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diff --git a/2675-h/2675-h.htm b/2675-h/2675-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5cd5050 --- /dev/null +++ b/2675-h/2675-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,19415 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Burlesques + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 21, 2006 [EBook #2675] +Last Updated: March 5, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUES *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + BURLESQUES + </h1> + <h2> + By William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> <big><b>NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.</b></big> + </a><br /> <br /><br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> GEORGE DE BARNWELL </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> CODLINGSBY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> PHIL FOGARTY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> BARBAZURE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> LORDS AND LIVERIES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> CRINOLINE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> THE STARS AND STRIPES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> <big><b>THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA + PLUCHE, ESQ.,</b></big> </a><br /> <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> <big><b>THE + TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.</b></big> </a><br /> <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> <big><b>A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.</b></big> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER X. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XIII. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> <big><b>REBECCA AND ROWENA.</b></big> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> <big><b>THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH + REVOLUTION.</b></big> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0038"> CHAPTER VI. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0039"> CHAPTER VII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0040"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0041"> CHAPTER IX. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> <big><b>COX'S DIARY.</b></big> </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + GEORGE DE BARNWELL + </h2> + <h3> + BY SIR E. L. B. L., BART. + </h3> + <p> + VOL I. + </p> + <p> + In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their + offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, He is eternal. He has his + Mother's ravishing smile; his Father's steadfast eyes. He rises every day, + fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever young. + Dark, dark were this world of ours had either Divinity left it—dark + without the day-beams of the Latonian Charioteer, darker yet without the + daedal Smile of the God of the Other Bow! Dost know him, reader? + </p> + <p> + Old is he, Eros, the ever young. He and Time were children together. + Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable. Brightest of the + Divinities, where hast thou not been sung? Other worships pass away; the + idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling and almost + nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes no longer rise among the + quivering olive-groves of Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets of the + amethyst Aegean! These are gone, but thou remainest. There is still a + garland for thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah, many a + darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless One, and + the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries from the + bleeding hearts of men! + </p> + <p> + While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing? In Kingly and + Heroic ages, 'twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake. But in these, + our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The people + To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of old did the + sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate of the crowned Agamemnon. + </p> + <p> + Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? Fate, Passion, + Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the Furies that + tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us Still? are not these + still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of his palette? the chords of + his lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale—not of Kings—but of Men—not + of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief, and Crime. Listen, and but once more. + 'Tis for the last time (probably) these fingers shall sweep the strings. + </p> + <p> + E. L. B. L. NOONDAY IN CHEPE. + </p> + <p> + 'Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty River City!—its + banks wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man! The + toppling wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded + equipage of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger vehicle from the + green metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of our Babylon), in which + every traveller might, for a modest remuneration, take a republican seat; + the mercenary caroche, with its private freight; the brisk curricle of the + letter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet: these and a thousand others were + laboring and pressing onward, and locked and bound and hustling together + in the narrow channel of Chepe. The imprecations of the charioteers were + terrible. From the noble's broidered hammer-cloth, or the driving-seat of + the common coach, each driver assailed the other with floods of ribald + satire. The pavid matron within the one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for + her semestrial pittance) shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening + to his office (to add another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over + the blazoned panels, and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his + very Menials could not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they gayly + threaded the Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of + the scene, and exacerbated the already furious combatants by their + poignant infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as he regarded the hot + strife and struggle of these Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with + a sigh of the Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and + serene. + </p> + <p> + 'Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. The flaunting windows + of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering panes behind + which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to + pause: although only noon, the savory odors of the Cook Shops tempted the + over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to the fragrant potage that + mocks the turtle's flavor—the turtle! O dapibus suprimi grata + testudo Jovis! I am an Alderman when I think of thee! Well: it was noon in + Chepe. + </p> + <p> + But were all battling for gain there? Among the many brilliant shops whose + casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century back (about which + period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce. A rudely + carved image of a negro, with a fantastic plume and apron of variegated + feathers, decorated the lintel. The East and West had sent their + contributions to replenish the window. + </p> + <p> + The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of swarthy + sugar marked “ONLY 6 1/2d.”—That catty box, on which was the + epigraph “STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d,” was from the country of + Confutzee—that heap of dark produce bore the legend “TRY OUR REAL + NUT”—'Twas Cocoa—and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has + refreshed the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher. The shop in + question was, in a word, a Grocer's. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to judge + from his appearance (though 'twas a difficult task, as, in sooth, his back + was turned), had just reached that happy period of life when the Boy is + expanding into the Man. O Youth, Youth! Happy and Beautiful! O fresh and + roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet lies on the flowers, ere they have + been scorched and withered by Passion's fiery Sun! Immersed in thought or + study, and indifferent to the din around him, sat the boy. A careless + guardian was he of the treasures confided to him. The crowd passed in + Chepe; he never marked it. The sun shone on Chepe; he only asked that it + should illumine the page he read. The knave might filch his treasures; he + was heedless of the knave. The customer might enter; but his book was all + in all to him. + </p> + <p> + And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the counter + with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing at the boy, + admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the homely and tightened + garments he wore. + </p> + <p> + “Ahem! sir! I say, young man!” the customer exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “Ton d'apameibomenos prosephe,” read on the student, his voice choked with + emotion. “What language!” he said; “how rich, how noble, how sonorous! + prosephe podas—” + </p> + <p> + The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery, that + the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for the first + time remarked her. “A pretty grocer's boy you are,” she cried, “with your + applepiebomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kept waiting for + hever?” + </p> + <p> + “Pardon, fair Maiden,” said he, with high-bred courtesy: “'twas not French + I read, 'twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard. In what can I be + serviceable to ye, lady?” and to spring from his desk, to smooth his + apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no more, was + the work of a moment. + </p> + <p> + “I might have prigged this box of figs,” the damsel said good-naturedly, + “and you'd never have turned round.” + </p> + <p> + “They came from the country of Hector,” the boy said. “Would you have + currants, lady? These once bloomed in the island gardens of the blue + Aegean. They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is low; they're + fourpence-halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our teas? We do + not advertise, as some folks do: but sell as low as any other house.” + </p> + <p> + “You're precious young to have all these good things,” the girl exclaimed, + not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation. “If I was you, and + stood behind the counter, I should be eating figs the whole day long.” + </p> + <p> + “Time was,” answered the lad, “and not long since I thought so too. I + thought I never should be tired of figs. But my old uncle bade me take my + fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them.” + </p> + <p> + “I think you gentlemen are always so,” the coquette said. + </p> + <p> + “Nay, say not so, fair stranger!” the youth replied, his face kindling as + he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire. “Figs pall; but oh! the + Beautiful never does. Figs rot; but oh! the Truthful is eternal. I was + born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for + the Visionary. I stand behind the counter, it is true; but I ponder here + upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages. What is + grocery for one who has ambition? What sweetness hath Muscovada to him who + hath tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true Real, + and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination. But pardon me; with what + may I serve thee?” + </p> + <p> + “I came only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust,” the girl said, with a + faltering voice; “but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for ever!” + </p> + <p> + Only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust? Girl, thou camest for other things! + Thou lovedst his voice? Siren! what was the witchery of thine own? He + deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the little hand. She paid for + her small purchase, and with a farewell glance of her lustrous eyes, she + left him. She passed slowly through the portal, and in a moment was lost + in the crowd. It was noon in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was alone. + </p> + <p> + Vol. II. + </p> + <p> + We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to + anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which most + readers are familiar. + </p> + <p> + Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the tale is + briefly thus: + </p> + <p> + The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer's shop in + Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs, half a dozen + times in the week. + </p> + <p> + She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal attachment. + </p> + <p> + This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom swells with ambition. His + genius breaks out prodigiously. He talks about the Good, the Beautiful, + the Ideal, &c., in and out of all season, and is virtuous and eloquent + almost beyond belief—in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford, or E. + Aram, Esquires. + </p> + <p> + Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in the + world which he is destined to ornament. He outdoes all the dandies, all + the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries of the age—an + indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and George II.—dines + with Curll at St. John's Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel behind + Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the Chevalier St. + George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and + likewise in disguise at the shop in Cheapside. + </p> + <p> + His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very little + taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business to the + pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble Barnwells came. + George's cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret passion for + him. + </p> + <p> + Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant little + chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to present an + age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and correct as that in + the “Last of the Barons,” or in “Eugene Aram,” or other works of our + author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True and Beautiful, are + united. + </p> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> + <h3> + BUTTON'S IN PALL MALL. + </h3> + <p> + Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence which + society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall Mall, and + which, because they knock you down with their dulness, are called Clubs no + doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James's Street, at a + half-score of other dandies gaping from another bay-window over the way; + those who consult a dreary evening paper for news, or satisfy themselves + with the jokes of the miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town of + the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some six or + eight score years back. Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St. James's + Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy suffocating + waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the same quarter? + The Brougham from which thou descendest at the portal of the “Carlton” or + the “Travellers',” is like everybody else's; thy black coat has no more + plaits, nor buttons, nor fancy in it than thy neighbor's; thy hat was made + on the very block on which Lord Addlepate's was cast, who has just entered + the Club before thee. You and he yawn together out of the same omnibus-box + every night; you fancy yourselves men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves + men of fashion; you fancy yourselves men of taste; in fancy, in taste, in + opinion, in philosophy, the newspaper legislates for you; it is there you + get your jokes and your thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom—poor + Pall Mall dullards. Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you + at present occupy, there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some + five-and-twenty lustres ago. + </p> + <p> + We are at Button's—the well-known sign of the “Turk's Head.” The + crowd of periwigged heads at the windows—the swearing chairmen round + the steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the + lofty rank of their owners),—the throng of embroidered beaux + entering or departing, and rendering the air fragrant with the odors of + pulvillio and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort of London's Wit and + Fashion. It is the corner of Regent Street. Carlton House has not yet been + taken down. + </p> + <p> + A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate at one + of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit is likewise + embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A little + deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the Morning Chronicle newspaper + by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and a shovel hat and + cassock, is talking freely with a gentleman, whose star and ribbon, as + well as the unmistakable beauty of his Phidian countenance, proclaims him + to be a member of Britain's aristocracy. + </p> + <p> + Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the other + with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating Race, are + gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club, + but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite dish, + the muffin (then newly invented), at the desire of some of the revellers + within. + </p> + <p> + “I would, Sam,” said the wild youth to his companion, “that I had some of + my mother Macclesfield's gold, to enable us to eat of those cates and + mingle with yon springalds and beaux.” + </p> + <p> + “To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy,” said the youth addressed + as Sam, “might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the cheek of the + parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life when History fortifies + endurance: and past study renders present deprivation more bearable. If + our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution, Dick, supply the + deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we desire to-day would little benefit + us to-morrow. Poor and hungry as we are, are we less happy, Dick, than yon + listless voluptuary who banquets on the food which you covet?” + </p> + <p> + And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the “Parthenon” + Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel at a neighboring + cook's shop. Their names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the conversation at Button's was fast and brilliant. “By Wood's + thirteens, and the divvle go wid 'em,” cried the Church dignitary in the + cassock, “is it in blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir Richard, when + you ought to be in seebles?” + </p> + <p> + “Who's dead, Dean?” said the nobleman, the dean's companion. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name's Jonathan Swift—and + I'm not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father's name?—there's + been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely. A child of Dick Steele's + has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered, and it's Joe Addison + yondther has done it. Ye should have killed one of your own, Joe, ye thief + of the world.” + </p> + <p> + “I!” said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; “I kill Dick's + child! I was godfather to the last.” + </p> + <p> + “And promised a cup and never sent it,” Dick ejaculated. Joseph looked + grave. + </p> + <p> + “The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet. What made + ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? The whole town is in tears about the good + knight; all the ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning; all the + booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the copies of the + Spectator are sold since the death of the brave old gentleman.” And the + Dean of St. Patrick's pulled out the Spectator newspaper, containing the + well-known passage regarding Sir Roger's death. “I bought it but now in + 'Wellington Street,'” he said; “the newsboys were howling all down the + Strand.” + </p> + <p> + “What a miracle is Genius—Genius, the Divine and Beautiful,” said a + gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed cavalier in + iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in fact Mr. Alexander + Pope. “What a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege of Art! To make + the Ideal more credible than the Actual: to enchain our hearts, to command + our hopes, our regrets, our tears, for a mere brain-born Emanation: to + invest with life the Incorporeal, and to glamour the cloudy into + substance,—these are the lofty privileges of the Poet, if I have + read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the sounds that rang from + Homer's lyre, as with the strains which celebrate the loss of Belinda's + lovely locks”—(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly delighted)—“these, + I say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet—the Poietes—the + Maker—he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot charm + death into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty out of + Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal. Ho! Jemmy, another + flask of Nantz.” + </p> + <p> + And the boy—for he who addressed the most brilliant company of wits + in Europe was little more—emptied the contents of the brandy-flask + into a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of the company + assembled. 'Twas the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently, and + with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee-house, and + was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past the National Gallery. + </p> + <p> + “Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe Addison himself, in + drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the three kingdoms,” Dick + Steele said, good-naturedly. + </p> + <p> + “His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard,” the + Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed. “He is the author of that famous + No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the credit.” + </p> + <p> + “The rascal foiled me at capping verses,” Dean Swift said, “and won a + tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!” + </p> + <p> + “He has suggested an emendation in my 'Homer,' which proves him a delicate + scholar,” Mr. Pope exclaimed. + </p> + <p> + “He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and we + must have an eye upon him,” said Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of State + for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who was + drinking at a side-table, whispered to him something. + </p> + <p> + Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all the wits + of London with admiration? His galloping charger had returned to the City; + his splendid court-suit was doffed for the citizen's gabardine and + grocer's humble apron. + </p> + <p> + George de Barnwell was in Chepe—in Chepe, at the feet of Martha + Millwood. + </p> + <p> + VOL III. THE CONDEMNED CELL. + </p> + <p> + “Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor? Nay,” George added, a + faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, “why speak to thee in + the accents of the Roman poet, which thou comprehendest not? Bright One, + there be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth, + this Heart on which thou leanest, which are equally unintelligible to + thee! Yes, my pretty one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what + is the Ideal but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And + the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders by + the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck before that + Azure Mystery.” + </p> + <p> + Emily's eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew. “Speak on, speak ever thus, my + George,” she exclaimed. Barnwell's chains rattled as the confiding girl + clung to him. Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed to sit with the + Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate language, and also + burst into tears. + </p> + <p> + “You weep, my Snoggin,” the Boy said; “and why? Hath Life been so charming + to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no after-Weariness? + Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory no Mockery? Psha! I am + sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine and Wit, and—nay, + start not, my Adelaide—and Woman. I fling away all these things as + the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul's Nursery. I am a Man, and pine for + the Illimitable! Mark you me! Has the Morrow any terrors for me, think ye? + Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca blench in his bath? Did + Brutus shirk the sword when his great stake was lost? Did even weak + Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent's fatal nip? And why should I? My great + Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit. Lie sheathed in my heart, + thou flashing Blade! Welcome to my Bosom, thou faithful Serpent; I hug + thee, peace-bearing Image of the Eternal! Ha, the hemlock cup! Fill high, + boy, for my soul is thirsty for the Infinite! Get ready the bath, friends; + prepare me for the feast To-morrow—bathe my limbs in odors, and put + ointment in my hair.” + </p> + <p> + “Has for a bath,” Snoggin interposed, “they're not to be 'ad in this ward + of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little hoil for your + 'air.” + </p> + <p> + The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. “My guardian understands me + not, pretty one—and thou? what sayest thou? From those dear lips + methinks—plura sunt oscula quam sententiae—I kiss away thy + tears, dove!—they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will + dry, and presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they have + beamed on poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not all forget him, sweet + one. He was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for all the world + said—” + </p> + <p> + “That, that he had,” cried the gaoler and the girl in voices gurgling with + emotion. And you who read! you unconvicted Convict—you murderer, + though haply you have slain no one—you Felon in posse if not in esse—deal + gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has failed thee—and + believe that the Truthful and the Beautiful bloom sometimes in the dock + and the convict's tawny Gabardine! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought to + acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. “It may be an error of + judgment,” he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol, “but it is no + crime. Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no remorse, + Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry: therefore, I am innocent. Is the + proposition a fair one?” + </p> + <p> + The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested. + </p> + <p> + “And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow,” the Boy resumed, “for ridding + the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was dross, and who + never had a feeling for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I stood + before my uncle in the moonlight, in the gardens of the ancestral halls of + the De Barnwells, I felt that it was the Nemesis come to overthrow him. + 'Dog,' I said to the trembling slave, 'tell me where thy Gold is. THOU + hast no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the Poverty on which thou + tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest not; in uplifting Art, to + which thou art blind. Give Gold, and thou art free.' But he spake not, and + I slew him.” + </p> + <p> + “I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated,” said the admirable + chaplain, “for its general practice might chance to do harm. Thou, my son, + the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and Beloved, the Poet and Sage, urged + by what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast appeared as Avenger. + Think what would be the world's condition, were men without any Yearning + after the Ideal to attempt to reorganize Society, to redistribute + Property, to avenge Wrong.” + </p> + <p> + “A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven,” said the noble though misguided + young Prisoner. “Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, indeed, my brave youth!” the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed, + clasping the Prisoner's marble and manacled hand; “and the Tragedy of + To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted even + to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal and the + Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Real likewise.” + </p> + <p> + “Look! here is supper!” cried Barnwell gayly. “This is the Real, Doctor; + let us respect it and fall to.” He partook of the meal as joyously as if + it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could + scarcely eat it for tears. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is + expressed much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of + Eugene Aram:—“The burning desires I have known—the + resplendent visions I have nursed—the sublime aspirings + that have lifted me so often from sense and clay: these tell + me, that whether for good or ill, I am the thing of an + immortality and the creature of a God. . . . I have + destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by + which he afflicted society, I have been the means of + blessing many.” + </pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CODLINGSBY. + </h2> + <h3> + BY D. SHREWSBERRY, ESQ. + </h3> + <p> + I. + </p> + <p> + “The whole world is bound by one chain. In every city in the globe there + is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize from its + likeness to its brother district in all other places where are congregated + the habitations of men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or New York, or + Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where a certain man is + not a stranger. Where the idols are fed with incense by the streams of + Ching-wang-foo; where the minarets soar sparkling above the cypresses, + their reflections quivering in the lucid waters of the Golden Horn; where + the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and over imperial glories; + where the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the palm-trees; where the + Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its bridges, its graceful + factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes—hidden in fog and smoke by + the dirtiest river in the world—in all the cities of mankind there + is One Home whither men of one family may resort. Over the entire world + spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering, silent, scattered, sympathizing, + WAITING—an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread band was an + Arabian clan—a little nation alone and outlying amongst the mighty + monarchies of ancient time, the Megatheria of history. The sails of their + rare ships might be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of their + caravans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the + date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in many + wars, against mighty odds; but 'twas a small people, and on one dark night + the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian's Eagles, and in flame, and + death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . . Yes, the Jewish + city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken the world in + exchange?” + </p> + <p> + Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he debouched + from Wych Street into the Strand. He had been to take a box for Armida at + Madame Vestris's theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame Vestris's + theatre; and her little brougham, and her little self, and her enormous + eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her miraculous bouquet, which + cost Lord Codlingsby twenty guineas every evening at Nathan's in Covent + Garden (the children of the gardeners of Sharon have still no rival for + flowers), might be seen, three nights in the week at least, in the narrow, + charming, comfortable little theatre. Godfrey had the box. He was + strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts passed through the + young noble's mind as he came in sight of Holywell Street. + </p> + <p> + The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in the + evening sunshine. Children were playing on the steps. Fathers were smoking + at the lintel. Smiling faces looked out from the various and darkling + draperies with which the warehouses were hung. Ringlets glossy, and curly, + and jetty—eyes black as night—midsummer night—when it + lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks of eagles—eager quivering + nostrils—lips curved like the bow of Love—every man or maiden, + every babe or matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one or + more of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race. + </p> + <p> + “How beautiful they are!” mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these placid + groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset. + </p> + <p> + “D'you vant to look at a nishe coat?” a voice said, which made him start; + and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of Stultz's with + a familiarity which would have made the baron tremble. + </p> + <p> + “Rafael Mendoza!” exclaimed Godfrey. + </p> + <p> + “The same, Lord Codlingsby,” the individual so apostrophized replied. “I + told you we should meet again where you would little expect me. Will it + please you to enter? this is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices + my heart to welcome you home.” So saying Rafael laid his hand on his + breast, and bowed, an oriental reverence. All traces of the accent with + which he first addressed Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise; + half the Hebrew's life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, since + the Norman boors persecuted him. + </p> + <p> + They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies, greasy + spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and hideous as the + entrance was foul. “THIS your home, Rafael?” said Lord Codlingsby. + </p> + <p> + “Why not?” Rafael answered. “I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein; the + Rhine bores me after a while. It is too hot for Florence; besides they + have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place smells of putty. You + wouldn't have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in Normandy, + out of the hunting season? The Rugantino Palace stupefies me. Those + Titians are so gloomy, I shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I think, + from my house at the Hague hung over them.” + </p> + <p> + “How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you, Rafael?” + Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing. + </p> + <p> + “This is one,” Rafael answered. “Come in.” + </p> + <p> + II. + </p> + <p> + The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming sullenly + over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary's was clanging with alarm; St. + Giles's tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, flights of brickbats, + stones shivering windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened + females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the enemy from + Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed that the battle was at its + height. + </p> + <p> + In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the cuirassiers + would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that infuriate mob. In + France they would have brought down artillery, and played on it with + twenty-four pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance—it + was a Town and Gown row. + </p> + <p> + The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout + Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the Brazenose + light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words arose regarding + the dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the boats pulled back + to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance between the Townsmen and the + University youths—their invariable opponents—grew louder and + more violent, until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmishing + took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the University gate + down to the broad and shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of + Balliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young + sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar of + the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful + butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great + University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the + combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection. + </p> + <p> + During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a + narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a hundred + yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have a good view of + that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few rapid + strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong ahead; then he + would wait, surveying the race, and sending up volumes of odor from his + cool narghilly. + </p> + <p> + “Who is he?” asked the crowds who panted along the shore, encouraging, + according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the oarsmen in the race. Town + and Gown alike asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking, in a + barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a skill so + prodigious, beat their best men. No answer could be given to the query, + save that a gentleman in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six + fourgons and a courier, had arrived the day before at the “Hoop Inn,” + opposite Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the + individual in question. + </p> + <p> + No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any that ever + was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman. That boat—slim, + shining, and shooting through the water like a pike after a small fish—was + a caique from Tophana; it had distanced the Sultan's oarsmen and the best + crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus; it was the workmanship of + Togrul-Beg, Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The Bashee had refused fifty + thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the Russian Ambassador, for that + little marvel. When his head was taken off, the Father of Believers + presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza. + </p> + <p> + It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the battle of + Nezeeb. By sending three millions of piastres to the Seraskier; by bribing + Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in the camp of the victorious + Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped—the menaced + empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin; the Marchioness of Stokepogis, + our ambassador's lady, appeared in a suite of diamonds which outblazed + even the Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the little caique. + He never travelled without it. It was scarcely heavier than an arm-chair. + Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the Cam that morning, and + Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have mentioned. + </p> + <p> + The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed, + full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown was angry, the Town, too, was + on the alert. From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from wharf + and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the enemy, and their battle was + soon general. From the Addenbrook's hospital to the Blenheim turnpike, all + Cambridge was in an uproar—the college gates closed—the shops + barricaded—the shop-boys away in support of their brother townsmen—the + battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight. + </p> + <p> + A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at his + inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university cooks to + entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water formed his meal. + In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the slighted + banquet. “A breakfast! psha!” said he. “My good man, I have nineteen + cooks, at salaries rising from four hundred a year. I can have a dinner at + any hour; but a Town and Gown row” (a brickbat here flying through the + window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza's hand)—“a Town and + Gown row is a novelty to me. The Town has the best of it, clearly, though: + the men outnumber the lads. Ha, a good blow! How that tall townsman went + down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet trencher cap.” + </p> + <p> + “That is the Lord Codlingsby,” the landlord said. + </p> + <p> + “A light weight, but a pretty fighter,” Mendoza remarked. “Well hit with + your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby; claret drawn, + by Jupiter!” + </p> + <p> + “Ours is werry fine,” the landlord said. “Will your Highness have Chateau + Margaux or Lafitte?” + </p> + <p> + “He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!” Rafael + exclaimed, as an enormous boatman—no other than Rullock—indeed, + the most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose fists the Gownsmen + went down like ninepins—fought his way up to the spot where, with + admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and one or two of his + friends were making head against a number of the town. + </p> + <p> + The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his race, + but was no match for the enemy's strength and weight and sinew, and went + down at every round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. His savage + treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal combat from the + inn-window. “Hold your hand!” he cried to this Goliath; “don't you see + he's but a boy?” + </p> + <p> + “Down he goes again!” the bargeman cried, not heeding the interruption. + “Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!” + </p> + <p> + “Coward!” shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a shower of + brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one of the pillars to + the ground, was an instant's work. + </p> + <p> + At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + After the coroner's inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to each of + the bargeman's ten children, and it was thus his first acquaintance was + formed with Lord Codlingsby. + </p> + <p> + But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell Street. Let + us go in. + </p> + <p> + III. + </p> + <p> + Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of the old + mansion in Holywell Street. It was a masquerade warehouse to all appearance. + A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing at the dark and grimy + counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow hoots, old stage mantles, + painted masks, blind and yet gazing at you with a look of sad death-like + intelligence from the vacancy behind their sockets. + </p> + <p> + A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny and + silver, slashed with dirty light blue. He was going to a masquerade that + night. He thought Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress—Polly + Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work—the Borough Venus, adored + by half the youth of Guy's. + </p> + <p> + “You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint,” pretty Rachel said, coaxing him + with her beady black eyes. + </p> + <p> + “It IS the cheese,” replied Mr. Lint; “it ain't the dress that don't suit, + my rose of Sharon; it's the FIGURE. Hullo, Rafael, is that you, my lad of + sealing-wax? Come and intercede for me with this wild gazelle; she says I + can't have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it's too much: cuss me + if it's not too much, unless you'll take my little bill at two months, + Rafael.” + </p> + <p> + “There's a sweet pretty brigand's dress you may have for half de monish,” + Rafael replied; “there's a splendid clown for eight bob; but for dat + Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve'd ask a guinea of any + but you. Here's a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look 'ear, Mr. + Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat?” So saying, Rafael + turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost gravity, and displayed to him + the garment about which the young medicus was haggling. + </p> + <p> + “Cheap at the money,” Codlingsby replied; “if you won't make up your mind, + sir, I should like to engage it myself.” But the thought that another + should appear before Polly Pattens in that costume was too much for Mr. + Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment. And Rafael, + pocketing the money with perfect simplicity, said, “Dis vay, Mr. Brownsh: + dere's someting vill shoot you in the next shop.” + </p> + <p> + Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering. + </p> + <p> + “You are surprised at our system,” said Rafael, marking the evident + bewilderment of his friend. “Confess you would call it meanness—my + huckstering with yonder young fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away a + shilling without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four men's bread: + shall I disdain to defile my fingers by holding them out relief in their + necessity? It is you who are mean—you Normans—not we of the + ancient race. You have your vulgar measurement for great things and small. + You call a thousand pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable. Psha, my + Codlingsby! One is as the other. I trade in pennies and in millions. I am + above or below neither.” + </p> + <p> + They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of cedar, and, + in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the young Hebrews are + in the habit of vending through the streets. “I have sold bundles and + bundles of these,” said Rafael. “My little brother is now out with oranges + in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be head of our house at Amsterdam. + We all do it. I had myself to see Rothschild in Eaton Place this morning, + about the Irish loan, of which I have taken three millions: and as I + wanted to walk, I carried the bag. + </p> + <p> + “You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the Archbishop of + Croydon's daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet's, Knightsbridge, and as + she fancied she recognized in the man who was crying old clothes the + gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de St. Aulair's the night + before.” Something like a blush flushed over the pale features of Mendoza + as he mentioned the Lady Lauda's name. “Come on,” said he. They passed + through various warehouses—the orange room, the sealing-wax room, + the six-bladed knife department, and finally came to an old baize door. + Rafael opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they were in + a black passage, with a curtain at the end. + </p> + <p> + He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew back, and + a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his visitor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> + <p> + They entered a moderate-sized apartment—indeed, Holywell Street is + not above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than half + that length—it was fitted up with the simple taste of its owner. + </p> + <p> + The carpet was of white velvet—(laid over several webs of Aubusson, + Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it trod + upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed you)—of + white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by + Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and Paul Delaroche. + The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and fringed with Valenciennes + lace and bullion. The walls were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered + with gold figures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses, and + passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The drops of dew which + the artificer had sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds. The hangings + were overhung by pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the gorgeous, Titian + the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of Painting), some of + Murillo's beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you out of darkness like a + star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and fifty of the master-pieces of + the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial genius of Urbino, covered the + walls of the little chamber. Divans of carved amber covered with ermine + went round the room, and in the midst was a fountain, pattering and + babbling with jets of double-distilled otto of roses. + </p> + <p> + “Pipes, Goliath!” Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver collar + (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); “and welcome to our + snuggery, my Codlingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of the + house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I'm proud of my pictures. That + Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a gift to our father from my cousin, + Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie Antoinette + before the flight to Varennes—the poor lady could not redeem the + pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us. As for the Rafael, I + suppose you are aware that he was one of our people. But what are you + gazing at? Oh! my sister—I forgot. Miriam! this is the Lord + Codlingsby.” + </p> + <p> + She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl + music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz. She rose when thus apostrophized. + Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger. + </p> + <p> + The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives—Zillah the dark beauty; + Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva were + golden. The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were morning. + Codlingsby was fair—of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa—they + called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much fairer was Miriam the + Hebrew! + </p> + <p> + Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the delight of + all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at. It was of burning + auburn. Meandering over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand minute + ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue velvet fillet + clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued at two hundred thousand tomauns, + and bought from Lieutenant Vicovich, who had received it from Dost + Mahomed), with a simple bird of paradise, formed her head-gear. A + sea-green cymar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded arms + to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over a yellow + satin frock. Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and slippers of the + same color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but so covered with + pearls that the original hue of the charming little papoosh disappeared + entirely) completed her costume. She had three necklaces on, each of which + would have dowered a Princess—her fingers glistened with rings to + their rosy tips, and priceless bracelets, bangles, and armlets wound round + an arm that was whiter than the ivory grand piano on which it leaned. + </p> + <p> + As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the solemn + welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the brightness of her + beauty. It was well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to + consciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recognition, he sank + upon a sandalwood settee, as Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic + coffee in cups of opal, and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the fragrant + Gibelly. + </p> + <p> + “My lord's pipe is out,” said Miriam with a smile, remarking the + bewilderment of her guest—who in truth forgot to smoke—and + taking up a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it + at the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk of Lord + Codlingsby. + </p> + <p> + IV. + </p> + <p> + When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a signal + from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of the ivory + piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he were listening at + the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny Lind. + </p> + <p> + “Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of + Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or Lewis or + Lyons or Lion. The beautiful and the brave alike give cognizances to the + ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or Rodgers,” + Rafael observed to his friend; and, drawing the instrument from his + pocket, he accompanied his sister, in the most ravishing manner, on a + little gold and jewelled harp, of the kind peculiar to his nation. + </p> + <p> + All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by composers of + her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca by Braham, a + delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on the + strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the heart; + but she sang no other than the songs of her nation. + </p> + <p> + “Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always,” Codlingsby thought. “I could sit + at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that Paradise-birds were + singing in the boughs.” + </p> + <p> + Rafael read his thoughts. “We have Saxon blood too in our veins,” he said. + “You smile! but it is even so. An ancestress of ours made a mesalliance in + the reign of your King John. Her name was Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of + York, and she married in Spain, whither she had fled to the Court of King + Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe; then a widower by the demise of his first + lady, Rowena. The match was deemed a cruel insult amongst our people but + Wilfred conformed, and was a Rabbi of some note at the synagogue of + Cordova. We are descended from him lineally. It is the only blot upon the + escutcheon of the Mendozas.” + </p> + <p> + As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having + retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the soul of + the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers from the outer + apartments came in to transact business with him. + </p> + <p> + First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers to + sign. “How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is your son + tired of his yacht yet?” Mendoza asked. “That is my twenty-fourth + cashier,” said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went away. + “He is fond of display, and all my people may have what money they like.” + </p> + <p> + Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his mortgage. The + Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a haughty air, shrank + back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding the magnificence around + him. “Little Mordecai,” said Rafael to a little orange-boy, who came in at + the heels of the noble, “take this gentleman out and let him have ten + thousand pounds. I can't do more for you, my lord, than this—I'm + busy. Good-by!” And Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking + his narghilly. + </p> + <p> + A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache, came + next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily upon his + high-heeled boots. “Tell your master that he shall have two millions more, + but not another shilling,” Rafael said. “That story about the + five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all bosh. They + won't believe it in Europe. You understand me, Count Grogomoffski?” + </p> + <p> + “But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the knout + unless—” + </p> + <p> + “Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court,” said + Mendoza good-naturedly. “Leave me at peace, Count: don't you see it is + Friday, and almost sunset?” The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left + an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him. + </p> + <p> + An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping + bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new loan + for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid colloquy in his + own language, was dismissed by Rafael. + </p> + <p> + “The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be disposed + of,” Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from Spain, General + the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him. “Which shall it be, my Codlingsby?” + Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer—for indeed he was amazed + to find all the affairs of the world represented here, and Holywell Street + the centre of Europe—when three knocks of a peculiar nature were + heard, and Mendoza starting up, said, “Ha! there are only four men in the + world who know that signal.” At once, and with a reverence quite distinct + from his former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer. + </p> + <p> + He was an old man—an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race—the + light of his eyes was unfathomable—about his mouth there played an + inscrutable smile. He had a cotton umbrella, and old trousers, and old + boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear. + </p> + <p> + He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made him + the lowest reverence. + </p> + <p> + “I am tired,” says he; “I have come in fifteen hours. I am ill at + Neuilly,” he added with a grin. “Get me some eau sucree, and tell me the + news, Prince de Mendoza. These bread rows; this unpopularity of Guizot; + this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and + daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against Coletti, makes me quite ill. + Give me your opinion, my dear duke. But ha! whom have we here?” + </p> + <p> + The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language to + address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have pleaded + ignorance of that tongue. But he had been at Cambridge, where all the + youth acquire it perfectly. + </p> + <p> + “SIRE,” said he, “I will not disguise from you that I know the ancient + tongue in which you speak. There are probably secrets between Mendoza and + your Maj—” + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” said Rafael, leading him from the room. “Au revoir, dear + Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of US,” he whispered at the door; “so is + the Pope of Rome; so is . . .”—a whisper concealed the rest. + </p> + <p> + “Gracious powers! is it so?” said Codlingsby, musing. He entered into + Holywell Street. The sun was sinking. + </p> + <p> + “It is time,” said he, “to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PHIL FOGARTY. + </h2> + <h3> + A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH. + </h3> + <p> + BY HARRY ROLLICKER. I. + </p> + <p> + The gabion was ours. After two hours' fighting we were in possession of + the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable as circumstances + would admit. Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and + myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our servants laid out a hasty supper + on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had escaped me so provokingly after I cut + him down, his spoils were mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna sausage were + found in the Marshal's holsters; and in the haversack of a French private + who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread, his three days' + ration. Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may be sure, wherever + the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him in his + instrument-case. We sat down and made a soldier's supper. The Doctor + pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees growing near (and + round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had made a desperate + rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere's helmet. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, it never had so much wit in it before,” said the Doctor, as he + ladled out the drink. We all roared with laughing, except the guardsman, + who was as savage as a Turk at a christening. + </p> + <p> + “Buvez-en,” said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; “ca vous fera du + bien, mon vieux coq!” and the Colonel, whose wound had been just dressed, + eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with a health to the + donors. + </p> + <p> + How strange are the chances of war! But half an hour before he and I were + engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my conqueror. + Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his horse, and was about to + despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was parried by my + sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the next instant at my throat—I + was on the ground—my prisoner had escaped, and a gigantic warrior in + the uniform of a colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring over me with + pointed sword. + </p> + <p> + “Rends-toi, coquin!” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Allez an Diable!” said I: “a Fogarty never surrenders.” + </p> + <p> + I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in Killaloo—I + felt the tip of his blade between my teeth—I breathed a prayer, and + shut my eyes—when the tables were turned—the butt-end of Lanty + Clancy's musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held it. + </p> + <p> + “Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish,” said the French officer, with a curse in the + purest Irish. It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough to bid Lanty + hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have brained my gallant + adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as what gallant + hearts are not? + </p> + <p> + The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we sat down + to make the most of our time. The rogue of a Doctor took the liver-wing + for his share—we gave the other to our guest, a prisoner; those + scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs—and, 'faith, + poor I was put off with the Pope's nose and a bit of the back. + </p> + <p> + “How d'ye like his Holiness's FAYTURE?” said Jerry Blake. + </p> + <p> + “Anyhow you'll have a MERRY THOUGHT,” cried the incorrigible Doctor, and + all the party shrieked at the witticism. + </p> + <p> + “De mortuis nil nisi bonum,” said Jack, holding up the drumstick clean. + </p> + <p> + “'Faith, there's not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED, anyhow,” + said I; “come, boys, let's have a song.” + </p> + <p> + “Here goes,” said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his own + composition— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill, + And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill, + Was once Tommy Tosspot's, as jovial a sot, + As e'er drew a spigot, or drain'd a full pot— + In drinking all round 'twas his joy to surpass, + And with all merry tipplers he swigg'd off his glass. + + “One morning in summer, while seated so snug, + In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug, + Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear, + And said, 'Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;' + We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can, + From which let us drink to the health of my Nan.” + </pre> + <p> + “Psha!” said the Doctor, “I've heard that song before; here's a new one + for you, boys!” and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “You've all heard of Larry O'Toole, + Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole; + He had but one eye, + To ogle ye by— + Oh, murther, but that was a jew'l! + A fool + He made of de girls, dis O'Toole. + + “'Twas he was the boy didn't fail, + That tuck down pataties and mail; + He never would shrink + From any sthrong dthrink, + Was it whisky or Drogheda ale; + I'm bail + This Larry would swallow a pail. + + “Oh, many a night at the bowl, + With Larry I've sot cheek by jowl; + He's gone to his rest, + Where there's dthrink of the best, + And so let us give his old sowl + A howl, + For twas he made the noggin to rowl.” + </pre> + <p> + I observed the French Colonel's eye glistened as he heard these well-known + accents of his country but we were too well-bred to pretend to remark his + emotion. + </p> + <p> + The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were finished, and + each began to look out with some anxiety for the preconcerted signal, the + rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian's quarters, which was to announce the + recommencement of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her silver + splendor, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to the earth at the feet + of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts at the head + of the storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns in position + opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by a tremendous + canonnade from the fort. + </p> + <p> + “Who's going to dance?” said the Doctor: “the ball's begun. Ha! there goes + poor Jack Delamere's head off! The ball chose a soft one, anyhow. Come + here, Tim, till I mend your leg. Your wife has need only knit half as many + stockings next year, Doolan my boy. Faix! there goes a big one had + wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad! it has snuffed the feather off my + cocked hat!” + </p> + <p> + In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail, the + undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty. That he had a + feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more so than Philip + Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war. + </p> + <p> + Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the + Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little. “Be cool, + boys,” I said; “it will be hot enough work for you ere long.” The honest + fellows answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our prisoner. + </p> + <p> + “Countryman,” said I, “I know you; but an Irishman was never a traitor.” + </p> + <p> + “Taisez-vous!” said he, putting his finger to his lip. “C'est la fortune + de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the Marquis d' O'Mahony, + and I may render you the hospitality which your tyrannous laws prevent me + from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race.” + </p> + <p> + I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye. It was, then, + the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a Marquis by Napoleon + on the field of Austerlitz! + </p> + <p> + “Marquis,” said I, “the country which disowns you is proud of you; but—ha! + here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance.” And in fact, Captain + Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot, asked for the commander + of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in readiness to move as soon as + the flank companies of the Ninety-ninth, and Sixty-sixth, and the + Grenadier Brigade of the German Legion began to advance up the echelon. + The devoted band soon arrived; Jack Bowser heading the Ninety-ninth (when + was he away and a storming-party to the fore?), and the gallant + Potztausend, with his Hanoverian veterans. + </p> + <p> + The second rocket flew up. + </p> + <p> + “Forward, Onety-oneth!” cried I, in a voice of thunder. “Killaloo boys, + follow your captain!” and with a shrill hurray, that sounded above the + tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep; Bowser with the + brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up with us. We + passed the demilune, we passed the culverin, bayoneting the artillerymen + at their guns; we advanced across the two tremendous demilunes which flank + the counterscarp, and prepared for the final spring upon the citadel. + Soult I could see quite pale on the wall; and the scoundrel Cambaceres, + who had been so nearly my prisoner that day, trembled as he cheered his + men. “On, boys, on!” I hoarsely exclaimed. “Hurroo!” said the fighting + Onety-oneth. + </p> + <p> + But there was a movement among the enemy. An officer, glittering with + orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to the wall, and + I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat. + </p> + <p> + “We are hardly pressed, methinks,” Napoleon said sternly. “I must exercise + my old trade as an artilleryman;” and Murat loaded, and the Emperor + pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that had not been + silenced by our fire. + </p> + <p> + “Hurray, Killaloo boys!” shouted I. The next moment a sensation of + numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the rampart. + </p> + <p> + II. + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis d' + O'Mahony. “Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you. For six weeks + those are the only sane words I have heard from you.” + </p> + <p> + “Faix, and 'tis thrue for you, Colonel dear,” cried another voice, with + which I was even more familiar; 'twas that of my honest and gallant Lanty + Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at his master's + recovery. + </p> + <p> + “O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day intirely, + when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't write, to the + lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; and 'tis his + Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the letther! + Six weeks ravin' and roarin' as bould as a lion, and as mad as Mick + Malony's pig, that mistuck Mick's wig for a cabbage, and died of atin' + it!” + </p> + <p> + “And have I then lost my senses?” I exclaimed feebly. + </p> + <p> + “Sure, didn't ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday, and + catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora's jet-black + ringlets?” Lanty cried. + </p> + <p> + At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young creature I + ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of the bed, and + sailed out of the room. + </p> + <p> + “Confusion, you blundering rogue,” I cried; “who is that lovely lady whom + you frightened away by your impertinence? Donna Anna? Where am I?” + </p> + <p> + “You are in good hands, Philip,” said the Colonel; “you are at my house in + the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military Governor. You and + Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do not + be ashamed: 'twas the Emperor pointed the gun;” and the Colonel took off + his hat as he mentioned the name darling to France. “When our troops + returned from the sally in which your gallant storming party was driven + back, you were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the City. + Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but, + unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved my + life in '98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris.” + </p> + <p> + “And many's the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther Phil,” + said Clancy. + </p> + <p> + “Brought you to Paris,” resumed the Colonel, smiling; “where, by the soins + of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you have been + restored to health, thank heaven!” + </p> + <p> + “And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?” I cried. + </p> + <p> + “That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a descendant of + the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses, Madame la Marechale + de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria.” + </p> + <p> + “Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?” I cried. + </p> + <p> + “Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?” the Colonel replied. “C'est la + fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and take this potion + which Blanche has prepared for you.” + </p> + <p> + I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had compounded + it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for I sank into a cool + and refreshing slumber. + </p> + <p> + From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of youth's + happy time. Blanche—the enchanting Blanche—ministered + henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily hand. And + what were the effects? 'Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was over + head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for Baron Larrey, and + Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to the right-about. In a short + time I was in a situation to do justice to the gigot aux navets, the boeuf + aux cornichons, and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis's board, + with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen who frequented it. + </p> + <p> + “Wait till he's quite well, Miss,” said Lanty, who waited always behind + me. “'Faith! when he's in health, I'd back him to ate a cow, barrin' the + horns and teel.” I sent a decanter at the rogue's head, by way of answer + to his impertinence. + </p> + <p> + Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole + withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot of + prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis's interest with the Emperor prevailed, + and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners, at the + Colonel's hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity (an + opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fellow with the + accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of mixing with the elite of + French society, and meeting with many of the great, the beautiful, and the + brave. Talleyrand was a frequent guest of the Marquis's. His bon-mots used + to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his chop with us; Murat, + when in town, constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and friendly round + game. Alas! who would have thought those two gallant heads would be so + soon laid low? My wife has a pair of earrings which the latter, who always + wore them, presented to her—but we are advancing matters. Anybody + could see, “avec un demioeil,” as the Prince of Benevento remarked, how + affairs went between me and Blanche; but though she loathed him for his + cruelties and the odiousness of his person, the brutal Cambaceres still + pursued his designs upon her. + </p> + <p> + I recollect it was on St. Patrick's Day. My lovely friend had procured, + from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved a + thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired woman, + between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of shamrock + wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris were invited to + the national festival. + </p> + <p> + I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline Bonaparte + and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of sets with Madame + Recamier; and Robespierre's widow—an excellent, gentle creature, + quite unlike her husband—stood up with the Austrian ambassador. + Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and Nicholas Poussin, and + Canova, who was in town making a statue of the Emperor for Leo X., and, in + a word, all the celebrities of Paris—as my gifted countrywoman, the + wild Irish girl, calls them—were assembled in the Marquis's elegant + receiving-rooms. + </p> + <p> + At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise! La Gigue + Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the Parisians ever + since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward and + took me for a partner, and amidst the bravoes of the crowd, in which stood + Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram, and the Austrian ambassador, we + showed to the beau monde of the French capital, I flatter myself, a not + unfavorable specimen of the dance of our country. + </p> + <p> + As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the “rail” + style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, “Be on your guard; I + see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about us; and when + Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good.” + </p> + <p> + “Cambaceres is jealous,” said I. “I have it,” says she; “I'll make him + dance a turn with me.” So, presently, as the music was going like mad all + this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds, and sat down. The + lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Cambaceres as a second + partner. + </p> + <p> + The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give himself a + waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was speedily visible. He + puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops trickled down his purple face, + while my lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble quick, + till she fairly danced him down. + </p> + <p> + “Who'll take the flure with me?” said the charming girl, animated by the + sport. + </p> + <p> + “Faix, den, 'tis I, Lanty Clancy!” cried my rascal, who had been mad with + excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and a hurroo, he + began to dance with such rapidity as made all present stare. + </p> + <p> + As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid cavalcade + traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the Marquis's door. A crowd + appeared to mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room were + flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties the Emperor and the + Empress. So engaged were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard the + tumult occasioned by the august approach. + </p> + <p> + It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre Francais, and + seeing the Marquis's windows lighted up, proposed to the Empress to drop + in on the party. He made signs to the musicians to continue: and the + conqueror of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the simple + evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Empress smiled and, seeing + this, all the courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were delighted. + </p> + <p> + “Is not this a great day for Ireland?” said the Marquis, with a tear + trickling down his noble face. “O Ireland! O my country! But no more of + that. Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch + or negus.” + </p> + <p> + Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was Eugene + Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine by her former + marriage with a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack of the old + blood in him, Eugene's manners were much more refined than those of the + new-fangled dignitaries of the Emperor's Court, where (for my knife and + fork were regularly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my poor friend + Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the gallant Massena + devour pease by means of his knife, in a way more innocent than graceful. + Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at these eccentricities of + our brave friends; who certainly did not shine in the drawing-room, + however brilliant they were in the field of battle. The Emperor always + asked me to take wine with him, and was full of kindness and attention. + </p> + <p> + “I like Eugene,” he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as his way + was—“I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows as you; + you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the camp have none. + And I like you, Philip my boy,” he added, “for being so attentive to my + poor wife—the Empress Josephine, I mean.” All these honors made my + friends at the Marquis's very proud, and my enemies at Court crever with + envy. Among these, the atrocious Cambaceres was not the least active and + envenomed. + </p> + <p> + The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which, like a + vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal amiability, + soon was apparent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from my + conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the war, the Emperor + was most anxious to attach me to his service. The Grand Cross of St. + Louis, the title of Count, the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the + l4me Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered to me; and + must I say it? Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one of the + agents employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason. + </p> + <p> + “Object to enter a foreign service!” she said, in reply to my refusal. “It + is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service. The Irish nation is in + exile, and in the territories of its French allies. Irish traitors are not + here; they march alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom the + great Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but for the + fatal valor of Irish mercenaries! Accept this offer, and my heart, my + hand, my all are yours. Refuse it, Philip, and we part.” + </p> + <p> + “To wed the abominable Cambaceres!” I cried, stung with rage. “To wear a + duchess's coronet, Blanche! Ha, ha! Mushrooms, instead of + strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French + nobility. I shall withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison—to + be exchanged—to die—anything rather than be a traitor, and the + tool of a traitress!” Taking up my hat, I left the room in a fury; and + flinging open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was listening at the + key-hole, and must have overheard every word of our conversation. + </p> + <p> + We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter at our + mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only made me more mad; and, having spurs + on, I began digging them into Cambaceres' fat sides as we rolled on the + carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and anger. + </p> + <p> + “This insult must be avenged with blood!” roared the Duke of Illyria. + </p> + <p> + “I have already drawn it,” says I, “with my spurs.” + </p> + <p> + “Malheur et malediction!” roared the Marshal. + </p> + <p> + “Hadn't you better settle your wig?” says I, offering it to him on the tip + of my cane, “and we'll arrange time and place when you have put your jasey + in order.” I shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast at me, + as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his mistress. + </p> + <p> + “Lady Blanche,” I continued bitterly, “as you look to share the Duke's + coronet, hadn't you better see to his wig?” and so saying, I cocked my + hat, and walked out of the Marquis's place, whistling “Garryowen.” + </p> + <p> + I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him in the + Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was looking at the + picture-shop in the corner. I explained to him my affair in a twinkling. + He at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended me, rather + than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had been made to me. “I knew + it would be so,” he said, kindly; “I told my father you wouldn't. A man + with the blood of the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn't wheel about like + those fellows of yesterday.” So, when Cambaceres came out, which he did + presently, with a more furious air than before, I handed him at once over + to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and an early hour for the + meeting to take place. + </p> + <p> + “Can you make it before eleven, Phil?” said Beauharnais. “The Emperor + reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour, and we might + fight there handy before the review.” + </p> + <p> + “Done!” said I. “I want of all things to see the newly-arrived Saxon + cavalry manoeuvre:” on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as much as to + say, “See sights! Watch cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and take + measure for a coffin, my boy!” walked away, naming our mutual + acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in the business. + </p> + <p> + I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of + Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at Salamanca, + with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top of him. Bugaboo + was too much and too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though a + showy horseman, was a bad rider across country; and I got the horse for a + song. A wickeder and uglier brute never wore pig-skin; and I never put my + leg over such a timber-jumper in my life. I rode the horse down to the + Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres was to + come off, and Lanty held him as I went in, “sure to win,” as they say in + the ring. + </p> + <p> + Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I, who am + a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and that I could + wing him if I had a mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both fired: I + felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up my hand there, found a large + piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at the same moment, and shrieking a + horrible malediction, my adversary reeled and fell. + </p> + <p> + “Mon Dieu, il est mort!” cried Ney. + </p> + <p> + “Pas de tout,” said Beauharnais. “Ecoute; il jure toujours.” + </p> + <p> + And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the ground + cursing most frightfully. We went up to him: he was blind with the loss of + blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He recovered; + but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto in the French army, + afterwards. The surgeon in attendance having taken charge of this + unfortunate warrior, we rode off to the review where Ney and Eugene were + on duty at the head of their respective divisions; and where, by the way, + Cambaceres, as the French say, “se faisait desirer.” + </p> + <p> + It was arranged that Cambaceres' division of six battalions and + nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement, supported by + artillery in the intervals, and converging by different epaulements on the + light infantry, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line. It was by + this famous manoeuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte, at Friedland, and + subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and General Castanos + were defeated with such victorious slaughter: but it is a movement which, + I need not tell every military man, requires the greatest delicacy of + execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army into confusion. + </p> + <p> + “Where is the Duke of Illyria?” Napoleon asked. “At the head of his + division, no doubt,” said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an arch look, + put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall off my horse with + laughter. Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at this moment the troops + getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began, and his Majesty's + attention was taken off from my impudence. + </p> + <p> + Milhaud's Dragoons, their bands playing “Vive Henri Quatre,” their + cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre from the + left flank in the most brilliant order, while the Carbineers of Foy, and + the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet d'Erlon, executed a carambolade + on the right, with the precision which became those veteran troops; but + the Chasseurs of the young guard, marching by twos instead of threes, bore + consequently upon the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and ill-affected + body), and then, falling back in disorder, became entangled with the + artillery and the left centre of the line, and in one instant thirty + thousand men were in inextricable confusion. + </p> + <p> + “Clubbed, by Jabers!” roared out Lanty Clancy. “I wish we could show 'em + the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling.” + </p> + <p> + “Silence, fellow!” I exclaimed. I never saw the face of man express + passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of Napoleon. He tore + off General Milhaud's epaulettes, which he flung into Foy's face. He + glared about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for the Duke + of Illyria. “He is wounded, Sire,” said General Foy, wiping a tear from + his eye, which was blackened by the force of the blow; “he was wounded an + hour since in a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de + Fogarty.” + </p> + <p> + “Wounded! a marshal of France wounded! Where is the Englishman? Bring him + out, and let a file of grenadiers—” + </p> + <p> + “Sire!” interposed Eugene. + </p> + <p> + “Let him be shot!” shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me with + the fury of a fiend. + </p> + <p> + This was too much. “Here goes!” said I, and rode slap at him. + </p> + <p> + There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and I + should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in an + instant. But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had only + wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty + from this discharge. + </p> + <p> + Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor's head, and Bugaboo went at it + like a shot. He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned quite pale as + I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely brushing the + cockade which he wore. + </p> + <p> + “Bravo!” said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap. + </p> + <p> + “Cut him down!” said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic Cuirassier; + and he made a pass at me with his sword. But he little knew an Irishman on + an Irish horse. Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and fetched the monster a slap + with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his saddle,—and + away I went, with an army of a hundred and seventy-three thousand eight + hundred men at my heels. * * * * + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + BARBAZURE. + </h2> + <h3> + BY G. P. R. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC. + </h3> + <p> + I. + </p> + <p> + It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only known + in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of Alsace, that two + cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked eye threading one of the + rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land between the Marne + and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the declining luminary were gilding the + peaks and crags which lined the path, through which the horsemen wound + slowly; and as these eternal battlements with which Nature had hemmed in + the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed with the last tints of the + fading sunlight, the valley below was gray and darkling, and the hard and + devious course was sombre in twilight. A few goats, hardly visible among + the peaks, were cropping the scanty herbage here and there. The pipes of + shepherds, calling in their flocks as they trooped homewards to their + mountain villages, sent up plaintive echoes which moaned through those + rocky and lonely steeps; the stars began to glimmer in the purple heavens + spread serenely overhead and the faint crescent of the moon, which had + peered for some time scarce visible in the azure, gleamed out more + brilliantly at every moment, until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun's + retreat. 'Tis a fair land that of France, a gentle, a green, and a + beautiful; the home of arts and arms, of chivalry and romance, and + (however sadly stained by the excesses of modern times) 'twas the unbought + grace of nations once, and the seat of ancient renown and disciplined + valor. + </p> + <p> + And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and bravery + is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that one over which + our travellers wended, and which stretches between the good towns of + Vendemiaire and Nivose. 'Tis common now to a hundred thousand voyagers: + the English tourist, with his chariot and his Harvey's Sauce, and his + imperials; the bustling commis-voyageur on the roof of the rumbling + diligence; the rapid malle-poste thundering over the chaussee at twelve + miles an hour—pass the ground hourly and daily now: 'twas lonely and + unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century with which our story + commences. + </p> + <p> + Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such their + outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together. The one, seemingly + the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather in his barret-cap, and + managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curveted gayly. A + surcoat of peach-colored samite and a purfled doublet of vair bespoke him + noble, as did his brilliant eye, his exquisitely chiselled nose, and his + curling chestnut ringlets. + </p> + <p> + Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring-violets; + and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek—roses, alas! that bloom and + die with life's spring! Now bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking + off with his riding rod a floweret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot + rode by his darker companion. + </p> + <p> + His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed, that + had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine. Thence through + Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a city and commune, + holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor of Navarre, Poitou, + and St. Germain l'Auxerrois, the warrior and his charger reached the + lonely spot where now we find them. + </p> + <p> + The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the steed + which bore him. Both were caparisoned in the fullest trappings of feudal + war. The arblast, the mangonel, the demiculverin, and the cuissart of the + period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the war-steed; while the + rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and arriere-ban, morion and + tumbrel, battle-axe and rifflard, and the other appurtenances of ancient + chivalry, rode stately on his steel-clad charger, himself a tower of + steel. This mighty horseman was carried by his steed as lightly as the + young springald by his Andalusian hackney. + </p> + <p> + “'Twas well done of thee, Philibert,” said he of the proof-armor, “to ride + forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms.” + </p> + <p> + “Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!” replied + the younger Cavalier. “When I was yet a page, thou wert a belted knight; + and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard grew.” + </p> + <p> + “I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew the spear + from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta,” the individual + addressed as Romane replied. “Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy, (and + marry 'tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a lance with Solyman at Rhodes, + and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre. But enough of this. Tell me + of home—of our native valley—of my hearth, and my lady-mother, + and my good chaplain—tell me of HER, Philibert,” said the knight, + executing a demivolt, in order to hide his emotion. + </p> + <p> + Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the + question. “The castle stands on the rock,” he said, “and the swallows + still build in the battlements. The good chaplain still chants his vespers + at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother still + distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey. The tenants pay + no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely, kinsman mine,” he added with an + arch look. + </p> + <p> + “But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?” Romane continued. “Since Lammas was a + twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are unanswered. The postman + hath traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a billet. How is + Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?” + </p> + <p> + “She is—well,” Philibert replied; “her sister Anne is the fairest of + the twain, though.” + </p> + <p> + “Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. A plague on sister + Anne! Speak of Fatima, Philibert—my blue-eyed Fatima!” + </p> + <p> + “I say she is—well,” answered his comrade gloomily. + </p> + <p> + “Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? Nay, hath she had the + small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak; speak, boy!” cried the knight, + wrought to agony. + </p> + <p> + “Her cheek is as red as her mother's, though the old Countess paints hers + every day. Her foot is as light as a sparrow's, and her voice as sweet as + a minstrel's dulcimer; but give me nathless the Lady Anne,” cried + Philibert; “give me the peerless Lady Anne! As soon as ever I have won + spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and proclaim her the Queen of + Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady Anne!” and so saying—but evidently + wishing to disguise some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could + ill brook to hear—the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward. + </p> + <p> + But swift as was his courser's pace, that of his companion's enormous + charger was swifter. “Boy,” said the elder, “thou hast ill tidings. I know + it by thy glance. Speak: shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a + thousand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in the name of + heaven and good Saint Botibol. Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your + tidings like a man!” + </p> + <p> + “Fatima is well,” answered Philibert once again; “she hath had no measles: + she lives and is still fair.” + </p> + <p> + “Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? Not false? By Saint + Botibol, say not false,” groaned the elder warrior. + </p> + <p> + “A month syne,” Philibert replied, “she married the Baron de Barbazure.” + </p> + <p> + With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the brave + knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and fell from his + charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel. + </p> + <p> + II. + </p> + <p> + Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast and + magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin. The traveller of + the present day, who wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and climbs + the steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely trace, + among the shattered masses of ivy-covered masonry which lie among the + lonely crags, even the skeleton of the proud and majestic palace + stronghold of the Barons of Barbazure. + </p> + <p> + In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately, and + seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal rocks on + which they stood. The three mullets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted + by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known cognizance of the house, blazed + in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, surmounting as many towers. The + long lines of battlemented walls spread down the mountain to the Loire, + and were defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men. Four hundred + knights and six times as many archers fought round the banner of Barbazure + at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour. For his services at Fontenoy + against the English, the heroic Charles Martel appointed the fourteenth + Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom of France; and for wealth, + and for splendor, and for skill and fame in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth + Baron, was in no-wise inferior to his noble ancestors. + </p> + <p> + That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the shore; + that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a neighbor, or drew the + fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy's castle with the wife and + children within;—these were points for which the country knew and + respected the stout Baron. When he returned from victory, he was sure to + endow the Church with a part of his spoil, so that when he went forth to + battle he was always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron + Raoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the + Court, the Church, and his neighbors. + </p> + <p> + But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic grief + which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure. His lovely ladies died one + after the other. No sooner was he married than he was a widower; in the + course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements had befallen the + chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is a parasite, grief is a + republican, and visits the hall of the great and wealthy as it does the + humbler tenements of the poor. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover,” said the Lady of + Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, “and think how the noble + Barbazure loves thee! Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had + eyes for thee and thy cousin only.” + </p> + <p> + “I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!” the admirable + Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. “Not that I care for my Lord of Barbazure's + looks. MY heart, dearest mother, is with him who is far away!” + </p> + <p> + “He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty-three + corantoes, I think, child,” the mother said, eluding her daughter's + remark. + </p> + <p> + “Twenty-five,” said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to the + ground. “Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!” + </p> + <p> + “He had not the court air,” the mother suggested. + </p> + <p> + “I don't wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure's dancing, + mamma,” Fatima replied. “For a short, lusty man, 'tis wondrous how active + he is; and in dignity the King's Grace himself could not surpass him.” + </p> + <p> + “You were the noblest couple in the room, love,” the lady cried. + </p> + <p> + “That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich plumes, + blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink shoon, became the + noble baron wondrous well,” Fatima acknowledged. “It must be confessed + that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of youth. But alas, + madam! The noble baron hath had nine wives already.” + </p> + <p> + “And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth,” the mother + replied. + </p> + <p> + “My cousin give her eyes!” Fatima exclaimed. “It's not much, I'm sure, for + she squints abominably.” And thus the ladies prattled, as they rode home + at night after the great ball at the house of the Baron of Barbazure. + </p> + <p> + The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand the + doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the well-nurtured + English maiden will participate in the divided feelings which rent her + bosom. 'Tis true, that on his departure for the holy wars, Romane and + Fatima were plighted to each other; but the folly of long engagements is + proverbial; and though for many months the faithful and affectionate girl + had looked in vain for news from him, her admirable parents had long + spoken with repugnance of a match which must bring inevitable poverty to + both parties. They had suffered, 'tis true, the engagement to subside, + hostile as they ever were to it; but when on the death of the ninth lady + of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked Fatima at the funeral, and rode + home with her after the ceremony, her prudent parents saw how much wiser, + better, happier for their child it would be to have for life a partner + like the baron, than to wait the doubtful return of the penniless wanderer + to whom she was plighted. + </p> + <p> + Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how true to + duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly angel, a well-bred + woman of genteel family! Instead of indulging in splenetic refusals or + vain regrets for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima at once signified + to her excellent parents her willingness to obey their orders; though she + had sorrows (and she declared them to be tremendous), the admirable being + disguised them so well, that none knew they oppressed her. She said she + would try to forget former ties, and (so strong in her mind was DUTY above + every other feeling!—so strong may it be in every British maiden!) + the lovely girl kept her promise. “My former engagements,” she said, + packing up Romane's letters and presents, (which, as the good knight was + mortal poor, were in sooth of no great price)—“my former engagements + I look upon as childish follies;—my affections are fixed where my + dear parents graft them—on the noble, the princely, the polite + Barbazure. 'Tis true he is not comely in feature, but the chaste and + well-bred female knows how to despise the fleeting charms of form. 'Tis + true he is old; but can woman be better employed than in tending her aged + and sickly companion? That he has been married is likewise certain—but + ah, my mother! who knows not that he must be a good and tender husband, + who, nine times wedded, owns that, he cannot be happy without another + partner?” + </p> + <p> + It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed + obedience to her parents' will, and consented to receive the magnificent + marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant bridegroom. + </p> + <p> + III. + </p> + <p> + The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts to see + her hapless daughter. Ever, when she came, the porters grinned at her + savagely through the grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled gate + of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. “The Lady of + Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and keeps her chamber,” was the + invariable reply of the dogged functionaries to the entreaties of the + agonized mother. And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual calls + at his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced to be + at the postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the crupper + of the lady's palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and in terror. + “I will aim at the rider next time!” howled the ferocious baron, “and not + at the horse!” And those who knew his savage nature and his unrivalled + skill as a bowman, knew that he would neither break his knightly promise + nor miss his aim. + </p> + <p> + Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous + passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were present at + the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure's heart was changed + towards his gentle and virtuous lady. + </p> + <p> + For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted Baron of + Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who entered. His + lance bore everything down before it. The most famous champions of Europe, + assembled at these joustings, had dropped, one by one, before this + tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined to be his, and + he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave, as his lady was the fairest + of the fair. + </p> + <p> + On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the Vosges, and + the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the warrior had obtained + such triumphs;—after having overcome two hundred and thirteen + knights of different nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid + Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted Dugueselin, as the + conqueror sat still erect on his charger, and the multitudes doubted + whether ever another champion could be found to face him, three blasts of + a trumpet were heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing more + clearly, until a knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his visor + down, and riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the + admiration of all present. + </p> + <p> + The heralds asked him his name and quality. + </p> + <p> + “Call me,” said he, in a hollow voice, “the Jilted Knight.” What was it + made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents. + </p> + <p> + The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the companion who + rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de Coquelicot, who was known + and respected universally through the neighborhood, gave a warranty for + the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight—and Raoul de + Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two-hundred-and-fourteenth lance, shook + the huge weapon in the air as though it were a reed, and prepared to + encounter the intruder. + </p> + <p> + According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the spear from + harm, the top of the unknown knight's lance was shielded with a bung, + which the warrior removed; and galloping up to Barbazure's pavilion, over + which his shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with the sharpened + steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assembly at this daring + challenge to a combat a l'outrance. “Hast thou confessed, Sir Knight?” + roared the Barbazure; “take thy ground, and look to thyself; for by heaven + thy last hour is come!” “Poor youth, poor youth!” sighed the spectators; + “he has called down his own fate.” The next minute the signal was given, + and as the simoom across the desert, the cataract down the rock, the shell + from the howitzer, each warrior rushed from his goal. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?” said the Grand Duke, as at the + end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over his + prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at length unhorsed, + and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity on his + conqueror. + </p> + <p> + “Take thy life,” said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight; “thou + hast taken all that was dear to me.” And the sun setting, and no other + warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the + conqueror, and rode up to the duchess's balcony to receive the gold chain + which was the reward of the victor. He raised his visor as the smiling + princess guerdoned him—raised it, and gave ONE sad look towards the + Lady Fatima at her side! + </p> + <p> + “Romane de Clos-Vougeot!” shrieked she, and fainted. The Baron of + Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his wound, and + by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore + revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a queen, + returned to her castle as a prisoner. + </p> + <p> + (As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel, let it + suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which + the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of the baroness, + kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and the general tone of morality, + are all excellently worked out, the Baron de Barbazure resolves upon + putting his wife to death by the hands of the public executioner.) + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on the + platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony of mid-day. + </p> + <p> + The block was laid forth—the hideous minister of vengeance, masked + and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready. The baron + tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the dreadful + swordsman if his hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood. + The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank from him. There + was not one there but loved and pitied the gentle lady. + </p> + <p> + Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. To all her lord's + savage interrogatories, her reply had been, “I am innocent.” To his + threats of death, her answer was, “You are my lord; my life is in your + hands, to take or to give.” How few are the wives, in our day, who show + such angelic meekness! It touched all hearts around her, save that of the + implacable Barbazure! Even the Lady Blanche, (Fatima's cousin), whom he + had promised to marry upon his faithless wife's demise, besought for her + kinswoman's life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her death. + </p> + <p> + “Is there no pity, sir?” asked the chaplain who had attended her. + </p> + <p> + “No pity?” echoed the weeping serving-maid. + </p> + <p> + “Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?” said the gentle lady, and + placed herself at the block. + </p> + <p> + Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven hair. + “Now!” shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his foot—“Now + strike!” + </p> + <p> + The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself to + deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air, with one + irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head of the furious, + the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure! + </p> + <p> + Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the Lady + Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his mask, knelt + gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well-known features of + Romane de Clos-Vougeot. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + LORDS AND LIVERIES. + </h2> + <p> + BY THE AUTHORESS OF “DUKES AND DEJEUNERS,” “HEARTS AND DIAMONDS,” + “MARCHIONESSES AND MILLINERS,” ETC. ETC. + </p> + <p> + I. + </p> + <p> + “CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box + to-night,” said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning over the + velvet-cushioned balconies of the “Coventry Club,” smoking their + full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson's) after the opera. + </p> + <p> + Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips of the + young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire anything except a + coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a supreme de cochon en + torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion, the chef of the + “Traveller's,” only knows how to dress; or the bouquet of a flask of + Medoc, of Carbonell's best quality; or a goutte of Marasquin, from the + cellars of Briggs and Hobson. + </p> + <p> + Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon of + Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like too many of + our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in his twenty-fourth + year. Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent principles (who had + imbued his young mind with that Morality which is so superior to all the + vain pomps of the world!) it had not been always the young earl's lot to + wear the coronet for which he now in sooth cared so little. His father, a + captain of Britain's navy, struck down by the side of the gallant + Collingwood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his sword and spotless + name to his young, lovely, and inconsolable widow, who passed the first + years of her mourning in educating her child in an elegant though small + cottage in one of the romantic marine villages of beautiful Devonshire. + Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the widow's heart as she + pressed him to it! How faithfully did she instil into his young bosom + those principles which had been the pole-star of the existence of his + gallant father! + </p> + <p> + In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found the widow + and her boy. The seventeenth Earl—gallant and ardent, and in the + prime of youth—went forth one day from the Eternal City to a + steeple-chase in the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to his + hotel in the Piazza di Spagna. Death, alas! is no respecter of the + Nobility. That shattered form was all that remained of the fiery, the + haughty, the wild, but the generous Altamont de Pentonville! Such, such is + fate! + </p> + <p> + The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother's solicitude + at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly descended on her boy. + She engaged an excellent clergyman of the Church of England to superintend + his studies; to accompany him on foreign travel when the proper season + arrived; to ward from him those dangers which dissipation always throws in + the way of the noble, the idle, and the wealthy. But the Reverend Cyril + Delaval died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth the young Earl of + Bagnigge was without a guardian. + </p> + <p> + What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty, he was a cynic and an + epicure. He had drained the cup of pleasure till it had palled in his + unnerved hand. He had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps + without reverence. He was unmoved by the sandy solitudes of the Desert as + by the placid depths of Mediterranean's sea of blue. Bitter, bitter tears + did Emily de Pentonville weep, when, on Alured's return from the + Continent, she beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in her + beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy! + </p> + <p> + “Corpo di Bacco,” he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the red + nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore's coachman—who, having + deposited her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the carriage + to the stables, before commencing his evening at the “Fortune of War” + public-house—“what a lovely creature that was! What eyes! what hair! + Who knows her? Do you, mon cher prince?” + </p> + <p> + “E bellissima, certamente,” said the Duca de Montepulciano, and stroked + down his jetty moustache. + </p> + <p> + “Ein gar schones Madchen,” said the Hereditary Grand Duke of + Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one. + </p> + <p> + “Elle n'est pas mal, ma foi!” said the Prince de Borodino, with a scowl on + his darkling brows. “Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont mauvais!” he added as + he too cast away his Cuba. + </p> + <p> + “Try one of my Pickwicks,” said Franklin Fox, with a sneer, offering his + gold etui to the young Frenchman; “they are some of Pontet's best, Prince. + What, do you bear malice? Come, let us be friends,” said the gay and + careless young patrician; but a scowl on the part of the Frenchman was the + only reply. + </p> + <p> + “Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge,” the wag + went on. + </p> + <p> + Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized. The + Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom Protocol of + the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh, Poldoody, and the + rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any one present. + </p> + <p> + “No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don't you see he has gone off in + a fury!” Franklin Fox continued. “He has his reasons, ce cher prince: he + will tell you nothing; but I will. You know that I am au mieux with the + dear old duchess.” + </p> + <p> + “They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke's death,” cried + Poldoody. + </p> + <p> + “I always thought Fwank was the duke's illicit gweatgwandson,” drawled out + De Boots. + </p> + <p> + “I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs from + Paris,” cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are known in every + diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo. + </p> + <p> + “Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!” said Bagnigge. “Tell me about this + girl, Franklin Fox.” + </p> + <p> + “In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring fence + in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa at Richmond, + a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand a year in the + three-per-cents.” + </p> + <p> + “Apres?” said Bagnigge, still yawning. + </p> + <p> + “Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour. They are cousins, her mother was an + Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father, married another + sister. I believe he was footman in the family, before Napoleon princified + him.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, he was second coachman,” Tom Protocol good-naturedly interposed—“a + cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man.” + </p> + <p> + “'Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one's, I mean) when he + found me in the duchess's room this evening, tete-a-tete with the heiress, + who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand.” + </p> + <p> + “It cost me three guineas,” poor Frank said, with a shrug and a sigh, “and + that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she took the flowers;—eh, + Bagnigge?” + </p> + <p> + “And flung them to Alboni,” the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer. And + poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had. + </p> + <p> + The maitre d'hotel here announced that supper was served. It was remarked + that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on Bagnigge that + night. + </p> + <p> + II. + </p> + <p> + The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the court of + the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was such as has seldom + been created by the appearance of any other beauty. The men were raving + with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her beauty, her wit, her + grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy. + </p> + <p> + Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace's + daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the heiress's + regal beauty quite flung her cousins' simple charms into the shade, and + blazed with a splendor which caused all “minor lights” to twinkle faintly. + Before a day the beau-monde, before a week even the vulgarians of the rest + of the town, rang with the fame of her charms; and while the dandies and + the beauties were raving about her, or tearing her to pieces in May Fair, + even Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the “Hoperer” in a green + turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great HAIRESS to her + D. in Bloomsbury Square. + </p> + <p> + Crowds went to Squab and Lynch's, in Long Acre, to examine the carriages + building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so odiously + unostentatious and provokingly simple! Besides the ancestral services of + argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six + plate-chests at Messrs. Childs', Rumble and Briggs prepared a gold + service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket, a service of the Benvenuto + Cellini pattern, which were the admiration of all London. Before a month + it is a fact that the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the blue + stocks, called “Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:” long before + that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline's, or sent couriers to + Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of her dresses; but, as the + Mantuan bard observes, “Non cuivis contigit,”—every foot cannot + accommodate itself to the chaussure of Cinderella. + </p> + <p> + With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these cheers + following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst happy? Ah, no! + It is not under the necklace the most brilliant that Briggs and Rumble can + supply, it is not in Lynch's best cushioned chariot that the heart is most + at ease. “Que je me ruinerai,” says Fronsac in a letter to Bossuet, “si je + savais ou acheter le bonheur!” + </p> + <p> + With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was wretched—wretched, + because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart had nothing to cling + to. Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male person even entered it, + except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing,) and the duchess's family, + her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his friend old Sir John Fogey, and her + cousin, the odious, odious Borodino. + </p> + <p> + The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to him. + Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such an + opportunity to refaire sa fortune. He gave out that he would kill any man + who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his word. + Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen by his hand at Ostend. + The O'Toole, who had met her on the Rhine, had received a ball in his + shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care to resume so dangerous a courtship. + Borodino could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards. He could beat + Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the small-sword: he was the + dragon that watched this pomme d'or, and very few persons were now + inclined to face a champion si redoutable. + </p> + <p> + Over a salmi d'escargot at the “Coventry,” the dandies whom we introduced + in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the heiress; and her + story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who, for a wonder, was + interested in the tale. Borodino's pretensions were discussed, and the way + in which the fair Amethyst was confined. Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave + Square, is—as everybody knows—the next mansion to that + occupied by Amethyst. A communication was made between the two houses. She + never went out except accompanied by the duchess's guard, which it was + impossible to overcome. + </p> + <p> + “Impossible! Nothing's impossible,” said Lord Bagnigge. + </p> + <p> + “I bet you what you like you don't get in,” said the young Marquis of + Martingale. + </p> + <p> + “I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress's house before + the season's over,” Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and the bet was + registered with shouts of applause. + </p> + <p> + But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge, for + the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him; he was + carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a dislocated shoulder; + and the doctor's bulletins pronounced him to be in the most dangerous + state. + </p> + <p> + Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding by the + Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight after the above events, his lordship + was prancing by her Grace's great family coach, and chattering with Lady + Gwinever about the strange wager. + </p> + <p> + “Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?” he asked. Her ladyship said + yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican; and stared when Lord + Martingale announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies, worth + five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now kept at Coutts's. Then he + explained the circumstances of the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament was to + adjourn in ten days; the season would be over! Bagnigge was lying ill chez + lui; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his. And he vowed + he would buy Lord Binnacle's yacht—crew, captain, guns and all. + </p> + <p> + On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore's, Martingale found among + the many billets upon the gold plateau in his antichambre, the following + brief one, which made him start— + </p> + <p> + “DEAR MARTINGALE.—Don't be too sure of Binnacle's yacht. There are + still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie at + Coutts's for some time to come. + </p> + <p> + “Yours, + </p> + <p> + “BAGNIGGE. + </p> + <p> + “P. S.—I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered + up from that confounded fall.” + </p> + <p> + III. + </p> + <p> + The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John, + cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did not take + powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under-butler, who + reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned his name with praise + to the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well-spoken a young man, + that the ladies in the housekeeper's room deigned to notice him more than + once; nor was his popularity diminished on account of a quarrel in which + he engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon chasseur, who was + one day found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited on Amethyst's own maid. + The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames entering the Servants' Hall, + where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in “aggravating” her, Miss Flouncy + screamed: at the next moment the Belgian giant lay sprawling upon the + carpet; and Jeames, standing over him, assumed so terrible a look, that + the chasseur declined any further combat. The victory was made known to + the house-steward himself, who, being a little partial to Miss Flouncy + herself, complimented Jeames on his valor, and poured out a glass of + Madeira in his own room. + </p> + <p> + Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people. He had + lived, he said, in that family two years. “But where there was no ladies,” + he said, “a gentleman's hand was spiled for service;” and Jeames's was a + very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy admired it very much, and of course he + did not defile it by menial service: he had in a young man who called him + sir, and did all the coarse work; and Jeames read the morning paper to the + ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many gentlemen do, but + easily and elegantly, speaking off the longest words without a moment's + difficulty. He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy found, who was + studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de confiance; for + when she said to him, “Polly voo Fransy, Munseer Jeames?” he replied + readily, “We, Mademaselle, j'ay passay boco de tong a Parry. Commong voo + potty voo?” How Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before her, the day + after he had saved Miss Amethyst when the horses had run away with her in + the Park! + </p> + <p> + Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a week in Amethyst's + service, and already the gentle heart of the washing-girl was + irrecoverably gone! Poor Flouncy! Poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee. + </p> + <p> + It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her cousin the + prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into the Park simply with + her companion, who had charge of her little Fido, the dearest little + spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind the carriage with + their long sticks and neat dark liveries; the horses were worth a thousand + guineas each, the coachman a late lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole + ring could not boast a more elegant turn-out. + </p> + <p> + The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine. It may + have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish ambassador which + frightened the prince's grays, or Mrs. Champignon's new yellow liveries, + which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon's preternatural + ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at the time, or the prince's + own want of skill, finally; but certain it is that the horses took fright, + dashed wildly along the mile, scattered equipages, pietons, dandies' cabs, + and snobs' pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming; and the prince, deadly pale, + had lost all presence of mind, as the curricle came rushing by the spot + where Miss Amethyst's carriage stood. + </p> + <p> + “I'm blest,” Frederick exclaimed to his companion, “if it ain't the prince + a-drivin our missis! They'll be in the Serpingtine, or dashed to pieces, + if they don't mind.” And the runaway steeds at this instant came upon them + as a whirlwind. + </p> + <p> + But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter. To jump + from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle, to jump into + it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole, + and to seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino, who + shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet leapt on his toes and into his + seat, was the work of an instant. In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush + of the horses was reduced to a swift but steady gallop; presently into a + canter, then a trot; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling, + but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst's carriage, which came up at a + rapid pace. + </p> + <p> + “Give me the reins, malappris! tu m'ecrases le corps, manant!” yelled the + frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid charioteer. + </p> + <p> + “Tant pis pour toi, nigaud,” was the reply. The lovely Amethyst of course + had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her carriage, and + rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile. + </p> + <p> + The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the latter—a + liveried menial—stoop gracefully forward and kiss Amethyst's hand, + may be imagined rather than described. But Jeames heeded not his curses. + Having placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly resumed his + station behind. Passion or danger seemed to have no impression upon that + pale marble face. + </p> + <p> + Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on coming + to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the Frangipane best + style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses, the + clumsy attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille cisele, + with its scalding contents, over the prince's chin, his Mechlin jabot, and + the grand cordon of the Legion of honor which he wore. + </p> + <p> + “Infame,” howled Borodino, “tu l'as fait expres!” + </p> + <p> + “Oui, je l'ai fait expres,” said the man, with the most perfect Parisian + accent. It was Jeames. + </p> + <p> + Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after the + morning's service, and he was chassed on the spot. He had been but a week + in the house. + </p> + <p> + The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may possibly + elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:— + </p> + <p> + “Singular Wager.—One night, at the end of last season, the young and + eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand pounds + with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of M-rt-ng-le, that + he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely young + heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B-lgr-ve Squ-re. The bet + having been made, the earl pretended an illness, and having taken lessons + from one of his lordship's own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose name he + also borrowed) in 'the MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,' actually succeeded in + making an entry into Miss P-ml-co's mansion, where he stopped one week + exactly; having time to win his bet, and to save the life of the lady, + whom we hear he is about to lead to the altar. He disarmed the Prince of + Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands—and, it is said, appeared + at the C—— club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a cloak, and + displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager.” + </p> + <p> + Such, indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple have not more than + nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully, and manage to do + good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law and her + little grandchildren, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un homme + range. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CRINOLINE. + </h2> + <h3> + BY JE-MES PL-SH, ESQ. + </h3> + <p> + I. + </p> + <p> + I'm not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the + igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd paytrons of + letarature and true connyshures of merrit—the great Brittish public—But + I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of rewmantic love, absobbing + pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is, in the main fax, TREW. The + suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the rain of our presnt Gratious Madjisty + and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince Halbert. + </p> + <p> + Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18— (mor I dar not rewheel) + there arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and Dover + Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate + Munseer Jools De Chacabac. + </p> + <p> + Having read through “The Vicker of Wackfield” in the same oridganal + English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and halways + been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for his aytred and + orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by the + prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris, the very man + to come to this country, igsamin its manners and customs, cast an i upon + the politticle and finalshle stat of the Hempire, and igspose the + mackynations of the infyamous Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir Pill—both + enemies of France; as is every other Britten of that great, gloarus, + libberal, and peasable country. In one word, Jools de Chacabac was a + penny-a-liner. + </p> + <p> + “I will go see with my own I's,” he said, “that infimus hiland of which + the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and treason. I + will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the Chynese, + the villians who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany, the artful + dodges who wish to smother Europe with their cotton, and can't sleep or + rest heasy for henvy and hatred of the great inwinsable French nation. I + will igsammin, face to face, these hotty insularies; I will pennytrate + into the secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard Palmerston in + his denn.” When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having been + tremenguously sick in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, “Enfin je te tiens, + Ile maudite! je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre! Je te foule a + mes pieds an nom du monde outrage,” and so proseaded to inwade the + metropulus. + </p> + <p> + As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the best of + infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went and lodgd in + Lester Square—Lester Squarr, as he calls it—which, as he was + infommed in the printed suckular presented to him by a very greasy but + polite comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the town, + contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple theayters, the parx, St. + Jams Pallice, and the Corts of Lor. “I can surwhey them all at one cut of + the eye,” Jools thought; “the Sovring, the infamus Ministers plotting the + destruction of my immortial country; the business and pleasure of these + pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and see all.” So he took + a three-pair back in a French hotel, the “Hotel de l'Ail,” kep by Monsieur + Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr, London. + </p> + <p> + In this otell there's a billiard-room on the first floor, and a + tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o'clock; and the landlord, who + kem into Jools's room smoaking a segar, told the young gent that the house + was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who reglar took their + dinners there. “They can't ebide their own quiseen,” he said. “You'll see + what a dinner we'll serve you to-day.” Jools wrote off to his paper— + </p> + <p> + “The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like all + the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the indulgence of + their luxuries. The nobles of England, quitting their homes, their wives, + miladies and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally at the + tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel and Palmerston. I + fremis to think that I may meet them at the board to-day.” + </p> + <p> + Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn't dine at the “Hotel de l'Ail” on + that evening. “It's quite igstronnary they don't come,” said Munseer de + l'Ail. + </p> + <p> + “Peraps they're ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de cock,” + Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was very likely. + </p> + <p> + Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of every + nation under the sun. Most of the noblemen were great hamatures of hale + and porter. The tablecloth was marked over with brown suckles, made by the + pewter-pots on that and the previous days. + </p> + <p> + “It is the usage here,” wrote Jools to his newspaper, “among the Anglais + of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and porter during + their meals. These stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors are + served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafanaf (so a certain + sort of beer is called) was placed by the side of most of the convives. I + was disappointed of seeing Sir Peel: he was engaged to a combat of cocks + which occurs at Windsor.” + </p> + <p> + Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when the + gentlemen said “Garsong de l'afanaf,” but Jool was very much pleased to + meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their opinion about the + reel state of thinx. Was it likely that the bishops were to be turned out + of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true that Lor Palmerston had boxed + with Lor Broghamm in the House of Lords, until they were sepparayted by + the Lor Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn't he Premier Minister? and + wasn't the Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker? He got answers to these + questions from the various gents round about during the dinner—which, + he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only dirtier. And he + wrote off all the infamation he got to his newspaper. + </p> + <p> + “The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre. His Grace has his + dwelling in the City. The Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker, as + some people stated. Quakers may not marry, nor sit in the Chamber of + Peers. The minor bishops have seats in the House of Commons, where they + are attacked by the bitter pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is in + the house; he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who conferred + upon him the seat,” &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two Poles, a + Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen. This being done amidst more hafanaf, + without which nothink is done in England, and as there was no French play + that night, he & the two French gents walked round and round Lester + Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of other French gents who were smoaking + 2. And they talked about the granjer of France and the perfidgusness of + England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Madame Wharton as + Haryadney till bedtime. But befor he slep, he finished his letter you may + be sure, and called it his “Fust Imprestiuns of Anglyterre.” + </p> + <p> + “Mind and wake me early,” he said to Boots, the ony Brittish subject in + the “Hotel de l'Ail,” and who therefore didn't understand him. “I wish to + be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE MEN SELL THEIR WIVES.” And the + young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a one he'd buy. + </p> + <p> + This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about Hengland + and the Henglish—walking round and round Lester Squarr all day, and + every day with the same company, occasionally dewussified by an Oprer + Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quadrant + admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools was not over well + funnisht with pocket-money, and so his pleasure was of the gratis sort + cheafly. + </p> + <p> + Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the aristoxy + under the Quadrant—they were struck all of a heap by seeing—But, + stop! who WAS Jools's friend? Here you have pictures of both—but the + Istory of Jools's friend must be kep for another innings. + </p> + <p> + II. + </p> + <p> + Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools de + Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London—not fur, I say, from + Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping's Buildings, leading + to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin's Lane. You know Pipping's + Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where Jools has + often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver a-cuttin the varous + jints), and by the little fishmungur's, where you remark the mouldy + lobsters, the fly-blown picklesammon, the playbills, and the gingybear + bottles in the window—above all, by the “Constantinople” Divan, kep + by the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of “a prime sigaw and + an exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d.” + </p> + <p> + The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of Lester + Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping's Buildings without + seeing a haf a duzen of 'em on the threshole of the extablishment, giving + the street an oppertunity of testing the odar of the Misses Mordeky's + prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable inside, settn on the + counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav'rit whead, the rich and + spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly, or the flagrant and arheumatic Qby. + </p> + <p> + “These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of the + young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young Pier, after an arjus day at + the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the + national beveridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the day, + or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor.” + </p> + <p> + So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam; and of + this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of this + “Constantinople” Divan, he became almost as reglar a frequenter as the + plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue + coffee-cups in the winder. + </p> + <p> + I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the Diwann, + listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland, and boastin of + their own immortial country. How they did go on about Wellintun, and what + an arty contamp they ad for him!—how they used to prove that France + was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample and hadmiration of the whole + world! And though I scarcely take a French paper now-a-days (I lived in + early days as groom in a French famly three years, and therefore knows the + languidg), though, I say, you can't take up Jools's paper, the Orriflam, + without readin that a minister has committed bribery and perjury, or that + a littery man has committed perjury and murder, or that a Duke has stabbed + his wife in fifty places, or some story equally horrible; yet for all that + it's admiral to see how the French gents will swagger—how they will + be the scenters of civilization—how they will be the Igsamples of + Europ, and nothink shall prevent 'em—knowing they will have it, I + say I listen, smokin my pip in silence. But to our tail. + </p> + <p> + Reglar every evening there came to the “Constantanople” a young gent + etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the cleanlyness of + his appearants and linning (which was generally a pink or blew shurt, with + a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a contrast to the dinjy and + whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young mann had none + beyond a little yallow tought to his chin, which you woodn notas, only he + was always pulling at it. His statue was diminnative, but his coschume + supubb, for he had the tippiest Jane boots, the ivoryheadest canes, the + most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most Scotch-plaidest trowseys, + of any customer of that establishment. He was univusaly called Milord. + </p> + <p> + “Que est ce jeune seigneur? Who is this young hurl who comes knightly to + the 'Constantanople,' who is so proddigl of his gold (for indeed the young + gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to the company), and who drinks + so much gin?” asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the “Hotel de + l'Ail.” + </p> + <p> + “His name is Lord Yardham,” answered that friend. “He never comes here but + at night—and why?” + </p> + <p> + “Y?” igsclaimed Jools, istonisht. + </p> + <p> + “Why? because he is engaygd all day—and do you know where he is + engaygd all day?” + </p> + <p> + “Where?” asked Jools. + </p> + <p> + “At the Foring Office—NOW do you begin to understand?”—Jools + trembled. + </p> + <p> + He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.—“Who IS the head of + that offis?—Palmerston.” + </p> + <p> + “The nephew of Palmerston!” said Jools, almost in a fit. + </p> + <p> + “Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French,” the other went on. “He + pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo. Shallow humbug!—I + have marked him during our conversations.—When we have spoken of the + glory of France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and his + perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have discussed before him, the + Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and Raggybritchovich has shown us the + next Circassian Campaign, or Sapousne has laid hare the plan of the + Calabrian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this stranger—this + Lor Yardham. He smokes, 'tis to conceal his countenance; he drinks gin, + 'tis to hide his face in the goblet. And be sure, he carries every word of + our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his uncle.” + </p> + <p> + “I will beard him in his den,” thought Jools. “I will meet him + corps-a-corps—the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his nephew, + and I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier.” + </p> + <p> + When Lor Yardham came to the “Constantanople” that night, Jools i'd him + savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the same. It wasn't + much for either to do—neyther being more than 4 foot ten hi—Jools + was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was as brayv as a + lion. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, l'Angleterre, l'Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche,” said Jools, + crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham. + </p> + <p> + “Wee,” said Lord Yardham; “wee.” + </p> + <p> + “Delenda est Carthago!” howled out Jools. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wee,” said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas of + ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, “A voternsanty, Munseer:” + and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools. + </p> + <p> + A light broak on Jools's mind as he igsepted the refreshmint. “Sapoase,” + he said, “instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the infamous Palmerston, + I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump him—suppose I unveil + his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may hear the name of + Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honor may glitter on my bosom.” + </p> + <p> + So axepting Lord Yardham's cortasy, he returned it by ordering another + glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on the counter, + where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night. To everything he + said, the Earl of Yardham answered, “Wee, wee;” except at the end of the + evening, when he squeeged his & and said, “Bong swore.” + </p> + <p> + “There's nothing like goin amongst 'em to equire the reel pronounciation,” + his lordship said, as he let himself into his lodgings with his latch-key. + “That was a very eloquent young gent at the 'Constantinople,' and I'll + patronize him.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!” Jools remarked to himself as he went to + bed in his “Hotel de l'Ail.” And they met the next night, and from that + heavning the young men were continyually together. + </p> + <p> + Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking, and + Lord Yardham saying, “Wee, wee,” they were struck all of a heap by seeing— + </p> + <p> + But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the nex + number. + </p> + <p> + III. THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO. + </p> + <p> + The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum of + Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind would say) + never chaumed his i's within a site more lovely, or vu'd a pallis more + magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew + Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes the selvery Garonne + wines, like—like a benevvolent sarpent. In its plasid busum antient + cassles, picturask willidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple + hills, crownd with inteak ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle + greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from + which the appy and peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden waving + cornfealds, and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are graysinn; + while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the leisure + mominx on his loot—these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the rurial + felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de Viddlers were + bawn. + </p> + <p> + Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor and of + the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and + Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chamberleng of the + Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c. &c. &c.—is + the twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the Tittle; is disended + lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as antient a paddygree as any + which the Ollywell Street frends of the Member of Buckinumsheer can + supply. + </p> + <p> + His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon, + quitted this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her lord with + the two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in whomb, after the + loss of that angle his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on + huth. In all his emusemints they ecumpanied him; their edjacation was his + sole bisniss; he atcheaved it with the assistnce of the ugliest and most + lernid masters, and the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which money + could procure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these Budds, + which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming flagrance + round his pirentle Busm! + </p> + <p> + The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and his + lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their naybrood but was edawned by + their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern't rendered appy. It + was a pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk were wertuous + & tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled drab shoes, and beautiful + snowy air. All the old women had peaked ats, and crooked cains, and chince + gowns tucked into the pockits of their quiltid petticoats; they sat in + pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the lads and lassis of the + villidges danst under the hellums. O, tis a noble sight to whitniss that + of an appy pheasantry! Not one of those rustic wassals of the Ouse of + Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his shirt-sheaves tied up with pink + ribbing as he led to the macy dance some appy country gal, with a black + velvit boddice and a redd or yaller petticoat, a hormylu cross on her + neck, and a silver harrow in her air! + </p> + <p> + When the Marcus & ther young ladies came to the villidge it would have + done the i's of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved 'em! The + little children scattered calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired + old men with red faces and rinkles took off their brown paper ats to slewt + the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a woodn bank painted to look + like a bower of roses, and when they were sett down danst ballys before + them. O 'twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint with + fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses with + their ploomes, and trains, and little coronicks! + </p> + <p> + They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls, and had + no end of pallises, willers, and town and country resadences; but their + fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of the Island of Fogo. + </p> + <p> + Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt dixcribe + the gawjusness of their aboad. They add twenty-four footmen in livery, + besides a boy in codroys for the knives & shoes. They had nine meels + aday—Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young + ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry-cobblers, + lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to ring the bell and call + for what they chose. They had two new dresses every day—one to ride + out in the open carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of the + Castle of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night like + Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there ready to dance with them, + and festif suppers concludid the jawyus night. + </p> + <p> + Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon this + happy fammaly. Etached to his Princes and abommanating the ojus Lewyphlip, + the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the helder branch of the + Borebones—and what was the consquince?—One night a fleat + presented itself round the Castle of the Island of Fogo—and + skewering only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus and the two young + ladies in disgyise, fled from that island of bliss. And whither fled they?—To + England!—England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world, + where the pore slave never setts his foot but he is free! + </p> + <p> + Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by the + Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their page from + Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps for the + umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his equaintnce, Munseer + Jools, had remarked and admired. + </p> + <p> + But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble Marcus?—That + is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE STARS AND STRIPES. + </h2> + <h3> + THE AUTHOR OR “THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS,” “PILOT,” ETC + </h3> + <p> + I. + </p> + <p> + The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the fairest, + not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal arm; while the + children of France were indulging in their infantile hilarity in the + alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which Niblo's garden + has been copied in our own Empire city of New York), and playing at + leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of Provence; gaudy courtiers, + emlazoned with orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous + talk in the ears of high-bred beauty. + </p> + <p> + “Marie, my beloved,” said the ruler of France, taking out his watch, “'tis + time that the Minister of America should be here.” + </p> + <p> + “Your Majesty should know the time,” replied Marie Antoinette, archly, and + in an Austrian accent; “is not my Royal Louis the first watchmaker in his + empire?” + </p> + <p> + The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with courtly + grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment. “My Lord + Bishop of Autun,” said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand Perigord, who followed + the royal pair, in his quality of arch-chamberlain of the empire, “I pray + you look through the gardens, and tell his Excellency Doctor Franklin that + the King waits.” The Bishop ran off, with more than youthful agility, to + seek the United States' Minister. “These Republicans,” he added, + confidentially, and with something of a supercilious look, “are but rude + courtiers, methinks.” + </p> + <p> + “Nay,” interposed the lovely Antoinette, “rude courtiers, Sire, they may + be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished gentlemen. I have seen + no grandee of Versailles that has the noble bearing of this American envoy + and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World, with all the + simple elegance of the New. Though they have perfect dignity of manner, + they have an engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled by the best + of the proud English nobles with whom they wage war. I am told they speak + their very language with a grace which the haughty Islanders who oppress + them never attained. They are independent, yet never insolent; elegant, + yet always respectful; and brave, but not in the least boastful.” + </p> + <p> + “What! savages and all, Marie?” exclaimed Louis, laughing, and chucking + the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin. “But here comes Doctor + Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him.” In fact, as the monarch + spoke, the Minister of the United States made his appearance, followed by + a gigantic warrior in the garb of his native woods. + </p> + <p> + Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even then in + dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in valor, in honesty, + in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor nodded to the Queen of France, + but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and did not cease + whittling the cane he carried in his hand. + </p> + <p> + “I was waiting for you, sir,” the King said, peevishly, in spite of the + alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm. + </p> + <p> + “The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of your + Majesty's wishes,” replied Dr. Franklin. “When I was a poor printer's boy + and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben Franklin; but + all other things must yield to the service of the United States of North + America. I have done. What would you, Sire?” and the intrepid republican + eyed the monarch with a serene and easy dignity, which made the descendant + of St. Louis feel ill at ease. + </p> + <p> + “I wished to—to say farewell to Tatua before his departure,” said + Louis XVI., looking rather awkward. “Approach, Tatua.” And the gigantic + Indian strode up, and stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the + French nation: again the feeble monarch quailed before the terrible + simplicity of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval forests. + </p> + <p> + The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his + war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock's feather, which had been + given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe. His + nose, from which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe took its + designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of green and orange was + drawn round each eye, while serpentine stripes of black, white, and + vermilion alternately were smeared on his forehead, and descended over his + cheek-bones to his chin. His manly chest was similarly tattooed and + painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung innumerable bracelets and + necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only from each skull) from the + jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible tomahawk at his girdle. His + moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped on his arm and fell in + picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with tufts of hair—the + black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet of beauty, the red lock + from the forehead of the Scottish or the Northern soldier, the snowy tress + of extreme old age, the flaxen down of infancy—all were there, + dreadful reminiscences of the chief's triumphs in war. The warrior leaned + on his enormous rifle, and faced the King. + </p> + <p> + “And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in '57?” said Louis, + eying the warrior and his weapon. “'Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I + could mend it,” he added mentally. + </p> + <p> + “The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth,” Tatua said. “Tatua was + a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm.” + </p> + <p> + “And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!” said the King. + </p> + <p> + “The English are braves, though their faces are white,” replied the + Indian. “Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other wolves + caused the foxes to go to earth.” A smile played round Dr. Franklin's + lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever. + </p> + <p> + “I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere than at + Quebec,” the King said, appealing to the American Envoy: “at Bunker's + Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave + Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but that the + war will finish quickly—yes, yes, it will finish quickly. They will + teach you discipline, and the way to conquer.” + </p> + <p> + “King Louis of France,” said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over his + head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, “we have learned that from the + British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I'd have your Majesty + to know that in the art of whipping the world we have no need of any + French lessons. If your reglars jine General Washington, 'tis to larn from + HIM how Britishers are licked; for I'm blest if YU know the way yet.” + </p> + <p> + Tatua said, “Ugh,” and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine, which + made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely Antoinette flashed + fire, but it played round the head of the dauntless American Envoy + harmless as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away. + </p> + <p> + The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order of the + Bath. “Your Excellency wears no honor,” the monarch said; “but Tatua, who + is not a subject, only an ally, of the United States, may. Noble Tatua, I + appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the Bath. Wear this + cross upon your breast in memory of Louis of France;” and the King held + out the decoration to the Chief. + </p> + <p> + Up to that moment the Chief's countenance had been impassible. No look + either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim and + war-painted visage. But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua's face assumed a glance + of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble. + </p> + <p> + “I will give it to one of my squaws,” he said. “The papooses in my lodge + will play with it. Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink fire-water;” + and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony + upon the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of the walks of + the garden. Franklin found him when his own interview with the French + Chief Magistrate was over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief + was, by the crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his quiet + way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade. + </p> + <p> + Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the “Repudiator,” was + sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian might be seen + standing on the binnacle in conversation with Commodore Bowie, the + commander of the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings. + </p> + <p> + II. + </p> + <p> + Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went to the + Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French pale-faces. + Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety and the crowd of + cities; the stout mariner's home was in the puttock-shrouds of the old + “Repudiator.” The stern and simple trapper loved the sound of the waters + better than the jargon of the French of the old country. “I can follow the + talk of a Pawnee,” he said, “or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids me to + speak, by a Sioux's council-fire and I can patter Canadian French with the + hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or Thichimuchimachy; but from + the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour on her head, and war-paint + on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty Pumpo.” + </p> + <p> + “Amen and amen!” said Tom Coxswain. “There was a woman in our aft-scuppers + when I went a-whalin in the little 'Grampus'—and Lord love you, + Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as ever dowsed a + tarpauling—there was a woman on board the 'Grampus,' who before we'd + struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, set the whole crew in a + mutiny. I mind me of her now, Natty,—her eye was sich a piercer that + you could see to steer by it in a Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out + like the 'Grampus's' jibboom, and her woice, Lord love you, her woice + sings in my ears even now:—it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the + Mate, who was hanged in Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in + Baffin's Bay;—it set me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into + each other's old timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that + ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years' pay as I'd stowed away for + the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only bad luck to + me, she went and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and I've hated + women and tailors ever since!” As he spoke, the hardy tar dashed a drop of + brine from his tawny cheek, and once more betook himself to splice the + taffrail. + </p> + <p> + Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle. The + gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon the + enemy's seaboard. The coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have + still many a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British + fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terrible “Repudiator.” + She was the first of the mighty American war-ships that have taught the + domineering Briton to respect the valor of the Republic. + </p> + <p> + The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the sterner tone + of the historian, when describing deeds connected with his country's + triumphs. It is well known that during the two months in which she lay off + Havre, the “Repudiator” had brought more prizes into that port than had + ever before been seen in the astonished French waters. Her actions with + the “Dettingen” and the “Elector” frigates form part of our country's + history; their defence—it may be said without prejudice to national + vanity—was worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had to + encounter; and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which + presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of the + combat might have been in favor of the British vessels. It was not until + the “Elector” blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a lucky shot which + fell into her caboose, and communicated with the powder-magazine, that + Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on board the “Dettingen,” which + he carried sword in hand. Even when the American boarders had made their + lodgment on the “Dettingen's” binnacle, it is possible that the battle + would still have gone against us. The British were still seven to one; + their carronades, loaded with marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which + we had possession, and decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from + the shrouds of the “Repudiator” shot Captain Mumford under the star of the + Guelphic Order which he wore, and the Americans, with a shout, rushed up + the companion to the quarter-deck, upon the astonished foe. Pike and + cutlass did the rest of the bloody work. Rumford, the gigantic + first-lieutenant of the “Dettingen,” was cut down by Commodore Bowie's own + sword, as they engaged hand to hand; and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down + the British flag, after having slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be + to the souls of the brave! The combat was honorable alike to the victor + and the vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior + depreciated a gallant foe. The bitterness of defeat was enough to the + haughty islanders who had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining + the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel must have been the + pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes rise over the old flag of + the Union, and the “Dettingen” fall down the river in tow of the + Republican frigate. + </p> + <p> + Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring perhaps + ever imagined by seaman. It is this which has been so wrongly described by + European annalists, and of which the British until now have maintained the + most jealous secrecy. + </p> + <p> + Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended. Our intelligence in that town and + arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of the troops, the + forts, and the ships there; and it was determined to strike a blow which + should shake the British power in its centre. + </p> + <p> + That a frigate of the size of the “Repudiator” should enter the harbor + unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the notions of even + American temerity. But upon the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the + “Repudiator” sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover of + which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle of Wight. + To surprise the Martello Tower and take the feeble garrison thereunder, + was the work of Tom Coxswain and a few of his blue-jackets. The surprised + garrison laid down their arms before him. + </p> + <p> + It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by Lieutenant + Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and in another hour + were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenges of + the “Thetis” and the “Amphion” frigates, and the “Polyanthus” brig. + </p> + <p> + There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board the + Flag-ship lying in the harbor. A banquet had been given in honor of the + birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of the Guelphs—the + reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All on + board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The Flag-ship was + plunged in a deathlike and drunken sleep. The very officer of the watch + was intoxicated: he could not see the “Repudiator's” boats as they shot + swiftly through the waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as + they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship. + </p> + <p> + At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the “Royal George”—the + Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet. The hatches were down. The + ship was in possession of the “Repudiator's” crew. They were busy in her + rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of the harbor. The well-known + heave of the men at the windlass woke up Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We + know, or rather do not know, the result; for who can tell by whom the + lower-deck ports of the brave ship were opened, and how the haughty + prisoners below sunk the ship and its conquerors rather than yield her as + a prize to the Republic! + </p> + <p> + Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. His tale was told to + his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its publication; and + it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it to me, his grandson, on + his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. + </h2> + <p> + IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST BROWN TO THE EMINENT NOVELIST + SNOOKS. + </p> + <p> + “CAFE DES AVEUGLES. + </p> + <p> + “MY DEAR SNOOKS,—I am on the look-out here for materials for + original comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in + the course of my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which I + think will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable novel, + 'The Mysteries of May Fair,' to an end—(by the way, the scene, in + the 200th number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit + Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)—and, + of course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and we + may expect that your pen shall not be idle. + </p> + <p> + “The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the + French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and, indeed, I + found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French + literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the invention. + He and an advertisement agent fell out about a question of money, the + affair was brought before the courts, and the little plot so got wind. But + there is no reason why you should not take the plot and act on it + yourself. You are a known man; the public relishes your works; anything + bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses; and though + Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay you handsomely, I make no doubt + you would like to be rewarded at a still higher figure. + </p> + <p> + “Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days is good + for nothing. This one writes with a socialist purpose; that with a + conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most delicate + skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a + Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with Low Church remedies + to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down unsuspiciously, as + children do calomel in jelly. Fiction advocates all sorts of truth and + causes—doesn't the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in + everything? M. Gonzales's plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear + Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement novel. Look over The Times or + the 'Directory,' walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day—see + what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication with their + proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your studs, and the tip on your + chin, I don't know any greater swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into the shops, + I say, ask for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying, 'I am the + great Snooks; I am the author of the “Mysteries of May Fair;” my weekly + sale is 281,000; I am about to produce a new work called “The Palaces of + Pimlico, or the Curse of the Court,” describing and lashing fearlessly the + vices of the aristocracy; this book will have a sale of at least 530,000; + it will be on every table—in the boudoir of the pampered duke, as in + the chamber of the honest artisan. The myriads of foreigners who are + coming to London, and are anxious to know about our national manners, will + purchase my book, and carry it to their distant homes. So, Mr. Taylor, or + Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how much will you stand if I recommend + you in my forthcoming novel?' You may make a noble income in this way, + Snooks. + </p> + <p> + “For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what more + delightful, than the description of upholstery? As thus:— + </p> + <p> + “'Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous ottomans, + the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes, when Lord + Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of Tomkins's elastic + Axminster carpets. “Good heavens, my lord!” she said—and the lovely + creature fainted. The Earl rushed to the mantel-piece, where he saw a + flacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and,' &c. + </p> + <p> + “Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as + easily, as thus:— + </p> + <p> + “'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately at his + wife, 'but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble wants? The + rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or Gobiggin's, but we can get our + rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's for 20L.' And putting on her + bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her husband, the stoker's pretty + bride tripped gayly to the well-known mart, where Timmonson, within his + usual affability, was ready to receive them. + </p> + <p> + “Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. 'Where did + you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or what you please?' + said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The voluptuous + Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So-and-So's.' The answer is obvious. + You may furnish your cellar or your larder in this way. Begad, Snooks! I + lick my lips at the very idea. + </p> + <p> + “Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a + word for them! Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington with an + assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple but + aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the secret. Parvy Newcome + really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent and crooked, + Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don't you see what a stroke of + business you might do in this way. + </p> + <p> + “The shoemaker.—Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the + ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by Chevillett + of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and + </p> + <p> + “The hairdresser.—'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said + the Earl. 'I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has not a + single gray hair.' Wiggins laughed. 'My good Lord Baldock,' said the old + wag, 'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of Ducroissant's shop, and under + his valet's arm—ho! ho! ho!'—and the two bon-vivans chuckled + as the Count passed by, talking with, &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + “The gunmaker.—'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed + before his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one of + Clicker's manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the maker and + the weapon. “One, two, THREE,” cried O'Tool, and the two pistols went off + at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Lifeguardsman,' &c.—A + sentence of this nature from your pen, my dear Snooks, would, I should + think, bring a case of pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your + lodgings; and, though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you might + sell them, you know, and we could make merry with the proceeds. + </p> + <p> + “If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear + Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember your + friend.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., + </h2> + <h3> + WITH HIS LETTERS. + </h3> + <p> + A LUCKY SPECULATOR. + </p> + <p> + “Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower circles in + the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which has befallen + James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family in Berkeley + Square. + </p> + <p> + “One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a banker in + the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said he had saved a + little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to invest his savings + to advantage. + </p> + <p> + “His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, the + well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, Diddler, and + Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of his savings, + wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty guineas—the + main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings, and perfumery—Mr. + Plush could have managed to lay by anything. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN + RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand pounds. He + had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from a + fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley + Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having instructed + the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to apply at the + area-bell. + </p> + <p> + “Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P. by the + hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the breakfast + which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently invited him to her + grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss Emily Flimsy, + her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid the lucky gentleman + MARKED ATTENTION. + </p> + <p> + “We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de la + Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which he has + started bears the ancient coat of his race. + </p> + <p> + “He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of thirty-three + railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the next general + election on decidedly conservative principles, which have always been the + politics of his family. + </p> + <p> + “Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy had + remarked his high demeanor. Well, 'None but the brave,' say we, 'deserve + the fair.'”—Morning Paper. + </p> + <p> + This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been put + into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, they are + written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire borrowed the sum on + which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with sympathy at her + tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such artless language? + </p> + <p> + If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor callous; + if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr. Plush will do her + justice. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers + were first published. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE. + + “A HELIGY. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate, + Come all ye ladies maids so fair— Vile I a story + vill relate + Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square. + A tighter lad, it is confest, + Neer valked with powder in his air, + Or vore a nosegay in his breast, + Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square. + + “O Evns! it vas the best of sights, + Behind his Master's coach and pair, + To see our Jeames in red plush tights, + A driving hoff from Buckley Square. + He vel became his hagwilletts, + He cocked his at with SUCH a hair; + His calves and viskers VAS such pets, + That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square. + + “He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell, + And o! I vithered vith despair, + Missis VOULD ring the parler bell, + And call up Jeames in Buckley Square. + Both beer and sperrits he abhord, + (Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,) + You would have thought he vas a lord + Down in our All in Buckley Square. + + “Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann, + Ven I've an under'd pound to spare, + To take a public is my plan, + And leave this hojous Buckley Square.' + O how my gentle heart did bound, + To think that I his name should bear. + 'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound; + And gev them him in Buckley Square. + + “Our master vas a City gent, + His name's in railroads everywhere, + And lord, vot lots of letters vent + Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square: + My Jeames it was the letters took, + And read them all, (I think it's fair,) + And took a leaf from Master's book, + As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square. + + Encouraged with my twenty pound, + Of which poor I was unavare, + He wrote the Companies all round, + And signed hisself from Buckley Square. + And how John Porter used to grin, + As day by day, share after share, + Came railvay letters pouring in, + 'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.' + + “Our servants' All was in a rage— + Scrip, stock, + curves, gradients, bull and bear, + Vith butler, coachman, groom and page, + Vas all the talk in Buckley Square. + But O! imagine vot I felt + Last Vensday veek as ever were; + I gits a letter, which I spelt + 'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.' + + “He sent me back my money true— + He sent me back my lock of air, + And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew + To Mary Hann and Buckley Square. + Think not to marry, foolish Hann, + With people who your betters are; + James Plush is now a gentleman, + And you—a cook in Buckley Square. + + “'I've thirty thousand guineas won, + In six short months, by genus rare; + You little thought what Jeames was on, + Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square. + I've thirty thousand guineas net, + Powder and plush I scorn to vear; + And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget + For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'” + </pre> + <hr /> + <p> + The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a flood + of tears. + </p> + <p> + A LETTER FROM “JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.” + </p> + <p> + “ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845. + </p> + <p> + “SIR,—Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to + state that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was your + abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the delligit + feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have NO IDEER of being + made the subject of newspaper criticism. + </p> + <p> + “I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my name in + your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the HINMOST PASHSN + OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the public + emusemint. + </p> + <p> + “What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies of my + engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their rupsher? + Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN A DOGGRIL BALLIT + impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY time at least, Mary Hann + could only sign her + mark (has I've hoften witnist it for her when she + paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and + making POATRY, she was as HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself. + </p> + <p> + “With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a footman + in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my affections to + Mary Hann—a feller not five foot six, and with no more calves to his + legs than a donkey—who was always a-ritin (having been a doctor's + boy) and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well recklex) at + the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but of me. He has + signed Miss H's name to his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself hopen + to a haction for libel for insutting them in your paper. + </p> + <p> + “It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I borrowed + 20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. Can hall people say + as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed? No. And I not only paid it + back, but giv her the andsomest pres'nts: WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE + ALLUDED TO, but for this attack. Fust, a silver thimble (which I found in + Missus's work-box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems; third, I halways + brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she was + remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice, (and halways a srimp or + a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT ATTENTIONS, which I sapose + count for NOTHINK. + </p> + <p> + “Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable. I was + gone into a new spear of life—mingling with my native aristoxy. I + breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his a hilliterit + cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank + genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i's upon a low-born + gal, I needn say it's only a tempory distraction, pore passy le tong. So + much for HER claims upon me. Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR'S BOY he's + unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman. + </p> + <p> + “That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow much + has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and what was his + cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated Jewdicious, and ham + what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, and praps you haven't)—So + may you be: if you choose to go in & win. + </p> + <p> + “I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a hundred + instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of hosses I bought + (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in hany curracle,) I + crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my transackshns in that + railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my Dublin and Galway. He + came down with me the other day, and I've jest sold him at 1/4 discount. + </p> + <p> + “At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my stables, + one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a confidenshle + servant, a vally de shamber—He curls my air; inspex my accounts, and + hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my TRENT VALLY, for + it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which injuiced me to + ingage him. + </p> + <p> + “Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge—I have two + handsom suvvices for dinner—the goold plate for Sundays, and the + silver for common use. When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to my man, + 'we will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else + the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' I bought them after realizing on + the abuf lines, and if people suppose that the companys made me a presnt + of the plate, how can I help it? + </p> + <p> + “In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid Hexeter!' + or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!' HE knows what I mean: it's the + wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of my connexshn with those + two railroads. + </p> + <p> + “So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand + Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened + (provisionally) Rosamell—from the French line of which I am + Director; and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, 'Doctor,' + says I to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult you because my Midlands + are out of horder; and I want you to send them up to a premium.' The + Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s. + </p> + <p> + “But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has been to + CLEAR MY CARRATER—to show that I came by my money in a honrable way: + that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned it, and ham indeed + grateful for my good fortune. + </p> + <p> + “To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I don't + mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You are + corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more than + Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; but the primmier being of + low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. Consurvative though I + be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS before the next Election, when I intend to + hoffer myself as a Candydick for Parlymint. + </p> + <p> + “Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir, + </p> + <p> + “Your most obeajnt Survnt, + </p> + <p> + “FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE.” THE DIARY. + </p> + <p> + One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office, + evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He had no + flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were certainly two days + old. He had not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his + great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of the + rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation to + fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit to adorn himself. + </p> + <p> + “How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?” said we pleasantly, greeting our esteemed + contributor. + </p> + <p> + “Scrip be ——,” replied he, with an expression we cannot + repeat, and a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and + walked about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers, + and showing other signs of agitation. At last, “MR. PUNCH,” says he, after + a moment's hesitation, “I wish to speak to you on a pint of businiss. I + wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper. Suckmstances is + altered with me. I—I—in a word, CAN you lend me —L. for + the account?” + </p> + <p> + He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to mention it + here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs. Pump and + Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest fellow's eyes. He + squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting to a cab, he + plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the City. + </p> + <p> + Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open + pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we took an + inventory. It contained—three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor's ditto, + unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six + thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we take, + on an average, to be 1/4 discount; and in an old bit of paper tied with + pink ribbon a lock of chestnut hair, with the initials M. A. H. + </p> + <p> + In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the + proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are insignificant: as, + for instance:—“3rd January—Our beer in the Suvnts' hall so + PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely MUSS give warning, + & wood, but for my dear Mary Hann. February 7—That broot Screw, + the Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary Hann boxt his hold hears, + & served him right. I DATEST Screw,”—and so forth. Then the + diary relates to Stock Exchange operations, until we come to the time + when, having achieved his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and + his livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman upon town. + It is from the latter part of his diary that we make the following + </p> + <p> + EXTRAX:— + </p> + <p> + “Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that by the + exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a summ of 20,000 + lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann depreshiating the qualaty + of his own mackyrel?)—wen I enounced my abrup intention to cut—you + should have sean the sensation among hall the people! Cook wanted to know + whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or the slise of the breast of a Cold + Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a hinsalant + hoverbaring beest,) begged me to walk into the Hupper Servnts All, and try + a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his + and, & said, 'Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you & + me, & I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.' + </p> + <p> + “The sickofnts!—that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper + ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I'm + remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him for his + precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry (he never + would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs); and in + regard of Visp—why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest + hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused. + Gentlemen and ladies,' says I, as haughty as may be, 'there's nothink that + I want for that I can't go for to buy with my hown money, and take at my + lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh + myself in the KITCHING.' And so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these + minnial domestics; and ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back, + brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries for + hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames Street, and + which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks. + </p> + <p> + “There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious to + evoid a persnal leave-taking—Mary Hann Oggins, I mean—for my + art is natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I'd + given her previous the infamation of my departure—doing the ansom + thing by her at the same time—paying her back 20 lb., which she'd + lent me 6 months before: and paying her back not only the interest, but I + gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by way of + boanus. 'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif + positions in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for has for your + marrying a person in my rank, that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I + wish you a good-by, my good gal, and if you want to better yourself, + halways refer to me.' + </p> + <p> + “Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable kind), + but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into somethink + betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on the kitching + dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room bell. + Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & things, & my check for + 20lb. 10s., on the tabil when she went to hanser the bell. And now I heard + her sobbing and vimpering in her own room nex but one to mine, vith the + dore open, peraps expecting I should come in and say good-by. But, as soon + as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring Frederick my + fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting permission to take leaf + of my lady & the famly before my departure.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what a sweet + gal she was—hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then she + hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I + don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly's his—and has + for a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a Halbino, and her face looks as + if it were dipt in a brann mash. How she squeeged my & as she went + away! + </p> + <p> + “Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and hivory, and + I's as blew as Evin. + </p> + <p> + “I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb—been resolved to + hact the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!” + </p> + <p> + “25th.—I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and + have past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new soots of + close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise + me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a footman in disguise + hafter all.'” + </p> + <p> + “28th.—Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a wopper at + singing. I coodn make out why some people called out 'Bravo,' some + 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says I, at which + heverybody laft. + </p> + <p> + “I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms in goold + on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold waistcoat and dimind + studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia Jiponiky + in my button-ole, and have a double-barreld opera-glas, so big, that I + make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the other cabb. + </p> + <p> + “What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four gals are + faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all that they can + do, and somethink they can't. There's an indiscrible grace about her, and + Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams. + </p> + <p> + “Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on the + fourth tear? + </p> + <p> + “What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there! + </p> + <p> + “P.S.—Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per cent + this very day.” + </p> + <p> + “2nd July.—Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me, + Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion, Honorable + Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John's carridge there + in coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I'm obleged to + get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his. The gettin on + hossback agin is halways the juice & hall. Just as I was on, + Desperation begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so + on his anches, that I'm blest if I didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at + which Ballybunnion & the hother chaps rord with lafter. + </p> + <p> + “As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St. Helena + direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon Junction,' from + Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup heagerly.” + </p> + <p> + “6th July.—Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh + bords of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils + through Snowding and Plinlimming. + </p> + <p> + “Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd in the + vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks; Welsh rabbit + after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he went strummint on + his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me. + </p> + <p> + “It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried it, and + I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue i's. Why HAM I + always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is sasiety, it's lors is + irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a serving-made. What would + Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say? + </p> + <p> + “P.S.—I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money, + & halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,' + Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is the best + in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and seventeen pound sixteen + and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' Richmond, with the Countess St. Emilion + & the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of French could I speak, and + in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself halmost sick with + heating hices and desert, while the hothers were chattering and + parlyvooing. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we were more + happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-beer betwigst us), + more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with hall this splender!”— + </p> + <p> + “July 24.—My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely and + chasely furnished—the droring-room with yellow satting and silver + for the chairs and sophies—hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink + velvet & goold borders and fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, + embroydered with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c., as + handsome as goold can make them, and candle-sticks and shandalers of the + purest Hormolew. + </p> + <p> + “The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round igspanding + table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any number from 8 to 24—to + which it is my wish to restrict my parties. Curtings crimsing damask, + Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men decorats the + wall—namely, the Duke of Wellington. There's four of his Grace. For + I've remarked that if you wish to pass for a man of weight and + considdration you should holways praise and quote him. I have a valluble + one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert—has a Field + Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are + daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & + the Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which + Cinqbars has made me Capting. + </p> + <p> + “The Libery is not yet done. + </p> + <p> + “But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see it! such + a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with Walanseens Lace, and + lighted up of evenings with rose-colored tapers. Goold dressing-case and + twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold with curtings of pink and + silver brocayd held up a top by a goold Qpid who seems always a smilin + angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with + the finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2 groombs, and a + fimmale for the House. I've 7 osses: in cors if I hunt this winter I must + increase my ixtablishment. + </p> + <p> + “N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.; + Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the new + lines in prospick equily incouraging. + </p> + <p> + “People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us fashnabble + gents about townd—But I can tell 'em it's not hall goold that + glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour ours of studdy and + reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, + worling round in a walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly stepping a + kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into the Countess's hear + at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover the exorcisin ground in + the Park,—they little think that leader of the tong, seaminkly so + reckliss, is a careworn mann! and yet so it is. + </p> + <p> + “Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at double + quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy. + </p> + <p> + “First,—in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman reely + is, I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go through it 4 + times mor. + </p> + <p> + “I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and & a sure seat + across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding + Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've suffered + from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra. + </p> + <p> + “Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have been + surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the apartmince of + Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my dancing-master. From six + to nine we have walces and polkies—at nine, 'mangtiang & + depotment,' as he calls it & the manner of hentering a room, + complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting yourself at table. At + nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to a party), I make my bow—my + master (he's a Marquis in France, and ad misfortins, being connected with + young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me—I hadwance—speak abowt the + weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cussory manner. + Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann—we precede to the festive + bord—complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind, + addressing your neighbor, employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. + And then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat + like a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well—soon I shall be able + to inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr. + Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of Hancient + Rum;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself. + </p> + <p> + “The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins then, + reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts—Barnits as many as I + chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form a member. Last + Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my friends: the display was + sumptious; the company reshershy. Everything that Dellixy could suggest + was provided by Gunter. I had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess + of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be + called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H—— is the + Railway King,) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the + great Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust + of the fashn. I was in my GLOARY—the dear Countess and Lady Blanche + was dying with lauffing at my joax and fun—I was keeping the whole + table in a roar—when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly + Fitzwarren, my man, henters with an air of constanation. 'Theres somebody + at the door,' says he in a visper. + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of a + husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this time I + had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)—And so, + going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing Mr. + & Mrs. Blodder. + </p> + <p> + “I turned gashly pail. The table—the guests—the Countiss—Towrouski, + and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated I's. IT WAS MY + GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common, and + he—he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart. + </p> + <p> + “Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But the + unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, Huncle Bill + bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm! + </p> + <p> + “Phansy my feelinx.” + </p> + <p> + “Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the room: you + may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. Old Grann looked + round the room quite estounded by its horiental splender, and huncle Bill + (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the company as respeckfly as his + wulgar natur would alow) says—'Crikey, Jeames, you've got a better + birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and powder line.' 'Try + a few of them plovers hegs, sir,' I says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say, + that somethink would choke huncle B—-; 'and I hope, mam, now you've + ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment won't be out of your + way.' + </p> + <p> + “This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and because in + herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady, + which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my schooling; she got up + my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & many a lb; and manys the + time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea. But never mind + THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you must be tired hafter your walk.' + </p> + <p> + “'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, & I came in, in + THE CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren, intarupting her. + And I will say the feller showed his nouce & good breeding in this + difficklt momink; for he'd halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was + now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other + dellixies. + </p> + <p> + “'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that sly + wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle hold Lady, + pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take a + glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to horder + Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit rellatif + to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the elth of the company, + giving a smack with her lipps after she'd emtied the glas, which very + nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn't + igspose herself much farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take + another glas, I cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old Grann hearing + him edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!' and got up and made + him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another word. The presents of + the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy. + </p> + <p> + “The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at the + beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, got up to + leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to + conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it stood, + with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the footmin in + peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred apiece;—and there + stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, + Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint + should come out. + </p> + <p> + “Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, the + great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid as a howl, + looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they witnessed the sean. But + little lively good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going away with the + Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to me and said, 'Mr. + De la Pluche, you are a much better man than I took you to be. Though her + Ladyship IS horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take gin for + breakfast, don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for honoring + their father & mother.' + </p> + <p> + “And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all the + good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a trump for + sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills said she should + have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. But it was a + great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff. + </p> + <p> + “There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I muss say, + I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those fine ladies in + sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one of em can hold a + candle to Mary Hann.'” + </p> + <p> + “Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they har at + my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow me out of + the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I'm worth half a + millium. The number of lines they're putting me upon is inkumseavable. + I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire, + looks splendid in a perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two + thowsnd. + </p> + <p> + “How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into Lady + Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and cries out, + 'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she complyments me on my + taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit, and + always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff as + a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as poor as Joab—even he condysends + to be sivvle to the great De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, + lately, in his sollom, pompus way, 'to faver him with five minutes' + conversation.' I knew what was coming—application for shares—put + him down on my private list. Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing + through Bareacres—hoped I'd come down and shoot there. + </p> + <p> + “I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There, old + Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a footman. There, + old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing and + begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a VERY public place, I take my + change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs, or slap his padded old + shoulders. I call him, 'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince. It + does my art good. + </p> + <p> + “I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. Lady Pump, + the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her right, of course, with + an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in my fassanating way—full + of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy plesntry. Old Pump, from the + end of the table, asked me to drink shampane; and on turning to tak the + glass I saw Charles Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel + Spurriers' house) grinning over his shoulder at the butler. + </p> + <p> + “The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the hall, he + came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish visper. 'Just + come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for you, my old boy.' So I + beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I was + going to give him a sovaring. + </p> + <p> + “'I think you said “Jeames,” Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at + dinner?' + </p> + <p> + “'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.' + </p> + <p> + “'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just one on + the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd been shot. And + mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning + scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb.” + </p> + <p> + “Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, Earl + Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self & that + noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of + about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the + cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a pickewlear fine + flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather, and other hodarefarus + plants which grows on that mounting in the places where the rox and stones + don't prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and the land is + also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges—much more usefle and + ickonomicle than your quickset or any of that rubbishing sort of timber: + indeed the sile is of that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there + altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this land (the igsact + premium of my St. Helena Shares)—a very handsom price for land which + never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient to his Lordship I + know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which he had given them. + James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust time a landed propriator—or + rayther, I should say, is about to reshume the rank & dignity in the + country which his Hancestors so long occupied. + </p> + <p> + “I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the Squallop + Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered on the + North by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby Growler; on + the South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a young feller of + great emagination, womb we have employed to make a survey of the Great + Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton Hall, + Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is reprasented a + handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by + beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with boatsful of nobillaty and + musitions floting on its placid sufface—and a curricle is a driving + up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady + Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going to form a noble + kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my family once more with + Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some sentries separated us. I have + dreams of that sort. + </p> + <p> + “I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL, standing in a + hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with a serting butifle + young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames and lady Hangelina de + la Pluche! Ho! what will the old washywoman, my grandmother, say? She may + sell her mangle then, and shall too by my honor as a Gent.” + </p> + <p> + “As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to give + 5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer in vew. + Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't Squallop lie amediately + betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End, through which + cities our line passes? I will have 400,000 lb. for that mounting, or my + name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little barging too for my friend the + Erl. The line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre Park. He shall have a + good compensation I promis you; and then I shall get back the 3000 I lent + him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a horrid state.” + </p> + <p> + [The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no interest to the + public:—Memoranda of City dinners—meetings of Directors—fashionable + parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and nearly always by the side of his + new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose “pompossaty,” as previously described, + seems to have almost entirely subsided.] + </p> + <p> + We then come to the following:— + </p> + <p> + “With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett the + following news:— + </p> + <p> + “'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of Diddlesex. + </p> + <p> + “'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'” + </p> + <p> + “'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry. + </p> + <p> + “'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice Blowhard, + promoted.”' + </p> + <p> + “And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator—a Deppaty Leftnant—a + Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my + country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and me at the head of my + squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd extonish 'em! How the gals will + stare when they see me in youniform! How Mary Hann would—but + nonsince! I'm halways thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's. + She couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's got + a good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss, or make + her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my granmother so, + who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on Desparation to leave + a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she's sent it back, sealed with a + thimbill.” + </p> + <p> + Tuesday.—Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B——, + rellatiff to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that + hospicious seramony:— + </p> + <p> + “'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,—I THINK you had better be presented as a + Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know what the + uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince of + Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray jackets, leathers, red + morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with leopard-skin and a + white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of eighteen inches. That dress + will hardly answer at present, and must be modified, of coarse. We were + called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly + recommend the Deputy Lieutenant. + </p> + <p> + “'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-room. + Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, who will be + presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to + make your acquaintance. + </p> + <p> + “'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake, my dear + fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige + </p> + <p> + “'Yours, very gratefully, + </p> + <p> + “'BAREACRES.' + </p> + <p> + “Note.—Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M for + the cavvlery.” + </p> + <p> + “Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that month + that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my gracious Sovarink. + </p> + <p> + “Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my busm was + in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them thinking of the + great ewent—or if igsosted natur DID clothes my highlids—the + eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls, + presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my dreembs + unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never surely igseeded + that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I actially dremt that Her R. H. + the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit Counsel to + detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on me or the Prins of + Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or Germing zion of + nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious ideer. + </p> + <p> + “I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented to the + notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The Court-shoots in + which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like the—the—livries + (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear before entering sosiaty, + that I couldn't abide the notium of wearing one. My detummination was + fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant + youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas. + </p> + <p> + “Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself quite + hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as shuited the + presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig-tales was out of the + question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. My legg is praps the finist + pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle. + </p> + <p> + “I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have seen + Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go there. + Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have + myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables. + </p> + <p> + “Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold tassels as + bigg as belpulls. + </p> + <p> + “Jackit—French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according + to the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & settin + hoff the cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY. + </p> + <p> + “A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus + steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered pocket + ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, without vannaty, was, I + flatter myself, UNEAK. + </p> + <p> + “But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. The + huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet & + Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery Brittn; an + at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins; an At which + VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane etempted to run down. I chose + the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty, + intending to SURPRISE him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex Yomingry + I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a + shaving-brush. + </p> + <p> + “You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect to + practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say. + </p> + <p> + “This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made + Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord in + Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair to + reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my secknd man, + standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort. Hall + the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la Pluche, presented by Herl + Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to + the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty + towards the British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus + Simiter WOULD git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery + disagreeble)—rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but + respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated backards + out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym + the night before my presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with the + sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night. By abowt six o'clock in the morning I + was drest in my full uniform; and I didnt know how to pass the + interveaning hours. + </p> + <p> + “'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will rejoice + that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in life. Has I + ave read in the novle of “Kennleworth,” that the Herl goes down in Cort + dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down in all my splender and + astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.' To make this detummination; to + horder my Broom; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to bring + it; was with me the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a cavyleer + as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing. + </p> + <p> + “I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with the + cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed through + the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy ploom + was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the apartmint. + </p> + <p> + “There was a smell of tea there—there's always a smell of tea there—the + old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her; but ha! phansy + my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann! + </p> + <p> + “I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to me + subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did when you + arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were + diwine!' + </p> + <p> + “R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions in the + groce carriketure he's made of me.” * + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. +</pre> + <hr /> + <p> + “Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my hentrance to + St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish Hambasdor himself was + not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out. + </p> + <p> + “As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved to come + to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as a charger, and + got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which I drest my 2 men + (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it,) and 2 fellers from Rimles, + where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up St. Jeames's Street, with my 4 + Hadycongs—the people huzzaying—the gals waving their + hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins—hall the winders crowdid to + see me pass. + </p> + <p> + “The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came, for the + drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with presented harms. + </p> + <p> + “What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from Desperation. I + gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I past + into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs. + </p> + <p> + “You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the suckmstanzas + of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one who would gratafy + IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our reckonized instatewtions is my fust + quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying round my Thrown. + </p> + <p> + “Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,—when I sor + on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to + admire womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased with + an imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe—my trembling knees + halmost rifused their hoffis—I reckleck nothing mor until I was + found phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd + to be standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him, + igspecially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall + say nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT HE + ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I introjuiced + myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps + ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy. + </p> + <p> + “But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had the + inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, that + Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht Lady + Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey de + Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in the Peeridge + of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant + of the County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was with her + Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never lighted on this + hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady + Hangelina was the fairest Star—in that reath of Loveliness the + sweetest Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been + senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge disappeared in + a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of Hangelina. + </p> + <p> + “Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow—a grand and hawfle pusnage + her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge + phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly + bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so delighted to make your + acquaintance. I have often heard of you.' + </p> + <p> + “'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the fair + Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see I've not + studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces, without + which no Gent of fashn speaks now.) + </p> + <p> + “'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY old + friend of yours.' + </p> + <p> + “'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty— + </p> + <p> + “'Hoggins—Mary Ann Hoggins'—ansurred my lady (laffing phit to + splitt her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I'm + afraid you are a very sad, sad person.' + </p> + <p> + “'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with that + young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for hever, and + mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.' + </p> + <p> + “'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all dying to + know.” + </p> + <p> + “'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,' says I, + looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations of + my smile. + </p> + <p> + “'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes + standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of the Countess of + Bareacres' train?'—'Never mind Mamma's train' (said Lady Hangelina): + 'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all our fortunes—yours + too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me present you to Captain George Silvertop,'—The + Capting bent just one jint of his back very slitely; I retund his stare + with equill hottiness. 'Go and see for Lady Bareacres' carridge, George,' + says his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a cousin of ours—a poor + relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when he came back, nor in my + subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and fork was laid + reglar for this shabby Capting.” + </p> + <p> + “Thusday Night.—O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments + daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia + Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in her raving + Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what was my sattusfackshn as I + leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with my glas! + </p> + <p> + “She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however—would scarcely + speek; although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it + was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the box. As if he + didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) that + people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty.” + </p> + <p> + “Friday.—I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the + folloring lines—there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that she's fond + of. I edapted them to that mellady. + </p> + <p> + “She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the + pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick; said I sung + myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); and, on her + rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my pom: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS. + + “'When moonlike ore the hazure seas + In soft effulgence swells, + When silver jews and balmy breaze + Bend down the Lily's bells; + When calm and deap, the rosy sleap + Has lapt your soal in dreems, + R Hangeline! R lady mine! + Dost thou remember Jeames? + + “'I mark thee in the Marble All, + Where Englands loveliest shine— + I say the fairest of them hall + Is Lady Hangeline. + My soul, in desolate eclipse, + With recollection teems— + And then I hask, with weeping lips + Dost thou remember Jeames? + + “'Away! I may not tell thee hall + This soughring heart endures— + There is a lonely sperrit-call + That Sorrow never cures; + There is a little, little Star, + That still above me beams; + It is the Star of Hope—but ar! + Dost thou remember Jeames?' +</pre> + <p> + “When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I threw + such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at the hend, + that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium + seized her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard + her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor. + </p> + <p> + “O Hangelina—My adord one, My Arts joy!” . . . + </p> + <p> + “BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet Southdown, B's + eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting (who seems to git + leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have beene down into Diddlesex + for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there. + </p> + <p> + “Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent boy, + me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the Edges + with a pistle)—I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot, and + practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery, which a + chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded in itting the hannimle + pretty well. I bought Awker's 'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns at + Mantings, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most gawjus and + ellygant sportting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very + much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered satting, a + weskit of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter tartn, + (with large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and + sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes, was + the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff my + figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal + istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with + Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my + dressing-case and close. + </p> + <p> + “I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad + Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk of the + hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst 'em; + and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where I made + a speech droring tears from heavery i. It was in compliment to a layborer + who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years on the istate + on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station. I shook + hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told him that the purshuit + of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of humannaty: I spoke of the + yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of my hancisters) had conquered + at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a pair of new velveteen + inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket, as a reward for three + score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brought them forrards on a + satting cushing. Has I sat down defning chears selewted the horator; the + band struck up 'The Good Old English Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies + galry; my Hangelina waived her ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in + the distans that pore Mary Hann efected evidently to tears by my + ellaquints.” + </p> + <p> + “What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady Hangelina's + company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded gownds and retired caps + and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her which is puffickly admarable; + and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss, creates in my + boozum serting sensatiums . . . Shor! I MUSTN'T give way to fealinx + unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me but a mear + recklection—a vishn of former ears? + </p> + <p> + “I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. I met + her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a + melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was + eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient demean. + </p> + <p> + “'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I—'A penny for your Ladyship's + thought,' says I. + </p> + <p> + “'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice, with a + haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my thoughts are, well + enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us were poo—poo—oor,' + says Mary Hann, busting out in a phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide. I + took her and tried to cumft her: I pinted out the diffrents of our + sitawashns; igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as its + previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to marry into a noble famly. I + kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going hon hall the time) till Lady + Hangelina herself came up—'The real Siming Pewer,' as they say in + the play. + </p> + <p> + “There they stood together—them two young women. I don't know which + is the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt help comparing + myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found it difficklt to make + a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A.” + </p> + <p> + “That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren—my oan man—a feller I've + maid a fortune for—a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!—a + low bred Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and + treating me to his imperence. + </p> + <p> + “He's a great big athlatic feller—six foot i, with a pair of black + whiskers like air-brushes—with a look of a Colonel in the harmy—a + dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome from + shuiting this hafternoon—and passing through Lady Hangelina's + flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann + pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to her? + </p> + <p> + “'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money. We'll + take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a purse-proud + ungrateful fellow like Jeames—who's such a snob ('such a SNOB' was + his very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him—who's the laughing + stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too—try a MAN,' + says he—'don't be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.' + </p> + <p> + “Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust out a + laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and intarupt this + polite convasation. + </p> + <p> + “I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to the + young woman—and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to remain.' + </p> + <p> + “'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller—all the + colors of the ranebo. + </p> + <p> + “'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I. + </p> + <p> + “'It's not your livery,' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I, + unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my jackit, + Joe,' says I to the boy,—and put myself in a hattitude about which + there was NO MISTAYK. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “He's 2 stone heavier than me—and knows the use of his ands as well + as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb can't stand + before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, I've little doubt, but + they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had more than 2 + rounds. + </p> + <p> + “I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm writing + this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to dinner on + account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and disfiggrs me + dreadfl.” + </p> + <p> + “On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter with + the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with the + rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form an agreeable + twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard pheacher. My woons + was thus made to become me as much as pawsable; and (has the Poick well + observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the Fare') I cumsoled myself in the + sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory disfiggarment. + </p> + <p> + “It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my phisticoughs + with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis: but of corse I + dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting Adolphus, my + page, to his post of confidenshle Valley. + </p> + <p> + “Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits + during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me messidges by + her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was always + sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin + hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship would perscribe—then, + agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, + pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina + could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear mothers! + when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or to + ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give a + man! You'd have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), that I + couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and + blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I ebomminate + onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the kickpshaws of + France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, and sacrafised myself + for her dear sayk. + </p> + <p> + “I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and his + son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, and hoped + soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland. + </p> + <p> + “'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent father. 'You + have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and those of my Lady + Bareacres; but I am not—not quite certain about Lady Angelina's + feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of + prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able to make Angelina + understand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate + about love and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than + theirs know how to estimate.' + </p> + <p> + “'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out at + this outrayjus ideer. + </p> + <p> + “'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,—your + admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father's + wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our family.' + </p> + <p> + “'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,—'a barging's a barging—I'll + pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a STRAYNGER'—(this + I said in a sarcastickle toan)—'I wouldn't take such a LIBBATY. When + I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of your estayt. I'll make your + incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the ouse of Bareacres to its + herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting bisniss + imployed by Jeames De la Pluche, Esquire.' + </p> + <p> + “And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest + scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my + shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral + thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize till + the proper time, and then to buy istates; to found a new family of + Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country. + </p> + <p> + “These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. 'If + you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have married + you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a marter to dooty; + and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.' + </p> + <p> + “There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and Lady + Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow you were, + Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I liked), 'in your + fight with Fitzwarren—to engage a man of twice your strength and + science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this is an etroashous + folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 minnits), 'for the sake of poor + Mary Hann! That's a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to eminence + like you, having his heart in the right place. When is to be the marriage, + my boy?' + </p> + <p> + “'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a + precious sight more than you;'—and I gev him to understand I didn't + want him to put in HIS ore—I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, I + prommis you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as brayv as + Bonypert, Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well as + any Evy drigoon of 'em all. + </p> + <p> + “Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la Pluche + (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that you will be + happy with a person like me?' + </p> + <p> + “'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any such + thing.' + </p> + <p> + “'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep your + eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you begin + beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you don't marry her, and + perhaps some one else's—but you don't mind THAT.' + </p> + <p> + “'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for Mary + Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy. Once for + all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a pang to part with + her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), 'but part from her I + must.' + </p> + <p> + “It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina, that + melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml—yet + she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all. + </p> + <p> + “'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up Josephine. + What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!' + </p> + <p> + “'It does,' says I—'Hagnies!' (Another laff.) + </p> + <p> + “'And if—if I don't accept you—you will invade the States of + the Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion + of peace between you!' + </p> + <p> + “'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors your + Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers morgidged; that if + some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old pawper; that he owes me + a lot of money; and that I'm the man that can sell him up hoss & foot; + or set him up agen—THAT'S what I know, Lady Hangelina,' says I, with + a hair as much as to say, 'Put THAT in your ladyship's pipe and smoke it.' + </p> + <p> + “And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced— + </p> + <p> + “'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.—We hear that a matrimonial union is on the + tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the Railway + World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated + in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.'” + </p> + <p> + “Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the fealinx + of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by the hideer of my + marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the fickle + young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to give me hup, for we Gents are + creechers of vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit secks; and + betwigst you and me there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht that I'd been + borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have permitted me to marry + both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd to be appy with ony + one. + </p> + <p> + “Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my defianced + bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery the great + Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a gent of my + qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning Erald—no, no, + I'm not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit infamation) an account of + my famly, my harms and pedigry. + </p> + <p> + “I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my arms and + my adord wife's was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks of me and + her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to be the + gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man of fashn + wasn't compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I + presented to Hangelina. It's not considered flattring—and though SHE + parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young lady + (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her hi. + </p> + <p> + “Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about a + twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by Maryhann, + though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it & pressing it + to her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't got your angellick + smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.' + </p> + <p> + “Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her mamma, + though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the 'Book of Bewty' + the same year. + </p> + <p> + “With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her—but + the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted in a gitar + supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and her brother + Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering + stanzys about her:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT. + + “BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN. + + “The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea, + Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea: + I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er, + I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more. + I stood upon the donjon keep—it is a sacred place,—Where + floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race; + Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field, + There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield. + + “The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck, + On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck. + A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray—St. + Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day! + O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since + A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince! + At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers, + The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears! + + “'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing: + O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing! + Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us, + And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus! + O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear + Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear? + I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride, + And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side! + + “Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine! + Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line: + Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls, + The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls. + Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile, + 'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile. + I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob + I'll muse on other days, and wish—and wish I were.—A SNOB.” + </pre> + <p> + “All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle. They're always + writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps; but the ideer + of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his cuttin hoff his 'strong right + hand,' is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit hi,—as + ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a gal; and though he may have the + art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I'd back my smallest cab-boy to lick + him,—that is, if I AD a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is over. + </p> + <p> + “Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges of + the Istry of my life!” + </p> + <p> + “My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn, prawsprus + but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though mounted on the + haypix of Good Luck—feasting hall the great (like the Good Old + Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and igsample + through life), but not forgitting the small—No, my beayvior to my + granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what the + French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up her + linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a new shoot of close, which he ordered + in St. Jeames's Street, much to the estonishment of my Snyder there, + namely an olliffgreen velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush + weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I + never should have eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble + sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to either + good or bad forting. + </p> + <p> + “What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was prepayred + for my marridge—the consent of the parents of my Hangelina was + gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to + Himing's halter—the trooso was hordered—the wedding dressis + were being phitted hon—a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn + reddy by Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there was such an account for + Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know they + did the Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has for + Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away—no + not by Hiss Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl + and dimind shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and + Mortimer. The honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, + and was in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my + town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-Markit which + was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of the misrable + Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was restored to its + elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or + 3: and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally, had bought very largely + for the two or three new accounts. + </p> + <p> + “This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders + for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their accounts. I am the + soal of onour—but no gent can pay when he has no money—it's + not MY fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred + yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the + largist Injar Shawls—it's not MY fault if the tradespeople didn git + their goods back, and that Lady B. declared they were LOST. I began the + world afresh with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, + concealing nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and + though beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin. + </p> + <p> + “Well—it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The + 'Ringdove' steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle + apartmince had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur + Mare—the very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in Ill + Street, and the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop of + Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were + full of it. Crowds of the fashnable world went to see the trooso, and + admire the Carridges in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined + with pink satting, and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of + all for quiet ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my + vally, and Mary Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our + match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and + joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly. + </p> + <p> + “I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before—aving a + multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts to + settle: atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in horder: my + sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to + be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: tride on my wedding close, + and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly. + </p> + <p> + “One thing distubbed my mind—two weskts had been sent home. A + blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet imbridered in + silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated and + perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street and + cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and wear + whichever SHE phixt on. + </p> + <p> + “There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street: which + I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared meost + uncommon when I kem in—the footman who was to enounce me laft I + thought—I was going up stairs— + </p> + <p> + “'Her ladyship's not—not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's hill + in bed.' + </p> + <p> + “'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.' + </p> + <p> + “At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out like + a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the porter jined in it, + the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, slapping his and on his thy, + without the least respect—I say, Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good + un?' + </p> + <p> + “'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and laffing at + me?' + </p> + <p> + “'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'—and + indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs—her + &s in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look + hod & then to grin too. + </p> + <p> + “'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring him + fit to throttle him—'no raskle of a flunky shall insult ME,' and I + sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of 'em into the + hall-chair with a flopp—when Mary Hann, jumping down, says, 'O + James! O Mr. Plush! read this'—and she pulled out a billy doo. + </p> + <p> + “I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina.” + </p> + <p> + “Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished pretensions which + you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; and have spared me the + painful necessity of the step which I am compelled to take. For a long + time I could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to sacrifice + me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot undergo the + shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last hour I remonstrated + in vain, and only now anticipate by a few hours, my departure from a home + from which they themselves were about to expel me. + </p> + <p> + “'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you + are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed of + the step I have taken. And I have my own honor to consult, even before + their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before long. + </p> + <p> + “'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite + feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. She admires you + as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you to + try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try—for the sake of your + sincere friend and admirer, A. + </p> + <p> + “'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds are + beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.' + </p> + <p> + “This was hall!—Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, + and that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who has she + gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just touched + the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with the noats to put + hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then! + </p> + <p> + “I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement! + </p> + <p> + “The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is from the + Morning Tatler newspaper:— + </p> + <p> + “ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. “THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT. + </p> + <p> + “The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world, has + been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event which + has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and affliction. + </p> + <p> + “It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a + marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl, and a + Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been the theme of + general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was supposed, in all human + probability would have contained an account of the marriage of James De la + Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina ——, daughter of the Right + honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The preparations for this ceremony were + complete: we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich trousseau (prepared + by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall); the magnificent jewels from the + establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant marriage cake, + which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not destined to be eaten by + the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb carriages, and magnificent + liveries, which had been provided in a style of the most lavish yet + tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy + had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials, and is staying at Mivart's. + What must have been the feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of + the agonized and noble parents of the Lady Angelina—when it was + discovered, on the day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled + the paternal mansion! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble + niece's departure might have been fatal: we have it from the waiters of + Mivart's that his Lordship was about to indulge in the refreshment of + turtle soup when the news was brought to him; immediate apoplexy was + apprehended; but Mr. Macann, the celebrated surgeon of Westminster, was + luckily passing through Bond Street at the time, and being promptly called + in, bled and relieved the exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to + the Palace, Bullocksmithy, tomorrow. + </p> + <p> + “The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres can be + imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to disturb—impossible + is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our reporters have made + inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion in Hill Street, + regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable Countess. They + have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but pardon. One was + threatened with a cane; another, in the pursuit of his official inquiries, + was saluted with a pail of water; a third gentleman was menaced in a + pugilistic manner by his Lordship's porter; but being of an Irish nation, + a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College, Dublin, + the gentleman of our establishment confronted the menial, and having + severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring hotel much frequented by the + domestics of the surrounding nobility, and there obtained what we believe + to be the most accurate particulars of this extraordinary occurrence. + </p> + <p> + “George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of Lord + Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:—Lady Angelina had been + promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide + that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall. Previous to + his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At that + period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the + quality of ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was employed. + Miss Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady Angelina—the + elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss Hoggins who + delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his loss. + </p> + <p> + “Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres, was + ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a cabriolet from + the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. 19,796, driven by + George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clonakilty, in the + neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, according + to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with his vehicle. + His young lady, accompanied by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a + band-box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what were + the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain. On asking + her Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any particular + direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the eminent + milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he should + accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss Hoggins + to go about his business. + </p> + <p> + “Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab 19,796, + or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with no small + difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln's Inn Fields, where + he lives with his family of nine children. Having received two sovereigns, + instead doubtless of two shillings (his regular fare, by the way, would + have been only one-and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab + for the two last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless + intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer to the queries of + our reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a compatriot, it is + probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity of the + public. + </p> + <p> + “At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A GENTLEMAN + entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER gentleman (meaning + tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray trousers, and black hat and a + pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE EUSTON SQUARE STATION, and there left + them. How he employed his time subsequently we have stated. + </p> + <p> + “At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment learned + from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman answering the + above description had taken places to Derby. We have despatched a + confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and shall give his + report in a second edition. + </p> + <p> + “SECOND EDITION. + </p> + <p> + “(From our Reporter.) + </p> + <p> + “NEWCASTLE, Monday. + </p> + <p> + “I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and Cucumber + Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS. JONES, the + gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box, + arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to + SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot, as + they are putting to. + </p> + <p> + “THIRD EDITION. + </p> + <p> + “GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening. + </p> + <p> + “The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock, the + Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between + George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third + son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and Lady + Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the present Earl of + Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina + Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl + Bareacres. + </p> + <p> + (Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book of + Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be + repeated here.) + </p> + <p> + “After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment of + sherry and water—the former the Captain pronounced to be execrable; + and, having myself tasted some glasses from the VERY SAME BOTTLE with + which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the Captain + was rather hard upon mine host of the 'Bagpipes Hotel and Posting-House,' + whence they instantly proceeded. I follow them as soon as the horses have + fed. + </p> + <p> + “FOURTH EDITION. “SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER. + </p> + <p> + “WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight. + </p> + <p> + “I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the newly + married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace, reached + Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the 'Cairngorm Arms'—mine + is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of Whistlebinkie.' + </p> + <p> + “On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of military + appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in smoking a + cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the gentleman + in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my boy? You have come too + late; unless you are come to have some supper;' or words to that effect. I + explained that I was not the Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely + apprised Captain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the individual before + me could be no other) of his mistake. + </p> + <p> + “'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you, then?' said + Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's attorneys? If you + are, you have come too late for the fair.' + </p> + <p> + “I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my name + was J—ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the + establishment of the Morning Tatler newspaper. + </p> + <p> + “'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked my + interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank—that the + disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused the + greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were anxious + to give the public every particular regarding an event so singular. + </p> + <p> + “'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from + London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the readers of + the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ——(the + Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you + too, sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.' + </p> + <p> + “'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, seizing me + rudely by the collar—and he would have choked me, but that my blue + satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of this + GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe, + 'murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to the + crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable; they and the unfeeling + post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, 'Give it him, + Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have had + the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general and + indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and said, + 'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap, Jims, and + order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense—and mind I don't see + your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it is.' + </p> + <p> + “With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr. Silvertop + entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of his hospitality, + and that personally I despise his insults. I make them known that they may + call down the indignation of the body of which I am a member, and throw + myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman shamefully assaulted + and insulted in the discharge of a public duty.” + </p> + <p> + “Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of my busm, + and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou be + appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink on + womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your be1/2! + </p> + <p> + “I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of Hangelina's + departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the fatle noose. + Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, they were married, and what + could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl Bareacres, when that + distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er who was to have been my + mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I never from that momink sor agin. My + presnts, troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back—with the igsepshn + of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship COODN'T FIND. Ony it + was whispered that at the nex buthday she was seen with a shawl IGSACKLY + OF THE SAME PATTN. Let er keep it. + </p> + <p> + “Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me + adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister—but I + wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh—there was no more money for + THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a poem, + which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Assombly. + </p> + <p> + “All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers, hors + dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills, + haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss + didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack'd my + hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night I + follered Hangelinar in imadganation along the North Road. I wented cusses + & mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in my + unhuttarable whoe! I seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it, + strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint + grasp; and taw the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible strenth + of my despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of that night. + When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning, the livid copse + in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De la Pluche! + </p> + <p> + “'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I had not + perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged elseware. Hevns + & huth!—what was it I red there? What was it that made me spring + outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?—I red Rewin in that + Share-list—the Pannick was in full hoparation! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is familliar? + My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding + art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of + twenty-three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at + least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas quotid + at 14 pm, were down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at 3/8 discount; + my Table Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my Bathershins + and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account at 17 + primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central Oregons, + prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be alive to write + my own tail!” + </p> + <p> + (Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad + calculations, which we pretermit.) + </p> + <p> + “Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me a + threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-sixpence: woodn't + advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of scrip; kep me waiting 2 hours + when I asked to see the house; and then sent out Spout, the jewnior + partner, saying they wouldn't discount my paper, and implawed me to + clothes my account. I did: I paid the three-and-six balliance, and never + sor 'em mor. + </p> + <p> + “The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies, + Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They + beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn + keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and Mr. + Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off every + stick of my furniture. 'Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.' + What an adwertisement George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was + collected to laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller + of wine; my picturs—that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless + her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all—all went to the ammer. + That brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on + the sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into suvvis aginn.' + </p> + <p> + “I DID go into suvvis—the wust of all suvvices—I went into the + Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial + weeks. Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble altogether; there was + sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to + drive hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat + old lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has + an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann! + 'Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann said. + Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral: but I + didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed man. Ho, what + a feast there was at Healing the day I came out! I'd thirteen shillings + left when I'd bought the gold ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned the mangle + for three weeks; and then Uncle Bill said, 'Well, there IS some good in + the feller;' and it was agreed that we should marry.” + </p> + <p> + The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw the + accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are happy + to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one. + </p> + <p> + The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of + Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop. Her + elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable prelate: he + returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had been for thirty + years the episcopal ornament, and where he married three wives, who lie + buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy. + </p> + <p> + The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing a + charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop fell + suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his accustomed + dish of devilled kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable form + extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand; but + life was extinct: and surgical aid was therefore not particularly useful. + </p> + <p> + All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man + increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in during his + episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds—divided + between his nephew and niece—not a greater sum than has been left by + several deceased Irish prelates. + </p> + <p> + What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon to + state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which + does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina + Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and affectionate + servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. James Plush, to whom + her Ladyship also made a handsome present—namely, the lease, + good-will, and fixtures of the “Wheel of Fortune” public-house, near + Shepherd's Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by all the + nobility's footmen, doing a genteel stroke of business in the + neighborhood, and where, as we have heard, the “Butlers' Club” is held. + </p> + <p> + Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife: reconciled + to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a higher one + before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates himself to an + apron with perfect good humor. A gentleman connected with this + establishment dined at the “Wheel of Fortune” the other day, and collected + the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he brought in the + first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of excellent + port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he said—that a + witless version of his adventures had been produced at the Princess's + theatre, “without with your leaf or by your leaf,” as he expressed it. + “Has for the rest,” the worthy fellow said, “I'm appy—praps betwixt + you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port (with + your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much as my clarrit in my + prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely to be better. If a + man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary Hann, he's a beest: and when + a christening takes place in our famly, will you give my complments to MR. + PUNCH, and ask him to be godfather.” + </p> + <p> + LETTERS OF JEAMES. JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS. + </p> + <p> + “Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety the + follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an olesome + warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents. + </p> + <p> + “Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable cludgyman in + the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel T——, of + the Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young man was sent to + Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very nearly + being Senior Rangler. He came to London to study for the lor. His prospix + was bright indead; and he lived in a secknd flore in Jerming Street, + having a ginteal inkum of two hundred lbs. per hannum. + </p> + <p> + “With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted for + nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young man, who took + care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots; cleaned his + kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to dine out, took his + meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club—where (unless + somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed his alf-pint of + Marsally Wine. + </p> + <p> + “Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the world. + Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long befor sevral of + the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; one, ixpecially, the + lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of the Heast-Injar Derector of + that name. As she was the richest gal of all the season, of corse + Frederick fell in love with her. His haspirations were on the pint of + being crowndid with success; and it was agreed that as soon as he was + called to the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a revising + barrister, or Lord Chanslor, he should lead her to the halter. + </p> + <p> + “What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up his + mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent pleader; he + devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb, or with his hadord + Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies; he never was known + to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip-top friends lent it him; to go to + a theayter unless he got a horder; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar. + If prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that young man. + </p> + <p> + “But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick Timmins. + The Railway Hoperations began. + </p> + <p> + “For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations of + his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took no note + of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution which with + hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they began to be talked + of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford and Cambridge Clubb, + fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared four + thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his proppaty + gambling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who had won it, had + won a small istate besides by lucky specklations in the Share Markit. + </p> + <p> + “HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having saved + 100 lb., he began a writin for shares—using, like an ickonominicle + feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious igstent. All the + Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to shares—the + allottments came tumbling in—he took the primmiums by fifties and + hundreds a day. His desk was cramd full of bank notes: his brane world + with igsitement. + </p> + <p> + “He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day about + Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole talk was of + railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled full of + prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle, to say he + feared he was neglectin his bisniss. + </p> + <p> + “Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous habits. He + begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to Greenwich or + Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often: although the hawdacious + and misguided young man might have done so much more heasily now than + before: for now he kep a Broom! + </p> + <p> + “But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin: in an + evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning to all + young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on them in a moral pint + of vu! + </p> + <p> + “You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican Line, + the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal) + Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit ninepence per share + of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or four healthy + niggers, African currency)—the shares of this helegeble investment + rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy man was Fred when, after paying + down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he sold his shares for 250L. He gave a + dinner at the 'Star and Garter' that very day. I promise you there was no + Marsally THERE. + </p> + <p> + “Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose to 5, + he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he, 'when all this + money was to be won!' + </p> + <p> + “'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw, + K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear fellow, the + shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word of honor + not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?' + </p> + <p> + “'Honor bright,' says Fred. + </p> + <p> + “'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but went + tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of the streets. + Claw WENT BY WATER. + </p> + <p> + “'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting into + his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which says:— + </p> + <p> + “'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.' + </p> + <p> + “And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging. + </p> + <p> + “What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since. His + lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain deplores his + absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his housekeeper; and the + Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in the + fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High Life.—The rich and + beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, is to be speedily united + to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.' + </p> + <p> + “JEAMES.” JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION. + </p> + <p> + “You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the haltered + linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble mislny were + once fimiliar,—the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated + in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the + 'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me; that is my haypun which + I wear as becomes a publican—those is the checkers which hornyment + the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to + any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang in my time, aint now + abov droring a pint of Small Bier. As for my wife—that Angel—I've + not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in the Bar, smiling like a + sunflower and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing a deer little darlint + totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i's to a T! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. +</pre> + <p> + “I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but a Bill + agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix—which with all my + sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys as + to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and scorn artily. But + as a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my jewty compels me to + come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE—the + break of Gage. + </p> + <p> + “An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very nearly had + the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when the Lady Angelina + S——, daughter of the Earl of B——cres, presented + the gallant Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would + satasfy her Ladyship but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my wife + Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion. Captain S—— + was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment to his Lady. I + cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, and our + dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend's residence, Honeymoon + Lodge, near Cheltenham. + </p> + <p> + “Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4, but + Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon Railroad + travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great + Westn, in an eavle Hour. + </p> + <p> + “We didnt take much luggitch—my wife's things in the ushal bandboxes—mine + in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's (called so in complament to + his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a small supply of a few 100 weight of + Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady's fingers, for that dear child, + who is now 6 months old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE. Likewise we were + charged with a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary & + Morris, containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's cawdle, with a + few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and owsehold: about 2000 + spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's in Regent Street, a + Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big enough to immus a + Halderman), & a case marked 'Glass,' from her ladyship's meddicle man, + which were stowed away together; had to this an ormylew Cradle, with + rose-colored Satting & Pink lace hangings, held up by a gold + tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding James Hangelo's rattle & my + umbrellow, 73 packidges in all. + </p> + <p> + “We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid Refreshment + room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet spencers, who + serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn upon this Art which I + shoodn't like Mary Hann to know—and here, to our infanit disgust, we + changed carridges. I forgot to say that we were in the seeknd class, + having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other light harticles. + </p> + <p> + “Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my hi upon + the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; but seasing up + James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an Am Sangwidg) and + seeing my igspresshn of hi—'James,' says Mary Hann, 'instead of + looking at that young lady—and not so VERY young neither—be + pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the other carridge.' + I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the opsit carridg, + only missing my umberella & baby's rattle; and jest as I came back for + my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the whizzling injians + proclayms the time of our departure,—& farewell soop and cottn + velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the umberella. If + it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James + Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: & + for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the + passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly. + </p> + <p> + “We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged to + undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs, tippits, + cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like mad, and + pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the broad + gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' says I, rot to desperation, 'I shall + throttle this darling if he goes on.' 'Do,' says she—'and GO INTO + THE REFRESHMENT room,' says she—a snatchin the babby out of my arms. + Do go,' says she, youre not fit to look after luggage,' and she began + lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she looked after the + packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that packet!—pretty + darling—easy with that box, Sir, its glass—pooooty poppet—where's + the deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried, reading out of a list + she had.—And poor little James went to sleep. The porters were + bundling and carting the various harticles with no more ceremony than if + each package had been of cannonball. + </p> + <p> + “At last—bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the + Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white bandbox, with + a crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from Crinoline's!' cries Mary + Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward to + inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls clinking inside; and + Lady B.'s mixture (which had the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was + dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak, + trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting. + </p> + <p> + “As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I thought I + WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little soup; so I + wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off. + There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered with a + pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not speak for some + minutes. At last she spoke out— + </p> + <p> + “'Have you all the small parcels?' + </p> + <p> + “'Twenty-three in all,' says I. + </p> + <p> + “'Then give me baby.' + </p> + <p> + “'Give you what?' says I. + </p> + <p> + “'Give me baby.' + </p> + <p> + “'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE LEDGE AT + GLOSTER. + </p> + <p> + “It all came of the break of gage.” + </p> + <p> + MR. JEAMES AGAIN. + </p> + <p> + “DEAR MR. PUNCH,—As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my + privit ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis, + regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose primmiture + dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted parents, I must begg, + dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of your valuble collams once + more, and hease the public mind about my blessid boy. + </p> + <p> + “Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush was left + in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most disgreeble of + complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be said + almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rusht into that fashnable + Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my + lapp. + </p> + <p> + “When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at the + train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the luggitch, her + Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady Hangelina's baby, the + lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one immortial smash; the old cat + howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if it was huss, and not the + infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and as if we ad no misfortns of our + hown to deplaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called Mary Hann a + good for nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on about her + broken Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear little + Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby' (seshe); + 'where's my bowl?—where's my medsan?—where's my bewtiffle Pint + lace?—All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!' + </p> + <p> + “'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite riled + by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at Gloster, why + your goods is spiled—it's not the fust time they've been asked the + question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you send for MEDSAN + and meanwild buy some at the “Plow”—they keep it very good and + strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a going back to the cussid + station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.' + </p> + <p> + “'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not going to + Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss it?' + </p> + <p> + “'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint by the + Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I lep into a + one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to Gloster. + </p> + <p> + “I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in the + carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. When we got + to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to the + station, up to the fatle Bench. + </p> + <p> + “'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's my + infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,—dear Mr. Policeman, + give it me—a thousand guineas for it.' + </p> + <p> + “'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby have I + seen this day except thirteen of my own—and you're welcome to any + one of THEM, and kindly.' + </p> + <p> + “'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said, + afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time—pawters + & clarx and refreshmint people and all. 'What's this year row about + that there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping hup. I thought my + wife was going to jump into his harms. 'Have you got him?' says she. + </p> + <p> + “'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he. + </p> + <p> + “'And blue eyse!' says my wife. + </p> + <p> + “'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by this + time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a letter-box,' says + he: 'he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the broad gauge line, and + sent him on by it, in course,' says he. 'And it'll be a caution to you, + young woman, for the future, to label your children along with the rest of + your luggage.' + </p> + <p> + “If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may emadgine + I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As it was, we was + obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train (4 ears they seemed to + us), and then away we went. + </p> + <p> + “'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got there. + 'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man. 'No body claimed him here, and + so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him some supper, + and he's at Paddington by this time. Yes,' says he, looking at the clock, + 'he's been there these ten minutes.' + </p> + <p> + “But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this good-naterd + man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your mind. We'll know + in five minutes how he is.' + </p> + <p> + “'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.' + </p> + <p> + “And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle + inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the twinkling + of a peg-post. + </p> + <p> + “'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.' + </p> + <p> + “Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed. Back comes the + answer in a Jiffy— + </p> + <p> + “'C. R. Y. I. N. G.' + </p> + <p> + “This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann, who + pull'd a very sad face. + </p> + <p> + “The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;' and + what d'ye think was the answer? I'm blest if it wasn't— + </p> + <p> + “'P. A. P.' + </p> + <p> + “He was eating pap! There's for you—there's a rogue for you—there's + a March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust time. 'He'll sleep + now,' says she. And she sat down with a full hart. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE need never + ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I promise you—where + me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and where only yesterday a gent + came in and drew this pictur* of us in our bar. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work. +</pre> + <p> + “And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most precious + luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this year way, why it + won't be for want of warning, both from Professor Harris, the Commission, + and from + </p> + <p> + “My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant, + </p> + <p> + “JEAMES PLUSH.” <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> + <h3> + “TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION.” + </h3> + <p> + I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public I + should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, as I leave + it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows:— + </p> + <p> + MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S., + </p> + <p> + Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse, + </p> + <p> + AHMEDNUGGAR. + </p> + <p> + Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid any of + those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so frequent of + late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble title of + mine, and the confusion thereby created. When I published my volume of + poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper remarked “that the Lyrics + of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among the sweetest flowrets + of the present spring season.” The Quarterly Review, commenting upon my + Observations on the “Pons Asinorum” (4to. London, 1836), called me “Doctor + Gahagan,” and so on. It was time to put an end to these mistakes, and I + have taken the above simple remedy. + </p> + <p> + I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at + the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl—ns + (who, though she does not speak English, understands it as well as I do,) + said to me in the softest Teutonic, “Lieber Herr Major, haben sie den + Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion gelassen?” “Warum denn?” said I, quite + astonished at her R—-l H——-ss's question. The P—-cess + then spoke of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Goliah + Gahagan. + </p> + <p> + There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question. + </p> + <p> + “Comment donc?” said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count Mole; + “le cher Major a quitte l'armee! Nicolas donc sera maitre de l'Inde!” H. M—— + and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation in a low tone, and left + me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state of confusion. I blushed and + stuttered, and murmured out a few incoherent words to explain—but it + would not do—I could not recover my equanimity during the course of + the dinner and while endeavoring to help an English Duke, my neighbor, to + poulet a l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms and three large greasy + croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill. Another laugh at my expense. + “Ah! M. le Major,” said the Q—— of the B-lg—ns, archly, + “vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel.” Her M——y's joke + will be better understood when I state that his Grace is the brother of a + Minister. + </p> + <p> + I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by mentioning + the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. I only wish to + have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least in DECENT + society. Verbum sat. + </p> + <p> + But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah in + full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also a + Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the public + most likely knows. Poor Greg! a very trivial dispute was the cause of our + quarrel, which never would have originated but for the similarity of our + names. The circumstance was this: I had been lucky enough to render the + Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling service (in the notorious affair of + Choprasjee Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a gold toothpick-case + directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course thought was for me: my + brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the consequence was, that in + about three minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut 6), which + effectually did his business:—he was a good swordsman enough—I + was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous part of the affair is, + that the toothpick-case was his, after all—he had left it on the + Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what madness prompted him to + fight about such a paltry bauble; he had much better have yielded it at + once, when he saw I was determined to have it. From this slight specimen + of my adventures, the reader will perceive that my life has been one of no + ordinary interest; and, in fact, I may say that I have led a more + remarkable life than any man in the service—I have been at more + pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes, had more success among the fair + sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a handsomer man than any officer + now serving her Majesty. + </p> + <p> + When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of seventeen, + with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic at all kinds of + exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else who would trust me, + possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of 120L. a year. I need not + say that with all these advantages I did that which a number of clever + fellows have done before me—I fell in love, and proposed to marry + immediately. + </p> + <p> + But how to overcome the difficulty?—It is true that I loved Julia + Jowler—loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a + Member of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was, + however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the “Samuel + Snob” East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely creature, and my + misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. We were not out of + the Channel before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she trod upon, + kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. The same + madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates fought about her at + the Cape; the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from disappointed + affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten spontaneous + combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven + daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs. L., and + made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me, with tears in his + eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs. Duffy, although he had had + nineteen children by her. + </p> + <p> + We used to call her the witch—there was magic in her beauty and in + her voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark staring mad + when she looked at me! O lustrous black eyes!—O glossy night-black + ringlets!—O lips!—O dainty frocks of white muslin!—O + tiny kid slippers!—though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still! I + recollect, off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular way one day + at dinner, just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of scalding hot + green fat. I was stupefied at once—I thrust the entire morsel (about + half a pound) into my mouth. I made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate + it, but left it there for many minutes, burning, burning! I had no skin to + my palate for seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest + of the voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia + Jowler over me. + </p> + <p> + The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of storms, + shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so forth, that + (although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think it + quite unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to say, + that during our five months' trajet, my mad passion for Julia daily + increased; so did the captain's and the surgeon's; so did Colonel + Lilywhite's; so did the doctor's, the mate's—that of most part of + the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew. For myself, I swore—ensign + as I was—I would win her for my wife; I vowed that I would make her + glorious with my sword—that as soon as I had made a favorable + impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to create), I + would lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand his + daughter's hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage continue + and conclude. + </p> + <p> + We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December, 1802, and + then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was carried off to her + papa's arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at least forty hookahbadars; + whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a solitary beasty + (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are called), made his way + humbly to join the regiment at head-quarters. + </p> + <p> + The —th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of + Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and Europe + by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles—so great was its + character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in that delightful + district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in command, and Tom + Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through the body, was + second Major. We were on the eve of that remarkable war which was speedily + to spread throughout the whole of India, to call forth the valor of a + Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a Gahagan; which was + illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar (where I was the first over + the barricade at the storming of the Pettah); at Argaum, where I slew with + my own sword twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in two; and + by that terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would have been beaten but + for me—me alone: I headed nineteen charges of cavalry, took (aided + by only four men of my own troop) seventeen field-pieces, killing the + scoundrelly French artillerymen; on that day I had eleven elephants shot + under me, and carried away Scindiah's nose-ring with a pistol-ball. + Wellesley is a Duke and a Marshal, I but a simple Major of Irregulars. + Such is fortune and war! But my feelings carry me away from my narrative, + which had better proceed with more order. + </p> + <p> + On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first time put + on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue swallow-tailed + jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with about 3,000 sugar-loaf + buttons, rhubarb-colored leather inexpressibles (tights), and red morocco + boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to admiration the handsome + persons of the officers of our corps. We wore powder in those days; and a + regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded by + leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather, gave the head a + fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more easily imagined than + described. + </p> + <p> + Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself before + Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely similar, but not + being more than five feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen stone, + the dress he wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and taller + men. Flanked by his tall Majors, Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like a stumpy + skittle-ball between two attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel + received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime favorite + with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was the most + hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love together, I + continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet presence of + Julia. + </p> + <p> + I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early + days, that this Miss Jowler—on whom I had lavished my first and + warmest love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and purity—was + no better than a little impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, + because during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no other toy to play + with; and who deserted others for me, and me for others, just as her whim + or her interest might guide her. She had not been three weeks at + head-quarters when half the regiment was in love with her. Each and all of + the candidates had some favor to boast of, or some encouraging hopes on + which to build. It was the scene of the “Samuel Snob” over again, only + heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list will give + the reader a notion of some of them:— + </p> + <p> + 1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. Hicks + received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity of carroty + whisker forced down his throat with the ball. + </p> + <p> + 2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan. I was run through the + body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and injured me very slightly. + </p> + <p> + 3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S., + Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo grounds, + Ramgolly branch. + </p> + <p> + Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's-play, and he might have come + off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the civilian + placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his stomach. A + remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account of which I sent + home to the “Philosophical Transactions:” the surgeon had extracted the + ball, and was going off, thinking that all was well, when the gold + repeater struck thirteen in poor Macgillicuddy's abdomen. I suppose that + the works must have been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for the + repeater was one of Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the + circumstance occurred at SEVEN o'clock.* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * So admirable are the performances of these watches, which + will stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor + Macgillicuddy relate the following fact. The hours, as it + is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four: the day + Mac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours, + from one to twenty-four; as soon as he crossed the Alps it + only sounded as usual.—G. O'G. G. +</pre> + <p> + I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which this + Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should think, + satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, heaven + knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the sake + of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I know that four times + as many more took place concerning her. + </p> + <p> + I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had been + born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had married from the + house of her mother, a native. There were some singular rumors abroad + regarding this latter lady's history: it was reported that she was the + daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off by a poor English + subaltern in Lord Clive's time. The young man was killed very soon after, + and left his child with its mother. The black Prince forgave his daughter + and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I suppose that it was on + this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who had not, I do + believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality: she was a + hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, and red + eyes: she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy—she hated and was hated + by all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any other. + She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent most of her time + with her native friends. I wonder how she could have given birth to so + lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of course with the + Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her daughter's + composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her. If Julia had been + a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now; she set the whole cantonment + by the ears; she made wives jealous and husbands miserable; she caused all + those duels of which I have discoursed already, and yet such was the + fascination of THE WITCH that I still thought her an angel. I made court + to the nasty mother in order to be near the daughter; and I listened + untiringly to Jowler's interminable dull stories, because I was occupied + all the time in watching the graceful movements of Miss Julia. + </p> + <p> + But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the + battle-field Gahagan is a man! The Bundelcund Invincibles received orders + to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and prepared to part + from his Andromache. And now arose his perplexity: what must be done with + his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife's peculiarities of living, and + did not much care to trust his daughter to her keeping; but in vain he + tried to find her an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment. + Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing to do with Mrs. + Jowler; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have neither mother nor + daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her mother must have a house + together, and Jowler knew that his wife would fill it with her odious + blackamoor friends. + </p> + <p> + I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned + from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see her alone, and + wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer does about a + public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and + longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or + her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the tale of + my love. + </p> + <p> + But it would not do—old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a sudden + to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him out of doors, + and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin gave the first idea + of our regimental breeches), who before had been gadding ceaselessly + abroad, and poking her broad nose into every menage in the cantonment, + stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My only chance was to beard + the old couple in their den, and ask them at once for their cub. + </p> + <p> + So I called one day at tiffin:—old Jowler was always happy to have + my company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson's + pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was + in Bengal)—and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old + Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;—she was exactly the color of + it, as I have had already the honor to remark, and she swallowed the + mixture with a gusto which was never equalled, except by my poor friend + Dando apropos d'huitres. She consumed the first three platefuls with a + fork and spoon, like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old + hag would throw away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes + towards her, go to work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with + her fingers, and stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy + company. But why do I diverge from the main point of my story? + </p> + <p> + Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl was in + the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. “How do you do, Mr. + Gagin?” said the old hag, leeringly. “Eat a bit o' currie-bhaut,”—and + she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. “What! Gagy + my boy, how do, how do?” said the fat Colonel. “What! run through the + body?—got well again—have some Hodgson—run through your + body too!”—and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact + that in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of + the skin) old Jowler laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, + sices, consomahs, and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, + unasked, with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused + nervously for a moment, and then said— + </p> + <p> + “Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga.” + </p> + <p> + The black ruffians took the hint and retired. + </p> + <p> + “Colonel and Mrs. Jowler,” said I solemnly, “we are alone; and you, Miss + Jowler, you are alone too; that is—I mean—I take this + opportunity to—(another glass of ale, if you please)—to + express, once for all, before departing on a dangerous campaign”—(Julia + turned pale)—“before entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch + in the dust my high-raised hopes and me, to express my hopes while life + still remains to me, and to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and + Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia!” The Colonel, astonished, let fall + a steel fork, which stuck quivering for some minutes in the calf of my + leg; but I heeded not the paltry interruption. “Yes, by yon bright + heaven,” continued I, “I love you, Julia! I respect my commander, I esteem + your excellent and beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may + hope for a return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do + such deeds in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of your + Gahagan.” + </p> + <p> + The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, snapped, and + ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was now red, now white; + the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg, + wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had remarked by his + side. + </p> + <p> + “A cornet!” said he, in a voice choking with emotion; “a pitiful, beggarly + Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler! Gag, Gahagan, are you + mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man—at these + letters, I say—one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every part + of India (not including one from the Governor-General, and six from his + brother, Colonel Wellesley,)—one hundred and twenty-four proposals + for the hand of Miss Jowler! Cornet Gahagan,” he continued, “I wish to + think well of you: you are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the + handsomest man in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee. You ask + me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!”—(Here the old + rogue grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).—“No, no,” said he, + waxing good-natured; “Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense! Julia, love, retire + with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe + with me.” + </p> + <p> + I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I am not going to give here an account of my military services; they will + appear in my great national autobiography, in forty volumes, which I am + now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in all Wellesley's + brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk, I travelled across the country + north-eastward, and had the honor of fighting by the side of Lord Lake at + Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore: but I will not + boast of my actions—the military man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN + appreciates them. If asked who was the bravest man of the Indian army, + there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry at once, + GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate: I cared not for life, deprived of + Julia Jowler. + </p> + <p> + With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern refusal + in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, again to seek + her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen months on service, + marching and countermarching, and fighting almost every other day: to the + world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the face, and not the + seared and blighted heart within me. My valor, always desperate, now + reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my grooms and grass-cutters for + the most trifling offence or error,—I never in action spared a man,—I + sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of that single + campaign. + </p> + <p> + Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor old + Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he received a parcel + of letters from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her daughter), + and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that he ordered + eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within two days; but it was + against the blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows, in the + heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather + roughly with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they used to + pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, to flog + them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on. Jowler, when + he heard of these proceedings, which before had always justly exasperated + him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now to smile fiercely and + say, “D—- the black scoundrels! Serve them right, serve them right!” + </p> + <p> + One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had been on a + foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably to camp, + when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a neighboring + mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in an instant three of my men's + saddles were empty, and I was left with but seven more to make head + against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen. I never saw in + my life a nobler figure than the leader of the troop—mounted on a + splendid black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he wore a + steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful French carbine, + which had already done execution upon two of my men. I saw that our only + chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man. I shouted to him in a + voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of course), “Stop, dog, if you + dare, and encounter a man!” + </p> + <p> + In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and mortally + transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. Grinding my teeth and + swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed its blow,* + and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, his own sword + making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry of + battle. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go + out with small-swords—miserable weapons only fit for + tailors.—G. O'G. G. +</pre> + <p> + The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut off his + sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head. I said that he + wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of + chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered “ST. GEORGE;” my sword + caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, cut crashing + through the steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby which he + wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean in two between the eyebrows + and nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side on each + shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my men, who + were not a little amused at the feat. + </p> + <p> + As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their leader's + fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we made a single + prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler. + </p> + <p> + We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said it was + Chowder Loll. + </p> + <p> + “Chowder Loll!” shrieked Colonel Jowler. “O fate! thy hand is here!” He + rushed wildly into his tent—the next day applied for leave of + absence. Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for + some time. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General Lake + sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley received me + with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at + Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blushing, + thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side! + </p> + <p> + Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my former + passages with his daughter. “Gagy my boy,” says he, shaking hands, “glad + to see you. Old friend, Julia—come to tiffin—Hodgson's pale—brave + fellow Gagy.” Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, and fixed + upon me her awful eyes! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent + words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said, “Come!” Need I say + I went? + </p> + <p> + I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I know, + that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had been: and that in + three weeks I—yes, I—was the accepted lover of Julia! I did + not pause to ask where were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I, + refused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I loved her, and + was happy! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a lover's + pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of palaces until I + came to the house which contained my Julia. I peeped into the compound—all + was still; I looked into the veranda—all was dark, except a light—yes, + one light—and it was in Julia's chamber! My heart throbbed almost to + stilling. I would—I WOULD advance, if but to gaze upon her for a + moment, and to bless her as she slept. I DID look, I DID advance; and, O + heaven! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress, with a very dark + baby in her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an ayah, who was nursing + another. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mamma,” said Julia, “what would that fool Gahagan say if he knew + all?” + </p> + <p> + “HE DOES KNOW ALL!” shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down the + tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia + fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their d——d + nurse fell on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindustanee. Old + Jowler at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword. + </p> + <p> + “Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!” shouted I. “Turn, ruffian, and defend + yourself!” But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked at his + lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room. + </p> + <p> + Why continue the tale? I need not now account for Jowler's gloom on + receiving his letters from Benares—for his exclamation upon the + death of the Indian chief—for his desire to marry his daughter: the + woman I was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. Chowder + Loll! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> + <h3> + ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE. + </h3> + <p> + I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of some + of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have endeavored + to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I + make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or good feeling, to steal + from me that which is my sole wealth—my character as a teller of THE + TRUTH. + </p> + <p> + The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures of a + profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists, none (luckily + for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of my statements: they + know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON. If I can use the pen, I can + also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, and would answer their + contradictions with my sword! No gold or gems adorn the hilt of that + war-worn scimitar; but there is blood upon the blade—the blood of + the enemies of my country, and the maligners of my honest fame. There are + others, however—the disgrace of a disgraceful trade—who, + borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have ventured to assail me. + The infamous editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay Beacon, the + Tipperary Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other dastardly organs + of the provincial press, have, although differing in politics, agreed upon + this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity, vented a flood of abuse + upon the revelations made by me. + </p> + <p> + They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully perverted + history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, was any one of + these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any single conductor of any one + of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country? Does + this EXQUISITE Tipperary scribe know the difference between Hurrygurrybang + and Burrumtollah? Not he! and because, forsooth, in those strange and + distant lands strange circumstances have taken place, it is insinuated + that the relater is a liar: nay, that the very places themselves have no + existence but in my imagination. Fools!—but I will not waste my + anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions of my personal + history. + </p> + <p> + It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will not + venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against + Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna, where + he exercised that brilliant little army which was speedily to perform such + wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give a slight account of the + causes of a war which was speedily to rage through some of the fairest + portions of the Indian continent. + </p> + <p> + Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line of + Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had wellnigh hurled + Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of Bagdad)—Shah Allum, + I say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was in reality the slave + of the various warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over the country + and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some more successful + rebel. Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scindiah, and + the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a time complete + mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan soldier, had + abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it until he had + seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes of the + last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came to the rescue of + the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed his oppressor, only + increased his slavery; holding him in as painful a bondage as he had + suffered under the tyrannous Afghan. + </p> + <p> + As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long rather + as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, the British + Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no means + interfered in the contest. But the French Revolution broke out, and a host + of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian States, + seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds of the various + native princes against the British East India Company. A number of these + entered into Scindiah's ranks: one of them, Perron, was commander of his + army; and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in his hereditary + quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of an invasion of the + British territory, the Company all of a sudden discovered that Shah Allum, + his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and determined to re-establish the + ancient splendor of his throne. + </p> + <p> + Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that prompted our + governors to take these kindly measures in his favor. I don't know how it + happened that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit better + off than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten, and Scindiah + annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a puppet as before. Somehow, in the + hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster remained with the British + Government, who had so kindly offered to dress it for the Emperor, while + his Majesty was obliged to be contented with the shell. + </p> + <p> + The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of the + Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of cavalry and + twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by General Lake in + person. + </p> + <p> + Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur; on the + fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name was mentioned in + general orders, I may as well quote the Commander-in-Chief's words + regarding me—they will spare me the trouble of composing my own + eulogium:— + </p> + <p> + “The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high sense + of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the —— cavalry. In + the storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single ladder, + and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in + escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. Fourteen ditches + lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls + bristling with innumerable artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses, + were in turn triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His course + was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies lying thick upon the + platforms; and alas! by the corpses of most of the gallant men who + followed him!—when at length he effected his lodgment, and the + dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose upon + him the tigers and lions of Scindiah's menagerie. This meritorious officer + destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most ferocious + animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOR, + shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty Goss, + havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine hundred who + followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honor to them! honor and tears for the brave + men who perished on that awful day!” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of September + 24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to the statement, may + refer to the paper itself. + </p> + <p> + And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so marvellously + preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. Were I to say that + any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous combat, + the reader would laugh me to scorn. No: though my narrative is + extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and never, never would I + sacrifice truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this:—the + citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a thousand feet above + the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his + Excellency was good enough to remark in his despatch. A man who would + mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he + mounted them without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We HAD + scaling-ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was quite + impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. Mounted on + them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I saw that we + must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could be found for our + brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was about seventy feet high. I + instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and peppered the latter so + as to make, not a breach, but a scaling place; the men mounting in the + holes made by the shot. By this simple stratagem, I managed to pass each + successive barrier—for to ascend a wall which the General was + pleased to call “as smooth as glass” is an absurd impossibility: I seek to + achieve none such:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “I dare do all that may become a man, + Who dares do more, is neither more nor less.” + </pre> + <p> + Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one of us + would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it was owing to + fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery, + arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so difficult + as might be imagined—killing these fellows was sheer butchery. As + soon as we appeared, they all turned and fled helter-skelter, and the + reader may judge of their courage by the fact that out of about seven + hundred men killed by us, only forty had wounds in front, the rest being + bayoneted as they ran. + </p> + <p> + And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting out of + these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, the second + commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (conspicuous for a + tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we stormed + them, and running away the very first among the fugitives. He had all the + keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he opened the menagerie portal, + left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when the animals were + overcome. Runty Goss then opened them one by one, our troops entered, and + the victorious standard of my country floated on the walls of Allyghur! + </p> + <p> + When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line of + fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead rhinoceros on + which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. But the excitement which + had borne me through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day failed + all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder. + </p> + <p> + Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in the + power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds him in the + capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit was, therefore, + not very rich. His Excellency had a favorite horn snuff-box (for, though + exalted in station, he was in his habits most simple): of this, and about + a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, which he always took, he made + me a present, saying, in front of the line, “Accept this, Mr. Gahagan, as + a token of respect from the first to the bravest officer in the army.” + </p> + <p> + Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that fourpence + was about the value of this gift: but it has at least this good effect—it + serves to convince any person who doubts my story, that the facts of it + are really true. I have left it at the office of my publisher, along with + the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody may examine both by + applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.* That once popular + expression, or proverb, “are you up to snuff?” arose out of the above + circumstance; for the officers of my corps, none of whom, except myself, + had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me about this modest + reward for my labors. Never mind! when they want me to storm a fort AGAIN, + I shall know better. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at + Mr. Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a + newspaper, and does not QUITE prove that he killed a + rhinoceros and stormed fourteen intrenchments at the siege + of Allyghur. +</pre> + <p> + Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, Perron, + who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in to us, with his + family and treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements at + Chandernagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we now moved. + The morning of the 11th of September found us upon the plains of Delhi. + </p> + <p> + It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves after the + morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet along with + O'Gawler of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy's + neighborhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler and I were seated under a + little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed to shelter us from the + intolerable heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight a few + Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak, + refreshing sangaree. We had been playing cards the night before, and + O'Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of the + sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking, and + holding mine up, said, “Here's better luck to you next time, O'Gawler!” + </p> + <p> + As I spoke the words—whish!—a cannon-ball cut the tumbler + clean out of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach. It settled + him completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such + are the uncertainties of war! + </p> + <p> + To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements—to mount my Arab charger—to + drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree—and to gallop to + the General, was the work of a moment. I found him as comfortably at + tiffin as if he were at his own house in London. + </p> + <p> + “General,” said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent), “you + must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy.” + </p> + <p> + “The enemy—psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of the + river.” + </p> + <p> + “I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly carry + five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot dead at my side + with a cannon-ball.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! is it so?” said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the drumstick + of a grilled chicken. “Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of Europe are + upon us, and follow me!” + </p> + <p> + Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat; each + British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. We mounted + our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old General; I not the + last in the train, upon my famous black charger. + </p> + <p> + It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three miles + of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we galloped, we + were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line. + Nothing can better describe it than this:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ________________________________ + ................................. A + . + . + . + . +</pre> + <p> + —A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty + pieces of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, intrenched; + and a wide morass in his front gave him an additional security. + </p> + <p> + His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said, turning + round to one of his aides-de-camp, “Order up Major-General Tinkler and the + cavalry.” + </p> + <p> + “HERE, does your Excellency mean?” said the aide-de-camp, surprised, for + the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying about as + thick as peas. + </p> + <p> + “HERE, sir!” said the old General, stamping with his foot in a passion, + and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. In five minutes + we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part of + the cavalry had joined us. + </p> + <p> + Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the air, + their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden sunlight. + “And now we are here,” said Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler, “what + next?” “Oh, d—- it,” said the Commander-in-Chief, “charge, charge—nothing + like charging—galloping—guns—rascally black scoundrels—charge, + charge!” And then turning round to me (perhaps he was glad to change the + conversation), he said, “Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me.” + </p> + <p> + And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the battle WAS + GAINED BY ME. I do not mean to insult the reader by pretending that any + personal exertions of mine turned the day,—that I killed, for + instance, a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns,—such + absurd tales would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is well + known, never say a single word which cannot be proved, and hate more than + all other vices the absurd sin of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to + the General, at a quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day, + won this great triumph for the British army. + </p> + <p> + Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though somehow + they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General Lake, for the + victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree! and who, + forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand upon my + heart and say that I was. If any proof is wanting of the fact, let me give + it at once, and from the highest military testimony in the world—I + mean that of the Emperor Napoleon. + </p> + <p> + In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the “Prince Regent,” + Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage from Calcutta + to England. In company with the other officers on board the ship, I paid + my respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who received us in his + garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen dress and a large + broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his + son Emanuel, then a little boy; who I dare say does not recollect me, but + who nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels of my Hessian + boots during the whole of our interview with his Imperial Majesty. + </p> + <p> + Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by General + Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a bow to the + owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to mine. + The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands out of his + pockets, put them behind his back, and coming up to me smiling, pronounced + the following words:— + </p> + <p> + “Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?” + </p> + <p> + I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said—“Sire, c'est moi.” + </p> + <p> + “Parbleu! je le savais bien,” said the Emperor, holding out his snuff-box. + “En usez-vous, Major?” I took a large pinch (which, with the honor of + speaking to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes), and he + continued as nearly as possible in the following words:— + </p> + <p> + “Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third brother, the + Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade.” + </p> + <p> + Gahagan.—“Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your Majesty's + service stood under the green flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat + Wellington back. It was the only time, as your Majesty knows, that + Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war.” + </p> + <p> + Napoleon (looking as if he would say, “D—- your candor, Major + Gahagan”).—“Well, well; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and + died a General in my service.” + </p> + <p> + Gahagan.—“He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty + Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan mark.” + </p> + <p> + Napoleon (to Montholon).—“C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma + parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que c'est vrai. Ils ne sont pas d'autres, + ces terribles Ga'gans. You must know that Monsieur gained the battle of + Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. In this way:—Ce + belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and placing them in + front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la plaine, was for charging + the enemy's batteries with his horse, who would have been ecrases, + mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the cunning of ce grand rogue que + vous voyez.” + </p> + <p> + Montholon.—“Coquin de Major, va!” + </p> + <p> + Napoleon.—“Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great + bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which he had + brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would infallibly + have done so—and the loss of his army would have been the ruin of + the East India Company—and the ruin of the English East India + Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a republic then!) in + the East—but that the man before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was + riding at the side of General Lake.” + </p> + <p> + Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).—“Gredin! cent mille + tonnerres de Dieu!” + </p> + <p> + Napoleon (benignantly).—“Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will you? + It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, or rather + slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a + retreat.” + </p> + <p> + Montholon. “Le lache! Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule jamais.” + </p> + <p> + Napoleon.—“STUPIDE! Don't you see WHY the retreat was ordered?—don't + you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from + his impregnable intrenchments? Don't you know that the ignorant Indian + fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of his guns, came + down with his cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons? + Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of the + north swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their guns, which + were useless, entered Holkar's intrenchments along with his troops, sabred + the artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of Delhi!” + </p> + <p> + As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed fire, his + deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the enemy from beneath + the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the charge upon + the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud moment in my + life, but never such a proud one as this; and I would readily pardon the + word “coward,” as applied to me by Montholon, in consideration of the + testimony which his master bore in my favor. + </p> + <p> + “Major,” said the Emperor to me in conclusion, “why had I not such a man + as you in my service? I would have made you a Prince and a Marshal!” and + here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport. He + was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his fortunes; and + indeed I have very little doubt that I might. + </p> + <p> + Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, Napoleon's + valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, and talking upon + the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me deeply impressed + by the condescension he had shown in this remarkable interview. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> + <p> + A PEEP INTO SPAIN—ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE + AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS. + </p> + <p> + HEAD QUARTERS, MORELLA, Sept. 16, 1838. + </p> + <p> + I have been here for some months, along with my young friend Cabrera: and + in the hurry and bustle of war—daily on guard and in the batteries + for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe wounds and + seven musket-balls in my body—it may be imagined that I have had + little time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter arma + silent leges—in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing! as the + poet says; and I never would have bothered myself with a pen, had not + common gratitude incited me to throw off a few pages. + </p> + <p> + Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this place, + there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor Emmett Fitzgerald + Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of Gray's Inn, and what he + called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with the Queen's + people, not in a military capacity, but as representative of an English + journal; to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit + of transmitting accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and his own + opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving, for the discharge of his + duty, a couple of guineas a week from the proprietors of the journal in + question, he was enabled, as I need scarcely say, to make such a show in + Oraa's camp as only a Christino general officer, or at the very least a + colonel of a regiment, can afford to keep up. + </p> + <p> + In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of course + among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a good deal of + slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to describe + here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, which had been made the + head-quarters of several Queenite officers during the siege. The pesatero + or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave chapel-churies, + with his fine family of children—the officers quartered in the + podesta had of course bolted; but one man remained, and my fellows were on + the point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios, + when I arrived in the room time enough to prevent the catastrophe. Seeing + before me an individual in the costume of a civilian—a white hat, a + light blue satin cravat, embroidered with butterflies and other + quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue plaid + trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and interposed to save his + life. + </p> + <p> + In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he could + to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of slaughtering + him; but it is very little likely that his protestations would have had + any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the + ruffians to hold their hand. + </p> + <p> + Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that rank + in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six feet four in + height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called, because + it is five feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish armies—seeing, + I say, this figure, the fellows retired, exclaiming, “Adios, corpo di + bacco, nosotros,” and so on, clearly proving (by their words) that they + would, if they dared, have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued + from their fury. “Villains!” shouted I, hearing them grumble, “away! quit + the apartment!” Each man, sulkily sheathing his sombrero, obeyed, and + quitted the camarilla. + </p> + <p> + It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I have + briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he had a family + in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and that his most + intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven and earth to + revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a portmanteau passably well + filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my troops. I said, + though with much regret, that I must subject his person to a search; and + hence arose the circumstance which has called for what I fear you will + consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon Mr. Sheeny's person + three sovereigns in English money (which I have to this day), and + singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine, containing a portion + of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should let the poor young man + be shot or no, but this little circumstance saved his life. The gratified + vanity of authorship induced me to accept his portmanteau and valuables, + and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I put the Magazine in my + coat-pocket, and left him and the podesta. + </p> + <p> + The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full time + for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after committing + dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon the fort, + hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known and + respected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served for some + months on the Queen's side before I came over to Don Carlos); and, as it + is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect to receive it when taken + myself. On issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau and my sword + in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our own men in a + pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about four hundred + yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while on my left hand, + and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite lancers were + clattering along the road. + </p> + <p> + I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this discovery, + so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz! came a bullet by my + left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round—there + were seventy of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I said, + a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight seventy men, you + would write me down a fool or a liar: no, sir, I did not fight, I ran + away. + </p> + <p> + I am six feet four—my figure is as well known in the Spanish army as + that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera himself. + “GAHAGAN!” shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices, and fifty more + shots came rattling after me. I was running—running as the brave + stag before the hounds—running as I have done a great number of + times before in my life, when there was no help for it but a race. + </p> + <p> + After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained nearly + three upon our column in front, and that likewise the Christino horsemen + were left behind some hundred yards more; with the exception of three, who + were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a lance; he had + fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty yards in advance of his + comrades; there was a similar distance between the two lancers who rode + behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came up + delivered cut 3 at his horse's near leg—off it flew, and down, as I + expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through + my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that + fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the plan + which I hoped was to effect my rescue. + </p> + <p> + I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and, + unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained—some + shirts, a bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c.,—I + had carried it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to + sacrifice it malgre moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my + right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, with aim so true, that + he fell back on his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse galloped + up to me, I had no difficulty in dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle + struck him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash him + from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment; + indeed, the two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the time + which it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the + rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's horse, I + had committed a very absurd oversight—I was scampering away WITHOUT + MY SWORD! What was I to do?—to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to + the legs of my horse for safety! + </p> + <p> + The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear his + horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey-fashion in my + saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in vain. + Closer—closer—the point of his lance was within two feet of my + back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my agony when I felt it + enter—through exactly fifty-nine pages of the New Monthly Magazine. + Had it not been for that Magazine, I should have been impaled without a + shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in feeling gratitude? Had I not cause to + continue my contributions to that periodical? + </p> + <p> + When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying party, I + was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of the + lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a ball + came whiz over my head from our fellows, and entering at his nose, put a + stop to HIS lancing for the future). I hastened to Cabrera's quarter, and + related to him some of my adventures during the day. + </p> + <p> + “But, General,” said he, “you are standing. I beg you chiudete l'uscio + (take a chair).” + </p> + <p> + I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some + foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my sitting at + ease. I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and there, to my wonder, + DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like a fish-hook, or a pastoral + crook. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! ha!” said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag). + </p> + <p> + “Valdepenas madrilenos,” growled out Tristany. + </p> + <p> + “By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman),” shrieked out + Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, “I will send it to the Bishop of + Leon for a crozier.” + </p> + <p> + “Gahagan has CONSECRATED it,” giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so they went + on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But, when they heard that the + means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly Christino had been + the Magazine containing my own history, their laugh was changed into + wonder. I read them (speaking Spanish more fluently than English) every + word of my story. “But how is this?” said Cabrera. “You surely have other + adventures to relate?” + </p> + <p> + “Excellent Sir,” said I, “I have;” and that very evening, as we sat over + our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in nearly the + following words:— + </p> + <p> + “I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, as + everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. But who + gained the battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and + Laswaree, while Major Gaha—nonsense, never mind HIM, never mind the + charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in the + mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes; when, + with one hand seizing the sacred peishcush, or fish—which was the + banner always borne before Scindiah,—he, with his good sword, cut + off the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony, + plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren, + tossing, like chaff before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He, + meanwhile, now plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now + cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on, + like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand, a + hundred and forty-thr—but never mind—'ALONE HE DID IT;' + sufficient be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he cares not + for the empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate men! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic + reader may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his + Commentary on the Flight of Darius), is so called by the + Mahrattas. +</pre> + <p> + “We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah Allum + received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on our General. + As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah did not fail to remark + my person,* and was told my name. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part. + Shah Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have + seen Gahagan? The thing is manifestly impossible. +</pre> + <p> + “Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so delighted + with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose trunk I use to + this day), that he said, 'Let him be called GUJPUTI,' or the lord of + elephants; and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards familiarly + known among the natives,—the men, that is. The women had a softer + appellation for me, and called me 'Mushook,' or charmer. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to the + reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from Delhi; nor the + terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice it to + say that we were victorious, and that I was wounded; as I have invariably + been in the two hundred and four occasions when I have found myself in + action. One point, however, became in the course of this campaign QUITE + evident—THAT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE FOR GAHAGAN. The country cried + shame, the King's troops grumbled, the sepoys openly murmured that their + Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed such signal services. + What was to be done? Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary. 'Gahagan,' + wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently not your fate—YOU WERE + BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley are good officers, they + cannot be turned out—I must make a post for you. What say you, my + dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?' + </p> + <p> + “It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had its + origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long be + remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the uniform of + the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were not wanting as soon + as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my standard a great + deal faster than to the regular corps in the Company's service. I had + European officers, of course, to command them, and a few of my countrymen + as sergeants; the rest were all natives, whom I chose of the strongest and + bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and + Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most warlike districts of + our Indian territory. + </p> + <p> + “When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble + appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance, gave a + carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid costume that + ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six feet + four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and proportion. My hair + and beard are of the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely to be + distinguished at a distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue, + overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific + gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid, and + the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly military + appearance than can be conceived. When I have been drinking (as is pretty + often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have another which + took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of my front teeth, I + leave you to imagine that 'seldom lighted on the earth' (as the monster + Burke remarked of one of his unhappy victims), 'a more extraordinary + vision.' I improved these natural advantages; and, while in cantonment + during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to grow very long, + as did my beard, which reached to my waist. It took me two hours daily to + curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw ringlets, which waved over + my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well round to the corners of my + eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and red morocco boots, a + scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color round my waist; a scarlet + turban three feet high, and decorated with a tuft of the scarlet feathers + of the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and I did not allow myself a single + ornament, except a small silver skull and crossbones in front of my + turban. Two brace of pistols, a Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both + sides, and very nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant costume. + My two flags were each surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones, and + ornamented, one with a black, and the other with a red beard (of enormous + length, taken from men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course + the arms of John Company; on the other, an image of myself bestriding a + prostrate elephant, with the simple word, 'Gujputi' written underneath in + the Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and + looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied the words + which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in Marlborough's + time:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'To noble danger he conducts the way, + His great example all his troop obey, + Before the front the Major sternly rides, + With such an air as Mars to battle strides. + Propitious heaven must sure a hero save + Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!' +</pre> + <p> + “My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger, + Pappendick, Stuffle, &c., &c.) were dressed exactly in the same + way, but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in black. I + have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the + Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view than any set of + ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would to heaven that the Czar of + Muscovy had passed through Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old + Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him! Bless you, bless you, my + swart companions in victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the + booming of your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye rage + in the thickest of the battle!* + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to + pretend that my genius as a writer has not been equalled in + former times; but if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe, + or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful + sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is + all—I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO HIM.——G. O'G. G., + M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. +</pre> + <p> + “But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a figure the + Irregulars cut on a field-day—a line of five hundred black-faced, + black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men—Biggs, Glogger, and + the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of + lightning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, like yon + glorious orb in heaven. + </p> + <p> + “There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's sudden + and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when we thought + that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg had + completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he broke up his camp at + Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard of him was, that he was + at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam—he was, in fact, in + the very heart of our territory. + </p> + <p> + “The unfortunate part of the affair was this:—His Excellency, + despising the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about two + thousand miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest degree where to + lay hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew, + and for a considerable period the movements of Lake's cavalry were quite + ambiguous, uncertain, promiscuous, and undetermined. + </p> + <p> + “Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804. At the + beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, cutting + off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under lip), and I was + obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired for + my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur—it + is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have + there a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon + and the sticking-plaster. + </p> + <p> + “Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the lower + Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is fortified + slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, meaning in Hindoostanee + 'the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced-Feringhees-near + the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram') occupied by Europeans. (It is + astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, and how much + can be conveyed in one or two of the commonest phrases.) + </p> + <p> + “Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks with + Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner of health at + Futtyghur. + </p> + <p> + “An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The cantonment at + Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy slave. + Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety! The fact is, that + when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army all + congregated to this place, where they were left, as it was supposed, in + safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of all. I may + at least mention SOME whose memory is still most dear to me. There was— + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Bulcher. + </p> + <p> + “Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in large + capitals.) + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan. + </p> + <p> + “The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more too + numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, collected there, + and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were, 'Gahagan, I + commit those women to your charge. Guard them with your life, watch over + them with your honor, defend them with the matchless power of your + indomitable arm.' + </p> + <p> + “Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty air of + the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has often ere + this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of a + hill—the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at its base; and no + spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both by art + and nature, as a favorite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher, + Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies above mentioned, had + each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and between + one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as can the hours of + any man who is away from his darling occupation of war. + </p> + <p> + “I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant pettah, + defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp, and + a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my flag was planted, and the + small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in the + case-mates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there were besides three + reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, who lived in the town,) completed, + as I may say, the garrison of our little fortalice, which I was left to + defend and to command. + </p> + <p> + “On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had invited + Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and, + indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in honor of + the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting season, and + indeed as a farewell visit, for it was my intention to take dawk the very + next morning and return to my regiment. The three amateur missionaries + whom I have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very rigid + religious principles, refused to appear at my little party. They had + better never have been born than have done as they did: as you shall hear. + </p> + <p> + “We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of the + delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar kind, + which I had shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by every + lady and gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire on the + ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I was occupied, + as the French say, in conter-ing fleurettes to this sweet young creature, + when, all of a sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing through the air, and a + strong light was visible in the valley below the little fort. + </p> + <p> + “'What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda; 'this is too gallant.' + </p> + <p> + “'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, 'they are fireworks of which I + have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries—' + </p> + <p> + “'Look, look!' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my + arm: 'what do I see? yes—no—yes! it is—OUR BUNGALOW IS + IN FLAMES!' + </p> + <p> + “It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General was at + that moment seen a prey to the devouring element—another and another + succeeded it—seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the + name of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black midnight + air! + </p> + <p> + “I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the + conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of black + forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could observe + columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their ground + in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which the bungalows + were built! + </p> + <p> + “'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling Belinda clung + closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that encircled her waist), + 'down with the drawbridge! see that your masolgees' (small tumbrels which + are used in place of large artillery) 'be well loaded: you, sepoys, hasten + and man the ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the lights in the + embrasures! we shall have warm work of it to-night, or my name is not + Goliah Gahagan.' + </p> + <p> + “The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the sepoys, + choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the platform at the + sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the consternation, shrill the + screaming, occasioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and mute with + terror! the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither to fly for refuge. + 'Who are yonder ruffians?' said I. A hundred voices yelped in reply—some + said the Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, + and others declared it was Holkar—no one knew. + </p> + <p> + “'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to reconnoitre yonder + troops?' There was a dead pause. + </p> + <p> + “'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder army!' + again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that Scindiah and + Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared venture + to face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Abmednuggarees!' thought I. + </p> + <p> + “'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I see it—you are cowards—none of you + dare encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect: + know you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the morrow's + dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men against our + walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no hope; + death for us—and worse than death for these lovely ones assembled + here?' Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have heard the + jackals on a summer's evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both her + arms round me, and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket + rather, for the little witch could reach no higher). + </p> + <p> + “'Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, 'GO—GO—GOGGLE—IAH!' + </p> + <p> + “'My soul's adored!' replied I. + </p> + <p> + “'Swear to me one thing.' + </p> + <p> + “'I swear.' + </p> + <p> + “'That if—that if—the nasty, horrid, odious black + Mah-ra-a-a-attahs take the fort, you will put me out of their power.' + </p> + <p> + “I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that, rather + than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should perish by my own + hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, and + her elder sister, who had not until now known a word of our attachment, + (indeed, but for these extraordinary circumstances, it is probable that we + ourselves should never have discovered it,) were under these painful + circumstances made aware of my beloved Belinda's partiality for me. Having + communicated thus her wish of self-destruction, I thought her example a + touching and excellent one, and proposed to all the ladies that they + should follow it, and that at the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at + a signal given by me, they should one and all make away with themselves. + Fancy my disgust when, after making this proposition, not one of the + ladies chose to accede to it, and received it with the same chilling + denial that my former proposal to the garrison had met with. + </p> + <p> + “In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it, a + trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the sentinels came + running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate with a + flag of truce! + </p> + <p> + “I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the party, + whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the point of my + sword a scroll, of which the following is a translation:— + </p> + <p> + “'TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI. + </p> + <p> + “'LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,—I have the honor to inform you that I + arrived before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry + under my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in + Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the painful + necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs), and seven English + officers, whom I found in the village; the women have been transferred to + safe keeping in the harems of my officers and myself. + </p> + <p> + “'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you will + surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general (hookahbadar) + in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your assent, I beg leave to + state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on taking it, shall put + to death every male in the garrison, and every female above twenty years + of age. For yourself I shall reserve a punishment, which for novelty and + exquisite torture has, I flatter myself, hardly ever been exceeded. + Awaiting the favor of a reply, I am, Sir, + </p> + <p> + “'Your very obedient servant, + </p> + <p> + “'JESWUNT ROW HOLKAR. + </p> + <p> + “'CAMP BEFORE FUTTYGHUR, Sept. 1, 1804. + </p> + <p> + “'R. S. V. P.' + </p> + <p> + “The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing how + Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an enormous Pitan + soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape, round which his + turban wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock, and whistling + a national melody. I read the letter, and saw at once there was no time to + be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to Holkar. Were he to + attack us now before we were prepared, the fort would be his in half an + hour. + </p> + <p> + “Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the gate and + advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the little bridge + across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the fashion of the + country, and, as he bent forward to return the compliment, I am sorry to + say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head, which + deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him within the wall, + raising the drawbridge after me. + </p> + <p> + “I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I + stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes, and, + putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the enemy.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest of the + staff, were sound asleep! What I did in my reconnaisance, and how I + defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of telling on + another occasion. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> + <h3> + THE INDIAN CAMP—THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT. + </h3> + <p> + HEAD-QUARTERS, MORELLA, Oct. 3, 1838. + </p> + <p> + It is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, and the + cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my + casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The laugh and song + pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the elegant + form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears of the + Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of Riego's hymn, which + is ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos + Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of + our little fortalice; the large casements are open—the wind, as it + enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the orange grove + and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant cedar-tree) + flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses its scent and + burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I write—meet + implements for a soldier's authorship!—it is CARTRIDGE paper over + which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder forms my + rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me, all—all is + peace! I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, England! and muse + over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early days! Let me resume my + narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the authoritative summons of + war) I paused on the last occasion. + </p> + <p> + I left off, I think—(for I am a thousand miles away from + proof-sheets as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must + contradict myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)—I + think, I say, that I left off at that period of my story, when, Holkar + being before Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I had just been + compelled to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in the fallen + Indian's accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre the force, and, if + possible, to learn the intentions of the enemy. However much my figure + might have resembled that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might + have deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to + plunge, it was evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn + beard would have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army. + Seizing, then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my + hands, and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made my hair + and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and chain hood covered + likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence, + and a complete command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from + Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous + ordeal. + </p> + <p> + I had not the word of the night, it is true—but I trusted to good + fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing the flag + of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of hundred yards, + when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just overcome, + trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, and no sooner + did he see me than, dismounting from his own horse, and giving the rein to + a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger; a second fellow + likewise dismounted and followed the first; one held the bridle of the + horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams, aleikums, and other + genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and kneeling, waited until I + should mount. + </p> + <p> + I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was a + great man—that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air, + gathered up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked + saddle. “Buk, buk,” said I. “It is good. In the name of the forty-nine + Imaums, let us ride on.” And the whole party set off at a brisk trot, I + keeping silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was + about to encounter. + </p> + <p> + As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual + silence (for I suppose, I—that is the Indian—was a talkative + officer). “The lips of the Bahawder are closed,” said one. “Where are + those birds of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned + between the golden bars of his teeth!” + </p> + <p> + “Kush,” said his companion, “be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen the + dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword + reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion who can wear the + papooshes of the elephant-slayer—it is Bobbachy Bahawder!” + </p> + <p> + “You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the words of + the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his thoughts.” + </p> + <p> + “Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young birds, his actions, be strong + and swift in flight.” + </p> + <p> + “May they DIGEST IRON!” said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a wag in + his way. + </p> + <p> + “O-ho!” thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. “It was, then, + the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and he is the man + destined to stand in my slippers, is he?” and I was at that very moment + standing in his own! Such are the chances and changes that fall to the lot + of the soldier! + </p> + <p> + I suppose everybody—everybody who has been in India, at least—has + heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two + Hindustanee words—bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He had + entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, by his + merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity of the + peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen of the first class; + he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's innumerable daughters: a + match which, according to the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of honor + than of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the field, it + was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive, completely + subjugated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of importance the + late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears, + (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash in his attack + upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate Pitan to + reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I learned from the + attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found out, an old favorite with + the Bobbachy—doubtless on account of his honesty and love of + repartee. + </p> + <p> + “The Bahawder's lips are closed,” said he, at last, trotting up to me; + “has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?” + </p> + <p> + “Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah,” said I; which means, “My good friend, + what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and fills my bosom + with the darkest forebodings.” + </p> + <p> + “You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your dagger?” + </p> + <p> + [Here was a pretty conspiracy!] “No, I saw him, but not alone; his people + were always with him.” + </p> + <p> + “Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree + (whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon every + man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a dozen men in + the garrison, and they have not provision for two days—they must + yield; and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I am told the + soldiers who first get in are to have their pick. How my old woman, Rotee + Muckun, will be surprised when I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,—ha! + ha!” + </p> + <p> + “Fool!” said I, “be still!—twelve men in the garrison! there are + twelve hundred! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and as for + food, I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing in the + court-yard as I entered.” This WAS a bouncer, I confess; but my object was + to deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possible of + the capabilities of defence which the besieged had. + </p> + <p> + “Pooch, pooch,” murmured the men; “it is a wonder of a fortress: we shall + never be able to take it until our guns come up.” + </p> + <p> + There was hope then! they had no battering-train. Ere this arrived, I + trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and march down to rescue + us. Thus occupied in thought and conversation, we rode on until the + advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word, and we + passed on into the centre of Holkar's camp. + </p> + <p> + It was a strange—a stirring sight! The camp-fires were lighted; and + round them—eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of + the dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some Dhol Baut (or + Indian improvisatore) were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and + horses were picketed under the banyan-trees, on which the ripe mango fruit + was growing, and offered them an excellent food. Towards the spot which + the golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the + tent of Holkar, led an immense avenue—of elephants! the finest + street, indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on + its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian + matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the + grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with + pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, which grow + luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We passed down this extraordinary + avenue—no less than three hundred and eighty-eight tails did I count + on each side—each tail appertaining to an elephant twenty-five feet + high—each elephant having a two-storied castle on its back—each + castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve men that formed + its garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof—each roof bearing a + flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the crescent glittering with a + thousand gems, and round it the imperial standard,—each standard of + silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the well-known device of Holkar, + argent an or gules, between a sinople of the first, a chevron, truncated, + wavy. I took nine of these myself in the course of a very short time + after, and shall be happy, when I come to England, to show them to any + gentleman who has a curiosity that way. Through this gorgeous scene our + little cavalcade passed, and at last we arrived at the quarters occupied + by Holkar. + </p> + <p> + That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round one of + the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and which he occupied + during the siege. When I entered the large room where he sat, I found him + in the midst of a council of war; his chief generals and viziers seated + round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common way with these black + fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner, supper, and bedtime. + There was such a cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard + before you—another piece of good luck for me—as it diminished + the chances of my detection. When, with the ordinary ceremonies, the + kitmatgars and consomahs had explained to the prince that Bobbachy + Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the universe (as the ignorant + heathens called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar immediately + summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on which he was seated + in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking off my slippers, + falling on my knees, and beating my head against the ground ninety-nine + times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and twenty feet through the + room, and then up the twenty steps which led to his maidaun—a silly, + painful, and disgusting ceremony, which can only be considered as a relic + of barbarian darkness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let + alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who goes to India, with the + prospect of entering the service of the native rajahs, to recollect my + advice and have them WELL-WADDED. + </p> + <p> + Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he + could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as I have + said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived within + speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of my + mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of + questions: “How many men are there in the fort?” said he; “how many women? + Is it victualled? Have they ammunition? Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the + commander? did you kill him?” + </p> + <p> + All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of + tobacco. + </p> + <p> + Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon my + honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could perceive + anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I + told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could with + regard to the fort. + </p> + <p> + “Sir” said I, “to answer your last question first—that dreadful + Gujputi I have seen—and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in + height; he can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred at + present in the compound, and swears that during the siege he will content + himself with only three a week): he has lost in battle his left eye; and + what is the consequence? O Ram Gunge” (O + thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning and-with-beard-as-black-as-night), + “Goliah Gujputi—NEVER SLEEPS!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world),” said the Prince Vizier, + Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee—“it's joking you are;”—and there + was a universal buzz through the room at the announcement of this bouncer. + </p> + <p> + “By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu,” said I, solemnly, (an + oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) “I swear that so it is: so + at least he told me, and I have good cause to know his power. Gujputi is + an enchanter: he is leagued with devils; he is invulnerable. Look,” said + I, unsheathing my dagger—and every eye turned instantly towards me—“thrice + did I stab him with this steel—in the back, once—twice right + through the heart; but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell + Holkar that the steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an injury + upon him.” + </p> + <p> + I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this + somewhat imprudent message. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, lily-livered rogue!” shouted he out to me, “milk-blooded unbeliever! + pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy master in thy presence! + In the name of the prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade + thee! Take that, thou liar of the universe! and that—and that—and + that!” + </p> + <p> + Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this old man + said, “Take that,” he flung some article near him at the head of the + undaunted Gahagan—his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly + ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred + thousand crores of rupees—finally, his hookah, snake mouthpiece, + silver-bell, chillum and all—which went hissing over my head, and + flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand Vizier. + </p> + <p> + “Yock muzzee! my nose is off;” said the old man, mildly. “Will you have my + life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!” and no other word of complaint + escaped his lips. + </p> + <p> + Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as the + ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar fiercely + but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or two of the + musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not a + single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the unlucky + wretches who had been the victims of this fit of rage had been removed, + Holkar's good humor somewhat returned, and he allowed me to continue my + account of the fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his + burst of impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of + impoliteness to have done for such accidents happened many times in the + day. + </p> + <p> + “It is well that the Bobbachy has returned,” snuffled out the poor Grand + Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary means of + defence possessed by the garrison. “Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for + this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we had + sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the edge of the sword.” + </p> + <p> + “But you have no battering train,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to blow + the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!” said Loll Mahommed, a general + of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and contradicted, therefore, + every word I said. “In the name of Juggernaut, why wait for the heavy + artillery? Have we not swords? Have we not hearts? Mashallah! Let cravens + stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed! + Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah?” * and drawing his scimitar, he + waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was repeated + by many of the other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was carried into + the camp, and caught up by the men; the camels began to cry, the horses to + prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream, the + trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments. I never heard + such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little garrison when I + heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host! + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * The Major has put the most approved language into the + mouths of his Indian characters. Bismillah, Barikallah, and + so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of + Eastern conversation. +</pre> + <p> + There was but one way for it. “Sir,” said I, addressing Holkar, “go out + to-night and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has not seen the fort + as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what? to fall before the + fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate, and then + another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan's garrison in the citadel. + Who talks of courage? Were I not in your august presence, O star of the + faithful, I would crop Loll Mahommed's nose from his face, and wear his + ears as an ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here that knows not the + difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and Gahagan Khan Guj—I + mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight one, two, three, or twenty of + them, at broad-sword, small-sword, single-stick, with fists if you please. + By the holy piper, fighting is like mate and dthrink to Ga—to + Bobbachy, I mane—whoop! come on, you divvle, and I'll bate the skin + off your ugly bones.” + </p> + <p> + This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am agitated, I + involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to my own country; + which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as to my real + character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it was, Holkar + perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll Mahommed, + however, evidently suspected something, for, as Holkar, with a voice of + thunder, shouted out, “Tomasha (silence),” Loll sprang forward and gasped + out— + </p> + <p> + “My lord! my lord I this is not Bob—” + </p> + <p> + But he could say no more. “Gag the slave!” screamed out Holkar, stamping + with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the poor devil's jaws. + “Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred dozen on + the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry him round + the camp, with an inscription before him: 'This is the way that Holkar + rewards the talkative.'” + </p> + <p> + I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo falling on + Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, and thanked my + stars that I was delivered of this danger. + </p> + <p> + “Vizier,” said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, “I owe you a + reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince, O Saadut Alee Beg + Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut!” + </p> + <p> + The good old man's eyes filled with tears. “I can bear thy severity, O + Prince,” said he; “I cannot bear thy love. Was it not an honor that your + Highness did me just now when you condescended to pass over the bridge of + your slave's nose?” + </p> + <p> + The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The Vizier + retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed. Holkar was in high good + humor. + </p> + <p> + “Bobbachy,” said he, “thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, I have news for + thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge,” (white and red rose,) has + arrived in camp.” + </p> + <p> + “My WIFE, my lord!” said I, aghast. + </p> + <p> + “Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; I see thou art wild + with joy. The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and I know thou + longest to join her.” + </p> + <p> + My wife? Here was a complication truly! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE. + </h3> + <p> + I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at the + gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the + neighborhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before that time + and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the present instance + such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced when leading a + forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, some to + ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs, + attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the thousand delicacies of + Eastern life. I motioned them away. “I will wear my armor,” said I; “I + shall go forth to-night; carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve + that to-night I have not the time to see her. Spread me a couch here, and + bring me supper here: a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed + with pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid—anything. + Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when the meal is + ready.” + </p> + <p> + I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and hoped to be + able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her curious + eyes. After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell me that my + supper was prepared in the inner apartment of the tent (I suppose that the + reader, if he be possessed of the commonest intelligence, knows that the + tents of the Indian grandees are made of the finest Cashmere shawls, and + contain a dozen rooms at least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash-windows + complete). I entered, I say, into an inner chamber, and there began with + my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental fashion, taking, every now + and then, a pull from the wine-jar, which was cooling deliciously in + another jar of snow. + </p> + <p> + I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most savory + stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle of + feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung + open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon faces and + slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise. + </p> + <p> + The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her + attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the complexion + of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress + and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow chalk + drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which was further + ornamented by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted bright + red, and a large dab of the same color on her chin, showed she was not of + the Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith—and of a very high caste; you + could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously made up as to my + line of action. + </p> + <p> + The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they heard the + well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death to them to have + remained and looked in her face. The females ranged themselves round their + mistress, as she squatted down opposite to me. + </p> + <p> + “And is this,” said she, “a welcome, O Khan! after six months' absence, + for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world? Is this lamb, O + glutton! half so tender as thy spouse? Is this wine, O sot! half so sweet + as her looks?” + </p> + <p> + I saw the storm was brewing—her slaves, to whom she turned, kept up + a kind of chorus:— + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the faithless one!” cried they. “Oh, the rascal, the false one, who + has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the Khanum's!” + </p> + <p> + “A lamb is not so sweet as love,” said I gravely: “but a lamb has a good + temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman—but a wine-cup + has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!” and again I dipped my nose in the + soul-refreshing jar. + </p> + <p> + The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my repartees; + she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed + until I lost all patience. + </p> + <p> + “Retire, friends,” said I, “and leave me in peace.” + </p> + <p> + “Stir, on your peril!” cried the Khanum. + </p> + <p> + So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my pistols, + cocked them, and said, “O houris! these pistols contain each two balls: + the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me—but for you!—by + all the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment + longer in my presence!” This was enough; the ladies gave a shriek, and + skurried out of the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing. + </p> + <p> + Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather Bobbachy's wife, + sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which her lord had + displayed in her presence. I seized her hand and, gripping it close, + whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol:—“O Khanum, + listen and scream not; the moment you scream, you die!” She was completely + beaten: she turned as pale as a woman could in her situation, and said, + “Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb.” + </p> + <p> + “Woman,” said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which + had covered almost the whole of my face—“I AM NOT THY HUSBAND—I + am the slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!” + </p> + <p> + As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my + shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I formed + one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and I recommend + it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next “Book of Beauty.” + </p> + <p> + “Wretch!” said she, “what wouldst thou?” + </p> + <p> + “You black-faced fiend,” said I, “raise but your voice, and you are dead!” + </p> + <p> + “And afterwards,” said she, “do you suppose that YOU can escape? The + torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will + invent for thee.” + </p> + <p> + “Tortures, madam?” answered I, coolly. “Fiddlesticks! You will neither + betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the contrary, you will + give me your best jewels and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don't grind + your teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam : you know this dress and these + arms;—they are the arms of your husband, Bobbachy Bahawder—MY + PRISONER. He now lies in yonder fort, and if I do not return before + daylight, at SUNRISE HE DIES: and then, when they send his corpse back to + Holkar, what will you, HIS WIDOW, do?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh!” said she, shuddering, “spare me, spare me!” + </p> + <p> + “I'll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of dying along + with him—of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death, from which + your father cannot save you, to which he will be the first man to condemn + and conduct you. Ha! I see we understand each other, and you will give me + over the cash-box and jewels.” And so saying I threw myself back with the + calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her. “Light me a + pipe, my love,” said I, “and then go and hand me over the dollars; do you + hear?” You see I had her in my power—up a tree, as the Americans + say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then departed for the + goods I spoke about. + </p> + <p> + What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take that ride + round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost. + </p> + <p> + My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards, had + occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned from her + quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables to the amount of + about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards, but have + the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about to take my departure, + when a tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard at the + entrance of the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed + Loll Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master restored to + good humor, and had communicated to him his firm conviction that I was an + impostor. + </p> + <p> + “Ho, Begum,” shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people could not + enter the women's apartments), “speak, O my daughter! is your husband + returned?” + </p> + <p> + “Speak, madam,” said I, “or REMEMBER THE ROASTING.” + </p> + <p> + “He is, papa,” said the Begum. + </p> + <p> + “Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!” (the old ruffian was laughing outside)—“are + you sure it is?—Ha! aha!—HE-E-E!” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to pass no + more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever seen the face of + any other man?” And hereat she began to weep as if her heart would break—the + deceitful minx! + </p> + <p> + Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury. “Oh, you liar and eternal + thief!” said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could only hear) to + Loll Mahommed, “to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this! + Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade him + from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property: and hark ye, + furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED DOZEN MORE!” + </p> + <p> + Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my soul. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the little + fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a veil, the + other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his form, who + carried in his hand a deal box of considerable size. The warrior at the + gate gave the word and was admitted, the woman returned slowly to the + Indian camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge; his was— + </p> + <p> + G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. <a name="link2HCH0009" + id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> + <h3> + FAMINE IN THE GARRISON. + </h3> + <p> + Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my precious + box into my own apartment, which communicated with another, where I had + left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should recover, and to + prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of the guard. I called + him, and the fellow came, looking very much confused and frightened, as it + seemed, at my appearance. + </p> + <p> + “Why, Ghorumsaug,” said I, “what makes thee look so pale, fellow?” (he was + as white as a sheet.) “It is thy master, dost thou not remember him?” The + man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's clothes, but was not present + when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have described. + </p> + <p> + “O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!” cried the faithful fellow, “and do I see + my dear master disguised in this way? For heaven's sake let me rid you of + this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the ball-room, if + the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with his roses turned + into coal?” + </p> + <p> + I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which I + write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little vain of my + personal appearance, and not very willing to appear before my dear Belinda + disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me of the + heathenish armor and habiliments which I wore; and having, with a world of + scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their black tinge, I + put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait on the ladies; + hastened, I say,—although delayed would have been the better word, + for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours. + </p> + <p> + “How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?” said I, before leaving my apartment. + </p> + <p> + “He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and + myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command) has + just been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure.” + </p> + <p> + I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my exultation + in taking it was so great that I could not help informing him of its + contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post near the prisoner, + while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the fair creatures + under my protection. “What good after all have I done,” thought I to + myself, “in this expedition which I had so rashly undertaken?” I had seen + the renowned Holkar, I had been in the heart of his camp; I knew the + disposition of his troops, that there were eleven thousand of them, and + that he only waited for his guns to make a regular attack on the fort. I + had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say ROBBED her, and I don't + care what the reader or any other man may think of the act) of a deal box, + containing jewels to the amount of three millions sterling, the property + of herself and husband. + </p> + <p> + Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money and + jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat a + fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her tea? + Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would digest + anything—(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a famine, + and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe, as well as + the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from either,)—could + I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a dish + of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of Croesus before me I + felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its weight in carats for a + good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, what art thou? What is + gold?—Soft metal. What are diamonds?—Shining tinsel. The great + wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the sole objects worthy of a + soldier's consideration, are beefsteaks, gunpowder, and cold iron. + </p> + <p> + The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own + apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with a + candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery (4 + long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for + grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assaye), and muskets for + ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the reader in a previous + number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon; add to these my + guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights, powder, + pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely for a dance, and + found themselves in for a siege). Such were our numbers:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Ladies 74 + Troops and artillerymen 40 + Other non-combatants 11 + MAJOR-GEN. O'G. GAHAGAN 1000 + —— + 1,125 +</pre> + <p> + I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the + army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an + ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths; as + combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort, against + Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if— + </p> + <p> + IF!—ay, there was the rub—IF we had SHOT, as well as powder + for our guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT. Of the former commodity we + had only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honor, + to feed 126 souls, we had but + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. + Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer. + Of soda-water, four ditto. + Two bottles of fine Spanish olives. + Raspberry cream—the remainder of two dishes. + Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle. + Half a drum of best Turkey figs. + Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust + of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins. + Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles + of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple + of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil. +</pre> + <p> + This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after supper had + seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried off from the + table; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on my + return, taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and treasure + what little sustenance still remained in it. + </p> + <p> + When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not + only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom, which was of + the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you never behold such a + sight as that which presented itself: eighty-three men and women in + ball-dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming over + their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged rouge, + blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins—each more desperately + melancholy and hideous than the other—each, except my beloved + Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl, could of + course never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it + may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous arms, + dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and therefore, as I need + not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder had come off. Joy (deft + link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes as I entered. As if I had + been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses mantled in her cheek! + Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened their fire upon me, and stunned + me with cross-questions, regarding my adventures in the camp—SHE, as + she saw me, gave a faint scream, (the sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled + through the throat of a woman!) then started up—then made as if she + would sit down—then moved backwards—then tottered forwards—then + tumbled into my—Psha! why recall, why attempt to describe that + delicious—that passionate greeting of two young hearts? What was the + surrounding crowd to US? What cared we for the sneers of the men, the + titters of the jealous women, the shrill “Upon my word!” of the elder Miss + Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda's mamma? The brave girl + loved me, and wept in my arms. “Goliah! my Goliah!” said she, “my brave, + my beautiful, THOU art returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh! who + can tell the anguish of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night!” + Other similar ejaculations of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD + perilled life in her service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there + was none, so exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all + else in this overwhelming joy! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + [The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very most + not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been + compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole passage, though + highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the + reader.] + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were + giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round with + a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can sometimes put + on, I shouted out, “Hark ye men and women—I am this lady's truest + knight—her husband I hope one day to be. I am commander, too, in + this fort—the enemy is without it; another word of mockery—another + glance of scorn—and, by heaven, I will hurl every man and woman from + the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar!” This quieted them. I am + a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from + that moment. + </p> + <p> + It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish. Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy + (whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who has + been in India) cried, “Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so + pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the + ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast.” And Mrs. Van giggled as + if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. “Oh! breakfast, + breakfast by all means,” said the rest; “we really are dying for a warm + cup of tea.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies?” says I. + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like,” said fat Mrs. Van. + </p> + <p> + “What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?” Of course they said it + was the very thing. + </p> + <p> + “And do you like hot rowls or cowld—muffins or crumpets—fresh + butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant + divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys, and + a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow,” answered they all. + </p> + <p> + “But stop,” says I. “O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, that you + should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been + without—” + </p> + <p> + “What?” said they, in a breath. + </p> + <p> + “Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole + house.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, we can do without it.” + </p> + <p> + “Or a single pound of coffee.” + </p> + <p> + “Never mind; let that pass too.” (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning to + look alarmed.) + </p> + <p> + “And about the kidneys—now I remember, the black divvles outside the + fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys + without them?” (Here there was a slight o—o—o!) + </p> + <p> + “And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the cows + are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or love: + but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just as + good.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! just as good.” + </p> + <p> + “Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had—no, + nor a fresh chicken,” continued I, “nor a stale one either; nor a + tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste in + life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!” + </p> + <p> + “In the name of heaven!” said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, “what is there, + then?” + </p> + <p> + “Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now,” shouted I. + “There's + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. + Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer,” &c. &c. &c. +</pre> + <p> + And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the + ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly. + </p> + <p> + “Law! Mr. Gahagan,” said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, “give me the + ham-sandwiches—I must manage to breakfast off them.” + </p> + <p> + And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest + proposition! Of course I did not accede to it—why should I? I was + the commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very + sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. “Ladies,” said I, + “there are in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this is all + the food which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none—of + drink there is a tolerable quantity; and at one o'clock punctually, a + glass of wine and one olive shall be served out to each woman: the men + will receive two glasses, and an olive and a fig—and this must be + your food during the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three + days; and if he be—why, still there is a chance—why do I say a + chance?—a CERTAINTY of escaping from the hands of these ruffians.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!” screeched the whole covey at + a breath. + </p> + <p> + “It lies,” answered I, “in the POWDER MAGAZINE. I will blow this fort, and + all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of Holkar.” + </p> + <p> + The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in Holkar's + camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear Belinda whispered + in my ear, “Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my heart's + Goliah!” I felt I was right: I could have blown her up twenty times for + the luxury of that single moment! “And now, ladies,” said I, “I must leave + you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer professional + consolation—the other gentlemen will follow me up stairs to the + ramparts, where I shall find plenty of work for them.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ESCAPE. + </h3> + <p> + Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey, and + they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded to review + my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in command of Lieutenant + Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may be seen in an + early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair of honor); and the prisoner + Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing to kill him, had + been left in charge of that officer. Three of the garrison (one of them a + man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body-servant, Ghorumsaug above + named,) were appointed to watch the captive by turns, and never leave him + out of their sight. The lieutenant was instructed to look to them and to + their prisoner, and as Bobbachy was severely injured by the blow which I + had given him, and was, moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly + with cords, I considered myself sure of his person. + </p> + <p> + Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little force, + and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not surprise me, as + I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but desirous to speak with + the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him, and ordered him to appear + immediately. + </p> + <p> + The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered some + information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten to the + apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined. + </p> + <p> + The men had fled;—Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my + astonishment when I found—with a rope cutting his naturally wide + mouth almost into his ears—with a dreadful sabre-cut across his + forehead—with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied between + his legs—my unhappy, my attached friend—Mortimer + Macgillicuddy! + </p> + <p> + He had been in this position for about three hours—it was the very + position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed—an + attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape + impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner. + </p> + <p> + I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured half a + bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his mouth, and + when he had been released, he informed me of the circumstances that had + taken place. + </p> + <p> + Fool that I was! idiot!—upon my return to the fort, to have been + anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple of hours + in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and complexion, + instead of going to examine my prisoner—when his escape would have + been prevented. O foppery, foppery!—it was that cursed love of + personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty to my general, my + country, my monarch, and my own honor! + </p> + <p> + Thus it was that the escape took place:—My own fellow of the + Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the operation to my + satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and + removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken from the back of the + prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?—Why, he + carried back the dress to the Bobbachy—he put it, once more, on its + right owner; he and his infernal black companions (who had been won over + by the Bobbachy with promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy, + who was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to + the outer gate, and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself, + who had first come in, and was as likely to go out again,—(indeed my + rascally valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him and + his two companions to reconnoitre,)—opened the gates, and off they + went! + </p> + <p> + This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!—and for + the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE ROUNDS;—he + HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this cruel way. The + three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been on the point of + escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I had changed the guard at the + gate (whom they had won over likewise); and yet, although they had + overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for the start, they had + positively no means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough to + put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice besotted fool that I was, to + think of my own silly person when I should have been occupied solely with + my public duty. + </p> + <p> + From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from the + effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him, and from my + own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. A sudden and + painful thought struck me—my precious box!—I rushed back, I + found that box—I have it still. Opening it, there, where I had left + ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, strings of diamonds as + big as ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda, countless + strings of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes—I + found—a piece of paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, + which are thus, word for word, translated: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “EPIGRAM. + + “(On disappointing a certain Major.) + + “The conquering Lion return'd with his prey, + And safe in his cavern he set it, + The sly little fox stole the booty away; + And, as he escaped, to the lion did say, + 'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'” + </pre> + <p> + Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. I + stamped,—I swore,—I don't know to what insane lengths my rage + might have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, + screaming, “The enemy, the enemy!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE CAPTIVE. + </h3> + <p> + It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving my + sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I at once + frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that + flamingo-plume floating in the breeze—that awful figure standing in + the breach—that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky—well, I + say, they knew the name of the humble individual who owned the sword, the + plume, and the figure. The ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry + behind. The flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, + violoncellos, and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a + strange, barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white + dromedaries, were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing + hosts the orders of Holkar. + </p> + <p> + You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does on a + rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the Burrumpooter river, + two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide, so that I + had no fear about them attacking me in THAT quarter. My guns, therefore + (with their six-and-thirty miserable charges of shot) were dragged round + to the point at which I conceived Holkar would be most likely to attack + me. I was in a situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times + as I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a cannon; so the + attacking party marched and marched, very strongly, about a mile and a + half off, the elephants marching without receiving the slightest damage + from us, until they had come to within four hundred yards of our walls + (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, through the betrayal of + the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never would have ventured so near). At + that distance—it was about the spot where the Futtyghur hill began + gradually to rise—the invading force stopped; the elephants drew up + in a line, at right angles with our wall (the fools! they thought they + should expose themselves too much by taking a position parallel to it); + the cavalry halted too, and—after the deuce's own flourish of + trumpets and banging of gongs, to be sure,—somebody, in a + flame-colored satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree + (that looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet), + got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a + speech. + </p> + <p> + The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable precision, + about three hundred of them. The following little diagram will explain + matters:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + __G + | + .................... | + E | + | + | + | F +</pre> + <p> + E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in the + fort. NOW the reader will see what I did. + </p> + <p> + The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro gracefully + before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun G + (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself; bang! + it went, and what was the consequence? Why, this:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + X + ____________________ |__G + .................... | + E | + | + | + | F +</pre> + <p> + F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the elephants, as we + have previously seen them. What then is X? X IS THE LINE TAKEN BY THE BALL + FIRED FROM G, which took off ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR elephants' + trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that stood + the hundred and thirty-fifth. + </p> + <p> + I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun was + never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, and + contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal? An ass + would have done it, prided himself had he hit his mark, and what would + have been the consequence? Why, that the ball might have killed two + elephants and wounded a third; but here, probably, it would have stopped, + and done no further mischief. The TRUNK was the place at which to aim; + there are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the bullet, + shearing, as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five probosces. + Heavens! what a howl there was when the shot took effect! What a sudden + stoppage of Holkar's speech! What a hideous snorting of elephants! What a + rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some demon was pursuing + them! + </p> + <p> + Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, rushing + forward myself, I shouted to my men, “My friends, yonder lies your + dinner!” We flung open the gates—we tore down to the spot where the + elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that escaped + to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their trunks + behind them. A great quantity of them we seized; and I myself, cutting up + with my scimitar a couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher would a + calf, motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort, where + barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of the miserable + allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had promised to my + female friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved for the ladies + was a young white one—the fattest and tenderest I ever ate, in my + life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber flavor, + which, until one is accustomed to it, is unpalatable. + </p> + <p> + It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence on the + works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had forced their way + into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the garrison larder, + with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine, which were + locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a sentinel. Disgusting + Mrs. Van! When I heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat HER. + However, we made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks, and + when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing that there was enough + for one meal more. + </p> + <p> + The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force, + attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my good + sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and the + rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy + sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when + another attack was made, what were we to do? We had still a little powder + left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron-bars, &c. in the + garrison! On this day, too, we devoured the last morsel of our food: I + shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw her + sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the little white + elephant's roasted tail. + </p> + <p> + The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are never + at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I discovered charges + sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but had + bores of about blunderbuss size. + </p> + <p> + This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader may + remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. The poor + wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and came + on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindustan jargon. Behind + him came troops of matchlock-men, who picked off every one of our men who + showed their noses above the ramparts: and a great host of blackamoors + with scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, + culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other appurtenances of + offensive war. + </p> + <p> + On they came: my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask how my + pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were without food, I + knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the two + guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into each swivel. + </p> + <p> + They advanced,—whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,—bang! + went the other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first contact + with an opposing body, they certainly floored it but they became at once + like so much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they + struck down. + </p> + <p> + “Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine Imaums!)” + shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the failure of my + shot. “Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has no more ammunition. A + hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who brings me Gahagan's head!” + </p> + <p> + His men set up a shout, and rushed forward—he, to do him justice, + was at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and poking them + with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the hill: I was black + with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair. + “Macgillicuddy,” said I, calling that faithful officer, “you know where + the barrels of powder are?” He did. “You know the use to make of them?” He + did. He grasped my hand. “Goliah,” said he, “farewell! I swear that the + fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried it. Oh, + my poor mother!” added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet fearless, he + retired to his post. + </p> + <p> + I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then, stepping + into the front, took down one of the swivels;—a shower of matchlock + balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them. + </p> + <p> + I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, and his + men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. Loll was straight + before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I fired—bang! ! ! + </p> + <p> + I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives were + lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. The wretch, + uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back + dead; the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran—the + whole host ran as one man: their screams might be heard for leagues. + “Tomasha, tomasha,” they cried, “it is enchantment!” Away they fled, and + the victory a third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back + to my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot + hunger in the thought of once more beholding HER! + </p> + <p> + The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, and + almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which caused in her + bosom an emotion so strong—it was hunger! “Oh! my Goliah,” whispered + she, “for three days I have not tasted food—I could not eat that + horrid elephant yesterday; but now—oh! heaven! . . . .” She could + say no more, but sank almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered to + her a trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a moment, and then + rushed down stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, she + should still have something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered + that three or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been + killed by us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought I, + has no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get + something better. + </p> + <p> + I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part, assembled. + “Men,” said I, “our larder is empty; we must fill it as we did the day + before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a foraging party?” I expected + that, as on former occasions, every man would offer to accompany me. + </p> + <p> + To my astonishment, not a soul moved—a murmur arose among the + troops; and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward. + </p> + <p> + “Captain,” he said, “it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants for + ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the fort when + the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now as then, and + we won't go elephant-hunting any more.” + </p> + <p> + “Ruffian!” I said, “he who first talks of surrender, dies!” and I cut him + down. “Is there any one else who wishes to speak?” + </p> + <p> + No one stirred. + </p> + <p> + “Cowards! miserable cowards!” shouted I; “what, you dare not move for fear + of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled before your + arms—what, do I say YOUR arms?—before MINE!—alone I did + it; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress! Ho! + open the gate!” + </p> + <p> + I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the elephants + that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had fallen, about + four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very + steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the animals, choosing a + tolerably small and plump one, of about thirteen feet high, which the + vultures had respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and made + for the fort. + </p> + <p> + As I marched up the acclivity, whiz—piff—whir! came the balls + over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the body of + the elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and + quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse: they came nearer, + nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort—seventy—fifty! + I strained every nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion—I ran—could + a man run very fast with such a tremendous weight on his shoulders? + </p> + <p> + Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my tail. + O heaven! five yards more—one moment—and I am saved! It is + done—I strain the last strain—I make the last step—I + fling forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me + and it, and—I fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE + OUTSIDE! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes—fifty + black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, “Stop!—kill him + not, it is Gujputi!” A film came over my eyes—exhausted nature would + bear no more. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <h3> + SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR. + </h3> + <p> + When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found myself in a + bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor + (whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an + air of sagacity. + </p> + <p> + “Where am I?” I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange faces, + and the strange apartment which met my view. “Bekhusm!” said the + apothecary. “Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of those who know his + valor, and will save his life.” + </p> + <p> + “Know my valor, slave? Of course you do,” said I; “but the fort—the + garrison—the elephant—Belinda, my love—my darling—Macgillicuddy—the + scoundrelly mutineers—the deal bo— . . . .” + </p> + <p> + I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily upon my + poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. I fainted + again, and I know not how long I lay insensible. + </p> + <p> + Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied restoratives, + and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much refreshed. I had no wound; + my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they might) by my + gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a + mile in length. Walking, the task is bad enough: but running, it is the + deuce; and I would recommend any of my readers who may be disposed to try + and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace of more + than five miles an hour. + </p> + <p> + Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door (plainly + indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single old gentleman, + richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I had surely + seen him before. No—yes—no—yes—it WAS he: the + snowy white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, and level + with the rest of the venerable face, proclaimed him at once to be—Saadut + Alee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime vizier; whose nose, as the reader may + recollect, his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my interview + with him in the Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too well—I + was in the hands of Holkar. + </p> + <p> + Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a mild air + of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he was torn to + pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference with + Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said, “Life and + death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceitful, valor is unavailing, + fame is only wind—the nightingale sings of the rose all night—where + is the rose in the morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by a frost. The + rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is that delightful + song-bird? Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, and roasted! Who + knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan Gujputi!” + </p> + <p> + “It is well,” said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. “Gahagan Gujputi + will bear it like a man.” + </p> + <p> + “No doubt—like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so + long to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which there + comes not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry spring-time—grief + is often succeeded by joy.” + </p> + <p> + “Interpret, O riddler!” said I; “Gahagan Khan is no reader of puzzles—no + prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords.” + </p> + <p> + “Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power.” + </p> + <p> + “I know it.” + </p> + <p> + “You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare say.” + </p> + <p> + “They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your fingers, + and your eyes from your head.” + </p> + <p> + “Very possibly.” + </p> + <p> + “They will flay you alive, and then burn you.” + </p> + <p> + “Well; they can't do any more.” + </p> + <p> + “They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,”—it was + not then taken!—“and repeat upon them the same tortures.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! Belinda! Speak—how can all this be avoided?” + </p> + <p> + “Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda.” + </p> + <p> + “He does, Vizier, to distraction.” + </p> + <p> + “Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?” + </p> + <p> + “A captain.” + </p> + <p> + “A miserable captain—oh shame! Of what creed is he?” + </p> + <p> + “I am an Irishman, and a Catholic.” + </p> + <p> + “But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?” + </p> + <p> + “Alas, no.” + </p> + <p> + “He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?” + </p> + <p> + “'Tis too true.” + </p> + <p> + “Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me to + thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife—your second wife, + that is;—the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves + you to madness;—with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have + the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to + get rid. You shall be second in command of his Highness's forces. Look, + here is his commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the + sacred names of the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce your + religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours.” + </p> + <p> + He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it was + beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years, but a + rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth, and washed off + every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and said, “This is a tempting + offer. O Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it?” + </p> + <p> + After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to give him + an answer. My mind, however, was made up—as soon as he was gone, I + threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were with + him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I did + not recognize. It was about midnight. + </p> + <p> + “Have you considered?” said the Vizier as he came to my couch. + </p> + <p> + “I have,” said I, sitting up,—I could not stand, for my legs were + tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. “I have,” said + I, “unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert a Christian + gentleman from his faith and honor? Ruffian blackamoors! do your worst; + heap tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear me to pieces: + after you have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall not feel + it; and if I did, if each torture could last a life, if each limb were to + feel the agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear all—all—all—all—all—ALL!” + My breast heaved—my form dilated—my eye flashed as I spoke + these words. “Tyrants!” said I, “dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.” + Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent. + </p> + <p> + The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down his + cheeks. + </p> + <p> + “What a constancy,” said he. “Oh, that such beauty and such bravery should + be doomed so soon to quit the earth!” + </p> + <p> + His tall companion only sneered and said, “AND BELINDA—?” + </p> + <p> + “Ha!” said I, “ruffian, be still!—heaven will protect her spotless + innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too! Who, with his + single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain + thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants? Three + hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of these I slew one hundred + and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates + thee, spurns thee, spits on thee!” + </p> + <p> + Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of rage, + and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once (it was the + very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward, and + seizing his arm, cried— + </p> + <p> + “Papa! oh, save him!” It was Puttee Rooge! “Remember,” continued she, “his + misfortunes—remember, oh, remember my—love!”—and here + she blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging down her + head, looked the very picture of modest affection. + </p> + <p> + Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, “'Tis better as it is; + had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. None of this shameless + fooling, Puttee Rooge,” continued the tyrant, dragging her away. “Captain + Gahagan dies three hours from hence.” Puttee Rooge gave one scream and + fainted—her father and the Vizier carried her off between them; nor + was I loth to part with her, for, with all her love, she was as ugly as + the deuce. + </p> + <p> + They were gone—my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of + life: so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As + it may happen to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and to be + hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan of + going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found to be + successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal of + unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man the coming + catastrophe. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance in the + heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to conduct me to + the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the very white + donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the camp after he was + bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to his rank and + state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all sides; my ass was conducted + by the common executioner: a crier went forward, shouting out, “Make way + for the destroyer of the faithful—he goes to bear the punishment of + his crimes.” We came to the fatal plain: it was the very spot whence I had + borne away the elephant, and in full sight of the fort. I looked towards + it. Thank heaven! King George's banner waved on it still—a crowd + were gathered on the walls—the men, the dastards who had deserted me—and + women, too. Among the latter I thought I distinguished ONE who—O + gods! the thought turned me sick—I trembled and looked pale for the + first time. + </p> + <p> + “He trembles! he turns pale,” shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously + exulting over his conquered enemy. + </p> + <p> + “Dog!” shouted I—(I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail, + and so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)—“not so pale as you + looked when I felled you with this arm—not so pale as your women + looked when I entered your harem!” Completely chop-fallen, the Indian + ruffian was silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM. + </p> + <p> + We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet thick and + eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake, about seven feet + from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two fetters; in + these my wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood near, with + strange-looking instruments: others were blowing at a fire, over which was + a caldron, and in the embers were stuck other prongs and instruments of + iron. + </p> + <p> + The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in effect as + that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the Grand Vizier. I + confess I was too agitated to catch every word that was spoken. + </p> + <p> + Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The Grand + Vizier came up to me—it was his duty to stand by, and see the + punishment performed. “It is yet time!” said he. + </p> + <p> + I nodded my head, but did not answer. + </p> + <p> + The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a + voice choking with emotion, said, “EXECUTIONER—DO—YOUR—DUTY!” + </p> + <p> + The horrid man advanced—he whispered sulkily in the ears of the + Grand Vizier, “Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree,” said he, “the oil does not + boil yet—wait one minute.” The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the + oil was heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside: taking a large ladle + full of the boiling liquid, he advanced— + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Whish! bang, bang! pop!” the executioner was dead at my feet, shot + through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face of + the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. “Whish! bang! + pop! Hurrah!—charge!—forwards!—cut them down!—no + quarter!” + </p> + <p> + I saw—yes, no, yes, no, yes!—I saw regiment upon regiment of + galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives. + First of the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On + came the gallant line of black steeds and horsemen, swift, swift before + them rode my officers in yellow—Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle; + their sabres gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air. “D—- + them!” they cried, “give it them, boys!” A strength supernatural thrilled + through my veins at that delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I + wrested the post from its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not + release my hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam + tightly, I sprung forward—with one blow I levelled the five + executioners in the midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding + oil-can; with the next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off + their legs; with the third, I caught that chief himself in the small of + the back, and sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers! + </p> + <p> + The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick leading + on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had swept far away. + We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes + afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found me sitting + on it. + </p> + <p> + “Look at Gahagan,” said his lordship. “Gentlemen, did I not tell you we + should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?” + </p> + <p> + The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF + FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of November, + 1804. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in the + Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:—“Married, on the 25th + of December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady + Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Abmednuggar, to Belinda, second + daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the + Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride; and after a splendid dejeune, the + happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus must + recollect, however, that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side. The + Irregulars are nothing without their leader.” + </p> + <p> + Such was the paragraph—such the event—the happiest in the + existence of + </p> + <p> + G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. <a name="link2H_4_0025" + id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> + <h3> + SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG. + </h3> + <p> + It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that bathes + its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as now, by a few + rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers, and funguses, and + creeping ivy. No, no! where the ivy now clusters there grew strong + portcullis and bars of steel; where the wallflower now quivers in the + rampart there were silken banners embroidered with wonderful heraldry; + men-at-arms marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a + hideous black champignon; and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant + me there were ladies and knights to revel in the great halls, and to + feast, and to dance, and to make love there. They are passed away:—those + old knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to silver, and + then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their elegant legs, + so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and gouty, and then, from + being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to bare bone-shanks; the roses left + their cheeks, and then their cheeks disappeared, and left their skulls, + and then their skulls powdered into dust, and all sign of them was gone. + And as it was with them, so shall it be with us. Ho, seneschal! fill me a + cup of liquor! put sugar in it, good fellow—yea, and a little hot + water; a very little, for my soul is sad, as I think of those days and + knights of old. + </p> + <p> + They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?—gone?—nay, + not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of them as they + walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining faintly in their coats + of steel, wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long-tailed + gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them + still in the far-off Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions as + they hasten to battle or tourney—and the dim echoes of their lutes + chanting of love and fair ladies! Gracious privilege of poesy! It is as + the Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures that + to the sight of donkeys are invisible. Blessed treasures of fancy! I would + not change ye—no, not for many donkey-loads of gold. . . . Fill + again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me up the produce on the + hostel door—surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the wondrous + liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and princesses look blandly + down on us from the cloudy perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what year + the fairies left the Rhine?—long before Murray's “Guide-Book” was + wrote—long before squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came + paddling down the stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the + appearance of eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne as + a wonder? Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied by + their ladies'-maids. But of them we will say no more—let us back to + those who went before them. + </p> + <p> + Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when + chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon the banks + of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, and hence must be + positively true. 'Tis a story of knights and ladies—of love and + battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes and noble lords, moreover: + the best of company. Gentles, an ye will, ye shall hear it. Fair dames and + damsels, may your loves be as happy as those of the heroine of this + romaunt. + </p> + <p> + On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in the + year previously indicated, such travellers as might have chanced to be + abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer + journeying on the road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not tall + in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and Time, which had + browned and furrowed his cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray, declared + pretty clearly that He must have been acquainted with the warrior for some + fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a powerful and active + battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had come that day was long + and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his armor and luggage, with + seeming ease. As it was in a friend's country, the knight did not think + fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet, which hung at his saddlebow + over his portmanteau. Both were marked with the coronet of a count; and + from the crown which surmounted the helmet, rose the crest of his knightly + race, an arm proper lifting a naked sword. + </p> + <p> + At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior's grasp, hung his + mangonel or mace—a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains of + many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest there fell + the triangular shield of the period, whereon were emblazoned his arms—argent, + a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second: the latter device was + awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, by the Emperor Maximilian, + and a reference to the German Peerage of that day, or a knowledge of high + families which every gentleman then possessed, would have sufficed to show + at once that the rider we have described was of the noble house of + Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir Ludwig of Hombourg: his + rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor of Austria, was marked by + the cap of maintenance with the peacock's feather which he wore (when not + armed for battle), and his princely blood was denoted by the oiled silk + umbrella which he carried (a very meet protection against the pitiless + storm), and which, as it is known, in the middle ages, none but princes + were justified in using. A bag, fastened with a brazen padlock, and made + of the costly produce of the Persian looms (then extremely rare in + Europe), told that he had travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, was + evident from the inscription writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the + bag. It first ran “Count Ludwig de Hombourg, Jerusalem;” but the name of + the Holy City had been dashed out with the pen, and that of “Godesberg” + substituted. So far indeed had the cavalier travelled!—and it is + needless to state that the bag in question contained such remaining + articles of the toilet as the high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place + in his valise. + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!” said the good knight, shivering, + “'tis colder here than at Damascus! Marry, I am so hungry I could eat one + of Saladin's camels. Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner?” And + taking out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his + embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by finding that it was + but seven of the night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the warder + had sounded the second gong. + </p> + <p> + His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which could trot + at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to this famous + castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome signal which told + that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, were about + to prepare for their usual repast at eight o'clock. Crowds of pages and + horse-keepers were in the court, when, the portcullis being raised, and + amidst the respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most ancient friend of + the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard. The under-butler + stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. “Welcome, Sir Count, from the + Holy Land!” exclaimed the faithful old man. “Welcome, Sir Count, from the + Holy Land!” cried the rest of the servants in the hall. A stable was + speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst, and it was not before + the gallant soldier had seen that true animal well cared for, that he + entered the castle itself, and was conducted to his chamber. Wax-candles + burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china vases, every variety of + soap, and a flask of the precious essence manufactured at the neighboring + city of Cologne, were displayed on his toilet-table; a cheering fire + “crackled on the hearth,” and showed that the good knight's coming had + been looked and cared for. The serving-maidens, bringing him hot water for + his ablutions, smiling asked, “Would he have his couch warmed at eve?” One + might have been sure from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an + arch reply. The family tonsor came to know whether the noble Count had + need of his skill. “By Saint Bugo,” said the knight, as seated in an easy + settle by the fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and + lightly passed the tongs and pomatum through “the sable silver” of his + hair,—“By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand Cairo. + How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady countess, his mother; + and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother-in-arms?” + </p> + <p> + “They are well,” said the tonsor, with a sigh. + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Bugo, I'm glad on't; but why that sigh?” + </p> + <p> + “Things are not as they have been with my good lord,” answered the + hairdresser, “ever since Count Gottfried's arrival.” + </p> + <p> + “He here!” roared Sir Ludwig. “Good never came where Gottfried was!” and + the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed admirably the + proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the + spotless vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa, which was + the fitting costume for “knight in ladye's bower,” the knight entered into + a conversation with the barber, who explained to him, with the usual + garrulousness of his tribe, what was the present position of the noble + family of Godesberg. + </p> + <p> + This will be narrated in the next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> + <h3> + THE GODESBERGERS. + </h3> + <p> + 'Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg found + in the bosom of his friend's family a cordial welcome. The brother-in-arms + of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the Margravine, the + exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and (albeit no theologian, and + although the first princes of Christendom coveted such an honor,) he was + selected to stand as sponsor for the Margrave's son Otto, the only child + of his house. + </p> + <p> + It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been united: + and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more than one child, + it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and that surely never + lighted on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Ludwig, + hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved godchild, he had left + him a boy; he now found him, as the latter rushed into his arms, grown to + be one of the finest young men in Germany: tall and excessively graceful + in proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his cheek, that was + likewise adorned with the first down of manhood, and with magnificent + golden ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling over his brow and + his shoulders. His eyes alternately beamed with the fire of daring, or + melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well might a mother be proud + of such a boy. Well might the brave Ludwig exclaim, as he clasped the + youth to his breast, “By St. Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit + to be one of Coeur de Lion's grenadiers!” and it was the fact: the + “Childe” of Godesberg measured six feet three. + </p> + <p> + He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple attire of + the nobleman of the period—and his costume a good deal resembled + that of the old knight whose toilet we have just described; with the + difference of color, however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of + Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of carved and + embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leggings, were of the stuff of + Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard argosies at an immense price from + China. The neighboring country of Holland had supplied his wrists and + bosom with the most costly laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat + placed on one side of his head, ornamented with a single flower, (that + brilliant one, the tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather's + dressing-room, and warned him that the banquet was ready. + </p> + <p> + It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady + Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation; for + she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid fish now + smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for herself, but for her + lord's sake. “Godesberg,” whispered she to Count Ludwig, as trembling on + his arm they descended from the drawing-room, “Godesberg is sadly changed + of late.” + </p> + <p> + “By St. Bugo!” said the burly knight, starting, “these are the very words + the barber spake.” + </p> + <p> + The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen. For + some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much occupied in + ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves' head of which the + delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay, marry, + and in eating them, too,) to look at his brother-in-arms at the bottom of + the table, where he sat with his son on his left hand, and the Baron + Gottfried on his right. + </p> + <p> + The Margrave was INDEED changed. “By St. Bugo,” whispered Ludwig to the + Countess, “your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been wounded o' + the head.” Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The + soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig remarked that the + Margrave sent all away untasted. + </p> + <p> + “The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg,” said the Margrave + gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to drink! how + different was this from the old times! + </p> + <p> + But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to hand round + the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party, and to fill young + Otto's goblet, (which the latter held up with the eagerness of youth,) the + Margrave's rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son; he dashed the + wine-cup over his spotless vest: and giving him three or four heavy blows + which would have knocked down a bonassus, but only caused the young Childe + to blush: “YOU take wine!” roared out the Margrave; “YOU dare to help + yourself! Who time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help yourself?” and the + terrible blows were reiterated over the delicate ears of the boy. + </p> + <p> + “Ludwig! Ludwig!” shrieked the Margravine. + </p> + <p> + “Hold your prate, madam,” roared the Prince. “By St. Buffo, mayn't a + father beat his own child?” + </p> + <p> + “HIS OWN CHILD!” repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a shriek of + indescribable agony. “Ah, what did I say?” + </p> + <p> + Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the Margrave's + right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much agitated by the + recent conflict to wear any expression but that of extreme discomfiture; + but the poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red almost as + the lobster which flanked the turbot before her. + </p> + <p> + In those rude old times, 'tis known such table quarrels were by no means + unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen the Margrave + cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or empty a sauce-boat in + the direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one of the usual + outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend, and wisely determined to + change the converse. + </p> + <p> + “How is my friend,” said he, “the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?” + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Buffo, this is too much!” screamed the Margrave, and actually + rushed from time room. + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Bugo,” said his friend, “gallant knights, gentle sirs, what ails + my good Lord Margave?” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps his nose bleeds,” said Gottfried, with a sneer. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, my kind friend,” said the Margravine with uncontrollable emotion, “I + fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into the fire.” And + making the signal of departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to + coffee in the drawing-room. + </p> + <p> + The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected than he + had been. “Otto,” he said sternly, “go join the ladies: it becomes not a + young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights after dinner.” The + noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room, and the + Margrave, taking his lady's place at the head of the table, whispered to + Sir Ludwig, “Hildebrandt will be here to-night to an evening-party, given + in honor of your return from Palestine. My good friend—my true + friend—my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see + that the fiddlers be not drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready.” + Sir Gottfried, obsequiously taking his patron's hint, bowed and left the + room. + </p> + <p> + “You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig,” said the Margrave, with a + heart-rending look. “You marked Gottfried, who left the room anon?” + </p> + <p> + “I did.” + </p> + <p> + “You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee, Ludwig, that + yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend. Why should he not + be! He is my near relation, heir to my property: should I” (here the + Margrave's countenance assumed its former expression of excruciating + agony),—“SHOULD I HAVE NO SON.” + </p> + <p> + “But I never saw the boy in better health,” replied Sir Ludwig. + </p> + <p> + “Nevertheless,—ha! ha!—it may chance that I shall soon have no + son.” + </p> + <p> + The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir Ludwig + thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather deeply. He + proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern soldier of those + days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the punch-bowl: and many a + rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria with lion-hearted Richard; + with his coadjutor, Godfrey of Bouillon; nay, with the dauntless Saladin + himself. + </p> + <p> + “You knew Gottfried in Palestine?” asked the Margrave. + </p> + <p> + “I did.” + </p> + <p> + “Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with the warm + grasp of friendship? It is not because Sir Gottfried is poor? You know + well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my early friend!” + </p> + <p> + “I care not for his race nor for his poverty,” replied the blunt crusader. + “What says the Minnesinger? 'Marry, that the rank is but the stamp of the + guinea; the man is the gold.' And I tell thee, Karl of Godesberg, that + yonder Gottfried is base metal.” + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig.” + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow was known i' the camp + of the crusaders—disreputably known. Ere he joined us in Palestine, + he had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He + is a cogger of dice, I tell thee—a chanter of horseflesh. He won + five thousand marks from bluff Richard of England the night before the + storming of Ascalon, and I caught him with false trumps in his pocket. He + warranted a bay mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had fired + her.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?” cried Sir Karl, knitting his + brows. “Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other but + Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to chine.” + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir + Gottfried's body—not on thine, old brother-in-arms. And to do the + knave justice, he is a good lance. Holy Bugo! but he did good service at + Acre! But his character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was + dismissed the army; nor even allowed to sell his captain's commission.” + </p> + <p> + “I have heard of it,” said the Margrave; “Gottfried hath told me of it. + 'Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup—a mere silly jape, + believe me. Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board. + Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black bottle at the + county's head. Hence his dismission and abrupt return. But you know not,” + continued the Margrave, with a heavy sigh, “of what use that worthy + Gottfried has been to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Not YET,” answered Hombourg, satirically. + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable traitor!—a + nest of traitors. Hildebranndt is a traitor—Otto is a traitor—and + Theodora (O heaven!) she—she is ANOTHER.” The old Prince burst into + tears at the word, and was almost choked with emotion. + </p> + <p> + “What means this passion, dear friend?” cried Sir Ludwig, seriously + alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark Hildebrandt + and OTTO together. Like, like I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints, that + I should be born to suffer this!—to have all my affections wrenched + out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age! But, hark! the guests + are arriving. An ye will not empty another flask of claret, let us join + the ladyes i' the withdrawing chamber. When there, mark HILDEBRANDT AND + OTTO!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> + <h3> + THE FESTIVAL. + </h3> + <p> + The festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, or in their caroches, + knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in the grand saloon + of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to receive them. Servitors, + in rich liveries, (they were attired in doublets of the sky-blue + broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit—the + colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore about various refreshments on + trays of silver—cakes, baked in the oven, and swimming in melted + butter; manchets of bread, smeared with the same delicious condiment, and + carved so thin that you might have expected them to take wing and fly to + the ceiling; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his excursion + into Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce, circulated amidst + the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the guests. The + Margrave's gloom was unheeded by them—how little indeed is the + smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts of those + who bid them to the feast! The Margravine was pale; but woman knows how to + deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous to her friends, and + laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and talked, though the talk was + loathsome to her. + </p> + <p> + “The two are together,” said the Margrave, clutching his friend's + shoulder. “NOW LOOK!” + </p> + <p> + Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were Sir + Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance. Two eggs + were not more like! The reason of the Margrave's horrid suspicion at once + flashed across his friend's mind. + </p> + <p> + “'Tis clear as the staff of a pike,” said the poor Margrave, mournfully. + “Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a game at cribbage!” + and retiring to the Margravine's boudoir, the two warriors sat down to the + game. + </p> + <p> + But though 'tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won, yet he + could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was his mind by the + dreadful secret which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play, the + obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his patron's ear, which + threw the latter into such a fury, that apoplexy was apprehended by the + two lookers-on. But the Margrave mastered his emotion. “AT WHAT TIME, did + you say?” said he to Gottfried. + </p> + <p> + “At daybreak, at the outer gate.” + </p> + <p> + “I will be there.” + </p> + <p> + “AND SO WILL I TOO,” thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of Hombourg. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> + <h3> + THE FLIGHT. + </h3> + <p> + How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future, and think + he can bend stern fate to his will! Alas, we are but creatures in its + hands! How many a slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup! How often, + though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon, do we find + ourselves dashed to earth; and then we are fain to say the grapes are + sour, because we cannot attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in + consequence of our own fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE + OUTER GATE at daybreak. + </p> + <p> + He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night's potations had been + heavy, the day's journey had been long and rough. The knight slept as a + soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity, and who wakes not till he + hears the blast of the reveille. + </p> + <p> + He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Margrave. He had been + there for hours watching his slumbering comrade. Watching?—no, not + watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably bitter—over + feelings inexpressibly wretched. + </p> + <p> + “What's o'clock?” was the first natural exclamation of the Hombourger. + </p> + <p> + “I believe it is five o'clock,” said his friend. It was ten. It might have + been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six, the Margrave + would still have said, “I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK.” The wretched take + no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions, indeed, for THEM. + </p> + <p> + “Is breakfast over?” inquired the crusader. + </p> + <p> + “Ask the butler,” said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly, rolling his + eyes wildly, smiling wildly. + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Bugo!” said the Knight of Hombourg, “what has ailed thee, my + friend? It is ten o'clock by my horologe. Your regular hour is nine. You + are not—no, by heavens! you are not shaved! You wear the tights and + silken hose of last evening's banquet. Your collar is all rumpled—'tis + that of yesterday. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED! What has chanced, brother of + mine: what has chanced?” + </p> + <p> + “A common chance, Louis of Hombourg,” said the Margrave: “one that chances + every day. A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart. THIS has + chanced. I have not been to bed.” + </p> + <p> + “What mean ye?” cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. “A false friend? I am + not a false friend. A false woman? Surely the lovely Theodora, your wife—” + </p> + <p> + “I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had occurred. + Gottfried's information was but too correct. There was a CAUSE for the + likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt and + Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen them. + They walked long together; they embraced. Ah! how the husband's, the + father's, feelings were harrowed at that embrace! They parted; and then + the Margrave, coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she was to + retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should be sent + too, to take the vows at a monastery. + </p> + <p> + Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and guarded by a + company of his father's men-at-arms, was on the river going towards + Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under + the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to the + convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have seen—the + beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the bright waters of the Rhine! + </p> + <p> + “What road did Gottfried take?” asked the Knight of Hombourg, grinding his + teeth. + </p> + <p> + “You cannot overtake him,” said the Margrave. “My good Gottfried, he is my + only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir. He will be back + anon.” + </p> + <p> + “Will he so?” thought Sir Ludwig. “I will ask him a few questions ere he + return.” And springing from his couch, he began forthwith to put on his + usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a hasty ablution, + donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He rang the + bell violently. + </p> + <p> + “A cup of coffee, straight,” said he, to the servitor who answered the + summons; “bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper, and the groom + saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride.” + </p> + <p> + The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought; the refreshments + disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing steed were heard in the + court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice of his friend, and sat, + plunged in silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> + <h3> + THE TRAITOR'S DOOM. + </h3> + <p> + The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts from the + hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green plain below. Who has + not seen that lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not loved it? A + thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around in peaceful + luxuriance; the mighty Rhine floats by it in silver magnificence, and on + the opposite bank rise the seven mountains robed in majestic purple, the + monarchs of the royal scene. + </p> + <p> + A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has mentioned + that “peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that offer cake and + wine,” are perpetually crowding round the traveller in this delicious + district, and proffering to him their rustic presents. This was no doubt + the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his elegant poems—in + the happy ancient days! when maidens were as yet generous, and men kindly! + Now the degenerate peasantry of the district are much more inclined to ask + than to give, and their blue eyes seem to have disappeared with their + generosity. + </p> + <p> + But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story occurred, 'tis + probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was greeted upon his path + by this fascinating peasantry; though we know not how he accepted their + welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green country until he came + to Rolandseck, whence he could command the Island of Nonnenwerth (that + lies in the Rhine opposite that place), and all who went to it or passed + from it. + </p> + <p> + Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging above the + Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous cactuses and + silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day may perceive a rude + broken image of a saint: that image represented the venerable Saint Buffo + of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and Sir Ludwig, kneeling on the + greensward, and reciting a censer, an ave, and a couple of acolytes before + it, felt encouraged to think that the deed he meditated was about to be + performed under the very eyes of his friend's sanctified patron. His + devotion done (and the knight of those days was as pious as he was brave), + Sir Ludwig, the gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud voice:— + </p> + <p> + “Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?” + </p> + <p> + “Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?” exclaimed a voice + from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of geranium and + magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient, and majestic head—'twas + that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo's solitary. A silver beard hanging + to his knees gave his person an appearance of great respectability; his + body was robed in simple brown serge, and girt with a knotted cord: his + ancient feet were only defended from the prickles and stones by the rudest + sandals, and his bald and polished head was bare. + </p> + <p> + “Holy hermit,” said the knight, in a grave voice, “make ready thy + ministry, for there is some one about to die.” + </p> + <p> + “Where, son?” + </p> + <p> + “Here, father.” + </p> + <p> + “Is he here, now?” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps,” said the stout warrior, crossing himself; “but not so if right + prevail.” At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat putting off from + Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by the sinople + reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was Sir Gottfried + of Godesberg. + </p> + <p> + “Be ready, father,” said the good knight, pointing towards the advancing + boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the reverend hermit, + without a further word, he vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for a + few score of paces; when he wheeled round, and remained steady. His great + lance and pennon rose in the air. His armor glistened in the sun; the + chest and head of his battle-horse were similarly covered with steel. As + Sir Gottfried, likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had been left at + the ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started at the figure + before him—a glistening tower of steel. + </p> + <p> + “Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?” said Sir Gottfried, + haughtily, “or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your + lady-love?” + </p> + <p> + “I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against all comers. I + hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a traitor.” + </p> + <p> + “As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass,” said Gottfried. + </p> + <p> + “The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. Liar and traitor! + art thou coward, too?” + </p> + <p> + “Holy Saint Buffo! 'tis a fight!” exclaimed the old hermit (who, too, had + been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war-horse that hears + the trumpet's sound, and spite of his clerical profession, he prepared to + look on at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and sat down on the + overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and affecting unconcern, + but in reality most deeply interested in the event which was about to + ensue. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the word “coward” had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his + opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here, had + wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the rest. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! Beauseant!” cried he. “Allah humdillah!” 'Twas the battle-cry in + Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers. “Look to thyself, Sir + Knight, and for mercy from heaven! I will give thee none.” + </p> + <p> + “A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!” exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that, too, + was the well-known war-cry of his princely race. + </p> + <p> + “I will give the signal,” said the old hermit, waving his pipe. “Knights, + are you ready? One, two, three. LOS!” (let go.) + </p> + <p> + At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds; the two + knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel, rapidly converged; + the two lances met upon the two shields of either, and shivered, + splintered, shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which whirled + through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the trees, or in + the river. The two horses fell back trembling on their haunches, where + they remained for half a minute or so. + </p> + <p> + “Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!” said the old hermit. “Marry, but a splinter + wellnigh took off my nose!” The honest hermit waved his pipe in delight, + not perceiving that one of the splinters had carried off the head of it, + and rendered his favorite amusement impossible. “Ha! they are to it again! + O my! how they go to with their great swords! Well stricken, gray! Well + parried, piebald! Ha, that was a slicer! Go it, piebald! go it, gray!—go + it, gray! go it, pie—Peccavi! peccavi!” said the old man, here + suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on his knees. “I forgot I was + a man of peace.” And the next moment, muttering a hasty matin, he sprung + down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of the combatants. + </p> + <p> + The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his strength and + skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the Hombourger, with RIGHT + on his side. He was bleeding at every point of his armor: he had been run + through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, delivered with + tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown of his helmet of Damascus + steel, and passing through the cerebellum and sensorium, had split his + nose almost in twain. + </p> + <p> + His mouth foaming—his face almost green—his eyes full of blood—his + brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth knocked out,—the + discomfited warrior presented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling under the + effects of the last tremendous blow which the Knight of Hombourg dealt, + Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his piebald charger; the + frightened animal whisked his tail wildly with a shriek and a snort, + plunged out his hind legs, trampling for one moment upon the feet of the + prostrate Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek with agony, and then + galloped away riderless. + </p> + <p> + Away! ay, away!—away amid the green vineyards and golden cornfields; + away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the eagles in their + eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the flashing cataracts + tumble; away through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves are + howling away over the dreary wolds, where the wild wind walks alone; away + through the plashing quagmires, where the will-o'-the-wisp slunk + frightened among the reeds; away through light and darkness, storm and + sunshine; away by tower and town, high-road and hamlet. Once a + turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike, + and cleared it at a bound. Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way: he + charged the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the + roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on! Brave + horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby! On went the horse, over + mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped until he + reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to put + him up. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> + <h3> + THE CONFESSION. + </h3> + <p> + But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual. Having + examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the old hermit (a + skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the vanquished one and said, “Sir + Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are in an + exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not probably survive.” + </p> + <p> + “Say you so, Sir Priest? then 'tis time I make my confession. Hearken you, + Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be.” + </p> + <p> + Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his horse up + to a tree), lifted his visor and said, “Gottfried of Godesberg! I am the + friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined; I + am the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou hast + belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou + wouldst have appropriated. Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and + overcame thee, and have wellnigh finished thee. Speak on.” + </p> + <p> + “I have done all this,” said the dying man, “and here, in my last hour, + repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the youthful Otto the + true son of his father—Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his + UNCLE.” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious Buffo!” “Celestial Bugo!” here said the hermit and the Knight of + Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon. Hence he + could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady Theodora's + spotless purity (though the young people had been brought up together) + could never be brought to own the relationship.” + </p> + <p> + “May I repeat your confession?” asked the hermit. + </p> + <p> + “With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the Margrave, + and pray him give me pardon. Were there—a notary-public present,” + slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing over his eyes, + “I would ask—you—two—gentlemen to witness it. I would + gladly—sign the deposition—that is, if I could + wr-wr-wr-wr-ite!” A faint shuddering smile—a quiver, a gasp, a + gurgle—the blood gushed from his mouth in black volumes . . . . + </p> + <p> + “He will never sin more,” said the hermit, solemnly. + </p> + <p> + “May heaven assoilzie him!” said Sir Ludwig. “Hermit, he was a gallant + knight. He died with harness on his back and with truth on his lips: + Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . .” + </p> + <p> + An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of Godesberg were + rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot into the court-yard of + the castle, with a companion on the crupper of his saddle. 'Twas the + venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater celerity, had + adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose appearance and little dumpy + legs might well create hilarity among the “pampered menials” who are + always found lounging about the houses of the great. He skipped off the + saddle with considerable lightness however; and Sir Ludwig, taking the + reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering servitors into awe, bade + one of them lead him to the presence of his Highness the Margrave. + </p> + <p> + “What has chanced?” said the inquisitive servitor. “The riderless horse of + Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon. The Margrave's + Grace has never quitted your lordship's chamber, and sits as one + distraught.” + </p> + <p> + “Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!” And so saying, the Knight and his + Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where, according to the + servitor's description, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone. + </p> + <p> + Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man's hands, the hermit seized + the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with a prolixity + which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the events which we + have already described. Let the dear reader fancy, while his Reverence + speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave gradually lighting up with + attention; the flush of joy which mantles in his countenance—the + start—the throb—the almost delirious outburst of hysteric + exultation with which, when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the + two messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost + choked the aged recluse! “Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine—say + I have wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back—that + I forgive her—that I apologize if you will”—and a secretary + forthwith despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a + fleet messenger. + </p> + <p> + “Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him send + me back my boy, my darling, my Otto—my Otto of roses!” said the fond + father, making the first play upon words he had ever attempted in his + life. But what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling at + the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messenger was despatched + on another horse. + </p> + <p> + “And now,” said Sir Ludwig, playfully, “let us to lunch. Holy hermit, are + you for a snack?” + </p> + <p> + The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the three + gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which the remains of + the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said, ample means. + </p> + <p> + “They will be home by dinner-time,” said the exulting father. “Ludwig! + reverend hermit! we will carry on till then.” And the cup passed gayly + round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the three happy friends + sat confidentially awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son. + </p> + <p> + But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former chapter, + that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is often many a spill? + that our hopes are high, and often, too often, vain? About three hours + after the departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with an + exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the Margrave a billet to + the following effect:— + </p> + <p> + “CONVENT OF NONNENWERTH, Friday Afternoon. + </p> + <p> + “SIR—I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed to + bear it no more. I will no longer be made the butt of your ribald satire, + and the object of your coarse abuse. Last week you threatened me with your + cane! On Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which hit the + butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This morning, in the + presence of all the servants, you called me by the most vile, abominable + name, which heaven forbid I should repeat! You dismissed me from your + house under a false accusation. You sent me to this odious convent to be + immured for life. Be it so! I will not come back, because, forsooth; you + relent. Anything is better than a residence with a wicked, coarse, + violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself. I remain here for ever + and blush to be obliged to sign myself + </p> + <p> + “THEODORA VON GODESBERG. + </p> + <p> + “P.S.—I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels, + and wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your house in + order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear + out. T. V. G.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE SENTENCE. + </h3> + <p> + This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at all + times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages, struck dismay + into the heart of the Margrave. + </p> + <p> + “Are her ladyship's insinuations correct?” asked the hermit, in a severe + tone. “To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say a justifiable + practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both to the liquor and to + her.” + </p> + <p> + “But she sent a carving-knife at me first,” said the heartbroken husband. + “O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen to thy green and + yellow tongue?” + </p> + <p> + “They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely,” whispered Sir + Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture upon family + discord and marital authority, which would have sent his two hearers to + sleep, but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the Margrave had + despatched to Cologne for his son. This herald wore a still longer face + than that of his comrade who preceded him. + </p> + <p> + “Where is my darling?” roared the agonized parent. “Have ye brought him + with ye?” + </p> + <p> + “N—no,” said the man, hesitating. + </p> + <p> + “I will flog the knave soundly when he comes,” cried the father, vainly + endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his inward emotion + and tenderness. + </p> + <p> + “Please, your Highness,” said the messenger, making a desperate effort, + “Count Otto is not at the convent.” + </p> + <p> + “Know ye, knave, where he is?” + </p> + <p> + The swain solemnly said, “I do. He is THERE.” He pointed as he spake to + the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted up by the + magnificent hues of sunset. + </p> + <p> + “THERE! How mean ye THERE?” gasped the Margrave, wrought to a pitch of + nervous fury. + </p> + <p> + “Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct him to + the convent, he—he jumped suddenly from it, and is dr—dr—owned.” + </p> + <p> + “Carry that knave out and hang him!” said the Margrave, with a calmness + more dreadful than any outburst of rage. “Let every man of the boat's crew + be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the tower—except the + coxswain, and let him be—” + </p> + <p> + What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that moment, + and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down lifeless on the floor. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG. + </h3> + <p> + It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers we dare + venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found) that the cause + of the Margrave's fainting-fit, described in the last chapter, was a + groundless apprehension on the part of that too solicitous and credulous + nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No, young Otto was NOT + drowned. Was ever hero of romantic story done to death so early in the + tale? Young Otto was NOT drowned. Had such been the case, the Lord + Margrave would infallibly have died at the close of the last chapter; and + a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted how the lovely Lady + Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir Ludwig determined, upon + the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon the shock of hearing the + news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and assume the robe, the beard, + the mortifications of the late venerable and solitary ecclesiastic. Otto + was NOT drowned, and all those personages of our history are consequently + alive and well. + </p> + <p> + The boat containing the amazed young Count—for he knew not the cause + of his father's anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust sentence + which the Margrave had uttered—had not rowed many miles, when the + gallant boy rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and + determined not to be a slave in any convent of any order: determined to + make a desperate effort for escape. At a moment when the men were pulling + hard against the tide, and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to + steer the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands which are + frequently met with in the majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave a + sudden spring from the boat, and with one single flounce was in the + boiling, frothing, swirling eddy of the stream. + </p> + <p> + Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young lord! All + loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but as they did not + know how to swim, of course they declined to make any useless plunges in + search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder and grief. ONCE, his + fair head and golden ringlets were seen to arise from the water; TWICE, + puffing and panting, it appeared for an instant again; THRICE, it rose but + for one single moment: it was the last chance, and it sunk, sunk, sunk. + Knowing the reception they would meet with from their liege lord, the men + naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but putting in at the first creek + on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke of Nassau's territory; where, as + they have little to do with our tale, we will leave them. + </p> + <p> + But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto. He had + disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED. He calculated that + his conductors would consider him drowned, and the desire of liberty + lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in this instance,) the + gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his head for a single + moment between Godesberg and Cologne—the distance being twenty-five + or thirty miles. + </p> + <p> + Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the river, + repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he had had an + accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the moisture of his + habiliments, and while these were drying before a fire in his chamber, + went snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the strange + events of the day. “This morning,” thought he, “a noble, and heir to a + princely estate—this evening an outcast, with but a few bank-notes + which my mamma luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry into + life is this for a young man of my family! Well, I have courage and + resolution: my first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful + one; other dangers will be conquered by similar bravery.” And recommending + himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the care of their + patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy fell presently into + such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the innocent, and the + extremely fatigued can enjoy. + </p> + <p> + The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued after + swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto to sleep so + profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday's sunset, as a + natural consequence, Saturday's Phoebus illumined the world, ay, and sunk + at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of the hostel, peeping in, + marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a pretty youth, tripped lightly + from the chamber; the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call him (as + boots will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore, turned on his + side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption. In a word, the youth + slept for six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the Sunday sun was + shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne were clinking and + tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and burgheresses of the town + were trooping to vespers and morning service when Otto awoke. + </p> + <p> + As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the astonished boy + could not at first account for his difficulty in putting them on. “Marry,” + said he, “these breeches that my blessed mother” (tears filled his fine + eyes as he thought of her)—“that my blessed mother had made long on + purpose, are now ten inches too short for me. Whir-r-r! my coat cracks i' + the back, as in vain I try to buckle it round me; and the sleeves reach no + farther than my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I grown fat and tall in a + single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it.” + </p> + <p> + The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily. He bethought him of the + reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from being five-and-twenty + miles under water. + </p> + <p> + But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not say was + to purchase new ones. Inquiring the way to the most genteel + ready-made-clothes' establishment in the city of Cologne, and finding it + was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated Moses + of London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium; but you may be + sure did not neglect to perform his religious duties by the way. Entering + the cathedral, he made straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo, and hiding + himself behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognized by the + archbishop, or any of his father's numerous friends in Cologne), he + proceeded with his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles of + the age. + </p> + <p> + But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could not + refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he remarked with + surprise that the whole church was filled with archers; and he remembered, + too, that he had seen in the streets numerous other bands of men similarly + attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch the cause of this + assemblage, one of the green ones said (in a jape), “Marry, youngster, YOU + must be GREEN, not to know that we are all bound to the castle of his + Grace Duke Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery meeting once a year, and + prizes for which we toxophilites muster strong.” + </p> + <p> + Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately settled + what to do. He straightway repaired to the ready-made emporium of Herr + Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with an archer's complete + dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock, which fitted + the youth to a T, and we need not say was sold at an exceedingly moderate + price. So attired (and bidding Herr Moses a cordial farewell), young Otto + was a gorgeous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to gaze on. A coat and + breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented with a profusion of + brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite tightness, showed off a + figure unrivalled for slim symmetry. His feet were covered with peaked + buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his slender waist, of the same + material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe and pouch, and his long shining + dirk; which, though the adventurous youth had as yet only employed it to + fashion wicket-bails, or to cut bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready + to use against the enemy. His personal attractions were enhanced by a neat + white hat, flung carelessly and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling + countenance; and his lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets, + fell over his shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far as + the waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a lovely Colnerinn + looked after the handsome Childe with anxiety, and dreamed that night of + Cupid under the guise of “a bonny boy in green.” + </p> + <p> + So accoutred, the youth's next thought was, that he must supply himself + with a bow. This he speedily purchased at the most fashionable bowyer's, + and of the best material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink + ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beautifully painted and + embroidered, was slung across his back, with a dozen of the finest arrows, + tipped with steel of Damascus, formed of the branches of the famous + Upas-tree of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan. These + purchases being completed (together with that of a knapsack, + dressing-case, change, &c.), our young adventurer asked where was the + hostel at which the archers were wont to assemble? and being informed that + it was at the sign of the “Golden Stag,” hied him to that house of + entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer, he + speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a company of + his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the coffee-room. + </p> + <p> + After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing them, + “When go ye forth, gentles? I am a stranger here, bound as you to the + archery meeting of Duke Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your company + 'twill gladden me upon my lonely way?” + </p> + <p> + The archers replied, “You seem so young and jolly, and you spend your gold + so very like a gentleman, that we'll receive you in our band with + pleasure. Be ready, for we start at half-past two!” At that hour + accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a + little increased his popularity among them by stepping out and having a + conference with the landlord, which caused the latter to come into the + room where the archers were assembled previous to departure, and to say, + “Gentlemen, the bill is settled!”—words never ungrateful to an + archer yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of. + </p> + <p> + They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and telling + of a thousand feats of love and chase and war. While thus engaged, some + one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the regular uniform, + having no feathers in his hat. + </p> + <p> + “I dare say I will find a feather,” said the lad, smiling. + </p> + <p> + Then another gibed because his bow was new. + </p> + <p> + “See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang,” said the + undisturbed youth. His answers, his bearing, his generosity, his beauty, + and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends with interest and + curiosity, and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow + corresponded with their secret sympathies for him. + </p> + <p> + An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present itself soon—as + indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as young Otto was. Fate + seems to watch over such: events occur to them just in the nick of time; + they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of devouring them; they + manage to be present at court and interesting ceremonies, and to see the + most interesting people at the most interesting moment; directly an + adventure is necessary for them, that adventure occurs: and I, for my + part, have often wondered with delight (and never could penetrate the + mystery of the subject) at the way in which that humblest of romance + heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants anything in the Pantomime, straightway + finds it to his hand. How is it that,—suppose he wishes to dress + himself up like a woman for instance, that minute a coalheaver walks in + with a shovel-hat that answers for a bonnet; at the very next instant a + butcher's lad passing with a string of sausages and a bundle of bladders + unconsciously helps Master Clown to a necklace and a tournure, and so on + through the whole toilet? Depend upon it there is something we do not wot + of in that mysterious overcoming of circumstances by great individuals: + that apt and wondrous conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for my + part, when I heard the above remark of one of the archers, that Otto had + never a feather in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron would spring up in + the next sentence to supply him with an aigrette. + </p> + <p> + And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the archers + were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling his crest, + placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes against the wind, + rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the world. + </p> + <p> + “Shoot, Otto,” said one of the archers. “You would not shoot just now at a + crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it was a noble + bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly.” + </p> + <p> + But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the third + best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it. + </p> + <p> + “Shoot, Otto,” said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the young + archer: “the bird is getting further and further.” + </p> + <p> + But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just cut. + Max, the second best archer, shot and missed. + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said Wolfgang, “I must try myself: a plague on you, young + springald, you have lost a noble chance!” + </p> + <p> + Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird. “It is + out of distance,” said he, “and a murrain on the bird!” + </p> + <p> + Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having carved + a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig down and said + carelessly, “Out of distance! Pshaw! We have two minutes yet,” and fell to + asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the which none of the archers + listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in air, watching the + retreating bird. + </p> + <p> + “Where shall I hit him?” said Otto. + </p> + <p> + “Go to,” said Rudolf, “thou canst see no limb of him: he is no bigger than + a flea.” + </p> + <p> + “Here goes for his right eye!” said Otto; and stepping forward in the + English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine, had taught + him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good aim, allowing for + the wind and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whiz! his arrow went + off. + </p> + <p> + He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf at the + other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the while. + </p> + <p> + The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their noses + in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular to the + horizontal position, and said, “Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The arrow's + lost; let's go!” + </p> + <p> + “HEADS!” cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen rapidly descending from + the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a partridge, + then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent heron to the + ground, flooring poor Max in its fall. + </p> + <p> + “Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang,” said Otto, without looking at + the bird: “wipe it and put it back into my quiver.” + </p> + <p> + The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the pupil. + </p> + <p> + “Are you in league with Der Freischutz?” said Rudolf, quite amazed. + </p> + <p> + Otto laughingly whistled the “Huntsman's Chorus,” and said, “No, my + friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot. I was taught shooting, + look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the archers are archers + indeed.” + </p> + <p> + And so he cut off the heron's wing for a plume for his hat; and the + archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, “What a wonderful country that + merry England must be!” + </p> + <p> + Far from feeling any envy at their comrade's success, the jolly archers + recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and Rudolf + especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought the honor of + his friendship. They continued their walk all day, and when night fell + made choice of a good hostel you may be sure, where over beer, punch, + champagne, and every luxury, they drank to the health of the Duke of + Cleves, and indeed each other's healths all round. Next day they resumed + their march, and continued it without interruption, except to take in a + supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on these occasions + that Otto, young as he was, could eat four times as much as the oldest + archer present, and drink to correspond); and these continued refreshments + having given them more than ordinary strength, they determined on making + rather a long march of it, and did not halt till after nightfall at the + gates of the little town of Windeck. + </p> + <p> + What was to be done? the town-gates were shut. “Is there no hostel, no + castle where we can sleep?” asked Otto of the sentinel at the gate. “I am + so hungry that in lack of better food I think I could eat my grandmamma.” + </p> + <p> + The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and said, + “You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;” adding with a + peculiarly knowing look, “Nobody will disturb you there.” + </p> + <p> + At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a hill hard + by a castle indeed—but the skeleton of a castle. The roof was gone, + the windows were dismantled, the towers were tumbling, and the cold + moonlight pierced it through and through. One end of the building was, + however, still covered in, and stood looking still more frowning, vast, + and gloomy, even than the other part of the edifice. + </p> + <p> + “There is a lodging, certainly,” said Otto to the sentinel, who pointed + towards the castle with his bartizan; “but tell me, good fellow, what are + we to do for a supper?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you,” said the man-at-arms + with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the archers, taking + counsel among themselves, debated whether or not they should take up their + quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice. + </p> + <p> + “We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there,” said young Otto. + “Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant fellows, and I + have heard the garrison is not more than three hundred.” But the rest of + the party thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap one, + and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep ignobly and without + victuals, than dare the assault with Otto, and die, or conquer something + comfortable. + </p> + <p> + One and all then made their way towards the castle. They entered its vast + and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled before them with + hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and passing by a multiplicity of + mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety corridors, at last came to + an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as it was, appeared to be in + rather better condition than the neighboring chambers, and they therefore + selected it as their place of rest for the night. They then tossed up + which should mount guard. The first two hours of watch fell to Otto, who + was to be succeeded by his young though humble friend Wolfgang; and, + accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg, drawing his dirk, began to pace upon + his weary round; while his comrades, by various gradations of snoring, + told how profoundly they slept, spite of their lack of supper. + </p> + <p> + 'Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as he + performed his two hours' watch; what gushing memories poured into his full + soul; what “sweet and bitter” recollections of home inspired his throbbing + heart; and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him up. “Youth is ever + confident,” says the bard. Happy, happy season! The moonlit hours passed + by on silver wings, the twinkling stars looked friendly down upon him. + Confiding in their youthful sentinel, sound slept the valorous + toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back again, marched on the + noble Childe. At length his repeater told him, much to his satisfaction, + that it was half-past eleven, the hour when his watch was to cease; and + so, giving a playful kick to the slumbering Wolfgang, that good-humored + fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing his sword, proceeded to + relieve Otto. + </p> + <p> + The latter laid him down for warmth's sake on the very spot which his + comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep. Realities and visions + then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew which was which. He + dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start; then he went off again; + then woke up again. In one of these half-sleeping moments he thought he + saw a figure, as of a woman in white, gliding into the room, and beckoning + Wolfgang from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At that moment + twelve o'clock clanged from the town, and Otto started up. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <h3> + THE LADY OF WINDECK. + </h3> + <p> + As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer, pacing + on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure. He did not know + whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to him. Her blue, + clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of faultless beauty; + her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue, ere yet the sculptor's + love had given it life. A smile played upon her features, but it was no + warmer than the reflection of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet it was + wondrous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of young Wolfgang. + He stared at the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and distended jaws. She + looked at him with ineffable archness. She lifted one beautifully rounded + alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon him towards her. Did + Wolfgang—the young and lusty Wolfgang—follow? Ask the iron + whether it follows the magnet?—ask the pointer whether it pursues + the partridge through the stubble?—ask the youth whether the + lollipop-shop does not attract him? Wolfgang DID follow. An antique door + opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they saw quite plain; + they passed through the innumerable ancient chambers, and yet they did not + wake any of the owls and bats roosting there. We know not through how many + apartments the young couple passed; but at last they came to one where a + feast was prepared: and on an antique table, covered with massive silver, + covers were laid for two. The lady took her place at one end of the table, + and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to the other seat. He took it. + The table was small, and their knees met. He felt as cold in his legs as + if he were kneeling against an ice-well. + </p> + <p> + “Gallant archer,” said she, “you must be hungry after your day's march. + What supper will you have? Shall it be a delicate lobster-salad? or a dish + of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar's-head and truffles? or a + Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a beefsteak and shallot? or a couple + of rognons a la brochette? Speak, brave bowyer: you have but to order.” + </p> + <p> + As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish, Wolfgang + thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of delicacies to + him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try her with something + extremely rare. + </p> + <p> + “Fair princess,” he said, “I should like very much a pork-chop and some + mashed potatoes.” + </p> + <p> + She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never served, + with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at least six + portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street. + </p> + <p> + When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the cover on + the dish again, and watched him eating with interest. He was for some time + too much occupied with his own food to remark that his companion did not + eat a morsel; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone; the shining + silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with his knife, and, heaving a + great sigh, he confessed a humble desire for something to drink. + </p> + <p> + “Call for what you like, sweet sir,” said the lady, lifting up a silver + filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with gold. + </p> + <p> + “Then,” said Master Wolfgang—for the fellow's tastes were, in sooth, + very humble—“I call for half-and-half.” According to his wish, a + pint of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle, foaming, into + his beaker. + </p> + <p> + Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his conscience it + was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young man felt his appetite + renewed; and it is impossible to say how many different dishes he called + for. Only enchantment, he was afterwards heard to declare (though none of + his friends believed him), could have given him the appetite he possessed + on that extraordinary night. He called for another pork-chop and potatoes, + then for pickled salmon; then he thought he would try a devilled + turkey-wing. “I adore the devil,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “So do I,” said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the dish was + served straightway. It was succeeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted + cheese, and—what was most remarkable—every one of the dishes + which he desired came from under the same silver cover: which + circumstance, when he had partaken of about fourteen different articles, + he began to find rather mysterious. + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” said the pale lady, with a smile, “the mystery is easily accounted + for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW.” But this did not + account for the manner in which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch + (both gin and rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with cucumber + to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from which the lady had + first poured out his pint of half-and-half. + </p> + <p> + “There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio,” said his arch + entertainer, when he put this question to her, “than are dreamt of in your + philosophy:” and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time in such a + state, that he did not find anything wonderful more. + </p> + <p> + “Are you happy, dear youth?” said the lady, as, after his collation, he + sank back in his chair. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, miss, ain't I?” was his interrogative and yet affirmative reply. + </p> + <p> + “Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?” continued the pale + one. + </p> + <p> + “Why, no,” said he; “no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights I + should like oysters.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear youth,” said she, “be but mine, and you may have them all the year + round!” The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise + this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious + company. A person who can offer oysters all the year round can live to no + good purpose. + </p> + <p> + “Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?” said the lady. + </p> + <p> + “Sweet love!” said he, now much excited, “strike up, and I will join the + chorus.” + </p> + <p> + She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. 'Twas a sweet and wild + one. It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on a peasant page; + it told how nought could her love assuage, her suitor's wealth and her + father's rage: it told how the youth did his foes engage; and at length + they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born dame and the peasant + page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled his head, sung wofully out of tune as + the song proceeded; and if he had not been too intoxicated with love and + other excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on the wall, as + the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod and grin to the + music. The song ended. “I am the lady of high lineage: Archer, will you be + the peasant page?” + </p> + <p> + “I'll follow you to the devil!” said Wolfgang. + </p> + <p> + “Come,” replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, “come to the chapel; + we'll be married this minute!” + </p> + <p> + She held out her hand—Wolfgang took it. It was cold, damp,—deadly + cold; and on they went to the chapel. + </p> + <p> + As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman and + lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly down to the + ground, and making the retreating couple a profound curtsy and bow, took + the places which they had left at the table. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading + innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent. As + they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their frames + to follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a bust, frowned in + the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his pedestal would not move; + and several sticking-plaster profiles of the former Lords of Windeck + looked quite black at being, for similar reasons, compelled to keep their + places. However, there was a goodly procession formed behind Wolfgang and + his bride; and by the time they reached the church, they had near a + hundred followers. + </p> + <p> + The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old knights + glittered as they do at Drury Lane. The organ set up of itself to play the + “Bridesmaid's Chorus.” The choir-chairs were filled with people in black. + </p> + <p> + “Come, love,” said the pale lady. + </p> + <p> + “I don't see the parson,” exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself rather + alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the parson! that's the easiest thing in the world! I say, bishop!” + said the lady, stooping down. + </p> + <p> + Stooping down—and to what? Why, upon my word and honor, to a great + brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and on which was + engraven the figure of a bishop—and a very ugly bishop, too—with + crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal + ring. “Do, my dear lord, come and marry us,” said the lady, with a levity + which shocked the feelings of her bridegroom. + </p> + <p> + The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping under a + large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him; while a canon of + the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning and making + fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and . . . . + </p> + <p> + As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the + absence of his companion Wolfgang. The idea he had had, that his friend + disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him more and + more. “I will follow them,” said he; and, calling to the next on the watch + (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his sleep), he rushed away + by the door through which he had seen Wolfgang and his temptress take + their way. + </p> + <p> + That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle was vast, the + chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, and what wonder that, after he + had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe should not be able to + follow in their steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door, and + wandered for at least three hours about the dark enormous solitary castle, + calling out Wolfgang's name to the careless and indifferent echoes, + knocking his young shins against the ruins scattered in the darkness, but + still with a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm resolution to aid his + absent comrade. Brave Otto! thy exertions were rewarded at last! + </p> + <p> + For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had + partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the + picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady's father and mother, were + now sitting at the table. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Bertha has got a husband at last,” said the lady. + </p> + <p> + “After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was quite + time,” said the gentleman. (He was dressed in powder and a pigtail, quite + in the old fashion.) + </p> + <p> + “The husband is no great things,” continued the lady, taking snuff. “A low + fellow, my dear; a butcher's son, I believe. Did you see how the wretch + ate at supper? To think my daughter should have to marry an archer!” + </p> + <p> + “There are archers and archers,” said the old man. “Some archers are + snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are gentlemen by + birth, at least, though not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the Landgrave + of Godesberg's son, who is listening at the door like a lackey, and whom I + intend to run through the—” + </p> + <p> + “Law, Baron!” said the lady. + </p> + <p> + “I will, though,” replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and glaring + round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and that scowl a less + valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the undaunted Childe + advanced at once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a relic of St. + Buffo (the tip of the saint's ear, which had been cut off at + Constantinople). “Fiends! I command you to retreat!” said he, holding up + this sacred charm, which his mamma had fastened on him; and at the sight + of it, with an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the Baroness + sprung back into their picture-frames, as clowns go through a clock in a + pantomime. + </p> + <p> + He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had passed + with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the vast gloomy + chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of the organ in the + chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him towards that + edifice. He rushed to the door: 'twas barred! He knocked: the beadles were + deaf. He applied his inestimable relic to the lock, and—whiz! crash! + clang! bang! whang!—the gate flew open! the organ went off in a + fugue—the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went off towards + the ceiling—the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry and a + scream—the bride howled, and vanished—the fat bishop waddled + back under his brass plate—the dean flounced down into his family + vault—and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual, + on the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his epigram, and + to disappear into the void whence he came. + </p> + <p> + Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless down at + the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when they arrived, + found the two youths. They were resuscitated, as we scarce need say; but + when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale, some + sceptics among the archers said—“Pooh! they were intoxicated!” while + others, nodding their older heads, exclaimed—“THEY HAVE SEEN THE + LADY OF WINDECK!” and recalled the stories of many other young men, who, + inveigled by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and had + disappeared—for ever! + </p> + <p> + This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant preserver; and + the archers—it being now morning, and the cocks crowing lustily + round about—pursued their way without further delay to the castle of + the noble patron of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> + <h3> + THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN. + </h3> + <p> + Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between Windeck + and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a legend and a + ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made to + waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey would be thus + almost interminable, let us cut it short by saying that the travellers + reached Cleves without any further accident, and found the place thronged + with visitors for the meeting next day. + </p> + <p> + And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived, and make + display of antiquarian lore. Now we would represent a cavalcade of knights + arriving, with their pages carrying their shining helms of gold, and the + stout esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive a fat abbot + on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white-robed companions of his + convent. Here should come the gleemen and jonglers, the minstrels, the + mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed, nut-brown + Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs, and leading + in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the vine-lands. Next + we would depict the litters blazoned with armorial bearings, from between + the broidered curtains of which peeped out the swan-like necks and the + haughty faces of the blond ladies of the castles. But for these + descriptions we have not space; and the reader is referred to the account + of the tournament in the ingenious novel of “Ivanhoe,” where the above + phenomena are described at length. Suffice it to say, that Otto and his + companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and, hastening to a hostel, + reposed themselves after the day's march, and prepared them for the + encounter of the morrow. + </p> + <p> + That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and his + comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and arrows, you + may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as were the multitude of + other archers assembled. They were from all neighboring countries—crowds + of English, as you may fancy, armed with Murray's guide-books, troops of + chattering Frenchmen, Frankfort Jews with roulette-tables, and Tyrolese, + with gloves and trinkets—all hied towards the field where the butts + were set up, and the archery practice was to be held. The Childe and his + brother archers were, it need not be said, early on the ground. + </p> + <p> + But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman's emotion when, + preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and other wind + instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his + daughter? And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do justice to the + beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm which decorates the person, + every virtue which ornaments the mind, every accomplishment which renders + charming mind and charming person doubly charming, and then you will have + but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her Highness the Princess + Helen. Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know not with what justice) + Rowland's Kalydor imparts to the users of that cosmetic; fancy teeth to + which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals; eyes, which were so blue, + tender, and bright, that while they run you through with their lustre, + they healed you with their kindness; a neck and waist, so ravishingly + slender and graceful, that the least that is said about them the better; a + foot which fell upon the flowers no heavier than a dew-drop—and this + charming person set off by the most elegant toilet that ever milliner + devised! The lovely Helen's hair (which was as black as the finest varnish + for boots) was so long, that it was borne on a cushion several yards + behind her by the maidens of her train; and a hat, set off with + moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles, birds-of-paradise, gold lace, and pink + ribbon, gave her a distingue air, which would have set the editor of the + Morning Post mad with love. + </p> + <p> + It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg, as + leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and gazed on + her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both + of them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding to the cheek of + either. A simultaneous throb beat in those young hearts! They loved each + other for ever from that instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged, + enraptured, leaning on his ivory bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden for + her pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to hide + her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones! I am old now; but not so + old but that I kindle at the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too has + lived and loved. Heigho! + </p> + <p> + Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated the + Princess and the stout old lord, her father? Who is he whose hair is of + the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a nose, are + perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back and a hideous + mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yellow odious + teeth. Although he wears a sky-blue doublet laced with silver, it only + serves to render his vulgar punchy figure doubly ridiculous; although his + nether garment is of salmon-colored velvet, it only draws the more + attention to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and bandy. A + rose-colored hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks absurd on + his bull-head; and though it is time of peace, the wretch is armed with a + multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres, and scimitars, + which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. 'Tis the terrible + Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein. Report says he is + a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen. He addresses various speeches + of gallantry to her, and grins hideously as he thrusts his disgusting head + over her lily shoulder. But she turns away from him! turns and shudders—ay, + as she would at a black dose! + </p> + <p> + Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. “What is the prize?” + asks one archer of another. There are two prizes—a velvet cap, + embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of + enormous value. Both lie on cushions before her. + </p> + <p> + “I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize,” says a swarthy, + savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules on a black + shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz. + </p> + <p> + “Which, fellow?” says Otto, turning fiercely upon him. + </p> + <p> + “The chain, to be sure!” says the leering archer. “You do not suppose I am + such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?” Otto laughed in + scorn, and began to prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed that + the sports were about to commence. + </p> + <p> + Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already been done in the + novel of “Ivanhoe” before mentioned. Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln + green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit, + some missed; those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of the + multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new trials of skill; but it + was easy to see, from the first, that the battle lay between Squintoff + (the Rowski archer) and the young hero with the golden hair and the ivory + bow. Squintoff's fame as a marksman was known throughout Europe; but who + was his young competitor? Ah? there was ONE heart in the assembly that + beat most anxiously to know. 'Twas Helen's. + </p> + <p> + The crowning trial arrived. The bull's eye of the target, set up at + three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so small, that it + required a very clever man indeed to see, much more to hit it; and as + Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Rowski flung a + purse of gold towards his archer, saying—“Squintoff, an ye win the + prize, the purse is thine.” “I may as well pocket it at once, your honor,” + said the bowman with a sneer at Otto. “This young chick, who has been + lucky as yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that.” And, taking his aim, + Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the + bull's-eye. + </p> + <p> + “Can you mend that, young springald?” said he, as a shout rent the air at + his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion of her secret + heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the Rowski's + money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg. + </p> + <p> + “Has anybody got a pea?” asked the lad. Everybody laughed at his droll + request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the crowd, handed + him the vegetable which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto, + stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his arrow from the + bull's-eye, and placed in the orifice made by the steel point of the + shaft, the pea which he had received from the old woman. He then came back + to his place. As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by emotion, + that 'twas thought she would have fainted. Never, never had she seen a + being so beautiful as the young hero now before her. + </p> + <p> + He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clusters of hair from his + bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled on his cheek, + from which the barber's weapon had never shorn the down. He took his bow, + and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself lightly on his + right leg, he flung himself forward, raising his left leg on a level with + his ear. He looked like Apollo, as he stood balancing himself there. He + discharged his dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the blue air—whiz! + </p> + <p> + “HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!” said the Princess, and fainted. The Rowski, with + one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while with the other he + levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to level anything) a furious + glance at his archer. + </p> + <p> + The archer swore a sulky oath. “He is the better man!” said he. “I + suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?” + </p> + <p> + “The gold chain?” said Otto. “Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked by that + august hand? Never!” And advancing to the balcony where the Princess, who + now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before her, and received + the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet as the cap itself, the Princess + Helen placed on his golden ringlets. Once more their eyes met—their + hearts thrilled. They had never spoken, but they knew they loved each + other for ever. + </p> + <p> + “Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?” said that + individual to the youth. “Thou shalt be captain of my archers in place of + yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome.” + </p> + <p> + “Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer,” replied Otto, + haughtily; “and I will NOT take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz.” + </p> + <p> + “Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?” said the father + of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the haughtiness of the + humble archer. + </p> + <p> + “I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY,” said Otto, bowing + low. He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word family. Helen + knew what he meant. SHE was the family. In fact her mother was no more, + and her papa had no other offspring. + </p> + <p> + “What is thy name, good fellow,” said the Prince, “that my steward may + enroll thee?” + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” said Otto, again blushing, “I am OTTO THE ARCHER.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. + </h2> + <h3> + THE MARTYR OF LOVE. + </h3> + <p> + The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a handsome + dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which his friend + distinguished himself as usual in the eating and drinking department. + Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to attend; so great was the envy of + the brute at the youthful hero's superiority. As for Otto himself, he sat + on the right hand of the chairman; but it was remarked that he could not + eat. Gentle reader of my page! thou knowest why full well. He was too much + in love to have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring under that + passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet remember our + Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry when they're in + love. + </p> + <p> + The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in the corps + of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his attached squire, + who vowed he never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own elegant + dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves, the noble Childe + sighed not a little. 'Twas a splendid uniform 'tis true, but still it WAS + a livery, and one of his proud spirit ill bears another's cognizances. + “They are the colors of the Princess, however,” said he, consoling + himself; “and what suffering would I not undergo for HER?” As for + Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured, + low-born fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to exchange + for the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and + orange-tawny hat, with which the Duke's steward supplied him, the homely + patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past. + </p> + <p> + “Look at you two archers,” said the Prince of Cleves to his guest, the + Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the battlements after + dinner, smoking their cigars as usual. His Highness pointed to our two + young friends, who were mounting guard for the first time. “See yon two + bowmen—mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat thy Squintoff, + and t'other, an I mistake not, won the third prize at the butts. Both wear + the same uniform—the colors of my house—yet wouldst not swear + that the one was but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman?” + </p> + <p> + “Which looks like the nobleman?” said the Rowski, as black as thunder. + </p> + <p> + “WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure,” said the Princess Helen, eagerly. + The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence of disliking the + odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski's proffered arm, and was + loitering behind with her parasol. + </p> + <p> + Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black and + jealous Rowski more ill-humored. “How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves,” + said he, “that the churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear + the ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear ringlets such as + yon springald's? Ho, archer!” roared he, “come, hither, fellow.” And Otto + stood before him. As he came, and presenting arms stood respectfully + before the Prince and his savage guest, he looked for one moment at the + lovely Helen—their eyes met, their hearts beat simultaneously: and, + quick, two little blushes appeared in the cheek of either. I have seen one + ship at sea answering another's signal so. + </p> + <p> + While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our readers of + the great estimation in which the hair was held in the North. Only nobles + were permitted to wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a shaving + was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains or vassals who + sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus de Nobilitate + Capillari; Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart; Fresirische + Alterthumskunde, &c. + </p> + <p> + “We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow,” said the Duke of + Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of his gallant + recruit. “'Tis against the regulation cut of my archer guard.” + </p> + <p> + “Cut off my hair!” cried Otto, agonized. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel,” roared Donnerblitz. + </p> + <p> + “Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein,” said the Duke with dignity: “let the + Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms. And you, young + sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger.” + </p> + <p> + Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent to + plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings overcame + him. “The count need not fear, my lord,” said he: “a lady is present.” And + he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah! what a pang shot + through the heart of Helen, as she thought that those lovely ringlets must + be shorn from that beautiful head! + </p> + <p> + Otto's mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a gentleman—let + us add, his pride as a man—for who is not, let us ask, proud of a + good head of hair?—waged war within his soul. He expostulated with + the Prince. “It was never in my contemplation,” he said, “on taking + service, to undergo the operation of hair-cutting.” + </p> + <p> + “Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer,” said the Prince pettishly. “I + will have no churls imitating noblemen in my service: I will bandy no + conditions with archers of my guard.” + </p> + <p> + “My resolve is taken,” said Otto, irritated too in his turn. “I will . . . + . ” + </p> + <p> + “What?” cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation. + </p> + <p> + “I will STAY,” answered Otto. The poor girl almost fainted with joy. The + Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in + the horrible German jargon, stalked away. “So be it,” said the Prince of + Cleves, taking his daughter's arm—“and here comes Snipwitz, my + barber, who shall do the business for you.” With this the Prince too moved + on, feeling in his heart not a little compassion for the lad; for Adolf of + Cleves had been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the ornament + of which he was now depriving his archer. + </p> + <p> + Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there—in a word—operated + upon him. The golden curls—fair curls that his mother had so often + played with!—fell under the shears and round the lad's knees, until + he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams. + </p> + <p> + When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the little + chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it as cropped as a + charity-boy. + </p> + <p> + See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!—And no + wonder. He was thinking what would be Helen's opinion of him, now that one + of his chief personal ornaments was gone. “Will she know me?” thought he; + “will she love me after this hideous mutilation?” + </p> + <p> + Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to be + seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young gentleman + had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to + natural despondency; when he saw something which instantly restored him to + good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming towards the chamber where the + odious barber had performed upon him,—coming forward timidly, + looking round her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation,—and + presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she entered the + apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what was Otto's joy when he saw her + pick up a beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and + then hide it in her bosom! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen did + when she came out after performing this feat. Then she hurried straightway + to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose first impulse was to + come out from his hiding-place, and, falling at her feet, call heaven and + earth to witness to his passion, with difficulty restrained his feelings + and let her pass: but the love-stricken young hero was so delighted with + this evident proof of reciprocated attachment, that all regret at losing + his ringlets at once left him, and he vowed he would sacrifice not only + his hair, but his head, if need were, to do her service. + </p> + <p> + That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in the + castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of + Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage. He went away in the + greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud conversation with the + Prince. As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking rather + demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gathered his attendants in + the court, and there mounted his charger, the Rowski ordered his trumpets + to sound, and scornfully flung a largesse of gold among the servitors and + men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were marshalled in the court. + “Farewell, Sir Prince,” said he to his host: “I quit you now suddenly; but + remember, it is not my last visit to the Castle of Cleves.” And ordering + his band to play “See the Conquering Hero comes,” he clattered away + through the drawbridge. The Princess Helen was not present at his + departure; and the venerable Prince of Cleves looked rather moody and + chap-fallen when his guest left him. He visited all the castle defences + pretty accurately that night, and inquired of his officers the state of + the ammunition, provisions, &c. He said nothing; but the Princess + Helen's maid did: and everybody knew that the Rowski had made his + proposals, had been rejected, and, getting up in a violent fury, had + called for his people, and sworn by his great gods that he would not enter + the castle again until he rode over the breach, lance in hand, the + conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it. + </p> + <p> + No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the news: for + everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid and powerful + soldiers in all Germany,—one of the most skilful generals. Generous + to extravagance to his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy: a + hundred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised by him in + several towns and castles which he had captured and sacked. And poor Helen + had the pain of thinking, that in consequence of her refusal she was + dooming all the men, women, and children of the principality to + indiscriminate and horrible slaughter. + </p> + <p> + The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days dreadful + confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy Prince of Cleves was taking his + dinner (though the honest warrior had had little appetite for that meal + for some time past), when trumpets were heard at the gate; and presently + the herald of the Rowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on which the + arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the dining-hall. A page bore a + steel gauntlet on a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on his head. The + Prince of Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to the chair of + state where the sovereign sat. + </p> + <p> + “Silence for Bleu Sanglier,” cried the Prince, gravely. “Say your say, Sir + Herald.” + </p> + <p> + “In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz, + Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt, and + Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman Empire—to + you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier, bring war + and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or twenty to twenty in field or + in fort, on plain or on mountain, the noble Rowski defies you. Here, or + wherever he shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death between you and + him. In token whereof, here is his glove.” And taking the steel glove from + the page, Bleu Boar flung it clanging on the marble floor. + </p> + <p> + The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good + assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise the + Rowski's; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him, on his + knee. + </p> + <p> + “Boteler, fill my goblet,” said the Prince to that functionary, who, + clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a napkin on his + dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master's chair. The goblet was + filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a precious golden hanap + carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Florentine. + </p> + <p> + “Drink, Bleu Sanglier,” said the Prince, “and put the goblet in thy bosom. + Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake.” And so saying, Prince Adolf + flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald's neck. “An invitation + to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves.” So saying, and + bidding his people take good care of Bleu Sanglier's retinue, the Prince + left the hall with his daughter. All were marvelling at his dignity, + courage, and generosity. + </p> + <p> + But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far from + tranquil. He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the reign of + Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death in + three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two + hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were assailing it. + Those deeds which had made the heir of Cleves famous were done thirty + years syne. A free liver since he had come into his principality, and of a + lazy turn, he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made him in + youth so famous a champion, and indolence had borne its usual fruits. He + tried his old battle-sword—that famous blade with which, in + Palestine, he had cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split asunder + the skull of the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could scarcely + now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armor. It was too tight + for him. And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found he could not + buckle it. Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible Rowski in + single combat. + </p> + <p> + Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the field. The + Prince's territories were small; his vassals proverbially lazy and + peaceable; his treasury empty. The dismallest prospects were before him: + and he passed a sleepless night writing to his friends for succor, and + calculating with his secretary the small amount of the resources which he + could bring to aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy. + </p> + <p> + Helen's pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber. She lay awake + thinking of Otto,—thinking of the danger and the ruin her refusal to + marry had brought upon her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but HIS waking + thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble Childe thought how he should + defend the Princess, and win LOS and honor in the ensuing combat. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE CHAMPION. + </h3> + <p> + And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his castle for + the threatened siege. He gathered in all the available cattle round the + property, and the pigs round many miles; and a dreadful slaughter of + horned and snouted animals took place,—the whole castle resounding + with the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the gruntlings, destined to + provide food for the garrison. These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of + course, would not allow of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,) + the lovely Helen, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted and + pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying for + the same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit, or + occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage, who + brought in wheat without money or credit either. The charming Princess, + amidst the intervals of her labors, went about encouraging the garrison, + who vowed to a man they would die for a single sweet smile of hers; and in + order to make their inevitable sufferings as easy as possible to the + gallant fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a plenty of + efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint to bind their + warriors' wounds withal. All the fortifications were strengthened; the + fosses carefully filled with spikes and water; large stones placed over + the gates, convenient to tumble on the heads of the assaulting parties; + and caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up pitch, brimstone, boiling + oil, &c., wherewith hospitably to receive them. Having the keenest eye + in the whole garrison, young Otto was placed on the topmost tower, to + watch for the expected coming of the beleaguering host. + </p> + <p> + They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining spears were seen + glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon made its + appearance in battle's magnificently stern array. The tents of the + renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot of + the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when his army had taken up its + position, an officer with a flag of truce and a trumpet was seen advancing + to the castle gate. It was the same herald who had previously borne his + master's defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once more to the castle + gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count of Eulenschreckenstein was + in arms without, ready to do battle with the Prince of Cleves, or his + champion; that he would remain in arms for three days, ready for combat. + If no man met him at the end of that period, he would deliver an assault, + and would give quarter to no single soul in the garrison. So saying, the + herald nailed his lord's gauntlet on the castle gate. As before, the + Prince flung him over another glove from the wall; though how he was to + defend himself from such a warrior, or get a champion, or resist the + pitiless assault that must follow, the troubled old nobleman knew not in + the least. + </p> + <p> + The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of + wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if they would + raise her up a defender. + </p> + <p> + But how did the noble girl's heart sink—how were her notions of the + purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread intelligence + which reached her the next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski! At + roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she principally relied—he + whom her fond heart had singled out as her champion, had proved faithless! + Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolfgang, had gone with + him. A rope was found dangling from the casement of their chamber, and + they must have swum the moat and passed over to the enemy in the darkness + of the previous night. “A pretty lad was this fair-spoken archer of + thine!” said the Prince her father to her; “and a pretty kettle of fish + hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers.” She retired weeping to her + apartment. Never before had that young heart felt so wretched. + </p> + <p> + That morning, at nine o'clock, as they were going to breakfast, the + Rowski's trumpets sounded. Clad in complete armor, and mounted on his + enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly up + and down in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a champion. + </p> + <p> + Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of + defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth challenging + the combat. The first day passed, and there was no answer to his summons. + The second day came and went, but no champion had risen to defend. The + taunt of his shrill clarion remained without answer; and the sun went down + upon the wretchedest father and daughter in all the land of Christendom. + </p> + <p> + The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and an + hour before sunset. The third day came, but with it brought no hope. The + first and second summons met no response. At five o'clock the old Prince + called his daughter and blessed her. “I go to meet this Rowski,” said he. + “It may be we shall meet no more, my Helen—my child—the + innocent cause of all this grief. If I shall fall to-night the Rowski's + victim, 'twill be that life is nothing without honor.” And so saying, he + put into her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so + soon as the terrible champion had carried the castle by storm. + </p> + <p> + This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father retired to + his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet. It had borne the + shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was now so tight as almost to + choke the knightly wearer. + </p> + <p> + The last trumpet sounded—tantara! tantara!—its shrill call + rang over the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer. Again!—but + when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an awful silence. + “Farewell, my child,” said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his + battle-saddle. “Remember the dagger. Hark! the trumpet sounds for the + third time. Open, warders! Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard + the right.” + </p> + <p> + But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet to his + lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of another clarion!—a + distant note at first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in brilliant + variations, the full rich notes of the “Huntsman's Chorus” came clearly + over the breeze; and a thousand voices of the crowd gazing over the gate + exclaimed, “A champion! a champion!” + </p> + <p> + And, indeed, a champion HAD come. Issuing from the forest came a knight + and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant cream-colored + Arabian of prodigious power—the squire mounted on an unpretending + gray cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength and + sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet, through the bars of his + helmet; the knight's visor was completely down. A small prince's coronet + of gold, from which rose three pink ostrich-feathers, marked the warrior's + rank: his blank shield bore no cognizance. As gracefully poising his lance + he rode into the green space where the Rowski's tents were pitched, the + hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor Prince of Cleves, + especially, had considerable doubts about his new champion. “So slim a + figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz,” said he, moodily, to + his daughter; “but whoever he be, the fellow puts a good face on it, and + rides like a man. See, he has touched the Rowski's shield with the point + of his lance! By St. Bendigo, a perilous venture!” + </p> + <p> + The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as the + Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his daughter + stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the + Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to the + lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and waited for the foe. + His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat there, motionless, on his + cream-colored steed. He looked like one of those fairy knights one has + read of—one of those celestial champions who decided so many + victories before the invention of gun powder. + </p> + <p> + The Rowski's horse was speedily brought to the door of his pavilion; and + that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of magnificent brass armor, + clattered into his saddle. Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled over + his helmet, which was farther ornamented by two huge horns of the aurochs. + His lance was painted white and red, and he whirled the prodigious beam in + the air and caught it with savage glee. He laughed when he saw the slim + form of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to meet the coming battle. + He dug his spurs into the enormous horse he rode: the enormous horse + snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce pleasure. He jerked and curveted + him with a brutal playfulness, and after a few minutes' turning and + wheeling, during which everybody had leisure to admire the perfection of + his equitation, he cantered round to a point exactly opposite his enemy, + and pulled up his impatient charger. + </p> + <p> + The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that he + seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should his slim + champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. “Go it!” + said he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch; and at the word, the two + warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each other. + </p> + <p> + And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like that of + her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do justice to the + terrific theme. You have seen two engines on the Great Western line rush + past each other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two warriors + gallop towards one another; the feathers of either streamed yards behind + their backs as they converged. Their shock as they met was as that of two + cannon-balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with the concussion; + the lance aimed at the Rowski's helmet bore off the coronet, the horns, + the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible distance: a piece of + the Rowski's left ear was carried off on the point of the nameless + warrior's weapon. How had he fared? His adversary's weapon had glanced + harmless along the blank surface of his polished buckler; and the victory + so far was with him. + </p> + <p> + The expression of the Rowski's face, as, bareheaded, he glared on his + enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a demon. The + imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never be copied by a + feminine pen. + </p> + <p> + His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the opportunity + thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting his opponent's skull + with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his starting-place, bent his + lance's point to the ground, in token that he would wait until the Count + of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted afresh. + </p> + <p> + “Blessed Bendigo!” cried the Prince, “thou art a gallant lance: but why + didst not rap the Schelm's brain out?” + </p> + <p> + “Bring me a fresh helmet!” yelled the Rowski. Another casque was brought + to him by his trembling squire. + </p> + <p> + As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from his + side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of battle. The + unknown knight's sword was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the two + blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the combat! + </p> + <p> + The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity. It + whirled round his adversary's head with frightful rapidity. Now it carried + away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of his coronet. The + flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly upon the corn. For many + minutes it was the Unknown's only task to defend himself from the + tremendous activity of the enemy. + </p> + <p> + But even the Rowski's strength would slacken after exertion. The blows + began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown knight began + to make dreadful play. It found and penetrated every joint of the + Donnerblitz's armor. Now it nicked him in the shoulder where the vambrace + was buckled to the corselet; now it bored a shrewd hole under the light + brissart, and blood followed; now, with fatal dexterity, it darted through + the visor, and came back to the recover deeply tinged with blood. A scream + of rage followed the last thrust; and no wonder:—it had penetrated + the Rowski's left eye. + </p> + <p> + His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost choking in + his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and rage. Gasping with + fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great sword at his opponent's + head, and once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe. + </p> + <p> + Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same dreadful + weapon! Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began the attack; and + the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like a + thunderbolt! “Yield! yield! Sir Rowski,” shouted he, in a calm, clear + voice. + </p> + <p> + A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. 'Twas the last blow that the + Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle! The curse was on his + lips as the crushing steel descended into his brain, and split it in two. + He rolled like a log from his horse: his enemy's knee was in a moment on + his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat, as the knight once more + called upon him to yield. + </p> + <p> + But there was no answer from within the helmet. When it was withdrawn, the + teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should have spoken, grinned a + ghastly silence: one eye still glared with hate and fury, but it was + glazed with the film of death! + </p> + <p> + The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine. The unknown + knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful obeisance to + the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back + into the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE MARRIAGE. + </h3> + <p> + The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily sent + all his camp-followers, army, &c. to the right-about. They struck + their tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each man laying + hold of what he could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched + under his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the sun rose. + </p> + <p> + On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of Cleves + were not shut. Everybody was free to come in. Wine-butts were broached in + all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege was + distributed among the people, who crowded to congratulate their beloved + sovereign on his victory; and the Prince, as was customary with that good + man, who never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party, had a + splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes, the whole + concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks. + </p> + <p> + In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of Hombourg + arrived at the castle. The stalwart old warrior swore by Saint Bugo that + he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been taken out of his hand. + The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Hombourg could never have + finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the unknown knight had just + done. + </p> + <p> + But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of these two + old nobles. How to find him—how to reward the champion and restorer + of the honor and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that he + should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent round the principal + cities within fifty miles, and the description of the knight advertised, + in the Journal de Francfort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the + Princess Helen was solemnly offered to him in these advertisements, with + the reversion of the Prince of Cleves's splendid though somewhat + dilapidated property. + </p> + <p> + “But we don't know him, my dear papa,” faintly ejaculated that young lady. + “Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and pretend that he was + the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults + certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget); and how are + you to say whether he is the real knight or not? There are so many + deceivers in this world,” added the Princess, in tears, “that one can't be + too cautious now.” The fact is, that she was thinking of the desertion of + Otto in the morning; by which instance of faithlessness her heart was + wellnigh broken. + </p> + <p> + As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of + everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers' mess that night, + as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both of meat and + drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades began to describe + the events of the day, and the admirable achievements of the unknown + warrior; and turning into their hammocks, did not appear on parade in the + morning until twenty minutes after the names were called. + </p> + <p> + When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he was in + a towering passion. “Where were you, fellows,” shouted he, “during the + time my castle was at its utmost need?” + </p> + <p> + Otto replied, “We were out on particular business.” + </p> + <p> + “Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?” exclaimed the + Prince. “You know the reward of such—Death! and death you merit. But + you are a soldier only of yesterday, and yesterday's victory has made me + merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit—only flogged, both + of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give + these scoundrels five hundred apiece.” + </p> + <p> + You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information was + thus abruptly conveyed to him. “Flog ME!” cried he. “Flog Otto of—” + </p> + <p> + “Not so, my father,” said the Princess Helen, who had been standing by + during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the while with the + most ineffable scorn. “Not so: although these PERSONS have forgotten their + duty” (she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word persons), + “we have had no need of their services, and have luckily found OTHERS more + faithful. You promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the pardon of + these two PERSONS. Let them go, and quit a service they have disgraced; a + mistress—that is, a master—they have deceived.” + </p> + <p> + “Drum 'em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from their + backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again.” So saying, the old + Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two young men + to the fun and derision of their surrounding comrades. + </p> + <p> + The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the + ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what was + the row? Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly; but the + Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclamations of + joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to his manly breast, + kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst into tears as he embraced + him. For, in sooth, the good Count had thought his godson long ere this at + the bottom of the silver Rhine. + </p> + <p> + The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window, (to + invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this strange scene + from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker likewise, with breathless and + beautiful agitation. The old Count and the archer strolled up and down the + battlements in deep conversation. By the gestures of surprise and delight + exhibited by the former, 'twas easy to see the young archer was conveying + some very strange and pleasing news to him; though the nature of the + conversation was not allowed to transpire. + </p> + <p> + “A godson of mine,” said the noble Count, when interrogated over his + muffins. “I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace; ran away; + parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay,” and so + forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his tale in this brief, + artless manner. But why, at its conclusion, did the gentle Helen leave the + room, her eyes filled with tears? She left the room once more to kiss a + certain lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling, delicious + thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul! + </p> + <p> + When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries regarding + Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women); but he was gone. + He and his companion were gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken + his departure, under pretext of particular business. How lonely the vast + castle seemed to Helen, now that HE was no longer there. The transactions + of the last few days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer from the Rowski + (always an event in a young lady's life); the siege of the castle; the + death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a fevered dream to her: + all was passed away, and had left no trace behind. No trace?—yes! + one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over which the young + creature wept so much that she put it out of curl; passing hours and hours + in the summer-house, where the operation had been performed. + </p> + <p> + On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a consumption + and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a day longer,) a + messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste to the Prince of + Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment. “To the High and Mighty + Prince,” &c. the letter ran. “The Champion who had the honor of + engaging on Wednesday last with his late Excellency the Rowski of + Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves. + Through the medium of the public prints the C. has been made acquainted + with the flattering proposal of His Serene Highness relative to a union + between himself (the Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess Helen + of Cleves. The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite invitation, and + will have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and Princess of Cleves + about half an hour after the receipt of this letter.” + </p> + <p> + “Tol lol de rol, girl,” shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy. (Have you + not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and on the stage, joy + is announced by the above burst of insensate monosyllables?) “Tol lol de + rol. Don thy best kirtle, child; thy husband will be here anon.” And Helen + retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event in the life of a young + woman. When she returned, attired to welcome her defender, her young cheek + was as pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs she wore. + </p> + <p> + She was scarce seated on the dais by her father's side, when a huge + flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE CHAMPION. + Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary to restore her + tranquillity. + </p> + <p> + The great door was flung open. He entered,—the same tall warrior, + slim, and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. He approached the Prince's + throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in armor. He knelt + gracefully on one knee. + </p> + <p> + “I come,” said he in a voice trembling with emotion, “to claim, as per + advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen.” And he held out a copy + of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Art thou noble, Sir Knight?” asked the Prince of Cleves. + </p> + <p> + “As noble as yourself,” answered the kneeling steel. + </p> + <p> + “Who answers for thee?” + </p> + <p> + “I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!” said the knight on the right + hand, lifting up his visor. + </p> + <p> + “And I—Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!” said the knight on + the left, doing likewise. + </p> + <p> + The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen. + </p> + <p> + “I KNEW IT WAS,” said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer. + </p> + <p> + But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell ye. In + a very few days after, a great marriage took place at Cleves under the + patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the + marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove off + in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissingen. The Lady + Theodora, whom we left locked up in her convent a long while since, was + prevailed upon to come back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to her + husband. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son, and spoiled + all her little grandchildren. And so all are happy, and my simple tale is + done. + </p> + <p> + I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library. 'Twas + written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas; but 'tis + probable that he stole it from some other, and that the other had filched + it from a former tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun. Things die + and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgotten tale of the great + Dumas reappears under the signature of + </p> + <p> + THERESA MACWHIRTER. + </p> + <p> + WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + REBECCA AND ROWENA. + </h2> + <h3> + A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE. + </h3> + <p> + BY MR. MICHAEL ANGELO TITMARSH. <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> + <h3> + THE OVERTURE.—COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUSINESS. + </h3> + <p> + Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance, assuredly it + has often occurred to every one of you, that the books we delight in have + very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite prematurely with page 320 + of the third volume. At that epoch of the history it is well known that + the hero is seldom more than thirty years old, and the heroine by + consequence some seven or eight years younger; and I would ask any of you + whether it is fair to suppose that people after the above age have nothing + worthy of note in their lives, and cease to exist as they drive away from + Saint George's, Hanover Square? You, dear young ladies, who get your + knowledge of life from the circulating library, may be led to imagine that + when the marriage business is done, and Emilia is whisked off in the new + travelling-carriage, by the side of the enraptured Earl; or Belinda, + breaking away from the tearful embraces of her excellent mother, dries her + own lovely eyes upon the throbbing waistcoat of her bridegroom—you + may be apt, I say, to suppose that all is over then; that Emilia and the + Earl are going to be happy for the rest of their lives in his lordship's + romantic castle in the North, and Belinda and her young clergyman to enjoy + uninterrupted bliss in their rose-trellised parsonage in the West of + England: but some there be among the novel-reading classes—old + experienced folks—who know better than this. Some there be who have + been married, and found that they have still something to see and to do, + and to suffer mayhap; and that adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and + taxes, and sunrises and settings, and the business and joys and griefs of + life go on after, as before the nuptial ceremony. + </p> + <p> + Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes of + hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by to the + two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife; and I have + often wished that additions should be made to all works of fiction which + have been brought to abrupt terminations in the manner described; and that + we should hear what occurs to the sober married man, as well as to the + ardent bachelor; to the matron, as well as to the blushing spinster. And + in this respect I admire (and would desire to imitate,) the noble and + prolific French author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from early + youth down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them rest until + they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should get a little + peace and quiet. A hero is much too valuable a gentleman to be put upon + the retired list, in the prime and vigor of his youth; and I wish to know + what lady among us would like to be put on the shelf, and thought no + longer interesting, because she has a family growing up, and is four or + five and thirty years of age? I have known ladies at sixty, with hearts as + tender and ideas as romantic as any young misses of sixteen. Let us have + middle-aged novels then, as well as your extremely juvenile legends: let + the young ones be warned that the old folks have a right to be + interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart, although she is + somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a man his feelings, + although he gets his hair from Truefitt's. + </p> + <p> + Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most illustrious + personages of romance should be continued by fitting hands, and that they + should be heard of, until at least a decent age.—Look at Mr. James's + heroes: they invariably marry young. Look at Mr. Dickens's: they disappear + from the scene when they are mere chits. I trust these authors, who are + still alive, will see the propriety of telling us something more about + people in whom we took a considerable interest, and who must be at present + strong and hearty, and in the full vigor of health and intellect. And in + the tales of the great Sir Walter (may honor be to his name), I am sure + there are a number of people who are untimely carried away from us, and of + whom we ought to hear more. + </p> + <p> + My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind, been + one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so admirable, so + tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear altogether before such + another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen-headed creature, who is, in my + humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe, and unworthy of her place as heroine. + Had both of them got their rights, it ever seemed to me that Rebecca would + have had the husband, and Rowena would have gone off to a convent and shut + herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken the trouble of + inquiring for her. + </p> + <p> + But after all she married Ivanhoe. What is to be done? There is no help + for it. There it is in black and white at the end of the third volume of + Sir Walter Scott's chronicle, that the couple were joined together in + matrimony. And must the Disinherited Knight, whose blood has been fired by + the suns of Palestine, and whose heart has been warmed in the company of + the tender and beautiful Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the side + of such a frigid piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim, + niminy-piminy Rowena? Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice! There is + a simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their due, + which is here submitted to the novel-reader. Ivanhoe's history MUST have + had a continuation; and it is this which ensues. I may be wrong in some + particulars of the narrative,—as what writer will not be?—but + of the main incidents of the history, I have in my own mind no sort of + doubt, and confidently submit them to that generous public which likes to + see virtue righted, true love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy descend + out of the blazing chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make Harlequin + and Columbine happy. What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and ladies; and + if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping in and out of + endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting scenes, no fairy + comes down to make US comfortable at the close of the performance? Ah! let + us give our honest novel-folks the benefit of their position, and not be + envious of their good luck. + </p> + <p> + No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as the + famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt for a moment + what was the result of the marriage between Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe and + Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her conduct during her maidenhood, her + distinguished politeness, her spotless modesty of demeanor, her + unalterable coolness under all circumstances, and her lofty and + gentlewomanlike bearing, must be sure that her married conduct would equal + her spinster behavior, and that Rowena the wife would be a pattern of + correctness for all the matrons of England. + </p> + <p> + Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for piety was + known. Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy and monks of the + district, whom she fed with the richest viands, while she pinched herself + upon pulse and water. There was not an invalid in the three Ridings, Saxon + or Norman, but the palfrey of the Lady Rowena might be seen journeying to + his door, in company with Father Glauber, her almoner, and Brother Thomas + of Epsom, her leech. She lighted up all the churches in Yorkshire with + wax-candles, the offerings of her piety. The bells of her chapel began to + ring at two o'clock in the morning; and all the domestics of Rotherwood + were called upon to attend at matins, at complins, at nones, at vespers, + and at sermon. I need not say that fasting was observed with all the + rigors of the Church; and that those of the servants of the Lady Rowena + were looked upon with most favor whose hair-shirts were the roughest, and + who flagellated themselves with the most becoming perseverance. + </p> + <p> + Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or cooled + his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy fool in + England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the shuddering poor + servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below the salt, it was such + a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to laugh at the innuendoes of the + unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile was the best applause he could muster. + Once, indeed, when Guffo, the goose-boy (a half-witted poor wretch), + laughed outright at a lamentably stale pun which Wamba palmed upon him at + supper-time, (it was dark, and the torches being brought in, Wamba said, + “Guffo, they can't see their way in the argument, and are going TO THROW A + LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,”) the Lady Rowena, being disturbed in a + theological controversy with Father Willibald, (afterwards canonized as + St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit and confessor,) called out to know + what was the cause of the unseemly interruption, and Guffo and Wamba being + pointed out as the culprits, ordered them straightway into the court-yard, + and three dozen to be administered to each of them. + </p> + <p> + “I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle,” said poor Wamba, piteously, + appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, “and canst thou not save me from the + lash?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf's castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH THE + JEWESS IN THE TOWER!” said Rowena, haughtily replying to the timid appeal + of her husband. “Gurth, give him four dozen!” + </p> + <p> + And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of his + master. + </p> + <p> + In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the royal + blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort, could scarcely + call his life his own, and was made, in all things, to feel the + inferiority of his station. And which of us is there acquainted with the + sex that has not remarked this propensity in lovely woman, and how often + the wisest in the council are made to be as fools at HER board, and the + boldest in the battle-field are craven when facing her distaff? + </p> + <p> + “Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower,” was a remark, + too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader will understand, + the significancy. When the daughter of Isaac of York brought her diamonds + and rubies—the poor gentle victim!—and, meekly laying them at + the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed into foreign lands to tend the + sick of her people, and to brood over the bootless passion which consumed + her own pure heart, one would have thought that the heart of the royal + lady would have melted before such beauty and humility, and that she would + have been generous in the moment of her victory. + </p> + <p> + But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being + handsome and more love-worthy than herself? The Lady Rowena did certainly + say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, “Come and live with me + as a sister,” as the former part of this history shows; but Rebecca knew + in her heart that her ladyship's proposition was what is called BOSH (in + that noble Eastern language with which Wilfrid the Crusader was familiar), + or fudge, in plain Saxon; and retired with a broken, gentle spirit, + neither able to bear the sight of her rival's happiness, nor willing to + disturb it by the contrast of her own wretchedness. Rowena, like the most + high-bred and virtuous of women, never forgave Isaac's daughter her + beauty, nor her flirtation with Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term + it); nor, above all, her admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena + was actually in possession of them. + </p> + <p> + In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe's teeth. There was + not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made to remember that a + Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and that a Christian lady of + fashion could never forgive the insult. For instance, if Gurth, the + swineherd, who was now promoted to be a gamekeeper and verderer, brought + the account of a famous wild-boar in the wood, and proposed a hunt, Rowena + would say, “Do, Sir Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you know your + friends the Jews can't abide them!” Or when, as it oft would happen, our + lion-hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a benevolence + from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists, or extract + some of the principal rabbis' teeth, Rowena would exult and say, “Serve + them right, the misbelieving wretches! England can never be a happy + country until every one of these monsters is exterminated!” or else, + adopting a strain of still more savage sarcasm, would exclaim, “Ivanhoe my + dear, more persecution for the Jews! Hadn't you better interfere, my love? + His Majesty will do anything for you; and, you know, the Jews were ALWAYS + SUCH FAVORITES OF YOURS,” or words to that effect. But, nevertheless, her + ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing Rebecca's jewels at court, + whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or at the York assizes and ball, + when she appeared there: not of course because she took any interest in + such things, but because she considered it her duty to attend, as one of + the chief ladies of the county. + </p> + <p> + Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his wishes, + was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous elevation, + disappointed. Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so in life! Many a + garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and green, which, when beheld + closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady walks melancholy and grass-grown; + the bowers you would fain repose in, cushioned with stinging-nettles. I + have ridden in a caique upon the waters of the Bosphorus, and looked upon + the capital of the Soldan of Turkey. As seen from those blue waters, with + palace and pinnacle, with gilded dome and towering cypress, it seemeth a + very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter the city, and it is but a beggarly + labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty alleys, where the ways are steep and + the smells are foul, tenanted by mangy dogs and ragged beggars—a + dismal illusion! Life is such, ah, well-a-day! It is only hope which is + real, and reality is a bitterness and a deceit. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe's high principles would never bring himself to + acknowledge this fact; but others did for him. He grew thin, and pined + away as much as if he had been in a fever under the scorching sun of + Ascalon. He had no appetite for his meals; he slept ill, though he was + yawning all day. The jangling of the doctors and friars whom Rowena + brought together did not in the least enliven him, and he would sometimes + give proofs of somnolency during their disputes, greatly to the + consternation of his lady. He hunted a good deal, and, I very much fear, + as Rowena rightly remarked, that he might have an excuse for being absent + from home. He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a hermit; + and when he came back from Athelstane's (whither he would repair not + unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural brilliancy + of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be sure, was sitting up + for him. As for Athelstane, he swore by St. Wullstan that he was glad to + have escaped a marriage with such a pattern of propriety; and honest + Cedric the Saxon (who had been very speedily driven out of his + daughter-in-law's castle) vowed by St. Waltheof that his son had bought a + dear bargain. + </p> + <p> + So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his royal + master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he had squeezed + from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all the money which he + could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince began to make war against the + French King, in Normandy and Guienne, Sir Wilfrid pined like a true + servant to be in company of the good champion, alongside of whom he had + shivered so many lances, and dealt such woundy blows of sword and + battle-axe on the plains of Jaffa or the breaches of Acre. Travellers were + welcome at Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good King: + and I warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when Father + Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James's Chronykyll (which was the + paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of “another glorious triumph”—“Defeat + of the French near Blois”—“Splendid victory at Epte, and narrow + escape of the French King:” the which deeds of arms the learned scribes + had to narrate. + </p> + <p> + However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left the + Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and the more + moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his Gascony wine. + Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail hanging vacant on the + wall, his banner covered with spider-webs, and his sword and axe rusting + there. “Ah, dear axe,” sighed he (into his drinking-horn)—“ah, + gentle steel! that was a merry time when I sent thee crashing into the + pate of the Emir Abdul Melik as he rode on the right of Saladin. Ah, my + sword, my dainty headsman? my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards! + is the rust to eat thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in + battle? What is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a + cobweb for a pennon? O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once more + thy voice in the front of the onset! Bones of Brian the Templar? would ye + could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we might break another + spear for honor and—and—” . . . + </p> + <p> + “And REBECCA,” he would have said; but the knight paused here in rather a + guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena (as she chose to + style herself at home) looked so hard at him out of her china-blue eyes, + that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading his thoughts, and was fain to + drop his own eyes into his flagon. + </p> + <p> + In a word, his life was intolerable. The dinner hour of the twelfth + century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined at ten o'clock + in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum under her canopy, + embroidered with the arms of Edward the Confessor, working with her + maidens at the most hideous pieces of tapestry, representing the tortures + and martyrdoms of her favorite saints, and not allowing a soul to speak + above his breath, except when she chose to cry out in her own shrill voice + when a handmaid made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of worsted. It was + a dreary life. Wamba, we have said, never ventured to crack a joke, save + in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and then Sir Wilfrid + Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but hunted in silence, + moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with shaft and quarrel. + </p> + <p> + Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless, to join + him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard, with a score or + two of lances. But the Earl of Huntingdon was a very different character + from Robin Hood the forester. There was no more conscientious magistrate + in all the county than his lordship: he was never known to miss church or + quarter-sessions; he was the strictest game-proprietor in all the Riding, + and sent scores of poachers to Botany Bay. “A man who has a stake in the + country, my good Sir Wilfrid,” Lord Huntingdon said, with rather a + patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat since the King had + taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong as an elephant to + mount him)—“a man with a stake in the country ought to stay IN the + country. Property has its duties as well as its privileges, and a person + of my rank is bound to live on the land from which he gets his living.” + </p> + <p> + “'Amen!” sang out the Reverend —— Tuck, his lordship's + domestic chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx, + who was as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his handkerchief, + and had his poll shaved and his beard curled every day. And so sanctified + was his Reverence grown, that he thought it was a shame to kill the pretty + deer, (though he ate of them still hugely, both in pasties and with French + beans and currant-jelly,) and being shown a quarter-staff upon a certain + occasion, handled it curiously, and asked “what that ugly great stick + was?” + </p> + <p> + Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun and + spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come and stay + at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness of that castle. + But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself such airs, and bored her so + intolerably with stories of King Edward the Confessor, that she preferred + any place rather than Rotherwood, which was as dull as if it had been at + the top of Mount Athos. + </p> + <p> + The only person who visited it was Athelstane. “His Royal Highness the + Prince” Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received with royal + honors. She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned out with presented + arms when he arrived; helped him to all Ivanhoe's favorite cuts of the + mutton or the turkey, and forced her poor husband to light him to the + state bedroom, walking backwards, holding a pair of wax-candles. At this + hour of bedtime the Thane used to be in such a condition, that he saw two + pair of candles and two Ivanhoes reeling before him. Let us hope it was + not Ivanhoe that was reeling, but only his kinsman's brains muddled with + the quantities of drink which it was his daily custom to consume. Rowena + said it was the crack which the wicked Bois Guilbert, “the Jewess's OTHER + lover, Wilfrid my dear,” gave him on his royal skull, which caused the + Prince to be disturbed so easily; but added, that drinking became a person + of royal blood, and was but one of the duties of his station. + </p> + <p> + Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man to bear + him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he himself was every + day more and more bent upon going, and he long cast about for some means + of breaking to his Rowena his firm resolution to join the King. He thought + she would certainty fall ill if he communicated the news too abruptly to + her: he would pretend a journey to York to attend a grand jury; then a + call to London on law business or to buy stock; then he would slip over to + Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and so be with the King + before his wife knew that he was out of sight of Westminster Hall. + </p> + <p> + “Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo! to a + goose, plump, short, and to the point,” said Wamba the Jester—who + was Sir Wilfrid's chief counsellor and attendant—“depend on't her + Highness would bear the news like a Christian woman.” + </p> + <p> + “Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap,” said Sir Wilfrid, in a fine + tone of high-tragedy indignation. “Thou knowest not the delicacy of the + nerves of high-born ladies. An she faint not, write me down Hollander.” + </p> + <p> + “I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that she will + let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not the matter too + strongly,” Wamba answered, knowingly. And this Ivanhoe found to his + discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast, adopting a degage air, as he + sipped his tea, he said, “My love, I was thinking of going over to pay his + Majesty a visit in Normandy.” Upon which, laying down her muffin, (which, + since the royal Alfred baked those cakes, had been the chosen breakfast + cate of noble Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered to her on a + salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)—“When do you + think of going, Wilfrid my dear?” the lady said; and the moment the + tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put away, she + set about mending his linen, and getting ready his carpet-bag. + </p> + <p> + So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him as he + had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the Fool to say, + “Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board, who, when the + boatswain flogged him, did cry out 'Oh!' wherever the rope's-end fell on + him: which caused Master Boatswain to say, 'Plague on thee, fellow, and a + pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit thee there is no pleasing thee.'” + </p> + <p> + “And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring,” + thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, “and mine is one that is ever sore.” + </p> + <p> + So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and a large + woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife's own white fingers had + woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join the King his master. + Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a series of prayers and + blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord mounted his charger, which + his squires led to the door. “It was the duty of the British female of + rank,” she said, “to suffer all—ALL in the cause of her sovereign. + SHE would not fear loneliness during the campaign: she would bear up + against widowhood, desertion, and an unprotected situation.” + </p> + <p> + “My cousin Athelstane will protect thee,” said Ivanhoe, with profound + emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and bestowing a chaste + salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena modestly said “she hoped his + Highness would be so kind.” + </p> + <p> + Then Ivanhoe's trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket-handkerchief: + then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant of the good Knight, + Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner (which was argent, a gules + cramoisy with three Moors impaled sable): then Wamba gave a lash on his + mule's haunch, and Ivanhoe, heaving a great sigh, turned the tail of his + war-horse upon the castle of his fathers. + </p> + <p> + As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane powdering + along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his great dray-horse of a + charger. “Good-by, good luck to you, old brick,” cried the Prince, using + the vernacular Saxon. “Pitch into those Frenchmen; give it 'em over the + face and eyes; and I'll stop at home and take care of Mrs. I.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, kinsman,” said Ivanhoe—looking, however, not + particularly well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train of each + took its different way—Athelstane's to Rotherwood, Ivanhoe's towards + his place of embarkation. + </p> + <p> + The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and as + yellow as a lawyer's parchment; and having longed to quit home any time + these three years past, he found himself envying Athelstane, because, + forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which symptoms of discontent being + observed by the witless Wamba, caused that absurd madman to bring his + rebeck over his shoulder from his back, and to sing— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “ATRA CURA. + + “Before I lost my five poor wits, + I mind me of a Romish clerk, + Who sang how Care, the phantom dark, + Beside the belted horseman sits. + Methought I saw the griesly sprite + Jump up but now behind my Knight.” + </pre> + <p> + “Perhaps thou didst, knave,” said Ivanhoe, looking over his shoulder; and + the knave went on with his jingle: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “And though he gallop as he may, + I mark that cursed monster black + Still sits behind his honor's back, + Tight squeezing of his heart alway. + Like two black Templars sit they there, + Beside one crupper, Knight and Care. + + “No knight am I with pennoned spear, + To prance upon a bold destrere: + I will not have black Care prevail + Upon my long-eared charger's tail, + For lo, I am a witless fool, + And laugh at Grief and ride a mule.” + </pre> + <p> + And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule's sides. + </p> + <p> + “Silence, fool!” said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both majestic and + wrathful. “If thou knowest not care and grief, it is because thou knowest + not love, whereof they are the companions. Who can love without an anxious + heart? How shall there be joy at meeting, without tears at parting?” (“I + did not see that his honor or my lady shed many anon,” thought Wamba the + Fool; but he was only a zany, and his mind was not right.) “I would not + exchange my very sorrows for thine indifference,” the knight continued. + “Where there is a sun, there must be a shadow. If the shadow offend me, + shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark? No! I am content with my + fate, even such as it is. The Care of which thou speakest, hard though it + may vex him, never yet rode down an honest man. I can bear him on my + shoulders, and make my way through the world's press in spite of him; for + my arm is strong, and my sword is keen, and my shield has no stain on it; + and my heart, though it is sad, knows no guile.” And here, taking a locket + out of his waistcoat (which was made of chain-mail), the knight kissed the + token, put it back under the waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and + stuck spurs into his horse. + </p> + <p> + As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid was + making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on the knight's + part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to the fool,) and so + did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe's pompous remarks. They + travelled on by slow stages through the whole kingdom, until they came to + Dover, whence they took shipping for Calais. And in this little voyage, + being exceedingly sea-sick, and besides elated at the thought of meeting + his sovereign, the good knight cast away that profound melancholy which + had accompanied him during the whole of his land journey. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> + <h3> + THE LAST DAYS OF THE LION. + </h3> + <p> + From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across country to + Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses and the rest of his + attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who travelled not only as the + knight's fool, but as his valet, and who, perched on the roof of the + carriage, amused himself by blowing tunes upon the conducteur's French + horn. The good King Richard was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin, + encamped before a little place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a + vassal of the King's, was holding the castle against his sovereign with a + resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the part + of the Monarch with the Lion Heart. For brave and magnanimous as he was, + the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more than another; and, + like the royal animal whom he was said to resemble, he commonly tore his + adversary to pieces, and then, perchance, had leisure to think how brave + the latter had been. The Count of Chalus had found, it was said, a pot of + money; the royal Richard wanted it. As the count denied that he had it, + why did he not open the gates of his castle at once? It was a clear proof + that he was guilty; and the King was determined to punish this rebel, and + have his money and his life too. + </p> + <p> + He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those + instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the place a + score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been beaten back on + every occasion, until he was so savage that it was dangerous to approach + the British Lion. The Lion's wife, the lovely Berengaria, scarcely + ventured to come near him. He flung the joint-stools in his tent at the + heads of the officers of state, and kicked his aides-de-camp round his + pavilion; and, in fact, a maid of honor, who brought a sack-posset in to + his Majesty from the Queen after he came in from the assault, came + spinning like a football out of the royal tent just as Ivanhoe entered it. + </p> + <p> + “Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!” roared out the infuriate King. + “By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the sack! By St. Wittikind, I + will have her flayed alive. Ha, St. George! ha, St. Richard! whom have we + here?” And he lifted up his demi-culverin, or curtal-axe—a weapon + weighing about thirteen hundredweight—and was about to fling it at + the intruder's head, when the latter, kneeling gracefully on one knee, + said calmly, “It is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe.” + </p> + <p> + “What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the + henpecked!” cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor, flinging + away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed (it lighted three + hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon, who was smoking a cigar + at the door of his tent, and caused that redoubted warrior to limp for + some days after). “What, Wilfrid my gossip? Art come to see the lion's + den? There are bones in it, man, bones and carcasses, and the lion is + angry,” said the King, with a terrific glare of his eyes. “But tush! we + will talk of that anon. Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for the King and + the good Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe. Thou art come in time, Wilfrid, for, + by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand assault to-morrow. + There will be bones broken, ha!” + </p> + <p> + “I care not, my liege,” said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign respectfully, + and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of hypocras to his + Highness's good health. And he at once appeared to be taken into high + favor; not a little to the envy of many of the persons surrounding the + King. + </p> + <p> + As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty before + Chalus. Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the castle, but it + was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his gallant garrison, that + each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties returning disconsolately to + their tents, leaving behind them many of their own slain, and bringing + back with them store of broken heads and maimed limbs, received in the + unsuccessful onset. The valor displayed by Ivanhoe in all these contests + was prodigious; and the way in which he escaped death from the discharges + of mangonels, catapults, battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling + oil, and other artillery, with which the besieged received their enemies, + was remarkable. After a day's fighting, Gurth and Wamba used to pick the + arrows out of their intrepid master's coat-of-mail, as if they had been so + many almonds in a pudding. 'Twas well for the good knight, that under his + first coat-of armor he wore a choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly + impervious to arrow-shots, and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac + of York, to whom he had done some considerable services a few years back. + </p> + <p> + If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated failures of + his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice was blinded in the + lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the first to acknowledge the + valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would have given him a Peerage and + the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a dozen times in the course of the + siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a dozen storming parties, and with his + own hand killed as many men (viz, two thousand three hundred and + fifty-one) within six, as were slain by the lion-hearted monarch himself. + But his Majesty was rather disgusted than pleased by his faithful + servant's prowess; and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for his + superior valor and dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of + hundreds of them of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings + host could not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the + royal mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of + arms with an evil eye. Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King that Sir + Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill more men than + Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de Toadhole said that Ivanhoe + stated everywhere that his Majesty was not the man he used to be; that + pleasures and drink had enervated him; that he could neither ride, nor + strike a blow with sword or axe, as he had been enabled to do in the old + times in Palestine: and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault, in which + they had very nearly carried the place, and in which onset Ivanhoe slew + seven, and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de Chalus, its + defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his banner before + the King's upon the wall; and only rescued himself from utter disgrace by + saving his Majesty's life several times in the course of this most + desperate onslaught. + </p> + <p> + Then the luckless knight's very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected + readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men—nor was Ivanhoe + liked by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard. His young + Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the pleasure-loving + monarch. His Majesty would transact business in the morning, then fight + severely from after breakfast till about three o'clock in the afternoon; + from which time, until after midnight, there was nothing but jigging and + singing, feasting and revelry, in the royal tents. Ivanhoe, who was asked + as a matter of ceremony, and forced to attend these entertainments, not + caring about the blandishments of any of the ladies present, looked on at + their ogling and dancing with a countenance as glum as an undertaker's, + and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst of the festivities. His + favorite resort and conversation were with a remarkably austere hermit, + who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus, and with whom Ivanhoe loved to + talk about Palestine, and the Jews, and other grave matters of import, + better than to mingle in the gayest amusements of the court of King + Richard. Many a night, when the Queen and the ladies were dancing + quadrilles and polkas (in which his Majesty, who was enormously stout as + well as tall, insisted upon figuring, and in which he was about as + graceful as an elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe would steal away from + the ball, and come and have a night's chat under the moon with his + reverend friend. It pained him to see a man of the King's age and size + dancing about with the young folks. They laughed at his Majesty whilst + they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor mimicked the royal + mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe ever could have laughed, he + certainly would one night when the King, in light-blue satin + inexpressibles, with his hair in powder, chose to dance the minuet de la + cour with the little Queen Berangeria. + </p> + <p> + Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and begin to + sing. He was said to compose his own songs—words and music—but + those who have read Lord Campobello's “Lives of the Lord Chancellors” are + aware that there was a person by the name of Blondel, who, in fact, did + all the musical part of the King's performances; and as for the words, + when a king writes verses, we may be sure there will be plenty of people + to admire his poetry. His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which he had + stolen every idea, to an air that was ringing on all the barrel-organs of + Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would say, “How do you + like that? I dashed it off this morning.” Or, “Blondel, what do you think + of this movement in B flat?” or what not; and the courtiers and Blondel, + you may be sure, would applaud with all their might, like hypocrites as + they were. + </p> + <p> + One evening—it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed—his + Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a quantity of + his so-called composition, until the people were fairly tired of clapping + with their hands and laughing in their sleeves. First he sang an ORIGINAL + air and poem, beginning + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose, + Fresh and fair ones, who'll refuse?” &c. +</pre> + <p> + The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the day + before yesterday. Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic melody, of which + the chorus was + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea, + For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be,” &c. +</pre> + <p> + The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except + Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until the King + questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said “he thought he had heard + something very like the air and the words elsewhere.” His Majesty scowled + at him a savage glance from under his red bushy eyebrows; but Ivanhoe had + saved the royal life that day, and the King, therefore, with difficulty + controlled his indignation. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said he, “by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard THIS + song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath after the + melee. Did I not, Blondel?” + </p> + <p> + Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty had + done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his great red + fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL. + + “The Pope he is a happy man, + His Palace is the Vatican, + And there he sits and drains his can: + The Pope he is a happy man. + I often say when I'm at home, + I'd like to be the Pope of Rome. + + “And then there's Sultan Saladin, + That Turkish Soldan full of sin; + He has a hundred wives at least, + By which his pleasure is increased: + I've often wished, I hope no sin, + That I were Sultan Saladin. + + “But no, the Pope no wife may choose, + And so I would not wear his shoes; + No wine may drink the proud Paynim, + And so I'd rather not be him: + My wife, my wine, I love I hope, + And would be neither Turk nor Pope.” + </pre> + <p> + “Encore! Encore! Bravo! Bis!” Everybody applauded the King's song with all + his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved his abominable gravity: + and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite whether he had heard that too, + said firmly, “Yes, Roger de Backbite; and so hast thou if thou darest but + tell the truth.” + </p> + <p> + “Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again,” bawled the King in + a fury, “if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may I die in + to-morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song. Sing thyself, Wilfrid of + the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could'st sing a good song in old times.” And with + all his might, and with a forced laugh, the King, who loved brutal + practical jests, flung his guitar at the head of Ivanhoe. + </p> + <p> + Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an elegant bow + to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “KING CANUTE. + + “King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score, + Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing + more; + And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore. + + “'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps + sedate, + Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks + great, + Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,—all the officers of state. + + “Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause, + If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped + their jaws; + If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws. + + “But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and + young: + Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen + sung, + Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her + tongue. + + “'Something ails my gracious master,' cried the Keeper of the Seal. + 'Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?' + 'Psha!' exclaimed the angry monarch. 'Keeper, 'tis not that I + feel. + + “''Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest + impair: + Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care? + Oh, I'm sick, and tired, and weary.'—Some one cried, 'The King's + arm-chair?' + + “Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded, + Straight the King's great chair was brought him, by two footmen + able-bodied; + Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded. + + “'Leading on my fierce companions,' cried be, 'over storm and + brine, + I have fought and I have conquered! Where was glory like to mine?' + Loudly all the courtiers echoed: 'Where is glory like to thine?' + + “'What avail me all my kingdoms? Weary am I now, and old; + Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold; + Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould! + + “'Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites; + Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights; + Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights. + + “'Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires; + Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered + sires.'—Such a tender conscience,' cries the Bishop, 'every + one admires. + + “'But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to + search, + They're forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church; + Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch. + + “'Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace's + bounty raised; + Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily + praised: + YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I'm amazed!' + + “'Nay, I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near.' + 'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a + tear). + 'Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty + year.' + + “'Live these fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to + suit. + 'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute! + Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do't. + + “'Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela, + Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn't the King as well as + they?' + 'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, 'fervently I trust he may.' + + “'HE to die?' resumed the Bishop. 'He a mortal like to US? + Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus: + Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus. + + “'With his wondrous skill in healing ne'er a doctor can compete, + Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet; + Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet. + + “'Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill, + And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still? + So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.' + + “'Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?' Canute cried; + 'Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride? + If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide. + + “'Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?' + Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, 'Land and sea, my lord, are thine.' + Canute turned towards the ocean—'Back!' he said, 'thou foaming + brine + + “'From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat; + Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master's seat: + Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!' + + “But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar, + And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore; + Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore. + + “And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay, + But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey: + And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day. + King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway.” + </pre> + <p> + At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as a + sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some affected to + be asleep and snore outright. But Roger de Backbite thinking to curry + favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity, his Majesty fetched him a + knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear, which, I warrant me, wakened + Master Roger; to whom the King said, “Listen and be civil, slave; Wilfrid + is singing about thee.—Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but it is to the + purpose, and I have grown cool during thy homily. Give me thy hand, honest + friend. Ladies, good night. Gentlemen, we give the grand assault + to-morrow; when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall not be before + mine.”—And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty, retired into the + private pavilion. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> + <h3> + ST. GEORGE FOR ENGLAND. + </h3> + <p> + Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp outside + the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most miserable plight + that may be conceived. Hunger, as well as the fierce assaults of the + besiegers, had made dire ravages in the place. The garrison's provisions + of corn and cattle, their very horses, dogs, and donkeys had been eaten up—so + that it might well be said by Wamba “that famine, as well as slaughter, + had THINNED the garrison.” When the men of Chalus came on the walls to + defend it against the scaling-parties of King Richard, they were like so + many skeletons in armor; they could hardly pull their bowstrings at last, + or pitch down stones on the heads of his Majesty's party, so weak had + their arms become; and the gigantic Count of Chalus—a warrior as + redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard Plantagenet himself—was + scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe upon the day of that last assault, + when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran him through the—but we are advancing + matters. + </p> + <p> + What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which the + Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his heroic sons + and garrison?—Nothing, but that Dante has already done the business + in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my efforts might be + considered as mere imitations. Why should I not, if I were minded to revel + in horrifying details, show you how the famished garrison drew lots, and + ate themselves during the siege; and how the unlucky lot falling upon the + Countess of Chalus, that heroic woman, taking an affectionate leave of her + family, caused her large caldron in the castle kitchen to be set + a-boiling, had onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and salt made ready, to + make a savory soup, as the French like it; and when all things were quite + completed, kissed her children, jumped into the caldron from off a kitchen + stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel bed-gown? Dear friends, it is + not from want of imagination, or from having no turn for the terrible or + pathetic, that I spare you these details. I could give you some + description that would spoil your dinner and night's rest, and make your + hair stand on end. But why harrow your feelings? Fancy all the tortures + and horrors that possibly can occur in a beleaguered and famished castle: + fancy the feelings of men who know that no more quarter will be given them + than they would get if they were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and + brought to trial by his Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then let us + rush on to the breach and prepare once more to meet the assault of + dreadful King Richard and his men. + </p> + <p> + On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having copiously + partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and advanced with his + host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus. Arthur de Pendennis bore his + banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on the King's right hand. Molyneux, + Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed crosier and mitre for that day, and though + fat and pursy, panted up the breach with the most resolute spirit, roaring + out war-cries and curses, and wielding a prodigious mace of iron, with + which he did good execution. Roger de Backbite was forced to come in + attendance upon the sovereign, but took care to keep in the rear of his + august master, and to shelter behind his huge triangular shield as much as + possible. Many lords of note followed the King and bore the ladders; and + as they were placed against the wall, the air was perfectly dark with the + shower of arrows which the French archers poured out at the besiegers, and + the cataract of stones, kettles, bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery, + umbrellas, congreve-rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other + missiles which the desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party. The + King received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany + wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an ox, and + would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off skilfully. + Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them like grass beneath + the scythe of the mower. + </p> + <p> + The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining round: the + King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount them. Chalus stood in + the breach, borrowing strength from despair; and roaring out, “Ha! + Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!” he dealt the King a crack across + the helmet with his battle-axe, which shore off the gilt lion and crown + that surmounted the steel cap. The King bent and reeled back; the + besiegers were dismayed; the garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a + shout of triumph: but it was premature. + </p> + <p> + As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in tierce, + which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him through as + clean as a spit does a partridge. Uttering a horrid shriek, he fell back + writhing; the King recovering staggered up the parapet; the rush of + knights followed, and the union-jack was planted triumphantly on the + walls, just as Ivanhoe,—but we must leave him for a moment. + </p> + <p> + “Ha, St. Richard!—ha, St. George!” the tremendous voice of the + Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset. At every sweep of + his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting trunk tumbled, + bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan. The world hath never seen a + warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet, as he raged over the keep, + his eyes flashing fire through the bars of his morion, snorting and + chafing with the hot lust of battle. One by one les enfans de Chalus had + fallen; there was only one left at last of all the brave race that had + fought round the gallant Count:—only one, and but a boy, a + fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed boy! he had been gathering pansies in the + fields but yesterday—it was but a few years, and he was a baby in + his mother's arms! What could his puny sword do against the most redoubted + blade in Christendom?—and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of + England, and met him foot to foot! Turn away, turn away, my dear young + friends and kind-hearted ladies! Do not look at that ill-fated poor boy! + his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the conqueror, and + the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . . + </p> + <p> + “Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges,” said Bertrand de Gourdon, “the butcher + will never strike down yonder lambling! Hold thy hand, Sir King, or, by + St. Barbacue—” + </p> + <p> + Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his shoulder, + the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the next moment + crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet. + </p> + <p> + 'Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon! Maddened by the pain of the + wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish appetite for + blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and with a curse too + horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal butcher fell down on + the blond ringlets of the child, and the children of Chalus were no more! + . . . + </p> + <p> + I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT be + done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as in the + battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one of whose + works this present masterpiece is professedly a continuation, everything + passes off agreeably—the people are slain, but without any + unpleasant sensation to the reader; nay, some of the most savage and + blood-stained characters of history, such is the indomitable good-humor of + the great novelist, become amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a + hearty sympathy—so, if you please, we will have this fighting + business at Chalus, and the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon, + disposed of; the former, according to the usage of the good old times, + having been hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the + manner described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History. + </p> + <p> + As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of Bertrand + de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero—and that from that 29th of + March he never robbed nor murdered any more. And we have legends in + recondite books of the manner of the King's death. + </p> + <p> + “You must die, my son,” said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as Berengaria + was carried shrieking from the King's tent. “Repent, Sir King, and + separate yourself from your children!” + </p> + <p> + “It is ill jesting with a dying man,” replied the King. “Children have I + none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me.” + </p> + <p> + “Richard of England,” said the archbishop, turning up his fine eyes, “your + vices are your children. Ambition is your eldest child, Cruelty is your + second child, Luxury is your third child; and you have nourished them from + your youth up. Separate yourself from these sinful ones, and prepare your + soul, for the hour of departure draweth nigh.” + </p> + <p> + Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England met his + death like a Christian man. Peace be to the soul of the brave! When the + news came to King Philip of France, he sternly forbade his courtiers to + rejoice at the death of his enemy. “It is no matter of joy but of dolor,” + he said, “that the bulwark of Christendom and the bravest king of Europe + is no more.” + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left in the + act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus through the + body? + </p> + <p> + As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse of his + fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a dagger into his + back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open (for Sir Wilfrid had + armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his breast, not his back, that + he was accustomed ordinarily to protect); and when poor Wamba came up on + the rampart, which he did when the fighting was over,—being such a + fool that he could not be got to thrust his head into danger for glory's + sake—he found his dear knight with the dagger in his back lying + without life upon the body of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon slain. + </p> + <p> + Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed! How he + lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend! What mattered it + to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to his tent, and that + Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive? At another time the sight of this + spectacle might have amused the simple knave; but now all his thoughts + were of his lord: so good, so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so frank with the + great, so tender to the poor, so truthful of speech, so modest regarding + his own merit, so true a gentleman, in a word, that anybody might, with + reason, deplore him. + </p> + <p> + As Wamba opened the dear knight's corselet, he found a locket round his + neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my Lady + Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black, Wamba thought, + as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight had rescued in the lists + of Templestowe. A bit of Rowena's hair was in Sir Wilfrid's possession, + too; but that was in his purse along with his seal of arms, and a couple + of groats: for the good knight never kept any money, so generous was he of + his largesses when money came in. + </p> + <p> + Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket of hair + round his master's neck, and when he returned to England never said a word + about the circumstance. After all, how should he know whose hair it was? + It might have been the knight's grandmother's hair for aught the fool + knew; so he kept his counsel when he brought back the sad news and tokens + to the disconsolate widow at Rotherwood. + </p> + <p> + The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed sat by + it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when, seeing two + suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he fled in dismay, + supposing that they were marauders who were out searching for booty among + the dead bodies; and having not the least courage, he fled from these, and + tumbled down the breach, and never stopped running as fast as his legs + would carry him, until he reached the tent of his late beloved master. + </p> + <p> + The news of the knight's demise, it appeared, had been known at his + quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden off on + his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much as a + shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and blankets had been + carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants. Who had slain Ivanhoe? That + remains a mystery to the present day; but Roger de Backbite, whose nose he + had pulled for defamation, and who was behind him in the assault at + Chalus, was seen two years afterwards at the court of King John in an + embroidered velvet waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had worked + for Ivanhoe, and about which the widow would have made some little noise, + but that—but that she was no longer a widow. + </p> + <p> + That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned, for + she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York could supply, + and erected a monument to his memory as big as a minster. But she was a + lady of such fine principles, that she did not allow her grief to + overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily arising for uniting the two + best Saxon families in England, by an alliance between herself and the + gentleman who offered himself to her, Rowena sacrificed her inclination to + remain single, to her sense of duty; and contracted a second matrimonial + engagement. + </p> + <p> + That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with life, and + novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly natural and + edifying, can for a moment doubt. Cardinal Pandulfo tied the knot for + them: and lest there should be any doubt about Ivanhoe's death (for his + body was never sent home after all, nor seen after Wamba ran away from + it), his Eminence procured a Papal decree annulling the former marriage, + so that Rowena became Mrs. Athelstane with a clear conscience. And who + shall be surprised, if she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane + than with the gentle and melancholy Wilfrid? Did women never have a + predilection for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with + donkeys, before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania? Ah! Mary, + had you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack Bray, + when a Michael Angelo offered? Ah! Fanny, were you not a woman, would you + persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and comes home tipsy from + the Club? Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times more about tipsy Athelstane + than ever she had done for gentle Ivanhoe, and so great was her + infatuation about the former, that she would sit upon his knee in the + presence of all her maidens, and let him smoke his cigars in the very + drawing-room. + </p> + <p> + This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who piqued + himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the death of her + late lord:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus: + Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia + Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat: + Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit. + Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa, + Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani. +</pre> + <p> + And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of the + Latin lines: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “REQUIESCAT. + + “Under the stone you behold, + Buried, and coffined, and cold, + Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold. + + “Always he marched in advance, + Warring in Flanders and France, + Doughty with sword and with lance. + + “Famous in Saracen fight, + Rode in his youth the good knight, + Scattering Paynims in flight. + + “Brian the Templar untrue, + Fairly in tourney he slew, + Saw Hierusalem too. + + “Now he is buried and gone, + Lying beneath the gray stone: + Where shall you find such a one? + + “Long time his widow deplored, + Weeping the fate of her lord, + Sadly cut off by the sword. + + “When she was eased of her pain, + Came the good Lord Athelstane, + When her ladyship married again.” + </pre> + <p> + Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last line, + but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane interceded; + and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> + <h3> + IVANHOE REDIVIVUS. + </h3> + <p> + I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last + chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead. Because we have given him + an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons that he should be + really gone out of the world? No: as in the pantomime, when we see Clown + and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and cry over him, we are always sure that + Master Harlequin will be up at the next minute alert and shining in his + glistening coat; and, after giving a box on the ears to the pair of them, + will be taking a dance with Columbine, or leaping gayly through the + clock-face, or into the three-pair-of-stairs' window:—so Sir + Wilfrid, the Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be run through a + little, or may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly rise up again + when he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment. + </p> + <p> + The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no + cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no other than + Ivanhoe's friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of his, who visited + the scene of the late battle in order to see if any Christians still + survived there, whom they might shrive and get ready for heaven, or to + whom they might possibly offer the benefit of their skill as leeches. Both + were prodigiously learned in the healing art; and had about them those + precious elixirs which so often occur in romances, and with which patients + are so miraculously restored. Abruptly dropping his master's head from his + lap as he fled, poor Wamba caused the knight's pate to fall with rather a + heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave had but stayed a minute + longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a deep groan. But though the + fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and to recognize the gallant + Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger still sticking out of his back, + to wash the wound with a portion of the precious elixir, and to pour a + little of it down his throat, was with the excellent hermits the work of + an instant: which remedies being applied, one of the good men took the + knight by the heels and the other by the head, and bore him daintily from + the castle to their hermitage in a neighboring rock. As for the Count of + Chalus, and the remainder of the slain, the hermits were too much occupied + with Ivanhoe's case to mind them, and did not, it appears, give them any + elixir: so that, if they are really dead, they must stay on the rampart + stark and cold; or if otherwise, when the scene closes upon them as it + does now, they may get up, shake themselves, go to the slips and drink a + pot of porter, or change their stage-clothes and go home to supper. My + dear readers, you may settle the matter among yourselves as you like. If + you wish to kill the characters really off, let them be dead, and have + done with them: but, entre nous, I don't believe they are any more dead + than you or I are, and sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable + of truth in this whole story. + </p> + <p> + Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits' cell, and there doctored by the + holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and dangerous + order, that he was under medical treatment for a very considerable time. + When he woke up from his delirium, and asked how long he had been ill, + fancy his astonishment when he heard that he had been in the fever for six + years! He thought the reverend fathers were joking at first, but their + profession forbade them from that sort of levity; and besides, he could + not possibly have got well any sooner, because the story would have been + sadly put out had he appeared earlier. And it proves how good the fathers + were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger de Backbite's + dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under this great length + of time; during the whole of which the fathers tended him without ever + thinking of a fee. I know of a kind physician in this town who does as + much sometimes; but I won't do him the ill service of mentioning his name + here. + </p> + <p> + Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard, which by + this time hung down considerably below his knees, and calling for his suit + of chain-armor, which before had fitted his elegant person as tight as + wax, now put it on, and it bagged and hung so loosely about him, that even + the good friars laughed at his absurd appearance. It was impossible that + he should go about the country in such a garb as that: the very boys would + laugh at him: so the friars gave him one of their old gowns, in which he + disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell of his + friends, set forth on his return to his native country. As he went along, + he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that Prince Arthur + had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted with various other + facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock's Catechism and the + Historic Page. + </p> + <p> + But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own private + affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him, and his + pilgrim's staff shook with emotion, as at length, after many perils, he + came in sight of his paternal mansion of Rotherwood, and saw once more the + chimneys smoking, the shadows of the oaks over the grass in the sunset, + and the rooks winging over the trees. He heard the supper gong sounding: + he knew his way to the door well enough; he entered the familiar hall with + a benedicite, and without any more words took his place. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled and his + shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself presently: nor + could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered his face. + </p> + <p> + A little boy was playing on Athelstane's knee; Rowena smiling and patting + the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a huge cup of + spiced wine from a golden jug. He drained a quart of the liquor, and, + turning round, addressed the friar:— + </p> + <p> + “And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus by the + bolt of that felon bowman?” + </p> + <p> + “We did, an it please you. The brothers of our house attended the good + King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian ending!” + </p> + <p> + “And didst thou see the archer flayed alive? It must have been rare + sport,” roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke. “How the fellow + must have howled!” + </p> + <p> + “My love!” said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty white + finger on his lip. + </p> + <p> + “I would have liked to see it too,” cried the boy. + </p> + <p> + “That's my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt. And, friar, didst see my + poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe? They say he fought well at Chalus!” + </p> + <p> + “My sweet lord,” again interposed Rowena, “mention him not.” + </p> + <p> + “Why? Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore—when you + could not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?” + </p> + <p> + “Those times are past now, dear Athelstane,” said his affectionate wife, + looking up to the ceiling. + </p> + <p> + “Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena.” + </p> + <p> + “The odious hussy! don't mention the name of the unbelieving creature,” + exclaimed the lady. + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad—a thought melancholy and + milksop though. Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance,” said the friar. “I have heard + there was none better in Christendom. He lay in our convent after his + wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died. He was buried in our + north cloister.” + </p> + <p> + “And there's an end of him,” said Athelstane. “But come, this is dismal + talk. Where's Wamba the Jester? Let us have a song. Stir up, Wamba, and + don't lie like a dog in the fire! Sing us a song, thou crack-brained + jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones. Tush, man! There be many + good fellows left in this world.” + </p> + <p> + “There be buzzards in eagles' nests,” Wamba said, who was lying stretched + before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane's dogs. “There be dead + men alive, and live men dead. There be merry songs and dismal songs. + Marry, and the merriest are the saddest sometimes. I will leave off motley + and wear black, gossip Athelstane. I will turn howler at funerals, and + then, perhaps, I shall be merry. Motley is fit for mutes, and black for + fools. Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is as cracked as my + brain.” + </p> + <p> + “Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating,” the Thane said. + </p> + <p> + And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side and + curled his lean shanks together and began:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “LOVE AT TWO SCORE. + + “Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin, + That never has known the barber's shear, + All your aim is woman to win— + This is the way that boys begin— + Wait till you've come to forty year! + + “Curly gold locks cover foolish brains, + Billing and cooing is all your cheer, + Sighing and singing of midnight strains + Under Bonnybells' window-panes. + Wait till you've come to forty year! + + “Forty times over let Michaelmas pass, + Grizzling hair the brain doth clear; + Then you know a boy is an ass, + Then you know the worth of a lass, + Once you have come to forty year. + + “Pledge me round, I bid ye declare, + All good fellows whose beards are gray: + Did not the fairest of the fair + Common grow, and wearisome, ere + Ever a month was passed away? + + “The reddest lips that ever have kissed, + The brightest eyes that ever have shone, + May pray and whisper and we not list, + Or look away and never be missed, + Ere yet ever a month was gone. + + “Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier, + How I loved her twenty years syne! + Marian's married, but I sit here, + Alive and merry at forty year, + Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine.” + </pre> + <p> + “Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?” roared + Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the chorus. + </p> + <p> + “It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst, that + you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we knew King + Richard. Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good priest.” + </p> + <p> + “They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love,” said + Rowena. “His Majesty hath taken him into much favor. My Lord of Huntingdon + looked very well at the last ball; but I never could see any beauty in the + Countess—a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they used to call Maid + Marian: though, for the matter of that, what between her flirtations with + Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, really—” + </p> + <p> + “Jealous again—haw! haw!” laughed Athelstane. + </p> + <p> + “I am above jealousy, and scorn it,” Rowena answered, drawing herself up + very majestically. + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, Wamba's was a good song,” Athelstane said. + </p> + <p> + “Nay, a wicked song,” said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. “What! + rail at woman's love? Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true wife? Woman's + love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it would be a blasphemer + were he not a fool. The well-born and well-nurtured gentlewoman loves once + and once only.” + </p> + <p> + “I pray you, madam, pardon me, I—I am not well,” said the gray + friar, rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the steps of + the dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as he rose, and + casting his arms around the apparently fainting man, he led him away into + the court. “There be dead men alive and live men dead,” whispered he. + “There be coffins to laugh at and marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth, + holy friar?” And when they had got out into the solitary court, which was + deserted by all the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the + drunken revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt down, + and kissing the friar's garment, said, “I knew thee, I knew thee, my lord + and my liege!” + </p> + <p> + “Get up,” said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate: “only + fools are faithful.” + </p> + <p> + And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay buried. + All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester lay outside + watching as mute as the saint over the porch. + </p> + <p> + When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the habit of + wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice was taken of his + absence by a master and mistress who had not much sense of humor. As for + Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of feelings could not be expected + to remain in a house where things so naturally disagreeable to him were + occurring, and he quitted Rotherwood incontinently, after paying a dutiful + visit to the tomb where his old father, Cedric, was buried; and hastened + on to York, at which city he made himself known to the family attorney, a + most respectable man, in whose hands his ready money was deposited, and + took up a sum sufficient to fit himself out with credit, and a handsome + retinue, as became a knight of consideration. But he changed his name, + wore a wig and spectacles, and disguised himself entirely, so that it was + impossible his friends or the public should know him, and thus + metamorphosed, went about whithersoever his fancy led him. He was present + at a public ball at York, which the lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de + Coverley in the very same set with Rowena—(who was disgusted that + Maid Marian took precedence of her)—he saw little Athelstane overeat + himself at the supper and pledge his big father in a cup of sack; he met + the Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary meeting, where he seconded a + resolution proposed by that eminent divine;—in fine, he saw a score + of his old acquaintances, none of whom recognized in him the warrior of + Palestine and Templestowe. Having a large fortune and nothing to do, he + went about this country performing charities, slaying robbers, rescuing + the distressed, and achieving noble feats of arms. Dragons and giants + existed in his day no more, or be sure he would have had a fling at them: + for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life + which the hermits of Chalus had restored to him, and felt himself so + friendless and solitary that he would not have been sorry to come to an + end of it. Ah, my dear friends and intelligent British public, are there + not others who are melancholy under a mask of gayety, and who, in the + midst of crowds, are lonely? Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi + had feelings; and there are others I wot of:—but psha!—let us + have the next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> + <h3> + IVANHOE TO THE RESCUE. + </h3> + <p> + The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of Richard of + the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his relatives, his + nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and set forth clearly in + the Historic Page: hence, although nothing, except perhaps success, can, + in my opinion, excuse disaffection to the sovereign, or appearance in + armed rebellion against him, the loyal reader will make allowance for two + of the principal personages of this narrative, who will have to appear in + the present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their lord and + king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the fault of + Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly punished, as + you shall presently hear,) that the monarch exasperated his subjects in a + variety of ways,—that before he murdered his royal nephew, Prince + Arthur, there was a great question whether he was the rightful king of + England at all,—that his behavior as an uncle, and a family man, was + likely to wound the feelings of any lady and mother,—finally, that + there were palliations for the conduct of Rowena and Ivanhoe, which it now + becomes our duty to relate. + </p> + <p> + When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was one of + the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court at once, and + retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made use of by her, and + derogatory to the character of the sovereign, were carried to the + monarch's ears, by some of those parasites, doubtless, by whom it is the + curse of kings to be attended; and John swore, by St. Peter's teeth, that + he would be revenged upon the haughty Saxon lady,—a kind of oath + which, though he did not trouble himself about all other oaths, he was + never known to break. It was not for some years after he had registered + this vow, that he was enabled to keep it. + </p> + <p> + Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his horrid + designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir Wilfrid would + have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe was, as we need + scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the custom and duty of all + gentlemen of that profession to be present on all occasions of historic + interest, to be engaged in all conspiracies, royal interviews, and + remarkable occurrences: and hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have rescued + the young Prince, had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of Rouen, where + the foul tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred leagues off, at + Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his bed as crazy as a + Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue (which he had + caught up during a previous illness in which he was tended by a maiden of + that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben Isaacs, of whom, being a married + man, he never would have thought, had he been in his sound senses. During + this delirium, what were politics to him, or he to politics? King John or + King Arthur was entirely indifferent to a man who announced to his + nurse-tenders, the good hermits of Chalus before mentioned, that he was + the Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. In + a word, he only heard of what had occurred when he reached England, and + his senses were restored to him. Whether was he happier, sound of brain + and entirely miserable, (as any man would be who found so admirable a wife + as Rowena married again,) or perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful + Rebecca? I don't know which he liked best. + </p> + <p> + Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so thorough a + detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be brought to take + service under him; to get himself presented at St. James's, or in any way + to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, the authority of the sanguinary + successor of his beloved King Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, I + need scarcely say, who got the Barons of England to league together and + extort from the king that famous instrument and palladium of our liberties + at present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury—the + Magna Charta. His name does not naturally appear in the list of Barons, + because he was only a knight, and a knight in disguise too: nor does + Athelstane's signature figure on that document. Athelstane, in the first + place, could not write; nor did he care a pennypiece about politics, so + long as he could drink his wine at home undisturbed, and have his hunting + and shooting in quiet. + </p> + <p> + It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of every + gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic Page that + this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into open rebellion, + along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. It is recorded of the + King, that he forbade every man to hunt his own deer; and, in order to + secure an obedience to his orders, this Herod of a monarch wanted to + secure the eldest sons of all the nobility and gentry, as hostages for the + good behavior of their parents. + </p> + <p> + Athelstane was anxious about his game—Rowena was anxious about her + son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all Norman + tyrants—the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the ruffian + who had murdered his own nephew?* The speeches of both were brought to the + King at York; and, furious, he ordered an instant attack upon Rotherwood, + and that the lord and lady of that castle should be brought before him + dead or alive. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + *See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and + Pinnock's Catechism. +</pre> + <p> + Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to defend + the castle against the royal party? A few thrusts from his lance would + have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host: a few cuts from his + sword would have put John's forces to rout. But the lance and sword of + Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. “No, be hanged to me!” said the + knight, bitterly, “THIS is a quarrel in which I can't interfere. Common + politeness forbids. Let yonder ale-swilling Athelstane defend his—ha, + ha—WIFE; and my Lady Rowena guard her—ha, ha, ha—SON.” + And he laughed wildly and madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked + and gurgled out the words “wife” and “son” would have made you shudder to + hear. + </p> + <p> + When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege, Athelstane + had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for good, and not to come + to life again as he had done before,) and that the widow (if so the + innocent bigamist may be called) was conducting the defence of Rotherwood + herself with the greatest intrepidity, showing herself upon the walls with + her little son, (who bellowed like a bull, and did not like the fighting + at all,) pointing the guns and encouraging the garrison in every way—better + feelings returned to the bosom of the Knight of Ivanhoe, and summoning his + men, he armed himself quickly and determined to go forth to the rescue. + </p> + <p> + He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the direction of + Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for refreshment, indeed, + that his men dropped one by one upon the road, and he arrived alone at the + lodge-gate of the park. The windows were smashed; the door stove in; the + lodge, a neat little Swiss cottage, with a garden where the pinafores of + Mrs. Gurth's children might have been seen hanging on the + gooseberry-bushes in more peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap of + smoking ruins: cottage, bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled together, + destroyed by the licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch! Far be it + from me to excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to their + sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared. + </p> + <p> + Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and expiring at + the flaming and violated threshold of his lately picturesque home. A + catapult and a couple of mangonels had done his business. The faithful + fellow, recognizing his master, who had put up his visor and forgotten his + wig and spectacles in the agitation of the moment, exclaimed, “Sir + Wilfrid! my dear master—praised be St. Waltheof—there may be + yet time—my beloved mistr—master Athelst . . .” He sank back, + and never spoke again. + </p> + <p> + Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue. The + castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the besiegers were + pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane's banner, the bull rampant, was + still on the northern bartizan. “An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!” he bellowed out, + with a shout that overcame all the din of battle: “Nostre Dame a la + rescousse!” And to hurl his lance through the midriff of Reginald de + Bracy, who was commanding the assault—who fell howling with anguish—to + wave his battle-axe over his own head, and cut off those of thirteen + men-at-arms, was the work of an instant. “An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!” he + still shouted, and down went a man as sure as he said “hoe!” + </p> + <p> + “Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!” a shrill voice cried from the top of the northern + bartizan. Ivanhoe knew it. + </p> + <p> + “Rowena my love, I come!” he roared on his part. “Villains! touch but a + hair of her head, and I . . .” + </p> + <p> + Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang forward + wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and over upon the + knight. All was dark before him; his brain reeled; it whizzed; something + came crashing down on his forehead. St. Waltheof and all the saints of the + Saxon calendar protect the knight! . . . + </p> + <p> + When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances were + leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit's elixir. “We arrived here + the day after the battle,” said the fool; “marry, I have a knack of that.” + </p> + <p> + “Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with your + worship,” said the lieutenant. + </p> + <p> + “The day—after—the bat—” groaned Ivanhoe. “Where is the + Lady Rowena?” + </p> + <p> + “The castle has been taken and sacked,” the lieutenant said, and pointed + to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of smoking ruins. Not + a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not a single human being! + Everything was flame and ruin, smash and murther! + </p> + <p> + Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven + men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had applied a + second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he came to life + again. The good knight was, however, from long practice, so accustomed to + the severest wounds, that he bore them far more easily than common folk, + and thus was enabled to reach York upon a litter, which his men + constructed for him, with tolerable ease. + </p> + <p> + Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel where he + stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at Rotherwood. A minute or + two after his horse was stabbed, and Ivanhoe knocked down, the western + bartizan was taken by the storming-party which invested it, and every soul + slain, except Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon horses and carried + away, under a secure guard, to one of the King's castles—nobody knew + whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the hotel-keeper (whose house he + had used in former times) to reassume his wig and spectacles, and not call + himself by his own name any more, lest some of the King's people should + lay hands on him. However, as he had killed everybody round about him, + there was but little danger of his discovery; and the Knight of the + Spectacles, as he was called, went about York quite unmolested, and at + liberty to attend to his own affairs. + </p> + <p> + We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero's + existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection, and the + description of mere sentiment is considered by many well-informed persons + to be tedious. What WERE his sentiments now, it may be asked, under the + peculiar position in which he found himself? He had done his duty by + Rowena, certainly: no man could say otherwise. But as for being in love + with her any more, after what had occurred, that was a different question. + Well, come what would, he was determined still to continue doing his duty + by her;—but as she was whisked away the deuce knew whither, how + could he do anything? So he resigned himself to the fact that she was thus + whisked away. + </p> + <p> + He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to find out + where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of intelligence; + and it was remarked, that he still remained in a perfect state of + resignation. He remained in this condition for a year, or more; and it was + said that he was becoming more cheerful, and he certainly was growing + rather fat. The Knight of the Spectacles was voted an agreeable man in a + grave way; and gave some very elegant, though quiet, parties, and was + received in the best society of York. + </p> + <p> + It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived, and + the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney, whom we have + mentioned as Sir Wilfrid's man of business, and a most respectable man, + called upon his gallant client at his lodgings, and said he had a + communication of importance to make. Having to communicate with a client + of rank, who was condemned to be hanged for forgery, Sir Roger de + Backbite, the attorney said, he had been to visit that party in the + condemned cell; and on the way through the yard, and through the bars of + another cell, had seen and recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid + of Ivanhoe—and the lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a + note, written on a piece of whity-brown paper. + </p> + <p> + What were Ivanhoe's sensations when he recognized the handwriting of + Rowena!—he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “MY DEAREST IVANHOE,—For I am thine now as erst, and my first love + was ever—ever dear to me. Have I been near thee dying for a whole + year, and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena? Have ye given to + others—I mention not their name nor their odious creed—the + heart that ought to be mine? I send thee my forgiveness from my dying + pallet of straw.—I forgive thee the insults I have received, the + cold and hunger I have endured, the failing health of my boy, the + bitterness of my prison, thy infatuation about that Jewess, which made our + married life miserable, and which caused thee, I am sure, to go abroad to + look after her. I forgive thee all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee + farewell. Mr. Smith hath gained over my gaoler—he will tell thee how + I may see thee. Come and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt + care for my boy—HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent) + combating by the side of ROWENA.” + </p> + <p> + The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe was + likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he inquired of Mr. + Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that gentleman had devised + for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was informed that he was to get a + barrister's gown and wig, when the gaoler would introduce him into the + interior of the prison. These decorations, knowing several gentlemen of + the Northern Circuit, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with + feelings of no small trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space + of a year, poor Rowena had been immured. + </p> + <p> + If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical exactness + of this narrative, I refer him to the “Biographie Universelle” (article + Jean sans Terre), which says, “La femme d'un baron auquel on vint demander + son fils, repondit, 'Le roi pense-t-il que je confierai mon fils a un + homme qui a egorge son neveu de sa propre main?' Jean fit enlever la mere + et l'enfant, et la laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les cachots.” + </p> + <p> + I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing this + disagreeable sentence. All her virtues, her resolution, her chaste energy + and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and, for the first time + since the commencement of the history, I feel that I am partially + reconciled to her. The weary year passes—she grows weaker and more + languid, thinner and thinner! At length Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a + barrister of the Northern Circuit, is introduced to her cell, and finds + his lady in the last stage of exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon, + with her little boy in her arms. She has preserved his life at the expense + of her own, giving him the whole of the pittance which her gaolers allowed + her, and perishing herself of inanition. + </p> + <p> + There is a scene! I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with this + lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing her with + so sublime a death-bed. Fancy Ivanhoe's entrance—their recognition—the + faint blush upon her worn features—the pathetic way in which she + gives little Cedric in charge to him, and his promises of protection. + </p> + <p> + “Wilfrid, my early loved,” slowly gasped she, removing her gray hair from + her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as he nestled on + Ivanhoe's knee—“promise me, by St. Waltheof of Templestowe—promise + me one boon!” + </p> + <p> + “I do,” said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that little + innocent the promise was intended to apply. + </p> + <p> + “By St. Waltheof?” + </p> + <p> + “By St. Waltheof!” + </p> + <p> + “Promise me, then,” gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, “that you never + will marry a Jewess?” + </p> + <p> + “By St. Waltheof,” cried Ivanhoe, “this is too much, Rowena!”—But he + felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the pale lips + ceased to quiver—she was no more! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> + <h3> + IVANHOE THE WIDOWER. + </h3> + <p> + Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in + Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe quitted + a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in which his stay + was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that King John would hang + him, if ever he could lay hands on the faithful follower of King Richard + and Prince Arthur. + </p> + <p> + But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a brave and + pious knight. A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched field against the + Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned infidel, or a road to Paradise + carved out by his scimitar,—these were the height of the ambition of + good and religious warriors; and so renowned a champion as Sir Wilfrid of + Ivanhoe was sure to be well received wherever blows were stricken for the + cause of Christendom. Even among the dark Templars, he who had twice + overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a respected though not a + welcome guest: but among the opposition company of the Knights of St. + John, he was admired and courted beyond measure; and always affectioning + that Order, which offered him, indeed, its first rank and commanderies, he + did much good service; fighting in their ranks for the glory of heaven and + St. Waltheof, and slaying many thousands of the heathen in Prussia, + Poland, and those savage Northern countries. The only fault that the great + and gallant, though severe and ascetic Folko of Heydenbraten, the chief of + the Order of St. John, found with the melancholy warrior, whose lance did + such good service to the cause, was, that he did not persecute the Jews as + so religious a knight should. He let off sundry captives of that + persuasion whom he had taken with his sword and his spear, saved others + from torture, and actually ransomed the two last grinders of a venerable + rabbi (that Roger de Cartright, an English knight of the Order, was about + to extort from the elderly Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal + ring, which were all the property he possessed. Whenever he so ransomed or + benefited one of this religion, he would moreover give them a little token + or a message (were the good knight out of money), saying, “Take this + token, and remember this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited, for + the services whilome rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac of + York!” So among themselves, and in their meetings and synagogues, and in + their restless travels from land to land, when they of Jewry cursed and + reviled all Christians, as such abominable heathens will, they + nevertheless excepted the name of the Desdichado, or the + doubly-disinherited as he now was, the Desdichado-Doblado. + </p> + <p> + The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir Wilfrid + took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping off one heathen's + head with an axe must be very like the decapitation of any other + unbeliever. Suffice it to say, that wherever this kind of work was to be + done, and Sir Wilfrid was in the way, he was the man to perform it. It + would astonish you were you to see the account that Wamba kept of his + master's achievements, and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians, slain + or maimed by his hand. And as, in those days, a reputation for valor had + an immense effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even the ugliest man, + were he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by Beauty: so Ivanhoe, + who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming rather elderly, made + conquests over female breasts as well as over Saracens, and had more than + one direct offer of marriage made to him by princesses, countesses, and + noble ladies possessing both charms and money, which they were anxious to + place at the disposal of a champion so renowned. It is related that the + Duchess Regent of Kartoffelberg offered him her hand, and the ducal crown + of Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued from the unbelieving Prussians; but + Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess's offer, by riding away from her capital + secretly at midnight and hiding himself in a convent of Knights + Hospitallers on the borders of Poland. And it is a fact that the Princess + Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most lovely woman of her time, + became so frantically attached to him, that she followed him on a + campaign, and was discovered with his baggage disguised as a horse-boy. + But no princess, no beauty, no female blandishments had any charms for + Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more austere celibacy. The severity of his + morals contrasted so remarkably with the lax and dissolute manner of the + young lords and nobles in the courts which he frequented, that these young + springalds would sometimes sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but his + courage in the day of battle was so terrible and admirable, that I promise + you the youthful libertines did not sneer THEN; and the most reckless of + them often turned pale when they couched their lances to follow Ivanhoe. + Holy Waltheof! it was an awful sight to see him with his pale calm face, + his shield upon his breast, his heavy lance before him, charging a + squadron of heathen Bohemians, or a regiment of Cossacks! Wherever he saw + the enemy, Ivanhoe assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him, + and said if he attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army, he + would be slain, “And suppose I be?” he answered, giving them to understand + that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over altogether. + </p> + <p> + While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was + carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen the good + cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians had met with + such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors as had never been + known in the proudest day of Saladin. + </p> + <p> + Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is known all + over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle of Alarcos, + gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz, on which fatal day + Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it was feared the Spanish + peninsula would be entirely wrested away from the dominion of the Cross. + On that day the Franks lost 150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners. A man-slave + sold among the unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for the same; a sword, + half a dirhem; a horse, five dirhems. Hundreds of thousands of these + various sorts of booty were in the possession of the triumphant followers + of Yakoobal-Mansoor. Curses on his head! But he was a brave warrior, and + the Christians before him seemed to forget that they were the descendants + of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the Moorish hounds (in their jargon) + denominated the famous Campeador. + </p> + <p> + A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain—a crusade + against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout Europe by + all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands of valorous + knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets and vassals of the + lower sort, trooped from all sides to the rescue. The Straits of + Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor, passing from Barbary, first + planted his accursed foot on the Christian soil, were crowded with the + galleys of the Templars and the Knights of St. John, who flung succors + into the menaced kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed with + their ships hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and + Byzantium, from Jaffa and Ascalon. The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons + and glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into + Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia, where + Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the news of the + defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians, Ivanhoe landed at + Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors forthwith. + </p> + <p> + He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of Heydenbraten, + the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the venerable Baldomero + de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned order of Saint Jago. The chief + of Saint Jago's knights paid the greatest respect to a warrior whose fame + was already so widely known in Christendom; and Ivanhoe had the pleasure + of being appointed to all the posts of danger and forlorn hopes that could + be devised in his honor. He would be called up twice or thrice in a night + to fight the Moors: he led ambushes, scaled breaches, was blown up by + mines; was wounded many hundred times (recovering, thanks to the elixir, + of which Wamba always carried a supply); he was the terror of the + Saracens, and the admiration and wonder of the Christians. + </p> + <p> + To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day's battle was like + that of another. I am not writing in ten volumes like Monsieur Alexandre + Dumas, or even in three like other great authors. We have no room for the + recounting of Sir Wilfrid's deeds of valor. Whenever he took a Moorish + town, it was remarked, that he went anxiously into the Jewish quarter, and + inquired amongst the Hebrews, who were in great numbers in Spain, for + Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac. Many Jews, according to his wont, he + ransomed, and created so much scandal by this proceeding, and by the + manifest favor which he showed to the people of that nation, that the + Master of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and it is probable he would + have been cast into the Inquisition and roasted, but that his prodigious + valor and success against the Moors counterbalanced his heretical + partiality for the children of Jacob. + </p> + <p> + It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona in + Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and slaying, + with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and several hundred + more of its unbelieving defenders. He had very nearly done for the + Alfaqui, or governor—a veteran warrior with a crooked scimitar and a + beard as white as snow—but a couple of hundred of the Alfaqui's + bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe and their chief, and the old + fellow escaped with his life, leaving a handful of his beard in the grasp + of the English knight. The strictly military business being done, and such + of the garrison as did not escape put, as by right, to the sword, the good + knight, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part in the proceedings of + the conquerors of that ill-fated place. A scene of horrible massacre and + frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian warriors, hot with victory + and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be feared, as savage in their + hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies had been. + </p> + <p> + Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious Knight of + Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y Espelon. Raging + through the vanquished city like a demon, he slaughtered indiscriminately + all those infidels of both sexes whose wealth did not tempt him to a + ransom, or whose beauty did not reserve them for more frightful calamities + than death. The slaughter over, Don Beltran took up his quarters in the + Albaycen, where the Alfaqui had lived who had so narrowly escaped the + sword of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure, the slaves, and the family + of the fugitive chieftain, were left in possession of the conqueror of + Xixona. Among the treasures, Don Beltran recognized with a savage joy the + coat-armors and ornaments of many brave and unfortunate companions-in-arms + who had fallen in the fatal battle of Alarcos. The sight of those bloody + relics added fury to his cruel disposition, and served to steel a heart + already but little disposed to sentiments of mercy. + </p> + <p> + Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was seated + in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui, lying in his + divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains playing in the centre, the + slaves of the Moor ministering to his scarred and rugged Christian + conqueror. Some fanned him with peacocks' pinions, some danced before him, + some sang Moor's melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla, one—it + was the only daughter of the Moor's old age, the young Zutulbe, a rosebud + of beauty—sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping for + her slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were + blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for her + father, whose home had been thus made desolate. + </p> + <p> + He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at chess, a + favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a messenger was + announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for the ransom of the + remaining part of the Alfaqui's family. A grim smile lighted up Don + Beltran's features as he bade the black slave admit the messenger. He + entered. By his costume it was at once seen that the bearer of the flag of + truce was a Jew—the people were employed continually then as + ambassadors between the two races at war in Spain. + </p> + <p> + “I come,” said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid start), + “from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible Don Beltran de + Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor's only daughter, the child + of his old age and the pearl of his affection.” + </p> + <p> + “A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew. What does the Moorish dog bid for + her?” asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly. + </p> + <p> + “The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their + caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and rubies to + the amount of 1,000,000 dinars.” + </p> + <p> + “Ho, slaves!” roared Don Beltran, “show the Jew my treasury of gold. How + many hundred thousand pieces are there?” And ten enormous chests were + produced in which the accountant counted 1,000 bags of 1,000 dirhems each, + and displayed several caskets of jewels containing such a treasure of + rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and jacinths, as made the eyes of the aged + ambassador twinkle with avarice. + </p> + <p> + “How many horses are there in my stable?” continued Don Beltran; and + Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully caparisoned; + and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for as many cavaliers, + who followed the banner of this doughty captain. + </p> + <p> + “I want neither money nor armor,” said the ferocious knight; “tell this to + the Alfaqui, Jew. And I will keep the child, his daughter, to serve the + messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my scullions.” + </p> + <p> + “Deprive not the old man of his child,” here interposed the Knight of + Ivanhoe; “bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant in years.” + </p> + <p> + “She is my captive, Sir Knight,” replied the surly Don Beltran; “I will do + with my own as becomes me.” + </p> + <p> + “Take 200,000 dirhems,” cried the Jew; “more!—anything! The Alfaqui + will give his life for his child!” + </p> + <p> + “Come hither, Zutulbe!—come hither, thou Moorish pearl!” yelled the + ferocious warrior; “come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of + heathenesse! Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?” + </p> + <p> + “There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers slew + the Christian dogs!” said the proud young girl, looking boldly at Don + Beltran, who foamed with rage. + </p> + <p> + “The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in our + castle of Murcia,” Beltran said. + </p> + <p> + “Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!” cried the + high-spirited girl. + </p> + <p> + “By Saint Jago, this is too much!” screamed the infuriated nobleman; and + the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden fell to the ground with + Don Beltran's dagger in her side. + </p> + <p> + “Death is better than dishonor!” cried the child, rolling on the + blood-stained marble pavement. “I—I spit upon thee, dog of a + Christian!” and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back and + died. + </p> + <p> + “Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui,” howled the Don, spurning the + beauteous corpse with his foot. “I would not have ransomed her for all the + gold in Barbary!” And shuddering, the old Jew left the apartment, which + Ivanhoe quitted likewise. + </p> + <p> + When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew, “Isaac of + York, dost thou not know me?” and threw back his hood, and looked at the + old man. + </p> + <p> + The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand, then + started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his withered hands + over his face, said, with a burst of grief, “Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe!—no, + no!—I do not know thee!” + </p> + <p> + “Holy mother! what has chanced?” said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming + ghastly pale; “where is thy daughter—where is Rebecca?” + </p> + <p> + “Away from me!” said the old Jew, tottering. “Away Rebecca is—dead!” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell to the + ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly distraught with + grief. He took no nourishment and uttered no word. For weeks he did not + relapse out of his moody silence, and when he came partially to himself + again, it was to bid his people to horse, in a hollow voice, and to make a + foray against the Moors. Day after day he issued out against these + infidels, and did nought but slay and slay. He took no plunder as other + knights did, but left that to his followers; he uttered no war-cry, as was + the manner of chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch that the “silent + knight” became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada and Andalusia, and + more fell by his lance than by that of any the most clamorous captains of + the troops in arms against them. Thus the tide of battle turned, and the + Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at the great battle of Al Akab, + called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the Christians retrieved their defeat + at Alarcos, and absolutely killed half a milllion of Mahometans. Fifty + thousand of these, of course, Don Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it + was remarked that the melancholy warrior seemed somewhat more easy in + spirits after that famous feat of arms. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE. + </h3> + <p> + In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off so many + of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants poured continual + reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could make no head against + the Christian forces, and in fact came into battle quite discouraged at + the notion of meeting the dreadful silent knight. It was commonly believed + amongst them, that the famous Malek Ric, Richard of England, the conqueror + of Saladin, had come to life again, and was battling in the Spanish hosts—that + this, his second life, was a charmed one, and his body inaccessible to + blow of scimitar or thrust of spear—that after battle he ate the + hearts and drank the blood of many young Moors for his supper: a thousand + wild legends were told of Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the Morisco warriors + came half vanquished into the field, and fell an easy prey to the + Spaniards, who cut away among them without mercy. And although none of the + Spanish historians whom I have consulted make mention of Sir Wilfrid as + the real author of the numerous triumphs which now graced the arms of the + good cause, this is not in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that + has always been notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their + debts of gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes + histories of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making + the slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the part + taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction. Well, it must be confessed, on + the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers' feats in those + campaigns: but this is not the subject at present under consideration. + </p> + <p> + To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers, that the + monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily enabled to besiege + the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which the Moors had in his + dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of those infidels under the + command of their King Aboo Abdallah Mahommed, son of Yakoobal-Mansoor. The + Arabian historian El Makary gives a full account of the military + precautions taken by Aboo Abdallah to defend his city; but as I do not + wish to make a parade of my learning, or to write a costume novel, I shall + pretermit any description of the city under its Moorish governors. + </p> + <p> + Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls great + store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always protected by the + Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and who were, as we very + well know, the chief physicians, the chief bankers, the chief statesmen, + the chief artists and musicians, the chief everything, under the Moorish + kings. Thus it is not surprising that the Hebrews, having their money, + their liberty, their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan + domination, should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath + which they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits. + </p> + <p> + Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite—no + other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with his + daughter, soon after Ivanhoe's marriage, in the third volume of the first + part of this history. Isaac was respected by his people for the money + which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable good qualities, her + beauty, her charities, and her remarkable medical skill. + </p> + <p> + The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that though she + was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to marry her, and + install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of York would not have + objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages were not uncommon between + the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but Rebecca firmly yet respectfully + declined the proposals of the prince, saying that it was impossible she + should unite herself with a man of a creed different to her own. + </p> + <p> + Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this chance + of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed among his + people for a very strict character, and there were in his family several + rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct, the old gentleman was + silenced by this objection of Rebecca's, and the young lady herself + applauded by her relatives for her resolute behavior. She took their + congratulations in a very frigid manner, and said that it was her wish not + to marry at all, but to devote herself to the practice of medicine + altogether, and to helping the sick and needy of her people. Indeed, + although she did not go to any public meetings, she was as benevolent a + creature as the world ever saw: the poor blessed her wherever they knew + her, and many benefited by her who guessed not whence her gentle bounty + came. + </p> + <p> + But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even heard, + appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of both, that all + the most desirable bachelors of the people were ready to bid for her. + Ambassadors came from all quarters to propose for her. Her own uncle, the + venerable Ben Solomons, with a beard as long as a cashmere goat's, and a + reputation for learning and piety which still lives in his nation, + quarrelled with his son Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of + Trebizond, and his son Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each + putting in a claim for their cousin. Ben Minories came from London and + knelt at her feet; Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to dazzle + her with the latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben Jonah + brought her a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come back and + be Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague. + </p> + <p> + Rebecca temporized as best she might. She thought her uncle was too old. + She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel with each other, + and offend their father by pressing their suit. Ben Minories from London, + she said, was too young, and Jochanan from Paris, she pointed out to Isaac + of York, must be a spendthrift, or he would not wear those absurd + waistcoats. As for Ben Jonah, she said, she could not bear the notion of + tobacco and Dutch herrings: she wished to stay with her papa, her dear + papa. In fine, she invented a thousand excuses for delay, and it was plain + that marriage was odious to her. The only man whom she received with + anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with whom she was + very familiar. But Bevis had come to her with a certain token that had + been given to him by an English knight, who saved him from a fagot to + which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten was about to condemn + him. It was but a ring, with an emerald in it, that Bevis knew to be sham, + and not worth a groat. Rebecca knew about the value of jewels too; but ah! + she valued this one more than all the diamonds in Prester John's turban. + She kissed it; she cried over it; she wore it in her bosom always and when + she knelt down at night and morning, she held it between her folded hands + on her neck. . . . Young Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than + the others; the rascal sold to the King of France a handsome ruby, the + very size of the bit of glass in Rebecca's ring; but he always said he + would rather have had her than ten thousand pounds: and very likely he + would, for it was known she would at once have a plum to her fortune. + </p> + <p> + These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great family + meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered to choose a + husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts pointing out the + great kindness which had been shown to her by her father, in permitting + her to choose for herself. One aunt was of the Solomon faction, another + aunt took Simeon's side, a third most venerable old lady—the head of + the family, and a hundred and forty-four years of age—was ready to + pronounce a curse upon her, and cast her out, unless she married before + the month was over. All the jewelled heads of all the old ladies in + council, all the beards of all the family, wagged against her: it must + have been an awful sight to witness. + </p> + <p> + At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak. “Kinsmen!” she said, turning + pale, “when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I told you I would + not wed but with one of my own faith.” + </p> + <p> + “She has turned Turk,” screamed out the ladies. “She wants to be a + princess, and has turned Turk,” roared the rabbis. + </p> + <p> + “Well, well,” said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, “let us hear what + the poor girl has got to say. Do you want to marry his royal highness, + Rebecca? Say the word, yes or no.” + </p> + <p> + Another groan burst from the rabbis—they cried, shrieked, chattered, + gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the women, that she + should reign over them a second Esther. + </p> + <p> + “Silence,” cried out Isaac; “let the girl speak. Speak boldly, Rebecca + dear, there's a good girl.” + </p> + <p> + Rebecca was as pale as a stone. She folded her arms on her breast, and + felt the ring there. She looked round all the assembly, and then at Isaac. + “Father,” she said, in a thrilling low steady voice, “I am not of your + religion—I am not of the Prince Boabdil's religion—I—I + am of HIS religion.” + </p> + <p> + “His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?” cried Isaac. + </p> + <p> + Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round with + dauntless eyes. “Of his,” she said, “who saved my life and your honor: of + my dear, dear champion's. I never can be his, but I will be no other's. + Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they long for. Take the dross, + Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan, and divide it among you, and leave + me. I will never be yours, I tell you, never. Do you think, after knowing + him and hearing him speak,—after watching him wounded on his pillow, + and glorious in battle” (her eyes melted and kindled again as she spoke + these words), “I can mate with such as you? Go. Leave me to myself. I am + none of yours. I love him—I love him. Fate divides us—long, + long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again. But I love and + bless him always. Yes, always. My prayers are his; my faith is his. Yes, + my faith is your faith, Wilfrid—Wilfrid! I have no kindred more,—I + am a Christian!” + </p> + <p> + At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my feeble pen + would in vain endeavor to depict. Old Isaac staggered back in a fit, and + nobody took the least notice of him. Groans, curses, yells of men, shrieks + of women, filled the room with such a furious jabbering, as might have + appalled any heart less stout than Rebecca's; but that brave woman was + prepared for all; expecting, and perhaps hoping, that death would be her + instant lot. There was but one creature who pitied her, and that was her + cousin and father's clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but thirteen, and + had only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and boo-hooing, as + she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and maledictions of the + elder Israelites. Ben Davids was madly in love with his cousin (as boys + often are with ladies of twice their age), and he had presence of mind + suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp on the table, which + illuminated the angry conclave; then, whispering to Rebecca to go up to + her own room and lock herself in, or they would kill her else, he took her + hand and led her out. + </p> + <p> + From that day she disappeared from among her people. The poor and the + wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain. Had any violence been done + to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put all Isaac's family to + death; and besides, her old flame, Prince Boabdil, would have also been + exceedingly wrathful. She was not killed then, but, so to speak, buried + alive, and locked up in Isaac's back-kitchen: an apartment into which + scarcely any light entered, and where she was fed upon scanty portions of + the most mouldy bread and water. Little Ben Davids was the only person who + visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to him about Ivanhoe, + and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how true; and how he + slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and how he married a lady whom + Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him, but with whom she prayed he might + be happy; and of what color his eyes were, and what were the arms on his + shield—viz, a tree with the word “Desdichado” written underneath, + &c. &c. &c.: all which talk would not have interested little + Davids, had it come from anybody else's mouth, but to which he never tired + of listening as it fell from her sweet lips. + </p> + <p> + So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don Beltran de + Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui's daughter of Xixona, our dearest + Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it was in his rage and fury + against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that cavalier the falsehood which caused + the knight so much pain and such a prodigious deal of bloodshed to the + Moors: and who knows, trivial as it may seem, whether it was not that very + circumstance which caused the destruction in Spain of the Moorish power? + </p> + <p> + Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that Ivanhoe had + cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it from his employer; + and he saved Rebecca's life by communicating the intelligence, for the + poor thing would have infallibly perished but for this good news. She had + now been in prison four years three months and twenty-four days, during + which time she had partaken of nothing but bread and water (except such + occasional tit-bits as Davids could bring her—and these were few + indeed; for old Isaac was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had more than a + pair of eggs for his own and Davids' dinner); and she was languishing + away, when the news came suddenly to revive her. Then, though in the + darkness you could not see her cheeks, they began to bloom again: then her + heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and she kissed the ring on her + neck a thousand times a day at least; and her constant question was, “Ben + Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to besiege Valencia?” She knew he + would come: and, indeed, the Christians were encamped before the town ere + a month was over. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that dark scene + of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat, painted stone-color, + that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of light flashing out, as though + they were preparing a most brilliant, gorgeous, and altogether dazzling + illumination, with effects never before attempted on any stage. Yes, the + fairy in the pretty pink tights and spangled muslin is getting into the + brilliant revolving chariot of the realms of bliss.—Yes, most of the + fiddlers and trumpeters have gone round from the orchestra to join in the + grand triumphal procession, where the whole strength of the company is + already assembled, arrayed in costumes of Moorish and Christian chivalry, + to celebrate the “Terrible Escalade,” the “Rescue of Virtuous Innocence”—the + “Grand Entry of the Christians into Valencia”—“Appearance of the + Fairy Day-Star,” and “Unexampled displays of pyrotechnic festivity.” Do + you not, I say, perceive that we are come to the end of our history; and, + after a quantity of rapid and terrific fighting, brilliant change of + scenery, and songs, appropriate or otherwise, are bringing our hero and + heroine together? Who wants a long scene at the last? Mammas are putting + the girls' cloaks and boas on; papas have gone out to look for the + carriage, and left the box-door swinging open, and letting in the cold + air: if there WERE any stage-conversation, you could not hear it, for the + scuffling of the people who are leaving the pit. See, the orange-women are + preparing to retire. To-morrow their play-bills will be as so much + waste-paper—so will some of our masterpieces, woe is me: but lo! + here we come to Scene the last, and Valencia is besieged and captured by + the Christians. + </p> + <p> + Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard of the + Prophet? Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d'ye-call'im, just + as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de Cuchillay &c.? + Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks of the inhabitants who + are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and by a little boy by the name + of Ben Davids, who recognizes the knight by his shield, finds Isaac of + York egorge on a threshold, and clasping a large back-kitchen key? Who but + Ivanhoe—who but Wilfrid? “An Ivanhoe to the rescue,” he bellows out; + he has heard that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing. And + who is it that comes out of the house—trembling—panting—with + her arms out—in a white dress—with her hair down—who is + it but dear Rebecca? Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving + an immense banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with a + ham, which he happens to have in his pocket. . . . As for Rebecca, now her + head is laid upon Ivanhoe's heart, I shall not ask to hear what she is + whispering, or describe further that scene of meeting; though I declare I + am quite affected when I think of it. Indeed I have thought of it any time + these five-and-twenty years—ever since, as a boy at school, I + commenced the noble study of novels—ever since the day when, lying + on sunny slopes of half-holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and + beautiful shapes of knights and ladies were visible to me—ever since + I grew to love Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet's fancy, and + longed to see her righted. + </p> + <p> + That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena's promise + extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess, and a better + Christian than Rebecca now was never said her catechism. Married I am sure + they were, and adopted little Cedric; but I don't think they had any other + children, or were subsequently very boisterously happy. Of some sort of + happiness melancholy is a characteristic, and I think these were a solemn + pair, and died rather early. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. + </h2> + <h3> + [FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.] + </h3> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> + <p> + It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular than + those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of France was + battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal claims, merits, + bravery, and popularity. First in the list we place—His Royal + Highness Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna Maria, Duke of Brittany, and + son of Louis XVI. The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate + parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that place of + confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the ruffians who guarded him had + caused the young Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the cocked-hat + of the Representative, Roederer. It is well known that, in the troublous + revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a considerable size. + </p> + <p> + He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined there + for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping thence to + England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from political + hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not be + confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim to be children of + the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution. + </p> + <p> + The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. In the year 1843 he + held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a forgotten + district of London, called Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France + flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant of the + throne; and some of the chiefs of the British nobility—among whom + may be reckoned the celebrated and chivalrous Duke of Jenkins—aided + the adventurous young Prince with their counsels, their wealth, and their + valor. + </p> + <p> + The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas Napoleon—a + fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some to be a Prince of + the House of Gomersal. He argued justly that, as the immediate relatives + of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete for the crown which was + their right, he, Prince John Thomas, being next in succession, was, + undoubtedly, heir to the vacant imperial throne. And in support of his + claim, he appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and the strength of his + good sword. + </p> + <p> + His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious + wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired to + wrest from him. It does not appear that the sagacious monarch was esteemed + by his subjects, as such a prince should have been esteemed. The + light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary than otherwise of + his sway. They were not in the least attached to his amiable family, for + whom his Majesty with characteristic thrift had endeavored to procure + satisfactory allowances. And the leading statesmen of the country, whom + his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of entertaining any but feelings + of loyalty towards his house and person. + </p> + <p> + It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe (now nearly + a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns, was called upon to + defend his crown. + </p> + <p> + The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and + twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each—provisioned for a + considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were, upon + the palace of the Tuileries. Thus, should the mob attack it, as in August + 1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in an hour; + thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign invasion. Another + defence against the foreigners was the state of the roads. Since the + English companies had retired, half a mile only of railroad had been + completed in France, and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe now + are, to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye'd to death + before they could have marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the Alpine, + or the Pyrenean frontier upon the capital of France. The French people, + however, were indignant at this defect of communication in their + territory, and said, without the least show of reason, that they would + have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions of + francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should have been + laid out in a more peaceful manner. However, behind his forts, the King + lay secure. + </p> + <p> + As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the strange + events of the period, the actions, the passions of individuals and parties + engaged, we cannot better describe them than by referring to contemporary + documents, of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the present day to + read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal des Debats the accounts + of the strange scenes which took place. + </p> + <p> + The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court of the Tuileries had + been extremely gay. The three-and-twenty youngest Princes of England, sons + of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence; the + Emperor of Russia and family had paid their accustomed visit; and the King + of the Belgians had, as usual, made his visit to his royal father-in-law, + under pretence of duty and pleasure, but really to demand payment of the + Queen of the Belgians' dowry, which Louis Philippe of Orleans still + resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought that in the midst of + such festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of such quiet, + rebellion? + </p> + <p> + Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this + repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to the + throne of Louis XVI. + </p> + <p> + But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same journal + contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious import; in + which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was easy to see the + Government alarm. + </p> + <p> + On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a + paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so absurd + did its contents seem. It ran as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.! A letter from Calais tells us that a strange + personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we believe) has been + giving himself out to be the son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is the + twenty-fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his father + was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his pretensions, the poor + creature is said to be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one or two + old women, who declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he does not make + any attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but waits until + heaven shall conduct him to it. + </p> + <p> + “If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his quarters in + the palace of Charenton. + </p> + <p> + “We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been afloat + (among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the metropolis), + that a notorious personage—why should we hesitate to mention the + name of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?—has entered France with + culpable intentions, and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of this + morning, however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A pretender is on our + shores; an armed assassin is threatening our peaceful liberties; a + wandering, homeless cut-throat is robbing on our highways; and the + punishment of his crime awaits him. Let no considerations of the past + defer that just punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to provide + for THE FUTURE. Let the full powers of the law be brought against him, + aided by the stern justice of the public force. Let him be tracked, like a + wild beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has, + ere this, been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been + distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale-houses and + peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which he lurks); and + the Police have an easy means of tracking his footsteps. + </p> + <p> + “Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the unfortunate + young man. His attempt will only serve to show the folly of the + pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity, admiration, + reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which we hold our beloved + sovereign.” + </p> + <p> + “SECOND EDITION! “CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE. + </p> + <p> + “A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that after a + scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 'Imperial Army,' in a water-barrel, + whither the latter had retreated, victory has remained with the former. A + desperate combat ensued in the first place, in a hay-loft, whence the + pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now a prisoner—and we + dread to think what his fate may be! It will warn future aspirants, and + give Europe a lesson which it is not likely to forget. Above all, it will + set beyond a doubt the regard, respect, admiration, reverence, and + adoration which we all feel for our sovereign.” + </p> + <p> + “THIRD EDITION. + </p> + <p> + “A second courier has arrived. The infatuated Crane has made common cause + with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of Frenchmen. A + detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit of the pretender and + his dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer! Remember that it is our rights + you guard, our homes which you march to defend; our laws which are + confided to the points of your unsullied bayonets;—above all, our + dear, dear sovereign, around whose throne you rally! + </p> + <p> + “Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th, remember your watchword is + Gemappes,—your countersign, Valmy.” + </p> + <p> + “The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the Tuileries + this day. His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the King of the French + with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their RR. HH. the Princes of + Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of the Order of the Blue Eagle.” + </p> + <p> + “His Majesty passed a review of the Police force. The venerable monarch + was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and disinterested + body of men. Those cheers were echoed in all French hearts. Long, long may + our beloved Prince be among us to receive them!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> + <h3> + HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III. + </h3> + <p> + Sunday, February 30th. + </p> + <p> + We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a third + pretender to the throne:— + </p> + <p> + “Is this distracted country never to have peace? While on Friday we + recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of France; while + on Saturday we were compelled to register the culpable attempts of one + whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar, and + common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of Frenchmen—it is + to-day our painful duty to announce a THIRD invasion—yes, a third + invasion. The wretched, superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has landed + at Nantz, and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount the white + cockade. + </p> + <p> + “Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor? Do we not repose under + the majestic shadow of the best of kings? Is there any name prouder than + that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign? Does + not the whole French family adore their father? Yes. Our lives, our + hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his disposal: it was not in vain + that we raised, it is not the first time we have rallied round, the august + throne of July. The unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by this time; + and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge one infamous + traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another. Away with + both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal to his + race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the other + pretender. Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the manes + of a slaughtered martyr avenged! + </p> + <p> + “One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the + descendant of Caroline of Naples. An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous! An + English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still dancing in + our royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion end?” + </p> + <p> + “The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police. The usual + heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked younger than ever + we saw him—ay, as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at + Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes. + </p> + <p> + “Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were distributed + to all the men. + </p> + <p> + “The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three + coaches-and-four. They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of + Honor. This is significant.” + </p> + <p> + “The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the departments of + the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the command of the troops. + The Joinville regiment—Cavalerie de la Marine—is one of the + finest in the service.” + </p> + <p> + “Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself Duke of + Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the Pas de Calais.” + </p> + <p> + “ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.—At the review of troops (Police) + yesterday, his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling him by + the ear, said, 'Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of wine?' The old + hero, smiling archly, answered, 'Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any + day of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a drink of wine.' + We need not say that he had his drink, and the generous sovereign sent him + the cross and ribbon too.” + </p> + <p> + On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a + despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the throne. In + spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears from + the following remarks of the Debats:— + </p> + <p> + “The courier from the Rhine department,” says the Debats, “brings us the + following astounding Proclamation:— + </p> + <p> + “'Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one and + indivisible. We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of the Empire, + Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals, generals, officers, and + soldiers, greeting: + </p> + <p> + “'Soldiers! + </p> + <p> + “'From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon you. The + sun of Austerlitz has risen once more. The Guard dies, but never + surrenders. My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop + till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame. + </p> + <p> + “'Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile. I have + seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now withering, and I have + communed with the dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are our + children? Where is France? Europe no longer glitters with the shine of its + triumphant bayonets—echoes no more with the shouts of its victorious + cannon. Who could reply to such a question save with a blush?—And + does a blush become the cheeks of Frenchmen? + </p> + <p> + “'No. Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame. Come, as of + old, and rally round my eagles! You have been subject to fiddling prudence + long enough. Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have been + promised liberty, but you have had none. I will endow you with the true, + the real freedom. When your ancestors burst over the Alps, were they not + free? Yes; free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of those + indomitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once more trample + over her; march in triumph into her prostrate capitals, and bring her + kings with her treasures at our feet. This is the liberty worthy of + Frenchmen. + </p> + <p> + “'Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you; and + that England shall rank no more among the nations. I will have a marine + that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my brave regiments will + do the rest. Henceforth, the traveller in that desert island shall ask, + “Was it this wretched corner of the world that for a thousand years defied + Frenchmen?” + </p> + <p> + “'Frenchmen, up and rally!—I have flung my banner to the breezes; + 'tis surrounded by the faithful and the brave. Up, and let our motto be, + LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL OVER THE WORLD! + </p> + <p> + “'NAPOLEON III. + </p> + <p> + “'The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.' + </p> + <p> + “Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and bloody + adventurer holds out to our country. 'War all over the world,' is the cry + of the savage demon; and the fiends who have rallied round him echo it in + concert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a corporal's + guard had been sufficient to seize upon the marauder, when the first fire + would have served to conclude his miserable life. But, like a hideous + disease, the contagion has spread; the remedy must be dreadful. Woe to + those on whom it will fall! + </p> + <p> + “His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has + hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and takes with + him his Cavalerie de la Marine. It is hard to think that the blades of + those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen: but so + be it: it is those monsters who have asked for blood, not we. It is those + ruffians who have begun the quarrel, not we. WE remain calm and hopeful, + reposing under the protection of the dearest and best of sovereigns. + </p> + <p> + “The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has been + seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the Prefect of + Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has + been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all incendiary + enemies of our Government be overcome! + </p> + <p> + “His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department of the + Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in the disturbed + districts of the Bocage and La Vendee. The foolish young Prince, who has + there raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by a small number of + wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every moment to receive the + news. He too has issued his Proclamation, and our readers will smile at + its contents: + </p> + <p> + “'WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all whom it + may concern, greeting: + </p> + <p> + “'After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the banner of + the lilies. Once more the white plume of Henri IV. floats in the crest of + his little son (petit fils)! Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses! honest + commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the oriflamme of + France, and summon the ban arriereban of my kingdoms. To my faithful + Bretons I need not appeal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for an + heirloom! To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects, their + father makes one last appeal. Come to me, my children! your errors shall + be forgiven. Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you. He + promised it when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed his + inviolable toe! + </p> + <p> + “'Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The infamous universities + shall be abolished. Education shall no longer be permitted. A sacred and + wholesome inquisition shall be established. My faithful nobles shall pay + no more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our country shall be + restored as they existed before 1788. Convents and monasteries again shall + ornament our country, the calm nurseries of saints and holy women! Heresy + shall be extirpated with paternal severity, and our country shall be free + once more. + </p> + <p> + “'His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under the + command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty's youngest son, + an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace + the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of Tuam, blessed their green + banner before they set forth. Henceforth may the lilies and the harp be + ever twined together. Together we will make a crusade against the infidels + of Albion, and raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our cry be, + Vive la France! down with England! Montjoie St. Denis! + </p> + <p> + “'BY THE KING. + </p> + <p> + “'The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE. The Marshal of + France. . . POMADOUR DE L'AILE DE PIGEON. The General Commander-in-Chief + of the Irish Brigade in the service of his Most Christian Majesty. . . + DANIEL, PRINCE OF BALLYBUNION. + </p> + <p> + 'HENRI.”' + </p> + <p> + “His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a council of + Ministers in the afternoon. Measures were concerted for the instant + putting down of the disturbances in the departments of the Rhine and + Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the pretenders, they + shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxembourg: the + apartments are already prepared, and the officers at their posts. + </p> + <p> + “The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the + diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being attacked with + illness, which compels them to stay at home.” + </p> + <p> + “The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments.” + </p> + <p> + “His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the Tuileries.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS.—HISTORICAL REVIEW. + </h3> + <p> + We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a few + comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely described in the + print from which we have quoted. + </p> + <p> + It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were of a + serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two pretenders to + the crown were considerable. They had their supporters too in Paris—as + what party indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne was in + a state of considerable anxiety, and found his declining years by no means + so comfortable as his virtues and great age might have warranted. + </p> + <p> + His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate + reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, now + sprung up around him in vast numbers. The King's grandson, the Prince + Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen-Schloppen, was the + father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with pensions by the + State. His brother, the Count D'Eu, was similarly blessed with a + multitudinous offspring. The Duke of Nemours had no children; but the + Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Princesses + Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess of the United States + of America, erected into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor + Duff Green I.) were the happy fathers of immense families—all + liberally apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely + subservient to his Majesty Louis Philippe. + </p> + <p> + The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the first + instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his Highness + Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of Joinville was adored by the nation, on account + of his famous victory over the English fleet under the command of Admiral + the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the “Richard Cobden,” of 120 guns, was + taken by the “Belle-Poule” frigate of 36; on which occasion forty-five + other ships of war and 79 steam-frigates struck their colors to about + one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The victory was mainly + owing to the gallantry of the celebrated French horse-marines, who + executed several brilliant charges under the orders of the intrepid + Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their ordinary modesty, + claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of that nation were + present in the action, impartial history must award the palm to the + intrepid sons of Gaul. + </p> + <p> + With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude of the + admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should ensue, and fling + them on the world once more. How could he support so numerous a family? + Considerable as his wealth was (for he was known to have amassed about a + hundred and thirteen billions, which were lying in the caves of the + Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite insignificant, when divided among his + progeny; and, besides, he naturally preferred getting from the nation as + much as his faithful people could possibly afford. + </p> + <p> + Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied, is often + more efficacious than the conqueror's sword, the King's Ministers were + anxious that he should devote a part of his savings to the carrying on of + the war. But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined this + offer; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his faithful people, + who, he was sure, would meet, as became them, the coming exigency. The + Chambers met his appeal with their usual devotion. At a solemn convocation + of those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by his family, explained + the circumstances and the danger. His Majesty, his family, his Ministers, + and the two Chambers, then burst into tears, according to immemorial + usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling, swore eternal fidelity to + the dynasty and to France, and embraced each other affectingly all round. + </p> + <p> + It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred + Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas + Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and + fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,) similarly + quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux. They were + followed, according to their several political predilections, by the + various Ministers and dignitaries of the State. The only Minister who + remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had defeated + the English in the very field where they had obtained formerly a success, + though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish Brigade); but age had + ruined the health and diminished the immense strength of that gigantic + leader, and it is said his only reason for remaining in Paris was because + a fit of the gout kept him in bed. + </p> + <p> + The capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and cafes were open as + usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm: confiding in + their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing + to fear. + </p> + <p> + Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to conciliate his + people. He even went among them with his umbrella; but they were little + touched with that mark of confidence. He shook hands with everybody; he + distributed crosses of the Legion of Honor in such multitudes, that red + ribbon rose two hundred per cent in the market (by which his Majesty, who + speculated in the article, cleared a tolerable sum of money). But these + blandishments and honors had little effect upon an apathetic people; and + the enemy of the Orleans dynasty, the fashionable young nobles of the + Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves perpetually, for fear (they said) that + they should be obliged to shake hands with the best of kings; while the + republicans adopted coats without button-holes, lest they should be forced + to hang red ribbons in them. The funds did not fluctuate in the least. + </p> + <p> + The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect. The + young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places of public + education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon, “Liberty, + equality, war all over the world!” flocked to his standard in considerable + numbers: while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer their allegiance + to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis. + </p> + <p> + And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that + collected round the gallant Prince Henry! There was not a man in his army + but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at morning and evening + parade. The fantastic and effeminate but brave and faithful troops were + numbered off into different legions: there was the Fleur-d'Orange + regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the Violet-Pomatum volunteers; the + Eau-de-Cologne cavalry—according to the different scents which they + affected. Most of the warriors wore lace ruffles; all powder and pigtails, + as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy dragoons under the + command of Count Alfred de Horsay made themselves conspicuous for their + discipline, cruelty, and the admirable cut of their coats; and with these + celebrated horsemen came from England the illustrious Duke of Jenkins with + his superb footmen. They were all six feet high. They all wore bouquets of + the richest flowers: they wore bags, their hair slightly powdered, + brilliant shoulder-knots, and cocked-hats laced with gold. They wore the + tight knee-pantaloon of velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British + infantry: and their legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux, + embracing with tears their admirable leader on parade, said, “Jenkins, + France never saw such calves until now.” The weapon of this tremendous + militia was an immense club or cane, reaching from the sole of the foot to + the nose, and heavily mounted with gold. Nothing could stand before this + terrific weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed morions of the French + cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath them, had they + ever met in mortal combat. Between this part of the Prince's forces and + the Irish auxiliaries there was a deadly animosity. Alas, there always is + such in camps! The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the + children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway. + </p> + <p> + The uniform of the latter was various—the rich stuff called + corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower + habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them + tail-coats. The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at the + elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of button, + tape, and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the alpeen, and the + doodeen of the country—the latter a short but dreadful weapon of + offence. At the demise of the venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had + laid aside its habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened + their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit. Thus do men ever + return to the haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory over + us! The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an effeminate + race; they are represented by contemporary historians as being + passionately fond of FLYING KITES. Others say they went into battle armed + with “bills,” no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated that foreigners + could never be got to accept them in lieu of their own arms. The Princes + of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by the side of their young and + royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son of Daniel the + First, King of the Emerald Isle. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on + which the French cavalry were mounted? +</pre> + <p> + Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the republican + imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies, were marching on + the French capital. The Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the lunatic + asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his captivity, + which caused only derision in the capital. Such was the state of the + empire, and such the clouds that were gathering round the Sun of Orleans! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> + <h3> + THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS. + </h3> + <p> + It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo misfortunes; + and now, as then, he met them like a man. The Prince of Joinville was not + successful in his campaign against the Imperial Pretender: and that + bravery which had put the British fleet to flight, was found, as might be + expected, insufficient against the irresistible courage of native + Frenchmen. The Horse Marines, not being on their own element, could not + act with their usual effect. Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling + seas, they were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne + country. + </p> + <p> + It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between the + troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for both armies had + reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought underneath the walls. For + some time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville, entrenched in the + champagne cellars of Messrs. Ruinart, Moet, and others; but making too + free with the fascinating liquor, the army at length became entirely + drunk: on which the Imperialists, rushing into the cellars, had an easy + victory over them; and, this done, proceeded to intoxicate themselves + likewise. + </p> + <p> + The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was compelled + with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and Prince Napoleon + remained master of the field of battle. It is needless to recapitulate the + bulletin which he published the day after the occasion, so soon as he and + his secretaries were in a condition to write: eagles, pyramids, rainbows, + the sun of Austerlitz, &c., figured in the proclamation, in close + imitation of his illustrious uncle. But the great benefit of the action + was this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers of + Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army, and + made common cause with them. + </p> + <p> + “Soldiers!” said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after the + action, “the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the Eagle! Your + colors are not changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow—yours on + the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious. Soldiers of Joinville! we + give you welcome, as we would welcome your illustrious leader, who + destroyed the fleets of Albion. Let him join us! We will march together + against that perfidious enemy. + </p> + <p> + “But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday's glorious + day! Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of our native + Champagne. Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge into + dissipation, that we have Rome still to conquer! + </p> + <p> + “Soldiers! Seltzer-water is good after too much drink. Wait awhile, and + your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it + lies BEYOND THE RHINE!” + </p> + <p> + Deafening shouts of “Vive l'Empereur!” saluted this allusion of the + Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be restored + to them. The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville + likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince's cause. The + Journal des Debats did not know which way to turn. In one paragraph it + called the Emperor “a sanguinary tyrant, murderer, and pickpocket;” in a + second it owned he was “a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;” + and, after proclaiming “the brilliant victory of the Prince of Joinville,” + presently denominated it a “funeste journee.” + </p> + <p> + The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to march on + Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and requested to be + paid for 300,000 bottles of wine. “Send three hundred thousand more to the + Tuileries,” said the Prince, sternly: “our soldiers will be thirsty when + they reach Paris.” And taking Moet with him as a hostage, and promising + Ruinart that he would have him shot unless he obeyed, with trumpets + playing and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial army marched + on their triumphant way. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> + <h3> + THE BATTLE OF TOURS. + </h3> + <p> + We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours against his + advancing cousin, Henry V. His Royal Highness could not march against the + enemy with such a force as he would have desired to bring against them; + for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast amount of property he + had stowed away under the Tuileries, refused to allow a single soldier to + quit the forts round the capital, which thus was defended by one hundred + and forty-four thousand guns (eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred and + thirty-two thousand men:—little enough, when one considers that + there were but three men to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a + population of double the amount within the walls, his Majesty caused the + country to be scoured for fifty miles round, and left neither ox, nor ass, + nor blade of grass. When appealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered + district, the royal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart + bled for them—that they were his children—that every cow taken + from the meanest peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that + duty must be done, that the interests of the country demanded the + sacrifice, and that in fact, they might go to the deuce. This the + unfortunate creatures certainly did. + </p> + <p> + The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The Journal des Debats + stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the Chambers sat—such + as remained—and talked immensely about honor, dignity, and the + glorious revolution of July; and the King, as his power was now pretty + nigh absolute over them, thought this a good opportunity to bring in a + bill for doubling his children's allowances all round. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there was + nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support his famished + troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to ransack the next fifty + miles in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops were not such + as they should have been, considering the enemy with whom they had to + engage. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that most of the Duke's army consisted of the National Guard; + who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of “LA PATRIE EN DANGER” + having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted by his + Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of + food-consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that he + selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to send forth + against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers, the lawyers, &c. + Their parting with their families was very affecting. They would have been + very willing to recall their offer of marching, but companies of stern + veterans closing round them, marched them to the city gates, which were + closed upon them; and thus perforce they were compelled to move on. As + long as he had a bottle of brandy and a couple of sausages in his + holsters, the General of the National Guard, Odillon Barrot, talked with + tremendous courage. Such was the power of his eloquence over the troops, + that, could he have come up with the enemy while his victuals lasted, the + issue of the combat might have been very different. But in the course of + the first day's march he finished both the sausages and the brandy, and + became quite uneasy, silent, and crest-fallen. + </p> + <p> + It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver Loire, that + the armies sat down before each other, and the battle was to take place + which had such an effect upon the fortunes of France. 'Twas a brisk day of + March: the practised valor of Nemours showed him at once what use to make + of the army under his orders, and having enfiladed his National Guard + battalions, and placed his artillery in echelons, he formed his cavalry + into hollow squares on the right and left of his line, flinging out a + cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the main column. His veteran infantry + he formed behind his National Guard—politely hinting to Odillon + Barrot, who wished to retire under pretence of being exceedingly unwell, + that the regular troops would bayonet the National Guard if they gave way + an inch: on which their General, turning very pale, demurely went back to + his post. His men were dreadfully discouraged; they had slept on the + ground all night; they regretted their homes and their comfortable + nightcaps in the Rue St. Honore: they had luckily fallen in with a flock + of sheep and a drove of oxen at Tours the day before; but what were these, + compared to the delicacies of Chevet's or three courses at Vefour's? They + mournfully cooked their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a + most wretched night. + </p> + <p> + The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part in + better order. The noble cavalry regiments found a village in which they + made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins's Foot taking possession of + the kitchens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish Brigade, accustomed + to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato fields, where they sang + Moore's melodies all night. There were, besides the troops regular and + irregular, about three thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed + with scourging-whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these + reverend men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the + operations of the regular forces. + </p> + <p> + It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see the + alacrity with which Jenkins's regiment sprung up at the FIRST reveille of + the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices almost menial for + the benefit of their French allies. The Duke himself set the example, and + blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half-past ten, after coffee, + the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were ready; their clarions rung to + horse, their banners were given to the wind, their shirt-collars were + exquisitely starched, and the whole air was scented with the odors of + their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs. + </p> + <p> + Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri. “My faithful + Duke!” said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot, “thou art always + at THY POST.” “Here, as in Wellington Street, sire,” said the hero, + blushing. And the Prince made an appropriate speech to his chivalry, in + which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard and Henri Quatre, were, + as may be imagined, not spared. “Ho! standard-bearer!” the Prince + concluded, “fling out my oriflamme. Noble gents of France, your King is + among you to-day!” + </p> + <p> + Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking + whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara, + “Prince,” he said, “the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the French + history—we will not deprive you of the honor of winning this. You + will please to commence the attack with your brigade.” Bending his head + until the green plumes of his beaver mingled with the mane of the Shetland + pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland trotted off with his + aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses, powerful grays, with which a + dealer at Nantz had supplied them on their and the Prince's joint bill at + three months. + </p> + <p> + The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in their + potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their beloved Prince. + Their toilet was the work of a moment—a single shake and it was + done. Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their Generals,—who, + turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely determined to fight on + foot. Behind them came the line of British foot under the illustrious + Jenkins, who marched in advance perfectly collected, and smoking a Manilla + cigar. The cavalry were on the right and left of the infantry, prepared to + act in pontoon, in echelon, or in ricochet, as occasion might demand. The + Prince rode behind, supported by his Staff, who were almost all of them + bishops, archdeacons, or abbes; and the body of ecclesiastics followed, + singing to the sound, or rather howl, of serpents and trombones, the Latin + canticles of the Reverend Franciscus O'Mahony, lately canonized under the + name of Saint Francis of Cork. + </p> + <p> + The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in presence—the + National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade. The white belts and fat + paunches of the Guard presented a terrific appearance; but it might have + been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were as white as + their belts, and the long line of their bayonets might be seen to quiver. + General Odillon Barrot, with a cockade as large as a pancake, endeavored + to make a speech: the words honneur, patrie, Francais, champ de bataille + might be distinguished; but the General was dreadfully flustered, and was + evidently more at home in the Chamber of Deputies than in the field of + war. + </p> + <p> + The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech. “Boys,” + said he, “we've enough talking at the Corn Exchange; bating's the word + now.” The Green-Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo, which sent + terror into the fat bosoms of the French. + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen of the National Guard,” said the Prince, taking off his hat and + bowing to Odillon Barrot, “will ye be so igsthramely obleeging as to fire + first.” This he said because it had been said at Fontenoy, but chiefly + because his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and therefore could + not fire. + </p> + <p> + But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen: for + though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing was the + thing of all others they detested—the noise, and the kick of the + gun, and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to them. “We won't + fire,” said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Saugrenue and his + regiment of the line—which, it may be remembered, was formed behind + the National Guard. + </p> + <p> + “Then give them the bayonet,” said the Colonel, with a terrific oath. + “Charge, corbleu!” + </p> + <p> + At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was heard, the + National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and with immense + velocity, towards the foe. The fact is, that the line regiment behind + them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between the + coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded forward with an + irresistible swiftness. + </p> + <p> + Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre. The + Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the wind. The + Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon Barrot through the + body, when he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered + tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping. The Princes of + Donegal and Connemara were taken prisoners; but though they offered to + give bills at three months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their + ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the + Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had been + robbed of their ready money by his troops, who had taken them prisoners, + caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and lent them each + a sum of money. How generous are men in success!—the Prince of + Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National Guards, and thought + his victory secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with the brief words, + “We met the enemy before Tours. The National Guard has done its duty. The + troops of the pretender are routed. Vive le Roi!” The note, you may be + sure, appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the editor, who only that + morning had called Henri V. “a great prince, an august exile,” denominated + him instantly a murderer, slave, thief, cut-throat, pickpocket, and + burglar. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS. + </h3> + <p> + But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British + infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade. Borne on with the hurry of the + melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with running, and + forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks + which had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National Guardsmen + found themselves suddenly in presence of Jenkins's Foot. + </p> + <p> + They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep. + </p> + <p> + “UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!” were the memorable words of the Duke Jenkins, as, + waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and with a tremendous + shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!—Down went plume and + cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain, down went grocer and tailor, + under the long staves of the indomitable English Footmen. “A Jenkins! a + Jenkins!” roared the Duke, planting a blow which broke the aquiline nose + of Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. “St. George for Mayfair!” + shouted his followers, strewing the plain with carcasses. Not a man of the + Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower. + </p> + <p> + “They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais,” said the Duke of + Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass. “'Tis a pity they will all + be cut up in half an hour. Concombre! take your dragoons, and do it!” + “Remember Waterloo, boys!” said Colonel Concombre, twirling his moustache, + and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun, and the gallant hussars prepared + to attack the Englishmen. + </p> + <p> + Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the havoc + of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy's manoeuvre. His people + were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard, and had made a + tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell out of his pocket, (it + was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife or bugle,) speedily + called his scattered warriors together. “Take the muskets of the + Nationals,” said he. They did so. “Form in square, and prepare to receive + cavalry!” By the time Concombre's regiment arrived, he found a square of + bristling bayonets with Britons behind them! + </p> + <p> + The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body. “Halt!” + said he to his men. + </p> + <p> + “Fire!” screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the + National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off. The + hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not return to the + attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to + charge upon them. + </p> + <p> + The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. The Millefleur + regiment broke before Concombre's hussars instantaneously; the Eau-de-Rose + dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped far out of + reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne lancers fainted to a + man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing its course, had actually + reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp, when the clergymen coming up + formed gallantly round the oriflamme, and the bassoons and serpents + braying again, set up such a shout of canticles, and anathemas, and + excommunications, that the horses of Concombre's dragoons in turn took + fright, and those warriors in their turn broke and fled. As soon as they + turned, the Vendean riflemen fired amongst them and finished them: the + gallant Concombre fell; the intrepid though diminutive Cornichon, his + major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la moelle, and the wife of the + fiery Navet was that day a widow. Peace to the souls of the brave! In + defeat or in victory, where can the soldier find a more fitting + resting-place than the glorious field of carnage? Only a few disorderly + and dispirited riders of Concombre's regiment reached Tours at night. They + had left it but the day before, a thousand disciplined and high-spirited + men! + </p> + <p> + Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands, the + intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and charged the + Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD STEEL. The Frenchmen + delivered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins's cockade, but + did not abide the crossing of the weapons. “A Frenchman dies, but never + surrenders,” said Saugrenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole regiment + were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoners. The blood of the + Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their curses were horrible; their + courage tremendous. “On! on!” hoarsely screamed they; and a second + regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling, grinding + encounter. “A Jenkins, a Jenkins!” still roared the heroic Duke: “St. + George for Mayfair!” The Footmen of England still yelled their terrific + battle-cry, “Hurra, hurra!” On they went; regiment after regiment was + annihilated, until, scared at the very trample of the advancing warriors, + the dismayed troops of France screaming fled. Gathering his last warriors + round about him, Nemours determined to make a last desperate effort. 'Twas + vain: the ranks met; the next moment the truncheon of the Prince of + Orleans was dashed from his hand by the irresistible mace of the Duke + Jenkins; his horse's shins were broken by the same weapon. Screaming with + agony the animal fell. Jenkins's hand was at the Duke's collar in a + moment, and had he not gasped out, “Je me rends!” he would have been + throttled in that dreadful grasp! + </p> + <p> + Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments, their + baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands of the + victorious Duke. He had avenged the honor of Old England; and himself + presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who now + came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his neck and said, “Duke, + I owe my crown to my patron saint and you.” It was indeed a glorious + victory: but what will not British valor attain? + </p> + <p> + The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris, saying, + “Sire, all is lost except honor!” was sent off in confinement; and in + spite of the entreaties of his captor, was hardly treated with decent + politeness. The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when the + affair was over, were for having the Prince shot at once, and murmured + loudly against “cet Anglais brutal” who interposed in behalf of the + prisoner. Henri V. granted the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided by + the advice of his noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the + illustrious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him to + supper that night. + </p> + <p> + “Well!” said Jenkins, “I and my merry men can sup alone.” And, indeed, + having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men, they had + wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable. The prisoners (25,403) + were all without difficulty induced to assume the white cockade. Most of + them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in their flannel-waistcoats, + where they swore they had worn them ever since 1830. This we may believe, + and we will; but the Prince Henri was too politic or too good-humored in + the moment of victory, to doubt the sincerity of his new subjects' + protestations, and received the Colonels and Generals affably at his + table. + </p> + <p> + The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies. “Faithful + soldiers of France and Navarre,” said the Prince, “the saints have won for + us a great victory—the enemies of our religion have been overcome—the + lilies are restored to their native soil. Yesterday morning at eleven + o'clock the army under my command engaged that which was led by his SERENE + Highness the Duke de Nemours. Our forces were but a third in number when + compared with those of the enemy. My faithful chivalry and nobles made the + strength, however, equal. + </p> + <p> + “The regiments of Fleur-d'Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne covered + themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the enemy's troops. + Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical + friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round my banner, and forsaking + the crosier for the sword, showed that they were of the church militant + indeed. + </p> + <p> + “My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming heroism—but + why particularize when all did their duty? How remember individual acts + when all were heroes?” The Marshal of France, Sucre d'Orgeville, Commander + of the Army of H.M. Christian Majesty, recommended about three thousand + persons for promotion; and the indignation of Jenkins and his brave + companions may be imagined when it is stated that they were not even + mentioned in the despatch! + </p> + <p> + As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they wrote off + despatches to their Government, saying, “The Duke of Nemours is beaten, + and a prisoner! The Irish Brigade has done it all!” On which his Majesty + the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the Corn Exchange + Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which he called Louis Philippe an “old + miscreant,” and paid the highest compliments to his son and his troops. + The King on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan, Sir Gavan Duffy + (whose journals had published the news), and was so delighted with the + valor of his son, that he despatched him his order of the Pig and Whistle + (1st class), and a munificent present of five hundred thousand pounds—in + a bill at three months. All Dublin was illuminated; and at a ball at the + Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith (Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely + intoxicated, called out the Lord Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they + fought in the Phoenix Park. Having shot the Right Reverend Bishop through + the body, Smithereens apologized. He was the same practitioner who had + rendered himself so celebrated in the memorable trial of the King—before + the Act of Independence. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides towards + Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for extraordinary were + the events preparing in that capital. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE LEAGUER OF PARIS. + </h3> + <p> + By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of Henri + V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the Emperor John + Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place between the + advanced-guards of the two parties, and much slaughter ensued. + </p> + <p> + “Bon!” thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his tower; + “they will kill each other. This is by far the most economical way of + getting rid of them.” The astute monarch's calculations were admirably + exposed by a clever remark of the Prince of Ballybunion. “Faix, Harry,” + says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious son of Saint Louis + resented), “you and him yandther—the Emperor, I mane—are like + the Kilkenny cats, dear.” + </p> + <p> + “Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de + Ballybunion?” asked the Most Christian King haughtily. + </p> + <p> + Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the animals + “ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that's what you and Imparial + Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are,” added the jocose and royal + boy. + </p> + <p> + “Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires,” answered + Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like a joke; but + there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have been well for his + Most Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious counsels of his Irish + ally. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the garrisons of + some of the forts, and expected all would declare for him. However, of the + twenty-four forts which we have described, eight only—and by the + means of Marshal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late years—declared + for Henri, and raised the white flag: while eight others, seeing Prince + John Thomas Napoleon before them in the costume of his revered + predecessor, at once flung open their gates to him, and mounted the + tricolor with the eagle. The remaining eight, into which the Princes of + the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained constant to Louis + Philippe. Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the Tuileries. His + money was there, and he swore he would remain by it. In vain his sons + offered to bring him into one of the forts—he would not stir without + his treasure. They said they would transport it thither; but no, no: the + patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged nose, and winking + archly, said “he knew a trick worth two of that,” and resolved to abide by + his bags. + </p> + <p> + The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three + centimes. The Journal des Debats published three editions of different + tones of politics: one, the Journal de l'Empire, for the Napoleonites; the + Journal de la Legitimite another, very complimentary to the Legitimate + monarch; and finally, the original edition, bound heart and soul to the + dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had to write all three, complained + not a little that his salary was not raised: but the truth is, that, by + altering the names, one article did indifferently for either paper. The + Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was always issuing + manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians took little heed: + the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was allowed to be very + witty at the expense of the three pretenders. + </p> + <p> + As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the respective + Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the forts, where there + was plenty of provision; and, when once there, they speedily began to turn + out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to them, or had an + inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity. These poor fellows + turned into the road, had no choice but starvation; as to getting into + Paris, that was impossible: a mouse could not have got into the place, so + admirably were the forts guarded, without having his head taken off by a + cannon-ball. Thus the three conflicting parties stood, close to each + other, hating each other, “willing to wound and yet afraid to strike”—the + victuals in the forts, from the prodigious increase of the garrisons, + getting smaller every day. As for Louis Philippe in his palace, in the + centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing that a spark from one might set + them all blazing away, and that he and his money-bags might be blown into + eternity in ten minutes, you may fancy his situation was not very + comfortable. + </p> + <p> + But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperialists nor the + Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and fifty billions + in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon that + considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their revered father. How + was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note to his Most + Christian Majesty (for they always styled each other in this manner in + their communications), proposing that they should turn out and decide the + quarrel sword in hand; to which proposition Henri would have acceded, but + that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to excommunicate him + should he do so. Hence this simple way of settling the dispute was + impossible. + </p> + <p> + The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in the + forts. Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were subject to much + petty persecution, to the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander. And + it must be confessed that these intrepid Footmen were not so amenable to + discipline as they might have been. Remembering the usages of merry + England, they clubbed together, and swore they would have four meals of + meat a day, wax-candles in the casemates, and their porter. These demands + were laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast on Fridays; on + which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and they would have had + a FOURTH standard raised before Paris—viz., that of England—but + the garrison proving too strong for them, they were compelled to lay down + their sticks; and, in consideration of past services, were permitted to + leave the forts. 'Twas well for them! as you shall hear. + </p> + <p> + The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the fort + which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and where they made + themselves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes had as + much brandy as they liked, and passed their time on the ramparts playing + at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with the halfpenny that one of them somehow + had) for vast sums of money, for which they gave their notes-of-hand. The + warriors of their legion would stand round delighted; and it was, “Musha, + Master Dan, but that's a good throw!” “Good luck to you, Misther Pat, and + throw thirteen this time!” and so forth. But this sort of inaction could + not last long. They had heard of the treasures amassed in the palace of + the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought of the lack of bullion in + their green and beautiful country. They panted for war! They formed their + plan. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0040" id="link2HCH0040"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS. + </h3> + <p> + On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis Philippe + was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing that what the + journal said about “Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the Pretender Henri,”—“Chicken-pox + raging in the Forts of the Traitor Bonaparte,”—might be true, what + was his surprise to hear the report of a gun; and at the same instant—whiz! + came an eighty-four-pound ball through the window and took off the head of + the faithful Monsieur de Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of + muffins. + </p> + <p> + “Three francs for the window,” said the monarch; “and the muffins of + course spoiled!” and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly. Ah, King + Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window-pane—more + than a plate of muffins—it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty + millions of tax-payers. + </p> + <p> + The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. “Gracious heavens!” said the + commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, “What has your + Highness done?” “Faix,” replied the other, “Donegal and I saw a sparrow on + the Tuileries, and we thought we'd have a shot at it, that's all.” + “Hurroo! look out for squalls,” here cried the intrepid Hibernian; for at + this moment one of Paixhans' shells fell into the counterscarp of the + demilune on which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple of + embrasures flying about their ears. + </p> + <p> + Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort + Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly replied by + its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite fort. On seeing + this, Fort Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummelling + Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and in a quarter of an hour + the whole of this vast line of fortification was in a blaze of flame, + flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing, bombing, in the most tremendous + manner. The world has never perhaps, before or since, heard such an + uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thundering at each other. Fancy + the sky red with the fires of hundreds of thousands of blazing, brazen + meteors; the air thick with impenetrable smoke—the universe almost + in a flame! for the noise of the cannonading was heard on the peaks of the + Andes, and broke three windows in the English factory at Canton. Boom, + boom, boom! for three days incessantly the gigantic—I may say, + Cyclopean battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong! The air was thick with + cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each other in the heavens, and + fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into the very forts from which + they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong—brrwrrwrrr! + </p> + <p> + On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke permitted it) + assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have been heard (if the + tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed it) giving mysterious + signs and countersigns. “Tom,” was the word whispered, “Steele” was the + sibilated response. (It is astonishing how, in the roar of elements, THE + HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!) It was the Irish Brigade assembling. “Now + or never, boys!” said their leaders; and sticking their doodeens into + their mouths, they dropped stealthily into the trenches, heedless of the + broken glass and sword-blades; rose from those trenches; formed in silent + order; and marched to Paris. They knew they could arrive there unobserved—nobody, + indeed, remarked their absence. + </p> + <p> + The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves at + their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which Arnal + performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new feuilleton by + Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated to the + journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme without the + walls. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0041" id="link2HCH0041"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <h3> + LOUIS XVII. + </h3> + <p> + The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the + inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it may be + remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty of + demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his pretensions, had + not failed to strike with awe and respect his four thousand comrades of + captivity. The Emperor of China, the Princess of the Moon, Julius Caesar, + Saint Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome, the Cacique + of Mexico, and several singular and illustrious personages who happened to + be confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.; and all agreed + that now or never was the time to support his legitimate pretensions to + the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around them, they howled with + furious delight in response. They took counsel together: Dr. Pinel and the + infamous jailers, who, under the name of keepers, held them in horrible + captivity, were pounced upon and overcome in a twinkling. The + strait-waistcoats were taken off from the wretched captives languishing in + the dungeons; the guardians were invested in these shameful garments, and + with triumphant laughter plunged under the Douches. The gates of the + prison were flung open, and they marched forth in the blackness of the + storm! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a gun + went off fitfully now and then. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, “Tiens! ils sont + fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!”—and why? Because there was no + more powder?—Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder. + </p> + <p> + There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more forts, no + more nothing. THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP. The battle-roar ceased. + The battle-clouds rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling stars, looked + blandly down from the serene azure,—and all was peace—stillness—the + stillness of death. Holy, holy silence! + </p> + <p> + Yes: the battle of Paris was over. And where were the combatants? All gone—not + one left!—And where was Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince was a + captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade was encamped around it: they + had reached the palace a little too late; it was already occupied by the + partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII. + </p> + <p> + That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to the + Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. They burst through the feeble + barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the kingly halls of + the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his + ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats, of the fifth + of November; an important article, which proclaimed that the civil war was + concluded:— + </p> + <p> + “The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are at an + end. Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which agitated the + bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilization, may now + rest in peace. That monarch whom we have long been sighing for; whose + image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how passionately worshipped, in every + French heart, is with us once more. Blessings be on him; blessings—a + thousand blessings upon the happy country which is at length restored to + his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable sway! + </p> + <p> + “His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his palace of + the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies. His Royal Highness the + Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the + kingdom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the Palais + Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his Royal Highness, who + happened to be in the late forts round Paris, (before the bombardment + which has so happily ended in their destruction,) had returned to their + father before the commencement of the cannonading. They will continue, as + heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the throne. + </p> + <p> + “None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch's + proclamation. + </p> + <p> + “'Louis, by &c.— + </p> + <p> + “'My children! After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of captivity, I am + restored to you. The cycle of events predicted by the ancient Magi, and + the planetary convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books, have + fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as always in the + depths of my dungeons I confidently expected) in the triumph of the good + Angel, and the utter discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon. + </p> + <p> + “'When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced their + hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by—in my palace of + Charenton, three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring + of Saturn—I witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and + I said, “Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the signs of the + Zodiac mere astronomers' prattle?” + </p> + <p> + “'I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr. Pinel. + The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive. I summoned my allies round + about me. The high contracting Powers came to my bidding: monarchs from + all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the Moon and other illumined + orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale imprisoned genii. I whispered + the mystic sign, and the doors flew open. We entered Paris in triumph, by + the Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the Octroi. The + bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts, and retreated, howling: they + knew us, and trembled. + </p> + <p> + “'My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me. I have a friend in + Turkey—the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a Protestant once—Lord + Brougham by name. I have sent to him to legislate for us: he is wise in + the law, and astrology, and all sciences; he shall aid my Ministers in + their councils. I have written to him by the post. There shall be no more + infamous mad-houses in France, where poor souls shiver in + strait-waistcoats. + </p> + <p> + “'I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was in his + counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned me. He + gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to use it. Taught + by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I will endow + the land with noble institutions instead of diabolical forts. I will have + no more cannon founded. They are a curse and shall be melted—the + iron ones into railroads; the bronze ones into statues of beautiful + saints, angels, and wise men; the copper ones into money, to be + distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love them. + </p> + <p> + “'There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no more + passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more physic. + </p> + <p> + “'My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I will it. I am the + king. + </p> + <p> + (Signed) 'Louis.'” + </p> + <p> + “Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the English + Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first about to sack the + city, but on hearing that the banner of the lilies was once more raised in + France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered his allegiance to + his Majesty. It was accepted: and the Plush Guard has been established in + place of the Swiss, who waited on former sovereigns.” + </p> + <p> + “The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our service. + Their commander states that they took every one of the forts round Paris, + and having blown them up, were proceeding to release Louis XVII., when + they found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their glorious + victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Majesty the King of the Irish. + It will be a new laurel to add to his green crown!” + </p> + <p> + And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great French + Revolution of 1884. It records the actions of great and various + characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates wonderful reverses of + fortune; it affords the moralist scope for his philosophy; perhaps it + gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the latter imagine, + because there is not a precise moral affixed to the story, that its + tendency is otherwise than good. He is a poor reader, for whom his author + is obliged to supply a moral application. It is well in spelling-books and + for children; it is needless for the reflecting spirit. The drama of Punch + himself is not moral: but that drama has had audiences all over the world. + Happy he, who in our dark times can cause a smile! Let us laugh then, and + gladden in the sunshine, though it be but as the ray upon the pool, that + flickers only over the cold black depths below! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + COX'S DIARY. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ANNOUNCEMENT. + </h3> + <p> + On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the + neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both in + the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of a + girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of a + three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young + foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated + mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called Cox's + Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and + three-and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established cutting + and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I had my girl, + Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge, plaited her + hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of patent soaps, + &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was my hope that + Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another, would one day + be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son Tug, carry on + the business of hairdressers when their father was either dead or a + gentleman: for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should be. + </p> + <p> + Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections: though + her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr. Tuggeridge, + her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the “Pigtail and Sparrow,” in + the Whitechapel Road; from which place I married her; being myself very + fond of the article, and especially when she served it to me—the + dear thing! + </p> + <p> + Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am + proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and my + Bohemian balsam to support her!—and we had hopes from her uncle, a + mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty years + ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in India, + and was worth millions, we were told. + </p> + <p> + Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my + lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow + and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to his + son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland Place, + and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my wife took + her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to visit her uncle: + but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she somewhat sharp in + her way, (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you to know,) a + desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that day to the day of + his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would condescend to do, + was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in the course of the + year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by us. All the + neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, for Jemmy had + bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the connection was + always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet; Mr. Bar, the + coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly enough. I used + to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in my life saw old + Tuggeridge, except once: when he said “Oh, the barber!” tossed up his + nose, and passed on. + </p> + <p> + One day—one famous day last January—all our Market was thrown + into a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three + vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and + Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner (it being + Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port, and + was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough: at which proposal my + little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus):—we had just, I + say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows out, “La, Pa, + here's uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cab!” + </p> + <p> + And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough—Mrs. Breadbasket in deep + mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back + shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the world, + set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was very kind + of her to come. “La, mem,” says Mrs. B., “I'm sure I'd do anything to + serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear + Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone.” + </p> + <p> + “That's what?” cries my wife. + </p> + <p> + “What, gone?” cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls will + about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and ready to + cry too. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, gaw—” Just as she was at this very “gaw” Tug roars out, “La, + Pa! here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!” + </p> + <p> + It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back + into the parlor with my ladies. “What is it, Mr. Bar?” says I; and as + quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, + and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made some + resistance.—“Don't think of it, Mr. Cox,” says he; “don't trouble + yourself, sir.” But I lathered away and never minded. “And what's this + melancholy event, sir,” says I, “that has spread desolation in your + family's bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir—I can feel for your + loss.” + </p> + <p> + I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because + Tuggeridge was my uncle—no, as such I disown him. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bar was just about to speak. “Yes, sir,” says he, “my master's gaw—” + when at the “gaw” in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!—the finest + gentleman I ever saw. + </p> + <p> + “What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!” says he. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “A mighty wet day, sir,” says I to Mr. Hock—stepping up and making + my bow. “A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that + you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!” + </p> + <p> + “Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir,” said Mr. Hock, making a bow: “but + from you, sir, never—no, never, split me!—and I wonder how + some fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!” + With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly + opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between + the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser + into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's + mouth—a capital way to stop angry answers. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a + hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black coat + with a bag. + </p> + <p> + “What, you here!” says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it seemed + that everybody was to begin by saying, “What, YOU here!” “Your name is + Cox, sir?” says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine. “My name, + sir, is Sharpus,—Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple Lane,—and + I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,—that is to say, sorry to say + that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is heiress, + in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom.” + </p> + <p> + At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of + Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed to + Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a wince out:—Mrs. C., + Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid + tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted. + </p> + <p> + “And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?” says I. + </p> + <p> + “Why—hee, hee, hee!” says Mr. Sharpus. “Surely you know that he was + only the—hee, hee, hee!—the natural son!” + </p> + <p> + You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so + eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. Sharpus say there + was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John + Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as + they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the + news. + </p> + <p> + We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would + have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted, + “Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and we have not; had + we not better keep them for a little?”—Keep them, then, we did, to + show us how to be gentlefolks. + </p> + <p> + I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of + premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for it; + but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the shop he + should. + </p> + <p> + FIRST ROUT. + </p> + <p> + We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house without + friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and I + was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, Captain + Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into distinguished + society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us the honor of + lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him, and of his + little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing of our good + fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a little glad + to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond of our + Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on one + occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor girl: a + clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond of her. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune, + though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him to come and + take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima + very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and to + look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a great + scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was + forbidden the house—for ever! + </p> + <p> + So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. “You see, + sir,” our Jemmy would say, “we shall have our town and country mansion, + and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave between + our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to have the + first society of England.” To this Tagrag agreed, and promised to bring us + acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what's more, did. + </p> + <p> + First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays and + Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and Jemimarann, with + two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way, and whose very beards + I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent straight off to the most + fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend Doctor Pigney's, at + Richmond. + </p> + <p> + Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the papers + about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way: double your name and stick an “e” to + the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect in a + wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty society + about us. Some of old Tug's friends swore they would do anything for the + family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. Coxe and + her charming girl; and when, about the first week in February, we + announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the twenty-eighth, I + assure you there was no want of company: no, nor of titles neither; and it + always does my heart good even to hear one mentioned. + </p> + <p> + Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his + seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner): there + was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron + von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent + literati, author of “The Distrusted” “The Distorted,” “The Disgusted,” + “The Disreputable One,” and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady Max + and her daughter, the Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles + Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A., + K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala: my + friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, made + up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in black, + with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs. C. had + dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were seen round the + dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of + elation, and thought to myself—Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever would have + expected to see you here? + </p> + <p> + After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and to this + Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility + that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to + tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and + the Ladies North Pole her daughters; when I say that there were yet + OTHERS, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of + modesty, be mentioned here, I think I've said enough to show that, in our + time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company. + </p> + <p> + It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer Cordongblew. + I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol allamater dotell, + a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French dishes: and, for + the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles, called Champang, I + must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-Tuggeridge Coxe drank a very good share of + it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish). + However, the feed, as I say, went off very well: Lady Blanche Bluenose + sitting next to me, and being so good as to put me down for six copies of + all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter engaging Jemimarann for + several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my dear Jemmy with + Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as red as her new + crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and bird-of-paradise + feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant. + </p> + <p> + Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:—thunder-under-under + came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert's fiddlers + began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the gents thought + it high time to make our appearance. I felt a LITTLE squeamish at the + thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people; but Count Mace and + Sir Gorman O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we reached, at last, the + drawing-room. + </p> + <p> + The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great + ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working + away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann + amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron + Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle of + the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she + wasn't there! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking very + sulky; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the place + where the Duchesses were. “Oh, not there!” said Jemmy, trying to break + away. “Nonsense, my dear,” says I: “you are missis, and this is your + place.” Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, “Me and my + missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you.” + </p> + <p> + The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak. + </p> + <p> + I went on: “The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see; and so we + thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am, I + think, are too stiff to dance.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir!” says her Grace. + </p> + <p> + “Ma'am,” says I, “don't you know me? My name's Cox. Nobody's introduced + me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself—so + give us your hand, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but—would you + believe it?—the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot + 'tater. “Fitzurse! Fitzurse!” shouted she, “help! help!” Up scuffled all + the other Dowagers—in rushed the dancers. “Mamma! mamma!” squeaked + Lady Julia North Pole. “Lead me to my mother,” howled Lady Aurorer: and + both came up and flung themselves into her arms. “Wawt's the raw?” said + Lord Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately. + </p> + <p> + “Protect me from the insults of this man,” says her Grace. “Where's + Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Duchess,” said Tufthunt, very meek. + </p> + <p> + “Don't Duchess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak; and + hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn't his + monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people, + Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!” + </p> + <p> + “And my carriage,” “And mine,” “And mine!” shouted twenty more voices. And + down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche Bluenose and Lady Max + among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal and one or two men, + who roared with laughter ready to split. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Sam,” said my wife, sobbing, “why would you take me back to them? + they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess whether she didn't + like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos: and—would + you believe it?—all the company burst out laughing; and the Duchess + told me just to keep off, and not to speak till I was spoken to. + Imperence! I'd like to tear her eyes out.” + </p> + <p> + And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would! + </p> + <p> + A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS. + </p> + <p> + Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still upon + fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to + Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here + there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and + suppers, danced at our balls—ay, and spoke to us too. We were great + people in fact: I a regular country gentleman; and as such, Jemmy insisted + that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. “But,” says I, “my + love, I can't ride.” “Pooh! Mr. C.” said she, “you're always making + difficulties: you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille; you thought you + couldn't dine at seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't lie in bed after + six; and haven't you done every one of these things? You must and you + shall ride!” And when my Jemmy said “must and shall,” I knew very well + there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to the hunt, and, + out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received notice that the + meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail Common, just outside my + lodge-gates. + </p> + <p> + I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was most + probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag explained this + matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a delightful + animal of his own; which, being desperately pressed for money, he would + let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having given a hundred and + fifty for it. + </p> + <p> + Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. C. + turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being helped up on my + chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came presently + round to join them. + </p> + <p> + Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, “I thought,” + he said, “you told me you knew how to ride; and that you had ridden once + fifty miles on a stretch!” + </p> + <p> + “And so I did,” says I, “to Cambridge, and on the box too.” + </p> + <p> + “ON THE BOX!” says he; “but did you ever mount a horse before?” + </p> + <p> + “Never,” says I, “but I find it mighty easy.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” says he, “you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe, + for your spirit.” And so we came out of the gate. + </p> + <p> + As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt, + but what a hunt is—why the horses WILL go among the dogs and ride + them down—why the men cry out “yooooic”—why the dogs go + snuffing about in threes and fours, and the huntsman says, “Good Towler—good + Betsy,” and we all of us after him say, “Good Towler—good Betsy” in + course: then, after hearing a yelp here and a howl there, tow, row, yow, + yow, yow! burst out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the + chap in a velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat + here), “Hark, to Ringwood!” and then, “There he goes!” says some one; and + all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping, + screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays, horses, + dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard boys, go + tearing all together over the common after two or three of the pack that + yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can't say; but it all took place the + second Thursday of last March, in my presence. + </p> + <p> + Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been + trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I managed to + stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went Trumpeter + like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the dogs like the + donkey among the chickens. “Back, Mr. Coxe,” holloas the huntsman; and so + I pulled very hard, and cried out, “Wo!” but he wouldn't; and on I went + galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a wonder; but I squeezed my + knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very hard into the stirrups, and + kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's neck, and looked betwixt his + ears as well as ever I could, and trusted to luck: for I was in a mortal + fright, sure enough, as many a better man would be in such a case, let + alone a poor hairdresser. + </p> + <p> + As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you + honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; nothing in + this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-colored mane, and that I + gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking, + the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble. + </p> + <p> + There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the “Spicy Dustman,” who, + when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out on + his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed to + keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly through the cross-roads, and + knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the hounds would + find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would take, + the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail to + Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt. There's a + small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the leading chaps + took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate, and so would I, + only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and be hanged to him, + and went right for it. + </p> + <p> + Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your arms, + off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel—that is, I did—is + a most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the + stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree; Trumpeter gone clean from + under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of + the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse couldn't get + away: and neither of us, I thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of a + sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman! + </p> + <p> + “Holloa!” says I, “you gent, just let us down from this here tree!” + </p> + <p> + “Lor'!” says he, “I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin.” + </p> + <p> + “Let's down,” says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging + Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as + possible. “Let's down,” says I. “Presently,” says he; and taking off his + coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and saddle; + and when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did?—he just + quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, “Git down yourself, + old Bearsgrease; you've only to drop! I'LL give your 'oss a hairing arter + them 'ounds; and you—vy, you may ride back my pony to + Tuggeridgeweal!” And with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away, leaving + me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the branch + would break. + </p> + <p> + It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got out of + it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apollor + Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop window when I + was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our rose-oil. + Faugh! what a figure I was! + </p> + <p> + I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very + quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; and after a + weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate. + </p> + <p> + A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; their + Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a number of horses + walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the hunt, who had + come in after losing their fox! “Here's Squire Coxe!” shouted the grooms. + Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of the hunt, and on trotted + poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody dying with laughter at me. + </p> + <p> + Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed me; a + man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very gravely, to + help me down. + </p> + <p> + “Squire,” says he, “how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git down, + will you, and give it to its howner?” + </p> + <p> + “Rascal!” says I, “didn't you ride off on my horse?” + </p> + <p> + “Was there ever sich ingratitude?” says the Spicy. “I found this year 'oss + in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his master, and + he calls me a rascal!” + </p> + <p> + The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all set + up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed, as not + to be able to laugh just then. + </p> + <p> + And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I showed + great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but “No,” says I, “I HAVE been.” + </p> + <p> + THE FINISHING TOUCH. + </p> + <p> + I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram's in Greek + Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet twice a + week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted the first + man of the club; and could take five from John the marker himself. I had a + genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was placed in that station + of life where I could cultivate my talents, I gave them full play, and + improved amazingly. I do say that I think myself as good a hand as any + chap in England. + </p> + <p> + The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you, + astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three rubbers + Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him all + to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the + betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew + what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings, + so my skill was of no great service to me. + </p> + <p> + One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen were high + in words. “The thing shall not be done,” I heard Captain Tagrag say: “I + won't stand it.” + </p> + <p> + “Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?” said the + Baron. + </p> + <p> + “You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar,” said the Count: “ve + vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill.” + </p> + <p> + “What's all this, gents,” says I, stepping in, “about birds and feathers?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” says Tagrag, “we were talking about—about—pigeon-shooting; + the Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and + I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting,” cries the Baron: “and I know no + better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is + gabidal.” + </p> + <p> + “No doubt,” says I, “for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the + PIGEON.” And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I didn't know + then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave Master Baron, that day, + a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than fifteen + shillings of his money. + </p> + <p> + As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took in the + Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that celebrated + publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for me, + Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon—and + the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the kidney + species of that vegetable—made no small noise at the time, and got + me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant reader of + the Notices to Correspondents, and, my early education having been rayther + neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is the custom in + our trade, to practise on a sheep's head at the tender age of nine years, + before I was allowed to venture on the humane countenance,)—I say, + being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical learning, I must confess + I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of genteel information from that + treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at least sufficient to make me a match + in learning for all the noblemen and gentlemen who came to our house. + Well, on looking over the Flare-up notices to correspondents, I read, one + day last April, among the notices, as follows:— + </p> + <p> + “'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of Covent Garden + Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a married + man. + </p> + <p> + “'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's + second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn, + gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen + should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined. + </p> + <p> + “'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame Vestris: + her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of Charles + Mathews, the celebrated comedian. + </p> + <p> + “'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in England, is + Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville: + Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a + hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his superior. Verbum sap. + </p> + <p> + “'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead.” + </p> + <p> + I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how the + Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and both + agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his play, + would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We read + him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. “Id is,” he cried, “the + tables” (or “de DABELS,” as he called them),—“de horrid dabels; gom + viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you.” We all + roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy the + fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any tables he + chose. + </p> + <p> + “Gut,” says he, “gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant; his + dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill.” And I said I would: and + it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera, we + should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance. + </p> + <p> + We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw: lots of + Champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and fun. + Afterwards, down we went to billiards. “Is dish Misther Coxsh, de + shelebrated player?” says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one or + two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen, dirty, + snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. “Is dish Misther Coxsh? blesh + my hart, it is a honor to see you; I have heard so much of your play.” + </p> + <p> + “Come, come,” says I, “sir”—for I'm pretty wide awake—“none of + your gammon; you're not going to book ME.” + </p> + <p> + “No, begar, dis fish you not catch,” says Count Mace. + </p> + <p> + “Dat is gut!—haw! haw!” snorted the Baron. “Hook him! Lieber Himmel, + you might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!” + </p> + <p> + Well, we went to play. “Five to four on Coxe,” screams out the Count.—“Done + and done,” says another nobleman. “Ponays,” says the Count.—“Done,” + says the nobleman. “I vill take your six crowns to four,” says the Baron.—“Done,” + says I. And, in the twinkling of an eye, I beat him once making thirteen + off the balls without stopping. + </p> + <p> + We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long + faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote + I.O.U.'s for the Count! “Va toujours, mon cher,” says he to me, “you have + von for me three hundred pounds.” + </p> + <p> + “I'll blay you guineas dis time,” says the Baron. “Zeven to four you must + give me though.” And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT game was won, and + the Baron handed over his pounds. “Two hundred and sixty more, my dear, + dear Coxe,” says the Count: “you are mon ange gardien!” “Wot a flat + Misther Coxsh is, not to back his luck,” I hoard Abednego whisper to one + of the foreign noblemen. + </p> + <p> + “I'll take your seven to four, in tens,” said I to the Baron. “Give me + three,” says he, “and done.” I gave him three, and lost the game by one. + “Dobbel, or quits,” says he. “Go it,” says I, up to my mettle: “Sam Coxe + never says no;” and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to his + five. “Holy Moshesh!” says Abednego, “dat little Coxsh is a vonder! who'll + take odds?” + </p> + <p> + “I'll give twenty to one,” says I, “in guineas.” + </p> + <p> + “Ponays; yase, done,” screams out the Count. + </p> + <p> + “BONIES, done,” roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak, went in, + and—would you believe it?—in two minutes he somehow made the + game! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! In + vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies; and + when I refused, they both said their honor was concerned, and they must + have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually that, + in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from me, he + had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word of honor + of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that ponies had + been betted;—why, I paid them one thousand pounds sterling of good + and lawful money.—But I've not played for money since: no, no; catch + me at THAT again if you can. + </p> + <p> + A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA. + </p> + <p> + No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, who knew + as much about music,—bless her!—as I do about Sanscrit, + algebra, or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second + tier. It was what they called a double box; it really COULD hold two, that + is, very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain—for five hundred + a year! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our + places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front; me, behind: but as my dear + wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich feathers, + birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin, + scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of the front + of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four times in + the course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight of the actors. + By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling Jemmy's sleeve, I + DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of Senior Lablash's + boots, in the “Puritanny,” and once actually saw Madame Greasi's crown and + head-dress in “Annybalony.” + </p> + <p> + What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us aristocracy + used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your three courses (three + curses I used to call them;—for so, indeed, they are, causing a deal + of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, pills, want of sleep, and such + like)—just, I say, as you get down your three courses, which I defy + any man to enjoy properly unless he has two hours of drink and quiet + afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as fine as a + duchess, and scented like our shop. “Come, my dear,” says she, “it's + 'Normy' to—night” (or “Annybalony,” or the “Nosey di Figaro,” or the + “Gazzylarder,” as the case may be). “Mr. Foster strikes off punctually at + eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present at the very + first bar of the aperture.” And so off we are obliged to budge, to be + miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the next twelve, and + all because it's the fashion! + </p> + <p> + After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am given + to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in + Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do nothing BUT sing. Bless + us! how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the “Gazzylarder” to fly + up to the top of the church-steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the + chaps with the pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June. Not + that I don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini: him + who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the first + piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a LITTLE too much, + for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes. + </p> + <p> + The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You SHOULD have + seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and when + Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a gentleman, + to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl blushed, + when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only five of + her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging to them, + almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round, like a + teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more; and as she settled down, at + last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should have heard how + the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with all their might, + and waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting, “Bravo!” Some people, + who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an exhibition, threw bunches of + flowers at her; and what do you think she did? Why, hang me, if she did + not come forward, as though nothing had happened, gather up the things + they had thrown at her, smile, press them to her heart, and begin whirling + round again faster than ever. Talk about coolness, I never saw such in all + MY born days. + </p> + <p> + “Nasty thing!” says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; “if women WILL act so, + it serves them right to be treated so.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes! she acts beautifully,” says our friend his Excellency, who along + with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming to our + box. + </p> + <p> + “She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and I am + very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and + that the people waved to her to get off.” + </p> + <p> + Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of laughter. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Mrs. Coxe,” says Tag, “those are the most famous dancers in the + world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses at them, in + token of our immense admiration!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I never!” said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the + curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done the next + begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and bounding + in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at least six feet from + the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were more + astonished than ever! + </p> + <p> + “That's Anatole,” says one of the gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + “Anna who?” says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this person + had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black ringlets, and a + little calico frock, which came down to the knees. + </p> + <p> + “Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as active + as a man of twenty.” + </p> + <p> + “HE!” shrieked out my wife; “what, is that there a man? For shame! + Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I'll thank + you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home.” + </p> + <p> + You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a horror + at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to it; but she + liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and so would stop + till the end of everything; and, law bless you! in three weeks from that + time, she could look at the ballet as she would at a dancing-dog in the + streets, and would bring her double-barrelled opera-glass up to her eyes + as coolly as if she had been a born duchess. As for me, I did at Rome as + Rome does; and precious fun it used to be, sometimes. + </p> + <p> + My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the scenes; + where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ONTRAY. Behind, + then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of! Fancy lots of + young and old gents of the fashion crowding round and staring at the + actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners, + chattering always, and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of + Jews, with hooked-noses and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains, + sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old + nightgowns, with knock-knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings, + and dabs of brick-dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such + wigs!) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap, or + else shepherds' crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and + green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to and + fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard Cupids, + dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, confusion and gabble + of all conceivable languages was never known! + </p> + <p> + If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking twenty, he + looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving it a + touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy was + standing by with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner of + Charles Street. + </p> + <p> + I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour which + they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage, before + the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes are + gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and canes + in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn't wait. + </p> + <p> + Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain flies up, + and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very last + moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very affable to + the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about me, and asking + them if they wasn't cold, and such like politeness, in the most + condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn, and down I + popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below. Luckily I was + stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of green blankets + and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the sea. If I had not + fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the consequence of the + collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear to hear of my paying + the least attention to the fair sex. + </p> + <p> + STRIKING A BALANCE. + </p> + <p> + Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the Earl of + Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his mother the + Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda + MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; and a son, the Honorable + Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow MacTurk, only ten months older + than our boy Tug. + </p> + <p> + My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, made + every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of + Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter of + the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of + Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing so + angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship down. + The Kilblazes' estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property by two + thousand a year at least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept only two + footmen, was quite authorized in having three; and she made it a point, as + soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to have out her + own carriage-and-four. + </p> + <p> + Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big. Whatever + masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and what do you think + Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, Madame de Flicflac, away from + the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was quite a treasure, they + said, to have Madame Flicflac: she had been (to support her father, the + Count, when he emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the ITALIAN Opera. French + dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at once, and in the best style: it + is astonishing how quick and well she used to speak—the French + especially. + </p> + <p> + Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement + Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the + age of three to fifteen; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug, + adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the + boarders. I think I found out the dear soul's reason; for, one day, + speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the + Kilblazes, she whispered to him that “she never would have thought of + sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid; + THEIR lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did + the best they could on their income!” + </p> + <p> + Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been tutor + to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, and, as I + tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You read + in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called it,) after the account + of the charges for board, masters, extras, &c.—“Every young + nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife, fork, spoon, and + goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned; a + dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. + &c. The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have more than ten + guineas of pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or he + be above fifteen years of age. WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm, + vapor, and douche baths. CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of + fifteen guineas per quarter. It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young + nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to THE + CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment were profane. + </p> + <p> + “CLEMENT CODDLER, M. A., + </p> + <p> + “Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster. + </p> + <p> + “MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY.” + </p> + <p> + To this establishment our Tug was sent. “Recollect, my dear,” said his + mamma, “that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to beat + all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington MacTurk, who, + though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of + Tuggeridgeville.” + </p> + <p> + Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as any + young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and could + shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the old time, when we were not + great people: when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn Latin and + Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for, on going to school. + </p> + <p> + However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send monthly + accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of the + world, I don't know who was. It was + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + General behavior......excellent. + English...............very good. + French................tres bien. + Latin.................optime. +</pre> + <p> + And so on:—he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month + for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he had + been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler, one of + the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bedrooms and + eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them), which were + all as comfortable as comfortable might be. “It is a holiday, today,” said + Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it seemed to be. In the dining-room were half a + dozen young gentlemen playing at cards (“All tip-top nobility,” observed + Mr. Coddler);—in the bedrooms there was only one gent: he was lying + on his bed, reading novels and smoking cigars. “Extraordinary genius!” + whispered Coddler. “Honorable Tom Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's; + smokes all day; and has written the SWEETEST poems you can imagine. + Genius, my dear madam, you know—genius must have its way.” “Well, + UPON my word,” says Jemmy, “if that's genius, I had rather that Master + Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull fellow.” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible, my dear madam,” said Coddler. “Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe COULDN'T + be stupid if he TRIED.” + </p> + <p> + Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of + Allycompane. We were introduced instantly: “Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr. and + Mrs. Coxe.” The little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very low, and + so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord making for the playground, + begged him to show us the way.—“Come along,” says my lord; and as he + walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the beautiful holes + in his jacket, and elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a + pastry-cook's shop at the end of the green. “That's the grub-shop,” said + my lord, “where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and + them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick.” + </p> + <p> + Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. “That's + Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am,” says my lord. “We keep him, for he's very + useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when there's a + fight, or a game at cricket.—Well, Hicks, how's your mother? what's + the row now?” “I believe, my lord,” said the usher, very meekly, “there is + a pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises—the Honorable Mr. + Mac—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! COME along,” said Lord Lollypop, “come along: this way, ma'am! Go it, + ye cripples!” And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in the kindest and + most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to be so + taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running across the + green. “Who is it, Petitoes?” screams my lord. “Turk and the barber,” + pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastry-cook's like mad. “Turk and the ba—,” + laughs out my lord, looking at us. “HURRA! THIS way, ma'am!” And turning + round a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard, where a number of boys + were collected, and a great noise of shrill voices might be heard. “Go it, + Turk!” says one. “Go it, barber!” says another. “PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!” + roars another, whose voice was just cracked, and his clothes half a yard + too short for him! + </p> + <p> + Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling away + at the Honorable Master MacTurk! My dear Jemmy, who don't understand such + things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand tearing away Tug, + sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds, while, with the + other, she clawed hold of Master MacTurk's red hair, and, as soon as she + got her second hand free, banged it about his face and ears like a good + one. + </p> + <p> + “You nasty—wicked—quarrelsome—aristocratic” (each word + was a bang)—“aristocratic—oh! oh! oh!”—Here the words + stopped; for what with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful + kick on the shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered, + my dear Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my arms. + </p> + <p> + DOWN AT BEULAH. + </p> + <p> + Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us, yet + Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their acquaintance over the + back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting, making + friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the holidays. + Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame de Flicflac, + of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have related. When our + friend the Baron first saw Madame, a very tender greeting passed between + them; for they had, as it appeared, been old friends abroad. “Sapristie,” + said the Baron, in his lingo, “que fais-tu ici, Amenaide?” “Et toi, mon + pauvre Chicot,” says she, “est-ce qu'on t'a mis a la retraite? Il parait + que tu n'es plus General chez Franco—” “CHUT!” says the Baron, + putting his finger to his lips. + </p> + <p> + “What are they saying, my dear?” says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a + pretty knowledge of the language by this time. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know what 'Sapristie' means, mamma; but the Baron asked Madame + what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot, you are no + more a General at Franco.'—Have I not translated rightly, Madame?” + </p> + <p> + “Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right. Figure + yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years.” + </p> + <p> + “Chicot is my name of baptism,” says the Baron; “Baron Chicot de Punter is + my name.” + </p> + <p> + “And being a General at Franco,” says Jemmy, “means, I suppose, being a + French General?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I vas,” said he, “General Baron de Punter—n'est 'a pas, + Amenaide?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes!” said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy laughed out + of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall hear. + </p> + <p> + About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that + admirable institution, “The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;” Lady de Sudley + was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, the excellent + and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that of Doctor + Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her ladyship's), drew away five + hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the Charity: and Lady de Sudley + thought a fete at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the foreign princes + who were in town last year, might bring a little more money into its + treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and published in all + the papers:— + </p> + <p> + “APPEAL. “BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME. + </p> + <p> + “The 'Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been established seven years: + and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated, + INCALCULABLE. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen have been lodged + within its walls. One hundred and two British Washerwomen have been + relieved when in the last state of decay. ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT + THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been washed, mended, + buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And, by an arrangement + with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped that THE BABY-LINEN OF + THAT HOSPITAL will be confided to the British Washerwoman's Home! + </p> + <p> + “With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable to + think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to reject + the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE + BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? Ladies of + England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there one of you that + will not respond to the cry in behalf of these deserving members of our + sex? + </p> + <p> + “It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at Beulah + Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the first foreign and + native TALENT; by the first foreign and native RANK; and where they beg + for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S FRIEND.” + </p> + <p> + Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke of + Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency + Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the Persian + Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His Excellency + Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the Spanish Ambassador, + Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of Topinambo, and a + host of other fashionables, promised to honor the festival: and their + names made a famous show in the bills. Besides these, we had the + celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seven Transylvanian + trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian Minnesingers; with all the leading + artists of London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of Europe. + </p> + <p> + I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British Washerwoman's + Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was erected, in which + the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was hung round with specimens of + the skill of the washerwomen's orphans; ninety-six of whom were to be + feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the Ladies-Patronesses. + </p> + <p> + Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count, Baron + Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and + barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her + carriage-and-two. + </p> + <p> + There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the + Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their beaux + went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having each an arm + of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and Jemimarann. Whilst + they were walking, whom should they light upon but poor Orlando Crump, my + successor in the perfumery and hair-cutting. + </p> + <p> + “Orlando!” says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out + her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Jemimar!” says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum. + </p> + <p> + “SIR!” says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess. + </p> + <p> + “What! madam,” says poor Crump, “don't you remember your shopboy?” + </p> + <p> + “Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?” whimpers Jemimarann, whose + hand he had got hold of. + </p> + <p> + “Miss Tuggeridge Coxe,” says Jemmy, “I'm surprised of you. Remember, sir, + that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more familiarity.” + </p> + <p> + “Insolent fellow!” says the Baron, “vat is dis canaille?” + </p> + <p> + “Canal yourself, Mounseer,” says Orlando, now grown quite furious: he + broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann, + as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill; and her mamma, + therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame + Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself with the other gentlemen, in + order to join us. + </p> + <p> + It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac + suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a + friend whom she saw pass. + </p> + <p> + The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the + champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I don't + know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when the Baron + dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration. + </p> + <p> + Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by my + side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian + Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee. + Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee.” + “Chorus—Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!” + </pre> + <p> + They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual, and had + just come to the “o-o-o,” at the end of the chorus of the forty-seventh + stanza, when Orlando started: “That's a scream!” says he. “Indeed it is,” + says I; “and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very ugly scream too:” + when I heard another shrill “Oh!” as I thought; and Orlando bolted off, + crying, “By heavens, it's HER voice!” “Whose voice?” says I. “Come and see + the row,” says Tag. And off we went, with a considerable number of people, + who saw this strange move on his part. + </p> + <p> + We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting; her + mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the ground, holding a + handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando squaring at him, and + calling on him to fight if he dared. + </p> + <p> + My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. “Take that feller away,” says she; + “he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the + least.” + </p> + <p> + Poor Orlando was carried off. “I've no patience with the little minx,” + says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. “She might be a Baron's lady; and + she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, mamma! mamma!” sobs poor Jemimarann, “but he was t-t-tipsy.” + </p> + <p> + “T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a + nobleman who does not know what he is doing.” + </p> + <p> + A TOURNAMENT. + </p> + <p> + “I say, Tug,” said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at Beulah, + “Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I told + you: the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we are going + to do. What do you think? we're going to have a tournament!” “What's a + tournament?” says Tug, and so said his mamma when she heard the news; and + when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she WAS as angry as + MacTurk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days together. “What!” + says she, “dress up in armor, like play-actors, and run at each other with + spears? The Kilblazes must be mad!” And so I thought, but I didn't think + the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they were: for, when Jemmy heard that + the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as yet, a profound secret, what does + she do, but send down to the Morning Post a flaming account of + </p> + <p> + “THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE! + </p> + <p> + “The days of chivalry are NOT past. The fair Castellane of + T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been alluded + to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall exceed in + splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are not at liberty + to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de P-nt-r and + Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th—s T-gr-g, are to be the + knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN OF BEAUTY, of whose + loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power; a banquet, + unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a ball, in which the recollections + of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones of Weippert and + Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye of T-gg-ridgeville + has prepared for her distinguished guests.” + </p> + <p> + The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback, and in + the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number of our + friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he vaulted over + his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never were done except at + Ducrow's. + </p> + <p> + And now—oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter, + to describe the wonders of the day!—Twenty-four knights came from + Ashley's at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolford + in the character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a + tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called + ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put up when people die,) and + underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament. + Tagrag was in brass armor (my City connections got him that famous suit); + his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet, modelled exactly + after that of Queen Catharine, in “Henry V.;” a tight gilt jacket, which + set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train of at least forty + feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided with pearls. Madame + de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady Blanche Bluenose as a + Turkish princess. An alderman of London and his lady; two magistrates of + the county, and the very pink of Croydon; several Polish noblemen; two + Italian counts (besides our Count); one hundred and ten young officers, + from Addiscombe College, in full uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir + Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B., and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing + Establishment, and fourteen young ladies, all in white: the Reverend + Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine young gentlemen, of the first families, + under his charge—were SOME only of the company. I leave you to fancy + that, if my Jemmy did seek for fashion, she had enough of it on this + occasion. They wanted me to have mounted again, but my hunting-day had + been sufficient; besides, I ain't big enough for a real knight: so, as + Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening the Tournament—and I knew it was in + vain to resist—the Baron and Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so + that I might come off with safety, if I came off at all. They had procured + from the Strand Theatre a famous stud of hobby-horses, which they told me + had been trained for the use of the great Lord Bateman. I did not know + exactly what they were till they arrived; but as they had belonged to a + lord, I thought it was all right, and consented; and I found it the best + sort of riding, after all, to appear to be on horseback and walk safely + a-foot at the same time; and it was impossible to come down as long as I + kept on my own legs: besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much + as I liked, without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of + the Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in + blue and gold: I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost + wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet and + breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at the time. + Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each other, till, + prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat behind, and down I + came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same time, that almost + broke my shoulder-bone. “This was sufficient,” they said, “for the laws of + chivalry;” and I was glad to get off so. + </p> + <p> + After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven, in + complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the ring; and the Baron + was far, far the most skilful. + </p> + <p> + “How sweetly the dear Baron rides,” said my wife, who was always ogling at + him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. “I say, Sam,” + says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course, they + came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called it:—“I + say, Sam, I'm blowed if that chap in harmer mustn't have been one of hus.” + And this only made Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is, the Baron had + chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her mother. + </p> + <p> + The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him the + prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he + receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet + mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of the + lists; then galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated, he + begged her to place it on his helmet. The poor girl blushed very much, and + did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up, and, laying + his hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his ear, which + made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off violently. + “Chacun pour soi,” says he, “Monsieur de Taguerague,”—which means, I + am told, “Every man for himself.” And then he rode away, throwing his + lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse caper and prance, to + the admiration of all beholders. + </p> + <p> + After this came the “Passage of Arms.” Tagrag and the Baron ran courses + against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece; whereupon the + other three refused to turn out; and preciously we laughed at them, to be + sure! + </p> + <p> + “Now, it's OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT,” says Tagrag, shaking his fist at the + Baron: “look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter, I'll + do my best!” And before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite + bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away, spears + in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed; in vain I threw + down my truncheon: they had broken two poles before I could say “Jack + Robinson,” and were driving at each other with the two new ones. The Baron + had the worst of the first course, for he had almost been carried out of + his saddle. “Hark you, Chicot!” screamed out Tagrag, “next time look to + your head!” And next time, sure enough, each aimed at the head of the + other. + </p> + <p> + Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's helmet, + plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer still—his + lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground like a stone. + </p> + <p> + “He's won! he's won!” says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann + fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I should + drop. All the company were in an uproar: only the Baron looked calm, and + bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy; when, all of a + sudden, a Jewish-looking man springing over the barrier, and followed by + three more, rushed towards the Baron. “Keep the gate, Bob!” he holloas + out. “Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, for—” + </p> + <p> + But he never said for what; shouting out, “Aha!” and “Sapprrrristie!” and + I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into his + horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before another word. He had + threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr. Stubbs, only + that gentleman made way for him; and when we took up the bailiff, and + brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water, he told us all. + “I had a writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't vant to shpoil + shport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey knocked off his shteel + cap!” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Here was a pretty business! + </p> + <p> + OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED. + </p> + <p> + We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville: but, + after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor Lord + Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and the Emperor + Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and silk stockings, like Mr. + Pell's friend in Pickwick; we, having employed the gentlemen from Astley's + Antitheatre, had some decent sport for our money. + </p> + <p> + We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself by + his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb, the + bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My sweet + Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and a sad + thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no more + minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of muffins + across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea. + </p> + <p> + Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was the + day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at + Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good, and + declared that she should die unless she went to the seaside in France. I + knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to resist her as to + resist her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; so I told the people + to pack up the things, and took four places on board the “Grand Turk” + steamer for Boulogne. + </p> + <p> + The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my + carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before; + and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was + the—but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the + other carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants, + and fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear + girl in the journey. + </p> + <p> + The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we saw + the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St. Bartholomew;—why + erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is in Smithfield;—we + had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House, where we saw the + two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of the chimneys, and were + landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt melancholy, for we were going + among a people of swindlers, as all Frenchmen are thought to be; and, + besides not being able to speak the language, leaving our own dear country + and honest countrymen. + </p> + <p> + Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest + civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor; ay, and your + honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. I + somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away. “Here, my fine + fellow,” says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful, holding + his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other—“Here, my + fine chap,” says I, “here's six shillings for you;” for I did not care for + the money. + </p> + <p> + “Six what?” says he. + </p> + <p> + “Six shillings, fellow,” shrieks Jemmy, “and twice as much as your fare.” + </p> + <p> + “Feller, marm!” says this insolent coachman. “Feller yourself, marm: do + you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and + bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps for six + hog?” And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it, and + doubling his fist put it so very near my nose that I really thought he + would have made it bleed. “My fare's heighteen shillings,” says he, + “hain't it?—hask hany of these gentlemen.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six,” says one of the fourteen + porters; “but if the gen'l'man IS a gen'l'man, he can't give no less than + a suffering anyhow.” + </p> + <p> + I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, “Holloa!” says + one. “What's the row?” says another. “Come, dub up!” roars a third. And I + don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that I + took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had + disappeared by this time: they always do when there's a robbery or a row + going on. + </p> + <p> + I was going after them. “Stop, Mr. Ferguson,” pipes a young gentleman of + about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles, + and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together. “Stop, Mr. + Heff,” says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, “and don't forgit + the cabman.” + </p> + <p> + “What's your fare, my lad?” says I. + </p> + <p> + “Why, let's see—yes—ho!—my fare's seven-and-thirty and + eightpence eggs—acly.” + </p> + <p> + The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed + very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was, I + thought, the hackney-coachman. “Why, YOU rascal!” says Jemmy, laying hold + of the boy, “do you want more than the coachman?” + </p> + <p> + “Don't rascal ME, marm!” shrieks the little chap in return. “What's the + coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like; vy + don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I to + come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and + not git my fare, marm? Come, give me a suffering and a half, and don't + keep my hoss avaiting all day.” This speech, which takes some time to + write down, was made in about the fifth part of a second; and, at the end + of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing towards + Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight. + </p> + <p> + My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor, and + fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called “Policeman!” but a policeman + won't interfere in Thames Street; robbery is licensed there. What was I to + do? Oh! my heart beats with paternal gratitude when I think of what my Tug + did! + </p> + <p> + As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting attitude, + Master Tuggeridge Coxe—who had been standing by laughing very + rudely, I thought—Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket + suddenly into his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start and + recovered her a little), and, before we could say a word was in the ring + in which we stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I + don't know how many newspaper-boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and, + whirling about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the + red waistcoat, who brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the + enemy, was engaged in an instant. + </p> + <p> + But la bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; and + MILLED away one, two, right and left—like a little hero as he is, + with all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came a crack which sent a + long dusky white hat—that looked damp and deep like a well, and had + a long black crape-rag twisted round it—first came a crack which + sent this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab and scattered among + the crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,—such + as a ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little + warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c. + </p> + <p> + The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no time: + another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third, which hit him + straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the ground. + </p> + <p> + “Brayvo, my lord!” shouted all the people around. + </p> + <p> + “I won't have no more, thank yer,” said the little cabman, gathering + himself up. “Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?” + </p> + <p> + “What's your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?” says Tug. + </p> + <p> + “Vy, then, two-and-eightpence,” says he. “Go along,—you KNOW it is!” + and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and hissed the + cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. We heard the packet-bell + ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in time. + </p> + <p> + I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very nearly so, + in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and Jemimarann, and Tug, and + the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came to my + turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a PLANK, but seldom of + their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the vessel rode off + a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the water. You might + have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it rung in my ears as I + went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving her a disconsolate + widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of my beaver-hat—though + I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:—I floated, and hoped + to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just then, I felt myself + suddenly jerked by the waistband of my whites, and found myself hauled up + in the air at the end of a boat-hook, to the sound of “Yeho! yeho! yehoi! + yehoi!” and so I was dragged aboard. I was put to bed, and had swallowed + so much water that it took a very considerable quantity of brandy to bring + it to a proper mixture in my inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a + very deplorable state. + </p> + <p> + NOTICE TO QUIT. + </p> + <p> + Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right and + left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there; and + being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a lord, + she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said, he + possessed a magnificent —— hotel he called it;—and I + remember Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea; but hotel, we found + afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need I + describe the road from Boulogne to Paris? or need I describe that Capitol + itself? Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there, at + “Murisse's Hotel,” as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw + everything worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed me, + to be sure; but, when you're on a pleasure-party in a foreign country, you + must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort. + </p> + <p> + Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of trees, + which—I don't know why—is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian + Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but mine + I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this Shandeleezy + is an open space of ground, and a tent where, during the summer, Mr. + Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with his horses and things. As + everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the thing, Jemmy + agreed that we should go too; and go we did. + </p> + <p> + It's just like Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who goes + round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there are a dozen Miss + Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, Dihannas, Sultannas, + Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There's the fat man, who comes in with + the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the living skeleton! + There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that dances a hornpipe, + the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear country. + </p> + <p> + My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking at + her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any + knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it), + when there came in, presently, “the great Polish act of the Sarmatian + horse-tamer, on eight steeds,” which we were all of us longing to see. The + horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of his + horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You couldn't + see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and applauded like + mad. Presently, you saw there were only three horses in front: he had + slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and it was clear that + the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any more. The people + applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and eight were made to + go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and out, with the others, so + that you did not know which was which, the house, I thought, would come + down with applause; and the Sarmatian horse-tamer bowed his great feathers + to the ground. At last the music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely + round the ring; bending, smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying + his hand on his heart, just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But + fancy our astonishment when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming + round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, gave a + start, and a—hupp! which made all his horses stop stock-still at an + instant. + </p> + <p> + “Albert!” screamed my dear Jemmy: “Albert! Bahbahbah—baron!” The + Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels, three + times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight. + </p> + <p> + It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER! + </p> + <p> + Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; but we + heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and had + run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr. + Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree with + him; and we saw the last of him as he sprung over the barriers at the + Tuggeridgeville tournament. + </p> + <p> + “Well, Jemimarann,” says Jemmy, in a fury, “you shall marry Tagrag; and if + I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a baronet's + lady.” Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was of no use to + remonstrate. + </p> + <p> + Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever to go + back to London: for what should we hear, but that that monster, + Tuggeridge, of the City—old Tug's black son, forsooth!—was + going to contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I don't know + how many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we set off + immediately, and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same + “Grand Turk” which had brought us to France. + </p> + <p> + If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on + Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often + not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless us! + I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on a + paddle-box, roaring out, “Ease her! Stop her!” and the poor servants, who + are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;—breakfast, + lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;—for layers upon layers of + travellers, as it were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with + those unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little + did we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and little were we + prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridgeville + property. + </p> + <p> + Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man of + business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off to + Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of going to + Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates, we found a crowd + assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridige on horseback, + with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man of business, + and many more. “Mr. Scapgoat,” says Tuggeridge, grinning, and handing him + over a sealed paper, “here's the lease; I leave you in possession, and + wish you good morning.” + </p> + <p> + “In possession of what?” says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville, + leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she + called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland + Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was + his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told him + to quit the house. Since then there had been law squabbles between us + without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations. + </p> + <p> + “Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam,” roars he, “left me by + my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and know + as well as I do.” + </p> + <p> + “Old Tug left no will,” shrieked Jemmy; “he didn't die to leave his + estates to blackamoors—to negroes—to base-born mulatto + story-tellers; if he did may I be ——-” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, hush! dearest mamma,” says Jemimarann. “Go it again, mother!” says + Tug, who is always sniggering. + </p> + <p> + “What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?” cried Tagrag (who was the only + one of our party that had his senses). “What is this will?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it's merely a matter of form,” said the lawyer, riding up. “For + heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and + Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people are + here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will follow, of + course.” + </p> + <p> + “Who has taken possession of this here property?” roars Jemmy, again. + </p> + <p> + “My friend Mr. Scapgoat,” said the lawyer.—Mr. Scapgoat grinned. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Scapgoat,” said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a woman + of no small spirit), “if you don't leave this ground I'll have you pushed + out with pitchforks, I will—you and your beggarly blackamoor + yonder.” And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a stable fork + into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, armed with a + rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their heels, and I + hurrahed for joy to see such villany so properly treated. + </p> + <p> + “That's sufficient, ain't it?” said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air in + the world. “Oh, completely,” said the lawyer. “Mr. Tuggeridge, we've ten + miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant.” And the whole posse of + them rode away. + </p> + <p> + LAW LIFE ASSURANCE. + </p> + <p> + We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from + Higgs, in London—which begun, “Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of + Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said county, was + attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and + arms, he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John + Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which is + not yet expired, and ejected him.” And it went on to say that “we, with + force of arms, viz, with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected him.” Was + there ever such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand in defence of + our own; and isn't it a sin that we should have been turned out of our + rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea? + </p> + <p> + Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would you + believe it?—they told us to give up possession at once, as a will + was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused their + proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will: she pronounced + it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; and believes, to this day, + that the story of its having been made thirty years ago, in Calcutta, and + left there with old Tug's papers, and found there, and brought to England, + after a search made by order of Tuggeridge junior, is a scandalous + falsehood. + </p> + <p> + Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? What + shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed of + the wig he sits in? What of Mr. —— and Mr. ——, who + exerted their eloquence against justice and the poor? On our side, too, + was no less a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the + honor of the British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too: for + he actually threw up his case! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his + junior—and to whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks—all + might have been well. I never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. + Mulligan, appearing for the first time in that court, said, “Standing here + upon the pidestal of secred Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a + profission I rispict; having before me a vinnerable judge, and an + enlightened jury—the counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, + the poor man's priceless palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must + the blush bejew my cheek—” (somebody cried out, “O CHEEKS!” In the + court there was a dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was + established, Mr. Mulligan continued:)—“My lard, I heed them not; I + come from a counthry accustomed to opprission, and as that counthry—yes, + my lard, THAT IRELAND—(do not laugh, I am proud of it)—is + ever, in spite of her tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful: my + client's cause, likewise, will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility—I + repeat, the MALIGNANT IMBECILITY—of those who would thrample it + down; and in whose teeth, in my client's name, in my counthry's—ay, + and MY OWN—I, with folded arrums, hurl a scarnful and eternal + defiance!” + </p> + <p> + “For heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan”—(“MULLIGAN, ME LARD,” cried my + defender)—“Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed + with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the + situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge the + elder gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my wife; the + state of Ireland; the original and virtuous poverty of the Coxes—from + which he glanced passionately, for a few minutes (until the judge stopped + him), to the poverty of his own country; my excellence as a husband, + father, landlord; my wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All was in vain—the + trial went against us. I was soon taken in execution for the damages; five + hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as much more of + Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get me out of a + much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that along with the + land went the house in town, and the money in the funds. Tuggeridge, he + who had thousands before, had it all. And when I was in prison, who do you + think would come and see me? None of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign + Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill our house, and eat and + drink at our expense,—not even the ungrateful Tagrag! + </p> + <p> + I could not help now saying to my dear wife, “See, my love, we have been + gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it. In + the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody laughed + at us.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and recollect how ill they made you,” cries my daughter. + </p> + <p> + “We asked great company, and they insulted us.” + </p> + <p> + “And spoilt mamma's temper,” said Jemimarann. + </p> + <p> + “Hush! Miss,” said her mother; “we don't want YOUR advice.” + </p> + <p> + “Then you must make a country gentleman of me.” + </p> + <p> + “And send Pa into dunghills,” roared Tug. + </p> + <p> + “Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them,” cries my little + Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy. + </p> + <p> + “And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine + school.” + </p> + <p> + “And I give you my word,” says Tug, “I'm as ignorant a chap as ever + lived.” + </p> + <p> + “You're an insolent saucebox,” says Jemmy; “you've learned that at your + fine school.” + </p> + <p> + “I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't,” + grumbles Tug. + </p> + <p> + “You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a + swindler.” + </p> + <p> + “And drive off poor Orlando,” whimpered my girl. + </p> + <p> + “Silence! Miss,” says Jemmy, fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me + into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never can help us + after all your bad language.” I said all this very smartly; for the fact + is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl + soundly. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! Sammy,” said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite + broken), “it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've + punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so, so + repent them!” Here Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung herself + into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten minutes + together. Even Tug looked queer: and as for me, it's a most extraordinary + thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable didn't make me quite + happy.—I don't think, for the whole twelve months of our good + fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet, where + I was locked up. + </p> + <p> + Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never taken + the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so cruelly + that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now. He used to + bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and he used to + take home Jemmy's fronts and dress them for her; and when locking-up time + came, he used to see the ladies home to their little three-pair bedroom in + Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. “Can the bird forget its + nest?” Orlando used to say (he was a romantic young fellow, that's the + truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron incessantly, since he was + separated from Jemimarann). “Can the bird, let loose in eastern climes, + forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember its beloved bulbul?—Ah, + no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I hope to die—a + hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered your shop, or + knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your house, your + furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving + customers, to me? Are these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if she would + allow me to call her so. Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me in the + workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I never, + never shall be different!” When he had said this, Orlando was so much + affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room. + </p> + <p> + Then Jemimarann began to cry too. “Oh, Pa!” said she, “isn't he—isn't + he a nice young man?” + </p> + <p> + “I'm HANGED if he ain't,” says Tug. “What do you think of his giving me + eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water for Mimarann?” + </p> + <p> + “He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate,” says + Jemmy. + </p> + <p> + “What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than give + Tuggeridge the chance.” + </p> + <p> + FAMILY BUSTLE. + </p> + <p> + Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in + prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves; and + were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings toward him, and + he actually wrote to me to say— + </p> + <p> + “SIR,—I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, + do not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims + which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my + father's estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my + father's papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with + perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs. For + this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself (who + acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a will, in India, proved MY + just claims, you must remember how they were met, and the vexatious + proceedings with which you sought to oppose them. + </p> + <p> + “I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more + fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will + give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you + shall find one to suit you. + </p> + <p> + “I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. You + have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to try his + fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an appointment; + and am, Sir, your obedient servant, + </p> + <p> + “JOHN TUGGERIDGE” + </p> + <p> + It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and + looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it. + </p> + <p> + “I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any + rate,” cries Jemmy. “There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a whole + heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him.” + </p> + <p> + “Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them + things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!” + And so she sailed out. + </p> + <p> + Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been in + misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when he + heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando. “Ah, + I suppose you'll forget me now?” says he with a sigh; and seemed the only + unhappy person in company. + </p> + <p> + “Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump,” says my wife, with a great deal of + dignity, “that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work—” + </p> + <p> + “Woman!” cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way), + “hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us + hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando, + if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you'll take five + hundred pounds for a half-share of the shop, they're yours; and THAT'S for + you, Mrs. Cox.” + </p> + <p> + And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop, + where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder, + plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and + Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all day + long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the bridal-dresses: + for the wedding is to take place the day after to-morrow. I've cut + seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and as for Jemmy, I no more + mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all his Tambarins. Last night + we had a merry meeting of our friends and neighbors, to celebrate our + reappearance among them; and very merry we all were. We had a capital + fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy hour this morning. We begun + with quadrills, but I never could do 'em well; and after that, to please + Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gallopard, which I found anything + but easy: for since I am come back to a life of peace and comfort, it's + astonishing how stout I'm getting. So we turned at once to what Jemmy and + me excels in—a country dance; which is rather surprising, as we was + both brought up to a town life. As for young Tug, he showed off in a + sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox says is very proper for him to learn, + now he is intended for the sea. But stop! here comes in the punchbowls; + and if we are not happy, who is? I say I am like the Swish people, for I + can't flourish out of my native HAIR. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUES *** + +***** This file should be named 2675-h.htm or 2675-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/7/2675/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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