop in Cheapside. + +His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very little +taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business to the +pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble Barnwells came. +George's cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret passion +for him. + +Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant +little chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to +present an age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and +correct as that in the "Last of the Barons," or in "Eugene Aram," or +other works of our author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True +and Beautiful, are united. + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +BUTTON'S IN PALL MALL. + + +Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence which +society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall Mall, and +which, because they knock you down with their dulness, are called Clubs +no doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James's Street, at a +half-score of other dandies gaping from another bay-window over the way; +those who consult a dreary evening paper for news, or satisfy themselves +with the jokes of the miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town +of the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some +six or eight score years back. Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St. +James's Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy +suffocating waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the +same quarter? The Brougham from which thou descendest at the portal of +the "Carlton" or the "Travellers'," is like everybody else's; thy +black coat has no more plaits, nor buttons, nor fancy in it than thy +neighbor's; thy hat was made on the very block on which Lord Addlepate's +was cast, who has just entered the Club before thee. You and he yawn +together out of the same omnibus-box every night; you fancy yourselves +men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves men of fashion; you fancy +yourselves men of taste; in fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy, +the newspaper legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes and +your thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom--poor Pall Mall dullards. +Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you at present occupy, +there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some five-and-twenty +lustres ago. + +We are at Button's--the well-known sign of the "Turk's Head." The crowd +of periwigged heads at the windows--the swearing chairmen round the +steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the +lofty rank of their owners),--the throng of embroidered beaux entering +or departing, and rendering the air fragrant with the odors of pulvillio +and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort of London's Wit and +Fashion. It is the corner of Regent Street. Carlton House has not yet +been taken down. + +A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate +at one of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit is +likewise embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A +little deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the Morning Chronicle +newspaper by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and a shovel +hat and cassock, is talking freely with a gentleman, whose star and +ribbon, as well as the unmistakable beauty of his Phidian countenance, +proclaims him to be a member of Britain's aristocracy. + +Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the other +with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating Race, are +gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club, +but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite +dish, the muffin (then newly invented), at the desire of some of the +revellers within. + +"I would, Sam," said the wild youth to his companion, "that I had some +of my mother Macclesfield's gold, to enable us to eat of those cates and +mingle with yon springalds and beaux." + +"To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy," said the youth +addressed as Sam, "might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the cheek +of the parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life when History +fortifies endurance: and past study renders present deprivation more +bearable. If our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution, +Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we desire to-day +would little benefit us to-morrow. Poor and hungry as we are, are we +less happy, Dick, than yon listless voluptuary who banquets on the food +which you covet?" + +And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the "Parthenon" +Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel at a neighboring +cook's shop. Their names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage. + +Meanwhile the conversation at Button's was fast and brilliant. "By +Wood's thirteens, and the divvle go wid 'em," cried the Church dignitary +in the cassock, "is it in blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir +Richard, when you ought to be in seebles?" + +"Who's dead, Dean?" said the nobleman, the dean's companion. + +"Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name's Jonathan +Swift--and I'm not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father's +name?--there's been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely. A child +of Dick Steele's has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered, +and it's Joe Addison yondther has done it. Ye should have killed one of +your own, Joe, ye thief of the world." + +"I!" said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; "I kill Dick's +child! I was godfather to the last." + +"And promised a cup and never sent it," Dick ejaculated. Joseph looked +grave. + +"The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet. What +made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? The whole town is in tears about the +good knight; all the ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning; +all the booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the copies +of the Spectator are sold since the death of the brave old gentleman." +And the Dean of St. Patrick's pulled out the Spectator newspaper, +containing the well-known passage regarding Sir Roger's death. "I bought +it but now in 'Wellington Street,'" he said; "the newsboys were howling +all down the Strand." + +"What a miracle is Genius--Genius, the Divine and Beautiful," said a +gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed cavalier +in iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in fact Mr. +Alexander Pope. "What a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege +of Art! To make the Ideal more credible than the Actual: to enchain +our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets, our tears, for a mere +brain-born Emanation: to invest with life the Incorporeal, and to +glamour the cloudy into substance,--these are the lofty privileges of +the Poet, if I have read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the +sounds that rang from Homer's lyre, as with the strains which celebrate +the loss of Belinda's lovely locks"--(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly +delighted)--"these, I say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet--the +Poietes--the Maker--he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot +charm death into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty +out of Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal. Ho! Jemmy, +another flask of Nantz." + +And the boy--for he who addressed the most brilliant company of wits in +Europe was little more--emptied the contents of the brandy-flask into +a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of the company +assembled. 'Twas the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently, +and with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee-house, +and was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past the National Gallery. + +"Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe Addison himself, in +drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the three kingdoms," +Dick Steele said, good-naturedly. + +"His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard," the +Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed. "He is the author of that famous +No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the credit." + +"The rascal foiled me at capping verses," Dean Swift said, "and won a +tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!" + +"He has suggested an emendation in my 'Homer,' which proves him a +delicate scholar," Mr. Pope exclaimed. + +"He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and we +must have an eye upon him," said Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of +State for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who +was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him something. + +Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all the +wits of London with admiration? His galloping charger had returned to +the City; his splendid court-suit was doffed for the citizen's gabardine +and grocer's humble apron. + +George de Barnwell was in Chepe--in Chepe, at the feet of Martha +Millwood. + + +VOL III. + +THE CONDEMNED CELL. + + +"Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor? Nay," George added, a +faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, "why speak to thee in +the accents of the Roman poet, which thou comprehendest not? Bright One, +there be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth, +this Heart on which thou leanest, which are equally unintelligible to +thee! Yes, my pretty one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what +is the Ideal but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And +the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders +by the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck before +that Azure Mystery." + +Emily's eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew. "Speak on, speak ever thus, +my George," she exclaimed. Barnwell's chains rattled as the confiding +girl clung to him. Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed to sit with the +Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate language, and also +burst into tears. + +"You weep, my Snoggin," the Boy said; "and why? Hath Life been so +charming to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no +after-Weariness? Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory no +Mockery? Psha! I am sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine +and Wit, and--nay, start not, my Adelaide--and Woman. I fling away all +these things as the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul's Nursery. I am +a Man, and pine for the Illimitable! Mark you me! Has the Morrow any +terrors for me, think ye? Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca +blench in his bath? Did Brutus shirk the sword when his great stake was +lost? Did even weak Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent's fatal nip? And +why should I? My great Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit. +Lie sheathed in my heart, thou flashing Blade! Welcome to my Bosom, thou +faithful Serpent; I hug thee, peace-bearing Image of the Eternal! +Ha, the hemlock cup! Fill high, boy, for my soul is thirsty for +the Infinite! Get ready the bath, friends; prepare me for the feast +To-morrow--bathe my limbs in odors, and put ointment in my hair." + +"Has for a bath," Snoggin interposed, "they're not to be 'ad in this +ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little hoil for +your 'air." + +The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. "My guardian understands +me not, pretty one--and thou? what sayest thou? From those dear lips +methinks--plura sunt oscula quam sententiae--I kiss away thy tears, +dove!--they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will dry, and +presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they have beamed on +poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not all forget him, sweet one. He +was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for all the world said--" + +"That, that he had," cried the gaoler and the girl in voices gurgling +with emotion. And you who read! you unconvicted Convict--you murderer, +though haply you have slain no one--you Felon in posse if not in +esse--deal gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has failed +thee--and believe that the Truthful and the Beautiful bloom sometimes in +the dock and the convict's tawny Gabardine! + +***** + +In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought to +acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. "It may be an error of +judgment," he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol, "but it is no +crime. Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no remorse, +Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry: therefore, I am innocent. Is the +proposition a fair one?" + +The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested. + +"And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow," the Boy resumed, "for +ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was dross, +and who never had a feeling for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I +stood before my uncle in the moonlight, in the gardens of the ancestral +halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that it was the Nemesis come to +overthrow him. 'Dog,' I said to the trembling slave, 'tell me where +thy Gold is. THOU hast no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the +Poverty on which thou tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest +not; in uplifting Art, to which thou art blind. Give Gold, and thou art +free.' But he spake not, and I slew him." + +"I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated," said the +admirable chaplain, "for its general practice might chance to do harm. +Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and Beloved, the +Poet and Sage, urged by what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast +appeared as Avenger. Think what would be the world's condition, were men +without any Yearning after the Ideal to attempt to reorganize Society, +to redistribute Property, to avenge Wrong." + +"A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven," said the noble though misguided +young Prisoner. "Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell." + +"Yes, indeed, my brave youth!" the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed, +clasping the Prisoner's marble and manacled hand; "and the Tragedy of +To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted +even to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal and the +Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Real likewise." + +"Look! here is supper!" cried Barnwell gayly. "This is the Real, Doctor; +let us respect it and fall to." He partook of the meal as joyously as +if it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could +scarcely eat it for tears. + + * This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is + expressed much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of + Eugene Aram:--"The burning desires I have known--the + resplendent visions I have nursed--the sublime aspirings + that have lifted me so often from sense and clay: these tell + me, that whether for good or ill, I am the thing of an + immortality and the creature of a God. . . . I have + destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by + which he afflicted society, I have been the means of + blessing many." + + + + +CODLINGSBY. + +BY D. SHREWSBERRY, ESQ. + + +I. + + +"The whole world is bound by one chain. In every city in the globe +there is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize from +its likeness to its brother district in all other places where are +congregated the habitations of men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or +New York, or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where a +certain man is not a stranger. Where the idols are fed with incense by +the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the minarets soar sparkling above +the cypresses, their reflections quivering in the lucid waters of the +Golden Horn; where the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and over +imperial glories; where the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the +palm-trees; where the Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its +bridges, its graceful factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes--hidden in +fog and smoke by the dirtiest river in the world--in all the cities of +mankind there is One Home whither men of one family may resort. Over the +entire world spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering, silent, scattered, +sympathizing, WAITING--an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread +band was an Arabian clan--a little nation alone and outlying amongst the +mighty monarchies of ancient time, the Megatheria of history. The sails +of their rare ships might be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of +their caravans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the +date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in +many wars, against mighty odds; but 'twas a small people, and on one +dark night the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian's Eagles, and in +flame, and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . . Yes, +the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken the world +in exchange?" + +Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he debouched +from Wych Street into the Strand. He had been to take a box for Armida +at Madame Vestris's theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame +Vestris's theatre; and her little brougham, and her little self, and +her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her miraculous +bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty guineas every evening at +Nathan's in Covent Garden (the children of the gardeners of Sharon have +still no rival for flowers), might be seen, three nights in the week at +least, in the narrow, charming, comfortable little theatre. Godfrey had +the box. He was strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts +passed through the young noble's mind as he came in sight of Holywell +Street. + +The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in +the evening sunshine. Children were playing on the steps. Fathers were +smoking at the lintel. Smiling faces looked out from the various and +darkling draperies with which the warehouses were hung. Ringlets glossy, +and curly, and jetty--eyes black as night--midsummer night--when it +lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks of eagles--eager quivering +nostrils--lips curved like the bow of Love--every man or maiden, every +babe or matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one or more +of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race. + +"How beautiful they are!" mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these placid +groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset. + +"D'you vant to look at a nishe coat?" a voice said, which made him +start; and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of +Stultz's with a familiarity which would have made the baron tremble. + +"Rafael Mendoza!" exclaimed Godfrey. + +"The same, Lord Codlingsby," the individual so apostrophized replied. "I +told you we should meet again where you would little expect me. Will it +please you to enter? this is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices +my heart to welcome you home." So saying Rafael laid his hand on his +breast, and bowed, an oriental reverence. All traces of the accent with +which he first addressed Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise; +half the Hebrew's life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, since +the Norman boors persecuted him. + +They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies, greasy +spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and hideous as the +entrance was foul. "THIS your home, Rafael?" said Lord Codlingsby. + +"Why not?" Rafael answered. "I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein; the +Rhine bores me after a while. It is too hot for Florence; besides they +have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place smells of putty. +You wouldn't have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in +Normandy, out of the hunting season? The Rugantino Palace stupefies me. +Those Titians are so gloomy, I shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I +think, from my house at the Hague hung over them." + +"How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you, +Rafael?" Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing. + +"This is one," Rafael answered. "Come in." + + +II. + + +The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming sullenly +over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary's was clanging with alarm; St. +Giles's tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, flights of brickbats, +stones shivering windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened +females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the enemy from +Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed that the battle was at its +height. + +In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the cuirassiers +would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that infuriate mob. In +France they would have brought down artillery, and played on it with +twenty-four pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance--it was +a Town and Gown row. + +The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout +Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the Brazenose +light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words arose regarding +the dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the boats pulled +back to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance between the Townsmen and +the University youths--their invariable opponents--grew louder and more +violent, until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmishing +took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the University gate +down to the broad and shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of +Balliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young +sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar +of the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful +butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great +University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the +combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection. + +During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a +narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a hundred +yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have a good view +of that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few rapid +strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong ahead; then he +would wait, surveying the race, and sending up volumes of odor from his +cool narghilly. + +"Who is he?" asked the crowds who panted along the shore, encouraging, +according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the oarsmen in the race. +Town and Gown alike asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking, +in a barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a skill so +prodigious, beat their best men. No answer could be given to the query, +save that a gentleman in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six +fourgons and a courier, had arrived the day before at the "Hoop Inn," +opposite Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the +individual in question. + +No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any +that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman. That +boat--slim, shining, and shooting through the water like a pike after +a small fish--was a caique from Tophana; it had distanced the Sultan's +oarsmen and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus; it +was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The +Bashee had refused fifty thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the +Russian Ambassador, for that little marvel. When his head was taken off, +the Father of Believers presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza. + +It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the battle +of Nezeeb. By sending three millions of piastres to the Seraskier; by +bribing Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in the camp of the +victorious Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped--the +menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin; the Marchioness of +Stokepogis, our ambassador's lady, appeared in a suite of diamonds which +outblazed even the Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the +little caique. He never travelled without it. It was scarcely heavier +than an arm-chair. Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the +Cam that morning, and Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have +mentioned. + +The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed, +full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown was angry, the Town, too, +was on the alert. From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from +wharf and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the enemy, and their +battle was soon general. From the Addenbrook's hospital to the Blenheim +turnpike, all Cambridge was in an uproar--the college gates closed--the +shops barricaded--the shop-boys away in support of their brother +townsmen--the battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight. + +A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at his +inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university cooks to +entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water formed his +meal. In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the +slighted banquet. "A breakfast! psha!" said he. "My good man, I have +nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from four hundred a year. I can have +a dinner at any hour; but a Town and Gown row" (a brickbat here flying +through the window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza's hand)--"a +Town and Gown row is a novelty to me. The Town has the best of it, +clearly, though: the men outnumber the lads. Ha, a good blow! How that +tall townsman went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet +trencher cap." + +"That is the Lord Codlingsby," the landlord said. + +"A light weight, but a pretty fighter," Mendoza remarked. "Well hit with +your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby; claret drawn, +by Jupiter!" + +"Ours is werry fine," the landlord said. "Will your Highness have +Chateau Margaux or Lafitte?" + +"He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!" Rafael +exclaimed, as an enormous boatman--no other than Rullock--indeed, the +most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose fists the Gownsmen +went down like ninepins--fought his way up to the spot where, with +admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and one or two of his +friends were making head against a number of the town. + +The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his race, +but was no match for the enemy's strength and weight and sinew, and +went down at every round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. His +savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal combat from the +inn-window. "Hold your hand!" he cried to this Goliath; "don't you see +he's but a boy?" + +"Down he goes again!" the bargeman cried, not heeding the interruption. +"Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!" + +"Coward!" shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a shower +of brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one of the +pillars to the ground, was an instant's work. + +At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman. + +***** + +After the coroner's inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to each of +the bargeman's ten children, and it was thus his first acquaintance was +formed with Lord Codlingsby. + +But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell Street. +Let us go in. + + +III. + + +Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of the +old mansion in Holywell Street. It was a masquerade warehouse to all +appearance. A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing at the dark +and grimy counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow hoots, old +stage mantles, painted masks, blind and yet gazing at you with a look of +sad death-like intelligence from the vacancy behind their sockets. + +A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny and +silver, slashed with dirty light blue. He was going to a masquerade that +night. He thought Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress--Polly +Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work--the Borough Venus, adored by +half the youth of Guy's. + +"You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint," pretty Rachel said, coaxing +him with her beady black eyes. + +"It IS the cheese," replied Mr. Lint; "it ain't the dress that don't +suit, my rose of Sharon; it's the FIGURE. Hullo, Rafael, is that you, +my lad of sealing-wax? Come and intercede for me with this wild gazelle; +she says I can't have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it's too +much: cuss me if it's not too much, unless you'll take my little bill at +two months, Rafael." + +"There's a sweet pretty brigand's dress you may have for half de +monish," Rafael replied; "there's a splendid clown for eight bob; but +for dat Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve'd ask a guinea +of any but you. Here's a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look 'ear, +Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat?" So saying, Rafael +turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost gravity, and displayed to him +the garment about which the young medicus was haggling. + +"Cheap at the money," Codlingsby replied; "if you won't make up your +mind, sir, I should like to engage it myself." But the thought that +another should appear before Polly Pattens in that costume was too much +for Mr. Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment. +And Rafael, pocketing the money with perfect simplicity, said, "Dis vay, +Mr. Brownsh: dere's someting vill shoot you in the next shop." + +Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering. + +"You are surprised at our system," said Rafael, marking the evident +bewilderment of his friend. "Confess you would call it meanness--my +huckstering with yonder young fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away +a shilling without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four men's +bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers by holding them out relief +in their necessity? It is you who are mean--you Normans--not we of the +ancient race. You have your vulgar measurement for great things and +small. You call a thousand pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable. +Psha, my Codlingsby! One is as the other. I trade in pennies and in +millions. I am above or below neither." + +They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of cedar, +and, in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the young +Hebrews are in the habit of vending through the streets. "I have sold +bundles and bundles of these," said Rafael. "My little brother is now +out with oranges in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be head of our +house at Amsterdam. We all do it. I had myself to see Rothschild in +Eaton Place this morning, about the Irish loan, of which I have taken +three millions: and as I wanted to walk, I carried the bag. + +"You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the Archbishop +of Croydon's daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet's, Knightsbridge, +and as she fancied she recognized in the man who was crying old clothes +the gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de St. Aulair's the +night before." Something like a blush flushed over the pale features of +Mendoza as he mentioned the Lady Lauda's name. "Come on," said he. They +passed through various warehouses--the orange room, the sealing-wax +room, the six-bladed knife department, and finally came to an old baize +door. Rafael opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they +were in a black passage, with a curtain at the end. + +He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew back, +and a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his visitor. + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +They entered a moderate-sized apartment--indeed, Holywell Street is not +above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than half that +length--it was fitted up with the simple taste of its owner. + +The carpet was of white velvet--(laid over several webs of Aubusson, +Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it trod +upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed you)--of +white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by +Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and Paul Delaroche. +The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and fringed with Valenciennes +lace and bullion. The walls were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered +with gold figures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses, +and passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The drops of dew +which the artificer had sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds. The +hangings were overhung by pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the +gorgeous, Titian the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of +Painting), some of Murillo's beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you +out of darkness like a star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and +fifty of the master-pieces of the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial +genius of Urbino, covered the walls of the little chamber. Divans of +carved amber covered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst +was a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double-distilled +otto of roses. + +"Pipes, Goliath!" Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver +collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); "and welcome +to our snuggery, my Codlingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of +the house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I'm proud of my pictures. +That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a gift to our father from my +cousin, Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie +Antoinette before the flight to Varennes--the poor lady could not +redeem the pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us. As for the +Rafael, I suppose you are aware that he was one of our people. But what +are you gazing at? Oh! my sister--I forgot. Miriam! this is the Lord +Codlingsby." + +She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl +music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz. She rose when thus apostrophized. +Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger. + +The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives--Zillah the dark beauty; +Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva +were golden. The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were morning. +Codlingsby was fair--of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa--they +called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much fairer was Miriam the +Hebrew! + +Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the delight +of all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at. It was of +burning auburn. Meandering over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand +minute ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue velvet +fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued at two hundred thousand +tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant Vicovich, who had received it from +Dost Mahomed), with a simple bird of paradise, formed her head-gear. A +sea-green cymar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded +arms to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over +a yellow satin frock. Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and +slippers of the same color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but +so covered with pearls that the original hue of the charming little +papoosh disappeared entirely) completed her costume. She had three +necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess--her fingers +glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and priceless bracelets, +bangles, and armlets wound round an arm that was whiter than the ivory +grand piano on which it leaned. + +As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the solemn +welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the brightness of +her beauty. It was well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to +consciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recognition, he sank +upon a sandalwood settee, as Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic +coffee in cups of opal, and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the +fragrant Gibelly. + +"My lord's pipe is out," said Miriam with a smile, remarking the +bewilderment of her guest--who in truth forgot to smoke--and taking up +a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it at +the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk of Lord +Codlingsby. + + +IV. + + +When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a signal +from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of the ivory +piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he were listening +at the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny Lind. + +"Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of +Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or Lewis +or Lyons or Lion. The beautiful and the brave alike give cognizances +to the ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or +Rodgers," Rafael observed to his friend; and, drawing the instrument +from his pocket, he accompanied his sister, in the most ravishing +manner, on a little gold and jewelled harp, of the kind peculiar to his +nation. + +All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by composers +of her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca by Braham, a +delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on +the strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the +heart; but she sang no other than the songs of her nation. + +"Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always," Codlingsby thought. "I +could sit at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that +Paradise-birds were singing in the boughs." + +Rafael read his thoughts. "We have Saxon blood too in our veins," +he said. "You smile! but it is even so. An ancestress of ours made +a mesalliance in the reign of your King John. Her name was Rebecca, +daughter of Isaac of York, and she married in Spain, whither she had +fled to the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe; then a +widower by the demise of his first lady, Rowena. The match was deemed a +cruel insult amongst our people but Wilfred conformed, and was a Rabbi +of some note at the synagogue of Cordova. We are descended from him +lineally. It is the only blot upon the escutcheon of the Mendozas." + +As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having +retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the soul +of the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers from the +outer apartments came in to transact business with him. + +First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers to +sign. "How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is your +son tired of his yacht yet?" Mendoza asked. "That is my twenty-fourth +cashier," said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went +away. "He is fond of display, and all my people may have what money they +like." + +Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his mortgage. The +Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a haughty air, shrank +back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding the magnificence around +him. "Little Mordecai," said Rafael to a little orange-boy, who came in +at the heels of the noble, "take this gentleman out and let him have ten +thousand pounds. I can't do more for you, my lord, than this--I'm busy. +Good-by!" And Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking his +narghilly. + +A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache, came +next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily upon his +high-heeled boots. "Tell your master that he shall have two millions +more, but not another shilling," Rafael said. "That story about the +five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all bosh. They +won't believe it in Europe. You understand me, Count Grogomoffski?" + +"But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the knout +unless--" + +"Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court," said +Mendoza good-naturedly. "Leave me at peace, Count: don't you see it is +Friday, and almost sunset?" The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left +an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him. + +An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping +bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new loan +for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid colloquy in +his own language, was dismissed by Rafael. + +"The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be disposed +of," Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from Spain, General +the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him. "Which shall it be, my Codlingsby?" +Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer--for indeed he was amazed to +find all the affairs of the world represented here, and Holywell Street +the centre of Europe--when three knocks of a peculiar nature were heard, +and Mendoza starting up, said, "Ha! there are only four men in the world +who know that signal." At once, and with a reverence quite distinct from +his former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer. + +He was an old man--an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race--the +light of his eyes was unfathomable--about his mouth there played an +inscrutable smile. He had a cotton umbrella, and old trousers, and old +boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear. + +He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made him +the lowest reverence. + +"I am tired," says he; "I have come in fifteen hours. I am ill at +Neuilly," he added with a grin. "Get me some eau sucree, and tell me the +news, Prince de Mendoza. These bread rows; this unpopularity of Guizot; +this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and +daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against Coletti, makes me quite +ill. Give me your opinion, my dear duke. But ha! whom have we here?" + +The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language +to address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have pleaded +ignorance of that tongue. But he had been at Cambridge, where all the +youth acquire it perfectly. + +"SIRE," said he, "I will not disguise from you that I know the ancient +tongue in which you speak. There are probably secrets between Mendoza +and your Maj--" + +"Hush!" said Rafael, leading him from the room. "Au revoir, dear +Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of US," he whispered at the door; "so is +the Pope of Rome; so is . . ."--a whisper concealed the rest. + +"Gracious powers! is it so?" said Codlingsby, musing. He entered into +Holywell Street. The sun was sinking. + +"It is time," said he, "to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic." + + + + +PHIL FOGARTY. + +A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH. + +BY HARRY ROLLICKER. + + +I. + + +The gabion was ours. After two hours' fighting we were in possession of +the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable as circumstances +would admit. Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and +myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our servants laid out a hasty +supper on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had escaped me so provokingly +after I cut him down, his spoils were mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna +sausage were found in the Marshal's holsters; and in the haversack of a +French private who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread, +his three days' ration. Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may +be sure, wherever the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him +in his instrument-case. We sat down and made a soldier's supper. The +Doctor pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees growing +near (and round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had made a +desperate rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere's helmet. + +"'Faith, it never had so much wit in it before," said the Doctor, as he +ladled out the drink. We all roared with laughing, except the guardsman, +who was as savage as a Turk at a christening. + +"Buvez-en," said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; "ca vous fera +du bien, mon vieux coq!" and the Colonel, whose wound had been just +dressed, eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with a +health to the donors. + +How strange are the chances of war! But half an hour before he and +I were engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my +conqueror. Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his horse, and +was about to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was parried +by my sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the next instant at my +throat--I was on the ground--my prisoner had escaped, and a gigantic +warrior in the uniform of a colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring +over me with pointed sword. + +"Rends-toi, coquin!" said he. + +"Allez an Diable!" said I: "a Fogarty never surrenders." + +I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in +Killaloo--I felt the tip of his blade between my teeth--I breathed a +prayer, and shut my eyes--when the tables were turned--the butt-end of +Lanty Clancy's musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held +it. + +"Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish," said the French officer, with a curse in +the purest Irish. It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough to bid +Lanty hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have brained my +gallant adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as what +gallant hearts are not? + +The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we +sat down to make the most of our time. The rogue of a Doctor took the +liver-wing for his share--we gave the other to our guest, a prisoner; +those scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs--and, +'faith, poor I was put off with the Pope's nose and a bit of the back. + +"How d'ye like his Holiness's FAYTURE?" said Jerry Blake. + +"Anyhow you'll have a MERRY THOUGHT," cried the incorrigible Doctor, and +all the party shrieked at the witticism. + +"De mortuis nil nisi bonum," said Jack, holding up the drumstick clean. + +"'Faith, there's not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED, anyhow," +said I; "come, boys, let's have a song." + +"Here goes," said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his own +composition-- + + "Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill, + And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill, + Was once Tommy Tosspot's, as jovial a sot, + As e'er drew a spigot, or drain'd a full pot-- + In drinking all round 'twas his joy to surpass, + And with all merry tipplers he swigg'd off his glass. + + "One morning in summer, while seated so snug, + In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug, + Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear, + And said, 'Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;' + We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can, + From which let us drink to the health of my Nan." + +"Psha!" said the Doctor, "I've heard that song before; here's a new one +for you, boys!" and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice-- + + "You've all heard of Larry O'Toole, + Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole; + He had but one eye, + To ogle ye by-- + Oh, murther, but that was a jew'l! + A fool + He made of de girls, dis O'Toole. + + "'Twas he was the boy didn't fail, + That tuck down pataties and mail; + He never would shrink + From any sthrong dthrink, + Was it whisky or Drogheda ale; + I'm bail + This Larry would swallow a pail. + + "Oh, many a night at the bowl, + With Larry I've sot cheek by jowl; + He's gone to his rest, + Where there's dthrink of the best, + And so let us give his old sowl + A howl, + For twas he made the noggin to rowl." + +I observed the French Colonel's eye glistened as he heard these +well-known accents of his country but we were too well-bred to pretend +to remark his emotion. + +The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were finished, and +each began to look out with some anxiety for the preconcerted signal, +the rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian's quarters, which was to announce +the recommencement of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her +silver splendor, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to the earth at +the feet of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts +at the head of the storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns +in position opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by +a tremendous canonnade from the fort. + +"Who's going to dance?" said the Doctor: "the ball's begun. Ha! there +goes poor Jack Delamere's head off! The ball chose a soft one, anyhow. +Come here, Tim, till I mend your leg. Your wife has need only knit half +as many stockings next year, Doolan my boy. Faix! there goes a big one +had wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad! it has snuffed the feather off +my cocked hat!" + +In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail, the +undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty. That he had +a feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more so than +Philip Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war. + +Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the +Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little. "Be cool, +boys," I said; "it will be hot enough work for you ere long." The +honest fellows answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our +prisoner. + +"Countryman," said I, "I know you; but an Irishman was never a traitor." + +"Taisez-vous!" said he, putting his finger to his lip. "C'est la +fortune de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the Marquis d' +O'Mahony, and I may render you the hospitality which your tyrannous laws +prevent me from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race." + +I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye. It was, +then, the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a Marquis by +Napoleon on the field of Austerlitz! + +"Marquis," said I, "the country which disowns you is proud of you; +but--ha! here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance." And in +fact, Captain Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot, asked for +the commander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in readiness +to move as soon as the flank companies of the Ninety-ninth, and +Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade of the German Legion began to +advance up the echelon. The devoted band soon arrived; Jack Bowser +heading the Ninety-ninth (when was he away and a storming-party to the +fore?), and the gallant Potztausend, with his Hanoverian veterans. + +The second rocket flew up. + +"Forward, Onety-oneth!" cried I, in a voice of thunder. "Killaloo boys, +follow your captain!" and with a shrill hurray, that sounded above the +tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep; Bowser with the +brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up with +us. We passed the demilune, we passed the culverin, bayoneting the +artillerymen at their guns; we advanced across the two tremendous +demilunes which flank the counterscarp, and prepared for the final +spring upon the citadel. Soult I could see quite pale on the wall; and +the scoundrel Cambaceres, who had been so nearly my prisoner that day, +trembled as he cheered his men. "On, boys, on!" I hoarsely exclaimed. +"Hurroo!" said the fighting Onety-oneth. + +But there was a movement among the enemy. An officer, glittering with +orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to the wall, +and I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat. + +"We are hardly pressed, methinks," Napoleon said sternly. "I must +exercise my old trade as an artilleryman;" and Murat loaded, and the +Emperor pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that had not +been silenced by our fire. + +"Hurray, Killaloo boys!" shouted I. The next moment a sensation of +numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the rampart. + + +II. + + +"Hush!" said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis d' +O'Mahony. "Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you. For six weeks +those are the only sane words I have heard from you." + +"Faix, and 'tis thrue for you, Colonel dear," cried another voice, with +which I was even more familiar; 'twas that of my honest and gallant +Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at his master's +recovery. + +"O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day intirely, +when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't write, to +the lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; and 'tis his +Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the letther! +Six weeks ravin' and roarin' as bould as a lion, and as mad as Mick +Malony's pig, that mistuck Mick's wig for a cabbage, and died of atin' +it!" + +"And have I then lost my senses?" I exclaimed feebly. + +"Sure, didn't ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday, +and catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora's jet-black +ringlets?" Lanty cried. + +At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young creature +I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of the bed, and +sailed out of the room. + +"Confusion, you blundering rogue," I cried; "who is that lovely lady +whom you frightened away by your impertinence? Donna Anna? Where am I?" + +"You are in good hands, Philip," said the Colonel; "you are at my house +in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military Governor. You +and Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do +not be ashamed: 'twas the Emperor pointed the gun;" and the Colonel took +off his hat as he mentioned the name darling to France. "When our troops +returned from the sally in which your gallant storming party was driven +back, you were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the +City. Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but, +unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved +my life in '98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris." + +"And many's the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther Phil," +said Clancy. + +"Brought you to Paris," resumed the Colonel, smiling; "where, by the +soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you have been +restored to health, thank heaven!" + +"And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?" I cried. + +"That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a descendant +of the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses, Madame la +Marechale de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria." + +"Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?" I cried. + +"Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?" the Colonel replied. "C'est +la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and take this +potion which Blanche has prepared for you." + +I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had compounded +it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for I sank into a +cool and refreshing slumber. + +From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of +youth's happy time. Blanche--the enchanting Blanche--ministered +henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily hand. +And what were the effects? 'Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was +over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for Baron Larrey, and +Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to the right-about. In a short +time I was in a situation to do justice to the gigot aux navets, the +boeuf aux cornichons, and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis's +board, with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen who +frequented it. + +"Wait till he's quite well, Miss," said Lanty, who waited always behind +me. "'Faith! when he's in health, I'd back him to ate a cow, barrin' the +horns and teel." I sent a decanter at the rogue's head, by way of answer +to his impertinence. + +Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole +withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot of +prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis's interest with the Emperor prevailed, +and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners, at the +Colonel's hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity (an +opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fellow with the +accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of mixing with the elite of +French society, and meeting with many of the great, the beautiful, +and the brave. Talleyrand was a frequent guest of the Marquis's. His +bon-mots used to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his chop +with us; Murat, when in town, constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and +friendly round game. Alas! who would have thought those two gallant +heads would be so soon laid low? My wife has a pair of earrings which +the latter, who always wore them, presented to her--but we are advancing +matters. Anybody could see, "avec un demioeil," as the Prince of +Benevento remarked, how affairs went between me and Blanche; but though +she loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his person, the +brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs upon her. + +I recollect it was on St. Patrick's Day. My lovely friend had procured, +from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved +a thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired +woman, between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of shamrock +wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris were invited +to the national festival. + +I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline Bonaparte +and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of sets with +Madame Recamier; and Robespierre's widow--an excellent, gentle creature, +quite unlike her husband--stood up with the Austrian ambassador. +Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and Nicholas Poussin, and +Canova, who was in town making a statue of the Emperor for Leo X., and, +in a word, all the celebrities of Paris--as my gifted countrywoman, the +wild Irish girl, calls them--were assembled in the Marquis's elegant +receiving-rooms. + +At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise! La Gigue +Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the Parisians ever +since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward +and took me for a partner, and amidst the bravoes of the crowd, in +which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram, and the Austrian +ambassador, we showed to the beau monde of the French capital, I flatter +myself, a not unfavorable specimen of the dance of our country. + +As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the +"rail" style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, "Be on your +guard; I see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about +us; and when Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good." + +"Cambaceres is jealous," said I. "I have it," says she; "I'll make him +dance a turn with me." So, presently, as the music was going like mad +all this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds, and sat down. +The lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Cambaceres as a +second partner. + +The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give himself +a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was speedily visible. +He puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops trickled down his purple +face, while my lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble +quick, till she fairly danced him down. + +"Who'll take the flure with me?" said the charming girl, animated by the +sport. + +"Faix, den, 'tis I, Lanty Clancy!" cried my rascal, who had been mad +with excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and a +hurroo, he began to dance with such rapidity as made all present stare. + +As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid cavalcade +traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the Marquis's door. A +crowd appeared to mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room +were flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties the Emperor and +the Empress. So engaged were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard +the tumult occasioned by the august approach. + +It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre Francais, and +seeing the Marquis's windows lighted up, proposed to the Empress to drop +in on the party. He made signs to the musicians to continue: and the +conqueror of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the simple +evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Empress smiled and, +seeing this, all the courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were +delighted. + +"Is not this a great day for Ireland?" said the Marquis, with a tear +trickling down his noble face. "O Ireland! O my country! But no more of +that. Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch +or negus." + +Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was +Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine by her +former marriage with a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack +of the old blood in him, Eugene's manners were much more refined than +those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the Emperor's Court, where (for +my knife and fork were regularly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my +poor friend Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the +gallant Massena devour pease by means of his knife, in a way more +innocent than graceful. Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at +these eccentricities of our brave friends; who certainly did not shine +in the drawing-room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle. +The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and was full of +kindness and attention. + +"I like Eugene," he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as his +way was--"I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows as you; +you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the camp have +none. And I like you, Philip my boy," he added, "for being so attentive +to my poor wife--the Empress Josephine, I mean." All these honors made +my friends at the Marquis's very proud, and my enemies at Court crever +with envy. Among these, the atrocious Cambaceres was not the least +active and envenomed. + +The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which, like +a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal amiability, +soon was apparent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from my +conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the war, the Emperor +was most anxious to attach me to his service. The Grand Cross of St. +Louis, the title of Count, the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the +l4me Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered to me; +and must I say it? Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one +of the agents employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason. + +"Object to enter a foreign service!" she said, in reply to my refusal. +"It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service. The Irish nation is in +exile, and in the territories of its French allies. Irish traitors are +not here; they march alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom +the great Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but for +the fatal valor of Irish mercenaries! Accept this offer, and my heart, +my hand, my all are yours. Refuse it, Philip, and we part." + +"To wed the abominable Cambaceres!" I cried, stung with rage. "To wear +a duchess's coronet, Blanche! Ha, ha! Mushrooms, instead of +strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French +nobility. I shall withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison--to +be exchanged--to die--anything rather than be a traitor, and the tool of +a traitress!" Taking up my hat, I left the room in a fury; and flinging +open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was listening at the +key-hole, and must have overheard every word of our conversation. + +We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter at +our mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only made me more mad; and, having +spurs on, I began digging them into Cambaceres' fat sides as we rolled +on the carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and anger. + +"This insult must be avenged with blood!" roared the Duke of Illyria. + +"I have already drawn it," says I, "with my spurs." + +"Malheur et malediction!" roared the Marshal. + +"Hadn't you better settle your wig?" says I, offering it to him on the +tip of my cane, "and we'll arrange time and place when you have put your +jasey in order." I shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast +at me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his mistress. + +"Lady Blanche," I continued bitterly, "as you look to share the Duke's +coronet, hadn't you better see to his wig?" and so saying, I cocked my +hat, and walked out of the Marquis's place, whistling "Garryowen." + +I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him in +the Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was looking +at the picture-shop in the corner. I explained to him my affair in a +twinkling. He at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended +me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had been made +to me. "I knew it would be so," he said, kindly; "I told my father you +wouldn't. A man with the blood of the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn't +wheel about like those fellows of yesterday." So, when Cambaceres came +out, which he did presently, with a more furious air than before, I +handed him at once over to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and +an early hour for the meeting to take place. + +"Can you make it before eleven, Phil?" said Beauharnais. "The Emperor +reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour, and we might +fight there handy before the review." + +"Done!" said I. "I want of all things to see the newly-arrived Saxon +cavalry manoeuvre:" on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as much as +to say, "See sights! Watch cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and +take measure for a coffin, my boy!" walked away, naming our mutual +acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in the business. + +I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of +Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at Salamanca, +with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top of him. Bugaboo +was too much and too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though +a showy horseman, was a bad rider across country; and I got the horse +for a song. A wickeder and uglier brute never wore pig-skin; and I never +put my leg over such a timber-jumper in my life. I rode the horse down +to the Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres +was to come off, and Lanty held him as I went in, "sure to win," as they +say in the ring. + +Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I, who +am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and that I +could wing him if I had a mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both +fired: I felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up my hand there, +found a large piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at the same moment, and +shrieking a horrible malediction, my adversary reeled and fell. + +"Mon Dieu, il est mort!" cried Ney. + +"Pas de tout," said Beauharnais. "Ecoute; il jure toujours." + +And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the ground +cursing most frightfully. We went up to him: he was blind with the +loss of blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He +recovered; but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto in the +French army, afterwards. The surgeon in attendance having taken charge +of this unfortunate warrior, we rode off to the review where Ney and +Eugene were on duty at the head of their respective divisions; and +where, by the way, Cambaceres, as the French say, "se faisait desirer." + +It was arranged that Cambaceres' division of six battalions and +nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement, supported +by artillery in the intervals, and converging by different epaulements +on the light infantry, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line. +It was by this famous manoeuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte, at +Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and +General Castanos were defeated with such victorious slaughter: but it +is a movement which, I need not tell every military man, requires the +greatest delicacy of execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army +into confusion. + +"Where is the Duke of Illyria?" Napoleon asked. "At the head of his +division, no doubt," said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an arch +look, put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall off my +horse with laughter. Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at this moment +the troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began, and his +Majesty's attention was taken off from my impudence. + +Milhaud's Dragoons, their bands playing "Vive Henri Quatre," their +cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre from the +left flank in the most brilliant order, while the Carbineers of Foy, and +the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet d'Erlon, executed a carambolade +on the right, with the precision which became those veteran troops; but +the Chasseurs of the young guard, marching by twos instead of threes, +bore consequently upon the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and +ill-affected body), and then, falling back in disorder, became entangled +with the artillery and the left centre of the line, and in one instant +thirty thousand men were in inextricable confusion. + +"Clubbed, by Jabers!" roared out Lanty Clancy. "I wish we could show 'em +the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling." + +"Silence, fellow!" I exclaimed. I never saw the face of man express +passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of Napoleon. He tore +off General Milhaud's epaulettes, which he flung into Foy's face. He +glared about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for the Duke +of Illyria. "He is wounded, Sire," said General Foy, wiping a tear from +his eye, which was blackened by the force of the blow; "he was wounded +an hour since in a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de +Fogarty." + +"Wounded! a marshal of France wounded! Where is the Englishman? Bring +him out, and let a file of grenadiers--" + +"Sire!" interposed Eugene. + +"Let him be shot!" shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me with +the fury of a fiend. + +This was too much. "Here goes!" said I, and rode slap at him. + +There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and +I should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in an +instant. But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had only +wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty +from this discharge. + +Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor's head, and Bugaboo went at +it like a shot. He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned quite +pale as I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely +brushing the cockade which he wore. + +"Bravo!" said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap. + +"Cut him down!" said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic +Cuirassier; and he made a pass at me with his sword. But he little knew +an Irishman on an Irish horse. Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and fetched the +monster a slap with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his +saddle,--and away I went, with an army of a hundred and seventy-three +thousand eight hundred men at my heels. * * * * + + + + +BARBAZURE. + +BY G. P. R. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC. + + +I. + + +It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only +known in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of Alsace, +that two cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked eye threading +one of the rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land +between the Marne and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the declining +luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which lined the path, through +which the horsemen wound slowly; and as these eternal battlements with +which Nature had hemmed in the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed +with the last tints of the fading sunlight, the valley below was gray +and darkling, and the hard and devious course was sombre in twilight. +A few goats, hardly visible among the peaks, were cropping the scanty +herbage here and there. The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks +as they trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up plaintive +echoes which moaned through those rocky and lonely steeps; the stars +began to glimmer in the purple heavens spread serenely overhead and +the faint crescent of the moon, which had peered for some time scarce +visible in the azure, gleamed out more brilliantly at every moment, +until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun's retreat. 'Tis a fair land +that of France, a gentle, a green, and a beautiful; the home of arts +and arms, of chivalry and romance, and (however sadly stained by the +excesses of modern times) 'twas the unbought grace of nations once, and +the seat of ancient renown and disciplined valor. + +And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and +bravery is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that one +over which our travellers wended, and which stretches between the good +towns of Vendemiaire and Nivose. 'Tis common now to a hundred thousand +voyagers: the English tourist, with his chariot and his Harvey's Sauce, +and his imperials; the bustling commis-voyageur on the roof of the +rumbling diligence; the rapid malle-poste thundering over the chaussee +at twelve miles an hour--pass the ground hourly and daily now: 'twas +lonely and unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century with +which our story commences. + +Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such their +outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together. The one, seemingly +the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather in his barret-cap, +and managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curveted +gayly. A surcoat of peach-colored samite and a purfled doublet of vair +bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant eye, his exquisitely chiselled +nose, and his curling chestnut ringlets. + +Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring-violets; +and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek--roses, alas! that bloom and die +with life's spring! Now bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking off +with his riding rod a floweret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot rode +by his darker companion. + +His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed, +that had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine. Thence +through Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a city +and commune, holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor +of Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain l'Auxerrois, the warrior and his +charger reached the lonely spot where now we find them. + +The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the +steed which bore him. Both were caparisoned in the fullest trappings +of feudal war. The arblast, the mangonel, the demiculverin, and the +cuissart of the period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the +war-steed; while the rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and +arriere-ban, morion and tumbrel, battle-axe and rifflard, and the +other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode stately on his steel-clad +charger, himself a tower of steel. This mighty horseman was carried by +his steed as lightly as the young springald by his Andalusian hackney. + +"'Twas well done of thee, Philibert," said he of the proof-armor, "to +ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms." + +"Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!" +replied the younger Cavalier. "When I was yet a page, thou wert a belted +knight; and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard grew." + +"I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew the +spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta," the individual +addressed as Romane replied. "Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy, +(and marry 'tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a lance with Solyman at +Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre. But enough of this. +Tell me of home--of our native valley--of my hearth, and my lady-mother, +and my good chaplain--tell me of HER, Philibert," said the knight, +executing a demivolt, in order to hide his emotion. + +Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the +question. "The castle stands on the rock," he said, "and the swallows +still build in the battlements. The good chaplain still chants his +vespers at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother +still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey. The +tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely, kinsman mine," he +added with an arch look. + +"But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?" Romane continued. "Since Lammas +was a twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are unanswered. +The postman hath traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a +billet. How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?" + +"She is--well," Philibert replied; "her sister Anne is the fairest of +the twain, though." + +"Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. A plague on +sister Anne! Speak of Fatima, Philibert--my blue-eyed Fatima!" + +"I say she is--well," answered his comrade gloomily. + +"Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? Nay, hath she had the +small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak; speak, boy!" cried the knight, +wrought to agony. + +"Her cheek is as red as her mother's, though the old Countess paints +hers every day. Her foot is as light as a sparrow's, and her voice as +sweet as a minstrel's dulcimer; but give me nathless the Lady Anne," +cried Philibert; "give me the peerless Lady Anne! As soon as ever I have +won spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and proclaim her the +Queen of Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady Anne!" and so saying--but evidently +wishing to disguise some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could +ill brook to hear--the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward. + +But swift as was his courser's pace, that of his companion's enormous +charger was swifter. "Boy," said the elder, "thou hast ill tidings. I +know it by thy glance. Speak: shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a +thousand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in the name +of heaven and good Saint Botibol. Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your +tidings like a man!" + +"Fatima is well," answered Philibert once again; "she hath had no +measles: she lives and is still fair." + +"Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? Not false? By Saint +Botibol, say not false," groaned the elder warrior. + +"A month syne," Philibert replied, "she married the Baron de Barbazure." + +With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the +brave knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and fell +from his charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel. + + +II. + + +Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast and +magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin. The traveller +of the present day, who wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and +climbs the steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely +trace, among the shattered masses of ivy-covered masonry which lie among +the lonely crags, even the skeleton of the proud and majestic palace +stronghold of the Barons of Barbazure. + +In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately, and +seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal rocks on +which they stood. The three mullets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted +by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known cognizance of the house, +blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, surmounting as many +towers. The long lines of battlemented walls spread down the mountain +to the Loire, and were defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men. +Four hundred knights and six times as many archers fought round the +banner of Barbazure at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour. For his +services at Fontenoy against the English, the heroic Charles Martel +appointed the fourteenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom +of France; and for wealth, and for splendor, and for skill and fame +in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no-wise inferior to his +noble ancestors. + +That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the shore; +that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a neighbor, or drew +the fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy's castle with the wife +and children within;--these were points for which the country knew and +respected the stout Baron. When he returned from victory, he was sure to +endow the Church with a part of his spoil, so that when he went forth to +battle he was always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron +Raoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the +Court, the Church, and his neighbors. + +But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic +grief which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure. His lovely ladies +died one after the other. No sooner was he married than he was a +widower; in the course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements +had befallen the chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is a +parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall of the great and +wealthy as it does the humbler tenements of the poor. + +***** + +"Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover," said the Lady of +Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, "and think how the noble +Barbazure loves thee! Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had +eyes for thee and thy cousin only." + +"I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!" the admirable +Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. "Not that I care for my Lord of +Barbazure's looks. MY heart, dearest mother, is with him who is far +away!" + +"He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty-three +corantoes, I think, child," the mother said, eluding her daughter's +remark. + +"Twenty-five," said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to the +ground. "Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!" + +"He had not the court air," the mother suggested. + +"I don't wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure's dancing, +mamma," Fatima replied. "For a short, lusty man, 'tis wondrous how +active he is; and in dignity the King's Grace himself could not surpass +him." + +"You were the noblest couple in the room, love," the lady cried. + +"That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich +plumes, blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink shoon, +became the noble baron wondrous well," Fatima acknowledged. "It must be +confessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of youth. +But alas, madam! The noble baron hath had nine wives already." + +"And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth," the mother +replied. + +"My cousin give her eyes!" Fatima exclaimed. "It's not much, I'm sure, +for she squints abominably." And thus the ladies prattled, as they +rode home at night after the great ball at the house of the Baron of +Barbazure. + +The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand +the doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the +well-nurtured English maiden will participate in the divided feelings +which rent her bosom. 'Tis true, that on his departure for the holy +wars, Romane and Fatima were plighted to each other; but the folly of +long engagements is proverbial; and though for many months the faithful +and affectionate girl had looked in vain for news from him, her +admirable parents had long spoken with repugnance of a match which must +bring inevitable poverty to both parties. They had suffered, 'tis true, +the engagement to subside, hostile as they ever were to it; but when +on the death of the ninth lady of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked +Fatima at the funeral, and rode home with her after the ceremony, her +prudent parents saw how much wiser, better, happier for their child it +would be to have for life a partner like the baron, than to wait the +doubtful return of the penniless wanderer to whom she was plighted. + +Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how true +to duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly angel, a +well-bred woman of genteel family! Instead of indulging in splenetic +refusals or vain regrets for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima at +once signified to her excellent parents her willingness to obey their +orders; though she had sorrows (and she declared them to be tremendous), +the admirable being disguised them so well, that none knew they +oppressed her. She said she would try to forget former ties, and (so +strong in her mind was DUTY above every other feeling!--so strong may +it be in every British maiden!) the lovely girl kept her promise. "My +former engagements," she said, packing up Romane's letters and presents, +(which, as the good knight was mortal poor, were in sooth of no great +price)--"my former engagements I look upon as childish follies;--my +affections are fixed where my dear parents graft them--on the noble, the +princely, the polite Barbazure. 'Tis true he is not comely in feature, +but the chaste and well-bred female knows how to despise the fleeting +charms of form. 'Tis true he is old; but can woman be better employed +than in tending her aged and sickly companion? That he has been married +is likewise certain--but ah, my mother! who knows not that he must be a +good and tender husband, who, nine times wedded, owns that, he cannot be +happy without another partner?" + +It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed +obedience to her parents' will, and consented to receive the magnificent +marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant bridegroom. + + +III. + + +The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts to see +her hapless daughter. Ever, when she came, the porters grinned at her +savagely through the grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled +gate of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. "The Lady +of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and keeps her chamber," was +the invariable reply of the dogged functionaries to the entreaties of +the agonized mother. And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual +calls at his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced +to be at the postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the +crupper of the lady's palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and +in terror. "I will aim at the rider next time!" howled the ferocious +baron, "and not at the horse!" And those who knew his savage nature and +his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would neither break his +knightly promise nor miss his aim. + +Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous +passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were present at +the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure's heart was changed +towards his gentle and virtuous lady. + +For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted Baron +of Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who entered. +His lance bore everything down before it. The most famous champions of +Europe, assembled at these joustings, had dropped, one by one, before +this tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined to be +his, and he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave, as his lady was +the fairest of the fair. + +On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the Vosges, +and the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the warrior had +obtained such triumphs;--after having overcome two hundred and thirteen +knights of different nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid +Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted Dugueselin, as the +conqueror sat still erect on his charger, and the multitudes doubted +whether ever another champion could be found to face him, three blasts +of a trumpet were heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing +more clearly, until a knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his +visor down, and riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the +admiration of all present. + +The heralds asked him his name and quality. + +"Call me," said he, in a hollow voice, "the Jilted Knight." What was it +made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents. + +The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the companion +who rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de Coquelicot, who +was known and respected universally through the neighborhood, gave a +warranty for the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight--and Raoul +de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two-hundred-and-fourteenth lance, +shook the huge weapon in the air as though it were a reed, and prepared +to encounter the intruder. + +According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the spear +from harm, the top of the unknown knight's lance was shielded with +a bung, which the warrior removed; and galloping up to Barbazure's +pavilion, over which his shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with +the sharpened steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assembly at +this daring challenge to a combat a l'outrance. "Hast thou confessed, +Sir Knight?" roared the Barbazure; "take thy ground, and look to +thyself; for by heaven thy last hour is come!" "Poor youth, poor youth!" +sighed the spectators; "he has called down his own fate." The next +minute the signal was given, and as the simoom across the desert, the +cataract down the rock, the shell from the howitzer, each warrior rushed +from his goal. + +***** + +"Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?" said the Grand Duke, as at +the end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over +his prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at length +unhorsed, and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity +on his conqueror. + +"Take thy life," said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight; "thou +hast taken all that was dear to me." And the sun setting, and no other +warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the +conqueror, and rode up to the duchess's balcony to receive the gold +chain which was the reward of the victor. He raised his visor as the +smiling princess guerdoned him--raised it, and gave ONE sad look towards +the Lady Fatima at her side! + +"Romane de Clos-Vougeot!" shrieked she, and fainted. The Baron of +Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his wound, and +by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore +revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a queen, +returned to her castle as a prisoner. + +(As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel, let it +suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which +the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of the baroness, +kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and the general tone of +morality, are all excellently worked out, the Baron de Barbazure +resolves upon putting his wife to death by the hands of the public +executioner.) + +***** + +Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on +the platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony of +mid-day. + +The block was laid forth--the hideous minister of vengeance, masked +and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready. The baron +tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the dreadful +swordsman if his hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood. +The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank from him. There +was not one there but loved and pitied the gentle lady. + +Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. To all her +lord's savage interrogatories, her reply had been, "I am innocent." To +his threats of death, her answer was, "You are my lord; my life is in +your hands, to take or to give." How few are the wives, in our day, who +show such angelic meekness! It touched all hearts around her, save that +of the implacable Barbazure! Even the Lady Blanche, (Fatima's cousin), +whom he had promised to marry upon his faithless wife's demise, besought +for her kinswoman's life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her +death. + +"Is there no pity, sir?" asked the chaplain who had attended her. + +"No pity?" echoed the weeping serving-maid. + +"Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?" said the gentle lady, and +placed herself at the block. + +Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven hair. +"Now!" shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his foot--"Now +strike!" + +The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself to +deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air, with +one irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head of the +furious, the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure! + +Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the Lady +Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his mask, +knelt gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well-known +features of Romane de Clos-Vougeot. + + + + +LORDS AND LIVERIES. + +BY THE AUTHORESS OF "DUKES AND DEJEUNERS," "HEARTS AND DIAMONDS," +"MARCHIONESSES AND MILLINERS," ETC. ETC. + + +I. + + +"CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box +to-night," said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning over +the velvet-cushioned balconies of the "Coventry Club," smoking their +full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson's) after the opera. + +Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips +of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire anything +except a coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a supreme de +cochon en torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion, the chef of +the "Traveller's," only knows how to dress; or the bouquet of a flask of +Medoc, of Carbonell's best quality; or a goutte of Marasquin, from the +cellars of Briggs and Hobson. + +Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon of +Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like too +many of our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in his +twenty-fourth year. Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent +principles (who had imbued his young mind with that Morality which is so +superior to all the vain pomps of the world!) it had not been always the +young earl's lot to wear the coronet for which he now in sooth cared so +little. His father, a captain of Britain's navy, struck down by the +side of the gallant Collingwood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his +sword and spotless name to his young, lovely, and inconsolable widow, +who passed the first years of her mourning in educating her child in an +elegant though small cottage in one of the romantic marine villages of +beautiful Devonshire. Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the +widow's heart as she pressed him to it! How faithfully did she instil +into his young bosom those principles which had been the pole-star of +the existence of his gallant father! + +In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found the +widow and her boy. The seventeenth Earl--gallant and ardent, and in +the prime of youth--went forth one day from the Eternal City to a +steeple-chase in the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to +his hotel in the Piazza di Spagna. Death, alas! is no respecter of the +Nobility. That shattered form was all that remained of the fiery, the +haughty, the wild, but the generous Altamont de Pentonville! Such, such +is fate! + +The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother's +solicitude at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly descended +on her boy. She engaged an excellent clergyman of the Church of England +to superintend his studies; to accompany him on foreign travel when the +proper season arrived; to ward from him those dangers which dissipation +always throws in the way of the noble, the idle, and the wealthy. But +the Reverend Cyril Delaval died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth +the young Earl of Bagnigge was without a guardian. + +What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty, he was a cynic and +an epicure. He had drained the cup of pleasure till it had palled in his +unnerved hand. He had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps +without reverence. He was unmoved by the sandy solitudes of the Desert +as by the placid depths of Mediterranean's sea of blue. Bitter, bitter +tears did Emily de Pentonville weep, when, on Alured's return from the +Continent, she beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in +her beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy! + +"Corpo di Bacco," he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the red +nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore's coachman--who, having deposited +her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the carriage to +the stables, before commencing his evening at the "Fortune of War" +public-house--"what a lovely creature that was! What eyes! what hair! +Who knows her? Do you, mon cher prince?" + +"E bellissima, certamente," said the Duca de Montepulciano, and stroked +down his jetty moustache. + +"Ein gar schones Madchen," said the Hereditary Grand Duke of +Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one. + +"Elle n'est pas mal, ma foi!" said the Prince de Borodino, with a scowl +on his darkling brows. "Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont mauvais!" he +added as he too cast away his Cuba. + +"Try one of my Pickwicks," said Franklin Fox, with a sneer, offering +his gold etui to the young Frenchman; "they are some of Pontet's best, +Prince. What, do you bear malice? Come, let us be friends," said the gay +and careless young patrician; but a scowl on the part of the Frenchman +was the only reply. + +"Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge," the wag +went on. + +Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized. The +Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom Protocol +of the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh, Poldoody, and the +rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any one present. + +"No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don't you see he has gone off +in a fury!" Franklin Fox continued. "He has his reasons, ce cher prince: +he will tell you nothing; but I will. You know that I am au mieux with +the dear old duchess." + +"They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke's death," cried +Poldoody. + +"I always thought Fwank was the duke's illicit gweatgwandson," drawled +out De Boots. + +"I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs from +Paris," cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are known in every +diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo. + +"Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!" said Bagnigge. "Tell me about this +girl, Franklin Fox." + +"In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring +fence in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa at +Richmond, a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand a year +in the three-per-cents." + +"Apres?" said Bagnigge, still yawning. + +"Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour. They are cousins, her mother was +an Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father, married +another sister. I believe he was footman in the family, before Napoleon +princified him." + +"No, no, he was second coachman," Tom Protocol good-naturedly +interposed--"a cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man." + +"'Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one's, I mean) when +he found me in the duchess's room this evening, tete-a-tete with the +heiress, who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand." + +"It cost me three guineas," poor Frank said, with a shrug and a sigh, +"and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she took the +flowers;--eh, Bagnigge?" + +"And flung them to Alboni," the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer. And +poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had. + +The maitre d'hotel here announced that supper was served. It was +remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on +Bagnigge that night. + + +II. + + +The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the court +of the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was such as has +seldom been created by the appearance of any other beauty. The men were +raving with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her beauty, her +wit, her grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy. + +Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace's +daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the heiress's +regal beauty quite flung her cousins' simple charms into the shade, +and blazed with a splendor which caused all "minor lights" to twinkle +faintly. Before a day the beau-monde, before a week even the vulgarians +of the rest of the town, rang with the fame of her charms; and while the +dandies and the beauties were raving about her, or tearing her to pieces +in May Fair, even Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the "Hoperer" +in a green turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great +HAIRESS to her D. in Bloomsbury Square. + +Crowds went to Squab and Lynch's, in Long Acre, to examine the carriages +building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so odiously +unostentatious and provokingly simple! Besides the ancestral services of +argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six +plate-chests at Messrs. Childs', Rumble and Briggs prepared a gold +service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket, a service of the Benvenuto +Cellini pattern, which were the admiration of all London. Before a month +it is a fact that the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the +blue stocks, called "Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:" +long before that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline's, or sent +couriers to Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of +her dresses; but, as the Mantuan bard observes, "Non cuivis +contigit,"--every foot cannot accommodate itself to the chaussure of +Cinderella. + +With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these cheers +following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst happy? Ah, no! +It is not under the necklace the most brilliant that Briggs and Rumble +can supply, it is not in Lynch's best cushioned chariot that the heart +is most at ease. "Que je me ruinerai," says Fronsac in a letter to +Bossuet, "si je savais ou acheter le bonheur!" + +With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was +wretched--wretched, because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart +had nothing to cling to. Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male +person even entered it, except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing,) +and the duchess's family, her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his friend +old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the odious, odious Borodino. + +The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to +him. Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such an +opportunity to refaire sa fortune. He gave out that he would kill any +man who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his +word. Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen by his hand at +Ostend. The O'Toole, who had met her on the Rhine, had received a ball +in his shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care to resume so dangerous a +courtship. Borodino could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards. +He could beat Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the small-sword: +he was the dragon that watched this pomme d'or, and very few persons +were now inclined to face a champion si redoutable. + +Over a salmi d'escargot at the "Coventry," the dandies whom we +introduced in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the +heiress; and her story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who, +for a wonder, was interested in the tale. Borodino's pretensions +were discussed, and the way in which the fair Amethyst was confined. +Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave Square, is--as everybody knows--the +next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst. A communication was made +between the two houses. She never went out except accompanied by the +duchess's guard, which it was impossible to overcome. + +"Impossible! Nothing's impossible," said Lord Bagnigge. + +"I bet you what you like you don't get in," said the young Marquis of +Martingale. + +"I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress's house before +the season's over," Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and the bet was +registered with shouts of applause. + +But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge, for +the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him; he +was carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a dislocated +shoulder; and the doctor's bulletins pronounced him to be in the most +dangerous state. + + +Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding +by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight after the above events, his +lordship was prancing by her Grace's great family coach, and chattering +with Lady Gwinever about the strange wager. + +"Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?" he asked. Her ladyship said +yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican; and stared when +Lord Martingale announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies, +worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now kept at Coutts's. +Then he explained the circumstances of the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament +was to adjourn in ten days; the season would be over! Bagnigge was lying +ill chez lui; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his. +And he vowed he would buy Lord Binnacle's yacht--crew, captain, guns and +all. + +On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore's, Martingale found +among the many billets upon the gold plateau in his antichambre, the +following brief one, which made him start-- + + +"DEAR MARTINGALE.--Don't be too sure of Binnacle's yacht. There are +still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie at +Coutts's for some time to come. + +"Yours, + +"BAGNIGGE. + +"P. S.--I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered up +from that confounded fall." + + +III. + + +The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John, +cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did not +take powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under-butler, +who reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned his name with +praise to the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well-spoken a +young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper's room deigned to notice +him more than once; nor was his popularity diminished on account of a +quarrel in which he engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon +chasseur, who was one day found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited +on Amethyst's own maid. The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames +entering the Servants' Hall, where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in +"aggravating" her, Miss Flouncy screamed: at the next moment the Belgian +giant lay sprawling upon the carpet; and Jeames, standing over him, +assumed so terrible a look, that the chasseur declined any further +combat. The victory was made known to the house-steward himself, who, +being a little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames on +his valor, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own room. + +Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people. He +had lived, he said, in that family two years. "But where there was +no ladies," he said, "a gentleman's hand was spiled for service;" and +Jeames's was a very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy admired it very much, +and of course he did not defile it by menial service: he had in a young +man who called him sir, and did all the coarse work; and Jeames read the +morning paper to the ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many +gentlemen do, but easily and elegantly, speaking off the longest words +without a moment's difficulty. He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy +found, who was studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de +confiance; for when she said to him, "Polly voo Fransy, Munseer Jeames?" +he replied readily, "We, Mademaselle, j'ay passay boco de tong a Parry. +Commong voo potty voo?" How Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before +her, the day after he had saved Miss Amethyst when the horses had run +away with her in the Park! + +Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a week in Amethyst's +service, and already the gentle heart of the washing-girl was +irrecoverably gone! Poor Flouncy! Poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee. + +It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her cousin +the prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into the Park +simply with her companion, who had charge of her little Fido, the +dearest little spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind +the carriage with their long sticks and neat dark liveries; the +horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the coachman a late +lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole ring could not boast a more +elegant turn-out. + +The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine. It +may have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish ambassador +which frightened the prince's grays, or Mrs. Champignon's new yellow +liveries, which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon's +preternatural ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at the time, +or the prince's own want of skill, finally; but certain it is that the +horses took fright, dashed wildly along the mile, scattered equipages, +pietons, dandies' cabs, and snobs' pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming; +and the prince, deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind, as the +curricle came rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst's carriage stood. + +"I'm blest," Frederick exclaimed to his companion, "if it ain't the +prince a-drivin our missis! They'll be in the Serpingtine, or dashed to +pieces, if they don't mind." And the runaway steeds at this instant came +upon them as a whirlwind. + +But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter. To jump +from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle, to jump into +it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole, +and to seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino, who +shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet leapt on his toes and into his +seat, was the work of an instant. In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush +of the horses was reduced to a swift but steady gallop; presently into a +canter, then a trot; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling, +but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst's carriage, which came up at a +rapid pace. + +"Give me the reins, malappris! tu m'ecrases le corps, manant!" yelled +the frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid charioteer. + +"Tant pis pour toi, nigaud," was the reply. The lovely Amethyst of +course had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her carriage, +and rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile. + +The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the +latter--a liveried menial--stoop gracefully forward and kiss Amethyst's +hand, may be imagined rather than described. But Jeames heeded not his +curses. Having placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly +resumed his station behind. Passion or danger seemed to have no +impression upon that pale marble face. + +Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on coming +to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the Frangipane best +style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses, +the clumsy attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille +cisele, with its scalding contents, over the prince's chin, his Mechlin +jabot, and the grand cordon of the Legion of honor which he wore. + +"Infame," howled Borodino, "tu l'as fait expres!" + +"Oui, je l'ai fait expres," said the man, with the most perfect Parisian +accent. It was Jeames. + +Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after the +morning's service, and he was chassed on the spot. He had been but a +week in the house. + +The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may possibly +elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:-- + +"Singular Wager.--One night, at the end of last season, the young and +eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand pounds +with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of M-rt-ng-le, +that he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely +young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B-lgr-ve Squ-re. The +bet having been made, the earl pretended an illness, and having taken +lessons from one of his lordship's own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose +name he also borrowed) in 'the MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,' actually +succeeded in making an entry into Miss P-ml-co's mansion, where he +stopped one week exactly; having time to win his bet, and to save the +life of the lady, whom we hear he is about to lead to the altar. He +disarmed the Prince of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands--and, +it is said, appeared at the C---- club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a +cloak, and displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager." + +Such, indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple have not more +than nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully, and manage +to do good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law and +her little grandchildren, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un +homme range. + + + + +CRINOLINE. + +BY JE-MES PL-SH, ESQ. + + +I. + + +I'm not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the +igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd paytrons +of letarature and true connyshures of merrit--the great Brittish +public--But I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of rewmantic +love, absobbing pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is, in the main +fax, TREW. The suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the rain of our presnt +Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince Halbert. + +Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18-- (mor I dar not rewheel) there +arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and Dover +Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate +Munseer Jools De Chacabac. + +Having read through "The Vicker of Wackfield" in the same oridganal +English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and +halways been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for his +aytred and orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by +the prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris, the very +man to come to this country, igsamin its manners and customs, cast an i +upon the politticle and finalshle stat of the Hempire, and igspose +the mackynations of the infyamous Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir +Pill--both enemies of France; as is every other Britten of that great, +gloarus, libberal, and peasable country. In one word, Jools de Chacabac +was a penny-a-liner. + +"I will go see with my own I's," he said, "that infimus hiland of which +the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and treason. +I will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the +Chynese, the villians who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany, the +artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with their cotton, and can't +sleep or rest heasy for henvy and hatred of the great inwinsable French +nation. I will igsammin, face to face, these hotty insularies; I will +pennytrate into the secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard +Palmerston in his denn." When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having +been tremenguously sick in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, "Enfin je te +tiens, Ile maudite! je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre! Je te +foule a mes pieds an nom du monde outrage," and so proseaded to inwade +the metropulus. + +As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the best of +infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went and lodgd in +Lester Square--Lester Squarr, as he calls it--which, as he was infommed +in the printed suckular presented to him by a very greasy but polite +comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the town, +contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple theayters, the parx, +St. Jams Pallice, and the Corts of Lor. "I can surwhey them all at one +cut of the eye," Jools thought; "the Sovring, the infamus Ministers +plotting the destruction of my immortial country; the business and +pleasure of these pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and +see all." So he took a three-pair back in a French hotel, the "Hotel +de l'Ail," kep by Monsieur Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr, +London. + +In this otell there's a billiard-room on the first floor, and a +tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o'clock; and the landlord, who +kem into Jools's room smoaking a segar, told the young gent that the +house was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who reglar took +their dinners there. "They can't ebide their own quiseen," he said. +"You'll see what a dinner we'll serve you to-day." Jools wrote off to +his paper-- + +"The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like all +the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the indulgence +of their luxuries. The nobles of England, quitting their homes, their +wives, miladies and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally +at the tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel and +Palmerston. I fremis to think that I may meet them at the board to-day." + +Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn't dine at the "Hotel de l'Ail" +on that evening. "It's quite igstronnary they don't come," said Munseer +de l'Ail. + +"Peraps they're ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de cock," +Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was very likely. + +Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of +every nation under the sun. Most of the noblemen were great hamatures of +hale and porter. The tablecloth was marked over with brown suckles, made +by the pewter-pots on that and the previous days. + +"It is the usage here," wrote Jools to his newspaper, "among the Anglais +of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and porter during +their meals. These stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors +are served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafanaf (so a +certain sort of beer is called) was placed by the side of most of the +convives. I was disappointed of seeing Sir Peel: he was engaged to a +combat of cocks which occurs at Windsor." + +Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when the +gentlemen said "Garsong de l'afanaf," but Jool was very much pleased to +meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their opinion about the +reel state of thinx. Was it likely that the bishops were to be turned +out of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true that Lor Palmerston +had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the House of Lords, until they were +sepparayted by the Lor Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn't he Premier +Minister? and wasn't the Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker? He got +answers to these questions from the various gents round about during +the dinner--which, he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only +dirtier. And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his newspaper. + +"The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre. His Grace has his +dwelling in the City. The Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker, +as some people stated. Quakers may not marry, nor sit in the Chamber of +Peers. The minor bishops have seats in the House of Commons, where they +are attacked by the bitter pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is +in the house; he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who +conferred upon him the seat," &c. &c. + +His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two Poles, +a Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen. This being done amidst more +hafanaf, without which nothink is done in England, and as there was no +French play that night, he & the two French gents walked round and round +Lester Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of other French gents who +were smoaking 2. And they talked about the granjer of France and the +perfidgusness of England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Madame +Wharton as Haryadney till bedtime. But befor he slep, he finished +his letter you may be sure, and called it his "Fust Imprestiuns of +Anglyterre." + +"Mind and wake me early," he said to Boots, the ony Brittish subject in +the "Hotel de l'Ail," and who therefore didn't understand him. "I wish +to be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE MEN SELL THEIR WIVES." And the +young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a one he'd buy. + +This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about +Hengland and the Henglish--walking round and round Lester Squarr all +day, and every day with the same company, occasionally dewussified by an +Oprer Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quadrant +admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools was not over well +funnisht with pocket-money, and so his pleasure was of the gratis sort +cheafly. + +Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the +aristoxy under the Quadrant--they were struck all of a heap by +seeing--But, stop! who WAS Jools's friend? Here you have pictures of +both--but the Istory of Jools's friend must be kep for another innings. + + +II. + + +Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools de +Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London--not fur, I say, from +Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping's Buildings, +leading to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin's Lane. You know +Pipping's Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where +Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver a-cuttin +the varous jints), and by the little fishmungur's, where you remark +the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown picklesammon, the playbills, and +the gingybear bottles in the window--above all, by the "Constantinople" +Divan, kep by the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of "a +prime sigaw and an exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d." + +The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of Lester +Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping's Buildings +without seeing a haf a duzen of 'em on the threshole of the +extablishment, giving the street an oppertunity of testing the odar +of the Misses Mordeky's prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable +inside, settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav'rit +whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly, or the flagrant +and arheumatic Qby. + +"These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of the +young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young Pier, after an arjus day at +the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the +national beveridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the +day, or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor." + +So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam; +and of this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of this +"Constantinople" Divan, he became almost as reglar a frequenter as the +plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue +coffee-cups in the winder. + +I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the Diwann, +listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland, and boastin +of their own immortial country. How they did go on about Wellintun, +and what an arty contamp they ad for him!--how they used to prove that +France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample and hadmiration of +the whole world! And though I scarcely take a French paper now-a-days +(I lived in early days as groom in a French famly three years, and +therefore knows the languidg), though, I say, you can't take up Jools's +paper, the Orriflam, without readin that a minister has committed +bribery and perjury, or that a littery man has committed perjury and +murder, or that a Duke has stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some +story equally horrible; yet for all that it's admiral to see how +the French gents will swagger--how they will be the scenters of +civilization--how they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and nothink shall +prevent 'em--knowing they will have it, I say I listen, smokin my pip in +silence. But to our tail. + +Reglar every evening there came to the "Constantanople" a young gent +etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the cleanlyness +of his appearants and linning (which was generally a pink or blew shurt, +with a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a contrast to the dinjy +and whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young mann +had none beyond a little yallow tought to his chin, which you woodn +notas, only he was always pulling at it. His statue was diminnative, +but his coschume supubb, for he had the tippiest Jane boots, the +ivoryheadest canes, the most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most +Scotch-plaidest trowseys, of any customer of that establishment. He was +univusaly called Milord. + +"Que est ce jeune seigneur? Who is this young hurl who comes knightly +to the 'Constantanople,' who is so proddigl of his gold (for indeed the +young gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to the company), and who +drinks so much gin?" asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the "Hotel +de l'Ail." + +"His name is Lord Yardham," answered that friend. "He never comes here +but at night--and why?" + +"Y?" igsclaimed Jools, istonisht. + +"Why? because he is engaygd all day--and do you know where he is engaygd +all day?" + +"Where?" asked Jools. + +"At the Foring Office--NOW do you begin to understand?"--Jools trembled. + +He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.--"Who IS the head of +that offis?--Palmerston." + +"The nephew of Palmerston!" said Jools, almost in a fit. + +"Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French," the other went on. "He +pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo. Shallow humbug!--I +have marked him during our conversations.--When we have spoken of the +glory of France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and his +perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have discussed before him, the +Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and Raggybritchovich has shown us +the next Circassian Campaign, or Sapousne has laid hare the plan of +the Calabrian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this +stranger--this Lor Yardham. He smokes, 'tis to conceal his countenance; +he drinks gin, 'tis to hide his face in the goblet. And be sure, he +carries every word of our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his +uncle." + +"I will beard him in his den," thought Jools. "I will meet him +corps-a-corps--the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his nephew, and +I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier." + +When Lor Yardham came to the "Constantanople" that night, Jools i'd +him savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the same. +It wasn't much for either to do--neyther being more than 4 foot ten +hi--Jools was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was +as brayv as a lion. + +"Ah, l'Angleterre, l'Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche," said Jools, +crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham. + +"Wee," said Lord Yardham; "wee." + +"Delenda est Carthago!" howled out Jools. + +"Oh, wee," said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas of +ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, "A voternsanty, Munseer:" +and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools. + +A light broak on Jools's mind as he igsepted the refreshmint. +"Sapoase," he said, "instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the infamous +Palmerston, I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump him--suppose +I unveil his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may hear +the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honor may glitter on my +bosom." + +So axepting Lord Yardham's cortasy, he returned it by ordering another +glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on the counter, +where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night. To everything he +said, the Earl of Yardham answered, "Wee, wee;" except at the end of the +evening, when he squeeged his & and said, "Bong swore." + +"There's nothing like goin amongst 'em to equire the reel +pronounciation," his lordship said, as he let himself into his lodgings +with his latch-key. "That was a very eloquent young gent at the +'Constantinople,' and I'll patronize him." + +"Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!" Jools remarked to himself as he went +to bed in his "Hotel de l'Ail." And they met the next night, and from +that heavning the young men were continyually together. + +Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking, +and Lord Yardham saying, "Wee, wee," they were struck all of a heap by +seeing-- + +But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the nex +number. + + +III. + +THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO. + + +The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum of +Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind would say) +never chaumed his i's within a site more lovely, or vu'd a pallis more +magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew +Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes the selvery Garonne +wines, like--like a benevvolent sarpent. In its plasid busum antient +cassles, picturask willidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple +hills, crownd with inteak ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle +greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from +which the appy and peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden +waving cornfealds, and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are +graysinn; while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the +leisure mominx on his loot--these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the +rurial felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de +Viddlers were bawn. + +Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor and +of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and +Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chamberleng of +the Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c. &c. &c.--is the +twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the Tittle; is disended +lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as antient a paddygree as +any which the Ollywell Street frends of the Member of Buckinumsheer can +supply. + +His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon, quitted +this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her lord with the +two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in whomb, after the loss +of that angle his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on +huth. In all his emusemints they ecumpanied him; their edjacation was +his sole bisniss; he atcheaved it with the assistnce of the ugliest and +most lernid masters, and the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which +money could procure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these +Budds, which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming +flagrance round his pirentle Busm! + +The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and his +lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their naybrood but was edawned by +their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern't rendered +appy. It was a pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk +were wertuous & tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled drab shoes, +and beautiful snowy air. All the old women had peaked ats, and crooked +cains, and chince gowns tucked into the pockits of their quiltid +petticoats; they sat in pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the +lads and lassis of the villidges danst under the hellums. O, tis a noble +sight to whitniss that of an appy pheasantry! Not one of those +rustic wassals of the Ouse of Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his +shirt-sheaves tied up with pink ribbing as he led to the macy dance +some appy country gal, with a black velvit boddice and a redd or yaller +petticoat, a hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her air! + +When the Marcus & ther young ladies came to the villidge it would have +done the i's of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved 'em! The +little children scattered calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired +old men with red faces and rinkles took off their brown paper ats to +slewt the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a woodn bank painted +to look like a bower of roses, and when they were sett down danst ballys +before them. O 'twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint +with fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses +with their ploomes, and trains, and little coronicks! + +They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls, and had +no end of pallises, willers, and town and country resadences; but their +fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of the Island of Fogo. + +Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt dixcribe +the gawjusness of their aboad. They add twenty-four footmen in livery, +besides a boy in codroys for the knives & shoes. They had nine meels +aday--Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young +ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry-cobblers, +lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to ring the bell and +call for what they chose. They had two new dresses every day--one to +ride out in the open carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of +the Castle of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night +like Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there ready to dance +with them, and festif suppers concludid the jawyus night. + +Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon +this happy fammaly. Etached to his Princes and abommanating the ojus +Lewyphlip, the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the helder +branch of the Borebones--and what was the consquince?--One night a fleat +presented itself round the Castle of the Island of Fogo--and skewering +only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus and the two young ladies +in disgyise, fled from that island of bliss. And whither fled they?--To +England!--England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world, where +the pore slave never setts his foot but he is free! + +Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by the +Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their page +from Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps +for the umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his equaintnce, +Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired. + +But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble +Marcus?--That is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam. + + + + +THE STARS AND STRIPES. + +THE AUTHOR OR "THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS," "PILOT," ETC + + +I. + + +The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the +fairest, not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal arm; +while the children of France were indulging in their infantile hilarity +in the alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which Niblo's +garden has been copied in our own Empire city of New York), and playing +at leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of Provence; gaudy courtiers, +emlazoned with orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous +talk in the ears of high-bred beauty. + +"Marie, my beloved," said the ruler of France, taking out his watch, +"'tis time that the Minister of America should be here." + +"Your Majesty should know the time," replied Marie Antoinette, archly, +and in an Austrian accent; "is not my Royal Louis the first watchmaker +in his empire?" + +The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with courtly +grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment. "My Lord +Bishop of Autun," said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand Perigord, who +followed the royal pair, in his quality of arch-chamberlain of the +empire, "I pray you look through the gardens, and tell his Excellency +Doctor Franklin that the King waits." The Bishop ran off, with more +than youthful agility, to seek the United States' Minister. "These +Republicans," he added, confidentially, and with something of a +supercilious look, "are but rude courtiers, methinks." + +"Nay," interposed the lovely Antoinette, "rude courtiers, Sire, they may +be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished gentlemen. I have seen +no grandee of Versailles that has the noble bearing of this American +envoy and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World, with +all the simple elegance of the New. Though they have perfect dignity of +manner, they have an engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled +by the best of the proud English nobles with whom they wage war. I +am told they speak their very language with a grace which the haughty +Islanders who oppress them never attained. They are independent, yet +never insolent; elegant, yet always respectful; and brave, but not in +the least boastful." + +"What! savages and all, Marie?" exclaimed Louis, laughing, and chucking +the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin. "But here comes Doctor +Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him." In fact, as the monarch +spoke, the Minister of the United States made his appearance, followed +by a gigantic warrior in the garb of his native woods. + +Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even then +in dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in valor, in +honesty, in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor nodded to the Queen +of France, but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and did +not cease whittling the cane he carried in his hand. + +"I was waiting for you, sir," the King said, peevishly, in spite of the +alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm. + +"The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of your +Majesty's wishes," replied Dr. Franklin. "When I was a poor printer's +boy and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben +Franklin; but all other things must yield to the service of the United +States of North America. I have done. What would you, Sire?" and the +intrepid republican eyed the monarch with a serene and easy dignity, +which made the descendant of St. Louis feel ill at ease. + +"I wished to--to say farewell to Tatua before his departure," said Louis +XVI., looking rather awkward. "Approach, Tatua." And the gigantic Indian +strode up, and stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the French +nation: again the feeble monarch quailed before the terrible simplicity +of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval forests. + +The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his +war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock's feather, which had been +given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe. +His nose, from which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe +took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of green and +orange was drawn round each eye, while serpentine stripes of black, +white, and vermilion alternately were smeared on his forehead, and +descended over his cheek-bones to his chin. His manly chest was +similarly tattooed and painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung +innumerable bracelets and necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only +from each skull) from the jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible +tomahawk at his girdle. His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped +on his arm and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with +tufts of hair--the black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet of +beauty, the red lock from the forehead of the Scottish or the Northern +soldier, the snowy tress of extreme old age, the flaxen down of +infancy--all were there, dreadful reminiscences of the chief's triumphs +in war. The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle, and faced the King. + +"And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in '57?" said Louis, +eying the warrior and his weapon. "'Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I +could mend it," he added mentally. + +"The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth," Tatua said. "Tatua +was a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm." + +"And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!" said the King. + +"The English are braves, though their faces are white," replied the +Indian. "Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other +wolves caused the foxes to go to earth." A smile played round Dr. +Franklin's lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever. + +"I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere than +at Quebec," the King said, appealing to the American Envoy: "at Bunker's +Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave +Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but that the +war will finish quickly--yes, yes, it will finish quickly. They will +teach you discipline, and the way to conquer." + +"King Louis of France," said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over +his head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, "we have learned that from +the British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I'd have your +Majesty to know that in the art of whipping the world we have no need +of any French lessons. If your reglars jine General Washington, 'tis to +larn from HIM how Britishers are licked; for I'm blest if YU know the +way yet." + +Tatua said, "Ugh," and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine, +which made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely Antoinette +flashed fire, but it played round the head of the dauntless American +Envoy harmless as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away. + +The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order +of the Bath. "Your Excellency wears no honor," the monarch said; "but +Tatua, who is not a subject, only an ally, of the United States, may. +Noble Tatua, I appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the +Bath. Wear this cross upon your breast in memory of Louis of France;" +and the King held out the decoration to the Chief. + +Up to that moment the Chief's countenance had been impassible. No +look either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim and +war-painted visage. But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua's face assumed a +glance of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble. + +"I will give it to one of my squaws," he said. "The papooses in my lodge +will play with it. Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink fire-water;" +and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony +upon the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of the walks +of the garden. Franklin found him when his own interview with the French +Chief Magistrate was over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief +was, by the crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his quiet +way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade. + +Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the "Repudiator," was +sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian might be +seen standing on the binnacle in conversation with Commodore Bowie, the +commander of the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings. + + +II. + + +Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went to the +Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French pale-faces. +Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety and the crowd of +cities; the stout mariner's home was in the puttock-shrouds of the old +"Repudiator." The stern and simple trapper loved the sound of the waters +better than the jargon of the French of the old country. "I can follow +the talk of a Pawnee," he said, "or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids +me to speak, by a Sioux's council-fire and I can patter Canadian +French with the hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or +Thichimuchimachy; but from the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour +on her head, and war-paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty +Pumpo." + +"Amen and amen!" said Tom Coxswain. "There was a woman in our +aft-scuppers when I went a-whalin in the little 'Grampus'--and Lord love +you, Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as ever dowsed +a tarpauling--there was a woman on board the 'Grampus,' who before we'd +struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, set the whole crew in +a mutiny. I mind me of her now, Natty,--her eye was sich a piercer that +you could see to steer by it in a Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out +like the 'Grampus's' jibboom, and her woice, Lord love you, her woice +sings in my ears even now:--it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the +Mate, who was hanged in Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in +Baffin's Bay;--it set me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each +other's old timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that +ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years' pay as I'd stowed away +for the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only bad +luck to me, she went and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and +I've hated women and tailors ever since!" As he spoke, the hardy tar +dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek, and once more betook +himself to splice the taffrail. + +Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle. The +gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon the +enemy's seaboard. The coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have +still many a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British +fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terrible "Repudiator." +She was the first of the mighty American war-ships that have taught the +domineering Briton to respect the valor of the Republic. + +The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the sterner +tone of the historian, when describing deeds connected with his +country's triumphs. It is well known that during the two months in which +she lay off Havre, the "Repudiator" had brought more prizes into that +port than had ever before been seen in the astonished French waters. Her +actions with the "Dettingen" and the "Elector" frigates form part of our +country's history; their defence--it may be said without prejudice to +national vanity--was worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had +to encounter; and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which +presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of +the combat might have been in favor of the British vessels. It was not +until the "Elector" blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a +lucky shot which fell into her caboose, and communicated with the +powder-magazine, that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on +board the "Dettingen," which he carried sword in hand. Even when the +American boarders had made their lodgment on the "Dettingen's" binnacle, +it is possible that the battle would still have gone against us. +The British were still seven to one; their carronades, loaded with +marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which we had possession, and +decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from the shrouds of the +"Repudiator" shot Captain Mumford under the star of the Guelphic Order +which he wore, and the Americans, with a shout, rushed up the companion +to the quarter-deck, upon the astonished foe. Pike and cutlass did the +rest of the bloody work. Rumford, the gigantic first-lieutenant of +the "Dettingen," was cut down by Commodore Bowie's own sword, as they +engaged hand to hand; and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down the British +flag, after having slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be to the +souls of the brave! The combat was honorable alike to the victor and +the vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior +depreciated a gallant foe. The bitterness of defeat was enough to the +haughty islanders who had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining +the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel must have been +the pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes rise over the old +flag of the Union, and the "Dettingen" fall down the river in tow of the +Republican frigate. + +Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring perhaps +ever imagined by seaman. It is this which has been so wrongly described +by European annalists, and of which the British until now have +maintained the most jealous secrecy. + +Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended. Our intelligence in that town and +arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of the troops, the +forts, and the ships there; and it was determined to strike a blow which +should shake the British power in its centre. + +That a frigate of the size of the "Repudiator" should enter the harbor +unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the notions of +even American temerity. But upon the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the +"Repudiator" sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover +of which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle +of Wight. To surprise the Martello Tower and take the feeble garrison +thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain and a few of his blue-jackets. +The surprised garrison laid down their arms before him. + +It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by Lieutenant +Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and in another hour +were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenges of +the "Thetis" and the "Amphion" frigates, and the "Polyanthus" brig. + +There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board the +Flag-ship lying in the harbor. A banquet had been given in honor of the +birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of the Guelphs--the +reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All +on board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The Flag-ship was +plunged in a deathlike and drunken sleep. The very officer of the watch +was intoxicated: he could not see the "Repudiator's" boats as they shot +swiftly through the waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as +they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship. + +At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the "Royal +George"--the Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet. The hatches +were down. The ship was in possession of the "Repudiator's" crew. They +were busy in her rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of +the harbor. The well-known heave of the men at the windlass woke up +Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We know, or rather do not know, the +result; for who can tell by whom the lower-deck ports of the brave ship +were opened, and how the haughty prisoners below sunk the ship and its +conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the Republic! + +Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. His tale was told +to his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its publication; +and it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it to me, his +grandson, on his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday. + + + + +A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. + +IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST BROWN TO THE EMINENT NOVELIST +SNOOKS. + + +"CAFE DES AVEUGLES. + +"MY DEAR SNOOKS,--I am on the look-out here for materials for original +comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in the +course of my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which +I think will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable +novel, 'The Mysteries of May Fair,' to an end--(by the way, the scene, +in the 200th number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit +Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)--and, of +course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and we may +expect that your pen shall not be idle. + +"The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the +French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and, indeed, +I found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French +literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the +invention. He and an advertisement agent fell out about a question of +money, the affair was brought before the courts, and the little plot so +got wind. But there is no reason why you should not take the plot and +act on it yourself. You are a known man; the public relishes your works; +anything bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses; and +though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay you handsomely, I make no +doubt you would like to be rewarded at a still higher figure. + +"Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days is +good for nothing. This one writes with a socialist purpose; that with +a conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most delicate +skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a +Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with Low Church remedies +to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down unsuspiciously, as +children do calomel in jelly. Fiction advocates all sorts of truth +and causes--doesn't the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in +everything? M. Gonzales's plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear +Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement novel. Look over The Times +or the 'Directory,' walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day--see +what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication with +their proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your studs, and the tip +on your chin, I don't know any greater swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into +the shops, I say, ask for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying, +'I am the great Snooks; I am the author of the "Mysteries of May Fair;" +my weekly sale is 281,000; I am about to produce a new work called "The +Palaces of Pimlico, or the Curse of the Court," describing and lashing +fearlessly the vices of the aristocracy; this book will have a sale +of at least 530,000; it will be on every table--in the boudoir of the +pampered duke, as in the chamber of the honest artisan. The myriads of +foreigners who are coming to London, and are anxious to know about our +national manners, will purchase my book, and carry it to their distant +homes. So, Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how much +will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel?' You may make +a noble income in this way, Snooks. + +"For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what more +delightful, than the description of upholstery? As thus:-- + +"'Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous +ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes, when +Lord Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of Tomkins's +elastic Axminster carpets. "Good heavens, my lord!" she said--and the +lovely creature fainted. The Earl rushed to the mantel-piece, where he +saw a flacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and,' &c. + +"Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as +easily, as thus:-- + +"'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately at +his wife, 'but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble wants? +The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or Gobiggin's, but we can get +our rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's for 20L.' And putting +on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her husband, the stoker's +pretty bride tripped gayly to the well-known mart, where Timmonson, +within his usual affability, was ready to receive them. + +"Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. 'Where +did you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or what you +please?' said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The +voluptuous Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So-and-So's.' The answer +is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your larder in this way. +Begad, Snooks! I lick my lips at the very idea. + +"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a +word for them! Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington with +an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple +but aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the secret. Parvy +Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent and +crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don't you see what a +stroke of business you might do in this way. + +"The shoemaker.--Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the +ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by +Chevillett of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and + +"The hairdresser.--'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said the +Earl. 'I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has not a single +gray hair.' Wiggins laughed. 'My good Lord Baldock,' said the old wag, +'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of Ducroissant's shop, and under his +valet's arm--ho! ho! ho!'--and the two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count +passed by, talking with, &c. &c. + +"The gunmaker.--'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed before +his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one of Clicker's +manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the maker and the +weapon. "One, two, THREE," cried O'Tool, and the two pistols went off at +that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Lifeguardsman,' &c.--A +sentence of this nature from your pen, my dear Snooks, would, I should +think, bring a case of pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your +lodgings; and, though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you +might sell them, you know, and we could make merry with the proceeds. + +"If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear +Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember your +friend." + + + + +THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., + +WITH HIS LETTERS. + + +A LUCKY SPECULATOR. + + +"Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower circles +in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which has befallen +James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family in Berkeley +Square. + +"One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a banker in +the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said he had saved +a little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to invest his +savings to advantage. + +"His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, the +well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, Diddler, +and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of his +savings, wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty +guineas--the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings, +and perfumery--Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by anything. + +"Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN +RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand +pounds. He had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from +a fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley +Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having instructed +the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to apply at the +area-bell. + +"Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P. +by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the +breakfast which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently invited +him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss +Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid the +lucky gentleman MARKED ATTENTION. + +"We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de la +Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which he has +started bears the ancient coat of his race. + +"He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of +thirty-three railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the next +general election on decidedly conservative principles, which have always +been the politics of his family. + +"Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy had +remarked his high demeanor. Well, 'None but the brave,' say we, 'deserve +the fair.'"--Morning Paper. + +This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been put +into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, they are +written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire borrowed the sum +on which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with sympathy +at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such artless +language? + + +If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor +callous; if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr. Plush +will do her justice. + + * The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers + were first published. + + + "JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE. + + "A HELIGY. + + + "Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate, + Come all ye ladies maids so fair-- Vile I a story + vill relate + Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square. + A tighter lad, it is confest, + Neer valked with powder in his air, + Or vore a nosegay in his breast, + Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square. + + "O Evns! it vas the best of sights, + Behind his Master's coach and pair, + To see our Jeames in red plush tights, + A driving hoff from Buckley Square. + He vel became his hagwilletts, + He cocked his at with SUCH a hair; + His calves and viskers VAS such pets, + That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square. + + "He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell, + And o! I vithered vith despair, + Missis VOULD ring the parler bell, + And call up Jeames in Buckley Square. + Both beer and sperrits he abhord, + (Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,) + You would have thought he vas a lord + Down in our All in Buckley Square. + + "Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann, + Ven I've an under'd pound to spare, + To take a public is my plan, + And leave this hojous Buckley Square.' + O how my gentle heart did bound, + To think that I his name should bear. + 'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound; + And gev them him in Buckley Square. + + "Our master vas a City gent, + His name's in railroads everywhere, + And lord, vot lots of letters vent + Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square: + My Jeames it was the letters took, + And read them all, (I think it's fair,) + And took a leaf from Master's book, + As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square. + + Encouraged with my twenty pound, + Of which poor I was unavare, + He wrote the Companies all round, + And signed hisself from Buckley Square. + And how John Porter used to grin, + As day by day, share after share, + Came railvay letters pouring in, + 'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.' + + "Our servants' All was in a rage-- + Scrip, stock, + curves, gradients, bull and bear, + Vith butler, coachman, groom and page, + Vas all the talk in Buckley Square. + But O! imagine vot I felt + Last Vensday veek as ever were; + I gits a letter, which I spelt + 'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.' + + "He sent me back my money true-- + He sent me back my lock of air, + And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew + To Mary Hann and Buckley Square. + Think not to marry, foolish Hann, + With people who your betters are; + James Plush is now a gentleman, + And you--a cook in Buckley Square. + + "'I've thirty thousand guineas won, + In six short months, by genus rare; + You little thought what Jeames was on, + Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square. + I've thirty thousand guineas net, + Powder and plush I scorn to vear; + And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget + For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'" + +***** + +The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a flood +of tears. + + + +A LETTER FROM "JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE." + + +"ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845. + +"SIR,--Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to state +that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was your abbit +to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the delligit +feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have NO IDEER of being +made the subject of newspaper criticism. + +"I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my name +in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the HINMOST +PASHSN OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the +public emusemint. + +"What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies of my +engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their rupsher? +Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN A DOGGRIL BALLIT +impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY time at least, Mary Hann +could only sign her + mark (has I've hoften witnist it for her when she +paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and +making POATRY, she was as HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself. + +"With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a footman +in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my affections +to Mary Hann--a feller not five foot six, and with no more calves to his +legs than a donkey--who was always a-ritin (having been a doctor's boy) +and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well recklex) at the +3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but of me. He has +signed Miss H's name to his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself +hopen to a haction for libel for insutting them in your paper. + +"It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I +borrowed 20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. Can hall +people say as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed? No. And I not +only paid it back, but giv her the andsomest pres'nts: WHICH I NEVER +SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO, but for this attack. Fust, a silver thimble +(which I found in Missus's work-box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems; +third, I halways brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of +which she was remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice, +(and halways a srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT +ATTENTIONS, which I sapose count for NOTHINK. + +"Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable. I +was gone into a new spear of life--mingling with my native aristoxy. +I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his a hilliterit +cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank +genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i's upon a low-born +gal, I needn say it's only a tempory distraction, pore passy le tong. So +much for HER claims upon me. Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR'S BOY he's +unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman. + +"That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow much +has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and what was +his cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated Jewdicious, +and ham what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, and praps you +haven't)--So may you be: if you choose to go in & win. + +"I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a hundred +instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of hosses +I bought (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in hany +curracle,) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my +transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my +Dublin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, and I've jest +sold him at 1/4 discount. + +"At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my +stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a +confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber--He curls my air; inspex my +accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my +TRENT VALLY, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which +injuiced me to ingage him. + +"Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge--I have two +handsom suvvices for dinner--the goold plate for Sundays, and the silver +for common use. When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to my man, 'we +will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else +the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' I bought them after realizing on +the abuf lines, and if people suppose that the companys made me a presnt +of the plate, how can I help it? + +"In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid +Hexeter!' or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!' HE knows what I +mean: it's the wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of my +connexshn with those two railroads. + +"So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand +Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened +(provisionally) Rosamell--from the French line of which I am Director; +and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, 'Doctor,' says I +to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult you because my Midlands are +out of horder; and I want you to send them up to a premium.' The Doctor +lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s. + +"But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has been +to CLEAR MY CARRATER--to show that I came by my money in a honrable way: +that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned it, and ham indeed +grateful for my good fortune. + +"To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I +don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You +are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more +than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; but the primmier +being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. Consurvative +though I be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS before the next Election, when I +intend to hoffer myself as a Candydick for Parlymint. + +"Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir, + +"Your most obeajnt Survnt, + +"FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE." + + + +THE DIARY. + + +One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office, +evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He had no +flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were certainly two days +old. He had not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his +great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of +the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation +to fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit to adorn himself. + +"How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?" said we pleasantly, greeting our esteemed +contributor. + +"Scrip be ----," replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat, and +a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and walked +about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers, and +showing other signs of agitation. At last, "MR. PUNCH," says he, after +a moment's hesitation, "I wish to speak to you on a pint of businiss. +I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper. Suckmstances is +altered with me. I--I--in a word, CAN you lend me --L. for the account?" + +He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to mention +it here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs. Pump and +Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest fellow's eyes. He +squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting to a cab, +he plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the City. + +Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open +pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we took +an inventory. It contained--three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor's ditto, +unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six +thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we take, +on an average, to be 1/4 discount; and in an old bit of paper tied with +pink ribbon a lock of chestnut hair, with the initials M. A. H. + +In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the +proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are insignificant: +as, for instance:--"3rd January--Our beer in the Suvnts' hall so +PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely MUSS give warning, +& wood, but for my dear Mary Hann. February 7--That broot Screw, the +Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary Hann boxt his hold hears, & +served him right. I DATEST Screw,"--and so forth. Then the diary relates +to Stock Exchange operations, until we come to the time when, having +achieved his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and his +livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman upon town. It +is from the latter part of his diary that we make the following + + +EXTRAX:-- + + +"Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that by +the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a summ of +20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann depreshiating +the qualaty of his own mackyrel?)--wen I enounced my abrup intention +to cut--you should have sean the sensation among hall the people! Cook +wanted to know whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or the slise of the +breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a +hinsalant hoverbaring beest,) begged me to walk into the Hupper +Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the +coachmin, eld out his and, & said, 'Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling +betwigst you & me, & I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.' + +"The sickofnts!--that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper +ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I'm +remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him for his +precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry (he never +would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs); and in +regard of Visp--why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest hoffered +to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused. Gentlemen +and ladies,' says I, as haughty as may be, 'there's nothink that I +want for that I can't go for to buy with my hown money, and take at my +lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh +myself in the KITCHING.' And so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these +minnial domestics; and ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back, +brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries +for hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames +Street, and which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks. + +"There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious to +evoid a persnal leave-taking--Mary Hann Oggins, I mean--for my art is +natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I'd given +her previous the infamation of my departure--doing the ansom thing by +her at the same time--paying her back 20 lb., which she'd lent me 6 +months before: and paying her back not only the interest, but I gave +her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by way of boanus. +'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions +in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for has for your marrying a +person in my rank, that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I wish you a +good-by, my good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer +to me.' + +"Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable kind), +but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into somethink +betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on the kitching +dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room +bell. Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & things, & my check +for 20lb. 10s., on the tabil when she went to hanser the bell. And now +I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her own room nex but one to mine, +vith the dore open, peraps expecting I should come in and say good-by. +But, as soon as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring +Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting +permission to take leaf of my lady & the famly before my departure." + +***** + +"How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what a +sweet gal she was--hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then she +hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I +don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly's his--and has for +a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a Halbino, and her face looks as if +it were dipt in a brann mash. How she squeeged my & as she went away! + +"Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and hivory, +and I's as blew as Evin. + +"I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb--been resolved to hact +the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!" + + +"25th.--I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and have +past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new soots of +close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise +me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a footman in disguise +hafter all.'" + + +"28th.--Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a wopper +at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out 'Bravo,' +some 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says I, at which +heverybody laft. + +"I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms in +goold on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold waistcoat and +dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia +Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double-barreld opera-glas, so big, +that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the other cabb. + +"What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four gals are +faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all that they +can do, and somethink they can't. There's an indiscrible grace about +her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams. + +"Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on the +fourth tear? + +"What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there! + +"P.S.--Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per cent +this very day." + + +"2nd July.--Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me, +Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion, Honorable +Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John's carridge there in +coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I'm obleged to +get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his. The gettin on +hossback agin is halways the juice & hall. Just as I was on, Desperation +begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his +anches, that I'm blest if I didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at +which Ballybunnion & the hother chaps rord with lafter. + +"As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St. Helena +direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon Junction,' from +Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup heagerly." + + +"6th July.--Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh bords +of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils through +Snowding and Plinlimming. + +"Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd in the +vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks; Welsh rabbit +after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he went strummint on +his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me. + +"It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried it, +and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue i's. Why +HAM I always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is sasiety, it's lors is +irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a serving-made. What would +Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say? + +"P.S.--I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money, +& halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,' +Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is the +best in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and seventeen pound +sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' Richmond, with the Countess +St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of French could I +speak, and in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself halmost +sick with heating hices and desert, while the hothers were chattering +and parlyvooing. + +"Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we were +more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-beer +betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with hall this +splender!"-- + + +"July 24.--My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely and +chasely furnished--the droring-room with yellow satting and silver for +the chairs and sophies--hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink velvet +& goold borders and fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, embroydered +with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c., as handsome as goold +can make them, and candle-sticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew. + +"The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round igspanding +table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any number from 8 to +24--to which it is my wish to restrict my parties. Curtings crimsing +damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men +decorats the wall--namely, the Duke of Wellington. There's four of his +Grace. For I've remarked that if you wish to pass for a man of weight +and considdration you should holways praise and quote him. I have a +valluble one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert--has a Field +Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are +daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & the +Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars +has made me Capting. + +"The Libery is not yet done. + +"But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see it! +such a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with Walanseens +Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored tapers. Goold +dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold with +curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by a goold Qpid who +seems always a smilin angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed on my +piller hall sarounded with the finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth +under him, 2 groombs, and a fimmale for the House. I've 7 osses: in cors +if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment. + +"N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.; +Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the new +lines in prospick equily incouraging. + +"People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us fashnabble +gents about townd--But I can tell 'em it's not hall goold that +glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour ours of studdy +and reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la Pluche, +Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly +stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into the +Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover the +exorcisin ground in the Park,--they little think that leader of the +tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a careworn mann! and yet so it is. + +"Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at double +quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy. + +"First,--in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman reely is, +I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go through it 4 +times mor. + +"I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and & a sure seat +across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding +Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've suffered +from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra. + +"Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have been +surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the apartmince of +Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my dancing-master. +From six to nine we have walces and polkies--at nine, 'mangtiang +& depotment,' as he calls it & the manner of hentering a room, +complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting yourself at table. At +nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to a party), I make my bow--my +master (he's a Marquis in France, and ad misfortins, being connected +with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me--I hadwance--speak abowt the +weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cussory manner. +Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann--we precede to the festive +bord--complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind, +addressing your neighbor, employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And +then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat like +a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well--soon I shall be able to +inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr. +Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of Hancient +Rum;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself. + +"The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins then, +reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts--Barnits as many as I +chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form a member. Last +Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my friends: the display was +sumptious; the company reshershy. Everything that Dellixy could suggest +was provided by Gunter. I had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess +of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be +called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H---- is the Railway +King,) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the great +Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust of +the fashn. I was in my GLOARY--the dear Countess and Lady Blanche was +dying with lauffing at my joax and fun--I was keeping the whole table in +a roar--when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly Fitzwarren, +my man, henters with an air of constanation. 'Theres somebody at the +door,' says he in a visper. + +"'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of a +husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this time +I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)--And so, +going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing Mr. & +Mrs. Blodder. + +"I turned gashly pail. The table--the guests--the Countiss--Towrouski, +and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated I's. IT WAS MY +GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common, and +he--he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart. + +"Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But the +unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, Huncle +Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm! + +"Phansy my feelinx." + + +"Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the room: +you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. Old Grann +looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental splender, +and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the company as +respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says--'Crikey, Jeames, you've +got a better birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and +powder line.' 'Try a few of them plovers hegs, sir,' I says, whishing, +I'm asheamed to say, that somethink would choke huncle B---; 'and I +hope, mam, now you've ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment +won't be out of your way.' + +"This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and because +in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady, +which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my schooling; she got +up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & many a lb; and manys +the time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea. But never +mind THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you must be tired hafter your walk.' + +"'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, & I came in, in THE +CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren, intarupting her. And +I will say the feller showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt +momink; for he'd halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full +of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies. + +"'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that sly +wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle hold Lady, +pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take +a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to +horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit +rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the elth of the +company, giving a smack with her lipps after she'd emtied the glas, +which very nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me, +she didn't igspose herself much farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing +her to take another glas, I cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old +Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!' +and got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another +word. The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy. + +"The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at +the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, got up +to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to +conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it +stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the footmin in +peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred apiece;--and there +stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, +Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint +should come out. + +"Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, +the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid as +a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they witnessed the +sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going +away with the Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to me and +said, 'Mr. De la Pluche, you are a much better man than I took you to +be. Though her Ladyship IS horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take +gin for breakfast, don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for +honoring their father & mother.' + +"And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all the +good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a trump +for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills said she +should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. But +it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff. + +"There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I muss +say, I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those fine ladies +in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one of em can hold a +candle to Mary Hann.'" + + +"Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they har +at my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow me out of +the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I'm worth half a +millium. The number of lines they're putting me upon is inkumseavable. +I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire, +looks splendid in a perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two +thowsnd. + +"How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into Lady +Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and cries +out, 'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she complyments me on +my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit, and +always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff +as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as poor as Joab--even he condysends +to be sivvle to the great De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, +lately, in his sollom, pompus way, 'to faver him with five minutes' +conversation.' I knew what was coming--application for shares--put him +down on my private list. Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing +through Bareacres--hoped I'd come down and shoot there. + +"I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There, old +Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a footman. +There, old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing +and begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a VERY public place, I take +my change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs, or slap his padded old +shoulders. I call him, 'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince. It +does my art good. + +"I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. Lady +Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her right, of +course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in +my fassanating way--full of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy +plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked me to drink +shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw Charles Wackles (with +womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers' house) grinning over his +shoulder at the butler. + +"The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the hall, he +came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish visper. 'Just +come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for you, my old boy.' So +I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I was +going to give him a sovaring. + +"'I think you said "Jeames," Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at +dinner?' + +"'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.' + +"'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just one on +the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd been shot. +And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning +scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb." + + +"Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, Earl +Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self & that +noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of +about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the +cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a pickewlear +fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather, and other +hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting in the places where +the rox and stones don't prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable +fine, and the land is also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges--much +more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset or any of that rubbishing +sort of timber: indeed the sile is of that fine natur, that timber +refuses to grow there altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this +land (the igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares)--a very handsom price +for land which never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient +to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which +he had given them. James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust +time a landed propriator--or rayther, I should say, is about to reshume +the rank & dignity in the country which his Hancestors so long occupied. + +"I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the Squallop +Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered on the North +by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby Growler; on the +South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a young feller of great +emagination, womb we have employed to make a survey of the Great +Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton +Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is +reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and +circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with boatsful +of nobillaty and musitions floting on its placid sufface--and a curricle +is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or +perhaps Lady Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going +to form a noble kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my +family once more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some +sentries separated us. I have dreams of that sort. + +"I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL, standing +in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with a serting +butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames and +lady Hangelina de la Pluche! Ho! what will the old washywoman, my +grandmother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and shall too by my +honor as a Gent." + + +"As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to give +5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer in +vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't Squallop lie +amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End, +through which cities our line passes? I will have 400,000 lb. for that +mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little barging too +for my friend the Erl. The line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre +Park. He shall have a good compensation I promis you; and then I shall +get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a +horrid state." + + +[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no +interest to the public:--Memoranda of City dinners--meetings of +Directors--fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and +nearly always by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose +"pompossaty," as previously described, seems to have almost entirely +subsided.] + + +We then come to the following:-- + + +"With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett the +following news:-- + +"'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of Diddlesex. + +"'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'" + + +"'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry. + +"'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice Blowhard, +promoted."' + + +"And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator--a Deppaty Leftnant--a +Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my +country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and me at the head of +my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd extonish 'em! How the +gals will stare when they see me in youniform! How Mary Hann would--but +nonsince! I'm halways thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's. +She couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's +got a good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss, +or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my +granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on +Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she's sent it +back, sealed with a thimbill." + + +Tuesday.--Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B----, rellatiff to my +presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that hospicious +seramony:-- + + +"'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,--I THINK you had better be presented as a +Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know what the +uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince +of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray jackets, leathers, +red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with leopard-skin +and a white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of eighteen inches. That +dress will hardly answer at present, and must be modified, of coarse. We +were called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly +recommend the Deputy Lieutenant. + +"'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-room. +Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, who will be +presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to +make your acquaintance. + +"'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake, my +dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige + +"'Yours, very gratefully, + +"'BAREACRES.' + + +"Note.--Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M for +the cavvlery." + + +"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that +month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my gracious +Sovarink. + +"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my busm +was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them thinking +of the great ewent--or if igsosted natur DID clothes my highlids--the +eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls, +presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my dreembs +unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never surely igseeded +that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I actially dremt that Her +R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit +Counsel to detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on me or the Prins +of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or Germing zion of +nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious ideer. + +"I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented +to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The +Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like +the--the--livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear before +entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of wearing one. My +detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry Cavilry Hoffiser, in +the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas. + +"Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself quite +hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as shuited the +presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig-tales was out of the +question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. My legg is praps the finist +pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle. + +"I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have seen +Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go +there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have +myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables. + +"Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold tassels as +bigg as belpulls. + +"Jackit--French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according to the +old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & settin hoff the +cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY. + +"A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus +steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered pocket +ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, without vannaty, was, I +flatter myself, UNEAK. + +"But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. The +huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet & +Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery Brittn; +an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins; an At +which VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane etempted to run down. I +chose the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of +loilty, intending to SURPRISE him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex +Yomingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a +shaving-brush. + +"You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect to +practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say. + +"This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made +Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord +in Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair +to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my secknd man, +standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort. +Hall the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la Pluche, presented by Herl +Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins +to the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty +towards the British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus +Simiter WOULD git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery +disagreeble)--rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but +respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated backards +out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym +the night before my presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with +the sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night. By abowt six o'clock in the +morning I was drest in my full uniform; and I didnt know how to pass the +interveaning hours. + +"'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will rejoice +that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in life. Has I +ave read in the novle of "Kennleworth," that the Herl goes down in Cort +dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down in all my splender and +astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.' To make this detummination; +to horder my Broom; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to +bring it; was with me the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a +cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing. + +"I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with the +cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed through +the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy +ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the +apartmint. + +"There was a smell of tea there--there's always a smell of tea +there--the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her; but +ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann! + +"I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to me +subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did when you +arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were +diwine!' + +"R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions in +the groce carriketure he's made of me."* + + * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. + +***** + +"Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my hentrance to +St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish Hambasdor himself was +not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out. + +"As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved +to come to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as a +charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which +I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it,) and +2 fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up St. +Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hadycongs--the people huzzaying--the gals +waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins--hall the winders +crowdid to see me pass. + +"The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came, for +the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with presented +harms. + +"What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from Desperation. +I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I +past into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs. + +"You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the +suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one +who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our reckonized +instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying round +my Thrown. + +"Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,--when I sor on +the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to admire +womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased with an +imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe--my trembling knees halmost +rifused their hoffis--I reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting +in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd to be +standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him, +igspecially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall +say nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT +HE ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I introjuiced +myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps +ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy. + +"But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had the +inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, that +Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht Lady +Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey +de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in the +Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., +Lord Leftnant of the County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was +with her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never +lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty +the Lady Hangelina was the fairest Star--in that reath of Loveliness +the sweetest Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been +senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge disappeared +in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of Hangelina. + +"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow--a grand and hawfle pusnage +her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge +phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly +bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so delighted to make +your acquaintance. I have often heard of you.' + +"'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the fair +Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see I've not +studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces, +without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.) + +"'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY old +friend of yours.' + +"'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty-- + +"'Hoggins--Mary Ann Hoggins'--ansurred my lady (laffing phit to splitt +her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I'm afraid you +are a very sad, sad person.' + +"'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with that +young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for hever, +and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.' + +"'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all dying to +know." + +"'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,' says I, +looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations +of my smile. + +"'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes +standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of the Countess of +Bareacres' train?'--'Never mind Mamma's train' (said Lady Hangelina): +'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all our +fortunes--yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me present you to Captain +George Silvertop,'--The Capting bent just one jint of his back very +slitely; I retund his stare with equill hottiness. 'Go and see for Lady +Bareacres' carridge, George,' says his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a +cousin of ours--a poor relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when +he came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems +a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting." + + +"Thusday Night.--O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments +daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia +Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in +her raving Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what was my +sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with +my glas! + +"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however--would scarcely speek; +although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it +was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the box. As if he +didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) that +people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty." + + +"Friday.--I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the +folloring lines--there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that she's fond +of. I edapted them to that mellady. + +"She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the +pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick; said I +sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); and, on her +rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my pom: + + "'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS. + + "'When moonlike ore the hazure seas + In soft effulgence swells, + When silver jews and balmy breaze + Bend down the Lily's bells; + When calm and deap, the rosy sleap + Has lapt your soal in dreems, + R Hangeline! R lady mine! + Dost thou remember Jeames? + + "'I mark thee in the Marble All, + Where Englands loveliest shine-- + I say the fairest of them hall + Is Lady Hangeline. + My soul, in desolate eclipse, + With recollection teems-- + And then I hask, with weeping lips + Dost thou remember Jeames? + + "'Away! I may not tell thee hall + This soughring heart endures-- + There is a lonely sperrit-call + That Sorrow never cures; + There is a little, little Star, + That still above me beams; + It is the Star of Hope--but ar! + Dost thou remember Jeames?' + + +"When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I threw +such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at the hend, +that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium +seized her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard +her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor. + +"O Hangelina--My adord one, My Arts joy!" . . . + + +"BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet Southdown, B's +eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting (who seems to +git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have beene down into +Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there. + +"Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent +boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the +Edges with a pistle)--I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot, +and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery, +which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded in itting the +hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker's 'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns +at Mantings, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most +gawjus and ellygant sportting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold +cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered +satting, a weskit of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter +tartn, (with large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, +and sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes, +was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff +my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal +istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with +Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my +dressing-case and close. + +"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad +Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk of +the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst +'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where +I made a speech droring tears from heavery i. It was in compliment to a +layborer who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years +on the istate on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my +station. I shook hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told +him that the purshuit of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of +humannaty: I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of +my hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a +pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket, +as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brought +them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down defning chears +selewted the horator; the band struck up 'The Good Old English +Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina waived her +ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in the distans that pore Mary Hann +efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints." + + +"What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady Hangelina's +company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded gownds and retired +caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her which is puffickly +admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss, +creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . . Shor! I MUSTN'T give way +to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me +but a mear recklection--a vishn of former ears? + +"I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. I +met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a +melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was +eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient demean. + +"'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I--'A penny for your Ladyship's +thought,' says I. + +"'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice, with +a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my thoughts are, +well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us +were poo--poo--oor,' says Mary Hann, busting out in a phit of crying, a +thing I can't ebide. I took her and tried to cumft her: I pinted out +the diffrents of our sitawashns; igsplained to her that proppaty has +its jewties as well as its previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to +marry into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going +hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up--'The real Siming +Pewer,' as they say in the play. + +"There they stood together--them two young women. I don't know which is +the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt help comparing +myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found it difficklt to +make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A." + + +"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren--my oan man--a feller I've maid +a fortune for--a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!--a low bred +Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and treating +me to his imperence. + +"He's a great big athlatic feller--six foot i, with a pair of black +whiskers like air-brushes--with a look of a Colonel in the harmy--a +dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome +from shuiting this hafternoon--and passing through Lady Hangelina's +flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann +pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to her? + +"'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money. We'll +take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a purse-proud +ungrateful fellow like Jeames--who's such a snob ('such a SNOB' was his +very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him--who's the laughing stock +of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too--try a MAN,' says +he--'don't be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.' + +"Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust out a +laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and intarupt this +polite convasation. + +"I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to the +young woman--and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to remain.' + +"'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller--all the +colors of the ranebo. + +"'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I. + +"'It's not your livery,' says he. + +"'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I, +unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my jackit, +Joe,' says I to the boy,--and put myself in a hattitude about which +there was NO MISTAYK. + +***** + +"He's 2 stone heavier than me--and knows the use of his ands as well +as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb can't stand +before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, I've little doubt, +but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had more than 2 +rounds. + +"I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm writing +this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to dinner on +account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and disfiggrs me +dreadfl." + + +"On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter +with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with +the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form +an agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard +pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable; and +(has the Poick well observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the Fare') +I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory +disfiggarment. + +"It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my +phisticoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis: but +of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting +Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley. + +"Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits +during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me messidges by +her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was always +sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin +hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship would perscribe--then, +agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, +pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina +could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear +mothers! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or +to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give +a man! You'd have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), +that I couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, +and blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I +ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the +kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, and +sacrafised myself for her dear sayk. + +"I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and his +son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, and hoped +soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland. + +"'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent father. +'You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and those of my +Lady Bareacres; but I am not--not quite certain about Lady Angelina's +feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of +prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able to make Angelina +understand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate +about love and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than +theirs know how to estimate.' + +"'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out at +this outrayjus ideer. + +"'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,--your +admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father's +wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our family.' + +"'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,--'a barging's a barging--I'll +pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a STRAYNGER'--(this +I said in a sarcastickle toan)--'I wouldn't take such a LIBBATY. When +I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of your estayt. I'll make your +incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the ouse of Bareacres to +its herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting +bisniss imployed by Jeames De la Pluche, Esquire.' + +"And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest +scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my +shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral +thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize +till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to found a new family of +Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country. + +"These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. 'If +you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have married +you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a marter to +dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.' + +"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and Lady +Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow you were, +Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I liked), 'in +your fight with Fitzwarren--to engage a man of twice your strength +and science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this is an etroashous +folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 minnits), 'for the sake of +poor Mary Hann! That's a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to +eminence like you, having his heart in the right place. When is to be +the marriage, my boy?' + +"'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a +precious sight more than you;'--and I gev him to understand I didn't +want him to put in HIS ore--I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, I prommis +you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as brayv as Bonypert, +Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well as any Evy +drigoon of 'em all. + +"Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la +Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that you +will be happy with a person like me?' + +"'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any such +thing.' + +"'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep your +eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you +begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you don't marry +her, and perhaps some one else's--but you don't mind THAT.' + +"'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for Mary +Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy. Once for +all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a pang to part +with her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), 'but part from her +I must.' + +"It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina, that +melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml--yet +she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all. + +"'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up Josephine. +What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!' + +"'It does,' says I--'Hagnies!' (Another laff.) + +"'And if--if I don't accept you--you will invade the States of the +Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion of +peace between you!' + +"'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors your +Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers morgidged; that +if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old pawper; that he +owes me a lot of money; and that I'm the man that can sell him up hoss +& foot; or set him up agen--THAT'S what I know, Lady Hangelina,' says +I, with a hair as much as to say, 'Put THAT in your ladyship's pipe and +smoke it.' + +"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced-- + +"'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--We hear that a matrimonial union is on the +tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the Railway +World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated +in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.'" + + +"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the fealinx +of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by the hideer of +my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the +fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to give me hup, for we +Gents are creechers of vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit +secks; and betwigst you and me there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht +that I'd been borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have +permitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd +to be appy with ony one. + +"Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my defianced +bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery the great +Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a gent of my +qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning Erald--no, no, I'm +not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit infamation) an account of my +famly, my harms and pedigry. + +"I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my arms +and my adord wife's was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks of me and +her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to be the +gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man of fashn +wasn't compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis +I presented to Hangelina. It's not considered flattring--and though SHE +parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young +lady (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her +hi. + +"Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about +a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by Maryhann, +though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it & pressing it to +her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't got your angellick +smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.' + +"Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her +mamma, though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the 'Book of +Bewty' the same year. + +"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her--but +the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted in a gitar +supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and her brother +Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering +stanzys about her:-- + + "LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT. + + "BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN. + + "The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea, + Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea: + I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er, + I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more. + I stood upon the donjon keep--it is a sacred place,--Where + floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race; + Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field, + There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield. + + "The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck, + On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck. + A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray--St. + Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day! + O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since + A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince! + At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers, + The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears! + + "'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing: + O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing! + Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us, + And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus! + O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear + Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear? + I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride, + And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side! + + "Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine! + Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line: + Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls, + The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls. + Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile, + 'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile. + I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob + I'll muse on other days, and wish--and wish I were.--A SNOB." + +"All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle. They're +always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps; but +the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his cuttin hoff his +'strong right hand,' is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit +hi,--as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a gal; and though he +may have the art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I'd back my smallest +cab-boy to lick him,--that is, if I AD a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is +over. + +"Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges +of the Istry of my life!" + + +"My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn, +prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though +mounted on the haypix of Good Luck--feasting hall the great (like the +Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and +igsample through life), but not forgitting the small--No, my beayvior to +my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what +the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up +her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a new shoot of close, which he +ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much to the estonishment of my Snyder +there, namely an olliffgreen velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a +crimsn plush weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in +my disposishn I never should have eluded to, but to show that I am +naturally of a noble sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which +is equel to either good or bad forting. + +"What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was +prepayred for my marridge--the consent of the parents of my Hangelina +was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to +Himing's halter--the trooso was hordered--the wedding dressis were being +phitted hon--a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn reddy by +Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there was such an account for Shantilly +and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the +Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls +I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away--no not by Hiss +Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind +shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. The +honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was +in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my +town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-Markit +which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of +the misrable Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was +restored to its elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was +20 primmium at 2 or 3: and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally, +had bought very largely for the two or three new accounts. + +"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders +for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their accounts. I am +the soal of onour--but no gent can pay when he has no money--it's not MY +fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred yards +of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the largist +Injar Shawls--it's not MY fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods +back, and that Lady B. declared they were LOST. I began the world afresh +with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing +nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though beat, +with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin. + +"Well--it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The 'Ringdove' +steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle apartmince +had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare--the +very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in Ill Street, and the +Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had +arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were full of it. Crowds +of the fashnable world went to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges +in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting, +and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet +ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and Mary +Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our match, this +worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and joakt, and +enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly. + +"I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before--aving a multachewd +of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts to settle: +atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in horder: my sleap +was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be +hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: tride on my wedding close, +and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly. + +"One thing distubbed my mind--two weskts had been sent home. A +blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet imbridered +in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated +and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street and +cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and +wear whichever SHE phixt on. + +"There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street: +which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared +meost uncommon when I kem in--the footman who was to enounce me laft I +thought--I was going up stairs-- + +"'Her ladyship's not--not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's hill in +bed.' + +"'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.' + +"At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out +like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the porter jined +in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, slapping his and on his +thy, without the least respect--I say, Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good +un?' + +"'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and laffing at +me?' + +"'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'--and +indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs--her &s +in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look hod & +then to grin too. + +"'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring +him fit to throttle him--'no raskle of a flunky shall insult ME,' and +I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of 'em into the +hall-chair with a flopp--when Mary Hann, jumping down, says, 'O James! O +Mr. Plush! read this'--and she pulled out a billy doo. + +"I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina." + + +"Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:-- + +"'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished pretensions +which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; and have spared me +the painful necessity of the step which I am compelled to take. For +a long time I could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to +sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot +undergo the shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last +hour I remonstrated in vain, and only now anticipate by a few hours, my +departure from a home from which they themselves were about to expel me. + +"'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you +are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed +of the step I have taken. And I have my own honor to consult, even +before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before +long. + +"'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite +feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. She admires you +as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you +to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try--for the sake of your +sincere friend and admirer, A. + +"'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds are +beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.' + +"This was hall!--Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, and +that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who has +she gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just +touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with the +noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then! + +"I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement! + +"The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is from the +Morning Tatler newspaper:-- + + +"ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. + +"THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT. + +"The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world, +has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event +which has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and affliction. + +"It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a +marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl, +and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been +the theme of general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was supposed, in all +human probability would have contained an account of the marriage of +James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina ----, daughter of +the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The preparations for this +ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich +trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall); the magnificent +jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant +marriage cake, which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not +destined to be eaten by the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb +carriages, and magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style +of the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord +Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials, +and is staying at Mivart's. What must have been the feelings of that +venerable prelate, what those of the agonized and noble parents of +the Lady Angelina--when it was discovered, on the day previous to +the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal mansion! To the +venerable Bishop the news of his noble niece's departure might have been +fatal: we have it from the waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was +about to indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news was +brought to him; immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann, +the celebrated surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond +Street at the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved +the exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace, +Bullocksmithy, tomorrow. + +"The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres can +be imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to +disturb--impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our +reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion in +Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable +Countess. They have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but +pardon. One was threatened with a cane; another, in the pursuit of his +official inquiries, was saluted with a pail of water; a third gentleman +was menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship's porter; but being +of an Irish nation, a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of +Trinity College, Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment confronted +the menial, and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring +hotel much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and +there obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of +this extraordinary occurrence. + +"George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of Lord +Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:--Lady Angelina had been +promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide +that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall. Previous +to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At +that period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living +in the quality of ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P. +was employed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady +Angelina--the elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss +Hoggins who delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of +his loss. + +"Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres, was +ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a cabriolet from +the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. 19,796, driven +by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clonakilty, in the +neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, according +to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with his vehicle. +His young lady, accompanied by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying +a band-box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what +were the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain. +On asking her Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any +particular direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the +eminent milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he +should accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss +Hoggins to go about his business. + +"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab +19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with no +small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln's Inn Fields, +where he lives with his family of nine children. Having received two +sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his regular fare, by the +way, would have been only one-and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out +with the cab for the two last days, passing them in a state of almost +ceaseless intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer to +the queries of our reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a +compatriot, it is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy +the curiosity of the public. + +"At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A +GENTLEMAN entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER gentleman +(meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray trousers, and black +hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE EUSTON SQUARE STATION, +and there left them. How he employed his time subsequently we have +stated. + +"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment +learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman +answering the above description had taken places to Derby. We have +despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and +shall give his report in a second edition. + + +"SECOND EDITION. + +"(From our Reporter.) + +"NEWCASTLE, Monday. + +"I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and Cucumber +Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS. JONES, the +gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box, +arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to +SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot, +as they are putting to. + + +"THIRD EDITION. + +"GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening. + +"The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock, the +Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between +George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third +son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and Lady +Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the present Earl of +Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina +Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl +Bareacres. + + +(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book +of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be +repeated here.) + + +"After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment +of sherry and water--the former the Captain pronounced to be execrable; +and, having myself tasted some glasses from the VERY SAME BOTTLE with +which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the +Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the 'Bagpipes Hotel and +Posting-House,' whence they instantly proceeded. I follow them as soon +as the horses have fed. + + +"FOURTH EDITION. + +"SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER. + +"WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight. + +"I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the +newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace, reached +Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the 'Cairngorm +Arms'--mine is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of Whistlebinkie.' + +"On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of military +appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in smoking +a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the +gentleman in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my boy? You have +come too late; unless you are come to have some supper;' or words to +that effect. I explained that I was not the Lord Viscount Southdown, +and politely apprised Captain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the +individual before me could be no other) of his mistake. + +"'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you, then?' +said Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's attorneys? +If you are, you have come too late for the fair.' + +"I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my name +was J--ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the establishment +of the Morning Tatler newspaper. + +"'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked +my interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank--that the +disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused +the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were +anxious to give the public every particular regarding an event so +singular. + +"'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from +London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the readers +of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ----(the Captain +here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you too, +sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.' + +"'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, seizing +me rudely by the collar--and he would have choked me, but that my blue +satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of +this GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe, +'murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to +the crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable; they and the +unfeeling post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, 'Give it +him, Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have +had the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general +and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and +said, 'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap, +Jims, and order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense--and mind I +don't see your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it +is.' + +"With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr. +Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of +his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I make them +known that they may call down the indignation of the body of which I am +a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman +shamefully assaulted and insulted in the discharge of a public duty." + + +"Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of my +busm, and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou +be appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink +on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your be1/2! + +"I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of +Hangelina's departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the +fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, they were +married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl +Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er +who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I never from that +momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back--with +the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship +COODN'T FIND. Ony it was whispered that at the nex buthday she was seen +with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN. Let er keep it. + +"Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me +adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister--but I +wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh--there was no more money for +THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a +poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Assombly. + +"All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers, +hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills, +haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss +didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack'd +my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night +I follered Hangelinar in imadganation along the North Road. I wented +cusses & mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in +my unhuttarable whoe! I seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it, +strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint +grasp; and taw the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible +strenth of my despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of +that night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning, +the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De la +Pluche! + +"'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I had +not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged elseware. +Hevns & huth!--what was it I red there? What was it that made me spring +outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?--I red Rewin in that +Share-list--the Pannick was in full hoparation! + +***** + +"Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is familliar? +My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding +art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of +twenty-three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at +least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas +quotid at 14 pm, were down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at +3/8 discount; my Table Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my +Bathershins and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account +at 17 primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central +Oregons, prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be +alive to write my own tail!" + +(Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad +calculations, which we pretermit.) + +"Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me +a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-sixpence: +woodn't advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of scrip; kep me +waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and then sent out +Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't discount my paper, +and implawed me to clothes my account. I did: I paid the three-and-six +balliance, and never sor 'em mor. + +"The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies, +Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They +beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn +keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and +Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off +every stick of my furniture. 'Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.' +What an adwertisement George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was +collected to laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller +of wine; my picturs--that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless +her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all--all went to the ammer. That +brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on the +sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into suvvis aginn.' + +"I DID go into suvvis--the wust of all suvvices--I went into the Queen's +Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial weeks. +Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble altogether; there was sunlike +in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to drive +hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat old +lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has +an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann! +'Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann +said. Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral: +but I didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed man. +Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out! I'd thirteen +shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned +the mangle for three weeks; and then Uncle Bill said, 'Well, there IS +some good in the feller;' and it was agreed that we should marry." + +The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw the +accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are +happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one. + +The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of +Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop. +Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable +prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had +been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he married +three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface, +Bullocksmithy. + +The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing +a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop +fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his +accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable +form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand; +but life was extinct: and surgical aid was therefore not particularly +useful. + +All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man +increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in during +his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds--divided +between his nephew and niece--not a greater sum than has been left by +several deceased Irish prelates. + +What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon to +state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which +does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina +Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and affectionate +servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. James Plush, to whom +her Ladyship also made a handsome present--namely, the lease, good-will, +and fixtures of the "Wheel of Fortune" public-house, near Shepherd's +Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by all the nobility's +footmen, doing a genteel stroke of business in the neighborhood, and +where, as we have heard, the "Butlers' Club" is held. + +Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife: +reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a +higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates +himself to an apron with perfect good humor. A gentleman connected with +this establishment dined at the "Wheel of Fortune" the other day, and +collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he brought +in the first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of +excellent port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he +said--that a witless version of his adventures had been produced at +the Princess's theatre, "without with your leaf or by your leaf," as +he expressed it. "Has for the rest," the worthy fellow said, "I'm +appy--praps betwixt you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass +of beer or port (with your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much +as my clarrit in my prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely +to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary Hann, +he's a beest: and when a christening takes place in our famly, will you +give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be godfather." + + + +LETTERS OF JEAMES. + + +JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS. + + +"Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety the +follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an olesome +warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents. + +"Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable cludgyman +in the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel T----, of the +Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young man was sent to +Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very nearly +being Senior Rangler. He came to London to study for the lor. His +prospix was bright indead; and he lived in a secknd flore in Jerming +Street, having a ginteal inkum of two hundred lbs. per hannum. + +"With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted for +nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young man, who +took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots; cleaned his +kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to dine out, +took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club--where (unless +somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed his alf-pint of +Marsally Wine. + +"Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the +world. Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long +befor sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; one, +ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of the +Heast-Injar Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal of all the +season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His haspirations were +on the pint of being crowndid with success; and it was agreed that as +soon as he was called to the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a +Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord Chanslor, he should lead her to +the halter. + +"What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up his +mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent pleader; +he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb, or with his +hadord Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies; he never +was known to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip-top friends lent it +him; to go to a theayter unless he got a horder; or to henter a tavern +or smoke a cigar. If prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that +young man. + +"But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick Timmins. +The Railway Hoperations began. + +"For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations +of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took no +note of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution which +with hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they began to be +talked of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford and Cambridge +Clubb, fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared +four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his +proppaty gambling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who +had won it, had won a small istate besides by lucky specklations in the +Share Markit. + +"HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having saved +100 lb., he began a writin for shares--using, like an ickonominicle +feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious igstent. All the +Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to shares--the allottments +came tumbling in--he took the primmiums by fifties and hundreds a day. +His desk was cramd full of bank notes: his brane world with igsitement. + +"He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day about +Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole talk was +of railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled full of +prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle, to say he +feared he was neglectin his bisniss. + +"Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous habits. +He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to Greenwich +or Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often: although the +hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so much more heasily +now than before: for now he kep a Broom! + +"But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin: in an +evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning to all +young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on them in a moral +pint of vu! + +"You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican +Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal) +Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit ninepence per +share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or +four healthy niggers, African currency)--the shares of this helegeble +investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy man was Fred when, +after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he sold his shares for +250L. He gave a dinner at the 'Star and Garter' that very day. I promise +you there was no Marsally THERE. + +"Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose to 5, +he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he, 'when all this +money was to be won!' + +"'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw, +K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear fellow, +the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word of +honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?' + +"'Honor bright,' says Fred. + +"'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but went +tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of the +streets. Claw WENT BY WATER. + +"'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting into +his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8. + +***** + +"Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which +says:-- + +"'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.' + +"And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging. + +"What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since. His +lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain deplores his +absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his housekeeper; and +the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in the +fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High Life.--The rich and beautiful +Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, is to be speedily united to +Colonel Claw, K.X.R.' + +"JEAMES." + + +JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION. + +"You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the haltered +linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble mislny were +once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated +in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the +'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me; that is my haypun +which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the checkers which +hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin Genral, St. +Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang +in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of Small Bier. As for my +wife--that Angel--I've not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in +the Bar, smiling like a sunflower and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing +a deer little darlint totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and +my i's to a T! + + * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. + +"I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but a +Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with all my +sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys +as to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and scorn artily. But as +a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my jewty compels me to +come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the +break of Gage. + +"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very nearly +had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when the Lady +Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres, presented the gallant +Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would satasfy her +Ladyship but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann +Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion. Captain S---- +was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment to his Lady. I +cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, and +our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend's residence, +Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham. + +"Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4, +but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon Railroad +travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great +Westn, in an eavle Hour. + +"We didnt take much luggitch--my wife's things in the ushal +bandboxes--mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's (called +so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a small supply of a +few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady's fingers, +for that dear child, who is now 6 months old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE. +Likewise we were charged with a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from +Skivary & Morris, containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's +cawdle, with a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and +owsehold: about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's +in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres +(big enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked 'Glass,' from her +ladyship's meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to this an +ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace hangings, held up +by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding James Hangelo's rattle & my +umbrellow, 73 packidges in all. + +"We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid +Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet +spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn +upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know--and here, to our +infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we were +in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other light +harticles. + +"Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my +hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; but +seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an +Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--'James,' says Mary +Hann, 'instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young +neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the other +carridge.' I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the +opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby's rattle; and jest as I +came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the whizzling +injians proclayms the time of our departure,--& farewell soop and cottn +velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the umberella. +If it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James +Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: & +for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the +passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly. + +"We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged +to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs, +tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like mad, +and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the +broad gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' says I, rot to desperation, +'I shall throttle this darling if he goes on.' 'Do,' says she--'and GO +INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says she--a snatchin the babby out of my +arms. Do go,' says she, youre not fit to look after luggage,' and she +began lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she looked +after the packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that +packet!--pretty darling--easy with that box, Sir, its glass--pooooty +poppet--where's the deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried, +reading out of a list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep. +The porters were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more +ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball. + +"At last--bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the Chayny +bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white bandbox, with a +crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from Crinoline's!' cries Mary +Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward to +inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls clinking inside; +and Lady B.'s mixture (which had the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was +dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak, +trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting. + +"As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I thought +I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little soup; so +I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off. +There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon. + +***** + +"We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered with +a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not speak for +some minutes. At last she spoke out-- + +"'Have you all the small parcels?' + +"'Twenty-three in all,' says I. + +"'Then give me baby.' + +"'Give you what?' says I. + +"'Give me baby.' + +"'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I. + +***** + +"O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE LEDGE AT +GLOSTER. + +"It all came of the break of gage." + + + +MR. JEAMES AGAIN. + + +"DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my privit +ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis, +regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose primmiture +dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted parents, I must +begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of your valuble collams +once more, and hease the public mind about my blessid boy. + +"Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush was +left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most disgreeble of +complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be +said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rusht into that +fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not Baby, but Bundles +I had in my lapp. + +"When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at the +train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the luggitch, +her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady Hangelina's baby, +the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one immortial smash; the +old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if it was huss, and not +the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and as if we ad no misfortns +of our hown to deplaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called +Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on +about her broken Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear +little Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby' +(seshe); 'where's my bowl?--where's my medsan?--where's my bewtiffle +Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!' + +"'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite +riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at +Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it's not the fust time they've been +asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you send +for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the "Plow"--they keep it very good +and strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a going back to the +cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.' + +"'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not going to +Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss it?' + +"'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint by +the Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I +lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to +Gloster. + +"I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in the +carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. When we +got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to +the station, up to the fatle Bench. + +"'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's my +infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,--dear Mr. Policeman, +give it me--a thousand guineas for it.' + +"'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby have I +seen this day except thirteen of my own--and you're welcome to any one +of THEM, and kindly.' + +"'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said, +afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time--pawters +& clarx and refreshmint people and all. 'What's this year row about that +there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping hup. I thought my +wife was going to jump into his harms. 'Have you got him?' says she. + +"'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he. + +"'And blue eyse!' says my wife. + +"'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by this +time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a letter-box,' +says he: 'he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the broad gauge line, +and sent him on by it, in course,' says he. 'And it'll be a caution to +you, young woman, for the future, to label your children along with the +rest of your luggage.' + +"If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may emadgine +I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As it was, we was +obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train (4 ears they seemed +to us), and then away we went. + +"'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got +there. 'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man. 'No body claimed him +here, and so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him +some supper, and he's at Paddington by this time. Yes,' says he, looking +at the clock, 'he's been there these ten minutes.' + +"But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this +good-naterd man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your +mind. We'll know in five minutes how he is.' + +"'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.' + +"'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.' + +"And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle +inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the +twinkling of a peg-post. + +"'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.' + +"Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.' + +"'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed. Back comes the +answer in a Jiffy-- + +"'C. R. Y. I. N. G.' + +"This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann, who +pull'd a very sad face. + +"The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;' and +what d'ye think was the answer? I'm blest if it wasn't-- + +"'P. A. P.' + +"He was eating pap! There's for you--there's a rogue for you--there's a +March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust time. 'He'll sleep +now,' says she. And she sat down with a full hart. + +***** + +"If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE need +never ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I promise +you--where me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and where only +yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in our bar. + + * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. + +"And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most precious +luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this year way, +why it won't be for want of warning, both from Professor Harris, the +Commission, and from + +"My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant, + +"JEAMES PLUSH." + + + + +THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. + + +CHAPTER I. + +"TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION." + + +I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public +I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, as I +leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows:-- + + +MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S., + +Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse, + +AHMEDNUGGAR. + + +Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid any of +those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so frequent of +late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble title +of mine, and the confusion thereby created. When I published my volume +of poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper remarked "that the +Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among the sweetest +flowrets of the present spring season." The Quarterly Review, commenting +upon my Observations on the "Pons Asinorum" (4to. London, 1836), called +me "Doctor Gahagan," and so on. It was time to put an end to these +mistakes, and I have taken the above simple remedy. + +I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at +the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl--ns +(who, though she does not speak English, understands it as well as I +do,) said to me in the softest Teutonic, "Lieber Herr Major, haben sie +den Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion gelassen?" "Warum denn?" said I, +quite astonished at her R---l H-----ss's question. The P---cess then +spoke of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Goliah +Gahagan. + +There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question. + +"Comment donc?" said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count +Mole; "le cher Major a quitte l'armee! Nicolas donc sera maitre de +l'Inde!" H. M---- and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation in +a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state of +confusion. I blushed and stuttered, and murmured out a few incoherent +words to explain--but it would not do--I could not recover my equanimity +during the course of the dinner and while endeavoring to help an English +Duke, my neighbor, to poulet a l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms +and three large greasy croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill. +Another laugh at my expense. "Ah! M. le Major," said the Q---- of the +B-lg--ns, archly, "vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel." Her +M----y's joke will be better understood when I state that his Grace is +the brother of a Minister. + +I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by +mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. I +only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least +in DECENT society. Verbum sat. + +But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah in +full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also +a Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the +public most likely knows. Poor Greg! a very trivial dispute was the +cause of our quarrel, which never would have originated but for the +similarity of our names. The circumstance was this: I had been lucky +enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling service (in the +notorious affair of Choprasjee Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a +gold toothpick-case directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course +thought was for me: my brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the +consequence was, that in about three minutes he received a slash in the +right side (cut 6), which effectually did his business:--he was a good +swordsman enough--I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous +part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all--he +had left it on the Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what +madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble; he had much +better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined to have +it. From this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader will perceive +that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; and, in fact, I +may say that I have led a more remarkable life than any man in the +service--I have been at more pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes, +had more success among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a +handsomer man than any officer now serving her Majesty. + +When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of seventeen, +with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic at all kinds of +exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else who would trust +me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of 120L. a year. I need +not say that with all these advantages I did that which a number of +clever fellows have done before me--I fell in love, and proposed to +marry immediately. + +But how to overcome the difficulty?--It is true that I loved Julia +Jowler--loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a Member +of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was, +however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the "Samuel +Snob" East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely creature, and my +misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. We were not out +of the Channel before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she trod +upon, kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. +The same madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates fought +about her at the Cape; the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from +disappointed affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten +spontaneous combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and +seven daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs. +L., and made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me, +with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs. Duffy, +although he had had nineteen children by her. + +We used to call her the witch--there was magic in her beauty and in her +voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark staring mad +when she looked at me! O lustrous black eyes!--O glossy night-black +ringlets!--O lips!--O dainty frocks of white muslin!--O tiny kid +slippers!--though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still! I recollect, +off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular way one day at dinner, +just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of scalding hot green fat. +I was stupefied at once--I thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound) +into my mouth. I made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but +left it there for many minutes, burning, burning! I had no skin to my +palate for seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest +of the voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia +Jowler over me. + +The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of storms, +shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so forth, that +(although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think +it quite unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to +say, that during our five months' trajet, my mad passion for Julia +daily increased; so did the captain's and the surgeon's; so did Colonel +Lilywhite's; so did the doctor's, the mate's--that of most part of +the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew. For myself, I +swore--ensign as I was--I would win her for my wife; I vowed that I +would make her glorious with my sword--that as soon as I had made a +favorable impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to +create), I would lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand +his daughter's hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage +continue and conclude. + +We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December, 1802, +and then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was carried off +to her papa's arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at least forty +hookahbadars; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a +solitary beasty (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are called), +made his way humbly to join the regiment at head-quarters. + +The --th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of +Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and Europe +by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles--so great was +its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in that +delightful district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in +command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through +the body, was second Major. We were on the eve of that remarkable war +which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of India, to call +forth the valor of a Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a +Gahagan; which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar (where +I was the first over the barricade at the storming of the Pettah); at +Argaum, where I slew with my own sword twenty-three matchlock-men, +and cut a dromedary in two; and by that terrible day of Assaye, where +Wellesley would have been beaten but for me--me alone: I headed nineteen +charges of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my own troop) +seventeen field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly French artillerymen; +on that day I had eleven elephants shot under me, and carried away +Scindiah's nose-ring with a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a Duke and a +Marshal, I but a simple Major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war! +But my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had better +proceed with more order. + +On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first time put +on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue swallow-tailed +jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with about 3,000 +sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-colored leather inexpressibles (tights), and +red morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to admiration +the handsome persons of the officers of our corps. We wore powder in +those days; and a regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet +surrounded by leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather, +gave the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more +easily imagined than described. + +Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself before +Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely similar, but not +being more than five feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen +stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and +taller men. Flanked by his tall Majors, Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like +a stumpy skittle-ball between two attenuated skittles. The plump little +Colonel received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime +favorite with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was +the most hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love +together, I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet +presence of Julia. + +I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early +days, that this Miss Jowler--on whom I had lavished my first and warmest +love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and purity--was no better +than a little impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, because +during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no other toy to play with; +and who deserted others for me, and me for others, just as her whim +or her interest might guide her. She had not been three weeks at +head-quarters when half the regiment was in love with her. Each and all +of the candidates had some favor to boast of, or some encouraging hopes +on which to build. It was the scene of the "Samuel Snob" over again, +only heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list +will give the reader a notion of some of them:-- + + +1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. Hicks +received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity of carroty +whisker forced down his throat with the ball. + +2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan. I was run through +the body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and injured me very +slightly. + +3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S., +Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo +grounds, Ramgolly branch. + + +Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's-play, and he might have come +off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the civilian +placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his stomach. A +remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account of which I sent +home to the "Philosophical Transactions:" the surgeon had extracted +the ball, and was going off, thinking that all was well, when the gold +repeater struck thirteen in poor Macgillicuddy's abdomen. I suppose that +the works must have been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for +the repeater was one of Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the +circumstance occurred at SEVEN o'clock.* + + * So admirable are the performances of these watches, which + will stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor + Macgillicuddy relate the following fact. The hours, as it + is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four: the day + Mac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours, + from one to twenty-four; as soon as he crossed the Alps it + only sounded as usual.--G. O'G. G. + +I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which this +Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should think, +satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, heaven +knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the +sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I know that four +times as many more took place concerning her. + +I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had been +born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had married from +the house of her mother, a native. There were some singular rumors +abroad regarding this latter lady's history: it was reported that she +was the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off by a poor +English subaltern in Lord Clive's time. The young man was killed very +soon after, and left his child with its mother. The black Prince forgave +his daughter and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I suppose +that it was on this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who +had not, I do believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality: +she was a hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, +and red eyes: she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy--she hated and was +hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any +other. She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent most +of her time with her native friends. I wonder how she could have given +birth to so lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of course +with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her +daughter's composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her. If +Julia had been a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now; she set +the whole cantonment by the ears; she made wives jealous and husbands +miserable; she caused all those duels of which I have discoursed +already, and yet such was the fascination of THE WITCH that I still +thought her an angel. I made court to the nasty mother in order to be +near the daughter; and I listened untiringly to Jowler's interminable +dull stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the +graceful movements of Miss Julia. + +But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the +battle-field Gahagan is a man! The Bundelcund Invincibles received +orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and prepared +to part from his Andromache. And now arose his perplexity: what must be +done with his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife's peculiarities of +living, and did not much care to trust his daughter to her keeping; but +in vain he tried to find her an asylum among the respectable ladies of +his regiment. Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing +to do with Mrs. Jowler; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have +neither mother nor daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her +mother must have a house together, and Jowler knew that his wife would +fill it with her odious blackamoor friends. + +I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned +from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see her alone, +and wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer does about a +public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and +longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or +her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the tale +of my love. + +But it would not do--old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a sudden to +such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him out of doors, +and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin gave the +first idea of our regimental breeches), who before had been gadding +ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose into every menage in the +cantonment, stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My only chance +was to beard the old couple in their den, and ask them at once for their +cub. + +So I called one day at tiffin:--old Jowler was always happy to have my +company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson's +pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was +in Bengal)--and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old Mrs. +Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;--she was exactly the color of it, as I +have had already the honor to remark, and she swallowed the mixture with +a gusto which was never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando apropos +d'huitres. She consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon, +like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would throw +away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards her, go to +work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with her fingers, and +stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy company. But why +do I diverge from the main point of my story? + +Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl was in +the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. "How do you do, Mr. +Gagin?" said the old hag, leeringly. "Eat a bit o' currie-bhaut,"--and +she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. "What! +Gagy my boy, how do, how do?" said the fat Colonel. "What! run through +the body?--got well again--have some Hodgson--run through your body +too!"--and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that +in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the +skin) old Jowler laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices, +consomahs, and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, unasked, +with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused +nervously for a moment, and then said-- + +"Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga." + +The black ruffians took the hint and retired. + +"Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are alone; and you, +Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is--I mean--I take this opportunity +to--(another glass of ale, if you please)--to express, once for all, +before departing on a dangerous campaign"--(Julia turned pale)--"before +entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch in the dust my high-raised +hopes and me, to express my hopes while life still remains to me, and +to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love +you, Julia!" The Colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck +quivering for some minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded not the +paltry interruption. "Yes, by yon bright heaven," continued I, "I +love you, Julia! I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and +beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a +return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such deeds +in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of your Gahagan." + +The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, snapped, and +ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was now red, now white; +the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg, +wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had remarked by +his side. + +"A cornet!" said he, in a voice choking with emotion; "a pitiful, +beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler! Gag, Gahagan, +are you mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man--at +these letters, I say--one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every +part of India (not including one from the Governor-General, and six from +his brother, Colonel Wellesley,)--one hundred and twenty-four proposals +for the hand of Miss Jowler! Cornet Gahagan," he continued, "I wish to +think well of you: you are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, +the handsomest man in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee. +You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!"--(Here the +old rogue grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).--"No, no," said he, +waxing good-natured; "Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense! Julia, love, retire +with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe +with me." + +I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life. + +***** + +I am not going to give here an account of my military services; they +will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty volumes, +which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in all +Wellesley's brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk, I travelled across +the country north-eastward, and had the honor of fighting by the side of +Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore: +but I will not boast of my actions--the military man knows them, MY +SOVEREIGN appreciates them. If asked who was the bravest man of the +Indian army, there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry +at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate: I cared not for life, +deprived of Julia Jowler. + +With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern refusal +in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, again to seek +her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen months on service, +marching and countermarching, and fighting almost every other day: to +the world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the face, and +not the seared and blighted heart within me. My valor, always +desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my grooms and +grass-cutters for the most trifling offence or error,--I never in action +spared a man,--I sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course +of that single campaign. + +Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor old +Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he received a +parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her +daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that +he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within two days; but +it was against the blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows, +in the heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit of dealing +rather roughly with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they +used to pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, +to flog them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on. +Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which before had always +justly exasperated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now +to smile fiercely and say, "D--- the black scoundrels! Serve them right, +serve them right!" + +One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had been +on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably +to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a +neighboring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in an instant +three of my men's saddles were empty, and I was left with but seven more +to make head against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen. +I never saw in my life a nobler figure than the leader of the +troop--mounted on a splendid black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as +myself; he wore a steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful +French carbine, which had already done execution upon two of my men. I +saw that our only chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man. +I shouted to him in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of +course), "Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man!" + +In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and mortally +transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. Grinding my teeth +and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed its +blow,* and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, his own +sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry +of battle. + + * In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go + out with small-swords--miserable weapons only fit for + tailors.--G. O'G. G. + +The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut off his +sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head. I said that +he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of +chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered "ST. GEORGE;" my sword +caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, cut +crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby +which he wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean in two between the +eyebrows and nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side +on each shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my +men, who were not a little amused at the feat. + +As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their leader's +fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we made a single +prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler. + +We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said it +was Chowder Loll. + +"Chowder Loll!" shrieked Colonel Jowler. "O fate! thy hand is here!" He +rushed wildly into his tent--the next day applied for leave of absence. +Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for some +time. + +***** + +As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General Lake +sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley received me +with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at +Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blushing, +thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side! + +Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my former +passages with his daughter. "Gagy my boy," says he, shaking hands, "glad +to see you. Old friend, Julia--come to tiffin--Hodgson's pale--brave +fellow Gagy." Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, and fixed +upon me her awful eyes! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent +words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said, "Come!" Need I +say I went? + +I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I know, +that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had been: and that +in three weeks I--yes, I--was the accepted lover of Julia! I did not +pause to ask where were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I, +refused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I loved her, +and was happy! + +***** + +One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a lover's +pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of palaces +until I came to the house which contained my Julia. I peeped into the +compound--all was still; I looked into the veranda--all was dark, +except a light--yes, one light--and it was in Julia's chamber! My heart +throbbed almost to stilling. I would--I WOULD advance, if but to gaze +upon her for a moment, and to bless her as she slept. I DID look, I DID +advance; and, O heaven! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress, +with a very dark baby in her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an +ayah, who was nursing another. + +"Oh, mamma," said Julia, "what would that fool Gahagan say if he knew +all?" + +"HE DOES KNOW ALL!" shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down the +tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia +fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their d----d nurse fell +on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindustanee. Old Jowler +at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword. + +"Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!" shouted I. "Turn, ruffian, and defend +yourself!" But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked at his +lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room. + +Why continue the tale? I need not now account for Jowler's gloom on +receiving his letters from Benares--for his exclamation upon the death +of the Indian chief--for his desire to marry his daughter: the woman I +was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. Chowder Loll! + + +CHAPTER II. + +ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE. + + +I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of some +of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have endeavored +to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I +make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or good feeling, to steal +from me that which is my sole wealth--my character as a teller of THE +TRUTH. + +The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures of +a profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists, none +(luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of my +statements: they know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON. If I can +use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, and +would answer their contradictions with my sword! No gold or gems +adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but there is blood upon the +blade--the blood of the enemies of my country, and the maligners of my +honest fame. There are others, however--the disgrace of a disgraceful +trade--who, borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have ventured +to assail me. The infamous editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay +Beacon, the Tipperary Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other +dastardly organs of the provincial press, have, although differing in +politics, agreed upon this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity, +vented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me. + +They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully perverted +history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, was any one of +these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any single conductor of any +one of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country? +Does this EXQUISITE Tipperary scribe know the difference between +Hurrygurrybang and Burrumtollah? Not he! and because, forsooth, in those +strange and distant lands strange circumstances have taken place, it +is insinuated that the relater is a liar: nay, that the very places +themselves have no existence but in my imagination. Fools!--but I will +not waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions +of my personal history. + +It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will not +venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against +Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna, +where he exercised that brilliant little army which was speedily to +perform such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give a slight +account of the causes of a war which was speedily to rage through some +of the fairest portions of the Indian continent. + +Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line +of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had wellnigh +hurled Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of Bagdad)--Shah +Allum, I say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was in reality +the slave of the various warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over +the country and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some more +successful rebel. Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row +Scindiah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a +time complete mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan +soldier, had abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it +until he had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the +eyes of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came +to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed +his oppressor, only increased his slavery; holding him in as painful a +bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous Afghan. + +As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long +rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, the +British Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no +means interfered in the contest. But the French Revolution broke out, +and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian +States, seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds of the +various native princes against the British East India Company. A +number of these entered into Scindiah's ranks: one of them, Perron, was +commander of his army; and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in +his hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of +an invasion of the British territory, the Company all of a sudden +discovered that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and +determined to re-establish the ancient splendor of his throne. + +Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that prompted our +governors to take these kindly measures in his favor. I don't know how +it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit +better off than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten, +and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a puppet as before. +Somehow, in the hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster +remained with the British Government, who had so kindly offered to dress +it for the Emperor, while his Majesty was obliged to be contented with +the shell. + +The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of the +Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of cavalry and +twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by General Lake in +person. + +Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur; +on the fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name +was mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the +Commander-in-Chief's words regarding me--they will spare me the trouble +of composing my own eulogium:-- + +"The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high sense +of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the ---- cavalry. In the +storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single ladder, +and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in +escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. Fourteen ditches +lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls +bristling with innumerable artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses, +were in turn triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His +course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies lying thick +upon the platforms; and alas! by the corpses of most of the gallant +men who followed him!--when at length he effected his lodgment, and the +dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose +upon him the tigers and lions of Scindiah's menagerie. This meritorious +officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most +ferocious animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of +BRITISH VALOR, shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private, +and Runty Goss, havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine +hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honor to them! honor and tears +for the brave men who perished on that awful day!" + +***** + +I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of September +24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to the statement, +may refer to the paper itself. + +And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so marvellously +preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. Were I to say that +any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous +combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn. No: though my narrative is +extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and never, never would +I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this:--the +citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a thousand feet +above the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his +Excellency was good enough to remark in his despatch. A man who would +mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he +mounted them without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We HAD +scaling-ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was +quite impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. +Mounted on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I +saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could +be found for our brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was about +seventy feet high. I instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and +peppered the latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling +place; the men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this simple +stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier--for to ascend a +wall which the General was pleased to call "as smooth as glass" is an +absurd impossibility: I seek to achieve none such:-- + + "I dare do all that may become a man, + Who dares do more, is neither more nor less." + +Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one of us +would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it was owing to +fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery, +arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so +difficult as might be imagined--killing these fellows was sheer +butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned and fled +helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their courage by the fact +that out of about seven hundred men killed by us, only forty had wounds +in front, the rest being bayoneted as they ran. + +And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting out of +these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, the second +commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (conspicuous for a +tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we +stormed them, and running away the very first among the fugitives. +He had all the keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he opened the +menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when +the animals were overcome. Runty Goss then opened them one by one, our +troops entered, and the victorious standard of my country floated on the +walls of Allyghur! + +When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line of +fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead rhinoceros +on which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. But the excitement +which had borne me through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day +failed all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder. + +Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in the +power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds him +in the capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit was, +therefore, not very rich. His Excellency had a favorite horn snuff-box +(for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits most simple): +of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, which he +always took, he made me a present, saying, in front of the line, "Accept +this, Mr. Gahagan, as a token of respect from the first to the bravest +officer in the army." + +Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that +fourpence was about the value of this gift: but it has at least this +good effect--it serves to convince any person who doubts my story, that +the facts of it are really true. I have left it at the office of my +publisher, along with the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody +may examine both by applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.* +That once popular expression, or proverb, "are you up to snuff?" arose +out of the above circumstance; for the officers of my corps, none of +whom, except myself, had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me +about this modest reward for my labors. Never mind! when they want me to +storm a fort AGAIN, I shall know better. + + * The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at + Mr. Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a + newspaper, and does not QUITE prove that he killed a + rhinoceros and stormed fourteen intrenchments at the siege + of Allyghur. + +Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, Perron, +who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in to us, with +his family and treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements +at Chandernagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we now +moved. The morning of the 11th of September found us upon the plains of +Delhi. + +It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves after +the morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet along +with O'Gawler of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy's +neighborhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler and I were seated under +a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed to shelter us from +the intolerable heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight +a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool, +weak, refreshing sangaree. We had been playing cards the night before, +and O'Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of +the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking, +and holding mine up, said, "Here's better luck to you next time, +O'Gawler!" + +As I spoke the words--whish!--a cannon-ball cut the tumbler clean out +of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach. It settled him +completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such are +the uncertainties of war! + +To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements--to mount my Arab charger--to +drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree--and to gallop to the +General, was the work of a moment. I found him as comfortably at tiffin +as if he were at his own house in London. + +"General," said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent), "you +must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy." + +"The enemy--psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of the +river." + +"I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly carry +five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot dead at my +side with a cannon-ball." + +"Ha! is it so?" said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the +drumstick of a grilled chicken. "Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of +Europe are upon us, and follow me!" + +Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat; each +British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. We mounted +our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old General; I not the +last in the train, upon my famous black charger. + +It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three miles +of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we galloped, we +were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line. +Nothing can better describe it than this:-- + + ________________________________ + ................................. A + . + . + . + . + +--A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty pieces +of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, intrenched; and +a wide morass in his front gave him an additional security. + +His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said, turning +round to one of his aides-de-camp, "Order up Major-General Tinkler and +the cavalry." + +"HERE, does your Excellency mean?" said the aide-de-camp, surprised, for +the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying about as +thick as peas. + +"HERE, sir!" said the old General, stamping with his foot in a passion, +and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. In five minutes +we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part +of the cavalry had joined us. + +Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the air, +their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden sunlight. +"And now we are here," said Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler, +"what next?" "Oh, d--- it," said the Commander-in-Chief, "charge, +charge--nothing like charging--galloping--guns--rascally black +scoundrels--charge, charge!" And then turning round to me (perhaps he +was glad to change the conversation), he said, "Lieutenant Gahagan, you +will stay with me." + +And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the battle WAS +GAINED BY ME. I do not mean to insult the reader by pretending that any +personal exertions of mine turned the day,--that I killed, for instance, +a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns,--such absurd tales +would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is well known, +never say a single word which cannot be proved, and hate more than all +other vices the absurd sin of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to +the General, at a quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day, +won this great triumph for the British army. + +Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though +somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General Lake, +for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree! +and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand +upon my heart and say that I was. If any proof is wanting of the fact, +let me give it at once, and from the highest military testimony in the +world--I mean that of the Emperor Napoleon. + +In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the "Prince +Regent," Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage from +Calcutta to England. In company with the other officers on board the +ship, I paid my respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who +received us in his garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen +dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General Montholon, Count +Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a little boy; who I dare say does +not recollect me, but who nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the +tassels of my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his +Imperial Majesty. + +Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by General +Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a bow to the +owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to +mine. The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands out +of his pockets, put them behind his back, and coming up to me smiling, +pronounced the following words:-- + +"Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?" + +I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said--"Sire, c'est moi." + +"Parbleu! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, holding out his +snuff-box. "En usez-vous, Major?" I took a large pinch (which, with the +honor of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes), +and he continued as nearly as possible in the following words:-- + +"Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third brother, +the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade." + +Gahagan.--"Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your Majesty's +service stood under the green flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat +Wellington back. It was the only time, as your Majesty knows, that +Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war." + +Napoleon (looking as if he would say, "D--- your candor, Major +Gahagan").--"Well, well; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and died a +General in my service." + +Gahagan.--"He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty +Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan mark." + +Napoleon (to Montholon).--"C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma +parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que c'est vrai. Ils ne sont pas +d'autres, ces terribles Ga'gans. You must know that Monsieur gained +the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. In this +way:--Ce belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and placing +them in front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la plaine, was +for charging the enemy's batteries with his horse, who would have been +ecrases, mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the cunning of ce grand +rogue que vous voyez." + +Montholon.--"Coquin de Major, va!" + +Napoleon.--"Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great +bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which +he had brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would +infallibly have done so--and the loss of his army would have been the +ruin of the East India Company--and the ruin of the English East India +Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a republic then!) +in the East--but that the man before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was +riding at the side of General Lake." + +Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).--"Gredin! cent mille +tonnerres de Dieu!" + +Napoleon (benignantly).--"Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will you? +It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, or rather +slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a +retreat." + +Montholon. "Le lache! Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule jamais." + +Napoleon.--"STUPIDE! Don't you see WHY the retreat was ordered?--don't +you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from +his impregnable intrenchments? Don't you know that the ignorant Indian +fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of his guns, came +down with his cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons? +Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of +the north swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their +guns, which were useless, entered Holkar's intrenchments along with his +troops, sabred the artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of +Delhi!" + +As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed fire, +his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the enemy from +beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the +charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud +moment in my life, but never such a proud one as this; and I would +readily pardon the word "coward," as applied to me by Montholon, in +consideration of the testimony which his master bore in my favor. + +"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why had I not such a man +as you in my service? I would have made you a Prince and a Marshal!" and +here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport. +He was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his fortunes; +and indeed I have very little doubt that I might. + +Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, Napoleon's +valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, and talking +upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me +deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in this remarkable +interview. + + +CHAPTER III. + +A PEEP INTO SPAIN--ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR +IRREGULARS. + + +HEAD QUARTERS, MORELLA, Sept. 16, 1838. + +I have been here for some months, along with my young friend Cabrera: +and in the hurry and bustle of war--daily on guard and in the batteries +for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe wounds +and seven musket-balls in my body--it may be imagined that I have had +little time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter arma +silent leges--in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing! as the poet +says; and I never would have bothered myself with a pen, had not common +gratitude incited me to throw off a few pages. + +Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this +place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor Emmett +Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of Gray's Inn, and +what he called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with +the Queen's people, not in a military capacity, but as representative of +an English journal; to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he +was in the habit of transmitting accounts of the movements of the +belligerents, and his own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving, +for the discharge of his duty, a couple of guineas a week from the +proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled, as I need +scarcely say, to make such a show in Oraa's camp as only a Christino +general officer, or at the very least a colonel of a regiment, can +afford to keep up. + +In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of +course among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a good +deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to +describe here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, which had been +made the head-quarters of several Queenite officers during the siege. +The pesatero or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave +chapel-churies, with his fine family of children--the officers quartered +in the podesta had of course bolted; but one man remained, and my +fellows were on the point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with +their borachios, when I arrived in the room time enough to prevent +the catastrophe. Seeing before me an individual in the costume of a +civilian--a white hat, a light blue satin cravat, embroidered with +butterflies and other quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and +a pair of blue plaid trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and +interposed to save his life. + +In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he could +to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of slaughtering +him; but it is very little likely that his protestations would have had +any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the +ruffians to hold their hand. + +Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that rank +in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six feet four +in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called, +because it is five feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish +armies--seeing, I say, this figure, the fellows retired, exclaiming, +"Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros," and so on, clearly proving (by their +words) that they would, if they dared, have immolated the victim whom +I had thus rescued from their fury. "Villains!" shouted I, hearing them +grumble, "away! quit the apartment!" Each man, sulkily sheathing his +sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla. + +It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I +have briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he had a +family in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and that +his most intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven and +earth to revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a portmanteau +passably well filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my +troops. I said, though with much regret, that I must subject his person +to a search; and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what +I fear you will consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon +Mr. Sheeny's person three sovereigns in English money (which I have to +this day), and singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine, +containing a portion of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should +let the poor young man be shot or no, but this little circumstance saved +his life. The gratified vanity of authorship induced me to accept his +portmanteau and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I +put the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and the podesta. + +The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full +time for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after committing +dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon the fort, +hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known +and respected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served for +some months on the Queen's side before I came over to Don Carlos); and, +as it is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect to receive it +when taken myself. On issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau +and my sword in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our +own men in a pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about +four hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while +on my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite +lancers were clattering along the road. + +I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this discovery, +so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz! came a bullet by +my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round--there +were seventy of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I +said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight seventy +men, you would write me down a fool or a liar: no, sir, I did not fight, +I ran away. + +I am six feet four--my figure is as well known in the Spanish army +as that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera +himself. "GAHAGAN!" shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices, and +fifty more shots came rattling after me. I was running--running as the +brave stag before the hounds--running as I have done a great number of +times before in my life, when there was no help for it but a race. + +After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained nearly +three upon our column in front, and that likewise the Christino horsemen +were left behind some hundred yards more; with the exception of three, +who were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a lance; he +had fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty yards in advance of his +comrades; there was a similar distance between the two lancers who +rode behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came +up delivered cut 3 at his horse's near leg--off it flew, and down, as I +expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through +my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that +fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the plan +which I hoped was to effect my rescue. + +I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and, +unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained--some shirts, a +bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c.,--I had carried +it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice it +malgre moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my right +hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, with aim so true, that he +fell back on his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse galloped up +to me, I had no difficulty in dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle +struck him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash +him from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment; +indeed, the two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the +time which it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the +rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's horse, I +had committed a very absurd oversight--I was scampering away WITHOUT MY +SWORD! What was I to do?--to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the +legs of my horse for safety! + +The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear his +horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey-fashion in my +saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in +vain. Closer--closer--the point of his lance was within two feet of my +back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my agony when I felt it +enter--through exactly fifty-nine pages of the New Monthly Magazine. +Had it not been for that Magazine, I should have been impaled without a +shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in feeling gratitude? Had I not cause to +continue my contributions to that periodical? + +When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying party, +I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of +the lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a +ball came whiz over my head from our fellows, and entering at his nose, +put a stop to HIS lancing for the future). I hastened to Cabrera's +quarter, and related to him some of my adventures during the day. + +"But, General," said he, "you are standing. I beg you chiudete l'uscio +(take a chair)." + +I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some +foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my sitting +at ease. I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and there, to my +wonder, DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like a fish-hook, or a +pastoral crook. + +"Ha! ha! ha!" said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag). + +"Valdepenas madrilenos," growled out Tristany. + +"By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman)," shrieked +out Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, "I will send it to the Bishop +of Leon for a crozier." + +"Gahagan has CONSECRATED it," giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so they +went on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But, when they heard +that the means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly +Christino had been the Magazine containing my own history, their laugh +was changed into wonder. I read them (speaking Spanish more fluently +than English) every word of my story. "But how is this?" said Cabrera. +"You surely have other adventures to relate?" + +"Excellent Sir," said I, "I have;" and that very evening, as we sat over +our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in nearly the +following words:-- + +"I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, as +everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. But +who gained the battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and +Laswaree, while Major Gaha--nonsense, never mind HIM, never mind the +charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in +the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes; +when, with one hand seizing the sacred peishcush, or fish--which was the +banner always borne before Scindiah,--he, with his good sword, cut off +the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony, +plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren, +tossing, like chaff before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He, +meanwhile, now plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now +cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on, +like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand, +a hundred and forty-thr--but never mind--'ALONE HE DID IT;' sufficient +be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he cares not for the +empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate men! + + * The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic + reader may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his + Commentary on the Flight of Darius), is so called by the + Mahrattas. + +"We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah Allum +received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on our General. +As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah did not fail to +remark my person,* and was told my name. + + * There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part. + Shah Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have + seen Gahagan? The thing is manifestly impossible. + +"Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so +delighted with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose trunk +I use to this day), that he said, 'Let him be called GUJPUTI,' or the +lord of elephants; and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards +familiarly known among the natives,--the men, that is. The women had a +softer appellation for me, and called me 'Mushook,' or charmer. + +"Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to the +reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from Delhi; nor +the terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice +it to say that we were victorious, and that I was wounded; as I have +invariably been in the two hundred and four occasions when I have found +myself in action. One point, however, became in the course of this +campaign QUITE evident--THAT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE FOR GAHAGAN. The +country cried shame, the King's troops grumbled, the sepoys openly +murmured that their Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed +such signal services. What was to be done? Lord Wellesley was in an +evident quandary. 'Gahagan,' wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently +not your fate--YOU WERE BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley +are good officers, they cannot be turned out--I must make a post for +you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?' + +"It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had +its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long be +remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns. + +***** + +"As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the uniform +of the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were not wanting as +soon as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my standard +a great deal faster than to the regular corps in the Company's service. +I had European officers, of course, to command them, and a few of my +countrymen as sergeants; the rest were all natives, whom I chose of +the strongest and bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, +Hurrumzadehs, and Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most +warlike districts of our Indian territory. + +"When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble +appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance, gave a +carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid costume that +ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six +feet four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and proportion. My +hair and beard are of the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely +to be distinguished at a distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue, +overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific +gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid, +and the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly +military appearance than can be conceived. When I have been drinking (as +is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have +another which took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of my +front teeth, I leave you to imagine that 'seldom lighted on the earth' +(as the monster Burke remarked of one of his unhappy victims), 'a more +extraordinary vision.' I improved these natural advantages; and, while +in cantonment during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to +grow very long, as did my beard, which reached to my waist. It took +me two hours daily to curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw +ringlets, which waved over my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well +round to the corners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers +and red morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color +round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated with a +tuft of the scarlet feathers of the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and +I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull +and crossbones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistols, a Malay +creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and very nearly six feet +in length, completed this elegant costume. My two flags were each +surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones, and ornamented, one with +a black, and the other with a red beard (of enormous length, taken from +men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course the arms of +John Company; on the other, an image of myself bestriding a prostrate +elephant, with the simple word, 'Gujputi' written underneath in the +Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and +looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied +the words which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in +Marlborough's time:-- + + "'To noble danger he conducts the way, + His great example all his troop obey, + Before the front the Major sternly rides, + With such an air as Mars to battle strides. + Propitious heaven must sure a hero save + Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!' + +"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger, +Pappendick, Stuffle, &c., &c.) were dressed exactly in the same way, +but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in black. I +have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the +Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view than any set of +ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would to heaven that the Czar of +Muscovy had passed through Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old +Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him! Bless you, bless you, my +swart companions in victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the +booming of your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye +rage in the thickest of the battle!* + + * I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to + pretend that my genius as a writer has not been equalled in + former times; but if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe, + or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful + sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is + all--I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO HIM.----G. O'G. G., + M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. + +"But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a figure +the Irregulars cut on a field-day--a line of five hundred black-faced, +black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men--Biggs, Glogger, and +the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of +lightning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, like +yon glorious orb in heaven. + +"There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's +sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when we +thought that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg +had completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he broke up his +camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard of him was, +that he was at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam--he was, in +fact, in the very heart of our territory. + +"The unfortunate part of the affair was this:--His Excellency, despising +the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about two thousand +miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest degree where to lay +hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew, +and for a considerable period the movements of Lake's cavalry were quite +ambiguous, uncertain, promiscuous, and undetermined. + +"Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804. At the +beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, cutting +off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under lip), and I +was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired +for my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur--it +is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have +there a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon +and the sticking-plaster. + +"Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the lower +Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is fortified +slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, meaning in +Hindoostanee 'the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced-Feringhees-near +the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram') occupied by Europeans. (It is +astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, and how +much can be conveyed in one or two of the commonest phrases.) + +"Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks with +Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner of health +at Futtyghur. + +"An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The cantonment at +Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy slave. +Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety! The fact is, +that when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army all +congregated to this place, where they were left, as it was supposed, in +safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of all. I +may at least mention SOME whose memory is still most dear to me. There +was-- + +"Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry. + +"Miss Bulcher. + +"Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in large +capitals.) + +"Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy. + +"Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan. + +"The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more too +numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, collected +there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were, +'Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge. Guard them with your +life, watch over them with your honor, defend them with the matchless +power of your indomitable arm.' + +"Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty air of +the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has often ere +this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of +a hill--the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at its base; and no +spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both by art +and nature, as a favorite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher, +Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies above mentioned, +had each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and +between one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as can +the hours of any man who is away from his darling occupation of war. + +"I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant pettah, +defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp, +and a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my flag was planted, and +the small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in +the case-mates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there were besides +three reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, who lived in the town,) +completed, as I may say, the garrison of our little fortalice, which I +was left to defend and to command. + +"On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had invited +Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, +and, indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in +honor of the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting +season, and indeed as a farewell visit, for it was my intention to take +dawk the very next morning and return to my regiment. The three amateur +missionaries whom I have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of +very rigid religious principles, refused to appear at my little party. +They had better never have been born than have done as they did: as you +shall hear. + +"We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of the +delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar +kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by +every lady and gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire +on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I +was occupied, as the French say, in conter-ing fleurettes to this +sweet young creature, when, all of a sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing +through the air, and a strong light was visible in the valley below the +little fort. + +"'What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda; 'this is too +gallant.' + +"'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, 'they are fireworks of which I +have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries--' + +"'Look, look!' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my +arm: 'what do I see? yes--no--yes! it is--OUR BUNGALOW IS IN FLAMES!' + +"It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General was +at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element--another and another +succeeded it--seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the name +of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black midnight air! + +"I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the +conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of black +forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could observe +columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their +ground in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which the +bungalows were built! + +"'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling Belinda +clung closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that encircled +her waist), 'down with the drawbridge! see that your masolgees' (small +tumbrels which are used in place of large artillery) 'be well loaded: +you, sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the +lights in the embrasures! we shall have warm work of it to-night, or my +name is not Goliah Gahagan.' + +"The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the sepoys, +choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the platform at +the sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the consternation, shrill +the screaming, occasioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and +mute with terror! the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither to fly for +refuge. 'Who are yonder ruffians?' said I. A hundred voices yelped in +reply--some said the Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it +was Scindiah, and others declared it was Holkar--no one knew. + +"'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to reconnoitre +yonder troops?' There was a dead pause. + +"'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder army!' +again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that Scindiah +and Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared +venture to face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Abmednuggarees!' +thought I. + +"'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I see it--you are cowards--none of you dare +encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect: know +you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the morrow's +dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men against our +walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no +hope; death for us--and worse than death for these lovely ones assembled +here?' Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have heard the +jackals on a summer's evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both +her arms round me, and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket +rather, for the little witch could reach no higher). + +"'Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, 'GO--GO--GOGGLE--IAH!' + +"'My soul's adored!' replied I. + +"'Swear to me one thing.' + +"'I swear.' + +"'That if--that if--the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a-attahs +take the fort, you will put me out of their power.' + +"I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that, +rather than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should perish +by my own hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-General +Bulcher, and her elder sister, who had not until now known a word of our +attachment, (indeed, but for these extraordinary circumstances, it is +probable that we ourselves should never have discovered it,) were +under these painful circumstances made aware of my beloved +Belinda's partiality for me. Having communicated thus her wish of +self-destruction, I thought her example a touching and excellent one, +and proposed to all the ladies that they should follow it, and that at +the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at a signal given by me, they +should one and all make away with themselves. Fancy my disgust when, +after making this proposition, not one of the ladies chose to accede +to it, and received it with the same chilling denial that my former +proposal to the garrison had met with. + +"In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it, +a trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the sentinels +came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate +with a flag of truce! + +"I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the party, +whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the point of my +sword a scroll, of which the following is a translation:-- + + +"'TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI. + +"'LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,--I have the honor to inform you that I arrived +before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under +my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in +Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the painful +necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs), and seven +English officers, whom I found in the village; the women have been +transferred to safe keeping in the harems of my officers and myself. + +"'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you +will surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general +(hookahbadar) in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your assent, +I beg leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on +taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison, and every +female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall reserve a +punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has, I flatter +myself, hardly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favor of a reply, I am, +Sir, + +"'Your very obedient servant, + +"'JESWUNT ROW HOLKAR. + +"'CAMP BEFORE FUTTYGHUR, Sept. 1, 1804. + +"'R. S. V. P.' + + +"The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing +how Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an enormous +Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape, round +which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock, +and whistling a national melody. I read the letter, and saw at once +there was no time to be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to +Holkar. Were he to attack us now before we were prepared, the fort would +be his in half an hour. + +"Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the gate +and advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the little +bridge across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the fashion of +the country, and, as he bent forward to return the compliment, I am +sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head, +which deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him within the +wall, raising the drawbridge after me. + +"I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I +stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes, +and, putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the +enemy." + +***** + +Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest of +the staff, were sound asleep! What I did in my reconnaisance, and how +I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of telling on +another occasion. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE INDIAN CAMP--THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT. + + +HEAD-QUARTERS, MORELLA, Oct. 3, 1838. + +It is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, and +the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my +casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The laugh and +song pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the +elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears +of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of Riego's +hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery of +Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible and most bomb-proof +tower of our little fortalice; the large casements are open--the wind, +as it enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the +orange grove and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant +cedar-tree) flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses +its scent and burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I +write--meet implements for a soldier's authorship!--it is CARTRIDGE +paper over which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of +gunpowder forms my rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me, +all--all is peace! I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, +England! and muse over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early +days! Let me resume my narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the +authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion. + +I left off, I think--(for I am a thousand miles away from proof-sheets +as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must contradict +myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)--I think, I say, +that I left off at that period of my story, when, Holkar being before +Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I had just been compelled +to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in the fallen Indian's +accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre the force, and, if possible, +to learn the intentions of the enemy. However much my figure might have +resembled that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might have +deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge, +it was evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn beard +would have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army. Seizing, +then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my hands, +and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made my hair +and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and chain hood covered +likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence, +and a complete command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from +Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous +ordeal. + +I had not the word of the night, it is true--but I trusted to good +fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing the +flag of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of hundred +yards, when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just +overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, and +no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from his own horse, and giving +the rein to a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger; a +second fellow likewise dismounted and followed the first; one held +the bridle of the horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams, +aleikums, and other genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and +kneeling, waited until I should mount. + +I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was a +great man--that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air, gathered +up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked saddle. +"Buk, buk," said I. "It is good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums, +let us ride on." And the whole party set off at a brisk trot, I keeping +silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was about to +encounter. + +As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual +silence (for I suppose, I--that is the Indian--was a talkative officer). +"The lips of the Bahawder are closed," said one. "Where are those birds +of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned between the +golden bars of his teeth!" + +"Kush," said his companion, "be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen the +dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword +reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion who can wear the +papooshes of the elephant-slayer--it is Bobbachy Bahawder!" + +"You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the +words of the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his +thoughts." + +"Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young birds, his actions, be strong +and swift in flight." + +"May they DIGEST IRON!" said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a wag in +his way. + +"O-ho!" thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. "It was, then, +the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and he is the +man destined to stand in my slippers, is he?" and I was at that very +moment standing in his own! Such are the chances and changes that fall +to the lot of the soldier! + +I suppose everybody--everybody who has been in India, at least--has +heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two +Hindustanee words--bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He had +entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, by his +merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity of the +peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen of the first class; +he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's innumerable daughters: a +match which, according to the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of +honor than of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the +field, it was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive, +completely subjugated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of +importance the late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had, +as it appears, (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash +in his attack upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate +Pitan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I +learned from the attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found out, +an old favorite with the Bobbachy--doubtless on account of his honesty +and love of repartee. + +"The Bahawder's lips are closed," said he, at last, trotting up to me; +"has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?" + +"Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I; which means, "My good +friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and fills +my bosom with the darkest forebodings." + +"You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your +dagger?" + +[Here was a pretty conspiracy!] "No, I saw him, but not alone; his +people were always with him." + +"Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree +(whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon every +man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a dozen men in +the garrison, and they have not provision for two days--they must yield; +and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I am told the soldiers +who first get in are to have their pick. How my old woman, Rotee Muckun, +will be surprised when I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,--ha! +ha!" + +"Fool!" said I, "be still!--twelve men in the garrison! there are twelve +hundred! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and as for food, +I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing in the court-yard +as I entered." This WAS a bouncer, I confess; but my object was to +deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possible of +the capabilities of defence which the besieged had. + +"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of a fortress: we +shall never be able to take it until our guns come up." + +There was hope then! they had no battering-train. Ere this arrived, +I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and march down to +rescue us. Thus occupied in thought and conversation, we rode on until +the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word, +and we passed on into the centre of Holkar's camp. + +It was a strange--a stirring sight! The camp-fires were lighted; and +round them--eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of the +dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some Dhol Baut (or Indian +improvisatore) were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and horses +were picketed under the banyan-trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was +growing, and offered them an excellent food. Towards the spot which the +golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the +tent of Holkar, led an immense avenue--of elephants! the finest street, +indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on +its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian +matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the +grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with +pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, which +grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We passed down this +extraordinary avenue--no less than three hundred and eighty-eight +tails did I count on each side--each tail appertaining to an elephant +twenty-five feet high--each elephant having a two-storied castle on its +back--each castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve +men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof--each +roof bearing a flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the +crescent glittering with a thousand gems, and round it the imperial +standard,--each standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the +well-known device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of +the first, a chevron, truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in +the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, when I come +to England, to show them to any gentleman who has a curiosity that way. +Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade passed, and at last we +arrived at the quarters occupied by Holkar. + +That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round +one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and which he +occupied during the siege. When I entered the large room where he sat, +I found him in the midst of a council of war; his chief generals and +viziers seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common +way with these black fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner, +supper, and bedtime. There was such a cloud raised by their smoke you +could hardly see a yard before you--another piece of good luck for +me--as it diminished the chances of my detection. When, with the +ordinary ceremonies, the kitmatgars and consomahs had explained to the +prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the universe +(as the ignorant heathens called me), had arrived from his mission, +Holkar immediately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on +which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking +off my slippers, falling on my knees, and beating my head against the +ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and +twenty feet through the room, and then up the twenty steps which led to +his maidaun--a silly, painful, and disgusting ceremony, which can only +be considered as a relic of barbarian darkness, which tears the knees +and shins to pieces, let alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who +goes to India, with the prospect of entering the service of the native +rajahs, to recollect my advice and have them WELL-WADDED. + +Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he +could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as I have +said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived within +speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of +my mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of +questions: "How many men are there in the fort?" said he; "how many +women? Is it victualled? Have they ammunition? Did you see Gahagan +Sahib, the commander? did you kill him?" + +All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of +tobacco. + +Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon +my honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could perceive +anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I +told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could with +regard to the fort. + +"Sir" said I, "to answer your last question first--that dreadful Gujputi +I have seen--and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in height; he +can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred at present in the +compound, and swears that during the siege he will content himself with +only three a week): he has lost in battle his left eye; and what is +the consequence? O Ram Gunge" (O thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning +and-with-beard-as-black-as-night), "Goliah Gujputi--NEVER SLEEPS!" + +"Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world)," said the Prince Vizier, +Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee--"it's joking you are;"--and there was a +universal buzz through the room at the announcement of this bouncer. + +"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu," said I, solemnly, +(an oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) "I swear that so it +is: so at least he told me, and I have good cause to know his power. +Gujputi is an enchanter: he is leagued with devils; he is invulnerable. +Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger--and every eye turned instantly +towards me--"thrice did I stab him with this steel--in the back, +once--twice right through the heart; but he only laughed me to scorn, +and bade me tell Holkar that the steel was not yet forged which was to +inflict an injury upon him." + +I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this +somewhat imprudent message. + +"Ah, lily-livered rogue!" shouted he out to me, "milk-blooded +unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy master +in thy presence! In the name of the prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee, +abhor thee, degrade thee! Take that, thou liar of the universe! and +that--and that--and that!" + +Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this old +man said, "Take that," he flung some article near him at the head of +the undaunted Gahagan--his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly +ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred +thousand crores of rupees--finally, his hookah, snake mouthpiece, +silver-bell, chillum and all--which went hissing over my head, and +flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand Vizier. + +"Yock muzzee! my nose is off;" said the old man, mildly. "Will you have +my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!" and no other word of complaint +escaped his lips. + +Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as the +ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar fiercely +but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or two of the +musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not +a single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the unlucky +wretches who had been the victims of this fit of rage had been removed, +Holkar's good humor somewhat returned, and he allowed me to continue my +account of the fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of +his burst of impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of +impoliteness to have done for such accidents happened many times in the +day. + +"It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled out the poor Grand +Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary means of +defence possessed by the garrison. "Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for +this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we +had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the edge of the +sword." + +"But you have no battering train," said I. + +"Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to +blow the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!" said Loll Mahommed, +a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and contradicted, +therefore, every word I said. "In the name of Juggernaut, why wait for +the heavy artillery? Have we not swords? Have we not hearts? Mashallah! +Let cravens stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed! +Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah?"* and drawing his scimitar, +he waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was +repeated by many of the other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was +carried into the camp, and caught up by the men; the camels began to +cry, the horses to prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up +a scream, the trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments. +I never heard such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little +garrison when I heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host! + + * The Major has put the most approved language into the + mouths of his Indian characters. Bismillah, Barikallah, and + so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of + Eastern conversation. + +There was but one way for it. "Sir," said I, addressing Holkar, "go out +to-night and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has not seen the +fort as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what? to fall +before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate, +and then another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan's garrison in +the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were I not in your august presence, +O star of the faithful, I would crop Loll Mahommed's nose from his face, +and wear his ears as an ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here +that knows not the difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and +Gahagan Khan Guj--I mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight +one, two, three, or twenty of them, at broad-sword, small-sword, +single-stick, with fists if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is +like mate and dthrink to Ga--to Bobbachy, I mane--whoop! come on, you +divvle, and I'll bate the skin off your ugly bones." + +This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am agitated, +I involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to my own +country; which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as +to my real character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it was, +Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll +Mahommed, however, evidently suspected something, for, as Holkar, with a +voice of thunder, shouted out, "Tomasha (silence)," Loll sprang forward +and gasped out-- + +"My lord! my lord I this is not Bob--" + +But he could say no more. "Gag the slave!" screamed out Holkar, stamping +with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the poor devil's +jaws. "Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred +dozen on the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry +him round the camp, with an inscription before him: 'This is the way +that Holkar rewards the talkative.'" + +I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo falling +on Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, and thanked +my stars that I was delivered of this danger. + +"Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, "I owe you +a reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince, O Saadut Alee +Beg Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut!" + +The good old man's eyes filled with tears. "I can bear thy severity, O +Prince," said he; "I cannot bear thy love. Was it not an honor that your +Highness did me just now when you condescended to pass over the bridge +of your slave's nose?" + +The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The Vizier +retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed. Holkar was in high good +humor. + +"Bobbachy," said he, "thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, I have news +for thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge," (white and red +rose,) has arrived in camp." + +"My WIFE, my lord!" said I, aghast. + +"Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; I see thou art wild +with joy. The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and I know thou +longest to join her." + +My wife? Here was a complication truly! + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE. + + +I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at +the gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the +neighborhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before that +time and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the present +instance such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced when +leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery. + +As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, some to +ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs, +attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the thousand delicacies of +Eastern life. I motioned them away. "I will wear my armor," said I; "I +shall go forth to-night; carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve +that to-night I have not the time to see her. Spread me a couch here, +and bring me supper here: a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb +stuffed with pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried +kid--anything. Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when +the meal is ready." + +I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and hoped to +be able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her +curious eyes. After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell +me that my supper was prepared in the inner apartment of the tent +(I suppose that the reader, if he be possessed of the commonest +intelligence, knows that the tents of the Indian grandees are made of +the finest Cashmere shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at least, with +carpets, chimneys, and sash-windows complete). I entered, I say, into an +inner chamber, and there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the +Oriental fashion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar, +which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow. + +I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most savory +stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle +of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung +open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon faces +and slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise. + +The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her +attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the complexion +of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress +and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow +chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which was further +ornamented by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted +bright red, and a large dab of the same color on her chin, showed she +was not of the Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith--and of a very high +caste; you could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously made +up as to my line of action. + +The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they heard +the well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death to them +to have remained and looked in her face. The females ranged themselves +round their mistress, as she squatted down opposite to me. + +"And is this," said she, "a welcome, O Khan! after six months' absence, +for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world? Is this lamb, +O glutton! half so tender as thy spouse? Is this wine, O sot! half so +sweet as her looks?" + +I saw the storm was brewing--her slaves, to whom she turned, kept up a +kind of chorus:-- + +"Oh, the faithless one!" cried they. "Oh, the rascal, the false one, who +has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the Khanum's!" + +"A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely: "but a lamb has a good +temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman--but a wine-cup +has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!" and again I dipped my nose in the +soul-refreshing jar. + +The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my repartees; +she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed +until I lost all patience. + +"Retire, friends," said I, "and leave me in peace." + +"Stir, on your peril!" cried the Khanum. + +So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my pistols, +cocked them, and said, "O houris! these pistols contain each two balls: +the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me--but for you!--by all +the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment longer +in my presence!" This was enough; the ladies gave a shriek, and skurried +out of the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing. + +Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather Bobbachy's wife, +sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which her lord had +displayed in her presence. I seized her hand and, gripping it close, +whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol:--"O Khanum, +listen and scream not; the moment you scream, you die!" She was +completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman could in her situation, +and said, "Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb." + +"Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which +had covered almost the whole of my face--"I AM NOT THY HUSBAND--I am the +slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!" + +As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my +shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I +formed one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and I +recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next "Book of Beauty." + +"Wretch!" said she, "what wouldst thou?" + +"You black-faced fiend," said I, "raise but your voice, and you are +dead!" + +"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that YOU can escape? The +torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will +invent for thee." + +"Tortures, madam?" answered I, coolly. "Fiddlesticks! You will neither +betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the contrary, you will +give me your best jewels and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don't +grind your teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam : you know this +dress and these arms;--they are the arms of your husband, Bobbachy +Bahawder--MY PRISONER. He now lies in yonder fort, and if I do not +return before daylight, at SUNRISE HE DIES: and then, when they send his +corpse back to Holkar, what will you, HIS WIDOW, do?" + +"Oh!" said she, shuddering, "spare me, spare me!" + +"I'll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of dying +along with him--of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death, from +which your father cannot save you, to which he will be the first man +to condemn and conduct you. Ha! I see we understand each other, and you +will give me over the cash-box and jewels." And so saying I threw myself +back with the calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her. +"Light me a pipe, my love," said I, "and then go and hand me over the +dollars; do you hear?" You see I had her in my power--up a tree, as +the Americans say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then +departed for the goods I spoke about. + +What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take that +ride round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost. + +My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards, had +occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned from her +quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables to the amount +of about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards, +but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about to take my +departure, when a tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard +at the entrance of the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by +that cursed Loll Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master +restored to good humor, and had communicated to him his firm conviction +that I was an impostor. + +"Ho, Begum," shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people could +not enter the women's apartments), "speak, O my daughter! is your +husband returned?" + +"Speak, madam," said I, "or REMEMBER THE ROASTING." + +"He is, papa," said the Begum. + +"Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!" (the old ruffian was laughing outside)--"are +you sure it is?--Ha! aha!--HE-E-E!" + +"Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to pass +no more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever seen the face +of any other man?" And hereat she began to weep as if her heart would +break--the deceitful minx! + +Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury. "Oh, you liar and eternal +thief!" said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could only hear) +to Loll Mahommed, "to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this! +Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade him +from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property: and hark ye, +furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED DOZEN MORE!" + +Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my soul. + +***** + +Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the +little fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a veil, +the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his +form, who carried in his hand a deal box of considerable size. The +warrior at the gate gave the word and was admitted, the woman returned +slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge; his was-- + +G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. + + +CHAPTER VI. + +FAMINE IN THE GARRISON. + + +Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my +precious box into my own apartment, which communicated with another, +where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should +recover, and to prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of +the guard. I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much confused +and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance. + +"Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look so pale, fellow?" (he +was as white as a sheet.) "It is thy master, dost thou not remember +him?" The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's clothes, but was +not present when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have +described. + +"O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!" cried the faithful fellow, "and do I +see my dear master disguised in this way? For heaven's sake let me rid +you of this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the +ball-room, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with +his roses turned into coal?" + +I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which +I write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little vain of +my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear before my dear +Belinda disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me +of the heathenish armor and habiliments which I wore; and having, with +a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their +black tinge, I put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait +on the ladies; hastened, I say,--although delayed would have been the +better word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours. + +"How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?" said I, before leaving my apartment. + +"He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and +myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command) +has just been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure." + +I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my +exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help informing him +of its contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post near the +prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the +fair creatures under my protection. "What good after all have I +done," thought I to myself, "in this expedition which I had so rashly +undertaken?" I had seen the renowned Holkar, I had been in the heart of +his camp; I knew the disposition of his troops, that there were eleven +thousand of them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a regular +attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say +ROBBED her, and I don't care what the reader or any other man may think +of the act) of a deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three +millions sterling, the property of herself and husband. + +Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money and +jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat +a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her +tea? Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would +digest anything--(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a +famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe, +as well as the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from +either,)--could I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of +rupees, or a dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of +Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its +weight in carats for a good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, +what art thou? What is gold?--Soft metal. What are diamonds?--Shining +tinsel. The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the sole +objects worthy of a soldier's consideration, are beefsteaks, gunpowder, +and cold iron. + +The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own +apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with +a candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery +(4 long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for +grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assaye), and muskets +for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the reader in a +previous number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon; add +to these my guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in +tights, powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely +for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege). Such were our +numbers:-- + + Ladies 74 + Troops and artillerymen 40 + Other non-combatants 11 + MAJOR-GEN. O'G. GAHAGAN 1000 + ---- + 1,125 + +I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the +army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an +ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths; +as combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort, +against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if-- + +IF!--ay, there was the rub--IF we had SHOT, as well as powder for our +guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT. Of the former commodity we had +only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honor, +to feed 126 souls, we had but + + Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. + Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer. + Of soda-water, four ditto. + Two bottles of fine Spanish olives. + Raspberry cream--the remainder of two dishes. + Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle. + Half a drum of best Turkey figs. + Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust + of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins. + Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles + of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple + of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil. + +This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after supper had +seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried off from the +table; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on +my return, taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and +treasure what little sustenance still remained in it. + +When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not +only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom, which was +of the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you never behold +such a sight as that which presented itself: eighty-three men and women +in ball-dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming +over their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged +rouge, blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins--each more +desperately melancholy and hideous than the other--each, except my +beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl, +could of course never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily, +could, as it may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and +beauteous arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and +therefore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder +had come off. Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes +as I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses +mantled in her cheek! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened +their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions, regarding my +adventures in the camp--SHE, as she saw me, gave a faint scream, (the +sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat of a woman!) +then started up--then made as if she would sit down--then moved +backwards--then tottered forwards--then tumbled into my--Psha! why +recall, why attempt to describe that delicious--that passionate greeting +of two young hearts? What was the surrounding crowd to US? What cared we +for the sneers of the men, the titters of the jealous women, the shrill +"Upon my word!" of the elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations +of Belinda's mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms. +"Goliah! my Goliah!" said she, "my brave, my beautiful, THOU art +returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh! who can tell the anguish +of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night!" Other similar +ejaculations of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD perilled life +in her service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there was none, so +exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in this +overwhelming joy! + +***** + +[The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very +most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been +compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole passage, though +highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the +reader.] + +***** + +As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were +giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round +with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can +sometimes put on, I shouted out, "Hark ye men and women--I am this +lady's truest knight--her husband I hope one day to be. I am +commander, too, in this fort--the enemy is without it; another word of +mockery--another glance of scorn--and, by heaven, I will hurl every man +and woman from the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar!" This +quieted them. I am a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked +disrespectfully from that moment. + +It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish. Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy +(whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who has +been in India) cried, "Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so +pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the +ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast." And Mrs. Van giggled +as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. "Oh! breakfast, +breakfast by all means," said the rest; "we really are dying for a warm +cup of tea." + +"Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies?" says I. + +"Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat Mrs. Van. + +"What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?" Of course they said it +was the very thing. + +"And do you like hot rowls or cowld--muffins or crumpets--fresh +butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant +divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys, +and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?" + +"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," answered they all. + +"But stop," says I. "O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, that +you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been +without--" + +"What?" said they, in a breath. + +"Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole +house." + +"Well, well, we can do without it." + +"Or a single pound of coffee." + +"Never mind; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning +to look alarmed.) + +"And about the kidneys--now I remember, the black divvles outside the +fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys +without them?" (Here there was a slight o--o--o!) + +"And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the +cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or +love: but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just +as good." + +"Oh! just as good." + +"Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had--no, +nor a fresh chicken," continued I, "nor a stale one either; nor a +tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste +in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!" + +"In the name of heaven!" said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, "what is +there, then?" + +"Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now," shouted I. +"There's + + "Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. + Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c. + +And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the +ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly. + +"Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, "give me the +ham-sandwiches--I must manage to breakfast off them." + +And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest +proposition! Of course I did not accede to it--why should I? I was the +commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very sandwiches +for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. "Ladies," said I, "there are +in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this is all the food +which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none--of drink there +is a tolerable quantity; and at one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine +and one olive shall be served out to each woman: the men will receive +two glasses, and an olive and a fig--and this must be your food during +the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and if he +be--why, still there is a chance--why do I say a chance?--a CERTAINTY of +escaping from the hands of these ruffians." + +"Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!" screeched the whole covey +at a breath. + +"It lies," answered I, "in the POWDER MAGAZINE. I will blow this fort, +and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of Holkar." + +The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in +Holkar's camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear Belinda +whispered in my ear, "Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my +heart's Goliah!" I felt I was right: I could have blown her up twenty +times for the luxury of that single moment! "And now, ladies," said I, +"I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer +professional consolation--the other gentlemen will follow me up stairs +to the ramparts, where I shall find plenty of work for them." + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE ESCAPE. + + +Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey, +and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded +to review my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in command of +Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may be +seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair of honor); and +the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing +to kill him, had been left in charge of that officer. Three of the +garrison (one of them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own +body-servant, Ghorumsaug above named,) were appointed to watch the +captive by turns, and never leave him out of their sight. The lieutenant +was instructed to look to them and to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy +was severely injured by the blow which I had given him, and was, +moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I +considered myself sure of his person. + +Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little +force, and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not +surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but +desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him, +and ordered him to appear immediately. + +The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered some +information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten to the +apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined. + +The men had fled;--Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my +astonishment when I found--with a rope cutting his naturally wide +mouth almost into his ears--with a dreadful sabre-cut across his +forehead--with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied between +his legs--my unhappy, my attached friend--Mortimer Macgillicuddy! + +He had been in this position for about three hours--it was the very +position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed--an +attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape +impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner. + +I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured half a +bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his mouth, and +when he had been released, he informed me of the circumstances that had +taken place. + +Fool that I was! idiot!--upon my return to the fort, to have been +anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple +of hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and +complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner--when his escape +would have been prevented. O foppery, foppery!--it was that cursed love +of personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty to my general, +my country, my monarch, and my own honor! + +Thus it was that the escape took place:--My own fellow of the +Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the operation to +my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and +removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken from the back of the +prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?--Why, he +carried back the dress to the Bobbachy--he put it, once more, on its +right owner; he and his infernal black companions (who had been won over +by the Bobbachy with promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy, +who was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to +the outer gate, and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself, +who had first come in, and was as likely to go out again,--(indeed my +rascally valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him +and his two companions to reconnoitre,)--opened the gates, and off they +went! + +This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!--and +for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE +ROUNDS;--he HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this +cruel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been +on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I had changed +the guard at the gate (whom they had won over likewise); and yet, +although they had overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for +the start, they had positively no means for effecting their escape, +until I was ass enough to put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice +besotted fool that I was, to think of my own silly person when I should +have been occupied solely with my public duty. + +From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from the +effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him, and from +my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. A sudden and +painful thought struck me--my precious box!--I rushed back, I found that +box--I have it still. Opening it, there, where I had left ingots, sacks +of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, strings of diamonds as big as +ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings +of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes--I +found--a piece of paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, +which are thus, word for word, translated: + + "EPIGRAM. + + "(On disappointing a certain Major.) + + "The conquering Lion return'd with his prey, + And safe in his cavern he set it, + The sly little fox stole the booty away; + And, as he escaped, to the lion did say, + 'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'" + +Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. I +stamped,--I swore,--I don't know to what insane lengths my rage might +have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming, +"The enemy, the enemy!" + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE CAPTIVE. + + +It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving my +sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I at once +frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that +flamingo-plume floating in the breeze--that awful figure standing in the +breach--that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky--well, I say, they +knew the name of the humble individual who owned the sword, the plume, +and the figure. The ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry behind. +The flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos, +and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a strange, +barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries, +were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the +orders of Holkar. + +You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does on +a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the Burrumpooter +river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide, +so that I had no fear about them attacking me in THAT quarter. My guns, +therefore (with their six-and-thirty miserable charges of shot) were +dragged round to the point at which I conceived Holkar would be most +likely to attack me. I was in a situation that I did not dare to fire, +except at such times as I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge +of a cannon; so the attacking party marched and marched, very strongly, +about a mile and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving +the slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four hundred +yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, +through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never would +have ventured so near). At that distance--it was about the spot where +the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise--the invading force stopped; +the elephants drew up in a line, at right angles with our wall (the +fools! they thought they should expose themselves too much by taking a +position parallel to it); the cavalry halted too, and--after the deuce's +own flourish of trumpets and banging of gongs, to be sure,--somebody, in +a flame-colored satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree +(that looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet), +got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a +speech. + +The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable +precision, about three hundred of them. The following little diagram +will explain matters:-- + + __G + | + .................... | + E | + | + | + | F + +E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in the +fort. NOW the reader will see what I did. + +The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro gracefully +before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun +G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself; +bang! it went, and what was the consequence? Why, this:-- + + X + ____________________ |__G + .................... | + E | + | + | + | F + +F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the elephants, as +we have previously seen them. What then is X? X IS THE LINE TAKEN BY THE +BALL FIRED FROM G, which took off ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR elephants' +trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that +stood the hundred and thirty-fifth. + +I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun +was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, and +contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal? An +ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his mark, and what +would have been the consequence? Why, that the ball might have killed +two elephants and wounded a third; but here, probably, it would have +stopped, and done no further mischief. The TRUNK was the place at which +to aim; there are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the +bullet, shearing, as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five +probosces. Heavens! what a howl there was when the shot took effect! +What a sudden stoppage of Holkar's speech! What a hideous snorting of +elephants! What a rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some +demon was pursuing them! + +Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, rushing +forward myself, I shouted to my men, "My friends, yonder lies your +dinner!" We flung open the gates--we tore down to the spot where the +elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that +escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their +trunks behind them. A great quantity of them we seized; and I myself, +cutting up with my scimitar a couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher +would a calf, motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort, +where barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of +the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had +promised to my female friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved +for the ladies was a young white one--the fattest and tenderest I +ever ate, in my life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has +an India-rubber flavor, which, until one is accustomed to it, is +unpalatable. + +It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence on +the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had forced their +way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the garrison +larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine, +which were locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a sentinel. +Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind +to eat HER. However, we made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued +steaks, and when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing that +there was enough for one meal more. + +The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force, +attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my good +sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and +the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy +sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when +another attack was made, what were we to do? We had still a little +powder left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron-bars, &c. in +the garrison! On this day, too, we devoured the last morsel of our food: +I shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I +saw her sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the little +white elephant's roasted tail. + +The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are never +at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I discovered charges +sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but +had bores of about blunderbuss size. + +This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader may +remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. The poor +wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and +came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindustan jargon. +Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who picked off every one of +our men who showed their noses above the ramparts: and a great host of +blackamoors with scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, +gabions, culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other +appurtenances of offensive war. + +On they came: my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask how my +pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were without food, +I knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the +two guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into each +swivel. + +They advanced,--whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,--bang! went the +other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first contact with an +opposing body, they certainly floored it but they became at once like so +much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they struck +down. + +"Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine +Imaums!)" shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the +failure of my shot. "Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has no +more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who +brings me Gahagan's head!" + +His men set up a shout, and rushed forward--he, to do him justice, was +at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and poking them +with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the hill: I was +black with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair. +"Macgillicuddy," said I, calling that faithful officer, "you know where +the barrels of powder are?" He did. "You know the use to make of them?" +He did. He grasped my hand. "Goliah," said he, "farewell! I swear that +the fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried +it. Oh, my poor mother!" added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet +fearless, he retired to his post. + +I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then, +stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels;--a shower of +matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them. + +I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, and +his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. Loll +was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I +fired--bang! ! ! + +I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives were +lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. The wretch, +uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back +dead; the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran--the whole +host ran as one man: their screams might be heard for leagues. "Tomasha, +tomasha," they cried, "it is enchantment!" Away they fled, and the +victory a third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back +to my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot +hunger in the thought of once more beholding HER! + +The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, and +almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which caused in her +bosom an emotion so strong--it was hunger! "Oh! my Goliah," whispered +she, "for three days I have not tasted food--I could not eat that horrid +elephant yesterday; but now--oh! heaven! . . . ." She could say no +more, but sank almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered to her a +trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a moment, and then rushed +down stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, she +should still have something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered +that three or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been +killed by us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought +I, has no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get +something better. + +I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part, +assembled. "Men," said I, "our larder is empty; we must fill it as we +did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a foraging +party?" I expected that, as on former occasions, every man would offer +to accompany me. + +To my astonishment, not a soul moved--a murmur arose among the troops; +and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward. + +"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants for +ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the fort when +the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now as then, +and we won't go elephant-hunting any more." + +"Ruffian!" I said, "he who first talks of surrender, dies!" and I cut +him down. "Is there any one else who wishes to speak?" + +No one stirred. + +"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what, you dare not move for +fear of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled before +your arms--what, do I say YOUR arms?--before MINE!--alone I did it; and +as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress! Ho! open +the gate!" + +I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the elephants +that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had fallen, about +four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very +steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the animals, choosing +a tolerably small and plump one, of about thirteen feet high, which the +vultures had respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and made +for the fort. + +As I marched up the acclivity, whiz--piff--whir! came the balls over +my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the body of the +elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and +quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse: they came nearer, +nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort--seventy--fifty! +I strained every nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion--I +ran--could a man run very fast with such a tremendous weight on his +shoulders? + +Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my +tail. O heaven! five yards more--one moment--and I am saved! It is +done--I strain the last strain--I make the last step--I fling forward my +precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and--I +fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE OUTSIDE! Fifty knives +are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes--fifty black hands are at my +throat, when a voice exclaims, "Stop!--kill him not, it is Gujputi!" A +film came over my eyes--exhausted nature would bear no more. + + +CHAPTER IX. + +SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR. + + +When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found myself in +a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor +(whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an +air of sagacity. + +"Where am I?" I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange +faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. "Bekhusm!" said the +apothecary. "Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of those who know +his valor, and will save his life." + +"Know my valor, slave? Of course you do," said I; "but the fort--the +garrison--the elephant--Belinda, my love--my darling--Macgillicuddy--the +scoundrelly mutineers--the deal bo-- . . . ." + +I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily upon +my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. I fainted +again, and I know not how long I lay insensible. + +Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied restoratives, +and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much refreshed. I had no +wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they +might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill +a quarter of a mile in length. Walking, the task is bad enough: but +running, it is the deuce; and I would recommend any of my readers who +may be disposed to try and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account, +to go a pace of more than five miles an hour. + +Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door +(plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single old +gentleman, richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I +had surely seen him before. No--yes--no--yes--it WAS he: the snowy white +beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, and level with the +rest of the venerable face, proclaimed him at once to be--Saadut Alee +Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime vizier; whose nose, as the reader +may recollect, his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my +interview with him in the Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too +well--I was in the hands of Holkar. + +Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a mild +air of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he was torn +to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference with +Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said, +"Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceitful, valor is +unavailing, fame is only wind--the nightingale sings of the rose all +night--where is the rose in the morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by +a frost. The rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is +that delightful song-bird? Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, +and roasted! Who knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan +Gujputi!" + +"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. "Gahagan +Gujputi will bear it like a man." + +"No doubt--like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so long +to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which there comes +not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry spring-time--grief is +often succeeded by joy." + +"Interpret, O riddler!" said I; "Gahagan Khan is no reader of +puzzles--no prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords." + +"Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power." + +"I know it." + +"You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning." + +"I dare say." + +"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your fingers, +and your eyes from your head." + +"Very possibly." + +"They will flay you alive, and then burn you." + +"Well; they can't do any more." + +"They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,"--it was not +then taken!--"and repeat upon them the same tortures." + +"Ha! Belinda! Speak--how can all this be avoided?" + +"Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda." + +"He does, Vizier, to distraction." + +"Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?" + +"A captain." + +"A miserable captain--oh shame! Of what creed is he?" + +"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic." + +"But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?" + +"Alas, no." + +"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?" + +"'Tis too true." + +"Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me to +thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife--your second wife, that +is;--the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves you to +madness;--with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have the wealth +and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to get rid. +You shall be second in command of his Highness's forces. Look, here +is his commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the +sacred names of the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce your +religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours." + +He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it was +beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years, but a +rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth, and washed +off every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and said, "This is a +tempting offer. O Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it?" + +After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to give +him an answer. My mind, however, was made up--as soon as he was gone, I +threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep. + +***** + +At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were with +him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I +did not recognize. It was about midnight. + +"Have you considered?" said the Vizier as he came to my couch. + +"I have," said I, sitting up,--I could not stand, for my legs were tied, +and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. "I have," said I, +"unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert a Christian gentleman +from his faith and honor? Ruffian blackamoors! do your worst; heap +tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear me to pieces: after +you have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it; +and if I did, if each torture could last a life, if each limb were +to feel the agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear +all--all--all--all--all--ALL!" My breast heaved--my form dilated--my eye +flashed as I spoke these words. "Tyrants!" said I, "dulce et decorum est +pro patria mori." Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent. + +The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down his +cheeks. + +"What a constancy," said he. "Oh, that such beauty and such bravery +should be doomed so soon to quit the earth!" + +His tall companion only sneered and said, "AND BELINDA--?" + +"Ha!" said I, "ruffian, be still!--heaven will protect her spotless +innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too! Who, with his +single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain +thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants? Three +hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of these I slew one hundred +and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates +thee, spurns thee, spits on thee!" + +Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of rage, +and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once (it was +the very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward, and +seizing his arm, cried-- + +"Papa! oh, save him!" It was Puttee Rooge! "Remember," continued she, +"his misfortunes--remember, oh, remember my--love!"--and here she +blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging down her +head, looked the very picture of modest affection. + +Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, "'Tis better as it +is; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. None of this +shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge," continued the tyrant, dragging her +away. "Captain Gahagan dies three hours from hence." Puttee Rooge +gave one scream and fainted--her father and the Vizier carried her off +between them; nor was I loth to part with her, for, with all her love, +she was as ugly as the deuce. + +They were gone--my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of life: +so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As it +may happen to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and to be +hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan +of going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found to be +successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal +of unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man the coming +catastrophe. + +***** + +Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance in +the heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to conduct +me to the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the +very white donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the camp +after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to +his rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all sides; my ass +was conducted by the common executioner: a crier went forward, shouting +out, "Make way for the destroyer of the faithful--he goes to bear the +punishment of his crimes." We came to the fatal plain: it was the very +spot whence I had borne away the elephant, and in full sight of the +fort. I looked towards it. Thank heaven! King George's banner waved on +it still--a crowd were gathered on the walls--the men, the dastards +who had deserted me--and women, too. Among the latter I thought I +distinguished ONE who--O gods! the thought turned me sick--I trembled +and looked pale for the first time. + +"He trembles! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously +exulting over his conquered enemy. + +"Dog!" shouted I--(I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail, and +so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)--"not so pale as you looked +when I felled you with this arm--not so pale as your women looked when +I entered your harem!" Completely chop-fallen, the Indian ruffian was +silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM. + +We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet thick +and eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake, about seven +feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two +fetters; in these my wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood +near, with strange-looking instruments: others were blowing at a fire, +over which was a caldron, and in the embers were stuck other prongs and +instruments of iron. + +The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in effect +as that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the Grand +Vizier. I confess I was too agitated to catch every word that was +spoken. + +Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The +Grand Vizier came up to me--it was his duty to stand by, and see the +punishment performed. "It is yet time!" said he. + +I nodded my head, but did not answer. + +The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a +voice choking with emotion, said, "EXECUTIONER--DO--YOUR--DUTY!" + +The horrid man advanced--he whispered sulkily in the ears of the Grand +Vizier, "Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree," said he, "the oil does not boil +yet--wait one minute." The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil was +heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside: taking a large ladle full of +the boiling liquid, he advanced-- + +***** + +"Whish! bang, bang! pop!" the executioner was dead at my feet, shot +through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face +of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. "Whish! +bang! pop! Hurrah!--charge!--forwards!--cut them down!--no quarter!" + +I saw--yes, no, yes, no, yes!--I saw regiment upon regiment of galloping +British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives. First of +the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On came the +gallant line of black steeds and horsemen, swift, swift before them rode +my officers in yellow--Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres +gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air. "D--- them!" they +cried, "give it them, boys!" A strength supernatural thrilled through my +veins at that delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I wrested the +post from its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not release +my hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam tightly, +I sprung forward--with one blow I levelled the five executioners in the +midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can; with the +next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off their legs; with +the third, I caught that chief himself in the small of the back, and +sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers! + +The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick leading +on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had swept far +away. We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes +afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found me +sitting on it. + +"Look at Gahagan," said his lordship. "Gentlemen, did I not tell you we +should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?" + +The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF +FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of November, +1804. + +***** + +About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in the +Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:--"Married, on the 25th of +December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady +Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Abmednuggar, to Belinda, +second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the +Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride; and after a splendid dejeune, +the happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus +must recollect, however, that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side. The +Irregulars are nothing without their leader." + +Such was the paragraph--such the event--the happiest in the existence of + +G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. + + + + +A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. + + +CHAPTER I. + +SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG. + + +It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that bathes +its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as now, by a few +rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers, and funguses, +and creeping ivy. No, no! where the ivy now clusters there grew strong +portcullis and bars of steel; where the wallflower now quivers in the +rampart there were silken banners embroidered with wonderful heraldry; +men-at-arms marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a +hideous black champignon; and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant +me there were ladies and knights to revel in the great halls, and +to feast, and to dance, and to make love there. They are passed +away:--those old knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to +silver, and then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their +elegant legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and +gouty, and then, from being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to +bare bone-shanks; the roses left their cheeks, and then their cheeks +disappeared, and left their skulls, and then their skulls powdered into +dust, and all sign of them was gone. And as it was with them, so shall +it be with us. Ho, seneschal! fill me a cup of liquor! put sugar in it, +good fellow--yea, and a little hot water; a very little, for my soul is +sad, as I think of those days and knights of old. + +They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?--gone?--nay, +not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of them as they +walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining faintly in their coats +of steel, wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long-tailed +gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them +still in the far-off Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions +as they hasten to battle or tourney--and the dim echoes of their lutes +chanting of love and fair ladies! Gracious privilege of poesy! It is as +the Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures +that to the sight of donkeys are invisible. Blessed treasures of fancy! +I would not change ye--no, not for many donkey-loads of gold. . . . Fill +again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me up the produce on the +hostel door--surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the wondrous +liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and princesses look blandly +down on us from the cloudy perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what +year the fairies left the Rhine?--long before Murray's "Guide-Book" +was wrote--long before squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came +paddling down the stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the +appearance of eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne +as a wonder? Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied +by their ladies'-maids. But of them we will say no more--let us back to +those who went before them. + +Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when +chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon the +banks of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, and hence +must be positively true. 'Tis a story of knights and ladies--of love +and battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes and noble lords, +moreover: the best of company. Gentles, an ye will, ye shall hear it. +Fair dames and damsels, may your loves be as happy as those of the +heroine of this romaunt. + +On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in the +year previously indicated, such travellers as might have chanced to +be abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer +journeying on the road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not +tall in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and Time, which +had browned and furrowed his cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray, +declared pretty clearly that He must have been acquainted with the +warrior for some fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a +powerful and active battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had +come that day was long and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his +armor and luggage, with seeming ease. As it was in a friend's country, +the knight did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet, +which hung at his saddlebow over his portmanteau. Both were marked with +the coronet of a count; and from the crown which surmounted the helmet, +rose the crest of his knightly race, an arm proper lifting a naked +sword. + +At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior's grasp, hung his +mangonel or mace--a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains of +many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest there +fell the triangular shield of the period, whereon were emblazoned his +arms--argent, a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second: the +latter device was awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, by the +Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the German Peerage of that day, +or a knowledge of high families which every gentleman then possessed, +would have sufficed to show at once that the rider we have described was +of the noble house of Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir +Ludwig of Hombourg: his rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor +of Austria, was marked by the cap of maintenance with the peacock's +feather which he wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely +blood was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a very +meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, as it is known, +in the middle ages, none but princes were justified in using. A bag, +fastened with a brazen padlock, and made of the costly produce of +the Persian looms (then extremely rare in Europe), told that he had +travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, was evident from the inscription +writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the bag. It first ran "Count +Ludwig de Hombourg, Jerusalem;" but the name of the Holy City had been +dashed out with the pen, and that of "Godesberg" substituted. So far +indeed had the cavalier travelled!--and it is needless to state that the +bag in question contained such remaining articles of the toilet as the +high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place in his valise. + +"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!" said the good knight, shivering, +"'tis colder here than at Damascus! Marry, I am so hungry I could eat +one of Saladin's camels. Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner?" +And taking out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his +embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by finding that it +was but seven of the night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the +warder had sounded the second gong. + +His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which could +trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to this famous +castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome signal which +told that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, +were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight o'clock. Crowds +of pages and horse-keepers were in the court, when, the portcullis being +raised, and amidst the respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most +ancient friend of the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard. +The under-butler stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. "Welcome, Sir +Count, from the Holy Land!" exclaimed the faithful old man. "Welcome, +Sir Count, from the Holy Land!" cried the rest of the servants in the +hall. A stable was speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst, +and it was not before the gallant soldier had seen that true animal well +cared for, that he entered the castle itself, and was conducted to his +chamber. Wax-candles burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china +vases, every variety of soap, and a flask of the precious essence +manufactured at the neighboring city of Cologne, were displayed on his +toilet-table; a cheering fire "crackled on the hearth," and showed +that the good knight's coming had been looked and cared for. The +serving-maidens, bringing him hot water for his ablutions, smiling +asked, "Would he have his couch warmed at eve?" One might have been sure +from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an arch reply. The +family tonsor came to know whether the noble Count had need of his +skill. "By Saint Bugo," said the knight, as seated in an easy settle +by the fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and +lightly passed the tongs and pomatum through "the sable silver" of his +hair,--"By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand Cairo. +How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady countess, his mother; +and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother-in-arms?" + +"They are well," said the tonsor, with a sigh. + +"By Saint Bugo, I'm glad on't; but why that sigh?" + +"Things are not as they have been with my good lord," answered the +hairdresser, "ever since Count Gottfried's arrival." + +"He here!" roared Sir Ludwig. "Good never came where Gottfried was!" +and the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed admirably the +proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the +spotless vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa, which was +the fitting costume for "knight in ladye's bower," the knight entered +into a conversation with the barber, who explained to him, with the +usual garrulousness of his tribe, what was the present position of the +noble family of Godesberg. + +This will be narrated in the next chapter. + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE GODESBERGERS. + + +'Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg +found in the bosom of his friend's family a cordial welcome. The +brother-in-arms of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the +Margravine, the exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and (albeit no +theologian, and although the first princes of Christendom coveted such +an honor,) he was selected to stand as sponsor for the Margrave's son +Otto, the only child of his house. + +It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been united: +and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more than one +child, it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and that surely +never lighted on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Ludwig, +hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved godchild, he had +left him a boy; he now found him, as the latter rushed into his arms, +grown to be one of the finest young men in Germany: tall and excessively +graceful in proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his +cheek, that was likewise adorned with the first down of manhood, and +with magnificent golden ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling +over his brow and his shoulders. His eyes alternately beamed with the +fire of daring, or melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well +might a mother be proud of such a boy. Well might the brave Ludwig +exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his breast, "By St. Bugo of +Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion's +grenadiers!" and it was the fact: the "Childe" of Godesberg measured six +feet three. + +He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple attire +of the nobleman of the period--and his costume a good deal resembled +that of the old knight whose toilet we have just described; with the +difference of color, however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of +Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of carved and +embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leggings, were of the stuff of +Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard argosies at an immense price from +China. The neighboring country of Holland had supplied his wrists and +bosom with the most costly laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat +placed on one side of his head, ornamented with a single flower, +(that brilliant one, the tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather's +dressing-room, and warned him that the banquet was ready. + +It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady +Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation; for +she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid fish now +smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for herself, but for her +lord's sake. "Godesberg," whispered she to Count Ludwig, as trembling +on his arm they descended from the drawing-room, "Godesberg is sadly +changed of late." + +"By St. Bugo!" said the burly knight, starting, "these are the very +words the barber spake." + +The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen. For +some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much occupied in +ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves' head of which the +delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay, +marry, and in eating them, too,) to look at his brother-in-arms at the +bottom of the table, where he sat with his son on his left hand, and the +Baron Gottfried on his right. + +The Margrave was INDEED changed. "By St. Bugo," whispered Ludwig to the +Countess, "your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been wounded o' +the head." Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The +soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig remarked that the +Margrave sent all away untasted. + +"The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg," said the Margrave +gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to drink! how +different was this from the old times! + +But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to hand +round the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party, and to +fill young Otto's goblet, (which the latter held up with the eagerness +of youth,) the Margrave's rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son; he +dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest: and giving him three or four +heavy blows which would have knocked down a bonassus, but only caused +the young Childe to blush: "YOU take wine!" roared out the Margrave; +"YOU dare to help yourself! Who time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help +yourself?" and the terrible blows were reiterated over the delicate ears +of the boy. + +"Ludwig! Ludwig!" shrieked the Margravine. + +"Hold your prate, madam," roared the Prince. "By St. Buffo, mayn't a +father beat his own child?" + +"HIS OWN CHILD!" repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a shriek of +indescribable agony. "Ah, what did I say?" + +Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the Margrave's +right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much agitated by the +recent conflict to wear any expression but that of extreme discomfiture; +but the poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red almost as +the lobster which flanked the turbot before her. + +In those rude old times, 'tis known such table quarrels were by no +means unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen +the Margrave cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or empty a +sauce-boat in the direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one +of the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend, and wisely +determined to change the converse. + +"How is my friend," said he, "the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?" + +"By Saint Buffo, this is too much!" screamed the Margrave, and actually +rushed from time room. + +"By Saint Bugo," said his friend, "gallant knights, gentle sirs, what +ails my good Lord Margave?" + +"Perhaps his nose bleeds," said Gottfried, with a sneer. + +"Ah, my kind friend," said the Margravine with uncontrollable emotion, +"I fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into the fire." And +making the signal of departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to +coffee in the drawing-room. + +The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected than he +had been. "Otto," he said sternly, "go join the ladies: it becomes not a +young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights after dinner." +The noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room, and the +Margrave, taking his lady's place at the head of the table, whispered +to Sir Ludwig, "Hildebrandt will be here to-night to an evening-party, +given in honor of your return from Palestine. My good friend--my true +friend--my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see that +the fiddlers be not drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready." Sir +Gottfried, obsequiously taking his patron's hint, bowed and left the +room. + +"You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig," said the Margrave, with a +heart-rending look. "You marked Gottfried, who left the room anon?" + +"I did." + +"You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee, Ludwig, +that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend. Why should +he not be! He is my near relation, heir to my property: should I" (here +the Margrave's countenance assumed its former expression of excruciating +agony),--"SHOULD I HAVE NO SON." + +"But I never saw the boy in better health," replied Sir Ludwig. + +"Nevertheless,--ha! ha!--it may chance that I shall soon have no son." + +The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir +Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather +deeply. He proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern +soldier of those days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the +punch-bowl: and many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria +with lion-hearted Richard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of Bouillon; nay, +with the dauntless Saladin himself. + +"You knew Gottfried in Palestine?" asked the Margrave. + +"I did." + +"Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with the +warm grasp of friendship? It is not because Sir Gottfried is poor? You +know well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my early friend!" + +"I care not for his race nor for his poverty," replied the blunt +crusader. "What says the Minnesinger? 'Marry, that the rank is but the +stamp of the guinea; the man is the gold.' And I tell thee, Karl of +Godesberg, that yonder Gottfried is base metal." + +"By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig." + +"By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow was known i' the camp +of the crusaders--disreputably known. Ere he joined us in Palestine, he +had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He +is a cogger of dice, I tell thee--a chanter of horseflesh. He won +five thousand marks from bluff Richard of England the night before the +storming of Ascalon, and I caught him with false trumps in his pocket. +He warranted a bay mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had +fired her." + +"Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?" cried Sir Karl, knitting his +brows. "Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other +but Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to +chine." + +"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir +Gottfried's body--not on thine, old brother-in-arms. And to do the knave +justice, he is a good lance. Holy Bugo! but he did good service at Acre! +But his character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was dismissed +the army; nor even allowed to sell his captain's commission." + +"I have heard of it," said the Margrave; "Gottfried hath told me of it. +'Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup--a mere silly jape, +believe me. Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board. +Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black bottle at the +county's head. Hence his dismission and abrupt return. But you know +not," continued the Margrave, with a heavy sigh, "of what use that +worthy Gottfried has been to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me." + +"Not YET," answered Hombourg, satirically. + +"By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable traitor!--a +nest of traitors. Hildebranndt is a traitor--Otto is a traitor--and +Theodora (O heaven!) she--she is ANOTHER." The old Prince burst into +tears at the word, and was almost choked with emotion. + +"What means this passion, dear friend?" cried Sir Ludwig, seriously +alarmed. + +"Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark Hildebrandt +and OTTO together. Like, like I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints, +that I should be born to suffer this!--to have all my affections +wrenched out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age! But, hark! +the guests are arriving. An ye will not empty another flask of claret, +let us join the ladyes i' the withdrawing chamber. When there, mark +HILDEBRANDT AND OTTO!" + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE FESTIVAL. + + +The festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, or in their +caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in the +grand saloon of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to receive +them. Servitors, in rich liveries, (they were attired in doublets of the +sky-blue broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit--the +colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore about various refreshments +on trays of silver--cakes, baked in the oven, and swimming in melted +butter; manchets of bread, smeared with the same delicious condiment, +and carved so thin that you might have expected them to take wing and +fly to the ceiling; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his +excursion into Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce, +circulated amidst the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the +guests. The Margrave's gloom was unheeded by them--how little indeed is +the smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts +of those who bid them to the feast! The Margravine was pale; but woman +knows how to deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous to her +friends, and laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and talked, though +the talk was loathsome to her. + +"The two are together," said the Margrave, clutching his friend's +shoulder. "NOW LOOK!" + +Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were Sir +Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance. Two eggs +were not more like! The reason of the Margrave's horrid suspicion at +once flashed across his friend's mind. + +"'Tis clear as the staff of a pike," said the poor Margrave, mournfully. +"Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a game at cribbage!" +and retiring to the Margravine's boudoir, the two warriors sat down to +the game. + +But though 'tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won, yet he +could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was his mind by +the dreadful secret which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play, +the obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his patron's ear, +which threw the latter into such a fury, that apoplexy was apprehended +by the two lookers-on. But the Margrave mastered his emotion. "AT WHAT +TIME, did you say?" said he to Gottfried. + +"At daybreak, at the outer gate." + +"I will be there." + +"AND SO WILL I TOO," thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of Hombourg. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE FLIGHT. + + +How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future, and +think he can bend stern fate to his will! Alas, we are but creatures in +its hands! How many a slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup! How +often, though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon, do we +find ourselves dashed to earth; and then we are fain to say the grapes +are sour, because we cannot attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in +consequence of our own fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE +OUTER GATE at daybreak. + +He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night's potations had been +heavy, the day's journey had been long and rough. The knight slept as a +soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity, and who wakes not till +he hears the blast of the reveille. + +He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Margrave. He had been +there for hours watching his slumbering comrade. Watching?--no, not +watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably +bitter--over feelings inexpressibly wretched. + +"What's o'clock?" was the first natural exclamation of the Hombourger. + +"I believe it is five o'clock," said his friend. It was ten. It might +have been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six, the +Margrave would still have said, "I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK." The +wretched take no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions, indeed, +for THEM. + +"Is breakfast over?" inquired the crusader. + +"Ask the butler," said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly, rolling +his eyes wildly, smiling wildly. + +"Gracious Bugo!" said the Knight of Hombourg, "what has ailed thee, my +friend? It is ten o'clock by my horologe. Your regular hour is nine. +You are not--no, by heavens! you are not shaved! You wear the tights and +silken hose of last evening's banquet. Your collar is all rumpled--'tis +that of yesterday. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED! What has chanced, brother +of mine: what has chanced?" + +"A common chance, Louis of Hombourg," said the Margrave: "one that +chances every day. A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart. THIS +has chanced. I have not been to bed." + +"What mean ye?" cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. "A false friend? I +am not a false friend. A false woman? Surely the lovely Theodora, your +wife--" + +"I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son." + +***** + +In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had occurred. +Gottfried's information was but too correct. There was a CAUSE for the +likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt +and Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen +them. They walked long together; they embraced. Ah! how the husband's, +the father's, feelings were harrowed at that embrace! They parted; and +then the Margrave, coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she +was to retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should +be sent too, to take the vows at a monastery. + +Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and guarded by a +company of his father's men-at-arms, was on the river going towards +Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under +the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to +the convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have seen--the +beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the bright waters of the Rhine! + +"What road did Gottfried take?" asked the Knight of Hombourg, grinding +his teeth. + +"You cannot overtake him," said the Margrave. "My good Gottfried, he is +my only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir. He will be +back anon." + +"Will he so?" thought Sir Ludwig. "I will ask him a few questions ere he +return." And springing from his couch, he began forthwith to put on +his usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a hasty ablution, +donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He rang +the bell violently. + +"A cup of coffee, straight," said he, to the servitor who answered the +summons; "bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper, and the +groom saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride." + +The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought; the refreshments +disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing steed were heard in +the court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice of his friend, and sat, +plunged in silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside. + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE TRAITOR'S DOOM. + + +The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts from +the hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green plain below. +Who has not seen that lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not +loved it? A thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around +in peaceful luxuriance; the mighty Rhine floats by it in silver +magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise the seven mountains robed in +majestic purple, the monarchs of the royal scene. + +A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has +mentioned that "peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that offer +cake and wine," are perpetually crowding round the traveller in this +delicious district, and proffering to him their rustic presents. This +was no doubt the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his +elegant poems--in the happy ancient days! when maidens were as yet +generous, and men kindly! Now the degenerate peasantry of the district +are much more inclined to ask than to give, and their blue eyes seem to +have disappeared with their generosity. + +But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story occurred, +'tis probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was greeted +upon his path by this fascinating peasantry; though we know not how +he accepted their welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green +country until he came to Rolandseck, whence he could command the Island +of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine opposite that place), and all who +went to it or passed from it. + +Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging above +the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous cactuses +and silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day may perceive a +rude broken image of a saint: that image represented the venerable Saint +Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and Sir Ludwig, kneeling on +the greensward, and reciting a censer, an ave, and a couple of acolytes +before it, felt encouraged to think that the deed he meditated was about +to be performed under the very eyes of his friend's sanctified patron. +His devotion done (and the knight of those days was as pious as he +was brave), Sir Ludwig, the gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud +voice:-- + +"Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?" + +"Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?" exclaimed +a voice from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of +geranium and magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient, and +majestic head--'twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo's solitary. A +silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an appearance of great +respectability; his body was robed in simple brown serge, and girt with +a knotted cord: his ancient feet were only defended from the prickles +and stones by the rudest sandals, and his bald and polished head was +bare. + +"Holy hermit," said the knight, in a grave voice, "make ready thy +ministry, for there is some one about to die." + +"Where, son?" + +"Here, father." + +"Is he here, now?" + +"Perhaps," said the stout warrior, crossing himself; "but not so if +right prevail." At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat putting +off from Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by +the sinople reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was +Sir Gottfried of Godesberg. + +"Be ready, father," said the good knight, pointing towards the advancing +boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the reverend hermit, +without a further word, he vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for +a few score of paces; when he wheeled round, and remained steady. His +great lance and pennon rose in the air. His armor glistened in the +sun; the chest and head of his battle-horse were similarly covered with +steel. As Sir Gottfried, likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had +been left at the ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started +at the figure before him--a glistening tower of steel. + +"Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?" said Sir Gottfried, +haughtily, "or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your +lady-love?" + +"I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against all comers. I +hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a traitor." + +"As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass," said Gottfried. + +"The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. Liar and traitor! +art thou coward, too?" + +"Holy Saint Buffo! 'tis a fight!" exclaimed the old hermit (who, too, +had been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war-horse that +hears the trumpet's sound, and spite of his clerical profession, he +prepared to look on at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and +sat down on the overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and +affecting unconcern, but in reality most deeply interested in the event +which was about to ensue. + +As soon as the word "coward" had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his +opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here, had +wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the rest. + +"Ha! Beauseant!" cried he. "Allah humdillah!" 'Twas the battle-cry in +Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers. "Look to thyself, +Sir Knight, and for mercy from heaven! I will give thee none." + +"A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!" exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that, too, +was the well-known war-cry of his princely race. + +"I will give the signal," said the old hermit, waving his pipe. +"Knights, are you ready? One, two, three. LOS!" (let go.) + +At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds; +the two knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel, rapidly +converged; the two lances met upon the two shields of either, and +shivered, splintered, shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which +whirled through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the +trees, or in the river. The two horses fell back trembling on their +haunches, where they remained for half a minute or so. + +"Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!" said the old hermit. "Marry, but a +splinter wellnigh took off my nose!" The honest hermit waved his pipe +in delight, not perceiving that one of the splinters had carried off the +head of it, and rendered his favorite amusement impossible. "Ha! they +are to it again! O my! how they go to with their great swords! Well +stricken, gray! Well parried, piebald! Ha, that was a slicer! Go it, +piebald! go it, gray!--go it, gray! go it, pie--Peccavi! peccavi!" said +the old man, here suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on his +knees. "I forgot I was a man of peace." And the next moment, muttering +a hasty matin, he sprung down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of +the combatants. + +The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his strength +and skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the Hombourger, with +RIGHT on his side. He was bleeding at every point of his armor: he had +been run through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, delivered +with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown of his helmet of +Damascus steel, and passing through the cerebellum and sensorium, had +split his nose almost in twain. + +His mouth foaming--his face almost green--his eyes full of blood--his +brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth knocked +out,--the discomfited warrior presented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling +under the effects of the last tremendous blow which the Knight of +Hombourg dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his +piebald charger; the frightened animal whisked his tail wildly with a +shriek and a snort, plunged out his hind legs, trampling for one moment +upon the feet of the prostrate Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek +with agony, and then galloped away riderless. + +Away! ay, away!--away amid the green vineyards and golden cornfields; +away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the eagles in their +eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the flashing cataracts +tumble; away through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves are +howling away over the dreary wolds, where the wild wind walks alone; +away through the plashing quagmires, where the will-o'-the-wisp slunk +frightened among the reeds; away through light and darkness, storm +and sunshine; away by tower and town, high-road and hamlet. Once a +turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike, +and cleared it at a bound. Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way: +he charged the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the +roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on! Brave +horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby! On went the horse, over +mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped until he +reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to +put him up. + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE CONFESSION. + + +But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual. Having +examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the old hermit +(a skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the vanquished one and said, +"Sir Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are in an +exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not probably survive." + +"Say you so, Sir Priest? then 'tis time I make my confession. Hearken +you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be." + +Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his horse up +to a tree), lifted his visor and said, "Gottfried of Godesberg! I am the +friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined; +I am the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou +hast belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou +wouldst have appropriated. Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and +overcame thee, and have wellnigh finished thee. Speak on." + +"I have done all this," said the dying man, "and here, in my last hour, +repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the youthful Otto +the true son of his father--Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his +UNCLE." + +"Gracious Buffo!" "Celestial Bugo!" here said the hermit and the Knight +of Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands. + +"Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon. Hence +he could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady +Theodora's spotless purity (though the young people had been brought up +together) could never be brought to own the relationship." + +"May I repeat your confession?" asked the hermit. + +"With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the +Margrave, and pray him give me pardon. Were there--a notary-public +present," slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing +over his eyes, "I would ask--you--two--gentlemen to witness it. I would +gladly--sign the deposition--that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr-ite!" A +faint shuddering smile--a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle--the blood gushed +from his mouth in black volumes . . . . + +"He will never sin more," said the hermit, solemnly. + +"May heaven assoilzie him!" said Sir Ludwig. "Hermit, he was a gallant +knight. He died with harness on his back and with truth on his lips: +Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . ." + +An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of Godesberg +were rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot into the +court-yard of the castle, with a companion on the crupper of his saddle. +'Twas the venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater +celerity, had adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose appearance +and little dumpy legs might well create hilarity among the "pampered +menials" who are always found lounging about the houses of the great. +He skipped off the saddle with considerable lightness however; and Sir +Ludwig, taking the reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering +servitors into awe, bade one of them lead him to the presence of his +Highness the Margrave. + +"What has chanced?" said the inquisitive servitor. "The riderless +horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon. The +Margrave's Grace has never quitted your lordship's chamber, and sits as +one distraught." + +"Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!" And so saying, the Knight and +his Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where, according to +the servitor's description, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone. + +Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man's hands, the hermit +seized the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with a +prolixity which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the events +which we have already described. Let the dear reader fancy, while his +Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave gradually lighting up +with attention; the flush of joy which mantles in his countenance--the +start--the throb--the almost delirious outburst of hysteric exultation +with which, when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the two +messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost +choked the aged recluse! "Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine--say +I have wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back--that +I forgive her--that I apologize if you will"--and a secretary forthwith +despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a fleet +messenger. + +"Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him send +me back my boy, my darling, my Otto--my Otto of roses!" said the fond +father, making the first play upon words he had ever attempted in his +life. But what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling +at the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messenger was +despatched on another horse. + +"And now," said Sir Ludwig, playfully, "let us to lunch. Holy hermit, +are you for a snack?" + +The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the three +gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which the remains +of the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said, ample means. + +"They will be home by dinner-time," said the exulting father. "Ludwig! +reverend hermit! we will carry on till then." And the cup passed gayly +round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the three happy friends +sat confidentially awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son. + +But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former chapter, +that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is often many a +spill? that our hopes are high, and often, too often, vain? About three +hours after the departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with +an exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the Margrave a +billet to the following effect:-- + + +"CONVENT OF NONNENWERTH, Friday Afternoon. + +"SIR--I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed +to bear it no more. I will no longer be made the butt of your ribald +satire, and the object of your coarse abuse. Last week you threatened me +with your cane! On Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which +hit the butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This morning, +in the presence of all the servants, you called me by the most vile, +abominable name, which heaven forbid I should repeat! You dismissed me +from your house under a false accusation. You sent me to this odious +convent to be immured for life. Be it so! I will not come back, because, +forsooth; you relent. Anything is better than a residence with a wicked, +coarse, violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself. I remain +here for ever and blush to be obliged to sign myself + +"THEODORA VON GODESBERG. + +"P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels, and +wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your house in +order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear +out. T. V. G." + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE SENTENCE. + + +This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at all +times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages, struck dismay +into the heart of the Margrave. + +"Are her ladyship's insinuations correct?" asked the hermit, in a +severe tone. "To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say a +justifiable practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both to the +liquor and to her." + +"But she sent a carving-knife at me first," said the heartbroken +husband. "O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen to thy +green and yellow tongue?" + +"They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely," whispered Sir +Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture upon +family discord and marital authority, which would have sent his two +hearers to sleep, but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the +Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son. This herald wore a still +longer face than that of his comrade who preceded him. + +"Where is my darling?" roared the agonized parent. "Have ye brought him +with ye?" + +"N--no," said the man, hesitating. + +"I will flog the knave soundly when he comes," cried the father, vainly +endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his inward +emotion and tenderness. + +"Please, your Highness," said the messenger, making a desperate effort, +"Count Otto is not at the convent." + +"Know ye, knave, where he is?" + +The swain solemnly said, "I do. He is THERE." He pointed as he spake +to the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted up by the +magnificent hues of sunset. + +"THERE! How mean ye THERE?" gasped the Margrave, wrought to a pitch of +nervous fury. + +"Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct him to +the convent, he--he jumped suddenly from it, and is dr--dr--owned." + +"Carry that knave out and hang him!" said the Margrave, with a calmness +more dreadful than any outburst of rage. "Let every man of the boat's +crew be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the tower--except the +coxswain, and let him be--" + +What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that moment, +and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down lifeless on the +floor. + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG. + + +It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers we +dare venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found) that the +cause of the Margrave's fainting-fit, described in the last chapter, +was a groundless apprehension on the part of that too solicitous and +credulous nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No, young +Otto was NOT drowned. Was ever hero of romantic story done to death so +early in the tale? Young Otto was NOT drowned. Had such been the case, +the Lord Margrave would infallibly have died at the close of the last +chapter; and a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted +how the lovely Lady Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir +Ludwig determined, upon the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon +the shock of hearing the news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and +assume the robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late venerable and +solitary ecclesiastic. Otto was NOT drowned, and all those personages of +our history are consequently alive and well. + +The boat containing the amazed young Count--for he knew not the cause of +his father's anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust sentence which +the Margrave had uttered--had not rowed many miles, when the gallant boy +rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and determined +not to be a slave in any convent of any order: determined to make a +desperate effort for escape. At a moment when the men were pulling hard +against the tide, and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to +steer the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands which are +frequently met with in the majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave +a sudden spring from the boat, and with one single flounce was in the +boiling, frothing, swirling eddy of the stream. + +Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young lord! +All loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but as they +did not know how to swim, of course they declined to make any useless +plunges in search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder and +grief. ONCE, his fair head and golden ringlets were seen to arise from +the water; TWICE, puffing and panting, it appeared for an instant again; +THRICE, it rose but for one single moment: it was the last chance, and +it sunk, sunk, sunk. Knowing the reception they would meet with from +their liege lord, the men naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but +putting in at the first creek on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke +of Nassau's territory; where, as they have little to do with our tale, +we will leave them. + +But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto. He had +disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED. He calculated +that his conductors would consider him drowned, and the desire +of liberty lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in this +instance,) the gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his +head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne--the distance +being twenty-five or thirty miles. + +Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the river, +repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he had had +an accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the moisture of his +habiliments, and while these were drying before a fire in his chamber, +went snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the strange +events of the day. "This morning," thought he, "a noble, and heir to +a princely estate--this evening an outcast, with but a few bank-notes +which my mamma luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry +into life is this for a young man of my family! Well, I have courage and +resolution: my first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful +one; other dangers will be conquered by similar bravery." And +recommending himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the +care of their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy +fell presently into such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the +innocent, and the extremely fatigued can enjoy. + +The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued after +swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto to sleep +so profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday's sunset, as +a natural consequence, Saturday's Phoebus illumined the world, ay, and +sunk at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of the hostel, peeping +in, marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a pretty youth, tripped +lightly from the chamber; the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call +him (as boots will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore, +turned on his side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption. In a +word, the youth slept for six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the +Sunday sun was shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne +were clinking and tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and +burgheresses of the town were trooping to vespers and morning service +when Otto awoke. + +As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the astonished +boy could not at first account for his difficulty in putting them on. +"Marry," said he, "these breeches that my blessed mother" (tears filled +his fine eyes as he thought of her)--"that my blessed mother had made +long on purpose, are now ten inches too short for me. Whir-r-r! my coat +cracks i' the back, as in vain I try to buckle it round me; and the +sleeves reach no farther than my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I +grown fat and tall in a single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it." + +The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily. He bethought him +of the reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from being +five-and-twenty miles under water. + +But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not +say was to purchase new ones. Inquiring the way to the most genteel +ready-made-clothes' establishment in the city of Cologne, and finding +it was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated +Moses of London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium; but you +may be sure did not neglect to perform his religious duties by the way. +Entering the cathedral, he made straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo, +and hiding himself behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognized +by the archbishop, or any of his father's numerous friends in Cologne), +he proceeded with his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles +of the age. + +But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could not +refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he remarked +with surprise that the whole church was filled with archers; and he +remembered, too, that he had seen in the streets numerous other bands +of men similarly attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch +the cause of this assemblage, one of the green ones said (in a jape), +"Marry, youngster, YOU must be GREEN, not to know that we are all bound +to the castle of his Grace Duke Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery +meeting once a year, and prizes for which we toxophilites muster +strong." + +Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately +settled what to do. He straightway repaired to the ready-made emporium +of Herr Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with an archer's +complete dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock, +which fitted the youth to a T, and we need not say was sold at an +exceedingly moderate price. So attired (and bidding Herr Moses a cordial +farewell), young Otto was a gorgeous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to +gaze on. A coat and breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented +with a profusion of brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite +tightness, showed off a figure unrivalled for slim symmetry. His feet +were covered with peaked buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his +slender waist, of the same material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe +and pouch, and his long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous +youth had as yet only employed it to fashion wicket-bails, or to cut +bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready to use against the enemy. His +personal attractions were enhanced by a neat white hat, flung carelessly +and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling countenance; and his +lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets, fell over his +shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far as the +waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a lovely Colnerinn looked +after the handsome Childe with anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid +under the guise of "a bonny boy in green." + +So accoutred, the youth's next thought was, that he must supply himself +with a bow. This he speedily purchased at the most fashionable bowyer's, +and of the best material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink +ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beautifully painted +and embroidered, was slung across his back, with a dozen of the finest +arrows, tipped with steel of Damascus, formed of the branches of the +famous Upas-tree of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan. +These purchases being completed (together with that of a knapsack, +dressing-case, change, &c.), our young adventurer asked where was the +hostel at which the archers were wont to assemble? and being informed +that it was at the sign of the "Golden Stag," hied him to that house of +entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer, he +speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a company +of his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the coffee-room. + +After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing them, +"When go ye forth, gentles? I am a stranger here, bound as you to +the archery meeting of Duke Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your +company 'twill gladden me upon my lonely way?" + +The archers replied, "You seem so young and jolly, and you spend your +gold so very like a gentleman, that we'll receive you in our band +with pleasure. Be ready, for we start at half-past two!" At that hour +accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a +little increased his popularity among them by stepping out and having a +conference with the landlord, which caused the latter to come into the +room where the archers were assembled previous to departure, and to say, +"Gentlemen, the bill is settled!"--words never ungrateful to an archer +yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of. + +They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and +telling of a thousand feats of love and chase and war. While thus +engaged, some one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the +regular uniform, having no feathers in his hat. + +"I dare say I will find a feather," said the lad, smiling. + +Then another gibed because his bow was new. + +"See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang," said the +undisturbed youth. His answers, his bearing, his generosity, his beauty, +and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends with interest +and curiosity, and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow +corresponded with their secret sympathies for him. + +An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present itself +soon--as indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as young Otto +was. Fate seems to watch over such: events occur to them just in the +nick of time; they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of +devouring them; they manage to be present at court and interesting +ceremonies, and to see the most interesting people at the most +interesting moment; directly an adventure is necessary for them, that +adventure occurs: and I, for my part, have often wondered with delight +(and never could penetrate the mystery of the subject) at the way in +which that humblest of romance heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants +anything in the Pantomime, straightway finds it to his hand. How is it +that,--suppose he wishes to dress himself up like a woman for instance, +that minute a coalheaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a +bonnet; at the very next instant a butcher's lad passing with a string +of sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously helps Master Clown +to a necklace and a tournure, and so on through the whole toilet? +Depend upon it there is something we do not wot of in that mysterious +overcoming of circumstances by great individuals: that apt and wondrous +conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for my part, when I heard +the above remark of one of the archers, that Otto had never a feather +in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron would spring up in the next +sentence to supply him with an aigrette. + +And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the +archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling his +crest, placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes against +the wind, rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the world. + +"Shoot, Otto," said one of the archers. "You would not shoot just now at +a crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it was a noble +bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly." + +But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the +third best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it. + +"Shoot, Otto," said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the +young archer: "the bird is getting further and further." + +But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just cut. +Max, the second best archer, shot and missed. + +"Then," said Wolfgang, "I must try myself: a plague on you, young +springald, you have lost a noble chance!" + +Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird. "It +is out of distance," said he, "and a murrain on the bird!" + +Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having +carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig down +and said carelessly, "Out of distance! Pshaw! We have two minutes yet," +and fell to asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the which none of the +archers listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in air, watching +the retreating bird. + +"Where shall I hit him?" said Otto. + +"Go to," said Rudolf, "thou canst see no limb of him: he is no bigger +than a flea." + +"Here goes for his right eye!" said Otto; and stepping forward in the +English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine, had +taught him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good aim, +allowing for the wind and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whiz! +his arrow went off. + +He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf at +the other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the while. + +The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their +noses in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular to +the horizontal position, and said, "Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The +arrow's lost; let's go!" + +"HEADS!" cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen rapidly descending from +the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a partridge, +then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent heron to the +ground, flooring poor Max in its fall. + +"Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang," said Otto, without looking at +the bird: "wipe it and put it back into my quiver." + +The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the pupil. + +"Are you in league with Der Freischutz?" said Rudolf, quite amazed. + +Otto laughingly whistled the "Huntsman's Chorus," and said, "No, my +friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot. I was taught shooting, +look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the archers are archers +indeed." + +And so he cut off the heron's wing for a plume for his hat; and the +archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, "What a wonderful country +that merry England must be!" + +Far from feeling any envy at their comrade's success, the jolly archers +recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and Rudolf +especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought the honor +of his friendship. They continued their walk all day, and when night +fell made choice of a good hostel you may be sure, where over beer, +punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to the health of the +Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other's healths all round. Next day they +resumed their march, and continued it without interruption, except to +take in a supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on these +occasions that Otto, young as he was, could eat four times as much as +the oldest archer present, and drink to correspond); and these continued +refreshments having given them more than ordinary strength, they +determined on making rather a long march of it, and did not halt till +after nightfall at the gates of the little town of Windeck. + +What was to be done? the town-gates were shut. "Is there no hostel, no +castle where we can sleep?" asked Otto of the sentinel at the gate. +"I am so hungry that in lack of better food I think I could eat my +grandmamma." + +The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and +said, "You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;" adding +with a peculiarly knowing look, "Nobody will disturb you there." + +At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a hill +hard by a castle indeed--but the skeleton of a castle. The roof was +gone, the windows were dismantled, the towers were tumbling, and the +cold moonlight pierced it through and through. One end of the building +was, however, still covered in, and stood looking still more frowning, +vast, and gloomy, even than the other part of the edifice. + +"There is a lodging, certainly," said Otto to the sentinel, who pointed +towards the castle with his bartizan; "but tell me, good fellow, what +are we to do for a supper?" + +"Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you," said the man-at-arms +with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the archers, taking +counsel among themselves, debated whether or not they should take up +their quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice. + +"We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there," said young Otto. +"Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant fellows, and +I have heard the garrison is not more than three hundred." But the rest +of the party thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap +one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep ignobly and +without victuals, than dare the assault with Otto, and die, or conquer +something comfortable. + +One and all then made their way towards the castle. They entered its +vast and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled before +them with hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and passing by +a multiplicity of mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety +corridors, at last came to an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as +it was, appeared to be in rather better condition than the neighboring +chambers, and they therefore selected it as their place of rest for the +night. They then tossed up which should mount guard. The first two +hours of watch fell to Otto, who was to be succeeded by his young though +humble friend Wolfgang; and, accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg, +drawing his dirk, began to pace upon his weary round; while his +comrades, by various gradations of snoring, told how profoundly they +slept, spite of their lack of supper. + +'Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as he +performed his two hours' watch; what gushing memories poured into his +full soul; what "sweet and bitter" recollections of home inspired his +throbbing heart; and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him up. +"Youth is ever confident," says the bard. Happy, happy season! The +moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the twinkling stars looked +friendly down upon him. Confiding in their youthful sentinel, sound +slept the valorous toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back +again, marched on the noble Childe. At length his repeater told him, +much to his satisfaction, that it was half-past eleven, the hour when +his watch was to cease; and so, giving a playful kick to the slumbering +Wolfgang, that good-humored fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing +his sword, proceeded to relieve Otto. + +The latter laid him down for warmth's sake on the very spot which his +comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep. Realities and +visions then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew which was +which. He dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start; then he went +off again; then woke up again. In one of these half-sleeping moments he +thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in white, gliding into the room, +and beckoning Wolfgang from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At +that moment twelve o'clock clanged from the town, and Otto started up. + + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE LADY OF WINDECK. + + +As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer, +pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure. He did not +know whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to him. Her +blue, clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of faultless +beauty; her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue, ere yet the +sculptor's love had given it life. A smile played upon her features, but +it was no warmer than the reflection of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet +it was wondrous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of +young Wolfgang. He stared at the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and +distended jaws. She looked at him with ineffable archness. She lifted +one beautifully rounded alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon +him towards her. Did Wolfgang--the young and lusty Wolfgang--follow? +Ask the iron whether it follows the magnet?--ask the pointer whether it +pursues the partridge through the stubble?--ask the youth whether the +lollipop-shop does not attract him? Wolfgang DID follow. An antique +door opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they saw quite +plain; they passed through the innumerable ancient chambers, and yet +they did not wake any of the owls and bats roosting there. We know not +through how many apartments the young couple passed; but at last they +came to one where a feast was prepared: and on an antique table, covered +with massive silver, covers were laid for two. The lady took her place +at one end of the table, and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to +the other seat. He took it. The table was small, and their knees met. He +felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against an ice-well. + +"Gallant archer," said she, "you must be hungry after your day's march. +What supper will you have? Shall it be a delicate lobster-salad? or +a dish of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar's-head and +truffles? or a Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a beefsteak and +shallot? or a couple of rognons a la brochette? Speak, brave bowyer: you +have but to order." + +As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish, Wolfgang +thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of delicacies to +him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try her with something +extremely rare. + +"Fair princess," he said, "I should like very much a pork-chop and some +mashed potatoes." + +She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never +served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at least +six portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street. + +When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the cover +on the dish again, and watched him eating with interest. He was for some +time too much occupied with his own food to remark that his companion +did not eat a morsel; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone; the +shining silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with his knife, +and, heaving a great sigh, he confessed a humble desire for something to +drink. + +"Call for what you like, sweet sir," said the lady, lifting up a silver +filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with gold. + +"Then," said Master Wolfgang--for the fellow's tastes were, in sooth, +very humble--"I call for half-and-half." According to his wish, a pint +of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle, foaming, into his +beaker. + +Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his conscience +it was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young man felt his +appetite renewed; and it is impossible to say how many different dishes +he called for. Only enchantment, he was afterwards heard to declare +(though none of his friends believed him), could have given him the +appetite he possessed on that extraordinary night. He called for another +pork-chop and potatoes, then for pickled salmon; then he thought he +would try a devilled turkey-wing. "I adore the devil," said he. + +"So do I," said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the dish was +served straightway. It was succeeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted +cheese, and--what was most remarkable--every one of the dishes which he +desired came from under the same silver cover: which circumstance, when +he had partaken of about fourteen different articles, he began to find +rather mysterious. + +"Oh," said the pale lady, with a smile, "the mystery is easily accounted +for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW." But this did not +account for the manner in which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch +(both gin and rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with +cucumber to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from which the +lady had first poured out his pint of half-and-half. + +"There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio," said his arch +entertainer, when he put this question to her, "than are dreamt of in +your philosophy:" and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time in such +a state, that he did not find anything wonderful more. + +"Are you happy, dear youth?" said the lady, as, after his collation, he +sank back in his chair. + +"Oh, miss, ain't I?" was his interrogative and yet affirmative reply. + +"Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?" continued the +pale one. + +"Why, no," said he; "no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights I +should like oysters." + +"Dear youth," said she, "be but mine, and you may have them all the year +round!" The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise +this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious +company. A person who can offer oysters all the year round can live to +no good purpose. + +"Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?" said the lady. + +"Sweet love!" said he, now much excited, "strike up, and I will join the +chorus." + +She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. 'Twas a sweet and +wild one. It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on a peasant +page; it told how nought could her love assuage, her suitor's wealth +and her father's rage: it told how the youth did his foes engage; and +at length they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born dame and the +peasant page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled his head, sung wofully out of +tune as the song proceeded; and if he had not been too intoxicated with +love and other excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on +the wall, as the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod +and grin to the music. The song ended. "I am the lady of high lineage: +Archer, will you be the peasant page?" + +"I'll follow you to the devil!" said Wolfgang. + +"Come," replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, "come to the chapel; +we'll be married this minute!" + +She held out her hand--Wolfgang took it. It was cold, damp,--deadly +cold; and on they went to the chapel. + +As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman and +lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly down to +the ground, and making the retreating couple a profound curtsy and bow, +took the places which they had left at the table. + +Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading +innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent. +As they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their +frames to follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a bust, +frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his pedestal +would not move; and several sticking-plaster profiles of the former +Lords of Windeck looked quite black at being, for similar reasons, +compelled to keep their places. However, there was a goodly procession +formed behind Wolfgang and his bride; and by the time they reached the +church, they had near a hundred followers. + +The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old +knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane. The organ set up of itself +to play the "Bridesmaid's Chorus." The choir-chairs were filled with +people in black. + +"Come, love," said the pale lady. + +"I don't see the parson," exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself rather +alarmed. + +"Oh, the parson! that's the easiest thing in the world! I say, bishop!" +said the lady, stooping down. + +Stooping down--and to what? Why, upon my word and honor, to a great +brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and on which +was engraven the figure of a bishop--and a very ugly bishop, too--with +crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal +ring. "Do, my dear lord, come and marry us," said the lady, with a +levity which shocked the feelings of her bridegroom. + +The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping under +a large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him; while a +canon of the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning +and making fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and . . . . + + +As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the +absence of his companion Wolfgang. The idea he had had, that his friend +disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him more and +more. "I will follow them," said he; and, calling to the next on the +watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his sleep), he +rushed away by the door through which he had seen Wolfgang and his +temptress take their way. + +That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle was vast, the +chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, and what wonder that, after +he had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe should not be able +to follow in their steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door, +and wandered for at least three hours about the dark enormous solitary +castle, calling out Wolfgang's name to the careless and indifferent +echoes, knocking his young shins against the ruins scattered in the +darkness, but still with a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm +resolution to aid his absent comrade. Brave Otto! thy exertions were +rewarded at last! + +For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had +partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the +picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady's father and mother, were +now sitting at the table. + +"Well, Bertha has got a husband at last," said the lady. + +"After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was quite +time," said the gentleman. (He was dressed in powder and a pigtail, +quite in the old fashion.) + +"The husband is no great things," continued the lady, taking snuff. "A +low fellow, my dear; a butcher's son, I believe. Did you see how the +wretch ate at supper? To think my daughter should have to marry an +archer!" + +"There are archers and archers," said the old man. "Some archers are +snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are gentlemen +by birth, at least, though not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the +Landgrave of Godesberg's son, who is listening at the door like a +lackey, and whom I intend to run through the--" + +"Law, Baron!" said the lady. + +"I will, though," replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and +glaring round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and that +scowl a less valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the undaunted +Childe advanced at once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a +relic of St. Buffo (the tip of the saint's ear, which had been cut off +at Constantinople). "Fiends! I command you to retreat!" said he, holding +up this sacred charm, which his mamma had fastened on him; and at the +sight of it, with an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the +Baroness sprung back into their picture-frames, as clowns go through a +clock in a pantomime. + +He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had passed +with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the vast gloomy +chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of the organ in the +chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him towards +that edifice. He rushed to the door: 'twas barred! He knocked: the +beadles were deaf. He applied his inestimable relic to the lock, +and--whiz! crash! clang! bang! whang!--the gate flew open! the organ +went off in a fugue--the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went +off towards the ceiling--the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry +and a scream--the bride howled, and vanished--the fat bishop waddled +back under his brass plate--the dean flounced down into his family +vault--and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual, on +the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his epigram, and to +disappear into the void whence he came. + +Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless down at +the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when they arrived, +found the two youths. They were resuscitated, as we scarce need say; but +when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale, some +sceptics among the archers said--"Pooh! they were intoxicated!" while +others, nodding their older heads, exclaimed--"THEY HAVE SEEN THE LADY +OF WINDECK!" and recalled the stories of many other young men, who, +inveigled by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and +had disappeared--for ever! + +This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant preserver; +and the archers--it being now morning, and the cocks crowing lustily +round about--pursued their way without further delay to the castle of +the noble patron of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves. + + +CHAPTER X. + +THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN. + + +Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between +Windeck and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a legend +and a ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made +to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey would be thus +almost interminable, let us cut it short by saying that the travellers +reached Cleves without any further accident, and found the place +thronged with visitors for the meeting next day. + +And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived, and +make display of antiquarian lore. Now we would represent a cavalcade of +knights arriving, with their pages carrying their shining helms of gold, +and the stout esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive +a fat abbot on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white-robed companions +of his convent. Here should come the gleemen and jonglers, the +minstrels, the mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed, +nut-brown Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs, +and leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the +vine-lands. Next we would depict the litters blazoned with armorial +bearings, from between the broidered curtains of which peeped out +the swan-like necks and the haughty faces of the blond ladies of the +castles. But for these descriptions we have not space; and the reader +is referred to the account of the tournament in the ingenious novel of +"Ivanhoe," where the above phenomena are described at length. Suffice it +to say, that Otto and his companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and, +hastening to a hostel, reposed themselves after the day's march, and +prepared them for the encounter of the morrow. + +That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and his +comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and arrows, +you may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as were the +multitude of other archers assembled. They were from all neighboring +countries--crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed with Murray's +guide-books, troops of chattering Frenchmen, Frankfort Jews with +roulette-tables, and Tyrolese, with gloves and trinkets--all hied +towards the field where the butts were set up, and the archery practice +was to be held. The Childe and his brother archers were, it need not be +said, early on the ground. + +But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman's emotion when, +preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and other wind +instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his +daughter? And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do justice to +the beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm which decorates the +person, every virtue which ornaments the mind, every accomplishment +which renders charming mind and charming person doubly charming, and +then you will have but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her +Highness the Princess Helen. Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know +not with what justice) Rowland's Kalydor imparts to the users of that +cosmetic; fancy teeth to which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals; +eyes, which were so blue, tender, and bright, that while they run you +through with their lustre, they healed you with their kindness; a neck +and waist, so ravishingly slender and graceful, that the least that +is said about them the better; a foot which fell upon the flowers no +heavier than a dew-drop--and this charming person set off by the most +elegant toilet that ever milliner devised! The lovely Helen's hair +(which was as black as the finest varnish for boots) was so long, that +it was borne on a cushion several yards behind her by the maidens of +her train; and a hat, set off with moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles, +birds-of-paradise, gold lace, and pink ribbon, gave her a distingue air, +which would have set the editor of the Morning Post mad with love. + +It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg, as +leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and gazed on +her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both +of them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding to the cheek of +either. A simultaneous throb beat in those young hearts! They loved +each other for ever from that instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged, +enraptured, leaning on his ivory bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden +for her pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to +hide her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones! I am old now; but +not so old but that I kindle at the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too +has lived and loved. Heigho! + +Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated the +Princess and the stout old lord, her father? Who is he whose hair is +of the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a nose, are +perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back and a hideous +mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yellow +odious teeth. Although he wears a sky-blue doublet laced with silver, +it only serves to render his vulgar punchy figure doubly ridiculous; +although his nether garment is of salmon-colored velvet, it only draws +the more attention to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and +bandy. A rose-colored hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks +absurd on his bull-head; and though it is time of peace, the wretch is +armed with a multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres, +and scimitars, which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. 'Tis +the terrible Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein. +Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen. He +addresses various speeches of gallantry to her, and grins hideously as +he thrusts his disgusting head over her lily shoulder. But she turns +away from him! turns and shudders--ay, as she would at a black dose! + +Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. "What is the prize?" +asks one archer of another. There are two prizes--a velvet cap, +embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of +enormous value. Both lie on cushions before her. + +"I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize," says a +swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules on a +black shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz. + +"Which, fellow?" says Otto, turning fiercely upon him. + +"The chain, to be sure!" says the leering archer. "You do not suppose I +am such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?" Otto laughed +in scorn, and began to prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed +that the sports were about to commence. + +Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already been done in the +novel of "Ivanhoe" before mentioned. Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln +green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit, +some missed; those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of +the multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new trials of skill; +but it was easy to see, from the first, that the battle lay between +Squintoff (the Rowski archer) and the young hero with the golden hair +and the ivory bow. Squintoff's fame as a marksman was known throughout +Europe; but who was his young competitor? Ah? there was ONE heart in the +assembly that beat most anxiously to know. 'Twas Helen's. + +The crowning trial arrived. The bull's eye of the target, set up at +three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so small, that +it required a very clever man indeed to see, much more to hit it; and as +Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Rowski flung +a purse of gold towards his archer, saying--"Squintoff, an ye win the +prize, the purse is thine." "I may as well pocket it at once, your +honor," said the bowman with a sneer at Otto. "This young chick, who has +been lucky as yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that." And, taking his +aim, Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the +bull's-eye. + +"Can you mend that, young springald?" said he, as a shout rent the air +at his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion of her +secret heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the +Rowski's money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg. + +"Has anybody got a pea?" asked the lad. Everybody laughed at his droll +request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the crowd, handed +him the vegetable which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto, +stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his arrow from +the bull's-eye, and placed in the orifice made by the steel point of the +shaft, the pea which he had received from the old woman. He then came +back to his place. As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by +emotion, that 'twas thought she would have fainted. Never, never had she +seen a being so beautiful as the young hero now before her. + +He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clusters of hair from +his bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled on his +cheek, from which the barber's weapon had never shorn the down. He took +his bow, and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself lightly +on his right leg, he flung himself forward, raising his left leg on a +level with his ear. He looked like Apollo, as he stood balancing himself +there. He discharged his dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the +blue air--whiz! + +"HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!" said the Princess, and fainted. The Rowski, with +one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while with the other he +levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to level anything) a furious +glance at his archer. + +The archer swore a sulky oath. "He is the better man!" said he. "I +suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?" + +"The gold chain?" said Otto. "Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked +by that august hand? Never!" And advancing to the balcony where the +Princess, who now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before +her, and received the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet as the +cap itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden ringlets. Once more +their eyes met--their hearts thrilled. They had never spoken, but they +knew they loved each other for ever. + +"Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?" said that +individual to the youth. "Thou shalt be captain of my archers in place +of yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome." + +"Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer," replied +Otto, haughtily; "and I will NOT take service with the Rowski of +Donnerblitz." + +"Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?" said the father +of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the haughtiness of the +humble archer. + +"I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY," said Otto, bowing +low. He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word family. +Helen knew what he meant. SHE was the family. In fact her mother was no +more, and her papa had no other offspring. + +"What is thy name, good fellow," said the Prince, "that my steward may +enroll thee?" + +"Sir," said Otto, again blushing, "I am OTTO THE ARCHER." + + +CHAPTER XI. + +THE MARTYR OF LOVE. + + +The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a handsome +dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which his friend +distinguished himself as usual in the eating and drinking department. +Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to attend; so great was the envy +of the brute at the youthful hero's superiority. As for Otto himself, he +sat on the right hand of the chairman; but it was remarked that he could +not eat. Gentle reader of my page! thou knowest why full well. He was +too much in love to have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring +under that passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet +remember our Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry when +they're in love. + +The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in the +corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his attached +squire, who vowed he never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own +elegant dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves, the noble +Childe sighed not a little. 'Twas a splendid uniform 'tis true, but +still it WAS a livery, and one of his proud spirit ill bears another's +cognizances. "They are the colors of the Princess, however," said he, +consoling himself; "and what suffering would I not undergo for HER?" As +for Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured, +low-born fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to +exchange for the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and +orange-tawny hat, with which the Duke's steward supplied him, the homely +patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past. + +"Look at you two archers," said the Prince of Cleves to his guest, the +Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the battlements after +dinner, smoking their cigars as usual. His Highness pointed to our two +young friends, who were mounting guard for the first time. "See yon two +bowmen--mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat thy Squintoff, and +t'other, an I mistake not, won the third prize at the butts. Both wear +the same uniform--the colors of my house--yet wouldst not swear that the +one was but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman?" + +"Which looks like the nobleman?" said the Rowski, as black as thunder. + +"WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure," said the Princess Helen, eagerly. +The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence of disliking +the odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski's proffered arm, and +was loitering behind with her parasol. + +Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black and +jealous Rowski more ill-humored. "How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves," +said he, "that the churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear +the ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear ringlets such +as yon springald's? Ho, archer!" roared he, "come, hither, fellow." +And Otto stood before him. As he came, and presenting arms stood +respectfully before the Prince and his savage guest, he looked for +one moment at the lovely Helen--their eyes met, their hearts beat +simultaneously: and, quick, two little blushes appeared in the cheek of +either. I have seen one ship at sea answering another's signal so. + +While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our readers +of the great estimation in which the hair was held in the North. Only +nobles were permitted to wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a +shaving was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains or +vassals who sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus +de Nobilitate Capillari; Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart; +Fresirische Alterthumskunde, &c. + +"We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow," said the Duke +of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of his +gallant recruit. "'Tis against the regulation cut of my archer guard." + +"Cut off my hair!" cried Otto, agonized. + +"Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel," roared Donnerblitz. + +"Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein," said the Duke with dignity: "let the +Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms. And you, young +sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger." + +Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent +to plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings +overcame him. "The count need not fear, my lord," said he: "a lady is +present." And he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah! what +a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought that those lovely +ringlets must be shorn from that beautiful head! + +Otto's mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a gentleman--let +us add, his pride as a man--for who is not, let us ask, proud of a +good head of hair?--waged war within his soul. He expostulated with the +Prince. "It was never in my contemplation," he said, "on taking service, +to undergo the operation of hair-cutting." + +"Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer," said the Prince pettishly. +"I will have no churls imitating noblemen in my service: I will bandy no +conditions with archers of my guard." + +"My resolve is taken," said Otto, irritated too in his turn. +"I will . . . . " + +"What?" cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation. + +"I will STAY," answered Otto. The poor girl almost fainted with joy. The +Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in +the horrible German jargon, stalked away. "So be it," said the Prince of +Cleves, taking his daughter's arm--"and here comes Snipwitz, my barber, +who shall do the business for you." With this the Prince too moved on, +feeling in his heart not a little compassion for the lad; for Adolf +of Cleves had been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the +ornament of which he was now depriving his archer. + +Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there--in a +word--operated upon him. The golden curls--fair curls that his mother +had so often played with!--fell under the shears and round the lad's +knees, until he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams. + +When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the little +chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it as cropped as +a charity-boy. + +See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!--And no +wonder. He was thinking what would be Helen's opinion of him, now +that one of his chief personal ornaments was gone. "Will she know me?" +thought he; "will she love me after this hideous mutilation?" + +Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to be +seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young gentleman +had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to +natural despondency; when he saw something which instantly restored +him to good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming towards the chamber +where the odious barber had performed upon him,--coming forward timidly, +looking round her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation,--and +presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she entered the +apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what was Otto's joy when he saw her +pick up a beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and +then hide it in her bosom! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen +did when she came out after performing this feat. Then she hurried +straightway to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose first +impulse was to come out from his hiding-place, and, falling at her +feet, call heaven and earth to witness to his passion, with difficulty +restrained his feelings and let her pass: but the love-stricken +young hero was so delighted with this evident proof of reciprocated +attachment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at once left him, +and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair, but his head, if need +were, to do her service. + +That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in +the castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of +Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage. He went away in +the greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud conversation with +the Prince. As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking +rather demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gathered his +attendants in the court, and there mounted his charger, the Rowski +ordered his trumpets to sound, and scornfully flung a largesse of gold +among the servitors and men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were +marshalled in the court. "Farewell, Sir Prince," said he to his host: +"I quit you now suddenly; but remember, it is not my last visit to the +Castle of Cleves." And ordering his band to play "See the Conquering +Hero comes," he clattered away through the drawbridge. The Princess +Helen was not present at his departure; and the venerable Prince of +Cleves looked rather moody and chap-fallen when his guest left him. +He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately that night, and +inquired of his officers the state of the ammunition, provisions, &c. He +said nothing; but the Princess Helen's maid did: and everybody knew that +the Rowski had made his proposals, had been rejected, and, getting up in +a violent fury, had called for his people, and sworn by his great gods +that he would not enter the castle again until he rode over the breach, +lance in hand, the conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it. + +No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the news: for +everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid and powerful +soldiers in all Germany,--one of the most skilful generals. Generous +to extravagance to his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy: a +hundred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised by him +in several towns and castles which he had captured and sacked. And poor +Helen had the pain of thinking, that in consequence of her refusal she +was dooming all the men, women, and children of the principality to +indiscriminate and horrible slaughter. + +The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days dreadful +confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy Prince of Cleves was taking +his dinner (though the honest warrior had had little appetite for that +meal for some time past), when trumpets were heard at the gate; and +presently the herald of the Rowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on +which the arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the dining-hall. A +page bore a steel gauntlet on a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on +his head. The Prince of Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to +the chair of state where the sovereign sat. + +"Silence for Bleu Sanglier," cried the Prince, gravely. "Say your say, +Sir Herald." + +"In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz, +Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt, +and Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman Empire--to +you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier, bring +war and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or twenty to twenty in +field or in fort, on plain or on mountain, the noble Rowski defies +you. Here, or wherever he shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death +between you and him. In token whereof, here is his glove." And taking +the steel glove from the page, Bleu Boar flung it clanging on the marble +floor. + +The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good +assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise the +Rowski's; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him, on his +knee. + +"Boteler, fill my goblet," said the Prince to that functionary, who, +clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a napkin on his +dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master's chair. The goblet was +filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a precious golden +hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Florentine. + +"Drink, Bleu Sanglier," said the Prince, "and put the goblet in thy +bosom. Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake." And so saying, Prince +Adolf flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald's neck. "An +invitation to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves." +So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu Sanglier's +retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daughter. All were marvelling +at his dignity, courage, and generosity. + +But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far from +tranquil. He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the reign of +Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death +in three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two +hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were assailing it. +Those deeds which had made the heir of Cleves famous were done thirty +years syne. A free liver since he had come into his principality, and of +a lazy turn, he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made him +in youth so famous a champion, and indolence had borne its usual +fruits. He tried his old battle-sword--that famous blade with which, +in Palestine, he had cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split +asunder the skull of the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could +scarcely now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armor. It was +too tight for him. And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found +he could not buckle it. Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible +Rowski in single combat. + +Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the field. +The Prince's territories were small; his vassals proverbially lazy and +peaceable; his treasury empty. The dismallest prospects were before him: +and he passed a sleepless night writing to his friends for succor, and +calculating with his secretary the small amount of the resources which +he could bring to aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy. + +Helen's pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber. She lay awake +thinking of Otto,--thinking of the danger and the ruin her refusal to +marry had brought upon her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but HIS +waking thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble Childe thought +how he should defend the Princess, and win LOS and honor in the ensuing +combat. + + +CHAPTER XII. + +THE CHAMPION. + + +And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his castle for +the threatened siege. He gathered in all the available cattle round the +property, and the pigs round many miles; and a dreadful slaughter of +horned and snouted animals took place,--the whole castle resounding with +the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the gruntlings, destined to +provide food for the garrison. These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of +course, would not allow of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,) +the lovely Helen, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted +and pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying +for the same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit, +or occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage, +who brought in wheat without money or credit either. The charming +Princess, amidst the intervals of her labors, went about encouraging the +garrison, who vowed to a man they would die for a single sweet smile +of hers; and in order to make their inevitable sufferings as easy as +possible to the gallant fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a +plenty of efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint +to bind their warriors' wounds withal. All the fortifications were +strengthened; the fosses carefully filled with spikes and water; large +stones placed over the gates, convenient to tumble on the heads of the +assaulting parties; and caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up +pitch, brimstone, boiling oil, &c., wherewith hospitably to receive +them. Having the keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto was +placed on the topmost tower, to watch for the expected coming of the +beleaguering host. + +They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining spears were seen +glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon made its +appearance in battle's magnificently stern array. The tents of the +renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot +of the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when his army had taken +up its position, an officer with a flag of truce and a trumpet was seen +advancing to the castle gate. It was the same herald who had previously +borne his master's defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once +more to the castle gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count of +Eulenschreckenstein was in arms without, ready to do battle with the +Prince of Cleves, or his champion; that he would remain in arms for +three days, ready for combat. If no man met him at the end of that +period, he would deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single +soul in the garrison. So saying, the herald nailed his lord's gauntlet +on the castle gate. As before, the Prince flung him over another glove +from the wall; though how he was to defend himself from such a warrior, +or get a champion, or resist the pitiless assault that must follow, the +troubled old nobleman knew not in the least. + +The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of +wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if they +would raise her up a defender. + +But how did the noble girl's heart sink--how were her notions of the +purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread intelligence +which reached her the next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski! At +roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she principally relied--he +whom her fond heart had singled out as her champion, had proved +faithless! Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolfgang, +had gone with him. A rope was found dangling from the casement of their +chamber, and they must have swum the moat and passed over to the +enemy in the darkness of the previous night. "A pretty lad was this +fair-spoken archer of thine!" said the Prince her father to her; "and a +pretty kettle of fish hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers." She +retired weeping to her apartment. Never before had that young heart felt +so wretched. + +That morning, at nine o'clock, as they were going to breakfast, the +Rowski's trumpets sounded. Clad in complete armor, and mounted on his +enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly +up and down in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a +champion. + +Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of +defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth challenging +the combat. The first day passed, and there was no answer to his +summons. The second day came and went, but no champion had risen to +defend. The taunt of his shrill clarion remained without answer; and the +sun went down upon the wretchedest father and daughter in all the land +of Christendom. + +The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and an +hour before sunset. The third day came, but with it brought no hope. The +first and second summons met no response. At five o'clock the old Prince +called his daughter and blessed her. "I go to meet this Rowski," said +he. "It may be we shall meet no more, my Helen--my child--the innocent +cause of all this grief. If I shall fall to-night the Rowski's victim, +'twill be that life is nothing without honor." And so saying, he put +into her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so +soon as the terrible champion had carried the castle by storm. + +This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father retired +to his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet. It had borne +the shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was now so tight as +almost to choke the knightly wearer. + +The last trumpet sounded--tantara! tantara!--its shrill call rang over +the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer. Again!--but +when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an awful silence. +"Farewell, my child," said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his +battle-saddle. "Remember the dagger. Hark! the trumpet sounds for the +third time. Open, warders! Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard +the right." + +But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet to +his lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of another +clarion!--a distant note at first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in +brilliant variations, the full rich notes of the "Huntsman's Chorus" +came clearly over the breeze; and a thousand voices of the crowd gazing +over the gate exclaimed, "A champion! a champion!" + +And, indeed, a champion HAD come. Issuing from the forest came a knight +and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant cream-colored +Arabian of prodigious power--the squire mounted on an unpretending gray +cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength and +sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet, through the bars of his +helmet; the knight's visor was completely down. A small prince's +coronet of gold, from which rose three pink ostrich-feathers, marked +the warrior's rank: his blank shield bore no cognizance. As gracefully +poising his lance he rode into the green space where the Rowski's tents +were pitched, the hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor +Prince of Cleves, especially, had considerable doubts about his new +champion. "So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz," +said he, moodily, to his daughter; "but whoever he be, the fellow puts a +good face on it, and rides like a man. See, he has touched the Rowski's +shield with the point of his lance! By St. Bendigo, a perilous venture!" + +The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as the +Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his daughter +stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the +Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to the +lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and waited for the foe. +His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat there, motionless, on his +cream-colored steed. He looked like one of those fairy knights one has +read of--one of those celestial champions who decided so many victories +before the invention of gun powder. + +The Rowski's horse was speedily brought to the door of his pavilion; and +that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of magnificent brass armor, +clattered into his saddle. Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled +over his helmet, which was farther ornamented by two huge horns of +the aurochs. His lance was painted white and red, and he whirled the +prodigious beam in the air and caught it with savage glee. He laughed +when he saw the slim form of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to +meet the coming battle. He dug his spurs into the enormous horse +he rode: the enormous horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce +pleasure. He jerked and curveted him with a brutal playfulness, and +after a few minutes' turning and wheeling, during which everybody had +leisure to admire the perfection of his equitation, he cantered round to +a point exactly opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient charger. + +The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that he +seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should his slim +champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. "Go +it!" said he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch; and at the word, +the two warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each other. + +And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like that +of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do justice to +the terrific theme. You have seen two engines on the Great Western +line rush past each other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two +warriors gallop towards one another; the feathers of either streamed +yards behind their backs as they converged. Their shock as they met was +as that of two cannon-balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with +the concussion; the lance aimed at the Rowski's helmet bore off the +coronet, the horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible +distance: a piece of the Rowski's left ear was carried off on the point +of the nameless warrior's weapon. How had he fared? His adversary's +weapon had glanced harmless along the blank surface of his polished +buckler; and the victory so far was with him. + +The expression of the Rowski's face, as, bareheaded, he glared on his +enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a demon. The +imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never be copied by a +feminine pen. + +His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the opportunity +thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting his opponent's +skull with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his starting-place, bent +his lance's point to the ground, in token that he would wait until the +Count of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted afresh. + +"Blessed Bendigo!" cried the Prince, "thou art a gallant lance: but why +didst not rap the Schelm's brain out?" + +"Bring me a fresh helmet!" yelled the Rowski. Another casque was brought +to him by his trembling squire. + +As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from his +side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of battle. The +unknown knight's sword was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the +two blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the combat! + +The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity. +It whirled round his adversary's head with frightful rapidity. Now it +carried away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of his +coronet. The flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly upon the +corn. For many minutes it was the Unknown's only task to defend himself +from the tremendous activity of the enemy. + +But even the Rowski's strength would slacken after exertion. The blows +began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown knight +began to make dreadful play. It found and penetrated every joint of +the Donnerblitz's armor. Now it nicked him in the shoulder where the +vambrace was buckled to the corselet; now it bored a shrewd hole under +the light brissart, and blood followed; now, with fatal dexterity, it +darted through the visor, and came back to the recover deeply +tinged with blood. A scream of rage followed the last thrust; and no +wonder:--it had penetrated the Rowski's left eye. + +His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost choking +in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and rage. +Gasping with fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great sword at his +opponent's head, and once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe. + +Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same dreadful +weapon! Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began the attack; +and the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like +a thunderbolt! "Yield! yield! Sir Rowski," shouted he, in a calm, clear +voice. + +A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. 'Twas the last blow that +the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle! The curse was on +his lips as the crushing steel descended into his brain, and split it +in two. He rolled like a log from his horse: his enemy's knee was in +a moment on his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat, as the +knight once more called upon him to yield. + +But there was no answer from within the helmet. When it was withdrawn, +the teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should have spoken, +grinned a ghastly silence: one eye still glared with hate and fury, but +it was glazed with the film of death! + +The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine. The unknown +knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful obeisance to +the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back +into the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset. + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +THE MARRIAGE. + + +The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily sent +all his camp-followers, army, &c. to the right-about. They struck their +tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each man laying hold +of what he could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched under +his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the sun rose. + +On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of Cleves +were not shut. Everybody was free to come in. Wine-butts were broached +in all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege +was distributed among the people, who crowded to congratulate their +beloved sovereign on his victory; and the Prince, as was customary with +that good man, who never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party, +had a splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes, the whole +concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks. + +In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of +Hombourg arrived at the castle. The stalwart old warrior swore by Saint +Bugo that he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been taken out +of his hand. The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Hombourg could +never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the unknown +knight had just done. + +But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of these +two old nobles. How to find him--how to reward the champion and restorer +of the honor and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that he +should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent round the principal +cities within fifty miles, and the description of the knight advertised, +in the Journal de Francfort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the +Princess Helen was solemnly offered to him in these advertisements, +with the reversion of the Prince of Cleves's splendid though somewhat +dilapidated property. + +"But we don't know him, my dear papa," faintly ejaculated that young +lady. "Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and pretend that +he was the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults +certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget); and how +are you to say whether he is the real knight or not? There are so many +deceivers in this world," added the Princess, in tears, "that one +can't be too cautious now." The fact is, that she was thinking of the +desertion of Otto in the morning; by which instance of faithlessness her +heart was wellnigh broken. + +As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of +everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers' mess that night, +as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both of meat +and drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades began to +describe the events of the day, and the admirable achievements of the +unknown warrior; and turning into their hammocks, did not appear on +parade in the morning until twenty minutes after the names were called. + +When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he was +in a towering passion. "Where were you, fellows," shouted he, "during +the time my castle was at its utmost need?" + +Otto replied, "We were out on particular business." + +"Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?" exclaimed the +Prince. "You know the reward of such--Death! and death you merit. But +you are a soldier only of yesterday, and yesterday's victory has made me +merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit--only flogged, both +of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give +these scoundrels five hundred apiece." + +You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information was +thus abruptly conveyed to him. "Flog ME!" cried he. "Flog Otto of--" + +"Not so, my father," said the Princess Helen, who had been standing by +during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the while with +the most ineffable scorn. "Not so: although these PERSONS have forgotten +their duty" (she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word +persons), "we have had no need of their services, and have luckily found +OTHERS more faithful. You promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the +pardon of these two PERSONS. Let them go, and quit a service they have +disgraced; a mistress--that is, a master--they have deceived." + +"Drum 'em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from +their backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again." So saying, +the old Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two +young men to the fun and derision of their surrounding comrades. + +The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the +ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what was +the row? Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly; but the +Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclamations of +joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to his manly breast, +kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst into tears as he +embraced him. For, in sooth, the good Count had thought his godson long +ere this at the bottom of the silver Rhine. + +The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window, (to +invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this strange +scene from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker likewise, with +breathless and beautiful agitation. The old Count and the archer +strolled up and down the battlements in deep conversation. By the +gestures of surprise and delight exhibited by the former, 'twas easy to +see the young archer was conveying some very strange and pleasing +news to him; though the nature of the conversation was not allowed to +transpire. + +"A godson of mine," said the noble Count, when interrogated over his +muffins. "I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace; ran away; +parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay," and +so forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his tale in this +brief, artless manner. But why, at its conclusion, did the gentle Helen +leave the room, her eyes filled with tears? She left the room once more +to kiss a certain lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling, +delicious thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul! + +When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries regarding +Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women); but he was gone. +He and his companion were gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken +his departure, under pretext of particular business. How lonely the +vast castle seemed to Helen, now that HE was no longer there. The +transactions of the last few days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer +from the Rowski (always an event in a young lady's life); the siege +of the castle; the death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a +fevered dream to her: all was passed away, and had left no trace behind. +No trace?--yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over +which the young creature wept so much that she put it out of curl; +passing hours and hours in the summer-house, where the operation had +been performed. + +On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a +consumption and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a day +longer,) a messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste to the +Prince of Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment. "To the High +and Mighty Prince," &c. the letter ran. "The Champion who had the honor +of engaging on Wednesday last with his late Excellency the Rowski of +Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves. +Through the medium of the public prints the C. has been made acquainted +with the flattering proposal of His Serene Highness relative to a union +between himself (the Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess +Helen of Cleves. The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite +invitation, and will have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and +Princess of Cleves about half an hour after the receipt of this letter." + +"Tol lol de rol, girl," shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy. (Have you +not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and on the stage, +joy is announced by the above burst of insensate monosyllables?) "Tol +lol de rol. Don thy best kirtle, child; thy husband will be here anon." +And Helen retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event in the life +of a young woman. When she returned, attired to welcome her defender, +her young cheek was as pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs +she wore. + +She was scarce seated on the dais by her father's side, when a huge +flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE +CHAMPION. Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary to +restore her tranquillity. + +The great door was flung open. He entered,--the same tall warrior, slim, +and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. He approached the Prince's +throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in armor. He knelt +gracefully on one knee. + +"I come," said he in a voice trembling with emotion, "to claim, as per +advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen." And he held out a +copy of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke. + +"Art thou noble, Sir Knight?" asked the Prince of Cleves. + +"As noble as yourself," answered the kneeling steel. + +"Who answers for thee?" + +"I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!" said the knight on the +right hand, lifting up his visor. + +"And I--Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!" said the knight on +the left, doing likewise. + +The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen. + +"I KNEW IT WAS," said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer. + +But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell ye. +In a very few days after, a great marriage took place at Cleves under +the patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the +marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove +off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissingen. The Lady +Theodora, whom we left locked up in her convent a long while since, was +prevailed upon to come back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to +her husband. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son, +and spoiled all her little grandchildren. And so all are happy, and my +simple tale is done. + +I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library. +'Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas; but +'tis probable that he stole it from some other, and that the other had +filched it from a former tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun. +Things die and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgotten tale +of the great Dumas reappears under the signature of + +THERESA MACWHIRTER. + +WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1. + + + + +REBECCA AND ROWENA. + +A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE. + +BY MR. MICHAEL ANGELO TITMARSH. + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE OVERTURE.--COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUSINESS. + + +Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance, assuredly +it has often occurred to every one of you, that the books we delight +in have very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite prematurely with +page 320 of the third volume. At that epoch of the history it is well +known that the hero is seldom more than thirty years old, and the +heroine by consequence some seven or eight years younger; and I would +ask any of you whether it is fair to suppose that people after the above +age have nothing worthy of note in their lives, and cease to exist as +they drive away from Saint George's, Hanover Square? You, dear young +ladies, who get your knowledge of life from the circulating library, may +be led to imagine that when the marriage business is done, and Emilia +is whisked off in the new travelling-carriage, by the side of the +enraptured Earl; or Belinda, breaking away from the tearful embraces +of her excellent mother, dries her own lovely eyes upon the throbbing +waistcoat of her bridegroom--you may be apt, I say, to suppose that all +is over then; that Emilia and the Earl are going to be happy for the +rest of their lives in his lordship's romantic castle in the North, and +Belinda and her young clergyman to enjoy uninterrupted bliss in their +rose-trellised parsonage in the West of England: but some there be among +the novel-reading classes--old experienced folks--who know better than +this. Some there be who have been married, and found that they have +still something to see and to do, and to suffer mayhap; and that +adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and taxes, and sunrises and +settings, and the business and joys and griefs of life go on after, as +before the nuptial ceremony. + +Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes of +hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by to the +two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife; and I have +often wished that additions should be made to all works of fiction which +have been brought to abrupt terminations in the manner described; and +that we should hear what occurs to the sober married man, as well as to +the ardent bachelor; to the matron, as well as to the blushing spinster. +And in this respect I admire (and would desire to imitate,) the noble +and prolific French author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from +early youth down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them +rest until they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should +get a little peace and quiet. A hero is much too valuable a gentleman to +be put upon the retired list, in the prime and vigor of his youth; and +I wish to know what lady among us would like to be put on the shelf, and +thought no longer interesting, because she has a family growing up, and +is four or five and thirty years of age? I have known ladies at sixty, +with hearts as tender and ideas as romantic as any young misses of +sixteen. Let us have middle-aged novels then, as well as your extremely +juvenile legends: let the young ones be warned that the old folks have +a right to be interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart, +although she is somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a +man his feelings, although he gets his hair from Truefitt's. + +Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most illustrious +personages of romance should be continued by fitting hands, and that +they should be heard of, until at least a decent age.--Look at Mr. +James's heroes: they invariably marry young. Look at Mr. Dickens's: +they disappear from the scene when they are mere chits. I trust these +authors, who are still alive, will see the propriety of telling us +something more about people in whom we took a considerable interest, +and who must be at present strong and hearty, and in the full vigor +of health and intellect. And in the tales of the great Sir Walter (may +honor be to his name), I am sure there are a number of people who are +untimely carried away from us, and of whom we ought to hear more. + +My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind, been +one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so admirable, so +tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear altogether before such +another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen-headed creature, who is, +in my humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe, and unworthy of her place as +heroine. Had both of them got their rights, it ever seemed to me that +Rebecca would have had the husband, and Rowena would have gone off to +a convent and shut herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken +the trouble of inquiring for her. + +But after all she married Ivanhoe. What is to be done? There is no help +for it. There it is in black and white at the end of the third volume +of Sir Walter Scott's chronicle, that the couple were joined together in +matrimony. And must the Disinherited Knight, whose blood has been fired +by the suns of Palestine, and whose heart has been warmed in the company +of the tender and beautiful Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the +side of such a frigid piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim, +niminy-piminy Rowena? Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice! There +is a simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their +due, which is here submitted to the novel-reader. Ivanhoe's history MUST +have had a continuation; and it is this which ensues. I may be wrong in +some particulars of the narrative,--as what writer will not be?--but +of the main incidents of the history, I have in my own mind no sort of +doubt, and confidently submit them to that generous public which likes +to see virtue righted, true love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy +descend out of the blazing chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make +Harlequin and Columbine happy. What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and +ladies; and if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping +in and out of endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting +scenes, no fairy comes down to make US comfortable at the close of the +performance? Ah! let us give our honest novel-folks the benefit of their +position, and not be envious of their good luck. + +No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as the +famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt for a +moment what was the result of the marriage between Sir Wilfrid of +Ivanhoe and Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her conduct during +her maidenhood, her distinguished politeness, her spotless modesty of +demeanor, her unalterable coolness under all circumstances, and her +lofty and gentlewomanlike bearing, must be sure that her married conduct +would equal her spinster behavior, and that Rowena the wife would be a +pattern of correctness for all the matrons of England. + +Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for piety +was known. Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy and monks of +the district, whom she fed with the richest viands, while she pinched +herself upon pulse and water. There was not an invalid in the three +Ridings, Saxon or Norman, but the palfrey of the Lady Rowena might +be seen journeying to his door, in company with Father Glauber, her +almoner, and Brother Thomas of Epsom, her leech. She lighted up all the +churches in Yorkshire with wax-candles, the offerings of her piety. The +bells of her chapel began to ring at two o'clock in the morning; and +all the domestics of Rotherwood were called upon to attend at matins, +at complins, at nones, at vespers, and at sermon. I need not say that +fasting was observed with all the rigors of the Church; and that those +of the servants of the Lady Rowena were looked upon with most favor +whose hair-shirts were the roughest, and who flagellated themselves with +the most becoming perseverance. + +Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or cooled +his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy fool in +England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the shuddering poor +servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below the salt, it was +such a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to laugh at the innuendoes +of the unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile was the best applause he +could muster. Once, indeed, when Guffo, the goose-boy (a half-witted +poor wretch), laughed outright at a lamentably stale pun which Wamba +palmed upon him at supper-time, (it was dark, and the torches being +brought in, Wamba said, "Guffo, they can't see their way in the +argument, and are going TO THROW A LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,") the +Lady Rowena, being disturbed in a theological controversy with Father +Willibald, (afterwards canonized as St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit +and confessor,) called out to know what was the cause of the unseemly +interruption, and Guffo and Wamba being pointed out as the culprits, +ordered them straightway into the court-yard, and three dozen to be +administered to each of them. + +"I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle," said poor Wamba, piteously, +appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, "and canst thou not save me from +the lash?" + +"Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf's castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH THE +JEWESS IN THE TOWER!" said Rowena, haughtily replying to the timid +appeal of her husband. "Gurth, give him four dozen!" + +And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of his +master. + +In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the +royal blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort, could +scarcely call his life his own, and was made, in all things, to feel the +inferiority of his station. And which of us is there acquainted with the +sex that has not remarked this propensity in lovely woman, and how often +the wisest in the council are made to be as fools at HER board, and the +boldest in the battle-field are craven when facing her distaff? + +"Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower," was a +remark, too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader will +understand, the significancy. When the daughter of Isaac of York brought +her diamonds and rubies--the poor gentle victim!--and, meekly laying +them at the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed into foreign lands +to tend the sick of her people, and to brood over the bootless passion +which consumed her own pure heart, one would have thought that the heart +of the royal lady would have melted before such beauty and humility, and +that she would have been generous in the moment of her victory. + +But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being +handsome and more love-worthy than herself? The Lady Rowena did +certainly say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, "Come and +live with me as a sister," as the former part of this history shows; but +Rebecca knew in her heart that her ladyship's proposition was what +is called BOSH (in that noble Eastern language with which Wilfrid the +Crusader was familiar), or fudge, in plain Saxon; and retired with a +broken, gentle spirit, neither able to bear the sight of her rival's +happiness, nor willing to disturb it by the contrast of her own +wretchedness. Rowena, like the most high-bred and virtuous of women, +never forgave Isaac's daughter her beauty, nor her flirtation with +Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term it); nor, above all, her +admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena was actually in +possession of them. + +In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe's teeth. There +was not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made to remember +that a Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and that a Christian +lady of fashion could never forgive the insult. For instance, if Gurth, +the swineherd, who was now promoted to be a gamekeeper and verderer, +brought the account of a famous wild-boar in the wood, and proposed a +hunt, Rowena would say, "Do, Sir Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you +know your friends the Jews can't abide them!" Or when, as it oft would +happen, our lion-hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a +benevolence from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists, +or extract some of the principal rabbis' teeth, Rowena would exult and +say, "Serve them right, the misbelieving wretches! England can never be +a happy country until every one of these monsters is exterminated!" or +else, adopting a strain of still more savage sarcasm, would exclaim, +"Ivanhoe my dear, more persecution for the Jews! Hadn't you better +interfere, my love? His Majesty will do anything for you; and, you know, +the Jews were ALWAYS SUCH FAVORITES OF YOURS," or words to that effect. +But, nevertheless, her ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing +Rebecca's jewels at court, whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or +at the York assizes and ball, when she appeared there: not of course +because she took any interest in such things, but because she considered +it her duty to attend, as one of the chief ladies of the county. + +Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his wishes, +was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous elevation, +disappointed. Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so in life! Many a +garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and green, which, when +beheld closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady walks melancholy and +grass-grown; the bowers you would fain repose in, cushioned with +stinging-nettles. I have ridden in a caique upon the waters of the +Bosphorus, and looked upon the capital of the Soldan of Turkey. As seen +from those blue waters, with palace and pinnacle, with gilded dome and +towering cypress, it seemeth a very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter +the city, and it is but a beggarly labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty +alleys, where the ways are steep and the smells are foul, tenanted by +mangy dogs and ragged beggars--a dismal illusion! Life is such, ah, +well-a-day! It is only hope which is real, and reality is a bitterness +and a deceit. + +Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe's high principles would never bring himself +to acknowledge this fact; but others did for him. He grew thin, and +pined away as much as if he had been in a fever under the scorching sun +of Ascalon. He had no appetite for his meals; he slept ill, though he +was yawning all day. The jangling of the doctors and friars whom +Rowena brought together did not in the least enliven him, and he would +sometimes give proofs of somnolency during their disputes, greatly to +the consternation of his lady. He hunted a good deal, and, I very much +fear, as Rowena rightly remarked, that he might have an excuse for being +absent from home. He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a +hermit; and when he came back from Athelstane's (whither he would +repair not unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural +brilliancy of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be sure, +was sitting up for him. As for Athelstane, he swore by St. Wullstan that +he was glad to have escaped a marriage with such a pattern of propriety; +and honest Cedric the Saxon (who had been very speedily driven out of +his daughter-in-law's castle) vowed by St. Waltheof that his son had +bought a dear bargain. + +So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his royal +master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he had squeezed +from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all the money which he +could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince began to make war against +the French King, in Normandy and Guienne, Sir Wilfrid pined like a true +servant to be in company of the good champion, alongside of whom he +had shivered so many lances, and dealt such woundy blows of sword and +battle-axe on the plains of Jaffa or the breaches of Acre. Travellers +were welcome at Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good +King: and I warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when +Father Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James's Chronykyll (which +was the paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of "another glorious +triumph"--"Defeat of the French near Blois"--"Splendid victory at Epte, +and narrow escape of the French King:" the which deeds of arms the +learned scribes had to narrate. + +However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left the +Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and the more +moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his Gascony wine. +Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail hanging vacant on the +wall, his banner covered with spider-webs, and his sword and axe rusting +there. "Ah, dear axe," sighed he (into his drinking-horn)--"ah, gentle +steel! that was a merry time when I sent thee crashing into the pate of +the Emir Abdul Melik as he rode on the right of Saladin. Ah, my sword, +my dainty headsman? my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards! is +the rust to eat thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in +battle? What is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a +cobweb for a pennon? O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once +more thy voice in the front of the onset! Bones of Brian the Templar? +would ye could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we might +break another spear for honor and--and--" . . . + +"And REBECCA," he would have said; but the knight paused here in rather +a guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena (as she chose +to style herself at home) looked so hard at him out of her china-blue +eyes, that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading his thoughts, and was +fain to drop his own eyes into his flagon. + +In a word, his life was intolerable. The dinner hour of the twelfth +century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined at ten +o'clock in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum under her +canopy, embroidered with the arms of Edward the Confessor, working with +her maidens at the most hideous pieces of tapestry, representing the +tortures and martyrdoms of her favorite saints, and not allowing a soul +to speak above his breath, except when she chose to cry out in her own +shrill voice when a handmaid made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of +worsted. It was a dreary life. Wamba, we have said, never ventured to +crack a joke, save in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and +then Sir Wilfrid Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but +hunted in silence, moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with shaft +and quarrel. + +Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless, to +join him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard, with a +score or two of lances. But the Earl of Huntingdon was a very different +character from Robin Hood the forester. There was no more conscientious +magistrate in all the county than his lordship: he was never known to +miss church or quarter-sessions; he was the strictest game-proprietor +in all the Riding, and sent scores of poachers to Botany Bay. "A man who +has a stake in the country, my good Sir Wilfrid," Lord Huntingdon said, +with rather a patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat +since the King had taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong +as an elephant to mount him)--"a man with a stake in the country +ought to stay IN the country. Property has its duties as well as its +privileges, and a person of my rank is bound to live on the land from +which he gets his living." + +"'Amen!" sang out the Reverend ---- Tuck, his lordship's domestic +chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx, who was +as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his handkerchief, and +had his poll shaved and his beard curled every day. And so sanctified +was his Reverence grown, that he thought it was a shame to kill the +pretty deer, (though he ate of them still hugely, both in pasties and +with French beans and currant-jelly,) and being shown a quarter-staff +upon a certain occasion, handled it curiously, and asked "what that ugly +great stick was?" + +Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun and +spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come and +stay at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness of that +castle. But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself such airs, and +bored her so intolerably with stories of King Edward the Confessor, that +she preferred any place rather than Rotherwood, which was as dull as if +it had been at the top of Mount Athos. + +The only person who visited it was Athelstane. "His Royal Highness the +Prince" Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received with +royal honors. She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned out with +presented arms when he arrived; helped him to all Ivanhoe's favorite +cuts of the mutton or the turkey, and forced her poor husband to +light him to the state bedroom, walking backwards, holding a pair of +wax-candles. At this hour of bedtime the Thane used to be in such a +condition, that he saw two pair of candles and two Ivanhoes reeling +before him. Let us hope it was not Ivanhoe that was reeling, but only +his kinsman's brains muddled with the quantities of drink which it was +his daily custom to consume. Rowena said it was the crack which the +wicked Bois Guilbert, "the Jewess's OTHER lover, Wilfrid my dear," +gave him on his royal skull, which caused the Prince to be disturbed so +easily; but added, that drinking became a person of royal blood, and was +but one of the duties of his station. + +Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man to +bear him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he himself was +every day more and more bent upon going, and he long cast about for some +means of breaking to his Rowena his firm resolution to join the King. +He thought she would certainty fall ill if he communicated the news too +abruptly to her: he would pretend a journey to York to attend a grand +jury; then a call to London on law business or to buy stock; then he +would slip over to Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and +so be with the King before his wife knew that he was out of sight of +Westminster Hall. + +"Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo! to a +goose, plump, short, and to the point," said Wamba the Jester--who was +Sir Wilfrid's chief counsellor and attendant--"depend on't her Highness +would bear the news like a Christian woman." + +"Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap," said Sir Wilfrid, in a +fine tone of high-tragedy indignation. "Thou knowest not the delicacy +of the nerves of high-born ladies. An she faint not, write me down +Hollander." + +"I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that she +will let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not the matter +too strongly," Wamba answered, knowingly. And this Ivanhoe found to his +discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast, adopting a degage air, as he +sipped his tea, he said, "My love, I was thinking of going over to pay +his Majesty a visit in Normandy." Upon which, laying down her muffin, +(which, since the royal Alfred baked those cakes, had been the chosen +breakfast cate of noble Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered +to her on a salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)--"When +do you think of going, Wilfrid my dear?" the lady said; and the moment +the tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put away, +she set about mending his linen, and getting ready his carpet-bag. + +So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him as he +had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the Fool to say, +"Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board, who, when the +boatswain flogged him, did cry out 'Oh!' wherever the rope's-end fell on +him: which caused Master Boatswain to say, 'Plague on thee, fellow, and +a pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit thee there is no pleasing thee.'" + +"And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring," +thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, "and mine is one that is ever sore." + +So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and +a large woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife's own white +fingers had woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join the King his +master. Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a series of prayers +and blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord mounted his charger, +which his squires led to the door. "It was the duty of the British +female of rank," she said, "to suffer all--ALL in the cause of her +sovereign. SHE would not fear loneliness during the campaign: she would +bear up against widowhood, desertion, and an unprotected situation." + +"My cousin Athelstane will protect thee," said Ivanhoe, with profound +emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and bestowing a chaste +salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena modestly said "she hoped his +Highness would be so kind." + +Then Ivanhoe's trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket-handkerchief: +then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant of the good Knight, +Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner (which was argent, a +gules cramoisy with three Moors impaled sable): then Wamba gave a lash +on his mule's haunch, and Ivanhoe, heaving a great sigh, turned the tail +of his war-horse upon the castle of his fathers. + +As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane powdering +along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his great dray-horse +of a charger. "Good-by, good luck to you, old brick," cried the Prince, +using the vernacular Saxon. "Pitch into those Frenchmen; give it 'em +over the face and eyes; and I'll stop at home and take care of Mrs. I." + +"Thank you, kinsman," said Ivanhoe--looking, however, not particularly +well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train of each took its +different way--Athelstane's to Rotherwood, Ivanhoe's towards his place +of embarkation. + +The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and as +yellow as a lawyer's parchment; and having longed to quit home any time +these three years past, he found himself envying Athelstane, because, +forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which symptoms of discontent being +observed by the witless Wamba, caused that absurd madman to bring his +rebeck over his shoulder from his back, and to sing-- + + "ATRA CURA. + + "Before I lost my five poor wits, + I mind me of a Romish clerk, + Who sang how Care, the phantom dark, + Beside the belted horseman sits. + Methought I saw the griesly sprite + Jump up but now behind my Knight." + +"Perhaps thou didst, knave," said Ivanhoe, looking over his shoulder; +and the knave went on with his jingle: + + "And though he gallop as he may, + I mark that cursed monster black + Still sits behind his honor's back, + Tight squeezing of his heart alway. + Like two black Templars sit they there, + Beside one crupper, Knight and Care. + + "No knight am I with pennoned spear, + To prance upon a bold destrere: + I will not have black Care prevail + Upon my long-eared charger's tail, + For lo, I am a witless fool, + And laugh at Grief and ride a mule." + +And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule's sides. + +"Silence, fool!" said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both majestic +and wrathful. "If thou knowest not care and grief, it is because thou +knowest not love, whereof they are the companions. Who can love without +an anxious heart? How shall there be joy at meeting, without tears at +parting?" ("I did not see that his honor or my lady shed many anon," +thought Wamba the Fool; but he was only a zany, and his mind was not +right.) "I would not exchange my very sorrows for thine indifference," +the knight continued. "Where there is a sun, there must be a shadow. If +the shadow offend me, shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark? No! +I am content with my fate, even such as it is. The Care of which thou +speakest, hard though it may vex him, never yet rode down an honest +man. I can bear him on my shoulders, and make my way through the world's +press in spite of him; for my arm is strong, and my sword is keen, and +my shield has no stain on it; and my heart, though it is sad, knows no +guile." And here, taking a locket out of his waistcoat (which was made +of chain-mail), the knight kissed the token, put it back under the +waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and stuck spurs into his horse. + +As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid +was making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on the +knight's part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to the +fool,) and so did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe's pompous +remarks. They travelled on by slow stages through the whole kingdom, +until they came to Dover, whence they took shipping for Calais. And in +this little voyage, being exceedingly sea-sick, and besides elated at +the thought of meeting his sovereign, the good knight cast away that +profound melancholy which had accompanied him during the whole of his +land journey. + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE LAST DAYS OF THE LION. + + +From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across country to +Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses and the rest of +his attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who travelled not only as +the knight's fool, but as his valet, and who, perched on the roof of the +carriage, amused himself by blowing tunes upon the conducteur's French +horn. The good King Richard was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin, +encamped before a little place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a +vassal of the King's, was holding the castle against his sovereign with +a resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the +part of the Monarch with the Lion Heart. For brave and magnanimous as +he was, the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more than +another; and, like the royal animal whom he was said to resemble, he +commonly tore his adversary to pieces, and then, perchance, had leisure +to think how brave the latter had been. The Count of Chalus had found, +it was said, a pot of money; the royal Richard wanted it. As the count +denied that he had it, why did he not open the gates of his castle +at once? It was a clear proof that he was guilty; and the King was +determined to punish this rebel, and have his money and his life too. + +He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those +instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the place +a score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been beaten +back on every occasion, until he was so savage that it was dangerous +to approach the British Lion. The Lion's wife, the lovely Berengaria, +scarcely ventured to come near him. He flung the joint-stools in his +tent at the heads of the officers of state, and kicked his aides-de-camp +round his pavilion; and, in fact, a maid of honor, who brought a +sack-posset in to his Majesty from the Queen after he came in from the +assault, came spinning like a football out of the royal tent just as +Ivanhoe entered it. + +"Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!" roared out the infuriate +King. "By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the sack! By St. +Wittikind, I will have her flayed alive. Ha, St. George! ha, St. +Richard! whom have we here?" And he lifted up his demi-culverin, or +curtal-axe--a weapon weighing about thirteen hundredweight--and was +about to fling it at the intruder's head, when the latter, kneeling +gracefully on one knee, said calmly, "It is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of +Ivanhoe." + +"What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the +henpecked!" cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor, flinging +away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed (it lighted +three hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon, who was smoking +a cigar at the door of his tent, and caused that redoubted warrior to +limp for some days after). "What, Wilfrid my gossip? Art come to see +the lion's den? There are bones in it, man, bones and carcasses, and the +lion is angry," said the King, with a terrific glare of his eyes. "But +tush! we will talk of that anon. Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for +the King and the good Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe. Thou art come in +time, Wilfrid, for, by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand +assault to-morrow. There will be bones broken, ha!" + +"I care not, my liege," said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign +respectfully, and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of hypocras +to his Highness's good health. And he at once appeared to be taken into +high favor; not a little to the envy of many of the persons surrounding +the King. + +As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty before +Chalus. Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the castle, but +it was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his gallant +garrison, that each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties returning +disconsolately to their tents, leaving behind them many of their own +slain, and bringing back with them store of broken heads and maimed +limbs, received in the unsuccessful onset. The valor displayed by +Ivanhoe in all these contests was prodigious; and the way in which +he escaped death from the discharges of mangonels, catapults, +battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling oil, and other artillery, +with which the besieged received their enemies, was remarkable. After +a day's fighting, Gurth and Wamba used to pick the arrows out of their +intrepid master's coat-of-mail, as if they had been so many almonds in +a pudding. 'Twas well for the good knight, that under his first coat-of +armor he wore a choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly impervious to +arrow-shots, and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac of York, to +whom he had done some considerable services a few years back. + +If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated failures of +his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice was blinded in +the lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the first to acknowledge +the valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would have given him a Peerage +and the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a dozen times in the course of +the siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a dozen storming parties, and with +his own hand killed as many men (viz, two thousand three hundred +and fifty-one) within six, as were slain by the lion-hearted monarch +himself. But his Majesty was rather disgusted than pleased by his +faithful servant's prowess; and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for +his superior valor and dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of +hundreds of them of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings +host could not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the +royal mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of +arms with an evil eye. Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King that +Sir Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill more men +than Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de Toadhole said that +Ivanhoe stated everywhere that his Majesty was not the man he used to +be; that pleasures and drink had enervated him; that he could neither +ride, nor strike a blow with sword or axe, as he had been enabled to do +in the old times in Palestine: and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault, +in which they had very nearly carried the place, and in which onset +Ivanhoe slew seven, and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de +Chalus, its defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his +banner before the King's upon the wall; and only rescued himself from +utter disgrace by saving his Majesty's life several times in the course +of this most desperate onslaught. + +Then the luckless knight's very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected +readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men--nor was Ivanhoe liked +by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard. His young +Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the pleasure-loving +monarch. His Majesty would transact business in the morning, then fight +severely from after breakfast till about three o'clock in the afternoon; +from which time, until after midnight, there was nothing but jigging +and singing, feasting and revelry, in the royal tents. Ivanhoe, who +was asked as a matter of ceremony, and forced to attend these +entertainments, not caring about the blandishments of any of the ladies +present, looked on at their ogling and dancing with a countenance as +glum as an undertaker's, and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst +of the festivities. His favorite resort and conversation were with a +remarkably austere hermit, who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus, and +with whom Ivanhoe loved to talk about Palestine, and the Jews, and other +grave matters of import, better than to mingle in the gayest amusements +of the court of King Richard. Many a night, when the Queen and the +ladies were dancing quadrilles and polkas (in which his Majesty, who was +enormously stout as well as tall, insisted upon figuring, and in which +he was about as graceful as an elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe +would steal away from the ball, and come and have a night's chat under +the moon with his reverend friend. It pained him to see a man of the +King's age and size dancing about with the young folks. They laughed +at his Majesty whilst they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor +mimicked the royal mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe ever +could have laughed, he certainly would one night when the King, in +light-blue satin inexpressibles, with his hair in powder, chose to dance +the minuet de la cour with the little Queen Berangeria. + +Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and begin to +sing. He was said to compose his own songs--words and music--but those +who have read Lord Campobello's "Lives of the Lord Chancellors" are +aware that there was a person by the name of Blondel, who, in fact, did +all the musical part of the King's performances; and as for the words, +when a king writes verses, we may be sure there will be plenty of people +to admire his poetry. His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which +he had stolen every idea, to an air that was ringing on all the +barrel-organs of Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would +say, "How do you like that? I dashed it off this morning." Or, "Blondel, +what do you think of this movement in B flat?" or what not; and the +courtiers and Blondel, you may be sure, would applaud with all their +might, like hypocrites as they were. + +One evening--it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed--his +Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a quantity +of his so-called composition, until the people were fairly tired of +clapping with their hands and laughing in their sleeves. First he sang +an ORIGINAL air and poem, beginning + + "Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose, + Fresh and fair ones, who'll refuse?" &c. + +The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the day +before yesterday. Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic melody, of +which the chorus was + + "Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea, + For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be," &c. + +The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except +Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until the +King questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said "he thought he had +heard something very like the air and the words elsewhere." His Majesty +scowled at him a savage glance from under his red bushy eyebrows; but +Ivanhoe had saved the royal life that day, and the King, therefore, with +difficulty controlled his indignation. + +"Well," said he, "by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard THIS +song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath after the +melee. Did I not, Blondel?" + +Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty had +done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his great +red fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as follows:-- + + "COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL. + + "The Pope he is a happy man, + His Palace is the Vatican, + And there he sits and drains his can: + The Pope he is a happy man. + I often say when I'm at home, + I'd like to be the Pope of Rome. + + "And then there's Sultan Saladin, + That Turkish Soldan full of sin; + He has a hundred wives at least, + By which his pleasure is increased: + I've often wished, I hope no sin, + That I were Sultan Saladin. + + "But no, the Pope no wife may choose, + And so I would not wear his shoes; + No wine may drink the proud Paynim, + And so I'd rather not be him: + My wife, my wine, I love I hope, + And would be neither Turk nor Pope." + +"Encore! Encore! Bravo! Bis!" Everybody applauded the King's song with +all his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved his abominable +gravity: and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite whether he had heard +that too, said firmly, "Yes, Roger de Backbite; and so hast thou if thou +darest but tell the truth." + +"Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again," bawled the King +in a fury, "if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may I die in +to-morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song. Sing thyself, Wilfrid +of the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could'st sing a good song in old times." And +with all his might, and with a forced laugh, the King, who loved brutal +practical jests, flung his guitar at the head of Ivanhoe. + +Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an elegant +bow to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:-- + + "KING CANUTE. + + "King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score, + Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing + more; + And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore. + + "'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps + sedate, + Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks + great, + Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,--all the officers of state. + + "Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause, + If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped + their jaws; + If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws. + + "But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and + young: + Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen + sung, + Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her + tongue. + + "'Something ails my gracious master,' cried the Keeper of the Seal. + 'Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?' + 'Psha!' exclaimed the angry monarch. 'Keeper, 'tis not that I + feel. + + "''Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest + impair: + Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care? + Oh, I'm sick, and tired, and weary.'--Some one cried, 'The King's + arm-chair?' + + "Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded, + Straight the King's great chair was brought him, by two footmen + able-bodied; + Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded. + + "'Leading on my fierce companions,' cried be, 'over storm and + brine, + I have fought and I have conquered! Where was glory like to mine?' + Loudly all the courtiers echoed: 'Where is glory like to thine?' + + "'What avail me all my kingdoms? Weary am I now, and old; + Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold; + Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould! + + "'Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites; + Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights; + Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights. + + "'Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires; + Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered + sires.'--Such a tender conscience,' cries the Bishop, 'every + one admires. + + "'But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to + search, + They're forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church; + Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch. + + "'Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace's + bounty raised; + Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily + praised: + YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I'm amazed!' + + "'Nay, I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near.' + 'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a + tear). + 'Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty + year.' + + "'Live these fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to + suit. + 'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute! + Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do't. + + "'Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela, + Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn't the King as well as + they?' + 'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, 'fervently I trust he may.' + + "'HE to die?' resumed the Bishop. 'He a mortal like to US? + Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus: + Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus. + + "'With his wondrous skill in healing ne'er a doctor can compete, + Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet; + Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet. + + "'Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill, + And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still? + So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.' + + "'Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?' Canute cried; + 'Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride? + If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide. + + "'Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?' + Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, 'Land and sea, my lord, are thine.' + Canute turned towards the ocean--'Back!' he said, 'thou foaming + brine + + "'From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat; + Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master's seat: + Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!' + + "But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar, + And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore; + Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore. + + "And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay, + But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey: + And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day. + King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway." + +At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as a +sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some affected +to be asleep and snore outright. But Roger de Backbite thinking to curry +favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity, his Majesty fetched +him a knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear, which, I warrant me, +wakened Master Roger; to whom the King said, "Listen and be civil, +slave; Wilfrid is singing about thee.--Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but +it is to the purpose, and I have grown cool during thy homily. Give +me thy hand, honest friend. Ladies, good night. Gentlemen, we give the +grand assault to-morrow; when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall +not be before mine."--And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty, +retired into the private pavilion. + + +CHAPTER III. + +ST. GEORGE FOR ENGLAND. + + +Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp outside +the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most miserable +plight that may be conceived. Hunger, as well as the fierce assaults +of the besiegers, had made dire ravages in the place. The garrison's +provisions of corn and cattle, their very horses, dogs, and donkeys had +been eaten up--so that it might well be said by Wamba "that famine, as +well as slaughter, had THINNED the garrison." When the men of Chalus +came on the walls to defend it against the scaling-parties of King +Richard, they were like so many skeletons in armor; they could hardly +pull their bowstrings at last, or pitch down stones on the heads of his +Majesty's party, so weak had their arms become; and the gigantic Count +of Chalus--a warrior as redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard +Plantagenet himself--was scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe upon +the day of that last assault, when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran him +through the--but we are advancing matters. + +What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which the +Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his heroic sons +and garrison?--Nothing, but that Dante has already done the business +in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my efforts might be +considered as mere imitations. Why should I not, if I were minded to +revel in horrifying details, show you how the famished garrison drew +lots, and ate themselves during the siege; and how the unlucky lot +falling upon the Countess of Chalus, that heroic woman, taking an +affectionate leave of her family, caused her large caldron in the castle +kitchen to be set a-boiling, had onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and +salt made ready, to make a savory soup, as the French like it; and when +all things were quite completed, kissed her children, jumped into the +caldron from off a kitchen stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel +bed-gown? Dear friends, it is not from want of imagination, or from +having no turn for the terrible or pathetic, that I spare you these +details. I could give you some description that would spoil your dinner +and night's rest, and make your hair stand on end. But why harrow your +feelings? Fancy all the tortures and horrors that possibly can occur in +a beleaguered and famished castle: fancy the feelings of men who know +that no more quarter will be given them than they would get if they +were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and brought to trial by his +Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then let us rush on to the breach +and prepare once more to meet the assault of dreadful King Richard and +his men. + +On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having copiously +partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and advanced with +his host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus. Arthur de Pendennis +bore his banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on the King's right hand. +Molyneux, Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed crosier and mitre for that +day, and though fat and pursy, panted up the breach with the most +resolute spirit, roaring out war-cries and curses, and wielding a +prodigious mace of iron, with which he did good execution. Roger de +Backbite was forced to come in attendance upon the sovereign, but took +care to keep in the rear of his august master, and to shelter behind his +huge triangular shield as much as possible. Many lords of note followed +the King and bore the ladders; and as they were placed against the wall, +the air was perfectly dark with the shower of arrows which the French +archers poured out at the besiegers, and the cataract of stones, +kettles, bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery, umbrellas, +congreve-rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other missiles +which the desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party. The King +received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany +wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an +ox, and would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off +skilfully. Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them like +grass beneath the scythe of the mower. + +The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining round: the +King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount them. Chalus stood +in the breach, borrowing strength from despair; and roaring out, "Ha! +Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!" he dealt the King a crack across +the helmet with his battle-axe, which shore off the gilt lion and +crown that surmounted the steel cap. The King bent and reeled back; the +besiegers were dismayed; the garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a +shout of triumph: but it was premature. + +As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in tierce, +which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him through as +clean as a spit does a partridge. Uttering a horrid shriek, he fell +back writhing; the King recovering staggered up the parapet; the rush +of knights followed, and the union-jack was planted triumphantly on the +walls, just as Ivanhoe,--but we must leave him for a moment. + +"Ha, St. Richard!--ha, St. George!" the tremendous voice of the +Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset. At every sweep +of his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting trunk +tumbled, bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan. The world hath never +seen a warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet, as he raged +over the keep, his eyes flashing fire through the bars of his morion, +snorting and chafing with the hot lust of battle. One by one les enfans +de Chalus had fallen; there was only one left at last of all the brave +race that had fought round the gallant Count:--only one, and but a boy, +a fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed boy! he had been gathering pansies in the +fields but yesterday--it was but a few years, and he was a baby in his +mother's arms! What could his puny sword do against the most redoubted +blade in Christendom?--and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of +England, and met him foot to foot! Turn away, turn away, my dear young +friends and kind-hearted ladies! Do not look at that ill-fated poor boy! +his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the conqueror, and +the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . . + +"Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges," said Bertrand de Gourdon, "the +butcher will never strike down yonder lambling! Hold thy hand, Sir King, +or, by St. Barbacue--" + +Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his shoulder, +the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the next moment +crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet. + +'Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon! Maddened by the pain of the +wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish appetite +for blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and with a curse too +horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal butcher fell down +on the blond ringlets of the child, and the children of Chalus were no +more! . . . + + +I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT be +done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as in the +battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one of whose +works this present masterpiece is professedly a continuation, everything +passes off agreeably--the people are slain, but without any unpleasant +sensation to the reader; nay, some of the most savage and blood-stained +characters of history, such is the indomitable good-humor of the great +novelist, become amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a hearty +sympathy--so, if you please, we will have this fighting business at +Chalus, and the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon, disposed of; +the former, according to the usage of the good old times, having been +hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the manner +described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History. + +As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of +Bertrand de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero--and that from that +29th of March he never robbed nor murdered any more. And we have legends +in recondite books of the manner of the King's death. + +"You must die, my son," said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as +Berengaria was carried shrieking from the King's tent. "Repent, Sir +King, and separate yourself from your children!" + +"It is ill jesting with a dying man," replied the King. "Children have I +none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me." + +"Richard of England," said the archbishop, turning up his fine eyes, +"your vices are your children. Ambition is your eldest child, Cruelty +is your second child, Luxury is your third child; and you have nourished +them from your youth up. Separate yourself from these sinful ones, and +prepare your soul, for the hour of departure draweth nigh." + +Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England met +his death like a Christian man. Peace be to the soul of the brave! When +the news came to King Philip of France, he sternly forbade his courtiers +to rejoice at the death of his enemy. "It is no matter of joy but of +dolor," he said, "that the bulwark of Christendom and the bravest king +of Europe is no more." + + +Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left in the +act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus through the +body? + +As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse of +his fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a dagger into +his back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open (for Sir Wilfrid +had armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his breast, not his back, +that he was accustomed ordinarily to protect); and when poor Wamba came +up on the rampart, which he did when the fighting was over,--being +such a fool that he could not be got to thrust his head into danger for +glory's sake--he found his dear knight with the dagger in his back +lying without life upon the body of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon +slain. + +Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed! +How he lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend! What +mattered it to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to his tent, +and that Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive? At another time the sight +of this spectacle might have amused the simple knave; but now all his +thoughts were of his lord: so good, so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so +frank with the great, so tender to the poor, so truthful of speech, so +modest regarding his own merit, so true a gentleman, in a word, that +anybody might, with reason, deplore him. + +As Wamba opened the dear knight's corselet, he found a locket round +his neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my +Lady Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black, Wamba +thought, as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight had rescued +in the lists of Templestowe. A bit of Rowena's hair was in Sir Wilfrid's +possession, too; but that was in his purse along with his seal of arms, +and a couple of groats: for the good knight never kept any money, so +generous was he of his largesses when money came in. + +Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket of +hair round his master's neck, and when he returned to England never said +a word about the circumstance. After all, how should he know whose hair +it was? It might have been the knight's grandmother's hair for aught the +fool knew; so he kept his counsel when he brought back the sad news and +tokens to the disconsolate widow at Rotherwood. + +The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed sat +by it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when, seeing two +suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he fled in dismay, +supposing that they were marauders who were out searching for booty +among the dead bodies; and having not the least courage, he fled from +these, and tumbled down the breach, and never stopped running as fast as +his legs would carry him, until he reached the tent of his late beloved +master. + +The news of the knight's demise, it appeared, had been known at his +quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden off +on his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much as a +shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and blankets had been +carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants. Who had slain Ivanhoe? That +remains a mystery to the present day; but Roger de Backbite, whose nose +he had pulled for defamation, and who was behind him in the assault at +Chalus, was seen two years afterwards at the court of King John in +an embroidered velvet waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had +worked for Ivanhoe, and about which the widow would have made some +little noise, but that--but that she was no longer a widow. + +That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned, +for she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York could +supply, and erected a monument to his memory as big as a minster. But +she was a lady of such fine principles, that she did not allow her grief +to overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily arising for uniting the +two best Saxon families in England, by an alliance between herself +and the gentleman who offered himself to her, Rowena sacrificed her +inclination to remain single, to her sense of duty; and contracted a +second matrimonial engagement. + +That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with life, and +novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly natural and +edifying, can for a moment doubt. Cardinal Pandulfo tied the knot for +them: and lest there should be any doubt about Ivanhoe's death (for his +body was never sent home after all, nor seen after Wamba ran away from +it), his Eminence procured a Papal decree annulling the former marriage, +so that Rowena became Mrs. Athelstane with a clear conscience. And who +shall be surprised, if she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane +than with the gentle and melancholy Wilfrid? Did women never have a +predilection for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with +donkeys, before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania? Ah! Mary, +had you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack Bray, +when a Michael Angelo offered? Ah! Fanny, were you not a woman, would +you persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and comes home +tipsy from the Club? Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times more about tipsy +Athelstane than ever she had done for gentle Ivanhoe, and so great was +her infatuation about the former, that she would sit upon his knee in +the presence of all her maidens, and let him smoke his cigars in the +very drawing-room. + +This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who piqued +himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the death of her +late lord:-- + + Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus: + Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia + Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat: + Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit. + Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa, + Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani. + +And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of the +Latin lines: + + "REQUIESCAT. + + "Under the stone you behold, + Buried, and coffined, and cold, + Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold. + + "Always he marched in advance, + Warring in Flanders and France, + Doughty with sword and with lance. + + "Famous in Saracen fight, + Rode in his youth the good knight, + Scattering Paynims in flight. + + "Brian the Templar untrue, + Fairly in tourney he slew, + Saw Hierusalem too. + + "Now he is buried and gone, + Lying beneath the gray stone: + Where shall you find such a one? + + "Long time his widow deplored, + Weeping the fate of her lord, + Sadly cut off by the sword. + + "When she was eased of her pain, + Came the good Lord Athelstane, + When her ladyship married again." + +Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last +line, but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane +interceded; and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing. + + +CHAPTER IV. + +IVANHOE REDIVIVUS. + + +I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last +chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead. Because we have given +him an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons that he +should be really gone out of the world? No: as in the pantomime, when +we see Clown and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and cry over him, we are +always sure that Master Harlequin will be up at the next minute alert +and shining in his glistening coat; and, after giving a box on the ears +to the pair of them, will be taking a dance with Columbine, or leaping +gayly through the clock-face, or into the three-pair-of-stairs' +window:--so Sir Wilfrid, the Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be +run through a little, or may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly +rise up again when he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment. + +The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no +cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no other +than Ivanhoe's friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of his, who +visited the scene of the late battle in order to see if any Christians +still survived there, whom they might shrive and get ready for heaven, +or to whom they might possibly offer the benefit of their skill as +leeches. Both were prodigiously learned in the healing art; and had +about them those precious elixirs which so often occur in romances, and +with which patients are so miraculously restored. Abruptly dropping his +master's head from his lap as he fled, poor Wamba caused the knight's +pate to fall with rather a heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave +had but stayed a minute longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a +deep groan. But though the fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and +to recognize the gallant Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger +still sticking out of his back, to wash the wound with a portion of the +precious elixir, and to pour a little of it down his throat, was with +the excellent hermits the work of an instant: which remedies being +applied, one of the good men took the knight by the heels and the other +by the head, and bore him daintily from the castle to their hermitage in +a neighboring rock. As for the Count of Chalus, and the remainder of the +slain, the hermits were too much occupied with Ivanhoe's case to mind +them, and did not, it appears, give them any elixir: so that, if they +are really dead, they must stay on the rampart stark and cold; or if +otherwise, when the scene closes upon them as it does now, they may +get up, shake themselves, go to the slips and drink a pot of porter, or +change their stage-clothes and go home to supper. My dear readers, you +may settle the matter among yourselves as you like. If you wish to kill +the characters really off, let them be dead, and have done with them: +but, entre nous, I don't believe they are any more dead than you or I +are, and sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable of truth in +this whole story. + +Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits' cell, and there doctored by the +holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and dangerous +order, that he was under medical treatment for a very considerable time. +When he woke up from his delirium, and asked how long he had been ill, +fancy his astonishment when he heard that he had been in the fever for +six years! He thought the reverend fathers were joking at first, but +their profession forbade them from that sort of levity; and besides, +he could not possibly have got well any sooner, because the story would +have been sadly put out had he appeared earlier. And it proves how good +the fathers were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger +de Backbite's dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under +this great length of time; during the whole of which the fathers tended +him without ever thinking of a fee. I know of a kind physician in this +town who does as much sometimes; but I won't do him the ill service of +mentioning his name here. + +Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard, which by +this time hung down considerably below his knees, and calling for his +suit of chain-armor, which before had fitted his elegant person as tight +as wax, now put it on, and it bagged and hung so loosely about him, that +even the good friars laughed at his absurd appearance. It was impossible +that he should go about the country in such a garb as that: the very +boys would laugh at him: so the friars gave him one of their old gowns, +in which he disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell +of his friends, set forth on his return to his native country. As he +went along, he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that +Prince Arthur had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted with +various other facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock's Catechism +and the Historic Page. + +But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own private +affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him, and his +pilgrim's staff shook with emotion, as at length, after many perils, he +came in sight of his paternal mansion of Rotherwood, and saw once more +the chimneys smoking, the shadows of the oaks over the grass in the +sunset, and the rooks winging over the trees. He heard the supper +gong sounding: he knew his way to the door well enough; he entered the +familiar hall with a benedicite, and without any more words took his +place. + +***** + +You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled and his +shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself presently: +nor could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered his face. + +A little boy was playing on Athelstane's knee; Rowena smiling and +patting the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a huge +cup of spiced wine from a golden jug. He drained a quart of the liquor, +and, turning round, addressed the friar:-- + +"And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus by the +bolt of that felon bowman?" + +"We did, an it please you. The brothers of our house attended the good +King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian ending!" + +"And didst thou see the archer flayed alive? It must have been rare +sport," roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke. "How the fellow +must have howled!" + +"My love!" said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty white +finger on his lip. + +"I would have liked to see it too," cried the boy. + +"That's my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt. And, friar, didst +see my poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe? They say he fought well at +Chalus!" + +"My sweet lord," again interposed Rowena, "mention him not." + +"Why? Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore--when you could +not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?" + +"Those times are past now, dear Athelstane," said his affectionate wife, +looking up to the ceiling. + +"Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena." + +"The odious hussy! don't mention the name of the unbelieving creature," +exclaimed the lady. + +"Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad--a thought melancholy and milksop +though. Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains." + +"Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance," said the friar. "I have heard +there was none better in Christendom. He lay in our convent after his +wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died. He was buried in +our north cloister." + +"And there's an end of him," said Athelstane. "But come, this is dismal +talk. Where's Wamba the Jester? Let us have a song. Stir up, Wamba, and +don't lie like a dog in the fire! Sing us a song, thou crack-brained +jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones. Tush, man! There be many +good fellows left in this world." + +"There be buzzards in eagles' nests," Wamba said, who was lying +stretched before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane's dogs. +"There be dead men alive, and live men dead. There be merry songs and +dismal songs. Marry, and the merriest are the saddest sometimes. I will +leave off motley and wear black, gossip Athelstane. I will turn howler +at funerals, and then, perhaps, I shall be merry. Motley is fit for +mutes, and black for fools. Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is +as cracked as my brain." + +"Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating," the Thane said. + +And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side and +curled his lean shanks together and began:-- + + "LOVE AT TWO SCORE. + + "Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin, + That never has known the barber's shear, + All your aim is woman to win-- + This is the way that boys begin-- + Wait till you've come to forty year! + + "Curly gold locks cover foolish brains, + Billing and cooing is all your cheer, + Sighing and singing of midnight strains + Under Bonnybells' window-panes. + Wait till you've come to forty year! + + "Forty times over let Michaelmas pass, + Grizzling hair the brain doth clear; + Then you know a boy is an ass, + Then you know the worth of a lass, + Once you have come to forty year. + + "Pledge me round, I bid ye declare, + All good fellows whose beards are gray: + Did not the fairest of the fair + Common grow, and wearisome, ere + Ever a month was passed away? + + "The reddest lips that ever have kissed, + The brightest eyes that ever have shone, + May pray and whisper and we not list, + Or look away and never be missed, + Ere yet ever a month was gone. + + "Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier, + How I loved her twenty years syne! + Marian's married, but I sit here, + Alive and merry at forty year, + Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine." + +"Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?" roared +Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the chorus. + +"It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst, +that you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we +knew King Richard. Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good +priest." + +"They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love," +said Rowena. "His Majesty hath taken him into much favor. My Lord of +Huntingdon looked very well at the last ball; but I never could see any +beauty in the Countess--a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they used to +call Maid Marian: though, for the matter of that, what between her +flirtations with Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, really--" + +"Jealous again--haw! haw!" laughed Athelstane. + +"I am above jealousy, and scorn it," Rowena answered, drawing herself up +very majestically. + +"Well, well, Wamba's was a good song," Athelstane said. + +"Nay, a wicked song," said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. "What! +rail at woman's love? Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true wife? +Woman's love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it would be +a blasphemer were he not a fool. The well-born and well-nurtured +gentlewoman loves once and once only." + +"I pray you, madam, pardon me, I--I am not well," said the gray friar, +rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the steps of the +dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as he rose, and casting +his arms around the apparently fainting man, he led him away into the +court. "There be dead men alive and live men dead," whispered he. "There +be coffins to laugh at and marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth, holy +friar?" And when they had got out into the solitary court, which was +deserted by all the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the +drunken revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt +down, and kissing the friar's garment, said, "I knew thee, I knew thee, +my lord and my liege!" + +"Get up," said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate: "only +fools are faithful." + +And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay +buried. All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester lay +outside watching as mute as the saint over the porch. + + +When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the habit +of wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice was taken of +his absence by a master and mistress who had not much sense of humor. +As for Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of feelings could not be +expected to remain in a house where things so naturally disagreeable +to him were occurring, and he quitted Rotherwood incontinently, after +paying a dutiful visit to the tomb where his old father, Cedric, was +buried; and hastened on to York, at which city he made himself known to +the family attorney, a most respectable man, in whose hands his ready +money was deposited, and took up a sum sufficient to fit himself +out with credit, and a handsome retinue, as became a knight of +consideration. But he changed his name, wore a wig and spectacles, and +disguised himself entirely, so that it was impossible his friends or the +public should know him, and thus metamorphosed, went about whithersoever +his fancy led him. He was present at a public ball at York, which the +lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de Coverley in the very same set with +Rowena--(who was disgusted that Maid Marian took precedence of her)--he +saw little Athelstane overeat himself at the supper and pledge his big +father in a cup of sack; he met the Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary +meeting, where he seconded a resolution proposed by that eminent +divine;--in fine, he saw a score of his old acquaintances, none of whom +recognized in him the warrior of Palestine and Templestowe. Having a +large fortune and nothing to do, he went about this country performing +charities, slaying robbers, rescuing the distressed, and achieving noble +feats of arms. Dragons and giants existed in his day no more, or be +sure he would have had a fling at them: for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid +of Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life which the hermits of Chalus +had restored to him, and felt himself so friendless and solitary that he +would not have been sorry to come to an end of it. Ah, my dear friends +and intelligent British public, are there not others who are melancholy +under a mask of gayety, and who, in the midst of crowds, are lonely? +Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi had feelings; and there are +others I wot of:--but psha!--let us have the next chapter. + + +CHAPTER V. + +IVANHOE TO THE RESCUE. + + +The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of Richard of +the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his relatives, his +nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and set forth clearly in +the Historic Page: hence, although nothing, except perhaps success, can, +in my opinion, excuse disaffection to the sovereign, or appearance in +armed rebellion against him, the loyal reader will make allowance for +two of the principal personages of this narrative, who will have to +appear in the present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their +lord and king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the +fault of Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly +punished, as you shall presently hear,) that the monarch exasperated +his subjects in a variety of ways,--that before he murdered his royal +nephew, Prince Arthur, there was a great question whether he was the +rightful king of England at all,--that his behavior as an uncle, and +a family man, was likely to wound the feelings of any lady and +mother,--finally, that there were palliations for the conduct of Rowena +and Ivanhoe, which it now becomes our duty to relate. + +When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was one +of the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court at once, +and retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made use of by her, +and derogatory to the character of the sovereign, were carried to the +monarch's ears, by some of those parasites, doubtless, by whom it is +the curse of kings to be attended; and John swore, by St. Peter's teeth, +that he would be revenged upon the haughty Saxon lady,--a kind of oath +which, though he did not trouble himself about all other oaths, he was +never known to break. It was not for some years after he had registered +this vow, that he was enabled to keep it. + +Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his horrid +designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir Wilfrid would +have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe was, as we need +scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the custom and duty of all +gentlemen of that profession to be present on all occasions of historic +interest, to be engaged in all conspiracies, royal interviews, and +remarkable occurrences: and hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have +rescued the young Prince, had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of +Rouen, where the foul tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred +leagues off, at Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his +bed as crazy as a Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue +(which he had caught up during a previous illness in which he was tended +by a maiden of that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben Isaacs, of whom, +being a married man, he never would have thought, had he been in his +sound senses. During this delirium, what were politics to him, or he to +politics? King John or King Arthur was entirely indifferent to a man +who announced to his nurse-tenders, the good hermits of Chalus before +mentioned, that he was the Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry +Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. In a word, he only heard of what had +occurred when he reached England, and his senses were restored to him. +Whether was he happier, sound of brain and entirely miserable, (as any +man would be who found so admirable a wife as Rowena married again,) +or perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful Rebecca? I don't know +which he liked best. + +Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so thorough +a detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be brought to take +service under him; to get himself presented at St. James's, or in any +way to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, the authority of the +sanguinary successor of his beloved King Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of +Ivanhoe, I need scarcely say, who got the Barons of England to league +together and extort from the king that famous instrument and palladium +of our liberties at present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street, +Bloomsbury--the Magna Charta. His name does not naturally appear in the +list of Barons, because he was only a knight, and a knight in +disguise too: nor does Athelstane's signature figure on that document. +Athelstane, in the first place, could not write; nor did he care a +pennypiece about politics, so long as he could drink his wine at home +undisturbed, and have his hunting and shooting in quiet. + +It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of every +gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic Page that +this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into open rebellion, +along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. It is recorded of the +King, that he forbade every man to hunt his own deer; and, in order to +secure an obedience to his orders, this Herod of a monarch wanted to +secure the eldest sons of all the nobility and gentry, as hostages for +the good behavior of their parents. + +Athelstane was anxious about his game--Rowena was anxious about her +son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all Norman +tyrants--the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the ruffian who +had murdered his own nephew?* The speeches of both were brought to +the King at York; and, furious, he ordered an instant attack upon +Rotherwood, and that the lord and lady of that castle should be brought +before him dead or alive. + + *See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and + Pinnock's Catechism. + +Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to defend +the castle against the royal party? A few thrusts from his lance would +have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host: a few cuts from +his sword would have put John's forces to rout. But the lance and sword +of Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. "No, be hanged to me!" said the +knight, bitterly, "THIS is a quarrel in which I can't interfere. Common +politeness forbids. Let yonder ale-swilling Athelstane defend his--ha, +ha--WIFE; and my Lady Rowena guard her--ha, ha, ha--SON." And he laughed +wildly and madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked and gurgled +out the words "wife" and "son" would have made you shudder to hear. + +When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege, Athelstane +had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for good, and not to +come to life again as he had done before,) and that the widow (if so +the innocent bigamist may be called) was conducting the defence of +Rotherwood herself with the greatest intrepidity, showing herself upon +the walls with her little son, (who bellowed like a bull, and did +not like the fighting at all,) pointing the guns and encouraging the +garrison in every way--better feelings returned to the bosom of the +Knight of Ivanhoe, and summoning his men, he armed himself quickly and +determined to go forth to the rescue. + +He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the direction of +Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for refreshment, indeed, +that his men dropped one by one upon the road, and he arrived alone at +the lodge-gate of the park. The windows were smashed; the door stove +in; the lodge, a neat little Swiss cottage, with a garden where the +pinafores of Mrs. Gurth's children might have been seen hanging on the +gooseberry-bushes in more peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap +of smoking ruins: cottage, bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled +together, destroyed by the licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch! +Far be it from me to excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to +their sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared. + +Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and expiring +at the flaming and violated threshold of his lately picturesque home. A +catapult and a couple of mangonels had done his business. The faithful +fellow, recognizing his master, who had put up his visor and forgotten +his wig and spectacles in the agitation of the moment, exclaimed, "Sir +Wilfrid! my dear master--praised be St. Waltheof--there may be yet +time--my beloved mistr--master Athelst . . ." He sank back, and never +spoke again. + +Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue. The +castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the besiegers +were pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane's banner, the bull +rampant, was still on the northern bartizan. "An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!" +he bellowed out, with a shout that overcame all the din of battle: +"Nostre Dame a la rescousse!" And to hurl his lance through the midriff +of Reginald de Bracy, who was commanding the assault--who fell howling +with anguish--to wave his battle-axe over his own head, and cut off +those of thirteen men-at-arms, was the work of an instant. "An Ivanhoe, +an Ivanhoe!" he still shouted, and down went a man as sure as he said +"hoe!" + +"Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!" a shrill voice cried from the top of the northern +bartizan. Ivanhoe knew it. + +"Rowena my love, I come!" he roared on his part. "Villains! touch but a +hair of her head, and I . . ." + +Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang forward +wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and over upon the +knight. All was dark before him; his brain reeled; it whizzed; something +came crashing down on his forehead. St. Waltheof and all the saints of +the Saxon calendar protect the knight! . . . + +When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances were +leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit's elixir. "We arrived here +the day after the battle," said the fool; "marry, I have a knack of +that." + +"Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with your +worship," said the lieutenant. + +"The day--after--the bat--" groaned Ivanhoe. "Where is the Lady Rowena?" + +"The castle has been taken and sacked," the lieutenant said, and pointed +to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of smoking ruins. +Not a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not a single human being! +Everything was flame and ruin, smash and murther! + +Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven +men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had applied +a second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he came to life +again. The good knight was, however, from long practice, so accustomed +to the severest wounds, that he bore them far more easily than common +folk, and thus was enabled to reach York upon a litter, which his men +constructed for him, with tolerable ease. + +Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel where +he stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at Rotherwood. A +minute or two after his horse was stabbed, and Ivanhoe knocked down, the +western bartizan was taken by the storming-party which invested it, and +every soul slain, except Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon +horses and carried away, under a secure guard, to one of the King's +castles--nobody knew whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the +hotel-keeper (whose house he had used in former times) to reassume his +wig and spectacles, and not call himself by his own name any more, lest +some of the King's people should lay hands on him. However, as he had +killed everybody round about him, there was but little danger of his +discovery; and the Knight of the Spectacles, as he was called, went +about York quite unmolested, and at liberty to attend to his own +affairs. + +We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero's +existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection, and +the description of mere sentiment is considered by many well-informed +persons to be tedious. What WERE his sentiments now, it may be asked, +under the peculiar position in which he found himself? He had done his +duty by Rowena, certainly: no man could say otherwise. But as for being +in love with her any more, after what had occurred, that was a different +question. Well, come what would, he was determined still to continue +doing his duty by her;--but as she was whisked away the deuce knew +whither, how could he do anything? So he resigned himself to the fact +that she was thus whisked away. + +He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to find out +where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of intelligence; +and it was remarked, that he still remained in a perfect state of +resignation. He remained in this condition for a year, or more; and +it was said that he was becoming more cheerful, and he certainly was +growing rather fat. The Knight of the Spectacles was voted an agreeable +man in a grave way; and gave some very elegant, though quiet, parties, +and was received in the best society of York. + +It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived, and +the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney, whom we +have mentioned as Sir Wilfrid's man of business, and a most respectable +man, called upon his gallant client at his lodgings, and said he had a +communication of importance to make. Having to communicate with a +client of rank, who was condemned to be hanged for forgery, Sir Roger +de Backbite, the attorney said, he had been to visit that party in the +condemned cell; and on the way through the yard, and through the bars of +another cell, had seen and recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid +of Ivanhoe--and the lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a note, +written on a piece of whity-brown paper. + +What were Ivanhoe's sensations when he recognized the handwriting of +Rowena!--he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as follows:-- + + +"MY DEAREST IVANHOE,--For I am thine now as erst, and my first love was +ever--ever dear to me. Have I been near thee dying for a whole year, +and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena? Have ye given to +others--I mention not their name nor their odious creed--the heart that +ought to be mine? I send thee my forgiveness from my dying pallet of +straw.--I forgive thee the insults I have received, the cold and hunger +I have endured, the failing health of my boy, the bitterness of my +prison, thy infatuation about that Jewess, which made our married life +miserable, and which caused thee, I am sure, to go abroad to look after +her. I forgive thee all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee farewell. Mr. +Smith hath gained over my gaoler--he will tell thee how I may see thee. +Come and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt care for my +boy--HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent) combating by +the side of ROWENA." + + +The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe was +likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he inquired of Mr. +Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that gentleman had devised +for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was informed that he was to get +a barrister's gown and wig, when the gaoler would introduce him into the +interior of the prison. These decorations, knowing several gentlemen of +the Northern Circuit, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with +feelings of no small trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space +of a year, poor Rowena had been immured. + +If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical +exactness of this narrative, I refer him to the "Biographie Universelle" +(article Jean sans Terre), which says, "La femme d'un baron auquel on +vint demander son fils, repondit, 'Le roi pense-t-il que je confierai +mon fils a un homme qui a egorge son neveu de sa propre main?' Jean +fit enlever la mere et l'enfant, et la laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les +cachots." + +I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing this +disagreeable sentence. All her virtues, her resolution, her chaste +energy and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and, for the first +time since the commencement of the history, I feel that I am partially +reconciled to her. The weary year passes--she grows weaker and more +languid, thinner and thinner! At length Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a +barrister of the Northern Circuit, is introduced to her cell, and finds +his lady in the last stage of exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon, +with her little boy in her arms. She has preserved his life at the +expense of her own, giving him the whole of the pittance which her +gaolers allowed her, and perishing herself of inanition. + +There is a scene! I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with this +lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing her with +so sublime a death-bed. Fancy Ivanhoe's entrance--their recognition--the +faint blush upon her worn features--the pathetic way in which she gives +little Cedric in charge to him, and his promises of protection. + +"Wilfrid, my early loved," slowly gasped she, removing her gray hair +from her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as he nestled +on Ivanhoe's knee--"promise me, by St. Waltheof of Templestowe--promise +me one boon!" + +"I do," said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that +little innocent the promise was intended to apply. + +"By St. Waltheof?" + +"By St. Waltheof!" + +"Promise me, then," gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, "that you +never will marry a Jewess?" + +"By St. Waltheof," cried Ivanhoe, "this is too much, Rowena!"--But he +felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the pale +lips ceased to quiver--she was no more! + + +CHAPTER VI. + +IVANHOE THE WIDOWER. + + +Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in +Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe +quitted a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in which +his stay was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that King John +would hang him, if ever he could lay hands on the faithful follower of +King Richard and Prince Arthur. + +But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a brave and +pious knight. A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched field against +the Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned infidel, or a road +to Paradise carved out by his scimitar,--these were the height of the +ambition of good and religious warriors; and so renowned a champion as +Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was sure to be well received wherever blows were +stricken for the cause of Christendom. Even among the dark Templars, +he who had twice overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a +respected though not a welcome guest: but among the opposition company +of the Knights of St. John, he was admired and courted beyond measure; +and always affectioning that Order, which offered him, indeed, its first +rank and commanderies, he did much good service; fighting in their ranks +for the glory of heaven and St. Waltheof, and slaying many thousands of +the heathen in Prussia, Poland, and those savage Northern countries. The +only fault that the great and gallant, though severe and ascetic Folko +of Heydenbraten, the chief of the Order of St. John, found with the +melancholy warrior, whose lance did such good service to the cause, was, +that he did not persecute the Jews as so religious a knight should. He +let off sundry captives of that persuasion whom he had taken with his +sword and his spear, saved others from torture, and actually ransomed +the two last grinders of a venerable rabbi (that Roger de Cartright, +an English knight of the Order, was about to extort from the elderly +Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal ring, which were all the +property he possessed. Whenever he so ransomed or benefited one of this +religion, he would moreover give them a little token or a message (were +the good knight out of money), saying, "Take this token, and remember +this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited, for the services whilome +rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac of York!" So among +themselves, and in their meetings and synagogues, and in their restless +travels from land to land, when they of Jewry cursed and reviled all +Christians, as such abominable heathens will, they nevertheless excepted +the name of the Desdichado, or the doubly-disinherited as he now was, +the Desdichado-Doblado. + +The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir +Wilfrid took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping off +one heathen's head with an axe must be very like the decapitation of any +other unbeliever. Suffice it to say, that wherever this kind of work was +to be done, and Sir Wilfrid was in the way, he was the man to perform +it. It would astonish you were you to see the account that Wamba kept of +his master's achievements, and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians, +slain or maimed by his hand. And as, in those days, a reputation for +valor had an immense effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even +the ugliest man, were he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by +Beauty: so Ivanhoe, who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming +rather elderly, made conquests over female breasts as well as over +Saracens, and had more than one direct offer of marriage made to him +by princesses, countesses, and noble ladies possessing both charms and +money, which they were anxious to place at the disposal of a champion so +renowned. It is related that the Duchess Regent of Kartoffelberg offered +him her hand, and the ducal crown of Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued +from the unbelieving Prussians; but Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess's offer, +by riding away from her capital secretly at midnight and hiding himself +in a convent of Knights Hospitallers on the borders of Poland. And it +is a fact that the Princess Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most +lovely woman of her time, became so frantically attached to him, that +she followed him on a campaign, and was discovered with his baggage +disguised as a horse-boy. But no princess, no beauty, no female +blandishments had any charms for Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more +austere celibacy. The severity of his morals contrasted so remarkably +with the lax and dissolute manner of the young lords and nobles in the +courts which he frequented, that these young springalds would sometimes +sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but his courage in the day of +battle was so terrible and admirable, that I promise you the youthful +libertines did not sneer THEN; and the most reckless of them often +turned pale when they couched their lances to follow Ivanhoe. Holy +Waltheof! it was an awful sight to see him with his pale calm face, his +shield upon his breast, his heavy lance before him, charging a squadron +of heathen Bohemians, or a regiment of Cossacks! Wherever he saw the +enemy, Ivanhoe assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him, and +said if he attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army, +he would be slain, "And suppose I be?" he answered, giving them +to understand that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over +altogether. + + +While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was +carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen the +good cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians had met +with such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors as had never +been known in the proudest day of Saladin. + +Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is known +all over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle of Alarcos, +gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz, on which fatal day +Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it was feared the Spanish +peninsula would be entirely wrested away from the dominion of the +Cross. On that day the Franks lost 150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners. +A man-slave sold among the unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for +the same; a sword, half a dirhem; a horse, five dirhems. Hundreds of +thousands of these various sorts of booty were in the possession of the +triumphant followers of Yakoobal-Mansoor. Curses on his head! But he +was a brave warrior, and the Christians before him seemed to forget +that they were the descendants of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the +Moorish hounds (in their jargon) denominated the famous Campeador. + +A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain--a crusade +against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout Europe +by all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands of valorous +knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets and vassals of +the lower sort, trooped from all sides to the rescue. The Straits of +Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor, passing from Barbary, first +planted his accursed foot on the Christian soil, were crowded with the +galleys of the Templars and the Knights of St. John, who flung succors +into the menaced kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed +with their ships hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and +Byzantium, from Jaffa and Ascalon. The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons +and glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into +Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia, where +Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the news of the +defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians, Ivanhoe landed +at Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors forthwith. + +He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of +Heydenbraten, the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the +venerable Baldomero de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned order of +Saint Jago. The chief of Saint Jago's knights paid the greatest respect +to a warrior whose fame was already so widely known in Christendom; and +Ivanhoe had the pleasure of being appointed to all the posts of danger +and forlorn hopes that could be devised in his honor. He would be called +up twice or thrice in a night to fight the Moors: he led ambushes, +scaled breaches, was blown up by mines; was wounded many hundred times +(recovering, thanks to the elixir, of which Wamba always carried a +supply); he was the terror of the Saracens, and the admiration and +wonder of the Christians. + +To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day's battle was +like that of another. I am not writing in ten volumes like Monsieur +Alexandre Dumas, or even in three like other great authors. We have no +room for the recounting of Sir Wilfrid's deeds of valor. Whenever he +took a Moorish town, it was remarked, that he went anxiously into the +Jewish quarter, and inquired amongst the Hebrews, who were in great +numbers in Spain, for Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac. Many Jews, +according to his wont, he ransomed, and created so much scandal by this +proceeding, and by the manifest favor which he showed to the people of +that nation, that the Master of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and +it is probable he would have been cast into the Inquisition and +roasted, but that his prodigious valor and success against the Moors +counterbalanced his heretical partiality for the children of Jacob. + +It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona +in Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and +slaying, with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and +several hundred more of its unbelieving defenders. He had very nearly +done for the Alfaqui, or governor--a veteran warrior with a crooked +scimitar and a beard as white as snow--but a couple of hundred of the +Alfaqui's bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe and their chief, +and the old fellow escaped with his life, leaving a handful of his beard +in the grasp of the English knight. The strictly military business being +done, and such of the garrison as did not escape put, as by right, to +the sword, the good knight, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part +in the proceedings of the conquerors of that ill-fated place. A scene +of horrible massacre and frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian +warriors, hot with victory and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be +feared, as savage in their hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies +had been. + +Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious Knight of +Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y Espelon. +Raging through the vanquished city like a demon, he slaughtered +indiscriminately all those infidels of both sexes whose wealth did not +tempt him to a ransom, or whose beauty did not reserve them for more +frightful calamities than death. The slaughter over, Don Beltran took +up his quarters in the Albaycen, where the Alfaqui had lived who had so +narrowly escaped the sword of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure, +the slaves, and the family of the fugitive chieftain, were left in +possession of the conqueror of Xixona. Among the treasures, Don Beltran +recognized with a savage joy the coat-armors and ornaments of many brave +and unfortunate companions-in-arms who had fallen in the fatal battle +of Alarcos. The sight of those bloody relics added fury to his cruel +disposition, and served to steel a heart already but little disposed to +sentiments of mercy. + +Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was +seated in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui, lying +in his divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains playing in the +centre, the slaves of the Moor ministering to his scarred and rugged +Christian conqueror. Some fanned him with peacocks' pinions, some danced +before him, some sang Moor's melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla, +one--it was the only daughter of the Moor's old age, the young Zutulbe, +a rosebud of beauty--sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping +for her slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were +blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for her +father, whose home had been thus made desolate. + +He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at chess, +a favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a messenger +was announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for the ransom of +the remaining part of the Alfaqui's family. A grim smile lighted up Don +Beltran's features as he bade the black slave admit the messenger. He +entered. By his costume it was at once seen that the bearer of the +flag of truce was a Jew--the people were employed continually then as +ambassadors between the two races at war in Spain. + +"I come," said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid start), +"from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible Don Beltran +de Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor's only daughter, the +child of his old age and the pearl of his affection." + +"A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew. What does the Moorish dog bid for +her?" asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly. + +"The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their +caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and rubies to +the amount of 1,000,000 dinars." + +"Ho, slaves!" roared Don Beltran, "show the Jew my treasury of gold. How +many hundred thousand pieces are there?" And ten enormous chests were +produced in which the accountant counted 1,000 bags of 1,000 dirhems +each, and displayed several caskets of jewels containing such a treasure +of rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and jacinths, as made the eyes of the +aged ambassador twinkle with avarice. + +"How many horses are there in my stable?" continued Don Beltran; +and Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully +caparisoned; and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for as +many cavaliers, who followed the banner of this doughty captain. + +"I want neither money nor armor," said the ferocious knight; "tell this +to the Alfaqui, Jew. And I will keep the child, his daughter, to serve +the messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my scullions." + +"Deprive not the old man of his child," here interposed the Knight +of Ivanhoe; "bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant in +years." + +"She is my captive, Sir Knight," replied the surly Don Beltran; "I will +do with my own as becomes me." + +"Take 200,000 dirhems," cried the Jew; "more!--anything! The Alfaqui +will give his life for his child!" + +"Come hither, Zutulbe!--come hither, thou Moorish pearl!" yelled +the ferocious warrior; "come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of +heathenesse! Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?" + +"There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers slew +the Christian dogs!" said the proud young girl, looking boldly at Don +Beltran, who foamed with rage. + +"The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in our +castle of Murcia," Beltran said. + +"Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!" cried the +high-spirited girl. + +"By Saint Jago, this is too much!" screamed the infuriated nobleman; and +the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden fell to the ground +with Don Beltran's dagger in her side. + +"Death is better than dishonor!" cried the child, rolling on the +blood-stained marble pavement. "I--I spit upon thee, dog of a +Christian!" and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back and +died. + +"Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui," howled the Don, spurning the +beauteous corpse with his foot. "I would not have ransomed her for all +the gold in Barbary!" And shuddering, the old Jew left the apartment, +which Ivanhoe quitted likewise. + +When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew, "Isaac of +York, dost thou not know me?" and threw back his hood, and looked at the +old man. + +The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand, then +started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his withered +hands over his face, said, with a burst of grief, "Sir Wilfrid of +Ivanhoe!--no, no!--I do not know thee!" + +"Holy mother! what has chanced?" said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming +ghastly pale; "where is thy daughter--where is Rebecca?" + +"Away from me!" said the old Jew, tottering. "Away Rebecca is--dead!" + +***** + +When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell to +the ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly distraught +with grief. He took no nourishment and uttered no word. For weeks he +did not relapse out of his moody silence, and when he came partially to +himself again, it was to bid his people to horse, in a hollow voice, and +to make a foray against the Moors. Day after day he issued out against +these infidels, and did nought but slay and slay. He took no plunder +as other knights did, but left that to his followers; he uttered no +war-cry, as was the manner of chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch +that the "silent knight" became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada +and Andalusia, and more fell by his lance than by that of any the most +clamorous captains of the troops in arms against them. Thus the tide of +battle turned, and the Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at +the great battle of Al Akab, called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the +Christians retrieved their defeat at Alarcos, and absolutely killed +half a milllion of Mahometans. Fifty thousand of these, of course, Don +Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it was remarked that the melancholy +warrior seemed somewhat more easy in spirits after that famous feat of +arms. + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE. + + +In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off +so many of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants poured +continual reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could make no +head against the Christian forces, and in fact came into battle quite +discouraged at the notion of meeting the dreadful silent knight. It was +commonly believed amongst them, that the famous Malek Ric, Richard +of England, the conqueror of Saladin, had come to life again, and was +battling in the Spanish hosts--that this, his second life, was a +charmed one, and his body inaccessible to blow of scimitar or thrust of +spear--that after battle he ate the hearts and drank the blood of +many young Moors for his supper: a thousand wild legends were told of +Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the Morisco warriors came half vanquished into +the field, and fell an easy prey to the Spaniards, who cut away among +them without mercy. And although none of the Spanish historians whom +I have consulted make mention of Sir Wilfrid as the real author of the +numerous triumphs which now graced the arms of the good cause, this is +not in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that has always been +notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their debts of +gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes histories +of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making the +slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the part +taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction. Well, it must be confessed, +on the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers' feats in those +campaigns: but this is not the subject at present under consideration. + +To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers, that +the monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily enabled to +besiege the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which the Moors had in +his dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of those infidels +under the command of their King Aboo Abdallah Mahommed, son of +Yakoobal-Mansoor. The Arabian historian El Makary gives a full account +of the military precautions taken by Aboo Abdallah to defend his city; +but as I do not wish to make a parade of my learning, or to write a +costume novel, I shall pretermit any description of the city under its +Moorish governors. + +Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls great +store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always protected by the +Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and who were, as we very +well know, the chief physicians, the chief bankers, the chief statesmen, +the chief artists and musicians, the chief everything, under the Moorish +kings. Thus it is not surprising that the Hebrews, having their money, +their liberty, their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan +domination, should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath +which they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits. + +Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite--no +other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with +his daughter, soon after Ivanhoe's marriage, in the third volume of the +first part of this history. Isaac was respected by his people for +the money which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable good +qualities, her beauty, her charities, and her remarkable medical skill. + +The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that though +she was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to marry her, +and install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of York would not +have objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages were not uncommon +between the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but Rebecca firmly yet +respectfully declined the proposals of the prince, saying that it was +impossible she should unite herself with a man of a creed different to +her own. + +Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this +chance of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed +among his people for a very strict character, and there were in his +family several rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct, the +old gentleman was silenced by this objection of Rebecca's, and the young +lady herself applauded by her relatives for her resolute behavior. She +took their congratulations in a very frigid manner, and said that it was +her wish not to marry at all, but to devote herself to the practice of +medicine altogether, and to helping the sick and needy of her people. +Indeed, although she did not go to any public meetings, she was as +benevolent a creature as the world ever saw: the poor blessed her +wherever they knew her, and many benefited by her who guessed not whence +her gentle bounty came. + +But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even heard, +appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of both, that all +the most desirable bachelors of the people were ready to bid for her. +Ambassadors came from all quarters to propose for her. Her own uncle, +the venerable Ben Solomons, with a beard as long as a cashmere goat's, +and a reputation for learning and piety which still lives in his nation, +quarrelled with his son Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of +Trebizond, and his son Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each +putting in a claim for their cousin. Ben Minories came from London +and knelt at her feet; Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to +dazzle her with the latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben +Jonah brought her a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come +back and be Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague. + +Rebecca temporized as best she might. She thought her uncle was too old. +She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel with each other, +and offend their father by pressing their suit. Ben Minories from +London, she said, was too young, and Jochanan from Paris, she pointed +out to Isaac of York, must be a spendthrift, or he would not wear those +absurd waistcoats. As for Ben Jonah, she said, she could not bear the +notion of tobacco and Dutch herrings: she wished to stay with her papa, +her dear papa. In fine, she invented a thousand excuses for delay, and +it was plain that marriage was odious to her. The only man whom she +received with anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with +whom she was very familiar. But Bevis had come to her with a certain +token that had been given to him by an English knight, who saved him +from a fagot to which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten +was about to condemn him. It was but a ring, with an emerald in it, that +Bevis knew to be sham, and not worth a groat. Rebecca knew about the +value of jewels too; but ah! she valued this one more than all the +diamonds in Prester John's turban. She kissed it; she cried over it; +she wore it in her bosom always and when she knelt down at night and +morning, she held it between her folded hands on her neck. . . . Young +Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than the others; the rascal +sold to the King of France a handsome ruby, the very size of the bit of +glass in Rebecca's ring; but he always said he would rather have had her +than ten thousand pounds: and very likely he would, for it was known she +would at once have a plum to her fortune. + +These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great +family meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered to +choose a husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts pointing +out the great kindness which had been shown to her by her father, +in permitting her to choose for herself. One aunt was of the Solomon +faction, another aunt took Simeon's side, a third most venerable old +lady--the head of the family, and a hundred and forty-four years of +age--was ready to pronounce a curse upon her, and cast her out, unless +she married before the month was over. All the jewelled heads of all the +old ladies in council, all the beards of all the family, wagged against +her: it must have been an awful sight to witness. + +At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak. "Kinsmen!" she said, turning +pale, "when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I told you I +would not wed but with one of my own faith." + +"She has turned Turk," screamed out the ladies. "She wants to be a +princess, and has turned Turk," roared the rabbis. + +"Well, well," said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, "let us hear what +the poor girl has got to say. Do you want to marry his royal highness, +Rebecca? Say the word, yes or no." + +Another groan burst from the rabbis--they cried, shrieked, chattered, +gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the women, that she +should reign over them a second Esther. + +"Silence," cried out Isaac; "let the girl speak. Speak boldly, Rebecca +dear, there's a good girl." + +Rebecca was as pale as a stone. She folded her arms on her breast, and +felt the ring there. She looked round all the assembly, and then at +Isaac. "Father," she said, in a thrilling low steady voice, "I am not of +your religion--I am not of the Prince Boabdil's religion--I--I am of HIS +religion." + +"His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?" cried Isaac. + +Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round with +dauntless eyes. "Of his," she said, "who saved my life and your honor: +of my dear, dear champion's. I never can be his, but I will be no +other's. Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they long for. Take the +dross, Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan, and divide it among you, +and leave me. I will never be yours, I tell you, never. Do you think, +after knowing him and hearing him speak,--after watching him wounded on +his pillow, and glorious in battle" (her eyes melted and kindled again +as she spoke these words), "I can mate with such as you? Go. Leave me +to myself. I am none of yours. I love him--I love him. Fate divides +us--long, long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again. +But I love and bless him always. Yes, always. My prayers are his; my +faith is his. Yes, my faith is your faith, Wilfrid--Wilfrid! I have no +kindred more,--I am a Christian!" + +At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my feeble pen +would in vain endeavor to depict. Old Isaac staggered back in a fit, +and nobody took the least notice of him. Groans, curses, yells of men, +shrieks of women, filled the room with such a furious jabbering, as +might have appalled any heart less stout than Rebecca's; but that brave +woman was prepared for all; expecting, and perhaps hoping, that death +would be her instant lot. There was but one creature who pitied her, and +that was her cousin and father's clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but +thirteen, and had only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and +boo-hooing, as she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and +maledictions of the elder Israelites. Ben Davids was madly in love with +his cousin (as boys often are with ladies of twice their age), and he +had presence of mind suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp on the +table, which illuminated the angry conclave; then, whispering to Rebecca +to go up to her own room and lock herself in, or they would kill her +else, he took her hand and led her out. + +From that day she disappeared from among her people. The poor and the +wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain. Had any violence been +done to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put all Isaac's family +to death; and besides, her old flame, Prince Boabdil, would have also +been exceedingly wrathful. She was not killed then, but, so to speak, +buried alive, and locked up in Isaac's back-kitchen: an apartment into +which scarcely any light entered, and where she was fed upon scanty +portions of the most mouldy bread and water. Little Ben Davids was the +only person who visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to +him about Ivanhoe, and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how +true; and how he slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and how +he married a lady whom Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him, but with +whom she prayed he might be happy; and of what color his eyes were, and +what were the arms on his shield--viz, a tree with the word "Desdichado" +written underneath, &c. &c. &c.: all which talk would not have +interested little Davids, had it come from anybody else's mouth, but to +which he never tired of listening as it fell from her sweet lips. + +So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don Beltran +de Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui's daughter of Xixona, our +dearest Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it was in his rage +and fury against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that cavalier the falsehood +which caused the knight so much pain and such a prodigious deal of +bloodshed to the Moors: and who knows, trivial as it may seem, whether +it was not that very circumstance which caused the destruction in Spain +of the Moorish power? + +Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that Ivanhoe +had cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it from his +employer; and he saved Rebecca's life by communicating the intelligence, +for the poor thing would have infallibly perished but for this good +news. She had now been in prison four years three months and twenty-four +days, during which time she had partaken of nothing but bread and water +(except such occasional tit-bits as Davids could bring her--and these +were few indeed; for old Isaac was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had +more than a pair of eggs for his own and Davids' dinner); and she was +languishing away, when the news came suddenly to revive her. Then, +though in the darkness you could not see her cheeks, they began to +bloom again: then her heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and +she kissed the ring on her neck a thousand times a day at least; and +her constant question was, "Ben Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to +besiege Valencia?" She knew he would come: and, indeed, the Christians +were encamped before the town ere a month was over. + +***** + +And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that +dark scene of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat, painted +stone-color, that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of light flashing +out, as though they were preparing a most brilliant, gorgeous, and +altogether dazzling illumination, with effects never before attempted on +any stage. Yes, the fairy in the pretty pink tights and spangled +muslin is getting into the brilliant revolving chariot of the realms of +bliss.--Yes, most of the fiddlers and trumpeters have gone round from +the orchestra to join in the grand triumphal procession, where the whole +strength of the company is already assembled, arrayed in costumes of +Moorish and Christian chivalry, to celebrate the "Terrible Escalade," +the "Rescue of Virtuous Innocence"--the "Grand Entry of the Christians +into Valencia"--"Appearance of the Fairy Day-Star," and "Unexampled +displays of pyrotechnic festivity." Do you not, I say, perceive that we +are come to the end of our history; and, after a quantity of rapid and +terrific fighting, brilliant change of scenery, and songs, appropriate +or otherwise, are bringing our hero and heroine together? Who wants a +long scene at the last? Mammas are putting the girls' cloaks and boas +on; papas have gone out to look for the carriage, and left the +box-door swinging open, and letting in the cold air: if there WERE any +stage-conversation, you could not hear it, for the scuffling of the +people who are leaving the pit. See, the orange-women are preparing to +retire. To-morrow their play-bills will be as so much waste-paper--so +will some of our masterpieces, woe is me: but lo! here we come to Scene +the last, and Valencia is besieged and captured by the Christians. + + +Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard of +the Prophet? Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d'ye-call'im, +just as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de Cuchillay &c.? +Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks of the inhabitants +who are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and by a little boy by the +name of Ben Davids, who recognizes the knight by his shield, finds Isaac +of York egorge on a threshold, and clasping a large back-kitchen key? +Who but Ivanhoe--who but Wilfrid? "An Ivanhoe to the rescue," he bellows +out; he has heard that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing. +And who is it that comes out of the house--trembling--panting--with +her arms out--in a white dress--with her hair down--who is it but dear +Rebecca? Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving an immense +banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with a ham, which +he happens to have in his pocket. . . . As for Rebecca, now her head +is laid upon Ivanhoe's heart, I shall not ask to hear what she is +whispering, or describe further that scene of meeting; though I declare +I am quite affected when I think of it. Indeed I have thought of it +any time these five-and-twenty years--ever since, as a boy at school, I +commenced the noble study of novels--ever since the day when, lying on +sunny slopes of half-holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and beautiful +shapes of knights and ladies were visible to me--ever since I grew to +love Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet's fancy, and longed to +see her righted. + +That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena's +promise extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess, and a +better Christian than Rebecca now was never said her catechism. Married +I am sure they were, and adopted little Cedric; but I don't think they +had any other children, or were subsequently very boisterously happy. Of +some sort of happiness melancholy is a characteristic, and I think these +were a solemn pair, and died rather early. + + + + +THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. + +[FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.] + + +CHAPTER I. + + +It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular than +those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of France was +battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal claims, merits, +bravery, and popularity. First in the list we place--His Royal Highness +Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son +of Louis XVI. The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate +parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that place of +confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the ruffians who guarded +him had caused the young Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the +cocked-hat of the Representative, Roederer. It is well known that, +in the troublous revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a +considerable size. + +He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined there +for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping thence +to England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from political +hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not be +confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim to be children +of the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution. + +The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. In the year 1843 +he held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a forgotten +district of London, called Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France +flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant of +the throne; and some of the chiefs of the British nobility--among whom +may be reckoned the celebrated and chivalrous Duke of Jenkins--aided the +adventurous young Prince with their counsels, their wealth, and their +valor. + +The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas +Napoleon--a fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some +to be a Prince of the House of Gomersal. He argued justly that, as the +immediate relatives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete +for the crown which was their right, he, Prince John Thomas, being next +in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the vacant imperial throne. And +in support of his claim, he appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and +the strength of his good sword. + +His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious +wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired +to wrest from him. It does not appear that the sagacious monarch was +esteemed by his subjects, as such a prince should have been esteemed. +The light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary than +otherwise of his sway. They were not in the least attached to his +amiable family, for whom his Majesty with characteristic thrift had +endeavored to procure satisfactory allowances. And the leading statesmen +of the country, whom his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of +entertaining any but feelings of loyalty towards his house and person. + +It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe (now +nearly a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns, was called +upon to defend his crown. + +The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and +twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each--provisioned for a +considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were, +upon the palace of the Tuileries. Thus, should the mob attack it, as in +August 1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in +an hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign invasion. +Another defence against the foreigners was the state of the roads. Since +the English companies had retired, half a mile only of railroad had been +completed in France, and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe +now are, to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye'd to +death before they could have marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the +Alpine, or the Pyrenean frontier upon the capital of France. The French +people, however, were indignant at this defect of communication in their +territory, and said, without the least show of reason, that they would +have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions +of francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should have +been laid out in a more peaceful manner. However, behind his forts, the +King lay secure. + +As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the strange +events of the period, the actions, the passions of individuals and +parties engaged, we cannot better describe them than by referring to +contemporary documents, of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the +present day to read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal des +Debats the accounts of the strange scenes which took place. + +The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court of the Tuileries had +been extremely gay. The three-and-twenty youngest Princes of England, +sons of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence; +the Emperor of Russia and family had paid their accustomed visit; and +the King of the Belgians had, as usual, made his visit to his royal +father-in-law, under pretence of duty and pleasure, but really to demand +payment of the Queen of the Belgians' dowry, which Louis Philippe of +Orleans still resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought that +in the midst of such festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of +such quiet, rebellion? + +Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this +repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to the +throne of Louis XVI. + +But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same journal +contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious import; in +which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was easy to see the +Government alarm. + +On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a +paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so +absurd did its contents seem. It ran as follows:-- + +"ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.! A letter from Calais tells us that a strange +personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we believe) has been +giving himself out to be the son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is +the twenty-fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his +father was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his pretensions, the +poor creature is said to be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one +or two old women, who declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he +does not make any attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but +waits until heaven shall conduct him to it. + +"If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his quarters +in the palace of Charenton. + +"We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been afloat +(among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the metropolis), +that a notorious personage--why should we hesitate to mention the name +of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?--has entered France with culpable +intentions, and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of this morning, +however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A pretender is on our shores; +an armed assassin is threatening our peaceful liberties; a wandering, +homeless cut-throat is robbing on our highways; and the punishment of +his crime awaits him. Let no considerations of the past defer that just +punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to provide for THE FUTURE. +Let the full powers of the law be brought against him, aided by the +stern justice of the public force. Let him be tracked, like a wild +beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has, +ere this, been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been +distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale-houses and +peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which he lurks); and +the Police have an easy means of tracking his footsteps. + +"Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the unfortunate +young man. His attempt will only serve to show the folly of the +pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity, admiration, +reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which we hold our +beloved sovereign." + + +"SECOND EDITION! + +"CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE. + +"A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that after +a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 'Imperial Army,' in a +water-barrel, whither the latter had retreated, victory has remained +with the former. A desperate combat ensued in the first place, in a +hay-loft, whence the pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now +a prisoner--and we dread to think what his fate may be! It will warn +future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson which it is not likely to +forget. Above all, it will set beyond a doubt the regard, respect, +admiration, reverence, and adoration which we all feel for our +sovereign." + + +"THIRD EDITION. + +"A second courier has arrived. The infatuated Crane has made common +cause with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of Frenchmen. +A detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit of the pretender +and his dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer! Remember that it is our +rights you guard, our homes which you march to defend; our laws which +are confided to the points of your unsullied bayonets;--above all, our +dear, dear sovereign, around whose throne you rally! + +"Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th, remember your watchword is +Gemappes,--your countersign, Valmy." + + +"The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the +Tuileries this day. His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the King +of the French with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their RR. HH. +the Princes of Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of the Order of +the Blue Eagle." + + +"His Majesty passed a review of the Police force. The venerable monarch +was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and disinterested +body of men. Those cheers were echoed in all French hearts. Long, long +may our beloved Prince be among us to receive them!" + + +CHAPTER II. + +HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III. + + +Sunday, February 30th. + +We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a third +pretender to the throne:-- + +"Is this distracted country never to have peace? While on Friday we +recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of France; +while on Saturday we were compelled to register the culpable attempts +of one whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar, +and common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of Frenchmen--it +is to-day our painful duty to announce a THIRD invasion--yes, a third +invasion. The wretched, superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has +landed at Nantz, and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount +the white cockade. + +"Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor? Do we not repose under +the majestic shadow of the best of kings? Is there any name prouder than +that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign? +Does not the whole French family adore their father? Yes. Our lives, our +hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his disposal: it was not in vain +that we raised, it is not the first time we have rallied round, the +august throne of July. The unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by +this time; and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge one +infamous traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another. +Away with both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal +to his race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the other +pretender. Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the +manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged! + +"One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the +descendant of Caroline of Naples. An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous! An +English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still dancing in +our royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion end?" + + +"The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police. The usual +heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked younger than +ever we saw him--ay, as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at +Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes. + +"Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were distributed +to all the men. + +"The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three +coaches-and-four. They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of +Honor. This is significant." + + +"The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the departments +of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the command of the +troops. The Joinville regiment--Cavalerie de la Marine--is one of the +finest in the service." + + +"Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself Duke +of Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the Pas de +Calais." + + +"ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.--At the review of troops (Police) yesterday, +his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling him by the ear, +said, 'Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of wine?' The old hero, +smiling archly, answered, 'Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any day +of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a drink of wine.' We +need not say that he had his drink, and the generous sovereign sent him +the cross and ribbon too." + + +On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a +despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the throne. +In spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears +from the following remarks of the Debats:-- + +"The courier from the Rhine department," says the Debats, "brings us the +following astounding Proclamation:-- + +"'Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one and +indivisible. We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of the +Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals, generals, +officers, and soldiers, greeting: + +"'Soldiers! + +"'From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon you. +The sun of Austerlitz has risen once more. The Guard dies, but never +surrenders. My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop +till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame. + +"'Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile. I have +seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now withering, and I +have communed with the dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are +our children? Where is France? Europe no longer glitters with the +shine of its triumphant bayonets--echoes no more with the shouts of +its victorious cannon. Who could reply to such a question save with a +blush?--And does a blush become the cheeks of Frenchmen? + +"'No. Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame. Come, +as of old, and rally round my eagles! You have been subject to fiddling +prudence long enough. Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have +been promised liberty, but you have had none. I will endow you with the +true, the real freedom. When your ancestors burst over the Alps, were +they not free? Yes; free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of +those indomitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once +more trample over her; march in triumph into her prostrate capitals, +and bring her kings with her treasures at our feet. This is the liberty +worthy of Frenchmen. + +"'Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you; and +that England shall rank no more among the nations. I will have a marine +that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my brave regiments +will do the rest. Henceforth, the traveller in that desert island shall +ask, "Was it this wretched corner of the world that for a thousand years +defied Frenchmen?" + +"'Frenchmen, up and rally!--I have flung my banner to the breezes; 'tis +surrounded by the faithful and the brave. Up, and let our motto be, +LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL OVER THE WORLD! + +"'NAPOLEON III. + +"'The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.' + + +"Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and +bloody adventurer holds out to our country. 'War all over the world,' is +the cry of the savage demon; and the fiends who have rallied round him +echo it in concert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a +corporal's guard had been sufficient to seize upon the marauder, when +the first fire would have served to conclude his miserable life. But, +like a hideous disease, the contagion has spread; the remedy must be +dreadful. Woe to those on whom it will fall! + +"His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has +hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and takes +with him his Cavalerie de la Marine. It is hard to think that the blades +of those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen: +but so be it: it is those monsters who have asked for blood, not we. It +is those ruffians who have begun the quarrel, not we. WE remain calm +and hopeful, reposing under the protection of the dearest and best of +sovereigns. + +"The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has been +seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the Prefect of +Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has +been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all incendiary +enemies of our Government be overcome! + +"His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department +of the Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in +the disturbed districts of the Bocage and La Vendee. The foolish young +Prince, who has there raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by +a small number of wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every +moment to receive the news. He too has issued his Proclamation, and our +readers will smile at its contents: + + +"'WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all whom +it may concern, greeting: + +"'After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the banner +of the lilies. Once more the white plume of Henri IV. floats in the +crest of his little son (petit fils)! Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses! +honest commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the oriflamme +of France, and summon the ban arriereban of my kingdoms. To my faithful +Bretons I need not appeal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for +an heirloom! To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects, +their father makes one last appeal. Come to me, my children! your errors +shall be forgiven. Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you. +He promised it when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed +his inviolable toe! + +"'Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The infamous +universities shall be abolished. Education shall no longer be permitted. +A sacred and wholesome inquisition shall be established. My faithful +nobles shall pay no more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our +country shall be restored as they existed before 1788. Convents and +monasteries again shall ornament our country, the calm nurseries +of saints and holy women! Heresy shall be extirpated with paternal +severity, and our country shall be free once more. + +"'His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under the +command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty's youngest son, +an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace +the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of Tuam, blessed their green +banner before they set forth. Henceforth may the lilies and the harp +be ever twined together. Together we will make a crusade against the +infidels of Albion, and raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our +cry be, Vive la France! down with England! Montjoie St. Denis! + +"'BY THE KING. + +"'The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE. The +Marshal of France. . . POMADOUR DE L'AILE DE PIGEON. The General +Commander-in-Chief of the Irish Brigade in the service of his Most +Christian Majesty. . . DANIEL, PRINCE OF BALLYBUNION. + +'HENRI."' + + +"His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a council +of Ministers in the afternoon. Measures were concerted for the instant +putting down of the disturbances in the departments of the Rhine and +Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the pretenders, they +shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxembourg: the +apartments are already prepared, and the officers at their posts. + +"The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the +diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being attacked +with illness, which compels them to stay at home." + + +"The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments." + + +"His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the Tuileries." + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS.--HISTORICAL REVIEW. + + +We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a few +comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely described in the +print from which we have quoted. + +It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were of a +serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two pretenders to +the crown were considerable. They had their supporters too in Paris--as +what party indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne was +in a state of considerable anxiety, and found his declining years by no +means so comfortable as his virtues and great age might have warranted. + +His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate +reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, now +sprung up around him in vast numbers. The King's grandson, the Prince +Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen-Schloppen, was +the father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with pensions +by the State. His brother, the Count D'Eu, was similarly blessed with +a multitudinous offspring. The Duke of Nemours had no children; but the +Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Princesses +Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess of the United States +of America, erected into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor +Duff Green I.) were the happy fathers of immense families--all liberally +apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely subservient to +his Majesty Louis Philippe. + +The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the first +instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his Highness +Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of Joinville was adored by the nation, on +account of his famous victory over the English fleet under the command +of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the "Richard Cobden," of 120 +guns, was taken by the "Belle-Poule" frigate of 36; on which occasion +forty-five other ships of war and 79 steam-frigates struck their colors +to about one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The +victory was mainly owing to the gallantry of the celebrated French +horse-marines, who executed several brilliant charges under the orders +of the intrepid Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their +ordinary modesty, claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of +that nation were present in the action, impartial history must award the +palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul. + +With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude of +the admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should ensue, and +fling them on the world once more. How could he support so numerous a +family? Considerable as his wealth was (for he was known to have amassed +about a hundred and thirteen billions, which were lying in the caves +of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite insignificant, when divided +among his progeny; and, besides, he naturally preferred getting from the +nation as much as his faithful people could possibly afford. + +Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied, is +often more efficacious than the conqueror's sword, the King's Ministers +were anxious that he should devote a part of his savings to the carrying +on of the war. But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined +this offer; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his faithful +people, who, he was sure, would meet, as became them, the coming +exigency. The Chambers met his appeal with their usual devotion. At a +solemn convocation of those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by +his family, explained the circumstances and the danger. His Majesty, +his family, his Ministers, and the two Chambers, then burst into tears, +according to immemorial usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling, +swore eternal fidelity to the dynasty and to France, and embraced each +other affectingly all round. + +It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred +Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas +Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and +fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,) similarly +quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux. They +were followed, according to their several political predilections, by +the various Ministers and dignitaries of the State. The only Minister +who remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had +defeated the English in the very field where they had obtained formerly +a success, though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish +Brigade); but age had ruined the health and diminished the immense +strength of that gigantic leader, and it is said his only reason for +remaining in Paris was because a fit of the gout kept him in bed. + +The capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and cafes were open as +usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm: confiding in +their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing +to fear. + +Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to conciliate +his people. He even went among them with his umbrella; but they were +little touched with that mark of confidence. He shook hands with +everybody; he distributed crosses of the Legion of Honor in such +multitudes, that red ribbon rose two hundred per cent in the market (by +which his Majesty, who speculated in the article, cleared a tolerable +sum of money). But these blandishments and honors had little effect +upon an apathetic people; and the enemy of the Orleans dynasty, the +fashionable young nobles of the Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves +perpetually, for fear (they said) that they should be obliged to shake +hands with the best of kings; while the republicans adopted coats +without button-holes, lest they should be forced to hang red ribbons in +them. The funds did not fluctuate in the least. + +The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect. The +young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places of public +education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon, "Liberty, +equality, war all over the world!" flocked to his standard in +considerable numbers: while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer +their allegiance to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis. + +And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that +collected round the gallant Prince Henry! There was not a man in his +army but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at morning and +evening parade. The fantastic and effeminate but brave and faithful +troops were numbered off into different legions: there was the +Fleur-d'Orange regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the Violet-Pomatum +volunteers; the Eau-de-Cologne cavalry--according to the different +scents which they affected. Most of the warriors wore lace ruffles; all +powder and pigtails, as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy +dragoons under the command of Count Alfred de Horsay made themselves +conspicuous for their discipline, cruelty, and the admirable cut of +their coats; and with these celebrated horsemen came from England the +illustrious Duke of Jenkins with his superb footmen. They were all six +feet high. They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers: they wore +bags, their hair slightly powdered, brilliant shoulder-knots, and +cocked-hats laced with gold. They wore the tight knee-pantaloon of +velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British infantry: and their +legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux, embracing with tears +their admirable leader on parade, said, "Jenkins, France never saw such +calves until now." The weapon of this tremendous militia was an immense +club or cane, reaching from the sole of the foot to the nose, and +heavily mounted with gold. Nothing could stand before this terrific +weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed morions of the French +cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath them, had they +ever met in mortal combat. Between this part of the Prince's forces and +the Irish auxiliaries there was a deadly animosity. Alas, there always +is such in camps! The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the +children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway. + +The uniform of the latter was various--the rich stuff called +corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower +habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them +tail-coats. The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at the +elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of button, +tape, and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the alpeen, and +the doodeen of the country--the latter a short but dreadful weapon of +offence. At the demise of the venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had +laid aside its habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened +their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit. Thus do men ever +return to the haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory +over us! The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an +effeminate race; they are represented by contemporary historians as +being passionately fond of FLYING KITES. Others say they went into +battle armed with "bills," no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated that +foreigners could never be got to accept them in lieu of their own arms. +The Princes of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by the side of +their young and royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son +of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald Isle. + + * Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on + which the French cavalry were mounted? + +Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the republican +imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies, were marching +on the French capital. The Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the +lunatic asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his +captivity, which caused only derision in the capital. Such was the state +of the empire, and such the clouds that were gathering round the Sun of +Orleans! + + +CHAPTER IV. + +THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS. + + +It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo misfortunes; +and now, as then, he met them like a man. The Prince of Joinville was +not successful in his campaign against the Imperial Pretender: and that +bravery which had put the British fleet to flight, was found, as might +be expected, insufficient against the irresistible courage of native +Frenchmen. The Horse Marines, not being on their own element, could not +act with their usual effect. Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling +seas, they were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne +country. + +It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between the +troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for both armies +had reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought underneath the +walls. For some time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville, +entrenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs. Ruinart, Moet, and +others; but making too free with the fascinating liquor, the army at +length became entirely drunk: on which the Imperialists, rushing into +the cellars, had an easy victory over them; and, this done, proceeded to +intoxicate themselves likewise. + +The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was compelled +with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and Prince Napoleon +remained master of the field of battle. It is needless to recapitulate +the bulletin which he published the day after the occasion, so soon as +he and his secretaries were in a condition to write: eagles, pyramids, +rainbows, the sun of Austerlitz, &c., figured in the proclamation, in +close imitation of his illustrious uncle. But the great benefit of the +action was this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers +of Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army, +and made common cause with them. + +"Soldiers!" said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after the +action, "the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the Eagle! +Your colors are not changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow--yours +on the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious. Soldiers of +Joinville! we give you welcome, as we would welcome your illustrious +leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion. Let him join us! We will +march together against that perfidious enemy. + +"But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday's glorious +day! Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of our native +Champagne. Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge +into dissipation, that we have Rome still to conquer! + +"Soldiers! Seltzer-water is good after too much drink. Wait awhile, and +your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it +lies BEYOND THE RHINE!" + +Deafening shouts of "Vive l'Empereur!" saluted this allusion of the +Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be restored +to them. The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville +likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince's cause. The +Journal des Debats did not know which way to turn. In one paragraph it +called the Emperor "a sanguinary tyrant, murderer, and pickpocket;" in a +second it owned he was "a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;" +and, after proclaiming "the brilliant victory of the Prince of +Joinville," presently denominated it a "funeste journee." + +The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to march on +Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and requested to be +paid for 300,000 bottles of wine. "Send three hundred thousand more to +the Tuileries," said the Prince, sternly: "our soldiers will be thirsty +when they reach Paris." And taking Moet with him as a hostage, and +promising Ruinart that he would have him shot unless he obeyed, with +trumpets playing and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial +army marched on their triumphant way. + + +CHAPTER V. + +THE BATTLE OF TOURS. + + +We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours against +his advancing cousin, Henry V. His Royal Highness could not march +against the enemy with such a force as he would have desired to bring +against them; for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast amount +of property he had stowed away under the Tuileries, refused to allow +a single soldier to quit the forts round the capital, which thus +was defended by one hundred and forty-four thousand guns +(eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred and thirty-two thousand +men:--little enough, when one considers that there were but three men +to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a population of double the +amount within the walls, his Majesty caused the country to be scoured +for fifty miles round, and left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass. +When appealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered district, the +royal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart bled for +them--that they were his children--that every cow taken from the meanest +peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that duty must be +done, that the interests of the country demanded the sacrifice, and +that in fact, they might go to the deuce. This the unfortunate creatures +certainly did. + +The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The Journal des Debats +stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the Chambers sat--such +as remained--and talked immensely about honor, dignity, and the glorious +revolution of July; and the King, as his power was now pretty nigh +absolute over them, thought this a good opportunity to bring in a bill +for doubling his children's allowances all round. + +Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there +was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support his +famished troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to ransack the +next fifty miles in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops +were not such as they should have been, considering the enemy with whom +they had to engage. + +The fact is, that most of the Duke's army consisted of the National +Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of "LA PATRIE EN +DANGER" having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted +by his Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of +food-consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that he +selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to send +forth against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers, the +lawyers, &c. Their parting with their families was very affecting. They +would have been very willing to recall their offer of marching, but +companies of stern veterans closing round them, marched them to the +city gates, which were closed upon them; and thus perforce they were +compelled to move on. As long as he had a bottle of brandy and a couple +of sausages in his holsters, the General of the National Guard, Odillon +Barrot, talked with tremendous courage. Such was the power of his +eloquence over the troops, that, could he have come up with the enemy +while his victuals lasted, the issue of the combat might have been very +different. But in the course of the first day's march he finished +both the sausages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent, and +crest-fallen. + +It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver Loire, +that the armies sat down before each other, and the battle was to take +place which had such an effect upon the fortunes of France. 'Twas a +brisk day of March: the practised valor of Nemours showed him at once +what use to make of the army under his orders, and having enfiladed +his National Guard battalions, and placed his artillery in echelons, +he formed his cavalry into hollow squares on the right and left of +his line, flinging out a cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the +main column. His veteran infantry he formed behind his National +Guard--politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who wished to retire under +pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that the regular troops would +bayonet the National Guard if they gave way an inch: on which their +General, turning very pale, demurely went back to his post. His men were +dreadfully discouraged; they had slept on the ground all night; they +regretted their homes and their comfortable nightcaps in the Rue St. +Honore: they had luckily fallen in with a flock of sheep and a drove +of oxen at Tours the day before; but what were these, compared to the +delicacies of Chevet's or three courses at Vefour's? They mournfully +cooked their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a most +wretched night. + +The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part in +better order. The noble cavalry regiments found a village in which they +made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins's Foot taking possession of +the kitchens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish Brigade, accustomed +to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato fields, where they sang +Moore's melodies all night. There were, besides the troops regular and +irregular, about three thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed +with scourging-whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these +reverend men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the +operations of the regular forces. + +It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see the +alacrity with which Jenkins's regiment sprung up at the FIRST reveille +of the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices almost +menial for the benefit of their French allies. The Duke himself set the +example, and blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half-past ten, +after coffee, the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were ready; their +clarions rung to horse, their banners were given to the wind, their +shirt-collars were exquisitely starched, and the whole air was scented +with the odors of their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs. + +Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri. "My faithful +Duke!" said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot, "thou art +always at THY POST." "Here, as in Wellington Street, sire," said +the hero, blushing. And the Prince made an appropriate speech to his +chivalry, in which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard +and Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not spared. "Ho! +standard-bearer!" the Prince concluded, "fling out my oriflamme. Noble +gents of France, your King is among you to-day!" + +Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking +whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara, +"Prince," he said, "the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the French +history--we will not deprive you of the honor of winning this. You will +please to commence the attack with your brigade." Bending his head until +the green plumes of his beaver mingled with the mane of the Shetland +pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland trotted off with his +aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses, powerful grays, with which a +dealer at Nantz had supplied them on their and the Prince's joint bill +at three months. + +The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in +their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their beloved +Prince. Their toilet was the work of a moment--a single shake and it +was done. Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their +Generals,--who, turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely +determined to fight on foot. Behind them came the line of British +foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in advance perfectly +collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar. The cavalry were on the right +and left of the infantry, prepared to act in pontoon, in echelon, or in +ricochet, as occasion might demand. The Prince rode behind, supported by +his Staff, who were almost all of them bishops, archdeacons, or abbes; +and the body of ecclesiastics followed, singing to the sound, or rather +howl, of serpents and trombones, the Latin canticles of the Reverend +Franciscus O'Mahony, lately canonized under the name of Saint Francis of +Cork. + +The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in +presence--the National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade. The white +belts and fat paunches of the Guard presented a terrific appearance; but +it might have been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were +as white as their belts, and the long line of their bayonets might be +seen to quiver. General Odillon Barrot, with a cockade as large as +a pancake, endeavored to make a speech: the words honneur, patrie, +Francais, champ de bataille might be distinguished; but the General was +dreadfully flustered, and was evidently more at home in the Chamber of +Deputies than in the field of war. + +The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech. "Boys," +said he, "we've enough talking at the Corn Exchange; bating's the word +now." The Green-Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo, which sent +terror into the fat bosoms of the French. + +"Gentlemen of the National Guard," said the Prince, taking off his hat +and bowing to Odillon Barrot, "will ye be so igsthramely obleeging as +to fire first." This he said because it had been said at Fontenoy, +but chiefly because his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and +therefore could not fire. + +But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen: for +though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing was the +thing of all others they detested--the noise, and the kick of the gun, +and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to them. "We won't +fire," said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Saugrenue and his +regiment of the line--which, it may be remembered, was formed behind the +National Guard. + +"Then give them the bayonet," said the Colonel, with a terrific oath. +"Charge, corbleu!" + +At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was heard, +the National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and with immense +velocity, towards the foe. The fact is, that the line regiment behind +them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between the +coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded forward with an +irresistible swiftness. + +Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre. The +Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the wind. The +Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon Barrot through +the body, when he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered +tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping. The Princes of +Donegal and Connemara were taken prisoners; but though they offered to +give bills at three months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their +ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the +Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had +been robbed of their ready money by his troops, who had taken them +prisoners, caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and +lent them each a sum of money. How generous are men in success!--the +Prince of Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National Guards, +and thought his victory secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with +the brief words, "We met the enemy before Tours. The National Guard has +done its duty. The troops of the pretender are routed. Vive le Roi!" +The note, you may be sure, appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the +editor, who only that morning had called Henri V. "a great prince, +an august exile," denominated him instantly a murderer, slave, thief, +cut-throat, pickpocket, and burglar. + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS. + + +But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British +infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade. Borne on with the hurry of +the melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with running, and +forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks +which had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National Guardsmen +found themselves suddenly in presence of Jenkins's Foot. + +They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep. + +"UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!" were the memorable words of the Duke Jenkins, +as, waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and with a +tremendous shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!--Down went +plume and cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain, down went grocer +and tailor, under the long staves of the indomitable English Footmen. +"A Jenkins! a Jenkins!" roared the Duke, planting a blow which broke the +aquiline nose of Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. "St. George for +Mayfair!" shouted his followers, strewing the plain with carcasses. Not +a man of the Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower. + +"They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais," said the Duke +of Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass. "'Tis a pity they will +all be cut up in half an hour. Concombre! take your dragoons, and do +it!" "Remember Waterloo, boys!" said Colonel Concombre, twirling his +moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun, and the gallant +hussars prepared to attack the Englishmen. + +Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the havoc +of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy's manoeuvre. His people +were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard, and had made a +tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell out of his pocket, +(it was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife or bugle,) +speedily called his scattered warriors together. "Take the muskets of +the Nationals," said he. They did so. "Form in square, and prepare to +receive cavalry!" By the time Concombre's regiment arrived, he found a +square of bristling bayonets with Britons behind them! + +The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body. +"Halt!" said he to his men. + +"Fire!" screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the +National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off. The +hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not return to the +attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to +charge upon them. + +The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. The Millefleur +regiment broke before Concombre's hussars instantaneously; the +Eau-de-Rose dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped +far out of reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne lancers +fainted to a man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing its course, +had actually reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp, when the +clergymen coming up formed gallantly round the oriflamme, and the +bassoons and serpents braying again, set up such a shout of canticles, +and anathemas, and excommunications, that the horses of Concombre's +dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in their turn broke and +fled. As soon as they turned, the Vendean riflemen fired amongst them +and finished them: the gallant Concombre fell; the intrepid though +diminutive Cornichon, his major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la +moelle, and the wife of the fiery Navet was that day a widow. Peace to +the souls of the brave! In defeat or in victory, where can the soldier +find a more fitting resting-place than the glorious field of carnage? +Only a few disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre's regiment +reached Tours at night. They had left it but the day before, a thousand +disciplined and high-spirited men! + +Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands, the +intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and charged the +Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD STEEL. The Frenchmen +delivered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins's cockade, +but did not abide the crossing of the weapons. "A Frenchman dies, but +never surrenders," said Saugrenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole +regiment were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoners. The blood of +the Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their curses were horrible; +their courage tremendous. "On! on!" hoarsely screamed they; and a second +regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling, grinding +encounter. "A Jenkins, a Jenkins!" still roared the heroic Duke: "St. +George for Mayfair!" The Footmen of England still yelled their terrific +battle-cry, "Hurra, hurra!" On they went; regiment after regiment +was annihilated, until, scared at the very trample of the advancing +warriors, the dismayed troops of France screaming fled. Gathering +his last warriors round about him, Nemours determined to make a last +desperate effort. 'Twas vain: the ranks met; the next moment the +truncheon of the Prince of Orleans was dashed from his hand by the +irresistible mace of the Duke Jenkins; his horse's shins were broken by +the same weapon. Screaming with agony the animal fell. Jenkins's hand +was at the Duke's collar in a moment, and had he not gasped out, "Je me +rends!" he would have been throttled in that dreadful grasp! + +Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments, their +baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands of the +victorious Duke. He had avenged the honor of Old England; and himself +presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who now +came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his neck and said, +"Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint and you." It was indeed a +glorious victory: but what will not British valor attain? + +The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris, saying, +"Sire, all is lost except honor!" was sent off in confinement; and in +spite of the entreaties of his captor, was hardly treated with decent +politeness. The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when the +affair was over, were for having the Prince shot at once, and murmured +loudly against "cet Anglais brutal" who interposed in behalf of the +prisoner. Henri V. granted the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided +by the advice of his noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the +illustrious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him +to supper that night. + +"Well!" said Jenkins, "I and my merry men can sup alone." And, indeed, +having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men, they had +wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable. The prisoners +(25,403) were all without difficulty induced to assume the white +cockade. Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in their +flannel-waistcoats, where they swore they had worn them ever since 1830. +This we may believe, and we will; but the Prince Henri was too politic +or too good-humored in the moment of victory, to doubt the sincerity of +his new subjects' protestations, and received the Colonels and Generals +affably at his table. + +The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies. +"Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre," said the Prince, "the saints +have won for us a great victory--the enemies of our religion have +been overcome--the lilies are restored to their native soil. Yesterday +morning at eleven o'clock the army under my command engaged that which +was led by his SERENE Highness the Duke de Nemours. Our forces were but +a third in number when compared with those of the enemy. My faithful +chivalry and nobles made the strength, however, equal. + +"The regiments of Fleur-d'Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne covered +themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the enemy's troops. +Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical +friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round my banner, and +forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that they were of the church +militant indeed. + +"My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming +heroism--but why particularize when all did their duty? How remember +individual acts when all were heroes?" The Marshal of France, +Sucre d'Orgeville, Commander of the Army of H.M. Christian Majesty, +recommended about three thousand persons for promotion; and the +indignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be imagined when it +is stated that they were not even mentioned in the despatch! + +As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they wrote +off despatches to their Government, saying, "The Duke of Nemours is +beaten, and a prisoner! The Irish Brigade has done it all!" On which +his Majesty the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the +Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which he called Louis +Philippe an "old miscreant," and paid the highest compliments to his son +and his troops. The King on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan, +Sir Gavan Duffy (whose journals had published the news), and was so +delighted with the valor of his son, that he despatched him his order +of the Pig and Whistle (1st class), and a munificent present of five +hundred thousand pounds--in a bill at three months. All Dublin was +illuminated; and at a ball at the Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith +(Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely intoxicated, called out the Lord +Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they fought in the Phoenix Park. Having +shot the Right Reverend Bishop through the body, Smithereens apologized. +He was the same practitioner who had rendered himself so celebrated in +the memorable trial of the King--before the Act of Independence. + +Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides towards +Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for extraordinary were +the events preparing in that capital. + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE LEAGUER OF PARIS. + + +By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of Henri +V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the Emperor +John Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place +between the advanced-guards of the two parties, and much slaughter +ensued. + +"Bon!" thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his tower; +"they will kill each other. This is by far the most economical way of +getting rid of them." The astute monarch's calculations were admirably +exposed by a clever remark of the Prince of Ballybunion. "Faix, Harry," +says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious son of Saint Louis +resented), "you and him yandther--the Emperor, I mane--are like the +Kilkenny cats, dear." + +"Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de +Ballybunion?" asked the Most Christian King haughtily. + +Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the +animals "ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that's what you +and Imparial Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are," added the +jocose and royal boy. + +"Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires," +answered Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like a +joke; but there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have been +well for his Most Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious +counsels of his Irish ally. + +The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the garrisons of +some of the forts, and expected all would declare for him. However, of +the twenty-four forts which we have described, eight only--and by +the means of Marshal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late +years--declared for Henri, and raised the white flag: while eight +others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon before them in the costume +of his revered predecessor, at once flung open their gates to him, and +mounted the tricolor with the eagle. The remaining eight, into which the +Princes of the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained +constant to Louis Philippe. Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the +Tuileries. His money was there, and he swore he would remain by it. In +vain his sons offered to bring him into one of the forts--he would not +stir without his treasure. They said they would transport it thither; +but no, no: the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged +nose, and winking archly, said "he knew a trick worth two of that," and +resolved to abide by his bags. + +The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three +centimes. The Journal des Debats published three editions of different +tones of politics: one, the Journal de l'Empire, for the Napoleonites; +the Journal de la Legitimite another, very complimentary to the +Legitimate monarch; and finally, the original edition, bound heart +and soul to the dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had to write all +three, complained not a little that his salary was not raised: but the +truth is, that, by altering the names, one article did indifferently for +either paper. The Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was +always issuing manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians +took little heed: the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was +allowed to be very witty at the expense of the three pretenders. + +As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the +respective Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the +forts, where there was plenty of provision; and, when once there, they +speedily began to turn out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to +them, or had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity. +These poor fellows turned into the road, had no choice but starvation; +as to getting into Paris, that was impossible: a mouse could not have +got into the place, so admirably were the forts guarded, without having +his head taken off by a cannon-ball. Thus the three conflicting parties +stood, close to each other, hating each other, "willing to wound and +yet afraid to strike"--the victuals in the forts, from the prodigious +increase of the garrisons, getting smaller every day. As for Louis +Philippe in his palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing +that a spark from one might set them all blazing away, and that he and +his money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten minutes, you may +fancy his situation was not very comfortable. + +But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperialists nor +the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and fifty +billions in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon +that considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their revered father. +How was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note to his Most +Christian Majesty (for they always styled each other in this manner in +their communications), proposing that they should turn out and decide +the quarrel sword in hand; to which proposition Henri would have +acceded, but that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to +excommunicate him should he do so. Hence this simple way of settling the +dispute was impossible. + +The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in the +forts. Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were subject to much +petty persecution, to the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander. +And it must be confessed that these intrepid Footmen were not so +amenable to discipline as they might have been. Remembering the usages +of merry England, they clubbed together, and swore they would have four +meals of meat a day, wax-candles in the casemates, and their porter. +These demands were laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast +on Fridays; on which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and +they would have had a FOURTH standard raised before Paris--viz., that +of England--but the garrison proving too strong for them, they were +compelled to lay down their sticks; and, in consideration of past +services, were permitted to leave the forts. 'Twas well for them! as you +shall hear. + +The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the fort +which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and where they +made themselves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes +had as much brandy as they liked, and passed their time on the ramparts +playing at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with the halfpenny that one of +them somehow had) for vast sums of money, for which they gave their +notes-of-hand. The warriors of their legion would stand round delighted; +and it was, "Musha, Master Dan, but that's a good throw!" "Good luck to +you, Misther Pat, and throw thirteen this time!" and so forth. But this +sort of inaction could not last long. They had heard of the treasures +amassed in the palace of the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought +of the lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country. They panted +for war! They formed their plan. + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS. + + +On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis Philippe +was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing that what +the journal said about "Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the +Pretender Henri,"--"Chicken-pox raging in the Forts of the Traitor +Bonaparte,"--might be true, what was his surprise to hear the report +of a gun; and at the same instant--whiz! came an eighty-four-pound ball +through the window and took off the head of the faithful Monsieur de +Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of muffins. + +"Three francs for the window," said the monarch; "and the muffins of +course spoiled!" and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly. Ah, King +Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window-pane--more than +a plate of muffins--it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty millions of +tax-payers. + +The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. "Gracious heavens!" said the +commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, "What has your +Highness done?" "Faix," replied the other, "Donegal and I saw a sparrow +on the Tuileries, and we thought we'd have a shot at it, that's all." +"Hurroo! look out for squalls," here cried the intrepid Hibernian; for +at this moment one of Paixhans' shells fell into the counterscarp of the +demilune on which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple of +embrasures flying about their ears. + +Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort +Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly replied +by its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite fort. On seeing +this, Fort Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummelling +Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and in a quarter of an +hour the whole of this vast line of fortification was in a blaze of +flame, flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing, bombing, in the most +tremendous manner. The world has never perhaps, before or since, heard +such an uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thundering at each +other. Fancy the sky red with the fires of hundreds of thousands of +blazing, brazen meteors; the air thick with impenetrable smoke--the +universe almost in a flame! for the noise of the cannonading was heard +on the peaks of the Andes, and broke three windows in the English +factory at Canton. Boom, boom, boom! for three days incessantly the +gigantic--I may say, Cyclopean battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong! +The air was thick with cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each +other in the heavens, and fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into +the very forts from which they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong--brrwrrwrrr! + +On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke permitted +it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have been heard +(if the tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed it) giving +mysterious signs and countersigns. "Tom," was the word whispered, +"Steele" was the sibilated response. (It is astonishing how, in the +roar of elements, THE HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!) It was the +Irish Brigade assembling. "Now or never, boys!" said their leaders; and +sticking their doodeens into their mouths, they dropped stealthily into +the trenches, heedless of the broken glass and sword-blades; rose from +those trenches; formed in silent order; and marched to Paris. They +knew they could arrive there unobserved--nobody, indeed, remarked their +absence. + +The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves +at their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which Arnal +performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new feuilleton +by Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated +to the journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme +without the walls. + + +CHAPTER IX. + +LOUIS XVII. + + +The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the +inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it may +be remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty +of demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his pretensions, +had not failed to strike with awe and respect his four thousand comrades +of captivity. The Emperor of China, the Princess of the Moon, Julius +Caesar, Saint Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome, +the Cacique of Mexico, and several singular and illustrious personages +who happened to be confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.; +and all agreed that now or never was the time to support his legitimate +pretensions to the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around +them, they howled with furious delight in response. They took counsel +together: Dr. Pinel and the infamous jailers, who, under the name of +keepers, held them in horrible captivity, were pounced upon and overcome +in a twinkling. The strait-waistcoats were taken off from the wretched +captives languishing in the dungeons; the guardians were invested in +these shameful garments, and with triumphant laughter plunged under the +Douches. The gates of the prison were flung open, and they marched forth +in the blackness of the storm! + +***** + +On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a gun +went off fitfully now and then. + +***** + +On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, "Tiens! ils sont +fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!"--and why? Because there was no more +powder?--Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder. + +There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more forts, +no more nothing. THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP. The battle-roar +ceased. The battle-clouds rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling +stars, looked blandly down from the serene azure,--and all was +peace--stillness--the stillness of death. Holy, holy silence! + +Yes: the battle of Paris was over. And where were the combatants? All +gone--not one left!--And where was Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince +was a captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade was encamped around +it: they had reached the palace a little too late; it was already +occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII. + +That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to the +Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. They burst through the feeble +barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the kingly halls +of the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his +ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats, of the +fifth of November; an important article, which proclaimed that the civil +war was concluded:-- + +"The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are at +an end. Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which agitated +the bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilization, +may now rest in peace. That monarch whom we have long been sighing for; +whose image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how passionately worshipped, +in every French heart, is with us once more. Blessings be on him; +blessings--a thousand blessings upon the happy country which is at +length restored to his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable sway! + +"His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his palace +of the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies. His Royal Highness +the Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the +kingdom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the Palais +Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his Royal Highness, who +happened to be in the late forts round Paris, (before the bombardment +which has so happily ended in their destruction,) had returned to their +father before the commencement of the cannonading. They will continue, +as heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the throne. + +"None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch's +proclamation. + +"'Louis, by &c.-- + +"'My children! After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of captivity, I +am restored to you. The cycle of events predicted by the ancient Magi, +and the planetary convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books, +have fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as always in +the depths of my dungeons I confidently expected) in the triumph of the +good Angel, and the utter discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon. + +"'When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced their +hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by--in my palace of Charenton, +three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring of +Saturn--I witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and I +said, "Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the signs of the +Zodiac mere astronomers' prattle?" + +"'I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr. Pinel. +The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive. I summoned my allies +round about me. The high contracting Powers came to my bidding: +monarchs from all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the Moon and other +illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale imprisoned genii. +I whispered the mystic sign, and the doors flew open. We entered Paris +in triumph, by the Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the +Octroi. The bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts, and retreated, +howling: they knew us, and trembled. + +"'My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me. I have a friend +in Turkey--the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a Protestant +once--Lord Brougham by name. I have sent to him to legislate for us: +he is wise in the law, and astrology, and all sciences; he shall aid my +Ministers in their councils. I have written to him by the post. There +shall be no more infamous mad-houses in France, where poor souls shiver +in strait-waistcoats. + +"'I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was in his +counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned me. +He gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to use it. +Taught by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I +will endow the land with noble institutions instead of diabolical +forts. I will have no more cannon founded. They are a curse and shall +be melted--the iron ones into railroads; the bronze ones into statues of +beautiful saints, angels, and wise men; the copper ones into money, to +be distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love them. + +"'There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no more +passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more physic. + +"'My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I will it. I am the +king. + +(Signed) 'Louis.'" + + +"Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the +English Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first about +to sack the city, but on hearing that the banner of the lilies was once +more raised in France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered +his allegiance to his Majesty. It was accepted: and the Plush Guard +has been established in place of the Swiss, who waited on former +sovereigns." + + +"The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our service. +Their commander states that they took every one of the forts round +Paris, and having blown them up, were proceeding to release Louis +XVII., when they found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their +glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Majesty the King of +the Irish. It will be a new laurel to add to his green crown!" + + +And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great +French Revolution of 1884. It records the actions of great and various +characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates wonderful reverses +of fortune; it affords the moralist scope for his philosophy; perhaps it +gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the latter imagine, +because there is not a precise moral affixed to the story, that its +tendency is otherwise than good. He is a poor reader, for whom +his author is obliged to supply a moral application. It is well in +spelling-books and for children; it is needless for the reflecting +spirit. The drama of Punch himself is not moral: but that drama has had +audiences all over the world. Happy he, who in our dark times can cause +a smile! Let us laugh then, and gladden in the sunshine, though it be +but as the ray upon the pool, that flickers only over the cold black +depths below! + + + + +COX'S DIARY. + +THE ANNOUNCEMENT. + + +On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the +neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both +in the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of +a girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of +a three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young +foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated +mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called +Cox's Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and +three-and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established +cutting and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I +had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge, +plaited her hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of +patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was my +hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another, +would one day be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son +Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers when their father was either +dead or a gentleman: for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should +be. + +Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections: +though her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr. +Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the "Pigtail and +Sparrow," in the Whitechapel Road; from which place I married her; being +myself very fond of the article, and especially when she served it to +me--the dear thing! + +Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am +proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and +my Bohemian balsam to support her!--and we had hopes from her uncle, +a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty +years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in +India, and was worth millions, we were told. + +Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my +lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow +and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to +his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland +Place, and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my +wife took her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to +visit her uncle: but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she +somewhat sharp in her way, (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you +to know,) a desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that +day to the day of his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would +condescend to do, was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in +the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by +us. All the neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, +for Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the +connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet; +Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly +enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in +my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once: when he said "Oh, the barber!" +tossed up his nose, and passed on. + +One day--one famous day last January--all our Market was thrown into +a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three +vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and +Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner (it being +Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port, +and was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough: at which +proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus):--we +had just, I say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows +out, "La, Pa, here's uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cab!" + +And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough--Mrs. Breadbasket in deep +mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back +shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the +world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was +very kind of her to come. "La, mem," says Mrs. B., "I'm sure I'd +do anything to serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear +Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone." + +"That's what?" cries my wife. + +"What, gone?" cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls +will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and +ready to cry too. + +"Yes, gaw--" Just as she was at this very "gaw" Tug roars out, "La, Pa! +here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!" + +It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back +into the parlor with my ladies. "What is it, Mr. Bar?" says I; and as +quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, +and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made +some resistance.--"Don't think of it, Mr. Cox," says he; "don't trouble +yourself, sir." But I lathered away and never minded. "And what's this +melancholy event, sir," says I, "that has spread desolation in your +family's bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your +loss." + +I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because +Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him. + +Mr. Bar was just about to speak. "Yes, sir," says he, "my master's +gaw--" when at the "gaw" in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the finest +gentleman I ever saw. + +"What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!" says he. + +"Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?" + +"A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making my +bow. "A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that +you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!" + +"Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow: +"but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how some +fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!" +With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly +opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between +the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser +into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's +mouth--a capital way to stop angry answers. + +Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a +hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black +coat with a bag. + +"What, you here!" says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it +seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, "What, YOU here!" "Your +name is Cox, sir?" says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine. +"My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple +Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,--that is to say, sorry +to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady +is heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the +kingdom." + +At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of +Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed +to Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a wince out:--Mrs. C., +Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid +tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted. + +"And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?" says I. + +"Why--hee, hee, hee!" says Mr. Sharpus. "Surely you know that he was +only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!" + +You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so +eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. Sharpus say there +was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John +Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as +they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the +news. + +We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would +have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted, +"Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and we have not; +had we not better keep them for a little?"--Keep them, then, we did, to +show us how to be gentlefolks. + +I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of +premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for +it; but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the +shop he should. + + +FIRST ROUT. + + +We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house without +friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and +I was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, +Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into +distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us +the honor of lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him, +and of his little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing +of our good fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a +little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond +of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on +one occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor +girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond +of her. + +Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune, +though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him to come and +take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima +very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and +to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a +great scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was +forbidden the house--for ever! + +So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. "You +see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and country +mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave +between our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to +have the first society of England." To this Tagrag agreed, and promised +to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what's +more, did. + +First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays +and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and +Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way, +and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent +straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend +Doctor Pigney's, at Richmond. + +Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the +papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way: double your name and stick +an "e" to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect +in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty +society about us. Some of old Tug's friends swore they would do anything +for the family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. +Coxe and her charming girl; and when, about the first week in +February, we announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the +twenty-eighth, I assure you there was no want of company: no, nor +of titles neither; and it always does my heart good even to hear one +mentioned. + +Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his +seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner): there +was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron +von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent +literati, author of "The Distrusted" "The Distorted," "The Disgusted," +"The Disreputable One," and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady +Max and her daughter, the Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles +Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A., +K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala: +my friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, +made up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in +black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs. +C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were seen round +the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of +elation, and thought to myself--Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever would have +expected to see you here? + +After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and to this +Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility +that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to +tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, +and the Ladies North Pole her daughters; when I say that there were yet +OTHERS, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of +modesty, be mentioned here, I think I've said enough to show that, in +our time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company. + +It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer +Cordongblew. I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol +allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French +dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles, +called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-Tuggeridge Coxe drank +a very good share of it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we +did not much relish). However, the feed, as I say, went off very well: +Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so good as to put +me down for six copies of all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter +engaging Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my +dear Jemmy with Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as +red as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and +bird-of-paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant. + +Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:--thunder-under-under +came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert's +fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the +gents thought it high time to make our appearance. I felt a LITTLE +squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people; +but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we +reached, at last, the drawing-room. + +The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great +ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working +away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann +amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron +Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle +of the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she +wasn't there! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking +very sulky; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the +place where the Duchesses were. "Oh, not there!" said Jemmy, trying to +break away. "Nonsense, my dear," says I: "you are missis, and this is +your place." Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, "Me and +my missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you." + +The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak. + +I went on: "The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see; and so we +thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am, +I think, are too stiff to dance." + +"Sir!" says her Grace. + +"Ma'am," says I, "don't you know me? My name's Cox. Nobody's introduced +me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself--so give +us your hand, ma'am." + +And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but--would you +believe it?--the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot 'tater. +"Fitzurse! Fitzurse!" shouted she, "help! help!" Up scuffled all the +other Dowagers--in rushed the dancers. "Mamma! mamma!" squeaked Lady +Julia North Pole. "Lead me to my mother," howled Lady Aurorer: and both +came up and flung themselves into her arms. "Wawt's the raw?" said Lord +Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately. + +"Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace. "Where's +Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me." + +"My dear Duchess," said Tufthunt, very meek. + +"Don't Duchess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak; +and hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn't his +monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people, +Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!" + +"And my carriage," "And mine," "And mine!" shouted twenty more voices. +And down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche Bluenose and Lady +Max among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal and one or two +men, who roared with laughter ready to split. + +"Oh, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, "why would you take me back to them? +they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess whether she +didn't like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos: +and--would you believe it?--all the company burst out laughing; and the +Duchess told me just to keep off, and not to speak till I was spoken to. +Imperence! I'd like to tear her eyes out." + +And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would! + + +A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS. + + +Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still +upon fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to +Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here +there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and +suppers, danced at our balls--ay, and spoke to us too. We were great +people in fact: I a regular country gentleman; and as such, Jemmy +insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. "But," +says I, "my love, I can't ride." "Pooh! Mr. C." said she, "you're always +making difficulties: you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille; you +thought you couldn't dine at seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't lie +in bed after six; and haven't you done every one of these things? You +must and you shall ride!" And when my Jemmy said "must and shall," I +knew very well there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to +the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received +notice that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail +Common, just outside my lodge-gates. + +I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was +most probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag explained +this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a +delightful animal of his own; which, being desperately pressed for +money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having +given a hundred and fifty for it. + +Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. C. +turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being helped up +on my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came +presently round to join them. + +Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, "I +thought," he said, "you told me you knew how to ride; and that you had +ridden once fifty miles on a stretch!" + +"And so I did," says I, "to Cambridge, and on the box too." + +"ON THE BOX!" says he; "but did you ever mount a horse before?" + +"Never," says I, "but I find it mighty easy." + +"Well," says he, "you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe, +for your spirit." And so we came out of the gate. + +As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt, +but what a hunt is--why the horses WILL go among the dogs and ride them +down--why the men cry out "yooooic"--why the dogs go snuffing about in +threes and fours, and the huntsman says, "Good Towler--good Betsy," and +we all of us after him say, "Good Towler--good Betsy" in course: then, +after hearing a yelp here and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow! +burst out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap +in a velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat +here), "Hark, to Ringwood!" and then, "There he goes!" says some one; +and all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping, +screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays, +horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard +boys, go tearing all together over the common after two or three of the +pack that yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can't say; but it all took +place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence. + +Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been +trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I managed +to stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went +Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the +dogs like the donkey among the chickens. "Back, Mr. Coxe," holloas +the huntsman; and so I pulled very hard, and cried out, "Wo!" but he +wouldn't; and on I went galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a +wonder; but I squeezed my knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very +hard into the stirrups, and kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's +neck, and looked betwixt his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted +to luck: for I was in a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man +would be in such a case, let alone a poor hairdresser. + +As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you +honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; nothing +in this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-colored mane, and that I +gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking, +the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble. + +There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the "Spicy Dustman," who, +when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out +on his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed +to keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly through the cross-roads, +and knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the hounds +would find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would +take, the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail +to Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt. +There's a small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the +leading chaps took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate, +and so would I, only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and +be hanged to him, and went right for it. + +Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your arms, +off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel--that is, I did--is a +most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the +stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree; Trumpeter gone clean from +under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of +the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse couldn't get +away: and neither of us, I thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of +a sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman! + +"Holloa!" says I, "you gent, just let us down from this here tree!" + +"Lor'!" says he, "I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin." + +"Let's down," says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging +Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as +possible. "Let's down," says I. "Presently," says he; and taking off +his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and +saddle; and when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did?--he +just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, "Git down +yourself, old Bearsgrease; you've only to drop! I'LL give your 'oss a +hairing arter them 'ounds; and you--vy, you may ride back my pony +to Tuggeridgeweal!" And with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away, +leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the +branch would break. + +It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got out of +it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apollor +Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop window +when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our +rose-oil. Faugh! what a figure I was! + +I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very +quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; and after +a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate. + +A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; their +Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a number of +horses walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the +hunt, who had come in after losing their fox! "Here's Squire Coxe!" +shouted the grooms. Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of +the hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody +dying with laughter at me. + +Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed me; +a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very gravely, +to help me down. + +"Squire," says he, "how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git down, +will you, and give it to its howner?" + +"Rascal!" says I, "didn't you ride off on my horse?" + +"Was there ever sich ingratitude?" says the Spicy. "I found this year +'oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his +master, and he calls me a rascal!" + +The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all +set up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed, +as not to be able to laugh just then. + +And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I +showed great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but "No," says I, "I +HAVE been." + + +THE FINISHING TOUCH. + + +I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram's in +Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet +twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted +the first man of the club; and could take five from John the marker +himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was +placed in that station of life where I could cultivate my talents, +I gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I do say that I think +myself as good a hand as any chap in England. + +The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you, +astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three rubbers +Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him +all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the +betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew +what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings, +so my skill was of no great service to me. + +One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen were +high in words. "The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain Tagrag +say: "I won't stand it." + +"Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?" said the +Baron. + +"You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the Count: "ve +vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill." + +"What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, "about birds and +feathers?" + +"Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about--about--pigeon-shooting; the +Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and I +said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder." + +"Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron: "and I know no +better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is +gabidal." + +"No doubt," says I, "for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the +PIGEON." And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I didn't +know then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave Master Baron, +that day, a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than +fifteen shillings of his money. + +As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took +in the Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that +celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for +me, Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon--and +the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the +kidney species of that vegetable--made no small noise at the time, and +got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant +reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and, my early education having +been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is +the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep's head at the tender +age of nine years, before I was allowed to venture on the humane +countenance,)--I say, being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical +learning, I must confess I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of +genteel information from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at +least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen +and gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the Flare-up +notices to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the +notices, as follows:-- + +"'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of Covent +Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a +married man. + +"'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's +second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn, +gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen +should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined. + +"'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame +Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of +Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian. + +"'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in England, +is Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville: +Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a +hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his superior. Verbum sap. + +"'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead." + +I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how +the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and +both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his +play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We +read him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. "Id is," he cried, +"the tables" (or "de DABELS," as he called them),--"de horrid dabels; +gom viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you." +We all roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to +satisfy the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or +any tables he chose. + +"Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant; +his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill." And I said I would: +and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera, +we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance. + +We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw: lots +of Champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and +fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. "Is dish Misther Coxsh, de +shelebrated player?" says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one +or two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen, +dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. "Is dish Misther +Coxsh? blesh my hart, it is a honor to see you; I have heard so much of +your play." + +"Come, come," says I, "sir"--for I'm pretty wide awake--"none of your +gammon; you're not going to book ME." + +"No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace. + +"Dat is gut!--haw! haw!" snorted the Baron. "Hook him! Lieber Himmel, +you might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!" + +Well, we went to play. "Five to four on Coxe," screams out the +Count.--"Done and done," says another nobleman. "Ponays," says the +Count.--"Done," says the nobleman. "I vill take your six crowns to +four," says the Baron.--"Done," says I. And, in the twinkling of an eye, +I beat him once making thirteen off the balls without stopping. + +We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long +faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote +I.O.U.'s for the Count! "Va toujours, mon cher," says he to me, "you +have von for me three hundred pounds." + +"I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. "Zeven to four you +must give me though." And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT game was +won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. "Two hundred and sixty more, +my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count: "you are mon ange gardien!" "Wot a +flat Misther Coxsh is, not to back his luck," I hoard Abednego whisper +to one of the foreign noblemen. + +"I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron. "Give me +three," says he, "and done." I gave him three, and lost the game by one. +"Dobbel, or quits," says he. "Go it," says I, up to my mettle: "Sam Coxe +never says no;" and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to +his five. "Holy Moshesh!" says Abednego, "dat little Coxsh is a vonder! +who'll take odds?" + +"I'll give twenty to one," says I, "in guineas." + +"Ponays; yase, done," screams out the Count. + +"BONIES, done," roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak, went in, +and--would you believe it?--in two minutes he somehow made the game! + +***** + +Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! In +vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies; +and when I refused, they both said their honor was concerned, and they +must have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually +that, in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from +me, he had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word +of honor of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that +ponies had been betted;--why, I paid them one thousand pounds sterling +of good and lawful money.--But I've not played for money since: no, no; +catch me at THAT again if you can. + + +A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA. + + +No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, who +knew as much about music,--bless her!--as I do about Sanscrit, algebra, +or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second tier. It +was what they called a double box; it really COULD hold two, that is, +very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain--for five hundred +a year! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our +places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front; me, behind: but as my +dear wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich feathers, +birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin, +scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of the +front of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four +times in the course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight +of the actors. By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling +Jemmy's sleeve, I DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of +Senior Lablash's boots, in the "Puritanny," and once actually saw Madame +Greasi's crown and head-dress in "Annybalony." + +What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us +aristocracy used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your three +courses (three curses I used to call them;--for so, indeed, they are, +causing a deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, pills, want of +sleep, and such like)--just, I say, as you get down your three courses, +which I defy any man to enjoy properly unless he has two hours of drink +and quiet afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as +fine as a duchess, and scented like our shop. "Come, my dear," says she, +"it's 'Normy' to--night" (or "Annybalony," or the "Nosey di Figaro," +or the "Gazzylarder," as the case may be). "Mr. Foster strikes off +punctually at eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present +at the very first bar of the aperture." And so off we are obliged to +budge, to be miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the +next twelve, and all because it's the fashion! + +After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am +given to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in +Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do nothing BUT sing. Bless +us! how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the "Gazzylarder" to fly +up to the top of the church-steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the +chaps with the pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June. +Not that I don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini: +him who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the +first piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a LITTLE too +much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes. + +The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You SHOULD +have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and +when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a +gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl +blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only +five of her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging +to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round, +like a teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more; and as she settled +down, at last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should +have heard how the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with +all their might, and waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting, +"Bravo!" Some people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an +exhibition, threw bunches of flowers at her; and what do you think she +did? Why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had +happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press +them to her heart, and begin whirling round again faster than ever. Talk +about coolness, I never saw such in all MY born days. + +"Nasty thing!" says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; "if women WILL act so, +it serves them right to be treated so." + +"Oh, yes! she acts beautifully," says our friend his Excellency, who +along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming +to our box. + +"She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and I am +very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and +that the people waved to her to get off." + +Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of laughter. + +"My dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, "those are the most famous dancers in the +world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses at them, in +token of our immense admiration!" + +"Well, I never!" said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the +curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done the next +begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and bounding +in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at least six feet +from the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were more +astonished than ever! + +"That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen. + +"Anna who?" says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this +person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black +ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees. + +"Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as +active as a man of twenty." + +"HE!" shrieked out my wife; "what, is that there a man? For shame! +Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I'll +thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home." + +You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a +horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to +it; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and +so would stop till the end of everything; and, law bless you! in three +weeks from that time, she could look at the ballet as she would at +a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her double-barrelled +opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had been a born duchess. +As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does; and precious fun it used to be, +sometimes. + +My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the scenes; +where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ONTRAY. +Behind, then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of! Fancy +lots of young and old gents of the fashion crowding round and staring +at the actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners, +chattering always, and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of +Jews, with hooked-noses and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains, +sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old +nightgowns, with knock-knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings, +and dabs of brick-dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such +wigs!) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap, +or else shepherds' crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and +green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to and +fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard Cupids, +dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, confusion and gabble +of all conceivable languages was never known! + +If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking twenty, +he looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving +it a touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy +was standing by with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner +of Charles Street. + +I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour which +they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage, +before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes +are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and +canes in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn't wait. + +Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain flies +up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very +last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very +affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about +me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such like politeness, in +the most condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn, +and down I popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below. +Luckily I was stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of +green blankets and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the +sea. If I had not fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the +consequence of the collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear +to hear of my paying the least attention to the fair sex. + + +STRIKING A BALANCE. + + +Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the Earl +of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his mother the +Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda +MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; and a son, the +Honorable Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow MacTurk, only ten +months older than our boy Tug. + +My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, made +every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of +Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter +of the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of +Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing +so angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship +down. The Kilblazes' estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property +by two thousand a year at least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept +only two footmen, was quite authorized in having three; and she made it +a point, as soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to +have out her own carriage-and-four. + +Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big. +Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and what +do you think Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, Madame de +Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was +quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame Flicflac: she had been (to +support her father, the Count, when he emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the +ITALIAN Opera. French dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at once, +and in the best style: it is astonishing how quick and well she used to +speak--the French especially. + +Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement +Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the +age of three to fifteen; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug, +adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the +boarders. I think I found out the dear soul's reason; for, one day, +speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the +Kilblazes, she whispered to him that "she never would have thought of +sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid; +THEIR lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did +the best they could on their income!" + +Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been +tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, and, +as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You +read in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called it,) after the +account of the charges for board, masters, extras, &c.--"Every young +nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife, fork, spoon, and +goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned; a +dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c. +The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have more than ten guineas of +pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or he be above +fifteen years of age. WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm, vapor, +and douche baths. CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of +fifteen guineas per quarter. It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young +nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to +THE CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment were +profane. + +"CLEMENT CODDLER, M. A., + +"Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster. + +"MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY." + + +To this establishment our Tug was sent. "Recollect, my dear," said his +mamma, "that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to +beat all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington MacTurk, +who, though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of +Tuggeridgeville." + +Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as +any young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and +could shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the old time, when we +were not great people: when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn +Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for, on going to +school. + +However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send +monthly accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of +the world, I don't know who was. It was + + General behavior......excellent. + English...............very good. + French................tres bien. + Latin.................optime. + +And so on:--he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month +for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he +had been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler, +one of the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bedrooms +and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them), +which were all as comfortable as comfortable might be. "It is a +holiday, today," said Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it seemed to be. In +the dining-room were half a dozen young gentlemen playing at cards ("All +tip-top nobility," observed Mr. Coddler);--in the bedrooms there was +only one gent: he was lying on his bed, reading novels and smoking +cigars. "Extraordinary genius!" whispered Coddler. "Honorable Tom +Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's; smokes all day; and has written the +SWEETEST poems you can imagine. Genius, my dear madam, you know--genius +must have its way." "Well, UPON my word," says Jemmy, "if that's genius, +I had rather that Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull +fellow." + +"Impossible, my dear madam," said Coddler. "Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe COULDN'T +be stupid if he TRIED." + +Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of +Allycompane. We were introduced instantly: "Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr. +and Mrs. Coxe." The little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very +low, and so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord making for the +playground, begged him to show us the way.--"Come along," says my lord; +and as he walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the +beautiful holes in his jacket, and elsewhere. + +About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a +pastry-cook's shop at the end of the green. "That's the grub-shop," said +my lord, "where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and +them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick." + +Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. "That's +Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am," says my lord. "We keep him, for he's very +useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when there's a +fight, or a game at cricket.--Well, Hicks, how's your mother? what's the +row now?" "I believe, my lord," said the usher, very meekly, "there is a +pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises--the Honorable Mr. Mac--" + +"Oh! COME along," said Lord Lollypop, "come along: this way, ma'am! Go +it, ye cripples!" And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in the kindest +and most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to +be so taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running +across the green. "Who is it, Petitoes?" screams my lord. "Turk and the +barber," pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastry-cook's like mad. "Turk +and the ba--," laughs out my lord, looking at us. "HURRA! THIS way, +ma'am!" And turning round a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard, +where a number of boys were collected, and a great noise of shrill +voices might be heard. "Go it, Turk!" says one. "Go it, barber!" says +another. "PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!" roars another, whose voice was just +cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short for him! + +Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling +away at the Honorable Master MacTurk! My dear Jemmy, who don't +understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand +tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds, +while, with the other, she clawed hold of Master MacTurk's red hair, +and, as soon as she got her second hand free, banged it about his face +and ears like a good one. + +"You nasty--wicked--quarrelsome--aristocratic" (each word was a +bang)--"aristocratic--oh! oh! oh!"--Here the words stopped; for what +with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the +shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered, my dear +Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my arms. + + +DOWN AT BEULAH. + + +Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us, +yet Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their acquaintance +over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting, +making friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the +holidays. Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame +de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have +related. When our friend the Baron first saw Madame, a very tender +greeting passed between them; for they had, as it appeared, been old +friends abroad. "Sapristie," said the Baron, in his lingo, "que fais-tu +ici, Amenaide?" "Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says she, "est-ce qu'on +t'a mis a la retraite? Il parait que tu n'es plus General chez Franco--" +"CHUT!" says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips. + +"What are they saying, my dear?" says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a +pretty knowledge of the language by this time. + +"I don't know what 'Sapristie' means, mamma; but the Baron asked Madame +what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot, you are no +more a General at Franco.'--Have I not translated rightly, Madame?" + +"Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right. +Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years." + +"Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron; "Baron Chicot de Punter +is my name." + +"And being a General at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I suppose, being a +French General?" + +"Yes, I vas," said he, "General Baron de Punter--n'est 'a pas, +Amenaide?" + +"Oh, yes!" said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy laughed +out of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall +hear. + +About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that +admirable institution, "The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;" Lady de +Sudley was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, the +excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that +of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her ladyship's), drew +away five hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the Charity: and +Lady de Sudley thought a fete at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the +foreign princes who were in town last year, might bring a little more +money into its treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and +published in all the papers:-- + + +"APPEAL. + +"BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME. + +"The 'Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been established seven years: +and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated, +INCALCULABLE. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen have been +lodged within its walls. One hundred and two British Washerwomen +have been relieved when in the last state of decay. ONE HUNDRED AND +NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been +washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And, +by an arrangement with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped +that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL will be confided to the British +Washerwoman's Home! + +"With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable to +think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to reject +the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE +BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? Ladies of +England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there one of you that +will not respond to the cry in behalf of these deserving members of our +sex? + +"It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at +Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the first +foreign and native TALENT; by the first foreign and native RANK; and +where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S FRIEND." + + +Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke +of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency +Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the Persian +Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His +Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the Spanish +Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of +Topinambo, and a host of other fashionables, promised to honor the +festival: and their names made a famous show in the bills. Besides +these, we had the celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seven +Transylvanian trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian Minnesingers; with +all the leading artists of London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of +Europe. + +I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British +Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was +erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was hung round +with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen's orphans; ninety-six +of whom were to be feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the +Ladies-Patronesses. + +Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count, +Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and +barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her +carriage-and-two. + +There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the +Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their beaux +went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having each an +arm of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and Jemimarann. +Whilst they were walking, whom should they light upon but poor Orlando +Crump, my successor in the perfumery and hair-cutting. + +"Orlando!" says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out +her hand. + +"Jemimar!" says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum. + +"SIR!" says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess. + +"What! madam," says poor Crump, "don't you remember your shopboy?" + +"Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?" whimpers Jemimarann, whose +hand he had got hold of. + +"Miss Tuggeridge Coxe," says Jemmy, "I'm surprised of you. Remember, +sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more +familiarity." + +"Insolent fellow!" says the Baron, "vat is dis canaille?" + +"Canal yourself, Mounseer," says Orlando, now grown quite furious: he +broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann, +as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill; and her mamma, +therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame +Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself with the other gentlemen, in +order to join us. + +It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac +suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a +friend whom she saw pass. + +The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the +champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I +don't know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when the +Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration. + +Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by +my side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian +Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy:-- + + "Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee. + Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee." + "Chorus--Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!" + +They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual, +and had just come to the "o-o-o," at the end of the chorus of the +forty-seventh stanza, when Orlando started: "That's a scream!" says he. +"Indeed it is," says I; "and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very +ugly scream too:" when I heard another shrill "Oh!" as I thought; and +Orlando bolted off, crying, "By heavens, it's HER voice!" "Whose voice?" +says I. "Come and see the row," says Tag. And off we went, with a +considerable number of people, who saw this strange move on his part. + +We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting; +her mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the ground, holding +a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando squaring at him, and +calling on him to fight if he dared. + +My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. "Take that feller away," says she; +"he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the +least." + +Poor Orlando was carried off. "I've no patience with the little minx," +says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. "She might be a Baron's lady; and +she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand." + +"Oh, mamma! mamma!" sobs poor Jemimarann, "but he was t-t-tipsy." + +"T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a +nobleman who does not know what he is doing." + + +A TOURNAMENT. + + +"I say, Tug," said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at Beulah, +"Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I +told you: the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we +are going to do. What do you think? we're going to have a tournament!" +"What's a tournament?" says Tug, and so said his mamma when she heard +the news; and when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she +WAS as angry as MacTurk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days +together. "What!" says she, "dress up in armor, like play-actors, and +run at each other with spears? The Kilblazes must be mad!" And so I +thought, but I didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they +were: for, when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as +yet, a profound secret, what does she do, but send down to the Morning +Post a flaming account of + + +"THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE! + +"The days of chivalry are NOT past. The fair Castellane of +T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been +alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall exceed +in splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are not at +liberty to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de +P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th--s T-gr-g, are +to be the knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN OF BEAUTY, +of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power; a +banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a ball, in which the +recollections of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones +of Weippert and Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye +of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for her distinguished guests." + + +The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback, and +in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number of our +friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he vaulted over +his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never were done except +at Ducrow's. + +And now--oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter, to +describe the wonders of the day!--Twenty-four knights came from Ashley's +at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolford in the +character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a +tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called +ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put up when people die,) and +underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament. +Tagrag was in brass armor (my City connections got him that famous +suit); his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet, +modelled exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in "Henry V.;" a tight +gilt jacket, which set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train +of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided +with pearls. Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady +Blanche Bluenose as a Turkish princess. An alderman of London and his +lady; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon; +several Polish noblemen; two Italian counts (besides our Count); +one hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in full +uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B., +and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing Establishment, and fourteen +young ladies, all in white: the Reverend Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine +young gentlemen, of the first families, under his charge--were SOME +only of the company. I leave you to fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for +fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They wanted me to have +mounted again, but my hunting-day had been sufficient; besides, I ain't +big enough for a real knight: so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening +the Tournament--and I knew it was in vain to resist--the Baron and +Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with safety, +if I came off at all. They had procured from the Strand Theatre a famous +stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been trained for the use of +the great Lord Bateman. I did not know exactly what they were till they +arrived; but as they had belonged to a lord, I thought it was all right, +and consented; and I found it the best sort of riding, after all, to +appear to be on horseback and walk safely a-foot at the same time; +and it was impossible to come down as long as I kept on my own legs: +besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I liked, +without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the +Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in +blue and gold: I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost +wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet +and breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at +the time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each +other, till, prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat +behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same +time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone. "This was sufficient," they +said, "for the laws of chivalry;" and I was glad to get off so. + +After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven, +in complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the ring; and the +Baron was far, far the most skilful. + +"How sweetly the dear Baron rides," said my wife, who was always ogling +at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. "I say, +Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course, +they came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called +it:--"I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that chap in harmer mustn't have been +one of hus." And this only made Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is, +the Baron had chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her +mother. + +The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him +the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he +receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet +mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of +the lists; then galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated, +he begged her to place it on his helmet. The poor girl blushed very +much, and did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up, +and, laying his hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his +ear, which made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off +violently. "Chacun pour soi," says he, "Monsieur de Taguerague,"--which +means, I am told, "Every man for himself." And then he rode away, +throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse caper +and prance, to the admiration of all beholders. + +After this came the "Passage of Arms." Tagrag and the Baron ran courses +against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece; whereupon the +other three refused to turn out; and preciously we laughed at them, to +be sure! + +"Now, it's OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT," says Tagrag, shaking his fist at the +Baron: "look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter, +I'll do my best!" And before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite +bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away, +spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed; in +vain I threw down my truncheon: they had broken two poles before I could +say "Jack Robinson," and were driving at each other with the two new +ones. The Baron had the worst of the first course, for he had almost +been carried out of his saddle. "Hark you, Chicot!" screamed out Tagrag, +"next time look to your head!" And next time, sure enough, each aimed at +the head of the other. + +Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's +helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer +still--his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground +like a stone. + +"He's won! he's won!" says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann +fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I +should drop. All the company were in an uproar: only the Baron looked +calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy; when, +all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man springing over the barrier, and +followed by three more, rushed towards the Baron. "Keep the gate, Bob!" +he holloas out. "Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, +for--" + +But he never said for what; shouting out, "Aha!" and "Sapprrrristie!" +and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into +his horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before another word. +He had threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr. +Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him; and when we took up the +bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water, +he told us all. "I had a writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't +vant to shpoil shport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey +knocked off his shteel cap!" + +***** + +Here was a pretty business! + + +OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED. + + +We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville: +but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor +Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and +the Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and silk +stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend in Pickwick; we, having employed +the gentlemen from Astley's Antitheatre, had some decent sport for our +money. + +We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself +by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb, +the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My +sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and +a sad thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no +more minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of +muffins across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea. + +Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was +the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at +Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good, +and declared that she should die unless she went to the seaside in +France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to +resist her as to resist her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; so +I told the people to pack up the things, and took four places on board +the "Grand Turk" steamer for Boulogne. + +The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my +carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before; +and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was +the--but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the other +carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants, and +fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear +girl in the journey. + +The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we +saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St. +Bartholomew;--why erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is in +Smithfield;--we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House, +where we saw the two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of +the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt +melancholy, for we were going among a people of swindlers, as all +Frenchmen are thought to be; and, besides not being able to speak the +language, leaving our own dear country and honest countrymen. + +Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest +civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor; ay, and your +honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. I +somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away. "Here, my fine +fellow," says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful, +holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other--"Here, +my fine chap," says I, "here's six shillings for you;" for I did not +care for the money. + +"Six what?" says he. + +"Six shillings, fellow," shrieks Jemmy, "and twice as much as your +fare." + +"Feller, marm!" says this insolent coachman. "Feller yourself, marm: do +you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and +bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps for six +hog?" And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it, +and doubling his fist put it so very near my nose that I really thought +he would have made it bleed. "My fare's heighteen shillings," says he, +"hain't it?--hask hany of these gentlemen." + +"Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six," says one of the fourteen +porters; "but if the gen'l'man IS a gen'l'man, he can't give no less +than a suffering anyhow." + +I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, "Holloa!" says +one. "What's the row?" says another. "Come, dub up!" roars a third. And +I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that +I took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had +disappeared by this time: they always do when there's a robbery or a row +going on. + +I was going after them. "Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young gentleman of +about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles, +and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together. "Stop, +Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, "and don't +forgit the cabman." + +"What's your fare, my lad?" says I. + +"Why, let's see--yes--ho!--my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpence +eggs--acly." + +The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed +very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was, +I thought, the hackney-coachman. "Why, YOU rascal!" says Jemmy, laying +hold of the boy, "do you want more than the coachman?" + +"Don't rascal ME, marm!" shrieks the little chap in return. "What's the +coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like; vy +don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I to +come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place, +and not git my fare, marm? Come, give me a suffering and a half, and +don't keep my hoss avaiting all day." This speech, which takes some time +to write down, was made in about the fifth part of a second; and, at +the end of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing +towards Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight. + +My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor, +and fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called "Policeman!" but a +policeman won't interfere in Thames Street; robbery is licensed there. +What was I to do? Oh! my heart beats with paternal gratitude when I +think of what my Tug did! + +As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting attitude, +Master Tuggeridge Coxe--who had been standing by laughing very rudely, +I thought--Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket suddenly into +his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start and recovered her +a little), and, before we could say a word was in the ring in which we +stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I don't know +how many newspaper-boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling +about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red +waistcoat, who brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the +enemy, was engaged in an instant. + +But la bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; and +MILLED away one, two, right and left--like a little hero as he is, with +all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came a crack which sent a +long dusky white hat--that looked damp and deep like a well, and had +a long black crape-rag twisted round it--first came a crack which sent +this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab and scattered among the +crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,--such as +a ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little +warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c. + +The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no +time: another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third, which hit +him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the +ground. + +"Brayvo, my lord!" shouted all the people around. + +"I won't have no more, thank yer," said the little cabman, gathering +himself up. "Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?" + +"What's your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?" says Tug. + +"Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he. "Go along,--you KNOW it is!" +and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and +hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. We heard the +packet-bell ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in time. + +I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very nearly +so, in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and Jemimarann, and Tug, +and the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came +to my turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a PLANK, but +seldom of their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the +vessel rode off a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the +water. You might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it +rung in my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving +her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of +my beaver-hat--though I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:--I +floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just +then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waistband of my whites, and +found myself hauled up in the air at the end of a boat-hook, to the +sound of "Yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!" and so I was dragged aboard. I +was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very +considerable quantity of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my +inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state. + + +NOTICE TO QUIT. + + +Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right +and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there; +and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a +lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said, +he possessed a magnificent ---- hotel he called it;--and I remember +Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea; but hotel, we found +afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need +I describe the road from Boulogne to Paris? or need I describe that +Capitol itself? Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there, +at "Murisse's Hotel," as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw +everything worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed +me, to be sure; but, when you're on a pleasure-party in a foreign +country, you must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort. + +Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of +trees, which--I don't know why--is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian +Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but +mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this +Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a tent where, during the +summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with his horses and +things. As everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the +thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go too; and go we did. + +It's just like Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who +goes round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there are a +dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, Dihannas, +Sultannas, Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There's the fat man, who +comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the +living skeleton! There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that +dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear +country. + +My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking +at her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any +knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it), +when there came in, presently, "the great Polish act of the Sarmatian +horse-tamer, on eight steeds," which we were all of us longing to see. +The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of +his horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You +couldn't see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and +applauded like mad. Presently, you saw there were only three horses in +front: he had slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and +it was clear that the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any +more. The people applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and +eight were made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and +out, with the others, so that you did not know which was which, the +house, I thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian +horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the +music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring; bending, +smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his heart, +just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But fancy our astonishment +when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming round with his four +pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, gave a start, and a--hupp! +which made all his horses stop stock-still at an instant. + +"Albert!" screamed my dear Jemmy: "Albert! Bahbahbah--baron!" The +Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels, three +times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight. + +It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER! + +Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; but +we heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and +had run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr. +Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree +with him; and we saw the last of him as he sprung over the barriers at +the Tuggeridgeville tournament. + +"Well, Jemimarann," says Jemmy, in a fury, "you shall marry Tagrag; +and if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a +baronet's lady." Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was of no use +to remonstrate. + +Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever to +go back to London: for what should we hear, but that that monster, +Tuggeridge, of the City--old Tug's black son, forsooth!--was going to +contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I don't know how +many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we set off immediately, +and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same "Grand Turk" +which had brought us to France. + +If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on +Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often +not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless +us! I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on +a paddle-box, roaring out, "Ease her! Stop her!" and the poor servants, +who are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;--breakfast, +lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;--for layers upon layers of travellers, +as it were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those +unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little did +we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and little were we +prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridgeville +property. + +Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man +of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off +to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of +going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates, we found +a crowd assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridige on +horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man +of business, and many more. "Mr. Scapgoat," says Tuggeridge, grinning, +and handing him over a sealed paper, "here's the lease; I leave you in +possession, and wish you good morning." + +"In possession of what?" says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville, +leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she +called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland +Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was +his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told +him to quit the house. Since then there had been law squabbles between +us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations. + +"Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam," roars he, "left me +by my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and +know as well as I do." + +"Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy; "he didn't die to leave his +estates to blackamoors--to negroes--to base-born mulatto story-tellers; +if he did may I be -----" + +"Oh, hush! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann. "Go it again, mother!" says +Tug, who is always sniggering. + +"What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?" cried Tagrag (who was the only +one of our party that had his senses). "What is this will?" + +"Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up. "For +heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and +Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people +are here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will +follow, of course." + +"Who has taken possession of this here property?" roars Jemmy, again. + +"My friend Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer.--Mr. Scapgoat grinned. + +"Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a +woman of no small spirit), "if you don't leave this ground I'll have +you pushed out with pitchforks, I will--you and your beggarly blackamoor +yonder." And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a stable fork +into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, armed with +a rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their heels, and I +hurrahed for joy to see such villany so properly treated. + +"That's sufficient, ain't it?" said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air +in the world. "Oh, completely," said the lawyer. "Mr. Tuggeridge, we've +ten miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant." And the whole +posse of them rode away. + + +LAW LIFE ASSURANCE. + + +We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from +Higgs, in London--which begun, "Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of +Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said county, was +attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and +arms, he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John +Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which +is not yet expired, and ejected him." And it went on to say that "we, +with force of arms, viz, with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected +him." Was there ever such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand +in defence of our own; and isn't it a sin that we should have been +turned out of our rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea? + +Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would you +believe it?--they told us to give up possession at once, as a will +was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused +their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will: she +pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; and believes, +to this day, that the story of its having been made thirty years ago, +in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's papers, and found there, and +brought to England, after a search made by order of Tuggeridge junior, +is a scandalous falsehood. + +Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? What +shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed +of the wig he sits in? What of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, who exerted their +eloquence against justice and the poor? On our side, too, was no less +a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the honor of the +British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too: for he actually +threw up his case! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his junior--and to +whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks--all might have been well. I +never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for +the first time in that court, said, "Standing here upon the pidestal of +secred Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict; +having before me a vinnerable judge, and an enlightened jury--the +counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor man's priceless +palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must the blush bejew +my cheek--" (somebody cried out, "O CHEEKS!" In the court there was a +dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was established, Mr. +Mulligan continued:)--"My lard, I heed them not; I come from a counthry +accustomed to opprission, and as that counthry--yes, my lard, THAT +IRELAND--(do not laugh, I am proud of it)--is ever, in spite of her +tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful: my client's cause, likewise, +will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility--I repeat, the MALIGNANT +IMBECILITY--of those who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth, +in my client's name, in my counthry's--ay, and MY OWN--I, with folded +arrums, hurl a scarnful and eternal defiance!" + +"For heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan"--("MULLIGAN, ME LARD," cried my +defender)--"Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief." + +Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed +with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the +situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge +the elder gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my +wife; the state of Ireland; the original and virtuous poverty of the +Coxes--from which he glanced passionately, for a few minutes (until the +judge stopped him), to the poverty of his own country; my excellence as +a husband, father, landlord; my wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All +was in vain--the trial went against us. I was soon taken in execution +for the damages; five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as +much more of Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get +me out of a much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that +along with the land went the house in town, and the money in the funds. +Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all. And when I was in +prison, who do you think would come and see me? None of the Barons, nor +Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill +our house, and eat and drink at our expense,--not even the ungrateful +Tagrag! + +I could not help now saying to my dear wife, "See, my love, we have been +gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it. +In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody +laughed at us." + +"Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter. + +"We asked great company, and they insulted us." + +"And spoilt mamma's temper," said Jemimarann. + +"Hush! Miss," said her mother; "we don't want YOUR advice." + +"Then you must make a country gentleman of me." + +"And send Pa into dunghills," roared Tug. + +"Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts." + +"Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them," cries my +little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy. + +"And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine +school." + +"And I give you my word," says Tug, "I'm as ignorant a chap as ever +lived." + +"You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy; "you've learned that at your +fine school." + +"I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't," +grumbles Tug. + +"You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a +swindler." + +"And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my girl. + +"Silence! Miss," says Jemmy, fiercely. + +"You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me +into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never can help us +after all your bad language." I said all this very smartly; for the fact +is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl +soundly. + +"Oh! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite +broken), "it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've +punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so, +so repent them!" Here Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung +herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten +minutes together. Even Tug looked queer: and as for me, it's a most +extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable didn't +make me quite happy.--I don't think, for the whole twelve months of +our good fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the +Fleet, where I was locked up. + +Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never +taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so +cruelly that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now. +He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and +he used to take home Jemmy's fronts and dress them for her; and when +locking-up time came, he used to see the ladies home to their little +three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. "Can +the bird forget its nest?" Orlando used to say (he was a romantic +young fellow, that's the truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron +incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann). "Can the bird, let +loose in eastern climes, forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember +its beloved bulbul?--Ah, no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I +hope to die--a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered +your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your +house, your furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty +shaving customers, to me? Are these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if +she would allow me to call her so. Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me +in the workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I +never, never shall be different!" When he had said this, Orlando was so +much affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room. + +Then Jemimarann began to cry too. "Oh, Pa!" said she, "isn't he--isn't +he a nice young man?" + +"I'm HANGED if he ain't," says Tug. "What do you think of his giving me +eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water for Mimarann?" + +"He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate," says +Jemmy. + +"What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than give +Tuggeridge the chance." + + +FAMILY BUSTLE. + + +Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in +prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves; +and were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings toward +him, and he actually wrote to me to say-- + + +"SIR,--I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do +not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims +which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my +father's estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my +father's papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with +perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs. +For this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself +(who acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a will, in India, +proved MY just claims, you must remember how they were met, and the +vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them. + +"I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more +fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will +give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you +shall find one to suit you. + +"I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. You +have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to try +his fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an +appointment; and am, Sir, your obedient servant, + +"JOHN TUGGERIDGE" + + +It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and +looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it. + +"I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any +rate," cries Jemmy. "There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a +whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him." + +"Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them +things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!" +And so she sailed out. + +Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been in +misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when +he heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando. +"Ah, I suppose you'll forget me now?" says he with a sigh; and seemed +the only unhappy person in company. + +"Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of +dignity, "that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work--" + +"Woman!" cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way), +"hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us +hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando, +if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you'll take five +hundred pounds for a half-share of the shop, they're yours; and THAT'S +for you, Mrs. Cox." + +And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop, +where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder, +plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and +Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all +day long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the +bridal-dresses: for the wedding is to take place the day after +to-morrow. I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and as +for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all +his Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of our friends and +neighbors, to celebrate our reappearance among them; and very merry we +all were. We had a capital fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy +hour this morning. We begun with quadrills, but I never could do 'em +well; and after that, to please Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a +gallopard, which I found anything but easy: for since I am come back to +a life of peace and comfort, it's astonishing how stout I'm getting. So +we turned at once to what Jemmy and me excels in--a country dance; which +is rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town life. As for +young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox says is +very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the sea. But stop! +here comes in the punchbowls; and if we are not happy, who is? I say I +am like the Swish people, for I can't flourish out of my native HAIR. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUES *** + +***** This file should be named 2675.txt or 2675.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/7/2675/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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