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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Burlesques
+
+Author: William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+Release Date: May 21, 2006 [EBook #2675]
+Last Updated: March 5, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Donald Lainson
+
+
+
+
+
+BURLESQUES
+
+
+By William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+NOTES BY EMINENT HANDS.
+
+
+George de Barnwell. By Sir E. L. B. L., Bart.
+
+Codlingsby. By D. Shrewsberry, Esq.
+
+Phil Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-Oneth. By Harry Rollicker
+
+Barbazure. By G. P. R. Jeames, Esq., etc.
+
+Lords and Liveries. By the Authoress of “Dukes and Dejeuners,” “Hearts
+and Diamonds,” “Marchionesses and Milliners,” etc., etc.
+
+Crinoline. By Je-mes Pl-sh, Esq.
+
+The Stars and Stripes. By the Author of “The Last of the Mulligans,”
+ “Pilot,” etc.
+
+A Plan for a Prize Novel
+
+
+
+THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., WITH HIS LETTERS.
+
+
+A Lucky Speculator
+
+The Diary
+
+Jeames on Time Bargings
+
+Jeames on the Gauge Question
+
+Mr. Jeames Again
+
+
+
+THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
+
+
+I. “Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction”
+
+II. Allyghur and Laswaree
+
+III. A Peep into Spain.--Account of the Origin and Services of the
+Ahmednuggar Irregulars
+
+IV. The Indian Camp--the Sortie from the Fort
+
+V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife
+
+VI. Famine in the Garrison
+
+VII. The Escape
+
+VIII. The Captive
+
+IX. Surprise of Futtyghur
+
+
+
+A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
+
+
+I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg
+
+II. The Godesbergers
+
+III. The Festival
+
+IV. The Flight
+
+V. The Traitor's Doom
+
+VI. The Confession
+
+VII. The Sentence
+
+VIII. The Childe of Godesberg
+
+IX. The Lady of Windeck
+
+X. The Battle of the Bowmen
+
+XI. The Martyr of Love
+
+XII. The Champion
+
+XIII. The Marriage
+
+
+
+REBECCA AND ROWENA; A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE.
+
+
+CHAPTER
+
+I. The Overture--Commencement of the Business
+
+II. The Last Days of the Lion
+
+III. St. George for England
+
+IV. Ivanhoe Redivivus
+
+V. Ivanhoe to the Rescue
+
+VI. Ivanhoe the Widower
+
+VII. The End of the Performance
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
+
+
+I. --
+
+
+II. Henry V. and Napoleon III
+
+III. The Advance of the Pretenders--Historical Review
+
+IV. The Battle of Rheims
+
+V. The Battle of Tours
+
+VI. The English under Jenkins
+
+VII. The Leaguer of Paris
+
+VIII. The Battle of the Forts
+
+IX. Louis XVII
+
+
+
+COX'S DIARY.
+
+
+The Announcement
+
+First Rout
+
+A Day with the Surrey Hounds
+
+The Finishing Touch
+
+A New Drop-Scene at the Opera
+
+Striking a Balance
+
+Down at Beulah
+
+A Tournament
+
+Over-Boarded and Under-Lodged
+
+Notice to Quit
+
+Law Life Assurance
+
+Family Bustle
+
+
+
+
+NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
+
+
+
+
+GEORGE DE BARNWELL
+
+BY SIR E. L. B. L., BART.
+
+
+VOL I.
+
+
+In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their
+offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, He is eternal. He has his
+Mother's ravishing smile; his Father's steadfast eyes. He rises every
+day, fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever
+young. Dark, dark were this world of ours had either Divinity left
+it--dark without the day-beams of the Latonian Charioteer, darker yet
+without the daedal Smile of the God of the Other Bow! Dost know him,
+reader?
+
+Old is he, Eros, the ever young. He and Time were children together.
+Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable. Brightest of the
+Divinities, where hast thou not been sung? Other worships pass away;
+the idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling
+and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes no longer rise
+among the quivering olive-groves of Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets
+of the amethyst Aegean! These are gone, but thou remainest. There is
+still a garland for thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah,
+many a darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless
+One, and the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries
+from the bleeding hearts of men!
+
+While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing? In Kingly
+and Heroic ages, 'twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake. But in
+these, our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The
+people To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of old did
+the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate of the crowned
+Agamemnon.
+
+Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? Fate, Passion,
+Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the Furies that
+tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us Still? are not these
+still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of his palette? the chords
+of his lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale--not of Kings--but of Men--not
+of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief, and Crime. Listen, and but once
+more. 'Tis for the last time (probably) these fingers shall sweep the
+strings.
+
+E. L. B. L.
+
+
+NOONDAY IN CHEPE.
+
+
+'Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty River City!--its banks
+wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man! The toppling
+wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded equipage
+of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger vehicle from the green
+metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of our Babylon), in which
+every traveller might, for a modest remuneration, take a republican
+seat; the mercenary caroche, with its private freight; the brisk
+curricle of the letter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet: these and a
+thousand others were laboring and pressing onward, and locked and bound
+and hustling together in the narrow channel of Chepe. The imprecations
+of the charioteers were terrible. From the noble's broidered
+hammer-cloth, or the driving-seat of the common coach, each driver
+assailed the other with floods of ribald satire. The pavid matron within
+the one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pittance)
+shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to his office (to add
+another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over the blazoned panels,
+and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his very Menials could
+not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they gayly threaded the
+Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of the scene,
+and exacerbated the already furious combatants by their poignant
+infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as he regarded the hot strife and
+struggle of these Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh
+of the Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene.
+
+'Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. The flaunting windows
+of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering panes behind
+which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to
+pause: although only noon, the savory odors of the Cook Shops tempted
+the over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to the fragrant potage
+that mocks the turtle's flavor--the turtle! O dapibus suprimi grata
+testudo Jovis! I am an Alderman when I think of thee! Well: it was noon
+in Chepe.
+
+But were all battling for gain there? Among the many brilliant shops
+whose casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century back (about
+which period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce.
+A rudely carved image of a negro, with a fantastic plume and apron of
+variegated feathers, decorated the lintel. The East and West had sent
+their contributions to replenish the window.
+
+The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of
+swarthy sugar marked “ONLY 6 1/2d.”--That catty box, on which was the
+epigraph “STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d,” was from the country of
+Confutzee--that heap of dark produce bore the legend “TRY OUR REAL
+NUT”--'Twas Cocoa--and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has refreshed
+the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher. The shop in
+question was, in a word, a Grocer's.
+
+In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to judge
+from his appearance (though 'twas a difficult task, as, in sooth, his
+back was turned), had just reached that happy period of life when the
+Boy is expanding into the Man. O Youth, Youth! Happy and Beautiful! O
+fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet lies on the flowers,
+ere they have been scorched and withered by Passion's fiery Sun!
+Immersed in thought or study, and indifferent to the din around him, sat
+the boy. A careless guardian was he of the treasures confided to him.
+The crowd passed in Chepe; he never marked it. The sun shone on Chepe;
+he only asked that it should illumine the page he read. The knave might
+filch his treasures; he was heedless of the knave. The customer might
+enter; but his book was all in all to him.
+
+And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the
+counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing at
+the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the homely and
+tightened garments he wore.
+
+“Ahem! sir! I say, young man!” the customer exclaimed.
+
+“Ton d'apameibomenos prosephe,” read on the student, his voice choked
+with emotion. “What language!” he said; “how rich, how noble, how
+sonorous! prosephe podas--”
+
+The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery, that
+the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for the first
+time remarked her. “A pretty grocer's boy you are,” she cried, “with
+your applepiebomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kept waiting
+for hever?”
+
+“Pardon, fair Maiden,” said he, with high-bred courtesy: “'twas not
+French I read, 'twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard. In
+what can I be serviceable to ye, lady?” and to spring from his desk, to
+smooth his apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no
+more, was the work of a moment.
+
+“I might have prigged this box of figs,” the damsel said good-naturedly,
+“and you'd never have turned round.”
+
+“They came from the country of Hector,” the boy said. “Would you have
+currants, lady? These once bloomed in the island gardens of the blue
+Aegean. They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is low; they're
+fourpence-halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our teas? We
+do not advertise, as some folks do: but sell as low as any other house.”
+
+“You're precious young to have all these good things,” the girl
+exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation. “If I
+was you, and stood behind the counter, I should be eating figs the whole
+day long.”
+
+“Time was,” answered the lad, “and not long since I thought so too. I
+thought I never should be tired of figs. But my old uncle bade me take
+my fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them.”
+
+“I think you gentlemen are always so,” the coquette said.
+
+“Nay, say not so, fair stranger!” the youth replied, his face kindling
+as he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire. “Figs pall; but oh! the
+Beautiful never does. Figs rot; but oh! the Truthful is eternal. I was
+born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for
+the Visionary. I stand behind the counter, it is true; but I ponder here
+upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages. What is
+grocery for one who has ambition? What sweetness hath Muscovada to him
+who hath tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true
+Real, and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination. But pardon me; with
+what may I serve thee?”
+
+“I came only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust,” the girl said, with a
+faltering voice; “but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for ever!”
+
+Only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust? Girl, thou camest for other things!
+Thou lovedst his voice? Siren! what was the witchery of thine own? He
+deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the little hand. She paid
+for her small purchase, and with a farewell glance of her lustrous eyes,
+she left him. She passed slowly through the portal, and in a moment
+was lost in the crowd. It was noon in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was
+alone.
+
+
+Vol. II.
+
+
+We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to
+anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which most
+readers are familiar.
+
+Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the tale
+is briefly thus:
+
+The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer's shop in
+Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs, half a dozen
+times in the week.
+
+She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal
+attachment.
+
+This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom swells with ambition.
+His genius breaks out prodigiously. He talks about the Good, the
+Beautiful, the Ideal, &c., in and out of all season, and is virtuous and
+eloquent almost beyond belief--in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford, or
+E. Aram, Esquires.
+
+Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in the
+world which he is destined to ornament. He outdoes all the dandies,
+all the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries of the age--an
+indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and George II.--dines
+with Curll at St. John's Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel behind
+Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the Chevalier St.
+George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and
+likewise in disguise at the shop in Cheapside.
+
+His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very little
+taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business to the
+pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble Barnwells came.
+George's cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret passion
+for him.
+
+Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant
+little chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to
+present an age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and
+correct as that in the “Last of the Barons,” or in “Eugene Aram,” or
+other works of our author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True
+and Beautiful, are united.
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+BUTTON'S IN PALL MALL.
+
+
+Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence which
+society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall Mall, and
+which, because they knock you down with their dulness, are called Clubs
+no doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James's Street, at a
+half-score of other dandies gaping from another bay-window over the way;
+those who consult a dreary evening paper for news, or satisfy themselves
+with the jokes of the miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town
+of the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some
+six or eight score years back. Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St.
+James's Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy
+suffocating waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the
+same quarter? The Brougham from which thou descendest at the portal of
+the “Carlton” or the “Travellers',” is like everybody else's; thy
+black coat has no more plaits, nor buttons, nor fancy in it than thy
+neighbor's; thy hat was made on the very block on which Lord Addlepate's
+was cast, who has just entered the Club before thee. You and he yawn
+together out of the same omnibus-box every night; you fancy yourselves
+men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves men of fashion; you fancy
+yourselves men of taste; in fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy,
+the newspaper legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes and
+your thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom--poor Pall Mall dullards.
+Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you at present occupy,
+there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some five-and-twenty
+lustres ago.
+
+We are at Button's--the well-known sign of the “Turk's Head.” The crowd
+of periwigged heads at the windows--the swearing chairmen round the
+steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the
+lofty rank of their owners),--the throng of embroidered beaux entering
+or departing, and rendering the air fragrant with the odors of pulvillio
+and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort of London's Wit and
+Fashion. It is the corner of Regent Street. Carlton House has not yet
+been taken down.
+
+A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate
+at one of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit is
+likewise embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A
+little deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the Morning Chronicle
+newspaper by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and a shovel
+hat and cassock, is talking freely with a gentleman, whose star and
+ribbon, as well as the unmistakable beauty of his Phidian countenance,
+proclaims him to be a member of Britain's aristocracy.
+
+Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the other
+with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating Race, are
+gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club,
+but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite
+dish, the muffin (then newly invented), at the desire of some of the
+revellers within.
+
+“I would, Sam,” said the wild youth to his companion, “that I had some
+of my mother Macclesfield's gold, to enable us to eat of those cates and
+mingle with yon springalds and beaux.”
+
+“To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy,” said the youth
+addressed as Sam, “might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the cheek
+of the parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life when History
+fortifies endurance: and past study renders present deprivation more
+bearable. If our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution,
+Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we desire to-day
+would little benefit us to-morrow. Poor and hungry as we are, are we
+less happy, Dick, than yon listless voluptuary who banquets on the food
+which you covet?”
+
+And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the “Parthenon”
+ Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel at a neighboring
+cook's shop. Their names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage.
+
+Meanwhile the conversation at Button's was fast and brilliant. “By
+Wood's thirteens, and the divvle go wid 'em,” cried the Church dignitary
+in the cassock, “is it in blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir
+Richard, when you ought to be in seebles?”
+
+“Who's dead, Dean?” said the nobleman, the dean's companion.
+
+“Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name's Jonathan
+Swift--and I'm not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father's
+name?--there's been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely. A child
+of Dick Steele's has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered,
+and it's Joe Addison yondther has done it. Ye should have killed one of
+your own, Joe, ye thief of the world.”
+
+“I!” said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; “I kill Dick's
+child! I was godfather to the last.”
+
+“And promised a cup and never sent it,” Dick ejaculated. Joseph looked
+grave.
+
+“The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet. What
+made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? The whole town is in tears about the
+good knight; all the ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning;
+all the booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the copies
+of the Spectator are sold since the death of the brave old gentleman.”
+ And the Dean of St. Patrick's pulled out the Spectator newspaper,
+containing the well-known passage regarding Sir Roger's death. “I bought
+it but now in 'Wellington Street,'” he said; “the newsboys were howling
+all down the Strand.”
+
+“What a miracle is Genius--Genius, the Divine and Beautiful,” said a
+gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed cavalier
+in iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in fact Mr.
+Alexander Pope. “What a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege
+of Art! To make the Ideal more credible than the Actual: to enchain
+our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets, our tears, for a mere
+brain-born Emanation: to invest with life the Incorporeal, and to
+glamour the cloudy into substance,--these are the lofty privileges of
+the Poet, if I have read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the
+sounds that rang from Homer's lyre, as with the strains which celebrate
+the loss of Belinda's lovely locks”--(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly
+delighted)--“these, I say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet--the
+Poietes--the Maker--he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot
+charm death into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty
+out of Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal. Ho! Jemmy,
+another flask of Nantz.”
+
+And the boy--for he who addressed the most brilliant company of wits in
+Europe was little more--emptied the contents of the brandy-flask into
+a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of the company
+assembled. 'Twas the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently,
+and with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee-house,
+and was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past the National Gallery.
+
+“Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe Addison himself, in
+drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the three kingdoms,”
+ Dick Steele said, good-naturedly.
+
+“His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard,” the
+Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed. “He is the author of that famous
+No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the credit.”
+
+“The rascal foiled me at capping verses,” Dean Swift said, “and won a
+tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!”
+
+“He has suggested an emendation in my 'Homer,' which proves him a
+delicate scholar,” Mr. Pope exclaimed.
+
+“He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and we
+must have an eye upon him,” said Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of
+State for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who
+was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him something.
+
+Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all the
+wits of London with admiration? His galloping charger had returned to
+the City; his splendid court-suit was doffed for the citizen's gabardine
+and grocer's humble apron.
+
+George de Barnwell was in Chepe--in Chepe, at the feet of Martha
+Millwood.
+
+
+VOL III.
+
+THE CONDEMNED CELL.
+
+
+“Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor? Nay,” George added, a
+faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, “why speak to thee in
+the accents of the Roman poet, which thou comprehendest not? Bright One,
+there be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth,
+this Heart on which thou leanest, which are equally unintelligible to
+thee! Yes, my pretty one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what
+is the Ideal but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And
+the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders
+by the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck before
+that Azure Mystery.”
+
+Emily's eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew. “Speak on, speak ever thus,
+my George,” she exclaimed. Barnwell's chains rattled as the confiding
+girl clung to him. Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed to sit with the
+Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate language, and also
+burst into tears.
+
+“You weep, my Snoggin,” the Boy said; “and why? Hath Life been so
+charming to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no
+after-Weariness? Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory no
+Mockery? Psha! I am sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine
+and Wit, and--nay, start not, my Adelaide--and Woman. I fling away all
+these things as the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul's Nursery. I am
+a Man, and pine for the Illimitable! Mark you me! Has the Morrow any
+terrors for me, think ye? Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca
+blench in his bath? Did Brutus shirk the sword when his great stake was
+lost? Did even weak Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent's fatal nip? And
+why should I? My great Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit.
+Lie sheathed in my heart, thou flashing Blade! Welcome to my Bosom, thou
+faithful Serpent; I hug thee, peace-bearing Image of the Eternal!
+Ha, the hemlock cup! Fill high, boy, for my soul is thirsty for
+the Infinite! Get ready the bath, friends; prepare me for the feast
+To-morrow--bathe my limbs in odors, and put ointment in my hair.”
+
+“Has for a bath,” Snoggin interposed, “they're not to be 'ad in this
+ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little hoil for
+your 'air.”
+
+The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. “My guardian understands
+me not, pretty one--and thou? what sayest thou? From those dear lips
+methinks--plura sunt oscula quam sententiae--I kiss away thy tears,
+dove!--they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will dry, and
+presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they have beamed on
+poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not all forget him, sweet one. He
+was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for all the world said--”
+
+“That, that he had,” cried the gaoler and the girl in voices gurgling
+with emotion. And you who read! you unconvicted Convict--you murderer,
+though haply you have slain no one--you Felon in posse if not in
+esse--deal gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has failed
+thee--and believe that the Truthful and the Beautiful bloom sometimes in
+the dock and the convict's tawny Gabardine!
+
+*****
+
+In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought to
+acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. “It may be an error of
+judgment,” he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol, “but it is no
+crime. Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no remorse,
+Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry: therefore, I am innocent. Is the
+proposition a fair one?”
+
+The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested.
+
+“And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow,” the Boy resumed, “for
+ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was dross,
+and who never had a feeling for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I
+stood before my uncle in the moonlight, in the gardens of the ancestral
+halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that it was the Nemesis come to
+overthrow him. 'Dog,' I said to the trembling slave, 'tell me where
+thy Gold is. THOU hast no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the
+Poverty on which thou tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest
+not; in uplifting Art, to which thou art blind. Give Gold, and thou art
+free.' But he spake not, and I slew him.”
+
+“I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated,” said the
+admirable chaplain, “for its general practice might chance to do harm.
+Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and Beloved, the
+Poet and Sage, urged by what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast
+appeared as Avenger. Think what would be the world's condition, were men
+without any Yearning after the Ideal to attempt to reorganize Society,
+to redistribute Property, to avenge Wrong.”
+
+“A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven,” said the noble though misguided
+young Prisoner. “Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell.”
+
+“Yes, indeed, my brave youth!” the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed,
+clasping the Prisoner's marble and manacled hand; “and the Tragedy of
+To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted
+even to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal and the
+Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Real likewise.”
+
+“Look! here is supper!” cried Barnwell gayly. “This is the Real, Doctor;
+let us respect it and fall to.” He partook of the meal as joyously as
+if it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could
+scarcely eat it for tears.
+
+     * This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is
+     expressed much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of
+     Eugene Aram:--“The burning desires I have known--the
+     resplendent visions I have nursed--the sublime aspirings
+     that have lifted me so often from sense and clay: these tell
+     me, that whether for good or ill, I am the thing of an
+     immortality and the creature of a God. . . .  I have
+     destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by
+     which he afflicted society, I have been the means of
+     blessing many.”
+
+
+
+
+CODLINGSBY.
+
+BY D. SHREWSBERRY, ESQ.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+“The whole world is bound by one chain. In every city in the globe
+there is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize from
+its likeness to its brother district in all other places where are
+congregated the habitations of men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or
+New York, or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where a
+certain man is not a stranger. Where the idols are fed with incense by
+the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the minarets soar sparkling above
+the cypresses, their reflections quivering in the lucid waters of the
+Golden Horn; where the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and over
+imperial glories; where the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the
+palm-trees; where the Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its
+bridges, its graceful factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes--hidden in
+fog and smoke by the dirtiest river in the world--in all the cities of
+mankind there is One Home whither men of one family may resort. Over the
+entire world spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering, silent, scattered,
+sympathizing, WAITING--an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread
+band was an Arabian clan--a little nation alone and outlying amongst the
+mighty monarchies of ancient time, the Megatheria of history. The sails
+of their rare ships might be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of
+their caravans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the
+date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in
+many wars, against mighty odds; but 'twas a small people, and on one
+dark night the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian's Eagles, and in
+flame, and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . . Yes,
+the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken the world
+in exchange?”
+
+Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he debouched
+from Wych Street into the Strand. He had been to take a box for Armida
+at Madame Vestris's theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame
+Vestris's theatre; and her little brougham, and her little self, and
+her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her miraculous
+bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty guineas every evening at
+Nathan's in Covent Garden (the children of the gardeners of Sharon have
+still no rival for flowers), might be seen, three nights in the week at
+least, in the narrow, charming, comfortable little theatre. Godfrey had
+the box. He was strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts
+passed through the young noble's mind as he came in sight of Holywell
+Street.
+
+The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in
+the evening sunshine. Children were playing on the steps. Fathers were
+smoking at the lintel. Smiling faces looked out from the various and
+darkling draperies with which the warehouses were hung. Ringlets glossy,
+and curly, and jetty--eyes black as night--midsummer night--when it
+lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks of eagles--eager quivering
+nostrils--lips curved like the bow of Love--every man or maiden, every
+babe or matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one or more
+of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race.
+
+“How beautiful they are!” mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these placid
+groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset.
+
+“D'you vant to look at a nishe coat?” a voice said, which made him
+start; and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of
+Stultz's with a familiarity which would have made the baron tremble.
+
+“Rafael Mendoza!” exclaimed Godfrey.
+
+“The same, Lord Codlingsby,” the individual so apostrophized replied. “I
+told you we should meet again where you would little expect me. Will it
+please you to enter? this is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices
+my heart to welcome you home.” So saying Rafael laid his hand on his
+breast, and bowed, an oriental reverence. All traces of the accent with
+which he first addressed Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise;
+half the Hebrew's life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, since
+the Norman boors persecuted him.
+
+They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies, greasy
+spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and hideous as the
+entrance was foul. “THIS your home, Rafael?” said Lord Codlingsby.
+
+“Why not?” Rafael answered. “I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein; the
+Rhine bores me after a while. It is too hot for Florence; besides they
+have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place smells of putty.
+You wouldn't have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in
+Normandy, out of the hunting season? The Rugantino Palace stupefies me.
+Those Titians are so gloomy, I shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I
+think, from my house at the Hague hung over them.”
+
+“How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you,
+Rafael?” Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing.
+
+“This is one,” Rafael answered. “Come in.”
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming sullenly
+over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary's was clanging with alarm; St.
+Giles's tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, flights of brickbats,
+stones shivering windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened
+females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the enemy from
+Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed that the battle was at its
+height.
+
+In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the cuirassiers
+would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that infuriate mob. In
+France they would have brought down artillery, and played on it with
+twenty-four pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance--it was
+a Town and Gown row.
+
+The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout
+Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the Brazenose
+light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words arose regarding
+the dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the boats pulled
+back to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance between the Townsmen and
+the University youths--their invariable opponents--grew louder and more
+violent, until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmishing
+took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the University gate
+down to the broad and shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of
+Balliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young
+sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar
+of the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful
+butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great
+University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the
+combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection.
+
+During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a
+narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a hundred
+yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have a good view
+of that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few rapid
+strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong ahead; then he
+would wait, surveying the race, and sending up volumes of odor from his
+cool narghilly.
+
+“Who is he?” asked the crowds who panted along the shore, encouraging,
+according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the oarsmen in the race.
+Town and Gown alike asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking,
+in a barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a skill so
+prodigious, beat their best men. No answer could be given to the query,
+save that a gentleman in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six
+fourgons and a courier, had arrived the day before at the “Hoop Inn,”
+ opposite Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the
+individual in question.
+
+No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any
+that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman. That
+boat--slim, shining, and shooting through the water like a pike after
+a small fish--was a caique from Tophana; it had distanced the Sultan's
+oarsmen and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus; it
+was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The
+Bashee had refused fifty thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the
+Russian Ambassador, for that little marvel. When his head was taken off,
+the Father of Believers presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza.
+
+It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the battle
+of Nezeeb. By sending three millions of piastres to the Seraskier; by
+bribing Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in the camp of the
+victorious Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped--the
+menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin; the Marchioness of
+Stokepogis, our ambassador's lady, appeared in a suite of diamonds which
+outblazed even the Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the
+little caique. He never travelled without it. It was scarcely heavier
+than an arm-chair. Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the
+Cam that morning, and Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have
+mentioned.
+
+The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed,
+full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown was angry, the Town, too,
+was on the alert. From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from
+wharf and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the enemy, and their
+battle was soon general. From the Addenbrook's hospital to the Blenheim
+turnpike, all Cambridge was in an uproar--the college gates closed--the
+shops barricaded--the shop-boys away in support of their brother
+townsmen--the battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight.
+
+A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at his
+inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university cooks to
+entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water formed his
+meal. In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the
+slighted banquet. “A breakfast! psha!” said he. “My good man, I have
+nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from four hundred a year. I can have
+a dinner at any hour; but a Town and Gown row” (a brickbat here flying
+through the window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza's hand)--“a
+Town and Gown row is a novelty to me. The Town has the best of it,
+clearly, though: the men outnumber the lads. Ha, a good blow! How that
+tall townsman went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet
+trencher cap.”
+
+“That is the Lord Codlingsby,” the landlord said.
+
+“A light weight, but a pretty fighter,” Mendoza remarked. “Well hit with
+your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby; claret drawn,
+by Jupiter!”
+
+“Ours is werry fine,” the landlord said. “Will your Highness have
+Chateau Margaux or Lafitte?”
+
+“He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!” Rafael
+exclaimed, as an enormous boatman--no other than Rullock--indeed, the
+most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose fists the Gownsmen
+went down like ninepins--fought his way up to the spot where, with
+admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and one or two of his
+friends were making head against a number of the town.
+
+The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his race,
+but was no match for the enemy's strength and weight and sinew, and
+went down at every round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. His
+savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal combat from the
+inn-window. “Hold your hand!” he cried to this Goliath; “don't you see
+he's but a boy?”
+
+“Down he goes again!” the bargeman cried, not heeding the interruption.
+“Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!”
+
+“Coward!” shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a shower
+of brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one of the
+pillars to the ground, was an instant's work.
+
+At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman.
+
+*****
+
+After the coroner's inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to each of
+the bargeman's ten children, and it was thus his first acquaintance was
+formed with Lord Codlingsby.
+
+But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell Street.
+Let us go in.
+
+
+III.
+
+
+Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of the
+old mansion in Holywell Street. It was a masquerade warehouse to all
+appearance. A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing at the dark
+and grimy counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow hoots, old
+stage mantles, painted masks, blind and yet gazing at you with a look of
+sad death-like intelligence from the vacancy behind their sockets.
+
+A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny and
+silver, slashed with dirty light blue. He was going to a masquerade that
+night. He thought Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress--Polly
+Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work--the Borough Venus, adored by
+half the youth of Guy's.
+
+“You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint,” pretty Rachel said, coaxing
+him with her beady black eyes.
+
+“It IS the cheese,” replied Mr. Lint; “it ain't the dress that don't
+suit, my rose of Sharon; it's the FIGURE. Hullo, Rafael, is that you,
+my lad of sealing-wax? Come and intercede for me with this wild gazelle;
+she says I can't have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it's too
+much: cuss me if it's not too much, unless you'll take my little bill at
+two months, Rafael.”
+
+“There's a sweet pretty brigand's dress you may have for half de
+monish,” Rafael replied; “there's a splendid clown for eight bob; but
+for dat Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve'd ask a guinea
+of any but you. Here's a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look 'ear,
+Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat?” So saying, Rafael
+turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost gravity, and displayed to him
+the garment about which the young medicus was haggling.
+
+“Cheap at the money,” Codlingsby replied; “if you won't make up your
+mind, sir, I should like to engage it myself.” But the thought that
+another should appear before Polly Pattens in that costume was too much
+for Mr. Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment.
+And Rafael, pocketing the money with perfect simplicity, said, “Dis vay,
+Mr. Brownsh: dere's someting vill shoot you in the next shop.”
+
+Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering.
+
+“You are surprised at our system,” said Rafael, marking the evident
+bewilderment of his friend. “Confess you would call it meanness--my
+huckstering with yonder young fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away
+a shilling without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four men's
+bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers by holding them out relief
+in their necessity? It is you who are mean--you Normans--not we of the
+ancient race. You have your vulgar measurement for great things and
+small. You call a thousand pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable.
+Psha, my Codlingsby! One is as the other. I trade in pennies and in
+millions. I am above or below neither.”
+
+They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of cedar,
+and, in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the young
+Hebrews are in the habit of vending through the streets. “I have sold
+bundles and bundles of these,” said Rafael. “My little brother is now
+out with oranges in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be head of our
+house at Amsterdam. We all do it. I had myself to see Rothschild in
+Eaton Place this morning, about the Irish loan, of which I have taken
+three millions: and as I wanted to walk, I carried the bag.
+
+“You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the Archbishop
+of Croydon's daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet's, Knightsbridge,
+and as she fancied she recognized in the man who was crying old clothes
+the gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de St. Aulair's the
+night before.” Something like a blush flushed over the pale features of
+Mendoza as he mentioned the Lady Lauda's name. “Come on,” said he. They
+passed through various warehouses--the orange room, the sealing-wax
+room, the six-bladed knife department, and finally came to an old baize
+door. Rafael opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they
+were in a black passage, with a curtain at the end.
+
+He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew back,
+and a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his visitor.
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+
+They entered a moderate-sized apartment--indeed, Holywell Street is not
+above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than half that
+length--it was fitted up with the simple taste of its owner.
+
+The carpet was of white velvet--(laid over several webs of Aubusson,
+Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it trod
+upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed you)--of
+white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by
+Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and Paul Delaroche.
+The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and fringed with Valenciennes
+lace and bullion. The walls were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered
+with gold figures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses,
+and passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The drops of dew
+which the artificer had sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds. The
+hangings were overhung by pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the
+gorgeous, Titian the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of
+Painting), some of Murillo's beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you
+out of darkness like a star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and
+fifty of the master-pieces of the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial
+genius of Urbino, covered the walls of the little chamber. Divans of
+carved amber covered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst
+was a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double-distilled
+otto of roses.
+
+“Pipes, Goliath!” Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver
+collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); “and welcome
+to our snuggery, my Codlingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of
+the house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I'm proud of my pictures.
+That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a gift to our father from my
+cousin, Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie
+Antoinette before the flight to Varennes--the poor lady could not
+redeem the pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us. As for the
+Rafael, I suppose you are aware that he was one of our people. But what
+are you gazing at? Oh! my sister--I forgot. Miriam! this is the Lord
+Codlingsby.”
+
+She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl
+music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz. She rose when thus apostrophized.
+Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger.
+
+The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives--Zillah the dark beauty;
+Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva
+were golden. The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were morning.
+Codlingsby was fair--of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa--they
+called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much fairer was Miriam the
+Hebrew!
+
+Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the delight
+of all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at. It was of
+burning auburn. Meandering over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand
+minute ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue velvet
+fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued at two hundred thousand
+tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant Vicovich, who had received it from
+Dost Mahomed), with a simple bird of paradise, formed her head-gear. A
+sea-green cymar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded
+arms to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over
+a yellow satin frock. Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and
+slippers of the same color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but
+so covered with pearls that the original hue of the charming little
+papoosh disappeared entirely) completed her costume. She had three
+necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess--her fingers
+glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and priceless bracelets,
+bangles, and armlets wound round an arm that was whiter than the ivory
+grand piano on which it leaned.
+
+As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the solemn
+welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the brightness of
+her beauty. It was well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to
+consciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recognition, he sank
+upon a sandalwood settee, as Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic
+coffee in cups of opal, and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the
+fragrant Gibelly.
+
+“My lord's pipe is out,” said Miriam with a smile, remarking the
+bewilderment of her guest--who in truth forgot to smoke--and taking up
+a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it at
+the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk of Lord
+Codlingsby.
+
+
+IV.
+
+
+When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a signal
+from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of the ivory
+piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he were listening
+at the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny Lind.
+
+“Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of
+Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or Lewis
+or Lyons or Lion. The beautiful and the brave alike give cognizances
+to the ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or
+Rodgers,” Rafael observed to his friend; and, drawing the instrument
+from his pocket, he accompanied his sister, in the most ravishing
+manner, on a little gold and jewelled harp, of the kind peculiar to his
+nation.
+
+All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by composers
+of her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca by Braham, a
+delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on
+the strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the
+heart; but she sang no other than the songs of her nation.
+
+“Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always,” Codlingsby thought. “I
+could sit at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that
+Paradise-birds were singing in the boughs.”
+
+Rafael read his thoughts. “We have Saxon blood too in our veins,”
+ he said. “You smile! but it is even so. An ancestress of ours made
+a mesalliance in the reign of your King John. Her name was Rebecca,
+daughter of Isaac of York, and she married in Spain, whither she had
+fled to the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe; then a
+widower by the demise of his first lady, Rowena. The match was deemed a
+cruel insult amongst our people but Wilfred conformed, and was a Rabbi
+of some note at the synagogue of Cordova. We are descended from him
+lineally. It is the only blot upon the escutcheon of the Mendozas.”
+
+As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having
+retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the soul
+of the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers from the
+outer apartments came in to transact business with him.
+
+First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers to
+sign. “How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is your
+son tired of his yacht yet?” Mendoza asked. “That is my twenty-fourth
+cashier,” said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went
+away. “He is fond of display, and all my people may have what money they
+like.”
+
+Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his mortgage. The
+Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a haughty air, shrank
+back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding the magnificence around
+him. “Little Mordecai,” said Rafael to a little orange-boy, who came in
+at the heels of the noble, “take this gentleman out and let him have ten
+thousand pounds. I can't do more for you, my lord, than this--I'm busy.
+Good-by!” And Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking his
+narghilly.
+
+A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache, came
+next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily upon his
+high-heeled boots. “Tell your master that he shall have two millions
+more, but not another shilling,” Rafael said. “That story about the
+five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all bosh. They
+won't believe it in Europe. You understand me, Count Grogomoffski?”
+
+“But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the knout
+unless--”
+
+“Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court,” said
+Mendoza good-naturedly. “Leave me at peace, Count: don't you see it is
+Friday, and almost sunset?” The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left
+an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him.
+
+An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping
+bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new loan
+for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid colloquy in
+his own language, was dismissed by Rafael.
+
+“The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be disposed
+of,” Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from Spain, General
+the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him. “Which shall it be, my Codlingsby?”
+ Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer--for indeed he was amazed to
+find all the affairs of the world represented here, and Holywell Street
+the centre of Europe--when three knocks of a peculiar nature were heard,
+and Mendoza starting up, said, “Ha! there are only four men in the world
+who know that signal.” At once, and with a reverence quite distinct from
+his former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer.
+
+He was an old man--an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race--the
+light of his eyes was unfathomable--about his mouth there played an
+inscrutable smile. He had a cotton umbrella, and old trousers, and old
+boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear.
+
+He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made him
+the lowest reverence.
+
+“I am tired,” says he; “I have come in fifteen hours. I am ill at
+Neuilly,” he added with a grin. “Get me some eau sucree, and tell me the
+news, Prince de Mendoza. These bread rows; this unpopularity of Guizot;
+this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and
+daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against Coletti, makes me quite
+ill. Give me your opinion, my dear duke. But ha! whom have we here?”
+
+The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language
+to address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have pleaded
+ignorance of that tongue. But he had been at Cambridge, where all the
+youth acquire it perfectly.
+
+“SIRE,” said he, “I will not disguise from you that I know the ancient
+tongue in which you speak. There are probably secrets between Mendoza
+and your Maj--”
+
+“Hush!” said Rafael, leading him from the room. “Au revoir, dear
+Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of US,” he whispered at the door; “so is
+the Pope of Rome; so is . . .”--a whisper concealed the rest.
+
+“Gracious powers! is it so?” said Codlingsby, musing. He entered into
+Holywell Street. The sun was sinking.
+
+“It is time,” said he, “to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic.”
+
+
+
+
+PHIL FOGARTY.
+
+A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH.
+
+BY HARRY ROLLICKER.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+The gabion was ours. After two hours' fighting we were in possession of
+the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable as circumstances
+would admit. Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and
+myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our servants laid out a hasty
+supper on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had escaped me so provokingly
+after I cut him down, his spoils were mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna
+sausage were found in the Marshal's holsters; and in the haversack of a
+French private who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread,
+his three days' ration. Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may
+be sure, wherever the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him
+in his instrument-case. We sat down and made a soldier's supper. The
+Doctor pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees growing
+near (and round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had made a
+desperate rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere's helmet.
+
+“'Faith, it never had so much wit in it before,” said the Doctor, as he
+ladled out the drink. We all roared with laughing, except the guardsman,
+who was as savage as a Turk at a christening.
+
+“Buvez-en,” said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; “ca vous fera
+du bien, mon vieux coq!” and the Colonel, whose wound had been just
+dressed, eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with a
+health to the donors.
+
+How strange are the chances of war! But half an hour before he and
+I were engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my
+conqueror. Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his horse, and
+was about to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was parried
+by my sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the next instant at my
+throat--I was on the ground--my prisoner had escaped, and a gigantic
+warrior in the uniform of a colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring
+over me with pointed sword.
+
+“Rends-toi, coquin!” said he.
+
+“Allez an Diable!” said I: “a Fogarty never surrenders.”
+
+I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in
+Killaloo--I felt the tip of his blade between my teeth--I breathed a
+prayer, and shut my eyes--when the tables were turned--the butt-end of
+Lanty Clancy's musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held
+it.
+
+“Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish,” said the French officer, with a curse in
+the purest Irish. It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough to bid
+Lanty hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have brained my
+gallant adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as what
+gallant hearts are not?
+
+The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we
+sat down to make the most of our time. The rogue of a Doctor took the
+liver-wing for his share--we gave the other to our guest, a prisoner;
+those scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs--and,
+'faith, poor I was put off with the Pope's nose and a bit of the back.
+
+“How d'ye like his Holiness's FAYTURE?” said Jerry Blake.
+
+“Anyhow you'll have a MERRY THOUGHT,” cried the incorrigible Doctor, and
+all the party shrieked at the witticism.
+
+“De mortuis nil nisi bonum,” said Jack, holding up the drumstick clean.
+
+“'Faith, there's not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED, anyhow,”
+ said I; “come, boys, let's have a song.”
+
+“Here goes,” said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his own
+composition--
+
+     “Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill,
+     And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill,
+     Was once Tommy Tosspot's, as jovial a sot,
+     As e'er drew a spigot, or drain'd a full pot--
+     In drinking all round 'twas his joy to surpass,
+     And with all merry tipplers he swigg'd off his glass.
+
+     “One morning in summer, while seated so snug,
+     In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug,
+     Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear,
+     And said, 'Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;'
+     We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can,
+     From which let us drink to the health of my Nan.”
+
+“Psha!” said the Doctor, “I've heard that song before; here's a new one
+for you, boys!” and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice--
+
+          “You've all heard of Larry O'Toole,
+           Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole;
+                He had but one eye,
+                To ogle ye by--
+           Oh, murther, but that was a jew'l!
+                A fool
+           He made of de girls, dis O'Toole.
+
+          “'Twas he was the boy didn't fail,
+           That tuck down pataties and mail;
+                He never would shrink
+                From any sthrong dthrink,
+           Was it whisky or Drogheda ale;
+                I'm bail
+           This Larry would swallow a pail.
+
+          “Oh, many a night at the bowl,
+           With Larry I've sot cheek by jowl;
+               He's gone to his rest,
+                Where there's dthrink of the best,
+           And so let us give his old sowl
+                A howl,
+           For twas he made the noggin to rowl.”
+
+I observed the French Colonel's eye glistened as he heard these
+well-known accents of his country but we were too well-bred to pretend
+to remark his emotion.
+
+The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were finished, and
+each began to look out with some anxiety for the preconcerted signal,
+the rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian's quarters, which was to announce
+the recommencement of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her
+silver splendor, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to the earth at
+the feet of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts
+at the head of the storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns
+in position opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by
+a tremendous canonnade from the fort.
+
+“Who's going to dance?” said the Doctor: “the ball's begun. Ha! there
+goes poor Jack Delamere's head off! The ball chose a soft one, anyhow.
+Come here, Tim, till I mend your leg. Your wife has need only knit half
+as many stockings next year, Doolan my boy. Faix! there goes a big one
+had wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad! it has snuffed the feather off
+my cocked hat!”
+
+In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail, the
+undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty. That he had
+a feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more so than
+Philip Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war.
+
+Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the
+Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little. “Be cool,
+boys,” I said; “it will be hot enough work for you ere long.” The
+honest fellows answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our
+prisoner.
+
+“Countryman,” said I, “I know you; but an Irishman was never a traitor.”
+
+“Taisez-vous!” said he, putting his finger to his lip. “C'est la
+fortune de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the Marquis d'
+O'Mahony, and I may render you the hospitality which your tyrannous laws
+prevent me from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race.”
+
+I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye. It was,
+then, the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a Marquis by
+Napoleon on the field of Austerlitz!
+
+“Marquis,” said I, “the country which disowns you is proud of you;
+but--ha! here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance.” And in
+fact, Captain Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot, asked for
+the commander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in readiness
+to move as soon as the flank companies of the Ninety-ninth, and
+Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade of the German Legion began to
+advance up the echelon. The devoted band soon arrived; Jack Bowser
+heading the Ninety-ninth (when was he away and a storming-party to the
+fore?), and the gallant Potztausend, with his Hanoverian veterans.
+
+The second rocket flew up.
+
+“Forward, Onety-oneth!” cried I, in a voice of thunder. “Killaloo boys,
+follow your captain!” and with a shrill hurray, that sounded above the
+tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep; Bowser with the
+brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up with
+us. We passed the demilune, we passed the culverin, bayoneting the
+artillerymen at their guns; we advanced across the two tremendous
+demilunes which flank the counterscarp, and prepared for the final
+spring upon the citadel. Soult I could see quite pale on the wall; and
+the scoundrel Cambaceres, who had been so nearly my prisoner that day,
+trembled as he cheered his men. “On, boys, on!” I hoarsely exclaimed.
+“Hurroo!” said the fighting Onety-oneth.
+
+But there was a movement among the enemy. An officer, glittering with
+orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to the wall,
+and I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat.
+
+“We are hardly pressed, methinks,” Napoleon said sternly. “I must
+exercise my old trade as an artilleryman;” and Murat loaded, and the
+Emperor pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that had not
+been silenced by our fire.
+
+“Hurray, Killaloo boys!” shouted I. The next moment a sensation of
+numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the rampart.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+“Hush!” said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis d'
+O'Mahony. “Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you. For six weeks
+those are the only sane words I have heard from you.”
+
+“Faix, and 'tis thrue for you, Colonel dear,” cried another voice, with
+which I was even more familiar; 'twas that of my honest and gallant
+Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at his master's
+recovery.
+
+“O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day intirely,
+when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't write, to
+the lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; and 'tis his
+Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the letther!
+Six weeks ravin' and roarin' as bould as a lion, and as mad as Mick
+Malony's pig, that mistuck Mick's wig for a cabbage, and died of atin'
+it!”
+
+“And have I then lost my senses?” I exclaimed feebly.
+
+“Sure, didn't ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday,
+and catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora's jet-black
+ringlets?” Lanty cried.
+
+At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young creature
+I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of the bed, and
+sailed out of the room.
+
+“Confusion, you blundering rogue,” I cried; “who is that lovely lady
+whom you frightened away by your impertinence? Donna Anna? Where am I?”
+
+“You are in good hands, Philip,” said the Colonel; “you are at my house
+in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military Governor. You
+and Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do
+not be ashamed: 'twas the Emperor pointed the gun;” and the Colonel took
+off his hat as he mentioned the name darling to France. “When our troops
+returned from the sally in which your gallant storming party was driven
+back, you were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the
+City. Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but,
+unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved
+my life in '98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris.”
+
+“And many's the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther Phil,”
+ said Clancy.
+
+“Brought you to Paris,” resumed the Colonel, smiling; “where, by the
+soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you have been
+restored to health, thank heaven!”
+
+“And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?” I cried.
+
+“That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a descendant
+of the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses, Madame la
+Marechale de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria.”
+
+“Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?” I cried.
+
+“Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?” the Colonel replied. “C'est
+la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and take this
+potion which Blanche has prepared for you.”
+
+I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had compounded
+it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for I sank into a
+cool and refreshing slumber.
+
+From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of
+youth's happy time. Blanche--the enchanting Blanche--ministered
+henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily hand.
+And what were the effects? 'Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was
+over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for Baron Larrey, and
+Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to the right-about. In a short
+time I was in a situation to do justice to the gigot aux navets, the
+boeuf aux cornichons, and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis's
+board, with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen who
+frequented it.
+
+“Wait till he's quite well, Miss,” said Lanty, who waited always behind
+me. “'Faith! when he's in health, I'd back him to ate a cow, barrin' the
+horns and teel.” I sent a decanter at the rogue's head, by way of answer
+to his impertinence.
+
+Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole
+withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot of
+prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis's interest with the Emperor prevailed,
+and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners, at the
+Colonel's hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity (an
+opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fellow with the
+accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of mixing with the elite of
+French society, and meeting with many of the great, the beautiful,
+and the brave. Talleyrand was a frequent guest of the Marquis's. His
+bon-mots used to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his chop
+with us; Murat, when in town, constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and
+friendly round game. Alas! who would have thought those two gallant
+heads would be so soon laid low? My wife has a pair of earrings which
+the latter, who always wore them, presented to her--but we are advancing
+matters. Anybody could see, “avec un demioeil,” as the Prince of
+Benevento remarked, how affairs went between me and Blanche; but though
+she loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his person, the
+brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs upon her.
+
+I recollect it was on St. Patrick's Day. My lovely friend had procured,
+from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved
+a thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired
+woman, between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of shamrock
+wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris were invited
+to the national festival.
+
+I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline Bonaparte
+and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of sets with
+Madame Recamier; and Robespierre's widow--an excellent, gentle creature,
+quite unlike her husband--stood up with the Austrian ambassador.
+Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and Nicholas Poussin, and
+Canova, who was in town making a statue of the Emperor for Leo X., and,
+in a word, all the celebrities of Paris--as my gifted countrywoman, the
+wild Irish girl, calls them--were assembled in the Marquis's elegant
+receiving-rooms.
+
+At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise! La Gigue
+Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the Parisians ever
+since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward
+and took me for a partner, and amidst the bravoes of the crowd, in
+which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram, and the Austrian
+ambassador, we showed to the beau monde of the French capital, I flatter
+myself, a not unfavorable specimen of the dance of our country.
+
+As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the
+“rail” style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, “Be on your
+guard; I see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about
+us; and when Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good.”
+
+“Cambaceres is jealous,” said I. “I have it,” says she; “I'll make him
+dance a turn with me.” So, presently, as the music was going like mad
+all this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds, and sat down.
+The lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Cambaceres as a
+second partner.
+
+The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give himself
+a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was speedily visible.
+He puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops trickled down his purple
+face, while my lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble
+quick, till she fairly danced him down.
+
+“Who'll take the flure with me?” said the charming girl, animated by the
+sport.
+
+“Faix, den, 'tis I, Lanty Clancy!” cried my rascal, who had been mad
+with excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and a
+hurroo, he began to dance with such rapidity as made all present stare.
+
+As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid cavalcade
+traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the Marquis's door. A
+crowd appeared to mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room
+were flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties the Emperor and
+the Empress. So engaged were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard
+the tumult occasioned by the august approach.
+
+It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre Francais, and
+seeing the Marquis's windows lighted up, proposed to the Empress to drop
+in on the party. He made signs to the musicians to continue: and the
+conqueror of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the simple
+evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Empress smiled and,
+seeing this, all the courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were
+delighted.
+
+“Is not this a great day for Ireland?” said the Marquis, with a tear
+trickling down his noble face. “O Ireland! O my country! But no more of
+that. Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch
+or negus.”
+
+Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was
+Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine by her
+former marriage with a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack
+of the old blood in him, Eugene's manners were much more refined than
+those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the Emperor's Court, where (for
+my knife and fork were regularly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my
+poor friend Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the
+gallant Massena devour pease by means of his knife, in a way more
+innocent than graceful. Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at
+these eccentricities of our brave friends; who certainly did not shine
+in the drawing-room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle.
+The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and was full of
+kindness and attention.
+
+“I like Eugene,” he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as his
+way was--“I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows as you;
+you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the camp have
+none. And I like you, Philip my boy,” he added, “for being so attentive
+to my poor wife--the Empress Josephine, I mean.” All these honors made
+my friends at the Marquis's very proud, and my enemies at Court crever
+with envy. Among these, the atrocious Cambaceres was not the least
+active and envenomed.
+
+The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which, like
+a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal amiability,
+soon was apparent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from my
+conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the war, the Emperor
+was most anxious to attach me to his service. The Grand Cross of St.
+Louis, the title of Count, the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the
+l4me Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered to me;
+and must I say it? Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one
+of the agents employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason.
+
+“Object to enter a foreign service!” she said, in reply to my refusal.
+“It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service. The Irish nation is in
+exile, and in the territories of its French allies. Irish traitors are
+not here; they march alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom
+the great Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but for
+the fatal valor of Irish mercenaries! Accept this offer, and my heart,
+my hand, my all are yours. Refuse it, Philip, and we part.”
+
+“To wed the abominable Cambaceres!” I cried, stung with rage. “To wear
+a duchess's coronet, Blanche! Ha, ha! Mushrooms, instead of
+strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French
+nobility. I shall withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison--to
+be exchanged--to die--anything rather than be a traitor, and the tool of
+a traitress!” Taking up my hat, I left the room in a fury; and flinging
+open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was listening at the
+key-hole, and must have overheard every word of our conversation.
+
+We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter at
+our mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only made me more mad; and, having
+spurs on, I began digging them into Cambaceres' fat sides as we rolled
+on the carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and anger.
+
+“This insult must be avenged with blood!” roared the Duke of Illyria.
+
+“I have already drawn it,” says I, “with my spurs.”
+
+“Malheur et malediction!” roared the Marshal.
+
+“Hadn't you better settle your wig?” says I, offering it to him on the
+tip of my cane, “and we'll arrange time and place when you have put your
+jasey in order.” I shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast
+at me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his mistress.
+
+“Lady Blanche,” I continued bitterly, “as you look to share the Duke's
+coronet, hadn't you better see to his wig?” and so saying, I cocked my
+hat, and walked out of the Marquis's place, whistling “Garryowen.”
+
+I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him in
+the Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was looking
+at the picture-shop in the corner. I explained to him my affair in a
+twinkling. He at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended
+me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had been made
+to me. “I knew it would be so,” he said, kindly; “I told my father you
+wouldn't. A man with the blood of the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn't
+wheel about like those fellows of yesterday.” So, when Cambaceres came
+out, which he did presently, with a more furious air than before, I
+handed him at once over to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and
+an early hour for the meeting to take place.
+
+“Can you make it before eleven, Phil?” said Beauharnais. “The Emperor
+reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour, and we might
+fight there handy before the review.”
+
+“Done!” said I. “I want of all things to see the newly-arrived Saxon
+cavalry manoeuvre:” on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as much as
+to say, “See sights! Watch cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and
+take measure for a coffin, my boy!” walked away, naming our mutual
+acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in the business.
+
+I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of
+Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at Salamanca,
+with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top of him. Bugaboo
+was too much and too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though
+a showy horseman, was a bad rider across country; and I got the horse
+for a song. A wickeder and uglier brute never wore pig-skin; and I never
+put my leg over such a timber-jumper in my life. I rode the horse down
+to the Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres
+was to come off, and Lanty held him as I went in, “sure to win,” as they
+say in the ring.
+
+Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I, who
+am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and that I
+could wing him if I had a mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both
+fired: I felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up my hand there,
+found a large piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at the same moment, and
+shrieking a horrible malediction, my adversary reeled and fell.
+
+“Mon Dieu, il est mort!” cried Ney.
+
+“Pas de tout,” said Beauharnais. “Ecoute; il jure toujours.”
+
+And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the ground
+cursing most frightfully. We went up to him: he was blind with the
+loss of blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He
+recovered; but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto in the
+French army, afterwards. The surgeon in attendance having taken charge
+of this unfortunate warrior, we rode off to the review where Ney and
+Eugene were on duty at the head of their respective divisions; and
+where, by the way, Cambaceres, as the French say, “se faisait desirer.”
+
+It was arranged that Cambaceres' division of six battalions and
+nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement, supported
+by artillery in the intervals, and converging by different epaulements
+on the light infantry, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line.
+It was by this famous manoeuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte, at
+Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and
+General Castanos were defeated with such victorious slaughter: but it
+is a movement which, I need not tell every military man, requires the
+greatest delicacy of execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army
+into confusion.
+
+“Where is the Duke of Illyria?” Napoleon asked. “At the head of his
+division, no doubt,” said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an arch
+look, put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall off my
+horse with laughter. Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at this moment
+the troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began, and his
+Majesty's attention was taken off from my impudence.
+
+Milhaud's Dragoons, their bands playing “Vive Henri Quatre,” their
+cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre from the
+left flank in the most brilliant order, while the Carbineers of Foy, and
+the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet d'Erlon, executed a carambolade
+on the right, with the precision which became those veteran troops; but
+the Chasseurs of the young guard, marching by twos instead of threes,
+bore consequently upon the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and
+ill-affected body), and then, falling back in disorder, became entangled
+with the artillery and the left centre of the line, and in one instant
+thirty thousand men were in inextricable confusion.
+
+“Clubbed, by Jabers!” roared out Lanty Clancy. “I wish we could show 'em
+the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling.”
+
+“Silence, fellow!” I exclaimed. I never saw the face of man express
+passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of Napoleon. He tore
+off General Milhaud's epaulettes, which he flung into Foy's face. He
+glared about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for the Duke
+of Illyria. “He is wounded, Sire,” said General Foy, wiping a tear from
+his eye, which was blackened by the force of the blow; “he was wounded
+an hour since in a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de
+Fogarty.”
+
+“Wounded! a marshal of France wounded! Where is the Englishman? Bring
+him out, and let a file of grenadiers--”
+
+“Sire!” interposed Eugene.
+
+“Let him be shot!” shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me with
+the fury of a fiend.
+
+This was too much. “Here goes!” said I, and rode slap at him.
+
+There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and
+I should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in an
+instant. But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had only
+wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty
+from this discharge.
+
+Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor's head, and Bugaboo went at
+it like a shot. He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned quite
+pale as I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely
+brushing the cockade which he wore.
+
+“Bravo!” said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap.
+
+“Cut him down!” said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic
+Cuirassier; and he made a pass at me with his sword. But he little knew
+an Irishman on an Irish horse. Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and fetched the
+monster a slap with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his
+saddle,--and away I went, with an army of a hundred and seventy-three
+thousand eight hundred men at my heels. * * * *
+
+
+
+
+BARBAZURE.
+
+BY G. P. R. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only
+known in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of Alsace,
+that two cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked eye threading
+one of the rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land
+between the Marne and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the declining
+luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which lined the path, through
+which the horsemen wound slowly; and as these eternal battlements with
+which Nature had hemmed in the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed
+with the last tints of the fading sunlight, the valley below was gray
+and darkling, and the hard and devious course was sombre in twilight.
+A few goats, hardly visible among the peaks, were cropping the scanty
+herbage here and there. The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks
+as they trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up plaintive
+echoes which moaned through those rocky and lonely steeps; the stars
+began to glimmer in the purple heavens spread serenely overhead and
+the faint crescent of the moon, which had peered for some time scarce
+visible in the azure, gleamed out more brilliantly at every moment,
+until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun's retreat. 'Tis a fair land
+that of France, a gentle, a green, and a beautiful; the home of arts
+and arms, of chivalry and romance, and (however sadly stained by the
+excesses of modern times) 'twas the unbought grace of nations once, and
+the seat of ancient renown and disciplined valor.
+
+And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and
+bravery is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that one
+over which our travellers wended, and which stretches between the good
+towns of Vendemiaire and Nivose. 'Tis common now to a hundred thousand
+voyagers: the English tourist, with his chariot and his Harvey's Sauce,
+and his imperials; the bustling commis-voyageur on the roof of the
+rumbling diligence; the rapid malle-poste thundering over the chaussee
+at twelve miles an hour--pass the ground hourly and daily now: 'twas
+lonely and unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century with
+which our story commences.
+
+Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such their
+outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together. The one, seemingly
+the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather in his barret-cap,
+and managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curveted
+gayly. A surcoat of peach-colored samite and a purfled doublet of vair
+bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant eye, his exquisitely chiselled
+nose, and his curling chestnut ringlets.
+
+Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring-violets;
+and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek--roses, alas! that bloom and die
+with life's spring! Now bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking off
+with his riding rod a floweret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot rode
+by his darker companion.
+
+His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed,
+that had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine. Thence
+through Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a city
+and commune, holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor
+of Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain l'Auxerrois, the warrior and his
+charger reached the lonely spot where now we find them.
+
+The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the
+steed which bore him. Both were caparisoned in the fullest trappings
+of feudal war. The arblast, the mangonel, the demiculverin, and the
+cuissart of the period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the
+war-steed; while the rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and
+arriere-ban, morion and tumbrel, battle-axe and rifflard, and the
+other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode stately on his steel-clad
+charger, himself a tower of steel. This mighty horseman was carried by
+his steed as lightly as the young springald by his Andalusian hackney.
+
+“'Twas well done of thee, Philibert,” said he of the proof-armor, “to
+ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms.”
+
+“Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!”
+ replied the younger Cavalier. “When I was yet a page, thou wert a belted
+knight; and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard grew.”
+
+“I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew the
+spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta,” the individual
+addressed as Romane replied. “Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy,
+(and marry 'tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a lance with Solyman at
+Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre. But enough of this.
+Tell me of home--of our native valley--of my hearth, and my lady-mother,
+and my good chaplain--tell me of HER, Philibert,” said the knight,
+executing a demivolt, in order to hide his emotion.
+
+Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the
+question. “The castle stands on the rock,” he said, “and the swallows
+still build in the battlements. The good chaplain still chants his
+vespers at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother
+still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey. The
+tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely, kinsman mine,” he
+added with an arch look.
+
+“But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?” Romane continued. “Since Lammas
+was a twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are unanswered.
+The postman hath traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a
+billet. How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?”
+
+“She is--well,” Philibert replied; “her sister Anne is the fairest of
+the twain, though.”
+
+“Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. A plague on
+sister Anne! Speak of Fatima, Philibert--my blue-eyed Fatima!”
+
+“I say she is--well,” answered his comrade gloomily.
+
+“Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? Nay, hath she had the
+small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak; speak, boy!” cried the knight,
+wrought to agony.
+
+“Her cheek is as red as her mother's, though the old Countess paints
+hers every day. Her foot is as light as a sparrow's, and her voice as
+sweet as a minstrel's dulcimer; but give me nathless the Lady Anne,”
+ cried Philibert; “give me the peerless Lady Anne! As soon as ever I have
+won spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and proclaim her the
+Queen of Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady Anne!” and so saying--but evidently
+wishing to disguise some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could
+ill brook to hear--the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward.
+
+But swift as was his courser's pace, that of his companion's enormous
+charger was swifter. “Boy,” said the elder, “thou hast ill tidings. I
+know it by thy glance. Speak: shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a
+thousand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in the name
+of heaven and good Saint Botibol. Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your
+tidings like a man!”
+
+“Fatima is well,” answered Philibert once again; “she hath had no
+measles: she lives and is still fair.”
+
+“Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? Not false? By Saint
+Botibol, say not false,” groaned the elder warrior.
+
+“A month syne,” Philibert replied, “she married the Baron de Barbazure.”
+
+With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the
+brave knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and fell
+from his charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast and
+magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin. The traveller
+of the present day, who wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and
+climbs the steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely
+trace, among the shattered masses of ivy-covered masonry which lie among
+the lonely crags, even the skeleton of the proud and majestic palace
+stronghold of the Barons of Barbazure.
+
+In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately, and
+seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal rocks on
+which they stood. The three mullets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted
+by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known cognizance of the house,
+blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, surmounting as many
+towers. The long lines of battlemented walls spread down the mountain
+to the Loire, and were defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men.
+Four hundred knights and six times as many archers fought round the
+banner of Barbazure at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour. For his
+services at Fontenoy against the English, the heroic Charles Martel
+appointed the fourteenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom
+of France; and for wealth, and for splendor, and for skill and fame
+in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no-wise inferior to his
+noble ancestors.
+
+That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the shore;
+that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a neighbor, or drew
+the fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy's castle with the wife
+and children within;--these were points for which the country knew and
+respected the stout Baron. When he returned from victory, he was sure to
+endow the Church with a part of his spoil, so that when he went forth to
+battle he was always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron
+Raoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the
+Court, the Church, and his neighbors.
+
+But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic
+grief which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure. His lovely ladies
+died one after the other. No sooner was he married than he was a
+widower; in the course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements
+had befallen the chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is a
+parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall of the great and
+wealthy as it does the humbler tenements of the poor.
+
+*****
+
+“Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover,” said the Lady of
+Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, “and think how the noble
+Barbazure loves thee! Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had
+eyes for thee and thy cousin only.”
+
+“I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!” the admirable
+Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. “Not that I care for my Lord of
+Barbazure's looks. MY heart, dearest mother, is with him who is far
+away!”
+
+“He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty-three
+corantoes, I think, child,” the mother said, eluding her daughter's
+remark.
+
+“Twenty-five,” said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to the
+ground. “Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!”
+
+“He had not the court air,” the mother suggested.
+
+“I don't wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure's dancing,
+mamma,” Fatima replied. “For a short, lusty man, 'tis wondrous how
+active he is; and in dignity the King's Grace himself could not surpass
+him.”
+
+“You were the noblest couple in the room, love,” the lady cried.
+
+“That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich
+plumes, blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink shoon,
+became the noble baron wondrous well,” Fatima acknowledged. “It must be
+confessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of youth.
+But alas, madam! The noble baron hath had nine wives already.”
+
+“And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth,” the mother
+replied.
+
+“My cousin give her eyes!” Fatima exclaimed. “It's not much, I'm sure,
+for she squints abominably.” And thus the ladies prattled, as they
+rode home at night after the great ball at the house of the Baron of
+Barbazure.
+
+The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand
+the doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the
+well-nurtured English maiden will participate in the divided feelings
+which rent her bosom. 'Tis true, that on his departure for the holy
+wars, Romane and Fatima were plighted to each other; but the folly of
+long engagements is proverbial; and though for many months the faithful
+and affectionate girl had looked in vain for news from him, her
+admirable parents had long spoken with repugnance of a match which must
+bring inevitable poverty to both parties. They had suffered, 'tis true,
+the engagement to subside, hostile as they ever were to it; but when
+on the death of the ninth lady of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked
+Fatima at the funeral, and rode home with her after the ceremony, her
+prudent parents saw how much wiser, better, happier for their child it
+would be to have for life a partner like the baron, than to wait the
+doubtful return of the penniless wanderer to whom she was plighted.
+
+Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how true
+to duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly angel, a
+well-bred woman of genteel family! Instead of indulging in splenetic
+refusals or vain regrets for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima at
+once signified to her excellent parents her willingness to obey their
+orders; though she had sorrows (and she declared them to be tremendous),
+the admirable being disguised them so well, that none knew they
+oppressed her. She said she would try to forget former ties, and (so
+strong in her mind was DUTY above every other feeling!--so strong may
+it be in every British maiden!) the lovely girl kept her promise. “My
+former engagements,” she said, packing up Romane's letters and presents,
+(which, as the good knight was mortal poor, were in sooth of no great
+price)--“my former engagements I look upon as childish follies;--my
+affections are fixed where my dear parents graft them--on the noble, the
+princely, the polite Barbazure. 'Tis true he is not comely in feature,
+but the chaste and well-bred female knows how to despise the fleeting
+charms of form. 'Tis true he is old; but can woman be better employed
+than in tending her aged and sickly companion? That he has been married
+is likewise certain--but ah, my mother! who knows not that he must be a
+good and tender husband, who, nine times wedded, owns that, he cannot be
+happy without another partner?”
+
+It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed
+obedience to her parents' will, and consented to receive the magnificent
+marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant bridegroom.
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts to see
+her hapless daughter. Ever, when she came, the porters grinned at her
+savagely through the grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled
+gate of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. “The Lady
+of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and keeps her chamber,” was
+the invariable reply of the dogged functionaries to the entreaties of
+the agonized mother. And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual
+calls at his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced
+to be at the postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the
+crupper of the lady's palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and
+in terror. “I will aim at the rider next time!” howled the ferocious
+baron, “and not at the horse!” And those who knew his savage nature and
+his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would neither break his
+knightly promise nor miss his aim.
+
+Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous
+passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were present at
+the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure's heart was changed
+towards his gentle and virtuous lady.
+
+For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted Baron
+of Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who entered.
+His lance bore everything down before it. The most famous champions of
+Europe, assembled at these joustings, had dropped, one by one, before
+this tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined to be
+his, and he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave, as his lady was
+the fairest of the fair.
+
+On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the Vosges,
+and the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the warrior had
+obtained such triumphs;--after having overcome two hundred and thirteen
+knights of different nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid
+Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted Dugueselin, as the
+conqueror sat still erect on his charger, and the multitudes doubted
+whether ever another champion could be found to face him, three blasts
+of a trumpet were heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing
+more clearly, until a knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his
+visor down, and riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the
+admiration of all present.
+
+The heralds asked him his name and quality.
+
+“Call me,” said he, in a hollow voice, “the Jilted Knight.” What was it
+made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents.
+
+The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the companion
+who rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de Coquelicot, who
+was known and respected universally through the neighborhood, gave a
+warranty for the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight--and Raoul
+de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two-hundred-and-fourteenth lance,
+shook the huge weapon in the air as though it were a reed, and prepared
+to encounter the intruder.
+
+According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the spear
+from harm, the top of the unknown knight's lance was shielded with
+a bung, which the warrior removed; and galloping up to Barbazure's
+pavilion, over which his shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with
+the sharpened steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assembly at
+this daring challenge to a combat a l'outrance. “Hast thou confessed,
+Sir Knight?” roared the Barbazure; “take thy ground, and look to
+thyself; for by heaven thy last hour is come!” “Poor youth, poor youth!”
+ sighed the spectators; “he has called down his own fate.” The next
+minute the signal was given, and as the simoom across the desert, the
+cataract down the rock, the shell from the howitzer, each warrior rushed
+from his goal.
+
+*****
+
+“Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?” said the Grand Duke, as at
+the end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over
+his prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at length
+unhorsed, and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity
+on his conqueror.
+
+“Take thy life,” said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight; “thou
+hast taken all that was dear to me.” And the sun setting, and no other
+warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the
+conqueror, and rode up to the duchess's balcony to receive the gold
+chain which was the reward of the victor. He raised his visor as the
+smiling princess guerdoned him--raised it, and gave ONE sad look towards
+the Lady Fatima at her side!
+
+“Romane de Clos-Vougeot!” shrieked she, and fainted. The Baron of
+Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his wound, and
+by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore
+revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a queen,
+returned to her castle as a prisoner.
+
+(As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel, let it
+suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which
+the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of the baroness,
+kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and the general tone of
+morality, are all excellently worked out, the Baron de Barbazure
+resolves upon putting his wife to death by the hands of the public
+executioner.)
+
+*****
+
+Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on
+the platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony of
+mid-day.
+
+The block was laid forth--the hideous minister of vengeance, masked
+and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready. The baron
+tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the dreadful
+swordsman if his hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood.
+The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank from him. There
+was not one there but loved and pitied the gentle lady.
+
+Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. To all her
+lord's savage interrogatories, her reply had been, “I am innocent.” To
+his threats of death, her answer was, “You are my lord; my life is in
+your hands, to take or to give.” How few are the wives, in our day, who
+show such angelic meekness! It touched all hearts around her, save that
+of the implacable Barbazure! Even the Lady Blanche, (Fatima's cousin),
+whom he had promised to marry upon his faithless wife's demise, besought
+for her kinswoman's life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her
+death.
+
+“Is there no pity, sir?” asked the chaplain who had attended her.
+
+“No pity?” echoed the weeping serving-maid.
+
+“Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?” said the gentle lady, and
+placed herself at the block.
+
+Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven hair.
+“Now!” shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his foot--“Now
+strike!”
+
+The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself to
+deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air, with
+one irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head of the
+furious, the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure!
+
+Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the Lady
+Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his mask,
+knelt gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well-known
+features of Romane de Clos-Vougeot.
+
+
+
+
+LORDS AND LIVERIES.
+
+BY THE AUTHORESS OF “DUKES AND DEJEUNERS,” “HEARTS AND DIAMONDS,”
+ “MARCHIONESSES AND MILLINERS,” ETC. ETC.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+“CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box
+to-night,” said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning over
+the velvet-cushioned balconies of the “Coventry Club,” smoking their
+full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson's) after the opera.
+
+Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips
+of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire anything
+except a coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a supreme de
+cochon en torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion, the chef of
+the “Traveller's,” only knows how to dress; or the bouquet of a flask of
+Medoc, of Carbonell's best quality; or a goutte of Marasquin, from the
+cellars of Briggs and Hobson.
+
+Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon of
+Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like too
+many of our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in his
+twenty-fourth year. Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent
+principles (who had imbued his young mind with that Morality which is so
+superior to all the vain pomps of the world!) it had not been always the
+young earl's lot to wear the coronet for which he now in sooth cared so
+little. His father, a captain of Britain's navy, struck down by the
+side of the gallant Collingwood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his
+sword and spotless name to his young, lovely, and inconsolable widow,
+who passed the first years of her mourning in educating her child in an
+elegant though small cottage in one of the romantic marine villages of
+beautiful Devonshire. Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the
+widow's heart as she pressed him to it! How faithfully did she instil
+into his young bosom those principles which had been the pole-star of
+the existence of his gallant father!
+
+In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found the
+widow and her boy. The seventeenth Earl--gallant and ardent, and in
+the prime of youth--went forth one day from the Eternal City to a
+steeple-chase in the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to
+his hotel in the Piazza di Spagna. Death, alas! is no respecter of the
+Nobility. That shattered form was all that remained of the fiery, the
+haughty, the wild, but the generous Altamont de Pentonville! Such, such
+is fate!
+
+The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother's
+solicitude at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly descended
+on her boy. She engaged an excellent clergyman of the Church of England
+to superintend his studies; to accompany him on foreign travel when the
+proper season arrived; to ward from him those dangers which dissipation
+always throws in the way of the noble, the idle, and the wealthy. But
+the Reverend Cyril Delaval died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth
+the young Earl of Bagnigge was without a guardian.
+
+What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty, he was a cynic and
+an epicure. He had drained the cup of pleasure till it had palled in his
+unnerved hand. He had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps
+without reverence. He was unmoved by the sandy solitudes of the Desert
+as by the placid depths of Mediterranean's sea of blue. Bitter, bitter
+tears did Emily de Pentonville weep, when, on Alured's return from the
+Continent, she beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in
+her beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy!
+
+“Corpo di Bacco,” he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the red
+nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore's coachman--who, having deposited
+her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the carriage to
+the stables, before commencing his evening at the “Fortune of War”
+ public-house--“what a lovely creature that was! What eyes! what hair!
+Who knows her? Do you, mon cher prince?”
+
+“E bellissima, certamente,” said the Duca de Montepulciano, and stroked
+down his jetty moustache.
+
+“Ein gar schones Madchen,” said the Hereditary Grand Duke of
+Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one.
+
+“Elle n'est pas mal, ma foi!” said the Prince de Borodino, with a scowl
+on his darkling brows. “Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont mauvais!” he
+added as he too cast away his Cuba.
+
+“Try one of my Pickwicks,” said Franklin Fox, with a sneer, offering
+his gold etui to the young Frenchman; “they are some of Pontet's best,
+Prince. What, do you bear malice? Come, let us be friends,” said the gay
+and careless young patrician; but a scowl on the part of the Frenchman
+was the only reply.
+
+“Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge,” the wag
+went on.
+
+Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized. The
+Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom Protocol
+of the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh, Poldoody, and the
+rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any one present.
+
+“No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don't you see he has gone off
+in a fury!” Franklin Fox continued. “He has his reasons, ce cher prince:
+he will tell you nothing; but I will. You know that I am au mieux with
+the dear old duchess.”
+
+“They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke's death,” cried
+Poldoody.
+
+“I always thought Fwank was the duke's illicit gweatgwandson,” drawled
+out De Boots.
+
+“I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs from
+Paris,” cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are known in every
+diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo.
+
+“Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!” said Bagnigge. “Tell me about this
+girl, Franklin Fox.”
+
+“In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring
+fence in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa at
+Richmond, a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand a year
+in the three-per-cents.”
+
+“Apres?” said Bagnigge, still yawning.
+
+“Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour. They are cousins, her mother was
+an Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father, married
+another sister. I believe he was footman in the family, before Napoleon
+princified him.”
+
+“No, no, he was second coachman,” Tom Protocol good-naturedly
+interposed--“a cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man.”
+
+“'Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one's, I mean) when
+he found me in the duchess's room this evening, tete-a-tete with the
+heiress, who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand.”
+
+“It cost me three guineas,” poor Frank said, with a shrug and a sigh,
+“and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she took the
+flowers;--eh, Bagnigge?”
+
+“And flung them to Alboni,” the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer. And
+poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had.
+
+The maitre d'hotel here announced that supper was served. It was
+remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on
+Bagnigge that night.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the court
+of the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was such as has
+seldom been created by the appearance of any other beauty. The men were
+raving with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her beauty, her
+wit, her grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy.
+
+Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace's
+daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the heiress's
+regal beauty quite flung her cousins' simple charms into the shade,
+and blazed with a splendor which caused all “minor lights” to twinkle
+faintly. Before a day the beau-monde, before a week even the vulgarians
+of the rest of the town, rang with the fame of her charms; and while the
+dandies and the beauties were raving about her, or tearing her to pieces
+in May Fair, even Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the “Hoperer”
+ in a green turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great
+HAIRESS to her D. in Bloomsbury Square.
+
+Crowds went to Squab and Lynch's, in Long Acre, to examine the carriages
+building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so odiously
+unostentatious and provokingly simple! Besides the ancestral services of
+argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six
+plate-chests at Messrs. Childs', Rumble and Briggs prepared a gold
+service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket, a service of the Benvenuto
+Cellini pattern, which were the admiration of all London. Before a month
+it is a fact that the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the
+blue stocks, called “Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:”
+ long before that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline's, or sent
+couriers to Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of
+her dresses; but, as the Mantuan bard observes, “Non cuivis
+contigit,”--every foot cannot accommodate itself to the chaussure of
+Cinderella.
+
+With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these cheers
+following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst happy? Ah, no!
+It is not under the necklace the most brilliant that Briggs and Rumble
+can supply, it is not in Lynch's best cushioned chariot that the heart
+is most at ease. “Que je me ruinerai,” says Fronsac in a letter to
+Bossuet, “si je savais ou acheter le bonheur!”
+
+With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was
+wretched--wretched, because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart
+had nothing to cling to. Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male
+person even entered it, except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing,)
+and the duchess's family, her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his friend
+old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the odious, odious Borodino.
+
+The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to
+him. Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such an
+opportunity to refaire sa fortune. He gave out that he would kill any
+man who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his
+word. Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen by his hand at
+Ostend. The O'Toole, who had met her on the Rhine, had received a ball
+in his shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care to resume so dangerous a
+courtship. Borodino could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards.
+He could beat Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the small-sword:
+he was the dragon that watched this pomme d'or, and very few persons
+were now inclined to face a champion si redoutable.
+
+Over a salmi d'escargot at the “Coventry,” the dandies whom we
+introduced in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the
+heiress; and her story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who,
+for a wonder, was interested in the tale. Borodino's pretensions
+were discussed, and the way in which the fair Amethyst was confined.
+Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave Square, is--as everybody knows--the
+next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst. A communication was made
+between the two houses. She never went out except accompanied by the
+duchess's guard, which it was impossible to overcome.
+
+“Impossible! Nothing's impossible,” said Lord Bagnigge.
+
+“I bet you what you like you don't get in,” said the young Marquis of
+Martingale.
+
+“I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress's house before
+the season's over,” Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and the bet was
+registered with shouts of applause.
+
+But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge, for
+the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him; he
+was carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a dislocated
+shoulder; and the doctor's bulletins pronounced him to be in the most
+dangerous state.
+
+
+Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding
+by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight after the above events, his
+lordship was prancing by her Grace's great family coach, and chattering
+with Lady Gwinever about the strange wager.
+
+“Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?” he asked. Her ladyship said
+yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican; and stared when
+Lord Martingale announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies,
+worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now kept at Coutts's.
+Then he explained the circumstances of the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament
+was to adjourn in ten days; the season would be over! Bagnigge was lying
+ill chez lui; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his.
+And he vowed he would buy Lord Binnacle's yacht--crew, captain, guns and
+all.
+
+On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore's, Martingale found
+among the many billets upon the gold plateau in his antichambre, the
+following brief one, which made him start--
+
+
+“DEAR MARTINGALE.--Don't be too sure of Binnacle's yacht. There are
+still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie at
+Coutts's for some time to come.
+
+“Yours,
+
+“BAGNIGGE.
+
+“P. S.--I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered up
+from that confounded fall.”
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John,
+cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did not
+take powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under-butler,
+who reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned his name with
+praise to the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well-spoken a
+young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper's room deigned to notice
+him more than once; nor was his popularity diminished on account of a
+quarrel in which he engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon
+chasseur, who was one day found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited
+on Amethyst's own maid. The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames
+entering the Servants' Hall, where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in
+“aggravating” her, Miss Flouncy screamed: at the next moment the Belgian
+giant lay sprawling upon the carpet; and Jeames, standing over him,
+assumed so terrible a look, that the chasseur declined any further
+combat. The victory was made known to the house-steward himself, who,
+being a little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames on
+his valor, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own room.
+
+Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people. He
+had lived, he said, in that family two years. “But where there was
+no ladies,” he said, “a gentleman's hand was spiled for service;” and
+Jeames's was a very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy admired it very much,
+and of course he did not defile it by menial service: he had in a young
+man who called him sir, and did all the coarse work; and Jeames read the
+morning paper to the ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many
+gentlemen do, but easily and elegantly, speaking off the longest words
+without a moment's difficulty. He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy
+found, who was studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de
+confiance; for when she said to him, “Polly voo Fransy, Munseer Jeames?”
+ he replied readily, “We, Mademaselle, j'ay passay boco de tong a Parry.
+Commong voo potty voo?” How Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before
+her, the day after he had saved Miss Amethyst when the horses had run
+away with her in the Park!
+
+Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a week in Amethyst's
+service, and already the gentle heart of the washing-girl was
+irrecoverably gone! Poor Flouncy! Poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee.
+
+It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her cousin
+the prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into the Park
+simply with her companion, who had charge of her little Fido, the
+dearest little spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind
+the carriage with their long sticks and neat dark liveries; the
+horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the coachman a late
+lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole ring could not boast a more
+elegant turn-out.
+
+The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine. It
+may have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish ambassador
+which frightened the prince's grays, or Mrs. Champignon's new yellow
+liveries, which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon's
+preternatural ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at the time,
+or the prince's own want of skill, finally; but certain it is that the
+horses took fright, dashed wildly along the mile, scattered equipages,
+pietons, dandies' cabs, and snobs' pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming;
+and the prince, deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind, as the
+curricle came rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst's carriage stood.
+
+“I'm blest,” Frederick exclaimed to his companion, “if it ain't the
+prince a-drivin our missis! They'll be in the Serpingtine, or dashed to
+pieces, if they don't mind.” And the runaway steeds at this instant came
+upon them as a whirlwind.
+
+But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter. To jump
+from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle, to jump into
+it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole,
+and to seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino, who
+shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet leapt on his toes and into his
+seat, was the work of an instant. In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush
+of the horses was reduced to a swift but steady gallop; presently into a
+canter, then a trot; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling,
+but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst's carriage, which came up at a
+rapid pace.
+
+“Give me the reins, malappris! tu m'ecrases le corps, manant!” yelled
+the frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid charioteer.
+
+“Tant pis pour toi, nigaud,” was the reply. The lovely Amethyst of
+course had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her carriage,
+and rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile.
+
+The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the
+latter--a liveried menial--stoop gracefully forward and kiss Amethyst's
+hand, may be imagined rather than described. But Jeames heeded not his
+curses. Having placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly
+resumed his station behind. Passion or danger seemed to have no
+impression upon that pale marble face.
+
+Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on coming
+to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the Frangipane best
+style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses,
+the clumsy attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille
+cisele, with its scalding contents, over the prince's chin, his Mechlin
+jabot, and the grand cordon of the Legion of honor which he wore.
+
+“Infame,” howled Borodino, “tu l'as fait expres!”
+
+“Oui, je l'ai fait expres,” said the man, with the most perfect Parisian
+accent. It was Jeames.
+
+Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after the
+morning's service, and he was chassed on the spot. He had been but a
+week in the house.
+
+The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may possibly
+elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:--
+
+“Singular Wager.--One night, at the end of last season, the young and
+eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand pounds
+with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of M-rt-ng-le,
+that he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely
+young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B-lgr-ve Squ-re. The
+bet having been made, the earl pretended an illness, and having taken
+lessons from one of his lordship's own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose
+name he also borrowed) in 'the MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,' actually
+succeeded in making an entry into Miss P-ml-co's mansion, where he
+stopped one week exactly; having time to win his bet, and to save the
+life of the lady, whom we hear he is about to lead to the altar. He
+disarmed the Prince of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands--and,
+it is said, appeared at the C---- club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a
+cloak, and displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager.”
+
+Such, indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple have not more
+than nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully, and manage
+to do good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law and
+her little grandchildren, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un
+homme range.
+
+
+
+
+CRINOLINE.
+
+BY JE-MES PL-SH, ESQ.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+I'm not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the
+igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd paytrons
+of letarature and true connyshures of merrit--the great Brittish
+public--But I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of rewmantic
+love, absobbing pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is, in the main
+fax, TREW. The suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the rain of our presnt
+Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince Halbert.
+
+Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18-- (mor I dar not rewheel) there
+arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and Dover
+Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate
+Munseer Jools De Chacabac.
+
+Having read through “The Vicker of Wackfield” in the same oridganal
+English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and
+halways been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for his
+aytred and orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by
+the prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris, the very
+man to come to this country, igsamin its manners and customs, cast an i
+upon the politticle and finalshle stat of the Hempire, and igspose
+the mackynations of the infyamous Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir
+Pill--both enemies of France; as is every other Britten of that great,
+gloarus, libberal, and peasable country. In one word, Jools de Chacabac
+was a penny-a-liner.
+
+“I will go see with my own I's,” he said, “that infimus hiland of which
+the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and treason.
+I will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the
+Chynese, the villians who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany, the
+artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with their cotton, and can't
+sleep or rest heasy for henvy and hatred of the great inwinsable French
+nation. I will igsammin, face to face, these hotty insularies; I will
+pennytrate into the secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard
+Palmerston in his denn.” When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having
+been tremenguously sick in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, “Enfin je te
+tiens, Ile maudite! je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre! Je te
+foule a mes pieds an nom du monde outrage,” and so proseaded to inwade
+the metropulus.
+
+As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the best of
+infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went and lodgd in
+Lester Square--Lester Squarr, as he calls it--which, as he was infommed
+in the printed suckular presented to him by a very greasy but polite
+comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the town,
+contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple theayters, the parx,
+St. Jams Pallice, and the Corts of Lor. “I can surwhey them all at one
+cut of the eye,” Jools thought; “the Sovring, the infamus Ministers
+plotting the destruction of my immortial country; the business and
+pleasure of these pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and
+see all.” So he took a three-pair back in a French hotel, the “Hotel
+de l'Ail,” kep by Monsieur Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr,
+London.
+
+In this otell there's a billiard-room on the first floor, and a
+tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o'clock; and the landlord, who
+kem into Jools's room smoaking a segar, told the young gent that the
+house was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who reglar took
+their dinners there. “They can't ebide their own quiseen,” he said.
+“You'll see what a dinner we'll serve you to-day.” Jools wrote off to
+his paper--
+
+“The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like all
+the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the indulgence
+of their luxuries. The nobles of England, quitting their homes, their
+wives, miladies and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally
+at the tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel and
+Palmerston. I fremis to think that I may meet them at the board to-day.”
+
+Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn't dine at the “Hotel de l'Ail”
+ on that evening. “It's quite igstronnary they don't come,” said Munseer
+de l'Ail.
+
+“Peraps they're ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de cock,”
+ Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was very likely.
+
+Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of
+every nation under the sun. Most of the noblemen were great hamatures of
+hale and porter. The tablecloth was marked over with brown suckles, made
+by the pewter-pots on that and the previous days.
+
+“It is the usage here,” wrote Jools to his newspaper, “among the Anglais
+of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and porter during
+their meals. These stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors
+are served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafanaf (so a
+certain sort of beer is called) was placed by the side of most of the
+convives. I was disappointed of seeing Sir Peel: he was engaged to a
+combat of cocks which occurs at Windsor.”
+
+Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when the
+gentlemen said “Garsong de l'afanaf,” but Jool was very much pleased to
+meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their opinion about the
+reel state of thinx. Was it likely that the bishops were to be turned
+out of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true that Lor Palmerston
+had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the House of Lords, until they were
+sepparayted by the Lor Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn't he Premier
+Minister? and wasn't the Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker? He got
+answers to these questions from the various gents round about during
+the dinner--which, he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only
+dirtier. And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his newspaper.
+
+“The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre. His Grace has his
+dwelling in the City. The Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker,
+as some people stated. Quakers may not marry, nor sit in the Chamber of
+Peers. The minor bishops have seats in the House of Commons, where they
+are attacked by the bitter pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is
+in the house; he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who
+conferred upon him the seat,” &c. &c.
+
+His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two Poles,
+a Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen. This being done amidst more
+hafanaf, without which nothink is done in England, and as there was no
+French play that night, he & the two French gents walked round and round
+Lester Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of other French gents who
+were smoaking 2. And they talked about the granjer of France and the
+perfidgusness of England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Madame
+Wharton as Haryadney till bedtime. But befor he slep, he finished
+his letter you may be sure, and called it his “Fust Imprestiuns of
+Anglyterre.”
+
+“Mind and wake me early,” he said to Boots, the ony Brittish subject in
+the “Hotel de l'Ail,” and who therefore didn't understand him. “I wish
+to be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE MEN SELL THEIR WIVES.” And the
+young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a one he'd buy.
+
+This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about
+Hengland and the Henglish--walking round and round Lester Squarr all
+day, and every day with the same company, occasionally dewussified by an
+Oprer Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quadrant
+admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools was not over well
+funnisht with pocket-money, and so his pleasure was of the gratis sort
+cheafly.
+
+Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the
+aristoxy under the Quadrant--they were struck all of a heap by
+seeing--But, stop! who WAS Jools's friend? Here you have pictures of
+both--but the Istory of Jools's friend must be kep for another innings.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools de
+Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London--not fur, I say, from
+Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping's Buildings,
+leading to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin's Lane. You know
+Pipping's Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where
+Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver a-cuttin
+the varous jints), and by the little fishmungur's, where you remark
+the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown picklesammon, the playbills, and
+the gingybear bottles in the window--above all, by the “Constantinople”
+ Divan, kep by the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of “a
+prime sigaw and an exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d.”
+
+The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of Lester
+Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping's Buildings
+without seeing a haf a duzen of 'em on the threshole of the
+extablishment, giving the street an oppertunity of testing the odar
+of the Misses Mordeky's prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable
+inside, settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav'rit
+whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly, or the flagrant
+and arheumatic Qby.
+
+“These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of the
+young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young Pier, after an arjus day at
+the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the
+national beveridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the
+day, or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor.”
+
+So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam;
+and of this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of this
+“Constantinople” Divan, he became almost as reglar a frequenter as the
+plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue
+coffee-cups in the winder.
+
+I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the Diwann,
+listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland, and boastin
+of their own immortial country. How they did go on about Wellintun,
+and what an arty contamp they ad for him!--how they used to prove that
+France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample and hadmiration of
+the whole world! And though I scarcely take a French paper now-a-days
+(I lived in early days as groom in a French famly three years, and
+therefore knows the languidg), though, I say, you can't take up Jools's
+paper, the Orriflam, without readin that a minister has committed
+bribery and perjury, or that a littery man has committed perjury and
+murder, or that a Duke has stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some
+story equally horrible; yet for all that it's admiral to see how
+the French gents will swagger--how they will be the scenters of
+civilization--how they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and nothink shall
+prevent 'em--knowing they will have it, I say I listen, smokin my pip in
+silence. But to our tail.
+
+Reglar every evening there came to the “Constantanople” a young gent
+etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the cleanlyness
+of his appearants and linning (which was generally a pink or blew shurt,
+with a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a contrast to the dinjy
+and whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young mann
+had none beyond a little yallow tought to his chin, which you woodn
+notas, only he was always pulling at it. His statue was diminnative,
+but his coschume supubb, for he had the tippiest Jane boots, the
+ivoryheadest canes, the most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most
+Scotch-plaidest trowseys, of any customer of that establishment. He was
+univusaly called Milord.
+
+“Que est ce jeune seigneur? Who is this young hurl who comes knightly
+to the 'Constantanople,' who is so proddigl of his gold (for indeed the
+young gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to the company), and who
+drinks so much gin?” asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the “Hotel
+de l'Ail.”
+
+“His name is Lord Yardham,” answered that friend. “He never comes here
+but at night--and why?”
+
+“Y?” igsclaimed Jools, istonisht.
+
+“Why? because he is engaygd all day--and do you know where he is engaygd
+all day?”
+
+“Where?” asked Jools.
+
+“At the Foring Office--NOW do you begin to understand?”--Jools trembled.
+
+He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.--“Who IS the head of
+that offis?--Palmerston.”
+
+“The nephew of Palmerston!” said Jools, almost in a fit.
+
+“Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French,” the other went on. “He
+pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo. Shallow humbug!--I
+have marked him during our conversations.--When we have spoken of the
+glory of France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and his
+perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have discussed before him, the
+Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and Raggybritchovich has shown us
+the next Circassian Campaign, or Sapousne has laid hare the plan of
+the Calabrian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this
+stranger--this Lor Yardham. He smokes, 'tis to conceal his countenance;
+he drinks gin, 'tis to hide his face in the goblet. And be sure, he
+carries every word of our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his
+uncle.”
+
+“I will beard him in his den,” thought Jools. “I will meet him
+corps-a-corps--the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his nephew, and
+I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier.”
+
+When Lor Yardham came to the “Constantanople” that night, Jools i'd
+him savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the same.
+It wasn't much for either to do--neyther being more than 4 foot ten
+hi--Jools was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was
+as brayv as a lion.
+
+“Ah, l'Angleterre, l'Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche,” said Jools,
+crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham.
+
+“Wee,” said Lord Yardham; “wee.”
+
+“Delenda est Carthago!” howled out Jools.
+
+“Oh, wee,” said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas of
+ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, “A voternsanty, Munseer:”
+ and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools.
+
+A light broak on Jools's mind as he igsepted the refreshmint.
+“Sapoase,” he said, “instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the infamous
+Palmerston, I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump him--suppose
+I unveil his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may hear
+the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honor may glitter on my
+bosom.”
+
+So axepting Lord Yardham's cortasy, he returned it by ordering another
+glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on the counter,
+where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night. To everything he
+said, the Earl of Yardham answered, “Wee, wee;” except at the end of the
+evening, when he squeeged his & and said, “Bong swore.”
+
+“There's nothing like goin amongst 'em to equire the reel
+pronounciation,” his lordship said, as he let himself into his lodgings
+with his latch-key. “That was a very eloquent young gent at the
+'Constantinople,' and I'll patronize him.”
+
+“Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!” Jools remarked to himself as he went
+to bed in his “Hotel de l'Ail.” And they met the next night, and from
+that heavning the young men were continyually together.
+
+Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking,
+and Lord Yardham saying, “Wee, wee,” they were struck all of a heap by
+seeing--
+
+But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the nex
+number.
+
+
+III.
+
+THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO.
+
+
+The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum of
+Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind would say)
+never chaumed his i's within a site more lovely, or vu'd a pallis more
+magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew
+Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes the selvery Garonne
+wines, like--like a benevvolent sarpent. In its plasid busum antient
+cassles, picturask willidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple
+hills, crownd with inteak ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle
+greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from
+which the appy and peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden
+waving cornfealds, and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are
+graysinn; while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the
+leisure mominx on his loot--these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the
+rurial felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de
+Viddlers were bawn.
+
+Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor and
+of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and
+Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chamberleng of
+the Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c. &c. &c.--is the
+twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the Tittle; is disended
+lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as antient a paddygree as
+any which the Ollywell Street frends of the Member of Buckinumsheer can
+supply.
+
+His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon, quitted
+this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her lord with the
+two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in whomb, after the loss
+of that angle his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on
+huth. In all his emusemints they ecumpanied him; their edjacation was
+his sole bisniss; he atcheaved it with the assistnce of the ugliest and
+most lernid masters, and the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which
+money could procure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these
+Budds, which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming
+flagrance round his pirentle Busm!
+
+The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and his
+lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their naybrood but was edawned by
+their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern't rendered
+appy. It was a pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk
+were wertuous & tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled drab shoes,
+and beautiful snowy air. All the old women had peaked ats, and crooked
+cains, and chince gowns tucked into the pockits of their quiltid
+petticoats; they sat in pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the
+lads and lassis of the villidges danst under the hellums. O, tis a noble
+sight to whitniss that of an appy pheasantry! Not one of those
+rustic wassals of the Ouse of Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his
+shirt-sheaves tied up with pink ribbing as he led to the macy dance
+some appy country gal, with a black velvit boddice and a redd or yaller
+petticoat, a hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her air!
+
+When the Marcus & ther young ladies came to the villidge it would have
+done the i's of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved 'em! The
+little children scattered calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired
+old men with red faces and rinkles took off their brown paper ats to
+slewt the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a woodn bank painted
+to look like a bower of roses, and when they were sett down danst ballys
+before them. O 'twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint
+with fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses
+with their ploomes, and trains, and little coronicks!
+
+They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls, and had
+no end of pallises, willers, and town and country resadences; but their
+fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of the Island of Fogo.
+
+Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt dixcribe
+the gawjusness of their aboad. They add twenty-four footmen in livery,
+besides a boy in codroys for the knives & shoes. They had nine meels
+aday--Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young
+ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry-cobblers,
+lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to ring the bell and
+call for what they chose. They had two new dresses every day--one to
+ride out in the open carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of
+the Castle of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night
+like Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there ready to dance
+with them, and festif suppers concludid the jawyus night.
+
+Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon
+this happy fammaly. Etached to his Princes and abommanating the ojus
+Lewyphlip, the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the helder
+branch of the Borebones--and what was the consquince?--One night a fleat
+presented itself round the Castle of the Island of Fogo--and skewering
+only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus and the two young ladies
+in disgyise, fled from that island of bliss. And whither fled they?--To
+England!--England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world, where
+the pore slave never setts his foot but he is free!
+
+Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by the
+Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their page
+from Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps
+for the umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his equaintnce,
+Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired.
+
+But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble
+Marcus?--That is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam.
+
+
+
+
+THE STARS AND STRIPES.
+
+THE AUTHOR OR “THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS,” “PILOT,” ETC
+
+
+I.
+
+
+The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the
+fairest, not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal arm;
+while the children of France were indulging in their infantile hilarity
+in the alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which Niblo's
+garden has been copied in our own Empire city of New York), and playing
+at leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of Provence; gaudy courtiers,
+emlazoned with orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous
+talk in the ears of high-bred beauty.
+
+“Marie, my beloved,” said the ruler of France, taking out his watch,
+“'tis time that the Minister of America should be here.”
+
+“Your Majesty should know the time,” replied Marie Antoinette, archly,
+and in an Austrian accent; “is not my Royal Louis the first watchmaker
+in his empire?”
+
+The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with courtly
+grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment. “My Lord
+Bishop of Autun,” said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand Perigord, who
+followed the royal pair, in his quality of arch-chamberlain of the
+empire, “I pray you look through the gardens, and tell his Excellency
+Doctor Franklin that the King waits.” The Bishop ran off, with more
+than youthful agility, to seek the United States' Minister. “These
+Republicans,” he added, confidentially, and with something of a
+supercilious look, “are but rude courtiers, methinks.”
+
+“Nay,” interposed the lovely Antoinette, “rude courtiers, Sire, they may
+be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished gentlemen. I have seen
+no grandee of Versailles that has the noble bearing of this American
+envoy and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World, with
+all the simple elegance of the New. Though they have perfect dignity of
+manner, they have an engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled
+by the best of the proud English nobles with whom they wage war. I
+am told they speak their very language with a grace which the haughty
+Islanders who oppress them never attained. They are independent, yet
+never insolent; elegant, yet always respectful; and brave, but not in
+the least boastful.”
+
+“What! savages and all, Marie?” exclaimed Louis, laughing, and chucking
+the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin. “But here comes Doctor
+Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him.” In fact, as the monarch
+spoke, the Minister of the United States made his appearance, followed
+by a gigantic warrior in the garb of his native woods.
+
+Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even then
+in dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in valor, in
+honesty, in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor nodded to the Queen
+of France, but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and did
+not cease whittling the cane he carried in his hand.
+
+“I was waiting for you, sir,” the King said, peevishly, in spite of the
+alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm.
+
+“The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of your
+Majesty's wishes,” replied Dr. Franklin. “When I was a poor printer's
+boy and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben
+Franklin; but all other things must yield to the service of the United
+States of North America. I have done. What would you, Sire?” and the
+intrepid republican eyed the monarch with a serene and easy dignity,
+which made the descendant of St. Louis feel ill at ease.
+
+“I wished to--to say farewell to Tatua before his departure,” said Louis
+XVI., looking rather awkward. “Approach, Tatua.” And the gigantic Indian
+strode up, and stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the French
+nation: again the feeble monarch quailed before the terrible simplicity
+of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval forests.
+
+The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his
+war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock's feather, which had been
+given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe.
+His nose, from which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe
+took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of green and
+orange was drawn round each eye, while serpentine stripes of black,
+white, and vermilion alternately were smeared on his forehead, and
+descended over his cheek-bones to his chin. His manly chest was
+similarly tattooed and painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung
+innumerable bracelets and necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only
+from each skull) from the jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible
+tomahawk at his girdle. His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped
+on his arm and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with
+tufts of hair--the black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet of
+beauty, the red lock from the forehead of the Scottish or the Northern
+soldier, the snowy tress of extreme old age, the flaxen down of
+infancy--all were there, dreadful reminiscences of the chief's triumphs
+in war. The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle, and faced the King.
+
+“And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in '57?” said Louis,
+eying the warrior and his weapon. “'Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I
+could mend it,” he added mentally.
+
+“The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth,” Tatua said. “Tatua
+was a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm.”
+
+“And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!” said the King.
+
+“The English are braves, though their faces are white,” replied the
+Indian. “Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other
+wolves caused the foxes to go to earth.” A smile played round Dr.
+Franklin's lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever.
+
+“I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere than
+at Quebec,” the King said, appealing to the American Envoy: “at Bunker's
+Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave
+Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but that the
+war will finish quickly--yes, yes, it will finish quickly. They will
+teach you discipline, and the way to conquer.”
+
+“King Louis of France,” said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over
+his head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, “we have learned that from
+the British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I'd have your
+Majesty to know that in the art of whipping the world we have no need
+of any French lessons. If your reglars jine General Washington, 'tis to
+larn from HIM how Britishers are licked; for I'm blest if YU know the
+way yet.”
+
+Tatua said, “Ugh,” and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine,
+which made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely Antoinette
+flashed fire, but it played round the head of the dauntless American
+Envoy harmless as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away.
+
+The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order
+of the Bath. “Your Excellency wears no honor,” the monarch said; “but
+Tatua, who is not a subject, only an ally, of the United States, may.
+Noble Tatua, I appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the
+Bath. Wear this cross upon your breast in memory of Louis of France;”
+ and the King held out the decoration to the Chief.
+
+Up to that moment the Chief's countenance had been impassible. No
+look either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim and
+war-painted visage. But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua's face assumed a
+glance of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble.
+
+“I will give it to one of my squaws,” he said. “The papooses in my lodge
+will play with it. Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink fire-water;”
+ and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony
+upon the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of the walks
+of the garden. Franklin found him when his own interview with the French
+Chief Magistrate was over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief
+was, by the crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his quiet
+way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade.
+
+Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the “Repudiator,” was
+sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian might be
+seen standing on the binnacle in conversation with Commodore Bowie, the
+commander of the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went to the
+Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French pale-faces.
+Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety and the crowd of
+cities; the stout mariner's home was in the puttock-shrouds of the old
+“Repudiator.” The stern and simple trapper loved the sound of the waters
+better than the jargon of the French of the old country. “I can follow
+the talk of a Pawnee,” he said, “or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids
+me to speak, by a Sioux's council-fire and I can patter Canadian
+French with the hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or
+Thichimuchimachy; but from the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour
+on her head, and war-paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty
+Pumpo.”
+
+“Amen and amen!” said Tom Coxswain. “There was a woman in our
+aft-scuppers when I went a-whalin in the little 'Grampus'--and Lord love
+you, Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as ever dowsed
+a tarpauling--there was a woman on board the 'Grampus,' who before we'd
+struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, set the whole crew in
+a mutiny. I mind me of her now, Natty,--her eye was sich a piercer that
+you could see to steer by it in a Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out
+like the 'Grampus's' jibboom, and her woice, Lord love you, her woice
+sings in my ears even now:--it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the
+Mate, who was hanged in Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in
+Baffin's Bay;--it set me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each
+other's old timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that
+ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years' pay as I'd stowed away
+for the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only bad
+luck to me, she went and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and
+I've hated women and tailors ever since!” As he spoke, the hardy tar
+dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek, and once more betook
+himself to splice the taffrail.
+
+Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle. The
+gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon the
+enemy's seaboard. The coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have
+still many a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British
+fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terrible “Repudiator.”
+ She was the first of the mighty American war-ships that have taught the
+domineering Briton to respect the valor of the Republic.
+
+The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the sterner
+tone of the historian, when describing deeds connected with his
+country's triumphs. It is well known that during the two months in which
+she lay off Havre, the “Repudiator” had brought more prizes into that
+port than had ever before been seen in the astonished French waters. Her
+actions with the “Dettingen” and the “Elector” frigates form part of our
+country's history; their defence--it may be said without prejudice to
+national vanity--was worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had
+to encounter; and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which
+presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of
+the combat might have been in favor of the British vessels. It was not
+until the “Elector” blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a
+lucky shot which fell into her caboose, and communicated with the
+powder-magazine, that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on
+board the “Dettingen,” which he carried sword in hand. Even when the
+American boarders had made their lodgment on the “Dettingen's” binnacle,
+it is possible that the battle would still have gone against us.
+The British were still seven to one; their carronades, loaded with
+marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which we had possession, and
+decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from the shrouds of the
+“Repudiator” shot Captain Mumford under the star of the Guelphic Order
+which he wore, and the Americans, with a shout, rushed up the companion
+to the quarter-deck, upon the astonished foe. Pike and cutlass did the
+rest of the bloody work. Rumford, the gigantic first-lieutenant of
+the “Dettingen,” was cut down by Commodore Bowie's own sword, as they
+engaged hand to hand; and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down the British
+flag, after having slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be to the
+souls of the brave! The combat was honorable alike to the victor and
+the vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior
+depreciated a gallant foe. The bitterness of defeat was enough to the
+haughty islanders who had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining
+the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel must have been
+the pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes rise over the old
+flag of the Union, and the “Dettingen” fall down the river in tow of the
+Republican frigate.
+
+Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring perhaps
+ever imagined by seaman. It is this which has been so wrongly described
+by European annalists, and of which the British until now have
+maintained the most jealous secrecy.
+
+Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended. Our intelligence in that town and
+arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of the troops, the
+forts, and the ships there; and it was determined to strike a blow which
+should shake the British power in its centre.
+
+That a frigate of the size of the “Repudiator” should enter the harbor
+unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the notions of
+even American temerity. But upon the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the
+“Repudiator” sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover
+of which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle
+of Wight. To surprise the Martello Tower and take the feeble garrison
+thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain and a few of his blue-jackets.
+The surprised garrison laid down their arms before him.
+
+It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by Lieutenant
+Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and in another hour
+were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenges of
+the “Thetis” and the “Amphion” frigates, and the “Polyanthus” brig.
+
+There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board the
+Flag-ship lying in the harbor. A banquet had been given in honor of the
+birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of the Guelphs--the
+reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All
+on board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The Flag-ship was
+plunged in a deathlike and drunken sleep. The very officer of the watch
+was intoxicated: he could not see the “Repudiator's” boats as they shot
+swiftly through the waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as
+they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship.
+
+At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the “Royal
+George”--the Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet. The hatches
+were down. The ship was in possession of the “Repudiator's” crew. They
+were busy in her rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of
+the harbor. The well-known heave of the men at the windlass woke up
+Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We know, or rather do not know, the
+result; for who can tell by whom the lower-deck ports of the brave ship
+were opened, and how the haughty prisoners below sunk the ship and its
+conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the Republic!
+
+Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. His tale was told
+to his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its publication;
+and it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it to me, his
+grandson, on his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday.
+
+
+
+
+A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL.
+
+IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST BROWN TO THE EMINENT NOVELIST
+SNOOKS.
+
+
+“CAFE DES AVEUGLES.
+
+“MY DEAR SNOOKS,--I am on the look-out here for materials for original
+comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in the
+course of my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which
+I think will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable
+novel, 'The Mysteries of May Fair,' to an end--(by the way, the scene,
+in the 200th number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit
+Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)--and, of
+course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and we may
+expect that your pen shall not be idle.
+
+“The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the
+French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and, indeed,
+I found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French
+literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the
+invention. He and an advertisement agent fell out about a question of
+money, the affair was brought before the courts, and the little plot so
+got wind. But there is no reason why you should not take the plot and
+act on it yourself. You are a known man; the public relishes your works;
+anything bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses; and
+though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay you handsomely, I make no
+doubt you would like to be rewarded at a still higher figure.
+
+“Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days is
+good for nothing. This one writes with a socialist purpose; that with
+a conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most delicate
+skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a
+Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with Low Church remedies
+to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down unsuspiciously, as
+children do calomel in jelly. Fiction advocates all sorts of truth
+and causes--doesn't the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in
+everything? M. Gonzales's plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear
+Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement novel. Look over The Times
+or the 'Directory,' walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day--see
+what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication with
+their proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your studs, and the tip
+on your chin, I don't know any greater swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into
+the shops, I say, ask for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying,
+'I am the great Snooks; I am the author of the “Mysteries of May Fair;”
+ my weekly sale is 281,000; I am about to produce a new work called “The
+Palaces of Pimlico, or the Curse of the Court,” describing and lashing
+fearlessly the vices of the aristocracy; this book will have a sale
+of at least 530,000; it will be on every table--in the boudoir of the
+pampered duke, as in the chamber of the honest artisan. The myriads of
+foreigners who are coming to London, and are anxious to know about our
+national manners, will purchase my book, and carry it to their distant
+homes. So, Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how much
+will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel?' You may make
+a noble income in this way, Snooks.
+
+“For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what more
+delightful, than the description of upholstery? As thus:--
+
+“'Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous
+ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes, when
+Lord Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of Tomkins's
+elastic Axminster carpets. “Good heavens, my lord!” she said--and the
+lovely creature fainted. The Earl rushed to the mantel-piece, where he
+saw a flacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and,' &c.
+
+“Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as
+easily, as thus:--
+
+“'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately at
+his wife, 'but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble wants?
+The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or Gobiggin's, but we can get
+our rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's for 20L.' And putting
+on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her husband, the stoker's
+pretty bride tripped gayly to the well-known mart, where Timmonson,
+within his usual affability, was ready to receive them.
+
+“Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. 'Where
+did you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or what you
+please?' said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The
+voluptuous Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So-and-So's.' The answer
+is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your larder in this way.
+Begad, Snooks! I lick my lips at the very idea.
+
+“Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a
+word for them! Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington with
+an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple
+but aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the secret. Parvy
+Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent and
+crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don't you see what a
+stroke of business you might do in this way.
+
+“The shoemaker.--Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the
+ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by
+Chevillett of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and
+
+“The hairdresser.--'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said the
+Earl. 'I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has not a single
+gray hair.' Wiggins laughed. 'My good Lord Baldock,' said the old wag,
+'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of Ducroissant's shop, and under his
+valet's arm--ho! ho! ho!'--and the two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count
+passed by, talking with, &c. &c.
+
+“The gunmaker.--'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed before
+his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one of Clicker's
+manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the maker and the
+weapon. “One, two, THREE,” cried O'Tool, and the two pistols went off at
+that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Lifeguardsman,' &c.--A
+sentence of this nature from your pen, my dear Snooks, would, I should
+think, bring a case of pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your
+lodgings; and, though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you
+might sell them, you know, and we could make merry with the proceeds.
+
+“If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear
+Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember your
+friend.”
+
+
+
+
+THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ.,
+
+WITH HIS LETTERS.
+
+
+A LUCKY SPECULATOR.
+
+
+“Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower circles
+in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which has befallen
+James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family in Berkeley
+Square.
+
+“One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a banker in
+the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said he had saved
+a little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to invest his
+savings to advantage.
+
+“His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, the
+well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, Diddler,
+and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of his
+savings, wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty
+guineas--the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings,
+and perfumery--Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by anything.
+
+“Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN
+RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand
+pounds. He had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from
+a fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley
+Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having instructed
+the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to apply at the
+area-bell.
+
+“Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P.
+by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the
+breakfast which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently invited
+him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss
+Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid the
+lucky gentleman MARKED ATTENTION.
+
+“We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de la
+Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which he has
+started bears the ancient coat of his race.
+
+“He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of
+thirty-three railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the next
+general election on decidedly conservative principles, which have always
+been the politics of his family.
+
+“Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy had
+remarked his high demeanor. Well, 'None but the brave,' say we, 'deserve
+the fair.'”--Morning Paper.
+
+This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been put
+into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, they are
+written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire borrowed the sum
+on which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with sympathy
+at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such artless
+language?
+
+
+If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor
+callous; if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr. Plush
+will do her justice.
+
+     * The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers
+     were first published.
+
+
+     “JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.
+
+           “A HELIGY.
+
+
+          “Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate,
+            Come all ye ladies maids so fair--     Vile I a story
+          vill relate
+            Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square.
+          A tighter lad, it is confest,
+            Neer valked with powder in his air,
+          Or vore a nosegay in his breast,
+            Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+          “O Evns! it vas the best of sights,
+            Behind his Master's coach and pair,
+          To see our Jeames in red plush tights,
+            A driving hoff from Buckley Square.
+          He vel became his hagwilletts,
+            He cocked his at with SUCH a hair;
+          His calves and viskers VAS such pets,
+            That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+          “He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell,
+            And o! I vithered vith despair,
+          Missis VOULD ring the parler bell,
+            And call up Jeames in Buckley Square.
+          Both beer and sperrits he abhord,
+            (Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,)
+          You would have thought he vas a lord
+            Down in our All in Buckley Square.
+
+          “Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann,
+            Ven I've an under'd pound to spare,
+          To take a public is my plan,
+            And leave this hojous Buckley Square.'
+          O how my gentle heart did bound,
+            To think that I his name should bear.
+          'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound;
+            And gev them him in Buckley Square.
+
+          “Our master vas a City gent,
+            His name's in railroads everywhere,
+          And lord, vot lots of letters vent
+            Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square:
+          My Jeames it was the letters took,
+            And read them all, (I think it's fair,)
+          And took a leaf from Master's book,
+            As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square.
+
+          Encouraged with my twenty pound,
+            Of which poor I was unavare,
+          He wrote the Companies all round,
+            And signed hisself from Buckley Square.
+          And how John Porter used to grin,
+            As day by day, share after share,
+          Came railvay letters pouring in,
+            'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.'
+
+          “Our servants' All was in a rage--
+             Scrip, stock,
+          curves, gradients, bull and bear,
+          Vith butler, coachman, groom and page,
+            Vas all the talk in Buckley Square.
+          But O! imagine vot I felt
+            Last Vensday veek as ever were;
+          I gits a letter, which I spelt
+            'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.'
+
+          “He sent me back my money true--
+             He sent me back my lock of air,
+          And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew
+            To Mary Hann and Buckley Square.
+          Think not to marry, foolish Hann,
+            With people who your betters are;
+          James Plush is now a gentleman,
+            And you--a cook in Buckley Square.
+
+          “'I've thirty thousand guineas won,
+            In six short months, by genus rare;
+          You little thought what Jeames was on,
+            Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square.
+          I've thirty thousand guineas net,
+            Powder and plush I scorn to vear;
+          And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget
+            For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'”
+
+*****
+
+The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a flood
+of tears.
+
+
+
+A LETTER FROM “JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.”
+
+
+“ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845.
+
+“SIR,--Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to state
+that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was your abbit
+to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the delligit
+feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have NO IDEER of being
+made the subject of newspaper criticism.
+
+“I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my name
+in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the HINMOST
+PASHSN OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the
+public emusemint.
+
+“What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies of my
+engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their rupsher?
+Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN A DOGGRIL BALLIT
+impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY time at least, Mary Hann
+could only sign her + mark (has I've hoften witnist it for her when she
+paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and
+making POATRY, she was as HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself.
+
+“With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a footman
+in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my affections
+to Mary Hann--a feller not five foot six, and with no more calves to his
+legs than a donkey--who was always a-ritin (having been a doctor's boy)
+and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well recklex) at the
+3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but of me. He has
+signed Miss H's name to his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself
+hopen to a haction for libel for insutting them in your paper.
+
+“It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I
+borrowed 20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. Can hall
+people say as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed? No. And I not
+only paid it back, but giv her the andsomest pres'nts: WHICH I NEVER
+SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO, but for this attack. Fust, a silver thimble
+(which I found in Missus's work-box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems;
+third, I halways brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of
+which she was remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice,
+(and halways a srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT
+ATTENTIONS, which I sapose count for NOTHINK.
+
+“Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable. I
+was gone into a new spear of life--mingling with my native aristoxy.
+I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his a hilliterit
+cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank
+genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i's upon a low-born
+gal, I needn say it's only a tempory distraction, pore passy le tong. So
+much for HER claims upon me. Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR'S BOY he's
+unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman.
+
+“That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow much
+has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and what was
+his cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated Jewdicious,
+and ham what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, and praps you
+haven't)--So may you be: if you choose to go in & win.
+
+“I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a hundred
+instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of hosses
+I bought (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in hany
+curracle,) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my
+transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my
+Dublin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, and I've jest
+sold him at 1/4 discount.
+
+“At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my
+stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a
+confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber--He curls my air; inspex my
+accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my
+TRENT VALLY, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which
+injuiced me to ingage him.
+
+“Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge--I have two
+handsom suvvices for dinner--the goold plate for Sundays, and the silver
+for common use. When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to my man, 'we
+will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else
+the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' I bought them after realizing on
+the abuf lines, and if people suppose that the companys made me a presnt
+of the plate, how can I help it?
+
+“In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid
+Hexeter!' or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!' HE knows what I
+mean: it's the wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of my
+connexshn with those two railroads.
+
+“So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand
+Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened
+(provisionally) Rosamell--from the French line of which I am Director;
+and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, 'Doctor,' says I
+to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult you because my Midlands are
+out of horder; and I want you to send them up to a premium.' The Doctor
+lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s.
+
+“But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has been
+to CLEAR MY CARRATER--to show that I came by my money in a honrable way:
+that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned it, and ham indeed
+grateful for my good fortune.
+
+“To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I
+don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You
+are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more
+than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; but the primmier
+being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. Consurvative
+though I be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS before the next Election, when I
+intend to hoffer myself as a Candydick for Parlymint.
+
+“Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir,
+
+“Your most obeajnt Survnt,
+
+“FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE.”
+
+
+
+THE DIARY.
+
+
+One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office,
+evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He had no
+flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were certainly two days
+old. He had not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his
+great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of
+the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation
+to fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit to adorn himself.
+
+“How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?” said we pleasantly, greeting our esteemed
+contributor.
+
+“Scrip be ----,” replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat, and
+a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and walked
+about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers, and
+showing other signs of agitation. At last, “MR. PUNCH,” says he, after
+a moment's hesitation, “I wish to speak to you on a pint of businiss.
+I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper. Suckmstances is
+altered with me. I--I--in a word, CAN you lend me --L. for the account?”
+
+He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to mention
+it here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs. Pump and
+Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest fellow's eyes. He
+squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting to a cab,
+he plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the City.
+
+Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open
+pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we took
+an inventory. It contained--three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor's ditto,
+unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six
+thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we take,
+on an average, to be 1/4 discount; and in an old bit of paper tied with
+pink ribbon a lock of chestnut hair, with the initials M. A. H.
+
+In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the
+proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are insignificant:
+as, for instance:--“3rd January--Our beer in the Suvnts' hall so
+PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely MUSS give warning,
+& wood, but for my dear Mary Hann. February 7--That broot Screw, the
+Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary Hann boxt his hold hears, &
+served him right. I DATEST Screw,”--and so forth. Then the diary relates
+to Stock Exchange operations, until we come to the time when, having
+achieved his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and his
+livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman upon town. It
+is from the latter part of his diary that we make the following
+
+
+EXTRAX:--
+
+
+“Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that by
+the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a summ of
+20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann depreshiating
+the qualaty of his own mackyrel?)--wen I enounced my abrup intention
+to cut--you should have sean the sensation among hall the people! Cook
+wanted to know whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or the slise of the
+breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a
+hinsalant hoverbaring beest,) begged me to walk into the Hupper
+Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the
+coachmin, eld out his and, & said, 'Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling
+betwigst you & me, & I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.'
+
+“The sickofnts!--that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper
+ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I'm
+remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him for his
+precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry (he never
+would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs); and in
+regard of Visp--why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest hoffered
+to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused. Gentlemen
+and ladies,' says I, as haughty as may be, 'there's nothink that I
+want for that I can't go for to buy with my hown money, and take at my
+lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh
+myself in the KITCHING.' And so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these
+minnial domestics; and ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back,
+brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries
+for hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames
+Street, and which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks.
+
+“There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious to
+evoid a persnal leave-taking--Mary Hann Oggins, I mean--for my art is
+natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I'd given
+her previous the infamation of my departure--doing the ansom thing by
+her at the same time--paying her back 20 lb., which she'd lent me 6
+months before: and paying her back not only the interest, but I gave
+her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by way of boanus.
+'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions
+in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for has for your marrying a
+person in my rank, that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I wish you a
+good-by, my good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer
+to me.'
+
+“Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable kind),
+but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into somethink
+betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on the kitching
+dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room
+bell. Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & things, & my check
+for 20lb. 10s., on the tabil when she went to hanser the bell. And now
+I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her own room nex but one to mine,
+vith the dore open, peraps expecting I should come in and say good-by.
+But, as soon as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring
+Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting
+permission to take leaf of my lady & the famly before my departure.”
+
+*****
+
+“How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what a
+sweet gal she was--hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then she
+hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I
+don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly's his--and has for
+a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a Halbino, and her face looks as if
+it were dipt in a brann mash. How she squeeged my & as she went away!
+
+“Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and hivory,
+and I's as blew as Evin.
+
+“I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb--been resolved to hact
+the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!”
+
+
+“25th.--I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and have
+past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new soots of
+close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise
+me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a footman in disguise
+hafter all.'”
+
+
+“28th.--Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a wopper
+at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out 'Bravo,'
+some 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says I, at which
+heverybody laft.
+
+“I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms in
+goold on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold waistcoat and
+dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia
+Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double-barreld opera-glas, so big,
+that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the other cabb.
+
+“What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four gals are
+faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all that they
+can do, and somethink they can't. There's an indiscrible grace about
+her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams.
+
+“Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on the
+fourth tear?
+
+“What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there!
+
+“P.S.--Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per cent
+this very day.”
+
+
+“2nd July.--Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me,
+Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion, Honorable
+Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John's carridge there in
+coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I'm obleged to
+get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his. The gettin on
+hossback agin is halways the juice & hall. Just as I was on, Desperation
+begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his
+anches, that I'm blest if I didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at
+which Ballybunnion & the hother chaps rord with lafter.
+
+“As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St. Helena
+direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon Junction,' from
+Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup heagerly.”
+
+
+“6th July.--Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh bords
+of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils through
+Snowding and Plinlimming.
+
+“Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd in the
+vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks; Welsh rabbit
+after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he went strummint on
+his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me.
+
+“It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried it,
+and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue i's. Why
+HAM I always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is sasiety, it's lors is
+irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a serving-made. What would
+Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say?
+
+“P.S.--I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money,
+& halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,'
+Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is the
+best in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and seventeen pound
+sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' Richmond, with the Countess
+St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of French could I
+speak, and in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself halmost
+sick with heating hices and desert, while the hothers were chattering
+and parlyvooing.
+
+“Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we were
+more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-beer
+betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with hall this
+splender!”--
+
+
+“July 24.--My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely and
+chasely furnished--the droring-room with yellow satting and silver for
+the chairs and sophies--hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink velvet
+& goold borders and fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, embroydered
+with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c., as handsome as goold
+can make them, and candle-sticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew.
+
+“The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round igspanding
+table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any number from 8 to
+24--to which it is my wish to restrict my parties. Curtings crimsing
+damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men
+decorats the wall--namely, the Duke of Wellington. There's four of his
+Grace. For I've remarked that if you wish to pass for a man of weight
+and considdration you should holways praise and quote him. I have a
+valluble one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert--has a Field
+Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are
+daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & the
+Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars
+has made me Capting.
+
+“The Libery is not yet done.
+
+“But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see it!
+such a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with Walanseens
+Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored tapers. Goold
+dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold with
+curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by a goold Qpid who
+seems always a smilin angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed on my
+piller hall sarounded with the finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth
+under him, 2 groombs, and a fimmale for the House. I've 7 osses: in cors
+if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment.
+
+“N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.;
+Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the new
+lines in prospick equily incouraging.
+
+“People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us fashnabble
+gents about townd--But I can tell 'em it's not hall goold that
+glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour ours of studdy
+and reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la Pluche,
+Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly
+stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into the
+Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover the
+exorcisin ground in the Park,--they little think that leader of the
+tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a careworn mann! and yet so it is.
+
+“Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at double
+quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy.
+
+“First,--in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman reely is,
+I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go through it 4
+times mor.
+
+“I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and & a sure seat
+across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding
+Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've suffered
+from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra.
+
+“Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have been
+surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the apartmince of
+Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my dancing-master.
+From six to nine we have walces and polkies--at nine, 'mangtiang
+& depotment,' as he calls it & the manner of hentering a room,
+complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting yourself at table. At
+nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to a party), I make my bow--my
+master (he's a Marquis in France, and ad misfortins, being connected
+with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me--I hadwance--speak abowt the
+weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cussory manner.
+Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann--we precede to the festive
+bord--complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind,
+addressing your neighbor, employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And
+then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat like
+a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well--soon I shall be able to
+inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr.
+Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of Hancient
+Rum;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself.
+
+“The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins then,
+reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts--Barnits as many as I
+chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form a member. Last
+Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my friends: the display was
+sumptious; the company reshershy. Everything that Dellixy could suggest
+was provided by Gunter. I had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess
+of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be
+called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H---- is the Railway
+King,) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the great
+Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust of
+the fashn. I was in my GLOARY--the dear Countess and Lady Blanche was
+dying with lauffing at my joax and fun--I was keeping the whole table in
+a roar--when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly Fitzwarren,
+my man, henters with an air of constanation. 'Theres somebody at the
+door,' says he in a visper.
+
+“'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of a
+husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this time
+I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)--And so,
+going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing Mr. &
+Mrs. Blodder.
+
+“I turned gashly pail. The table--the guests--the Countiss--Towrouski,
+and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated I's. IT WAS MY
+GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common, and
+he--he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.
+
+“Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But the
+unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, Huncle
+Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm!
+
+“Phansy my feelinx.”
+
+
+“Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the room:
+you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. Old Grann
+looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental splender,
+and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the company as
+respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says--'Crikey, Jeames, you've
+got a better birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and
+powder line.' 'Try a few of them plovers hegs, sir,' I says, whishing,
+I'm asheamed to say, that somethink would choke huncle B---; 'and I
+hope, mam, now you've ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment
+won't be out of your way.'
+
+“This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and because
+in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady,
+which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my schooling; she got
+up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & many a lb; and manys
+the time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea. But never
+mind THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you must be tired hafter your walk.'
+
+“'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, & I came in, in THE
+CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren, intarupting her. And
+I will say the feller showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt
+momink; for he'd halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full
+of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies.
+
+“'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that sly
+wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle hold Lady,
+pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take
+a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to
+horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit
+rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the elth of the
+company, giving a smack with her lipps after she'd emtied the glas,
+which very nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me,
+she didn't igspose herself much farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing
+her to take another glas, I cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old
+Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!'
+and got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another
+word. The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy.
+
+“The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at
+the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, got up
+to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to
+conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it
+stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the footmin in
+peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred apiece;--and there
+stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing,
+Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint
+should come out.
+
+“Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone,
+the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid as
+a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they witnessed the
+sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going
+away with the Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to me and
+said, 'Mr. De la Pluche, you are a much better man than I took you to
+be. Though her Ladyship IS horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take
+gin for breakfast, don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for
+honoring their father & mother.'
+
+“And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all the
+good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a trump
+for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills said she
+should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. But
+it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff.
+
+“There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I muss
+say, I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those fine ladies
+in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one of em can hold a
+candle to Mary Hann.'”
+
+
+“Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they har
+at my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow me out of
+the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I'm worth half a
+millium. The number of lines they're putting me upon is inkumseavable.
+I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire,
+looks splendid in a perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two
+thowsnd.
+
+“How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into Lady
+Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and cries
+out, 'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she complyments me on
+my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit, and
+always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff
+as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as poor as Joab--even he condysends
+to be sivvle to the great De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's,
+lately, in his sollom, pompus way, 'to faver him with five minutes'
+conversation.' I knew what was coming--application for shares--put him
+down on my private list. Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing
+through Bareacres--hoped I'd come down and shoot there.
+
+“I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There, old
+Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a footman.
+There, old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing
+and begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a VERY public place, I take
+my change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs, or slap his padded old
+shoulders. I call him, 'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince. It
+does my art good.
+
+“I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. Lady
+Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her right, of
+course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in
+my fassanating way--full of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy
+plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked me to drink
+shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw Charles Wackles (with
+womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers' house) grinning over his
+shoulder at the butler.
+
+“The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the hall, he
+came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish visper. 'Just
+come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for you, my old boy.' So
+I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I was
+going to give him a sovaring.
+
+“'I think you said “Jeames,” Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at
+dinner?'
+
+“'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.'
+
+“'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just one on
+the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd been shot.
+And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning
+scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb.”
+
+
+“Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, Earl
+Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self & that
+noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of
+about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the
+cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a pickewlear
+fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather, and other
+hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting in the places where
+the rox and stones don't prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable
+fine, and the land is also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges--much
+more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset or any of that rubbishing
+sort of timber: indeed the sile is of that fine natur, that timber
+refuses to grow there altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this
+land (the igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares)--a very handsom price
+for land which never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient
+to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which
+he had given them. James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust
+time a landed propriator--or rayther, I should say, is about to reshume
+the rank & dignity in the country which his Hancestors so long occupied.
+
+“I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the Squallop
+Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered on the North
+by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby Growler; on the
+South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a young feller of great
+emagination, womb we have employed to make a survey of the Great
+Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton
+Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is
+reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and
+circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with boatsful
+of nobillaty and musitions floting on its placid sufface--and a curricle
+is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or
+perhaps Lady Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going
+to form a noble kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my
+family once more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some
+sentries separated us. I have dreams of that sort.
+
+“I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL, standing
+in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with a serting
+butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames and
+lady Hangelina de la Pluche! Ho! what will the old washywoman, my
+grandmother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and shall too by my
+honor as a Gent.”
+
+
+“As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to give
+5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer in
+vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't Squallop lie
+amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End,
+through which cities our line passes? I will have 400,000 lb. for that
+mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little barging too
+for my friend the Erl. The line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre
+Park. He shall have a good compensation I promis you; and then I shall
+get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a
+horrid state.”
+
+
+[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no
+interest to the public:--Memoranda of City dinners--meetings of
+Directors--fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and
+nearly always by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose
+“pompossaty,” as previously described, seems to have almost entirely
+subsided.]
+
+
+We then come to the following:--
+
+
+“With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett the
+following news:--
+
+“'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of Diddlesex.
+
+“'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'”
+
+
+“'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.
+
+“'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice Blowhard,
+promoted.”'
+
+
+“And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator--a Deppaty Leftnant--a
+Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my
+country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and me at the head of
+my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd extonish 'em! How the
+gals will stare when they see me in youniform! How Mary Hann would--but
+nonsince! I'm halways thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's.
+She couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's
+got a good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss,
+or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my
+granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on
+Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she's sent it
+back, sealed with a thimbill.”
+
+
+Tuesday.--Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B----, rellatiff to my
+presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that hospicious
+seramony:--
+
+
+“'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,--I THINK you had better be presented as a
+Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know what the
+uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince
+of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray jackets, leathers,
+red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with leopard-skin
+and a white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of eighteen inches. That
+dress will hardly answer at present, and must be modified, of coarse. We
+were called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly
+recommend the Deputy Lieutenant.
+
+“'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-room.
+Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, who will be
+presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to
+make your acquaintance.
+
+“'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake, my
+dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige
+
+“'Yours, very gratefully,
+
+“'BAREACRES.'
+
+
+“Note.--Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M for
+the cavvlery.”
+
+
+“Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that
+month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my gracious
+Sovarink.
+
+“Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my busm
+was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them thinking
+of the great ewent--or if igsosted natur DID clothes my highlids--the
+eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls,
+presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my dreembs
+unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never surely igseeded
+that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I actially dremt that Her
+R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit
+Counsel to detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on me or the Prins
+of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or Germing zion of
+nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious ideer.
+
+“I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented
+to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The
+Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like
+the--the--livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear before
+entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of wearing one. My
+detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry Cavilry Hoffiser, in
+the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas.
+
+“Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself quite
+hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as shuited the
+presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig-tales was out of the
+question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. My legg is praps the finist
+pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle.
+
+“I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have seen
+Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go
+there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have
+myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.
+
+“Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold tassels as
+bigg as belpulls.
+
+“Jackit--French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according to the
+old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & settin hoff the
+cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY.
+
+“A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus
+steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered pocket
+ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, without vannaty, was, I
+flatter myself, UNEAK.
+
+“But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. The
+huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet &
+Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery Brittn;
+an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins; an At
+which VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane etempted to run down. I
+chose the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of
+loilty, intending to SURPRISE him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex
+Yomingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a
+shaving-brush.
+
+“You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect to
+practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say.
+
+“This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made
+Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord
+in Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair
+to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my secknd man,
+standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort.
+Hall the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la Pluche, presented by Herl
+Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins
+to the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty
+towards the British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus
+Simiter WOULD git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery
+disagreeble)--rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but
+respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated backards
+out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym
+the night before my presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with
+the sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night. By abowt six o'clock in the
+morning I was drest in my full uniform; and I didnt know how to pass the
+interveaning hours.
+
+“'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will rejoice
+that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in life. Has I
+ave read in the novle of “Kennleworth,” that the Herl goes down in Cort
+dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down in all my splender and
+astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.' To make this detummination;
+to horder my Broom; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to
+bring it; was with me the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a
+cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing.
+
+“I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with the
+cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed through
+the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy
+ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the
+apartmint.
+
+“There was a smell of tea there--there's always a smell of tea
+there--the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her; but
+ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann!
+
+“I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to me
+subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did when you
+arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were
+diwine!'
+
+“R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions in
+the groce carriketure he's made of me.” *
+
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+*****
+
+“Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my hentrance to
+St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish Hambasdor himself was
+not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out.
+
+“As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved
+to come to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as a
+charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which
+I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it,) and
+2 fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up St.
+Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hadycongs--the people huzzaying--the gals
+waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins--hall the winders
+crowdid to see me pass.
+
+“The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came, for
+the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with presented
+harms.
+
+“What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from Desperation.
+I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I
+past into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs.
+
+“You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the
+suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one
+who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our reckonized
+instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying round
+my Thrown.
+
+“Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,--when I sor on
+the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to admire
+womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased with an
+imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe--my trembling knees halmost
+rifused their hoffis--I reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting
+in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd to be
+standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him,
+igspecially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall
+say nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT
+HE ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I introjuiced
+myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps
+ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy.
+
+“But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had the
+inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, that
+Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht Lady
+Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey
+de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in the
+Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T.,
+Lord Leftnant of the County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was
+with her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never
+lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty
+the Lady Hangelina was the fairest Star--in that reath of Loveliness
+the sweetest Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been
+senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge disappeared
+in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of Hangelina.
+
+“Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow--a grand and hawfle pusnage
+her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge
+phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly
+bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so delighted to make
+your acquaintance. I have often heard of you.'
+
+“'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the fair
+Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see I've not
+studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces,
+without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.)
+
+“'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY old
+friend of yours.'
+
+“'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty--
+
+“'Hoggins--Mary Ann Hoggins'--ansurred my lady (laffing phit to splitt
+her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I'm afraid you
+are a very sad, sad person.'
+
+“'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with that
+young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for hever,
+and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.'
+
+“'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all dying to
+know.”
+
+“'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,' says I,
+looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations
+of my smile.
+
+“'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes
+standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of the Countess of
+Bareacres' train?'--'Never mind Mamma's train' (said Lady Hangelina):
+'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all our
+fortunes--yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me present you to Captain
+George Silvertop,'--The Capting bent just one jint of his back very
+slitely; I retund his stare with equill hottiness. 'Go and see for Lady
+Bareacres' carridge, George,' says his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a
+cousin of ours--a poor relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when
+he came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems
+a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting.”
+
+
+“Thusday Night.--O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments
+daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia
+Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in
+her raving Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what was my
+sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with
+my glas!
+
+“She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however--would scarcely speek;
+although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it
+was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the box. As if he
+didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) that
+people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty.”
+
+
+“Friday.--I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the
+folloring lines--there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that she's fond
+of. I edapted them to that mellady.
+
+“She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the
+pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick; said I
+sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); and, on her
+rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my pom:
+
+          “'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS.
+
+          “'When moonlike ore the hazure seas
+             In soft effulgence swells,
+            When silver jews and balmy breaze
+             Bend down the Lily's bells;
+            When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
+             Has lapt your soal in dreems,
+            R Hangeline!  R lady mine!
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+          “'I mark thee in the Marble All,
+             Where Englands loveliest shine--
+            I say the fairest of them hall
+             Is Lady Hangeline.
+            My soul, in desolate eclipse,
+             With recollection teems--
+            And then I hask, with weeping lips
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+          “'Away! I may not tell thee hall
+             This soughring heart endures--
+            There is a lonely sperrit-call
+             That Sorrow never cures;
+            There is a little, little Star,
+             That still above me beams;
+            It is the Star of Hope--but ar!
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?'
+
+
+“When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I threw
+such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at the hend,
+that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium
+seized her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard
+her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor.
+
+“O Hangelina--My adord one, My Arts joy!” . . .
+
+
+“BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet Southdown, B's
+eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting (who seems to
+git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have beene down into
+Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there.
+
+“Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent
+boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the
+Edges with a pistle)--I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot,
+and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery,
+which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded in itting the
+hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker's 'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns
+at Mantings, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most
+gawjus and ellygant sportting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold
+cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered
+satting, a weskit of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter
+tartn, (with large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses,
+and sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes,
+was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff
+my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal
+istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with
+Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my
+dressing-case and close.
+
+“I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad
+Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk of
+the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst
+'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where
+I made a speech droring tears from heavery i. It was in compliment to a
+layborer who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years
+on the istate on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my
+station. I shook hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told
+him that the purshuit of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of
+humannaty: I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of
+my hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a
+pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket,
+as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brought
+them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down defning chears
+selewted the horator; the band struck up 'The Good Old English
+Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina waived her
+ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in the distans that pore Mary Hann
+efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints.”
+
+
+“What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady Hangelina's
+company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded gownds and retired
+caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her which is puffickly
+admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss,
+creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . . Shor! I MUSTN'T give way
+to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me
+but a mear recklection--a vishn of former ears?
+
+“I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. I
+met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a
+melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was
+eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient demean.
+
+“'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I--'A penny for your Ladyship's
+thought,' says I.
+
+“'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice, with
+a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my thoughts are,
+well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us
+were poo--poo--oor,' says Mary Hann, busting out in a phit of crying, a
+thing I can't ebide. I took her and tried to cumft her: I pinted out
+the diffrents of our sitawashns; igsplained to her that proppaty has
+its jewties as well as its previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to
+marry into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going
+hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up--'The real Siming
+Pewer,' as they say in the play.
+
+“There they stood together--them two young women. I don't know which is
+the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt help comparing
+myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found it difficklt to
+make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A.”
+
+
+“That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren--my oan man--a feller I've maid
+a fortune for--a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!--a low bred
+Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and treating
+me to his imperence.
+
+“He's a great big athlatic feller--six foot i, with a pair of black
+whiskers like air-brushes--with a look of a Colonel in the harmy--a
+dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome
+from shuiting this hafternoon--and passing through Lady Hangelina's
+flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann
+pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to her?
+
+“'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money. We'll
+take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a purse-proud
+ungrateful fellow like Jeames--who's such a snob ['such a SNOB' was his
+very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him--who's the laughing stock
+of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too--try a MAN,' says
+he--'don't be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.'
+
+“Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust out a
+laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and intarupt this
+polite convasation.
+
+“I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to the
+young woman--and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to remain.'
+
+“'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller--all the
+colors of the ranebo.
+
+“'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I.
+
+“'It's not your livery,' says he.
+
+“'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I,
+unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my jackit,
+Joe,' says I to the boy,--and put myself in a hattitude about which
+there was NO MISTAYK.
+
+*****
+
+“He's 2 stone heavier than me--and knows the use of his ands as well
+as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb can't stand
+before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, I've little doubt,
+but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had more than 2
+rounds.
+
+“I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm writing
+this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to dinner on
+account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and disfiggrs me
+dreadfl.”
+
+
+“On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter
+with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with
+the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form
+an agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard
+pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable; and
+(has the Poick well observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the Fare')
+I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory
+disfiggarment.
+
+“It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my
+phisticoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis: but
+of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting
+Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley.
+
+“Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits
+during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me messidges by
+her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was always
+sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin
+hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship would perscribe--then,
+agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses,
+pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina
+could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear
+mothers! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or
+to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give
+a man! You'd have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi),
+that I couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies,
+and blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I
+ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the
+kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, and
+sacrafised myself for her dear sayk.
+
+“I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and his
+son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, and hoped
+soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland.
+
+“'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent father.
+'You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and those of my
+Lady Bareacres; but I am not--not quite certain about Lady Angelina's
+feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of
+prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able to make Angelina
+understand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate
+about love and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than
+theirs know how to estimate.'
+
+“'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out at
+this outrayjus ideer.
+
+“'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,--your
+admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father's
+wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our family.'
+
+“'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,--'a barging's a barging--I'll
+pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a STRAYNGER'--(this
+I said in a sarcastickle toan)--'I wouldn't take such a LIBBATY. When
+I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of your estayt. I'll make your
+incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the ouse of Bareacres to
+its herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting
+bisniss imployed by Jeames De la Pluche, Esquire.'
+
+“And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest
+scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my
+shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral
+thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize
+till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to found a new family of
+Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country.
+
+“These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. 'If
+you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have married
+you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a marter to
+dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.'
+
+“There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and Lady
+Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow you were,
+Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I liked), 'in
+your fight with Fitzwarren--to engage a man of twice your strength
+and science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this is an etroashous
+folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 minnits), 'for the sake of
+poor Mary Hann! That's a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to
+eminence like you, having his heart in the right place. When is to be
+the marriage, my boy?'
+
+“'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a
+precious sight more than you;'--and I gev him to understand I didn't
+want him to put in HIS ore--I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, I prommis
+you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as brayv as Bonypert,
+Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well as any Evy
+drigoon of 'em all.
+
+“Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la
+Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that you
+will be happy with a person like me?'
+
+“'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any such
+thing.'
+
+“'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep your
+eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you
+begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you don't marry
+her, and perhaps some one else's--but you don't mind THAT.'
+
+“'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for Mary
+Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy. Once for
+all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a pang to part
+with her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), 'but part from her
+I must.'
+
+“It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina, that
+melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml--yet
+she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all.
+
+“'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up Josephine.
+What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!'
+
+“'It does,' says I--'Hagnies!' (Another laff.)
+
+“'And if--if I don't accept you--you will invade the States of the
+Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion of
+peace between you!'
+
+“'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors your
+Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers morgidged; that
+if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old pawper; that he
+owes me a lot of money; and that I'm the man that can sell him up hoss
+& foot; or set him up agen--THAT'S what I know, Lady Hangelina,' says
+I, with a hair as much as to say, 'Put THAT in your ladyship's pipe and
+smoke it.'
+
+“And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced--
+
+“'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--We hear that a matrimonial union is on the
+tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the Railway
+World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated
+in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.'”
+
+
+“Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the fealinx
+of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by the hideer of
+my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the
+fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to give me hup, for we
+Gents are creechers of vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit
+secks; and betwigst you and me there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht
+that I'd been borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have
+permitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd
+to be appy with ony one.
+
+“Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my defianced
+bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery the great
+Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a gent of my
+qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning Erald--no, no, I'm
+not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit infamation) an account of my
+famly, my harms and pedigry.
+
+“I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my arms
+and my adord wife's was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks of me and
+her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to be the
+gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man of fashn
+wasn't compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis
+I presented to Hangelina. It's not considered flattring--and though SHE
+parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young
+lady (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her
+hi.
+
+“Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about
+a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by Maryhann,
+though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it & pressing it to
+her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't got your angellick
+smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.'
+
+“Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her
+mamma, though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the 'Book of
+Bewty' the same year.
+
+“With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her--but
+the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted in a gitar
+supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and her brother
+Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering
+stanzys about her:--
+
+     “LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT.
+
+     “BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN.
+
+     “The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
+     Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
+     I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er,
+     I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
+     I stood upon the donjon keep--it is a sacred place,--Where
+          floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race;
+     Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
+     There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield.
+
+     “The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck,
+     On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
+     A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray--St.
+          Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day!
+     O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
+     A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince!
+     At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
+     The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears!
+
+     “'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing:
+     O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing!
+     Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
+     And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus!
+     O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear
+     Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
+     I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
+     And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side!
+
+     “Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
+     Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line:
+     Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
+     The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
+     Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile,
+     'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile.
+     I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
+     I'll muse on other days, and wish--and wish I were.--A SNOB.”
+
+“All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle. They're
+always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps; but
+the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his cuttin hoff his
+'strong right hand,' is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit
+hi,--as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a gal; and though he
+may have the art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I'd back my smallest
+cab-boy to lick him,--that is, if I AD a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is
+over.
+
+“Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges
+of the Istry of my life!”
+
+
+“My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn,
+prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though
+mounted on the haypix of Good Luck--feasting hall the great (like the
+Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and
+igsample through life), but not forgitting the small--No, my beayvior to
+my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what
+the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up
+her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a new shoot of close, which he
+ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much to the estonishment of my Snyder
+there, namely an olliffgreen velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a
+crimsn plush weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in
+my disposishn I never should have eluded to, but to show that I am
+naturally of a noble sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which
+is equel to either good or bad forting.
+
+“What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was
+prepayred for my marridge--the consent of the parents of my Hangelina
+was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to
+Himing's halter--the trooso was hordered--the wedding dressis were being
+phitted hon--a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn reddy by
+Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there was such an account for Shantilly
+and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the
+Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls
+I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away--no not by Hiss
+Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind
+shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. The
+honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was
+in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my
+town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-Markit
+which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of
+the misrable Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was
+restored to its elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was
+20 primmium at 2 or 3: and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally,
+had bought very largely for the two or three new accounts.
+
+“This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders
+for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their accounts. I am
+the soal of onour--but no gent can pay when he has no money--it's not MY
+fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred yards
+of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the largist
+Injar Shawls--it's not MY fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods
+back, and that Lady B. declared they were LOST. I began the world afresh
+with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing
+nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though beat,
+with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin.
+
+“Well--it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The 'Ringdove'
+steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle apartmince
+had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare--the
+very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in Ill Street, and the
+Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had
+arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were full of it. Crowds
+of the fashnable world went to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges
+in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting,
+and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet
+ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and Mary
+Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our match, this
+worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and joakt, and
+enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly.
+
+“I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before--aving a multachewd
+of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts to settle:
+atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in horder: my sleap
+was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be
+hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: tride on my wedding close,
+and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly.
+
+“One thing distubbed my mind--two weskts had been sent home. A
+blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet imbridered
+in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated
+and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street and
+cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and
+wear whichever SHE phixt on.
+
+“There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street:
+which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared
+meost uncommon when I kem in--the footman who was to enounce me laft I
+thought--I was going up stairs--
+
+“'Her ladyship's not--not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's hill in
+bed.'
+
+“'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.'
+
+“At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out
+like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the porter jined
+in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, slapping his and on his
+thy, without the least respect--I say, Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good
+un?'
+
+“'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and laffing at
+me?'
+
+“'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'--and
+indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs--her &s
+in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look hod &
+then to grin too.
+
+“'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring
+him fit to throttle him--'no raskle of a flunky shall insult ME,' and
+I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of 'em into the
+hall-chair with a flopp--when Mary Hann, jumping down, says, 'O James! O
+Mr. Plush! read this'--and she pulled out a billy doo.
+
+“I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina.”
+
+
+“Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:--
+
+“'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished pretensions
+which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; and have spared me
+the painful necessity of the step which I am compelled to take. For
+a long time I could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to
+sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot
+undergo the shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last
+hour I remonstrated in vain, and only now anticipate by a few hours, my
+departure from a home from which they themselves were about to expel me.
+
+“'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you
+are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed
+of the step I have taken. And I have my own honor to consult, even
+before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before
+long.
+
+“'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite
+feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. She admires you
+as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you
+to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try--for the sake of your
+sincere friend and admirer, A.
+
+“'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds are
+beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.'
+
+“This was hall!--Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, and
+that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who has
+she gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just
+touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with the
+noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then!
+
+“I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement!
+
+“The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is from the
+Morning Tatler newspaper:--
+
+
+“ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE.
+
+“THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT.
+
+“The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world,
+has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event
+which has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and affliction.
+
+“It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a
+marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl,
+and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been
+the theme of general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was supposed, in all
+human probability would have contained an account of the marriage of
+James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina ----, daughter of
+the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The preparations for this
+ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich
+trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall); the magnificent
+jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant
+marriage cake, which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not
+destined to be eaten by the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb
+carriages, and magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style
+of the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord
+Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials,
+and is staying at Mivart's. What must have been the feelings of that
+venerable prelate, what those of the agonized and noble parents of
+the Lady Angelina--when it was discovered, on the day previous to
+the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal mansion! To the
+venerable Bishop the news of his noble niece's departure might have been
+fatal: we have it from the waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was
+about to indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news was
+brought to him; immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann,
+the celebrated surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond
+Street at the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved
+the exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace,
+Bullocksmithy, tomorrow.
+
+“The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres can
+be imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to
+disturb--impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our
+reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion in
+Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable
+Countess. They have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but
+pardon. One was threatened with a cane; another, in the pursuit of his
+official inquiries, was saluted with a pail of water; a third gentleman
+was menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship's porter; but being
+of an Irish nation, a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of
+Trinity College, Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment confronted
+the menial, and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring
+hotel much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and
+there obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of
+this extraordinary occurrence.
+
+“George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of Lord
+Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:--Lady Angelina had been
+promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide
+that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall. Previous
+to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At
+that period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living
+in the quality of ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P.
+was employed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady
+Angelina--the elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss
+Hoggins who delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of
+his loss.
+
+“Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres, was
+ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a cabriolet from
+the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. 19,796, driven
+by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clonakilty, in the
+neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, according
+to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with his vehicle.
+His young lady, accompanied by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying
+a band-box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what
+were the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain.
+On asking her Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any
+particular direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the
+eminent milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he
+should accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss
+Hoggins to go about his business.
+
+“Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab
+19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with no
+small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln's Inn Fields,
+where he lives with his family of nine children. Having received two
+sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his regular fare, by the
+way, would have been only one-and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out
+with the cab for the two last days, passing them in a state of almost
+ceaseless intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer to
+the queries of our reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a
+compatriot, it is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy
+the curiosity of the public.
+
+“At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A
+GENTLEMAN entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER gentleman
+(meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray trousers, and black
+hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE EUSTON SQUARE STATION,
+and there left them. How he employed his time subsequently we have
+stated.
+
+“At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment
+learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman
+answering the above description had taken places to Derby. We have
+despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and
+shall give his report in a second edition.
+
+
+“SECOND EDITION.
+
+“(From our Reporter.)
+
+“NEWCASTLE, Monday.
+
+“I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and Cucumber
+Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS. JONES, the
+gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box,
+arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to
+SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot,
+as they are putting to.
+
+
+“THIRD EDITION.
+
+“GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening.
+
+“The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock, the
+Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between
+George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third
+son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and Lady
+Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the present Earl of
+Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina
+Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl
+Bareacres.
+
+
+(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book
+of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be
+repeated here.)
+
+
+“After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment
+of sherry and water--the former the Captain pronounced to be execrable;
+and, having myself tasted some glasses from the VERY SAME BOTTLE with
+which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the
+Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the 'Bagpipes Hotel and
+Posting-House,' whence they instantly proceeded. I follow them as soon
+as the horses have fed.
+
+
+“FOURTH EDITION.
+
+“SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER.
+
+“WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight.
+
+“I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the
+newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace, reached
+Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the 'Cairngorm
+Arms'--mine is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of Whistlebinkie.'
+
+“On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of military
+appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in smoking
+a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the
+gentleman in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my boy? You have
+come too late; unless you are come to have some supper;' or words to
+that effect. I explained that I was not the Lord Viscount Southdown,
+and politely apprised Captain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the
+individual before me could be no other) of his mistake.
+
+“'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you, then?'
+said Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's attorneys?
+If you are, you have come too late for the fair.'
+
+“I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my name
+was J--ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the establishment
+of the Morning Tatler newspaper.
+
+“'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked
+my interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank--that the
+disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused
+the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were
+anxious to give the public every particular regarding an event so
+singular.
+
+“'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from
+London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the readers
+of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ----(the Captain
+here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you too,
+sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.'
+
+“'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, seizing
+me rudely by the collar--and he would have choked me, but that my blue
+satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of
+this GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe,
+'murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to
+the crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable; they and the
+unfeeling post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, 'Give it
+him, Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have
+had the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general
+and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and
+said, 'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap,
+Jims, and order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense--and mind I
+don't see your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it
+is.'
+
+“With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr.
+Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of
+his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I make them
+known that they may call down the indignation of the body of which I am
+a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman
+shamefully assaulted and insulted in the discharge of a public duty.”
+
+
+“Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of my
+busm, and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou
+be appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink
+on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your be1/2!
+
+“I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of
+Hangelina's departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the
+fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, they were
+married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl
+Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er
+who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I never from that
+momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back--with
+the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship
+COODN'T FIND. Ony it was whispered that at the nex buthday she was seen
+with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN. Let er keep it.
+
+“Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me
+adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister--but I
+wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh--there was no more money for
+THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a
+poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Assombly.
+
+“All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers,
+hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills,
+haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss
+didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack'd
+my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night
+I follered Hangelinar in imadganation along the North Road. I wented
+cusses & mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in
+my unhuttarable whoe! I seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it,
+strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint
+grasp; and taw the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible
+strenth of my despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of
+that night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning,
+the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De la
+Pluche!
+
+“'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I had
+not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged elseware.
+Hevns & huth!--what was it I red there? What was it that made me spring
+outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?--I red Rewin in that
+Share-list--the Pannick was in full hoparation!
+
+*****
+
+“Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is familliar?
+My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding
+art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of
+twenty-three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at
+least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas
+quotid at 14 pm, were down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at
+3/8 discount; my Table Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my
+Bathershins and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account
+at 17 primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central
+Oregons, prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be
+alive to write my own tail!”
+
+(Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad
+calculations, which we pretermit.)
+
+“Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me
+a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-sixpence:
+woodn't advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of scrip; kep me
+waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and then sent out
+Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't discount my paper,
+and implawed me to clothes my account. I did: I paid the three-and-six
+balliance, and never sor 'em mor.
+
+“The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies,
+Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They
+beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn
+keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and
+Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off
+every stick of my furniture. 'Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.'
+What an adwertisement George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was
+collected to laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller
+of wine; my picturs--that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless
+her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all--all went to the ammer. That
+brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on the
+sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into suvvis aginn.'
+
+“I DID go into suvvis--the wust of all suvvices--I went into the Queen's
+Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial weeks.
+Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble altogether; there was sunlike
+in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to drive
+hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat old
+lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has
+an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann!
+'Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann
+said. Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral:
+but I didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed man.
+Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out! I'd thirteen
+shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned
+the mangle for three weeks; and then Uncle Bill said, 'Well, there IS
+some good in the feller;' and it was agreed that we should marry.”
+
+The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw the
+accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are
+happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one.
+
+The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of
+Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop.
+Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable
+prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had
+been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he married
+three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface,
+Bullocksmithy.
+
+The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing
+a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop
+fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his
+accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable
+form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand;
+but life was extinct: and surgical aid was therefore not particularly
+useful.
+
+All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man
+increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in during
+his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds--divided
+between his nephew and niece--not a greater sum than has been left by
+several deceased Irish prelates.
+
+What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon to
+state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which
+does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina
+Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and affectionate
+servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. James Plush, to whom
+her Ladyship also made a handsome present--namely, the lease, good-will,
+and fixtures of the “Wheel of Fortune” public-house, near Shepherd's
+Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by all the nobility's
+footmen, doing a genteel stroke of business in the neighborhood, and
+where, as we have heard, the “Butlers' Club” is held.
+
+Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife:
+reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a
+higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates
+himself to an apron with perfect good humor. A gentleman connected with
+this establishment dined at the “Wheel of Fortune” the other day, and
+collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he brought
+in the first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of
+excellent port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he
+said--that a witless version of his adventures had been produced at
+the Princess's theatre, “without with your leaf or by your leaf,” as
+he expressed it. “Has for the rest,” the worthy fellow said, “I'm
+appy--praps betwixt you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass
+of beer or port (with your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much
+as my clarrit in my prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely
+to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary Hann,
+he's a beest: and when a christening takes place in our famly, will you
+give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be godfather.”
+
+
+
+LETTERS OF JEAMES.
+
+
+JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS.
+
+
+“Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety the
+follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an olesome
+warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents.
+
+“Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable cludgyman
+in the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel T----, of the
+Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young man was sent to
+Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very nearly
+being Senior Rangler. He came to London to study for the lor. His
+prospix was bright indead; and he lived in a secknd flore in Jerming
+Street, having a ginteal inkum of two hundred lbs. per hannum.
+
+“With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted for
+nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young man, who
+took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots; cleaned his
+kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to dine out,
+took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club--where (unless
+somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed his alf-pint of
+Marsally Wine.
+
+“Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the
+world. Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long
+befor sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; one,
+ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of the
+Heast-Injar Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal of all the
+season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His haspirations were
+on the pint of being crowndid with success; and it was agreed that as
+soon as he was called to the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a
+Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord Chanslor, he should lead her to
+the halter.
+
+“What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up his
+mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent pleader;
+he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb, or with his
+hadord Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies; he never
+was known to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip-top friends lent it
+him; to go to a theayter unless he got a horder; or to henter a tavern
+or smoke a cigar. If prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that
+young man.
+
+“But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick Timmins.
+The Railway Hoperations began.
+
+“For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations
+of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took no
+note of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution which
+with hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they began to be
+talked of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford and Cambridge
+Clubb, fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared
+four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his
+proppaty gambling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who
+had won it, had won a small istate besides by lucky specklations in the
+Share Markit.
+
+“HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having saved
+100 lb., he began a writin for shares--using, like an ickonominicle
+feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious igstent. All the
+Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to shares--the allottments
+came tumbling in--he took the primmiums by fifties and hundreds a day.
+His desk was cramd full of bank notes: his brane world with igsitement.
+
+“He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day about
+Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole talk was
+of railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled full of
+prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle, to say he
+feared he was neglectin his bisniss.
+
+“Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous habits.
+He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to Greenwich
+or Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often: although the
+hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so much more heasily
+now than before: for now he kep a Broom!
+
+“But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin: in an
+evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning to all
+young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on them in a moral
+pint of vu!
+
+“You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican
+Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal)
+Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit ninepence per
+share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or
+four healthy niggers, African currency)--the shares of this helegeble
+investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy man was Fred when,
+after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he sold his shares for
+250L. He gave a dinner at the 'Star and Garter' that very day. I promise
+you there was no Marsally THERE.
+
+“Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose to 5,
+he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he, 'when all this
+money was to be won!'
+
+“'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw,
+K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear fellow,
+the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word of
+honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?'
+
+“'Honor bright,' says Fred.
+
+“'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but went
+tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of the
+streets. Claw WENT BY WATER.
+
+“'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting into
+his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.
+
+*****
+
+“Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which
+says:--
+
+“'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.'
+
+“And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging.
+
+“What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since. His
+lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain deplores his
+absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his housekeeper; and
+the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in the
+fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High Life.--The rich and beautiful
+Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, is to be speedily united to
+Colonel Claw, K.X.R.'
+
+“JEAMES.”
+
+
+JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.
+
+“You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the haltered
+linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble mislny were
+once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated
+in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the
+'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me; that is my haypun
+which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the checkers which
+hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin Genral, St.
+Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang
+in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of Small Bier. As for my
+wife--that Angel--I've not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in
+the Bar, smiling like a sunflower and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing
+a deer little darlint totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and
+my i's to a T!
+
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+“I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but a
+Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with all my
+sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys
+as to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and scorn artily. But as
+a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my jewty compels me to
+come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the
+break of Gage.
+
+“An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very nearly
+had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when the Lady
+Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres, presented the gallant
+Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would satasfy her
+Ladyship but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann
+Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion. Captain S----
+was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment to his Lady. I
+cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, and
+our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend's residence,
+Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham.
+
+“Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4,
+but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon Railroad
+travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great
+Westn, in an eavle Hour.
+
+“We didnt take much luggitch--my wife's things in the ushal
+bandboxes--mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's (called
+so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a small supply of a
+few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady's fingers,
+for that dear child, who is now 6 months old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE.
+Likewise we were charged with a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from
+Skivary & Morris, containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's
+cawdle, with a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and
+owsehold: about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's
+in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres
+(big enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked 'Glass,' from her
+ladyship's meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to this an
+ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace hangings, held up
+by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding James Hangelo's rattle & my
+umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.
+
+“We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid
+Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet
+spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn
+upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know--and here, to our
+infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we were
+in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other light
+harticles.
+
+“Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my
+hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; but
+seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an
+Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--'James,' says Mary
+Hann, 'instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young
+neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the other
+carridge.' I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the
+opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby's rattle; and jest as I
+came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the whizzling
+injians proclayms the time of our departure,--& farewell soop and cottn
+velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the umberella.
+If it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James
+Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: &
+for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the
+passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly.
+
+“We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged
+to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs,
+tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like mad,
+and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the
+broad gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' says I, rot to desperation,
+'I shall throttle this darling if he goes on.' 'Do,' says she--'and GO
+INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says she--a snatchin the babby out of my
+arms. Do go,' says she, youre not fit to look after luggage,' and she
+began lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she looked
+after the packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that
+packet!--pretty darling--easy with that box, Sir, its glass--pooooty
+poppet--where's the deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried,
+reading out of a list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep.
+The porters were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more
+ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball.
+
+“At last--bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the Chayny
+bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white bandbox, with a
+crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from Crinoline's!' cries Mary
+Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward to
+inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls clinking inside;
+and Lady B.'s mixture (which had the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was
+dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak,
+trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting.
+
+“As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I thought
+I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little soup; so
+I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off.
+There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon.
+
+*****
+
+“We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered with
+a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not speak for
+some minutes. At last she spoke out--
+
+“'Have you all the small parcels?'
+
+“'Twenty-three in all,' says I.
+
+“'Then give me baby.'
+
+“'Give you what?' says I.
+
+“'Give me baby.'
+
+“'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I.
+
+*****
+
+“O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE LEDGE AT
+GLOSTER.
+
+“It all came of the break of gage.”
+
+
+
+MR. JEAMES AGAIN.
+
+
+“DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my privit
+ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis,
+regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose primmiture
+dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted parents, I must
+begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of your valuble collams
+once more, and hease the public mind about my blessid boy.
+
+“Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush was
+left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most disgreeble of
+complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be
+said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rusht into that
+fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not Baby, but Bundles
+I had in my lapp.
+
+“When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at the
+train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the luggitch,
+her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady Hangelina's baby,
+the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one immortial smash; the
+old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if it was huss, and not
+the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and as if we ad no misfortns
+of our hown to deplaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called
+Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on
+about her broken Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear
+little Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby'
+(seshe); 'where's my bowl?--where's my medsan?--where's my bewtiffle
+Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!'
+
+“'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite
+riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at
+Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it's not the fust time they've been
+asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you send
+for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the “Plow”--they keep it very good
+and strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a going back to the
+cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.'
+
+“'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not going to
+Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss it?'
+
+“'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint by
+the Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I
+lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to
+Gloster.
+
+“I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in the
+carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. When we
+got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to
+the station, up to the fatle Bench.
+
+“'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's my
+infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,--dear Mr. Policeman,
+give it me--a thousand guineas for it.'
+
+“'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby have I
+seen this day except thirteen of my own--and you're welcome to any one
+of THEM, and kindly.'
+
+“'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said,
+afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time--pawters
+& clarx and refreshmint people and all. 'What's this year row about that
+there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping hup. I thought my
+wife was going to jump into his harms. 'Have you got him?' says she.
+
+“'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he.
+
+“'And blue eyse!' says my wife.
+
+“'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by this
+time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a letter-box,'
+says he: 'he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the broad gauge line,
+and sent him on by it, in course,' says he. 'And it'll be a caution to
+you, young woman, for the future, to label your children along with the
+rest of your luggage.'
+
+“If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may emadgine
+I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As it was, we was
+obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train (4 ears they seemed
+to us), and then away we went.
+
+“'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got
+there. 'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man. 'No body claimed him
+here, and so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him
+some supper, and he's at Paddington by this time. Yes,' says he, looking
+at the clock, 'he's been there these ten minutes.'
+
+“But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this
+good-naterd man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your
+mind. We'll know in five minutes how he is.'
+
+“'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.'
+
+“'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.'
+
+“And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle
+inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the
+twinkling of a peg-post.
+
+“'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.'
+
+“Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.'
+
+“'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed. Back comes the
+answer in a Jiffy--
+
+“'C. R. Y. I. N. G.'
+
+“This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann, who
+pull'd a very sad face.
+
+“The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;' and
+what d'ye think was the answer? I'm blest if it wasn't--
+
+“'P. A. P.'
+
+“He was eating pap! There's for you--there's a rogue for you--there's a
+March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust time. 'He'll sleep
+now,' says she. And she sat down with a full hart.
+
+*****
+
+“If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE need
+never ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I promise
+you--where me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and where only
+yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in our bar.
+
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+“And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most precious
+luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this year way,
+why it won't be for want of warning, both from Professor Harris, the
+Commission, and from
+
+“My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant,
+
+“JEAMES PLUSH.”
+
+
+
+
+THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+“TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION.”
+
+
+I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public
+I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, as I
+leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows:--
+
+
+MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S.,
+
+Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse,
+
+AHMEDNUGGAR.
+
+
+Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid any of
+those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so frequent of
+late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble title
+of mine, and the confusion thereby created. When I published my volume
+of poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper remarked “that the
+Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among the sweetest
+flowrets of the present spring season.” The Quarterly Review, commenting
+upon my Observations on the “Pons Asinorum” (4to. London, 1836), called
+me “Doctor Gahagan,” and so on. It was time to put an end to these
+mistakes, and I have taken the above simple remedy.
+
+I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at
+the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl--ns
+(who, though she does not speak English, understands it as well as I
+do,) said to me in the softest Teutonic, “Lieber Herr Major, haben sie
+den Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion gelassen?” “Warum denn?” said I,
+quite astonished at her R---l H-----ss's question. The P---cess then
+spoke of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Goliah
+Gahagan.
+
+There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question.
+
+“Comment donc?” said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count
+Mole; “le cher Major a quitte l'armee! Nicolas donc sera maitre de
+l'Inde!” H. M---- and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation in
+a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state of
+confusion. I blushed and stuttered, and murmured out a few incoherent
+words to explain--but it would not do--I could not recover my equanimity
+during the course of the dinner and while endeavoring to help an English
+Duke, my neighbor, to poulet a l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms
+and three large greasy croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill.
+Another laugh at my expense. “Ah! M. le Major,” said the Q---- of the
+B-lg--ns, archly, “vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel.” Her
+M----y's joke will be better understood when I state that his Grace is
+the brother of a Minister.
+
+I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by
+mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. I
+only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least
+in DECENT society. Verbum sat.
+
+But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah in
+full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also
+a Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the
+public most likely knows. Poor Greg! a very trivial dispute was the
+cause of our quarrel, which never would have originated but for the
+similarity of our names. The circumstance was this: I had been lucky
+enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling service (in the
+notorious affair of Choprasjee Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a
+gold toothpick-case directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course
+thought was for me: my brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the
+consequence was, that in about three minutes he received a slash in the
+right side (cut 6), which effectually did his business:--he was a good
+swordsman enough--I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous
+part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all--he
+had left it on the Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what
+madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble; he had much
+better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined to have
+it. From this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader will perceive
+that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; and, in fact, I
+may say that I have led a more remarkable life than any man in the
+service--I have been at more pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes,
+had more success among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a
+handsomer man than any officer now serving her Majesty.
+
+When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of seventeen,
+with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic at all kinds of
+exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else who would trust
+me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of 120L. a year. I need
+not say that with all these advantages I did that which a number of
+clever fellows have done before me--I fell in love, and proposed to
+marry immediately.
+
+But how to overcome the difficulty?--It is true that I loved Julia
+Jowler--loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a Member
+of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was,
+however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the “Samuel
+Snob” East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely creature, and my
+misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. We were not out
+of the Channel before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she trod
+upon, kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit.
+The same madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates fought
+about her at the Cape; the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from
+disappointed affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten
+spontaneous combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and
+seven daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs.
+L., and made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me,
+with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs. Duffy,
+although he had had nineteen children by her.
+
+We used to call her the witch--there was magic in her beauty and in her
+voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark staring mad
+when she looked at me! O lustrous black eyes!--O glossy night-black
+ringlets!--O lips!--O dainty frocks of white muslin!--O tiny kid
+slippers!--though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still! I recollect,
+off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular way one day at dinner,
+just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of scalding hot green fat.
+I was stupefied at once--I thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound)
+into my mouth. I made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but
+left it there for many minutes, burning, burning! I had no skin to my
+palate for seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest
+of the voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia
+Jowler over me.
+
+The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of storms,
+shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so forth, that
+(although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think
+it quite unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to
+say, that during our five months' trajet, my mad passion for Julia
+daily increased; so did the captain's and the surgeon's; so did Colonel
+Lilywhite's; so did the doctor's, the mate's--that of most part of
+the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew. For myself, I
+swore--ensign as I was--I would win her for my wife; I vowed that I
+would make her glorious with my sword--that as soon as I had made a
+favorable impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to
+create), I would lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand
+his daughter's hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage
+continue and conclude.
+
+We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December, 1802,
+and then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was carried off
+to her papa's arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at least forty
+hookahbadars; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a
+solitary beasty (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are called),
+made his way humbly to join the regiment at head-quarters.
+
+The --th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of
+Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and Europe
+by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles--so great was
+its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in that
+delightful district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in
+command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through
+the body, was second Major. We were on the eve of that remarkable war
+which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of India, to call
+forth the valor of a Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a
+Gahagan; which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar (where
+I was the first over the barricade at the storming of the Pettah); at
+Argaum, where I slew with my own sword twenty-three matchlock-men,
+and cut a dromedary in two; and by that terrible day of Assaye, where
+Wellesley would have been beaten but for me--me alone: I headed nineteen
+charges of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my own troop)
+seventeen field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly French artillerymen;
+on that day I had eleven elephants shot under me, and carried away
+Scindiah's nose-ring with a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a Duke and a
+Marshal, I but a simple Major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war!
+But my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had better
+proceed with more order.
+
+On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first time put
+on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue swallow-tailed
+jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with about 3,000
+sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-colored leather inexpressibles (tights), and
+red morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to admiration
+the handsome persons of the officers of our corps. We wore powder in
+those days; and a regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet
+surrounded by leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather,
+gave the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more
+easily imagined than described.
+
+Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself before
+Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely similar, but not
+being more than five feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen
+stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and
+taller men. Flanked by his tall Majors, Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like
+a stumpy skittle-ball between two attenuated skittles. The plump little
+Colonel received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime
+favorite with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was
+the most hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love
+together, I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet
+presence of Julia.
+
+I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early
+days, that this Miss Jowler--on whom I had lavished my first and warmest
+love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and purity--was no better
+than a little impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, because
+during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no other toy to play with;
+and who deserted others for me, and me for others, just as her whim
+or her interest might guide her. She had not been three weeks at
+head-quarters when half the regiment was in love with her. Each and all
+of the candidates had some favor to boast of, or some encouraging hopes
+on which to build. It was the scene of the “Samuel Snob” over again,
+only heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list
+will give the reader a notion of some of them:--
+
+
+1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. Hicks
+received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity of carroty
+whisker forced down his throat with the ball.
+
+2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan. I was run through
+the body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and injured me very
+slightly.
+
+3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S.,
+Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo
+grounds, Ramgolly branch.
+
+
+Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's-play, and he might have come
+off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the civilian
+placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his stomach. A
+remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account of which I sent
+home to the “Philosophical Transactions:” the surgeon had extracted
+the ball, and was going off, thinking that all was well, when the gold
+repeater struck thirteen in poor Macgillicuddy's abdomen. I suppose that
+the works must have been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for
+the repeater was one of Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the
+circumstance occurred at SEVEN o'clock.*
+
+     * So admirable are the performances of these watches, which
+     will stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor
+     Macgillicuddy relate the following fact.  The hours, as it
+     is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four: the day
+     Mac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours,
+     from one to twenty-four; as soon as he crossed the Alps it
+     only sounded as usual.--G. O'G. G.
+
+I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which this
+Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should think,
+satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, heaven
+knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the
+sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I know that four
+times as many more took place concerning her.
+
+I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had been
+born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had married from
+the house of her mother, a native. There were some singular rumors
+abroad regarding this latter lady's history: it was reported that she
+was the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off by a poor
+English subaltern in Lord Clive's time. The young man was killed very
+soon after, and left his child with its mother. The black Prince forgave
+his daughter and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I suppose
+that it was on this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who
+had not, I do believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality:
+she was a hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth,
+and red eyes: she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy--she hated and was
+hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any
+other. She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent most
+of her time with her native friends. I wonder how she could have given
+birth to so lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of course
+with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her
+daughter's composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her. If
+Julia had been a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now; she set
+the whole cantonment by the ears; she made wives jealous and husbands
+miserable; she caused all those duels of which I have discoursed
+already, and yet such was the fascination of THE WITCH that I still
+thought her an angel. I made court to the nasty mother in order to be
+near the daughter; and I listened untiringly to Jowler's interminable
+dull stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the
+graceful movements of Miss Julia.
+
+But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the
+battle-field Gahagan is a man! The Bundelcund Invincibles received
+orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and prepared
+to part from his Andromache. And now arose his perplexity: what must be
+done with his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife's peculiarities of
+living, and did not much care to trust his daughter to her keeping; but
+in vain he tried to find her an asylum among the respectable ladies of
+his regiment. Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing
+to do with Mrs. Jowler; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have
+neither mother nor daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her
+mother must have a house together, and Jowler knew that his wife would
+fill it with her odious blackamoor friends.
+
+I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned
+from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see her alone,
+and wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer does about a
+public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and
+longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or
+her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the tale
+of my love.
+
+But it would not do--old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a sudden to
+such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him out of doors,
+and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin gave the
+first idea of our regimental breeches), who before had been gadding
+ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose into every menage in the
+cantonment, stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My only chance
+was to beard the old couple in their den, and ask them at once for their
+cub.
+
+So I called one day at tiffin:--old Jowler was always happy to have my
+company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson's
+pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was
+in Bengal)--and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old Mrs.
+Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;--she was exactly the color of it, as I
+have had already the honor to remark, and she swallowed the mixture with
+a gusto which was never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando apropos
+d'huitres. She consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon,
+like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would throw
+away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards her, go to
+work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with her fingers, and
+stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy company. But why
+do I diverge from the main point of my story?
+
+Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl was in
+the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. “How do you do, Mr.
+Gagin?” said the old hag, leeringly. “Eat a bit o' currie-bhaut,”--and
+she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. “What!
+Gagy my boy, how do, how do?” said the fat Colonel. “What! run through
+the body?--got well again--have some Hodgson--run through your body
+too!”--and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that
+in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the
+skin) old Jowler laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices,
+consomahs, and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, unasked,
+with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused
+nervously for a moment, and then said--
+
+“Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga.”
+
+The black ruffians took the hint and retired.
+
+“Colonel and Mrs. Jowler,” said I solemnly, “we are alone; and you,
+Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is--I mean--I take this opportunity
+to--(another glass of ale, if you please)--to express, once for all,
+before departing on a dangerous campaign”--(Julia turned pale)--“before
+entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch in the dust my high-raised
+hopes and me, to express my hopes while life still remains to me, and
+to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love
+you, Julia!” The Colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck
+quivering for some minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded not the
+paltry interruption. “Yes, by yon bright heaven,” continued I, “I
+love you, Julia! I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and
+beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a
+return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such deeds
+in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of your Gahagan.”
+
+The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, snapped, and
+ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was now red, now white;
+the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg,
+wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had remarked by
+his side.
+
+“A cornet!” said he, in a voice choking with emotion; “a pitiful,
+beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler! Gag, Gahagan,
+are you mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man--at
+these letters, I say--one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every
+part of India (not including one from the Governor-General, and six from
+his brother, Colonel Wellesley,)--one hundred and twenty-four proposals
+for the hand of Miss Jowler! Cornet Gahagan,” he continued, “I wish to
+think well of you: you are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps,
+the handsomest man in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee.
+You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!”--(Here the
+old rogue grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).--“No, no,” said he,
+waxing good-natured; “Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense! Julia, love, retire
+with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe
+with me.”
+
+I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life.
+
+*****
+
+I am not going to give here an account of my military services; they
+will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty volumes,
+which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in all
+Wellesley's brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk, I travelled across
+the country north-eastward, and had the honor of fighting by the side of
+Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore:
+but I will not boast of my actions--the military man knows them, MY
+SOVEREIGN appreciates them. If asked who was the bravest man of the
+Indian army, there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry
+at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate: I cared not for life,
+deprived of Julia Jowler.
+
+With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern refusal
+in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, again to seek
+her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen months on service,
+marching and countermarching, and fighting almost every other day: to
+the world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the face, and
+not the seared and blighted heart within me. My valor, always
+desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my grooms and
+grass-cutters for the most trifling offence or error,--I never in action
+spared a man,--I sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course
+of that single campaign.
+
+Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor old
+Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he received a
+parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her
+daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that
+he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within two days; but
+it was against the blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows,
+in the heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit of dealing
+rather roughly with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they
+used to pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots,
+to flog them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on.
+Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which before had always
+justly exasperated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now
+to smile fiercely and say, “D--- the black scoundrels! Serve them right,
+serve them right!”
+
+One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had been
+on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably
+to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a
+neighboring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in an instant
+three of my men's saddles were empty, and I was left with but seven more
+to make head against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen.
+I never saw in my life a nobler figure than the leader of the
+troop--mounted on a splendid black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as
+myself; he wore a steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful
+French carbine, which had already done execution upon two of my men. I
+saw that our only chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man.
+I shouted to him in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of
+course), “Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man!”
+
+In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and mortally
+transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. Grinding my teeth
+and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed its
+blow,* and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, his own
+sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry
+of battle.
+
+     * In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go
+     out with small-swords--miserable weapons only fit for
+     tailors.--G. O'G. G.
+
+The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut off his
+sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head. I said that
+he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of
+chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered “ST. GEORGE;” my sword
+caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, cut
+crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby
+which he wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean in two between the
+eyebrows and nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side
+on each shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my
+men, who were not a little amused at the feat.
+
+As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their leader's
+fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we made a single
+prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler.
+
+We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said it
+was Chowder Loll.
+
+“Chowder Loll!” shrieked Colonel Jowler. “O fate! thy hand is here!” He
+rushed wildly into his tent--the next day applied for leave of absence.
+Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for some
+time.
+
+*****
+
+As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General Lake
+sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley received me
+with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at
+Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blushing,
+thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side!
+
+Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my former
+passages with his daughter. “Gagy my boy,” says he, shaking hands, “glad
+to see you. Old friend, Julia--come to tiffin--Hodgson's pale--brave
+fellow Gagy.” Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, and fixed
+upon me her awful eyes! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent
+words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said, “Come!” Need I
+say I went?
+
+I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I know,
+that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had been: and that
+in three weeks I--yes, I--was the accepted lover of Julia! I did not
+pause to ask where were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I,
+refused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I loved her,
+and was happy!
+
+*****
+
+One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a lover's
+pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of palaces
+until I came to the house which contained my Julia. I peeped into the
+compound--all was still; I looked into the veranda--all was dark,
+except a light--yes, one light--and it was in Julia's chamber! My heart
+throbbed almost to stilling. I would--I WOULD advance, if but to gaze
+upon her for a moment, and to bless her as she slept. I DID look, I DID
+advance; and, O heaven! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress,
+with a very dark baby in her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an
+ayah, who was nursing another.
+
+“Oh, mamma,” said Julia, “what would that fool Gahagan say if he knew
+all?”
+
+“HE DOES KNOW ALL!” shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down the
+tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia
+fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their d----d nurse fell
+on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindustanee. Old Jowler
+at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword.
+
+“Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!” shouted I. “Turn, ruffian, and defend
+yourself!” But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked at his
+lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room.
+
+Why continue the tale? I need not now account for Jowler's gloom on
+receiving his letters from Benares--for his exclamation upon the death
+of the Indian chief--for his desire to marry his daughter: the woman I
+was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. Chowder Loll!
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE.
+
+
+I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of some
+of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have endeavored
+to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I
+make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or good feeling, to steal
+from me that which is my sole wealth--my character as a teller of THE
+TRUTH.
+
+The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures of
+a profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists, none
+(luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of my
+statements: they know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON. If I can
+use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, and
+would answer their contradictions with my sword! No gold or gems
+adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but there is blood upon the
+blade--the blood of the enemies of my country, and the maligners of my
+honest fame. There are others, however--the disgrace of a disgraceful
+trade--who, borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have ventured
+to assail me. The infamous editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay
+Beacon, the Tipperary Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other
+dastardly organs of the provincial press, have, although differing in
+politics, agreed upon this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity,
+vented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me.
+
+They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully perverted
+history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, was any one of
+these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any single conductor of any
+one of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country?
+Does this EXQUISITE Tipperary scribe know the difference between
+Hurrygurrybang and Burrumtollah? Not he! and because, forsooth, in those
+strange and distant lands strange circumstances have taken place, it
+is insinuated that the relater is a liar: nay, that the very places
+themselves have no existence but in my imagination. Fools!--but I will
+not waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions
+of my personal history.
+
+It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will not
+venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against
+Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna,
+where he exercised that brilliant little army which was speedily to
+perform such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give a slight
+account of the causes of a war which was speedily to rage through some
+of the fairest portions of the Indian continent.
+
+Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line
+of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had wellnigh
+hurled Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of Bagdad)--Shah
+Allum, I say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was in reality
+the slave of the various warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over
+the country and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some more
+successful rebel. Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row
+Scindiah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a
+time complete mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan
+soldier, had abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it
+until he had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the
+eyes of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came
+to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed
+his oppressor, only increased his slavery; holding him in as painful a
+bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous Afghan.
+
+As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long
+rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, the
+British Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no
+means interfered in the contest. But the French Revolution broke out,
+and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian
+States, seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds of the
+various native princes against the British East India Company. A
+number of these entered into Scindiah's ranks: one of them, Perron, was
+commander of his army; and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in
+his hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of
+an invasion of the British territory, the Company all of a sudden
+discovered that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and
+determined to re-establish the ancient splendor of his throne.
+
+Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that prompted our
+governors to take these kindly measures in his favor. I don't know how
+it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit
+better off than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten,
+and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a puppet as before.
+Somehow, in the hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster
+remained with the British Government, who had so kindly offered to dress
+it for the Emperor, while his Majesty was obliged to be contented with
+the shell.
+
+The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of the
+Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of cavalry and
+twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by General Lake in
+person.
+
+Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur;
+on the fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name
+was mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the
+Commander-in-Chief's words regarding me--they will spare me the trouble
+of composing my own eulogium:--
+
+“The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high sense
+of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the ---- cavalry. In the
+storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single ladder,
+and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in
+escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. Fourteen ditches
+lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls
+bristling with innumerable artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses,
+were in turn triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His
+course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies lying thick
+upon the platforms; and alas! by the corpses of most of the gallant
+men who followed him!--when at length he effected his lodgment, and the
+dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose
+upon him the tigers and lions of Scindiah's menagerie. This meritorious
+officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most
+ferocious animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of
+BRITISH VALOR, shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private,
+and Runty Goss, havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine
+hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honor to them! honor and tears
+for the brave men who perished on that awful day!”
+
+*****
+
+I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of September
+24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to the statement,
+may refer to the paper itself.
+
+And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so marvellously
+preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. Were I to say that
+any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous
+combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn. No: though my narrative is
+extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and never, never would
+I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this:--the
+citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a thousand feet
+above the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his
+Excellency was good enough to remark in his despatch. A man who would
+mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he
+mounted them without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We HAD
+scaling-ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was
+quite impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries.
+Mounted on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I
+saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could
+be found for our brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was about
+seventy feet high. I instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and
+peppered the latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling
+place; the men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this simple
+stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier--for to ascend a
+wall which the General was pleased to call “as smooth as glass” is an
+absurd impossibility: I seek to achieve none such:--
+
+     “I dare do all that may become a man,
+     Who dares do more, is neither more nor less.”
+
+Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one of us
+would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it was owing to
+fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery,
+arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so
+difficult as might be imagined--killing these fellows was sheer
+butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned and fled
+helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their courage by the fact
+that out of about seven hundred men killed by us, only forty had wounds
+in front, the rest being bayoneted as they ran.
+
+And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting out of
+these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, the second
+commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (conspicuous for a
+tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we
+stormed them, and running away the very first among the fugitives.
+He had all the keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he opened the
+menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when
+the animals were overcome. Runty Goss then opened them one by one, our
+troops entered, and the victorious standard of my country floated on the
+walls of Allyghur!
+
+When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line of
+fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead rhinoceros
+on which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. But the excitement
+which had borne me through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day
+failed all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder.
+
+Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in the
+power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds him
+in the capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit was,
+therefore, not very rich. His Excellency had a favorite horn snuff-box
+(for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits most simple):
+of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, which he
+always took, he made me a present, saying, in front of the line, “Accept
+this, Mr. Gahagan, as a token of respect from the first to the bravest
+officer in the army.”
+
+Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that
+fourpence was about the value of this gift: but it has at least this
+good effect--it serves to convince any person who doubts my story, that
+the facts of it are really true. I have left it at the office of my
+publisher, along with the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody
+may examine both by applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.*
+That once popular expression, or proverb, “are you up to snuff?” arose
+out of the above circumstance; for the officers of my corps, none of
+whom, except myself, had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me
+about this modest reward for my labors. Never mind! when they want me to
+storm a fort AGAIN, I shall know better.
+
+     * The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at
+     Mr. Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a
+     newspaper, and does not QUITE prove that he killed a
+     rhinoceros and stormed fourteen intrenchments at the siege
+     of Allyghur.
+
+Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, Perron,
+who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in to us, with
+his family and treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements
+at Chandernagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we now
+moved. The morning of the 11th of September found us upon the plains of
+Delhi.
+
+It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves after
+the morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet along
+with O'Gawler of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy's
+neighborhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler and I were seated under
+a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed to shelter us from
+the intolerable heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight
+a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool,
+weak, refreshing sangaree. We had been playing cards the night before,
+and O'Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of
+the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking,
+and holding mine up, said, “Here's better luck to you next time,
+O'Gawler!”
+
+As I spoke the words--whish!--a cannon-ball cut the tumbler clean out
+of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach. It settled him
+completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such are
+the uncertainties of war!
+
+To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements--to mount my Arab charger--to
+drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree--and to gallop to the
+General, was the work of a moment. I found him as comfortably at tiffin
+as if he were at his own house in London.
+
+“General,” said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent), “you
+must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy.”
+
+“The enemy--psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of the
+river.”
+
+“I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly carry
+five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot dead at my
+side with a cannon-ball.”
+
+“Ha! is it so?” said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the
+drumstick of a grilled chicken. “Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of
+Europe are upon us, and follow me!”
+
+Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat; each
+British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. We mounted
+our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old General; I not the
+last in the train, upon my famous black charger.
+
+It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three miles
+of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we galloped, we
+were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line.
+Nothing can better describe it than this:--
+
+            ________________________________
+           ................................. A
+          .
+         .
+        .
+       .
+
+--A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty pieces
+of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, intrenched; and
+a wide morass in his front gave him an additional security.
+
+His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said, turning
+round to one of his aides-de-camp, “Order up Major-General Tinkler and
+the cavalry.”
+
+“HERE, does your Excellency mean?” said the aide-de-camp, surprised, for
+the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying about as
+thick as peas.
+
+“HERE, sir!” said the old General, stamping with his foot in a passion,
+and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. In five minutes
+we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part
+of the cavalry had joined us.
+
+Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the air,
+their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden sunlight.
+“And now we are here,” said Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler,
+“what next?” “Oh, d--- it,” said the Commander-in-Chief, “charge,
+charge--nothing like charging--galloping--guns--rascally black
+scoundrels--charge, charge!” And then turning round to me (perhaps he
+was glad to change the conversation), he said, “Lieutenant Gahagan, you
+will stay with me.”
+
+And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the battle WAS
+GAINED BY ME. I do not mean to insult the reader by pretending that any
+personal exertions of mine turned the day,--that I killed, for instance,
+a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns,--such absurd tales
+would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is well known,
+never say a single word which cannot be proved, and hate more than all
+other vices the absurd sin of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to
+the General, at a quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day,
+won this great triumph for the British army.
+
+Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though
+somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General Lake,
+for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree!
+and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand
+upon my heart and say that I was. If any proof is wanting of the fact,
+let me give it at once, and from the highest military testimony in the
+world--I mean that of the Emperor Napoleon.
+
+In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the “Prince
+Regent,” Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage from
+Calcutta to England. In company with the other officers on board the
+ship, I paid my respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who
+received us in his garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen
+dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General Montholon, Count
+Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a little boy; who I dare say does
+not recollect me, but who nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the
+tassels of my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his
+Imperial Majesty.
+
+Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by General
+Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a bow to the
+owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to
+mine. The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands out
+of his pockets, put them behind his back, and coming up to me smiling,
+pronounced the following words:--
+
+“Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?”
+
+I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said--“Sire, c'est moi.”
+
+“Parbleu! je le savais bien,” said the Emperor, holding out his
+snuff-box. “En usez-vous, Major?” I took a large pinch (which, with the
+honor of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes),
+and he continued as nearly as possible in the following words:--
+
+“Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third brother,
+the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade.”
+
+Gahagan.--“Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your Majesty's
+service stood under the green flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat
+Wellington back. It was the only time, as your Majesty knows, that
+Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war.”
+
+Napoleon (looking as if he would say, “D--- your candor, Major
+Gahagan”).--“Well, well; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and died a
+General in my service.”
+
+Gahagan.--“He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty
+Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan mark.”
+
+Napoleon (to Montholon).--“C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma
+parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que c'est vrai. Ils ne sont pas
+d'autres, ces terribles Ga'gans. You must know that Monsieur gained
+the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. In this
+way:--Ce belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and placing
+them in front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la plaine, was
+for charging the enemy's batteries with his horse, who would have been
+ecrases, mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the cunning of ce grand
+rogue que vous voyez.”
+
+Montholon.--“Coquin de Major, va!”
+
+Napoleon.--“Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great
+bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which
+he had brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would
+infallibly have done so--and the loss of his army would have been the
+ruin of the East India Company--and the ruin of the English East India
+Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a republic then!)
+in the East--but that the man before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was
+riding at the side of General Lake.”
+
+Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).--“Gredin! cent mille
+tonnerres de Dieu!”
+
+Napoleon (benignantly).--“Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will you?
+It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, or rather
+slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a
+retreat.”
+
+Montholon. “Le lache! Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule jamais.”
+
+Napoleon.--“STUPIDE! Don't you see WHY the retreat was ordered?--don't
+you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from
+his impregnable intrenchments? Don't you know that the ignorant Indian
+fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of his guns, came
+down with his cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons?
+Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of
+the north swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their
+guns, which were useless, entered Holkar's intrenchments along with his
+troops, sabred the artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of
+Delhi!”
+
+As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed fire,
+his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the enemy from
+beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the
+charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud
+moment in my life, but never such a proud one as this; and I would
+readily pardon the word “coward,” as applied to me by Montholon, in
+consideration of the testimony which his master bore in my favor.
+
+“Major,” said the Emperor to me in conclusion, “why had I not such a man
+as you in my service? I would have made you a Prince and a Marshal!” and
+here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport.
+He was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his fortunes;
+and indeed I have very little doubt that I might.
+
+Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, Napoleon's
+valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, and talking
+upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me
+deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in this remarkable
+interview.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+A PEEP INTO SPAIN--ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR
+IRREGULARS.
+
+
+HEAD QUARTERS, MORELLA, Sept. 16, 1838.
+
+I have been here for some months, along with my young friend Cabrera:
+and in the hurry and bustle of war--daily on guard and in the batteries
+for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe wounds
+and seven musket-balls in my body--it may be imagined that I have had
+little time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter arma
+silent leges--in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing! as the poet
+says; and I never would have bothered myself with a pen, had not common
+gratitude incited me to throw off a few pages.
+
+Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this
+place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor Emmett
+Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of Gray's Inn, and
+what he called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with
+the Queen's people, not in a military capacity, but as representative of
+an English journal; to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he
+was in the habit of transmitting accounts of the movements of the
+belligerents, and his own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving,
+for the discharge of his duty, a couple of guineas a week from the
+proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled, as I need
+scarcely say, to make such a show in Oraa's camp as only a Christino
+general officer, or at the very least a colonel of a regiment, can
+afford to keep up.
+
+In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of
+course among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a good
+deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to
+describe here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, which had been
+made the head-quarters of several Queenite officers during the siege.
+The pesatero or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave
+chapel-churies, with his fine family of children--the officers quartered
+in the podesta had of course bolted; but one man remained, and my
+fellows were on the point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with
+their borachios, when I arrived in the room time enough to prevent
+the catastrophe. Seeing before me an individual in the costume of a
+civilian--a white hat, a light blue satin cravat, embroidered with
+butterflies and other quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and
+a pair of blue plaid trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and
+interposed to save his life.
+
+In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he could
+to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of slaughtering
+him; but it is very little likely that his protestations would have had
+any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the
+ruffians to hold their hand.
+
+Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that rank
+in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six feet four
+in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called,
+because it is five feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish
+armies--seeing, I say, this figure, the fellows retired, exclaiming,
+“Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros,” and so on, clearly proving (by their
+words) that they would, if they dared, have immolated the victim whom
+I had thus rescued from their fury. “Villains!” shouted I, hearing them
+grumble, “away! quit the apartment!” Each man, sulkily sheathing his
+sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla.
+
+It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I
+have briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he had a
+family in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and that
+his most intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven and
+earth to revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a portmanteau
+passably well filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my
+troops. I said, though with much regret, that I must subject his person
+to a search; and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what
+I fear you will consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon
+Mr. Sheeny's person three sovereigns in English money (which I have to
+this day), and singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine,
+containing a portion of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should
+let the poor young man be shot or no, but this little circumstance saved
+his life. The gratified vanity of authorship induced me to accept his
+portmanteau and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I
+put the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and the podesta.
+
+The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full
+time for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after committing
+dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon the fort,
+hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known
+and respected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served for
+some months on the Queen's side before I came over to Don Carlos); and,
+as it is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect to receive it
+when taken myself. On issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau
+and my sword in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our
+own men in a pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about
+four hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while
+on my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite
+lancers were clattering along the road.
+
+I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this discovery,
+so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz! came a bullet by
+my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round--there
+were seventy of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I
+said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight seventy
+men, you would write me down a fool or a liar: no, sir, I did not fight,
+I ran away.
+
+I am six feet four--my figure is as well known in the Spanish army
+as that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera
+himself. “GAHAGAN!” shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices, and
+fifty more shots came rattling after me. I was running--running as the
+brave stag before the hounds--running as I have done a great number of
+times before in my life, when there was no help for it but a race.
+
+After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained nearly
+three upon our column in front, and that likewise the Christino horsemen
+were left behind some hundred yards more; with the exception of three,
+who were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a lance; he
+had fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty yards in advance of his
+comrades; there was a similar distance between the two lancers who
+rode behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came
+up delivered cut 3 at his horse's near leg--off it flew, and down, as I
+expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through
+my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that
+fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the plan
+which I hoped was to effect my rescue.
+
+I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and,
+unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained--some shirts, a
+bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c.,--I had carried
+it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice it
+malgre moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my right
+hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, with aim so true, that he
+fell back on his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse galloped up
+to me, I had no difficulty in dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle
+struck him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash
+him from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment;
+indeed, the two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the
+time which it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the
+rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's horse, I
+had committed a very absurd oversight--I was scampering away WITHOUT MY
+SWORD! What was I to do?--to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the
+legs of my horse for safety!
+
+The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear his
+horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey-fashion in my
+saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in
+vain. Closer--closer--the point of his lance was within two feet of my
+back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my agony when I felt it
+enter--through exactly fifty-nine pages of the New Monthly Magazine.
+Had it not been for that Magazine, I should have been impaled without a
+shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in feeling gratitude? Had I not cause to
+continue my contributions to that periodical?
+
+When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying party,
+I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of
+the lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a
+ball came whiz over my head from our fellows, and entering at his nose,
+put a stop to HIS lancing for the future). I hastened to Cabrera's
+quarter, and related to him some of my adventures during the day.
+
+“But, General,” said he, “you are standing. I beg you chiudete l'uscio
+(take a chair).”
+
+I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some
+foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my sitting
+at ease. I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and there, to my
+wonder, DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like a fish-hook, or a
+pastoral crook.
+
+“Ha! ha! ha!” said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag).
+
+“Valdepenas madrilenos,” growled out Tristany.
+
+“By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman),” shrieked
+out Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, “I will send it to the Bishop
+of Leon for a crozier.”
+
+“Gahagan has CONSECRATED it,” giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so they
+went on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But, when they heard
+that the means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly
+Christino had been the Magazine containing my own history, their laugh
+was changed into wonder. I read them (speaking Spanish more fluently
+than English) every word of my story. “But how is this?” said Cabrera.
+“You surely have other adventures to relate?”
+
+“Excellent Sir,” said I, “I have;” and that very evening, as we sat over
+our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in nearly the
+following words:--
+
+“I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, as
+everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. But
+who gained the battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and
+Laswaree, while Major Gaha--nonsense, never mind HIM, never mind the
+charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in
+the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes;
+when, with one hand seizing the sacred peishcush, or fish--which was the
+banner always borne before Scindiah,--he, with his good sword, cut off
+the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony,
+plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren,
+tossing, like chaff before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He,
+meanwhile, now plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now
+cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on,
+like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand,
+a hundred and forty-thr--but never mind--'ALONE HE DID IT;' sufficient
+be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he cares not for the
+empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate men!
+
+     * The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic
+     reader may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his
+     Commentary on the Flight of Darius), is so called by the
+     Mahrattas.
+
+“We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah Allum
+received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on our General.
+As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah did not fail to
+remark my person,* and was told my name.
+
+     * There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part.
+     Shah Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have
+     seen Gahagan? The thing is manifestly impossible.
+
+“Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so
+delighted with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose trunk
+I use to this day), that he said, 'Let him be called GUJPUTI,' or the
+lord of elephants; and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards
+familiarly known among the natives,--the men, that is. The women had a
+softer appellation for me, and called me 'Mushook,' or charmer.
+
+“Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to the
+reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from Delhi; nor
+the terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice
+it to say that we were victorious, and that I was wounded; as I have
+invariably been in the two hundred and four occasions when I have found
+myself in action. One point, however, became in the course of this
+campaign QUITE evident--THAT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE FOR GAHAGAN. The
+country cried shame, the King's troops grumbled, the sepoys openly
+murmured that their Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed
+such signal services. What was to be done? Lord Wellesley was in an
+evident quandary. 'Gahagan,' wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently
+not your fate--YOU WERE BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley
+are good officers, they cannot be turned out--I must make a post for
+you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?'
+
+“It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had
+its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long be
+remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns.
+
+*****
+
+“As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the uniform
+of the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were not wanting as
+soon as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my standard
+a great deal faster than to the regular corps in the Company's service.
+I had European officers, of course, to command them, and a few of my
+countrymen as sergeants; the rest were all natives, whom I chose of
+the strongest and bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans,
+Hurrumzadehs, and Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most
+warlike districts of our Indian territory.
+
+“When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble
+appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance, gave a
+carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid costume that
+ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six
+feet four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and proportion. My
+hair and beard are of the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely
+to be distinguished at a distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue,
+overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific
+gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid,
+and the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly
+military appearance than can be conceived. When I have been drinking (as
+is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have
+another which took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of my
+front teeth, I leave you to imagine that 'seldom lighted on the earth'
+(as the monster Burke remarked of one of his unhappy victims), 'a more
+extraordinary vision.' I improved these natural advantages; and, while
+in cantonment during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to
+grow very long, as did my beard, which reached to my waist. It took
+me two hours daily to curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw
+ringlets, which waved over my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well
+round to the corners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers
+and red morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color
+round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated with a
+tuft of the scarlet feathers of the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and
+I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull
+and crossbones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistols, a Malay
+creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and very nearly six feet
+in length, completed this elegant costume. My two flags were each
+surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones, and ornamented, one with
+a black, and the other with a red beard (of enormous length, taken from
+men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course the arms of
+John Company; on the other, an image of myself bestriding a prostrate
+elephant, with the simple word, 'Gujputi' written underneath in the
+Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and
+looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied
+the words which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in
+Marlborough's time:--
+
+     “'To noble danger he conducts the way,
+     His great example all his troop obey,
+     Before the front the Major sternly rides,
+     With such an air as Mars to battle strides.
+     Propitious heaven must sure a hero save
+     Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!'
+
+“My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger,
+Pappendick, Stuffle, &c., &c.) were dressed exactly in the same way,
+but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in black. I
+have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the
+Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view than any set of
+ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would to heaven that the Czar of
+Muscovy had passed through Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old
+Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him! Bless you, bless you, my
+swart companions in victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the
+booming of your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye
+rage in the thickest of the battle!*
+
+     * I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to
+     pretend that my genius as a writer has not been equalled in
+     former times; but if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe,
+     or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful
+     sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is
+     all--I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO HIM.----G. O'G. G.,
+     M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+“But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a figure
+the Irregulars cut on a field-day--a line of five hundred black-faced,
+black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men--Biggs, Glogger, and
+the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of
+lightning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, like
+yon glorious orb in heaven.
+
+“There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's
+sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when we
+thought that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg
+had completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he broke up his
+camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard of him was,
+that he was at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam--he was, in
+fact, in the very heart of our territory.
+
+“The unfortunate part of the affair was this:--His Excellency, despising
+the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about two thousand
+miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest degree where to lay
+hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew,
+and for a considerable period the movements of Lake's cavalry were quite
+ambiguous, uncertain, promiscuous, and undetermined.
+
+“Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804. At the
+beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, cutting
+off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under lip), and I
+was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired
+for my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur--it
+is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have
+there a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon
+and the sticking-plaster.
+
+“Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the lower
+Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is fortified
+slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, meaning in
+Hindoostanee 'the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced-Feringhees-near
+the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram') occupied by Europeans. (It is
+astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, and how
+much can be conveyed in one or two of the commonest phrases.)
+
+“Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks with
+Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner of health
+at Futtyghur.
+
+“An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The cantonment at
+Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy slave.
+Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety! The fact is,
+that when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army all
+congregated to this place, where they were left, as it was supposed, in
+safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of all. I
+may at least mention SOME whose memory is still most dear to me. There
+was--
+
+“Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry.
+
+“Miss Bulcher.
+
+“Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in large
+capitals.)
+
+“Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy.
+
+“Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan.
+
+“The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more too
+numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, collected
+there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were,
+'Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge. Guard them with your
+life, watch over them with your honor, defend them with the matchless
+power of your indomitable arm.'
+
+“Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty air of
+the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has often ere
+this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of
+a hill--the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at its base; and no
+spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both by art
+and nature, as a favorite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher,
+Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies above mentioned,
+had each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and
+between one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as can
+the hours of any man who is away from his darling occupation of war.
+
+“I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant pettah,
+defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp,
+and a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my flag was planted, and
+the small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in
+the case-mates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there were besides
+three reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, who lived in the town,)
+completed, as I may say, the garrison of our little fortalice, which I
+was left to defend and to command.
+
+“On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had invited
+Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy,
+and, indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in
+honor of the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting
+season, and indeed as a farewell visit, for it was my intention to take
+dawk the very next morning and return to my regiment. The three amateur
+missionaries whom I have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of
+very rigid religious principles, refused to appear at my little party.
+They had better never have been born than have done as they did: as you
+shall hear.
+
+“We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of the
+delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar
+kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by
+every lady and gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire
+on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I
+was occupied, as the French say, in conter-ing fleurettes to this
+sweet young creature, when, all of a sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing
+through the air, and a strong light was visible in the valley below the
+little fort.
+
+“'What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda; 'this is too
+gallant.'
+
+“'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, 'they are fireworks of which I
+have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries--'
+
+“'Look, look!' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my
+arm: 'what do I see? yes--no--yes! it is--OUR BUNGALOW IS IN FLAMES!'
+
+“It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General was
+at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element--another and another
+succeeded it--seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the name
+of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black midnight air!
+
+“I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the
+conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of black
+forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could observe
+columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their
+ground in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which the
+bungalows were built!
+
+“'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling Belinda
+clung closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that encircled
+her waist), 'down with the drawbridge! see that your masolgees' (small
+tumbrels which are used in place of large artillery) 'be well loaded:
+you, sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the
+lights in the embrasures! we shall have warm work of it to-night, or my
+name is not Goliah Gahagan.'
+
+“The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the sepoys,
+choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the platform at
+the sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the consternation, shrill
+the screaming, occasioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and
+mute with terror! the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither to fly for
+refuge. 'Who are yonder ruffians?' said I. A hundred voices yelped in
+reply--some said the Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it
+was Scindiah, and others declared it was Holkar--no one knew.
+
+“'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to reconnoitre
+yonder troops?' There was a dead pause.
+
+“'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder army!'
+again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that Scindiah
+and Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared
+venture to face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Abmednuggarees!'
+thought I.
+
+“'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I see it--you are cowards--none of you dare
+encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect: know
+you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the morrow's
+dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men against our
+walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no
+hope; death for us--and worse than death for these lovely ones assembled
+here?' Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have heard the
+jackals on a summer's evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both
+her arms round me, and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket
+rather, for the little witch could reach no higher).
+
+“'Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, 'GO--GO--GOGGLE--IAH!'
+
+“'My soul's adored!' replied I.
+
+“'Swear to me one thing.'
+
+“'I swear.'
+
+“'That if--that if--the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a-attahs
+take the fort, you will put me out of their power.'
+
+“I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that,
+rather than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should perish
+by my own hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-General
+Bulcher, and her elder sister, who had not until now known a word of our
+attachment, (indeed, but for these extraordinary circumstances, it is
+probable that we ourselves should never have discovered it,) were
+under these painful circumstances made aware of my beloved
+Belinda's partiality for me. Having communicated thus her wish of
+self-destruction, I thought her example a touching and excellent one,
+and proposed to all the ladies that they should follow it, and that at
+the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at a signal given by me, they
+should one and all make away with themselves. Fancy my disgust when,
+after making this proposition, not one of the ladies chose to accede
+to it, and received it with the same chilling denial that my former
+proposal to the garrison had met with.
+
+“In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it,
+a trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the sentinels
+came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate
+with a flag of truce!
+
+“I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the party,
+whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the point of my
+sword a scroll, of which the following is a translation:--
+
+
+“'TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI.
+
+“'LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,--I have the honor to inform you that I arrived
+before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under
+my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in
+Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the painful
+necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs), and seven
+English officers, whom I found in the village; the women have been
+transferred to safe keeping in the harems of my officers and myself.
+
+“'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you
+will surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general
+(hookahbadar) in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your assent,
+I beg leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on
+taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison, and every
+female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall reserve a
+punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has, I flatter
+myself, hardly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favor of a reply, I am,
+Sir,
+
+“'Your very obedient servant,
+
+“'JESWUNT ROW HOLKAR.
+
+“'CAMP BEFORE FUTTYGHUR, Sept. 1, 1804.
+
+“'R. S. V. P.'
+
+
+“The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing
+how Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an enormous
+Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape, round
+which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock,
+and whistling a national melody. I read the letter, and saw at once
+there was no time to be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to
+Holkar. Were he to attack us now before we were prepared, the fort would
+be his in half an hour.
+
+“Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the gate
+and advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the little
+bridge across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the fashion of
+the country, and, as he bent forward to return the compliment, I am
+sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head,
+which deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him within the
+wall, raising the drawbridge after me.
+
+“I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I
+stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes,
+and, putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the
+enemy.”
+
+*****
+
+Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest of
+the staff, were sound asleep! What I did in my reconnaisance, and how
+I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of telling on
+another occasion.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE INDIAN CAMP--THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT.
+
+
+HEAD-QUARTERS, MORELLA, Oct. 3, 1838.
+
+It is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, and
+the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my
+casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The laugh and
+song pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the
+elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears
+of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of Riego's
+hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery of
+Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible and most bomb-proof
+tower of our little fortalice; the large casements are open--the wind,
+as it enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the
+orange grove and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant
+cedar-tree) flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses
+its scent and burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I
+write--meet implements for a soldier's authorship!--it is CARTRIDGE
+paper over which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of
+gunpowder forms my rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me,
+all--all is peace! I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country,
+England! and muse over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early
+days! Let me resume my narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the
+authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion.
+
+I left off, I think--(for I am a thousand miles away from proof-sheets
+as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must contradict
+myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)--I think, I say,
+that I left off at that period of my story, when, Holkar being before
+Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I had just been compelled
+to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in the fallen Indian's
+accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre the force, and, if possible,
+to learn the intentions of the enemy. However much my figure might have
+resembled that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might have
+deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge,
+it was evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn beard
+would have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army. Seizing,
+then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my hands,
+and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made my hair
+and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and chain hood covered
+likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence,
+and a complete command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from
+Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous
+ordeal.
+
+I had not the word of the night, it is true--but I trusted to good
+fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing the
+flag of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of hundred
+yards, when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just
+overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, and
+no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from his own horse, and giving
+the rein to a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger; a
+second fellow likewise dismounted and followed the first; one held
+the bridle of the horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams,
+aleikums, and other genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and
+kneeling, waited until I should mount.
+
+I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was a
+great man--that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air, gathered
+up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked saddle.
+“Buk, buk,” said I. “It is good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums,
+let us ride on.” And the whole party set off at a brisk trot, I keeping
+silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was about to
+encounter.
+
+As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual
+silence (for I suppose, I--that is the Indian--was a talkative officer).
+“The lips of the Bahawder are closed,” said one. “Where are those birds
+of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned between the
+golden bars of his teeth!”
+
+“Kush,” said his companion, “be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen the
+dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword
+reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion who can wear the
+papooshes of the elephant-slayer--it is Bobbachy Bahawder!”
+
+“You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the
+words of the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his
+thoughts.”
+
+“Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young birds, his actions, be strong
+and swift in flight.”
+
+“May they DIGEST IRON!” said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a wag in
+his way.
+
+“O-ho!” thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. “It was, then,
+the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and he is the
+man destined to stand in my slippers, is he?” and I was at that very
+moment standing in his own! Such are the chances and changes that fall
+to the lot of the soldier!
+
+I suppose everybody--everybody who has been in India, at least--has
+heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two
+Hindustanee words--bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He had
+entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, by his
+merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity of the
+peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen of the first class;
+he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's innumerable daughters: a
+match which, according to the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of
+honor than of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the
+field, it was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive,
+completely subjugated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of
+importance the late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had,
+as it appears, (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash
+in his attack upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate
+Pitan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I
+learned from the attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found out,
+an old favorite with the Bobbachy--doubtless on account of his honesty
+and love of repartee.
+
+“The Bahawder's lips are closed,” said he, at last, trotting up to me;
+“has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?”
+
+“Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah,” said I; which means, “My good
+friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and fills
+my bosom with the darkest forebodings.”
+
+“You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your
+dagger?”
+
+[Here was a pretty conspiracy!] “No, I saw him, but not alone; his
+people were always with him.”
+
+“Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree
+(whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon every
+man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a dozen men in
+the garrison, and they have not provision for two days--they must yield;
+and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I am told the soldiers
+who first get in are to have their pick. How my old woman, Rotee Muckun,
+will be surprised when I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,--ha!
+ha!”
+
+“Fool!” said I, “be still!--twelve men in the garrison! there are twelve
+hundred! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and as for food,
+I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing in the court-yard
+as I entered.” This WAS a bouncer, I confess; but my object was to
+deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possible of
+the capabilities of defence which the besieged had.
+
+“Pooch, pooch,” murmured the men; “it is a wonder of a fortress: we
+shall never be able to take it until our guns come up.”
+
+There was hope then! they had no battering-train. Ere this arrived,
+I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and march down to
+rescue us. Thus occupied in thought and conversation, we rode on until
+the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word,
+and we passed on into the centre of Holkar's camp.
+
+It was a strange--a stirring sight! The camp-fires were lighted; and
+round them--eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of the
+dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some Dhol Baut (or Indian
+improvisatore) were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and horses
+were picketed under the banyan-trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was
+growing, and offered them an excellent food. Towards the spot which the
+golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the
+tent of Holkar, led an immense avenue--of elephants! the finest street,
+indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on
+its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian
+matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the
+grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with
+pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, which
+grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We passed down this
+extraordinary avenue--no less than three hundred and eighty-eight
+tails did I count on each side--each tail appertaining to an elephant
+twenty-five feet high--each elephant having a two-storied castle on its
+back--each castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve
+men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof--each
+roof bearing a flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the
+crescent glittering with a thousand gems, and round it the imperial
+standard,--each standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the
+well-known device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of
+the first, a chevron, truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in
+the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, when I come
+to England, to show them to any gentleman who has a curiosity that way.
+Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade passed, and at last we
+arrived at the quarters occupied by Holkar.
+
+That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round
+one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and which he
+occupied during the siege. When I entered the large room where he sat,
+I found him in the midst of a council of war; his chief generals and
+viziers seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common
+way with these black fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner,
+supper, and bedtime. There was such a cloud raised by their smoke you
+could hardly see a yard before you--another piece of good luck for
+me--as it diminished the chances of my detection. When, with the
+ordinary ceremonies, the kitmatgars and consomahs had explained to the
+prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the universe
+(as the ignorant heathens called me), had arrived from his mission,
+Holkar immediately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on
+which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking
+off my slippers, falling on my knees, and beating my head against the
+ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and
+twenty feet through the room, and then up the twenty steps which led to
+his maidaun--a silly, painful, and disgusting ceremony, which can only
+be considered as a relic of barbarian darkness, which tears the knees
+and shins to pieces, let alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who
+goes to India, with the prospect of entering the service of the native
+rajahs, to recollect my advice and have them WELL-WADDED.
+
+Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he
+could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as I have
+said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived within
+speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of
+my mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of
+questions: “How many men are there in the fort?” said he; “how many
+women? Is it victualled? Have they ammunition? Did you see Gahagan
+Sahib, the commander? did you kill him?”
+
+All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of
+tobacco.
+
+Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon
+my honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could perceive
+anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I
+told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could with
+regard to the fort.
+
+“Sir” said I, “to answer your last question first--that dreadful Gujputi
+I have seen--and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in height; he
+can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred at present in the
+compound, and swears that during the siege he will content himself with
+only three a week): he has lost in battle his left eye; and what is
+the consequence? O Ram Gunge” (O thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning
+and-with-beard-as-black-as-night), “Goliah Gujputi--NEVER SLEEPS!”
+
+“Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world),” said the Prince Vizier,
+Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee--“it's joking you are;”--and there was a
+universal buzz through the room at the announcement of this bouncer.
+
+“By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu,” said I, solemnly,
+(an oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) “I swear that so it
+is: so at least he told me, and I have good cause to know his power.
+Gujputi is an enchanter: he is leagued with devils; he is invulnerable.
+Look,” said I, unsheathing my dagger--and every eye turned instantly
+towards me--“thrice did I stab him with this steel--in the back,
+once--twice right through the heart; but he only laughed me to scorn,
+and bade me tell Holkar that the steel was not yet forged which was to
+inflict an injury upon him.”
+
+I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this
+somewhat imprudent message.
+
+“Ah, lily-livered rogue!” shouted he out to me, “milk-blooded
+unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy master
+in thy presence! In the name of the prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee,
+abhor thee, degrade thee! Take that, thou liar of the universe! and
+that--and that--and that!”
+
+Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this old
+man said, “Take that,” he flung some article near him at the head of
+the undaunted Gahagan--his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly
+ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred
+thousand crores of rupees--finally, his hookah, snake mouthpiece,
+silver-bell, chillum and all--which went hissing over my head, and
+flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand Vizier.
+
+“Yock muzzee! my nose is off;” said the old man, mildly. “Will you have
+my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!” and no other word of complaint
+escaped his lips.
+
+Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as the
+ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar fiercely
+but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or two of the
+musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not
+a single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the unlucky
+wretches who had been the victims of this fit of rage had been removed,
+Holkar's good humor somewhat returned, and he allowed me to continue my
+account of the fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of
+his burst of impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of
+impoliteness to have done for such accidents happened many times in the
+day.
+
+“It is well that the Bobbachy has returned,” snuffled out the poor Grand
+Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary means of
+defence possessed by the garrison. “Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for
+this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we
+had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the edge of the
+sword.”
+
+“But you have no battering train,” said I.
+
+“Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to
+blow the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!” said Loll Mahommed,
+a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and contradicted,
+therefore, every word I said. “In the name of Juggernaut, why wait for
+the heavy artillery? Have we not swords? Have we not hearts? Mashallah!
+Let cravens stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed!
+Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah?” * and drawing his scimitar,
+he waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was
+repeated by many of the other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was
+carried into the camp, and caught up by the men; the camels began to
+cry, the horses to prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up
+a scream, the trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments.
+I never heard such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little
+garrison when I heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host!
+
+     * The Major has put the most approved language into the
+     mouths of his Indian characters.  Bismillah, Barikallah, and
+     so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of
+     Eastern conversation.
+
+There was but one way for it. “Sir,” said I, addressing Holkar, “go out
+to-night and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has not seen the
+fort as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what? to fall
+before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate,
+and then another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan's garrison in
+the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were I not in your august presence,
+O star of the faithful, I would crop Loll Mahommed's nose from his face,
+and wear his ears as an ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here
+that knows not the difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and
+Gahagan Khan Guj--I mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight
+one, two, three, or twenty of them, at broad-sword, small-sword,
+single-stick, with fists if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is
+like mate and dthrink to Ga--to Bobbachy, I mane--whoop! come on, you
+divvle, and I'll bate the skin off your ugly bones.”
+
+This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am agitated,
+I involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to my own
+country; which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as
+to my real character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it was,
+Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll
+Mahommed, however, evidently suspected something, for, as Holkar, with a
+voice of thunder, shouted out, “Tomasha (silence),” Loll sprang forward
+and gasped out--
+
+“My lord! my lord I this is not Bob--”
+
+But he could say no more. “Gag the slave!” screamed out Holkar, stamping
+with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the poor devil's
+jaws. “Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred
+dozen on the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry
+him round the camp, with an inscription before him: 'This is the way
+that Holkar rewards the talkative.'”
+
+I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo falling
+on Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, and thanked
+my stars that I was delivered of this danger.
+
+“Vizier,” said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, “I owe you
+a reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince, O Saadut Alee
+Beg Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut!”
+
+The good old man's eyes filled with tears. “I can bear thy severity, O
+Prince,” said he; “I cannot bear thy love. Was it not an honor that your
+Highness did me just now when you condescended to pass over the bridge
+of your slave's nose?”
+
+The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The Vizier
+retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed. Holkar was in high good
+humor.
+
+“Bobbachy,” said he, “thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, I have news
+for thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge,” (white and red
+rose,) has arrived in camp.”
+
+“My WIFE, my lord!” said I, aghast.
+
+“Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; I see thou art wild
+with joy. The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and I know thou
+longest to join her.”
+
+My wife? Here was a complication truly!
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE.
+
+
+I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at
+the gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the
+neighborhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before that
+time and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the present
+instance such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced when
+leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery.
+
+As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, some to
+ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs,
+attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the thousand delicacies of
+Eastern life. I motioned them away. “I will wear my armor,” said I; “I
+shall go forth to-night; carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve
+that to-night I have not the time to see her. Spread me a couch here,
+and bring me supper here: a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb
+stuffed with pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried
+kid--anything. Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when
+the meal is ready.”
+
+I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and hoped to
+be able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her
+curious eyes. After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell
+me that my supper was prepared in the inner apartment of the tent
+(I suppose that the reader, if he be possessed of the commonest
+intelligence, knows that the tents of the Indian grandees are made of
+the finest Cashmere shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at least, with
+carpets, chimneys, and sash-windows complete). I entered, I say, into an
+inner chamber, and there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the
+Oriental fashion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar,
+which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow.
+
+I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most savory
+stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle
+of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung
+open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon faces
+and slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise.
+
+The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her
+attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the complexion
+of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress
+and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow
+chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which was further
+ornamented by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted
+bright red, and a large dab of the same color on her chin, showed she
+was not of the Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith--and of a very high
+caste; you could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously made
+up as to my line of action.
+
+The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they heard
+the well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death to them
+to have remained and looked in her face. The females ranged themselves
+round their mistress, as she squatted down opposite to me.
+
+“And is this,” said she, “a welcome, O Khan! after six months' absence,
+for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world? Is this lamb,
+O glutton! half so tender as thy spouse? Is this wine, O sot! half so
+sweet as her looks?”
+
+I saw the storm was brewing--her slaves, to whom she turned, kept up a
+kind of chorus:--
+
+“Oh, the faithless one!” cried they. “Oh, the rascal, the false one, who
+has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the Khanum's!”
+
+“A lamb is not so sweet as love,” said I gravely: “but a lamb has a good
+temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman--but a wine-cup
+has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!” and again I dipped my nose in the
+soul-refreshing jar.
+
+The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my repartees;
+she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed
+until I lost all patience.
+
+“Retire, friends,” said I, “and leave me in peace.”
+
+“Stir, on your peril!” cried the Khanum.
+
+So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my pistols,
+cocked them, and said, “O houris! these pistols contain each two balls:
+the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me--but for you!--by all
+the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment longer
+in my presence!” This was enough; the ladies gave a shriek, and skurried
+out of the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing.
+
+Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather Bobbachy's wife,
+sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which her lord had
+displayed in her presence. I seized her hand and, gripping it close,
+whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol:--“O Khanum,
+listen and scream not; the moment you scream, you die!” She was
+completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman could in her situation,
+and said, “Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb.”
+
+“Woman,” said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which
+had covered almost the whole of my face--“I AM NOT THY HUSBAND--I am the
+slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!”
+
+As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my
+shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I
+formed one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and I
+recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next “Book of Beauty.”
+
+“Wretch!” said she, “what wouldst thou?”
+
+“You black-faced fiend,” said I, “raise but your voice, and you are
+dead!”
+
+“And afterwards,” said she, “do you suppose that YOU can escape? The
+torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will
+invent for thee.”
+
+“Tortures, madam?” answered I, coolly. “Fiddlesticks! You will neither
+betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the contrary, you will
+give me your best jewels and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don't
+grind your teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam : you know this
+dress and these arms;--they are the arms of your husband, Bobbachy
+Bahawder--MY PRISONER. He now lies in yonder fort, and if I do not
+return before daylight, at SUNRISE HE DIES: and then, when they send his
+corpse back to Holkar, what will you, HIS WIDOW, do?”
+
+“Oh!” said she, shuddering, “spare me, spare me!”
+
+“I'll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of dying
+along with him--of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death, from
+which your father cannot save you, to which he will be the first man
+to condemn and conduct you. Ha! I see we understand each other, and you
+will give me over the cash-box and jewels.” And so saying I threw myself
+back with the calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her.
+“Light me a pipe, my love,” said I, “and then go and hand me over the
+dollars; do you hear?” You see I had her in my power--up a tree, as
+the Americans say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then
+departed for the goods I spoke about.
+
+What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take that
+ride round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost.
+
+My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards, had
+occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned from her
+quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables to the amount
+of about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards,
+but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about to take my
+departure, when a tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard
+at the entrance of the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by
+that cursed Loll Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master
+restored to good humor, and had communicated to him his firm conviction
+that I was an impostor.
+
+“Ho, Begum,” shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people could
+not enter the women's apartments), “speak, O my daughter! is your
+husband returned?”
+
+“Speak, madam,” said I, “or REMEMBER THE ROASTING.”
+
+“He is, papa,” said the Begum.
+
+“Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!” (the old ruffian was laughing outside)--“are
+you sure it is?--Ha! aha!--HE-E-E!”
+
+“Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to pass
+no more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever seen the face
+of any other man?” And hereat she began to weep as if her heart would
+break--the deceitful minx!
+
+Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury. “Oh, you liar and eternal
+thief!” said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could only hear)
+to Loll Mahommed, “to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this!
+Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade him
+from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property: and hark ye,
+furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED DOZEN MORE!”
+
+Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my soul.
+
+*****
+
+Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the
+little fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a veil,
+the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his
+form, who carried in his hand a deal box of considerable size. The
+warrior at the gate gave the word and was admitted, the woman returned
+slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge; his was--
+
+G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+FAMINE IN THE GARRISON.
+
+
+Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my
+precious box into my own apartment, which communicated with another,
+where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should
+recover, and to prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of
+the guard. I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much confused
+and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance.
+
+“Why, Ghorumsaug,” said I, “what makes thee look so pale, fellow?” (he
+was as white as a sheet.) “It is thy master, dost thou not remember
+him?” The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's clothes, but was
+not present when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have
+described.
+
+“O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!” cried the faithful fellow, “and do I
+see my dear master disguised in this way? For heaven's sake let me rid
+you of this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the
+ball-room, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with
+his roses turned into coal?”
+
+I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which
+I write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little vain of
+my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear before my dear
+Belinda disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me
+of the heathenish armor and habiliments which I wore; and having, with
+a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their
+black tinge, I put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait
+on the ladies; hastened, I say,--although delayed would have been the
+better word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours.
+
+“How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?” said I, before leaving my apartment.
+
+“He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and
+myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command)
+has just been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure.”
+
+I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my
+exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help informing him
+of its contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post near the
+prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the
+fair creatures under my protection. “What good after all have I
+done,” thought I to myself, “in this expedition which I had so rashly
+undertaken?” I had seen the renowned Holkar, I had been in the heart of
+his camp; I knew the disposition of his troops, that there were eleven
+thousand of them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a regular
+attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say
+ROBBED her, and I don't care what the reader or any other man may think
+of the act) of a deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three
+millions sterling, the property of herself and husband.
+
+Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money and
+jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat
+a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her
+tea? Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would
+digest anything--(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a
+famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe,
+as well as the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from
+either,)--could I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of
+rupees, or a dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of
+Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its
+weight in carats for a good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth,
+what art thou? What is gold?--Soft metal. What are diamonds?--Shining
+tinsel. The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the sole
+objects worthy of a soldier's consideration, are beefsteaks, gunpowder,
+and cold iron.
+
+The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own
+apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with
+a candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery
+(4 long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for
+grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assaye), and muskets
+for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the reader in a
+previous number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon; add
+to these my guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in
+tights, powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely
+for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege). Such were our
+numbers:--
+
+     Ladies                       74
+     Troops and artillerymen      40
+     Other non-combatants         11
+     MAJOR-GEN. O'G. GAHAGAN    1000
+                                ----
+                               1,125
+
+I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the
+army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an
+ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths;
+as combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort,
+against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if--
+
+IF!--ay, there was the rub--IF we had SHOT, as well as powder for our
+guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT. Of the former commodity we had
+only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honor,
+to feed 126 souls, we had but
+
+     Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
+     Of soda-water, four ditto.
+     Two bottles of fine Spanish olives.
+     Raspberry cream--the remainder of two dishes.
+     Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle.
+     Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
+     Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust
+     of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins.
+     Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles
+     of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple
+     of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil.
+
+This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after supper had
+seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried off from the
+table; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on
+my return, taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and
+treasure what little sustenance still remained in it.
+
+When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not
+only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom, which was
+of the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you never behold
+such a sight as that which presented itself: eighty-three men and women
+in ball-dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming
+over their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged
+rouge, blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins--each more
+desperately melancholy and hideous than the other--each, except my
+beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl,
+could of course never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily,
+could, as it may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and
+beauteous arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and
+therefore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder
+had come off. Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes
+as I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses
+mantled in her cheek! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened
+their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions, regarding my
+adventures in the camp--SHE, as she saw me, gave a faint scream, (the
+sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat of a woman!)
+then started up--then made as if she would sit down--then moved
+backwards--then tottered forwards--then tumbled into my--Psha! why
+recall, why attempt to describe that delicious--that passionate greeting
+of two young hearts? What was the surrounding crowd to US? What cared we
+for the sneers of the men, the titters of the jealous women, the shrill
+“Upon my word!” of the elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations
+of Belinda's mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms.
+“Goliah! my Goliah!” said she, “my brave, my beautiful, THOU art
+returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh! who can tell the anguish
+of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night!” Other similar
+ejaculations of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD perilled life
+in her service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there was none, so
+exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in this
+overwhelming joy!
+
+*****
+
+[The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very
+most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been
+compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole passage, though
+highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the
+reader.]
+
+*****
+
+As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were
+giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round
+with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can
+sometimes put on, I shouted out, “Hark ye men and women--I am this
+lady's truest knight--her husband I hope one day to be. I am
+commander, too, in this fort--the enemy is without it; another word of
+mockery--another glance of scorn--and, by heaven, I will hurl every man
+and woman from the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar!” This
+quieted them. I am a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked
+disrespectfully from that moment.
+
+It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish. Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy
+(whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who has
+been in India) cried, “Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so
+pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the
+ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast.” And Mrs. Van giggled
+as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. “Oh! breakfast,
+breakfast by all means,” said the rest; “we really are dying for a warm
+cup of tea.”
+
+“Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies?” says I.
+
+“Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like,” said fat Mrs. Van.
+
+“What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?” Of course they said it
+was the very thing.
+
+“And do you like hot rowls or cowld--muffins or crumpets--fresh
+butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant
+divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys,
+and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?”
+
+“Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow,” answered they all.
+
+“But stop,” says I. “O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, that
+you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been
+without--”
+
+“What?” said they, in a breath.
+
+“Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole
+house.”
+
+“Well, well, we can do without it.”
+
+“Or a single pound of coffee.”
+
+“Never mind; let that pass too.” (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning
+to look alarmed.)
+
+“And about the kidneys--now I remember, the black divvles outside the
+fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys
+without them?” (Here there was a slight o--o--o!)
+
+“And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the
+cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or
+love: but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just
+as good.”
+
+“Oh! just as good.”
+
+“Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had--no,
+nor a fresh chicken,” continued I, “nor a stale one either; nor a
+tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste
+in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!”
+
+“In the name of heaven!” said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, “what is
+there, then?”
+
+“Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now,” shouted I.
+“There's
+
+     “Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer,” &c. &c. &c.
+
+And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the
+ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly.
+
+“Law! Mr. Gahagan,” said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, “give me the
+ham-sandwiches--I must manage to breakfast off them.”
+
+And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest
+proposition! Of course I did not accede to it--why should I? I was the
+commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very sandwiches
+for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. “Ladies,” said I, “there are
+in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this is all the food
+which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none--of drink there
+is a tolerable quantity; and at one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine
+and one olive shall be served out to each woman: the men will receive
+two glasses, and an olive and a fig--and this must be your food during
+the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and if he
+be--why, still there is a chance--why do I say a chance?--a CERTAINTY of
+escaping from the hands of these ruffians.”
+
+“Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!” screeched the whole covey
+at a breath.
+
+“It lies,” answered I, “in the POWDER MAGAZINE. I will blow this fort,
+and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of Holkar.”
+
+The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in
+Holkar's camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear Belinda
+whispered in my ear, “Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my
+heart's Goliah!” I felt I was right: I could have blown her up twenty
+times for the luxury of that single moment! “And now, ladies,” said I,
+“I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer
+professional consolation--the other gentlemen will follow me up stairs
+to the ramparts, where I shall find plenty of work for them.”
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE ESCAPE.
+
+
+Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey,
+and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded
+to review my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in command of
+Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may be
+seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair of honor); and
+the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing
+to kill him, had been left in charge of that officer. Three of the
+garrison (one of them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own
+body-servant, Ghorumsaug above named,) were appointed to watch the
+captive by turns, and never leave him out of their sight. The lieutenant
+was instructed to look to them and to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy
+was severely injured by the blow which I had given him, and was,
+moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I
+considered myself sure of his person.
+
+Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little
+force, and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not
+surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but
+desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him,
+and ordered him to appear immediately.
+
+The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered some
+information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten to the
+apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined.
+
+The men had fled;--Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my
+astonishment when I found--with a rope cutting his naturally wide
+mouth almost into his ears--with a dreadful sabre-cut across his
+forehead--with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied between
+his legs--my unhappy, my attached friend--Mortimer Macgillicuddy!
+
+He had been in this position for about three hours--it was the very
+position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed--an
+attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape
+impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner.
+
+I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured half a
+bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his mouth, and
+when he had been released, he informed me of the circumstances that had
+taken place.
+
+Fool that I was! idiot!--upon my return to the fort, to have been
+anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple
+of hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and
+complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner--when his escape
+would have been prevented. O foppery, foppery!--it was that cursed love
+of personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty to my general,
+my country, my monarch, and my own honor!
+
+Thus it was that the escape took place:--My own fellow of the
+Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the operation to
+my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and
+removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken from the back of the
+prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?--Why, he
+carried back the dress to the Bobbachy--he put it, once more, on its
+right owner; he and his infernal black companions (who had been won over
+by the Bobbachy with promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy,
+who was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to
+the outer gate, and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself,
+who had first come in, and was as likely to go out again,--(indeed my
+rascally valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him
+and his two companions to reconnoitre,)--opened the gates, and off they
+went!
+
+This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!--and
+for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE
+ROUNDS;--he HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this
+cruel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been
+on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I had changed
+the guard at the gate (whom they had won over likewise); and yet,
+although they had overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for
+the start, they had positively no means for effecting their escape,
+until I was ass enough to put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice
+besotted fool that I was, to think of my own silly person when I should
+have been occupied solely with my public duty.
+
+From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from the
+effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him, and from
+my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. A sudden and
+painful thought struck me--my precious box!--I rushed back, I found that
+box--I have it still. Opening it, there, where I had left ingots, sacks
+of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, strings of diamonds as big as
+ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings
+of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes--I
+found--a piece of paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language,
+which are thus, word for word, translated:
+
+                         “EPIGRAM.
+
+             “(On disappointing a certain Major.)
+
+          “The conquering Lion return'd with his prey,
+           And safe in his cavern he set it,
+           The sly little fox stole the booty away;
+           And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
+           'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'”
+
+Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. I
+stamped,--I swore,--I don't know to what insane lengths my rage might
+have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming,
+“The enemy, the enemy!”
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE CAPTIVE.
+
+
+It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving my
+sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I at once
+frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that
+flamingo-plume floating in the breeze--that awful figure standing in the
+breach--that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky--well, I say, they
+knew the name of the humble individual who owned the sword, the plume,
+and the figure. The ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry behind.
+The flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos,
+and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a strange,
+barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries,
+were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the
+orders of Holkar.
+
+You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does on
+a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the Burrumpooter
+river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide,
+so that I had no fear about them attacking me in THAT quarter. My guns,
+therefore (with their six-and-thirty miserable charges of shot) were
+dragged round to the point at which I conceived Holkar would be most
+likely to attack me. I was in a situation that I did not dare to fire,
+except at such times as I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge
+of a cannon; so the attacking party marched and marched, very strongly,
+about a mile and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving
+the slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four hundred
+yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness,
+through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never would
+have ventured so near). At that distance--it was about the spot where
+the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise--the invading force stopped;
+the elephants drew up in a line, at right angles with our wall (the
+fools! they thought they should expose themselves too much by taking a
+position parallel to it); the cavalry halted too, and--after the deuce's
+own flourish of trumpets and banging of gongs, to be sure,--somebody, in
+a flame-colored satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree
+(that looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet),
+got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a
+speech.
+
+The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable
+precision, about three hundred of them. The following little diagram
+will explain matters:--
+
+                                       __G
+                                      |
+           ....................       |
+                    E                 |
+                                      |
+                                      |
+                                      | F
+
+E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in the
+fort. NOW the reader will see what I did.
+
+The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro gracefully
+before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun
+G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself;
+bang! it went, and what was the consequence? Why, this:--
+
+                    X
+           ____________________       |__G
+           ....................       |
+                    E                 |
+                                      |
+                                      |
+                                      | F
+
+F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the elephants, as
+we have previously seen them. What then is X? X IS THE LINE TAKEN BY THE
+BALL FIRED FROM G, which took off ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR elephants'
+trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that
+stood the hundred and thirty-fifth.
+
+I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun
+was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, and
+contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal? An
+ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his mark, and what
+would have been the consequence? Why, that the ball might have killed
+two elephants and wounded a third; but here, probably, it would have
+stopped, and done no further mischief. The TRUNK was the place at which
+to aim; there are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the
+bullet, shearing, as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five
+probosces. Heavens! what a howl there was when the shot took effect!
+What a sudden stoppage of Holkar's speech! What a hideous snorting of
+elephants! What a rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some
+demon was pursuing them!
+
+Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, rushing
+forward myself, I shouted to my men, “My friends, yonder lies your
+dinner!” We flung open the gates--we tore down to the spot where the
+elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that
+escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their
+trunks behind them. A great quantity of them we seized; and I myself,
+cutting up with my scimitar a couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher
+would a calf, motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort,
+where barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of
+the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had
+promised to my female friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved
+for the ladies was a young white one--the fattest and tenderest I
+ever ate, in my life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has
+an India-rubber flavor, which, until one is accustomed to it, is
+unpalatable.
+
+It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence on
+the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had forced their
+way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the garrison
+larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine,
+which were locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a sentinel.
+Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind
+to eat HER. However, we made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued
+steaks, and when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing that
+there was enough for one meal more.
+
+The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force,
+attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my good
+sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and
+the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy
+sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when
+another attack was made, what were we to do? We had still a little
+powder left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron-bars, &c. in
+the garrison! On this day, too, we devoured the last morsel of our food:
+I shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I
+saw her sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the little
+white elephant's roasted tail.
+
+The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are never
+at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I discovered charges
+sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but
+had bores of about blunderbuss size.
+
+This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader may
+remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. The poor
+wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and
+came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindustan jargon.
+Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who picked off every one of
+our men who showed their noses above the ramparts: and a great host of
+blackamoors with scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines,
+gabions, culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other
+appurtenances of offensive war.
+
+On they came: my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask how my
+pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were without food,
+I knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the
+two guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into each
+swivel.
+
+They advanced,--whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,--bang! went the
+other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first contact with an
+opposing body, they certainly floored it but they became at once like so
+much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they struck
+down.
+
+“Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine
+Imaums!)” shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the
+failure of my shot. “Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has no
+more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who
+brings me Gahagan's head!”
+
+His men set up a shout, and rushed forward--he, to do him justice, was
+at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and poking them
+with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the hill: I was
+black with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair.
+“Macgillicuddy,” said I, calling that faithful officer, “you know where
+the barrels of powder are?” He did. “You know the use to make of them?”
+ He did. He grasped my hand. “Goliah,” said he, “farewell! I swear that
+the fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried
+it. Oh, my poor mother!” added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet
+fearless, he retired to his post.
+
+I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then,
+stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels;--a shower of
+matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them.
+
+I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, and
+his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. Loll
+was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I
+fired--bang! ! !
+
+I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives were
+lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. The wretch,
+uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back
+dead; the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran--the whole
+host ran as one man: their screams might be heard for leagues. “Tomasha,
+tomasha,” they cried, “it is enchantment!” Away they fled, and the
+victory a third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back
+to my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot
+hunger in the thought of once more beholding HER!
+
+The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, and
+almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which caused in her
+bosom an emotion so strong--it was hunger! “Oh! my Goliah,” whispered
+she, “for three days I have not tasted food--I could not eat that horrid
+elephant yesterday; but now--oh! heaven! . . . .” She could say no
+more, but sank almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered to her a
+trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a moment, and then rushed
+down stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, she
+should still have something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered
+that three or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been
+killed by us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought
+I, has no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get
+something better.
+
+I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part,
+assembled. “Men,” said I, “our larder is empty; we must fill it as we
+did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a foraging
+party?” I expected that, as on former occasions, every man would offer
+to accompany me.
+
+To my astonishment, not a soul moved--a murmur arose among the troops;
+and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward.
+
+“Captain,” he said, “it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants for
+ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the fort when
+the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now as then,
+and we won't go elephant-hunting any more.”
+
+“Ruffian!” I said, “he who first talks of surrender, dies!” and I cut
+him down. “Is there any one else who wishes to speak?”
+
+No one stirred.
+
+“Cowards! miserable cowards!” shouted I; “what, you dare not move for
+fear of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled before
+your arms--what, do I say YOUR arms?--before MINE!--alone I did it; and
+as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress! Ho! open
+the gate!”
+
+I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the elephants
+that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had fallen, about
+four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very
+steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the animals, choosing
+a tolerably small and plump one, of about thirteen feet high, which the
+vultures had respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and made
+for the fort.
+
+As I marched up the acclivity, whiz--piff--whir! came the balls over
+my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the body of the
+elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and
+quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse: they came nearer,
+nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort--seventy--fifty!
+I strained every nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion--I
+ran--could a man run very fast with such a tremendous weight on his
+shoulders?
+
+Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my
+tail. O heaven! five yards more--one moment--and I am saved! It is
+done--I strain the last strain--I make the last step--I fling forward my
+precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and--I
+fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE OUTSIDE! Fifty knives
+are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes--fifty black hands are at my
+throat, when a voice exclaims, “Stop!--kill him not, it is Gujputi!” A
+film came over my eyes--exhausted nature would bear no more.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR.
+
+
+When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found myself in
+a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor
+(whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an
+air of sagacity.
+
+“Where am I?” I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange
+faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. “Bekhusm!” said the
+apothecary. “Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of those who know
+his valor, and will save his life.”
+
+“Know my valor, slave? Of course you do,” said I; “but the fort--the
+garrison--the elephant--Belinda, my love--my darling--Macgillicuddy--the
+scoundrelly mutineers--the deal bo-- . . . .”
+
+I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily upon
+my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. I fainted
+again, and I know not how long I lay insensible.
+
+Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied restoratives,
+and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much refreshed. I had no
+wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they
+might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill
+a quarter of a mile in length. Walking, the task is bad enough: but
+running, it is the deuce; and I would recommend any of my readers who
+may be disposed to try and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account,
+to go a pace of more than five miles an hour.
+
+Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door
+(plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single old
+gentleman, richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I
+had surely seen him before. No--yes--no--yes--it WAS he: the snowy white
+beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, and level with the
+rest of the venerable face, proclaimed him at once to be--Saadut Alee
+Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime vizier; whose nose, as the reader
+may recollect, his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my
+interview with him in the Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too
+well--I was in the hands of Holkar.
+
+Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a mild
+air of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he was torn
+to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference with
+Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said,
+“Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceitful, valor is
+unavailing, fame is only wind--the nightingale sings of the rose all
+night--where is the rose in the morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by
+a frost. The rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is
+that delightful song-bird? Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted,
+and roasted! Who knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan
+Gujputi!”
+
+“It is well,” said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. “Gahagan
+Gujputi will bear it like a man.”
+
+“No doubt--like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so long
+to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which there comes
+not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry spring-time--grief is
+often succeeded by joy.”
+
+“Interpret, O riddler!” said I; “Gahagan Khan is no reader of
+puzzles--no prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords.”
+
+“Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power.”
+
+“I know it.”
+
+“You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning.”
+
+“I dare say.”
+
+“They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your fingers,
+and your eyes from your head.”
+
+“Very possibly.”
+
+“They will flay you alive, and then burn you.”
+
+“Well; they can't do any more.”
+
+“They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,”--it was not
+then taken!--“and repeat upon them the same tortures.”
+
+“Ha! Belinda! Speak--how can all this be avoided?”
+
+“Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda.”
+
+“He does, Vizier, to distraction.”
+
+“Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?”
+
+“A captain.”
+
+“A miserable captain--oh shame! Of what creed is he?”
+
+“I am an Irishman, and a Catholic.”
+
+“But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?”
+
+“Alas, no.”
+
+“He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?”
+
+“'Tis too true.”
+
+“Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me to
+thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife--your second wife, that
+is;--the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves you to
+madness;--with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have the wealth
+and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to get rid.
+You shall be second in command of his Highness's forces. Look, here
+is his commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the
+sacred names of the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce your
+religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours.”
+
+He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it was
+beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years, but a
+rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth, and washed
+off every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and said, “This is a
+tempting offer. O Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it?”
+
+After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to give
+him an answer. My mind, however, was made up--as soon as he was gone, I
+threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep.
+
+*****
+
+At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were with
+him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I
+did not recognize. It was about midnight.
+
+“Have you considered?” said the Vizier as he came to my couch.
+
+“I have,” said I, sitting up,--I could not stand, for my legs were tied,
+and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. “I have,” said I,
+“unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert a Christian gentleman
+from his faith and honor? Ruffian blackamoors! do your worst; heap
+tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear me to pieces: after
+you have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it;
+and if I did, if each torture could last a life, if each limb were
+to feel the agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear
+all--all--all--all--all--ALL!” My breast heaved--my form dilated--my eye
+flashed as I spoke these words. “Tyrants!” said I, “dulce et decorum est
+pro patria mori.” Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent.
+
+The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down his
+cheeks.
+
+“What a constancy,” said he. “Oh, that such beauty and such bravery
+should be doomed so soon to quit the earth!”
+
+His tall companion only sneered and said, “AND BELINDA--?”
+
+“Ha!” said I, “ruffian, be still!--heaven will protect her spotless
+innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too! Who, with his
+single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain
+thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants? Three
+hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of these I slew one hundred
+and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates
+thee, spurns thee, spits on thee!”
+
+Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of rage,
+and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once (it was
+the very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward, and
+seizing his arm, cried--
+
+“Papa! oh, save him!” It was Puttee Rooge! “Remember,” continued she,
+“his misfortunes--remember, oh, remember my--love!”--and here she
+blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging down her
+head, looked the very picture of modest affection.
+
+Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, “'Tis better as it
+is; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. None of this
+shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge,” continued the tyrant, dragging her
+away. “Captain Gahagan dies three hours from hence.” Puttee Rooge
+gave one scream and fainted--her father and the Vizier carried her off
+between them; nor was I loth to part with her, for, with all her love,
+she was as ugly as the deuce.
+
+They were gone--my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of life:
+so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As it
+may happen to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and to be
+hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan
+of going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found to be
+successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal
+of unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man the coming
+catastrophe.
+
+*****
+
+Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance in
+the heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to conduct
+me to the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the
+very white donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the camp
+after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to
+his rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all sides; my ass
+was conducted by the common executioner: a crier went forward, shouting
+out, “Make way for the destroyer of the faithful--he goes to bear the
+punishment of his crimes.” We came to the fatal plain: it was the very
+spot whence I had borne away the elephant, and in full sight of the
+fort. I looked towards it. Thank heaven! King George's banner waved on
+it still--a crowd were gathered on the walls--the men, the dastards
+who had deserted me--and women, too. Among the latter I thought I
+distinguished ONE who--O gods! the thought turned me sick--I trembled
+and looked pale for the first time.
+
+“He trembles! he turns pale,” shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously
+exulting over his conquered enemy.
+
+“Dog!” shouted I--(I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail, and
+so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)--“not so pale as you looked
+when I felled you with this arm--not so pale as your women looked when
+I entered your harem!” Completely chop-fallen, the Indian ruffian was
+silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM.
+
+We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet thick
+and eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake, about seven
+feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two
+fetters; in these my wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood
+near, with strange-looking instruments: others were blowing at a fire,
+over which was a caldron, and in the embers were stuck other prongs and
+instruments of iron.
+
+The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in effect
+as that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the Grand
+Vizier. I confess I was too agitated to catch every word that was
+spoken.
+
+Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The
+Grand Vizier came up to me--it was his duty to stand by, and see the
+punishment performed. “It is yet time!” said he.
+
+I nodded my head, but did not answer.
+
+The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a
+voice choking with emotion, said, “EXECUTIONER--DO--YOUR--DUTY!”
+
+The horrid man advanced--he whispered sulkily in the ears of the Grand
+Vizier, “Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree,” said he, “the oil does not boil
+yet--wait one minute.” The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil was
+heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside: taking a large ladle full of
+the boiling liquid, he advanced--
+
+*****
+
+“Whish! bang, bang! pop!” the executioner was dead at my feet, shot
+through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face
+of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. “Whish!
+bang! pop! Hurrah!--charge!--forwards!--cut them down!--no quarter!”
+
+I saw--yes, no, yes, no, yes!--I saw regiment upon regiment of galloping
+British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives. First of
+the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On came the
+gallant line of black steeds and horsemen, swift, swift before them rode
+my officers in yellow--Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres
+gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air. “D--- them!” they
+cried, “give it them, boys!” A strength supernatural thrilled through my
+veins at that delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I wrested the
+post from its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not release
+my hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam tightly,
+I sprung forward--with one blow I levelled the five executioners in the
+midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can; with the
+next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off their legs; with
+the third, I caught that chief himself in the small of the back, and
+sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers!
+
+The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick leading
+on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had swept far
+away. We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes
+afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found me
+sitting on it.
+
+“Look at Gahagan,” said his lordship. “Gentlemen, did I not tell you we
+should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?”
+
+The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF
+FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of November,
+1804.
+
+*****
+
+About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in the
+Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:--“Married, on the 25th of
+December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady
+Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Abmednuggar, to Belinda,
+second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the
+Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride; and after a splendid dejeune,
+the happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus
+must recollect, however, that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side. The
+Irregulars are nothing without their leader.”
+
+Such was the paragraph--such the event--the happiest in the existence of
+
+G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+
+
+
+A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG.
+
+
+It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that bathes
+its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as now, by a few
+rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers, and funguses,
+and creeping ivy. No, no! where the ivy now clusters there grew strong
+portcullis and bars of steel; where the wallflower now quivers in the
+rampart there were silken banners embroidered with wonderful heraldry;
+men-at-arms marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a
+hideous black champignon; and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant
+me there were ladies and knights to revel in the great halls, and
+to feast, and to dance, and to make love there. They are passed
+away:--those old knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to
+silver, and then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their
+elegant legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and
+gouty, and then, from being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to
+bare bone-shanks; the roses left their cheeks, and then their cheeks
+disappeared, and left their skulls, and then their skulls powdered into
+dust, and all sign of them was gone. And as it was with them, so shall
+it be with us. Ho, seneschal! fill me a cup of liquor! put sugar in it,
+good fellow--yea, and a little hot water; a very little, for my soul is
+sad, as I think of those days and knights of old.
+
+They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?--gone?--nay,
+not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of them as they
+walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining faintly in their coats
+of steel, wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long-tailed
+gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them
+still in the far-off Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions
+as they hasten to battle or tourney--and the dim echoes of their lutes
+chanting of love and fair ladies! Gracious privilege of poesy! It is as
+the Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures
+that to the sight of donkeys are invisible. Blessed treasures of fancy!
+I would not change ye--no, not for many donkey-loads of gold. . . . Fill
+again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me up the produce on the
+hostel door--surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the wondrous
+liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and princesses look blandly
+down on us from the cloudy perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what
+year the fairies left the Rhine?--long before Murray's “Guide-Book”
+ was wrote--long before squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came
+paddling down the stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the
+appearance of eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne
+as a wonder? Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied
+by their ladies'-maids. But of them we will say no more--let us back to
+those who went before them.
+
+Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when
+chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon the
+banks of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, and hence
+must be positively true. 'Tis a story of knights and ladies--of love
+and battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes and noble lords,
+moreover: the best of company. Gentles, an ye will, ye shall hear it.
+Fair dames and damsels, may your loves be as happy as those of the
+heroine of this romaunt.
+
+On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in the
+year previously indicated, such travellers as might have chanced to
+be abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer
+journeying on the road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not
+tall in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and Time, which
+had browned and furrowed his cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray,
+declared pretty clearly that He must have been acquainted with the
+warrior for some fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a
+powerful and active battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had
+come that day was long and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his
+armor and luggage, with seeming ease. As it was in a friend's country,
+the knight did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet,
+which hung at his saddlebow over his portmanteau. Both were marked with
+the coronet of a count; and from the crown which surmounted the helmet,
+rose the crest of his knightly race, an arm proper lifting a naked
+sword.
+
+At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior's grasp, hung his
+mangonel or mace--a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains of
+many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest there
+fell the triangular shield of the period, whereon were emblazoned his
+arms--argent, a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second: the
+latter device was awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, by the
+Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the German Peerage of that day,
+or a knowledge of high families which every gentleman then possessed,
+would have sufficed to show at once that the rider we have described was
+of the noble house of Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir
+Ludwig of Hombourg: his rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor
+of Austria, was marked by the cap of maintenance with the peacock's
+feather which he wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely
+blood was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a very
+meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, as it is known,
+in the middle ages, none but princes were justified in using. A bag,
+fastened with a brazen padlock, and made of the costly produce of
+the Persian looms (then extremely rare in Europe), told that he had
+travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, was evident from the inscription
+writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the bag. It first ran “Count
+Ludwig de Hombourg, Jerusalem;” but the name of the Holy City had been
+dashed out with the pen, and that of “Godesberg” substituted. So far
+indeed had the cavalier travelled!--and it is needless to state that the
+bag in question contained such remaining articles of the toilet as the
+high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place in his valise.
+
+“By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!” said the good knight, shivering,
+“'tis colder here than at Damascus! Marry, I am so hungry I could eat
+one of Saladin's camels. Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner?”
+ And taking out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his
+embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by finding that it
+was but seven of the night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the
+warder had sounded the second gong.
+
+His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which could
+trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to this famous
+castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome signal which
+told that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg,
+were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight o'clock. Crowds
+of pages and horse-keepers were in the court, when, the portcullis being
+raised, and amidst the respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most
+ancient friend of the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard.
+The under-butler stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. “Welcome, Sir
+Count, from the Holy Land!” exclaimed the faithful old man. “Welcome,
+Sir Count, from the Holy Land!” cried the rest of the servants in the
+hall. A stable was speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst,
+and it was not before the gallant soldier had seen that true animal well
+cared for, that he entered the castle itself, and was conducted to his
+chamber. Wax-candles burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china
+vases, every variety of soap, and a flask of the precious essence
+manufactured at the neighboring city of Cologne, were displayed on his
+toilet-table; a cheering fire “crackled on the hearth,” and showed
+that the good knight's coming had been looked and cared for. The
+serving-maidens, bringing him hot water for his ablutions, smiling
+asked, “Would he have his couch warmed at eve?” One might have been sure
+from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an arch reply. The
+family tonsor came to know whether the noble Count had need of his
+skill. “By Saint Bugo,” said the knight, as seated in an easy settle
+by the fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and
+lightly passed the tongs and pomatum through “the sable silver” of his
+hair,--“By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand Cairo.
+How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady countess, his mother;
+and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother-in-arms?”
+
+“They are well,” said the tonsor, with a sigh.
+
+“By Saint Bugo, I'm glad on't; but why that sigh?”
+
+“Things are not as they have been with my good lord,” answered the
+hairdresser, “ever since Count Gottfried's arrival.”
+
+“He here!” roared Sir Ludwig. “Good never came where Gottfried was!”
+ and the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed admirably the
+proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the
+spotless vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa, which was
+the fitting costume for “knight in ladye's bower,” the knight entered
+into a conversation with the barber, who explained to him, with the
+usual garrulousness of his tribe, what was the present position of the
+noble family of Godesberg.
+
+This will be narrated in the next chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE GODESBERGERS.
+
+
+'Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg
+found in the bosom of his friend's family a cordial welcome. The
+brother-in-arms of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the
+Margravine, the exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and (albeit no
+theologian, and although the first princes of Christendom coveted such
+an honor,) he was selected to stand as sponsor for the Margrave's son
+Otto, the only child of his house.
+
+It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been united:
+and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more than one
+child, it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and that surely
+never lighted on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Ludwig,
+hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved godchild, he had
+left him a boy; he now found him, as the latter rushed into his arms,
+grown to be one of the finest young men in Germany: tall and excessively
+graceful in proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his
+cheek, that was likewise adorned with the first down of manhood, and
+with magnificent golden ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling
+over his brow and his shoulders. His eyes alternately beamed with the
+fire of daring, or melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well
+might a mother be proud of such a boy. Well might the brave Ludwig
+exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his breast, “By St. Bugo of
+Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion's
+grenadiers!” and it was the fact: the “Childe” of Godesberg measured six
+feet three.
+
+He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple attire
+of the nobleman of the period--and his costume a good deal resembled
+that of the old knight whose toilet we have just described; with the
+difference of color, however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of
+Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of carved and
+embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leggings, were of the stuff of
+Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard argosies at an immense price from
+China. The neighboring country of Holland had supplied his wrists and
+bosom with the most costly laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat
+placed on one side of his head, ornamented with a single flower,
+(that brilliant one, the tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather's
+dressing-room, and warned him that the banquet was ready.
+
+It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady
+Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation; for
+she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid fish now
+smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for herself, but for her
+lord's sake. “Godesberg,” whispered she to Count Ludwig, as trembling
+on his arm they descended from the drawing-room, “Godesberg is sadly
+changed of late.”
+
+“By St. Bugo!” said the burly knight, starting, “these are the very
+words the barber spake.”
+
+The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen. For
+some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much occupied in
+ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves' head of which the
+delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay,
+marry, and in eating them, too,) to look at his brother-in-arms at the
+bottom of the table, where he sat with his son on his left hand, and the
+Baron Gottfried on his right.
+
+The Margrave was INDEED changed. “By St. Bugo,” whispered Ludwig to the
+Countess, “your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been wounded o'
+the head.” Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The
+soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig remarked that the
+Margrave sent all away untasted.
+
+“The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg,” said the Margrave
+gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to drink! how
+different was this from the old times!
+
+But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to hand
+round the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party, and to
+fill young Otto's goblet, (which the latter held up with the eagerness
+of youth,) the Margrave's rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son; he
+dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest: and giving him three or four
+heavy blows which would have knocked down a bonassus, but only caused
+the young Childe to blush: “YOU take wine!” roared out the Margrave;
+“YOU dare to help yourself! Who time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help
+yourself?” and the terrible blows were reiterated over the delicate ears
+of the boy.
+
+“Ludwig! Ludwig!” shrieked the Margravine.
+
+“Hold your prate, madam,” roared the Prince. “By St. Buffo, mayn't a
+father beat his own child?”
+
+“HIS OWN CHILD!” repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a shriek of
+indescribable agony. “Ah, what did I say?”
+
+Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the Margrave's
+right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much agitated by the
+recent conflict to wear any expression but that of extreme discomfiture;
+but the poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red almost as
+the lobster which flanked the turbot before her.
+
+In those rude old times, 'tis known such table quarrels were by no
+means unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen
+the Margrave cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or empty a
+sauce-boat in the direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one
+of the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend, and wisely
+determined to change the converse.
+
+“How is my friend,” said he, “the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?”
+
+“By Saint Buffo, this is too much!” screamed the Margrave, and actually
+rushed from time room.
+
+“By Saint Bugo,” said his friend, “gallant knights, gentle sirs, what
+ails my good Lord Margave?”
+
+“Perhaps his nose bleeds,” said Gottfried, with a sneer.
+
+“Ah, my kind friend,” said the Margravine with uncontrollable emotion,
+“I fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into the fire.” And
+making the signal of departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to
+coffee in the drawing-room.
+
+The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected than he
+had been. “Otto,” he said sternly, “go join the ladies: it becomes not a
+young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights after dinner.”
+ The noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room, and the
+Margrave, taking his lady's place at the head of the table, whispered
+to Sir Ludwig, “Hildebrandt will be here to-night to an evening-party,
+given in honor of your return from Palestine. My good friend--my true
+friend--my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see that
+the fiddlers be not drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready.” Sir
+Gottfried, obsequiously taking his patron's hint, bowed and left the
+room.
+
+“You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig,” said the Margrave, with a
+heart-rending look. “You marked Gottfried, who left the room anon?”
+
+“I did.”
+
+“You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee, Ludwig,
+that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend. Why should
+he not be! He is my near relation, heir to my property: should I” (here
+the Margrave's countenance assumed its former expression of excruciating
+agony),--“SHOULD I HAVE NO SON.”
+
+“But I never saw the boy in better health,” replied Sir Ludwig.
+
+“Nevertheless,--ha! ha!--it may chance that I shall soon have no son.”
+
+The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir
+Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather
+deeply. He proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern
+soldier of those days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the
+punch-bowl: and many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria
+with lion-hearted Richard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of Bouillon; nay,
+with the dauntless Saladin himself.
+
+“You knew Gottfried in Palestine?” asked the Margrave.
+
+“I did.”
+
+“Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with the
+warm grasp of friendship? It is not because Sir Gottfried is poor? You
+know well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my early friend!”
+
+“I care not for his race nor for his poverty,” replied the blunt
+crusader. “What says the Minnesinger? 'Marry, that the rank is but the
+stamp of the guinea; the man is the gold.' And I tell thee, Karl of
+Godesberg, that yonder Gottfried is base metal.”
+
+“By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig.”
+
+“By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow was known i' the camp
+of the crusaders--disreputably known. Ere he joined us in Palestine, he
+had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He
+is a cogger of dice, I tell thee--a chanter of horseflesh. He won
+five thousand marks from bluff Richard of England the night before the
+storming of Ascalon, and I caught him with false trumps in his pocket.
+He warranted a bay mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had
+fired her.”
+
+“Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?” cried Sir Karl, knitting his
+brows. “Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other
+but Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to
+chine.”
+
+“By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir
+Gottfried's body--not on thine, old brother-in-arms. And to do the knave
+justice, he is a good lance. Holy Bugo! but he did good service at Acre!
+But his character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was dismissed
+the army; nor even allowed to sell his captain's commission.”
+
+“I have heard of it,” said the Margrave; “Gottfried hath told me of it.
+'Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup--a mere silly jape,
+believe me. Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board.
+Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black bottle at the
+county's head. Hence his dismission and abrupt return. But you know
+not,” continued the Margrave, with a heavy sigh, “of what use that
+worthy Gottfried has been to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me.”
+
+“Not YET,” answered Hombourg, satirically.
+
+“By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable traitor!--a
+nest of traitors. Hildebranndt is a traitor--Otto is a traitor--and
+Theodora (O heaven!) she--she is ANOTHER.” The old Prince burst into
+tears at the word, and was almost choked with emotion.
+
+“What means this passion, dear friend?” cried Sir Ludwig, seriously
+alarmed.
+
+“Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark Hildebrandt
+and OTTO together. Like, like I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints,
+that I should be born to suffer this!--to have all my affections
+wrenched out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age! But, hark!
+the guests are arriving. An ye will not empty another flask of claret,
+let us join the ladyes i' the withdrawing chamber. When there, mark
+HILDEBRANDT AND OTTO!”
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE FESTIVAL.
+
+
+The festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, or in their
+caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in the
+grand saloon of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to receive
+them. Servitors, in rich liveries, (they were attired in doublets of the
+sky-blue broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit--the
+colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore about various refreshments
+on trays of silver--cakes, baked in the oven, and swimming in melted
+butter; manchets of bread, smeared with the same delicious condiment,
+and carved so thin that you might have expected them to take wing and
+fly to the ceiling; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his
+excursion into Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce,
+circulated amidst the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the
+guests. The Margrave's gloom was unheeded by them--how little indeed is
+the smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts
+of those who bid them to the feast! The Margravine was pale; but woman
+knows how to deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous to her
+friends, and laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and talked, though
+the talk was loathsome to her.
+
+“The two are together,” said the Margrave, clutching his friend's
+shoulder. “NOW LOOK!”
+
+Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were Sir
+Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance. Two eggs
+were not more like! The reason of the Margrave's horrid suspicion at
+once flashed across his friend's mind.
+
+“'Tis clear as the staff of a pike,” said the poor Margrave, mournfully.
+“Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a game at cribbage!”
+ and retiring to the Margravine's boudoir, the two warriors sat down to
+the game.
+
+But though 'tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won, yet he
+could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was his mind by
+the dreadful secret which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play,
+the obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his patron's ear,
+which threw the latter into such a fury, that apoplexy was apprehended
+by the two lookers-on. But the Margrave mastered his emotion. “AT WHAT
+TIME, did you say?” said he to Gottfried.
+
+“At daybreak, at the outer gate.”
+
+“I will be there.”
+
+“AND SO WILL I TOO,” thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of Hombourg.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE FLIGHT.
+
+
+How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future, and
+think he can bend stern fate to his will! Alas, we are but creatures in
+its hands! How many a slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup! How
+often, though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon, do we
+find ourselves dashed to earth; and then we are fain to say the grapes
+are sour, because we cannot attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in
+consequence of our own fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE
+OUTER GATE at daybreak.
+
+He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night's potations had been
+heavy, the day's journey had been long and rough. The knight slept as a
+soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity, and who wakes not till
+he hears the blast of the reveille.
+
+He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Margrave. He had been
+there for hours watching his slumbering comrade. Watching?--no, not
+watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably
+bitter--over feelings inexpressibly wretched.
+
+“What's o'clock?” was the first natural exclamation of the Hombourger.
+
+“I believe it is five o'clock,” said his friend. It was ten. It might
+have been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six, the
+Margrave would still have said, “I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK.” The
+wretched take no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions, indeed,
+for THEM.
+
+“Is breakfast over?” inquired the crusader.
+
+“Ask the butler,” said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly, rolling
+his eyes wildly, smiling wildly.
+
+“Gracious Bugo!” said the Knight of Hombourg, “what has ailed thee, my
+friend? It is ten o'clock by my horologe. Your regular hour is nine.
+You are not--no, by heavens! you are not shaved! You wear the tights and
+silken hose of last evening's banquet. Your collar is all rumpled--'tis
+that of yesterday. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED! What has chanced, brother
+of mine: what has chanced?”
+
+“A common chance, Louis of Hombourg,” said the Margrave: “one that
+chances every day. A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart. THIS
+has chanced. I have not been to bed.”
+
+“What mean ye?” cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. “A false friend? I
+am not a false friend. A false woman? Surely the lovely Theodora, your
+wife--”
+
+“I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son.”
+
+*****
+
+In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had occurred.
+Gottfried's information was but too correct. There was a CAUSE for the
+likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt
+and Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen
+them. They walked long together; they embraced. Ah! how the husband's,
+the father's, feelings were harrowed at that embrace! They parted; and
+then the Margrave, coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she
+was to retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should
+be sent too, to take the vows at a monastery.
+
+Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and guarded by a
+company of his father's men-at-arms, was on the river going towards
+Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under
+the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to
+the convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have seen--the
+beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the bright waters of the Rhine!
+
+“What road did Gottfried take?” asked the Knight of Hombourg, grinding
+his teeth.
+
+“You cannot overtake him,” said the Margrave. “My good Gottfried, he is
+my only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir. He will be
+back anon.”
+
+“Will he so?” thought Sir Ludwig. “I will ask him a few questions ere he
+return.” And springing from his couch, he began forthwith to put on
+his usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a hasty ablution,
+donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He rang
+the bell violently.
+
+“A cup of coffee, straight,” said he, to the servitor who answered the
+summons; “bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper, and the
+groom saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride.”
+
+The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought; the refreshments
+disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing steed were heard in
+the court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice of his friend, and sat,
+plunged in silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE TRAITOR'S DOOM.
+
+
+The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts from
+the hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green plain below.
+Who has not seen that lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not
+loved it? A thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around
+in peaceful luxuriance; the mighty Rhine floats by it in silver
+magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise the seven mountains robed in
+majestic purple, the monarchs of the royal scene.
+
+A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has
+mentioned that “peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that offer
+cake and wine,” are perpetually crowding round the traveller in this
+delicious district, and proffering to him their rustic presents. This
+was no doubt the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his
+elegant poems--in the happy ancient days! when maidens were as yet
+generous, and men kindly! Now the degenerate peasantry of the district
+are much more inclined to ask than to give, and their blue eyes seem to
+have disappeared with their generosity.
+
+But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story occurred,
+'tis probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was greeted
+upon his path by this fascinating peasantry; though we know not how
+he accepted their welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green
+country until he came to Rolandseck, whence he could command the Island
+of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine opposite that place), and all who
+went to it or passed from it.
+
+Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging above
+the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous cactuses
+and silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day may perceive a
+rude broken image of a saint: that image represented the venerable Saint
+Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and Sir Ludwig, kneeling on
+the greensward, and reciting a censer, an ave, and a couple of acolytes
+before it, felt encouraged to think that the deed he meditated was about
+to be performed under the very eyes of his friend's sanctified patron.
+His devotion done (and the knight of those days was as pious as he
+was brave), Sir Ludwig, the gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud
+voice:--
+
+“Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?”
+
+“Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?” exclaimed
+a voice from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of
+geranium and magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient, and
+majestic head--'twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo's solitary. A
+silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an appearance of great
+respectability; his body was robed in simple brown serge, and girt with
+a knotted cord: his ancient feet were only defended from the prickles
+and stones by the rudest sandals, and his bald and polished head was
+bare.
+
+“Holy hermit,” said the knight, in a grave voice, “make ready thy
+ministry, for there is some one about to die.”
+
+“Where, son?”
+
+“Here, father.”
+
+“Is he here, now?”
+
+“Perhaps,” said the stout warrior, crossing himself; “but not so if
+right prevail.” At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat putting
+off from Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by
+the sinople reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was
+Sir Gottfried of Godesberg.
+
+“Be ready, father,” said the good knight, pointing towards the advancing
+boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the reverend hermit,
+without a further word, he vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for
+a few score of paces; when he wheeled round, and remained steady. His
+great lance and pennon rose in the air. His armor glistened in the
+sun; the chest and head of his battle-horse were similarly covered with
+steel. As Sir Gottfried, likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had
+been left at the ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started
+at the figure before him--a glistening tower of steel.
+
+“Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?” said Sir Gottfried,
+haughtily, “or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your
+lady-love?”
+
+“I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against all comers. I
+hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a traitor.”
+
+“As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass,” said Gottfried.
+
+“The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. Liar and traitor!
+art thou coward, too?”
+
+“Holy Saint Buffo! 'tis a fight!” exclaimed the old hermit (who, too,
+had been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war-horse that
+hears the trumpet's sound, and spite of his clerical profession, he
+prepared to look on at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and
+sat down on the overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and
+affecting unconcern, but in reality most deeply interested in the event
+which was about to ensue.
+
+As soon as the word “coward” had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his
+opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here, had
+wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the rest.
+
+“Ha! Beauseant!” cried he. “Allah humdillah!” 'Twas the battle-cry in
+Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers. “Look to thyself,
+Sir Knight, and for mercy from heaven! I will give thee none.”
+
+“A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!” exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that, too,
+was the well-known war-cry of his princely race.
+
+“I will give the signal,” said the old hermit, waving his pipe.
+“Knights, are you ready? One, two, three. LOS!” (let go.)
+
+At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds;
+the two knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel, rapidly
+converged; the two lances met upon the two shields of either, and
+shivered, splintered, shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which
+whirled through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the
+trees, or in the river. The two horses fell back trembling on their
+haunches, where they remained for half a minute or so.
+
+“Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!” said the old hermit. “Marry, but a
+splinter wellnigh took off my nose!” The honest hermit waved his pipe
+in delight, not perceiving that one of the splinters had carried off the
+head of it, and rendered his favorite amusement impossible. “Ha! they
+are to it again! O my! how they go to with their great swords! Well
+stricken, gray! Well parried, piebald! Ha, that was a slicer! Go it,
+piebald! go it, gray!--go it, gray! go it, pie--Peccavi! peccavi!” said
+the old man, here suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on his
+knees. “I forgot I was a man of peace.” And the next moment, muttering
+a hasty matin, he sprung down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of
+the combatants.
+
+The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his strength
+and skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the Hombourger, with
+RIGHT on his side. He was bleeding at every point of his armor: he had
+been run through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, delivered
+with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown of his helmet of
+Damascus steel, and passing through the cerebellum and sensorium, had
+split his nose almost in twain.
+
+His mouth foaming--his face almost green--his eyes full of blood--his
+brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth knocked
+out,--the discomfited warrior presented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling
+under the effects of the last tremendous blow which the Knight of
+Hombourg dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his
+piebald charger; the frightened animal whisked his tail wildly with a
+shriek and a snort, plunged out his hind legs, trampling for one moment
+upon the feet of the prostrate Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek
+with agony, and then galloped away riderless.
+
+Away! ay, away!--away amid the green vineyards and golden cornfields;
+away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the eagles in their
+eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the flashing cataracts
+tumble; away through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves are
+howling away over the dreary wolds, where the wild wind walks alone;
+away through the plashing quagmires, where the will-o'-the-wisp slunk
+frightened among the reeds; away through light and darkness, storm
+and sunshine; away by tower and town, high-road and hamlet. Once a
+turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike,
+and cleared it at a bound. Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way:
+he charged the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the
+roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on! Brave
+horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby! On went the horse, over
+mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped until he
+reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to
+put him up.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE CONFESSION.
+
+
+But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual. Having
+examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the old hermit
+(a skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the vanquished one and said,
+“Sir Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are in an
+exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not probably survive.”
+
+“Say you so, Sir Priest? then 'tis time I make my confession. Hearken
+you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be.”
+
+Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his horse up
+to a tree), lifted his visor and said, “Gottfried of Godesberg! I am the
+friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined;
+I am the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou
+hast belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou
+wouldst have appropriated. Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and
+overcame thee, and have wellnigh finished thee. Speak on.”
+
+“I have done all this,” said the dying man, “and here, in my last hour,
+repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the youthful Otto
+the true son of his father--Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his
+UNCLE.”
+
+“Gracious Buffo!” “Celestial Bugo!” here said the hermit and the Knight
+of Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands.
+
+“Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon. Hence
+he could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady
+Theodora's spotless purity (though the young people had been brought up
+together) could never be brought to own the relationship.”
+
+“May I repeat your confession?” asked the hermit.
+
+“With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the
+Margrave, and pray him give me pardon. Were there--a notary-public
+present,” slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing
+over his eyes, “I would ask--you--two--gentlemen to witness it. I would
+gladly--sign the deposition--that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr-ite!” A
+faint shuddering smile--a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle--the blood gushed
+from his mouth in black volumes . . . .
+
+“He will never sin more,” said the hermit, solemnly.
+
+“May heaven assoilzie him!” said Sir Ludwig. “Hermit, he was a gallant
+knight. He died with harness on his back and with truth on his lips:
+Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . .”
+
+An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of Godesberg
+were rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot into the
+court-yard of the castle, with a companion on the crupper of his saddle.
+'Twas the venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater
+celerity, had adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose appearance
+and little dumpy legs might well create hilarity among the “pampered
+menials” who are always found lounging about the houses of the great.
+He skipped off the saddle with considerable lightness however; and Sir
+Ludwig, taking the reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering
+servitors into awe, bade one of them lead him to the presence of his
+Highness the Margrave.
+
+“What has chanced?” said the inquisitive servitor. “The riderless
+horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon. The
+Margrave's Grace has never quitted your lordship's chamber, and sits as
+one distraught.”
+
+“Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!” And so saying, the Knight and
+his Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where, according to
+the servitor's description, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone.
+
+Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man's hands, the hermit
+seized the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with a
+prolixity which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the events
+which we have already described. Let the dear reader fancy, while his
+Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave gradually lighting up
+with attention; the flush of joy which mantles in his countenance--the
+start--the throb--the almost delirious outburst of hysteric exultation
+with which, when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the two
+messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost
+choked the aged recluse! “Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine--say
+I have wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back--that
+I forgive her--that I apologize if you will”--and a secretary forthwith
+despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a fleet
+messenger.
+
+“Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him send
+me back my boy, my darling, my Otto--my Otto of roses!” said the fond
+father, making the first play upon words he had ever attempted in his
+life. But what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling
+at the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messenger was
+despatched on another horse.
+
+“And now,” said Sir Ludwig, playfully, “let us to lunch. Holy hermit,
+are you for a snack?”
+
+The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the three
+gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which the remains
+of the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said, ample means.
+
+“They will be home by dinner-time,” said the exulting father. “Ludwig!
+reverend hermit! we will carry on till then.” And the cup passed gayly
+round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the three happy friends
+sat confidentially awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son.
+
+But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former chapter,
+that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is often many a
+spill? that our hopes are high, and often, too often, vain? About three
+hours after the departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with
+an exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the Margrave a
+billet to the following effect:--
+
+
+“CONVENT OF NONNENWERTH, Friday Afternoon.
+
+“SIR--I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed
+to bear it no more. I will no longer be made the butt of your ribald
+satire, and the object of your coarse abuse. Last week you threatened me
+with your cane! On Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which
+hit the butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This morning,
+in the presence of all the servants, you called me by the most vile,
+abominable name, which heaven forbid I should repeat! You dismissed me
+from your house under a false accusation. You sent me to this odious
+convent to be immured for life. Be it so! I will not come back, because,
+forsooth; you relent. Anything is better than a residence with a wicked,
+coarse, violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself. I remain
+here for ever and blush to be obliged to sign myself
+
+“THEODORA VON GODESBERG.
+
+“P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels, and
+wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your house in
+order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear
+out. T. V. G.”
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE SENTENCE.
+
+
+This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at all
+times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages, struck dismay
+into the heart of the Margrave.
+
+“Are her ladyship's insinuations correct?” asked the hermit, in a
+severe tone. “To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say a
+justifiable practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both to the
+liquor and to her.”
+
+“But she sent a carving-knife at me first,” said the heartbroken
+husband. “O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen to thy
+green and yellow tongue?”
+
+“They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely,” whispered Sir
+Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture upon
+family discord and marital authority, which would have sent his two
+hearers to sleep, but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the
+Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son. This herald wore a still
+longer face than that of his comrade who preceded him.
+
+“Where is my darling?” roared the agonized parent. “Have ye brought him
+with ye?”
+
+“N--no,” said the man, hesitating.
+
+“I will flog the knave soundly when he comes,” cried the father, vainly
+endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his inward
+emotion and tenderness.
+
+“Please, your Highness,” said the messenger, making a desperate effort,
+“Count Otto is not at the convent.”
+
+“Know ye, knave, where he is?”
+
+The swain solemnly said, “I do. He is THERE.” He pointed as he spake
+to the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted up by the
+magnificent hues of sunset.
+
+“THERE! How mean ye THERE?” gasped the Margrave, wrought to a pitch of
+nervous fury.
+
+“Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct him to
+the convent, he--he jumped suddenly from it, and is dr--dr--owned.”
+
+“Carry that knave out and hang him!” said the Margrave, with a calmness
+more dreadful than any outburst of rage. “Let every man of the boat's
+crew be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the tower--except the
+coxswain, and let him be--”
+
+What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that moment,
+and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down lifeless on the
+floor.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG.
+
+
+It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers we
+dare venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found) that the
+cause of the Margrave's fainting-fit, described in the last chapter,
+was a groundless apprehension on the part of that too solicitous and
+credulous nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No, young
+Otto was NOT drowned. Was ever hero of romantic story done to death so
+early in the tale? Young Otto was NOT drowned. Had such been the case,
+the Lord Margrave would infallibly have died at the close of the last
+chapter; and a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted
+how the lovely Lady Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir
+Ludwig determined, upon the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon
+the shock of hearing the news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and
+assume the robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late venerable and
+solitary ecclesiastic. Otto was NOT drowned, and all those personages of
+our history are consequently alive and well.
+
+The boat containing the amazed young Count--for he knew not the cause of
+his father's anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust sentence which
+the Margrave had uttered--had not rowed many miles, when the gallant boy
+rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and determined
+not to be a slave in any convent of any order: determined to make a
+desperate effort for escape. At a moment when the men were pulling hard
+against the tide, and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to
+steer the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands which are
+frequently met with in the majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave
+a sudden spring from the boat, and with one single flounce was in the
+boiling, frothing, swirling eddy of the stream.
+
+Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young lord!
+All loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but as they
+did not know how to swim, of course they declined to make any useless
+plunges in search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder and
+grief. ONCE, his fair head and golden ringlets were seen to arise from
+the water; TWICE, puffing and panting, it appeared for an instant again;
+THRICE, it rose but for one single moment: it was the last chance, and
+it sunk, sunk, sunk. Knowing the reception they would meet with from
+their liege lord, the men naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but
+putting in at the first creek on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke
+of Nassau's territory; where, as they have little to do with our tale,
+we will leave them.
+
+But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto. He had
+disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED. He calculated
+that his conductors would consider him drowned, and the desire
+of liberty lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in this
+instance,) the gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his
+head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne--the distance
+being twenty-five or thirty miles.
+
+Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the river,
+repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he had had
+an accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the moisture of his
+habiliments, and while these were drying before a fire in his chamber,
+went snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the strange
+events of the day. “This morning,” thought he, “a noble, and heir to
+a princely estate--this evening an outcast, with but a few bank-notes
+which my mamma luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry
+into life is this for a young man of my family! Well, I have courage and
+resolution: my first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful
+one; other dangers will be conquered by similar bravery.” And
+recommending himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the
+care of their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy
+fell presently into such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the
+innocent, and the extremely fatigued can enjoy.
+
+The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued after
+swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto to sleep
+so profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday's sunset, as
+a natural consequence, Saturday's Phoebus illumined the world, ay, and
+sunk at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of the hostel, peeping
+in, marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a pretty youth, tripped
+lightly from the chamber; the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call
+him (as boots will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore,
+turned on his side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption. In a
+word, the youth slept for six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the
+Sunday sun was shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne
+were clinking and tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and
+burgheresses of the town were trooping to vespers and morning service
+when Otto awoke.
+
+As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the astonished
+boy could not at first account for his difficulty in putting them on.
+“Marry,” said he, “these breeches that my blessed mother” (tears filled
+his fine eyes as he thought of her)--“that my blessed mother had made
+long on purpose, are now ten inches too short for me. Whir-r-r! my coat
+cracks i' the back, as in vain I try to buckle it round me; and the
+sleeves reach no farther than my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I
+grown fat and tall in a single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it.”
+
+The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily. He bethought him
+of the reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from being
+five-and-twenty miles under water.
+
+But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not
+say was to purchase new ones. Inquiring the way to the most genteel
+ready-made-clothes' establishment in the city of Cologne, and finding
+it was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated
+Moses of London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium; but you
+may be sure did not neglect to perform his religious duties by the way.
+Entering the cathedral, he made straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo,
+and hiding himself behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognized
+by the archbishop, or any of his father's numerous friends in Cologne),
+he proceeded with his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles
+of the age.
+
+But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could not
+refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he remarked
+with surprise that the whole church was filled with archers; and he
+remembered, too, that he had seen in the streets numerous other bands
+of men similarly attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch
+the cause of this assemblage, one of the green ones said (in a jape),
+“Marry, youngster, YOU must be GREEN, not to know that we are all bound
+to the castle of his Grace Duke Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery
+meeting once a year, and prizes for which we toxophilites muster
+strong.”
+
+Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately
+settled what to do. He straightway repaired to the ready-made emporium
+of Herr Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with an archer's
+complete dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock,
+which fitted the youth to a T, and we need not say was sold at an
+exceedingly moderate price. So attired (and bidding Herr Moses a cordial
+farewell), young Otto was a gorgeous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to
+gaze on. A coat and breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented
+with a profusion of brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite
+tightness, showed off a figure unrivalled for slim symmetry. His feet
+were covered with peaked buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his
+slender waist, of the same material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe
+and pouch, and his long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous
+youth had as yet only employed it to fashion wicket-bails, or to cut
+bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready to use against the enemy. His
+personal attractions were enhanced by a neat white hat, flung carelessly
+and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling countenance; and his
+lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets, fell over his
+shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far as the
+waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a lovely Colnerinn looked
+after the handsome Childe with anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid
+under the guise of “a bonny boy in green.”
+
+So accoutred, the youth's next thought was, that he must supply himself
+with a bow. This he speedily purchased at the most fashionable bowyer's,
+and of the best material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink
+ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beautifully painted
+and embroidered, was slung across his back, with a dozen of the finest
+arrows, tipped with steel of Damascus, formed of the branches of the
+famous Upas-tree of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan.
+These purchases being completed (together with that of a knapsack,
+dressing-case, change, &c.), our young adventurer asked where was the
+hostel at which the archers were wont to assemble? and being informed
+that it was at the sign of the “Golden Stag,” hied him to that house of
+entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer, he
+speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a company
+of his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the coffee-room.
+
+After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing them,
+“When go ye forth, gentles? I am a stranger here, bound as you to
+the archery meeting of Duke Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your
+company 'twill gladden me upon my lonely way?”
+
+The archers replied, “You seem so young and jolly, and you spend your
+gold so very like a gentleman, that we'll receive you in our band
+with pleasure. Be ready, for we start at half-past two!” At that hour
+accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a
+little increased his popularity among them by stepping out and having a
+conference with the landlord, which caused the latter to come into the
+room where the archers were assembled previous to departure, and to say,
+“Gentlemen, the bill is settled!”--words never ungrateful to an archer
+yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of.
+
+They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and
+telling of a thousand feats of love and chase and war. While thus
+engaged, some one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the
+regular uniform, having no feathers in his hat.
+
+“I dare say I will find a feather,” said the lad, smiling.
+
+Then another gibed because his bow was new.
+
+“See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang,” said the
+undisturbed youth. His answers, his bearing, his generosity, his beauty,
+and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends with interest
+and curiosity, and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow
+corresponded with their secret sympathies for him.
+
+An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present itself
+soon--as indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as young Otto
+was. Fate seems to watch over such: events occur to them just in the
+nick of time; they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of
+devouring them; they manage to be present at court and interesting
+ceremonies, and to see the most interesting people at the most
+interesting moment; directly an adventure is necessary for them, that
+adventure occurs: and I, for my part, have often wondered with delight
+(and never could penetrate the mystery of the subject) at the way in
+which that humblest of romance heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants
+anything in the Pantomime, straightway finds it to his hand. How is it
+that,--suppose he wishes to dress himself up like a woman for instance,
+that minute a coalheaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a
+bonnet; at the very next instant a butcher's lad passing with a string
+of sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously helps Master Clown
+to a necklace and a tournure, and so on through the whole toilet?
+Depend upon it there is something we do not wot of in that mysterious
+overcoming of circumstances by great individuals: that apt and wondrous
+conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for my part, when I heard
+the above remark of one of the archers, that Otto had never a feather
+in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron would spring up in the next
+sentence to supply him with an aigrette.
+
+And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the
+archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling his
+crest, placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes against
+the wind, rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the world.
+
+“Shoot, Otto,” said one of the archers. “You would not shoot just now at
+a crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it was a noble
+bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly.”
+
+But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the
+third best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it.
+
+“Shoot, Otto,” said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the
+young archer: “the bird is getting further and further.”
+
+But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just cut.
+Max, the second best archer, shot and missed.
+
+“Then,” said Wolfgang, “I must try myself: a plague on you, young
+springald, you have lost a noble chance!”
+
+Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird. “It
+is out of distance,” said he, “and a murrain on the bird!”
+
+Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having
+carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig down
+and said carelessly, “Out of distance! Pshaw! We have two minutes yet,”
+ and fell to asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the which none of the
+archers listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in air, watching
+the retreating bird.
+
+“Where shall I hit him?” said Otto.
+
+“Go to,” said Rudolf, “thou canst see no limb of him: he is no bigger
+than a flea.”
+
+“Here goes for his right eye!” said Otto; and stepping forward in the
+English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine, had
+taught him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good aim,
+allowing for the wind and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whiz!
+his arrow went off.
+
+He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf at
+the other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the while.
+
+The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their
+noses in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular to
+the horizontal position, and said, “Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The
+arrow's lost; let's go!”
+
+“HEADS!” cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen rapidly descending from
+the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a partridge,
+then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent heron to the
+ground, flooring poor Max in its fall.
+
+“Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang,” said Otto, without looking at
+the bird: “wipe it and put it back into my quiver.”
+
+The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the pupil.
+
+“Are you in league with Der Freischutz?” said Rudolf, quite amazed.
+
+Otto laughingly whistled the “Huntsman's Chorus,” and said, “No, my
+friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot. I was taught shooting,
+look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the archers are archers
+indeed.”
+
+And so he cut off the heron's wing for a plume for his hat; and the
+archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, “What a wonderful country
+that merry England must be!”
+
+Far from feeling any envy at their comrade's success, the jolly archers
+recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and Rudolf
+especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought the honor
+of his friendship. They continued their walk all day, and when night
+fell made choice of a good hostel you may be sure, where over beer,
+punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to the health of the
+Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other's healths all round. Next day they
+resumed their march, and continued it without interruption, except to
+take in a supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on these
+occasions that Otto, young as he was, could eat four times as much as
+the oldest archer present, and drink to correspond); and these continued
+refreshments having given them more than ordinary strength, they
+determined on making rather a long march of it, and did not halt till
+after nightfall at the gates of the little town of Windeck.
+
+What was to be done? the town-gates were shut. “Is there no hostel, no
+castle where we can sleep?” asked Otto of the sentinel at the gate.
+“I am so hungry that in lack of better food I think I could eat my
+grandmamma.”
+
+The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and
+said, “You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;” adding
+with a peculiarly knowing look, “Nobody will disturb you there.”
+
+At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a hill
+hard by a castle indeed--but the skeleton of a castle. The roof was
+gone, the windows were dismantled, the towers were tumbling, and the
+cold moonlight pierced it through and through. One end of the building
+was, however, still covered in, and stood looking still more frowning,
+vast, and gloomy, even than the other part of the edifice.
+
+“There is a lodging, certainly,” said Otto to the sentinel, who pointed
+towards the castle with his bartizan; “but tell me, good fellow, what
+are we to do for a supper?”
+
+“Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you,” said the man-at-arms
+with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the archers, taking
+counsel among themselves, debated whether or not they should take up
+their quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice.
+
+“We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there,” said young Otto.
+“Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant fellows, and
+I have heard the garrison is not more than three hundred.” But the rest
+of the party thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap
+one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep ignobly and
+without victuals, than dare the assault with Otto, and die, or conquer
+something comfortable.
+
+One and all then made their way towards the castle. They entered its
+vast and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled before
+them with hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and passing by
+a multiplicity of mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety
+corridors, at last came to an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as
+it was, appeared to be in rather better condition than the neighboring
+chambers, and they therefore selected it as their place of rest for the
+night. They then tossed up which should mount guard. The first two
+hours of watch fell to Otto, who was to be succeeded by his young though
+humble friend Wolfgang; and, accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg,
+drawing his dirk, began to pace upon his weary round; while his
+comrades, by various gradations of snoring, told how profoundly they
+slept, spite of their lack of supper.
+
+'Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as he
+performed his two hours' watch; what gushing memories poured into his
+full soul; what “sweet and bitter” recollections of home inspired his
+throbbing heart; and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him up.
+“Youth is ever confident,” says the bard. Happy, happy season! The
+moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the twinkling stars looked
+friendly down upon him. Confiding in their youthful sentinel, sound
+slept the valorous toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back
+again, marched on the noble Childe. At length his repeater told him,
+much to his satisfaction, that it was half-past eleven, the hour when
+his watch was to cease; and so, giving a playful kick to the slumbering
+Wolfgang, that good-humored fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing
+his sword, proceeded to relieve Otto.
+
+The latter laid him down for warmth's sake on the very spot which his
+comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep. Realities and
+visions then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew which was
+which. He dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start; then he went
+off again; then woke up again. In one of these half-sleeping moments he
+thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in white, gliding into the room,
+and beckoning Wolfgang from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At
+that moment twelve o'clock clanged from the town, and Otto started up.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+THE LADY OF WINDECK.
+
+
+As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer,
+pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure. He did not
+know whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to him. Her
+blue, clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of faultless
+beauty; her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue, ere yet the
+sculptor's love had given it life. A smile played upon her features, but
+it was no warmer than the reflection of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet
+it was wondrous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of
+young Wolfgang. He stared at the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and
+distended jaws. She looked at him with ineffable archness. She lifted
+one beautifully rounded alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon
+him towards her. Did Wolfgang--the young and lusty Wolfgang--follow?
+Ask the iron whether it follows the magnet?--ask the pointer whether it
+pursues the partridge through the stubble?--ask the youth whether the
+lollipop-shop does not attract him? Wolfgang DID follow. An antique
+door opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they saw quite
+plain; they passed through the innumerable ancient chambers, and yet
+they did not wake any of the owls and bats roosting there. We know not
+through how many apartments the young couple passed; but at last they
+came to one where a feast was prepared: and on an antique table, covered
+with massive silver, covers were laid for two. The lady took her place
+at one end of the table, and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to
+the other seat. He took it. The table was small, and their knees met. He
+felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against an ice-well.
+
+“Gallant archer,” said she, “you must be hungry after your day's march.
+What supper will you have? Shall it be a delicate lobster-salad? or
+a dish of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar's-head and
+truffles? or a Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a beefsteak and
+shallot? or a couple of rognons a la brochette? Speak, brave bowyer: you
+have but to order.”
+
+As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish, Wolfgang
+thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of delicacies to
+him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try her with something
+extremely rare.
+
+“Fair princess,” he said, “I should like very much a pork-chop and some
+mashed potatoes.”
+
+She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never
+served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at least
+six portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street.
+
+When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the cover
+on the dish again, and watched him eating with interest. He was for some
+time too much occupied with his own food to remark that his companion
+did not eat a morsel; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone; the
+shining silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with his knife,
+and, heaving a great sigh, he confessed a humble desire for something to
+drink.
+
+“Call for what you like, sweet sir,” said the lady, lifting up a silver
+filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with gold.
+
+“Then,” said Master Wolfgang--for the fellow's tastes were, in sooth,
+very humble--“I call for half-and-half.” According to his wish, a pint
+of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle, foaming, into his
+beaker.
+
+Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his conscience
+it was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young man felt his
+appetite renewed; and it is impossible to say how many different dishes
+he called for. Only enchantment, he was afterwards heard to declare
+(though none of his friends believed him), could have given him the
+appetite he possessed on that extraordinary night. He called for another
+pork-chop and potatoes, then for pickled salmon; then he thought he
+would try a devilled turkey-wing. “I adore the devil,” said he.
+
+“So do I,” said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the dish was
+served straightway. It was succeeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted
+cheese, and--what was most remarkable--every one of the dishes which he
+desired came from under the same silver cover: which circumstance, when
+he had partaken of about fourteen different articles, he began to find
+rather mysterious.
+
+“Oh,” said the pale lady, with a smile, “the mystery is easily accounted
+for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW.” But this did not
+account for the manner in which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch
+(both gin and rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with
+cucumber to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from which the
+lady had first poured out his pint of half-and-half.
+
+“There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio,” said his arch
+entertainer, when he put this question to her, “than are dreamt of in
+your philosophy:” and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time in such
+a state, that he did not find anything wonderful more.
+
+“Are you happy, dear youth?” said the lady, as, after his collation, he
+sank back in his chair.
+
+“Oh, miss, ain't I?” was his interrogative and yet affirmative reply.
+
+“Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?” continued the
+pale one.
+
+“Why, no,” said he; “no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights I
+should like oysters.”
+
+“Dear youth,” said she, “be but mine, and you may have them all the year
+round!” The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise
+this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious
+company. A person who can offer oysters all the year round can live to
+no good purpose.
+
+“Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?” said the lady.
+
+“Sweet love!” said he, now much excited, “strike up, and I will join the
+chorus.”
+
+She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. 'Twas a sweet and
+wild one. It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on a peasant
+page; it told how nought could her love assuage, her suitor's wealth
+and her father's rage: it told how the youth did his foes engage; and
+at length they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born dame and the
+peasant page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled his head, sung wofully out of
+tune as the song proceeded; and if he had not been too intoxicated with
+love and other excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on
+the wall, as the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod
+and grin to the music. The song ended. “I am the lady of high lineage:
+Archer, will you be the peasant page?”
+
+“I'll follow you to the devil!” said Wolfgang.
+
+“Come,” replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, “come to the chapel;
+we'll be married this minute!”
+
+She held out her hand--Wolfgang took it. It was cold, damp,--deadly
+cold; and on they went to the chapel.
+
+As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman and
+lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly down to
+the ground, and making the retreating couple a profound curtsy and bow,
+took the places which they had left at the table.
+
+Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading
+innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent.
+As they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their
+frames to follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a bust,
+frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his pedestal
+would not move; and several sticking-plaster profiles of the former
+Lords of Windeck looked quite black at being, for similar reasons,
+compelled to keep their places. However, there was a goodly procession
+formed behind Wolfgang and his bride; and by the time they reached the
+church, they had near a hundred followers.
+
+The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old
+knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane. The organ set up of itself
+to play the “Bridesmaid's Chorus.” The choir-chairs were filled with
+people in black.
+
+“Come, love,” said the pale lady.
+
+“I don't see the parson,” exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself rather
+alarmed.
+
+“Oh, the parson! that's the easiest thing in the world! I say, bishop!”
+ said the lady, stooping down.
+
+Stooping down--and to what? Why, upon my word and honor, to a great
+brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and on which
+was engraven the figure of a bishop--and a very ugly bishop, too--with
+crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal
+ring. “Do, my dear lord, come and marry us,” said the lady, with a
+levity which shocked the feelings of her bridegroom.
+
+The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping under
+a large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him; while a
+canon of the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning
+and making fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and . . . .
+
+
+As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the
+absence of his companion Wolfgang. The idea he had had, that his friend
+disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him more and
+more. “I will follow them,” said he; and, calling to the next on the
+watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his sleep), he
+rushed away by the door through which he had seen Wolfgang and his
+temptress take their way.
+
+That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle was vast, the
+chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, and what wonder that, after
+he had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe should not be able
+to follow in their steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door,
+and wandered for at least three hours about the dark enormous solitary
+castle, calling out Wolfgang's name to the careless and indifferent
+echoes, knocking his young shins against the ruins scattered in the
+darkness, but still with a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm
+resolution to aid his absent comrade. Brave Otto! thy exertions were
+rewarded at last!
+
+For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had
+partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the
+picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady's father and mother, were
+now sitting at the table.
+
+“Well, Bertha has got a husband at last,” said the lady.
+
+“After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was quite
+time,” said the gentleman. (He was dressed in powder and a pigtail,
+quite in the old fashion.)
+
+“The husband is no great things,” continued the lady, taking snuff. “A
+low fellow, my dear; a butcher's son, I believe. Did you see how the
+wretch ate at supper? To think my daughter should have to marry an
+archer!”
+
+“There are archers and archers,” said the old man. “Some archers are
+snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are gentlemen
+by birth, at least, though not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the
+Landgrave of Godesberg's son, who is listening at the door like a
+lackey, and whom I intend to run through the--”
+
+“Law, Baron!” said the lady.
+
+“I will, though,” replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and
+glaring round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and that
+scowl a less valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the undaunted
+Childe advanced at once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a
+relic of St. Buffo (the tip of the saint's ear, which had been cut off
+at Constantinople). “Fiends! I command you to retreat!” said he, holding
+up this sacred charm, which his mamma had fastened on him; and at the
+sight of it, with an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the
+Baroness sprung back into their picture-frames, as clowns go through a
+clock in a pantomime.
+
+He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had passed
+with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the vast gloomy
+chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of the organ in the
+chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him towards
+that edifice. He rushed to the door: 'twas barred! He knocked: the
+beadles were deaf. He applied his inestimable relic to the lock,
+and--whiz! crash! clang! bang! whang!--the gate flew open! the organ
+went off in a fugue--the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went
+off towards the ceiling--the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry
+and a scream--the bride howled, and vanished--the fat bishop waddled
+back under his brass plate--the dean flounced down into his family
+vault--and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual, on
+the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his epigram, and to
+disappear into the void whence he came.
+
+Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless down at
+the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when they arrived,
+found the two youths. They were resuscitated, as we scarce need say; but
+when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale, some
+sceptics among the archers said--“Pooh! they were intoxicated!” while
+others, nodding their older heads, exclaimed--“THEY HAVE SEEN THE LADY
+OF WINDECK!” and recalled the stories of many other young men, who,
+inveigled by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and
+had disappeared--for ever!
+
+This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant preserver;
+and the archers--it being now morning, and the cocks crowing lustily
+round about--pursued their way without further delay to the castle of
+the noble patron of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves.
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN.
+
+
+Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between
+Windeck and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a legend
+and a ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made
+to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey would be thus
+almost interminable, let us cut it short by saying that the travellers
+reached Cleves without any further accident, and found the place
+thronged with visitors for the meeting next day.
+
+And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived, and
+make display of antiquarian lore. Now we would represent a cavalcade of
+knights arriving, with their pages carrying their shining helms of gold,
+and the stout esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive
+a fat abbot on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white-robed companions
+of his convent. Here should come the gleemen and jonglers, the
+minstrels, the mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed,
+nut-brown Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs,
+and leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the
+vine-lands. Next we would depict the litters blazoned with armorial
+bearings, from between the broidered curtains of which peeped out
+the swan-like necks and the haughty faces of the blond ladies of the
+castles. But for these descriptions we have not space; and the reader
+is referred to the account of the tournament in the ingenious novel of
+“Ivanhoe,” where the above phenomena are described at length. Suffice it
+to say, that Otto and his companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and,
+hastening to a hostel, reposed themselves after the day's march, and
+prepared them for the encounter of the morrow.
+
+That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and his
+comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and arrows,
+you may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as were the
+multitude of other archers assembled. They were from all neighboring
+countries--crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed with Murray's
+guide-books, troops of chattering Frenchmen, Frankfort Jews with
+roulette-tables, and Tyrolese, with gloves and trinkets--all hied
+towards the field where the butts were set up, and the archery practice
+was to be held. The Childe and his brother archers were, it need not be
+said, early on the ground.
+
+But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman's emotion when,
+preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and other wind
+instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his
+daughter? And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do justice to
+the beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm which decorates the
+person, every virtue which ornaments the mind, every accomplishment
+which renders charming mind and charming person doubly charming, and
+then you will have but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her
+Highness the Princess Helen. Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know
+not with what justice) Rowland's Kalydor imparts to the users of that
+cosmetic; fancy teeth to which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals;
+eyes, which were so blue, tender, and bright, that while they run you
+through with their lustre, they healed you with their kindness; a neck
+and waist, so ravishingly slender and graceful, that the least that
+is said about them the better; a foot which fell upon the flowers no
+heavier than a dew-drop--and this charming person set off by the most
+elegant toilet that ever milliner devised! The lovely Helen's hair
+(which was as black as the finest varnish for boots) was so long, that
+it was borne on a cushion several yards behind her by the maidens of
+her train; and a hat, set off with moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles,
+birds-of-paradise, gold lace, and pink ribbon, gave her a distingue air,
+which would have set the editor of the Morning Post mad with love.
+
+It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg, as
+leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and gazed on
+her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both
+of them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding to the cheek of
+either. A simultaneous throb beat in those young hearts! They loved
+each other for ever from that instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged,
+enraptured, leaning on his ivory bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden
+for her pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to
+hide her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones! I am old now; but
+not so old but that I kindle at the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too
+has lived and loved. Heigho!
+
+Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated the
+Princess and the stout old lord, her father? Who is he whose hair is
+of the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a nose, are
+perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back and a hideous
+mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yellow
+odious teeth. Although he wears a sky-blue doublet laced with silver,
+it only serves to render his vulgar punchy figure doubly ridiculous;
+although his nether garment is of salmon-colored velvet, it only draws
+the more attention to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and
+bandy. A rose-colored hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks
+absurd on his bull-head; and though it is time of peace, the wretch is
+armed with a multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres,
+and scimitars, which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. 'Tis
+the terrible Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein.
+Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen. He
+addresses various speeches of gallantry to her, and grins hideously as
+he thrusts his disgusting head over her lily shoulder. But she turns
+away from him! turns and shudders--ay, as she would at a black dose!
+
+Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. “What is the prize?”
+ asks one archer of another. There are two prizes--a velvet cap,
+embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of
+enormous value. Both lie on cushions before her.
+
+“I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize,” says a
+swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules on a
+black shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz.
+
+“Which, fellow?” says Otto, turning fiercely upon him.
+
+“The chain, to be sure!” says the leering archer. “You do not suppose I
+am such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?” Otto laughed
+in scorn, and began to prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed
+that the sports were about to commence.
+
+Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already been done in the
+novel of “Ivanhoe” before mentioned. Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln
+green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit,
+some missed; those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of
+the multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new trials of skill;
+but it was easy to see, from the first, that the battle lay between
+Squintoff (the Rowski archer) and the young hero with the golden hair
+and the ivory bow. Squintoff's fame as a marksman was known throughout
+Europe; but who was his young competitor? Ah? there was ONE heart in the
+assembly that beat most anxiously to know. 'Twas Helen's.
+
+The crowning trial arrived. The bull's eye of the target, set up at
+three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so small, that
+it required a very clever man indeed to see, much more to hit it; and as
+Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Rowski flung
+a purse of gold towards his archer, saying--“Squintoff, an ye win the
+prize, the purse is thine.” “I may as well pocket it at once, your
+honor,” said the bowman with a sneer at Otto. “This young chick, who has
+been lucky as yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that.” And, taking his
+aim, Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the
+bull's-eye.
+
+“Can you mend that, young springald?” said he, as a shout rent the air
+at his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion of her
+secret heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the
+Rowski's money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg.
+
+“Has anybody got a pea?” asked the lad. Everybody laughed at his droll
+request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the crowd, handed
+him the vegetable which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto,
+stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his arrow from
+the bull's-eye, and placed in the orifice made by the steel point of the
+shaft, the pea which he had received from the old woman. He then came
+back to his place. As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by
+emotion, that 'twas thought she would have fainted. Never, never had she
+seen a being so beautiful as the young hero now before her.
+
+He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clusters of hair from
+his bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled on his
+cheek, from which the barber's weapon had never shorn the down. He took
+his bow, and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself lightly
+on his right leg, he flung himself forward, raising his left leg on a
+level with his ear. He looked like Apollo, as he stood balancing himself
+there. He discharged his dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the
+blue air--whiz!
+
+“HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!” said the Princess, and fainted. The Rowski, with
+one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while with the other he
+levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to level anything) a furious
+glance at his archer.
+
+The archer swore a sulky oath. “He is the better man!” said he. “I
+suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?”
+
+“The gold chain?” said Otto. “Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked
+by that august hand? Never!” And advancing to the balcony where the
+Princess, who now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before
+her, and received the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet as the
+cap itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden ringlets. Once more
+their eyes met--their hearts thrilled. They had never spoken, but they
+knew they loved each other for ever.
+
+“Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?” said that
+individual to the youth. “Thou shalt be captain of my archers in place
+of yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome.”
+
+“Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer,” replied
+Otto, haughtily; “and I will NOT take service with the Rowski of
+Donnerblitz.”
+
+“Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?” said the father
+of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the haughtiness of the
+humble archer.
+
+“I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY,” said Otto, bowing
+low. He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word family.
+Helen knew what he meant. SHE was the family. In fact her mother was no
+more, and her papa had no other offspring.
+
+“What is thy name, good fellow,” said the Prince, “that my steward may
+enroll thee?”
+
+“Sir,” said Otto, again blushing, “I am OTTO THE ARCHER.”
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+THE MARTYR OF LOVE.
+
+
+The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a handsome
+dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which his friend
+distinguished himself as usual in the eating and drinking department.
+Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to attend; so great was the envy
+of the brute at the youthful hero's superiority. As for Otto himself, he
+sat on the right hand of the chairman; but it was remarked that he could
+not eat. Gentle reader of my page! thou knowest why full well. He was
+too much in love to have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring
+under that passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet
+remember our Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry when
+they're in love.
+
+The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in the
+corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his attached
+squire, who vowed he never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own
+elegant dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves, the noble
+Childe sighed not a little. 'Twas a splendid uniform 'tis true, but
+still it WAS a livery, and one of his proud spirit ill bears another's
+cognizances. “They are the colors of the Princess, however,” said he,
+consoling himself; “and what suffering would I not undergo for HER?” As
+for Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured,
+low-born fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to
+exchange for the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and
+orange-tawny hat, with which the Duke's steward supplied him, the homely
+patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past.
+
+“Look at you two archers,” said the Prince of Cleves to his guest, the
+Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the battlements after
+dinner, smoking their cigars as usual. His Highness pointed to our two
+young friends, who were mounting guard for the first time. “See yon two
+bowmen--mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat thy Squintoff, and
+t'other, an I mistake not, won the third prize at the butts. Both wear
+the same uniform--the colors of my house--yet wouldst not swear that the
+one was but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman?”
+
+“Which looks like the nobleman?” said the Rowski, as black as thunder.
+
+“WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure,” said the Princess Helen, eagerly.
+The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence of disliking
+the odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski's proffered arm, and
+was loitering behind with her parasol.
+
+Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black and
+jealous Rowski more ill-humored. “How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves,”
+ said he, “that the churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear
+the ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear ringlets such
+as yon springald's? Ho, archer!” roared he, “come, hither, fellow.”
+ And Otto stood before him. As he came, and presenting arms stood
+respectfully before the Prince and his savage guest, he looked for
+one moment at the lovely Helen--their eyes met, their hearts beat
+simultaneously: and, quick, two little blushes appeared in the cheek of
+either. I have seen one ship at sea answering another's signal so.
+
+While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our readers
+of the great estimation in which the hair was held in the North. Only
+nobles were permitted to wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a
+shaving was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains or
+vassals who sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus
+de Nobilitate Capillari; Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart;
+Fresirische Alterthumskunde, &c.
+
+“We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow,” said the Duke
+of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of his
+gallant recruit. “'Tis against the regulation cut of my archer guard.”
+
+“Cut off my hair!” cried Otto, agonized.
+
+“Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel,” roared Donnerblitz.
+
+“Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein,” said the Duke with dignity: “let the
+Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms. And you, young
+sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger.”
+
+Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent
+to plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings
+overcame him. “The count need not fear, my lord,” said he: “a lady is
+present.” And he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah! what
+a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought that those lovely
+ringlets must be shorn from that beautiful head!
+
+Otto's mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a gentleman--let
+us add, his pride as a man--for who is not, let us ask, proud of a
+good head of hair?--waged war within his soul. He expostulated with the
+Prince. “It was never in my contemplation,” he said, “on taking service,
+to undergo the operation of hair-cutting.”
+
+“Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer,” said the Prince pettishly.
+“I will have no churls imitating noblemen in my service: I will bandy no
+conditions with archers of my guard.”
+
+“My resolve is taken,” said Otto, irritated too in his turn.
+“I will . . . . ”
+
+“What?” cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation.
+
+“I will STAY,” answered Otto. The poor girl almost fainted with joy. The
+Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in
+the horrible German jargon, stalked away. “So be it,” said the Prince of
+Cleves, taking his daughter's arm--“and here comes Snipwitz, my barber,
+who shall do the business for you.” With this the Prince too moved on,
+feeling in his heart not a little compassion for the lad; for Adolf
+of Cleves had been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the
+ornament of which he was now depriving his archer.
+
+Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there--in a
+word--operated upon him. The golden curls--fair curls that his mother
+had so often played with!--fell under the shears and round the lad's
+knees, until he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams.
+
+When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the little
+chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it as cropped as
+a charity-boy.
+
+See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!--And no
+wonder. He was thinking what would be Helen's opinion of him, now
+that one of his chief personal ornaments was gone. “Will she know me?”
+ thought he; “will she love me after this hideous mutilation?”
+
+Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to be
+seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young gentleman
+had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to
+natural despondency; when he saw something which instantly restored
+him to good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming towards the chamber
+where the odious barber had performed upon him,--coming forward timidly,
+looking round her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation,--and
+presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she entered the
+apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what was Otto's joy when he saw her
+pick up a beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and
+then hide it in her bosom! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen
+did when she came out after performing this feat. Then she hurried
+straightway to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose first
+impulse was to come out from his hiding-place, and, falling at her
+feet, call heaven and earth to witness to his passion, with difficulty
+restrained his feelings and let her pass: but the love-stricken
+young hero was so delighted with this evident proof of reciprocated
+attachment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at once left him,
+and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair, but his head, if need
+were, to do her service.
+
+That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in
+the castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of
+Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage. He went away in
+the greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud conversation with
+the Prince. As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking
+rather demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gathered his
+attendants in the court, and there mounted his charger, the Rowski
+ordered his trumpets to sound, and scornfully flung a largesse of gold
+among the servitors and men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were
+marshalled in the court. “Farewell, Sir Prince,” said he to his host:
+“I quit you now suddenly; but remember, it is not my last visit to the
+Castle of Cleves.” And ordering his band to play “See the Conquering
+Hero comes,” he clattered away through the drawbridge. The Princess
+Helen was not present at his departure; and the venerable Prince of
+Cleves looked rather moody and chap-fallen when his guest left him.
+He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately that night, and
+inquired of his officers the state of the ammunition, provisions, &c. He
+said nothing; but the Princess Helen's maid did: and everybody knew that
+the Rowski had made his proposals, had been rejected, and, getting up in
+a violent fury, had called for his people, and sworn by his great gods
+that he would not enter the castle again until he rode over the breach,
+lance in hand, the conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it.
+
+No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the news: for
+everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid and powerful
+soldiers in all Germany,--one of the most skilful generals. Generous
+to extravagance to his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy: a
+hundred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised by him
+in several towns and castles which he had captured and sacked. And poor
+Helen had the pain of thinking, that in consequence of her refusal she
+was dooming all the men, women, and children of the principality to
+indiscriminate and horrible slaughter.
+
+The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days dreadful
+confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy Prince of Cleves was taking
+his dinner (though the honest warrior had had little appetite for that
+meal for some time past), when trumpets were heard at the gate; and
+presently the herald of the Rowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on
+which the arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the dining-hall. A
+page bore a steel gauntlet on a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on
+his head. The Prince of Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to
+the chair of state where the sovereign sat.
+
+“Silence for Bleu Sanglier,” cried the Prince, gravely. “Say your say,
+Sir Herald.”
+
+“In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz,
+Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt,
+and Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman Empire--to
+you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier, bring
+war and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or twenty to twenty in
+field or in fort, on plain or on mountain, the noble Rowski defies
+you. Here, or wherever he shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death
+between you and him. In token whereof, here is his glove.” And taking
+the steel glove from the page, Bleu Boar flung it clanging on the marble
+floor.
+
+The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good
+assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise the
+Rowski's; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him, on his
+knee.
+
+“Boteler, fill my goblet,” said the Prince to that functionary, who,
+clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a napkin on his
+dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master's chair. The goblet was
+filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a precious golden
+hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Florentine.
+
+“Drink, Bleu Sanglier,” said the Prince, “and put the goblet in thy
+bosom. Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake.” And so saying, Prince
+Adolf flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald's neck. “An
+invitation to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves.”
+ So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu Sanglier's
+retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daughter. All were marvelling
+at his dignity, courage, and generosity.
+
+But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far from
+tranquil. He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the reign of
+Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death
+in three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two
+hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were assailing it.
+Those deeds which had made the heir of Cleves famous were done thirty
+years syne. A free liver since he had come into his principality, and of
+a lazy turn, he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made him
+in youth so famous a champion, and indolence had borne its usual
+fruits. He tried his old battle-sword--that famous blade with which,
+in Palestine, he had cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split
+asunder the skull of the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could
+scarcely now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armor. It was
+too tight for him. And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found
+he could not buckle it. Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible
+Rowski in single combat.
+
+Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the field.
+The Prince's territories were small; his vassals proverbially lazy and
+peaceable; his treasury empty. The dismallest prospects were before him:
+and he passed a sleepless night writing to his friends for succor, and
+calculating with his secretary the small amount of the resources which
+he could bring to aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy.
+
+Helen's pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber. She lay awake
+thinking of Otto,--thinking of the danger and the ruin her refusal to
+marry had brought upon her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but HIS
+waking thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble Childe thought
+how he should defend the Princess, and win LOS and honor in the ensuing
+combat.
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+THE CHAMPION.
+
+
+And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his castle for
+the threatened siege. He gathered in all the available cattle round the
+property, and the pigs round many miles; and a dreadful slaughter of
+horned and snouted animals took place,--the whole castle resounding with
+the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the gruntlings, destined to
+provide food for the garrison. These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of
+course, would not allow of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,)
+the lovely Helen, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted
+and pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying
+for the same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit,
+or occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage,
+who brought in wheat without money or credit either. The charming
+Princess, amidst the intervals of her labors, went about encouraging the
+garrison, who vowed to a man they would die for a single sweet smile
+of hers; and in order to make their inevitable sufferings as easy as
+possible to the gallant fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a
+plenty of efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint
+to bind their warriors' wounds withal. All the fortifications were
+strengthened; the fosses carefully filled with spikes and water; large
+stones placed over the gates, convenient to tumble on the heads of the
+assaulting parties; and caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up
+pitch, brimstone, boiling oil, &c., wherewith hospitably to receive
+them. Having the keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto was
+placed on the topmost tower, to watch for the expected coming of the
+beleaguering host.
+
+They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining spears were seen
+glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon made its
+appearance in battle's magnificently stern array. The tents of the
+renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot
+of the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when his army had taken
+up its position, an officer with a flag of truce and a trumpet was seen
+advancing to the castle gate. It was the same herald who had previously
+borne his master's defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once
+more to the castle gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count of
+Eulenschreckenstein was in arms without, ready to do battle with the
+Prince of Cleves, or his champion; that he would remain in arms for
+three days, ready for combat. If no man met him at the end of that
+period, he would deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single
+soul in the garrison. So saying, the herald nailed his lord's gauntlet
+on the castle gate. As before, the Prince flung him over another glove
+from the wall; though how he was to defend himself from such a warrior,
+or get a champion, or resist the pitiless assault that must follow, the
+troubled old nobleman knew not in the least.
+
+The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of
+wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if they
+would raise her up a defender.
+
+But how did the noble girl's heart sink--how were her notions of the
+purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread intelligence
+which reached her the next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski! At
+roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she principally relied--he
+whom her fond heart had singled out as her champion, had proved
+faithless! Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolfgang,
+had gone with him. A rope was found dangling from the casement of their
+chamber, and they must have swum the moat and passed over to the
+enemy in the darkness of the previous night. “A pretty lad was this
+fair-spoken archer of thine!” said the Prince her father to her; “and a
+pretty kettle of fish hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers.” She
+retired weeping to her apartment. Never before had that young heart felt
+so wretched.
+
+That morning, at nine o'clock, as they were going to breakfast, the
+Rowski's trumpets sounded. Clad in complete armor, and mounted on his
+enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly
+up and down in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a
+champion.
+
+Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of
+defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth challenging
+the combat. The first day passed, and there was no answer to his
+summons. The second day came and went, but no champion had risen to
+defend. The taunt of his shrill clarion remained without answer; and the
+sun went down upon the wretchedest father and daughter in all the land
+of Christendom.
+
+The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and an
+hour before sunset. The third day came, but with it brought no hope. The
+first and second summons met no response. At five o'clock the old Prince
+called his daughter and blessed her. “I go to meet this Rowski,” said
+he. “It may be we shall meet no more, my Helen--my child--the innocent
+cause of all this grief. If I shall fall to-night the Rowski's victim,
+'twill be that life is nothing without honor.” And so saying, he put
+into her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so
+soon as the terrible champion had carried the castle by storm.
+
+This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father retired
+to his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet. It had borne
+the shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was now so tight as
+almost to choke the knightly wearer.
+
+The last trumpet sounded--tantara! tantara!--its shrill call rang over
+the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer. Again!--but
+when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an awful silence.
+“Farewell, my child,” said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his
+battle-saddle. “Remember the dagger. Hark! the trumpet sounds for the
+third time. Open, warders! Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard
+the right.”
+
+But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet to
+his lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of another
+clarion!--a distant note at first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in
+brilliant variations, the full rich notes of the “Huntsman's Chorus”
+ came clearly over the breeze; and a thousand voices of the crowd gazing
+over the gate exclaimed, “A champion! a champion!”
+
+And, indeed, a champion HAD come. Issuing from the forest came a knight
+and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant cream-colored
+Arabian of prodigious power--the squire mounted on an unpretending gray
+cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength and
+sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet, through the bars of his
+helmet; the knight's visor was completely down. A small prince's
+coronet of gold, from which rose three pink ostrich-feathers, marked
+the warrior's rank: his blank shield bore no cognizance. As gracefully
+poising his lance he rode into the green space where the Rowski's tents
+were pitched, the hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor
+Prince of Cleves, especially, had considerable doubts about his new
+champion. “So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz,”
+ said he, moodily, to his daughter; “but whoever he be, the fellow puts a
+good face on it, and rides like a man. See, he has touched the Rowski's
+shield with the point of his lance! By St. Bendigo, a perilous venture!”
+
+The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as the
+Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his daughter
+stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the
+Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to the
+lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and waited for the foe.
+His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat there, motionless, on his
+cream-colored steed. He looked like one of those fairy knights one has
+read of--one of those celestial champions who decided so many victories
+before the invention of gun powder.
+
+The Rowski's horse was speedily brought to the door of his pavilion; and
+that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of magnificent brass armor,
+clattered into his saddle. Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled
+over his helmet, which was farther ornamented by two huge horns of
+the aurochs. His lance was painted white and red, and he whirled the
+prodigious beam in the air and caught it with savage glee. He laughed
+when he saw the slim form of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to
+meet the coming battle. He dug his spurs into the enormous horse
+he rode: the enormous horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce
+pleasure. He jerked and curveted him with a brutal playfulness, and
+after a few minutes' turning and wheeling, during which everybody had
+leisure to admire the perfection of his equitation, he cantered round to
+a point exactly opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient charger.
+
+The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that he
+seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should his slim
+champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. “Go
+it!” said he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch; and at the word,
+the two warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each other.
+
+And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like that
+of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do justice to
+the terrific theme. You have seen two engines on the Great Western
+line rush past each other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two
+warriors gallop towards one another; the feathers of either streamed
+yards behind their backs as they converged. Their shock as they met was
+as that of two cannon-balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with
+the concussion; the lance aimed at the Rowski's helmet bore off the
+coronet, the horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible
+distance: a piece of the Rowski's left ear was carried off on the point
+of the nameless warrior's weapon. How had he fared? His adversary's
+weapon had glanced harmless along the blank surface of his polished
+buckler; and the victory so far was with him.
+
+The expression of the Rowski's face, as, bareheaded, he glared on his
+enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a demon. The
+imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never be copied by a
+feminine pen.
+
+His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the opportunity
+thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting his opponent's
+skull with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his starting-place, bent
+his lance's point to the ground, in token that he would wait until the
+Count of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted afresh.
+
+“Blessed Bendigo!” cried the Prince, “thou art a gallant lance: but why
+didst not rap the Schelm's brain out?”
+
+“Bring me a fresh helmet!” yelled the Rowski. Another casque was brought
+to him by his trembling squire.
+
+As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from his
+side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of battle. The
+unknown knight's sword was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the
+two blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the combat!
+
+The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity.
+It whirled round his adversary's head with frightful rapidity. Now it
+carried away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of his
+coronet. The flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly upon the
+corn. For many minutes it was the Unknown's only task to defend himself
+from the tremendous activity of the enemy.
+
+But even the Rowski's strength would slacken after exertion. The blows
+began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown knight
+began to make dreadful play. It found and penetrated every joint of
+the Donnerblitz's armor. Now it nicked him in the shoulder where the
+vambrace was buckled to the corselet; now it bored a shrewd hole under
+the light brissart, and blood followed; now, with fatal dexterity, it
+darted through the visor, and came back to the recover deeply
+tinged with blood. A scream of rage followed the last thrust; and no
+wonder:--it had penetrated the Rowski's left eye.
+
+His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost choking
+in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and rage.
+Gasping with fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great sword at his
+opponent's head, and once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe.
+
+Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same dreadful
+weapon! Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began the attack;
+and the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like
+a thunderbolt! “Yield! yield! Sir Rowski,” shouted he, in a calm, clear
+voice.
+
+A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. 'Twas the last blow that
+the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle! The curse was on
+his lips as the crushing steel descended into his brain, and split it
+in two. He rolled like a log from his horse: his enemy's knee was in
+a moment on his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat, as the
+knight once more called upon him to yield.
+
+But there was no answer from within the helmet. When it was withdrawn,
+the teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should have spoken,
+grinned a ghastly silence: one eye still glared with hate and fury, but
+it was glazed with the film of death!
+
+The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine. The unknown
+knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful obeisance to
+the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back
+into the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset.
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+THE MARRIAGE.
+
+
+The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily sent
+all his camp-followers, army, &c. to the right-about. They struck their
+tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each man laying hold
+of what he could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched under
+his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the sun rose.
+
+On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of Cleves
+were not shut. Everybody was free to come in. Wine-butts were broached
+in all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege
+was distributed among the people, who crowded to congratulate their
+beloved sovereign on his victory; and the Prince, as was customary with
+that good man, who never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party,
+had a splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes, the whole
+concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks.
+
+In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of
+Hombourg arrived at the castle. The stalwart old warrior swore by Saint
+Bugo that he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been taken out
+of his hand. The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Hombourg could
+never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the unknown
+knight had just done.
+
+But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of these
+two old nobles. How to find him--how to reward the champion and restorer
+of the honor and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that he
+should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent round the principal
+cities within fifty miles, and the description of the knight advertised,
+in the Journal de Francfort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the
+Princess Helen was solemnly offered to him in these advertisements,
+with the reversion of the Prince of Cleves's splendid though somewhat
+dilapidated property.
+
+“But we don't know him, my dear papa,” faintly ejaculated that young
+lady. “Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and pretend that
+he was the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults
+certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget); and how
+are you to say whether he is the real knight or not? There are so many
+deceivers in this world,” added the Princess, in tears, “that one
+can't be too cautious now.” The fact is, that she was thinking of the
+desertion of Otto in the morning; by which instance of faithlessness her
+heart was wellnigh broken.
+
+As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of
+everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers' mess that night,
+as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both of meat
+and drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades began to
+describe the events of the day, and the admirable achievements of the
+unknown warrior; and turning into their hammocks, did not appear on
+parade in the morning until twenty minutes after the names were called.
+
+When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he was
+in a towering passion. “Where were you, fellows,” shouted he, “during
+the time my castle was at its utmost need?”
+
+Otto replied, “We were out on particular business.”
+
+“Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?” exclaimed the
+Prince. “You know the reward of such--Death! and death you merit. But
+you are a soldier only of yesterday, and yesterday's victory has made me
+merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit--only flogged, both
+of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give
+these scoundrels five hundred apiece.”
+
+You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information was
+thus abruptly conveyed to him. “Flog ME!” cried he. “Flog Otto of--”
+
+“Not so, my father,” said the Princess Helen, who had been standing by
+during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the while with
+the most ineffable scorn. “Not so: although these PERSONS have forgotten
+their duty” (she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word
+persons), “we have had no need of their services, and have luckily found
+OTHERS more faithful. You promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the
+pardon of these two PERSONS. Let them go, and quit a service they have
+disgraced; a mistress--that is, a master--they have deceived.”
+
+“Drum 'em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from
+their backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again.” So saying,
+the old Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two
+young men to the fun and derision of their surrounding comrades.
+
+The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the
+ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what was
+the row? Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly; but the
+Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclamations of
+joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to his manly breast,
+kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst into tears as he
+embraced him. For, in sooth, the good Count had thought his godson long
+ere this at the bottom of the silver Rhine.
+
+The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window, (to
+invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this strange
+scene from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker likewise, with
+breathless and beautiful agitation. The old Count and the archer
+strolled up and down the battlements in deep conversation. By the
+gestures of surprise and delight exhibited by the former, 'twas easy to
+see the young archer was conveying some very strange and pleasing
+news to him; though the nature of the conversation was not allowed to
+transpire.
+
+“A godson of mine,” said the noble Count, when interrogated over his
+muffins. “I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace; ran away;
+parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay,” and
+so forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his tale in this
+brief, artless manner. But why, at its conclusion, did the gentle Helen
+leave the room, her eyes filled with tears? She left the room once more
+to kiss a certain lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling,
+delicious thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul!
+
+When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries regarding
+Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women); but he was gone.
+He and his companion were gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken
+his departure, under pretext of particular business. How lonely the
+vast castle seemed to Helen, now that HE was no longer there. The
+transactions of the last few days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer
+from the Rowski (always an event in a young lady's life); the siege
+of the castle; the death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a
+fevered dream to her: all was passed away, and had left no trace behind.
+No trace?--yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over
+which the young creature wept so much that she put it out of curl;
+passing hours and hours in the summer-house, where the operation had
+been performed.
+
+On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a
+consumption and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a day
+longer,) a messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste to the
+Prince of Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment. “To the High
+and Mighty Prince,” &c. the letter ran. “The Champion who had the honor
+of engaging on Wednesday last with his late Excellency the Rowski of
+Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves.
+Through the medium of the public prints the C. has been made acquainted
+with the flattering proposal of His Serene Highness relative to a union
+between himself (the Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess
+Helen of Cleves. The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite
+invitation, and will have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and
+Princess of Cleves about half an hour after the receipt of this letter.”
+
+“Tol lol de rol, girl,” shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy. (Have you
+not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and on the stage,
+joy is announced by the above burst of insensate monosyllables?) “Tol
+lol de rol. Don thy best kirtle, child; thy husband will be here anon.”
+ And Helen retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event in the life
+of a young woman. When she returned, attired to welcome her defender,
+her young cheek was as pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs
+she wore.
+
+She was scarce seated on the dais by her father's side, when a huge
+flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE
+CHAMPION. Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary to
+restore her tranquillity.
+
+The great door was flung open. He entered,--the same tall warrior, slim,
+and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. He approached the Prince's
+throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in armor. He knelt
+gracefully on one knee.
+
+“I come,” said he in a voice trembling with emotion, “to claim, as per
+advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen.” And he held out a
+copy of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke.
+
+“Art thou noble, Sir Knight?” asked the Prince of Cleves.
+
+“As noble as yourself,” answered the kneeling steel.
+
+“Who answers for thee?”
+
+“I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!” said the knight on the
+right hand, lifting up his visor.
+
+“And I--Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!” said the knight on
+the left, doing likewise.
+
+The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen.
+
+“I KNEW IT WAS,” said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer.
+
+But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell ye.
+In a very few days after, a great marriage took place at Cleves under
+the patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the
+marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove
+off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissingen. The Lady
+Theodora, whom we left locked up in her convent a long while since, was
+prevailed upon to come back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to
+her husband. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son,
+and spoiled all her little grandchildren. And so all are happy, and my
+simple tale is done.
+
+I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library.
+'Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas; but
+'tis probable that he stole it from some other, and that the other had
+filched it from a former tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun.
+Things die and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgotten tale
+of the great Dumas reappears under the signature of
+
+THERESA MACWHIRTER.
+
+WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1.
+
+
+
+
+REBECCA AND ROWENA.
+
+A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE.
+
+BY MR. MICHAEL ANGELO TITMARSH.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+THE OVERTURE.--COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUSINESS.
+
+
+Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance, assuredly
+it has often occurred to every one of you, that the books we delight
+in have very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite prematurely with
+page 320 of the third volume. At that epoch of the history it is well
+known that the hero is seldom more than thirty years old, and the
+heroine by consequence some seven or eight years younger; and I would
+ask any of you whether it is fair to suppose that people after the above
+age have nothing worthy of note in their lives, and cease to exist as
+they drive away from Saint George's, Hanover Square? You, dear young
+ladies, who get your knowledge of life from the circulating library, may
+be led to imagine that when the marriage business is done, and Emilia
+is whisked off in the new travelling-carriage, by the side of the
+enraptured Earl; or Belinda, breaking away from the tearful embraces
+of her excellent mother, dries her own lovely eyes upon the throbbing
+waistcoat of her bridegroom--you may be apt, I say, to suppose that all
+is over then; that Emilia and the Earl are going to be happy for the
+rest of their lives in his lordship's romantic castle in the North, and
+Belinda and her young clergyman to enjoy uninterrupted bliss in their
+rose-trellised parsonage in the West of England: but some there be among
+the novel-reading classes--old experienced folks--who know better than
+this. Some there be who have been married, and found that they have
+still something to see and to do, and to suffer mayhap; and that
+adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and taxes, and sunrises and
+settings, and the business and joys and griefs of life go on after, as
+before the nuptial ceremony.
+
+Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes of
+hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by to the
+two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife; and I have
+often wished that additions should be made to all works of fiction which
+have been brought to abrupt terminations in the manner described; and
+that we should hear what occurs to the sober married man, as well as to
+the ardent bachelor; to the matron, as well as to the blushing spinster.
+And in this respect I admire (and would desire to imitate,) the noble
+and prolific French author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from
+early youth down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them
+rest until they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should
+get a little peace and quiet. A hero is much too valuable a gentleman to
+be put upon the retired list, in the prime and vigor of his youth; and
+I wish to know what lady among us would like to be put on the shelf, and
+thought no longer interesting, because she has a family growing up, and
+is four or five and thirty years of age? I have known ladies at sixty,
+with hearts as tender and ideas as romantic as any young misses of
+sixteen. Let us have middle-aged novels then, as well as your extremely
+juvenile legends: let the young ones be warned that the old folks have
+a right to be interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart,
+although she is somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a
+man his feelings, although he gets his hair from Truefitt's.
+
+Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most illustrious
+personages of romance should be continued by fitting hands, and that
+they should be heard of, until at least a decent age.--Look at Mr.
+James's heroes: they invariably marry young. Look at Mr. Dickens's:
+they disappear from the scene when they are mere chits. I trust these
+authors, who are still alive, will see the propriety of telling us
+something more about people in whom we took a considerable interest,
+and who must be at present strong and hearty, and in the full vigor
+of health and intellect. And in the tales of the great Sir Walter (may
+honor be to his name), I am sure there are a number of people who are
+untimely carried away from us, and of whom we ought to hear more.
+
+My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind, been
+one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so admirable, so
+tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear altogether before such
+another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen-headed creature, who is,
+in my humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe, and unworthy of her place as
+heroine. Had both of them got their rights, it ever seemed to me that
+Rebecca would have had the husband, and Rowena would have gone off to
+a convent and shut herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken
+the trouble of inquiring for her.
+
+But after all she married Ivanhoe. What is to be done? There is no help
+for it. There it is in black and white at the end of the third volume
+of Sir Walter Scott's chronicle, that the couple were joined together in
+matrimony. And must the Disinherited Knight, whose blood has been fired
+by the suns of Palestine, and whose heart has been warmed in the company
+of the tender and beautiful Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the
+side of such a frigid piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim,
+niminy-piminy Rowena? Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice! There
+is a simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their
+due, which is here submitted to the novel-reader. Ivanhoe's history MUST
+have had a continuation; and it is this which ensues. I may be wrong in
+some particulars of the narrative,--as what writer will not be?--but
+of the main incidents of the history, I have in my own mind no sort of
+doubt, and confidently submit them to that generous public which likes
+to see virtue righted, true love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy
+descend out of the blazing chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make
+Harlequin and Columbine happy. What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and
+ladies; and if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping
+in and out of endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting
+scenes, no fairy comes down to make US comfortable at the close of the
+performance? Ah! let us give our honest novel-folks the benefit of their
+position, and not be envious of their good luck.
+
+No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as the
+famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt for a
+moment what was the result of the marriage between Sir Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe and Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her conduct during
+her maidenhood, her distinguished politeness, her spotless modesty of
+demeanor, her unalterable coolness under all circumstances, and her
+lofty and gentlewomanlike bearing, must be sure that her married conduct
+would equal her spinster behavior, and that Rowena the wife would be a
+pattern of correctness for all the matrons of England.
+
+Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for piety
+was known. Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy and monks of
+the district, whom she fed with the richest viands, while she pinched
+herself upon pulse and water. There was not an invalid in the three
+Ridings, Saxon or Norman, but the palfrey of the Lady Rowena might
+be seen journeying to his door, in company with Father Glauber, her
+almoner, and Brother Thomas of Epsom, her leech. She lighted up all the
+churches in Yorkshire with wax-candles, the offerings of her piety. The
+bells of her chapel began to ring at two o'clock in the morning; and
+all the domestics of Rotherwood were called upon to attend at matins,
+at complins, at nones, at vespers, and at sermon. I need not say that
+fasting was observed with all the rigors of the Church; and that those
+of the servants of the Lady Rowena were looked upon with most favor
+whose hair-shirts were the roughest, and who flagellated themselves with
+the most becoming perseverance.
+
+Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or cooled
+his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy fool in
+England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the shuddering poor
+servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below the salt, it was
+such a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to laugh at the innuendoes
+of the unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile was the best applause he
+could muster. Once, indeed, when Guffo, the goose-boy (a half-witted
+poor wretch), laughed outright at a lamentably stale pun which Wamba
+palmed upon him at supper-time, (it was dark, and the torches being
+brought in, Wamba said, “Guffo, they can't see their way in the
+argument, and are going TO THROW A LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,”) the
+Lady Rowena, being disturbed in a theological controversy with Father
+Willibald, (afterwards canonized as St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit
+and confessor,) called out to know what was the cause of the unseemly
+interruption, and Guffo and Wamba being pointed out as the culprits,
+ordered them straightway into the court-yard, and three dozen to be
+administered to each of them.
+
+“I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle,” said poor Wamba, piteously,
+appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, “and canst thou not save me from
+the lash?”
+
+“Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf's castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH THE
+JEWESS IN THE TOWER!” said Rowena, haughtily replying to the timid
+appeal of her husband. “Gurth, give him four dozen!”
+
+And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of his
+master.
+
+In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the
+royal blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort, could
+scarcely call his life his own, and was made, in all things, to feel the
+inferiority of his station. And which of us is there acquainted with the
+sex that has not remarked this propensity in lovely woman, and how often
+the wisest in the council are made to be as fools at HER board, and the
+boldest in the battle-field are craven when facing her distaff?
+
+“Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower,” was a
+remark, too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader will
+understand, the significancy. When the daughter of Isaac of York brought
+her diamonds and rubies--the poor gentle victim!--and, meekly laying
+them at the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed into foreign lands
+to tend the sick of her people, and to brood over the bootless passion
+which consumed her own pure heart, one would have thought that the heart
+of the royal lady would have melted before such beauty and humility, and
+that she would have been generous in the moment of her victory.
+
+But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being
+handsome and more love-worthy than herself? The Lady Rowena did
+certainly say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, “Come and
+live with me as a sister,” as the former part of this history shows; but
+Rebecca knew in her heart that her ladyship's proposition was what
+is called BOSH (in that noble Eastern language with which Wilfrid the
+Crusader was familiar), or fudge, in plain Saxon; and retired with a
+broken, gentle spirit, neither able to bear the sight of her rival's
+happiness, nor willing to disturb it by the contrast of her own
+wretchedness. Rowena, like the most high-bred and virtuous of women,
+never forgave Isaac's daughter her beauty, nor her flirtation with
+Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term it); nor, above all, her
+admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena was actually in
+possession of them.
+
+In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe's teeth. There
+was not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made to remember
+that a Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and that a Christian
+lady of fashion could never forgive the insult. For instance, if Gurth,
+the swineherd, who was now promoted to be a gamekeeper and verderer,
+brought the account of a famous wild-boar in the wood, and proposed a
+hunt, Rowena would say, “Do, Sir Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you
+know your friends the Jews can't abide them!” Or when, as it oft would
+happen, our lion-hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a
+benevolence from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists,
+or extract some of the principal rabbis' teeth, Rowena would exult and
+say, “Serve them right, the misbelieving wretches! England can never be
+a happy country until every one of these monsters is exterminated!” or
+else, adopting a strain of still more savage sarcasm, would exclaim,
+“Ivanhoe my dear, more persecution for the Jews! Hadn't you better
+interfere, my love? His Majesty will do anything for you; and, you know,
+the Jews were ALWAYS SUCH FAVORITES OF YOURS,” or words to that effect.
+But, nevertheless, her ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing
+Rebecca's jewels at court, whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or
+at the York assizes and ball, when she appeared there: not of course
+because she took any interest in such things, but because she considered
+it her duty to attend, as one of the chief ladies of the county.
+
+Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his wishes,
+was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous elevation,
+disappointed. Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so in life! Many a
+garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and green, which, when
+beheld closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady walks melancholy and
+grass-grown; the bowers you would fain repose in, cushioned with
+stinging-nettles. I have ridden in a caique upon the waters of the
+Bosphorus, and looked upon the capital of the Soldan of Turkey. As seen
+from those blue waters, with palace and pinnacle, with gilded dome and
+towering cypress, it seemeth a very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter
+the city, and it is but a beggarly labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty
+alleys, where the ways are steep and the smells are foul, tenanted by
+mangy dogs and ragged beggars--a dismal illusion! Life is such, ah,
+well-a-day! It is only hope which is real, and reality is a bitterness
+and a deceit.
+
+Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe's high principles would never bring himself
+to acknowledge this fact; but others did for him. He grew thin, and
+pined away as much as if he had been in a fever under the scorching sun
+of Ascalon. He had no appetite for his meals; he slept ill, though he
+was yawning all day. The jangling of the doctors and friars whom
+Rowena brought together did not in the least enliven him, and he would
+sometimes give proofs of somnolency during their disputes, greatly to
+the consternation of his lady. He hunted a good deal, and, I very much
+fear, as Rowena rightly remarked, that he might have an excuse for being
+absent from home. He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a
+hermit; and when he came back from Athelstane's (whither he would
+repair not unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural
+brilliancy of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be sure,
+was sitting up for him. As for Athelstane, he swore by St. Wullstan that
+he was glad to have escaped a marriage with such a pattern of propriety;
+and honest Cedric the Saxon (who had been very speedily driven out of
+his daughter-in-law's castle) vowed by St. Waltheof that his son had
+bought a dear bargain.
+
+So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his royal
+master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he had squeezed
+from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all the money which he
+could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince began to make war against
+the French King, in Normandy and Guienne, Sir Wilfrid pined like a true
+servant to be in company of the good champion, alongside of whom he
+had shivered so many lances, and dealt such woundy blows of sword and
+battle-axe on the plains of Jaffa or the breaches of Acre. Travellers
+were welcome at Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good
+King: and I warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when
+Father Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James's Chronykyll (which
+was the paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of “another glorious
+triumph”--“Defeat of the French near Blois”--“Splendid victory at Epte,
+and narrow escape of the French King:” the which deeds of arms the
+learned scribes had to narrate.
+
+However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left the
+Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and the more
+moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his Gascony wine.
+Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail hanging vacant on the
+wall, his banner covered with spider-webs, and his sword and axe rusting
+there. “Ah, dear axe,” sighed he (into his drinking-horn)--“ah, gentle
+steel! that was a merry time when I sent thee crashing into the pate of
+the Emir Abdul Melik as he rode on the right of Saladin. Ah, my sword,
+my dainty headsman? my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards! is
+the rust to eat thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in
+battle? What is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a
+cobweb for a pennon? O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once
+more thy voice in the front of the onset! Bones of Brian the Templar?
+would ye could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we might
+break another spear for honor and--and--” . . .
+
+“And REBECCA,” he would have said; but the knight paused here in rather
+a guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena (as she chose
+to style herself at home) looked so hard at him out of her china-blue
+eyes, that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading his thoughts, and was
+fain to drop his own eyes into his flagon.
+
+In a word, his life was intolerable. The dinner hour of the twelfth
+century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined at ten
+o'clock in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum under her
+canopy, embroidered with the arms of Edward the Confessor, working with
+her maidens at the most hideous pieces of tapestry, representing the
+tortures and martyrdoms of her favorite saints, and not allowing a soul
+to speak above his breath, except when she chose to cry out in her own
+shrill voice when a handmaid made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of
+worsted. It was a dreary life. Wamba, we have said, never ventured to
+crack a joke, save in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and
+then Sir Wilfrid Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but
+hunted in silence, moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with shaft
+and quarrel.
+
+Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless, to
+join him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard, with a
+score or two of lances. But the Earl of Huntingdon was a very different
+character from Robin Hood the forester. There was no more conscientious
+magistrate in all the county than his lordship: he was never known to
+miss church or quarter-sessions; he was the strictest game-proprietor
+in all the Riding, and sent scores of poachers to Botany Bay. “A man who
+has a stake in the country, my good Sir Wilfrid,” Lord Huntingdon said,
+with rather a patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat
+since the King had taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong
+as an elephant to mount him)--“a man with a stake in the country
+ought to stay IN the country. Property has its duties as well as its
+privileges, and a person of my rank is bound to live on the land from
+which he gets his living.”
+
+“'Amen!” sang out the Reverend ---- Tuck, his lordship's domestic
+chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx, who was
+as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his handkerchief, and
+had his poll shaved and his beard curled every day. And so sanctified
+was his Reverence grown, that he thought it was a shame to kill the
+pretty deer, (though he ate of them still hugely, both in pasties and
+with French beans and currant-jelly,) and being shown a quarter-staff
+upon a certain occasion, handled it curiously, and asked “what that ugly
+great stick was?”
+
+Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun and
+spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come and
+stay at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness of that
+castle. But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself such airs, and
+bored her so intolerably with stories of King Edward the Confessor, that
+she preferred any place rather than Rotherwood, which was as dull as if
+it had been at the top of Mount Athos.
+
+The only person who visited it was Athelstane. “His Royal Highness the
+Prince” Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received with
+royal honors. She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned out with
+presented arms when he arrived; helped him to all Ivanhoe's favorite
+cuts of the mutton or the turkey, and forced her poor husband to
+light him to the state bedroom, walking backwards, holding a pair of
+wax-candles. At this hour of bedtime the Thane used to be in such a
+condition, that he saw two pair of candles and two Ivanhoes reeling
+before him. Let us hope it was not Ivanhoe that was reeling, but only
+his kinsman's brains muddled with the quantities of drink which it was
+his daily custom to consume. Rowena said it was the crack which the
+wicked Bois Guilbert, “the Jewess's OTHER lover, Wilfrid my dear,”
+ gave him on his royal skull, which caused the Prince to be disturbed so
+easily; but added, that drinking became a person of royal blood, and was
+but one of the duties of his station.
+
+Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man to
+bear him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he himself was
+every day more and more bent upon going, and he long cast about for some
+means of breaking to his Rowena his firm resolution to join the King.
+He thought she would certainty fall ill if he communicated the news too
+abruptly to her: he would pretend a journey to York to attend a grand
+jury; then a call to London on law business or to buy stock; then he
+would slip over to Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and
+so be with the King before his wife knew that he was out of sight of
+Westminster Hall.
+
+“Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo! to a
+goose, plump, short, and to the point,” said Wamba the Jester--who was
+Sir Wilfrid's chief counsellor and attendant--“depend on't her Highness
+would bear the news like a Christian woman.”
+
+“Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap,” said Sir Wilfrid, in a
+fine tone of high-tragedy indignation. “Thou knowest not the delicacy
+of the nerves of high-born ladies. An she faint not, write me down
+Hollander.”
+
+“I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that she
+will let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not the matter
+too strongly,” Wamba answered, knowingly. And this Ivanhoe found to his
+discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast, adopting a degage air, as he
+sipped his tea, he said, “My love, I was thinking of going over to pay
+his Majesty a visit in Normandy.” Upon which, laying down her muffin,
+(which, since the royal Alfred baked those cakes, had been the chosen
+breakfast cate of noble Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered
+to her on a salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)--“When
+do you think of going, Wilfrid my dear?” the lady said; and the moment
+the tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put away,
+she set about mending his linen, and getting ready his carpet-bag.
+
+So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him as he
+had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the Fool to say,
+“Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board, who, when the
+boatswain flogged him, did cry out 'Oh!' wherever the rope's-end fell on
+him: which caused Master Boatswain to say, 'Plague on thee, fellow, and
+a pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit thee there is no pleasing thee.'”
+
+“And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring,”
+ thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, “and mine is one that is ever sore.”
+
+So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and
+a large woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife's own white
+fingers had woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join the King his
+master. Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a series of prayers
+and blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord mounted his charger,
+which his squires led to the door. “It was the duty of the British
+female of rank,” she said, “to suffer all--ALL in the cause of her
+sovereign. SHE would not fear loneliness during the campaign: she would
+bear up against widowhood, desertion, and an unprotected situation.”
+
+“My cousin Athelstane will protect thee,” said Ivanhoe, with profound
+emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and bestowing a chaste
+salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena modestly said “she hoped his
+Highness would be so kind.”
+
+Then Ivanhoe's trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket-handkerchief:
+then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant of the good Knight,
+Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner (which was argent, a
+gules cramoisy with three Moors impaled sable): then Wamba gave a lash
+on his mule's haunch, and Ivanhoe, heaving a great sigh, turned the tail
+of his war-horse upon the castle of his fathers.
+
+As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane powdering
+along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his great dray-horse
+of a charger. “Good-by, good luck to you, old brick,” cried the Prince,
+using the vernacular Saxon. “Pitch into those Frenchmen; give it 'em
+over the face and eyes; and I'll stop at home and take care of Mrs. I.”
+
+“Thank you, kinsman,” said Ivanhoe--looking, however, not particularly
+well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train of each took its
+different way--Athelstane's to Rotherwood, Ivanhoe's towards his place
+of embarkation.
+
+The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and as
+yellow as a lawyer's parchment; and having longed to quit home any time
+these three years past, he found himself envying Athelstane, because,
+forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which symptoms of discontent being
+observed by the witless Wamba, caused that absurd madman to bring his
+rebeck over his shoulder from his back, and to sing--
+
+               “ATRA CURA.
+
+     “Before I lost my five poor wits,
+     I mind me of a Romish clerk,
+     Who sang how Care, the phantom dark,
+     Beside the belted horseman sits.
+     Methought I saw the griesly sprite
+     Jump up but now behind my Knight.”
+
+“Perhaps thou didst, knave,” said Ivanhoe, looking over his shoulder;
+and the knave went on with his jingle:
+
+     “And though he gallop as he may,
+     I mark that cursed monster black
+     Still sits behind his honor's back,
+     Tight squeezing of his heart alway.
+     Like two black Templars sit they there,
+     Beside one crupper, Knight and Care.
+
+     “No knight am I with pennoned spear,
+     To prance upon a bold destrere:
+     I will not have black Care prevail
+     Upon my long-eared charger's tail,
+     For lo, I am a witless fool,
+     And laugh at Grief and ride a mule.”
+
+And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule's sides.
+
+“Silence, fool!” said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both majestic
+and wrathful. “If thou knowest not care and grief, it is because thou
+knowest not love, whereof they are the companions. Who can love without
+an anxious heart? How shall there be joy at meeting, without tears at
+parting?” (“I did not see that his honor or my lady shed many anon,”
+ thought Wamba the Fool; but he was only a zany, and his mind was not
+right.) “I would not exchange my very sorrows for thine indifference,”
+ the knight continued. “Where there is a sun, there must be a shadow. If
+the shadow offend me, shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark? No!
+I am content with my fate, even such as it is. The Care of which thou
+speakest, hard though it may vex him, never yet rode down an honest
+man. I can bear him on my shoulders, and make my way through the world's
+press in spite of him; for my arm is strong, and my sword is keen, and
+my shield has no stain on it; and my heart, though it is sad, knows no
+guile.” And here, taking a locket out of his waistcoat (which was made
+of chain-mail), the knight kissed the token, put it back under the
+waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and stuck spurs into his horse.
+
+As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid
+was making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on the
+knight's part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to the
+fool,) and so did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe's pompous
+remarks. They travelled on by slow stages through the whole kingdom,
+until they came to Dover, whence they took shipping for Calais. And in
+this little voyage, being exceedingly sea-sick, and besides elated at
+the thought of meeting his sovereign, the good knight cast away that
+profound melancholy which had accompanied him during the whole of his
+land journey.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE LAST DAYS OF THE LION.
+
+
+From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across country to
+Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses and the rest of
+his attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who travelled not only as
+the knight's fool, but as his valet, and who, perched on the roof of the
+carriage, amused himself by blowing tunes upon the conducteur's French
+horn. The good King Richard was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin,
+encamped before a little place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a
+vassal of the King's, was holding the castle against his sovereign with
+a resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the
+part of the Monarch with the Lion Heart. For brave and magnanimous as
+he was, the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more than
+another; and, like the royal animal whom he was said to resemble, he
+commonly tore his adversary to pieces, and then, perchance, had leisure
+to think how brave the latter had been. The Count of Chalus had found,
+it was said, a pot of money; the royal Richard wanted it. As the count
+denied that he had it, why did he not open the gates of his castle
+at once? It was a clear proof that he was guilty; and the King was
+determined to punish this rebel, and have his money and his life too.
+
+He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those
+instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the place
+a score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been beaten
+back on every occasion, until he was so savage that it was dangerous
+to approach the British Lion. The Lion's wife, the lovely Berengaria,
+scarcely ventured to come near him. He flung the joint-stools in his
+tent at the heads of the officers of state, and kicked his aides-de-camp
+round his pavilion; and, in fact, a maid of honor, who brought a
+sack-posset in to his Majesty from the Queen after he came in from the
+assault, came spinning like a football out of the royal tent just as
+Ivanhoe entered it.
+
+“Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!” roared out the infuriate
+King. “By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the sack! By St.
+Wittikind, I will have her flayed alive. Ha, St. George! ha, St.
+Richard! whom have we here?” And he lifted up his demi-culverin, or
+curtal-axe--a weapon weighing about thirteen hundredweight--and was
+about to fling it at the intruder's head, when the latter, kneeling
+gracefully on one knee, said calmly, “It is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe.”
+
+“What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the
+henpecked!” cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor, flinging
+away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed (it lighted
+three hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon, who was smoking
+a cigar at the door of his tent, and caused that redoubted warrior to
+limp for some days after). “What, Wilfrid my gossip? Art come to see
+the lion's den? There are bones in it, man, bones and carcasses, and the
+lion is angry,” said the King, with a terrific glare of his eyes. “But
+tush! we will talk of that anon. Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for
+the King and the good Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe. Thou art come in
+time, Wilfrid, for, by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand
+assault to-morrow. There will be bones broken, ha!”
+
+“I care not, my liege,” said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign
+respectfully, and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of hypocras
+to his Highness's good health. And he at once appeared to be taken into
+high favor; not a little to the envy of many of the persons surrounding
+the King.
+
+As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty before
+Chalus. Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the castle, but
+it was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his gallant
+garrison, that each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties returning
+disconsolately to their tents, leaving behind them many of their own
+slain, and bringing back with them store of broken heads and maimed
+limbs, received in the unsuccessful onset. The valor displayed by
+Ivanhoe in all these contests was prodigious; and the way in which
+he escaped death from the discharges of mangonels, catapults,
+battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling oil, and other artillery,
+with which the besieged received their enemies, was remarkable. After
+a day's fighting, Gurth and Wamba used to pick the arrows out of their
+intrepid master's coat-of-mail, as if they had been so many almonds in
+a pudding. 'Twas well for the good knight, that under his first coat-of
+armor he wore a choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly impervious to
+arrow-shots, and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac of York, to
+whom he had done some considerable services a few years back.
+
+If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated failures of
+his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice was blinded in
+the lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the first to acknowledge
+the valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would have given him a Peerage
+and the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a dozen times in the course of
+the siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a dozen storming parties, and with
+his own hand killed as many men (viz, two thousand three hundred
+and fifty-one) within six, as were slain by the lion-hearted monarch
+himself. But his Majesty was rather disgusted than pleased by his
+faithful servant's prowess; and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for
+his superior valor and dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of
+hundreds of them of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings
+host could not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the
+royal mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of
+arms with an evil eye. Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King that
+Sir Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill more men
+than Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de Toadhole said that
+Ivanhoe stated everywhere that his Majesty was not the man he used to
+be; that pleasures and drink had enervated him; that he could neither
+ride, nor strike a blow with sword or axe, as he had been enabled to do
+in the old times in Palestine: and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault,
+in which they had very nearly carried the place, and in which onset
+Ivanhoe slew seven, and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de
+Chalus, its defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his
+banner before the King's upon the wall; and only rescued himself from
+utter disgrace by saving his Majesty's life several times in the course
+of this most desperate onslaught.
+
+Then the luckless knight's very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected
+readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men--nor was Ivanhoe liked
+by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard. His young
+Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the pleasure-loving
+monarch. His Majesty would transact business in the morning, then fight
+severely from after breakfast till about three o'clock in the afternoon;
+from which time, until after midnight, there was nothing but jigging
+and singing, feasting and revelry, in the royal tents. Ivanhoe, who
+was asked as a matter of ceremony, and forced to attend these
+entertainments, not caring about the blandishments of any of the ladies
+present, looked on at their ogling and dancing with a countenance as
+glum as an undertaker's, and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst
+of the festivities. His favorite resort and conversation were with a
+remarkably austere hermit, who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus, and
+with whom Ivanhoe loved to talk about Palestine, and the Jews, and other
+grave matters of import, better than to mingle in the gayest amusements
+of the court of King Richard. Many a night, when the Queen and the
+ladies were dancing quadrilles and polkas (in which his Majesty, who was
+enormously stout as well as tall, insisted upon figuring, and in which
+he was about as graceful as an elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe
+would steal away from the ball, and come and have a night's chat under
+the moon with his reverend friend. It pained him to see a man of the
+King's age and size dancing about with the young folks. They laughed
+at his Majesty whilst they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor
+mimicked the royal mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe ever
+could have laughed, he certainly would one night when the King, in
+light-blue satin inexpressibles, with his hair in powder, chose to dance
+the minuet de la cour with the little Queen Berangeria.
+
+Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and begin to
+sing. He was said to compose his own songs--words and music--but those
+who have read Lord Campobello's “Lives of the Lord Chancellors” are
+aware that there was a person by the name of Blondel, who, in fact, did
+all the musical part of the King's performances; and as for the words,
+when a king writes verses, we may be sure there will be plenty of people
+to admire his poetry. His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which
+he had stolen every idea, to an air that was ringing on all the
+barrel-organs of Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would
+say, “How do you like that? I dashed it off this morning.” Or, “Blondel,
+what do you think of this movement in B flat?” or what not; and the
+courtiers and Blondel, you may be sure, would applaud with all their
+might, like hypocrites as they were.
+
+One evening--it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed--his
+Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a quantity
+of his so-called composition, until the people were fairly tired of
+clapping with their hands and laughing in their sleeves. First he sang
+an ORIGINAL air and poem, beginning
+
+     “Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose,
+     Fresh and fair ones, who'll refuse?” &c.
+
+The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the day
+before yesterday. Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic melody, of
+which the chorus was
+
+     “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea,
+     For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be,” &c.
+
+The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except
+Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until the
+King questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said “he thought he had
+heard something very like the air and the words elsewhere.” His Majesty
+scowled at him a savage glance from under his red bushy eyebrows; but
+Ivanhoe had saved the royal life that day, and the King, therefore, with
+difficulty controlled his indignation.
+
+“Well,” said he, “by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard THIS
+song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath after the
+melee. Did I not, Blondel?”
+
+Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty had
+done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his great
+red fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as follows:--
+
+     “COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL.
+
+     “The Pope he is a happy man,
+     His Palace is the Vatican,
+     And there he sits and drains his can:
+     The Pope he is a happy man.
+     I often say when I'm at home,
+     I'd like to be the Pope of Rome.
+
+     “And then there's Sultan Saladin,
+     That Turkish Soldan full of sin;
+     He has a hundred wives at least,
+     By which his pleasure is increased:
+     I've often wished, I hope no sin,
+     That I were Sultan Saladin.
+
+     “But no, the Pope no wife may choose,
+     And so I would not wear his shoes;
+     No wine may drink the proud Paynim,
+     And so I'd rather not be him:
+     My wife, my wine, I love I hope,
+     And would be neither Turk nor Pope.”
+
+“Encore! Encore! Bravo! Bis!” Everybody applauded the King's song with
+all his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved his abominable
+gravity: and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite whether he had heard
+that too, said firmly, “Yes, Roger de Backbite; and so hast thou if thou
+darest but tell the truth.”
+
+“Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again,” bawled the King
+in a fury, “if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may I die in
+to-morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song. Sing thyself, Wilfrid
+of the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could'st sing a good song in old times.” And
+with all his might, and with a forced laugh, the King, who loved brutal
+practical jests, flung his guitar at the head of Ivanhoe.
+
+Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an elegant
+bow to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:--
+
+                             “KING CANUTE.
+
+     “King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score,
+     Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing
+     more;
+     And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore.
+
+     “'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps
+          sedate,
+     Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks
+          great,
+     Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,--all the officers of state.
+
+     “Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause,
+     If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped
+          their jaws;
+     If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws.
+
+     “But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and
+        young:
+     Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen
+        sung,
+     Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her
+        tongue.
+
+     “'Something ails my gracious master,' cried the Keeper of the Seal.
+     'Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?'
+     'Psha!' exclaimed the angry monarch.  'Keeper, 'tis not that I
+          feel.
+
+     “''Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest
+          impair:
+     Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care?
+     Oh, I'm sick, and tired, and weary.'--Some one cried, 'The King's
+        arm-chair?'
+
+     “Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded,
+     Straight the King's great chair was brought him, by two footmen
+        able-bodied;
+     Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded.
+
+     “'Leading on my fierce companions,' cried be, 'over storm and
+          brine,
+     I have fought and I have conquered!  Where was glory like to mine?'
+     Loudly all the courtiers echoed: 'Where is glory like to thine?'
+
+     “'What avail me all my kingdoms?  Weary am I now, and old;
+     Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold;
+     Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould!
+
+     “'Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites;
+     Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights;
+     Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights.
+
+     “'Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires;
+     Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered
+     sires.'--Such a tender conscience,' cries the Bishop, 'every
+          one admires.
+
+     “'But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to
+         search,
+     They're forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church;
+     Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch.
+
+     “'Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace's
+          bounty raised;
+     Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily
+          praised:
+     YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I'm amazed!'
+
+     “'Nay, I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near.'
+     'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a
+     tear).
+     'Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty
+          year.'
+
+     “'Live these fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to
+          suit.
+     'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute!
+     Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do't.
+
+     “'Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela,
+     Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn't the King as well as
+     they?'
+     'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, 'fervently I trust he may.'
+
+     “'HE to die?' resumed the Bishop.  'He a mortal like to US?
+     Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus:
+     Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus.
+
+     “'With his wondrous skill in healing ne'er a doctor can compete,
+     Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet;
+     Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet.
+
+     “'Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill,
+     And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still?
+     So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.'
+
+     “'Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?' Canute cried;
+     'Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride?
+     If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide.
+
+     “'Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?'
+     Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, 'Land and sea, my lord, are thine.'
+     Canute turned towards the ocean--'Back!' he said, 'thou foaming
+     brine
+
+     “'From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat;
+     Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master's seat:
+     Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!'
+
+     “But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar,
+     And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore;
+     Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore.
+
+     “And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay,
+     But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey:
+     And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day.
+     King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway.”
+
+At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as a
+sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some affected
+to be asleep and snore outright. But Roger de Backbite thinking to curry
+favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity, his Majesty fetched
+him a knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear, which, I warrant me,
+wakened Master Roger; to whom the King said, “Listen and be civil,
+slave; Wilfrid is singing about thee.--Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but
+it is to the purpose, and I have grown cool during thy homily. Give
+me thy hand, honest friend. Ladies, good night. Gentlemen, we give the
+grand assault to-morrow; when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall
+not be before mine.”--And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty,
+retired into the private pavilion.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+ST. GEORGE FOR ENGLAND.
+
+
+Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp outside
+the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most miserable
+plight that may be conceived. Hunger, as well as the fierce assaults
+of the besiegers, had made dire ravages in the place. The garrison's
+provisions of corn and cattle, their very horses, dogs, and donkeys had
+been eaten up--so that it might well be said by Wamba “that famine, as
+well as slaughter, had THINNED the garrison.” When the men of Chalus
+came on the walls to defend it against the scaling-parties of King
+Richard, they were like so many skeletons in armor; they could hardly
+pull their bowstrings at last, or pitch down stones on the heads of his
+Majesty's party, so weak had their arms become; and the gigantic Count
+of Chalus--a warrior as redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard
+Plantagenet himself--was scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe upon
+the day of that last assault, when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran him
+through the--but we are advancing matters.
+
+What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which the
+Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his heroic sons
+and garrison?--Nothing, but that Dante has already done the business
+in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my efforts might be
+considered as mere imitations. Why should I not, if I were minded to
+revel in horrifying details, show you how the famished garrison drew
+lots, and ate themselves during the siege; and how the unlucky lot
+falling upon the Countess of Chalus, that heroic woman, taking an
+affectionate leave of her family, caused her large caldron in the castle
+kitchen to be set a-boiling, had onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and
+salt made ready, to make a savory soup, as the French like it; and when
+all things were quite completed, kissed her children, jumped into the
+caldron from off a kitchen stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel
+bed-gown? Dear friends, it is not from want of imagination, or from
+having no turn for the terrible or pathetic, that I spare you these
+details. I could give you some description that would spoil your dinner
+and night's rest, and make your hair stand on end. But why harrow your
+feelings? Fancy all the tortures and horrors that possibly can occur in
+a beleaguered and famished castle: fancy the feelings of men who know
+that no more quarter will be given them than they would get if they
+were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and brought to trial by his
+Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then let us rush on to the breach
+and prepare once more to meet the assault of dreadful King Richard and
+his men.
+
+On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having copiously
+partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and advanced with
+his host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus. Arthur de Pendennis
+bore his banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on the King's right hand.
+Molyneux, Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed crosier and mitre for that
+day, and though fat and pursy, panted up the breach with the most
+resolute spirit, roaring out war-cries and curses, and wielding a
+prodigious mace of iron, with which he did good execution. Roger de
+Backbite was forced to come in attendance upon the sovereign, but took
+care to keep in the rear of his august master, and to shelter behind his
+huge triangular shield as much as possible. Many lords of note followed
+the King and bore the ladders; and as they were placed against the wall,
+the air was perfectly dark with the shower of arrows which the French
+archers poured out at the besiegers, and the cataract of stones,
+kettles, bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery, umbrellas,
+congreve-rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other missiles
+which the desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party. The King
+received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany
+wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an
+ox, and would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off
+skilfully. Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them like
+grass beneath the scythe of the mower.
+
+The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining round: the
+King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount them. Chalus stood
+in the breach, borrowing strength from despair; and roaring out, “Ha!
+Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!” he dealt the King a crack across
+the helmet with his battle-axe, which shore off the gilt lion and
+crown that surmounted the steel cap. The King bent and reeled back; the
+besiegers were dismayed; the garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a
+shout of triumph: but it was premature.
+
+As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in tierce,
+which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him through as
+clean as a spit does a partridge. Uttering a horrid shriek, he fell
+back writhing; the King recovering staggered up the parapet; the rush
+of knights followed, and the union-jack was planted triumphantly on the
+walls, just as Ivanhoe,--but we must leave him for a moment.
+
+“Ha, St. Richard!--ha, St. George!” the tremendous voice of the
+Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset. At every sweep
+of his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting trunk
+tumbled, bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan. The world hath never
+seen a warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet, as he raged
+over the keep, his eyes flashing fire through the bars of his morion,
+snorting and chafing with the hot lust of battle. One by one les enfans
+de Chalus had fallen; there was only one left at last of all the brave
+race that had fought round the gallant Count:--only one, and but a boy,
+a fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed boy! he had been gathering pansies in the
+fields but yesterday--it was but a few years, and he was a baby in his
+mother's arms! What could his puny sword do against the most redoubted
+blade in Christendom?--and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of
+England, and met him foot to foot! Turn away, turn away, my dear young
+friends and kind-hearted ladies! Do not look at that ill-fated poor boy!
+his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the conqueror, and
+the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . .
+
+“Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges,” said Bertrand de Gourdon, “the
+butcher will never strike down yonder lambling! Hold thy hand, Sir King,
+or, by St. Barbacue--”
+
+Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his shoulder,
+the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the next moment
+crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet.
+
+'Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon! Maddened by the pain of the
+wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish appetite
+for blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and with a curse too
+horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal butcher fell down
+on the blond ringlets of the child, and the children of Chalus were no
+more! . . .
+
+
+I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT be
+done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as in the
+battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one of whose
+works this present masterpiece is professedly a continuation, everything
+passes off agreeably--the people are slain, but without any unpleasant
+sensation to the reader; nay, some of the most savage and blood-stained
+characters of history, such is the indomitable good-humor of the great
+novelist, become amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a hearty
+sympathy--so, if you please, we will have this fighting business at
+Chalus, and the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon, disposed of;
+the former, according to the usage of the good old times, having been
+hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the manner
+described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History.
+
+As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of
+Bertrand de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero--and that from that
+29th of March he never robbed nor murdered any more. And we have legends
+in recondite books of the manner of the King's death.
+
+“You must die, my son,” said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as
+Berengaria was carried shrieking from the King's tent. “Repent, Sir
+King, and separate yourself from your children!”
+
+“It is ill jesting with a dying man,” replied the King. “Children have I
+none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me.”
+
+“Richard of England,” said the archbishop, turning up his fine eyes,
+“your vices are your children. Ambition is your eldest child, Cruelty
+is your second child, Luxury is your third child; and you have nourished
+them from your youth up. Separate yourself from these sinful ones, and
+prepare your soul, for the hour of departure draweth nigh.”
+
+Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England met
+his death like a Christian man. Peace be to the soul of the brave! When
+the news came to King Philip of France, he sternly forbade his courtiers
+to rejoice at the death of his enemy. “It is no matter of joy but of
+dolor,” he said, “that the bulwark of Christendom and the bravest king
+of Europe is no more.”
+
+
+Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left in the
+act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus through the
+body?
+
+As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse of
+his fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a dagger into
+his back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open (for Sir Wilfrid
+had armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his breast, not his back,
+that he was accustomed ordinarily to protect); and when poor Wamba came
+up on the rampart, which he did when the fighting was over,--being
+such a fool that he could not be got to thrust his head into danger for
+glory's sake--he found his dear knight with the dagger in his back
+lying without life upon the body of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon
+slain.
+
+Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed!
+How he lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend! What
+mattered it to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to his tent,
+and that Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive? At another time the sight
+of this spectacle might have amused the simple knave; but now all his
+thoughts were of his lord: so good, so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so
+frank with the great, so tender to the poor, so truthful of speech, so
+modest regarding his own merit, so true a gentleman, in a word, that
+anybody might, with reason, deplore him.
+
+As Wamba opened the dear knight's corselet, he found a locket round
+his neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my
+Lady Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black, Wamba
+thought, as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight had rescued
+in the lists of Templestowe. A bit of Rowena's hair was in Sir Wilfrid's
+possession, too; but that was in his purse along with his seal of arms,
+and a couple of groats: for the good knight never kept any money, so
+generous was he of his largesses when money came in.
+
+Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket of
+hair round his master's neck, and when he returned to England never said
+a word about the circumstance. After all, how should he know whose hair
+it was? It might have been the knight's grandmother's hair for aught the
+fool knew; so he kept his counsel when he brought back the sad news and
+tokens to the disconsolate widow at Rotherwood.
+
+The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed sat
+by it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when, seeing two
+suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he fled in dismay,
+supposing that they were marauders who were out searching for booty
+among the dead bodies; and having not the least courage, he fled from
+these, and tumbled down the breach, and never stopped running as fast as
+his legs would carry him, until he reached the tent of his late beloved
+master.
+
+The news of the knight's demise, it appeared, had been known at his
+quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden off
+on his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much as a
+shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and blankets had been
+carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants. Who had slain Ivanhoe? That
+remains a mystery to the present day; but Roger de Backbite, whose nose
+he had pulled for defamation, and who was behind him in the assault at
+Chalus, was seen two years afterwards at the court of King John in
+an embroidered velvet waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had
+worked for Ivanhoe, and about which the widow would have made some
+little noise, but that--but that she was no longer a widow.
+
+That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned,
+for she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York could
+supply, and erected a monument to his memory as big as a minster. But
+she was a lady of such fine principles, that she did not allow her grief
+to overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily arising for uniting the
+two best Saxon families in England, by an alliance between herself
+and the gentleman who offered himself to her, Rowena sacrificed her
+inclination to remain single, to her sense of duty; and contracted a
+second matrimonial engagement.
+
+That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with life, and
+novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly natural and
+edifying, can for a moment doubt. Cardinal Pandulfo tied the knot for
+them: and lest there should be any doubt about Ivanhoe's death (for his
+body was never sent home after all, nor seen after Wamba ran away from
+it), his Eminence procured a Papal decree annulling the former marriage,
+so that Rowena became Mrs. Athelstane with a clear conscience. And who
+shall be surprised, if she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane
+than with the gentle and melancholy Wilfrid? Did women never have a
+predilection for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with
+donkeys, before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania? Ah! Mary,
+had you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack Bray,
+when a Michael Angelo offered? Ah! Fanny, were you not a woman, would
+you persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and comes home
+tipsy from the Club? Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times more about tipsy
+Athelstane than ever she had done for gentle Ivanhoe, and so great was
+her infatuation about the former, that she would sit upon his knee in
+the presence of all her maidens, and let him smoke his cigars in the
+very drawing-room.
+
+This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who piqued
+himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the death of her
+late lord:--
+
+     Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus:
+     Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia
+     Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat:
+     Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit.
+     Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa,
+     Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani.
+
+And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of the
+Latin lines:
+
+                 “REQUIESCAT.
+
+     “Under the stone you behold,
+     Buried, and coffined, and cold,
+     Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold.
+
+     “Always he marched in advance,
+     Warring in Flanders and France,
+     Doughty with sword and with lance.
+
+     “Famous in Saracen fight,
+     Rode in his youth the good knight,
+     Scattering Paynims in flight.
+
+     “Brian the Templar untrue,
+     Fairly in tourney he slew,
+     Saw Hierusalem too.
+
+     “Now he is buried and gone,
+     Lying beneath the gray stone:
+     Where shall you find such a one?
+
+     “Long time his widow deplored,
+     Weeping the fate of her lord,
+     Sadly cut off by the sword.
+
+     “When she was eased of her pain,
+     Came the good Lord Athelstane,
+     When her ladyship married again.”
+
+Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last
+line, but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane
+interceded; and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+IVANHOE REDIVIVUS.
+
+
+I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last
+chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead. Because we have given
+him an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons that he
+should be really gone out of the world? No: as in the pantomime, when
+we see Clown and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and cry over him, we are
+always sure that Master Harlequin will be up at the next minute alert
+and shining in his glistening coat; and, after giving a box on the ears
+to the pair of them, will be taking a dance with Columbine, or leaping
+gayly through the clock-face, or into the three-pair-of-stairs'
+window:--so Sir Wilfrid, the Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be
+run through a little, or may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly
+rise up again when he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment.
+
+The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no
+cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no other
+than Ivanhoe's friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of his, who
+visited the scene of the late battle in order to see if any Christians
+still survived there, whom they might shrive and get ready for heaven,
+or to whom they might possibly offer the benefit of their skill as
+leeches. Both were prodigiously learned in the healing art; and had
+about them those precious elixirs which so often occur in romances, and
+with which patients are so miraculously restored. Abruptly dropping his
+master's head from his lap as he fled, poor Wamba caused the knight's
+pate to fall with rather a heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave
+had but stayed a minute longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a
+deep groan. But though the fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and
+to recognize the gallant Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger
+still sticking out of his back, to wash the wound with a portion of the
+precious elixir, and to pour a little of it down his throat, was with
+the excellent hermits the work of an instant: which remedies being
+applied, one of the good men took the knight by the heels and the other
+by the head, and bore him daintily from the castle to their hermitage in
+a neighboring rock. As for the Count of Chalus, and the remainder of the
+slain, the hermits were too much occupied with Ivanhoe's case to mind
+them, and did not, it appears, give them any elixir: so that, if they
+are really dead, they must stay on the rampart stark and cold; or if
+otherwise, when the scene closes upon them as it does now, they may
+get up, shake themselves, go to the slips and drink a pot of porter, or
+change their stage-clothes and go home to supper. My dear readers, you
+may settle the matter among yourselves as you like. If you wish to kill
+the characters really off, let them be dead, and have done with them:
+but, entre nous, I don't believe they are any more dead than you or I
+are, and sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable of truth in
+this whole story.
+
+Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits' cell, and there doctored by the
+holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and dangerous
+order, that he was under medical treatment for a very considerable time.
+When he woke up from his delirium, and asked how long he had been ill,
+fancy his astonishment when he heard that he had been in the fever for
+six years! He thought the reverend fathers were joking at first, but
+their profession forbade them from that sort of levity; and besides,
+he could not possibly have got well any sooner, because the story would
+have been sadly put out had he appeared earlier. And it proves how good
+the fathers were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger
+de Backbite's dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under
+this great length of time; during the whole of which the fathers tended
+him without ever thinking of a fee. I know of a kind physician in this
+town who does as much sometimes; but I won't do him the ill service of
+mentioning his name here.
+
+Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard, which by
+this time hung down considerably below his knees, and calling for his
+suit of chain-armor, which before had fitted his elegant person as tight
+as wax, now put it on, and it bagged and hung so loosely about him, that
+even the good friars laughed at his absurd appearance. It was impossible
+that he should go about the country in such a garb as that: the very
+boys would laugh at him: so the friars gave him one of their old gowns,
+in which he disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell
+of his friends, set forth on his return to his native country. As he
+went along, he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that
+Prince Arthur had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted with
+various other facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock's Catechism
+and the Historic Page.
+
+But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own private
+affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him, and his
+pilgrim's staff shook with emotion, as at length, after many perils, he
+came in sight of his paternal mansion of Rotherwood, and saw once more
+the chimneys smoking, the shadows of the oaks over the grass in the
+sunset, and the rooks winging over the trees. He heard the supper
+gong sounding: he knew his way to the door well enough; he entered the
+familiar hall with a benedicite, and without any more words took his
+place.
+
+*****
+
+You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled and his
+shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself presently:
+nor could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered his face.
+
+A little boy was playing on Athelstane's knee; Rowena smiling and
+patting the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a huge
+cup of spiced wine from a golden jug. He drained a quart of the liquor,
+and, turning round, addressed the friar:--
+
+“And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus by the
+bolt of that felon bowman?”
+
+“We did, an it please you. The brothers of our house attended the good
+King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian ending!”
+
+“And didst thou see the archer flayed alive? It must have been rare
+sport,” roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke. “How the fellow
+must have howled!”
+
+“My love!” said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty white
+finger on his lip.
+
+“I would have liked to see it too,” cried the boy.
+
+“That's my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt. And, friar, didst
+see my poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe? They say he fought well at
+Chalus!”
+
+“My sweet lord,” again interposed Rowena, “mention him not.”
+
+“Why? Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore--when you could
+not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?”
+
+“Those times are past now, dear Athelstane,” said his affectionate wife,
+looking up to the ceiling.
+
+“Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena.”
+
+“The odious hussy! don't mention the name of the unbelieving creature,”
+ exclaimed the lady.
+
+“Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad--a thought melancholy and milksop
+though. Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains.”
+
+“Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance,” said the friar. “I have heard
+there was none better in Christendom. He lay in our convent after his
+wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died. He was buried in
+our north cloister.”
+
+“And there's an end of him,” said Athelstane. “But come, this is dismal
+talk. Where's Wamba the Jester? Let us have a song. Stir up, Wamba, and
+don't lie like a dog in the fire! Sing us a song, thou crack-brained
+jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones. Tush, man! There be many
+good fellows left in this world.”
+
+“There be buzzards in eagles' nests,” Wamba said, who was lying
+stretched before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane's dogs.
+“There be dead men alive, and live men dead. There be merry songs and
+dismal songs. Marry, and the merriest are the saddest sometimes. I will
+leave off motley and wear black, gossip Athelstane. I will turn howler
+at funerals, and then, perhaps, I shall be merry. Motley is fit for
+mutes, and black for fools. Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is
+as cracked as my brain.”
+
+“Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating,” the Thane said.
+
+And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side and
+curled his lean shanks together and began:--
+
+                 “LOVE AT TWO SCORE.
+
+          “Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin,
+             That never has known the barber's shear,
+          All your aim is woman to win--
+          This is the way that boys begin--
+            Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+          “Curly gold locks cover foolish brains,
+             Billing and cooing is all your cheer,
+           Sighing and singing of midnight strains
+           Under Bonnybells' window-panes.
+             Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+          “Forty times over let Michaelmas pass,
+             Grizzling hair the brain doth clear;
+           Then you know a boy is an ass,
+           Then you know the worth of a lass,
+             Once you have come to forty year.
+
+          “Pledge me round, I bid ye declare,
+             All good fellows whose beards are gray:
+           Did not the fairest of the fair
+           Common grow, and wearisome, ere
+             Ever a month was passed away?
+
+          “The reddest lips that ever have kissed,
+             The brightest eyes that ever have shone,
+           May pray and whisper and we not list,
+           Or look away and never be missed,
+             Ere yet ever a month was gone.
+
+          “Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier,
+             How I loved her twenty years syne!
+           Marian's married, but I sit here,
+           Alive and merry at forty year,
+             Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine.”
+
+“Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?” roared
+Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the chorus.
+
+“It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst,
+that you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we
+knew King Richard. Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good
+priest.”
+
+“They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love,”
+ said Rowena. “His Majesty hath taken him into much favor. My Lord of
+Huntingdon looked very well at the last ball; but I never could see any
+beauty in the Countess--a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they used to
+call Maid Marian: though, for the matter of that, what between her
+flirtations with Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, really--”
+
+“Jealous again--haw! haw!” laughed Athelstane.
+
+“I am above jealousy, and scorn it,” Rowena answered, drawing herself up
+very majestically.
+
+“Well, well, Wamba's was a good song,” Athelstane said.
+
+“Nay, a wicked song,” said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. “What!
+rail at woman's love? Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true wife?
+Woman's love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it would be
+a blasphemer were he not a fool. The well-born and well-nurtured
+gentlewoman loves once and once only.”
+
+“I pray you, madam, pardon me, I--I am not well,” said the gray friar,
+rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the steps of the
+dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as he rose, and casting
+his arms around the apparently fainting man, he led him away into the
+court. “There be dead men alive and live men dead,” whispered he. “There
+be coffins to laugh at and marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth, holy
+friar?” And when they had got out into the solitary court, which was
+deserted by all the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the
+drunken revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt
+down, and kissing the friar's garment, said, “I knew thee, I knew thee,
+my lord and my liege!”
+
+“Get up,” said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate: “only
+fools are faithful.”
+
+And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay
+buried. All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester lay
+outside watching as mute as the saint over the porch.
+
+
+When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the habit
+of wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice was taken of
+his absence by a master and mistress who had not much sense of humor.
+As for Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of feelings could not be
+expected to remain in a house where things so naturally disagreeable
+to him were occurring, and he quitted Rotherwood incontinently, after
+paying a dutiful visit to the tomb where his old father, Cedric, was
+buried; and hastened on to York, at which city he made himself known to
+the family attorney, a most respectable man, in whose hands his ready
+money was deposited, and took up a sum sufficient to fit himself
+out with credit, and a handsome retinue, as became a knight of
+consideration. But he changed his name, wore a wig and spectacles, and
+disguised himself entirely, so that it was impossible his friends or the
+public should know him, and thus metamorphosed, went about whithersoever
+his fancy led him. He was present at a public ball at York, which the
+lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de Coverley in the very same set with
+Rowena--(who was disgusted that Maid Marian took precedence of her)--he
+saw little Athelstane overeat himself at the supper and pledge his big
+father in a cup of sack; he met the Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary
+meeting, where he seconded a resolution proposed by that eminent
+divine;--in fine, he saw a score of his old acquaintances, none of whom
+recognized in him the warrior of Palestine and Templestowe. Having a
+large fortune and nothing to do, he went about this country performing
+charities, slaying robbers, rescuing the distressed, and achieving noble
+feats of arms. Dragons and giants existed in his day no more, or be
+sure he would have had a fling at them: for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid
+of Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life which the hermits of Chalus
+had restored to him, and felt himself so friendless and solitary that he
+would not have been sorry to come to an end of it. Ah, my dear friends
+and intelligent British public, are there not others who are melancholy
+under a mask of gayety, and who, in the midst of crowds, are lonely?
+Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi had feelings; and there are
+others I wot of:--but psha!--let us have the next chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+IVANHOE TO THE RESCUE.
+
+
+The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of Richard of
+the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his relatives, his
+nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and set forth clearly in
+the Historic Page: hence, although nothing, except perhaps success, can,
+in my opinion, excuse disaffection to the sovereign, or appearance in
+armed rebellion against him, the loyal reader will make allowance for
+two of the principal personages of this narrative, who will have to
+appear in the present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their
+lord and king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the
+fault of Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly
+punished, as you shall presently hear,) that the monarch exasperated
+his subjects in a variety of ways,--that before he murdered his royal
+nephew, Prince Arthur, there was a great question whether he was the
+rightful king of England at all,--that his behavior as an uncle, and
+a family man, was likely to wound the feelings of any lady and
+mother,--finally, that there were palliations for the conduct of Rowena
+and Ivanhoe, which it now becomes our duty to relate.
+
+When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was one
+of the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court at once,
+and retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made use of by her,
+and derogatory to the character of the sovereign, were carried to the
+monarch's ears, by some of those parasites, doubtless, by whom it is
+the curse of kings to be attended; and John swore, by St. Peter's teeth,
+that he would be revenged upon the haughty Saxon lady,--a kind of oath
+which, though he did not trouble himself about all other oaths, he was
+never known to break. It was not for some years after he had registered
+this vow, that he was enabled to keep it.
+
+Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his horrid
+designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir Wilfrid would
+have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe was, as we need
+scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the custom and duty of all
+gentlemen of that profession to be present on all occasions of historic
+interest, to be engaged in all conspiracies, royal interviews, and
+remarkable occurrences: and hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have
+rescued the young Prince, had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of
+Rouen, where the foul tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred
+leagues off, at Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his
+bed as crazy as a Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue
+(which he had caught up during a previous illness in which he was tended
+by a maiden of that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben Isaacs, of whom,
+being a married man, he never would have thought, had he been in his
+sound senses. During this delirium, what were politics to him, or he to
+politics? King John or King Arthur was entirely indifferent to a man
+who announced to his nurse-tenders, the good hermits of Chalus before
+mentioned, that he was the Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry
+Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. In a word, he only heard of what had
+occurred when he reached England, and his senses were restored to him.
+Whether was he happier, sound of brain and entirely miserable, (as any
+man would be who found so admirable a wife as Rowena married again,)
+or perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful Rebecca? I don't know
+which he liked best.
+
+Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so thorough
+a detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be brought to take
+service under him; to get himself presented at St. James's, or in any
+way to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, the authority of the
+sanguinary successor of his beloved King Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe, I need scarcely say, who got the Barons of England to league
+together and extort from the king that famous instrument and palladium
+of our liberties at present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street,
+Bloomsbury--the Magna Charta. His name does not naturally appear in the
+list of Barons, because he was only a knight, and a knight in
+disguise too: nor does Athelstane's signature figure on that document.
+Athelstane, in the first place, could not write; nor did he care a
+pennypiece about politics, so long as he could drink his wine at home
+undisturbed, and have his hunting and shooting in quiet.
+
+It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of every
+gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic Page that
+this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into open rebellion,
+along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. It is recorded of the
+King, that he forbade every man to hunt his own deer; and, in order to
+secure an obedience to his orders, this Herod of a monarch wanted to
+secure the eldest sons of all the nobility and gentry, as hostages for
+the good behavior of their parents.
+
+Athelstane was anxious about his game--Rowena was anxious about her
+son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all Norman
+tyrants--the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the ruffian who
+had murdered his own nephew?* The speeches of both were brought to
+the King at York; and, furious, he ordered an instant attack upon
+Rotherwood, and that the lord and lady of that castle should be brought
+before him dead or alive.
+
+     *See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and
+     Pinnock's Catechism.
+
+Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to defend
+the castle against the royal party? A few thrusts from his lance would
+have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host: a few cuts from
+his sword would have put John's forces to rout. But the lance and sword
+of Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. “No, be hanged to me!” said the
+knight, bitterly, “THIS is a quarrel in which I can't interfere. Common
+politeness forbids. Let yonder ale-swilling Athelstane defend his--ha,
+ha--WIFE; and my Lady Rowena guard her--ha, ha, ha--SON.” And he laughed
+wildly and madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked and gurgled
+out the words “wife” and “son” would have made you shudder to hear.
+
+When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege, Athelstane
+had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for good, and not to
+come to life again as he had done before,) and that the widow (if so
+the innocent bigamist may be called) was conducting the defence of
+Rotherwood herself with the greatest intrepidity, showing herself upon
+the walls with her little son, (who bellowed like a bull, and did
+not like the fighting at all,) pointing the guns and encouraging the
+garrison in every way--better feelings returned to the bosom of the
+Knight of Ivanhoe, and summoning his men, he armed himself quickly and
+determined to go forth to the rescue.
+
+He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the direction of
+Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for refreshment, indeed,
+that his men dropped one by one upon the road, and he arrived alone at
+the lodge-gate of the park. The windows were smashed; the door stove
+in; the lodge, a neat little Swiss cottage, with a garden where the
+pinafores of Mrs. Gurth's children might have been seen hanging on the
+gooseberry-bushes in more peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap
+of smoking ruins: cottage, bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled
+together, destroyed by the licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch!
+Far be it from me to excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to
+their sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared.
+
+Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and expiring
+at the flaming and violated threshold of his lately picturesque home. A
+catapult and a couple of mangonels had done his business. The faithful
+fellow, recognizing his master, who had put up his visor and forgotten
+his wig and spectacles in the agitation of the moment, exclaimed, “Sir
+Wilfrid! my dear master--praised be St. Waltheof--there may be yet
+time--my beloved mistr--master Athelst . . .” He sank back, and never
+spoke again.
+
+Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue. The
+castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the besiegers
+were pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane's banner, the bull
+rampant, was still on the northern bartizan. “An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!”
+ he bellowed out, with a shout that overcame all the din of battle:
+“Nostre Dame a la rescousse!” And to hurl his lance through the midriff
+of Reginald de Bracy, who was commanding the assault--who fell howling
+with anguish--to wave his battle-axe over his own head, and cut off
+those of thirteen men-at-arms, was the work of an instant. “An Ivanhoe,
+an Ivanhoe!” he still shouted, and down went a man as sure as he said
+“hoe!”
+
+“Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!” a shrill voice cried from the top of the northern
+bartizan. Ivanhoe knew it.
+
+“Rowena my love, I come!” he roared on his part. “Villains! touch but a
+hair of her head, and I . . .”
+
+Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang forward
+wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and over upon the
+knight. All was dark before him; his brain reeled; it whizzed; something
+came crashing down on his forehead. St. Waltheof and all the saints of
+the Saxon calendar protect the knight! . . .
+
+When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances were
+leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit's elixir. “We arrived here
+the day after the battle,” said the fool; “marry, I have a knack of
+that.”
+
+“Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with your
+worship,” said the lieutenant.
+
+“The day--after--the bat--” groaned Ivanhoe. “Where is the Lady Rowena?”
+
+“The castle has been taken and sacked,” the lieutenant said, and pointed
+to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of smoking ruins.
+Not a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not a single human being!
+Everything was flame and ruin, smash and murther!
+
+Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven
+men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had applied
+a second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he came to life
+again. The good knight was, however, from long practice, so accustomed
+to the severest wounds, that he bore them far more easily than common
+folk, and thus was enabled to reach York upon a litter, which his men
+constructed for him, with tolerable ease.
+
+Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel where
+he stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at Rotherwood. A
+minute or two after his horse was stabbed, and Ivanhoe knocked down, the
+western bartizan was taken by the storming-party which invested it, and
+every soul slain, except Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon
+horses and carried away, under a secure guard, to one of the King's
+castles--nobody knew whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the
+hotel-keeper (whose house he had used in former times) to reassume his
+wig and spectacles, and not call himself by his own name any more, lest
+some of the King's people should lay hands on him. However, as he had
+killed everybody round about him, there was but little danger of his
+discovery; and the Knight of the Spectacles, as he was called, went
+about York quite unmolested, and at liberty to attend to his own
+affairs.
+
+We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero's
+existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection, and
+the description of mere sentiment is considered by many well-informed
+persons to be tedious. What WERE his sentiments now, it may be asked,
+under the peculiar position in which he found himself? He had done his
+duty by Rowena, certainly: no man could say otherwise. But as for being
+in love with her any more, after what had occurred, that was a different
+question. Well, come what would, he was determined still to continue
+doing his duty by her;--but as she was whisked away the deuce knew
+whither, how could he do anything? So he resigned himself to the fact
+that she was thus whisked away.
+
+He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to find out
+where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of intelligence;
+and it was remarked, that he still remained in a perfect state of
+resignation. He remained in this condition for a year, or more; and
+it was said that he was becoming more cheerful, and he certainly was
+growing rather fat. The Knight of the Spectacles was voted an agreeable
+man in a grave way; and gave some very elegant, though quiet, parties,
+and was received in the best society of York.
+
+It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived, and
+the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney, whom we
+have mentioned as Sir Wilfrid's man of business, and a most respectable
+man, called upon his gallant client at his lodgings, and said he had a
+communication of importance to make. Having to communicate with a
+client of rank, who was condemned to be hanged for forgery, Sir Roger
+de Backbite, the attorney said, he had been to visit that party in the
+condemned cell; and on the way through the yard, and through the bars of
+another cell, had seen and recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid
+of Ivanhoe--and the lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a note,
+written on a piece of whity-brown paper.
+
+What were Ivanhoe's sensations when he recognized the handwriting of
+Rowena!--he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as follows:--
+
+
+“MY DEAREST IVANHOE,--For I am thine now as erst, and my first love was
+ever--ever dear to me. Have I been near thee dying for a whole year,
+and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena? Have ye given to
+others--I mention not their name nor their odious creed--the heart that
+ought to be mine? I send thee my forgiveness from my dying pallet of
+straw.--I forgive thee the insults I have received, the cold and hunger
+I have endured, the failing health of my boy, the bitterness of my
+prison, thy infatuation about that Jewess, which made our married life
+miserable, and which caused thee, I am sure, to go abroad to look after
+her. I forgive thee all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee farewell. Mr.
+Smith hath gained over my gaoler--he will tell thee how I may see thee.
+Come and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt care for my
+boy--HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent) combating by
+the side of ROWENA.”
+
+
+The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe was
+likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he inquired of Mr.
+Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that gentleman had devised
+for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was informed that he was to get
+a barrister's gown and wig, when the gaoler would introduce him into the
+interior of the prison. These decorations, knowing several gentlemen of
+the Northern Circuit, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with
+feelings of no small trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space
+of a year, poor Rowena had been immured.
+
+If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical
+exactness of this narrative, I refer him to the “Biographie Universelle”
+ (article Jean sans Terre), which says, “La femme d'un baron auquel on
+vint demander son fils, repondit, 'Le roi pense-t-il que je confierai
+mon fils a un homme qui a egorge son neveu de sa propre main?' Jean
+fit enlever la mere et l'enfant, et la laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les
+cachots.”
+
+I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing this
+disagreeable sentence. All her virtues, her resolution, her chaste
+energy and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and, for the first
+time since the commencement of the history, I feel that I am partially
+reconciled to her. The weary year passes--she grows weaker and more
+languid, thinner and thinner! At length Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a
+barrister of the Northern Circuit, is introduced to her cell, and finds
+his lady in the last stage of exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon,
+with her little boy in her arms. She has preserved his life at the
+expense of her own, giving him the whole of the pittance which her
+gaolers allowed her, and perishing herself of inanition.
+
+There is a scene! I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with this
+lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing her with
+so sublime a death-bed. Fancy Ivanhoe's entrance--their recognition--the
+faint blush upon her worn features--the pathetic way in which she gives
+little Cedric in charge to him, and his promises of protection.
+
+“Wilfrid, my early loved,” slowly gasped she, removing her gray hair
+from her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as he nestled
+on Ivanhoe's knee--“promise me, by St. Waltheof of Templestowe--promise
+me one boon!”
+
+“I do,” said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that
+little innocent the promise was intended to apply.
+
+“By St. Waltheof?”
+
+“By St. Waltheof!”
+
+“Promise me, then,” gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, “that you
+never will marry a Jewess?”
+
+“By St. Waltheof,” cried Ivanhoe, “this is too much, Rowena!”--But he
+felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the pale
+lips ceased to quiver--she was no more!
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+IVANHOE THE WIDOWER.
+
+
+Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in
+Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe
+quitted a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in which
+his stay was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that King John
+would hang him, if ever he could lay hands on the faithful follower of
+King Richard and Prince Arthur.
+
+But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a brave and
+pious knight. A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched field against
+the Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned infidel, or a road
+to Paradise carved out by his scimitar,--these were the height of the
+ambition of good and religious warriors; and so renowned a champion as
+Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was sure to be well received wherever blows were
+stricken for the cause of Christendom. Even among the dark Templars,
+he who had twice overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a
+respected though not a welcome guest: but among the opposition company
+of the Knights of St. John, he was admired and courted beyond measure;
+and always affectioning that Order, which offered him, indeed, its first
+rank and commanderies, he did much good service; fighting in their ranks
+for the glory of heaven and St. Waltheof, and slaying many thousands of
+the heathen in Prussia, Poland, and those savage Northern countries. The
+only fault that the great and gallant, though severe and ascetic Folko
+of Heydenbraten, the chief of the Order of St. John, found with the
+melancholy warrior, whose lance did such good service to the cause, was,
+that he did not persecute the Jews as so religious a knight should. He
+let off sundry captives of that persuasion whom he had taken with his
+sword and his spear, saved others from torture, and actually ransomed
+the two last grinders of a venerable rabbi (that Roger de Cartright,
+an English knight of the Order, was about to extort from the elderly
+Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal ring, which were all the
+property he possessed. Whenever he so ransomed or benefited one of this
+religion, he would moreover give them a little token or a message (were
+the good knight out of money), saying, “Take this token, and remember
+this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited, for the services whilome
+rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac of York!” So among
+themselves, and in their meetings and synagogues, and in their restless
+travels from land to land, when they of Jewry cursed and reviled all
+Christians, as such abominable heathens will, they nevertheless excepted
+the name of the Desdichado, or the doubly-disinherited as he now was,
+the Desdichado-Doblado.
+
+The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir
+Wilfrid took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping off
+one heathen's head with an axe must be very like the decapitation of any
+other unbeliever. Suffice it to say, that wherever this kind of work was
+to be done, and Sir Wilfrid was in the way, he was the man to perform
+it. It would astonish you were you to see the account that Wamba kept of
+his master's achievements, and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians,
+slain or maimed by his hand. And as, in those days, a reputation for
+valor had an immense effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even
+the ugliest man, were he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by
+Beauty: so Ivanhoe, who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming
+rather elderly, made conquests over female breasts as well as over
+Saracens, and had more than one direct offer of marriage made to him
+by princesses, countesses, and noble ladies possessing both charms and
+money, which they were anxious to place at the disposal of a champion so
+renowned. It is related that the Duchess Regent of Kartoffelberg offered
+him her hand, and the ducal crown of Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued
+from the unbelieving Prussians; but Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess's offer,
+by riding away from her capital secretly at midnight and hiding himself
+in a convent of Knights Hospitallers on the borders of Poland. And it
+is a fact that the Princess Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most
+lovely woman of her time, became so frantically attached to him, that
+she followed him on a campaign, and was discovered with his baggage
+disguised as a horse-boy. But no princess, no beauty, no female
+blandishments had any charms for Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more
+austere celibacy. The severity of his morals contrasted so remarkably
+with the lax and dissolute manner of the young lords and nobles in the
+courts which he frequented, that these young springalds would sometimes
+sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but his courage in the day of
+battle was so terrible and admirable, that I promise you the youthful
+libertines did not sneer THEN; and the most reckless of them often
+turned pale when they couched their lances to follow Ivanhoe. Holy
+Waltheof! it was an awful sight to see him with his pale calm face, his
+shield upon his breast, his heavy lance before him, charging a squadron
+of heathen Bohemians, or a regiment of Cossacks! Wherever he saw the
+enemy, Ivanhoe assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him, and
+said if he attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army,
+he would be slain, “And suppose I be?” he answered, giving them
+to understand that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over
+altogether.
+
+
+While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was
+carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen the
+good cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians had met
+with such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors as had never
+been known in the proudest day of Saladin.
+
+Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is known
+all over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle of Alarcos,
+gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz, on which fatal day
+Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it was feared the Spanish
+peninsula would be entirely wrested away from the dominion of the
+Cross. On that day the Franks lost 150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners.
+A man-slave sold among the unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for
+the same; a sword, half a dirhem; a horse, five dirhems. Hundreds of
+thousands of these various sorts of booty were in the possession of the
+triumphant followers of Yakoobal-Mansoor. Curses on his head! But he
+was a brave warrior, and the Christians before him seemed to forget
+that they were the descendants of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the
+Moorish hounds (in their jargon) denominated the famous Campeador.
+
+A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain--a crusade
+against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout Europe
+by all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands of valorous
+knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets and vassals of
+the lower sort, trooped from all sides to the rescue. The Straits of
+Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor, passing from Barbary, first
+planted his accursed foot on the Christian soil, were crowded with the
+galleys of the Templars and the Knights of St. John, who flung succors
+into the menaced kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed
+with their ships hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and
+Byzantium, from Jaffa and Ascalon. The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons
+and glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into
+Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia, where
+Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the news of the
+defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians, Ivanhoe landed
+at Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors forthwith.
+
+He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of
+Heydenbraten, the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the
+venerable Baldomero de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned order of
+Saint Jago. The chief of Saint Jago's knights paid the greatest respect
+to a warrior whose fame was already so widely known in Christendom; and
+Ivanhoe had the pleasure of being appointed to all the posts of danger
+and forlorn hopes that could be devised in his honor. He would be called
+up twice or thrice in a night to fight the Moors: he led ambushes,
+scaled breaches, was blown up by mines; was wounded many hundred times
+(recovering, thanks to the elixir, of which Wamba always carried a
+supply); he was the terror of the Saracens, and the admiration and
+wonder of the Christians.
+
+To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day's battle was
+like that of another. I am not writing in ten volumes like Monsieur
+Alexandre Dumas, or even in three like other great authors. We have no
+room for the recounting of Sir Wilfrid's deeds of valor. Whenever he
+took a Moorish town, it was remarked, that he went anxiously into the
+Jewish quarter, and inquired amongst the Hebrews, who were in great
+numbers in Spain, for Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac. Many Jews,
+according to his wont, he ransomed, and created so much scandal by this
+proceeding, and by the manifest favor which he showed to the people of
+that nation, that the Master of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and
+it is probable he would have been cast into the Inquisition and
+roasted, but that his prodigious valor and success against the Moors
+counterbalanced his heretical partiality for the children of Jacob.
+
+It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona
+in Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and
+slaying, with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and
+several hundred more of its unbelieving defenders. He had very nearly
+done for the Alfaqui, or governor--a veteran warrior with a crooked
+scimitar and a beard as white as snow--but a couple of hundred of the
+Alfaqui's bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe and their chief,
+and the old fellow escaped with his life, leaving a handful of his beard
+in the grasp of the English knight. The strictly military business being
+done, and such of the garrison as did not escape put, as by right, to
+the sword, the good knight, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part
+in the proceedings of the conquerors of that ill-fated place. A scene
+of horrible massacre and frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian
+warriors, hot with victory and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be
+feared, as savage in their hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies
+had been.
+
+Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious Knight of
+Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y Espelon.
+Raging through the vanquished city like a demon, he slaughtered
+indiscriminately all those infidels of both sexes whose wealth did not
+tempt him to a ransom, or whose beauty did not reserve them for more
+frightful calamities than death. The slaughter over, Don Beltran took
+up his quarters in the Albaycen, where the Alfaqui had lived who had so
+narrowly escaped the sword of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure,
+the slaves, and the family of the fugitive chieftain, were left in
+possession of the conqueror of Xixona. Among the treasures, Don Beltran
+recognized with a savage joy the coat-armors and ornaments of many brave
+and unfortunate companions-in-arms who had fallen in the fatal battle
+of Alarcos. The sight of those bloody relics added fury to his cruel
+disposition, and served to steel a heart already but little disposed to
+sentiments of mercy.
+
+Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was
+seated in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui, lying
+in his divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains playing in the
+centre, the slaves of the Moor ministering to his scarred and rugged
+Christian conqueror. Some fanned him with peacocks' pinions, some danced
+before him, some sang Moor's melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla,
+one--it was the only daughter of the Moor's old age, the young Zutulbe,
+a rosebud of beauty--sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping
+for her slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were
+blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for her
+father, whose home had been thus made desolate.
+
+He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at chess,
+a favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a messenger
+was announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for the ransom of
+the remaining part of the Alfaqui's family. A grim smile lighted up Don
+Beltran's features as he bade the black slave admit the messenger. He
+entered. By his costume it was at once seen that the bearer of the
+flag of truce was a Jew--the people were employed continually then as
+ambassadors between the two races at war in Spain.
+
+“I come,” said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid start),
+“from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible Don Beltran
+de Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor's only daughter, the
+child of his old age and the pearl of his affection.”
+
+“A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew. What does the Moorish dog bid for
+her?” asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly.
+
+“The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their
+caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and rubies to
+the amount of 1,000,000 dinars.”
+
+“Ho, slaves!” roared Don Beltran, “show the Jew my treasury of gold. How
+many hundred thousand pieces are there?” And ten enormous chests were
+produced in which the accountant counted 1,000 bags of 1,000 dirhems
+each, and displayed several caskets of jewels containing such a treasure
+of rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and jacinths, as made the eyes of the
+aged ambassador twinkle with avarice.
+
+“How many horses are there in my stable?” continued Don Beltran;
+and Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully
+caparisoned; and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for as
+many cavaliers, who followed the banner of this doughty captain.
+
+“I want neither money nor armor,” said the ferocious knight; “tell this
+to the Alfaqui, Jew. And I will keep the child, his daughter, to serve
+the messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my scullions.”
+
+“Deprive not the old man of his child,” here interposed the Knight
+of Ivanhoe; “bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant in
+years.”
+
+“She is my captive, Sir Knight,” replied the surly Don Beltran; “I will
+do with my own as becomes me.”
+
+“Take 200,000 dirhems,” cried the Jew; “more!--anything! The Alfaqui
+will give his life for his child!”
+
+“Come hither, Zutulbe!--come hither, thou Moorish pearl!” yelled
+the ferocious warrior; “come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of
+heathenesse! Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?”
+
+“There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers slew
+the Christian dogs!” said the proud young girl, looking boldly at Don
+Beltran, who foamed with rage.
+
+“The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in our
+castle of Murcia,” Beltran said.
+
+“Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!” cried the
+high-spirited girl.
+
+“By Saint Jago, this is too much!” screamed the infuriated nobleman; and
+the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden fell to the ground
+with Don Beltran's dagger in her side.
+
+“Death is better than dishonor!” cried the child, rolling on the
+blood-stained marble pavement. “I--I spit upon thee, dog of a
+Christian!” and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back and
+died.
+
+“Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui,” howled the Don, spurning the
+beauteous corpse with his foot. “I would not have ransomed her for all
+the gold in Barbary!” And shuddering, the old Jew left the apartment,
+which Ivanhoe quitted likewise.
+
+When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew, “Isaac of
+York, dost thou not know me?” and threw back his hood, and looked at the
+old man.
+
+The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand, then
+started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his withered
+hands over his face, said, with a burst of grief, “Sir Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe!--no, no!--I do not know thee!”
+
+“Holy mother! what has chanced?” said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming
+ghastly pale; “where is thy daughter--where is Rebecca?”
+
+“Away from me!” said the old Jew, tottering. “Away Rebecca is--dead!”
+
+*****
+
+When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell to
+the ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly distraught
+with grief. He took no nourishment and uttered no word. For weeks he
+did not relapse out of his moody silence, and when he came partially to
+himself again, it was to bid his people to horse, in a hollow voice, and
+to make a foray against the Moors. Day after day he issued out against
+these infidels, and did nought but slay and slay. He took no plunder
+as other knights did, but left that to his followers; he uttered no
+war-cry, as was the manner of chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch
+that the “silent knight” became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada
+and Andalusia, and more fell by his lance than by that of any the most
+clamorous captains of the troops in arms against them. Thus the tide of
+battle turned, and the Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at
+the great battle of Al Akab, called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the
+Christians retrieved their defeat at Alarcos, and absolutely killed
+half a milllion of Mahometans. Fifty thousand of these, of course, Don
+Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it was remarked that the melancholy
+warrior seemed somewhat more easy in spirits after that famous feat of
+arms.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE.
+
+
+In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off
+so many of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants poured
+continual reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could make no
+head against the Christian forces, and in fact came into battle quite
+discouraged at the notion of meeting the dreadful silent knight. It was
+commonly believed amongst them, that the famous Malek Ric, Richard
+of England, the conqueror of Saladin, had come to life again, and was
+battling in the Spanish hosts--that this, his second life, was a
+charmed one, and his body inaccessible to blow of scimitar or thrust of
+spear--that after battle he ate the hearts and drank the blood of
+many young Moors for his supper: a thousand wild legends were told of
+Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the Morisco warriors came half vanquished into
+the field, and fell an easy prey to the Spaniards, who cut away among
+them without mercy. And although none of the Spanish historians whom
+I have consulted make mention of Sir Wilfrid as the real author of the
+numerous triumphs which now graced the arms of the good cause, this is
+not in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that has always been
+notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their debts of
+gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes histories
+of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making the
+slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the part
+taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction. Well, it must be confessed,
+on the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers' feats in those
+campaigns: but this is not the subject at present under consideration.
+
+To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers, that
+the monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily enabled to
+besiege the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which the Moors had in
+his dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of those infidels
+under the command of their King Aboo Abdallah Mahommed, son of
+Yakoobal-Mansoor. The Arabian historian El Makary gives a full account
+of the military precautions taken by Aboo Abdallah to defend his city;
+but as I do not wish to make a parade of my learning, or to write a
+costume novel, I shall pretermit any description of the city under its
+Moorish governors.
+
+Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls great
+store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always protected by the
+Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and who were, as we very
+well know, the chief physicians, the chief bankers, the chief statesmen,
+the chief artists and musicians, the chief everything, under the Moorish
+kings. Thus it is not surprising that the Hebrews, having their money,
+their liberty, their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan
+domination, should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath
+which they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits.
+
+Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite--no
+other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with
+his daughter, soon after Ivanhoe's marriage, in the third volume of the
+first part of this history. Isaac was respected by his people for
+the money which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable good
+qualities, her beauty, her charities, and her remarkable medical skill.
+
+The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that though
+she was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to marry her,
+and install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of York would not
+have objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages were not uncommon
+between the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but Rebecca firmly yet
+respectfully declined the proposals of the prince, saying that it was
+impossible she should unite herself with a man of a creed different to
+her own.
+
+Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this
+chance of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed
+among his people for a very strict character, and there were in his
+family several rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct, the
+old gentleman was silenced by this objection of Rebecca's, and the young
+lady herself applauded by her relatives for her resolute behavior. She
+took their congratulations in a very frigid manner, and said that it was
+her wish not to marry at all, but to devote herself to the practice of
+medicine altogether, and to helping the sick and needy of her people.
+Indeed, although she did not go to any public meetings, she was as
+benevolent a creature as the world ever saw: the poor blessed her
+wherever they knew her, and many benefited by her who guessed not whence
+her gentle bounty came.
+
+But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even heard,
+appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of both, that all
+the most desirable bachelors of the people were ready to bid for her.
+Ambassadors came from all quarters to propose for her. Her own uncle,
+the venerable Ben Solomons, with a beard as long as a cashmere goat's,
+and a reputation for learning and piety which still lives in his nation,
+quarrelled with his son Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of
+Trebizond, and his son Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each
+putting in a claim for their cousin. Ben Minories came from London
+and knelt at her feet; Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to
+dazzle her with the latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben
+Jonah brought her a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come
+back and be Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague.
+
+Rebecca temporized as best she might. She thought her uncle was too old.
+She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel with each other,
+and offend their father by pressing their suit. Ben Minories from
+London, she said, was too young, and Jochanan from Paris, she pointed
+out to Isaac of York, must be a spendthrift, or he would not wear those
+absurd waistcoats. As for Ben Jonah, she said, she could not bear the
+notion of tobacco and Dutch herrings: she wished to stay with her papa,
+her dear papa. In fine, she invented a thousand excuses for delay, and
+it was plain that marriage was odious to her. The only man whom she
+received with anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with
+whom she was very familiar. But Bevis had come to her with a certain
+token that had been given to him by an English knight, who saved him
+from a fagot to which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten
+was about to condemn him. It was but a ring, with an emerald in it, that
+Bevis knew to be sham, and not worth a groat. Rebecca knew about the
+value of jewels too; but ah! she valued this one more than all the
+diamonds in Prester John's turban. She kissed it; she cried over it;
+she wore it in her bosom always and when she knelt down at night and
+morning, she held it between her folded hands on her neck. . . . Young
+Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than the others; the rascal
+sold to the King of France a handsome ruby, the very size of the bit of
+glass in Rebecca's ring; but he always said he would rather have had her
+than ten thousand pounds: and very likely he would, for it was known she
+would at once have a plum to her fortune.
+
+These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great
+family meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered to
+choose a husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts pointing
+out the great kindness which had been shown to her by her father,
+in permitting her to choose for herself. One aunt was of the Solomon
+faction, another aunt took Simeon's side, a third most venerable old
+lady--the head of the family, and a hundred and forty-four years of
+age--was ready to pronounce a curse upon her, and cast her out, unless
+she married before the month was over. All the jewelled heads of all the
+old ladies in council, all the beards of all the family, wagged against
+her: it must have been an awful sight to witness.
+
+At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak. “Kinsmen!” she said, turning
+pale, “when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I told you I
+would not wed but with one of my own faith.”
+
+“She has turned Turk,” screamed out the ladies. “She wants to be a
+princess, and has turned Turk,” roared the rabbis.
+
+“Well, well,” said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, “let us hear what
+the poor girl has got to say. Do you want to marry his royal highness,
+Rebecca? Say the word, yes or no.”
+
+Another groan burst from the rabbis--they cried, shrieked, chattered,
+gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the women, that she
+should reign over them a second Esther.
+
+“Silence,” cried out Isaac; “let the girl speak. Speak boldly, Rebecca
+dear, there's a good girl.”
+
+Rebecca was as pale as a stone. She folded her arms on her breast, and
+felt the ring there. She looked round all the assembly, and then at
+Isaac. “Father,” she said, in a thrilling low steady voice, “I am not of
+your religion--I am not of the Prince Boabdil's religion--I--I am of HIS
+religion.”
+
+“His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?” cried Isaac.
+
+Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round with
+dauntless eyes. “Of his,” she said, “who saved my life and your honor:
+of my dear, dear champion's. I never can be his, but I will be no
+other's. Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they long for. Take the
+dross, Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan, and divide it among you,
+and leave me. I will never be yours, I tell you, never. Do you think,
+after knowing him and hearing him speak,--after watching him wounded on
+his pillow, and glorious in battle” (her eyes melted and kindled again
+as she spoke these words), “I can mate with such as you? Go. Leave me
+to myself. I am none of yours. I love him--I love him. Fate divides
+us--long, long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again.
+But I love and bless him always. Yes, always. My prayers are his; my
+faith is his. Yes, my faith is your faith, Wilfrid--Wilfrid! I have no
+kindred more,--I am a Christian!”
+
+At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my feeble pen
+would in vain endeavor to depict. Old Isaac staggered back in a fit,
+and nobody took the least notice of him. Groans, curses, yells of men,
+shrieks of women, filled the room with such a furious jabbering, as
+might have appalled any heart less stout than Rebecca's; but that brave
+woman was prepared for all; expecting, and perhaps hoping, that death
+would be her instant lot. There was but one creature who pitied her, and
+that was her cousin and father's clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but
+thirteen, and had only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and
+boo-hooing, as she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and
+maledictions of the elder Israelites. Ben Davids was madly in love with
+his cousin (as boys often are with ladies of twice their age), and he
+had presence of mind suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp on the
+table, which illuminated the angry conclave; then, whispering to Rebecca
+to go up to her own room and lock herself in, or they would kill her
+else, he took her hand and led her out.
+
+From that day she disappeared from among her people. The poor and the
+wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain. Had any violence been
+done to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put all Isaac's family
+to death; and besides, her old flame, Prince Boabdil, would have also
+been exceedingly wrathful. She was not killed then, but, so to speak,
+buried alive, and locked up in Isaac's back-kitchen: an apartment into
+which scarcely any light entered, and where she was fed upon scanty
+portions of the most mouldy bread and water. Little Ben Davids was the
+only person who visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to
+him about Ivanhoe, and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how
+true; and how he slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and how
+he married a lady whom Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him, but with
+whom she prayed he might be happy; and of what color his eyes were, and
+what were the arms on his shield--viz, a tree with the word “Desdichado”
+ written underneath, &c. &c. &c.: all which talk would not have
+interested little Davids, had it come from anybody else's mouth, but to
+which he never tired of listening as it fell from her sweet lips.
+
+So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don Beltran
+de Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui's daughter of Xixona, our
+dearest Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it was in his rage
+and fury against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that cavalier the falsehood
+which caused the knight so much pain and such a prodigious deal of
+bloodshed to the Moors: and who knows, trivial as it may seem, whether
+it was not that very circumstance which caused the destruction in Spain
+of the Moorish power?
+
+Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that Ivanhoe
+had cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it from his
+employer; and he saved Rebecca's life by communicating the intelligence,
+for the poor thing would have infallibly perished but for this good
+news. She had now been in prison four years three months and twenty-four
+days, during which time she had partaken of nothing but bread and water
+(except such occasional tit-bits as Davids could bring her--and these
+were few indeed; for old Isaac was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had
+more than a pair of eggs for his own and Davids' dinner); and she was
+languishing away, when the news came suddenly to revive her. Then,
+though in the darkness you could not see her cheeks, they began to
+bloom again: then her heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and
+she kissed the ring on her neck a thousand times a day at least; and
+her constant question was, “Ben Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to
+besiege Valencia?” She knew he would come: and, indeed, the Christians
+were encamped before the town ere a month was over.
+
+*****
+
+And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that
+dark scene of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat, painted
+stone-color, that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of light flashing
+out, as though they were preparing a most brilliant, gorgeous, and
+altogether dazzling illumination, with effects never before attempted on
+any stage. Yes, the fairy in the pretty pink tights and spangled
+muslin is getting into the brilliant revolving chariot of the realms of
+bliss.--Yes, most of the fiddlers and trumpeters have gone round from
+the orchestra to join in the grand triumphal procession, where the whole
+strength of the company is already assembled, arrayed in costumes of
+Moorish and Christian chivalry, to celebrate the “Terrible Escalade,”
+ the “Rescue of Virtuous Innocence”--the “Grand Entry of the Christians
+into Valencia”--“Appearance of the Fairy Day-Star,” and “Unexampled
+displays of pyrotechnic festivity.” Do you not, I say, perceive that we
+are come to the end of our history; and, after a quantity of rapid and
+terrific fighting, brilliant change of scenery, and songs, appropriate
+or otherwise, are bringing our hero and heroine together? Who wants a
+long scene at the last? Mammas are putting the girls' cloaks and boas
+on; papas have gone out to look for the carriage, and left the
+box-door swinging open, and letting in the cold air: if there WERE any
+stage-conversation, you could not hear it, for the scuffling of the
+people who are leaving the pit. See, the orange-women are preparing to
+retire. To-morrow their play-bills will be as so much waste-paper--so
+will some of our masterpieces, woe is me: but lo! here we come to Scene
+the last, and Valencia is besieged and captured by the Christians.
+
+
+Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard of
+the Prophet? Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d'ye-call'im,
+just as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de Cuchillay &c.?
+Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks of the inhabitants
+who are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and by a little boy by the
+name of Ben Davids, who recognizes the knight by his shield, finds Isaac
+of York egorge on a threshold, and clasping a large back-kitchen key?
+Who but Ivanhoe--who but Wilfrid? “An Ivanhoe to the rescue,” he bellows
+out; he has heard that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing.
+And who is it that comes out of the house--trembling--panting--with
+her arms out--in a white dress--with her hair down--who is it but dear
+Rebecca? Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving an immense
+banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with a ham, which
+he happens to have in his pocket. . . . As for Rebecca, now her head
+is laid upon Ivanhoe's heart, I shall not ask to hear what she is
+whispering, or describe further that scene of meeting; though I declare
+I am quite affected when I think of it. Indeed I have thought of it
+any time these five-and-twenty years--ever since, as a boy at school, I
+commenced the noble study of novels--ever since the day when, lying on
+sunny slopes of half-holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and beautiful
+shapes of knights and ladies were visible to me--ever since I grew to
+love Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet's fancy, and longed to
+see her righted.
+
+That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena's
+promise extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess, and a
+better Christian than Rebecca now was never said her catechism. Married
+I am sure they were, and adopted little Cedric; but I don't think they
+had any other children, or were subsequently very boisterously happy. Of
+some sort of happiness melancholy is a characteristic, and I think these
+were a solemn pair, and died rather early.
+
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
+
+[FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular than
+those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of France was
+battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal claims, merits,
+bravery, and popularity. First in the list we place--His Royal Highness
+Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son
+of Louis XVI. The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate
+parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that place of
+confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the ruffians who guarded
+him had caused the young Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the
+cocked-hat of the Representative, Roederer. It is well known that,
+in the troublous revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a
+considerable size.
+
+He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined there
+for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping thence
+to England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from political
+hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not be
+confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim to be children
+of the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution.
+
+The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. In the year 1843
+he held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a forgotten
+district of London, called Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France
+flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant of
+the throne; and some of the chiefs of the British nobility--among whom
+may be reckoned the celebrated and chivalrous Duke of Jenkins--aided the
+adventurous young Prince with their counsels, their wealth, and their
+valor.
+
+The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas
+Napoleon--a fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some
+to be a Prince of the House of Gomersal. He argued justly that, as the
+immediate relatives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete
+for the crown which was their right, he, Prince John Thomas, being next
+in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the vacant imperial throne. And
+in support of his claim, he appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and
+the strength of his good sword.
+
+His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious
+wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired
+to wrest from him. It does not appear that the sagacious monarch was
+esteemed by his subjects, as such a prince should have been esteemed.
+The light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary than
+otherwise of his sway. They were not in the least attached to his
+amiable family, for whom his Majesty with characteristic thrift had
+endeavored to procure satisfactory allowances. And the leading statesmen
+of the country, whom his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of
+entertaining any but feelings of loyalty towards his house and person.
+
+It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe (now
+nearly a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns, was called
+upon to defend his crown.
+
+The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and
+twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each--provisioned for a
+considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were,
+upon the palace of the Tuileries. Thus, should the mob attack it, as in
+August 1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in
+an hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign invasion.
+Another defence against the foreigners was the state of the roads. Since
+the English companies had retired, half a mile only of railroad had been
+completed in France, and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe
+now are, to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye'd to
+death before they could have marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the
+Alpine, or the Pyrenean frontier upon the capital of France. The French
+people, however, were indignant at this defect of communication in their
+territory, and said, without the least show of reason, that they would
+have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions
+of francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should have
+been laid out in a more peaceful manner. However, behind his forts, the
+King lay secure.
+
+As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the strange
+events of the period, the actions, the passions of individuals and
+parties engaged, we cannot better describe them than by referring to
+contemporary documents, of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the
+present day to read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal des
+Debats the accounts of the strange scenes which took place.
+
+The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court of the Tuileries had
+been extremely gay. The three-and-twenty youngest Princes of England,
+sons of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence;
+the Emperor of Russia and family had paid their accustomed visit; and
+the King of the Belgians had, as usual, made his visit to his royal
+father-in-law, under pretence of duty and pleasure, but really to demand
+payment of the Queen of the Belgians' dowry, which Louis Philippe of
+Orleans still resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought that
+in the midst of such festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of
+such quiet, rebellion?
+
+Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this
+repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to the
+throne of Louis XVI.
+
+But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same journal
+contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious import; in
+which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was easy to see the
+Government alarm.
+
+On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a
+paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so
+absurd did its contents seem. It ran as follows:--
+
+“ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.! A letter from Calais tells us that a strange
+personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we believe) has been
+giving himself out to be the son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is
+the twenty-fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his
+father was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his pretensions, the
+poor creature is said to be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one
+or two old women, who declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he
+does not make any attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but
+waits until heaven shall conduct him to it.
+
+“If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his quarters
+in the palace of Charenton.
+
+“We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been afloat
+(among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the metropolis),
+that a notorious personage--why should we hesitate to mention the name
+of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?--has entered France with culpable
+intentions, and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of this morning,
+however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A pretender is on our shores;
+an armed assassin is threatening our peaceful liberties; a wandering,
+homeless cut-throat is robbing on our highways; and the punishment of
+his crime awaits him. Let no considerations of the past defer that just
+punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to provide for THE FUTURE.
+Let the full powers of the law be brought against him, aided by the
+stern justice of the public force. Let him be tracked, like a wild
+beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has,
+ere this, been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been
+distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale-houses and
+peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which he lurks); and
+the Police have an easy means of tracking his footsteps.
+
+“Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the unfortunate
+young man. His attempt will only serve to show the folly of the
+pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity, admiration,
+reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which we hold our
+beloved sovereign.”
+
+
+“SECOND EDITION!
+
+“CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE.
+
+“A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that after
+a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 'Imperial Army,' in a
+water-barrel, whither the latter had retreated, victory has remained
+with the former. A desperate combat ensued in the first place, in a
+hay-loft, whence the pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now
+a prisoner--and we dread to think what his fate may be! It will warn
+future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson which it is not likely to
+forget. Above all, it will set beyond a doubt the regard, respect,
+admiration, reverence, and adoration which we all feel for our
+sovereign.”
+
+
+“THIRD EDITION.
+
+“A second courier has arrived. The infatuated Crane has made common
+cause with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of Frenchmen.
+A detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit of the pretender
+and his dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer! Remember that it is our
+rights you guard, our homes which you march to defend; our laws which
+are confided to the points of your unsullied bayonets;--above all, our
+dear, dear sovereign, around whose throne you rally!
+
+“Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th, remember your watchword is
+Gemappes,--your countersign, Valmy.”
+
+
+“The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the
+Tuileries this day. His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the King
+of the French with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their RR. HH.
+the Princes of Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of the Order of
+the Blue Eagle.”
+
+
+“His Majesty passed a review of the Police force. The venerable monarch
+was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and disinterested
+body of men. Those cheers were echoed in all French hearts. Long, long
+may our beloved Prince be among us to receive them!”
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III.
+
+
+Sunday, February 30th.
+
+We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a third
+pretender to the throne:--
+
+“Is this distracted country never to have peace? While on Friday we
+recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of France;
+while on Saturday we were compelled to register the culpable attempts
+of one whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar,
+and common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of Frenchmen--it
+is to-day our painful duty to announce a THIRD invasion--yes, a third
+invasion. The wretched, superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has
+landed at Nantz, and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount
+the white cockade.
+
+“Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor? Do we not repose under
+the majestic shadow of the best of kings? Is there any name prouder than
+that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign?
+Does not the whole French family adore their father? Yes. Our lives, our
+hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his disposal: it was not in vain
+that we raised, it is not the first time we have rallied round, the
+august throne of July. The unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by
+this time; and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge one
+infamous traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another.
+Away with both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal
+to his race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the other
+pretender. Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the
+manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged!
+
+“One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the
+descendant of Caroline of Naples. An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous! An
+English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still dancing in
+our royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion end?”
+
+
+“The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police. The usual
+heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked younger than
+ever we saw him--ay, as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at
+Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes.
+
+“Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were distributed
+to all the men.
+
+“The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three
+coaches-and-four. They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of
+Honor. This is significant.”
+
+
+“The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the departments
+of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the command of the
+troops. The Joinville regiment--Cavalerie de la Marine--is one of the
+finest in the service.”
+
+
+“Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself Duke
+of Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the Pas de
+Calais.”
+
+
+“ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.--At the review of troops (Police) yesterday,
+his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling him by the ear,
+said, 'Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of wine?' The old hero,
+smiling archly, answered, 'Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any day
+of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a drink of wine.' We
+need not say that he had his drink, and the generous sovereign sent him
+the cross and ribbon too.”
+
+
+On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a
+despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the throne.
+In spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears
+from the following remarks of the Debats:--
+
+“The courier from the Rhine department,” says the Debats, “brings us the
+following astounding Proclamation:--
+
+“'Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one and
+indivisible. We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of the
+Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals, generals,
+officers, and soldiers, greeting:
+
+“'Soldiers!
+
+“'From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon you.
+The sun of Austerlitz has risen once more. The Guard dies, but never
+surrenders. My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop
+till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame.
+
+“'Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile. I have
+seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now withering, and I
+have communed with the dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are
+our children? Where is France? Europe no longer glitters with the
+shine of its triumphant bayonets--echoes no more with the shouts of
+its victorious cannon. Who could reply to such a question save with a
+blush?--And does a blush become the cheeks of Frenchmen?
+
+“'No. Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame. Come,
+as of old, and rally round my eagles! You have been subject to fiddling
+prudence long enough. Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have
+been promised liberty, but you have had none. I will endow you with the
+true, the real freedom. When your ancestors burst over the Alps, were
+they not free? Yes; free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of
+those indomitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once
+more trample over her; march in triumph into her prostrate capitals,
+and bring her kings with her treasures at our feet. This is the liberty
+worthy of Frenchmen.
+
+“'Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you; and
+that England shall rank no more among the nations. I will have a marine
+that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my brave regiments
+will do the rest. Henceforth, the traveller in that desert island shall
+ask, “Was it this wretched corner of the world that for a thousand years
+defied Frenchmen?”
+
+“'Frenchmen, up and rally!--I have flung my banner to the breezes; 'tis
+surrounded by the faithful and the brave. Up, and let our motto be,
+LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL OVER THE WORLD!
+
+“'NAPOLEON III.
+
+“'The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.'
+
+
+“Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and
+bloody adventurer holds out to our country. 'War all over the world,' is
+the cry of the savage demon; and the fiends who have rallied round him
+echo it in concert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a
+corporal's guard had been sufficient to seize upon the marauder, when
+the first fire would have served to conclude his miserable life. But,
+like a hideous disease, the contagion has spread; the remedy must be
+dreadful. Woe to those on whom it will fall!
+
+“His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has
+hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and takes
+with him his Cavalerie de la Marine. It is hard to think that the blades
+of those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen:
+but so be it: it is those monsters who have asked for blood, not we. It
+is those ruffians who have begun the quarrel, not we. WE remain calm
+and hopeful, reposing under the protection of the dearest and best of
+sovereigns.
+
+“The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has been
+seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the Prefect of
+Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has
+been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all incendiary
+enemies of our Government be overcome!
+
+“His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department
+of the Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in
+the disturbed districts of the Bocage and La Vendee. The foolish young
+Prince, who has there raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by
+a small number of wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every
+moment to receive the news. He too has issued his Proclamation, and our
+readers will smile at its contents:
+
+
+“'WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all whom
+it may concern, greeting:
+
+“'After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the banner
+of the lilies. Once more the white plume of Henri IV. floats in the
+crest of his little son (petit fils)! Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses!
+honest commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the oriflamme
+of France, and summon the ban arriereban of my kingdoms. To my faithful
+Bretons I need not appeal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for
+an heirloom! To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects,
+their father makes one last appeal. Come to me, my children! your errors
+shall be forgiven. Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you.
+He promised it when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed
+his inviolable toe!
+
+“'Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The infamous
+universities shall be abolished. Education shall no longer be permitted.
+A sacred and wholesome inquisition shall be established. My faithful
+nobles shall pay no more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our
+country shall be restored as they existed before 1788. Convents and
+monasteries again shall ornament our country, the calm nurseries
+of saints and holy women! Heresy shall be extirpated with paternal
+severity, and our country shall be free once more.
+
+“'His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under the
+command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty's youngest son,
+an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace
+the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of Tuam, blessed their green
+banner before they set forth. Henceforth may the lilies and the harp
+be ever twined together. Together we will make a crusade against the
+infidels of Albion, and raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our
+cry be, Vive la France! down with England! Montjoie St. Denis!
+
+“'BY THE KING.
+
+“'The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE. The
+Marshal of France. . . POMADOUR DE L'AILE DE PIGEON. The General
+Commander-in-Chief of the Irish Brigade in the service of his Most
+Christian Majesty. . . DANIEL, PRINCE OF BALLYBUNION.
+
+'HENRI.”'
+
+
+“His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a council
+of Ministers in the afternoon. Measures were concerted for the instant
+putting down of the disturbances in the departments of the Rhine and
+Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the pretenders, they
+shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxembourg: the
+apartments are already prepared, and the officers at their posts.
+
+“The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the
+diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being attacked
+with illness, which compels them to stay at home.”
+
+
+“The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments.”
+
+
+“His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the Tuileries.”
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS.--HISTORICAL REVIEW.
+
+
+We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a few
+comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely described in the
+print from which we have quoted.
+
+It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were of a
+serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two pretenders to
+the crown were considerable. They had their supporters too in Paris--as
+what party indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne was
+in a state of considerable anxiety, and found his declining years by no
+means so comfortable as his virtues and great age might have warranted.
+
+His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate
+reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, now
+sprung up around him in vast numbers. The King's grandson, the Prince
+Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen-Schloppen, was
+the father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with pensions
+by the State. His brother, the Count D'Eu, was similarly blessed with
+a multitudinous offspring. The Duke of Nemours had no children; but the
+Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Princesses
+Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess of the United States
+of America, erected into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor
+Duff Green I.) were the happy fathers of immense families--all liberally
+apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely subservient to
+his Majesty Louis Philippe.
+
+The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the first
+instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his Highness
+Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of Joinville was adored by the nation, on
+account of his famous victory over the English fleet under the command
+of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the “Richard Cobden,” of 120
+guns, was taken by the “Belle-Poule” frigate of 36; on which occasion
+forty-five other ships of war and 79 steam-frigates struck their colors
+to about one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The
+victory was mainly owing to the gallantry of the celebrated French
+horse-marines, who executed several brilliant charges under the orders
+of the intrepid Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their
+ordinary modesty, claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of
+that nation were present in the action, impartial history must award the
+palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul.
+
+With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude of
+the admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should ensue, and
+fling them on the world once more. How could he support so numerous a
+family? Considerable as his wealth was (for he was known to have amassed
+about a hundred and thirteen billions, which were lying in the caves
+of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite insignificant, when divided
+among his progeny; and, besides, he naturally preferred getting from the
+nation as much as his faithful people could possibly afford.
+
+Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied, is
+often more efficacious than the conqueror's sword, the King's Ministers
+were anxious that he should devote a part of his savings to the carrying
+on of the war. But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined
+this offer; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his faithful
+people, who, he was sure, would meet, as became them, the coming
+exigency. The Chambers met his appeal with their usual devotion. At a
+solemn convocation of those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by
+his family, explained the circumstances and the danger. His Majesty,
+his family, his Ministers, and the two Chambers, then burst into tears,
+according to immemorial usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling,
+swore eternal fidelity to the dynasty and to France, and embraced each
+other affectingly all round.
+
+It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred
+Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas
+Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and
+fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,) similarly
+quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux. They
+were followed, according to their several political predilections, by
+the various Ministers and dignitaries of the State. The only Minister
+who remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had
+defeated the English in the very field where they had obtained formerly
+a success, though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish
+Brigade); but age had ruined the health and diminished the immense
+strength of that gigantic leader, and it is said his only reason for
+remaining in Paris was because a fit of the gout kept him in bed.
+
+The capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and cafes were open as
+usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm: confiding in
+their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing
+to fear.
+
+Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to conciliate
+his people. He even went among them with his umbrella; but they were
+little touched with that mark of confidence. He shook hands with
+everybody; he distributed crosses of the Legion of Honor in such
+multitudes, that red ribbon rose two hundred per cent in the market (by
+which his Majesty, who speculated in the article, cleared a tolerable
+sum of money). But these blandishments and honors had little effect
+upon an apathetic people; and the enemy of the Orleans dynasty, the
+fashionable young nobles of the Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves
+perpetually, for fear (they said) that they should be obliged to shake
+hands with the best of kings; while the republicans adopted coats
+without button-holes, lest they should be forced to hang red ribbons in
+them. The funds did not fluctuate in the least.
+
+The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect. The
+young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places of public
+education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon, “Liberty,
+equality, war all over the world!” flocked to his standard in
+considerable numbers: while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer
+their allegiance to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis.
+
+And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that
+collected round the gallant Prince Henry! There was not a man in his
+army but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at morning and
+evening parade. The fantastic and effeminate but brave and faithful
+troops were numbered off into different legions: there was the
+Fleur-d'Orange regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the Violet-Pomatum
+volunteers; the Eau-de-Cologne cavalry--according to the different
+scents which they affected. Most of the warriors wore lace ruffles; all
+powder and pigtails, as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy
+dragoons under the command of Count Alfred de Horsay made themselves
+conspicuous for their discipline, cruelty, and the admirable cut of
+their coats; and with these celebrated horsemen came from England the
+illustrious Duke of Jenkins with his superb footmen. They were all six
+feet high. They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers: they wore
+bags, their hair slightly powdered, brilliant shoulder-knots, and
+cocked-hats laced with gold. They wore the tight knee-pantaloon of
+velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British infantry: and their
+legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux, embracing with tears
+their admirable leader on parade, said, “Jenkins, France never saw such
+calves until now.” The weapon of this tremendous militia was an immense
+club or cane, reaching from the sole of the foot to the nose, and
+heavily mounted with gold. Nothing could stand before this terrific
+weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed morions of the French
+cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath them, had they
+ever met in mortal combat. Between this part of the Prince's forces and
+the Irish auxiliaries there was a deadly animosity. Alas, there always
+is such in camps! The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the
+children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway.
+
+The uniform of the latter was various--the rich stuff called
+corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower
+habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them
+tail-coats. The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at the
+elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of button,
+tape, and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the alpeen, and
+the doodeen of the country--the latter a short but dreadful weapon of
+offence. At the demise of the venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had
+laid aside its habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened
+their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit. Thus do men ever
+return to the haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory
+over us! The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an
+effeminate race; they are represented by contemporary historians as
+being passionately fond of FLYING KITES. Others say they went into
+battle armed with “bills,” no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated that
+foreigners could never be got to accept them in lieu of their own arms.
+The Princes of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by the side of
+their young and royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son
+of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald Isle.
+
+     * Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on
+     which the French cavalry were mounted?
+
+Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the republican
+imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies, were marching
+on the French capital. The Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the
+lunatic asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his
+captivity, which caused only derision in the capital. Such was the state
+of the empire, and such the clouds that were gathering round the Sun of
+Orleans!
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS.
+
+
+It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo misfortunes;
+and now, as then, he met them like a man. The Prince of Joinville was
+not successful in his campaign against the Imperial Pretender: and that
+bravery which had put the British fleet to flight, was found, as might
+be expected, insufficient against the irresistible courage of native
+Frenchmen. The Horse Marines, not being on their own element, could not
+act with their usual effect. Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling
+seas, they were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne
+country.
+
+It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between the
+troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for both armies
+had reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought underneath the
+walls. For some time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville,
+entrenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs. Ruinart, Moet, and
+others; but making too free with the fascinating liquor, the army at
+length became entirely drunk: on which the Imperialists, rushing into
+the cellars, had an easy victory over them; and, this done, proceeded to
+intoxicate themselves likewise.
+
+The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was compelled
+with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and Prince Napoleon
+remained master of the field of battle. It is needless to recapitulate
+the bulletin which he published the day after the occasion, so soon as
+he and his secretaries were in a condition to write: eagles, pyramids,
+rainbows, the sun of Austerlitz, &c., figured in the proclamation, in
+close imitation of his illustrious uncle. But the great benefit of the
+action was this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers
+of Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army,
+and made common cause with them.
+
+“Soldiers!” said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after the
+action, “the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the Eagle!
+Your colors are not changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow--yours
+on the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious. Soldiers of
+Joinville! we give you welcome, as we would welcome your illustrious
+leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion. Let him join us! We will
+march together against that perfidious enemy.
+
+“But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday's glorious
+day! Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of our native
+Champagne. Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge
+into dissipation, that we have Rome still to conquer!
+
+“Soldiers! Seltzer-water is good after too much drink. Wait awhile, and
+your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it
+lies BEYOND THE RHINE!”
+
+Deafening shouts of “Vive l'Empereur!” saluted this allusion of the
+Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be restored
+to them. The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville
+likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince's cause. The
+Journal des Debats did not know which way to turn. In one paragraph it
+called the Emperor “a sanguinary tyrant, murderer, and pickpocket;” in a
+second it owned he was “a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;”
+ and, after proclaiming “the brilliant victory of the Prince of
+Joinville,” presently denominated it a “funeste journee.”
+
+The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to march on
+Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and requested to be
+paid for 300,000 bottles of wine. “Send three hundred thousand more to
+the Tuileries,” said the Prince, sternly: “our soldiers will be thirsty
+when they reach Paris.” And taking Moet with him as a hostage, and
+promising Ruinart that he would have him shot unless he obeyed, with
+trumpets playing and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial
+army marched on their triumphant way.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE BATTLE OF TOURS.
+
+
+We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours against
+his advancing cousin, Henry V. His Royal Highness could not march
+against the enemy with such a force as he would have desired to bring
+against them; for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast amount
+of property he had stowed away under the Tuileries, refused to allow
+a single soldier to quit the forts round the capital, which thus
+was defended by one hundred and forty-four thousand guns
+(eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred and thirty-two thousand
+men:--little enough, when one considers that there were but three men
+to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a population of double the
+amount within the walls, his Majesty caused the country to be scoured
+for fifty miles round, and left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass.
+When appealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered district, the
+royal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart bled for
+them--that they were his children--that every cow taken from the meanest
+peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that duty must be
+done, that the interests of the country demanded the sacrifice, and
+that in fact, they might go to the deuce. This the unfortunate creatures
+certainly did.
+
+The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The Journal des Debats
+stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the Chambers sat--such
+as remained--and talked immensely about honor, dignity, and the glorious
+revolution of July; and the King, as his power was now pretty nigh
+absolute over them, thought this a good opportunity to bring in a bill
+for doubling his children's allowances all round.
+
+Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there
+was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support his
+famished troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to ransack the
+next fifty miles in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops
+were not such as they should have been, considering the enemy with whom
+they had to engage.
+
+The fact is, that most of the Duke's army consisted of the National
+Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of “LA PATRIE EN
+DANGER” having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted
+by his Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of
+food-consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that he
+selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to send
+forth against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers, the
+lawyers, &c. Their parting with their families was very affecting. They
+would have been very willing to recall their offer of marching, but
+companies of stern veterans closing round them, marched them to the
+city gates, which were closed upon them; and thus perforce they were
+compelled to move on. As long as he had a bottle of brandy and a couple
+of sausages in his holsters, the General of the National Guard, Odillon
+Barrot, talked with tremendous courage. Such was the power of his
+eloquence over the troops, that, could he have come up with the enemy
+while his victuals lasted, the issue of the combat might have been very
+different. But in the course of the first day's march he finished
+both the sausages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent, and
+crest-fallen.
+
+It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver Loire,
+that the armies sat down before each other, and the battle was to take
+place which had such an effect upon the fortunes of France. 'Twas a
+brisk day of March: the practised valor of Nemours showed him at once
+what use to make of the army under his orders, and having enfiladed
+his National Guard battalions, and placed his artillery in echelons,
+he formed his cavalry into hollow squares on the right and left of
+his line, flinging out a cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the
+main column. His veteran infantry he formed behind his National
+Guard--politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who wished to retire under
+pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that the regular troops would
+bayonet the National Guard if they gave way an inch: on which their
+General, turning very pale, demurely went back to his post. His men were
+dreadfully discouraged; they had slept on the ground all night; they
+regretted their homes and their comfortable nightcaps in the Rue St.
+Honore: they had luckily fallen in with a flock of sheep and a drove
+of oxen at Tours the day before; but what were these, compared to the
+delicacies of Chevet's or three courses at Vefour's? They mournfully
+cooked their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a most
+wretched night.
+
+The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part in
+better order. The noble cavalry regiments found a village in which they
+made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins's Foot taking possession of
+the kitchens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish Brigade, accustomed
+to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato fields, where they sang
+Moore's melodies all night. There were, besides the troops regular and
+irregular, about three thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed
+with scourging-whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these
+reverend men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the
+operations of the regular forces.
+
+It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see the
+alacrity with which Jenkins's regiment sprung up at the FIRST reveille
+of the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices almost
+menial for the benefit of their French allies. The Duke himself set the
+example, and blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half-past ten,
+after coffee, the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were ready; their
+clarions rung to horse, their banners were given to the wind, their
+shirt-collars were exquisitely starched, and the whole air was scented
+with the odors of their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs.
+
+Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri. “My faithful
+Duke!” said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot, “thou art
+always at THY POST.” “Here, as in Wellington Street, sire,” said
+the hero, blushing. And the Prince made an appropriate speech to his
+chivalry, in which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard
+and Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not spared. “Ho!
+standard-bearer!” the Prince concluded, “fling out my oriflamme. Noble
+gents of France, your King is among you to-day!”
+
+Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking
+whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara,
+“Prince,” he said, “the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the French
+history--we will not deprive you of the honor of winning this. You will
+please to commence the attack with your brigade.” Bending his head until
+the green plumes of his beaver mingled with the mane of the Shetland
+pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland trotted off with his
+aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses, powerful grays, with which a
+dealer at Nantz had supplied them on their and the Prince's joint bill
+at three months.
+
+The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in
+their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their beloved
+Prince. Their toilet was the work of a moment--a single shake and it
+was done. Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their
+Generals,--who, turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely
+determined to fight on foot. Behind them came the line of British
+foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in advance perfectly
+collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar. The cavalry were on the right
+and left of the infantry, prepared to act in pontoon, in echelon, or in
+ricochet, as occasion might demand. The Prince rode behind, supported by
+his Staff, who were almost all of them bishops, archdeacons, or abbes;
+and the body of ecclesiastics followed, singing to the sound, or rather
+howl, of serpents and trombones, the Latin canticles of the Reverend
+Franciscus O'Mahony, lately canonized under the name of Saint Francis of
+Cork.
+
+The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in
+presence--the National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade. The white
+belts and fat paunches of the Guard presented a terrific appearance; but
+it might have been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were
+as white as their belts, and the long line of their bayonets might be
+seen to quiver. General Odillon Barrot, with a cockade as large as
+a pancake, endeavored to make a speech: the words honneur, patrie,
+Francais, champ de bataille might be distinguished; but the General was
+dreadfully flustered, and was evidently more at home in the Chamber of
+Deputies than in the field of war.
+
+The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech. “Boys,”
+ said he, “we've enough talking at the Corn Exchange; bating's the word
+now.” The Green-Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo, which sent
+terror into the fat bosoms of the French.
+
+“Gentlemen of the National Guard,” said the Prince, taking off his hat
+and bowing to Odillon Barrot, “will ye be so igsthramely obleeging as
+to fire first.” This he said because it had been said at Fontenoy,
+but chiefly because his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and
+therefore could not fire.
+
+But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen: for
+though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing was the
+thing of all others they detested--the noise, and the kick of the gun,
+and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to them. “We won't
+fire,” said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Saugrenue and his
+regiment of the line--which, it may be remembered, was formed behind the
+National Guard.
+
+“Then give them the bayonet,” said the Colonel, with a terrific oath.
+“Charge, corbleu!”
+
+At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was heard,
+the National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and with immense
+velocity, towards the foe. The fact is, that the line regiment behind
+them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between the
+coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded forward with an
+irresistible swiftness.
+
+Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre. The
+Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the wind. The
+Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon Barrot through
+the body, when he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered
+tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping. The Princes of
+Donegal and Connemara were taken prisoners; but though they offered to
+give bills at three months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their
+ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the
+Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had
+been robbed of their ready money by his troops, who had taken them
+prisoners, caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and
+lent them each a sum of money. How generous are men in success!--the
+Prince of Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National Guards,
+and thought his victory secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with
+the brief words, “We met the enemy before Tours. The National Guard has
+done its duty. The troops of the pretender are routed. Vive le Roi!”
+ The note, you may be sure, appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the
+editor, who only that morning had called Henri V. “a great prince,
+an august exile,” denominated him instantly a murderer, slave, thief,
+cut-throat, pickpocket, and burglar.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS.
+
+
+But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British
+infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade. Borne on with the hurry of
+the melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with running, and
+forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks
+which had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National Guardsmen
+found themselves suddenly in presence of Jenkins's Foot.
+
+They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep.
+
+“UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!” were the memorable words of the Duke Jenkins,
+as, waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and with a
+tremendous shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!--Down went
+plume and cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain, down went grocer
+and tailor, under the long staves of the indomitable English Footmen.
+“A Jenkins! a Jenkins!” roared the Duke, planting a blow which broke the
+aquiline nose of Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. “St. George for
+Mayfair!” shouted his followers, strewing the plain with carcasses. Not
+a man of the Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower.
+
+“They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais,” said the Duke
+of Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass. “'Tis a pity they will
+all be cut up in half an hour. Concombre! take your dragoons, and do
+it!” “Remember Waterloo, boys!” said Colonel Concombre, twirling his
+moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun, and the gallant
+hussars prepared to attack the Englishmen.
+
+Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the havoc
+of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy's manoeuvre. His people
+were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard, and had made a
+tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell out of his pocket,
+(it was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife or bugle,)
+speedily called his scattered warriors together. “Take the muskets of
+the Nationals,” said he. They did so. “Form in square, and prepare to
+receive cavalry!” By the time Concombre's regiment arrived, he found a
+square of bristling bayonets with Britons behind them!
+
+The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body.
+“Halt!” said he to his men.
+
+“Fire!” screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the
+National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off. The
+hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not return to the
+attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to
+charge upon them.
+
+The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. The Millefleur
+regiment broke before Concombre's hussars instantaneously; the
+Eau-de-Rose dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped
+far out of reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne lancers
+fainted to a man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing its course,
+had actually reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp, when the
+clergymen coming up formed gallantly round the oriflamme, and the
+bassoons and serpents braying again, set up such a shout of canticles,
+and anathemas, and excommunications, that the horses of Concombre's
+dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in their turn broke and
+fled. As soon as they turned, the Vendean riflemen fired amongst them
+and finished them: the gallant Concombre fell; the intrepid though
+diminutive Cornichon, his major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la
+moelle, and the wife of the fiery Navet was that day a widow. Peace to
+the souls of the brave! In defeat or in victory, where can the soldier
+find a more fitting resting-place than the glorious field of carnage?
+Only a few disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre's regiment
+reached Tours at night. They had left it but the day before, a thousand
+disciplined and high-spirited men!
+
+Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands, the
+intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and charged the
+Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD STEEL. The Frenchmen
+delivered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins's cockade,
+but did not abide the crossing of the weapons. “A Frenchman dies, but
+never surrenders,” said Saugrenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole
+regiment were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoners. The blood of
+the Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their curses were horrible;
+their courage tremendous. “On! on!” hoarsely screamed they; and a second
+regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling, grinding
+encounter. “A Jenkins, a Jenkins!” still roared the heroic Duke: “St.
+George for Mayfair!” The Footmen of England still yelled their terrific
+battle-cry, “Hurra, hurra!” On they went; regiment after regiment
+was annihilated, until, scared at the very trample of the advancing
+warriors, the dismayed troops of France screaming fled. Gathering
+his last warriors round about him, Nemours determined to make a last
+desperate effort. 'Twas vain: the ranks met; the next moment the
+truncheon of the Prince of Orleans was dashed from his hand by the
+irresistible mace of the Duke Jenkins; his horse's shins were broken by
+the same weapon. Screaming with agony the animal fell. Jenkins's hand
+was at the Duke's collar in a moment, and had he not gasped out, “Je me
+rends!” he would have been throttled in that dreadful grasp!
+
+Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments, their
+baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands of the
+victorious Duke. He had avenged the honor of Old England; and himself
+presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who now
+came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his neck and said,
+“Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint and you.” It was indeed a
+glorious victory: but what will not British valor attain?
+
+The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris, saying,
+“Sire, all is lost except honor!” was sent off in confinement; and in
+spite of the entreaties of his captor, was hardly treated with decent
+politeness. The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when the
+affair was over, were for having the Prince shot at once, and murmured
+loudly against “cet Anglais brutal” who interposed in behalf of the
+prisoner. Henri V. granted the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided
+by the advice of his noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the
+illustrious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him
+to supper that night.
+
+“Well!” said Jenkins, “I and my merry men can sup alone.” And, indeed,
+having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men, they had
+wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable. The prisoners
+(25,403) were all without difficulty induced to assume the white
+cockade. Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in their
+flannel-waistcoats, where they swore they had worn them ever since 1830.
+This we may believe, and we will; but the Prince Henri was too politic
+or too good-humored in the moment of victory, to doubt the sincerity of
+his new subjects' protestations, and received the Colonels and Generals
+affably at his table.
+
+The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies.
+“Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre,” said the Prince, “the saints
+have won for us a great victory--the enemies of our religion have
+been overcome--the lilies are restored to their native soil. Yesterday
+morning at eleven o'clock the army under my command engaged that which
+was led by his SERENE Highness the Duke de Nemours. Our forces were but
+a third in number when compared with those of the enemy. My faithful
+chivalry and nobles made the strength, however, equal.
+
+“The regiments of Fleur-d'Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne covered
+themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the enemy's troops.
+Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical
+friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round my banner, and
+forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that they were of the church
+militant indeed.
+
+“My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming
+heroism--but why particularize when all did their duty? How remember
+individual acts when all were heroes?” The Marshal of France,
+Sucre d'Orgeville, Commander of the Army of H.M. Christian Majesty,
+recommended about three thousand persons for promotion; and the
+indignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be imagined when it
+is stated that they were not even mentioned in the despatch!
+
+As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they wrote
+off despatches to their Government, saying, “The Duke of Nemours is
+beaten, and a prisoner! The Irish Brigade has done it all!” On which
+his Majesty the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the
+Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which he called Louis
+Philippe an “old miscreant,” and paid the highest compliments to his son
+and his troops. The King on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan,
+Sir Gavan Duffy (whose journals had published the news), and was so
+delighted with the valor of his son, that he despatched him his order
+of the Pig and Whistle (1st class), and a munificent present of five
+hundred thousand pounds--in a bill at three months. All Dublin was
+illuminated; and at a ball at the Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith
+(Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely intoxicated, called out the Lord
+Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they fought in the Phoenix Park. Having
+shot the Right Reverend Bishop through the body, Smithereens apologized.
+He was the same practitioner who had rendered himself so celebrated in
+the memorable trial of the King--before the Act of Independence.
+
+Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides towards
+Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for extraordinary were
+the events preparing in that capital.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE LEAGUER OF PARIS.
+
+
+By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of Henri
+V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the Emperor
+John Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place
+between the advanced-guards of the two parties, and much slaughter
+ensued.
+
+“Bon!” thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his tower;
+“they will kill each other. This is by far the most economical way of
+getting rid of them.” The astute monarch's calculations were admirably
+exposed by a clever remark of the Prince of Ballybunion. “Faix, Harry,”
+ says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious son of Saint Louis
+resented), “you and him yandther--the Emperor, I mane--are like the
+Kilkenny cats, dear.”
+
+“Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de
+Ballybunion?” asked the Most Christian King haughtily.
+
+Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the
+animals “ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that's what you
+and Imparial Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are,” added the
+jocose and royal boy.
+
+“Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires,”
+ answered Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like a
+joke; but there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have been
+well for his Most Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious
+counsels of his Irish ally.
+
+The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the garrisons of
+some of the forts, and expected all would declare for him. However, of
+the twenty-four forts which we have described, eight only--and by
+the means of Marshal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late
+years--declared for Henri, and raised the white flag: while eight
+others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon before them in the costume
+of his revered predecessor, at once flung open their gates to him, and
+mounted the tricolor with the eagle. The remaining eight, into which the
+Princes of the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained
+constant to Louis Philippe. Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the
+Tuileries. His money was there, and he swore he would remain by it. In
+vain his sons offered to bring him into one of the forts--he would not
+stir without his treasure. They said they would transport it thither;
+but no, no: the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged
+nose, and winking archly, said “he knew a trick worth two of that,” and
+resolved to abide by his bags.
+
+The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three
+centimes. The Journal des Debats published three editions of different
+tones of politics: one, the Journal de l'Empire, for the Napoleonites;
+the Journal de la Legitimite another, very complimentary to the
+Legitimate monarch; and finally, the original edition, bound heart
+and soul to the dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had to write all
+three, complained not a little that his salary was not raised: but the
+truth is, that, by altering the names, one article did indifferently for
+either paper. The Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was
+always issuing manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians
+took little heed: the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was
+allowed to be very witty at the expense of the three pretenders.
+
+As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the
+respective Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the
+forts, where there was plenty of provision; and, when once there, they
+speedily began to turn out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to
+them, or had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity.
+These poor fellows turned into the road, had no choice but starvation;
+as to getting into Paris, that was impossible: a mouse could not have
+got into the place, so admirably were the forts guarded, without having
+his head taken off by a cannon-ball. Thus the three conflicting parties
+stood, close to each other, hating each other, “willing to wound and
+yet afraid to strike”--the victuals in the forts, from the prodigious
+increase of the garrisons, getting smaller every day. As for Louis
+Philippe in his palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing
+that a spark from one might set them all blazing away, and that he and
+his money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten minutes, you may
+fancy his situation was not very comfortable.
+
+But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperialists nor
+the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and fifty
+billions in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon
+that considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their revered father.
+How was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note to his Most
+Christian Majesty (for they always styled each other in this manner in
+their communications), proposing that they should turn out and decide
+the quarrel sword in hand; to which proposition Henri would have
+acceded, but that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to
+excommunicate him should he do so. Hence this simple way of settling the
+dispute was impossible.
+
+The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in the
+forts. Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were subject to much
+petty persecution, to the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander.
+And it must be confessed that these intrepid Footmen were not so
+amenable to discipline as they might have been. Remembering the usages
+of merry England, they clubbed together, and swore they would have four
+meals of meat a day, wax-candles in the casemates, and their porter.
+These demands were laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast
+on Fridays; on which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and
+they would have had a FOURTH standard raised before Paris--viz., that
+of England--but the garrison proving too strong for them, they were
+compelled to lay down their sticks; and, in consideration of past
+services, were permitted to leave the forts. 'Twas well for them! as you
+shall hear.
+
+The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the fort
+which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and where they
+made themselves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes
+had as much brandy as they liked, and passed their time on the ramparts
+playing at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with the halfpenny that one of
+them somehow had) for vast sums of money, for which they gave their
+notes-of-hand. The warriors of their legion would stand round delighted;
+and it was, “Musha, Master Dan, but that's a good throw!” “Good luck to
+you, Misther Pat, and throw thirteen this time!” and so forth. But this
+sort of inaction could not last long. They had heard of the treasures
+amassed in the palace of the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought
+of the lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country. They panted
+for war! They formed their plan.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS.
+
+
+On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis Philippe
+was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing that what
+the journal said about “Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the
+Pretender Henri,”--“Chicken-pox raging in the Forts of the Traitor
+Bonaparte,”--might be true, what was his surprise to hear the report
+of a gun; and at the same instant--whiz! came an eighty-four-pound ball
+through the window and took off the head of the faithful Monsieur de
+Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of muffins.
+
+“Three francs for the window,” said the monarch; “and the muffins of
+course spoiled!” and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly. Ah, King
+Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window-pane--more than
+a plate of muffins--it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty millions of
+tax-payers.
+
+The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. “Gracious heavens!” said the
+commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, “What has your
+Highness done?” “Faix,” replied the other, “Donegal and I saw a sparrow
+on the Tuileries, and we thought we'd have a shot at it, that's all.”
+ “Hurroo! look out for squalls,” here cried the intrepid Hibernian; for
+at this moment one of Paixhans' shells fell into the counterscarp of the
+demilune on which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple of
+embrasures flying about their ears.
+
+Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort
+Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly replied
+by its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite fort. On seeing
+this, Fort Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummelling
+Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and in a quarter of an
+hour the whole of this vast line of fortification was in a blaze of
+flame, flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing, bombing, in the most
+tremendous manner. The world has never perhaps, before or since, heard
+such an uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thundering at each
+other. Fancy the sky red with the fires of hundreds of thousands of
+blazing, brazen meteors; the air thick with impenetrable smoke--the
+universe almost in a flame! for the noise of the cannonading was heard
+on the peaks of the Andes, and broke three windows in the English
+factory at Canton. Boom, boom, boom! for three days incessantly the
+gigantic--I may say, Cyclopean battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong!
+The air was thick with cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each
+other in the heavens, and fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into
+the very forts from which they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong--brrwrrwrrr!
+
+On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke permitted
+it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have been heard
+(if the tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed it) giving
+mysterious signs and countersigns. “Tom,” was the word whispered,
+“Steele” was the sibilated response. (It is astonishing how, in the
+roar of elements, THE HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!) It was the
+Irish Brigade assembling. “Now or never, boys!” said their leaders; and
+sticking their doodeens into their mouths, they dropped stealthily into
+the trenches, heedless of the broken glass and sword-blades; rose from
+those trenches; formed in silent order; and marched to Paris. They
+knew they could arrive there unobserved--nobody, indeed, remarked their
+absence.
+
+The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves
+at their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which Arnal
+performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new feuilleton
+by Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated
+to the journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme
+without the walls.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+LOUIS XVII.
+
+
+The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the
+inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it may
+be remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty
+of demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his pretensions,
+had not failed to strike with awe and respect his four thousand comrades
+of captivity. The Emperor of China, the Princess of the Moon, Julius
+Caesar, Saint Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome,
+the Cacique of Mexico, and several singular and illustrious personages
+who happened to be confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.;
+and all agreed that now or never was the time to support his legitimate
+pretensions to the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around
+them, they howled with furious delight in response. They took counsel
+together: Dr. Pinel and the infamous jailers, who, under the name of
+keepers, held them in horrible captivity, were pounced upon and overcome
+in a twinkling. The strait-waistcoats were taken off from the wretched
+captives languishing in the dungeons; the guardians were invested in
+these shameful garments, and with triumphant laughter plunged under the
+Douches. The gates of the prison were flung open, and they marched forth
+in the blackness of the storm!
+
+*****
+
+On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a gun
+went off fitfully now and then.
+
+*****
+
+On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, “Tiens! ils sont
+fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!”--and why? Because there was no more
+powder?--Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder.
+
+There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more forts,
+no more nothing. THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP. The battle-roar
+ceased. The battle-clouds rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling
+stars, looked blandly down from the serene azure,--and all was
+peace--stillness--the stillness of death. Holy, holy silence!
+
+Yes: the battle of Paris was over. And where were the combatants? All
+gone--not one left!--And where was Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince
+was a captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade was encamped around
+it: they had reached the palace a little too late; it was already
+occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII.
+
+That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to the
+Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. They burst through the feeble
+barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the kingly halls
+of the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his
+ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats, of the
+fifth of November; an important article, which proclaimed that the civil
+war was concluded:--
+
+“The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are at
+an end. Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which agitated
+the bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilization,
+may now rest in peace. That monarch whom we have long been sighing for;
+whose image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how passionately worshipped,
+in every French heart, is with us once more. Blessings be on him;
+blessings--a thousand blessings upon the happy country which is at
+length restored to his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable sway!
+
+“His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his palace
+of the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies. His Royal Highness
+the Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the
+kingdom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the Palais
+Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his Royal Highness, who
+happened to be in the late forts round Paris, (before the bombardment
+which has so happily ended in their destruction,) had returned to their
+father before the commencement of the cannonading. They will continue,
+as heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the throne.
+
+“None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch's
+proclamation.
+
+“'Louis, by &c.--
+
+“'My children! After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of captivity, I
+am restored to you. The cycle of events predicted by the ancient Magi,
+and the planetary convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books,
+have fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as always in
+the depths of my dungeons I confidently expected) in the triumph of the
+good Angel, and the utter discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon.
+
+“'When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced their
+hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by--in my palace of Charenton,
+three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring of
+Saturn--I witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and I
+said, “Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the signs of the
+Zodiac mere astronomers' prattle?”
+
+“'I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr. Pinel.
+The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive. I summoned my allies
+round about me. The high contracting Powers came to my bidding:
+monarchs from all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the Moon and other
+illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale imprisoned genii.
+I whispered the mystic sign, and the doors flew open. We entered Paris
+in triumph, by the Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the
+Octroi. The bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts, and retreated,
+howling: they knew us, and trembled.
+
+“'My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me. I have a friend
+in Turkey--the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a Protestant
+once--Lord Brougham by name. I have sent to him to legislate for us:
+he is wise in the law, and astrology, and all sciences; he shall aid my
+Ministers in their councils. I have written to him by the post. There
+shall be no more infamous mad-houses in France, where poor souls shiver
+in strait-waistcoats.
+
+“'I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was in his
+counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned me.
+He gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to use it.
+Taught by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I
+will endow the land with noble institutions instead of diabolical
+forts. I will have no more cannon founded. They are a curse and shall
+be melted--the iron ones into railroads; the bronze ones into statues of
+beautiful saints, angels, and wise men; the copper ones into money, to
+be distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love them.
+
+“'There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no more
+passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more physic.
+
+“'My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I will it. I am the
+king.
+
+(Signed) 'Louis.'”
+
+
+“Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the
+English Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first about
+to sack the city, but on hearing that the banner of the lilies was once
+more raised in France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered
+his allegiance to his Majesty. It was accepted: and the Plush Guard
+has been established in place of the Swiss, who waited on former
+sovereigns.”
+
+
+“The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our service.
+Their commander states that they took every one of the forts round
+Paris, and having blown them up, were proceeding to release Louis
+XVII., when they found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their
+glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Majesty the King of
+the Irish. It will be a new laurel to add to his green crown!”
+
+
+And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great
+French Revolution of 1884. It records the actions of great and various
+characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates wonderful reverses
+of fortune; it affords the moralist scope for his philosophy; perhaps it
+gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the latter imagine,
+because there is not a precise moral affixed to the story, that its
+tendency is otherwise than good. He is a poor reader, for whom
+his author is obliged to supply a moral application. It is well in
+spelling-books and for children; it is needless for the reflecting
+spirit. The drama of Punch himself is not moral: but that drama has had
+audiences all over the world. Happy he, who in our dark times can cause
+a smile! Let us laugh then, and gladden in the sunshine, though it be
+but as the ray upon the pool, that flickers only over the cold black
+depths below!
+
+
+
+
+COX'S DIARY.
+
+THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
+
+
+On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the
+neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both
+in the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of
+a girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of
+a three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young
+foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated
+mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called
+Cox's Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and
+three-and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established
+cutting and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I
+had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge,
+plaited her hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of
+patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was my
+hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another,
+would one day be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son
+Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers when their father was either
+dead or a gentleman: for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should
+be.
+
+Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections:
+though her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr.
+Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the “Pigtail and
+Sparrow,” in the Whitechapel Road; from which place I married her; being
+myself very fond of the article, and especially when she served it to
+me--the dear thing!
+
+Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am
+proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and
+my Bohemian balsam to support her!--and we had hopes from her uncle,
+a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty
+years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in
+India, and was worth millions, we were told.
+
+Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my
+lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow
+and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to
+his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland
+Place, and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my
+wife took her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to
+visit her uncle: but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she
+somewhat sharp in her way, (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you
+to know,) a desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that
+day to the day of his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would
+condescend to do, was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in
+the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by
+us. All the neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations,
+for Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the
+connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet;
+Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly
+enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in
+my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once: when he said “Oh, the barber!”
+ tossed up his nose, and passed on.
+
+One day--one famous day last January--all our Market was thrown into
+a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three
+vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and
+Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner (it being
+Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port,
+and was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough: at which
+proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus):--we
+had just, I say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows
+out, “La, Pa, here's uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cab!”
+
+And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough--Mrs. Breadbasket in deep
+mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back
+shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the
+world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was
+very kind of her to come. “La, mem,” says Mrs. B., “I'm sure I'd
+do anything to serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear
+Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone.”
+
+“That's what?” cries my wife.
+
+“What, gone?” cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls
+will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and
+ready to cry too.
+
+“Yes, gaw--” Just as she was at this very “gaw” Tug roars out, “La, Pa!
+here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!”
+
+It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back
+into the parlor with my ladies. “What is it, Mr. Bar?” says I; and as
+quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair,
+and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made
+some resistance.--“Don't think of it, Mr. Cox,” says he; “don't trouble
+yourself, sir.” But I lathered away and never minded. “And what's this
+melancholy event, sir,” says I, “that has spread desolation in your
+family's bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your
+loss.”
+
+I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because
+Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him.
+
+Mr. Bar was just about to speak. “Yes, sir,” says he, “my master's
+gaw--” when at the “gaw” in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the finest
+gentleman I ever saw.
+
+“What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!” says he.
+
+“Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?”
+
+“A mighty wet day, sir,” says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making my
+bow. “A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that
+you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!”
+
+“Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir,” said Mr. Hock, making a bow:
+“but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how some
+fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!”
+ With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly
+opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between
+the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser
+into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's
+mouth--a capital way to stop angry answers.
+
+Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a
+hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black
+coat with a bag.
+
+“What, you here!” says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it
+seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, “What, YOU here!” “Your
+name is Cox, sir?” says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine.
+“My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple
+Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,--that is to say, sorry
+to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady
+is heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the
+kingdom.”
+
+At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of
+Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed
+to Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a wince out:--Mrs. C.,
+Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid
+tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted.
+
+“And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?” says I.
+
+“Why--hee, hee, hee!” says Mr. Sharpus. “Surely you know that he was
+only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!”
+
+You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so
+eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. Sharpus say there
+was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John
+Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as
+they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the
+news.
+
+We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would
+have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted,
+“Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and we have not;
+had we not better keep them for a little?”--Keep them, then, we did, to
+show us how to be gentlefolks.
+
+I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of
+premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for
+it; but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the
+shop he should.
+
+
+FIRST ROUT.
+
+
+We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house without
+friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and
+I was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours,
+Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into
+distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us
+the honor of lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him,
+and of his little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing
+of our good fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a
+little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond
+of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on
+one occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor
+girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond
+of her.
+
+Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune,
+though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him to come and
+take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima
+very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and
+to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a
+great scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was
+forbidden the house--for ever!
+
+So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. “You
+see, sir,” our Jemmy would say, “we shall have our town and country
+mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave
+between our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to
+have the first society of England.” To this Tagrag agreed, and promised
+to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what's
+more, did.
+
+First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays
+and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and
+Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way,
+and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent
+straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend
+Doctor Pigney's, at Richmond.
+
+Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the
+papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way: double your name and stick
+an “e” to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect
+in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty
+society about us. Some of old Tug's friends swore they would do anything
+for the family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs.
+Coxe and her charming girl; and when, about the first week in
+February, we announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the
+twenty-eighth, I assure you there was no want of company: no, nor
+of titles neither; and it always does my heart good even to hear one
+mentioned.
+
+Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his
+seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner): there
+was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron
+von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent
+literati, author of “The Distrusted” “The Distorted,” “The Disgusted,”
+ “The Disreputable One,” and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady
+Max and her daughter, the Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles
+Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A.,
+K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala:
+my friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt,
+made up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in
+black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs.
+C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were seen round
+the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of
+elation, and thought to myself--Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever would have
+expected to see you here?
+
+After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and to this
+Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility
+that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to
+tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse,
+and the Ladies North Pole her daughters; when I say that there were yet
+OTHERS, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of
+modesty, be mentioned here, I think I've said enough to show that, in
+our time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company.
+
+It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer
+Cordongblew. I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol
+allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French
+dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles,
+called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-Tuggeridge Coxe drank
+a very good share of it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we
+did not much relish). However, the feed, as I say, went off very well:
+Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so good as to put
+me down for six copies of all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter
+engaging Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my
+dear Jemmy with Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as
+red as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and
+bird-of-paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant.
+
+Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:--thunder-under-under
+came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert's
+fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the
+gents thought it high time to make our appearance. I felt a LITTLE
+squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people;
+but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we
+reached, at last, the drawing-room.
+
+The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great
+ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working
+away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann
+amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron
+Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle
+of the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she
+wasn't there! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking
+very sulky; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the
+place where the Duchesses were. “Oh, not there!” said Jemmy, trying to
+break away. “Nonsense, my dear,” says I: “you are missis, and this is
+your place.” Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, “Me and
+my missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you.”
+
+The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak.
+
+I went on: “The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see; and so we
+thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am,
+I think, are too stiff to dance.”
+
+“Sir!” says her Grace.
+
+“Ma'am,” says I, “don't you know me? My name's Cox. Nobody's introduced
+me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself--so give
+us your hand, ma'am.”
+
+And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but--would you
+believe it?--the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot 'tater.
+“Fitzurse! Fitzurse!” shouted she, “help! help!” Up scuffled all the
+other Dowagers--in rushed the dancers. “Mamma! mamma!” squeaked Lady
+Julia North Pole. “Lead me to my mother,” howled Lady Aurorer: and both
+came up and flung themselves into her arms. “Wawt's the raw?” said Lord
+Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately.
+
+“Protect me from the insults of this man,” says her Grace. “Where's
+Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me.”
+
+“My dear Duchess,” said Tufthunt, very meek.
+
+“Don't Duchess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak;
+and hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn't his
+monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people,
+Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!”
+
+“And my carriage,” “And mine,” “And mine!” shouted twenty more voices.
+And down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche Bluenose and Lady
+Max among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal and one or two
+men, who roared with laughter ready to split.
+
+“Oh, Sam,” said my wife, sobbing, “why would you take me back to them?
+they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess whether she
+didn't like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos:
+and--would you believe it?--all the company burst out laughing; and the
+Duchess told me just to keep off, and not to speak till I was spoken to.
+Imperence! I'd like to tear her eyes out.”
+
+And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would!
+
+
+A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS.
+
+
+Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still
+upon fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to
+Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here
+there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and
+suppers, danced at our balls--ay, and spoke to us too. We were great
+people in fact: I a regular country gentleman; and as such, Jemmy
+insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. “But,”
+ says I, “my love, I can't ride.” “Pooh! Mr. C.” said she, “you're always
+making difficulties: you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille; you
+thought you couldn't dine at seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't lie
+in bed after six; and haven't you done every one of these things? You
+must and you shall ride!” And when my Jemmy said “must and shall,” I
+knew very well there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to
+the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received
+notice that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail
+Common, just outside my lodge-gates.
+
+I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was
+most probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag explained
+this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a
+delightful animal of his own; which, being desperately pressed for
+money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having
+given a hundred and fifty for it.
+
+Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. C.
+turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being helped up
+on my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came
+presently round to join them.
+
+Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, “I
+thought,” he said, “you told me you knew how to ride; and that you had
+ridden once fifty miles on a stretch!”
+
+“And so I did,” says I, “to Cambridge, and on the box too.”
+
+“ON THE BOX!” says he; “but did you ever mount a horse before?”
+
+“Never,” says I, “but I find it mighty easy.”
+
+“Well,” says he, “you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe,
+for your spirit.” And so we came out of the gate.
+
+As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt,
+but what a hunt is--why the horses WILL go among the dogs and ride them
+down--why the men cry out “yooooic”--why the dogs go snuffing about in
+threes and fours, and the huntsman says, “Good Towler--good Betsy,” and
+we all of us after him say, “Good Towler--good Betsy” in course: then,
+after hearing a yelp here and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow!
+burst out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap
+in a velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat
+here), “Hark, to Ringwood!” and then, “There he goes!” says some one;
+and all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping,
+screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays,
+horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard
+boys, go tearing all together over the common after two or three of the
+pack that yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can't say; but it all took
+place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence.
+
+Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been
+trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I managed
+to stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went
+Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the
+dogs like the donkey among the chickens. “Back, Mr. Coxe,” holloas
+the huntsman; and so I pulled very hard, and cried out, “Wo!” but he
+wouldn't; and on I went galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a
+wonder; but I squeezed my knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very
+hard into the stirrups, and kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's
+neck, and looked betwixt his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted
+to luck: for I was in a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man
+would be in such a case, let alone a poor hairdresser.
+
+As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you
+honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; nothing
+in this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-colored mane, and that I
+gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking,
+the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble.
+
+There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the “Spicy Dustman,” who,
+when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out
+on his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed
+to keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly through the cross-roads,
+and knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the hounds
+would find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would
+take, the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail
+to Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt.
+There's a small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the
+leading chaps took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate,
+and so would I, only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and
+be hanged to him, and went right for it.
+
+Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your arms,
+off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel--that is, I did--is a
+most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the
+stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree; Trumpeter gone clean from
+under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of
+the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse couldn't get
+away: and neither of us, I thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of
+a sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman!
+
+“Holloa!” says I, “you gent, just let us down from this here tree!”
+
+“Lor'!” says he, “I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin.”
+
+“Let's down,” says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging
+Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as
+possible. “Let's down,” says I. “Presently,” says he; and taking off
+his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and
+saddle; and when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did?--he
+just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, “Git down
+yourself, old Bearsgrease; you've only to drop! I'LL give your 'oss a
+hairing arter them 'ounds; and you--vy, you may ride back my pony
+to Tuggeridgeweal!” And with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away,
+leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the
+branch would break.
+
+It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got out of
+it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apollor
+Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop window
+when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our
+rose-oil. Faugh! what a figure I was!
+
+I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very
+quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; and after
+a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate.
+
+A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; their
+Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a number of
+horses walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the
+hunt, who had come in after losing their fox! “Here's Squire Coxe!”
+ shouted the grooms. Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of
+the hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody
+dying with laughter at me.
+
+Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed me;
+a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very gravely,
+to help me down.
+
+“Squire,” says he, “how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git down,
+will you, and give it to its howner?”
+
+“Rascal!” says I, “didn't you ride off on my horse?”
+
+“Was there ever sich ingratitude?” says the Spicy. “I found this year
+'oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his
+master, and he calls me a rascal!”
+
+The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all
+set up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed,
+as not to be able to laugh just then.
+
+And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I
+showed great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but “No,” says I, “I
+HAVE been.”
+
+
+THE FINISHING TOUCH.
+
+
+I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram's in
+Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet
+twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted
+the first man of the club; and could take five from John the marker
+himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was
+placed in that station of life where I could cultivate my talents,
+I gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I do say that I think
+myself as good a hand as any chap in England.
+
+The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you,
+astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three rubbers
+Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him
+all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the
+betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew
+what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings,
+so my skill was of no great service to me.
+
+One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen were
+high in words. “The thing shall not be done,” I heard Captain Tagrag
+say: “I won't stand it.”
+
+“Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?” said the
+Baron.
+
+“You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar,” said the Count: “ve
+vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill.”
+
+“What's all this, gents,” says I, stepping in, “about birds and
+feathers?”
+
+“Oh,” says Tagrag, “we were talking about--about--pigeon-shooting; the
+Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and I
+said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder.”
+
+“Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting,” cries the Baron: “and I know no
+better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is
+gabidal.”
+
+“No doubt,” says I, “for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the
+PIGEON.” And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I didn't
+know then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave Master Baron,
+that day, a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than
+fifteen shillings of his money.
+
+As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took
+in the Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that
+celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for
+me, Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon--and
+the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the
+kidney species of that vegetable--made no small noise at the time, and
+got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant
+reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and, my early education having
+been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is
+the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep's head at the tender
+age of nine years, before I was allowed to venture on the humane
+countenance,)--I say, being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical
+learning, I must confess I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of
+genteel information from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at
+least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen
+and gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the Flare-up
+notices to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the
+notices, as follows:--
+
+“'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of Covent
+Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a
+married man.
+
+“'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's
+second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn,
+gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen
+should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined.
+
+“'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame
+Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of
+Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian.
+
+“'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in England,
+is Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville:
+Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a
+hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his superior. Verbum sap.
+
+“'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead.”
+
+I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how
+the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and
+both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his
+play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We
+read him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. “Id is,” he cried,
+“the tables” (or “de DABELS,” as he called them),--“de horrid dabels;
+gom viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you.”
+ We all roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to
+satisfy the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or
+any tables he chose.
+
+“Gut,” says he, “gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant;
+his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill.” And I said I would:
+and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera,
+we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance.
+
+We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw: lots
+of Champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and
+fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. “Is dish Misther Coxsh, de
+shelebrated player?” says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one
+or two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen,
+dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. “Is dish Misther
+Coxsh? blesh my hart, it is a honor to see you; I have heard so much of
+your play.”
+
+“Come, come,” says I, “sir”--for I'm pretty wide awake--“none of your
+gammon; you're not going to book ME.”
+
+“No, begar, dis fish you not catch,” says Count Mace.
+
+“Dat is gut!--haw! haw!” snorted the Baron. “Hook him! Lieber Himmel,
+you might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!”
+
+Well, we went to play. “Five to four on Coxe,” screams out the
+Count.--“Done and done,” says another nobleman. “Ponays,” says the
+Count.--“Done,” says the nobleman. “I vill take your six crowns to
+four,” says the Baron.--“Done,” says I. And, in the twinkling of an eye,
+I beat him once making thirteen off the balls without stopping.
+
+We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long
+faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote
+I.O.U.'s for the Count! “Va toujours, mon cher,” says he to me, “you
+have von for me three hundred pounds.”
+
+“I'll blay you guineas dis time,” says the Baron. “Zeven to four you
+must give me though.” And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT game was
+won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. “Two hundred and sixty more,
+my dear, dear Coxe,” says the Count: “you are mon ange gardien!” “Wot a
+flat Misther Coxsh is, not to back his luck,” I hoard Abednego whisper
+to one of the foreign noblemen.
+
+“I'll take your seven to four, in tens,” said I to the Baron. “Give me
+three,” says he, “and done.” I gave him three, and lost the game by one.
+“Dobbel, or quits,” says he. “Go it,” says I, up to my mettle: “Sam Coxe
+never says no;” and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to
+his five. “Holy Moshesh!” says Abednego, “dat little Coxsh is a vonder!
+who'll take odds?”
+
+“I'll give twenty to one,” says I, “in guineas.”
+
+“Ponays; yase, done,” screams out the Count.
+
+“BONIES, done,” roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak, went in,
+and--would you believe it?--in two minutes he somehow made the game!
+
+*****
+
+Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! In
+vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies;
+and when I refused, they both said their honor was concerned, and they
+must have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually
+that, in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from
+me, he had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word
+of honor of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that
+ponies had been betted;--why, I paid them one thousand pounds sterling
+of good and lawful money.--But I've not played for money since: no, no;
+catch me at THAT again if you can.
+
+
+A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA.
+
+
+No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, who
+knew as much about music,--bless her!--as I do about Sanscrit, algebra,
+or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second tier. It
+was what they called a double box; it really COULD hold two, that is,
+very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain--for five hundred
+a year! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our
+places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front; me, behind: but as my
+dear wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich feathers,
+birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin,
+scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of the
+front of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four
+times in the course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight
+of the actors. By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling
+Jemmy's sleeve, I DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of
+Senior Lablash's boots, in the “Puritanny,” and once actually saw Madame
+Greasi's crown and head-dress in “Annybalony.”
+
+What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us
+aristocracy used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your three
+courses (three curses I used to call them;--for so, indeed, they are,
+causing a deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, pills, want of
+sleep, and such like)--just, I say, as you get down your three courses,
+which I defy any man to enjoy properly unless he has two hours of drink
+and quiet afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as
+fine as a duchess, and scented like our shop. “Come, my dear,” says she,
+“it's 'Normy' to--night” (or “Annybalony,” or the “Nosey di Figaro,”
+ or the “Gazzylarder,” as the case may be). “Mr. Foster strikes off
+punctually at eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present
+at the very first bar of the aperture.” And so off we are obliged to
+budge, to be miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the
+next twelve, and all because it's the fashion!
+
+After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am
+given to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in
+Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do nothing BUT sing. Bless
+us! how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the “Gazzylarder” to fly
+up to the top of the church-steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the
+chaps with the pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June.
+Not that I don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini:
+him who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the
+first piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a LITTLE too
+much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes.
+
+The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You SHOULD
+have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and
+when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a
+gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl
+blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only
+five of her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging
+to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round,
+like a teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more; and as she settled
+down, at last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should
+have heard how the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with
+all their might, and waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting,
+“Bravo!” Some people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an
+exhibition, threw bunches of flowers at her; and what do you think she
+did? Why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had
+happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press
+them to her heart, and begin whirling round again faster than ever. Talk
+about coolness, I never saw such in all MY born days.
+
+“Nasty thing!” says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; “if women WILL act so,
+it serves them right to be treated so.”
+
+“Oh, yes! she acts beautifully,” says our friend his Excellency, who
+along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming
+to our box.
+
+“She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and I am
+very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and
+that the people waved to her to get off.”
+
+Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of laughter.
+
+“My dear Mrs. Coxe,” says Tag, “those are the most famous dancers in the
+world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses at them, in
+token of our immense admiration!”
+
+“Well, I never!” said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the
+curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done the next
+begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and bounding
+in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at least six feet
+from the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were more
+astonished than ever!
+
+“That's Anatole,” says one of the gentlemen.
+
+“Anna who?” says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this
+person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black
+ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees.
+
+“Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as
+active as a man of twenty.”
+
+“HE!” shrieked out my wife; “what, is that there a man? For shame!
+Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I'll
+thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home.”
+
+You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a
+horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to
+it; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and
+so would stop till the end of everything; and, law bless you! in three
+weeks from that time, she could look at the ballet as she would at
+a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her double-barrelled
+opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had been a born duchess.
+As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does; and precious fun it used to be,
+sometimes.
+
+My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the scenes;
+where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ONTRAY.
+Behind, then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of! Fancy
+lots of young and old gents of the fashion crowding round and staring
+at the actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners,
+chattering always, and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of
+Jews, with hooked-noses and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains,
+sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old
+nightgowns, with knock-knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings,
+and dabs of brick-dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such
+wigs!) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap,
+or else shepherds' crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and
+green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to and
+fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard Cupids,
+dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, confusion and gabble
+of all conceivable languages was never known!
+
+If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking twenty,
+he looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving
+it a touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy
+was standing by with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner
+of Charles Street.
+
+I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour which
+they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage,
+before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes
+are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and
+canes in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn't wait.
+
+Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain flies
+up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very
+last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very
+affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about
+me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such like politeness, in
+the most condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn,
+and down I popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below.
+Luckily I was stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of
+green blankets and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the
+sea. If I had not fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the
+consequence of the collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear
+to hear of my paying the least attention to the fair sex.
+
+
+STRIKING A BALANCE.
+
+
+Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the Earl
+of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his mother the
+Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda
+MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; and a son, the
+Honorable Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow MacTurk, only ten
+months older than our boy Tug.
+
+My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, made
+every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of
+Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter
+of the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of
+Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing
+so angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship
+down. The Kilblazes' estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property
+by two thousand a year at least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept
+only two footmen, was quite authorized in having three; and she made it
+a point, as soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to
+have out her own carriage-and-four.
+
+Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big.
+Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and what
+do you think Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, Madame de
+Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was
+quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame Flicflac: she had been (to
+support her father, the Count, when he emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the
+ITALIAN Opera. French dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at once,
+and in the best style: it is astonishing how quick and well she used to
+speak--the French especially.
+
+Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement
+Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the
+age of three to fifteen; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug,
+adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the
+boarders. I think I found out the dear soul's reason; for, one day,
+speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the
+Kilblazes, she whispered to him that “she never would have thought of
+sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid;
+THEIR lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did
+the best they could on their income!”
+
+Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been
+tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, and,
+as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You
+read in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called it,) after the
+account of the charges for board, masters, extras, &c.--“Every young
+nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife, fork, spoon, and
+goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned; a
+dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c.
+The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have more than ten guineas of
+pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or he be above
+fifteen years of age. WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm, vapor,
+and douche baths. CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of
+fifteen guineas per quarter. It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young
+nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to
+THE CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment were
+profane.
+
+“CLEMENT CODDLER, M. A.,
+
+“Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster.
+
+“MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY.”
+
+
+To this establishment our Tug was sent. “Recollect, my dear,” said his
+mamma, “that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to
+beat all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington MacTurk,
+who, though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of
+Tuggeridgeville.”
+
+Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as
+any young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and
+could shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the old time, when we
+were not great people: when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn
+Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for, on going to
+school.
+
+However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send
+monthly accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of
+the world, I don't know who was. It was
+
+     General behavior......excellent.
+     English...............very good.
+     French................tres bien.
+     Latin.................optime.
+
+And so on:--he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month
+for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he
+had been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler,
+one of the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bedrooms
+and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them),
+which were all as comfortable as comfortable might be. “It is a
+holiday, today,” said Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it seemed to be. In
+the dining-room were half a dozen young gentlemen playing at cards (“All
+tip-top nobility,” observed Mr. Coddler);--in the bedrooms there was
+only one gent: he was lying on his bed, reading novels and smoking
+cigars. “Extraordinary genius!” whispered Coddler. “Honorable Tom
+Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's; smokes all day; and has written the
+SWEETEST poems you can imagine. Genius, my dear madam, you know--genius
+must have its way.” “Well, UPON my word,” says Jemmy, “if that's genius,
+I had rather that Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull
+fellow.”
+
+“Impossible, my dear madam,” said Coddler. “Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe COULDN'T
+be stupid if he TRIED.”
+
+Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of
+Allycompane. We were introduced instantly: “Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr.
+and Mrs. Coxe.” The little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very
+low, and so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord making for the
+playground, begged him to show us the way.--“Come along,” says my lord;
+and as he walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the
+beautiful holes in his jacket, and elsewhere.
+
+About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a
+pastry-cook's shop at the end of the green. “That's the grub-shop,” said
+my lord, “where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and
+them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick.”
+
+Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. “That's
+Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am,” says my lord. “We keep him, for he's very
+useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when there's a
+fight, or a game at cricket.--Well, Hicks, how's your mother? what's the
+row now?” “I believe, my lord,” said the usher, very meekly, “there is a
+pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises--the Honorable Mr. Mac--”
+
+“Oh! COME along,” said Lord Lollypop, “come along: this way, ma'am! Go
+it, ye cripples!” And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in the kindest
+and most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to
+be so taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running
+across the green. “Who is it, Petitoes?” screams my lord. “Turk and the
+barber,” pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastry-cook's like mad. “Turk
+and the ba--,” laughs out my lord, looking at us. “HURRA! THIS way,
+ma'am!” And turning round a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard,
+where a number of boys were collected, and a great noise of shrill
+voices might be heard. “Go it, Turk!” says one. “Go it, barber!” says
+another. “PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!” roars another, whose voice was just
+cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short for him!
+
+Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling
+away at the Honorable Master MacTurk! My dear Jemmy, who don't
+understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand
+tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds,
+while, with the other, she clawed hold of Master MacTurk's red hair,
+and, as soon as she got her second hand free, banged it about his face
+and ears like a good one.
+
+“You nasty--wicked--quarrelsome--aristocratic” (each word was a
+bang)--“aristocratic--oh! oh! oh!”--Here the words stopped; for what
+with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the
+shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered, my dear
+Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my arms.
+
+
+DOWN AT BEULAH.
+
+
+Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us,
+yet Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their acquaintance
+over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting,
+making friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the
+holidays. Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame
+de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have
+related. When our friend the Baron first saw Madame, a very tender
+greeting passed between them; for they had, as it appeared, been old
+friends abroad. “Sapristie,” said the Baron, in his lingo, “que fais-tu
+ici, Amenaide?” “Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot,” says she, “est-ce qu'on
+t'a mis a la retraite? Il parait que tu n'es plus General chez Franco--”
+ “CHUT!” says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips.
+
+“What are they saying, my dear?” says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a
+pretty knowledge of the language by this time.
+
+“I don't know what 'Sapristie' means, mamma; but the Baron asked Madame
+what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot, you are no
+more a General at Franco.'--Have I not translated rightly, Madame?”
+
+“Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right.
+Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years.”
+
+“Chicot is my name of baptism,” says the Baron; “Baron Chicot de Punter
+is my name.”
+
+“And being a General at Franco,” says Jemmy, “means, I suppose, being a
+French General?”
+
+“Yes, I vas,” said he, “General Baron de Punter--n'est 'a pas,
+Amenaide?”
+
+“Oh, yes!” said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy laughed
+out of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall
+hear.
+
+About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that
+admirable institution, “The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;” Lady de
+Sudley was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, the
+excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that
+of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her ladyship's), drew
+away five hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the Charity: and
+Lady de Sudley thought a fete at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the
+foreign princes who were in town last year, might bring a little more
+money into its treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and
+published in all the papers:--
+
+
+“APPEAL.
+
+“BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME.
+
+“The 'Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been established seven years:
+and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated,
+INCALCULABLE. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen have been
+lodged within its walls. One hundred and two British Washerwomen
+have been relieved when in the last state of decay. ONE HUNDRED AND
+NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been
+washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And,
+by an arrangement with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped
+that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL will be confided to the British
+Washerwoman's Home!
+
+“With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable to
+think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to reject
+the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE
+BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? Ladies of
+England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there one of you that
+will not respond to the cry in behalf of these deserving members of our
+sex?
+
+“It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at
+Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the first
+foreign and native TALENT; by the first foreign and native RANK; and
+where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S FRIEND.”
+
+
+Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke
+of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency
+Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the Persian
+Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His
+Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the Spanish
+Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of
+Topinambo, and a host of other fashionables, promised to honor the
+festival: and their names made a famous show in the bills. Besides
+these, we had the celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seven
+Transylvanian trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian Minnesingers; with
+all the leading artists of London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of
+Europe.
+
+I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British
+Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was
+erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was hung round
+with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen's orphans; ninety-six
+of whom were to be feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the
+Ladies-Patronesses.
+
+Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count,
+Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and
+barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her
+carriage-and-two.
+
+There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the
+Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their beaux
+went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having each an
+arm of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and Jemimarann.
+Whilst they were walking, whom should they light upon but poor Orlando
+Crump, my successor in the perfumery and hair-cutting.
+
+“Orlando!” says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out
+her hand.
+
+“Jemimar!” says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum.
+
+“SIR!” says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess.
+
+“What! madam,” says poor Crump, “don't you remember your shopboy?”
+
+“Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?” whimpers Jemimarann, whose
+hand he had got hold of.
+
+“Miss Tuggeridge Coxe,” says Jemmy, “I'm surprised of you. Remember,
+sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more
+familiarity.”
+
+“Insolent fellow!” says the Baron, “vat is dis canaille?”
+
+“Canal yourself, Mounseer,” says Orlando, now grown quite furious: he
+broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann,
+as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill; and her mamma,
+therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame
+Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself with the other gentlemen, in
+order to join us.
+
+It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac
+suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a
+friend whom she saw pass.
+
+The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the
+champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I
+don't know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when the
+Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration.
+
+Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by
+my side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian
+Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy:--
+
+             “Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee.
+              Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee.”
+      “Chorus--Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!”
+
+They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual,
+and had just come to the “o-o-o,” at the end of the chorus of the
+forty-seventh stanza, when Orlando started: “That's a scream!” says he.
+“Indeed it is,” says I; “and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very
+ugly scream too:” when I heard another shrill “Oh!” as I thought; and
+Orlando bolted off, crying, “By heavens, it's HER voice!” “Whose voice?”
+ says I. “Come and see the row,” says Tag. And off we went, with a
+considerable number of people, who saw this strange move on his part.
+
+We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting;
+her mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the ground, holding
+a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando squaring at him, and
+calling on him to fight if he dared.
+
+My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. “Take that feller away,” says she;
+“he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the
+least.”
+
+Poor Orlando was carried off. “I've no patience with the little minx,”
+ says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. “She might be a Baron's lady; and
+she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand.”
+
+“Oh, mamma! mamma!” sobs poor Jemimarann, “but he was t-t-tipsy.”
+
+“T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a
+nobleman who does not know what he is doing.”
+
+
+A TOURNAMENT.
+
+
+“I say, Tug,” said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at Beulah,
+“Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I
+told you: the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we
+are going to do. What do you think? we're going to have a tournament!”
+ “What's a tournament?” says Tug, and so said his mamma when she heard
+the news; and when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she
+WAS as angry as MacTurk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days
+together. “What!” says she, “dress up in armor, like play-actors, and
+run at each other with spears? The Kilblazes must be mad!” And so I
+thought, but I didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they
+were: for, when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as
+yet, a profound secret, what does she do, but send down to the Morning
+Post a flaming account of
+
+
+“THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE!
+
+“The days of chivalry are NOT past. The fair Castellane of
+T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been
+alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall exceed
+in splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are not at
+liberty to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de
+P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th--s T-gr-g, are
+to be the knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN OF BEAUTY,
+of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power; a
+banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a ball, in which the
+recollections of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones
+of Weippert and Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye
+of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for her distinguished guests.”
+
+
+The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback, and
+in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number of our
+friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he vaulted over
+his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never were done except
+at Ducrow's.
+
+And now--oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter, to
+describe the wonders of the day!--Twenty-four knights came from Ashley's
+at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolford in the
+character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a
+tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called
+ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put up when people die,) and
+underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament.
+Tagrag was in brass armor (my City connections got him that famous
+suit); his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet,
+modelled exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in “Henry V.;” a tight
+gilt jacket, which set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train
+of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided
+with pearls. Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady
+Blanche Bluenose as a Turkish princess. An alderman of London and his
+lady; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon;
+several Polish noblemen; two Italian counts (besides our Count);
+one hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in full
+uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B.,
+and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing Establishment, and fourteen
+young ladies, all in white: the Reverend Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine
+young gentlemen, of the first families, under his charge--were SOME
+only of the company. I leave you to fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for
+fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They wanted me to have
+mounted again, but my hunting-day had been sufficient; besides, I ain't
+big enough for a real knight: so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening
+the Tournament--and I knew it was in vain to resist--the Baron and
+Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with safety,
+if I came off at all. They had procured from the Strand Theatre a famous
+stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been trained for the use of
+the great Lord Bateman. I did not know exactly what they were till they
+arrived; but as they had belonged to a lord, I thought it was all right,
+and consented; and I found it the best sort of riding, after all, to
+appear to be on horseback and walk safely a-foot at the same time;
+and it was impossible to come down as long as I kept on my own legs:
+besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I liked,
+without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the
+Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in
+blue and gold: I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost
+wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet
+and breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at
+the time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each
+other, till, prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat
+behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same
+time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone. “This was sufficient,” they
+said, “for the laws of chivalry;” and I was glad to get off so.
+
+After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven,
+in complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the ring; and the
+Baron was far, far the most skilful.
+
+“How sweetly the dear Baron rides,” said my wife, who was always ogling
+at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. “I say,
+Sam,” says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course,
+they came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called
+it:--“I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that chap in harmer mustn't have been
+one of hus.” And this only made Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is,
+the Baron had chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her
+mother.
+
+The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him
+the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he
+receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet
+mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of
+the lists; then galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated,
+he begged her to place it on his helmet. The poor girl blushed very
+much, and did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up,
+and, laying his hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his
+ear, which made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off
+violently. “Chacun pour soi,” says he, “Monsieur de Taguerague,”--which
+means, I am told, “Every man for himself.” And then he rode away,
+throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse caper
+and prance, to the admiration of all beholders.
+
+After this came the “Passage of Arms.” Tagrag and the Baron ran courses
+against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece; whereupon the
+other three refused to turn out; and preciously we laughed at them, to
+be sure!
+
+“Now, it's OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT,” says Tagrag, shaking his fist at the
+Baron: “look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter,
+I'll do my best!” And before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite
+bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away,
+spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed; in
+vain I threw down my truncheon: they had broken two poles before I could
+say “Jack Robinson,” and were driving at each other with the two new
+ones. The Baron had the worst of the first course, for he had almost
+been carried out of his saddle. “Hark you, Chicot!” screamed out Tagrag,
+“next time look to your head!” And next time, sure enough, each aimed at
+the head of the other.
+
+Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's
+helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer
+still--his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground
+like a stone.
+
+“He's won! he's won!” says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann
+fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I
+should drop. All the company were in an uproar: only the Baron looked
+calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy; when,
+all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man springing over the barrier, and
+followed by three more, rushed towards the Baron. “Keep the gate, Bob!”
+ he holloas out. “Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison,
+for--”
+
+But he never said for what; shouting out, “Aha!” and “Sapprrrristie!”
+ and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into
+his horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before another word.
+He had threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr.
+Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him; and when we took up the
+bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water,
+he told us all. “I had a writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't
+vant to shpoil shport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey
+knocked off his shteel cap!”
+
+*****
+
+Here was a pretty business!
+
+
+OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED.
+
+
+We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville:
+but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor
+Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and
+the Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and silk
+stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend in Pickwick; we, having employed
+the gentlemen from Astley's Antitheatre, had some decent sport for our
+money.
+
+We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself
+by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb,
+the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My
+sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and
+a sad thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no
+more minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of
+muffins across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea.
+
+Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was
+the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at
+Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good,
+and declared that she should die unless she went to the seaside in
+France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to
+resist her as to resist her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; so
+I told the people to pack up the things, and took four places on board
+the “Grand Turk” steamer for Boulogne.
+
+The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my
+carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before;
+and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was
+the--but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the other
+carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants, and
+fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear
+girl in the journey.
+
+The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we
+saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St.
+Bartholomew;--why erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is in
+Smithfield;--we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House,
+where we saw the two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of
+the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt
+melancholy, for we were going among a people of swindlers, as all
+Frenchmen are thought to be; and, besides not being able to speak the
+language, leaving our own dear country and honest countrymen.
+
+Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest
+civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor; ay, and your
+honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. I
+somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away. “Here, my fine
+fellow,” says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful,
+holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other--“Here,
+my fine chap,” says I, “here's six shillings for you;” for I did not
+care for the money.
+
+“Six what?” says he.
+
+“Six shillings, fellow,” shrieks Jemmy, “and twice as much as your
+fare.”
+
+“Feller, marm!” says this insolent coachman. “Feller yourself, marm: do
+you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and
+bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps for six
+hog?” And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it,
+and doubling his fist put it so very near my nose that I really thought
+he would have made it bleed. “My fare's heighteen shillings,” says he,
+“hain't it?--hask hany of these gentlemen.”
+
+“Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six,” says one of the fourteen
+porters; “but if the gen'l'man IS a gen'l'man, he can't give no less
+than a suffering anyhow.”
+
+I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, “Holloa!” says
+one. “What's the row?” says another. “Come, dub up!” roars a third. And
+I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that
+I took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had
+disappeared by this time: they always do when there's a robbery or a row
+going on.
+
+I was going after them. “Stop, Mr. Ferguson,” pipes a young gentleman of
+about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles,
+and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together. “Stop,
+Mr. Heff,” says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, “and don't
+forgit the cabman.”
+
+“What's your fare, my lad?” says I.
+
+“Why, let's see--yes--ho!--my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpence
+eggs--acly.”
+
+The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed
+very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was,
+I thought, the hackney-coachman. “Why, YOU rascal!” says Jemmy, laying
+hold of the boy, “do you want more than the coachman?”
+
+“Don't rascal ME, marm!” shrieks the little chap in return. “What's the
+coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like; vy
+don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I to
+come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place,
+and not git my fare, marm? Come, give me a suffering and a half, and
+don't keep my hoss avaiting all day.” This speech, which takes some time
+to write down, was made in about the fifth part of a second; and, at
+the end of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing
+towards Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight.
+
+My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor,
+and fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called “Policeman!” but a
+policeman won't interfere in Thames Street; robbery is licensed there.
+What was I to do? Oh! my heart beats with paternal gratitude when I
+think of what my Tug did!
+
+As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting attitude,
+Master Tuggeridge Coxe--who had been standing by laughing very rudely,
+I thought--Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket suddenly into
+his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start and recovered her
+a little), and, before we could say a word was in the ring in which we
+stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I don't know
+how many newspaper-boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling
+about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red
+waistcoat, who brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the
+enemy, was engaged in an instant.
+
+But la bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; and
+MILLED away one, two, right and left--like a little hero as he is, with
+all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came a crack which sent a
+long dusky white hat--that looked damp and deep like a well, and had
+a long black crape-rag twisted round it--first came a crack which sent
+this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab and scattered among the
+crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,--such as
+a ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little
+warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c.
+
+The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no
+time: another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third, which hit
+him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the
+ground.
+
+“Brayvo, my lord!” shouted all the people around.
+
+“I won't have no more, thank yer,” said the little cabman, gathering
+himself up. “Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?”
+
+“What's your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?” says Tug.
+
+“Vy, then, two-and-eightpence,” says he. “Go along,--you KNOW it is!”
+ and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and
+hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. We heard the
+packet-bell ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in time.
+
+I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very nearly
+so, in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and Jemimarann, and Tug,
+and the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came
+to my turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a PLANK, but
+seldom of their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the
+vessel rode off a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the
+water. You might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it
+rung in my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving
+her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of
+my beaver-hat--though I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:--I
+floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just
+then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waistband of my whites, and
+found myself hauled up in the air at the end of a boat-hook, to the
+sound of “Yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!” and so I was dragged aboard. I
+was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very
+considerable quantity of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my
+inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state.
+
+
+NOTICE TO QUIT.
+
+
+Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right
+and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there;
+and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a
+lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said,
+he possessed a magnificent ---- hotel he called it;--and I remember
+Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea; but hotel, we found
+afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need
+I describe the road from Boulogne to Paris? or need I describe that
+Capitol itself? Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there,
+at “Murisse's Hotel,” as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw
+everything worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed
+me, to be sure; but, when you're on a pleasure-party in a foreign
+country, you must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort.
+
+Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of
+trees, which--I don't know why--is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian
+Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but
+mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this
+Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a tent where, during the
+summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with his horses and
+things. As everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the
+thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go too; and go we did.
+
+It's just like Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who
+goes round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there are a
+dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, Dihannas,
+Sultannas, Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There's the fat man, who
+comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the
+living skeleton! There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that
+dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear
+country.
+
+My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking
+at her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any
+knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it),
+when there came in, presently, “the great Polish act of the Sarmatian
+horse-tamer, on eight steeds,” which we were all of us longing to see.
+The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of
+his horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You
+couldn't see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and
+applauded like mad. Presently, you saw there were only three horses in
+front: he had slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and
+it was clear that the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any
+more. The people applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and
+eight were made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and
+out, with the others, so that you did not know which was which, the
+house, I thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian
+horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the
+music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring; bending,
+smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his heart,
+just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But fancy our astonishment
+when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming round with his four
+pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, gave a start, and a--hupp!
+which made all his horses stop stock-still at an instant.
+
+“Albert!” screamed my dear Jemmy: “Albert! Bahbahbah--baron!” The
+Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels, three
+times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight.
+
+It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER!
+
+Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; but
+we heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and
+had run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr.
+Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree
+with him; and we saw the last of him as he sprung over the barriers at
+the Tuggeridgeville tournament.
+
+“Well, Jemimarann,” says Jemmy, in a fury, “you shall marry Tagrag;
+and if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a
+baronet's lady.” Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was of no use
+to remonstrate.
+
+Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever to
+go back to London: for what should we hear, but that that monster,
+Tuggeridge, of the City--old Tug's black son, forsooth!--was going to
+contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I don't know how
+many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we set off immediately,
+and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same “Grand Turk”
+ which had brought us to France.
+
+If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on
+Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often
+not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless
+us! I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on
+a paddle-box, roaring out, “Ease her! Stop her!” and the poor servants,
+who are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;--breakfast,
+lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;--for layers upon layers of travellers,
+as it were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those
+unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little did
+we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and little were we
+prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridgeville
+property.
+
+Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man
+of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off
+to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of
+going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates, we found
+a crowd assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridige on
+horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man
+of business, and many more. “Mr. Scapgoat,” says Tuggeridge, grinning,
+and handing him over a sealed paper, “here's the lease; I leave you in
+possession, and wish you good morning.”
+
+“In possession of what?” says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville,
+leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she
+called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland
+Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was
+his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told
+him to quit the house. Since then there had been law squabbles between
+us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations.
+
+“Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam,” roars he, “left me
+by my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and
+know as well as I do.”
+
+“Old Tug left no will,” shrieked Jemmy; “he didn't die to leave his
+estates to blackamoors--to negroes--to base-born mulatto story-tellers;
+if he did may I be -----”
+
+“Oh, hush! dearest mamma,” says Jemimarann. “Go it again, mother!” says
+Tug, who is always sniggering.
+
+“What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?” cried Tagrag (who was the only
+one of our party that had his senses). “What is this will?”
+
+“Oh, it's merely a matter of form,” said the lawyer, riding up. “For
+heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and
+Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people
+are here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will
+follow, of course.”
+
+“Who has taken possession of this here property?” roars Jemmy, again.
+
+“My friend Mr. Scapgoat,” said the lawyer.--Mr. Scapgoat grinned.
+
+“Mr. Scapgoat,” said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a
+woman of no small spirit), “if you don't leave this ground I'll have
+you pushed out with pitchforks, I will--you and your beggarly blackamoor
+yonder.” And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a stable fork
+into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, armed with
+a rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their heels, and I
+hurrahed for joy to see such villany so properly treated.
+
+“That's sufficient, ain't it?” said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air
+in the world. “Oh, completely,” said the lawyer. “Mr. Tuggeridge, we've
+ten miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant.” And the whole
+posse of them rode away.
+
+
+LAW LIFE ASSURANCE.
+
+
+We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from
+Higgs, in London--which begun, “Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of
+Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said county, was
+attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and
+arms, he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John
+Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which
+is not yet expired, and ejected him.” And it went on to say that “we,
+with force of arms, viz, with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected
+him.” Was there ever such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand
+in defence of our own; and isn't it a sin that we should have been
+turned out of our rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea?
+
+Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would you
+believe it?--they told us to give up possession at once, as a will
+was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused
+their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will: she
+pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; and believes,
+to this day, that the story of its having been made thirty years ago,
+in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's papers, and found there, and
+brought to England, after a search made by order of Tuggeridge junior,
+is a scandalous falsehood.
+
+Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? What
+shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed
+of the wig he sits in? What of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, who exerted their
+eloquence against justice and the poor? On our side, too, was no less
+a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the honor of the
+British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too: for he actually
+threw up his case! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his junior--and to
+whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks--all might have been well. I
+never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for
+the first time in that court, said, “Standing here upon the pidestal of
+secred Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict;
+having before me a vinnerable judge, and an enlightened jury--the
+counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor man's priceless
+palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must the blush bejew
+my cheek--” (somebody cried out, “O CHEEKS!” In the court there was a
+dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was established, Mr.
+Mulligan continued:)--“My lard, I heed them not; I come from a counthry
+accustomed to opprission, and as that counthry--yes, my lard, THAT
+IRELAND--(do not laugh, I am proud of it)--is ever, in spite of her
+tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful: my client's cause, likewise,
+will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility--I repeat, the MALIGNANT
+IMBECILITY--of those who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth,
+in my client's name, in my counthry's--ay, and MY OWN--I, with folded
+arrums, hurl a scarnful and eternal defiance!”
+
+“For heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan”--(“MULLIGAN, ME LARD,” cried my
+defender)--“Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief.”
+
+Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed
+with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the
+situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge
+the elder gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my
+wife; the state of Ireland; the original and virtuous poverty of the
+Coxes--from which he glanced passionately, for a few minutes (until the
+judge stopped him), to the poverty of his own country; my excellence as
+a husband, father, landlord; my wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All
+was in vain--the trial went against us. I was soon taken in execution
+for the damages; five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as
+much more of Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get
+me out of a much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that
+along with the land went the house in town, and the money in the funds.
+Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all. And when I was in
+prison, who do you think would come and see me? None of the Barons, nor
+Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill
+our house, and eat and drink at our expense,--not even the ungrateful
+Tagrag!
+
+I could not help now saying to my dear wife, “See, my love, we have been
+gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it.
+In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody
+laughed at us.”
+
+“Yes, and recollect how ill they made you,” cries my daughter.
+
+“We asked great company, and they insulted us.”
+
+“And spoilt mamma's temper,” said Jemimarann.
+
+“Hush! Miss,” said her mother; “we don't want YOUR advice.”
+
+“Then you must make a country gentleman of me.”
+
+“And send Pa into dunghills,” roared Tug.
+
+“Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts.”
+
+“Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them,” cries my
+little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy.
+
+“And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine
+school.”
+
+“And I give you my word,” says Tug, “I'm as ignorant a chap as ever
+lived.”
+
+“You're an insolent saucebox,” says Jemmy; “you've learned that at your
+fine school.”
+
+“I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't,”
+ grumbles Tug.
+
+“You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a
+swindler.”
+
+“And drive off poor Orlando,” whimpered my girl.
+
+“Silence! Miss,” says Jemmy, fiercely.
+
+“You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me
+into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never can help us
+after all your bad language.” I said all this very smartly; for the fact
+is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl
+soundly.
+
+“Oh! Sammy,” said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite
+broken), “it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've
+punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so,
+so repent them!” Here Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung
+herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten
+minutes together. Even Tug looked queer: and as for me, it's a most
+extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable didn't
+make me quite happy.--I don't think, for the whole twelve months of
+our good fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the
+Fleet, where I was locked up.
+
+Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never
+taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so
+cruelly that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now.
+He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and
+he used to take home Jemmy's fronts and dress them for her; and when
+locking-up time came, he used to see the ladies home to their little
+three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. “Can
+the bird forget its nest?” Orlando used to say (he was a romantic
+young fellow, that's the truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron
+incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann). “Can the bird, let
+loose in eastern climes, forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember
+its beloved bulbul?--Ah, no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I
+hope to die--a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered
+your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your
+house, your furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty
+shaving customers, to me? Are these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if
+she would allow me to call her so. Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me
+in the workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I
+never, never shall be different!” When he had said this, Orlando was so
+much affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room.
+
+Then Jemimarann began to cry too. “Oh, Pa!” said she, “isn't he--isn't
+he a nice young man?”
+
+“I'm HANGED if he ain't,” says Tug. “What do you think of his giving me
+eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water for Mimarann?”
+
+“He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate,” says
+Jemmy.
+
+“What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than give
+Tuggeridge the chance.”
+
+
+FAMILY BUSTLE.
+
+
+Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in
+prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves;
+and were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings toward
+him, and he actually wrote to me to say--
+
+
+“SIR,--I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do
+not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims
+which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my
+father's estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my
+father's papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with
+perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs.
+For this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself
+(who acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a will, in India,
+proved MY just claims, you must remember how they were met, and the
+vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them.
+
+“I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more
+fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will
+give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you
+shall find one to suit you.
+
+“I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. You
+have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to try
+his fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an
+appointment; and am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+“JOHN TUGGERIDGE”
+
+
+It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and
+looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it.
+
+“I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any
+rate,” cries Jemmy. “There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a
+whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him.”
+
+“Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them
+things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!”
+ And so she sailed out.
+
+Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been in
+misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when
+he heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando.
+“Ah, I suppose you'll forget me now?” says he with a sigh; and seemed
+the only unhappy person in company.
+
+“Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump,” says my wife, with a great deal of
+dignity, “that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work--”
+
+“Woman!” cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way),
+“hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us
+hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando,
+if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you'll take five
+hundred pounds for a half-share of the shop, they're yours; and THAT'S
+for you, Mrs. Cox.”
+
+And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop,
+where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder,
+plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and
+Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all
+day long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the
+bridal-dresses: for the wedding is to take place the day after
+to-morrow. I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and as
+for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all
+his Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of our friends and
+neighbors, to celebrate our reappearance among them; and very merry we
+all were. We had a capital fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy
+hour this morning. We begun with quadrills, but I never could do 'em
+well; and after that, to please Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a
+gallopard, which I found anything but easy: for since I am come back to
+a life of peace and comfort, it's astonishing how stout I'm getting. So
+we turned at once to what Jemmy and me excels in--a country dance; which
+is rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town life. As for
+young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox says is
+very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the sea. But stop!
+here comes in the punchbowls; and if we are not happy, who is? I say I
+am like the Swish people, for I can't flourish out of my native HAIR.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray
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diff --git a/2675-0.zip b/2675-0.zip
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+
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+   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <title>
+      Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+
+    body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; }
+    hr  { width: 50%; text-align: center;}
+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
+    blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    .mynote    {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
+    div.fig    { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; }
+    div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; }
+    .figleft   {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;}
+    .figright  {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;}
+    .pagenum   {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal;
+               margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%;
+               text-align: right;}
+    pre        { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}
+
+</style>
+  </head>
+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Burlesques
+
+Author: William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+Release Date: May 21, 2006 [EBook #2675]
+Last Updated: March 5, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h1>
+      BURLESQUES
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      By William Makepeace Thackeray
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <blockquote>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> <big><b>NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.</b></big>
+        </a><br /> <br /><br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> GEORGE DE BARNWELL </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> CODLINGSBY. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> PHIL FOGARTY. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> BARBAZURE. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> LORDS AND LIVERIES. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> CRINOLINE. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> THE STARS AND STRIPES. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> <big><b>THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA
+        PLUCHE, ESQ.,</b></big> </a><br /> <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> <big><b>THE
+        TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.</b></big> </a><br /> <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER VIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER IX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br /><br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> <big><b>A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.</b></big> </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER VIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER IX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER X. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br /> <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> <big><b>REBECCA AND ROWENA.</b></big> </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br /><br /> <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> <big><b>THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH
+        REVOLUTION.</b></big> </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER I. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER II. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER III. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER IV. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER V. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0038"> CHAPTER VI. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0039"> CHAPTER VII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0040"> CHAPTER VIII. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2HCH0041"> CHAPTER IX. </a>
+      </p>
+      <p>
+        <br /> <br />
+      </p>
+      <p class="toc">
+        <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> <big><b>COX'S DIARY.</b></big> </a>
+      </p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <h1>
+      NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
+    </h1>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      GEORGE DE BARNWELL
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      BY SIR E. L. B. L., BART.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      VOL I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their
+      offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, He is eternal. He has his
+      Mother's ravishing smile; his Father's steadfast eyes. He rises every day,
+      fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever young.
+      Dark, dark were this world of ours had either Divinity left it&mdash;dark
+      without the day-beams of the Latonian Charioteer, darker yet without the
+      daedal Smile of the God of the Other Bow! Dost know him, reader?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Old is he, Eros, the ever young. He and Time were children together.
+      Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable. Brightest of the
+      Divinities, where hast thou not been sung? Other worships pass away; the
+      idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling and almost
+      nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes no longer rise among the
+      quivering olive-groves of Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets of the
+      amethyst Aegean! These are gone, but thou remainest. There is still a
+      garland for thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah, many a
+      darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless One, and
+      the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries from the
+      bleeding hearts of men!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing? In Kingly and
+      Heroic ages, 'twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake. But in these,
+      our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The people
+      To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of old did the
+      sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate of the crowned Agamemnon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? Fate, Passion,
+      Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the Furies that
+      tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us Still? are not these
+      still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of his palette? the chords of
+      his lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale&mdash;not of Kings&mdash;but of Men&mdash;not
+      of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief, and Crime. Listen, and but once more.
+      'Tis for the last time (probably) these fingers shall sweep the strings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      E. L. B. L. NOONDAY IN CHEPE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      'Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty River City!&mdash;its
+      banks wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man! The
+      toppling wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded
+      equipage of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger vehicle from the
+      green metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of our Babylon), in which
+      every traveller might, for a modest remuneration, take a republican seat;
+      the mercenary caroche, with its private freight; the brisk curricle of the
+      letter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet: these and a thousand others were
+      laboring and pressing onward, and locked and bound and hustling together
+      in the narrow channel of Chepe. The imprecations of the charioteers were
+      terrible. From the noble's broidered hammer-cloth, or the driving-seat of
+      the common coach, each driver assailed the other with floods of ribald
+      satire. The pavid matron within the one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for
+      her semestrial pittance) shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening
+      to his office (to add another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over
+      the blazoned panels, and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his
+      very Menials could not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they gayly
+      threaded the Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of
+      the scene, and exacerbated the already furious combatants by their
+      poignant infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as he regarded the hot
+      strife and struggle of these Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with
+      a sigh of the Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and
+      serene.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      'Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. The flaunting windows
+      of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering panes behind
+      which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to
+      pause: although only noon, the savory odors of the Cook Shops tempted the
+      over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to the fragrant potage that
+      mocks the turtle's flavor&mdash;the turtle! O dapibus suprimi grata
+      testudo Jovis! I am an Alderman when I think of thee! Well: it was noon in
+      Chepe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But were all battling for gain there? Among the many brilliant shops whose
+      casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century back (about which
+      period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce. A rudely
+      carved image of a negro, with a fantastic plume and apron of variegated
+      feathers, decorated the lintel. The East and West had sent their
+      contributions to replenish the window.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of swarthy
+      sugar marked &ldquo;ONLY 6 1/2d.&rdquo;&mdash;That catty box, on which was the
+      epigraph &ldquo;STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d,&rdquo; was from the country of
+      Confutzee&mdash;that heap of dark produce bore the legend &ldquo;TRY OUR REAL
+      NUT&rdquo;&mdash;'Twas Cocoa&mdash;and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has
+      refreshed the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher. The shop in
+      question was, in a word, a Grocer's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to judge
+      from his appearance (though 'twas a difficult task, as, in sooth, his back
+      was turned), had just reached that happy period of life when the Boy is
+      expanding into the Man. O Youth, Youth! Happy and Beautiful! O fresh and
+      roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet lies on the flowers, ere they have
+      been scorched and withered by Passion's fiery Sun! Immersed in thought or
+      study, and indifferent to the din around him, sat the boy. A careless
+      guardian was he of the treasures confided to him. The crowd passed in
+      Chepe; he never marked it. The sun shone on Chepe; he only asked that it
+      should illumine the page he read. The knave might filch his treasures; he
+      was heedless of the knave. The customer might enter; but his book was all
+      in all to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the counter
+      with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing at the boy,
+      admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the homely and tightened
+      garments he wore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ahem! sir! I say, young man!&rdquo; the customer exclaimed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ton d'apameibomenos prosephe,&rdquo; read on the student, his voice choked with
+      emotion. &ldquo;What language!&rdquo; he said; &ldquo;how rich, how noble, how sonorous!
+      prosephe podas&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery, that
+      the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for the first
+      time remarked her. &ldquo;A pretty grocer's boy you are,&rdquo; she cried, &ldquo;with your
+      applepiebomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kept waiting for
+      hever?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Pardon, fair Maiden,&rdquo; said he, with high-bred courtesy: &ldquo;'twas not French
+      I read, 'twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard. In what can I be
+      serviceable to ye, lady?&rdquo; and to spring from his desk, to smooth his
+      apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no more, was
+      the work of a moment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I might have prigged this box of figs,&rdquo; the damsel said good-naturedly,
+      &ldquo;and you'd never have turned round.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They came from the country of Hector,&rdquo; the boy said. &ldquo;Would you have
+      currants, lady? These once bloomed in the island gardens of the blue
+      Aegean. They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is low; they're
+      fourpence-halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our teas? We do
+      not advertise, as some folks do: but sell as low as any other house.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You're precious young to have all these good things,&rdquo; the girl exclaimed,
+      not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation. &ldquo;If I was you, and
+      stood behind the counter, I should be eating figs the whole day long.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Time was,&rdquo; answered the lad, &ldquo;and not long since I thought so too. I
+      thought I never should be tired of figs. But my old uncle bade me take my
+      fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I think you gentlemen are always so,&rdquo; the coquette said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nay, say not so, fair stranger!&rdquo; the youth replied, his face kindling as
+      he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire. &ldquo;Figs pall; but oh! the
+      Beautiful never does. Figs rot; but oh! the Truthful is eternal. I was
+      born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for
+      the Visionary. I stand behind the counter, it is true; but I ponder here
+      upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages. What is
+      grocery for one who has ambition? What sweetness hath Muscovada to him who
+      hath tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true Real,
+      and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination. But pardon me; with what
+      may I serve thee?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I came only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust,&rdquo; the girl said, with a
+      faltering voice; &ldquo;but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for ever!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust? Girl, thou camest for other things!
+      Thou lovedst his voice? Siren! what was the witchery of thine own? He
+      deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the little hand. She paid for
+      her small purchase, and with a farewell glance of her lustrous eyes, she
+      left him. She passed slowly through the portal, and in a moment was lost
+      in the crowd. It was noon in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was alone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Vol. II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to
+      anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which most
+      readers are familiar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the tale is
+      briefly thus:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer's shop in
+      Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs, half a dozen
+      times in the week.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal attachment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom swells with ambition. His
+      genius breaks out prodigiously. He talks about the Good, the Beautiful,
+      the Ideal, &amp;c., in and out of all season, and is virtuous and eloquent
+      almost beyond belief&mdash;in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford, or E.
+      Aram, Esquires.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in the
+      world which he is destined to ornament. He outdoes all the dandies, all
+      the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries of the age&mdash;an
+      indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and George II.&mdash;dines
+      with Curll at St. John's Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel behind
+      Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the Chevalier St.
+      George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and
+      likewise in disguise at the shop in Cheapside.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very little
+      taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business to the
+      pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble Barnwells came.
+      George's cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret passion for
+      him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant little
+      chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to present an
+      age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and correct as that in
+      the &ldquo;Last of the Barons,&rdquo; or in &ldquo;Eugene Aram,&rdquo; or other works of our
+      author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True and Beautiful, are
+      united.
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      BUTTON'S IN PALL MALL.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence which
+      society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall Mall, and
+      which, because they knock you down with their dulness, are called Clubs no
+      doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James's Street, at a
+      half-score of other dandies gaping from another bay-window over the way;
+      those who consult a dreary evening paper for news, or satisfy themselves
+      with the jokes of the miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town of
+      the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some six or
+      eight score years back. Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St. James's
+      Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy suffocating
+      waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the same quarter?
+      The Brougham from which thou descendest at the portal of the &ldquo;Carlton&rdquo; or
+      the &ldquo;Travellers',&rdquo; is like everybody else's; thy black coat has no more
+      plaits, nor buttons, nor fancy in it than thy neighbor's; thy hat was made
+      on the very block on which Lord Addlepate's was cast, who has just entered
+      the Club before thee. You and he yawn together out of the same omnibus-box
+      every night; you fancy yourselves men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves
+      men of fashion; you fancy yourselves men of taste; in fancy, in taste, in
+      opinion, in philosophy, the newspaper legislates for you; it is there you
+      get your jokes and your thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom&mdash;poor
+      Pall Mall dullards. Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you
+      at present occupy, there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some
+      five-and-twenty lustres ago.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We are at Button's&mdash;the well-known sign of the &ldquo;Turk's Head.&rdquo; The
+      crowd of periwigged heads at the windows&mdash;the swearing chairmen round
+      the steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the
+      lofty rank of their owners),&mdash;the throng of embroidered beaux
+      entering or departing, and rendering the air fragrant with the odors of
+      pulvillio and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort of London's Wit and
+      Fashion. It is the corner of Regent Street. Carlton House has not yet been
+      taken down.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate at one
+      of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit is likewise
+      embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A little
+      deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the Morning Chronicle newspaper
+      by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and a shovel hat and
+      cassock, is talking freely with a gentleman, whose star and ribbon, as
+      well as the unmistakable beauty of his Phidian countenance, proclaims him
+      to be a member of Britain's aristocracy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the other
+      with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating Race, are
+      gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club,
+      but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite dish,
+      the muffin (then newly invented), at the desire of some of the revellers
+      within.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I would, Sam,&rdquo; said the wild youth to his companion, &ldquo;that I had some of
+      my mother Macclesfield's gold, to enable us to eat of those cates and
+      mingle with yon springalds and beaux.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy,&rdquo; said the youth addressed
+      as Sam, &ldquo;might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the cheek of the
+      parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life when History fortifies
+      endurance: and past study renders present deprivation more bearable. If
+      our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution, Dick, supply the
+      deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we desire to-day would little benefit
+      us to-morrow. Poor and hungry as we are, are we less happy, Dick, than yon
+      listless voluptuary who banquets on the food which you covet?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the &ldquo;Parthenon&rdquo;
+       Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel at a neighboring
+      cook's shop. Their names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meanwhile the conversation at Button's was fast and brilliant. &ldquo;By Wood's
+      thirteens, and the divvle go wid 'em,&rdquo; cried the Church dignitary in the
+      cassock, &ldquo;is it in blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir Richard, when
+      you ought to be in seebles?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who's dead, Dean?&rdquo; said the nobleman, the dean's companion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name's Jonathan Swift&mdash;and
+      I'm not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father's name?&mdash;there's
+      been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely. A child of Dick Steele's
+      has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered, and it's Joe Addison
+      yondther has done it. Ye should have killed one of your own, Joe, ye thief
+      of the world.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I!&rdquo; said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; &ldquo;I kill Dick's
+      child! I was godfather to the last.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And promised a cup and never sent it,&rdquo; Dick ejaculated. Joseph looked
+      grave.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet. What made
+      ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? The whole town is in tears about the good
+      knight; all the ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning; all the
+      booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the copies of the
+      Spectator are sold since the death of the brave old gentleman.&rdquo; And the
+      Dean of St. Patrick's pulled out the Spectator newspaper, containing the
+      well-known passage regarding Sir Roger's death. &ldquo;I bought it but now in
+      'Wellington Street,'&rdquo; he said; &ldquo;the newsboys were howling all down the
+      Strand.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What a miracle is Genius&mdash;Genius, the Divine and Beautiful,&rdquo; said a
+      gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed cavalier in
+      iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in fact Mr. Alexander
+      Pope. &ldquo;What a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege of Art! To make
+      the Ideal more credible than the Actual: to enchain our hearts, to command
+      our hopes, our regrets, our tears, for a mere brain-born Emanation: to
+      invest with life the Incorporeal, and to glamour the cloudy into
+      substance,&mdash;these are the lofty privileges of the Poet, if I have
+      read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the sounds that rang from
+      Homer's lyre, as with the strains which celebrate the loss of Belinda's
+      lovely locks&rdquo;&mdash;(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly delighted)&mdash;&ldquo;these,
+      I say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet&mdash;the Poietes&mdash;the
+      Maker&mdash;he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot charm
+      death into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty out of
+      Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal. Ho! Jemmy, another
+      flask of Nantz.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And the boy&mdash;for he who addressed the most brilliant company of wits
+      in Europe was little more&mdash;emptied the contents of the brandy-flask
+      into a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of the company
+      assembled. 'Twas the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently, and
+      with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee-house, and
+      was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past the National Gallery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe Addison himself, in
+      drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the three kingdoms,&rdquo; Dick
+      Steele said, good-naturedly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard,&rdquo; the
+      Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed. &ldquo;He is the author of that famous
+      No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the credit.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The rascal foiled me at capping verses,&rdquo; Dean Swift said, &ldquo;and won a
+      tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He has suggested an emendation in my 'Homer,' which proves him a delicate
+      scholar,&rdquo; Mr. Pope exclaimed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and we
+      must have an eye upon him,&rdquo; said Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of State
+      for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who was
+      drinking at a side-table, whispered to him something.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all the wits
+      of London with admiration? His galloping charger had returned to the City;
+      his splendid court-suit was doffed for the citizen's gabardine and
+      grocer's humble apron.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George de Barnwell was in Chepe&mdash;in Chepe, at the feet of Martha
+      Millwood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      VOL III. THE CONDEMNED CELL.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor? Nay,&rdquo; George added, a
+      faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, &ldquo;why speak to thee in
+      the accents of the Roman poet, which thou comprehendest not? Bright One,
+      there be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth,
+      this Heart on which thou leanest, which are equally unintelligible to
+      thee! Yes, my pretty one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what
+      is the Ideal but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And
+      the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders by
+      the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck before that
+      Azure Mystery.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Emily's eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew. &ldquo;Speak on, speak ever thus, my
+      George,&rdquo; she exclaimed. Barnwell's chains rattled as the confiding girl
+      clung to him. Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed to sit with the
+      Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate language, and also
+      burst into tears.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You weep, my Snoggin,&rdquo; the Boy said; &ldquo;and why? Hath Life been so charming
+      to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no after-Weariness?
+      Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory no Mockery? Psha! I am
+      sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine and Wit, and&mdash;nay,
+      start not, my Adelaide&mdash;and Woman. I fling away all these things as
+      the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul's Nursery. I am a Man, and pine for
+      the Illimitable! Mark you me! Has the Morrow any terrors for me, think ye?
+      Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca blench in his bath? Did
+      Brutus shirk the sword when his great stake was lost? Did even weak
+      Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent's fatal nip? And why should I? My great
+      Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit. Lie sheathed in my heart,
+      thou flashing Blade! Welcome to my Bosom, thou faithful Serpent; I hug
+      thee, peace-bearing Image of the Eternal! Ha, the hemlock cup! Fill high,
+      boy, for my soul is thirsty for the Infinite! Get ready the bath, friends;
+      prepare me for the feast To-morrow&mdash;bathe my limbs in odors, and put
+      ointment in my hair.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Has for a bath,&rdquo; Snoggin interposed, &ldquo;they're not to be 'ad in this ward
+      of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little hoil for your
+      'air.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. &ldquo;My guardian understands me
+      not, pretty one&mdash;and thou? what sayest thou? From those dear lips
+      methinks&mdash;plura sunt oscula quam sententiae&mdash;I kiss away thy
+      tears, dove!&mdash;they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will
+      dry, and presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they have
+      beamed on poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not all forget him, sweet
+      one. He was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for all the world
+      said&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That, that he had,&rdquo; cried the gaoler and the girl in voices gurgling with
+      emotion. And you who read! you unconvicted Convict&mdash;you murderer,
+      though haply you have slain no one&mdash;you Felon in posse if not in esse&mdash;deal
+      gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has failed thee&mdash;and
+      believe that the Truthful and the Beautiful bloom sometimes in the dock
+      and the convict's tawny Gabardine!
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought to
+      acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. &ldquo;It may be an error of
+      judgment,&rdquo; he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol, &ldquo;but it is no
+      crime. Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no remorse,
+      Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry: therefore, I am innocent. Is the
+      proposition a fair one?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow,&rdquo; the Boy resumed, &ldquo;for ridding
+      the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was dross, and who
+      never had a feeling for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I stood
+      before my uncle in the moonlight, in the gardens of the ancestral halls of
+      the De Barnwells, I felt that it was the Nemesis come to overthrow him.
+      'Dog,' I said to the trembling slave, 'tell me where thy Gold is. THOU
+      hast no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the Poverty on which thou
+      tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest not; in uplifting Art, to
+      which thou art blind. Give Gold, and thou art free.' But he spake not, and
+      I slew him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated,&rdquo; said the admirable
+      chaplain, &ldquo;for its general practice might chance to do harm. Thou, my son,
+      the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and Beloved, the Poet and Sage, urged
+      by what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast appeared as Avenger.
+      Think what would be the world's condition, were men without any Yearning
+      after the Ideal to attempt to reorganize Society, to redistribute
+      Property, to avenge Wrong.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven,&rdquo; said the noble though misguided
+      young Prisoner. &ldquo;Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, indeed, my brave youth!&rdquo; the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed,
+      clasping the Prisoner's marble and manacled hand; &ldquo;and the Tragedy of
+      To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted even
+      to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal and the
+      Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Real likewise.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Look! here is supper!&rdquo; cried Barnwell gayly. &ldquo;This is the Real, Doctor;
+      let us respect it and fall to.&rdquo; He partook of the meal as joyously as if
+      it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could
+      scarcely eat it for tears.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is
+     expressed much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of
+     Eugene Aram:&mdash;&ldquo;The burning desires I have known&mdash;the
+     resplendent visions I have nursed&mdash;the sublime aspirings
+     that have lifted me so often from sense and clay: these tell
+     me, that whether for good or ill, I am the thing of an
+     immortality and the creature of a God. . . .  I have
+     destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by
+     which he afflicted society, I have been the means of
+     blessing many.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CODLINGSBY.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      BY D. SHREWSBERRY, ESQ.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The whole world is bound by one chain. In every city in the globe there
+      is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize from its
+      likeness to its brother district in all other places where are congregated
+      the habitations of men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or New York, or
+      Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where a certain man is
+      not a stranger. Where the idols are fed with incense by the streams of
+      Ching-wang-foo; where the minarets soar sparkling above the cypresses,
+      their reflections quivering in the lucid waters of the Golden Horn; where
+      the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and over imperial glories;
+      where the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the palm-trees; where the
+      Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its bridges, its graceful
+      factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes&mdash;hidden in fog and smoke by
+      the dirtiest river in the world&mdash;in all the cities of mankind there
+      is One Home whither men of one family may resort. Over the entire world
+      spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering, silent, scattered, sympathizing,
+      WAITING&mdash;an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread band was an
+      Arabian clan&mdash;a little nation alone and outlying amongst the mighty
+      monarchies of ancient time, the Megatheria of history. The sails of their
+      rare ships might be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of their
+      caravans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the
+      date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in many
+      wars, against mighty odds; but 'twas a small people, and on one dark night
+      the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian's Eagles, and in flame, and
+      death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . . Yes, the Jewish
+      city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken the world in
+      exchange?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he debouched
+      from Wych Street into the Strand. He had been to take a box for Armida at
+      Madame Vestris's theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame Vestris's
+      theatre; and her little brougham, and her little self, and her enormous
+      eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her miraculous bouquet, which
+      cost Lord Codlingsby twenty guineas every evening at Nathan's in Covent
+      Garden (the children of the gardeners of Sharon have still no rival for
+      flowers), might be seen, three nights in the week at least, in the narrow,
+      charming, comfortable little theatre. Godfrey had the box. He was
+      strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts passed through the
+      young noble's mind as he came in sight of Holywell Street.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in the
+      evening sunshine. Children were playing on the steps. Fathers were smoking
+      at the lintel. Smiling faces looked out from the various and darkling
+      draperies with which the warehouses were hung. Ringlets glossy, and curly,
+      and jetty&mdash;eyes black as night&mdash;midsummer night&mdash;when it
+      lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks of eagles&mdash;eager quivering
+      nostrils&mdash;lips curved like the bow of Love&mdash;every man or maiden,
+      every babe or matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one or
+      more of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How beautiful they are!&rdquo; mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these placid
+      groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;D'you vant to look at a nishe coat?&rdquo; a voice said, which made him start;
+      and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of Stultz's with
+      a familiarity which would have made the baron tremble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Rafael Mendoza!&rdquo; exclaimed Godfrey.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The same, Lord Codlingsby,&rdquo; the individual so apostrophized replied. &ldquo;I
+      told you we should meet again where you would little expect me. Will it
+      please you to enter? this is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices
+      my heart to welcome you home.&rdquo; So saying Rafael laid his hand on his
+      breast, and bowed, an oriental reverence. All traces of the accent with
+      which he first addressed Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise;
+      half the Hebrew's life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, since
+      the Norman boors persecuted him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies, greasy
+      spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and hideous as the
+      entrance was foul. &ldquo;THIS your home, Rafael?&rdquo; said Lord Codlingsby.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why not?&rdquo; Rafael answered. &ldquo;I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein; the
+      Rhine bores me after a while. It is too hot for Florence; besides they
+      have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place smells of putty. You
+      wouldn't have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in Normandy,
+      out of the hunting season? The Rugantino Palace stupefies me. Those
+      Titians are so gloomy, I shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I think,
+      from my house at the Hague hung over them.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you, Rafael?&rdquo;
+       Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This is one,&rdquo; Rafael answered. &ldquo;Come in.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming sullenly
+      over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary's was clanging with alarm; St.
+      Giles's tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, flights of brickbats,
+      stones shivering windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened
+      females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the enemy from
+      Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed that the battle was at its
+      height.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the cuirassiers
+      would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that infuriate mob. In
+      France they would have brought down artillery, and played on it with
+      twenty-four pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance&mdash;it
+      was a Town and Gown row.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout
+      Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the Brazenose
+      light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words arose regarding
+      the dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the boats pulled back
+      to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance between the Townsmen and the
+      University youths&mdash;their invariable opponents&mdash;grew louder and
+      more violent, until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmishing
+      took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the University gate
+      down to the broad and shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of
+      Balliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young
+      sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar of
+      the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful
+      butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great
+      University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the
+      combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a
+      narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a hundred
+      yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have a good view of
+      that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few rapid
+      strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong ahead; then he
+      would wait, surveying the race, and sending up volumes of odor from his
+      cool narghilly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who is he?&rdquo; asked the crowds who panted along the shore, encouraging,
+      according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the oarsmen in the race. Town
+      and Gown alike asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking, in a
+      barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a skill so
+      prodigious, beat their best men. No answer could be given to the query,
+      save that a gentleman in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six
+      fourgons and a courier, had arrived the day before at the &ldquo;Hoop Inn,&rdquo;
+       opposite Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the
+      individual in question.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any that ever
+      was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman. That boat&mdash;slim,
+      shining, and shooting through the water like a pike after a small fish&mdash;was
+      a caique from Tophana; it had distanced the Sultan's oarsmen and the best
+      crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus; it was the workmanship of
+      Togrul-Beg, Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The Bashee had refused fifty
+      thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the Russian Ambassador, for that
+      little marvel. When his head was taken off, the Father of Believers
+      presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the battle of
+      Nezeeb. By sending three millions of piastres to the Seraskier; by bribing
+      Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in the camp of the victorious
+      Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped&mdash;the menaced
+      empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin; the Marchioness of Stokepogis,
+      our ambassador's lady, appeared in a suite of diamonds which outblazed
+      even the Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the little caique.
+      He never travelled without it. It was scarcely heavier than an arm-chair.
+      Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the Cam that morning, and
+      Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have mentioned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed,
+      full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown was angry, the Town, too, was
+      on the alert. From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from wharf
+      and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the enemy, and their battle was
+      soon general. From the Addenbrook's hospital to the Blenheim turnpike, all
+      Cambridge was in an uproar&mdash;the college gates closed&mdash;the shops
+      barricaded&mdash;the shop-boys away in support of their brother townsmen&mdash;the
+      battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at his
+      inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university cooks to
+      entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water formed his meal.
+      In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the slighted
+      banquet. &ldquo;A breakfast! psha!&rdquo; said he. &ldquo;My good man, I have nineteen
+      cooks, at salaries rising from four hundred a year. I can have a dinner at
+      any hour; but a Town and Gown row&rdquo; (a brickbat here flying through the
+      window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza's hand)&mdash;&ldquo;a Town and
+      Gown row is a novelty to me. The Town has the best of it, clearly, though:
+      the men outnumber the lads. Ha, a good blow! How that tall townsman went
+      down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet trencher cap.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That is the Lord Codlingsby,&rdquo; the landlord said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A light weight, but a pretty fighter,&rdquo; Mendoza remarked. &ldquo;Well hit with
+      your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby; claret drawn,
+      by Jupiter!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ours is werry fine,&rdquo; the landlord said. &ldquo;Will your Highness have Chateau
+      Margaux or Lafitte?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!&rdquo; Rafael
+      exclaimed, as an enormous boatman&mdash;no other than Rullock&mdash;indeed,
+      the most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose fists the Gownsmen
+      went down like ninepins&mdash;fought his way up to the spot where, with
+      admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and one or two of his
+      friends were making head against a number of the town.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his race,
+      but was no match for the enemy's strength and weight and sinew, and went
+      down at every round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. His savage
+      treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal combat from the
+      inn-window. &ldquo;Hold your hand!&rdquo; he cried to this Goliath; &ldquo;don't you see
+      he's but a boy?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Down he goes again!&rdquo; the bargeman cried, not heeding the interruption.
+      &ldquo;Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Coward!&rdquo; shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a shower of
+      brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one of the pillars to
+      the ground, was an instant's work.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      After the coroner's inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to each of
+      the bargeman's ten children, and it was thus his first acquaintance was
+      formed with Lord Codlingsby.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell Street. Let
+      us go in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      III.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of the old
+      mansion in Holywell Street. It was a masquerade warehouse to all appearance.
+      A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing at the dark and grimy
+      counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow hoots, old stage mantles,
+      painted masks, blind and yet gazing at you with a look of sad death-like
+      intelligence from the vacancy behind their sockets.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny and
+      silver, slashed with dirty light blue. He was going to a masquerade that
+      night. He thought Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress&mdash;Polly
+      Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work&mdash;the Borough Venus, adored
+      by half the youth of Guy's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint,&rdquo; pretty Rachel said, coaxing him
+      with her beady black eyes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It IS the cheese,&rdquo; replied Mr. Lint; &ldquo;it ain't the dress that don't suit,
+      my rose of Sharon; it's the FIGURE. Hullo, Rafael, is that you, my lad of
+      sealing-wax? Come and intercede for me with this wild gazelle; she says I
+      can't have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it's too much: cuss me
+      if it's not too much, unless you'll take my little bill at two months,
+      Rafael.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There's a sweet pretty brigand's dress you may have for half de monish,&rdquo;
+       Rafael replied; &ldquo;there's a splendid clown for eight bob; but for dat
+      Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve'd ask a guinea of any
+      but you. Here's a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look 'ear, Mr.
+      Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat?&rdquo; So saying, Rafael
+      turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost gravity, and displayed to him
+      the garment about which the young medicus was haggling.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Cheap at the money,&rdquo; Codlingsby replied; &ldquo;if you won't make up your mind,
+      sir, I should like to engage it myself.&rdquo; But the thought that another
+      should appear before Polly Pattens in that costume was too much for Mr.
+      Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment. And Rafael,
+      pocketing the money with perfect simplicity, said, &ldquo;Dis vay, Mr. Brownsh:
+      dere's someting vill shoot you in the next shop.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You are surprised at our system,&rdquo; said Rafael, marking the evident
+      bewilderment of his friend. &ldquo;Confess you would call it meanness&mdash;my
+      huckstering with yonder young fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away a
+      shilling without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four men's bread:
+      shall I disdain to defile my fingers by holding them out relief in their
+      necessity? It is you who are mean&mdash;you Normans&mdash;not we of the
+      ancient race. You have your vulgar measurement for great things and small.
+      You call a thousand pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable. Psha, my
+      Codlingsby! One is as the other. I trade in pennies and in millions. I am
+      above or below neither.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of cedar, and,
+      in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the young Hebrews are
+      in the habit of vending through the streets. &ldquo;I have sold bundles and
+      bundles of these,&rdquo; said Rafael. &ldquo;My little brother is now out with oranges
+      in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be head of our house at Amsterdam.
+      We all do it. I had myself to see Rothschild in Eaton Place this morning,
+      about the Irish loan, of which I have taken three millions: and as I
+      wanted to walk, I carried the bag.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the Archbishop of
+      Croydon's daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet's, Knightsbridge, and as
+      she fancied she recognized in the man who was crying old clothes the
+      gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de St. Aulair's the night
+      before.&rdquo; Something like a blush flushed over the pale features of Mendoza
+      as he mentioned the Lady Lauda's name. &ldquo;Come on,&rdquo; said he. They passed
+      through various warehouses&mdash;the orange room, the sealing-wax room,
+      the six-bladed knife department, and finally came to an old baize door.
+      Rafael opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they were in
+      a black passage, with a curtain at the end.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew back, and
+      a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his visitor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIV.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      They entered a moderate-sized apartment&mdash;indeed, Holywell Street is
+      not above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than half
+      that length&mdash;it was fitted up with the simple taste of its owner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The carpet was of white velvet&mdash;(laid over several webs of Aubusson,
+      Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it trod
+      upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed you)&mdash;of
+      white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by
+      Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and Paul Delaroche.
+      The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and fringed with Valenciennes
+      lace and bullion. The walls were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered
+      with gold figures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses, and
+      passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The drops of dew which
+      the artificer had sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds. The hangings
+      were overhung by pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the gorgeous, Titian
+      the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of Painting), some of
+      Murillo's beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you out of darkness like a
+      star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and fifty of the master-pieces of
+      the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial genius of Urbino, covered the
+      walls of the little chamber. Divans of carved amber covered with ermine
+      went round the room, and in the midst was a fountain, pattering and
+      babbling with jets of double-distilled otto of roses.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Pipes, Goliath!&rdquo; Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver collar
+      (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); &ldquo;and welcome to our
+      snuggery, my Codlingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of the
+      house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I'm proud of my pictures. That
+      Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a gift to our father from my cousin,
+      Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie Antoinette
+      before the flight to Varennes&mdash;the poor lady could not redeem the
+      pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us. As for the Rafael, I
+      suppose you are aware that he was one of our people. But what are you
+      gazing at? Oh! my sister&mdash;I forgot. Miriam! this is the Lord
+      Codlingsby.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl
+      music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz. She rose when thus apostrophized.
+      Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives&mdash;Zillah the dark beauty;
+      Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva were
+      golden. The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were morning.
+      Codlingsby was fair&mdash;of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa&mdash;they
+      called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much fairer was Miriam the
+      Hebrew!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the delight of
+      all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at. It was of burning
+      auburn. Meandering over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand minute
+      ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue velvet fillet
+      clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued at two hundred thousand tomauns,
+      and bought from Lieutenant Vicovich, who had received it from Dost
+      Mahomed), with a simple bird of paradise, formed her head-gear. A
+      sea-green cymar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded arms
+      to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over a yellow
+      satin frock. Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and slippers of the
+      same color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but so covered with
+      pearls that the original hue of the charming little papoosh disappeared
+      entirely) completed her costume. She had three necklaces on, each of which
+      would have dowered a Princess&mdash;her fingers glistened with rings to
+      their rosy tips, and priceless bracelets, bangles, and armlets wound round
+      an arm that was whiter than the ivory grand piano on which it leaned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the solemn
+      welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the brightness of her
+      beauty. It was well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to
+      consciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recognition, he sank
+      upon a sandalwood settee, as Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic
+      coffee in cups of opal, and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the fragrant
+      Gibelly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My lord's pipe is out,&rdquo; said Miriam with a smile, remarking the
+      bewilderment of her guest&mdash;who in truth forgot to smoke&mdash;and
+      taking up a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it
+      at the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk of Lord
+      Codlingsby.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      IV.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a signal
+      from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of the ivory
+      piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he were listening at
+      the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny Lind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of
+      Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or Lewis or
+      Lyons or Lion. The beautiful and the brave alike give cognizances to the
+      ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or Rodgers,&rdquo;
+       Rafael observed to his friend; and, drawing the instrument from his
+      pocket, he accompanied his sister, in the most ravishing manner, on a
+      little gold and jewelled harp, of the kind peculiar to his nation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by composers of
+      her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca by Braham, a
+      delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on the
+      strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the heart;
+      but she sang no other than the songs of her nation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always,&rdquo; Codlingsby thought. &ldquo;I could sit
+      at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that Paradise-birds were
+      singing in the boughs.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Rafael read his thoughts. &ldquo;We have Saxon blood too in our veins,&rdquo; he said.
+      &ldquo;You smile! but it is even so. An ancestress of ours made a mesalliance in
+      the reign of your King John. Her name was Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of
+      York, and she married in Spain, whither she had fled to the Court of King
+      Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe; then a widower by the demise of his first
+      lady, Rowena. The match was deemed a cruel insult amongst our people but
+      Wilfred conformed, and was a Rabbi of some note at the synagogue of
+      Cordova. We are descended from him lineally. It is the only blot upon the
+      escutcheon of the Mendozas.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having
+      retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the soul of
+      the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers from the outer
+      apartments came in to transact business with him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers to
+      sign. &ldquo;How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is your son
+      tired of his yacht yet?&rdquo; Mendoza asked. &ldquo;That is my twenty-fourth
+      cashier,&rdquo; said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went away.
+      &ldquo;He is fond of display, and all my people may have what money they like.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his mortgage. The
+      Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a haughty air, shrank
+      back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding the magnificence around
+      him. &ldquo;Little Mordecai,&rdquo; said Rafael to a little orange-boy, who came in at
+      the heels of the noble, &ldquo;take this gentleman out and let him have ten
+      thousand pounds. I can't do more for you, my lord, than this&mdash;I'm
+      busy. Good-by!&rdquo; And Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking
+      his narghilly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache, came
+      next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily upon his
+      high-heeled boots. &ldquo;Tell your master that he shall have two millions more,
+      but not another shilling,&rdquo; Rafael said. &ldquo;That story about the
+      five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all bosh. They
+      won't believe it in Europe. You understand me, Count Grogomoffski?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the knout
+      unless&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court,&rdquo; said
+      Mendoza good-naturedly. &ldquo;Leave me at peace, Count: don't you see it is
+      Friday, and almost sunset?&rdquo; The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left
+      an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping
+      bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new loan
+      for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid colloquy in his
+      own language, was dismissed by Rafael.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be disposed
+      of,&rdquo; Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from Spain, General
+      the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him. &ldquo;Which shall it be, my Codlingsby?&rdquo;
+       Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer&mdash;for indeed he was amazed
+      to find all the affairs of the world represented here, and Holywell Street
+      the centre of Europe&mdash;when three knocks of a peculiar nature were
+      heard, and Mendoza starting up, said, &ldquo;Ha! there are only four men in the
+      world who know that signal.&rdquo; At once, and with a reverence quite distinct
+      from his former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was an old man&mdash;an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race&mdash;the
+      light of his eyes was unfathomable&mdash;about his mouth there played an
+      inscrutable smile. He had a cotton umbrella, and old trousers, and old
+      boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made him
+      the lowest reverence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I am tired,&rdquo; says he; &ldquo;I have come in fifteen hours. I am ill at
+      Neuilly,&rdquo; he added with a grin. &ldquo;Get me some eau sucree, and tell me the
+      news, Prince de Mendoza. These bread rows; this unpopularity of Guizot;
+      this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and
+      daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against Coletti, makes me quite ill.
+      Give me your opinion, my dear duke. But ha! whom have we here?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language to
+      address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have pleaded
+      ignorance of that tongue. But he had been at Cambridge, where all the
+      youth acquire it perfectly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;SIRE,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;I will not disguise from you that I know the ancient
+      tongue in which you speak. There are probably secrets between Mendoza and
+      your Maj&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hush!&rdquo; said Rafael, leading him from the room. &ldquo;Au revoir, dear
+      Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of US,&rdquo; he whispered at the door; &ldquo;so is
+      the Pope of Rome; so is . . .&rdquo;&mdash;a whisper concealed the rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gracious powers! is it so?&rdquo; said Codlingsby, musing. He entered into
+      Holywell Street. The sun was sinking.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is time,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      PHIL FOGARTY.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      BY HARRY ROLLICKER. I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The gabion was ours. After two hours' fighting we were in possession of
+      the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable as circumstances
+      would admit. Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and
+      myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our servants laid out a hasty supper
+      on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had escaped me so provokingly after I cut
+      him down, his spoils were mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna sausage were
+      found in the Marshal's holsters; and in the haversack of a French private
+      who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread, his three days'
+      ration. Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may be sure, wherever
+      the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him in his
+      instrument-case. We sat down and made a soldier's supper. The Doctor
+      pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees growing near (and
+      round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had made a desperate
+      rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere's helmet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Faith, it never had so much wit in it before,&rdquo; said the Doctor, as he
+      ladled out the drink. We all roared with laughing, except the guardsman,
+      who was as savage as a Turk at a christening.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Buvez-en,&rdquo; said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; &ldquo;ca vous fera du
+      bien, mon vieux coq!&rdquo; and the Colonel, whose wound had been just dressed,
+      eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with a health to the
+      donors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How strange are the chances of war! But half an hour before he and I were
+      engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my conqueror.
+      Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his horse, and was about to
+      despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was parried by my
+      sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the next instant at my throat&mdash;I
+      was on the ground&mdash;my prisoner had escaped, and a gigantic warrior in
+      the uniform of a colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring over me with
+      pointed sword.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Rends-toi, coquin!&rdquo; said he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Allez an Diable!&rdquo; said I: &ldquo;a Fogarty never surrenders.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in Killaloo&mdash;I
+      felt the tip of his blade between my teeth&mdash;I breathed a prayer, and
+      shut my eyes&mdash;when the tables were turned&mdash;the butt-end of Lanty
+      Clancy's musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish,&rdquo; said the French officer, with a curse in the
+      purest Irish. It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough to bid Lanty
+      hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have brained my gallant
+      adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as what gallant
+      hearts are not?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we sat down
+      to make the most of our time. The rogue of a Doctor took the liver-wing
+      for his share&mdash;we gave the other to our guest, a prisoner; those
+      scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs&mdash;and, 'faith,
+      poor I was put off with the Pope's nose and a bit of the back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How d'ye like his Holiness's FAYTURE?&rdquo; said Jerry Blake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Anyhow you'll have a MERRY THOUGHT,&rdquo; cried the incorrigible Doctor, and
+      all the party shrieked at the witticism.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;De mortuis nil nisi bonum,&rdquo; said Jack, holding up the drumstick clean.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Faith, there's not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED, anyhow,&rdquo;
+       said I; &ldquo;come, boys, let's have a song.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Here goes,&rdquo; said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his own
+      composition&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill,
+     And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill,
+     Was once Tommy Tosspot's, as jovial a sot,
+     As e'er drew a spigot, or drain'd a full pot&mdash;
+     In drinking all round 'twas his joy to surpass,
+     And with all merry tipplers he swigg'd off his glass.
+
+     &ldquo;One morning in summer, while seated so snug,
+     In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug,
+     Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear,
+     And said, 'Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;'
+     We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can,
+     From which let us drink to the health of my Nan.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Psha!&rdquo; said the Doctor, &ldquo;I've heard that song before; here's a new one
+      for you, boys!&rdquo; and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+          &ldquo;You've all heard of Larry O'Toole,
+           Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole;
+                He had but one eye,
+                To ogle ye by&mdash;
+           Oh, murther, but that was a jew'l!
+                A fool
+           He made of de girls, dis O'Toole.
+
+          &ldquo;'Twas he was the boy didn't fail,
+           That tuck down pataties and mail;
+                He never would shrink
+                From any sthrong dthrink,
+           Was it whisky or Drogheda ale;
+                I'm bail
+           This Larry would swallow a pail.
+
+          &ldquo;Oh, many a night at the bowl,
+           With Larry I've sot cheek by jowl;
+               He's gone to his rest,
+                Where there's dthrink of the best,
+           And so let us give his old sowl
+                A howl,
+           For twas he made the noggin to rowl.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      I observed the French Colonel's eye glistened as he heard these well-known
+      accents of his country but we were too well-bred to pretend to remark his
+      emotion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were finished, and
+      each began to look out with some anxiety for the preconcerted signal, the
+      rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian's quarters, which was to announce the
+      recommencement of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her silver
+      splendor, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to the earth at the feet
+      of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts at the head
+      of the storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns in position
+      opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by a tremendous
+      canonnade from the fort.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who's going to dance?&rdquo; said the Doctor: &ldquo;the ball's begun. Ha! there goes
+      poor Jack Delamere's head off! The ball chose a soft one, anyhow. Come
+      here, Tim, till I mend your leg. Your wife has need only knit half as many
+      stockings next year, Doolan my boy. Faix! there goes a big one had
+      wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad! it has snuffed the feather off my
+      cocked hat!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail, the
+      undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty. That he had a
+      feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more so than Philip
+      Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the
+      Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little. &ldquo;Be cool,
+      boys,&rdquo; I said; &ldquo;it will be hot enough work for you ere long.&rdquo; The honest
+      fellows answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our prisoner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Countryman,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;I know you; but an Irishman was never a traitor.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Taisez-vous!&rdquo; said he, putting his finger to his lip. &ldquo;C'est la fortune
+      de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the Marquis d' O'Mahony,
+      and I may render you the hospitality which your tyrannous laws prevent me
+      from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye. It was, then,
+      the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a Marquis by Napoleon
+      on the field of Austerlitz!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Marquis,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;the country which disowns you is proud of you; but&mdash;ha!
+      here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance.&rdquo; And in fact, Captain
+      Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot, asked for the commander
+      of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in readiness to move as soon as
+      the flank companies of the Ninety-ninth, and Sixty-sixth, and the
+      Grenadier Brigade of the German Legion began to advance up the echelon.
+      The devoted band soon arrived; Jack Bowser heading the Ninety-ninth (when
+      was he away and a storming-party to the fore?), and the gallant
+      Potztausend, with his Hanoverian veterans.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The second rocket flew up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Forward, Onety-oneth!&rdquo; cried I, in a voice of thunder. &ldquo;Killaloo boys,
+      follow your captain!&rdquo; and with a shrill hurray, that sounded above the
+      tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep; Bowser with the
+      brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up with us. We
+      passed the demilune, we passed the culverin, bayoneting the artillerymen
+      at their guns; we advanced across the two tremendous demilunes which flank
+      the counterscarp, and prepared for the final spring upon the citadel.
+      Soult I could see quite pale on the wall; and the scoundrel Cambaceres,
+      who had been so nearly my prisoner that day, trembled as he cheered his
+      men. &ldquo;On, boys, on!&rdquo; I hoarsely exclaimed. &ldquo;Hurroo!&rdquo; said the fighting
+      Onety-oneth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But there was a movement among the enemy. An officer, glittering with
+      orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to the wall, and
+      I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We are hardly pressed, methinks,&rdquo; Napoleon said sternly. &ldquo;I must exercise
+      my old trade as an artilleryman;&rdquo; and Murat loaded, and the Emperor
+      pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that had not been
+      silenced by our fire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hurray, Killaloo boys!&rdquo; shouted I. The next moment a sensation of
+      numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the rampart.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hush!&rdquo; said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis d'
+      O'Mahony. &ldquo;Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you. For six weeks
+      those are the only sane words I have heard from you.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Faix, and 'tis thrue for you, Colonel dear,&rdquo; cried another voice, with
+      which I was even more familiar; 'twas that of my honest and gallant Lanty
+      Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at his master's
+      recovery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day intirely,
+      when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't write, to the
+      lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; and 'tis his
+      Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the letther!
+      Six weeks ravin' and roarin' as bould as a lion, and as mad as Mick
+      Malony's pig, that mistuck Mick's wig for a cabbage, and died of atin'
+      it!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And have I then lost my senses?&rdquo; I exclaimed feebly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sure, didn't ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday, and
+      catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora's jet-black
+      ringlets?&rdquo; Lanty cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young creature I
+      ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of the bed, and
+      sailed out of the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Confusion, you blundering rogue,&rdquo; I cried; &ldquo;who is that lovely lady whom
+      you frightened away by your impertinence? Donna Anna? Where am I?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You are in good hands, Philip,&rdquo; said the Colonel; &ldquo;you are at my house in
+      the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military Governor. You and
+      Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do not
+      be ashamed: 'twas the Emperor pointed the gun;&rdquo; and the Colonel took off
+      his hat as he mentioned the name darling to France. &ldquo;When our troops
+      returned from the sally in which your gallant storming party was driven
+      back, you were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the City.
+      Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but,
+      unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved my
+      life in '98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And many's the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther Phil,&rdquo;
+       said Clancy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Brought you to Paris,&rdquo; resumed the Colonel, smiling; &ldquo;where, by the soins
+      of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you have been
+      restored to health, thank heaven!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?&rdquo; I cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a descendant of
+      the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses, Madame la Marechale
+      de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?&rdquo; I cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?&rdquo; the Colonel replied. &ldquo;C'est la
+      fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and take this potion
+      which Blanche has prepared for you.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had compounded
+      it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for I sank into a cool
+      and refreshing slumber.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of youth's
+      happy time. Blanche&mdash;the enchanting Blanche&mdash;ministered
+      henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily hand. And
+      what were the effects? 'Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was over
+      head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for Baron Larrey, and
+      Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to the right-about. In a short
+      time I was in a situation to do justice to the gigot aux navets, the boeuf
+      aux cornichons, and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis's board,
+      with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen who frequented it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wait till he's quite well, Miss,&rdquo; said Lanty, who waited always behind
+      me. &ldquo;'Faith! when he's in health, I'd back him to ate a cow, barrin' the
+      horns and teel.&rdquo; I sent a decanter at the rogue's head, by way of answer
+      to his impertinence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole
+      withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot of
+      prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis's interest with the Emperor prevailed,
+      and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners, at the
+      Colonel's hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity (an
+      opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fellow with the
+      accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of mixing with the elite of
+      French society, and meeting with many of the great, the beautiful, and the
+      brave. Talleyrand was a frequent guest of the Marquis's. His bon-mots used
+      to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his chop with us; Murat,
+      when in town, constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and friendly round
+      game. Alas! who would have thought those two gallant heads would be so
+      soon laid low? My wife has a pair of earrings which the latter, who always
+      wore them, presented to her&mdash;but we are advancing matters. Anybody
+      could see, &ldquo;avec un demioeil,&rdquo; as the Prince of Benevento remarked, how
+      affairs went between me and Blanche; but though she loathed him for his
+      cruelties and the odiousness of his person, the brutal Cambaceres still
+      pursued his designs upon her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I recollect it was on St. Patrick's Day. My lovely friend had procured,
+      from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved a
+      thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired woman,
+      between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of shamrock
+      wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris were invited to
+      the national festival.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline Bonaparte
+      and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of sets with Madame
+      Recamier; and Robespierre's widow&mdash;an excellent, gentle creature,
+      quite unlike her husband&mdash;stood up with the Austrian ambassador.
+      Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and Nicholas Poussin, and
+      Canova, who was in town making a statue of the Emperor for Leo X., and, in
+      a word, all the celebrities of Paris&mdash;as my gifted countrywoman, the
+      wild Irish girl, calls them&mdash;were assembled in the Marquis's elegant
+      receiving-rooms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise! La Gigue
+      Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the Parisians ever
+      since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward and
+      took me for a partner, and amidst the bravoes of the crowd, in which stood
+      Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram, and the Austrian ambassador, we
+      showed to the beau monde of the French capital, I flatter myself, a not
+      unfavorable specimen of the dance of our country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the &ldquo;rail&rdquo;
+       style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, &ldquo;Be on your guard; I
+      see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about us; and when
+      Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Cambaceres is jealous,&rdquo; said I. &ldquo;I have it,&rdquo; says she; &ldquo;I'll make him
+      dance a turn with me.&rdquo; So, presently, as the music was going like mad all
+      this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds, and sat down. The
+      lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Cambaceres as a second
+      partner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give himself a
+      waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was speedily visible. He
+      puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops trickled down his purple face,
+      while my lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble quick,
+      till she fairly danced him down.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who'll take the flure with me?&rdquo; said the charming girl, animated by the
+      sport.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Faix, den, 'tis I, Lanty Clancy!&rdquo; cried my rascal, who had been mad with
+      excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and a hurroo, he
+      began to dance with such rapidity as made all present stare.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid cavalcade
+      traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the Marquis's door. A crowd
+      appeared to mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room were
+      flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties the Emperor and the
+      Empress. So engaged were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard the
+      tumult occasioned by the august approach.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre Francais, and
+      seeing the Marquis's windows lighted up, proposed to the Empress to drop
+      in on the party. He made signs to the musicians to continue: and the
+      conqueror of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the simple
+      evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Empress smiled and, seeing
+      this, all the courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were delighted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Is not this a great day for Ireland?&rdquo; said the Marquis, with a tear
+      trickling down his noble face. &ldquo;O Ireland! O my country! But no more of
+      that. Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch
+      or negus.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was Eugene
+      Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine by her former
+      marriage with a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack of the old
+      blood in him, Eugene's manners were much more refined than those of the
+      new-fangled dignitaries of the Emperor's Court, where (for my knife and
+      fork were regularly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my poor friend
+      Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the gallant Massena
+      devour pease by means of his knife, in a way more innocent than graceful.
+      Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at these eccentricities of
+      our brave friends; who certainly did not shine in the drawing-room,
+      however brilliant they were in the field of battle. The Emperor always
+      asked me to take wine with him, and was full of kindness and attention.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I like Eugene,&rdquo; he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as his way
+      was&mdash;&ldquo;I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows as you;
+      you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the camp have none.
+      And I like you, Philip my boy,&rdquo; he added, &ldquo;for being so attentive to my
+      poor wife&mdash;the Empress Josephine, I mean.&rdquo; All these honors made my
+      friends at the Marquis's very proud, and my enemies at Court crever with
+      envy. Among these, the atrocious Cambaceres was not the least active and
+      envenomed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which, like a
+      vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal amiability,
+      soon was apparent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from my
+      conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the war, the Emperor
+      was most anxious to attach me to his service. The Grand Cross of St.
+      Louis, the title of Count, the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the
+      l4me Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered to me; and
+      must I say it? Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one of the
+      agents employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Object to enter a foreign service!&rdquo; she said, in reply to my refusal. &ldquo;It
+      is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service. The Irish nation is in
+      exile, and in the territories of its French allies. Irish traitors are not
+      here; they march alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom the
+      great Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but for the
+      fatal valor of Irish mercenaries! Accept this offer, and my heart, my
+      hand, my all are yours. Refuse it, Philip, and we part.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;To wed the abominable Cambaceres!&rdquo; I cried, stung with rage. &ldquo;To wear a
+      duchess's coronet, Blanche! Ha, ha! Mushrooms, instead of
+      strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French
+      nobility. I shall withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison&mdash;to
+      be exchanged&mdash;to die&mdash;anything rather than be a traitor, and the
+      tool of a traitress!&rdquo; Taking up my hat, I left the room in a fury; and
+      flinging open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was listening at the
+      key-hole, and must have overheard every word of our conversation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter at our
+      mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only made me more mad; and, having spurs
+      on, I began digging them into Cambaceres' fat sides as we rolled on the
+      carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and anger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This insult must be avenged with blood!&rdquo; roared the Duke of Illyria.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have already drawn it,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;with my spurs.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Malheur et malediction!&rdquo; roared the Marshal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hadn't you better settle your wig?&rdquo; says I, offering it to him on the tip
+      of my cane, &ldquo;and we'll arrange time and place when you have put your jasey
+      in order.&rdquo; I shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast at me,
+      as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his mistress.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lady Blanche,&rdquo; I continued bitterly, &ldquo;as you look to share the Duke's
+      coronet, hadn't you better see to his wig?&rdquo; and so saying, I cocked my
+      hat, and walked out of the Marquis's place, whistling &ldquo;Garryowen.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him in the
+      Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was looking at the
+      picture-shop in the corner. I explained to him my affair in a twinkling.
+      He at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended me, rather
+      than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had been made to me. &ldquo;I knew
+      it would be so,&rdquo; he said, kindly; &ldquo;I told my father you wouldn't. A man
+      with the blood of the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn't wheel about like
+      those fellows of yesterday.&rdquo; So, when Cambaceres came out, which he did
+      presently, with a more furious air than before, I handed him at once over
+      to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and an early hour for the
+      meeting to take place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Can you make it before eleven, Phil?&rdquo; said Beauharnais. &ldquo;The Emperor
+      reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour, and we might
+      fight there handy before the review.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Done!&rdquo; said I. &ldquo;I want of all things to see the newly-arrived Saxon
+      cavalry manoeuvre:&rdquo; on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as much as to
+      say, &ldquo;See sights! Watch cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and take
+      measure for a coffin, my boy!&rdquo; walked away, naming our mutual
+      acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in the business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of
+      Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at Salamanca,
+      with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top of him. Bugaboo
+      was too much and too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though a
+      showy horseman, was a bad rider across country; and I got the horse for a
+      song. A wickeder and uglier brute never wore pig-skin; and I never put my
+      leg over such a timber-jumper in my life. I rode the horse down to the
+      Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres was to
+      come off, and Lanty held him as I went in, &ldquo;sure to win,&rdquo; as they say in
+      the ring.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I, who am
+      a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and that I could
+      wing him if I had a mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both fired: I
+      felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up my hand there, found a large
+      piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at the same moment, and shrieking a
+      horrible malediction, my adversary reeled and fell.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mon Dieu, il est mort!&rdquo; cried Ney.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Pas de tout,&rdquo; said Beauharnais. &ldquo;Ecoute; il jure toujours.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the ground
+      cursing most frightfully. We went up to him: he was blind with the loss of
+      blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He recovered;
+      but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto in the French army,
+      afterwards. The surgeon in attendance having taken charge of this
+      unfortunate warrior, we rode off to the review where Ney and Eugene were
+      on duty at the head of their respective divisions; and where, by the way,
+      Cambaceres, as the French say, &ldquo;se faisait desirer.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      It was arranged that Cambaceres' division of six battalions and
+      nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement, supported by
+      artillery in the intervals, and converging by different epaulements on the
+      light infantry, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line. It was by
+      this famous manoeuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte, at Friedland, and
+      subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and General Castanos
+      were defeated with such victorious slaughter: but it is a movement which,
+      I need not tell every military man, requires the greatest delicacy of
+      execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army into confusion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where is the Duke of Illyria?&rdquo; Napoleon asked. &ldquo;At the head of his
+      division, no doubt,&rdquo; said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an arch look,
+      put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall off my horse with
+      laughter. Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at this moment the troops
+      getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began, and his Majesty's
+      attention was taken off from my impudence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Milhaud's Dragoons, their bands playing &ldquo;Vive Henri Quatre,&rdquo; their
+      cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre from the
+      left flank in the most brilliant order, while the Carbineers of Foy, and
+      the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet d'Erlon, executed a carambolade
+      on the right, with the precision which became those veteran troops; but
+      the Chasseurs of the young guard, marching by twos instead of threes, bore
+      consequently upon the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and ill-affected
+      body), and then, falling back in disorder, became entangled with the
+      artillery and the left centre of the line, and in one instant thirty
+      thousand men were in inextricable confusion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Clubbed, by Jabers!&rdquo; roared out Lanty Clancy. &ldquo;I wish we could show 'em
+      the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Silence, fellow!&rdquo; I exclaimed. I never saw the face of man express
+      passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of Napoleon. He tore
+      off General Milhaud's epaulettes, which he flung into Foy's face. He
+      glared about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for the Duke
+      of Illyria. &ldquo;He is wounded, Sire,&rdquo; said General Foy, wiping a tear from
+      his eye, which was blackened by the force of the blow; &ldquo;he was wounded an
+      hour since in a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de
+      Fogarty.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wounded! a marshal of France wounded! Where is the Englishman? Bring him
+      out, and let a file of grenadiers&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sire!&rdquo; interposed Eugene.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Let him be shot!&rdquo; shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me with
+      the fury of a fiend.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This was too much. &ldquo;Here goes!&rdquo; said I, and rode slap at him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and I
+      should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in an
+      instant. But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had only
+      wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty
+      from this discharge.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor's head, and Bugaboo went at it
+      like a shot. He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned quite pale as
+      I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely brushing the
+      cockade which he wore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bravo!&rdquo; said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Cut him down!&rdquo; said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic Cuirassier;
+      and he made a pass at me with his sword. But he little knew an Irishman on
+      an Irish horse. Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and fetched the monster a slap
+      with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his saddle,&mdash;and
+      away I went, with an army of a hundred and seventy-three thousand eight
+      hundred men at my heels. * * * *
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      BARBAZURE.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      BY G. P. R. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only known
+      in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of Alsace, that two
+      cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked eye threading one of the
+      rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land between the Marne
+      and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the declining luminary were gilding the
+      peaks and crags which lined the path, through which the horsemen wound
+      slowly; and as these eternal battlements with which Nature had hemmed in
+      the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed with the last tints of the
+      fading sunlight, the valley below was gray and darkling, and the hard and
+      devious course was sombre in twilight. A few goats, hardly visible among
+      the peaks, were cropping the scanty herbage here and there. The pipes of
+      shepherds, calling in their flocks as they trooped homewards to their
+      mountain villages, sent up plaintive echoes which moaned through those
+      rocky and lonely steeps; the stars began to glimmer in the purple heavens
+      spread serenely overhead and the faint crescent of the moon, which had
+      peered for some time scarce visible in the azure, gleamed out more
+      brilliantly at every moment, until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun's
+      retreat. 'Tis a fair land that of France, a gentle, a green, and a
+      beautiful; the home of arts and arms, of chivalry and romance, and
+      (however sadly stained by the excesses of modern times) 'twas the unbought
+      grace of nations once, and the seat of ancient renown and disciplined
+      valor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and bravery
+      is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that one over which
+      our travellers wended, and which stretches between the good towns of
+      Vendemiaire and Nivose. 'Tis common now to a hundred thousand voyagers:
+      the English tourist, with his chariot and his Harvey's Sauce, and his
+      imperials; the bustling commis-voyageur on the roof of the rumbling
+      diligence; the rapid malle-poste thundering over the chaussee at twelve
+      miles an hour&mdash;pass the ground hourly and daily now: 'twas lonely and
+      unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century with which our story
+      commences.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such their
+      outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together. The one, seemingly
+      the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather in his barret-cap, and
+      managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curveted gayly. A
+      surcoat of peach-colored samite and a purfled doublet of vair bespoke him
+      noble, as did his brilliant eye, his exquisitely chiselled nose, and his
+      curling chestnut ringlets.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring-violets;
+      and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek&mdash;roses, alas! that bloom and
+      die with life's spring! Now bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking
+      off with his riding rod a floweret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot
+      rode by his darker companion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed, that
+      had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine. Thence through
+      Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a city and commune,
+      holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor of Navarre, Poitou,
+      and St. Germain l'Auxerrois, the warrior and his charger reached the
+      lonely spot where now we find them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the steed
+      which bore him. Both were caparisoned in the fullest trappings of feudal
+      war. The arblast, the mangonel, the demiculverin, and the cuissart of the
+      period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the war-steed; while the
+      rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and arriere-ban, morion and
+      tumbrel, battle-axe and rifflard, and the other appurtenances of ancient
+      chivalry, rode stately on his steel-clad charger, himself a tower of
+      steel. This mighty horseman was carried by his steed as lightly as the
+      young springald by his Andalusian hackney.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Twas well done of thee, Philibert,&rdquo; said he of the proof-armor, &ldquo;to ride
+      forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!&rdquo; replied
+      the younger Cavalier. &ldquo;When I was yet a page, thou wert a belted knight;
+      and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard grew.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew the spear
+      from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta,&rdquo; the individual
+      addressed as Romane replied. &ldquo;Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy, (and
+      marry 'tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a lance with Solyman at Rhodes,
+      and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre. But enough of this. Tell me
+      of home&mdash;of our native valley&mdash;of my hearth, and my lady-mother,
+      and my good chaplain&mdash;tell me of HER, Philibert,&rdquo; said the knight,
+      executing a demivolt, in order to hide his emotion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the
+      question. &ldquo;The castle stands on the rock,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;and the swallows
+      still build in the battlements. The good chaplain still chants his vespers
+      at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother still
+      distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey. The tenants pay
+      no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely, kinsman mine,&rdquo; he added with an
+      arch look.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?&rdquo; Romane continued. &ldquo;Since Lammas was a
+      twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are unanswered. The postman
+      hath traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a billet. How is
+      Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She is&mdash;well,&rdquo; Philibert replied; &ldquo;her sister Anne is the fairest of
+      the twain, though.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. A plague on sister
+      Anne! Speak of Fatima, Philibert&mdash;my blue-eyed Fatima!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I say she is&mdash;well,&rdquo; answered his comrade gloomily.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? Nay, hath she had the
+      small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak; speak, boy!&rdquo; cried the knight,
+      wrought to agony.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Her cheek is as red as her mother's, though the old Countess paints hers
+      every day. Her foot is as light as a sparrow's, and her voice as sweet as
+      a minstrel's dulcimer; but give me nathless the Lady Anne,&rdquo; cried
+      Philibert; &ldquo;give me the peerless Lady Anne! As soon as ever I have won
+      spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and proclaim her the Queen of
+      Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady Anne!&rdquo; and so saying&mdash;but evidently
+      wishing to disguise some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could
+      ill brook to hear&mdash;the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But swift as was his courser's pace, that of his companion's enormous
+      charger was swifter. &ldquo;Boy,&rdquo; said the elder, &ldquo;thou hast ill tidings. I know
+      it by thy glance. Speak: shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a
+      thousand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in the name of
+      heaven and good Saint Botibol. Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your
+      tidings like a man!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Fatima is well,&rdquo; answered Philibert once again; &ldquo;she hath had no measles:
+      she lives and is still fair.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? Not false? By Saint
+      Botibol, say not false,&rdquo; groaned the elder warrior.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A month syne,&rdquo; Philibert replied, &ldquo;she married the Baron de Barbazure.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the brave
+      knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and fell from his
+      charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast and
+      magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin. The traveller of
+      the present day, who wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and climbs
+      the steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely trace,
+      among the shattered masses of ivy-covered masonry which lie among the
+      lonely crags, even the skeleton of the proud and majestic palace
+      stronghold of the Barons of Barbazure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately, and
+      seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal rocks on
+      which they stood. The three mullets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted
+      by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known cognizance of the house, blazed
+      in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, surmounting as many towers. The
+      long lines of battlemented walls spread down the mountain to the Loire,
+      and were defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men. Four hundred
+      knights and six times as many archers fought round the banner of Barbazure
+      at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour. For his services at Fontenoy
+      against the English, the heroic Charles Martel appointed the fourteenth
+      Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom of France; and for wealth,
+      and for splendor, and for skill and fame in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth
+      Baron, was in no-wise inferior to his noble ancestors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the shore;
+      that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a neighbor, or drew the
+      fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy's castle with the wife and
+      children within;&mdash;these were points for which the country knew and
+      respected the stout Baron. When he returned from victory, he was sure to
+      endow the Church with a part of his spoil, so that when he went forth to
+      battle he was always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron
+      Raoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the
+      Court, the Church, and his neighbors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic grief
+      which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure. His lovely ladies died one
+      after the other. No sooner was he married than he was a widower; in the
+      course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements had befallen the
+      chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is a parasite, grief is a
+      republican, and visits the hall of the great and wealthy as it does the
+      humbler tenements of the poor.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover,&rdquo; said the Lady of
+      Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, &ldquo;and think how the noble
+      Barbazure loves thee! Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had
+      eyes for thee and thy cousin only.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!&rdquo; the admirable
+      Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. &ldquo;Not that I care for my Lord of Barbazure's
+      looks. MY heart, dearest mother, is with him who is far away!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty-three
+      corantoes, I think, child,&rdquo; the mother said, eluding her daughter's
+      remark.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Twenty-five,&rdquo; said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to the
+      ground. &ldquo;Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He had not the court air,&rdquo; the mother suggested.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I don't wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure's dancing,
+      mamma,&rdquo; Fatima replied. &ldquo;For a short, lusty man, 'tis wondrous how active
+      he is; and in dignity the King's Grace himself could not surpass him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You were the noblest couple in the room, love,&rdquo; the lady cried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich plumes,
+      blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink shoon, became the
+      noble baron wondrous well,&rdquo; Fatima acknowledged. &ldquo;It must be confessed
+      that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of youth. But alas,
+      madam! The noble baron hath had nine wives already.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth,&rdquo; the mother
+      replied.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My cousin give her eyes!&rdquo; Fatima exclaimed. &ldquo;It's not much, I'm sure, for
+      she squints abominably.&rdquo; And thus the ladies prattled, as they rode home
+      at night after the great ball at the house of the Baron of Barbazure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand the
+      doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the well-nurtured
+      English maiden will participate in the divided feelings which rent her
+      bosom. 'Tis true, that on his departure for the holy wars, Romane and
+      Fatima were plighted to each other; but the folly of long engagements is
+      proverbial; and though for many months the faithful and affectionate girl
+      had looked in vain for news from him, her admirable parents had long
+      spoken with repugnance of a match which must bring inevitable poverty to
+      both parties. They had suffered, 'tis true, the engagement to subside,
+      hostile as they ever were to it; but when on the death of the ninth lady
+      of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked Fatima at the funeral, and rode
+      home with her after the ceremony, her prudent parents saw how much wiser,
+      better, happier for their child it would be to have for life a partner
+      like the baron, than to wait the doubtful return of the penniless wanderer
+      to whom she was plighted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how true to
+      duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly angel, a well-bred
+      woman of genteel family! Instead of indulging in splenetic refusals or
+      vain regrets for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima at once signified
+      to her excellent parents her willingness to obey their orders; though she
+      had sorrows (and she declared them to be tremendous), the admirable being
+      disguised them so well, that none knew they oppressed her. She said she
+      would try to forget former ties, and (so strong in her mind was DUTY above
+      every other feeling!&mdash;so strong may it be in every British maiden!)
+      the lovely girl kept her promise. &ldquo;My former engagements,&rdquo; she said,
+      packing up Romane's letters and presents, (which, as the good knight was
+      mortal poor, were in sooth of no great price)&mdash;&ldquo;my former engagements
+      I look upon as childish follies;&mdash;my affections are fixed where my
+      dear parents graft them&mdash;on the noble, the princely, the polite
+      Barbazure. 'Tis true he is not comely in feature, but the chaste and
+      well-bred female knows how to despise the fleeting charms of form. 'Tis
+      true he is old; but can woman be better employed than in tending her aged
+      and sickly companion? That he has been married is likewise certain&mdash;but
+      ah, my mother! who knows not that he must be a good and tender husband,
+      who, nine times wedded, owns that, he cannot be happy without another
+      partner?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed
+      obedience to her parents' will, and consented to receive the magnificent
+      marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant bridegroom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      III.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts to see
+      her hapless daughter. Ever, when she came, the porters grinned at her
+      savagely through the grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled gate
+      of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. &ldquo;The Lady of
+      Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and keeps her chamber,&rdquo; was the
+      invariable reply of the dogged functionaries to the entreaties of the
+      agonized mother. And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual calls
+      at his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced to be
+      at the postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the crupper
+      of the lady's palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and in terror.
+      &ldquo;I will aim at the rider next time!&rdquo; howled the ferocious baron, &ldquo;and not
+      at the horse!&rdquo; And those who knew his savage nature and his unrivalled
+      skill as a bowman, knew that he would neither break his knightly promise
+      nor miss his aim.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous
+      passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were present at
+      the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure's heart was changed
+      towards his gentle and virtuous lady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted Baron of
+      Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who entered. His
+      lance bore everything down before it. The most famous champions of Europe,
+      assembled at these joustings, had dropped, one by one, before this
+      tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined to be his, and
+      he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave, as his lady was the fairest
+      of the fair.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the Vosges, and
+      the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the warrior had obtained
+      such triumphs;&mdash;after having overcome two hundred and thirteen
+      knights of different nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid
+      Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted Dugueselin, as the
+      conqueror sat still erect on his charger, and the multitudes doubted
+      whether ever another champion could be found to face him, three blasts of
+      a trumpet were heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing more
+      clearly, until a knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his visor
+      down, and riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the
+      admiration of all present.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The heralds asked him his name and quality.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Call me,&rdquo; said he, in a hollow voice, &ldquo;the Jilted Knight.&rdquo; What was it
+      made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the companion who
+      rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de Coquelicot, who was known
+      and respected universally through the neighborhood, gave a warranty for
+      the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight&mdash;and Raoul de
+      Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two-hundred-and-fourteenth lance, shook
+      the huge weapon in the air as though it were a reed, and prepared to
+      encounter the intruder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the spear from
+      harm, the top of the unknown knight's lance was shielded with a bung,
+      which the warrior removed; and galloping up to Barbazure's pavilion, over
+      which his shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with the sharpened
+      steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assembly at this daring
+      challenge to a combat a l'outrance. &ldquo;Hast thou confessed, Sir Knight?&rdquo;
+       roared the Barbazure; &ldquo;take thy ground, and look to thyself; for by heaven
+      thy last hour is come!&rdquo; &ldquo;Poor youth, poor youth!&rdquo; sighed the spectators;
+      &ldquo;he has called down his own fate.&rdquo; The next minute the signal was given,
+      and as the simoom across the desert, the cataract down the rock, the shell
+      from the howitzer, each warrior rushed from his goal.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?&rdquo; said the Grand Duke, as at the
+      end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over his
+      prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at length unhorsed,
+      and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity on his
+      conqueror.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Take thy life,&rdquo; said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight; &ldquo;thou
+      hast taken all that was dear to me.&rdquo; And the sun setting, and no other
+      warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the
+      conqueror, and rode up to the duchess's balcony to receive the gold chain
+      which was the reward of the victor. He raised his visor as the smiling
+      princess guerdoned him&mdash;raised it, and gave ONE sad look towards the
+      Lady Fatima at her side!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Romane de Clos-Vougeot!&rdquo; shrieked she, and fainted. The Baron of
+      Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his wound, and
+      by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore
+      revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a queen,
+      returned to her castle as a prisoner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      (As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel, let it
+      suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which
+      the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of the baroness,
+      kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and the general tone of morality,
+      are all excellently worked out, the Baron de Barbazure resolves upon
+      putting his wife to death by the hands of the public executioner.)
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on the
+      platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony of mid-day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The block was laid forth&mdash;the hideous minister of vengeance, masked
+      and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready. The baron
+      tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the dreadful
+      swordsman if his hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood.
+      The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank from him. There
+      was not one there but loved and pitied the gentle lady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. To all her lord's
+      savage interrogatories, her reply had been, &ldquo;I am innocent.&rdquo; To his
+      threats of death, her answer was, &ldquo;You are my lord; my life is in your
+      hands, to take or to give.&rdquo; How few are the wives, in our day, who show
+      such angelic meekness! It touched all hearts around her, save that of the
+      implacable Barbazure! Even the Lady Blanche, (Fatima's cousin), whom he
+      had promised to marry upon his faithless wife's demise, besought for her
+      kinswoman's life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Is there no pity, sir?&rdquo; asked the chaplain who had attended her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No pity?&rdquo; echoed the weeping serving-maid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?&rdquo; said the gentle lady, and
+      placed herself at the block.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven hair.
+      &ldquo;Now!&rdquo; shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his foot&mdash;&ldquo;Now
+      strike!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself to
+      deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air, with one
+      irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head of the furious,
+      the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the Lady
+      Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his mask, knelt
+      gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well-known features of
+      Romane de Clos-Vougeot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      LORDS AND LIVERIES.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      BY THE AUTHORESS OF &ldquo;DUKES AND DEJEUNERS,&rdquo; &ldquo;HEARTS AND DIAMONDS,&rdquo;
+       &ldquo;MARCHIONESSES AND MILLINERS,&rdquo; ETC. ETC.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box
+      to-night,&rdquo; said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning over the
+      velvet-cushioned balconies of the &ldquo;Coventry Club,&rdquo; smoking their
+      full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson's) after the opera.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips of the
+      young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire anything except a
+      coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a supreme de cochon en
+      torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion, the chef of the
+      &ldquo;Traveller's,&rdquo; only knows how to dress; or the bouquet of a flask of
+      Medoc, of Carbonell's best quality; or a goutte of Marasquin, from the
+      cellars of Briggs and Hobson.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon of
+      Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like too many of
+      our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in his twenty-fourth
+      year. Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent principles (who had
+      imbued his young mind with that Morality which is so superior to all the
+      vain pomps of the world!) it had not been always the young earl's lot to
+      wear the coronet for which he now in sooth cared so little. His father, a
+      captain of Britain's navy, struck down by the side of the gallant
+      Collingwood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his sword and spotless
+      name to his young, lovely, and inconsolable widow, who passed the first
+      years of her mourning in educating her child in an elegant though small
+      cottage in one of the romantic marine villages of beautiful Devonshire.
+      Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the widow's heart as she
+      pressed him to it! How faithfully did she instil into his young bosom
+      those principles which had been the pole-star of the existence of his
+      gallant father!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found the widow
+      and her boy. The seventeenth Earl&mdash;gallant and ardent, and in the
+      prime of youth&mdash;went forth one day from the Eternal City to a
+      steeple-chase in the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to his
+      hotel in the Piazza di Spagna. Death, alas! is no respecter of the
+      Nobility. That shattered form was all that remained of the fiery, the
+      haughty, the wild, but the generous Altamont de Pentonville! Such, such is
+      fate!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother's solicitude
+      at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly descended on her boy.
+      She engaged an excellent clergyman of the Church of England to superintend
+      his studies; to accompany him on foreign travel when the proper season
+      arrived; to ward from him those dangers which dissipation always throws in
+      the way of the noble, the idle, and the wealthy. But the Reverend Cyril
+      Delaval died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth the young Earl of
+      Bagnigge was without a guardian.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty, he was a cynic and an
+      epicure. He had drained the cup of pleasure till it had palled in his
+      unnerved hand. He had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps
+      without reverence. He was unmoved by the sandy solitudes of the Desert as
+      by the placid depths of Mediterranean's sea of blue. Bitter, bitter tears
+      did Emily de Pentonville weep, when, on Alured's return from the
+      Continent, she beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in her
+      beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Corpo di Bacco,&rdquo; he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the red
+      nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore's coachman&mdash;who, having
+      deposited her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the carriage
+      to the stables, before commencing his evening at the &ldquo;Fortune of War&rdquo;
+       public-house&mdash;&ldquo;what a lovely creature that was! What eyes! what hair!
+      Who knows her? Do you, mon cher prince?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;E bellissima, certamente,&rdquo; said the Duca de Montepulciano, and stroked
+      down his jetty moustache.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ein gar schones Madchen,&rdquo; said the Hereditary Grand Duke of
+      Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Elle n'est pas mal, ma foi!&rdquo; said the Prince de Borodino, with a scowl on
+      his darkling brows. &ldquo;Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont mauvais!&rdquo; he added as
+      he too cast away his Cuba.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Try one of my Pickwicks,&rdquo; said Franklin Fox, with a sneer, offering his
+      gold etui to the young Frenchman; &ldquo;they are some of Pontet's best, Prince.
+      What, do you bear malice? Come, let us be friends,&rdquo; said the gay and
+      careless young patrician; but a scowl on the part of the Frenchman was the
+      only reply.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge,&rdquo; the wag
+      went on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized. The
+      Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom Protocol of
+      the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh, Poldoody, and the
+      rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any one present.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don't you see he has gone off in
+      a fury!&rdquo; Franklin Fox continued. &ldquo;He has his reasons, ce cher prince: he
+      will tell you nothing; but I will. You know that I am au mieux with the
+      dear old duchess.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke's death,&rdquo; cried
+      Poldoody.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I always thought Fwank was the duke's illicit gweatgwandson,&rdquo; drawled out
+      De Boots.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs from
+      Paris,&rdquo; cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are known in every
+      diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!&rdquo; said Bagnigge. &ldquo;Tell me about this
+      girl, Franklin Fox.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring fence
+      in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa at Richmond,
+      a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand a year in the
+      three-per-cents.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Apres?&rdquo; said Bagnigge, still yawning.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour. They are cousins, her mother was an
+      Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father, married another
+      sister. I believe he was footman in the family, before Napoleon princified
+      him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, no, he was second coachman,&rdquo; Tom Protocol good-naturedly interposed&mdash;&ldquo;a
+      cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one's, I mean) when he
+      found me in the duchess's room this evening, tete-a-tete with the heiress,
+      who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It cost me three guineas,&rdquo; poor Frank said, with a shrug and a sigh, &ldquo;and
+      that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she took the flowers;&mdash;eh,
+      Bagnigge?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And flung them to Alboni,&rdquo; the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer. And
+      poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The maitre d'hotel here announced that supper was served. It was remarked
+      that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on Bagnigge that
+      night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the court of
+      the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was such as has seldom
+      been created by the appearance of any other beauty. The men were raving
+      with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her beauty, her wit, her
+      grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace's
+      daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the heiress's
+      regal beauty quite flung her cousins' simple charms into the shade, and
+      blazed with a splendor which caused all &ldquo;minor lights&rdquo; to twinkle faintly.
+      Before a day the beau-monde, before a week even the vulgarians of the rest
+      of the town, rang with the fame of her charms; and while the dandies and
+      the beauties were raving about her, or tearing her to pieces in May Fair,
+      even Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the &ldquo;Hoperer&rdquo; in a green
+      turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great HAIRESS to her
+      D. in Bloomsbury Square.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Crowds went to Squab and Lynch's, in Long Acre, to examine the carriages
+      building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so odiously
+      unostentatious and provokingly simple! Besides the ancestral services of
+      argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six
+      plate-chests at Messrs. Childs', Rumble and Briggs prepared a gold
+      service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket, a service of the Benvenuto
+      Cellini pattern, which were the admiration of all London. Before a month
+      it is a fact that the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the blue
+      stocks, called &ldquo;Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:&rdquo; long before
+      that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline's, or sent couriers to
+      Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of her dresses; but, as the
+      Mantuan bard observes, &ldquo;Non cuivis contigit,&rdquo;&mdash;every foot cannot
+      accommodate itself to the chaussure of Cinderella.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these cheers
+      following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst happy? Ah, no!
+      It is not under the necklace the most brilliant that Briggs and Rumble can
+      supply, it is not in Lynch's best cushioned chariot that the heart is most
+      at ease. &ldquo;Que je me ruinerai,&rdquo; says Fronsac in a letter to Bossuet, &ldquo;si je
+      savais ou acheter le bonheur!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was wretched&mdash;wretched,
+      because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart had nothing to cling
+      to. Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male person even entered it,
+      except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing,) and the duchess's family,
+      her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his friend old Sir John Fogey, and her
+      cousin, the odious, odious Borodino.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to him.
+      Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such an
+      opportunity to refaire sa fortune. He gave out that he would kill any man
+      who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his word.
+      Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen by his hand at Ostend.
+      The O'Toole, who had met her on the Rhine, had received a ball in his
+      shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care to resume so dangerous a courtship.
+      Borodino could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards. He could beat
+      Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the small-sword: he was the
+      dragon that watched this pomme d'or, and very few persons were now
+      inclined to face a champion si redoutable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Over a salmi d'escargot at the &ldquo;Coventry,&rdquo; the dandies whom we introduced
+      in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the heiress; and her
+      story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who, for a wonder, was
+      interested in the tale. Borodino's pretensions were discussed, and the way
+      in which the fair Amethyst was confined. Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave
+      Square, is&mdash;as everybody knows&mdash;the next mansion to that
+      occupied by Amethyst. A communication was made between the two houses. She
+      never went out except accompanied by the duchess's guard, which it was
+      impossible to overcome.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Impossible! Nothing's impossible,&rdquo; said Lord Bagnigge.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I bet you what you like you don't get in,&rdquo; said the young Marquis of
+      Martingale.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress's house before
+      the season's over,&rdquo; Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and the bet was
+      registered with shouts of applause.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge, for
+      the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him; he was
+      carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a dislocated shoulder;
+      and the doctor's bulletins pronounced him to be in the most dangerous
+      state.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding by the
+      Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight after the above events, his lordship
+      was prancing by her Grace's great family coach, and chattering with Lady
+      Gwinever about the strange wager.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?&rdquo; he asked. Her ladyship said
+      yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican; and stared when Lord
+      Martingale announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies, worth
+      five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now kept at Coutts's. Then he
+      explained the circumstances of the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament was to
+      adjourn in ten days; the season would be over! Bagnigge was lying ill chez
+      lui; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his. And he vowed
+      he would buy Lord Binnacle's yacht&mdash;crew, captain, guns and all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore's, Martingale found among
+      the many billets upon the gold plateau in his antichambre, the following
+      brief one, which made him start&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;DEAR MARTINGALE.&mdash;Don't be too sure of Binnacle's yacht. There are
+      still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie at
+      Coutts's for some time to come.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;BAGNIGGE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;P. S.&mdash;I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered
+      up from that confounded fall.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      III.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John,
+      cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did not take
+      powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under-butler, who
+      reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned his name with praise
+      to the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well-spoken a young man,
+      that the ladies in the housekeeper's room deigned to notice him more than
+      once; nor was his popularity diminished on account of a quarrel in which
+      he engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon chasseur, who was
+      one day found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited on Amethyst's own maid.
+      The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames entering the Servants' Hall,
+      where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in &ldquo;aggravating&rdquo; her, Miss Flouncy
+      screamed: at the next moment the Belgian giant lay sprawling upon the
+      carpet; and Jeames, standing over him, assumed so terrible a look, that
+      the chasseur declined any further combat. The victory was made known to
+      the house-steward himself, who, being a little partial to Miss Flouncy
+      herself, complimented Jeames on his valor, and poured out a glass of
+      Madeira in his own room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people. He had
+      lived, he said, in that family two years. &ldquo;But where there was no ladies,&rdquo;
+       he said, &ldquo;a gentleman's hand was spiled for service;&rdquo; and Jeames's was a
+      very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy admired it very much, and of course he
+      did not defile it by menial service: he had in a young man who called him
+      sir, and did all the coarse work; and Jeames read the morning paper to the
+      ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many gentlemen do, but
+      easily and elegantly, speaking off the longest words without a moment's
+      difficulty. He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy found, who was
+      studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de confiance; for
+      when she said to him, &ldquo;Polly voo Fransy, Munseer Jeames?&rdquo; he replied
+      readily, &ldquo;We, Mademaselle, j'ay passay boco de tong a Parry. Commong voo
+      potty voo?&rdquo; How Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before her, the day
+      after he had saved Miss Amethyst when the horses had run away with her in
+      the Park!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a week in Amethyst's
+      service, and already the gentle heart of the washing-girl was
+      irrecoverably gone! Poor Flouncy! Poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her cousin the
+      prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into the Park simply with
+      her companion, who had charge of her little Fido, the dearest little
+      spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind the carriage with
+      their long sticks and neat dark liveries; the horses were worth a thousand
+      guineas each, the coachman a late lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole
+      ring could not boast a more elegant turn-out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine. It may
+      have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish ambassador which
+      frightened the prince's grays, or Mrs. Champignon's new yellow liveries,
+      which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon's preternatural
+      ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at the time, or the prince's
+      own want of skill, finally; but certain it is that the horses took fright,
+      dashed wildly along the mile, scattered equipages, pietons, dandies' cabs,
+      and snobs' pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming; and the prince, deadly pale,
+      had lost all presence of mind, as the curricle came rushing by the spot
+      where Miss Amethyst's carriage stood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'm blest,&rdquo; Frederick exclaimed to his companion, &ldquo;if it ain't the prince
+      a-drivin our missis! They'll be in the Serpingtine, or dashed to pieces,
+      if they don't mind.&rdquo; And the runaway steeds at this instant came upon them
+      as a whirlwind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter. To jump
+      from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle, to jump into
+      it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole,
+      and to seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino, who
+      shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet leapt on his toes and into his
+      seat, was the work of an instant. In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush
+      of the horses was reduced to a swift but steady gallop; presently into a
+      canter, then a trot; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling,
+      but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst's carriage, which came up at a
+      rapid pace.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Give me the reins, malappris! tu m'ecrases le corps, manant!&rdquo; yelled the
+      frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid charioteer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tant pis pour toi, nigaud,&rdquo; was the reply. The lovely Amethyst of course
+      had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her carriage, and
+      rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the latter&mdash;a
+      liveried menial&mdash;stoop gracefully forward and kiss Amethyst's hand,
+      may be imagined rather than described. But Jeames heeded not his curses.
+      Having placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly resumed his
+      station behind. Passion or danger seemed to have no impression upon that
+      pale marble face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on coming
+      to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the Frangipane best
+      style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses, the
+      clumsy attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille cisele,
+      with its scalding contents, over the prince's chin, his Mechlin jabot, and
+      the grand cordon of the Legion of honor which he wore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Infame,&rdquo; howled Borodino, &ldquo;tu l'as fait expres!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oui, je l'ai fait expres,&rdquo; said the man, with the most perfect Parisian
+      accent. It was Jeames.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after the
+      morning's service, and he was chassed on the spot. He had been but a week
+      in the house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may possibly
+      elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Singular Wager.&mdash;One night, at the end of last season, the young and
+      eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand pounds
+      with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of M-rt-ng-le, that
+      he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely young
+      heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B-lgr-ve Squ-re. The bet
+      having been made, the earl pretended an illness, and having taken lessons
+      from one of his lordship's own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose name he
+      also borrowed) in 'the MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,' actually succeeded in
+      making an entry into Miss P-ml-co's mansion, where he stopped one week
+      exactly; having time to win his bet, and to save the life of the lady,
+      whom we hear he is about to lead to the altar. He disarmed the Prince of
+      Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands&mdash;and, it is said, appeared
+      at the C&mdash;&mdash; club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a cloak, and
+      displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Such, indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple have not more than
+      nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully, and manage to do
+      good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law and her
+      little grandchildren, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un homme
+      range.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CRINOLINE.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      BY JE-MES PL-SH, ESQ.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I'm not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the
+      igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd paytrons of
+      letarature and true connyshures of merrit&mdash;the great Brittish public&mdash;But
+      I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of rewmantic love, absobbing
+      pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is, in the main fax, TREW. The
+      suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the rain of our presnt Gratious Madjisty
+      and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince Halbert.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18&mdash; (mor I dar not rewheel)
+      there arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and Dover
+      Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate
+      Munseer Jools De Chacabac.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Having read through &ldquo;The Vicker of Wackfield&rdquo; in the same oridganal
+      English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and halways
+      been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for his aytred and
+      orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by the
+      prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris, the very man
+      to come to this country, igsamin its manners and customs, cast an i upon
+      the politticle and finalshle stat of the Hempire, and igspose the
+      mackynations of the infyamous Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir Pill&mdash;both
+      enemies of France; as is every other Britten of that great, gloarus,
+      libberal, and peasable country. In one word, Jools de Chacabac was a
+      penny-a-liner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will go see with my own I's,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;that infimus hiland of which
+      the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and treason. I
+      will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the Chynese,
+      the villians who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany, the artful
+      dodges who wish to smother Europe with their cotton, and can't sleep or
+      rest heasy for henvy and hatred of the great inwinsable French nation. I
+      will igsammin, face to face, these hotty insularies; I will pennytrate
+      into the secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard Palmerston in
+      his denn.&rdquo; When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having been
+      tremenguously sick in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, &ldquo;Enfin je te tiens,
+      Ile maudite! je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre! Je te foule a
+      mes pieds an nom du monde outrage,&rdquo; and so proseaded to inwade the
+      metropulus.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the best of
+      infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went and lodgd in
+      Lester Square&mdash;Lester Squarr, as he calls it&mdash;which, as he was
+      infommed in the printed suckular presented to him by a very greasy but
+      polite comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the town,
+      contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple theayters, the parx, St.
+      Jams Pallice, and the Corts of Lor. &ldquo;I can surwhey them all at one cut of
+      the eye,&rdquo; Jools thought; &ldquo;the Sovring, the infamus Ministers plotting the
+      destruction of my immortial country; the business and pleasure of these
+      pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and see all.&rdquo; So he took
+      a three-pair back in a French hotel, the &ldquo;Hotel de l'Ail,&rdquo; kep by Monsieur
+      Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr, London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In this otell there's a billiard-room on the first floor, and a
+      tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o'clock; and the landlord, who
+      kem into Jools's room smoaking a segar, told the young gent that the house
+      was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who reglar took their
+      dinners there. &ldquo;They can't ebide their own quiseen,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;You'll see
+      what a dinner we'll serve you to-day.&rdquo; Jools wrote off to his paper&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like all
+      the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the indulgence of
+      their luxuries. The nobles of England, quitting their homes, their wives,
+      miladies and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally at the
+      tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel and Palmerston. I
+      fremis to think that I may meet them at the board to-day.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn't dine at the &ldquo;Hotel de l'Ail&rdquo; on
+      that evening. &ldquo;It's quite igstronnary they don't come,&rdquo; said Munseer de
+      l'Ail.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Peraps they're ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de cock,&rdquo;
+       Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was very likely.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of every
+      nation under the sun. Most of the noblemen were great hamatures of hale
+      and porter. The tablecloth was marked over with brown suckles, made by the
+      pewter-pots on that and the previous days.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is the usage here,&rdquo; wrote Jools to his newspaper, &ldquo;among the Anglais
+      of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and porter during
+      their meals. These stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors are
+      served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafanaf (so a certain
+      sort of beer is called) was placed by the side of most of the convives. I
+      was disappointed of seeing Sir Peel: he was engaged to a combat of cocks
+      which occurs at Windsor.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when the
+      gentlemen said &ldquo;Garsong de l'afanaf,&rdquo; but Jool was very much pleased to
+      meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their opinion about the
+      reel state of thinx. Was it likely that the bishops were to be turned out
+      of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true that Lor Palmerston had boxed
+      with Lor Broghamm in the House of Lords, until they were sepparayted by
+      the Lor Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn't he Premier Minister? and
+      wasn't the Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker? He got answers to these
+      questions from the various gents round about during the dinner&mdash;which,
+      he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only dirtier. And he
+      wrote off all the infamation he got to his newspaper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre. His Grace has his
+      dwelling in the City. The Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker, as
+      some people stated. Quakers may not marry, nor sit in the Chamber of
+      Peers. The minor bishops have seats in the House of Commons, where they
+      are attacked by the bitter pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is in
+      the house; he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who conferred
+      upon him the seat,&rdquo; &amp;c. &amp;c.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two Poles, a
+      Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen. This being done amidst more hafanaf,
+      without which nothink is done in England, and as there was no French play
+      that night, he &amp; the two French gents walked round and round Lester
+      Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of other French gents who were smoaking
+      2. And they talked about the granjer of France and the perfidgusness of
+      England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Madame Wharton as
+      Haryadney till bedtime. But befor he slep, he finished his letter you may
+      be sure, and called it his &ldquo;Fust Imprestiuns of Anglyterre.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mind and wake me early,&rdquo; he said to Boots, the ony Brittish subject in
+      the &ldquo;Hotel de l'Ail,&rdquo; and who therefore didn't understand him. &ldquo;I wish to
+      be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE MEN SELL THEIR WIVES.&rdquo; And the
+      young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a one he'd buy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about Hengland
+      and the Henglish&mdash;walking round and round Lester Squarr all day, and
+      every day with the same company, occasionally dewussified by an Oprer
+      Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quadrant
+      admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools was not over well
+      funnisht with pocket-money, and so his pleasure was of the gratis sort
+      cheafly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the aristoxy
+      under the Quadrant&mdash;they were struck all of a heap by seeing&mdash;But,
+      stop! who WAS Jools's friend? Here you have pictures of both&mdash;but the
+      Istory of Jools's friend must be kep for another innings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools de
+      Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London&mdash;not fur, I say, from
+      Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping's Buildings, leading
+      to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin's Lane. You know Pipping's
+      Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where Jools has
+      often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver a-cuttin the varous
+      jints), and by the little fishmungur's, where you remark the mouldy
+      lobsters, the fly-blown picklesammon, the playbills, and the gingybear
+      bottles in the window&mdash;above all, by the &ldquo;Constantinople&rdquo; Divan, kep
+      by the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of &ldquo;a prime sigaw and
+      an exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of Lester
+      Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping's Buildings without
+      seeing a haf a duzen of 'em on the threshole of the extablishment, giving
+      the street an oppertunity of testing the odar of the Misses Mordeky's
+      prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable inside, settn on the
+      counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav'rit whead, the rich and
+      spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly, or the flagrant and arheumatic Qby.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of the
+      young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young Pier, after an arjus day at
+      the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the
+      national beveridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the day,
+      or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam; and of
+      this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of this
+      &ldquo;Constantinople&rdquo; Divan, he became almost as reglar a frequenter as the
+      plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue
+      coffee-cups in the winder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the Diwann,
+      listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland, and boastin of
+      their own immortial country. How they did go on about Wellintun, and what
+      an arty contamp they ad for him!&mdash;how they used to prove that France
+      was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample and hadmiration of the whole
+      world! And though I scarcely take a French paper now-a-days (I lived in
+      early days as groom in a French famly three years, and therefore knows the
+      languidg), though, I say, you can't take up Jools's paper, the Orriflam,
+      without readin that a minister has committed bribery and perjury, or that
+      a littery man has committed perjury and murder, or that a Duke has stabbed
+      his wife in fifty places, or some story equally horrible; yet for all that
+      it's admiral to see how the French gents will swagger&mdash;how they will
+      be the scenters of civilization&mdash;how they will be the Igsamples of
+      Europ, and nothink shall prevent 'em&mdash;knowing they will have it, I
+      say I listen, smokin my pip in silence. But to our tail.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Reglar every evening there came to the &ldquo;Constantanople&rdquo; a young gent
+      etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the cleanlyness of
+      his appearants and linning (which was generally a pink or blew shurt, with
+      a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a contrast to the dinjy and
+      whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young mann had none
+      beyond a little yallow tought to his chin, which you woodn notas, only he
+      was always pulling at it. His statue was diminnative, but his coschume
+      supubb, for he had the tippiest Jane boots, the ivoryheadest canes, the
+      most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most Scotch-plaidest trowseys,
+      of any customer of that establishment. He was univusaly called Milord.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Que est ce jeune seigneur? Who is this young hurl who comes knightly to
+      the 'Constantanople,' who is so proddigl of his gold (for indeed the young
+      gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to the company), and who drinks
+      so much gin?&rdquo; asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the &ldquo;Hotel de
+      l'Ail.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His name is Lord Yardham,&rdquo; answered that friend. &ldquo;He never comes here but
+      at night&mdash;and why?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Y?&rdquo; igsclaimed Jools, istonisht.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why? because he is engaygd all day&mdash;and do you know where he is
+      engaygd all day?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where?&rdquo; asked Jools.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At the Foring Office&mdash;NOW do you begin to understand?&rdquo;&mdash;Jools
+      trembled.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.&mdash;&ldquo;Who IS the head of
+      that offis?&mdash;Palmerston.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The nephew of Palmerston!&rdquo; said Jools, almost in a fit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French,&rdquo; the other went on. &ldquo;He
+      pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo. Shallow humbug!&mdash;I
+      have marked him during our conversations.&mdash;When we have spoken of the
+      glory of France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and his
+      perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have discussed before him, the
+      Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and Raggybritchovich has shown us the
+      next Circassian Campaign, or Sapousne has laid hare the plan of the
+      Calabrian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this stranger&mdash;this
+      Lor Yardham. He smokes, 'tis to conceal his countenance; he drinks gin,
+      'tis to hide his face in the goblet. And be sure, he carries every word of
+      our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his uncle.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will beard him in his den,&rdquo; thought Jools. &ldquo;I will meet him
+      corps-a-corps&mdash;the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his nephew,
+      and I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      When Lor Yardham came to the &ldquo;Constantanople&rdquo; that night, Jools i'd him
+      savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the same. It wasn't
+      much for either to do&mdash;neyther being more than 4 foot ten hi&mdash;Jools
+      was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was as brayv as a
+      lion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah, l'Angleterre, l'Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche,&rdquo; said Jools,
+      crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wee,&rdquo; said Lord Yardham; &ldquo;wee.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Delenda est Carthago!&rdquo; howled out Jools.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, wee,&rdquo; said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas of
+      ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, &ldquo;A voternsanty, Munseer:&rdquo;
+       and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A light broak on Jools's mind as he igsepted the refreshmint. &ldquo;Sapoase,&rdquo;
+       he said, &ldquo;instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the infamous Palmerston,
+      I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump him&mdash;suppose I unveil
+      his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may hear the name of
+      Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honor may glitter on my bosom.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      So axepting Lord Yardham's cortasy, he returned it by ordering another
+      glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on the counter,
+      where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night. To everything he
+      said, the Earl of Yardham answered, &ldquo;Wee, wee;&rdquo; except at the end of the
+      evening, when he squeeged his &amp; and said, &ldquo;Bong swore.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There's nothing like goin amongst 'em to equire the reel pronounciation,&rdquo;
+       his lordship said, as he let himself into his lodgings with his latch-key.
+      &ldquo;That was a very eloquent young gent at the 'Constantinople,' and I'll
+      patronize him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!&rdquo; Jools remarked to himself as he went to
+      bed in his &ldquo;Hotel de l'Ail.&rdquo; And they met the next night, and from that
+      heavning the young men were continyually together.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking, and
+      Lord Yardham saying, &ldquo;Wee, wee,&rdquo; they were struck all of a heap by seeing&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the nex
+      number.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      III. THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum of
+      Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind would say)
+      never chaumed his i's within a site more lovely, or vu'd a pallis more
+      magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew
+      Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes the selvery Garonne
+      wines, like&mdash;like a benevvolent sarpent. In its plasid busum antient
+      cassles, picturask willidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple
+      hills, crownd with inteak ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle
+      greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from
+      which the appy and peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden waving
+      cornfealds, and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are graysinn;
+      while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the leisure
+      mominx on his loot&mdash;these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the rurial
+      felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de Viddlers were
+      bawn.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor and of
+      the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and
+      Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chamberleng of the
+      Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.&mdash;is
+      the twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the Tittle; is disended
+      lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as antient a paddygree as any
+      which the Ollywell Street frends of the Member of Buckinumsheer can
+      supply.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His Marchyniss, the lovely &amp; ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon,
+      quitted this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her lord with
+      the two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in whomb, after the
+      loss of that angle his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on
+      huth. In all his emusemints they ecumpanied him; their edjacation was his
+      sole bisniss; he atcheaved it with the assistnce of the ugliest and most
+      lernid masters, and the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which money
+      could procure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these Budds,
+      which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming flagrance
+      round his pirentle Busm!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and his
+      lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their naybrood but was edawned by
+      their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern't rendered appy. It
+      was a pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk were wertuous
+      &amp; tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled drab shoes, and beautiful
+      snowy air. All the old women had peaked ats, and crooked cains, and chince
+      gowns tucked into the pockits of their quiltid petticoats; they sat in
+      pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the lads and lassis of the
+      villidges danst under the hellums. O, tis a noble sight to whitniss that
+      of an appy pheasantry! Not one of those rustic wassals of the Ouse of
+      Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his shirt-sheaves tied up with pink
+      ribbing as he led to the macy dance some appy country gal, with a black
+      velvit boddice and a redd or yaller petticoat, a hormylu cross on her
+      neck, and a silver harrow in her air!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the Marcus &amp; ther young ladies came to the villidge it would have
+      done the i's of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved 'em! The
+      little children scattered calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired
+      old men with red faces and rinkles took off their brown paper ats to slewt
+      the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a woodn bank painted to look
+      like a bower of roses, and when they were sett down danst ballys before
+      them. O 'twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint with
+      fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses with
+      their ploomes, and trains, and little coronicks!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls, and had
+      no end of pallises, willers, and town and country resadences; but their
+      fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of the Island of Fogo.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt dixcribe
+      the gawjusness of their aboad. They add twenty-four footmen in livery,
+      besides a boy in codroys for the knives &amp; shoes. They had nine meels
+      aday&mdash;Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young
+      ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry-cobblers,
+      lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to ring the bell and call
+      for what they chose. They had two new dresses every day&mdash;one to ride
+      out in the open carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of the
+      Castle of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night like
+      Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there ready to dance with them,
+      and festif suppers concludid the jawyus night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon this
+      happy fammaly. Etached to his Princes and abommanating the ojus Lewyphlip,
+      the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the helder branch of the
+      Borebones&mdash;and what was the consquince?&mdash;One night a fleat
+      presented itself round the Castle of the Island of Fogo&mdash;and
+      skewering only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus and the two young
+      ladies in disgyise, fled from that island of bliss. And whither fled they?&mdash;To
+      England!&mdash;England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world,
+      where the pore slave never setts his foot but he is free!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by the
+      Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their page from
+      Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps for the
+      umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his equaintnce, Munseer
+      Jools, had remarked and admired.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble Marcus?&mdash;That
+      is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      THE STARS AND STRIPES.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE AUTHOR OR &ldquo;THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS,&rdquo; &ldquo;PILOT,&rdquo; ETC
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the fairest,
+      not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal arm; while the
+      children of France were indulging in their infantile hilarity in the
+      alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which Niblo's garden
+      has been copied in our own Empire city of New York), and playing at
+      leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of Provence; gaudy courtiers,
+      emlazoned with orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous
+      talk in the ears of high-bred beauty.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Marie, my beloved,&rdquo; said the ruler of France, taking out his watch, &ldquo;'tis
+      time that the Minister of America should be here.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Your Majesty should know the time,&rdquo; replied Marie Antoinette, archly, and
+      in an Austrian accent; &ldquo;is not my Royal Louis the first watchmaker in his
+      empire?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with courtly
+      grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment. &ldquo;My Lord
+      Bishop of Autun,&rdquo; said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand Perigord, who followed
+      the royal pair, in his quality of arch-chamberlain of the empire, &ldquo;I pray
+      you look through the gardens, and tell his Excellency Doctor Franklin that
+      the King waits.&rdquo; The Bishop ran off, with more than youthful agility, to
+      seek the United States' Minister. &ldquo;These Republicans,&rdquo; he added,
+      confidentially, and with something of a supercilious look, &ldquo;are but rude
+      courtiers, methinks.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nay,&rdquo; interposed the lovely Antoinette, &ldquo;rude courtiers, Sire, they may
+      be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished gentlemen. I have seen
+      no grandee of Versailles that has the noble bearing of this American envoy
+      and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World, with all the
+      simple elegance of the New. Though they have perfect dignity of manner,
+      they have an engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled by the best
+      of the proud English nobles with whom they wage war. I am told they speak
+      their very language with a grace which the haughty Islanders who oppress
+      them never attained. They are independent, yet never insolent; elegant,
+      yet always respectful; and brave, but not in the least boastful.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What! savages and all, Marie?&rdquo; exclaimed Louis, laughing, and chucking
+      the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin. &ldquo;But here comes Doctor
+      Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him.&rdquo; In fact, as the monarch
+      spoke, the Minister of the United States made his appearance, followed by
+      a gigantic warrior in the garb of his native woods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even then in
+      dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in valor, in honesty,
+      in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor nodded to the Queen of France,
+      but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and did not cease
+      whittling the cane he carried in his hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I was waiting for you, sir,&rdquo; the King said, peevishly, in spite of the
+      alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of your
+      Majesty's wishes,&rdquo; replied Dr. Franklin. &ldquo;When I was a poor printer's boy
+      and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben Franklin; but
+      all other things must yield to the service of the United States of North
+      America. I have done. What would you, Sire?&rdquo; and the intrepid republican
+      eyed the monarch with a serene and easy dignity, which made the descendant
+      of St. Louis feel ill at ease.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I wished to&mdash;to say farewell to Tatua before his departure,&rdquo; said
+      Louis XVI., looking rather awkward. &ldquo;Approach, Tatua.&rdquo; And the gigantic
+      Indian strode up, and stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the
+      French nation: again the feeble monarch quailed before the terrible
+      simplicity of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval forests.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his
+      war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock's feather, which had been
+      given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe. His
+      nose, from which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe took its
+      designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of green and orange was
+      drawn round each eye, while serpentine stripes of black, white, and
+      vermilion alternately were smeared on his forehead, and descended over his
+      cheek-bones to his chin. His manly chest was similarly tattooed and
+      painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung innumerable bracelets and
+      necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only from each skull) from the
+      jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible tomahawk at his girdle. His
+      moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped on his arm and fell in
+      picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with tufts of hair&mdash;the
+      black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet of beauty, the red lock
+      from the forehead of the Scottish or the Northern soldier, the snowy tress
+      of extreme old age, the flaxen down of infancy&mdash;all were there,
+      dreadful reminiscences of the chief's triumphs in war. The warrior leaned
+      on his enormous rifle, and faced the King.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in '57?&rdquo; said Louis,
+      eying the warrior and his weapon. &ldquo;'Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I
+      could mend it,&rdquo; he added mentally.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth,&rdquo; Tatua said. &ldquo;Tatua was
+      a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!&rdquo; said the King.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The English are braves, though their faces are white,&rdquo; replied the
+      Indian. &ldquo;Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other wolves
+      caused the foxes to go to earth.&rdquo; A smile played round Dr. Franklin's
+      lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere than at
+      Quebec,&rdquo; the King said, appealing to the American Envoy: &ldquo;at Bunker's
+      Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave
+      Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but that the
+      war will finish quickly&mdash;yes, yes, it will finish quickly. They will
+      teach you discipline, and the way to conquer.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;King Louis of France,&rdquo; said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over his
+      head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, &ldquo;we have learned that from the
+      British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I'd have your Majesty
+      to know that in the art of whipping the world we have no need of any
+      French lessons. If your reglars jine General Washington, 'tis to larn from
+      HIM how Britishers are licked; for I'm blest if YU know the way yet.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Tatua said, &ldquo;Ugh,&rdquo; and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine, which
+      made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely Antoinette flashed
+      fire, but it played round the head of the dauntless American Envoy
+      harmless as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order of the
+      Bath. &ldquo;Your Excellency wears no honor,&rdquo; the monarch said; &ldquo;but Tatua, who
+      is not a subject, only an ally, of the United States, may. Noble Tatua, I
+      appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the Bath. Wear this
+      cross upon your breast in memory of Louis of France;&rdquo; and the King held
+      out the decoration to the Chief.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Up to that moment the Chief's countenance had been impassible. No look
+      either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim and
+      war-painted visage. But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua's face assumed a glance
+      of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will give it to one of my squaws,&rdquo; he said. &ldquo;The papooses in my lodge
+      will play with it. Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink fire-water;&rdquo;
+       and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony
+      upon the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of the walks of
+      the garden. Franklin found him when his own interview with the French
+      Chief Magistrate was over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief
+      was, by the crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his quiet
+      way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the &ldquo;Repudiator,&rdquo; was
+      sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian might be seen
+      standing on the binnacle in conversation with Commodore Bowie, the
+      commander of the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went to the
+      Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French pale-faces.
+      Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety and the crowd of
+      cities; the stout mariner's home was in the puttock-shrouds of the old
+      &ldquo;Repudiator.&rdquo; The stern and simple trapper loved the sound of the waters
+      better than the jargon of the French of the old country. &ldquo;I can follow the
+      talk of a Pawnee,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids me to
+      speak, by a Sioux's council-fire and I can patter Canadian French with the
+      hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or Thichimuchimachy; but from
+      the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour on her head, and war-paint
+      on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty Pumpo.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Amen and amen!&rdquo; said Tom Coxswain. &ldquo;There was a woman in our aft-scuppers
+      when I went a-whalin in the little 'Grampus'&mdash;and Lord love you,
+      Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as ever dowsed a
+      tarpauling&mdash;there was a woman on board the 'Grampus,' who before we'd
+      struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, set the whole crew in a
+      mutiny. I mind me of her now, Natty,&mdash;her eye was sich a piercer that
+      you could see to steer by it in a Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out
+      like the 'Grampus's' jibboom, and her woice, Lord love you, her woice
+      sings in my ears even now:&mdash;it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the
+      Mate, who was hanged in Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in
+      Baffin's Bay;&mdash;it set me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into
+      each other's old timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that
+      ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years' pay as I'd stowed away for
+      the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only bad luck to
+      me, she went and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and I've hated
+      women and tailors ever since!&rdquo; As he spoke, the hardy tar dashed a drop of
+      brine from his tawny cheek, and once more betook himself to splice the
+      taffrail.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle. The
+      gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon the
+      enemy's seaboard. The coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have
+      still many a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British
+      fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terrible &ldquo;Repudiator.&rdquo;
+       She was the first of the mighty American war-ships that have taught the
+      domineering Briton to respect the valor of the Republic.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the sterner tone
+      of the historian, when describing deeds connected with his country's
+      triumphs. It is well known that during the two months in which she lay off
+      Havre, the &ldquo;Repudiator&rdquo; had brought more prizes into that port than had
+      ever before been seen in the astonished French waters. Her actions with
+      the &ldquo;Dettingen&rdquo; and the &ldquo;Elector&rdquo; frigates form part of our country's
+      history; their defence&mdash;it may be said without prejudice to national
+      vanity&mdash;was worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had to
+      encounter; and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which
+      presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of the
+      combat might have been in favor of the British vessels. It was not until
+      the &ldquo;Elector&rdquo; blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a lucky shot which
+      fell into her caboose, and communicated with the powder-magazine, that
+      Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on board the &ldquo;Dettingen,&rdquo; which
+      he carried sword in hand. Even when the American boarders had made their
+      lodgment on the &ldquo;Dettingen's&rdquo; binnacle, it is possible that the battle
+      would still have gone against us. The British were still seven to one;
+      their carronades, loaded with marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which
+      we had possession, and decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from
+      the shrouds of the &ldquo;Repudiator&rdquo; shot Captain Mumford under the star of the
+      Guelphic Order which he wore, and the Americans, with a shout, rushed up
+      the companion to the quarter-deck, upon the astonished foe. Pike and
+      cutlass did the rest of the bloody work. Rumford, the gigantic
+      first-lieutenant of the &ldquo;Dettingen,&rdquo; was cut down by Commodore Bowie's own
+      sword, as they engaged hand to hand; and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down
+      the British flag, after having slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be
+      to the souls of the brave! The combat was honorable alike to the victor
+      and the vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior
+      depreciated a gallant foe. The bitterness of defeat was enough to the
+      haughty islanders who had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining
+      the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel must have been the
+      pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes rise over the old flag of
+      the Union, and the &ldquo;Dettingen&rdquo; fall down the river in tow of the
+      Republican frigate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring perhaps
+      ever imagined by seaman. It is this which has been so wrongly described by
+      European annalists, and of which the British until now have maintained the
+      most jealous secrecy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended. Our intelligence in that town and
+      arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of the troops, the
+      forts, and the ships there; and it was determined to strike a blow which
+      should shake the British power in its centre.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That a frigate of the size of the &ldquo;Repudiator&rdquo; should enter the harbor
+      unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the notions of even
+      American temerity. But upon the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the
+      &ldquo;Repudiator&rdquo; sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover of
+      which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle of Wight.
+      To surprise the Martello Tower and take the feeble garrison thereunder,
+      was the work of Tom Coxswain and a few of his blue-jackets. The surprised
+      garrison laid down their arms before him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by Lieutenant
+      Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and in another hour
+      were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenges of
+      the &ldquo;Thetis&rdquo; and the &ldquo;Amphion&rdquo; frigates, and the &ldquo;Polyanthus&rdquo; brig.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board the
+      Flag-ship lying in the harbor. A banquet had been given in honor of the
+      birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of the Guelphs&mdash;the
+      reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All on
+      board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The Flag-ship was
+      plunged in a deathlike and drunken sleep. The very officer of the watch
+      was intoxicated: he could not see the &ldquo;Repudiator's&rdquo; boats as they shot
+      swiftly through the waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as
+      they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the &ldquo;Royal George&rdquo;&mdash;the
+      Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet. The hatches were down. The
+      ship was in possession of the &ldquo;Repudiator's&rdquo; crew. They were busy in her
+      rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of the harbor. The well-known
+      heave of the men at the windlass woke up Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We
+      know, or rather do not know, the result; for who can tell by whom the
+      lower-deck ports of the brave ship were opened, and how the haughty
+      prisoners below sunk the ship and its conquerors rather than yield her as
+      a prize to the Republic!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. His tale was told to
+      his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its publication; and
+      it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it to me, his grandson, on
+      his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST BROWN TO THE EMINENT NOVELIST
+      SNOOKS.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;CAFE DES AVEUGLES.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;MY DEAR SNOOKS,&mdash;I am on the look-out here for materials for
+      original comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in
+      the course of my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which I
+      think will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable novel,
+      'The Mysteries of May Fair,' to an end&mdash;(by the way, the scene, in
+      the 200th number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit
+      Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)&mdash;and,
+      of course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and we
+      may expect that your pen shall not be idle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the
+      French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and, indeed, I
+      found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French
+      literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the invention.
+      He and an advertisement agent fell out about a question of money, the
+      affair was brought before the courts, and the little plot so got wind. But
+      there is no reason why you should not take the plot and act on it
+      yourself. You are a known man; the public relishes your works; anything
+      bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses; and though
+      Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay you handsomely, I make no doubt
+      you would like to be rewarded at a still higher figure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days is good
+      for nothing. This one writes with a socialist purpose; that with a
+      conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most delicate
+      skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a
+      Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with Low Church remedies
+      to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down unsuspiciously, as
+      children do calomel in jelly. Fiction advocates all sorts of truth and
+      causes&mdash;doesn't the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in
+      everything? M. Gonzales's plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear
+      Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement novel. Look over The Times or
+      the 'Directory,' walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day&mdash;see
+      what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication with their
+      proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your studs, and the tip on your
+      chin, I don't know any greater swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into the shops,
+      I say, ask for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying, 'I am the
+      great Snooks; I am the author of the &ldquo;Mysteries of May Fair;&rdquo; my weekly
+      sale is 281,000; I am about to produce a new work called &ldquo;The Palaces of
+      Pimlico, or the Curse of the Court,&rdquo; describing and lashing fearlessly the
+      vices of the aristocracy; this book will have a sale of at least 530,000;
+      it will be on every table&mdash;in the boudoir of the pampered duke, as in
+      the chamber of the honest artisan. The myriads of foreigners who are
+      coming to London, and are anxious to know about our national manners, will
+      purchase my book, and carry it to their distant homes. So, Mr. Taylor, or
+      Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how much will you stand if I recommend
+      you in my forthcoming novel?' You may make a noble income in this way,
+      Snooks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what more
+      delightful, than the description of upholstery? As thus:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous ottomans,
+      the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes, when Lord
+      Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of Tomkins's elastic
+      Axminster carpets. &ldquo;Good heavens, my lord!&rdquo; she said&mdash;and the lovely
+      creature fainted. The Earl rushed to the mantel-piece, where he saw a
+      flacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and,' &amp;c.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as
+      easily, as thus:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately at his
+      wife, 'but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble wants? The
+      rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or Gobiggin's, but we can get our
+      rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's for 20L.' And putting on her
+      bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her husband, the stoker's pretty
+      bride tripped gayly to the well-known mart, where Timmonson, within his
+      usual affability, was ready to receive them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. 'Where did
+      you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or what you please?'
+      said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The voluptuous
+      Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So-and-So's.' The answer is obvious.
+      You may furnish your cellar or your larder in this way. Begad, Snooks! I
+      lick my lips at the very idea.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &amp;c., how easy to get a
+      word for them! Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington with an
+      assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple but
+      aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the secret. Parvy Newcome
+      really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent and crooked,
+      Schneider had managed to give him, &amp;c. Don't you see what a stroke of
+      business you might do in this way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The shoemaker.&mdash;Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the
+      ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by Chevillett
+      of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The hairdresser.&mdash;'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said
+      the Earl. 'I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has not a
+      single gray hair.' Wiggins laughed. 'My good Lord Baldock,' said the old
+      wag, 'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of Ducroissant's shop, and under
+      his valet's arm&mdash;ho! ho! ho!'&mdash;and the two bon-vivans chuckled
+      as the Count passed by, talking with, &amp;c. &amp;c.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The gunmaker.&mdash;'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed
+      before his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one of
+      Clicker's manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the maker and
+      the weapon. &ldquo;One, two, THREE,&rdquo; cried O'Tool, and the two pistols went off
+      at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Lifeguardsman,' &amp;c.&mdash;A
+      sentence of this nature from your pen, my dear Snooks, would, I should
+      think, bring a case of pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your
+      lodgings; and, though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you might
+      sell them, you know, and we could make merry with the proceeds.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear
+      Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember your
+      friend.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ.,
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      WITH HIS LETTERS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      A LUCKY SPECULATOR.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower circles in
+      the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which has befallen
+      James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family in Berkeley
+      Square.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a banker in
+      the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said he had saved a
+      little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to invest his savings
+      to advantage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, the
+      well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, Diddler, and
+      Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of his savings,
+      wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty guineas&mdash;the
+      main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings, and perfumery&mdash;Mr.
+      Plush could have managed to lay by anything.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN
+      RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand pounds. He
+      had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from a
+      fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley
+      Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having instructed
+      the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to apply at the
+      area-bell.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P. by the
+      hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the breakfast
+      which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently invited him to her
+      grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss Emily Flimsy,
+      her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid the lucky gentleman
+      MARKED ATTENTION.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de la
+      Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which he has
+      started bears the ancient coat of his race.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of thirty-three
+      railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the next general
+      election on decidedly conservative principles, which have always been the
+      politics of his family.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy had
+      remarked his high demeanor. Well, 'None but the brave,' say we, 'deserve
+      the fair.'&rdquo;&mdash;Morning Paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been put
+      into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, they are
+      written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire borrowed the sum on
+      which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with sympathy at her
+      tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such artless language?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor callous;
+      if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr. Plush will do her
+      justice.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers
+     were first published.
+</pre>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.
+
+           &ldquo;A HELIGY.
+</pre>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+          &ldquo;Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate,
+            Come all ye ladies maids so fair&mdash;     Vile I a story
+          vill relate
+            Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square.
+          A tighter lad, it is confest,
+            Neer valked with powder in his air,
+          Or vore a nosegay in his breast,
+            Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+          &ldquo;O Evns! it vas the best of sights,
+            Behind his Master's coach and pair,
+          To see our Jeames in red plush tights,
+            A driving hoff from Buckley Square.
+          He vel became his hagwilletts,
+            He cocked his at with SUCH a hair;
+          His calves and viskers VAS such pets,
+            That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+          &ldquo;He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell,
+            And o! I vithered vith despair,
+          Missis VOULD ring the parler bell,
+            And call up Jeames in Buckley Square.
+          Both beer and sperrits he abhord,
+            (Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,)
+          You would have thought he vas a lord
+            Down in our All in Buckley Square.
+
+          &ldquo;Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann,
+            Ven I've an under'd pound to spare,
+          To take a public is my plan,
+            And leave this hojous Buckley Square.'
+          O how my gentle heart did bound,
+            To think that I his name should bear.
+          'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound;
+            And gev them him in Buckley Square.
+
+          &ldquo;Our master vas a City gent,
+            His name's in railroads everywhere,
+          And lord, vot lots of letters vent
+            Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square:
+          My Jeames it was the letters took,
+            And read them all, (I think it's fair,)
+          And took a leaf from Master's book,
+            As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square.
+
+          Encouraged with my twenty pound,
+            Of which poor I was unavare,
+          He wrote the Companies all round,
+            And signed hisself from Buckley Square.
+          And how John Porter used to grin,
+            As day by day, share after share,
+          Came railvay letters pouring in,
+            'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.'
+
+          &ldquo;Our servants' All was in a rage&mdash;
+             Scrip, stock,
+          curves, gradients, bull and bear,
+          Vith butler, coachman, groom and page,
+            Vas all the talk in Buckley Square.
+          But O! imagine vot I felt
+            Last Vensday veek as ever were;
+          I gits a letter, which I spelt
+            'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.'
+
+          &ldquo;He sent me back my money true&mdash;
+             He sent me back my lock of air,
+          And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew
+            To Mary Hann and Buckley Square.
+          Think not to marry, foolish Hann,
+            With people who your betters are;
+          James Plush is now a gentleman,
+            And you&mdash;a cook in Buckley Square.
+
+          &ldquo;'I've thirty thousand guineas won,
+            In six short months, by genus rare;
+          You little thought what Jeames was on,
+            Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square.
+          I've thirty thousand guineas net,
+            Powder and plush I scorn to vear;
+          And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget
+            For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a flood
+      of tears.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A LETTER FROM &ldquo;JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;SIR,&mdash;Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to
+      state that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was your
+      abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the delligit
+      feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have NO IDEER of being
+      made the subject of newspaper criticism.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my name in
+      your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the HINMOST PASHSN
+      OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the public
+      emusemint.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies of my
+      engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their rupsher?
+      Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN A DOGGRIL BALLIT
+      impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY time at least, Mary Hann
+      could only sign her + mark (has I've hoften witnist it for her when she
+      paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and
+      making POATRY, she was as HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a footman
+      in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my affections to
+      Mary Hann&mdash;a feller not five foot six, and with no more calves to his
+      legs than a donkey&mdash;who was always a-ritin (having been a doctor's
+      boy) and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well recklex) at
+      the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but of me. He has
+      signed Miss H's name to his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself hopen
+      to a haction for libel for insutting them in your paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I borrowed
+      20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. Can hall people say
+      as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed? No. And I not only paid it
+      back, but giv her the andsomest pres'nts: WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
+      ALLUDED TO, but for this attack. Fust, a silver thimble (which I found in
+      Missus's work-box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems; third, I halways
+      brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she was
+      remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice, (and halways a srimp or
+      a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT ATTENTIONS, which I sapose
+      count for NOTHINK.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable. I was
+      gone into a new spear of life&mdash;mingling with my native aristoxy. I
+      breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his a hilliterit
+      cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank
+      genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i's upon a low-born
+      gal, I needn say it's only a tempory distraction, pore passy le tong. So
+      much for HER claims upon me. Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR'S BOY he's
+      unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow much
+      has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and what was his
+      cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated Jewdicious, and ham
+      what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, and praps you haven't)&mdash;So
+      may you be: if you choose to go in &amp; win.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a hundred
+      instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of hosses I bought
+      (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in hany curracle,) I
+      crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my transackshns in that
+      railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my Dublin and Galway. He
+      came down with me the other day, and I've jest sold him at 1/4 discount.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my stables,
+      one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a confidenshle
+      servant, a vally de shamber&mdash;He curls my air; inspex my accounts, and
+      hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my TRENT VALLY, for
+      it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which injuiced me to
+      ingage him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge&mdash;I have two
+      handsom suvvices for dinner&mdash;the goold plate for Sundays, and the
+      silver for common use. When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to my man,
+      'we will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else
+      the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' I bought them after realizing on
+      the abuf lines, and if people suppose that the companys made me a presnt
+      of the plate, how can I help it?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid Hexeter!'
+      or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!' HE knows what I mean: it's the
+      wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of my connexshn with those
+      two railroads.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand
+      Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened
+      (provisionally) Rosamell&mdash;from the French line of which I am
+      Director; and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, 'Doctor,'
+      says I to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult you because my Midlands
+      are out of horder; and I want you to send them up to a premium.' The
+      Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has been to
+      CLEAR MY CARRATER&mdash;to show that I came by my money in a honrable way:
+      that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned it, and ham indeed
+      grateful for my good fortune.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I don't
+      mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You are
+      corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more than
+      Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; but the primmier being of
+      low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. Consurvative though I
+      be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS before the next Election, when I intend to
+      hoffer myself as a Candydick for Parlymint.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Your most obeajnt Survnt,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE.&rdquo; THE DIARY.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office,
+      evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He had no
+      flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were certainly two days
+      old. He had not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his
+      great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of the
+      rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation to
+      fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit to adorn himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?&rdquo; said we pleasantly, greeting our esteemed
+      contributor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Scrip be &mdash;&mdash;,&rdquo; replied he, with an expression we cannot
+      repeat, and a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and
+      walked about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers,
+      and showing other signs of agitation. At last, &ldquo;MR. PUNCH,&rdquo; says he, after
+      a moment's hesitation, &ldquo;I wish to speak to you on a pint of businiss. I
+      wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper. Suckmstances is
+      altered with me. I&mdash;I&mdash;in a word, CAN you lend me &mdash;L. for
+      the account?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to mention it
+      here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs. Pump and
+      Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest fellow's eyes. He
+      squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting to a cab, he
+      plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the City.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open
+      pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we took an
+      inventory. It contained&mdash;three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor's ditto,
+      unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six
+      thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we take,
+      on an average, to be 1/4 discount; and in an old bit of paper tied with
+      pink ribbon a lock of chestnut hair, with the initials M. A. H.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the
+      proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are insignificant: as,
+      for instance:&mdash;&ldquo;3rd January&mdash;Our beer in the Suvnts' hall so
+      PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely MUSS give warning,
+      &amp; wood, but for my dear Mary Hann. February 7&mdash;That broot Screw,
+      the Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary Hann boxt his hold hears,
+      &amp; served him right. I DATEST Screw,&rdquo;&mdash;and so forth. Then the
+      diary relates to Stock Exchange operations, until we come to the time
+      when, having achieved his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and
+      his livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman upon town.
+      It is from the latter part of his diary that we make the following
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      EXTRAX:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that by the
+      exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a summ of 20,000
+      lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann depreshiating the qualaty
+      of his own mackyrel?)&mdash;wen I enounced my abrup intention to cut&mdash;you
+      should have sean the sensation among hall the people! Cook wanted to know
+      whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or the slise of the breast of a Cold
+      Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a hinsalant
+      hoverbaring beest,) begged me to walk into the Hupper Servnts All, and try
+      a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his
+      and, &amp; said, 'Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you &amp;
+      me, &amp; I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The sickofnts!&mdash;that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper
+      ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I'm
+      remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him for his
+      precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry (he never
+      would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs); and in
+      regard of Visp&mdash;why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest
+      hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused.
+      Gentlemen and ladies,' says I, as haughty as may be, 'there's nothink that
+      I want for that I can't go for to buy with my hown money, and take at my
+      lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh
+      myself in the KITCHING.' And so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these
+      minnial domestics; and ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back,
+      brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries for
+      hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames Street, and
+      which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious to
+      evoid a persnal leave-taking&mdash;Mary Hann Oggins, I mean&mdash;for my
+      art is natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I'd
+      given her previous the infamation of my departure&mdash;doing the ansom
+      thing by her at the same time&mdash;paying her back 20 lb., which she'd
+      lent me 6 months before: and paying her back not only the interest, but I
+      gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by way of
+      boanus. 'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif
+      positions in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for has for your
+      marrying a person in my rank, that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I
+      wish you a good-by, my good gal, and if you want to better yourself,
+      halways refer to me.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable kind),
+      but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into somethink
+      betwigst a laugh &amp; a cry, and fell down with her ed on the kitching
+      dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room bell.
+      Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil &amp; things, &amp; my check for
+      20lb. 10s., on the tabil when she went to hanser the bell. And now I heard
+      her sobbing and vimpering in her own room nex but one to mine, vith the
+      dore open, peraps expecting I should come in and say good-by. But, as soon
+      as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring Frederick my
+      fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting permission to take leaf
+      of my lady &amp; the famly before my departure.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what a sweet
+      gal she was&mdash;hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then she
+      hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I
+      don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly's his&mdash;and has
+      for a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a Halbino, and her face looks as
+      if it were dipt in a brann mash. How she squeeged my &amp; as she went
+      away!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and hivory, and
+      I's as blew as Evin.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb&mdash;been resolved to
+      hact the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;25th.&mdash;I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and
+      have past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new soots of
+      close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise
+      me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a footman in disguise
+      hafter all.'&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;28th.&mdash;Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a wopper at
+      singing. I coodn make out why some people called out 'Bravo,' some
+      'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says I, at which
+      heverybody laft.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms in goold
+      on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold waistcoat and dimind
+      studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia Jiponiky
+      in my button-ole, and have a double-barreld opera-glas, so big, that I
+      make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the other cabb.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four gals are
+      faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all that they can
+      do, and somethink they can't. There's an indiscrible grace about her, and
+      Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on the
+      fourth tear?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;P.S.&mdash;Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per cent
+      this very day.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;2nd July.&mdash;Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me,
+      Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion, Honorable
+      Capting Trap, &amp; sevral hother young swells. Sir John's carridge there
+      in coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I'm obleged to
+      get hoff and pick it hup, &amp; get splashed up to the his. The gettin on
+      hossback agin is halways the juice &amp; hall. Just as I was on,
+      Desperation begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so
+      on his anches, that I'm blest if I didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at
+      which Ballybunnion &amp; the hother chaps rord with lafter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St. Helena
+      direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon Junction,' from
+      Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup heagerly.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;6th July.&mdash;Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh
+      bords of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw &amp; Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils
+      through Snowding and Plinlimming.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd in the
+      vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives &amp; forks; Welsh rabbit
+      after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he went strummint on
+      his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried it, and
+      I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue i's. Why HAM I
+      always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is sasiety, it's lors is
+      irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a serving-made. What would
+      Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;P.S.&mdash;I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money,
+      &amp; halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,'
+      Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is the best
+      in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and seventeen pound sixteen
+      and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' Richmond, with the Countess St. Emilion
+      &amp; the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of French could I speak, and
+      in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself halmost sick with
+      heating hices and desert, while the hothers were chattering and
+      parlyvooing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we were more
+      happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-beer betwigst us),
+      more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with hall this splender!&rdquo;&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;July 24.&mdash;My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely and
+      chasely furnished&mdash;the droring-room with yellow satting and silver
+      for the chairs and sophies&mdash;hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink
+      velvet &amp; goold borders and fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit,
+      embroydered with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &amp;c., as
+      handsome as goold can make them, and candle-sticks and shandalers of the
+      purest Hormolew.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round igspanding
+      table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any number from 8 to 24&mdash;to
+      which it is my wish to restrict my parties. Curtings crimsing damask,
+      Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men decorats the
+      wall&mdash;namely, the Duke of Wellington. There's four of his Grace. For
+      I've remarked that if you wish to pass for a man of weight and
+      considdration you should holways praise and quote him. I have a valluble
+      one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert&mdash;has a Field
+      Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are
+      daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins &amp;
+      the Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which
+      Cinqbars has made me Capting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Libery is not yet done.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see it! such
+      a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with Walanseens Lace, and
+      lighted up of evenings with rose-colored tapers. Goold dressing-case and
+      twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold with curtings of pink and
+      silver brocayd held up a top by a goold Qpid who seems always a smilin
+      angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with
+      the finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2 groombs, and a
+      fimmale for the House. I've 7 osses: in cors if I hunt this winter I must
+      increase my ixtablishment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.;
+      Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the new
+      lines in prospick equily incouraging.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us fashnabble
+      gents about townd&mdash;But I can tell 'em it's not hall goold that
+      glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour ours of studdy and
+      reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire,
+      worling round in a walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly stepping a
+      kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into the Countess's hear
+      at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover the exorcisin ground in
+      the Park,&mdash;they little think that leader of the tong, seaminkly so
+      reckliss, is a careworn mann! and yet so it is.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at double
+      quick, &amp; to apply myself with treemenjuous energy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;First,&mdash;in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman reely
+      is, I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go through it 4
+      times mor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and &amp; a sure seat
+      across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding
+      Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've suffered
+      from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have been
+      surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the apartmince of
+      Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my dancing-master. From six
+      to nine we have walces and polkies&mdash;at nine, 'mangtiang &amp;
+      depotment,' as he calls it &amp; the manner of hentering a room,
+      complimenting the ost and ostess &amp; compotting yourself at table. At
+      nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to a party), I make my bow&mdash;my
+      master (he's a Marquis in France, and ad misfortins, being connected with
+      young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me&mdash;I hadwance&mdash;speak abowt the
+      weather &amp; the toppix of the day in an elegant &amp; cussory manner.
+      Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann&mdash;we precede to the festive
+      bord&mdash;complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind,
+      addressing your neighbor, employing your napking &amp; finger-glas, &amp;c.
+      And then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat
+      like a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well&mdash;soon I shall be able
+      to inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr.
+      Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of Hancient
+      Rum;') &amp; the great Mr. Rodgers himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins then,
+      reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts&mdash;Barnits as many as I
+      chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form a member. Last
+      Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my friends: the display was
+      sumptious; the company reshershy. Everything that Dellixy could suggest
+      was provided by Gunter. I had a Countiss on my right &amp; (the Countess
+      of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be
+      called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H&mdash;&mdash; is the
+      Railway King,) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the
+      great Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust
+      of the fashn. I was in my GLOARY&mdash;the dear Countess and Lady Blanche
+      was dying with lauffing at my joax and fun&mdash;I was keeping the whole
+      table in a roar&mdash;when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly
+      Fitzwarren, my man, henters with an air of constanation. 'Theres somebody
+      at the door,' says he in a visper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of a
+      husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this time I
+      had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)&mdash;And so,
+      going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing Mr.
+      &amp; Mrs. Blodder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I turned gashly pail. The table&mdash;the guests&mdash;the Countiss&mdash;Towrouski,
+      and the rest, weald round &amp; round before my hagitated I's. IT WAS MY
+      GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common, and
+      he&mdash;he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But the
+      unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, Huncle Bill
+      bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Phansy my feelinx.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the room: you
+      may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. Old Grann looked
+      round the room quite estounded by its horiental splender, and huncle Bill
+      (pulling off his phantail, &amp; seluting the company as respeckfly as his
+      wulgar natur would alow) says&mdash;'Crikey, Jeames, you've got a better
+      birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and powder line.' 'Try
+      a few of them plovers hegs, sir,' I says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say,
+      that somethink would choke huncle B&mdash;-; 'and I hope, mam, now you've
+      ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment won't be out of your
+      way.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and because in
+      herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady,
+      which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my schooling; she got up
+      my fine linning gratis; shes given me many &amp; many a lb; and manys the
+      time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea. But never mind
+      THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you must be tired hafter your walk.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, &amp; I came in, in
+      THE CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren, intarupting her.
+      And I will say the feller showed his nouce &amp; good breeding in this
+      difficklt momink; for he'd halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was
+      now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other
+      dellixies.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that sly
+      wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle hold Lady,
+      pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take a
+      glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to horder
+      Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit rellatif
+      to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the elth of the company,
+      giving a smack with her lipps after she'd emtied the glas, which very
+      nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn't
+      igspose herself much farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take
+      another glas, I cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old Grann hearing
+      him edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!' and got up and made
+      him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another word. The presents of
+      the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at the
+      beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, got up to
+      leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to
+      conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it stood,
+      with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the footmin in
+      peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred apiece;&mdash;and there
+      stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing,
+      Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint
+      should come out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, the
+      great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid as a howl,
+      looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they witnessed the sean. But
+      little lively good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going away with the
+      Countiss, held her little &amp; out of the carridge to me and said, 'Mr.
+      De la Pluche, you are a much better man than I took you to be. Though her
+      Ladyship IS horrified, &amp; though your Grandmother DID take gin for
+      breakfast, don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for honoring
+      their father &amp; mother.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all the
+      good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a trump for
+      sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills said she should
+      have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. But it was a
+      great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I muss say,
+      I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those fine ladies in
+      sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one of em can hold a
+      candle to Mary Hann.'&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they har at
+      my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, &amp; Company. They bow me out of
+      the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I'm worth half a
+      millium. The number of lines they're putting me upon is inkumseavable.
+      I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire,
+      looks splendid in a perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two
+      thowsnd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How the ladies, &amp; men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into Lady
+      Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and cries out,
+      'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she complyments me on my
+      taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit, and
+      always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff as
+      a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as poor as Joab&mdash;even he condysends
+      to be sivvle to the great De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's,
+      lately, in his sollom, pompus way, 'to faver him with five minutes'
+      conversation.' I knew what was coming&mdash;application for shares&mdash;put
+      him down on my private list. Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing
+      through Bareacres&mdash;hoped I'd come down and shoot there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There, old
+      Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a footman. There,
+      old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing and
+      begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a VERY public place, I take my
+      change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs, or slap his padded old
+      shoulders. I call him, 'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince. It
+      does my art good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. Lady Pump,
+      the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her right, of course, with
+      an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in my fassanating way&mdash;full
+      of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy plesntry. Old Pump, from the
+      end of the table, asked me to drink shampane; and on turning to tak the
+      glass I saw Charles Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel
+      Spurriers' house) grinning over his shoulder at the butler.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the hall, he
+      came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish visper. 'Just
+      come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for you, my old boy.' So I
+      beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I was
+      going to give him a sovaring.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I think you said &ldquo;Jeames,&rdquo; Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at
+      dinner?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just one on
+      the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd been shot. And
+      mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning
+      scoundrills to pick him up, &amp; droav to the Clubb.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, Earl
+      Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self &amp; that
+      noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of
+      about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the
+      cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a pickewlear fine
+      flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather, and other hodarefarus
+      plants which grows on that mounting in the places where the rox and stones
+      don't prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and the land is
+      also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges&mdash;much more usefle and
+      ickonomicle than your quickset or any of that rubbishing sort of timber:
+      indeed the sile is of that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there
+      altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this land (the igsact
+      premium of my St. Helena Shares)&mdash;a very handsom price for land which
+      never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient to his Lordship I
+      know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which he had given them.
+      James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust time a landed propriator&mdash;or
+      rayther, I should say, is about to reshume the rank &amp; dignity in the
+      country which his Hancestors so long occupied.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the Squallop
+      Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &amp;c. &amp;c., bordered on the
+      North by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby Growler; on
+      the South by the Hotion. An Arkytect &amp; Survare, a young feller of
+      great emagination, womb we have employed to make a survey of the Great
+      Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton Hall,
+      Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is reprasented a
+      handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by
+      beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with boatsful of nobillaty and
+      musitions floting on its placid sufface&mdash;and a curricle is a driving
+      up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady
+      Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going to form a noble
+      kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my family once more with
+      Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some sentries separated us. I have
+      dreams of that sort.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL, standing in a
+      hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with a serting butifle
+      young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames and lady Hangelina de
+      la Pluche! Ho! what will the old washywoman, my grandmother, say? She may
+      sell her mangle then, and shall too by my honor as a Gent.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to give
+      5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer in vew.
+      Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't Squallop lie amediately
+      betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End, through which
+      cities our line passes? I will have 400,000 lb. for that mounting, or my
+      name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little barging too for my friend the
+      Erl. The line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre Park. He shall have a
+      good compensation I promis you; and then I shall get back the 3000 I lent
+      him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a horrid state.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      [The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no interest to the
+      public:&mdash;Memoranda of City dinners&mdash;meetings of Directors&mdash;fashionable
+      parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and nearly always by the side of his
+      new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose &ldquo;pompossaty,&rdquo; as previously described,
+      seems to have almost entirely subsided.]
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We then come to the following:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett the
+      following news:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of Diddlesex.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice Blowhard,
+      promoted.&rdquo;'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator&mdash;a Deppaty Leftnant&mdash;a
+      Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my
+      country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and me at the head of my
+      squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd extonish 'em! How the gals will
+      stare when they see me in youniform! How Mary Hann would&mdash;but
+      nonsince! I'm halways thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's.
+      She couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's got
+      a good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss, or make
+      her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my granmother so,
+      who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on Desparation to leave
+      a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she's sent it back, sealed with a
+      thimbill.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Tuesday.&mdash;Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B&mdash;&mdash;,
+      rellatiff to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that
+      hospicious seramony:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,&mdash;I THINK you had better be presented as a
+      Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know what the
+      uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince of
+      Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray jackets, leathers, red
+      morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with leopard-skin and a
+      white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of eighteen inches. That dress
+      will hardly answer at present, and must be modified, of coarse. We were
+      called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly
+      recommend the Deputy Lieutenant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-room.
+      Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, who will be
+      presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to
+      make your acquaintance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake, my dear
+      fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Yours, very gratefully,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'BAREACRES.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Note.&mdash;Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M for
+      the cavvlery.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that month
+      that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my gracious Sovarink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my busm was
+      in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them thinking of the
+      great ewent&mdash;or if igsosted natur DID clothes my highlids&mdash;the
+      eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls,
+      presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my dreembs
+      unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never surely igseeded
+      that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I actially dremt that Her R. H.
+      the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit Counsel to
+      detummin whether her &amp; was to be bestoad on me or the Prins of
+      Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or Germing zion of
+      nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious ideer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented to the
+      notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The Court-shoots in
+      which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like the&mdash;the&mdash;livries
+      (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear before entering sosiaty,
+      that I couldn't abide the notium of wearing one. My detummination was
+      fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant
+      youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself quite
+      hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as shuited the
+      presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig-tales was out of the
+      question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. My legg is praps the finist
+      pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have seen
+      Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go there.
+      Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have
+      myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold tassels as
+      bigg as belpulls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Jackit&mdash;French gray and silver oringe fasings &amp; cuphs, according
+      to the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, &amp; settin
+      hoff the cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A huzza paleese of pupple velvit &amp; sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus
+      steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered pocket
+      ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, without vannaty, was, I
+      flatter myself, UNEAK.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. The
+      huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet &amp;
+      Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery Brittn; an
+      at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins; an At which
+      VULGAR PREJIDIS &amp; JOAKING has in vane etempted to run down. I chose
+      the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty,
+      intending to SURPRISE him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex Yomingry
+      I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a
+      shaving-brush.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect to
+      practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made
+      Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord in
+      Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair to
+      reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my secknd man,
+      standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort. Hall
+      the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la Pluche, presented by Herl
+      Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to
+      the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty
+      towards the British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus
+      Simiter WOULD git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery
+      disagreeble)&mdash;rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but
+      respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated backards
+      out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym
+      the night before my presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with the
+      sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night. By abowt six o'clock in the morning I
+      was drest in my full uniform; and I didnt know how to pass the
+      interveaning hours.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will rejoice
+      that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in life. Has I
+      ave read in the novle of &ldquo;Kennleworth,&rdquo; that the Herl goes down in Cort
+      dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down in all my splender and
+      astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.' To make this detummination; to
+      horder my Broom; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to bring
+      it; was with me the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a cavyleer
+      as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with the
+      cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed through
+      the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy ploom
+      was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the apartmint.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There was a smell of tea there&mdash;there's always a smell of tea there&mdash;the
+      old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her; but ha! phansy
+      my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to me
+      subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did when you
+      arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were
+      diwine!'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions in the
+      groce carriketure he's made of me.&rdquo; *
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+</pre>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my hentrance to
+      St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish Hambasdor himself was
+      not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved to come
+      to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as a charger, and
+      got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which I drest my 2 men
+      (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it,) and 2 fellers from Rimles,
+      where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up St. Jeames's Street, with my 4
+      Hadycongs&mdash;the people huzzaying&mdash;the gals waving their
+      hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins&mdash;hall the winders crowdid to
+      see me pass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came, for the
+      drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with presented harms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from Desperation. I
+      gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I past
+      into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the suckmstanzas
+      of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one who would gratafy
+      IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our reckonized instatewtions is my fust
+      quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying round my Thrown.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,&mdash;when I sor
+      on the right &amp; of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to
+      admire womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased with
+      an imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe&mdash;my trembling knees
+      halmost rifused their hoffis&mdash;I reckleck nothing mor until I was
+      found phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd
+      to be standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him,
+      igspecially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall
+      say nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT HE
+      ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I introjuiced
+      myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps
+      ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had the
+      inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, that
+      Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht Lady
+      Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey de
+      Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in the Peeridge
+      of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant
+      of the County of Diddlesex, &amp;c. &amp;c. This young lady was with her
+      Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never lighted on this
+      hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady
+      Hangelina was the fairest Star&mdash;in that reath of Loveliness the
+      sweetest Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been
+      senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge disappeared in
+      a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of Hangelina.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow&mdash;a grand and hawfle pusnage
+      her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge
+      phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly
+      bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so delighted to make your
+      acquaintance. I have often heard of you.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the fair
+      Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see I've not
+      studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces, without
+      which no Gent of fashn speaks now.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY old
+      friend of yours.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Hoggins&mdash;Mary Ann Hoggins'&mdash;ansurred my lady (laffing phit to
+      splitt her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I'm
+      afraid you are a very sad, sad person.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with that
+      young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for hever, and
+      mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all dying to
+      know.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,' says I,
+      looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations of
+      my smile.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes
+      standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of the Countess of
+      Bareacres' train?'&mdash;'Never mind Mamma's train' (said Lady Hangelina):
+      'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all our fortunes&mdash;yours
+      too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me present you to Captain George Silvertop,'&mdash;The
+      Capting bent just one jint of his back very slitely; I retund his stare
+      with equill hottiness. 'Go and see for Lady Bareacres' carridge, George,'
+      says his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a cousin of ours&mdash;a poor
+      relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when he came back, nor in my
+      subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and fork was laid
+      reglar for this shabby Capting.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thusday Night.&mdash;O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments
+      daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia
+      Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in her raving
+      Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what was my sattusfackshn as I
+      leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with my glas!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however&mdash;would scarcely
+      speek; although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it
+      was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the box. As if he
+      didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) that
+      people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Friday.&mdash;I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the
+      folloring lines&mdash;there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that she's fond
+      of. I edapted them to that mellady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the
+      pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick; said I sung
+      myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); and, on her
+      rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my pom:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+          &ldquo;'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS.
+
+          &ldquo;'When moonlike ore the hazure seas
+             In soft effulgence swells,
+            When silver jews and balmy breaze
+             Bend down the Lily's bells;
+            When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
+             Has lapt your soal in dreems,
+            R Hangeline!  R lady mine!
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+          &ldquo;'I mark thee in the Marble All,
+             Where Englands loveliest shine&mdash;
+            I say the fairest of them hall
+             Is Lady Hangeline.
+            My soul, in desolate eclipse,
+             With recollection teems&mdash;
+            And then I hask, with weeping lips
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+          &ldquo;'Away! I may not tell thee hall
+             This soughring heart endures&mdash;
+            There is a lonely sperrit-call
+             That Sorrow never cures;
+            There is a little, little Star,
+             That still above me beams;
+            It is the Star of Hope&mdash;but ar!
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?'
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I threw
+      such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at the hend,
+      that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium
+      seized her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard
+      her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O Hangelina&mdash;My adord one, My Arts joy!&rdquo; . . .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet Southdown, B's
+      eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting (who seems to git
+      leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have beene down into Diddlesex
+      for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent boy,
+      me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the Edges
+      with a pistle)&mdash;I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot, and
+      practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery, which a
+      chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded in itting the hannimle
+      pretty well. I bought Awker's 'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns at
+      Mantings, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most gawjus and
+      ellygant sportting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very
+      much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller &amp; green imbroidered satting, a
+      weskit of the McGrigger plaid, &amp; a jacket of the McWhirter tartn,
+      (with large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches &amp; osses, and
+      sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes, was
+      the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff my
+      figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal
+      istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with
+      Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my
+      dressing-case and close.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad
+      Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk of the
+      hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst 'em;
+      and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where I made
+      a speech droring tears from heavery i. It was in compliment to a layborer
+      who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years on the istate
+      on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station. I shook
+      hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told him that the purshuit
+      of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of humannaty: I spoke of the
+      yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of my hancisters) had conquered
+      at Hadjincourt &amp; Cressy; and I gave him a pair of new velveteen
+      inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket, as a reward for three
+      score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brought them forrards on a
+      satting cushing. Has I sat down defning chears selewted the horator; the
+      band struck up 'The Good Old English Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies
+      galry; my Hangelina waived her ankasher and kissd her &amp;; and I sor in
+      the distans that pore Mary Hann efected evidently to tears by my
+      ellaquints.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady Hangelina's
+      company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded gownds and retired caps
+      and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her which is puffickly admarable;
+      and which, haddid to her own natral bewty &amp; sweetniss, creates in my
+      boozum serting sensatiums . . . Shor! I MUSTN'T give way to fealinx
+      unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me but a mear
+      recklection&mdash;a vishn of former ears?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. I met
+      her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a
+      melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was
+      eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient demean.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I&mdash;'A penny for your Ladyship's
+      thought,' says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice, with a
+      haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my thoughts are, well
+      enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us were poo&mdash;poo&mdash;oor,'
+      says Mary Hann, busting out in a phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide. I
+      took her and tried to cumft her: I pinted out the diffrents of our
+      sitawashns; igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as its
+      previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to marry into a noble famly. I
+      kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going hon hall the time) till Lady
+      Hangelina herself came up&mdash;'The real Siming Pewer,' as they say in
+      the play.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There they stood together&mdash;them two young women. I don't know which
+      is the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt help comparing
+      myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found it difficklt to make
+      a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren&mdash;my oan man&mdash;a feller I've
+      maid a fortune for&mdash;a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!&mdash;a
+      low bred Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and
+      treating me to his imperence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He's a great big athlatic feller&mdash;six foot i, with a pair of black
+      whiskers like air-brushes&mdash;with a look of a Colonel in the harmy&mdash;a
+      dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome from
+      shuiting this hafternoon&mdash;and passing through Lady Hangelina's
+      flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann
+      pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to her?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money. We'll
+      take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a purse-proud
+      ungrateful fellow like Jeames&mdash;who's such a snob ('such a SNOB' was
+      his very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him&mdash;who's the laughing
+      stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too&mdash;try a MAN,'
+      says he&mdash;'don't be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust out a
+      laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and intarupt this
+      polite convasation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to the
+      young woman&mdash;and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to remain.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller&mdash;all the
+      colors of the ranebo.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'It's not your livery,' says he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I,
+      unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my jackit,
+      Joe,' says I to the boy,&mdash;and put myself in a hattitude about which
+      there was NO MISTAYK.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He's 2 stone heavier than me&mdash;and knows the use of his ands as well
+      as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb can't stand
+      before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, I've little doubt, but
+      they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had more than 2
+      rounds.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm writing
+      this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to dinner on
+      account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and disfiggrs me
+      dreadfl.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter with
+      the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with the
+      rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form an agreeable
+      twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard pheacher. My woons
+      was thus made to become me as much as pawsable; and (has the Poick well
+      observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the Fare') I cumsoled myself in the
+      sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory disfiggarment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my phisticoughs
+      with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis: but of corse I
+      dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting Adolphus, my
+      page, to his post of confidenshle Valley.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits
+      during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me messidges by
+      her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was always
+      sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin
+      hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship would perscribe&mdash;then,
+      agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses,
+      pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &amp;s of Hangelina
+      could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear mothers!
+      when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or to
+      ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give a
+      man! You'd have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), that I
+      couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and
+      blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I ebomminate
+      onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the kickpshaws of
+      France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, and sacrafised myself
+      for her dear sayk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and his
+      son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, and hoped
+      soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent father. 'You
+      have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and those of my Lady
+      Bareacres; but I am not&mdash;not quite certain about Lady Angelina's
+      feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of
+      prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able to make Angelina
+      understand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate
+      about love and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than
+      theirs know how to estimate.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out at
+      this outrayjus ideer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,&mdash;your
+      admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father's
+      wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our family.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,&mdash;'a barging's a barging&mdash;I'll
+      pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a STRAYNGER'&mdash;(this
+      I said in a sarcastickle toan)&mdash;'I wouldn't take such a LIBBATY. When
+      I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of your estayt. I'll make your
+      incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the ouse of Bareacres to its
+      herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting bisniss
+      imployed by Jeames De la Pluche, Esquire.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest
+      scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my
+      shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral
+      thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize till
+      the proper time, and then to buy istates; to found a new family of
+      Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. 'If
+      you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have married
+      you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a marter to dooty;
+      and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and Lady
+      Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow you were,
+      Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I liked), 'in your
+      fight with Fitzwarren&mdash;to engage a man of twice your strength and
+      science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this is an etroashous
+      folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 minnits), 'for the sake of poor
+      Mary Hann! That's a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to eminence
+      like you, having his heart in the right place. When is to be the marriage,
+      my boy?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a
+      precious sight more than you;'&mdash;and I gev him to understand I didn't
+      want him to put in HIS ore&mdash;I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, I
+      prommis you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as brayv as
+      Bonypert, Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well as
+      any Evy drigoon of 'em all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la Pluche
+      (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that you will be
+      happy with a person like me?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any such
+      thing.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep your
+      eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you begin
+      beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you don't marry her, and
+      perhaps some one else's&mdash;but you don't mind THAT.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for Mary
+      Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy. Once for
+      all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a pang to part with
+      her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), 'but part from her I
+      must.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina, that
+      melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml&mdash;yet
+      she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up Josephine.
+      What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'It does,' says I&mdash;'Hagnies!' (Another laff.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'And if&mdash;if I don't accept you&mdash;you will invade the States of
+      the Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion
+      of peace between you!'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors your
+      Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers morgidged; that if
+      some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old pawper; that he owes me
+      a lot of money; and that I'm the man that can sell him up hoss &amp; foot;
+      or set him up agen&mdash;THAT'S what I know, Lady Hangelina,' says I, with
+      a hair as much as to say, 'Put THAT in your ladyship's pipe and smoke it.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.&mdash;We hear that a matrimonial union is on the
+      tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the Railway
+      World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated
+      in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.'&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the fealinx
+      of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by the hideer of my
+      marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the fickle
+      young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to give me hup, for we Gents are
+      creechers of vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit secks; and
+      betwigst you and me there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht that I'd been
+      borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have permitted me to marry
+      both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd to be appy with ony
+      one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my defianced
+      bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery the great
+      Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a gent of my
+      qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning Erald&mdash;no, no,
+      I'm not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit infamation) an account of
+      my famly, my harms and pedigry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my arms and
+      my adord wife's was drawn &amp; quartered; and I got portricks of me and
+      her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to be the
+      gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man of fashn
+      wasn't compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I
+      presented to Hangelina. It's not considered flattring&mdash;and though SHE
+      parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young lady
+      (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her hi.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about a
+      twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by Maryhann,
+      though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it &amp; pressing it
+      to her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't got your angellick
+      smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her mamma,
+      though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the 'Book of Bewty'
+      the same year.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her&mdash;but
+      the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted in a gitar
+      supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and her brother
+      Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering
+      stanzys about her:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT.
+
+     &ldquo;BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN.
+
+     &ldquo;The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
+     Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
+     I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er,
+     I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
+     I stood upon the donjon keep&mdash;it is a sacred place,&mdash;Where
+          floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race;
+     Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
+     There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield.
+
+     &ldquo;The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck,
+     On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
+     A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray&mdash;St.
+          Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day!
+     O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
+     A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince!
+     At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
+     The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears!
+
+     &ldquo;'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing:
+     O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing!
+     Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
+     And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus!
+     O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear
+     Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
+     I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
+     And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side!
+
+     &ldquo;Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
+     Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line:
+     Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
+     The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
+     Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile,
+     'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile.
+     I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
+     I'll muse on other days, and wish&mdash;and wish I were.&mdash;A SNOB.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle. They're always
+      writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps; but the ideer
+      of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his cuttin hoff his 'strong right
+      hand,' is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit hi,&mdash;as
+      ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a gal; and though he may have the
+      art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I'd back my smallest cab-boy to lick
+      him,&mdash;that is, if I AD a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges of
+      the Istry of my life!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn, prawsprus
+      but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though mounted on the
+      haypix of Good Luck&mdash;feasting hall the great (like the Good Old
+      Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and igsample
+      through life), but not forgitting the small&mdash;No, my beayvior to my
+      granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what the
+      French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up her
+      linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a new shoot of close, which he ordered
+      in St. Jeames's Street, much to the estonishment of my Snyder there,
+      namely an olliffgreen velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush
+      weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I
+      never should have eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble
+      sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to either
+      good or bad forting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was prepayred
+      for my marridge&mdash;the consent of the parents of my Hangelina was
+      gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to
+      Himing's halter&mdash;the trooso was hordered&mdash;the wedding dressis
+      were being phitted hon&mdash;a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn
+      reddy by Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there was such an account for
+      Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know they
+      did the Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has for
+      Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away&mdash;no
+      not by Hiss Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl
+      and dimind shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and
+      Mortimer. The honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion,
+      and was in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my
+      town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-Markit which
+      was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of the misrable
+      Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was restored to its
+      elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or
+      3: and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally, had bought very largely
+      for the two or three new accounts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders
+      for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their accounts. I am the
+      soal of onour&mdash;but no gent can pay when he has no money&mdash;it's
+      not MY fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred
+      yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the
+      largist Injar Shawls&mdash;it's not MY fault if the tradespeople didn git
+      their goods back, and that Lady B. declared they were LOST. I began the
+      world afresh with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money,
+      concealing nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and
+      though beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well&mdash;it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The
+      'Ringdove' steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle
+      apartmince had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur
+      Mare&mdash;the very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in Ill
+      Street, and the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop of
+      Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were
+      full of it. Crowds of the fashnable world went to see the trooso, and
+      admire the Carridges in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined
+      with pink satting, and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of
+      all for quiet ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my
+      vally, and Mary Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our
+      match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and
+      joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before&mdash;aving a
+      multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts to
+      settle: atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in horder: my
+      sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to
+      be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: tride on my wedding close,
+      and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;One thing distubbed my mind&mdash;two weskts had been sent home. A
+      blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet imbridered in
+      silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated and
+      perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street and
+      cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and wear
+      whichever SHE phixt on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street: which
+      I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared meost
+      uncommon when I kem in&mdash;the footman who was to enounce me laft I
+      thought&mdash;I was going up stairs&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Her ladyship's not&mdash;not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's hill
+      in bed.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out like
+      a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the porter jined in it,
+      the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, slapping his and on his thy,
+      without the least respect&mdash;I say, Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good
+      un?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and laffing at
+      me?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'&mdash;and
+      indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs&mdash;her
+      &amp;s in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look
+      hod &amp; then to grin too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring him
+      fit to throttle him&mdash;'no raskle of a flunky shall insult ME,' and I
+      sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of 'em into the
+      hall-chair with a flopp&mdash;when Mary Hann, jumping down, says, 'O
+      James! O Mr. Plush! read this'&mdash;and she pulled out a billy doo.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished pretensions which
+      you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; and have spared me the
+      painful necessity of the step which I am compelled to take. For a long
+      time I could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to sacrifice
+      me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot undergo the
+      shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last hour I remonstrated
+      in vain, and only now anticipate by a few hours, my departure from a home
+      from which they themselves were about to expel me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you
+      are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed of
+      the step I have taken. And I have my own honor to consult, even before
+      their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before long.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite
+      feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. She admires you
+      as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you to
+      try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try&mdash;for the sake of your
+      sincere friend and admirer, A.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds are
+      beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This was hall!&mdash;Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin,
+      and that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who has she
+      gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just touched
+      the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with the noats to put
+      hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is from the
+      Morning Tatler newspaper:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. &ldquo;THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world, has
+      been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event which
+      has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and affliction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a
+      marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl, and a
+      Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been the theme of
+      general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was supposed, in all human
+      probability would have contained an account of the marriage of James De la
+      Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina &mdash;&mdash;, daughter of the Right
+      honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The preparations for this ceremony were
+      complete: we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich trousseau (prepared
+      by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall); the magnificent jewels from the
+      establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant marriage cake,
+      which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not destined to be eaten by
+      the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb carriages, and magnificent
+      liveries, which had been provided in a style of the most lavish yet
+      tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy
+      had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials, and is staying at Mivart's.
+      What must have been the feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of
+      the agonized and noble parents of the Lady Angelina&mdash;when it was
+      discovered, on the day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled
+      the paternal mansion! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble
+      niece's departure might have been fatal: we have it from the waiters of
+      Mivart's that his Lordship was about to indulge in the refreshment of
+      turtle soup when the news was brought to him; immediate apoplexy was
+      apprehended; but Mr. Macann, the celebrated surgeon of Westminster, was
+      luckily passing through Bond Street at the time, and being promptly called
+      in, bled and relieved the exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to
+      the Palace, Bullocksmithy, tomorrow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres can be
+      imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to disturb&mdash;impossible
+      is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our reporters have made
+      inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion in Hill Street,
+      regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable Countess. They
+      have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but pardon. One was
+      threatened with a cane; another, in the pursuit of his official inquiries,
+      was saluted with a pail of water; a third gentleman was menaced in a
+      pugilistic manner by his Lordship's porter; but being of an Irish nation,
+      a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College, Dublin,
+      the gentleman of our establishment confronted the menial, and having
+      severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring hotel much frequented by the
+      domestics of the surrounding nobility, and there obtained what we believe
+      to be the most accurate particulars of this extraordinary occurrence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of Lord
+      Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:&mdash;Lady Angelina had been
+      promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide
+      that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall. Previous to
+      his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At that
+      period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the
+      quality of ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was employed.
+      Miss Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady Angelina&mdash;the
+      elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss Hoggins who
+      delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his loss.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres, was
+      ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a cabriolet from
+      the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. 19,796, driven by
+      George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clonakilty, in the
+      neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, according
+      to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with his vehicle.
+      His young lady, accompanied by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a
+      band-box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what were
+      the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain. On asking
+      her Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any particular
+      direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the eminent
+      milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he should
+      accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss Hoggins
+      to go about his business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab 19,796,
+      or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with no small
+      difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln's Inn Fields, where
+      he lives with his family of nine children. Having received two sovereigns,
+      instead doubtless of two shillings (his regular fare, by the way, would
+      have been only one-and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab
+      for the two last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless
+      intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer to the queries of
+      our reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a compatriot, it is
+      probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity of the
+      public.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A GENTLEMAN
+      entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER gentleman (meaning
+      tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray trousers, and black hat and a
+      pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE EUSTON SQUARE STATION, and there left
+      them. How he employed his time subsequently we have stated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment learned
+      from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman answering the
+      above description had taken places to Derby. We have despatched a
+      confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and shall give his
+      report in a second edition.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;SECOND EDITION.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;(From our Reporter.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;NEWCASTLE, Monday.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and Cucumber
+      Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS. JONES, the
+      gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box,
+      arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to
+      SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot, as
+      they are putting to.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;THIRD EDITION.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock, the
+      Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between
+      George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third
+      son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and Lady
+      Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the present Earl of
+      Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina
+      Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl
+      Bareacres.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      (Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book of
+      Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be
+      repeated here.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment of
+      sherry and water&mdash;the former the Captain pronounced to be execrable;
+      and, having myself tasted some glasses from the VERY SAME BOTTLE with
+      which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the Captain
+      was rather hard upon mine host of the 'Bagpipes Hotel and Posting-House,'
+      whence they instantly proceeded. I follow them as soon as the horses have
+      fed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;FOURTH EDITION. &ldquo;SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the newly
+      married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace, reached
+      Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the 'Cairngorm Arms'&mdash;mine
+      is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of Whistlebinkie.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of military
+      appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in smoking a
+      cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the gentleman
+      in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my boy? You have come too
+      late; unless you are come to have some supper;' or words to that effect. I
+      explained that I was not the Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely
+      apprised Captain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the individual before
+      me could be no other) of his mistake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you, then?' said
+      Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's attorneys? If you
+      are, you have come too late for the fair.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my name
+      was J&mdash;ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the
+      establishment of the Morning Tatler newspaper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked my
+      interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank&mdash;that the
+      disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused the
+      greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were anxious
+      to give the public every particular regarding an event so singular.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from
+      London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the readers of
+      the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be &mdash;&mdash;(the
+      Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you
+      too, sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, seizing me
+      rudely by the collar&mdash;and he would have choked me, but that my blue
+      satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of this
+      GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe,
+      'murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to the
+      crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable; they and the unfeeling
+      post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, 'Give it him,
+      Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have had
+      the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general and
+      indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and said,
+      'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap, Jims, and
+      order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense&mdash;and mind I don't see
+      your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it is.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr. Silvertop
+      entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of his hospitality,
+      and that personally I despise his insults. I make them known that they may
+      call down the indignation of the body of which I am a member, and throw
+      myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman shamefully assaulted
+      and insulted in the discharge of a public duty.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of my busm,
+      and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou be
+      appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink on
+      womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your be1/2!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of Hangelina's
+      departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the fatle noose.
+      Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, they were married, and what
+      could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl Bareacres, when that
+      distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er who was to have been my
+      mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I never from that momink sor agin. My
+      presnts, troosoes, juels, &amp;c., were sent back&mdash;with the igsepshn
+      of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship COODN'T FIND. Ony it
+      was whispered that at the nex buthday she was seen with a shawl IGSACKLY
+      OF THE SAME PATTN. Let er keep it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me
+      adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister&mdash;but I
+      wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh&mdash;there was no more money for
+      THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a poem,
+      which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Assombly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers, hors
+      dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills,
+      haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss
+      didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack'd my
+      hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night I
+      follered Hangelinar in imadganation along the North Road. I wented cusses
+      &amp; mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in my
+      unhuttarable whoe! I seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it,
+      strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint
+      grasp; and taw the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible strenth
+      of my despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of that night.
+      When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning, the livid copse
+      in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De la Pluche!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I had not
+      perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged elseware. Hevns
+      &amp; huth!&mdash;what was it I red there? What was it that made me spring
+      outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?&mdash;I red Rewin in that
+      Share-list&mdash;the Pannick was in full hoparation!
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is familliar?
+      My &amp; rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding
+      art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of
+      twenty-three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at
+      least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas quotid
+      at 14 pm, were down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at 3/8 discount;
+      my Table Mounting &amp; Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my Bathershins
+      and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account at 17
+      primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central Oregons,
+      prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be alive to write
+      my own tail!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      (Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad
+      calculations, which we pretermit.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Those beests, Pump &amp; Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me a
+      threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-sixpence: woodn't
+      advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of scrip; kep me waiting 2 hours
+      when I asked to see the house; and then sent out Spout, the jewnior
+      partner, saying they wouldn't discount my paper, and implawed me to
+      clothes my account. I did: I paid the three-and-six balliance, and never
+      sor 'em mor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies,
+      Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They
+      beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn
+      keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and Mr.
+      Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off every
+      stick of my furniture. 'Wardrobe &amp; furniture of a man of fashion.'
+      What an adwertisement George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was
+      collected to laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller
+      of wine; my picturs&mdash;that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless
+      her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all&mdash;all went to the ammer.
+      That brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on
+      the sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into suvvis aginn.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I DID go into suvvis&mdash;the wust of all suvvices&mdash;I went into the
+      Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial
+      weeks. Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble altogether; there was
+      sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to
+      drive hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat
+      old lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has
+      an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann!
+      'Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann said.
+      Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral: but I
+      didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed man. Ho, what
+      a feast there was at Healing the day I came out! I'd thirteen shillings
+      left when I'd bought the gold ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned the mangle
+      for three weeks; and then Uncle Bill said, 'Well, there IS some good in
+      the feller;' and it was agreed that we should marry.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw the
+      accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are happy
+      to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of
+      Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop. Her
+      elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable prelate: he
+      returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had been for thirty
+      years the episcopal ornament, and where he married three wives, who lie
+      buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing a
+      charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop fell
+      suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his accustomed
+      dish of devilled kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable form
+      extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand; but
+      life was extinct: and surgical aid was therefore not particularly useful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man
+      increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in during his
+      episcopacy, &amp;c. He left three hundred thousand pounds&mdash;divided
+      between his nephew and niece&mdash;not a greater sum than has been left by
+      several deceased Irish prelates.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon to
+      state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which
+      does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina
+      Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and affectionate
+      servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. James Plush, to whom
+      her Ladyship also made a handsome present&mdash;namely, the lease,
+      good-will, and fixtures of the &ldquo;Wheel of Fortune&rdquo; public-house, near
+      Shepherd's Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by all the
+      nobility's footmen, doing a genteel stroke of business in the
+      neighborhood, and where, as we have heard, the &ldquo;Butlers' Club&rdquo; is held.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife: reconciled
+      to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a higher one
+      before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates himself to an
+      apron with perfect good humor. A gentleman connected with this
+      establishment dined at the &ldquo;Wheel of Fortune&rdquo; the other day, and collected
+      the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he brought in the
+      first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of excellent
+      port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he said&mdash;that a
+      witless version of his adventures had been produced at the Princess's
+      theatre, &ldquo;without with your leaf or by your leaf,&rdquo; as he expressed it.
+      &ldquo;Has for the rest,&rdquo; the worthy fellow said, &ldquo;I'm appy&mdash;praps betwixt
+      you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port (with
+      your elth &amp; my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much as my clarrit in my
+      prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely to be better. If a
+      man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary Hann, he's a beest: and when
+      a christening takes place in our famly, will you give my complments to MR.
+      PUNCH, and ask him to be godfather.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      LETTERS OF JEAMES. JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety the
+      follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an olesome
+      warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable cludgyman in
+      the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel T&mdash;&mdash;, of
+      the Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young man was sent to
+      Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very nearly
+      being Senior Rangler. He came to London to study for the lor. His prospix
+      was bright indead; and he lived in a secknd flore in Jerming Street,
+      having a ginteal inkum of two hundred lbs. per hannum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted for
+      nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young man, who took
+      care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots; cleaned his
+      kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to dine out, took his
+      meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club&mdash;where (unless
+      somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed his alf-pint of
+      Marsally Wine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the world.
+      Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long befor sevral of
+      the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; one, ixpecially, the
+      lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of the Heast-Injar Derector of
+      that name. As she was the richest gal of all the season, of corse
+      Frederick fell in love with her. His haspirations were on the pint of
+      being crowndid with success; and it was agreed that as soon as he was
+      called to the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a revising
+      barrister, or Lord Chanslor, he should lead her to the halter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up his
+      mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent pleader; he
+      devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb, or with his hadord
+      Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies; he never was known
+      to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip-top friends lent it him; to go to
+      a theayter unless he got a horder; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar.
+      If prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that young man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick Timmins.
+      The Railway Hoperations began.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations of
+      his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took no note
+      of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution which with
+      hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they began to be talked
+      of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford and Cambridge Clubb,
+      fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared four
+      thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his proppaty
+      gambling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who had won it, had
+      won a small istate besides by lucky specklations in the Share Markit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having saved
+      100 lb., he began a writin for shares&mdash;using, like an ickonominicle
+      feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious igstent. All the
+      Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to shares&mdash;the
+      allottments came tumbling in&mdash;he took the primmiums by fifties and
+      hundreds a day. His desk was cramd full of bank notes: his brane world
+      with igsitement.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day about
+      Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole talk was of
+      railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled full of
+      prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle, to say he
+      feared he was neglectin his bisniss.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous habits. He
+      begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to Greenwich or
+      Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often: although the hawdacious
+      and misguided young man might have done so much more heasily now than
+      before: for now he kep a Broom!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin: in an
+      evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning to all
+      young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on them in a moral pint
+      of vu!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican Line,
+      the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal)
+      Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit ninepence per share
+      of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or four healthy
+      niggers, African currency)&mdash;the shares of this helegeble investment
+      rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy man was Fred when, after paying
+      down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he sold his shares for 250L. He gave a
+      dinner at the 'Star and Garter' that very day. I promise you there was no
+      Marsally THERE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose to 5,
+      he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he, 'when all this
+      money was to be won!'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw,
+      K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear fellow, the
+      shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word of honor
+      not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Honor bright,' says Fred.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but went
+      tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of the streets.
+      Claw WENT BY WATER.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting into
+      his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which says:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since. His
+      lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain deplores his
+      absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his housekeeper; and the
+      Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in the
+      fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High Life.&mdash;The rich and
+      beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, is to be speedily united
+      to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;JEAMES.&rdquo; JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the haltered
+      linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble mislny were
+      once fimiliar,&mdash;the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated
+      in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the
+      'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me; that is my haypun which
+      I wear as becomes a publican&mdash;those is the checkers which hornyment
+      the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to
+      any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang in my time, aint now
+      abov droring a pint of Small Bier. As for my wife&mdash;that Angel&mdash;I've
+      not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in the Bar, smiling like a
+      sunflower and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing a deer little darlint
+      totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i's to a T!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but a Bill
+      agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix&mdash;which with all my
+      sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys as
+      to my Salissator's name, &amp;c. &amp;c., I dispize and scorn artily. But
+      as a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my jewty compels me to
+      come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE&mdash;the
+      break of Gage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very nearly had
+      the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when the Lady Angelina
+      S&mdash;&mdash;, daughter of the Earl of B&mdash;&mdash;cres, presented
+      the gallant Capting, her usband, with a Son &amp; hair. Nothink would
+      satasfy her Ladyship but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my wife
+      Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion. Captain S&mdash;&mdash;
+      was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment to his Lady. I
+      cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, and our
+      dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend's residence, Honeymoon
+      Lodge, near Cheltenham.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4, but
+      Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon Railroad
+      travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great
+      Westn, in an eavle Hour.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We didnt take much luggitch&mdash;my wife's things in the ushal bandboxes&mdash;mine
+      in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's (called so in complament to
+      his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a small supply of a few 100 weight of
+      Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady's fingers, for that dear child,
+      who is now 6 months old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE. Likewise we were
+      charged with a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary &amp;
+      Morris, containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's cawdle, with a
+      few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and owsehold: about 2000
+      spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's in Regent Street, a
+      Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big enough to immus a
+      Halderman), &amp; a case marked 'Glass,' from her ladyship's meddicle man,
+      which were stowed away together; had to this an ormylew Cradle, with
+      rose-colored Satting &amp; Pink lace hangings, held up by a gold
+      tuttle-dove, &amp;c. We had, ingluding James Hangelo's rattle &amp; my
+      umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid Refreshment
+      room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet spencers, who
+      serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn upon this Art which I
+      shoodn't like Mary Hann to know&mdash;and here, to our infanit disgust, we
+      changed carridges. I forgot to say that we were in the seeknd class,
+      having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other light harticles.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my hi upon
+      the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; but seasing up
+      James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an Am Sangwidg) and
+      seeing my igspresshn of hi&mdash;'James,' says Mary Hann, 'instead of
+      looking at that young lady&mdash;and not so VERY young neither&mdash;be
+      pleased to look to our packidges, &amp; place them in the other carridge.'
+      I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the opsit carridg,
+      only missing my umberella &amp; baby's rattle; and jest as I came back for
+      my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the whizzling injians
+      proclayms the time of our departure,&mdash;&amp; farewell soop and cottn
+      velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the umberella. If
+      it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James
+      Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: &amp;
+      for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the
+      passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged to
+      undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs, tippits,
+      cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like mad, and
+      pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the broad
+      gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' says I, rot to desperation, 'I shall
+      throttle this darling if he goes on.' 'Do,' says she&mdash;'and GO INTO
+      THE REFRESHMENT room,' says she&mdash;a snatchin the babby out of my arms.
+      Do go,' says she, youre not fit to look after luggage,' and she began
+      lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she looked after the
+      packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that packet!&mdash;pretty
+      darling&mdash;easy with that box, Sir, its glass&mdash;pooooty poppet&mdash;where's
+      the deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried, reading out of a list
+      she had.&mdash;And poor little James went to sleep. The porters were
+      bundling and carting the various harticles with no more ceremony than if
+      each package had been of cannonball.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At last&mdash;bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the
+      Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white bandbox, with
+      a crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from Crinoline's!' cries Mary
+      Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward to
+      inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls clinking inside; and
+      Lady B.'s mixture (which had the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was
+      dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak,
+      trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I thought I
+      WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little soup; so I
+      wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off.
+      There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered with a
+      pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not speak for some
+      minutes. At last she spoke out&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Have you all the small parcels?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Twenty-three in all,' says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Then give me baby.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Give you what?' says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Give me baby.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE LEDGE AT
+      GLOSTER.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It all came of the break of gage.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      MR. JEAMES AGAIN.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;DEAR MR. PUNCH,&mdash;As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my
+      privit ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis,
+      regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose primmiture
+      dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted parents, I must begg,
+      dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of your valuble collams once
+      more, and hease the public mind about my blessid boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush was left
+      in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most disgreeble of
+      complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be said
+      almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rusht into that fashnable
+      Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my
+      lapp.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at the
+      train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the luggitch, her
+      Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady Hangelina's baby, the
+      lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one immortial smash; the old cat
+      howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if it was huss, and not the
+      infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and as if we ad no misfortns of our
+      hown to deplaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called Mary Hann a
+      good for nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on about her
+      broken Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear little
+      Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby' (seshe);
+      'where's my bowl?&mdash;where's my medsan?&mdash;where's my bewtiffle Pint
+      lace?&mdash;All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite riled
+      by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at Gloster, why
+      your goods is spiled&mdash;it's not the fust time they've been asked the
+      question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you send for MEDSAN
+      and meanwild buy some at the &ldquo;Plow&rdquo;&mdash;they keep it very good and
+      strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a going back to the cussid
+      station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not going to
+      Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss it?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint by the
+      Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I lep into a
+      one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to Gloster.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in the
+      carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. When we got
+      to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to the
+      station, up to the fatle Bench.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's my
+      infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,&mdash;dear Mr. Policeman,
+      give it me&mdash;a thousand guineas for it.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby have I
+      seen this day except thirteen of my own&mdash;and you're welcome to any
+      one of THEM, and kindly.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said,
+      afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time&mdash;pawters
+      &amp; clarx and refreshmint people and all. 'What's this year row about
+      that there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping hup. I thought my
+      wife was going to jump into his harms. 'Have you got him?' says she.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'And blue eyse!' says my wife.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by this
+      time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a letter-box,' says
+      he: 'he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the broad gauge line, and
+      sent him on by it, in course,' says he. 'And it'll be a caution to you,
+      young woman, for the future, to label your children along with the rest of
+      your luggage.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may emadgine
+      I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As it was, we was
+      obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train (4 ears they seemed to
+      us), and then away we went.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got there.
+      'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man. 'No body claimed him here, and
+      so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him some supper,
+      and he's at Paddington by this time. Yes,' says he, looking at the clock,
+      'he's been there these ten minutes.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this good-naterd
+      man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your mind. We'll know
+      in five minutes how he is.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle
+      inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the twinkling
+      of a peg-post.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed. Back comes the
+      answer in a Jiffy&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'C. R. Y. I. N. G.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann, who
+      pull'd a very sad face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;' and
+      what d'ye think was the answer? I'm blest if it wasn't&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'P. A. P.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He was eating pap! There's for you&mdash;there's a rogue for you&mdash;there's
+      a March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust time. 'He'll sleep
+      now,' says she. And she sat down with a full hart.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE need never
+      ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I promise you&mdash;where
+      me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and where only yesterday a gent
+      came in and drew this pictur* of us in our bar.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most precious
+      luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this year way, why it
+      won't be for want of warning, both from Professor Harris, the Commission,
+      and from
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;JEAMES PLUSH.&rdquo; <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER I.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      &ldquo;TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION.&rdquo;
+     </h3>
+    <p>
+      I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public I
+      should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, as I leave
+      it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S.,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      AHMEDNUGGAR.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid any of
+      those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so frequent of
+      late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble title of
+      mine, and the confusion thereby created. When I published my volume of
+      poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper remarked &ldquo;that the Lyrics
+      of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among the sweetest flowrets
+      of the present spring season.&rdquo; The Quarterly Review, commenting upon my
+      Observations on the &ldquo;Pons Asinorum&rdquo; (4to. London, 1836), called me &ldquo;Doctor
+      Gahagan,&rdquo; and so on. It was time to put an end to these mistakes, and I
+      have taken the above simple remedy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at
+      the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl&mdash;ns
+      (who, though she does not speak English, understands it as well as I do,)
+      said to me in the softest Teutonic, &ldquo;Lieber Herr Major, haben sie den
+      Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion gelassen?&rdquo; &ldquo;Warum denn?&rdquo; said I, quite
+      astonished at her R&mdash;-l H&mdash;&mdash;-ss's question. The P&mdash;-cess
+      then spoke of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Goliah
+      Gahagan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Comment donc?&rdquo; said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count Mole;
+      &ldquo;le cher Major a quitte l'armee! Nicolas donc sera maitre de l'Inde!&rdquo; H. M&mdash;&mdash;
+      and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation in a low tone, and left
+      me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state of confusion. I blushed and
+      stuttered, and murmured out a few incoherent words to explain&mdash;but it
+      would not do&mdash;I could not recover my equanimity during the course of
+      the dinner and while endeavoring to help an English Duke, my neighbor, to
+      poulet a l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms and three large greasy
+      croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill. Another laugh at my expense.
+      &ldquo;Ah! M. le Major,&rdquo; said the Q&mdash;&mdash; of the B-lg&mdash;ns, archly,
+      &ldquo;vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel.&rdquo; Her M&mdash;&mdash;y's joke
+      will be better understood when I state that his Grace is the brother of a
+      Minister.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by mentioning
+      the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. I only wish to
+      have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least in DECENT
+      society. Verbum sat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah in
+      full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also a
+      Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the public
+      most likely knows. Poor Greg! a very trivial dispute was the cause of our
+      quarrel, which never would have originated but for the similarity of our
+      names. The circumstance was this: I had been lucky enough to render the
+      Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling service (in the notorious affair of
+      Choprasjee Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a gold toothpick-case
+      directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course thought was for me: my
+      brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the consequence was, that in
+      about three minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut 6), which
+      effectually did his business:&mdash;he was a good swordsman enough&mdash;I
+      was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous part of the affair is,
+      that the toothpick-case was his, after all&mdash;he had left it on the
+      Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what madness prompted him to
+      fight about such a paltry bauble; he had much better have yielded it at
+      once, when he saw I was determined to have it. From this slight specimen
+      of my adventures, the reader will perceive that my life has been one of no
+      ordinary interest; and, in fact, I may say that I have led a more
+      remarkable life than any man in the service&mdash;I have been at more
+      pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes, had more success among the fair
+      sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a handsomer man than any officer
+      now serving her Majesty.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of seventeen,
+      with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic at all kinds of
+      exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else who would trust me,
+      possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of 120L. a year. I need not
+      say that with all these advantages I did that which a number of clever
+      fellows have done before me&mdash;I fell in love, and proposed to marry
+      immediately.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But how to overcome the difficulty?&mdash;It is true that I loved Julia
+      Jowler&mdash;loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a
+      Member of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was,
+      however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the &ldquo;Samuel
+      Snob&rdquo; East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely creature, and my
+      misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. We were not out of
+      the Channel before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she trod upon,
+      kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. The same
+      madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates fought about her at
+      the Cape; the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from disappointed
+      affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten spontaneous
+      combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven
+      daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs. L., and
+      made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me, with tears in his
+      eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs. Duffy, although he had had
+      nineteen children by her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We used to call her the witch&mdash;there was magic in her beauty and in
+      her voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark staring mad
+      when she looked at me! O lustrous black eyes!&mdash;O glossy night-black
+      ringlets!&mdash;O lips!&mdash;O dainty frocks of white muslin!&mdash;O
+      tiny kid slippers!&mdash;though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still! I
+      recollect, off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular way one day
+      at dinner, just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of scalding hot
+      green fat. I was stupefied at once&mdash;I thrust the entire morsel (about
+      half a pound) into my mouth. I made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate
+      it, but left it there for many minutes, burning, burning! I had no skin to
+      my palate for seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest
+      of the voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia
+      Jowler over me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of storms,
+      shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so forth, that
+      (although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think it
+      quite unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to say,
+      that during our five months' trajet, my mad passion for Julia daily
+      increased; so did the captain's and the surgeon's; so did Colonel
+      Lilywhite's; so did the doctor's, the mate's&mdash;that of most part of
+      the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew. For myself, I swore&mdash;ensign
+      as I was&mdash;I would win her for my wife; I vowed that I would make her
+      glorious with my sword&mdash;that as soon as I had made a favorable
+      impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to create), I
+      would lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand his
+      daughter's hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage continue
+      and conclude.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December, 1802, and
+      then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was carried off to her
+      papa's arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at least forty hookahbadars;
+      whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a solitary beasty
+      (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are called), made his way
+      humbly to join the regiment at head-quarters.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The &mdash;th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of
+      Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and Europe
+      by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles&mdash;so great was its
+      character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in that delightful
+      district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in command, and Tom
+      Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through the body, was
+      second Major. We were on the eve of that remarkable war which was speedily
+      to spread throughout the whole of India, to call forth the valor of a
+      Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a Gahagan; which was
+      illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar (where I was the first over
+      the barricade at the storming of the Pettah); at Argaum, where I slew with
+      my own sword twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in two; and
+      by that terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would have been beaten but
+      for me&mdash;me alone: I headed nineteen charges of cavalry, took (aided
+      by only four men of my own troop) seventeen field-pieces, killing the
+      scoundrelly French artillerymen; on that day I had eleven elephants shot
+      under me, and carried away Scindiah's nose-ring with a pistol-ball.
+      Wellesley is a Duke and a Marshal, I but a simple Major of Irregulars.
+      Such is fortune and war! But my feelings carry me away from my narrative,
+      which had better proceed with more order.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first time put
+      on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue swallow-tailed
+      jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with about 3,000 sugar-loaf
+      buttons, rhubarb-colored leather inexpressibles (tights), and red morocco
+      boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to admiration the handsome
+      persons of the officers of our corps. We wore powder in those days; and a
+      regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded by
+      leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather, gave the head a
+      fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more easily imagined than
+      described.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself before
+      Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely similar, but not
+      being more than five feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen stone,
+      the dress he wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and taller
+      men. Flanked by his tall Majors, Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like a stumpy
+      skittle-ball between two attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel
+      received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime favorite
+      with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was the most
+      hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love together, I
+      continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet presence of
+      Julia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early
+      days, that this Miss Jowler&mdash;on whom I had lavished my first and
+      warmest love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and purity&mdash;was
+      no better than a little impudent flirt, who played with my feelings,
+      because during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no other toy to play
+      with; and who deserted others for me, and me for others, just as her whim
+      or her interest might guide her. She had not been three weeks at
+      head-quarters when half the regiment was in love with her. Each and all of
+      the candidates had some favor to boast of, or some encouraging hopes on
+      which to build. It was the scene of the &ldquo;Samuel Snob&rdquo; over again, only
+      heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list will give
+      the reader a notion of some of them:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. Hicks
+      received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity of carroty
+      whisker forced down his throat with the ball.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan. I was run through the
+      body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and injured me very slightly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S.,
+      Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo grounds,
+      Ramgolly branch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's-play, and he might have come
+      off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the civilian
+      placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his stomach. A
+      remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account of which I sent
+      home to the &ldquo;Philosophical Transactions:&rdquo; the surgeon had extracted the
+      ball, and was going off, thinking that all was well, when the gold
+      repeater struck thirteen in poor Macgillicuddy's abdomen. I suppose that
+      the works must have been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for the
+      repeater was one of Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the
+      circumstance occurred at SEVEN o'clock.*
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * So admirable are the performances of these watches, which
+     will stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor
+     Macgillicuddy relate the following fact.  The hours, as it
+     is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four: the day
+     Mac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours,
+     from one to twenty-four; as soon as he crossed the Alps it
+     only sounded as usual.&mdash;G. O'G. G.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which this
+      Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should think,
+      satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, heaven
+      knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the sake
+      of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I know that four times
+      as many more took place concerning her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had been
+      born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had married from the
+      house of her mother, a native. There were some singular rumors abroad
+      regarding this latter lady's history: it was reported that she was the
+      daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off by a poor English
+      subaltern in Lord Clive's time. The young man was killed very soon after,
+      and left his child with its mother. The black Prince forgave his daughter
+      and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I suppose that it was on
+      this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who had not, I do
+      believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality: she was a
+      hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, and red
+      eyes: she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy&mdash;she hated and was hated
+      by all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any other.
+      She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent most of her time
+      with her native friends. I wonder how she could have given birth to so
+      lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of course with the
+      Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her daughter's
+      composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her. If Julia had been
+      a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now; she set the whole cantonment
+      by the ears; she made wives jealous and husbands miserable; she caused all
+      those duels of which I have discoursed already, and yet such was the
+      fascination of THE WITCH that I still thought her an angel. I made court
+      to the nasty mother in order to be near the daughter; and I listened
+      untiringly to Jowler's interminable dull stories, because I was occupied
+      all the time in watching the graceful movements of Miss Julia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the
+      battle-field Gahagan is a man! The Bundelcund Invincibles received orders
+      to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and prepared to part
+      from his Andromache. And now arose his perplexity: what must be done with
+      his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife's peculiarities of living, and
+      did not much care to trust his daughter to her keeping; but in vain he
+      tried to find her an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment.
+      Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing to do with Mrs.
+      Jowler; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have neither mother nor
+      daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her mother must have a house
+      together, and Jowler knew that his wife would fill it with her odious
+      blackamoor friends.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned
+      from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see her alone, and
+      wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer does about a
+      public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and
+      longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or
+      her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the tale of
+      my love.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But it would not do&mdash;old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a sudden
+      to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him out of doors,
+      and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin gave the first idea
+      of our regimental breeches), who before had been gadding ceaselessly
+      abroad, and poking her broad nose into every menage in the cantonment,
+      stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My only chance was to beard
+      the old couple in their den, and ask them at once for their cub.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I called one day at tiffin:&mdash;old Jowler was always happy to have
+      my company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson's
+      pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was
+      in Bengal)&mdash;and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old
+      Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;&mdash;she was exactly the color of
+      it, as I have had already the honor to remark, and she swallowed the
+      mixture with a gusto which was never equalled, except by my poor friend
+      Dando apropos d'huitres. She consumed the first three platefuls with a
+      fork and spoon, like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old
+      hag would throw away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes
+      towards her, go to work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with
+      her fingers, and stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy
+      company. But why do I diverge from the main point of my story?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl was in
+      the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. &ldquo;How do you do, Mr.
+      Gagin?&rdquo; said the old hag, leeringly. &ldquo;Eat a bit o' currie-bhaut,&rdquo;&mdash;and
+      she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. &ldquo;What! Gagy
+      my boy, how do, how do?&rdquo; said the fat Colonel. &ldquo;What! run through the
+      body?&mdash;got well again&mdash;have some Hodgson&mdash;run through your
+      body too!&rdquo;&mdash;and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact
+      that in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of
+      the skin) old Jowler laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars,
+      sices, consomahs, and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me,
+      unasked, with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused
+      nervously for a moment, and then said&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The black ruffians took the hint and retired.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Colonel and Mrs. Jowler,&rdquo; said I solemnly, &ldquo;we are alone; and you, Miss
+      Jowler, you are alone too; that is&mdash;I mean&mdash;I take this
+      opportunity to&mdash;(another glass of ale, if you please)&mdash;to
+      express, once for all, before departing on a dangerous campaign&rdquo;&mdash;(Julia
+      turned pale)&mdash;&ldquo;before entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch
+      in the dust my high-raised hopes and me, to express my hopes while life
+      still remains to me, and to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and
+      Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia!&rdquo; The Colonel, astonished, let fall
+      a steel fork, which stuck quivering for some minutes in the calf of my
+      leg; but I heeded not the paltry interruption. &ldquo;Yes, by yon bright
+      heaven,&rdquo; continued I, &ldquo;I love you, Julia! I respect my commander, I esteem
+      your excellent and beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may
+      hope for a return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do
+      such deeds in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of your
+      Gahagan.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, snapped, and
+      ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was now red, now white;
+      the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg,
+      wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had remarked by his
+      side.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A cornet!&rdquo; said he, in a voice choking with emotion; &ldquo;a pitiful, beggarly
+      Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler! Gag, Gahagan, are you
+      mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man&mdash;at these
+      letters, I say&mdash;one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every part
+      of India (not including one from the Governor-General, and six from his
+      brother, Colonel Wellesley,)&mdash;one hundred and twenty-four proposals
+      for the hand of Miss Jowler! Cornet Gahagan,&rdquo; he continued, &ldquo;I wish to
+      think well of you: you are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the
+      handsomest man in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee. You ask
+      me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!&rdquo;&mdash;(Here the old
+      rogue grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).&mdash;&ldquo;No, no,&rdquo; said he,
+      waxing good-natured; &ldquo;Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense! Julia, love, retire
+      with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe
+      with me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      I am not going to give here an account of my military services; they will
+      appear in my great national autobiography, in forty volumes, which I am
+      now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in all Wellesley's
+      brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk, I travelled across the country
+      north-eastward, and had the honor of fighting by the side of Lord Lake at
+      Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore: but I will not
+      boast of my actions&mdash;the military man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN
+      appreciates them. If asked who was the bravest man of the Indian army,
+      there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry at once,
+      GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate: I cared not for life, deprived of
+      Julia Jowler.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern refusal
+      in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, again to seek
+      her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen months on service,
+      marching and countermarching, and fighting almost every other day: to the
+      world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the face, and not the
+      seared and blighted heart within me. My valor, always desperate, now
+      reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my grooms and grass-cutters for
+      the most trifling offence or error,&mdash;I never in action spared a man,&mdash;I
+      sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of that single
+      campaign.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor old
+      Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he received a parcel
+      of letters from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her daughter),
+      and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that he ordered
+      eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within two days; but it was
+      against the blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows, in the
+      heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather
+      roughly with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they used to
+      pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, to flog
+      them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on. Jowler, when
+      he heard of these proceedings, which before had always justly exasperated
+      him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now to smile fiercely and
+      say, &ldquo;D&mdash;- the black scoundrels! Serve them right, serve them right!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had been on a
+      foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably to camp,
+      when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a neighboring
+      mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in an instant three of my men's
+      saddles were empty, and I was left with but seven more to make head
+      against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen. I never saw in
+      my life a nobler figure than the leader of the troop&mdash;mounted on a
+      splendid black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he wore a
+      steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful French carbine,
+      which had already done execution upon two of my men. I saw that our only
+      chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man. I shouted to him in a
+      voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of course), &ldquo;Stop, dog, if you
+      dare, and encounter a man!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and mortally
+      transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. Grinding my teeth and
+      swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed its blow,*
+      and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, his own sword
+      making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry of
+      battle.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go
+     out with small-swords&mdash;miserable weapons only fit for
+     tailors.&mdash;G. O'G. G.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut off his
+      sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head. I said that he
+      wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of
+      chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered &ldquo;ST. GEORGE;&rdquo; my sword
+      caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, cut crashing
+      through the steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby which he
+      wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean in two between the eyebrows
+      and nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side on each
+      shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my men, who
+      were not a little amused at the feat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their leader's
+      fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we made a single
+      prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said it was
+      Chowder Loll.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Chowder Loll!&rdquo; shrieked Colonel Jowler. &ldquo;O fate! thy hand is here!&rdquo; He
+      rushed wildly into his tent&mdash;the next day applied for leave of
+      absence. Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for
+      some time.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General Lake
+      sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley received me
+      with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at
+      Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blushing,
+      thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my former
+      passages with his daughter. &ldquo;Gagy my boy,&rdquo; says he, shaking hands, &ldquo;glad
+      to see you. Old friend, Julia&mdash;come to tiffin&mdash;Hodgson's pale&mdash;brave
+      fellow Gagy.&rdquo; Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, and fixed
+      upon me her awful eyes! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent
+      words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said, &ldquo;Come!&rdquo; Need I say
+      I went?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I know,
+      that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had been: and that in
+      three weeks I&mdash;yes, I&mdash;was the accepted lover of Julia! I did
+      not pause to ask where were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I,
+      refused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I loved her, and
+      was happy!
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a lover's
+      pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of palaces until I
+      came to the house which contained my Julia. I peeped into the compound&mdash;all
+      was still; I looked into the veranda&mdash;all was dark, except a light&mdash;yes,
+      one light&mdash;and it was in Julia's chamber! My heart throbbed almost to
+      stilling. I would&mdash;I WOULD advance, if but to gaze upon her for a
+      moment, and to bless her as she slept. I DID look, I DID advance; and, O
+      heaven! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress, with a very dark
+      baby in her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an ayah, who was nursing
+      another.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, mamma,&rdquo; said Julia, &ldquo;what would that fool Gahagan say if he knew
+      all?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HE DOES KNOW ALL!&rdquo; shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down the
+      tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia
+      fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their d&mdash;&mdash;d
+      nurse fell on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindustanee. Old
+      Jowler at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!&rdquo; shouted I. &ldquo;Turn, ruffian, and defend
+      yourself!&rdquo; But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked at his
+      lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why continue the tale? I need not now account for Jowler's gloom on
+      receiving his letters from Benares&mdash;for his exclamation upon the
+      death of the Indian chief&mdash;for his desire to marry his daughter: the
+      woman I was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. Chowder
+      Loll!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER II.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of some
+      of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have endeavored
+      to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I
+      make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or good feeling, to steal
+      from me that which is my sole wealth&mdash;my character as a teller of THE
+      TRUTH.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures of a
+      profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists, none (luckily
+      for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of my statements: they
+      know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON. If I can use the pen, I can
+      also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, and would answer their
+      contradictions with my sword! No gold or gems adorn the hilt of that
+      war-worn scimitar; but there is blood upon the blade&mdash;the blood of
+      the enemies of my country, and the maligners of my honest fame. There are
+      others, however&mdash;the disgrace of a disgraceful trade&mdash;who,
+      borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have ventured to assail me.
+      The infamous editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay Beacon, the
+      Tipperary Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other dastardly organs
+      of the provincial press, have, although differing in politics, agreed upon
+      this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity, vented a flood of abuse
+      upon the revelations made by me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully perverted
+      history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, was any one of
+      these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any single conductor of any one
+      of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country? Does
+      this EXQUISITE Tipperary scribe know the difference between Hurrygurrybang
+      and Burrumtollah? Not he! and because, forsooth, in those strange and
+      distant lands strange circumstances have taken place, it is insinuated
+      that the relater is a liar: nay, that the very places themselves have no
+      existence but in my imagination. Fools!&mdash;but I will not waste my
+      anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions of my personal
+      history.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will not
+      venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against
+      Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna, where
+      he exercised that brilliant little army which was speedily to perform such
+      wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give a slight account of the
+      causes of a war which was speedily to rage through some of the fairest
+      portions of the Indian continent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line of
+      Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had wellnigh hurled
+      Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of Bagdad)&mdash;Shah Allum,
+      I say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was in reality the slave
+      of the various warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over the country
+      and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some more successful
+      rebel. Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scindiah, and
+      the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a time complete
+      mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan soldier, had
+      abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it until he had
+      seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes of the
+      last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came to the rescue of
+      the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed his oppressor, only
+      increased his slavery; holding him in as painful a bondage as he had
+      suffered under the tyrannous Afghan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long rather
+      as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, the British
+      Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no means
+      interfered in the contest. But the French Revolution broke out, and a host
+      of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian States,
+      seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds of the various
+      native princes against the British East India Company. A number of these
+      entered into Scindiah's ranks: one of them, Perron, was commander of his
+      army; and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in his hereditary
+      quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of an invasion of the
+      British territory, the Company all of a sudden discovered that Shah Allum,
+      his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and determined to re-establish the
+      ancient splendor of his throne.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that prompted our
+      governors to take these kindly measures in his favor. I don't know how it
+      happened that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit better
+      off than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten, and Scindiah
+      annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a puppet as before. Somehow, in the
+      hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster remained with the British
+      Government, who had so kindly offered to dress it for the Emperor, while
+      his Majesty was obliged to be contented with the shell.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of the
+      Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of cavalry and
+      twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by General Lake in
+      person.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur; on the
+      fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name was mentioned in
+      general orders, I may as well quote the Commander-in-Chief's words
+      regarding me&mdash;they will spare me the trouble of composing my own
+      eulogium:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high sense
+      of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the &mdash;&mdash; cavalry. In
+      the storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single ladder,
+      and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in
+      escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. Fourteen ditches
+      lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls
+      bristling with innumerable artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses,
+      were in turn triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His course
+      was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies lying thick upon the
+      platforms; and alas! by the corpses of most of the gallant men who
+      followed him!&mdash;when at length he effected his lodgment, and the
+      dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose upon
+      him the tigers and lions of Scindiah's menagerie. This meritorious officer
+      destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most ferocious
+      animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOR,
+      shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty Goss,
+      havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine hundred who
+      followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honor to them! honor and tears for the brave
+      men who perished on that awful day!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of September
+      24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to the statement, may
+      refer to the paper itself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so marvellously
+      preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. Were I to say that
+      any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous combat,
+      the reader would laugh me to scorn. No: though my narrative is
+      extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and never, never would I
+      sacrifice truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this:&mdash;the
+      citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a thousand feet above
+      the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his
+      Excellency was good enough to remark in his despatch. A man who would
+      mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he
+      mounted them without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We HAD
+      scaling-ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was quite
+      impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. Mounted on
+      them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I saw that we
+      must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could be found for our
+      brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was about seventy feet high. I
+      instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and peppered the latter so
+      as to make, not a breach, but a scaling place; the men mounting in the
+      holes made by the shot. By this simple stratagem, I managed to pass each
+      successive barrier&mdash;for to ascend a wall which the General was
+      pleased to call &ldquo;as smooth as glass&rdquo; is an absurd impossibility: I seek to
+      achieve none such:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;I dare do all that may become a man,
+     Who dares do more, is neither more nor less.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one of us
+      would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it was owing to
+      fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery,
+      arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so difficult
+      as might be imagined&mdash;killing these fellows was sheer butchery. As
+      soon as we appeared, they all turned and fled helter-skelter, and the
+      reader may judge of their courage by the fact that out of about seven
+      hundred men killed by us, only forty had wounds in front, the rest being
+      bayoneted as they ran.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting out of
+      these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, the second
+      commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (conspicuous for a
+      tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we stormed
+      them, and running away the very first among the fugitives. He had all the
+      keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he opened the menagerie portal,
+      left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when the animals were
+      overcome. Runty Goss then opened them one by one, our troops entered, and
+      the victorious standard of my country floated on the walls of Allyghur!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line of
+      fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead rhinoceros on
+      which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. But the excitement which
+      had borne me through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day failed
+      all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in the
+      power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds him in the
+      capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit was, therefore,
+      not very rich. His Excellency had a favorite horn snuff-box (for, though
+      exalted in station, he was in his habits most simple): of this, and about
+      a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, which he always took, he made
+      me a present, saying, in front of the line, &ldquo;Accept this, Mr. Gahagan, as
+      a token of respect from the first to the bravest officer in the army.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that fourpence
+      was about the value of this gift: but it has at least this good effect&mdash;it
+      serves to convince any person who doubts my story, that the facts of it
+      are really true. I have left it at the office of my publisher, along with
+      the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody may examine both by
+      applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.* That once popular
+      expression, or proverb, &ldquo;are you up to snuff?&rdquo; arose out of the above
+      circumstance; for the officers of my corps, none of whom, except myself,
+      had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me about this modest
+      reward for my labors. Never mind! when they want me to storm a fort AGAIN,
+      I shall know better.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at
+     Mr. Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a
+     newspaper, and does not QUITE prove that he killed a
+     rhinoceros and stormed fourteen intrenchments at the siege
+     of Allyghur.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, Perron,
+      who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in to us, with his
+      family and treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements at
+      Chandernagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we now moved.
+      The morning of the 11th of September found us upon the plains of Delhi.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves after the
+      morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet along with
+      O'Gawler of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy's
+      neighborhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler and I were seated under a
+      little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed to shelter us from the
+      intolerable heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight a few
+      Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak,
+      refreshing sangaree. We had been playing cards the night before, and
+      O'Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of the
+      sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking, and
+      holding mine up, said, &ldquo;Here's better luck to you next time, O'Gawler!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      As I spoke the words&mdash;whish!&mdash;a cannon-ball cut the tumbler
+      clean out of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach. It settled
+      him completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such
+      are the uncertainties of war!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements&mdash;to mount my Arab charger&mdash;to
+      drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree&mdash;and to gallop to
+      the General, was the work of a moment. I found him as comfortably at
+      tiffin as if he were at his own house in London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;General,&rdquo; said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent), &ldquo;you
+      must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The enemy&mdash;psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of the
+      river.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly carry
+      five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot dead at my side
+      with a cannon-ball.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha! is it so?&rdquo; said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the drumstick
+      of a grilled chicken. &ldquo;Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of Europe are
+      upon us, and follow me!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat; each
+      British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. We mounted
+      our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old General; I not the
+      last in the train, upon my famous black charger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three miles
+      of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we galloped, we
+      were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line.
+      Nothing can better describe it than this:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+            ________________________________
+           ................................. A
+          .
+         .
+        .
+       .
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &mdash;A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty
+      pieces of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, intrenched;
+      and a wide morass in his front gave him an additional security.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said, turning
+      round to one of his aides-de-camp, &ldquo;Order up Major-General Tinkler and the
+      cavalry.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HERE, does your Excellency mean?&rdquo; said the aide-de-camp, surprised, for
+      the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying about as
+      thick as peas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HERE, sir!&rdquo; said the old General, stamping with his foot in a passion,
+      and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. In five minutes
+      we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part of
+      the cavalry had joined us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the air,
+      their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden sunlight.
+      &ldquo;And now we are here,&rdquo; said Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler, &ldquo;what
+      next?&rdquo; &ldquo;Oh, d&mdash;- it,&rdquo; said the Commander-in-Chief, &ldquo;charge, charge&mdash;nothing
+      like charging&mdash;galloping&mdash;guns&mdash;rascally black scoundrels&mdash;charge,
+      charge!&rdquo; And then turning round to me (perhaps he was glad to change the
+      conversation), he said, &ldquo;Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the battle WAS
+      GAINED BY ME. I do not mean to insult the reader by pretending that any
+      personal exertions of mine turned the day,&mdash;that I killed, for
+      instance, a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns,&mdash;such
+      absurd tales would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is well
+      known, never say a single word which cannot be proved, and hate more than
+      all other vices the absurd sin of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to
+      the General, at a quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day,
+      won this great triumph for the British army.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though somehow
+      they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General Lake, for the
+      victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree! and who,
+      forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand upon my
+      heart and say that I was. If any proof is wanting of the fact, let me give
+      it at once, and from the highest military testimony in the world&mdash;I
+      mean that of the Emperor Napoleon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the &ldquo;Prince Regent,&rdquo;
+       Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage from Calcutta
+      to England. In company with the other officers on board the ship, I paid
+      my respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who received us in his
+      garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen dress and a large
+      broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his
+      son Emanuel, then a little boy; who I dare say does not recollect me, but
+      who nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels of my Hessian
+      boots during the whole of our interview with his Imperial Majesty.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by General
+      Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a bow to the
+      owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to mine.
+      The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands out of his
+      pockets, put them behind his back, and coming up to me smiling, pronounced
+      the following words:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said&mdash;&ldquo;Sire, c'est moi.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Parbleu! je le savais bien,&rdquo; said the Emperor, holding out his snuff-box.
+      &ldquo;En usez-vous, Major?&rdquo; I took a large pinch (which, with the honor of
+      speaking to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes), and he
+      continued as nearly as possible in the following words:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third brother, the
+      Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Gahagan.&mdash;&ldquo;Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your Majesty's
+      service stood under the green flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat
+      Wellington back. It was the only time, as your Majesty knows, that
+      Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Napoleon (looking as if he would say, &ldquo;D&mdash;- your candor, Major
+      Gahagan&rdquo;).&mdash;&ldquo;Well, well; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and
+      died a General in my service.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Gahagan.&mdash;&ldquo;He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty
+      Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan mark.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Napoleon (to Montholon).&mdash;&ldquo;C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma
+      parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que c'est vrai. Ils ne sont pas d'autres,
+      ces terribles Ga'gans. You must know that Monsieur gained the battle of
+      Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. In this way:&mdash;Ce
+      belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and placing them in
+      front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la plaine, was for charging
+      the enemy's batteries with his horse, who would have been ecrases,
+      mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the cunning of ce grand rogue que
+      vous voyez.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Montholon.&mdash;&ldquo;Coquin de Major, va!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Napoleon.&mdash;&ldquo;Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great
+      bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which he had
+      brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would infallibly
+      have done so&mdash;and the loss of his army would have been the ruin of
+      the East India Company&mdash;and the ruin of the English East India
+      Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a republic then!) in
+      the East&mdash;but that the man before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was
+      riding at the side of General Lake.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).&mdash;&ldquo;Gredin! cent mille
+      tonnerres de Dieu!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Napoleon (benignantly).&mdash;&ldquo;Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will you?
+      It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, or rather
+      slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a
+      retreat.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Montholon. &ldquo;Le lache! Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule jamais.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Napoleon.&mdash;&ldquo;STUPIDE! Don't you see WHY the retreat was ordered?&mdash;don't
+      you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from
+      his impregnable intrenchments? Don't you know that the ignorant Indian
+      fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of his guns, came
+      down with his cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons?
+      Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of the
+      north swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their guns, which
+      were useless, entered Holkar's intrenchments along with his troops, sabred
+      the artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of Delhi!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed fire, his
+      deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the enemy from beneath
+      the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the charge upon
+      the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud moment in my
+      life, but never such a proud one as this; and I would readily pardon the
+      word &ldquo;coward,&rdquo; as applied to me by Montholon, in consideration of the
+      testimony which his master bore in my favor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Major,&rdquo; said the Emperor to me in conclusion, &ldquo;why had I not such a man
+      as you in my service? I would have made you a Prince and a Marshal!&rdquo; and
+      here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport. He
+      was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his fortunes; and
+      indeed I have very little doubt that I might.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, Napoleon's
+      valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, and talking upon
+      the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me deeply impressed
+      by the condescension he had shown in this remarkable interview.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER III.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A PEEP INTO SPAIN&mdash;ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE
+      AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      HEAD QUARTERS, MORELLA, Sept. 16, 1838.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have been here for some months, along with my young friend Cabrera: and
+      in the hurry and bustle of war&mdash;daily on guard and in the batteries
+      for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe wounds and
+      seven musket-balls in my body&mdash;it may be imagined that I have had
+      little time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter arma
+      silent leges&mdash;in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing! as the
+      poet says; and I never would have bothered myself with a pen, had not
+      common gratitude incited me to throw off a few pages.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this place,
+      there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor Emmett Fitzgerald
+      Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of Gray's Inn, and what he
+      called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with the Queen's
+      people, not in a military capacity, but as representative of an English
+      journal; to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit
+      of transmitting accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and his own
+      opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving, for the discharge of his
+      duty, a couple of guineas a week from the proprietors of the journal in
+      question, he was enabled, as I need scarcely say, to make such a show in
+      Oraa's camp as only a Christino general officer, or at the very least a
+      colonel of a regiment, can afford to keep up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of course
+      among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a good deal of
+      slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to describe
+      here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, which had been made the
+      head-quarters of several Queenite officers during the siege. The pesatero
+      or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave chapel-churies,
+      with his fine family of children&mdash;the officers quartered in the
+      podesta had of course bolted; but one man remained, and my fellows were on
+      the point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios,
+      when I arrived in the room time enough to prevent the catastrophe. Seeing
+      before me an individual in the costume of a civilian&mdash;a white hat, a
+      light blue satin cravat, embroidered with butterflies and other
+      quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue plaid
+      trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and interposed to save his
+      life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he could
+      to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of slaughtering
+      him; but it is very little likely that his protestations would have had
+      any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the
+      ruffians to hold their hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that rank
+      in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six feet four in
+      height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called, because
+      it is five feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish armies&mdash;seeing,
+      I say, this figure, the fellows retired, exclaiming, &ldquo;Adios, corpo di
+      bacco, nosotros,&rdquo; and so on, clearly proving (by their words) that they
+      would, if they dared, have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued
+      from their fury. &ldquo;Villains!&rdquo; shouted I, hearing them grumble, &ldquo;away! quit
+      the apartment!&rdquo; Each man, sulkily sheathing his sombrero, obeyed, and
+      quitted the camarilla.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I have
+      briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he had a family
+      in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and that his most
+      intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven and earth to
+      revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a portmanteau passably well
+      filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my troops. I said,
+      though with much regret, that I must subject his person to a search; and
+      hence arose the circumstance which has called for what I fear you will
+      consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon Mr. Sheeny's person
+      three sovereigns in English money (which I have to this day), and
+      singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine, containing a portion
+      of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should let the poor young man
+      be shot or no, but this little circumstance saved his life. The gratified
+      vanity of authorship induced me to accept his portmanteau and valuables,
+      and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I put the Magazine in my
+      coat-pocket, and left him and the podesta.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full time
+      for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after committing
+      dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon the fort,
+      hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known and
+      respected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served for some
+      months on the Queen's side before I came over to Don Carlos); and, as it
+      is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect to receive it when taken
+      myself. On issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau and my sword
+      in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our own men in a
+      pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about four hundred
+      yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while on my left hand,
+      and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite lancers were
+      clattering along the road.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this discovery,
+      so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz! came a bullet by my
+      left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round&mdash;there
+      were seventy of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I said,
+      a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight seventy men, you
+      would write me down a fool or a liar: no, sir, I did not fight, I ran
+      away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am six feet four&mdash;my figure is as well known in the Spanish army as
+      that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera himself.
+      &ldquo;GAHAGAN!&rdquo; shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices, and fifty more
+      shots came rattling after me. I was running&mdash;running as the brave
+      stag before the hounds&mdash;running as I have done a great number of
+      times before in my life, when there was no help for it but a race.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained nearly
+      three upon our column in front, and that likewise the Christino horsemen
+      were left behind some hundred yards more; with the exception of three, who
+      were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a lance; he had
+      fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty yards in advance of his
+      comrades; there was a similar distance between the two lancers who rode
+      behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came up
+      delivered cut 3 at his horse's near leg&mdash;off it flew, and down, as I
+      expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through
+      my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that
+      fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the plan
+      which I hoped was to effect my rescue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and,
+      unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained&mdash;some
+      shirts, a bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &amp;c. &amp;c.,&mdash;I
+      had carried it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to
+      sacrifice it malgre moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my
+      right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, with aim so true, that
+      he fell back on his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse galloped
+      up to me, I had no difficulty in dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle
+      struck him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash him
+      from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment;
+      indeed, the two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the time
+      which it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the
+      rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's horse, I
+      had committed a very absurd oversight&mdash;I was scampering away WITHOUT
+      MY SWORD! What was I to do?&mdash;to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to
+      the legs of my horse for safety!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear his
+      horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey-fashion in my
+      saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in vain.
+      Closer&mdash;closer&mdash;the point of his lance was within two feet of my
+      back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my agony when I felt it
+      enter&mdash;through exactly fifty-nine pages of the New Monthly Magazine.
+      Had it not been for that Magazine, I should have been impaled without a
+      shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in feeling gratitude? Had I not cause to
+      continue my contributions to that periodical?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying party, I
+      was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of the
+      lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a ball
+      came whiz over my head from our fellows, and entering at his nose, put a
+      stop to HIS lancing for the future). I hastened to Cabrera's quarter, and
+      related to him some of my adventures during the day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But, General,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;you are standing. I beg you chiudete l'uscio
+      (take a chair).&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some
+      foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my sitting at
+      ease. I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and there, to my wonder,
+      DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like a fish-hook, or a pastoral
+      crook.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha! ha! ha!&rdquo; said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag).
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Valdepenas madrilenos,&rdquo; growled out Tristany.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman),&rdquo; shrieked out
+      Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, &ldquo;I will send it to the Bishop of
+      Leon for a crozier.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gahagan has CONSECRATED it,&rdquo; giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so they went
+      on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But, when they heard that the
+      means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly Christino had been
+      the Magazine containing my own history, their laugh was changed into
+      wonder. I read them (speaking Spanish more fluently than English) every
+      word of my story. &ldquo;But how is this?&rdquo; said Cabrera. &ldquo;You surely have other
+      adventures to relate?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Excellent Sir,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;I have;&rdquo; and that very evening, as we sat over
+      our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in nearly the
+      following words:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, as
+      everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. But who
+      gained the battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and
+      Laswaree, while Major Gaha&mdash;nonsense, never mind HIM, never mind the
+      charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in the
+      mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes; when,
+      with one hand seizing the sacred peishcush, or fish&mdash;which was the
+      banner always borne before Scindiah,&mdash;he, with his good sword, cut
+      off the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony,
+      plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren,
+      tossing, like chaff before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He,
+      meanwhile, now plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now
+      cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on,
+      like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand, a
+      hundred and forty-thr&mdash;but never mind&mdash;'ALONE HE DID IT;'
+      sufficient be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he cares not
+      for the empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate men!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic
+     reader may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his
+     Commentary on the Flight of Darius), is so called by the
+     Mahrattas.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah Allum
+      received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on our General.
+      As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah did not fail to remark
+      my person,* and was told my name.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part.
+     Shah Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have
+     seen Gahagan? The thing is manifestly impossible.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so delighted
+      with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose trunk I use to
+      this day), that he said, 'Let him be called GUJPUTI,' or the lord of
+      elephants; and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards familiarly
+      known among the natives,&mdash;the men, that is. The women had a softer
+      appellation for me, and called me 'Mushook,' or charmer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to the
+      reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from Delhi; nor the
+      terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice it to
+      say that we were victorious, and that I was wounded; as I have invariably
+      been in the two hundred and four occasions when I have found myself in
+      action. One point, however, became in the course of this campaign QUITE
+      evident&mdash;THAT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE FOR GAHAGAN. The country cried
+      shame, the King's troops grumbled, the sepoys openly murmured that their
+      Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed such signal services.
+      What was to be done? Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary. 'Gahagan,'
+      wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently not your fate&mdash;YOU WERE
+      BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley are good officers, they
+      cannot be turned out&mdash;I must make a post for you. What say you, my
+      dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had its
+      origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long be
+      remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the uniform of
+      the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were not wanting as soon
+      as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my standard a great
+      deal faster than to the regular corps in the Company's service. I had
+      European officers, of course, to command them, and a few of my countrymen
+      as sergeants; the rest were all natives, whom I chose of the strongest and
+      bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and
+      Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most warlike districts of
+      our Indian territory.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble
+      appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance, gave a
+      carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid costume that
+      ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six feet
+      four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and proportion. My hair
+      and beard are of the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely to be
+      distinguished at a distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue,
+      overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific
+      gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid, and
+      the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly military
+      appearance than can be conceived. When I have been drinking (as is pretty
+      often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have another which
+      took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of my front teeth, I
+      leave you to imagine that 'seldom lighted on the earth' (as the monster
+      Burke remarked of one of his unhappy victims), 'a more extraordinary
+      vision.' I improved these natural advantages; and, while in cantonment
+      during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to grow very long,
+      as did my beard, which reached to my waist. It took me two hours daily to
+      curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw ringlets, which waved over
+      my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well round to the corners of my
+      eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and red morocco boots, a
+      scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color round my waist; a scarlet
+      turban three feet high, and decorated with a tuft of the scarlet feathers
+      of the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and I did not allow myself a single
+      ornament, except a small silver skull and crossbones in front of my
+      turban. Two brace of pistols, a Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both
+      sides, and very nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant costume.
+      My two flags were each surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones, and
+      ornamented, one with a black, and the other with a red beard (of enormous
+      length, taken from men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course
+      the arms of John Company; on the other, an image of myself bestriding a
+      prostrate elephant, with the simple word, 'Gujputi' written underneath in
+      the Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and
+      looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied the words
+      which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in Marlborough's
+      time:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;'To noble danger he conducts the way,
+     His great example all his troop obey,
+     Before the front the Major sternly rides,
+     With such an air as Mars to battle strides.
+     Propitious heaven must sure a hero save
+     Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!'
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger,
+      Pappendick, Stuffle, &amp;c., &amp;c.) were dressed exactly in the same
+      way, but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in black. I
+      have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the
+      Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view than any set of
+      ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would to heaven that the Czar of
+      Muscovy had passed through Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old
+      Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him! Bless you, bless you, my
+      swart companions in victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the
+      booming of your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye rage
+      in the thickest of the battle!*
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to
+     pretend that my genius as a writer has not been equalled in
+     former times; but if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe,
+     or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful
+     sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is
+     all&mdash;I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO HIM.&mdash;&mdash;G. O'G. G.,
+     M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a figure the
+      Irregulars cut on a field-day&mdash;a line of five hundred black-faced,
+      black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men&mdash;Biggs, Glogger, and
+      the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of
+      lightning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, like yon
+      glorious orb in heaven.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's sudden
+      and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when we thought
+      that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg had
+      completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he broke up his camp at
+      Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard of him was, that he was
+      at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam&mdash;he was, in fact, in
+      the very heart of our territory.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The unfortunate part of the affair was this:&mdash;His Excellency,
+      despising the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about two
+      thousand miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest degree where to
+      lay hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew,
+      and for a considerable period the movements of Lake's cavalry were quite
+      ambiguous, uncertain, promiscuous, and undetermined.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804. At the
+      beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, cutting
+      off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under lip), and I was
+      obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired for
+      my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur&mdash;it
+      is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have
+      there a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon
+      and the sticking-plaster.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the lower
+      Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is fortified
+      slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, meaning in Hindoostanee
+      'the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced-Feringhees-near
+      the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram') occupied by Europeans. (It is
+      astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, and how much
+      can be conveyed in one or two of the commonest phrases.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks with
+      Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner of health at
+      Futtyghur.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The cantonment at
+      Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy slave.
+      Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety! The fact is, that
+      when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army all
+      congregated to this place, where they were left, as it was supposed, in
+      safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of all. I may
+      at least mention SOME whose memory is still most dear to me. There was&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Miss Bulcher.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in large
+      capitals.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more too
+      numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, collected there,
+      and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were, 'Gahagan, I
+      commit those women to your charge. Guard them with your life, watch over
+      them with your honor, defend them with the matchless power of your
+      indomitable arm.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty air of
+      the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has often ere
+      this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of a
+      hill&mdash;the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at its base; and no
+      spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both by art
+      and nature, as a favorite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher,
+      Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies above mentioned, had
+      each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and between
+      one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as can the hours of
+      any man who is away from his darling occupation of war.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant pettah,
+      defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp, and
+      a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my flag was planted, and the
+      small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in the
+      case-mates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there were besides three
+      reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, who lived in the town,) completed,
+      as I may say, the garrison of our little fortalice, which I was left to
+      defend and to command.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had invited
+      Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and,
+      indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in honor of
+      the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting season, and
+      indeed as a farewell visit, for it was my intention to take dawk the very
+      next morning and return to my regiment. The three amateur missionaries
+      whom I have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very rigid
+      religious principles, refused to appear at my little party. They had
+      better never have been born than have done as they did: as you shall hear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of the
+      delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar kind,
+      which I had shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by every
+      lady and gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire on the
+      ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I was occupied,
+      as the French say, in conter-ing fleurettes to this sweet young creature,
+      when, all of a sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing through the air, and a
+      strong light was visible in the valley below the little fort.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda; 'this is too gallant.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, 'they are fireworks of which I
+      have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries&mdash;'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Look, look!' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my
+      arm: 'what do I see? yes&mdash;no&mdash;yes! it is&mdash;OUR BUNGALOW IS
+      IN FLAMES!'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General was at
+      that moment seen a prey to the devouring element&mdash;another and another
+      succeeded it&mdash;seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the
+      name of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black midnight
+      air!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the
+      conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of black
+      forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could observe
+      columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their ground
+      in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which the bungalows
+      were built!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling Belinda clung
+      closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that encircled her waist),
+      'down with the drawbridge! see that your masolgees' (small tumbrels which
+      are used in place of large artillery) 'be well loaded: you, sepoys, hasten
+      and man the ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the lights in the
+      embrasures! we shall have warm work of it to-night, or my name is not
+      Goliah Gahagan.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the sepoys,
+      choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the platform at the
+      sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the consternation, shrill the
+      screaming, occasioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and mute with
+      terror! the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither to fly for refuge.
+      'Who are yonder ruffians?' said I. A hundred voices yelped in reply&mdash;some
+      said the Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah,
+      and others declared it was Holkar&mdash;no one knew.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to reconnoitre yonder
+      troops?' There was a dead pause.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder army!'
+      again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that Scindiah and
+      Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared venture
+      to face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Abmednuggarees!' thought I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I see it&mdash;you are cowards&mdash;none of you
+      dare encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect:
+      know you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the morrow's
+      dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men against our
+      walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no hope;
+      death for us&mdash;and worse than death for these lovely ones assembled
+      here?' Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have heard the
+      jackals on a summer's evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both her
+      arms round me, and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket
+      rather, for the little witch could reach no higher).
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, 'GO&mdash;GO&mdash;GOGGLE&mdash;IAH!'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'My soul's adored!' replied I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Swear to me one thing.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I swear.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'That if&mdash;that if&mdash;the nasty, horrid, odious black
+      Mah-ra-a-a-attahs take the fort, you will put me out of their power.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that, rather
+      than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should perish by my own
+      hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, and
+      her elder sister, who had not until now known a word of our attachment,
+      (indeed, but for these extraordinary circumstances, it is probable that we
+      ourselves should never have discovered it,) were under these painful
+      circumstances made aware of my beloved Belinda's partiality for me. Having
+      communicated thus her wish of self-destruction, I thought her example a
+      touching and excellent one, and proposed to all the ladies that they
+      should follow it, and that at the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at
+      a signal given by me, they should one and all make away with themselves.
+      Fancy my disgust when, after making this proposition, not one of the
+      ladies chose to accede to it, and received it with the same chilling
+      denial that my former proposal to the garrison had met with.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it, a
+      trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the sentinels came
+      running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate with a
+      flag of truce!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the party,
+      whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the point of my
+      sword a scroll, of which the following is a translation:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,&mdash;I have the honor to inform you that I
+      arrived before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry
+      under my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in
+      Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the painful
+      necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs), and seven English
+      officers, whom I found in the village; the women have been transferred to
+      safe keeping in the harems of my officers and myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you will
+      surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general (hookahbadar)
+      in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your assent, I beg leave to
+      state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on taking it, shall put
+      to death every male in the garrison, and every female above twenty years
+      of age. For yourself I shall reserve a punishment, which for novelty and
+      exquisite torture has, I flatter myself, hardly ever been exceeded.
+      Awaiting the favor of a reply, I am, Sir,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Your very obedient servant,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'JESWUNT ROW HOLKAR.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'CAMP BEFORE FUTTYGHUR, Sept. 1, 1804.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'R. S. V. P.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing how
+      Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an enormous Pitan
+      soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape, round which his
+      turban wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock, and whistling
+      a national melody. I read the letter, and saw at once there was no time to
+      be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to Holkar. Were he to
+      attack us now before we were prepared, the fort would be his in half an
+      hour.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the gate and
+      advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the little bridge
+      across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the fashion of the
+      country, and, as he bent forward to return the compliment, I am sorry to
+      say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head, which
+      deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him within the wall,
+      raising the drawbridge after me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I
+      stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes, and,
+      putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the enemy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest of the
+      staff, were sound asleep! What I did in my reconnaisance, and how I
+      defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of telling on
+      another occasion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE INDIAN CAMP&mdash;THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      HEAD-QUARTERS, MORELLA, Oct. 3, 1838.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, and the
+      cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my
+      casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The laugh and song
+      pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the elegant
+      form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears of the
+      Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of Riego's hymn, which
+      is ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos
+      Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of
+      our little fortalice; the large casements are open&mdash;the wind, as it
+      enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the orange grove
+      and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant cedar-tree)
+      flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses its scent and
+      burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I write&mdash;meet
+      implements for a soldier's authorship!&mdash;it is CARTRIDGE paper over
+      which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder forms my
+      rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me, all&mdash;all is
+      peace! I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, England! and muse
+      over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early days! Let me resume my
+      narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the authoritative summons of
+      war) I paused on the last occasion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I left off, I think&mdash;(for I am a thousand miles away from
+      proof-sheets as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must
+      contradict myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)&mdash;I
+      think, I say, that I left off at that period of my story, when, Holkar
+      being before Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I had just been
+      compelled to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in the fallen
+      Indian's accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre the force, and, if
+      possible, to learn the intentions of the enemy. However much my figure
+      might have resembled that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might
+      have deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to
+      plunge, it was evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn
+      beard would have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army.
+      Seizing, then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my
+      hands, and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made my hair
+      and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and chain hood covered
+      likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence,
+      and a complete command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from
+      Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous
+      ordeal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had not the word of the night, it is true&mdash;but I trusted to good
+      fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing the flag
+      of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of hundred yards,
+      when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just overcome,
+      trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, and no sooner
+      did he see me than, dismounting from his own horse, and giving the rein to
+      a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger; a second fellow
+      likewise dismounted and followed the first; one held the bridle of the
+      horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams, aleikums, and other
+      genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and kneeling, waited until I
+      should mount.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was a
+      great man&mdash;that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air,
+      gathered up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked
+      saddle. &ldquo;Buk, buk,&rdquo; said I. &ldquo;It is good. In the name of the forty-nine
+      Imaums, let us ride on.&rdquo; And the whole party set off at a brisk trot, I
+      keeping silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was
+      about to encounter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual
+      silence (for I suppose, I&mdash;that is the Indian&mdash;was a talkative
+      officer). &ldquo;The lips of the Bahawder are closed,&rdquo; said one. &ldquo;Where are
+      those birds of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned
+      between the golden bars of his teeth!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Kush,&rdquo; said his companion, &ldquo;be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen the
+      dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword
+      reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion who can wear the
+      papooshes of the elephant-slayer&mdash;it is Bobbachy Bahawder!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the words of
+      the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his thoughts.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young birds, his actions, be strong
+      and swift in flight.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;May they DIGEST IRON!&rdquo; said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a wag in
+      his way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O-ho!&rdquo; thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. &ldquo;It was, then,
+      the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and he is the man
+      destined to stand in my slippers, is he?&rdquo; and I was at that very moment
+      standing in his own! Such are the chances and changes that fall to the lot
+      of the soldier!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I suppose everybody&mdash;everybody who has been in India, at least&mdash;has
+      heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two
+      Hindustanee words&mdash;bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He had
+      entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, by his
+      merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity of the
+      peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen of the first class;
+      he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's innumerable daughters: a
+      match which, according to the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of honor
+      than of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the field, it
+      was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive, completely
+      subjugated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of importance the
+      late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears,
+      (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash in his attack
+      upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate Pitan to
+      reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I learned from the
+      attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found out, an old favorite with
+      the Bobbachy&mdash;doubtless on account of his honesty and love of
+      repartee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Bahawder's lips are closed,&rdquo; said he, at last, trotting up to me;
+      &ldquo;has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah,&rdquo; said I; which means, &ldquo;My good friend,
+      what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and fills my bosom
+      with the darkest forebodings.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your dagger?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      [Here was a pretty conspiracy!] &ldquo;No, I saw him, but not alone; his people
+      were always with him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree
+      (whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon every
+      man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a dozen men in
+      the garrison, and they have not provision for two days&mdash;they must
+      yield; and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I am told the
+      soldiers who first get in are to have their pick. How my old woman, Rotee
+      Muckun, will be surprised when I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,&mdash;ha!
+      ha!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Fool!&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;be still!&mdash;twelve men in the garrison! there are
+      twelve hundred! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and as for
+      food, I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing in the
+      court-yard as I entered.&rdquo; This WAS a bouncer, I confess; but my object was
+      to deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possible of
+      the capabilities of defence which the besieged had.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Pooch, pooch,&rdquo; murmured the men; &ldquo;it is a wonder of a fortress: we shall
+      never be able to take it until our guns come up.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      There was hope then! they had no battering-train. Ere this arrived, I
+      trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and march down to rescue
+      us. Thus occupied in thought and conversation, we rode on until the
+      advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word, and we
+      passed on into the centre of Holkar's camp.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a strange&mdash;a stirring sight! The camp-fires were lighted; and
+      round them&mdash;eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of
+      the dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some Dhol Baut (or
+      Indian improvisatore) were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and
+      horses were picketed under the banyan-trees, on which the ripe mango fruit
+      was growing, and offered them an excellent food. Towards the spot which
+      the golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the
+      tent of Holkar, led an immense avenue&mdash;of elephants! the finest
+      street, indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on
+      its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian
+      matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the
+      grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with
+      pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, which grow
+      luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We passed down this extraordinary
+      avenue&mdash;no less than three hundred and eighty-eight tails did I count
+      on each side&mdash;each tail appertaining to an elephant twenty-five feet
+      high&mdash;each elephant having a two-storied castle on its back&mdash;each
+      castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve men that formed
+      its garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof&mdash;each roof bearing a
+      flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the crescent glittering with a
+      thousand gems, and round it the imperial standard,&mdash;each standard of
+      silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the well-known device of Holkar,
+      argent an or gules, between a sinople of the first, a chevron, truncated,
+      wavy. I took nine of these myself in the course of a very short time
+      after, and shall be happy, when I come to England, to show them to any
+      gentleman who has a curiosity that way. Through this gorgeous scene our
+      little cavalcade passed, and at last we arrived at the quarters occupied
+      by Holkar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round one of
+      the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and which he occupied
+      during the siege. When I entered the large room where he sat, I found him
+      in the midst of a council of war; his chief generals and viziers seated
+      round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common way with these black
+      fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner, supper, and bedtime.
+      There was such a cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard
+      before you&mdash;another piece of good luck for me&mdash;as it diminished
+      the chances of my detection. When, with the ordinary ceremonies, the
+      kitmatgars and consomahs had explained to the prince that Bobbachy
+      Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the universe (as the ignorant
+      heathens called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar immediately
+      summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on which he was seated
+      in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking off my slippers,
+      falling on my knees, and beating my head against the ground ninety-nine
+      times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and twenty feet through the
+      room, and then up the twenty steps which led to his maidaun&mdash;a silly,
+      painful, and disgusting ceremony, which can only be considered as a relic
+      of barbarian darkness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let
+      alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who goes to India, with the
+      prospect of entering the service of the native rajahs, to recollect my
+      advice and have them WELL-WADDED.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he
+      could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as I have
+      said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived within
+      speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of my
+      mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of
+      questions: &ldquo;How many men are there in the fort?&rdquo; said he; &ldquo;how many women?
+      Is it victualled? Have they ammunition? Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the
+      commander? did you kill him?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of
+      tobacco.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon my
+      honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could perceive
+      anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I
+      told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could with
+      regard to the fort.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sir&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;to answer your last question first&mdash;that dreadful
+      Gujputi I have seen&mdash;and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in
+      height; he can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred at
+      present in the compound, and swears that during the siege he will content
+      himself with only three a week): he has lost in battle his left eye; and
+      what is the consequence? O Ram Gunge&rdquo; (O
+      thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning and-with-beard-as-black-as-night),
+      &ldquo;Goliah Gujputi&mdash;NEVER SLEEPS!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world),&rdquo; said the Prince Vizier,
+      Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee&mdash;&ldquo;it's joking you are;&rdquo;&mdash;and there
+      was a universal buzz through the room at the announcement of this bouncer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu,&rdquo; said I, solemnly, (an
+      oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) &ldquo;I swear that so it is: so
+      at least he told me, and I have good cause to know his power. Gujputi is
+      an enchanter: he is leagued with devils; he is invulnerable. Look,&rdquo; said
+      I, unsheathing my dagger&mdash;and every eye turned instantly towards me&mdash;&ldquo;thrice
+      did I stab him with this steel&mdash;in the back, once&mdash;twice right
+      through the heart; but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell
+      Holkar that the steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an injury
+      upon him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this
+      somewhat imprudent message.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah, lily-livered rogue!&rdquo; shouted he out to me, &ldquo;milk-blooded unbeliever!
+      pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy master in thy presence!
+      In the name of the prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade
+      thee! Take that, thou liar of the universe! and that&mdash;and that&mdash;and
+      that!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this old man
+      said, &ldquo;Take that,&rdquo; he flung some article near him at the head of the
+      undaunted Gahagan&mdash;his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly
+      ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred
+      thousand crores of rupees&mdash;finally, his hookah, snake mouthpiece,
+      silver-bell, chillum and all&mdash;which went hissing over my head, and
+      flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand Vizier.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yock muzzee! my nose is off;&rdquo; said the old man, mildly. &ldquo;Will you have my
+      life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!&rdquo; and no other word of complaint
+      escaped his lips.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as the
+      ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar fiercely
+      but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or two of the
+      musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not a
+      single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the unlucky
+      wretches who had been the victims of this fit of rage had been removed,
+      Holkar's good humor somewhat returned, and he allowed me to continue my
+      account of the fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his
+      burst of impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of
+      impoliteness to have done for such accidents happened many times in the
+      day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is well that the Bobbachy has returned,&rdquo; snuffled out the poor Grand
+      Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary means of
+      defence possessed by the garrison. &ldquo;Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for
+      this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we had
+      sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the edge of the sword.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But you have no battering train,&rdquo; said I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to blow
+      the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!&rdquo; said Loll Mahommed, a general
+      of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and contradicted, therefore,
+      every word I said. &ldquo;In the name of Juggernaut, why wait for the heavy
+      artillery? Have we not swords? Have we not hearts? Mashallah! Let cravens
+      stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed!
+      Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah?&rdquo; * and drawing his scimitar, he
+      waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was repeated
+      by many of the other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was carried into
+      the camp, and caught up by the men; the camels began to cry, the horses to
+      prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream, the
+      trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments. I never heard
+      such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little garrison when I
+      heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host!
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * The Major has put the most approved language into the
+     mouths of his Indian characters.  Bismillah, Barikallah, and
+     so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of
+     Eastern conversation.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      There was but one way for it. &ldquo;Sir,&rdquo; said I, addressing Holkar, &ldquo;go out
+      to-night and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has not seen the fort
+      as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what? to fall before the
+      fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate, and then
+      another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan's garrison in the citadel.
+      Who talks of courage? Were I not in your august presence, O star of the
+      faithful, I would crop Loll Mahommed's nose from his face, and wear his
+      ears as an ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here that knows not the
+      difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and Gahagan Khan Guj&mdash;I
+      mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight one, two, three, or twenty of
+      them, at broad-sword, small-sword, single-stick, with fists if you please.
+      By the holy piper, fighting is like mate and dthrink to Ga&mdash;to
+      Bobbachy, I mane&mdash;whoop! come on, you divvle, and I'll bate the skin
+      off your ugly bones.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am agitated, I
+      involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to my own country;
+      which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as to my real
+      character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it was, Holkar
+      perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll Mahommed,
+      however, evidently suspected something, for, as Holkar, with a voice of
+      thunder, shouted out, &ldquo;Tomasha (silence),&rdquo; Loll sprang forward and gasped
+      out&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My lord! my lord I this is not Bob&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      But he could say no more. &ldquo;Gag the slave!&rdquo; screamed out Holkar, stamping
+      with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the poor devil's jaws.
+      &ldquo;Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred dozen on
+      the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry him round
+      the camp, with an inscription before him: 'This is the way that Holkar
+      rewards the talkative.'&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo falling on
+      Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, and thanked my
+      stars that I was delivered of this danger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Vizier,&rdquo; said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, &ldquo;I owe you a
+      reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince, O Saadut Alee Beg
+      Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The good old man's eyes filled with tears. &ldquo;I can bear thy severity, O
+      Prince,&rdquo; said he; &ldquo;I cannot bear thy love. Was it not an honor that your
+      Highness did me just now when you condescended to pass over the bridge of
+      your slave's nose?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The Vizier
+      retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed. Holkar was in high good
+      humor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bobbachy,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, I have news for
+      thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge,&rdquo; (white and red rose,) has
+      arrived in camp.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My WIFE, my lord!&rdquo; said I, aghast.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; I see thou art wild
+      with joy. The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and I know thou
+      longest to join her.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      My wife? Here was a complication truly!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER V.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at the
+      gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the
+      neighborhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before that time
+      and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the present instance
+      such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced when leading a
+      forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, some to
+      ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs,
+      attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the thousand delicacies of
+      Eastern life. I motioned them away. &ldquo;I will wear my armor,&rdquo; said I; &ldquo;I
+      shall go forth to-night; carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve
+      that to-night I have not the time to see her. Spread me a couch here, and
+      bring me supper here: a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed
+      with pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid&mdash;anything.
+      Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when the meal is
+      ready.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and hoped to be
+      able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her curious
+      eyes. After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell me that my
+      supper was prepared in the inner apartment of the tent (I suppose that the
+      reader, if he be possessed of the commonest intelligence, knows that the
+      tents of the Indian grandees are made of the finest Cashmere shawls, and
+      contain a dozen rooms at least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash-windows
+      complete). I entered, I say, into an inner chamber, and there began with
+      my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental fashion, taking, every now
+      and then, a pull from the wine-jar, which was cooling deliciously in
+      another jar of snow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most savory
+      stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle of
+      feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung
+      open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon faces and
+      slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her
+      attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the complexion
+      of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress
+      and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow chalk
+      drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which was further
+      ornamented by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted bright
+      red, and a large dab of the same color on her chin, showed she was not of
+      the Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith&mdash;and of a very high caste; you
+      could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously made up as to my
+      line of action.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they heard the
+      well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death to them to have
+      remained and looked in her face. The females ranged themselves round their
+      mistress, as she squatted down opposite to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And is this,&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;a welcome, O Khan! after six months' absence,
+      for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world? Is this lamb, O
+      glutton! half so tender as thy spouse? Is this wine, O sot! half so sweet
+      as her looks?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I saw the storm was brewing&mdash;her slaves, to whom she turned, kept up
+      a kind of chorus:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, the faithless one!&rdquo; cried they. &ldquo;Oh, the rascal, the false one, who
+      has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the Khanum's!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A lamb is not so sweet as love,&rdquo; said I gravely: &ldquo;but a lamb has a good
+      temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman&mdash;but a wine-cup
+      has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!&rdquo; and again I dipped my nose in the
+      soul-refreshing jar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my repartees;
+      she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed
+      until I lost all patience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Retire, friends,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;and leave me in peace.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Stir, on your peril!&rdquo; cried the Khanum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my pistols,
+      cocked them, and said, &ldquo;O houris! these pistols contain each two balls:
+      the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me&mdash;but for you!&mdash;by
+      all the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment
+      longer in my presence!&rdquo; This was enough; the ladies gave a shriek, and
+      skurried out of the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather Bobbachy's wife,
+      sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which her lord had
+      displayed in her presence. I seized her hand and, gripping it close,
+      whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol:&mdash;&ldquo;O Khanum,
+      listen and scream not; the moment you scream, you die!&rdquo; She was completely
+      beaten: she turned as pale as a woman could in her situation, and said,
+      &ldquo;Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Woman,&rdquo; said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which
+      had covered almost the whole of my face&mdash;&ldquo;I AM NOT THY HUSBAND&mdash;I
+      am the slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my
+      shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I formed
+      one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and I recommend
+      it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next &ldquo;Book of Beauty.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wretch!&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;what wouldst thou?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You black-faced fiend,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;raise but your voice, and you are dead!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And afterwards,&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;do you suppose that YOU can escape? The
+      torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will
+      invent for thee.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tortures, madam?&rdquo; answered I, coolly. &ldquo;Fiddlesticks! You will neither
+      betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the contrary, you will
+      give me your best jewels and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don't grind
+      your teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam : you know this dress and these
+      arms;&mdash;they are the arms of your husband, Bobbachy Bahawder&mdash;MY
+      PRISONER. He now lies in yonder fort, and if I do not return before
+      daylight, at SUNRISE HE DIES: and then, when they send his corpse back to
+      Holkar, what will you, HIS WIDOW, do?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh!&rdquo; said she, shuddering, &ldquo;spare me, spare me!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of dying along
+      with him&mdash;of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death, from which
+      your father cannot save you, to which he will be the first man to condemn
+      and conduct you. Ha! I see we understand each other, and you will give me
+      over the cash-box and jewels.&rdquo; And so saying I threw myself back with the
+      calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her. &ldquo;Light me a
+      pipe, my love,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;and then go and hand me over the dollars; do you
+      hear?&rdquo; You see I had her in my power&mdash;up a tree, as the Americans
+      say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then departed for the
+      goods I spoke about.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take that ride
+      round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards, had
+      occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned from her
+      quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables to the amount of
+      about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards, but have
+      the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about to take my departure,
+      when a tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard at the
+      entrance of the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed
+      Loll Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master restored to
+      good humor, and had communicated to him his firm conviction that I was an
+      impostor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ho, Begum,&rdquo; shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people could not
+      enter the women's apartments), &ldquo;speak, O my daughter! is your husband
+      returned?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Speak, madam,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;or REMEMBER THE ROASTING.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He is, papa,&rdquo; said the Begum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!&rdquo; (the old ruffian was laughing outside)&mdash;&ldquo;are
+      you sure it is?&mdash;Ha! aha!&mdash;HE-E-E!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to pass no
+      more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever seen the face of
+      any other man?&rdquo; And hereat she began to weep as if her heart would break&mdash;the
+      deceitful minx!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury. &ldquo;Oh, you liar and eternal
+      thief!&rdquo; said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could only hear) to
+      Loll Mahommed, &ldquo;to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this!
+      Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade him
+      from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property: and hark ye,
+      furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED DOZEN MORE!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my soul.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the little
+      fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a veil, the
+      other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his form, who
+      carried in his hand a deal box of considerable size. The warrior at the
+      gate gave the word and was admitted, the woman returned slowly to the
+      Indian camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge; his was&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. <a name="link2HCH0009"
+       id="link2HCH0009">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      FAMINE IN THE GARRISON.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my precious
+      box into my own apartment, which communicated with another, where I had
+      left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should recover, and to
+      prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of the guard. I called
+      him, and the fellow came, looking very much confused and frightened, as it
+      seemed, at my appearance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, Ghorumsaug,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;what makes thee look so pale, fellow?&rdquo; (he was
+      as white as a sheet.) &ldquo;It is thy master, dost thou not remember him?&rdquo; The
+      man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's clothes, but was not present
+      when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have described.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!&rdquo; cried the faithful fellow, &ldquo;and do I see
+      my dear master disguised in this way? For heaven's sake let me rid you of
+      this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the ball-room, if
+      the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with his roses turned
+      into coal?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which I
+      write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little vain of my
+      personal appearance, and not very willing to appear before my dear Belinda
+      disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me of the
+      heathenish armor and habiliments which I wore; and having, with a world of
+      scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their black tinge, I
+      put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait on the ladies;
+      hastened, I say,&mdash;although delayed would have been the better word,
+      for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?&rdquo; said I, before leaving my apartment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and
+      myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command) has
+      just been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my exultation
+      in taking it was so great that I could not help informing him of its
+      contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post near the prisoner,
+      while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the fair creatures
+      under my protection. &ldquo;What good after all have I done,&rdquo; thought I to
+      myself, &ldquo;in this expedition which I had so rashly undertaken?&rdquo; I had seen
+      the renowned Holkar, I had been in the heart of his camp; I knew the
+      disposition of his troops, that there were eleven thousand of them, and
+      that he only waited for his guns to make a regular attack on the fort. I
+      had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say ROBBED her, and I don't
+      care what the reader or any other man may think of the act) of a deal box,
+      containing jewels to the amount of three millions sterling, the property
+      of herself and husband.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money and
+      jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat a
+      fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her tea?
+      Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would digest
+      anything&mdash;(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a famine,
+      and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe, as well as
+      the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from either,)&mdash;could
+      I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a dish
+      of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of Croesus before me I
+      felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its weight in carats for a
+      good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, what art thou? What is
+      gold?&mdash;Soft metal. What are diamonds?&mdash;Shining tinsel. The great
+      wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the sole objects worthy of a
+      soldier's consideration, are beefsteaks, gunpowder, and cold iron.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own
+      apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with a
+      candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery (4
+      long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for
+      grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assaye), and muskets for
+      ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the reader in a previous
+      number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon; add to these my
+      guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights, powder,
+      pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely for a dance, and
+      found themselves in for a siege). Such were our numbers:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Ladies                       74
+     Troops and artillerymen      40
+     Other non-combatants         11
+     MAJOR-GEN. O'G. GAHAGAN    1000
+                                &mdash;&mdash;
+                               1,125
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the
+      army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an
+      ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths; as
+      combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort, against
+      Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      IF!&mdash;ay, there was the rub&mdash;IF we had SHOT, as well as powder
+      for our guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT. Of the former commodity we
+      had only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honor,
+      to feed 126 souls, we had but
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
+     Of soda-water, four ditto.
+     Two bottles of fine Spanish olives.
+     Raspberry cream&mdash;the remainder of two dishes.
+     Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle.
+     Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
+     Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust
+     of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins.
+     Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles
+     of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple
+     of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after supper had
+      seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried off from the
+      table; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on my
+      return, taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and treasure
+      what little sustenance still remained in it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not
+      only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom, which was of
+      the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you never behold such a
+      sight as that which presented itself: eighty-three men and women in
+      ball-dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming over
+      their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged rouge,
+      blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins&mdash;each more desperately
+      melancholy and hideous than the other&mdash;each, except my beloved
+      Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl, could of
+      course never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it
+      may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous arms,
+      dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and therefore, as I need
+      not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder had come off. Joy (deft
+      link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes as I entered. As if I had
+      been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses mantled in her cheek!
+      Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened their fire upon me, and stunned
+      me with cross-questions, regarding my adventures in the camp&mdash;SHE, as
+      she saw me, gave a faint scream, (the sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled
+      through the throat of a woman!) then started up&mdash;then made as if she
+      would sit down&mdash;then moved backwards&mdash;then tottered forwards&mdash;then
+      tumbled into my&mdash;Psha! why recall, why attempt to describe that
+      delicious&mdash;that passionate greeting of two young hearts? What was the
+      surrounding crowd to US? What cared we for the sneers of the men, the
+      titters of the jealous women, the shrill &ldquo;Upon my word!&rdquo; of the elder Miss
+      Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda's mamma? The brave girl
+      loved me, and wept in my arms. &ldquo;Goliah! my Goliah!&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;my brave,
+      my beautiful, THOU art returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh! who
+      can tell the anguish of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night!&rdquo;
+       Other similar ejaculations of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD
+      perilled life in her service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there
+      was none, so exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all
+      else in this overwhelming joy!
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      [The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very most
+      not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been
+      compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole passage, though
+      highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the
+      reader.]
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were
+      giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round with
+      a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can sometimes put
+      on, I shouted out, &ldquo;Hark ye men and women&mdash;I am this lady's truest
+      knight&mdash;her husband I hope one day to be. I am commander, too, in
+      this fort&mdash;the enemy is without it; another word of mockery&mdash;another
+      glance of scorn&mdash;and, by heaven, I will hurl every man and woman from
+      the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar!&rdquo; This quieted them. I am
+      a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from
+      that moment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish. Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy
+      (whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who has
+      been in India) cried, &ldquo;Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so
+      pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the
+      ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast.&rdquo; And Mrs. Van giggled as
+      if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. &ldquo;Oh! breakfast,
+      breakfast by all means,&rdquo; said the rest; &ldquo;we really are dying for a warm
+      cup of tea.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies?&rdquo; says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like,&rdquo; said fat Mrs. Van.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?&rdquo; Of course they said it
+      was the very thing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And do you like hot rowls or cowld&mdash;muffins or crumpets&mdash;fresh
+      butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant
+      divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys, and
+      a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow,&rdquo; answered they all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But stop,&rdquo; says I. &ldquo;O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, that you
+      should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been
+      without&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What?&rdquo; said they, in a breath.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole
+      house.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, well, we can do without it.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Or a single pound of coffee.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Never mind; let that pass too.&rdquo; (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning to
+      look alarmed.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And about the kidneys&mdash;now I remember, the black divvles outside the
+      fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys
+      without them?&rdquo; (Here there was a slight o&mdash;o&mdash;o!)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the cows
+      are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or love:
+      but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just as
+      good.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh! just as good.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had&mdash;no,
+      nor a fresh chicken,&rdquo; continued I, &ldquo;nor a stale one either; nor a
+      tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste in
+      life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In the name of heaven!&rdquo; said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, &ldquo;what is there,
+      then?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now,&rdquo; shouted I.
+      &ldquo;There's
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer,&rdquo; &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the
+      ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Law! Mr. Gahagan,&rdquo; said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, &ldquo;give me the
+      ham-sandwiches&mdash;I must manage to breakfast off them.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest
+      proposition! Of course I did not accede to it&mdash;why should I? I was
+      the commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very
+      sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. &ldquo;Ladies,&rdquo; said I,
+      &ldquo;there are in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this is all
+      the food which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none&mdash;of
+      drink there is a tolerable quantity; and at one o'clock punctually, a
+      glass of wine and one olive shall be served out to each woman: the men
+      will receive two glasses, and an olive and a fig&mdash;and this must be
+      your food during the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three
+      days; and if he be&mdash;why, still there is a chance&mdash;why do I say a
+      chance?&mdash;a CERTAINTY of escaping from the hands of these ruffians.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!&rdquo; screeched the whole covey at
+      a breath.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It lies,&rdquo; answered I, &ldquo;in the POWDER MAGAZINE. I will blow this fort, and
+      all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of Holkar.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in Holkar's
+      camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear Belinda whispered
+      in my ear, &ldquo;Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my heart's
+      Goliah!&rdquo; I felt I was right: I could have blown her up twenty times for
+      the luxury of that single moment! &ldquo;And now, ladies,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;I must leave
+      you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer professional
+      consolation&mdash;the other gentlemen will follow me up stairs to the
+      ramparts, where I shall find plenty of work for them.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ESCAPE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey, and
+      they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded to review
+      my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in command of Lieutenant
+      Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may be seen in an
+      early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair of honor); and the prisoner
+      Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing to kill him, had
+      been left in charge of that officer. Three of the garrison (one of them a
+      man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body-servant, Ghorumsaug above
+      named,) were appointed to watch the captive by turns, and never leave him
+      out of their sight. The lieutenant was instructed to look to them and to
+      their prisoner, and as Bobbachy was severely injured by the blow which I
+      had given him, and was, moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly
+      with cords, I considered myself sure of his person.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little force,
+      and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not surprise me, as
+      I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but desirous to speak with
+      the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him, and ordered him to appear
+      immediately.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered some
+      information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten to the
+      apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The men had fled;&mdash;Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my
+      astonishment when I found&mdash;with a rope cutting his naturally wide
+      mouth almost into his ears&mdash;with a dreadful sabre-cut across his
+      forehead&mdash;with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied between
+      his legs&mdash;my unhappy, my attached friend&mdash;Mortimer
+      Macgillicuddy!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He had been in this position for about three hours&mdash;it was the very
+      position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed&mdash;an
+      attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape
+      impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured half a
+      bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his mouth, and
+      when he had been released, he informed me of the circumstances that had
+      taken place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fool that I was! idiot!&mdash;upon my return to the fort, to have been
+      anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple of hours
+      in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and complexion,
+      instead of going to examine my prisoner&mdash;when his escape would have
+      been prevented. O foppery, foppery!&mdash;it was that cursed love of
+      personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty to my general, my
+      country, my monarch, and my own honor!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus it was that the escape took place:&mdash;My own fellow of the
+      Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the operation to my
+      satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and
+      removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken from the back of the
+      prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?&mdash;Why, he
+      carried back the dress to the Bobbachy&mdash;he put it, once more, on its
+      right owner; he and his infernal black companions (who had been won over
+      by the Bobbachy with promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy,
+      who was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to
+      the outer gate, and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself,
+      who had first come in, and was as likely to go out again,&mdash;(indeed my
+      rascally valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him and
+      his two companions to reconnoitre,)&mdash;opened the gates, and off they
+      went!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!&mdash;and for
+      the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE ROUNDS;&mdash;he
+      HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this cruel way. The
+      three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been on the point of
+      escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I had changed the guard at the
+      gate (whom they had won over likewise); and yet, although they had
+      overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for the start, they had
+      positively no means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough to
+      put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice besotted fool that I was, to
+      think of my own silly person when I should have been occupied solely with
+      my public duty.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from the
+      effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him, and from my
+      own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. A sudden and
+      painful thought struck me&mdash;my precious box!&mdash;I rushed back, I
+      found that box&mdash;I have it still. Opening it, there, where I had left
+      ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, strings of diamonds as
+      big as ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda, countless
+      strings of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes&mdash;I
+      found&mdash;a piece of paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language,
+      which are thus, word for word, translated:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                         &ldquo;EPIGRAM.
+
+             &ldquo;(On disappointing a certain Major.)
+
+          &ldquo;The conquering Lion return'd with his prey,
+           And safe in his cavern he set it,
+           The sly little fox stole the booty away;
+           And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
+           'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. I
+      stamped,&mdash;I swore,&mdash;I don't know to what insane lengths my rage
+      might have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in,
+      screaming, &ldquo;The enemy, the enemy!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE CAPTIVE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving my
+      sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I at once
+      frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that
+      flamingo-plume floating in the breeze&mdash;that awful figure standing in
+      the breach&mdash;that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky&mdash;well, I
+      say, they knew the name of the humble individual who owned the sword, the
+      plume, and the figure. The ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry
+      behind. The flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines,
+      violoncellos, and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a
+      strange, barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white
+      dromedaries, were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing
+      hosts the orders of Holkar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does on a
+      rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the Burrumpooter river,
+      two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide, so that I
+      had no fear about them attacking me in THAT quarter. My guns, therefore
+      (with their six-and-thirty miserable charges of shot) were dragged round
+      to the point at which I conceived Holkar would be most likely to attack
+      me. I was in a situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times
+      as I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a cannon; so the
+      attacking party marched and marched, very strongly, about a mile and a
+      half off, the elephants marching without receiving the slightest damage
+      from us, until they had come to within four hundred yards of our walls
+      (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, through the betrayal of
+      the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never would have ventured so near). At
+      that distance&mdash;it was about the spot where the Futtyghur hill began
+      gradually to rise&mdash;the invading force stopped; the elephants drew up
+      in a line, at right angles with our wall (the fools! they thought they
+      should expose themselves too much by taking a position parallel to it);
+      the cavalry halted too, and&mdash;after the deuce's own flourish of
+      trumpets and banging of gongs, to be sure,&mdash;somebody, in a
+      flame-colored satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree
+      (that looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet),
+      got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a
+      speech.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable precision,
+      about three hundred of them. The following little diagram will explain
+      matters:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                                       __G
+                                      |
+           ....................       |
+                    E                 |
+                                      |
+                                      |
+                                      | F
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in the
+      fort. NOW the reader will see what I did.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro gracefully
+      before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun G
+      (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself; bang!
+      it went, and what was the consequence? Why, this:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                    X
+           ____________________       |__G
+           ....................       |
+                    E                 |
+                                      |
+                                      |
+                                      | F
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the elephants, as we
+      have previously seen them. What then is X? X IS THE LINE TAKEN BY THE BALL
+      FIRED FROM G, which took off ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR elephants'
+      trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that stood
+      the hundred and thirty-fifth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun was
+      never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, and
+      contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal? An ass
+      would have done it, prided himself had he hit his mark, and what would
+      have been the consequence? Why, that the ball might have killed two
+      elephants and wounded a third; but here, probably, it would have stopped,
+      and done no further mischief. The TRUNK was the place at which to aim;
+      there are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the bullet,
+      shearing, as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five probosces.
+      Heavens! what a howl there was when the shot took effect! What a sudden
+      stoppage of Holkar's speech! What a hideous snorting of elephants! What a
+      rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some demon was pursuing
+      them!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, rushing
+      forward myself, I shouted to my men, &ldquo;My friends, yonder lies your
+      dinner!&rdquo; We flung open the gates&mdash;we tore down to the spot where the
+      elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that escaped
+      to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their trunks
+      behind them. A great quantity of them we seized; and I myself, cutting up
+      with my scimitar a couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher would a
+      calf, motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort, where
+      barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of the miserable
+      allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had promised to my
+      female friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved for the ladies
+      was a young white one&mdash;the fattest and tenderest I ever ate, in my
+      life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber flavor,
+      which, until one is accustomed to it, is unpalatable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence on the
+      works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had forced their way
+      into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the garrison larder,
+      with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine, which were
+      locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a sentinel. Disgusting
+      Mrs. Van! When I heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat HER.
+      However, we made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks, and
+      when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing that there was enough
+      for one meal more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force,
+      attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my good
+      sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and the
+      rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy
+      sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when
+      another attack was made, what were we to do? We had still a little powder
+      left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron-bars, &amp;c. in the
+      garrison! On this day, too, we devoured the last morsel of our food: I
+      shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw her
+      sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the little white
+      elephant's roasted tail.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are never
+      at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I discovered charges
+      sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but had
+      bores of about blunderbuss size.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader may
+      remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. The poor
+      wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and came
+      on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindustan jargon. Behind
+      him came troops of matchlock-men, who picked off every one of our men who
+      showed their noses above the ramparts: and a great host of blackamoors
+      with scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions,
+      culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other appurtenances of
+      offensive war.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On they came: my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask how my
+      pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were without food, I
+      knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the two
+      guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into each swivel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They advanced,&mdash;whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,&mdash;bang!
+      went the other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first contact
+      with an opposing body, they certainly floored it but they became at once
+      like so much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they
+      struck down.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine Imaums!)&rdquo;
+       shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the failure of my
+      shot. &ldquo;Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has no more ammunition. A
+      hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who brings me Gahagan's head!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      His men set up a shout, and rushed forward&mdash;he, to do him justice,
+      was at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and poking them
+      with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the hill: I was black
+      with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair.
+      &ldquo;Macgillicuddy,&rdquo; said I, calling that faithful officer, &ldquo;you know where
+      the barrels of powder are?&rdquo; He did. &ldquo;You know the use to make of them?&rdquo; He
+      did. He grasped my hand. &ldquo;Goliah,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;farewell! I swear that the
+      fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried it. Oh,
+      my poor mother!&rdquo; added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet fearless, he
+      retired to his post.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then, stepping
+      into the front, took down one of the swivels;&mdash;a shower of matchlock
+      balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, and his
+      men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. Loll was straight
+      before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I fired&mdash;bang! ! !
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives were
+      lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. The wretch,
+      uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back
+      dead; the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran&mdash;the
+      whole host ran as one man: their screams might be heard for leagues.
+      &ldquo;Tomasha, tomasha,&rdquo; they cried, &ldquo;it is enchantment!&rdquo; Away they fled, and
+      the victory a third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back
+      to my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot
+      hunger in the thought of once more beholding HER!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, and
+      almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which caused in her
+      bosom an emotion so strong&mdash;it was hunger! &ldquo;Oh! my Goliah,&rdquo; whispered
+      she, &ldquo;for three days I have not tasted food&mdash;I could not eat that
+      horrid elephant yesterday; but now&mdash;oh! heaven! . . . .&rdquo; She could
+      say no more, but sank almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered to
+      her a trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a moment, and then
+      rushed down stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, she
+      should still have something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered
+      that three or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been
+      killed by us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought I,
+      has no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get
+      something better.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part, assembled.
+      &ldquo;Men,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;our larder is empty; we must fill it as we did the day
+      before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a foraging party?&rdquo; I expected
+      that, as on former occasions, every man would offer to accompany me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To my astonishment, not a soul moved&mdash;a murmur arose among the
+      troops; and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Captain,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants for
+      ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the fort when
+      the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now as then, and
+      we won't go elephant-hunting any more.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ruffian!&rdquo; I said, &ldquo;he who first talks of surrender, dies!&rdquo; and I cut him
+      down. &ldquo;Is there any one else who wishes to speak?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      No one stirred.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Cowards! miserable cowards!&rdquo; shouted I; &ldquo;what, you dare not move for fear
+      of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled before your
+      arms&mdash;what, do I say YOUR arms?&mdash;before MINE!&mdash;alone I did
+      it; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress! Ho!
+      open the gate!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the elephants
+      that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had fallen, about
+      four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very
+      steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the animals, choosing a
+      tolerably small and plump one, of about thirteen feet high, which the
+      vultures had respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and made
+      for the fort.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I marched up the acclivity, whiz&mdash;piff&mdash;whir! came the balls
+      over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the body of
+      the elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and
+      quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse: they came nearer,
+      nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort&mdash;seventy&mdash;fifty!
+      I strained every nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion&mdash;I ran&mdash;could
+      a man run very fast with such a tremendous weight on his shoulders?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my tail.
+      O heaven! five yards more&mdash;one moment&mdash;and I am saved! It is
+      done&mdash;I strain the last strain&mdash;I make the last step&mdash;I
+      fling forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me
+      and it, and&mdash;I fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE
+      OUTSIDE! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes&mdash;fifty
+      black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, &ldquo;Stop!&mdash;kill him
+      not, it is Gujputi!&rdquo; A film came over my eyes&mdash;exhausted nature would
+      bear no more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found myself in a
+      bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor
+      (whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an
+      air of sagacity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where am I?&rdquo; I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange faces,
+      and the strange apartment which met my view. &ldquo;Bekhusm!&rdquo; said the
+      apothecary. &ldquo;Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of those who know his
+      valor, and will save his life.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Know my valor, slave? Of course you do,&rdquo; said I; &ldquo;but the fort&mdash;the
+      garrison&mdash;the elephant&mdash;Belinda, my love&mdash;my darling&mdash;Macgillicuddy&mdash;the
+      scoundrelly mutineers&mdash;the deal bo&mdash; . . . .&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily upon my
+      poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. I fainted
+      again, and I know not how long I lay insensible.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied restoratives,
+      and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much refreshed. I had no wound;
+      my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they might) by my
+      gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a
+      mile in length. Walking, the task is bad enough: but running, it is the
+      deuce; and I would recommend any of my readers who may be disposed to try
+      and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace of more
+      than five miles an hour.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door (plainly
+      indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single old gentleman,
+      richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I had surely
+      seen him before. No&mdash;yes&mdash;no&mdash;yes&mdash;it WAS he: the
+      snowy white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, and level
+      with the rest of the venerable face, proclaimed him at once to be&mdash;Saadut
+      Alee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime vizier; whose nose, as the reader may
+      recollect, his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my interview
+      with him in the Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too well&mdash;I
+      was in the hands of Holkar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a mild air
+      of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he was torn to
+      pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference with
+      Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said, &ldquo;Life and
+      death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceitful, valor is unavailing,
+      fame is only wind&mdash;the nightingale sings of the rose all night&mdash;where
+      is the rose in the morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by a frost. The
+      rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is that delightful
+      song-bird? Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, and roasted! Who
+      knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan Gujputi!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is well,&rdquo; said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. &ldquo;Gahagan Gujputi
+      will bear it like a man.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No doubt&mdash;like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so
+      long to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which there
+      comes not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry spring-time&mdash;grief
+      is often succeeded by joy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Interpret, O riddler!&rdquo; said I; &ldquo;Gahagan Khan is no reader of puzzles&mdash;no
+      prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I know it.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I dare say.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your fingers,
+      and your eyes from your head.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Very possibly.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They will flay you alive, and then burn you.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well; they can't do any more.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,&rdquo;&mdash;it was
+      not then taken!&mdash;&ldquo;and repeat upon them the same tortures.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha! Belinda! Speak&mdash;how can all this be avoided?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He does, Vizier, to distraction.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A captain.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A miserable captain&mdash;oh shame! Of what creed is he?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I am an Irishman, and a Catholic.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Alas, no.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Tis too true.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me to
+      thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife&mdash;your second wife,
+      that is;&mdash;the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves
+      you to madness;&mdash;with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have
+      the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to
+      get rid. You shall be second in command of his Highness's forces. Look,
+      here is his commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the
+      sacred names of the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce your
+      religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it was
+      beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years, but a
+      rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth, and washed off
+      every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and said, &ldquo;This is a tempting
+      offer. O Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to give him
+      an answer. My mind, however, was made up&mdash;as soon as he was gone, I
+      threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were with
+      him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I did
+      not recognize. It was about midnight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Have you considered?&rdquo; said the Vizier as he came to my couch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have,&rdquo; said I, sitting up,&mdash;I could not stand, for my legs were
+      tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. &ldquo;I have,&rdquo; said
+      I, &ldquo;unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert a Christian
+      gentleman from his faith and honor? Ruffian blackamoors! do your worst;
+      heap tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear me to pieces:
+      after you have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall not feel
+      it; and if I did, if each torture could last a life, if each limb were to
+      feel the agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear all&mdash;all&mdash;all&mdash;all&mdash;all&mdash;ALL!&rdquo;
+       My breast heaved&mdash;my form dilated&mdash;my eye flashed as I spoke
+      these words. &ldquo;Tyrants!&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.&rdquo;
+       Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down his
+      cheeks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What a constancy,&rdquo; said he. &ldquo;Oh, that such beauty and such bravery should
+      be doomed so soon to quit the earth!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      His tall companion only sneered and said, &ldquo;AND BELINDA&mdash;?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha!&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;ruffian, be still!&mdash;heaven will protect her spotless
+      innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too! Who, with his
+      single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain
+      thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants? Three
+      hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of these I slew one hundred
+      and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates
+      thee, spurns thee, spits on thee!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of rage,
+      and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once (it was the
+      very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward, and
+      seizing his arm, cried&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Papa! oh, save him!&rdquo; It was Puttee Rooge! &ldquo;Remember,&rdquo; continued she, &ldquo;his
+      misfortunes&mdash;remember, oh, remember my&mdash;love!&rdquo;&mdash;and here
+      she blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging down her
+      head, looked the very picture of modest affection.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, &ldquo;'Tis better as it is;
+      had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. None of this shameless
+      fooling, Puttee Rooge,&rdquo; continued the tyrant, dragging her away. &ldquo;Captain
+      Gahagan dies three hours from hence.&rdquo; Puttee Rooge gave one scream and
+      fainted&mdash;her father and the Vizier carried her off between them; nor
+      was I loth to part with her, for, with all her love, she was as ugly as
+      the deuce.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They were gone&mdash;my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of
+      life: so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As
+      it may happen to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and to be
+      hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan of
+      going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found to be
+      successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal of
+      unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man the coming
+      catastrophe.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance in the
+      heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to conduct me to
+      the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the very white
+      donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the camp after he was
+      bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to his rank and
+      state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all sides; my ass was conducted
+      by the common executioner: a crier went forward, shouting out, &ldquo;Make way
+      for the destroyer of the faithful&mdash;he goes to bear the punishment of
+      his crimes.&rdquo; We came to the fatal plain: it was the very spot whence I had
+      borne away the elephant, and in full sight of the fort. I looked towards
+      it. Thank heaven! King George's banner waved on it still&mdash;a crowd
+      were gathered on the walls&mdash;the men, the dastards who had deserted me&mdash;and
+      women, too. Among the latter I thought I distinguished ONE who&mdash;O
+      gods! the thought turned me sick&mdash;I trembled and looked pale for the
+      first time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He trembles! he turns pale,&rdquo; shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously
+      exulting over his conquered enemy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dog!&rdquo; shouted I&mdash;(I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail,
+      and so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)&mdash;&ldquo;not so pale as you
+      looked when I felled you with this arm&mdash;not so pale as your women
+      looked when I entered your harem!&rdquo; Completely chop-fallen, the Indian
+      ruffian was silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet thick and
+      eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake, about seven feet
+      from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two fetters; in
+      these my wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood near, with
+      strange-looking instruments: others were blowing at a fire, over which was
+      a caldron, and in the embers were stuck other prongs and instruments of
+      iron.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in effect as
+      that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the Grand Vizier. I
+      confess I was too agitated to catch every word that was spoken.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The Grand
+      Vizier came up to me&mdash;it was his duty to stand by, and see the
+      punishment performed. &ldquo;It is yet time!&rdquo; said he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I nodded my head, but did not answer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a
+      voice choking with emotion, said, &ldquo;EXECUTIONER&mdash;DO&mdash;YOUR&mdash;DUTY!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The horrid man advanced&mdash;he whispered sulkily in the ears of the
+      Grand Vizier, &ldquo;Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;the oil does not
+      boil yet&mdash;wait one minute.&rdquo; The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the
+      oil was heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside: taking a large ladle
+      full of the boiling liquid, he advanced&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Whish! bang, bang! pop!&rdquo; the executioner was dead at my feet, shot
+      through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face of
+      the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. &ldquo;Whish! bang!
+      pop! Hurrah!&mdash;charge!&mdash;forwards!&mdash;cut them down!&mdash;no
+      quarter!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I saw&mdash;yes, no, yes, no, yes!&mdash;I saw regiment upon regiment of
+      galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives.
+      First of the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On
+      came the gallant line of black steeds and horsemen, swift, swift before
+      them rode my officers in yellow&mdash;Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle;
+      their sabres gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air. &ldquo;D&mdash;-
+      them!&rdquo; they cried, &ldquo;give it them, boys!&rdquo; A strength supernatural thrilled
+      through my veins at that delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I
+      wrested the post from its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not
+      release my hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam
+      tightly, I sprung forward&mdash;with one blow I levelled the five
+      executioners in the midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding
+      oil-can; with the next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off
+      their legs; with the third, I caught that chief himself in the small of
+      the back, and sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick leading
+      on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had swept far away.
+      We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes
+      afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found me sitting
+      on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Look at Gahagan,&rdquo; said his lordship. &ldquo;Gentlemen, did I not tell you we
+      should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF
+      FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of November,
+      1804.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in the
+      Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:&mdash;&ldquo;Married, on the 25th
+      of December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady
+      Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Abmednuggar, to Belinda, second
+      daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the
+      Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride; and after a splendid dejeune, the
+      happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus must
+      recollect, however, that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side. The
+      Irregulars are nothing without their leader.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Such was the paragraph&mdash;such the event&mdash;the happiest in the
+      existence of
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. <a name="link2H_4_0025"
+       id="link2H_4_0025">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER I.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that bathes
+      its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as now, by a few
+      rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers, and funguses, and
+      creeping ivy. No, no! where the ivy now clusters there grew strong
+      portcullis and bars of steel; where the wallflower now quivers in the
+      rampart there were silken banners embroidered with wonderful heraldry;
+      men-at-arms marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a
+      hideous black champignon; and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant
+      me there were ladies and knights to revel in the great halls, and to
+      feast, and to dance, and to make love there. They are passed away:&mdash;those
+      old knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to silver, and
+      then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their elegant legs,
+      so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and gouty, and then, from
+      being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to bare bone-shanks; the roses left
+      their cheeks, and then their cheeks disappeared, and left their skulls,
+      and then their skulls powdered into dust, and all sign of them was gone.
+      And as it was with them, so shall it be with us. Ho, seneschal! fill me a
+      cup of liquor! put sugar in it, good fellow&mdash;yea, and a little hot
+      water; a very little, for my soul is sad, as I think of those days and
+      knights of old.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?&mdash;gone?&mdash;nay,
+      not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of them as they
+      walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining faintly in their coats
+      of steel, wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long-tailed
+      gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them
+      still in the far-off Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions as
+      they hasten to battle or tourney&mdash;and the dim echoes of their lutes
+      chanting of love and fair ladies! Gracious privilege of poesy! It is as
+      the Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures that
+      to the sight of donkeys are invisible. Blessed treasures of fancy! I would
+      not change ye&mdash;no, not for many donkey-loads of gold. . . . Fill
+      again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me up the produce on the
+      hostel door&mdash;surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the wondrous
+      liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and princesses look blandly
+      down on us from the cloudy perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what year
+      the fairies left the Rhine?&mdash;long before Murray's &ldquo;Guide-Book&rdquo; was
+      wrote&mdash;long before squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came
+      paddling down the stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the
+      appearance of eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne as
+      a wonder? Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied by
+      their ladies'-maids. But of them we will say no more&mdash;let us back to
+      those who went before them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when
+      chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon the banks
+      of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, and hence must be
+      positively true. 'Tis a story of knights and ladies&mdash;of love and
+      battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes and noble lords, moreover:
+      the best of company. Gentles, an ye will, ye shall hear it. Fair dames and
+      damsels, may your loves be as happy as those of the heroine of this
+      romaunt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in the
+      year previously indicated, such travellers as might have chanced to be
+      abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer
+      journeying on the road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not tall
+      in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and Time, which had
+      browned and furrowed his cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray, declared
+      pretty clearly that He must have been acquainted with the warrior for some
+      fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a powerful and active
+      battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had come that day was long
+      and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his armor and luggage, with
+      seeming ease. As it was in a friend's country, the knight did not think
+      fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet, which hung at his saddlebow
+      over his portmanteau. Both were marked with the coronet of a count; and
+      from the crown which surmounted the helmet, rose the crest of his knightly
+      race, an arm proper lifting a naked sword.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior's grasp, hung his
+      mangonel or mace&mdash;a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains of
+      many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest there fell
+      the triangular shield of the period, whereon were emblazoned his arms&mdash;argent,
+      a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second: the latter device was
+      awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, by the Emperor Maximilian,
+      and a reference to the German Peerage of that day, or a knowledge of high
+      families which every gentleman then possessed, would have sufficed to show
+      at once that the rider we have described was of the noble house of
+      Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir Ludwig of Hombourg: his
+      rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor of Austria, was marked by
+      the cap of maintenance with the peacock's feather which he wore (when not
+      armed for battle), and his princely blood was denoted by the oiled silk
+      umbrella which he carried (a very meet protection against the pitiless
+      storm), and which, as it is known, in the middle ages, none but princes
+      were justified in using. A bag, fastened with a brazen padlock, and made
+      of the costly produce of the Persian looms (then extremely rare in
+      Europe), told that he had travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, was
+      evident from the inscription writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the
+      bag. It first ran &ldquo;Count Ludwig de Hombourg, Jerusalem;&rdquo; but the name of
+      the Holy City had been dashed out with the pen, and that of &ldquo;Godesberg&rdquo;
+       substituted. So far indeed had the cavalier travelled!&mdash;and it is
+      needless to state that the bag in question contained such remaining
+      articles of the toilet as the high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place
+      in his valise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!&rdquo; said the good knight, shivering,
+      &ldquo;'tis colder here than at Damascus! Marry, I am so hungry I could eat one
+      of Saladin's camels. Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner?&rdquo; And
+      taking out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his
+      embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by finding that it was
+      but seven of the night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the warder
+      had sounded the second gong.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which could trot
+      at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to this famous
+      castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome signal which told
+      that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, were about
+      to prepare for their usual repast at eight o'clock. Crowds of pages and
+      horse-keepers were in the court, when, the portcullis being raised, and
+      amidst the respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most ancient friend of
+      the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard. The under-butler
+      stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. &ldquo;Welcome, Sir Count, from the
+      Holy Land!&rdquo; exclaimed the faithful old man. &ldquo;Welcome, Sir Count, from the
+      Holy Land!&rdquo; cried the rest of the servants in the hall. A stable was
+      speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst, and it was not before
+      the gallant soldier had seen that true animal well cared for, that he
+      entered the castle itself, and was conducted to his chamber. Wax-candles
+      burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china vases, every variety of
+      soap, and a flask of the precious essence manufactured at the neighboring
+      city of Cologne, were displayed on his toilet-table; a cheering fire
+      &ldquo;crackled on the hearth,&rdquo; and showed that the good knight's coming had
+      been looked and cared for. The serving-maidens, bringing him hot water for
+      his ablutions, smiling asked, &ldquo;Would he have his couch warmed at eve?&rdquo; One
+      might have been sure from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an
+      arch reply. The family tonsor came to know whether the noble Count had
+      need of his skill. &ldquo;By Saint Bugo,&rdquo; said the knight, as seated in an easy
+      settle by the fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and
+      lightly passed the tongs and pomatum through &ldquo;the sable silver&rdquo; of his
+      hair,&mdash;&ldquo;By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand Cairo.
+      How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady countess, his mother;
+      and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother-in-arms?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They are well,&rdquo; said the tonsor, with a sigh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Bugo, I'm glad on't; but why that sigh?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Things are not as they have been with my good lord,&rdquo; answered the
+      hairdresser, &ldquo;ever since Count Gottfried's arrival.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He here!&rdquo; roared Sir Ludwig. &ldquo;Good never came where Gottfried was!&rdquo; and
+      the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed admirably the
+      proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the
+      spotless vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa, which was
+      the fitting costume for &ldquo;knight in ladye's bower,&rdquo; the knight entered into
+      a conversation with the barber, who explained to him, with the usual
+      garrulousness of his tribe, what was the present position of the noble
+      family of Godesberg.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This will be narrated in the next chapter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER II.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE GODESBERGERS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      'Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg found
+      in the bosom of his friend's family a cordial welcome. The brother-in-arms
+      of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the Margravine, the
+      exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and (albeit no theologian, and
+      although the first princes of Christendom coveted such an honor,) he was
+      selected to stand as sponsor for the Margrave's son Otto, the only child
+      of his house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been united:
+      and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more than one child,
+      it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and that surely never
+      lighted on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Ludwig,
+      hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved godchild, he had left
+      him a boy; he now found him, as the latter rushed into his arms, grown to
+      be one of the finest young men in Germany: tall and excessively graceful
+      in proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his cheek, that was
+      likewise adorned with the first down of manhood, and with magnificent
+      golden ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling over his brow and
+      his shoulders. His eyes alternately beamed with the fire of daring, or
+      melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well might a mother be proud
+      of such a boy. Well might the brave Ludwig exclaim, as he clasped the
+      youth to his breast, &ldquo;By St. Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit
+      to be one of Coeur de Lion's grenadiers!&rdquo; and it was the fact: the
+      &ldquo;Childe&rdquo; of Godesberg measured six feet three.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple attire of
+      the nobleman of the period&mdash;and his costume a good deal resembled
+      that of the old knight whose toilet we have just described; with the
+      difference of color, however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of
+      Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of carved and
+      embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leggings, were of the stuff of
+      Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard argosies at an immense price from
+      China. The neighboring country of Holland had supplied his wrists and
+      bosom with the most costly laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat
+      placed on one side of his head, ornamented with a single flower, (that
+      brilliant one, the tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather's
+      dressing-room, and warned him that the banquet was ready.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady
+      Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation; for
+      she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid fish now
+      smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for herself, but for her
+      lord's sake. &ldquo;Godesberg,&rdquo; whispered she to Count Ludwig, as trembling on
+      his arm they descended from the drawing-room, &ldquo;Godesberg is sadly changed
+      of late.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By St. Bugo!&rdquo; said the burly knight, starting, &ldquo;these are the very words
+      the barber spake.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen. For
+      some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much occupied in
+      ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves' head of which the
+      delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay, marry,
+      and in eating them, too,) to look at his brother-in-arms at the bottom of
+      the table, where he sat with his son on his left hand, and the Baron
+      Gottfried on his right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Margrave was INDEED changed. &ldquo;By St. Bugo,&rdquo; whispered Ludwig to the
+      Countess, &ldquo;your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been wounded o'
+      the head.&rdquo; Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The
+      soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig remarked that the
+      Margrave sent all away untasted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg,&rdquo; said the Margrave
+      gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to drink! how
+      different was this from the old times!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to hand round
+      the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party, and to fill young
+      Otto's goblet, (which the latter held up with the eagerness of youth,) the
+      Margrave's rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son; he dashed the
+      wine-cup over his spotless vest: and giving him three or four heavy blows
+      which would have knocked down a bonassus, but only caused the young Childe
+      to blush: &ldquo;YOU take wine!&rdquo; roared out the Margrave; &ldquo;YOU dare to help
+      yourself! Who time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help yourself?&rdquo; and the
+      terrible blows were reiterated over the delicate ears of the boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ludwig! Ludwig!&rdquo; shrieked the Margravine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hold your prate, madam,&rdquo; roared the Prince. &ldquo;By St. Buffo, mayn't a
+      father beat his own child?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HIS OWN CHILD!&rdquo; repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a shriek of
+      indescribable agony. &ldquo;Ah, what did I say?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the Margrave's
+      right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much agitated by the
+      recent conflict to wear any expression but that of extreme discomfiture;
+      but the poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red almost as
+      the lobster which flanked the turbot before her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In those rude old times, 'tis known such table quarrels were by no means
+      unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen the Margrave
+      cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or empty a sauce-boat in
+      the direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one of the usual
+      outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend, and wisely determined to
+      change the converse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How is my friend,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Buffo, this is too much!&rdquo; screamed the Margrave, and actually
+      rushed from time room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Bugo,&rdquo; said his friend, &ldquo;gallant knights, gentle sirs, what ails
+      my good Lord Margave?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Perhaps his nose bleeds,&rdquo; said Gottfried, with a sneer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah, my kind friend,&rdquo; said the Margravine with uncontrollable emotion, &ldquo;I
+      fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into the fire.&rdquo; And
+      making the signal of departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to
+      coffee in the drawing-room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected than he
+      had been. &ldquo;Otto,&rdquo; he said sternly, &ldquo;go join the ladies: it becomes not a
+      young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights after dinner.&rdquo; The
+      noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room, and the
+      Margrave, taking his lady's place at the head of the table, whispered to
+      Sir Ludwig, &ldquo;Hildebrandt will be here to-night to an evening-party, given
+      in honor of your return from Palestine. My good friend&mdash;my true
+      friend&mdash;my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see
+      that the fiddlers be not drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready.&rdquo;
+       Sir Gottfried, obsequiously taking his patron's hint, bowed and left the
+      room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig,&rdquo; said the Margrave, with a
+      heart-rending look. &ldquo;You marked Gottfried, who left the room anon?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I did.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee, Ludwig, that
+      yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend. Why should he not
+      be! He is my near relation, heir to my property: should I&rdquo; (here the
+      Margrave's countenance assumed its former expression of excruciating
+      agony),&mdash;&ldquo;SHOULD I HAVE NO SON.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But I never saw the boy in better health,&rdquo; replied Sir Ludwig.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nevertheless,&mdash;ha! ha!&mdash;it may chance that I shall soon have no
+      son.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir Ludwig
+      thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather deeply. He
+      proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern soldier of those
+      days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the punch-bowl: and many a
+      rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria with lion-hearted Richard;
+      with his coadjutor, Godfrey of Bouillon; nay, with the dauntless Saladin
+      himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You knew Gottfried in Palestine?&rdquo; asked the Margrave.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I did.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with the warm
+      grasp of friendship? It is not because Sir Gottfried is poor? You know
+      well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my early friend!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I care not for his race nor for his poverty,&rdquo; replied the blunt crusader.
+      &ldquo;What says the Minnesinger? 'Marry, that the rank is but the stamp of the
+      guinea; the man is the gold.' And I tell thee, Karl of Godesberg, that
+      yonder Gottfried is base metal.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow was known i' the camp
+      of the crusaders&mdash;disreputably known. Ere he joined us in Palestine,
+      he had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He
+      is a cogger of dice, I tell thee&mdash;a chanter of horseflesh. He won
+      five thousand marks from bluff Richard of England the night before the
+      storming of Ascalon, and I caught him with false trumps in his pocket. He
+      warranted a bay mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had fired
+      her.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?&rdquo; cried Sir Karl, knitting his
+      brows. &ldquo;Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other but
+      Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to chine.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir
+      Gottfried's body&mdash;not on thine, old brother-in-arms. And to do the
+      knave justice, he is a good lance. Holy Bugo! but he did good service at
+      Acre! But his character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was
+      dismissed the army; nor even allowed to sell his captain's commission.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have heard of it,&rdquo; said the Margrave; &ldquo;Gottfried hath told me of it.
+      'Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup&mdash;a mere silly jape,
+      believe me. Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board.
+      Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black bottle at the
+      county's head. Hence his dismission and abrupt return. But you know not,&rdquo;
+       continued the Margrave, with a heavy sigh, &ldquo;of what use that worthy
+      Gottfried has been to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Not YET,&rdquo; answered Hombourg, satirically.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable traitor!&mdash;a
+      nest of traitors. Hildebranndt is a traitor&mdash;Otto is a traitor&mdash;and
+      Theodora (O heaven!) she&mdash;she is ANOTHER.&rdquo; The old Prince burst into
+      tears at the word, and was almost choked with emotion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What means this passion, dear friend?&rdquo; cried Sir Ludwig, seriously
+      alarmed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark Hildebrandt
+      and OTTO together. Like, like I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints, that
+      I should be born to suffer this!&mdash;to have all my affections wrenched
+      out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age! But, hark! the guests
+      are arriving. An ye will not empty another flask of claret, let us join
+      the ladyes i' the withdrawing chamber. When there, mark HILDEBRANDT AND
+      OTTO!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER III.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE FESTIVAL.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      The festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, or in their caroches,
+      knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in the grand saloon
+      of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to receive them. Servitors,
+      in rich liveries, (they were attired in doublets of the sky-blue
+      broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit&mdash;the
+      colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore about various refreshments on
+      trays of silver&mdash;cakes, baked in the oven, and swimming in melted
+      butter; manchets of bread, smeared with the same delicious condiment, and
+      carved so thin that you might have expected them to take wing and fly to
+      the ceiling; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his excursion
+      into Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce, circulated amidst
+      the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the guests. The
+      Margrave's gloom was unheeded by them&mdash;how little indeed is the
+      smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts of those
+      who bid them to the feast! The Margravine was pale; but woman knows how to
+      deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous to her friends, and
+      laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and talked, though the talk was
+      loathsome to her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The two are together,&rdquo; said the Margrave, clutching his friend's
+      shoulder. &ldquo;NOW LOOK!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were Sir
+      Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance. Two eggs
+      were not more like! The reason of the Margrave's horrid suspicion at once
+      flashed across his friend's mind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Tis clear as the staff of a pike,&rdquo; said the poor Margrave, mournfully.
+      &ldquo;Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a game at cribbage!&rdquo;
+       and retiring to the Margravine's boudoir, the two warriors sat down to the
+      game.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But though 'tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won, yet he
+      could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was his mind by the
+      dreadful secret which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play, the
+      obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his patron's ear, which
+      threw the latter into such a fury, that apoplexy was apprehended by the
+      two lookers-on. But the Margrave mastered his emotion. &ldquo;AT WHAT TIME, did
+      you say?&rdquo; said he to Gottfried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At daybreak, at the outer gate.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will be there.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;AND SO WILL I TOO,&rdquo; thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of Hombourg.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE FLIGHT.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future, and think
+      he can bend stern fate to his will! Alas, we are but creatures in its
+      hands! How many a slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup! How often,
+      though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon, do we find
+      ourselves dashed to earth; and then we are fain to say the grapes are
+      sour, because we cannot attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in
+      consequence of our own fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE
+      OUTER GATE at daybreak.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night's potations had been
+      heavy, the day's journey had been long and rough. The knight slept as a
+      soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity, and who wakes not till he
+      hears the blast of the reveille.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Margrave. He had been
+      there for hours watching his slumbering comrade. Watching?&mdash;no, not
+      watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably bitter&mdash;over
+      feelings inexpressibly wretched.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What's o'clock?&rdquo; was the first natural exclamation of the Hombourger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I believe it is five o'clock,&rdquo; said his friend. It was ten. It might have
+      been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six, the Margrave
+      would still have said, &ldquo;I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK.&rdquo; The wretched take
+      no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions, indeed, for THEM.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Is breakfast over?&rdquo; inquired the crusader.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ask the butler,&rdquo; said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly, rolling his
+      eyes wildly, smiling wildly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gracious Bugo!&rdquo; said the Knight of Hombourg, &ldquo;what has ailed thee, my
+      friend? It is ten o'clock by my horologe. Your regular hour is nine. You
+      are not&mdash;no, by heavens! you are not shaved! You wear the tights and
+      silken hose of last evening's banquet. Your collar is all rumpled&mdash;'tis
+      that of yesterday. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED! What has chanced, brother of
+      mine: what has chanced?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A common chance, Louis of Hombourg,&rdquo; said the Margrave: &ldquo;one that chances
+      every day. A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart. THIS has
+      chanced. I have not been to bed.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What mean ye?&rdquo; cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. &ldquo;A false friend? I am
+      not a false friend. A false woman? Surely the lovely Theodora, your wife&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had occurred.
+      Gottfried's information was but too correct. There was a CAUSE for the
+      likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt and
+      Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen them.
+      They walked long together; they embraced. Ah! how the husband's, the
+      father's, feelings were harrowed at that embrace! They parted; and then
+      the Margrave, coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she was to
+      retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should be sent
+      too, to take the vows at a monastery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and guarded by a
+      company of his father's men-at-arms, was on the river going towards
+      Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under
+      the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to the
+      convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have seen&mdash;the
+      beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the bright waters of the Rhine!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What road did Gottfried take?&rdquo; asked the Knight of Hombourg, grinding his
+      teeth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You cannot overtake him,&rdquo; said the Margrave. &ldquo;My good Gottfried, he is my
+      only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir. He will be back
+      anon.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Will he so?&rdquo; thought Sir Ludwig. &ldquo;I will ask him a few questions ere he
+      return.&rdquo; And springing from his couch, he began forthwith to put on his
+      usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a hasty ablution,
+      donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He rang the
+      bell violently.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A cup of coffee, straight,&rdquo; said he, to the servitor who answered the
+      summons; &ldquo;bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper, and the groom
+      saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought; the refreshments
+      disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing steed were heard in the
+      court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice of his friend, and sat,
+      plunged in silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER V.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE TRAITOR'S DOOM.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts from the
+      hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green plain below. Who has
+      not seen that lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not loved it? A
+      thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around in peaceful
+      luxuriance; the mighty Rhine floats by it in silver magnificence, and on
+      the opposite bank rise the seven mountains robed in majestic purple, the
+      monarchs of the royal scene.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has mentioned
+      that &ldquo;peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that offer cake and
+      wine,&rdquo; are perpetually crowding round the traveller in this delicious
+      district, and proffering to him their rustic presents. This was no doubt
+      the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his elegant poems&mdash;in
+      the happy ancient days! when maidens were as yet generous, and men kindly!
+      Now the degenerate peasantry of the district are much more inclined to ask
+      than to give, and their blue eyes seem to have disappeared with their
+      generosity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story occurred, 'tis
+      probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was greeted upon his path
+      by this fascinating peasantry; though we know not how he accepted their
+      welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green country until he came
+      to Rolandseck, whence he could command the Island of Nonnenwerth (that
+      lies in the Rhine opposite that place), and all who went to it or passed
+      from it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging above the
+      Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous cactuses and
+      silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day may perceive a rude
+      broken image of a saint: that image represented the venerable Saint Buffo
+      of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and Sir Ludwig, kneeling on the
+      greensward, and reciting a censer, an ave, and a couple of acolytes before
+      it, felt encouraged to think that the deed he meditated was about to be
+      performed under the very eyes of his friend's sanctified patron. His
+      devotion done (and the knight of those days was as pious as he was brave),
+      Sir Ludwig, the gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud voice:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?&rdquo; exclaimed a voice
+      from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of geranium and
+      magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient, and majestic head&mdash;'twas
+      that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo's solitary. A silver beard hanging
+      to his knees gave his person an appearance of great respectability; his
+      body was robed in simple brown serge, and girt with a knotted cord: his
+      ancient feet were only defended from the prickles and stones by the rudest
+      sandals, and his bald and polished head was bare.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Holy hermit,&rdquo; said the knight, in a grave voice, &ldquo;make ready thy
+      ministry, for there is some one about to die.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where, son?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Here, father.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Is he here, now?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Perhaps,&rdquo; said the stout warrior, crossing himself; &ldquo;but not so if right
+      prevail.&rdquo; At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat putting off from
+      Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by the sinople
+      reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was Sir Gottfried
+      of Godesberg.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Be ready, father,&rdquo; said the good knight, pointing towards the advancing
+      boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the reverend hermit,
+      without a further word, he vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for a
+      few score of paces; when he wheeled round, and remained steady. His great
+      lance and pennon rose in the air. His armor glistened in the sun; the
+      chest and head of his battle-horse were similarly covered with steel. As
+      Sir Gottfried, likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had been left at
+      the ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started at the figure
+      before him&mdash;a glistening tower of steel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?&rdquo; said Sir Gottfried,
+      haughtily, &ldquo;or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your
+      lady-love?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against all comers. I
+      hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a traitor.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass,&rdquo; said Gottfried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. Liar and traitor!
+      art thou coward, too?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Holy Saint Buffo! 'tis a fight!&rdquo; exclaimed the old hermit (who, too, had
+      been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war-horse that hears
+      the trumpet's sound, and spite of his clerical profession, he prepared to
+      look on at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and sat down on the
+      overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and affecting unconcern,
+      but in reality most deeply interested in the event which was about to
+      ensue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as the word &ldquo;coward&rdquo; had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his
+      opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here, had
+      wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha! Beauseant!&rdquo; cried he. &ldquo;Allah humdillah!&rdquo; 'Twas the battle-cry in
+      Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers. &ldquo;Look to thyself, Sir
+      Knight, and for mercy from heaven! I will give thee none.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!&rdquo; exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that, too,
+      was the well-known war-cry of his princely race.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will give the signal,&rdquo; said the old hermit, waving his pipe. &ldquo;Knights,
+      are you ready? One, two, three. LOS!&rdquo; (let go.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds; the two
+      knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel, rapidly converged;
+      the two lances met upon the two shields of either, and shivered,
+      splintered, shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which whirled
+      through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the trees, or in
+      the river. The two horses fell back trembling on their haunches, where
+      they remained for half a minute or so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!&rdquo; said the old hermit. &ldquo;Marry, but a splinter
+      wellnigh took off my nose!&rdquo; The honest hermit waved his pipe in delight,
+      not perceiving that one of the splinters had carried off the head of it,
+      and rendered his favorite amusement impossible. &ldquo;Ha! they are to it again!
+      O my! how they go to with their great swords! Well stricken, gray! Well
+      parried, piebald! Ha, that was a slicer! Go it, piebald! go it, gray!&mdash;go
+      it, gray! go it, pie&mdash;Peccavi! peccavi!&rdquo; said the old man, here
+      suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on his knees. &ldquo;I forgot I was
+      a man of peace.&rdquo; And the next moment, muttering a hasty matin, he sprung
+      down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of the combatants.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his strength and
+      skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the Hombourger, with RIGHT
+      on his side. He was bleeding at every point of his armor: he had been run
+      through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, delivered with
+      tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown of his helmet of Damascus
+      steel, and passing through the cerebellum and sensorium, had split his
+      nose almost in twain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His mouth foaming&mdash;his face almost green&mdash;his eyes full of blood&mdash;his
+      brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth knocked out,&mdash;the
+      discomfited warrior presented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling under the
+      effects of the last tremendous blow which the Knight of Hombourg dealt,
+      Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his piebald charger; the
+      frightened animal whisked his tail wildly with a shriek and a snort,
+      plunged out his hind legs, trampling for one moment upon the feet of the
+      prostrate Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek with agony, and then
+      galloped away riderless.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Away! ay, away!&mdash;away amid the green vineyards and golden cornfields;
+      away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the eagles in their
+      eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the flashing cataracts
+      tumble; away through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves are
+      howling away over the dreary wolds, where the wild wind walks alone; away
+      through the plashing quagmires, where the will-o'-the-wisp slunk
+      frightened among the reeds; away through light and darkness, storm and
+      sunshine; away by tower and town, high-road and hamlet. Once a
+      turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike,
+      and cleared it at a bound. Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way: he
+      charged the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the
+      roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on! Brave
+      horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby! On went the horse, over
+      mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped until he
+      reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to put
+      him up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE CONFESSION.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual. Having
+      examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the old hermit (a
+      skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the vanquished one and said, &ldquo;Sir
+      Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are in an
+      exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not probably survive.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Say you so, Sir Priest? then 'tis time I make my confession. Hearken you,
+      Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his horse up
+      to a tree), lifted his visor and said, &ldquo;Gottfried of Godesberg! I am the
+      friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined; I
+      am the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou hast
+      belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou
+      wouldst have appropriated. Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and
+      overcame thee, and have wellnigh finished thee. Speak on.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have done all this,&rdquo; said the dying man, &ldquo;and here, in my last hour,
+      repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the youthful Otto the
+      true son of his father&mdash;Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his
+      UNCLE.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gracious Buffo!&rdquo; &ldquo;Celestial Bugo!&rdquo; here said the hermit and the Knight of
+      Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon. Hence he
+      could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady Theodora's
+      spotless purity (though the young people had been brought up together)
+      could never be brought to own the relationship.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;May I repeat your confession?&rdquo; asked the hermit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the Margrave,
+      and pray him give me pardon. Were there&mdash;a notary-public present,&rdquo;
+       slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing over his eyes,
+      &ldquo;I would ask&mdash;you&mdash;two&mdash;gentlemen to witness it. I would
+      gladly&mdash;sign the deposition&mdash;that is, if I could
+      wr-wr-wr-wr-ite!&rdquo; A faint shuddering smile&mdash;a quiver, a gasp, a
+      gurgle&mdash;the blood gushed from his mouth in black volumes . . . .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He will never sin more,&rdquo; said the hermit, solemnly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;May heaven assoilzie him!&rdquo; said Sir Ludwig. &ldquo;Hermit, he was a gallant
+      knight. He died with harness on his back and with truth on his lips:
+      Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . .&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of Godesberg were
+      rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot into the court-yard of
+      the castle, with a companion on the crupper of his saddle. 'Twas the
+      venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater celerity, had
+      adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose appearance and little dumpy
+      legs might well create hilarity among the &ldquo;pampered menials&rdquo; who are
+      always found lounging about the houses of the great. He skipped off the
+      saddle with considerable lightness however; and Sir Ludwig, taking the
+      reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering servitors into awe, bade
+      one of them lead him to the presence of his Highness the Margrave.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What has chanced?&rdquo; said the inquisitive servitor. &ldquo;The riderless horse of
+      Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon. The Margrave's
+      Grace has never quitted your lordship's chamber, and sits as one
+      distraught.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!&rdquo; And so saying, the Knight and his
+      Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where, according to the
+      servitor's description, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man's hands, the hermit seized
+      the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with a prolixity
+      which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the events which we
+      have already described. Let the dear reader fancy, while his Reverence
+      speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave gradually lighting up with
+      attention; the flush of joy which mantles in his countenance&mdash;the
+      start&mdash;the throb&mdash;the almost delirious outburst of hysteric
+      exultation with which, when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the
+      two messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost
+      choked the aged recluse! &ldquo;Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine&mdash;say
+      I have wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back&mdash;that
+      I forgive her&mdash;that I apologize if you will&rdquo;&mdash;and a secretary
+      forthwith despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a
+      fleet messenger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him send
+      me back my boy, my darling, my Otto&mdash;my Otto of roses!&rdquo; said the fond
+      father, making the first play upon words he had ever attempted in his
+      life. But what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling at
+      the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messenger was despatched
+      on another horse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And now,&rdquo; said Sir Ludwig, playfully, &ldquo;let us to lunch. Holy hermit, are
+      you for a snack?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the three
+      gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which the remains of
+      the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said, ample means.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They will be home by dinner-time,&rdquo; said the exulting father. &ldquo;Ludwig!
+      reverend hermit! we will carry on till then.&rdquo; And the cup passed gayly
+      round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the three happy friends
+      sat confidentially awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former chapter,
+      that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is often many a spill?
+      that our hopes are high, and often, too often, vain? About three hours
+      after the departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with an
+      exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the Margrave a billet to
+      the following effect:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;CONVENT OF NONNENWERTH, Friday Afternoon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;SIR&mdash;I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed to
+      bear it no more. I will no longer be made the butt of your ribald satire,
+      and the object of your coarse abuse. Last week you threatened me with your
+      cane! On Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which hit the
+      butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This morning, in the
+      presence of all the servants, you called me by the most vile, abominable
+      name, which heaven forbid I should repeat! You dismissed me from your
+      house under a false accusation. You sent me to this odious convent to be
+      immured for life. Be it so! I will not come back, because, forsooth; you
+      relent. Anything is better than a residence with a wicked, coarse,
+      violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself. I remain here for ever
+      and blush to be obliged to sign myself
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;THEODORA VON GODESBERG.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;P.S.&mdash;I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels,
+      and wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your house in
+      order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear
+      out. T. V. G.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE SENTENCE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at all
+      times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages, struck dismay
+      into the heart of the Margrave.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Are her ladyship's insinuations correct?&rdquo; asked the hermit, in a severe
+      tone. &ldquo;To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say a justifiable
+      practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both to the liquor and to
+      her.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But she sent a carving-knife at me first,&rdquo; said the heartbroken husband.
+      &ldquo;O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen to thy green and
+      yellow tongue?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely,&rdquo; whispered Sir
+      Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture upon family
+      discord and marital authority, which would have sent his two hearers to
+      sleep, but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the Margrave had
+      despatched to Cologne for his son. This herald wore a still longer face
+      than that of his comrade who preceded him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where is my darling?&rdquo; roared the agonized parent. &ldquo;Have ye brought him
+      with ye?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;N&mdash;no,&rdquo; said the man, hesitating.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will flog the knave soundly when he comes,&rdquo; cried the father, vainly
+      endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his inward emotion
+      and tenderness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Please, your Highness,&rdquo; said the messenger, making a desperate effort,
+      &ldquo;Count Otto is not at the convent.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Know ye, knave, where he is?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The swain solemnly said, &ldquo;I do. He is THERE.&rdquo; He pointed as he spake to
+      the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted up by the
+      magnificent hues of sunset.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;THERE! How mean ye THERE?&rdquo; gasped the Margrave, wrought to a pitch of
+      nervous fury.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct him to
+      the convent, he&mdash;he jumped suddenly from it, and is dr&mdash;dr&mdash;owned.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Carry that knave out and hang him!&rdquo; said the Margrave, with a calmness
+      more dreadful than any outburst of rage. &ldquo;Let every man of the boat's crew
+      be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the tower&mdash;except the
+      coxswain, and let him be&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that moment,
+      and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down lifeless on the floor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers we dare
+      venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found) that the cause
+      of the Margrave's fainting-fit, described in the last chapter, was a
+      groundless apprehension on the part of that too solicitous and credulous
+      nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No, young Otto was NOT
+      drowned. Was ever hero of romantic story done to death so early in the
+      tale? Young Otto was NOT drowned. Had such been the case, the Lord
+      Margrave would infallibly have died at the close of the last chapter; and
+      a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted how the lovely Lady
+      Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir Ludwig determined, upon
+      the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon the shock of hearing the
+      news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and assume the robe, the beard,
+      the mortifications of the late venerable and solitary ecclesiastic. Otto
+      was NOT drowned, and all those personages of our history are consequently
+      alive and well.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The boat containing the amazed young Count&mdash;for he knew not the cause
+      of his father's anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust sentence
+      which the Margrave had uttered&mdash;had not rowed many miles, when the
+      gallant boy rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and
+      determined not to be a slave in any convent of any order: determined to
+      make a desperate effort for escape. At a moment when the men were pulling
+      hard against the tide, and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to
+      steer the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands which are
+      frequently met with in the majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave a
+      sudden spring from the boat, and with one single flounce was in the
+      boiling, frothing, swirling eddy of the stream.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young lord! All
+      loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but as they did not
+      know how to swim, of course they declined to make any useless plunges in
+      search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder and grief. ONCE, his
+      fair head and golden ringlets were seen to arise from the water; TWICE,
+      puffing and panting, it appeared for an instant again; THRICE, it rose but
+      for one single moment: it was the last chance, and it sunk, sunk, sunk.
+      Knowing the reception they would meet with from their liege lord, the men
+      naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but putting in at the first creek
+      on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke of Nassau's territory; where, as
+      they have little to do with our tale, we will leave them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto. He had
+      disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED. He calculated that
+      his conductors would consider him drowned, and the desire of liberty
+      lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in this instance,) the
+      gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his head for a single
+      moment between Godesberg and Cologne&mdash;the distance being twenty-five
+      or thirty miles.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the river,
+      repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he had had an
+      accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the moisture of his
+      habiliments, and while these were drying before a fire in his chamber,
+      went snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the strange
+      events of the day. &ldquo;This morning,&rdquo; thought he, &ldquo;a noble, and heir to a
+      princely estate&mdash;this evening an outcast, with but a few bank-notes
+      which my mamma luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry into
+      life is this for a young man of my family! Well, I have courage and
+      resolution: my first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful
+      one; other dangers will be conquered by similar bravery.&rdquo; And recommending
+      himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the care of their
+      patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy fell presently into
+      such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the innocent, and the
+      extremely fatigued can enjoy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued after
+      swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto to sleep so
+      profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday's sunset, as a
+      natural consequence, Saturday's Phoebus illumined the world, ay, and sunk
+      at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of the hostel, peeping in,
+      marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a pretty youth, tripped lightly
+      from the chamber; the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call him (as
+      boots will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore, turned on his
+      side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption. In a word, the youth
+      slept for six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the Sunday sun was
+      shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne were clinking and
+      tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and burgheresses of the town
+      were trooping to vespers and morning service when Otto awoke.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the astonished boy
+      could not at first account for his difficulty in putting them on. &ldquo;Marry,&rdquo;
+       said he, &ldquo;these breeches that my blessed mother&rdquo; (tears filled his fine
+      eyes as he thought of her)&mdash;&ldquo;that my blessed mother had made long on
+      purpose, are now ten inches too short for me. Whir-r-r! my coat cracks i'
+      the back, as in vain I try to buckle it round me; and the sleeves reach no
+      farther than my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I grown fat and tall in a
+      single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily. He bethought him of the
+      reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from being five-and-twenty
+      miles under water.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not say was
+      to purchase new ones. Inquiring the way to the most genteel
+      ready-made-clothes' establishment in the city of Cologne, and finding it
+      was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated Moses
+      of London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium; but you may be
+      sure did not neglect to perform his religious duties by the way. Entering
+      the cathedral, he made straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo, and hiding
+      himself behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognized by the
+      archbishop, or any of his father's numerous friends in Cologne), he
+      proceeded with his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles of
+      the age.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could not
+      refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he remarked with
+      surprise that the whole church was filled with archers; and he remembered,
+      too, that he had seen in the streets numerous other bands of men similarly
+      attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch the cause of this
+      assemblage, one of the green ones said (in a jape), &ldquo;Marry, youngster, YOU
+      must be GREEN, not to know that we are all bound to the castle of his
+      Grace Duke Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery meeting once a year, and
+      prizes for which we toxophilites muster strong.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately settled
+      what to do. He straightway repaired to the ready-made emporium of Herr
+      Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with an archer's complete
+      dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock, which fitted
+      the youth to a T, and we need not say was sold at an exceedingly moderate
+      price. So attired (and bidding Herr Moses a cordial farewell), young Otto
+      was a gorgeous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to gaze on. A coat and
+      breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented with a profusion of
+      brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite tightness, showed off a
+      figure unrivalled for slim symmetry. His feet were covered with peaked
+      buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his slender waist, of the same
+      material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe and pouch, and his long shining
+      dirk; which, though the adventurous youth had as yet only employed it to
+      fashion wicket-bails, or to cut bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready
+      to use against the enemy. His personal attractions were enhanced by a neat
+      white hat, flung carelessly and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling
+      countenance; and his lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets,
+      fell over his shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far as
+      the waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a lovely Colnerinn
+      looked after the handsome Childe with anxiety, and dreamed that night of
+      Cupid under the guise of &ldquo;a bonny boy in green.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      So accoutred, the youth's next thought was, that he must supply himself
+      with a bow. This he speedily purchased at the most fashionable bowyer's,
+      and of the best material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink
+      ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beautifully painted and
+      embroidered, was slung across his back, with a dozen of the finest arrows,
+      tipped with steel of Damascus, formed of the branches of the famous
+      Upas-tree of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan. These
+      purchases being completed (together with that of a knapsack,
+      dressing-case, change, &amp;c.), our young adventurer asked where was the
+      hostel at which the archers were wont to assemble? and being informed that
+      it was at the sign of the &ldquo;Golden Stag,&rdquo; hied him to that house of
+      entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer, he
+      speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a company of
+      his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the coffee-room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing them,
+      &ldquo;When go ye forth, gentles? I am a stranger here, bound as you to the
+      archery meeting of Duke Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your company
+      'twill gladden me upon my lonely way?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The archers replied, &ldquo;You seem so young and jolly, and you spend your gold
+      so very like a gentleman, that we'll receive you in our band with
+      pleasure. Be ready, for we start at half-past two!&rdquo; At that hour
+      accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a
+      little increased his popularity among them by stepping out and having a
+      conference with the landlord, which caused the latter to come into the
+      room where the archers were assembled previous to departure, and to say,
+      &ldquo;Gentlemen, the bill is settled!&rdquo;&mdash;words never ungrateful to an
+      archer yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and telling
+      of a thousand feats of love and chase and war. While thus engaged, some
+      one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the regular uniform,
+      having no feathers in his hat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I dare say I will find a feather,&rdquo; said the lad, smiling.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then another gibed because his bow was new.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang,&rdquo; said the
+      undisturbed youth. His answers, his bearing, his generosity, his beauty,
+      and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends with interest and
+      curiosity, and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow
+      corresponded with their secret sympathies for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present itself soon&mdash;as
+      indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as young Otto was. Fate
+      seems to watch over such: events occur to them just in the nick of time;
+      they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of devouring them; they
+      manage to be present at court and interesting ceremonies, and to see the
+      most interesting people at the most interesting moment; directly an
+      adventure is necessary for them, that adventure occurs: and I, for my
+      part, have often wondered with delight (and never could penetrate the
+      mystery of the subject) at the way in which that humblest of romance
+      heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants anything in the Pantomime, straightway
+      finds it to his hand. How is it that,&mdash;suppose he wishes to dress
+      himself up like a woman for instance, that minute a coalheaver walks in
+      with a shovel-hat that answers for a bonnet; at the very next instant a
+      butcher's lad passing with a string of sausages and a bundle of bladders
+      unconsciously helps Master Clown to a necklace and a tournure, and so on
+      through the whole toilet? Depend upon it there is something we do not wot
+      of in that mysterious overcoming of circumstances by great individuals:
+      that apt and wondrous conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for my
+      part, when I heard the above remark of one of the archers, that Otto had
+      never a feather in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron would spring up in
+      the next sentence to supply him with an aigrette.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the archers
+      were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling his crest,
+      placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes against the wind,
+      rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Shoot, Otto,&rdquo; said one of the archers. &ldquo;You would not shoot just now at a
+      crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it was a noble
+      bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the third
+      best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Shoot, Otto,&rdquo; said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the young
+      archer: &ldquo;the bird is getting further and further.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just cut.
+      Max, the second best archer, shot and missed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then,&rdquo; said Wolfgang, &ldquo;I must try myself: a plague on you, young
+      springald, you have lost a noble chance!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird. &ldquo;It is
+      out of distance,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;and a murrain on the bird!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having carved
+      a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig down and said
+      carelessly, &ldquo;Out of distance! Pshaw! We have two minutes yet,&rdquo; and fell to
+      asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the which none of the archers
+      listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in air, watching the
+      retreating bird.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where shall I hit him?&rdquo; said Otto.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Go to,&rdquo; said Rudolf, &ldquo;thou canst see no limb of him: he is no bigger than
+      a flea.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Here goes for his right eye!&rdquo; said Otto; and stepping forward in the
+      English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine, had taught
+      him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good aim, allowing for
+      the wind and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whiz! his arrow went
+      off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf at the
+      other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the while.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their noses
+      in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular to the
+      horizontal position, and said, &ldquo;Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The arrow's
+      lost; let's go!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HEADS!&rdquo; cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen rapidly descending from
+      the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a partridge,
+      then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent heron to the
+      ground, flooring poor Max in its fall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang,&rdquo; said Otto, without looking at
+      the bird: &ldquo;wipe it and put it back into my quiver.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the pupil.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Are you in league with Der Freischutz?&rdquo; said Rudolf, quite amazed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto laughingly whistled the &ldquo;Huntsman's Chorus,&rdquo; and said, &ldquo;No, my
+      friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot. I was taught shooting,
+      look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the archers are archers
+      indeed.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And so he cut off the heron's wing for a plume for his hat; and the
+      archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, &ldquo;What a wonderful country that
+      merry England must be!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Far from feeling any envy at their comrade's success, the jolly archers
+      recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and Rudolf
+      especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought the honor of
+      his friendship. They continued their walk all day, and when night fell
+      made choice of a good hostel you may be sure, where over beer, punch,
+      champagne, and every luxury, they drank to the health of the Duke of
+      Cleves, and indeed each other's healths all round. Next day they resumed
+      their march, and continued it without interruption, except to take in a
+      supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on these occasions
+      that Otto, young as he was, could eat four times as much as the oldest
+      archer present, and drink to correspond); and these continued refreshments
+      having given them more than ordinary strength, they determined on making
+      rather a long march of it, and did not halt till after nightfall at the
+      gates of the little town of Windeck.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What was to be done? the town-gates were shut. &ldquo;Is there no hostel, no
+      castle where we can sleep?&rdquo; asked Otto of the sentinel at the gate. &ldquo;I am
+      so hungry that in lack of better food I think I could eat my grandmamma.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and said,
+      &ldquo;You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;&rdquo; adding with a
+      peculiarly knowing look, &ldquo;Nobody will disturb you there.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a hill hard
+      by a castle indeed&mdash;but the skeleton of a castle. The roof was gone,
+      the windows were dismantled, the towers were tumbling, and the cold
+      moonlight pierced it through and through. One end of the building was,
+      however, still covered in, and stood looking still more frowning, vast,
+      and gloomy, even than the other part of the edifice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There is a lodging, certainly,&rdquo; said Otto to the sentinel, who pointed
+      towards the castle with his bartizan; &ldquo;but tell me, good fellow, what are
+      we to do for a supper?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you,&rdquo; said the man-at-arms
+      with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the archers, taking
+      counsel among themselves, debated whether or not they should take up their
+      quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there,&rdquo; said young Otto.
+      &ldquo;Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant fellows, and I
+      have heard the garrison is not more than three hundred.&rdquo; But the rest of
+      the party thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap one,
+      and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep ignobly and without
+      victuals, than dare the assault with Otto, and die, or conquer something
+      comfortable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One and all then made their way towards the castle. They entered its vast
+      and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled before them with
+      hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and passing by a multiplicity of
+      mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety corridors, at last came to
+      an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as it was, appeared to be in
+      rather better condition than the neighboring chambers, and they therefore
+      selected it as their place of rest for the night. They then tossed up
+      which should mount guard. The first two hours of watch fell to Otto, who
+      was to be succeeded by his young though humble friend Wolfgang; and,
+      accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg, drawing his dirk, began to pace upon
+      his weary round; while his comrades, by various gradations of snoring,
+      told how profoundly they slept, spite of their lack of supper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      'Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as he
+      performed his two hours' watch; what gushing memories poured into his full
+      soul; what &ldquo;sweet and bitter&rdquo; recollections of home inspired his throbbing
+      heart; and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him up. &ldquo;Youth is ever
+      confident,&rdquo; says the bard. Happy, happy season! The moonlit hours passed
+      by on silver wings, the twinkling stars looked friendly down upon him.
+      Confiding in their youthful sentinel, sound slept the valorous
+      toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back again, marched on the
+      noble Childe. At length his repeater told him, much to his satisfaction,
+      that it was half-past eleven, the hour when his watch was to cease; and
+      so, giving a playful kick to the slumbering Wolfgang, that good-humored
+      fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing his sword, proceeded to
+      relieve Otto.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The latter laid him down for warmth's sake on the very spot which his
+      comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep. Realities and visions
+      then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew which was which. He
+      dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start; then he went off again;
+      then woke up again. In one of these half-sleeping moments he thought he
+      saw a figure, as of a woman in white, gliding into the room, and beckoning
+      Wolfgang from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At that moment
+      twelve o'clock clanged from the town, and Otto started up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE LADY OF WINDECK.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer, pacing
+      on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure. He did not know
+      whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to him. Her blue,
+      clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of faultless beauty;
+      her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue, ere yet the sculptor's
+      love had given it life. A smile played upon her features, but it was no
+      warmer than the reflection of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet it was
+      wondrous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of young Wolfgang.
+      He stared at the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and distended jaws. She
+      looked at him with ineffable archness. She lifted one beautifully rounded
+      alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon him towards her. Did
+      Wolfgang&mdash;the young and lusty Wolfgang&mdash;follow? Ask the iron
+      whether it follows the magnet?&mdash;ask the pointer whether it pursues
+      the partridge through the stubble?&mdash;ask the youth whether the
+      lollipop-shop does not attract him? Wolfgang DID follow. An antique door
+      opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they saw quite plain;
+      they passed through the innumerable ancient chambers, and yet they did not
+      wake any of the owls and bats roosting there. We know not through how many
+      apartments the young couple passed; but at last they came to one where a
+      feast was prepared: and on an antique table, covered with massive silver,
+      covers were laid for two. The lady took her place at one end of the table,
+      and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to the other seat. He took it.
+      The table was small, and their knees met. He felt as cold in his legs as
+      if he were kneeling against an ice-well.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gallant archer,&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;you must be hungry after your day's march.
+      What supper will you have? Shall it be a delicate lobster-salad? or a dish
+      of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar's-head and truffles? or a
+      Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a beefsteak and shallot? or a couple
+      of rognons a la brochette? Speak, brave bowyer: you have but to order.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish, Wolfgang
+      thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of delicacies to
+      him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try her with something
+      extremely rare.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Fair princess,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;I should like very much a pork-chop and some
+      mashed potatoes.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never served,
+      with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at least six
+      portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the cover on
+      the dish again, and watched him eating with interest. He was for some time
+      too much occupied with his own food to remark that his companion did not
+      eat a morsel; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone; the shining
+      silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with his knife, and, heaving a
+      great sigh, he confessed a humble desire for something to drink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Call for what you like, sweet sir,&rdquo; said the lady, lifting up a silver
+      filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with gold.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then,&rdquo; said Master Wolfgang&mdash;for the fellow's tastes were, in sooth,
+      very humble&mdash;&ldquo;I call for half-and-half.&rdquo; According to his wish, a
+      pint of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle, foaming, into
+      his beaker.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his conscience it
+      was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young man felt his appetite
+      renewed; and it is impossible to say how many different dishes he called
+      for. Only enchantment, he was afterwards heard to declare (though none of
+      his friends believed him), could have given him the appetite he possessed
+      on that extraordinary night. He called for another pork-chop and potatoes,
+      then for pickled salmon; then he thought he would try a devilled
+      turkey-wing. &ldquo;I adore the devil,&rdquo; said he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;So do I,&rdquo; said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the dish was
+      served straightway. It was succeeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted
+      cheese, and&mdash;what was most remarkable&mdash;every one of the dishes
+      which he desired came from under the same silver cover: which
+      circumstance, when he had partaken of about fourteen different articles,
+      he began to find rather mysterious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; said the pale lady, with a smile, &ldquo;the mystery is easily accounted
+      for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW.&rdquo; But this did not
+      account for the manner in which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch
+      (both gin and rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with cucumber
+      to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from which the lady had
+      first poured out his pint of half-and-half.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio,&rdquo; said his arch
+      entertainer, when he put this question to her, &ldquo;than are dreamt of in your
+      philosophy:&rdquo; and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time in such a
+      state, that he did not find anything wonderful more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Are you happy, dear youth?&rdquo; said the lady, as, after his collation, he
+      sank back in his chair.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, miss, ain't I?&rdquo; was his interrogative and yet affirmative reply.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?&rdquo; continued the pale
+      one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, no,&rdquo; said he; &ldquo;no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights I
+      should like oysters.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dear youth,&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;be but mine, and you may have them all the year
+      round!&rdquo; The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise
+      this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious
+      company. A person who can offer oysters all the year round can live to no
+      good purpose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?&rdquo; said the lady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sweet love!&rdquo; said he, now much excited, &ldquo;strike up, and I will join the
+      chorus.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. 'Twas a sweet and wild
+      one. It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on a peasant page;
+      it told how nought could her love assuage, her suitor's wealth and her
+      father's rage: it told how the youth did his foes engage; and at length
+      they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born dame and the peasant
+      page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled his head, sung wofully out of tune as
+      the song proceeded; and if he had not been too intoxicated with love and
+      other excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on the wall, as
+      the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod and grin to the
+      music. The song ended. &ldquo;I am the lady of high lineage: Archer, will you be
+      the peasant page?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'll follow you to the devil!&rdquo; said Wolfgang.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Come,&rdquo; replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, &ldquo;come to the chapel;
+      we'll be married this minute!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      She held out her hand&mdash;Wolfgang took it. It was cold, damp,&mdash;deadly
+      cold; and on they went to the chapel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman and
+      lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly down to the
+      ground, and making the retreating couple a profound curtsy and bow, took
+      the places which they had left at the table.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading
+      innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent. As
+      they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their frames
+      to follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a bust, frowned in
+      the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his pedestal would not move;
+      and several sticking-plaster profiles of the former Lords of Windeck
+      looked quite black at being, for similar reasons, compelled to keep their
+      places. However, there was a goodly procession formed behind Wolfgang and
+      his bride; and by the time they reached the church, they had near a
+      hundred followers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old knights
+      glittered as they do at Drury Lane. The organ set up of itself to play the
+      &ldquo;Bridesmaid's Chorus.&rdquo; The choir-chairs were filled with people in black.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Come, love,&rdquo; said the pale lady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I don't see the parson,&rdquo; exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself rather
+      alarmed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, the parson! that's the easiest thing in the world! I say, bishop!&rdquo;
+       said the lady, stooping down.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Stooping down&mdash;and to what? Why, upon my word and honor, to a great
+      brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and on which was
+      engraven the figure of a bishop&mdash;and a very ugly bishop, too&mdash;with
+      crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal
+      ring. &ldquo;Do, my dear lord, come and marry us,&rdquo; said the lady, with a levity
+      which shocked the feelings of her bridegroom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping under a
+      large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him; while a canon of
+      the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning and making
+      fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and . . . .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the
+      absence of his companion Wolfgang. The idea he had had, that his friend
+      disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him more and
+      more. &ldquo;I will follow them,&rdquo; said he; and, calling to the next on the watch
+      (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his sleep), he rushed away
+      by the door through which he had seen Wolfgang and his temptress take
+      their way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle was vast, the
+      chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, and what wonder that, after he
+      had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe should not be able to
+      follow in their steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door, and
+      wandered for at least three hours about the dark enormous solitary castle,
+      calling out Wolfgang's name to the careless and indifferent echoes,
+      knocking his young shins against the ruins scattered in the darkness, but
+      still with a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm resolution to aid his
+      absent comrade. Brave Otto! thy exertions were rewarded at last!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had
+      partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the
+      picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady's father and mother, were
+      now sitting at the table.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, Bertha has got a husband at last,&rdquo; said the lady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was quite
+      time,&rdquo; said the gentleman. (He was dressed in powder and a pigtail, quite
+      in the old fashion.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The husband is no great things,&rdquo; continued the lady, taking snuff. &ldquo;A low
+      fellow, my dear; a butcher's son, I believe. Did you see how the wretch
+      ate at supper? To think my daughter should have to marry an archer!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There are archers and archers,&rdquo; said the old man. &ldquo;Some archers are
+      snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are gentlemen by
+      birth, at least, though not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the Landgrave
+      of Godesberg's son, who is listening at the door like a lackey, and whom I
+      intend to run through the&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Law, Baron!&rdquo; said the lady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will, though,&rdquo; replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and glaring
+      round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and that scowl a less
+      valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the undaunted Childe
+      advanced at once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a relic of St.
+      Buffo (the tip of the saint's ear, which had been cut off at
+      Constantinople). &ldquo;Fiends! I command you to retreat!&rdquo; said he, holding up
+      this sacred charm, which his mamma had fastened on him; and at the sight
+      of it, with an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the Baroness
+      sprung back into their picture-frames, as clowns go through a clock in a
+      pantomime.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had passed
+      with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the vast gloomy
+      chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of the organ in the
+      chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him towards that
+      edifice. He rushed to the door: 'twas barred! He knocked: the beadles were
+      deaf. He applied his inestimable relic to the lock, and&mdash;whiz! crash!
+      clang! bang! whang!&mdash;the gate flew open! the organ went off in a
+      fugue&mdash;the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went off towards
+      the ceiling&mdash;the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry and a
+      scream&mdash;the bride howled, and vanished&mdash;the fat bishop waddled
+      back under his brass plate&mdash;the dean flounced down into his family
+      vault&mdash;and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual,
+      on the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his epigram, and
+      to disappear into the void whence he came.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless down at
+      the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when they arrived,
+      found the two youths. They were resuscitated, as we scarce need say; but
+      when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale, some
+      sceptics among the archers said&mdash;&ldquo;Pooh! they were intoxicated!&rdquo; while
+      others, nodding their older heads, exclaimed&mdash;&ldquo;THEY HAVE SEEN THE
+      LADY OF WINDECK!&rdquo; and recalled the stories of many other young men, who,
+      inveigled by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and had
+      disappeared&mdash;for ever!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant preserver; and
+      the archers&mdash;it being now morning, and the cocks crowing lustily
+      round about&mdash;pursued their way without further delay to the castle of
+      the noble patron of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER X.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between Windeck
+      and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a legend and a
+      ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made to
+      waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey would be thus
+      almost interminable, let us cut it short by saying that the travellers
+      reached Cleves without any further accident, and found the place thronged
+      with visitors for the meeting next day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived, and make
+      display of antiquarian lore. Now we would represent a cavalcade of knights
+      arriving, with their pages carrying their shining helms of gold, and the
+      stout esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive a fat abbot
+      on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white-robed companions of his
+      convent. Here should come the gleemen and jonglers, the minstrels, the
+      mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed, nut-brown
+      Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs, and leading
+      in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the vine-lands. Next
+      we would depict the litters blazoned with armorial bearings, from between
+      the broidered curtains of which peeped out the swan-like necks and the
+      haughty faces of the blond ladies of the castles. But for these
+      descriptions we have not space; and the reader is referred to the account
+      of the tournament in the ingenious novel of &ldquo;Ivanhoe,&rdquo; where the above
+      phenomena are described at length. Suffice it to say, that Otto and his
+      companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and, hastening to a hostel,
+      reposed themselves after the day's march, and prepared them for the
+      encounter of the morrow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and his
+      comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and arrows, you
+      may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as were the multitude of
+      other archers assembled. They were from all neighboring countries&mdash;crowds
+      of English, as you may fancy, armed with Murray's guide-books, troops of
+      chattering Frenchmen, Frankfort Jews with roulette-tables, and Tyrolese,
+      with gloves and trinkets&mdash;all hied towards the field where the butts
+      were set up, and the archery practice was to be held. The Childe and his
+      brother archers were, it need not be said, early on the ground.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman's emotion when,
+      preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and other wind
+      instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his
+      daughter? And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do justice to the
+      beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm which decorates the person,
+      every virtue which ornaments the mind, every accomplishment which renders
+      charming mind and charming person doubly charming, and then you will have
+      but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her Highness the Princess
+      Helen. Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know not with what justice)
+      Rowland's Kalydor imparts to the users of that cosmetic; fancy teeth to
+      which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals; eyes, which were so blue,
+      tender, and bright, that while they run you through with their lustre,
+      they healed you with their kindness; a neck and waist, so ravishingly
+      slender and graceful, that the least that is said about them the better; a
+      foot which fell upon the flowers no heavier than a dew-drop&mdash;and this
+      charming person set off by the most elegant toilet that ever milliner
+      devised! The lovely Helen's hair (which was as black as the finest varnish
+      for boots) was so long, that it was borne on a cushion several yards
+      behind her by the maidens of her train; and a hat, set off with
+      moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles, birds-of-paradise, gold lace, and pink
+      ribbon, gave her a distingue air, which would have set the editor of the
+      Morning Post mad with love.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg, as
+      leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and gazed on
+      her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both
+      of them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding to the cheek of
+      either. A simultaneous throb beat in those young hearts! They loved each
+      other for ever from that instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged,
+      enraptured, leaning on his ivory bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden for
+      her pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to hide
+      her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones! I am old now; but not so
+      old but that I kindle at the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too has
+      lived and loved. Heigho!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated the
+      Princess and the stout old lord, her father? Who is he whose hair is of
+      the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a nose, are
+      perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back and a hideous
+      mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yellow odious
+      teeth. Although he wears a sky-blue doublet laced with silver, it only
+      serves to render his vulgar punchy figure doubly ridiculous; although his
+      nether garment is of salmon-colored velvet, it only draws the more
+      attention to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and bandy. A
+      rose-colored hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks absurd on
+      his bull-head; and though it is time of peace, the wretch is armed with a
+      multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres, and scimitars,
+      which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. 'Tis the terrible
+      Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein. Report says he is
+      a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen. He addresses various speeches
+      of gallantry to her, and grins hideously as he thrusts his disgusting head
+      over her lily shoulder. But she turns away from him! turns and shudders&mdash;ay,
+      as she would at a black dose!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. &ldquo;What is the prize?&rdquo;
+       asks one archer of another. There are two prizes&mdash;a velvet cap,
+      embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of
+      enormous value. Both lie on cushions before her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize,&rdquo; says a swarthy,
+      savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules on a black
+      shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Which, fellow?&rdquo; says Otto, turning fiercely upon him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The chain, to be sure!&rdquo; says the leering archer. &ldquo;You do not suppose I am
+      such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?&rdquo; Otto laughed in
+      scorn, and began to prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed that
+      the sports were about to commence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already been done in the
+      novel of &ldquo;Ivanhoe&rdquo; before mentioned. Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln
+      green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit,
+      some missed; those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of the
+      multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new trials of skill; but it
+      was easy to see, from the first, that the battle lay between Squintoff
+      (the Rowski archer) and the young hero with the golden hair and the ivory
+      bow. Squintoff's fame as a marksman was known throughout Europe; but who
+      was his young competitor? Ah? there was ONE heart in the assembly that
+      beat most anxiously to know. 'Twas Helen's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The crowning trial arrived. The bull's eye of the target, set up at
+      three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so small, that it
+      required a very clever man indeed to see, much more to hit it; and as
+      Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Rowski flung a
+      purse of gold towards his archer, saying&mdash;&ldquo;Squintoff, an ye win the
+      prize, the purse is thine.&rdquo; &ldquo;I may as well pocket it at once, your honor,&rdquo;
+       said the bowman with a sneer at Otto. &ldquo;This young chick, who has been
+      lucky as yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that.&rdquo; And, taking his aim,
+      Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the
+      bull's-eye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Can you mend that, young springald?&rdquo; said he, as a shout rent the air at
+      his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion of her secret
+      heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the Rowski's
+      money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Has anybody got a pea?&rdquo; asked the lad. Everybody laughed at his droll
+      request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the crowd, handed
+      him the vegetable which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto,
+      stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his arrow from the
+      bull's-eye, and placed in the orifice made by the steel point of the
+      shaft, the pea which he had received from the old woman. He then came back
+      to his place. As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by emotion,
+      that 'twas thought she would have fainted. Never, never had she seen a
+      being so beautiful as the young hero now before her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clusters of hair from his
+      bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled on his cheek,
+      from which the barber's weapon had never shorn the down. He took his bow,
+      and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself lightly on his
+      right leg, he flung himself forward, raising his left leg on a level with
+      his ear. He looked like Apollo, as he stood balancing himself there. He
+      discharged his dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the blue air&mdash;whiz!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!&rdquo; said the Princess, and fainted. The Rowski, with
+      one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while with the other he
+      levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to level anything) a furious
+      glance at his archer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The archer swore a sulky oath. &ldquo;He is the better man!&rdquo; said he. &ldquo;I
+      suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The gold chain?&rdquo; said Otto. &ldquo;Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked by that
+      august hand? Never!&rdquo; And advancing to the balcony where the Princess, who
+      now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before her, and received
+      the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet as the cap itself, the Princess
+      Helen placed on his golden ringlets. Once more their eyes met&mdash;their
+      hearts thrilled. They had never spoken, but they knew they loved each
+      other for ever.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?&rdquo; said that
+      individual to the youth. &ldquo;Thou shalt be captain of my archers in place of
+      yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer,&rdquo; replied Otto,
+      haughtily; &ldquo;and I will NOT take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?&rdquo; said the father
+      of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the haughtiness of the
+      humble archer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY,&rdquo; said Otto, bowing
+      low. He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word family. Helen
+      knew what he meant. SHE was the family. In fact her mother was no more,
+      and her papa had no other offspring.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What is thy name, good fellow,&rdquo; said the Prince, &ldquo;that my steward may
+      enroll thee?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sir,&rdquo; said Otto, again blushing, &ldquo;I am OTTO THE ARCHER.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE MARTYR OF LOVE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a handsome
+      dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which his friend
+      distinguished himself as usual in the eating and drinking department.
+      Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to attend; so great was the envy of
+      the brute at the youthful hero's superiority. As for Otto himself, he sat
+      on the right hand of the chairman; but it was remarked that he could not
+      eat. Gentle reader of my page! thou knowest why full well. He was too much
+      in love to have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring under that
+      passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet remember our
+      Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry when they're in
+      love.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in the corps
+      of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his attached squire,
+      who vowed he never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own elegant
+      dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves, the noble Childe
+      sighed not a little. 'Twas a splendid uniform 'tis true, but still it WAS
+      a livery, and one of his proud spirit ill bears another's cognizances.
+      &ldquo;They are the colors of the Princess, however,&rdquo; said he, consoling
+      himself; &ldquo;and what suffering would I not undergo for HER?&rdquo; As for
+      Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured,
+      low-born fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to exchange
+      for the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and
+      orange-tawny hat, with which the Duke's steward supplied him, the homely
+      patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Look at you two archers,&rdquo; said the Prince of Cleves to his guest, the
+      Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the battlements after
+      dinner, smoking their cigars as usual. His Highness pointed to our two
+      young friends, who were mounting guard for the first time. &ldquo;See yon two
+      bowmen&mdash;mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat thy Squintoff,
+      and t'other, an I mistake not, won the third prize at the butts. Both wear
+      the same uniform&mdash;the colors of my house&mdash;yet wouldst not swear
+      that the one was but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Which looks like the nobleman?&rdquo; said the Rowski, as black as thunder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure,&rdquo; said the Princess Helen, eagerly.
+      The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence of disliking the
+      odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski's proffered arm, and was
+      loitering behind with her parasol.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black and
+      jealous Rowski more ill-humored. &ldquo;How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves,&rdquo;
+       said he, &ldquo;that the churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear
+      the ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear ringlets such as
+      yon springald's? Ho, archer!&rdquo; roared he, &ldquo;come, hither, fellow.&rdquo; And Otto
+      stood before him. As he came, and presenting arms stood respectfully
+      before the Prince and his savage guest, he looked for one moment at the
+      lovely Helen&mdash;their eyes met, their hearts beat simultaneously: and,
+      quick, two little blushes appeared in the cheek of either. I have seen one
+      ship at sea answering another's signal so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our readers of
+      the great estimation in which the hair was held in the North. Only nobles
+      were permitted to wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a shaving
+      was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains or vassals who
+      sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus de Nobilitate
+      Capillari; Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart; Fresirische
+      Alterthumskunde, &amp;c.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow,&rdquo; said the Duke of
+      Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of his gallant
+      recruit. &ldquo;'Tis against the regulation cut of my archer guard.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Cut off my hair!&rdquo; cried Otto, agonized.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel,&rdquo; roared Donnerblitz.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein,&rdquo; said the Duke with dignity: &ldquo;let the
+      Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms. And you, young
+      sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent to
+      plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings overcame
+      him. &ldquo;The count need not fear, my lord,&rdquo; said he: &ldquo;a lady is present.&rdquo; And
+      he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah! what a pang shot
+      through the heart of Helen, as she thought that those lovely ringlets must
+      be shorn from that beautiful head!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto's mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a gentleman&mdash;let
+      us add, his pride as a man&mdash;for who is not, let us ask, proud of a
+      good head of hair?&mdash;waged war within his soul. He expostulated with
+      the Prince. &ldquo;It was never in my contemplation,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;on taking
+      service, to undergo the operation of hair-cutting.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer,&rdquo; said the Prince pettishly. &ldquo;I
+      will have no churls imitating noblemen in my service: I will bandy no
+      conditions with archers of my guard.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My resolve is taken,&rdquo; said Otto, irritated too in his turn. &ldquo;I will . . .
+      . &rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What?&rdquo; cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will STAY,&rdquo; answered Otto. The poor girl almost fainted with joy. The
+      Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in
+      the horrible German jargon, stalked away. &ldquo;So be it,&rdquo; said the Prince of
+      Cleves, taking his daughter's arm&mdash;&ldquo;and here comes Snipwitz, my
+      barber, who shall do the business for you.&rdquo; With this the Prince too moved
+      on, feeling in his heart not a little compassion for the lad; for Adolf of
+      Cleves had been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the ornament
+      of which he was now depriving his archer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there&mdash;in a word&mdash;operated
+      upon him. The golden curls&mdash;fair curls that his mother had so often
+      played with!&mdash;fell under the shears and round the lad's knees, until
+      he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the little
+      chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it as cropped as a
+      charity-boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!&mdash;And no
+      wonder. He was thinking what would be Helen's opinion of him, now that one
+      of his chief personal ornaments was gone. &ldquo;Will she know me?&rdquo; thought he;
+      &ldquo;will she love me after this hideous mutilation?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to be
+      seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young gentleman
+      had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to
+      natural despondency; when he saw something which instantly restored him to
+      good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming towards the chamber where the
+      odious barber had performed upon him,&mdash;coming forward timidly,
+      looking round her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation,&mdash;and
+      presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she entered the
+      apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what was Otto's joy when he saw her
+      pick up a beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and
+      then hide it in her bosom! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen did
+      when she came out after performing this feat. Then she hurried straightway
+      to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose first impulse was to
+      come out from his hiding-place, and, falling at her feet, call heaven and
+      earth to witness to his passion, with difficulty restrained his feelings
+      and let her pass: but the love-stricken young hero was so delighted with
+      this evident proof of reciprocated attachment, that all regret at losing
+      his ringlets at once left him, and he vowed he would sacrifice not only
+      his hair, but his head, if need were, to do her service.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in the
+      castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of
+      Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage. He went away in the
+      greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud conversation with the
+      Prince. As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking rather
+      demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gathered his attendants in
+      the court, and there mounted his charger, the Rowski ordered his trumpets
+      to sound, and scornfully flung a largesse of gold among the servitors and
+      men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were marshalled in the court.
+      &ldquo;Farewell, Sir Prince,&rdquo; said he to his host: &ldquo;I quit you now suddenly; but
+      remember, it is not my last visit to the Castle of Cleves.&rdquo; And ordering
+      his band to play &ldquo;See the Conquering Hero comes,&rdquo; he clattered away
+      through the drawbridge. The Princess Helen was not present at his
+      departure; and the venerable Prince of Cleves looked rather moody and
+      chap-fallen when his guest left him. He visited all the castle defences
+      pretty accurately that night, and inquired of his officers the state of
+      the ammunition, provisions, &amp;c. He said nothing; but the Princess
+      Helen's maid did: and everybody knew that the Rowski had made his
+      proposals, had been rejected, and, getting up in a violent fury, had
+      called for his people, and sworn by his great gods that he would not enter
+      the castle again until he rode over the breach, lance in hand, the
+      conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the news: for
+      everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid and powerful
+      soldiers in all Germany,&mdash;one of the most skilful generals. Generous
+      to extravagance to his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy: a
+      hundred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised by him in
+      several towns and castles which he had captured and sacked. And poor Helen
+      had the pain of thinking, that in consequence of her refusal she was
+      dooming all the men, women, and children of the principality to
+      indiscriminate and horrible slaughter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days dreadful
+      confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy Prince of Cleves was taking his
+      dinner (though the honest warrior had had little appetite for that meal
+      for some time past), when trumpets were heard at the gate; and presently
+      the herald of the Rowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on which the
+      arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the dining-hall. A page bore a
+      steel gauntlet on a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on his head. The
+      Prince of Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to the chair of
+      state where the sovereign sat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Silence for Bleu Sanglier,&rdquo; cried the Prince, gravely. &ldquo;Say your say, Sir
+      Herald.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz,
+      Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt, and
+      Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman Empire&mdash;to
+      you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier, bring war
+      and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or twenty to twenty in field or
+      in fort, on plain or on mountain, the noble Rowski defies you. Here, or
+      wherever he shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death between you and
+      him. In token whereof, here is his glove.&rdquo; And taking the steel glove from
+      the page, Bleu Boar flung it clanging on the marble floor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good
+      assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise the
+      Rowski's; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him, on his
+      knee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Boteler, fill my goblet,&rdquo; said the Prince to that functionary, who,
+      clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a napkin on his
+      dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master's chair. The goblet was
+      filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a precious golden hanap
+      carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Florentine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Drink, Bleu Sanglier,&rdquo; said the Prince, &ldquo;and put the goblet in thy bosom.
+      Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake.&rdquo; And so saying, Prince Adolf
+      flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald's neck. &ldquo;An invitation
+      to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves.&rdquo; So saying, and
+      bidding his people take good care of Bleu Sanglier's retinue, the Prince
+      left the hall with his daughter. All were marvelling at his dignity,
+      courage, and generosity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far from
+      tranquil. He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the reign of
+      Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death in
+      three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two
+      hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were assailing it.
+      Those deeds which had made the heir of Cleves famous were done thirty
+      years syne. A free liver since he had come into his principality, and of a
+      lazy turn, he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made him in
+      youth so famous a champion, and indolence had borne its usual fruits. He
+      tried his old battle-sword&mdash;that famous blade with which, in
+      Palestine, he had cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split asunder
+      the skull of the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could scarcely
+      now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armor. It was too tight
+      for him. And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found he could not
+      buckle it. Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible Rowski in
+      single combat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the field. The
+      Prince's territories were small; his vassals proverbially lazy and
+      peaceable; his treasury empty. The dismallest prospects were before him:
+      and he passed a sleepless night writing to his friends for succor, and
+      calculating with his secretary the small amount of the resources which he
+      could bring to aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Helen's pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber. She lay awake
+      thinking of Otto,&mdash;thinking of the danger and the ruin her refusal to
+      marry had brought upon her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but HIS waking
+      thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble Childe thought how he should
+      defend the Princess, and win LOS and honor in the ensuing combat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE CHAMPION.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his castle for
+      the threatened siege. He gathered in all the available cattle round the
+      property, and the pigs round many miles; and a dreadful slaughter of
+      horned and snouted animals took place,&mdash;the whole castle resounding
+      with the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the gruntlings, destined to
+      provide food for the garrison. These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of
+      course, would not allow of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,)
+      the lovely Helen, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted and
+      pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying for
+      the same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit, or
+      occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage, who
+      brought in wheat without money or credit either. The charming Princess,
+      amidst the intervals of her labors, went about encouraging the garrison,
+      who vowed to a man they would die for a single sweet smile of hers; and in
+      order to make their inevitable sufferings as easy as possible to the
+      gallant fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a plenty of
+      efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint to bind their
+      warriors' wounds withal. All the fortifications were strengthened; the
+      fosses carefully filled with spikes and water; large stones placed over
+      the gates, convenient to tumble on the heads of the assaulting parties;
+      and caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up pitch, brimstone, boiling
+      oil, &amp;c., wherewith hospitably to receive them. Having the keenest eye
+      in the whole garrison, young Otto was placed on the topmost tower, to
+      watch for the expected coming of the beleaguering host.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining spears were seen
+      glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon made its
+      appearance in battle's magnificently stern array. The tents of the
+      renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot of
+      the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when his army had taken up its
+      position, an officer with a flag of truce and a trumpet was seen advancing
+      to the castle gate. It was the same herald who had previously borne his
+      master's defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once more to the castle
+      gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count of Eulenschreckenstein was
+      in arms without, ready to do battle with the Prince of Cleves, or his
+      champion; that he would remain in arms for three days, ready for combat.
+      If no man met him at the end of that period, he would deliver an assault,
+      and would give quarter to no single soul in the garrison. So saying, the
+      herald nailed his lord's gauntlet on the castle gate. As before, the
+      Prince flung him over another glove from the wall; though how he was to
+      defend himself from such a warrior, or get a champion, or resist the
+      pitiless assault that must follow, the troubled old nobleman knew not in
+      the least.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of
+      wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if they would
+      raise her up a defender.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But how did the noble girl's heart sink&mdash;how were her notions of the
+      purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread intelligence
+      which reached her the next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski! At
+      roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she principally relied&mdash;he
+      whom her fond heart had singled out as her champion, had proved faithless!
+      Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolfgang, had gone with
+      him. A rope was found dangling from the casement of their chamber, and
+      they must have swum the moat and passed over to the enemy in the darkness
+      of the previous night. &ldquo;A pretty lad was this fair-spoken archer of
+      thine!&rdquo; said the Prince her father to her; &ldquo;and a pretty kettle of fish
+      hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers.&rdquo; She retired weeping to her
+      apartment. Never before had that young heart felt so wretched.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That morning, at nine o'clock, as they were going to breakfast, the
+      Rowski's trumpets sounded. Clad in complete armor, and mounted on his
+      enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly up
+      and down in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a champion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of
+      defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth challenging
+      the combat. The first day passed, and there was no answer to his summons.
+      The second day came and went, but no champion had risen to defend. The
+      taunt of his shrill clarion remained without answer; and the sun went down
+      upon the wretchedest father and daughter in all the land of Christendom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and an
+      hour before sunset. The third day came, but with it brought no hope. The
+      first and second summons met no response. At five o'clock the old Prince
+      called his daughter and blessed her. &ldquo;I go to meet this Rowski,&rdquo; said he.
+      &ldquo;It may be we shall meet no more, my Helen&mdash;my child&mdash;the
+      innocent cause of all this grief. If I shall fall to-night the Rowski's
+      victim, 'twill be that life is nothing without honor.&rdquo; And so saying, he
+      put into her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so
+      soon as the terrible champion had carried the castle by storm.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father retired to
+      his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet. It had borne the
+      shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was now so tight as almost to
+      choke the knightly wearer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The last trumpet sounded&mdash;tantara! tantara!&mdash;its shrill call
+      rang over the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer. Again!&mdash;but
+      when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an awful silence.
+      &ldquo;Farewell, my child,&rdquo; said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his
+      battle-saddle. &ldquo;Remember the dagger. Hark! the trumpet sounds for the
+      third time. Open, warders! Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard
+      the right.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet to his
+      lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of another clarion!&mdash;a
+      distant note at first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in brilliant
+      variations, the full rich notes of the &ldquo;Huntsman's Chorus&rdquo; came clearly
+      over the breeze; and a thousand voices of the crowd gazing over the gate
+      exclaimed, &ldquo;A champion! a champion!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And, indeed, a champion HAD come. Issuing from the forest came a knight
+      and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant cream-colored
+      Arabian of prodigious power&mdash;the squire mounted on an unpretending
+      gray cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength and
+      sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet, through the bars of his
+      helmet; the knight's visor was completely down. A small prince's coronet
+      of gold, from which rose three pink ostrich-feathers, marked the warrior's
+      rank: his blank shield bore no cognizance. As gracefully poising his lance
+      he rode into the green space where the Rowski's tents were pitched, the
+      hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor Prince of Cleves,
+      especially, had considerable doubts about his new champion. &ldquo;So slim a
+      figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz,&rdquo; said he, moodily, to
+      his daughter; &ldquo;but whoever he be, the fellow puts a good face on it, and
+      rides like a man. See, he has touched the Rowski's shield with the point
+      of his lance! By St. Bendigo, a perilous venture!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as the
+      Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his daughter
+      stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the
+      Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to the
+      lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and waited for the foe.
+      His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat there, motionless, on his
+      cream-colored steed. He looked like one of those fairy knights one has
+      read of&mdash;one of those celestial champions who decided so many
+      victories before the invention of gun powder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Rowski's horse was speedily brought to the door of his pavilion; and
+      that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of magnificent brass armor,
+      clattered into his saddle. Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled over
+      his helmet, which was farther ornamented by two huge horns of the aurochs.
+      His lance was painted white and red, and he whirled the prodigious beam in
+      the air and caught it with savage glee. He laughed when he saw the slim
+      form of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to meet the coming battle.
+      He dug his spurs into the enormous horse he rode: the enormous horse
+      snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce pleasure. He jerked and curveted
+      him with a brutal playfulness, and after a few minutes' turning and
+      wheeling, during which everybody had leisure to admire the perfection of
+      his equitation, he cantered round to a point exactly opposite his enemy,
+      and pulled up his impatient charger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that he
+      seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should his slim
+      champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. &ldquo;Go it!&rdquo;
+       said he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch; and at the word, the two
+      warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each other.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like that of
+      her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do justice to the
+      terrific theme. You have seen two engines on the Great Western line rush
+      past each other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two warriors
+      gallop towards one another; the feathers of either streamed yards behind
+      their backs as they converged. Their shock as they met was as that of two
+      cannon-balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with the concussion;
+      the lance aimed at the Rowski's helmet bore off the coronet, the horns,
+      the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible distance: a piece of
+      the Rowski's left ear was carried off on the point of the nameless
+      warrior's weapon. How had he fared? His adversary's weapon had glanced
+      harmless along the blank surface of his polished buckler; and the victory
+      so far was with him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The expression of the Rowski's face, as, bareheaded, he glared on his
+      enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a demon. The
+      imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never be copied by a
+      feminine pen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the opportunity
+      thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting his opponent's skull
+      with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his starting-place, bent his
+      lance's point to the ground, in token that he would wait until the Count
+      of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted afresh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Blessed Bendigo!&rdquo; cried the Prince, &ldquo;thou art a gallant lance: but why
+      didst not rap the Schelm's brain out?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bring me a fresh helmet!&rdquo; yelled the Rowski. Another casque was brought
+      to him by his trembling squire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from his
+      side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of battle. The
+      unknown knight's sword was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the two
+      blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the combat!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity. It
+      whirled round his adversary's head with frightful rapidity. Now it carried
+      away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of his coronet. The
+      flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly upon the corn. For many
+      minutes it was the Unknown's only task to defend himself from the
+      tremendous activity of the enemy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But even the Rowski's strength would slacken after exertion. The blows
+      began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown knight began
+      to make dreadful play. It found and penetrated every joint of the
+      Donnerblitz's armor. Now it nicked him in the shoulder where the vambrace
+      was buckled to the corselet; now it bored a shrewd hole under the light
+      brissart, and blood followed; now, with fatal dexterity, it darted through
+      the visor, and came back to the recover deeply tinged with blood. A scream
+      of rage followed the last thrust; and no wonder:&mdash;it had penetrated
+      the Rowski's left eye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost choking in
+      his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and rage. Gasping with
+      fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great sword at his opponent's
+      head, and once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same dreadful
+      weapon! Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began the attack; and
+      the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like a
+      thunderbolt! &ldquo;Yield! yield! Sir Rowski,&rdquo; shouted he, in a calm, clear
+      voice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. 'Twas the last blow that the
+      Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle! The curse was on his
+      lips as the crushing steel descended into his brain, and split it in two.
+      He rolled like a log from his horse: his enemy's knee was in a moment on
+      his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat, as the knight once more
+      called upon him to yield.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But there was no answer from within the helmet. When it was withdrawn, the
+      teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should have spoken, grinned a
+      ghastly silence: one eye still glared with hate and fury, but it was
+      glazed with the film of death!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine. The unknown
+      knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful obeisance to
+      the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back
+      into the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE MARRIAGE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily sent
+      all his camp-followers, army, &amp;c. to the right-about. They struck
+      their tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each man laying
+      hold of what he could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched
+      under his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the sun rose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of Cleves
+      were not shut. Everybody was free to come in. Wine-butts were broached in
+      all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege was
+      distributed among the people, who crowded to congratulate their beloved
+      sovereign on his victory; and the Prince, as was customary with that good
+      man, who never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party, had a
+      splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes, the whole
+      concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of Hombourg
+      arrived at the castle. The stalwart old warrior swore by Saint Bugo that
+      he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been taken out of his hand.
+      The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Hombourg could never have
+      finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the unknown knight had just
+      done.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of these two
+      old nobles. How to find him&mdash;how to reward the champion and restorer
+      of the honor and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that he
+      should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent round the principal
+      cities within fifty miles, and the description of the knight advertised,
+      in the Journal de Francfort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the
+      Princess Helen was solemnly offered to him in these advertisements, with
+      the reversion of the Prince of Cleves's splendid though somewhat
+      dilapidated property.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But we don't know him, my dear papa,&rdquo; faintly ejaculated that young lady.
+      &ldquo;Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and pretend that he was
+      the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults
+      certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget); and how are
+      you to say whether he is the real knight or not? There are so many
+      deceivers in this world,&rdquo; added the Princess, in tears, &ldquo;that one can't be
+      too cautious now.&rdquo; The fact is, that she was thinking of the desertion of
+      Otto in the morning; by which instance of faithlessness her heart was
+      wellnigh broken.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of
+      everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers' mess that night,
+      as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both of meat and
+      drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades began to describe
+      the events of the day, and the admirable achievements of the unknown
+      warrior; and turning into their hammocks, did not appear on parade in the
+      morning until twenty minutes after the names were called.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he was in
+      a towering passion. &ldquo;Where were you, fellows,&rdquo; shouted he, &ldquo;during the
+      time my castle was at its utmost need?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Otto replied, &ldquo;We were out on particular business.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?&rdquo; exclaimed the
+      Prince. &ldquo;You know the reward of such&mdash;Death! and death you merit. But
+      you are a soldier only of yesterday, and yesterday's victory has made me
+      merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit&mdash;only flogged, both
+      of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give
+      these scoundrels five hundred apiece.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information was
+      thus abruptly conveyed to him. &ldquo;Flog ME!&rdquo; cried he. &ldquo;Flog Otto of&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Not so, my father,&rdquo; said the Princess Helen, who had been standing by
+      during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the while with the
+      most ineffable scorn. &ldquo;Not so: although these PERSONS have forgotten their
+      duty&rdquo; (she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word persons),
+      &ldquo;we have had no need of their services, and have luckily found OTHERS more
+      faithful. You promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the pardon of
+      these two PERSONS. Let them go, and quit a service they have disgraced; a
+      mistress&mdash;that is, a master&mdash;they have deceived.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Drum 'em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from their
+      backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again.&rdquo; So saying, the old
+      Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two young men
+      to the fun and derision of their surrounding comrades.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the
+      ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what was
+      the row? Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly; but the
+      Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclamations of
+      joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to his manly breast,
+      kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst into tears as he embraced
+      him. For, in sooth, the good Count had thought his godson long ere this at
+      the bottom of the silver Rhine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window, (to
+      invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this strange scene
+      from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker likewise, with breathless and
+      beautiful agitation. The old Count and the archer strolled up and down the
+      battlements in deep conversation. By the gestures of surprise and delight
+      exhibited by the former, 'twas easy to see the young archer was conveying
+      some very strange and pleasing news to him; though the nature of the
+      conversation was not allowed to transpire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A godson of mine,&rdquo; said the noble Count, when interrogated over his
+      muffins. &ldquo;I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace; ran away;
+      parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay,&rdquo; and so
+      forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his tale in this brief,
+      artless manner. But why, at its conclusion, did the gentle Helen leave the
+      room, her eyes filled with tears? She left the room once more to kiss a
+      certain lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling, delicious
+      thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries regarding
+      Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women); but he was gone.
+      He and his companion were gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken
+      his departure, under pretext of particular business. How lonely the vast
+      castle seemed to Helen, now that HE was no longer there. The transactions
+      of the last few days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer from the Rowski
+      (always an event in a young lady's life); the siege of the castle; the
+      death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a fevered dream to her:
+      all was passed away, and had left no trace behind. No trace?&mdash;yes!
+      one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over which the young
+      creature wept so much that she put it out of curl; passing hours and hours
+      in the summer-house, where the operation had been performed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a consumption
+      and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a day longer,) a
+      messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste to the Prince of
+      Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment. &ldquo;To the High and Mighty
+      Prince,&rdquo; &amp;c. the letter ran. &ldquo;The Champion who had the honor of
+      engaging on Wednesday last with his late Excellency the Rowski of
+      Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves.
+      Through the medium of the public prints the C. has been made acquainted
+      with the flattering proposal of His Serene Highness relative to a union
+      between himself (the Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess Helen
+      of Cleves. The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite invitation, and
+      will have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and Princess of Cleves
+      about half an hour after the receipt of this letter.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tol lol de rol, girl,&rdquo; shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy. (Have you
+      not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and on the stage, joy
+      is announced by the above burst of insensate monosyllables?) &ldquo;Tol lol de
+      rol. Don thy best kirtle, child; thy husband will be here anon.&rdquo; And Helen
+      retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event in the life of a young
+      woman. When she returned, attired to welcome her defender, her young cheek
+      was as pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs she wore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She was scarce seated on the dais by her father's side, when a huge
+      flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE CHAMPION.
+      Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary to restore her
+      tranquillity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The great door was flung open. He entered,&mdash;the same tall warrior,
+      slim, and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. He approached the Prince's
+      throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in armor. He knelt
+      gracefully on one knee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I come,&rdquo; said he in a voice trembling with emotion, &ldquo;to claim, as per
+      advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen.&rdquo; And he held out a copy
+      of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Art thou noble, Sir Knight?&rdquo; asked the Prince of Cleves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As noble as yourself,&rdquo; answered the kneeling steel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who answers for thee?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!&rdquo; said the knight on the right
+      hand, lifting up his visor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And I&mdash;Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!&rdquo; said the knight on
+      the left, doing likewise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I KNEW IT WAS,&rdquo; said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell ye. In
+      a very few days after, a great marriage took place at Cleves under the
+      patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the
+      marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove off
+      in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissingen. The Lady
+      Theodora, whom we left locked up in her convent a long while since, was
+      prevailed upon to come back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to her
+      husband. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son, and spoiled
+      all her little grandchildren. And so all are happy, and my simple tale is
+      done.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library. 'Twas
+      written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas; but 'tis
+      probable that he stole it from some other, and that the other had filched
+      it from a former tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun. Things die
+      and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgotten tale of the great
+      Dumas reappears under the signature of
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      THERESA MACWHIRTER.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      REBECCA AND ROWENA.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      BY MR. MICHAEL ANGELO TITMARSH. <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER I.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE OVERTURE.&mdash;COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUSINESS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance, assuredly it
+      has often occurred to every one of you, that the books we delight in have
+      very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite prematurely with page 320
+      of the third volume. At that epoch of the history it is well known that
+      the hero is seldom more than thirty years old, and the heroine by
+      consequence some seven or eight years younger; and I would ask any of you
+      whether it is fair to suppose that people after the above age have nothing
+      worthy of note in their lives, and cease to exist as they drive away from
+      Saint George's, Hanover Square? You, dear young ladies, who get your
+      knowledge of life from the circulating library, may be led to imagine that
+      when the marriage business is done, and Emilia is whisked off in the new
+      travelling-carriage, by the side of the enraptured Earl; or Belinda,
+      breaking away from the tearful embraces of her excellent mother, dries her
+      own lovely eyes upon the throbbing waistcoat of her bridegroom&mdash;you
+      may be apt, I say, to suppose that all is over then; that Emilia and the
+      Earl are going to be happy for the rest of their lives in his lordship's
+      romantic castle in the North, and Belinda and her young clergyman to enjoy
+      uninterrupted bliss in their rose-trellised parsonage in the West of
+      England: but some there be among the novel-reading classes&mdash;old
+      experienced folks&mdash;who know better than this. Some there be who have
+      been married, and found that they have still something to see and to do,
+      and to suffer mayhap; and that adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and
+      taxes, and sunrises and settings, and the business and joys and griefs of
+      life go on after, as before the nuptial ceremony.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes of
+      hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by to the
+      two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife; and I have
+      often wished that additions should be made to all works of fiction which
+      have been brought to abrupt terminations in the manner described; and that
+      we should hear what occurs to the sober married man, as well as to the
+      ardent bachelor; to the matron, as well as to the blushing spinster. And
+      in this respect I admire (and would desire to imitate,) the noble and
+      prolific French author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from early
+      youth down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them rest until
+      they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should get a little
+      peace and quiet. A hero is much too valuable a gentleman to be put upon
+      the retired list, in the prime and vigor of his youth; and I wish to know
+      what lady among us would like to be put on the shelf, and thought no
+      longer interesting, because she has a family growing up, and is four or
+      five and thirty years of age? I have known ladies at sixty, with hearts as
+      tender and ideas as romantic as any young misses of sixteen. Let us have
+      middle-aged novels then, as well as your extremely juvenile legends: let
+      the young ones be warned that the old folks have a right to be
+      interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart, although she is
+      somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a man his feelings,
+      although he gets his hair from Truefitt's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most illustrious
+      personages of romance should be continued by fitting hands, and that they
+      should be heard of, until at least a decent age.&mdash;Look at Mr. James's
+      heroes: they invariably marry young. Look at Mr. Dickens's: they disappear
+      from the scene when they are mere chits. I trust these authors, who are
+      still alive, will see the propriety of telling us something more about
+      people in whom we took a considerable interest, and who must be at present
+      strong and hearty, and in the full vigor of health and intellect. And in
+      the tales of the great Sir Walter (may honor be to his name), I am sure
+      there are a number of people who are untimely carried away from us, and of
+      whom we ought to hear more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind, been
+      one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so admirable, so
+      tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear altogether before such
+      another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen-headed creature, who is, in my
+      humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe, and unworthy of her place as heroine.
+      Had both of them got their rights, it ever seemed to me that Rebecca would
+      have had the husband, and Rowena would have gone off to a convent and shut
+      herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken the trouble of
+      inquiring for her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But after all she married Ivanhoe. What is to be done? There is no help
+      for it. There it is in black and white at the end of the third volume of
+      Sir Walter Scott's chronicle, that the couple were joined together in
+      matrimony. And must the Disinherited Knight, whose blood has been fired by
+      the suns of Palestine, and whose heart has been warmed in the company of
+      the tender and beautiful Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the side
+      of such a frigid piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim,
+      niminy-piminy Rowena? Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice! There is
+      a simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their due,
+      which is here submitted to the novel-reader. Ivanhoe's history MUST have
+      had a continuation; and it is this which ensues. I may be wrong in some
+      particulars of the narrative,&mdash;as what writer will not be?&mdash;but
+      of the main incidents of the history, I have in my own mind no sort of
+      doubt, and confidently submit them to that generous public which likes to
+      see virtue righted, true love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy descend
+      out of the blazing chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make Harlequin
+      and Columbine happy. What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and ladies; and
+      if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping in and out of
+      endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting scenes, no fairy
+      comes down to make US comfortable at the close of the performance? Ah! let
+      us give our honest novel-folks the benefit of their position, and not be
+      envious of their good luck.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as the
+      famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt for a moment
+      what was the result of the marriage between Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe and
+      Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her conduct during her maidenhood, her
+      distinguished politeness, her spotless modesty of demeanor, her
+      unalterable coolness under all circumstances, and her lofty and
+      gentlewomanlike bearing, must be sure that her married conduct would equal
+      her spinster behavior, and that Rowena the wife would be a pattern of
+      correctness for all the matrons of England.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for piety was
+      known. Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy and monks of the
+      district, whom she fed with the richest viands, while she pinched herself
+      upon pulse and water. There was not an invalid in the three Ridings, Saxon
+      or Norman, but the palfrey of the Lady Rowena might be seen journeying to
+      his door, in company with Father Glauber, her almoner, and Brother Thomas
+      of Epsom, her leech. She lighted up all the churches in Yorkshire with
+      wax-candles, the offerings of her piety. The bells of her chapel began to
+      ring at two o'clock in the morning; and all the domestics of Rotherwood
+      were called upon to attend at matins, at complins, at nones, at vespers,
+      and at sermon. I need not say that fasting was observed with all the
+      rigors of the Church; and that those of the servants of the Lady Rowena
+      were looked upon with most favor whose hair-shirts were the roughest, and
+      who flagellated themselves with the most becoming perseverance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or cooled
+      his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy fool in
+      England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the shuddering poor
+      servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below the salt, it was such
+      a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to laugh at the innuendoes of the
+      unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile was the best applause he could muster.
+      Once, indeed, when Guffo, the goose-boy (a half-witted poor wretch),
+      laughed outright at a lamentably stale pun which Wamba palmed upon him at
+      supper-time, (it was dark, and the torches being brought in, Wamba said,
+      &ldquo;Guffo, they can't see their way in the argument, and are going TO THROW A
+      LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,&rdquo;) the Lady Rowena, being disturbed in a
+      theological controversy with Father Willibald, (afterwards canonized as
+      St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit and confessor,) called out to know
+      what was the cause of the unseemly interruption, and Guffo and Wamba being
+      pointed out as the culprits, ordered them straightway into the court-yard,
+      and three dozen to be administered to each of them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle,&rdquo; said poor Wamba, piteously,
+      appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, &ldquo;and canst thou not save me from the
+      lash?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf's castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH THE
+      JEWESS IN THE TOWER!&rdquo; said Rowena, haughtily replying to the timid appeal
+      of her husband. &ldquo;Gurth, give him four dozen!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of his
+      master.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the royal
+      blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort, could scarcely
+      call his life his own, and was made, in all things, to feel the
+      inferiority of his station. And which of us is there acquainted with the
+      sex that has not remarked this propensity in lovely woman, and how often
+      the wisest in the council are made to be as fools at HER board, and the
+      boldest in the battle-field are craven when facing her distaff?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower,&rdquo; was a remark,
+      too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader will understand,
+      the significancy. When the daughter of Isaac of York brought her diamonds
+      and rubies&mdash;the poor gentle victim!&mdash;and, meekly laying them at
+      the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed into foreign lands to tend the
+      sick of her people, and to brood over the bootless passion which consumed
+      her own pure heart, one would have thought that the heart of the royal
+      lady would have melted before such beauty and humility, and that she would
+      have been generous in the moment of her victory.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being
+      handsome and more love-worthy than herself? The Lady Rowena did certainly
+      say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, &ldquo;Come and live with me
+      as a sister,&rdquo; as the former part of this history shows; but Rebecca knew
+      in her heart that her ladyship's proposition was what is called BOSH (in
+      that noble Eastern language with which Wilfrid the Crusader was familiar),
+      or fudge, in plain Saxon; and retired with a broken, gentle spirit,
+      neither able to bear the sight of her rival's happiness, nor willing to
+      disturb it by the contrast of her own wretchedness. Rowena, like the most
+      high-bred and virtuous of women, never forgave Isaac's daughter her
+      beauty, nor her flirtation with Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term
+      it); nor, above all, her admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena
+      was actually in possession of them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe's teeth. There was
+      not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made to remember that a
+      Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and that a Christian lady of
+      fashion could never forgive the insult. For instance, if Gurth, the
+      swineherd, who was now promoted to be a gamekeeper and verderer, brought
+      the account of a famous wild-boar in the wood, and proposed a hunt, Rowena
+      would say, &ldquo;Do, Sir Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you know your
+      friends the Jews can't abide them!&rdquo; Or when, as it oft would happen, our
+      lion-hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a benevolence
+      from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists, or extract
+      some of the principal rabbis' teeth, Rowena would exult and say, &ldquo;Serve
+      them right, the misbelieving wretches! England can never be a happy
+      country until every one of these monsters is exterminated!&rdquo; or else,
+      adopting a strain of still more savage sarcasm, would exclaim, &ldquo;Ivanhoe my
+      dear, more persecution for the Jews! Hadn't you better interfere, my love?
+      His Majesty will do anything for you; and, you know, the Jews were ALWAYS
+      SUCH FAVORITES OF YOURS,&rdquo; or words to that effect. But, nevertheless, her
+      ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing Rebecca's jewels at court,
+      whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or at the York assizes and ball,
+      when she appeared there: not of course because she took any interest in
+      such things, but because she considered it her duty to attend, as one of
+      the chief ladies of the county.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his wishes,
+      was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous elevation,
+      disappointed. Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so in life! Many a
+      garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and green, which, when beheld
+      closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady walks melancholy and grass-grown;
+      the bowers you would fain repose in, cushioned with stinging-nettles. I
+      have ridden in a caique upon the waters of the Bosphorus, and looked upon
+      the capital of the Soldan of Turkey. As seen from those blue waters, with
+      palace and pinnacle, with gilded dome and towering cypress, it seemeth a
+      very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter the city, and it is but a beggarly
+      labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty alleys, where the ways are steep and
+      the smells are foul, tenanted by mangy dogs and ragged beggars&mdash;a
+      dismal illusion! Life is such, ah, well-a-day! It is only hope which is
+      real, and reality is a bitterness and a deceit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe's high principles would never bring himself to
+      acknowledge this fact; but others did for him. He grew thin, and pined
+      away as much as if he had been in a fever under the scorching sun of
+      Ascalon. He had no appetite for his meals; he slept ill, though he was
+      yawning all day. The jangling of the doctors and friars whom Rowena
+      brought together did not in the least enliven him, and he would sometimes
+      give proofs of somnolency during their disputes, greatly to the
+      consternation of his lady. He hunted a good deal, and, I very much fear,
+      as Rowena rightly remarked, that he might have an excuse for being absent
+      from home. He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a hermit;
+      and when he came back from Athelstane's (whither he would repair not
+      unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural brilliancy
+      of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be sure, was sitting up
+      for him. As for Athelstane, he swore by St. Wullstan that he was glad to
+      have escaped a marriage with such a pattern of propriety; and honest
+      Cedric the Saxon (who had been very speedily driven out of his
+      daughter-in-law's castle) vowed by St. Waltheof that his son had bought a
+      dear bargain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his royal
+      master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he had squeezed
+      from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all the money which he
+      could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince began to make war against the
+      French King, in Normandy and Guienne, Sir Wilfrid pined like a true
+      servant to be in company of the good champion, alongside of whom he had
+      shivered so many lances, and dealt such woundy blows of sword and
+      battle-axe on the plains of Jaffa or the breaches of Acre. Travellers were
+      welcome at Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good King:
+      and I warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when Father
+      Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James's Chronykyll (which was the
+      paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of &ldquo;another glorious triumph&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Defeat
+      of the French near Blois&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Splendid victory at Epte, and narrow
+      escape of the French King:&rdquo; the which deeds of arms the learned scribes
+      had to narrate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left the
+      Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and the more
+      moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his Gascony wine.
+      Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail hanging vacant on the
+      wall, his banner covered with spider-webs, and his sword and axe rusting
+      there. &ldquo;Ah, dear axe,&rdquo; sighed he (into his drinking-horn)&mdash;&ldquo;ah,
+      gentle steel! that was a merry time when I sent thee crashing into the
+      pate of the Emir Abdul Melik as he rode on the right of Saladin. Ah, my
+      sword, my dainty headsman? my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards!
+      is the rust to eat thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in
+      battle? What is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a
+      cobweb for a pennon? O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once more
+      thy voice in the front of the onset! Bones of Brian the Templar? would ye
+      could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we might break another
+      spear for honor and&mdash;and&mdash;&rdquo; . . .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And REBECCA,&rdquo; he would have said; but the knight paused here in rather a
+      guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena (as she chose to
+      style herself at home) looked so hard at him out of her china-blue eyes,
+      that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading his thoughts, and was fain to
+      drop his own eyes into his flagon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In a word, his life was intolerable. The dinner hour of the twelfth
+      century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined at ten o'clock
+      in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum under her canopy,
+      embroidered with the arms of Edward the Confessor, working with her
+      maidens at the most hideous pieces of tapestry, representing the tortures
+      and martyrdoms of her favorite saints, and not allowing a soul to speak
+      above his breath, except when she chose to cry out in her own shrill voice
+      when a handmaid made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of worsted. It was
+      a dreary life. Wamba, we have said, never ventured to crack a joke, save
+      in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and then Sir Wilfrid
+      Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but hunted in silence,
+      moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with shaft and quarrel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless, to join
+      him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard, with a score or
+      two of lances. But the Earl of Huntingdon was a very different character
+      from Robin Hood the forester. There was no more conscientious magistrate
+      in all the county than his lordship: he was never known to miss church or
+      quarter-sessions; he was the strictest game-proprietor in all the Riding,
+      and sent scores of poachers to Botany Bay. &ldquo;A man who has a stake in the
+      country, my good Sir Wilfrid,&rdquo; Lord Huntingdon said, with rather a
+      patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat since the King had
+      taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong as an elephant to
+      mount him)&mdash;&ldquo;a man with a stake in the country ought to stay IN the
+      country. Property has its duties as well as its privileges, and a person
+      of my rank is bound to live on the land from which he gets his living.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Amen!&rdquo; sang out the Reverend &mdash;&mdash; Tuck, his lordship's
+      domestic chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx,
+      who was as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his handkerchief,
+      and had his poll shaved and his beard curled every day. And so sanctified
+      was his Reverence grown, that he thought it was a shame to kill the pretty
+      deer, (though he ate of them still hugely, both in pasties and with French
+      beans and currant-jelly,) and being shown a quarter-staff upon a certain
+      occasion, handled it curiously, and asked &ldquo;what that ugly great stick
+      was?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun and
+      spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come and stay
+      at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness of that castle.
+      But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself such airs, and bored her so
+      intolerably with stories of King Edward the Confessor, that she preferred
+      any place rather than Rotherwood, which was as dull as if it had been at
+      the top of Mount Athos.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The only person who visited it was Athelstane. &ldquo;His Royal Highness the
+      Prince&rdquo; Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received with royal
+      honors. She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned out with presented
+      arms when he arrived; helped him to all Ivanhoe's favorite cuts of the
+      mutton or the turkey, and forced her poor husband to light him to the
+      state bedroom, walking backwards, holding a pair of wax-candles. At this
+      hour of bedtime the Thane used to be in such a condition, that he saw two
+      pair of candles and two Ivanhoes reeling before him. Let us hope it was
+      not Ivanhoe that was reeling, but only his kinsman's brains muddled with
+      the quantities of drink which it was his daily custom to consume. Rowena
+      said it was the crack which the wicked Bois Guilbert, &ldquo;the Jewess's OTHER
+      lover, Wilfrid my dear,&rdquo; gave him on his royal skull, which caused the
+      Prince to be disturbed so easily; but added, that drinking became a person
+      of royal blood, and was but one of the duties of his station.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man to bear
+      him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he himself was every
+      day more and more bent upon going, and he long cast about for some means
+      of breaking to his Rowena his firm resolution to join the King. He thought
+      she would certainty fall ill if he communicated the news too abruptly to
+      her: he would pretend a journey to York to attend a grand jury; then a
+      call to London on law business or to buy stock; then he would slip over to
+      Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and so be with the King
+      before his wife knew that he was out of sight of Westminster Hall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo! to a
+      goose, plump, short, and to the point,&rdquo; said Wamba the Jester&mdash;who
+      was Sir Wilfrid's chief counsellor and attendant&mdash;&ldquo;depend on't her
+      Highness would bear the news like a Christian woman.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap,&rdquo; said Sir Wilfrid, in a fine
+      tone of high-tragedy indignation. &ldquo;Thou knowest not the delicacy of the
+      nerves of high-born ladies. An she faint not, write me down Hollander.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that she will
+      let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not the matter too
+      strongly,&rdquo; Wamba answered, knowingly. And this Ivanhoe found to his
+      discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast, adopting a degage air, as he
+      sipped his tea, he said, &ldquo;My love, I was thinking of going over to pay his
+      Majesty a visit in Normandy.&rdquo; Upon which, laying down her muffin, (which,
+      since the royal Alfred baked those cakes, had been the chosen breakfast
+      cate of noble Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered to her on a
+      salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)&mdash;&ldquo;When do you
+      think of going, Wilfrid my dear?&rdquo; the lady said; and the moment the
+      tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put away, she
+      set about mending his linen, and getting ready his carpet-bag.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him as he
+      had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the Fool to say,
+      &ldquo;Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board, who, when the
+      boatswain flogged him, did cry out 'Oh!' wherever the rope's-end fell on
+      him: which caused Master Boatswain to say, 'Plague on thee, fellow, and a
+      pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit thee there is no pleasing thee.'&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring,&rdquo;
+       thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, &ldquo;and mine is one that is ever sore.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and a large
+      woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife's own white fingers had
+      woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join the King his master.
+      Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a series of prayers and
+      blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord mounted his charger, which
+      his squires led to the door. &ldquo;It was the duty of the British female of
+      rank,&rdquo; she said, &ldquo;to suffer all&mdash;ALL in the cause of her sovereign.
+      SHE would not fear loneliness during the campaign: she would bear up
+      against widowhood, desertion, and an unprotected situation.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My cousin Athelstane will protect thee,&rdquo; said Ivanhoe, with profound
+      emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and bestowing a chaste
+      salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena modestly said &ldquo;she hoped his
+      Highness would be so kind.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Ivanhoe's trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket-handkerchief:
+      then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant of the good Knight,
+      Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner (which was argent, a gules
+      cramoisy with three Moors impaled sable): then Wamba gave a lash on his
+      mule's haunch, and Ivanhoe, heaving a great sigh, turned the tail of his
+      war-horse upon the castle of his fathers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane powdering
+      along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his great dray-horse of a
+      charger. &ldquo;Good-by, good luck to you, old brick,&rdquo; cried the Prince, using
+      the vernacular Saxon. &ldquo;Pitch into those Frenchmen; give it 'em over the
+      face and eyes; and I'll stop at home and take care of Mrs. I.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thank you, kinsman,&rdquo; said Ivanhoe&mdash;looking, however, not
+      particularly well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train of each
+      took its different way&mdash;Athelstane's to Rotherwood, Ivanhoe's towards
+      his place of embarkation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and as
+      yellow as a lawyer's parchment; and having longed to quit home any time
+      these three years past, he found himself envying Athelstane, because,
+      forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which symptoms of discontent being
+      observed by the witless Wamba, caused that absurd madman to bring his
+      rebeck over his shoulder from his back, and to sing&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+               &ldquo;ATRA CURA.
+
+     &ldquo;Before I lost my five poor wits,
+     I mind me of a Romish clerk,
+     Who sang how Care, the phantom dark,
+     Beside the belted horseman sits.
+     Methought I saw the griesly sprite
+     Jump up but now behind my Knight.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Perhaps thou didst, knave,&rdquo; said Ivanhoe, looking over his shoulder; and
+      the knave went on with his jingle:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;And though he gallop as he may,
+     I mark that cursed monster black
+     Still sits behind his honor's back,
+     Tight squeezing of his heart alway.
+     Like two black Templars sit they there,
+     Beside one crupper, Knight and Care.
+
+     &ldquo;No knight am I with pennoned spear,
+     To prance upon a bold destrere:
+     I will not have black Care prevail
+     Upon my long-eared charger's tail,
+     For lo, I am a witless fool,
+     And laugh at Grief and ride a mule.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule's sides.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Silence, fool!&rdquo; said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both majestic and
+      wrathful. &ldquo;If thou knowest not care and grief, it is because thou knowest
+      not love, whereof they are the companions. Who can love without an anxious
+      heart? How shall there be joy at meeting, without tears at parting?&rdquo; (&ldquo;I
+      did not see that his honor or my lady shed many anon,&rdquo; thought Wamba the
+      Fool; but he was only a zany, and his mind was not right.) &ldquo;I would not
+      exchange my very sorrows for thine indifference,&rdquo; the knight continued.
+      &ldquo;Where there is a sun, there must be a shadow. If the shadow offend me,
+      shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark? No! I am content with my
+      fate, even such as it is. The Care of which thou speakest, hard though it
+      may vex him, never yet rode down an honest man. I can bear him on my
+      shoulders, and make my way through the world's press in spite of him; for
+      my arm is strong, and my sword is keen, and my shield has no stain on it;
+      and my heart, though it is sad, knows no guile.&rdquo; And here, taking a locket
+      out of his waistcoat (which was made of chain-mail), the knight kissed the
+      token, put it back under the waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and
+      stuck spurs into his horse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid was
+      making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on the knight's
+      part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to the fool,) and so
+      did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe's pompous remarks. They
+      travelled on by slow stages through the whole kingdom, until they came to
+      Dover, whence they took shipping for Calais. And in this little voyage,
+      being exceedingly sea-sick, and besides elated at the thought of meeting
+      his sovereign, the good knight cast away that profound melancholy which
+      had accompanied him during the whole of his land journey.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER II.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE LAST DAYS OF THE LION.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across country to
+      Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses and the rest of his
+      attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who travelled not only as the
+      knight's fool, but as his valet, and who, perched on the roof of the
+      carriage, amused himself by blowing tunes upon the conducteur's French
+      horn. The good King Richard was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin,
+      encamped before a little place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a
+      vassal of the King's, was holding the castle against his sovereign with a
+      resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the part
+      of the Monarch with the Lion Heart. For brave and magnanimous as he was,
+      the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more than another; and,
+      like the royal animal whom he was said to resemble, he commonly tore his
+      adversary to pieces, and then, perchance, had leisure to think how brave
+      the latter had been. The Count of Chalus had found, it was said, a pot of
+      money; the royal Richard wanted it. As the count denied that he had it,
+      why did he not open the gates of his castle at once? It was a clear proof
+      that he was guilty; and the King was determined to punish this rebel, and
+      have his money and his life too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those
+      instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the place a
+      score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been beaten back on
+      every occasion, until he was so savage that it was dangerous to approach
+      the British Lion. The Lion's wife, the lovely Berengaria, scarcely
+      ventured to come near him. He flung the joint-stools in his tent at the
+      heads of the officers of state, and kicked his aides-de-camp round his
+      pavilion; and, in fact, a maid of honor, who brought a sack-posset in to
+      his Majesty from the Queen after he came in from the assault, came
+      spinning like a football out of the royal tent just as Ivanhoe entered it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!&rdquo; roared out the infuriate King.
+      &ldquo;By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the sack! By St. Wittikind, I
+      will have her flayed alive. Ha, St. George! ha, St. Richard! whom have we
+      here?&rdquo; And he lifted up his demi-culverin, or curtal-axe&mdash;a weapon
+      weighing about thirteen hundredweight&mdash;and was about to fling it at
+      the intruder's head, when the latter, kneeling gracefully on one knee,
+      said calmly, &ldquo;It is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the
+      henpecked!&rdquo; cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor, flinging
+      away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed (it lighted three
+      hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon, who was smoking a cigar
+      at the door of his tent, and caused that redoubted warrior to limp for
+      some days after). &ldquo;What, Wilfrid my gossip? Art come to see the lion's
+      den? There are bones in it, man, bones and carcasses, and the lion is
+      angry,&rdquo; said the King, with a terrific glare of his eyes. &ldquo;But tush! we
+      will talk of that anon. Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for the King and
+      the good Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe. Thou art come in time, Wilfrid, for,
+      by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand assault to-morrow.
+      There will be bones broken, ha!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I care not, my liege,&rdquo; said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign respectfully,
+      and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of hypocras to his
+      Highness's good health. And he at once appeared to be taken into high
+      favor; not a little to the envy of many of the persons surrounding the
+      King.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty before
+      Chalus. Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the castle, but it
+      was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his gallant garrison, that
+      each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties returning disconsolately to
+      their tents, leaving behind them many of their own slain, and bringing
+      back with them store of broken heads and maimed limbs, received in the
+      unsuccessful onset. The valor displayed by Ivanhoe in all these contests
+      was prodigious; and the way in which he escaped death from the discharges
+      of mangonels, catapults, battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling
+      oil, and other artillery, with which the besieged received their enemies,
+      was remarkable. After a day's fighting, Gurth and Wamba used to pick the
+      arrows out of their intrepid master's coat-of-mail, as if they had been so
+      many almonds in a pudding. 'Twas well for the good knight, that under his
+      first coat-of armor he wore a choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly
+      impervious to arrow-shots, and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac
+      of York, to whom he had done some considerable services a few years back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated failures of
+      his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice was blinded in the
+      lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the first to acknowledge the
+      valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would have given him a Peerage and
+      the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a dozen times in the course of the
+      siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a dozen storming parties, and with his
+      own hand killed as many men (viz, two thousand three hundred and
+      fifty-one) within six, as were slain by the lion-hearted monarch himself.
+      But his Majesty was rather disgusted than pleased by his faithful
+      servant's prowess; and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for his
+      superior valor and dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of
+      hundreds of them of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings
+      host could not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the
+      royal mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of
+      arms with an evil eye. Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King that Sir
+      Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill more men than
+      Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de Toadhole said that Ivanhoe
+      stated everywhere that his Majesty was not the man he used to be; that
+      pleasures and drink had enervated him; that he could neither ride, nor
+      strike a blow with sword or axe, as he had been enabled to do in the old
+      times in Palestine: and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault, in which
+      they had very nearly carried the place, and in which onset Ivanhoe slew
+      seven, and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de Chalus, its
+      defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his banner before
+      the King's upon the wall; and only rescued himself from utter disgrace by
+      saving his Majesty's life several times in the course of this most
+      desperate onslaught.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then the luckless knight's very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected
+      readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men&mdash;nor was Ivanhoe
+      liked by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard. His young
+      Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the pleasure-loving
+      monarch. His Majesty would transact business in the morning, then fight
+      severely from after breakfast till about three o'clock in the afternoon;
+      from which time, until after midnight, there was nothing but jigging and
+      singing, feasting and revelry, in the royal tents. Ivanhoe, who was asked
+      as a matter of ceremony, and forced to attend these entertainments, not
+      caring about the blandishments of any of the ladies present, looked on at
+      their ogling and dancing with a countenance as glum as an undertaker's,
+      and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst of the festivities. His
+      favorite resort and conversation were with a remarkably austere hermit,
+      who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus, and with whom Ivanhoe loved to
+      talk about Palestine, and the Jews, and other grave matters of import,
+      better than to mingle in the gayest amusements of the court of King
+      Richard. Many a night, when the Queen and the ladies were dancing
+      quadrilles and polkas (in which his Majesty, who was enormously stout as
+      well as tall, insisted upon figuring, and in which he was about as
+      graceful as an elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe would steal away from
+      the ball, and come and have a night's chat under the moon with his
+      reverend friend. It pained him to see a man of the King's age and size
+      dancing about with the young folks. They laughed at his Majesty whilst
+      they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor mimicked the royal
+      mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe ever could have laughed, he
+      certainly would one night when the King, in light-blue satin
+      inexpressibles, with his hair in powder, chose to dance the minuet de la
+      cour with the little Queen Berangeria.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and begin to
+      sing. He was said to compose his own songs&mdash;words and music&mdash;but
+      those who have read Lord Campobello's &ldquo;Lives of the Lord Chancellors&rdquo; are
+      aware that there was a person by the name of Blondel, who, in fact, did
+      all the musical part of the King's performances; and as for the words,
+      when a king writes verses, we may be sure there will be plenty of people
+      to admire his poetry. His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which he had
+      stolen every idea, to an air that was ringing on all the barrel-organs of
+      Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would say, &ldquo;How do you
+      like that? I dashed it off this morning.&rdquo; Or, &ldquo;Blondel, what do you think
+      of this movement in B flat?&rdquo; or what not; and the courtiers and Blondel,
+      you may be sure, would applaud with all their might, like hypocrites as
+      they were.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One evening&mdash;it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed&mdash;his
+      Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a quantity of
+      his so-called composition, until the people were fairly tired of clapping
+      with their hands and laughing in their sleeves. First he sang an ORIGINAL
+      air and poem, beginning
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose,
+     Fresh and fair ones, who'll refuse?&rdquo; &amp;c.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the day
+      before yesterday. Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic melody, of which
+      the chorus was
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea,
+     For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be,&rdquo; &amp;c.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except
+      Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until the King
+      questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said &ldquo;he thought he had heard
+      something very like the air and the words elsewhere.&rdquo; His Majesty scowled
+      at him a savage glance from under his red bushy eyebrows; but Ivanhoe had
+      saved the royal life that day, and the King, therefore, with difficulty
+      controlled his indignation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard THIS
+      song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath after the
+      melee. Did I not, Blondel?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty had
+      done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his great red
+      fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as follows:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     &ldquo;COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL.
+
+     &ldquo;The Pope he is a happy man,
+     His Palace is the Vatican,
+     And there he sits and drains his can:
+     The Pope he is a happy man.
+     I often say when I'm at home,
+     I'd like to be the Pope of Rome.
+
+     &ldquo;And then there's Sultan Saladin,
+     That Turkish Soldan full of sin;
+     He has a hundred wives at least,
+     By which his pleasure is increased:
+     I've often wished, I hope no sin,
+     That I were Sultan Saladin.
+
+     &ldquo;But no, the Pope no wife may choose,
+     And so I would not wear his shoes;
+     No wine may drink the proud Paynim,
+     And so I'd rather not be him:
+     My wife, my wine, I love I hope,
+     And would be neither Turk nor Pope.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Encore! Encore! Bravo! Bis!&rdquo; Everybody applauded the King's song with all
+      his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved his abominable gravity:
+      and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite whether he had heard that too,
+      said firmly, &ldquo;Yes, Roger de Backbite; and so hast thou if thou darest but
+      tell the truth.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again,&rdquo; bawled the King in
+      a fury, &ldquo;if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may I die in
+      to-morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song. Sing thyself, Wilfrid of
+      the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could'st sing a good song in old times.&rdquo; And with
+      all his might, and with a forced laugh, the King, who loved brutal
+      practical jests, flung his guitar at the head of Ivanhoe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an elegant bow
+      to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                             &ldquo;KING CANUTE.
+
+     &ldquo;King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score,
+     Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing
+     more;
+     And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore.
+
+     &ldquo;'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps
+          sedate,
+     Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks
+          great,
+     Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,&mdash;all the officers of state.
+
+     &ldquo;Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause,
+     If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped
+          their jaws;
+     If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws.
+
+     &ldquo;But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and
+        young:
+     Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen
+        sung,
+     Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her
+        tongue.
+
+     &ldquo;'Something ails my gracious master,' cried the Keeper of the Seal.
+     'Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?'
+     'Psha!' exclaimed the angry monarch.  'Keeper, 'tis not that I
+          feel.
+
+     &ldquo;''Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest
+          impair:
+     Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care?
+     Oh, I'm sick, and tired, and weary.'&mdash;Some one cried, 'The King's
+        arm-chair?'
+
+     &ldquo;Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded,
+     Straight the King's great chair was brought him, by two footmen
+        able-bodied;
+     Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded.
+
+     &ldquo;'Leading on my fierce companions,' cried be, 'over storm and
+          brine,
+     I have fought and I have conquered!  Where was glory like to mine?'
+     Loudly all the courtiers echoed: 'Where is glory like to thine?'
+
+     &ldquo;'What avail me all my kingdoms?  Weary am I now, and old;
+     Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold;
+     Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould!
+
+     &ldquo;'Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites;
+     Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights;
+     Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights.
+
+     &ldquo;'Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires;
+     Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered
+     sires.'&mdash;Such a tender conscience,' cries the Bishop, 'every
+          one admires.
+
+     &ldquo;'But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to
+         search,
+     They're forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church;
+     Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch.
+
+     &ldquo;'Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace's
+          bounty raised;
+     Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily
+          praised:
+     YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I'm amazed!'
+
+     &ldquo;'Nay, I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near.'
+     'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a
+     tear).
+     'Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty
+          year.'
+
+     &ldquo;'Live these fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to
+          suit.
+     'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute!
+     Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do't.
+
+     &ldquo;'Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela,
+     Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn't the King as well as
+     they?'
+     'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, 'fervently I trust he may.'
+
+     &ldquo;'HE to die?' resumed the Bishop.  'He a mortal like to US?
+     Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus:
+     Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus.
+
+     &ldquo;'With his wondrous skill in healing ne'er a doctor can compete,
+     Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet;
+     Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet.
+
+     &ldquo;'Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill,
+     And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still?
+     So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.'
+
+     &ldquo;'Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?' Canute cried;
+     'Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride?
+     If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide.
+
+     &ldquo;'Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?'
+     Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, 'Land and sea, my lord, are thine.'
+     Canute turned towards the ocean&mdash;'Back!' he said, 'thou foaming
+     brine
+
+     &ldquo;'From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat;
+     Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master's seat:
+     Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!'
+
+     &ldquo;But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar,
+     And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore;
+     Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore.
+
+     &ldquo;And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay,
+     But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey:
+     And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day.
+     King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as a
+      sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some affected to
+      be asleep and snore outright. But Roger de Backbite thinking to curry
+      favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity, his Majesty fetched him a
+      knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear, which, I warrant me, wakened
+      Master Roger; to whom the King said, &ldquo;Listen and be civil, slave; Wilfrid
+      is singing about thee.&mdash;Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but it is to the
+      purpose, and I have grown cool during thy homily. Give me thy hand, honest
+      friend. Ladies, good night. Gentlemen, we give the grand assault
+      to-morrow; when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall not be before
+      mine.&rdquo;&mdash;And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty, retired into the
+      private pavilion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER III.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      ST. GEORGE FOR ENGLAND.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp outside
+      the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most miserable plight
+      that may be conceived. Hunger, as well as the fierce assaults of the
+      besiegers, had made dire ravages in the place. The garrison's provisions
+      of corn and cattle, their very horses, dogs, and donkeys had been eaten up&mdash;so
+      that it might well be said by Wamba &ldquo;that famine, as well as slaughter,
+      had THINNED the garrison.&rdquo; When the men of Chalus came on the walls to
+      defend it against the scaling-parties of King Richard, they were like so
+      many skeletons in armor; they could hardly pull their bowstrings at last,
+      or pitch down stones on the heads of his Majesty's party, so weak had
+      their arms become; and the gigantic Count of Chalus&mdash;a warrior as
+      redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard Plantagenet himself&mdash;was
+      scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe upon the day of that last assault,
+      when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran him through the&mdash;but we are advancing
+      matters.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which the
+      Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his heroic sons
+      and garrison?&mdash;Nothing, but that Dante has already done the business
+      in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my efforts might be
+      considered as mere imitations. Why should I not, if I were minded to revel
+      in horrifying details, show you how the famished garrison drew lots, and
+      ate themselves during the siege; and how the unlucky lot falling upon the
+      Countess of Chalus, that heroic woman, taking an affectionate leave of her
+      family, caused her large caldron in the castle kitchen to be set
+      a-boiling, had onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and salt made ready, to
+      make a savory soup, as the French like it; and when all things were quite
+      completed, kissed her children, jumped into the caldron from off a kitchen
+      stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel bed-gown? Dear friends, it is
+      not from want of imagination, or from having no turn for the terrible or
+      pathetic, that I spare you these details. I could give you some
+      description that would spoil your dinner and night's rest, and make your
+      hair stand on end. But why harrow your feelings? Fancy all the tortures
+      and horrors that possibly can occur in a beleaguered and famished castle:
+      fancy the feelings of men who know that no more quarter will be given them
+      than they would get if they were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and
+      brought to trial by his Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then let us
+      rush on to the breach and prepare once more to meet the assault of
+      dreadful King Richard and his men.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having copiously
+      partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and advanced with his
+      host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus. Arthur de Pendennis bore his
+      banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on the King's right hand. Molyneux,
+      Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed crosier and mitre for that day, and though
+      fat and pursy, panted up the breach with the most resolute spirit, roaring
+      out war-cries and curses, and wielding a prodigious mace of iron, with
+      which he did good execution. Roger de Backbite was forced to come in
+      attendance upon the sovereign, but took care to keep in the rear of his
+      august master, and to shelter behind his huge triangular shield as much as
+      possible. Many lords of note followed the King and bore the ladders; and
+      as they were placed against the wall, the air was perfectly dark with the
+      shower of arrows which the French archers poured out at the besiegers, and
+      the cataract of stones, kettles, bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery,
+      umbrellas, congreve-rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other
+      missiles which the desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party. The
+      King received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany
+      wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an ox, and
+      would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off skilfully.
+      Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them like grass beneath
+      the scythe of the mower.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining round: the
+      King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount them. Chalus stood in
+      the breach, borrowing strength from despair; and roaring out, &ldquo;Ha!
+      Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!&rdquo; he dealt the King a crack across
+      the helmet with his battle-axe, which shore off the gilt lion and crown
+      that surmounted the steel cap. The King bent and reeled back; the
+      besiegers were dismayed; the garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a
+      shout of triumph: but it was premature.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in tierce,
+      which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him through as
+      clean as a spit does a partridge. Uttering a horrid shriek, he fell back
+      writhing; the King recovering staggered up the parapet; the rush of
+      knights followed, and the union-jack was planted triumphantly on the
+      walls, just as Ivanhoe,&mdash;but we must leave him for a moment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ha, St. Richard!&mdash;ha, St. George!&rdquo; the tremendous voice of the
+      Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset. At every sweep of
+      his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting trunk tumbled,
+      bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan. The world hath never seen a
+      warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet, as he raged over the keep,
+      his eyes flashing fire through the bars of his morion, snorting and
+      chafing with the hot lust of battle. One by one les enfans de Chalus had
+      fallen; there was only one left at last of all the brave race that had
+      fought round the gallant Count:&mdash;only one, and but a boy, a
+      fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed boy! he had been gathering pansies in the
+      fields but yesterday&mdash;it was but a few years, and he was a baby in
+      his mother's arms! What could his puny sword do against the most redoubted
+      blade in Christendom?&mdash;and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of
+      England, and met him foot to foot! Turn away, turn away, my dear young
+      friends and kind-hearted ladies! Do not look at that ill-fated poor boy!
+      his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the conqueror, and
+      the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges,&rdquo; said Bertrand de Gourdon, &ldquo;the butcher
+      will never strike down yonder lambling! Hold thy hand, Sir King, or, by
+      St. Barbacue&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his shoulder,
+      the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the next moment
+      crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      'Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon! Maddened by the pain of the
+      wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish appetite for
+      blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and with a curse too
+      horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal butcher fell down on
+      the blond ringlets of the child, and the children of Chalus were no more!
+      . . .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT be
+      done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as in the
+      battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one of whose
+      works this present masterpiece is professedly a continuation, everything
+      passes off agreeably&mdash;the people are slain, but without any
+      unpleasant sensation to the reader; nay, some of the most savage and
+      blood-stained characters of history, such is the indomitable good-humor of
+      the great novelist, become amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a
+      hearty sympathy&mdash;so, if you please, we will have this fighting
+      business at Chalus, and the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon,
+      disposed of; the former, according to the usage of the good old times,
+      having been hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the
+      manner described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of Bertrand
+      de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero&mdash;and that from that 29th of
+      March he never robbed nor murdered any more. And we have legends in
+      recondite books of the manner of the King's death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You must die, my son,&rdquo; said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as Berengaria
+      was carried shrieking from the King's tent. &ldquo;Repent, Sir King, and
+      separate yourself from your children!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It is ill jesting with a dying man,&rdquo; replied the King. &ldquo;Children have I
+      none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Richard of England,&rdquo; said the archbishop, turning up his fine eyes, &ldquo;your
+      vices are your children. Ambition is your eldest child, Cruelty is your
+      second child, Luxury is your third child; and you have nourished them from
+      your youth up. Separate yourself from these sinful ones, and prepare your
+      soul, for the hour of departure draweth nigh.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England met his
+      death like a Christian man. Peace be to the soul of the brave! When the
+      news came to King Philip of France, he sternly forbade his courtiers to
+      rejoice at the death of his enemy. &ldquo;It is no matter of joy but of dolor,&rdquo;
+       he said, &ldquo;that the bulwark of Christendom and the bravest king of Europe
+      is no more.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left in the
+      act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus through the
+      body?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse of his
+      fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a dagger into his
+      back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open (for Sir Wilfrid had
+      armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his breast, not his back, that
+      he was accustomed ordinarily to protect); and when poor Wamba came up on
+      the rampart, which he did when the fighting was over,&mdash;being such a
+      fool that he could not be got to thrust his head into danger for glory's
+      sake&mdash;he found his dear knight with the dagger in his back lying
+      without life upon the body of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon slain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed! How he
+      lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend! What mattered it
+      to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to his tent, and that
+      Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive? At another time the sight of this
+      spectacle might have amused the simple knave; but now all his thoughts
+      were of his lord: so good, so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so frank with the
+      great, so tender to the poor, so truthful of speech, so modest regarding
+      his own merit, so true a gentleman, in a word, that anybody might, with
+      reason, deplore him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As Wamba opened the dear knight's corselet, he found a locket round his
+      neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my Lady
+      Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black, Wamba thought,
+      as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight had rescued in the lists
+      of Templestowe. A bit of Rowena's hair was in Sir Wilfrid's possession,
+      too; but that was in his purse along with his seal of arms, and a couple
+      of groats: for the good knight never kept any money, so generous was he of
+      his largesses when money came in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket of hair
+      round his master's neck, and when he returned to England never said a word
+      about the circumstance. After all, how should he know whose hair it was?
+      It might have been the knight's grandmother's hair for aught the fool
+      knew; so he kept his counsel when he brought back the sad news and tokens
+      to the disconsolate widow at Rotherwood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed sat by
+      it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when, seeing two
+      suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he fled in dismay,
+      supposing that they were marauders who were out searching for booty among
+      the dead bodies; and having not the least courage, he fled from these, and
+      tumbled down the breach, and never stopped running as fast as his legs
+      would carry him, until he reached the tent of his late beloved master.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The news of the knight's demise, it appeared, had been known at his
+      quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden off on
+      his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much as a
+      shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and blankets had been
+      carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants. Who had slain Ivanhoe? That
+      remains a mystery to the present day; but Roger de Backbite, whose nose he
+      had pulled for defamation, and who was behind him in the assault at
+      Chalus, was seen two years afterwards at the court of King John in an
+      embroidered velvet waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had worked
+      for Ivanhoe, and about which the widow would have made some little noise,
+      but that&mdash;but that she was no longer a widow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned, for
+      she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York could supply,
+      and erected a monument to his memory as big as a minster. But she was a
+      lady of such fine principles, that she did not allow her grief to
+      overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily arising for uniting the two
+      best Saxon families in England, by an alliance between herself and the
+      gentleman who offered himself to her, Rowena sacrificed her inclination to
+      remain single, to her sense of duty; and contracted a second matrimonial
+      engagement.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with life, and
+      novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly natural and
+      edifying, can for a moment doubt. Cardinal Pandulfo tied the knot for
+      them: and lest there should be any doubt about Ivanhoe's death (for his
+      body was never sent home after all, nor seen after Wamba ran away from
+      it), his Eminence procured a Papal decree annulling the former marriage,
+      so that Rowena became Mrs. Athelstane with a clear conscience. And who
+      shall be surprised, if she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane
+      than with the gentle and melancholy Wilfrid? Did women never have a
+      predilection for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with
+      donkeys, before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania? Ah! Mary,
+      had you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack Bray,
+      when a Michael Angelo offered? Ah! Fanny, were you not a woman, would you
+      persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and comes home tipsy from
+      the Club? Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times more about tipsy Athelstane
+      than ever she had done for gentle Ivanhoe, and so great was her
+      infatuation about the former, that she would sit upon his knee in the
+      presence of all her maidens, and let him smoke his cigars in the very
+      drawing-room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who piqued
+      himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the death of her
+      late lord:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus:
+     Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia
+     Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat:
+     Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit.
+     Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa,
+     Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of the
+      Latin lines:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                 &ldquo;REQUIESCAT.
+
+     &ldquo;Under the stone you behold,
+     Buried, and coffined, and cold,
+     Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold.
+
+     &ldquo;Always he marched in advance,
+     Warring in Flanders and France,
+     Doughty with sword and with lance.
+
+     &ldquo;Famous in Saracen fight,
+     Rode in his youth the good knight,
+     Scattering Paynims in flight.
+
+     &ldquo;Brian the Templar untrue,
+     Fairly in tourney he slew,
+     Saw Hierusalem too.
+
+     &ldquo;Now he is buried and gone,
+     Lying beneath the gray stone:
+     Where shall you find such a one?
+
+     &ldquo;Long time his widow deplored,
+     Weeping the fate of her lord,
+     Sadly cut off by the sword.
+
+     &ldquo;When she was eased of her pain,
+     Came the good Lord Athelstane,
+     When her ladyship married again.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last line,
+      but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane interceded;
+      and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      IVANHOE REDIVIVUS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last
+      chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead. Because we have given him
+      an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons that he should be
+      really gone out of the world? No: as in the pantomime, when we see Clown
+      and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and cry over him, we are always sure that
+      Master Harlequin will be up at the next minute alert and shining in his
+      glistening coat; and, after giving a box on the ears to the pair of them,
+      will be taking a dance with Columbine, or leaping gayly through the
+      clock-face, or into the three-pair-of-stairs' window:&mdash;so Sir
+      Wilfrid, the Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be run through a
+      little, or may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly rise up again
+      when he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no
+      cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no other than
+      Ivanhoe's friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of his, who visited
+      the scene of the late battle in order to see if any Christians still
+      survived there, whom they might shrive and get ready for heaven, or to
+      whom they might possibly offer the benefit of their skill as leeches. Both
+      were prodigiously learned in the healing art; and had about them those
+      precious elixirs which so often occur in romances, and with which patients
+      are so miraculously restored. Abruptly dropping his master's head from his
+      lap as he fled, poor Wamba caused the knight's pate to fall with rather a
+      heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave had but stayed a minute
+      longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a deep groan. But though the
+      fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and to recognize the gallant
+      Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger still sticking out of his back,
+      to wash the wound with a portion of the precious elixir, and to pour a
+      little of it down his throat, was with the excellent hermits the work of
+      an instant: which remedies being applied, one of the good men took the
+      knight by the heels and the other by the head, and bore him daintily from
+      the castle to their hermitage in a neighboring rock. As for the Count of
+      Chalus, and the remainder of the slain, the hermits were too much occupied
+      with Ivanhoe's case to mind them, and did not, it appears, give them any
+      elixir: so that, if they are really dead, they must stay on the rampart
+      stark and cold; or if otherwise, when the scene closes upon them as it
+      does now, they may get up, shake themselves, go to the slips and drink a
+      pot of porter, or change their stage-clothes and go home to supper. My
+      dear readers, you may settle the matter among yourselves as you like. If
+      you wish to kill the characters really off, let them be dead, and have
+      done with them: but, entre nous, I don't believe they are any more dead
+      than you or I are, and sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable
+      of truth in this whole story.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits' cell, and there doctored by the
+      holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and dangerous
+      order, that he was under medical treatment for a very considerable time.
+      When he woke up from his delirium, and asked how long he had been ill,
+      fancy his astonishment when he heard that he had been in the fever for six
+      years! He thought the reverend fathers were joking at first, but their
+      profession forbade them from that sort of levity; and besides, he could
+      not possibly have got well any sooner, because the story would have been
+      sadly put out had he appeared earlier. And it proves how good the fathers
+      were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger de Backbite's
+      dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under this great length
+      of time; during the whole of which the fathers tended him without ever
+      thinking of a fee. I know of a kind physician in this town who does as
+      much sometimes; but I won't do him the ill service of mentioning his name
+      here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard, which by
+      this time hung down considerably below his knees, and calling for his suit
+      of chain-armor, which before had fitted his elegant person as tight as
+      wax, now put it on, and it bagged and hung so loosely about him, that even
+      the good friars laughed at his absurd appearance. It was impossible that
+      he should go about the country in such a garb as that: the very boys would
+      laugh at him: so the friars gave him one of their old gowns, in which he
+      disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell of his
+      friends, set forth on his return to his native country. As he went along,
+      he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that Prince Arthur
+      had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted with various other
+      facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock's Catechism and the
+      Historic Page.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own private
+      affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him, and his
+      pilgrim's staff shook with emotion, as at length, after many perils, he
+      came in sight of his paternal mansion of Rotherwood, and saw once more the
+      chimneys smoking, the shadows of the oaks over the grass in the sunset,
+      and the rooks winging over the trees. He heard the supper gong sounding:
+      he knew his way to the door well enough; he entered the familiar hall with
+      a benedicite, and without any more words took his place.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled and his
+      shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself presently: nor
+      could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered his face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A little boy was playing on Athelstane's knee; Rowena smiling and patting
+      the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a huge cup of
+      spiced wine from a golden jug. He drained a quart of the liquor, and,
+      turning round, addressed the friar:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus by the
+      bolt of that felon bowman?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We did, an it please you. The brothers of our house attended the good
+      King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian ending!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And didst thou see the archer flayed alive? It must have been rare
+      sport,&rdquo; roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke. &ldquo;How the fellow
+      must have howled!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My love!&rdquo; said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty white
+      finger on his lip.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I would have liked to see it too,&rdquo; cried the boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That's my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt. And, friar, didst see my
+      poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe? They say he fought well at Chalus!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My sweet lord,&rdquo; again interposed Rowena, &ldquo;mention him not.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why? Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore&mdash;when you
+      could not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Those times are past now, dear Athelstane,&rdquo; said his affectionate wife,
+      looking up to the ceiling.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The odious hussy! don't mention the name of the unbelieving creature,&rdquo;
+       exclaimed the lady.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad&mdash;a thought melancholy and
+      milksop though. Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance,&rdquo; said the friar. &ldquo;I have heard
+      there was none better in Christendom. He lay in our convent after his
+      wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died. He was buried in our
+      north cloister.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And there's an end of him,&rdquo; said Athelstane. &ldquo;But come, this is dismal
+      talk. Where's Wamba the Jester? Let us have a song. Stir up, Wamba, and
+      don't lie like a dog in the fire! Sing us a song, thou crack-brained
+      jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones. Tush, man! There be many
+      good fellows left in this world.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There be buzzards in eagles' nests,&rdquo; Wamba said, who was lying stretched
+      before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane's dogs. &ldquo;There be dead
+      men alive, and live men dead. There be merry songs and dismal songs.
+      Marry, and the merriest are the saddest sometimes. I will leave off motley
+      and wear black, gossip Athelstane. I will turn howler at funerals, and
+      then, perhaps, I shall be merry. Motley is fit for mutes, and black for
+      fools. Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is as cracked as my
+      brain.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating,&rdquo; the Thane said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side and
+      curled his lean shanks together and began:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                 &ldquo;LOVE AT TWO SCORE.
+
+          &ldquo;Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin,
+             That never has known the barber's shear,
+          All your aim is woman to win&mdash;
+          This is the way that boys begin&mdash;
+            Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+          &ldquo;Curly gold locks cover foolish brains,
+             Billing and cooing is all your cheer,
+           Sighing and singing of midnight strains
+           Under Bonnybells' window-panes.
+             Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+          &ldquo;Forty times over let Michaelmas pass,
+             Grizzling hair the brain doth clear;
+           Then you know a boy is an ass,
+           Then you know the worth of a lass,
+             Once you have come to forty year.
+
+          &ldquo;Pledge me round, I bid ye declare,
+             All good fellows whose beards are gray:
+           Did not the fairest of the fair
+           Common grow, and wearisome, ere
+             Ever a month was passed away?
+
+          &ldquo;The reddest lips that ever have kissed,
+             The brightest eyes that ever have shone,
+           May pray and whisper and we not list,
+           Or look away and never be missed,
+             Ere yet ever a month was gone.
+
+          &ldquo;Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier,
+             How I loved her twenty years syne!
+           Marian's married, but I sit here,
+           Alive and merry at forty year,
+             Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?&rdquo; roared
+      Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the chorus.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst, that
+      you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we knew King
+      Richard. Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good priest.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love,&rdquo; said
+      Rowena. &ldquo;His Majesty hath taken him into much favor. My Lord of Huntingdon
+      looked very well at the last ball; but I never could see any beauty in the
+      Countess&mdash;a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they used to call Maid
+      Marian: though, for the matter of that, what between her flirtations with
+      Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, really&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Jealous again&mdash;haw! haw!&rdquo; laughed Athelstane.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I am above jealousy, and scorn it,&rdquo; Rowena answered, drawing herself up
+      very majestically.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, well, Wamba's was a good song,&rdquo; Athelstane said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nay, a wicked song,&rdquo; said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. &ldquo;What!
+      rail at woman's love? Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true wife? Woman's
+      love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it would be a blasphemer
+      were he not a fool. The well-born and well-nurtured gentlewoman loves once
+      and once only.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I pray you, madam, pardon me, I&mdash;I am not well,&rdquo; said the gray
+      friar, rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the steps of
+      the dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as he rose, and
+      casting his arms around the apparently fainting man, he led him away into
+      the court. &ldquo;There be dead men alive and live men dead,&rdquo; whispered he.
+      &ldquo;There be coffins to laugh at and marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth,
+      holy friar?&rdquo; And when they had got out into the solitary court, which was
+      deserted by all the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the
+      drunken revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt down,
+      and kissing the friar's garment, said, &ldquo;I knew thee, I knew thee, my lord
+      and my liege!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Get up,&rdquo; said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate: &ldquo;only
+      fools are faithful.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay buried.
+      All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester lay outside
+      watching as mute as the saint over the porch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the habit of
+      wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice was taken of his
+      absence by a master and mistress who had not much sense of humor. As for
+      Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of feelings could not be expected
+      to remain in a house where things so naturally disagreeable to him were
+      occurring, and he quitted Rotherwood incontinently, after paying a dutiful
+      visit to the tomb where his old father, Cedric, was buried; and hastened
+      on to York, at which city he made himself known to the family attorney, a
+      most respectable man, in whose hands his ready money was deposited, and
+      took up a sum sufficient to fit himself out with credit, and a handsome
+      retinue, as became a knight of consideration. But he changed his name,
+      wore a wig and spectacles, and disguised himself entirely, so that it was
+      impossible his friends or the public should know him, and thus
+      metamorphosed, went about whithersoever his fancy led him. He was present
+      at a public ball at York, which the lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de
+      Coverley in the very same set with Rowena&mdash;(who was disgusted that
+      Maid Marian took precedence of her)&mdash;he saw little Athelstane overeat
+      himself at the supper and pledge his big father in a cup of sack; he met
+      the Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary meeting, where he seconded a
+      resolution proposed by that eminent divine;&mdash;in fine, he saw a score
+      of his old acquaintances, none of whom recognized in him the warrior of
+      Palestine and Templestowe. Having a large fortune and nothing to do, he
+      went about this country performing charities, slaying robbers, rescuing
+      the distressed, and achieving noble feats of arms. Dragons and giants
+      existed in his day no more, or be sure he would have had a fling at them:
+      for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life
+      which the hermits of Chalus had restored to him, and felt himself so
+      friendless and solitary that he would not have been sorry to come to an
+      end of it. Ah, my dear friends and intelligent British public, are there
+      not others who are melancholy under a mask of gayety, and who, in the
+      midst of crowds, are lonely? Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi
+      had feelings; and there are others I wot of:&mdash;but psha!&mdash;let us
+      have the next chapter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER V.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      IVANHOE TO THE RESCUE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of Richard of
+      the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his relatives, his
+      nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and set forth clearly in
+      the Historic Page: hence, although nothing, except perhaps success, can,
+      in my opinion, excuse disaffection to the sovereign, or appearance in
+      armed rebellion against him, the loyal reader will make allowance for two
+      of the principal personages of this narrative, who will have to appear in
+      the present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their lord and
+      king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the fault of
+      Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly punished, as
+      you shall presently hear,) that the monarch exasperated his subjects in a
+      variety of ways,&mdash;that before he murdered his royal nephew, Prince
+      Arthur, there was a great question whether he was the rightful king of
+      England at all,&mdash;that his behavior as an uncle, and a family man, was
+      likely to wound the feelings of any lady and mother,&mdash;finally, that
+      there were palliations for the conduct of Rowena and Ivanhoe, which it now
+      becomes our duty to relate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was one of
+      the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court at once, and
+      retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made use of by her, and
+      derogatory to the character of the sovereign, were carried to the
+      monarch's ears, by some of those parasites, doubtless, by whom it is the
+      curse of kings to be attended; and John swore, by St. Peter's teeth, that
+      he would be revenged upon the haughty Saxon lady,&mdash;a kind of oath
+      which, though he did not trouble himself about all other oaths, he was
+      never known to break. It was not for some years after he had registered
+      this vow, that he was enabled to keep it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his horrid
+      designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir Wilfrid would
+      have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe was, as we need
+      scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the custom and duty of all
+      gentlemen of that profession to be present on all occasions of historic
+      interest, to be engaged in all conspiracies, royal interviews, and
+      remarkable occurrences: and hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have rescued
+      the young Prince, had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of Rouen, where
+      the foul tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred leagues off, at
+      Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his bed as crazy as a
+      Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue (which he had
+      caught up during a previous illness in which he was tended by a maiden of
+      that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben Isaacs, of whom, being a married
+      man, he never would have thought, had he been in his sound senses. During
+      this delirium, what were politics to him, or he to politics? King John or
+      King Arthur was entirely indifferent to a man who announced to his
+      nurse-tenders, the good hermits of Chalus before mentioned, that he was
+      the Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. In
+      a word, he only heard of what had occurred when he reached England, and
+      his senses were restored to him. Whether was he happier, sound of brain
+      and entirely miserable, (as any man would be who found so admirable a wife
+      as Rowena married again,) or perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful
+      Rebecca? I don't know which he liked best.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so thorough a
+      detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be brought to take
+      service under him; to get himself presented at St. James's, or in any way
+      to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, the authority of the sanguinary
+      successor of his beloved King Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, I
+      need scarcely say, who got the Barons of England to league together and
+      extort from the king that famous instrument and palladium of our liberties
+      at present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury&mdash;the
+      Magna Charta. His name does not naturally appear in the list of Barons,
+      because he was only a knight, and a knight in disguise too: nor does
+      Athelstane's signature figure on that document. Athelstane, in the first
+      place, could not write; nor did he care a pennypiece about politics, so
+      long as he could drink his wine at home undisturbed, and have his hunting
+      and shooting in quiet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of every
+      gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic Page that
+      this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into open rebellion,
+      along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. It is recorded of the
+      King, that he forbade every man to hunt his own deer; and, in order to
+      secure an obedience to his orders, this Herod of a monarch wanted to
+      secure the eldest sons of all the nobility and gentry, as hostages for the
+      good behavior of their parents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Athelstane was anxious about his game&mdash;Rowena was anxious about her
+      son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all Norman
+      tyrants&mdash;the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the ruffian
+      who had murdered his own nephew?* The speeches of both were brought to the
+      King at York; and, furious, he ordered an instant attack upon Rotherwood,
+      and that the lord and lady of that castle should be brought before him
+      dead or alive.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     *See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and
+     Pinnock's Catechism.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to defend
+      the castle against the royal party? A few thrusts from his lance would
+      have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host: a few cuts from his
+      sword would have put John's forces to rout. But the lance and sword of
+      Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. &ldquo;No, be hanged to me!&rdquo; said the
+      knight, bitterly, &ldquo;THIS is a quarrel in which I can't interfere. Common
+      politeness forbids. Let yonder ale-swilling Athelstane defend his&mdash;ha,
+      ha&mdash;WIFE; and my Lady Rowena guard her&mdash;ha, ha, ha&mdash;SON.&rdquo;
+       And he laughed wildly and madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked
+      and gurgled out the words &ldquo;wife&rdquo; and &ldquo;son&rdquo; would have made you shudder to
+      hear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege, Athelstane
+      had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for good, and not to come
+      to life again as he had done before,) and that the widow (if so the
+      innocent bigamist may be called) was conducting the defence of Rotherwood
+      herself with the greatest intrepidity, showing herself upon the walls with
+      her little son, (who bellowed like a bull, and did not like the fighting
+      at all,) pointing the guns and encouraging the garrison in every way&mdash;better
+      feelings returned to the bosom of the Knight of Ivanhoe, and summoning his
+      men, he armed himself quickly and determined to go forth to the rescue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the direction of
+      Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for refreshment, indeed,
+      that his men dropped one by one upon the road, and he arrived alone at the
+      lodge-gate of the park. The windows were smashed; the door stove in; the
+      lodge, a neat little Swiss cottage, with a garden where the pinafores of
+      Mrs. Gurth's children might have been seen hanging on the
+      gooseberry-bushes in more peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap of
+      smoking ruins: cottage, bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled together,
+      destroyed by the licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch! Far be it
+      from me to excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to their
+      sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and expiring at
+      the flaming and violated threshold of his lately picturesque home. A
+      catapult and a couple of mangonels had done his business. The faithful
+      fellow, recognizing his master, who had put up his visor and forgotten his
+      wig and spectacles in the agitation of the moment, exclaimed, &ldquo;Sir
+      Wilfrid! my dear master&mdash;praised be St. Waltheof&mdash;there may be
+      yet time&mdash;my beloved mistr&mdash;master Athelst . . .&rdquo; He sank back,
+      and never spoke again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue. The
+      castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the besiegers were
+      pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane's banner, the bull rampant, was
+      still on the northern bartizan. &ldquo;An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!&rdquo; he bellowed out,
+      with a shout that overcame all the din of battle: &ldquo;Nostre Dame a la
+      rescousse!&rdquo; And to hurl his lance through the midriff of Reginald de
+      Bracy, who was commanding the assault&mdash;who fell howling with anguish&mdash;to
+      wave his battle-axe over his own head, and cut off those of thirteen
+      men-at-arms, was the work of an instant. &ldquo;An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!&rdquo; he
+      still shouted, and down went a man as sure as he said &ldquo;hoe!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!&rdquo; a shrill voice cried from the top of the northern
+      bartizan. Ivanhoe knew it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Rowena my love, I come!&rdquo; he roared on his part. &ldquo;Villains! touch but a
+      hair of her head, and I . . .&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang forward
+      wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and over upon the
+      knight. All was dark before him; his brain reeled; it whizzed; something
+      came crashing down on his forehead. St. Waltheof and all the saints of the
+      Saxon calendar protect the knight! . . .
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances were
+      leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit's elixir. &ldquo;We arrived here
+      the day after the battle,&rdquo; said the fool; &ldquo;marry, I have a knack of that.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with your
+      worship,&rdquo; said the lieutenant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The day&mdash;after&mdash;the bat&mdash;&rdquo; groaned Ivanhoe. &ldquo;Where is the
+      Lady Rowena?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The castle has been taken and sacked,&rdquo; the lieutenant said, and pointed
+      to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of smoking ruins. Not
+      a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not a single human being!
+      Everything was flame and ruin, smash and murther!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven
+      men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had applied a
+      second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he came to life
+      again. The good knight was, however, from long practice, so accustomed to
+      the severest wounds, that he bore them far more easily than common folk,
+      and thus was enabled to reach York upon a litter, which his men
+      constructed for him, with tolerable ease.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel where he
+      stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at Rotherwood. A minute or
+      two after his horse was stabbed, and Ivanhoe knocked down, the western
+      bartizan was taken by the storming-party which invested it, and every soul
+      slain, except Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon horses and carried
+      away, under a secure guard, to one of the King's castles&mdash;nobody knew
+      whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the hotel-keeper (whose house he
+      had used in former times) to reassume his wig and spectacles, and not call
+      himself by his own name any more, lest some of the King's people should
+      lay hands on him. However, as he had killed everybody round about him,
+      there was but little danger of his discovery; and the Knight of the
+      Spectacles, as he was called, went about York quite unmolested, and at
+      liberty to attend to his own affairs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero's
+      existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection, and the
+      description of mere sentiment is considered by many well-informed persons
+      to be tedious. What WERE his sentiments now, it may be asked, under the
+      peculiar position in which he found himself? He had done his duty by
+      Rowena, certainly: no man could say otherwise. But as for being in love
+      with her any more, after what had occurred, that was a different question.
+      Well, come what would, he was determined still to continue doing his duty
+      by her;&mdash;but as she was whisked away the deuce knew whither, how
+      could he do anything? So he resigned himself to the fact that she was thus
+      whisked away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to find out
+      where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of intelligence;
+      and it was remarked, that he still remained in a perfect state of
+      resignation. He remained in this condition for a year, or more; and it was
+      said that he was becoming more cheerful, and he certainly was growing
+      rather fat. The Knight of the Spectacles was voted an agreeable man in a
+      grave way; and gave some very elegant, though quiet, parties, and was
+      received in the best society of York.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived, and
+      the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney, whom we have
+      mentioned as Sir Wilfrid's man of business, and a most respectable man,
+      called upon his gallant client at his lodgings, and said he had a
+      communication of importance to make. Having to communicate with a client
+      of rank, who was condemned to be hanged for forgery, Sir Roger de
+      Backbite, the attorney said, he had been to visit that party in the
+      condemned cell; and on the way through the yard, and through the bars of
+      another cell, had seen and recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid
+      of Ivanhoe&mdash;and the lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a
+      note, written on a piece of whity-brown paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What were Ivanhoe's sensations when he recognized the handwriting of
+      Rowena!&mdash;he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as follows:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;MY DEAREST IVANHOE,&mdash;For I am thine now as erst, and my first love
+      was ever&mdash;ever dear to me. Have I been near thee dying for a whole
+      year, and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena? Have ye given to
+      others&mdash;I mention not their name nor their odious creed&mdash;the
+      heart that ought to be mine? I send thee my forgiveness from my dying
+      pallet of straw.&mdash;I forgive thee the insults I have received, the
+      cold and hunger I have endured, the failing health of my boy, the
+      bitterness of my prison, thy infatuation about that Jewess, which made our
+      married life miserable, and which caused thee, I am sure, to go abroad to
+      look after her. I forgive thee all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee
+      farewell. Mr. Smith hath gained over my gaoler&mdash;he will tell thee how
+      I may see thee. Come and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt
+      care for my boy&mdash;HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent)
+      combating by the side of ROWENA.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe was
+      likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he inquired of Mr.
+      Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that gentleman had devised
+      for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was informed that he was to get a
+      barrister's gown and wig, when the gaoler would introduce him into the
+      interior of the prison. These decorations, knowing several gentlemen of
+      the Northern Circuit, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with
+      feelings of no small trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space
+      of a year, poor Rowena had been immured.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical exactness
+      of this narrative, I refer him to the &ldquo;Biographie Universelle&rdquo; (article
+      Jean sans Terre), which says, &ldquo;La femme d'un baron auquel on vint demander
+      son fils, repondit, 'Le roi pense-t-il que je confierai mon fils a un
+      homme qui a egorge son neveu de sa propre main?' Jean fit enlever la mere
+      et l'enfant, et la laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les cachots.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing this
+      disagreeable sentence. All her virtues, her resolution, her chaste energy
+      and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and, for the first time
+      since the commencement of the history, I feel that I am partially
+      reconciled to her. The weary year passes&mdash;she grows weaker and more
+      languid, thinner and thinner! At length Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a
+      barrister of the Northern Circuit, is introduced to her cell, and finds
+      his lady in the last stage of exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon,
+      with her little boy in her arms. She has preserved his life at the expense
+      of her own, giving him the whole of the pittance which her gaolers allowed
+      her, and perishing herself of inanition.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is a scene! I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with this
+      lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing her with
+      so sublime a death-bed. Fancy Ivanhoe's entrance&mdash;their recognition&mdash;the
+      faint blush upon her worn features&mdash;the pathetic way in which she
+      gives little Cedric in charge to him, and his promises of protection.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wilfrid, my early loved,&rdquo; slowly gasped she, removing her gray hair from
+      her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as he nestled on
+      Ivanhoe's knee&mdash;&ldquo;promise me, by St. Waltheof of Templestowe&mdash;promise
+      me one boon!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I do,&rdquo; said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that little
+      innocent the promise was intended to apply.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By St. Waltheof?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By St. Waltheof!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Promise me, then,&rdquo; gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, &ldquo;that you never
+      will marry a Jewess?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By St. Waltheof,&rdquo; cried Ivanhoe, &ldquo;this is too much, Rowena!&rdquo;&mdash;But he
+      felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the pale lips
+      ceased to quiver&mdash;she was no more!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      IVANHOE THE WIDOWER.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in
+      Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe quitted
+      a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in which his stay
+      was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that King John would hang
+      him, if ever he could lay hands on the faithful follower of King Richard
+      and Prince Arthur.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a brave and
+      pious knight. A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched field against the
+      Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned infidel, or a road to Paradise
+      carved out by his scimitar,&mdash;these were the height of the ambition of
+      good and religious warriors; and so renowned a champion as Sir Wilfrid of
+      Ivanhoe was sure to be well received wherever blows were stricken for the
+      cause of Christendom. Even among the dark Templars, he who had twice
+      overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a respected though not a
+      welcome guest: but among the opposition company of the Knights of St.
+      John, he was admired and courted beyond measure; and always affectioning
+      that Order, which offered him, indeed, its first rank and commanderies, he
+      did much good service; fighting in their ranks for the glory of heaven and
+      St. Waltheof, and slaying many thousands of the heathen in Prussia,
+      Poland, and those savage Northern countries. The only fault that the great
+      and gallant, though severe and ascetic Folko of Heydenbraten, the chief of
+      the Order of St. John, found with the melancholy warrior, whose lance did
+      such good service to the cause, was, that he did not persecute the Jews as
+      so religious a knight should. He let off sundry captives of that
+      persuasion whom he had taken with his sword and his spear, saved others
+      from torture, and actually ransomed the two last grinders of a venerable
+      rabbi (that Roger de Cartright, an English knight of the Order, was about
+      to extort from the elderly Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal
+      ring, which were all the property he possessed. Whenever he so ransomed or
+      benefited one of this religion, he would moreover give them a little token
+      or a message (were the good knight out of money), saying, &ldquo;Take this
+      token, and remember this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited, for
+      the services whilome rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac of
+      York!&rdquo; So among themselves, and in their meetings and synagogues, and in
+      their restless travels from land to land, when they of Jewry cursed and
+      reviled all Christians, as such abominable heathens will, they
+      nevertheless excepted the name of the Desdichado, or the
+      doubly-disinherited as he now was, the Desdichado-Doblado.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir Wilfrid
+      took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping off one heathen's
+      head with an axe must be very like the decapitation of any other
+      unbeliever. Suffice it to say, that wherever this kind of work was to be
+      done, and Sir Wilfrid was in the way, he was the man to perform it. It
+      would astonish you were you to see the account that Wamba kept of his
+      master's achievements, and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians, slain
+      or maimed by his hand. And as, in those days, a reputation for valor had
+      an immense effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even the ugliest man,
+      were he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by Beauty: so Ivanhoe,
+      who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming rather elderly, made
+      conquests over female breasts as well as over Saracens, and had more than
+      one direct offer of marriage made to him by princesses, countesses, and
+      noble ladies possessing both charms and money, which they were anxious to
+      place at the disposal of a champion so renowned. It is related that the
+      Duchess Regent of Kartoffelberg offered him her hand, and the ducal crown
+      of Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued from the unbelieving Prussians; but
+      Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess's offer, by riding away from her capital
+      secretly at midnight and hiding himself in a convent of Knights
+      Hospitallers on the borders of Poland. And it is a fact that the Princess
+      Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most lovely woman of her time,
+      became so frantically attached to him, that she followed him on a
+      campaign, and was discovered with his baggage disguised as a horse-boy.
+      But no princess, no beauty, no female blandishments had any charms for
+      Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more austere celibacy. The severity of his
+      morals contrasted so remarkably with the lax and dissolute manner of the
+      young lords and nobles in the courts which he frequented, that these young
+      springalds would sometimes sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but his
+      courage in the day of battle was so terrible and admirable, that I promise
+      you the youthful libertines did not sneer THEN; and the most reckless of
+      them often turned pale when they couched their lances to follow Ivanhoe.
+      Holy Waltheof! it was an awful sight to see him with his pale calm face,
+      his shield upon his breast, his heavy lance before him, charging a
+      squadron of heathen Bohemians, or a regiment of Cossacks! Wherever he saw
+      the enemy, Ivanhoe assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him,
+      and said if he attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army, he
+      would be slain, &ldquo;And suppose I be?&rdquo; he answered, giving them to understand
+      that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over altogether.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was
+      carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen the good
+      cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians had met with
+      such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors as had never been
+      known in the proudest day of Saladin.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is known all
+      over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle of Alarcos,
+      gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz, on which fatal day
+      Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it was feared the Spanish
+      peninsula would be entirely wrested away from the dominion of the Cross.
+      On that day the Franks lost 150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners. A man-slave
+      sold among the unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for the same; a sword,
+      half a dirhem; a horse, five dirhems. Hundreds of thousands of these
+      various sorts of booty were in the possession of the triumphant followers
+      of Yakoobal-Mansoor. Curses on his head! But he was a brave warrior, and
+      the Christians before him seemed to forget that they were the descendants
+      of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the Moorish hounds (in their jargon)
+      denominated the famous Campeador.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain&mdash;a crusade
+      against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout Europe by
+      all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands of valorous
+      knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets and vassals of the
+      lower sort, trooped from all sides to the rescue. The Straits of
+      Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor, passing from Barbary, first
+      planted his accursed foot on the Christian soil, were crowded with the
+      galleys of the Templars and the Knights of St. John, who flung succors
+      into the menaced kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed with
+      their ships hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and
+      Byzantium, from Jaffa and Ascalon. The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons
+      and glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into
+      Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia, where
+      Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the news of the
+      defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians, Ivanhoe landed at
+      Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors forthwith.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of Heydenbraten,
+      the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the venerable Baldomero
+      de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned order of Saint Jago. The chief
+      of Saint Jago's knights paid the greatest respect to a warrior whose fame
+      was already so widely known in Christendom; and Ivanhoe had the pleasure
+      of being appointed to all the posts of danger and forlorn hopes that could
+      be devised in his honor. He would be called up twice or thrice in a night
+      to fight the Moors: he led ambushes, scaled breaches, was blown up by
+      mines; was wounded many hundred times (recovering, thanks to the elixir,
+      of which Wamba always carried a supply); he was the terror of the
+      Saracens, and the admiration and wonder of the Christians.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day's battle was like
+      that of another. I am not writing in ten volumes like Monsieur Alexandre
+      Dumas, or even in three like other great authors. We have no room for the
+      recounting of Sir Wilfrid's deeds of valor. Whenever he took a Moorish
+      town, it was remarked, that he went anxiously into the Jewish quarter, and
+      inquired amongst the Hebrews, who were in great numbers in Spain, for
+      Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac. Many Jews, according to his wont, he
+      ransomed, and created so much scandal by this proceeding, and by the
+      manifest favor which he showed to the people of that nation, that the
+      Master of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and it is probable he would
+      have been cast into the Inquisition and roasted, but that his prodigious
+      valor and success against the Moors counterbalanced his heretical
+      partiality for the children of Jacob.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona in
+      Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and slaying,
+      with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and several hundred
+      more of its unbelieving defenders. He had very nearly done for the
+      Alfaqui, or governor&mdash;a veteran warrior with a crooked scimitar and a
+      beard as white as snow&mdash;but a couple of hundred of the Alfaqui's
+      bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe and their chief, and the old
+      fellow escaped with his life, leaving a handful of his beard in the grasp
+      of the English knight. The strictly military business being done, and such
+      of the garrison as did not escape put, as by right, to the sword, the good
+      knight, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part in the proceedings of
+      the conquerors of that ill-fated place. A scene of horrible massacre and
+      frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian warriors, hot with victory
+      and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be feared, as savage in their
+      hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies had been.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious Knight of
+      Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y Espelon. Raging
+      through the vanquished city like a demon, he slaughtered indiscriminately
+      all those infidels of both sexes whose wealth did not tempt him to a
+      ransom, or whose beauty did not reserve them for more frightful calamities
+      than death. The slaughter over, Don Beltran took up his quarters in the
+      Albaycen, where the Alfaqui had lived who had so narrowly escaped the
+      sword of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure, the slaves, and the family
+      of the fugitive chieftain, were left in possession of the conqueror of
+      Xixona. Among the treasures, Don Beltran recognized with a savage joy the
+      coat-armors and ornaments of many brave and unfortunate companions-in-arms
+      who had fallen in the fatal battle of Alarcos. The sight of those bloody
+      relics added fury to his cruel disposition, and served to steel a heart
+      already but little disposed to sentiments of mercy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was seated
+      in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui, lying in his
+      divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains playing in the centre, the
+      slaves of the Moor ministering to his scarred and rugged Christian
+      conqueror. Some fanned him with peacocks' pinions, some danced before him,
+      some sang Moor's melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla, one&mdash;it
+      was the only daughter of the Moor's old age, the young Zutulbe, a rosebud
+      of beauty&mdash;sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping for
+      her slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were
+      blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for her
+      father, whose home had been thus made desolate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at chess, a
+      favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a messenger was
+      announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for the ransom of the
+      remaining part of the Alfaqui's family. A grim smile lighted up Don
+      Beltran's features as he bade the black slave admit the messenger. He
+      entered. By his costume it was at once seen that the bearer of the flag of
+      truce was a Jew&mdash;the people were employed continually then as
+      ambassadors between the two races at war in Spain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I come,&rdquo; said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid start),
+      &ldquo;from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible Don Beltran de
+      Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor's only daughter, the child
+      of his old age and the pearl of his affection.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew. What does the Moorish dog bid for
+      her?&rdquo; asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their
+      caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and rubies to
+      the amount of 1,000,000 dinars.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ho, slaves!&rdquo; roared Don Beltran, &ldquo;show the Jew my treasury of gold. How
+      many hundred thousand pieces are there?&rdquo; And ten enormous chests were
+      produced in which the accountant counted 1,000 bags of 1,000 dirhems each,
+      and displayed several caskets of jewels containing such a treasure of
+      rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and jacinths, as made the eyes of the aged
+      ambassador twinkle with avarice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How many horses are there in my stable?&rdquo; continued Don Beltran; and
+      Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully caparisoned;
+      and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for as many cavaliers,
+      who followed the banner of this doughty captain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I want neither money nor armor,&rdquo; said the ferocious knight; &ldquo;tell this to
+      the Alfaqui, Jew. And I will keep the child, his daughter, to serve the
+      messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my scullions.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Deprive not the old man of his child,&rdquo; here interposed the Knight of
+      Ivanhoe; &ldquo;bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant in years.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She is my captive, Sir Knight,&rdquo; replied the surly Don Beltran; &ldquo;I will do
+      with my own as becomes me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Take 200,000 dirhems,&rdquo; cried the Jew; &ldquo;more!&mdash;anything! The Alfaqui
+      will give his life for his child!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Come hither, Zutulbe!&mdash;come hither, thou Moorish pearl!&rdquo; yelled the
+      ferocious warrior; &ldquo;come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of
+      heathenesse! Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers slew
+      the Christian dogs!&rdquo; said the proud young girl, looking boldly at Don
+      Beltran, who foamed with rage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in our
+      castle of Murcia,&rdquo; Beltran said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!&rdquo; cried the
+      high-spirited girl.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;By Saint Jago, this is too much!&rdquo; screamed the infuriated nobleman; and
+      the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden fell to the ground with
+      Don Beltran's dagger in her side.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Death is better than dishonor!&rdquo; cried the child, rolling on the
+      blood-stained marble pavement. &ldquo;I&mdash;I spit upon thee, dog of a
+      Christian!&rdquo; and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back and
+      died.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui,&rdquo; howled the Don, spurning the
+      beauteous corpse with his foot. &ldquo;I would not have ransomed her for all the
+      gold in Barbary!&rdquo; And shuddering, the old Jew left the apartment, which
+      Ivanhoe quitted likewise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew, &ldquo;Isaac of
+      York, dost thou not know me?&rdquo; and threw back his hood, and looked at the
+      old man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand, then
+      started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his withered hands
+      over his face, said, with a burst of grief, &ldquo;Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe!&mdash;no,
+      no!&mdash;I do not know thee!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Holy mother! what has chanced?&rdquo; said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming
+      ghastly pale; &ldquo;where is thy daughter&mdash;where is Rebecca?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Away from me!&rdquo; said the old Jew, tottering. &ldquo;Away Rebecca is&mdash;dead!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell to the
+      ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly distraught with
+      grief. He took no nourishment and uttered no word. For weeks he did not
+      relapse out of his moody silence, and when he came partially to himself
+      again, it was to bid his people to horse, in a hollow voice, and to make a
+      foray against the Moors. Day after day he issued out against these
+      infidels, and did nought but slay and slay. He took no plunder as other
+      knights did, but left that to his followers; he uttered no war-cry, as was
+      the manner of chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch that the &ldquo;silent
+      knight&rdquo; became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada and Andalusia, and
+      more fell by his lance than by that of any the most clamorous captains of
+      the troops in arms against them. Thus the tide of battle turned, and the
+      Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at the great battle of Al Akab,
+      called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the Christians retrieved their defeat
+      at Alarcos, and absolutely killed half a milllion of Mahometans. Fifty
+      thousand of these, of course, Don Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it
+      was remarked that the melancholy warrior seemed somewhat more easy in
+      spirits after that famous feat of arms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off so many
+      of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants poured continual
+      reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could make no head against
+      the Christian forces, and in fact came into battle quite discouraged at
+      the notion of meeting the dreadful silent knight. It was commonly believed
+      amongst them, that the famous Malek Ric, Richard of England, the conqueror
+      of Saladin, had come to life again, and was battling in the Spanish hosts&mdash;that
+      this, his second life, was a charmed one, and his body inaccessible to
+      blow of scimitar or thrust of spear&mdash;that after battle he ate the
+      hearts and drank the blood of many young Moors for his supper: a thousand
+      wild legends were told of Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the Morisco warriors
+      came half vanquished into the field, and fell an easy prey to the
+      Spaniards, who cut away among them without mercy. And although none of the
+      Spanish historians whom I have consulted make mention of Sir Wilfrid as
+      the real author of the numerous triumphs which now graced the arms of the
+      good cause, this is not in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that
+      has always been notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their
+      debts of gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes
+      histories of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making
+      the slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the part
+      taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction. Well, it must be confessed, on
+      the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers' feats in those
+      campaigns: but this is not the subject at present under consideration.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers, that the
+      monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily enabled to besiege
+      the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which the Moors had in his
+      dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of those infidels under the
+      command of their King Aboo Abdallah Mahommed, son of Yakoobal-Mansoor. The
+      Arabian historian El Makary gives a full account of the military
+      precautions taken by Aboo Abdallah to defend his city; but as I do not
+      wish to make a parade of my learning, or to write a costume novel, I shall
+      pretermit any description of the city under its Moorish governors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls great
+      store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always protected by the
+      Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and who were, as we very
+      well know, the chief physicians, the chief bankers, the chief statesmen,
+      the chief artists and musicians, the chief everything, under the Moorish
+      kings. Thus it is not surprising that the Hebrews, having their money,
+      their liberty, their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan
+      domination, should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath
+      which they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite&mdash;no
+      other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with his
+      daughter, soon after Ivanhoe's marriage, in the third volume of the first
+      part of this history. Isaac was respected by his people for the money
+      which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable good qualities, her
+      beauty, her charities, and her remarkable medical skill.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that though she
+      was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to marry her, and
+      install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of York would not have
+      objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages were not uncommon between
+      the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but Rebecca firmly yet respectfully
+      declined the proposals of the prince, saying that it was impossible she
+      should unite herself with a man of a creed different to her own.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this chance
+      of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed among his
+      people for a very strict character, and there were in his family several
+      rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct, the old gentleman was
+      silenced by this objection of Rebecca's, and the young lady herself
+      applauded by her relatives for her resolute behavior. She took their
+      congratulations in a very frigid manner, and said that it was her wish not
+      to marry at all, but to devote herself to the practice of medicine
+      altogether, and to helping the sick and needy of her people. Indeed,
+      although she did not go to any public meetings, she was as benevolent a
+      creature as the world ever saw: the poor blessed her wherever they knew
+      her, and many benefited by her who guessed not whence her gentle bounty
+      came.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even heard,
+      appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of both, that all
+      the most desirable bachelors of the people were ready to bid for her.
+      Ambassadors came from all quarters to propose for her. Her own uncle, the
+      venerable Ben Solomons, with a beard as long as a cashmere goat's, and a
+      reputation for learning and piety which still lives in his nation,
+      quarrelled with his son Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of
+      Trebizond, and his son Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each
+      putting in a claim for their cousin. Ben Minories came from London and
+      knelt at her feet; Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to dazzle
+      her with the latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben Jonah
+      brought her a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come back and
+      be Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Rebecca temporized as best she might. She thought her uncle was too old.
+      She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel with each other,
+      and offend their father by pressing their suit. Ben Minories from London,
+      she said, was too young, and Jochanan from Paris, she pointed out to Isaac
+      of York, must be a spendthrift, or he would not wear those absurd
+      waistcoats. As for Ben Jonah, she said, she could not bear the notion of
+      tobacco and Dutch herrings: she wished to stay with her papa, her dear
+      papa. In fine, she invented a thousand excuses for delay, and it was plain
+      that marriage was odious to her. The only man whom she received with
+      anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with whom she was
+      very familiar. But Bevis had come to her with a certain token that had
+      been given to him by an English knight, who saved him from a fagot to
+      which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten was about to condemn
+      him. It was but a ring, with an emerald in it, that Bevis knew to be sham,
+      and not worth a groat. Rebecca knew about the value of jewels too; but ah!
+      she valued this one more than all the diamonds in Prester John's turban.
+      She kissed it; she cried over it; she wore it in her bosom always and when
+      she knelt down at night and morning, she held it between her folded hands
+      on her neck. . . . Young Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than
+      the others; the rascal sold to the King of France a handsome ruby, the
+      very size of the bit of glass in Rebecca's ring; but he always said he
+      would rather have had her than ten thousand pounds: and very likely he
+      would, for it was known she would at once have a plum to her fortune.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great family
+      meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered to choose a
+      husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts pointing out the
+      great kindness which had been shown to her by her father, in permitting
+      her to choose for herself. One aunt was of the Solomon faction, another
+      aunt took Simeon's side, a third most venerable old lady&mdash;the head of
+      the family, and a hundred and forty-four years of age&mdash;was ready to
+      pronounce a curse upon her, and cast her out, unless she married before
+      the month was over. All the jewelled heads of all the old ladies in
+      council, all the beards of all the family, wagged against her: it must
+      have been an awful sight to witness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak. &ldquo;Kinsmen!&rdquo; she said, turning
+      pale, &ldquo;when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I told you I would
+      not wed but with one of my own faith.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She has turned Turk,&rdquo; screamed out the ladies. &ldquo;She wants to be a
+      princess, and has turned Turk,&rdquo; roared the rabbis.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, well,&rdquo; said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, &ldquo;let us hear what
+      the poor girl has got to say. Do you want to marry his royal highness,
+      Rebecca? Say the word, yes or no.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Another groan burst from the rabbis&mdash;they cried, shrieked, chattered,
+      gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the women, that she
+      should reign over them a second Esther.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Silence,&rdquo; cried out Isaac; &ldquo;let the girl speak. Speak boldly, Rebecca
+      dear, there's a good girl.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Rebecca was as pale as a stone. She folded her arms on her breast, and
+      felt the ring there. She looked round all the assembly, and then at Isaac.
+      &ldquo;Father,&rdquo; she said, in a thrilling low steady voice, &ldquo;I am not of your
+      religion&mdash;I am not of the Prince Boabdil's religion&mdash;I&mdash;I
+      am of HIS religion.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?&rdquo; cried Isaac.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round with
+      dauntless eyes. &ldquo;Of his,&rdquo; she said, &ldquo;who saved my life and your honor: of
+      my dear, dear champion's. I never can be his, but I will be no other's.
+      Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they long for. Take the dross,
+      Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan, and divide it among you, and leave
+      me. I will never be yours, I tell you, never. Do you think, after knowing
+      him and hearing him speak,&mdash;after watching him wounded on his pillow,
+      and glorious in battle&rdquo; (her eyes melted and kindled again as she spoke
+      these words), &ldquo;I can mate with such as you? Go. Leave me to myself. I am
+      none of yours. I love him&mdash;I love him. Fate divides us&mdash;long,
+      long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again. But I love and
+      bless him always. Yes, always. My prayers are his; my faith is his. Yes,
+      my faith is your faith, Wilfrid&mdash;Wilfrid! I have no kindred more,&mdash;I
+      am a Christian!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my feeble pen
+      would in vain endeavor to depict. Old Isaac staggered back in a fit, and
+      nobody took the least notice of him. Groans, curses, yells of men, shrieks
+      of women, filled the room with such a furious jabbering, as might have
+      appalled any heart less stout than Rebecca's; but that brave woman was
+      prepared for all; expecting, and perhaps hoping, that death would be her
+      instant lot. There was but one creature who pitied her, and that was her
+      cousin and father's clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but thirteen, and
+      had only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and boo-hooing, as
+      she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and maledictions of the
+      elder Israelites. Ben Davids was madly in love with his cousin (as boys
+      often are with ladies of twice their age), and he had presence of mind
+      suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp on the table, which
+      illuminated the angry conclave; then, whispering to Rebecca to go up to
+      her own room and lock herself in, or they would kill her else, he took her
+      hand and led her out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From that day she disappeared from among her people. The poor and the
+      wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain. Had any violence been done
+      to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put all Isaac's family to
+      death; and besides, her old flame, Prince Boabdil, would have also been
+      exceedingly wrathful. She was not killed then, but, so to speak, buried
+      alive, and locked up in Isaac's back-kitchen: an apartment into which
+      scarcely any light entered, and where she was fed upon scanty portions of
+      the most mouldy bread and water. Little Ben Davids was the only person who
+      visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to him about Ivanhoe,
+      and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how true; and how he
+      slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and how he married a lady whom
+      Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him, but with whom she prayed he might
+      be happy; and of what color his eyes were, and what were the arms on his
+      shield&mdash;viz, a tree with the word &ldquo;Desdichado&rdquo; written underneath,
+      &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.: all which talk would not have interested little
+      Davids, had it come from anybody else's mouth, but to which he never tired
+      of listening as it fell from her sweet lips.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don Beltran de
+      Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui's daughter of Xixona, our dearest
+      Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it was in his rage and fury
+      against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that cavalier the falsehood which caused
+      the knight so much pain and such a prodigious deal of bloodshed to the
+      Moors: and who knows, trivial as it may seem, whether it was not that very
+      circumstance which caused the destruction in Spain of the Moorish power?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that Ivanhoe had
+      cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it from his employer;
+      and he saved Rebecca's life by communicating the intelligence, for the
+      poor thing would have infallibly perished but for this good news. She had
+      now been in prison four years three months and twenty-four days, during
+      which time she had partaken of nothing but bread and water (except such
+      occasional tit-bits as Davids could bring her&mdash;and these were few
+      indeed; for old Isaac was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had more than a
+      pair of eggs for his own and Davids' dinner); and she was languishing
+      away, when the news came suddenly to revive her. Then, though in the
+      darkness you could not see her cheeks, they began to bloom again: then her
+      heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and she kissed the ring on her
+      neck a thousand times a day at least; and her constant question was, &ldquo;Ben
+      Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to besiege Valencia?&rdquo; She knew he
+      would come: and, indeed, the Christians were encamped before the town ere
+      a month was over.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that dark scene
+      of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat, painted stone-color,
+      that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of light flashing out, as though
+      they were preparing a most brilliant, gorgeous, and altogether dazzling
+      illumination, with effects never before attempted on any stage. Yes, the
+      fairy in the pretty pink tights and spangled muslin is getting into the
+      brilliant revolving chariot of the realms of bliss.&mdash;Yes, most of the
+      fiddlers and trumpeters have gone round from the orchestra to join in the
+      grand triumphal procession, where the whole strength of the company is
+      already assembled, arrayed in costumes of Moorish and Christian chivalry,
+      to celebrate the &ldquo;Terrible Escalade,&rdquo; the &ldquo;Rescue of Virtuous Innocence&rdquo;&mdash;the
+      &ldquo;Grand Entry of the Christians into Valencia&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Appearance of the
+      Fairy Day-Star,&rdquo; and &ldquo;Unexampled displays of pyrotechnic festivity.&rdquo; Do
+      you not, I say, perceive that we are come to the end of our history; and,
+      after a quantity of rapid and terrific fighting, brilliant change of
+      scenery, and songs, appropriate or otherwise, are bringing our hero and
+      heroine together? Who wants a long scene at the last? Mammas are putting
+      the girls' cloaks and boas on; papas have gone out to look for the
+      carriage, and left the box-door swinging open, and letting in the cold
+      air: if there WERE any stage-conversation, you could not hear it, for the
+      scuffling of the people who are leaving the pit. See, the orange-women are
+      preparing to retire. To-morrow their play-bills will be as so much
+      waste-paper&mdash;so will some of our masterpieces, woe is me: but lo!
+      here we come to Scene the last, and Valencia is besieged and captured by
+      the Christians.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard of the
+      Prophet? Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d'ye-call'im, just
+      as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de Cuchillay &amp;c.?
+      Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks of the inhabitants who
+      are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and by a little boy by the name
+      of Ben Davids, who recognizes the knight by his shield, finds Isaac of
+      York egorge on a threshold, and clasping a large back-kitchen key? Who but
+      Ivanhoe&mdash;who but Wilfrid? &ldquo;An Ivanhoe to the rescue,&rdquo; he bellows out;
+      he has heard that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing. And
+      who is it that comes out of the house&mdash;trembling&mdash;panting&mdash;with
+      her arms out&mdash;in a white dress&mdash;with her hair down&mdash;who is
+      it but dear Rebecca? Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving
+      an immense banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with a
+      ham, which he happens to have in his pocket. . . . As for Rebecca, now her
+      head is laid upon Ivanhoe's heart, I shall not ask to hear what she is
+      whispering, or describe further that scene of meeting; though I declare I
+      am quite affected when I think of it. Indeed I have thought of it any time
+      these five-and-twenty years&mdash;ever since, as a boy at school, I
+      commenced the noble study of novels&mdash;ever since the day when, lying
+      on sunny slopes of half-holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and
+      beautiful shapes of knights and ladies were visible to me&mdash;ever since
+      I grew to love Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet's fancy, and
+      longed to see her righted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena's promise
+      extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess, and a better
+      Christian than Rebecca now was never said her catechism. Married I am sure
+      they were, and adopted little Cedric; but I don't think they had any other
+      children, or were subsequently very boisterously happy. Of some sort of
+      happiness melancholy is a characteristic, and I think these were a solemn
+      pair, and died rather early.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      [FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.]
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER I.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular than
+      those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of France was
+      battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal claims, merits,
+      bravery, and popularity. First in the list we place&mdash;His Royal
+      Highness Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna Maria, Duke of Brittany, and
+      son of Louis XVI. The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate
+      parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that place of
+      confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the ruffians who guarded him had
+      caused the young Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the cocked-hat
+      of the Representative, Roederer. It is well known that, in the troublous
+      revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a considerable size.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined there
+      for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping thence to
+      England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from political
+      hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not be
+      confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim to be children of
+      the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. In the year 1843 he
+      held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a forgotten
+      district of London, called Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France
+      flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant of the
+      throne; and some of the chiefs of the British nobility&mdash;among whom
+      may be reckoned the celebrated and chivalrous Duke of Jenkins&mdash;aided
+      the adventurous young Prince with their counsels, their wealth, and their
+      valor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas Napoleon&mdash;a
+      fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some to be a Prince of
+      the House of Gomersal. He argued justly that, as the immediate relatives
+      of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete for the crown which was
+      their right, he, Prince John Thomas, being next in succession, was,
+      undoubtedly, heir to the vacant imperial throne. And in support of his
+      claim, he appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and the strength of his
+      good sword.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious
+      wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired to
+      wrest from him. It does not appear that the sagacious monarch was esteemed
+      by his subjects, as such a prince should have been esteemed. The
+      light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary than otherwise of
+      his sway. They were not in the least attached to his amiable family, for
+      whom his Majesty with characteristic thrift had endeavored to procure
+      satisfactory allowances. And the leading statesmen of the country, whom
+      his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of entertaining any but feelings
+      of loyalty towards his house and person.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe (now nearly
+      a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns, was called upon to
+      defend his crown.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and
+      twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each&mdash;provisioned for a
+      considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were, upon
+      the palace of the Tuileries. Thus, should the mob attack it, as in August
+      1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in an hour;
+      thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign invasion. Another
+      defence against the foreigners was the state of the roads. Since the
+      English companies had retired, half a mile only of railroad had been
+      completed in France, and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe now
+      are, to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye'd to death
+      before they could have marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the Alpine,
+      or the Pyrenean frontier upon the capital of France. The French people,
+      however, were indignant at this defect of communication in their
+      territory, and said, without the least show of reason, that they would
+      have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions of
+      francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should have been
+      laid out in a more peaceful manner. However, behind his forts, the King
+      lay secure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the strange
+      events of the period, the actions, the passions of individuals and parties
+      engaged, we cannot better describe them than by referring to contemporary
+      documents, of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the present day to
+      read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal des Debats the accounts
+      of the strange scenes which took place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court of the Tuileries had
+      been extremely gay. The three-and-twenty youngest Princes of England, sons
+      of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence; the
+      Emperor of Russia and family had paid their accustomed visit; and the King
+      of the Belgians had, as usual, made his visit to his royal father-in-law,
+      under pretence of duty and pleasure, but really to demand payment of the
+      Queen of the Belgians' dowry, which Louis Philippe of Orleans still
+      resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought that in the midst of
+      such festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of such quiet,
+      rebellion?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this
+      repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to the
+      throne of Louis XVI.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same journal
+      contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious import; in
+      which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was easy to see the
+      Government alarm.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a
+      paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so absurd
+      did its contents seem. It ran as follows:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.! A letter from Calais tells us that a strange
+      personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we believe) has been
+      giving himself out to be the son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is the
+      twenty-fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his father
+      was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his pretensions, the poor
+      creature is said to be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one or two
+      old women, who declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he does not make
+      any attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but waits until
+      heaven shall conduct him to it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his quarters in
+      the palace of Charenton.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been afloat
+      (among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the metropolis),
+      that a notorious personage&mdash;why should we hesitate to mention the
+      name of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?&mdash;has entered France with
+      culpable intentions, and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of this
+      morning, however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A pretender is on our
+      shores; an armed assassin is threatening our peaceful liberties; a
+      wandering, homeless cut-throat is robbing on our highways; and the
+      punishment of his crime awaits him. Let no considerations of the past
+      defer that just punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to provide
+      for THE FUTURE. Let the full powers of the law be brought against him,
+      aided by the stern justice of the public force. Let him be tracked, like a
+      wild beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has,
+      ere this, been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been
+      distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale-houses and
+      peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which he lurks); and
+      the Police have an easy means of tracking his footsteps.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the unfortunate
+      young man. His attempt will only serve to show the folly of the
+      pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity, admiration,
+      reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which we hold our beloved
+      sovereign.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;SECOND EDITION! &ldquo;CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that after a
+      scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 'Imperial Army,' in a water-barrel,
+      whither the latter had retreated, victory has remained with the former. A
+      desperate combat ensued in the first place, in a hay-loft, whence the
+      pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now a prisoner&mdash;and we
+      dread to think what his fate may be! It will warn future aspirants, and
+      give Europe a lesson which it is not likely to forget. Above all, it will
+      set beyond a doubt the regard, respect, admiration, reverence, and
+      adoration which we all feel for our sovereign.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;THIRD EDITION.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A second courier has arrived. The infatuated Crane has made common cause
+      with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of Frenchmen. A
+      detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit of the pretender and
+      his dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer! Remember that it is our rights
+      you guard, our homes which you march to defend; our laws which are
+      confided to the points of your unsullied bayonets;&mdash;above all, our
+      dear, dear sovereign, around whose throne you rally!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th, remember your watchword is
+      Gemappes,&mdash;your countersign, Valmy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the Tuileries
+      this day. His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the King of the French
+      with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their RR. HH. the Princes of
+      Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of the Order of the Blue Eagle.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His Majesty passed a review of the Police force. The venerable monarch
+      was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and disinterested
+      body of men. Those cheers were echoed in all French hearts. Long, long may
+      our beloved Prince be among us to receive them!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER II.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Sunday, February 30th.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a third
+      pretender to the throne:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Is this distracted country never to have peace? While on Friday we
+      recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of France; while
+      on Saturday we were compelled to register the culpable attempts of one
+      whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar, and
+      common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of Frenchmen&mdash;it is
+      to-day our painful duty to announce a THIRD invasion&mdash;yes, a third
+      invasion. The wretched, superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has landed
+      at Nantz, and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount the white
+      cockade.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor? Do we not repose under
+      the majestic shadow of the best of kings? Is there any name prouder than
+      that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign? Does
+      not the whole French family adore their father? Yes. Our lives, our
+      hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his disposal: it was not in vain
+      that we raised, it is not the first time we have rallied round, the august
+      throne of July. The unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by this time;
+      and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge one infamous
+      traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another. Away with
+      both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal to his
+      race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the other
+      pretender. Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the manes
+      of a slaughtered martyr avenged!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the
+      descendant of Caroline of Naples. An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous! An
+      English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still dancing in
+      our royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion end?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police. The usual
+      heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked younger than ever
+      we saw him&mdash;ay, as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at
+      Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were distributed
+      to all the men.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three
+      coaches-and-four. They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of
+      Honor. This is significant.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the departments of
+      the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the command of the troops.
+      The Joinville regiment&mdash;Cavalerie de la Marine&mdash;is one of the
+      finest in the service.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself Duke of
+      Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the Pas de Calais.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.&mdash;At the review of troops (Police)
+      yesterday, his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling him by
+      the ear, said, 'Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of wine?' The old
+      hero, smiling archly, answered, 'Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any
+      day of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a drink of wine.'
+      We need not say that he had his drink, and the generous sovereign sent him
+      the cross and ribbon too.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a
+      despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the throne. In
+      spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears from
+      the following remarks of the Debats:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The courier from the Rhine department,&rdquo; says the Debats, &ldquo;brings us the
+      following astounding Proclamation:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one and
+      indivisible. We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of the Empire,
+      Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals, generals, officers, and
+      soldiers, greeting:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Soldiers!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon you. The
+      sun of Austerlitz has risen once more. The Guard dies, but never
+      surrenders. My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop
+      till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile. I have
+      seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now withering, and I have
+      communed with the dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are our
+      children? Where is France? Europe no longer glitters with the shine of its
+      triumphant bayonets&mdash;echoes no more with the shouts of its victorious
+      cannon. Who could reply to such a question save with a blush?&mdash;And
+      does a blush become the cheeks of Frenchmen?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'No. Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame. Come, as of
+      old, and rally round my eagles! You have been subject to fiddling prudence
+      long enough. Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have been
+      promised liberty, but you have had none. I will endow you with the true,
+      the real freedom. When your ancestors burst over the Alps, were they not
+      free? Yes; free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of those
+      indomitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once more trample
+      over her; march in triumph into her prostrate capitals, and bring her
+      kings with her treasures at our feet. This is the liberty worthy of
+      Frenchmen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you; and
+      that England shall rank no more among the nations. I will have a marine
+      that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my brave regiments will
+      do the rest. Henceforth, the traveller in that desert island shall ask,
+      &ldquo;Was it this wretched corner of the world that for a thousand years defied
+      Frenchmen?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Frenchmen, up and rally!&mdash;I have flung my banner to the breezes;
+      'tis surrounded by the faithful and the brave. Up, and let our motto be,
+      LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL OVER THE WORLD!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'NAPOLEON III.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and bloody
+      adventurer holds out to our country. 'War all over the world,' is the cry
+      of the savage demon; and the fiends who have rallied round him echo it in
+      concert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a corporal's
+      guard had been sufficient to seize upon the marauder, when the first fire
+      would have served to conclude his miserable life. But, like a hideous
+      disease, the contagion has spread; the remedy must be dreadful. Woe to
+      those on whom it will fall!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has
+      hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and takes with
+      him his Cavalerie de la Marine. It is hard to think that the blades of
+      those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen: but so
+      be it: it is those monsters who have asked for blood, not we. It is those
+      ruffians who have begun the quarrel, not we. WE remain calm and hopeful,
+      reposing under the protection of the dearest and best of sovereigns.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has been
+      seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the Prefect of
+      Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has
+      been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all incendiary
+      enemies of our Government be overcome!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department of the
+      Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in the disturbed
+      districts of the Bocage and La Vendee. The foolish young Prince, who has
+      there raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by a small number of
+      wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every moment to receive the
+      news. He too has issued his Proclamation, and our readers will smile at
+      its contents:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all whom it
+      may concern, greeting:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the banner of
+      the lilies. Once more the white plume of Henri IV. floats in the crest of
+      his little son (petit fils)! Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses! honest
+      commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the oriflamme of
+      France, and summon the ban arriereban of my kingdoms. To my faithful
+      Bretons I need not appeal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for an
+      heirloom! To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects, their
+      father makes one last appeal. Come to me, my children! your errors shall
+      be forgiven. Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you. He
+      promised it when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed his
+      inviolable toe!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The infamous universities
+      shall be abolished. Education shall no longer be permitted. A sacred and
+      wholesome inquisition shall be established. My faithful nobles shall pay
+      no more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our country shall be
+      restored as they existed before 1788. Convents and monasteries again shall
+      ornament our country, the calm nurseries of saints and holy women! Heresy
+      shall be extirpated with paternal severity, and our country shall be free
+      once more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under the
+      command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty's youngest son,
+      an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace
+      the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of Tuam, blessed their green
+      banner before they set forth. Henceforth may the lilies and the harp be
+      ever twined together. Together we will make a crusade against the infidels
+      of Albion, and raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our cry be,
+      Vive la France! down with England! Montjoie St. Denis!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'BY THE KING.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE. The Marshal of
+      France. . . POMADOUR DE L'AILE DE PIGEON. The General Commander-in-Chief
+      of the Irish Brigade in the service of his Most Christian Majesty. . .
+      DANIEL, PRINCE OF BALLYBUNION.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      'HENRI.&rdquo;'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a council of
+      Ministers in the afternoon. Measures were concerted for the instant
+      putting down of the disturbances in the departments of the Rhine and
+      Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the pretenders, they
+      shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxembourg: the
+      apartments are already prepared, and the officers at their posts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the
+      diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being attacked with
+      illness, which compels them to stay at home.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the Tuileries.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER III.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS.&mdash;HISTORICAL REVIEW.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a few
+      comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely described in the
+      print from which we have quoted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were of a
+      serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two pretenders to
+      the crown were considerable. They had their supporters too in Paris&mdash;as
+      what party indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne was in
+      a state of considerable anxiety, and found his declining years by no means
+      so comfortable as his virtues and great age might have warranted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate
+      reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, now
+      sprung up around him in vast numbers. The King's grandson, the Prince
+      Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen-Schloppen, was the
+      father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with pensions by the
+      State. His brother, the Count D'Eu, was similarly blessed with a
+      multitudinous offspring. The Duke of Nemours had no children; but the
+      Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Princesses
+      Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess of the United States
+      of America, erected into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor
+      Duff Green I.) were the happy fathers of immense families&mdash;all
+      liberally apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely
+      subservient to his Majesty Louis Philippe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the first
+      instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his Highness
+      Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of Joinville was adored by the nation, on account
+      of his famous victory over the English fleet under the command of Admiral
+      the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the &ldquo;Richard Cobden,&rdquo; of 120 guns, was
+      taken by the &ldquo;Belle-Poule&rdquo; frigate of 36; on which occasion forty-five
+      other ships of war and 79 steam-frigates struck their colors to about
+      one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The victory was mainly
+      owing to the gallantry of the celebrated French horse-marines, who
+      executed several brilliant charges under the orders of the intrepid
+      Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their ordinary modesty,
+      claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of that nation were
+      present in the action, impartial history must award the palm to the
+      intrepid sons of Gaul.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude of the
+      admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should ensue, and fling
+      them on the world once more. How could he support so numerous a family?
+      Considerable as his wealth was (for he was known to have amassed about a
+      hundred and thirteen billions, which were lying in the caves of the
+      Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite insignificant, when divided among his
+      progeny; and, besides, he naturally preferred getting from the nation as
+      much as his faithful people could possibly afford.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied, is often
+      more efficacious than the conqueror's sword, the King's Ministers were
+      anxious that he should devote a part of his savings to the carrying on of
+      the war. But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined this
+      offer; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his faithful people,
+      who, he was sure, would meet, as became them, the coming exigency. The
+      Chambers met his appeal with their usual devotion. At a solemn convocation
+      of those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by his family, explained
+      the circumstances and the danger. His Majesty, his family, his Ministers,
+      and the two Chambers, then burst into tears, according to immemorial
+      usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling, swore eternal fidelity to
+      the dynasty and to France, and embraced each other affectingly all round.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred
+      Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas
+      Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and
+      fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,) similarly
+      quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux. They were
+      followed, according to their several political predilections, by the
+      various Ministers and dignitaries of the State. The only Minister who
+      remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had defeated
+      the English in the very field where they had obtained formerly a success,
+      though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish Brigade); but age had
+      ruined the health and diminished the immense strength of that gigantic
+      leader, and it is said his only reason for remaining in Paris was because
+      a fit of the gout kept him in bed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and cafes were open as
+      usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm: confiding in
+      their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing
+      to fear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to conciliate his
+      people. He even went among them with his umbrella; but they were little
+      touched with that mark of confidence. He shook hands with everybody; he
+      distributed crosses of the Legion of Honor in such multitudes, that red
+      ribbon rose two hundred per cent in the market (by which his Majesty, who
+      speculated in the article, cleared a tolerable sum of money). But these
+      blandishments and honors had little effect upon an apathetic people; and
+      the enemy of the Orleans dynasty, the fashionable young nobles of the
+      Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves perpetually, for fear (they said) that
+      they should be obliged to shake hands with the best of kings; while the
+      republicans adopted coats without button-holes, lest they should be forced
+      to hang red ribbons in them. The funds did not fluctuate in the least.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect. The
+      young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places of public
+      education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon, &ldquo;Liberty,
+      equality, war all over the world!&rdquo; flocked to his standard in considerable
+      numbers: while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer their allegiance
+      to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that
+      collected round the gallant Prince Henry! There was not a man in his army
+      but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at morning and evening
+      parade. The fantastic and effeminate but brave and faithful troops were
+      numbered off into different legions: there was the Fleur-d'Orange
+      regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the Violet-Pomatum volunteers; the
+      Eau-de-Cologne cavalry&mdash;according to the different scents which they
+      affected. Most of the warriors wore lace ruffles; all powder and pigtails,
+      as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy dragoons under the
+      command of Count Alfred de Horsay made themselves conspicuous for their
+      discipline, cruelty, and the admirable cut of their coats; and with these
+      celebrated horsemen came from England the illustrious Duke of Jenkins with
+      his superb footmen. They were all six feet high. They all wore bouquets of
+      the richest flowers: they wore bags, their hair slightly powdered,
+      brilliant shoulder-knots, and cocked-hats laced with gold. They wore the
+      tight knee-pantaloon of velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British
+      infantry: and their legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux,
+      embracing with tears their admirable leader on parade, said, &ldquo;Jenkins,
+      France never saw such calves until now.&rdquo; The weapon of this tremendous
+      militia was an immense club or cane, reaching from the sole of the foot to
+      the nose, and heavily mounted with gold. Nothing could stand before this
+      terrific weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed morions of the French
+      cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath them, had they
+      ever met in mortal combat. Between this part of the Prince's forces and
+      the Irish auxiliaries there was a deadly animosity. Alas, there always is
+      such in camps! The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the
+      children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The uniform of the latter was various&mdash;the rich stuff called
+      corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower
+      habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them
+      tail-coats. The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at the
+      elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of button,
+      tape, and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the alpeen, and the
+      doodeen of the country&mdash;the latter a short but dreadful weapon of
+      offence. At the demise of the venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had
+      laid aside its habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened
+      their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit. Thus do men ever
+      return to the haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory over
+      us! The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an effeminate
+      race; they are represented by contemporary historians as being
+      passionately fond of FLYING KITES. Others say they went into battle armed
+      with &ldquo;bills,&rdquo; no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated that foreigners
+      could never be got to accept them in lieu of their own arms. The Princes
+      of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by the side of their young and
+      royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son of Daniel the
+      First, King of the Emerald Isle.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     * Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on
+     which the French cavalry were mounted?
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the republican
+      imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies, were marching on
+      the French capital. The Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the lunatic
+      asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his captivity,
+      which caused only derision in the capital. Such was the state of the
+      empire, and such the clouds that were gathering round the Sun of Orleans!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo misfortunes;
+      and now, as then, he met them like a man. The Prince of Joinville was not
+      successful in his campaign against the Imperial Pretender: and that
+      bravery which had put the British fleet to flight, was found, as might be
+      expected, insufficient against the irresistible courage of native
+      Frenchmen. The Horse Marines, not being on their own element, could not
+      act with their usual effect. Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling
+      seas, they were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne
+      country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between the
+      troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for both armies had
+      reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought underneath the walls. For
+      some time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville, entrenched in the
+      champagne cellars of Messrs. Ruinart, Moet, and others; but making too
+      free with the fascinating liquor, the army at length became entirely
+      drunk: on which the Imperialists, rushing into the cellars, had an easy
+      victory over them; and, this done, proceeded to intoxicate themselves
+      likewise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was compelled
+      with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and Prince Napoleon
+      remained master of the field of battle. It is needless to recapitulate the
+      bulletin which he published the day after the occasion, so soon as he and
+      his secretaries were in a condition to write: eagles, pyramids, rainbows,
+      the sun of Austerlitz, &amp;c., figured in the proclamation, in close
+      imitation of his illustrious uncle. But the great benefit of the action
+      was this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers of
+      Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army, and
+      made common cause with them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Soldiers!&rdquo; said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after the
+      action, &ldquo;the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the Eagle! Your
+      colors are not changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow&mdash;yours on
+      the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious. Soldiers of Joinville! we
+      give you welcome, as we would welcome your illustrious leader, who
+      destroyed the fleets of Albion. Let him join us! We will march together
+      against that perfidious enemy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday's glorious
+      day! Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of our native
+      Champagne. Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge into
+      dissipation, that we have Rome still to conquer!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Soldiers! Seltzer-water is good after too much drink. Wait awhile, and
+      your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it
+      lies BEYOND THE RHINE!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Deafening shouts of &ldquo;Vive l'Empereur!&rdquo; saluted this allusion of the
+      Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be restored
+      to them. The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville
+      likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince's cause. The
+      Journal des Debats did not know which way to turn. In one paragraph it
+      called the Emperor &ldquo;a sanguinary tyrant, murderer, and pickpocket;&rdquo; in a
+      second it owned he was &ldquo;a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;&rdquo;
+       and, after proclaiming &ldquo;the brilliant victory of the Prince of Joinville,&rdquo;
+       presently denominated it a &ldquo;funeste journee.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to march on
+      Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and requested to be
+      paid for 300,000 bottles of wine. &ldquo;Send three hundred thousand more to the
+      Tuileries,&rdquo; said the Prince, sternly: &ldquo;our soldiers will be thirsty when
+      they reach Paris.&rdquo; And taking Moet with him as a hostage, and promising
+      Ruinart that he would have him shot unless he obeyed, with trumpets
+      playing and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial army marched
+      on their triumphant way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER V.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE BATTLE OF TOURS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours against his
+      advancing cousin, Henry V. His Royal Highness could not march against the
+      enemy with such a force as he would have desired to bring against them;
+      for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast amount of property he
+      had stowed away under the Tuileries, refused to allow a single soldier to
+      quit the forts round the capital, which thus was defended by one hundred
+      and forty-four thousand guns (eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred and
+      thirty-two thousand men:&mdash;little enough, when one considers that
+      there were but three men to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a
+      population of double the amount within the walls, his Majesty caused the
+      country to be scoured for fifty miles round, and left neither ox, nor ass,
+      nor blade of grass. When appealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered
+      district, the royal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart
+      bled for them&mdash;that they were his children&mdash;that every cow taken
+      from the meanest peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that
+      duty must be done, that the interests of the country demanded the
+      sacrifice, and that in fact, they might go to the deuce. This the
+      unfortunate creatures certainly did.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The Journal des Debats
+      stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the Chambers sat&mdash;such
+      as remained&mdash;and talked immensely about honor, dignity, and the
+      glorious revolution of July; and the King, as his power was now pretty
+      nigh absolute over them, thought this a good opportunity to bring in a
+      bill for doubling his children's allowances all round.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there was
+      nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support his famished
+      troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to ransack the next fifty
+      miles in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops were not such
+      as they should have been, considering the enemy with whom they had to
+      engage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fact is, that most of the Duke's army consisted of the National Guard;
+      who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of &ldquo;LA PATRIE EN DANGER&rdquo;
+       having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted by his
+      Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of
+      food-consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that he
+      selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to send forth
+      against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers, the lawyers, &amp;c.
+      Their parting with their families was very affecting. They would have been
+      very willing to recall their offer of marching, but companies of stern
+      veterans closing round them, marched them to the city gates, which were
+      closed upon them; and thus perforce they were compelled to move on. As
+      long as he had a bottle of brandy and a couple of sausages in his
+      holsters, the General of the National Guard, Odillon Barrot, talked with
+      tremendous courage. Such was the power of his eloquence over the troops,
+      that, could he have come up with the enemy while his victuals lasted, the
+      issue of the combat might have been very different. But in the course of
+      the first day's march he finished both the sausages and the brandy, and
+      became quite uneasy, silent, and crest-fallen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver Loire, that
+      the armies sat down before each other, and the battle was to take place
+      which had such an effect upon the fortunes of France. 'Twas a brisk day of
+      March: the practised valor of Nemours showed him at once what use to make
+      of the army under his orders, and having enfiladed his National Guard
+      battalions, and placed his artillery in echelons, he formed his cavalry
+      into hollow squares on the right and left of his line, flinging out a
+      cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the main column. His veteran infantry
+      he formed behind his National Guard&mdash;politely hinting to Odillon
+      Barrot, who wished to retire under pretence of being exceedingly unwell,
+      that the regular troops would bayonet the National Guard if they gave way
+      an inch: on which their General, turning very pale, demurely went back to
+      his post. His men were dreadfully discouraged; they had slept on the
+      ground all night; they regretted their homes and their comfortable
+      nightcaps in the Rue St. Honore: they had luckily fallen in with a flock
+      of sheep and a drove of oxen at Tours the day before; but what were these,
+      compared to the delicacies of Chevet's or three courses at Vefour's? They
+      mournfully cooked their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a
+      most wretched night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part in
+      better order. The noble cavalry regiments found a village in which they
+      made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins's Foot taking possession of
+      the kitchens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish Brigade, accustomed
+      to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato fields, where they sang
+      Moore's melodies all night. There were, besides the troops regular and
+      irregular, about three thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed
+      with scourging-whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these
+      reverend men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the
+      operations of the regular forces.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see the
+      alacrity with which Jenkins's regiment sprung up at the FIRST reveille of
+      the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices almost menial for
+      the benefit of their French allies. The Duke himself set the example, and
+      blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half-past ten, after coffee,
+      the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were ready; their clarions rung to
+      horse, their banners were given to the wind, their shirt-collars were
+      exquisitely starched, and the whole air was scented with the odors of
+      their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri. &ldquo;My faithful
+      Duke!&rdquo; said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot, &ldquo;thou art always
+      at THY POST.&rdquo; &ldquo;Here, as in Wellington Street, sire,&rdquo; said the hero,
+      blushing. And the Prince made an appropriate speech to his chivalry, in
+      which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard and Henri Quatre, were,
+      as may be imagined, not spared. &ldquo;Ho! standard-bearer!&rdquo; the Prince
+      concluded, &ldquo;fling out my oriflamme. Noble gents of France, your King is
+      among you to-day!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking
+      whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara,
+      &ldquo;Prince,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the French
+      history&mdash;we will not deprive you of the honor of winning this. You
+      will please to commence the attack with your brigade.&rdquo; Bending his head
+      until the green plumes of his beaver mingled with the mane of the Shetland
+      pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland trotted off with his
+      aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses, powerful grays, with which a
+      dealer at Nantz had supplied them on their and the Prince's joint bill at
+      three months.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in their
+      potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their beloved Prince.
+      Their toilet was the work of a moment&mdash;a single shake and it was
+      done. Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their Generals,&mdash;who,
+      turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely determined to fight on
+      foot. Behind them came the line of British foot under the illustrious
+      Jenkins, who marched in advance perfectly collected, and smoking a Manilla
+      cigar. The cavalry were on the right and left of the infantry, prepared to
+      act in pontoon, in echelon, or in ricochet, as occasion might demand. The
+      Prince rode behind, supported by his Staff, who were almost all of them
+      bishops, archdeacons, or abbes; and the body of ecclesiastics followed,
+      singing to the sound, or rather howl, of serpents and trombones, the Latin
+      canticles of the Reverend Franciscus O'Mahony, lately canonized under the
+      name of Saint Francis of Cork.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in presence&mdash;the
+      National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade. The white belts and fat
+      paunches of the Guard presented a terrific appearance; but it might have
+      been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were as white as
+      their belts, and the long line of their bayonets might be seen to quiver.
+      General Odillon Barrot, with a cockade as large as a pancake, endeavored
+      to make a speech: the words honneur, patrie, Francais, champ de bataille
+      might be distinguished; but the General was dreadfully flustered, and was
+      evidently more at home in the Chamber of Deputies than in the field of
+      war.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech. &ldquo;Boys,&rdquo;
+       said he, &ldquo;we've enough talking at the Corn Exchange; bating's the word
+      now.&rdquo; The Green-Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo, which sent
+      terror into the fat bosoms of the French.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gentlemen of the National Guard,&rdquo; said the Prince, taking off his hat and
+      bowing to Odillon Barrot, &ldquo;will ye be so igsthramely obleeging as to fire
+      first.&rdquo; This he said because it had been said at Fontenoy, but chiefly
+      because his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and therefore could
+      not fire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen: for
+      though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing was the
+      thing of all others they detested&mdash;the noise, and the kick of the
+      gun, and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to them. &ldquo;We won't
+      fire,&rdquo; said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Saugrenue and his
+      regiment of the line&mdash;which, it may be remembered, was formed behind
+      the National Guard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then give them the bayonet,&rdquo; said the Colonel, with a terrific oath.
+      &ldquo;Charge, corbleu!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was heard, the
+      National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and with immense
+      velocity, towards the foe. The fact is, that the line regiment behind
+      them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between the
+      coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded forward with an
+      irresistible swiftness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre. The
+      Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the wind. The
+      Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon Barrot through the
+      body, when he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered
+      tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping. The Princes of
+      Donegal and Connemara were taken prisoners; but though they offered to
+      give bills at three months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their
+      ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the
+      Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had been
+      robbed of their ready money by his troops, who had taken them prisoners,
+      caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and lent them each
+      a sum of money. How generous are men in success!&mdash;the Prince of
+      Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National Guards, and thought
+      his victory secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with the brief words,
+      &ldquo;We met the enemy before Tours. The National Guard has done its duty. The
+      troops of the pretender are routed. Vive le Roi!&rdquo; The note, you may be
+      sure, appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the editor, who only that
+      morning had called Henri V. &ldquo;a great prince, an august exile,&rdquo; denominated
+      him instantly a murderer, slave, thief, cut-throat, pickpocket, and
+      burglar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British
+      infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade. Borne on with the hurry of the
+      melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with running, and
+      forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks
+      which had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National Guardsmen
+      found themselves suddenly in presence of Jenkins's Foot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!&rdquo; were the memorable words of the Duke Jenkins, as,
+      waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and with a tremendous
+      shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!&mdash;Down went plume and
+      cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain, down went grocer and tailor,
+      under the long staves of the indomitable English Footmen. &ldquo;A Jenkins! a
+      Jenkins!&rdquo; roared the Duke, planting a blow which broke the aquiline nose
+      of Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. &ldquo;St. George for Mayfair!&rdquo;
+       shouted his followers, strewing the plain with carcasses. Not a man of the
+      Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais,&rdquo; said the Duke of
+      Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass. &ldquo;'Tis a pity they will all
+      be cut up in half an hour. Concombre! take your dragoons, and do it!&rdquo;
+       &ldquo;Remember Waterloo, boys!&rdquo; said Colonel Concombre, twirling his moustache,
+      and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun, and the gallant hussars prepared
+      to attack the Englishmen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the havoc
+      of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy's manoeuvre. His people
+      were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard, and had made a
+      tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell out of his pocket, (it
+      was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife or bugle,) speedily
+      called his scattered warriors together. &ldquo;Take the muskets of the
+      Nationals,&rdquo; said he. They did so. &ldquo;Form in square, and prepare to receive
+      cavalry!&rdquo; By the time Concombre's regiment arrived, he found a square of
+      bristling bayonets with Britons behind them!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body. &ldquo;Halt!&rdquo;
+       said he to his men.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Fire!&rdquo; screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the
+      National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off. The
+      hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not return to the
+      attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to
+      charge upon them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. The Millefleur
+      regiment broke before Concombre's hussars instantaneously; the Eau-de-Rose
+      dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped far out of
+      reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne lancers fainted to a
+      man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing its course, had actually
+      reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp, when the clergymen coming up
+      formed gallantly round the oriflamme, and the bassoons and serpents
+      braying again, set up such a shout of canticles, and anathemas, and
+      excommunications, that the horses of Concombre's dragoons in turn took
+      fright, and those warriors in their turn broke and fled. As soon as they
+      turned, the Vendean riflemen fired amongst them and finished them: the
+      gallant Concombre fell; the intrepid though diminutive Cornichon, his
+      major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la moelle, and the wife of the
+      fiery Navet was that day a widow. Peace to the souls of the brave! In
+      defeat or in victory, where can the soldier find a more fitting
+      resting-place than the glorious field of carnage? Only a few disorderly
+      and dispirited riders of Concombre's regiment reached Tours at night. They
+      had left it but the day before, a thousand disciplined and high-spirited
+      men!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands, the
+      intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and charged the
+      Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD STEEL. The Frenchmen
+      delivered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins's cockade, but
+      did not abide the crossing of the weapons. &ldquo;A Frenchman dies, but never
+      surrenders,&rdquo; said Saugrenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole regiment
+      were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoners. The blood of the
+      Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their curses were horrible; their
+      courage tremendous. &ldquo;On! on!&rdquo; hoarsely screamed they; and a second
+      regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling, grinding
+      encounter. &ldquo;A Jenkins, a Jenkins!&rdquo; still roared the heroic Duke: &ldquo;St.
+      George for Mayfair!&rdquo; The Footmen of England still yelled their terrific
+      battle-cry, &ldquo;Hurra, hurra!&rdquo; On they went; regiment after regiment was
+      annihilated, until, scared at the very trample of the advancing warriors,
+      the dismayed troops of France screaming fled. Gathering his last warriors
+      round about him, Nemours determined to make a last desperate effort. 'Twas
+      vain: the ranks met; the next moment the truncheon of the Prince of
+      Orleans was dashed from his hand by the irresistible mace of the Duke
+      Jenkins; his horse's shins were broken by the same weapon. Screaming with
+      agony the animal fell. Jenkins's hand was at the Duke's collar in a
+      moment, and had he not gasped out, &ldquo;Je me rends!&rdquo; he would have been
+      throttled in that dreadful grasp!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments, their
+      baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands of the
+      victorious Duke. He had avenged the honor of Old England; and himself
+      presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who now
+      came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his neck and said, &ldquo;Duke,
+      I owe my crown to my patron saint and you.&rdquo; It was indeed a glorious
+      victory: but what will not British valor attain?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris, saying,
+      &ldquo;Sire, all is lost except honor!&rdquo; was sent off in confinement; and in
+      spite of the entreaties of his captor, was hardly treated with decent
+      politeness. The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when the
+      affair was over, were for having the Prince shot at once, and murmured
+      loudly against &ldquo;cet Anglais brutal&rdquo; who interposed in behalf of the
+      prisoner. Henri V. granted the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided by
+      the advice of his noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the
+      illustrious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him to
+      supper that night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well!&rdquo; said Jenkins, &ldquo;I and my merry men can sup alone.&rdquo; And, indeed,
+      having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men, they had
+      wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable. The prisoners (25,403)
+      were all without difficulty induced to assume the white cockade. Most of
+      them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in their flannel-waistcoats,
+      where they swore they had worn them ever since 1830. This we may believe,
+      and we will; but the Prince Henri was too politic or too good-humored in
+      the moment of victory, to doubt the sincerity of his new subjects'
+      protestations, and received the Colonels and Generals affably at his
+      table.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies. &ldquo;Faithful
+      soldiers of France and Navarre,&rdquo; said the Prince, &ldquo;the saints have won for
+      us a great victory&mdash;the enemies of our religion have been overcome&mdash;the
+      lilies are restored to their native soil. Yesterday morning at eleven
+      o'clock the army under my command engaged that which was led by his SERENE
+      Highness the Duke de Nemours. Our forces were but a third in number when
+      compared with those of the enemy. My faithful chivalry and nobles made the
+      strength, however, equal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The regiments of Fleur-d'Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne covered
+      themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the enemy's troops.
+      Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical
+      friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round my banner, and forsaking
+      the crosier for the sword, showed that they were of the church militant
+      indeed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming heroism&mdash;but
+      why particularize when all did their duty? How remember individual acts
+      when all were heroes?&rdquo; The Marshal of France, Sucre d'Orgeville, Commander
+      of the Army of H.M. Christian Majesty, recommended about three thousand
+      persons for promotion; and the indignation of Jenkins and his brave
+      companions may be imagined when it is stated that they were not even
+      mentioned in the despatch!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they wrote off
+      despatches to their Government, saying, &ldquo;The Duke of Nemours is beaten,
+      and a prisoner! The Irish Brigade has done it all!&rdquo; On which his Majesty
+      the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the Corn Exchange
+      Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which he called Louis Philippe an &ldquo;old
+      miscreant,&rdquo; and paid the highest compliments to his son and his troops.
+      The King on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan, Sir Gavan Duffy
+      (whose journals had published the news), and was so delighted with the
+      valor of his son, that he despatched him his order of the Pig and Whistle
+      (1st class), and a munificent present of five hundred thousand pounds&mdash;in
+      a bill at three months. All Dublin was illuminated; and at a ball at the
+      Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith (Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely
+      intoxicated, called out the Lord Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they
+      fought in the Phoenix Park. Having shot the Right Reverend Bishop through
+      the body, Smithereens apologized. He was the same practitioner who had
+      rendered himself so celebrated in the memorable trial of the King&mdash;before
+      the Act of Independence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides towards
+      Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for extraordinary were
+      the events preparing in that capital.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE LEAGUER OF PARIS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of Henri
+      V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the Emperor John
+      Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place between the
+      advanced-guards of the two parties, and much slaughter ensued.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Bon!&rdquo; thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his tower;
+      &ldquo;they will kill each other. This is by far the most economical way of
+      getting rid of them.&rdquo; The astute monarch's calculations were admirably
+      exposed by a clever remark of the Prince of Ballybunion. &ldquo;Faix, Harry,&rdquo;
+       says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious son of Saint Louis
+      resented), &ldquo;you and him yandther&mdash;the Emperor, I mane&mdash;are like
+      the Kilkenny cats, dear.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de
+      Ballybunion?&rdquo; asked the Most Christian King haughtily.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the animals
+      &ldquo;ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that's what you and Imparial
+      Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are,&rdquo; added the jocose and royal
+      boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires,&rdquo; answered
+      Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like a joke; but
+      there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have been well for his
+      Most Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious counsels of his Irish
+      ally.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the garrisons of
+      some of the forts, and expected all would declare for him. However, of the
+      twenty-four forts which we have described, eight only&mdash;and by the
+      means of Marshal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late years&mdash;declared
+      for Henri, and raised the white flag: while eight others, seeing Prince
+      John Thomas Napoleon before them in the costume of his revered
+      predecessor, at once flung open their gates to him, and mounted the
+      tricolor with the eagle. The remaining eight, into which the Princes of
+      the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained constant to Louis
+      Philippe. Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the Tuileries. His
+      money was there, and he swore he would remain by it. In vain his sons
+      offered to bring him into one of the forts&mdash;he would not stir without
+      his treasure. They said they would transport it thither; but no, no: the
+      patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged nose, and winking
+      archly, said &ldquo;he knew a trick worth two of that,&rdquo; and resolved to abide by
+      his bags.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three
+      centimes. The Journal des Debats published three editions of different
+      tones of politics: one, the Journal de l'Empire, for the Napoleonites; the
+      Journal de la Legitimite another, very complimentary to the Legitimate
+      monarch; and finally, the original edition, bound heart and soul to the
+      dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had to write all three, complained
+      not a little that his salary was not raised: but the truth is, that, by
+      altering the names, one article did indifferently for either paper. The
+      Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was always issuing
+      manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians took little heed:
+      the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was allowed to be very
+      witty at the expense of the three pretenders.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the respective
+      Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the forts, where there
+      was plenty of provision; and, when once there, they speedily began to turn
+      out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to them, or had an
+      inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity. These poor fellows
+      turned into the road, had no choice but starvation; as to getting into
+      Paris, that was impossible: a mouse could not have got into the place, so
+      admirably were the forts guarded, without having his head taken off by a
+      cannon-ball. Thus the three conflicting parties stood, close to each
+      other, hating each other, &ldquo;willing to wound and yet afraid to strike&rdquo;&mdash;the
+      victuals in the forts, from the prodigious increase of the garrisons,
+      getting smaller every day. As for Louis Philippe in his palace, in the
+      centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing that a spark from one might set
+      them all blazing away, and that he and his money-bags might be blown into
+      eternity in ten minutes, you may fancy his situation was not very
+      comfortable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperialists nor the
+      Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and fifty billions
+      in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon that
+      considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their revered father. How
+      was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note to his Most
+      Christian Majesty (for they always styled each other in this manner in
+      their communications), proposing that they should turn out and decide the
+      quarrel sword in hand; to which proposition Henri would have acceded, but
+      that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to excommunicate him
+      should he do so. Hence this simple way of settling the dispute was
+      impossible.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in the
+      forts. Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were subject to much
+      petty persecution, to the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander. And
+      it must be confessed that these intrepid Footmen were not so amenable to
+      discipline as they might have been. Remembering the usages of merry
+      England, they clubbed together, and swore they would have four meals of
+      meat a day, wax-candles in the casemates, and their porter. These demands
+      were laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast on Fridays; on
+      which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and they would have had
+      a FOURTH standard raised before Paris&mdash;viz., that of England&mdash;but
+      the garrison proving too strong for them, they were compelled to lay down
+      their sticks; and, in consideration of past services, were permitted to
+      leave the forts. 'Twas well for them! as you shall hear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the fort
+      which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and where they made
+      themselves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes had as
+      much brandy as they liked, and passed their time on the ramparts playing
+      at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with the halfpenny that one of them somehow
+      had) for vast sums of money, for which they gave their notes-of-hand. The
+      warriors of their legion would stand round delighted; and it was, &ldquo;Musha,
+      Master Dan, but that's a good throw!&rdquo; &ldquo;Good luck to you, Misther Pat, and
+      throw thirteen this time!&rdquo; and so forth. But this sort of inaction could
+      not last long. They had heard of the treasures amassed in the palace of
+      the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought of the lack of bullion in
+      their green and beautiful country. They panted for war! They formed their
+      plan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0040" id="link2HCH0040">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis Philippe
+      was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing that what the
+      journal said about &ldquo;Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the Pretender Henri,&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Chicken-pox
+      raging in the Forts of the Traitor Bonaparte,&rdquo;&mdash;might be true, what
+      was his surprise to hear the report of a gun; and at the same instant&mdash;whiz!
+      came an eighty-four-pound ball through the window and took off the head of
+      the faithful Monsieur de Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of
+      muffins.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Three francs for the window,&rdquo; said the monarch; &ldquo;and the muffins of
+      course spoiled!&rdquo; and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly. Ah, King
+      Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window-pane&mdash;more
+      than a plate of muffins&mdash;it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty
+      millions of tax-payers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. &ldquo;Gracious heavens!&rdquo; said the
+      commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, &ldquo;What has your
+      Highness done?&rdquo; &ldquo;Faix,&rdquo; replied the other, &ldquo;Donegal and I saw a sparrow on
+      the Tuileries, and we thought we'd have a shot at it, that's all.&rdquo;
+       &ldquo;Hurroo! look out for squalls,&rdquo; here cried the intrepid Hibernian; for at
+      this moment one of Paixhans' shells fell into the counterscarp of the
+      demilune on which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple of
+      embrasures flying about their ears.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort
+      Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly replied by
+      its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite fort. On seeing
+      this, Fort Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummelling
+      Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and in a quarter of an hour
+      the whole of this vast line of fortification was in a blaze of flame,
+      flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing, bombing, in the most tremendous
+      manner. The world has never perhaps, before or since, heard such an
+      uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thundering at each other. Fancy
+      the sky red with the fires of hundreds of thousands of blazing, brazen
+      meteors; the air thick with impenetrable smoke&mdash;the universe almost
+      in a flame! for the noise of the cannonading was heard on the peaks of the
+      Andes, and broke three windows in the English factory at Canton. Boom,
+      boom, boom! for three days incessantly the gigantic&mdash;I may say,
+      Cyclopean battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong! The air was thick with
+      cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each other in the heavens, and
+      fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into the very forts from which
+      they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong&mdash;brrwrrwrrr!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke permitted it)
+      assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have been heard (if the
+      tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed it) giving mysterious
+      signs and countersigns. &ldquo;Tom,&rdquo; was the word whispered, &ldquo;Steele&rdquo; was the
+      sibilated response. (It is astonishing how, in the roar of elements, THE
+      HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!) It was the Irish Brigade assembling. &ldquo;Now
+      or never, boys!&rdquo; said their leaders; and sticking their doodeens into
+      their mouths, they dropped stealthily into the trenches, heedless of the
+      broken glass and sword-blades; rose from those trenches; formed in silent
+      order; and marched to Paris. They knew they could arrive there unobserved&mdash;nobody,
+      indeed, remarked their absence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves at
+      their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which Arnal
+      performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new feuilleton by
+      Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated to the
+      journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme without the
+      walls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2HCH0041" id="link2HCH0041">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      LOUIS XVII.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the
+      inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it may be
+      remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty of
+      demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his pretensions, had
+      not failed to strike with awe and respect his four thousand comrades of
+      captivity. The Emperor of China, the Princess of the Moon, Julius Caesar,
+      Saint Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome, the Cacique
+      of Mexico, and several singular and illustrious personages who happened to
+      be confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.; and all agreed
+      that now or never was the time to support his legitimate pretensions to
+      the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around them, they howled with
+      furious delight in response. They took counsel together: Dr. Pinel and the
+      infamous jailers, who, under the name of keepers, held them in horrible
+      captivity, were pounced upon and overcome in a twinkling. The
+      strait-waistcoats were taken off from the wretched captives languishing in
+      the dungeons; the guardians were invested in these shameful garments, and
+      with triumphant laughter plunged under the Douches. The gates of the
+      prison were flung open, and they marched forth in the blackness of the
+      storm!
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a gun
+      went off fitfully now and then.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, &ldquo;Tiens! ils sont
+      fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!&rdquo;&mdash;and why? Because there was no
+      more powder?&mdash;Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more forts, no
+      more nothing. THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP. The battle-roar ceased.
+      The battle-clouds rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling stars, looked
+      blandly down from the serene azure,&mdash;and all was peace&mdash;stillness&mdash;the
+      stillness of death. Holy, holy silence!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yes: the battle of Paris was over. And where were the combatants? All gone&mdash;not
+      one left!&mdash;And where was Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince was a
+      captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade was encamped around it: they
+      had reached the palace a little too late; it was already occupied by the
+      partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to the
+      Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. They burst through the feeble
+      barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the kingly halls of
+      the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his
+      ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats, of the fifth
+      of November; an important article, which proclaimed that the civil war was
+      concluded:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are at an
+      end. Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which agitated the
+      bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilization, may now
+      rest in peace. That monarch whom we have long been sighing for; whose
+      image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how passionately worshipped, in every
+      French heart, is with us once more. Blessings be on him; blessings&mdash;a
+      thousand blessings upon the happy country which is at length restored to
+      his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable sway!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his palace of
+      the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies. His Royal Highness the
+      Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the
+      kingdom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the Palais
+      Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his Royal Highness, who
+      happened to be in the late forts round Paris, (before the bombardment
+      which has so happily ended in their destruction,) had returned to their
+      father before the commencement of the cannonading. They will continue, as
+      heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the throne.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch's
+      proclamation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Louis, by &amp;c.&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'My children! After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of captivity, I am
+      restored to you. The cycle of events predicted by the ancient Magi, and
+      the planetary convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books, have
+      fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as always in the
+      depths of my dungeons I confidently expected) in the triumph of the good
+      Angel, and the utter discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced their
+      hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by&mdash;in my palace of
+      Charenton, three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring
+      of Saturn&mdash;I witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and
+      I said, &ldquo;Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the signs of the
+      Zodiac mere astronomers' prattle?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr. Pinel.
+      The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive. I summoned my allies round
+      about me. The high contracting Powers came to my bidding: monarchs from
+      all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the Moon and other illumined
+      orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale imprisoned genii. I whispered
+      the mystic sign, and the doors flew open. We entered Paris in triumph, by
+      the Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the Octroi. The
+      bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts, and retreated, howling: they
+      knew us, and trembled.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me. I have a friend in
+      Turkey&mdash;the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a Protestant once&mdash;Lord
+      Brougham by name. I have sent to him to legislate for us: he is wise in
+      the law, and astrology, and all sciences; he shall aid my Ministers in
+      their councils. I have written to him by the post. There shall be no more
+      infamous mad-houses in France, where poor souls shiver in
+      strait-waistcoats.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was in his
+      counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned me. He
+      gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to use it. Taught
+      by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I will endow
+      the land with noble institutions instead of diabolical forts. I will have
+      no more cannon founded. They are a curse and shall be melted&mdash;the
+      iron ones into railroads; the bronze ones into statues of beautiful
+      saints, angels, and wise men; the copper ones into money, to be
+      distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no more
+      passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more physic.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I will it. I am the
+      king.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      (Signed) 'Louis.'&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the English
+      Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first about to sack the
+      city, but on hearing that the banner of the lilies was once more raised in
+      France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered his allegiance to
+      his Majesty. It was accepted: and the Plush Guard has been established in
+      place of the Swiss, who waited on former sovereigns.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our service.
+      Their commander states that they took every one of the forts round Paris,
+      and having blown them up, were proceeding to release Louis XVII., when
+      they found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their glorious
+      victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Majesty the King of the Irish.
+      It will be a new laurel to add to his green crown!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great French
+      Revolution of 1884. It records the actions of great and various
+      characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates wonderful reverses of
+      fortune; it affords the moralist scope for his philosophy; perhaps it
+      gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the latter imagine,
+      because there is not a precise moral affixed to the story, that its
+      tendency is otherwise than good. He is a poor reader, for whom his author
+      is obliged to supply a moral application. It is well in spelling-books and
+      for children; it is needless for the reflecting spirit. The drama of Punch
+      himself is not moral: but that drama has had audiences all over the world.
+      Happy he, who in our dark times can cause a smile! Let us laugh then, and
+      gladden in the sunshine, though it be but as the ray upon the pool, that
+      flickers only over the cold black depths below!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      COX'S DIARY.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the
+      neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both in
+      the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of a
+      girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of a
+      three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young
+      foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated
+      mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called Cox's
+      Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and
+      three-and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established cutting
+      and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I had my girl,
+      Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge, plaited her
+      hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of patent soaps,
+      &amp;c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was my hope that
+      Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another, would one day
+      be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son Tug, carry on
+      the business of hairdressers when their father was either dead or a
+      gentleman: for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections: though
+      her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr. Tuggeridge,
+      her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the &ldquo;Pigtail and Sparrow,&rdquo; in
+      the Whitechapel Road; from which place I married her; being myself very
+      fond of the article, and especially when she served it to me&mdash;the
+      dear thing!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am
+      proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and my
+      Bohemian balsam to support her!&mdash;and we had hopes from her uncle, a
+      mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty years
+      ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in India,
+      and was worth millions, we were told.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my
+      lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow
+      and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to his
+      son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland Place,
+      and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my wife took
+      her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to visit her uncle:
+      but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she somewhat sharp in
+      her way, (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you to know,) a
+      desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that day to the day of
+      his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would condescend to do,
+      was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in the course of the
+      year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by us. All the
+      neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, for Jemmy had
+      bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the connection was
+      always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet; Mr. Bar, the
+      coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly enough. I used
+      to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in my life saw old
+      Tuggeridge, except once: when he said &ldquo;Oh, the barber!&rdquo; tossed up his
+      nose, and passed on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day&mdash;one famous day last January&mdash;all our Market was thrown
+      into a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three
+      vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and
+      Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner (it being
+      Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port, and
+      was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough: at which proposal my
+      little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus):&mdash;we had just, I
+      say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows out, &ldquo;La, Pa,
+      here's uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cab!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough&mdash;Mrs. Breadbasket in deep
+      mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back
+      shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the world,
+      set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was very kind
+      of her to come. &ldquo;La, mem,&rdquo; says Mrs. B., &ldquo;I'm sure I'd do anything to
+      serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear
+      Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That's what?&rdquo; cries my wife.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What, gone?&rdquo; cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls will
+      about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and ready to
+      cry too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, gaw&mdash;&rdquo; Just as she was at this very &ldquo;gaw&rdquo; Tug roars out, &ldquo;La,
+      Pa! here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back
+      into the parlor with my ladies. &ldquo;What is it, Mr. Bar?&rdquo; says I; and as
+      quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair,
+      and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made some
+      resistance.&mdash;&ldquo;Don't think of it, Mr. Cox,&rdquo; says he; &ldquo;don't trouble
+      yourself, sir.&rdquo; But I lathered away and never minded. &ldquo;And what's this
+      melancholy event, sir,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;that has spread desolation in your
+      family's bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir&mdash;I can feel for your
+      loss.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because
+      Tuggeridge was my uncle&mdash;no, as such I disown him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Bar was just about to speak. &ldquo;Yes, sir,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;my master's gaw&mdash;&rdquo;
+       when at the &ldquo;gaw&rdquo; in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!&mdash;the finest
+      gentleman I ever saw.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!&rdquo; says he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A mighty wet day, sir,&rdquo; says I to Mr. Hock&mdash;stepping up and making
+      my bow. &ldquo;A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that
+      you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir,&rdquo; said Mr. Hock, making a bow: &ldquo;but
+      from you, sir, never&mdash;no, never, split me!&mdash;and I wonder how
+      some fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!&rdquo;
+       With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly
+      opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between
+      the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser
+      into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's
+      mouth&mdash;a capital way to stop angry answers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a
+      hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black coat
+      with a bag.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What, you here!&rdquo; says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it seemed
+      that everybody was to begin by saying, &ldquo;What, YOU here!&rdquo; &ldquo;Your name is
+      Cox, sir?&rdquo; says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine. &ldquo;My name,
+      sir, is Sharpus,&mdash;Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple Lane,&mdash;and
+      I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,&mdash;that is to say, sorry to say
+      that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is heiress,
+      in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of
+      Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed to
+      Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a wince out:&mdash;Mrs. C.,
+      Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid
+      tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?&rdquo; says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why&mdash;hee, hee, hee!&rdquo; says Mr. Sharpus. &ldquo;Surely you know that he was
+      only the&mdash;hee, hee, hee!&mdash;the natural son!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so
+      eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. Sharpus say there
+      was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John
+      Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as
+      they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the
+      news.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would
+      have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted,
+      &ldquo;Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and we have not; had
+      we not better keep them for a little?&rdquo;&mdash;Keep them, then, we did, to
+      show us how to be gentlefolks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of
+      premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for it;
+      but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the shop he
+      should.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      FIRST ROUT.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house without
+      friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and I
+      was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, Captain
+      Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into distinguished
+      society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us the honor of
+      lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him, and of his
+      little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing of our good
+      fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a little glad
+      to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond of our
+      Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on one
+      occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor girl: a
+      clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond of her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune,
+      though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him to come and
+      take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima
+      very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and to
+      look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a great
+      scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was
+      forbidden the house&mdash;for ever!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. &ldquo;You see,
+      sir,&rdquo; our Jemmy would say, &ldquo;we shall have our town and country mansion,
+      and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave between
+      our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to have the
+      first society of England.&rdquo; To this Tagrag agreed, and promised to bring us
+      acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what's more, did.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays and
+      Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and Jemimarann, with
+      two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way, and whose very beards
+      I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent straight off to the most
+      fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend Doctor Pigney's, at
+      Richmond.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the papers
+      about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way: double your name and stick an &ldquo;e&rdquo; to
+      the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect in a
+      wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty society
+      about us. Some of old Tug's friends swore they would do anything for the
+      family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. Coxe and
+      her charming girl; and when, about the first week in February, we
+      announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the twenty-eighth, I
+      assure you there was no want of company: no, nor of titles neither; and it
+      always does my heart good even to hear one mentioned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his
+      seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner): there
+      was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron
+      von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent
+      literati, author of &ldquo;The Distrusted&rdquo; &ldquo;The Distorted,&rdquo; &ldquo;The Disgusted,&rdquo;
+       &ldquo;The Disreputable One,&rdquo; and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady Max
+      and her daughter, the Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles
+      Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A.,
+      K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala: my
+      friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, made
+      up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in black,
+      with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs. C. had
+      dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were seen round the
+      dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of
+      elation, and thought to myself&mdash;Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever would have
+      expected to see you here?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and to this
+      Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility
+      that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to
+      tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and
+      the Ladies North Pole her daughters; when I say that there were yet
+      OTHERS, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of
+      modesty, be mentioned here, I think I've said enough to show that, in our
+      time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer Cordongblew.
+      I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol allamater dotell,
+      a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French dishes: and, for
+      the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles, called Champang, I
+      must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-Tuggeridge Coxe drank a very good share of
+      it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish).
+      However, the feed, as I say, went off very well: Lady Blanche Bluenose
+      sitting next to me, and being so good as to put me down for six copies of
+      all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter engaging Jemimarann for
+      several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my dear Jemmy with
+      Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as red as her new
+      crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and bird-of-paradise
+      feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:&mdash;thunder-under-under
+      came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert's fiddlers
+      began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the gents thought
+      it high time to make our appearance. I felt a LITTLE squeamish at the
+      thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people; but Count Mace and
+      Sir Gorman O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we reached, at last, the
+      drawing-room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great
+      ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working
+      away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann
+      amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron
+      Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle of
+      the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she
+      wasn't there! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking very
+      sulky; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the place
+      where the Duchesses were. &ldquo;Oh, not there!&rdquo; said Jemmy, trying to break
+      away. &ldquo;Nonsense, my dear,&rdquo; says I: &ldquo;you are missis, and this is your
+      place.&rdquo; Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, &ldquo;Me and my
+      missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I went on: &ldquo;The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see; and so we
+      thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am, I
+      think, are too stiff to dance.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sir!&rdquo; says her Grace.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ma'am,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;don't you know me? My name's Cox. Nobody's introduced
+      me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself&mdash;so
+      give us your hand, ma'am.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but&mdash;would you
+      believe it?&mdash;the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot
+      'tater. &ldquo;Fitzurse! Fitzurse!&rdquo; shouted she, &ldquo;help! help!&rdquo; Up scuffled all
+      the other Dowagers&mdash;in rushed the dancers. &ldquo;Mamma! mamma!&rdquo; squeaked
+      Lady Julia North Pole. &ldquo;Lead me to my mother,&rdquo; howled Lady Aurorer: and
+      both came up and flung themselves into her arms. &ldquo;Wawt's the raw?&rdquo; said
+      Lord Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Protect me from the insults of this man,&rdquo; says her Grace. &ldquo;Where's
+      Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My dear Duchess,&rdquo; said Tufthunt, very meek.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Don't Duchess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak; and
+      hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn't his
+      monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people,
+      Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And my carriage,&rdquo; &ldquo;And mine,&rdquo; &ldquo;And mine!&rdquo; shouted twenty more voices. And
+      down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche Bluenose and Lady Max
+      among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal and one or two men,
+      who roared with laughter ready to split.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, Sam,&rdquo; said my wife, sobbing, &ldquo;why would you take me back to them?
+      they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess whether she didn't
+      like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos: and&mdash;would
+      you believe it?&mdash;all the company burst out laughing; and the Duchess
+      told me just to keep off, and not to speak till I was spoken to.
+      Imperence! I'd like to tear her eyes out.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still upon
+      fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to
+      Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here
+      there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and
+      suppers, danced at our balls&mdash;ay, and spoke to us too. We were great
+      people in fact: I a regular country gentleman; and as such, Jemmy insisted
+      that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. &ldquo;But,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;my
+      love, I can't ride.&rdquo; &ldquo;Pooh! Mr. C.&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;you're always making
+      difficulties: you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille; you thought you
+      couldn't dine at seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't lie in bed after
+      six; and haven't you done every one of these things? You must and you
+      shall ride!&rdquo; And when my Jemmy said &ldquo;must and shall,&rdquo; I knew very well
+      there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to the hunt, and,
+      out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received notice that the
+      meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail Common, just outside my
+      lodge-gates.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was most
+      probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag explained this
+      matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a delightful
+      animal of his own; which, being desperately pressed for money, he would
+      let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having given a hundred and
+      fifty for it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. C.
+      turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being helped up on my
+      chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came presently
+      round to join them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, &ldquo;I thought,&rdquo;
+       he said, &ldquo;you told me you knew how to ride; and that you had ridden once
+      fifty miles on a stretch!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And so I did,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;to Cambridge, and on the box too.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;ON THE BOX!&rdquo; says he; &ldquo;but did you ever mount a horse before?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Never,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;but I find it mighty easy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe,
+      for your spirit.&rdquo; And so we came out of the gate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt,
+      but what a hunt is&mdash;why the horses WILL go among the dogs and ride
+      them down&mdash;why the men cry out &ldquo;yooooic&rdquo;&mdash;why the dogs go
+      snuffing about in threes and fours, and the huntsman says, &ldquo;Good Towler&mdash;good
+      Betsy,&rdquo; and we all of us after him say, &ldquo;Good Towler&mdash;good Betsy&rdquo; in
+      course: then, after hearing a yelp here and a howl there, tow, row, yow,
+      yow, yow! burst out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the
+      chap in a velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat
+      here), &ldquo;Hark, to Ringwood!&rdquo; and then, &ldquo;There he goes!&rdquo; says some one; and
+      all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping,
+      screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays, horses,
+      dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard boys, go
+      tearing all together over the common after two or three of the pack that
+      yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can't say; but it all took place the
+      second Thursday of last March, in my presence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been
+      trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I managed to
+      stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went Trumpeter
+      like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the dogs like the
+      donkey among the chickens. &ldquo;Back, Mr. Coxe,&rdquo; holloas the huntsman; and so
+      I pulled very hard, and cried out, &ldquo;Wo!&rdquo; but he wouldn't; and on I went
+      galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a wonder; but I squeezed my
+      knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very hard into the stirrups, and
+      kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's neck, and looked betwixt his
+      ears as well as ever I could, and trusted to luck: for I was in a mortal
+      fright, sure enough, as many a better man would be in such a case, let
+      alone a poor hairdresser.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you
+      honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; nothing in
+      this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-colored mane, and that I
+      gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking,
+      the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the &ldquo;Spicy Dustman,&rdquo; who,
+      when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out on
+      his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed to
+      keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly through the cross-roads, and
+      knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the hounds would
+      find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would take,
+      the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail to
+      Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt. There's a
+      small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the leading chaps
+      took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate, and so would I,
+      only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and be hanged to him,
+      and went right for it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your arms,
+      off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel&mdash;that is, I did&mdash;is
+      a most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the
+      stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree; Trumpeter gone clean from
+      under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of
+      the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse couldn't get
+      away: and neither of us, I thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of a
+      sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Holloa!&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;you gent, just let us down from this here tree!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lor'!&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Let's down,&rdquo; says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging
+      Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as
+      possible. &ldquo;Let's down,&rdquo; says I. &ldquo;Presently,&rdquo; says he; and taking off his
+      coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and saddle;
+      and when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did?&mdash;he just
+      quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, &ldquo;Git down yourself,
+      old Bearsgrease; you've only to drop! I'LL give your 'oss a hairing arter
+      them 'ounds; and you&mdash;vy, you may ride back my pony to
+      Tuggeridgeweal!&rdquo; And with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away, leaving
+      me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the branch
+      would break.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got out of
+      it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apollor
+      Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop window when I
+      was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our rose-oil.
+      Faugh! what a figure I was!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very
+      quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; and after a
+      weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; their
+      Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a number of horses
+      walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the hunt, who had
+      come in after losing their fox! &ldquo;Here's Squire Coxe!&rdquo; shouted the grooms.
+      Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of the hunt, and on trotted
+      poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody dying with laughter at me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed me; a
+      man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very gravely, to
+      help me down.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Squire,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git down,
+      will you, and give it to its howner?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Rascal!&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;didn't you ride off on my horse?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Was there ever sich ingratitude?&rdquo; says the Spicy. &ldquo;I found this year 'oss
+      in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his master, and
+      he calls me a rascal!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all set
+      up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed, as not
+      to be able to laugh just then.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I showed
+      great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but &ldquo;No,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;I HAVE been.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      THE FINISHING TOUCH.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram's in Greek
+      Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet twice a
+      week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted the first
+      man of the club; and could take five from John the marker himself. I had a
+      genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was placed in that station
+      of life where I could cultivate my talents, I gave them full play, and
+      improved amazingly. I do say that I think myself as good a hand as any
+      chap in England.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you,
+      astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three rubbers
+      Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him all
+      to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the
+      betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew
+      what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings,
+      so my skill was of no great service to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen were high
+      in words. &ldquo;The thing shall not be done,&rdquo; I heard Captain Tagrag say: &ldquo;I
+      won't stand it.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?&rdquo; said the
+      Baron.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar,&rdquo; said the Count: &ldquo;ve
+      vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What's all this, gents,&rdquo; says I, stepping in, &ldquo;about birds and feathers?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh,&rdquo; says Tagrag, &ldquo;we were talking about&mdash;about&mdash;pigeon-shooting;
+      the Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and
+      I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting,&rdquo; cries the Baron: &ldquo;and I know no
+      better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is
+      gabidal.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No doubt,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the
+      PIGEON.&rdquo; And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I didn't know
+      then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave Master Baron, that day,
+      a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than fifteen
+      shillings of his money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took in the
+      Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that celebrated
+      publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for me,
+      Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon&mdash;and
+      the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the kidney
+      species of that vegetable&mdash;made no small noise at the time, and got
+      me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant reader of
+      the Notices to Correspondents, and, my early education having been rayther
+      neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is the custom in
+      our trade, to practise on a sheep's head at the tender age of nine years,
+      before I was allowed to venture on the humane countenance,)&mdash;I say,
+      being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical learning, I must confess
+      I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of genteel information from that
+      treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at least sufficient to make me a match
+      in learning for all the noblemen and gentlemen who came to our house.
+      Well, on looking over the Flare-up notices to correspondents, I read, one
+      day last April, among the notices, as follows:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of Covent Garden
+      Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a married
+      man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's
+      second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn,
+      gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen
+      should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame Vestris:
+      her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of Charles
+      Mathews, the celebrated comedian.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in England, is
+      Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville:
+      Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a
+      hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his superior. Verbum sap.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how the
+      Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and both
+      agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his play,
+      would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We read
+      him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. &ldquo;Id is,&rdquo; he cried, &ldquo;the
+      tables&rdquo; (or &ldquo;de DABELS,&rdquo; as he called them),&mdash;&ldquo;de horrid dabels; gom
+      viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you.&rdquo; We all
+      roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy the
+      fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any tables he
+      chose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gut,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant; his
+      dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill.&rdquo; And I said I would: and
+      it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera, we
+      should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw: lots of
+      Champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and fun.
+      Afterwards, down we went to billiards. &ldquo;Is dish Misther Coxsh, de
+      shelebrated player?&rdquo; says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one or
+      two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen, dirty,
+      snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. &ldquo;Is dish Misther Coxsh? blesh
+      my hart, it is a honor to see you; I have heard so much of your play.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Come, come,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;sir&rdquo;&mdash;for I'm pretty wide awake&mdash;&ldquo;none of
+      your gammon; you're not going to book ME.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, begar, dis fish you not catch,&rdquo; says Count Mace.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dat is gut!&mdash;haw! haw!&rdquo; snorted the Baron. &ldquo;Hook him! Lieber Himmel,
+      you might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we went to play. &ldquo;Five to four on Coxe,&rdquo; screams out the Count.&mdash;&ldquo;Done
+      and done,&rdquo; says another nobleman. &ldquo;Ponays,&rdquo; says the Count.&mdash;&ldquo;Done,&rdquo;
+       says the nobleman. &ldquo;I vill take your six crowns to four,&rdquo; says the Baron.&mdash;&ldquo;Done,&rdquo;
+       says I. And, in the twinkling of an eye, I beat him once making thirteen
+      off the balls without stopping.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long
+      faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote
+      I.O.U.'s for the Count! &ldquo;Va toujours, mon cher,&rdquo; says he to me, &ldquo;you have
+      von for me three hundred pounds.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'll blay you guineas dis time,&rdquo; says the Baron. &ldquo;Zeven to four you must
+      give me though.&rdquo; And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT game was won, and
+      the Baron handed over his pounds. &ldquo;Two hundred and sixty more, my dear,
+      dear Coxe,&rdquo; says the Count: &ldquo;you are mon ange gardien!&rdquo; &ldquo;Wot a flat
+      Misther Coxsh is, not to back his luck,&rdquo; I hoard Abednego whisper to one
+      of the foreign noblemen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'll take your seven to four, in tens,&rdquo; said I to the Baron. &ldquo;Give me
+      three,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;and done.&rdquo; I gave him three, and lost the game by one.
+      &ldquo;Dobbel, or quits,&rdquo; says he. &ldquo;Go it,&rdquo; says I, up to my mettle: &ldquo;Sam Coxe
+      never says no;&rdquo; and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to his
+      five. &ldquo;Holy Moshesh!&rdquo; says Abednego, &ldquo;dat little Coxsh is a vonder! who'll
+      take odds?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'll give twenty to one,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;in guineas.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ponays; yase, done,&rdquo; screams out the Count.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;BONIES, done,&rdquo; roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak, went in,
+      and&mdash;would you believe it?&mdash;in two minutes he somehow made the
+      game!
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! In
+      vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies; and
+      when I refused, they both said their honor was concerned, and they must
+      have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually that,
+      in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from me, he
+      had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word of honor
+      of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that ponies had
+      been betted;&mdash;why, I paid them one thousand pounds sterling of good
+      and lawful money.&mdash;But I've not played for money since: no, no; catch
+      me at THAT again if you can.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, who knew
+      as much about music,&mdash;bless her!&mdash;as I do about Sanscrit,
+      algebra, or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second
+      tier. It was what they called a double box; it really COULD hold two, that
+      is, very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain&mdash;for five hundred
+      a year! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our
+      places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front; me, behind: but as my dear
+      wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich feathers,
+      birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin,
+      scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of the front
+      of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four times in
+      the course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight of the actors.
+      By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling Jemmy's sleeve, I
+      DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of Senior Lablash's
+      boots, in the &ldquo;Puritanny,&rdquo; and once actually saw Madame Greasi's crown and
+      head-dress in &ldquo;Annybalony.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us aristocracy
+      used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your three courses (three
+      curses I used to call them;&mdash;for so, indeed, they are, causing a deal
+      of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, pills, want of sleep, and such
+      like)&mdash;just, I say, as you get down your three courses, which I defy
+      any man to enjoy properly unless he has two hours of drink and quiet
+      afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as fine as a
+      duchess, and scented like our shop. &ldquo;Come, my dear,&rdquo; says she, &ldquo;it's
+      'Normy' to&mdash;night&rdquo; (or &ldquo;Annybalony,&rdquo; or the &ldquo;Nosey di Figaro,&rdquo; or the
+      &ldquo;Gazzylarder,&rdquo; as the case may be). &ldquo;Mr. Foster strikes off punctually at
+      eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present at the very
+      first bar of the aperture.&rdquo; And so off we are obliged to budge, to be
+      miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the next twelve, and
+      all because it's the fashion!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am given
+      to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in
+      Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do nothing BUT sing. Bless
+      us! how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the &ldquo;Gazzylarder&rdquo; to fly
+      up to the top of the church-steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the
+      chaps with the pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June. Not
+      that I don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini: him
+      who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the first
+      piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a LITTLE too much,
+      for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You SHOULD have
+      seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and when
+      Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a gentleman,
+      to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl blushed,
+      when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only five of
+      her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging to them,
+      almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round, like a
+      teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more; and as she settled down, at
+      last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should have heard how
+      the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with all their might,
+      and waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting, &ldquo;Bravo!&rdquo; Some people,
+      who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an exhibition, threw bunches of
+      flowers at her; and what do you think she did? Why, hang me, if she did
+      not come forward, as though nothing had happened, gather up the things
+      they had thrown at her, smile, press them to her heart, and begin whirling
+      round again faster than ever. Talk about coolness, I never saw such in all
+      MY born days.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nasty thing!&rdquo; says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; &ldquo;if women WILL act so,
+      it serves them right to be treated so.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, yes! she acts beautifully,&rdquo; says our friend his Excellency, who along
+      with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming to our
+      box.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and I am
+      very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and
+      that the people waved to her to get off.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of laughter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My dear Mrs. Coxe,&rdquo; says Tag, &ldquo;those are the most famous dancers in the
+      world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses at them, in
+      token of our immense admiration!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, I never!&rdquo; said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the
+      curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done the next
+      begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and bounding
+      in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at least six feet from
+      the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were more
+      astonished than ever!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That's Anatole,&rdquo; says one of the gentlemen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Anna who?&rdquo; says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this person
+      had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black ringlets, and a
+      little calico frock, which came down to the knees.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as active
+      as a man of twenty.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;HE!&rdquo; shrieked out my wife; &ldquo;what, is that there a man? For shame!
+      Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I'll thank
+      you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a horror
+      at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to it; but she
+      liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and so would stop
+      till the end of everything; and, law bless you! in three weeks from that
+      time, she could look at the ballet as she would at a dancing-dog in the
+      streets, and would bring her double-barrelled opera-glass up to her eyes
+      as coolly as if she had been a born duchess. As for me, I did at Rome as
+      Rome does; and precious fun it used to be, sometimes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the scenes;
+      where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ONTRAY. Behind,
+      then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of! Fancy lots of
+      young and old gents of the fashion crowding round and staring at the
+      actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners,
+      chattering always, and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of
+      Jews, with hooked-noses and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains,
+      sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old
+      nightgowns, with knock-knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings,
+      and dabs of brick-dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such
+      wigs!) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap, or
+      else shepherds' crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and
+      green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to and
+      fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard Cupids,
+      dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, confusion and gabble
+      of all conceivable languages was never known!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking twenty, he
+      looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving it a
+      touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy was
+      standing by with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner of
+      Charles Street.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour which
+      they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage, before
+      the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes are
+      gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and canes
+      in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn't wait.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain flies up,
+      and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very last
+      moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very affable to
+      the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about me, and asking
+      them if they wasn't cold, and such like politeness, in the most
+      condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn, and down I
+      popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below. Luckily I was
+      stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of green blankets
+      and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the sea. If I had not
+      fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the consequence of the
+      collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear to hear of my paying
+      the least attention to the fair sex.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      STRIKING A BALANCE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the Earl of
+      Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his mother the
+      Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda
+      MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; and a son, the Honorable
+      Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow MacTurk, only ten months older
+      than our boy Tug.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, made
+      every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of
+      Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter of
+      the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of
+      Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing so
+      angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship down.
+      The Kilblazes' estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property by two
+      thousand a year at least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept only two
+      footmen, was quite authorized in having three; and she made it a point, as
+      soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to have out her
+      own carriage-and-four.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big. Whatever
+      masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and what do you think
+      Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, Madame de Flicflac, away from
+      the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was quite a treasure, they
+      said, to have Madame Flicflac: she had been (to support her father, the
+      Count, when he emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the ITALIAN Opera. French
+      dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at once, and in the best style: it
+      is astonishing how quick and well she used to speak&mdash;the French
+      especially.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement
+      Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the
+      age of three to fifteen; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug,
+      adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the
+      boarders. I think I found out the dear soul's reason; for, one day,
+      speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the
+      Kilblazes, she whispered to him that &ldquo;she never would have thought of
+      sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid;
+      THEIR lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did
+      the best they could on their income!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been tutor
+      to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, and, as I
+      tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You read
+      in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called it,) after the account
+      of the charges for board, masters, extras, &amp;c.&mdash;&ldquo;Every young
+      nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife, fork, spoon, and
+      goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned; a
+      dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &amp;c.
+      &amp;c. The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have more than ten
+      guineas of pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or he
+      be above fifteen years of age. WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm,
+      vapor, and douche baths. CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of
+      fifteen guineas per quarter. It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young
+      nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to THE
+      CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment were profane.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;CLEMENT CODDLER, M. A.,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      To this establishment our Tug was sent. &ldquo;Recollect, my dear,&rdquo; said his
+      mamma, &ldquo;that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to beat
+      all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington MacTurk, who,
+      though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of
+      Tuggeridgeville.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as any
+      young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and could
+      shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the old time, when we were not
+      great people: when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn Latin and
+      Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for, on going to school.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send monthly
+      accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of the
+      world, I don't know who was. It was
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+     General behavior......excellent.
+     English...............very good.
+     French................tres bien.
+     Latin.................optime.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      And so on:&mdash;he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month
+      for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he had
+      been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler, one of
+      the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bedrooms and
+      eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them), which were
+      all as comfortable as comfortable might be. &ldquo;It is a holiday, today,&rdquo; said
+      Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it seemed to be. In the dining-room were half a
+      dozen young gentlemen playing at cards (&ldquo;All tip-top nobility,&rdquo; observed
+      Mr. Coddler);&mdash;in the bedrooms there was only one gent: he was lying
+      on his bed, reading novels and smoking cigars. &ldquo;Extraordinary genius!&rdquo;
+       whispered Coddler. &ldquo;Honorable Tom Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's;
+      smokes all day; and has written the SWEETEST poems you can imagine.
+      Genius, my dear madam, you know&mdash;genius must have its way.&rdquo; &ldquo;Well,
+      UPON my word,&rdquo; says Jemmy, &ldquo;if that's genius, I had rather that Master
+      Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull fellow.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Impossible, my dear madam,&rdquo; said Coddler. &ldquo;Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe COULDN'T
+      be stupid if he TRIED.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of
+      Allycompane. We were introduced instantly: &ldquo;Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr. and
+      Mrs. Coxe.&rdquo; The little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very low, and
+      so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord making for the playground,
+      begged him to show us the way.&mdash;&ldquo;Come along,&rdquo; says my lord; and as he
+      walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the beautiful holes
+      in his jacket, and elsewhere.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a
+      pastry-cook's shop at the end of the green. &ldquo;That's the grub-shop,&rdquo; said
+      my lord, &ldquo;where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and
+      them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. &ldquo;That's
+      Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am,&rdquo; says my lord. &ldquo;We keep him, for he's very
+      useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when there's a
+      fight, or a game at cricket.&mdash;Well, Hicks, how's your mother? what's
+      the row now?&rdquo; &ldquo;I believe, my lord,&rdquo; said the usher, very meekly, &ldquo;there is
+      a pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises&mdash;the Honorable Mr.
+      Mac&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh! COME along,&rdquo; said Lord Lollypop, &ldquo;come along: this way, ma'am! Go it,
+      ye cripples!&rdquo; And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in the kindest and
+      most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to be so
+      taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running across the
+      green. &ldquo;Who is it, Petitoes?&rdquo; screams my lord. &ldquo;Turk and the barber,&rdquo;
+       pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastry-cook's like mad. &ldquo;Turk and the ba&mdash;,&rdquo;
+       laughs out my lord, looking at us. &ldquo;HURRA! THIS way, ma'am!&rdquo; And turning
+      round a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard, where a number of boys
+      were collected, and a great noise of shrill voices might be heard. &ldquo;Go it,
+      Turk!&rdquo; says one. &ldquo;Go it, barber!&rdquo; says another. &ldquo;PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!&rdquo;
+       roars another, whose voice was just cracked, and his clothes half a yard
+      too short for him!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling away
+      at the Honorable Master MacTurk! My dear Jemmy, who don't understand such
+      things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand tearing away Tug,
+      sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds, while, with the
+      other, she clawed hold of Master MacTurk's red hair, and, as soon as she
+      got her second hand free, banged it about his face and ears like a good
+      one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You nasty&mdash;wicked&mdash;quarrelsome&mdash;aristocratic&rdquo; (each word
+      was a bang)&mdash;&ldquo;aristocratic&mdash;oh! oh! oh!&rdquo;&mdash;Here the words
+      stopped; for what with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful
+      kick on the shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered,
+      my dear Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my arms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      DOWN AT BEULAH.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us, yet
+      Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their acquaintance over the
+      back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting, making
+      friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the holidays.
+      Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame de Flicflac,
+      of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have related. When our
+      friend the Baron first saw Madame, a very tender greeting passed between
+      them; for they had, as it appeared, been old friends abroad. &ldquo;Sapristie,&rdquo;
+       said the Baron, in his lingo, &ldquo;que fais-tu ici, Amenaide?&rdquo; &ldquo;Et toi, mon
+      pauvre Chicot,&rdquo; says she, &ldquo;est-ce qu'on t'a mis a la retraite? Il parait
+      que tu n'es plus General chez Franco&mdash;&rdquo; &ldquo;CHUT!&rdquo; says the Baron,
+      putting his finger to his lips.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What are they saying, my dear?&rdquo; says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a
+      pretty knowledge of the language by this time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I don't know what 'Sapristie' means, mamma; but the Baron asked Madame
+      what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot, you are no
+      more a General at Franco.'&mdash;Have I not translated rightly, Madame?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right. Figure
+      yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Chicot is my name of baptism,&rdquo; says the Baron; &ldquo;Baron Chicot de Punter is
+      my name.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And being a General at Franco,&rdquo; says Jemmy, &ldquo;means, I suppose, being a
+      French General?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, I vas,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;General Baron de Punter&mdash;n'est 'a pas,
+      Amenaide?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, yes!&rdquo; said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy laughed out
+      of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall hear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that
+      admirable institution, &ldquo;The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;&rdquo; Lady de Sudley
+      was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, the excellent
+      and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that of Doctor
+      Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her ladyship's), drew away five
+      hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the Charity: and Lady de Sudley
+      thought a fete at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the foreign princes
+      who were in town last year, might bring a little more money into its
+      treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and published in all
+      the papers:&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;APPEAL. &ldquo;BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The 'Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been established seven years:
+      and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated,
+      INCALCULABLE. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen have been lodged
+      within its walls. One hundred and two British Washerwomen have been
+      relieved when in the last state of decay. ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT
+      THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been washed, mended,
+      buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And, by an arrangement
+      with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped that THE BABY-LINEN OF
+      THAT HOSPITAL will be confided to the British Washerwoman's Home!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable to
+      think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to reject
+      the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE
+      BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? Ladies of
+      England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there one of you that
+      will not respond to the cry in behalf of these deserving members of our
+      sex?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at Beulah
+      Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the first foreign and
+      native TALENT; by the first foreign and native RANK; and where they beg
+      for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S FRIEND.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke of
+      Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency
+      Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the Persian
+      Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His Excellency
+      Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the Spanish Ambassador,
+      Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of Topinambo, and a
+      host of other fashionables, promised to honor the festival: and their
+      names made a famous show in the bills. Besides these, we had the
+      celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seven Transylvanian
+      trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian Minnesingers; with all the leading
+      artists of London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of Europe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British Washerwoman's
+      Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was erected, in which
+      the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was hung round with specimens of
+      the skill of the washerwomen's orphans; ninety-six of whom were to be
+      feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the Ladies-Patronesses.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count, Baron
+      Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and
+      barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her
+      carriage-and-two.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the
+      Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their beaux
+      went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having each an arm
+      of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and Jemimarann. Whilst
+      they were walking, whom should they light upon but poor Orlando Crump, my
+      successor in the perfumery and hair-cutting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Orlando!&rdquo; says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out
+      her hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Jemimar!&rdquo; says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;SIR!&rdquo; says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What! madam,&rdquo; says poor Crump, &ldquo;don't you remember your shopboy?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?&rdquo; whimpers Jemimarann, whose
+      hand he had got hold of.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Miss Tuggeridge Coxe,&rdquo; says Jemmy, &ldquo;I'm surprised of you. Remember, sir,
+      that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more familiarity.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Insolent fellow!&rdquo; says the Baron, &ldquo;vat is dis canaille?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Canal yourself, Mounseer,&rdquo; says Orlando, now grown quite furious: he
+      broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann,
+      as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill; and her mamma,
+      therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame
+      Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself with the other gentlemen, in
+      order to join us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac
+      suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a
+      friend whom she saw pass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the
+      champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I don't
+      know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when the Baron
+      dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by my
+      side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian
+      Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy:&mdash;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+             &ldquo;Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee.
+              Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee.&rdquo;
+      &ldquo;Chorus&mdash;Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual, and had
+      just come to the &ldquo;o-o-o,&rdquo; at the end of the chorus of the forty-seventh
+      stanza, when Orlando started: &ldquo;That's a scream!&rdquo; says he. &ldquo;Indeed it is,&rdquo;
+       says I; &ldquo;and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very ugly scream too:&rdquo;
+       when I heard another shrill &ldquo;Oh!&rdquo; as I thought; and Orlando bolted off,
+      crying, &ldquo;By heavens, it's HER voice!&rdquo; &ldquo;Whose voice?&rdquo; says I. &ldquo;Come and see
+      the row,&rdquo; says Tag. And off we went, with a considerable number of people,
+      who saw this strange move on his part.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting; her
+      mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the ground, holding a
+      handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando squaring at him, and
+      calling on him to fight if he dared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. &ldquo;Take that feller away,&rdquo; says she;
+      &ldquo;he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the
+      least.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Poor Orlando was carried off. &ldquo;I've no patience with the little minx,&rdquo;
+       says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. &ldquo;She might be a Baron's lady; and
+      she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, mamma! mamma!&rdquo; sobs poor Jemimarann, &ldquo;but he was t-t-tipsy.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a
+      nobleman who does not know what he is doing.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      A TOURNAMENT.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I say, Tug,&rdquo; said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at Beulah,
+      &ldquo;Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I told
+      you: the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we are going
+      to do. What do you think? we're going to have a tournament!&rdquo; &ldquo;What's a
+      tournament?&rdquo; says Tug, and so said his mamma when she heard the news; and
+      when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she WAS as angry as
+      MacTurk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days together. &ldquo;What!&rdquo;
+       says she, &ldquo;dress up in armor, like play-actors, and run at each other with
+      spears? The Kilblazes must be mad!&rdquo; And so I thought, but I didn't think
+      the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they were: for, when Jemmy heard that
+      the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as yet, a profound secret, what does
+      she do, but send down to the Morning Post a flaming account of
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The days of chivalry are NOT past. The fair Castellane of
+      T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been alluded
+      to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall exceed in
+      splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are not at liberty
+      to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de P-nt-r and
+      Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th&mdash;s T-gr-g, are to be the
+      knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN OF BEAUTY, of whose
+      loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power; a banquet,
+      unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a ball, in which the recollections
+      of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones of Weippert and
+      Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye of T-gg-ridgeville
+      has prepared for her distinguished guests.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback, and in
+      the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number of our
+      friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he vaulted over
+      his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never were done except at
+      Ducrow's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And now&mdash;oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter,
+      to describe the wonders of the day!&mdash;Twenty-four knights came from
+      Ashley's at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolford
+      in the character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a
+      tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called
+      ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put up when people die,) and
+      underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament.
+      Tagrag was in brass armor (my City connections got him that famous suit);
+      his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet, modelled exactly
+      after that of Queen Catharine, in &ldquo;Henry V.;&rdquo; a tight gilt jacket, which
+      set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train of at least forty
+      feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided with pearls. Madame
+      de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady Blanche Bluenose as a
+      Turkish princess. An alderman of London and his lady; two magistrates of
+      the county, and the very pink of Croydon; several Polish noblemen; two
+      Italian counts (besides our Count); one hundred and ten young officers,
+      from Addiscombe College, in full uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir
+      Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B., and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing
+      Establishment, and fourteen young ladies, all in white: the Reverend
+      Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine young gentlemen, of the first families,
+      under his charge&mdash;were SOME only of the company. I leave you to fancy
+      that, if my Jemmy did seek for fashion, she had enough of it on this
+      occasion. They wanted me to have mounted again, but my hunting-day had
+      been sufficient; besides, I ain't big enough for a real knight: so, as
+      Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening the Tournament&mdash;and I knew it was in
+      vain to resist&mdash;the Baron and Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so
+      that I might come off with safety, if I came off at all. They had procured
+      from the Strand Theatre a famous stud of hobby-horses, which they told me
+      had been trained for the use of the great Lord Bateman. I did not know
+      exactly what they were till they arrived; but as they had belonged to a
+      lord, I thought it was all right, and consented; and I found it the best
+      sort of riding, after all, to appear to be on horseback and walk safely
+      a-foot at the same time; and it was impossible to come down as long as I
+      kept on my own legs: besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much
+      as I liked, without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of
+      the Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in
+      blue and gold: I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost
+      wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet and
+      breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at the time.
+      Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each other, till,
+      prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat behind, and down I
+      came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same time, that almost
+      broke my shoulder-bone. &ldquo;This was sufficient,&rdquo; they said, &ldquo;for the laws of
+      chivalry;&rdquo; and I was glad to get off so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven, in
+      complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the ring; and the Baron
+      was far, far the most skilful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How sweetly the dear Baron rides,&rdquo; said my wife, who was always ogling at
+      him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. &ldquo;I say, Sam,&rdquo;
+       says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course, they
+      came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called it:&mdash;&ldquo;I
+      say, Sam, I'm blowed if that chap in harmer mustn't have been one of hus.&rdquo;
+       And this only made Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is, the Baron had
+      chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her mother.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him the
+      prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he
+      receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet
+      mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of the
+      lists; then galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated, he
+      begged her to place it on his helmet. The poor girl blushed very much, and
+      did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up, and, laying
+      his hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his ear, which
+      made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off violently.
+      &ldquo;Chacun pour soi,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;Monsieur de Taguerague,&rdquo;&mdash;which means, I
+      am told, &ldquo;Every man for himself.&rdquo; And then he rode away, throwing his
+      lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse caper and prance, to
+      the admiration of all beholders.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After this came the &ldquo;Passage of Arms.&rdquo; Tagrag and the Baron ran courses
+      against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece; whereupon the
+      other three refused to turn out; and preciously we laughed at them, to be
+      sure!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now, it's OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT,&rdquo; says Tagrag, shaking his fist at the
+      Baron: &ldquo;look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter, I'll
+      do my best!&rdquo; And before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite
+      bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away, spears
+      in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed; in vain I threw
+      down my truncheon: they had broken two poles before I could say &ldquo;Jack
+      Robinson,&rdquo; and were driving at each other with the two new ones. The Baron
+      had the worst of the first course, for he had almost been carried out of
+      his saddle. &ldquo;Hark you, Chicot!&rdquo; screamed out Tagrag, &ldquo;next time look to
+      your head!&rdquo; And next time, sure enough, each aimed at the head of the
+      other.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's helmet,
+      plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer still&mdash;his
+      lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground like a stone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He's won! he's won!&rdquo; says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann
+      fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I should
+      drop. All the company were in an uproar: only the Baron looked calm, and
+      bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy; when, all of a
+      sudden, a Jewish-looking man springing over the barrier, and followed by
+      three more, rushed towards the Baron. &ldquo;Keep the gate, Bob!&rdquo; he holloas
+      out. &ldquo;Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, for&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      But he never said for what; shouting out, &ldquo;Aha!&rdquo; and &ldquo;Sapprrrristie!&rdquo; and
+      I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into his
+      horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before another word. He had
+      threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr. Stubbs, only
+      that gentleman made way for him; and when we took up the bailiff, and
+      brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water, he told us all.
+      &ldquo;I had a writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't vant to shpoil
+      shport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey knocked off his shteel
+      cap!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Here was a pretty business!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville: but,
+      after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor Lord
+      Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and the Emperor
+      Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and silk stockings, like Mr.
+      Pell's friend in Pickwick; we, having employed the gentlemen from Astley's
+      Antitheatre, had some decent sport for our money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself by
+      his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb, the
+      bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My sweet
+      Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and a sad
+      thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no more
+      minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of muffins
+      across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was the
+      day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at
+      Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good, and
+      declared that she should die unless she went to the seaside in France. I
+      knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to resist her as to
+      resist her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; so I told the people
+      to pack up the things, and took four places on board the &ldquo;Grand Turk&rdquo;
+       steamer for Boulogne.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my
+      carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before;
+      and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was
+      the&mdash;but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the
+      other carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants,
+      and fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear
+      girl in the journey.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we saw
+      the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St. Bartholomew;&mdash;why
+      erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is in Smithfield;&mdash;we
+      had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House, where we saw the
+      two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of the chimneys, and were
+      landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt melancholy, for we were going
+      among a people of swindlers, as all Frenchmen are thought to be; and,
+      besides not being able to speak the language, leaving our own dear country
+      and honest countrymen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest
+      civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor; ay, and your
+      honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. I
+      somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away. &ldquo;Here, my fine
+      fellow,&rdquo; says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful, holding
+      his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other&mdash;&ldquo;Here, my
+      fine chap,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;here's six shillings for you;&rdquo; for I did not care for
+      the money.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Six what?&rdquo; says he.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Six shillings, fellow,&rdquo; shrieks Jemmy, &ldquo;and twice as much as your fare.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Feller, marm!&rdquo; says this insolent coachman. &ldquo;Feller yourself, marm: do
+      you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and
+      bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps for six
+      hog?&rdquo; And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it, and
+      doubling his fist put it so very near my nose that I really thought he
+      would have made it bleed. &ldquo;My fare's heighteen shillings,&rdquo; says he,
+      &ldquo;hain't it?&mdash;hask hany of these gentlemen.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six,&rdquo; says one of the fourteen
+      porters; &ldquo;but if the gen'l'man IS a gen'l'man, he can't give no less than
+      a suffering anyhow.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, &ldquo;Holloa!&rdquo; says
+      one. &ldquo;What's the row?&rdquo; says another. &ldquo;Come, dub up!&rdquo; roars a third. And I
+      don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that I
+      took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had
+      disappeared by this time: they always do when there's a robbery or a row
+      going on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was going after them. &ldquo;Stop, Mr. Ferguson,&rdquo; pipes a young gentleman of
+      about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles,
+      and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together. &ldquo;Stop, Mr.
+      Heff,&rdquo; says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, &ldquo;and don't forgit
+      the cabman.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What's your fare, my lad?&rdquo; says I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, let's see&mdash;yes&mdash;ho!&mdash;my fare's seven-and-thirty and
+      eightpence eggs&mdash;acly.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed
+      very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was, I
+      thought, the hackney-coachman. &ldquo;Why, YOU rascal!&rdquo; says Jemmy, laying hold
+      of the boy, &ldquo;do you want more than the coachman?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Don't rascal ME, marm!&rdquo; shrieks the little chap in return. &ldquo;What's the
+      coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like; vy
+      don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I to
+      come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and
+      not git my fare, marm? Come, give me a suffering and a half, and don't
+      keep my hoss avaiting all day.&rdquo; This speech, which takes some time to
+      write down, was made in about the fifth part of a second; and, at the end
+      of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing towards
+      Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor, and
+      fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called &ldquo;Policeman!&rdquo; but a policeman
+      won't interfere in Thames Street; robbery is licensed there. What was I to
+      do? Oh! my heart beats with paternal gratitude when I think of what my Tug
+      did!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting attitude,
+      Master Tuggeridge Coxe&mdash;who had been standing by laughing very
+      rudely, I thought&mdash;Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket
+      suddenly into his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start and
+      recovered her a little), and, before we could say a word was in the ring
+      in which we stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I
+      don't know how many newspaper-boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and,
+      whirling about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the
+      red waistcoat, who brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the
+      enemy, was engaged in an instant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But la bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; and
+      MILLED away one, two, right and left&mdash;like a little hero as he is,
+      with all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came a crack which sent a
+      long dusky white hat&mdash;that looked damp and deep like a well, and had
+      a long black crape-rag twisted round it&mdash;first came a crack which
+      sent this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab and scattered among
+      the crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,&mdash;such
+      as a ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little
+      warbler, a slice of bacon, &amp;c. &amp;c.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no time:
+      another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third, which hit him
+      straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the ground.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Brayvo, my lord!&rdquo; shouted all the people around.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I won't have no more, thank yer,&rdquo; said the little cabman, gathering
+      himself up. &ldquo;Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What's your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?&rdquo; says Tug.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Vy, then, two-and-eightpence,&rdquo; says he. &ldquo;Go along,&mdash;you KNOW it is!&rdquo;
+       and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and hissed the
+      cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. We heard the packet-bell
+      ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very nearly so,
+      in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and Jemimarann, and Tug, and
+      the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came to my
+      turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a PLANK, but seldom of
+      their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the vessel rode off
+      a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the water. You might
+      have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it rung in my ears as I
+      went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving her a disconsolate
+      widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of my beaver-hat&mdash;though
+      I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:&mdash;I floated, and hoped
+      to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just then, I felt myself
+      suddenly jerked by the waistband of my whites, and found myself hauled up
+      in the air at the end of a boat-hook, to the sound of &ldquo;Yeho! yeho! yehoi!
+      yehoi!&rdquo; and so I was dragged aboard. I was put to bed, and had swallowed
+      so much water that it took a very considerable quantity of brandy to bring
+      it to a proper mixture in my inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a
+      very deplorable state.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      NOTICE TO QUIT.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right and
+      left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there; and
+      being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a lord,
+      she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said, he
+      possessed a magnificent &mdash;&mdash; hotel he called it;&mdash;and I
+      remember Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea; but hotel, we found
+      afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need I
+      describe the road from Boulogne to Paris? or need I describe that Capitol
+      itself? Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there, at
+      &ldquo;Murisse's Hotel,&rdquo; as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw
+      everything worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed me,
+      to be sure; but, when you're on a pleasure-party in a foreign country, you
+      must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of trees,
+      which&mdash;I don't know why&mdash;is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian
+      Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but mine
+      I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this Shandeleezy
+      is an open space of ground, and a tent where, during the summer, Mr.
+      Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with his horses and things. As
+      everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the thing, Jemmy
+      agreed that we should go too; and go we did.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It's just like Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who goes
+      round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there are a dozen Miss
+      Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, Dihannas, Sultannas,
+      Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There's the fat man, who comes in with
+      the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the living skeleton!
+      There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that dances a hornpipe,
+      the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking at
+      her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any
+      knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it),
+      when there came in, presently, &ldquo;the great Polish act of the Sarmatian
+      horse-tamer, on eight steeds,&rdquo; which we were all of us longing to see. The
+      horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of his
+      horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You couldn't
+      see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and applauded like
+      mad. Presently, you saw there were only three horses in front: he had
+      slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and it was clear that
+      the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any more. The people
+      applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and eight were made to
+      go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and out, with the others, so
+      that you did not know which was which, the house, I thought, would come
+      down with applause; and the Sarmatian horse-tamer bowed his great feathers
+      to the ground. At last the music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely
+      round the ring; bending, smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying
+      his hand on his heart, just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But
+      fancy our astonishment when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming
+      round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, gave a
+      start, and a&mdash;hupp! which made all his horses stop stock-still at an
+      instant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Albert!&rdquo; screamed my dear Jemmy: &ldquo;Albert! Bahbahbah&mdash;baron!&rdquo; The
+      Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels, three
+      times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; but we
+      heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and had
+      run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr.
+      Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree with
+      him; and we saw the last of him as he sprung over the barriers at the
+      Tuggeridgeville tournament.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, Jemimarann,&rdquo; says Jemmy, in a fury, &ldquo;you shall marry Tagrag; and if
+      I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a baronet's
+      lady.&rdquo; Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was of no use to
+      remonstrate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever to go
+      back to London: for what should we hear, but that that monster,
+      Tuggeridge, of the City&mdash;old Tug's black son, forsooth!&mdash;was
+      going to contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I don't know
+      how many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we set off
+      immediately, and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same
+      &ldquo;Grand Turk&rdquo; which had brought us to France.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on
+      Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often
+      not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless us!
+      I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on a
+      paddle-box, roaring out, &ldquo;Ease her! Stop her!&rdquo; and the poor servants, who
+      are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;&mdash;breakfast,
+      lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;&mdash;for layers upon layers of
+      travellers, as it were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with
+      those unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little
+      did we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and little were we
+      prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridgeville
+      property.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man of
+      business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off to
+      Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of going to
+      Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates, we found a crowd
+      assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridige on horseback,
+      with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man of business,
+      and many more. &ldquo;Mr. Scapgoat,&rdquo; says Tuggeridge, grinning, and handing him
+      over a sealed paper, &ldquo;here's the lease; I leave you in possession, and
+      wish you good morning.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In possession of what?&rdquo; says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville,
+      leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she
+      called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland
+      Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was
+      his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told him
+      to quit the house. Since then there had been law squabbles between us
+      without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam,&rdquo; roars he, &ldquo;left me by
+      my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and know
+      as well as I do.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Old Tug left no will,&rdquo; shrieked Jemmy; &ldquo;he didn't die to leave his
+      estates to blackamoors&mdash;to negroes&mdash;to base-born mulatto
+      story-tellers; if he did may I be &mdash;&mdash;-&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, hush! dearest mamma,&rdquo; says Jemimarann. &ldquo;Go it again, mother!&rdquo; says
+      Tug, who is always sniggering.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?&rdquo; cried Tagrag (who was the only
+      one of our party that had his senses). &ldquo;What is this will?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, it's merely a matter of form,&rdquo; said the lawyer, riding up. &ldquo;For
+      heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and
+      Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people are
+      here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will follow, of
+      course.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who has taken possession of this here property?&rdquo; roars Jemmy, again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My friend Mr. Scapgoat,&rdquo; said the lawyer.&mdash;Mr. Scapgoat grinned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Scapgoat,&rdquo; said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a woman
+      of no small spirit), &ldquo;if you don't leave this ground I'll have you pushed
+      out with pitchforks, I will&mdash;you and your beggarly blackamoor
+      yonder.&rdquo; And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a stable fork
+      into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, armed with a
+      rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their heels, and I
+      hurrahed for joy to see such villany so properly treated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That's sufficient, ain't it?&rdquo; said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air in
+      the world. &ldquo;Oh, completely,&rdquo; said the lawyer. &ldquo;Mr. Tuggeridge, we've ten
+      miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant.&rdquo; And the whole posse of
+      them rode away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      LAW LIFE ASSURANCE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from
+      Higgs, in London&mdash;which begun, &ldquo;Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of
+      Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said county, was
+      attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and
+      arms, he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John
+      Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which is
+      not yet expired, and ejected him.&rdquo; And it went on to say that &ldquo;we, with
+      force of arms, viz, with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected him.&rdquo; Was
+      there ever such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand in defence of
+      our own; and isn't it a sin that we should have been turned out of our
+      rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would you
+      believe it?&mdash;they told us to give up possession at once, as a will
+      was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused their
+      proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will: she pronounced
+      it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; and believes, to this day,
+      that the story of its having been made thirty years ago, in Calcutta, and
+      left there with old Tug's papers, and found there, and brought to England,
+      after a search made by order of Tuggeridge junior, is a scandalous
+      falsehood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? What
+      shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed of
+      the wig he sits in? What of Mr. &mdash;&mdash; and Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, who
+      exerted their eloquence against justice and the poor? On our side, too,
+      was no less a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the
+      honor of the British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too: for
+      he actually threw up his case! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his
+      junior&mdash;and to whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks&mdash;all
+      might have been well. I never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr.
+      Mulligan, appearing for the first time in that court, said, &ldquo;Standing here
+      upon the pidestal of secred Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a
+      profission I rispict; having before me a vinnerable judge, and an
+      enlightened jury&mdash;the counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender,
+      the poor man's priceless palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must
+      the blush bejew my cheek&mdash;&rdquo; (somebody cried out, &ldquo;O CHEEKS!&rdquo; In the
+      court there was a dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was
+      established, Mr. Mulligan continued:)&mdash;&ldquo;My lard, I heed them not; I
+      come from a counthry accustomed to opprission, and as that counthry&mdash;yes,
+      my lard, THAT IRELAND&mdash;(do not laugh, I am proud of it)&mdash;is
+      ever, in spite of her tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful: my
+      client's cause, likewise, will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility&mdash;I
+      repeat, the MALIGNANT IMBECILITY&mdash;of those who would thrample it
+      down; and in whose teeth, in my client's name, in my counthry's&mdash;ay,
+      and MY OWN&mdash;I, with folded arrums, hurl a scarnful and eternal
+      defiance!&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;For heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan&rdquo;&mdash;(&ldquo;MULLIGAN, ME LARD,&rdquo; cried my
+      defender)&mdash;&ldquo;Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed
+      with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the
+      situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge the
+      elder gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my wife; the
+      state of Ireland; the original and virtuous poverty of the Coxes&mdash;from
+      which he glanced passionately, for a few minutes (until the judge stopped
+      him), to the poverty of his own country; my excellence as a husband,
+      father, landlord; my wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All was in vain&mdash;the
+      trial went against us. I was soon taken in execution for the damages; five
+      hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as much more of
+      Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get me out of a
+      much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that along with the
+      land went the house in town, and the money in the funds. Tuggeridge, he
+      who had thousands before, had it all. And when I was in prison, who do you
+      think would come and see me? None of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign
+      Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill our house, and eat and
+      drink at our expense,&mdash;not even the ungrateful Tagrag!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could not help now saying to my dear wife, &ldquo;See, my love, we have been
+      gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it. In
+      the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody laughed
+      at us.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, and recollect how ill they made you,&rdquo; cries my daughter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We asked great company, and they insulted us.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And spoilt mamma's temper,&rdquo; said Jemimarann.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Hush! Miss,&rdquo; said her mother; &ldquo;we don't want YOUR advice.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then you must make a country gentleman of me.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And send Pa into dunghills,&rdquo; roared Tug.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them,&rdquo; cries my little
+      Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine
+      school.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And I give you my word,&rdquo; says Tug, &ldquo;I'm as ignorant a chap as ever
+      lived.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You're an insolent saucebox,&rdquo; says Jemmy; &ldquo;you've learned that at your
+      fine school.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't,&rdquo;
+       grumbles Tug.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a
+      swindler.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;And drive off poor Orlando,&rdquo; whimpered my girl.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Silence! Miss,&rdquo; says Jemmy, fiercely.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me
+      into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never can help us
+      after all your bad language.&rdquo; I said all this very smartly; for the fact
+      is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl
+      soundly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh! Sammy,&rdquo; said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite
+      broken), &ldquo;it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've
+      punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so, so
+      repent them!&rdquo; Here Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung herself
+      into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten minutes
+      together. Even Tug looked queer: and as for me, it's a most extraordinary
+      thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable didn't make me quite
+      happy.&mdash;I don't think, for the whole twelve months of our good
+      fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet, where
+      I was locked up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never taken
+      the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so cruelly
+      that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now. He used to
+      bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and he used to
+      take home Jemmy's fronts and dress them for her; and when locking-up time
+      came, he used to see the ladies home to their little three-pair bedroom in
+      Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. &ldquo;Can the bird forget its
+      nest?&rdquo; Orlando used to say (he was a romantic young fellow, that's the
+      truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron incessantly, since he was
+      separated from Jemimarann). &ldquo;Can the bird, let loose in eastern climes,
+      forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember its beloved bulbul?&mdash;Ah,
+      no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I hope to die&mdash;a
+      hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered your shop, or
+      knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your house, your
+      furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving
+      customers, to me? Are these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if she would
+      allow me to call her so. Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me in the
+      workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I never,
+      never shall be different!&rdquo; When he had said this, Orlando was so much
+      affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Jemimarann began to cry too. &ldquo;Oh, Pa!&rdquo; said she, &ldquo;isn't he&mdash;isn't
+      he a nice young man?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I'm HANGED if he ain't,&rdquo; says Tug. &ldquo;What do you think of his giving me
+      eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water for Mimarann?&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate,&rdquo; says
+      Jemmy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than give
+      Tuggeridge the chance.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      FAMILY BUSTLE.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in
+      prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves; and
+      were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings toward him, and
+      he actually wrote to me to say&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;SIR,&mdash;I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe,
+      do not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims
+      which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my
+      father's estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my
+      father's papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with
+      perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs. For
+      this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself (who
+      acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a will, in India, proved MY
+      just claims, you must remember how they were met, and the vexatious
+      proceedings with which you sought to oppose them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more
+      fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will
+      give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you
+      shall find one to suit you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. You
+      have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to try his
+      fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an appointment;
+      and am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;JOHN TUGGERIDGE&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and
+      looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any
+      rate,&rdquo; cries Jemmy. &ldquo;There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a whole
+      heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them
+      things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!&rdquo;
+       And so she sailed out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been in
+      misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when he
+      heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando. &ldquo;Ah,
+      I suppose you'll forget me now?&rdquo; says he with a sigh; and seemed the only
+      unhappy person in company.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump,&rdquo; says my wife, with a great deal of
+      dignity, &ldquo;that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work&mdash;&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Woman!&rdquo; cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way),
+      &ldquo;hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us
+      hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando,
+      if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you'll take five
+      hundred pounds for a half-share of the shop, they're yours; and THAT'S for
+      you, Mrs. Cox.&rdquo;
+     </p>
+    <p>
+      And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop,
+      where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder,
+      plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and
+      Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all day
+      long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the bridal-dresses:
+      for the wedding is to take place the day after to-morrow. I've cut
+      seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and as for Jemmy, I no more
+      mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all his Tambarins. Last night
+      we had a merry meeting of our friends and neighbors, to celebrate our
+      reappearance among them; and very merry we all were. We had a capital
+      fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy hour this morning. We begun
+      with quadrills, but I never could do 'em well; and after that, to please
+      Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gallopard, which I found anything
+      but easy: for since I am come back to a life of peace and comfort, it's
+      astonishing how stout I'm getting. So we turned at once to what Jemmy and
+      me excels in&mdash;a country dance; which is rather surprising, as we was
+      both brought up to a town life. As for young Tug, he showed off in a
+      sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox says is very proper for him to learn,
+      now he is intended for the sea. But stop! here comes in the punchbowls;
+      and if we are not happy, who is? I say I am like the Swish people, for I
+      can't flourish out of my native HAIR.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray
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+</pre>
+  </body>
+</html>
diff --git a/2675.txt b/2675.txt
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@@ -0,0 +1,17192 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Burlesques
+
+Author: William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+Release Date: May 21, 2006 [EBook #2675]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Donald Lainson
+
+
+
+
+
+BURLESQUES
+
+
+By William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+NOTES BY EMINENT HANDS.
+
+
+George de Barnwell. By Sir E. L. B. L., Bart.
+
+Codlingsby. By D. Shrewsberry, Esq.
+
+Phil Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-Oneth. By Harry Rollicker
+
+Barbazure. By G. P. R. Jeames, Esq., etc.
+
+Lords and Liveries. By the Authoress of "Dukes and Dejeuners," "Hearts
+and Diamonds," "Marchionesses and Milliners," etc., etc.
+
+Crinoline. By Je-mes Pl-sh, Esq.
+
+The Stars and Stripes. By the Author of "The Last of the Mulligans,"
+"Pilot," etc.
+
+A Plan for a Prize Novel
+
+
+
+THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., WITH HIS LETTERS.
+
+
+A Lucky Speculator
+
+The Diary
+
+Jeames on Time Bargings
+
+Jeames on the Gauge Question
+
+Mr. Jeames Again
+
+
+
+THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
+
+
+I. "Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction"
+
+II. Allyghur and Laswaree
+
+III. A Peep into Spain.--Account of the Origin and Services of the
+Ahmednuggar Irregulars
+
+IV. The Indian Camp--the Sortie from the Fort
+
+V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife
+
+VI. Famine in the Garrison
+
+VII. The Escape
+
+VIII. The Captive
+
+IX. Surprise of Futtyghur
+
+
+
+A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
+
+
+I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg
+
+II. The Godesbergers
+
+III. The Festival
+
+IV. The Flight
+
+V. The Traitor's Doom
+
+VI. The Confession
+
+VII. The Sentence
+
+VIII. The Childe of Godesberg
+
+IX. The Lady of Windeck
+
+X. The Battle of the Bowmen
+
+XI. The Martyr of Love
+
+XII. The Champion
+
+XIII. The Marriage
+
+
+
+REBECCA AND ROWENA; A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE.
+
+
+CHAPTER
+
+I. The Overture--Commencement of the Business
+
+II. The Last Days of the Lion
+
+III. St. George for England
+
+IV. Ivanhoe Redivivus
+
+V. Ivanhoe to the Rescue
+
+VI. Ivanhoe the Widower
+
+VII. The End of the Performance
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
+
+
+I. --
+
+
+II. Henry V. and Napoleon III
+
+III. The Advance of the Pretenders--Historical Review
+
+IV. The Battle of Rheims
+
+V. The Battle of Tours
+
+VI. The English under Jenkins
+
+VII. The Leaguer of Paris
+
+VIII. The Battle of the Forts
+
+IX. Louis XVII
+
+
+
+COX'S DIARY.
+
+
+The Announcement
+
+First Rout
+
+A Day with the Surrey Hounds
+
+The Finishing Touch
+
+A New Drop-Scene at the Opera
+
+Striking a Balance
+
+Down at Beulah
+
+A Tournament
+
+Over-Boarded and Under-Lodged
+
+Notice to Quit
+
+Law Life Assurance
+
+Family Bustle
+
+
+
+
+NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
+
+
+
+
+GEORGE DE BARNWELL
+
+BY SIR E. L. B. L., BART.
+
+
+VOL I.
+
+
+In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their
+offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, He is eternal. He has his
+Mother's ravishing smile; his Father's steadfast eyes. He rises every
+day, fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever
+young. Dark, dark were this world of ours had either Divinity left
+it--dark without the day-beams of the Latonian Charioteer, darker yet
+without the daedal Smile of the God of the Other Bow! Dost know him,
+reader?
+
+Old is he, Eros, the ever young. He and Time were children together.
+Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable. Brightest of the
+Divinities, where hast thou not been sung? Other worships pass away;
+the idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling
+and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes no longer rise
+among the quivering olive-groves of Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets
+of the amethyst Aegean! These are gone, but thou remainest. There is
+still a garland for thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah,
+many a darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless
+One, and the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries
+from the bleeding hearts of men!
+
+While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing? In Kingly
+and Heroic ages, 'twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake. But in
+these, our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The
+people To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of old did
+the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate of the crowned
+Agamemnon.
+
+Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? Fate, Passion,
+Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the Furies that
+tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us Still? are not these
+still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of his palette? the chords
+of his lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale--not of Kings--but of Men--not
+of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief, and Crime. Listen, and but once
+more. 'Tis for the last time (probably) these fingers shall sweep the
+strings.
+
+E. L. B. L.
+
+
+NOONDAY IN CHEPE.
+
+
+'Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty River City!--its banks
+wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man! The toppling
+wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded equipage
+of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger vehicle from the green
+metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of our Babylon), in which
+every traveller might, for a modest remuneration, take a republican
+seat; the mercenary caroche, with its private freight; the brisk
+curricle of the letter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet: these and a
+thousand others were laboring and pressing onward, and locked and bound
+and hustling together in the narrow channel of Chepe. The imprecations
+of the charioteers were terrible. From the noble's broidered
+hammer-cloth, or the driving-seat of the common coach, each driver
+assailed the other with floods of ribald satire. The pavid matron within
+the one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pittance)
+shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to his office (to add
+another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over the blazoned panels,
+and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his very Menials could
+not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they gayly threaded the
+Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of the scene,
+and exacerbated the already furious combatants by their poignant
+infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as he regarded the hot strife and
+struggle of these Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh
+of the Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene.
+
+'Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. The flaunting windows
+of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering panes behind
+which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to
+pause: although only noon, the savory odors of the Cook Shops tempted
+the over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to the fragrant potage
+that mocks the turtle's flavor--the turtle! O dapibus suprimi grata
+testudo Jovis! I am an Alderman when I think of thee! Well: it was noon
+in Chepe.
+
+But were all battling for gain there? Among the many brilliant shops
+whose casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century back (about
+which period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce.
+A rudely carved image of a negro, with a fantastic plume and apron of
+variegated feathers, decorated the lintel. The East and West had sent
+their contributions to replenish the window.
+
+The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of
+swarthy sugar marked "ONLY 6 1/2d."--That catty box, on which was the
+epigraph "STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d," was from the country of
+Confutzee--that heap of dark produce bore the legend "TRY OUR REAL
+NUT"--'Twas Cocoa--and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has refreshed
+the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher. The shop in
+question was, in a word, a Grocer's.
+
+In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to judge
+from his appearance (though 'twas a difficult task, as, in sooth, his
+back was turned), had just reached that happy period of life when the
+Boy is expanding into the Man. O Youth, Youth! Happy and Beautiful! O
+fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet lies on the flowers,
+ere they have been scorched and withered by Passion's fiery Sun!
+Immersed in thought or study, and indifferent to the din around him, sat
+the boy. A careless guardian was he of the treasures confided to him.
+The crowd passed in Chepe; he never marked it. The sun shone on Chepe;
+he only asked that it should illumine the page he read. The knave might
+filch his treasures; he was heedless of the knave. The customer might
+enter; but his book was all in all to him.
+
+And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the
+counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing at
+the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the homely and
+tightened garments he wore.
+
+"Ahem! sir! I say, young man!" the customer exclaimed.
+
+"Ton d'apameibomenos prosephe," read on the student, his voice choked
+with emotion. "What language!" he said; "how rich, how noble, how
+sonorous! prosephe podas--"
+
+The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery, that
+the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for the first
+time remarked her. "A pretty grocer's boy you are," she cried, "with
+your applepiebomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kept waiting
+for hever?"
+
+"Pardon, fair Maiden," said he, with high-bred courtesy: "'twas not
+French I read, 'twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard. In
+what can I be serviceable to ye, lady?" and to spring from his desk, to
+smooth his apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no
+more, was the work of a moment.
+
+"I might have prigged this box of figs," the damsel said good-naturedly,
+"and you'd never have turned round."
+
+"They came from the country of Hector," the boy said. "Would you have
+currants, lady? These once bloomed in the island gardens of the blue
+Aegean. They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is low; they're
+fourpence-halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our teas? We
+do not advertise, as some folks do: but sell as low as any other house."
+
+"You're precious young to have all these good things," the girl
+exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation. "If I
+was you, and stood behind the counter, I should be eating figs the whole
+day long."
+
+"Time was," answered the lad, "and not long since I thought so too. I
+thought I never should be tired of figs. But my old uncle bade me take
+my fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them."
+
+"I think you gentlemen are always so," the coquette said.
+
+"Nay, say not so, fair stranger!" the youth replied, his face kindling
+as he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire. "Figs pall; but oh! the
+Beautiful never does. Figs rot; but oh! the Truthful is eternal. I was
+born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for
+the Visionary. I stand behind the counter, it is true; but I ponder here
+upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages. What is
+grocery for one who has ambition? What sweetness hath Muscovada to him
+who hath tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true
+Real, and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination. But pardon me; with
+what may I serve thee?"
+
+"I came only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust," the girl said, with a
+faltering voice; "but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for ever!"
+
+Only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust? Girl, thou camest for other things!
+Thou lovedst his voice? Siren! what was the witchery of thine own? He
+deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the little hand. She paid
+for her small purchase, and with a farewell glance of her lustrous eyes,
+she left him. She passed slowly through the portal, and in a moment
+was lost in the crowd. It was noon in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was
+alone.
+
+
+Vol. II.
+
+
+We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to
+anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which most
+readers are familiar.
+
+Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the tale
+is briefly thus:
+
+The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer's shop in
+Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs, half a dozen
+times in the week.
+
+She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal
+attachment.
+
+This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom swells with ambition.
+His genius breaks out prodigiously. He talks about the Good, the
+Beautiful, the Ideal, &c., in and out of all season, and is virtuous and
+eloquent almost beyond belief--in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford, or
+E. Aram, Esquires.
+
+Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in the
+world which he is destined to ornament. He outdoes all the dandies,
+all the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries of the age--an
+indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and George II.--dines
+with Curll at St. John's Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel behind
+Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the Chevalier St.
+George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and
+likewise in disguise at the shop in Cheapside.
+
+His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very little
+taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business to the
+pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble Barnwells came.
+George's cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret passion
+for him.
+
+Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant
+little chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to
+present an age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and
+correct as that in the "Last of the Barons," or in "Eugene Aram," or
+other works of our author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True
+and Beautiful, are united.
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+BUTTON'S IN PALL MALL.
+
+
+Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence which
+society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall Mall, and
+which, because they knock you down with their dulness, are called Clubs
+no doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James's Street, at a
+half-score of other dandies gaping from another bay-window over the way;
+those who consult a dreary evening paper for news, or satisfy themselves
+with the jokes of the miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town
+of the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some
+six or eight score years back. Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St.
+James's Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy
+suffocating waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the
+same quarter? The Brougham from which thou descendest at the portal of
+the "Carlton" or the "Travellers'," is like everybody else's; thy
+black coat has no more plaits, nor buttons, nor fancy in it than thy
+neighbor's; thy hat was made on the very block on which Lord Addlepate's
+was cast, who has just entered the Club before thee. You and he yawn
+together out of the same omnibus-box every night; you fancy yourselves
+men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves men of fashion; you fancy
+yourselves men of taste; in fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy,
+the newspaper legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes and
+your thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom--poor Pall Mall dullards.
+Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you at present occupy,
+there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some five-and-twenty
+lustres ago.
+
+We are at Button's--the well-known sign of the "Turk's Head." The crowd
+of periwigged heads at the windows--the swearing chairmen round the
+steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the
+lofty rank of their owners),--the throng of embroidered beaux entering
+or departing, and rendering the air fragrant with the odors of pulvillio
+and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort of London's Wit and
+Fashion. It is the corner of Regent Street. Carlton House has not yet
+been taken down.
+
+A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate
+at one of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit is
+likewise embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A
+little deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the Morning Chronicle
+newspaper by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and a shovel
+hat and cassock, is talking freely with a gentleman, whose star and
+ribbon, as well as the unmistakable beauty of his Phidian countenance,
+proclaims him to be a member of Britain's aristocracy.
+
+Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the other
+with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating Race, are
+gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club,
+but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite
+dish, the muffin (then newly invented), at the desire of some of the
+revellers within.
+
+"I would, Sam," said the wild youth to his companion, "that I had some
+of my mother Macclesfield's gold, to enable us to eat of those cates and
+mingle with yon springalds and beaux."
+
+"To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy," said the youth
+addressed as Sam, "might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the cheek
+of the parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life when History
+fortifies endurance: and past study renders present deprivation more
+bearable. If our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution,
+Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we desire to-day
+would little benefit us to-morrow. Poor and hungry as we are, are we
+less happy, Dick, than yon listless voluptuary who banquets on the food
+which you covet?"
+
+And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the "Parthenon"
+Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel at a neighboring
+cook's shop. Their names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage.
+
+Meanwhile the conversation at Button's was fast and brilliant. "By
+Wood's thirteens, and the divvle go wid 'em," cried the Church dignitary
+in the cassock, "is it in blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir
+Richard, when you ought to be in seebles?"
+
+"Who's dead, Dean?" said the nobleman, the dean's companion.
+
+"Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name's Jonathan
+Swift--and I'm not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father's
+name?--there's been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely. A child
+of Dick Steele's has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered,
+and it's Joe Addison yondther has done it. Ye should have killed one of
+your own, Joe, ye thief of the world."
+
+"I!" said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; "I kill Dick's
+child! I was godfather to the last."
+
+"And promised a cup and never sent it," Dick ejaculated. Joseph looked
+grave.
+
+"The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet. What
+made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? The whole town is in tears about the
+good knight; all the ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning;
+all the booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the copies
+of the Spectator are sold since the death of the brave old gentleman."
+And the Dean of St. Patrick's pulled out the Spectator newspaper,
+containing the well-known passage regarding Sir Roger's death. "I bought
+it but now in 'Wellington Street,'" he said; "the newsboys were howling
+all down the Strand."
+
+"What a miracle is Genius--Genius, the Divine and Beautiful," said a
+gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed cavalier
+in iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in fact Mr.
+Alexander Pope. "What a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege
+of Art! To make the Ideal more credible than the Actual: to enchain
+our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets, our tears, for a mere
+brain-born Emanation: to invest with life the Incorporeal, and to
+glamour the cloudy into substance,--these are the lofty privileges of
+the Poet, if I have read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the
+sounds that rang from Homer's lyre, as with the strains which celebrate
+the loss of Belinda's lovely locks"--(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly
+delighted)--"these, I say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet--the
+Poietes--the Maker--he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot
+charm death into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty
+out of Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal. Ho! Jemmy,
+another flask of Nantz."
+
+And the boy--for he who addressed the most brilliant company of wits in
+Europe was little more--emptied the contents of the brandy-flask into
+a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of the company
+assembled. 'Twas the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently,
+and with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee-house,
+and was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past the National Gallery.
+
+"Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe Addison himself, in
+drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the three kingdoms,"
+Dick Steele said, good-naturedly.
+
+"His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard," the
+Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed. "He is the author of that famous
+No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the credit."
+
+"The rascal foiled me at capping verses," Dean Swift said, "and won a
+tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!"
+
+"He has suggested an emendation in my 'Homer,' which proves him a
+delicate scholar," Mr. Pope exclaimed.
+
+"He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and we
+must have an eye upon him," said Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of
+State for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who
+was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him something.
+
+Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all the
+wits of London with admiration? His galloping charger had returned to
+the City; his splendid court-suit was doffed for the citizen's gabardine
+and grocer's humble apron.
+
+George de Barnwell was in Chepe--in Chepe, at the feet of Martha
+Millwood.
+
+
+VOL III.
+
+THE CONDEMNED CELL.
+
+
+"Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor? Nay," George added, a
+faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, "why speak to thee in
+the accents of the Roman poet, which thou comprehendest not? Bright One,
+there be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth,
+this Heart on which thou leanest, which are equally unintelligible to
+thee! Yes, my pretty one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what
+is the Ideal but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And
+the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders
+by the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck before
+that Azure Mystery."
+
+Emily's eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew. "Speak on, speak ever thus,
+my George," she exclaimed. Barnwell's chains rattled as the confiding
+girl clung to him. Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed to sit with the
+Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate language, and also
+burst into tears.
+
+"You weep, my Snoggin," the Boy said; "and why? Hath Life been so
+charming to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no
+after-Weariness? Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory no
+Mockery? Psha! I am sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine
+and Wit, and--nay, start not, my Adelaide--and Woman. I fling away all
+these things as the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul's Nursery. I am
+a Man, and pine for the Illimitable! Mark you me! Has the Morrow any
+terrors for me, think ye? Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca
+blench in his bath? Did Brutus shirk the sword when his great stake was
+lost? Did even weak Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent's fatal nip? And
+why should I? My great Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit.
+Lie sheathed in my heart, thou flashing Blade! Welcome to my Bosom, thou
+faithful Serpent; I hug thee, peace-bearing Image of the Eternal!
+Ha, the hemlock cup! Fill high, boy, for my soul is thirsty for
+the Infinite! Get ready the bath, friends; prepare me for the feast
+To-morrow--bathe my limbs in odors, and put ointment in my hair."
+
+"Has for a bath," Snoggin interposed, "they're not to be 'ad in this
+ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little hoil for
+your 'air."
+
+The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. "My guardian understands
+me not, pretty one--and thou? what sayest thou? From those dear lips
+methinks--plura sunt oscula quam sententiae--I kiss away thy tears,
+dove!--they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will dry, and
+presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they have beamed on
+poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not all forget him, sweet one. He
+was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for all the world said--"
+
+"That, that he had," cried the gaoler and the girl in voices gurgling
+with emotion. And you who read! you unconvicted Convict--you murderer,
+though haply you have slain no one--you Felon in posse if not in
+esse--deal gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has failed
+thee--and believe that the Truthful and the Beautiful bloom sometimes in
+the dock and the convict's tawny Gabardine!
+
+*****
+
+In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought to
+acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. "It may be an error of
+judgment," he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol, "but it is no
+crime. Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no remorse,
+Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry: therefore, I am innocent. Is the
+proposition a fair one?"
+
+The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested.
+
+"And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow," the Boy resumed, "for
+ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was dross,
+and who never had a feeling for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I
+stood before my uncle in the moonlight, in the gardens of the ancestral
+halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that it was the Nemesis come to
+overthrow him. 'Dog,' I said to the trembling slave, 'tell me where
+thy Gold is. THOU hast no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the
+Poverty on which thou tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest
+not; in uplifting Art, to which thou art blind. Give Gold, and thou art
+free.' But he spake not, and I slew him."
+
+"I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated," said the
+admirable chaplain, "for its general practice might chance to do harm.
+Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and Beloved, the
+Poet and Sage, urged by what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast
+appeared as Avenger. Think what would be the world's condition, were men
+without any Yearning after the Ideal to attempt to reorganize Society,
+to redistribute Property, to avenge Wrong."
+
+"A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven," said the noble though misguided
+young Prisoner. "Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell."
+
+"Yes, indeed, my brave youth!" the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed,
+clasping the Prisoner's marble and manacled hand; "and the Tragedy of
+To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted
+even to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal and the
+Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Real likewise."
+
+"Look! here is supper!" cried Barnwell gayly. "This is the Real, Doctor;
+let us respect it and fall to." He partook of the meal as joyously as
+if it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could
+scarcely eat it for tears.
+
+     * This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is
+     expressed much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of
+     Eugene Aram:--"The burning desires I have known--the
+     resplendent visions I have nursed--the sublime aspirings
+     that have lifted me so often from sense and clay: these tell
+     me, that whether for good or ill, I am the thing of an
+     immortality and the creature of a God. . . .  I have
+     destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by
+     which he afflicted society, I have been the means of
+     blessing many."
+
+
+
+
+CODLINGSBY.
+
+BY D. SHREWSBERRY, ESQ.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+"The whole world is bound by one chain. In every city in the globe
+there is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize from
+its likeness to its brother district in all other places where are
+congregated the habitations of men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or
+New York, or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where a
+certain man is not a stranger. Where the idols are fed with incense by
+the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the minarets soar sparkling above
+the cypresses, their reflections quivering in the lucid waters of the
+Golden Horn; where the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and over
+imperial glories; where the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the
+palm-trees; where the Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its
+bridges, its graceful factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes--hidden in
+fog and smoke by the dirtiest river in the world--in all the cities of
+mankind there is One Home whither men of one family may resort. Over the
+entire world spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering, silent, scattered,
+sympathizing, WAITING--an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread
+band was an Arabian clan--a little nation alone and outlying amongst the
+mighty monarchies of ancient time, the Megatheria of history. The sails
+of their rare ships might be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of
+their caravans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the
+date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in
+many wars, against mighty odds; but 'twas a small people, and on one
+dark night the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian's Eagles, and in
+flame, and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . . Yes,
+the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken the world
+in exchange?"
+
+Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he debouched
+from Wych Street into the Strand. He had been to take a box for Armida
+at Madame Vestris's theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame
+Vestris's theatre; and her little brougham, and her little self, and
+her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her miraculous
+bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty guineas every evening at
+Nathan's in Covent Garden (the children of the gardeners of Sharon have
+still no rival for flowers), might be seen, three nights in the week at
+least, in the narrow, charming, comfortable little theatre. Godfrey had
+the box. He was strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts
+passed through the young noble's mind as he came in sight of Holywell
+Street.
+
+The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in
+the evening sunshine. Children were playing on the steps. Fathers were
+smoking at the lintel. Smiling faces looked out from the various and
+darkling draperies with which the warehouses were hung. Ringlets glossy,
+and curly, and jetty--eyes black as night--midsummer night--when it
+lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks of eagles--eager quivering
+nostrils--lips curved like the bow of Love--every man or maiden, every
+babe or matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one or more
+of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race.
+
+"How beautiful they are!" mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these placid
+groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset.
+
+"D'you vant to look at a nishe coat?" a voice said, which made him
+start; and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of
+Stultz's with a familiarity which would have made the baron tremble.
+
+"Rafael Mendoza!" exclaimed Godfrey.
+
+"The same, Lord Codlingsby," the individual so apostrophized replied. "I
+told you we should meet again where you would little expect me. Will it
+please you to enter? this is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices
+my heart to welcome you home." So saying Rafael laid his hand on his
+breast, and bowed, an oriental reverence. All traces of the accent with
+which he first addressed Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise;
+half the Hebrew's life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, since
+the Norman boors persecuted him.
+
+They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies, greasy
+spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and hideous as the
+entrance was foul. "THIS your home, Rafael?" said Lord Codlingsby.
+
+"Why not?" Rafael answered. "I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein; the
+Rhine bores me after a while. It is too hot for Florence; besides they
+have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place smells of putty.
+You wouldn't have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in
+Normandy, out of the hunting season? The Rugantino Palace stupefies me.
+Those Titians are so gloomy, I shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I
+think, from my house at the Hague hung over them."
+
+"How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you,
+Rafael?" Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing.
+
+"This is one," Rafael answered. "Come in."
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming sullenly
+over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary's was clanging with alarm; St.
+Giles's tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, flights of brickbats,
+stones shivering windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened
+females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the enemy from
+Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed that the battle was at its
+height.
+
+In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the cuirassiers
+would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that infuriate mob. In
+France they would have brought down artillery, and played on it with
+twenty-four pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance--it was
+a Town and Gown row.
+
+The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout
+Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the Brazenose
+light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words arose regarding
+the dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the boats pulled
+back to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance between the Townsmen and
+the University youths--their invariable opponents--grew louder and more
+violent, until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmishing
+took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the University gate
+down to the broad and shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of
+Balliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young
+sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar
+of the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful
+butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great
+University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the
+combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection.
+
+During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a
+narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a hundred
+yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have a good view
+of that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few rapid
+strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong ahead; then he
+would wait, surveying the race, and sending up volumes of odor from his
+cool narghilly.
+
+"Who is he?" asked the crowds who panted along the shore, encouraging,
+according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the oarsmen in the race.
+Town and Gown alike asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking,
+in a barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a skill so
+prodigious, beat their best men. No answer could be given to the query,
+save that a gentleman in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six
+fourgons and a courier, had arrived the day before at the "Hoop Inn,"
+opposite Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the
+individual in question.
+
+No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any
+that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman. That
+boat--slim, shining, and shooting through the water like a pike after
+a small fish--was a caique from Tophana; it had distanced the Sultan's
+oarsmen and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus; it
+was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The
+Bashee had refused fifty thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the
+Russian Ambassador, for that little marvel. When his head was taken off,
+the Father of Believers presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza.
+
+It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the battle
+of Nezeeb. By sending three millions of piastres to the Seraskier; by
+bribing Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in the camp of the
+victorious Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped--the
+menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin; the Marchioness of
+Stokepogis, our ambassador's lady, appeared in a suite of diamonds which
+outblazed even the Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the
+little caique. He never travelled without it. It was scarcely heavier
+than an arm-chair. Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the
+Cam that morning, and Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have
+mentioned.
+
+The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed,
+full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown was angry, the Town, too,
+was on the alert. From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from
+wharf and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the enemy, and their
+battle was soon general. From the Addenbrook's hospital to the Blenheim
+turnpike, all Cambridge was in an uproar--the college gates closed--the
+shops barricaded--the shop-boys away in support of their brother
+townsmen--the battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight.
+
+A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at his
+inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university cooks to
+entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water formed his
+meal. In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the
+slighted banquet. "A breakfast! psha!" said he. "My good man, I have
+nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from four hundred a year. I can have
+a dinner at any hour; but a Town and Gown row" (a brickbat here flying
+through the window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza's hand)--"a
+Town and Gown row is a novelty to me. The Town has the best of it,
+clearly, though: the men outnumber the lads. Ha, a good blow! How that
+tall townsman went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet
+trencher cap."
+
+"That is the Lord Codlingsby," the landlord said.
+
+"A light weight, but a pretty fighter," Mendoza remarked. "Well hit with
+your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby; claret drawn,
+by Jupiter!"
+
+"Ours is werry fine," the landlord said. "Will your Highness have
+Chateau Margaux or Lafitte?"
+
+"He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!" Rafael
+exclaimed, as an enormous boatman--no other than Rullock--indeed, the
+most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose fists the Gownsmen
+went down like ninepins--fought his way up to the spot where, with
+admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and one or two of his
+friends were making head against a number of the town.
+
+The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his race,
+but was no match for the enemy's strength and weight and sinew, and
+went down at every round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. His
+savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal combat from the
+inn-window. "Hold your hand!" he cried to this Goliath; "don't you see
+he's but a boy?"
+
+"Down he goes again!" the bargeman cried, not heeding the interruption.
+"Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!"
+
+"Coward!" shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a shower
+of brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one of the
+pillars to the ground, was an instant's work.
+
+At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman.
+
+*****
+
+After the coroner's inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to each of
+the bargeman's ten children, and it was thus his first acquaintance was
+formed with Lord Codlingsby.
+
+But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell Street.
+Let us go in.
+
+
+III.
+
+
+Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of the
+old mansion in Holywell Street. It was a masquerade warehouse to all
+appearance. A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing at the dark
+and grimy counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow hoots, old
+stage mantles, painted masks, blind and yet gazing at you with a look of
+sad death-like intelligence from the vacancy behind their sockets.
+
+A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny and
+silver, slashed with dirty light blue. He was going to a masquerade that
+night. He thought Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress--Polly
+Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work--the Borough Venus, adored by
+half the youth of Guy's.
+
+"You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint," pretty Rachel said, coaxing
+him with her beady black eyes.
+
+"It IS the cheese," replied Mr. Lint; "it ain't the dress that don't
+suit, my rose of Sharon; it's the FIGURE. Hullo, Rafael, is that you,
+my lad of sealing-wax? Come and intercede for me with this wild gazelle;
+she says I can't have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it's too
+much: cuss me if it's not too much, unless you'll take my little bill at
+two months, Rafael."
+
+"There's a sweet pretty brigand's dress you may have for half de
+monish," Rafael replied; "there's a splendid clown for eight bob; but
+for dat Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve'd ask a guinea
+of any but you. Here's a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look 'ear,
+Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat?" So saying, Rafael
+turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost gravity, and displayed to him
+the garment about which the young medicus was haggling.
+
+"Cheap at the money," Codlingsby replied; "if you won't make up your
+mind, sir, I should like to engage it myself." But the thought that
+another should appear before Polly Pattens in that costume was too much
+for Mr. Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment.
+And Rafael, pocketing the money with perfect simplicity, said, "Dis vay,
+Mr. Brownsh: dere's someting vill shoot you in the next shop."
+
+Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering.
+
+"You are surprised at our system," said Rafael, marking the evident
+bewilderment of his friend. "Confess you would call it meanness--my
+huckstering with yonder young fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away
+a shilling without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four men's
+bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers by holding them out relief
+in their necessity? It is you who are mean--you Normans--not we of the
+ancient race. You have your vulgar measurement for great things and
+small. You call a thousand pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable.
+Psha, my Codlingsby! One is as the other. I trade in pennies and in
+millions. I am above or below neither."
+
+They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of cedar,
+and, in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the young
+Hebrews are in the habit of vending through the streets. "I have sold
+bundles and bundles of these," said Rafael. "My little brother is now
+out with oranges in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be head of our
+house at Amsterdam. We all do it. I had myself to see Rothschild in
+Eaton Place this morning, about the Irish loan, of which I have taken
+three millions: and as I wanted to walk, I carried the bag.
+
+"You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the Archbishop
+of Croydon's daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet's, Knightsbridge,
+and as she fancied she recognized in the man who was crying old clothes
+the gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de St. Aulair's the
+night before." Something like a blush flushed over the pale features of
+Mendoza as he mentioned the Lady Lauda's name. "Come on," said he. They
+passed through various warehouses--the orange room, the sealing-wax
+room, the six-bladed knife department, and finally came to an old baize
+door. Rafael opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they
+were in a black passage, with a curtain at the end.
+
+He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew back,
+and a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his visitor.
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+
+They entered a moderate-sized apartment--indeed, Holywell Street is not
+above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than half that
+length--it was fitted up with the simple taste of its owner.
+
+The carpet was of white velvet--(laid over several webs of Aubusson,
+Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it trod
+upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed you)--of
+white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by
+Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and Paul Delaroche.
+The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and fringed with Valenciennes
+lace and bullion. The walls were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered
+with gold figures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses,
+and passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The drops of dew
+which the artificer had sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds. The
+hangings were overhung by pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the
+gorgeous, Titian the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of
+Painting), some of Murillo's beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you
+out of darkness like a star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and
+fifty of the master-pieces of the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial
+genius of Urbino, covered the walls of the little chamber. Divans of
+carved amber covered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst
+was a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double-distilled
+otto of roses.
+
+"Pipes, Goliath!" Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver
+collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); "and welcome
+to our snuggery, my Codlingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of
+the house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I'm proud of my pictures.
+That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a gift to our father from my
+cousin, Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie
+Antoinette before the flight to Varennes--the poor lady could not
+redeem the pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us. As for the
+Rafael, I suppose you are aware that he was one of our people. But what
+are you gazing at? Oh! my sister--I forgot. Miriam! this is the Lord
+Codlingsby."
+
+She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl
+music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz. She rose when thus apostrophized.
+Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger.
+
+The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives--Zillah the dark beauty;
+Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva
+were golden. The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were morning.
+Codlingsby was fair--of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa--they
+called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much fairer was Miriam the
+Hebrew!
+
+Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the delight
+of all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at. It was of
+burning auburn. Meandering over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand
+minute ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue velvet
+fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued at two hundred thousand
+tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant Vicovich, who had received it from
+Dost Mahomed), with a simple bird of paradise, formed her head-gear. A
+sea-green cymar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded
+arms to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over
+a yellow satin frock. Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and
+slippers of the same color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but
+so covered with pearls that the original hue of the charming little
+papoosh disappeared entirely) completed her costume. She had three
+necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess--her fingers
+glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and priceless bracelets,
+bangles, and armlets wound round an arm that was whiter than the ivory
+grand piano on which it leaned.
+
+As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the solemn
+welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the brightness of
+her beauty. It was well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to
+consciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recognition, he sank
+upon a sandalwood settee, as Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic
+coffee in cups of opal, and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the
+fragrant Gibelly.
+
+"My lord's pipe is out," said Miriam with a smile, remarking the
+bewilderment of her guest--who in truth forgot to smoke--and taking up
+a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it at
+the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk of Lord
+Codlingsby.
+
+
+IV.
+
+
+When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a signal
+from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of the ivory
+piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he were listening
+at the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny Lind.
+
+"Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of
+Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or Lewis
+or Lyons or Lion. The beautiful and the brave alike give cognizances
+to the ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or
+Rodgers," Rafael observed to his friend; and, drawing the instrument
+from his pocket, he accompanied his sister, in the most ravishing
+manner, on a little gold and jewelled harp, of the kind peculiar to his
+nation.
+
+All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by composers
+of her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca by Braham, a
+delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on
+the strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the
+heart; but she sang no other than the songs of her nation.
+
+"Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always," Codlingsby thought. "I
+could sit at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that
+Paradise-birds were singing in the boughs."
+
+Rafael read his thoughts. "We have Saxon blood too in our veins,"
+he said. "You smile! but it is even so. An ancestress of ours made
+a mesalliance in the reign of your King John. Her name was Rebecca,
+daughter of Isaac of York, and she married in Spain, whither she had
+fled to the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe; then a
+widower by the demise of his first lady, Rowena. The match was deemed a
+cruel insult amongst our people but Wilfred conformed, and was a Rabbi
+of some note at the synagogue of Cordova. We are descended from him
+lineally. It is the only blot upon the escutcheon of the Mendozas."
+
+As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having
+retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the soul
+of the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers from the
+outer apartments came in to transact business with him.
+
+First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers to
+sign. "How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is your
+son tired of his yacht yet?" Mendoza asked. "That is my twenty-fourth
+cashier," said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went
+away. "He is fond of display, and all my people may have what money they
+like."
+
+Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his mortgage. The
+Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a haughty air, shrank
+back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding the magnificence around
+him. "Little Mordecai," said Rafael to a little orange-boy, who came in
+at the heels of the noble, "take this gentleman out and let him have ten
+thousand pounds. I can't do more for you, my lord, than this--I'm busy.
+Good-by!" And Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking his
+narghilly.
+
+A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache, came
+next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily upon his
+high-heeled boots. "Tell your master that he shall have two millions
+more, but not another shilling," Rafael said. "That story about the
+five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all bosh. They
+won't believe it in Europe. You understand me, Count Grogomoffski?"
+
+"But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the knout
+unless--"
+
+"Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court," said
+Mendoza good-naturedly. "Leave me at peace, Count: don't you see it is
+Friday, and almost sunset?" The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left
+an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him.
+
+An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping
+bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new loan
+for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid colloquy in
+his own language, was dismissed by Rafael.
+
+"The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be disposed
+of," Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from Spain, General
+the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him. "Which shall it be, my Codlingsby?"
+Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer--for indeed he was amazed to
+find all the affairs of the world represented here, and Holywell Street
+the centre of Europe--when three knocks of a peculiar nature were heard,
+and Mendoza starting up, said, "Ha! there are only four men in the world
+who know that signal." At once, and with a reverence quite distinct from
+his former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer.
+
+He was an old man--an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race--the
+light of his eyes was unfathomable--about his mouth there played an
+inscrutable smile. He had a cotton umbrella, and old trousers, and old
+boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear.
+
+He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made him
+the lowest reverence.
+
+"I am tired," says he; "I have come in fifteen hours. I am ill at
+Neuilly," he added with a grin. "Get me some eau sucree, and tell me the
+news, Prince de Mendoza. These bread rows; this unpopularity of Guizot;
+this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and
+daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against Coletti, makes me quite
+ill. Give me your opinion, my dear duke. But ha! whom have we here?"
+
+The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language
+to address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have pleaded
+ignorance of that tongue. But he had been at Cambridge, where all the
+youth acquire it perfectly.
+
+"SIRE," said he, "I will not disguise from you that I know the ancient
+tongue in which you speak. There are probably secrets between Mendoza
+and your Maj--"
+
+"Hush!" said Rafael, leading him from the room. "Au revoir, dear
+Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of US," he whispered at the door; "so is
+the Pope of Rome; so is . . ."--a whisper concealed the rest.
+
+"Gracious powers! is it so?" said Codlingsby, musing. He entered into
+Holywell Street. The sun was sinking.
+
+"It is time," said he, "to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic."
+
+
+
+
+PHIL FOGARTY.
+
+A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH.
+
+BY HARRY ROLLICKER.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+The gabion was ours. After two hours' fighting we were in possession of
+the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable as circumstances
+would admit. Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and
+myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our servants laid out a hasty
+supper on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had escaped me so provokingly
+after I cut him down, his spoils were mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna
+sausage were found in the Marshal's holsters; and in the haversack of a
+French private who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread,
+his three days' ration. Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may
+be sure, wherever the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him
+in his instrument-case. We sat down and made a soldier's supper. The
+Doctor pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees growing
+near (and round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had made a
+desperate rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere's helmet.
+
+"'Faith, it never had so much wit in it before," said the Doctor, as he
+ladled out the drink. We all roared with laughing, except the guardsman,
+who was as savage as a Turk at a christening.
+
+"Buvez-en," said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; "ca vous fera
+du bien, mon vieux coq!" and the Colonel, whose wound had been just
+dressed, eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with a
+health to the donors.
+
+How strange are the chances of war! But half an hour before he and
+I were engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my
+conqueror. Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his horse, and
+was about to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was parried
+by my sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the next instant at my
+throat--I was on the ground--my prisoner had escaped, and a gigantic
+warrior in the uniform of a colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring
+over me with pointed sword.
+
+"Rends-toi, coquin!" said he.
+
+"Allez an Diable!" said I: "a Fogarty never surrenders."
+
+I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in
+Killaloo--I felt the tip of his blade between my teeth--I breathed a
+prayer, and shut my eyes--when the tables were turned--the butt-end of
+Lanty Clancy's musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held
+it.
+
+"Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish," said the French officer, with a curse in
+the purest Irish. It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough to bid
+Lanty hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have brained my
+gallant adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as what
+gallant hearts are not?
+
+The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we
+sat down to make the most of our time. The rogue of a Doctor took the
+liver-wing for his share--we gave the other to our guest, a prisoner;
+those scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs--and,
+'faith, poor I was put off with the Pope's nose and a bit of the back.
+
+"How d'ye like his Holiness's FAYTURE?" said Jerry Blake.
+
+"Anyhow you'll have a MERRY THOUGHT," cried the incorrigible Doctor, and
+all the party shrieked at the witticism.
+
+"De mortuis nil nisi bonum," said Jack, holding up the drumstick clean.
+
+"'Faith, there's not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED, anyhow,"
+said I; "come, boys, let's have a song."
+
+"Here goes," said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his own
+composition--
+
+     "Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill,
+     And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill,
+     Was once Tommy Tosspot's, as jovial a sot,
+     As e'er drew a spigot, or drain'd a full pot--
+     In drinking all round 'twas his joy to surpass,
+     And with all merry tipplers he swigg'd off his glass.
+
+     "One morning in summer, while seated so snug,
+     In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug,
+     Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear,
+     And said, 'Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;'
+     We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can,
+     From which let us drink to the health of my Nan."
+
+"Psha!" said the Doctor, "I've heard that song before; here's a new one
+for you, boys!" and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice--
+
+          "You've all heard of Larry O'Toole,
+           Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole;
+                He had but one eye,
+                To ogle ye by--
+           Oh, murther, but that was a jew'l!
+                A fool
+           He made of de girls, dis O'Toole.
+
+          "'Twas he was the boy didn't fail,
+           That tuck down pataties and mail;
+                He never would shrink
+                From any sthrong dthrink,
+           Was it whisky or Drogheda ale;
+                I'm bail
+           This Larry would swallow a pail.
+
+          "Oh, many a night at the bowl,
+           With Larry I've sot cheek by jowl;
+               He's gone to his rest,
+                Where there's dthrink of the best,
+           And so let us give his old sowl
+                A howl,
+           For twas he made the noggin to rowl."
+
+I observed the French Colonel's eye glistened as he heard these
+well-known accents of his country but we were too well-bred to pretend
+to remark his emotion.
+
+The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were finished, and
+each began to look out with some anxiety for the preconcerted signal,
+the rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian's quarters, which was to announce
+the recommencement of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her
+silver splendor, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to the earth at
+the feet of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts
+at the head of the storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns
+in position opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by
+a tremendous canonnade from the fort.
+
+"Who's going to dance?" said the Doctor: "the ball's begun. Ha! there
+goes poor Jack Delamere's head off! The ball chose a soft one, anyhow.
+Come here, Tim, till I mend your leg. Your wife has need only knit half
+as many stockings next year, Doolan my boy. Faix! there goes a big one
+had wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad! it has snuffed the feather off
+my cocked hat!"
+
+In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail, the
+undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty. That he had
+a feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more so than
+Philip Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war.
+
+Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the
+Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little. "Be cool,
+boys," I said; "it will be hot enough work for you ere long." The
+honest fellows answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our
+prisoner.
+
+"Countryman," said I, "I know you; but an Irishman was never a traitor."
+
+"Taisez-vous!" said he, putting his finger to his lip. "C'est la
+fortune de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the Marquis d'
+O'Mahony, and I may render you the hospitality which your tyrannous laws
+prevent me from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race."
+
+I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye. It was,
+then, the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a Marquis by
+Napoleon on the field of Austerlitz!
+
+"Marquis," said I, "the country which disowns you is proud of you;
+but--ha! here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance." And in
+fact, Captain Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot, asked for
+the commander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in readiness
+to move as soon as the flank companies of the Ninety-ninth, and
+Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade of the German Legion began to
+advance up the echelon. The devoted band soon arrived; Jack Bowser
+heading the Ninety-ninth (when was he away and a storming-party to the
+fore?), and the gallant Potztausend, with his Hanoverian veterans.
+
+The second rocket flew up.
+
+"Forward, Onety-oneth!" cried I, in a voice of thunder. "Killaloo boys,
+follow your captain!" and with a shrill hurray, that sounded above the
+tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep; Bowser with the
+brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up with
+us. We passed the demilune, we passed the culverin, bayoneting the
+artillerymen at their guns; we advanced across the two tremendous
+demilunes which flank the counterscarp, and prepared for the final
+spring upon the citadel. Soult I could see quite pale on the wall; and
+the scoundrel Cambaceres, who had been so nearly my prisoner that day,
+trembled as he cheered his men. "On, boys, on!" I hoarsely exclaimed.
+"Hurroo!" said the fighting Onety-oneth.
+
+But there was a movement among the enemy. An officer, glittering with
+orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to the wall,
+and I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat.
+
+"We are hardly pressed, methinks," Napoleon said sternly. "I must
+exercise my old trade as an artilleryman;" and Murat loaded, and the
+Emperor pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that had not
+been silenced by our fire.
+
+"Hurray, Killaloo boys!" shouted I. The next moment a sensation of
+numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the rampart.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+"Hush!" said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis d'
+O'Mahony. "Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you. For six weeks
+those are the only sane words I have heard from you."
+
+"Faix, and 'tis thrue for you, Colonel dear," cried another voice, with
+which I was even more familiar; 'twas that of my honest and gallant
+Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at his master's
+recovery.
+
+"O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day intirely,
+when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't write, to
+the lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; and 'tis his
+Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the letther!
+Six weeks ravin' and roarin' as bould as a lion, and as mad as Mick
+Malony's pig, that mistuck Mick's wig for a cabbage, and died of atin'
+it!"
+
+"And have I then lost my senses?" I exclaimed feebly.
+
+"Sure, didn't ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday,
+and catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora's jet-black
+ringlets?" Lanty cried.
+
+At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young creature
+I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of the bed, and
+sailed out of the room.
+
+"Confusion, you blundering rogue," I cried; "who is that lovely lady
+whom you frightened away by your impertinence? Donna Anna? Where am I?"
+
+"You are in good hands, Philip," said the Colonel; "you are at my house
+in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military Governor. You
+and Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do
+not be ashamed: 'twas the Emperor pointed the gun;" and the Colonel took
+off his hat as he mentioned the name darling to France. "When our troops
+returned from the sally in which your gallant storming party was driven
+back, you were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the
+City. Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but,
+unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved
+my life in '98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris."
+
+"And many's the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther Phil,"
+said Clancy.
+
+"Brought you to Paris," resumed the Colonel, smiling; "where, by the
+soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you have been
+restored to health, thank heaven!"
+
+"And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?" I cried.
+
+"That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a descendant
+of the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses, Madame la
+Marechale de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria."
+
+"Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?" I cried.
+
+"Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?" the Colonel replied. "C'est
+la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and take this
+potion which Blanche has prepared for you."
+
+I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had compounded
+it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for I sank into a
+cool and refreshing slumber.
+
+From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of
+youth's happy time. Blanche--the enchanting Blanche--ministered
+henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily hand.
+And what were the effects? 'Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was
+over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for Baron Larrey, and
+Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to the right-about. In a short
+time I was in a situation to do justice to the gigot aux navets, the
+boeuf aux cornichons, and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis's
+board, with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen who
+frequented it.
+
+"Wait till he's quite well, Miss," said Lanty, who waited always behind
+me. "'Faith! when he's in health, I'd back him to ate a cow, barrin' the
+horns and teel." I sent a decanter at the rogue's head, by way of answer
+to his impertinence.
+
+Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole
+withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot of
+prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis's interest with the Emperor prevailed,
+and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners, at the
+Colonel's hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity (an
+opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fellow with the
+accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of mixing with the elite of
+French society, and meeting with many of the great, the beautiful,
+and the brave. Talleyrand was a frequent guest of the Marquis's. His
+bon-mots used to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his chop
+with us; Murat, when in town, constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and
+friendly round game. Alas! who would have thought those two gallant
+heads would be so soon laid low? My wife has a pair of earrings which
+the latter, who always wore them, presented to her--but we are advancing
+matters. Anybody could see, "avec un demioeil," as the Prince of
+Benevento remarked, how affairs went between me and Blanche; but though
+she loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his person, the
+brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs upon her.
+
+I recollect it was on St. Patrick's Day. My lovely friend had procured,
+from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved
+a thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired
+woman, between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of shamrock
+wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris were invited
+to the national festival.
+
+I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline Bonaparte
+and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of sets with
+Madame Recamier; and Robespierre's widow--an excellent, gentle creature,
+quite unlike her husband--stood up with the Austrian ambassador.
+Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and Nicholas Poussin, and
+Canova, who was in town making a statue of the Emperor for Leo X., and,
+in a word, all the celebrities of Paris--as my gifted countrywoman, the
+wild Irish girl, calls them--were assembled in the Marquis's elegant
+receiving-rooms.
+
+At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise! La Gigue
+Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the Parisians ever
+since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward
+and took me for a partner, and amidst the bravoes of the crowd, in
+which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram, and the Austrian
+ambassador, we showed to the beau monde of the French capital, I flatter
+myself, a not unfavorable specimen of the dance of our country.
+
+As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the
+"rail" style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, "Be on your
+guard; I see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about
+us; and when Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good."
+
+"Cambaceres is jealous," said I. "I have it," says she; "I'll make him
+dance a turn with me." So, presently, as the music was going like mad
+all this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds, and sat down.
+The lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Cambaceres as a
+second partner.
+
+The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give himself
+a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was speedily visible.
+He puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops trickled down his purple
+face, while my lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble
+quick, till she fairly danced him down.
+
+"Who'll take the flure with me?" said the charming girl, animated by the
+sport.
+
+"Faix, den, 'tis I, Lanty Clancy!" cried my rascal, who had been mad
+with excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and a
+hurroo, he began to dance with such rapidity as made all present stare.
+
+As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid cavalcade
+traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the Marquis's door. A
+crowd appeared to mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room
+were flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties the Emperor and
+the Empress. So engaged were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard
+the tumult occasioned by the august approach.
+
+It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre Francais, and
+seeing the Marquis's windows lighted up, proposed to the Empress to drop
+in on the party. He made signs to the musicians to continue: and the
+conqueror of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the simple
+evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Empress smiled and,
+seeing this, all the courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were
+delighted.
+
+"Is not this a great day for Ireland?" said the Marquis, with a tear
+trickling down his noble face. "O Ireland! O my country! But no more of
+that. Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch
+or negus."
+
+Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was
+Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine by her
+former marriage with a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack
+of the old blood in him, Eugene's manners were much more refined than
+those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the Emperor's Court, where (for
+my knife and fork were regularly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my
+poor friend Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the
+gallant Massena devour pease by means of his knife, in a way more
+innocent than graceful. Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at
+these eccentricities of our brave friends; who certainly did not shine
+in the drawing-room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle.
+The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and was full of
+kindness and attention.
+
+"I like Eugene," he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as his
+way was--"I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows as you;
+you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the camp have
+none. And I like you, Philip my boy," he added, "for being so attentive
+to my poor wife--the Empress Josephine, I mean." All these honors made
+my friends at the Marquis's very proud, and my enemies at Court crever
+with envy. Among these, the atrocious Cambaceres was not the least
+active and envenomed.
+
+The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which, like
+a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal amiability,
+soon was apparent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from my
+conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the war, the Emperor
+was most anxious to attach me to his service. The Grand Cross of St.
+Louis, the title of Count, the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the
+l4me Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered to me;
+and must I say it? Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one
+of the agents employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason.
+
+"Object to enter a foreign service!" she said, in reply to my refusal.
+"It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service. The Irish nation is in
+exile, and in the territories of its French allies. Irish traitors are
+not here; they march alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom
+the great Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but for
+the fatal valor of Irish mercenaries! Accept this offer, and my heart,
+my hand, my all are yours. Refuse it, Philip, and we part."
+
+"To wed the abominable Cambaceres!" I cried, stung with rage. "To wear
+a duchess's coronet, Blanche! Ha, ha! Mushrooms, instead of
+strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French
+nobility. I shall withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison--to
+be exchanged--to die--anything rather than be a traitor, and the tool of
+a traitress!" Taking up my hat, I left the room in a fury; and flinging
+open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was listening at the
+key-hole, and must have overheard every word of our conversation.
+
+We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter at
+our mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only made me more mad; and, having
+spurs on, I began digging them into Cambaceres' fat sides as we rolled
+on the carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and anger.
+
+"This insult must be avenged with blood!" roared the Duke of Illyria.
+
+"I have already drawn it," says I, "with my spurs."
+
+"Malheur et malediction!" roared the Marshal.
+
+"Hadn't you better settle your wig?" says I, offering it to him on the
+tip of my cane, "and we'll arrange time and place when you have put your
+jasey in order." I shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast
+at me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his mistress.
+
+"Lady Blanche," I continued bitterly, "as you look to share the Duke's
+coronet, hadn't you better see to his wig?" and so saying, I cocked my
+hat, and walked out of the Marquis's place, whistling "Garryowen."
+
+I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him in
+the Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was looking
+at the picture-shop in the corner. I explained to him my affair in a
+twinkling. He at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended
+me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had been made
+to me. "I knew it would be so," he said, kindly; "I told my father you
+wouldn't. A man with the blood of the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn't
+wheel about like those fellows of yesterday." So, when Cambaceres came
+out, which he did presently, with a more furious air than before, I
+handed him at once over to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and
+an early hour for the meeting to take place.
+
+"Can you make it before eleven, Phil?" said Beauharnais. "The Emperor
+reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour, and we might
+fight there handy before the review."
+
+"Done!" said I. "I want of all things to see the newly-arrived Saxon
+cavalry manoeuvre:" on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as much as
+to say, "See sights! Watch cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and
+take measure for a coffin, my boy!" walked away, naming our mutual
+acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in the business.
+
+I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of
+Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at Salamanca,
+with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top of him. Bugaboo
+was too much and too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though
+a showy horseman, was a bad rider across country; and I got the horse
+for a song. A wickeder and uglier brute never wore pig-skin; and I never
+put my leg over such a timber-jumper in my life. I rode the horse down
+to the Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres
+was to come off, and Lanty held him as I went in, "sure to win," as they
+say in the ring.
+
+Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I, who
+am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and that I
+could wing him if I had a mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both
+fired: I felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up my hand there,
+found a large piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at the same moment, and
+shrieking a horrible malediction, my adversary reeled and fell.
+
+"Mon Dieu, il est mort!" cried Ney.
+
+"Pas de tout," said Beauharnais. "Ecoute; il jure toujours."
+
+And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the ground
+cursing most frightfully. We went up to him: he was blind with the
+loss of blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He
+recovered; but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto in the
+French army, afterwards. The surgeon in attendance having taken charge
+of this unfortunate warrior, we rode off to the review where Ney and
+Eugene were on duty at the head of their respective divisions; and
+where, by the way, Cambaceres, as the French say, "se faisait desirer."
+
+It was arranged that Cambaceres' division of six battalions and
+nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement, supported
+by artillery in the intervals, and converging by different epaulements
+on the light infantry, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line.
+It was by this famous manoeuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte, at
+Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and
+General Castanos were defeated with such victorious slaughter: but it
+is a movement which, I need not tell every military man, requires the
+greatest delicacy of execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army
+into confusion.
+
+"Where is the Duke of Illyria?" Napoleon asked. "At the head of his
+division, no doubt," said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an arch
+look, put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall off my
+horse with laughter. Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at this moment
+the troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began, and his
+Majesty's attention was taken off from my impudence.
+
+Milhaud's Dragoons, their bands playing "Vive Henri Quatre," their
+cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre from the
+left flank in the most brilliant order, while the Carbineers of Foy, and
+the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet d'Erlon, executed a carambolade
+on the right, with the precision which became those veteran troops; but
+the Chasseurs of the young guard, marching by twos instead of threes,
+bore consequently upon the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and
+ill-affected body), and then, falling back in disorder, became entangled
+with the artillery and the left centre of the line, and in one instant
+thirty thousand men were in inextricable confusion.
+
+"Clubbed, by Jabers!" roared out Lanty Clancy. "I wish we could show 'em
+the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling."
+
+"Silence, fellow!" I exclaimed. I never saw the face of man express
+passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of Napoleon. He tore
+off General Milhaud's epaulettes, which he flung into Foy's face. He
+glared about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for the Duke
+of Illyria. "He is wounded, Sire," said General Foy, wiping a tear from
+his eye, which was blackened by the force of the blow; "he was wounded
+an hour since in a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de
+Fogarty."
+
+"Wounded! a marshal of France wounded! Where is the Englishman? Bring
+him out, and let a file of grenadiers--"
+
+"Sire!" interposed Eugene.
+
+"Let him be shot!" shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me with
+the fury of a fiend.
+
+This was too much. "Here goes!" said I, and rode slap at him.
+
+There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and
+I should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in an
+instant. But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had only
+wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty
+from this discharge.
+
+Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor's head, and Bugaboo went at
+it like a shot. He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned quite
+pale as I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely
+brushing the cockade which he wore.
+
+"Bravo!" said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap.
+
+"Cut him down!" said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic
+Cuirassier; and he made a pass at me with his sword. But he little knew
+an Irishman on an Irish horse. Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and fetched the
+monster a slap with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his
+saddle,--and away I went, with an army of a hundred and seventy-three
+thousand eight hundred men at my heels. * * * *
+
+
+
+
+BARBAZURE.
+
+BY G. P. R. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only
+known in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of Alsace,
+that two cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked eye threading
+one of the rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land
+between the Marne and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the declining
+luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which lined the path, through
+which the horsemen wound slowly; and as these eternal battlements with
+which Nature had hemmed in the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed
+with the last tints of the fading sunlight, the valley below was gray
+and darkling, and the hard and devious course was sombre in twilight.
+A few goats, hardly visible among the peaks, were cropping the scanty
+herbage here and there. The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks
+as they trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up plaintive
+echoes which moaned through those rocky and lonely steeps; the stars
+began to glimmer in the purple heavens spread serenely overhead and
+the faint crescent of the moon, which had peered for some time scarce
+visible in the azure, gleamed out more brilliantly at every moment,
+until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun's retreat. 'Tis a fair land
+that of France, a gentle, a green, and a beautiful; the home of arts
+and arms, of chivalry and romance, and (however sadly stained by the
+excesses of modern times) 'twas the unbought grace of nations once, and
+the seat of ancient renown and disciplined valor.
+
+And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and
+bravery is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that one
+over which our travellers wended, and which stretches between the good
+towns of Vendemiaire and Nivose. 'Tis common now to a hundred thousand
+voyagers: the English tourist, with his chariot and his Harvey's Sauce,
+and his imperials; the bustling commis-voyageur on the roof of the
+rumbling diligence; the rapid malle-poste thundering over the chaussee
+at twelve miles an hour--pass the ground hourly and daily now: 'twas
+lonely and unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century with
+which our story commences.
+
+Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such their
+outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together. The one, seemingly
+the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather in his barret-cap,
+and managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curveted
+gayly. A surcoat of peach-colored samite and a purfled doublet of vair
+bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant eye, his exquisitely chiselled
+nose, and his curling chestnut ringlets.
+
+Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring-violets;
+and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek--roses, alas! that bloom and die
+with life's spring! Now bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking off
+with his riding rod a floweret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot rode
+by his darker companion.
+
+His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed,
+that had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine. Thence
+through Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a city
+and commune, holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor
+of Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain l'Auxerrois, the warrior and his
+charger reached the lonely spot where now we find them.
+
+The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the
+steed which bore him. Both were caparisoned in the fullest trappings
+of feudal war. The arblast, the mangonel, the demiculverin, and the
+cuissart of the period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the
+war-steed; while the rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and
+arriere-ban, morion and tumbrel, battle-axe and rifflard, and the
+other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode stately on his steel-clad
+charger, himself a tower of steel. This mighty horseman was carried by
+his steed as lightly as the young springald by his Andalusian hackney.
+
+"'Twas well done of thee, Philibert," said he of the proof-armor, "to
+ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms."
+
+"Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!"
+replied the younger Cavalier. "When I was yet a page, thou wert a belted
+knight; and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard grew."
+
+"I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew the
+spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta," the individual
+addressed as Romane replied. "Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy,
+(and marry 'tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a lance with Solyman at
+Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre. But enough of this.
+Tell me of home--of our native valley--of my hearth, and my lady-mother,
+and my good chaplain--tell me of HER, Philibert," said the knight,
+executing a demivolt, in order to hide his emotion.
+
+Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the
+question. "The castle stands on the rock," he said, "and the swallows
+still build in the battlements. The good chaplain still chants his
+vespers at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother
+still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey. The
+tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely, kinsman mine," he
+added with an arch look.
+
+"But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?" Romane continued. "Since Lammas
+was a twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are unanswered.
+The postman hath traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a
+billet. How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?"
+
+"She is--well," Philibert replied; "her sister Anne is the fairest of
+the twain, though."
+
+"Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. A plague on
+sister Anne! Speak of Fatima, Philibert--my blue-eyed Fatima!"
+
+"I say she is--well," answered his comrade gloomily.
+
+"Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? Nay, hath she had the
+small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak; speak, boy!" cried the knight,
+wrought to agony.
+
+"Her cheek is as red as her mother's, though the old Countess paints
+hers every day. Her foot is as light as a sparrow's, and her voice as
+sweet as a minstrel's dulcimer; but give me nathless the Lady Anne,"
+cried Philibert; "give me the peerless Lady Anne! As soon as ever I have
+won spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and proclaim her the
+Queen of Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady Anne!" and so saying--but evidently
+wishing to disguise some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could
+ill brook to hear--the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward.
+
+But swift as was his courser's pace, that of his companion's enormous
+charger was swifter. "Boy," said the elder, "thou hast ill tidings. I
+know it by thy glance. Speak: shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a
+thousand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in the name
+of heaven and good Saint Botibol. Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your
+tidings like a man!"
+
+"Fatima is well," answered Philibert once again; "she hath had no
+measles: she lives and is still fair."
+
+"Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? Not false? By Saint
+Botibol, say not false," groaned the elder warrior.
+
+"A month syne," Philibert replied, "she married the Baron de Barbazure."
+
+With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the
+brave knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and fell
+from his charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast and
+magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin. The traveller
+of the present day, who wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and
+climbs the steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely
+trace, among the shattered masses of ivy-covered masonry which lie among
+the lonely crags, even the skeleton of the proud and majestic palace
+stronghold of the Barons of Barbazure.
+
+In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately, and
+seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal rocks on
+which they stood. The three mullets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted
+by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known cognizance of the house,
+blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, surmounting as many
+towers. The long lines of battlemented walls spread down the mountain
+to the Loire, and were defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men.
+Four hundred knights and six times as many archers fought round the
+banner of Barbazure at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour. For his
+services at Fontenoy against the English, the heroic Charles Martel
+appointed the fourteenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom
+of France; and for wealth, and for splendor, and for skill and fame
+in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no-wise inferior to his
+noble ancestors.
+
+That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the shore;
+that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a neighbor, or drew
+the fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy's castle with the wife
+and children within;--these were points for which the country knew and
+respected the stout Baron. When he returned from victory, he was sure to
+endow the Church with a part of his spoil, so that when he went forth to
+battle he was always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron
+Raoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the
+Court, the Church, and his neighbors.
+
+But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic
+grief which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure. His lovely ladies
+died one after the other. No sooner was he married than he was a
+widower; in the course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements
+had befallen the chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is a
+parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall of the great and
+wealthy as it does the humbler tenements of the poor.
+
+*****
+
+"Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover," said the Lady of
+Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, "and think how the noble
+Barbazure loves thee! Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had
+eyes for thee and thy cousin only."
+
+"I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!" the admirable
+Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. "Not that I care for my Lord of
+Barbazure's looks. MY heart, dearest mother, is with him who is far
+away!"
+
+"He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty-three
+corantoes, I think, child," the mother said, eluding her daughter's
+remark.
+
+"Twenty-five," said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to the
+ground. "Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!"
+
+"He had not the court air," the mother suggested.
+
+"I don't wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure's dancing,
+mamma," Fatima replied. "For a short, lusty man, 'tis wondrous how
+active he is; and in dignity the King's Grace himself could not surpass
+him."
+
+"You were the noblest couple in the room, love," the lady cried.
+
+"That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich
+plumes, blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink shoon,
+became the noble baron wondrous well," Fatima acknowledged. "It must be
+confessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of youth.
+But alas, madam! The noble baron hath had nine wives already."
+
+"And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth," the mother
+replied.
+
+"My cousin give her eyes!" Fatima exclaimed. "It's not much, I'm sure,
+for she squints abominably." And thus the ladies prattled, as they
+rode home at night after the great ball at the house of the Baron of
+Barbazure.
+
+The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand
+the doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the
+well-nurtured English maiden will participate in the divided feelings
+which rent her bosom. 'Tis true, that on his departure for the holy
+wars, Romane and Fatima were plighted to each other; but the folly of
+long engagements is proverbial; and though for many months the faithful
+and affectionate girl had looked in vain for news from him, her
+admirable parents had long spoken with repugnance of a match which must
+bring inevitable poverty to both parties. They had suffered, 'tis true,
+the engagement to subside, hostile as they ever were to it; but when
+on the death of the ninth lady of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked
+Fatima at the funeral, and rode home with her after the ceremony, her
+prudent parents saw how much wiser, better, happier for their child it
+would be to have for life a partner like the baron, than to wait the
+doubtful return of the penniless wanderer to whom she was plighted.
+
+Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how true
+to duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly angel, a
+well-bred woman of genteel family! Instead of indulging in splenetic
+refusals or vain regrets for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima at
+once signified to her excellent parents her willingness to obey their
+orders; though she had sorrows (and she declared them to be tremendous),
+the admirable being disguised them so well, that none knew they
+oppressed her. She said she would try to forget former ties, and (so
+strong in her mind was DUTY above every other feeling!--so strong may
+it be in every British maiden!) the lovely girl kept her promise. "My
+former engagements," she said, packing up Romane's letters and presents,
+(which, as the good knight was mortal poor, were in sooth of no great
+price)--"my former engagements I look upon as childish follies;--my
+affections are fixed where my dear parents graft them--on the noble, the
+princely, the polite Barbazure. 'Tis true he is not comely in feature,
+but the chaste and well-bred female knows how to despise the fleeting
+charms of form. 'Tis true he is old; but can woman be better employed
+than in tending her aged and sickly companion? That he has been married
+is likewise certain--but ah, my mother! who knows not that he must be a
+good and tender husband, who, nine times wedded, owns that, he cannot be
+happy without another partner?"
+
+It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed
+obedience to her parents' will, and consented to receive the magnificent
+marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant bridegroom.
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts to see
+her hapless daughter. Ever, when she came, the porters grinned at her
+savagely through the grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled
+gate of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. "The Lady
+of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and keeps her chamber," was
+the invariable reply of the dogged functionaries to the entreaties of
+the agonized mother. And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual
+calls at his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced
+to be at the postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the
+crupper of the lady's palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and
+in terror. "I will aim at the rider next time!" howled the ferocious
+baron, "and not at the horse!" And those who knew his savage nature and
+his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would neither break his
+knightly promise nor miss his aim.
+
+Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous
+passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were present at
+the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure's heart was changed
+towards his gentle and virtuous lady.
+
+For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted Baron
+of Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who entered.
+His lance bore everything down before it. The most famous champions of
+Europe, assembled at these joustings, had dropped, one by one, before
+this tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined to be
+his, and he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave, as his lady was
+the fairest of the fair.
+
+On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the Vosges,
+and the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the warrior had
+obtained such triumphs;--after having overcome two hundred and thirteen
+knights of different nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid
+Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted Dugueselin, as the
+conqueror sat still erect on his charger, and the multitudes doubted
+whether ever another champion could be found to face him, three blasts
+of a trumpet were heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing
+more clearly, until a knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his
+visor down, and riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the
+admiration of all present.
+
+The heralds asked him his name and quality.
+
+"Call me," said he, in a hollow voice, "the Jilted Knight." What was it
+made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents.
+
+The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the companion
+who rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de Coquelicot, who
+was known and respected universally through the neighborhood, gave a
+warranty for the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight--and Raoul
+de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two-hundred-and-fourteenth lance,
+shook the huge weapon in the air as though it were a reed, and prepared
+to encounter the intruder.
+
+According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the spear
+from harm, the top of the unknown knight's lance was shielded with
+a bung, which the warrior removed; and galloping up to Barbazure's
+pavilion, over which his shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with
+the sharpened steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assembly at
+this daring challenge to a combat a l'outrance. "Hast thou confessed,
+Sir Knight?" roared the Barbazure; "take thy ground, and look to
+thyself; for by heaven thy last hour is come!" "Poor youth, poor youth!"
+sighed the spectators; "he has called down his own fate." The next
+minute the signal was given, and as the simoom across the desert, the
+cataract down the rock, the shell from the howitzer, each warrior rushed
+from his goal.
+
+*****
+
+"Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?" said the Grand Duke, as at
+the end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over
+his prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at length
+unhorsed, and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity
+on his conqueror.
+
+"Take thy life," said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight; "thou
+hast taken all that was dear to me." And the sun setting, and no other
+warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the
+conqueror, and rode up to the duchess's balcony to receive the gold
+chain which was the reward of the victor. He raised his visor as the
+smiling princess guerdoned him--raised it, and gave ONE sad look towards
+the Lady Fatima at her side!
+
+"Romane de Clos-Vougeot!" shrieked she, and fainted. The Baron of
+Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his wound, and
+by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore
+revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a queen,
+returned to her castle as a prisoner.
+
+(As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel, let it
+suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which
+the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of the baroness,
+kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and the general tone of
+morality, are all excellently worked out, the Baron de Barbazure
+resolves upon putting his wife to death by the hands of the public
+executioner.)
+
+*****
+
+Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on
+the platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony of
+mid-day.
+
+The block was laid forth--the hideous minister of vengeance, masked
+and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready. The baron
+tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the dreadful
+swordsman if his hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood.
+The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank from him. There
+was not one there but loved and pitied the gentle lady.
+
+Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. To all her
+lord's savage interrogatories, her reply had been, "I am innocent." To
+his threats of death, her answer was, "You are my lord; my life is in
+your hands, to take or to give." How few are the wives, in our day, who
+show such angelic meekness! It touched all hearts around her, save that
+of the implacable Barbazure! Even the Lady Blanche, (Fatima's cousin),
+whom he had promised to marry upon his faithless wife's demise, besought
+for her kinswoman's life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her
+death.
+
+"Is there no pity, sir?" asked the chaplain who had attended her.
+
+"No pity?" echoed the weeping serving-maid.
+
+"Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?" said the gentle lady, and
+placed herself at the block.
+
+Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven hair.
+"Now!" shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his foot--"Now
+strike!"
+
+The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself to
+deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air, with
+one irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head of the
+furious, the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure!
+
+Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the Lady
+Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his mask,
+knelt gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well-known
+features of Romane de Clos-Vougeot.
+
+
+
+
+LORDS AND LIVERIES.
+
+BY THE AUTHORESS OF "DUKES AND DEJEUNERS," "HEARTS AND DIAMONDS,"
+"MARCHIONESSES AND MILLINERS," ETC. ETC.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+"CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box
+to-night," said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning over
+the velvet-cushioned balconies of the "Coventry Club," smoking their
+full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson's) after the opera.
+
+Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips
+of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire anything
+except a coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a supreme de
+cochon en torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion, the chef of
+the "Traveller's," only knows how to dress; or the bouquet of a flask of
+Medoc, of Carbonell's best quality; or a goutte of Marasquin, from the
+cellars of Briggs and Hobson.
+
+Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon of
+Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like too
+many of our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in his
+twenty-fourth year. Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent
+principles (who had imbued his young mind with that Morality which is so
+superior to all the vain pomps of the world!) it had not been always the
+young earl's lot to wear the coronet for which he now in sooth cared so
+little. His father, a captain of Britain's navy, struck down by the
+side of the gallant Collingwood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his
+sword and spotless name to his young, lovely, and inconsolable widow,
+who passed the first years of her mourning in educating her child in an
+elegant though small cottage in one of the romantic marine villages of
+beautiful Devonshire. Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the
+widow's heart as she pressed him to it! How faithfully did she instil
+into his young bosom those principles which had been the pole-star of
+the existence of his gallant father!
+
+In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found the
+widow and her boy. The seventeenth Earl--gallant and ardent, and in
+the prime of youth--went forth one day from the Eternal City to a
+steeple-chase in the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to
+his hotel in the Piazza di Spagna. Death, alas! is no respecter of the
+Nobility. That shattered form was all that remained of the fiery, the
+haughty, the wild, but the generous Altamont de Pentonville! Such, such
+is fate!
+
+The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother's
+solicitude at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly descended
+on her boy. She engaged an excellent clergyman of the Church of England
+to superintend his studies; to accompany him on foreign travel when the
+proper season arrived; to ward from him those dangers which dissipation
+always throws in the way of the noble, the idle, and the wealthy. But
+the Reverend Cyril Delaval died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth
+the young Earl of Bagnigge was without a guardian.
+
+What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty, he was a cynic and
+an epicure. He had drained the cup of pleasure till it had palled in his
+unnerved hand. He had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps
+without reverence. He was unmoved by the sandy solitudes of the Desert
+as by the placid depths of Mediterranean's sea of blue. Bitter, bitter
+tears did Emily de Pentonville weep, when, on Alured's return from the
+Continent, she beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in
+her beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy!
+
+"Corpo di Bacco," he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the red
+nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore's coachman--who, having deposited
+her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the carriage to
+the stables, before commencing his evening at the "Fortune of War"
+public-house--"what a lovely creature that was! What eyes! what hair!
+Who knows her? Do you, mon cher prince?"
+
+"E bellissima, certamente," said the Duca de Montepulciano, and stroked
+down his jetty moustache.
+
+"Ein gar schones Madchen," said the Hereditary Grand Duke of
+Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one.
+
+"Elle n'est pas mal, ma foi!" said the Prince de Borodino, with a scowl
+on his darkling brows. "Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont mauvais!" he
+added as he too cast away his Cuba.
+
+"Try one of my Pickwicks," said Franklin Fox, with a sneer, offering
+his gold etui to the young Frenchman; "they are some of Pontet's best,
+Prince. What, do you bear malice? Come, let us be friends," said the gay
+and careless young patrician; but a scowl on the part of the Frenchman
+was the only reply.
+
+"Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge," the wag
+went on.
+
+Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized. The
+Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom Protocol
+of the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh, Poldoody, and the
+rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any one present.
+
+"No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don't you see he has gone off
+in a fury!" Franklin Fox continued. "He has his reasons, ce cher prince:
+he will tell you nothing; but I will. You know that I am au mieux with
+the dear old duchess."
+
+"They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke's death," cried
+Poldoody.
+
+"I always thought Fwank was the duke's illicit gweatgwandson," drawled
+out De Boots.
+
+"I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs from
+Paris," cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are known in every
+diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo.
+
+"Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!" said Bagnigge. "Tell me about this
+girl, Franklin Fox."
+
+"In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring
+fence in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa at
+Richmond, a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand a year
+in the three-per-cents."
+
+"Apres?" said Bagnigge, still yawning.
+
+"Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour. They are cousins, her mother was
+an Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father, married
+another sister. I believe he was footman in the family, before Napoleon
+princified him."
+
+"No, no, he was second coachman," Tom Protocol good-naturedly
+interposed--"a cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man."
+
+"'Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one's, I mean) when
+he found me in the duchess's room this evening, tete-a-tete with the
+heiress, who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand."
+
+"It cost me three guineas," poor Frank said, with a shrug and a sigh,
+"and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she took the
+flowers;--eh, Bagnigge?"
+
+"And flung them to Alboni," the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer. And
+poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had.
+
+The maitre d'hotel here announced that supper was served. It was
+remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on
+Bagnigge that night.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the court
+of the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was such as has
+seldom been created by the appearance of any other beauty. The men were
+raving with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her beauty, her
+wit, her grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy.
+
+Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace's
+daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the heiress's
+regal beauty quite flung her cousins' simple charms into the shade,
+and blazed with a splendor which caused all "minor lights" to twinkle
+faintly. Before a day the beau-monde, before a week even the vulgarians
+of the rest of the town, rang with the fame of her charms; and while the
+dandies and the beauties were raving about her, or tearing her to pieces
+in May Fair, even Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the "Hoperer"
+in a green turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great
+HAIRESS to her D. in Bloomsbury Square.
+
+Crowds went to Squab and Lynch's, in Long Acre, to examine the carriages
+building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so odiously
+unostentatious and provokingly simple! Besides the ancestral services of
+argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six
+plate-chests at Messrs. Childs', Rumble and Briggs prepared a gold
+service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket, a service of the Benvenuto
+Cellini pattern, which were the admiration of all London. Before a month
+it is a fact that the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the
+blue stocks, called "Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:"
+long before that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline's, or sent
+couriers to Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of
+her dresses; but, as the Mantuan bard observes, "Non cuivis
+contigit,"--every foot cannot accommodate itself to the chaussure of
+Cinderella.
+
+With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these cheers
+following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst happy? Ah, no!
+It is not under the necklace the most brilliant that Briggs and Rumble
+can supply, it is not in Lynch's best cushioned chariot that the heart
+is most at ease. "Que je me ruinerai," says Fronsac in a letter to
+Bossuet, "si je savais ou acheter le bonheur!"
+
+With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was
+wretched--wretched, because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart
+had nothing to cling to. Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male
+person even entered it, except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing,)
+and the duchess's family, her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his friend
+old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the odious, odious Borodino.
+
+The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to
+him. Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such an
+opportunity to refaire sa fortune. He gave out that he would kill any
+man who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his
+word. Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen by his hand at
+Ostend. The O'Toole, who had met her on the Rhine, had received a ball
+in his shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care to resume so dangerous a
+courtship. Borodino could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards.
+He could beat Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the small-sword:
+he was the dragon that watched this pomme d'or, and very few persons
+were now inclined to face a champion si redoutable.
+
+Over a salmi d'escargot at the "Coventry," the dandies whom we
+introduced in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the
+heiress; and her story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who,
+for a wonder, was interested in the tale. Borodino's pretensions
+were discussed, and the way in which the fair Amethyst was confined.
+Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave Square, is--as everybody knows--the
+next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst. A communication was made
+between the two houses. She never went out except accompanied by the
+duchess's guard, which it was impossible to overcome.
+
+"Impossible! Nothing's impossible," said Lord Bagnigge.
+
+"I bet you what you like you don't get in," said the young Marquis of
+Martingale.
+
+"I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress's house before
+the season's over," Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and the bet was
+registered with shouts of applause.
+
+But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge, for
+the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him; he
+was carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a dislocated
+shoulder; and the doctor's bulletins pronounced him to be in the most
+dangerous state.
+
+
+Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding
+by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight after the above events, his
+lordship was prancing by her Grace's great family coach, and chattering
+with Lady Gwinever about the strange wager.
+
+"Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?" he asked. Her ladyship said
+yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican; and stared when
+Lord Martingale announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies,
+worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now kept at Coutts's.
+Then he explained the circumstances of the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament
+was to adjourn in ten days; the season would be over! Bagnigge was lying
+ill chez lui; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his.
+And he vowed he would buy Lord Binnacle's yacht--crew, captain, guns and
+all.
+
+On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore's, Martingale found
+among the many billets upon the gold plateau in his antichambre, the
+following brief one, which made him start--
+
+
+"DEAR MARTINGALE.--Don't be too sure of Binnacle's yacht. There are
+still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie at
+Coutts's for some time to come.
+
+"Yours,
+
+"BAGNIGGE.
+
+"P. S.--I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered up
+from that confounded fall."
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John,
+cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did not
+take powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under-butler,
+who reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned his name with
+praise to the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well-spoken a
+young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper's room deigned to notice
+him more than once; nor was his popularity diminished on account of a
+quarrel in which he engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon
+chasseur, who was one day found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited
+on Amethyst's own maid. The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames
+entering the Servants' Hall, where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in
+"aggravating" her, Miss Flouncy screamed: at the next moment the Belgian
+giant lay sprawling upon the carpet; and Jeames, standing over him,
+assumed so terrible a look, that the chasseur declined any further
+combat. The victory was made known to the house-steward himself, who,
+being a little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames on
+his valor, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own room.
+
+Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people. He
+had lived, he said, in that family two years. "But where there was
+no ladies," he said, "a gentleman's hand was spiled for service;" and
+Jeames's was a very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy admired it very much,
+and of course he did not defile it by menial service: he had in a young
+man who called him sir, and did all the coarse work; and Jeames read the
+morning paper to the ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many
+gentlemen do, but easily and elegantly, speaking off the longest words
+without a moment's difficulty. He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy
+found, who was studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de
+confiance; for when she said to him, "Polly voo Fransy, Munseer Jeames?"
+he replied readily, "We, Mademaselle, j'ay passay boco de tong a Parry.
+Commong voo potty voo?" How Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before
+her, the day after he had saved Miss Amethyst when the horses had run
+away with her in the Park!
+
+Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a week in Amethyst's
+service, and already the gentle heart of the washing-girl was
+irrecoverably gone! Poor Flouncy! Poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee.
+
+It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her cousin
+the prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into the Park
+simply with her companion, who had charge of her little Fido, the
+dearest little spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind
+the carriage with their long sticks and neat dark liveries; the
+horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the coachman a late
+lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole ring could not boast a more
+elegant turn-out.
+
+The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine. It
+may have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish ambassador
+which frightened the prince's grays, or Mrs. Champignon's new yellow
+liveries, which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon's
+preternatural ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at the time,
+or the prince's own want of skill, finally; but certain it is that the
+horses took fright, dashed wildly along the mile, scattered equipages,
+pietons, dandies' cabs, and snobs' pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming;
+and the prince, deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind, as the
+curricle came rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst's carriage stood.
+
+"I'm blest," Frederick exclaimed to his companion, "if it ain't the
+prince a-drivin our missis! They'll be in the Serpingtine, or dashed to
+pieces, if they don't mind." And the runaway steeds at this instant came
+upon them as a whirlwind.
+
+But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter. To jump
+from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle, to jump into
+it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole,
+and to seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino, who
+shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet leapt on his toes and into his
+seat, was the work of an instant. In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush
+of the horses was reduced to a swift but steady gallop; presently into a
+canter, then a trot; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling,
+but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst's carriage, which came up at a
+rapid pace.
+
+"Give me the reins, malappris! tu m'ecrases le corps, manant!" yelled
+the frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid charioteer.
+
+"Tant pis pour toi, nigaud," was the reply. The lovely Amethyst of
+course had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her carriage,
+and rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile.
+
+The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the
+latter--a liveried menial--stoop gracefully forward and kiss Amethyst's
+hand, may be imagined rather than described. But Jeames heeded not his
+curses. Having placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly
+resumed his station behind. Passion or danger seemed to have no
+impression upon that pale marble face.
+
+Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on coming
+to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the Frangipane best
+style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses,
+the clumsy attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille
+cisele, with its scalding contents, over the prince's chin, his Mechlin
+jabot, and the grand cordon of the Legion of honor which he wore.
+
+"Infame," howled Borodino, "tu l'as fait expres!"
+
+"Oui, je l'ai fait expres," said the man, with the most perfect Parisian
+accent. It was Jeames.
+
+Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after the
+morning's service, and he was chassed on the spot. He had been but a
+week in the house.
+
+The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may possibly
+elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:--
+
+"Singular Wager.--One night, at the end of last season, the young and
+eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand pounds
+with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of M-rt-ng-le,
+that he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely
+young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B-lgr-ve Squ-re. The
+bet having been made, the earl pretended an illness, and having taken
+lessons from one of his lordship's own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose
+name he also borrowed) in 'the MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,' actually
+succeeded in making an entry into Miss P-ml-co's mansion, where he
+stopped one week exactly; having time to win his bet, and to save the
+life of the lady, whom we hear he is about to lead to the altar. He
+disarmed the Prince of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands--and,
+it is said, appeared at the C---- club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a
+cloak, and displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager."
+
+Such, indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple have not more
+than nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully, and manage
+to do good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law and
+her little grandchildren, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un
+homme range.
+
+
+
+
+CRINOLINE.
+
+BY JE-MES PL-SH, ESQ.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+I'm not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the
+igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd paytrons
+of letarature and true connyshures of merrit--the great Brittish
+public--But I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of rewmantic
+love, absobbing pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is, in the main
+fax, TREW. The suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the rain of our presnt
+Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince Halbert.
+
+Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18-- (mor I dar not rewheel) there
+arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and Dover
+Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate
+Munseer Jools De Chacabac.
+
+Having read through "The Vicker of Wackfield" in the same oridganal
+English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and
+halways been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for his
+aytred and orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by
+the prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris, the very
+man to come to this country, igsamin its manners and customs, cast an i
+upon the politticle and finalshle stat of the Hempire, and igspose
+the mackynations of the infyamous Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir
+Pill--both enemies of France; as is every other Britten of that great,
+gloarus, libberal, and peasable country. In one word, Jools de Chacabac
+was a penny-a-liner.
+
+"I will go see with my own I's," he said, "that infimus hiland of which
+the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and treason.
+I will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the
+Chynese, the villians who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany, the
+artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with their cotton, and can't
+sleep or rest heasy for henvy and hatred of the great inwinsable French
+nation. I will igsammin, face to face, these hotty insularies; I will
+pennytrate into the secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard
+Palmerston in his denn." When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having
+been tremenguously sick in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, "Enfin je te
+tiens, Ile maudite! je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre! Je te
+foule a mes pieds an nom du monde outrage," and so proseaded to inwade
+the metropulus.
+
+As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the best of
+infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went and lodgd in
+Lester Square--Lester Squarr, as he calls it--which, as he was infommed
+in the printed suckular presented to him by a very greasy but polite
+comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the town,
+contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple theayters, the parx,
+St. Jams Pallice, and the Corts of Lor. "I can surwhey them all at one
+cut of the eye," Jools thought; "the Sovring, the infamus Ministers
+plotting the destruction of my immortial country; the business and
+pleasure of these pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and
+see all." So he took a three-pair back in a French hotel, the "Hotel
+de l'Ail," kep by Monsieur Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr,
+London.
+
+In this otell there's a billiard-room on the first floor, and a
+tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o'clock; and the landlord, who
+kem into Jools's room smoaking a segar, told the young gent that the
+house was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who reglar took
+their dinners there. "They can't ebide their own quiseen," he said.
+"You'll see what a dinner we'll serve you to-day." Jools wrote off to
+his paper--
+
+"The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like all
+the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the indulgence
+of their luxuries. The nobles of England, quitting their homes, their
+wives, miladies and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally
+at the tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel and
+Palmerston. I fremis to think that I may meet them at the board to-day."
+
+Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn't dine at the "Hotel de l'Ail"
+on that evening. "It's quite igstronnary they don't come," said Munseer
+de l'Ail.
+
+"Peraps they're ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de cock,"
+Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was very likely.
+
+Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of
+every nation under the sun. Most of the noblemen were great hamatures of
+hale and porter. The tablecloth was marked over with brown suckles, made
+by the pewter-pots on that and the previous days.
+
+"It is the usage here," wrote Jools to his newspaper, "among the Anglais
+of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and porter during
+their meals. These stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors
+are served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafanaf (so a
+certain sort of beer is called) was placed by the side of most of the
+convives. I was disappointed of seeing Sir Peel: he was engaged to a
+combat of cocks which occurs at Windsor."
+
+Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when the
+gentlemen said "Garsong de l'afanaf," but Jool was very much pleased to
+meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their opinion about the
+reel state of thinx. Was it likely that the bishops were to be turned
+out of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true that Lor Palmerston
+had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the House of Lords, until they were
+sepparayted by the Lor Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn't he Premier
+Minister? and wasn't the Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker? He got
+answers to these questions from the various gents round about during
+the dinner--which, he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only
+dirtier. And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his newspaper.
+
+"The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre. His Grace has his
+dwelling in the City. The Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker,
+as some people stated. Quakers may not marry, nor sit in the Chamber of
+Peers. The minor bishops have seats in the House of Commons, where they
+are attacked by the bitter pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is
+in the house; he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who
+conferred upon him the seat," &c. &c.
+
+His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two Poles,
+a Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen. This being done amidst more
+hafanaf, without which nothink is done in England, and as there was no
+French play that night, he & the two French gents walked round and round
+Lester Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of other French gents who
+were smoaking 2. And they talked about the granjer of France and the
+perfidgusness of England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Madame
+Wharton as Haryadney till bedtime. But befor he slep, he finished
+his letter you may be sure, and called it his "Fust Imprestiuns of
+Anglyterre."
+
+"Mind and wake me early," he said to Boots, the ony Brittish subject in
+the "Hotel de l'Ail," and who therefore didn't understand him. "I wish
+to be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE MEN SELL THEIR WIVES." And the
+young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a one he'd buy.
+
+This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about
+Hengland and the Henglish--walking round and round Lester Squarr all
+day, and every day with the same company, occasionally dewussified by an
+Oprer Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quadrant
+admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools was not over well
+funnisht with pocket-money, and so his pleasure was of the gratis sort
+cheafly.
+
+Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the
+aristoxy under the Quadrant--they were struck all of a heap by
+seeing--But, stop! who WAS Jools's friend? Here you have pictures of
+both--but the Istory of Jools's friend must be kep for another innings.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools de
+Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London--not fur, I say, from
+Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping's Buildings,
+leading to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin's Lane. You know
+Pipping's Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where
+Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver a-cuttin
+the varous jints), and by the little fishmungur's, where you remark
+the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown picklesammon, the playbills, and
+the gingybear bottles in the window--above all, by the "Constantinople"
+Divan, kep by the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of "a
+prime sigaw and an exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d."
+
+The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of Lester
+Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping's Buildings
+without seeing a haf a duzen of 'em on the threshole of the
+extablishment, giving the street an oppertunity of testing the odar
+of the Misses Mordeky's prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable
+inside, settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav'rit
+whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly, or the flagrant
+and arheumatic Qby.
+
+"These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of the
+young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young Pier, after an arjus day at
+the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the
+national beveridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the
+day, or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor."
+
+So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam;
+and of this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of this
+"Constantinople" Divan, he became almost as reglar a frequenter as the
+plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue
+coffee-cups in the winder.
+
+I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the Diwann,
+listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland, and boastin
+of their own immortial country. How they did go on about Wellintun,
+and what an arty contamp they ad for him!--how they used to prove that
+France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample and hadmiration of
+the whole world! And though I scarcely take a French paper now-a-days
+(I lived in early days as groom in a French famly three years, and
+therefore knows the languidg), though, I say, you can't take up Jools's
+paper, the Orriflam, without readin that a minister has committed
+bribery and perjury, or that a littery man has committed perjury and
+murder, or that a Duke has stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some
+story equally horrible; yet for all that it's admiral to see how
+the French gents will swagger--how they will be the scenters of
+civilization--how they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and nothink shall
+prevent 'em--knowing they will have it, I say I listen, smokin my pip in
+silence. But to our tail.
+
+Reglar every evening there came to the "Constantanople" a young gent
+etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the cleanlyness
+of his appearants and linning (which was generally a pink or blew shurt,
+with a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a contrast to the dinjy
+and whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young mann
+had none beyond a little yallow tought to his chin, which you woodn
+notas, only he was always pulling at it. His statue was diminnative,
+but his coschume supubb, for he had the tippiest Jane boots, the
+ivoryheadest canes, the most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most
+Scotch-plaidest trowseys, of any customer of that establishment. He was
+univusaly called Milord.
+
+"Que est ce jeune seigneur? Who is this young hurl who comes knightly
+to the 'Constantanople,' who is so proddigl of his gold (for indeed the
+young gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to the company), and who
+drinks so much gin?" asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the "Hotel
+de l'Ail."
+
+"His name is Lord Yardham," answered that friend. "He never comes here
+but at night--and why?"
+
+"Y?" igsclaimed Jools, istonisht.
+
+"Why? because he is engaygd all day--and do you know where he is engaygd
+all day?"
+
+"Where?" asked Jools.
+
+"At the Foring Office--NOW do you begin to understand?"--Jools trembled.
+
+He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.--"Who IS the head of
+that offis?--Palmerston."
+
+"The nephew of Palmerston!" said Jools, almost in a fit.
+
+"Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French," the other went on. "He
+pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo. Shallow humbug!--I
+have marked him during our conversations.--When we have spoken of the
+glory of France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and his
+perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have discussed before him, the
+Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and Raggybritchovich has shown us
+the next Circassian Campaign, or Sapousne has laid hare the plan of
+the Calabrian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this
+stranger--this Lor Yardham. He smokes, 'tis to conceal his countenance;
+he drinks gin, 'tis to hide his face in the goblet. And be sure, he
+carries every word of our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his
+uncle."
+
+"I will beard him in his den," thought Jools. "I will meet him
+corps-a-corps--the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his nephew, and
+I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier."
+
+When Lor Yardham came to the "Constantanople" that night, Jools i'd
+him savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the same.
+It wasn't much for either to do--neyther being more than 4 foot ten
+hi--Jools was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was
+as brayv as a lion.
+
+"Ah, l'Angleterre, l'Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche," said Jools,
+crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham.
+
+"Wee," said Lord Yardham; "wee."
+
+"Delenda est Carthago!" howled out Jools.
+
+"Oh, wee," said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas of
+ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, "A voternsanty, Munseer:"
+and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools.
+
+A light broak on Jools's mind as he igsepted the refreshmint.
+"Sapoase," he said, "instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the infamous
+Palmerston, I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump him--suppose
+I unveil his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may hear
+the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honor may glitter on my
+bosom."
+
+So axepting Lord Yardham's cortasy, he returned it by ordering another
+glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on the counter,
+where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night. To everything he
+said, the Earl of Yardham answered, "Wee, wee;" except at the end of the
+evening, when he squeeged his & and said, "Bong swore."
+
+"There's nothing like goin amongst 'em to equire the reel
+pronounciation," his lordship said, as he let himself into his lodgings
+with his latch-key. "That was a very eloquent young gent at the
+'Constantinople,' and I'll patronize him."
+
+"Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!" Jools remarked to himself as he went
+to bed in his "Hotel de l'Ail." And they met the next night, and from
+that heavning the young men were continyually together.
+
+Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking,
+and Lord Yardham saying, "Wee, wee," they were struck all of a heap by
+seeing--
+
+But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the nex
+number.
+
+
+III.
+
+THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO.
+
+
+The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum of
+Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind would say)
+never chaumed his i's within a site more lovely, or vu'd a pallis more
+magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew
+Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes the selvery Garonne
+wines, like--like a benevvolent sarpent. In its plasid busum antient
+cassles, picturask willidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple
+hills, crownd with inteak ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle
+greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from
+which the appy and peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden
+waving cornfealds, and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are
+graysinn; while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the
+leisure mominx on his loot--these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the
+rurial felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de
+Viddlers were bawn.
+
+Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor and
+of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and
+Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chamberleng of
+the Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c. &c. &c.--is the
+twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the Tittle; is disended
+lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as antient a paddygree as
+any which the Ollywell Street frends of the Member of Buckinumsheer can
+supply.
+
+His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon, quitted
+this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her lord with the
+two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in whomb, after the loss
+of that angle his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on
+huth. In all his emusemints they ecumpanied him; their edjacation was
+his sole bisniss; he atcheaved it with the assistnce of the ugliest and
+most lernid masters, and the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which
+money could procure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these
+Budds, which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming
+flagrance round his pirentle Busm!
+
+The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and his
+lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their naybrood but was edawned by
+their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern't rendered
+appy. It was a pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk
+were wertuous & tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled drab shoes,
+and beautiful snowy air. All the old women had peaked ats, and crooked
+cains, and chince gowns tucked into the pockits of their quiltid
+petticoats; they sat in pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the
+lads and lassis of the villidges danst under the hellums. O, tis a noble
+sight to whitniss that of an appy pheasantry! Not one of those
+rustic wassals of the Ouse of Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his
+shirt-sheaves tied up with pink ribbing as he led to the macy dance
+some appy country gal, with a black velvit boddice and a redd or yaller
+petticoat, a hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her air!
+
+When the Marcus & ther young ladies came to the villidge it would have
+done the i's of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved 'em! The
+little children scattered calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired
+old men with red faces and rinkles took off their brown paper ats to
+slewt the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a woodn bank painted
+to look like a bower of roses, and when they were sett down danst ballys
+before them. O 'twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint
+with fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses
+with their ploomes, and trains, and little coronicks!
+
+They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls, and had
+no end of pallises, willers, and town and country resadences; but their
+fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of the Island of Fogo.
+
+Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt dixcribe
+the gawjusness of their aboad. They add twenty-four footmen in livery,
+besides a boy in codroys for the knives & shoes. They had nine meels
+aday--Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young
+ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry-cobblers,
+lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to ring the bell and
+call for what they chose. They had two new dresses every day--one to
+ride out in the open carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of
+the Castle of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night
+like Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there ready to dance
+with them, and festif suppers concludid the jawyus night.
+
+Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon
+this happy fammaly. Etached to his Princes and abommanating the ojus
+Lewyphlip, the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the helder
+branch of the Borebones--and what was the consquince?--One night a fleat
+presented itself round the Castle of the Island of Fogo--and skewering
+only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus and the two young ladies
+in disgyise, fled from that island of bliss. And whither fled they?--To
+England!--England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world, where
+the pore slave never setts his foot but he is free!
+
+Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by the
+Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their page
+from Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps
+for the umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his equaintnce,
+Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired.
+
+But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble
+Marcus?--That is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam.
+
+
+
+
+THE STARS AND STRIPES.
+
+THE AUTHOR OR "THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS," "PILOT," ETC
+
+
+I.
+
+
+The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the
+fairest, not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal arm;
+while the children of France were indulging in their infantile hilarity
+in the alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which Niblo's
+garden has been copied in our own Empire city of New York), and playing
+at leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of Provence; gaudy courtiers,
+emlazoned with orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous
+talk in the ears of high-bred beauty.
+
+"Marie, my beloved," said the ruler of France, taking out his watch,
+"'tis time that the Minister of America should be here."
+
+"Your Majesty should know the time," replied Marie Antoinette, archly,
+and in an Austrian accent; "is not my Royal Louis the first watchmaker
+in his empire?"
+
+The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with courtly
+grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment. "My Lord
+Bishop of Autun," said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand Perigord, who
+followed the royal pair, in his quality of arch-chamberlain of the
+empire, "I pray you look through the gardens, and tell his Excellency
+Doctor Franklin that the King waits." The Bishop ran off, with more
+than youthful agility, to seek the United States' Minister. "These
+Republicans," he added, confidentially, and with something of a
+supercilious look, "are but rude courtiers, methinks."
+
+"Nay," interposed the lovely Antoinette, "rude courtiers, Sire, they may
+be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished gentlemen. I have seen
+no grandee of Versailles that has the noble bearing of this American
+envoy and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World, with
+all the simple elegance of the New. Though they have perfect dignity of
+manner, they have an engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled
+by the best of the proud English nobles with whom they wage war. I
+am told they speak their very language with a grace which the haughty
+Islanders who oppress them never attained. They are independent, yet
+never insolent; elegant, yet always respectful; and brave, but not in
+the least boastful."
+
+"What! savages and all, Marie?" exclaimed Louis, laughing, and chucking
+the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin. "But here comes Doctor
+Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him." In fact, as the monarch
+spoke, the Minister of the United States made his appearance, followed
+by a gigantic warrior in the garb of his native woods.
+
+Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even then
+in dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in valor, in
+honesty, in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor nodded to the Queen
+of France, but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and did
+not cease whittling the cane he carried in his hand.
+
+"I was waiting for you, sir," the King said, peevishly, in spite of the
+alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm.
+
+"The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of your
+Majesty's wishes," replied Dr. Franklin. "When I was a poor printer's
+boy and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben
+Franklin; but all other things must yield to the service of the United
+States of North America. I have done. What would you, Sire?" and the
+intrepid republican eyed the monarch with a serene and easy dignity,
+which made the descendant of St. Louis feel ill at ease.
+
+"I wished to--to say farewell to Tatua before his departure," said Louis
+XVI., looking rather awkward. "Approach, Tatua." And the gigantic Indian
+strode up, and stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the French
+nation: again the feeble monarch quailed before the terrible simplicity
+of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval forests.
+
+The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his
+war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock's feather, which had been
+given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe.
+His nose, from which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe
+took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of green and
+orange was drawn round each eye, while serpentine stripes of black,
+white, and vermilion alternately were smeared on his forehead, and
+descended over his cheek-bones to his chin. His manly chest was
+similarly tattooed and painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung
+innumerable bracelets and necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only
+from each skull) from the jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible
+tomahawk at his girdle. His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped
+on his arm and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with
+tufts of hair--the black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet of
+beauty, the red lock from the forehead of the Scottish or the Northern
+soldier, the snowy tress of extreme old age, the flaxen down of
+infancy--all were there, dreadful reminiscences of the chief's triumphs
+in war. The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle, and faced the King.
+
+"And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in '57?" said Louis,
+eying the warrior and his weapon. "'Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I
+could mend it," he added mentally.
+
+"The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth," Tatua said. "Tatua
+was a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm."
+
+"And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!" said the King.
+
+"The English are braves, though their faces are white," replied the
+Indian. "Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other
+wolves caused the foxes to go to earth." A smile played round Dr.
+Franklin's lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever.
+
+"I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere than
+at Quebec," the King said, appealing to the American Envoy: "at Bunker's
+Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave
+Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but that the
+war will finish quickly--yes, yes, it will finish quickly. They will
+teach you discipline, and the way to conquer."
+
+"King Louis of France," said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over
+his head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, "we have learned that from
+the British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I'd have your
+Majesty to know that in the art of whipping the world we have no need
+of any French lessons. If your reglars jine General Washington, 'tis to
+larn from HIM how Britishers are licked; for I'm blest if YU know the
+way yet."
+
+Tatua said, "Ugh," and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine,
+which made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely Antoinette
+flashed fire, but it played round the head of the dauntless American
+Envoy harmless as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away.
+
+The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order
+of the Bath. "Your Excellency wears no honor," the monarch said; "but
+Tatua, who is not a subject, only an ally, of the United States, may.
+Noble Tatua, I appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the
+Bath. Wear this cross upon your breast in memory of Louis of France;"
+and the King held out the decoration to the Chief.
+
+Up to that moment the Chief's countenance had been impassible. No
+look either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim and
+war-painted visage. But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua's face assumed a
+glance of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble.
+
+"I will give it to one of my squaws," he said. "The papooses in my lodge
+will play with it. Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink fire-water;"
+and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony
+upon the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of the walks
+of the garden. Franklin found him when his own interview with the French
+Chief Magistrate was over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief
+was, by the crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his quiet
+way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade.
+
+Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the "Repudiator," was
+sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian might be
+seen standing on the binnacle in conversation with Commodore Bowie, the
+commander of the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went to the
+Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French pale-faces.
+Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety and the crowd of
+cities; the stout mariner's home was in the puttock-shrouds of the old
+"Repudiator." The stern and simple trapper loved the sound of the waters
+better than the jargon of the French of the old country. "I can follow
+the talk of a Pawnee," he said, "or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids
+me to speak, by a Sioux's council-fire and I can patter Canadian
+French with the hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or
+Thichimuchimachy; but from the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour
+on her head, and war-paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty
+Pumpo."
+
+"Amen and amen!" said Tom Coxswain. "There was a woman in our
+aft-scuppers when I went a-whalin in the little 'Grampus'--and Lord love
+you, Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as ever dowsed
+a tarpauling--there was a woman on board the 'Grampus,' who before we'd
+struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, set the whole crew in
+a mutiny. I mind me of her now, Natty,--her eye was sich a piercer that
+you could see to steer by it in a Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out
+like the 'Grampus's' jibboom, and her woice, Lord love you, her woice
+sings in my ears even now:--it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the
+Mate, who was hanged in Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in
+Baffin's Bay;--it set me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each
+other's old timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that
+ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years' pay as I'd stowed away
+for the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only bad
+luck to me, she went and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and
+I've hated women and tailors ever since!" As he spoke, the hardy tar
+dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek, and once more betook
+himself to splice the taffrail.
+
+Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle. The
+gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon the
+enemy's seaboard. The coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have
+still many a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British
+fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terrible "Repudiator."
+She was the first of the mighty American war-ships that have taught the
+domineering Briton to respect the valor of the Republic.
+
+The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the sterner
+tone of the historian, when describing deeds connected with his
+country's triumphs. It is well known that during the two months in which
+she lay off Havre, the "Repudiator" had brought more prizes into that
+port than had ever before been seen in the astonished French waters. Her
+actions with the "Dettingen" and the "Elector" frigates form part of our
+country's history; their defence--it may be said without prejudice to
+national vanity--was worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had
+to encounter; and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which
+presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of
+the combat might have been in favor of the British vessels. It was not
+until the "Elector" blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a
+lucky shot which fell into her caboose, and communicated with the
+powder-magazine, that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on
+board the "Dettingen," which he carried sword in hand. Even when the
+American boarders had made their lodgment on the "Dettingen's" binnacle,
+it is possible that the battle would still have gone against us.
+The British were still seven to one; their carronades, loaded with
+marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which we had possession, and
+decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from the shrouds of the
+"Repudiator" shot Captain Mumford under the star of the Guelphic Order
+which he wore, and the Americans, with a shout, rushed up the companion
+to the quarter-deck, upon the astonished foe. Pike and cutlass did the
+rest of the bloody work. Rumford, the gigantic first-lieutenant of
+the "Dettingen," was cut down by Commodore Bowie's own sword, as they
+engaged hand to hand; and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down the British
+flag, after having slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be to the
+souls of the brave! The combat was honorable alike to the victor and
+the vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior
+depreciated a gallant foe. The bitterness of defeat was enough to the
+haughty islanders who had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining
+the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel must have been
+the pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes rise over the old
+flag of the Union, and the "Dettingen" fall down the river in tow of the
+Republican frigate.
+
+Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring perhaps
+ever imagined by seaman. It is this which has been so wrongly described
+by European annalists, and of which the British until now have
+maintained the most jealous secrecy.
+
+Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended. Our intelligence in that town and
+arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of the troops, the
+forts, and the ships there; and it was determined to strike a blow which
+should shake the British power in its centre.
+
+That a frigate of the size of the "Repudiator" should enter the harbor
+unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the notions of
+even American temerity. But upon the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the
+"Repudiator" sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover
+of which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle
+of Wight. To surprise the Martello Tower and take the feeble garrison
+thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain and a few of his blue-jackets.
+The surprised garrison laid down their arms before him.
+
+It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by Lieutenant
+Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and in another hour
+were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenges of
+the "Thetis" and the "Amphion" frigates, and the "Polyanthus" brig.
+
+There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board the
+Flag-ship lying in the harbor. A banquet had been given in honor of the
+birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of the Guelphs--the
+reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All
+on board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The Flag-ship was
+plunged in a deathlike and drunken sleep. The very officer of the watch
+was intoxicated: he could not see the "Repudiator's" boats as they shot
+swiftly through the waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as
+they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship.
+
+At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the "Royal
+George"--the Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet. The hatches
+were down. The ship was in possession of the "Repudiator's" crew. They
+were busy in her rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of
+the harbor. The well-known heave of the men at the windlass woke up
+Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We know, or rather do not know, the
+result; for who can tell by whom the lower-deck ports of the brave ship
+were opened, and how the haughty prisoners below sunk the ship and its
+conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the Republic!
+
+Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. His tale was told
+to his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its publication;
+and it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it to me, his
+grandson, on his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday.
+
+
+
+
+A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL.
+
+IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST BROWN TO THE EMINENT NOVELIST
+SNOOKS.
+
+
+"CAFE DES AVEUGLES.
+
+"MY DEAR SNOOKS,--I am on the look-out here for materials for original
+comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in the
+course of my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which
+I think will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable
+novel, 'The Mysteries of May Fair,' to an end--(by the way, the scene,
+in the 200th number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit
+Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)--and, of
+course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and we may
+expect that your pen shall not be idle.
+
+"The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the
+French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and, indeed,
+I found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French
+literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the
+invention. He and an advertisement agent fell out about a question of
+money, the affair was brought before the courts, and the little plot so
+got wind. But there is no reason why you should not take the plot and
+act on it yourself. You are a known man; the public relishes your works;
+anything bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses; and
+though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay you handsomely, I make no
+doubt you would like to be rewarded at a still higher figure.
+
+"Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days is
+good for nothing. This one writes with a socialist purpose; that with
+a conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most delicate
+skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a
+Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with Low Church remedies
+to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down unsuspiciously, as
+children do calomel in jelly. Fiction advocates all sorts of truth
+and causes--doesn't the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in
+everything? M. Gonzales's plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear
+Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement novel. Look over The Times
+or the 'Directory,' walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day--see
+what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication with
+their proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your studs, and the tip
+on your chin, I don't know any greater swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into
+the shops, I say, ask for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying,
+'I am the great Snooks; I am the author of the "Mysteries of May Fair;"
+my weekly sale is 281,000; I am about to produce a new work called "The
+Palaces of Pimlico, or the Curse of the Court," describing and lashing
+fearlessly the vices of the aristocracy; this book will have a sale
+of at least 530,000; it will be on every table--in the boudoir of the
+pampered duke, as in the chamber of the honest artisan. The myriads of
+foreigners who are coming to London, and are anxious to know about our
+national manners, will purchase my book, and carry it to their distant
+homes. So, Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how much
+will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel?' You may make
+a noble income in this way, Snooks.
+
+"For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what more
+delightful, than the description of upholstery? As thus:--
+
+"'Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous
+ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes, when
+Lord Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of Tomkins's
+elastic Axminster carpets. "Good heavens, my lord!" she said--and the
+lovely creature fainted. The Earl rushed to the mantel-piece, where he
+saw a flacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and,' &c.
+
+"Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as
+easily, as thus:--
+
+"'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately at
+his wife, 'but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble wants?
+The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or Gobiggin's, but we can get
+our rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's for 20L.' And putting
+on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her husband, the stoker's
+pretty bride tripped gayly to the well-known mart, where Timmonson,
+within his usual affability, was ready to receive them.
+
+"Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. 'Where
+did you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or what you
+please?' said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The
+voluptuous Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So-and-So's.' The answer
+is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your larder in this way.
+Begad, Snooks! I lick my lips at the very idea.
+
+"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a
+word for them! Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington with
+an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple
+but aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the secret. Parvy
+Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent and
+crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don't you see what a
+stroke of business you might do in this way.
+
+"The shoemaker.--Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the
+ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by
+Chevillett of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and
+
+"The hairdresser.--'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said the
+Earl. 'I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has not a single
+gray hair.' Wiggins laughed. 'My good Lord Baldock,' said the old wag,
+'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of Ducroissant's shop, and under his
+valet's arm--ho! ho! ho!'--and the two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count
+passed by, talking with, &c. &c.
+
+"The gunmaker.--'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed before
+his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one of Clicker's
+manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the maker and the
+weapon. "One, two, THREE," cried O'Tool, and the two pistols went off at
+that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Lifeguardsman,' &c.--A
+sentence of this nature from your pen, my dear Snooks, would, I should
+think, bring a case of pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your
+lodgings; and, though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you
+might sell them, you know, and we could make merry with the proceeds.
+
+"If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear
+Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember your
+friend."
+
+
+
+
+THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ.,
+
+WITH HIS LETTERS.
+
+
+A LUCKY SPECULATOR.
+
+
+"Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower circles
+in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which has befallen
+James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family in Berkeley
+Square.
+
+"One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a banker in
+the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said he had saved
+a little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to invest his
+savings to advantage.
+
+"His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, the
+well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, Diddler,
+and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of his
+savings, wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty
+guineas--the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings,
+and perfumery--Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by anything.
+
+"Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN
+RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand
+pounds. He had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from
+a fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley
+Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having instructed
+the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to apply at the
+area-bell.
+
+"Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P.
+by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the
+breakfast which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently invited
+him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss
+Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid the
+lucky gentleman MARKED ATTENTION.
+
+"We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de la
+Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which he has
+started bears the ancient coat of his race.
+
+"He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of
+thirty-three railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the next
+general election on decidedly conservative principles, which have always
+been the politics of his family.
+
+"Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy had
+remarked his high demeanor. Well, 'None but the brave,' say we, 'deserve
+the fair.'"--Morning Paper.
+
+This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been put
+into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, they are
+written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire borrowed the sum
+on which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with sympathy
+at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such artless
+language?
+
+
+If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor
+callous; if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr. Plush
+will do her justice.
+
+     * The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers
+     were first published.
+
+
+     "JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.
+
+           "A HELIGY.
+
+
+          "Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate,
+            Come all ye ladies maids so fair--     Vile I a story
+          vill relate
+            Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square.
+          A tighter lad, it is confest,
+            Neer valked with powder in his air,
+          Or vore a nosegay in his breast,
+            Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+          "O Evns! it vas the best of sights,
+            Behind his Master's coach and pair,
+          To see our Jeames in red plush tights,
+            A driving hoff from Buckley Square.
+          He vel became his hagwilletts,
+            He cocked his at with SUCH a hair;
+          His calves and viskers VAS such pets,
+            That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+          "He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell,
+            And o! I vithered vith despair,
+          Missis VOULD ring the parler bell,
+            And call up Jeames in Buckley Square.
+          Both beer and sperrits he abhord,
+            (Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,)
+          You would have thought he vas a lord
+            Down in our All in Buckley Square.
+
+          "Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann,
+            Ven I've an under'd pound to spare,
+          To take a public is my plan,
+            And leave this hojous Buckley Square.'
+          O how my gentle heart did bound,
+            To think that I his name should bear.
+          'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound;
+            And gev them him in Buckley Square.
+
+          "Our master vas a City gent,
+            His name's in railroads everywhere,
+          And lord, vot lots of letters vent
+            Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square:
+          My Jeames it was the letters took,
+            And read them all, (I think it's fair,)
+          And took a leaf from Master's book,
+            As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square.
+
+          Encouraged with my twenty pound,
+            Of which poor I was unavare,
+          He wrote the Companies all round,
+            And signed hisself from Buckley Square.
+          And how John Porter used to grin,
+            As day by day, share after share,
+          Came railvay letters pouring in,
+            'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.'
+
+          "Our servants' All was in a rage--
+             Scrip, stock,
+          curves, gradients, bull and bear,
+          Vith butler, coachman, groom and page,
+            Vas all the talk in Buckley Square.
+          But O! imagine vot I felt
+            Last Vensday veek as ever were;
+          I gits a letter, which I spelt
+            'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.'
+
+          "He sent me back my money true--
+             He sent me back my lock of air,
+          And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew
+            To Mary Hann and Buckley Square.
+          Think not to marry, foolish Hann,
+            With people who your betters are;
+          James Plush is now a gentleman,
+            And you--a cook in Buckley Square.
+
+          "'I've thirty thousand guineas won,
+            In six short months, by genus rare;
+          You little thought what Jeames was on,
+            Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square.
+          I've thirty thousand guineas net,
+            Powder and plush I scorn to vear;
+          And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget
+            For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'"
+
+*****
+
+The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a flood
+of tears.
+
+
+
+A LETTER FROM "JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE."
+
+
+"ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845.
+
+"SIR,--Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to state
+that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was your abbit
+to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the delligit
+feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have NO IDEER of being
+made the subject of newspaper criticism.
+
+"I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my name
+in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the HINMOST
+PASHSN OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the
+public emusemint.
+
+"What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies of my
+engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their rupsher?
+Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN A DOGGRIL BALLIT
+impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY time at least, Mary Hann
+could only sign her + mark (has I've hoften witnist it for her when she
+paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and
+making POATRY, she was as HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself.
+
+"With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a footman
+in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my affections
+to Mary Hann--a feller not five foot six, and with no more calves to his
+legs than a donkey--who was always a-ritin (having been a doctor's boy)
+and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well recklex) at the
+3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but of me. He has
+signed Miss H's name to his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself
+hopen to a haction for libel for insutting them in your paper.
+
+"It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I
+borrowed 20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. Can hall
+people say as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed? No. And I not
+only paid it back, but giv her the andsomest pres'nts: WHICH I NEVER
+SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO, but for this attack. Fust, a silver thimble
+(which I found in Missus's work-box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems;
+third, I halways brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of
+which she was remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice,
+(and halways a srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT
+ATTENTIONS, which I sapose count for NOTHINK.
+
+"Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable. I
+was gone into a new spear of life--mingling with my native aristoxy.
+I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his a hilliterit
+cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank
+genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i's upon a low-born
+gal, I needn say it's only a tempory distraction, pore passy le tong. So
+much for HER claims upon me. Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR'S BOY he's
+unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman.
+
+"That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow much
+has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and what was
+his cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated Jewdicious,
+and ham what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, and praps you
+haven't)--So may you be: if you choose to go in & win.
+
+"I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a hundred
+instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of hosses
+I bought (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in hany
+curracle,) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my
+transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my
+Dublin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, and I've jest
+sold him at 1/4 discount.
+
+"At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my
+stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a
+confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber--He curls my air; inspex my
+accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my
+TRENT VALLY, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which
+injuiced me to ingage him.
+
+"Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge--I have two
+handsom suvvices for dinner--the goold plate for Sundays, and the silver
+for common use. When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to my man, 'we
+will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else
+the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).' I bought them after realizing on
+the abuf lines, and if people suppose that the companys made me a presnt
+of the plate, how can I help it?
+
+"In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid
+Hexeter!' or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!' HE knows what I
+mean: it's the wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of my
+connexshn with those two railroads.
+
+"So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand
+Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened
+(provisionally) Rosamell--from the French line of which I am Director;
+and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, 'Doctor,' says I
+to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult you because my Midlands are
+out of horder; and I want you to send them up to a premium.' The Doctor
+lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s.
+
+"But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has been
+to CLEAR MY CARRATER--to show that I came by my money in a honrable way:
+that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned it, and ham indeed
+grateful for my good fortune.
+
+"To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I
+don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You
+are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more
+than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; but the primmier
+being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. Consurvative
+though I be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS before the next Election, when I
+intend to hoffer myself as a Candydick for Parlymint.
+
+"Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir,
+
+"Your most obeajnt Survnt,
+
+"FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE."
+
+
+
+THE DIARY.
+
+
+One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office,
+evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He had no
+flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were certainly two days
+old. He had not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his
+great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of
+the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation
+to fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit to adorn himself.
+
+"How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?" said we pleasantly, greeting our esteemed
+contributor.
+
+"Scrip be ----," replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat, and
+a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and walked
+about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers, and
+showing other signs of agitation. At last, "MR. PUNCH," says he, after
+a moment's hesitation, "I wish to speak to you on a pint of businiss.
+I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper. Suckmstances is
+altered with me. I--I--in a word, CAN you lend me --L. for the account?"
+
+He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to mention
+it here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs. Pump and
+Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest fellow's eyes. He
+squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting to a cab,
+he plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the City.
+
+Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open
+pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we took
+an inventory. It contained--three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor's ditto,
+unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six
+thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we take,
+on an average, to be 1/4 discount; and in an old bit of paper tied with
+pink ribbon a lock of chestnut hair, with the initials M. A. H.
+
+In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the
+proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are insignificant:
+as, for instance:--"3rd January--Our beer in the Suvnts' hall so
+PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely MUSS give warning,
+& wood, but for my dear Mary Hann. February 7--That broot Screw, the
+Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary Hann boxt his hold hears, &
+served him right. I DATEST Screw,"--and so forth. Then the diary relates
+to Stock Exchange operations, until we come to the time when, having
+achieved his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and his
+livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman upon town. It
+is from the latter part of his diary that we make the following
+
+
+EXTRAX:--
+
+
+"Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that by
+the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a summ of
+20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann depreshiating
+the qualaty of his own mackyrel?)--wen I enounced my abrup intention
+to cut--you should have sean the sensation among hall the people! Cook
+wanted to know whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or the slise of the
+breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a
+hinsalant hoverbaring beest,) begged me to walk into the Hupper
+Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the
+coachmin, eld out his and, & said, 'Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling
+betwigst you & me, & I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.'
+
+"The sickofnts!--that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper
+ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I'm
+remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him for his
+precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry (he never
+would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs); and in
+regard of Visp--why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest hoffered
+to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused. Gentlemen
+and ladies,' says I, as haughty as may be, 'there's nothink that I
+want for that I can't go for to buy with my hown money, and take at my
+lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh
+myself in the KITCHING.' And so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these
+minnial domestics; and ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back,
+brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries
+for hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames
+Street, and which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks.
+
+"There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious to
+evoid a persnal leave-taking--Mary Hann Oggins, I mean--for my art is
+natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I'd given
+her previous the infamation of my departure--doing the ansom thing by
+her at the same time--paying her back 20 lb., which she'd lent me 6
+months before: and paying her back not only the interest, but I gave
+her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by way of boanus.
+'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions
+in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for has for your marrying a
+person in my rank, that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I wish you a
+good-by, my good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer
+to me.'
+
+"Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable kind),
+but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into somethink
+betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on the kitching
+dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room
+bell. Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & things, & my check
+for 20lb. 10s., on the tabil when she went to hanser the bell. And now
+I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her own room nex but one to mine,
+vith the dore open, peraps expecting I should come in and say good-by.
+But, as soon as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring
+Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting
+permission to take leaf of my lady & the famly before my departure."
+
+*****
+
+"How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what a
+sweet gal she was--hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then she
+hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I
+don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly's his--and has for
+a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a Halbino, and her face looks as if
+it were dipt in a brann mash. How she squeeged my & as she went away!
+
+"Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and hivory,
+and I's as blew as Evin.
+
+"I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb--been resolved to hact
+the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!"
+
+
+"25th.--I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and have
+past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new soots of
+close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise
+me. Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a footman in disguise
+hafter all.'"
+
+
+"28th.--Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a wopper
+at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out 'Bravo,'
+some 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.' 'Bravee, Lablash,' says I, at which
+heverybody laft.
+
+"I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms in
+goold on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold waistcoat and
+dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia
+Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double-barreld opera-glas, so big,
+that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the other cabb.
+
+"What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four gals are
+faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all that they
+can do, and somethink they can't. There's an indiscrible grace about
+her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams.
+
+"Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on the
+fourth tear?
+
+"What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there!
+
+"P.S.--Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per cent
+this very day."
+
+
+"2nd July.--Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me,
+Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion, Honorable
+Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John's carridge there in
+coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I'm obleged to
+get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his. The gettin on
+hossback agin is halways the juice & hall. Just as I was on, Desperation
+begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his
+anches, that I'm blest if I didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at
+which Ballybunnion & the hother chaps rord with lafter.
+
+"As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St. Helena
+direction. We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon Junction,' from
+Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup heagerly."
+
+
+"6th July.--Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh bords
+of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils through
+Snowding and Plinlimming.
+
+"Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd in the
+vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks; Welsh rabbit
+after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he went strummint on
+his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me.
+
+"It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried it,
+and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue i's. Why
+HAM I always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is sasiety, it's lors is
+irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a serving-made. What would
+Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say?
+
+"P.S.--I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money,
+& halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,'
+Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is the
+best in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and seventeen pound
+sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,' Richmond, with the Countess
+St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of French could I
+speak, and in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself halmost
+sick with heating hices and desert, while the hothers were chattering
+and parlyvooing.
+
+"Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we were
+more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-beer
+betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with hall this
+splender!"--
+
+
+"July 24.--My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely and
+chasely furnished--the droring-room with yellow satting and silver for
+the chairs and sophies--hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink velvet
+& goold borders and fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, embroydered
+with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c., as handsome as goold
+can make them, and candle-sticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew.
+
+"The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round igspanding
+table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any number from 8 to
+24--to which it is my wish to restrict my parties. Curtings crimsing
+damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men
+decorats the wall--namely, the Duke of Wellington. There's four of his
+Grace. For I've remarked that if you wish to pass for a man of weight
+and considdration you should holways praise and quote him. I have a
+valluble one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert--has a Field
+Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are
+daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & the
+Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars
+has made me Capting.
+
+"The Libery is not yet done.
+
+"But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see it!
+such a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with Walanseens
+Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored tapers. Goold
+dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold with
+curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by a goold Qpid who
+seems always a smilin angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed on my
+piller hall sarounded with the finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth
+under him, 2 groombs, and a fimmale for the House. I've 7 osses: in cors
+if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment.
+
+"N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.;
+Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the new
+lines in prospick equily incouraging.
+
+"People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us fashnabble
+gents about townd--But I can tell 'em it's not hall goold that
+glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, hour ours of studdy
+and reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la Pluche,
+Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly
+stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into the
+Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover the
+exorcisin ground in the Park,--they little think that leader of the
+tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a careworn mann! and yet so it is.
+
+"Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at double
+quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy.
+
+"First,--in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman reely is,
+I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go through it 4
+times mor.
+
+"I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and & a sure seat
+across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding
+Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've suffered
+from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra.
+
+"Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have been
+surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the apartmince of
+Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my dancing-master.
+From six to nine we have walces and polkies--at nine, 'mangtiang
+& depotment,' as he calls it & the manner of hentering a room,
+complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting yourself at table. At
+nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to a party), I make my bow--my
+master (he's a Marquis in France, and ad misfortins, being connected
+with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me--I hadwance--speak abowt the
+weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cussory manner.
+Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann--we precede to the festive
+bord--complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind,
+addressing your neighbor, employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And
+then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat like
+a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well--soon I shall be able to
+inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr.
+Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of Hancient
+Rum;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself.
+
+"The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins then,
+reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts--Barnits as many as I
+chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form a member. Last
+Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my friends: the display was
+sumptious; the company reshershy. Everything that Dellixy could suggest
+was provided by Gunter. I had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess
+of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be
+called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H---- is the Railway
+King,) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the great
+Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust of
+the fashn. I was in my GLOARY--the dear Countess and Lady Blanche was
+dying with lauffing at my joax and fun--I was keeping the whole table in
+a roar--when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly Fitzwarren,
+my man, henters with an air of constanation. 'Theres somebody at the
+door,' says he in a visper.
+
+"'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of a
+husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this time
+I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)--And so,
+going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing Mr. &
+Mrs. Blodder.
+
+"I turned gashly pail. The table--the guests--the Countiss--Towrouski,
+and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated I's. IT WAS MY
+GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common, and
+he--he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.
+
+"Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But the
+unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, Huncle
+Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm!
+
+"Phansy my feelinx."
+
+
+"Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the room:
+you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. Old Grann
+looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental splender,
+and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the company as
+respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says--'Crikey, Jeames, you've
+got a better birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and
+powder line.' 'Try a few of them plovers hegs, sir,' I says, whishing,
+I'm asheamed to say, that somethink would choke huncle B---; 'and I
+hope, mam, now you've ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment
+won't be out of your way.'
+
+"This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and because
+in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady,
+which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my schooling; she got
+up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & many a lb; and manys
+the time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea. But never
+mind THAT. 'Mam,' says I, 'you must be tired hafter your walk.'
+
+"'Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, & I came in, in THE
+CART.' 'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren, intarupting her. And
+I will say the feller showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt
+momink; for he'd halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full
+of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies.
+
+"'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that sly
+wagg Cinqbars. 'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle hold Lady,
+pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take
+a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to
+horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit
+rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the elth of the
+company, giving a smack with her lipps after she'd emtied the glas,
+which very nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me,
+she didn't igspose herself much farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing
+her to take another glas, I cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old
+Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!'
+and got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another
+word. The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy.
+
+"The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at
+the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, got up
+to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to
+conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it
+stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the footmin in
+peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred apiece;--and there
+stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing,
+Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint
+should come out.
+
+"Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone,
+the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid as
+a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they witnessed the
+sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going
+away with the Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to me and
+said, 'Mr. De la Pluche, you are a much better man than I took you to
+be. Though her Ladyship IS horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take
+gin for breakfast, don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for
+honoring their father & mother.'
+
+"And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all the
+good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a trump
+for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills said she
+should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. But
+it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff.
+
+"There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I muss
+say, I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those fine ladies
+in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one of em can hold a
+candle to Mary Hann.'"
+
+
+"Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they har
+at my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow me out of
+the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I'm worth half a
+millium. The number of lines they're putting me upon is inkumseavable.
+I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire,
+looks splendid in a perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two
+thowsnd.
+
+"How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into Lady
+Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and cries
+out, 'O do make room for that dear creature!' And she complyments me on
+my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit, and
+always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff
+as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as poor as Joab--even he condysends
+to be sivvle to the great De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's,
+lately, in his sollom, pompus way, 'to faver him with five minutes'
+conversation.' I knew what was coming--application for shares--put him
+down on my private list. Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing
+through Bareacres--hoped I'd come down and shoot there.
+
+"I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. 'There, old
+Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a footman.
+There, old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing
+and begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a VERY public place, I take
+my change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs, or slap his padded old
+shoulders. I call him, 'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince. It
+does my art good.
+
+"I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. Lady
+Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her right, of
+course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in
+my fassanating way--full of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy
+plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked me to drink
+shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw Charles Wackles (with
+womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers' house) grinning over his
+shoulder at the butler.
+
+"The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the hall, he
+came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish visper. 'Just
+come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for you, my old boy.' So
+I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I was
+going to give him a sovaring.
+
+"'I think you said "Jeames," Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at
+dinner?'
+
+"'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.'
+
+"'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just one on
+the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd been shot.
+And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning
+scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb."
+
+
+"Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, Earl
+Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self & that
+noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of
+about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the
+cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a pickewlear
+fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather, and other
+hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting in the places where
+the rox and stones don't prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable
+fine, and the land is also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges--much
+more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset or any of that rubbishing
+sort of timber: indeed the sile is of that fine natur, that timber
+refuses to grow there altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this
+land (the igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares)--a very handsom price
+for land which never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient
+to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which
+he had given them. James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust
+time a landed propriator--or rayther, I should say, is about to reshume
+the rank & dignity in the country which his Hancestors so long occupied.
+
+"I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the Squallop
+Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered on the North
+by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby Growler; on the
+South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a young feller of great
+emagination, womb we have employed to make a survey of the Great
+Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton
+Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is
+reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and
+circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with boatsful
+of nobillaty and musitions floting on its placid sufface--and a curricle
+is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or
+perhaps Lady Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going
+to form a noble kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my
+family once more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some
+sentries separated us. I have dreams of that sort.
+
+"I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL, standing
+in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with a serting
+butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames and
+lady Hangelina de la Pluche! Ho! what will the old washywoman, my
+grandmother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and shall too by my
+honor as a Gent."
+
+
+"As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to give
+5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer in
+vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don't Squallop lie
+amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End,
+through which cities our line passes? I will have 400,000 lb. for that
+mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little barging too
+for my friend the Erl. The line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre
+Park. He shall have a good compensation I promis you; and then I shall
+get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a
+horrid state."
+
+
+[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no
+interest to the public:--Memoranda of City dinners--meetings of
+Directors--fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and
+nearly always by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose
+"pompossaty," as previously described, seems to have almost entirely
+subsided.]
+
+
+We then come to the following:--
+
+
+"With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett the
+following news:--
+
+"'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of Diddlesex.
+
+"'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'"
+
+
+"'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.
+
+"'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice Blowhard,
+promoted."'
+
+
+"And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator--a Deppaty Leftnant--a
+Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my
+country's defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and me at the head of
+my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd extonish 'em! How the
+gals will stare when they see me in youniform! How Mary Hann would--but
+nonsince! I'm halways thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's.
+She couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's
+got a good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss,
+or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my
+granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on
+Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she's sent it
+back, sealed with a thimbill."
+
+
+Tuesday.--Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B----, rellatiff to my
+presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that hospicious
+seramony:--
+
+
+"'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,--I THINK you had better be presented as a
+Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know what the
+uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince
+of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray jackets, leathers,
+red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with leopard-skin
+and a white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of eighteen inches. That
+dress will hardly answer at present, and must be modified, of coarse. We
+were called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly
+recommend the Deputy Lieutenant.
+
+"'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-room.
+Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, who will be
+presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to
+make your acquaintance.
+
+"'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake, my
+dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige
+
+"'Yours, very gratefully,
+
+"'BAREACRES.'
+
+
+"Note.--Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M for
+the cavvlery."
+
+
+"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that
+month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my gracious
+Sovarink.
+
+"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my busm
+was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them thinking
+of the great ewent--or if igsosted natur DID clothes my highlids--the
+eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls,
+presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my dreembs
+unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never surely igseeded
+that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I actially dremt that Her
+R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit
+Counsel to detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on me or the Prins
+of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or Germing zion of
+nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious ideer.
+
+"I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented
+to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The
+Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like
+the--the--livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear before
+entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of wearing one. My
+detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry Cavilry Hoffiser, in
+the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas.
+
+"Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself quite
+hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as shuited the
+presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig-tales was out of the
+question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. My legg is praps the finist
+pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle.
+
+"I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have seen
+Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go
+there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have
+myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.
+
+"Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold tassels as
+bigg as belpulls.
+
+"Jackit--French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according to the
+old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & settin hoff the
+cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY.
+
+"A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus
+steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered pocket
+ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, without vannaty, was, I
+flatter myself, UNEAK.
+
+"But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. The
+huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet &
+Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery Brittn;
+an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins; an At
+which VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane etempted to run down. I
+chose the HALBERT AT. I didn't tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of
+loilty, intending to SURPRISE him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex
+Yomingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a
+shaving-brush.
+
+"You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect to
+practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say.
+
+"This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made
+Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord
+in Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair
+to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my secknd man,
+standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort.
+Hall the Candles were lighted. 'Captain de la Pluche, presented by Herl
+Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins
+to the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty
+towards the British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus
+Simiter WOULD git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery
+disagreeble)--rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but
+respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated backards
+out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym
+the night before my presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with
+the sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night. By abowt six o'clock in the
+morning I was drest in my full uniform; and I didnt know how to pass the
+interveaning hours.
+
+"'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. 'It will rejoice
+that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in life. Has I
+ave read in the novle of "Kennleworth," that the Herl goes down in Cort
+dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down in all my splender and
+astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.' To make this detummination;
+to horder my Broom; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to
+bring it; was with me the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a
+cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing.
+
+"I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with the
+cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed through
+the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy
+ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the
+apartmint.
+
+"There was a smell of tea there--there's always a smell of tea
+there--the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her; but
+ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann!
+
+"I halmost faintid with himotion. 'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to me
+subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did when you
+arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were
+diwine!'
+
+"R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions in
+the groce carriketure he's made of me."*
+
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+*****
+
+"Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my hentrance to
+St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish Hambasdor himself was
+not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out.
+
+"As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved
+to come to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as a
+charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which
+I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it,) and
+2 fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up St.
+Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hadycongs--the people huzzaying--the gals
+waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins--hall the winders
+crowdid to see me pass.
+
+"The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came, for
+the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with presented
+harms.
+
+"What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from Desperation.
+I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I
+past into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs.
+
+"You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the
+suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one
+who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our reckonized
+instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying round
+my Thrown.
+
+"Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,--when I sor on
+the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to admire
+womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased with an
+imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe--my trembling knees halmost
+rifused their hoffis--I reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting
+in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd to be
+standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him,
+igspecially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall
+say nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT
+HE ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I introjuiced
+myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps
+ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy.
+
+"But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had the
+inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, that
+Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht Lady
+Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey
+de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in the
+Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T.,
+Lord Leftnant of the County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was
+with her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never
+lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty
+the Lady Hangelina was the fairest Star--in that reath of Loveliness
+the sweetest Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been
+senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge disappeared
+in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of Hangelina.
+
+"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow--a grand and hawfle pusnage
+her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge
+phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly
+bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so delighted to make
+your acquaintance. I have often heard of you.'
+
+"'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the fair
+Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!' (For you see I've not
+studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces,
+without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.)
+
+"'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY old
+friend of yours.'
+
+"'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty--
+
+"'Hoggins--Mary Ann Hoggins'--ansurred my lady (laffing phit to splitt
+her little sides). 'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I'm afraid you
+are a very sad, sad person.'
+
+"'A mere baggytell,' says I. 'In fommer days I WAS equainted with that
+young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for hever,
+and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.'
+
+"'Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all dying to
+know."
+
+"'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,' says I,
+looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations
+of my smile.
+
+"'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes
+standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of the Countess of
+Bareacres' train?'--'Never mind Mamma's train' (said Lady Hangelina):
+'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all our
+fortunes--yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me present you to Captain
+George Silvertop,'--The Capting bent just one jint of his back very
+slitely; I retund his stare with equill hottiness. 'Go and see for Lady
+Bareacres' carridge, George,' says his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a
+cousin of ours--a poor relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when
+he came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems
+a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting."
+
+
+"Thusday Night.--O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments
+daily! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia
+Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in
+her raving Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what was my
+sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with
+my glas!
+
+"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however--would scarcely speek;
+although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it
+was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the box. As if he
+didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) that
+people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty."
+
+
+"Friday.--I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the
+folloring lines--there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that she's fond
+of. I edapted them to that mellady.
+
+"She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the
+pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick; said I
+sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); and, on her
+rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my pom:
+
+          "'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS.
+
+          "'When moonlike ore the hazure seas
+             In soft effulgence swells,
+            When silver jews and balmy breaze
+             Bend down the Lily's bells;
+            When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
+             Has lapt your soal in dreems,
+            R Hangeline!  R lady mine!
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+          "'I mark thee in the Marble All,
+             Where Englands loveliest shine--
+            I say the fairest of them hall
+             Is Lady Hangeline.
+            My soul, in desolate eclipse,
+             With recollection teems--
+            And then I hask, with weeping lips
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+          "'Away! I may not tell thee hall
+             This soughring heart endures--
+            There is a lonely sperrit-call
+             That Sorrow never cures;
+            There is a little, little Star,
+             That still above me beams;
+            It is the Star of Hope--but ar!
+             Dost thou remember Jeames?'
+
+
+"When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I threw
+such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at the hend,
+that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium
+seized her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard
+her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor.
+
+"O Hangelina--My adord one, My Arts joy!" . . .
+
+
+"BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet Southdown, B's
+eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting (who seems to
+git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have beene down into
+Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there.
+
+"Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent
+boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the
+Edges with a pistle)--I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot,
+and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery,
+which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded in itting the
+hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker's 'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns
+at Mantings, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most
+gawjus and ellygant sportting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold
+cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered
+satting, a weskit of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter
+tartn, (with large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses,
+and sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes,
+was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff
+my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal
+istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with
+Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my
+dressing-case and close.
+
+"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad
+Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk of
+the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst
+'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where
+I made a speech droring tears from heavery i. It was in compliment to a
+layborer who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years
+on the istate on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my
+station. I shook hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told
+him that the purshuit of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of
+humannaty: I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of
+my hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a
+pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket,
+as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brought
+them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down defning chears
+selewted the horator; the band struck up 'The Good Old English
+Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina waived her
+ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in the distans that pore Mary Hann
+efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints."
+
+
+"What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady Hangelina's
+company! Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded gownds and retired
+caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her which is puffickly
+admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss,
+creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . . Shor! I MUSTN'T give way
+to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me
+but a mear recklection--a vishn of former ears?
+
+"I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. I
+met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a
+melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was
+eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient demean.
+
+"'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I--'A penny for your Ladyship's
+thought,' says I.
+
+"'Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice, with
+a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 'YOU know what my thoughts are,
+well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us
+were poo--poo--oor,' says Mary Hann, busting out in a phit of crying, a
+thing I can't ebide. I took her and tried to cumft her: I pinted out
+the diffrents of our sitawashns; igsplained to her that proppaty has
+its jewties as well as its previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to
+marry into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going
+hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up--'The real Siming
+Pewer,' as they say in the play.
+
+"There they stood together--them two young women. I don't know which is
+the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt help comparing
+myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found it difficklt to
+make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A."
+
+
+"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren--my oan man--a feller I've maid
+a fortune for--a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!--a low bred
+Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and treating
+me to his imperence.
+
+"He's a great big athlatic feller--six foot i, with a pair of black
+whiskers like air-brushes--with a look of a Colonel in the harmy--a
+dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome
+from shuiting this hafternoon--and passing through Lady Hangelina's
+flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann
+pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to her?
+
+"'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money. We'll
+take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a purse-proud
+ungrateful fellow like Jeames--who's such a snob ('such a SNOB' was his
+very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him--who's the laughing stock
+of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too--try a MAN,' says
+he--'don't be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.'
+
+"Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust out a
+laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and intarupt this
+polite convasation.
+
+"I was in such a rayge. 'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to the
+young woman--and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to remain.'
+
+"'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller--all the
+colors of the ranebo.
+
+"'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I.
+
+"'It's not your livery,' says he.
+
+"'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I,
+unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. 'Take my jackit,
+Joe,' says I to the boy,--and put myself in a hattitude about which
+there was NO MISTAYK.
+
+*****
+
+"He's 2 stone heavier than me--and knows the use of his ands as well
+as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb can't stand
+before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, I've little doubt,
+but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had more than 2
+rounds.
+
+"I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm writing
+this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to dinner on
+account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and disfiggrs me
+dreadfl."
+
+
+"On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter
+with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with
+the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form
+an agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard
+pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable; and
+(has the Poick well observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the Fare')
+I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory
+disfiggarment.
+
+"It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my
+phisticoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis: but
+of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting
+Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley.
+
+"Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits
+during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me messidges by
+her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was always
+sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin
+hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship would perscribe--then,
+agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses,
+pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina
+could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear
+mothers! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or
+to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give
+a man! You'd have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi),
+that I couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies,
+and blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I
+ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the
+kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, and
+sacrafised myself for her dear sayk.
+
+"I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and his
+son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, and hoped
+soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland.
+
+"'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent father.
+'You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and those of my
+Lady Bareacres; but I am not--not quite certain about Lady Angelina's
+feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of
+prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able to make Angelina
+understand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate
+about love and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than
+theirs know how to estimate.'
+
+"'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out at
+this outrayjus ideer.
+
+"'She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,--your
+admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father's
+wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our family.'
+
+"'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,--'a barging's a barging--I'll
+pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother. As a STRAYNGER'--(this
+I said in a sarcastickle toan)--'I wouldn't take such a LIBBATY. When
+I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of your estayt. I'll make your
+incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the ouse of Bareacres to
+its herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting
+bisniss imployed by Jeames De la Pluche, Esquire.'
+
+"And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest
+scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my
+shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral
+thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize
+till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to found a new family of
+Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country.
+
+"These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. 'If
+you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have married
+you: and why don't I? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a marter to
+dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.'
+
+"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and Lady
+Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 'What a plucky fellow you were,
+Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I liked), 'in
+your fight with Fitzwarren--to engage a man of twice your strength
+and science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this is an etroashous
+folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 minnits), 'for the sake of
+poor Mary Hann! That's a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to
+eminence like you, having his heart in the right place. When is to be
+the marriage, my boy?'
+
+"'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a
+precious sight more than you;'--and I gev him to understand I didn't
+want him to put in HIS ore--I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, I prommis
+you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am as brayv as Bonypert,
+Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well as any Evy
+drigoon of 'em all.
+
+"Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. 'Mr. De la
+Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? You can't suppose that you
+will be happy with a person like me?'
+
+"'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I. 'Never, never go to say any such
+thing.'
+
+"'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep your
+eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you
+begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you don't marry
+her, and perhaps some one else's--but you don't mind THAT.'
+
+"'Break yours, you adoarible creature! I'd die first! And as for Mary
+Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy. Once for
+all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a pang to part
+with her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), 'but part from her
+I must.'
+
+"It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina, that
+melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml--yet
+she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all.
+
+"'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up Josephine.
+What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!'
+
+"'It does,' says I--'Hagnies!' (Another laff.)
+
+"'And if--if I don't accept you--you will invade the States of the
+Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion of
+peace between you!'
+
+"'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors your
+Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers morgidged; that
+if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old pawper; that he
+owes me a lot of money; and that I'm the man that can sell him up hoss
+& foot; or set him up agen--THAT'S what I know, Lady Hangelina,' says
+I, with a hair as much as to say, 'Put THAT in your ladyship's pipe and
+smoke it.'
+
+"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced--
+
+"'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--We hear that a matrimonial union is on the
+tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the Railway
+World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated
+in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.'"
+
+
+"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the fealinx
+of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by the hideer of
+my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the
+fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to give me hup, for we
+Gents are creechers of vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit
+secks; and betwigst you and me there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht
+that I'd been borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have
+permitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd
+to be appy with ony one.
+
+"Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my defianced
+bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery the great
+Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a gent of my
+qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning Erald--no, no, I'm
+not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit infamation) an account of my
+famly, my harms and pedigry.
+
+"I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my arms
+and my adord wife's was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks of me and
+her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to be the
+gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man of fashn
+wasn't compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis
+I presented to Hangelina. It's not considered flattring--and though SHE
+parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young
+lady (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her
+hi.
+
+"Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about
+a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by Maryhann,
+though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it & pressing it to
+her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't got your angellick
+smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.'
+
+"Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her
+mamma, though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the 'Book of
+Bewty' the same year.
+
+"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her--but
+the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted in a gitar
+supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and her brother
+Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering
+stanzys about her:--
+
+     "LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT.
+
+     "BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN.
+
+     "The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
+     Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
+     I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er,
+     I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
+     I stood upon the donjon keep--it is a sacred place,--Where
+          floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race;
+     Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
+     There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield.
+
+     "The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck,
+     On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
+     A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray--St.
+          Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day!
+     O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
+     A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince!
+     At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
+     The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears!
+
+     "'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing:
+     O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing!
+     Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
+     And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus!
+     O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear
+     Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
+     I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
+     And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side!
+
+     "Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
+     Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line:
+     Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
+     The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
+     Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile,
+     'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile.
+     I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
+     I'll muse on other days, and wish--and wish I were.--A SNOB."
+
+"All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle. They're
+always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps; but
+the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his cuttin hoff his
+'strong right hand,' is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit
+hi,--as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a gal; and though he
+may have the art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I'd back my smallest
+cab-boy to lick him,--that is, if I AD a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is
+over.
+
+"Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges
+of the Istry of my life!"
+
+
+"My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn,
+prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though
+mounted on the haypix of Good Luck--feasting hall the great (like the
+Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and
+igsample through life), but not forgitting the small--No, my beayvior to
+my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what
+the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up
+her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a new shoot of close, which he
+ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much to the estonishment of my Snyder
+there, namely an olliffgreen velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a
+crimsn plush weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in
+my disposishn I never should have eluded to, but to show that I am
+naturally of a noble sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which
+is equel to either good or bad forting.
+
+"What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was
+prepayred for my marridge--the consent of the parents of my Hangelina
+was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to
+Himing's halter--the trooso was hordered--the wedding dressis were being
+phitted hon--a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn reddy by
+Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there was such an account for Shantilly
+and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the
+Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls
+I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away--no not by Hiss
+Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind
+shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. The
+honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was
+in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my
+town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-Markit
+which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of
+the misrable Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was
+restored to its elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was
+20 primmium at 2 or 3: and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally,
+had bought very largely for the two or three new accounts.
+
+"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders
+for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their accounts. I am
+the soal of onour--but no gent can pay when he has no money--it's not MY
+fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred yards
+of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the largist
+Injar Shawls--it's not MY fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods
+back, and that Lady B. declared they were LOST. I began the world afresh
+with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing
+nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though beat,
+with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin.
+
+"Well--it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The 'Ringdove'
+steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle apartmince
+had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare--the
+very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in Ill Street, and the
+Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had
+arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were full of it. Crowds
+of the fashnable world went to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges
+in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting,
+and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet
+ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and Mary
+Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our match, this
+worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and joakt, and
+enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly.
+
+"I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before--aving a multachewd
+of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts to settle:
+atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in horder: my sleap
+was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be
+hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: tride on my wedding close,
+and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly.
+
+"One thing distubbed my mind--two weskts had been sent home. A
+blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet imbridered
+in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated
+and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street and
+cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and
+wear whichever SHE phixt on.
+
+"There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street:
+which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared
+meost uncommon when I kem in--the footman who was to enounce me laft I
+thought--I was going up stairs--
+
+"'Her ladyship's not--not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's hill in
+bed.'
+
+"'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.'
+
+"At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out
+like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the porter jined
+in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, slapping his and on his
+thy, without the least respect--I say, Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good
+un?'
+
+"'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and laffing at
+me?'
+
+"'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'--and
+indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs--her &s
+in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look hod &
+then to grin too.
+
+"'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring
+him fit to throttle him--'no raskle of a flunky shall insult ME,' and
+I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of 'em into the
+hall-chair with a flopp--when Mary Hann, jumping down, says, 'O James! O
+Mr. Plush! read this'--and she pulled out a billy doo.
+
+"I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina."
+
+
+"Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:--
+
+"'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished pretensions
+which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; and have spared me
+the painful necessity of the step which I am compelled to take. For
+a long time I could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to
+sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot
+undergo the shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last
+hour I remonstrated in vain, and only now anticipate by a few hours, my
+departure from a home from which they themselves were about to expel me.
+
+"'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you
+are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed
+of the step I have taken. And I have my own honor to consult, even
+before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before
+long.
+
+"'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite
+feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. She admires you
+as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you
+to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try--for the sake of your
+sincere friend and admirer, A.
+
+"'P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds are
+beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.'
+
+"This was hall!--Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, and
+that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! 'Who has
+she gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just
+touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with the
+noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then!
+
+"I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement!
+
+"The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is from the
+Morning Tatler newspaper:--
+
+
+"ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE.
+
+"THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT.
+
+"The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world,
+has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event
+which has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and affliction.
+
+"It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a
+marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl,
+and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been
+the theme of general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was supposed, in all
+human probability would have contained an account of the marriage of
+James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina ----, daughter of
+the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The preparations for this
+ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich
+trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall); the magnificent
+jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant
+marriage cake, which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not
+destined to be eaten by the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb
+carriages, and magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style
+of the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord
+Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials,
+and is staying at Mivart's. What must have been the feelings of that
+venerable prelate, what those of the agonized and noble parents of
+the Lady Angelina--when it was discovered, on the day previous to
+the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal mansion! To the
+venerable Bishop the news of his noble niece's departure might have been
+fatal: we have it from the waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was
+about to indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news was
+brought to him; immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann,
+the celebrated surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond
+Street at the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved
+the exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace,
+Bullocksmithy, tomorrow.
+
+"The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres can
+be imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to
+disturb--impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our
+reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion in
+Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable
+Countess. They have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but
+pardon. One was threatened with a cane; another, in the pursuit of his
+official inquiries, was saluted with a pail of water; a third gentleman
+was menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship's porter; but being
+of an Irish nation, a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of
+Trinity College, Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment confronted
+the menial, and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring
+hotel much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and
+there obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of
+this extraordinary occurrence.
+
+"George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of Lord
+Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:--Lady Angelina had been
+promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide
+that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall. Previous
+to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At
+that period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living
+in the quality of ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P.
+was employed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady
+Angelina--the elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss
+Hoggins who delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of
+his loss.
+
+"Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres, was
+ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a cabriolet from
+the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. 19,796, driven
+by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clonakilty, in the
+neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, according
+to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with his vehicle.
+His young lady, accompanied by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying
+a band-box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what
+were the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain.
+On asking her Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any
+particular direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the
+eminent milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he
+should accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss
+Hoggins to go about his business.
+
+"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab
+19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with no
+small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln's Inn Fields,
+where he lives with his family of nine children. Having received two
+sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his regular fare, by the
+way, would have been only one-and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out
+with the cab for the two last days, passing them in a state of almost
+ceaseless intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer to
+the queries of our reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a
+compatriot, it is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy
+the curiosity of the public.
+
+"At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A
+GENTLEMAN entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER gentleman
+(meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray trousers, and black
+hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE EUSTON SQUARE STATION,
+and there left them. How he employed his time subsequently we have
+stated.
+
+"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment
+learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman
+answering the above description had taken places to Derby. We have
+despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and
+shall give his report in a second edition.
+
+
+"SECOND EDITION.
+
+"(From our Reporter.)
+
+"NEWCASTLE, Monday.
+
+"I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and Cucumber
+Hotel.' A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS. JONES, the
+gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box,
+arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to
+SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot,
+as they are putting to.
+
+
+"THIRD EDITION.
+
+"GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening.
+
+"The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o'clock, the
+Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between
+George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third
+son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and Lady
+Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the present Earl of
+Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina
+Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl
+Bareacres.
+
+
+(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book
+of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be
+repeated here.)
+
+
+"After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment
+of sherry and water--the former the Captain pronounced to be execrable;
+and, having myself tasted some glasses from the VERY SAME BOTTLE with
+which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the
+Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the 'Bagpipes Hotel and
+Posting-House,' whence they instantly proceeded. I follow them as soon
+as the horses have fed.
+
+
+"FOURTH EDITION.
+
+"SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER.
+
+"WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight.
+
+"I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the
+newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace, reached
+Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the 'Cairngorm
+Arms'--mine is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of Whistlebinkie.'
+
+"On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of military
+appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in smoking
+a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the
+gentleman in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my boy? You have
+come too late; unless you are come to have some supper;' or words to
+that effect. I explained that I was not the Lord Viscount Southdown,
+and politely apprised Captain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the
+individual before me could be no other) of his mistake.
+
+"'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you, then?'
+said Mr. Silvertop. 'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's attorneys?
+If you are, you have come too late for the fair.'
+
+"I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my name
+was J--ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the establishment
+of the Morning Tatler newspaper.
+
+"'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked
+my interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank--that the
+disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused
+the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were
+anxious to give the public every particular regarding an event so
+singular.
+
+"'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from
+London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the readers
+of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ----(the Captain
+here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you too,
+sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.'
+
+"'Scoundrel, sir!' said I. 'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, seizing
+me rudely by the collar--and he would have choked me, but that my blue
+satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of
+this GENTLEMAN. 'Help, landlord!' I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe,
+'murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to
+the crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable; they and the
+unfeeling post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, 'Give it
+him, Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have
+had the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general
+and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and
+said, 'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap,
+Jims, and order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense--and mind I
+don't see your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it
+is.'
+
+"With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr.
+Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of
+his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I make them
+known that they may call down the indignation of the body of which I am
+a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman
+shamefully assaulted and insulted in the discharge of a public duty."
+
+
+"Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of my
+busm, and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou
+be appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink
+on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your be1/2!
+
+"I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of
+Hangelina's departur. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the
+fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, they were
+married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl
+Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er
+who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I never from that
+momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back--with
+the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship
+COODN'T FIND. Ony it was whispered that at the nex buthday she was seen
+with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN. Let er keep it.
+
+"Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me
+adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister--but I
+wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh--there was no more money for
+THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a
+poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Assombly.
+
+"All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers,
+hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills,
+haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss
+didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack'd
+my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night
+I follered Hangelinar in imadganation along the North Road. I wented
+cusses & mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in
+my unhuttarable whoe! I seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it,
+strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint
+grasp; and taw the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible
+strenth of my despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of
+that night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning,
+the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De la
+Pluche!
+
+"'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. I had
+not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged elseware.
+Hevns & huth!--what was it I red there? What was it that made me spring
+outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?--I red Rewin in that
+Share-list--the Pannick was in full hoparation!
+
+*****
+
+"Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is familliar?
+My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding
+art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of
+twenty-three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at
+least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas
+quotid at 14 pm, were down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at
+3/8 discount; my Table Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my
+Bathershins and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account
+at 17 primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central
+Oregons, prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be
+alive to write my own tail!"
+
+(Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad
+calculations, which we pretermit.)
+
+"Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me
+a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-sixpence:
+woodn't advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of scrip; kep me
+waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and then sent out
+Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't discount my paper,
+and implawed me to clothes my account. I did: I paid the three-and-six
+balliance, and never sor 'em mor.
+
+"The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies,
+Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They
+beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn
+keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and
+Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off
+every stick of my furniture. 'Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.'
+What an adwertisement George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was
+collected to laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller
+of wine; my picturs--that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless
+her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all--all went to the ammer. That
+brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on the
+sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into suvvis aginn.'
+
+"I DID go into suvvis--the wust of all suvvices--I went into the Queen's
+Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial weeks.
+Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble altogether; there was sunlike
+in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to drive
+hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat old
+lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has
+an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann!
+'Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann
+said. Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral:
+but I didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed man.
+Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out! I'd thirteen
+shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned
+the mangle for three weeks; and then Uncle Bill said, 'Well, there IS
+some good in the feller;' and it was agreed that we should marry."
+
+The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw the
+accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are
+happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one.
+
+The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of
+Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop.
+Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable
+prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had
+been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he married
+three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface,
+Bullocksmithy.
+
+The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing
+a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop
+fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his
+accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable
+form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand;
+but life was extinct: and surgical aid was therefore not particularly
+useful.
+
+All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man
+increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in during
+his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds--divided
+between his nephew and niece--not a greater sum than has been left by
+several deceased Irish prelates.
+
+What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon to
+state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which
+does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina
+Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and affectionate
+servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. James Plush, to whom
+her Ladyship also made a handsome present--namely, the lease, good-will,
+and fixtures of the "Wheel of Fortune" public-house, near Shepherd's
+Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by all the nobility's
+footmen, doing a genteel stroke of business in the neighborhood, and
+where, as we have heard, the "Butlers' Club" is held.
+
+Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife:
+reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a
+higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates
+himself to an apron with perfect good humor. A gentleman connected with
+this establishment dined at the "Wheel of Fortune" the other day, and
+collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he brought
+in the first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of
+excellent port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he
+said--that a witless version of his adventures had been produced at
+the Princess's theatre, "without with your leaf or by your leaf," as
+he expressed it. "Has for the rest," the worthy fellow said, "I'm
+appy--praps betwixt you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass
+of beer or port (with your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much
+as my clarrit in my prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely
+to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary Hann,
+he's a beest: and when a christening takes place in our famly, will you
+give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be godfather."
+
+
+
+LETTERS OF JEAMES.
+
+
+JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS.
+
+
+"Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety the
+follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an olesome
+warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents.
+
+"Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable cludgyman
+in the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel T----, of the
+Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young man was sent to
+Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very nearly
+being Senior Rangler. He came to London to study for the lor. His
+prospix was bright indead; and he lived in a secknd flore in Jerming
+Street, having a ginteal inkum of two hundred lbs. per hannum.
+
+"With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted for
+nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young man, who
+took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots; cleaned his
+kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to dine out,
+took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club--where (unless
+somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed his alf-pint of
+Marsally Wine.
+
+"Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the
+world. Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long
+befor sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; one,
+ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of the
+Heast-Injar Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal of all the
+season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His haspirations were
+on the pint of being crowndid with success; and it was agreed that as
+soon as he was called to the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a
+Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord Chanslor, he should lead her to
+the halter.
+
+"What life could be more desirable than Frederick's? He gave up his
+mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent pleader;
+he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb, or with his
+hadord Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies; he never
+was known to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip-top friends lent it
+him; to go to a theayter unless he got a horder; or to henter a tavern
+or smoke a cigar. If prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that
+young man.
+
+"But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick Timmins.
+The Railway Hoperations began.
+
+"For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations
+of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took no
+note of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution which
+with hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they began to be
+talked of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford and Cambridge
+Clubb, fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared
+four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his
+proppaty gambling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who
+had won it, had won a small istate besides by lucky specklations in the
+Share Markit.
+
+"HEVERY BODY WON. 'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having saved
+100 lb., he began a writin for shares--using, like an ickonominicle
+feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious igstent. All the
+Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to shares--the allottments
+came tumbling in--he took the primmiums by fifties and hundreds a day.
+His desk was cramd full of bank notes: his brane world with igsitement.
+
+"He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day about
+Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole talk was
+of railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled full of
+prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle, to say he
+feared he was neglectin his bisniss.
+
+"Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous habits.
+He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to Greenwich
+or Richmond. He didn't see his Hemily near so often: although the
+hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so much more heasily
+now than before: for now he kep a Broom!
+
+"But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred's was approachin: in an
+evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning to all
+young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on them in a moral
+pint of vu!
+
+"You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican
+Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal)
+Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit ninepence per
+share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or
+four healthy niggers, African currency)--the shares of this helegeble
+investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy man was Fred when,
+after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he sold his shares for
+250L. He gave a dinner at the 'Star and Garter' that very day. I promise
+you there was no Marsally THERE.
+
+"Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose to 5,
+he was in a fewry. 'What an ass I was to sell,' said he, 'when all this
+money was to be won!'
+
+"'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw,
+K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass. My dear fellow,
+the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word of
+honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?'
+
+"'Honor bright,' says Fred.
+
+"'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.' Fred didn't say a word more, but went
+tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of the
+streets. Claw WENT BY WATER.
+
+"'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting into
+his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.
+
+*****
+
+"Can't you guess the rest? Haven't you seen the Share List? which
+says:--
+
+"'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.'
+
+"And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging.
+
+"What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since. His
+lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain deplores his
+absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his housekeeper; and
+the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in the
+fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High Life.--The rich and beautiful
+Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, is to be speedily united to
+Colonel Claw, K.X.R.'
+
+"JEAMES."
+
+
+JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.
+
+"You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the haltered
+linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble mislny were
+once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated
+in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the
+'Wheel of Fortune' public house. Yes, that is me; that is my haypun
+which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the checkers which
+hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin Genral, St.
+Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang
+in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of Small Bier. As for my
+wife--that Angel--I've not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in
+the Bar, smiling like a sunflower and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing
+a deer little darlint totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and
+my i's to a T!
+
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+"I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but a
+Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with all my
+sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys
+as to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and scorn artily. But as
+a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my jewty compels me to
+come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the
+break of Gage.
+
+"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very nearly
+had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when the Lady
+Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres, presented the gallant
+Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would satasfy her
+Ladyship but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann
+Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion. Captain S----
+was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment to his Lady. I
+cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, and
+our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend's residence,
+Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham.
+
+"Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4,
+but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon Railroad
+travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great
+Westn, in an eavle Hour.
+
+"We didnt take much luggitch--my wife's things in the ushal
+bandboxes--mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo's (called
+so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a small supply of a
+few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady's fingers,
+for that dear child, who is now 6 months old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE.
+Likewise we were charged with a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from
+Skivary & Morris, containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's
+cawdle, with a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and
+owsehold: about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's
+in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres
+(big enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked 'Glass,' from her
+ladyship's meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to this an
+ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace hangings, held up
+by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding James Hangelo's rattle & my
+umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.
+
+"We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid
+Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet
+spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn
+upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know--and here, to our
+infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we were
+in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other light
+harticles.
+
+"Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my
+hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; but
+seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an
+Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--'James,' says Mary
+Hann, 'instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young
+neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the other
+carridge.' I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the
+opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby's rattle; and jest as I
+came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the whizzling
+injians proclayms the time of our departure,--& farewell soop and cottn
+velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the umberella.
+If it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James
+Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: &
+for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the
+passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly.
+
+"We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged
+to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs,
+tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like mad,
+and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the
+broad gage to the narrow gage. 'Mary Hann,' says I, rot to desperation,
+'I shall throttle this darling if he goes on.' 'Do,' says she--'and GO
+INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says she--a snatchin the babby out of my
+arms. Do go,' says she, youre not fit to look after luggage,' and she
+began lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she looked
+after the packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that
+packet!--pretty darling--easy with that box, Sir, its glass--pooooty
+poppet--where's the deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried,
+reading out of a list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep.
+The porters were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more
+ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball.
+
+"At last--bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the Chayny
+bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white bandbox, with a
+crash and a smash. 'It's My Lady's box from Crinoline's!' cries Mary
+Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward to
+inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls clinking inside;
+and Lady B.'s mixture (which had the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was
+dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak,
+trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting.
+
+"As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I thought
+I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little soup; so
+I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off.
+There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon.
+
+*****
+
+"We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered with
+a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not speak for
+some minutes. At last she spoke out--
+
+"'Have you all the small parcels?'
+
+"'Twenty-three in all,' says I.
+
+"'Then give me baby.'
+
+"'Give you what?' says I.
+
+"'Give me baby.'
+
+"'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I.
+
+*****
+
+"O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE LEDGE AT
+GLOSTER.
+
+"It all came of the break of gage."
+
+
+
+MR. JEAMES AGAIN.
+
+
+"DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my privit
+ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis,
+regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose primmiture
+dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted parents, I must
+begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of your valuble collams
+once more, and hease the public mind about my blessid boy.
+
+"Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush was
+left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most disgreeble of
+complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be
+said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rusht into that
+fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not Baby, but Bundles
+I had in my lapp.
+
+"When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at the
+train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the luggitch,
+her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady Hangelina's baby,
+the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one immortial smash; the
+old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if it was huss, and not
+the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and as if we ad no misfortns
+of our hown to deplaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called
+Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on
+about her broken Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear
+little Christian child. 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby'
+(seshe); 'where's my bowl?--where's my medsan?--where's my bewtiffle
+Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!'
+
+"'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite
+riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. 'Ask the pawters at
+Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it's not the fust time they've been
+asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you send
+for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the "Plow"--they keep it very good
+and strong there, I'll be bound. Has for us, WE'RE a going back to the
+cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.'
+
+"'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not going to
+Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss it?'
+
+"'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I. 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint by
+the Fly.' And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I
+lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to
+Gloster.
+
+"I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in the
+carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. When we
+got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to
+the station, up to the fatle Bench.
+
+"'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. 'Where's my
+infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,--dear Mr. Policeman,
+give it me--a thousand guineas for it.'
+
+"'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby have I
+seen this day except thirteen of my own--and you're welcome to any one
+of THEM, and kindly.'
+
+"'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said,
+afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time--pawters
+& clarx and refreshmint people and all. 'What's this year row about that
+there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping hup. I thought my
+wife was going to jump into his harms. 'Have you got him?' says she.
+
+"'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he.
+
+"'And blue eyse!' says my wife.
+
+"'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by this
+time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a letter-box,'
+says he: 'he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the broad gauge line,
+and sent him on by it, in course,' says he. 'And it'll be a caution to
+you, young woman, for the future, to label your children along with the
+rest of your luggage.'
+
+"If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may emadgine
+I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As it was, we was
+obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train (4 ears they seemed
+to us), and then away we went.
+
+"'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got
+there. 'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man. 'No body claimed him
+here, and so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him
+some supper, and he's at Paddington by this time. Yes,' says he, looking
+at the clock, 'he's been there these ten minutes.'
+
+"But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this
+good-naterd man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your
+mind. We'll know in five minutes how he is.'
+
+"'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.'
+
+"'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.'
+
+"And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle
+inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the
+twinkling of a peg-post.
+
+"'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.'
+
+"Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.'
+
+"'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed. Back comes the
+answer in a Jiffy--
+
+"'C. R. Y. I. N. G.'
+
+"This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann, who
+pull'd a very sad face.
+
+"The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;' and
+what d'ye think was the answer? I'm blest if it wasn't--
+
+"'P. A. P.'
+
+"He was eating pap! There's for you--there's a rogue for you--there's a
+March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust time. 'He'll sleep
+now,' says she. And she sat down with a full hart.
+
+*****
+
+"If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE need
+never ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I promise
+you--where me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and where only
+yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in our bar.
+
+     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+"And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most precious
+luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this year way,
+why it won't be for want of warning, both from Professor Harris, the
+Commission, and from
+
+"My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant,
+
+"JEAMES PLUSH."
+
+
+
+
+THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+"TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION."
+
+
+I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public
+I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, as I
+leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows:--
+
+
+MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S.,
+
+Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse,
+
+AHMEDNUGGAR.
+
+
+Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid any of
+those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so frequent of
+late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble title
+of mine, and the confusion thereby created. When I published my volume
+of poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper remarked "that the
+Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among the sweetest
+flowrets of the present spring season." The Quarterly Review, commenting
+upon my Observations on the "Pons Asinorum" (4to. London, 1836), called
+me "Doctor Gahagan," and so on. It was time to put an end to these
+mistakes, and I have taken the above simple remedy.
+
+I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at
+the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl--ns
+(who, though she does not speak English, understands it as well as I
+do,) said to me in the softest Teutonic, "Lieber Herr Major, haben sie
+den Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion gelassen?" "Warum denn?" said I,
+quite astonished at her R---l H-----ss's question. The P---cess then
+spoke of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Goliah
+Gahagan.
+
+There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question.
+
+"Comment donc?" said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count
+Mole; "le cher Major a quitte l'armee! Nicolas donc sera maitre de
+l'Inde!" H. M---- and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation in
+a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state of
+confusion. I blushed and stuttered, and murmured out a few incoherent
+words to explain--but it would not do--I could not recover my equanimity
+during the course of the dinner and while endeavoring to help an English
+Duke, my neighbor, to poulet a l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms
+and three large greasy croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill.
+Another laugh at my expense. "Ah! M. le Major," said the Q---- of the
+B-lg--ns, archly, "vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel." Her
+M----y's joke will be better understood when I state that his Grace is
+the brother of a Minister.
+
+I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by
+mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. I
+only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least
+in DECENT society. Verbum sat.
+
+But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah in
+full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also
+a Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the
+public most likely knows. Poor Greg! a very trivial dispute was the
+cause of our quarrel, which never would have originated but for the
+similarity of our names. The circumstance was this: I had been lucky
+enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling service (in the
+notorious affair of Choprasjee Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a
+gold toothpick-case directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course
+thought was for me: my brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the
+consequence was, that in about three minutes he received a slash in the
+right side (cut 6), which effectually did his business:--he was a good
+swordsman enough--I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous
+part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all--he
+had left it on the Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what
+madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble; he had much
+better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined to have
+it. From this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader will perceive
+that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; and, in fact, I
+may say that I have led a more remarkable life than any man in the
+service--I have been at more pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes,
+had more success among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a
+handsomer man than any officer now serving her Majesty.
+
+When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of seventeen,
+with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic at all kinds of
+exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else who would trust
+me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of 120L. a year. I need
+not say that with all these advantages I did that which a number of
+clever fellows have done before me--I fell in love, and proposed to
+marry immediately.
+
+But how to overcome the difficulty?--It is true that I loved Julia
+Jowler--loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a Member
+of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was,
+however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the "Samuel
+Snob" East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely creature, and my
+misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. We were not out
+of the Channel before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she trod
+upon, kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit.
+The same madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates fought
+about her at the Cape; the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from
+disappointed affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten
+spontaneous combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and
+seven daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs.
+L., and made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me,
+with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs. Duffy,
+although he had had nineteen children by her.
+
+We used to call her the witch--there was magic in her beauty and in her
+voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark staring mad
+when she looked at me! O lustrous black eyes!--O glossy night-black
+ringlets!--O lips!--O dainty frocks of white muslin!--O tiny kid
+slippers!--though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still! I recollect,
+off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular way one day at dinner,
+just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of scalding hot green fat.
+I was stupefied at once--I thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound)
+into my mouth. I made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but
+left it there for many minutes, burning, burning! I had no skin to my
+palate for seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest
+of the voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia
+Jowler over me.
+
+The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of storms,
+shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so forth, that
+(although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think
+it quite unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to
+say, that during our five months' trajet, my mad passion for Julia
+daily increased; so did the captain's and the surgeon's; so did Colonel
+Lilywhite's; so did the doctor's, the mate's--that of most part of
+the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew. For myself, I
+swore--ensign as I was--I would win her for my wife; I vowed that I
+would make her glorious with my sword--that as soon as I had made a
+favorable impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to
+create), I would lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand
+his daughter's hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage
+continue and conclude.
+
+We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December, 1802,
+and then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was carried off
+to her papa's arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at least forty
+hookahbadars; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a
+solitary beasty (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are called),
+made his way humbly to join the regiment at head-quarters.
+
+The --th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of
+Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and Europe
+by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles--so great was
+its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in that
+delightful district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in
+command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through
+the body, was second Major. We were on the eve of that remarkable war
+which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of India, to call
+forth the valor of a Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a
+Gahagan; which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar (where
+I was the first over the barricade at the storming of the Pettah); at
+Argaum, where I slew with my own sword twenty-three matchlock-men,
+and cut a dromedary in two; and by that terrible day of Assaye, where
+Wellesley would have been beaten but for me--me alone: I headed nineteen
+charges of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my own troop)
+seventeen field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly French artillerymen;
+on that day I had eleven elephants shot under me, and carried away
+Scindiah's nose-ring with a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a Duke and a
+Marshal, I but a simple Major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war!
+But my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had better
+proceed with more order.
+
+On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first time put
+on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue swallow-tailed
+jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with about 3,000
+sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-colored leather inexpressibles (tights), and
+red morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to admiration
+the handsome persons of the officers of our corps. We wore powder in
+those days; and a regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet
+surrounded by leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather,
+gave the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more
+easily imagined than described.
+
+Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself before
+Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely similar, but not
+being more than five feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen
+stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and
+taller men. Flanked by his tall Majors, Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like
+a stumpy skittle-ball between two attenuated skittles. The plump little
+Colonel received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime
+favorite with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was
+the most hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love
+together, I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet
+presence of Julia.
+
+I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early
+days, that this Miss Jowler--on whom I had lavished my first and warmest
+love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and purity--was no better
+than a little impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, because
+during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no other toy to play with;
+and who deserted others for me, and me for others, just as her whim
+or her interest might guide her. She had not been three weeks at
+head-quarters when half the regiment was in love with her. Each and all
+of the candidates had some favor to boast of, or some encouraging hopes
+on which to build. It was the scene of the "Samuel Snob" over again,
+only heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list
+will give the reader a notion of some of them:--
+
+
+1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. Hicks
+received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity of carroty
+whisker forced down his throat with the ball.
+
+2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan. I was run through
+the body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and injured me very
+slightly.
+
+3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S.,
+Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo
+grounds, Ramgolly branch.
+
+
+Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's-play, and he might have come
+off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the civilian
+placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his stomach. A
+remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account of which I sent
+home to the "Philosophical Transactions:" the surgeon had extracted
+the ball, and was going off, thinking that all was well, when the gold
+repeater struck thirteen in poor Macgillicuddy's abdomen. I suppose that
+the works must have been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for
+the repeater was one of Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the
+circumstance occurred at SEVEN o'clock.*
+
+     * So admirable are the performances of these watches, which
+     will stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor
+     Macgillicuddy relate the following fact.  The hours, as it
+     is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four: the day
+     Mac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours,
+     from one to twenty-four; as soon as he crossed the Alps it
+     only sounded as usual.--G. O'G. G.
+
+I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which this
+Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should think,
+satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, heaven
+knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the
+sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I know that four
+times as many more took place concerning her.
+
+I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had been
+born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had married from
+the house of her mother, a native. There were some singular rumors
+abroad regarding this latter lady's history: it was reported that she
+was the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off by a poor
+English subaltern in Lord Clive's time. The young man was killed very
+soon after, and left his child with its mother. The black Prince forgave
+his daughter and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I suppose
+that it was on this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who
+had not, I do believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality:
+she was a hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth,
+and red eyes: she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy--she hated and was
+hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any
+other. She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent most
+of her time with her native friends. I wonder how she could have given
+birth to so lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of course
+with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her
+daughter's composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her. If
+Julia had been a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now; she set
+the whole cantonment by the ears; she made wives jealous and husbands
+miserable; she caused all those duels of which I have discoursed
+already, and yet such was the fascination of THE WITCH that I still
+thought her an angel. I made court to the nasty mother in order to be
+near the daughter; and I listened untiringly to Jowler's interminable
+dull stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the
+graceful movements of Miss Julia.
+
+But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the
+battle-field Gahagan is a man! The Bundelcund Invincibles received
+orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and prepared
+to part from his Andromache. And now arose his perplexity: what must be
+done with his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife's peculiarities of
+living, and did not much care to trust his daughter to her keeping; but
+in vain he tried to find her an asylum among the respectable ladies of
+his regiment. Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing
+to do with Mrs. Jowler; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have
+neither mother nor daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her
+mother must have a house together, and Jowler knew that his wife would
+fill it with her odious blackamoor friends.
+
+I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned
+from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see her alone,
+and wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer does about a
+public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and
+longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or
+her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the tale
+of my love.
+
+But it would not do--old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a sudden to
+such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him out of doors,
+and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin gave the
+first idea of our regimental breeches), who before had been gadding
+ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose into every menage in the
+cantonment, stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My only chance
+was to beard the old couple in their den, and ask them at once for their
+cub.
+
+So I called one day at tiffin:--old Jowler was always happy to have my
+company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson's
+pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was
+in Bengal)--and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old Mrs.
+Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;--she was exactly the color of it, as I
+have had already the honor to remark, and she swallowed the mixture with
+a gusto which was never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando apropos
+d'huitres. She consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon,
+like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would throw
+away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards her, go to
+work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with her fingers, and
+stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy company. But why
+do I diverge from the main point of my story?
+
+Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl was in
+the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. "How do you do, Mr.
+Gagin?" said the old hag, leeringly. "Eat a bit o' currie-bhaut,"--and
+she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. "What!
+Gagy my boy, how do, how do?" said the fat Colonel. "What! run through
+the body?--got well again--have some Hodgson--run through your body
+too!"--and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that
+in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the
+skin) old Jowler laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices,
+consomahs, and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, unasked,
+with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused
+nervously for a moment, and then said--
+
+"Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga."
+
+The black ruffians took the hint and retired.
+
+"Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are alone; and you,
+Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is--I mean--I take this opportunity
+to--(another glass of ale, if you please)--to express, once for all,
+before departing on a dangerous campaign"--(Julia turned pale)--"before
+entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch in the dust my high-raised
+hopes and me, to express my hopes while life still remains to me, and
+to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love
+you, Julia!" The Colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck
+quivering for some minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded not the
+paltry interruption. "Yes, by yon bright heaven," continued I, "I
+love you, Julia! I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and
+beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a
+return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such deeds
+in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of your Gahagan."
+
+The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, snapped, and
+ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was now red, now white;
+the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg,
+wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had remarked by
+his side.
+
+"A cornet!" said he, in a voice choking with emotion; "a pitiful,
+beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler! Gag, Gahagan,
+are you mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man--at
+these letters, I say--one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every
+part of India (not including one from the Governor-General, and six from
+his brother, Colonel Wellesley,)--one hundred and twenty-four proposals
+for the hand of Miss Jowler! Cornet Gahagan," he continued, "I wish to
+think well of you: you are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps,
+the handsomest man in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee.
+You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!"--(Here the
+old rogue grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).--"No, no," said he,
+waxing good-natured; "Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense! Julia, love, retire
+with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe
+with me."
+
+I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life.
+
+*****
+
+I am not going to give here an account of my military services; they
+will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty volumes,
+which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in all
+Wellesley's brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk, I travelled across
+the country north-eastward, and had the honor of fighting by the side of
+Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore:
+but I will not boast of my actions--the military man knows them, MY
+SOVEREIGN appreciates them. If asked who was the bravest man of the
+Indian army, there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry
+at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate: I cared not for life,
+deprived of Julia Jowler.
+
+With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern refusal
+in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, again to seek
+her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen months on service,
+marching and countermarching, and fighting almost every other day: to
+the world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the face, and
+not the seared and blighted heart within me. My valor, always
+desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my grooms and
+grass-cutters for the most trifling offence or error,--I never in action
+spared a man,--I sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course
+of that single campaign.
+
+Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor old
+Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he received a
+parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her
+daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that
+he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within two days; but
+it was against the blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows,
+in the heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit of dealing
+rather roughly with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they
+used to pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots,
+to flog them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on.
+Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which before had always
+justly exasperated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now
+to smile fiercely and say, "D--- the black scoundrels! Serve them right,
+serve them right!"
+
+One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had been
+on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably
+to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a
+neighboring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in an instant
+three of my men's saddles were empty, and I was left with but seven more
+to make head against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen.
+I never saw in my life a nobler figure than the leader of the
+troop--mounted on a splendid black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as
+myself; he wore a steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful
+French carbine, which had already done execution upon two of my men. I
+saw that our only chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man.
+I shouted to him in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of
+course), "Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man!"
+
+In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and mortally
+transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. Grinding my teeth
+and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed its
+blow,* and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, his own
+sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry
+of battle.
+
+     * In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go
+     out with small-swords--miserable weapons only fit for
+     tailors.--G. O'G. G.
+
+The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut off his
+sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head. I said that
+he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of
+chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered "ST. GEORGE;" my sword
+caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, cut
+crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby
+which he wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean in two between the
+eyebrows and nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side
+on each shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my
+men, who were not a little amused at the feat.
+
+As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their leader's
+fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we made a single
+prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler.
+
+We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said it
+was Chowder Loll.
+
+"Chowder Loll!" shrieked Colonel Jowler. "O fate! thy hand is here!" He
+rushed wildly into his tent--the next day applied for leave of absence.
+Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for some
+time.
+
+*****
+
+As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General Lake
+sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley received me
+with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at
+Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blushing,
+thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side!
+
+Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my former
+passages with his daughter. "Gagy my boy," says he, shaking hands, "glad
+to see you. Old friend, Julia--come to tiffin--Hodgson's pale--brave
+fellow Gagy." Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, and fixed
+upon me her awful eyes! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent
+words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said, "Come!" Need I
+say I went?
+
+I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I know,
+that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had been: and that
+in three weeks I--yes, I--was the accepted lover of Julia! I did not
+pause to ask where were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I,
+refused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I loved her,
+and was happy!
+
+*****
+
+One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a lover's
+pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of palaces
+until I came to the house which contained my Julia. I peeped into the
+compound--all was still; I looked into the veranda--all was dark,
+except a light--yes, one light--and it was in Julia's chamber! My heart
+throbbed almost to stilling. I would--I WOULD advance, if but to gaze
+upon her for a moment, and to bless her as she slept. I DID look, I DID
+advance; and, O heaven! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress,
+with a very dark baby in her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an
+ayah, who was nursing another.
+
+"Oh, mamma," said Julia, "what would that fool Gahagan say if he knew
+all?"
+
+"HE DOES KNOW ALL!" shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down the
+tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia
+fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their d----d nurse fell
+on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindustanee. Old Jowler
+at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword.
+
+"Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!" shouted I. "Turn, ruffian, and defend
+yourself!" But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked at his
+lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room.
+
+Why continue the tale? I need not now account for Jowler's gloom on
+receiving his letters from Benares--for his exclamation upon the death
+of the Indian chief--for his desire to marry his daughter: the woman I
+was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. Chowder Loll!
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE.
+
+
+I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of some
+of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have endeavored
+to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I
+make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or good feeling, to steal
+from me that which is my sole wealth--my character as a teller of THE
+TRUTH.
+
+The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures of
+a profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists, none
+(luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of my
+statements: they know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON. If I can
+use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, and
+would answer their contradictions with my sword! No gold or gems
+adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but there is blood upon the
+blade--the blood of the enemies of my country, and the maligners of my
+honest fame. There are others, however--the disgrace of a disgraceful
+trade--who, borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have ventured
+to assail me. The infamous editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay
+Beacon, the Tipperary Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other
+dastardly organs of the provincial press, have, although differing in
+politics, agreed upon this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity,
+vented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me.
+
+They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully perverted
+history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, was any one of
+these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any single conductor of any
+one of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country?
+Does this EXQUISITE Tipperary scribe know the difference between
+Hurrygurrybang and Burrumtollah? Not he! and because, forsooth, in those
+strange and distant lands strange circumstances have taken place, it
+is insinuated that the relater is a liar: nay, that the very places
+themselves have no existence but in my imagination. Fools!--but I will
+not waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions
+of my personal history.
+
+It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will not
+venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against
+Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna,
+where he exercised that brilliant little army which was speedily to
+perform such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give a slight
+account of the causes of a war which was speedily to rage through some
+of the fairest portions of the Indian continent.
+
+Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line
+of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had wellnigh
+hurled Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of Bagdad)--Shah
+Allum, I say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was in reality
+the slave of the various warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over
+the country and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some more
+successful rebel. Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row
+Scindiah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a
+time complete mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan
+soldier, had abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it
+until he had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the
+eyes of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came
+to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed
+his oppressor, only increased his slavery; holding him in as painful a
+bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous Afghan.
+
+As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long
+rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, the
+British Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no
+means interfered in the contest. But the French Revolution broke out,
+and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian
+States, seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds of the
+various native princes against the British East India Company. A
+number of these entered into Scindiah's ranks: one of them, Perron, was
+commander of his army; and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in
+his hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of
+an invasion of the British territory, the Company all of a sudden
+discovered that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and
+determined to re-establish the ancient splendor of his throne.
+
+Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that prompted our
+governors to take these kindly measures in his favor. I don't know how
+it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit
+better off than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten,
+and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a puppet as before.
+Somehow, in the hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster
+remained with the British Government, who had so kindly offered to dress
+it for the Emperor, while his Majesty was obliged to be contented with
+the shell.
+
+The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of the
+Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of cavalry and
+twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by General Lake in
+person.
+
+Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur;
+on the fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name
+was mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the
+Commander-in-Chief's words regarding me--they will spare me the trouble
+of composing my own eulogium:--
+
+"The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high sense
+of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the ---- cavalry. In the
+storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single ladder,
+and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in
+escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. Fourteen ditches
+lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls
+bristling with innumerable artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses,
+were in turn triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His
+course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies lying thick
+upon the platforms; and alas! by the corpses of most of the gallant
+men who followed him!--when at length he effected his lodgment, and the
+dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose
+upon him the tigers and lions of Scindiah's menagerie. This meritorious
+officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most
+ferocious animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of
+BRITISH VALOR, shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private,
+and Runty Goss, havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine
+hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honor to them! honor and tears
+for the brave men who perished on that awful day!"
+
+*****
+
+I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of September
+24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to the statement,
+may refer to the paper itself.
+
+And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so marvellously
+preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. Were I to say that
+any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous
+combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn. No: though my narrative is
+extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and never, never would
+I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this:--the
+citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a thousand feet
+above the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his
+Excellency was good enough to remark in his despatch. A man who would
+mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he
+mounted them without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We HAD
+scaling-ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was
+quite impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries.
+Mounted on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I
+saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could
+be found for our brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was about
+seventy feet high. I instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and
+peppered the latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling
+place; the men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this simple
+stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier--for to ascend a
+wall which the General was pleased to call "as smooth as glass" is an
+absurd impossibility: I seek to achieve none such:--
+
+     "I dare do all that may become a man,
+     Who dares do more, is neither more nor less."
+
+Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one of us
+would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it was owing to
+fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery,
+arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so
+difficult as might be imagined--killing these fellows was sheer
+butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned and fled
+helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their courage by the fact
+that out of about seven hundred men killed by us, only forty had wounds
+in front, the rest being bayoneted as they ran.
+
+And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting out of
+these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, the second
+commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (conspicuous for a
+tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we
+stormed them, and running away the very first among the fugitives.
+He had all the keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he opened the
+menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when
+the animals were overcome. Runty Goss then opened them one by one, our
+troops entered, and the victorious standard of my country floated on the
+walls of Allyghur!
+
+When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line of
+fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead rhinoceros
+on which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. But the excitement
+which had borne me through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day
+failed all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder.
+
+Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in the
+power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds him
+in the capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit was,
+therefore, not very rich. His Excellency had a favorite horn snuff-box
+(for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits most simple):
+of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, which he
+always took, he made me a present, saying, in front of the line, "Accept
+this, Mr. Gahagan, as a token of respect from the first to the bravest
+officer in the army."
+
+Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that
+fourpence was about the value of this gift: but it has at least this
+good effect--it serves to convince any person who doubts my story, that
+the facts of it are really true. I have left it at the office of my
+publisher, along with the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody
+may examine both by applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.*
+That once popular expression, or proverb, "are you up to snuff?" arose
+out of the above circumstance; for the officers of my corps, none of
+whom, except myself, had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me
+about this modest reward for my labors. Never mind! when they want me to
+storm a fort AGAIN, I shall know better.
+
+     * The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at
+     Mr. Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a
+     newspaper, and does not QUITE prove that he killed a
+     rhinoceros and stormed fourteen intrenchments at the siege
+     of Allyghur.
+
+Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, Perron,
+who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in to us, with
+his family and treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements
+at Chandernagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we now
+moved. The morning of the 11th of September found us upon the plains of
+Delhi.
+
+It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves after
+the morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet along
+with O'Gawler of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy's
+neighborhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler and I were seated under
+a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed to shelter us from
+the intolerable heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight
+a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool,
+weak, refreshing sangaree. We had been playing cards the night before,
+and O'Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of
+the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking,
+and holding mine up, said, "Here's better luck to you next time,
+O'Gawler!"
+
+As I spoke the words--whish!--a cannon-ball cut the tumbler clean out
+of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach. It settled him
+completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such are
+the uncertainties of war!
+
+To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements--to mount my Arab charger--to
+drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree--and to gallop to the
+General, was the work of a moment. I found him as comfortably at tiffin
+as if he were at his own house in London.
+
+"General," said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent), "you
+must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy."
+
+"The enemy--psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of the
+river."
+
+"I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly carry
+five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot dead at my
+side with a cannon-ball."
+
+"Ha! is it so?" said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the
+drumstick of a grilled chicken. "Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of
+Europe are upon us, and follow me!"
+
+Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat; each
+British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. We mounted
+our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old General; I not the
+last in the train, upon my famous black charger.
+
+It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three miles
+of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we galloped, we
+were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line.
+Nothing can better describe it than this:--
+
+            ________________________________
+           ................................. A
+          .
+         .
+        .
+       .
+
+--A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty pieces
+of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, intrenched; and
+a wide morass in his front gave him an additional security.
+
+His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said, turning
+round to one of his aides-de-camp, "Order up Major-General Tinkler and
+the cavalry."
+
+"HERE, does your Excellency mean?" said the aide-de-camp, surprised, for
+the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying about as
+thick as peas.
+
+"HERE, sir!" said the old General, stamping with his foot in a passion,
+and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. In five minutes
+we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part
+of the cavalry had joined us.
+
+Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the air,
+their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden sunlight.
+"And now we are here," said Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler,
+"what next?" "Oh, d--- it," said the Commander-in-Chief, "charge,
+charge--nothing like charging--galloping--guns--rascally black
+scoundrels--charge, charge!" And then turning round to me (perhaps he
+was glad to change the conversation), he said, "Lieutenant Gahagan, you
+will stay with me."
+
+And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the battle WAS
+GAINED BY ME. I do not mean to insult the reader by pretending that any
+personal exertions of mine turned the day,--that I killed, for instance,
+a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns,--such absurd tales
+would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is well known,
+never say a single word which cannot be proved, and hate more than all
+other vices the absurd sin of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to
+the General, at a quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day,
+won this great triumph for the British army.
+
+Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though
+somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General Lake,
+for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree!
+and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand
+upon my heart and say that I was. If any proof is wanting of the fact,
+let me give it at once, and from the highest military testimony in the
+world--I mean that of the Emperor Napoleon.
+
+In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the "Prince
+Regent," Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage from
+Calcutta to England. In company with the other officers on board the
+ship, I paid my respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who
+received us in his garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen
+dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General Montholon, Count
+Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a little boy; who I dare say does
+not recollect me, but who nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the
+tassels of my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his
+Imperial Majesty.
+
+Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by General
+Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a bow to the
+owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to
+mine. The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands out
+of his pockets, put them behind his back, and coming up to me smiling,
+pronounced the following words:--
+
+"Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?"
+
+I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said--"Sire, c'est moi."
+
+"Parbleu! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, holding out his
+snuff-box. "En usez-vous, Major?" I took a large pinch (which, with the
+honor of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes),
+and he continued as nearly as possible in the following words:--
+
+"Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third brother,
+the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade."
+
+Gahagan.--"Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your Majesty's
+service stood under the green flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat
+Wellington back. It was the only time, as your Majesty knows, that
+Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war."
+
+Napoleon (looking as if he would say, "D--- your candor, Major
+Gahagan").--"Well, well; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and died a
+General in my service."
+
+Gahagan.--"He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty
+Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan mark."
+
+Napoleon (to Montholon).--"C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma
+parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que c'est vrai. Ils ne sont pas
+d'autres, ces terribles Ga'gans. You must know that Monsieur gained
+the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. In this
+way:--Ce belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and placing
+them in front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la plaine, was
+for charging the enemy's batteries with his horse, who would have been
+ecrases, mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the cunning of ce grand
+rogue que vous voyez."
+
+Montholon.--"Coquin de Major, va!"
+
+Napoleon.--"Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great
+bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which
+he had brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would
+infallibly have done so--and the loss of his army would have been the
+ruin of the East India Company--and the ruin of the English East India
+Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a republic then!)
+in the East--but that the man before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was
+riding at the side of General Lake."
+
+Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).--"Gredin! cent mille
+tonnerres de Dieu!"
+
+Napoleon (benignantly).--"Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will you?
+It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, or rather
+slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a
+retreat."
+
+Montholon. "Le lache! Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule jamais."
+
+Napoleon.--"STUPIDE! Don't you see WHY the retreat was ordered?--don't
+you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from
+his impregnable intrenchments? Don't you know that the ignorant Indian
+fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of his guns, came
+down with his cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons?
+Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of
+the north swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their
+guns, which were useless, entered Holkar's intrenchments along with his
+troops, sabred the artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of
+Delhi!"
+
+As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed fire,
+his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the enemy from
+beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the
+charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud
+moment in my life, but never such a proud one as this; and I would
+readily pardon the word "coward," as applied to me by Montholon, in
+consideration of the testimony which his master bore in my favor.
+
+"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why had I not such a man
+as you in my service? I would have made you a Prince and a Marshal!" and
+here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport.
+He was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his fortunes;
+and indeed I have very little doubt that I might.
+
+Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, Napoleon's
+valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, and talking
+upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me
+deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in this remarkable
+interview.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+A PEEP INTO SPAIN--ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR
+IRREGULARS.
+
+
+HEAD QUARTERS, MORELLA, Sept. 16, 1838.
+
+I have been here for some months, along with my young friend Cabrera:
+and in the hurry and bustle of war--daily on guard and in the batteries
+for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe wounds
+and seven musket-balls in my body--it may be imagined that I have had
+little time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter arma
+silent leges--in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing! as the poet
+says; and I never would have bothered myself with a pen, had not common
+gratitude incited me to throw off a few pages.
+
+Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this
+place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor Emmett
+Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of Gray's Inn, and
+what he called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with
+the Queen's people, not in a military capacity, but as representative of
+an English journal; to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he
+was in the habit of transmitting accounts of the movements of the
+belligerents, and his own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving,
+for the discharge of his duty, a couple of guineas a week from the
+proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled, as I need
+scarcely say, to make such a show in Oraa's camp as only a Christino
+general officer, or at the very least a colonel of a regiment, can
+afford to keep up.
+
+In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of
+course among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a good
+deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to
+describe here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, which had been
+made the head-quarters of several Queenite officers during the siege.
+The pesatero or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave
+chapel-churies, with his fine family of children--the officers quartered
+in the podesta had of course bolted; but one man remained, and my
+fellows were on the point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with
+their borachios, when I arrived in the room time enough to prevent
+the catastrophe. Seeing before me an individual in the costume of a
+civilian--a white hat, a light blue satin cravat, embroidered with
+butterflies and other quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and
+a pair of blue plaid trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and
+interposed to save his life.
+
+In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he could
+to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of slaughtering
+him; but it is very little likely that his protestations would have had
+any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the
+ruffians to hold their hand.
+
+Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that rank
+in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six feet four
+in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called,
+because it is five feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish
+armies--seeing, I say, this figure, the fellows retired, exclaiming,
+"Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros," and so on, clearly proving (by their
+words) that they would, if they dared, have immolated the victim whom
+I had thus rescued from their fury. "Villains!" shouted I, hearing them
+grumble, "away! quit the apartment!" Each man, sulkily sheathing his
+sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla.
+
+It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I
+have briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he had a
+family in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and that
+his most intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven and
+earth to revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a portmanteau
+passably well filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my
+troops. I said, though with much regret, that I must subject his person
+to a search; and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what
+I fear you will consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon
+Mr. Sheeny's person three sovereigns in English money (which I have to
+this day), and singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine,
+containing a portion of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should
+let the poor young man be shot or no, but this little circumstance saved
+his life. The gratified vanity of authorship induced me to accept his
+portmanteau and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I
+put the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and the podesta.
+
+The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full
+time for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after committing
+dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon the fort,
+hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known
+and respected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served for
+some months on the Queen's side before I came over to Don Carlos); and,
+as it is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect to receive it
+when taken myself. On issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau
+and my sword in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our
+own men in a pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about
+four hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while
+on my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite
+lancers were clattering along the road.
+
+I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this discovery,
+so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz! came a bullet by
+my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round--there
+were seventy of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I
+said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight seventy
+men, you would write me down a fool or a liar: no, sir, I did not fight,
+I ran away.
+
+I am six feet four--my figure is as well known in the Spanish army
+as that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera
+himself. "GAHAGAN!" shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices, and
+fifty more shots came rattling after me. I was running--running as the
+brave stag before the hounds--running as I have done a great number of
+times before in my life, when there was no help for it but a race.
+
+After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained nearly
+three upon our column in front, and that likewise the Christino horsemen
+were left behind some hundred yards more; with the exception of three,
+who were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a lance; he
+had fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty yards in advance of his
+comrades; there was a similar distance between the two lancers who
+rode behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came
+up delivered cut 3 at his horse's near leg--off it flew, and down, as I
+expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through
+my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that
+fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the plan
+which I hoped was to effect my rescue.
+
+I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and,
+unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained--some shirts, a
+bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c.,--I had carried
+it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice it
+malgre moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my right
+hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, with aim so true, that he
+fell back on his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse galloped up
+to me, I had no difficulty in dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle
+struck him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash
+him from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment;
+indeed, the two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the
+time which it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the
+rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's horse, I
+had committed a very absurd oversight--I was scampering away WITHOUT MY
+SWORD! What was I to do?--to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the
+legs of my horse for safety!
+
+The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear his
+horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey-fashion in my
+saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in
+vain. Closer--closer--the point of his lance was within two feet of my
+back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my agony when I felt it
+enter--through exactly fifty-nine pages of the New Monthly Magazine.
+Had it not been for that Magazine, I should have been impaled without a
+shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in feeling gratitude? Had I not cause to
+continue my contributions to that periodical?
+
+When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying party,
+I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of
+the lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a
+ball came whiz over my head from our fellows, and entering at his nose,
+put a stop to HIS lancing for the future). I hastened to Cabrera's
+quarter, and related to him some of my adventures during the day.
+
+"But, General," said he, "you are standing. I beg you chiudete l'uscio
+(take a chair)."
+
+I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some
+foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my sitting
+at ease. I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and there, to my
+wonder, DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like a fish-hook, or a
+pastoral crook.
+
+"Ha! ha! ha!" said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag).
+
+"Valdepenas madrilenos," growled out Tristany.
+
+"By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman)," shrieked
+out Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, "I will send it to the Bishop
+of Leon for a crozier."
+
+"Gahagan has CONSECRATED it," giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so they
+went on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But, when they heard
+that the means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly
+Christino had been the Magazine containing my own history, their laugh
+was changed into wonder. I read them (speaking Spanish more fluently
+than English) every word of my story. "But how is this?" said Cabrera.
+"You surely have other adventures to relate?"
+
+"Excellent Sir," said I, "I have;" and that very evening, as we sat over
+our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in nearly the
+following words:--
+
+"I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, as
+everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. But
+who gained the battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and
+Laswaree, while Major Gaha--nonsense, never mind HIM, never mind the
+charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in
+the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes;
+when, with one hand seizing the sacred peishcush, or fish--which was the
+banner always borne before Scindiah,--he, with his good sword, cut off
+the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony,
+plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren,
+tossing, like chaff before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He,
+meanwhile, now plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now
+cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on,
+like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand,
+a hundred and forty-thr--but never mind--'ALONE HE DID IT;' sufficient
+be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he cares not for the
+empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate men!
+
+     * The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic
+     reader may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his
+     Commentary on the Flight of Darius), is so called by the
+     Mahrattas.
+
+"We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah Allum
+received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on our General.
+As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah did not fail to
+remark my person,* and was told my name.
+
+     * There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part.
+     Shah Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have
+     seen Gahagan? The thing is manifestly impossible.
+
+"Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so
+delighted with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose trunk
+I use to this day), that he said, 'Let him be called GUJPUTI,' or the
+lord of elephants; and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards
+familiarly known among the natives,--the men, that is. The women had a
+softer appellation for me, and called me 'Mushook,' or charmer.
+
+"Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to the
+reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from Delhi; nor
+the terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice
+it to say that we were victorious, and that I was wounded; as I have
+invariably been in the two hundred and four occasions when I have found
+myself in action. One point, however, became in the course of this
+campaign QUITE evident--THAT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE FOR GAHAGAN. The
+country cried shame, the King's troops grumbled, the sepoys openly
+murmured that their Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed
+such signal services. What was to be done? Lord Wellesley was in an
+evident quandary. 'Gahagan,' wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently
+not your fate--YOU WERE BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley
+are good officers, they cannot be turned out--I must make a post for
+you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?'
+
+"It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had
+its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long be
+remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns.
+
+*****
+
+"As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the uniform
+of the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were not wanting as
+soon as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my standard
+a great deal faster than to the regular corps in the Company's service.
+I had European officers, of course, to command them, and a few of my
+countrymen as sergeants; the rest were all natives, whom I chose of
+the strongest and bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans,
+Hurrumzadehs, and Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most
+warlike districts of our Indian territory.
+
+"When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble
+appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance, gave a
+carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid costume that
+ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six
+feet four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and proportion. My
+hair and beard are of the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely
+to be distinguished at a distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue,
+overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific
+gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid,
+and the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly
+military appearance than can be conceived. When I have been drinking (as
+is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have
+another which took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of my
+front teeth, I leave you to imagine that 'seldom lighted on the earth'
+(as the monster Burke remarked of one of his unhappy victims), 'a more
+extraordinary vision.' I improved these natural advantages; and, while
+in cantonment during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to
+grow very long, as did my beard, which reached to my waist. It took
+me two hours daily to curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw
+ringlets, which waved over my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well
+round to the corners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers
+and red morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color
+round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated with a
+tuft of the scarlet feathers of the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and
+I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull
+and crossbones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistols, a Malay
+creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and very nearly six feet
+in length, completed this elegant costume. My two flags were each
+surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones, and ornamented, one with
+a black, and the other with a red beard (of enormous length, taken from
+men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course the arms of
+John Company; on the other, an image of myself bestriding a prostrate
+elephant, with the simple word, 'Gujputi' written underneath in the
+Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and
+looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied
+the words which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in
+Marlborough's time:--
+
+     "'To noble danger he conducts the way,
+     His great example all his troop obey,
+     Before the front the Major sternly rides,
+     With such an air as Mars to battle strides.
+     Propitious heaven must sure a hero save
+     Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!'
+
+"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger,
+Pappendick, Stuffle, &c., &c.) were dressed exactly in the same way,
+but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in black. I
+have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the
+Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view than any set of
+ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would to heaven that the Czar of
+Muscovy had passed through Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old
+Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him! Bless you, bless you, my
+swart companions in victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the
+booming of your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye
+rage in the thickest of the battle!*
+
+     * I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to
+     pretend that my genius as a writer has not been equalled in
+     former times; but if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe,
+     or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful
+     sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is
+     all--I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO HIM.----G. O'G. G.,
+     M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+"But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a figure
+the Irregulars cut on a field-day--a line of five hundred black-faced,
+black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men--Biggs, Glogger, and
+the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of
+lightning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, like
+yon glorious orb in heaven.
+
+"There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's
+sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when we
+thought that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg
+had completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he broke up his
+camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard of him was,
+that he was at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam--he was, in
+fact, in the very heart of our territory.
+
+"The unfortunate part of the affair was this:--His Excellency, despising
+the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about two thousand
+miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest degree where to lay
+hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew,
+and for a considerable period the movements of Lake's cavalry were quite
+ambiguous, uncertain, promiscuous, and undetermined.
+
+"Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804. At the
+beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, cutting
+off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under lip), and I
+was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired
+for my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur--it
+is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have
+there a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon
+and the sticking-plaster.
+
+"Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the lower
+Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is fortified
+slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, meaning in
+Hindoostanee 'the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced-Feringhees-near
+the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram') occupied by Europeans. (It is
+astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, and how
+much can be conveyed in one or two of the commonest phrases.)
+
+"Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks with
+Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner of health
+at Futtyghur.
+
+"An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The cantonment at
+Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy slave.
+Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety! The fact is,
+that when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army all
+congregated to this place, where they were left, as it was supposed, in
+safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of all. I
+may at least mention SOME whose memory is still most dear to me. There
+was--
+
+"Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry.
+
+"Miss Bulcher.
+
+"Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in large
+capitals.)
+
+"Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy.
+
+"Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan.
+
+"The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more too
+numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, collected
+there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were,
+'Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge. Guard them with your
+life, watch over them with your honor, defend them with the matchless
+power of your indomitable arm.'
+
+"Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty air of
+the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has often ere
+this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of
+a hill--the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at its base; and no
+spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both by art
+and nature, as a favorite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher,
+Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies above mentioned,
+had each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and
+between one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as can
+the hours of any man who is away from his darling occupation of war.
+
+"I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant pettah,
+defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp,
+and a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my flag was planted, and
+the small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in
+the case-mates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there were besides
+three reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, who lived in the town,)
+completed, as I may say, the garrison of our little fortalice, which I
+was left to defend and to command.
+
+"On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had invited
+Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy,
+and, indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in
+honor of the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting
+season, and indeed as a farewell visit, for it was my intention to take
+dawk the very next morning and return to my regiment. The three amateur
+missionaries whom I have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of
+very rigid religious principles, refused to appear at my little party.
+They had better never have been born than have done as they did: as you
+shall hear.
+
+"We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of the
+delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar
+kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by
+every lady and gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire
+on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I
+was occupied, as the French say, in conter-ing fleurettes to this
+sweet young creature, when, all of a sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing
+through the air, and a strong light was visible in the valley below the
+little fort.
+
+"'What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda; 'this is too
+gallant.'
+
+"'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, 'they are fireworks of which I
+have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries--'
+
+"'Look, look!' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my
+arm: 'what do I see? yes--no--yes! it is--OUR BUNGALOW IS IN FLAMES!'
+
+"It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General was
+at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element--another and another
+succeeded it--seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the name
+of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black midnight air!
+
+"I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the
+conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of black
+forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could observe
+columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their
+ground in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which the
+bungalows were built!
+
+"'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling Belinda
+clung closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that encircled
+her waist), 'down with the drawbridge! see that your masolgees' (small
+tumbrels which are used in place of large artillery) 'be well loaded:
+you, sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the
+lights in the embrasures! we shall have warm work of it to-night, or my
+name is not Goliah Gahagan.'
+
+"The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the sepoys,
+choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the platform at
+the sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the consternation, shrill
+the screaming, occasioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and
+mute with terror! the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither to fly for
+refuge. 'Who are yonder ruffians?' said I. A hundred voices yelped in
+reply--some said the Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it
+was Scindiah, and others declared it was Holkar--no one knew.
+
+"'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to reconnoitre
+yonder troops?' There was a dead pause.
+
+"'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder army!'
+again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that Scindiah
+and Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared
+venture to face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Abmednuggarees!'
+thought I.
+
+"'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I see it--you are cowards--none of you dare
+encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect: know
+you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the morrow's
+dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men against our
+walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no
+hope; death for us--and worse than death for these lovely ones assembled
+here?' Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have heard the
+jackals on a summer's evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both
+her arms round me, and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket
+rather, for the little witch could reach no higher).
+
+"'Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, 'GO--GO--GOGGLE--IAH!'
+
+"'My soul's adored!' replied I.
+
+"'Swear to me one thing.'
+
+"'I swear.'
+
+"'That if--that if--the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a-attahs
+take the fort, you will put me out of their power.'
+
+"I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that,
+rather than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should perish
+by my own hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-General
+Bulcher, and her elder sister, who had not until now known a word of our
+attachment, (indeed, but for these extraordinary circumstances, it is
+probable that we ourselves should never have discovered it,) were
+under these painful circumstances made aware of my beloved
+Belinda's partiality for me. Having communicated thus her wish of
+self-destruction, I thought her example a touching and excellent one,
+and proposed to all the ladies that they should follow it, and that at
+the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at a signal given by me, they
+should one and all make away with themselves. Fancy my disgust when,
+after making this proposition, not one of the ladies chose to accede
+to it, and received it with the same chilling denial that my former
+proposal to the garrison had met with.
+
+"In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it,
+a trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the sentinels
+came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate
+with a flag of truce!
+
+"I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the party,
+whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the point of my
+sword a scroll, of which the following is a translation:--
+
+
+"'TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI.
+
+"'LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,--I have the honor to inform you that I arrived
+before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under
+my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in
+Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the painful
+necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs), and seven
+English officers, whom I found in the village; the women have been
+transferred to safe keeping in the harems of my officers and myself.
+
+"'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you
+will surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general
+(hookahbadar) in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your assent,
+I beg leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on
+taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison, and every
+female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall reserve a
+punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has, I flatter
+myself, hardly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favor of a reply, I am,
+Sir,
+
+"'Your very obedient servant,
+
+"'JESWUNT ROW HOLKAR.
+
+"'CAMP BEFORE FUTTYGHUR, Sept. 1, 1804.
+
+"'R. S. V. P.'
+
+
+"The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing
+how Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an enormous
+Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape, round
+which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock,
+and whistling a national melody. I read the letter, and saw at once
+there was no time to be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to
+Holkar. Were he to attack us now before we were prepared, the fort would
+be his in half an hour.
+
+"Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the gate
+and advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the little
+bridge across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the fashion of
+the country, and, as he bent forward to return the compliment, I am
+sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head,
+which deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him within the
+wall, raising the drawbridge after me.
+
+"I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I
+stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes,
+and, putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the
+enemy."
+
+*****
+
+Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest of
+the staff, were sound asleep! What I did in my reconnaisance, and how
+I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of telling on
+another occasion.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE INDIAN CAMP--THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT.
+
+
+HEAD-QUARTERS, MORELLA, Oct. 3, 1838.
+
+It is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, and
+the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my
+casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The laugh and
+song pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the
+elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears
+of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of Riego's
+hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery of
+Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible and most bomb-proof
+tower of our little fortalice; the large casements are open--the wind,
+as it enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the
+orange grove and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant
+cedar-tree) flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses
+its scent and burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I
+write--meet implements for a soldier's authorship!--it is CARTRIDGE
+paper over which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of
+gunpowder forms my rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me,
+all--all is peace! I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country,
+England! and muse over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early
+days! Let me resume my narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the
+authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion.
+
+I left off, I think--(for I am a thousand miles away from proof-sheets
+as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must contradict
+myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)--I think, I say,
+that I left off at that period of my story, when, Holkar being before
+Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I had just been compelled
+to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in the fallen Indian's
+accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre the force, and, if possible,
+to learn the intentions of the enemy. However much my figure might have
+resembled that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might have
+deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge,
+it was evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn beard
+would have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army. Seizing,
+then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my hands,
+and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made my hair
+and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and chain hood covered
+likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence,
+and a complete command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from
+Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous
+ordeal.
+
+I had not the word of the night, it is true--but I trusted to good
+fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing the
+flag of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of hundred
+yards, when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just
+overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, and
+no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from his own horse, and giving
+the rein to a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger; a
+second fellow likewise dismounted and followed the first; one held
+the bridle of the horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams,
+aleikums, and other genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and
+kneeling, waited until I should mount.
+
+I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was a
+great man--that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air, gathered
+up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked saddle.
+"Buk, buk," said I. "It is good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums,
+let us ride on." And the whole party set off at a brisk trot, I keeping
+silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was about to
+encounter.
+
+As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual
+silence (for I suppose, I--that is the Indian--was a talkative officer).
+"The lips of the Bahawder are closed," said one. "Where are those birds
+of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned between the
+golden bars of his teeth!"
+
+"Kush," said his companion, "be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen the
+dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword
+reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion who can wear the
+papooshes of the elephant-slayer--it is Bobbachy Bahawder!"
+
+"You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the
+words of the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his
+thoughts."
+
+"Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young birds, his actions, be strong
+and swift in flight."
+
+"May they DIGEST IRON!" said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a wag in
+his way.
+
+"O-ho!" thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. "It was, then,
+the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and he is the
+man destined to stand in my slippers, is he?" and I was at that very
+moment standing in his own! Such are the chances and changes that fall
+to the lot of the soldier!
+
+I suppose everybody--everybody who has been in India, at least--has
+heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two
+Hindustanee words--bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He had
+entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, by his
+merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity of the
+peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen of the first class;
+he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's innumerable daughters: a
+match which, according to the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of
+honor than of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the
+field, it was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive,
+completely subjugated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of
+importance the late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had,
+as it appears, (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash
+in his attack upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate
+Pitan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I
+learned from the attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found out,
+an old favorite with the Bobbachy--doubtless on account of his honesty
+and love of repartee.
+
+"The Bahawder's lips are closed," said he, at last, trotting up to me;
+"has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?"
+
+"Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I; which means, "My good
+friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and fills
+my bosom with the darkest forebodings."
+
+"You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your
+dagger?"
+
+[Here was a pretty conspiracy!] "No, I saw him, but not alone; his
+people were always with him."
+
+"Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree
+(whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon every
+man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a dozen men in
+the garrison, and they have not provision for two days--they must yield;
+and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I am told the soldiers
+who first get in are to have their pick. How my old woman, Rotee Muckun,
+will be surprised when I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,--ha!
+ha!"
+
+"Fool!" said I, "be still!--twelve men in the garrison! there are twelve
+hundred! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and as for food,
+I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing in the court-yard
+as I entered." This WAS a bouncer, I confess; but my object was to
+deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possible of
+the capabilities of defence which the besieged had.
+
+"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of a fortress: we
+shall never be able to take it until our guns come up."
+
+There was hope then! they had no battering-train. Ere this arrived,
+I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and march down to
+rescue us. Thus occupied in thought and conversation, we rode on until
+the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word,
+and we passed on into the centre of Holkar's camp.
+
+It was a strange--a stirring sight! The camp-fires were lighted; and
+round them--eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of the
+dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some Dhol Baut (or Indian
+improvisatore) were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and horses
+were picketed under the banyan-trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was
+growing, and offered them an excellent food. Towards the spot which the
+golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the
+tent of Holkar, led an immense avenue--of elephants! the finest street,
+indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on
+its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian
+matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the
+grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with
+pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, which
+grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We passed down this
+extraordinary avenue--no less than three hundred and eighty-eight
+tails did I count on each side--each tail appertaining to an elephant
+twenty-five feet high--each elephant having a two-storied castle on its
+back--each castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve
+men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof--each
+roof bearing a flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the
+crescent glittering with a thousand gems, and round it the imperial
+standard,--each standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the
+well-known device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of
+the first, a chevron, truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in
+the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, when I come
+to England, to show them to any gentleman who has a curiosity that way.
+Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade passed, and at last we
+arrived at the quarters occupied by Holkar.
+
+That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round
+one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and which he
+occupied during the siege. When I entered the large room where he sat,
+I found him in the midst of a council of war; his chief generals and
+viziers seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common
+way with these black fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner,
+supper, and bedtime. There was such a cloud raised by their smoke you
+could hardly see a yard before you--another piece of good luck for
+me--as it diminished the chances of my detection. When, with the
+ordinary ceremonies, the kitmatgars and consomahs had explained to the
+prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the universe
+(as the ignorant heathens called me), had arrived from his mission,
+Holkar immediately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on
+which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking
+off my slippers, falling on my knees, and beating my head against the
+ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and
+twenty feet through the room, and then up the twenty steps which led to
+his maidaun--a silly, painful, and disgusting ceremony, which can only
+be considered as a relic of barbarian darkness, which tears the knees
+and shins to pieces, let alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who
+goes to India, with the prospect of entering the service of the native
+rajahs, to recollect my advice and have them WELL-WADDED.
+
+Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he
+could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as I have
+said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived within
+speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of
+my mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of
+questions: "How many men are there in the fort?" said he; "how many
+women? Is it victualled? Have they ammunition? Did you see Gahagan
+Sahib, the commander? did you kill him?"
+
+All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of
+tobacco.
+
+Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon
+my honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could perceive
+anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I
+told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could with
+regard to the fort.
+
+"Sir" said I, "to answer your last question first--that dreadful Gujputi
+I have seen--and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in height; he
+can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred at present in the
+compound, and swears that during the siege he will content himself with
+only three a week): he has lost in battle his left eye; and what is
+the consequence? O Ram Gunge" (O thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning
+and-with-beard-as-black-as-night), "Goliah Gujputi--NEVER SLEEPS!"
+
+"Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world)," said the Prince Vizier,
+Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee--"it's joking you are;"--and there was a
+universal buzz through the room at the announcement of this bouncer.
+
+"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu," said I, solemnly,
+(an oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) "I swear that so it
+is: so at least he told me, and I have good cause to know his power.
+Gujputi is an enchanter: he is leagued with devils; he is invulnerable.
+Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger--and every eye turned instantly
+towards me--"thrice did I stab him with this steel--in the back,
+once--twice right through the heart; but he only laughed me to scorn,
+and bade me tell Holkar that the steel was not yet forged which was to
+inflict an injury upon him."
+
+I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this
+somewhat imprudent message.
+
+"Ah, lily-livered rogue!" shouted he out to me, "milk-blooded
+unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy master
+in thy presence! In the name of the prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee,
+abhor thee, degrade thee! Take that, thou liar of the universe! and
+that--and that--and that!"
+
+Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this old
+man said, "Take that," he flung some article near him at the head of
+the undaunted Gahagan--his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly
+ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred
+thousand crores of rupees--finally, his hookah, snake mouthpiece,
+silver-bell, chillum and all--which went hissing over my head, and
+flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand Vizier.
+
+"Yock muzzee! my nose is off;" said the old man, mildly. "Will you have
+my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!" and no other word of complaint
+escaped his lips.
+
+Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as the
+ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar fiercely
+but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or two of the
+musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not
+a single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the unlucky
+wretches who had been the victims of this fit of rage had been removed,
+Holkar's good humor somewhat returned, and he allowed me to continue my
+account of the fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of
+his burst of impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of
+impoliteness to have done for such accidents happened many times in the
+day.
+
+"It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled out the poor Grand
+Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary means of
+defence possessed by the garrison. "Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for
+this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we
+had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the edge of the
+sword."
+
+"But you have no battering train," said I.
+
+"Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to
+blow the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!" said Loll Mahommed,
+a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and contradicted,
+therefore, every word I said. "In the name of Juggernaut, why wait for
+the heavy artillery? Have we not swords? Have we not hearts? Mashallah!
+Let cravens stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed!
+Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah?"* and drawing his scimitar,
+he waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was
+repeated by many of the other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was
+carried into the camp, and caught up by the men; the camels began to
+cry, the horses to prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up
+a scream, the trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments.
+I never heard such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little
+garrison when I heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host!
+
+     * The Major has put the most approved language into the
+     mouths of his Indian characters.  Bismillah, Barikallah, and
+     so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of
+     Eastern conversation.
+
+There was but one way for it. "Sir," said I, addressing Holkar, "go out
+to-night and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has not seen the
+fort as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what? to fall
+before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate,
+and then another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan's garrison in
+the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were I not in your august presence,
+O star of the faithful, I would crop Loll Mahommed's nose from his face,
+and wear his ears as an ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here
+that knows not the difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and
+Gahagan Khan Guj--I mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight
+one, two, three, or twenty of them, at broad-sword, small-sword,
+single-stick, with fists if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is
+like mate and dthrink to Ga--to Bobbachy, I mane--whoop! come on, you
+divvle, and I'll bate the skin off your ugly bones."
+
+This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am agitated,
+I involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to my own
+country; which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as
+to my real character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it was,
+Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll
+Mahommed, however, evidently suspected something, for, as Holkar, with a
+voice of thunder, shouted out, "Tomasha (silence)," Loll sprang forward
+and gasped out--
+
+"My lord! my lord I this is not Bob--"
+
+But he could say no more. "Gag the slave!" screamed out Holkar, stamping
+with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the poor devil's
+jaws. "Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred
+dozen on the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry
+him round the camp, with an inscription before him: 'This is the way
+that Holkar rewards the talkative.'"
+
+I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo falling
+on Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, and thanked
+my stars that I was delivered of this danger.
+
+"Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, "I owe you
+a reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince, O Saadut Alee
+Beg Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut!"
+
+The good old man's eyes filled with tears. "I can bear thy severity, O
+Prince," said he; "I cannot bear thy love. Was it not an honor that your
+Highness did me just now when you condescended to pass over the bridge
+of your slave's nose?"
+
+The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The Vizier
+retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed. Holkar was in high good
+humor.
+
+"Bobbachy," said he, "thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, I have news
+for thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge," (white and red
+rose,) has arrived in camp."
+
+"My WIFE, my lord!" said I, aghast.
+
+"Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; I see thou art wild
+with joy. The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and I know thou
+longest to join her."
+
+My wife? Here was a complication truly!
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE.
+
+
+I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at
+the gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the
+neighborhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before that
+time and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the present
+instance such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced when
+leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery.
+
+As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, some to
+ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs,
+attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the thousand delicacies of
+Eastern life. I motioned them away. "I will wear my armor," said I; "I
+shall go forth to-night; carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve
+that to-night I have not the time to see her. Spread me a couch here,
+and bring me supper here: a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb
+stuffed with pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried
+kid--anything. Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when
+the meal is ready."
+
+I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and hoped to
+be able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her
+curious eyes. After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell
+me that my supper was prepared in the inner apartment of the tent
+(I suppose that the reader, if he be possessed of the commonest
+intelligence, knows that the tents of the Indian grandees are made of
+the finest Cashmere shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at least, with
+carpets, chimneys, and sash-windows complete). I entered, I say, into an
+inner chamber, and there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the
+Oriental fashion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar,
+which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow.
+
+I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most savory
+stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle
+of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung
+open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon faces
+and slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise.
+
+The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her
+attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the complexion
+of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress
+and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow
+chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which was further
+ornamented by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted
+bright red, and a large dab of the same color on her chin, showed she
+was not of the Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith--and of a very high
+caste; you could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously made
+up as to my line of action.
+
+The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they heard
+the well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death to them
+to have remained and looked in her face. The females ranged themselves
+round their mistress, as she squatted down opposite to me.
+
+"And is this," said she, "a welcome, O Khan! after six months' absence,
+for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world? Is this lamb,
+O glutton! half so tender as thy spouse? Is this wine, O sot! half so
+sweet as her looks?"
+
+I saw the storm was brewing--her slaves, to whom she turned, kept up a
+kind of chorus:--
+
+"Oh, the faithless one!" cried they. "Oh, the rascal, the false one, who
+has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the Khanum's!"
+
+"A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely: "but a lamb has a good
+temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman--but a wine-cup
+has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!" and again I dipped my nose in the
+soul-refreshing jar.
+
+The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my repartees;
+she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed
+until I lost all patience.
+
+"Retire, friends," said I, "and leave me in peace."
+
+"Stir, on your peril!" cried the Khanum.
+
+So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my pistols,
+cocked them, and said, "O houris! these pistols contain each two balls:
+the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me--but for you!--by all
+the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment longer
+in my presence!" This was enough; the ladies gave a shriek, and skurried
+out of the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing.
+
+Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather Bobbachy's wife,
+sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which her lord had
+displayed in her presence. I seized her hand and, gripping it close,
+whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol:--"O Khanum,
+listen and scream not; the moment you scream, you die!" She was
+completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman could in her situation,
+and said, "Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb."
+
+"Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which
+had covered almost the whole of my face--"I AM NOT THY HUSBAND--I am the
+slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!"
+
+As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my
+shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I
+formed one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and I
+recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next "Book of Beauty."
+
+"Wretch!" said she, "what wouldst thou?"
+
+"You black-faced fiend," said I, "raise but your voice, and you are
+dead!"
+
+"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that YOU can escape? The
+torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will
+invent for thee."
+
+"Tortures, madam?" answered I, coolly. "Fiddlesticks! You will neither
+betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the contrary, you will
+give me your best jewels and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don't
+grind your teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam : you know this
+dress and these arms;--they are the arms of your husband, Bobbachy
+Bahawder--MY PRISONER. He now lies in yonder fort, and if I do not
+return before daylight, at SUNRISE HE DIES: and then, when they send his
+corpse back to Holkar, what will you, HIS WIDOW, do?"
+
+"Oh!" said she, shuddering, "spare me, spare me!"
+
+"I'll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of dying
+along with him--of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death, from
+which your father cannot save you, to which he will be the first man
+to condemn and conduct you. Ha! I see we understand each other, and you
+will give me over the cash-box and jewels." And so saying I threw myself
+back with the calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her.
+"Light me a pipe, my love," said I, "and then go and hand me over the
+dollars; do you hear?" You see I had her in my power--up a tree, as
+the Americans say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then
+departed for the goods I spoke about.
+
+What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take that
+ride round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost.
+
+My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards, had
+occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned from her
+quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables to the amount
+of about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards,
+but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about to take my
+departure, when a tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard
+at the entrance of the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by
+that cursed Loll Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master
+restored to good humor, and had communicated to him his firm conviction
+that I was an impostor.
+
+"Ho, Begum," shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people could
+not enter the women's apartments), "speak, O my daughter! is your
+husband returned?"
+
+"Speak, madam," said I, "or REMEMBER THE ROASTING."
+
+"He is, papa," said the Begum.
+
+"Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!" (the old ruffian was laughing outside)--"are
+you sure it is?--Ha! aha!--HE-E-E!"
+
+"Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to pass
+no more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever seen the face
+of any other man?" And hereat she began to weep as if her heart would
+break--the deceitful minx!
+
+Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury. "Oh, you liar and eternal
+thief!" said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could only hear)
+to Loll Mahommed, "to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this!
+Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade him
+from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property: and hark ye,
+furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED DOZEN MORE!"
+
+Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my soul.
+
+*****
+
+Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the
+little fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a veil,
+the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his
+form, who carried in his hand a deal box of considerable size. The
+warrior at the gate gave the word and was admitted, the woman returned
+slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge; his was--
+
+G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+FAMINE IN THE GARRISON.
+
+
+Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my
+precious box into my own apartment, which communicated with another,
+where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should
+recover, and to prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of
+the guard. I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much confused
+and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance.
+
+"Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look so pale, fellow?" (he
+was as white as a sheet.) "It is thy master, dost thou not remember
+him?" The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's clothes, but was
+not present when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have
+described.
+
+"O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!" cried the faithful fellow, "and do I
+see my dear master disguised in this way? For heaven's sake let me rid
+you of this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the
+ball-room, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with
+his roses turned into coal?"
+
+I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which
+I write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little vain of
+my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear before my dear
+Belinda disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me
+of the heathenish armor and habiliments which I wore; and having, with
+a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their
+black tinge, I put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait
+on the ladies; hastened, I say,--although delayed would have been the
+better word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours.
+
+"How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?" said I, before leaving my apartment.
+
+"He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and
+myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command)
+has just been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure."
+
+I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my
+exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help informing him
+of its contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post near the
+prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the
+fair creatures under my protection. "What good after all have I
+done," thought I to myself, "in this expedition which I had so rashly
+undertaken?" I had seen the renowned Holkar, I had been in the heart of
+his camp; I knew the disposition of his troops, that there were eleven
+thousand of them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a regular
+attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say
+ROBBED her, and I don't care what the reader or any other man may think
+of the act) of a deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three
+millions sterling, the property of herself and husband.
+
+Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money and
+jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat
+a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her
+tea? Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would
+digest anything--(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a
+famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe,
+as well as the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from
+either,)--could I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of
+rupees, or a dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of
+Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its
+weight in carats for a good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth,
+what art thou? What is gold?--Soft metal. What are diamonds?--Shining
+tinsel. The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the sole
+objects worthy of a soldier's consideration, are beefsteaks, gunpowder,
+and cold iron.
+
+The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own
+apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with
+a candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery
+(4 long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for
+grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assaye), and muskets
+for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the reader in a
+previous number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon; add
+to these my guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in
+tights, powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely
+for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege). Such were our
+numbers:--
+
+     Ladies                       74
+     Troops and artillerymen      40
+     Other non-combatants         11
+     MAJOR-GEN. O'G. GAHAGAN    1000
+                                ----
+                               1,125
+
+I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the
+army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an
+ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths;
+as combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort,
+against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if--
+
+IF!--ay, there was the rub--IF we had SHOT, as well as powder for our
+guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT. Of the former commodity we had
+only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honor,
+to feed 126 souls, we had but
+
+     Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
+     Of soda-water, four ditto.
+     Two bottles of fine Spanish olives.
+     Raspberry cream--the remainder of two dishes.
+     Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle.
+     Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
+     Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust
+     of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins.
+     Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles
+     of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple
+     of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil.
+
+This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after supper had
+seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried off from the
+table; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on
+my return, taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and
+treasure what little sustenance still remained in it.
+
+When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not
+only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom, which was
+of the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you never behold
+such a sight as that which presented itself: eighty-three men and women
+in ball-dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming
+over their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged
+rouge, blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins--each more
+desperately melancholy and hideous than the other--each, except my
+beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl,
+could of course never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily,
+could, as it may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and
+beauteous arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and
+therefore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder
+had come off. Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes
+as I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses
+mantled in her cheek! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened
+their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions, regarding my
+adventures in the camp--SHE, as she saw me, gave a faint scream, (the
+sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat of a woman!)
+then started up--then made as if she would sit down--then moved
+backwards--then tottered forwards--then tumbled into my--Psha! why
+recall, why attempt to describe that delicious--that passionate greeting
+of two young hearts? What was the surrounding crowd to US? What cared we
+for the sneers of the men, the titters of the jealous women, the shrill
+"Upon my word!" of the elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations
+of Belinda's mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms.
+"Goliah! my Goliah!" said she, "my brave, my beautiful, THOU art
+returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh! who can tell the anguish
+of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night!" Other similar
+ejaculations of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD perilled life
+in her service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there was none, so
+exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in this
+overwhelming joy!
+
+*****
+
+[The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very
+most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been
+compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole passage, though
+highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the
+reader.]
+
+*****
+
+As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were
+giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round
+with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can
+sometimes put on, I shouted out, "Hark ye men and women--I am this
+lady's truest knight--her husband I hope one day to be. I am
+commander, too, in this fort--the enemy is without it; another word of
+mockery--another glance of scorn--and, by heaven, I will hurl every man
+and woman from the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar!" This
+quieted them. I am a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked
+disrespectfully from that moment.
+
+It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish. Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy
+(whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who has
+been in India) cried, "Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so
+pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the
+ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast." And Mrs. Van giggled
+as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. "Oh! breakfast,
+breakfast by all means," said the rest; "we really are dying for a warm
+cup of tea."
+
+"Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies?" says I.
+
+"Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat Mrs. Van.
+
+"What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?" Of course they said it
+was the very thing.
+
+"And do you like hot rowls or cowld--muffins or crumpets--fresh
+butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant
+divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys,
+and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?"
+
+"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," answered they all.
+
+"But stop," says I. "O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, that
+you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been
+without--"
+
+"What?" said they, in a breath.
+
+"Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole
+house."
+
+"Well, well, we can do without it."
+
+"Or a single pound of coffee."
+
+"Never mind; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning
+to look alarmed.)
+
+"And about the kidneys--now I remember, the black divvles outside the
+fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys
+without them?" (Here there was a slight o--o--o!)
+
+"And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the
+cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or
+love: but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just
+as good."
+
+"Oh! just as good."
+
+"Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had--no,
+nor a fresh chicken," continued I, "nor a stale one either; nor a
+tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste
+in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!"
+
+"In the name of heaven!" said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, "what is
+there, then?"
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now," shouted I.
+"There's
+
+     "Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c.
+
+And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the
+ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly.
+
+"Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, "give me the
+ham-sandwiches--I must manage to breakfast off them."
+
+And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest
+proposition! Of course I did not accede to it--why should I? I was the
+commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very sandwiches
+for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. "Ladies," said I, "there are
+in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this is all the food
+which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none--of drink there
+is a tolerable quantity; and at one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine
+and one olive shall be served out to each woman: the men will receive
+two glasses, and an olive and a fig--and this must be your food during
+the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and if he
+be--why, still there is a chance--why do I say a chance?--a CERTAINTY of
+escaping from the hands of these ruffians."
+
+"Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!" screeched the whole covey
+at a breath.
+
+"It lies," answered I, "in the POWDER MAGAZINE. I will blow this fort,
+and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of Holkar."
+
+The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in
+Holkar's camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear Belinda
+whispered in my ear, "Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my
+heart's Goliah!" I felt I was right: I could have blown her up twenty
+times for the luxury of that single moment! "And now, ladies," said I,
+"I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer
+professional consolation--the other gentlemen will follow me up stairs
+to the ramparts, where I shall find plenty of work for them."
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE ESCAPE.
+
+
+Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey,
+and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded
+to review my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in command of
+Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may be
+seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair of honor); and
+the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing
+to kill him, had been left in charge of that officer. Three of the
+garrison (one of them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own
+body-servant, Ghorumsaug above named,) were appointed to watch the
+captive by turns, and never leave him out of their sight. The lieutenant
+was instructed to look to them and to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy
+was severely injured by the blow which I had given him, and was,
+moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I
+considered myself sure of his person.
+
+Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little
+force, and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not
+surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but
+desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him,
+and ordered him to appear immediately.
+
+The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered some
+information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten to the
+apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined.
+
+The men had fled;--Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my
+astonishment when I found--with a rope cutting his naturally wide
+mouth almost into his ears--with a dreadful sabre-cut across his
+forehead--with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied between
+his legs--my unhappy, my attached friend--Mortimer Macgillicuddy!
+
+He had been in this position for about three hours--it was the very
+position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed--an
+attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape
+impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner.
+
+I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured half a
+bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his mouth, and
+when he had been released, he informed me of the circumstances that had
+taken place.
+
+Fool that I was! idiot!--upon my return to the fort, to have been
+anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple
+of hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and
+complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner--when his escape
+would have been prevented. O foppery, foppery!--it was that cursed love
+of personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty to my general,
+my country, my monarch, and my own honor!
+
+Thus it was that the escape took place:--My own fellow of the
+Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the operation to
+my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and
+removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken from the back of the
+prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?--Why, he
+carried back the dress to the Bobbachy--he put it, once more, on its
+right owner; he and his infernal black companions (who had been won over
+by the Bobbachy with promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy,
+who was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to
+the outer gate, and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself,
+who had first come in, and was as likely to go out again,--(indeed my
+rascally valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him
+and his two companions to reconnoitre,)--opened the gates, and off they
+went!
+
+This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!--and
+for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE
+ROUNDS;--he HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this
+cruel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been
+on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I had changed
+the guard at the gate (whom they had won over likewise); and yet,
+although they had overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for
+the start, they had positively no means for effecting their escape,
+until I was ass enough to put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice
+besotted fool that I was, to think of my own silly person when I should
+have been occupied solely with my public duty.
+
+From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from the
+effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him, and from
+my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. A sudden and
+painful thought struck me--my precious box!--I rushed back, I found that
+box--I have it still. Opening it, there, where I had left ingots, sacks
+of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, strings of diamonds as big as
+ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings
+of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes--I
+found--a piece of paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language,
+which are thus, word for word, translated:
+
+                         "EPIGRAM.
+
+             "(On disappointing a certain Major.)
+
+          "The conquering Lion return'd with his prey,
+           And safe in his cavern he set it,
+           The sly little fox stole the booty away;
+           And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
+           'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'"
+
+Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. I
+stamped,--I swore,--I don't know to what insane lengths my rage might
+have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming,
+"The enemy, the enemy!"
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE CAPTIVE.
+
+
+It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving my
+sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I at once
+frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that
+flamingo-plume floating in the breeze--that awful figure standing in the
+breach--that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky--well, I say, they
+knew the name of the humble individual who owned the sword, the plume,
+and the figure. The ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry behind.
+The flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos,
+and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a strange,
+barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries,
+were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the
+orders of Holkar.
+
+You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does on
+a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the Burrumpooter
+river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide,
+so that I had no fear about them attacking me in THAT quarter. My guns,
+therefore (with their six-and-thirty miserable charges of shot) were
+dragged round to the point at which I conceived Holkar would be most
+likely to attack me. I was in a situation that I did not dare to fire,
+except at such times as I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge
+of a cannon; so the attacking party marched and marched, very strongly,
+about a mile and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving
+the slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four hundred
+yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness,
+through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never would
+have ventured so near). At that distance--it was about the spot where
+the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise--the invading force stopped;
+the elephants drew up in a line, at right angles with our wall (the
+fools! they thought they should expose themselves too much by taking a
+position parallel to it); the cavalry halted too, and--after the deuce's
+own flourish of trumpets and banging of gongs, to be sure,--somebody, in
+a flame-colored satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree
+(that looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet),
+got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a
+speech.
+
+The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable
+precision, about three hundred of them. The following little diagram
+will explain matters:--
+
+                                       __G
+                                      |
+           ....................       |
+                    E                 |
+                                      |
+                                      |
+                                      | F
+
+E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in the
+fort. NOW the reader will see what I did.
+
+The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro gracefully
+before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun
+G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself;
+bang! it went, and what was the consequence? Why, this:--
+
+                    X
+           ____________________       |__G
+           ....................       |
+                    E                 |
+                                      |
+                                      |
+                                      | F
+
+F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the elephants, as
+we have previously seen them. What then is X? X IS THE LINE TAKEN BY THE
+BALL FIRED FROM G, which took off ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR elephants'
+trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that
+stood the hundred and thirty-fifth.
+
+I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun
+was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, and
+contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal? An
+ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his mark, and what
+would have been the consequence? Why, that the ball might have killed
+two elephants and wounded a third; but here, probably, it would have
+stopped, and done no further mischief. The TRUNK was the place at which
+to aim; there are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the
+bullet, shearing, as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five
+probosces. Heavens! what a howl there was when the shot took effect!
+What a sudden stoppage of Holkar's speech! What a hideous snorting of
+elephants! What a rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some
+demon was pursuing them!
+
+Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, rushing
+forward myself, I shouted to my men, "My friends, yonder lies your
+dinner!" We flung open the gates--we tore down to the spot where the
+elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that
+escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their
+trunks behind them. A great quantity of them we seized; and I myself,
+cutting up with my scimitar a couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher
+would a calf, motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort,
+where barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of
+the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had
+promised to my female friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved
+for the ladies was a young white one--the fattest and tenderest I
+ever ate, in my life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has
+an India-rubber flavor, which, until one is accustomed to it, is
+unpalatable.
+
+It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence on
+the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had forced their
+way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the garrison
+larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine,
+which were locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a sentinel.
+Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind
+to eat HER. However, we made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued
+steaks, and when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing that
+there was enough for one meal more.
+
+The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force,
+attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my good
+sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and
+the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy
+sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when
+another attack was made, what were we to do? We had still a little
+powder left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron-bars, &c. in
+the garrison! On this day, too, we devoured the last morsel of our food:
+I shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I
+saw her sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the little
+white elephant's roasted tail.
+
+The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are never
+at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I discovered charges
+sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but
+had bores of about blunderbuss size.
+
+This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader may
+remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. The poor
+wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and
+came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindustan jargon.
+Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who picked off every one of
+our men who showed their noses above the ramparts: and a great host of
+blackamoors with scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines,
+gabions, culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other
+appurtenances of offensive war.
+
+On they came: my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask how my
+pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were without food,
+I knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the
+two guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into each
+swivel.
+
+They advanced,--whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,--bang! went the
+other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first contact with an
+opposing body, they certainly floored it but they became at once like so
+much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they struck
+down.
+
+"Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine
+Imaums!)" shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the
+failure of my shot. "Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has no
+more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who
+brings me Gahagan's head!"
+
+His men set up a shout, and rushed forward--he, to do him justice, was
+at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and poking them
+with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the hill: I was
+black with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair.
+"Macgillicuddy," said I, calling that faithful officer, "you know where
+the barrels of powder are?" He did. "You know the use to make of them?"
+He did. He grasped my hand. "Goliah," said he, "farewell! I swear that
+the fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried
+it. Oh, my poor mother!" added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet
+fearless, he retired to his post.
+
+I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then,
+stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels;--a shower of
+matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them.
+
+I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, and
+his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. Loll
+was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I
+fired--bang! ! !
+
+I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives were
+lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. The wretch,
+uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back
+dead; the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran--the whole
+host ran as one man: their screams might be heard for leagues. "Tomasha,
+tomasha," they cried, "it is enchantment!" Away they fled, and the
+victory a third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back
+to my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot
+hunger in the thought of once more beholding HER!
+
+The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, and
+almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which caused in her
+bosom an emotion so strong--it was hunger! "Oh! my Goliah," whispered
+she, "for three days I have not tasted food--I could not eat that horrid
+elephant yesterday; but now--oh! heaven! . . . ." She could say no
+more, but sank almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered to her a
+trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a moment, and then rushed
+down stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, she
+should still have something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered
+that three or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been
+killed by us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought
+I, has no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get
+something better.
+
+I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part,
+assembled. "Men," said I, "our larder is empty; we must fill it as we
+did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a foraging
+party?" I expected that, as on former occasions, every man would offer
+to accompany me.
+
+To my astonishment, not a soul moved--a murmur arose among the troops;
+and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward.
+
+"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants for
+ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the fort when
+the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now as then,
+and we won't go elephant-hunting any more."
+
+"Ruffian!" I said, "he who first talks of surrender, dies!" and I cut
+him down. "Is there any one else who wishes to speak?"
+
+No one stirred.
+
+"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what, you dare not move for
+fear of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled before
+your arms--what, do I say YOUR arms?--before MINE!--alone I did it; and
+as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress! Ho! open
+the gate!"
+
+I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the elephants
+that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had fallen, about
+four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very
+steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the animals, choosing
+a tolerably small and plump one, of about thirteen feet high, which the
+vultures had respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and made
+for the fort.
+
+As I marched up the acclivity, whiz--piff--whir! came the balls over
+my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the body of the
+elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and
+quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse: they came nearer,
+nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort--seventy--fifty!
+I strained every nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion--I
+ran--could a man run very fast with such a tremendous weight on his
+shoulders?
+
+Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my
+tail. O heaven! five yards more--one moment--and I am saved! It is
+done--I strain the last strain--I make the last step--I fling forward my
+precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and--I
+fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE OUTSIDE! Fifty knives
+are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes--fifty black hands are at my
+throat, when a voice exclaims, "Stop!--kill him not, it is Gujputi!" A
+film came over my eyes--exhausted nature would bear no more.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR.
+
+
+When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found myself in
+a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor
+(whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an
+air of sagacity.
+
+"Where am I?" I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange
+faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. "Bekhusm!" said the
+apothecary. "Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of those who know
+his valor, and will save his life."
+
+"Know my valor, slave? Of course you do," said I; "but the fort--the
+garrison--the elephant--Belinda, my love--my darling--Macgillicuddy--the
+scoundrelly mutineers--the deal bo-- . . . ."
+
+I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily upon
+my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. I fainted
+again, and I know not how long I lay insensible.
+
+Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied restoratives,
+and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much refreshed. I had no
+wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they
+might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill
+a quarter of a mile in length. Walking, the task is bad enough: but
+running, it is the deuce; and I would recommend any of my readers who
+may be disposed to try and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account,
+to go a pace of more than five miles an hour.
+
+Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door
+(plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single old
+gentleman, richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I
+had surely seen him before. No--yes--no--yes--it WAS he: the snowy white
+beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, and level with the
+rest of the venerable face, proclaimed him at once to be--Saadut Alee
+Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime vizier; whose nose, as the reader
+may recollect, his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my
+interview with him in the Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too
+well--I was in the hands of Holkar.
+
+Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a mild
+air of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he was torn
+to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference with
+Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said,
+"Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceitful, valor is
+unavailing, fame is only wind--the nightingale sings of the rose all
+night--where is the rose in the morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by
+a frost. The rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is
+that delightful song-bird? Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted,
+and roasted! Who knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan
+Gujputi!"
+
+"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. "Gahagan
+Gujputi will bear it like a man."
+
+"No doubt--like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so long
+to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which there comes
+not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry spring-time--grief is
+often succeeded by joy."
+
+"Interpret, O riddler!" said I; "Gahagan Khan is no reader of
+puzzles--no prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords."
+
+"Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power."
+
+"I know it."
+
+"You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning."
+
+"I dare say."
+
+"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your fingers,
+and your eyes from your head."
+
+"Very possibly."
+
+"They will flay you alive, and then burn you."
+
+"Well; they can't do any more."
+
+"They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,"--it was not
+then taken!--"and repeat upon them the same tortures."
+
+"Ha! Belinda! Speak--how can all this be avoided?"
+
+"Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda."
+
+"He does, Vizier, to distraction."
+
+"Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?"
+
+"A captain."
+
+"A miserable captain--oh shame! Of what creed is he?"
+
+"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic."
+
+"But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?"
+
+"Alas, no."
+
+"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?"
+
+"'Tis too true."
+
+"Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me to
+thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife--your second wife, that
+is;--the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves you to
+madness;--with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have the wealth
+and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to get rid.
+You shall be second in command of his Highness's forces. Look, here
+is his commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the
+sacred names of the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce your
+religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours."
+
+He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it was
+beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years, but a
+rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth, and washed
+off every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and said, "This is a
+tempting offer. O Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it?"
+
+After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to give
+him an answer. My mind, however, was made up--as soon as he was gone, I
+threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep.
+
+*****
+
+At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were with
+him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I
+did not recognize. It was about midnight.
+
+"Have you considered?" said the Vizier as he came to my couch.
+
+"I have," said I, sitting up,--I could not stand, for my legs were tied,
+and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. "I have," said I,
+"unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert a Christian gentleman
+from his faith and honor? Ruffian blackamoors! do your worst; heap
+tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear me to pieces: after
+you have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it;
+and if I did, if each torture could last a life, if each limb were
+to feel the agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear
+all--all--all--all--all--ALL!" My breast heaved--my form dilated--my eye
+flashed as I spoke these words. "Tyrants!" said I, "dulce et decorum est
+pro patria mori." Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent.
+
+The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down his
+cheeks.
+
+"What a constancy," said he. "Oh, that such beauty and such bravery
+should be doomed so soon to quit the earth!"
+
+His tall companion only sneered and said, "AND BELINDA--?"
+
+"Ha!" said I, "ruffian, be still!--heaven will protect her spotless
+innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too! Who, with his
+single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain
+thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants? Three
+hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of these I slew one hundred
+and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates
+thee, spurns thee, spits on thee!"
+
+Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of rage,
+and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once (it was
+the very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward, and
+seizing his arm, cried--
+
+"Papa! oh, save him!" It was Puttee Rooge! "Remember," continued she,
+"his misfortunes--remember, oh, remember my--love!"--and here she
+blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging down her
+head, looked the very picture of modest affection.
+
+Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, "'Tis better as it
+is; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. None of this
+shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge," continued the tyrant, dragging her
+away. "Captain Gahagan dies three hours from hence." Puttee Rooge
+gave one scream and fainted--her father and the Vizier carried her off
+between them; nor was I loth to part with her, for, with all her love,
+she was as ugly as the deuce.
+
+They were gone--my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of life:
+so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As it
+may happen to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and to be
+hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan
+of going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found to be
+successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal
+of unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man the coming
+catastrophe.
+
+*****
+
+Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance in
+the heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to conduct
+me to the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the
+very white donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the camp
+after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to
+his rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all sides; my ass
+was conducted by the common executioner: a crier went forward, shouting
+out, "Make way for the destroyer of the faithful--he goes to bear the
+punishment of his crimes." We came to the fatal plain: it was the very
+spot whence I had borne away the elephant, and in full sight of the
+fort. I looked towards it. Thank heaven! King George's banner waved on
+it still--a crowd were gathered on the walls--the men, the dastards
+who had deserted me--and women, too. Among the latter I thought I
+distinguished ONE who--O gods! the thought turned me sick--I trembled
+and looked pale for the first time.
+
+"He trembles! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously
+exulting over his conquered enemy.
+
+"Dog!" shouted I--(I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail, and
+so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)--"not so pale as you looked
+when I felled you with this arm--not so pale as your women looked when
+I entered your harem!" Completely chop-fallen, the Indian ruffian was
+silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM.
+
+We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet thick
+and eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake, about seven
+feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two
+fetters; in these my wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood
+near, with strange-looking instruments: others were blowing at a fire,
+over which was a caldron, and in the embers were stuck other prongs and
+instruments of iron.
+
+The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in effect
+as that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the Grand
+Vizier. I confess I was too agitated to catch every word that was
+spoken.
+
+Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The
+Grand Vizier came up to me--it was his duty to stand by, and see the
+punishment performed. "It is yet time!" said he.
+
+I nodded my head, but did not answer.
+
+The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a
+voice choking with emotion, said, "EXECUTIONER--DO--YOUR--DUTY!"
+
+The horrid man advanced--he whispered sulkily in the ears of the Grand
+Vizier, "Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree," said he, "the oil does not boil
+yet--wait one minute." The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil was
+heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside: taking a large ladle full of
+the boiling liquid, he advanced--
+
+*****
+
+"Whish! bang, bang! pop!" the executioner was dead at my feet, shot
+through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face
+of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. "Whish!
+bang! pop! Hurrah!--charge!--forwards!--cut them down!--no quarter!"
+
+I saw--yes, no, yes, no, yes!--I saw regiment upon regiment of galloping
+British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives. First of
+the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On came the
+gallant line of black steeds and horsemen, swift, swift before them rode
+my officers in yellow--Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres
+gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air. "D--- them!" they
+cried, "give it them, boys!" A strength supernatural thrilled through my
+veins at that delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I wrested the
+post from its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not release
+my hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam tightly,
+I sprung forward--with one blow I levelled the five executioners in the
+midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can; with the
+next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off their legs; with
+the third, I caught that chief himself in the small of the back, and
+sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers!
+
+The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick leading
+on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had swept far
+away. We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes
+afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found me
+sitting on it.
+
+"Look at Gahagan," said his lordship. "Gentlemen, did I not tell you we
+should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?"
+
+The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF
+FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of November,
+1804.
+
+*****
+
+About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in the
+Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:--"Married, on the 25th of
+December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady
+Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Abmednuggar, to Belinda,
+second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the
+Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride; and after a splendid dejeune,
+the happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus
+must recollect, however, that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side. The
+Irregulars are nothing without their leader."
+
+Such was the paragraph--such the event--the happiest in the existence of
+
+G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+
+
+
+A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG.
+
+
+It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that bathes
+its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as now, by a few
+rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers, and funguses,
+and creeping ivy. No, no! where the ivy now clusters there grew strong
+portcullis and bars of steel; where the wallflower now quivers in the
+rampart there were silken banners embroidered with wonderful heraldry;
+men-at-arms marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a
+hideous black champignon; and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant
+me there were ladies and knights to revel in the great halls, and
+to feast, and to dance, and to make love there. They are passed
+away:--those old knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to
+silver, and then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their
+elegant legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and
+gouty, and then, from being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to
+bare bone-shanks; the roses left their cheeks, and then their cheeks
+disappeared, and left their skulls, and then their skulls powdered into
+dust, and all sign of them was gone. And as it was with them, so shall
+it be with us. Ho, seneschal! fill me a cup of liquor! put sugar in it,
+good fellow--yea, and a little hot water; a very little, for my soul is
+sad, as I think of those days and knights of old.
+
+They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?--gone?--nay,
+not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of them as they
+walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining faintly in their coats
+of steel, wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long-tailed
+gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them
+still in the far-off Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions
+as they hasten to battle or tourney--and the dim echoes of their lutes
+chanting of love and fair ladies! Gracious privilege of poesy! It is as
+the Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures
+that to the sight of donkeys are invisible. Blessed treasures of fancy!
+I would not change ye--no, not for many donkey-loads of gold. . . . Fill
+again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me up the produce on the
+hostel door--surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the wondrous
+liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and princesses look blandly
+down on us from the cloudy perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what
+year the fairies left the Rhine?--long before Murray's "Guide-Book"
+was wrote--long before squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came
+paddling down the stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the
+appearance of eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne
+as a wonder? Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied
+by their ladies'-maids. But of them we will say no more--let us back to
+those who went before them.
+
+Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when
+chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon the
+banks of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, and hence
+must be positively true. 'Tis a story of knights and ladies--of love
+and battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes and noble lords,
+moreover: the best of company. Gentles, an ye will, ye shall hear it.
+Fair dames and damsels, may your loves be as happy as those of the
+heroine of this romaunt.
+
+On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in the
+year previously indicated, such travellers as might have chanced to
+be abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer
+journeying on the road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not
+tall in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and Time, which
+had browned and furrowed his cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray,
+declared pretty clearly that He must have been acquainted with the
+warrior for some fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a
+powerful and active battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had
+come that day was long and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his
+armor and luggage, with seeming ease. As it was in a friend's country,
+the knight did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet,
+which hung at his saddlebow over his portmanteau. Both were marked with
+the coronet of a count; and from the crown which surmounted the helmet,
+rose the crest of his knightly race, an arm proper lifting a naked
+sword.
+
+At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior's grasp, hung his
+mangonel or mace--a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains of
+many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest there
+fell the triangular shield of the period, whereon were emblazoned his
+arms--argent, a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second: the
+latter device was awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, by the
+Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the German Peerage of that day,
+or a knowledge of high families which every gentleman then possessed,
+would have sufficed to show at once that the rider we have described was
+of the noble house of Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir
+Ludwig of Hombourg: his rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor
+of Austria, was marked by the cap of maintenance with the peacock's
+feather which he wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely
+blood was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a very
+meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, as it is known,
+in the middle ages, none but princes were justified in using. A bag,
+fastened with a brazen padlock, and made of the costly produce of
+the Persian looms (then extremely rare in Europe), told that he had
+travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, was evident from the inscription
+writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the bag. It first ran "Count
+Ludwig de Hombourg, Jerusalem;" but the name of the Holy City had been
+dashed out with the pen, and that of "Godesberg" substituted. So far
+indeed had the cavalier travelled!--and it is needless to state that the
+bag in question contained such remaining articles of the toilet as the
+high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place in his valise.
+
+"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!" said the good knight, shivering,
+"'tis colder here than at Damascus! Marry, I am so hungry I could eat
+one of Saladin's camels. Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner?"
+And taking out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his
+embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by finding that it
+was but seven of the night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the
+warder had sounded the second gong.
+
+His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which could
+trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to this famous
+castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome signal which
+told that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg,
+were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight o'clock. Crowds
+of pages and horse-keepers were in the court, when, the portcullis being
+raised, and amidst the respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most
+ancient friend of the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard.
+The under-butler stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. "Welcome, Sir
+Count, from the Holy Land!" exclaimed the faithful old man. "Welcome,
+Sir Count, from the Holy Land!" cried the rest of the servants in the
+hall. A stable was speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst,
+and it was not before the gallant soldier had seen that true animal well
+cared for, that he entered the castle itself, and was conducted to his
+chamber. Wax-candles burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china
+vases, every variety of soap, and a flask of the precious essence
+manufactured at the neighboring city of Cologne, were displayed on his
+toilet-table; a cheering fire "crackled on the hearth," and showed
+that the good knight's coming had been looked and cared for. The
+serving-maidens, bringing him hot water for his ablutions, smiling
+asked, "Would he have his couch warmed at eve?" One might have been sure
+from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an arch reply. The
+family tonsor came to know whether the noble Count had need of his
+skill. "By Saint Bugo," said the knight, as seated in an easy settle
+by the fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and
+lightly passed the tongs and pomatum through "the sable silver" of his
+hair,--"By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand Cairo.
+How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady countess, his mother;
+and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother-in-arms?"
+
+"They are well," said the tonsor, with a sigh.
+
+"By Saint Bugo, I'm glad on't; but why that sigh?"
+
+"Things are not as they have been with my good lord," answered the
+hairdresser, "ever since Count Gottfried's arrival."
+
+"He here!" roared Sir Ludwig. "Good never came where Gottfried was!"
+and the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed admirably the
+proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the
+spotless vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa, which was
+the fitting costume for "knight in ladye's bower," the knight entered
+into a conversation with the barber, who explained to him, with the
+usual garrulousness of his tribe, what was the present position of the
+noble family of Godesberg.
+
+This will be narrated in the next chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE GODESBERGERS.
+
+
+'Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg
+found in the bosom of his friend's family a cordial welcome. The
+brother-in-arms of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the
+Margravine, the exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and (albeit no
+theologian, and although the first princes of Christendom coveted such
+an honor,) he was selected to stand as sponsor for the Margrave's son
+Otto, the only child of his house.
+
+It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been united:
+and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more than one
+child, it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and that surely
+never lighted on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Ludwig,
+hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved godchild, he had
+left him a boy; he now found him, as the latter rushed into his arms,
+grown to be one of the finest young men in Germany: tall and excessively
+graceful in proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his
+cheek, that was likewise adorned with the first down of manhood, and
+with magnificent golden ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling
+over his brow and his shoulders. His eyes alternately beamed with the
+fire of daring, or melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well
+might a mother be proud of such a boy. Well might the brave Ludwig
+exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his breast, "By St. Bugo of
+Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion's
+grenadiers!" and it was the fact: the "Childe" of Godesberg measured six
+feet three.
+
+He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple attire
+of the nobleman of the period--and his costume a good deal resembled
+that of the old knight whose toilet we have just described; with the
+difference of color, however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of
+Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of carved and
+embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leggings, were of the stuff of
+Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard argosies at an immense price from
+China. The neighboring country of Holland had supplied his wrists and
+bosom with the most costly laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat
+placed on one side of his head, ornamented with a single flower,
+(that brilliant one, the tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather's
+dressing-room, and warned him that the banquet was ready.
+
+It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady
+Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation; for
+she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid fish now
+smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for herself, but for her
+lord's sake. "Godesberg," whispered she to Count Ludwig, as trembling
+on his arm they descended from the drawing-room, "Godesberg is sadly
+changed of late."
+
+"By St. Bugo!" said the burly knight, starting, "these are the very
+words the barber spake."
+
+The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen. For
+some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much occupied in
+ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves' head of which the
+delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay,
+marry, and in eating them, too,) to look at his brother-in-arms at the
+bottom of the table, where he sat with his son on his left hand, and the
+Baron Gottfried on his right.
+
+The Margrave was INDEED changed. "By St. Bugo," whispered Ludwig to the
+Countess, "your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been wounded o'
+the head." Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The
+soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig remarked that the
+Margrave sent all away untasted.
+
+"The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg," said the Margrave
+gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to drink! how
+different was this from the old times!
+
+But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to hand
+round the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party, and to
+fill young Otto's goblet, (which the latter held up with the eagerness
+of youth,) the Margrave's rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son; he
+dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest: and giving him three or four
+heavy blows which would have knocked down a bonassus, but only caused
+the young Childe to blush: "YOU take wine!" roared out the Margrave;
+"YOU dare to help yourself! Who time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help
+yourself?" and the terrible blows were reiterated over the delicate ears
+of the boy.
+
+"Ludwig! Ludwig!" shrieked the Margravine.
+
+"Hold your prate, madam," roared the Prince. "By St. Buffo, mayn't a
+father beat his own child?"
+
+"HIS OWN CHILD!" repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a shriek of
+indescribable agony. "Ah, what did I say?"
+
+Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the Margrave's
+right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much agitated by the
+recent conflict to wear any expression but that of extreme discomfiture;
+but the poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red almost as
+the lobster which flanked the turbot before her.
+
+In those rude old times, 'tis known such table quarrels were by no
+means unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen
+the Margrave cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or empty a
+sauce-boat in the direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one
+of the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend, and wisely
+determined to change the converse.
+
+"How is my friend," said he, "the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?"
+
+"By Saint Buffo, this is too much!" screamed the Margrave, and actually
+rushed from time room.
+
+"By Saint Bugo," said his friend, "gallant knights, gentle sirs, what
+ails my good Lord Margave?"
+
+"Perhaps his nose bleeds," said Gottfried, with a sneer.
+
+"Ah, my kind friend," said the Margravine with uncontrollable emotion,
+"I fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into the fire." And
+making the signal of departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to
+coffee in the drawing-room.
+
+The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected than he
+had been. "Otto," he said sternly, "go join the ladies: it becomes not a
+young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights after dinner."
+The noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room, and the
+Margrave, taking his lady's place at the head of the table, whispered
+to Sir Ludwig, "Hildebrandt will be here to-night to an evening-party,
+given in honor of your return from Palestine. My good friend--my true
+friend--my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see that
+the fiddlers be not drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready." Sir
+Gottfried, obsequiously taking his patron's hint, bowed and left the
+room.
+
+"You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig," said the Margrave, with a
+heart-rending look. "You marked Gottfried, who left the room anon?"
+
+"I did."
+
+"You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee, Ludwig,
+that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend. Why should
+he not be! He is my near relation, heir to my property: should I" (here
+the Margrave's countenance assumed its former expression of excruciating
+agony),--"SHOULD I HAVE NO SON."
+
+"But I never saw the boy in better health," replied Sir Ludwig.
+
+"Nevertheless,--ha! ha!--it may chance that I shall soon have no son."
+
+The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir
+Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather
+deeply. He proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern
+soldier of those days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the
+punch-bowl: and many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria
+with lion-hearted Richard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of Bouillon; nay,
+with the dauntless Saladin himself.
+
+"You knew Gottfried in Palestine?" asked the Margrave.
+
+"I did."
+
+"Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with the
+warm grasp of friendship? It is not because Sir Gottfried is poor? You
+know well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my early friend!"
+
+"I care not for his race nor for his poverty," replied the blunt
+crusader. "What says the Minnesinger? 'Marry, that the rank is but the
+stamp of the guinea; the man is the gold.' And I tell thee, Karl of
+Godesberg, that yonder Gottfried is base metal."
+
+"By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig."
+
+"By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow was known i' the camp
+of the crusaders--disreputably known. Ere he joined us in Palestine, he
+had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He
+is a cogger of dice, I tell thee--a chanter of horseflesh. He won
+five thousand marks from bluff Richard of England the night before the
+storming of Ascalon, and I caught him with false trumps in his pocket.
+He warranted a bay mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had
+fired her."
+
+"Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?" cried Sir Karl, knitting his
+brows. "Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other
+but Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to
+chine."
+
+"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir
+Gottfried's body--not on thine, old brother-in-arms. And to do the knave
+justice, he is a good lance. Holy Bugo! but he did good service at Acre!
+But his character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was dismissed
+the army; nor even allowed to sell his captain's commission."
+
+"I have heard of it," said the Margrave; "Gottfried hath told me of it.
+'Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup--a mere silly jape,
+believe me. Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board.
+Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black bottle at the
+county's head. Hence his dismission and abrupt return. But you know
+not," continued the Margrave, with a heavy sigh, "of what use that
+worthy Gottfried has been to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me."
+
+"Not YET," answered Hombourg, satirically.
+
+"By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable traitor!--a
+nest of traitors. Hildebranndt is a traitor--Otto is a traitor--and
+Theodora (O heaven!) she--she is ANOTHER." The old Prince burst into
+tears at the word, and was almost choked with emotion.
+
+"What means this passion, dear friend?" cried Sir Ludwig, seriously
+alarmed.
+
+"Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark Hildebrandt
+and OTTO together. Like, like I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints,
+that I should be born to suffer this!--to have all my affections
+wrenched out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age! But, hark!
+the guests are arriving. An ye will not empty another flask of claret,
+let us join the ladyes i' the withdrawing chamber. When there, mark
+HILDEBRANDT AND OTTO!"
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE FESTIVAL.
+
+
+The festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, or in their
+caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in the
+grand saloon of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to receive
+them. Servitors, in rich liveries, (they were attired in doublets of the
+sky-blue broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit--the
+colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore about various refreshments
+on trays of silver--cakes, baked in the oven, and swimming in melted
+butter; manchets of bread, smeared with the same delicious condiment,
+and carved so thin that you might have expected them to take wing and
+fly to the ceiling; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his
+excursion into Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce,
+circulated amidst the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the
+guests. The Margrave's gloom was unheeded by them--how little indeed is
+the smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts
+of those who bid them to the feast! The Margravine was pale; but woman
+knows how to deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous to her
+friends, and laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and talked, though
+the talk was loathsome to her.
+
+"The two are together," said the Margrave, clutching his friend's
+shoulder. "NOW LOOK!"
+
+Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were Sir
+Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance. Two eggs
+were not more like! The reason of the Margrave's horrid suspicion at
+once flashed across his friend's mind.
+
+"'Tis clear as the staff of a pike," said the poor Margrave, mournfully.
+"Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a game at cribbage!"
+and retiring to the Margravine's boudoir, the two warriors sat down to
+the game.
+
+But though 'tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won, yet he
+could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was his mind by
+the dreadful secret which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play,
+the obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his patron's ear,
+which threw the latter into such a fury, that apoplexy was apprehended
+by the two lookers-on. But the Margrave mastered his emotion. "AT WHAT
+TIME, did you say?" said he to Gottfried.
+
+"At daybreak, at the outer gate."
+
+"I will be there."
+
+"AND SO WILL I TOO," thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of Hombourg.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE FLIGHT.
+
+
+How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future, and
+think he can bend stern fate to his will! Alas, we are but creatures in
+its hands! How many a slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup! How
+often, though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon, do we
+find ourselves dashed to earth; and then we are fain to say the grapes
+are sour, because we cannot attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in
+consequence of our own fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE
+OUTER GATE at daybreak.
+
+He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night's potations had been
+heavy, the day's journey had been long and rough. The knight slept as a
+soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity, and who wakes not till
+he hears the blast of the reveille.
+
+He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Margrave. He had been
+there for hours watching his slumbering comrade. Watching?--no, not
+watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably
+bitter--over feelings inexpressibly wretched.
+
+"What's o'clock?" was the first natural exclamation of the Hombourger.
+
+"I believe it is five o'clock," said his friend. It was ten. It might
+have been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six, the
+Margrave would still have said, "I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK." The
+wretched take no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions, indeed,
+for THEM.
+
+"Is breakfast over?" inquired the crusader.
+
+"Ask the butler," said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly, rolling
+his eyes wildly, smiling wildly.
+
+"Gracious Bugo!" said the Knight of Hombourg, "what has ailed thee, my
+friend? It is ten o'clock by my horologe. Your regular hour is nine.
+You are not--no, by heavens! you are not shaved! You wear the tights and
+silken hose of last evening's banquet. Your collar is all rumpled--'tis
+that of yesterday. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED! What has chanced, brother
+of mine: what has chanced?"
+
+"A common chance, Louis of Hombourg," said the Margrave: "one that
+chances every day. A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart. THIS
+has chanced. I have not been to bed."
+
+"What mean ye?" cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. "A false friend? I
+am not a false friend. A false woman? Surely the lovely Theodora, your
+wife--"
+
+"I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son."
+
+*****
+
+In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had occurred.
+Gottfried's information was but too correct. There was a CAUSE for the
+likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt
+and Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen
+them. They walked long together; they embraced. Ah! how the husband's,
+the father's, feelings were harrowed at that embrace! They parted; and
+then the Margrave, coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she
+was to retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should
+be sent too, to take the vows at a monastery.
+
+Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and guarded by a
+company of his father's men-at-arms, was on the river going towards
+Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under
+the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to
+the convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have seen--the
+beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the bright waters of the Rhine!
+
+"What road did Gottfried take?" asked the Knight of Hombourg, grinding
+his teeth.
+
+"You cannot overtake him," said the Margrave. "My good Gottfried, he is
+my only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir. He will be
+back anon."
+
+"Will he so?" thought Sir Ludwig. "I will ask him a few questions ere he
+return." And springing from his couch, he began forthwith to put on
+his usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a hasty ablution,
+donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He rang
+the bell violently.
+
+"A cup of coffee, straight," said he, to the servitor who answered the
+summons; "bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper, and the
+groom saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride."
+
+The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought; the refreshments
+disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing steed were heard in
+the court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice of his friend, and sat,
+plunged in silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE TRAITOR'S DOOM.
+
+
+The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts from
+the hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green plain below.
+Who has not seen that lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not
+loved it? A thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around
+in peaceful luxuriance; the mighty Rhine floats by it in silver
+magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise the seven mountains robed in
+majestic purple, the monarchs of the royal scene.
+
+A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has
+mentioned that "peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that offer
+cake and wine," are perpetually crowding round the traveller in this
+delicious district, and proffering to him their rustic presents. This
+was no doubt the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his
+elegant poems--in the happy ancient days! when maidens were as yet
+generous, and men kindly! Now the degenerate peasantry of the district
+are much more inclined to ask than to give, and their blue eyes seem to
+have disappeared with their generosity.
+
+But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story occurred,
+'tis probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was greeted
+upon his path by this fascinating peasantry; though we know not how
+he accepted their welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green
+country until he came to Rolandseck, whence he could command the Island
+of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine opposite that place), and all who
+went to it or passed from it.
+
+Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging above
+the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous cactuses
+and silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day may perceive a
+rude broken image of a saint: that image represented the venerable Saint
+Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and Sir Ludwig, kneeling on
+the greensward, and reciting a censer, an ave, and a couple of acolytes
+before it, felt encouraged to think that the deed he meditated was about
+to be performed under the very eyes of his friend's sanctified patron.
+His devotion done (and the knight of those days was as pious as he
+was brave), Sir Ludwig, the gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud
+voice:--
+
+"Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?"
+
+"Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?" exclaimed
+a voice from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of
+geranium and magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient, and
+majestic head--'twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo's solitary. A
+silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an appearance of great
+respectability; his body was robed in simple brown serge, and girt with
+a knotted cord: his ancient feet were only defended from the prickles
+and stones by the rudest sandals, and his bald and polished head was
+bare.
+
+"Holy hermit," said the knight, in a grave voice, "make ready thy
+ministry, for there is some one about to die."
+
+"Where, son?"
+
+"Here, father."
+
+"Is he here, now?"
+
+"Perhaps," said the stout warrior, crossing himself; "but not so if
+right prevail." At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat putting
+off from Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by
+the sinople reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was
+Sir Gottfried of Godesberg.
+
+"Be ready, father," said the good knight, pointing towards the advancing
+boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the reverend hermit,
+without a further word, he vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for
+a few score of paces; when he wheeled round, and remained steady. His
+great lance and pennon rose in the air. His armor glistened in the
+sun; the chest and head of his battle-horse were similarly covered with
+steel. As Sir Gottfried, likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had
+been left at the ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started
+at the figure before him--a glistening tower of steel.
+
+"Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?" said Sir Gottfried,
+haughtily, "or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your
+lady-love?"
+
+"I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against all comers. I
+hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a traitor."
+
+"As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass," said Gottfried.
+
+"The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. Liar and traitor!
+art thou coward, too?"
+
+"Holy Saint Buffo! 'tis a fight!" exclaimed the old hermit (who, too,
+had been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war-horse that
+hears the trumpet's sound, and spite of his clerical profession, he
+prepared to look on at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and
+sat down on the overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and
+affecting unconcern, but in reality most deeply interested in the event
+which was about to ensue.
+
+As soon as the word "coward" had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his
+opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here, had
+wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the rest.
+
+"Ha! Beauseant!" cried he. "Allah humdillah!" 'Twas the battle-cry in
+Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers. "Look to thyself,
+Sir Knight, and for mercy from heaven! I will give thee none."
+
+"A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!" exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that, too,
+was the well-known war-cry of his princely race.
+
+"I will give the signal," said the old hermit, waving his pipe.
+"Knights, are you ready? One, two, three. LOS!" (let go.)
+
+At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds;
+the two knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel, rapidly
+converged; the two lances met upon the two shields of either, and
+shivered, splintered, shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which
+whirled through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the
+trees, or in the river. The two horses fell back trembling on their
+haunches, where they remained for half a minute or so.
+
+"Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!" said the old hermit. "Marry, but a
+splinter wellnigh took off my nose!" The honest hermit waved his pipe
+in delight, not perceiving that one of the splinters had carried off the
+head of it, and rendered his favorite amusement impossible. "Ha! they
+are to it again! O my! how they go to with their great swords! Well
+stricken, gray! Well parried, piebald! Ha, that was a slicer! Go it,
+piebald! go it, gray!--go it, gray! go it, pie--Peccavi! peccavi!" said
+the old man, here suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on his
+knees. "I forgot I was a man of peace." And the next moment, muttering
+a hasty matin, he sprung down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of
+the combatants.
+
+The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his strength
+and skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the Hombourger, with
+RIGHT on his side. He was bleeding at every point of his armor: he had
+been run through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, delivered
+with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown of his helmet of
+Damascus steel, and passing through the cerebellum and sensorium, had
+split his nose almost in twain.
+
+His mouth foaming--his face almost green--his eyes full of blood--his
+brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth knocked
+out,--the discomfited warrior presented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling
+under the effects of the last tremendous blow which the Knight of
+Hombourg dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his
+piebald charger; the frightened animal whisked his tail wildly with a
+shriek and a snort, plunged out his hind legs, trampling for one moment
+upon the feet of the prostrate Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek
+with agony, and then galloped away riderless.
+
+Away! ay, away!--away amid the green vineyards and golden cornfields;
+away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the eagles in their
+eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the flashing cataracts
+tumble; away through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves are
+howling away over the dreary wolds, where the wild wind walks alone;
+away through the plashing quagmires, where the will-o'-the-wisp slunk
+frightened among the reeds; away through light and darkness, storm
+and sunshine; away by tower and town, high-road and hamlet. Once a
+turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike,
+and cleared it at a bound. Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way:
+he charged the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the
+roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on! Brave
+horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby! On went the horse, over
+mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped until he
+reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to
+put him up.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE CONFESSION.
+
+
+But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual. Having
+examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the old hermit
+(a skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the vanquished one and said,
+"Sir Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are in an
+exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not probably survive."
+
+"Say you so, Sir Priest? then 'tis time I make my confession. Hearken
+you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be."
+
+Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his horse up
+to a tree), lifted his visor and said, "Gottfried of Godesberg! I am the
+friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined;
+I am the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou
+hast belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou
+wouldst have appropriated. Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and
+overcame thee, and have wellnigh finished thee. Speak on."
+
+"I have done all this," said the dying man, "and here, in my last hour,
+repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the youthful Otto
+the true son of his father--Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his
+UNCLE."
+
+"Gracious Buffo!" "Celestial Bugo!" here said the hermit and the Knight
+of Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands.
+
+"Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon. Hence
+he could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady
+Theodora's spotless purity (though the young people had been brought up
+together) could never be brought to own the relationship."
+
+"May I repeat your confession?" asked the hermit.
+
+"With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the
+Margrave, and pray him give me pardon. Were there--a notary-public
+present," slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing
+over his eyes, "I would ask--you--two--gentlemen to witness it. I would
+gladly--sign the deposition--that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr-ite!" A
+faint shuddering smile--a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle--the blood gushed
+from his mouth in black volumes . . . .
+
+"He will never sin more," said the hermit, solemnly.
+
+"May heaven assoilzie him!" said Sir Ludwig. "Hermit, he was a gallant
+knight. He died with harness on his back and with truth on his lips:
+Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . ."
+
+An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of Godesberg
+were rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot into the
+court-yard of the castle, with a companion on the crupper of his saddle.
+'Twas the venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater
+celerity, had adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose appearance
+and little dumpy legs might well create hilarity among the "pampered
+menials" who are always found lounging about the houses of the great.
+He skipped off the saddle with considerable lightness however; and Sir
+Ludwig, taking the reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering
+servitors into awe, bade one of them lead him to the presence of his
+Highness the Margrave.
+
+"What has chanced?" said the inquisitive servitor. "The riderless
+horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon. The
+Margrave's Grace has never quitted your lordship's chamber, and sits as
+one distraught."
+
+"Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!" And so saying, the Knight and
+his Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where, according to
+the servitor's description, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone.
+
+Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man's hands, the hermit
+seized the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with a
+prolixity which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the events
+which we have already described. Let the dear reader fancy, while his
+Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave gradually lighting up
+with attention; the flush of joy which mantles in his countenance--the
+start--the throb--the almost delirious outburst of hysteric exultation
+with which, when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the two
+messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost
+choked the aged recluse! "Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine--say
+I have wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back--that
+I forgive her--that I apologize if you will"--and a secretary forthwith
+despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a fleet
+messenger.
+
+"Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him send
+me back my boy, my darling, my Otto--my Otto of roses!" said the fond
+father, making the first play upon words he had ever attempted in his
+life. But what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling
+at the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messenger was
+despatched on another horse.
+
+"And now," said Sir Ludwig, playfully, "let us to lunch. Holy hermit,
+are you for a snack?"
+
+The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the three
+gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which the remains
+of the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said, ample means.
+
+"They will be home by dinner-time," said the exulting father. "Ludwig!
+reverend hermit! we will carry on till then." And the cup passed gayly
+round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the three happy friends
+sat confidentially awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son.
+
+But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former chapter,
+that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is often many a
+spill? that our hopes are high, and often, too often, vain? About three
+hours after the departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with
+an exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the Margrave a
+billet to the following effect:--
+
+
+"CONVENT OF NONNENWERTH, Friday Afternoon.
+
+"SIR--I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed
+to bear it no more. I will no longer be made the butt of your ribald
+satire, and the object of your coarse abuse. Last week you threatened me
+with your cane! On Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which
+hit the butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This morning,
+in the presence of all the servants, you called me by the most vile,
+abominable name, which heaven forbid I should repeat! You dismissed me
+from your house under a false accusation. You sent me to this odious
+convent to be immured for life. Be it so! I will not come back, because,
+forsooth; you relent. Anything is better than a residence with a wicked,
+coarse, violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself. I remain
+here for ever and blush to be obliged to sign myself
+
+"THEODORA VON GODESBERG.
+
+"P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels, and
+wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your house in
+order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear
+out. T. V. G."
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE SENTENCE.
+
+
+This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at all
+times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages, struck dismay
+into the heart of the Margrave.
+
+"Are her ladyship's insinuations correct?" asked the hermit, in a
+severe tone. "To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say a
+justifiable practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both to the
+liquor and to her."
+
+"But she sent a carving-knife at me first," said the heartbroken
+husband. "O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen to thy
+green and yellow tongue?"
+
+"They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely," whispered Sir
+Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture upon
+family discord and marital authority, which would have sent his two
+hearers to sleep, but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the
+Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son. This herald wore a still
+longer face than that of his comrade who preceded him.
+
+"Where is my darling?" roared the agonized parent. "Have ye brought him
+with ye?"
+
+"N--no," said the man, hesitating.
+
+"I will flog the knave soundly when he comes," cried the father, vainly
+endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his inward
+emotion and tenderness.
+
+"Please, your Highness," said the messenger, making a desperate effort,
+"Count Otto is not at the convent."
+
+"Know ye, knave, where he is?"
+
+The swain solemnly said, "I do. He is THERE." He pointed as he spake
+to the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted up by the
+magnificent hues of sunset.
+
+"THERE! How mean ye THERE?" gasped the Margrave, wrought to a pitch of
+nervous fury.
+
+"Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct him to
+the convent, he--he jumped suddenly from it, and is dr--dr--owned."
+
+"Carry that knave out and hang him!" said the Margrave, with a calmness
+more dreadful than any outburst of rage. "Let every man of the boat's
+crew be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the tower--except the
+coxswain, and let him be--"
+
+What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that moment,
+and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down lifeless on the
+floor.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG.
+
+
+It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers we
+dare venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found) that the
+cause of the Margrave's fainting-fit, described in the last chapter,
+was a groundless apprehension on the part of that too solicitous and
+credulous nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No, young
+Otto was NOT drowned. Was ever hero of romantic story done to death so
+early in the tale? Young Otto was NOT drowned. Had such been the case,
+the Lord Margrave would infallibly have died at the close of the last
+chapter; and a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted
+how the lovely Lady Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir
+Ludwig determined, upon the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon
+the shock of hearing the news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and
+assume the robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late venerable and
+solitary ecclesiastic. Otto was NOT drowned, and all those personages of
+our history are consequently alive and well.
+
+The boat containing the amazed young Count--for he knew not the cause of
+his father's anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust sentence which
+the Margrave had uttered--had not rowed many miles, when the gallant boy
+rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and determined
+not to be a slave in any convent of any order: determined to make a
+desperate effort for escape. At a moment when the men were pulling hard
+against the tide, and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to
+steer the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands which are
+frequently met with in the majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave
+a sudden spring from the boat, and with one single flounce was in the
+boiling, frothing, swirling eddy of the stream.
+
+Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young lord!
+All loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but as they
+did not know how to swim, of course they declined to make any useless
+plunges in search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder and
+grief. ONCE, his fair head and golden ringlets were seen to arise from
+the water; TWICE, puffing and panting, it appeared for an instant again;
+THRICE, it rose but for one single moment: it was the last chance, and
+it sunk, sunk, sunk. Knowing the reception they would meet with from
+their liege lord, the men naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but
+putting in at the first creek on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke
+of Nassau's territory; where, as they have little to do with our tale,
+we will leave them.
+
+But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto. He had
+disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED. He calculated
+that his conductors would consider him drowned, and the desire
+of liberty lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in this
+instance,) the gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his
+head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne--the distance
+being twenty-five or thirty miles.
+
+Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the river,
+repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he had had
+an accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the moisture of his
+habiliments, and while these were drying before a fire in his chamber,
+went snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the strange
+events of the day. "This morning," thought he, "a noble, and heir to
+a princely estate--this evening an outcast, with but a few bank-notes
+which my mamma luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry
+into life is this for a young man of my family! Well, I have courage and
+resolution: my first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful
+one; other dangers will be conquered by similar bravery." And
+recommending himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the
+care of their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy
+fell presently into such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the
+innocent, and the extremely fatigued can enjoy.
+
+The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued after
+swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto to sleep
+so profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday's sunset, as
+a natural consequence, Saturday's Phoebus illumined the world, ay, and
+sunk at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of the hostel, peeping
+in, marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a pretty youth, tripped
+lightly from the chamber; the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call
+him (as boots will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore,
+turned on his side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption. In a
+word, the youth slept for six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the
+Sunday sun was shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne
+were clinking and tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and
+burgheresses of the town were trooping to vespers and morning service
+when Otto awoke.
+
+As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the astonished
+boy could not at first account for his difficulty in putting them on.
+"Marry," said he, "these breeches that my blessed mother" (tears filled
+his fine eyes as he thought of her)--"that my blessed mother had made
+long on purpose, are now ten inches too short for me. Whir-r-r! my coat
+cracks i' the back, as in vain I try to buckle it round me; and the
+sleeves reach no farther than my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I
+grown fat and tall in a single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it."
+
+The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily. He bethought him
+of the reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from being
+five-and-twenty miles under water.
+
+But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not
+say was to purchase new ones. Inquiring the way to the most genteel
+ready-made-clothes' establishment in the city of Cologne, and finding
+it was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated
+Moses of London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium; but you
+may be sure did not neglect to perform his religious duties by the way.
+Entering the cathedral, he made straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo,
+and hiding himself behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognized
+by the archbishop, or any of his father's numerous friends in Cologne),
+he proceeded with his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles
+of the age.
+
+But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could not
+refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he remarked
+with surprise that the whole church was filled with archers; and he
+remembered, too, that he had seen in the streets numerous other bands
+of men similarly attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch
+the cause of this assemblage, one of the green ones said (in a jape),
+"Marry, youngster, YOU must be GREEN, not to know that we are all bound
+to the castle of his Grace Duke Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery
+meeting once a year, and prizes for which we toxophilites muster
+strong."
+
+Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately
+settled what to do. He straightway repaired to the ready-made emporium
+of Herr Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with an archer's
+complete dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock,
+which fitted the youth to a T, and we need not say was sold at an
+exceedingly moderate price. So attired (and bidding Herr Moses a cordial
+farewell), young Otto was a gorgeous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to
+gaze on. A coat and breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented
+with a profusion of brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite
+tightness, showed off a figure unrivalled for slim symmetry. His feet
+were covered with peaked buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his
+slender waist, of the same material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe
+and pouch, and his long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous
+youth had as yet only employed it to fashion wicket-bails, or to cut
+bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready to use against the enemy. His
+personal attractions were enhanced by a neat white hat, flung carelessly
+and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling countenance; and his
+lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets, fell over his
+shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far as the
+waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a lovely Colnerinn looked
+after the handsome Childe with anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid
+under the guise of "a bonny boy in green."
+
+So accoutred, the youth's next thought was, that he must supply himself
+with a bow. This he speedily purchased at the most fashionable bowyer's,
+and of the best material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink
+ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beautifully painted
+and embroidered, was slung across his back, with a dozen of the finest
+arrows, tipped with steel of Damascus, formed of the branches of the
+famous Upas-tree of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan.
+These purchases being completed (together with that of a knapsack,
+dressing-case, change, &c.), our young adventurer asked where was the
+hostel at which the archers were wont to assemble? and being informed
+that it was at the sign of the "Golden Stag," hied him to that house of
+entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer, he
+speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a company
+of his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the coffee-room.
+
+After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing them,
+"When go ye forth, gentles? I am a stranger here, bound as you to
+the archery meeting of Duke Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your
+company 'twill gladden me upon my lonely way?"
+
+The archers replied, "You seem so young and jolly, and you spend your
+gold so very like a gentleman, that we'll receive you in our band
+with pleasure. Be ready, for we start at half-past two!" At that hour
+accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a
+little increased his popularity among them by stepping out and having a
+conference with the landlord, which caused the latter to come into the
+room where the archers were assembled previous to departure, and to say,
+"Gentlemen, the bill is settled!"--words never ungrateful to an archer
+yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of.
+
+They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and
+telling of a thousand feats of love and chase and war. While thus
+engaged, some one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the
+regular uniform, having no feathers in his hat.
+
+"I dare say I will find a feather," said the lad, smiling.
+
+Then another gibed because his bow was new.
+
+"See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang," said the
+undisturbed youth. His answers, his bearing, his generosity, his beauty,
+and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends with interest
+and curiosity, and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow
+corresponded with their secret sympathies for him.
+
+An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present itself
+soon--as indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as young Otto
+was. Fate seems to watch over such: events occur to them just in the
+nick of time; they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of
+devouring them; they manage to be present at court and interesting
+ceremonies, and to see the most interesting people at the most
+interesting moment; directly an adventure is necessary for them, that
+adventure occurs: and I, for my part, have often wondered with delight
+(and never could penetrate the mystery of the subject) at the way in
+which that humblest of romance heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants
+anything in the Pantomime, straightway finds it to his hand. How is it
+that,--suppose he wishes to dress himself up like a woman for instance,
+that minute a coalheaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a
+bonnet; at the very next instant a butcher's lad passing with a string
+of sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously helps Master Clown
+to a necklace and a tournure, and so on through the whole toilet?
+Depend upon it there is something we do not wot of in that mysterious
+overcoming of circumstances by great individuals: that apt and wondrous
+conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for my part, when I heard
+the above remark of one of the archers, that Otto had never a feather
+in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron would spring up in the next
+sentence to supply him with an aigrette.
+
+And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the
+archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling his
+crest, placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes against
+the wind, rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the world.
+
+"Shoot, Otto," said one of the archers. "You would not shoot just now at
+a crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it was a noble
+bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly."
+
+But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the
+third best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it.
+
+"Shoot, Otto," said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the
+young archer: "the bird is getting further and further."
+
+But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just cut.
+Max, the second best archer, shot and missed.
+
+"Then," said Wolfgang, "I must try myself: a plague on you, young
+springald, you have lost a noble chance!"
+
+Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird. "It
+is out of distance," said he, "and a murrain on the bird!"
+
+Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having
+carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig down
+and said carelessly, "Out of distance! Pshaw! We have two minutes yet,"
+and fell to asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the which none of the
+archers listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in air, watching
+the retreating bird.
+
+"Where shall I hit him?" said Otto.
+
+"Go to," said Rudolf, "thou canst see no limb of him: he is no bigger
+than a flea."
+
+"Here goes for his right eye!" said Otto; and stepping forward in the
+English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine, had
+taught him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good aim,
+allowing for the wind and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whiz!
+his arrow went off.
+
+He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf at
+the other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the while.
+
+The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their
+noses in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular to
+the horizontal position, and said, "Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The
+arrow's lost; let's go!"
+
+"HEADS!" cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen rapidly descending from
+the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a partridge,
+then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent heron to the
+ground, flooring poor Max in its fall.
+
+"Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang," said Otto, without looking at
+the bird: "wipe it and put it back into my quiver."
+
+The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the pupil.
+
+"Are you in league with Der Freischutz?" said Rudolf, quite amazed.
+
+Otto laughingly whistled the "Huntsman's Chorus," and said, "No, my
+friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot. I was taught shooting,
+look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the archers are archers
+indeed."
+
+And so he cut off the heron's wing for a plume for his hat; and the
+archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, "What a wonderful country
+that merry England must be!"
+
+Far from feeling any envy at their comrade's success, the jolly archers
+recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and Rudolf
+especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought the honor
+of his friendship. They continued their walk all day, and when night
+fell made choice of a good hostel you may be sure, where over beer,
+punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to the health of the
+Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other's healths all round. Next day they
+resumed their march, and continued it without interruption, except to
+take in a supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on these
+occasions that Otto, young as he was, could eat four times as much as
+the oldest archer present, and drink to correspond); and these continued
+refreshments having given them more than ordinary strength, they
+determined on making rather a long march of it, and did not halt till
+after nightfall at the gates of the little town of Windeck.
+
+What was to be done? the town-gates were shut. "Is there no hostel, no
+castle where we can sleep?" asked Otto of the sentinel at the gate.
+"I am so hungry that in lack of better food I think I could eat my
+grandmamma."
+
+The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and
+said, "You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;" adding
+with a peculiarly knowing look, "Nobody will disturb you there."
+
+At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a hill
+hard by a castle indeed--but the skeleton of a castle. The roof was
+gone, the windows were dismantled, the towers were tumbling, and the
+cold moonlight pierced it through and through. One end of the building
+was, however, still covered in, and stood looking still more frowning,
+vast, and gloomy, even than the other part of the edifice.
+
+"There is a lodging, certainly," said Otto to the sentinel, who pointed
+towards the castle with his bartizan; "but tell me, good fellow, what
+are we to do for a supper?"
+
+"Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you," said the man-at-arms
+with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the archers, taking
+counsel among themselves, debated whether or not they should take up
+their quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice.
+
+"We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there," said young Otto.
+"Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant fellows, and
+I have heard the garrison is not more than three hundred." But the rest
+of the party thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap
+one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep ignobly and
+without victuals, than dare the assault with Otto, and die, or conquer
+something comfortable.
+
+One and all then made their way towards the castle. They entered its
+vast and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled before
+them with hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and passing by
+a multiplicity of mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety
+corridors, at last came to an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as
+it was, appeared to be in rather better condition than the neighboring
+chambers, and they therefore selected it as their place of rest for the
+night. They then tossed up which should mount guard. The first two
+hours of watch fell to Otto, who was to be succeeded by his young though
+humble friend Wolfgang; and, accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg,
+drawing his dirk, began to pace upon his weary round; while his
+comrades, by various gradations of snoring, told how profoundly they
+slept, spite of their lack of supper.
+
+'Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as he
+performed his two hours' watch; what gushing memories poured into his
+full soul; what "sweet and bitter" recollections of home inspired his
+throbbing heart; and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him up.
+"Youth is ever confident," says the bard. Happy, happy season! The
+moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the twinkling stars looked
+friendly down upon him. Confiding in their youthful sentinel, sound
+slept the valorous toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back
+again, marched on the noble Childe. At length his repeater told him,
+much to his satisfaction, that it was half-past eleven, the hour when
+his watch was to cease; and so, giving a playful kick to the slumbering
+Wolfgang, that good-humored fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing
+his sword, proceeded to relieve Otto.
+
+The latter laid him down for warmth's sake on the very spot which his
+comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep. Realities and
+visions then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew which was
+which. He dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start; then he went
+off again; then woke up again. In one of these half-sleeping moments he
+thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in white, gliding into the room,
+and beckoning Wolfgang from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At
+that moment twelve o'clock clanged from the town, and Otto started up.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+THE LADY OF WINDECK.
+
+
+As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer,
+pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure. He did not
+know whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to him. Her
+blue, clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of faultless
+beauty; her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue, ere yet the
+sculptor's love had given it life. A smile played upon her features, but
+it was no warmer than the reflection of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet
+it was wondrous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of
+young Wolfgang. He stared at the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and
+distended jaws. She looked at him with ineffable archness. She lifted
+one beautifully rounded alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon
+him towards her. Did Wolfgang--the young and lusty Wolfgang--follow?
+Ask the iron whether it follows the magnet?--ask the pointer whether it
+pursues the partridge through the stubble?--ask the youth whether the
+lollipop-shop does not attract him? Wolfgang DID follow. An antique
+door opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they saw quite
+plain; they passed through the innumerable ancient chambers, and yet
+they did not wake any of the owls and bats roosting there. We know not
+through how many apartments the young couple passed; but at last they
+came to one where a feast was prepared: and on an antique table, covered
+with massive silver, covers were laid for two. The lady took her place
+at one end of the table, and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to
+the other seat. He took it. The table was small, and their knees met. He
+felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against an ice-well.
+
+"Gallant archer," said she, "you must be hungry after your day's march.
+What supper will you have? Shall it be a delicate lobster-salad? or
+a dish of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar's-head and
+truffles? or a Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a beefsteak and
+shallot? or a couple of rognons a la brochette? Speak, brave bowyer: you
+have but to order."
+
+As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish, Wolfgang
+thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of delicacies to
+him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try her with something
+extremely rare.
+
+"Fair princess," he said, "I should like very much a pork-chop and some
+mashed potatoes."
+
+She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never
+served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at least
+six portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street.
+
+When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the cover
+on the dish again, and watched him eating with interest. He was for some
+time too much occupied with his own food to remark that his companion
+did not eat a morsel; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone; the
+shining silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with his knife,
+and, heaving a great sigh, he confessed a humble desire for something to
+drink.
+
+"Call for what you like, sweet sir," said the lady, lifting up a silver
+filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with gold.
+
+"Then," said Master Wolfgang--for the fellow's tastes were, in sooth,
+very humble--"I call for half-and-half." According to his wish, a pint
+of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle, foaming, into his
+beaker.
+
+Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his conscience
+it was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young man felt his
+appetite renewed; and it is impossible to say how many different dishes
+he called for. Only enchantment, he was afterwards heard to declare
+(though none of his friends believed him), could have given him the
+appetite he possessed on that extraordinary night. He called for another
+pork-chop and potatoes, then for pickled salmon; then he thought he
+would try a devilled turkey-wing. "I adore the devil," said he.
+
+"So do I," said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the dish was
+served straightway. It was succeeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted
+cheese, and--what was most remarkable--every one of the dishes which he
+desired came from under the same silver cover: which circumstance, when
+he had partaken of about fourteen different articles, he began to find
+rather mysterious.
+
+"Oh," said the pale lady, with a smile, "the mystery is easily accounted
+for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW." But this did not
+account for the manner in which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch
+(both gin and rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with
+cucumber to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from which the
+lady had first poured out his pint of half-and-half.
+
+"There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio," said his arch
+entertainer, when he put this question to her, "than are dreamt of in
+your philosophy:" and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time in such
+a state, that he did not find anything wonderful more.
+
+"Are you happy, dear youth?" said the lady, as, after his collation, he
+sank back in his chair.
+
+"Oh, miss, ain't I?" was his interrogative and yet affirmative reply.
+
+"Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?" continued the
+pale one.
+
+"Why, no," said he; "no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights I
+should like oysters."
+
+"Dear youth," said she, "be but mine, and you may have them all the year
+round!" The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise
+this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious
+company. A person who can offer oysters all the year round can live to
+no good purpose.
+
+"Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?" said the lady.
+
+"Sweet love!" said he, now much excited, "strike up, and I will join the
+chorus."
+
+She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. 'Twas a sweet and
+wild one. It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on a peasant
+page; it told how nought could her love assuage, her suitor's wealth
+and her father's rage: it told how the youth did his foes engage; and
+at length they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born dame and the
+peasant page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled his head, sung wofully out of
+tune as the song proceeded; and if he had not been too intoxicated with
+love and other excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on
+the wall, as the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod
+and grin to the music. The song ended. "I am the lady of high lineage:
+Archer, will you be the peasant page?"
+
+"I'll follow you to the devil!" said Wolfgang.
+
+"Come," replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, "come to the chapel;
+we'll be married this minute!"
+
+She held out her hand--Wolfgang took it. It was cold, damp,--deadly
+cold; and on they went to the chapel.
+
+As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman and
+lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly down to
+the ground, and making the retreating couple a profound curtsy and bow,
+took the places which they had left at the table.
+
+Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading
+innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent.
+As they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their
+frames to follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a bust,
+frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his pedestal
+would not move; and several sticking-plaster profiles of the former
+Lords of Windeck looked quite black at being, for similar reasons,
+compelled to keep their places. However, there was a goodly procession
+formed behind Wolfgang and his bride; and by the time they reached the
+church, they had near a hundred followers.
+
+The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old
+knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane. The organ set up of itself
+to play the "Bridesmaid's Chorus." The choir-chairs were filled with
+people in black.
+
+"Come, love," said the pale lady.
+
+"I don't see the parson," exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself rather
+alarmed.
+
+"Oh, the parson! that's the easiest thing in the world! I say, bishop!"
+said the lady, stooping down.
+
+Stooping down--and to what? Why, upon my word and honor, to a great
+brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and on which
+was engraven the figure of a bishop--and a very ugly bishop, too--with
+crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal
+ring. "Do, my dear lord, come and marry us," said the lady, with a
+levity which shocked the feelings of her bridegroom.
+
+The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping under
+a large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him; while a
+canon of the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning
+and making fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and . . . .
+
+
+As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the
+absence of his companion Wolfgang. The idea he had had, that his friend
+disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him more and
+more. "I will follow them," said he; and, calling to the next on the
+watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his sleep), he
+rushed away by the door through which he had seen Wolfgang and his
+temptress take their way.
+
+That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle was vast, the
+chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, and what wonder that, after
+he had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe should not be able
+to follow in their steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door,
+and wandered for at least three hours about the dark enormous solitary
+castle, calling out Wolfgang's name to the careless and indifferent
+echoes, knocking his young shins against the ruins scattered in the
+darkness, but still with a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm
+resolution to aid his absent comrade. Brave Otto! thy exertions were
+rewarded at last!
+
+For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had
+partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the
+picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady's father and mother, were
+now sitting at the table.
+
+"Well, Bertha has got a husband at last," said the lady.
+
+"After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was quite
+time," said the gentleman. (He was dressed in powder and a pigtail,
+quite in the old fashion.)
+
+"The husband is no great things," continued the lady, taking snuff. "A
+low fellow, my dear; a butcher's son, I believe. Did you see how the
+wretch ate at supper? To think my daughter should have to marry an
+archer!"
+
+"There are archers and archers," said the old man. "Some archers are
+snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are gentlemen
+by birth, at least, though not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the
+Landgrave of Godesberg's son, who is listening at the door like a
+lackey, and whom I intend to run through the--"
+
+"Law, Baron!" said the lady.
+
+"I will, though," replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and
+glaring round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and that
+scowl a less valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the undaunted
+Childe advanced at once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a
+relic of St. Buffo (the tip of the saint's ear, which had been cut off
+at Constantinople). "Fiends! I command you to retreat!" said he, holding
+up this sacred charm, which his mamma had fastened on him; and at the
+sight of it, with an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the
+Baroness sprung back into their picture-frames, as clowns go through a
+clock in a pantomime.
+
+He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had passed
+with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the vast gloomy
+chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of the organ in the
+chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him towards
+that edifice. He rushed to the door: 'twas barred! He knocked: the
+beadles were deaf. He applied his inestimable relic to the lock,
+and--whiz! crash! clang! bang! whang!--the gate flew open! the organ
+went off in a fugue--the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went
+off towards the ceiling--the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry
+and a scream--the bride howled, and vanished--the fat bishop waddled
+back under his brass plate--the dean flounced down into his family
+vault--and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual, on
+the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his epigram, and to
+disappear into the void whence he came.
+
+Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless down at
+the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when they arrived,
+found the two youths. They were resuscitated, as we scarce need say; but
+when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale, some
+sceptics among the archers said--"Pooh! they were intoxicated!" while
+others, nodding their older heads, exclaimed--"THEY HAVE SEEN THE LADY
+OF WINDECK!" and recalled the stories of many other young men, who,
+inveigled by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and
+had disappeared--for ever!
+
+This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant preserver;
+and the archers--it being now morning, and the cocks crowing lustily
+round about--pursued their way without further delay to the castle of
+the noble patron of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves.
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN.
+
+
+Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between
+Windeck and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a legend
+and a ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made
+to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey would be thus
+almost interminable, let us cut it short by saying that the travellers
+reached Cleves without any further accident, and found the place
+thronged with visitors for the meeting next day.
+
+And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived, and
+make display of antiquarian lore. Now we would represent a cavalcade of
+knights arriving, with their pages carrying their shining helms of gold,
+and the stout esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive
+a fat abbot on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white-robed companions
+of his convent. Here should come the gleemen and jonglers, the
+minstrels, the mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed,
+nut-brown Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs,
+and leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the
+vine-lands. Next we would depict the litters blazoned with armorial
+bearings, from between the broidered curtains of which peeped out
+the swan-like necks and the haughty faces of the blond ladies of the
+castles. But for these descriptions we have not space; and the reader
+is referred to the account of the tournament in the ingenious novel of
+"Ivanhoe," where the above phenomena are described at length. Suffice it
+to say, that Otto and his companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and,
+hastening to a hostel, reposed themselves after the day's march, and
+prepared them for the encounter of the morrow.
+
+That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and his
+comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and arrows,
+you may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as were the
+multitude of other archers assembled. They were from all neighboring
+countries--crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed with Murray's
+guide-books, troops of chattering Frenchmen, Frankfort Jews with
+roulette-tables, and Tyrolese, with gloves and trinkets--all hied
+towards the field where the butts were set up, and the archery practice
+was to be held. The Childe and his brother archers were, it need not be
+said, early on the ground.
+
+But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman's emotion when,
+preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and other wind
+instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his
+daughter? And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do justice to
+the beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm which decorates the
+person, every virtue which ornaments the mind, every accomplishment
+which renders charming mind and charming person doubly charming, and
+then you will have but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her
+Highness the Princess Helen. Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know
+not with what justice) Rowland's Kalydor imparts to the users of that
+cosmetic; fancy teeth to which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals;
+eyes, which were so blue, tender, and bright, that while they run you
+through with their lustre, they healed you with their kindness; a neck
+and waist, so ravishingly slender and graceful, that the least that
+is said about them the better; a foot which fell upon the flowers no
+heavier than a dew-drop--and this charming person set off by the most
+elegant toilet that ever milliner devised! The lovely Helen's hair
+(which was as black as the finest varnish for boots) was so long, that
+it was borne on a cushion several yards behind her by the maidens of
+her train; and a hat, set off with moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles,
+birds-of-paradise, gold lace, and pink ribbon, gave her a distingue air,
+which would have set the editor of the Morning Post mad with love.
+
+It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg, as
+leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and gazed on
+her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both
+of them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding to the cheek of
+either. A simultaneous throb beat in those young hearts! They loved
+each other for ever from that instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged,
+enraptured, leaning on his ivory bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden
+for her pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to
+hide her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones! I am old now; but
+not so old but that I kindle at the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too
+has lived and loved. Heigho!
+
+Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated the
+Princess and the stout old lord, her father? Who is he whose hair is
+of the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a nose, are
+perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back and a hideous
+mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yellow
+odious teeth. Although he wears a sky-blue doublet laced with silver,
+it only serves to render his vulgar punchy figure doubly ridiculous;
+although his nether garment is of salmon-colored velvet, it only draws
+the more attention to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and
+bandy. A rose-colored hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks
+absurd on his bull-head; and though it is time of peace, the wretch is
+armed with a multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres,
+and scimitars, which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. 'Tis
+the terrible Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein.
+Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen. He
+addresses various speeches of gallantry to her, and grins hideously as
+he thrusts his disgusting head over her lily shoulder. But she turns
+away from him! turns and shudders--ay, as she would at a black dose!
+
+Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. "What is the prize?"
+asks one archer of another. There are two prizes--a velvet cap,
+embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of
+enormous value. Both lie on cushions before her.
+
+"I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize," says a
+swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules on a
+black shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz.
+
+"Which, fellow?" says Otto, turning fiercely upon him.
+
+"The chain, to be sure!" says the leering archer. "You do not suppose I
+am such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?" Otto laughed
+in scorn, and began to prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed
+that the sports were about to commence.
+
+Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already been done in the
+novel of "Ivanhoe" before mentioned. Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln
+green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit,
+some missed; those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of
+the multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new trials of skill;
+but it was easy to see, from the first, that the battle lay between
+Squintoff (the Rowski archer) and the young hero with the golden hair
+and the ivory bow. Squintoff's fame as a marksman was known throughout
+Europe; but who was his young competitor? Ah? there was ONE heart in the
+assembly that beat most anxiously to know. 'Twas Helen's.
+
+The crowning trial arrived. The bull's eye of the target, set up at
+three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so small, that
+it required a very clever man indeed to see, much more to hit it; and as
+Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Rowski flung
+a purse of gold towards his archer, saying--"Squintoff, an ye win the
+prize, the purse is thine." "I may as well pocket it at once, your
+honor," said the bowman with a sneer at Otto. "This young chick, who has
+been lucky as yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that." And, taking his
+aim, Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the
+bull's-eye.
+
+"Can you mend that, young springald?" said he, as a shout rent the air
+at his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion of her
+secret heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the
+Rowski's money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg.
+
+"Has anybody got a pea?" asked the lad. Everybody laughed at his droll
+request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the crowd, handed
+him the vegetable which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto,
+stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his arrow from
+the bull's-eye, and placed in the orifice made by the steel point of the
+shaft, the pea which he had received from the old woman. He then came
+back to his place. As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by
+emotion, that 'twas thought she would have fainted. Never, never had she
+seen a being so beautiful as the young hero now before her.
+
+He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clusters of hair from
+his bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled on his
+cheek, from which the barber's weapon had never shorn the down. He took
+his bow, and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself lightly
+on his right leg, he flung himself forward, raising his left leg on a
+level with his ear. He looked like Apollo, as he stood balancing himself
+there. He discharged his dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the
+blue air--whiz!
+
+"HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!" said the Princess, and fainted. The Rowski, with
+one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while with the other he
+levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to level anything) a furious
+glance at his archer.
+
+The archer swore a sulky oath. "He is the better man!" said he. "I
+suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?"
+
+"The gold chain?" said Otto. "Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked
+by that august hand? Never!" And advancing to the balcony where the
+Princess, who now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before
+her, and received the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet as the
+cap itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden ringlets. Once more
+their eyes met--their hearts thrilled. They had never spoken, but they
+knew they loved each other for ever.
+
+"Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?" said that
+individual to the youth. "Thou shalt be captain of my archers in place
+of yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome."
+
+"Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer," replied
+Otto, haughtily; "and I will NOT take service with the Rowski of
+Donnerblitz."
+
+"Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?" said the father
+of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the haughtiness of the
+humble archer.
+
+"I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY," said Otto, bowing
+low. He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word family.
+Helen knew what he meant. SHE was the family. In fact her mother was no
+more, and her papa had no other offspring.
+
+"What is thy name, good fellow," said the Prince, "that my steward may
+enroll thee?"
+
+"Sir," said Otto, again blushing, "I am OTTO THE ARCHER."
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+THE MARTYR OF LOVE.
+
+
+The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a handsome
+dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which his friend
+distinguished himself as usual in the eating and drinking department.
+Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to attend; so great was the envy
+of the brute at the youthful hero's superiority. As for Otto himself, he
+sat on the right hand of the chairman; but it was remarked that he could
+not eat. Gentle reader of my page! thou knowest why full well. He was
+too much in love to have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring
+under that passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet
+remember our Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry when
+they're in love.
+
+The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in the
+corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his attached
+squire, who vowed he never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own
+elegant dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves, the noble
+Childe sighed not a little. 'Twas a splendid uniform 'tis true, but
+still it WAS a livery, and one of his proud spirit ill bears another's
+cognizances. "They are the colors of the Princess, however," said he,
+consoling himself; "and what suffering would I not undergo for HER?" As
+for Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured,
+low-born fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to
+exchange for the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and
+orange-tawny hat, with which the Duke's steward supplied him, the homely
+patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past.
+
+"Look at you two archers," said the Prince of Cleves to his guest, the
+Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the battlements after
+dinner, smoking their cigars as usual. His Highness pointed to our two
+young friends, who were mounting guard for the first time. "See yon two
+bowmen--mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat thy Squintoff, and
+t'other, an I mistake not, won the third prize at the butts. Both wear
+the same uniform--the colors of my house--yet wouldst not swear that the
+one was but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman?"
+
+"Which looks like the nobleman?" said the Rowski, as black as thunder.
+
+"WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure," said the Princess Helen, eagerly.
+The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence of disliking
+the odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski's proffered arm, and
+was loitering behind with her parasol.
+
+Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black and
+jealous Rowski more ill-humored. "How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves,"
+said he, "that the churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear
+the ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear ringlets such
+as yon springald's? Ho, archer!" roared he, "come, hither, fellow."
+And Otto stood before him. As he came, and presenting arms stood
+respectfully before the Prince and his savage guest, he looked for
+one moment at the lovely Helen--their eyes met, their hearts beat
+simultaneously: and, quick, two little blushes appeared in the cheek of
+either. I have seen one ship at sea answering another's signal so.
+
+While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our readers
+of the great estimation in which the hair was held in the North. Only
+nobles were permitted to wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a
+shaving was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains or
+vassals who sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus
+de Nobilitate Capillari; Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart;
+Fresirische Alterthumskunde, &c.
+
+"We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow," said the Duke
+of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of his
+gallant recruit. "'Tis against the regulation cut of my archer guard."
+
+"Cut off my hair!" cried Otto, agonized.
+
+"Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel," roared Donnerblitz.
+
+"Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein," said the Duke with dignity: "let the
+Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms. And you, young
+sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger."
+
+Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent
+to plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings
+overcame him. "The count need not fear, my lord," said he: "a lady is
+present." And he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah! what
+a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought that those lovely
+ringlets must be shorn from that beautiful head!
+
+Otto's mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a gentleman--let
+us add, his pride as a man--for who is not, let us ask, proud of a
+good head of hair?--waged war within his soul. He expostulated with the
+Prince. "It was never in my contemplation," he said, "on taking service,
+to undergo the operation of hair-cutting."
+
+"Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer," said the Prince pettishly.
+"I will have no churls imitating noblemen in my service: I will bandy no
+conditions with archers of my guard."
+
+"My resolve is taken," said Otto, irritated too in his turn.
+"I will . . . . "
+
+"What?" cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation.
+
+"I will STAY," answered Otto. The poor girl almost fainted with joy. The
+Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in
+the horrible German jargon, stalked away. "So be it," said the Prince of
+Cleves, taking his daughter's arm--"and here comes Snipwitz, my barber,
+who shall do the business for you." With this the Prince too moved on,
+feeling in his heart not a little compassion for the lad; for Adolf
+of Cleves had been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the
+ornament of which he was now depriving his archer.
+
+Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there--in a
+word--operated upon him. The golden curls--fair curls that his mother
+had so often played with!--fell under the shears and round the lad's
+knees, until he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams.
+
+When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the little
+chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it as cropped as
+a charity-boy.
+
+See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!--And no
+wonder. He was thinking what would be Helen's opinion of him, now
+that one of his chief personal ornaments was gone. "Will she know me?"
+thought he; "will she love me after this hideous mutilation?"
+
+Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to be
+seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young gentleman
+had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to
+natural despondency; when he saw something which instantly restored
+him to good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming towards the chamber
+where the odious barber had performed upon him,--coming forward timidly,
+looking round her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation,--and
+presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she entered the
+apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what was Otto's joy when he saw her
+pick up a beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and
+then hide it in her bosom! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen
+did when she came out after performing this feat. Then she hurried
+straightway to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose first
+impulse was to come out from his hiding-place, and, falling at her
+feet, call heaven and earth to witness to his passion, with difficulty
+restrained his feelings and let her pass: but the love-stricken
+young hero was so delighted with this evident proof of reciprocated
+attachment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at once left him,
+and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair, but his head, if need
+were, to do her service.
+
+That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in
+the castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of
+Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage. He went away in
+the greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud conversation with
+the Prince. As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking
+rather demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gathered his
+attendants in the court, and there mounted his charger, the Rowski
+ordered his trumpets to sound, and scornfully flung a largesse of gold
+among the servitors and men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were
+marshalled in the court. "Farewell, Sir Prince," said he to his host:
+"I quit you now suddenly; but remember, it is not my last visit to the
+Castle of Cleves." And ordering his band to play "See the Conquering
+Hero comes," he clattered away through the drawbridge. The Princess
+Helen was not present at his departure; and the venerable Prince of
+Cleves looked rather moody and chap-fallen when his guest left him.
+He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately that night, and
+inquired of his officers the state of the ammunition, provisions, &c. He
+said nothing; but the Princess Helen's maid did: and everybody knew that
+the Rowski had made his proposals, had been rejected, and, getting up in
+a violent fury, had called for his people, and sworn by his great gods
+that he would not enter the castle again until he rode over the breach,
+lance in hand, the conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it.
+
+No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the news: for
+everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid and powerful
+soldiers in all Germany,--one of the most skilful generals. Generous
+to extravagance to his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy: a
+hundred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised by him
+in several towns and castles which he had captured and sacked. And poor
+Helen had the pain of thinking, that in consequence of her refusal she
+was dooming all the men, women, and children of the principality to
+indiscriminate and horrible slaughter.
+
+The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days dreadful
+confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy Prince of Cleves was taking
+his dinner (though the honest warrior had had little appetite for that
+meal for some time past), when trumpets were heard at the gate; and
+presently the herald of the Rowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on
+which the arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the dining-hall. A
+page bore a steel gauntlet on a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on
+his head. The Prince of Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to
+the chair of state where the sovereign sat.
+
+"Silence for Bleu Sanglier," cried the Prince, gravely. "Say your say,
+Sir Herald."
+
+"In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz,
+Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt,
+and Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman Empire--to
+you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier, bring
+war and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or twenty to twenty in
+field or in fort, on plain or on mountain, the noble Rowski defies
+you. Here, or wherever he shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death
+between you and him. In token whereof, here is his glove." And taking
+the steel glove from the page, Bleu Boar flung it clanging on the marble
+floor.
+
+The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good
+assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise the
+Rowski's; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him, on his
+knee.
+
+"Boteler, fill my goblet," said the Prince to that functionary, who,
+clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a napkin on his
+dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master's chair. The goblet was
+filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a precious golden
+hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Florentine.
+
+"Drink, Bleu Sanglier," said the Prince, "and put the goblet in thy
+bosom. Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake." And so saying, Prince
+Adolf flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald's neck. "An
+invitation to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves."
+So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu Sanglier's
+retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daughter. All were marvelling
+at his dignity, courage, and generosity.
+
+But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far from
+tranquil. He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the reign of
+Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death
+in three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two
+hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were assailing it.
+Those deeds which had made the heir of Cleves famous were done thirty
+years syne. A free liver since he had come into his principality, and of
+a lazy turn, he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made him
+in youth so famous a champion, and indolence had borne its usual
+fruits. He tried his old battle-sword--that famous blade with which,
+in Palestine, he had cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split
+asunder the skull of the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could
+scarcely now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armor. It was
+too tight for him. And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found
+he could not buckle it. Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible
+Rowski in single combat.
+
+Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the field.
+The Prince's territories were small; his vassals proverbially lazy and
+peaceable; his treasury empty. The dismallest prospects were before him:
+and he passed a sleepless night writing to his friends for succor, and
+calculating with his secretary the small amount of the resources which
+he could bring to aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy.
+
+Helen's pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber. She lay awake
+thinking of Otto,--thinking of the danger and the ruin her refusal to
+marry had brought upon her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but HIS
+waking thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble Childe thought
+how he should defend the Princess, and win LOS and honor in the ensuing
+combat.
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+THE CHAMPION.
+
+
+And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his castle for
+the threatened siege. He gathered in all the available cattle round the
+property, and the pigs round many miles; and a dreadful slaughter of
+horned and snouted animals took place,--the whole castle resounding with
+the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the gruntlings, destined to
+provide food for the garrison. These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of
+course, would not allow of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,)
+the lovely Helen, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted
+and pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying
+for the same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit,
+or occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage,
+who brought in wheat without money or credit either. The charming
+Princess, amidst the intervals of her labors, went about encouraging the
+garrison, who vowed to a man they would die for a single sweet smile
+of hers; and in order to make their inevitable sufferings as easy as
+possible to the gallant fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a
+plenty of efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint
+to bind their warriors' wounds withal. All the fortifications were
+strengthened; the fosses carefully filled with spikes and water; large
+stones placed over the gates, convenient to tumble on the heads of the
+assaulting parties; and caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up
+pitch, brimstone, boiling oil, &c., wherewith hospitably to receive
+them. Having the keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto was
+placed on the topmost tower, to watch for the expected coming of the
+beleaguering host.
+
+They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining spears were seen
+glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon made its
+appearance in battle's magnificently stern array. The tents of the
+renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot
+of the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when his army had taken
+up its position, an officer with a flag of truce and a trumpet was seen
+advancing to the castle gate. It was the same herald who had previously
+borne his master's defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once
+more to the castle gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count of
+Eulenschreckenstein was in arms without, ready to do battle with the
+Prince of Cleves, or his champion; that he would remain in arms for
+three days, ready for combat. If no man met him at the end of that
+period, he would deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single
+soul in the garrison. So saying, the herald nailed his lord's gauntlet
+on the castle gate. As before, the Prince flung him over another glove
+from the wall; though how he was to defend himself from such a warrior,
+or get a champion, or resist the pitiless assault that must follow, the
+troubled old nobleman knew not in the least.
+
+The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of
+wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if they
+would raise her up a defender.
+
+But how did the noble girl's heart sink--how were her notions of the
+purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread intelligence
+which reached her the next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski! At
+roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she principally relied--he
+whom her fond heart had singled out as her champion, had proved
+faithless! Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolfgang,
+had gone with him. A rope was found dangling from the casement of their
+chamber, and they must have swum the moat and passed over to the
+enemy in the darkness of the previous night. "A pretty lad was this
+fair-spoken archer of thine!" said the Prince her father to her; "and a
+pretty kettle of fish hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers." She
+retired weeping to her apartment. Never before had that young heart felt
+so wretched.
+
+That morning, at nine o'clock, as they were going to breakfast, the
+Rowski's trumpets sounded. Clad in complete armor, and mounted on his
+enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly
+up and down in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a
+champion.
+
+Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of
+defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth challenging
+the combat. The first day passed, and there was no answer to his
+summons. The second day came and went, but no champion had risen to
+defend. The taunt of his shrill clarion remained without answer; and the
+sun went down upon the wretchedest father and daughter in all the land
+of Christendom.
+
+The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and an
+hour before sunset. The third day came, but with it brought no hope. The
+first and second summons met no response. At five o'clock the old Prince
+called his daughter and blessed her. "I go to meet this Rowski," said
+he. "It may be we shall meet no more, my Helen--my child--the innocent
+cause of all this grief. If I shall fall to-night the Rowski's victim,
+'twill be that life is nothing without honor." And so saying, he put
+into her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so
+soon as the terrible champion had carried the castle by storm.
+
+This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father retired
+to his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet. It had borne
+the shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was now so tight as
+almost to choke the knightly wearer.
+
+The last trumpet sounded--tantara! tantara!--its shrill call rang over
+the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer. Again!--but
+when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an awful silence.
+"Farewell, my child," said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his
+battle-saddle. "Remember the dagger. Hark! the trumpet sounds for the
+third time. Open, warders! Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard
+the right."
+
+But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet to
+his lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of another
+clarion!--a distant note at first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in
+brilliant variations, the full rich notes of the "Huntsman's Chorus"
+came clearly over the breeze; and a thousand voices of the crowd gazing
+over the gate exclaimed, "A champion! a champion!"
+
+And, indeed, a champion HAD come. Issuing from the forest came a knight
+and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant cream-colored
+Arabian of prodigious power--the squire mounted on an unpretending gray
+cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength and
+sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet, through the bars of his
+helmet; the knight's visor was completely down. A small prince's
+coronet of gold, from which rose three pink ostrich-feathers, marked
+the warrior's rank: his blank shield bore no cognizance. As gracefully
+poising his lance he rode into the green space where the Rowski's tents
+were pitched, the hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor
+Prince of Cleves, especially, had considerable doubts about his new
+champion. "So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz,"
+said he, moodily, to his daughter; "but whoever he be, the fellow puts a
+good face on it, and rides like a man. See, he has touched the Rowski's
+shield with the point of his lance! By St. Bendigo, a perilous venture!"
+
+The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as the
+Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his daughter
+stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the
+Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to the
+lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and waited for the foe.
+His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat there, motionless, on his
+cream-colored steed. He looked like one of those fairy knights one has
+read of--one of those celestial champions who decided so many victories
+before the invention of gun powder.
+
+The Rowski's horse was speedily brought to the door of his pavilion; and
+that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of magnificent brass armor,
+clattered into his saddle. Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled
+over his helmet, which was farther ornamented by two huge horns of
+the aurochs. His lance was painted white and red, and he whirled the
+prodigious beam in the air and caught it with savage glee. He laughed
+when he saw the slim form of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to
+meet the coming battle. He dug his spurs into the enormous horse
+he rode: the enormous horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce
+pleasure. He jerked and curveted him with a brutal playfulness, and
+after a few minutes' turning and wheeling, during which everybody had
+leisure to admire the perfection of his equitation, he cantered round to
+a point exactly opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient charger.
+
+The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that he
+seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should his slim
+champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. "Go
+it!" said he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch; and at the word,
+the two warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each other.
+
+And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like that
+of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do justice to
+the terrific theme. You have seen two engines on the Great Western
+line rush past each other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two
+warriors gallop towards one another; the feathers of either streamed
+yards behind their backs as they converged. Their shock as they met was
+as that of two cannon-balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with
+the concussion; the lance aimed at the Rowski's helmet bore off the
+coronet, the horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible
+distance: a piece of the Rowski's left ear was carried off on the point
+of the nameless warrior's weapon. How had he fared? His adversary's
+weapon had glanced harmless along the blank surface of his polished
+buckler; and the victory so far was with him.
+
+The expression of the Rowski's face, as, bareheaded, he glared on his
+enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a demon. The
+imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never be copied by a
+feminine pen.
+
+His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the opportunity
+thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting his opponent's
+skull with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his starting-place, bent
+his lance's point to the ground, in token that he would wait until the
+Count of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted afresh.
+
+"Blessed Bendigo!" cried the Prince, "thou art a gallant lance: but why
+didst not rap the Schelm's brain out?"
+
+"Bring me a fresh helmet!" yelled the Rowski. Another casque was brought
+to him by his trembling squire.
+
+As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from his
+side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of battle. The
+unknown knight's sword was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the
+two blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the combat!
+
+The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity.
+It whirled round his adversary's head with frightful rapidity. Now it
+carried away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of his
+coronet. The flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly upon the
+corn. For many minutes it was the Unknown's only task to defend himself
+from the tremendous activity of the enemy.
+
+But even the Rowski's strength would slacken after exertion. The blows
+began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown knight
+began to make dreadful play. It found and penetrated every joint of
+the Donnerblitz's armor. Now it nicked him in the shoulder where the
+vambrace was buckled to the corselet; now it bored a shrewd hole under
+the light brissart, and blood followed; now, with fatal dexterity, it
+darted through the visor, and came back to the recover deeply
+tinged with blood. A scream of rage followed the last thrust; and no
+wonder:--it had penetrated the Rowski's left eye.
+
+His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost choking
+in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and rage.
+Gasping with fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great sword at his
+opponent's head, and once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe.
+
+Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same dreadful
+weapon! Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began the attack;
+and the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like
+a thunderbolt! "Yield! yield! Sir Rowski," shouted he, in a calm, clear
+voice.
+
+A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. 'Twas the last blow that
+the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle! The curse was on
+his lips as the crushing steel descended into his brain, and split it
+in two. He rolled like a log from his horse: his enemy's knee was in
+a moment on his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat, as the
+knight once more called upon him to yield.
+
+But there was no answer from within the helmet. When it was withdrawn,
+the teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should have spoken,
+grinned a ghastly silence: one eye still glared with hate and fury, but
+it was glazed with the film of death!
+
+The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine. The unknown
+knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful obeisance to
+the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back
+into the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset.
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+THE MARRIAGE.
+
+
+The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily sent
+all his camp-followers, army, &c. to the right-about. They struck their
+tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each man laying hold
+of what he could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched under
+his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the sun rose.
+
+On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of Cleves
+were not shut. Everybody was free to come in. Wine-butts were broached
+in all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege
+was distributed among the people, who crowded to congratulate their
+beloved sovereign on his victory; and the Prince, as was customary with
+that good man, who never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party,
+had a splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes, the whole
+concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks.
+
+In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of
+Hombourg arrived at the castle. The stalwart old warrior swore by Saint
+Bugo that he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been taken out
+of his hand. The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Hombourg could
+never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the unknown
+knight had just done.
+
+But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of these
+two old nobles. How to find him--how to reward the champion and restorer
+of the honor and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that he
+should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent round the principal
+cities within fifty miles, and the description of the knight advertised,
+in the Journal de Francfort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the
+Princess Helen was solemnly offered to him in these advertisements,
+with the reversion of the Prince of Cleves's splendid though somewhat
+dilapidated property.
+
+"But we don't know him, my dear papa," faintly ejaculated that young
+lady. "Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and pretend that
+he was the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults
+certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget); and how
+are you to say whether he is the real knight or not? There are so many
+deceivers in this world," added the Princess, in tears, "that one
+can't be too cautious now." The fact is, that she was thinking of the
+desertion of Otto in the morning; by which instance of faithlessness her
+heart was wellnigh broken.
+
+As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of
+everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers' mess that night,
+as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both of meat
+and drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades began to
+describe the events of the day, and the admirable achievements of the
+unknown warrior; and turning into their hammocks, did not appear on
+parade in the morning until twenty minutes after the names were called.
+
+When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he was
+in a towering passion. "Where were you, fellows," shouted he, "during
+the time my castle was at its utmost need?"
+
+Otto replied, "We were out on particular business."
+
+"Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?" exclaimed the
+Prince. "You know the reward of such--Death! and death you merit. But
+you are a soldier only of yesterday, and yesterday's victory has made me
+merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit--only flogged, both
+of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give
+these scoundrels five hundred apiece."
+
+You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information was
+thus abruptly conveyed to him. "Flog ME!" cried he. "Flog Otto of--"
+
+"Not so, my father," said the Princess Helen, who had been standing by
+during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the while with
+the most ineffable scorn. "Not so: although these PERSONS have forgotten
+their duty" (she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word
+persons), "we have had no need of their services, and have luckily found
+OTHERS more faithful. You promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the
+pardon of these two PERSONS. Let them go, and quit a service they have
+disgraced; a mistress--that is, a master--they have deceived."
+
+"Drum 'em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from
+their backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again." So saying,
+the old Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two
+young men to the fun and derision of their surrounding comrades.
+
+The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the
+ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what was
+the row? Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly; but the
+Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclamations of
+joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to his manly breast,
+kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst into tears as he
+embraced him. For, in sooth, the good Count had thought his godson long
+ere this at the bottom of the silver Rhine.
+
+The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window, (to
+invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this strange
+scene from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker likewise, with
+breathless and beautiful agitation. The old Count and the archer
+strolled up and down the battlements in deep conversation. By the
+gestures of surprise and delight exhibited by the former, 'twas easy to
+see the young archer was conveying some very strange and pleasing
+news to him; though the nature of the conversation was not allowed to
+transpire.
+
+"A godson of mine," said the noble Count, when interrogated over his
+muffins. "I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace; ran away;
+parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay," and
+so forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his tale in this
+brief, artless manner. But why, at its conclusion, did the gentle Helen
+leave the room, her eyes filled with tears? She left the room once more
+to kiss a certain lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling,
+delicious thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul!
+
+When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries regarding
+Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women); but he was gone.
+He and his companion were gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken
+his departure, under pretext of particular business. How lonely the
+vast castle seemed to Helen, now that HE was no longer there. The
+transactions of the last few days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer
+from the Rowski (always an event in a young lady's life); the siege
+of the castle; the death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a
+fevered dream to her: all was passed away, and had left no trace behind.
+No trace?--yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over
+which the young creature wept so much that she put it out of curl;
+passing hours and hours in the summer-house, where the operation had
+been performed.
+
+On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a
+consumption and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a day
+longer,) a messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste to the
+Prince of Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment. "To the High
+and Mighty Prince," &c. the letter ran. "The Champion who had the honor
+of engaging on Wednesday last with his late Excellency the Rowski of
+Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves.
+Through the medium of the public prints the C. has been made acquainted
+with the flattering proposal of His Serene Highness relative to a union
+between himself (the Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess
+Helen of Cleves. The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite
+invitation, and will have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and
+Princess of Cleves about half an hour after the receipt of this letter."
+
+"Tol lol de rol, girl," shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy. (Have you
+not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and on the stage,
+joy is announced by the above burst of insensate monosyllables?) "Tol
+lol de rol. Don thy best kirtle, child; thy husband will be here anon."
+And Helen retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event in the life
+of a young woman. When she returned, attired to welcome her defender,
+her young cheek was as pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs
+she wore.
+
+She was scarce seated on the dais by her father's side, when a huge
+flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE
+CHAMPION. Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary to
+restore her tranquillity.
+
+The great door was flung open. He entered,--the same tall warrior, slim,
+and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. He approached the Prince's
+throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in armor. He knelt
+gracefully on one knee.
+
+"I come," said he in a voice trembling with emotion, "to claim, as per
+advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen." And he held out a
+copy of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke.
+
+"Art thou noble, Sir Knight?" asked the Prince of Cleves.
+
+"As noble as yourself," answered the kneeling steel.
+
+"Who answers for thee?"
+
+"I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!" said the knight on the
+right hand, lifting up his visor.
+
+"And I--Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!" said the knight on
+the left, doing likewise.
+
+The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen.
+
+"I KNEW IT WAS," said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer.
+
+But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell ye.
+In a very few days after, a great marriage took place at Cleves under
+the patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the
+marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove
+off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissingen. The Lady
+Theodora, whom we left locked up in her convent a long while since, was
+prevailed upon to come back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to
+her husband. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son,
+and spoiled all her little grandchildren. And so all are happy, and my
+simple tale is done.
+
+I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library.
+'Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas; but
+'tis probable that he stole it from some other, and that the other had
+filched it from a former tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun.
+Things die and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgotten tale
+of the great Dumas reappears under the signature of
+
+THERESA MACWHIRTER.
+
+WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1.
+
+
+
+
+REBECCA AND ROWENA.
+
+A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE.
+
+BY MR. MICHAEL ANGELO TITMARSH.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+THE OVERTURE.--COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUSINESS.
+
+
+Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance, assuredly
+it has often occurred to every one of you, that the books we delight
+in have very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite prematurely with
+page 320 of the third volume. At that epoch of the history it is well
+known that the hero is seldom more than thirty years old, and the
+heroine by consequence some seven or eight years younger; and I would
+ask any of you whether it is fair to suppose that people after the above
+age have nothing worthy of note in their lives, and cease to exist as
+they drive away from Saint George's, Hanover Square? You, dear young
+ladies, who get your knowledge of life from the circulating library, may
+be led to imagine that when the marriage business is done, and Emilia
+is whisked off in the new travelling-carriage, by the side of the
+enraptured Earl; or Belinda, breaking away from the tearful embraces
+of her excellent mother, dries her own lovely eyes upon the throbbing
+waistcoat of her bridegroom--you may be apt, I say, to suppose that all
+is over then; that Emilia and the Earl are going to be happy for the
+rest of their lives in his lordship's romantic castle in the North, and
+Belinda and her young clergyman to enjoy uninterrupted bliss in their
+rose-trellised parsonage in the West of England: but some there be among
+the novel-reading classes--old experienced folks--who know better than
+this. Some there be who have been married, and found that they have
+still something to see and to do, and to suffer mayhap; and that
+adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and taxes, and sunrises and
+settings, and the business and joys and griefs of life go on after, as
+before the nuptial ceremony.
+
+Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes of
+hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by to the
+two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife; and I have
+often wished that additions should be made to all works of fiction which
+have been brought to abrupt terminations in the manner described; and
+that we should hear what occurs to the sober married man, as well as to
+the ardent bachelor; to the matron, as well as to the blushing spinster.
+And in this respect I admire (and would desire to imitate,) the noble
+and prolific French author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from
+early youth down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them
+rest until they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should
+get a little peace and quiet. A hero is much too valuable a gentleman to
+be put upon the retired list, in the prime and vigor of his youth; and
+I wish to know what lady among us would like to be put on the shelf, and
+thought no longer interesting, because she has a family growing up, and
+is four or five and thirty years of age? I have known ladies at sixty,
+with hearts as tender and ideas as romantic as any young misses of
+sixteen. Let us have middle-aged novels then, as well as your extremely
+juvenile legends: let the young ones be warned that the old folks have
+a right to be interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart,
+although she is somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a
+man his feelings, although he gets his hair from Truefitt's.
+
+Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most illustrious
+personages of romance should be continued by fitting hands, and that
+they should be heard of, until at least a decent age.--Look at Mr.
+James's heroes: they invariably marry young. Look at Mr. Dickens's:
+they disappear from the scene when they are mere chits. I trust these
+authors, who are still alive, will see the propriety of telling us
+something more about people in whom we took a considerable interest,
+and who must be at present strong and hearty, and in the full vigor
+of health and intellect. And in the tales of the great Sir Walter (may
+honor be to his name), I am sure there are a number of people who are
+untimely carried away from us, and of whom we ought to hear more.
+
+My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind, been
+one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so admirable, so
+tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear altogether before such
+another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen-headed creature, who is,
+in my humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe, and unworthy of her place as
+heroine. Had both of them got their rights, it ever seemed to me that
+Rebecca would have had the husband, and Rowena would have gone off to
+a convent and shut herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken
+the trouble of inquiring for her.
+
+But after all she married Ivanhoe. What is to be done? There is no help
+for it. There it is in black and white at the end of the third volume
+of Sir Walter Scott's chronicle, that the couple were joined together in
+matrimony. And must the Disinherited Knight, whose blood has been fired
+by the suns of Palestine, and whose heart has been warmed in the company
+of the tender and beautiful Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the
+side of such a frigid piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim,
+niminy-piminy Rowena? Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice! There
+is a simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their
+due, which is here submitted to the novel-reader. Ivanhoe's history MUST
+have had a continuation; and it is this which ensues. I may be wrong in
+some particulars of the narrative,--as what writer will not be?--but
+of the main incidents of the history, I have in my own mind no sort of
+doubt, and confidently submit them to that generous public which likes
+to see virtue righted, true love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy
+descend out of the blazing chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make
+Harlequin and Columbine happy. What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and
+ladies; and if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping
+in and out of endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting
+scenes, no fairy comes down to make US comfortable at the close of the
+performance? Ah! let us give our honest novel-folks the benefit of their
+position, and not be envious of their good luck.
+
+No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as the
+famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt for a
+moment what was the result of the marriage between Sir Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe and Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her conduct during
+her maidenhood, her distinguished politeness, her spotless modesty of
+demeanor, her unalterable coolness under all circumstances, and her
+lofty and gentlewomanlike bearing, must be sure that her married conduct
+would equal her spinster behavior, and that Rowena the wife would be a
+pattern of correctness for all the matrons of England.
+
+Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for piety
+was known. Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy and monks of
+the district, whom she fed with the richest viands, while she pinched
+herself upon pulse and water. There was not an invalid in the three
+Ridings, Saxon or Norman, but the palfrey of the Lady Rowena might
+be seen journeying to his door, in company with Father Glauber, her
+almoner, and Brother Thomas of Epsom, her leech. She lighted up all the
+churches in Yorkshire with wax-candles, the offerings of her piety. The
+bells of her chapel began to ring at two o'clock in the morning; and
+all the domestics of Rotherwood were called upon to attend at matins,
+at complins, at nones, at vespers, and at sermon. I need not say that
+fasting was observed with all the rigors of the Church; and that those
+of the servants of the Lady Rowena were looked upon with most favor
+whose hair-shirts were the roughest, and who flagellated themselves with
+the most becoming perseverance.
+
+Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or cooled
+his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy fool in
+England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the shuddering poor
+servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below the salt, it was
+such a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to laugh at the innuendoes
+of the unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile was the best applause he
+could muster. Once, indeed, when Guffo, the goose-boy (a half-witted
+poor wretch), laughed outright at a lamentably stale pun which Wamba
+palmed upon him at supper-time, (it was dark, and the torches being
+brought in, Wamba said, "Guffo, they can't see their way in the
+argument, and are going TO THROW A LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,") the
+Lady Rowena, being disturbed in a theological controversy with Father
+Willibald, (afterwards canonized as St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit
+and confessor,) called out to know what was the cause of the unseemly
+interruption, and Guffo and Wamba being pointed out as the culprits,
+ordered them straightway into the court-yard, and three dozen to be
+administered to each of them.
+
+"I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle," said poor Wamba, piteously,
+appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, "and canst thou not save me from
+the lash?"
+
+"Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf's castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH THE
+JEWESS IN THE TOWER!" said Rowena, haughtily replying to the timid
+appeal of her husband. "Gurth, give him four dozen!"
+
+And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of his
+master.
+
+In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the
+royal blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort, could
+scarcely call his life his own, and was made, in all things, to feel the
+inferiority of his station. And which of us is there acquainted with the
+sex that has not remarked this propensity in lovely woman, and how often
+the wisest in the council are made to be as fools at HER board, and the
+boldest in the battle-field are craven when facing her distaff?
+
+"Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower," was a
+remark, too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader will
+understand, the significancy. When the daughter of Isaac of York brought
+her diamonds and rubies--the poor gentle victim!--and, meekly laying
+them at the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed into foreign lands
+to tend the sick of her people, and to brood over the bootless passion
+which consumed her own pure heart, one would have thought that the heart
+of the royal lady would have melted before such beauty and humility, and
+that she would have been generous in the moment of her victory.
+
+But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being
+handsome and more love-worthy than herself? The Lady Rowena did
+certainly say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, "Come and
+live with me as a sister," as the former part of this history shows; but
+Rebecca knew in her heart that her ladyship's proposition was what
+is called BOSH (in that noble Eastern language with which Wilfrid the
+Crusader was familiar), or fudge, in plain Saxon; and retired with a
+broken, gentle spirit, neither able to bear the sight of her rival's
+happiness, nor willing to disturb it by the contrast of her own
+wretchedness. Rowena, like the most high-bred and virtuous of women,
+never forgave Isaac's daughter her beauty, nor her flirtation with
+Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term it); nor, above all, her
+admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena was actually in
+possession of them.
+
+In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe's teeth. There
+was not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made to remember
+that a Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and that a Christian
+lady of fashion could never forgive the insult. For instance, if Gurth,
+the swineherd, who was now promoted to be a gamekeeper and verderer,
+brought the account of a famous wild-boar in the wood, and proposed a
+hunt, Rowena would say, "Do, Sir Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you
+know your friends the Jews can't abide them!" Or when, as it oft would
+happen, our lion-hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a
+benevolence from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists,
+or extract some of the principal rabbis' teeth, Rowena would exult and
+say, "Serve them right, the misbelieving wretches! England can never be
+a happy country until every one of these monsters is exterminated!" or
+else, adopting a strain of still more savage sarcasm, would exclaim,
+"Ivanhoe my dear, more persecution for the Jews! Hadn't you better
+interfere, my love? His Majesty will do anything for you; and, you know,
+the Jews were ALWAYS SUCH FAVORITES OF YOURS," or words to that effect.
+But, nevertheless, her ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing
+Rebecca's jewels at court, whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or
+at the York assizes and ball, when she appeared there: not of course
+because she took any interest in such things, but because she considered
+it her duty to attend, as one of the chief ladies of the county.
+
+Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his wishes,
+was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous elevation,
+disappointed. Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so in life! Many a
+garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and green, which, when
+beheld closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady walks melancholy and
+grass-grown; the bowers you would fain repose in, cushioned with
+stinging-nettles. I have ridden in a caique upon the waters of the
+Bosphorus, and looked upon the capital of the Soldan of Turkey. As seen
+from those blue waters, with palace and pinnacle, with gilded dome and
+towering cypress, it seemeth a very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter
+the city, and it is but a beggarly labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty
+alleys, where the ways are steep and the smells are foul, tenanted by
+mangy dogs and ragged beggars--a dismal illusion! Life is such, ah,
+well-a-day! It is only hope which is real, and reality is a bitterness
+and a deceit.
+
+Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe's high principles would never bring himself
+to acknowledge this fact; but others did for him. He grew thin, and
+pined away as much as if he had been in a fever under the scorching sun
+of Ascalon. He had no appetite for his meals; he slept ill, though he
+was yawning all day. The jangling of the doctors and friars whom
+Rowena brought together did not in the least enliven him, and he would
+sometimes give proofs of somnolency during their disputes, greatly to
+the consternation of his lady. He hunted a good deal, and, I very much
+fear, as Rowena rightly remarked, that he might have an excuse for being
+absent from home. He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a
+hermit; and when he came back from Athelstane's (whither he would
+repair not unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural
+brilliancy of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be sure,
+was sitting up for him. As for Athelstane, he swore by St. Wullstan that
+he was glad to have escaped a marriage with such a pattern of propriety;
+and honest Cedric the Saxon (who had been very speedily driven out of
+his daughter-in-law's castle) vowed by St. Waltheof that his son had
+bought a dear bargain.
+
+So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his royal
+master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he had squeezed
+from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all the money which he
+could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince began to make war against
+the French King, in Normandy and Guienne, Sir Wilfrid pined like a true
+servant to be in company of the good champion, alongside of whom he
+had shivered so many lances, and dealt such woundy blows of sword and
+battle-axe on the plains of Jaffa or the breaches of Acre. Travellers
+were welcome at Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good
+King: and I warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when
+Father Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James's Chronykyll (which
+was the paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of "another glorious
+triumph"--"Defeat of the French near Blois"--"Splendid victory at Epte,
+and narrow escape of the French King:" the which deeds of arms the
+learned scribes had to narrate.
+
+However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left the
+Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and the more
+moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his Gascony wine.
+Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail hanging vacant on the
+wall, his banner covered with spider-webs, and his sword and axe rusting
+there. "Ah, dear axe," sighed he (into his drinking-horn)--"ah, gentle
+steel! that was a merry time when I sent thee crashing into the pate of
+the Emir Abdul Melik as he rode on the right of Saladin. Ah, my sword,
+my dainty headsman? my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards! is
+the rust to eat thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in
+battle? What is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a
+cobweb for a pennon? O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once
+more thy voice in the front of the onset! Bones of Brian the Templar?
+would ye could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we might
+break another spear for honor and--and--" . . .
+
+"And REBECCA," he would have said; but the knight paused here in rather
+a guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena (as she chose
+to style herself at home) looked so hard at him out of her china-blue
+eyes, that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading his thoughts, and was
+fain to drop his own eyes into his flagon.
+
+In a word, his life was intolerable. The dinner hour of the twelfth
+century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined at ten
+o'clock in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum under her
+canopy, embroidered with the arms of Edward the Confessor, working with
+her maidens at the most hideous pieces of tapestry, representing the
+tortures and martyrdoms of her favorite saints, and not allowing a soul
+to speak above his breath, except when she chose to cry out in her own
+shrill voice when a handmaid made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of
+worsted. It was a dreary life. Wamba, we have said, never ventured to
+crack a joke, save in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and
+then Sir Wilfrid Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but
+hunted in silence, moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with shaft
+and quarrel.
+
+Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless, to
+join him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard, with a
+score or two of lances. But the Earl of Huntingdon was a very different
+character from Robin Hood the forester. There was no more conscientious
+magistrate in all the county than his lordship: he was never known to
+miss church or quarter-sessions; he was the strictest game-proprietor
+in all the Riding, and sent scores of poachers to Botany Bay. "A man who
+has a stake in the country, my good Sir Wilfrid," Lord Huntingdon said,
+with rather a patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat
+since the King had taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong
+as an elephant to mount him)--"a man with a stake in the country
+ought to stay IN the country. Property has its duties as well as its
+privileges, and a person of my rank is bound to live on the land from
+which he gets his living."
+
+"'Amen!" sang out the Reverend ---- Tuck, his lordship's domestic
+chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx, who was
+as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his handkerchief, and
+had his poll shaved and his beard curled every day. And so sanctified
+was his Reverence grown, that he thought it was a shame to kill the
+pretty deer, (though he ate of them still hugely, both in pasties and
+with French beans and currant-jelly,) and being shown a quarter-staff
+upon a certain occasion, handled it curiously, and asked "what that ugly
+great stick was?"
+
+Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun and
+spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come and
+stay at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness of that
+castle. But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself such airs, and
+bored her so intolerably with stories of King Edward the Confessor, that
+she preferred any place rather than Rotherwood, which was as dull as if
+it had been at the top of Mount Athos.
+
+The only person who visited it was Athelstane. "His Royal Highness the
+Prince" Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received with
+royal honors. She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned out with
+presented arms when he arrived; helped him to all Ivanhoe's favorite
+cuts of the mutton or the turkey, and forced her poor husband to
+light him to the state bedroom, walking backwards, holding a pair of
+wax-candles. At this hour of bedtime the Thane used to be in such a
+condition, that he saw two pair of candles and two Ivanhoes reeling
+before him. Let us hope it was not Ivanhoe that was reeling, but only
+his kinsman's brains muddled with the quantities of drink which it was
+his daily custom to consume. Rowena said it was the crack which the
+wicked Bois Guilbert, "the Jewess's OTHER lover, Wilfrid my dear,"
+gave him on his royal skull, which caused the Prince to be disturbed so
+easily; but added, that drinking became a person of royal blood, and was
+but one of the duties of his station.
+
+Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man to
+bear him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he himself was
+every day more and more bent upon going, and he long cast about for some
+means of breaking to his Rowena his firm resolution to join the King.
+He thought she would certainty fall ill if he communicated the news too
+abruptly to her: he would pretend a journey to York to attend a grand
+jury; then a call to London on law business or to buy stock; then he
+would slip over to Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and
+so be with the King before his wife knew that he was out of sight of
+Westminster Hall.
+
+"Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo! to a
+goose, plump, short, and to the point," said Wamba the Jester--who was
+Sir Wilfrid's chief counsellor and attendant--"depend on't her Highness
+would bear the news like a Christian woman."
+
+"Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap," said Sir Wilfrid, in a
+fine tone of high-tragedy indignation. "Thou knowest not the delicacy
+of the nerves of high-born ladies. An she faint not, write me down
+Hollander."
+
+"I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that she
+will let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not the matter
+too strongly," Wamba answered, knowingly. And this Ivanhoe found to his
+discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast, adopting a degage air, as he
+sipped his tea, he said, "My love, I was thinking of going over to pay
+his Majesty a visit in Normandy." Upon which, laying down her muffin,
+(which, since the royal Alfred baked those cakes, had been the chosen
+breakfast cate of noble Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered
+to her on a salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)--"When
+do you think of going, Wilfrid my dear?" the lady said; and the moment
+the tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put away,
+she set about mending his linen, and getting ready his carpet-bag.
+
+So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him as he
+had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the Fool to say,
+"Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board, who, when the
+boatswain flogged him, did cry out 'Oh!' wherever the rope's-end fell on
+him: which caused Master Boatswain to say, 'Plague on thee, fellow, and
+a pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit thee there is no pleasing thee.'"
+
+"And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring,"
+thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, "and mine is one that is ever sore."
+
+So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and
+a large woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife's own white
+fingers had woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join the King his
+master. Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a series of prayers
+and blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord mounted his charger,
+which his squires led to the door. "It was the duty of the British
+female of rank," she said, "to suffer all--ALL in the cause of her
+sovereign. SHE would not fear loneliness during the campaign: she would
+bear up against widowhood, desertion, and an unprotected situation."
+
+"My cousin Athelstane will protect thee," said Ivanhoe, with profound
+emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and bestowing a chaste
+salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena modestly said "she hoped his
+Highness would be so kind."
+
+Then Ivanhoe's trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket-handkerchief:
+then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant of the good Knight,
+Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner (which was argent, a
+gules cramoisy with three Moors impaled sable): then Wamba gave a lash
+on his mule's haunch, and Ivanhoe, heaving a great sigh, turned the tail
+of his war-horse upon the castle of his fathers.
+
+As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane powdering
+along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his great dray-horse
+of a charger. "Good-by, good luck to you, old brick," cried the Prince,
+using the vernacular Saxon. "Pitch into those Frenchmen; give it 'em
+over the face and eyes; and I'll stop at home and take care of Mrs. I."
+
+"Thank you, kinsman," said Ivanhoe--looking, however, not particularly
+well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train of each took its
+different way--Athelstane's to Rotherwood, Ivanhoe's towards his place
+of embarkation.
+
+The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and as
+yellow as a lawyer's parchment; and having longed to quit home any time
+these three years past, he found himself envying Athelstane, because,
+forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which symptoms of discontent being
+observed by the witless Wamba, caused that absurd madman to bring his
+rebeck over his shoulder from his back, and to sing--
+
+               "ATRA CURA.
+
+     "Before I lost my five poor wits,
+     I mind me of a Romish clerk,
+     Who sang how Care, the phantom dark,
+     Beside the belted horseman sits.
+     Methought I saw the griesly sprite
+     Jump up but now behind my Knight."
+
+"Perhaps thou didst, knave," said Ivanhoe, looking over his shoulder;
+and the knave went on with his jingle:
+
+     "And though he gallop as he may,
+     I mark that cursed monster black
+     Still sits behind his honor's back,
+     Tight squeezing of his heart alway.
+     Like two black Templars sit they there,
+     Beside one crupper, Knight and Care.
+
+     "No knight am I with pennoned spear,
+     To prance upon a bold destrere:
+     I will not have black Care prevail
+     Upon my long-eared charger's tail,
+     For lo, I am a witless fool,
+     And laugh at Grief and ride a mule."
+
+And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule's sides.
+
+"Silence, fool!" said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both majestic
+and wrathful. "If thou knowest not care and grief, it is because thou
+knowest not love, whereof they are the companions. Who can love without
+an anxious heart? How shall there be joy at meeting, without tears at
+parting?" ("I did not see that his honor or my lady shed many anon,"
+thought Wamba the Fool; but he was only a zany, and his mind was not
+right.) "I would not exchange my very sorrows for thine indifference,"
+the knight continued. "Where there is a sun, there must be a shadow. If
+the shadow offend me, shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark? No!
+I am content with my fate, even such as it is. The Care of which thou
+speakest, hard though it may vex him, never yet rode down an honest
+man. I can bear him on my shoulders, and make my way through the world's
+press in spite of him; for my arm is strong, and my sword is keen, and
+my shield has no stain on it; and my heart, though it is sad, knows no
+guile." And here, taking a locket out of his waistcoat (which was made
+of chain-mail), the knight kissed the token, put it back under the
+waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and stuck spurs into his horse.
+
+As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid
+was making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on the
+knight's part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to the
+fool,) and so did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe's pompous
+remarks. They travelled on by slow stages through the whole kingdom,
+until they came to Dover, whence they took shipping for Calais. And in
+this little voyage, being exceedingly sea-sick, and besides elated at
+the thought of meeting his sovereign, the good knight cast away that
+profound melancholy which had accompanied him during the whole of his
+land journey.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE LAST DAYS OF THE LION.
+
+
+From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across country to
+Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses and the rest of
+his attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who travelled not only as
+the knight's fool, but as his valet, and who, perched on the roof of the
+carriage, amused himself by blowing tunes upon the conducteur's French
+horn. The good King Richard was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin,
+encamped before a little place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a
+vassal of the King's, was holding the castle against his sovereign with
+a resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the
+part of the Monarch with the Lion Heart. For brave and magnanimous as
+he was, the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more than
+another; and, like the royal animal whom he was said to resemble, he
+commonly tore his adversary to pieces, and then, perchance, had leisure
+to think how brave the latter had been. The Count of Chalus had found,
+it was said, a pot of money; the royal Richard wanted it. As the count
+denied that he had it, why did he not open the gates of his castle
+at once? It was a clear proof that he was guilty; and the King was
+determined to punish this rebel, and have his money and his life too.
+
+He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those
+instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the place
+a score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been beaten
+back on every occasion, until he was so savage that it was dangerous
+to approach the British Lion. The Lion's wife, the lovely Berengaria,
+scarcely ventured to come near him. He flung the joint-stools in his
+tent at the heads of the officers of state, and kicked his aides-de-camp
+round his pavilion; and, in fact, a maid of honor, who brought a
+sack-posset in to his Majesty from the Queen after he came in from the
+assault, came spinning like a football out of the royal tent just as
+Ivanhoe entered it.
+
+"Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!" roared out the infuriate
+King. "By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the sack! By St.
+Wittikind, I will have her flayed alive. Ha, St. George! ha, St.
+Richard! whom have we here?" And he lifted up his demi-culverin, or
+curtal-axe--a weapon weighing about thirteen hundredweight--and was
+about to fling it at the intruder's head, when the latter, kneeling
+gracefully on one knee, said calmly, "It is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe."
+
+"What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the
+henpecked!" cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor, flinging
+away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed (it lighted
+three hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon, who was smoking
+a cigar at the door of his tent, and caused that redoubted warrior to
+limp for some days after). "What, Wilfrid my gossip? Art come to see
+the lion's den? There are bones in it, man, bones and carcasses, and the
+lion is angry," said the King, with a terrific glare of his eyes. "But
+tush! we will talk of that anon. Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for
+the King and the good Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe. Thou art come in
+time, Wilfrid, for, by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand
+assault to-morrow. There will be bones broken, ha!"
+
+"I care not, my liege," said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign
+respectfully, and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of hypocras
+to his Highness's good health. And he at once appeared to be taken into
+high favor; not a little to the envy of many of the persons surrounding
+the King.
+
+As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty before
+Chalus. Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the castle, but
+it was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his gallant
+garrison, that each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties returning
+disconsolately to their tents, leaving behind them many of their own
+slain, and bringing back with them store of broken heads and maimed
+limbs, received in the unsuccessful onset. The valor displayed by
+Ivanhoe in all these contests was prodigious; and the way in which
+he escaped death from the discharges of mangonels, catapults,
+battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling oil, and other artillery,
+with which the besieged received their enemies, was remarkable. After
+a day's fighting, Gurth and Wamba used to pick the arrows out of their
+intrepid master's coat-of-mail, as if they had been so many almonds in
+a pudding. 'Twas well for the good knight, that under his first coat-of
+armor he wore a choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly impervious to
+arrow-shots, and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac of York, to
+whom he had done some considerable services a few years back.
+
+If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated failures of
+his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice was blinded in
+the lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the first to acknowledge
+the valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would have given him a Peerage
+and the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a dozen times in the course of
+the siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a dozen storming parties, and with
+his own hand killed as many men (viz, two thousand three hundred
+and fifty-one) within six, as were slain by the lion-hearted monarch
+himself. But his Majesty was rather disgusted than pleased by his
+faithful servant's prowess; and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for
+his superior valor and dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of
+hundreds of them of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings
+host could not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the
+royal mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of
+arms with an evil eye. Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King that
+Sir Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill more men
+than Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de Toadhole said that
+Ivanhoe stated everywhere that his Majesty was not the man he used to
+be; that pleasures and drink had enervated him; that he could neither
+ride, nor strike a blow with sword or axe, as he had been enabled to do
+in the old times in Palestine: and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault,
+in which they had very nearly carried the place, and in which onset
+Ivanhoe slew seven, and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de
+Chalus, its defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his
+banner before the King's upon the wall; and only rescued himself from
+utter disgrace by saving his Majesty's life several times in the course
+of this most desperate onslaught.
+
+Then the luckless knight's very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected
+readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men--nor was Ivanhoe liked
+by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard. His young
+Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the pleasure-loving
+monarch. His Majesty would transact business in the morning, then fight
+severely from after breakfast till about three o'clock in the afternoon;
+from which time, until after midnight, there was nothing but jigging
+and singing, feasting and revelry, in the royal tents. Ivanhoe, who
+was asked as a matter of ceremony, and forced to attend these
+entertainments, not caring about the blandishments of any of the ladies
+present, looked on at their ogling and dancing with a countenance as
+glum as an undertaker's, and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst
+of the festivities. His favorite resort and conversation were with a
+remarkably austere hermit, who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus, and
+with whom Ivanhoe loved to talk about Palestine, and the Jews, and other
+grave matters of import, better than to mingle in the gayest amusements
+of the court of King Richard. Many a night, when the Queen and the
+ladies were dancing quadrilles and polkas (in which his Majesty, who was
+enormously stout as well as tall, insisted upon figuring, and in which
+he was about as graceful as an elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe
+would steal away from the ball, and come and have a night's chat under
+the moon with his reverend friend. It pained him to see a man of the
+King's age and size dancing about with the young folks. They laughed
+at his Majesty whilst they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor
+mimicked the royal mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe ever
+could have laughed, he certainly would one night when the King, in
+light-blue satin inexpressibles, with his hair in powder, chose to dance
+the minuet de la cour with the little Queen Berangeria.
+
+Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and begin to
+sing. He was said to compose his own songs--words and music--but those
+who have read Lord Campobello's "Lives of the Lord Chancellors" are
+aware that there was a person by the name of Blondel, who, in fact, did
+all the musical part of the King's performances; and as for the words,
+when a king writes verses, we may be sure there will be plenty of people
+to admire his poetry. His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which
+he had stolen every idea, to an air that was ringing on all the
+barrel-organs of Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would
+say, "How do you like that? I dashed it off this morning." Or, "Blondel,
+what do you think of this movement in B flat?" or what not; and the
+courtiers and Blondel, you may be sure, would applaud with all their
+might, like hypocrites as they were.
+
+One evening--it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed--his
+Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a quantity
+of his so-called composition, until the people were fairly tired of
+clapping with their hands and laughing in their sleeves. First he sang
+an ORIGINAL air and poem, beginning
+
+     "Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose,
+     Fresh and fair ones, who'll refuse?" &c.
+
+The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the day
+before yesterday. Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic melody, of
+which the chorus was
+
+     "Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea,
+     For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be," &c.
+
+The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except
+Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until the
+King questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said "he thought he had
+heard something very like the air and the words elsewhere." His Majesty
+scowled at him a savage glance from under his red bushy eyebrows; but
+Ivanhoe had saved the royal life that day, and the King, therefore, with
+difficulty controlled his indignation.
+
+"Well," said he, "by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard THIS
+song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath after the
+melee. Did I not, Blondel?"
+
+Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty had
+done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his great
+red fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as follows:--
+
+     "COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL.
+
+     "The Pope he is a happy man,
+     His Palace is the Vatican,
+     And there he sits and drains his can:
+     The Pope he is a happy man.
+     I often say when I'm at home,
+     I'd like to be the Pope of Rome.
+
+     "And then there's Sultan Saladin,
+     That Turkish Soldan full of sin;
+     He has a hundred wives at least,
+     By which his pleasure is increased:
+     I've often wished, I hope no sin,
+     That I were Sultan Saladin.
+
+     "But no, the Pope no wife may choose,
+     And so I would not wear his shoes;
+     No wine may drink the proud Paynim,
+     And so I'd rather not be him:
+     My wife, my wine, I love I hope,
+     And would be neither Turk nor Pope."
+
+"Encore! Encore! Bravo! Bis!" Everybody applauded the King's song with
+all his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved his abominable
+gravity: and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite whether he had heard
+that too, said firmly, "Yes, Roger de Backbite; and so hast thou if thou
+darest but tell the truth."
+
+"Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again," bawled the King
+in a fury, "if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may I die in
+to-morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song. Sing thyself, Wilfrid
+of the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could'st sing a good song in old times." And
+with all his might, and with a forced laugh, the King, who loved brutal
+practical jests, flung his guitar at the head of Ivanhoe.
+
+Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an elegant
+bow to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:--
+
+                             "KING CANUTE.
+
+     "King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score,
+     Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing
+     more;
+     And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore.
+
+     "'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps
+          sedate,
+     Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks
+          great,
+     Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,--all the officers of state.
+
+     "Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause,
+     If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped
+          their jaws;
+     If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws.
+
+     "But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and
+        young:
+     Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen
+        sung,
+     Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her
+        tongue.
+
+     "'Something ails my gracious master,' cried the Keeper of the Seal.
+     'Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?'
+     'Psha!' exclaimed the angry monarch.  'Keeper, 'tis not that I
+          feel.
+
+     "''Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest
+          impair:
+     Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care?
+     Oh, I'm sick, and tired, and weary.'--Some one cried, 'The King's
+        arm-chair?'
+
+     "Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded,
+     Straight the King's great chair was brought him, by two footmen
+        able-bodied;
+     Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded.
+
+     "'Leading on my fierce companions,' cried be, 'over storm and
+          brine,
+     I have fought and I have conquered!  Where was glory like to mine?'
+     Loudly all the courtiers echoed: 'Where is glory like to thine?'
+
+     "'What avail me all my kingdoms?  Weary am I now, and old;
+     Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold;
+     Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould!
+
+     "'Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites;
+     Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights;
+     Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights.
+
+     "'Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires;
+     Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered
+     sires.'--Such a tender conscience,' cries the Bishop, 'every
+          one admires.
+
+     "'But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to
+         search,
+     They're forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church;
+     Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch.
+
+     "'Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace's
+          bounty raised;
+     Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily
+          praised:
+     YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I'm amazed!'
+
+     "'Nay, I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near.'
+     'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a
+     tear).
+     'Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty
+          year.'
+
+     "'Live these fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to
+          suit.
+     'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute!
+     Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do't.
+
+     "'Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela,
+     Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn't the King as well as
+     they?'
+     'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, 'fervently I trust he may.'
+
+     "'HE to die?' resumed the Bishop.  'He a mortal like to US?
+     Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus:
+     Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus.
+
+     "'With his wondrous skill in healing ne'er a doctor can compete,
+     Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet;
+     Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet.
+
+     "'Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill,
+     And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still?
+     So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.'
+
+     "'Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?' Canute cried;
+     'Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride?
+     If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide.
+
+     "'Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?'
+     Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, 'Land and sea, my lord, are thine.'
+     Canute turned towards the ocean--'Back!' he said, 'thou foaming
+     brine
+
+     "'From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat;
+     Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master's seat:
+     Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!'
+
+     "But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar,
+     And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore;
+     Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore.
+
+     "And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay,
+     But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey:
+     And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day.
+     King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway."
+
+At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as a
+sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some affected
+to be asleep and snore outright. But Roger de Backbite thinking to curry
+favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity, his Majesty fetched
+him a knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear, which, I warrant me,
+wakened Master Roger; to whom the King said, "Listen and be civil,
+slave; Wilfrid is singing about thee.--Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but
+it is to the purpose, and I have grown cool during thy homily. Give
+me thy hand, honest friend. Ladies, good night. Gentlemen, we give the
+grand assault to-morrow; when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall
+not be before mine."--And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty,
+retired into the private pavilion.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+ST. GEORGE FOR ENGLAND.
+
+
+Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp outside
+the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most miserable
+plight that may be conceived. Hunger, as well as the fierce assaults
+of the besiegers, had made dire ravages in the place. The garrison's
+provisions of corn and cattle, their very horses, dogs, and donkeys had
+been eaten up--so that it might well be said by Wamba "that famine, as
+well as slaughter, had THINNED the garrison." When the men of Chalus
+came on the walls to defend it against the scaling-parties of King
+Richard, they were like so many skeletons in armor; they could hardly
+pull their bowstrings at last, or pitch down stones on the heads of his
+Majesty's party, so weak had their arms become; and the gigantic Count
+of Chalus--a warrior as redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard
+Plantagenet himself--was scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe upon
+the day of that last assault, when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran him
+through the--but we are advancing matters.
+
+What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which the
+Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his heroic sons
+and garrison?--Nothing, but that Dante has already done the business
+in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my efforts might be
+considered as mere imitations. Why should I not, if I were minded to
+revel in horrifying details, show you how the famished garrison drew
+lots, and ate themselves during the siege; and how the unlucky lot
+falling upon the Countess of Chalus, that heroic woman, taking an
+affectionate leave of her family, caused her large caldron in the castle
+kitchen to be set a-boiling, had onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and
+salt made ready, to make a savory soup, as the French like it; and when
+all things were quite completed, kissed her children, jumped into the
+caldron from off a kitchen stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel
+bed-gown? Dear friends, it is not from want of imagination, or from
+having no turn for the terrible or pathetic, that I spare you these
+details. I could give you some description that would spoil your dinner
+and night's rest, and make your hair stand on end. But why harrow your
+feelings? Fancy all the tortures and horrors that possibly can occur in
+a beleaguered and famished castle: fancy the feelings of men who know
+that no more quarter will be given them than they would get if they
+were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and brought to trial by his
+Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then let us rush on to the breach
+and prepare once more to meet the assault of dreadful King Richard and
+his men.
+
+On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having copiously
+partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and advanced with
+his host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus. Arthur de Pendennis
+bore his banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on the King's right hand.
+Molyneux, Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed crosier and mitre for that
+day, and though fat and pursy, panted up the breach with the most
+resolute spirit, roaring out war-cries and curses, and wielding a
+prodigious mace of iron, with which he did good execution. Roger de
+Backbite was forced to come in attendance upon the sovereign, but took
+care to keep in the rear of his august master, and to shelter behind his
+huge triangular shield as much as possible. Many lords of note followed
+the King and bore the ladders; and as they were placed against the wall,
+the air was perfectly dark with the shower of arrows which the French
+archers poured out at the besiegers, and the cataract of stones,
+kettles, bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery, umbrellas,
+congreve-rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other missiles
+which the desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party. The King
+received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany
+wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an
+ox, and would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off
+skilfully. Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them like
+grass beneath the scythe of the mower.
+
+The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining round: the
+King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount them. Chalus stood
+in the breach, borrowing strength from despair; and roaring out, "Ha!
+Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!" he dealt the King a crack across
+the helmet with his battle-axe, which shore off the gilt lion and
+crown that surmounted the steel cap. The King bent and reeled back; the
+besiegers were dismayed; the garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a
+shout of triumph: but it was premature.
+
+As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in tierce,
+which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him through as
+clean as a spit does a partridge. Uttering a horrid shriek, he fell
+back writhing; the King recovering staggered up the parapet; the rush
+of knights followed, and the union-jack was planted triumphantly on the
+walls, just as Ivanhoe,--but we must leave him for a moment.
+
+"Ha, St. Richard!--ha, St. George!" the tremendous voice of the
+Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset. At every sweep
+of his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting trunk
+tumbled, bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan. The world hath never
+seen a warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet, as he raged
+over the keep, his eyes flashing fire through the bars of his morion,
+snorting and chafing with the hot lust of battle. One by one les enfans
+de Chalus had fallen; there was only one left at last of all the brave
+race that had fought round the gallant Count:--only one, and but a boy,
+a fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed boy! he had been gathering pansies in the
+fields but yesterday--it was but a few years, and he was a baby in his
+mother's arms! What could his puny sword do against the most redoubted
+blade in Christendom?--and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of
+England, and met him foot to foot! Turn away, turn away, my dear young
+friends and kind-hearted ladies! Do not look at that ill-fated poor boy!
+his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the conqueror, and
+the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . .
+
+"Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges," said Bertrand de Gourdon, "the
+butcher will never strike down yonder lambling! Hold thy hand, Sir King,
+or, by St. Barbacue--"
+
+Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his shoulder,
+the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the next moment
+crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet.
+
+'Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon! Maddened by the pain of the
+wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish appetite
+for blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and with a curse too
+horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal butcher fell down
+on the blond ringlets of the child, and the children of Chalus were no
+more! . . .
+
+
+I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT be
+done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as in the
+battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one of whose
+works this present masterpiece is professedly a continuation, everything
+passes off agreeably--the people are slain, but without any unpleasant
+sensation to the reader; nay, some of the most savage and blood-stained
+characters of history, such is the indomitable good-humor of the great
+novelist, become amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a hearty
+sympathy--so, if you please, we will have this fighting business at
+Chalus, and the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon, disposed of;
+the former, according to the usage of the good old times, having been
+hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the manner
+described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History.
+
+As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of
+Bertrand de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero--and that from that
+29th of March he never robbed nor murdered any more. And we have legends
+in recondite books of the manner of the King's death.
+
+"You must die, my son," said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as
+Berengaria was carried shrieking from the King's tent. "Repent, Sir
+King, and separate yourself from your children!"
+
+"It is ill jesting with a dying man," replied the King. "Children have I
+none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me."
+
+"Richard of England," said the archbishop, turning up his fine eyes,
+"your vices are your children. Ambition is your eldest child, Cruelty
+is your second child, Luxury is your third child; and you have nourished
+them from your youth up. Separate yourself from these sinful ones, and
+prepare your soul, for the hour of departure draweth nigh."
+
+Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England met
+his death like a Christian man. Peace be to the soul of the brave! When
+the news came to King Philip of France, he sternly forbade his courtiers
+to rejoice at the death of his enemy. "It is no matter of joy but of
+dolor," he said, "that the bulwark of Christendom and the bravest king
+of Europe is no more."
+
+
+Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left in the
+act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus through the
+body?
+
+As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse of
+his fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a dagger into
+his back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open (for Sir Wilfrid
+had armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his breast, not his back,
+that he was accustomed ordinarily to protect); and when poor Wamba came
+up on the rampart, which he did when the fighting was over,--being
+such a fool that he could not be got to thrust his head into danger for
+glory's sake--he found his dear knight with the dagger in his back
+lying without life upon the body of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon
+slain.
+
+Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed!
+How he lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend! What
+mattered it to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to his tent,
+and that Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive? At another time the sight
+of this spectacle might have amused the simple knave; but now all his
+thoughts were of his lord: so good, so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so
+frank with the great, so tender to the poor, so truthful of speech, so
+modest regarding his own merit, so true a gentleman, in a word, that
+anybody might, with reason, deplore him.
+
+As Wamba opened the dear knight's corselet, he found a locket round
+his neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my
+Lady Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black, Wamba
+thought, as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight had rescued
+in the lists of Templestowe. A bit of Rowena's hair was in Sir Wilfrid's
+possession, too; but that was in his purse along with his seal of arms,
+and a couple of groats: for the good knight never kept any money, so
+generous was he of his largesses when money came in.
+
+Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket of
+hair round his master's neck, and when he returned to England never said
+a word about the circumstance. After all, how should he know whose hair
+it was? It might have been the knight's grandmother's hair for aught the
+fool knew; so he kept his counsel when he brought back the sad news and
+tokens to the disconsolate widow at Rotherwood.
+
+The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed sat
+by it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when, seeing two
+suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he fled in dismay,
+supposing that they were marauders who were out searching for booty
+among the dead bodies; and having not the least courage, he fled from
+these, and tumbled down the breach, and never stopped running as fast as
+his legs would carry him, until he reached the tent of his late beloved
+master.
+
+The news of the knight's demise, it appeared, had been known at his
+quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden off
+on his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much as a
+shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and blankets had been
+carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants. Who had slain Ivanhoe? That
+remains a mystery to the present day; but Roger de Backbite, whose nose
+he had pulled for defamation, and who was behind him in the assault at
+Chalus, was seen two years afterwards at the court of King John in
+an embroidered velvet waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had
+worked for Ivanhoe, and about which the widow would have made some
+little noise, but that--but that she was no longer a widow.
+
+That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned,
+for she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York could
+supply, and erected a monument to his memory as big as a minster. But
+she was a lady of such fine principles, that she did not allow her grief
+to overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily arising for uniting the
+two best Saxon families in England, by an alliance between herself
+and the gentleman who offered himself to her, Rowena sacrificed her
+inclination to remain single, to her sense of duty; and contracted a
+second matrimonial engagement.
+
+That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with life, and
+novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly natural and
+edifying, can for a moment doubt. Cardinal Pandulfo tied the knot for
+them: and lest there should be any doubt about Ivanhoe's death (for his
+body was never sent home after all, nor seen after Wamba ran away from
+it), his Eminence procured a Papal decree annulling the former marriage,
+so that Rowena became Mrs. Athelstane with a clear conscience. And who
+shall be surprised, if she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane
+than with the gentle and melancholy Wilfrid? Did women never have a
+predilection for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with
+donkeys, before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania? Ah! Mary,
+had you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack Bray,
+when a Michael Angelo offered? Ah! Fanny, were you not a woman, would
+you persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and comes home
+tipsy from the Club? Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times more about tipsy
+Athelstane than ever she had done for gentle Ivanhoe, and so great was
+her infatuation about the former, that she would sit upon his knee in
+the presence of all her maidens, and let him smoke his cigars in the
+very drawing-room.
+
+This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who piqued
+himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the death of her
+late lord:--
+
+     Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus:
+     Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia
+     Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat:
+     Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit.
+     Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa,
+     Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani.
+
+And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of the
+Latin lines:
+
+                 "REQUIESCAT.
+
+     "Under the stone you behold,
+     Buried, and coffined, and cold,
+     Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold.
+
+     "Always he marched in advance,
+     Warring in Flanders and France,
+     Doughty with sword and with lance.
+
+     "Famous in Saracen fight,
+     Rode in his youth the good knight,
+     Scattering Paynims in flight.
+
+     "Brian the Templar untrue,
+     Fairly in tourney he slew,
+     Saw Hierusalem too.
+
+     "Now he is buried and gone,
+     Lying beneath the gray stone:
+     Where shall you find such a one?
+
+     "Long time his widow deplored,
+     Weeping the fate of her lord,
+     Sadly cut off by the sword.
+
+     "When she was eased of her pain,
+     Came the good Lord Athelstane,
+     When her ladyship married again."
+
+Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last
+line, but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane
+interceded; and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+IVANHOE REDIVIVUS.
+
+
+I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last
+chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead. Because we have given
+him an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons that he
+should be really gone out of the world? No: as in the pantomime, when
+we see Clown and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and cry over him, we are
+always sure that Master Harlequin will be up at the next minute alert
+and shining in his glistening coat; and, after giving a box on the ears
+to the pair of them, will be taking a dance with Columbine, or leaping
+gayly through the clock-face, or into the three-pair-of-stairs'
+window:--so Sir Wilfrid, the Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be
+run through a little, or may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly
+rise up again when he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment.
+
+The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no
+cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no other
+than Ivanhoe's friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of his, who
+visited the scene of the late battle in order to see if any Christians
+still survived there, whom they might shrive and get ready for heaven,
+or to whom they might possibly offer the benefit of their skill as
+leeches. Both were prodigiously learned in the healing art; and had
+about them those precious elixirs which so often occur in romances, and
+with which patients are so miraculously restored. Abruptly dropping his
+master's head from his lap as he fled, poor Wamba caused the knight's
+pate to fall with rather a heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave
+had but stayed a minute longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a
+deep groan. But though the fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and
+to recognize the gallant Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger
+still sticking out of his back, to wash the wound with a portion of the
+precious elixir, and to pour a little of it down his throat, was with
+the excellent hermits the work of an instant: which remedies being
+applied, one of the good men took the knight by the heels and the other
+by the head, and bore him daintily from the castle to their hermitage in
+a neighboring rock. As for the Count of Chalus, and the remainder of the
+slain, the hermits were too much occupied with Ivanhoe's case to mind
+them, and did not, it appears, give them any elixir: so that, if they
+are really dead, they must stay on the rampart stark and cold; or if
+otherwise, when the scene closes upon them as it does now, they may
+get up, shake themselves, go to the slips and drink a pot of porter, or
+change their stage-clothes and go home to supper. My dear readers, you
+may settle the matter among yourselves as you like. If you wish to kill
+the characters really off, let them be dead, and have done with them:
+but, entre nous, I don't believe they are any more dead than you or I
+are, and sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable of truth in
+this whole story.
+
+Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits' cell, and there doctored by the
+holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and dangerous
+order, that he was under medical treatment for a very considerable time.
+When he woke up from his delirium, and asked how long he had been ill,
+fancy his astonishment when he heard that he had been in the fever for
+six years! He thought the reverend fathers were joking at first, but
+their profession forbade them from that sort of levity; and besides,
+he could not possibly have got well any sooner, because the story would
+have been sadly put out had he appeared earlier. And it proves how good
+the fathers were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger
+de Backbite's dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under
+this great length of time; during the whole of which the fathers tended
+him without ever thinking of a fee. I know of a kind physician in this
+town who does as much sometimes; but I won't do him the ill service of
+mentioning his name here.
+
+Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard, which by
+this time hung down considerably below his knees, and calling for his
+suit of chain-armor, which before had fitted his elegant person as tight
+as wax, now put it on, and it bagged and hung so loosely about him, that
+even the good friars laughed at his absurd appearance. It was impossible
+that he should go about the country in such a garb as that: the very
+boys would laugh at him: so the friars gave him one of their old gowns,
+in which he disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell
+of his friends, set forth on his return to his native country. As he
+went along, he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that
+Prince Arthur had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted with
+various other facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock's Catechism
+and the Historic Page.
+
+But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own private
+affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him, and his
+pilgrim's staff shook with emotion, as at length, after many perils, he
+came in sight of his paternal mansion of Rotherwood, and saw once more
+the chimneys smoking, the shadows of the oaks over the grass in the
+sunset, and the rooks winging over the trees. He heard the supper
+gong sounding: he knew his way to the door well enough; he entered the
+familiar hall with a benedicite, and without any more words took his
+place.
+
+*****
+
+You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled and his
+shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself presently:
+nor could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered his face.
+
+A little boy was playing on Athelstane's knee; Rowena smiling and
+patting the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a huge
+cup of spiced wine from a golden jug. He drained a quart of the liquor,
+and, turning round, addressed the friar:--
+
+"And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus by the
+bolt of that felon bowman?"
+
+"We did, an it please you. The brothers of our house attended the good
+King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian ending!"
+
+"And didst thou see the archer flayed alive? It must have been rare
+sport," roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke. "How the fellow
+must have howled!"
+
+"My love!" said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty white
+finger on his lip.
+
+"I would have liked to see it too," cried the boy.
+
+"That's my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt. And, friar, didst
+see my poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe? They say he fought well at
+Chalus!"
+
+"My sweet lord," again interposed Rowena, "mention him not."
+
+"Why? Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore--when you could
+not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?"
+
+"Those times are past now, dear Athelstane," said his affectionate wife,
+looking up to the ceiling.
+
+"Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena."
+
+"The odious hussy! don't mention the name of the unbelieving creature,"
+exclaimed the lady.
+
+"Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad--a thought melancholy and milksop
+though. Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains."
+
+"Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance," said the friar. "I have heard
+there was none better in Christendom. He lay in our convent after his
+wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died. He was buried in
+our north cloister."
+
+"And there's an end of him," said Athelstane. "But come, this is dismal
+talk. Where's Wamba the Jester? Let us have a song. Stir up, Wamba, and
+don't lie like a dog in the fire! Sing us a song, thou crack-brained
+jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones. Tush, man! There be many
+good fellows left in this world."
+
+"There be buzzards in eagles' nests," Wamba said, who was lying
+stretched before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane's dogs.
+"There be dead men alive, and live men dead. There be merry songs and
+dismal songs. Marry, and the merriest are the saddest sometimes. I will
+leave off motley and wear black, gossip Athelstane. I will turn howler
+at funerals, and then, perhaps, I shall be merry. Motley is fit for
+mutes, and black for fools. Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is
+as cracked as my brain."
+
+"Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating," the Thane said.
+
+And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side and
+curled his lean shanks together and began:--
+
+                 "LOVE AT TWO SCORE.
+
+          "Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin,
+             That never has known the barber's shear,
+          All your aim is woman to win--
+          This is the way that boys begin--
+            Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+          "Curly gold locks cover foolish brains,
+             Billing and cooing is all your cheer,
+           Sighing and singing of midnight strains
+           Under Bonnybells' window-panes.
+             Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+          "Forty times over let Michaelmas pass,
+             Grizzling hair the brain doth clear;
+           Then you know a boy is an ass,
+           Then you know the worth of a lass,
+             Once you have come to forty year.
+
+          "Pledge me round, I bid ye declare,
+             All good fellows whose beards are gray:
+           Did not the fairest of the fair
+           Common grow, and wearisome, ere
+             Ever a month was passed away?
+
+          "The reddest lips that ever have kissed,
+             The brightest eyes that ever have shone,
+           May pray and whisper and we not list,
+           Or look away and never be missed,
+             Ere yet ever a month was gone.
+
+          "Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier,
+             How I loved her twenty years syne!
+           Marian's married, but I sit here,
+           Alive and merry at forty year,
+             Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine."
+
+"Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?" roared
+Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the chorus.
+
+"It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst,
+that you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we
+knew King Richard. Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good
+priest."
+
+"They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love,"
+said Rowena. "His Majesty hath taken him into much favor. My Lord of
+Huntingdon looked very well at the last ball; but I never could see any
+beauty in the Countess--a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they used to
+call Maid Marian: though, for the matter of that, what between her
+flirtations with Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, really--"
+
+"Jealous again--haw! haw!" laughed Athelstane.
+
+"I am above jealousy, and scorn it," Rowena answered, drawing herself up
+very majestically.
+
+"Well, well, Wamba's was a good song," Athelstane said.
+
+"Nay, a wicked song," said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. "What!
+rail at woman's love? Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true wife?
+Woman's love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it would be
+a blasphemer were he not a fool. The well-born and well-nurtured
+gentlewoman loves once and once only."
+
+"I pray you, madam, pardon me, I--I am not well," said the gray friar,
+rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the steps of the
+dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as he rose, and casting
+his arms around the apparently fainting man, he led him away into the
+court. "There be dead men alive and live men dead," whispered he. "There
+be coffins to laugh at and marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth, holy
+friar?" And when they had got out into the solitary court, which was
+deserted by all the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the
+drunken revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt
+down, and kissing the friar's garment, said, "I knew thee, I knew thee,
+my lord and my liege!"
+
+"Get up," said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate: "only
+fools are faithful."
+
+And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay
+buried. All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester lay
+outside watching as mute as the saint over the porch.
+
+
+When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the habit
+of wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice was taken of
+his absence by a master and mistress who had not much sense of humor.
+As for Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of feelings could not be
+expected to remain in a house where things so naturally disagreeable
+to him were occurring, and he quitted Rotherwood incontinently, after
+paying a dutiful visit to the tomb where his old father, Cedric, was
+buried; and hastened on to York, at which city he made himself known to
+the family attorney, a most respectable man, in whose hands his ready
+money was deposited, and took up a sum sufficient to fit himself
+out with credit, and a handsome retinue, as became a knight of
+consideration. But he changed his name, wore a wig and spectacles, and
+disguised himself entirely, so that it was impossible his friends or the
+public should know him, and thus metamorphosed, went about whithersoever
+his fancy led him. He was present at a public ball at York, which the
+lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de Coverley in the very same set with
+Rowena--(who was disgusted that Maid Marian took precedence of her)--he
+saw little Athelstane overeat himself at the supper and pledge his big
+father in a cup of sack; he met the Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary
+meeting, where he seconded a resolution proposed by that eminent
+divine;--in fine, he saw a score of his old acquaintances, none of whom
+recognized in him the warrior of Palestine and Templestowe. Having a
+large fortune and nothing to do, he went about this country performing
+charities, slaying robbers, rescuing the distressed, and achieving noble
+feats of arms. Dragons and giants existed in his day no more, or be
+sure he would have had a fling at them: for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid
+of Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life which the hermits of Chalus
+had restored to him, and felt himself so friendless and solitary that he
+would not have been sorry to come to an end of it. Ah, my dear friends
+and intelligent British public, are there not others who are melancholy
+under a mask of gayety, and who, in the midst of crowds, are lonely?
+Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi had feelings; and there are
+others I wot of:--but psha!--let us have the next chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+IVANHOE TO THE RESCUE.
+
+
+The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of Richard of
+the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his relatives, his
+nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and set forth clearly in
+the Historic Page: hence, although nothing, except perhaps success, can,
+in my opinion, excuse disaffection to the sovereign, or appearance in
+armed rebellion against him, the loyal reader will make allowance for
+two of the principal personages of this narrative, who will have to
+appear in the present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their
+lord and king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the
+fault of Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly
+punished, as you shall presently hear,) that the monarch exasperated
+his subjects in a variety of ways,--that before he murdered his royal
+nephew, Prince Arthur, there was a great question whether he was the
+rightful king of England at all,--that his behavior as an uncle, and
+a family man, was likely to wound the feelings of any lady and
+mother,--finally, that there were palliations for the conduct of Rowena
+and Ivanhoe, which it now becomes our duty to relate.
+
+When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was one
+of the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court at once,
+and retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made use of by her,
+and derogatory to the character of the sovereign, were carried to the
+monarch's ears, by some of those parasites, doubtless, by whom it is
+the curse of kings to be attended; and John swore, by St. Peter's teeth,
+that he would be revenged upon the haughty Saxon lady,--a kind of oath
+which, though he did not trouble himself about all other oaths, he was
+never known to break. It was not for some years after he had registered
+this vow, that he was enabled to keep it.
+
+Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his horrid
+designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir Wilfrid would
+have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe was, as we need
+scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the custom and duty of all
+gentlemen of that profession to be present on all occasions of historic
+interest, to be engaged in all conspiracies, royal interviews, and
+remarkable occurrences: and hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have
+rescued the young Prince, had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of
+Rouen, where the foul tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred
+leagues off, at Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his
+bed as crazy as a Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue
+(which he had caught up during a previous illness in which he was tended
+by a maiden of that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben Isaacs, of whom,
+being a married man, he never would have thought, had he been in his
+sound senses. During this delirium, what were politics to him, or he to
+politics? King John or King Arthur was entirely indifferent to a man
+who announced to his nurse-tenders, the good hermits of Chalus before
+mentioned, that he was the Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry
+Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. In a word, he only heard of what had
+occurred when he reached England, and his senses were restored to him.
+Whether was he happier, sound of brain and entirely miserable, (as any
+man would be who found so admirable a wife as Rowena married again,)
+or perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful Rebecca? I don't know
+which he liked best.
+
+Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so thorough
+a detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be brought to take
+service under him; to get himself presented at St. James's, or in any
+way to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, the authority of the
+sanguinary successor of his beloved King Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe, I need scarcely say, who got the Barons of England to league
+together and extort from the king that famous instrument and palladium
+of our liberties at present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street,
+Bloomsbury--the Magna Charta. His name does not naturally appear in the
+list of Barons, because he was only a knight, and a knight in
+disguise too: nor does Athelstane's signature figure on that document.
+Athelstane, in the first place, could not write; nor did he care a
+pennypiece about politics, so long as he could drink his wine at home
+undisturbed, and have his hunting and shooting in quiet.
+
+It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of every
+gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic Page that
+this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into open rebellion,
+along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. It is recorded of the
+King, that he forbade every man to hunt his own deer; and, in order to
+secure an obedience to his orders, this Herod of a monarch wanted to
+secure the eldest sons of all the nobility and gentry, as hostages for
+the good behavior of their parents.
+
+Athelstane was anxious about his game--Rowena was anxious about her
+son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all Norman
+tyrants--the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the ruffian who
+had murdered his own nephew?* The speeches of both were brought to
+the King at York; and, furious, he ordered an instant attack upon
+Rotherwood, and that the lord and lady of that castle should be brought
+before him dead or alive.
+
+     *See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and
+     Pinnock's Catechism.
+
+Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to defend
+the castle against the royal party? A few thrusts from his lance would
+have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host: a few cuts from
+his sword would have put John's forces to rout. But the lance and sword
+of Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. "No, be hanged to me!" said the
+knight, bitterly, "THIS is a quarrel in which I can't interfere. Common
+politeness forbids. Let yonder ale-swilling Athelstane defend his--ha,
+ha--WIFE; and my Lady Rowena guard her--ha, ha, ha--SON." And he laughed
+wildly and madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked and gurgled
+out the words "wife" and "son" would have made you shudder to hear.
+
+When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege, Athelstane
+had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for good, and not to
+come to life again as he had done before,) and that the widow (if so
+the innocent bigamist may be called) was conducting the defence of
+Rotherwood herself with the greatest intrepidity, showing herself upon
+the walls with her little son, (who bellowed like a bull, and did
+not like the fighting at all,) pointing the guns and encouraging the
+garrison in every way--better feelings returned to the bosom of the
+Knight of Ivanhoe, and summoning his men, he armed himself quickly and
+determined to go forth to the rescue.
+
+He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the direction of
+Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for refreshment, indeed,
+that his men dropped one by one upon the road, and he arrived alone at
+the lodge-gate of the park. The windows were smashed; the door stove
+in; the lodge, a neat little Swiss cottage, with a garden where the
+pinafores of Mrs. Gurth's children might have been seen hanging on the
+gooseberry-bushes in more peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap
+of smoking ruins: cottage, bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled
+together, destroyed by the licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch!
+Far be it from me to excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to
+their sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared.
+
+Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and expiring
+at the flaming and violated threshold of his lately picturesque home. A
+catapult and a couple of mangonels had done his business. The faithful
+fellow, recognizing his master, who had put up his visor and forgotten
+his wig and spectacles in the agitation of the moment, exclaimed, "Sir
+Wilfrid! my dear master--praised be St. Waltheof--there may be yet
+time--my beloved mistr--master Athelst . . ." He sank back, and never
+spoke again.
+
+Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue. The
+castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the besiegers
+were pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane's banner, the bull
+rampant, was still on the northern bartizan. "An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!"
+he bellowed out, with a shout that overcame all the din of battle:
+"Nostre Dame a la rescousse!" And to hurl his lance through the midriff
+of Reginald de Bracy, who was commanding the assault--who fell howling
+with anguish--to wave his battle-axe over his own head, and cut off
+those of thirteen men-at-arms, was the work of an instant. "An Ivanhoe,
+an Ivanhoe!" he still shouted, and down went a man as sure as he said
+"hoe!"
+
+"Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!" a shrill voice cried from the top of the northern
+bartizan. Ivanhoe knew it.
+
+"Rowena my love, I come!" he roared on his part. "Villains! touch but a
+hair of her head, and I . . ."
+
+Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang forward
+wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and over upon the
+knight. All was dark before him; his brain reeled; it whizzed; something
+came crashing down on his forehead. St. Waltheof and all the saints of
+the Saxon calendar protect the knight! . . .
+
+When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances were
+leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit's elixir. "We arrived here
+the day after the battle," said the fool; "marry, I have a knack of
+that."
+
+"Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with your
+worship," said the lieutenant.
+
+"The day--after--the bat--" groaned Ivanhoe. "Where is the Lady Rowena?"
+
+"The castle has been taken and sacked," the lieutenant said, and pointed
+to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of smoking ruins.
+Not a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not a single human being!
+Everything was flame and ruin, smash and murther!
+
+Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven
+men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had applied
+a second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he came to life
+again. The good knight was, however, from long practice, so accustomed
+to the severest wounds, that he bore them far more easily than common
+folk, and thus was enabled to reach York upon a litter, which his men
+constructed for him, with tolerable ease.
+
+Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel where
+he stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at Rotherwood. A
+minute or two after his horse was stabbed, and Ivanhoe knocked down, the
+western bartizan was taken by the storming-party which invested it, and
+every soul slain, except Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon
+horses and carried away, under a secure guard, to one of the King's
+castles--nobody knew whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the
+hotel-keeper (whose house he had used in former times) to reassume his
+wig and spectacles, and not call himself by his own name any more, lest
+some of the King's people should lay hands on him. However, as he had
+killed everybody round about him, there was but little danger of his
+discovery; and the Knight of the Spectacles, as he was called, went
+about York quite unmolested, and at liberty to attend to his own
+affairs.
+
+We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero's
+existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection, and
+the description of mere sentiment is considered by many well-informed
+persons to be tedious. What WERE his sentiments now, it may be asked,
+under the peculiar position in which he found himself? He had done his
+duty by Rowena, certainly: no man could say otherwise. But as for being
+in love with her any more, after what had occurred, that was a different
+question. Well, come what would, he was determined still to continue
+doing his duty by her;--but as she was whisked away the deuce knew
+whither, how could he do anything? So he resigned himself to the fact
+that she was thus whisked away.
+
+He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to find out
+where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of intelligence;
+and it was remarked, that he still remained in a perfect state of
+resignation. He remained in this condition for a year, or more; and
+it was said that he was becoming more cheerful, and he certainly was
+growing rather fat. The Knight of the Spectacles was voted an agreeable
+man in a grave way; and gave some very elegant, though quiet, parties,
+and was received in the best society of York.
+
+It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived, and
+the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney, whom we
+have mentioned as Sir Wilfrid's man of business, and a most respectable
+man, called upon his gallant client at his lodgings, and said he had a
+communication of importance to make. Having to communicate with a
+client of rank, who was condemned to be hanged for forgery, Sir Roger
+de Backbite, the attorney said, he had been to visit that party in the
+condemned cell; and on the way through the yard, and through the bars of
+another cell, had seen and recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid
+of Ivanhoe--and the lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a note,
+written on a piece of whity-brown paper.
+
+What were Ivanhoe's sensations when he recognized the handwriting of
+Rowena!--he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as follows:--
+
+
+"MY DEAREST IVANHOE,--For I am thine now as erst, and my first love was
+ever--ever dear to me. Have I been near thee dying for a whole year,
+and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena? Have ye given to
+others--I mention not their name nor their odious creed--the heart that
+ought to be mine? I send thee my forgiveness from my dying pallet of
+straw.--I forgive thee the insults I have received, the cold and hunger
+I have endured, the failing health of my boy, the bitterness of my
+prison, thy infatuation about that Jewess, which made our married life
+miserable, and which caused thee, I am sure, to go abroad to look after
+her. I forgive thee all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee farewell. Mr.
+Smith hath gained over my gaoler--he will tell thee how I may see thee.
+Come and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt care for my
+boy--HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent) combating by
+the side of ROWENA."
+
+
+The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe was
+likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he inquired of Mr.
+Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that gentleman had devised
+for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was informed that he was to get
+a barrister's gown and wig, when the gaoler would introduce him into the
+interior of the prison. These decorations, knowing several gentlemen of
+the Northern Circuit, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with
+feelings of no small trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space
+of a year, poor Rowena had been immured.
+
+If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical
+exactness of this narrative, I refer him to the "Biographie Universelle"
+(article Jean sans Terre), which says, "La femme d'un baron auquel on
+vint demander son fils, repondit, 'Le roi pense-t-il que je confierai
+mon fils a un homme qui a egorge son neveu de sa propre main?' Jean
+fit enlever la mere et l'enfant, et la laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les
+cachots."
+
+I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing this
+disagreeable sentence. All her virtues, her resolution, her chaste
+energy and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and, for the first
+time since the commencement of the history, I feel that I am partially
+reconciled to her. The weary year passes--she grows weaker and more
+languid, thinner and thinner! At length Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a
+barrister of the Northern Circuit, is introduced to her cell, and finds
+his lady in the last stage of exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon,
+with her little boy in her arms. She has preserved his life at the
+expense of her own, giving him the whole of the pittance which her
+gaolers allowed her, and perishing herself of inanition.
+
+There is a scene! I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with this
+lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing her with
+so sublime a death-bed. Fancy Ivanhoe's entrance--their recognition--the
+faint blush upon her worn features--the pathetic way in which she gives
+little Cedric in charge to him, and his promises of protection.
+
+"Wilfrid, my early loved," slowly gasped she, removing her gray hair
+from her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as he nestled
+on Ivanhoe's knee--"promise me, by St. Waltheof of Templestowe--promise
+me one boon!"
+
+"I do," said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that
+little innocent the promise was intended to apply.
+
+"By St. Waltheof?"
+
+"By St. Waltheof!"
+
+"Promise me, then," gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, "that you
+never will marry a Jewess?"
+
+"By St. Waltheof," cried Ivanhoe, "this is too much, Rowena!"--But he
+felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the pale
+lips ceased to quiver--she was no more!
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+IVANHOE THE WIDOWER.
+
+
+Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in
+Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe
+quitted a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in which
+his stay was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that King John
+would hang him, if ever he could lay hands on the faithful follower of
+King Richard and Prince Arthur.
+
+But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a brave and
+pious knight. A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched field against
+the Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned infidel, or a road
+to Paradise carved out by his scimitar,--these were the height of the
+ambition of good and religious warriors; and so renowned a champion as
+Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was sure to be well received wherever blows were
+stricken for the cause of Christendom. Even among the dark Templars,
+he who had twice overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a
+respected though not a welcome guest: but among the opposition company
+of the Knights of St. John, he was admired and courted beyond measure;
+and always affectioning that Order, which offered him, indeed, its first
+rank and commanderies, he did much good service; fighting in their ranks
+for the glory of heaven and St. Waltheof, and slaying many thousands of
+the heathen in Prussia, Poland, and those savage Northern countries. The
+only fault that the great and gallant, though severe and ascetic Folko
+of Heydenbraten, the chief of the Order of St. John, found with the
+melancholy warrior, whose lance did such good service to the cause, was,
+that he did not persecute the Jews as so religious a knight should. He
+let off sundry captives of that persuasion whom he had taken with his
+sword and his spear, saved others from torture, and actually ransomed
+the two last grinders of a venerable rabbi (that Roger de Cartright,
+an English knight of the Order, was about to extort from the elderly
+Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal ring, which were all the
+property he possessed. Whenever he so ransomed or benefited one of this
+religion, he would moreover give them a little token or a message (were
+the good knight out of money), saying, "Take this token, and remember
+this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited, for the services whilome
+rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac of York!" So among
+themselves, and in their meetings and synagogues, and in their restless
+travels from land to land, when they of Jewry cursed and reviled all
+Christians, as such abominable heathens will, they nevertheless excepted
+the name of the Desdichado, or the doubly-disinherited as he now was,
+the Desdichado-Doblado.
+
+The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir
+Wilfrid took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping off
+one heathen's head with an axe must be very like the decapitation of any
+other unbeliever. Suffice it to say, that wherever this kind of work was
+to be done, and Sir Wilfrid was in the way, he was the man to perform
+it. It would astonish you were you to see the account that Wamba kept of
+his master's achievements, and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians,
+slain or maimed by his hand. And as, in those days, a reputation for
+valor had an immense effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even
+the ugliest man, were he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by
+Beauty: so Ivanhoe, who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming
+rather elderly, made conquests over female breasts as well as over
+Saracens, and had more than one direct offer of marriage made to him
+by princesses, countesses, and noble ladies possessing both charms and
+money, which they were anxious to place at the disposal of a champion so
+renowned. It is related that the Duchess Regent of Kartoffelberg offered
+him her hand, and the ducal crown of Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued
+from the unbelieving Prussians; but Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess's offer,
+by riding away from her capital secretly at midnight and hiding himself
+in a convent of Knights Hospitallers on the borders of Poland. And it
+is a fact that the Princess Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most
+lovely woman of her time, became so frantically attached to him, that
+she followed him on a campaign, and was discovered with his baggage
+disguised as a horse-boy. But no princess, no beauty, no female
+blandishments had any charms for Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more
+austere celibacy. The severity of his morals contrasted so remarkably
+with the lax and dissolute manner of the young lords and nobles in the
+courts which he frequented, that these young springalds would sometimes
+sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but his courage in the day of
+battle was so terrible and admirable, that I promise you the youthful
+libertines did not sneer THEN; and the most reckless of them often
+turned pale when they couched their lances to follow Ivanhoe. Holy
+Waltheof! it was an awful sight to see him with his pale calm face, his
+shield upon his breast, his heavy lance before him, charging a squadron
+of heathen Bohemians, or a regiment of Cossacks! Wherever he saw the
+enemy, Ivanhoe assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him, and
+said if he attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army,
+he would be slain, "And suppose I be?" he answered, giving them
+to understand that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over
+altogether.
+
+
+While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was
+carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen the
+good cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians had met
+with such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors as had never
+been known in the proudest day of Saladin.
+
+Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is known
+all over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle of Alarcos,
+gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz, on which fatal day
+Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it was feared the Spanish
+peninsula would be entirely wrested away from the dominion of the
+Cross. On that day the Franks lost 150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners.
+A man-slave sold among the unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for
+the same; a sword, half a dirhem; a horse, five dirhems. Hundreds of
+thousands of these various sorts of booty were in the possession of the
+triumphant followers of Yakoobal-Mansoor. Curses on his head! But he
+was a brave warrior, and the Christians before him seemed to forget
+that they were the descendants of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the
+Moorish hounds (in their jargon) denominated the famous Campeador.
+
+A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain--a crusade
+against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout Europe
+by all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands of valorous
+knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets and vassals of
+the lower sort, trooped from all sides to the rescue. The Straits of
+Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor, passing from Barbary, first
+planted his accursed foot on the Christian soil, were crowded with the
+galleys of the Templars and the Knights of St. John, who flung succors
+into the menaced kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed
+with their ships hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and
+Byzantium, from Jaffa and Ascalon. The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons
+and glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into
+Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia, where
+Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the news of the
+defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians, Ivanhoe landed
+at Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors forthwith.
+
+He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of
+Heydenbraten, the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the
+venerable Baldomero de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned order of
+Saint Jago. The chief of Saint Jago's knights paid the greatest respect
+to a warrior whose fame was already so widely known in Christendom; and
+Ivanhoe had the pleasure of being appointed to all the posts of danger
+and forlorn hopes that could be devised in his honor. He would be called
+up twice or thrice in a night to fight the Moors: he led ambushes,
+scaled breaches, was blown up by mines; was wounded many hundred times
+(recovering, thanks to the elixir, of which Wamba always carried a
+supply); he was the terror of the Saracens, and the admiration and
+wonder of the Christians.
+
+To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day's battle was
+like that of another. I am not writing in ten volumes like Monsieur
+Alexandre Dumas, or even in three like other great authors. We have no
+room for the recounting of Sir Wilfrid's deeds of valor. Whenever he
+took a Moorish town, it was remarked, that he went anxiously into the
+Jewish quarter, and inquired amongst the Hebrews, who were in great
+numbers in Spain, for Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac. Many Jews,
+according to his wont, he ransomed, and created so much scandal by this
+proceeding, and by the manifest favor which he showed to the people of
+that nation, that the Master of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and
+it is probable he would have been cast into the Inquisition and
+roasted, but that his prodigious valor and success against the Moors
+counterbalanced his heretical partiality for the children of Jacob.
+
+It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona
+in Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and
+slaying, with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and
+several hundred more of its unbelieving defenders. He had very nearly
+done for the Alfaqui, or governor--a veteran warrior with a crooked
+scimitar and a beard as white as snow--but a couple of hundred of the
+Alfaqui's bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe and their chief,
+and the old fellow escaped with his life, leaving a handful of his beard
+in the grasp of the English knight. The strictly military business being
+done, and such of the garrison as did not escape put, as by right, to
+the sword, the good knight, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part
+in the proceedings of the conquerors of that ill-fated place. A scene
+of horrible massacre and frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian
+warriors, hot with victory and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be
+feared, as savage in their hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies
+had been.
+
+Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious Knight of
+Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y Espelon.
+Raging through the vanquished city like a demon, he slaughtered
+indiscriminately all those infidels of both sexes whose wealth did not
+tempt him to a ransom, or whose beauty did not reserve them for more
+frightful calamities than death. The slaughter over, Don Beltran took
+up his quarters in the Albaycen, where the Alfaqui had lived who had so
+narrowly escaped the sword of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure,
+the slaves, and the family of the fugitive chieftain, were left in
+possession of the conqueror of Xixona. Among the treasures, Don Beltran
+recognized with a savage joy the coat-armors and ornaments of many brave
+and unfortunate companions-in-arms who had fallen in the fatal battle
+of Alarcos. The sight of those bloody relics added fury to his cruel
+disposition, and served to steel a heart already but little disposed to
+sentiments of mercy.
+
+Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was
+seated in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui, lying
+in his divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains playing in the
+centre, the slaves of the Moor ministering to his scarred and rugged
+Christian conqueror. Some fanned him with peacocks' pinions, some danced
+before him, some sang Moor's melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla,
+one--it was the only daughter of the Moor's old age, the young Zutulbe,
+a rosebud of beauty--sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping
+for her slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were
+blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for her
+father, whose home had been thus made desolate.
+
+He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at chess,
+a favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a messenger
+was announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for the ransom of
+the remaining part of the Alfaqui's family. A grim smile lighted up Don
+Beltran's features as he bade the black slave admit the messenger. He
+entered. By his costume it was at once seen that the bearer of the
+flag of truce was a Jew--the people were employed continually then as
+ambassadors between the two races at war in Spain.
+
+"I come," said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid start),
+"from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible Don Beltran
+de Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor's only daughter, the
+child of his old age and the pearl of his affection."
+
+"A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew. What does the Moorish dog bid for
+her?" asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly.
+
+"The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their
+caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and rubies to
+the amount of 1,000,000 dinars."
+
+"Ho, slaves!" roared Don Beltran, "show the Jew my treasury of gold. How
+many hundred thousand pieces are there?" And ten enormous chests were
+produced in which the accountant counted 1,000 bags of 1,000 dirhems
+each, and displayed several caskets of jewels containing such a treasure
+of rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and jacinths, as made the eyes of the
+aged ambassador twinkle with avarice.
+
+"How many horses are there in my stable?" continued Don Beltran;
+and Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully
+caparisoned; and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for as
+many cavaliers, who followed the banner of this doughty captain.
+
+"I want neither money nor armor," said the ferocious knight; "tell this
+to the Alfaqui, Jew. And I will keep the child, his daughter, to serve
+the messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my scullions."
+
+"Deprive not the old man of his child," here interposed the Knight
+of Ivanhoe; "bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant in
+years."
+
+"She is my captive, Sir Knight," replied the surly Don Beltran; "I will
+do with my own as becomes me."
+
+"Take 200,000 dirhems," cried the Jew; "more!--anything! The Alfaqui
+will give his life for his child!"
+
+"Come hither, Zutulbe!--come hither, thou Moorish pearl!" yelled
+the ferocious warrior; "come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of
+heathenesse! Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?"
+
+"There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers slew
+the Christian dogs!" said the proud young girl, looking boldly at Don
+Beltran, who foamed with rage.
+
+"The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in our
+castle of Murcia," Beltran said.
+
+"Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!" cried the
+high-spirited girl.
+
+"By Saint Jago, this is too much!" screamed the infuriated nobleman; and
+the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden fell to the ground
+with Don Beltran's dagger in her side.
+
+"Death is better than dishonor!" cried the child, rolling on the
+blood-stained marble pavement. "I--I spit upon thee, dog of a
+Christian!" and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back and
+died.
+
+"Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui," howled the Don, spurning the
+beauteous corpse with his foot. "I would not have ransomed her for all
+the gold in Barbary!" And shuddering, the old Jew left the apartment,
+which Ivanhoe quitted likewise.
+
+When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew, "Isaac of
+York, dost thou not know me?" and threw back his hood, and looked at the
+old man.
+
+The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand, then
+started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his withered
+hands over his face, said, with a burst of grief, "Sir Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe!--no, no!--I do not know thee!"
+
+"Holy mother! what has chanced?" said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming
+ghastly pale; "where is thy daughter--where is Rebecca?"
+
+"Away from me!" said the old Jew, tottering. "Away Rebecca is--dead!"
+
+*****
+
+When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell to
+the ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly distraught
+with grief. He took no nourishment and uttered no word. For weeks he
+did not relapse out of his moody silence, and when he came partially to
+himself again, it was to bid his people to horse, in a hollow voice, and
+to make a foray against the Moors. Day after day he issued out against
+these infidels, and did nought but slay and slay. He took no plunder
+as other knights did, but left that to his followers; he uttered no
+war-cry, as was the manner of chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch
+that the "silent knight" became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada
+and Andalusia, and more fell by his lance than by that of any the most
+clamorous captains of the troops in arms against them. Thus the tide of
+battle turned, and the Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at
+the great battle of Al Akab, called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the
+Christians retrieved their defeat at Alarcos, and absolutely killed
+half a milllion of Mahometans. Fifty thousand of these, of course, Don
+Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it was remarked that the melancholy
+warrior seemed somewhat more easy in spirits after that famous feat of
+arms.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE.
+
+
+In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off
+so many of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants poured
+continual reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could make no
+head against the Christian forces, and in fact came into battle quite
+discouraged at the notion of meeting the dreadful silent knight. It was
+commonly believed amongst them, that the famous Malek Ric, Richard
+of England, the conqueror of Saladin, had come to life again, and was
+battling in the Spanish hosts--that this, his second life, was a
+charmed one, and his body inaccessible to blow of scimitar or thrust of
+spear--that after battle he ate the hearts and drank the blood of
+many young Moors for his supper: a thousand wild legends were told of
+Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the Morisco warriors came half vanquished into
+the field, and fell an easy prey to the Spaniards, who cut away among
+them without mercy. And although none of the Spanish historians whom
+I have consulted make mention of Sir Wilfrid as the real author of the
+numerous triumphs which now graced the arms of the good cause, this is
+not in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that has always been
+notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their debts of
+gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes histories
+of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making the
+slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the part
+taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction. Well, it must be confessed,
+on the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers' feats in those
+campaigns: but this is not the subject at present under consideration.
+
+To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers, that
+the monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily enabled to
+besiege the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which the Moors had in
+his dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of those infidels
+under the command of their King Aboo Abdallah Mahommed, son of
+Yakoobal-Mansoor. The Arabian historian El Makary gives a full account
+of the military precautions taken by Aboo Abdallah to defend his city;
+but as I do not wish to make a parade of my learning, or to write a
+costume novel, I shall pretermit any description of the city under its
+Moorish governors.
+
+Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls great
+store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always protected by the
+Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and who were, as we very
+well know, the chief physicians, the chief bankers, the chief statesmen,
+the chief artists and musicians, the chief everything, under the Moorish
+kings. Thus it is not surprising that the Hebrews, having their money,
+their liberty, their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan
+domination, should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath
+which they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits.
+
+Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite--no
+other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with
+his daughter, soon after Ivanhoe's marriage, in the third volume of the
+first part of this history. Isaac was respected by his people for
+the money which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable good
+qualities, her beauty, her charities, and her remarkable medical skill.
+
+The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that though
+she was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to marry her,
+and install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of York would not
+have objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages were not uncommon
+between the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but Rebecca firmly yet
+respectfully declined the proposals of the prince, saying that it was
+impossible she should unite herself with a man of a creed different to
+her own.
+
+Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this
+chance of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed
+among his people for a very strict character, and there were in his
+family several rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct, the
+old gentleman was silenced by this objection of Rebecca's, and the young
+lady herself applauded by her relatives for her resolute behavior. She
+took their congratulations in a very frigid manner, and said that it was
+her wish not to marry at all, but to devote herself to the practice of
+medicine altogether, and to helping the sick and needy of her people.
+Indeed, although she did not go to any public meetings, she was as
+benevolent a creature as the world ever saw: the poor blessed her
+wherever they knew her, and many benefited by her who guessed not whence
+her gentle bounty came.
+
+But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even heard,
+appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of both, that all
+the most desirable bachelors of the people were ready to bid for her.
+Ambassadors came from all quarters to propose for her. Her own uncle,
+the venerable Ben Solomons, with a beard as long as a cashmere goat's,
+and a reputation for learning and piety which still lives in his nation,
+quarrelled with his son Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of
+Trebizond, and his son Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each
+putting in a claim for their cousin. Ben Minories came from London
+and knelt at her feet; Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to
+dazzle her with the latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben
+Jonah brought her a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come
+back and be Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague.
+
+Rebecca temporized as best she might. She thought her uncle was too old.
+She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel with each other,
+and offend their father by pressing their suit. Ben Minories from
+London, she said, was too young, and Jochanan from Paris, she pointed
+out to Isaac of York, must be a spendthrift, or he would not wear those
+absurd waistcoats. As for Ben Jonah, she said, she could not bear the
+notion of tobacco and Dutch herrings: she wished to stay with her papa,
+her dear papa. In fine, she invented a thousand excuses for delay, and
+it was plain that marriage was odious to her. The only man whom she
+received with anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with
+whom she was very familiar. But Bevis had come to her with a certain
+token that had been given to him by an English knight, who saved him
+from a fagot to which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten
+was about to condemn him. It was but a ring, with an emerald in it, that
+Bevis knew to be sham, and not worth a groat. Rebecca knew about the
+value of jewels too; but ah! she valued this one more than all the
+diamonds in Prester John's turban. She kissed it; she cried over it;
+she wore it in her bosom always and when she knelt down at night and
+morning, she held it between her folded hands on her neck. . . . Young
+Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than the others; the rascal
+sold to the King of France a handsome ruby, the very size of the bit of
+glass in Rebecca's ring; but he always said he would rather have had her
+than ten thousand pounds: and very likely he would, for it was known she
+would at once have a plum to her fortune.
+
+These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great
+family meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered to
+choose a husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts pointing
+out the great kindness which had been shown to her by her father,
+in permitting her to choose for herself. One aunt was of the Solomon
+faction, another aunt took Simeon's side, a third most venerable old
+lady--the head of the family, and a hundred and forty-four years of
+age--was ready to pronounce a curse upon her, and cast her out, unless
+she married before the month was over. All the jewelled heads of all the
+old ladies in council, all the beards of all the family, wagged against
+her: it must have been an awful sight to witness.
+
+At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak. "Kinsmen!" she said, turning
+pale, "when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I told you I
+would not wed but with one of my own faith."
+
+"She has turned Turk," screamed out the ladies. "She wants to be a
+princess, and has turned Turk," roared the rabbis.
+
+"Well, well," said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, "let us hear what
+the poor girl has got to say. Do you want to marry his royal highness,
+Rebecca? Say the word, yes or no."
+
+Another groan burst from the rabbis--they cried, shrieked, chattered,
+gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the women, that she
+should reign over them a second Esther.
+
+"Silence," cried out Isaac; "let the girl speak. Speak boldly, Rebecca
+dear, there's a good girl."
+
+Rebecca was as pale as a stone. She folded her arms on her breast, and
+felt the ring there. She looked round all the assembly, and then at
+Isaac. "Father," she said, in a thrilling low steady voice, "I am not of
+your religion--I am not of the Prince Boabdil's religion--I--I am of HIS
+religion."
+
+"His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?" cried Isaac.
+
+Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round with
+dauntless eyes. "Of his," she said, "who saved my life and your honor:
+of my dear, dear champion's. I never can be his, but I will be no
+other's. Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they long for. Take the
+dross, Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan, and divide it among you,
+and leave me. I will never be yours, I tell you, never. Do you think,
+after knowing him and hearing him speak,--after watching him wounded on
+his pillow, and glorious in battle" (her eyes melted and kindled again
+as she spoke these words), "I can mate with such as you? Go. Leave me
+to myself. I am none of yours. I love him--I love him. Fate divides
+us--long, long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again.
+But I love and bless him always. Yes, always. My prayers are his; my
+faith is his. Yes, my faith is your faith, Wilfrid--Wilfrid! I have no
+kindred more,--I am a Christian!"
+
+At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my feeble pen
+would in vain endeavor to depict. Old Isaac staggered back in a fit,
+and nobody took the least notice of him. Groans, curses, yells of men,
+shrieks of women, filled the room with such a furious jabbering, as
+might have appalled any heart less stout than Rebecca's; but that brave
+woman was prepared for all; expecting, and perhaps hoping, that death
+would be her instant lot. There was but one creature who pitied her, and
+that was her cousin and father's clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but
+thirteen, and had only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and
+boo-hooing, as she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and
+maledictions of the elder Israelites. Ben Davids was madly in love with
+his cousin (as boys often are with ladies of twice their age), and he
+had presence of mind suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp on the
+table, which illuminated the angry conclave; then, whispering to Rebecca
+to go up to her own room and lock herself in, or they would kill her
+else, he took her hand and led her out.
+
+From that day she disappeared from among her people. The poor and the
+wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain. Had any violence been
+done to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put all Isaac's family
+to death; and besides, her old flame, Prince Boabdil, would have also
+been exceedingly wrathful. She was not killed then, but, so to speak,
+buried alive, and locked up in Isaac's back-kitchen: an apartment into
+which scarcely any light entered, and where she was fed upon scanty
+portions of the most mouldy bread and water. Little Ben Davids was the
+only person who visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to
+him about Ivanhoe, and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how
+true; and how he slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and how
+he married a lady whom Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him, but with
+whom she prayed he might be happy; and of what color his eyes were, and
+what were the arms on his shield--viz, a tree with the word "Desdichado"
+written underneath, &c. &c. &c.: all which talk would not have
+interested little Davids, had it come from anybody else's mouth, but to
+which he never tired of listening as it fell from her sweet lips.
+
+So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don Beltran
+de Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui's daughter of Xixona, our
+dearest Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it was in his rage
+and fury against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that cavalier the falsehood
+which caused the knight so much pain and such a prodigious deal of
+bloodshed to the Moors: and who knows, trivial as it may seem, whether
+it was not that very circumstance which caused the destruction in Spain
+of the Moorish power?
+
+Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that Ivanhoe
+had cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it from his
+employer; and he saved Rebecca's life by communicating the intelligence,
+for the poor thing would have infallibly perished but for this good
+news. She had now been in prison four years three months and twenty-four
+days, during which time she had partaken of nothing but bread and water
+(except such occasional tit-bits as Davids could bring her--and these
+were few indeed; for old Isaac was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had
+more than a pair of eggs for his own and Davids' dinner); and she was
+languishing away, when the news came suddenly to revive her. Then,
+though in the darkness you could not see her cheeks, they began to
+bloom again: then her heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and
+she kissed the ring on her neck a thousand times a day at least; and
+her constant question was, "Ben Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to
+besiege Valencia?" She knew he would come: and, indeed, the Christians
+were encamped before the town ere a month was over.
+
+*****
+
+And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that
+dark scene of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat, painted
+stone-color, that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of light flashing
+out, as though they were preparing a most brilliant, gorgeous, and
+altogether dazzling illumination, with effects never before attempted on
+any stage. Yes, the fairy in the pretty pink tights and spangled
+muslin is getting into the brilliant revolving chariot of the realms of
+bliss.--Yes, most of the fiddlers and trumpeters have gone round from
+the orchestra to join in the grand triumphal procession, where the whole
+strength of the company is already assembled, arrayed in costumes of
+Moorish and Christian chivalry, to celebrate the "Terrible Escalade,"
+the "Rescue of Virtuous Innocence"--the "Grand Entry of the Christians
+into Valencia"--"Appearance of the Fairy Day-Star," and "Unexampled
+displays of pyrotechnic festivity." Do you not, I say, perceive that we
+are come to the end of our history; and, after a quantity of rapid and
+terrific fighting, brilliant change of scenery, and songs, appropriate
+or otherwise, are bringing our hero and heroine together? Who wants a
+long scene at the last? Mammas are putting the girls' cloaks and boas
+on; papas have gone out to look for the carriage, and left the
+box-door swinging open, and letting in the cold air: if there WERE any
+stage-conversation, you could not hear it, for the scuffling of the
+people who are leaving the pit. See, the orange-women are preparing to
+retire. To-morrow their play-bills will be as so much waste-paper--so
+will some of our masterpieces, woe is me: but lo! here we come to Scene
+the last, and Valencia is besieged and captured by the Christians.
+
+
+Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard of
+the Prophet? Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d'ye-call'im,
+just as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de Cuchillay &c.?
+Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks of the inhabitants
+who are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and by a little boy by the
+name of Ben Davids, who recognizes the knight by his shield, finds Isaac
+of York egorge on a threshold, and clasping a large back-kitchen key?
+Who but Ivanhoe--who but Wilfrid? "An Ivanhoe to the rescue," he bellows
+out; he has heard that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing.
+And who is it that comes out of the house--trembling--panting--with
+her arms out--in a white dress--with her hair down--who is it but dear
+Rebecca? Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving an immense
+banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with a ham, which
+he happens to have in his pocket. . . . As for Rebecca, now her head
+is laid upon Ivanhoe's heart, I shall not ask to hear what she is
+whispering, or describe further that scene of meeting; though I declare
+I am quite affected when I think of it. Indeed I have thought of it
+any time these five-and-twenty years--ever since, as a boy at school, I
+commenced the noble study of novels--ever since the day when, lying on
+sunny slopes of half-holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and beautiful
+shapes of knights and ladies were visible to me--ever since I grew to
+love Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet's fancy, and longed to
+see her righted.
+
+That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena's
+promise extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess, and a
+better Christian than Rebecca now was never said her catechism. Married
+I am sure they were, and adopted little Cedric; but I don't think they
+had any other children, or were subsequently very boisterously happy. Of
+some sort of happiness melancholy is a characteristic, and I think these
+were a solemn pair, and died rather early.
+
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
+
+[FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular than
+those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of France was
+battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal claims, merits,
+bravery, and popularity. First in the list we place--His Royal Highness
+Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son
+of Louis XVI. The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate
+parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that place of
+confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the ruffians who guarded
+him had caused the young Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the
+cocked-hat of the Representative, Roederer. It is well known that,
+in the troublous revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a
+considerable size.
+
+He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined there
+for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping thence
+to England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from political
+hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not be
+confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim to be children
+of the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution.
+
+The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. In the year 1843
+he held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a forgotten
+district of London, called Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France
+flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant of
+the throne; and some of the chiefs of the British nobility--among whom
+may be reckoned the celebrated and chivalrous Duke of Jenkins--aided the
+adventurous young Prince with their counsels, their wealth, and their
+valor.
+
+The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas
+Napoleon--a fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some
+to be a Prince of the House of Gomersal. He argued justly that, as the
+immediate relatives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete
+for the crown which was their right, he, Prince John Thomas, being next
+in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the vacant imperial throne. And
+in support of his claim, he appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and
+the strength of his good sword.
+
+His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious
+wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired
+to wrest from him. It does not appear that the sagacious monarch was
+esteemed by his subjects, as such a prince should have been esteemed.
+The light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary than
+otherwise of his sway. They were not in the least attached to his
+amiable family, for whom his Majesty with characteristic thrift had
+endeavored to procure satisfactory allowances. And the leading statesmen
+of the country, whom his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of
+entertaining any but feelings of loyalty towards his house and person.
+
+It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe (now
+nearly a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns, was called
+upon to defend his crown.
+
+The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and
+twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each--provisioned for a
+considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were,
+upon the palace of the Tuileries. Thus, should the mob attack it, as in
+August 1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in
+an hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign invasion.
+Another defence against the foreigners was the state of the roads. Since
+the English companies had retired, half a mile only of railroad had been
+completed in France, and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe
+now are, to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye'd to
+death before they could have marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the
+Alpine, or the Pyrenean frontier upon the capital of France. The French
+people, however, were indignant at this defect of communication in their
+territory, and said, without the least show of reason, that they would
+have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions
+of francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should have
+been laid out in a more peaceful manner. However, behind his forts, the
+King lay secure.
+
+As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the strange
+events of the period, the actions, the passions of individuals and
+parties engaged, we cannot better describe them than by referring to
+contemporary documents, of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the
+present day to read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal des
+Debats the accounts of the strange scenes which took place.
+
+The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court of the Tuileries had
+been extremely gay. The three-and-twenty youngest Princes of England,
+sons of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence;
+the Emperor of Russia and family had paid their accustomed visit; and
+the King of the Belgians had, as usual, made his visit to his royal
+father-in-law, under pretence of duty and pleasure, but really to demand
+payment of the Queen of the Belgians' dowry, which Louis Philippe of
+Orleans still resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought that
+in the midst of such festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of
+such quiet, rebellion?
+
+Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this
+repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to the
+throne of Louis XVI.
+
+But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same journal
+contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious import; in
+which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was easy to see the
+Government alarm.
+
+On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a
+paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so
+absurd did its contents seem. It ran as follows:--
+
+"ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.! A letter from Calais tells us that a strange
+personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we believe) has been
+giving himself out to be the son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is
+the twenty-fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his
+father was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his pretensions, the
+poor creature is said to be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one
+or two old women, who declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he
+does not make any attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but
+waits until heaven shall conduct him to it.
+
+"If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his quarters
+in the palace of Charenton.
+
+"We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been afloat
+(among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the metropolis),
+that a notorious personage--why should we hesitate to mention the name
+of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?--has entered France with culpable
+intentions, and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of this morning,
+however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A pretender is on our shores;
+an armed assassin is threatening our peaceful liberties; a wandering,
+homeless cut-throat is robbing on our highways; and the punishment of
+his crime awaits him. Let no considerations of the past defer that just
+punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to provide for THE FUTURE.
+Let the full powers of the law be brought against him, aided by the
+stern justice of the public force. Let him be tracked, like a wild
+beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has,
+ere this, been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been
+distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale-houses and
+peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which he lurks); and
+the Police have an easy means of tracking his footsteps.
+
+"Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the unfortunate
+young man. His attempt will only serve to show the folly of the
+pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity, admiration,
+reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which we hold our
+beloved sovereign."
+
+
+"SECOND EDITION!
+
+"CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE.
+
+"A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that after
+a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 'Imperial Army,' in a
+water-barrel, whither the latter had retreated, victory has remained
+with the former. A desperate combat ensued in the first place, in a
+hay-loft, whence the pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now
+a prisoner--and we dread to think what his fate may be! It will warn
+future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson which it is not likely to
+forget. Above all, it will set beyond a doubt the regard, respect,
+admiration, reverence, and adoration which we all feel for our
+sovereign."
+
+
+"THIRD EDITION.
+
+"A second courier has arrived. The infatuated Crane has made common
+cause with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of Frenchmen.
+A detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit of the pretender
+and his dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer! Remember that it is our
+rights you guard, our homes which you march to defend; our laws which
+are confided to the points of your unsullied bayonets;--above all, our
+dear, dear sovereign, around whose throne you rally!
+
+"Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th, remember your watchword is
+Gemappes,--your countersign, Valmy."
+
+
+"The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the
+Tuileries this day. His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the King
+of the French with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their RR. HH.
+the Princes of Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of the Order of
+the Blue Eagle."
+
+
+"His Majesty passed a review of the Police force. The venerable monarch
+was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and disinterested
+body of men. Those cheers were echoed in all French hearts. Long, long
+may our beloved Prince be among us to receive them!"
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III.
+
+
+Sunday, February 30th.
+
+We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a third
+pretender to the throne:--
+
+"Is this distracted country never to have peace? While on Friday we
+recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of France;
+while on Saturday we were compelled to register the culpable attempts
+of one whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar,
+and common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of Frenchmen--it
+is to-day our painful duty to announce a THIRD invasion--yes, a third
+invasion. The wretched, superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has
+landed at Nantz, and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount
+the white cockade.
+
+"Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor? Do we not repose under
+the majestic shadow of the best of kings? Is there any name prouder than
+that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign?
+Does not the whole French family adore their father? Yes. Our lives, our
+hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his disposal: it was not in vain
+that we raised, it is not the first time we have rallied round, the
+august throne of July. The unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by
+this time; and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge one
+infamous traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another.
+Away with both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal
+to his race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the other
+pretender. Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the
+manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged!
+
+"One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the
+descendant of Caroline of Naples. An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous! An
+English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still dancing in
+our royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion end?"
+
+
+"The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police. The usual
+heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked younger than
+ever we saw him--ay, as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at
+Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes.
+
+"Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were distributed
+to all the men.
+
+"The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three
+coaches-and-four. They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of
+Honor. This is significant."
+
+
+"The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the departments
+of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the command of the
+troops. The Joinville regiment--Cavalerie de la Marine--is one of the
+finest in the service."
+
+
+"Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself Duke
+of Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the Pas de
+Calais."
+
+
+"ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.--At the review of troops (Police) yesterday,
+his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling him by the ear,
+said, 'Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of wine?' The old hero,
+smiling archly, answered, 'Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any day
+of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a drink of wine.' We
+need not say that he had his drink, and the generous sovereign sent him
+the cross and ribbon too."
+
+
+On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a
+despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the throne.
+In spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears
+from the following remarks of the Debats:--
+
+"The courier from the Rhine department," says the Debats, "brings us the
+following astounding Proclamation:--
+
+"'Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one and
+indivisible. We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of the
+Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals, generals,
+officers, and soldiers, greeting:
+
+"'Soldiers!
+
+"'From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon you.
+The sun of Austerlitz has risen once more. The Guard dies, but never
+surrenders. My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop
+till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame.
+
+"'Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile. I have
+seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now withering, and I
+have communed with the dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are
+our children? Where is France? Europe no longer glitters with the
+shine of its triumphant bayonets--echoes no more with the shouts of
+its victorious cannon. Who could reply to such a question save with a
+blush?--And does a blush become the cheeks of Frenchmen?
+
+"'No. Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame. Come,
+as of old, and rally round my eagles! You have been subject to fiddling
+prudence long enough. Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have
+been promised liberty, but you have had none. I will endow you with the
+true, the real freedom. When your ancestors burst over the Alps, were
+they not free? Yes; free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of
+those indomitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once
+more trample over her; march in triumph into her prostrate capitals,
+and bring her kings with her treasures at our feet. This is the liberty
+worthy of Frenchmen.
+
+"'Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you; and
+that England shall rank no more among the nations. I will have a marine
+that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my brave regiments
+will do the rest. Henceforth, the traveller in that desert island shall
+ask, "Was it this wretched corner of the world that for a thousand years
+defied Frenchmen?"
+
+"'Frenchmen, up and rally!--I have flung my banner to the breezes; 'tis
+surrounded by the faithful and the brave. Up, and let our motto be,
+LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL OVER THE WORLD!
+
+"'NAPOLEON III.
+
+"'The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.'
+
+
+"Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and
+bloody adventurer holds out to our country. 'War all over the world,' is
+the cry of the savage demon; and the fiends who have rallied round him
+echo it in concert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a
+corporal's guard had been sufficient to seize upon the marauder, when
+the first fire would have served to conclude his miserable life. But,
+like a hideous disease, the contagion has spread; the remedy must be
+dreadful. Woe to those on whom it will fall!
+
+"His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has
+hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and takes
+with him his Cavalerie de la Marine. It is hard to think that the blades
+of those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen:
+but so be it: it is those monsters who have asked for blood, not we. It
+is those ruffians who have begun the quarrel, not we. WE remain calm
+and hopeful, reposing under the protection of the dearest and best of
+sovereigns.
+
+"The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has been
+seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the Prefect of
+Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has
+been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all incendiary
+enemies of our Government be overcome!
+
+"His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department
+of the Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in
+the disturbed districts of the Bocage and La Vendee. The foolish young
+Prince, who has there raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by
+a small number of wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every
+moment to receive the news. He too has issued his Proclamation, and our
+readers will smile at its contents:
+
+
+"'WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all whom
+it may concern, greeting:
+
+"'After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the banner
+of the lilies. Once more the white plume of Henri IV. floats in the
+crest of his little son (petit fils)! Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses!
+honest commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the oriflamme
+of France, and summon the ban arriereban of my kingdoms. To my faithful
+Bretons I need not appeal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for
+an heirloom! To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects,
+their father makes one last appeal. Come to me, my children! your errors
+shall be forgiven. Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you.
+He promised it when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed
+his inviolable toe!
+
+"'Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The infamous
+universities shall be abolished. Education shall no longer be permitted.
+A sacred and wholesome inquisition shall be established. My faithful
+nobles shall pay no more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our
+country shall be restored as they existed before 1788. Convents and
+monasteries again shall ornament our country, the calm nurseries
+of saints and holy women! Heresy shall be extirpated with paternal
+severity, and our country shall be free once more.
+
+"'His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under the
+command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty's youngest son,
+an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace
+the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of Tuam, blessed their green
+banner before they set forth. Henceforth may the lilies and the harp
+be ever twined together. Together we will make a crusade against the
+infidels of Albion, and raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our
+cry be, Vive la France! down with England! Montjoie St. Denis!
+
+"'BY THE KING.
+
+"'The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE. The
+Marshal of France. . . POMADOUR DE L'AILE DE PIGEON. The General
+Commander-in-Chief of the Irish Brigade in the service of his Most
+Christian Majesty. . . DANIEL, PRINCE OF BALLYBUNION.
+
+'HENRI."'
+
+
+"His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a council
+of Ministers in the afternoon. Measures were concerted for the instant
+putting down of the disturbances in the departments of the Rhine and
+Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the pretenders, they
+shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxembourg: the
+apartments are already prepared, and the officers at their posts.
+
+"The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the
+diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being attacked
+with illness, which compels them to stay at home."
+
+
+"The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments."
+
+
+"His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the Tuileries."
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS.--HISTORICAL REVIEW.
+
+
+We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a few
+comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely described in the
+print from which we have quoted.
+
+It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were of a
+serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two pretenders to
+the crown were considerable. They had their supporters too in Paris--as
+what party indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne was
+in a state of considerable anxiety, and found his declining years by no
+means so comfortable as his virtues and great age might have warranted.
+
+His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate
+reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, now
+sprung up around him in vast numbers. The King's grandson, the Prince
+Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen-Schloppen, was
+the father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with pensions
+by the State. His brother, the Count D'Eu, was similarly blessed with
+a multitudinous offspring. The Duke of Nemours had no children; but the
+Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Princesses
+Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess of the United States
+of America, erected into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor
+Duff Green I.) were the happy fathers of immense families--all liberally
+apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely subservient to
+his Majesty Louis Philippe.
+
+The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the first
+instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his Highness
+Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of Joinville was adored by the nation, on
+account of his famous victory over the English fleet under the command
+of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the "Richard Cobden," of 120
+guns, was taken by the "Belle-Poule" frigate of 36; on which occasion
+forty-five other ships of war and 79 steam-frigates struck their colors
+to about one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The
+victory was mainly owing to the gallantry of the celebrated French
+horse-marines, who executed several brilliant charges under the orders
+of the intrepid Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their
+ordinary modesty, claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of
+that nation were present in the action, impartial history must award the
+palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul.
+
+With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude of
+the admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should ensue, and
+fling them on the world once more. How could he support so numerous a
+family? Considerable as his wealth was (for he was known to have amassed
+about a hundred and thirteen billions, which were lying in the caves
+of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite insignificant, when divided
+among his progeny; and, besides, he naturally preferred getting from the
+nation as much as his faithful people could possibly afford.
+
+Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied, is
+often more efficacious than the conqueror's sword, the King's Ministers
+were anxious that he should devote a part of his savings to the carrying
+on of the war. But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined
+this offer; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his faithful
+people, who, he was sure, would meet, as became them, the coming
+exigency. The Chambers met his appeal with their usual devotion. At a
+solemn convocation of those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by
+his family, explained the circumstances and the danger. His Majesty,
+his family, his Ministers, and the two Chambers, then burst into tears,
+according to immemorial usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling,
+swore eternal fidelity to the dynasty and to France, and embraced each
+other affectingly all round.
+
+It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred
+Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas
+Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and
+fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,) similarly
+quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux. They
+were followed, according to their several political predilections, by
+the various Ministers and dignitaries of the State. The only Minister
+who remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had
+defeated the English in the very field where they had obtained formerly
+a success, though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish
+Brigade); but age had ruined the health and diminished the immense
+strength of that gigantic leader, and it is said his only reason for
+remaining in Paris was because a fit of the gout kept him in bed.
+
+The capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and cafes were open as
+usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm: confiding in
+their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing
+to fear.
+
+Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to conciliate
+his people. He even went among them with his umbrella; but they were
+little touched with that mark of confidence. He shook hands with
+everybody; he distributed crosses of the Legion of Honor in such
+multitudes, that red ribbon rose two hundred per cent in the market (by
+which his Majesty, who speculated in the article, cleared a tolerable
+sum of money). But these blandishments and honors had little effect
+upon an apathetic people; and the enemy of the Orleans dynasty, the
+fashionable young nobles of the Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves
+perpetually, for fear (they said) that they should be obliged to shake
+hands with the best of kings; while the republicans adopted coats
+without button-holes, lest they should be forced to hang red ribbons in
+them. The funds did not fluctuate in the least.
+
+The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect. The
+young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places of public
+education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon, "Liberty,
+equality, war all over the world!" flocked to his standard in
+considerable numbers: while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer
+their allegiance to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis.
+
+And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that
+collected round the gallant Prince Henry! There was not a man in his
+army but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at morning and
+evening parade. The fantastic and effeminate but brave and faithful
+troops were numbered off into different legions: there was the
+Fleur-d'Orange regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the Violet-Pomatum
+volunteers; the Eau-de-Cologne cavalry--according to the different
+scents which they affected. Most of the warriors wore lace ruffles; all
+powder and pigtails, as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy
+dragoons under the command of Count Alfred de Horsay made themselves
+conspicuous for their discipline, cruelty, and the admirable cut of
+their coats; and with these celebrated horsemen came from England the
+illustrious Duke of Jenkins with his superb footmen. They were all six
+feet high. They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers: they wore
+bags, their hair slightly powdered, brilliant shoulder-knots, and
+cocked-hats laced with gold. They wore the tight knee-pantaloon of
+velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British infantry: and their
+legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux, embracing with tears
+their admirable leader on parade, said, "Jenkins, France never saw such
+calves until now." The weapon of this tremendous militia was an immense
+club or cane, reaching from the sole of the foot to the nose, and
+heavily mounted with gold. Nothing could stand before this terrific
+weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed morions of the French
+cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath them, had they
+ever met in mortal combat. Between this part of the Prince's forces and
+the Irish auxiliaries there was a deadly animosity. Alas, there always
+is such in camps! The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the
+children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway.
+
+The uniform of the latter was various--the rich stuff called
+corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower
+habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them
+tail-coats. The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at the
+elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of button,
+tape, and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the alpeen, and
+the doodeen of the country--the latter a short but dreadful weapon of
+offence. At the demise of the venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had
+laid aside its habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened
+their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit. Thus do men ever
+return to the haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory
+over us! The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an
+effeminate race; they are represented by contemporary historians as
+being passionately fond of FLYING KITES. Others say they went into
+battle armed with "bills," no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated that
+foreigners could never be got to accept them in lieu of their own arms.
+The Princes of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by the side of
+their young and royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son
+of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald Isle.
+
+     * Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on
+     which the French cavalry were mounted?
+
+Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the republican
+imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies, were marching
+on the French capital. The Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the
+lunatic asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his
+captivity, which caused only derision in the capital. Such was the state
+of the empire, and such the clouds that were gathering round the Sun of
+Orleans!
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS.
+
+
+It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo misfortunes;
+and now, as then, he met them like a man. The Prince of Joinville was
+not successful in his campaign against the Imperial Pretender: and that
+bravery which had put the British fleet to flight, was found, as might
+be expected, insufficient against the irresistible courage of native
+Frenchmen. The Horse Marines, not being on their own element, could not
+act with their usual effect. Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling
+seas, they were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne
+country.
+
+It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between the
+troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for both armies
+had reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought underneath the
+walls. For some time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville,
+entrenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs. Ruinart, Moet, and
+others; but making too free with the fascinating liquor, the army at
+length became entirely drunk: on which the Imperialists, rushing into
+the cellars, had an easy victory over them; and, this done, proceeded to
+intoxicate themselves likewise.
+
+The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was compelled
+with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and Prince Napoleon
+remained master of the field of battle. It is needless to recapitulate
+the bulletin which he published the day after the occasion, so soon as
+he and his secretaries were in a condition to write: eagles, pyramids,
+rainbows, the sun of Austerlitz, &c., figured in the proclamation, in
+close imitation of his illustrious uncle. But the great benefit of the
+action was this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers
+of Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army,
+and made common cause with them.
+
+"Soldiers!" said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after the
+action, "the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the Eagle!
+Your colors are not changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow--yours
+on the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious. Soldiers of
+Joinville! we give you welcome, as we would welcome your illustrious
+leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion. Let him join us! We will
+march together against that perfidious enemy.
+
+"But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday's glorious
+day! Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of our native
+Champagne. Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge
+into dissipation, that we have Rome still to conquer!
+
+"Soldiers! Seltzer-water is good after too much drink. Wait awhile, and
+your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it
+lies BEYOND THE RHINE!"
+
+Deafening shouts of "Vive l'Empereur!" saluted this allusion of the
+Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be restored
+to them. The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville
+likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince's cause. The
+Journal des Debats did not know which way to turn. In one paragraph it
+called the Emperor "a sanguinary tyrant, murderer, and pickpocket;" in a
+second it owned he was "a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;"
+and, after proclaiming "the brilliant victory of the Prince of
+Joinville," presently denominated it a "funeste journee."
+
+The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to march on
+Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and requested to be
+paid for 300,000 bottles of wine. "Send three hundred thousand more to
+the Tuileries," said the Prince, sternly: "our soldiers will be thirsty
+when they reach Paris." And taking Moet with him as a hostage, and
+promising Ruinart that he would have him shot unless he obeyed, with
+trumpets playing and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial
+army marched on their triumphant way.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE BATTLE OF TOURS.
+
+
+We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours against
+his advancing cousin, Henry V. His Royal Highness could not march
+against the enemy with such a force as he would have desired to bring
+against them; for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast amount
+of property he had stowed away under the Tuileries, refused to allow
+a single soldier to quit the forts round the capital, which thus
+was defended by one hundred and forty-four thousand guns
+(eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred and thirty-two thousand
+men:--little enough, when one considers that there were but three men
+to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a population of double the
+amount within the walls, his Majesty caused the country to be scoured
+for fifty miles round, and left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass.
+When appealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered district, the
+royal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart bled for
+them--that they were his children--that every cow taken from the meanest
+peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that duty must be
+done, that the interests of the country demanded the sacrifice, and
+that in fact, they might go to the deuce. This the unfortunate creatures
+certainly did.
+
+The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The Journal des Debats
+stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the Chambers sat--such
+as remained--and talked immensely about honor, dignity, and the glorious
+revolution of July; and the King, as his power was now pretty nigh
+absolute over them, thought this a good opportunity to bring in a bill
+for doubling his children's allowances all round.
+
+Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there
+was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support his
+famished troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to ransack the
+next fifty miles in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops
+were not such as they should have been, considering the enemy with whom
+they had to engage.
+
+The fact is, that most of the Duke's army consisted of the National
+Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of "LA PATRIE EN
+DANGER" having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted
+by his Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of
+food-consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that he
+selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to send
+forth against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers, the
+lawyers, &c. Their parting with their families was very affecting. They
+would have been very willing to recall their offer of marching, but
+companies of stern veterans closing round them, marched them to the
+city gates, which were closed upon them; and thus perforce they were
+compelled to move on. As long as he had a bottle of brandy and a couple
+of sausages in his holsters, the General of the National Guard, Odillon
+Barrot, talked with tremendous courage. Such was the power of his
+eloquence over the troops, that, could he have come up with the enemy
+while his victuals lasted, the issue of the combat might have been very
+different. But in the course of the first day's march he finished
+both the sausages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent, and
+crest-fallen.
+
+It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver Loire,
+that the armies sat down before each other, and the battle was to take
+place which had such an effect upon the fortunes of France. 'Twas a
+brisk day of March: the practised valor of Nemours showed him at once
+what use to make of the army under his orders, and having enfiladed
+his National Guard battalions, and placed his artillery in echelons,
+he formed his cavalry into hollow squares on the right and left of
+his line, flinging out a cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the
+main column. His veteran infantry he formed behind his National
+Guard--politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who wished to retire under
+pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that the regular troops would
+bayonet the National Guard if they gave way an inch: on which their
+General, turning very pale, demurely went back to his post. His men were
+dreadfully discouraged; they had slept on the ground all night; they
+regretted their homes and their comfortable nightcaps in the Rue St.
+Honore: they had luckily fallen in with a flock of sheep and a drove
+of oxen at Tours the day before; but what were these, compared to the
+delicacies of Chevet's or three courses at Vefour's? They mournfully
+cooked their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a most
+wretched night.
+
+The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part in
+better order. The noble cavalry regiments found a village in which they
+made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins's Foot taking possession of
+the kitchens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish Brigade, accustomed
+to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato fields, where they sang
+Moore's melodies all night. There were, besides the troops regular and
+irregular, about three thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed
+with scourging-whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these
+reverend men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the
+operations of the regular forces.
+
+It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see the
+alacrity with which Jenkins's regiment sprung up at the FIRST reveille
+of the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices almost
+menial for the benefit of their French allies. The Duke himself set the
+example, and blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half-past ten,
+after coffee, the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were ready; their
+clarions rung to horse, their banners were given to the wind, their
+shirt-collars were exquisitely starched, and the whole air was scented
+with the odors of their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs.
+
+Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri. "My faithful
+Duke!" said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot, "thou art
+always at THY POST." "Here, as in Wellington Street, sire," said
+the hero, blushing. And the Prince made an appropriate speech to his
+chivalry, in which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard
+and Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not spared. "Ho!
+standard-bearer!" the Prince concluded, "fling out my oriflamme. Noble
+gents of France, your King is among you to-day!"
+
+Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking
+whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara,
+"Prince," he said, "the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the French
+history--we will not deprive you of the honor of winning this. You will
+please to commence the attack with your brigade." Bending his head until
+the green plumes of his beaver mingled with the mane of the Shetland
+pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland trotted off with his
+aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses, powerful grays, with which a
+dealer at Nantz had supplied them on their and the Prince's joint bill
+at three months.
+
+The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in
+their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their beloved
+Prince. Their toilet was the work of a moment--a single shake and it
+was done. Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their
+Generals,--who, turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely
+determined to fight on foot. Behind them came the line of British
+foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in advance perfectly
+collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar. The cavalry were on the right
+and left of the infantry, prepared to act in pontoon, in echelon, or in
+ricochet, as occasion might demand. The Prince rode behind, supported by
+his Staff, who were almost all of them bishops, archdeacons, or abbes;
+and the body of ecclesiastics followed, singing to the sound, or rather
+howl, of serpents and trombones, the Latin canticles of the Reverend
+Franciscus O'Mahony, lately canonized under the name of Saint Francis of
+Cork.
+
+The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in
+presence--the National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade. The white
+belts and fat paunches of the Guard presented a terrific appearance; but
+it might have been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were
+as white as their belts, and the long line of their bayonets might be
+seen to quiver. General Odillon Barrot, with a cockade as large as
+a pancake, endeavored to make a speech: the words honneur, patrie,
+Francais, champ de bataille might be distinguished; but the General was
+dreadfully flustered, and was evidently more at home in the Chamber of
+Deputies than in the field of war.
+
+The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech. "Boys,"
+said he, "we've enough talking at the Corn Exchange; bating's the word
+now." The Green-Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo, which sent
+terror into the fat bosoms of the French.
+
+"Gentlemen of the National Guard," said the Prince, taking off his hat
+and bowing to Odillon Barrot, "will ye be so igsthramely obleeging as
+to fire first." This he said because it had been said at Fontenoy,
+but chiefly because his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and
+therefore could not fire.
+
+But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen: for
+though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing was the
+thing of all others they detested--the noise, and the kick of the gun,
+and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to them. "We won't
+fire," said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Saugrenue and his
+regiment of the line--which, it may be remembered, was formed behind the
+National Guard.
+
+"Then give them the bayonet," said the Colonel, with a terrific oath.
+"Charge, corbleu!"
+
+At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was heard,
+the National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and with immense
+velocity, towards the foe. The fact is, that the line regiment behind
+them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between the
+coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded forward with an
+irresistible swiftness.
+
+Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre. The
+Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the wind. The
+Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon Barrot through
+the body, when he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered
+tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping. The Princes of
+Donegal and Connemara were taken prisoners; but though they offered to
+give bills at three months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their
+ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the
+Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had
+been robbed of their ready money by his troops, who had taken them
+prisoners, caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and
+lent them each a sum of money. How generous are men in success!--the
+Prince of Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National Guards,
+and thought his victory secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with
+the brief words, "We met the enemy before Tours. The National Guard has
+done its duty. The troops of the pretender are routed. Vive le Roi!"
+The note, you may be sure, appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the
+editor, who only that morning had called Henri V. "a great prince,
+an august exile," denominated him instantly a murderer, slave, thief,
+cut-throat, pickpocket, and burglar.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS.
+
+
+But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British
+infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade. Borne on with the hurry of
+the melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with running, and
+forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks
+which had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National Guardsmen
+found themselves suddenly in presence of Jenkins's Foot.
+
+They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep.
+
+"UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!" were the memorable words of the Duke Jenkins,
+as, waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and with a
+tremendous shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!--Down went
+plume and cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain, down went grocer
+and tailor, under the long staves of the indomitable English Footmen.
+"A Jenkins! a Jenkins!" roared the Duke, planting a blow which broke the
+aquiline nose of Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. "St. George for
+Mayfair!" shouted his followers, strewing the plain with carcasses. Not
+a man of the Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower.
+
+"They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais," said the Duke
+of Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass. "'Tis a pity they will
+all be cut up in half an hour. Concombre! take your dragoons, and do
+it!" "Remember Waterloo, boys!" said Colonel Concombre, twirling his
+moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun, and the gallant
+hussars prepared to attack the Englishmen.
+
+Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the havoc
+of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy's manoeuvre. His people
+were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard, and had made a
+tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell out of his pocket,
+(it was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife or bugle,)
+speedily called his scattered warriors together. "Take the muskets of
+the Nationals," said he. They did so. "Form in square, and prepare to
+receive cavalry!" By the time Concombre's regiment arrived, he found a
+square of bristling bayonets with Britons behind them!
+
+The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body.
+"Halt!" said he to his men.
+
+"Fire!" screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the
+National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off. The
+hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not return to the
+attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to
+charge upon them.
+
+The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. The Millefleur
+regiment broke before Concombre's hussars instantaneously; the
+Eau-de-Rose dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped
+far out of reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne lancers
+fainted to a man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing its course,
+had actually reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp, when the
+clergymen coming up formed gallantly round the oriflamme, and the
+bassoons and serpents braying again, set up such a shout of canticles,
+and anathemas, and excommunications, that the horses of Concombre's
+dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in their turn broke and
+fled. As soon as they turned, the Vendean riflemen fired amongst them
+and finished them: the gallant Concombre fell; the intrepid though
+diminutive Cornichon, his major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la
+moelle, and the wife of the fiery Navet was that day a widow. Peace to
+the souls of the brave! In defeat or in victory, where can the soldier
+find a more fitting resting-place than the glorious field of carnage?
+Only a few disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre's regiment
+reached Tours at night. They had left it but the day before, a thousand
+disciplined and high-spirited men!
+
+Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands, the
+intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and charged the
+Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD STEEL. The Frenchmen
+delivered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins's cockade,
+but did not abide the crossing of the weapons. "A Frenchman dies, but
+never surrenders," said Saugrenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole
+regiment were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoners. The blood of
+the Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their curses were horrible;
+their courage tremendous. "On! on!" hoarsely screamed they; and a second
+regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling, grinding
+encounter. "A Jenkins, a Jenkins!" still roared the heroic Duke: "St.
+George for Mayfair!" The Footmen of England still yelled their terrific
+battle-cry, "Hurra, hurra!" On they went; regiment after regiment
+was annihilated, until, scared at the very trample of the advancing
+warriors, the dismayed troops of France screaming fled. Gathering
+his last warriors round about him, Nemours determined to make a last
+desperate effort. 'Twas vain: the ranks met; the next moment the
+truncheon of the Prince of Orleans was dashed from his hand by the
+irresistible mace of the Duke Jenkins; his horse's shins were broken by
+the same weapon. Screaming with agony the animal fell. Jenkins's hand
+was at the Duke's collar in a moment, and had he not gasped out, "Je me
+rends!" he would have been throttled in that dreadful grasp!
+
+Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments, their
+baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands of the
+victorious Duke. He had avenged the honor of Old England; and himself
+presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who now
+came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his neck and said,
+"Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint and you." It was indeed a
+glorious victory: but what will not British valor attain?
+
+The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris, saying,
+"Sire, all is lost except honor!" was sent off in confinement; and in
+spite of the entreaties of his captor, was hardly treated with decent
+politeness. The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when the
+affair was over, were for having the Prince shot at once, and murmured
+loudly against "cet Anglais brutal" who interposed in behalf of the
+prisoner. Henri V. granted the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided
+by the advice of his noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the
+illustrious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him
+to supper that night.
+
+"Well!" said Jenkins, "I and my merry men can sup alone." And, indeed,
+having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men, they had
+wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable. The prisoners
+(25,403) were all without difficulty induced to assume the white
+cockade. Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in their
+flannel-waistcoats, where they swore they had worn them ever since 1830.
+This we may believe, and we will; but the Prince Henri was too politic
+or too good-humored in the moment of victory, to doubt the sincerity of
+his new subjects' protestations, and received the Colonels and Generals
+affably at his table.
+
+The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies.
+"Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre," said the Prince, "the saints
+have won for us a great victory--the enemies of our religion have
+been overcome--the lilies are restored to their native soil. Yesterday
+morning at eleven o'clock the army under my command engaged that which
+was led by his SERENE Highness the Duke de Nemours. Our forces were but
+a third in number when compared with those of the enemy. My faithful
+chivalry and nobles made the strength, however, equal.
+
+"The regiments of Fleur-d'Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne covered
+themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the enemy's troops.
+Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical
+friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round my banner, and
+forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that they were of the church
+militant indeed.
+
+"My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming
+heroism--but why particularize when all did their duty? How remember
+individual acts when all were heroes?" The Marshal of France,
+Sucre d'Orgeville, Commander of the Army of H.M. Christian Majesty,
+recommended about three thousand persons for promotion; and the
+indignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be imagined when it
+is stated that they were not even mentioned in the despatch!
+
+As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they wrote
+off despatches to their Government, saying, "The Duke of Nemours is
+beaten, and a prisoner! The Irish Brigade has done it all!" On which
+his Majesty the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the
+Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which he called Louis
+Philippe an "old miscreant," and paid the highest compliments to his son
+and his troops. The King on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan,
+Sir Gavan Duffy (whose journals had published the news), and was so
+delighted with the valor of his son, that he despatched him his order
+of the Pig and Whistle (1st class), and a munificent present of five
+hundred thousand pounds--in a bill at three months. All Dublin was
+illuminated; and at a ball at the Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith
+(Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely intoxicated, called out the Lord
+Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they fought in the Phoenix Park. Having
+shot the Right Reverend Bishop through the body, Smithereens apologized.
+He was the same practitioner who had rendered himself so celebrated in
+the memorable trial of the King--before the Act of Independence.
+
+Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides towards
+Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for extraordinary were
+the events preparing in that capital.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE LEAGUER OF PARIS.
+
+
+By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of Henri
+V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the Emperor
+John Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place
+between the advanced-guards of the two parties, and much slaughter
+ensued.
+
+"Bon!" thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his tower;
+"they will kill each other. This is by far the most economical way of
+getting rid of them." The astute monarch's calculations were admirably
+exposed by a clever remark of the Prince of Ballybunion. "Faix, Harry,"
+says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious son of Saint Louis
+resented), "you and him yandther--the Emperor, I mane--are like the
+Kilkenny cats, dear."
+
+"Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de
+Ballybunion?" asked the Most Christian King haughtily.
+
+Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the
+animals "ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that's what you
+and Imparial Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are," added the
+jocose and royal boy.
+
+"Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires,"
+answered Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like a
+joke; but there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have been
+well for his Most Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious
+counsels of his Irish ally.
+
+The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the garrisons of
+some of the forts, and expected all would declare for him. However, of
+the twenty-four forts which we have described, eight only--and by
+the means of Marshal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late
+years--declared for Henri, and raised the white flag: while eight
+others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon before them in the costume
+of his revered predecessor, at once flung open their gates to him, and
+mounted the tricolor with the eagle. The remaining eight, into which the
+Princes of the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained
+constant to Louis Philippe. Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the
+Tuileries. His money was there, and he swore he would remain by it. In
+vain his sons offered to bring him into one of the forts--he would not
+stir without his treasure. They said they would transport it thither;
+but no, no: the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged
+nose, and winking archly, said "he knew a trick worth two of that," and
+resolved to abide by his bags.
+
+The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three
+centimes. The Journal des Debats published three editions of different
+tones of politics: one, the Journal de l'Empire, for the Napoleonites;
+the Journal de la Legitimite another, very complimentary to the
+Legitimate monarch; and finally, the original edition, bound heart
+and soul to the dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had to write all
+three, complained not a little that his salary was not raised: but the
+truth is, that, by altering the names, one article did indifferently for
+either paper. The Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was
+always issuing manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians
+took little heed: the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was
+allowed to be very witty at the expense of the three pretenders.
+
+As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the
+respective Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the
+forts, where there was plenty of provision; and, when once there, they
+speedily began to turn out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to
+them, or had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity.
+These poor fellows turned into the road, had no choice but starvation;
+as to getting into Paris, that was impossible: a mouse could not have
+got into the place, so admirably were the forts guarded, without having
+his head taken off by a cannon-ball. Thus the three conflicting parties
+stood, close to each other, hating each other, "willing to wound and
+yet afraid to strike"--the victuals in the forts, from the prodigious
+increase of the garrisons, getting smaller every day. As for Louis
+Philippe in his palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing
+that a spark from one might set them all blazing away, and that he and
+his money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten minutes, you may
+fancy his situation was not very comfortable.
+
+But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperialists nor
+the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and fifty
+billions in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon
+that considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their revered father.
+How was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note to his Most
+Christian Majesty (for they always styled each other in this manner in
+their communications), proposing that they should turn out and decide
+the quarrel sword in hand; to which proposition Henri would have
+acceded, but that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to
+excommunicate him should he do so. Hence this simple way of settling the
+dispute was impossible.
+
+The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in the
+forts. Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were subject to much
+petty persecution, to the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander.
+And it must be confessed that these intrepid Footmen were not so
+amenable to discipline as they might have been. Remembering the usages
+of merry England, they clubbed together, and swore they would have four
+meals of meat a day, wax-candles in the casemates, and their porter.
+These demands were laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast
+on Fridays; on which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and
+they would have had a FOURTH standard raised before Paris--viz., that
+of England--but the garrison proving too strong for them, they were
+compelled to lay down their sticks; and, in consideration of past
+services, were permitted to leave the forts. 'Twas well for them! as you
+shall hear.
+
+The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the fort
+which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and where they
+made themselves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes
+had as much brandy as they liked, and passed their time on the ramparts
+playing at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with the halfpenny that one of
+them somehow had) for vast sums of money, for which they gave their
+notes-of-hand. The warriors of their legion would stand round delighted;
+and it was, "Musha, Master Dan, but that's a good throw!" "Good luck to
+you, Misther Pat, and throw thirteen this time!" and so forth. But this
+sort of inaction could not last long. They had heard of the treasures
+amassed in the palace of the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought
+of the lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country. They panted
+for war! They formed their plan.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS.
+
+
+On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis Philippe
+was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing that what
+the journal said about "Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the
+Pretender Henri,"--"Chicken-pox raging in the Forts of the Traitor
+Bonaparte,"--might be true, what was his surprise to hear the report
+of a gun; and at the same instant--whiz! came an eighty-four-pound ball
+through the window and took off the head of the faithful Monsieur de
+Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of muffins.
+
+"Three francs for the window," said the monarch; "and the muffins of
+course spoiled!" and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly. Ah, King
+Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window-pane--more than
+a plate of muffins--it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty millions of
+tax-payers.
+
+The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. "Gracious heavens!" said the
+commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, "What has your
+Highness done?" "Faix," replied the other, "Donegal and I saw a sparrow
+on the Tuileries, and we thought we'd have a shot at it, that's all."
+"Hurroo! look out for squalls," here cried the intrepid Hibernian; for
+at this moment one of Paixhans' shells fell into the counterscarp of the
+demilune on which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple of
+embrasures flying about their ears.
+
+Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort
+Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly replied
+by its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite fort. On seeing
+this, Fort Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummelling
+Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and in a quarter of an
+hour the whole of this vast line of fortification was in a blaze of
+flame, flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing, bombing, in the most
+tremendous manner. The world has never perhaps, before or since, heard
+such an uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thundering at each
+other. Fancy the sky red with the fires of hundreds of thousands of
+blazing, brazen meteors; the air thick with impenetrable smoke--the
+universe almost in a flame! for the noise of the cannonading was heard
+on the peaks of the Andes, and broke three windows in the English
+factory at Canton. Boom, boom, boom! for three days incessantly the
+gigantic--I may say, Cyclopean battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong!
+The air was thick with cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each
+other in the heavens, and fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into
+the very forts from which they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong--brrwrrwrrr!
+
+On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke permitted
+it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have been heard
+(if the tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed it) giving
+mysterious signs and countersigns. "Tom," was the word whispered,
+"Steele" was the sibilated response. (It is astonishing how, in the
+roar of elements, THE HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!) It was the
+Irish Brigade assembling. "Now or never, boys!" said their leaders; and
+sticking their doodeens into their mouths, they dropped stealthily into
+the trenches, heedless of the broken glass and sword-blades; rose from
+those trenches; formed in silent order; and marched to Paris. They
+knew they could arrive there unobserved--nobody, indeed, remarked their
+absence.
+
+The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves
+at their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which Arnal
+performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new feuilleton
+by Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated
+to the journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme
+without the walls.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+LOUIS XVII.
+
+
+The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the
+inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it may
+be remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty
+of demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his pretensions,
+had not failed to strike with awe and respect his four thousand comrades
+of captivity. The Emperor of China, the Princess of the Moon, Julius
+Caesar, Saint Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome,
+the Cacique of Mexico, and several singular and illustrious personages
+who happened to be confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.;
+and all agreed that now or never was the time to support his legitimate
+pretensions to the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around
+them, they howled with furious delight in response. They took counsel
+together: Dr. Pinel and the infamous jailers, who, under the name of
+keepers, held them in horrible captivity, were pounced upon and overcome
+in a twinkling. The strait-waistcoats were taken off from the wretched
+captives languishing in the dungeons; the guardians were invested in
+these shameful garments, and with triumphant laughter plunged under the
+Douches. The gates of the prison were flung open, and they marched forth
+in the blackness of the storm!
+
+*****
+
+On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a gun
+went off fitfully now and then.
+
+*****
+
+On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, "Tiens! ils sont
+fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!"--and why? Because there was no more
+powder?--Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder.
+
+There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more forts,
+no more nothing. THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP. The battle-roar
+ceased. The battle-clouds rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling
+stars, looked blandly down from the serene azure,--and all was
+peace--stillness--the stillness of death. Holy, holy silence!
+
+Yes: the battle of Paris was over. And where were the combatants? All
+gone--not one left!--And where was Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince
+was a captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade was encamped around
+it: they had reached the palace a little too late; it was already
+occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII.
+
+That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to the
+Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. They burst through the feeble
+barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the kingly halls
+of the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his
+ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats, of the
+fifth of November; an important article, which proclaimed that the civil
+war was concluded:--
+
+"The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are at
+an end. Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which agitated
+the bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilization,
+may now rest in peace. That monarch whom we have long been sighing for;
+whose image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how passionately worshipped,
+in every French heart, is with us once more. Blessings be on him;
+blessings--a thousand blessings upon the happy country which is at
+length restored to his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable sway!
+
+"His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his palace
+of the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies. His Royal Highness
+the Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the
+kingdom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the Palais
+Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his Royal Highness, who
+happened to be in the late forts round Paris, (before the bombardment
+which has so happily ended in their destruction,) had returned to their
+father before the commencement of the cannonading. They will continue,
+as heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the throne.
+
+"None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch's
+proclamation.
+
+"'Louis, by &c.--
+
+"'My children! After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of captivity, I
+am restored to you. The cycle of events predicted by the ancient Magi,
+and the planetary convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books,
+have fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as always in
+the depths of my dungeons I confidently expected) in the triumph of the
+good Angel, and the utter discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon.
+
+"'When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced their
+hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by--in my palace of Charenton,
+three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring of
+Saturn--I witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and I
+said, "Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the signs of the
+Zodiac mere astronomers' prattle?"
+
+"'I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr. Pinel.
+The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive. I summoned my allies
+round about me. The high contracting Powers came to my bidding:
+monarchs from all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the Moon and other
+illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale imprisoned genii.
+I whispered the mystic sign, and the doors flew open. We entered Paris
+in triumph, by the Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the
+Octroi. The bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts, and retreated,
+howling: they knew us, and trembled.
+
+"'My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me. I have a friend
+in Turkey--the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a Protestant
+once--Lord Brougham by name. I have sent to him to legislate for us:
+he is wise in the law, and astrology, and all sciences; he shall aid my
+Ministers in their councils. I have written to him by the post. There
+shall be no more infamous mad-houses in France, where poor souls shiver
+in strait-waistcoats.
+
+"'I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was in his
+counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned me.
+He gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to use it.
+Taught by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I
+will endow the land with noble institutions instead of diabolical
+forts. I will have no more cannon founded. They are a curse and shall
+be melted--the iron ones into railroads; the bronze ones into statues of
+beautiful saints, angels, and wise men; the copper ones into money, to
+be distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love them.
+
+"'There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no more
+passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more physic.
+
+"'My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I will it. I am the
+king.
+
+(Signed) 'Louis.'"
+
+
+"Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the
+English Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first about
+to sack the city, but on hearing that the banner of the lilies was once
+more raised in France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered
+his allegiance to his Majesty. It was accepted: and the Plush Guard
+has been established in place of the Swiss, who waited on former
+sovereigns."
+
+
+"The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our service.
+Their commander states that they took every one of the forts round
+Paris, and having blown them up, were proceeding to release Louis
+XVII., when they found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their
+glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Majesty the King of
+the Irish. It will be a new laurel to add to his green crown!"
+
+
+And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great
+French Revolution of 1884. It records the actions of great and various
+characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates wonderful reverses
+of fortune; it affords the moralist scope for his philosophy; perhaps it
+gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the latter imagine,
+because there is not a precise moral affixed to the story, that its
+tendency is otherwise than good. He is a poor reader, for whom
+his author is obliged to supply a moral application. It is well in
+spelling-books and for children; it is needless for the reflecting
+spirit. The drama of Punch himself is not moral: but that drama has had
+audiences all over the world. Happy he, who in our dark times can cause
+a smile! Let us laugh then, and gladden in the sunshine, though it be
+but as the ray upon the pool, that flickers only over the cold black
+depths below!
+
+
+
+
+COX'S DIARY.
+
+THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
+
+
+On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the
+neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both
+in the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of
+a girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of
+a three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young
+foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated
+mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called
+Cox's Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and
+three-and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established
+cutting and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I
+had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge,
+plaited her hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of
+patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was my
+hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another,
+would one day be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son
+Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers when their father was either
+dead or a gentleman: for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should
+be.
+
+Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections:
+though her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr.
+Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the "Pigtail and
+Sparrow," in the Whitechapel Road; from which place I married her; being
+myself very fond of the article, and especially when she served it to
+me--the dear thing!
+
+Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am
+proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and
+my Bohemian balsam to support her!--and we had hopes from her uncle,
+a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty
+years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in
+India, and was worth millions, we were told.
+
+Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my
+lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow
+and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to
+his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland
+Place, and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my
+wife took her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to
+visit her uncle: but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she
+somewhat sharp in her way, (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you
+to know,) a desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that
+day to the day of his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would
+condescend to do, was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in
+the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by
+us. All the neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations,
+for Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the
+connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet;
+Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly
+enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in
+my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once: when he said "Oh, the barber!"
+tossed up his nose, and passed on.
+
+One day--one famous day last January--all our Market was thrown into
+a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three
+vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and
+Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner (it being
+Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port,
+and was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough: at which
+proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus):--we
+had just, I say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows
+out, "La, Pa, here's uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cab!"
+
+And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough--Mrs. Breadbasket in deep
+mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back
+shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the
+world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was
+very kind of her to come. "La, mem," says Mrs. B., "I'm sure I'd
+do anything to serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear
+Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone."
+
+"That's what?" cries my wife.
+
+"What, gone?" cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls
+will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and
+ready to cry too.
+
+"Yes, gaw--" Just as she was at this very "gaw" Tug roars out, "La, Pa!
+here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!"
+
+It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back
+into the parlor with my ladies. "What is it, Mr. Bar?" says I; and as
+quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair,
+and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made
+some resistance.--"Don't think of it, Mr. Cox," says he; "don't trouble
+yourself, sir." But I lathered away and never minded. "And what's this
+melancholy event, sir," says I, "that has spread desolation in your
+family's bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your
+loss."
+
+I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because
+Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him.
+
+Mr. Bar was just about to speak. "Yes, sir," says he, "my master's
+gaw--" when at the "gaw" in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the finest
+gentleman I ever saw.
+
+"What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!" says he.
+
+"Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?"
+
+"A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making my
+bow. "A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that
+you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!"
+
+"Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow:
+"but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how some
+fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!"
+With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly
+opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between
+the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser
+into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's
+mouth--a capital way to stop angry answers.
+
+Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a
+hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black
+coat with a bag.
+
+"What, you here!" says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it
+seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, "What, YOU here!" "Your
+name is Cox, sir?" says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine.
+"My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple
+Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,--that is to say, sorry
+to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady
+is heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the
+kingdom."
+
+At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of
+Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed
+to Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a wince out:--Mrs. C.,
+Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid
+tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted.
+
+"And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?" says I.
+
+"Why--hee, hee, hee!" says Mr. Sharpus. "Surely you know that he was
+only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!"
+
+You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so
+eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. Sharpus say there
+was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John
+Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as
+they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the
+news.
+
+We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would
+have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted,
+"Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and we have not;
+had we not better keep them for a little?"--Keep them, then, we did, to
+show us how to be gentlefolks.
+
+I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of
+premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for
+it; but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the
+shop he should.
+
+
+FIRST ROUT.
+
+
+We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house without
+friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and
+I was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours,
+Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into
+distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us
+the honor of lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him,
+and of his little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing
+of our good fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a
+little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond
+of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on
+one occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor
+girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond
+of her.
+
+Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune,
+though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him to come and
+take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima
+very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and
+to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a
+great scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was
+forbidden the house--for ever!
+
+So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. "You
+see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and country
+mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave
+between our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to
+have the first society of England." To this Tagrag agreed, and promised
+to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what's
+more, did.
+
+First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays
+and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and
+Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way,
+and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent
+straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend
+Doctor Pigney's, at Richmond.
+
+Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the
+papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way: double your name and stick
+an "e" to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect
+in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty
+society about us. Some of old Tug's friends swore they would do anything
+for the family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs.
+Coxe and her charming girl; and when, about the first week in
+February, we announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the
+twenty-eighth, I assure you there was no want of company: no, nor
+of titles neither; and it always does my heart good even to hear one
+mentioned.
+
+Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his
+seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner): there
+was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron
+von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent
+literati, author of "The Distrusted" "The Distorted," "The Disgusted,"
+"The Disreputable One," and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady
+Max and her daughter, the Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles
+Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A.,
+K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala:
+my friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt,
+made up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in
+black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs.
+C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were seen round
+the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of
+elation, and thought to myself--Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever would have
+expected to see you here?
+
+After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and to this
+Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility
+that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to
+tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse,
+and the Ladies North Pole her daughters; when I say that there were yet
+OTHERS, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of
+modesty, be mentioned here, I think I've said enough to show that, in
+our time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company.
+
+It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer
+Cordongblew. I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol
+allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French
+dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles,
+called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-Tuggeridge Coxe drank
+a very good share of it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we
+did not much relish). However, the feed, as I say, went off very well:
+Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so good as to put
+me down for six copies of all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter
+engaging Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my
+dear Jemmy with Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as
+red as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and
+bird-of-paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant.
+
+Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:--thunder-under-under
+came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert's
+fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the
+gents thought it high time to make our appearance. I felt a LITTLE
+squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people;
+but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we
+reached, at last, the drawing-room.
+
+The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great
+ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working
+away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann
+amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron
+Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle
+of the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she
+wasn't there! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking
+very sulky; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the
+place where the Duchesses were. "Oh, not there!" said Jemmy, trying to
+break away. "Nonsense, my dear," says I: "you are missis, and this is
+your place." Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, "Me and
+my missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you."
+
+The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak.
+
+I went on: "The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see; and so we
+thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am,
+I think, are too stiff to dance."
+
+"Sir!" says her Grace.
+
+"Ma'am," says I, "don't you know me? My name's Cox. Nobody's introduced
+me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself--so give
+us your hand, ma'am."
+
+And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but--would you
+believe it?--the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot 'tater.
+"Fitzurse! Fitzurse!" shouted she, "help! help!" Up scuffled all the
+other Dowagers--in rushed the dancers. "Mamma! mamma!" squeaked Lady
+Julia North Pole. "Lead me to my mother," howled Lady Aurorer: and both
+came up and flung themselves into her arms. "Wawt's the raw?" said Lord
+Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately.
+
+"Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace. "Where's
+Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me."
+
+"My dear Duchess," said Tufthunt, very meek.
+
+"Don't Duchess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak;
+and hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn't his
+monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people,
+Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!"
+
+"And my carriage," "And mine," "And mine!" shouted twenty more voices.
+And down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche Bluenose and Lady
+Max among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal and one or two
+men, who roared with laughter ready to split.
+
+"Oh, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, "why would you take me back to them?
+they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess whether she
+didn't like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos:
+and--would you believe it?--all the company burst out laughing; and the
+Duchess told me just to keep off, and not to speak till I was spoken to.
+Imperence! I'd like to tear her eyes out."
+
+And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would!
+
+
+A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS.
+
+
+Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still
+upon fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to
+Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here
+there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and
+suppers, danced at our balls--ay, and spoke to us too. We were great
+people in fact: I a regular country gentleman; and as such, Jemmy
+insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. "But,"
+says I, "my love, I can't ride." "Pooh! Mr. C." said she, "you're always
+making difficulties: you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille; you
+thought you couldn't dine at seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't lie
+in bed after six; and haven't you done every one of these things? You
+must and you shall ride!" And when my Jemmy said "must and shall," I
+knew very well there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to
+the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received
+notice that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail
+Common, just outside my lodge-gates.
+
+I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was
+most probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag explained
+this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a
+delightful animal of his own; which, being desperately pressed for
+money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having
+given a hundred and fifty for it.
+
+Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. C.
+turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being helped up
+on my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came
+presently round to join them.
+
+Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, "I
+thought," he said, "you told me you knew how to ride; and that you had
+ridden once fifty miles on a stretch!"
+
+"And so I did," says I, "to Cambridge, and on the box too."
+
+"ON THE BOX!" says he; "but did you ever mount a horse before?"
+
+"Never," says I, "but I find it mighty easy."
+
+"Well," says he, "you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe,
+for your spirit." And so we came out of the gate.
+
+As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt,
+but what a hunt is--why the horses WILL go among the dogs and ride them
+down--why the men cry out "yooooic"--why the dogs go snuffing about in
+threes and fours, and the huntsman says, "Good Towler--good Betsy," and
+we all of us after him say, "Good Towler--good Betsy" in course: then,
+after hearing a yelp here and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow!
+burst out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap
+in a velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat
+here), "Hark, to Ringwood!" and then, "There he goes!" says some one;
+and all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping,
+screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays,
+horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard
+boys, go tearing all together over the common after two or three of the
+pack that yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can't say; but it all took
+place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence.
+
+Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been
+trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I managed
+to stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went
+Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the
+dogs like the donkey among the chickens. "Back, Mr. Coxe," holloas
+the huntsman; and so I pulled very hard, and cried out, "Wo!" but he
+wouldn't; and on I went galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a
+wonder; but I squeezed my knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very
+hard into the stirrups, and kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's
+neck, and looked betwixt his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted
+to luck: for I was in a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man
+would be in such a case, let alone a poor hairdresser.
+
+As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you
+honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; nothing
+in this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-colored mane, and that I
+gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking,
+the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble.
+
+There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the "Spicy Dustman," who,
+when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out
+on his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed
+to keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly through the cross-roads,
+and knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the hounds
+would find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would
+take, the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail
+to Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt.
+There's a small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the
+leading chaps took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate,
+and so would I, only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and
+be hanged to him, and went right for it.
+
+Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your arms,
+off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel--that is, I did--is a
+most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the
+stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree; Trumpeter gone clean from
+under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of
+the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse couldn't get
+away: and neither of us, I thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of
+a sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman!
+
+"Holloa!" says I, "you gent, just let us down from this here tree!"
+
+"Lor'!" says he, "I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin."
+
+"Let's down," says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging
+Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as
+possible. "Let's down," says I. "Presently," says he; and taking off
+his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and
+saddle; and when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did?--he
+just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, "Git down
+yourself, old Bearsgrease; you've only to drop! I'LL give your 'oss a
+hairing arter them 'ounds; and you--vy, you may ride back my pony
+to Tuggeridgeweal!" And with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away,
+leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the
+branch would break.
+
+It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got out of
+it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apollor
+Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop window
+when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our
+rose-oil. Faugh! what a figure I was!
+
+I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very
+quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; and after
+a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate.
+
+A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; their
+Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a number of
+horses walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the
+hunt, who had come in after losing their fox! "Here's Squire Coxe!"
+shouted the grooms. Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of
+the hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody
+dying with laughter at me.
+
+Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed me;
+a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very gravely,
+to help me down.
+
+"Squire," says he, "how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git down,
+will you, and give it to its howner?"
+
+"Rascal!" says I, "didn't you ride off on my horse?"
+
+"Was there ever sich ingratitude?" says the Spicy. "I found this year
+'oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his
+master, and he calls me a rascal!"
+
+The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all
+set up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed,
+as not to be able to laugh just then.
+
+And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I
+showed great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but "No," says I, "I
+HAVE been."
+
+
+THE FINISHING TOUCH.
+
+
+I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram's in
+Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet
+twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted
+the first man of the club; and could take five from John the marker
+himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was
+placed in that station of life where I could cultivate my talents,
+I gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I do say that I think
+myself as good a hand as any chap in England.
+
+The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you,
+astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three rubbers
+Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him
+all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the
+betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew
+what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings,
+so my skill was of no great service to me.
+
+One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen were
+high in words. "The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain Tagrag
+say: "I won't stand it."
+
+"Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?" said the
+Baron.
+
+"You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the Count: "ve
+vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill."
+
+"What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, "about birds and
+feathers?"
+
+"Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about--about--pigeon-shooting; the
+Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and I
+said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder."
+
+"Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron: "and I know no
+better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is
+gabidal."
+
+"No doubt," says I, "for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the
+PIGEON." And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I didn't
+know then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave Master Baron,
+that day, a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than
+fifteen shillings of his money.
+
+As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took
+in the Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that
+celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for
+me, Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon--and
+the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the
+kidney species of that vegetable--made no small noise at the time, and
+got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant
+reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and, my early education having
+been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is
+the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep's head at the tender
+age of nine years, before I was allowed to venture on the humane
+countenance,)--I say, being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical
+learning, I must confess I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of
+genteel information from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at
+least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen
+and gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the Flare-up
+notices to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the
+notices, as follows:--
+
+"'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of Covent
+Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a
+married man.
+
+"'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's
+second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn,
+gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen
+should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined.
+
+"'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame
+Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of
+Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian.
+
+"'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in England,
+is Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville:
+Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a
+hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his superior. Verbum sap.
+
+"'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead."
+
+I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how
+the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and
+both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his
+play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We
+read him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. "Id is," he cried,
+"the tables" (or "de DABELS," as he called them),--"de horrid dabels;
+gom viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you."
+We all roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to
+satisfy the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or
+any tables he chose.
+
+"Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant;
+his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill." And I said I would:
+and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera,
+we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance.
+
+We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw: lots
+of Champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and
+fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. "Is dish Misther Coxsh, de
+shelebrated player?" says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one
+or two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen,
+dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. "Is dish Misther
+Coxsh? blesh my hart, it is a honor to see you; I have heard so much of
+your play."
+
+"Come, come," says I, "sir"--for I'm pretty wide awake--"none of your
+gammon; you're not going to book ME."
+
+"No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace.
+
+"Dat is gut!--haw! haw!" snorted the Baron. "Hook him! Lieber Himmel,
+you might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!"
+
+Well, we went to play. "Five to four on Coxe," screams out the
+Count.--"Done and done," says another nobleman. "Ponays," says the
+Count.--"Done," says the nobleman. "I vill take your six crowns to
+four," says the Baron.--"Done," says I. And, in the twinkling of an eye,
+I beat him once making thirteen off the balls without stopping.
+
+We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long
+faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote
+I.O.U.'s for the Count! "Va toujours, mon cher," says he to me, "you
+have von for me three hundred pounds."
+
+"I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. "Zeven to four you
+must give me though." And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT game was
+won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. "Two hundred and sixty more,
+my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count: "you are mon ange gardien!" "Wot a
+flat Misther Coxsh is, not to back his luck," I hoard Abednego whisper
+to one of the foreign noblemen.
+
+"I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron. "Give me
+three," says he, "and done." I gave him three, and lost the game by one.
+"Dobbel, or quits," says he. "Go it," says I, up to my mettle: "Sam Coxe
+never says no;" and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to
+his five. "Holy Moshesh!" says Abednego, "dat little Coxsh is a vonder!
+who'll take odds?"
+
+"I'll give twenty to one," says I, "in guineas."
+
+"Ponays; yase, done," screams out the Count.
+
+"BONIES, done," roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak, went in,
+and--would you believe it?--in two minutes he somehow made the game!
+
+*****
+
+Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! In
+vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies;
+and when I refused, they both said their honor was concerned, and they
+must have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually
+that, in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from
+me, he had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word
+of honor of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that
+ponies had been betted;--why, I paid them one thousand pounds sterling
+of good and lawful money.--But I've not played for money since: no, no;
+catch me at THAT again if you can.
+
+
+A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA.
+
+
+No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, who
+knew as much about music,--bless her!--as I do about Sanscrit, algebra,
+or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second tier. It
+was what they called a double box; it really COULD hold two, that is,
+very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain--for five hundred
+a year! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our
+places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front; me, behind: but as my
+dear wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich feathers,
+birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin,
+scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of the
+front of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four
+times in the course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight
+of the actors. By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling
+Jemmy's sleeve, I DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of
+Senior Lablash's boots, in the "Puritanny," and once actually saw Madame
+Greasi's crown and head-dress in "Annybalony."
+
+What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us
+aristocracy used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your three
+courses (three curses I used to call them;--for so, indeed, they are,
+causing a deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, pills, want of
+sleep, and such like)--just, I say, as you get down your three courses,
+which I defy any man to enjoy properly unless he has two hours of drink
+and quiet afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as
+fine as a duchess, and scented like our shop. "Come, my dear," says she,
+"it's 'Normy' to--night" (or "Annybalony," or the "Nosey di Figaro,"
+or the "Gazzylarder," as the case may be). "Mr. Foster strikes off
+punctually at eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present
+at the very first bar of the aperture." And so off we are obliged to
+budge, to be miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the
+next twelve, and all because it's the fashion!
+
+After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am
+given to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in
+Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do nothing BUT sing. Bless
+us! how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the "Gazzylarder" to fly
+up to the top of the church-steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the
+chaps with the pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June.
+Not that I don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini:
+him who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the
+first piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a LITTLE too
+much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes.
+
+The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You SHOULD
+have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and
+when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a
+gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl
+blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only
+five of her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging
+to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round,
+like a teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more; and as she settled
+down, at last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should
+have heard how the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with
+all their might, and waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting,
+"Bravo!" Some people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an
+exhibition, threw bunches of flowers at her; and what do you think she
+did? Why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had
+happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press
+them to her heart, and begin whirling round again faster than ever. Talk
+about coolness, I never saw such in all MY born days.
+
+"Nasty thing!" says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; "if women WILL act so,
+it serves them right to be treated so."
+
+"Oh, yes! she acts beautifully," says our friend his Excellency, who
+along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming
+to our box.
+
+"She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and I am
+very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and
+that the people waved to her to get off."
+
+Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of laughter.
+
+"My dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, "those are the most famous dancers in the
+world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses at them, in
+token of our immense admiration!"
+
+"Well, I never!" said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the
+curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done the next
+begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and bounding
+in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at least six feet
+from the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were more
+astonished than ever!
+
+"That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen.
+
+"Anna who?" says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this
+person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black
+ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees.
+
+"Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as
+active as a man of twenty."
+
+"HE!" shrieked out my wife; "what, is that there a man? For shame!
+Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I'll
+thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home."
+
+You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a
+horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to
+it; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and
+so would stop till the end of everything; and, law bless you! in three
+weeks from that time, she could look at the ballet as she would at
+a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her double-barrelled
+opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had been a born duchess.
+As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does; and precious fun it used to be,
+sometimes.
+
+My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the scenes;
+where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ONTRAY.
+Behind, then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of! Fancy
+lots of young and old gents of the fashion crowding round and staring
+at the actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners,
+chattering always, and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of
+Jews, with hooked-noses and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains,
+sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old
+nightgowns, with knock-knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings,
+and dabs of brick-dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such
+wigs!) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap,
+or else shepherds' crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and
+green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to and
+fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard Cupids,
+dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, confusion and gabble
+of all conceivable languages was never known!
+
+If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking twenty,
+he looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving
+it a touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy
+was standing by with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner
+of Charles Street.
+
+I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour which
+they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage,
+before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes
+are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and
+canes in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn't wait.
+
+Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain flies
+up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very
+last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very
+affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about
+me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such like politeness, in
+the most condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn,
+and down I popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below.
+Luckily I was stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of
+green blankets and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the
+sea. If I had not fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the
+consequence of the collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear
+to hear of my paying the least attention to the fair sex.
+
+
+STRIKING A BALANCE.
+
+
+Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the Earl
+of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his mother the
+Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda
+MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; and a son, the
+Honorable Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow MacTurk, only ten
+months older than our boy Tug.
+
+My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, made
+every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of
+Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter
+of the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of
+Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing
+so angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship
+down. The Kilblazes' estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property
+by two thousand a year at least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept
+only two footmen, was quite authorized in having three; and she made it
+a point, as soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to
+have out her own carriage-and-four.
+
+Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big.
+Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and what
+do you think Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, Madame de
+Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was
+quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame Flicflac: she had been (to
+support her father, the Count, when he emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the
+ITALIAN Opera. French dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at once,
+and in the best style: it is astonishing how quick and well she used to
+speak--the French especially.
+
+Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement
+Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the
+age of three to fifteen; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug,
+adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the
+boarders. I think I found out the dear soul's reason; for, one day,
+speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the
+Kilblazes, she whispered to him that "she never would have thought of
+sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid;
+THEIR lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did
+the best they could on their income!"
+
+Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been
+tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, and,
+as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You
+read in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called it,) after the
+account of the charges for board, masters, extras, &c.--"Every young
+nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife, fork, spoon, and
+goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned; a
+dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c.
+The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have more than ten guineas of
+pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or he be above
+fifteen years of age. WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm, vapor,
+and douche baths. CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of
+fifteen guineas per quarter. It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young
+nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to
+THE CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment were
+profane.
+
+"CLEMENT CODDLER, M. A.,
+
+"Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster.
+
+"MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY."
+
+
+To this establishment our Tug was sent. "Recollect, my dear," said his
+mamma, "that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to
+beat all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington MacTurk,
+who, though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of
+Tuggeridgeville."
+
+Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as
+any young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and
+could shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the old time, when we
+were not great people: when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn
+Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for, on going to
+school.
+
+However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send
+monthly accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of
+the world, I don't know who was. It was
+
+     General behavior......excellent.
+     English...............very good.
+     French................tres bien.
+     Latin.................optime.
+
+And so on:--he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month
+for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he
+had been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler,
+one of the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bedrooms
+and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them),
+which were all as comfortable as comfortable might be. "It is a
+holiday, today," said Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it seemed to be. In
+the dining-room were half a dozen young gentlemen playing at cards ("All
+tip-top nobility," observed Mr. Coddler);--in the bedrooms there was
+only one gent: he was lying on his bed, reading novels and smoking
+cigars. "Extraordinary genius!" whispered Coddler. "Honorable Tom
+Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's; smokes all day; and has written the
+SWEETEST poems you can imagine. Genius, my dear madam, you know--genius
+must have its way." "Well, UPON my word," says Jemmy, "if that's genius,
+I had rather that Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull
+fellow."
+
+"Impossible, my dear madam," said Coddler. "Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe COULDN'T
+be stupid if he TRIED."
+
+Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of
+Allycompane. We were introduced instantly: "Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr.
+and Mrs. Coxe." The little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very
+low, and so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord making for the
+playground, begged him to show us the way.--"Come along," says my lord;
+and as he walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the
+beautiful holes in his jacket, and elsewhere.
+
+About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a
+pastry-cook's shop at the end of the green. "That's the grub-shop," said
+my lord, "where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and
+them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick."
+
+Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. "That's
+Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am," says my lord. "We keep him, for he's very
+useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when there's a
+fight, or a game at cricket.--Well, Hicks, how's your mother? what's the
+row now?" "I believe, my lord," said the usher, very meekly, "there is a
+pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises--the Honorable Mr. Mac--"
+
+"Oh! COME along," said Lord Lollypop, "come along: this way, ma'am! Go
+it, ye cripples!" And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in the kindest
+and most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to
+be so taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running
+across the green. "Who is it, Petitoes?" screams my lord. "Turk and the
+barber," pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastry-cook's like mad. "Turk
+and the ba--," laughs out my lord, looking at us. "HURRA! THIS way,
+ma'am!" And turning round a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard,
+where a number of boys were collected, and a great noise of shrill
+voices might be heard. "Go it, Turk!" says one. "Go it, barber!" says
+another. "PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!" roars another, whose voice was just
+cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short for him!
+
+Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling
+away at the Honorable Master MacTurk! My dear Jemmy, who don't
+understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand
+tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds,
+while, with the other, she clawed hold of Master MacTurk's red hair,
+and, as soon as she got her second hand free, banged it about his face
+and ears like a good one.
+
+"You nasty--wicked--quarrelsome--aristocratic" (each word was a
+bang)--"aristocratic--oh! oh! oh!"--Here the words stopped; for what
+with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the
+shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered, my dear
+Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my arms.
+
+
+DOWN AT BEULAH.
+
+
+Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us,
+yet Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their acquaintance
+over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting,
+making friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the
+holidays. Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame
+de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have
+related. When our friend the Baron first saw Madame, a very tender
+greeting passed between them; for they had, as it appeared, been old
+friends abroad. "Sapristie," said the Baron, in his lingo, "que fais-tu
+ici, Amenaide?" "Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says she, "est-ce qu'on
+t'a mis a la retraite? Il parait que tu n'es plus General chez Franco--"
+"CHUT!" says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips.
+
+"What are they saying, my dear?" says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a
+pretty knowledge of the language by this time.
+
+"I don't know what 'Sapristie' means, mamma; but the Baron asked Madame
+what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot, you are no
+more a General at Franco.'--Have I not translated rightly, Madame?"
+
+"Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right.
+Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years."
+
+"Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron; "Baron Chicot de Punter
+is my name."
+
+"And being a General at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I suppose, being a
+French General?"
+
+"Yes, I vas," said he, "General Baron de Punter--n'est 'a pas,
+Amenaide?"
+
+"Oh, yes!" said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy laughed
+out of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall
+hear.
+
+About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that
+admirable institution, "The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;" Lady de
+Sudley was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, the
+excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that
+of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her ladyship's), drew
+away five hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the Charity: and
+Lady de Sudley thought a fete at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the
+foreign princes who were in town last year, might bring a little more
+money into its treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and
+published in all the papers:--
+
+
+"APPEAL.
+
+"BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME.
+
+"The 'Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been established seven years:
+and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated,
+INCALCULABLE. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen have been
+lodged within its walls. One hundred and two British Washerwomen
+have been relieved when in the last state of decay. ONE HUNDRED AND
+NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been
+washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And,
+by an arrangement with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped
+that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL will be confided to the British
+Washerwoman's Home!
+
+"With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable to
+think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to reject
+the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE
+BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? Ladies of
+England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there one of you that
+will not respond to the cry in behalf of these deserving members of our
+sex?
+
+"It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at
+Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the first
+foreign and native TALENT; by the first foreign and native RANK; and
+where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S FRIEND."
+
+
+Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke
+of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency
+Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the Persian
+Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His
+Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the Spanish
+Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of
+Topinambo, and a host of other fashionables, promised to honor the
+festival: and their names made a famous show in the bills. Besides
+these, we had the celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seven
+Transylvanian trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian Minnesingers; with
+all the leading artists of London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of
+Europe.
+
+I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British
+Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was
+erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was hung round
+with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen's orphans; ninety-six
+of whom were to be feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the
+Ladies-Patronesses.
+
+Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count,
+Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and
+barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her
+carriage-and-two.
+
+There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the
+Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their beaux
+went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having each an
+arm of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and Jemimarann.
+Whilst they were walking, whom should they light upon but poor Orlando
+Crump, my successor in the perfumery and hair-cutting.
+
+"Orlando!" says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out
+her hand.
+
+"Jemimar!" says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum.
+
+"SIR!" says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess.
+
+"What! madam," says poor Crump, "don't you remember your shopboy?"
+
+"Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?" whimpers Jemimarann, whose
+hand he had got hold of.
+
+"Miss Tuggeridge Coxe," says Jemmy, "I'm surprised of you. Remember,
+sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more
+familiarity."
+
+"Insolent fellow!" says the Baron, "vat is dis canaille?"
+
+"Canal yourself, Mounseer," says Orlando, now grown quite furious: he
+broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann,
+as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill; and her mamma,
+therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame
+Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself with the other gentlemen, in
+order to join us.
+
+It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac
+suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a
+friend whom she saw pass.
+
+The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the
+champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I
+don't know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when the
+Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration.
+
+Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by
+my side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian
+Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy:--
+
+             "Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee.
+              Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee."
+     "Chorus--Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!"
+
+They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual,
+and had just come to the "o-o-o," at the end of the chorus of the
+forty-seventh stanza, when Orlando started: "That's a scream!" says he.
+"Indeed it is," says I; "and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very
+ugly scream too:" when I heard another shrill "Oh!" as I thought; and
+Orlando bolted off, crying, "By heavens, it's HER voice!" "Whose voice?"
+says I. "Come and see the row," says Tag. And off we went, with a
+considerable number of people, who saw this strange move on his part.
+
+We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting;
+her mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the ground, holding
+a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando squaring at him, and
+calling on him to fight if he dared.
+
+My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. "Take that feller away," says she;
+"he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the
+least."
+
+Poor Orlando was carried off. "I've no patience with the little minx,"
+says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. "She might be a Baron's lady; and
+she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand."
+
+"Oh, mamma! mamma!" sobs poor Jemimarann, "but he was t-t-tipsy."
+
+"T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a
+nobleman who does not know what he is doing."
+
+
+A TOURNAMENT.
+
+
+"I say, Tug," said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at Beulah,
+"Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I
+told you: the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we
+are going to do. What do you think? we're going to have a tournament!"
+"What's a tournament?" says Tug, and so said his mamma when she heard
+the news; and when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she
+WAS as angry as MacTurk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days
+together. "What!" says she, "dress up in armor, like play-actors, and
+run at each other with spears? The Kilblazes must be mad!" And so I
+thought, but I didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they
+were: for, when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as
+yet, a profound secret, what does she do, but send down to the Morning
+Post a flaming account of
+
+
+"THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE!
+
+"The days of chivalry are NOT past. The fair Castellane of
+T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been
+alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall exceed
+in splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are not at
+liberty to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de
+P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th--s T-gr-g, are
+to be the knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN OF BEAUTY,
+of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power; a
+banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a ball, in which the
+recollections of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones
+of Weippert and Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye
+of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for her distinguished guests."
+
+
+The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback, and
+in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number of our
+friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he vaulted over
+his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never were done except
+at Ducrow's.
+
+And now--oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter, to
+describe the wonders of the day!--Twenty-four knights came from Ashley's
+at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolford in the
+character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a
+tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called
+ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put up when people die,) and
+underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament.
+Tagrag was in brass armor (my City connections got him that famous
+suit); his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet,
+modelled exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in "Henry V.;" a tight
+gilt jacket, which set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train
+of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided
+with pearls. Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady
+Blanche Bluenose as a Turkish princess. An alderman of London and his
+lady; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon;
+several Polish noblemen; two Italian counts (besides our Count);
+one hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in full
+uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B.,
+and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing Establishment, and fourteen
+young ladies, all in white: the Reverend Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine
+young gentlemen, of the first families, under his charge--were SOME
+only of the company. I leave you to fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for
+fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They wanted me to have
+mounted again, but my hunting-day had been sufficient; besides, I ain't
+big enough for a real knight: so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening
+the Tournament--and I knew it was in vain to resist--the Baron and
+Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with safety,
+if I came off at all. They had procured from the Strand Theatre a famous
+stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been trained for the use of
+the great Lord Bateman. I did not know exactly what they were till they
+arrived; but as they had belonged to a lord, I thought it was all right,
+and consented; and I found it the best sort of riding, after all, to
+appear to be on horseback and walk safely a-foot at the same time;
+and it was impossible to come down as long as I kept on my own legs:
+besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I liked,
+without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the
+Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in
+blue and gold: I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost
+wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet
+and breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at
+the time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each
+other, till, prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat
+behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same
+time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone. "This was sufficient," they
+said, "for the laws of chivalry;" and I was glad to get off so.
+
+After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven,
+in complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the ring; and the
+Baron was far, far the most skilful.
+
+"How sweetly the dear Baron rides," said my wife, who was always ogling
+at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. "I say,
+Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course,
+they came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called
+it:--"I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that chap in harmer mustn't have been
+one of hus." And this only made Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is,
+the Baron had chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her
+mother.
+
+The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him
+the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he
+receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet
+mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of
+the lists; then galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated,
+he begged her to place it on his helmet. The poor girl blushed very
+much, and did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up,
+and, laying his hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his
+ear, which made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off
+violently. "Chacun pour soi," says he, "Monsieur de Taguerague,"--which
+means, I am told, "Every man for himself." And then he rode away,
+throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse caper
+and prance, to the admiration of all beholders.
+
+After this came the "Passage of Arms." Tagrag and the Baron ran courses
+against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece; whereupon the
+other three refused to turn out; and preciously we laughed at them, to
+be sure!
+
+"Now, it's OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT," says Tagrag, shaking his fist at the
+Baron: "look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter,
+I'll do my best!" And before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite
+bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away,
+spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed; in
+vain I threw down my truncheon: they had broken two poles before I could
+say "Jack Robinson," and were driving at each other with the two new
+ones. The Baron had the worst of the first course, for he had almost
+been carried out of his saddle. "Hark you, Chicot!" screamed out Tagrag,
+"next time look to your head!" And next time, sure enough, each aimed at
+the head of the other.
+
+Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's
+helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer
+still--his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground
+like a stone.
+
+"He's won! he's won!" says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann
+fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I
+should drop. All the company were in an uproar: only the Baron looked
+calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy; when,
+all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man springing over the barrier, and
+followed by three more, rushed towards the Baron. "Keep the gate, Bob!"
+he holloas out. "Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison,
+for--"
+
+But he never said for what; shouting out, "Aha!" and "Sapprrrristie!"
+and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into
+his horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before another word.
+He had threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr.
+Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him; and when we took up the
+bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water,
+he told us all. "I had a writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't
+vant to shpoil shport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey
+knocked off his shteel cap!"
+
+*****
+
+Here was a pretty business!
+
+
+OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED.
+
+
+We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville:
+but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor
+Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and
+the Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and silk
+stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend in Pickwick; we, having employed
+the gentlemen from Astley's Antitheatre, had some decent sport for our
+money.
+
+We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself
+by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb,
+the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My
+sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and
+a sad thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no
+more minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of
+muffins across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea.
+
+Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was
+the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at
+Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good,
+and declared that she should die unless she went to the seaside in
+France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to
+resist her as to resist her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; so
+I told the people to pack up the things, and took four places on board
+the "Grand Turk" steamer for Boulogne.
+
+The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my
+carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before;
+and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was
+the--but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the other
+carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants, and
+fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear
+girl in the journey.
+
+The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we
+saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St.
+Bartholomew;--why erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is in
+Smithfield;--we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House,
+where we saw the two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of
+the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt
+melancholy, for we were going among a people of swindlers, as all
+Frenchmen are thought to be; and, besides not being able to speak the
+language, leaving our own dear country and honest countrymen.
+
+Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest
+civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor; ay, and your
+honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. I
+somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away. "Here, my fine
+fellow," says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful,
+holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other--"Here,
+my fine chap," says I, "here's six shillings for you;" for I did not
+care for the money.
+
+"Six what?" says he.
+
+"Six shillings, fellow," shrieks Jemmy, "and twice as much as your
+fare."
+
+"Feller, marm!" says this insolent coachman. "Feller yourself, marm: do
+you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and
+bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps for six
+hog?" And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it,
+and doubling his fist put it so very near my nose that I really thought
+he would have made it bleed. "My fare's heighteen shillings," says he,
+"hain't it?--hask hany of these gentlemen."
+
+"Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six," says one of the fourteen
+porters; "but if the gen'l'man IS a gen'l'man, he can't give no less
+than a suffering anyhow."
+
+I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, "Holloa!" says
+one. "What's the row?" says another. "Come, dub up!" roars a third. And
+I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that
+I took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had
+disappeared by this time: they always do when there's a robbery or a row
+going on.
+
+I was going after them. "Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young gentleman of
+about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles,
+and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together. "Stop,
+Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, "and don't
+forgit the cabman."
+
+"What's your fare, my lad?" says I.
+
+"Why, let's see--yes--ho!--my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpence
+eggs--acly."
+
+The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed
+very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was,
+I thought, the hackney-coachman. "Why, YOU rascal!" says Jemmy, laying
+hold of the boy, "do you want more than the coachman?"
+
+"Don't rascal ME, marm!" shrieks the little chap in return. "What's the
+coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like; vy
+don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I to
+come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place,
+and not git my fare, marm? Come, give me a suffering and a half, and
+don't keep my hoss avaiting all day." This speech, which takes some time
+to write down, was made in about the fifth part of a second; and, at
+the end of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing
+towards Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight.
+
+My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor,
+and fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called "Policeman!" but a
+policeman won't interfere in Thames Street; robbery is licensed there.
+What was I to do? Oh! my heart beats with paternal gratitude when I
+think of what my Tug did!
+
+As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting attitude,
+Master Tuggeridge Coxe--who had been standing by laughing very rudely,
+I thought--Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket suddenly into
+his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start and recovered her
+a little), and, before we could say a word was in the ring in which we
+stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I don't know
+how many newspaper-boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling
+about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red
+waistcoat, who brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the
+enemy, was engaged in an instant.
+
+But la bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; and
+MILLED away one, two, right and left--like a little hero as he is, with
+all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came a crack which sent a
+long dusky white hat--that looked damp and deep like a well, and had
+a long black crape-rag twisted round it--first came a crack which sent
+this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab and scattered among the
+crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,--such as
+a ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little
+warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c.
+
+The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no
+time: another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third, which hit
+him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the
+ground.
+
+"Brayvo, my lord!" shouted all the people around.
+
+"I won't have no more, thank yer," said the little cabman, gathering
+himself up. "Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?"
+
+"What's your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?" says Tug.
+
+"Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he. "Go along,--you KNOW it is!"
+and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and
+hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. We heard the
+packet-bell ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in time.
+
+I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very nearly
+so, in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and Jemimarann, and Tug,
+and the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came
+to my turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a PLANK, but
+seldom of their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the
+vessel rode off a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the
+water. You might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it
+rung in my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving
+her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of
+my beaver-hat--though I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:--I
+floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just
+then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waistband of my whites, and
+found myself hauled up in the air at the end of a boat-hook, to the
+sound of "Yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!" and so I was dragged aboard. I
+was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very
+considerable quantity of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my
+inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state.
+
+
+NOTICE TO QUIT.
+
+
+Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right
+and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there;
+and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a
+lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said,
+he possessed a magnificent ---- hotel he called it;--and I remember
+Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea; but hotel, we found
+afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need
+I describe the road from Boulogne to Paris? or need I describe that
+Capitol itself? Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there,
+at "Murisse's Hotel," as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw
+everything worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed
+me, to be sure; but, when you're on a pleasure-party in a foreign
+country, you must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort.
+
+Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of
+trees, which--I don't know why--is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian
+Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but
+mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this
+Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a tent where, during the
+summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with his horses and
+things. As everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the
+thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go too; and go we did.
+
+It's just like Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who
+goes round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there are a
+dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, Dihannas,
+Sultannas, Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There's the fat man, who
+comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the
+living skeleton! There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that
+dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear
+country.
+
+My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking
+at her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any
+knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it),
+when there came in, presently, "the great Polish act of the Sarmatian
+horse-tamer, on eight steeds," which we were all of us longing to see.
+The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of
+his horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You
+couldn't see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and
+applauded like mad. Presently, you saw there were only three horses in
+front: he had slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and
+it was clear that the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any
+more. The people applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and
+eight were made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and
+out, with the others, so that you did not know which was which, the
+house, I thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian
+horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the
+music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring; bending,
+smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his heart,
+just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But fancy our astonishment
+when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming round with his four
+pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, gave a start, and a--hupp!
+which made all his horses stop stock-still at an instant.
+
+"Albert!" screamed my dear Jemmy: "Albert! Bahbahbah--baron!" The
+Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels, three
+times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight.
+
+It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER!
+
+Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; but
+we heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and
+had run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr.
+Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree
+with him; and we saw the last of him as he sprung over the barriers at
+the Tuggeridgeville tournament.
+
+"Well, Jemimarann," says Jemmy, in a fury, "you shall marry Tagrag;
+and if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a
+baronet's lady." Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was of no use
+to remonstrate.
+
+Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever to
+go back to London: for what should we hear, but that that monster,
+Tuggeridge, of the City--old Tug's black son, forsooth!--was going to
+contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I don't know how
+many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we set off immediately,
+and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same "Grand Turk"
+which had brought us to France.
+
+If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on
+Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often
+not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless
+us! I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on
+a paddle-box, roaring out, "Ease her! Stop her!" and the poor servants,
+who are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;--breakfast,
+lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;--for layers upon layers of travellers,
+as it were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those
+unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little did
+we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and little were we
+prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridgeville
+property.
+
+Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man
+of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off
+to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of
+going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates, we found
+a crowd assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridige on
+horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man
+of business, and many more. "Mr. Scapgoat," says Tuggeridge, grinning,
+and handing him over a sealed paper, "here's the lease; I leave you in
+possession, and wish you good morning."
+
+"In possession of what?" says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville,
+leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she
+called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland
+Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was
+his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told
+him to quit the house. Since then there had been law squabbles between
+us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations.
+
+"Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam," roars he, "left me
+by my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and
+know as well as I do."
+
+"Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy; "he didn't die to leave his
+estates to blackamoors--to negroes--to base-born mulatto story-tellers;
+if he did may I be -----"
+
+"Oh, hush! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann. "Go it again, mother!" says
+Tug, who is always sniggering.
+
+"What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?" cried Tagrag (who was the only
+one of our party that had his senses). "What is this will?"
+
+"Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up. "For
+heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and
+Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people
+are here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will
+follow, of course."
+
+"Who has taken possession of this here property?" roars Jemmy, again.
+
+"My friend Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer.--Mr. Scapgoat grinned.
+
+"Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a
+woman of no small spirit), "if you don't leave this ground I'll have
+you pushed out with pitchforks, I will--you and your beggarly blackamoor
+yonder." And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a stable fork
+into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, armed with
+a rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their heels, and I
+hurrahed for joy to see such villany so properly treated.
+
+"That's sufficient, ain't it?" said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air
+in the world. "Oh, completely," said the lawyer. "Mr. Tuggeridge, we've
+ten miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant." And the whole
+posse of them rode away.
+
+
+LAW LIFE ASSURANCE.
+
+
+We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from
+Higgs, in London--which begun, "Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of
+Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said county, was
+attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and
+arms, he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John
+Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which
+is not yet expired, and ejected him." And it went on to say that "we,
+with force of arms, viz, with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected
+him." Was there ever such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand
+in defence of our own; and isn't it a sin that we should have been
+turned out of our rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea?
+
+Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would you
+believe it?--they told us to give up possession at once, as a will
+was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused
+their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will: she
+pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; and believes,
+to this day, that the story of its having been made thirty years ago,
+in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's papers, and found there, and
+brought to England, after a search made by order of Tuggeridge junior,
+is a scandalous falsehood.
+
+Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? What
+shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed
+of the wig he sits in? What of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, who exerted their
+eloquence against justice and the poor? On our side, too, was no less
+a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the honor of the
+British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too: for he actually
+threw up his case! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his junior--and to
+whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks--all might have been well. I
+never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for
+the first time in that court, said, "Standing here upon the pidestal of
+secred Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict;
+having before me a vinnerable judge, and an enlightened jury--the
+counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor man's priceless
+palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must the blush bejew
+my cheek--" (somebody cried out, "O CHEEKS!" In the court there was a
+dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was established, Mr.
+Mulligan continued:)--"My lard, I heed them not; I come from a counthry
+accustomed to opprission, and as that counthry--yes, my lard, THAT
+IRELAND--(do not laugh, I am proud of it)--is ever, in spite of her
+tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful: my client's cause, likewise,
+will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility--I repeat, the MALIGNANT
+IMBECILITY--of those who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth,
+in my client's name, in my counthry's--ay, and MY OWN--I, with folded
+arrums, hurl a scarnful and eternal defiance!"
+
+"For heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan"--("MULLIGAN, ME LARD," cried my
+defender)--"Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief."
+
+Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed
+with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the
+situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge
+the elder gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my
+wife; the state of Ireland; the original and virtuous poverty of the
+Coxes--from which he glanced passionately, for a few minutes (until the
+judge stopped him), to the poverty of his own country; my excellence as
+a husband, father, landlord; my wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All
+was in vain--the trial went against us. I was soon taken in execution
+for the damages; five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as
+much more of Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get
+me out of a much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that
+along with the land went the house in town, and the money in the funds.
+Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all. And when I was in
+prison, who do you think would come and see me? None of the Barons, nor
+Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill
+our house, and eat and drink at our expense,--not even the ungrateful
+Tagrag!
+
+I could not help now saying to my dear wife, "See, my love, we have been
+gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it.
+In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody
+laughed at us."
+
+"Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter.
+
+"We asked great company, and they insulted us."
+
+"And spoilt mamma's temper," said Jemimarann.
+
+"Hush! Miss," said her mother; "we don't want YOUR advice."
+
+"Then you must make a country gentleman of me."
+
+"And send Pa into dunghills," roared Tug.
+
+"Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts."
+
+"Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them," cries my
+little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy.
+
+"And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine
+school."
+
+"And I give you my word," says Tug, "I'm as ignorant a chap as ever
+lived."
+
+"You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy; "you've learned that at your
+fine school."
+
+"I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't,"
+grumbles Tug.
+
+"You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a
+swindler."
+
+"And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my girl.
+
+"Silence! Miss," says Jemmy, fiercely.
+
+"You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me
+into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never can help us
+after all your bad language." I said all this very smartly; for the fact
+is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl
+soundly.
+
+"Oh! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite
+broken), "it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've
+punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so,
+so repent them!" Here Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung
+herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten
+minutes together. Even Tug looked queer: and as for me, it's a most
+extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable didn't
+make me quite happy.--I don't think, for the whole twelve months of
+our good fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the
+Fleet, where I was locked up.
+
+Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never
+taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so
+cruelly that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now.
+He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and
+he used to take home Jemmy's fronts and dress them for her; and when
+locking-up time came, he used to see the ladies home to their little
+three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. "Can
+the bird forget its nest?" Orlando used to say (he was a romantic
+young fellow, that's the truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron
+incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann). "Can the bird, let
+loose in eastern climes, forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember
+its beloved bulbul?--Ah, no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I
+hope to die--a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered
+your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your
+house, your furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty
+shaving customers, to me? Are these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if
+she would allow me to call her so. Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me
+in the workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I
+never, never shall be different!" When he had said this, Orlando was so
+much affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room.
+
+Then Jemimarann began to cry too. "Oh, Pa!" said she, "isn't he--isn't
+he a nice young man?"
+
+"I'm HANGED if he ain't," says Tug. "What do you think of his giving me
+eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water for Mimarann?"
+
+"He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate," says
+Jemmy.
+
+"What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than give
+Tuggeridge the chance."
+
+
+FAMILY BUSTLE.
+
+
+Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in
+prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves;
+and were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings toward
+him, and he actually wrote to me to say--
+
+
+"SIR,--I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do
+not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims
+which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my
+father's estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my
+father's papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with
+perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs.
+For this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself
+(who acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a will, in India,
+proved MY just claims, you must remember how they were met, and the
+vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them.
+
+"I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more
+fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will
+give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you
+shall find one to suit you.
+
+"I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. You
+have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to try
+his fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an
+appointment; and am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+"JOHN TUGGERIDGE"
+
+
+It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and
+looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it.
+
+"I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any
+rate," cries Jemmy. "There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a
+whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him."
+
+"Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them
+things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!"
+And so she sailed out.
+
+Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been in
+misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when
+he heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando.
+"Ah, I suppose you'll forget me now?" says he with a sigh; and seemed
+the only unhappy person in company.
+
+"Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of
+dignity, "that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work--"
+
+"Woman!" cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way),
+"hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us
+hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando,
+if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you'll take five
+hundred pounds for a half-share of the shop, they're yours; and THAT'S
+for you, Mrs. Cox."
+
+And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop,
+where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder,
+plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and
+Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all
+day long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the
+bridal-dresses: for the wedding is to take place the day after
+to-morrow. I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and as
+for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all
+his Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of our friends and
+neighbors, to celebrate our reappearance among them; and very merry we
+all were. We had a capital fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy
+hour this morning. We begun with quadrills, but I never could do 'em
+well; and after that, to please Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a
+gallopard, which I found anything but easy: for since I am come back to
+a life of peace and comfort, it's astonishing how stout I'm getting. So
+we turned at once to what Jemmy and me excels in--a country dance; which
+is rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town life. As for
+young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox says is
+very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the sea. But stop!
+here comes in the punchbowls; and if we are not happy, who is? I say I
+am like the Swish people, for I can't flourish out of my native HAIR.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Burlesques, by William Makepeace Thackeray
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext Burlesques, by William M. Thackeray
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+This etext was prepared by Donald Lainson, charlie@idirect.com.
+
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+
+
+BURLESQUES
+
+by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+NOTES BY EMINENT HANDS.
+
+
+George de Barnwell.  By Sir E. L. B. L., Bart.
+
+Codlingsby.  By D. Shrewsberry, Esq.
+
+Phil Fogarty.  A Tale of the Fighting Onety-Oneth.  By Harry
+Rollicker
+
+Barbazure.  By G. P. R. Jeames, Esq., etc.
+
+Lords and Liveries.  By the Authoress of "Dukes and Dejeuners,"
+"Hearts and Diamonds," "Marchionesses and Milliners," etc., etc.
+
+Crinoline.  By Je-mes Pl-sh, Esq.
+
+The Stars and Stripes.  By the Author of "The Last of the
+Mulligans," "Pilot," etc.
+
+A Plan for a Prize Novel
+
+
+
+THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., WITH HIS LETTERS.
+
+
+A Lucky Speculator
+
+The Diary
+
+Jeames on Time Bargings
+
+Jeames on the Gauge Question
+
+Mr. Jeames Again
+
+
+
+THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
+
+
+I. "Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction"
+
+II. Allyghur and Laswaree
+
+III. A Peep into Spain.--Account of the Origin and Services of the
+Ahmednuggar Irregulars
+
+IV. The Indian Camp--the Sortie from the Fort
+
+V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife
+
+VI. Famine in the Garrison
+
+VII. The Escape
+
+VIII. The Captive
+
+IX. Surprise of Futtyghur
+
+
+
+A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
+
+
+I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg
+
+II. The Godesbergers
+
+III. The Festival
+
+IV. The Flight
+
+V. The Traitor's Doom
+
+VI. The Confession
+
+VII. The Sentence
+
+VIII. The Childe of Godesberg
+
+IX. The Lady of Windeck
+
+X. The Battle of the Bowmen
+
+XI. The Martyr of Love
+
+XII. The Champion
+
+XIII. The Marriage
+
+
+
+REBECCA AND ROWENA; A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE.
+
+
+CHAPTER
+
+I. The Overture--Commencement of the Business
+
+II. The Last Days of the Lion
+
+III. St. George for England
+
+IV. Ivanhoe Redivivus
+
+V. Ivanhoe to the Rescue
+
+VI. Ivanhoe the Widower
+
+VII. The End of the Performance
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
+
+
+I.  --
+
+II. Henry V. and Napoleon III
+
+III. The Advance of the Pretenders--Historical Review
+
+IV. The Battle of Rheims
+
+V. The Battle of Tours
+
+VI. The English under Jenkins
+
+VII. The Leaguer of Paris
+
+VIII. The Battle of the Forts
+
+IX. Louis XVII
+
+
+
+COX'S DIARY.
+
+
+The Announcement
+
+First Rout
+
+A Day with the Surrey Hounds
+
+The Finishing Touch
+
+A New Drop-Scene at the Opera
+
+Striking a Balance
+
+Down at Beulah
+
+A Tournament
+
+Over-Boarded and Under-Lodged
+
+Notice to Quit
+
+Law Life Assurance
+
+Family Bustle
+
+
+
+
+NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
+
+
+GEORGE DE BARNWELL
+
+BY SIR E. L. B. L., BART.
+
+
+VOL I.
+
+
+In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their
+offspring was Love.  Like his Divine parents, He is eternal.  He
+has his Mother's ravishing smile; his Father's steadfast eyes.  He
+rises every day, fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God.  He is
+Eros, the ever young.  Dark, dark were this world of ours had
+either Divinity left it--dark without the day-beams of the Latonian
+Charioteer, darker yet without the daedal Smile of the God of the
+Other Bow!  Dost know him, reader?
+
+Old is he, Eros, the ever young.  He and Time were children
+together.  Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable.
+Brightest of the Divinities, where hast thou not been sung?  Other
+worships pass away; the idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in
+the desert crumbling and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled,
+their fanes no longer rise among the quivering olive-groves of
+Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets of the amethyst Aegean!  These
+are gone, but thou remainest.  There is still a garland for thy
+temple, a heifer for thy stone.  A heifer?  Ah, many a darker
+sacrifice.  Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless One, and
+the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries from
+the bleeding hearts of men!
+
+While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing?  In Kingly
+and Heroic ages, 'twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake.
+But in these, our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the
+Monarch.  The people To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as
+They of old did the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the
+fate of the crowned Agamemnon.
+
+Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple?  Fate,
+Passion, Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the
+Furies that tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us
+Still? are not these still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of
+his palette? the chords of his lyre?  Listen!  I tell thee a tale--
+not of Kings--but of Men--not of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief,
+and Crime.  Listen, and but once more.  'Tis for the last time
+(probably) these fingers shall sweep the strings.
+
+E. L. B. L.
+
+
+NOONDAY IN CHEPE.
+
+
+'Twas noonday in Chepe.  High Tide in the mighty River City!--its
+banks wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man!
+The toppling wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the
+gilded equipage of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger
+vehicle from the green metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of
+our Babylon), in which every traveller might, for a modest
+remuneration, take a republican seat; the mercenary caroche, with
+its private freight; the brisk curricle of the letter-carrier,
+robed in royal scarlet: these and a thousand others were laboring
+and pressing onward, and locked and bound and hustling together in
+the narrow channel of Chepe.  The imprecations of the charioteers
+were terrible.  From the noble's broidered hammer-cloth, or the
+driving-seat of the common coach, each driver assailed the other
+with floods of ribald satire.  The pavid matron within the one
+vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pittance) shrieked
+and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to his office (to add
+another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over the blazoned
+panels, and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his very
+Menials could not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they
+gayly threaded the Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and
+quarrels of the scene, and exacerbated the already furious
+combatants by their poignant infantile satire.  And the
+Philosopher, as he regarded the hot strife and struggle of these
+Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh of the
+Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene.
+
+'Twas noon in Chepe.  The ware-rooms were thronged.  The flaunting
+windows of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering
+panes behind which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver,
+induced rustics to pause: although only noon, the savory odors of
+the Cook Shops tempted the over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath,
+or to the fragrant potage that mocks the turtle's flavor--the
+turtle!  O dapibus suprimi grata testudo Jovis!  I am an Alderman
+when I think of thee!  Well: it was noon in Chepe.
+
+But were all battling for gain there?  Among the many brilliant
+shops whose casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century
+back (about which period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of
+Colonial produce.  A rudely carved image of a negro, with a
+fantastic plume and apron of variegated feathers, decorated the
+lintel.  The East and West had sent their contributions to
+replenish the window.
+
+The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of
+swarthy sugar marked "ONLY 6 1/2d."--That catty box, on which was
+the epigraph "STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d," was from the
+country of Confutzee--that heap of dark produce bore the legend
+"TRY OUR REAL NUT"--'Twas Cocoa--and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose
+milk has refreshed the traveller and perplexed the natural
+philosopher.  The shop in question was, in a word, a Grocer's.
+
+In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to
+judge from his appearance (though 'twas a difficult task, as, in
+sooth, his back was turned), had just reached that happy period of
+life when the Boy is expanding into the Man.  O Youth, Youth!
+Happy and Beautiful!  O fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the
+dew yet lies on the flowers, ere they have been scorched and
+withered by Passion's fiery Sun!  Immersed in thought or study, and
+indifferent to the din around him, sat the boy.  A careless
+guardian was he of the treasures confided to him.  The crowd passed
+in Chepe; he never marked it.  The sun shone on Chepe; he only
+asked that it should illumine the page he read.  The knave might
+filch his treasures; he was heedless of the knave.  The customer
+might enter; but his book was all in all to him.
+
+And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the
+counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing
+at the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the
+homely and tightened garments he wore.
+
+"Ahem! sir!  I say, young man!" the customer exclaimed.
+
+"Ton d'apameibomenos prosephe," read on the student, his voice
+choked with emotion.  "What language!" he said; "how rich, how
+noble, how sonorous! prosephe podas--"
+
+The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery,
+that the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for
+the first time remarked her.  "A pretty grocer's boy you are," she
+cried, "with your applepiebomenos and your French and lingo.  Am I
+to be kept waiting for hever?"
+
+"Pardon, fair Maiden," said he, with high-bred courtesy: "'twas not
+French I read, 'twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard.
+In what can I be serviceable to ye, lady?" and to spring from his
+desk, to smooth his apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop
+Boy, the Poet no more, was the work of a moment.
+
+"I might have prigged this box of figs," the damsel said good-
+naturedly, "and you'd never have turned round."
+
+"They came from the country of Hector," the boy said.  "Would you
+have currants, lady?  These once bloomed in the island gardens of
+the blue Aegean.  They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is
+low; they're fourpence-halfpenny a pound.  Would ye mayhap make
+trial of our teas?  We do not advertise, as some folks do: but sell
+as low as any other house."
+
+"You're precious young to have all these good things," the girl
+exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation.
+"If I was you, and stood behind the counter, I should be eating
+figs the whole day long."
+
+"Time was," answered the lad, "and not long since I thought so too.
+I thought I never should be tired of figs.  But my old uncle bade
+me take my fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them."
+
+"I think you gentlemen are always so," the coquette said.
+
+"Nay, say not so, fair stranger!" the youth replied, his face
+kindling as he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire.  "Figs
+pall; but oh! the Beautiful never does.  Figs rot; but oh! the
+Truthful is eternal.  I was born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty
+and the Ideal.  My soul yearns for the Visionary.  I stand behind
+the counter, it is true; but I ponder here upon the deeds of
+heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages.  What is grocery for
+one who has ambition?  What sweetness hath Muscovada to him who
+hath tasted of Poesy?  The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true
+Real, and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination.  But pardon
+me; with what may I serve thee?"
+
+"I came only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust," the girl said, with a
+faltering voice; "but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for
+ever!"
+
+Only for sixpenn'orth of tea-dust?  Girl, thou camest for other
+things!  Thou lovedst his voice?  Siren! what was the witchery of
+thine own?  He deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the
+little hand.  She paid for her small purchase, and with a farewell
+glance of her lustrous eyes, she left him.  She passed slowly
+through the portal, and in a moment was lost in the crowd.  It was
+noon in Chepe.  And George de Barnwell was alone.
+
+
+Vol. II.
+
+
+We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to
+anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which
+most readers are familiar.
+
+Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the
+tale is briefly thus:
+
+The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer's
+shop in Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs,
+half a dozen times in the week.
+
+She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal
+attachment.
+
+This flame acts violently upon George.  His bosom swells with
+ambition.  His genius breaks out prodigiously.  He talks about the
+Good, the Beautiful, the Ideal, &c., in and out of all season, and
+is virtuous and eloquent almost beyond belief--in fact like
+Devereux, or P. Clifford, or E. Aram, Esquires.
+
+Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in
+the world which he is destined to ornament.  He outdoes all the
+dandies, all the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries
+of the age--an indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and
+George II.--dines with Curll at St. John's Gate, pinks Colonel
+Charteris in a duel behind Montague House, is initiated into the
+intrigues of the Chevalier St. George, whom he entertains at his
+sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and likewise in disguise at the
+shop in Cheapside.
+
+His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very
+little taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business
+to the pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble
+Barnwells came.  George's cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed
+with a secret passion for him.
+
+Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant
+little chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to
+present an age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and
+correct as that in the "Last of the Barons," or in "Eugene Aram,"
+or other works of our author, in which Sentiment and History, or
+the True and Beautiful, are united.
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+BUTTON'S IN PALL MALL.
+
+
+Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence
+which society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall
+Mall, and which, because they knock you down with their dulness,
+are called Clubs no doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St.
+James's Street, at a half-score of other dandies gaping from
+another bay-window over the way; those who consult a dreary evening
+paper for news, or satisfy themselves with the jokes of the
+miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town of the present
+day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some six or
+eight score years back.  Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St.
+James's Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and
+thy suffocating waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant
+predecessor in the same quarter?  The Brougham from which thou
+descendest at the portal of the "Carlton" or the "Travellers'," is
+like everybody else's; thy black coat has no more plaits, nor
+buttons, nor fancy in it than thy neighbor's; thy hat was made on
+the very block on which Lord Addlepate's was cast, who has just
+entered the Club before thee.  You and he yawn together out of the
+same omnibus-box every night; you fancy yourselves men of pleasure;
+you fancy yourselves men of fashion; you fancy yourselves men of
+taste; in fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy, the newspaper
+legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes and your
+thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom--poor Pall Mall dullards.
+Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you at present
+occupy, there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some five-
+and-twenty lustres ago.
+
+We are at Button's--the well-known sign of the "Turk's Head."  The
+crowd of periwigged heads at the windows--the swearing chairmen
+round the steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose
+vehicles denote the lofty rank of their owners),--the throng of
+embroidered beaux entering or departing, and rendering the air
+fragrant with the odors of pulvillio and pomander, proclaim the
+celebrated resort of London's Wit and Fashion.  It is the corner of
+Regent Street.  Carlton House has not yet been taken down.
+
+A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate
+at one of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit
+is likewise embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or
+wear.  A little deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the
+Morning Chronicle newspaper by the fire, while a divine, with a
+broad brogue and a shovel hat and cassock, is talking freely with a
+gentleman, whose star and ribbon, as well as the unmistakable
+beauty of his Phidian countenance, proclaims him to be a member of
+Britain's aristocracy.
+
+Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the
+other with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating
+Race, are gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the
+celebrated Club, but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate
+of that exquisite dish, the muffin (then newly invented), at the
+desire of some of the revellers within.
+
+"I would, Sam," said the wild youth to his companion, "that I had
+some of my mother Macclesfield's gold, to enable us to eat of those
+cates and mingle with yon springalds and beaux."
+
+"To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy," said the youth
+addressed as Sam, "might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the
+cheek of the parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life
+when History fortifies endurance: and past study renders present
+deprivation more bearable.  If our pecuniary resources be exiguous,
+let our resolution, Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune.  The
+muffin we desire to-day would little benefit us to-morrow.  Poor
+and hungry as we are, are we less happy, Dick, than yon listless
+voluptuary who banquets on the food which you covet?"
+
+And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the
+"Parthenon" Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel
+at a neighboring cook's shop.  Their names were Samuel Johnson and
+Richard Savage.
+
+Meanwhile the conversation at Button's was fast and brilliant.  "By
+Wood's thirteens, and the divvle go wid 'em," cried the Church
+dignitary in the cassock, "is it in blue and goold ye are this
+morning, Sir Richard, when you ought to be in seebles?"
+
+"Who's dead, Dean?" said the nobleman, the dean's companion.
+
+"Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name's Jonathan Swift--
+and I'm not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father's
+name?--there's been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely.  A
+child of Dick Steele's has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and
+quarthered, and it's Joe Addison yondther has done it.  Ye should
+have killed one of your own, Joe, ye thief of the world."
+
+"I!" said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; "I kill
+Dick's child!  I was godfather to the last."
+
+"And promised a cup and never sent it," Dick ejaculated.  Joseph
+looked grave.
+
+"The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet.
+What made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock?  The whole town is in
+tears about the good knight; all the ladies at Church this
+afternoon were in mourning; all the booksellers are wild; and
+Lintot says not a third of the copies of the Spectator are sold
+since the death of the brave old gentleman."  And the Dean of St.
+Patrick's pulled out the Spectator newspaper, containing the well-
+known passage regarding Sir Roger's death.  "I bought it but now in
+'Wellington Street,'" he said; "the newsboys were howling all down
+the Strand."
+
+"What a miracle is Genius--Genius, the Divine and Beautiful," said
+a gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed
+cavalier in iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in
+fact Mr. Alexander Pope.  "What a marvellous gift is this, and
+royal privilege of Art!  To make the Ideal more credible than the
+Actual: to enchain our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets,
+our tears, for a mere brain-born Emanation: to invest with life the
+Incorporeal, and to glamour the cloudy into substance,--these are
+the lofty privileges of the Poet, if I have read poesy aright; and
+I am as familiar with the sounds that rang from Homer's lyre, as
+with the strains which celebrate the loss of Belinda's lovely
+locks"--(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly delighted)--"these, I
+say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet--the Poietes--the Maker--
+he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot charm death
+into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty out of
+Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal.  Ho! Jemmy,
+another flask of Nantz."
+
+And the boy--for he who addressed the most brilliant company of
+wits in Europe was little more--emptied the contents of the brandy-
+flask into a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of
+the company assembled.  'Twas the third he had taken during the
+sitting.  Presently, and with a graceful salute to the Society, he
+quitted the coffee-house, and was seen cantering on a magnificent
+Arab past the National Gallery.
+
+"Who is yon spark in blue and silver?  He beats Joe Addison
+himself, in drinking,, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the
+three kingdoms," Dick Steele said, good-naturedly.
+
+"His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard,"
+the Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed.  "He is the author of
+that famous No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the
+credit."
+
+"The rascal foiled me at capping verses," Dean Swift said, "and won
+a tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!"
+
+"He has suggested an emendation in my 'Homer,' which proves him a
+delicate scholar," Mr. Pope exclaimed.
+
+"He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and
+we must have an eye upon him," said Lord Bolingbroke, then
+Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-
+looking person who was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him
+something.
+
+Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all
+the wits of London with admiration?  His galloping charger had
+returned to the City; his splendid court-suit was doffed for the
+citizen's gabardine and grocer's humble apron.
+
+George de Barnwell was in Chepe--in Chepe, at the feet of Martha
+Millwood.
+
+
+VOL III.
+
+THE CONDEMNED CELL.
+
+
+"Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor?  Nay," George
+added, a faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, "why
+speak to thee in the accents of the Roman poet, which thou
+comprehendest not?  Bright One, there be other things in Life, in
+Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth, this Heart on which thou
+leanest, which are equally unintelligible to thee!  Yes, my pretty
+one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what is the Ideal
+but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal?  And the
+Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders
+by the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck
+before that Azure Mystery."
+
+Emily's eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew.  "Speak on, speak ever
+thus, my George," she exclaimed.  Barnwell's chains rattled as the
+confiding girl clung to him.  Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed
+to sit with the Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate
+language, and also burst into tears.
+
+"You weep, my Snoggin," the Boy said; "and why?  Hath Life been so
+charming to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no
+after-Weariness?  Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory
+no Mockery?  Psha!  I am sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary
+of Wine and Wit, and--nay, start not, my Adelaide--and Woman.  I
+fling away all these things as the Toys of Boyhood.  Life is the
+Soul's Nursery.  I am a Man, and pine for the Illimitable!  Mark
+you me!  Has the Morrow any terrors for me, think ye?  Did Socrates
+falter at his poison?  Did Seneca blench in his bath?  Did Brutus
+shirk the sword when his great stake was lost?  Did even weak
+Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent's fatal nip?  And why should I?
+My great Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit.  Lie
+sheathed in my heart, thou flashing Blade!  Welcome to my Bosom,
+thou faithful Serpent; I hug thee, peace-bearing Image of the
+Eternal!  Ha, the hemlock cup!  Fill high, boy, for my soul is
+thirsty for the Infinite!  Get ready the bath, friends; prepare me
+for the feast To-morrow--bathe my limbs in odors, and put ointment
+in my hair."
+
+"Has for a bath," Snoggin interposed, "they're not to be 'ad in
+this ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little
+hoil for your 'air."
+
+The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily.  "My guardian understands
+me not, pretty one--and thou? what sayest thou?  From those dear
+lips methinks--plura sunt oscula quam sententiae--I kiss away thy
+tears, dove!--they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will
+dry, and presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they
+have beamed on poor George Barnwell.  Yet wilt thou not all forget
+him, sweet one.  He was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for
+all the world said--"
+
+"That, that he had," cried the gaoler and the girl in voices
+gurgling with emotion.  And you who read! you unconvicted Convict--
+you murderer, though haply you have slain no one--you Felon in
+posse if not in esse--deal gently with one who has used the
+Opportunity that has failed thee--and believe that the Truthful and
+the Beautiful bloom sometimes in the dock and the convict's tawny
+Gabardine!
+
+       .       .       .       .       .       .       .       .
+
+In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought
+to acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong.  "It may be an
+error of judgment," he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol,
+"but it is no crime.  Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse.  Where
+there is no remorse, Crime cannot exist.  I am not sorry:
+therefore, I am innocent.  Is the proposition a fair one?"
+
+The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested.
+
+"And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow," the Boy resumed, "for
+ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was
+dross, and who never had a feeling for the Truthful and the
+Beautiful?  When I stood before my uncle in the moonlight, in the
+gardens of the ancestral halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that it
+was the Nemesis come to overthrow him.  'Dog,' I said to the
+trembling slave, 'tell me where thy Gold is.  THOU hast no use for
+it.  I can spend it in relieving the Poverty on which thou
+tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest not; in uplifting
+Art, to which thou art blind.  Give Gold, and thou art free.'  But
+he spake not, and I slew him."
+
+"I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated," said the
+admirable chaplain, "for its general practice might chance to do
+harm.  Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and
+Beloved, the Poet and Sage, urged by what I cannot but think a
+grievous error, hast appeared as Avenger.  Think what would be the
+world's condition, were men without any Yearning after the Ideal to
+attempt to reorganize Society, to redistribute Property, to avenge
+Wrong."
+
+"A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven," said the noble though
+misguided young Prisoner.  "Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell."
+
+"Yes, indeed, my brave youth!" the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed,
+clasping the Prisoner's marble and manacled hand; "and the Tragedy
+of To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be
+permitted even to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of
+the Ideal and the Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the
+Real likewise."
+
+"Look! here is supper!" cried Barnwell gayly.  "This is the Real,
+Doctor; let us respect it and fall to."  He partook of the meal as
+joyously as if it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy
+chaplain could scarcely eat it for tears.
+
+
+* This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is expressed much
+more eloquently in the ingenious romance of Eugene Aram:--"The
+burning desires I have known--the resplendent visions I have
+nursed--the sublime aspirings that have lifted me so often from
+sense and clay: these tell me, that whether for good or ill, I am
+the thing of an immortality and the creature of a God. . . .  I
+have destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by which
+he afflicted society, I have been the means of blessing many."
+
+
+
+CODLINGSBY.
+
+BY D. SHREWSBERRY, ESQ.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+"The whole world is bound by one chain.  In every city in the globe
+there is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize
+from its likeness to its brother district in all other places where
+are congregated the habitations of men.  In Tehran, or Pekin, or
+Stamboul, or New York, or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain
+district where a certain man is not a stranger.  Where the idols
+are fed with incense by the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the
+minarets soar sparkling above the cypresses, their reflections
+quivering in the lucid waters of the Golden Horn; where the yellow
+Tiber flows under broken bridges and over imperial glories; where
+the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the palm-trees; where the
+Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its bridges, its
+graceful factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes--hidden in fog and
+smoke by the dirtiest river in the world--in all the cities of
+mankind there is One Home whither men of one family may resort.
+Over the entire world spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering,
+silent, scattered, sympathizing, WAITING--an immense Free-Masonry.
+Once this world-spread band was an Arabian clan--a little nation
+alone and outlying amongst the mighty monarchies of ancient time,
+the Megatheria of history.  The sails of their rare ships might be
+seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of their caravans might
+thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the date-groves of
+Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in many wars,
+against mighty odds; but 'twas a small people, and on one dark
+night the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian's Eagles, and in
+flame, and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . .
+Yes, the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken
+the world in exchange?"
+
+Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he
+debouched from Wych Street into the Strand.  He had been to take a
+box for Armida at Madame Vestris's theatre.  That little Armida was
+folle of Madame Vestris's theatre; and her little brougham, and her
+little self, and her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass,
+and her miraculous bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty
+guineas every evening at Nathan's in Covent Garden (the children of
+the gardeners of Sharon have still no rival for flowers), might be
+seen, three nights in the week at least, in the narrow, charming,
+comfortable little theatre.  Godfrey had the box.  He was
+strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts passed
+through the young noble's mind as he came in sight of Holywell
+Street.
+
+The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in
+the evening sunshine.  Children were playing on the steps.  Fathers
+were smoking at the lintel.  Smiling faces looked out from the
+various and darkling draperies with which the warehouses were hung.
+Ringlets glossy, and curly, and jetty--eyes black as night--
+midsummer night--when it lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks
+of eagles--eager quivering nostrils--lips curved like the bow of
+Love--every man or maiden, every babe or matron in that English
+Jewry bore in his countenance one or more of these characteristics
+of his peerless Arab race.
+
+"How beautiful they are!" mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these
+placid groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset.
+
+"D'you vant to look at a nishe coat?" a voice said, which made him
+start; and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of
+Stultz's with a familiarity which would have made the baron
+tremble.
+
+"Rafael Mendoza!" exclaimed Godfrey.
+
+"The same, Lord Codlingsby," the individual so apostrophized
+replied.  "I told you we should meet again where you would little
+expect me.  Will it please you to enter? this is Friday, and we
+close at sunset.  It rejoices my heart to welcome you home."  So
+saying Rafael laid his hand on his breast, and bowed, an oriental
+reverence.  All traces of the accent with which he first addressed
+Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise; half the Hebrew's
+life is a disguise.  He shields himself in craft, since the Norman
+boors persecuted him.
+
+They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies,
+greasy spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and
+hideous as the entrance was foul.  "THIS your home, Rafael?" said
+Lord Codlingsby.
+
+"Why not?" Rafael answered.  "I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein;
+the Rhine bores me after a while.  It is too hot for Florence;
+besides they have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place
+smells of putty.  You wouldn't have a man, mon cher, bury himself
+in his chateau in Normandy, out of the hunting season?  The
+Rugantino Palace stupefies me.  Those Titians are so gloomy, I
+shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I think, from my house at the
+Hague hung over them."
+
+"How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you,
+Rafael?" Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing.
+
+"This is one," Rafael answered.  "Come in."
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming
+sullenly over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary's was clanging
+with alarm; St. Giles's tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses,
+flights of brickbats, stones shivering windows, groans of wounded
+men, cries of frightened females, cheers of either contending party
+as it charged the enemy from Carfax to Trumpington Street,
+proclaimed that the battle was at its height.
+
+In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the
+cuirassiers would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that
+infuriate mob.  In France they would have brought down artillery,
+and played on it with twenty-four pounders.  In Cambridge nobody
+heeded the disturbance--it was a Town and Gown row.
+
+The row arose at a boat-race.  The Town boat (manned by eight stout
+Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the
+Brazenose light oar, usually at the head of the river.  High words
+arose regarding the dispute.  After returning from Granchester,
+when the boats pulled back to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance
+between the Townsmen and the University youths--their invariable
+opponents--grew louder and more violent, until it broke out in open
+battle.  Sparring and skirmishing took place along the pleasant
+fields that lead from the University gate down to the broad and
+shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of Balliol and
+Sidney Sussex.  The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young sizar
+at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar of
+the Bargee boat.  Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful
+butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great
+University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the
+combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection.
+
+During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a
+narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention.  He rowed about a
+hundred yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have
+a good view of that curious pastime.  If the eight-oars neared him,
+with a few rapid strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a
+furlong ahead; then he would wait, surveying the race, and sending
+up volumes of odor from his cool narghilly.
+
+"Who is he?" asked the crowds who panted along the shore,
+encouraging, according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the
+oarsmen in the race.  Town and Gown alike asked who it was, who,
+with an ease so provoking, in a barque so singular, with a form
+seemingly so slight, but a skill so prodigious, beat their best
+men.  No answer could be given to the query, save that a gentleman
+in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six fourgons and a
+courier, had arrived the day before at the "Hoop Inn," opposite
+Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the
+individual in question.
+
+No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any
+that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman.
+That boat--slim, shining, and shooting through the water like a
+pike after a small fish--was a caique from Tophana; it had
+distanced the Sultan's oarsmen and the best crews of the Capitan
+Pasha in the Bosphorus; it was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg,
+Caikjee Bashee of his Highness.  The Bashee had refused fifty
+thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the Russian Ambassador, for
+that little marvel.  When his head was taken off, the Father of
+Believers presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza.
+
+It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the
+battle of Nezeeb.  By sending three millions of piastres to the
+Seraskier; by bribing Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in
+the camp of the victorious Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army
+was stopped--the menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from
+ruin; the Marchioness of Stokepogis, our ambassador's lady,
+appeared in a suite of diamonds which outblazed even the Romanoff
+jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the little caique.  He never
+travelled without it.  It was scarcely heavier than an arm-chair.
+Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the Cam that morning,
+and Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have mentioned.
+
+The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed,
+full-fed, and eager for battle.  If the Gown was angry, the Town,
+too, was on the alert.  From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and
+mill, from wharf and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the
+enemy, and their battle was soon general.  From the Addenbrook's
+hospital to the Blenheim turnpike, all Cambridge was in an uproar--
+the college gates closed--the shops barricaded--the shop-boys away
+in support of their brother townsmen--the battle raged, and the
+Gown had the worst of the fight.
+
+A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at
+his inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university
+cooks to entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water
+formed his meal.  In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to
+partake of the slighted banquet.  "A breakfast! psha!" said he.
+"My good man, I have nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from four
+hundred a year.  I can have a dinner at any hour; but a Town and
+Gown row" (a brickbat here flying through the window crashed the
+caraffe of water in Mendoza's hand)--"a Town and Gown row is a
+novelty to me.  The Town has the best of it, clearly, though: the
+men outnumber the lads.  Ha, a good blow!  How that tall townsman
+went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet trencher
+cap."
+
+"That is the Lord Codlingsby," the landlord said.
+
+"A light weight, but a pretty fighter," Mendoza remarked.  "Well
+hit with your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby;
+claret drawn, by Jupiter!"
+
+"Ours is werry fine," the landlord said.  "Will your Highness have
+Chateau Margaux or Lafitte?"
+
+"He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!"
+Rafael exclaimed, as an enormous boatman--no other than Rullock--
+indeed, the most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose
+fists the Gownsmen went down like ninepins--fought his way up to
+the spot where, with admirable spirit and resolution, Lord
+Codlingsby and one or two of his friends were making head against a
+number of the town.
+
+The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his
+race, but was no match for the enemy's strength and weight and
+sinew, and went down at every round.  The brutal fellow had no
+mercy on the lad.  His savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed
+the unequal combat from the inn-window.  "Hold your hand!" he cried
+to this Goliath; "don't you see he's but a boy?"
+
+"Down he goes again!" the bargeman cried, not heeding the
+interruption.  "Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!"
+
+"Coward!" shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a
+shower of brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one
+of the pillars to the ground, was an instant's work.
+
+At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman.
+
+       .       .       .       .       .       .       .      .
+
+After the coroner's inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to
+each of the bargeman's ten children, and it was thus his first
+acquaintance was formed with Lord Codlingsby.
+
+But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell
+Street.  Let us go in.
+
+
+III.
+
+
+Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of
+the old mansion in Holywell Street.  It was a masquerade warehouse
+to all appearance.  A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing
+at the dark and grimy counter, strewed with old feathers, old
+yellow hoots, old stage mantles, painted masks, blind and yet
+gazing at you with a look of sad death-like intelligence from the
+vacancy behind their sockets.
+
+A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny
+and silver, slashed with dirty light blue.  He was going to a
+masquerade that night.  He thought Polly Pattens would admire him
+in the dress--Polly Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work--the
+Borough Venus, adored by half the youth of Guy's.
+
+"You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint," pretty Rachel said,
+coaxing him with her beady black eyes.
+
+"It IS the cheese," replied Mr. Lint; "it ain't the dress that
+don't suit, my rose of Sharon; it's the FIGURE.  Hullo, Rafael, is
+that you, my lad of sealing-wax?  Come and intercede for me with
+this wild gazelle; she says I can't have it under fifteen bob for
+the night.  And it's too much: cuss me if it's not too much, unless
+you'll take my little bill at two months, Rafael."
+
+"There's a sweet pretty brigand's dress you may have for half de
+monish," Rafael replied; "there's a splendid clown for eight bob;
+but for dat Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve'd ask
+a guinea of any but you.  Here's a gentlemansh just come to look at
+it.  Look 'ear, Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan
+dat?"  So saying, Rafael turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost
+gravity, and displayed to him the garment about which the young
+medicus was haggling.
+
+"Cheap at the money," Codlingsby replied; "if you won't make up
+your mind, sir, I should like to engage it myself."  But the
+thought that another should appear before Polly Pattens in that
+costume was too much for Mr. Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen
+shillings for the garment.  And Rafael, pocketing the money with
+perfect simplicity, said, "Dis vay, Mr. Brownsh: dere's someting
+vill shoot you in the next shop."
+
+Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering.
+
+"You are surprised at our system," said Rafael, marking the evident
+bewilderment of his friend.  "Confess you would call it meanness--
+my huckstering with yonder young fool.  I call it simplicity.  Why
+throw away a shilling without need?  Our race never did.  A
+shilling is four men's bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers
+by holding them out relief in their necessity?  It is you who are
+mean--you Normans--not we of the ancient race.  You have your
+vulgar measurement for great things and small.  You call a thousand
+pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable.  Psha, my Codlingsby!
+One is as the other.  I trade in pennies and in millions.  I am
+above or below neither."
+
+They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of
+cedar, and, in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the
+young Hebrews are in the habit of vending through the streets.  "I
+have sold bundles and bundles of these," said Rafael.  "My little
+brother is now out with oranges in Piccadilly.  I am bringing him
+up to be head of our house at Amsterdam.  We all do it.  I had
+myself to see Rothschild in Eaton Place this morning, about the
+Irish loan, of which I have taken three millions: and as I wanted
+to walk, I carried the bag.
+
+"You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the
+Archbishop of Croydon's daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet's,
+Knightsbridge, and as she fancied she recognized in the man who was
+crying old clothes the gentleman with whom she had talked at the
+Count de St. Aulair's the night before."  Something like a blush
+flushed over the pale features of Mendoza as he mentioned the Lady
+Lauda's name.  "Come on," said he.  They passed through various
+warehouses--the orange room, the sealing-wax room, the six-bladed
+knife department, and finally came to an old baize door.  Rafael
+opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they were in
+a black passage, with a curtain at the end.
+
+He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew
+back, and a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his
+visitor.
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+
+They entered a moderate-sized apartment--indeed, Holywell Street is
+not above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than
+half that length--it was fitted up with the simple taste of its
+owner.
+
+The carpet was of white velvet--(laid over several webs of Aubusson,
+Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it
+trod upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed
+you)--of white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic
+figures, by Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and
+Paul Delaroche.  The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and
+fringed with Valenciennes lace and bullion.  The walls were hung
+with cloth of silver, embroidered with gold figures, over which were
+worked pomegranates, polyanthuses, and passion-flowers, in ruby,
+amethyst, and smaragd.  The drops of dew which the artificer had
+sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds.  The hangings were overhung
+by pictures yet more costly.  Giorgione the gorgeous, Titian the
+golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of Painting), some of
+Murillo's beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you out of darkness
+like a star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and fifty of the
+master-pieces of the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial genius
+of Urbino, covered the walls of the little chamber.  Divans of carved
+amber covered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst was
+a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double-distilled
+otto of roses.
+
+"Pipes, Goliath!" Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver
+collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); and
+welcome to our snuggery, my Codlingsby.  We are quieter here than
+in the front of the house, and I wanted to show you a picture.  I'm
+proud of my pictures.  That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a
+gift to our father from my cousin, Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo
+was pawned to my uncle by Marie Antoinette before the flight to
+Varennes--the poor lady could not redeem the pledge, you know, and
+the picture remains with us.  As for the Rafael, I suppose you are
+aware that he was one of our people.  But what are you gazing at?
+Oh! my sister--I forgot.  Miriam! this is the Lord Codlingsby."
+
+She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl
+music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz.  She rose when thus
+apostrophized.  Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger.
+
+The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives--Zillah the dark beauty;
+Eva the fair one.  The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva
+were golden.  The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were
+morning.  Codlingsby was fair--of the fair Saxon race of Hengist
+and Horsa--they called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much
+fairer was Miriam the Hebrew!
+
+Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the
+delight of all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at.
+It was of burning auburn.  Meandering over her fairest shoulders in
+twenty thousand minute ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it.
+A light blue velvet fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued
+at two hundred thousand tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant
+Vicovich, who had received it from Dost Mahomed), with a simple bird
+of paradise, formed her head-gear.  A sea-green cymar with short
+sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded arms to perfection, and
+was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over a yellow satin frock.
+Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and slippers of the same
+color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but so covered with
+pearls that the original hue of the charming little papoosh
+disappeared entirely) completed her costume.  She had three
+necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess--her
+fingers glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and priceless
+bracelets, bangles, and armlets wound round an arm that was whiter
+than the ivory grand piano on which it leaned.
+
+As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the
+solemn welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the
+brightness of her beauty.  It was well she spoke; the sweet kind
+voice restored him to consciousness.  Muttering a few words of
+incoherent recognition, he sank upon a sandalwood settee, as
+Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic coffee in cups of opal,
+and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the fragrant Gibelly.
+
+"My lord's pipe is out," said Miriam with a smile, remarking the
+bewilderment of her guest--who in truth forgot to smoke--and taking
+up a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it
+at the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk
+of Lord Codlingsby.
+
+
+IV.
+
+
+When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a
+signal from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of
+the ivory piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he
+were listening at the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny
+Lind.
+
+"Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of
+Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or
+Lewis or Lyons or Lion.  The beautiful and the brave alike give
+cognizances to the ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves
+Brown, or Smith, or Rodgers," Rafael observed to his friend; and,
+drawing the instrument from his pocket, he accompanied his sister,
+in the most ravishing manner, on a little gold and jewelled harp,
+of the kind peculiar to his nation.
+
+All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by
+composers of her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca
+by Braham, a delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber,
+that, thrilling on the strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony
+on the fibres of the heart; but she sang no other than the songs of
+her nation.
+
+"Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always," Codlingsby thought.  "I
+could sit at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that
+Paradise-birds were singing in the boughs."
+
+Rafael read his thoughts.  "We have Saxon blood too in our veins,"
+he said.  "You smile! but it is even so.  An ancestress of ours
+made a mesalliance in the reign of your King John.  Her name was
+Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, and she married in Spain,
+whither she had fled to the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of
+Ivanhoe; then a widower by the demise of his first lady, Rowena.
+The match was deemed a cruel insult amongst our people but Wilfred
+conformed, and was a Rabbi of some note at the synagogue of
+Cordova.  We are descended from him lineally.  It is the only blot
+upon the escutcheon of the Mendozas."
+
+As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having
+retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the
+soul of the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers
+from the outer apartments came in to transact business with him.
+
+First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers
+to sign.  "How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is
+your son tired of his yacht yet?" Mendoza asked.  "That is my
+twenty-fourth cashier," said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the
+obsequious clerk went away.  "He is fond of display, and all my
+people may have what money they like."
+
+Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his
+mortgage.  The Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a
+haughty air, shrank back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding
+the magnificence around him.  "Little Mordecai," said Rafael to a
+little orange-boy, who came in at the heels of the noble, "take
+this gentleman out and let him have ten thousand pounds.  I can't
+do more for you, my lord, than this--I'm busy.  Good-by!"  And
+Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking his
+narghilly.
+
+A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache,
+came next.  He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily
+upon his high-heeled boots.  "Tell your master that he shall have
+two millions more, but not another shilling," Rafael said.  That
+story about the five-and-twenty millions of ready money at
+Cronstadt is all bosh.  They won't believe it in Europe.  You
+understand me, Count Grogomoffski?"
+
+"But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the
+knout unless--"
+
+"Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court,"
+said Mendoza good-naturedly.  "Leave me at peace, Count: don't you
+see it is Friday, and almost sunset?"  The Calmuck envoy retired
+cringing, and left an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him.
+
+An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping
+bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new
+loan for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid
+colloquy in his own language, was dismissed by Rafael.
+
+"The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be
+disposed of," Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from
+Spain, General the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him.  "Which shall it
+be, my Codlingsby?"  Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer--for
+indeed he was amazed to find all the affairs of the world
+represented here, and Holywell Street the centre of Europe--when
+three knocks of a peculiar nature were heard, and Mendoza starting
+up, said, "Ha! there are only four men in the world who know that
+signal."  At once, and with a reverence quite distinct from his
+former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer.
+
+He was an old man--an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race--
+the light of his eyes was unfathomable--about his mouth there
+played an inscrutable smile.  He had a cotton umbrella, and old
+trousers, and old boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a
+rotten old pear.
+
+He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made
+him the lowest reverence.
+
+"I am tired," says he; "I have come in fifteen hours.  I am ill at
+Neuilly," he added with a grin.  "Get me some eau sucree, and tell
+me the news, Prince de Mendoza.  These bread rows; this unpopularity
+of Guizot; this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling
+Montpensier and daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against
+Coletti, makes me quite ill.  Give me your opinion, my dear duke.
+But ha! whom have we here?"
+
+The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language
+to address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have
+pleaded ignorance of that tongue.  But he had been at Cambridge,
+where all the youth acquire it perfectly.
+
+"SIRE," said he, "I will not disguise from you that I know the
+ancient tongue in which you speak.  There are probably secrets
+between Mendoza and your Maj--"
+
+"Hush!" said Rafael, leading him from the room.  "Au revoir, dear
+Codlingsby.  His Majesty is one of US," he whispered at the door;
+"so is the Pope of Rome; so is . . ."--a whisper concealed the
+rest.
+
+"Gracious powers! is it so?" said Codlingsby, musing.  He entered
+into Holywell Street.  The sun was sinking.
+
+"It is time," said he, "to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic."
+
+
+
+PHIL FOGARTY.
+
+A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH.
+
+BY HARRY ROLLICKER.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+The gabion was ours.  After two hours' fighting we were in
+possession of the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable
+as circumstances would admit.  Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry
+Blake, the Doctor, and myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our
+servants laid out a hasty supper on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had
+escaped me so provokingly after I cut him down, his spoils were
+mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna sausage were found in the Marshal's
+holsters; and in the haversack of a French private who lay a corpse
+on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread, his three days' ration.
+Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may be sure, wherever
+the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him in his
+instrument-case.  We sat down and made a soldier's supper.  The
+Doctor pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees
+growing near (and round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had
+made a desperate rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere's
+helmet.
+
+"'Faith, it never had so much wit in it before," said the Doctor,
+as he ladled out the drink.  We all roared with laughing, except
+the guardsman, who was as savage as a Turk at a christening.
+
+"Buvez-en," said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; "ca vous fera
+du bien, mon vieux coq!" and the Colonel, whose wound had been just
+dressed, eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with
+a health to the donors.
+
+How strange are the chances of war!  But half an hour before he and
+I were engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my
+conqueror.  Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his
+horse, and was about to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which
+luckily was parried by my sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the
+next instant at my throat--I was on the ground--my prisoner had
+escaped, and a gigantic warrior in the uniform of a colonel of the
+regiment of Artois glaring over me with pointed sword.
+
+"Rends-toi, coquin!" said he.
+
+"Allez an Diable!" said I: "a Fogarty never surrenders."
+
+I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in
+Killaloo--I felt the tip of his blade between my teeth--I breathed
+a prayer, and shut my eyes--when the tables were turned--the butt-
+end of Lanty Clancy's musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm
+that held it.
+
+"Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish," said the French officer, with a curse
+in the purest Irish.  It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough
+to bid Lanty hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have
+brained my gallant adversary.  We were the better friends for our
+combat, as what gallant hearts are not?
+
+The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we
+sat down to make the most of our time.  The rogue of a Doctor took
+the liver-wing for his share--we gave the other to our guest, a
+prisoner; those scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the
+legs--and, 'faith, poor I was put off with the Pope's nose and a
+bit of the back.
+
+"How d'ye like his Holiness's FAYTURE?" said Jerry Blake.
+
+"Anyhow you'll have a MERRY THOUGHT," cried the incorrigible
+Doctor, and all the party shrieked at the witticism.
+
+"De mortuis nil nisi bonum," said Jack, holding up the drumstick
+clean.
+
+"'Faith, there's not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED,
+anyhow," said I; "come, boys, let's have a song."
+
+"Here goes," said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his
+own composition--
+
+
+     "Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill,
+      And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill,
+      Was once Tommy Tosspot's, as jovial a sot,
+      As e'er drew a spigot, or drain'd a full pot--
+      In drinking all round 'twas his joy to surpass,
+      And with all merry tipplers he swigg'd off his glass.
+
+     "One morning in summer, while seated so snug,
+      In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug,
+      Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear,
+      And said, 'Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;'
+      We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can,
+      From which let us drink to the health of my Nan."
+
+
+"Psha!" said the Doctor, "I've heard that song before; here's a new
+one for you, boys!" and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice--
+
+
+     "You've all heard of Larry O'Toole,
+      Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole;
+           He had but one eye,
+           To ogle ye by--
+      Oh, murther, but that was a jew'l!
+           A fool
+      He made of de girls, dis O'Toole.
+
+     "'Twas he was the boy didn't fail,
+      That tuck down pataties and mail;
+           He never would shrink
+           From any sthrong dthrink,
+      Was it whisky or Drogheda ale;
+           I'm bail
+      This Larry would swallow a pail.
+
+     "Oh, many a night at the bowl,
+      With Larry I've sot cheek by jowl;
+           He's gone to his rest,
+           Where there's dthrink of the best,
+      And so let us give his old sowl
+           A howl,
+      For twas he made the noggin to rowl."
+
+
+I observed the French Colonel's eye glistened as he heard these
+well-known accents of his country but we were too well-bred to
+pretend to remark his emotion.
+
+The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were
+finished, and each began to look out with some anxiety for the
+preconcerted signal, the rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian's quarters,
+which was to announce the recommencement of hostilities.  It came
+just as the moon rose in her silver splendor, and ere the rocket-
+stick fell quivering to the earth at the feet of General Picton
+and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts at the head of the
+storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns in position
+opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by a
+tremendous canonnade from the fort.
+
+"Who's going to dance?" said the Doctor: "the ball's begun.  Ha!
+there goes poor Jack Delamere's head off!  The ball chose a soft
+one, anyhow.  Come here, Tim, till I mend your leg.  Your wife has
+need only knit half as many stockings next year, Doolan my boy.
+Faix! there goes a big one had wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad!
+it has snuffed the feather off my cocked hat!"
+
+In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail,
+the undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty.  That
+he had a feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more
+so than Philip Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war.
+
+Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the
+Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little.  "Be
+cool, boys," I said; "it will be hot enough work for you ere long."
+The honest fellows answered with an Irish cheer.  I saw that it
+affected our prisoner.
+
+"Countryman," said I, "I know you; but an Irishman was never a
+traitor."
+
+"Taisez-vous!" said he, putting his finger to his lip.  "C'est la
+fortune de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the
+Marquis d' O'Mahony, and I may render you the hospitality which
+your tyrannous laws prevent me from exercising in the ancestral
+halls of my own race."
+
+I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye.  It was,
+then, the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a
+Marquis by Napoleon on the field of Austerlitz!
+
+"Marquis," said I, "the country which disowns you is proud of you;
+but--ha! here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance."  And
+in fact, Captain Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot,
+asked for the commander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself
+in readiness to move as soon as the flank companies of the Ninety-
+ninth, and Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade of the German
+Legion began to advance up the echelon.  The devoted band soon
+arrived; Jack Bowser heading the Ninety-ninth (when was he away and
+a storming-party to the fore?), and the gallant Potztausend, with
+his Hanoverian veterans.
+
+The second rocket flew up.
+
+"Forward, Onety-oneth!" cried I, in a voice of thunder.  "Killaloo
+boys, follow your captain!" and with a shrill hurray, that sounded
+above the tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep;
+Bowser with the brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend,
+keeping well up with us.  We passed the demilune, we passed the
+culverin, bayoneting the artillerymen at their guns; we advanced
+across the two tremendous demilunes which flank the counterscarp,
+and prepared for the final spring upon the citadel.  Soult I could
+see quite pale on the wall; and the scoundrel Cambaceres, who had
+been so nearly my prisoner that day, trembled as he cheered his
+men.  "On, boys, on!" I hoarsely exclaimed.  "Hurroo!" said the
+fighting Onety-oneth.
+
+But there was a movement among the enemy.  An officer, glittering
+with orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to
+the wall, and I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous
+Joachim Murat.
+
+"We are hardly pressed, methinks," Napoleon said sternly.  "I must
+exercise my old trade as an artilleryman;" and Murat loaded, and
+the Emperor pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that
+had not been silenced by our fire.
+
+"Hurray, Killaloo boys!" shouted I.  The next moment a sensation of
+numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the
+rampart.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+"Hush!" said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis
+d' O'Mahony.  "Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you.  For
+six weeks those are the only sane words I have heard from you."
+
+"Faix, and 'tis thrue for you, Colonel dear," cried another voice,
+with which I was even more familiar; 'twas that of my honest and
+gallant Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at
+his master's recovery.
+
+"O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day
+intirely, when I send off the news, which I would, barrin' I can't
+write, to the lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty;
+and 'tis his Riv'rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he
+reads the letther!  Six weeks ravin' and roarin' as bould as a
+lion, and as mad as Mick Malony's pig, that mistuck Mick's wig for
+a cabbage, and died of atin' it!"
+
+"And have I then lost my senses?" I exclaimed feebly.
+
+"Sure, didn't ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday,
+and catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora's jet-
+black ringlets?" Lanty cried.
+
+At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young
+creature I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of
+the bed, and sailed out of the room.
+
+"Confusion, you blundering rogue," I cried; "who is that lovely
+lady whom you frightened away by your impertinence?  Donna Anna?
+Where am I?"
+
+"You are in good hands, Philip," said the Colonel; "you are at my
+house in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military
+Governor.  You and Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the
+cannon-ball at Burgos.  Do not be ashamed: 'twas the Emperor
+pointed the gun;" and the Colonel took off his hat as he mentioned
+the name darling to France.  "When our troops returned from the
+sally in which your gallant storming party was driven back, you
+were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the City.
+Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but,
+unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who
+saved my life in '98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris."
+
+"And many's the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther
+Phil," said Clancy.
+
+"Brought you to Paris," resumed the Colonel, smiling; "where, by
+the soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you
+have been restored to health, thank heaven!"
+
+"And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?" I cried.
+
+"That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a
+descendant of the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses,
+Madame la Marechale de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria."
+
+"Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?" I cried.
+
+"Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?" the Colonel replied.
+"C'est la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and
+take this potion which Blanche has prepared for you."
+
+I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had
+compounded it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for
+I sank into a cool and refreshing slumber.
+
+From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of
+youth's happy time.  Blanche--the enchanting Blanche--ministered
+henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily
+hand.  And what were the effects?  'Faith, ere a month was past,
+the patient was over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as
+for Baron Larrey, and Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to
+the right-about.  In a short time I was in a situation to do
+justice to the gigot aux navets, the boeuf aux cornichons, and the
+other delicious entremets of the Marquis's board, with an appetite
+that astonished some of the Frenchmen who frequented it.
+
+"Wait till he's quite well, Miss," said Lanty, who waited always
+behind me.  "'Faith! when he's in health, I'd back him to ate a
+cow, barrin' the horns and teel."  I sent a decanter at the rogue's
+head, by way of answer to his impertinence.
+
+Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole
+withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot
+of prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis's interest with the Emperor
+prevailed, and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of
+prisoners, at the Colonel's hotel at the Place Vendome.  I here had
+the opportunity (an opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a
+young fellow with the accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of
+mixing with the elite of French society, and meeting with many of
+the great, the beautiful, and the brave.  Talleyrand was a frequent
+guest of the Marquis's.  His bon-mots used to keep the table in a
+roar.  Ney frequently took his chop with us; Murat, when in town,
+constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and friendly round game.
+Alas! who would have thought those two gallant heads would be so
+soon laid low?  My wife has a pair of earrings which the latter,
+who always wore them, presented to her--but we are advancing
+matters.  Anybody could see, "avec un demioeil," as the Prince of
+Benevento remarked, how affairs went between me and Blanche; but
+though she loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his
+person, the brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs upon her.
+
+I recollect it was on St. Patrick's Day.  My lovely friend had
+procured, from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison
+(whom we loved a thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a
+sandy-haired woman, between ourselves, with an odious squint), a
+quantity of shamrock wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the
+Irish in Paris were invited to the national festival.
+
+I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline
+Bonaparte and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of
+sets with Madame Recamier; and Robespierre's widow--an excellent,
+gentle creature, quite unlike her husband--stood up with the
+Austrian ambassador.  Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David
+and Nicholas Poussin, and Canova, who was in town making a statue
+of the Emperor for Leo X., and, in a word, all the celebrities of
+Paris--as my gifted countrywoman, the wild Irish girl, calls them--
+were assembled in the Marquis's elegant receiving-rooms.
+
+At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise!  La
+Gigue Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the
+Parisians ever since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it.
+She stepped forward and took me for a partner, and amidst the
+bravoes of the crowd, in which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince
+of Wagram, and the Austrian ambassador, we showed to the beau monde
+of the French capital, I flatter myself, a not unfavorable specimen
+of the dance of our country.
+
+As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the
+"rail" style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, "Be on
+your guard; I see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of
+Otranto, about us; and when Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they
+bode him no good."
+
+"Cambaceres is jealous," said I.  "I have it," says she; "I'll make
+him dance a turn with me."  So, presently, as the music was going
+like mad all this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds,
+and sat down.  The lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out
+Cambaceres as a second partner.
+
+The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give
+himself a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was
+speedily visible.  He puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops
+trickled down his purple face, while my lovely mischief of a
+Blanche went on dancing at treble quick, till she fairly danced him
+down.
+
+"Who'll take the flure with me?" said the charming girl, animated
+by the sport.
+
+"Faix, den, 'tis I, Lanty Clancy!" cried my rascal, who had been
+mad with excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and
+a hurroo, he began to dance with such rapidity as made all present
+stare.
+
+As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid
+cavalcade traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the
+Marquis's door.  A crowd appeared to mount the stair; the great
+doors of the reception-room were flung open, and two pages
+announced their Majesties the Emperor and the Empress.  So engaged
+were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard the tumult occasioned
+by the august approach.
+
+It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre
+Francais, and seeing the Marquis's windows lighted up, proposed to
+the Empress to drop in on the party.  He made signs to the
+musicians to continue: and the conqueror of Marengo and Friedland
+watched with interest the simple evolutions of two happy Irish
+people.  Even the Empress smiled and, seeing this, all the
+courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were delighted.
+
+"Is not this a great day for Ireland?" said the Marquis, with a
+tear trickling down his noble face.  "O Ireland!  O my country!
+But no more of that.  Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her
+Majesty the choice of punch or negus."
+
+Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was
+Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine
+by her former marriage with a French gentleman of good family.
+Having a smack of the old blood in him, Eugene's manners were much
+more refined than those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the
+Emperor's Court, where (for my knife and fork were regularly laid
+at the Tuileries) I have seen my poor friend Murat repeatedly
+mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the gallant Massena devour
+pease by means of his knife, in a way more innocent than graceful.
+Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at these eccentricities
+of our brave friends; who certainly did not shine in the
+drawing-room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle.
+The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and was full of
+kindness and attention.
+
+"I like Eugene," he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as
+his way was--"I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows
+as you; you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the
+camp have none.  And I like you, Philip my boy," he added, "for
+being so attentive to my poor wife--the Empress Josephine, I mean."
+All these honors made my friends at the Marquis's very proud, and
+my enemies at Court crever with envy.  Among these, the atrocious
+Cambaceres was not the least active and envenomed.
+
+The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which,
+like a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal
+amiability, soon was apparent.  Having formed a good opinion of my
+gallantry from my conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes
+during the war, the Emperor was most anxious to attach me to his
+service.  The Grand Cross of St. Louis, the title of Count, the
+command of a crack cavalry regiment, the l4me Chevaux Marins, were
+the bribes that were actually offered to me; and must I say it?
+Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one of the agents
+employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason.
+
+"Object to enter a foreign service!" she said, in reply to my
+refusal.  "It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service.  The
+Irish nation is in exile, and in the territories of its French
+allies.  Irish traitors are not here; they march alone under the
+accursed flag of the Saxon, whom the great Napoleon would have
+swept from the face of the earth, but for the fatal valor of Irish
+mercenaries!  Accept this offer, and my heart, my hand, my all are
+yours.  Refuse it, Philip, and we part."
+
+"To wed the abominable Cambaceres!" I cried, stung with rage.  "To
+wear a duchess's coronet, Blanche!  Ha, ha!  Mushrooms, instead of
+strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French
+nobility.  I shall withdraw my parole.  I demand to be sent to
+prison--to be exchanged--to die--anything rather than be a traitor,
+and the tool of a traitress!"  Taking up my hat, I left the room in
+a fury; and flinging open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was
+listening at the key-hole, and must have overheard every word of
+our conversation.
+
+We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter
+at our mutual discomfiture.  Her scorn only made me more mad; and,
+having spurs on, I began digging them into Cambaceres' fat sides as
+we rolled on the carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and
+anger.
+
+"This insult must be avenged with blood!" roared the Duke of
+Illyria.
+
+"I have already drawn it," says I, "with my spurs."
+
+"Malheur et malediction!" roared the Marshal.
+
+"Hadn't you better settle your wig?" says I, offering it to him on
+the tip of my cane, "and we'll arrange time and place when you have
+put your jasey in order."  I shall never forget the look of revenge
+which he cast at me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before
+his mistress.
+
+"Lady Blanche," I continued bitterly, "as you look to share the
+Duke's coronet, hadn't you better see to his wig?" and so saying, I
+cocked my hat, and walked out of the Marquis's place, whistling
+"Garryowen."
+
+I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him
+in the Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was
+looking at the picture-shop in the corner.  I explained to him my
+affair in a twinkling.  He at once agreed to go with me to the
+ground, and commended me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the
+offer which had been made to me.  "I knew it would be so," he said,
+kindly; "I told my father you wouldn't.  A man with the blood of
+the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn't wheel about like those fellows
+of yesterday."  So, when Cambaceres came out, which he did
+presently, with a more furious air than before, I handed him at
+once over to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and an early
+hour for the meeting to take place.
+
+"Can you make it before eleven, Phil?" said Beauharnais.  "The
+Emperor reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour,
+and we might fight there handy before the review."
+
+"Done!" said I.  "I want of all things to see the newly-arrived
+Saxon cavalry manoeuvre:" on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as
+much as to say, "See sights!  Watch cavalry manoeuvres!  Make your
+soul, and take measure for a coffin, my boy!" walked away, naming
+our mutual acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in
+the business.
+
+I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of
+Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at
+Salamanca, with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top
+of him.  Bugaboo was too much and too ugly an animal for the King
+of Naples, who, though a showy horseman, was a bad rider across
+country; and I got the horse for a song.  A wickeder and uglier
+brute never wore pig-skin; and I never put my leg over such a
+timber-jumper in my life.  I rode the horse down to the Bois de
+Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres was to come
+off, and Lanty held him as I went in, "sure to win," as they say in
+the ring.
+
+Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I,
+who am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and
+that I could wing him if I had a mind.  As soon as Ney gave the
+word, we both fired: I felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up
+my hand there, found a large piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at
+the same moment, and shrieking a horrible malediction, my adversary
+reeled and fell.
+
+"Mon Dieu, il est mort!" cried Ney.
+
+"Pas de tout," said Beauharnais.  "Ecoute; il jure toujours."
+
+And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the
+ground cursing most frightfully.  We went up to him: he was blind
+with the loss of blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of
+his nose.  He recovered; but he was always called the Prince of
+Ponterotto in the French army, afterwards.  The surgeon in
+attendance having taken charge of this unfortunate warrior, we rode
+off to the review where Ney and Eugene were on duty at the head of
+their respective divisions; and where, by the way, Cambaceres, as
+the French say, "se faisait desirer."
+
+It was arranged that Cambaceres' division of six battalions and
+nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement,
+supported by artillery in the intervals, and converging by
+different epaulements on the light infantry, that formed, as usual,
+the centre of the line.  It was by this famous manoeuvre that at
+Arcola, at Montenotte, at Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran,
+Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and General Castanos were defeated with
+such victorious slaughter: but it is a movement which, I need not
+tell every military man, requires the greatest delicacy of
+execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army into confusion.
+
+"Where is the Duke of Illyria?" Napoleon asked.  "At the head of
+his division, no doubt," said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an
+arch look, put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall
+off my horse with laughter.  Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at
+this moment the troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre
+began, and his Majesty's attention was taken off from my impudence.
+
+Milhaud's Dragoons, their bands playing "Vive Henri Quatre," their
+cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre
+from the left flank in the most brilliant order, while the
+Carbineers of Foy, and the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet
+d'Erlon, executed a carambolade on the right, with the precision
+which became those veteran troops; but the Chasseurs of the young
+guard, marching by twos instead of threes, bore consequently upon
+the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and ill-affected body), and
+then, falling back in disorder, became entangled with the artillery
+and the left centre of the line, and in one instant thirty thousand
+men were in inextricable confusion.
+
+"Clubbed, by Jabers!" roared out Lanty Clancy.  "I wish we could
+show 'em the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling."
+
+"Silence, fellow!" I exclaimed.  I never saw the face of man
+express passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of
+Napoleon.  He tore off General Milhaud's epaulettes, which he flung
+into Foy's face.  He glared about him wildly, like a demon, and
+shouted hoarsely for the Duke of Illyria.  "He is wounded, Sire,"
+said General Foy, wiping a tear from his eye, which was blackened
+by the force of the blow; "he was wounded an hour since in a duel,
+Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de Fogarty."
+
+"Wounded! a marshal of France wounded!  Where is the Englishman?
+Bring him out, and let a file of grenadiers--"
+
+"Sire!" interposed Eugene.
+
+"Let him be shot!" shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me
+with the fury of a fiend.
+
+This was too much.  "Here goes!" said I, and rode slap at him.
+
+There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and
+I should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in
+an instant.  But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had
+only wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of
+Phil Fogarty from this discharge.
+
+Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor's head, and Bugaboo went
+at it like a shot.  He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned
+quite pale as I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor,
+scarcely brushing the cockade which he wore.
+
+"Bravo!" said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap.
+
+"Cut him down!" said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic
+Cuirassier; and he made a pass at me with his sword.  But he little
+knew an Irishman on an Irish horse.  Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and
+fetched the monster a slap with his near hind hoof which sent him
+reeling from his saddle,--and away I went, with an army of a hundred
+and seventy-three thousand eight hundred men at my heels. * * * *
+
+
+
+BARBAZURE.
+
+BY G. P. R. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only
+known in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of
+Alsace, that two cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked
+eye threading one of the rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the
+mountain-land between the Marne and the Garonne.  The rosy tints of
+the declining luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which lined
+the path, through which the horsemen wound slowly; and as these
+eternal battlements with which Nature had hemmed in the ravine
+which our travellers trod, blushed with the last tints of the
+fading sunlight, the valley below was gray and darkling, and the
+hard and devious course was sombre in twilight.  A few goats,
+hardly visible among the peaks, were cropping the scanty herbage
+here and there.  The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks
+as they trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up
+plaintive echoes which moaned through those rocky and lonely
+steeps; the stars began to glimmer in the purple heavens spread
+serenely overhead and the faint crescent of the moon, which had
+peered for some time scarce visible in the azure, gleamed out more
+brilliantly at every moment, until it blazed as if in triumph at
+the sun's retreat.  'Tis a fair land that of France, a gentle, a
+green, and a beautiful; the home of arts and arms, of chivalry and
+romance, and (however sadly stained by the excesses of modern
+times) 'twas the unbought grace of nations once, and the seat of
+ancient renown and disciplined valor.
+
+And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and
+bravery is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that
+one over which our travellers wended, and which stretches between
+the good towns of Vendemiaire and Nivose.  'Tis common now to a
+hundred thousand voyagers: the English tourist, with his chariot
+and his Harvey's Sauce, and his imperials; the bustling commis-
+voyageur on the roof of the rumbling diligence; the rapid malle-
+poste thundering over the chaussee at twelve miles an hour--pass
+the ground hourly and daily now: 'twas lonely and unfrequented at
+the end of that seventeenth century with which our story commences.
+
+Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such
+their outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together.  The
+one, seemingly the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather
+in his barret-cap, and managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that
+bounded and curveted gayly.  A surcoat of peach-colored samite and
+a purfled doublet of vair bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant
+eye, his exquisitely chiselled nose, and his curling chestnut
+ringlets.
+
+Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring-
+violets; and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek--roses, alas! that
+bloom and die with life's spring!  Now bounding over a rock, now
+playfully whisking off with his riding rod a floweret in his path,
+Philibert de Coquelicot rode by his darker companion.
+
+His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed,
+that had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine.
+Thence through Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a
+city and commune, holding joust and tourney in many a castle and
+manor of Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain l'Auxerrois, the warrior
+and his charger reached the lonely spot where now we find them.
+
+The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the
+steed which bore him.  Both were caparisoned in the fullest
+trappings of feudal war.  The arblast, the mangonel, the
+demiculverin, and the cuissart of the period, glittered upon the
+neck and chest of the war-steed; while the rider, with chamfron and
+catapult, with ban and arriere-ban, morion and tumbrel, battle-axe
+and rifflard, and the other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode
+stately on his steel-clad charger, himself a tower of steel.  This
+mighty horseman was carried by his steed as lightly as the young
+springald by his Andalusian hackney.
+
+"'Twas well done of thee, Philibert," said he of the proof-armor,
+"to ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms."
+
+"Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!"
+replied the younger Cavalier.  "When I was yet a page, thou wert a
+belted knight; and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard
+grew."
+
+"I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew
+the spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta," the
+individual addressed as Romane replied.  "Well-a-day! since thy
+beard grew, boy, (and marry 'tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a
+lance with Solyman at Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin
+at Acre.  But enough of this.  Tell me of home--of our native
+valley--of my hearth, and my lady-mother, and my good chaplain--
+tell me of HER, Philibert," said the knight, executing a demivolt,
+in order to hide his emotion.
+
+Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the
+question.  "The castle stands on the rock," he said, "and the
+swallows still build in the battlements.  The good chaplain still
+chants his vespers at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song.
+The lady-mother still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin
+linsey-woolsey.  The tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as
+sorely, kinsman mine," he added with an arch look.
+
+"But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?" Romane continued.  "Since
+Lammas was a twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are
+unanswered.  The postman hath traversed our camp every day, and
+never brought me a billet.  How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?"
+
+"She is--well," Philibert replied; "her sister Anne is the fairest
+of the twain, though."
+
+"Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt.  A plague on
+sister Anne!  Speak of Fatima, Philibert--my blue-eyed Fatima!"
+
+"I say she is--well," answered his comrade gloomily.
+
+"Is she dead?  Is she ill?  Hath she the measles?  Nay, hath she
+had the small-pox, and lost her beauty?  Speak; speak, boy!" cried
+the knight, wrought to agony.
+
+"Her cheek is as red as her mother's, though the old Countess
+paints hers every day.  Her foot is as light as a sparrow's, and
+her voice as sweet as a minstrel's dulcimer; but give me nathless
+the Lady Anne," cried Philibert; "give me the peerless Lady Anne!
+As soon as ever I have won spurs, I will ride all Christendom
+through, and proclaim her the Queen of Beauty.  Ho, Lady Anne!
+Lady Anne!" and so saying--but evidently wishing to disguise some
+emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could ill brook to hear--
+the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward.
+
+But swift as was his courser's pace, that of his companion's
+enormous charger was swifter.  "Boy," said the elder, "thou hast
+ill tidings.  I know it by thy glance.  Speak: shall he who hath
+bearded grim Death in a thousand fields shame to face truth from a
+friend?  Speak, in the name of heaven and good Saint Botibol.
+Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your tidings like a man!"
+
+"Fatima is well," answered Philibert once again; "she hath had no
+measles: she lives and is still fair."
+
+"Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert?  Not false?  By
+Saint Botibol, say not false," groaned the elder warrior.
+
+"A month syne," Philibert replied, "she married the Baron de
+Barbazure."
+
+With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the
+brave knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and
+fell from his charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast
+and magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin.  The
+traveller of the present day, who wanders by the banks of the
+silvery Loire, and climbs the steep on which the magnificent
+edifice stood, can scarcely trace, among the shattered masses of
+ivy-covered masonry which lie among the lonely crags, even the
+skeleton of the proud and majestic palace stronghold of the Barons
+of Barbazure.
+
+In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately,
+and seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal
+rocks on which they stood.  The three mullets on a gules wavy
+reversed, surmounted by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known
+cognizance of the house, blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred
+banners, surmounting as many towers.  The long lines of
+battlemented walls spread down the mountain to the Loire, and were
+defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men.  Four hundred
+knights and six times as many archers fought round the banner of
+Barbazure at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour.  For his services
+at Fontenoy against the English, the heroic Charles Martel
+appointed the fourteenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the
+kingdom of France; and for wealth, and for splendor, and for skill
+and fame in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no-wise
+inferior to his noble ancestors.
+
+That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the
+shore; that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a
+neighbor, or drew the fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy's
+castle with the wife and children within;--these were points for
+which the country knew and respected the stout Baron.  When he
+returned from victory, he was sure to endow the Church with a part
+of his spoil, so that when he went forth to battle he was always
+accompanied by her blessing.  Thus lived the Baron Raoul, the pride
+of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the Court, the
+Church, and his neighbors.
+
+But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic
+grief which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure.  His lovely
+ladies died one after the other.  No sooner was he married than he
+was a widower; in the course of eighteen years no less than nine
+bereavements had befallen the chieftain.  So true it is, that if
+fortune is a parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall
+of the great and wealthy as it does the humbler tenements of the
+poor.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover," said the Lady
+of Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, "and think how
+the noble Barbazure loves thee!  Of all the damsels at the ball
+last night, he had eyes for thee and thy cousin only."
+
+"I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!" the
+admirable Fatima exclaimed, bridling up.  "Not that I care for my
+Lord of Barbazure's looks.  MY heart, dearest mother, is with him
+who is far away!"
+
+"He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty-
+three corantoes, I think, child," the mother said, eluding her
+daughter's remark.
+
+"Twenty-five," said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to
+the ground.  "Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!"
+
+"He had not the court air," the mother suggested.
+
+"I don't wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure's
+dancing, mamma," Fatima replied.  "For a short, lusty man, 'tis
+wondrous how active he is; and in dignity the King's Grace himself
+could not surpass him."
+
+"You were the noblest couple in the room, love," the lady cried.
+
+"That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich
+plumes, blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink
+shoon, became the noble baron wondrous well," Fatima acknowledged.
+"It must be confessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the
+agility of youth.  But alas, madam!  The noble baron hath had nine
+wives already."
+
+"And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth," the
+mother replied.
+
+"My cousin give her eyes!" Fatima exclaimed.  "It's not much, I'm
+sure, for she squints abominably."  And thus the ladies prattled,
+as they rode home at night after the great ball at the house of the
+Baron of Barbazure.
+
+The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand
+the doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the
+well-nurtured English maiden will participate in the divided
+feelings which rent her bosom.  'Tis true, that on his departure
+for the holy wars, Romane and Fatima were plighted to each other;
+but the folly of long engagements is proverbial; and though for
+many months the faithful and affectionate girl had looked in vain
+for news from him, her admirable parents had long spoken with
+repugnance of a match which must bring inevitable poverty to both
+parties.  They had suffered, 'tis true, the engagement to subside,
+hostile as they ever were to it; but when on the death of the ninth
+lady of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked Fatima at the funeral,
+and rode home with her after the ceremony, her prudent parents saw
+how much wiser, better, happier for their child it would be to have
+for life a partner like the baron, than to wait the doubtful return
+of the penniless wanderer to whom she was plighted.
+
+Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how
+true to duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly
+angel, a well-bred woman of genteel family!  Instead of indulging
+in splenetic refusals or vain regrets for her absent lover, the
+exemplary Fatima at once signified to her excellent parents her
+willingness to obey their orders; though she had sorrows (and she
+declared them to be tremendous), the admirable being disguised them
+so well, that none knew they oppressed her.  She said she would try
+to forget former ties, and (so strong in her mind was DUTY above
+every other feeling!--so strong may it be in every British maiden!)
+the lovely girl kept her promise.  "My former engagements," she
+said, packing up Romane's letters and presents, (which, as the good
+knight was mortal poor, were in sooth of no great price)--"my
+former engagements I look upon as childish follies;--my affections
+are fixed where my dear parents graft them--on the noble, the
+princely, the polite Barbazure.  'Tis true he is not comely in
+feature, but the chaste and well-bred female knows how to despise
+the fleeting charms of form.  'Tis true he is old; but can woman be
+better employed than in tending her aged and sickly companion?
+That he has been married is likewise certain--but ah, my mother!
+who knows not that he must be a good and tender husband, who, nine
+times wedded, owns that, he cannot be happy without another
+partner?"
+
+It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed
+obedience to her parents' will, and consented to receive the
+magnificent marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant
+bridegroom.
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts
+to see her hapless daughter.  Ever, when she came, the porters
+grinned at her savagely through the grating of the portcullis of
+the vast embattled gate of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade
+her begone.  "The Lady of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor,
+and keeps her chamber," was the invariable reply of the dogged
+functionaries to the entreaties of the agonized mother.  And at
+length, so furious was he at her perpetual calls at his gate, that
+the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced to be at the
+postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the crupper
+of the lady's palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and in
+terror.  "I will aim at the rider next time!" howled the ferocious
+baron, "and not at the horse!"  And those who knew his savage
+nature and his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would
+neither break his knightly promise nor miss his aim.
+
+Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous
+passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were
+present at the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure's
+heart was changed towards his gentle and virtuous lady.
+
+For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted
+Baron of Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who
+entered.  His lance bore everything down before it.  The most
+famous champions of Europe, assembled at these joustings, had
+dropped, one by one, before this tremendous warrior.  The prize of
+the tourney was destined to be his, and he was to be proclaimed
+bravest of the brave, as his lady was the fairest of the fair.
+
+On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the
+Vosges, and the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the
+warrior had obtained such triumphs;--after having overcome two
+hundred and thirteen knights of different nations, including the
+fiery Dunois, the intrepid Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and
+the undaunted Dugueselin, as the conqueror sat still erect on his
+charger, and the multitudes doubted whether ever another champion
+could be found to face him, three blasts of a trumpet were heard,
+faint at first, but at every moment ringing more clearly, until a
+knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his visor down, and
+riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the admiration
+of all present.
+
+The heralds asked him his name and quality.
+
+"Call me," said he, in a hollow voice, "the Jilted Knight."  What
+was it made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents.
+
+The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the
+companion who rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de
+Coquelicot, who was known and respected universally through the
+neighborhood, gave a warranty for the birth and noble degree of the
+Jilted Knight--and Raoul de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two-
+hundred-and-fourteenth lance, shook the huge weapon in the air as
+though it were a reed, and prepared to encounter the intruder.
+
+According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the
+spear from harm, the top of the unknown knight's lance was shielded
+with a bung, which the warrior removed; and galloping up to
+Barbazure's pavilion, over which his shield hung, touched that
+noble cognizance with the sharpened steel.  A thrill of excitement
+ran through the assembly at this daring challenge to a combat a
+l'outrance.  "Hast thou confessed, Sir Knight?" roared the
+Barbazure; "take thy ground, and look to thyself; for by heaven
+thy last hour is come!"  "Poor youth, poor youth!" sighed the
+spectators; "he has called down his own fate."  The next minute the
+signal was given, and as the simoom across the desert, the cataract
+down the rock, the shell from the howitzer, each warrior rushed
+from his goal.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?" said the Grand Duke, as at
+the end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over
+his prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at
+length unhorsed, and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate
+and ferocity on his conqueror.
+
+"Take thy life," said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight;
+"thou hast taken all that was dear to me."  And the sun setting,
+and no other warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was
+proclaimed the conqueror, and rode up to the duchess's balcony to
+receive the gold chain which was the reward of the victor.  He
+raised his visor as the smiling princess guerdoned him--raised it,
+and gave ONE sad look towards the Lady Fatima at her side!
+
+"Romane de Clos-Vougeot!" shrieked she, and fainted.  The Baron of
+Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his
+wound, and by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused
+fury, he swore revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the
+tourney as a queen, returned to her castle as a prisoner.
+
+(As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel,
+let it suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a
+half, in which the descriptions of scenery, the account of the
+agonies of the baroness, kept on bread and water in her dungeon,
+and the general tone of morality, are all excellently worked out,
+the Baron de Barbazure resolves upon putting his wife to death by
+the hands of the public executioner.)
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on
+the platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony
+of mid-day.
+
+The block was laid forth--the hideous minister of vengeance, masked
+and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready.  The
+baron tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the
+dreadful swordsman if his hand was sure?  A nod was the reply of
+the man of blood.  The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and
+shrank from him.  There was not one there but loved and pitied the
+gentle lady.
+
+Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon.  To all
+her lord's savage interrogatories, her reply had been, "I am
+innocent."  To his threats of death, her answer was, "You are my
+lord; my life is in your hands, to take or to give."  How few are
+the wives, in our day, who show such angelic meekness!  It touched
+all hearts around her, save that of the implacable Barbazure!  Even
+the Lady Blanche, (Fatima's cousin), whom he had promised to marry
+upon his faithless wife's demise, besought for her kinswoman's
+life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her death.
+
+"Is there no pity, sir?" asked the chaplain who had attended her.
+
+"No pity?" echoed the weeping serving-maid.
+
+"Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?" said the gentle lady,
+and placed herself at the block.
+
+Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven
+hair.  "Now!" shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his
+foot--"Now strike!"
+
+The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself
+to deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air,
+with one irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head
+of the furious, the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure!
+
+Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the
+Lady Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his
+mask, knelt gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well-
+known features of Romane de Clos-Vougeot.
+
+
+
+LORDS AND LIVERIES.
+
+BY THE AUTHORESS OF "DUKES AND DEJEUNERS," "HEARTS AND DIAMONDS,"
+"MARCHIONESSES AND MILLINERS," ETC. ETC.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+"CORBLEU!  What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box
+to-night," said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning
+over the velvet-cushioned balconies of the "Coventry Club," smoking
+their full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson's) after the opera.
+
+Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips
+of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire
+anything except a coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a
+supreme de cochon en torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion,
+the chef of the "Traveller's," only knows how to dress; or the
+bouquet of a flask of Medoc, of Carbonell's best quality; or a
+goutte of Marasquin, from the cellars of Briggs and Hobson.
+
+Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon
+of Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like
+too many of our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in
+his twenty-fourth year.  Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent
+principles (who had imbued his young mind with that Morality which
+is so superior to all the vain pomps of the world!) it had not been
+always the young earl's lot to wear the coronet for which he now in
+sooth cared so little.  His father, a captain of Britain's navy,
+struck down by the side of the gallant Collingwood in the Bay of
+Fundy, left little but his sword and spotless name to his young,
+lovely, and inconsolable widow, who passed the first years of her
+mourning in educating her child in an elegant though small cottage
+in one of the romantic marine villages of beautiful Devonshire.
+Her child!  What a gush of consolation filled the widow's heart as
+she pressed him to it!  How faithfully did she instil into his
+young bosom those principles which had been the pole-star of the
+existence of his gallant father!
+
+In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found
+the widow and her boy.  The seventeenth Earl--gallant and ardent,
+and in the prime of youth--went forth one day from the Eternal City
+to a steeple-chase in the Campagna.  A mutilated corpse was brought
+back to his hotel in the Piazza di Spagna.  Death, alas! is no
+respecter of the Nobility.  That shattered form was all that
+remained of the fiery, the haughty, the wild, but the generous
+Altamont de Pentonville!  Such, such is fate!
+
+The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother's
+solicitude at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly
+descended on her boy.  She engaged an excellent clergyman of the
+Church of England to superintend his studies; to accompany him on
+foreign travel when the proper season arrived; to ward from him
+those dangers which dissipation always throws in the way of the
+noble, the idle, and the wealthy.  But the Reverend Cyril Delaval
+died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth the young Earl of
+Bagnigge was without a guardian.
+
+What was the consequence?  That, at three-and-twenty, he was a
+cynic and an epicure.  He had drained the cup of pleasure till it
+had palled in his unnerved hand.  He had looked at the Pyramids
+without awe, at the Alps without reverence.  He was unmoved by the
+sandy solitudes of the Desert as by the placid depths of
+Mediterranean's sea of blue.  Bitter, bitter tears did Emily de
+Pentonville weep, when, on Alured's return from the Continent, she
+beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in her
+beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy!
+
+"Corpo di Bacco," he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the
+red nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore's coachman--who, having
+deposited her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the
+carriage to the stables, before commencing his evening at the
+"Fortune of War" public-house--"what a lovely creature that was!
+What eyes! what hair!  Who knows her?  Do you, mon cher prince?"
+
+"E bellissima, certamente," said the Duca de Montepulciano, and
+stroked down his jetty moustache.
+
+"Ein gar schones Madchen," said the Hereditary Grand Duke of
+Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one.
+
+"Elle n'est pas mal, ma foi!" said the Prince de Borodino, with a
+scowl on his darkling brows.  "Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont
+mauvais!" he added as he too cast away his Cuba.
+
+"Try one of my Pickwicks," said Franklin Fox, with a sneer,
+offering his gold etui to the young Frenchman; "they are some of
+Pontet's best, Prince.  What, do you bear malice?  Come, let us be
+friends," said the gay and careless young patrician; but a scowl on
+the part of the Frenchman was the only reply.
+
+"Want to know who she is?  Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge,"
+the wag went on.
+
+Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized.
+The Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom
+Protocol of the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh,
+Poldoody, and the rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager
+than any one present.
+
+"No, he will tell you nothing about her.  Don't you see he has gone
+off in a fury!" Franklin Fox continued.  "He has his reasons, ce
+cher prince: he will tell you nothing; but I will.  You know that I
+am au mieux with the dear old duchess."
+
+"They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke's death," cried
+Poldoody.
+
+"I always thought Fwank was the duke's illicit gweatgwandson,"
+drawled out De Boots.
+
+"I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs
+from Paris," cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are
+known in every diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo.
+
+"Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!" said Bagnigge.  "Tell me about
+this girl, Franklin Fox."
+
+"In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring
+fence in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa
+at Richmond, a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand
+a year in the three-per-cents."
+
+"Apres?" said Bagnigge, still yawning.
+
+"Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour.  They are cousins, her mother
+was an Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father,
+married another sister.  I believe he was footman in the family,
+before Napoleon princified him."
+
+"No, no, he was second coachman," Tom Protocol good-naturedly
+interposed--"a cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man."
+
+"'Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one's, I mean)
+when he found me in the duchess's room this evening, tete-a-tete
+with the heiress, who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand."
+
+"It cost me three guineas," poor Frank said, with a shrug and a
+sigh, "and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she
+took the flowers;--eh, Bagnigge?"
+
+"And flung them to Alboni," the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer.
+And poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had.
+
+The maitre d'hotel here announced that supper was served.  It was
+remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on
+Bagnigge that night.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the
+court of the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was
+such as has seldom been created by the appearance of any other
+beauty.  The men were raving with love, and the women with
+jealousy.  Her eyes, her beauty, her wit, her grace, her ton,
+caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy.
+
+Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace's
+daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the
+heiress's regal beauty quite flung her cousins' simple charms into
+the shade, and blazed with a splendor which caused all "minor
+lights" to twinkle faintly.  Before a day the beau-monde, before a
+week even the vulgarians of the rest of the town, rang with the
+fame of her charms; and while the dandies and the beauties were
+raving about her, or tearing her to pieces in May Fair, even Mrs.
+Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the "Hoperer" in a green turban
+and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great HAIRESS to her
+D. in Bloomsbury Square.
+
+Crowds went to Squab and Lynch's, in Long Acre, to examine the
+carriages building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so
+odiously unostentatious and provokingly simple!  Besides the
+ancestral services of argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in
+a hundred and seventy-six plate-chests at Messrs. Childs', Rumble
+and Briggs prepared a gold service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket,
+a service of the Benvenuto Cellini pattern, which were the
+admiration of all London.  Before a month it is a fact that the
+wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the blue stocks, called
+"Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:" long before that, the
+monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline's, or sent couriers to Madame
+Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of her dresses; but, as the
+Mantuan bard observes, "Non cuivis contigit,"--every foot cannot
+accommodate itself to the chaussure of Cinderella.
+
+With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these
+cheers following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst
+happy?  Ah, no!  It is not under the necklace the most brilliant
+that Briggs and Rumble can supply, it is not in Lynch's best
+cushioned chariot that the heart is most at ease.  "Que je me
+ruinerai," says Fronsac in a letter to Bossuet, "si je savais ou
+acheter le bonheur!"
+
+With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was wretched--
+wretched, because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart had
+nothing to cling to.  Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male
+person even entered it, except Franklin Fox, (who counted for
+nothing,) and the duchess's family, her kinsman old Lord
+Humpington, his friend old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the
+odious, odious Borodino.
+
+The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to
+him.  Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such
+an opportunity to refaire sa fortune.  He gave out that he would
+kill any man who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster
+kept his word.  Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen
+by his hand at Ostend.  The O'Toole, who had met her on the Rhine,
+had received a ball in his shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care
+to resume so dangerous a courtship.  Borodino could snuff a bougie
+at a hundred and fifty yards.  He could beat Bertrand or Alexander
+Dumas himself with the small-sword: he was the dragon that watched
+this pomme d'or, and very few persons were now inclined to face a
+champion si redoutable.
+
+Over a salmi d'escargot at the "Coventry," the dandies whom we
+introduced in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the
+heiress; and her story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge,
+who, for a wonder, was interested in the tale.  Borodino's
+pretensions were discussed, and the way in which the fair Amethyst
+was confined.  Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave Square, is--as
+everybody knows--the next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst.  A
+communication was made between the two houses.  She never went out
+except accompanied by the duchess's guard, which it was impossible
+to overcome.
+
+"Impossible!  Nothing's impossible," said Lord Bagnigge.
+
+"I bet you what you like you don't get in," said the young Marquis
+of Martingale.
+
+"I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress's house
+before the season's over," Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and
+the bet was registered with shouts of applause.
+
+But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge,
+for the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him;
+he was carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a
+dislocated shoulder; and the doctor's bulletins pronounced him to
+be in the most dangerous state.
+
+
+Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding
+by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage.  A fortnight after the above events,
+his lordship was prancing by her Grace's great family coach, and
+chattering with Lady Gwinever about the strange wager.
+
+"Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?" he asked.  Her
+ladyship said yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican;
+and stared when Lord Martingale announced that he should soon have
+a thousand ponies, worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were
+all now kept at Coutts's.  Then he explained the circumstances of
+the bet with Bagnigge.  Parliament was to adjourn in ten days; the
+season would be over!  Bagnigge was lying ill chez lui; and the
+five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his.  And he vowed he
+would buy Lord Binnacle's yacht--crew, captain, guns and all.
+
+On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore's, Martingale
+found among the many billets upon the gold plateau in his
+antichambre, the following brief one, which made him start--
+
+
+"DEAR MARTINGALE.--Don't be too sure of Binnacle's yacht.  There
+are still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie
+at Coutts's for some time to come.
+
+"Yours,
+
+"BAGNIGGE.
+
+"P. S.--I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered
+up from that confounded fall."
+
+
+III.
+
+
+The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John,
+cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did
+not take powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under-
+butler, who reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned
+his name with praise to the house-steward.  He was so good-looking
+and well-spoken a young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper's
+room deigned to notice him more than once; nor was his popularity
+diminished on account of a quarrel in which he engaged with
+Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon chasseur, who was one day
+found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited on Amethyst's own maid.
+The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames entering the Servants'
+Hall, where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in "aggravating" her, Miss
+Flouncy screamed: at the next moment the Belgian giant lay
+sprawling upon the carpet; and Jeames, standing over him, assumed
+so terrible a look, that the chasseur declined any further combat.
+The victory was made known to the house-steward himself, who, being
+a little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames on
+his valor, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own room.
+
+Who was Jeames?  He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people.
+He had lived, he said, in that family two years.  "But where there
+was no ladies," he said, "a gentleman's hand was spiled for
+service;" and Jeames's was a very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy
+admired it very much, and of course he did not defile it by menial
+service: he had in a young man who called him sir, and did all the
+coarse work; and Jeames read the morning paper to the ladies; not
+spellingly and with hesitation, as many gentlemen do, but easily
+and elegantly, speaking off the longest words without a moment's
+difficulty.  He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy found, who
+was studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de
+confiance; for when she said to him, "Polly voo Fransy, Munseer
+Jeames?" he replied readily, "We, Mademaselle, j'ay passay boco de
+tong a Parry.  Commong voo potty voo?"  How Miss Flouncy admired
+him as he stood before her, the day after he had saved Miss
+Amethyst when the horses had run away with her in the Park!
+
+Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy!  Jeames had been but a week in
+Amethyst's service, and already the gentle heart of the washing-
+girl was irrecoverably gone!  Poor Flouncy!  Poor Flouncy! he
+thought not of thee.
+
+It happened thus.  Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her
+cousin the prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into
+the Park simply with her companion, who had charge of her little
+Fido, the dearest little spaniel in the world.  Jeames and
+Frederick were behind the carriage with their long sticks and neat
+dark liveries; the horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the
+coachman a late lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole ring could
+not boast a more elegant turn-out.
+
+The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine.
+It may have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish
+ambassador which frightened the prince's grays, or Mrs. Champignon's
+new yellow liveries, which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous
+Lady Gorgon's preternatural ugliness, who passed in a low
+pony-carriage at the time, or the prince's own want of skill,
+finally; but certain it is that the horses took fright, dashed
+wildly along the mile, scattered equipages, pietons, dandies' cabs,
+and snobs' pheaytons.  Amethyst was screaming; and the prince,
+deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind, as the curricle came
+rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst's carriage stood.
+
+"I'm blest," Frederick exclaimed to his companion, "if it ain't the
+prince a-drivin our missis!  They'll be in the Serpingtine, or
+dashed to pieces, if they don't mind."  And the runaway steeds at
+this instant came upon them as a whirlwind.
+
+But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter.
+To jump from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle,
+to jump into it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used
+as a leaping-pole, and to seize the reins out of the hands of the
+miserable Borodino, who shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet
+leapt on his toes and into his seat, was the work of an instant.
+In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush of the horses was reduced to
+a swift but steady gallop; presently into a canter, then a trot;
+until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling, but quite
+quiet, by the side of Amethyst's carriage, which came up at a rapid
+pace.
+
+"Give me the reins, malappris! tu m'ecrases le corps, manant!"
+yelled the frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid
+charioteer.
+
+"Tant pis pour toi, nigaud," was the reply.  The lovely Amethyst of
+course had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her
+carriage, and rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile.
+
+The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the
+latter--a liveried menial--stoop gracefully forward and kiss
+Amethyst's hand, may be imagined rather than described.  But Jeames
+heeded not his curses.  Having placed his adored mistress in the
+carriage, he calmly resumed his station behind.  Passion or danger
+seemed to have no impression upon that pale marble face.
+
+Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on
+coming to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the
+Frangipane best style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la
+bisque aux ecrevisses, the clumsy attendant who served him let fall
+the assiette of vermeille cisele, with its scalding contents, over
+the prince's chin, his Mechlin jabot, and the grand cordon of the
+Legion of honor which he wore.
+
+"Infame," howled Borodino, "tu l'as fait expres!"
+
+"Oui, je l'ai fait expres," said the man, with the most perfect
+Parisian accent.  It was Jeames.
+
+Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after
+the morning's service, and he was chassed on the spot.  He had been
+but a week in the house.
+
+The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may
+possibly elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:--
+
+"Singular Wager.--One night, at the end of last season, the young
+and eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand
+pounds with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of
+M-rt-ng-le, that he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated
+and lovely young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from
+B-lgr-ve Squ-re.  The bet having been made, the earl pretended an
+illness, and having taken lessons from one of his lordship's own
+footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose name he also borrowed) in 'the
+MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,' actually succeeded in making an entry
+into Miss P-ml-co's mansion, where he stopped one week exactly;
+having time to win his bet, and to save the life of the lady, whom
+we hear he is about to lead to the altar.  He disarmed the Prince
+of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands--and, it is said,
+appeared at the C---- club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a cloak,
+and displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager."
+
+Such, indeed, were the circumstances.  The young couple have not
+more than nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully,
+and manage to do good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her
+daughter-in-law and her little grandchildren, is blest in seeing
+her darling son enfin un homme range.
+
+
+
+CRINOLINE.
+
+BY JE-MES PL-SH, ESQ.
+
+
+I.
+
+
+I'm not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the
+igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd
+paytrons of letarature and true connyshures of merrit--the great
+Brittish public--But I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of
+rewmantic love, absobbing pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is,
+in the main fax, TREW.  The suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the
+rain of our presnt Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil
+Concert Prince Halbert.
+
+Welthen.  Some time in the seazen of 18-- (mor I dar not rewheel)
+there arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and
+Dover Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall
+danomminate Munseer Jools De Chacabac.
+
+Having read through "The Vicker of Wackfield" in the same oridganal
+English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and
+halways been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for
+his aytred and orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was
+considered by the prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote,
+at Parris, the very man to come to this country, igsamin its
+manners and customs, cast an i upon the politticle and finalshle
+stat of the Hempire, and igspose the mackynations of the infyamous
+Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir Pill--both enemies of France;
+as is every other Britten of that great, gloarus, libberal, and
+peasable country.  In one word, Jools de Chacabac was a penny-a-
+liner.
+
+"I will go see with my own I's," he said, "that infimus hiland of
+which the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and
+treason.  I will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the
+pisoners of the Chynese, the villians who put the Hemperor to death
+in Saintyleany, the artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with
+their cotton, and can't sleep or rest heasy for henvy and hatred of
+the great inwinsable French nation.  I will igsammin, face to face,
+these hotty insularies; I will pennytrate into the secrets of their
+Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard Palmerston in his denn."  When
+he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having been tremenguously sick
+in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, "Enfin je te tiens, Ile maudite!
+je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre!  Je te foule a mes
+pieds an nom du monde outrage," and so proseaded to inwade the
+metropulus.
+
+As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the
+best of infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went
+and lodgd in Lester Square--Lester Squarr, as he calls it--which,
+as he was infommed in the printed suckular presented to him by a
+very greasy but polite comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the
+scenter of the town, contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the
+prinsple theayters, the parx, St. Jams Pallice, and the Corts of
+Lor.  "I can surwhey them all at one cut of the eye," Jools
+thought; "the Sovring, the infamus Ministers plotting the
+destruction of my immortial country; the business and pleasure of
+these pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and see
+all."  So he took a three-pair back in a French hotel, the "Hotel
+de l'Ail," kep by Monsieur Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester
+Squarr, London.
+
+In this otell there's a billiard-room on the first floor, and a
+tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o'clock; and the landlord,
+who kem into Jools's room smoaking a segar, told the young gent
+that the house was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who
+reglar took their dinners there.  "They can't ebide their own
+quiseen," he said.  "You'll see what a dinner we'll serve you to-
+day."  Jools wrote off to his paper--
+
+"The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like
+all the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the
+indulgence of their luxuries.  The nobles of England, quitting
+their homes, their wives, miladies and mistriss, so fair but so
+cold, dine universally at the tavern.  That from which I write is
+frequented by Peel and Palmerston.  I fremis to think that I may
+meet them at the board to-day."
+
+Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn't dine at the "Hotel de
+l'Ail" on that evening.  "It's quite igstronnary they don't come,"
+said Munseer de l'Ail.
+
+"Peraps they're ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de
+cock," Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was
+very likely.
+
+Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of
+every nation under the sun.  Most of the noblemen were great
+hamatures of hale and porter.  The tablecloth was marked over with
+brown suckles, made by the pewter-pots on that and the previous
+days.
+
+"It is the usage here," wrote Jools to his newspaper, "among the
+Anglais of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and
+porter during their meals.  These stupefying, but cheap, and not
+unpalatable liquors are served in shining pewter vessels.  A mug of
+foaming hafanaf (so a certain sort of beer is called) was placed by
+the side of most of the convives.  I was disappointed of seeing Sir
+Peel: he was engaged to a combat of cocks which occurs at Windsor."
+
+Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when
+the gentlemen said "Garsong de l'afanaf," but Jool was very much
+pleased to meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their
+opinion about the reel state of thinx.  Was it likely that the
+bishops were to be turned out of the Chambre des Communes?  Was it
+true that Lor Palmerston had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the House
+of Lords, until they were sepparayted by the Lor Maire?  Who was
+the Lor Maire?  Wasn't he Premier Minister? and wasn't the
+Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker?  He got answers to these
+questions from the various gents round about during the dinner--
+which, he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only
+dirtier.  And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his
+newspaper.
+
+"The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre.  His Grace
+has his dwelling in the City.  The Archbishop of Cantabery is not
+turned Quaker, as some people stated.  Quakers may not marry, nor
+sit in the Chamber of Peers.  The minor bishops have seats in
+the House of Commons, where they are attacked by the bitter
+pleasantries of Lord Brougham.  A boxer is in the house; he taught
+Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who conferred upon him the
+seat," &c. &c.
+
+His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two
+Poles, a Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen.  This being done
+amidst more hafanaf, without which nothink is done in England, and
+as there was no French play that night, he & the two French gents
+walked round and round Lester Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of
+other French gents who were smoaking 2.  And they talked about the
+granjer of France and the perfidgusness of England, and looked at
+the aluminated pictur of Madame Wharton as Haryadney till bedtime.
+But befor he slep, he finished his letter you may be sure, and
+called it his "Fust Imprestiuns of Anglyterre."
+
+"Mind and wake me early," he said to Boots, the ony Brittish
+subject in the "Hotel de l'Ail," and who therefore didn't
+understand him.  "I wish to be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE
+MEN SELL THEIR WIVES."  And the young roag fell asleep, thinking
+what sort of a one he'd buy.
+
+This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about
+Hengland and the Henglish--walking round and round Lester Squarr
+all day, and every day with the same company, occasionally
+dewussified by an Oprer Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every
+afternoon in the Quadrant admiring the genteal sosiaty there.
+Munseer Jools was not over well funnisht with pocket-money, and so
+his pleasure was of the gratis sort cheafly.
+
+Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the
+aristoxy under the Quadrant--they were struck all of a heap by
+seeing--  But, stop! who WAS Jools's friend?  Here you have
+pictures of both--but the Istory of Jools's friend must be kep for
+another innings.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools
+de Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London--not fur, I say,
+from Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping's
+Buildings, leading to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin's
+Lane.  You know Pipping's Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am
+and beefouce (where Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty
+of the carver a-cuttin the varous jints), and by the little
+fishmungur's, where you remark the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown
+picklesammon, the playbills, and the gingybear bottles in the
+window--above all, by the "Constantinople" Divan, kep by the Misses
+Mordeky, and well known to every lover of "a prime sigaw and an
+exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d."
+
+The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of
+Lester Squar.  I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping's
+Buildings without seeing a haf a duzen of 'em on the threshole of
+the extablishment, giving the street an oppertunity of testing the
+odar of the Misses Mordeky's prime Avannas.  Two or three mor may
+be visable inside, settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging
+in their fav'rit whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe
+Manilly, or the flagrant and arheumatic Qby.
+
+"These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of
+the young Henglish nobillaty.  It is ear a young Pier, after an
+arjus day at the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of
+gin-and-water (the national beveridge), with cheerful conversation
+on the ewents of the day, or with an armless gaym of baggytell in
+the back-parlor."
+
+So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam;
+and of this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of
+this "Constantinople" Divan, he became almost as reglar a
+frequenter as the plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey
+between the two blue coffee-cups in the winder.
+
+I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the
+Diwann, listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland,
+and boastin of their own immortial country.  How they did go on
+about Wellintun, and what an arty contamp they ad for him!--how
+they used to prove that France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the
+Igsample and hadmiration of the whole world!  And though I scarcely
+take a French paper now-a-days (I lived in early days as groom in a
+French famly three years, and therefore knows the languidg),
+though, I say, you can't take up Jools's paper, the Orriflam,
+without readin that a minister has committed bribery and perjury,
+or that a littery man has committed perjury and murder, or that a
+Duke has stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some story equally
+horrible; yet for all that it's admiral to see how the French gents
+will swagger--how they will be the scenters of civilization--how
+they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and nothink shall prevent 'em--
+knowing they will have it, I say I listen, smokin my pip in
+silence.  But to our tail.
+
+Reglar every evening there came to the "Constantanople" a young
+gent etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the
+cleanlyness of his appearants and linning (which was generally a
+pink or blew shurt, with a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a
+contrast to the dinjy and whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann.  As for
+wiskars, this young mann had none beyond a little yallow tought to
+his chin, which you woodn notas, only he was always pulling at it.
+His statue was diminnative, but his coschume supubb, for he had the
+tippiest Jane boots, the ivoryheadest canes, the most gawjus
+scarlick Jonville ties, and the most Scotch-plaidest trowseys, of
+any customer of that establishment.  He was univusaly called
+Milord.
+
+"Que est ce jeune seigneur?  Who is this young hurl who comes
+knightly to the 'Constantanople,' who is so proddigl of his gold
+(for indeed the young gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to
+the company), and who drinks so much gin?" asked Munseer Chacabac
+of a friend from the "Hotel de l'Ail."
+
+"His name is Lord Yardham," answered that friend.  "He never comes
+here but at night--and why?"
+
+"Y?" igsclaimed Jools, istonisht.
+
+"Why? because he is engaygd all day--and do you know where he is
+engaygd all day?"
+
+"Where?" asked Jools.
+
+"At the Foring Office--NOW do you begin to understand?"--Jools
+trembled.
+
+He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.--"Who IS the head
+of that offis?--Palmerston."
+
+"The nephew of Palmerston!" said Jools, almost in a fit.
+
+"Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French," the other went on.  "He
+pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo.  Shallow
+humbug!--I have marked him during our conversations.--When we have
+spoken of the glory of France among the nations, I have seen his
+eye kindle, and his perfidious lip curl with rage.  When they have
+discussed before him, the Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and
+Raggybritchovich has shown us the next Circassian Campaign, or
+Sapousne has laid hare the plan of the Calabrian patriots for the
+next insurrection, I have marked this stranger--this Lor Yardham.
+He smokes, 'tis to conceal his countenance; he drinks gin, 'tis to
+hide his face in the goblet.  And be sure, he carries every word of
+our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his uncle."
+
+"I will beard him in his den," thought Jools.  "I will meet him
+corps-a-corps--the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his
+nephew, and I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier."
+
+When Lor Yardham came to the "Constantanople" that night, Jools i'd
+him savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the
+same.  It wasn't much for either to do--neyther being more than 4
+foot ten hi--Jools was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal
+Gard, and was as brayv as a lion.
+
+"Ah, l'Angleterre, l'Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche," said
+Jools, crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham.
+
+"Wee," said Lord Yardham; "wee."
+
+"Delenda est Carthago!" howled out Jools.
+
+"Oh, wee," said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas
+of ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, "A voternsanty,
+Munseer:" and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools.
+
+A light broak on Jools's mind as he igsepted the refreshmint.
+"Sapoase," he said, "instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the
+infamous Palmerston, I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump
+him--suppose I unveil his schemes and send them to my paper?  La
+France may hear the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of
+honor may glitter on my bosom."
+
+So axepting Lord Yardham's cortasy, he returned it by ordering
+another glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on
+the counter, where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night.
+To everything he said, the Earl of Yardham answered, "Wee, wee;"
+except at the end of the evening, when he squeeged his & and said,
+"Bong swore."
+
+"There's nothing like goin amongst 'em to equire the reel
+pronounciation," his lordship said, as he let himself into his
+lodgings with his latch-key.  "That was a very eloquent young gent
+at the 'Constantinople,' and I'll patronize him."
+
+"Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!" Jools remarked to himself as he
+went to bed in his "Hotel de l'Ail."  And they met the next night,
+and from that heavning the young men were continyually together.
+
+Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking,
+and Lord Yardham saying, "Wee, wee," they were struck all of a heap
+by seeing--
+
+But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the
+nex number.
+
+
+III.
+
+THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO.
+
+
+The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum
+of Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind
+would say) never chaumed his i's within a site more lovely, or vu'd
+a pallis more magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the
+Eroing of this Trew Tale.  Phansy a country through whose werdant
+planes the selvery Garonne wines, like--like a benevvolent sarpent.
+In its plasid busum antient cassles, picturask willidges, and
+waving woods are reflected.  Purple hills, crownd with inteak
+ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle greenwoods; wight farm
+ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from which the appy and
+peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden waving cornfealds,
+and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are graysinn; while
+the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the leisure
+mominx on his loot--these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the rurial
+felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de Viddlers
+were bawn.
+
+Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor
+and of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the
+Eflant and Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand
+Chamberleng of the Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c.
+&c. &c.--is the twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the
+Tittle; is disended lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as
+antient a paddygree as any which the Ollywell Street frends of the
+Member of Buckinumsheer can supply.
+
+His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon,
+quitted this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her
+lord with the two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in
+whomb, after the loss of that angle his wife, the disconslit
+widderer found his only jy on huth.  In all his emusemints they
+ecumpanied him; their edjacation was his sole bisniss; he atcheaved
+it with the assistnce of the ugliest and most lernid masters, and
+the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which money could
+procure.  R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these Budds,
+which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming
+flagrance round his pirentle Busm!
+
+The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and
+his lovely hoffsprig.  Not one villidge in their naybrood but was
+edawned by their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern't
+rendered appy.  It was a pattern pheasantry.  All the old men in
+the districk were wertuous & tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled
+drab shoes, and beautiful snowy air.  All the old women had peaked
+ats, and crooked cains, and chince gowns tucked into the pockits of
+their quiltid petticoats; they sat in pictarask porches, pretendin
+to spinn, while the lads and lassis of the villidges danst under
+the hellums.  O, tis a noble sight to whitniss that of an appy
+pheasantry!  Not one of those rustic wassals of the Ouse of
+Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his shirt-sheaves tied up with
+pink ribbing as he led to the macy dance some appy country gal,
+with a black velvit boddice and a redd or yaller petticoat, a
+hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her air!
+
+When the Marcus & ther young ladies came to the villidge it would
+have done the i's of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved
+'em!  The little children scattered calico flowers on their path,
+the snowy-aired old men with red faces and rinkles took off their
+brown paper ats to slewt the noble Marcus.  Young and old led them
+to a woodn bank painted to look like a bower of roses, and when
+they were sett down danst ballys before them.  O 'twas a noble site
+to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint with fethers in his edd and
+all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses with their ploomes,
+and trains, and little coronicks!
+
+They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls,
+and had no end of pallises, willers, and town and country
+resadences; but their fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of
+the Island of Fogo.
+
+Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt
+dixcribe the gawjusness of their aboad.  They add twenty-four
+footmen in livery, besides a boy in codroys for the knives & shoes.
+They had nine meels aday--Shampayne and pineapples were served to
+each of the young ladies in bed before they got up.  Was it Prawns,
+Sherry-cobblers, lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to
+ring the bell and call for what they chose.  They had two new
+dresses every day--one to ride out in the open carriage, and
+another to appear in the gardens of the Castle of the Island of
+Fogo, which were illuminated every night like Voxhall.  The young
+noblemen of France were there ready to dance with them, and festif
+suppers concludid the jawyus night.
+
+Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon
+this happy fammaly.  Etached to his Princes and abommanating the
+ojus Lewyphlip, the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the
+helder branch of the Borebones--and what was the consquince?--One
+night a fleat presented itself round the Castle of the Island of
+Fogo--and skewering only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus
+and the two young ladies in disgyise, fled from that island of
+bliss.  And whither fled they?--To England!--England the ome of the
+brave, the refuge of the world, where the pore slave never setts
+his foot but he is free!
+
+Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by
+the Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their
+page from Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper
+of srimps for the umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and
+his equaintnce, Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired.
+
+But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble
+Marcus?--That is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam.
+
+
+
+THE STARS AND STRIPES.
+
+THE AUTHOR OR "THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS," "PILOT," ETC
+
+
+I.
+
+
+The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the
+fairest, not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal
+arm; while the children of France were indulging in their infantile
+hilarity in the alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from
+which Niblo's garden has been copied in our own Empire city of New
+York), and playing at leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of
+Provence; gaudy courtiers, emlazoned with orders, glittered in the
+groves, and murmured frivolous talk in the ears of high-bred beauty.
+
+"Marie, my beloved," said the ruler of France, taking out his
+watch, "'tis time that the Minister of America should be here."
+
+"Your Majesty should know the time," replied Marie Antoinette,
+archly, and in an Austrian accent; "is not my Royal Louis the first
+watchmaker in his empire?"
+
+The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with
+courtly grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment.
+"My Lord Bishop of Autun," said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand
+Perigord, who followed the royal pair, in his quality of arch-
+chamberlain of the empire, "I pray you look through the gardens,
+and tell his Excellency Doctor Franklin that the King waits."  The
+Bishop ran off, with more than youthful agility, to seek the United
+States' Minister.  "These Republicans," he added, confidentially,
+and with something of a supercilious look, "are but rude courtiers,
+methinks."
+
+"Nay," interposed the lovely Antoinette, "rude courtiers, Sire,
+they may be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished
+gentlemen.  I have seen no grandee of Versailles that has the noble
+bearing of this American envoy and his suite.  They have the
+refinement of the Old World, with all the simple elegance of the
+New.  Though they have perfect dignity of manner, they have an
+engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled by the best of
+the proud English nobles with whom they wage war.  I am told they
+speak their very language with a grace which the haughty Islanders
+who oppress them never attained.  They are independent, yet never
+insolent; elegant, yet always respectful; and brave, but not in the
+least boastful."
+
+"What! savages and all, Marie?" exclaimed Louis, laughing, and
+chucking the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin.  "But
+here comes Doctor Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him."
+In fact, as the monarch spoke, the Minister of the United States
+made his appearance, followed by a gigantic warrior in the garb of
+his native woods.
+
+Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even
+then in dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in
+valor, in honesty, in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor
+nodded to the Queen of France, but kept his hat on as he faced the
+French monarch, and did not cease whittling the cane he carried in
+his hand.
+
+"I was waiting for you, sir," the King said, peevishly, in spite of
+the alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm.
+
+"The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of
+your Majesty's wishes," replied Dr. Franklin.  "When I was a poor
+printer's boy and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than
+poor Ben Franklin; but all other things must yield to the service
+of the United States of North America.  I have done.  What would
+you, Sire?" and the intrepid republican eyed the monarch with a
+serene and easy dignity, which made the descendant of St. Louis
+feel ill at ease.
+
+"I wished to--to say farewell to Tatua before his departure," said
+Louis XVI., looking rather awkward.  "Approach, Tatua."  And the
+gigantic Indian strode up, and stood undaunted before the first
+magistrate of the French nation: again the feeble monarch quailed
+before the terrible simplicity of the glance of the denizen of the
+primaeval forests.
+
+The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his
+war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock's feather, which had
+been given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of
+Lamballe.  His nose, from which hung the ornament from which his
+ferocious tribe took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a
+circle of green and orange was drawn round each eye, while
+serpentine stripes of black, white, and vermilion alternately were
+smeared on his forehead, and descended over his cheek-bones to his
+chin.  His manly chest was similarly tattooed and painted, and
+round his brawny neck and arms hung innumerable bracelets and
+necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only from each skull) from
+the jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible tomahawk at his
+girdle.  His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped on his
+arm and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with
+tufts of hair--the black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet
+of beauty, the red lock from the forehead of the Scottish or the
+Northern soldier, the snowy tress of extreme old age, the flaxen
+down of infancy--all were there, dreadful reminiscences of the
+chief's triumphs in war.  The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle,
+and faced the King.
+
+"And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in '57?" said
+Louis, eying the warrior and his weapon.  "'Tis a clumsy lock, and
+methinks I could mend it," he added mentally.
+
+"The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth," Tatua said.
+"Tatua was a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm."
+
+"And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!" said the King.
+
+"The English are braves, though their faces are white," replied the
+Indian.  "Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other
+wolves caused the foxes to go to earth."  A smile played round Dr.
+Franklin's lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever.
+
+"I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere
+than at Quebec," the King said, appealing to the American Envoy:
+"at Bunker's Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island?  Now that
+Lafayette and my brave Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency
+need have no fear but that the war will finish quickly--yes, yes,
+it will finish quickly.  They will teach you discipline, and the
+way to conquer."
+
+"King Louis of France," said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over
+his head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, "we have learned that from
+the British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I'd have
+your Majesty to know that in the art of whipping the world we have
+no need of any French lessons.  If your reglars jine General
+Washington, 'tis to larn from HIM how Britishers are licked; for
+I'm blest if YU know the way yet."
+
+Tatua said, "Ugh," and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine,
+which made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely
+Antoinette flashed fire, but it played round the head of the
+dauntless American Envoy harmless as the lightning which he knew
+how to conjure away.
+
+The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order
+of the Bath.  "Your Excellency wears no honor," the monarch said;
+"but Tatua, who is not a subject, only an ally, of the United
+States, may.  Noble Tatua, I appoint you Knight Companion of my
+noble Order of the Bath.  Wear this cross upon your breast in
+memory of Louis of France;" and the King held out the decoration to
+the Chief.
+
+Up to that moment the Chief's countenance had been impassible.  No
+look either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim
+and war-painted visage.  But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua's face
+assumed a glance of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took
+the bauble.
+
+"I will give it to one of my squaws," he said.  "The papooses in my
+lodge will play with it.  Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink
+fire-water;" and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad
+back without ceremony upon the monarch and his train, and
+disappeared down one of the walks of the garden.  Franklin found
+him when his own interview with the French Chief Magistrate was
+over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief was, by the crack
+of his well-known rifle.  He was laughing in his quiet way.  He had
+shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade.
+
+Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the "Repudiator,"
+was sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian
+might be seen standing on the binnacle in conversation with
+Commodore Bowie, the commander of the noble ship.  It was Tatua,
+the Chief of the Nose-rings.
+
+
+II.
+
+
+Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went
+to the Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French
+pale-faces.  Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety
+and the crowd of cities; the stout mariner's home was in the
+puttock-shrouds of the old "Repudiator."  The stern and simple
+trapper loved the sound of the waters better than the jargon of the
+French of the old country.  "I can follow the talk of a Pawnee," he
+said, "or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids me to speak, by a
+Sioux's council-fire and I can patter Canadian French with the
+hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or Thichimuchimachy;
+but from the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour on her head,
+and war-paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty Pumpo."
+
+"Amen and amen!" said Tom Coxswain.  "There was a woman in our aft-
+scuppers when I went a-whalin in the little 'Grampus'--and Lord
+love you, Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as
+ever dowsed a tarpauling--there was a woman on board the 'Grampus,'
+who before we'd struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber,
+set the whole crew in a mutiny.  I mind me of her now, Natty,--her
+eye was sich a piercer that you could see to steer by it in a
+Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out like the 'Grampus's' jibboom,
+and her woice, Lord love you, her woice sings in my ears even now:--
+it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the Mate, who was hanged in
+Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in Baffin's Bay;--it set
+me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each other's old
+timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that ever
+shipped a hawser.  It cost me three years' pay as I'd stowed away
+for the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only
+bad luck to me, she went and married a little tailor out of
+Nantucket; and I've hated women and tailors ever since!"  As he
+spoke, the hardy tar dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek,
+and once more betook himself to splice the taffrail.
+
+Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle.
+The gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon
+the enemy's seaboard.  The coasts of Rutland and merry
+Leicestershire have still many a legend of fear to tell; and the
+children of the British fishermen tremble even now when they speak
+of the terrible "Repudiator."  She was the first of the mighty
+American war-ships that have taught the domineering Briton to
+respect the valor of the Republic.
+
+The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the
+sterner tone of the historian, when describing deeds connected with
+his country's triumphs.  It is well known that during the two
+months in which she lay off Havre, the "Repudiator" had brought
+more prizes into that port than had ever before been seen in the
+astonished French waters.  Her actions with the "Dettingen" and the
+"Elector" frigates form part of our country's history; their
+defence--it may be said without prejudice to national vanity--was
+worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had to encounter;
+and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which presided
+on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of the
+combat might have been in favor of the British vessels.  It was not
+until the "Elector" blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a
+lucky shot which fell into her caboose, and communicated with the
+powder-magazine, that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on
+board the "Dettingen," which he carried sword in hand.  Even when
+the American boarders had made their lodgment on the "Dettingen's"
+binnacle, it is possible that the battle would still have gone
+against us.  The British were still seven to one; their carronades,
+loaded with marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which we had
+possession, and decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from
+the shrouds of the "Repudiator" shot Captain Mumford under the star
+of the Guelphic Order which he wore, and the Americans, with a
+shout, rushed up the companion to the quarter-deck, upon the
+astonished foe.  Pike and cutlass did the rest of the bloody work.
+Rumford, the gigantic first-lieutenant of the "Dettingen," was cut
+down by Commodore Bowie's own sword, as they engaged hand to hand;
+and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down the British flag, after
+having slain the Englishman at the wheel.  Peace be to the souls of
+the brave!  The combat was honorable alike to the victor and the
+vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior
+depreciated a gallant foe.  The bitterness of defeat was enough to
+the haughty islanders who had to suffer.  The people of Herne Bay
+were lining the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel
+must have been the pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes
+rise over the old flag of the Union, and the "Dettingen" fall down
+the river in tow of the Republican frigate.
+
+Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring
+perhaps ever imagined by seaman.  It is this which has been so
+wrongly described by European annalists, and of which the British
+until now have maintained the most jealous secrecy.
+
+Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended.  Our intelligence in that
+town and arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of
+the troops, the forts, and the ships there; and it was determined
+to strike a blow which should shake the British power in its
+centre.
+
+That a frigate of the size of the "Repudiator" should enter the
+harbor unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the
+notions of even American temerity.  But upon the memorable 26th of
+June, 1782, the "Repudiator" sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick
+fog, under cover of which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch
+Bay, in the Isle of Wight.  To surprise the Martello Tower and take
+the feeble garrison thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain and a
+few of his blue-jackets.  The surprised garrison laid down their
+arms before him.
+
+It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by
+Lieutenant Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and
+in another hour were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having
+passed the challenges of the "Thetis" and the "Amphion" frigates,
+and the "Polyanthus" brig.
+
+There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board
+the Flag-ship lying in the harbor.  A banquet had been given in
+honor of the birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of
+the Guelphs--the reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor
+is in plenty.  All on board that royal ship were more or less
+overcome.  The Flag-ship was plunged in a deathlike and drunken
+sleep.  The very officer of the watch was intoxicated: he could not
+see the "Repudiator's" boats as they shot swiftly through the
+waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as they swarmed up
+the huge sides of the ship.
+
+At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the "Royal
+George"--the Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet.  The
+hatches were down.  The ship was in possession of the "Repudiator's"
+crew.  They were busy in her rigging, bending her sails to carry her
+out of the harbor.  The well-known heave of the men at the windlass
+woke up Kempenfelt in his state-cabin.  We know, or rather do not
+know, the result; for who can tell by whom the lower-deck ports of
+the brave ship were opened, and how the haughty prisoners below sunk
+the ship and its conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the
+Republic!
+
+Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished.  His tale was
+told to his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its
+publication; and it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it
+to me, his grandson, on his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday.
+
+
+
+A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL.
+
+IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST BROWN TO THE EMINENT
+NOVELIST SNOOKS.
+
+
+"CAFE DES AVEUGLES.
+
+"MY DEAR SNOOKS,--I am on the look-out here for materials for
+original comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre;
+and, in the course of my studies, I have found something, my dear
+Snooks, which I think will suit your book.  You are bringing, I
+see, your admirable novel, 'The Mysteries of May Fair,' to an end--
+(by the way, the scene, in the 200th number, between the Duke, his
+Grandmother, and the Jesuit Butler, is one of the most harrowing
+and exciting I ever read)--and, of course, you must turn your real
+genius to some other channel; and we may expect that your pen shall
+not be idle.
+
+"The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from
+the French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and,
+indeed, I found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and
+a French literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of
+the invention.  He and an advertisement agent fell out about a
+question of money, the affair was brought before the courts, and
+the little plot so got wind.  But there is no reason why you should
+not take the plot and act on it yourself.  You are a known man; the
+public relishes your works; anything bearing the name of Snooks is
+eagerly read by the masses; and though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell
+Street, pay you handsomely, I make no doubt you would like to be
+rewarded at a still higher figure.
+
+"Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days
+is good for nothing.  This one writes with a socialist purpose;
+that with a conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the
+most delicate skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find
+yourself all but a Papist in the third volume: another doctors you
+with Low Church remedies to work inwardly upon you, and which you
+swallow down unsuspiciously, as children do calomel in jelly.
+Fiction advocates all sorts of truth and causes--doesn't the
+delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in everything?  M.
+Gonzales's plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear Snooks,
+simply was to write an advertisement novel.  Look over The Times or
+the 'Directory,' walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day--
+see what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication
+with their proprietors.  With your rings, your chains, your studs,
+and the tip on your chin, I don't know any greater swell than Bob
+Snooks.  Walk into the shops, I say, ask for the principal, and
+introduce yourself, saying, 'I am the great Snooks; I am the author
+of the "Mysteries of May Fair;" my weekly sale is 281,000; I am
+about to produce a new work called "The Palaces of Pimlico, or the
+Curse of the Court," describing and lashing fearlessly the vices of
+the aristocracy; this book will have a sale of at least 530,000; it
+will be on every table--in the boudoir of the pampered duke, as in
+the chamber of the honest artisan.  The myriads of foreigners who
+are coming to London, and are anxious to know about our national
+manners, will purchase my book, and carry it to their distant
+homes.  So, Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how
+much will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel?'
+You may make a noble income in this way, Snooks.
+
+"For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer.  What more easy, what
+more delightful, than the description of upholstery?  As thus:--
+
+"'Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider's voluptuous
+ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes,
+when Lord Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of
+Tomkins's elastic Axminster carpets.  "Good heavens, my lord!" she
+said--and the lovely creature fainted.  The Earl rushed to the
+mantel-piece, where he saw a flacon of Otto's eau-de-Cologne, and,'
+&c.
+
+"Or say it's a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just
+as easily, as thus:--
+
+"'We are poor, Eliza,' said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately
+at his wife, 'but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble
+wants?  The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow's or Gobiggin's,
+but we can get our rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson's for
+20L.'  And putting on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her
+husband, the stoker's pretty bride tripped gayly to the well-known
+mart, where Timmonson, within his usual affability, was ready to
+receive them.
+
+"Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor.
+'Where did you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or
+what you please?' said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace
+Swellmore.  The voluptuous Bart answered, 'At So-and-So's, or So-
+and-So's.'  The answer is obvious.  You may furnish your cellar or
+your larder in this way.  Begad, Snooks!  I lick my lips at the
+very idea.
+
+"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a
+word for them!  Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington
+with an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that
+simple but aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the
+secret.  Parvy Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though
+corpulent and crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c.
+Don't you see what a stroke of business you might do in this way.
+
+"The shoemaker.--Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the
+ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by
+Chevillett of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and
+
+"The hairdresser.--'Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,' said
+the Earl.  'I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has
+not a single gray hair.'  Wiggins laughed.  'My good Lord Baldock,'
+said the old wag, 'I saw Barbarossa's hair coming out of
+Ducroissant's shop, and under his valet's arm--ho! ho! ho!'--and
+the two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count passed by, talking with,
+&c. &c.
+
+"The gunmaker.--'The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed
+before his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol.  It was one
+of Clicker's manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the
+maker and the weapon.  "One, two, THREE," cried O'Tool, and the two
+pistols went off at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse,
+the Lifeguardsman,' &c.--A sentence of this nature from your pen,
+my dear Snooks, would, I should think, bring a case of pistols and
+a double-barrelled gun to your lodgings; and, though heaven forbid
+you should use such weapons, you might sell them, you know, and we
+could make merry with the proceeds.
+
+"If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear
+Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember
+your friend."
+
+
+
+
+THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ.,
+
+WITH HIS LETTERS.
+
+
+A LUCKY SPECULATOR.
+
+
+"Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower
+circles in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which
+has befallen James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected
+family in Berkeley Square.
+
+"One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a
+banker in the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation,
+said he had saved a little money in service, was anxious to retire,
+and to invest his savings to advantage.
+
+"His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy,
+the well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy,
+Diddler, and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount
+of his savings, wondering considerably how, out of an income of
+thirty guineas--the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk
+stockings, and perfumery--Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by
+anything.
+
+"Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN
+RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand
+pounds.  He had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed
+from a fellow-servant.  He had dated his letters from the house in
+Berkeley Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not
+having instructed the Railway Secretaries who answered his
+applications to apply at the area-bell.
+
+"Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P.
+by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of
+the breakfast which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently
+invited him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was
+observed that Miss Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished
+seventh daughter, paid the lucky gentleman MARKED ATTENTION.
+
+"We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de
+la Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which
+he has started bears the ancient coat of his race.
+
+"He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of
+thirty-three railroads.  He proposes to stand for Parliament at the
+next general election on decidedly conservative principles, which
+have always been the politics of his family.
+
+"Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy
+had remarked his high demeanor.  Well, 'None but the brave,' say
+we, 'deserve the fair.'"--Morning Paper.
+
+This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been
+put into our box* with a West End post-mark.  If, as we believe,
+they are written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire
+borrowed the sum on which he raised his fortune, what heart will
+not melt with sympathy at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she
+expresses in such artless language?
+
+
+If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor
+callous; if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr.
+Plush will do her justice.
+
+
+* The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers were
+first published.
+
+
+          "JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.
+
+                 "A HELIGY.
+
+
+     "Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate,
+       Come all ye ladies maids so fair--
+     Vile I a story vill relate
+       Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square.
+     A tighter lad, it is confest,
+       Neer valked with powder in his air,
+     Or vore a nosegay in his breast,
+       Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+     "O Evns! it vas the best of sights,
+       Behind his Master's coach and pair,
+     To see our Jeames in red plush tights,
+       A driving hoff from Buckley Square.
+     He vel became his hagwilletts,
+       He cocked his at with SUCH a hair;
+     His calves and viskers VAS such pets,
+       That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square.
+
+     "He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell,
+       And o! I vithered vith despair,
+     Missis VOULD ring the parler bell,
+       And call up Jeames in Buckley Square.
+     Both beer and sperrits he abhord,
+       (Sperrits and beer I can't a bear,)
+     You would have thought he vas a lord
+       Down in our All in Buckley Square.
+
+     "Last year he visper'd 'Mary Ann,
+       Ven I've an under'd pound to spare,
+     To take a public is my plan,
+       And leave this hojous Buckley Square.'
+     O how my gentle heart did bound,
+       To think that I his name should bear.
+     'Dear Jeames.' says I, 'I've twenty pound;
+       And gev them him in Buckley Square.
+
+     "Our master vas a City gent,
+       His name's in railroads everywhere,
+     And lord, vot lots of letters vent
+       Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square:
+     My Jeames it was the letters took,
+       And read them all, (I think it's fair,)
+     And took a leaf from Master's book,
+       As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square.
+
+     Encouraged with my twenty pound,
+       Of which poor I was unavare,
+     He wrote the Companies all round,
+       And signed hisself from Buckley Square.
+     And how John Porter used to grin,
+       As day by day, share after share,
+     Came railvay letters pouring in,
+       'J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.'
+
+     "Our servants' All was in a rage--
+       Scrip, stock, curves, gradients, bull and bear,
+     Vith butler, coachman, groom and page,
+       Vas all the talk in Buckley Square.
+     But O! imagine vot I felt
+       Last Vensday veek as ever were;
+     I gits a letter, which I spelt
+       'Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.'
+
+     "He sent me back my money true--
+       He sent me back my lock of air,
+     And said, 'My dear, I bid ajew
+       To Mary Hann and Buckley Square.
+     Think not to marry, foolish Hann,
+       With people who your betters are;
+     James Plush is now a gentleman,
+       And you--a cook in Buckley Square.
+
+     "'I've thirty thousand guineas won,
+       In six short months, by genus rare;
+     You little thought what Jeames was on,
+       Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square.
+     I've thirty thousand guineas net,
+       Powder and plush I scorn to vear;
+     And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget
+       For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.'"
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a
+flood of tears.
+
+
+
+A LETTER FROM "JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE."
+
+
+"ALBANY, LETTER X.  August 10, 1845.
+
+"SIR,--Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to
+state that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was
+your abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer
+the delligit feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have
+NO IDEER of being made the subject of newspaper criticism.
+
+"I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my
+name in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the
+HINMOST PASHSN OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way
+for the public emusemint.
+
+"What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies
+of my engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with
+their rupsher?  Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN
+A DOGGRIL BALLIT impewted to her?  I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY
+time at least, Mary Hann could only sign her + mark (has I've
+hoften witnist it for her when she paid hin at the Savings Bank),
+and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and making POATRY, she was as
+HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself.
+
+"With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a
+footman in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in
+my affections to Mary Hann--a feller not five foot six, and with no
+more calves to his legs than a donkey--who was always a-ritin
+(having been a doctor's boy) and who I nockt down with a pint of
+porter (as he well recklex) at the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for
+daring to try to make a but of me.  He has signed Miss H's name to
+his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself hopen to a haction for
+libel for insutting them in your paper.
+
+"It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way.  That I
+borrowed 20lb of her is TREW.  But she confesses I paid it back.
+Can hall people say as much of the money THEY'VE lent or borrowed?
+No.  And I not only paid it back, but giv her the andsomest
+pres'nts: WHICH I NEVER SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO, but for this
+attack.  Fust, a silver thimble (which I found in Missus's work-
+box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems; third, I halways brought
+her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she was
+remarkable fond.  I treated her to Hashley's twice, (and halways a
+srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT ATTENTIONS,
+which I sapose count for NOTHINK.
+
+"Has for marridge.  Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable.
+I was gone into a new spear of life--mingling with my native
+aristoxy.  I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his
+a hilliterit cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table?  Do young
+fellers of rank genrally marry out of the Kitching?  If we cast our
+i's upon a low-born gal, I needn say it's only a tempory
+distraction, pore passy le tong.  So much for HER claims upon me.
+Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR'S BOY he's unwuthy the notas of a
+Gentleman.
+
+"That I've one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny.  Ow
+much has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and
+what was his cappitle?  I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated
+Jewdicious, and ham what I ham.  So may you be (if you have 20lb,
+and praps you haven't)--So may you be: if you choose to go in &
+win.
+
+"I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a
+hundred instances of my gratatude.  For igsample, the fust pair of
+hosses I bought (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in
+hany curracle,) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my
+transackshns in that railroad.  My riding Cob I called very
+unhaptly my Dublin and Galway.  He came down with me the other day,
+and I've jest sold him at 1/4 discount.
+
+"At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my
+stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table.  I have now a
+confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber--He curls my air; inspex
+my accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner.  I call this
+Vally my TRENT VALLY, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent
+line, which injuiced me to ingage him.
+
+"Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge--I have two
+handsom suvvices for dinner--the goold plate for Sundays, and the
+silver for common use.  When I ave a great party, 'Trent,' I say to
+my man, 'we will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the
+goold), or else the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).'  I bought
+them after realizing on the abuf lines, and if people suppose that
+the companys made me a presnt of the plate, how can I help it?
+
+"In the sam way I say, 'Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid
+Hexeter!' or, 'Put some Heastern Counties in hice!'  HE knows what
+I mean: it's the wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of
+my connexshn with those two railroads.
+
+"So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand
+Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her
+christened (provisionally) Rosamell--from the French line of which
+I am Director; and only the other day, finding myself rayther
+unwell, 'Doctor,' says I to Sir Jeames Clark, 'I've sent to consult
+you because my Midlands are out of horder; and I want you to send
+them up to a premium.'  The Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the
+story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s.
+
+"But I will trouble you no father.  My sole objict in writing has
+been to CLEAR MY CARRATER--to show that I came by my money in a
+honrable way: that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned
+it, and ham indeed grateful for my good fortune.
+
+"To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I
+don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg.
+You are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly.
+This is more than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy;
+but the primmier being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for
+his horder.  Consurvative though I be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS
+before the next Election, when I intend to hoffer myself as a
+Candydick for Parlymint.
+
+"Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir,
+
+"Your most obeajnt Survnt,
+
+"FITZ-JAMES DE LA PLUCHE."
+
+
+
+THE DIARY.
+
+
+One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office,
+evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress.  He
+had no flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were
+certainly two days old.  He had not above three of the ten chains
+he usually sports, and his great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands
+were deprived of some dozen of the rubies, emeralds, and other
+cameos with which, since his elevation to fortune, the poor fellow
+has thought fit to adorn himself.
+
+"How's scrip, Mr. Jeames?" said we pleasantly, greeting our
+esteemed contributor.
+
+"Scrip be ----," replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat,
+and a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and
+walked about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and
+coppers, and showing other signs of agitation.  At last, "MR.
+PUNCH," says he, after a moment's hesitation, "I wish to speak to
+you on a pint of businiss.  I wish to be paid for my contribewtions
+to your paper.  Suckmstances is altered with me.  I--I--in a word,
+CAN you lend me --L. for the account?"
+
+He named the sum.  It was one so great that we don't care to
+mention it here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on
+Messrs. Pump and Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest
+fellow's eyes.  He squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off,
+and shouting to a cab, he plunged into it at our office-door, and
+was off to the City.
+
+Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open
+pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we
+took an inventory.  It contained--three tavern-bills, paid; a
+tailor's ditto, unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different
+companies, twenty-six thousand seven hundred shares in all, of
+which the market value we take, on an average, to be 1/4 discount;
+and in an old bit of paper tied with pink ribbon a lock of chestnut
+hair, with the initials M. A. H.
+
+In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the
+proprietor from time to time.  At first the entries are
+insignificant: as, for instance:--"3rd January--Our beer in the
+Suvnts' hall so PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely
+MUSS give warning, & wood, but for my dear Mary Hann."  February 7--
+That broot Screw, the Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary
+Hann boxt his hold hears, & served him right.  I DATEST Screw,"--
+and so forth.  Then the diary relates to Stock Exchange operations,
+until we come to the time when, having achieved his successes, Mr.
+James quitted Berkeley Square and his livery, and began his life as
+a speculator and a gentleman upon town.  It is from the latter part
+of his diary that we make the following
+
+
+EXTRAX:--
+
+
+"Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that
+by the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a
+summ of 20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann
+depreshiating the qualaty of his own mackyrel?)--wen I enounced my
+abrup intention to cut--you should have sean the sensation among
+hall the people!  Cook wanted to know whether I woodn like a
+sweatbred, or the slise of the breast of a Cold Tucky.  Screw, the
+butler, (womb I always detested as a hinsalant hoverbaring beest,)
+begged me to walk into the Hupper Servnts All, and try a glass of
+Shuperior Shatto Margo.  Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his and,
+& said, 'Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you & me, &
+I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.'
+
+"The sickofnts!--that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper
+ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which
+I'm remarkable fond).  Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him
+for his precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar
+livry (he never would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of
+our mugs); and in regard of Visp--why, it was ony the day before
+the wulgar beest hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good
+iding if I refused.  Gentlemen and ladies,' says I, as haughty as
+may be, 'there's nothink that I want for that I can't go for to buy
+with my hown money, and take at my lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex;
+if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh myself in the KITCHING.'  And
+so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these minnial domestics; and
+ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back, brushed the powder
+out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries for hever, put
+on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames Street, and
+which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks.
+
+"There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious
+to evoid a persnal leave-taking--Mary Hann Oggins, I mean--for my
+art is natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane.
+I'd given her previous the infamation of my departure--doing the
+ansom thing by her at the same time--paying her back 20 lb., which
+she'd lent me 6 months before: and paying her back not only the
+interest, but I gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver
+thimbil, by way of boanus.  'Mary Hann,' says I, 'suckimstancies
+has haltered our rellatif positions in life.  I quit the Servnts
+Hall for ever, (for has for your marrying a person in my rank,
+that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I wish you a good-by, my
+good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer to me.'
+
+"Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable
+kind), but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into
+somethink betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on
+the kitching dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the
+dressing-room bell.  Would you bleave it?  She left the thimbil &
+things, & my check for 20lb. l0s., on the tabil when she went to
+hanser the bell.  And now I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her
+own room nex but one to mine, vith the dore open, peraps expecting
+I should come in and say good-by.  But, as soon as I was dressed, I
+cut down stairs, hony desiring Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch
+me a cabb, and requesting permission to take leaf of my lady & the
+famly before my departure."
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure!  Her ladyship told me what
+a sweet gal she was--hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter.
+Then she hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair.
+Haubin, indeed!  I don't like carrits! as it must be confest Miss
+Hemly's his--and has for a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I's like a
+Halbino, and her face looks as if it were dipt in a brann mash.
+How she squeeged my & as she went away!
+
+"Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and
+hivory, and I's as blew as Evin.
+
+"I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb--been resolved to
+hact the gentleman in hall things.  How he stared!"
+
+
+"25th.--I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and
+have past hall day in the Citty.  Although I've hate or nine new
+soots of close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they
+hall reckonise me.  Conshns whispers to me, 'Jeams, you'r hony a
+footman in disguise hafter all.'"
+
+
+"28th.--Been to the Hopra.  Music tol lol.  That Lablash is a
+wopper at singing.  I coodn make out why some people called out
+'Bravo,' some 'Bravar,' and some 'Bravee.'  'Bravee, Lablash,' says
+I, at which heverybody laft.
+
+"I'm in my new stall.  I've had new cushings put in, and my harms
+in goold on the back.  I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold
+waistcoat and dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese.
+I wear a Camallia Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double-
+barreld opera-glas, so big, that I make Timmins, my secnd man,
+bring it in the other cabb.
+
+"What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is!  If those four
+gals are faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend.  She can do
+all that they can do, and somethink they can't.  There's an
+indiscrible grace about her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she
+sets my art in flams.
+
+"Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on
+the fourth tear?
+
+"What linx i's she must av.  As if I could mount up there!
+
+"P.S.--Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per
+cent this very day."
+
+
+"2nd July.--Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park.  There was me,
+Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion,
+Honorable Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells.  Sir John's
+carridge there in coarse.  Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I
+pass, and I'm obleged to get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed
+up to the his.  The gettin on hossback agin is halways the juice &
+hall.  Just as I was on, Desperation begins a porring the hair with
+his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his anches, that I'm blest if I
+didn't slip hoff agin over his tail, at which Ballybunnion & the
+hother chaps rord with lafter.
+
+"As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St.
+Helena direction.  We call it the 'Great St. Helena Napoleon
+Junction,' from Jamestown to Longwood.  The French are taking it
+hup heagerly."
+
+
+"6th July.--Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh
+bords of Direction I'm hon.  The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with
+tunnils through Snowding and Plinlimming.
+
+"Great nashnallity of course.  Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd
+in the vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks;
+Welsh rabbit after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he
+went strummint on his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon
+piguliarly disagreeble to me.
+
+"It was PORE MARY HANN.  The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried
+it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue
+i's.  Why HAM I always thinking about that gal?  Sasiety is
+sasiety, it's lors is irresistabl.  Has a man of rank I can't marry
+a serving-made.  What would Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say?
+
+"P.S.--I don't like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money, &
+halways making me pay the bill.  Seven pound six at the 'Shipp,'
+Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is
+the best in Urup; nine pound three at the 'Trafflygar,' and
+seventeen pound sixteen and nine at the 'Star and Garter,'
+Richmond, with the Countess St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac.
+Not one word of French could I speak, and in consquince had nothink
+to do but to make myself halmost sick with heating hices and
+desert, while the hothers were chattering and parlyvooing.
+
+"Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we
+were more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-
+beer betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with
+hall this splender!"--
+
+
+"July 24.--My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely
+and chasely furnished--the droring-room with yellow satting and
+silver for the chairs and sophies--hemrall green tabbinet curtings
+with pink velvet & goold borders and fringes; a light blue
+Haxminster Carpit, embroydered with tulips; tables, secritaires,
+cunsoles, &c., as handsome as goold can make them, and candle-
+sticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew.
+
+"The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round
+igspanding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any
+number from 8 to 24--to which it is my wish to restrict my parties.
+Curtings crimsing damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky.  Portricks of my
+favorite great men decorats the wall--namely, the Duke of
+Wellington.  There's four of his Grace.  For I've remarked that if
+you wish to pass for a man of weight and considdration you should
+holways praise and quote him.  I have a valluble one lickwise of my
+Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert--has a Field Martial and halso as a
+privat Gent.  I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are daily hullered
+aginst that Igsolted Pottentat.  Betwigxt the Prins & the Duke
+hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars
+has made me Capting.
+
+"The Libery is not yet done.
+
+"But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole.  If you could but see
+it! such a Bedworr!  Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with
+Walanseens Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored
+tapers.  Goold dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny.  My bed
+white and gold with curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a
+top by a goold Qpid who seems always a smilin angillicly hon me,
+has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with the finest
+Mechlin.  I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2 groombs, and a
+fimmale for the House.  I've 7 osses: in cors if I hunt this winter
+I must increase my ixtablishment.
+
+"N.B.  Heverythink looking well in the City.  St. Helenas, 12 pm.;
+Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the
+new lines in prospick equily incouraging.
+
+
+"People phansy it's hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us
+fashnabble gents about townd--But I can tell 'em it's not hall
+goold that glitters.  They don't know our momints of hagony, hour
+ours of studdy and reflecshun.  They little think when they see
+Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax
+with Lady Hann, or lazaly stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring
+helegant nothinx into the Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin
+his hoss Desperation hover the exorcisin ground in the Park,--they
+little think that leader of the tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a
+careworn mann! and yet so it is.
+
+"Imprymus.  I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at
+double quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy.
+
+"First,--in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman
+reely is, I've read the novvle of 'Pelham' six times, and am to go
+through it 4 times mor.
+
+"I practis ridin and the acquirement of 'a steady and & a sure seat
+across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding
+Grounds.  Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've
+suffered from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the
+Opra.
+
+"Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have
+been surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the
+apartmince of Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex.  It's my
+dancing-master.  From six to nine we have walces and polkies--at
+nine, 'mangtiang & depotment,' as he calls it & the manner of
+hentering a room, complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting
+yourself at table.  At nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to
+a party), I make my bow--my master (he's a Marquis in France, and
+ad misfortins, being connected with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves
+me--I hadwance--speak abowt the weather & the toppix of the day in
+an elegant & cussory manner.  Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my
+mann--we precede to the festive bord--complimence is igschanged
+with the manner of drinking wind, addressing your neighbor,
+employing your napking & finger-glas, &c.  And then we fall to
+brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat like a commoner.
+He says I'm gettn on very well--soon I shall be able to inwite
+people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr.
+Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, 'The Lays of
+Hancient Rum;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself.
+
+
+"The above was wrote some weeks back.  I HAVE given brekfst sins
+then, reglar Deshunys.  I have ad Earls and Ycounts--Barnits as
+many as I chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form
+a member.  Last Sunday was a grand Fate.  I had the Eleet of my
+friends: the display was sumptious; the company reshershy.
+Everything that Dellixy could suggest was provided by Gunter.  I
+had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess of Wigglesbury, that
+loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be called the Railway
+Queend, as my friend George H---- is the Railway King,) on my left
+the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the great Sir
+Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust of
+the fashn.  I was in my GLOARY--the dear Countess and Lady Blanche
+was dying with lauffing at my joax and fun--I was keeping the whole
+table in a roar--when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly
+Fitzwarren, my man, henters with an air of constanation.  'Theres
+somebody at the door,' says he in a visper.
+
+"'Oh, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, 'and that lazy raskle of
+a husband of hers.  Trot them in, Fitzwarren,' (for you see by this
+time I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)--
+And so, going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently,
+enouncing Mr. & Mrs. Blodder.
+
+"I turned gashly pail.  The table--the guests--the Countiss--
+Towrouski, and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated
+I's.  IT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill.  She is a washerwoman
+at Healing Common, and he--he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.
+
+"Y, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them?  He had tried.  But
+the unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him,
+Huncle Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm!
+
+"Phansy my feelinx."
+
+
+"Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the
+room: you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt.
+Old Grann looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental
+splender, and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the
+company as respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says--
+'Crikey, Jeames, you've got a better birth here than you ad where
+you were in the plush and powder line.'  'Try a few of them plovers
+hegs, sir,' I says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say, that somethink
+would choke huncle B---; 'and I hope, mam, now you've ad the
+kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment won't be out of your
+way.'
+
+"This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and
+because in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from
+the hold lady, which I should be a roag to forgit.  She paid for my
+schooling; she got up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many &
+many a lb; and manys the time in appy appy days when me and
+Maryhann has taken tea.  But never mind THAT.  'Mam,' says I, 'you
+must be tired hafter your walk.'
+
+"'Walk?  Nonsince, Jeames,' says she; 'it's Saturday, & I came in,
+in THE CART.'  'Black or green tea, maam?' says Fitzwarren,
+intarupting her.  And I will say the feller showed his nouce & good
+breeding in this difficklt momink; for he'd halready silenced
+huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny
+sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies.
+
+"'Wouldn't you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,' says that
+sly wagg Cinqbars.  'HE knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle
+hold Lady, pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often
+seen her take a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I
+was ableeged to horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and
+to help my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands.  She tost it
+hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with her lipps
+after she'd emtied the glas, which very nearly caused me to phaint
+with hagny.  But, luckaly for me, she didn't igspose herself much
+farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take another glas, I
+cried out, 'Don't, my lord,' on which old Grann hearing him
+edressed by his title, cried out, 'A Lord! o law!' and got up and
+made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another word.
+The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy.
+
+"The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust
+at the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg,
+got up to leave the room, with the most dignified hair.  I, of
+coarse, rose to conduct her to her weakle.  Ah, what a contrast it
+was!  There it stood, with stars and garters hall hover the
+pannels; the footmin in peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3
+hundred apiece;--and there stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with 'Mary
+Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and
+waiting till my abandind old parint should come out.
+
+"Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in.  Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone,
+the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid
+as a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they
+witnessed the sean.  But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty
+Quickset, who was going away with the Countiss, held her little &
+out of the carridge to me and said, 'Mr. De la Pluche, you are a
+much better man than I took you to be.  Though her Ladyship IS
+horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take gin for breakfast,
+don't give her up.  No one ever came to harm yet for honoring their
+father & mother.'
+
+"And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all
+the good fellers thought none the wuss of me.  Cinqbars said I was
+a trump for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills
+said she should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I
+let them.  But it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove
+hoff.
+
+"There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I
+muss say, I thought lickwise: 'Ho, Jeames,' says she, 'hall those
+fine ladies in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one
+of em can hold a candle to Mary Hann.'"
+
+
+"Railway Spec is going on phamusly.  You should see how polite they
+har at my bankers now!  Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company.  They bow
+me out of the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb.  Every body says
+I'm worth half a millium.  The number of lines they're putting me
+upon is inkumseavable.  I've put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several.
+Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire, looks splendid in a perspectus; and
+the raskle owns that he has made two thowsnd.
+
+"How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me!  If I go into
+Lady Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there,
+and cries out, 'O do make room for that dear creature!'  And she
+complyments me on my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the
+phansy of my weskit, and always ends by asking me for some shares.
+Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as
+poor as Joab--even he condysends to be sivvle to the great De la
+Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, lately, in his sollom, pompus
+way, 'to faver him with five minutes' conversation.'  I knew what
+was coming--application for shares--put him down on my private
+list.  Would'nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing through
+Bareacres--hoped I'd come down and shoot there.
+
+"I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket.  'There,
+old Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a
+footman.  There, old Pompossaty!  Take fifty pound; I like to see
+you come cringing and begging for it.'  Whenever I see him in a
+VERY public place, I take my change for my money.  I digg him in
+the ribbs, or slap his padded old shoulders.  I call him,
+'Bareacres, my old buck!' and I see him wince.  It does my art
+good.
+
+"I'm in low sperits.  A disagreeable insadent has just occurred.
+Lady Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner.  I sat on her
+right, of course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was
+getting on in my fassanating way--full of lacy ally (as the Marquis
+says) and easy plesntry.  Old Pump, from the end of the table,
+asked me to drink shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw
+Charles Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers'
+house) grinning over his shoulder at the butler.
+
+"The beest reckonised me.  Has I was putting on my palto in the
+hall, he came up again: 'HOW DY DOO, Jeames?' says he, in a findish
+visper.  'Just come out here, Chawles,' says I, 'I've a word for
+you, my old boy.'  So I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my
+pus in my hand, as if I was going to give him a sovaring.
+
+"'I think you said "Jeames," Chawles,' says I, 'and grind at me at
+dinner?'
+
+"'Why, sir.' says he, 'we're old friends, you know.'
+
+"'Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just
+one on the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd
+been shot.  And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest
+of the grinning scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb."
+
+
+"Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George,
+Earl Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of
+self & that noble gent.  Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small
+piece of land of about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding
+advantageous for the cultivation of sheep, which have been found to
+have a pickewlear fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme,
+heather, and other hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting
+in the places where the rox and stones don't prevent them.
+Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and the land is also devided
+hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges--much more usefle and ickonomicle
+than your quickset or any of that rubbishing sort of timber: indeed
+the sile is of that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there
+altogether.  I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this land (the
+igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares)--a very handsom price for
+land which never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient
+to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers
+which he had given them.  James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for
+the fust time a landed propriator--or rayther, I should say, is
+about to reshume the rank & dignity in the country which his
+Hancestors so long occupied.
+
+"I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the
+Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered
+on the North by Lord Bareacres' Country; on the West by Sir Granby
+Growler; on the South by the Hotion.  An Arkytect & Survare, a
+young feller of great emagination, womb we have employed to make a
+survey of the Great Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar
+(on paper), Plushton Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P.,
+Esquire.  The house is reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer,
+imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by beautiful gardings.  Theres a
+lake in front with boatsful of nobillaty and musitions floting on
+its placid sufface--and a curricle is a driving up to the grand
+hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady Hangelana de la
+Pluche.  I speak adwisedly.  I MAY be going to form a noble
+kinexion.  I may be (by marridge) going to unight my family once
+more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some sentries
+separated us.  I have dreams of that sort.
+
+"I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL,
+standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union
+with a serting butifle young lady, his daughter.  Phansy Mr. or Sir
+Jeames and lady Hangelina de la Pluche!  Ho! what will the old
+washywoman, my grandmother, say?  She may sell her mangle then, and
+shall too by my honor as a Gent."
+
+
+"As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to
+give 5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some
+ideer in vew.  Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex?  Don't
+Squallop lie amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster,
+and Scrag End, through which cities our line passes?  I will have
+400,000 lb. for that mounting, or my name is not Jeames.  I have
+arranged a little barging too for my friend the Erl.  The line will
+pass through a hangle of Bareacre Park.  He shall have a good
+compensation I promis you; and then I shall get back the 3000 I
+lent him.  His banker's acount, I fear, is in a horrid state."
+
+
+[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no interest
+to the public:--Memoranda of City dinners--meetings of Directors--
+fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and nearly always
+by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose "pompossaty,"
+as previously described, seems to have almost entirely subsided.]
+
+
+We then come to the following:--
+
+
+"With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning's Gayzett
+the following news:--
+
+"'Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of
+Diddlesex.
+
+"'JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.'"
+
+
+"'North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.
+
+"'James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice
+Blowhard, promoted."'
+
+
+"And his it so?  Ham I indeed a landed propriator--a Deppaty
+Leftnant--a Capting?  May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror
+a sayber in my country's defens?  I wish the French WOOD land, and
+me at the head of my squadring on my hoss Desparation.  How I'd
+extonish 'em!  How the gals will stare when they see me in
+youniform!  How Mary Hann would--but nonsince!  I'm halways
+thinking of that pore gal.  She's left Sir John's.  She couldn't
+abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say.  I hope she's got a
+good place.  Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss,
+or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann.  I told my
+granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on
+Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in an anvylope.  But she's
+sent it back, sealed with a thimbill."
+
+
+Tuesday.--Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B----, rellatiff
+to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that
+hospicious seramony:--
+
+
+"'MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,--I THINK you had better be presented as a
+Deputy Lieutenant.  As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know
+what the uniform is now.  The last time we were out was in 1803,
+when the Prince of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray
+jackets, leathers, red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass
+helmets with leopard-skin and a white plume, and the regulation
+pig-tail of eighteen inches.  That dress will hardly answer at
+present, and must be modified, of coarse.  We were called the White
+Feathers, in those days.  For my part, I decidedly recommend the
+Deputy Lieutenant.
+
+"'I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-
+room.  Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina,
+who will be presented on that day.  My wife has heard much of you,
+and is anxious to make your acquaintance.
+
+"'All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven's sake,
+my dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige
+
+"'Yours, very gratefully,
+
+"'BAREACRES.'
+
+
+"Note.--Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I'M
+for the cavvlery."
+
+
+"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me.  It was in that
+month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my
+gracious Sovarink.
+
+"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my
+busm was in no triffling flutter.  Sleaplis of nights, I past them
+thinking of the great ewent--or if igsosted natur DID clothes my
+highlids--the eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers.
+Corts, Erls, presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in
+my dreembs unceasnly.  I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn
+never surely igseeded that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I
+actially dremt that Her R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and
+that there was a Cabinit Counsel to detummin whether her & was to
+be bestoad on me or the Prins of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a
+young Prooshn or Germing zion of nobillaty.  I ask umly parding for
+this hordacious ideer.
+
+"I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented
+to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm.  The
+Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming
+like the--the--livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to
+wear before entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of
+wearing one.  My detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry
+Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex
+Huzzas.
+
+"Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself
+quite hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as
+shuited the presnt time and my metured and elygint taste.  Pig-
+tales was out of the question.  Tites I was detummind to mintain.
+My legg is praps the finist pint about me, and I was risolved not
+to hide it under a booshle.
+
+"I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have
+seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to
+go there.  Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did
+I have myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.
+
+"Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold
+tassels as bigg as belpulls.
+
+"Jackit--French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according
+to the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, &
+settin hoff the cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY.
+
+"A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir.  A sayber of
+Demaskus steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and
+imbridered pocket ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which,
+without vannaty, was, I flatter myself, UNEAK.
+
+"But the crownding triumph was my hat.  I couldnt wear a cock At.
+The huzzahs dont use 'em.  I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass
+Elmet & Leppardskin.  I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of
+hevery Brittn; an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and
+adord Prins; an At which VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane
+etempted to run down.  I chose the HALBERT AT.  I didn't tell
+Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty, intending to SURPRISE him.
+The white ploom of the West Diddlesex Yomingry I fixt on the topp
+of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a shaving-brush.
+
+"You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect
+to practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say.
+
+"This was the way.  I used to dress myself in my full togs.  I made
+Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the
+Lord in Waiting.  I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm
+chair to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my
+secknd man, standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus
+Prins Consort.  Hall the Candles were lighted.  'Captain de la
+Pluche, presented by Herl Bareacres,' Fitzwarren, my man,
+igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to the Thrown.  Nealin on
+one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty towards the British
+Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus Simiter WOULD
+git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery
+disagreeble)--rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly
+but respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated
+backards out of the Roil Presents.  I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4
+hours at this gaym the night before my presntation, and yet I was
+the fust to be hup with the sunrice.  I COODNT sleep that night.
+By abowt six o'clock in the morning I was drest in my full uniform;
+and I didnt know how to pass the interveaning hours.
+
+"'My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I.  'It will
+rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in
+life.  Has I ave read in the novle of "Kennleworth," that the Herl
+goes down in Cort dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down
+in all my splender and astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.'
+To make this detummination; to horder my Broom; to knock down
+Frederick the groomb for delaying to bring it; was with me the wuck
+of a momint.  The next sor as galliant a cavyleer as hever rode in
+a cabb, skowering the road to Healing.
+
+"I arrived at the well-known cottitch.  My huncle was habsent with
+the cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed
+through the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry.
+My snowy ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I
+hentered the apartmint.
+
+"There was a smell of tea there--there's always a smell of tea
+there--the old lady was at her Bohee as usual.  I advanced tords
+her; but ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann!
+
+"I halmost faintid with himotion.  'Ho, Jeames!' (she has said to
+me subsquintly) 'mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did
+when you arrived on the day of the Levy.  You were no longer
+mortial, you were diwine!'
+
+"R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions
+in the groce carriketure he's made of me."*
+
+
+* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my
+hentrance to St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy.  The Tuckish
+Hambasdor himself was not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out.
+
+"As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved
+to come to the ground on HOSSBACK.  I had Desparation phigd out as
+a charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in
+which I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand
+it,) and 2 fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry.  I
+rode up St. Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hadycongs--the people
+huzzaying--the gals waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring
+Prins--hall the winders crowdid to see me pass.
+
+"The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came,
+for the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with
+presented harms.
+
+"What a momink of triumth it was!  I sprung myjestickly from
+Desperation.  I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and,
+salewting the crowd, I past into the presnts of my Most Gracious
+Mrs.
+
+"You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the
+suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown.  But I am not
+one who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY.  Rispect for our
+reckonized instatewtions is my fust quallaty.  I, for one, will dye
+rallying round my Thrown.
+
+"Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,--when I
+sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious
+Prins, to admire womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my
+busum was seased with an imotium which my Penn rifewses to
+dixcribe--my trembling knees halmost rifused their hoffis--I
+reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting in the harms of
+the Lord Chamberling.  Sir Robert Peal apnd to be standing by (I
+knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him, igspecially his
+ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall say
+nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT
+HE ONE.  Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting?  I
+introjuiced myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the
+equaintance, and peraps ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy.
+
+"But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had
+the inagspressable dalite to beold.  This was that Star of fashing,
+that Sinecure of neighboring i's, as Milting observes, the
+ecomplisht Lady Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend,
+John George Godfrey de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres,
+Baron Southdown, in the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron
+Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant of the County of
+Diddlesex, &c. &c.  This young lady was with her Noble Ma, when I
+was kinducted tords her.  And surely never lighted on this hearth a
+more delightfle vishn.  In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady Hangelina
+was the fairest Star--in that reath of Loveliness the sweetest
+Rosebud!  Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been
+senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge
+disappeared in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of
+Hangelina.
+
+"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow--a grand and hawfle pusnage
+her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of
+Hostridge phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness
+perfickly bewhildring, and said, 'O, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so
+delighted to make your acquaintance.  I have often heard of you.'
+
+"'Who,' says I, 'has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the
+fair Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!'  (For you see
+I've not studdied 'Pelham' for nothink, and have lunt a few French
+phraces, without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.)
+
+"'O,' replies my lady, 'it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY
+old friend of yours.'
+
+"'Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty--
+
+"'Hoggins--Mary Ann Hoggins'--ansurred my lady (laffing phit to
+splitt her little sides).  'She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and
+I'm afraid you are a very sad, sad person.'
+
+"'A mere baggytell,' says I.  'In fommer days I WAS equainted with
+that young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for
+hever, and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.'
+
+"'Do tell me all about it.  Who is it?  When was it?  We are all
+dying to know."
+
+"'Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,'
+says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the
+fassanations of my smile.
+
+"'Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and
+mistashes standing by, 'hadn't you better take your spurs out of
+the Countess of Bareacres' train?'--'Never mind Mamma's train'
+(said Lady Hangelina): 'this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is
+to make all our fortunes--yours too.  Mr. de la Pluche, let me
+present you to Captain George Silvertop,'--The Capting bent just
+one jint of his back very slitely; I retund his stare with equill
+hottiness.  'Go and see for Lady Bareacres' carridge, George,' says
+his Lordship; and vispers to me, 'a cousin of ours--a poor
+relation.'  So I took no notis of the feller when he came back, nor
+in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and
+fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting."
+
+
+"Thusday Night.--O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments
+daily!  I've bean with her two the Hopra.  I sent her a bewtifle
+Camellia Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear
+it in her raving Air.  I woar another in my butnole.  Evns, what
+was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the
+house with my glas!
+
+"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however--would scarcely
+speek; although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries.  I
+spose it was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the
+box.  As if he didn't know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts
+for nothink) that people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty."
+
+
+"Friday.--I was sleeples all night.  I gave went to my feelings in
+the folloring lines--there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that
+she's fond of.  I edapted them to that mellady.
+
+"She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B.  She was wobbling
+at the pyanna as I hentered.  I flung the convasation upon mewsick;
+said I sung myself (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo);
+and, on her rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out
+with my pom:
+
+
+     "'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS.
+
+     "'When moonlike ore the hazure seas
+        In soft effulgence swells,
+       When silver jews and balmy breaze
+        Bend down the Lily's bells;
+       When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
+        Has lapt your soal in dreems,
+       R Hangeline!  R lady mine!
+        Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+     "'I mark thee in the Marble All,
+        Where Englands loveliest shine--
+       I say the fairest of them hall
+        Is Lady Hangeline.
+       My soul, in desolate eclipse,
+        With recollection teems--
+       And then I hask, with weeping lips
+        Dost thou remember Jeames?
+
+     "'Away! I may not tell thee hall
+        This soughring heart endures--
+       There is a lonely sperrit-call
+        That Sorrow never cures;
+       There is a little, little Star,
+        That still above me beams;
+       It is the Star of Hope--but ar!
+        Dost thou remember Jeames?'
+
+
+"When I came to the last words, 'Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?' I
+threw such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at
+the hend, that Hangelina could bare it no more.  A bust of
+uncumtrollable emotium seized her.  She put her ankercher to her
+face and left the room.  I heard her laffing and sobbing histerickly
+in the bedwor.
+
+"O Hangelina--My adord one, My Arts joy!" . . .
+
+
+"BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet
+Southdown, B's eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting
+(who seems to git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have
+beene down into Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the
+feald there.
+
+"Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent
+boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers
+in the Edges with a pistle)--I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes
+as a shot, and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a
+shooting gallery, which a chap histed up and down with a string.  I
+sugseaded in itting the hannimle pretty well.  I bought Awker's
+'Shooting-Guide,' two double-guns at Mantings, and salected from
+the French prints of fashn the most gawjus and ellygant sportting
+ebillyment.  A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very much on
+one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered satting, a weskit
+of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter tartn, (with
+large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and
+sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes,
+was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set
+hoff my figger in rayther a fayverable way.  I took down none of my
+own pusnal istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my
+grooms, with Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong
+containing my dressing-case and close.
+
+"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad
+Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk
+of the hempire.  The squires prest forrards to welcome the new
+comer amongst 'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the
+Bareacres tenantry, where I made a speech droring tears from
+heavery i.  It was in compliment to a layborer who had brought up
+sixteen children, and lived sixty years on the istate on seven bobb
+a week.  I am not prowd, though I know my station.  I shook hands
+with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves.  I told him that the
+purshuit of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of humannaty:
+I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of my
+hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a
+pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each
+pocket, as a reward for three score years of labor.  Fitzwarren, my
+man, brought them forrards on a satting cushing.  Has I sat down
+defning chears selewted the horator; the band struck up 'The Good
+Old English Gentleman.'  I looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina
+waived her ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in the distans that
+pore Mary Hann efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints."
+
+
+"What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady
+Hangelina's company!  Sins she wears her young lady's igsploded
+gownds and retired caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her
+which is puffickly admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral
+bewty & sweetniss, creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . .
+Shor! I MUSTN'T give way to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the
+aristoxy.  What can she be to me but a mear recklection--a vishn of
+former ears?
+
+"I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday.
+I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle.  I sor a lady
+in a melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun,
+which was eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient
+demean.
+
+"'Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I--'A penny for your Ladyship's
+thought,' says I.
+
+"'Ho, Jeames!  Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!' hansered a well-known vice,
+with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art.  'YOU know what my
+thoughts are, well enough.  I was thinking of happy, happy old
+times, when both of us were poo--poo--oor,' says Mary Hann, busting
+out in a phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide.  I took her and
+tried to cumft her: I pinted out the diffrents of our sitawashns;
+igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as its
+previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to marry into a noble
+famly.  I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going hon hall the
+time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up--'The real Siming Pewer,'
+as they say in the play.
+
+"There they stood together--them two young women.  I don't know
+which is the ansamest.  I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt
+help comparing myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that
+found it difficklt to make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A."
+
+
+"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren--my oan man--a feller I've maid a
+fortune for--a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!--a low bred
+Wallydyshamber!  HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and
+treating me to his imperence.
+
+"He's a great big athlatic feller--six foot i, with a pair of black
+whiskers like air-brushes--with a look of a Colonel in the harmy--a
+dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you.  I was coming ome
+from shuiting this hafternoon--and passing through Lady Hangelina's
+flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann
+pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to
+her?
+
+"'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he.  'I've saved money.
+We'll take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you.  I'm not a
+purse-proud ungrateful fellow like Jeames--who's such a snob ('such
+a SNOB' was his very words!) that I'm ashamed to wait on him--who's
+the laughing stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room
+too--try a MAN,' says he--'don't be taking on about such a humbug
+as Jeames.'
+
+"Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust
+out a laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and
+intarupt this polite convasation.
+
+"I was in such a rayge.  'Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to
+the young woman--and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to
+remain.'
+
+"'I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller--all
+the colors of the ranebo.
+
+"'Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I.
+
+"'It's not your livery,' says he.
+
+"'Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I,
+unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn.  'Take my
+jackit, Joe,' says I to the boy,--and put myself in a hattitude
+about which there was NO MISTAYK.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"He's 2 stone heavier than me--and knows the use of his ands as
+well as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD'S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb
+can't stand before the gentleman; and I should have killed him,
+I've little doubt, but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us
+before we'd had more than 2 rounds.
+
+"I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I'm
+writing this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to
+dinner on account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and
+disfiggrs me dreadfl."
+
+
+"On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter
+with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with
+the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form an
+agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard
+pheacher.  My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable;
+and (has the Poick well observes 'Nun but the Brayv desuvs the
+Fare') I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory
+disfiggarment.
+
+"It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my
+phisticoughs with Fitzwarren.  I licked him and bare him no mallis:
+but of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis,
+apinting Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley.
+
+"Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul
+visits during my retiremint.  Lady Hangelina was halways sending me
+messidges by her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the
+contry) was always sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina.
+Now it was a coolin hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her
+Ladyship would perscribe--then, agin, it would be a booky of
+flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and jyponikys),
+which none but the fair &s of Hangelina could dispose about the
+chamber of the hinvyleed.  Ho! those dear mothers! when they wish
+to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or to ixtablish their
+dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give a man!  You'd
+have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), that I
+couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and
+blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I
+ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the
+kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them.  I et 'em,
+and sacrafised myself for her dear sayk.
+
+"I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and
+his son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted,
+and hoped soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland.
+
+"'You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent
+father.  'You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and
+those of my Lady Bareacres; but I am not--not quite certain about
+Lady Angelina's feelings.  Girls are wild and romantic.  They do
+not see the necessity of prudent establishments, and I have never
+yet been able to make Angelina understand the embarrassments of her
+family.  These silly creatures prate about love and a cottage, and
+despise advantages which wiser heads than theirs know how to
+estimate.'
+
+"'Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, bursting out
+at this outrayjus ideer.
+
+"'She WILL be, my dear sir.  You have already pleased her,--your
+admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond
+father's wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our
+family.'
+
+"'Recklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords,--'a barging's a barging--
+I'll pay hoff Southdown's Jews, when I'm his brother.  As a
+STRAYNGER'--(this I said in a sarcastickle toan)--'I wouldn't take
+such a LIBBATY.  When I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of
+your estayt.  I'll make your incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and
+restor the ouse of Bareacres to its herly splender.  But a pig in a
+poak is not the way of transacting bisniss imployed by Jeames De la
+Pluche, Esquire.'
+
+"And I had a right to speak in this way.  I was one of the greatest
+scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune.
+All my shares was rising immence.  Every poast brot me noose that I
+was sevral thowsands richer than the day befor.  I was detummind
+not to reerlize till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to
+found a new family of Delapluches, and to alie myself with the
+aristoxy of my country.
+
+"These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin.
+'If you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, 'I would have
+married you: and why don't I?  Because my dooty prewents me.  I'm a
+marter to dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with
+that ideer.'
+
+"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and
+Lady Hangelina to drive me to the same pint.  'What a plucky fellow
+you were, Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familiar than I
+liked), 'in your fight with Fitzwarren--to engage a man of twice
+your strength and science, though you were sure to be beaten' (this
+is an etroashous folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10
+minnits), 'for the sake of poor Mary Hann!  That's a generous
+fellow.  I like to see a man risen to eminence like you, having his
+heart in the right place.  When is to be the marriage, my boy?'
+
+"'Capting S.' says I, 'my marridge consunns your most umble servnt
+a precious sight more than you;'--and I gev him to understand I
+didn't want him to put in HIS ore--I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers,
+I prommis you, Capting as he was.  I'm a British Lion, I am as
+brayv as Bonypert, Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face
+bagnits as well as any Evy drigoon of 'em all.
+
+"Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way.  'Mr. De la
+Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point?  You can't suppose that
+you will be happy with a person like me?'
+
+"'I adoar you, charming gal!' says I.  'Never, never go to say any
+such thing.'
+
+"'You adored Mary Ann first,' answers her ladyship; 'you can't keep
+your eyes off her now.  If any man courts her you grow so jealous
+that you begin beating him.  You will break the girl's heart if you
+don't marry her, and perhaps some one else's--but you don't mind
+THAT.'
+
+"'Break yours, you adoarible creature!  I'd die first!  And as for
+Mary Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy.
+Once for all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er.  It's a
+pang to part with her' (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears),
+'but part from her I must.'
+
+"It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina,
+that melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so
+disml--yet she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all.
+
+"'What a sacrifice!' says she; 'it's like Napoleon giving up
+Josephine.  What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!'
+
+"'It does,' says I--'Hagnies!'  (Another laff.)
+
+"'And if--if I don't accept you--you will invade the States of
+the Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the
+occasion of peace between you!'
+
+"'I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors
+your Pas; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers
+morgidged; that if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an
+old pawper; that he owes me a lot of money; and that I'm the man
+that can sell him up hoss & foot; or set him up agen--THAT'S what I
+know, Lady Hangelina,' says I, with a hair as much as to say, 'Put
+THAT in your ladyship's pipe and smoke it.'
+
+"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced--
+
+"'MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--We hear that a matrimonial union is on
+the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in
+the Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose
+estates are situated in D-ddles-x.  An early day is fixed for this
+interesting event.'"
+
+
+"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the
+fealinx of wimming?) Mary Hann didn't seem to be much efected by
+the hideer of my marridge with Hangelinar.  I was rayther
+disapinted peraps that the fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so
+easy to give me hup, for we Gents are creechers of vannaty after
+all, as well as those of the hopsit secks; and betwigst you and me
+there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht that I'd been borne a
+Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have permitted me to marry
+both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd to be appy with
+ony one.
+
+"Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my
+defianced bride.  When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery
+the great Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a
+gent of my qualaty.  I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning
+Erald--no, no, I'm not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit
+infamation) an account of my famly, my harms and pedigry.
+
+"I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my
+arms and my adord wife's was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks
+of me and her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being
+resolved to be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that my
+character as a man of fashn wasn't compleat unless I sat to that
+dixtinguished Hartist.  My likenis I presented to Hangelina.  It's
+not considered flattring--and though SHE parted with it, as you
+will hear, mighty willingly, there's ONE young lady (a thousand
+times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her hi.
+
+"Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for
+about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me?  It was bought in by
+Maryhann, though: 'O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it &
+pressing it to her art), 'it isn't ansum enough for you, and hasn't
+got your angellick smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.'
+
+"Hangelina's pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her
+mamma, though of coarse I paid for it.  It was engraved for the
+'Book of Bewty' the same year.
+
+"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known
+her--but the ands, feat, and i's, was very like.  She was painted
+in a gitar supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and
+her brother Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote
+the follering stanzys about her:--
+
+
+         "LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT.
+
+             "BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN.
+
+"The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
+Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
+I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er,
+I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
+I stood upon the donjon keep--it is a sacred place,--
+Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race;
+Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
+There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield.
+
+"The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck,
+On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
+A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings' fatal fray--
+St. Willibald for Bareacres! 'twas double gules that day!
+O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
+A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince!
+At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
+The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears!
+
+"'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing:
+O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing!
+Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
+And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus!
+O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear
+Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
+I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
+And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side!
+
+"Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
+Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line:
+Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
+The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
+Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile,
+'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile.
+I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
+I'll muse on other days, and wish--and wish I were.--A SNOB."
+
+
+"All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle.
+They're always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young
+chaps; but the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his
+cuttin hoff his 'strong right hand,' is rayther too good; the
+feller is about 5 fit hi,--as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist
+like a gal; and though he may have the art and curridge of a Bengal
+tyger, I'd back my smallest cab-boy to lick him,--that is, if I AD
+a cab-boy.  But io! MY cab-days is over.
+
+"Be still my hagnizing Art!  I now am about to hunfoald the dark
+payges of the Istry of my life!"
+
+
+"My friends! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn,
+prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though
+mounted on the haypix of Good Luck--feasting hall the great (like
+the Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle
+and igsample through life), but not forgitting the small--No, my
+beayvior to my granmother at Healing shows that.  I bot her a new
+donkey cart (what the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set
+of peggs for anging up her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a
+new shoot of close, which he ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much
+to the estonishment of my Snyder there, namely an olliffgreen
+velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush weskoat with
+glas-buttns.  These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I never
+should have eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble
+sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to
+either good or bad forting.
+
+"What was the substns of my last chapter?  In that everythink was
+prepayred for my marridge--the consent of the parents of my
+Hangelina was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I
+thought) to be led to Himing's halter--the trooso was hordered--the
+wedding dressis were being phitted hon--a weddinkake weighing half
+a tunn was a gettn reddy by Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there
+was such an account for Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have
+staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the Commissioner when I came
+hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich
+fine ones as never was given away--no not by Hiss Iness the Injan
+Prins Juggernaut Tygore.  The juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were
+from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer.  The honey-
+moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was in
+treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my
+town-house.  I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-
+Markit which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the
+atax of the misrable Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning
+Erald) was restored to its elthy toan.  I wasn't goin to part with
+scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or 3: and bein confidnt that the
+Markit would rally, had bought very largely for the two or three
+new accounts.
+
+"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv
+orders for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their
+accounts.  I am the soal of onour--but no gent can pay when he has
+no money--it's not MY fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres
+cabbidged three hundred yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the
+biggest diminds and seven of the largist Injar Shawls--it's not MY
+fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that Lady
+B. declared they were LOST.  I began the world afresh with the
+close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing
+nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though
+beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin.
+
+"Well--it was the day before that apinted for my Unium.  The
+'Ringdove' steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff.  The
+Bridle apartmince had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly
+at Balong sur Mare--the very table cloth was laid for the weddn
+brexfst in Ill Street, and the Bride's Right Reverend Huncle, the
+Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium.
+All the papers were full of it.  Crowds of the fashnable world went
+to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges in Long Hacre.  Our
+travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting, and
+vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet
+ellygns.  We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and
+Mary Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina.  Far from oposing our
+match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught
+and joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly.
+
+"I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before--aving a
+multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers' and bankers' accounts
+to settle: atsettrey atsettrey.  It was layt before I got these in
+horder: my sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going
+to be marrid or to be hanged.  I took my chocklit in bed about one:
+tride on my wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me
+exeedingly.
+
+"One thing distubbed my mind--two weskts had been sent home.  A
+blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet
+imbridered in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day?
+This hadgitated and perplext me a good deal.  I detummined to go
+down to Hill Street and cumsult the Lady whose wishis were
+henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and wear whichever SHE phixt on.
+
+"There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street:
+which I etribyouted to the eproaching event.  The old porter stared
+meost uncommon when I kem in--the footman who was to enounce me
+laft I thought--I was going up stairs--
+
+"'Her ladyship's not--not at HOME,' says the man; 'and my lady's
+hill in bed.'
+
+"'Git lunch,' says I, 'I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.'
+
+"At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown
+out like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the
+porter jined in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says,
+slapping his and on his thy, without the least respect--I say,
+Huffy, old boy! ISN'T this a good un?'
+
+"'Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, 'hollaring and
+laffing at me?'
+
+"'Oh, here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask HER'--and
+indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs--her
+&s in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look
+hod & then to grin too.
+
+"'In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and
+collaring him fit to throttle him--'no raskle of a flunky shall
+insult ME,' and I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both
+of 'em into the hall-chair with a flopp--when Mary Hann, jumping
+down, says, 'O James!  O Mr. Plush! read this'--and she pulled out
+a billy doo.
+
+"I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina."
+
+
+"Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows:--
+
+"'I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished
+pretensions which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me;
+and have spared me the painful necessity of the step which I am
+compelled to take.  For a long time I could not believe my parents
+were serious in wishing to sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated
+them to spare me.  I cannot undergo the shame and misery of a union
+with you.  To the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only
+now anticipate by a few hours, my departure from a home from which
+they themselves were about to expel me.
+
+"'When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom,
+as you are aware, my heart was given long ago.  My parents are
+already informed of the step I have taken.  And I have my own honor
+to consult, even before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope
+and feel, before long.
+
+"'As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your
+exquisite feelings too?  I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you.
+She admires you as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy
+which I entreat you to try and imitate.  Do, my dear Mr. Plush,
+try--for the sake of your sincere friend and admirer, A.
+
+"'P.S.  I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds
+are beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.'
+
+
+"This was hall!--Confewshn!  And there stood the footmen sniggerin,
+and that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me!  'Who
+has she gone hoff with?' rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one
+hi) just touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin
+out with the noats to put hoff the brekfst.  It was Silvertop then!
+
+"I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement!
+
+"The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell.  Here it is
+from the Morning Tatler newspaper:--
+
+
+"ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE.
+
+"THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT.
+
+"The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable
+world, has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement
+by an event which has just placed a noble family in great
+perplexity and affliction.
+
+"It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a
+marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble
+Earl, and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world
+have been the theme of general remark.  Yesterday's paper, it was
+supposed, in all human probability would have contained an account
+of the marriage of James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina
+----, daughter of the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres.  The
+preparations for this ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure
+of inspecting the rich trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of
+Pall Mall); the magnificent jewels from the establishment of
+Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant marriage cake, which,
+already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not destined to be eaten by
+the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb carriages, and
+magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style of the
+most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity.  The Right Reverend the Lord
+Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the
+nuptials, and is staying at Mivart's.  What must have been the
+feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of the agonized and
+noble parents of the Lady Angelina--when it was discovered, on the
+day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the
+paternal mansion!  To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble
+niece's departure might have been fatal: we have it from the
+waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was about to indulge in the
+refreshment of turtle soup when the news was brought to him;
+immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann, the celebrated
+surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond Street at
+the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved the
+exemplary patient.  His Lordship will return to the Palace,
+Bullocksmithy, tomorrow.
+
+"The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres
+can be imagined by every paternal heart.  Far be it from us to
+disturb--impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow.
+Our reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's
+mansion in Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and
+his incomparable Countess.  They have been received with a rudeness
+which we deplore but pardon.  One was threatened with a cane;
+another, in the pursuit of his official inquiries, was saluted with
+a pail of water; a third gentleman was menaced in a pugilistic
+manner by his Lordship's porter; but being of an Irish nation, a
+man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College,
+Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment confronted the menial,
+and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring hotel much
+frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and there
+obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of
+this extraordinary occurrence.
+
+"George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of
+Lord Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:--Lady Angelina
+had been promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks.  She
+never could abide that gentleman.  He was the laughter of all the
+servants' hall.  Previous to his elevation he had himself been
+engaged in a domestic capacity.  At that period he had offered
+marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the quality of
+ladies'-maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was employed.  Miss
+Hoggins became subsequently lady's-maid to Lady Angelina--the
+elopement was arranged between those two.  It was Miss Hoggins who
+delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his
+loss.
+
+"Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres,
+was ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a
+cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street.  He selected the cab No.
+19,796, driven by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from
+Clonakilty, in the neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more
+anon), and waited, according to his instructions, at the corner of
+Berkeley Square with his vehicle.  His young lady, accompanied by
+her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a band-box, presently
+arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what were the contents
+of that box we have never been able to ascertain.  On asking her
+Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any particular
+direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the eminent
+milliner in Cavendish Square.  On requesting to know whether he
+should accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by
+Miss Hoggins to go about his business.
+
+"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab
+19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered
+with no small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park,
+Lincoln's Inn Fields, where he lives with his family of nine
+children.  Having received two sovereigns, instead doubtless of two
+shillings (his regular fare, by the way, would have been only one-
+and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab for the two
+last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless intoxication.
+His replies were very incoherent in answer to the queries of our
+reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a compatriot, it
+is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity
+of the public.
+
+"At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A
+GENTLEMAN entered it.  Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER
+gentleman (meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray
+trousers, and black hat and a pea-coat.  He drove the couple TO THE
+EUSTON SQUARE STATION, and there left them.  How he employed his
+time subsequently we have stated.
+
+"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment
+learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman
+answering the above description had taken places to Derby.  We have
+despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train,
+and shall give his report in a second edition.
+
+
+"SECOND EDITION.
+
+"(From our Reporter.)
+
+"NEWCASTLE, Monday.
+
+"I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the 'Elephant and
+Cucumber Hotel.'  A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS.
+JONES, the gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a
+blue band-box, arrived by the train two hours before me, and have
+posted onwards to SCOTLAND.  I have ordered four horses, and write
+this on the hind boot, as they are putting to.
+
+
+"THIRD EDITION.
+
+"GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening.
+
+"The mystery is at length solved.  This afternoon, at four o'clock,
+the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage
+between George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th
+Hussars, third son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall,
+Yorkshire, and Lady Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of
+the present Earl of Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia
+Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta,
+daughter of the last-named Earl Bareacres.
+
+
+(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book
+of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not
+be repeated here.)
+
+
+"After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight
+refreshment of sherry and water--the former the Captain pronounced
+to be execrable; and, having myself tasted some glasses from the
+VERY SAME BOTTLE with which the young and noble pair were served, I
+must say I think the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the
+'Bagpipes Hotel and Posting-House,' whence they instantly proceeded.
+I follow them as soon as the horses have fed.
+
+
+"FOURTH EDITION.
+
+"SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER.
+
+"WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B.  Monday, Midnight.
+
+"I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the
+newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace,
+reached Whistlebinkie.  They have taken up their residence at the
+'Cairngorm Arms'--mine is at the other hostelry, the 'Clachan of
+Whistlebinkie.'
+
+"On driving up to the 'Cairngorm Arms,' I found a gentleman of
+military appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in
+smoking a cigar.  It was very dark as I descended from my carriage,
+and the gentleman in question exclaimed, 'Is it you, Southdown my
+boy?  You have come too late; unless you are come to have some
+supper;' or words to that effect.  I explained that I was not the
+Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely apprised Captain Silvertop
+(for I justly concluded the individual before me could be no other)
+of his mistake.
+
+"'Who the deuce' (the Captain used a stronger term) 'are you,
+then?' said Mr. Silvertop.  'Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle's
+attorneys?  If you are, you have come too late for the fair.'
+
+"I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my
+name was J--ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the
+establishment of the Morning Tatler newspaper.
+
+"'And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?' asked my
+interlocutor, rather roughly.  My answer was frank--that the
+disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had
+caused the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my
+employers were anxious to give the public every particular
+regarding an event so singular.
+
+"'And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way
+from London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the
+readers of the Morning Tatler newspaper?  The Morning Tatter be ----
+(the Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not
+repeat) and you too, sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.'
+
+"'Scoundrel, sir!' said I.  'Yes,' replied the irate gentleman,
+seizing me rudely by the collar--and he would have choked me, but
+that my blue satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left
+in the hands of this GENTLEMAN.  'Help, landlord!' I loudly
+exclaimed, adding, I believe, 'murder,' and other exclamations of
+alarm.  In vain I appealed to the crowd, which by this time was
+pretty considerable; they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst
+into laughter, and called out, 'Give it him, Captain.'  A struggle
+ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have had the better, but
+that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general and indecent
+hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and said,
+'Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day.  Go into the tap,
+Jims, and order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense--and mind
+I don't see your face to-morrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly
+than it is.'
+
+"With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr.
+Silvertop entered the inn.  I need not say that I did not partake
+of his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults.  I
+make them known that they may call down the indignation of the body
+of which I am a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the
+public, as a gentleman shamefully assaulted and insulted in the
+discharge of a public duty."
+
+
+"Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of
+my busm, and my art was left bleading.  Hangelina! I forgive thee.
+Mace thou be appy!  If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed
+on i, the beink on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations
+to Evn in your be1/2!
+
+"I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of
+Hangelina's departur.  She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard
+the fatle noose.  Purshoot was vain.  Suppose I DID kitch her up,
+they were married, and what could we do?  This sensable remark I
+made to Earl Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated
+with me.  Er who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I
+never from that momink sor agin.  My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c.,
+were sent back--with the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl,
+which her Ladyship COODN'T FIND.  Ony it was whispered that at the
+nex buthday she was seen with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN.
+Let er keep it.
+
+"Southdown was phurius.  He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted
+me adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister--
+but I wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh--there was no more
+money for THAT famly.  So he went away, and gave huttrance to his
+feelinx in a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel
+Assombly.
+
+"All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers,
+hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their
+bills, haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants.
+That madniss didn't seaze me that night was a mussy.  Fever, fewry,
+and rayge rack'd my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my
+throbbink ilids.  Hall night I follered Hangelinar in imadganation
+along the North Road.  I wented cusses & mallydickshuns on the
+hinfamus Silvertop.  I kickd and rord in my unhuttarable whoe!  I
+seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it, strangled it.  Ha
+har!  I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint grasp; and taw
+the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible strenth of my
+despare! . . .  Let me drop a cutting over the memries of that
+night.  When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning,
+the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De
+la Pluche!
+
+"'Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed.  I
+had not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged
+elseware.  Hevns & huth!--what was it I red there?  What was it
+that made me spring outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?--I
+red Rewin in that Share-list--the Pannick was in full hoparation!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is
+familliar?  My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which
+lassarated my bleeding art in Hoctober last.  On the fust of
+Hawgust where was I?  Director of twenty-three Companies; older of
+scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at least a quarter of a
+millium.  On Lord Mare's day my Saint Helenas quotid at 14 pm, were
+down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at 3/8 discount; my Table
+Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my Bathershins and
+Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account at 17
+primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central Oregons,
+prostrit.  There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be alive
+to write my own tail!"
+
+(Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad
+calculations, which we pretermit.)
+
+"Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me
+a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-
+sixpence: woodn't advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of
+scrip; kep me waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and
+then sent out Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't
+discount my paper, and implawed me to clothes my account.  I did: I
+paid the three-and-six balliance, and never sor 'em mor.
+
+"The market fell daily.  The Rewin grew wusser and wusser.
+Hagnies, Hagnies! it wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came
+upon me.  They beerded me in my own ome.  The biddle who kips watch
+at the Halbany wodn keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs.
+Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution
+into my apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furniture.
+'Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.'  What an adwertisement
+George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was collected to
+laff at the prospick of my ruing!  My chice plait; my seller of
+wine; my picturs--that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless
+her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all--all went to the ammer.
+That brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt
+me on the sholder, and said, 'Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into
+suvvis aginn.'
+
+"I DID go into suvvis--the wust of all suvvices--I went into the
+Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6
+mortial weeks.  Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble
+altogether; there was sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner.
+I had visitors.  A cart used to drive hup to the prizn gates of
+Saturdays; a washywoman's cart, with a fat old lady in it, and a
+young one.  Who was that young one?  Every one who has an art can
+gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann!  'Shall
+we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?' Mary Hann said.
+Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral:
+but I didn't go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed
+man.  Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out!
+I'd thirteen shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring.  I
+wasn't prowd.  I turned the mangle for three weeks; and then Uncle
+Bill said, 'Well, there IS some good in the feller;' and it was
+agreed that we should marry."
+
+The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw
+the accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate.
+We are happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a
+prosperous one.
+
+The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of
+Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina
+Silvertop.  Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to
+the venerable prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy,
+of which he had been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and
+where he married three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral
+Church of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy.
+
+The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved.  As he was
+preparing a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the
+Lord Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler,
+bringing in his accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper,
+discovered the venerable form extended on the Turkey carpet with a
+glass of Madeira in his hand; but life was extinct: and surgical
+aid was therefore not particularly useful.
+
+All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man
+increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in
+during his episcopacy, &c.  He left three hundred thousand pounds--
+divided between his nephew and niece--not a greater sum than has
+been left by several deceased Irish prelates.
+
+What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon
+to state.  He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy,
+which does him infinite credit.  But we are happy to state that Lady
+Angelina Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and
+affectionate servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr.
+James Plush, to whom her Ladyship also made a handsome present--
+namely, the lease, good-will, and fixtures of the "Wheel of Fortune"
+public-house, near Shepherd's Market, May Fair: a house greatly
+frequented by all the nobility's footmen, doing a genteel stroke of
+business in the neighborhood, and where, as we have heard, the
+"Butlers' Club" is held.
+
+Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife:
+reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler
+and a higher one before.  He has shaved off his whiskers, and
+accommodates himself to an apron with perfect good humor.  A
+gentleman connected with this establishment dined at the "Wheel of
+Fortune" the other day, and collected the above particulars.  Mr.
+Plush blushed rather, as he brought in the first dish, and told his
+story very modestly over a pint of excellent port.  He had only one
+thing in life to complain of, he said--that a witless version of
+his adventures had been produced at the Princess's theatre,
+"without with your leaf or by your leaf," as he expressed it.  "Has
+for the rest," the worthy fellow said, "I'm appy--praps betwixt you
+and me I'm in my proper spear.  I enjy my glass of beer or port
+(with your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much as my
+clarrit in my prawsprus days.  I've a good busniss, which is likely
+to be better.  If a man can't be appy with such a wife as my Mary
+Hann, he's a beest: and when a christening takes place in our
+famly, will you give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be
+godfather."
+
+
+
+LETTERS OF JEAMES.
+
+
+JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS.
+
+
+"Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety
+the follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an
+olesome warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents.
+
+"Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable
+cludgyman in the West of Hengland.  Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel
+T----, of the Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young
+man was sent to Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where
+he was very nearly being Senior Rangler.  He came to London to
+study for the lor.  His prospix was bright indead; and he lived in
+a secknd flore in Jerming Street, having a ginteal inkum of two
+hundred lbs. per hannum.
+
+"With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted
+for nothink.  Nor did he.  He was a moral and well-educated young
+man, who took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots;
+cleaned his kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to
+dine out, took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club--
+where (unless somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed
+his alf-pint of Marsally Wine.
+
+"Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the
+world.  Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn't long
+befor sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i;
+one, ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of
+the Heast-Injar Derector of that name.  As she was the richest gal
+of all the season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her.  His
+haspirations were on the pint of being crowndid with success; and
+it was agreed that as soon as he was called to the bar, when he
+would sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord
+Chanslor, he should lead her to the halter.
+
+"What life could be more desirable than Frederick's?  He gave up
+his mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent
+pleader; he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb,
+or with his hadord Hemily.  He had no cares; no detts; no
+egstravigancies; he never was known to ride in a cabb, unless one
+of his tip-top friends lent it him; to go to a theayter unless he
+got a horder; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar.  If
+prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that young man.
+
+"But SUCKMSTANCES arose.  Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick
+Timmins.  The Railway Hoperations began.
+
+"For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations
+of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took
+no note of railroads.  He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution
+which with hiron strides was a walkin over the country.  But they
+began to be talked of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford
+and Cambridge Clubb, fellers were a speculatin.  Tom Thumper (of
+Brasen Nose) cleared four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter),
+who had lost all his proppaty gambling, had set himself up again;
+and Jack Deuceace, who had won it, had won a small istate besides
+by lucky specklations in the Share Markit.
+
+"HEVERY BODY WON.  'Why shouldn't I?' thought pore Fred; and having
+saved 100 lb., he began a writin for shares--using, like an
+ickonominicle feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious
+igstent.  All the Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to
+shares--the allottments came tumbling in--he took the primmiums by
+fifties and hundreds a day.  His desk was cramd full of bank notes:
+his brane world with igsitement.
+
+"He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day
+about Capel Court.  He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole
+talk was of railroad lines.  His desk at Mr. Bluebag's was filled
+full of prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred's uncle,
+to say he feared he was neglectin his bisniss.
+
+"Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous
+habits.  He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to
+Greenwich or Richmond.  He didn't see his Hemily near so often:
+although the hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so
+much more heasily now than before: for now he kep a Broom!
+
+"But there's a tumminus to hevery Railway.  Fred's was approachin:
+in an evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS.  Let this be a
+warning to all young fellers, and Fred's huntimely hend hoperate on
+them in a moral pint of vu!
+
+"You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican
+Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo
+(Provishnal) Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit
+ninepence per share of 20L. (six elephant's teeth, twelve tons of
+palm-oil, or four healthy niggers, African currency)--the shares of
+this helegeble investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit.  A happy
+man was Fred when, after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he
+sold his shares for 250L.  He gave a dinner at the 'Star and
+Garter' that very day.  I promise you there was no Marsally THERE.
+
+"Nex day they were up at 3 1/4.  This put Fred in a rage: they rose
+to 5, he was in a fewry.  'What an ass I was to sell,' said he,
+'when all this money was to be won!'
+
+"'And so you WERE an Ass,' said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw,
+K.X.R., a director of the line, 'a double-eared Ass.  My dear
+fellow, the shares will be at 15 next week.  Will you give me your
+solemn word of honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going
+to tell you?'
+
+"'Honor bright,' says Fred.
+
+"'HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.'  Fred didn't say a word more, but
+went tumbling down to the City in his Broom.  You know the state of
+the streets.  Claw WENT BY WATER.
+
+"'Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,' cries Fred, busting
+into his broker's; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"Can't you guess the rest?  Haven't you seen the Share List? which
+says:--
+
+     "'Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.'
+
+"And that's what came of my pore dear friend Timmins's time-barging.
+
+"What'll become of him I can't say; for nobody has seen him since.
+His lodgins in Jerming Street is to let.  His brokers in vain
+deplores his absence.  His Uncle has declared his marriage with his
+housekeeper; and the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a
+paragraf yesterday in the fashnabble news, headed 'Marriage in High
+Life.--The rich and beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland
+Place, is to be speedily united to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.'
+
+"JEAMES."
+
+
+
+JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.
+
+
+"You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the
+haltered linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble
+mislny were once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly
+so selabrated in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush,
+landlord of the 'Wheel of Fortune' public house.  Yes, that is me;
+that is my haypun which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the
+checkers which hornyment the pillows of my dor.  I am like the
+Romin Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun.  I,
+who have drunk Shampang in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of
+Small Bier.  As for my wife--that Angel--I've not ventured to
+depigt HER.  Fansy her a sittn in the Bar, smiling like a sunflower
+and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing a deer little darlint
+totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i's to a T!
+
+
+* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+
+"I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but
+a Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with
+all my sole I ABAW.  Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup,
+ginteal inquirys as to my Salissator's name, &c. &c., I dispize and
+scorn artily.  But as a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon
+Brittn, my jewty compels me to come forwoods, and igspress my
+opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the break of Gage.
+
+"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very
+nearly had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when
+the Lady Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres,
+presented the gallant Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair.
+Nothink would satasfy her Ladyship but that her old and attacht
+famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this
+hospicious occasion.  Captain S---- was not jellus of me on account
+of my former attachment to his Lady.  I cunsented that my Mary Hann
+should attend her, and me, my wife, and our dear babby acawdingly
+set out for our noable frend's residence, Honeymoon Lodge, near
+Cheltenham.
+
+"Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4,
+but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon
+Railroad travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds.  We set out
+by the Great Westn, in an eavle Hour.
+
+"We didnt take much luggitch--my wife's things in the ushal
+bandboxes--mine in a potmancho.  Our dear little James Angelo's
+(called so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a
+small supply of a few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious
+food, and Lady's fingers, for that dear child, who is now 6 months
+old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE.  Likewise we were charged with
+a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary & Morris,
+containing enough Rewbub, Daffy's Alixir, Godfrey's cawdle, with
+a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina's family and owsehold:
+about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary's in
+Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big
+enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked 'Glass,' from her
+ladyship's meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to
+this an ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace
+hangings, held up by a gold tuttle-dove, &c.  We had, ingluding
+James Hangelo's rattle & my umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.
+
+"We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid
+Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet
+spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn
+upon this Art which I shoodn't like Mary Hann to know--and here, to
+our infanit disgust, we changed carridges.  I forgot to say that we
+were in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23
+other light harticles.
+
+"Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage.  I cast my
+hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse;
+but seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on
+an Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--'James,' says Mary
+Hann, 'instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young
+neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the
+other carridge.'  I did so with an evy Art.  I eranged them 23
+articles in the opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby's
+rattle; and jest as I came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of
+a bell rings, the whizzling injians proclayms the time of our
+departure,--& farewell soop and cottn velvet.  Mary Hann was sulky.
+She said it was my losing the umberella.  If it had been a COTTON
+VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood.  James Hangelo sittn on
+my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: & for 20 miles
+that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the
+passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly.
+
+"We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged
+to undergo another change of carridges!  Fansy me holding up
+moughs, tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring
+still like mad, and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of
+our luggage from the broad gage to the narrow gage.  'Mary Hann,'
+says I, rot to desperation, 'I shall throttle this darling if he
+goes on.'  'Do,' says she--'and GO INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,' says
+she--a snatchin the babby out of my arms.  Do go,' says she, youre
+not fit to look after luggage,' and she began lulling James Hangelo
+to sleep with one hi, while she looked after the packets with the
+other.  Now, Sir! if you please, mind that packet!--pretty darling--
+easy with that box, Sir, its glass--pooooty poppet--where's the
+deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?' she cried, reading out of a
+list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep.  The porters
+were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more
+ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball.
+
+"At last--bang goes a package marked 'Glass,' and containing the
+Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres' mixture, into a large white
+bandbox, with a crash and a smash.  'It's My Lady's box from
+Crinoline's!' cries Mary Hann; and she puts down the child on the
+bench, and rushes forward to inspect the dammidge.  You could hear
+the Chayny bowls clinking inside; and Lady B.'s mixture (which had
+the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was dribbling out over the
+smashed bandbox containing a white child's cloak, trimmed with
+Blown lace and lined with white satting.
+
+"As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I
+thought I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little
+soup; so I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma,
+and went off.  There's not near such good attendance as at Swindon.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered
+with a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not
+speak for some minutes.  At last she spoke out--
+
+"'Have you all the small parcels?'
+
+"'Twenty-three in all,' says I.
+
+"'Then give me baby.'
+
+"'Give you what?' says I.
+
+"'Give me baby.'
+
+"'What, haven't y-y-yoooo got him?' says I.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"O Mussy!  You should have heard her sreak!  WE'D LEFT HIM ON THE
+LEDGE AT GLOSTER.
+
+"It all came of the break of gage."
+
+
+
+MR. JEAMES AGAIN.
+
+
+"DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my
+privit ressddence, 'The Wheel of Fortune Otel,' and at your Hoffis,
+regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose
+primmiture dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted
+parents, I must begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of
+your valuble collams once more, and hease the public mind about my
+blessid boy.
+
+"Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush
+was left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most
+disgreeble of complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART.  The skreems of
+Mrs. Jeames might be said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying,
+as we rusht into that fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found
+it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my lapp.
+
+"When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at
+the train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the
+luggitch, her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady
+Hangelina's baby, the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one
+immortial smash; the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann,
+as if it was huss, and not the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to
+blame; and as if we ad no misfortns of our hown to deplaw.  She
+bust out about my stupid imparence; called Mary Hann a good for
+nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on about her broken
+Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear little
+Christian child.  'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby'
+(seshe); 'where's my bowl?--where's my medsan?--where's my
+bewtiffle Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you
+brute, you!'
+
+"'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,' says I, quite
+riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen.  'Ask the pawters at
+Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it's not the fust time they've
+been asked the question.  Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time
+you send for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the "Plow"--they keep
+it very good and strong there, I'll be bound.  Has for us, WE'RE a
+going back to the cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid
+child.'
+
+"'You don't mean to say, young woman,' seshe, 'that you're not
+going to Lady Hangelina: what's her dear boy to do? who's to nuss
+it?'
+
+"'YOU nuss it, Maam,' says I.  'Me and Mary Hann return this momint
+by the Fly.'  And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames
+and I lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad
+back to Gloster.
+
+"I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride.  She sat in
+the carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air.
+When we got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris,
+and rusht to the station, up to the fatle Bench.
+
+"'My child, my child,' shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice.  'Where's
+my infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,--dear Mr.
+Policeman, give it me--a thousand guineas for it.'
+
+"'Faix, Mam,' says the man, a Hirishman, 'and the divvle a babby
+have I seen this day except thirteen of my own--and you're welcome
+to any one of THEM, and kindly.'
+
+"'As if HIS babby was equal to ours,' as my darling Mary Hann said,
+afterwards.  All the station was scrouging round us by this time--
+pawters & clarx and refreshmint people and all.  'What's this year
+row about that there babby?' at last says the Inspector, stepping
+hup.  I thought my wife was going to jump into his harms.  'Have
+you got him?' says she.
+
+"'Was it a child in a blue cloak?' says he.
+
+"'And blue eyse!' says my wife.
+
+"'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he's there by
+this time.  The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a
+letter-box,' says he: 'he went 20 minutes ago.  We found him on the
+broad gauge line, and sent him on by it, in course,' says he.  'And
+it'll be a caution to you, young woman, for the future, to label
+your children along with the rest of your luggage.'
+
+"If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may
+emadgine I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak.  As
+it was, we was obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train
+(4 ears they seemed to us), and then away we went.
+
+"'My boy! my little boy!' says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got
+there.  'A parcel in a blue cloak?' says the man.  'No body claimed
+him here, and so we sent him back by the mail.  An Irish nurse here
+gave him some supper, and he's at Paddington by this time.  Yes,'
+says he, looking at the clock, 'he's been there these ten minutes.'
+
+"But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state, this good-
+naterd man says, 'I think, my dear, there's a way to ease your
+mind.  We'll know in five minutes how he is.'
+
+"'Sir,' says she, 'don't make sport of me.'
+
+"'No, my dear, we'll TELEGRAPH him.'
+
+"And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle
+inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the
+twinkling of a peg-post.
+
+"'I'll ask,' says he, 'for child marked G. W. 273.'
+
+"Back comes the telegraph with the sign, 'All right.'
+
+"'Ask what he's doing, sir,' says my wife, quite amazed.  Back
+comes the answer in a Jiffy--
+
+"'C. R. Y. I. N. G.'
+
+"This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann,
+who pull'd a very sad face.
+
+"The good-naterd feller presently said, 'he'd have another trile;'
+and what d'ye think was the answer?  I'm blest if it wasn't--
+
+"'P. A. P.'
+
+"He was eating pap!  There's for you--there's a rogue for you--
+there's a March of Intaleck!  Mary Hann smiled now for the fust
+time.  'He'll sleep now,' says she.  And she sat down with a full
+hart.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE
+need never ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel,' I
+promise you--where me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and
+where only yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in
+our bar.
+
+
+* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.
+
+
+"And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most
+precious luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this
+year way, why it won't be for want of warning, both from Professor
+Harris, the Commission, and from
+
+"My dear Mr. Punch's obeajent servant,
+
+"JEAMES PLUSH."
+
+
+
+
+THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+"TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION."
+
+
+I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public
+I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name.  My card,
+as I leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as
+follows:--
+
+
+     MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S.,
+
+     Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse,
+
+                                 AHMEDNUGGAR.
+
+
+Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid
+any of those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so
+frequent of late.  There has been no end to the blunders regarding
+this humble title of mine, and the confusion thereby created.  When
+I published my volume of poems, for instance, the Morning Post
+newspaper remarked "that the Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan,
+may be ranked among the sweetest flowrets of the present spring
+season."  The Quarterly Review, commenting upon my Observations on
+the Pons Asinorum" (4to. London, 1836), called me "Doctor Gahagan,"
+and so on.  It was time to put an end to these mistakes, and I have
+taken the above simple remedy.
+
+I was urged to it by a very exalted personage.  Dining in August
+last at the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss
+of Orl--ns (who, though she does not speak English, understands
+it as well as I do,) said to me in the softest Teutonic, "Lieber
+Herr Major, haben sie den Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion
+gelassen?"  "Warum denn?" said I, quite astonished at her R---l
+H-----ss's question.  The P---cess then spoke of some trifle from
+my pen, which was simply signed Goliah Gahagan.
+
+There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question.
+
+"Comment donc?" said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count
+Mole; "le cher Major a quitte l'armee!  Nicolas donc sera maitre de
+l'Inde!  "H. M---- and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation
+in a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state
+of confusion.  I blushed and stuttered, and murmured out a few
+incoherent words to explain--but it would not do--I could not
+recover my equanimity during the course of the dinner and while
+endeavoring to help an English Duke, my neighbor, to poulet a
+l'Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms and three large greasy
+croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill.  Another laugh at my
+expense. "Ah! M. le Major," said the Q---- of the B-lg--ns, archly,
+"vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel."  Her M----y's joke
+will be better understood when I state that his Grace is the
+brother of a Minister.
+
+I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by
+mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little
+anecdote.  I only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman,
+and live at least in DECENT society.  Verbum sat.
+
+But to be serious.  I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah
+in full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who
+was also a Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a
+duel, as the public most likely knows.  Poor Greg! a very trivial
+dispute was the cause of our quarrel, which never would have
+originated but for the similarity of our names.  The circumstance
+was this: I had been lucky enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow
+some trifling service (in the notorious affair of Choprasjee
+Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a gold toothpick-case directed
+to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course thought was for me: my
+brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the consequence was, that
+in about three minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut
+6), which effectually did his business:--he was a good swordsman
+enough--I was THE BEST in the universe.  The most ridiculous part
+of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all--he
+had left it on the Nawaub's table at tiffin.  I can't conceive what
+madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble; he had
+much better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined
+to have it.  From this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader
+will perceive that my life has been one of no ordinary interest;
+and, in fact, I may say that I have led a more remarkable life than
+any man in the service--I have been at more pitched battles, led
+more forlorn hopes, had more success among the fair sex, drunk
+harder, read more, and been a handsomer man than any officer now
+serving her Majesty.
+
+When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of
+seventeen, with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic
+at all kinds of exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody
+else who would trust me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full
+pay of 120L. a year.  I need not say that with all these advantages
+I did that which a number of clever fellows have done before me--I
+fell in love, and proposed to marry immediately.
+
+But how to overcome the difficulty?--It is true that I loved Julia
+Jowler--loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a
+Member of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign.
+It was, however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of
+the "Samuel Snob" East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely
+creature, and my misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with
+her.  We were not out of the Channel before I adored her,
+worshipped the deck which she trod upon, kissed a thousand times
+the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit.  The same madness fell on
+every man in the ship.  The two mates fought about her at the Cape;
+the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from disappointed affection,
+took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten spontaneous
+combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven
+daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs.
+L., and made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me,
+with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs.
+Duffy, although he had had nineteen children by her.
+
+We used to call her the witch--there was magic in her beauty and in
+her voice.  I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark
+staring mad when she looked at me!  O lustrous black eyes!--O
+glossy night-black ringlets!--O lips!--O dainty frocks of white
+muslin!--O tiny kid slippers!--though old and gouty, Gahagan sees
+you still!  I recollect, off Ascension, she looked at me in her
+particular way one day at dinner, just as I happened to be blowing
+on a piece of scalding hot green fat.  I was stupefied at once--I
+thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound) into my mouth.  I
+made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but left it there
+for many minutes, burning, burning!  I had no skin to my palate for
+seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest of the
+voyage.  The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia
+Jowler over me.
+
+The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of
+storms, shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so
+forth, that (although I have experienced each of these in many
+varieties) I think it quite unnecessary to recount such trifling
+adventures; suffice it to say, that during our five months' trajet,
+my mad passion for Julia daily increased; so did the captain's and
+the surgeon's; so did Colonel Lilywhite's; so did the doctor's, the
+mate's--that of most part of the passengers, and a considerable
+number of the crew.  For myself, I swore--ensign as I was--I would
+win her for my wife; I vowed that I would make her glorious with my
+sword--that as soon as I had made a favorable impression on my
+commanding officer (which I did not doubt to create), I would lay
+open to him the state of my affections, and demand his daughter's
+hand.  With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage continue
+and conclude.
+
+We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December,
+1802, and then for the moment Julia and I separated.  She was
+carried off to her papa's arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at
+least forty hookahbadars; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by
+two dandies and a solitary beasty (by which unnatural name these
+blackamoors are called), made his way humbly to join the regiment
+at head-quarters.
+
+The --th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of
+Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and
+Europe by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles--so great
+was its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in
+that delightful district of India.  Major Sir George Gutch was next
+in command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta
+through the body, was second Major.  We were on the eve of that
+remarkable war which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of
+India, to call forth the valor of a Wellesley, and the indomitable
+gallantry of a Gahagan; which was illustrated by our victories at
+Ahmednuggar (where I was the first over the barricade at the
+storming of the Pettah); at Argaum, where I slew with my own sword
+twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in two; and by that
+terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would have been beaten but
+for me--me alone: I headed nineteen charges of cavalry, took (aided
+by only four men of my own troop) seventeen field-pieces, killing
+the scoundrelly French artillerymen; on that day I had eleven
+elephants shot under me, and carried away Scindiah's nose-ring with
+a pistol-ball.  Wellesley is a Duke and a Marshal, I but a simple
+Major of Irregulars.  Such is fortune and war!  But my feelings
+carry me away from my narrative, which had better proceed with more
+order.
+
+On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first
+time put on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue
+swallow-tailed jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented
+with about 3,000 sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-colored leather
+inexpressibles (tights), and red morocco boots with silver spurs
+and tassels, set off to admiration the handsome persons of the
+officers of our corps.  We wore powder in those days; and a
+regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded
+by leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather, gave
+the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more
+easily imagined than described.
+
+Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself
+before Colonel Jowler.  He was habited in a manner precisely
+similar, but not being more than five feet in height, and weighing
+at least fifteen stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite
+so much as slimmer and taller men.  Flanked by his tall Majors,
+Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like a stumpy skittle-ball between two
+attenuated skittles.  The plump little Colonel received me with
+vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime favorite with
+himself and the other officers of the corps.  Jowler was the most
+hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love together,
+I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet
+presence of Julia.
+
+I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those
+early days, that this Miss Jowler--on whom I had lavished my first
+and warmest love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and
+purity--was no better than a little impudent flirt, who played with
+my feelings, because during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no
+other toy to play with; and who deserted others for me, and me for
+others, just as her whim or her interest might guide her.  She had
+not been three weeks at head-quarters when half the regiment was in
+love with her.  Each and all of the candidates had some favor to
+boast of, or some encouraging hopes on which to build.  It was the
+scene of the "Samuel Snob" over again, only heightened in interest
+by a number of duels.  The following list will give the reader a
+notion of some of them:--
+
+
+1.  Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners.
+Hicks received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity
+of carroty whisker forced down his throat with the ball.
+
+2.  Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan.  I was run
+through the body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and
+injured me very slightly.
+
+3.  Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S.,
+Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo
+grounds, Ramgolly branch.
+
+
+Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's-play, and he might have
+come off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the
+civilian placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his
+stomach.  A remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account
+of which I sent home to the "Philosophical Transactions:" the
+surgeon had extracted the ball, and was going off, thinking that
+all was well, when the gold repeater struck thirteen in poor
+Macgillicuddy's abdomen.  I suppose that the works must have been
+disarranged in some way by the bullet, for the repeater was one of
+Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the circumstance
+occurred at SEVEN o'clock.*
+
+
+* So admirable are the performances of these watches, which will
+stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor Macgillicuddy
+relate the following fact.  The hours, as it is known, count in
+Italy from one to twenty-four: the day Mac landed at Naples his
+repeater rung the Italian hours, from one to twenty-four; as soon
+as he crossed the Alps it only sounded as usual.--G. O'G. G.
+
+
+I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which
+this Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should
+think, satisfy the peaceful reader.  I delight not in scenes of
+blood, heaven knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few
+weeks, and for the sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels
+myself, and I know that four times as many more took place
+concerning her.
+
+I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had
+been born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had
+married from the house of her mother, a native.  There were some
+singular rumors abroad regarding this latter lady's history: it was
+reported that she was the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been
+carried off by a poor English subaltern in Lord Clive's time.  The
+young man was killed very soon after, and left his child with its
+mother.  The black Prince forgave his daughter and bequeathed to
+her a handsome sum of money.  I suppose that it was on this account
+that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who had not, I do believe,
+a Christian name, or a single Christian quality: she was a hideous,
+bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, and red eyes:
+she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy--she hated and was hated by
+all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any
+other.  She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent
+most of her time with her native friends.  I wonder how she could
+have given birth to so lovely a creature as her daughter.  This
+woman was of course with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the
+spice of the devil in her daughter's composition was most carefully
+nourished and fed by her.  If Julia had been a flirt before, she
+was a downright jilt now; she set the whole cantonment by the ears;
+she made wives jealous and husbands miserable; she caused all those
+duels of which I have discoursed already, and yet such was the
+fascination of THE WITCH that I still thought her an angel.  I made
+court to the nasty mother in order to be near the daughter; and I
+listened untiringly to Jowler's interminable dull stories, because
+I was occupied all the time in watching the graceful movements of
+Miss Julia.
+
+But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the
+battle-field Gahagan is a man!  The Bundelcund Invincibles received
+orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and
+prepared to part from his Andromache.  And now arose his
+perplexity: what must be done with his daughter, his Julia?  He
+knew his wife's peculiarities of living, and did not much care to
+trust his daughter to her keeping; but in vain he tried to find her
+an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment.  Lady Gutch
+offered to receive her, but would have nothing to do with Mrs.
+Jowler; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have neither mother
+nor daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her mother must
+have a house together, and Jowler knew that his wife would fill it
+with her odious blackamoor friends.
+
+I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I
+learned from Julia my fate.  I watched twenty opportunities to see
+her alone, and wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer
+does about a public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings
+of the family, and longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler,
+unbiassed by her mother or her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my
+eloquence, and melt at the tale of my love.
+
+But it would not do--old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a
+sudden to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him
+out of doors, and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin
+gave the first idea of our regimental breeches), who before had
+been gadding ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose into
+every menage in the cantonment, stopped faithfully at home with her
+spouse.  My only chance was to beard the old couple in their den,
+and ask them at once for their cub.
+
+So I called one day at tiffin:--old Jowler was always happy to have
+my company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink
+Hodgson's pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the
+first year I was in Bengal)--and it was no small piece of fun,
+certainly, to see old Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;--she was
+exactly the color of it, as I have had already the honor to remark,
+and she swallowed the mixture with a gusto which was never
+equalled, except by my poor friend Dando apropos d'huitres.  She
+consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon, like a
+Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would throw
+away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards her, go
+to work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with her
+fingers, and stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a
+sepoy company.  But why do I diverge from the main point of my
+story?
+
+Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl
+was in the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered.  "How do
+you do, Mr. Gagin?" said the old hag, leeringly.  "Eat a bit o'
+currie-bhaut,"--and she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap
+as it passed.  "What! Gagy my boy, how do, how do?" said the fat
+Colonel.  "What! run through the body?--got well again--have some
+Hodgson--run through your body too!"--and at this, I may say,
+coarse joke (alluding to the fact that in these hot climates the
+ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the skin) old Jowler
+laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices, consomahs,
+and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, unasked, with the
+grateful fluid.  Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused nervously
+for a moment, and then said--
+
+"Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga."
+
+The black ruffians took the hint and retired.
+
+"Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are alone; and you,
+Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is--I mean--I take this
+opportunity to--(another glass of ale, if you please)--to express,
+once for all, before departing on a dangerous campaign"--(Julia
+turned pale)--"before entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch
+in the dust my high-raised hopes and me, to express my hopes while
+life still remains to me, and to declare in the face of heaven,
+earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia!"  The Colonel,
+astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck quivering for some
+minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded not the paltry
+interruption.  "Yes, by yon bright heaven," continued I, "I love
+you, Julia!  I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and
+beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a
+return of my affection.  Say that you love me, and I will do such
+deeds in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of
+your Gahagan."
+
+The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared,
+snapped, and ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey.  Julia was
+now red, now white; the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork
+out of the calf of my leg, wiped it, and then seized a bundle of
+letters which I had remarked by his side.
+
+"A cornet!" said he, in a voice choking with emotion; "a pitiful,
+beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler!  Gag,
+Gahagan, are you mad, or laughing at us?  Look at these letters,
+young man--at these letters, I say--one hundred and twenty-four
+epistles from every part of India (not including one from the
+Governor-General, and six from his brother, Colonel Wellesley,)--
+one hundred and twenty-four proposals for the hand of Miss Jowler!
+Cornet Gahagan," he continued, "I wish to think well of you: you
+are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the handsomest man
+in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee.  You ask me for
+Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!"--(Here the old rogue
+grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).--"No, no," said he,
+waxing good-natured; "Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense!  Julia, love,
+retire with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and
+smoke a pipe with me."
+
+I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+I am not going to give here an account of my military services;
+they will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty
+volumes, which I am now preparing for the press.  I was with my
+regiment in all Wellesley's brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk,
+I travelled across the country north-eastward, and had the honor of
+fighting by the side of Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad,
+Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore: but I will not boast of my actions--the
+military man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN appreciates them.  If asked
+who was the bravest man of the Indian army, there is not an officer
+belonging to it who would not cry at once, GAHAGAN.  The fact is, I
+was desperate: I cared not for life, deprived of Julia Jowler.
+
+With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern
+refusal in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign,
+again to seek her company or to press my suit.  We were eighteen
+months on service, marching and countermarching, and fighting
+almost every other day: to the world I did not seem altered; but
+the world only saw the face, and not the seared and blighted heart
+within me.  My valor, always desperate, now reached to a pitch of
+cruelty; I tortured my grooms and grass-cutters for the most
+trifling offence or error,--I never in action spared a man,--I
+sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of that
+single campaign.
+
+Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor
+old Jowler.  About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he
+received a parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife had
+retired with her daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh
+upon his spirits, that he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be
+flogged within two days; but it was against the blacks that he
+chiefly turned his wrath.  Our fellows, in the heat and hurry of
+the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather roughly with
+their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they used to pull
+their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, to flog
+them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on.
+Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which before had always
+justly exasperated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used
+now to smile fiercely and say, "D--- the black scoundrels!  Serve
+them right, serve them right!"
+
+One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had
+been on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning
+peaceably to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on
+us from a neighboring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in
+an instant three of my men's saddles were empty, and I was left
+with but seven more to make head against at least thirty of these
+vagabond black horsemen.  I never saw in my life a nobler figure
+than the leader of the troop--mounted on a splendid black Arab: he
+was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he wore a steel cap and a
+shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful French carbine, which had
+already done execution upon two of my men.  I saw that our only
+chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man.  I shouted to
+him in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of course),
+"Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man!"
+
+In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and
+mortally transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me.
+Grinding my teeth and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which
+never yet failed its blow,* and rushed at the Indian.  He came down
+at full gallop, his own sword making ten thousand gleaming circles
+in the air, shrieking his cry of battle.
+
+
+* In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go out with
+small-swords--miserable weapons only fit for tailors.--G. O'G. G.
+
+
+The contest did not last an instant.  With my first blow I cut off
+his sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head.  I
+said that he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six
+inches, and a hood of chain mail.  I rose in my stirrups and
+delivered "ST. GEORGE;" my sword caught the spike exactly on the
+point, split it sheer in two, cut crashing through the steel cap
+and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby which he wore in his back-
+plate.  His head, cut clean in two between the eyebrows and
+nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side on each
+shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my men,
+who were not a little amused at the feat.
+
+As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their
+leader's fate.  I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we
+made a single prisoner, who was instantly carried before old
+Jowler.
+
+We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said
+it was Chowder Loll.
+
+"Chowder Loll!" shrieked Colonel Jowler.  "O fate! thy hand is
+here!"  He rushed wildly into his tent--the next day applied for
+leave of absence.  Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I
+saw him no more for some time.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General
+Lake sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley
+received me with the greatest distinction.  Fancy my surprise, on
+going to a ball at Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler;
+my trembling, blushing, thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his
+side!
+
+Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me.  I thought of my
+former passages with his daughter.  "Gagy my boy," says he, shaking
+hands, glad to see you.  Old friend, Julia--come to tiffin--
+Hodgson's pale--brave fellow Gagy."  Julia did not speak, but she
+turned ashy pale, and fixed upon me her awful eyes!  I fainted
+almost, and uttered some incoherent words.  Julia took my hand,
+gazed at me still, and said, "Come!"  Need I say I went?
+
+I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I
+know, that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had
+been: and that in three weeks I--yes, I--was the accepted lover of
+Julia!  I did not pause to ask where were the one hundred and
+twenty-four offers? why I, refused before, should be accepted now?
+I only felt that I loved her, and was happy!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a
+lover's pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of
+palaces until I came to the house which contained my Julia.  I
+peeped into the compound--all was still; I looked into the veranda--
+all was dark, except a light--yes, one light--and it was in
+Julia's chamber!  My heart throbbed almost to stilling.  I would--I
+WOULD advance, if but to gaze upon her for a moment, and to bless
+her as she slept.  I DID look, I DID advance; and, O heaven! I saw
+a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress, with a very dark baby in
+her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an ayah, who was nursing
+another.
+
+"Oh, mamma," said Julia, "what would that fool Gahagan say if he
+knew all?"
+
+"HE DOES KNOW ALL!" shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down
+the tatties from the window.  Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the
+room, Julia fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their
+d----d nurse fell on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of
+Hindustanee.  Old Jowler at this juncture entered with a candle and
+a drawn sword.
+
+"Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!" shouted I.  "Turn, ruffian, and defend
+yourself!"  But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked
+at his lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room.
+
+Why continue the tale?  I need not now account for Jowler's gloom
+on receiving his letters from Benares--for his exclamation upon the
+death of the Indian chief--for his desire to marry his daughter:
+the woman I was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was
+Mrs. Chowder Loll!
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE.
+
+
+I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of
+some of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have
+endeavored to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the
+statements that I make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or
+good feeling, to steal from me that which is my sole wealth--my
+character as a teller of THE TRUTH.
+
+The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures
+of a profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists,
+none (luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity
+of my statements: they know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON.
+If I can use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible
+weapon, and would answer their contradictions with my sword!  No
+gold or gems adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but there is
+blood upon the blade--the blood of the enemies of my country, and
+the maligners of my honest fame.  There are others, however--the
+disgrace of a disgraceful trade--who, borrowing from distance a
+despicable courage, have ventured to assail me.  The infamous
+editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay Beacon, the Tipperary
+Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other dastardly organs of
+the provincial press, have, although differing in politics, agreed
+upon this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity, vented a
+flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me.
+
+They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully
+perverted history to blacken the reputation of public men.  I ask,
+was any one of these men in Bengal in the year 1803?  Was any
+single conductor of any one of these paltry prints ever in
+Bundelcund or the Rohilla country?  Does this EXQUISITE Tipperary
+scribe know the difference between Hurrygurrybang and Burrumtollah?
+Not he! and because, forsooth, in those strange and distant lands
+strange circumstances have taken place, it is insinuated that the
+relater is a liar: nay, that the very places themselves have no
+existence but in my imagination.  Fools!--but I will not waste my
+anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions of my
+personal history.
+
+It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will
+not venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign
+against Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on
+the Jumna, where he exercised that brilliant little army which was
+speedily to perform such wonders in the Dooab.  It will be as well
+to give a slight account of the causes of a war which was speedily
+to rage through some of the fairest portions of the Indian
+continent.
+
+Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female
+line of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had
+wellnigh hurled Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of
+Bagdad)--Shah Allum, I say, although nominally the Emperor of
+Delhi, was in reality the slave of the various warlike chieftains
+who lorded it by turns over the country and the sovereign, until
+conquered and slain by some more successful rebel.  Chowder Loll
+Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scindiah, and the celebrated
+Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a time complete mastery in
+Delhi.  The second of these, a ruthless Afghan soldier, had
+abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it until he
+had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes
+of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab.  Scindiah came
+to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed
+his oppressor, only increased his slavery; holding him in as
+painful a bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous Afghan.
+
+As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long
+rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle,
+the British Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the
+ears, by no means interfered in the contest.  But the French
+Revolution broke out, and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared
+among the various Indian States, seeking for military service, and
+inflaming the minds of the various native princes against the
+British East India Company.  A number of these entered into
+Scindiah's ranks: one of them, Perron, was commander of his army;
+and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in his hereditary
+quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of an invasion
+of the British territory, the Company all of a sudden discovered
+that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and
+determined to re-establish the ancient splendor of his throne.
+
+Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that
+prompted our governors to take these kindly measures in his favor.
+I don't know how it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor
+Shah was not a whit better off than at the beginning; and that
+though Holkar was beaten, and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was
+much such a puppet as before.  Somehow, in the hurry and confusion
+of this struggle, the oyster remained with the British Government,
+who had so kindly offered to dress it for the Emperor, while his
+Majesty was obliged to be contented with the shell.
+
+The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of
+the Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of
+cavalry and twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by
+General Lake in person.
+
+Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur;
+on the fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name was
+mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the Commander-in-
+Chief's words regarding me--they will spare me the trouble of
+composing my own eulogium:--
+
+"The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high
+sense of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the ---- cavalry.
+In the storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single
+ladder, and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan
+succeeded in escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place.
+Fourteen ditches lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-
+frise, fourteen walls bristling with innumerable artillery and as
+smooth as looking-glasses, were in turn triumphantly passed by that
+enterprising officer.  His course was to be traced by the heaps of
+slaughtered enemies lying thick upon the platforms; and alas! by
+the corpses of most of the gallant men who followed him!--when at
+length he effected his lodgment, and the dastardly enemy, who dared
+not to confront him with arms, let loose upon him the tigers and
+lions of Scindiah's menagerie.  This meritorious officer destroyed,
+with his own hand, four of the largest and most ferocious animals,
+and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOR,
+shrank back to their dens.  Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty
+Goss, havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine
+hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan.  Honor to them! honor and
+tears for the brave men who perished on that awful day!"
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+I  have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of
+September 24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to
+the statement, may refer to the paper itself.
+
+And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so
+marvellously preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss.
+Were I to say that any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through
+this tremendous combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn.  No:
+though my narrative is extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic;
+and never, never would I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of
+effect.  The fact is this:--the citadel of Allyghur is situated
+upon a rock, about a thousand feet above the level of the sea, and
+is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his Excellency was good enough
+to remark in his despatch.  A man who would mount these without
+scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he mounted them
+without such assistance, is a liar and a knave.  We HAD scaling-
+ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was quite
+impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries.
+Mounted on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about
+me, I saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other
+help could be found for our brave fellows to escalade the next
+wall.  It was about seventy feet high.  I instantly turned the guns
+of wall A on wall B, and peppered the latter so as to make, not a
+breach, but a scaling place; the men mounting in the holes made by
+the shot.  By this simple stratagem, I managed to pass each
+successive barrier--for to ascend a wall which the General was
+pleased to call "as smooth as glass" is an absurd impossibility: I
+seek to achieve none such:--
+
+
+     "I dare do all that may become a man,
+      Who dares do more, is neither more nor less."
+
+
+Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one
+of us would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it
+was owing to fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many
+pieces of artillery, arrive we did.  On the platforms, too, our
+work was not quite so difficult as might be imagined--killing these
+fellows was sheer butchery.  As soon as we appeared, they all
+turned and fled helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their
+courage by the fact that out of about seven hundred men killed by
+us, only forty had wounds in front, the rest being bayoneted as
+they ran.
+
+And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting
+out of these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville,
+the second commandant of the fort.  I had observed this man
+(conspicuous for a tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one
+of the walls as we stormed them, and running away the very first
+among the fugitives.  He had all the keys of the gates; and in his
+tremor, as he opened the menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in
+the door, which I seized when the animals were overcome.  Runty
+Goss then opened them one by one, our troops entered, and the
+victorious standard of my country floated on the walls of Allyghur!
+
+When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line
+of fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead
+rhinoceros on which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast.
+But the excitement which had borne me through the fatigues and
+perils of that fearful day failed all of a sudden, and I wept like
+a child upon his shoulder.
+
+Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in
+the power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds
+him in the capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit
+was, therefore, not very rich.  His Excellency had a favorite horn
+snuff-box (for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits
+most simple): of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-
+dried Welsh, which he always took, he made me a present, saying, in
+front of the line, "Accept this, Mr. Gahagan, as a token of respect
+from the first to the bravest officer in the army."
+
+Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that
+fourpence was about the value of this gift: but it has at least
+this good effect--it serves to convince any person who doubts my
+story, that the facts of it are really true.  I have left it at the
+office of my publisher, along with the extract from the Bengal
+Hurkaru, and anybody may examine both by applying in the counting-
+house of Mr. Cunningham.*  That once popular expression, or
+proverb, "are you up to snuff?" arose out of the above circumstance;
+for the officers of my corps, none of whom, except myself, had
+ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me about this modest
+reward for my labors.  Never mind! when they want me to storm a fort
+AGAIN, I shall know better.
+
+
+* The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at Mr.
+Cunningham's office; but it contained no extract from a newspaper,
+and does not QUITE prove that he killed a rhinoceros and stormed
+fourteen intrenchments at the siege of Allyghur.
+
+
+Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress,
+Perron, who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in
+to us, with his family and treasure, and was passed over to the
+French settlements at Chandernagur.  Bourquien took his command,
+and against him we now moved.  The morning of the 11th of September
+found us upon the plains of Delhi.
+
+It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves
+after the morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet
+along with O'Gawler of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the
+enemy's neighborhood in a very singular manner.  O'Gawler and I
+were seated under a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had
+formed to shelter us from the intolerable heat of the sun, and were
+discussing with great delight a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone
+jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak, refreshing sangaree.  We had
+been playing cards the night before, and O'Gawler had lost to me
+seven hundred rupees.  I emptied the last of the sangaree into the
+two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking, and holding mine
+up, said, "Here's better luck to you next time, O'Gawler!"
+
+As I spoke the words--whish!--a cannon-ball cut the tumbler clean
+out of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach.  It
+settled him completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred
+rupees.  Such are the uncertainties of war!
+
+To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements--to mount my Arab
+charger--to drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree--and
+to gallop to the General, was the work of a moment.  I found him as
+comfortably at tiffin as if he were at his own house in London.
+
+"General," said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent),
+"you must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy."
+
+"The enemy--psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of
+the river."
+
+"I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly
+carry five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot
+dead at my side with a cannon-ball."
+
+"Ha! is it so?" said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the
+drumstick of a grilled chicken.  "Gentlemen, remember that the eyes
+of Europe are upon us, and follow me!"
+
+Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat;
+each British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee.
+We mounted our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old
+General; I not the last in the train, upon my famous black charger.
+
+It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three
+miles of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we
+galloped, we were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of
+his imposing line.  Nothing can better describe it than this:--
+
+        _________________________________
+       /................................. A
+      /.
+     /.
+    /.
+   /.
+
+
+--A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty
+pieces of artillery which defended his line.  He was, moreover,
+intrenched; and a wide morass in his front gave him an additional
+security.
+
+His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said,
+turning round to one of his aides-de-camp, "Order up Major-General
+Tinkler and the cavalry."
+
+"HERE, does your Excellency mean?" said the aide-de-camp, surprised,
+for the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying
+about as thick as peas.
+
+"HERE, sir!" said the old General, stamping with his foot in a
+passion, and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away.
+In five minutes we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty
+more the greater part of the cavalry had joined us.
+
+Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the
+air, their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden
+sunlight.  "And now we are here," said Major-General Sir Theophilus
+Tinkler, "what next?"  "Oh, d--- it," said the Commander-in-Chief,
+"charge, charge--nothing like charging--galloping--guns--rascally
+black scoundrels--charge, charge!"  And then turning round to me
+(perhaps he was glad to change the conversation), he said,
+"Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me."
+
+And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the
+battle WAS GAINED BY ME.  I do not mean to insult the reader by
+pretending that any personal exertions of mine turned the day,--
+that I killed, for instance, a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a
+battery of guns,--such absurd tales would disgrace both the hearer
+and the teller.  I, as is well known, never say a single word which
+cannot be proved, and hate more than all other vices the absurd sin
+of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to the General, at a
+quarter past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day, won this
+great triumph for the British army.
+
+Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though
+somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it.  General
+Lake, for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree.
+Laswaree! and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree?  I
+can lay my hand upon my heart and say that I was.  If any proof is
+wanting of the fact, let me give it at once, and from the highest
+military testimony in the world--I mean that of the Emperor
+Napoleon.
+
+In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the "Prince
+Regent," Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage
+from Calcutta to England.  In company with the other officers on
+board the ship, I paid my respects to the illustrious exile of
+Longwood, who received us in his garden, where he was walking
+about, in a nankeen dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with
+General Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a
+little boy; who I dare say does not recollect me, but who
+nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels of my
+Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his Imperial
+Majesty.
+
+Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by
+General Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a
+bow to the owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word.  At last
+Montholon came to mine.  The Emperor looked me at once in the face,
+took his hands out of his pockets, put them behind his back, and
+coming up to me smiling, pronounced the following words:--
+
+"Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?"
+
+I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said--"Sire, c'est
+moi."
+
+"Parbleu! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, holding out his
+snuff-box.  "En usez-vous, Major?"  I took a large pinch (which,
+with the honor of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears
+into my eyes), and he continued as nearly as possible in the
+following words:--
+
+"Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation.  Your third
+brother, the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my
+Irish brigade."
+
+Gahagan.--"Sire, it is true.  He and my countrymen in your
+Majesty's service stood under the green flag in the breach of
+Burgos, and beat Wellington back.  It was the only time, as your
+Majesty knows, that Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that
+war."
+
+Napoleon (looking as if he would say, "D--- your candor, Major
+Gahagan").--"Well, well; it was so.  Your brother was a Count, and
+died a General in my service."
+
+Gahagan.--"He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty
+Cossacks at Borodino.  They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan
+mark."
+
+Napoleon (to Montholon).--"C'est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma
+parole d'honneur la plus sacree, que c'est vrai.  Ils ne sont pas
+d'autres, ces terribles Ga'gans.  You must know that Monsieur
+gained the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz.
+In this way:--Ce belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry,
+and placing them in front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la
+plaine, was for charging the enemy's batteries with his horse, who
+would have been ecrases, mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the
+cunning of ce grand rogue que vous voyez."
+
+Montholon.--"Coquin de Major, va!"
+
+Napoleon.--"Montholon! tais-toi.  When Lord Lake, with his great
+bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which
+he had brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would
+infallibly have done so--and the loss of his army would have been
+the ruin of the East India Company--and the ruin of the English
+East India Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a
+republic then!) in the East--but that the man before us, Lieutenant
+Goliah Gahagan, was riding at the side of General Lake."
+
+Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).--"Gredin! cent
+mille tonnerres de Dieu!"
+
+Napoleon (benignantly).--"Calme-toi, mon fidele ami.  What will
+you?  It was fate.  Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle,
+or rather slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the
+enemy), advised a retreat."
+
+Montholon.  "Le lache!  Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule
+jamais."
+
+Napoleon.--"STUPIDE!  Don't you see WHY the retreat was ordered?--
+don't you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw
+Holkar from his impregnable intrenchments?  Don't you know that the
+ignorant Indian fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the
+cover of his guns, came down with his cavalry on the plains in
+pursuit of Lake and his dragoons?  Then it was that the Englishmen
+turned upon him; the hardy children of the north swept down his
+feeble horsemen, bore them back to their guns, which were useless,
+entered Holkar's intrenchments along with his troops, sabred the
+artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of Delhi!"
+
+As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed
+fire, his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the
+enemy from beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his
+regiments to the charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram.  I
+have had many a proud moment in my life, but never such a proud one
+as this; and I would readily pardon the word "coward," as applied
+to me by Montholon, in consideration of the testimony which his
+master bore in my favor.
+
+"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why had I not such
+a man as you in my service?  I would have made you a Prince and a
+Marshal!" and here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and
+respected the purport.  He was thinking, doubtless, that I might
+have retrieved his fortunes; and indeed I have very little doubt
+that I might.
+
+Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand,
+Napoleon's valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage,
+and talking upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew,
+leaving me deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in
+this remarkable interview.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+A PEEP INTO SPAIN--ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE
+AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS.
+
+
+HEAD QUARTERS, MORELLA, Sept. 16, 1838.
+
+I have been here for some months, along with my young friend
+Cabrera: and in the hurry and bustle of war--daily on guard and in
+the batteries for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with
+fourteen severe wounds and seven musket-balls in my body--it may be
+imagined that I have had little time to think about the publication
+of my memoirs.  Inter arma silent leges--in the midst of fighting
+be hanged to writing! as the poet says; and I never would have
+bothered myself with a pen, had not common gratitude incited me to
+throw off a few pages.
+
+Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this
+place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor
+Emmett Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of
+Gray's Inn, and what be called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin.
+Mr. Sheeny was with the Queen's people, not in a military capacity,
+but as representative of an English journal; to which, for a
+trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit of transmitting
+accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and his own opinion
+of the politics of Spain.  Receiving, for the discharge of his
+duty, a couple of guineas a week from the proprietors of the
+journal in question, he was enabled, as I need scarcely say, to
+make such a show in Oraa's camp as only a Christino general
+officer, or at the very least a colonel of a regiment, can afford
+to keep up.
+
+In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of
+course among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a
+good deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as
+useless to describe here), in the court of a small inn or podesta,
+which had been made the head-quarters of several Queenite officers
+during the siege.  The pesatero or landlord of the inn had been
+despatched by my brave chapel-churies, with his fine family of
+children--the officers quartered in the podesta had of course
+bolted; but one man remained, and my fellows were on the point of
+cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios, when I
+arrived in the room time enough to prevent the catastrophe.  Seeing
+before me an individual in the costume of a civilian--a white hat,
+a light blue satin cravat, embroidered with butterflies and other
+quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue
+plaid trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and interposed
+to save his life.
+
+In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he
+could to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of
+slaughtering him; but it is very little likely that his
+protestations would have had any effect upon them, had not I
+appeared in the room, and shouted to the ruffians to hold their
+hand.
+
+Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that
+rank in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six
+feet four in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a
+sword so called, because it is five feet long) which is so well
+known among the Spanish armies--seeing, I say, this figure, the
+fellows retired, exclaiming, "Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros," and
+so on, clearly proving (by their words) that they would, if they
+dared, have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued from their
+fury.  "Villains!" shouted I, hearing them grumble, "away! quit the
+apartment!"  Each man, sulkily sheathing his sombrero, obeyed, and
+quitted the camarilla.
+
+It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which
+I have briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he
+had a family in England who would feel obliged to me for his
+release, and that his most intimate friend the English ambassador
+would move heaven and earth to revenge his fall, he directed my
+attention to a portmanteau passably well filled, which he hoped
+would satisfy the cupidity of my troops.  I said, though with much
+regret, that I must subject his person to a search; and hence arose
+the circumstance which has called for what I fear you will consider
+a somewhat tedious explanation.  I found upon Mr. Sheeny's person
+three sovereigns in English money (which I have to this day), and
+singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine, containing a
+portion of my adventures.  It was a toss-up whether I should let
+the poor young man be shot or no, but this little circumstance
+saved his life.  The gratified vanity of authorship induced me to
+accept his portmanteau and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch
+to go free.  I put the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and
+the podesta.
+
+The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full
+time for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after
+committing dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat
+upon the fort, hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy.  I
+am pretty well known and respected by the men of both parties in
+Spain (indeed I served for some months on the Queen's side before I
+came over to Don Carlos); and, as it is my maxim never to give
+quarter, I never expect to receive it when taken myself.  On
+issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau and my sword in
+my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our own men in
+a pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about four
+hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while on
+my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite
+lancers were clattering along the road.
+
+I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this
+discovery, so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz!
+came a bullet by my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson.
+I looked round--there were seventy of the accursed malvados at the
+least, and within, as I said, a hundred yards.  Were I to say that
+I stopped to fight seventy men, you would write me down a fool or a
+liar: no, sir, I did not fight, I ran away.
+
+I am six feet four--my figure is as well known in the Spanish army
+as that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera
+himself.  "GAHAGAN!" shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices,
+and fifty more shots came rattling after me.  I was running--
+running as the brave stag before the hounds--running as I have done
+a great number of times before in my life, when there was no help
+for it but a race.
+
+After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained
+nearly three upon our column in front, and that likewise the
+Christino horsemen were left behind some hundred yards more; with
+the exception of three, who were fearfully near me.  The first was
+an officer without a lance; he had fired both his pistols at me,
+and was twenty yards in advance of his comrades; there was a
+similar distance between the two lancers who rode behind him.  I
+determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came up delivered cut
+3 at his horse's near leg--off it flew, and down, as I expected,
+went horse and man.  I had hardly time to pass my sword through my
+prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me.  If I could but get that
+fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the
+plan which I hoped was to effect my rescue.
+
+I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and,
+unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained--some
+shirts, a bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c.,--
+I had carried it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled
+to sacrifice it malgre moi.  As the lancer came up, I dropped my
+sword from my right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head,
+with aim so true, that he fell back on his saddle like a sack, and
+thus when the horse galloped up to me, I had no difficulty in
+dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle struck him over his right
+eye, and he was completely stunned.  To dash him from the saddle
+and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment; indeed, the
+two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the time which
+it has taken the reader to peruse the description.  But in the
+rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's
+horse, I had committed a very absurd oversight--I was scampering
+away WITHOUT MY SWORD!  What was I to do?--to scamper on, to be
+sure, and trust to the legs of my horse for safety!
+
+The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear
+his horrid laugh as he neared me.  I leaned forward jockey-fashion
+in my saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but
+all in vain.  Closer--closer--the point of his lance was within two
+feet of my back.  Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my
+agony when I felt it enter--through exactly fifty-nine pages of the
+New Monthly Magazine.  Had it not been for that Magazine, I should
+have been impaled without a shadow of a doubt.  Was I wrong in
+feeling gratitude?  Had I not cause to continue my contributions to
+that periodical?
+
+When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying
+party, I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous
+result of the lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must
+tell you that a ball came whiz over my head from our fellows, and
+entering at his nose, put a stop to HIS lancing for the future).  I
+hastened to Cabrera's quarter, and related to him some of my
+adventures during the day.
+
+"But, General," said he, "you are standing.  I beg you chiudete
+l'uscio (take a chair)."
+
+I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some
+foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my
+sitting at ease.  I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and
+there, to my wonder, DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like
+a fish-hook, or a pastoral crook.
+
+"Ha! ha! ha!" said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag).
+
+"Valdepenas madrilenos," growled out Tristany.
+
+"By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman),"
+shrieked out Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, "I will send it
+to the Bishop of Leon for a crozier."
+
+"Gahagan has CONSECRATED it," giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so
+they went on with their muchacas for an hour or more.  But, when
+they heard that the means of my salvation from the lance of the
+scoundrelly Christino had been the Magazine containing my own
+history, their laugh was changed into wonder.  I read them
+(speaking Spanish more fluently than English) every word of my
+story.  "But how is this?" said Cabrera.  "You surely have other
+adventures to relate?"
+
+"Excellent Sir," said I, "I have;" and that very evening, as we sat
+over our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in
+nearly the following words:--
+
+"I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended,
+as everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms.
+But who gained the battle?  Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of
+Delhi and Laswaree, while Major Gaha--nonsense, never mind HIM,
+never mind the charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped
+the six-foot wall in the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the
+heads of the gleaming pikes; when, with one hand seizing the sacred
+peishcush, or fish--which was the banner always borne before
+Scindiah,--he, with his good sword, cut off the trunk of the famous
+white elephant, which, shrieking with agony, plunged madly into the
+Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren, tossing, like chaff
+before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars.  He, meanwhile, now
+plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now cleaving
+to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on, like
+the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand,
+a hundred and forty-thr--but never mind--'ALONE HE DID IT;'
+sufficient be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he
+cares not for the empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate
+men!
+
+
+* The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic reader may
+recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his Commentary on the Flight
+of Darius), is so called by the Mahrattas.
+
+
+"We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah
+Allum received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on
+our General.  As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah
+did not fail to remark my person,* and was told my name.
+
+
+* There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part.  Shah
+Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have seen Gahagan?
+The thing is manifestly impossible.
+
+
+"Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so
+delighted with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose
+trunk I use to this day), that he said, 'Let him be called
+GUJPUTI,' or the lord of elephants; and Gujputi was the name by
+which I was afterwards familiarly known among the natives,--the
+men, that is.  The women had a softer appellation for me, and
+called me 'Mushook,' or charmer.
+
+"Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to
+the reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from
+Delhi; nor the terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish
+the war.  Suffice it to say that we were victorious, and that I was
+wounded; as I have invariably been in the two hundred and four
+occasions when I have found myself in action.  One point, however,
+became in the course of this campaign QUITE evident--THAT SOMETHING
+MUST BE DONE FOR GAHAGAN.  The country cried shame, the King's
+troops grumbled, the sepoys openly murmured that their Gujputi was
+only a lieutenant, when he had performed such signal services.
+What was to be done?  Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary.
+'Gahagan,' wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently not your fate--
+YOU WERE BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley are good
+officers, they cannot be turned out--I must make a post for you.
+What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?'
+
+"It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had
+its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long
+be remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the
+uniform of the corps, as well as to select recruits.  These were
+not wanting as soon as my appointment was made known, but came
+flocking to my standard a great deal faster than to the regular
+corps in the Company's service.  I had European officers, of
+course, to command them, and a few of my countrymen as sergeants;
+the rest were all natives, whom I chose of the strongest and
+bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and
+Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most warlike
+districts of our Indian territory.
+
+"When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble
+appearance.  I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance,
+gave a carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid
+costume that ever perhaps decorated a soldier.  I am, as I have
+stated already, six feet four inches in height, and of matchless
+symmetry and proportion.  My hair and beard are of the most
+brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely to be distinguished at a
+distance from scarlet.  My eyes are bright blue, overshadowed by
+bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific gash of the
+deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid, and the
+cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly
+military appearance than can be conceived.  When I have been
+drinking (as is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby
+bright, and as I have another which took off a piece of my under-
+lip, and shows five of my front teeth, I leave you to imagine that
+'seldom lighted on the earth' (as the monster Burke remarked of one
+of his unhappy victims), 'a more extraordinary vision.'  I improved
+these natural advantages; and, while in cantonment during the hot
+winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to grow very long, as did
+my beard, which reached to my waist.  It took me two hours daily to
+curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw ringlets, which
+waved over my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well round to the
+corners of my eyelids.  I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and red
+morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color
+round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated
+with a tuft of the scarlet feathers of the flamingo, formed my
+head-dress, and I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a
+small silver skull and crossbones in front of my turban.  Two brace
+of pistols, a Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and
+very nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant costume.  My
+two flags were each surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones,
+and ornamented, one with a black, and the other with a red beard
+(of enormous length, taken from men slain in battle by me).  On one
+flag were of course the arms of John Company; on the other, an
+image of myself bestriding a prostrate elephant, with the simple
+word, 'Gujputi' written underneath in the Nagaree, Persian, and
+Sanscrit characters.  I rode my black horse, and looked, by the
+immortal gods, like Mars.  To me might be applied the words which
+were written concerning handsome General Webb, in Marlborough's
+time:--
+
+
+    "'To noble danger he conducts the way,
+      His great example all his troop obey,
+      Before the front the Major sternly rides,
+      With such an air as Mars to battle strides.
+      Propitious heaven must sure a hero save
+      Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!'
+
+
+"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger,
+Pappendick, Stuffle, &c., &c.) were dressed exactly in the same
+way, but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in
+black.  I have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious-
+looking men, but the Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to
+the view than any set of ruffians on which I ever set eyes.  I
+would to heaven that the Czar of Muscovy had passed through Cabool
+and Lahore, and that I with my old Ahmednuggars stood on a fair
+field to meet him!  Bless you, bless you, my swart companions in
+victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the booming of
+your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye rage in
+the thickest of the battle!*
+
+
+* I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to pretend that
+my genius as a writer has not been equalled in former times; but
+if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe, or Victor Hugo, the
+reader can find a more beautiful sentence than the above, I will be
+obliged to him, that is all--I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO
+HIM.----G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+
+"But away with melancholy reminiscences.  You may fancy what a
+figure the Irregulars cut on a field-day--a line of five hundred
+black-faced, black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men--Biggs,
+Glogger, and the other officers in yellow, galloping about the
+field like flashes of lightning; myself enlightening them, red,
+solitary, and majestic, like yon glorious orb in heaven.
+
+"There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's
+sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when
+we thought that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success
+at Deeg had completely finished him.  Taking ten thousand horse he
+broke up his camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake
+heard of him was, that he was at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at
+Doncaradam--he was, in fact, in the very heart of our territory.
+
+"The unfortunate part of the affair was this:--His Excellency,
+despising the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about
+two thousand miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest
+degree where to lay hold on him.  Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at
+Bogly Gunge? nobody knew, and for a considerable period the
+movements of Lake's cavalry were quite ambiguous, uncertain,
+promiscuous, and undetermined.
+
+"Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804.  At the
+beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch,
+cutting off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under
+lip), and I was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars,
+whilst I retired for my wounds to an English station at
+Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur--it is, as every twopenny postman
+knows, at the apex of the Dooab.  We have there a cantonment, and
+thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon and the sticking-
+plaster.
+
+"Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the
+lower Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is
+fortified slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur,
+meaning in Hindoostanee 'the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced-
+Feringhees-near-the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram') occupied by
+Europeans.  (It is astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that
+language is, and how much can be conveyed in one or two of the
+commonest phrases.)
+
+"Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks
+with Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner
+of health at Futtyghur.
+
+"An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say.  The cantonment
+at Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy
+slave.  Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety!
+The fact is, that when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies
+of the army all congregated to this place, where they were left, as
+it was supposed, in safety.  I might, like Homer, relate the names
+and qualities of all.  I may at least mention SOME whose memory is
+still most dear to me.  There was--
+
+"Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry.
+
+"Miss Bulcher.
+
+"Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in
+large capitals.)
+
+"Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy.
+
+"Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan.
+
+"The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more
+too numerous to mention.  The flower of our camp was, however,
+collected there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left
+him, were, 'Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge.  Guard
+them with your life, watch over them with your honor, defend them
+with the matchless power of your indomitable arm.'
+
+"Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty
+air of the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has
+often ere this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher.
+On the brow of a hill--the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at
+its base; and no spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely
+arranged, both by art and nature, as a favorite residence of the
+British fair.  Mrs. Bulcher, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other
+married ladies above mentioned, had each of them delightful
+bungalows and gardens in the place, and between one cottage and
+another my time passed as delightfully as can the hours of any man
+who is away from his darling occupation of war.
+
+"I was the commandant of the fort.  It is a little insignificant
+pettah, defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary
+counterscarp, and a bomb-proof embrasure.  On the top of this my
+flag was planted, and the small garrison of forty men only were
+comfortably barracked off in the case-mates within.  A surgeon and
+two chaplains (there were besides three reverend gentlemen of
+amateur missions, who lived in the town,) completed, as I may say,
+the garrison of our little fortalice, which I was left to defend
+and to command.
+
+"On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had
+invited Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs.
+Vandegobbleschroy, and, indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment,
+to a little festival in honor of the recovery of my health, of the
+commencement of the shooting season, and indeed as a farewell
+visit, for it was my intention to take dawk the very next morning
+and return to my regiment.  The three amateur missionaries whom I
+have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very rigid
+religious principles, refused to appear at my little party.  They
+had better never have been born than have done as they did: as you
+shall hear.
+
+"We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of
+the delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a
+similar kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been
+duly feted by every lady and gentleman present; when I took an
+opportunity to retire on the ramparts, with the interesting and
+lovely Belinda Bulcher.  I was occupied, as the French say, in
+conter-ing fleurettes to this sweet young creature, when, all of a
+sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing through the air, and a strong
+light was visible in the valley below the little fort.
+
+"'What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda; 'this is too
+gallant.'
+
+"'Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, 'they are fireworks of
+which I have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries--'
+
+"'Look, look!' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold
+of my arm: 'what do I see? yes--no--yes! it is--OUR BUNGALOW IS IN
+FLAMES!'
+
+"It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General
+was at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element--another
+and another succeeded it--seven bungalows, before I could almost
+ejaculate the name of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in
+the black midnight air!
+
+"I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the
+conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of
+black forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could
+observe columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking
+up their ground in the very middle of the open square or tank,
+round which the bungalows were built!
+
+"'Ho, warder!' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling
+Belinda clung closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that
+encircled her waist), 'down with the drawbridge! see that your
+masolgees' (small tumbrels which are used in place of large
+artillery) 'be well loaded: you, sepoys, hasten and man the
+ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the lights in the embrasures! we
+shall have warm work of it to-night, or my name is not Goliah
+Gahagan.'
+
+"The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the
+sepoys, choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the
+platform at the sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the
+consternation, shrill the screaming, occasioned by my words.  The
+men stood irresolute and mute with terror! the women, trembling,
+knew scarcely whither to fly for refuge.  'Who are yonder
+ruffians?' said I.  A hundred voices yelped in reply--some said the
+Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, and
+others declared it was Holkar--no one knew.
+
+"'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to reconnoitre
+yonder troops?'  There was a dead pause.
+
+"'A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder
+army!' again I repeated.  Still a dead silence.  The fact was that
+Scindiah and Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that
+no one dared venture to face the danger.  Oh for fifty of my brave
+Abmednuggarees!' thought I.
+
+"'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I see it--you are cowards--none of you dare
+encounter the chance even of death.  It is an encouraging prospect:
+know you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the
+morrow's dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men
+against our walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no
+quarter, no hope; death for us--and worse than death for these
+lovely ones assembled here?'  Here the ladies shrieked and raised a
+howl as I have heard the jackals on a summer's evening.  Belinda,
+my dear Belinda! flung both her arms round me, and sobbed on my
+shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket rather, for the little witch
+could reach no higher).
+
+"'Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, 'GO--GO--GOGGLE--IAH!'
+
+"'My soul's adored!' replied I.
+
+"'Swear to me one thing.'
+
+"'I swear.'
+
+"'That if--that if--the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a-attahs
+take the fort, you will put me out of their power.'
+
+"I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that,
+rather than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should
+perish by my own hand.  This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs.
+Major-General Bulcher, and her elder sister, who had not until now
+known a word of our attachment, (indeed, but for these extraordinary
+circumstances, it is probable that we ourselves should never have
+discovered it,) were under these painful circumstances made aware of
+my beloved Belinda's partiality for me.  Having communicated thus her
+wish of self-destruction, I thought her example a touching and
+excellent one, and proposed to all the ladies that they should
+follow it, and that at the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at
+a signal given by me, they should one and all make away with
+themselves.  Fancy my disgust when, after making this proposition,
+not one of the ladies chose to accede to it, and received it with
+the same chilling denial that my former proposal to the garrison had
+met with.
+
+"In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add
+to it, a trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the
+sentinels came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was
+before the gate with a flag of truce!
+
+"I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the
+party, whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the
+point of my sword a scroll, of which the following is a
+translation:--
+
+
+"'TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI.
+
+"'LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,--I have the honor to inform you that I
+arrived before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand
+cavalry under my orders.  I have burned, since my arrival,
+seventeen bungalows in Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise
+been under the painful necessity of putting to death three
+clergymen (mollahs), and seven English officers, whom I found in
+the village; the women have been transferred to safe keeping in the
+harems of my officers and myself.
+
+"'As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you
+will surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general
+(hookahbadar) in my army.  Should my proposal not meet with your
+assent, I beg leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort,
+and on taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison,
+and every female above twenty years of age.  For yourself I shall
+reserve a punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has,
+I flatter myself, hardly ever been exceeded.  Awaiting the favor of
+a reply, I am, Sir,
+
+"'Your very obedient servant,
+
+"'JESWUNT ROW HOLKAR.
+
+"'CAMP BEFORE FUTTYGHUR, Sept. 1, 1804.
+
+"'R. S. V. P.'
+
+
+"The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing
+how Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an
+enormous Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and
+cape, round which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate on
+his matchlock, and whistling a national melody.  I read the letter,
+and saw at once there was no time to be lost.  That man, thought I,
+must never go back to Holkar.  Were he to attack us now before we
+were prepared, the fort would be his in half an hour.
+
+"Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the
+gate and advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the
+little bridge across the moat.  I made him a low salaam, after the
+fashion of the country, and, as he bent forward to return the
+compliment, I am sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a
+violent blow on the head, which deprived him of all sensation, and
+then dragged him within the wall, raising the drawbridge after me.
+
+"I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I
+stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes,
+and, putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre
+the enemy."
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest
+of the staff, were sound asleep!  What I did in my reconnaisance,
+and how I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of
+telling on another occasion.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE INDIAN CAMP--THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT.
+
+
+HEAD-QUARTERS, MORELLA, Oct. 3, 1838.
+
+It is a balmy night.  I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine,
+and the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance
+beneath my casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines.  The
+laugh and song pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can
+distinguish the elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay
+nothings in the ears of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the
+thrilling chorus of Riego's hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated
+by the enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos Quinto.  I am alone, in the
+most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of our little fortalice;
+the large casements are open--the wind, as it enters, whispers in my
+ear its odorous recollections of the orange grove and the myrtle
+bower.  My torch (a branch of the fragrant cedar-tree) flares and
+flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses its scent and burning
+splinters on my scroll and the desk where I write--meet implements
+for a soldier's authorship!--it is CARTRIDGE paper over which my pen
+runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder forms my rough
+writing-table.  Around me, below me, above me, all--all is peace!  I
+think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, England! and muse
+over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early days!  Let me
+resume my narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the
+authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion.
+
+I left off, I think--(for I am a thousand miles away from proof-
+sheets as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must
+contradict myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)--I
+think, I say, that I left off at that period of my story, when,
+Holkar being before Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I
+had just been compelled to make away with his messenger; and,
+dressed in the fallen Indian's accoutrements, went forth to
+reconnoitre the force, and, if possible, to learn the intentions of
+the enemy.  However much my figure might have resembled that of the
+Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might have deceived the lynx-
+eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge, it was
+evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn beard would
+have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army.  Seizing,
+then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my
+hands, and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made
+my hair and beard as black as ebony.  The Indian's helmet and chain
+hood covered likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus,
+with luck, impudence, and a complete command of all the Eastern
+dialects and languages, from Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-
+free through this somewhat dangerous ordeal.
+
+I had not the word of the night, it is true--but I trusted to good
+fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing
+the flag of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of
+hundred yards, when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him
+I had just overcome, trotted towards me.  One was leading a noble
+white charger, and no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from
+his own horse, and giving the rein to a companion, he advanced to
+meet me with the charger; a second fellow likewise dismounted and
+followed the first; one held the bridle of the horse, while the
+other (with a multitude of salaams, aleikums, and other
+genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and kneeling, waited
+until I should mount.
+
+I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was
+a great man--that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air,
+gathered up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-
+peaked saddle.  "Buk, buk," said I.  "It is good.  In the name of
+the forty-nine Imaums, let us ride on."  And the whole party set
+off at a brisk trot, I keeping silence, and thinking with no little
+trepidation of what I was about to encounter.
+
+As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual
+silence (for I suppose, I--that is the Indian--was a talkative
+officer).  "The lips of the Bahawder are closed," said one.  "Where
+are those birds of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are
+imprisoned between the golden bars of his teeth!"
+
+"Kush," said his companion, "be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen
+the dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord,
+whose sword reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion
+who can wear the papooshes of the elephant-slayer--it is Bobbachy
+Bahawder!"
+
+"You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the
+words of the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of
+his thoughts."
+
+"Bekhusm! on my nose be it!  May the young birds, his actions, be
+strong and swift in flight."
+
+"May they DIGEST IRON!" said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a
+wag in his way.
+
+"O-ho!" thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me.  "It was,
+then, the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and
+he is the man destined to stand in my slippers, is he?" and I was
+at that very moment standing in his own!  Such are the chances and
+changes that fall to the lot of the soldier!
+
+I suppose everybody--everybody who has been in India, at least--has
+heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two
+Hindustanee words--bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman.  He
+had entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had,
+by his merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the
+dignity of the peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen
+of the first class; he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's
+innumerable daughters: a match which, according to the Chronique
+Scandaleuse, brought more of honor than of pleasure to the poor
+Bobbachy.  Gallant as he was in the field, it was said that in the
+harem he was the veriest craven alive, completely subjugated by his
+ugly and odious wife.  In all matters of importance the late
+Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears,
+(knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash in his
+attack upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate
+Pitan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I
+learned from the attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found
+out, an old favorite with the Bobbachy--doubtless on account of his
+honesty and love of repartee.
+
+"The Bahawder's lips are closed," said he, at last, trotting up to
+me; "has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?"
+
+"Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I; which means, "My good
+friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and
+fills my bosom with the darkest forebodings."
+
+"You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your
+dagger?"
+
+[Here was a pretty conspiracy!]  "No, I saw him, but not alone; his
+people were always with him."
+
+"Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree
+(whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon
+every man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a
+dozen men in the garrison, and they have not provision for two
+days--they must yield; and then hurrah for the moon-faces!
+Mashallah!  I am told the soldiers who first get in are to have
+their pick.  How my old woman, Rotee Muckun, will be surprised when
+I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,--ha! ha!"
+
+"Fool!" said I, "be still!--twelve men in the garrison! there are
+twelve hundred!  Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and
+as for food, I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing
+in the court-yard as I entered."  This WAS a bouncer, I confess;
+but my object was to deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high
+a notion as possible of the capabilities of defence which the
+besieged had.
+
+"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of a fortress: we
+shall never be able to take it until our guns come up."
+
+There was hope then! they had no battering-train.  Ere this
+arrived, I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and
+march down to rescue us.  Thus occupied in thought and conversation,
+we rode on until the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old
+Puneeree gave the word, and we passed on into the centre of Holkar's
+camp.
+
+It was a strange--a stirring sight!  The camp-fires were lighted;
+and round them--eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry
+steps of the dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some
+Dhol Baut (or Indian improvisatore) were thousands of dusky
+soldiery.  The camels and horses were picketed under the banyan-
+trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was growing, and offered them
+an excellent food.  Towards the spot which the golden fish and
+royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the tent of
+Holkar, led an immense avenue--of elephants! the finest street,
+indeed, I ever saw.  Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on
+its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian
+matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and
+the grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets,
+filled with pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and
+cocoa-nuts, which grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year.  We
+passed down this extraordinary avenue--no less than three hundred
+and eighty-eight tails did I count on each side--each tail
+appertaining to an elephant twenty-five feet high--each elephant
+having a two-storied castle on its back--each castle containing
+sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve men that formed its
+garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof--each roof bearing a
+flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the crescent glittering
+with a thousand gems, and round it the imperial standard,--each
+standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the well-known
+device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of the
+first, a chevron, truncated, wavy.  I took nine of these myself in
+the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, when I
+come to England, to show them to any gentleman who has a curiosity
+that way.  Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade passed,
+and at last we arrived at the quarters occupied by Holkar.
+
+That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round
+one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and
+which he occupied during the siege.  When I entered the large room
+where he sat, I found him in the midst of a council of war; his
+chief generals and viziers seated round him, each smoking his
+hookah, as is the common way with these black fellows, before, at,
+and after breakfast, dinner, supper, and bedtime.  There was such a
+cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard before you--
+another piece of good luck for me--as it diminished the chances of
+my detection.  When, with the ordinary ceremonies, the kitmatgars
+and consomahs had explained to the prince that Bobbachy Bahawder,
+the right eye of the Sun of the universe (as the ignorant heathens
+called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar immediately
+summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on which he was
+seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking off my
+slippers, falling on my knees, and beating my head against the
+ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred
+and twenty feet through the room, and then up the twenty steps
+which led to his maidaun--a silly, painful, and disgusting
+ceremony, which can only be considered as a relic of barbarian
+darkness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let alone the
+pantaloons.  I recommend anybody who goes to India, with the
+prospect of entering the service of the native rajahs, to recollect
+my advice and have them WELL-WADDED.
+
+Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as
+he could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as
+I have said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I
+arrived within speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me
+the success of my mission.  The impetuous old man thereon poured
+out a multitude of questions: "How many men are there in the fort?"
+said he; "how many women?  Is it victualled?  Have they ammunition?
+Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the commander? did you kill him?"
+
+All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many
+whiffs of tobacco.
+
+Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that,
+upon my honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could
+perceive anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was
+encompassed, I told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the
+best tale I could with regard to the fort.
+
+"Sir" said I, "to answer your last question first--that dreadful
+Gujputi I have seen--and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in
+height; he can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred
+at present in the compound, and swears that during the siege he
+will content himself with only three a week): he has lost in battle
+his left eye; and what is the consequence?  O Ram Gunge" (O thou-
+with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning-and-with-beard-as-black-as-
+night), "Goliah Gujputi--NEVER SLEEPS!"
+
+"Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world)," said the Prince
+Vizier, Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee--"it's joking you are;"--and
+there was a universal buzz through the room at the announcement of
+this bouncer.
+
+"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu," said I,
+solemnly, (an oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) "I
+swear that so it is: so at least he told me, and I have good cause
+to know his power.  Gujputi is an enchanter: he is leagued with
+devils; he is invulnerable.  Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger--
+and every eye turned instantly towards me--"thrice did I stab him
+with this steel--in the back, once--twice right through the heart;
+but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar that the
+steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an injury upon him."
+
+I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this
+somewhat imprudent message.
+
+"Ah, lily-livered rogue!" shouted he out to me, "milk-blooded
+unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy
+master in thy presence!  In the name of the prophet, I spit on
+thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade thee!  Take that, thou liar of
+the universe! and that--and that--and that!"
+
+Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this
+old man said, "Take that," he flung some article near him at the
+head of the undaunted Gahagan--his dagger, his sword, his carbine,
+his richly ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels,
+worth a hundred thousand crores of rupees--finally, his hookah,
+snake mouthpiece, silver-bell, chillum and all--which went hissing
+over my head, and flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand
+Vizier.
+
+"Yock muzzee! my nose is off;" said the old man, mildly.  Will you
+have my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!" and no other word of
+complaint escaped his lips.
+
+Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as
+the ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar
+fiercely but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or
+two of the musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet,
+strange to say, not a single weapon had hurt me.  When the hubbub
+ceased, and the unlucky wretches who had been the victims of this
+fit of rage had been removed, Holkar's good humor somewhat
+returned, and he allowed me to continue my account of the fort;
+which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his burst of
+impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of impoliteness
+to have done for such accidents happened many times in the day.
+
+"It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled out the poor
+Grand Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary
+means of defence possessed by the garrison.  "Your star is bright,
+O Bahawder! for this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of
+the fort, and we had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison
+to the edge of the sword."
+
+"But you have no battering train," said I.
+
+"Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to
+blow the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!" said Loll
+Mahommed, a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and
+contradicted, therefore, every word I said.  "In the name of
+Juggernaut, why wait for the heavy artillery?  Have we not swords?
+Have we not hearts?  Mashallah!  Let cravens stay with Bobbachy,
+all true men will follow Loll Mahommed!  Allahhumdillah, Bismillah,
+Barikallah?"* and drawing his scimitar, he waved it over his head,
+and shouted out his cry of battle.  It was repeated by many of the
+other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was carried into the camp,
+and caught up by the men; the camels began to cry, the horses to
+prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream, the
+trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments.  I never
+heard such a din before or after.  How I trembled for my little
+garrison when I heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable
+host!
+
+
+* The Major has put the most approved language into the mouths of
+his Indian characters.  Bismillah, Barikallah, and so on, according
+to the novelists, form the very essence of Eastern conversation.
+
+
+There was but one way for it.  "Sir," said I, addressing Holkar,
+"go out to-night and you go to certain death.  Loll Mahommed has
+not seen the fort as I have.  Pass the gate if you please, and for
+what? to fall before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to
+storm another gate, and then another, and then to be blown up, with
+Gahagan's garrison in the citadel.  Who talks of courage?  Were I
+not in your august presence, O star of the faithful, I would crop
+Loll Mahommed's nose from his face, and wear his ears as an
+ornament in my own pugree!  Who is there here that knows not the
+difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and Gahagan Khan
+Guj--I mean Bobbachy Bahawder?  I am ready to fight one, two,
+three, or twenty of them, at broad-sword, small-sword, single-
+stick, with fists if you please.  By the holy piper, fighting is
+like mate and dthrink to Ga--to Bobbachy, I mane--whoop! come on,
+you divvle, and I'll bate the skin off your ugly bones."
+
+This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am
+agitated, I involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to
+my own country; which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any
+suspicion as to my real character, detection must indubitably have
+ensued.  As it was, Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously
+stopped the dispute.  Loll Mahommed, however, evidently suspected
+something, for, as Holkar, with a voice of thunder, shouted out,
+"Tomasha (silence)," Loll sprang forward and gasped out--
+
+"My lord! my lord I this is not Bob--"
+
+But he could say no more.  "Gag the slave!" screamed out Holkar,
+stamping with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the
+poor devil's jaws.  "Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan,
+give him a hundred dozen on the soles of his feet, set him upon a
+white donkey, and carry him round the camp, with an inscription
+before him: 'This is the way that Holkar rewards the talkative.'"
+
+I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo
+falling on Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind,
+and thanked my stars that I was delivered of this danger.
+
+"Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, "I owe
+you a reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince,
+O Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir
+u Dowlut!"
+
+The good old man's eyes filled with tears.  "I can bear thy
+severity, O Prince," said he; "I cannot bear thy love.  Was it not
+an honor that your Highness did me just now when you condescended
+to pass over the bridge of your slave's nose?"
+
+The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical.  The
+Vizier retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed.  Holkar was in
+high good humor.
+
+"Bobbachy," said he, thou, too, must pardon me.  A propos, I have
+news for thee.  Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge," (white
+and red rose,) has arrived in camp."
+
+"My WIFE, my lord!" said I, aghast.
+
+"Our daughter, the light of thine eyes!  Go, my son; I see thou art
+wild with joy.  The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and
+I know thou longest to join her."
+
+My wife?  Here was a complication truly!
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE.
+
+
+I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at
+the gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the
+neighborhood.  I have been in many dangerous predicaments before
+that time and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the
+present instance such a throbbing of the heart as I never have
+experienced when leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a
+battery.
+
+As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward,
+some to ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some
+with hookahs, attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the
+thousand delicacies of Eastern life.  I motioned them away.  "I
+will wear my armor," said I; I shall go forth to-night; carry my
+duty to the princess, and say I grieve that to-night I have not the
+time to see her.  Spread me a couch here, and bring me supper here:
+a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed with pistachio-
+nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid--anything.
+Begone!  Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when the meal
+is ready."
+
+I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and
+hoped to be able to escape without subjecting myself to the
+examination of her curious eyes.  After smoking for a while, an
+attendant came to tell me that my supper was prepared in the inner
+apartment of the tent (I suppose that the reader, if he be
+possessed of the commonest intelligence, knows that the tents of
+the Indian grandees are made of the finest Cashmere shawls, and
+contain a dozen rooms at least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash-
+windows complete).  I entered, I say, into an inner chamber, and
+there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental
+fashion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar,
+which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow.
+
+I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most
+savory stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard
+a scuffle of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the
+curtain being flung open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve
+slaves, with moon faces and slim waists, lovely as the houris in
+Paradise.
+
+The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her
+attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the
+complexion of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by
+the tawdry dress and the blazing jewels with which she was covered.
+A line of yellow chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her
+nose (which was further ornamented by an immense glittering nose-
+ring), her eyelids painted bright red, and a large dab of the same
+color on her chin, showed she was not of the Mussulman, but the
+Brahmin faith--and of a very high caste; you could see that by her
+eyes.  My mind was instantaneously made up as to my line of action.
+
+The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they
+heard the well-known sound of her voice.  It would have been death
+to them to have remained and looked in her face.  The females
+ranged themselves round their mistress, as she squatted down
+opposite to me.
+
+"And is this," said she, "a welcome, O Khan! after six months'
+absence, for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world?
+Is this lamb, O glutton! half so tender as thy spouse?  Is this
+wine, O sot! half so sweet as her looks?"
+
+I saw the storm was brewing--her slaves, to whom she turned, kept
+up a kind of chorus:--
+
+"Oh, the faithless one!" cried they.  "Oh, the rascal, the false
+one, who has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the
+Khanum's!"
+
+"A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely: "but a lamb has a
+good temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman--but a
+wine-cup) has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!" and again I dipped my nose
+in the soul-refreshing jar.
+
+The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my
+repartees; she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and
+chattered and stormed until I lost all patience.
+
+"Retire, friends," said I, "and leave me in peace."
+
+"Stir, on your peril!" cried the Khanum.
+
+So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my
+pistols, cocked them, and said, "O houris! these pistols contain
+each two balls: the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me--
+but for you!--by all the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die
+if ye stay a moment longer in my presence!  This was enough; the
+ladies gave a shriek, and skurried out of the apartment like a
+covey of partridges on the wing.
+
+Now, then, was the time for action.  My wife, or rather Bobbachy's
+wife, sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which
+her lord had displayed in her presence.  I seized her hand and,
+gripping it close, whispered in her ear, to which I put the other
+pistol:--"O Khanum, listen and scream not; the moment you scream,
+you die!"  She was completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman
+could in her situation, and said, "Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am
+dumb."
+
+"Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape
+which had covered almost the whole of my face--I AM NOT THY
+HUSBAND--I am the slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!"
+
+As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my
+shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I
+formed one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived,
+and I recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next "Book of
+Beauty."
+
+"Wretch!" said she, "what wouldst thou?"
+
+"You black-faced fiend," said I, "raise but your voice, and you are
+dead!"
+
+"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that YOU can escape?
+The torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that
+Holkar will invent for thee."
+
+"Tortures, madam?" answered I, coolly.  "Fiddlesticks!  You will
+neither betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the
+contrary, you will give me your best jewels and facilitate my
+escape to the fort.  Don't grind your teeth and swear at me.
+Listen, madam : you know this dress and these arms;--they are the
+arms of your husband, Bobbachy Bahawder--MY PRISONER.  He now lies
+in yonder fort, and if I do not return before daylight, at SUNRISE
+HE DIES: and then, when they send his corpse back to Holkar, what
+will you, HIS WIDOW, do?"
+
+"Oh!" said she, shuddering, "spare me, spare me!"
+
+"I'll tell you what you will do.  You will have the pleasure of
+dying along with him--of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death,
+from which your father cannot save you, to which he will be the
+first man to condemn and conduct you.  Ha! I see we understand each
+other, and you will give me over the cash-box and jewels."  And so
+saying I threw myself back with the calmest air imaginable,
+flinging the pistols over to her.  "Light me a pipe, my love," said
+I, "and then go and hand me over the dollars; do you hear?"  You
+see I had her in my power--up a tree, as the Americans say, and she
+very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then departed for the goods
+I spoke about.
+
+What a thing is luck!  If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take
+that ride round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost.
+
+My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards,
+had occupied a couple of hours of my time.  The princess returned
+from her quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables
+to the amount of about three millions sterling.  (I was cheated of
+them afterwards, but have the box still, a plain deal one.)  I was
+just about to take my departure, when a tremendous knocking,
+shouting, and screaming was heard at the entrance of the tent.  It
+was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed Loll Mahommed, who,
+after his punishment, found his master restored to good humor, and
+had communicated to him his firm conviction that I was an impostor.
+
+"Ho, Begum," shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people
+could not enter the women's apartments), "speak, O my daughter! is
+your husband returned?"
+
+"Speak, madam," said I, "or REMEMBER THE ROASTING."
+
+"He is, papa," said the Begum.
+
+"Are you sure?  Ho! ho! ho!" (the old ruffian was laughing
+outside)--"are you sure it is?--Ha! aha!--HE-E-E!"
+
+"Indeed it is he, and no other.  I pray you, father, to go, and to
+pass no more such shameless jests on your daughter.  Have I ever
+seen the face of any other man?"  And hereat she began to weep as
+if her heart would break--the deceitful minx!
+
+Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury.  "Oh, you liar and
+eternal thief!" said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could
+only hear) to Loll Mahommed, "to make your prince eat such
+monstrous dirt as this!  Furoshes, seize this man.  I dismiss him
+from my service, I degrade him from his rank, I appropriate to
+myself all his property: and hark ye, furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED
+DOZEN MORE!"
+
+Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my
+soul.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the
+little fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a
+veil, the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty
+of his form, who carried in his hand a deal box of considerable
+size.  The warrior at the gate gave the word and was admitted, the
+woman returned slowly to the Indian camp.  Her name was Puttee
+Rooge; his was--
+
+G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+FAMINE IN THE GARRISON.
+
+
+Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my
+precious box into my own apartment, which communicated with
+another, where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he
+should recover, and to prevent his escape.  My servant, Ghorumsaug,
+was one of the guard.  I called him, and the fellow came, looking
+very much confused and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance.
+
+"Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look so pale, fellow?"
+(he was as white as a sheet.)  "It is thy master, dost thou not
+remember him?"  The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's
+clothes, but was not present when I had blacked my face and beard
+in the manner I have described.
+
+"O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!" cried the faithful fellow, "and do
+I see my dear master disguised in this way?  For heaven's sake let
+me rid you of this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say
+in the ball-room, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst
+them with his roses turned into coal?"
+
+I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of
+which I write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little
+vain of my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear
+before my dear Belinda disguised like a blackamoor.  I allowed
+Ghorumsaug to divest me of the heathenish armor and habiliments
+which I wore; and having, with a world of scrubbing and trouble,
+divested my face and beard of their black tinge, I put on my own
+becoming uniform, and hastened to wait on the ladies; hastened, I
+say,--although delayed would have been the better word, for the
+operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours.
+
+"How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?" said I, before leaving my
+apartment.
+
+"He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men
+and myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in
+command) has just been the rounds, and has seen that all was
+secure."
+
+I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my
+exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help informing
+him of its contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post
+near the prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my
+respects to the fair creatures under my protection.  "What good
+after all have I done," thought I to myself, "in this expedition
+which I had so rashly undertaken?"  I had seen the renowned Holkar,
+I had been in the heart of his camp; I knew the disposition of his
+troops, that there were eleven thousand of them, and that he only
+waited for his guns to make a regular attack on the fort.  I had
+seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say ROBBED her, and I don't
+care what the reader or any other man may think of the act) of a
+deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three millions
+sterling, the property of herself and husband.
+
+Three millions in money and jewels!  And what the deuce were money
+and jewels to me or to my poor garrison?  Could my adorable Miss
+Bulcher eat a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down
+pearls to her tea?  Could I, careless as I am about food, with a
+stomach that would digest anything--(once, in Spain, I ate the leg
+of a horse during a famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel
+that I bolted the shoe, as well as the hoof, and never felt the
+slightest inconvenience from either,)--could I, I say, expect to
+live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a dish of stewed
+emeralds and rubies?  With all the wealth of Croesus before me I
+felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its weight in
+carats for a good honest round of boiled beef.  Wealth, wealth,
+what art thou?  What is gold?--Soft metal.  What are diamonds?--
+Shining tinsel.  The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers,
+the sole objects worthy of a soldier's consideration, are
+beefsteaks, gunpowder, and cold iron.
+
+The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own
+apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed,
+with a candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of
+artillery (4 long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long
+brass mortar, for grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of
+Assaye), and muskets for ten times my force.  My garrison, as I
+have told the reader in a previous number, consisted of 40 men, two
+chaplains, and a surgeon; add to these my guests, 83 in number, of
+whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights, powder, pigtails, and
+silk stockings, who had come out merely for a dance, and found
+themselves in for a siege).  Such were our numbers:--
+
+
+     Ladies                       74
+     Troops and artillerymen      40
+     Other non-combatants         11
+     MAJOR-GEN. O'G. GAHAGAN    1000
+                                ----
+                               1,125
+
+
+I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in
+the army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as
+much as an ordinary mortal.  We were then, as far as the victuals
+went, 126 mouths; as combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with
+12 guns and a fort, against Holkar and his 12,000.  No such
+alarming odds, if--
+
+IF!--ay, there was the rub--IF we had SHOT, as well as powder for
+our guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT.  Of the former commodity
+we had only three rounds for each piece.  Of the latter, upon my
+sacred honor, to feed 126 souls, we had but
+
+
+Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
+Of soda-water, four ditto.
+Two bottles of fine Spanish olives.
+Raspberry cream--the remainder of two dishes.
+Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle.
+Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
+Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust
+  of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins.
+Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles
+  of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple
+  of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil.
+
+
+This was the provision for the whole garrison!  The men after
+supper had seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were
+carried off from the table; and these were the miserable remnants I
+found and counted on my return, taking good care to lock the door
+of the supper-room, and treasure what little sustenance still
+remained in it.
+
+When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I
+not only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom,
+which was of the most painful description.  Oh, my reader! may you
+never behold such a sight as that which presented itself: eighty-
+three men and women in ball-dresses; the former with their lank
+powdered locks streaming over their faces; the latter with faded
+flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged rouge, blear eyes, draggling
+feathers, rumpled satins--each more desperately melancholy and
+hideous than the other--each, except my beloved Belinda Bulcher,
+whose raven ringlets never having been in curl, could of course
+never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it
+may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous
+arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and therefore,
+as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder had
+come off.  Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes
+as I entered.  As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing
+roses mantled in her cheek!  Seventy-three ladies, as I entered,
+opened their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions,
+regarding my adventures in the camp--SHE, as she saw me, gave a
+faint scream, (the sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the
+throat of a woman!) then started up--then made as if she would sit
+down--then moved backwards--then tottered forwards--then tumbled
+into my--Psha! why recall, why attempt to describe that delicious--
+that passionate greeting of two young hearts?  What was the
+surrounding crowd to US?  What cared we for the sneers of the men,
+the titters of the jealous women, the shrill "Upon my word!" of the
+elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda's mamma?
+The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms.  "Goliah! my Goliah!"
+said she, "my brave, my beautiful, THOU art returned, and hope
+comes back with thee.  Oh! who can tell the anguish of my soul,
+during this dreadful, dreadful night!"  Other similar ejaculations
+of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD perilled life in her
+service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there was none, so
+exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in
+this overwhelming joy!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+[The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very
+most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing.  We have
+been compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole
+passage, though highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly
+be tedious to the reader.]
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and
+were giggling audibly.  I led the dear girl to a chair, and,
+scowling round with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know
+me know I can sometimes put on, I shouted out, "Hark ye men and
+women--I am this lady's truest knight--her husband I hope one day
+to be.  I am commander, too, in this fort--the enemy is without it;
+another word of mockery--another glance of scorn--and, by heaven, I
+will hurl every man and woman from the battlements, a prey to the
+ruffianly Holkar!"  This quieted them.  I am a man of my word, and
+none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from that moment.
+
+It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish.  Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy
+(whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who
+has been in India) cried, "Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been
+so pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself
+and the ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast."  And Mrs.
+Van giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech.
+"Oh! breakfast, breakfast by all means," said the rest; "we really
+are dying for a warm cup of tea."
+
+"Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies?" says I.
+
+"Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat Mrs. Van.
+
+"What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?"  Of course they
+said it was the very thing.
+
+"And do you like hot rowls or cowld--muffins or crumpets--fresh
+butter or salt?  And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some
+ilegant divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of
+grilled turkeys, and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the
+ladies?"
+
+"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," answered they all.
+
+"But stop," says I.  "O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen,
+that you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan,
+and he been without--"
+
+"What?" said they, in a breath.
+
+"Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the
+whole house."
+
+"Well, well, we can do without it."
+
+"Or a single pound of coffee."
+
+"Never mind; let that pass too."  (Mrs. Van and the rest were
+beginning to look alarmed.)
+
+"And about the kidneys--now I remember, the black divvles outside
+the fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have
+kidneys without them?"  (Here there was a slight o--o--o!)
+
+"And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the
+cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for
+money or love: but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which
+will be just as good."
+
+"Oh! just as good."
+
+"Only the divvle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had--
+no, nor a fresh chicken," continued I, "nor a stale one either; nor
+a tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste
+taste in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!"
+
+"In the name of heaven!" said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, "what is
+there, then?"
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now," shouted I.
+"There's
+
+
+     "Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
+      Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c.
+
+
+And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending
+with the ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly.
+
+"Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, "give me
+the ham-sandwiches--I must manage to breakfast off them."
+
+And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest
+proposition!  Of course I did not accede to it--why should I?  I
+was the commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three
+very sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear Belinda.
+"Ladies," said I, "there are in this fort one hundred and twenty-
+six souls, and this is all the food which is to last us during the
+siege.  Meat there is none--of drink there is a tolerable quantity;
+and at one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine and one olive shall
+be served out to each woman: the men will receive two glasses, and
+an olive and a fig--and this must be your food during the siege.
+Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and if he be--why,
+still there is a chance--why do I say a chance?--a CERTAINTY of
+escaping from the hands of these ruffians."
+
+"Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!" screeched the whole
+covey at a breath.
+
+"It lies," answered I, "in the POWDER MAGAZINE.  I will blow this
+fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of
+Holkar."
+
+The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in
+Holkar's camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear
+Belinda whispered in my ear, "Well done, thou noble knight! bravely
+said, my heart's Goliah!"  I felt I was right: I could have blown
+her up twenty times for the luxury of that single moment!  "And
+now, ladies," said I, "I must leave you.  The two chaplains will
+remain with you to administer professional consolation--the other
+gentlemen will follow me up stairs to the ramparts, where I shall
+find plenty of work for them."
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE ESCAPE.
+
+
+Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey,
+and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded
+to review my men.  The fort, in my absence, had been left in
+command of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with
+whom, as may be seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an
+affair of honor); and the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had
+only stunned, never wishing to kill him, had been left in charge of
+that officer.  Three of the garrison (one of them a man of the
+Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body-servant, Ghorumsaug above
+named,) were appointed to watch the captive by turns, and never
+leave him out of their sight.  The lieutenant was instructed to
+look to them and to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy was severely
+injured by the blow which I had given him, and was, moreover, bound
+hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I considered myself
+sure of his person.
+
+Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little
+force, and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not
+surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but
+desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to
+him, and ordered him to appear immediately.
+
+The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered
+some information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten
+to the apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be
+confined.
+
+The men had fled;--Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my
+astonishment when I found--with a rope cutting his naturally wide
+mouth almost into his ears--with a dreadful sabre-cut across his
+forehead--with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied
+between his legs--my unhappy, my attached friend--Mortimer
+Macgillicuddy!
+
+He had been in this position for about three hours--it was the very
+position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed--an
+attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape
+impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner.
+
+I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured
+half a bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his
+mouth, and when he had been released, he informed me of the
+circumstances that had taken place.
+
+Fool that I was! idiot!--upon my return to the fort, to have been
+anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple of
+hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and
+complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner--when his
+escape would have been prevented.  O foppery, foppery!--it was that
+cursed love of personal appearance which had led me to forget my
+duty to my general, my country, my monarch, and my own honor!
+
+Thus it was that the escape took place:--My own fellow of the
+Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the
+operation to my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform
+of my corps, and removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken
+from the back of the prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder.  What did the
+rogue do next?--Why, he carried back the dress to the Bobbachy--he
+put it, once more, on its right owner; he and his infernal black
+companions (who had been won over by the Bobbachy with promises of
+enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy, who was going the rounds,
+and then marched with the Indian coolly up to the outer gate, and
+gave the word.  The sentinel, thinking it was myself, who had first
+come in, and was as likely to go out again,--(indeed my rascally
+valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him and his
+two companions to reconnoitre,)--opened the gates, and off they
+went!
+
+This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!--and
+for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE
+ROUNDS;--he HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this
+cruel way.  The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just
+been on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I
+had changed the guard at the gate (whom they had won over
+likewise); and yet, although they had overcome poor Mac, and
+although they were ready for the start, they had positively no
+means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough to put
+means in their way.  Fool! fool! thrice besotted fool that I was,
+to think of my own silly person when I should have been occupied
+solely with my public duty.
+
+From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from
+the effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him,
+and from my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story.
+A sudden and painful thought struck me--my precious box!--I rushed
+back, I found that box--I have it still.  Opening it, there, where
+I had left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees,
+strings of diamonds as big as ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the
+lips of my Belinda, countless strings of pearls, amethysts,
+emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes--I found--a piece of
+paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, which are thus,
+word for word, translated:
+
+
+                    "EPIGRAM.
+
+        "(On disappointing a certain Major.)
+
+     "The conquering Lion return'd with his prey,
+      And safe in his cavern he set it,
+      The sly little fox stole the booty away;
+      And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
+      'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'"
+
+
+Confusion!  Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines.
+I stamped,--I swore,--I don't know to what insane lengths my rage
+might have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in,
+screaming, "The enemy, the enemy!"
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE CAPTIVE.
+
+
+It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance.  Waving
+my sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I
+at once frightened and examined the enemy.  Well they knew when
+they saw that flamingo-plume floating in the breeze--that awful
+figure standing in the breach--that waving war-sword sparkling in
+the sky--well, I say, they knew the name of the humble individual
+who owned the sword, the plume, and the figure.  The ruffians were
+mustered in front, the cavalry behind.  The flags were flying, the
+drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos, and other instruments of
+Eastern music, raised in the air a strange, barbaric melody; the
+officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries, were seen
+galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the orders of
+Holkar.
+
+You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does
+on a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the
+Burrumpooter river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a
+thousand yards wide, so that I had no fear about them attacking me
+in THAT quarter.  My guns, therefore (with their six-and-thirty
+miserable charges of shot) were dragged round to the point at which
+I conceived Holkar would be most likely to attack me.  I was in a
+situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times as I
+could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a cannon; so the
+attacking party marched and marched, very strongly, about a mile
+and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving the
+slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four
+hundred yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our
+weakness, through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they
+never would have ventured so near).  At that distance--it was about
+the spot where the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise--the
+invading force stopped; the elephants drew up in a line, at right
+angles with our wall (the fools! they thought they should expose
+themselves too much by taking a position parallel to it); the
+cavalry halted too, and--after the deuce's own flourish of trumpets
+and banging of gongs, to be sure,--somebody, in a flame-colored
+satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree (that
+looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet),
+got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and
+began a speech.
+
+The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable
+precision, about three hundred of them.  The following little
+diagram will explain matters:--
+
+
+                                  __G
+                                 |
+      ....................       |
+               E                 |
+                                 |
+                                 |
+                                 | F
+
+
+E is the line of elephants.  F is the wall of the fort.  G a gun in
+the fort.  NOW the reader will see what I did.
+
+The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro
+gracefully before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity,
+brought the gun G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them.  I
+pointed it myself; bang! it went, and what was the consequence?
+Why, this:--
+
+
+               X
+      ____________________       |__G
+      ....................       |
+               E                 |
+                                 |
+                                 |
+                                 | F
+
+
+F is the fort, as before.  G is the gun, as before.  E, the
+elephants, as we have previously seen them.  What then is X?  X IS
+THE LINE TAKEN BY THE BALL FIRED FROM G, which took off ONE HUNDRED
+AND THIRTY-FOUR elephants' trunks, and only spent itself in the
+tusk of a very old animal, that stood the hundred and thirty-fifth.
+
+I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun
+was never pointed in such a way.  Suppose I had been a common man,
+and contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first
+animal?  An ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his
+mark, and what would have been the consequence?  Why, that the ball
+might have killed two elephants and wounded a third; but here,
+probably, it would have stopped, and done no further mischief.  The
+TRUNK was the place at which to aim; there are no bones there; and
+away, consequently, went the bullet, shearing, as I have said,
+through one hundred and thirty-five probosces.  Heavens! what a
+howl there was when the shot took effect!  What a sudden stoppage
+of Holkar's speech!  What a hideous snorting of elephants!  What a
+rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some demon was
+pursuing them!
+
+Away they went.  No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than,
+rushing forward myself, I shouted to my men, "My friends, yonder
+lies your dinner!"  We flung open the gates--we tore down to the
+spot where the elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and
+of those that escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere,
+most had left their trunks behind them.  A great quantity of them
+we seized; and I myself, cutting up with my scimitar a couple of
+the fallen animals, as a butcher would a calf, motioned to the men
+to take the pieces back to the fort, where barbacued elephant was
+served round for dinner, instead of the miserable allowance of an
+olive and a glass of wine, which I had promised to my female
+friends, in my speech to them.  The animal reserved for the ladies
+was a young white one--the fattest and tenderest I ever ate, in my
+life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber
+flavor, which, until one is accustomed to it, is unpalatable.
+
+It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence
+on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had
+forced their way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of
+the garrison larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives,
+and the wine, which were locked up in my own apartment, before
+which stood a sentinel.  Disgusting Mrs. Van!  When I heard of her
+gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat HER.  However, we made a very
+comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks, and when everybody had
+done, had the comfort of knowing that there was enough for one meal
+more.
+
+The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force,
+attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my
+good sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy
+and the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely,
+the enemy sustaining a loss of seven hundred men.  We were
+victorious; but when another attack was made, what were we to do?
+We had still a little powder left, but had fired off all the shot,
+stones, iron-bars, &c. in the garrison!  On this day, too, we
+devoured the last morsel of our food: I shall never forget Mrs.
+Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw her sitting alone,
+attempting to make some impression on the little white elephant's
+roasted tail.
+
+The third day the attack was repeated.  The resources of genius are
+never at an end.  Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I
+discovered charges sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which
+were much longer, but had bores of about blunderbuss size.
+
+This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader
+may remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack.
+The poor wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open
+palanquin, and came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in
+his Hindustan jargon.  Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who
+picked off every one of our men who showed their noses above the
+ramparts: and a great host of blackamoors with scaling-ladders,
+bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, culverins, demilunes,
+counterscarps, and all the other appurtenances of offensive war.
+
+On they came: my guns and men were ready for them.  You will ask
+how my pieces were loaded?  I answer, that though my garrison were
+without food, I knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two
+Dutch cheeses into the two guns, and had crammed the contents of a
+bottle of olives into each swivel.
+
+They advanced,--whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,--bang! went
+the other.  Alas! they did little execution.  In their first
+contact with an opposing body, they certainly floored it but they
+became at once like so much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution
+beyond the man whom they struck down.
+
+"Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine
+Imaums!)" shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the
+failure of my shot.  "Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has
+no more ammunition.  A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man
+who brings me Gahagan's head!"
+
+His men set up a shout, and rushed forward--he, to do him justice,
+was at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and
+poking them with the tip of his scimitar.  They came panting up the
+hill: I was black with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage
+of despair.  "Macgillicuddy," said I, calling that faithful
+officer, "you know where the barrels of powder are?"  He did.  "You
+know the use to make of them?"  He did.  He grasped my hand.
+"Goliah," said he, "farewell!  I swear that the fort shall be in
+atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried it.  Oh, my poor
+mother!" added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet fearless, he
+retired to his post.
+
+I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then,
+stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels;--a shower of
+matchlock balls came whizzing round my head.  I did not heed them.
+
+I took the swivel, and aimed coolly.  Loll Mahommed, his palanquin,
+and his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort.
+Loll was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men.
+I fired--bang! ! !
+
+I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives
+were lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed.
+The wretch, uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever
+heard, fell back dead; the frightened bearers flung down the
+palanquin and ran--the whole host ran as one man: their screams
+might be heard for leagues.  "Tomasha, tomasha," they cried, "it is
+enchantment!"  Away they fled, and the victory a third time was
+ours.  Soon as the fight was done, I flew back to my Belinda.  We
+had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot hunger in the
+thought of once more beholding HER!
+
+The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered,
+and almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which
+caused in her bosom an emotion so strong--it was hunger!  "Oh! my
+Goliah," whispered she, "for three days I have not tasted food--
+I could not eat that horrid elephant yesterday; but now--oh!
+heaven! . . . ."  She could say no more, but sank almost lifeless
+on my shoulder.  I administered to her a trifling dram of rum, which
+revived her for a moment, and then rushed down stairs, determined
+that if it were a piece of my own leg, she should still have
+something to satisfy her hunger.  Luckily I remembered that three or
+four elephants were still lying in the field, having been killed by
+us in the first action, two days before.  Necessity, thought I, has
+no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get
+something better.
+
+I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part,
+assembled.  "Men," said I, "our larder is empty; we must fill it as
+we did the day before yesterday.  Who will follow Gahagan on a
+foraging party?"  I expected that, as on former occasions, every
+man would offer to accompany me.
+
+To my astonishment, not a soul moved--a murmur arose among the
+troops; and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward.
+
+"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants
+for ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the
+fort when the attack is made to-morrow.  We may as well be
+prisoners now as then, and we won't go elephant-hunting any more."
+
+"Ruffian!" I said, "he who first talks of surrender, dies!" and I
+cut him down.  "Is there any one else who wishes to speak?"
+
+No one stirred.
+
+"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what, you dare not move
+for fear of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled
+before your arms--what, do I say YOUR arms?--before MINE!--alone I
+did it; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the
+fortress!  Ho! open the gate!"
+
+I rushed out; not a single man would follow.  The bodies of the
+elephants that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had
+fallen, about four hundred yards from the fort.  I descended calmly
+the hill, a very steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of
+the animals, choosing a tolerably small and plump one, of about
+thirteen feet high, which the vultures had respected.  I threw this
+animal over my shoulders, and made for the fort.
+
+As I marched up the acclivity, whiz--piff--whir! came the balls
+over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the
+body of the elephant like drops of rain.  The enemy were behind me;
+I knew it, and quickened my pace.  I heard the gallop of their
+horse: they came nearer, nearer; I was within a hundred yards of
+the fort--seventy--fifty!  I strained every nerve; I panted with
+the superhuman exertion--I ran--could a man run very fast with such
+a tremendous weight on his shoulders?
+
+Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my
+tail.  O heaven! five yards more--one moment--and I am saved!  It
+is done--I strain the last strain--I make the last step--I fling
+forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me
+and it, and--I fall!  The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE
+OUTSIDE!  Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes--fifty
+black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, "Stop!--kill
+him not, it is Gujputi!"  A film came over my eyes--exhausted
+nature would bear no more.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR.
+
+
+When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found
+myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a
+Hindoo pothukoor (whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and
+looking at me with an air of sagacity.
+
+"Where am I?" I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange
+faces, and the strange apartment which met my view.  "Bekhusm!"
+said the apothecary.  "Silence!  Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of
+those who know his valor, and will save his life."
+
+"Know my valor, slave?  Of course you do," said I; "but the fort--
+the garrison--the elephant--Belinda, my love--my darling--
+Macgillicuddy--the scoundrelly mutineers--the deal bo-- . . . ."
+
+I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily
+upon my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more.
+I fainted again, and I know not how long I lay insensible.
+
+Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied
+restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much
+refreshed.  I had no wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on
+(as indeed well they might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the
+elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a mile in length.  Walking,
+the task is bad enough: but running, it is the deuce; and I would
+recommend any of my readers who may be disposed to try and carry a
+dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace of more than
+five miles an hour.
+
+Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door
+(plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single
+old gentleman, richly habited, entered the room.  Did my eyes
+deceive me?  I had surely seen him before.  No--yes--no--yes--it
+WAS he: the snowy white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to
+a jelly, and level with the rest of the venerable face, proclaimed
+him at once to be--Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's prime
+vizier; whose nose, as the reader may recollect, his Highness had
+flattened with his kaleawn during my interview with him in the
+Pitan's disguise.  I now knew my fate but too well--I was in the
+hands of Holkar.
+
+Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a
+mild air of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he
+was torn to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a
+difference with Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently
+my hand, said, "Life and death, my son, are not ours.  Strength is
+deceitful, valor is unavailing, fame is only wind--the nightingale
+sings of the rose all night--where is the rose in the morning?
+Booch, booch! it is withered by a frost.  The rose makes remarks
+regarding the nightingale, and where is that delightful song-bird?
+Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, and roasted!  Who
+knows how misfortune comes?  It has come to Gahagan Gujputi!"
+
+"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language.  "Gahagan
+Gujputi will bear it like a man."
+
+"No doubt--like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so
+long to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which
+there comes not a morning.  Icy winter is followed by merry spring-
+time--grief is often succeeded by joy."
+
+"Interpret, O riddler!" said I; "Gahagan Khan is no reader of
+puzzles--no prating mollah.  Gujputi loves not words, but swords."
+
+"Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power."
+
+"I know it."
+
+"You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning."
+
+"I dare say."
+
+"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your
+fingers, and your eyes from your head."
+
+"Very possibly."
+
+"They will flay you alive, and then burn you."
+
+"Well; they can't do any more."
+
+"They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,"--it was
+not then taken!--"and repeat upon them the same tortures."
+
+"Ha! Belinda!  Speak--how can all this be avoided?"
+
+"Listen.  Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda."
+
+"He does, Vizier, to distraction."
+
+"Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?"
+
+"A captain."
+
+"A miserable captain--oh shame!  Of what creed is he?"
+
+"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic."
+
+"But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?"
+
+"Alas, no."
+
+"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?"
+
+"'Tis too true."
+
+"Hearken now, Gahagan Khan.  His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me
+to thee.  You shall have the moon-face for your wife--your second
+wife, that is;--the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge,
+who loves you to madness;--with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you
+shall have the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his
+Highness intends to get rid.  You shall be second in command of his
+Highness's forces.  Look, here is his commission signed with the
+celestial seal, and attested by the sacred names of the forty-nine
+Imaums.  You have but to renounce your religion and your service,
+and all these rewards are yours."
+
+He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it
+was beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years,
+but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth,
+and washed off every bit of the writing).  I took it calmly, and
+said, "This is a tempting offer.  O Vizier, how long wilt thou give
+me to consider of it?"
+
+After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to
+give him an answer.  My mind, however, was made up--as soon as he
+was gone, I threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were
+with him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the
+other I did not recognize.  It was about midnight.
+
+"Have you considered?" said the Vizier as he came to my couch.
+
+"I have," said I, sitting up,--I could not stand, for my legs were
+tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs.  "I
+have," said I, "unbelieving dogs!  I have.  Do you think to pervert
+a Christian gentleman from his faith and honor?  Ruffian
+blackamoors! do your worst; heap tortures on this body, they cannot
+last long.  Tear me to pieces: after you have torn me into a
+certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it; and if I did, if
+each torture could last a life, if each limb were to feel the
+agonies of a whole body, what then?  I would bear all--all--all--
+all--all--ALL!"  My breast heaved--my form dilated--my eye flashed
+as I spoke these words.  "Tyrants!" said I, "dulce et decorum est
+pro patria mori."  Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent.
+
+The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down
+his cheeks.
+
+"What a constancy," said he.  "Oh, that such beauty and such
+bravery should be doomed so soon to quit the earth!"
+
+His tall companion only sneered and said, "AND BELINDA--?"
+
+"Ha!" said I, "ruffian, be still!--heaven will protect her spotless
+innocence.  Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too!  Who,
+with his single sword, destroyed thy armies?  Who, with his pistol,
+cleft in twain thy nose-ring?  Who slew thy generals?  Who slew thy
+elephants?  Three hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of
+these I slew one hundred and thirty-five!  Dog, coward, ruffian,
+tyrant, unbeliever!  Gahagan hates thee, spurns thee, spits on
+thee!"
+
+Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of
+rage, and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once
+(it was the very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang
+forward, and seizing his arm, cried--
+
+"Papa! oh, save him!"  It was Puttee Rooge!  "Remember," continued
+she, "his misfortunes--remember, oh, remember my--love!"--and here
+she blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging
+down her head, looked the very picture of modest affection.
+
+Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, "'Tis better as
+it is; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture.  None of
+this shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge," continued the tyrant,
+dragging her away.  "Captain Gahagan dies three hours from hence."
+Puttee Rooge gave one scream and fainted--her father and the Vizier
+carried her off between them; nor was I loth to part with her, for,
+with all her love, she was as ugly as the deuce.
+
+They were gone--my fate was decided.  I had but three hours more of
+life: so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly
+asleep.  As it may happen to any of my readers to be in the same
+situation, and to be hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat
+them to adopt this plan of going to sleep, which I for my part have
+repeatedly found to be successful.  It saves unnecessary annoyance,
+it passes away a great deal of unpleasant time, and it prepares one
+to meet like a man the coming catastrophe.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Three o'clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance
+in the heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to
+conduct me to the torture.  I woke, rose, was carried out, and was
+set on the very white donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted
+through the camp after he was bastinadoed.  Bobbachy Bahawder rode
+behind me, restored to his rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed
+us in on all sides; my ass was conducted by the common executioner:
+a crier went forward, shouting out, "Make way for the destroyer of
+the faithful--he goes to bear the punishment of his crimes."  We
+came to the fatal plain: it was the very spot whence I had borne
+away the elephant, and in full sight of the fort.  I looked towards
+it.  Thank heaven! King George's banner waved on it still--a crowd
+were gathered on the walls--the men, the dastards who had deserted
+me--and women, too.  Among the latter I thought I distinguished ONE
+who--O gods! the thought turned me sick--I trembled and looked pale
+for the first time.
+
+"He trembles! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder,
+ferociously exulting over his conquered enemy.
+
+"Dog!" shouted I--(I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail,
+and so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)--"not so pale as you
+looked when I felled you with this arm--not so pale as your women
+looked when I entered your harem!"  Completely chop-fallen, the
+Indian ruffian was silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM.
+
+We arrived at the place of execution.  A stake, a couple of feet
+thick and eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake,
+about seven feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were
+attached two fetters; in these my wrists were placed.  Two or three
+executioners stood near, with strange-looking instruments: others
+were blowing at a fire, over which was a caldron, and in the embers
+were stuck other prongs and instruments of iron.
+
+The crier came forward and read my sentence.  It was the same in
+effect as that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the
+Grand Vizier.  I confess I was too agitated to catch every word
+that was spoken.
+
+Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance.  The
+Grand Vizier came up to me--it was his duty to stand by, and see
+the punishment performed.  "It is yet time!" said he.
+
+I nodded my head, but did not answer.
+
+The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and
+with a voice choking with emotion, said, "EXECUTIONER--DO--YOUR--
+DUTY!"
+
+The horrid man advanced--he whispered sulkily in the ears of the
+Grand Vizier, "Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree," said he, "the oil
+does not boil yet--wait one minute."  The assistants blew, the fire
+blazed, the oil was heated.  The Vizier drew a few feet aside:
+taking a large ladle full of the boiling liquid, he advanced--
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"Whish! bang, bang! pop!" the executioner was dead at my feet, shot
+through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the
+face of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling.
+"Whish! bang! pop!  Hurrah!--charge!--forwards!--cut them down!--no
+quarter!"
+
+I saw--yes, no, yes, no, yes!--I saw regiment upon regiment of
+galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying
+natives.  First of the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR
+IRREGULARS!  On came the gallant line of black steeds and horsemen,
+swift, swift before them rode my officers in yellow--Glogger,
+Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres gleamed in the sun, their
+voices rung in the air.  "D--- them!" they cried, "give it them,
+boys!"  A strength supernatural thrilled through my veins at that
+delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I wrested the post from
+its foundation, five feet in the ground.  I could not release my
+hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam tightly,
+I sprung forward--with one blow I levelled the five executioners in
+the midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can;
+with the next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off
+their legs; with the third, I caught that chief himself in the
+small of the back, and sent him flying on to the sabres of my
+advancing soldiers!
+
+The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick
+leading on the Irregulars.  Friend and foe in that wild chase had
+swept far away.  We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar;
+and ten minutes afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his
+staff, he found me sitting on it.
+
+"Look at Gahagan," said his lordship.  "Gentlemen, did I not tell
+you we should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?"
+
+The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF
+FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of
+November, 1804.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in
+the Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:--"Married, on
+the 25th of December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter,
+Captain Goliah O'Grady Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse,
+Abmednuggar, to Belinda, second daughter of Major-General Bulcher,
+C.B.  His Excellency the Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride;
+and after a splendid dejeune, the happy pair set off to pass the
+Mango season at Hurrygurrybang.  Venus must recollect, however,
+that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side.  The Irregulars are
+nothing without their leader."
+
+Such was the paragraph--such the event--the happiest in the
+existence of
+
+G. O'G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
+
+
+
+
+A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG.
+
+
+It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that
+bathes its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as
+now, by a few rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers,
+and funguses, and creeping ivy.  No, no! where the ivy now clusters
+there grew strong portcullis and bars of steel; where the
+wallflower now quivers in the rampart there were silken banners
+embroidered with wonderful heraldry; men-at-arms marched where now
+you shall only see a bank of moss or a hideous black champignon;
+and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant me there were ladies
+and knights to revel in the great halls, and to feast, and to
+dance, and to make love there.  They are passed away:--those old
+knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to silver, and
+then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their elegant
+legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and gouty,
+and then, from being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to bare bone-
+shanks; the roses left their cheeks, and then their cheeks
+disappeared, and left their skulls, and then their skulls powdered
+into dust, and all sign of them was gone.  And as it was with them,
+so shall it be with us.  Ho, seneschal! fill me a cup of liquor!
+put sugar in it, good fellow--yea, and a little hot water; a very
+little, for my soul is sad, as I think of those days and knights of
+old.
+
+They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?--gone?--
+nay, not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of
+them as they walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining
+faintly in their coats of steel, wandering by the side of long-
+haired ladies, with long-tailed gowns that little pages carry?
+Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them still in the far-off
+Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions as they hasten to
+battle or tourney--and the dim echoes of their lutes chanting of
+love and fair ladies!  Gracious privilege of poesy!  It is as the
+Dervish's collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures
+that to the sight of donkeys are invisible.  Blessed treasures of
+fancy!  I would not change ye--no, not for many donkey-loads of
+gold. . . .  Fill again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me
+up the produce on the hostel door--surely the spirits of old are
+mixed up in the wondrous liquor, and gentle visions of bygone
+princes and princesses look blandly down on us from the cloudy
+perfume of the pipe.  Do you know in what year the fairies left the
+Rhine?--long before Murray's "Guide-Book" was wrote--long before
+squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came paddling down the
+stream.  Do you not know that once upon a time the appearance of
+eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne as a
+wonder?  Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied
+by their ladies'-maids.  But of them we will say no more--let us
+back to those who went before them.
+
+Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when
+chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon
+the banks of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book,
+and hence must be positively true.  'Tis a story of knights and
+ladies--of love and battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes
+and noble lords, moreover: the best of company.  Gentles, an ye
+will, ye shall hear it.  Fair dames and damsels, may your loves be
+as happy as those of the heroine of this romaunt.
+
+On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in
+the year previously indicated, such travellers as might have
+chanced to be abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a
+fellow-wayfarer journeying on the road from Oberwinter to
+Godesberg.  He was a man not tall in stature, but of the most
+athletic proportions, and Time, which had browned and furrowed his
+cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray, declared pretty clearly
+that He must have been acquainted with the warrior for some fifty
+good years.  He was armed in mail, and rode a powerful and active
+battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had come that day was
+long and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his armor and
+luggage, with seeming ease.  As it was in a friend's country, the
+knight did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet,
+which hung at his saddlebow over his portmanteau.  Both were marked
+with the coronet of a count; and from the crown which surmounted
+the helmet, rose the crest of his knightly race, an arm proper
+lifting a naked sword.
+
+At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior's grasp, hung his
+mangonel or mace--a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains
+of many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest
+there fell the triangular shield of the period, whereon were
+emblazoned his arms--argent, a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of
+the second: the latter device was awarded for a daring exploit
+before Ascalon, by the Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the
+German Peerage of that day, or a knowledge of high families which
+every gentleman then possessed, would have sufficed to show at once
+that the rider we have described was of the noble house of
+Hombourg.  It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir Ludwig of
+Hombourg: his rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor of
+Austria, was marked by the cap of maintenance with the peacock's
+feather which he wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely
+blood was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a
+very meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, as it
+is known, in the middle ages, none but princes were justified in
+using.  A bag, fastened with a brazen padlock, and made of the
+costly produce of the Persian looms (then extremely rare in
+Europe), told that he had travelled in Eastern climes.  This, too,
+was evident from the inscription writ on card or parchment, and
+sewed on the bag.  It first ran "Count Ludwig de Hombourg,
+Jerusalem;" but the name of the Holy City had been dashed out with
+the pen, and that of "Godesberg" substituted.  So far indeed had
+the cavalier travelled!--and it is needless to state that the bag
+in question contained such remaining articles of the toilet as the
+high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place in his valise.
+
+"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!" said the good knight,
+shivering, "'tis colder here than at Damascus!  Marry, I am so
+hungry I could eat one of Saladin's camels.  Shall I be at
+Godesberg in time for dinner?"  And taking out his horologe (which
+hung in a small side-pocket of his embroidered surcoat), the
+crusader consoled himself by finding that it was but seven of the
+night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the warder had sounded
+the second gong.
+
+His opinion was borne out by the result.  His good steed, which
+could trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to
+this famous castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome
+signal which told that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave
+of Godesberg, were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight
+o'clock.  Crowds of pages and horse-keepers were in the court,
+when, the portcullis being raised, and amidst the respectful
+salutes of the sentinels, the most ancient friend of the house of
+Godesberg entered into its castle-yard.  The under-butler stepped
+forward to take his bridle-rein.  "Welcome, Sir Count, from the
+Holy Land!" exclaimed the faithful old man.  "Welcome, Sir Count,
+from the Holy Land!" cried the rest of the servants in the hall.  A
+stable was speedily found for the Count's horse, Streithengst, and
+it was not before the gallant soldier had seen that true animal
+well cared for, that he entered the castle itself, and was
+conducted to his chamber.  Wax-candles burning bright on the
+mantel, flowers in china vases, every variety of soap, and a flask
+of the precious essence manufactured at the neighboring city of
+Cologne, were displayed on his toilet-table; a cheering fire
+"crackled on the hearth," and showed that the good knight's coming
+had been looked and cared for.  The serving-maidens, bringing him
+hot water for his ablutions, smiling asked, "Would he have his
+couch warmed at eve?"  One might have been sure from their blushes
+that the tough old soldier made an arch reply.  The family tonsor
+came to know whether the noble Count had need of his skill.  "By
+Saint Bugo," said the knight, as seated in an easy settle by the
+fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and lightly
+passed the tongs and pomatum through "the sable silver" of his
+hair,--"By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand
+Cairo.  How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady
+countess, his mother; and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother-
+in-arms?"
+
+"They are well," said the tonsor, with a sigh.
+
+"By Saint Bugo, I'm glad on't; but why that sigh?"
+
+"Things are not as they have been with my good lord," answered the
+hairdresser, "ever since Count Gottfried's arrival."
+
+"He here!" roared Sir Ludwig.  "Good never came where Gottfried
+was!" and the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed
+admirably the proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his
+coat of mail for the spotless vest and black surcoat collared with
+velvet of Genoa, which was the fitting costume for "knight in
+ladye's bower," the knight entered into a conversation with the
+barber, who explained to him, with the usual garrulousness of his
+tribe, what was the present position of the noble family of
+Godesberg.
+
+This will be narrated in the next chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE GODESBERGERS.
+
+
+'Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg
+found in the bosom of his friend's family a cordial welcome.  The
+brother-in-arms of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of
+the Margravine, the exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and
+(albeit no theologian, and although the first princes of
+Christendom coveted such an honor,) he was selected to stand as
+sponsor for the Margrave's son Otto, the only child of his house.
+
+It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been
+united: and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more
+than one child, it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and
+that surely never lighted on the earth a more delightful vision.
+When Count Ludwig, hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his
+beloved godchild, he had left him a boy; he now found him, as the
+latter rushed into his arms, grown to be one of the finest young
+men in Germany: tall and excessively graceful in proportion, with
+the blush of health mantling upon his cheek, that was likewise
+adorned with the first down of manhood, and with magnificent golden
+ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling over his brow and
+his shoulders.  His eyes alternately beamed with the fire of
+daring, or melted with the moist glance of benevolence.  Well might
+a mother be proud of such a boy.  Well might the brave Ludwig
+exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his breast, "By St. Bugo of
+Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion's
+grenadiers!" and it was the fact: the "Childe" of Godesberg
+measured six feet three.
+
+He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple
+attire of the nobleman of the period--and his costume a good deal
+resembled that of the old knight whose toilet we have just
+described; with the difference of color, however.  The pourpoint
+worn by young Otto of Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated
+with buttons of carved and embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or
+leggings, were of the stuff of Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard
+argosies at an immense price from China.  The neighboring country
+of Holland had supplied his wrists and bosom with the most costly
+laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat placed on one side of
+his head, ornamented with a single flower, (that brilliant one, the
+tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather's dressing-room, and
+warned him that the banquet was ready.
+
+It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady
+Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation;
+for she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid
+fish now smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for
+herself, but for her lord's sake.  "Godesberg," whispered she to
+Count Ludwig, as trembling on his arm they descended from the
+drawing-room, "Godesberg is sadly changed of late."
+
+"By St. Bugo!" said the burly knight, starting, "these are the very
+words the barber spake."
+
+The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen.
+For some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much
+occupied in ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves' head
+of which the delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did
+we say? ay, marry, and in eating them, too,) to look at his
+brother-in-arms at the bottom of the table, where he sat with his
+son on his left hand, and the Baron Gottfried on his right.
+
+The Margrave was INDEED changed.  "By St. Bugo," whispered Ludwig
+to the Countess, your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been
+wounded o' the head."  Tears falling into her soup-plate were her
+only reply.  The soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count
+Ludwig remarked that the Margrave sent all away untasted.
+
+"The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg," said the Margrave
+gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to
+drink! how different was this from the old times!
+
+But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to
+hand round the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party,
+and to fill young Otto's goblet, (which the latter held up with the
+eagerness of youth,) the Margrave's rage knew no bounds.  He rushed
+at his son; he dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest: and
+giving him three or four heavy blows which would have knocked down
+a bonassus, but only caused the young Childe to blush: "YOU take
+wine!" roared out the Margrave; "YOU dare to help yourself!  Who
+time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help yourself?" and the terrible blows
+were reiterated over the delicate ears of the boy.
+
+"Ludwig! Ludwig!" shrieked the Margravine.
+
+"Hold your prate, madam," roared the Prince.  "By St. Buffo, mayn't
+a father beat his own child?"
+
+"HIS OWN CHILD!" repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a
+shriek of indescribable agony.  "Ah, what did I say?"
+
+Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the
+Margrave's right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much
+agitated by the recent conflict to wear any expression but that of
+extreme discomfiture; but the poor Margravine turned her head aside
+and blushed, red almost as the lobster which flanked the turbot
+before her.
+
+In those rude old times, 'tis known such table quarrels were by no
+means unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen
+the Margrave cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or
+empty a sauce-boat in the direction of the Margravine, thought this
+was but one of the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible
+friend, and wisely determined to change the converse.
+
+"How is my friend," said he, "the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?"
+
+"By Saint Buffo, this is too much!" screamed the Margrave, and
+actually rushed from time room.
+
+"By Saint Bugo," said his friend, "gallant knights, gentle sirs,
+what ails my good Lord Margave?"
+
+"Perhaps his nose bleeds," said Gottfried, with a sneer.
+
+"Ah, my kind friend," said the Margravine with uncontrollable
+emotion, "I fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into
+the fire."  And making the signal of departure to the ladies, they
+rose and retired to coffee in the drawing-room.
+
+The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected
+than he had been.  "Otto," he said sternly, "go join the ladies: it
+becomes not a young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights
+after dinner."  The noble Childe with manifest unwillingness
+quitted the room, and the Margrave, taking his lady's place at the
+head of the table, whispered to Sir Ludwig, "Hildebrandt will be
+here to-night to an evening-party, given in honor of your return
+from Palestine.  My good friend--my true friend--my old companion
+in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see that the fiddlers be not
+drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready."  Sir Gottfried,
+obsequiously taking his patron's hint, bowed and left the room.
+
+"You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig," said the Margrave, with a
+heart-rending look.  "You marked Gottfried, who left the room
+anon?"
+
+"I did."
+
+"You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee,
+Ludwig, that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend.
+Why should he not be!  He is my near relation, heir to my property:
+should I" (here the Margrave's countenance assumed its former
+expression of excruciating agony),--"SHOULD I HAVE NO SON."
+
+"But I never saw the boy in better health," replied Sir Ludwig.
+
+"Nevertheless,--ha! ha!--it may chance that I shall soon have no
+son."
+
+The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir
+Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather
+deeply.  He proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern
+soldier of those days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the
+punch-bowl: and many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in
+Syria with lion-hearted Richard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of
+Bouillon; nay, with the dauntless Saladin himself.
+
+"You knew Gottfried in Palestine?" asked the Margrave.
+
+"I did."
+
+"Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with
+the warm grasp of friendship?  It is not because Sir Gottfried is
+poor?  You know well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my
+early friend!"
+
+"I care not for his race nor for his poverty," replied the blunt
+crusader.  "What says the Minnesinger?  'Marry, that the rank is
+but the stamp of the guinea; the man is the gold.'  And I tell
+thee, Karl of Godesberg, that yonder Gottfried is base metal."
+
+"By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig."
+
+"By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth.  The fellow was known i'
+the camp of the crusaders--disreputably known.  Ere he joined us in
+Palestine, he had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts
+of the Greek.  He is a cogger of dice, I tell thee--a chanter of
+horseflesh.  He won five thousand marks from bluff Richard of
+England the night before the storming of Ascalon, and I caught him
+with false trumps in his pocket.  He warranted a bay mare to Conrad
+of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had fired her."
+
+"Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?" cried Sir Karl, knitting
+his brows.  "Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had
+any other but Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him
+from skull to chine."
+
+"By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir
+Gottfried's body--not on thine, old brother-in-arms.  And to do the
+knave justice, he is a good lance.  Holy Bugo! but he did good
+service at Acre!  But his character was such that, spite of his
+bravery, he was dismissed the army; nor even allowed to sell his
+captain's commission."
+
+"I have heard of it," said the Margrave; "Gottfried hath told me of
+it.  'Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup--a mere silly
+jape, believe me.  Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on
+the board.  Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black
+bottle at the county's head.  Hence his dismission and abrupt
+return.  But you know not," continued the Margrave, with a heavy
+sigh, "of what use that worthy Gottfried has been to me.  He has
+uncloaked a traitor to me."
+
+"Not YET," answered Hombourg, satirically.
+
+"By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable
+traitor!--a nest of traitors.  Hildebranndt is a traitor--Otto is a
+traitor--and Theodora (O heaven!) she--she is ANOTHER."  The old
+Prince burst into tears at the word, and was almost choked with
+emotion.
+
+"What means this passion, dear friend?" cried Sir Ludwig, seriously
+alarmed.
+
+"Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark
+Hildebrandt and OTTO together.  Like, like I tell thee as two peas.
+O holy saints, that I should be born to suffer this!--to have all
+my affections wrenched out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my
+old age!  But, hark! the guests are arriving.  An ye will not empty
+another flask of claret, let us join the ladyes i' the withdrawing
+chamber.  When there, mark HILDEBRANDT AND OTTO!"
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE FESTIVAL.
+
+
+The festival was indeed begun.  Coming on horseback, or in their
+caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in
+the grand saloon of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to
+receive them.  Servitors, in rich liveries, (they were attired in
+doublets of the sky-blue broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the
+richest yellow sammit--the colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore
+about various refreshments on trays of silver--cakes, baked in the
+oven, and swimming in melted butter; manchets of bread, smeared
+with the same delicious condiment, and carved so thin that you
+might have expected them to take wing and fly to the ceiling;
+coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his excursion into
+Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce, circulated
+amidst the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the guests.
+The Margrave's gloom was unheeded by them--how little indeed is the
+smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts of
+those who bid them to the feast!  The Margravine was pale; but
+woman knows how to deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous
+to her friends, and laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and
+talked, though the talk was loathsome to her.
+
+"The two are together," said the Margrave, clutching his friend's
+shoulder.  "NOW LOOK!"
+
+Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were
+Sir Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance.
+Two eggs were not more like!  The reason of the Margrave's horrid
+suspicion at once flashed across his friend's mind.
+
+"'Tis clear as the staff of a pike," said the poor Margrave,
+mournfully.  "Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a
+game at cribbage!" and retiring to the Margravine's boudoir, the
+two warriors sat down to the game.
+
+But though 'tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won,
+yet he could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was
+his mind by the dreadful secret which weighed upon it.  In the
+midst of their play, the obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a
+word in his patron's ear, which threw the latter into such a fury,
+that apoplexy was apprehended by the two lookers-on.  But the
+Margrave mastered his emotion.  "AT WHAT TIME, did you say?" said
+he to Gottfried.
+
+"At daybreak, at the outer gate."
+
+"I will be there."
+
+"AND SO WILL I TOO," thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of
+Hombourg.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE FLIGHT.
+
+
+How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future,
+and think he can bend stern fate to his will!  Alas, we are but
+creatures in its hands!  How many a slip between the lip and the
+lifted wine-cup!  How often, though seemingly with a choice of
+couches to repose upon, do we find ourselves dashed to earth; and
+then we are fain to say the grapes are sour, because we cannot
+attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in consequence of our own
+fault.  Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE OUTER GATE at
+daybreak.
+
+He slept until ten of the clock.  The previous night's potations
+had been heavy, the day's journey had been long and rough.  The
+knight slept as a soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity,
+and who wakes not till he hears the blast of the reveille.
+
+He looked up as he woke.  At his bedside sat the Margrave.  He had
+been there for hours watching his slumbering comrade.  Watching?--
+no, not watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts
+unutterably bitter--over feelings inexpressibly wretched.
+
+"What's o'clock?" was the first natural exclamation of the
+Hombourger.
+
+"I believe it is five o'clock," said his friend.  It was ten.  It
+might have been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six,
+the Margrave would still have said, "I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O'CLOCK."
+The wretched take no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions,
+indeed, for THEM.
+
+"Is breakfast over?" inquired the crusader.
+
+"Ask the butler," said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly,
+rolling his eyes wildly, smiling wildly.
+
+"Gracious Bugo!" said the Knight of Hombourg, "what has ailed thee,
+my friend?  It is ten o'clock by my horologe.  Your regular hour is
+nine.  You are not--no, by heavens! you are not shaved!  You wear
+the tights and silken hose of last evening's banquet.  Your collar
+is all rumpled--'tis that of yesterday.  YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED!
+What has chanced, brother of mine: what has chanced?"
+
+"A common chance, Louis of Hombourg," said the Margrave: "one that
+chances every day.  A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart.
+THIS has chanced.  I have not been to bed."
+
+"What mean ye?" cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected.  "A false
+friend?  I am not a false friend.  A false woman?  Surely the
+lovely Theodora, your wife--"
+
+"I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son."
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had
+occurred.  Gottfried's information was but too correct.  There was
+a CAUSE for the likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal
+cause!  Hildebrandt and Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate.
+The Margrave had seen them.  They walked long together; they
+embraced.  Ah! how the husband's, the father's, feelings were
+harrowed at that embrace!  They parted; and then the Margrave,
+coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she was to retire
+to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should be sent
+too, to take the vows at a monastery.
+
+Both sentences had been executed.  Otto, in a boat, and guarded by
+a company of his father's men-at-arms, was on the river going
+towards Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there.  The Lady
+Theodora, under the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were
+on their way to the convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our
+readers have seen--the beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the
+bright waters of the Rhine!
+
+"What road did Gottfried take?" asked the Knight of Hombourg,
+grinding his teeth.
+
+"You cannot overtake him," said the Margrave.  "My good Gottfried,
+he is my only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir.
+He will be back anon."
+
+"Will he so?" thought Sir Ludwig.  "I will ask him a few questions
+ere he return."  And springing from his couch, he began forthwith
+to put on his usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a
+hasty ablution, donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet
+of battle.  He rang the bell violently.
+
+"A cup of coffee, straight," said he, to the servitor who answered
+the summons; "bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper,
+and the groom saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride."
+
+The various orders were obeyed.  The horse was brought; the
+refreshments disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing
+steed were heard in the court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice
+of his friend, and sat, plunged in silent grief, quite motionless
+by the empty bedside.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE TRAITOR'S DOOM.
+
+
+The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts
+from the hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green
+plain below.  Who has not seen that lovely plain, and who that has
+seen it has not loved it?  A thousand sunny vineyards and
+cornfields stretch around in peaceful luxuriance; the mighty Rhine
+floats by it in silver magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise
+the seven mountains robed in majestic purple, the monarchs of the
+royal scene.
+
+A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has
+mentioned that "peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that
+offer cake and wine," are perpetually crowding round the traveller
+in this delicious district, and proffering to him their rustic
+presents.  This was no doubt the case in former days, when the
+noble bard wrote his elegant poems--in the happy ancient days! when
+maidens were as yet generous, and men kindly!  Now the degenerate
+peasantry of the district are much more inclined to ask than to
+give, and their blue eyes seem to have disappeared with their
+generosity.
+
+But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story
+occurred, 'tis probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was
+greeted upon his path by this fascinating peasantry; though we know
+not how he accepted their welcome.  He continued his ride across
+the flat green country until he came to Rolandseck, whence he could
+command the Island of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine opposite
+that place), and all who went to it or passed from it.
+
+Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging
+above the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous
+cactuses and silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day
+may perceive a rude broken image of a saint: that image represented
+the venerable Saint Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and
+Sir Ludwig, kneeling on the greensward, and reciting a censer, an
+ave, and a couple of acolytes before it, felt encouraged to think
+that the deed he meditated was about to be performed under the very
+eyes of his friend's sanctified patron.  His devotion done (and the
+knight of those days was as pious as he was brave), Sir Ludwig, the
+gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud voice:--
+
+"Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?"
+
+"Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?" exclaimed a
+voice from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of
+geranium and magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient,
+and majestic head--'twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo's
+solitary.  A silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an
+appearance of great respectability; his body was robed in simple
+brown serge, and girt with a knotted cord: his ancient feet were
+only defended from the prickles and stones by the rudest sandals,
+and his bald and polished head was bare.
+
+"Holy hermit," said the knight, in a grave voice, "make ready thy
+ministry, for there is some one about to die."
+
+"Where, son?"
+
+"Here, father."
+
+"Is he here, now?"
+
+"Perhaps," said the stout warrior, crossing himself; "but not so if
+right prevail."  At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat
+putting off from Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board.  Ludwig knew
+at once, by the sinople reversed and the truncated gules on his
+surcoat, that it was Sir Gottfried of Godesberg.
+
+"Be ready, father," said the good knight, pointing towards the
+advancing boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the
+reverend hermit, without a further word, he vaulted into his
+saddle, and rode back for a few score of paces; when he wheeled
+round, and remained steady.  His great lance and pennon rose in the
+air.  His armor glistened in the sun; the chest and head of his
+battle-horse were similarly covered with steel.  As Sir Gottfried,
+likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had been left at the
+ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started at the
+figure before him--a glistening tower of steel.
+
+"Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?" said Sir Gottfried,
+haughtily, "or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your
+lady-love?"
+
+"I am not the lord of this pass.  I do not hold it against all
+comers.  I hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a
+traitor."
+
+"As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass," said
+Gottfried.
+
+"The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg.  Liar and
+traitor! art thou coward, too?"
+
+"Holy Saint Buffo! 'tis a fight!" exclaimed the old hermit (who,
+too, had been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war-
+horse that hears the trumpet's sound, and spite of his clerical
+profession, he prepared to look on at the combat with no ordinary
+eagerness, and sat down on the overhanging ledge of the rock,
+lighting his pipe, and affecting unconcern, but in reality most
+deeply interested in the event which was about to ensue.
+
+As soon as the word "coward" had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his
+opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here,
+had wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the
+rest.
+
+"Ha! Beauseant!" cried he.  "Allah humdillah!"  'Twas the battle-
+cry in Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers.  "Look
+to thyself, Sir Knight, and for mercy from heaven!  I will give
+thee none."
+
+"A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!" exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that,
+too, was the well-known war-cry of his princely race.
+
+"I will give the signal," said the old hermit, waving his pipe.
+"Knights, are you ready?  One, two, three.  LOS!" (let go.)
+
+At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds;
+the two knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel,
+rapidly converged; the two lances met upon the two shields of
+either, and shivered, splintered, shattered into ten hundred
+thousand pieces, which whirled through the air here and there,
+among the rocks, or in the trees, or in the river.  The two horses
+fell back trembling on their haunches, where they remained for half
+a minute or so.
+
+"Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!" said the old hermit.  "Marry, but a
+splinter wellnigh took off my nose!"  The honest hermit waved his
+pipe in delight, not perceiving that one of the splinters had
+carried off the head of it, and rendered his favorite amusement
+impossible.  "Ha! they are to it again!  O my! how they go to with
+their great swords!  Well stricken, gray!  Well parried, piebald!
+Ha, that was a slicer!  Go it, piebald! go it, gray!--go it, gray!
+go it, pie--  Peccavi! peccavi!" said the old man, here suddenly
+closing his eyes, and falling down on his knees.  "I forgot I was a
+man of peace."  And the next moment, muttering a hasty matin, he
+sprung down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of the
+combatants.
+
+The battle was over.  Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his
+strength and skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the
+Hombourger, with RIGHT on his side.  He was bleeding at every point
+of his armor: he had been run through the body several times, and a
+cut in tierce, delivered with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the
+crown of his helmet of Damascus steel, and passing through the
+cerebellum and sensorium, had split his nose almost in twain.
+
+His mouth foaming--his face almost green--his eyes full of blood--
+his brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth
+knocked out,--the discomfited warrior presented a ghastly
+spectacle, as, reeling under the effects of the last tremendous
+blow which the Knight of Hombourg dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily
+from the saddle of his piebald charger; the frightened animal
+whisked his tail wildly with a shriek and a snort, plunged out his
+hind legs, trampling for one moment upon the feet of the prostrate
+Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek with agony, and then
+galloped away riderless.
+
+Away! ay, away!--away amid the green vineyards and golden
+cornfields; away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the
+eagles in their eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the
+flashing cataracts tumble; away through the dark pine-forests,
+where the hungry wolves are howling away over the dreary wolds,
+where the wild wind walks alone; away through the plashing
+quagmires, where the will-o'-the-wisp slunk frightened among the
+reeds; away through light and darkness, storm and sunshine; away by
+tower and town, high-road and hamlet.  Once a turnpike-man would
+have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike, and cleared it
+at a bound.  Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way: he charged
+the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the roof,
+and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on!  Brave
+horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby!  On went the horse,
+over mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped
+until he reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was
+accustomed to put him up.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE CONFESSION.
+
+
+But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual.
+Having examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the
+old hermit (a skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the
+vanquished one and said, "Sir Knight, it is my painful duty to
+state to you that you are in an exceedingly dangerous condition,
+and will not probably survive."
+
+"Say you so, Sir Priest? then 'tis time I make my confession.
+Hearken you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be."
+
+Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his
+horse up to a tree), lifted his visor and said, "Gottfried of
+Godesberg!  I am the friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose
+happiness thou hast ruined; I am the friend of his chaste and
+virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou hast belied; I am the godfather
+of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou wouldst have appropriated.
+Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and overcame thee, and have
+wellnigh finished thee.  Speak on."
+
+"I have done all this," said the dying man, "and here, in my last
+hour, repent me.  The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the
+youthful Otto the true son of his father--Sir Hildebrandt is not
+his father, but his UNCLE."
+
+"Gracious Buffo!"  "Celestial Bugo!" here said the hermit and the
+Knight of Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands.
+
+"Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon.  Hence
+he could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady
+Theodora's spotless purity (though the young people had been
+brought up together) could never be brought to own the relationship."
+
+"May I repeat your confession?" asked the hermit.
+
+"With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the
+Margrave, and pray him give me pardon.  Were there--a notary-public
+present," slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing
+over his eyes, "I would ask--you--two--gentlemen to witness it.  I
+would gladly--sign the deposition--that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr-
+ite!"  A faint shuddering smile--a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle--the
+blood gushed from his mouth in black volumes . . . .
+
+"He will never sin more," said the hermit, solemnly.
+
+"May heaven assoilzie him!" said Sir Ludwig.  "Hermit, he was a
+gallant knight.  He died with harness on his back and with truth on
+his lips: Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . ."
+
+An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of
+Godesberg were rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot
+into the court-yard of the castle, with a companion on the crupper
+of his saddle.  'Twas the venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for
+the sake of greater celerity, had adopted this undignified
+conveyance, and whose appearance and little dumpy legs might well
+create hilarity among the "pampered menials" who are always found
+lounging about the houses of the great.  He skipped off the saddle
+with considerable lightness however; and Sir Ludwig, taking the
+reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering servitors into
+awe, bade one of them lead him to the presence of his Highness the
+Margrave.
+
+"What has chanced?" said the inquisitive servitor.  "The riderless
+horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon.
+The Margrave's Grace has never quitted your lordship's chamber, and
+sits as one distraught."
+
+"Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!"  And so saying, the Knight
+and his Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where,
+according to the servitor's description, the wretched Margrave sat
+like a stone.
+
+Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man's hands, the hermit
+seized the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with
+a prolixity which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the
+events which we have already described.  Let the dear reader fancy,
+while his Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave
+gradually lighting up with attention; the flush of joy which
+mantles in his countenance--the start--the throb--the almost
+delirious outburst of hysteric exultation with which, when the
+whole truth was made known, he clasped the two messengers of glad
+tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost choked the aged
+recluse!  "Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine--say I have
+wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back--that I
+forgive her--that I apologize if you will"--and a secretary
+forthwith despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off
+by a fleet messenger.
+
+"Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him
+send me back my boy, my darling, my Otto--my Otto of roses!" said
+the fond father, making the first play upon words he had ever
+attempted in his life.  But what will not paternal love effect?
+The secretary (smiling at the joke) wrote another letter, and
+another fleet messenger was despatched on another horse.
+
+"And now," said Sir Ludwig, playfully, "let us to lunch.  Holy
+hermit, are you for a snack?"
+
+The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the
+three gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which
+the remains of the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said,
+ample means.
+
+"They will be home by dinner-time," said the exulting father.
+"Ludwig! reverend hermit! we will carry on till then."  And the cup
+passed gayly round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the
+three happy friends sat confidentially awaiting the return of the
+Margravine and her son.
+
+But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former
+chapter, that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is
+often many a spill? that our hopes are high, and often, too often,
+vain?  About three hours after the departure of the first
+messenger, he returned, and with an exceedingly long face knelt
+down and presented to the Margrave a billet to the following
+effect:--
+
+
+"CONVENT OF NONNENWERTH, Friday Afternoon.
+
+"SIR--I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed
+to bear it no more.  I will no longer be made the butt of your
+ribald satire, and the object of your coarse abuse.  Last week you
+threatened me with your cane!  On Tuesday last you threw a wine-
+decanter at me, which hit the butler, it is true, but the intention
+was evident.  This morning, in the presence of all the servants,
+you called me by the most vile, abominable name, which heaven
+forbid I should repeat!  You dismissed me from your house under a
+false accusation.  You sent me to this odious convent to be immured
+for life.  Be it so! I will not come back, because, forsooth; you
+relent.  Anything is better than a residence with a wicked, coarse,
+violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself.  I remain here
+for ever and blush to be obliged to sign myself
+
+"THEODORA VON GODESBERG.
+
+"P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels,
+and wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your
+house in order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would
+like to tear out.  T. V. G."
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE SENTENCE.
+
+
+This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at
+all times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages,
+struck dismay into the heart of the Margrave.
+
+"Are her ladyship's insinuations correct?" asked the hermit, in a
+severe tone.  "To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say
+a justifiable practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both
+to the liquor and to her."
+
+"But she sent a carving-knife at me first," said the heartbroken
+husband.  "O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen
+to thy green and yellow tongue?"
+
+"They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely," whispered
+Sir Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture
+upon family discord and marital authority, which would have sent
+his two hearers to sleep, but for the arrival of the second
+messenger, whom the Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son.
+This herald wore a still longer face than that of his comrade who
+preceded him.
+
+"Where is my darling?" roared the agonized parent.  "Have ye
+brought him with ye?"
+
+"N--no," said the man, hesitating.
+
+"I will flog the knave soundly when he comes," cried the father,
+vainly endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his
+inward emotion and tenderness.
+
+"Please, your Highness," said the messenger, making a desperate
+effort, "Count Otto is not at the convent."
+
+"Know ye, knave, where he is?"
+
+The swain solemnly said, "I do.  He is THERE."  He pointed as he
+spake to the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted
+up by the magnificent hues of sunset.
+
+"THERE!  How mean ye THERE?" gasped the Margrave, wrought to a
+pitch of nervous fury.
+
+"Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct
+him to the convent, he--he jumped suddenly from it, and is
+dr--dr--owned."
+
+"Carry that knave out and hang him!" said the Margrave, with a
+calmness more dreadful than any outburst of rage.  "Let every man
+of the boat's crew be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the
+tower--except the coxswain, and let him be--"
+
+What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that
+moment, and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down
+lifeless on the floor.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG.
+
+
+It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers
+we dare venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found)
+that the cause of the Margrave's fainting-fit, described in the
+last chapter, was a groundless apprehension on the part of that too
+solicitous and credulous nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved
+child.  No, young Otto was NOT drowned.  Was ever hero of romantic
+story done to death so early in the tale?  Young Otto was NOT
+drowned.  Had such been the case, the Lord Margrave would
+infallibly have died at the close of the last chapter; and a few
+gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted how the lovely
+Lady Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir Ludwig
+determined, upon the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon the
+shock of hearing the news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and
+assume the robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late
+venerable and solitary ecclesiastic.  Otto was NOT drowned, and all
+those personages of our history are consequently alive and well.
+
+The boat containing the amazed young Count--for he knew not the
+cause of his father's anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust
+sentence which the Margrave had uttered--had not rowed many miles,
+when the gallant boy rallied from his temporary surprise and
+despondency, and determined not to be a slave in any convent of any
+order: determined to make a desperate effort for escape.  At a
+moment when the men were pulling hard against the tide, and Kuno,
+the coxswain, was looking carefully to steer the barge between some
+dangerous rocks and quicksands which are frequently met with in the
+majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave a sudden spring from the
+boat, and with one single flounce was in the boiling, frothing,
+swirling eddy of the stream.
+
+Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young
+lord!  All loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but
+as they did not know how to swim, of course they declined to make
+any useless plunges in search of him, and stood on their oars in
+mute wonder and grief.  ONCE, his fair head and golden ringlets
+were seen to arise from the water; TWICE, puffing and panting, it
+appeared for an instant again; THRICE, it rose but for one single
+moment: it was the last chance, and it sunk, sunk, sunk.  Knowing
+the reception they would meet with from their liege lord, the men
+naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but putting in at the
+first creek on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke of Nassau's
+territory; where, as they have little to do with our tale, we will
+leave them.
+
+But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto.  He had
+disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED.  He
+calculated that his conductors would consider him drowned, and the
+desire of liberty lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in
+this instance,) the gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never
+lifting his head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne--
+the distance being twenty-five or thirty miles.
+
+Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the
+river, repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he
+had had an accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the
+moisture of his habiliments, and while these were drying before a
+fire in his chamber, went snugly to bed, where he mused, not
+without amaze, on the strange events of the day.  "This morning,"
+thought he, "a noble, and heir to a princely estate--this evening
+an outcast, with but a few bank-notes which my mamma luckily gave
+me on my birthday.  What a strange entry into life is this for a
+young man of my family!  Well, I have courage and resolution: my
+first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful one; other
+dangers will be conquered by similar bravery."  And recommending
+himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the care of
+their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy fell
+presently into such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the
+innocent, and the extremely fatigued can enjoy.
+
+The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued
+after swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto
+to sleep so profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday's
+sunset, as a natural consequence, Saturday's Phoebus illumined the
+world, ay, and sunk at his appointed hour.  The serving-maidens of
+the hostel, peeping in, marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a
+pretty youth, tripped lightly from the chamber; the boots tried
+haply twice or thrice to call him (as boots will fain), but the
+lovely boy, giving another snore, turned on his side, and was quite
+unconscious of the interruption.  In a word, the youth slept for
+six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the Sunday sun was
+shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne were
+clinking and tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and
+burgheresses of the town were trooping to vespers and morning
+service when Otto awoke.
+
+As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the
+astonished boy could not at first account for his difficulty in
+putting them on.  "Marry," said he, "these breeches that my blessed
+mother" (tears filled his fine eyes as he thought of her)--"that my
+blessed mother had made long on purpose, are now ten inches too
+short for me.  Whir-r-r! my coat cracks i' the back, as in vain I
+try to buckle it round me; and the sleeves reach no farther than my
+elbows!  What is this mystery?  Am I grown fat and tall in a single
+night?  Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it."
+
+The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily.  He bethought
+him of the reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from
+being five-and-twenty miles under water.
+
+But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not
+say was to purchase new ones.  Inquiring the way to the most
+genteel ready-made-clothes' establishment in the city of Cologne,
+and finding it was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of
+the celebrated Moses of London, the noble Childe hied him towards
+the emporium; but you may be sure did not neglect to perform his
+religious duties by the way.  Entering the cathedral, he made
+straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo, and hiding himself behind a
+pillar there (fearing he might be recognized by the archbishop, or
+any of his father's numerous friends in Cologne), he proceeded with
+his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles of the age.
+
+But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could
+not refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he
+remarked with surprise that the whole church was filled with
+archers; and he remembered, too, that he had seen in the streets
+numerous other bands of men similarly attired in green.  On asking
+at the cathedral porch the cause of this assemblage, one of the
+green ones said (in a jape), "Marry, youngster, YOU must be GREEN,
+not to know that we are all bound to the castle of his Grace Duke
+Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery meeting once a year, and
+prizes for which we toxophilites muster strong."
+
+Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately
+settled what to do.  He straightway repaired to the ready-made
+emporium of Herr Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with
+an archer's complete dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his
+vast stock, which fitted the youth to a T, and we need not say was
+sold at an exceedingly moderate price.  So attired (and bidding
+Herr Moses a cordial farewell), young Otto was a gorgeous, a noble,
+a soul-inspiring boy to gaze on.  A coat and breeches of the most
+brilliant pea-green, ornamented with a profusion of brass buttons,
+and fitting him with exquisite tightness, showed off a figure
+unrivalled for slim symmetry.  His feet were covered with peaked
+buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his slender waist, of the
+same material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe and pouch, and his
+long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous youth had as yet
+only employed it to fashion wicket-bails, or to cut bread-and-
+cheese, he was now quite ready to use against the enemy.  His
+personal attractions were enhanced by a neat white hat, flung
+carelessly and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling
+countenance; and his lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow
+ringlets, fell over his shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down
+his back as far as the waist-buttons of his coat.  I warrant me,
+many a lovely Colnerinn looked after the handsome Childe with
+anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid under the guise of "a
+bonny boy in green."
+
+So accoutred, the youth's next thought was, that he must supply
+himself with a bow.  This he speedily purchased at the most
+fashionable bowyer's, and of the best material and make.  It was of
+ivory, trimmed with pink ribbon, and the cord of silk.  An elegant
+quiver, beautifully painted and embroidered, was slung across his
+back, with a dozen of the finest arrows, tipped with steel of
+Damascus, formed of the branches of the famous Upas-tree of Java,
+and feathered with the wings of the ortolan.  These purchases being
+completed (together with that of a knapsack, dressing-case, change,
+&c.), our young adventurer asked where was the hostel at which the
+archers were wont to assemble? and being informed that it was
+at the sign of the "Golden Stag," hied him to that house of
+entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer,
+he speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a
+company of his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the
+coffee-room.
+
+After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing
+them, "When go ye forth, gentles?  I am a stranger here, bound as
+you to the archery meeting of Duke Adolf.  An ye will admit a youth
+into your company 'twill gladden me upon my lonely way?"
+
+The archers replied, "You seem so young and jolly, and you spend
+your gold so very like a gentleman, that we'll receive you in our
+band with pleasure.  Be ready, for we start at half-past two!"  At
+that hour accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move,
+and Otto not a little increased his popularity among them by
+stepping out and having a conference with the landlord, which
+caused the latter to come into the room where the archers were
+assembled previous to departure, and to say, "Gentlemen, the bill
+is settled!"--words never ungrateful to an archer yet: no, marry,
+nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of.
+
+They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and
+telling of a thousand feats of love and chase and war.  While thus
+engaged, some one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the
+regular uniform, having no feathers in his hat.
+
+"I dare say I will find a feather," said the lad, smiling.
+
+Then another gibed because his bow was new.
+
+"See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang," said
+the undisturbed youth.  His answers, his bearing, his generosity,
+his beauty, and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends
+with interest and curiosity, and they longed to see whether his
+skill with the bow corresponded with their secret sympathies for
+him.
+
+An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present
+itself soon--as indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as
+young Otto was.  Fate seems to watch over such: events occur to
+them just in the nick of time; they rescue virgins just as ogres
+are on the point of devouring them; they manage to be present at
+court and interesting ceremonies, and to see the most interesting
+people at the most interesting moment; directly an adventure is
+necessary for them, that adventure occurs: and I, for my part, have
+often wondered with delight (and never could penetrate the mystery
+of the subject) at the way in which that humblest of romance
+heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants anything in the Pantomime,
+straightway finds it to his hand.  How is it that,--suppose he
+wishes to dress himself up like a woman for instance, that minute a
+coalheaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a bonnet; at
+the very next instant a butcher's lad passing with a string of
+sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously helps Master Clown
+to a necklace and a tournure, and so on through the whole toilet?
+Depend upon it there is something we do not wot of in that
+mysterious overcoming of circumstances by great individuals: that
+apt and wondrous conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for
+my part, when I heard the above remark of one of the archers, that
+Otto had never a feather in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron
+would spring up in the next sentence to supply him with an
+aigrette.
+
+And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the
+archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling
+his crest, placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes
+against the wind, rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the
+world.
+
+"Shoot, Otto," said one of the archers.  "You would not shoot just
+now at a crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it
+was a noble bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly."
+
+But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the
+third best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it.
+
+"Shoot, Otto," said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the
+young archer: "the bird is getting further and further."
+
+But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just
+cut.  Max, the second best archer, shot and missed.
+
+"Then," said Wolfgang, "I must try myself: a plague on you, young
+springald, you have lost a noble chance!"
+
+Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird.
+"It is out of distance," said he, "and a murrain on the bird!"
+
+Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having
+carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig
+down and said carelessly, "Out of distance!  Pshaw!  We have two
+minutes yet," and fell to asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the
+which none of the archers listened, as they were all engaged, their
+noses in air, watching the retreating bird.
+
+"Where shall I hit him?" said Otto.
+
+"Go to," said Rudolf, "thou canst see no limb of him: he is no
+bigger than a flea."
+
+"Here goes for his right eye!" said Otto; and stepping forward in
+the English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine,
+had taught him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good
+aim, allowing for the wind and calculating the parabola to a
+nicety.  Whiz! his arrow went off.
+
+He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf
+at the other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the
+while.
+
+The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their
+noses in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular
+to the horizontal position, and said, "Pooh, this lad is a humbug!
+The arrow's lost; let's go!"
+
+"HEADS!" cried Otto, laughing.  A speck was seen rapidly descending
+from the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a
+partridge, then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent
+heron to the ground, flooring poor Max in its fall.
+
+"Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang," said Otto, without
+looking at the bird: "wipe it and put it back into my quiver."
+
+The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the
+pupil.
+
+"Are you in league with Der Freischutz?" said Rudolf, quite amazed.
+
+Otto laughingly whistled the "Huntsman's Chorus," and said, "No, my
+friend.  It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot.  I was taught
+shooting, look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the
+archers are archers indeed."
+
+And so he cut off the heron's wing for a plume for his hat; and the
+archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, "What a wonderful
+country that merry England must be!"
+
+Far from feeling any envy at their comrade's success, the jolly
+archers recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and
+Rudolf especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought
+the honor of his friendship.  They continued their walk all day,
+and when night fell made choice of a good hostel you may be sure,
+where over beer, punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to
+the health of the Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other's healths
+all round.  Next day they resumed their march, and continued it
+without interruption, except to take in a supply of victuals here
+and there (and it was found on these occasions that Otto, young as
+he was, could eat four times as much as the oldest archer present,
+and drink to correspond); and these continued refreshments having
+given them more than ordinary strength, they determined on making
+rather a long march of it, and did not halt till after nightfall at
+the gates of the little town of Windeck.
+
+What was to be done? the town-gates were shut.  "Is there no
+hostel, no castle where we can sleep?" asked Otto of the sentinel
+at the gate.  "I am so hungry that in lack of better food I think I
+could eat my grandmamma."
+
+The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and
+said, "You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;"
+adding with a peculiarly knowing look, "Nobody will disturb you
+there."
+
+At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a
+hill hard by a castle indeed--but the skeleton of a castle.  The
+roof was gone, the windows were dismantled, the towers were
+tumbling, and the cold moonlight pierced it through and through.
+One end of the building was, however, still covered in, and stood
+looking still more frowning, vast, and gloomy, even than the other
+part of the edifice.
+
+"There is a lodging, certainly," said Otto to the sentinel, who
+pointed towards the castle with his bartizan; "but tell me, good
+fellow, what are we to do for a supper?"
+
+"Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you," said the man-at-
+arms with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the
+archers, taking counsel among themselves, debated whether or not
+they should take up their quarters in the gloomy and deserted
+edifice.
+
+"We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there," said young
+Otto.  "Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant
+fellows, and I have heard the garrison is not more than three
+hundred."  But the rest of the party thought such a way of getting
+supper was not a very cheap one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred
+rather to sleep ignobly and without victuals, than dare the assault
+with Otto, and die, or conquer something comfortable.
+
+One and all then made their way towards the castle.  They entered
+its vast and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled
+before them with hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and
+passing by a multiplicity of mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and
+rickety corridors, at last came to an apartment which, dismal and
+dismantled as it was, appeared to be in rather better condition
+than the neighboring chambers, and they therefore selected it as
+their place of rest for the night.  They then tossed up which
+should mount guard.  The first two hours of watch fell to Otto, who
+was to be succeeded by his young though humble friend Wolfgang;
+and, accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg, drawing his dirk, began
+to pace upon his weary round; while his comrades, by various
+gradations of snoring, told how profoundly they slept, spite of
+their lack of supper.
+
+'Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as
+he performed his two hours' watch; what gushing memories poured
+into his full soul; what "sweet and bitter" recollections of home
+inspired his throbbing heart; and what manly aspirations after fame
+buoyed him up.  "Youth is ever confident," says the bard.  Happy,
+happy season!  The moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the
+twinkling stars looked friendly down upon him.  Confiding in their
+youthful sentinel, sound slept the valorous toxophilites, as up and
+down, and there and back again, marched on the noble Childe.  At
+length his repeater told him, much to his satisfaction, that it was
+half-past eleven, the hour when his watch was to cease; and so,
+giving a playful kick to the slumbering Wolfgang, that good-humored
+fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing his sword, proceeded
+to relieve Otto.
+
+The latter laid him down for warmth's sake on the very spot which
+his comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep.  Realities
+and visions then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew
+which was which.  He dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start;
+then he went off again; then woke up again.  In one of these half-
+sleeping moments he thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in
+white, gliding into the room, and beckoning Wolfgang from it.  He
+looked again.  Wolfgang was gone.  At that moment twelve o'clock
+clanged from the town, and Otto started up.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+THE LADY OF WINDECK.
+
+
+As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer,
+pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure.  He
+did not know whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to
+him.  Her blue, clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him.  Her form
+was of faultless beauty; her face pale as the marble of the fairy
+statue, ere yet the sculptor's love had given it life.  A smile
+played upon her features, but it was no warmer than the reflection
+of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet it was wondrous beautiful.  A
+fascination stole over the senses of young Wolfgang.  He stared at
+the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and distended jaws.  She
+looked at him with ineffable archness.  She lifted one beautifully
+rounded alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon him towards
+her.  Did Wolfgang--the young and lusty Wolfgang--follow?  Ask the
+iron whether it follows the magnet?--ask the pointer whether it
+pursues the partridge through the stubble?--ask the youth whether
+the lollipop-shop does not attract him?  Wolfgang DID follow.  An
+antique door opened, as if by magic.  There was no light, and yet
+they saw quite plain; they passed through the innumerable ancient
+chambers, and yet they did not wake any of the owls and bats
+roosting there.  We know not through how many apartments the young
+couple passed; but at last they came to one where a feast was
+prepared: and on an antique table, covered with massive silver,
+covers were laid for two.  The lady took her place at one end of
+the table, and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to the other
+seat.  He took it.  The table was small, and their knees met.  He
+felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against an ice-well.
+
+"Gallant archer," said she, "you must be hungry after your day's
+march.  What supper will you have?  Shall it be a delicate lobster-
+salad? or a dish of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar's-
+head and truffles? or a Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a
+beefsteak and shallot? or a couple of rognons a la brochette?
+Speak, brave bowyer: you have but to order."
+
+As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish,
+Wolfgang thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of
+delicacies to him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try
+her with something extremely rare.
+
+"Fair princess," he said, "I should like very much a pork-chop and
+some mashed potatoes."
+
+She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never
+served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at
+least six portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street.
+
+When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the
+cover on the dish again, and watched him eating with interest.  He
+was for some time too much occupied with his own food to remark
+that his companion did not eat a morsel; but big as it was, his
+chop was soon gone; the shining silver of his plate was scraped
+quite clean with his knife, and, heaving a great sigh, he confessed
+a humble desire for something to drink.
+
+"Call for what you like, sweet sir," said the lady, lifting up a
+silver filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with
+gold.
+
+"Then," said Master Wolfgang--for the fellow's tastes were, in
+sooth, very humble--"I call for half-and-half."  According to his
+wish, a pint of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle,
+foaming, into his beaker.
+
+Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his
+conscience it was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young
+man felt his appetite renewed; and it is impossible to say how many
+different dishes he called for.  Only enchantment, he was
+afterwards heard to declare (though none of his friends believed
+him), could have given him the appetite he possessed on that
+extraordinary night.  He called for another pork-chop and potatoes,
+then for pickled salmon; then he thought he would try a devilled
+turkey-wing.  "I adore the devil," said he.
+
+"So do I," said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the
+dish was served straightway.  It was succeeded by black-puddings,
+tripe, toasted cheese, and--what was most remarkable--every one of
+the dishes which he desired came from under the same silver cover:
+which circumstance, when he had partaken of about fourteen
+different articles, he began to find rather mysterious.
+
+"Oh," said the pale lady, with a smile, "the mystery is easily
+accounted for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW."
+But this did not account for the manner in which more half-and-
+half, bitter ale, punch (both gin and rum), and even oil and
+vinegar, which he took with cucumber to his salmon, came out of the
+self-same bottle from which the lady had first poured out his pint
+of half-and-half.
+
+"There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio," said his arch
+entertainer, when he put this question to her, "than are dreamt of
+in your philosophy:" and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time
+in such a state, that he did not find anything wonderful more.
+
+"Are you happy, dear youth?" said the lady, as, after his
+collation, he sank back in his chair.
+
+"Oh, miss, ain't I?" was his interrogative and yet affirmative
+reply.
+
+"Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?" continued
+the pale one.
+
+"Why, no," said he; "no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights
+I should like oysters."
+
+"Dear youth," said she, "be but mine, and you may have them all the
+year round!"  The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything,
+otherwise this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was
+in suspicious company.  A person who can offer oysters all the year
+round can live to no good purpose.
+
+"Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?" said the lady.
+
+"Sweet love!" said he, now much excited, "strike up, and I will
+join the chorus."
+
+She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty.  'Twas a sweet
+and wild one.  It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on
+a peasant page; it told how nought could her love assuage, her
+suitor's wealth and her father's rage: it told how the youth did
+his foes engage; and at length they went off in the Gretna stage,
+the high-born dame and the peasant page.  Wolfgang beat time,
+waggled his head, sung wofully out of tune as the song proceeded;
+and if he had not been too intoxicated with love and other
+excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on the wall, as
+the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod and grin to
+the music.  The song ended.  "I am the lady of high lineage:
+Archer, will you be the peasant page?"
+
+"I'll follow you to the devil!" said Wolfgang.
+
+"Come," replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, "come to the
+chapel; we'll be married this minute!"
+
+She held out her hand--Wolfgang took it.  It was cold, damp,--
+deadly cold; and on they went to the chapel.
+
+As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman
+and lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly
+down to the ground, and making the retreating couple a profound
+curtsy and bow, took the places which they had left at the table.
+
+Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading
+innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent.
+As they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of
+their frames to follow them.  One ancestor, of whom there was only
+a bust, frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his
+pedestal would not move; and several sticking-plaster profiles of
+the former Lords of Windeck looked quite black at being, for
+similar reasons, compelled to keep their places.  However, there
+was a goodly procession formed behind Wolfgang and his bride; and
+by the time they reached the church, they had near a hundred
+followers.
+
+The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old
+knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane.  The organ set up of
+itself to play the "Bridesmaid's Chorus."  The choir-chairs were
+filled with people in black.
+
+"Come, love," said the pale lady.
+
+"I don't see the parson," exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself
+rather alarmed.
+
+"Oh, the parson! that's the easiest thing in the world!  I say,
+bishop!" said the lady, stooping down.
+
+Stooping down--and to what?  Why, upon my word and honor, to a
+great brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and
+on which was engraven the figure of a bishop--and a very ugly
+bishop, too--with crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which
+sparkled the episcopal ring.  "Do, my dear lord, come and marry
+us," said the lady, with a levity which shocked the feelings of her
+bridegroom.
+
+The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping
+under a large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him;
+while a canon of the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt)
+began grinning and making fun at the pair.  The ceremony was begun,
+and . . . .
+
+
+As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the
+absence of his companion Wolfgang.  The idea he had had, that his
+friend disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him
+more and more.  "I will follow them," said he; and, calling to the
+next on the watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his
+sleep), he rushed away by the door through which he had seen
+Wolfgang and his temptress take their way.
+
+That he did not find them was not his fault.  The castle was vast,
+the chamber dark.  There were a thousand doors, and what wonder
+that, after he had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe
+should not be able to follow in their steps?  As might be expected,
+he took the wrong door, and wandered for at least three hours about
+the dark enormous solitary castle, calling out Wolfgang's name to
+the careless and indifferent echoes, knocking his young shins
+against the ruins scattered in the darkness, but still with a
+spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm resolution to aid his absent
+comrade.  Brave Otto! thy exertions were rewarded at last!
+
+For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had
+partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the
+picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady's father and mother,
+were now sitting at the table.
+
+"Well, Bertha has got a husband at last," said the lady.
+
+"After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was
+quite time," said the gentleman.  (He was dressed in powder and a
+pigtail, quite in the old fashion.)
+
+"The husband is no great things," continued the lady, taking snuff.
+"A low fellow, my dear; a butcher's son, I believe.  Did you see
+how the wretch ate at supper?  To think my daughter should have to
+marry an archer!"
+
+"There are archers and archers," said the old man.  "Some archers
+are snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are
+gentlemen by birth, at least, though not by breeding.  Witness
+young Otto, the Landgrave of Godesberg's son, who is listening at
+the door like a lackey, and whom I intend to run through the--"
+
+"Law, Baron!" said the lady.
+
+"I will, though," replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and
+glaring round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and
+that scowl a less valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the
+undaunted Childe advanced at once into the apartment.  He wore
+round his neck a relic of St. Buffo (the tip of the saint's ear,
+which had been cut off at Constantinople).  "Fiends!  I command you
+to retreat!" said he, holding up this sacred charm, which his mamma
+had fastened on him; and at the sight of it, with an unearthly yell
+the ghosts of the Baron and the Baroness sprung back into their
+picture-frames, as clowns go through a clock in a pantomime.
+
+He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had
+passed with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the
+vast gloomy chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of
+the organ in the chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows,
+directed him towards that edifice.  He rushed to the door: 'twas
+barred!  He knocked: the beadles were deaf.  He applied his
+inestimable relic to the lock, and--whiz! crash! clang! bang!
+whang!--the gate flew open! the organ went off in a fugue--the
+lights quivered over the tapers, and then went off towards the
+ceiling--the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry and a
+scream--the bride howled, and vanished--the fat bishop waddled back
+under his brass plate--the dean flounced down into his family
+vault--and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as
+usual, on the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his
+epigram, and to disappear into the void whence he came.
+
+Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless
+down at the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when
+they arrived, found the two youths.  They were resuscitated, as we
+scarce need say; but when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell
+their wondrous tale, some sceptics among the archers said--"Pooh!
+they were intoxicated!" while others, nodding their older heads,
+exclaimed--"THEY HAVE SEEN THE LADY OF WINDECK!" and recalled the
+stories of many other young men, who, inveigled by her devilish
+arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and had disappeared--for
+ever!
+
+This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant
+preserver; and the archers--it being now morning, and the cocks
+crowing lustily round about--pursued their way without further
+delay to the castle of the noble patron of toxophilites, the
+gallant Duke of Cleves.
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN.
+
+
+Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between
+Windeck and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a
+legend and a ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of
+ingenuity, be made to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as
+the journey would be thus almost interminable, let us cut it short
+by saying that the travellers reached Cleves without any further
+accident, and found the place thronged with visitors for the
+meeting next day.
+
+And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived,
+and make display of antiquarian lore.  Now we would represent a
+cavalcade of knights arriving, with their pages carrying their
+shining helms of gold, and the stout esquires, bearers of lance and
+banner.  Anon would arrive a fat abbot on his ambling pad,
+surrounded by the white-robed companions of his convent.  Here
+should come the gleemen and jonglers, the minstrels, the
+mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed, nut-brown
+Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs, and
+leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the
+vine-lands.  Next we would depict the litters blazoned with
+armorial bearings, from between the broidered curtains of which
+peeped out the swan-like necks and the haughty faces of the blond
+ladies of the castles.  But for these descriptions we have not
+space; and the reader is referred to the account of the tournament
+in the ingenious novel of "Ivanhoe," where the above phenomena are
+described at length.  Suffice it to say, that Otto and his
+companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and, hastening to a
+hostel, reposed themselves after the day's march, and prepared them
+for the encounter of the morrow.
+
+That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and
+his comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and
+arrows, you may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as
+were the multitude of other archers assembled.  They were from all
+neighboring countries--crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed
+with Murray's guide-books, troops of chattering Frenchmen,
+Frankfort Jews with roulette-tables, and Tyrolese, with gloves and
+trinkets--all hied towards the field where the butts were set up,
+and the archery practice was to be held.  The Childe and his
+brother archers were, it need not be said, early on the ground.
+
+But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman's emotion
+when, preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and
+other wind instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the
+Princess Helen, his daughter?  And ah! what expressions of my
+humble pen can do justice to the beauty of that young lady?  Fancy
+every charm which decorates the person, every virtue which
+ornaments the mind, every accomplishment which renders charming
+mind and charming person doubly charming, and then you will have
+but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her Highness the
+Princess Helen.  Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know not
+with what justice) Rowland's Kalydor imparts to the users of that
+cosmetic; fancy teeth to which orient pearls are like Wallsend
+coals; eyes, which were so blue, tender, and bright, that while
+they run you through with their lustre, they healed you with their
+kindness; a neck and waist, so ravishingly slender and graceful,
+that the least that is said about them the better; a foot which
+fell upon the flowers no heavier than a dew-drop--and this charming
+person set off by the most elegant toilet that ever milliner
+devised!  The lovely Helen's hair (which was as black as the finest
+varnish for boots) was so long, that it was borne on a cushion
+several yards behind her by the maidens of her train; and a hat,
+set off with moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles, birds-of-paradise,
+gold lace, and pink ribbon, gave her a distingue air, which would
+have set the editor of the Morning Post mad with love.
+
+It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg,
+as leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and
+gazed on her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche.  Their eyes met: it was all
+over with both of them.  A blush came at one and the same minute
+budding to the cheek of either.  A simultaneous throb beat in those
+young hearts!  They loved each other for ever from that instant.
+Otto still stood, cross-legged, enraptured, leaning on his ivory
+bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden for her pocket-handkerchief,
+blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to hide her agitation.
+Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones!  I am old now; but not so old but
+that I kindle at the tale of love.  Theresa MacWhirter too has
+lived and loved.  Heigho!
+
+Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated
+the Princess and the stout old lord, her father?  Who is he whose
+hair is of the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a
+nose, are perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back
+and a hideous mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of
+jutting yellow odious teeth.  Although he wears a sky-blue doublet
+laced with silver, it only serves to render his vulgar punchy
+figure doubly ridiculous; although his nether garment is of salmon-
+colored velvet, it only draws the more attention to his legs, which
+are disgustingly crooked and bandy.  A rose-colored hat, with
+towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks absurd on his bull-head;
+and though it is time of peace, the wretch is armed with a
+multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres, and
+scimitars, which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. 'Tis
+the terrible Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein.
+Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen.  He
+addresses various speeches of gallantry to her, and grins hideously
+as he thrusts his disgusting head over her lily shoulder.  But she
+turns away from him! turns and shudders--ay, as she would at a
+black dose!
+
+Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow.  "What is the
+prize?" asks one archer of another.  There are two prizes--a velvet
+cap, embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of
+massive gold, of enormous value.  Both lie on cushions before her.
+
+"I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize," says a
+swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules
+on a black shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz.
+
+"Which, fellow?" says Otto, turning fiercely upon him.
+
+"The chain, to be sure!" says the leering archer.  "You do not
+suppose I am such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?"
+Otto laughed in scorn, and began to prepare his bow.  The trumpets
+sounding proclaimed that the sports were about to commence.
+
+Is it necessary to describe them?  No: that has already been done
+in the novel of "Ivanhoe" before mentioned.  Fancy the archers clad
+in Lincoln green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the
+targets.  Some hit, some missed; those that missed were fain to
+retire amidst the jeers of the multitudinous spectators.  Those
+that hit began new trials of skill; but it was easy to see, from
+the first, that the battle lay between Squintoff (the Rowski
+archer) and the young hero with the golden hair and the ivory bow.
+Squintoff's fame as a marksman was known throughout Europe; but who
+was his young competitor?  Ah? there was ONE heart in the assembly
+that beat most anxiously to know.  'Twas Helen's.
+
+The crowning trial arrived.  The bull's eye of the target, set up
+at three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so
+small, that it required a very clever man indeed to see, much more
+to hit it; and as Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final
+trial, the Rowski flung a purse of gold towards his archer, saying--
+"Squintoff, an ye win the prize, the purse is thine."  "I may as
+well pocket it at once, your honor," said the bowman with a sneer
+at Otto.  "This young chick, who has been lucky as yet, will hardly
+hit such a mark as that."  And, taking his aim, Squintoff
+discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the bull's-eye.
+
+"Can you mend that, young springald?" said he, as a shout rent the
+air at his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion
+of her secret heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff,
+pocketing the Rowski's money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg.
+
+"Has anybody got a pea?" asked the lad.  Everybody laughed at his
+droll request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the
+crowd, handed him the vegetable which he demanded.  It was a dry
+and yellow pea.  Otto, stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff
+to extract his arrow from the bull's-eye, and placed in the orifice
+made by the steel point of the shaft, the pea which he had received
+from the old woman.  He then came back to his place.  As he
+prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by emotion, that 'twas
+thought she would have fainted.  Never, never had she seen a being
+so beautiful as the young hero now before her.
+
+He looked almost divine.  He flung back his long clusters of hair
+from his bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled
+on his cheek, from which the barber's weapon had never shorn the
+down.  He took his bow, and one of his most elegant arrows, and
+poising himself lightly on his right leg, he flung himself forward,
+raising his left leg on a level with his ear.  He looked like
+Apollo, as he stood balancing himself there.  He discharged his
+dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the blue air--whiz!
+
+"HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!" said the Princess, and fainted.  The
+Rowski, with one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while
+with the other he levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to
+level anything) a furious glance at his archer.
+
+The archer swore a sulky oath.  "He is the better man!" said he.
+"I suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?"
+
+"The gold chain?" said Otto.  "Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked
+by that august hand?  Never!"  And advancing to the balcony where
+the Princess, who now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down
+before her, and received the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet
+as the cap itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden
+ringlets.  Once more their eyes met--their hearts thrilled.  They
+had never spoken, but they knew they loved each other for ever.
+
+"Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?" said that
+individual to the youth.  "Thou shalt be captain of my archers in
+place of yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome."
+
+"Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer,"
+replied Otto, haughtily; "and I will NOT take service with the
+Rowski of Donnerblitz."
+
+"Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?" said the
+father of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the
+haughtiness of the humble archer.
+
+"I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY," said Otto,
+bowing low.  He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word
+family.  Helen knew what he meant.  SHE was the family.  In fact
+her mother was no more, and her papa had no other offspring.
+
+"What is thy name, good fellow," said the Prince, "that my steward
+may enroll thee?"
+
+"Sir," said Otto, again blushing, "I am OTTO THE ARCHER."
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+THE MARTYR OF LOVE.
+
+
+The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a
+handsome dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which
+his friend distinguished himself as usual in the eating and
+drinking department.  Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to
+attend; so great was the envy of the brute at the youthful hero's
+superiority.  As for Otto himself, he sat on the right hand of the
+chairman; but it was remarked that he could not eat.  Gentle reader
+of my page! thou knowest why full well.  He was too much in love to
+have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring under that
+passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet
+remember our Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry
+when they're in love.
+
+The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in
+the corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his
+attached squire, who vowed he never would leave him.  As Otto threw
+aside his own elegant dress, and donned the livery of the House of
+Cleves, the noble Childe sighed not a little.  'Twas a splendid
+uniform 'tis true, but still it WAS a livery, and one of his proud
+spirit ill bears another's cognizances.  "They are the colors of
+the Princess, however," said he, consoling himself; "and what
+suffering would I not undergo for HER?"  As for Wolfgang, the
+squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured, low-born
+fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to exchange for
+the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and orange-
+tawny hat, with which the Duke's steward supplied him, the homely
+patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past.
+
+"Look at you two archers," said the Prince of Cleves to his guest,
+the Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the
+battlements after dinner, smoking their cigars as usual.  His
+Highness pointed to our two young friends, who were mounting guard
+for the first time.  "See yon two bowmen--mark their bearing!  One
+is the youth who beat thy Squintoff, and t'other, an I mistake not,
+won the third prize at the butts.  Both wear the same uniform--the
+colors of my house--yet wouldst not swear that the one was but a
+churl, and the other a noble gentleman?"
+
+"Which looks like the nobleman?" said the Rowski, as black as
+thunder.
+
+"WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure," said the Princess Helen,
+eagerly.  The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence
+of disliking the odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski's
+proffered arm, and was loitering behind with her parasol.
+
+Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black
+and jealous Rowski more ill-humored.  "How long is it, Sir Prince
+of Cleves," said he, "that the churls who wear your livery permit
+themselves to wear the ornaments of noble knights?  Who but a noble
+dare wear ringlets such as yon springald's?  Ho, archer!" roared
+he, "come, hither, fellow."  And Otto stood before him.  As he
+came, and presenting arms stood respectfully before the Prince and
+his savage guest, he looked for one moment at the lovely Helen--
+their eyes met, their hearts beat simultaneously: and, quick, two
+little blushes appeared in the cheek of either.  I have seen one
+ship at sea answering another's signal so.
+
+While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our
+readers of the great estimation in which the hair was held in the
+North.  Only nobles were permitted to wear it long.  When a man
+disgraced himself, a shaving was sure to follow.  Penalties were
+inflicted upon villains or vassals who sported ringlets.  See the
+works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus de Nobilitate Capillari;
+Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart; Fresirische Alterthumskunde,
+&c.
+
+"We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow," said the
+Duke of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of
+his gallant recruit.  "'Tis against the regulation cut of my archer
+guard."
+
+"Cut off my hair!" cried Otto, agonized.
+
+"Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel," roared Donnerblitz.
+
+"Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein," said the Duke with dignity:
+"let the Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms.
+And you, young sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger."
+
+Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent
+to plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings
+overcame him.  "The count need not fear, my lord," said he: "a lady
+is present."  And he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low.
+Ah! what a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought
+that those lovely ringlets must be shorn from that beautiful head!
+
+Otto's mind was, too, in commotion.  His feelings as a gentleman--
+let us add, his pride as a man--for who is not, let us ask, proud
+of a good head of hair?--waged war within his soul.  He
+expostulated with the Prince.  "It was never in my contemplation,"
+he said, "on taking service, to undergo the operation of hair-
+cutting."
+
+"Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer," said the Prince
+pettishly.  "I will have no churls imitating noblemen in my
+service: I will bandy no conditions with archers of my guard."
+
+"My resolve is taken," said Otto, irritated too in his turn.  "I
+will . . . . "
+
+"What?" cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation.
+
+"I will STAY," answered Otto.  The poor girl almost fainted with
+joy.  The Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth
+and cursing in the horrible German jargon, stalked away.  "So be
+it," said the Prince of Cleves, taking his daughter's arm--"and
+here comes Snipwitz, my barber, who shall do the business for you."
+With this the Prince too moved on, feeling in his heart not a
+little compassion for the lad; for Adolf of Cleves had been
+handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the ornament of which
+he was now depriving his archer.
+
+Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there--in a word--
+operated upon him.  The golden curls--fair curls that his mother
+had so often played with!--fell under the shears and round the
+lad's knees, until he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of
+sunbeams.
+
+When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the
+little chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it
+as cropped as a charity-boy.
+
+See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!--And
+no wonder.  He was thinking what would be Helen's opinion of him,
+now that one of his chief personal ornaments was gone.  "Will she
+know me?" thought he; "will she love me after this hideous
+mutilation?"
+
+Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to
+be seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young
+gentleman had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the
+wall, a prey to natural despondency; when he saw something which
+instantly restored him to good spirits.  He saw the lovely Helen
+coming towards the chamber where the odious barber had performed
+upon him,--coming forward timidly, looking round her anxiously,
+blushing with delightful agitation,--and presently seeing, as she
+thought, the coast clear, she entered the apartment.  She stooped
+down, and ah! what was Otto's joy when he saw her pick up a
+beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and then
+hide it in her bosom!  No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen
+did when she came out after performing this feat.  Then she hurried
+straightway to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose
+first impulse was to come out from his hiding-place, and, falling
+at her feet, call heaven and earth to witness to his passion, with
+difficulty restrained his feelings and let her pass: but the love-
+stricken young hero was so delighted with this evident proof of
+reciprocated attachment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at
+once left him, and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair,
+but his head, if need were, to do her service.
+
+That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in
+the castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of
+Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage.  He went away
+in the greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud
+conversation with the Prince.  As that potentate conducted his
+guest to the gate, walking rather demurely and shamefacedly by his
+side, as he gathered his attendants in the court, and there mounted
+his charger, the Rowski ordered his trumpets to sound, and
+scornfully flung a largesse of gold among the servitors and men-at-
+arms of the House of Cleves, who were marshalled in the court.
+"Farewell, Sir Prince," said he to his host: "I quit you now
+suddenly; but remember, it is not my last visit to the Castle of
+Cleves."  And ordering his band to play "See the Conquering Hero
+comes," he clattered away through the drawbridge.  The Princess
+Helen was not present at his departure; and the venerable Prince of
+Cleves looked rather moody and chap-fallen when his guest left him.
+He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately that night,
+and inquired of his officers the state of the ammunition,
+provisions, &c.  He said nothing; but the Princess Helen's maid
+did: and everybody knew that the Rowski had made his proposals, had
+been rejected, and, getting up in a violent fury, had called for
+his people, and sworn by his great gods that he would not enter the
+castle again until he rode over the breach, lance in hand, the
+conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it.
+
+No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the
+news: for everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid
+and powerful soldiers in all Germany,--one of the most skilful
+generals.  Generous to extravagance to his own followers, he was
+ruthless to the enemy: a hundred stories were told of the dreadful
+barbarities exercised by him in several towns and castles which he
+had captured and sacked.  And poor Helen had the pain of thinking,
+that in consequence of her refusal she was dooming all the men,
+women, and children of the principality to indiscriminate and
+horrible slaughter.
+
+The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days
+dreadful confirmation.  It was noon, and the worthy Prince of
+Cleves was taking his dinner (though the honest warrior had had
+little appetite for that meal for some time past), when trumpets
+were heard at the gate; and presently the herald of the Rowski of
+Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on which the arms of the Count were
+blazoned, entered the dining-hall.  A page bore a steel gauntlet on
+a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on his head.  The Prince of
+Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to the chair of state
+where the sovereign sat.
+
+"Silence for Bleu Sanglier," cried the Prince, gravely.  "Say your
+say, Sir Herald."
+
+"In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz,
+Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt,
+and Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman
+Empire--to you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu
+Sanglier, bring war and defiance.  Alone, and lance to lance, or
+twenty to twenty in field or in fort, on plain or on mountain, the
+noble Rowski defies you.  Here, or wherever he shall meet you, he
+proclaims war to the death between you and him.  In token whereof,
+here is his glove."  And taking the steel glove from the page, Bleu
+Boar flung it clanging on the marble floor.
+
+The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good
+assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise
+the Rowski's; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him,
+on his knee.
+
+"Boteler, fill my goblet," said the Prince to that functionary,
+who, clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a
+napkin on his dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master's chair.
+The goblet was filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a
+precious golden hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto
+the Florentine.
+
+"Drink, Bleu Sanglier," said the Prince, "and put the goblet in thy
+bosom.  Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake."  And so saying,
+Prince Adolf flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald's
+neck.  "An invitation to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of
+Cleves."  So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu
+Sanglier's retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daughter.
+All were marvelling at his dignity, courage, and generosity.
+
+But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far
+from tranquil.  He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the
+reign of Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a
+lion to death in three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of
+Peterwaradin for two hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries,
+who were assailing it.  Those deeds which had made the heir of
+Cleves famous were done thirty years syne.  A free liver since he
+had come into his principality, and of a lazy turn, he had neglected
+the athletic exercises which had made him in youth so famous a
+champion, and indolence had borne its usual fruits.  He tried his
+old battle-sword--that famous blade with which, in Palestine, he had
+cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split asunder the skull of
+the elephant which he rode.  Adolf of Cleves could scarcely now lift
+the weapon over his head.  He tried his armor.  It was too tight for
+him.  And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found he could
+not buckle it.  Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible
+Rowski in single combat.
+
+Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the
+field.  The Prince's territories were small; his vassals
+proverbially lazy and peaceable; his treasury empty.  The
+dismallest prospects were before him: and he passed a sleepless
+night writing to his friends for succor, and calculating with his
+secretary the small amount of the resources which he could bring to
+aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy.
+
+Helen's pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber.  She lay
+awake thinking of Otto,--thinking of the danger and the ruin her
+refusal to marry had brought upon her dear papa.  Otto, too, slept
+not: but HIS waking thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble
+Childe thought how he should defend the Princess, and win LOS and
+honor in the ensuing combat.
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+THE CHAMPION.
+
+
+And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his
+castle for the threatened siege.  He gathered in all the available
+cattle round the property, and the pigs round many miles; and a
+dreadful slaughter of horned and snouted animals took place,--the
+whole castle resounding with the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks
+of the gruntlings, destined to provide food for the garrison.
+These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of course, would not allow
+of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,) the lovely Helen,
+with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted and pickled.
+Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying for the
+same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit, or
+occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage,
+who brought in wheat without money or credit either.  The charming
+Princess, amidst the intervals of her labors, went about
+encouraging the garrison, who vowed to a man they would die for a
+single sweet smile of hers; and in order to make their inevitable
+sufferings as easy as possible to the gallant fellows, she and the
+apothecaries got ready a plenty of efficacious simples, and scraped
+a vast quantity of lint to bind their warriors' wounds withal.  All
+the fortifications were strengthened; the fosses carefully filled
+with spikes and water; large stones placed over the gates,
+convenient to tumble on the heads of the assaulting parties; and
+caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up pitch, brimstone,
+boiling oil, &c., wherewith hospitably to receive them.  Having the
+keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto was placed on the
+topmost tower, to watch for the expected coming of the beleaguering
+host.
+
+They were seen only too soon.  Long ranks of shining spears were
+seen glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon
+made its appearance in battle's magnificently stern array.  The
+tents of the renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched
+out of arrow-shot of the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when
+his army had taken up its position, an officer with a flag of truce
+and a trumpet was seen advancing to the castle gate.  It was the
+same herald who had previously borne his master's defiance to the
+Prince of Cleves.  He came once more to the castle gate, and there
+proclaimed that the noble Count of Eulenschreckenstein was in arms
+without, ready to do battle with the Prince of Cleves, or his
+champion; that he would remain in arms for three days, ready for
+combat.  If no man met him at the end of that period, he would
+deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single soul in the
+garrison.  So saying, the herald nailed his lord's gauntlet on the
+castle gate.  As before, the Prince flung him over another glove
+from the wall; though how he was to defend himself from such a
+warrior, or get a champion, or resist the pitiless assault that
+must follow, the troubled old nobleman knew not in the least.
+
+The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of
+wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if
+they would raise her up a defender.
+
+But how did the noble girl's heart sink--how were her notions of
+the purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread
+intelligence which reached her the next morning, after the defiance
+of the Rowski!  At roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she
+principally relied--he whom her fond heart had singled out as her
+champion, had proved faithless!  Otto, the degenerate Otto, had
+fled!  His comrade, Wolfgang, had gone with him.  A rope was found
+dangling from the casement of their chamber, and they must have
+swum the moat and passed over to the enemy in the darkness of the
+previous night.  "A pretty lad was this fair-spoken archer of
+thine!" said the Prince her father to her; "and a pretty kettle of
+fish hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers."  She retired
+weeping to her apartment.  Never before had that young heart felt
+so wretched.
+
+That morning, at nine o'clock, as they were going to breakfast, the
+Rowski's trumpets sounded.  Clad in complete armor, and mounted on
+his enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode
+slowly up and down in front of the castle.  He was ready there to
+meet a champion.
+
+Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of
+defiance.  Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth
+challenging the combat.  The first day passed, and there was no
+answer to his summons.  The second day came and went, but no
+champion had risen to defend.  The taunt of his shrill clarion
+remained without answer; and the sun went down upon the wretchedest
+father and daughter in all the land of Christendom.
+
+The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and
+an hour before sunset.  The third day came, but with it brought no
+hope.  The first and second summons met no response.  At five
+o'clock the old Prince called his daughter and blessed her.  "I go
+to meet this Rowski," said he.  "It may be we shall meet no more,
+my Helen--my child--the innocent cause of all this grief.  If I
+shall fall to-night the Rowski's victim, 'twill be that life is
+nothing without honor."  And so saying, he put into her hands a
+dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so soon as the
+terrible champion had carried the castle by storm.
+
+This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father
+retired to his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet.
+It had borne the shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was
+now so tight as almost to choke the knightly wearer.
+
+The last trumpet sounded--tantara! tantara!--its shrill call rang
+over the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer.
+Again!--but when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an
+awful silence.  "Farewell, my child," said the Prince, bulkily
+lifting himself into his battle-saddle.  "Remember the dagger.
+Hark! the trumpet sounds for the third time.  Open, warders!
+Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard the right."
+
+But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet
+to his lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of
+another clarion!--a distant note at first, then swelling fuller.
+Presently, in brilliant variations, the full rich notes of the
+"Huntsman's Chorus" came clearly over the breeze; and a thousand
+voices of the crowd gazing over the gate exclaimed, "A champion! a
+champion!"
+
+And, indeed, a champion HAD come.  Issuing from the forest came a
+knight and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant
+cream-colored Arabian of prodigious power--the squire mounted on an
+unpretending gray cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of
+considerable strength and sinew.  It was the squire who blew the
+trumpet, through the bars of his helmet; the knight's visor was
+completely down.  A small prince's coronet of gold, from which rose
+three pink ostrich-feathers, marked the warrior's rank: his blank
+shield bore no cognizance.  As gracefully poising his lance he rode
+into the green space where the Rowski's tents were pitched, the
+hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor Prince of
+Cleves, especially, had considerable doubts about his new champion.
+"So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz," said
+he, moodily, to his daughter; "but whoever he be, the fellow puts a
+good face on it, and rides like a man.  See, he has touched the
+Rowski's shield with the point of his lance!  By St. Bendigo, a
+perilous venture!"
+
+The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as
+the Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his
+daughter stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his
+enemy, the Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing
+elegantly to the lovely Princess there, and then took his ground
+and waited for the foe.  His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat
+there, motionless, on his cream-colored steed.  He looked like one
+of those fairy knights one has read of--one of those celestial
+champions who decided so many victories before the invention of gun
+powder.
+
+The Rowski's horse was speedily brought to the door of his
+pavilion; and that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of
+magnificent brass armor, clattered into his saddle.  Long waves of
+blood-red feathers bristled over his helmet, which was farther
+ornamented by two huge horns of the aurochs.  His lance was painted
+white and red, and he whirled the prodigious beam in the air and
+caught it with savage glee.  He laughed when he saw the slim form
+of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to meet the coming battle.
+He dug his spurs into the enormous horse he rode: the enormous
+horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce pleasure.  He jerked
+and curveted him with a brutal playfulness, and after a few
+minutes' turning and wheeling, during which everybody had leisure
+to admire the perfection of his equitation, he cantered round to a
+point exactly opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient
+charger.
+
+The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that
+he seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should
+his slim champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of
+Donnerblitz.  "Go it!" said he, flinging his truncheon into the
+ditch; and at the word, the two warriors rushed with whirling
+rapidity at each other.
+
+And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like
+that of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do
+justice to the terrific theme.  You have seen two engines on the
+Great Western line rush past each other with a pealing scream?  So
+rapidly did the two warriors gallop towards one another; the
+feathers of either streamed yards behind their backs as they
+converged.  Their shock as they met was as that of two cannon-
+balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with the concussion;
+the lance aimed at the Rowski's helmet bore off the coronet, the
+horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible
+distance: a piece of the Rowski's left ear was carried off on the
+point of the nameless warrior's weapon.  How had he fared?  His
+adversary's weapon had glanced harmless along the blank surface of
+his polished buckler; and the victory so far was with him.
+
+The expression of the Rowski's face, as, bareheaded, he glared on
+his enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a
+demon.  The imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never
+be copied by a feminine pen.
+
+His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the
+opportunity thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting
+his opponent's skull with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his
+starting-place, bent his lance's point to the ground, in token that
+he would wait until the Count of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted
+afresh.
+
+"Blessed Bendigo!" cried the Prince, "thou art a gallant lance: but
+why didst not rap the Schelm's brain out?"
+
+"Bring me a fresh helmet!" yelled the Rowski.  Another casque was
+brought to him by his trembling squire.
+
+As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from
+his side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of
+battle.  The unknown knight's sword was unsheathed in a moment, and
+at the next the two blades were clanking together the dreadful
+music of the combat!
+
+The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity.
+It whirled round his adversary's head with frightful rapidity.  Now
+it carried away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of
+his coronet.  The flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly
+upon the corn.  For many minutes it was the Unknown's only task to
+defend himself from the tremendous activity of the enemy.
+
+But even the Rowski's strength would slacken after exertion.  The
+blows began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown
+knight began to make dreadful play.  It found and penetrated every
+joint of the Donnerblitz's armor.  Now it nicked him in the
+shoulder where the vambrace was buckled to the corselet; now it
+bored a shrewd hole under the light brissart, and blood followed;
+now, with fatal dexterity, it darted through the visor, and came
+back to the recover deeply tinged with blood.  A scream of rage
+followed the last thrust; and no wonder:--it had penetrated the
+Rowski's left eye.
+
+His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost
+choking in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and
+rage.  Gasping with fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great
+sword at his opponent's head, and once more plunged at him,
+wielding his curtal-axe.
+
+Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same
+dreadful weapon!  Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began
+the attack; and the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed,
+but descended like a thunderbolt!  "Yield! yield! Sir Rowski,"
+shouted he, in a calm, clear voice.
+
+A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply.  'Twas the last blow
+that the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle!  The
+curse was on his lips as the crushing steel descended into his
+brain, and split it in two.  He rolled like a log from his horse:
+his enemy's knee was in a moment on his chest, and the dagger of
+mercy at his throat, as the knight once more called upon him to
+yield.
+
+But there was no answer from within the helmet.  When it was
+withdrawn, the teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should
+have spoken, grinned a ghastly silence: one eye still glared with
+hate and fury, but it was glazed with the film of death!
+
+The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine.  The
+unknown knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful
+obeisance to the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word,
+and galloped back into the forest, whence he had issued an hour
+before sunset.
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+THE MARRIAGE.
+
+
+The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily
+sent all his camp-followers, army, &c. to the right-about.  They
+struck their tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each
+man laying hold of what he could, the whole of the gallant force
+which had marched under his banner in the morning had disappeared
+ere the sun rose.
+
+On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of
+Cleves were not shut.  Everybody was free to come in.  Wine-butts
+were broached in all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such
+lots for the siege was distributed among the people, who crowded to
+congratulate their beloved sovereign on his victory; and the
+Prince, as was customary with that good man, who never lost an
+opportunity of giving a dinner-party, had a splendid entertainment
+made ready for the upper classes, the whole concluding with a
+tasteful display of fireworks.
+
+In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of
+Hombourg arrived at the castle.  The stalwart old warrior swore by
+Saint Bugo that he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been
+taken out of his hand.  The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo,
+Hombourg could never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily
+as the unknown knight had just done.
+
+But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of
+these two old nobles.  How to find him--how to reward the champion
+and restorer of the honor and happiness of Cleves?  They agreed
+over supper that he should be sought for everywhere.  Beadles were
+sent round the principal cities within fifty miles, and the
+description of the knight advertised, in the Journal de Francfort
+and the Allgemeine Zeitung.  The hand of the Princess Helen was
+solemnly offered to him in these advertisements, with the reversion
+of the Prince of Cleves's splendid though somewhat dilapidated
+property.
+
+"But we don't know him, my dear papa," faintly ejaculated that
+young lady.  "Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and
+pretend that he was the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince
+who had his faults certainly, but whose attachment for me I can
+never forget); and how are you to say whether he is the real knight
+or not?  There are so many deceivers in this world," added the
+Princess, in tears, "that one can't be too cautious now."  The fact
+is, that she was thinking of the desertion of Otto in the morning;
+by which instance of faithlessness her heart was wellnigh broken.
+
+As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of
+everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers' mess that
+night, as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both
+of meat and drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades
+began to describe the events of the day, and the admirable
+achievements of the unknown warrior; and turning into their
+hammocks, did not appear on parade in the morning until twenty
+minutes after the names were called.
+
+When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he
+was in a towering passion.  "Where were you, fellows," shouted he,
+"during the time my castle was at its utmost need?"
+
+Otto replied, "We were out on particular business."
+
+"Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?"
+exclaimed the Prince.  "You know the reward of such--Death! and
+death you merit.  But you are a soldier only of yesterday, and
+yesterday's victory has made me merciful.  Hanged you shall not be,
+as you merit--only flogged, both of you.  Parade the men, Colonel
+Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give these scoundrels five
+hundred apiece."
+
+You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information
+was thus abruptly conveyed to him.  "Flog ME!" cried he.  "Flog
+Otto of--"
+
+"Not so, my father," said the Princess Helen, who had been standing
+by during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the
+while with the most ineffable scorn.  "Not so: although these
+PERSONS have forgotten their duty" (she laid a particularly
+sarcastic emphasis on the word persons), "we have had no need of
+their services, and have luckily found OTHERS more faithful.  You
+promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the pardon of these two
+PERSONS.  Let them go, and quit a service they have disgraced; a
+mistress--that is, a master--they have deceived."
+
+"Drum 'em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from
+their backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again."  So
+saying, the old Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast,
+leaving the two young men to the fun and derision of their
+surrounding comrades.
+
+The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the
+ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what
+was the row?  Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly;
+but the Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred
+exclamations of joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to
+his manly breast, kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst
+into tears as he embraced him.  For, in sooth, the good Count had
+thought his godson long ere this at the bottom of the silver Rhine.
+
+The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window,
+(to invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this
+strange scene from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker
+likewise, with breathless and beautiful agitation.  The old Count
+and the archer strolled up and down the battlements in deep
+conversation.  By the gestures of surprise and delight exhibited by
+the former, 'twas easy to see the young archer was conveying some
+very strange and pleasing news to him; though the nature of the
+conversation was not allowed to transpire.
+
+"A godson of mine," said the noble Count, when interrogated over
+his muffins.  "I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace;
+ran away; parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil
+to pay," and so forth.  The Count was a man of few words, and told
+his tale in this brief, artless manner.  But why, at its
+conclusion, did the gentle Helen leave the room, her eyes filled
+with tears?  She left the room once more to kiss a certain lock of
+yellow hair she had pilfered.  A dazzling, delicious thought, a
+strange wild hope, arose in her soul!
+
+When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries
+regarding Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women);
+but he was gone.  He and his companion were gone.  The Count of
+Hombourg had likewise taken his departure, under pretext of
+particular business.  How lonely the vast castle seemed to Helen,
+now that HE was no longer there.  The transactions of the last few
+days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer from the Rowski (always
+an event in a young lady's life); the siege of the castle; the
+death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a fevered dream to
+her: all was passed away, and had left no trace behind.  No trace?--
+yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over which
+the young creature wept so much that she put it out of curl;
+passing hours and hours in the summer-house, where the operation
+had been performed.
+
+On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a
+consumption and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a
+day longer,) a messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste
+to the Prince of Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment.
+"To the High and Mighty Prince," &c. the letter ran.  "The Champion
+who had the honor of engaging on Wednesday last with his late
+Excellency the Rowski of Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to
+H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves.  Through the medium of the public
+prints the C. has been made acquainted with the flattering proposal
+of His Serene Highness relative to a union between himself (the
+Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess Helen of Cleves.
+The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite invitation, and will
+have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and Princess of Cleves
+about half an hour after the receipt of this letter."
+
+"Tol lol de rol, girl," shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy.
+(Have you not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and
+on the stage, joy is announced by the above burst of insensate
+monosyllables?)  "Tol lol de rol.  Don thy best kirtle, child; thy
+husband will be here anon."  And Helen retired to arrange her
+toilet for this awful event in the life of a young woman.  When she
+returned, attired to welcome her defender, her young cheek was as
+pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs she wore.
+
+She was scarce seated on the dais by her father's side, when a huge
+flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE
+CHAMPION.  Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary
+to restore her tranquillity.
+
+The great door was flung open.  He entered,--the same tall warrior,
+slim, and beautiful, blazing in shining steel.  He approached the
+Prince's throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in
+armor.  He knelt gracefully on one knee.
+
+"I come," said he in a voice trembling with emotion, "to claim, as
+per advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen."  And he held
+out a copy of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke.
+
+"Art thou noble, Sir Knight?" asked the Prince of Cleves.
+
+"As noble as yourself," answered the kneeling steel.
+
+"Who answers for thee?"
+
+"I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!" said the knight on
+the right hand, lifting up his visor.
+
+"And I--Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!" said the knight
+on the left, doing likewise.
+
+The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen.
+
+"I KNEW IT WAS," said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer.
+
+But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell
+ye.  In a very few days after, a great marriage took place at
+Cleves under the patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint
+Bendigo.  After the marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest
+pair in the world drove off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the
+honeymoon at Kissingen.  The Lady Theodora, whom we left locked up
+in her convent a long while since, was prevailed upon to come back
+to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to her husband.  Jealous of
+her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son, and spoiled all her
+little grandchildren.  And so all are happy, and my simple tale is
+done.
+
+I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library.
+'Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas;
+but 'tis probable that he stole it from some other, and that the
+other had filched it from a former tale-teller.  For nothing is new
+under the sun.  Things die and are reproduced only.  And so it is
+that the forgotten tale of the great Dumas reappears under the
+signature of
+
+THERESA MACWHIRTER.
+
+WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1.
+
+
+
+
+REBECCA AND ROWENA.
+
+A ROMANCE UPON ROMANCE.
+
+BY MR. MICHAEL ANGELO TITMARSH.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+THE OVERTURE.--COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUSINESS.
+
+
+Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance,
+assuredly it has often occurred to every one of you, that the books
+we delight in have very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite
+prematurely with page 320 of the third volume.  At that epoch of
+the history it is well known that the hero is seldom more than
+thirty years old, and the heroine by consequence some seven or
+eight years younger; and I would ask any of you whether it is fair
+to suppose that people after the above age have nothing worthy of
+note in their lives, and cease to exist as they drive away from
+Saint George's, Hanover Square?  You, dear young ladies, who get
+your knowledge of life from the circulating library, may be led to
+imagine that when the marriage business is done, and Emilia is
+whisked off in the new travelling-carriage, by the side of the
+enraptured Earl; or Belinda, breaking away from the tearful
+embraces of her excellent mother, dries her own lovely eyes upon
+the throbbing waistcoat of her bridegroom--you may be apt, I say,
+to suppose that all is over then; that Emilia and the Earl are
+going to be happy for the rest of their lives in his lordship's
+romantic castle in the North, and Belinda and her young clergyman
+to enjoy uninterrupted bliss in their rose-trellised parsonage in
+the West of England: but some there be among the novel-reading
+classes--old experienced folks--who know better than this.  Some
+there be who have been married, and found that they have still
+something to see and to do, and to suffer mayhap; and that
+adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and taxes, and sunrises and
+settings, and the business and joys and griefs of life go on after,
+as before the nuptial ceremony.
+
+Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes
+of hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by
+to the two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife;
+and I have often wished that additions should be made to all works
+of fiction which have been brought to abrupt terminations in the
+manner described; and that we should hear what occurs to the sober
+married man, as well as to the ardent bachelor; to the matron, as
+well as to the blushing spinster.  And in this respect I admire
+(and would desire to imitate,) the noble and prolific French
+author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from early youth
+down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them rest
+until they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should
+get a little peace and quiet.  A hero is much too valuable a
+gentleman to be put upon the retired list, in the prime and vigor
+of his youth; and I wish to know what lady among us would like to
+be put on the shelf, and thought no longer interesting, because she
+has a family growing up, and is four or five and thirty years of
+age?  I have known ladies at sixty, with hearts as tender and ideas
+as romantic as any young misses of sixteen.  Let us have middle-
+aged novels then, as well as your extremely juvenile legends: let
+the young ones be warned that the old folks have a right to be
+interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart, although
+she is somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a man
+his feelings, although he gets his hair from Truefitt's.
+
+Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most
+illustrious personages of romance should be continued by fitting
+hands, and that they should be heard of, until at least a decent
+age.--Look at Mr. James's heroes: they invariably marry young.
+Look at Mr. Dickens's: they disappear from the scene when they are
+mere chits.  I trust these authors, who are still alive, will see
+the propriety of telling us something more about people in whom we
+took a considerable interest, and who must be at present strong and
+hearty, and in the full vigor of health and intellect.  And in the
+tales of the great Sir Walter (may honor be to his name), I am sure
+there are a number of people who are untimely carried away from us,
+and of whom we ought to hear more.
+
+My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind,
+been one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so
+admirable, so tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear
+altogether before such another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen-
+headed creature, who is, in my humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe,
+and unworthy of her place as heroine.  Had both of them got their
+rights, it ever seemed to me that Rebecca would have had the
+husband, and Rowena would have gone off to a convent and shut
+herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken the trouble
+of inquiring for her.
+
+But after all she married Ivanhoe.  What is to be done?  There is
+no help for it.  There it is in black and white at the end of the
+third volume of Sir Walter Scott's chronicle, that the couple were
+joined together in matrimony.  And must the Disinherited Knight,
+whose blood has been fired by the suns of Palestine, and whose
+heart has been warmed in the company of the tender and beautiful
+Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the side of such a frigid
+piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim, niminy-piminy
+Rowena?  Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice!  There is a
+simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their
+due, which is here submitted to the novel-reader.  Ivanhoe's
+history MUST have had a continuation; and it is this which ensues.
+I may be wrong in some particulars of the narrative,--as what
+writer will not be?--but of the main incidents of the history, I
+have in my own mind no sort of doubt, and confidently submit them
+to that generous public which likes to see virtue righted, true
+love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy descend out of the blazing
+chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make Harlequin and
+Columbine happy.  What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and ladies;
+and if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping in
+and out of endless trap-doors and windows, through life's shifting
+scenes, no fairy comes down to make US comfortable at the close of
+the performance?  Ah! let us give our honest novel-folks the
+benefit of their position, and not be envious of their good luck.
+
+No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as
+the famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt
+for a moment what was the result of the marriage between Sir
+Wilfrid of Ivanhoe and Lady Rowena.  Those who have marked her
+conduct during her maidenhood, her distinguished politeness, her
+spotless modesty of demeanor, her unalterable coolness under all
+circumstances, and her lofty and gentlewomanlike bearing, must be
+sure that her married conduct would equal her spinster behavior,
+and that Rowena the wife would be a pattern of correctness for all
+the matrons of England.
+
+Such was the fact.  For miles around Rotherwood her character for
+piety was known.  Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy
+and monks of the district, whom she fed with the richest viands,
+while she pinched herself upon pulse and water.  There was not an
+invalid in the three Ridings, Saxon or Norman, but the palfrey of
+the Lady Rowena might be seen journeying to his door, in company
+with Father Glauber, her almoner, and Brother Thomas of Epsom, her
+leech.  She lighted up all the churches in Yorkshire with wax-
+candles, the offerings of her piety.  The bells of her chapel began
+to ring at two o'clock in the morning; and all the domestics of
+Rotherwood were called upon to attend at matins, at complins, at
+nones, at vespers, and at sermon.  I need not say that fasting was
+observed with all the rigors of the Church; and that those of the
+servants of the Lady Rowena were looked upon with most favor whose
+hair-shirts were the roughest, and who flagellated themselves with
+the most becoming perseverance.
+
+Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba's wits or
+cooled his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy
+fool in England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the
+shuddering poor servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below
+the salt, it was such a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to
+laugh at the innuendoes of the unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile
+was the best applause he could muster.  Once, indeed, when Guffo,
+the goose-boy (a half-witted poor wretch), laughed outright at a
+lamentably stale pun which Wamba palmed upon him at supper-time,
+(it was dark, and the torches being brought in, Wamba said, "Guffo,
+they can't see their way in the argument, and are going TO THROW A
+LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,") the Lady Rowena, being disturbed
+in a theological controversy with Father Willibald, (afterwards
+canonized as St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit and confessor,)
+called out to know what was the cause of the unseemly interruption,
+and Guffo and Wamba being pointed out as the culprits, ordered them
+straightway into the court-yard, and three dozen to be administered
+to each of them.
+
+"I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle," said poor Wamba,
+piteously, appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, "and canst thou not
+save me from the lash?"
+
+"Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf's castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH
+THE JEWESS IN THE TOWER!" said Rowena, haughtily replying to the
+timid appeal of her husband.  "Gurth, give him four dozen!"
+
+And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of
+his master.
+
+In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the
+royal blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort,
+could scarcely call his life his own, and was made, in all things,
+to feel the inferiority of his station.  And which of us is there
+acquainted with the sex that has not remarked this propensity in
+lovely woman, and how often the wisest in the council are made to
+be as fools at HER board, and the boldest in the battle-field are
+craven when facing her distaff?
+
+"Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower," was a
+remark, too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader
+will understand, the significancy.  When the daughter of Isaac of
+York brought her diamonds and rubies--the poor gentle victim!--and,
+meekly laying them at the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed
+into foreign lands to tend the sick of her people, and to brood
+over the bootless passion which consumed her own pure heart, one
+would have thought that the heart of the royal lady would have
+melted before such beauty and humility, and that she would have
+been generous in the moment of her victory.
+
+But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being
+handsome and more love-worthy than herself?  The Lady Rowena did
+certainly say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, "Come
+and live with me as a sister," as the former part of this history
+shows; but Rebecca knew in her heart that her ladyship's proposition
+was what is called BOSH (in that noble Eastern language with which
+Wilfrid the Crusader was familiar), or fudge, in plain Saxon; and
+retired with a broken, gentle spirit, neither able to bear the sight
+of her rival's happiness, nor willing to disturb it by the contrast
+of her own wretchedness.  Rowena, like the most high-bred and
+virtuous of women, never forgave Isaac's daughter her beauty, nor
+her flirtation with Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term it);
+nor, above all, her admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena
+was actually in possession of them.
+
+In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe's teeth.
+There was not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made
+to remember that a Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and
+that a Christian lady of fashion could never forgive the insult.
+For instance, if Gurth, the swineherd, who was now promoted to be a
+gamekeeper and verderer, brought the account of a famous wild-boar
+in the wood, and proposed a hunt, Rowena would say, "Do, Sir
+Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you know your friends the Jews
+can't abide them!"  Or when, as it oft would happen, our lion-
+hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a benevolence
+from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists, or
+extract some of the principal rabbis' teeth, Rowena would exult and
+say, "Serve them right, the misbelieving wretches!  England can
+never be a happy country until every one of these monsters is
+exterminated!" or else, adopting a strain of still more savage
+sarcasm, would exclaim, "Ivanhoe my dear, more persecution for the
+Jews!  Hadn't you better interfere, my love?  His Majesty will do
+anything for you; and, you know, the Jews were ALWAYS SUCH
+FAVORITES OF YOURS," or words to that effect.  But, nevertheless,
+her ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing Rebecca's jewels
+at court, whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or at the York
+assizes and ball, when she appeared there: not of course because
+she took any interest in such things, but because she considered it
+her duty to attend, as one of the chief ladies of the county.
+
+Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his
+wishes, was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous
+elevation, disappointed.  Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so
+in life!  Many a garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and
+green, which, when beheld closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady
+walks melancholy and grass-grown; the bowers you would fain repose
+in, cushioned with stinging-nettles.  I have ridden in a caique
+upon the waters of the Bosphorus, and looked upon the capital of
+the Soldan of Turkey.  As seen from those blue waters, with palace
+and pinnacle, with gilded dome and towering cypress, it seemeth a
+very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter the city, and it is but a
+beggarly labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty alleys, where the ways
+are steep and the smells are foul, tenanted by mangy dogs and
+ragged beggars--a dismal illusion!  Life is such, ah, well-a-day!
+It is only hope which is real, and reality is a bitterness and a
+deceit.
+
+Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe's high principles would never bring
+himself to acknowledge this fact; but others did for him.  He grew
+thin, and pined away as much as if he had been in a fever under the
+scorching sun of Ascalon.  He had no appetite for his meals; he
+slept ill, though he was yawning all day.  The jangling of the
+doctors and friars whom Rowena brought together did not in the
+least enliven him, and he would sometimes give proofs of somnolency
+during their disputes, greatly to the consternation of his lady.
+He hunted a good deal, and, I very much fear, as Rowena rightly
+remarked, that he might have an excuse for being absent from home.
+He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a hermit; and
+when he came back from Athelstane's (whither he would repair not
+unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural
+brilliancy of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be
+sure, was sitting up for him.  As for Athelstane, he swore by St.
+Wullstan that he was glad to have escaped a marriage with such a
+pattern of propriety; and honest Cedric the Saxon (who had been
+very speedily driven out of his daughter-in-law's castle) vowed by
+St. Waltheof that his son had bought a dear bargain.
+
+So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his
+royal master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he
+had squeezed from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all
+the money which he could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince
+began to make war against the French King, in Normandy and Guienne,
+Sir Wilfrid pined like a true servant to be in company of the good
+champion, alongside of whom he had shivered so many lances, and
+dealt such woundy blows of sword and battle-axe on the plains of
+Jaffa or the breaches of Acre.  Travellers were welcome at
+Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good King: and I
+warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when Father
+Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James's Chronykyll (which was
+the paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of "another glorious
+triumph"--"Defeat of the French near Blois"--"Splendid victory at
+Epte, and narrow escape of the French King:" the which deeds of
+arms the learned scribes had to narrate.
+
+However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left
+the Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and
+the more moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his
+Gascony wine.  Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail
+hanging vacant on the wall, his banner covered with spider-webs,
+and his sword and axe rusting there.  "Ah, dear axe," sighed he
+(into his drinking-horn)--"ah, gentle steel! that was a merry time
+when I sent thee crashing into the pate of the Emir Abdul Melik as
+he rode on the right of Saladin.  Ah, my sword, my dainty headsman?
+my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards! is the rust to eat
+thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in battle?  What
+is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a cobweb for
+a pennon?  O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once more
+thy voice in the front of the onset!  Bones of Brian the Templar?
+would ye could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we
+might break another spear for honor and--and--" . . .
+
+"And REBECCA," he would have said; but the knight paused here in
+rather a guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena
+(as she chose to style herself at home) looked so hard at him out
+of her china-blue eyes, that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading
+his thoughts, and was fain to drop his own eyes into his flagon.
+
+In a word, his life was intolerable.  The dinner hour of the
+twelfth century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined
+at ten o'clock in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum
+under her canopy, embroidered with the arms of Edward the
+Confessor, working with her maidens at the most hideous pieces of
+tapestry, representing the tortures and martyrdoms of her favorite
+saints, and not allowing a soul to speak above his breath, except
+when she chose to cry out in her own shrill voice when a handmaid
+made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of worsted.  It was a
+dreary life.  Wamba, we have said, never ventured to crack a joke,
+save in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and then Sir
+Wilfrid Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but
+hunted in silence, moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with
+shaft and quarrel.
+
+Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless,
+to join him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard,
+with a score or two of lances.  But the Earl of Huntingdon was a
+very different character from Robin Hood the forester.  There was
+no more conscientious magistrate in all the county than his
+lordship: he was never known to miss church or quarter-sessions; he
+was the strictest game-proprietor in all the Riding, and sent
+scores of poachers to Botany Bay.  "A man who has a stake in the
+country, my good Sir Wilfrid," Lord Huntingdon said, with rather a
+patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat since the
+King had taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong as an
+elephant to mount him)--"a man with a stake in the country ought to
+stay IN the country.  Property has its duties as well as its
+privileges, and a person of my rank is bound to live on the land
+from which he gets his living."
+
+"'Amen!" sang out the Reverend ---- Tuck, his lordship's domestic
+chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx,
+who was as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his
+handkerchief, and had his poll shaved and his beard curled every
+day.  And so sanctified was his Reverence grown, that he thought it
+was a shame to kill the pretty deer, (though he ate of them still
+hugely, both in pasties and with French beans and currant-jelly,)
+and being shown a quarter-staff upon a certain occasion, handled it
+curiously, and asked "what that ugly great stick was?"
+
+Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun
+and spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come
+and stay at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness
+of that castle.  But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself
+such airs, and bored her so intolerably with stories of King Edward
+the Confessor, that she preferred any place rather than Rotherwood,
+which was as dull as if it had been at the top of Mount Athos.
+
+The only person who visited it was Athelstane.  "His Royal Highness
+the Prince" Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received
+with royal honors.  She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned
+out with presented arms when he arrived; helped him to all
+Ivanhoe's favorite cuts of the mutton or the turkey, and forced her
+poor husband to light him to the state bedroom, walking backwards,
+holding a pair of wax-candles.  At this hour of bedtime the Thane
+used to be in such a condition, that he saw two pair of candles and
+two Ivanhoes reeling before him.  Let us hope it was not Ivanhoe
+that was reeling, but only his kinsman's brains muddled with the
+quantities of drink which it was his daily custom to consume.
+Rowena said it was the crack which the wicked Bois Guilbert, "the
+Jewess's OTHER lover, Wilfrid my dear," gave him on his royal
+skull, which caused the Prince to be disturbed so easily; but
+added, that drinking became a person of royal blood, and was but
+one of the duties of his station.
+
+Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man
+to bear him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he
+himself was every day more and more bent upon going, and he long
+cast about for some means of breaking to his Rowena his firm
+resolution to join the King.  He thought she would certainty fall
+ill if he communicated the news too abruptly to her: he would
+pretend a journey to York to attend a grand jury; then a call to
+London on law business or to buy stock; then he would slip over to
+Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and so be with the
+King before his wife knew that he was out of sight of Westminster
+Hall.
+
+"Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo!
+to a goose, plump, short, and to the point," said Wamba the Jester--
+who was Sir Wilfrid's chief counsellor and attendant--"depend on't
+her Highness would bear the news like a Christian woman."
+
+"Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap," said Sir Wilfrid, in
+a fine tone of high-tragedy indignation.  "Thou knowest not the
+delicacy of the nerves of high-born ladies.  An she faint not,
+write me down Hollander."
+
+"I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that
+she will let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not
+the matter too strongly," Wamba answered, knowingly.  And this
+Ivanhoe found to his discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast,
+adopting a degage air, as he sipped his tea, he said, "My love, I
+was thinking of going over to pay his Majesty a visit in Normandy."
+Upon which, laying down her muffin, (which, since the royal Alfred
+baked those cakes, had been the chosen breakfast cate of noble
+Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered to her on a
+salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)--"When do you
+think of going, Wilfrid my dear?" the lady said; and the moment the
+tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put
+away, she set about mending his linen, and getting ready his
+carpet-bag.
+
+So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him
+as he had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the
+Fool to say, "Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board,
+who, when the boatswain flogged him, did cry out 'Oh!' wherever the
+rope's-end fell on him: which caused Master Boatswain to say,
+'Plague on thee, fellow, and a pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit
+thee there is no pleasing thee.'"
+
+"And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring,"
+thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, "and mine is one that is ever
+sore."
+
+So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and
+a large woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife's own
+white fingers had woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join
+the King his master.  Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a
+series of prayers and blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord
+mounted his charger, which his squires led to the door.  "It was
+the duty of the British female of rank," she said, "to suffer all--
+ALL in the cause of her sovereign.  SHE would not fear loneliness
+during the campaign: she would bear up against widowhood,
+desertion, and an unprotected situation."
+
+"My cousin Athelstane will protect thee," said Ivanhoe, with
+profound emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and
+bestowing a chaste salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena
+modestly said "she hoped his Highness would be so kind."
+
+Then Ivanhoe's trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket-
+handkerchief: then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant
+of the good Knight, Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner
+(which was argent, a gules cramoisy with three Moors impaled
+sable): then Wamba gave a lash on his mule's haunch, and Ivanhoe,
+heaving a great sigh, turned the tail of his war-horse upon the
+castle of his fathers.
+
+As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane
+powdering along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his
+great dray-horse of a charger.  "Good-by, good luck to you, old
+brick," cried the Prince, using the vernacular Saxon.  "Pitch into
+those Frenchmen; give it 'em over the face and eyes; and I'll stop
+at home and take care of Mrs. I."
+
+"Thank you, kinsman," said Ivanhoe--looking, however, not
+particularly well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train
+of each took its different way--Athelstane's to Rotherwood,
+Ivanhoe's towards his place of embarkation.
+
+The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and
+as yellow as a lawyer's parchment; and having longed to quit home
+any time these three years past, he found himself envying
+Athelstane, because, forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which
+symptoms of discontent being observed by the witless Wamba, caused
+that absurd madman to bring his rebeck over his shoulder from his
+back, and to sing--
+
+
+               "ATRA CURA.
+
+     "Before I lost my five poor wits,
+      I mind me of a Romish clerk,
+      Who sang how Care, the phantom dark,
+      Beside the belted horseman sits.
+      Methought I saw the griesly sprite
+      Jump up but now behind my Knight."
+
+
+"Perhaps thou didst, knave," said Ivanhoe, looking over his
+shoulder; and the knave went on with his jingle:
+
+
+     "And though he gallop as he may,
+      I mark that cursed monster black
+      Still sits behind his honor's back,
+      Tight squeezing of his heart alway.
+      Like two black Templars sit they there,
+      Beside one crupper, Knight and Care.
+
+     "No knight am I with pennoned spear,
+      To prance upon a bold destrere:
+      I will not have black Care prevail
+      Upon my long-eared charger's tail,
+      For lo, I am a witless fool,
+      And laugh at Grief and ride a mule."
+
+
+And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule's sides.
+
+"Silence, fool!" said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both
+majestic and wrathful.  "If thou knowest not care and grief, it is
+because thou knowest not love, whereof they are the companions.
+Who can love without an anxious heart?  How shall there be joy at
+meeting, without tears at parting?"  ("I did not see that his honor
+or my lady shed many anon," thought Wamba the Fool; but he was only
+a zany, and his mind was not right.)  "I would not exchange my very
+sorrows for thine indifference," the knight continued.  "Where
+there is a sun, there must be a shadow.  If the shadow offend me,
+shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark?  No!  I am content
+with my fate, even such as it is.  The Care of which thou speakest,
+hard though it may vex him, never yet rode down an honest man.  I
+can bear him on my shoulders, and make my way through the world's
+press in spite of him; for my arm is strong, and my sword is keen,
+and my shield has no stain on it; and my heart, though it is sad,
+knows no guile."  And here, taking a locket out of his waistcoat
+(which was made of chain-mail), the knight kissed the token, put it
+back under the waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and stuck
+spurs into his horse.
+
+As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid
+was making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on
+the knight's part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to
+the fool,) and so did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe's
+pompous remarks.  They travelled on by slow stages through the
+whole kingdom, until they came to Dover, whence they took shipping
+for Calais.  And in this little voyage, being exceedingly sea-sick,
+and besides elated at the thought of meeting his sovereign, the
+good knight cast away that profound melancholy which had
+accompanied him during the whole of his land journey.
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+THE LAST DAYS OF THE LION.
+
+
+From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across
+country to Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses
+and the rest of his attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who
+travelled not only as the knight's fool, but as his valet, and who,
+perched on the roof of the carriage, amused himself by blowing
+tunes upon the conducteur's French horn.  The good King Richard
+was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin, encamped before a little
+place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a vassal of the
+King's, was holding the castle against his sovereign with a
+resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the
+part of the Monarch with the Lion Heart.  For brave and magnanimous
+as he was, the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more
+than another; and, like the royal animal whom he was said to
+resemble, he commonly tore his adversary to pieces, and then,
+perchance, had leisure to think how brave the latter had been.  The
+Count of Chalus had found, it was said, a pot of money; the royal
+Richard wanted it.  As the count denied that he had it, why did he
+not open the gates of his castle at once?  It was a clear proof
+that he was guilty; and the King was determined to punish this
+rebel, and have his money and his life too.
+
+He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those
+instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the
+place a score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been
+beaten back on every occasion, until he was so savage that it was
+dangerous to approach the British Lion.  The Lion's wife, the
+lovely Berengaria, scarcely ventured to come near him.  He flung
+the joint-stools in his tent at the heads of the officers of state,
+and kicked his aides-de-camp round his pavilion; and, in fact, a
+maid of honor, who brought a sack-posset in to his Majesty from the
+Queen after he came in from the assault, came spinning like a
+football out of the royal tent just as Ivanhoe entered it.
+
+"Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!" roared out the
+infuriate King.  "By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the
+sack!  By St. Wittikind, I will have her flayed alive.  Ha, St.
+George! ha, St. Richard! whom have we here?"  And he lifted up his
+demi-culverin, or curtal-axe--a weapon weighing about thirteen
+hundredweight--and was about to fling it at the intruder's head,
+when the latter, kneeling gracefully on one knee, said calmly, "It
+is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe."
+
+"What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the
+henpecked!" cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor,
+flinging away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed
+(it lighted three hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon,
+who was smoking a cigar at the door of his tent, and caused that
+redoubted warrior to limp for some days after).  "What, Wilfrid my
+gossip?  Art come to see the lion's den?  There are bones in it,
+man, bones and carcasses, and the lion is angry," said the King,
+with a terrific glare of his eyes.  "But tush! we will talk of that
+anon.  Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for the King and the good
+Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe.  Thou art come in time, Wilfrid,
+for, by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand assault
+to-morrow.  There will be bones broken, ha!"
+
+"I care not, my liege," said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign
+respectfully, and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of
+hypocras to his Highness's good health.  And he at once appeared to
+be taken into high favor; not a little to the envy of many of the
+persons surrounding the King.
+
+As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty
+before Chalus.  Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the
+castle, but it was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his
+gallant garrison, that each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties
+returning disconsolately to their tents, leaving behind them many
+of their own slain, and bringing back with them store of broken
+heads and maimed limbs, received in the unsuccessful onset.  The
+valor displayed by Ivanhoe in all these contests was prodigious;
+and the way in which he escaped death from the discharges of
+mangonels, catapults, battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling
+oil, and other artillery, with which the besieged received their
+enemies, was remarkable.  After a day's fighting, Gurth and Wamba
+used to pick the arrows out of their intrepid master's coat-of-
+mail, as if they had been so many almonds in a pudding.  'Twas well
+for the good knight, that under his first coat-of armor he wore a
+choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly impervious to arrow-shots,
+and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac of York, to whom he
+had done some considerable services a few years back.
+
+If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated
+failures of his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice
+was blinded in the lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the
+first to acknowledge the valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would
+have given him a Peerage and the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a
+dozen times in the course of the siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a
+dozen storming parties, and with his own hand killed as many men
+(viz, two thousand three hundred and fifty-one) within six, as were
+slain by the lion-hearted monarch himself.  But his Majesty was
+rather disgusted than pleased by his faithful servant's prowess;
+and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for his superior valor and
+dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of hundreds of them
+of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings host could
+not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the royal
+mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of
+arms with an evil eye.  Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King
+that Sir Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill
+more men than Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de
+Toadhole said that Ivanhoe stated everywhere that his Majesty was
+not the man he used to be; that pleasures and drink had enervated
+him; that he could neither ride, nor strike a blow with sword or
+axe, as he had been enabled to do in the old times in Palestine:
+and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault, in which they had very
+nearly carried the place, and in which onset Ivanhoe slew seven,
+and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de Chalus, its
+defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his banner
+before the King's upon the wall; and only rescued himself from
+utter disgrace by saving his Majesty's life several times in the
+course of this most desperate onslaught.
+
+Then the luckless knight's very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected
+readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men--nor was Ivanhoe
+liked by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard.
+His young Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the
+pleasure-loving monarch.  His Majesty would transact business in
+the morning, then fight severely from after breakfast till about
+three o'clock in the afternoon; from which time, until after
+midnight, there was nothing but jigging and singing, feasting and
+revelry, in the royal tents.  Ivanhoe, who was asked as a matter of
+ceremony, and forced to attend these entertainments, not caring
+about the blandishments of any of the ladies present, looked on at
+their ogling and dancing with a countenance as glum as an
+undertaker's, and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst of the
+festivities.  His favorite resort and conversation were with a
+remarkably austere hermit, who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus,
+and with whom Ivanhoe loved to talk about Palestine, and the Jews,
+and other grave matters of import, better than to mingle in the
+gayest amusements of the court of King Richard.  Many a night, when
+the Queen and the ladies were dancing quadrilles and polkas (in
+which his Majesty, who was enormously stout as well as tall,
+insisted upon figuring, and in which he was about as graceful as an
+elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe would steal away from the
+ball, and come and have a night's chat under the moon with his
+reverend friend.  It pained him to see a man of the King's age and
+size dancing about with the young folks.  They laughed at his
+Majesty whilst they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor
+mimicked the royal mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe
+ever could have laughed, he certainly would one night when the
+King, in light-blue satin inexpressibles, with his hair in powder,
+chose to dance the minuet de la cour with the little Queen
+Berangeria.
+
+Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and
+begin to sing.  He was said to compose his own songs--words and
+music--but those who have read Lord Campobello's "Lives of the Lord
+Chancellors" are aware that there was a person by the name of
+Blondel, who, in fact, did all the musical part of the King's
+performances; and as for the words, when a king writes verses, we
+may be sure there will be plenty of people to admire his poetry.
+His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which he had stolen every
+idea, to an air that was ringing on all the barrel-organs of
+Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would say, "How
+do you like that?  I dashed it off this morning."  Or, "Blondel,
+what do you think of this movement in B flat?" or what not; and the
+courtiers and Blondel, you may be sure, would applaud with all
+their might, like hypocrites as they were.
+
+One evening--it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed--
+his Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a
+quantity of his so-called composition, until the people were fairly
+tired of clapping with their hands and laughing in their sleeves.
+First he sang an ORIGINAL air and poem, beginning
+
+
+     "Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose,
+      Fresh and fair ones, who'll refuse?" &c.
+
+
+The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the
+day before yesterday.  Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic
+melody, of which the chorus was
+
+
+     "Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea,
+      For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be," &c.
+
+
+The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except
+Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until
+the King questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said "he
+thought he had heard something very like the air and the words
+elsewhere."  His Majesty scowled at him a savage glance from under
+his red bushy eyebrows; but Ivanhoe had saved the royal life that
+day, and the King, therefore, with difficulty controlled his
+indignation.
+
+"Well," said he, "by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard
+THIS song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath
+after the melee.  Did I not, Blondel?"
+
+Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty
+had done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his
+great red fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as
+follows:--
+
+
+     "COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL.
+
+     "The Pope he is a happy man,
+      His Palace is the Vatican,
+      And there he sits and drains his can:
+      The Pope he is a happy man.
+      I often say when I'm at home,
+      I'd like to be the Pope of Rome.
+
+     "And then there's Sultan Saladin,
+      That Turkish Soldan full of sin;
+      He has a hundred wives at least,
+      By which his pleasure is increased:
+      I've often wished, I hope no sin,
+      That I were Sultan Saladin.
+
+     "But no, the Pope no wife may choose,
+      And so I would not wear his shoes;
+      No wine may drink the proud Paynim,
+      And so I'd rather not be him:
+      My wife, my wine, I love I hope,
+      And would be neither Turk nor Pope."
+
+
+"Encore!  Encore!  Bravo!  Bis!"  Everybody applauded the King's
+song with all his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved
+his abominable gravity: and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite
+whether he had heard that too, said firmly, "Yes, Roger de
+Backbite; and so hast thou if thou darest but tell the truth."
+
+"Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again," bawled the
+King in a fury, "if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may
+I die in to-morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song.  Sing
+thyself, Wilfrid of the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could'st sing a good
+song in old times."  And with all his might, and with a forced
+laugh, the King, who loved brutal practical jests, flung his guitar
+at the head of Ivanhoe.
+
+Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an
+elegant bow to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:--
+
+
+                        "KING CANUTE.
+
+"King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score,
+Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing
+  more;
+And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore.
+
+"'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps sedate,
+Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks
+  great,
+Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,--all the officers of state.
+
+"Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause,
+If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped their
+  jaws;
+If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws.
+
+"But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and
+  young:
+Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen
+  sung,
+Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her
+  tongue.
+
+"'Something ails my gracious master,' cried the Keeper of the Seal.
+'Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?'
+'Psha!' exclaimed the angry monarch.  'Keeper, 'tis not that I feel.
+
+"''Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest impair:
+Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care?
+Oh, I'm sick, and tired, and weary.'--Some one cried, 'The King's
+   arm-chair?'
+
+"Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded,
+Straight the King's great chair was brought him, by two footmen
+   able-bodied;
+Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded.
+
+"'Leading on my fierce companions,' cried be, 'over storm and brine,
+I have fought and I have conquered!  Where was glory like to mine?'
+Loudly all the courtiers echoed: 'Where is glory like to thine?'
+
+"'What avail me all my kingdoms?  Weary am I now, and old;
+Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold;
+Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould!
+
+"'Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites;
+Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights;
+Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights.
+
+"'Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires;
+Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered
+  sires.'--
+Such a tender conscience,' cries the Bishop, 'every one admires.
+
+"'But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to
+  search,
+They're forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church;
+Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch.
+
+"'Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace's bounty
+  raised;
+Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily praised:
+YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I'm amazed!'
+
+"'Nay, I feel,' replied King Canute, 'that my end is drawing near.'
+'Don't say so,' exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a
+  tear).
+'Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty year.'
+
+"'Live these fifty years!' the Bishop roared, with actions made to
+  suit.
+'Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute!
+Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do't.
+
+"'Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela,
+Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn't the King as well as
+  they?'
+'Fervently,' exclaimed the Keeper, 'fervently I trust he may.'
+
+"'HE to die?' resumed the Bishop.  'He a mortal like to US?
+Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus:
+Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus.
+
+"'With his wondrous skill in healing ne'er a doctor can compete,
+Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet;
+Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet.
+
+"'Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill,
+And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still?
+So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.'
+
+"'Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?' Canute cried;
+'Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride?
+If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide.
+
+"'Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?'
+Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, 'Land and sea, my lord, are thine.'
+Canute turned towards the ocean--'Back!' he said, 'thou foaming
+  brine
+
+"'From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat;
+Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master's seat:
+Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!'
+
+"But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar,
+And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore;
+Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore.
+
+"And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay,
+But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey:
+And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day.
+King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway."
+
+
+At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as
+a sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some
+affected to be asleep and snore outright.  But Roger de Backbite
+thinking to curry favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity,
+his Majesty fetched him a knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear,
+which, I warrant me, wakened Master Roger; to whom the King said,
+"Listen and be civil, slave; Wilfrid is singing about thee.--
+Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but it is to the purpose, and I have
+grown cool during thy homily.  Give me thy hand, honest friend.
+Ladies, good night.  Gentlemen, we give the grand assault to-morrow;
+when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall not be before mine."--
+And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty, retired into the
+private pavilion.
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+ST. GEORGE FOR ENGLAND.
+
+
+Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp
+outside the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most
+miserable plight that may be conceived.  Hunger, as well as the
+fierce assaults of the besiegers, had made dire ravages in the
+place.  The garrison's provisions of corn and cattle, their very
+horses, dogs, and donkeys had been eaten up--so that it might well
+be said by Wamba "that famine, as well as slaughter, had THINNED
+the garrison."  When the men of Chalus came on the walls to defend
+it against the scaling-parties of King Richard, they were like so
+many skeletons in armor; they could hardly pull their bowstrings at
+last, or pitch down stones on the heads of his Majesty's party, so
+weak had their arms become; and the gigantic Count of Chalus--a
+warrior as redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard
+Plantagenet himself--was scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe
+upon the day of that last assault, when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran
+him through the--but we are advancing matters.
+
+What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which
+the Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his
+heroic sons and garrison?--Nothing, but that Dante has already done
+the business in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my
+efforts might be considered as mere imitations.  Why should I not,
+if I were minded to revel in horrifying details, show you how the
+famished garrison drew lots, and ate themselves during the siege;
+and how the unlucky lot falling upon the Countess of Chalus, that
+heroic woman, taking an affectionate leave of her family, caused
+her large caldron in the castle kitchen to be set a-boiling, had
+onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and salt made ready, to make a
+savory soup, as the French like it; and when all things were quite
+completed, kissed her children, jumped into the caldron from off a
+kitchen stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel bed-gown?
+Dear friends, it is not from want of imagination, or from having no
+turn for the terrible or pathetic, that I spare you these details.
+I could give you some description that would spoil your dinner and
+night's rest, and make your hair stand on end.  But why harrow your
+feelings?  Fancy all the tortures and horrors that possibly can
+occur in a beleaguered and famished castle: fancy the feelings of
+men who know that no more quarter will be given them than they
+would get if they were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and
+brought to trial by his Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then
+let us rush on to the breach and prepare once more to meet the
+assault of dreadful King Richard and his men.
+
+On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having
+copiously partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and
+advanced with his host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus.
+Arthur de Pendennis bore his banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on
+the King's right hand.  Molyneux, Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed
+crosier and mitre for that day, and though fat and pursy, panted up
+the breach with the most resolute spirit, roaring out war-cries and
+curses, and wielding a prodigious mace of iron, with which he did
+good execution.  Roger de Backbite was forced to come in attendance
+upon the sovereign, but took care to keep in the rear of his august
+master, and to shelter behind his huge triangular shield as much as
+possible.  Many lords of note followed the King and bore the
+ladders; and as they were placed against the wall, the air was
+perfectly dark with the shower of arrows which the French archers
+poured out at the besiegers, and the cataract of stones, kettles,
+bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery, umbrellas, congreve-
+rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other missiles which the
+desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party.  The King
+received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany
+wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an
+ox, and would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off
+skilfully.  Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them
+like grass beneath the scythe of the mower.
+
+The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining
+round: the King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount
+them.  Chalus stood in the breach, borrowing strength from despair;
+and roaring out, "Ha! Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!" he
+dealt the King a crack across the helmet with his battle-axe, which
+shore off the gilt lion and crown that surmounted the steel cap.
+The King bent and reeled back; the besiegers were dismayed; the
+garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a shout of triumph: but it
+was premature.
+
+As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in
+tierce, which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him
+through as clean as a spit does a partridge.  Uttering a horrid
+shriek, he fell back writhing; the King recovering staggered up the
+parapet; the rush of knights followed, and the union-jack was
+planted triumphantly on the walls, just as Ivanhoe,--but we must
+leave him for a moment.
+
+"Ha, St. Richard!--ha, St. George!" the tremendous voice of the
+Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset.  At every
+sweep of his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting
+trunk tumbled, bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan.  The world
+hath never seen a warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet,
+as he raged over the keep, his eyes flashing fire through the bars
+of his morion, snorting and chafing with the hot lust of battle.
+One by one les enfans de Chalus had fallen; there was only one left
+at last of all the brave race that had fought round the gallant
+Count:--only one, and but a boy, a fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed
+boy! he had been gathering pansies in the fields but yesterday--it
+was but a few years, and he was a baby in his mother's arms!  What
+could his puny sword do against the most redoubted blade in
+Christendom?--and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of England,
+and met him foot to foot!  Turn away, turn away, my dear young
+friends and kind-hearted ladies!  Do not look at that ill-fated
+poor boy! his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the
+conqueror, and the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . .
+
+"Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges," said Bertrand de Gourdon, "the
+butcher will never strike down yonder lambling!  Hold thy hand, Sir
+King, or, by St. Barbacue--"
+
+Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his
+shoulder, the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the
+next moment crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet.
+
+'Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon!  Maddened by the pain
+of the wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish
+appetite for blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and
+with a curse too horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal
+butcher fell down on the blond ringlets of the child, and the
+children of Chalus were no more! . . .
+
+
+I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT
+be done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as
+in the battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one
+of whose works this present masterpiece is professedly a
+continuation, everything passes off agreeably--the people are
+slain, but without any unpleasant sensation to the reader; nay,
+some of the most savage and blood-stained characters of history,
+such is the indomitable good-humor of the great novelist, become
+amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a hearty sympathy--so,
+if you please, we will have this fighting business at Chalus, and
+the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon, disposed of; the
+former, according to the usage of the good old times, having been
+hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the manner
+described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History.
+
+As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of
+Bertrand de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero--and that from
+that 29th of March he never robbed nor murdered any more.  And we
+have legends in recondite books of the manner of the King's death.
+
+"You must die, my son," said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as
+Berengaria was carried shrieking from the King's tent.  "Repent,
+Sir King, and separate yourself from your children!"
+
+"It is ill jesting with a dying man," replied the King.  "Children
+have I none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me."
+
+"Richard of England," said the archbishop, turning up his fine
+eyes, "your vices are your children.  Ambition is your eldest
+child, Cruelty is your second child, Luxury is your third child;
+and you have nourished them from your youth up.  Separate yourself
+from these sinful ones, and prepare your soul, for the hour of
+departure draweth nigh."
+
+Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England
+met his death like a Christian man.  Peace be to the soul of the
+brave!  When the news came to King Philip of France, he sternly
+forbade his courtiers to rejoice at the death of his enemy.  "It is
+no matter of joy but of dolor," he said, "that the bulwark of
+Christendom and the bravest king of Europe is no more."
+
+
+Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left
+in the act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus
+through the body?
+
+As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse
+of his fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a
+dagger into his back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open
+(for Sir Wilfrid had armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his
+breast, not his back, that he was accustomed ordinarily to protect);
+and when poor Wamba came up on the rampart, which he did when the
+fighting was over,--being such a fool that he could not be got to
+thrust his head into danger for glory's sake--he found his dear
+knight with the dagger in his back lying without life upon the body
+of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon slain.
+
+Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed!
+How he lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend!
+What mattered it to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to
+his tent, and that Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive?  At
+another time the sight of this spectacle might have amused the
+simple knave; but now all his thoughts were of his lord: so good,
+so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so frank with the great, so tender to
+the poor, so truthful of speech, so modest regarding his own merit,
+so true a gentleman, in a word, that anybody might, with reason,
+deplore him.
+
+As Wamba opened the dear knight's corselet, he found a locket round
+his neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my
+Lady Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black,
+Wamba thought, as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight
+had rescued in the lists of Templestowe.  A bit of Rowena's hair
+was in Sir Wilfrid's possession, too; but that was in his purse
+along with his seal of arms, and a couple of groats: for the good
+knight never kept any money, so generous was he of his largesses
+when money came in.
+
+Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket
+of hair round his master's neck, and when he returned to England
+never said a word about the circumstance.  After all, how should he
+know whose hair it was?  It might have been the knight's
+grandmother's hair for aught the fool knew; so he kept his counsel
+when he brought back the sad news and tokens to the disconsolate
+widow at Rotherwood.
+
+The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed
+sat by it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when,
+seeing two suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he
+fled in dismay, supposing that they were marauders who were out
+searching for booty among the dead bodies; and having not the least
+courage, he fled from these, and tumbled down the breach, and never
+stopped running as fast as his legs would carry him, until he
+reached the tent of his late beloved master.
+
+The news of the knight's demise, it appeared, had been known at his
+quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden
+off on his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much
+as a shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and
+blankets had been carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants.  Who
+had slain Ivanhoe?  That remains a mystery to the present day; but
+Roger de Backbite, whose nose he had pulled for defamation, and who
+was behind him in the assault at Chalus, was seen two years
+afterwards at the court of King John in an embroidered velvet
+waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had worked for Ivanhoe,
+and about which the widow would have made some little noise, but
+that--but that she was no longer a widow.
+
+That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned,
+for she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York
+could supply, and erected a monument to his memory as big as a
+minster.  But she was a lady of such fine principles, that she did
+not allow her grief to overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily
+arising for uniting the two best Saxon families in England, by an
+alliance between herself and the gentleman who offered himself to
+her, Rowena sacrificed her inclination to remain single, to her
+sense of duty; and contracted a second matrimonial engagement.
+
+That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with
+life, and novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly
+natural and edifying, can for a moment doubt.  Cardinal Pandulfo
+tied the knot for them: and lest there should be any doubt about
+Ivanhoe's death (for his body was never sent home after all, nor
+seen after Wamba ran away from it), his Eminence procured a Papal
+decree annulling the former marriage, so that Rowena became Mrs.
+Athelstane with a clear conscience.  And who shall be surprised, if
+she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane than with the
+gentle and melancholy Wilfrid?  Did women never have a predilection
+for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with donkeys,
+before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania?  Ah! Mary, had
+you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack
+Bray, when a Michael Angelo offered?  Ah! Fanny, were you not a
+woman, would you persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and
+comes home tipsy from the Club?  Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times
+more about tipsy Athelstane than ever she had done for gentle
+Ivanhoe, and so great was her infatuation about the former, that
+she would sit upon his knee in the presence of all her maidens, and
+let him smoke his cigars in the very drawing-room.
+
+This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who
+piqued himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the
+death of her late lord:--
+
+
+     Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus:
+     Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia
+     Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat:
+     Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit.
+     Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa,
+     Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani.
+
+
+And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of
+the Latin lines:
+
+
+            "REQUIESCAT.
+
+     "Under the stone you behold,
+      Buried, and coffined, and cold,
+      Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold.
+
+     "Always he marched in advance,
+      Warring in Flanders and France,
+      Doughty with sword and with lance.
+
+     "Famous in Saracen fight,
+      Rode in his youth the good knight,
+      Scattering Paynims in flight.
+
+     "Brian the Templar untrue,
+      Fairly in tourney he slew,
+      Saw Hierusalem too.
+
+     "Now he is buried and gone,
+      Lying beneath the gray stone:
+      Where shall you find such a one?
+
+     "Long time his widow deplored,
+      Weeping the fate of her lord,
+      Sadly cut off by the sword.
+
+     "When she was eased of her pain,
+      Came the good Lord Athelstane,
+      When her ladyship married again."
+
+
+Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last
+line, but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane
+interceded; and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing.
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+IVANHOE REDIVIVUS.
+
+
+I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last
+chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead.  Because we have
+given him an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons
+that he should be really gone out of the world?  No: as in the
+pantomime, when we see Clown and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and
+cry over him, we are always sure that Master Harlequin will be up
+at the next minute alert and shining in his glistening coat; and,
+after giving a box on the ears to the pair of them, will be taking
+a dance with Columbine, or leaping gayly through the clock-face, or
+into the three-pair-of-stairs' window:--so Sir Wilfrid, the
+Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be run through a little, or
+may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly rise up again when
+he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment.
+
+The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no
+cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no
+other than Ivanhoe's friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of
+his, who visited the scene of the late battle in order to see if
+any Christians still survived there, whom they might shrive and get
+ready for heaven, or to whom they might possibly offer the benefit
+of their skill as leeches.  Both were prodigiously learned in the
+healing art; and had about them those precious elixirs which so
+often occur in romances, and with which patients are so miraculously
+restored.  Abruptly dropping his master's head from his lap as he
+fled, poor Wamba caused the knight's pate to fall with rather a
+heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave had but stayed a minute
+longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a deep groan.  But
+though the fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and to
+recognize the gallant Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger still
+sticking out of his back, to wash the wound with a portion of the
+precious elixir, and to pour a little of it down his throat, was
+with the excellent hermits the work of an instant: which remedies
+being applied, one of the good men took the knight by the heels and
+the other by the head, and bore him daintily from the castle to
+their hermitage in a neighboring rock.  As for the Count of Chalus,
+and the remainder of the slain, the hermits were too much occupied
+with Ivanhoe's case to mind them, and did not, it appears, give them
+any elixir: so that, if they are really dead, they must stay on the
+rampart stark and cold; or if otherwise, when the scene closes upon
+them as it does now, they may get up, shake themselves, go to the
+slips and drink a pot of porter, or change their stage-clothes and
+go home to supper.  My dear readers, you may settle the matter among
+yourselves as you like.  If you wish to kill the characters really
+off, let them be dead, and have done with them: but, entre nous, I
+don't believe they are any more dead than you or I are, and
+sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable of truth in this
+whole story.
+
+Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits' cell, and there doctored by
+the holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and
+dangerous order, that he was under medical treatment for a very
+considerable time.  When he woke up from his delirium, and asked
+how long he had been ill, fancy his astonishment when he heard that
+he had been in the fever for six years!  He thought the reverend
+fathers were joking at first, but their profession forbade them
+from that sort of levity; and besides, he could not possibly have
+got well any sooner, because the story would have been sadly put
+out had he appeared earlier.  And it proves how good the fathers
+were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger de
+Backbite's dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under
+this great length of time; during the whole of which the fathers
+tended him without ever thinking of a fee.  I know of a kind
+physician in this town who does as much sometimes; but I won't do
+him the ill service of mentioning his name here.
+
+Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard,
+which by this time hung down considerably below his knees, and
+calling for his suit of chain-armor, which before had fitted his
+elegant person as tight as wax, now put it on, and it bagged and
+hung so loosely about him, that even the good friars laughed at his
+absurd appearance.  It was impossible that he should go about the
+country in such a garb as that: the very boys would laugh at him:
+so the friars gave him one of their old gowns, in which he
+disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell of his
+friends, set forth on his return to his native country.  As he went
+along, he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that
+Prince Arthur had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted
+with various other facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock's
+Catechism and the Historic Page.
+
+But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own
+private affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him,
+and his pilgrim's staff shook with emotion, as at length, after
+many perils, he came in sight of his paternal mansion of
+Rotherwood, and saw once more the chimneys smoking, the shadows of
+the oaks over the grass in the sunset, and the rooks winging over
+the trees.  He heard the supper gong sounding: he knew his way to
+the door well enough; he entered the familiar hall with a
+benedicite, and without any more words took his place.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled
+and his shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself
+presently: nor could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered
+his face.
+
+A little boy was playing on Athelstane's knee; Rowena smiling and
+patting the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a
+huge cup of spiced wine from a golden jug.  He drained a quart of
+the liquor, and, turning round, addressed the friar:--
+
+"And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus
+by the bolt of that felon bowman?"
+
+"We did, an it please you.  The brothers of our house attended the
+good King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian
+ending!"
+
+"And didst thou see the archer flayed alive?  It must have been
+rare sport," roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke.  "How
+the fellow must have howled!"
+
+"My love!" said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty
+white finger on his lip.
+
+"I would have liked to see it too," cried the boy.
+
+"That's my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt.  And, friar, didst
+see my poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe?  They say he fought
+well at Chalus!"
+
+"My sweet lord," again interposed Rowena, "mention him not."
+
+"Why?  Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore--when you
+could not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?"
+
+"Those times are past now, dear Athelstane," said his affectionate
+wife, looking up to the ceiling.
+
+"Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena."
+
+"The odious hussy! don't mention the name of the unbelieving
+creature," exclaimed the lady.
+
+"Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad--a thought melancholy and
+milksop though.  Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains."
+
+"Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance," said the friar.  "I have
+heard there was none better in Christendom.  He lay in our convent
+after his wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died.  He
+was buried in our north cloister."
+
+"And there's an end of him," said Athelstane.  "But come, this is
+dismal talk.  Where's Wamba the Jester?  Let us have a song.  Stir
+up, Wamba, and don't lie like a dog in the fire!  Sing us a song,
+thou crack-brained jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones.
+Tush, man!  There be many good fellows left in this world."
+
+"There be buzzards in eagles' nests," Wamba said, who was lying
+stretched before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane's
+dogs.  "There be dead men alive, and live men dead.  There be merry
+songs and dismal songs.  Marry, and the merriest are the saddest
+sometimes.  I will leave off motley and wear black, gossip
+Athelstane.  I will turn howler at funerals, and then, perhaps, I
+shall be merry.  Motley is fit for mutes, and black for fools.
+Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is as cracked as my
+brain."
+
+"Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating," the Thane said.
+
+And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side
+and curled his lean shanks together and began:--
+
+
+            "LOVE AT TWO SCORE.
+
+     "Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin,
+        That never has known the barber's shear,
+      All your aim is woman to win--
+      This is the way that boys begin--
+        Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+     "Curly gold locks cover foolish brains,
+        Billing and cooing is all your cheer,
+      Sighing and singing of midnight strains
+      Under Bonnybells' window-panes.
+        Wait till you've come to forty year!
+
+     "Forty times over let Michaelmas pass,
+        Grizzling hair the brain doth clear;
+      Then you know a boy is an ass,
+      Then you know the worth of a lass,
+        Once you have come to forty year.
+
+     "Pledge me round, I bid ye declare,
+        All good fellows whose beards are gray:
+      Did not the fairest of the fair
+      Common grow, and wearisome, ere
+        Ever a month was passed away?
+
+     "The reddest lips that ever have kissed,
+        The brightest eyes that ever have shone,
+      May pray and whisper and we not list,
+      Or look away and never be missed,
+        Ere yet ever a month was gone.
+
+     "Gillian's dead, Heaven rest her bier,
+        How I loved her twenty years syne!
+      Marian's married, but I sit here,
+      Alive and merry at forty year,
+        Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine."
+
+
+"Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?"
+roared Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the
+chorus.
+
+"It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst,
+that you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we
+knew King Richard.  Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good
+priest."
+
+"They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love,"
+said Rowena.  "His Majesty hath taken him into much favor.  My Lord
+of Huntingdon looked very well at the last ball; but I never could
+see any beauty in the Countess--a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they
+used to call Maid Marian: though, for the matter of that, what
+between her flirtations with Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett,
+really--"
+
+"Jealous again--haw! haw!" laughed Athelstane.
+
+"I am above jealousy, and scorn it," Rowena answered, drawing
+herself up very majestically.
+
+"Well, well, Wamba's was a good song," Athelstane said.
+
+"Nay, a wicked song," said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual.
+"What! rail at woman's love?  Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true
+wife?  Woman's love is eternal, my Athelstane.  He who questions it
+would be a blasphemer were he not a fool.  The well-born and well-
+nurtured gentlewoman loves once and once only."
+
+"I pray you, madam, pardon me, I--I am not well," said the gray
+friar, rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the
+steps of the dais.  Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as
+he rose, and casting his arms around the apparently fainting man,
+he led him away into the court.  "There be dead men alive and live
+men dead," whispered he.  "There be coffins to laugh at and
+marriages to cry over.  Said I not sooth, holy friar?"  And when
+they had got out into the solitary court, which was deserted by all
+the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the drunken
+revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt down,
+and kissing the friar's garment, said, "I knew thee, I knew thee,
+my lord and my liege!"
+
+"Get up," said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate:
+"only fools are faithful."
+
+And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay
+buried.  All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester
+lay outside watching as mute as the saint over the porch.
+
+
+When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the
+habit of wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice
+was taken of his absence by a master and mistress who had not much
+sense of humor.  As for Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of
+feelings could not be expected to remain in a house where things so
+naturally disagreeable to him were occurring, and he quitted
+Rotherwood incontinently, after paying a dutiful visit to the tomb
+where his old father, Cedric, was buried; and hastened on to York,
+at which city he made himself known to the family attorney, a most
+respectable man, in whose hands his ready money was deposited, and
+took up a sum sufficient to fit himself out with credit, and a
+handsome retinue, as became a knight of consideration.  But he
+changed his name, wore a wig and spectacles, and disguised himself
+entirely, so that it was impossible his friends or the public
+should know him, and thus metamorphosed, went about whithersoever
+his fancy led him.  He was present at a public ball at York, which
+the lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de Coverley in the very same
+set with Rowena--(who was disgusted that Maid Marian took
+precedence of her)--he saw little Athelstane overeat himself at the
+supper and pledge his big father in a cup of sack; he met the
+Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary meeting, where he seconded a
+resolution proposed by that eminent divine;--in fine, he saw a
+score of his old acquaintances, none of whom recognized in him the
+warrior of Palestine and Templestowe.  Having a large fortune and
+nothing to do, he went about this country performing charities,
+slaying robbers, rescuing the distressed, and achieving noble feats
+of arms.  Dragons and giants existed in his day no more, or be sure
+he would have had a fling at them: for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid of
+Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life which the hermits of Chalus
+had restored to him, and felt himself so friendless and solitary
+that he would not have been sorry to come to an end of it.  Ah, my
+dear friends and intelligent British public, are there not others
+who are melancholy under a mask of gayety, and who, in the midst of
+crowds, are lonely?  Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi had
+feelings; and there are others I wot of:--but psha!--let us have
+the next chapter.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+IVANHOE TO THE RESCUE.
+
+
+The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of
+Richard of the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his
+relatives, his nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and
+set forth clearly in the Historic Page: hence, although nothing,
+except perhaps success, can, in my opinion, excuse disaffection to
+the sovereign, or appearance in armed rebellion against him, the
+loyal reader will make allowance for two of the principal
+personages of this narrative, who will have to appear in the
+present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their lord and
+king.  It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the fault
+of Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly
+punished, as you shall presently hear,) that the monarch
+exasperated his subjects in a variety of ways,--that before he
+murdered his royal nephew, Prince Arthur, there was a great
+question whether he was the rightful king of England at all,--that
+his behavior as an uncle, and a family man, was likely to wound the
+feelings of any lady and mother,--finally, that there were
+palliations for the conduct of Rowena and Ivanhoe, which it now
+becomes our duty to relate.
+
+When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was
+one of the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court
+at once, and retired to her castle of Rotherwood.  Expressions made
+use of by her, and derogatory to the character of the sovereign,
+were carried to the monarch's ears, by some of those parasites,
+doubtless, by whom it is the curse of kings to be attended; and
+John swore, by St. Peter's teeth, that he would be revenged upon
+the haughty Saxon lady,--a kind of oath which, though he did not
+trouble himself about all other oaths, he was never known to break.
+It was not for some years after he had registered this vow, that he
+was enabled to keep it.
+
+Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his
+horrid designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir
+Wilfrid would have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe
+was, as we need scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the
+custom and duty of all gentlemen of that profession to be present
+on all occasions of historic interest, to be engaged in all
+conspiracies, royal interviews, and remarkable occurrences: and
+hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have rescued the young Prince,
+had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of Rouen, where the foul
+tragedy occurred.  But he was a couple of hundred leagues off, at
+Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his bed as
+crazy as a Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue
+(which he had caught up during a previous illness in which he was
+tended by a maiden of that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben
+Isaacs, of whom, being a married man, he never would have thought,
+had he been in his sound senses.  During this delirium, what were
+politics to him, or he to politics?  King John or King Arthur was
+entirely indifferent to a man who announced to his nurse-tenders,
+the good hermits of Chalus before mentioned, that he was the
+Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry Rebecca the Queen of Sheba.
+In a word, he only heard of what had occurred when he reached
+England, and his senses were restored to him.  Whether was he
+happier, sound of brain and entirely miserable, (as any man would
+be who found so admirable a wife as Rowena married again,) or
+perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful Rebecca?  I don't
+know which he liked best.
+
+Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so
+thorough a detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be
+brought to take service under him; to get himself presented at St.
+James's, or in any way to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence,
+the authority of the sanguinary successor of his beloved King
+Richard.  It was Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, I need scarcely say, who
+got the Barons of England to league together and extort from the
+king that famous instrument and palladium of our liberties at
+present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury--
+the Magna Charta.  His name does not naturally appear in the list
+of Barons, because he was only a knight, and a knight in disguise
+too: nor does Athelstane's signature figure on that document.
+Athelstane, in the first place, could not write; nor did he care a
+pennypiece about politics, so long as he could drink his wine at
+home undisturbed, and have his hunting and shooting in quiet.
+
+It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of
+every gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic
+Page that this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into
+open rebellion, along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen.
+It is recorded of the King, that he forbade every man to hunt his
+own deer; and, in order to secure an obedience to his orders, this
+Herod of a monarch wanted to secure the eldest sons of all the
+nobility and gentry, as hostages for the good behavior of their
+parents.
+
+Athelstane was anxious about his game--Rowena was anxious about her
+son.  The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all
+Norman tyrants--the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the
+ruffian who had murdered his own nephew?*  The speeches of both
+were brought to the King at York; and, furious, he ordered an
+instant attack upon Rotherwood, and that the lord and lady of that
+castle should be brought before him dead or alive.
+
+
+*See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and Pinnock's
+Catechism.
+
+
+Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to
+defend the castle against the royal party?  A few thrusts from his
+lance would have spitted the leading warriors of the King's host: a
+few cuts from his sword would have put John's forces to rout.  But
+the lance and sword of Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion.  "No, be
+hanged to me!" said the knight, bitterly, "THIS is a quarrel in
+which I can't interfere.  Common politeness forbids.  Let yonder
+ale-swilling Athelstane defend his--ha, ha--WIFE; and my Lady
+Rowena guard her--ha, ha, ha--SON."  And he laughed wildly and
+madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked and gurgled out
+the words "wife" and "son" would have made you shudder to hear.
+
+When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege,
+Athelstane had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for
+good, and not to come to life again as he had done before,) and
+that the widow (if so the innocent bigamist may be called) was
+conducting the defence of Rotherwood herself with the greatest
+intrepidity, showing herself upon the walls with her little son,
+(who bellowed like a bull, and did not like the fighting at all,)
+pointing the guns and encouraging the garrison in every way--better
+feelings returned to the bosom of the Knight of Ivanhoe, and
+summoning his men, he armed himself quickly and determined to go
+forth to the rescue.
+
+He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the
+direction of Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for
+refreshment, indeed, that his men dropped one by one upon the road,
+and he arrived alone at the lodge-gate of the park.  The windows
+were smashed; the door stove in; the lodge, a neat little Swiss
+cottage, with a garden where the pinafores of Mrs. Gurth's children
+might have been seen hanging on the gooseberry-bushes in more
+peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap of smoking ruins: cottage,
+bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled together, destroyed by the
+licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch!  Far be it from me to
+excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to their
+sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared.
+
+Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and
+expiring at the flaming and violated threshold of his lately
+picturesque home.  A catapult and a couple of mangonels had done
+his business.  The faithful fellow, recognizing his master, who had
+put up his visor and forgotten his wig and spectacles in the
+agitation of the moment, exclaimed, "Sir Wilfrid! my dear master--
+praised be St. Waltheof--there may be yet time--my beloved mistr--
+master Athelst . . ."  He sank back, and never spoke again.
+
+Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue.
+The castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the
+besiegers were pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane's banner,
+the bull rampant, was still on the northern bartizan.  "An Ivanhoe,
+an Ivanhoe!" he bellowed out, with a shout that overcame all the
+din of battle: "Nostre Dame a la rescousse!"  And to hurl his lance
+through the midriff of Reginald de Bracy, who was commanding the
+assault--who fell howling with anguish--to wave his battle-axe over
+his own head, and cut off those of thirteen men-at-arms, was the
+work of an instant.  "An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!" he still shouted,
+and down went a man as sure as he said "hoe!"
+
+"Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!" a shrill voice cried from the top of the
+northern bartizan.  Ivanhoe knew it.
+
+"Rowena my love, I come!" he roared on his part.  "Villains! touch
+but a hair of her head, and I . . ."
+
+Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang
+forward wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and
+over upon the knight.  All was dark before him; his brain reeled;
+it whizzed; something came crashing down on his forehead.  St.
+Waltheof and all the saints of the Saxon calendar protect the
+knight! . . .
+
+When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances
+were leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit's elixir.  "We
+arrived here the day after the battle," said the fool; "marry, I
+have a knack of that."
+
+"Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with
+your worship," said the lieutenant.
+
+"The day--after--the bat--" groaned Ivanhoe.  "Where is the Lady
+Rowena?"
+
+"The castle has been taken and sacked," the lieutenant said, and
+pointed to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of
+smoking ruins.  Not a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not
+a single human being!  Everything was flame and ruin, smash and
+murther!
+
+Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven
+men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had
+applied a second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he
+came to life again.  The good knight was, however, from long
+practice, so accustomed to the severest wounds, that he bore them
+far more easily than common folk, and thus was enabled to reach
+York upon a litter, which his men constructed for him, with
+tolerable ease.
+
+Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel
+where he stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at
+Rotherwood.  A minute or two after his horse was stabbed, and
+Ivanhoe knocked down, the western bartizan was taken by the
+storming-party which invested it, and every soul slain, except
+Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon horses and carried away,
+under a secure guard, to one of the King's castles--nobody knew
+whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the hotel-keeper (whose
+house he had used in former times) to reassume his wig and
+spectacles, and not call himself by his own name any more, lest
+some of the King's people should lay hands on him.  However, as he
+had killed everybody round about him, there was but little danger
+of his discovery; and the Knight of the Spectacles, as he was
+called, went about York quite unmolested, and at liberty to attend
+to his own affairs.
+
+We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero's
+existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection,
+and the description of mere sentiment is considered by many well-
+informed persons to be tedious.  What WERE his sentiments now, it
+may be asked, under the peculiar position in which he found
+himself?  He had done his duty by Rowena, certainly: no man could
+say otherwise.  But as for being in love with her any more, after
+what had occurred, that was a different question.  Well, come what
+would, he was determined still to continue doing his duty by her;--
+but as she was whisked away the deuce knew whither, how could he do
+anything?  So he resigned himself to the fact that she was thus
+whisked away.
+
+He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to
+find out where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of
+intelligence; and it was remarked, that he still remained in a
+perfect state of resignation.  He remained in this condition for a
+year, or more; and it was said that he was becoming more cheerful,
+and he certainly was growing rather fat.  The Knight of the
+Spectacles was voted an agreeable man in a grave way; and gave some
+very elegant, though quiet, parties, and was received in the best
+society of York.
+
+It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived,
+and the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney,
+whom we have mentioned as Sir Wilfrid's man of business, and a most
+respectable man, called upon his gallant client at his lodgings,
+and said he had a communication of importance to make.  Having to
+communicate with a client of rank, who was condemned to be hanged
+for forgery, Sir Roger de Backbite, the attorney said, he had been
+to visit that party in the condemned cell; and on the way through
+the yard, and through the bars of another cell, had seen and
+recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe--and the
+lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a note, written on a
+piece of whity-brown paper.
+
+What were Ivanhoe's sensations when he recognized the handwriting
+of Rowena!--he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as
+follows:--
+
+
+"MY DEAREST IVANHOE,--For I am thine now as erst, and my first love
+was ever--ever dear to me.  Have I been near thee dying for a whole
+year, and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena?  Have ye
+given to others--I mention not their name nor their odious creed--
+the heart that ought to be mine?  I send thee my forgiveness from
+my dying pallet of straw.--I forgive thee the insults I have
+received, the cold and hunger I have endured, the failing health of
+my boy, the bitterness of my prison, thy infatuation about that
+Jewess, which made our married life miserable, and which caused
+thee, I am sure, to go abroad to look after her.  I forgive thee
+all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee farewell.  Mr. Smith hath
+gained over my gaoler--he will tell thee how I may see thee.  Come
+and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt care for my
+boy--HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent) combating
+by the side of	                                     ROWENA."
+
+
+The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe
+was likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he
+inquired of Mr. Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that
+gentleman had devised for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was
+informed that he was to get a barrister's gown and wig, when the
+gaoler would introduce him into the interior of the prison.  These
+decorations, knowing several gentlemen of the Northern Circuit, Sir
+Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with feelings of no small
+trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space of a year, poor
+Rowena had been immured.
+
+If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical
+exactness of this narrative, I refer him to the "Biographie
+Universelle" (article Jean sans Terre), which says, "La femme d'un
+baron auquel on vint demander son fils, repondit, 'Le roi pense-t-
+il que je confierai mon fils a un homme qui a egorge son neveu de
+sa propre main?'  Jean fit enlever la mere et l'enfant, et la
+laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les cachots."
+
+I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing
+this disagreeable sentence.  All her virtues, her resolution, her
+chaste energy and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and,
+for the first time since the commencement of the history, I feel
+that I am partially reconciled to her.  The weary year passes--she
+grows weaker and more languid, thinner and thinner!  At length
+Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a barrister of the Northern Circuit, is
+introduced to her cell, and finds his lady in the last stage of
+exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon, with her little boy in her
+arms.  She has preserved his life at the expense of her own, giving
+him the whole of the pittance which her gaolers allowed her, and
+perishing herself of inanition.
+
+There is a scene!  I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with
+this lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing
+her with so sublime a death-bed.  Fancy Ivanhoe's entrance--their
+recognition--the faint blush upon her worn features--the pathetic
+way in which she gives little Cedric in charge to him, and his
+promises of protection.
+
+"Wilfrid, my early loved," slowly gasped she, removing her gray
+hair from her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as
+he nestled on Ivanhoe's knee--"promise me, by St. Waltheof of
+Templestowe--promise me one boon!"
+
+"I do," said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that
+little innocent the promise was intended to apply.
+
+"By St. Waltheof?"
+
+"By St. Waltheof!"
+
+"Promise me, then," gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, "that you
+never will marry a Jewess?"
+
+"By St. Waltheof," cried Ivanhoe, "this is too much, Rowena!"--But
+he felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the
+pale lips ceased to quiver--she was no more!
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+IVANHOE THE WIDOWER.
+
+
+Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in
+Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe
+quitted a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in
+which his stay was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that
+King John would hang him, if ever he could lay hands on the
+faithful follower of King Richard and Prince Arthur.
+
+But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a
+brave and pious knight.  A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched
+field against the Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned
+infidel, or a road to Paradise carved out by his scimitar,--these
+were the height of the ambition of good and religious warriors; and
+so renowned a champion as Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was sure to be
+well received wherever blows were stricken for the cause of
+Christendom.  Even among the dark Templars, he who had twice
+overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a respected
+though not a welcome guest: but among the opposition company of the
+Knights of St. John, he was admired and courted beyond measure; and
+always affectioning that Order, which offered him, indeed, its
+first rank and commanderies, he did much good service; fighting in
+their ranks for the glory of heaven and St. Waltheof, and slaying
+many thousands of the heathen in Prussia, Poland, and those savage
+Northern countries.  The only fault that the great and gallant,
+though severe and ascetic Folko of Heydenbraten, the chief of the
+Order of St. John, found with the melancholy warrior, whose lance
+did such good service to the cause, was, that he did not persecute
+the Jews as so religious a knight should.  He let off sundry
+captives of that persuasion whom he had taken with his sword and
+his spear, saved others from torture, and actually ransomed the two
+last grinders of a venerable rabbi (that Roger de Cartright, an
+English knight of the Order, was about to extort from the elderly
+Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal ring, which were all
+the property he possessed.  Whenever he so ransomed or benefited
+one of this religion, he would moreover give them a little token or
+a message (were the good knight out of money), saying, "Take this
+token, and remember this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited,
+for the services whilome rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter
+of Isaac of York!"  So among themselves, and in their meetings and
+synagogues, and in their restless travels from land to land, when
+they of Jewry cursed and reviled all Christians, as such abominable
+heathens will, they nevertheless excepted the name of the Desdichado,
+or the doubly-disinherited as he now was, the Desdichado-Doblado.
+
+The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir
+Wilfrid took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping
+off one heathen's head with an axe must be very like the
+decapitation of any other unbeliever.  Suffice it to say, that
+wherever this kind of work was to be done, and Sir Wilfrid was in
+the way, he was the man to perform it.  It would astonish you were
+you to see the account that Wamba kept of his master's achievements,
+and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians, slain or maimed by his
+hand.  And as, in those days, a reputation for valor had an immense
+effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even the ugliest man, were
+he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by Beauty: so
+Ivanhoe, who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming rather
+elderly, made conquests over female breasts as well as over
+Saracens, and had more than one direct offer of marriage made to him
+by princesses, countesses, and noble ladies possessing both charms
+and money, which they were anxious to place at the disposal of a
+champion so renowned.  It is related that the Duchess Regent of
+Kartoffelberg offered him her hand, and the ducal crown of
+Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued from the unbelieving Prussians;
+but Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess's offer, by riding away from her
+capital secretly at midnight and hiding himself in a convent of
+Knights Hospitallers on the borders of Poland.  And it is a fact
+that the Princess Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most lovely
+woman of her time, became so frantically attached to him, that she
+followed him on a campaign, and was discovered with his baggage
+disguised as a horse-boy.  But no princess, no beauty, no female
+blandishments had any charms for Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more
+austere celibacy.  The severity of his morals contrasted so
+remarkably with the lax and dissolute manner of the young lords and
+nobles in the courts which he frequented, that these young
+springalds would sometimes sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but
+his courage in the day of battle was so terrible and admirable, that
+I promise you the youthful libertines did not sneer THEN; and the
+most reckless of them often turned pale when they couched their
+lances to follow Ivanhoe.  Holy Waltheof! it was an awful sight to
+see him with his pale calm face, his shield upon his breast, his
+heavy lance before him, charging a squadron of heathen Bohemians, or
+a regiment of Cossacks!  Wherever he saw the enemy, Ivanhoe
+assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him, and said if he
+attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army, he would be
+slain, "And suppose I be?" he answered, giving them to understand
+that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over altogether.
+
+
+While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was
+carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen
+the good cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians
+had met with such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors
+as had never been known in the proudest day of Saladin.
+
+Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is
+known all over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle
+of Alarcos, gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz,
+on which fatal day Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it
+was feared the Spanish peninsula would be entirely wrested away
+from the dominion of the Cross.  On that day the Franks lost
+150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners.  A man-slave sold among the
+unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for the same; a sword, half a
+dirhem; a horse, five dirhems.  Hundreds of thousands of these
+various sorts of booty were in the possession of the triumphant
+followers of Yakoobal-Mansoor.  Curses on his head!  But he was a
+brave warrior, and the Christians before him seemed to forget that
+they were the descendants of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the
+Moorish hounds (in their jargon) denominated the famous Campeador.
+
+A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain--a crusade
+against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout
+Europe by all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands
+of valorous knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets
+and vassals of the lower sort, trooped from all sides to the
+rescue.  The Straits of Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor,
+passing from Barbary, first planted his accursed foot on the
+Christian soil, were crowded with the galleys of the Templars and
+the Knights of St. John, who flung succors into the menaced
+kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed with their ships
+hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and Byzantium,
+from Jaffa and Ascalon.  The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons and
+glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into
+Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia,
+where Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the
+news of the defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians,
+Ivanhoe landed at Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors
+forthwith.
+
+He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of
+Heydenbraten, the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the
+venerable Baldomero de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned
+order of Saint Jago.  The chief of Saint Jago's knights paid the
+greatest respect to a warrior whose fame was already so widely
+known in Christendom; and Ivanhoe had the pleasure of being
+appointed to all the posts of danger and forlorn hopes that could
+be devised in his honor.  He would be called up twice or thrice in
+a night to fight the Moors: he led ambushes, scaled breaches, was
+blown up by mines; was wounded many hundred times (recovering,
+thanks to the elixir, of which Wamba always carried a supply); he
+was the terror of the Saracens, and the admiration and wonder of
+the Christians.
+
+To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day's battle
+was like that of another.  I am not writing in ten volumes like
+Monsieur Alexandre Dumas, or even in three like other great
+authors.  We have no room for the recounting of Sir Wilfrid's deeds
+of valor.  Whenever he took a Moorish town, it was remarked, that
+he went anxiously into the Jewish quarter, and inquired amongst the
+Hebrews, who were in great numbers in Spain, for Rebecca, the
+daughter of Isaac.  Many Jews, according to his wont, he ransomed,
+and created so much scandal by this proceeding, and by the manifest
+favor which he showed to the people of that nation, that the Master
+of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and it is probable he would
+have been cast into the Inquisition and roasted, but that his
+prodigious valor and success against the Moors counterbalanced his
+heretical partiality for the children of Jacob.
+
+It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona
+in Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and
+slaying, with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and
+several hundred more of its unbelieving defenders.  He had very
+nearly done for the Alfaqui, or governor--a veteran warrior with a
+crooked scimitar and a beard as white as snow--but a couple of
+hundred of the Alfaqui's bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe
+and their chief, and the old fellow escaped with his life, leaving
+a handful of his beard in the grasp of the English knight.  The
+strictly military business being done, and such of the garrison as
+did not escape put, as by right, to the sword, the good knight, Sir
+Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part in the proceedings of the
+conquerors of that ill-fated place.  A scene of horrible massacre
+and frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian warriors, hot
+with victory and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be feared,
+as savage in their hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies
+had been.
+
+Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious
+Knight of Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y
+Espelon.  Raging through the vanquished city like a demon, he
+slaughtered indiscriminately all those infidels of both sexes whose
+wealth did not tempt him to a ransom, or whose beauty did not
+reserve them for more frightful calamities than death.  The
+slaughter over, Don Beltran took up his quarters in the Albaycen,
+where the Alfaqui had lived who had so narrowly escaped the sword
+of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure, the slaves, and the
+family of the fugitive chieftain, were left in possession of the
+conqueror of Xixona.  Among the treasures, Don Beltran recognized
+with a savage joy the coat-armors and ornaments of many brave and
+unfortunate companions-in-arms who had fallen in the fatal battle
+of Alarcos.  The sight of those bloody relics added fury to his
+cruel disposition, and served to steel a heart already but little
+disposed to sentiments of mercy.
+
+Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was
+seated in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui,
+lying in his divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains
+playing in the centre, the slaves of the Moor ministering to his
+scarred and rugged Christian conqueror.  Some fanned him with
+peacocks' pinions, some danced before him, some sang Moor's
+melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla, one--it was the only
+daughter of the Moor's old age, the young Zutulbe, a rosebud of
+beauty--sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping for her
+slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were
+blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for
+her father, whose home had been thus made desolate.
+
+He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at
+chess, a favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a
+messenger was announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for
+the ransom of the remaining part of the Alfaqui's family.  A grim
+smile lighted up Don Beltran's features as he bade the black slave
+admit the messenger.  He entered.  By his costume it was at once
+seen that the bearer of the flag of truce was a Jew--the people
+were employed continually then as ambassadors between the two races
+at war in Spain.
+
+"I come," said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid
+start), "from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible
+Don Beltran de Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor's only
+daughter, the child of his old age and the pearl of his affection."
+
+"A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew.  What does the Moorish dog
+bid for her?" asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly.
+
+"The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their
+caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and
+rubies to the amount of 1,000,000 dinars."
+
+"Ho, slaves!" roared Don Beltran, "show the Jew my treasury of
+gold.  How many hundred thousand pieces are there?"  And ten
+enormous chests were produced in which the accountant counted 1,000
+bags of 1,000 dirhems each, and displayed several caskets of jewels
+containing such a treasure of rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and
+jacinths, as made the eyes of the aged ambassador twinkle with
+avarice.
+
+"How many horses are there in my stable?" continued Don Beltran;
+and Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully
+caparisoned; and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for
+as many cavaliers, who followed the banner of this doughty captain.
+
+"I want neither money nor armor," said the ferocious knight; "tell
+this to the Alfaqui, Jew.  And I will keep the child, his daughter,
+to serve the messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my
+scullions."
+
+"Deprive not the old man of his child," here interposed the Knight
+of Ivanhoe; "bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant
+in years."
+
+"She is my captive, Sir Knight," replied the surly Don Beltran; "I
+will do with my own as becomes me."
+
+"Take 200,000 dirhems," cried the Jew; "more!--anything!  The
+Alfaqui will give his life for his child!"
+
+"Come hither, Zutulbe!--come hither, thou Moorish pearl!" yelled
+the ferocious warrior; "come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of
+heathenesse!  Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?"
+
+"There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers
+slew the Christian dogs!" said the proud young girl, looking boldly
+at Don Beltran, who foamed with rage.
+
+"The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in
+our castle of Murcia," Beltran said.
+
+"Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!" cried
+the high-spirited girl.
+
+"By Saint Jago, this is too much!" screamed the infuriated
+nobleman; and the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden
+fell to the ground with Don Beltran's dagger in her side.
+
+"Death is better than dishonor!" cried the child, rolling on the
+blood-stained marble pavement.  "I--I spit upon thee, dog of a
+Christian!" and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back
+and died.
+
+"Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui," howled the Don,
+spurning the beauteous corpse with his foot.  "I would not have
+ransomed her for all the gold in Barbary!"  And shuddering, the old
+Jew left the apartment, which Ivanhoe quitted likewise.
+
+When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew,
+"Isaac of York, dost thou not know me?" and threw back his hood,
+and looked at the old man.
+
+The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand,
+then started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his
+withered hands over his face, said, with a burst of grief, "Sir
+Wilfrid of Ivanhoe!--no, no!--I do not know thee!"
+
+"Holy mother! what has chanced?" said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming
+ghastly pale; "where is thy daughter--where is Rebecca?"
+
+"Away from me!" said the old Jew, tottering.  "Away Rebecca is--
+dead!"
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell
+to the ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly
+distraught with grief.  He took no nourishment and uttered no word.
+For weeks he did not relapse out of his moody silence, and when he
+came partially to himself again, it was to bid his people to horse,
+in a hollow voice, and to make a foray against the Moors.  Day
+after day he issued out against these infidels, and did nought but
+slay and slay.  He took no plunder as other knights did, but left
+that to his followers; he uttered no war-cry, as was the manner of
+chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch that the "silent knight"
+became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada and Andalusia, and
+more fell by his lance than by that of any the most clamorous
+captains of the troops in arms against them.  Thus the tide of
+battle turned, and the Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at
+the great battle of Al Akab, called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the
+Christians retrieved their defeat at Alarcos, and absolutely killed
+half a milllion of Mahometans.  Fifty thousand of these, of course,
+Don Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it was remarked that the
+melancholy warrior seemed somewhat more easy in spirits after that
+famous feat of arms.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE.
+
+
+In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off
+so many of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants
+poured continual reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could
+make no head against the Christian forces, and in fact came into
+battle quite discouraged at the notion of meeting the dreadful
+silent knight.  It was commonly believed amongst them, that the
+famous Malek Ric, Richard of England, the conqueror of Saladin, had
+come to life again, and was battling in the Spanish hosts--that
+this, his second life, was a charmed one, and his body inaccessible
+to blow of scimitar or thrust of spear--that after battle he ate
+the hearts and drank the blood of many young Moors for his supper:
+a thousand wild legends were told of Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the
+Morisco warriors came half vanquished into the field, and fell an
+easy prey to the Spaniards, who cut away among them without mercy.
+And although none of the Spanish historians whom I have consulted
+make mention of Sir Wilfrid as the real author of the numerous
+triumphs which now graced the arms of the good cause, this is not
+in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that has always been
+notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their debts of
+gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes histories
+of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making the
+slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the
+part taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction.  Well, it must be
+confessed, on the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers'
+feats in those campaigns: but this is not the subject at present
+under consideration.
+
+To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers,
+that the monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily
+enabled to besiege the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which
+the Moors had in his dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of
+those infidels under the command of their King Aboo Abdallah
+Mahommed, son of Yakoobal-Mansoor.  The Arabian historian El Makary
+gives a full account of the military precautions taken by Aboo
+Abdallah to defend his city; but as I do not wish to make a parade
+of my learning, or to write a costume novel, I shall pretermit any
+description of the city under its Moorish governors.
+
+Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls
+great store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always
+protected by the Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and
+who were, as we very well know, the chief physicians, the chief
+bankers, the chief statesmen, the chief artists and musicians, the
+chief everything, under the Moorish kings.  Thus it is not
+surprising that the Hebrews, having their money, their liberty,
+their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan domination,
+should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath which
+they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits.
+
+Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite--no
+other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with
+his daughter, soon after Ivanhoe's marriage, in the third volume of
+the first part of this history.  Isaac was respected by his people
+for the money which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable
+good qualities, her beauty, her charities, and her remarkable
+medical skill.
+
+The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that
+though she was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to
+marry her, and install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of
+York would not have objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages
+were not uncommon between the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but
+Rebecca firmly yet respectfully declined the proposals of the
+prince, saying that it was impossible she should unite herself with
+a man of a creed different to her own.
+
+Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this
+chance of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed
+among his people for a very strict character, and there were in his
+family several rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct,
+the old gentleman was silenced by this objection of Rebecca's, and
+the young lady herself applauded by her relatives for her resolute
+behavior.  She took their congratulations in a very frigid manner,
+and said that it was her wish not to marry at all, but to devote
+herself to the practice of medicine altogether, and to helping the
+sick and needy of her people.  Indeed, although she did not go to
+any public meetings, she was as benevolent a creature as the world
+ever saw: the poor blessed her wherever they knew her, and many
+benefited by her who guessed not whence her gentle bounty came.
+
+But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even
+heard, appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of
+both, that all the most desirable bachelors of the people were
+ready to bid for her.  Ambassadors came from all quarters to
+propose for her.  Her own uncle, the venerable Ben Solomons, with a
+beard as long as a cashmere goat's, and a reputation for learning
+and piety which still lives in his nation, quarrelled with his son
+Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of Trebizond, and his son
+Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each putting in a claim for
+their cousin.  Ben Minories came from London and knelt at her feet;
+Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to dazzle her with the
+latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben Jonah brought her
+a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come back and be
+Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague.
+
+Rebecca temporized as best she might.  She thought her uncle was
+too old.  She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel
+with each other, and offend their father by pressing their suit.
+Ben Minories from London, she said, was too young, and Jochanan
+from Paris, she pointed out to Isaac of York, must be a spendthrift,
+or he would not wear those absurd waistcoats.  As for Ben Jonah, she
+said, she could not bear the notion of tobacco and Dutch herrings:
+she wished to stay with her papa, her dear papa.  In fine, she
+invented a thousand excuses for delay, and it was plain that
+marriage was odious to her.  The only man whom she received with
+anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with whom she
+was very familiar.  But Bevis had come to her with a certain token
+that had been given to him by an English knight, who saved him from
+a fagot to which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten was
+about to condemn him.  It was but a ring, with an emerald in it,
+that Bevis knew to be sham, and not worth a groat.  Rebecca knew
+about the value of jewels too; but ah! she valued this one more than
+all the diamonds in Prester John's turban.  She kissed it; she cried
+over it; she wore it in her bosom always and when she knelt down
+at night and morning, she held it between her folded hands on her
+neck. . . .  Young Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than
+the others; the rascal sold to the King of France a handsome ruby,
+the very size of the bit of glass in Rebecca's ring; but he always
+said he would rather have had her than ten thousand pounds: and very
+likely he would, for it was known she would at once have a plum to
+her fortune.
+
+These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great
+family meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered
+to choose a husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts
+pointing out the great kindness which had been shown to her by her
+father, in permitting her to choose for herself.  One aunt was of
+the Solomon faction, another aunt took Simeon's side, a third most
+venerable old lady--the head of the family, and a hundred and
+forty-four years of age--was ready to pronounce a curse upon her,
+and cast her out, unless she married before the month was over.
+All the jewelled heads of all the old ladies in council, all the
+beards of all the family, wagged against her: it must have been an
+awful sight to witness.
+
+At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak.  "Kinsmen!" she said,
+turning pale, "when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I
+told you I would not wed but with one of my own faith."
+
+"She has turned Turk," screamed out the ladies.  "She wants to be a
+princess, and has turned Turk," roared the rabbis.
+
+"Well, well," said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, "let us hear
+what the poor girl has got to say.  Do you want to marry his royal
+highness, Rebecca?  Say the word, yes or no."
+
+Another groan burst from the rabbis--they cried, shrieked,
+chattered, gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the
+women, that she should reign over them a second Esther.
+
+"Silence," cried out Isaac; "let the girl speak.  Speak boldly,
+Rebecca dear, there's a good girl."
+
+Rebecca was as pale as a stone.  She folded her arms on her breast,
+and felt the ring there.  She looked round all the assembly, and
+then at Isaac.  "Father," she said, in a thrilling low steady
+voice, "I am not of your religion--I am not of the Prince Boabdil's
+religion--I--I am of HIS religion."
+
+"His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?" cried Isaac.
+
+Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round
+with dauntless eyes.  "Of his," she said, "who saved my life and
+your honor: of my dear, dear champion's.  I never can be his, but I
+will be no other's.  Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they
+long for.  Take the dross, Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan,
+and divide it among you, and leave me.  I will never be yours, I
+tell you, never.  Do you think, after knowing him and hearing him
+speak,--after watching him wounded on his pillow, and glorious in
+battle" (her eyes melted and kindled again as she spoke these
+words), "I can mate with such as you?  Go.  Leave me to myself.  I
+am none of yours.  I love him--I love him.  Fate divides us--long,
+long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again.  But I
+love and bless him always.  Yes, always.  My prayers are his; my
+faith is his.  Yes, my faith is your faith, Wilfrid--Wilfrid!  I
+have no kindred more,--I am a Christian!"
+
+At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my
+feeble pen would in vain endeavor to depict.  Old Isaac staggered
+back in a fit, and nobody took the least notice of him.  Groans,
+curses, yells of men, shrieks of women, filled the room with such a
+furious jabbering, as might have appalled any heart less stout than
+Rebecca's; but that brave woman was prepared for all; expecting,
+and perhaps hoping, that death would be her instant lot.  There was
+but one creature who pitied her, and that was her cousin and
+father's clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but thirteen, and had
+only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and boo-hooing, as
+she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and maledictions
+of the elder Israelites.  Ben Davids was madly in love with his
+cousin (as boys often are with ladies of twice their age), and he
+had presence of mind suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp
+on the table, which illuminated the angry conclave; then,
+whispering to Rebecca to go up to her own room and lock herself in,
+or they would kill her else, he took her hand and led her out.
+
+From that day she disappeared from among her people.  The poor and
+the wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain.  Had any
+violence been done to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put
+all Isaac's family to death; and besides, her old flame, Prince
+Boabdil, would have also been exceedingly wrathful.  She was not
+killed then, but, so to speak, buried alive, and locked up in
+Isaac's back-kitchen: an apartment into which scarcely any light
+entered, and where she was fed upon scanty portions of the most
+mouldy bread and water.  Little Ben Davids was the only person who
+visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to him about
+Ivanhoe, and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how
+true; and how he slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and
+how he married a lady whom Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him,
+but with whom she prayed he might be happy; and of what color his
+eyes were, and what were the arms on his shield--viz, a tree with
+the word "Desdichado" written underneath, &c. &c. &c.: all which
+talk would not have interested little Davids, had it come from
+anybody else's mouth, but to which he never tired of listening as
+it fell from her sweet lips.
+
+So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don
+Beltran de Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui's daughter of
+Xixona, our dearest Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it
+was in his rage and fury against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that
+cavalier the falsehood which caused the knight so much pain and
+such a prodigious deal of bloodshed to the Moors: and who knows,
+trivial as it may seem, whether it was not that very circumstance
+which caused the destruction in Spain of the Moorish power?
+
+Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that
+Ivanhoe had cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it
+from his employer; and he saved Rebecca's life by communicating the
+intelligence, for the poor thing would have infallibly perished but
+for this good news.  She had now been in prison four years three
+months and twenty-four days, during which time she had partaken of
+nothing but bread and water (except such occasional tit-bits as
+Davids could bring her--and these were few indeed; for old Isaac
+was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had more than a pair of eggs
+for his own and Davids' dinner); and she was languishing away, when
+the news came suddenly to revive her.  Then, though in the darkness
+you could not see her cheeks, they began to bloom again: then her
+heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and she kissed the ring
+on her neck a thousand times a day at least; and her constant
+question was, "Ben Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to besiege
+Valencia?"  She knew he would come: and, indeed, the Christians
+were encamped before the town ere a month was over.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that
+dark scene of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat,
+painted stone-color, that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of
+light flashing out, as though they were preparing a most brilliant,
+gorgeous, and altogether dazzling illumination, with effects never
+before attempted on any stage.  Yes, the fairy in the pretty pink
+tights and spangled muslin is getting into the brilliant revolving
+chariot of the realms of bliss.--Yes, most of the fiddlers and
+trumpeters have gone round from the orchestra to join in the grand
+triumphal procession, where the whole strength of the company is
+already assembled, arrayed in costumes of Moorish and Christian
+chivalry, to celebrate the "Terrible Escalade," the "Rescue of
+Virtuous Innocence"--the "Grand Entry of the Christians into
+Valencia"--"Appearance of the Fairy Day-Star," and "Unexampled
+displays of pyrotechnic festivity."  Do you not, I say, perceive
+that we are come to the end of our history; and, after a quantity
+of rapid and terrific fighting, brilliant change of scenery, and
+songs, appropriate or otherwise, are bringing our hero and heroine
+together?  Who wants a long scene at the last?  Mammas are putting
+the girls' cloaks and boas on; papas have gone out to look for the
+carriage, and left the box-door swinging open, and letting in the
+cold air: if there WERE any stage-conversation, you could not hear
+it, for the scuffling of the people who are leaving the pit.  See,
+the orange-women are preparing to retire.  To-morrow their play-
+bills will be as so much waste-paper--so will some of our
+masterpieces, woe is me: but lo! here we come to Scene the last,
+and Valencia is besieged and captured by the Christians.
+
+
+Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard
+of the Prophet?  Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d'ye-
+call'im, just as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de
+Cuchillay &c.?  Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks
+of the inhabitants who are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and
+by a little boy by the name of Ben Davids, who recognizes the
+knight by his shield, finds Isaac of York egorge on a threshold,
+and clasping a large back-kitchen key?  Who but Ivanhoe--who but
+Wilfrid?  "An Ivanhoe to the rescue," he bellows out; he has heard
+that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing.  And who is
+it that comes out of the house--trembling--panting--with her arms
+out--in a white dress--with her hair down--who is it but dear
+Rebecca?  Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving an
+immense banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with
+a ham, which he happens to have in his pocket. . . .  As for
+Rebecca, now her head is laid upon Ivanhoe's heart, I shall not ask
+to hear what she is whispering, or describe further that scene of
+meeting; though I declare I am quite affected when I think of it.
+Indeed I have thought of it any time these five-and-twenty years--
+ever since, as a boy at school, I commenced the noble study of
+novels--ever since the day when, lying on sunny slopes of half-
+holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and beautiful shapes of
+knights and ladies were visible to me--ever since I grew to love
+Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet's fancy, and longed to
+see her righted.
+
+That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena's
+promise extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess,
+and a better Christian than Rebecca now was never said her
+catechism.  Married I am sure they were, and adopted little Cedric;
+but I don't think they had any other children, or were subsequently
+very boisterously happy.  Of some sort of happiness melancholy is a
+characteristic, and I think these were a solemn pair, and died
+rather early.
+
+
+
+
+THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
+
+[FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.]
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular
+than those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of
+France was battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal
+claims, merits, bravery, and popularity.  First in the list we
+place--His Royal Highness Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna
+Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son of Louis XVI.  The unhappy Prince,
+when a prisoner with his unfortunate parents in the Temple, was
+enabled to escape from that place of confinement, hidden (for the
+treatment of the ruffians who guarded him had caused the young
+Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the cocked-hat of the
+Representative, Roederer.  It is well known that, in the troublous
+revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a considerable size.
+
+He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined
+there for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping
+thence to England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from
+political hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London.  He
+must not be confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim
+to be children of the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution.
+
+The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known.  In the year
+1843 he held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a
+forgotten district of London, called Belgrave Square.  Many of the
+nobles of France flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions
+of the occupant of the throne; and some of the chiefs of the
+British nobility--among whom may be reckoned the celebrated and
+chivalrous Duke of Jenkins--aided the adventurous young Prince with
+their counsels, their wealth, and their valor.
+
+The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas
+Napoleon--a fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some
+to be a Prince of the House of Gomersal.  He argued justly that, as
+the immediate relatives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to
+compete for the crown which was their right, he, Prince John
+Thomas, being next in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the
+vacant imperial throne.  And in support of his claim, he appealed
+to the fidelity of Frenchmen and the strength of his good sword.
+
+His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious
+wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired
+to wrest from him.  It does not appear that the sagacious monarch
+was esteemed by his subjects, as such a prince should have been
+esteemed.  The light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather
+weary than otherwise of his sway.  They were not in the least
+attached to his amiable family, for whom his Majesty with
+characteristic thrift had endeavored to procure satisfactory
+allowances.  And the leading statesmen of the country, whom his
+Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of entertaining any but
+feelings of loyalty towards his house and person.
+
+It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe
+(now nearly a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns,
+was called upon to defend his crown.
+
+The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and
+twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each--provisioned for a
+considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were,
+upon the palace of the Tuileries.  Thus, should the mob attack it,
+as in August 1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to
+the ground in an hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from
+foreign invasion.  Another defence against the foreigners was the
+state of the roads.  Since the English companies had retired, half
+a mile only of railroad had been completed in France, and thus any
+army accustomed, as those of Europe now are, to move at sixty miles
+an hour, would have been ennuye'd to death before they could have
+marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the Alpine, or the Pyrenean
+frontier upon the capital of France.  The French people, however,
+were indignant at this defect of communication in their territory,
+and said, without the least show of reason, that they would have
+preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions
+of francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should
+have been laid out in a more peaceful manner.  However, behind his
+forts, the King lay secure.
+
+As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the
+strange events of the period, the actions, the passions of
+individuals and parties engaged, we cannot better describe them
+than by referring to contemporary documents, of which there is no
+lack.  It is amusing at the present day to read in the pages of the
+Moniteur and the Journal des Debats the accounts of the strange
+scenes which took place.
+
+The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly.  The Court of the
+Tuileries had been extremely gay.  The three-and-twenty youngest
+Princes of England, sons of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the
+balls by their presence; the Emperor of Russia and family had paid
+their accustomed visit; and the King of the Belgians had, as usual,
+made his visit to his royal father-in-law, under pretence of duty
+and pleasure, but really to demand payment of the Queen of the
+Belgians' dowry, which Louis Philippe of Orleans still resolutely
+declined to pay.  Who would have thought that in the midst of such
+festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of such quiet,
+rebellion?
+
+Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this
+repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to
+the throne of Louis XVI.
+
+But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same
+journal contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious
+import; in which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was
+easy to see the Government alarm.
+
+On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a
+paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so
+absurd did its contents seem.  It ran as follows:--
+
+"ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.!  A letter from Calais tells us that a
+strange personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we
+believe) has been giving himself out to be the son of the
+unfortunate Louis XVI.  This is the twenty-fourth pretender of the
+species who has asserted that his father was the august victim of
+the Temple.  Beyond his pretensions, the poor creature is said to
+be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one or two old women, who
+declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he does not make any
+attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but waits until
+heaven shall conduct him to it.
+
+"If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his
+quarters in the palace of Charenton.
+
+"We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been
+afloat (among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the
+metropolis), that a notorious personage--why should we hesitate to
+mention the name of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?--has entered
+France with culpable intentions, and revolutionary views.  The
+Moniteur of this morning, however, confirms the disgraceful fact.
+A pretender is on our shores; an armed assassin is threatening our
+peaceful liberties; a wandering, homeless cut-throat is robbing on
+our highways; and the punishment of his crime awaits him.  Let no
+considerations of the past defer that just punishment; it is the
+duty of the legislator to provide for THE FUTURE.  Let the full
+powers of the law be brought against him, aided by the stern
+justice of the public force.  Let him be tracked, like a wild
+beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one.  But the sentence
+has, ere this, been certainly executed.  The brigand, we hear, has
+been distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale-
+houses and peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which
+he lurks); and the Police have an easy means of tracking his
+footsteps.
+
+"Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the
+unfortunate young man.  His attempt will only serve to show the
+folly of the pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity,
+admiration, reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which
+we hold our beloved sovereign."
+
+
+"SECOND EDITION!
+
+"CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE.
+
+"A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that
+after a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 'Imperial Army,' in
+a water-barrel, whither the latter had retreated, victory has
+remained with the former.  A desperate combat ensued in the first
+place, in a hay-loft, whence the pretender was ejected with immense
+loss.  He is now a prisoner--and we dread to think what his fate
+may be!  It will warn future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson
+which it is not likely to forget.  Above all, it will set beyond a
+doubt the regard, respect, admiration, reverence, and adoration
+which we all feel for our sovereign."
+
+
+"THIRD EDITION.
+
+"A second courier has arrived.  The infatuated Crane has made
+common cause with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of
+Frenchmen.  A detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit
+of the pretender and his dupes.  Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer!
+Remember that it is our rights you guard, our homes which you march
+to defend; our laws which are confided to the points of your
+unsullied bayonets;--above all, our dear, dear sovereign, around
+whose throne you rally!
+
+"Our feelings overpower us.  Men of the 520th, remember your
+watchword is Gemappes,--your countersign, Valmy."
+
+
+"The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the
+Tuileries this day.  His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the
+King of the French with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their
+RR. HH. the Princes of Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of
+the Order of the Blue Eagle."
+
+
+"His Majesty passed a review of the Police force.  The venerable
+monarch was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and
+disinterested body of men.  Those cheers were echoed in all French
+hearts.  Long, long may our beloved Prince be among us to receive
+them!"
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III.
+
+
+Sunday, February 30th.
+
+We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a
+third pretender to the throne:--
+
+"Is this distracted country never to have peace?  While on Friday
+we recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of
+France; while on Saturday we were compelled to register the
+culpable attempts of one whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer,
+swindler, forger, burglar, and common pickpocket, to gain over
+the allegiance of Frenchmen--it is to-day our painful duty to
+announce a THIRD invasion--yes, a third invasion.  The wretched,
+superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has landed at Nantz, and
+has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount the white
+cockade.
+
+"Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor?  Do we not repose
+under the majestic shadow of the best of kings?  Is there any name
+prouder than that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of
+our sovereign?  Does not the whole French family adore their
+father?  Yes.  Our lives, our hearts, our blood, our fortune, are
+at his disposal: it was not in vain that we raised, it is not the
+first time we have rallied round, the august throne of July.  The
+unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by this time; and the
+martial court which shall be called upon to judge one infamous
+traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another.  Away
+with both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal
+to his race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the
+other pretender.  Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history,
+and the manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged!
+
+"One word more.  We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the
+descendant of Caroline of Naples.  An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous!
+An English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still
+dancing in our royal halls!  Where, where will the perfidy of
+Albion end?"
+
+
+"The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police.  The
+usual heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked
+younger than ever we saw him--ay, as young as when he faced the
+Austrian cannon at Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes.
+
+"Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were
+distributed to all the men.
+
+"The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three coaches-
+and-four.  They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of
+Honor.  This is significant."
+
+
+"The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the
+departments of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the
+command of the troops.  The Joinville regiment--Cavalerie de la
+Marine--is one of the finest in the service."
+
+
+"Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself
+Duke of Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the
+Pas de Calais."
+
+
+"ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.--At the review of troops (Police)
+yesterday, his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling
+him by the ear, said, 'Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of
+wine?'  The old hero, smiling archly, answered, 'Sire, a brave man
+can gain a cross any day of battle, but it is hard for him
+sometimes to get a drink of wine.'  We need not say that he had his
+drink, and the generous sovereign sent him the cross and ribbon
+too."
+
+
+On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a
+despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the
+throne.  In spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly
+manifested, as appears from the following remarks of the Debats:--
+
+"The courier from the Rhine department," says the Debats, "brings
+us the following astounding Proclamation:--
+
+"'Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one
+and indivisible.  We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of
+the Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals,
+generals, officers, and soldiers, greeting:
+
+"'Soldiers!
+
+"'From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon
+you.  The sun of Austerlitz has risen once more.  The Guard dies,
+but never surrenders.  My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple,
+never shall droop till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame.
+
+"'Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile.
+I have seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now
+withering, and I have communed with the dead who repose beneath
+them.  They ask where are our children?  Where is France?  Europe
+no longer glitters with the shine of its triumphant bayonets--
+echoes no more with the shouts of its victorious cannon.  Who could
+reply to such a question save with a blush?--And does a blush
+become the cheeks of Frenchmen?
+
+"'No.  Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame.
+Come, as of old, and rally round my eagles!  You have been subject
+to fiddling prudence long enough.  Come, worship now at the shrine
+of Glory!  You have been promised liberty, but you have had none.
+I will endow you with the true, the real freedom.  When your
+ancestors burst over the Alps, were they not free?  Yes; free to
+conquer.  Let us imitate the example of those indomitable myriads;
+and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once more trample over her;
+march in triumph into her prostrate capitals, and bring her kings
+with her treasures at our feet.  This is the liberty worthy of
+Frenchmen.
+
+"'Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you;
+and that England shall rank no more among the nations.  I will have
+a marine that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my
+brave regiments will do the rest.  Henceforth, the traveller in
+that desert island shall ask, "Was it this wretched corner of the
+world that for a thousand years defied Frenchmen?"
+
+"'Frenchmen, up and rally!--I have flung my banner to the breezes;
+'tis surrounded by the faithful and the brave.  Up, and let our
+motto be, LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL OVER THE WORLD!
+
+"'NAPOLEON III.
+
+"'The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.'
+
+
+"Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and
+bloody adventurer holds out to our country.  'War all over the
+world,' is the cry of the savage demon; and the fiends who have
+rallied round him echo it in concert.  We were not, it appears,
+correct in stating that a corporal's guard had been sufficient to
+seize upon the marauder, when the first fire would have served to
+conclude his miserable life.  But, like a hideous disease, the
+contagion has spread; the remedy must be dreadful.  Woe to those on
+whom it will fall!
+
+"His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has
+hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and
+takes with him his Cavalerie de la Marine.  It is hard to think
+that the blades of those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the
+bosoms of Frenchmen: but so be it: it is those monsters who have
+asked for blood, not we.  It is those ruffians who have begun the
+quarrel, not we.  WE remain calm and hopeful, reposing under the
+protection of the dearest and best of sovereigns.
+
+"The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has
+been seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the
+Prefect of Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a
+doubt, he has been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton.
+So may all incendiary enemies of our Government be overcome!
+
+"His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department
+of the Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in
+the disturbed districts of the Bocage and La Vendee.  The foolish
+young Prince, who has there raised his standard, is followed, we
+hear, by a small number of wretched persons, of whose massacre we
+expect every moment to receive the news.  He too has issued his
+Proclamation, and our readers will smile at its contents:
+
+
+"'WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all
+whom it may concern, greeting:
+
+"'After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the
+banner of the lilies.  Once more the white plume of Henri IV.
+floats in the crest of his little son (petit fils)!  Gallant
+nobles! worthy burgesses! honest commons of my realm, I call upon
+you to rally round the oriflamme of France, and summon the ban
+arriereban of my kingdoms.  To my faithful Bretons I need not
+appeal.  The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for an heirloom!  To
+the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects, their
+father makes one last appeal.  Come to me, my children! your errors
+shall be forgiven.  Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for
+you.  He promised it when, before my departure on this expedition,
+I kissed his inviolable toe!
+
+"'Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms.  The infamous
+universities shall be abolished.  Education shall no longer be
+permitted.  A sacred and wholesome inquisition shall be established.
+My faithful nobles shall pay no more taxes.  All the venerable
+institutions of our country shall be restored as they existed before
+1788.  Convents and monasteries again shall ornament our country,
+the calm nurseries of saints and holy women!  Heresy shall be
+extirpated with paternal severity, and our country shall be free
+once more.
+
+"'His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under
+the command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty's
+youngest son, an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the
+good work.  His Grace the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of
+Tuam, blessed their green banner before they set forth.  Henceforth
+may the lilies and the harp be ever twined together.  Together we
+will make a crusade against the infidels of Albion, and raze their
+heretic domes to the ground.  Let our cry be, Vive la France! down
+with England!  Montjoie St. Denis!
+
+"'BY THE KING.
+
+"'The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE.
+  The Marshal of France. . . POMADOUR DE L'AILE DE PIGEON.
+  The General Commander-in-Chief of the Irish Brigade in the service
+  of his Most Christian Majesty. . . DANIEL, PRINCE OF BALLYBUNION.
+
+'HENRI."'
+
+
+"His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a
+council of Ministers in the afternoon.  Measures were concerted for
+the instant putting down of the disturbances in the departments of
+the Rhine and Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the
+pretenders, they shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of
+the Luxembourg: the apartments are already prepared, and the
+officers at their posts.
+
+"The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the
+diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being
+attacked with illness, which compels them to stay at home."
+
+
+"The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments."
+
+
+"His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the
+Tuileries."
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS.--HISTORICAL REVIEW.
+
+
+We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a
+few comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely
+described in the print from which we have quoted.
+
+It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were
+of a serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two
+pretenders to the crown were considerable.  They had their
+supporters too in Paris--as what party indeed has not? and the
+venerable occupant of the throne was in a state of considerable
+anxiety, and found his declining years by no means so comfortable
+as his virtues and great age might have warranted.
+
+His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate
+reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren,
+now sprung up around him in vast numbers.  The King's grandson, the
+Prince Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen-
+Schloppen, was the father of fourteen children, all handsomely
+endowed with pensions by the State.  His brother, the Count D'Eu,
+was similarly blessed with a multitudinous offspring.  The Duke of
+Nemours had no children; but the Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and
+Montpensier (married to the Princesses Januaria and Februaria, of
+Brazil, and the Princess of the United States of America, erected
+into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor Duff Green I.)
+were the happy fathers of immense families--all liberally
+apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely
+subservient to his Majesty Louis Philippe.
+
+The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the
+first instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his
+Highness Abd-El-Kader.  The Prince of Joinville was adored by the
+nation, on account of his famous victory over the English fleet
+under the command of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the
+"Richard Cobden," of 120 guns, was taken by the "Belle-Poule"
+frigate of 36; on which occasion forty-five other ships of war and
+79 steam-frigates struck their colors to about one-fourth the
+number of the heroic French navy.  The victory was mainly owing to
+the gallantry of the celebrated French horse-marines, who executed
+several brilliant charges under the orders of the intrepid
+Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their ordinary
+modesty, claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of that
+nation were present in the action, impartial history must award the
+palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul.
+
+With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude
+of the admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should
+ensue, and fling them on the world once more.  How could he support
+so numerous a family?  Considerable as his wealth was (for he was
+known to have amassed about a hundred and thirteen billions, which
+were lying in the caves of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite
+insignificant, when divided among his progeny; and, besides, he
+naturally preferred getting from the nation as much as his faithful
+people could possibly afford.
+
+Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied,
+is often more efficacious than the conqueror's sword, the King's
+Ministers were anxious that he should devote a part of his savings
+to the carrying on of the war.  But, with the cautiousness of age,
+the monarch declined this offer; he preferred, he said, throwing
+himself upon his faithful people, who, he was sure, would meet, as
+became them, the coming exigency.  The Chambers met his appeal with
+their usual devotion.  At a solemn convocation of those legislative
+bodies, the King, surrounded by his family, explained the
+circumstances and the danger.  His Majesty, his family, his
+Ministers, and the two Chambers, then burst into tears, according
+to immemorial usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling, swore
+eternal fidelity to the dynasty and to France, and embraced each
+other affectingly all round.
+
+It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred
+Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas
+Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and
+fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,)
+similarly quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of
+Bordeaux.  They were followed, according to their several political
+predilections, by the various Ministers and dignitaries of the
+State.  The only Minister who remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers,
+Prince of Waterloo (he had defeated the English in the very field
+where they had obtained formerly a success, though the victory was
+as usual claimed by the Irish Brigade); but age had ruined the
+health and diminished the immense strength of that gigantic leader,
+and it is said his only reason for remaining in Paris was because a
+fit of the gout kept him in bed.
+
+The capital was entirely tranquil.  The theatres and cafes were
+open as usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm:
+confiding in their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded
+people had nothing to fear.
+
+Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to
+conciliate his people.  He even went among them with his umbrella;
+but they were little touched with that mark of confidence.  He
+shook hands with everybody; he distributed crosses of the Legion of
+Honor in such multitudes, that red ribbon rose two hundred per cent
+in the market (by which his Majesty, who speculated in the article,
+cleared a tolerable sum of money).  But these blandishments and
+honors had little effect upon an apathetic people; and the enemy
+of the Orleans dynasty, the fashionable young nobles of the
+Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves perpetually, for fear (they
+said) that they should be obliged to shake hands with the best of
+kings; while the republicans adopted coats without button-holes,
+lest they should be forced to hang red ribbons in them.  The funds
+did not fluctuate in the least.
+
+The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect.
+The young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places
+of public education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon,
+"Liberty, equality, war all over the world!" flocked to his
+standard in considerable numbers: while the noblesse naturally
+hastened to offer their allegiance to the legitimate descendant of
+Saint Louis.
+
+And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that
+collected round the gallant Prince Henry!  There was not a man in
+his army but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at
+morning and evening parade.  The fantastic and effeminate but brave
+and faithful troops were numbered off into different legions: there
+was the Fleur-d'Orange regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the
+Violet-Pomatum volunteers; the Eau-de-Cologne cavalry--according to
+the different scents which they affected.  Most of the warriors
+wore lace ruffles; all powder and pigtails, as in the real days of
+chivalry.  A band of heavy dragoons under the command of Count
+Alfred de Horsay made themselves conspicuous for their discipline,
+cruelty, and the admirable cut of their coats; and with these
+celebrated horsemen came from England the illustrious Duke of
+Jenkins with his superb footmen.  They were all six feet high.
+They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers: they wore bags,
+their hair slightly powdered, brilliant shoulder-knots, and cocked-
+hats laced with gold.  They wore the tight knee-pantaloon of
+velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British infantry: and
+their legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux, embracing
+with tears their admirable leader on parade, said, "Jenkins, France
+never saw such calves until now."  The weapon of this tremendous
+militia was an immense club or cane, reaching from the sole of the
+foot to the nose, and heavily mounted with gold.  Nothing could
+stand before this terrific weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed
+morions of the French cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly
+crushed beneath them, had they ever met in mortal combat.  Between
+this part of the Prince's forces and the Irish auxiliaries there
+was a deadly animosity.  Alas, there always is such in camps!  The
+sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the children of Erin
+had been subject to their devastating sway.
+
+The uniform of the latter was various--the rich stuff called corps-
+du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower
+habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them
+tail-coats.  The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at
+the elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of
+button, tape, and string.  Their weapons were the caubeen, the
+alpeen, and the doodeen of the country--the latter a short but
+dreadful weapon of offence.  At the demise of the venerable
+Theobald Mathew, the nation had laid aside its habit of temperance,
+and universal intoxication betokened their grief; it became
+afterwards their constant habit.  Thus do men ever return to the
+haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory over us!
+The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an effeminate
+race; they are represented by contemporary historians as being
+passionately fond of FLYING KITES.  Others say they went into
+battle armed with "bills," no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated
+that foreigners could never be got to accept them in lieu of their
+own arms.  The Princes of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by
+the side of their young and royal chieftain, the Prince of
+Ballybunion, fourth son of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald
+Isle.
+
+
+* Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on which
+the French cavalry were mounted?
+
+
+Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the
+republican imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies,
+were marching on the French capital.  The Duke of Brittany, too,
+confined in the lunatic asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a
+protest against his captivity, which caused only derision in the
+capital.  Such was the state of the empire, and such the clouds
+that were gathering round the Sun of Orleans!
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS.
+
+
+It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo
+misfortunes; and now, as then, he met them like a man.  The Prince
+of Joinville was not successful in his campaign against the
+Imperial Pretender: and that bravery which had put the British
+fleet to flight, was found, as might be expected, insufficient
+against the irresistible courage of native Frenchmen.  The Horse
+Marines, not being on their own element, could not act with their
+usual effect.  Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling seas, they
+were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne country.
+
+It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between
+the troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for
+both armies had reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought
+underneath the walls.  For some time nothing could dislodge the
+army of Joinville, entrenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs.
+Ruinart, Moet, and others; but making too free with the fascinating
+liquor, the army at length became entirely drunk: on which the
+Imperialists, rushing into the cellars, had an easy victory over
+them; and, this done, proceeded to intoxicate themselves likewise.
+
+The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was
+compelled with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and
+Prince Napoleon remained master of the field of battle.  It is
+needless to recapitulate the bulletin which he published the day
+after the occasion, so soon as he and his secretaries were in a
+condition to write: eagles, pyramids, rainbows, the sun of
+Austerlitz, &c., figured in the proclamation, in close imitation of
+his illustrious uncle.  But the great benefit of the action was
+this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers of
+Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army,
+and made common cause with them.
+
+"Soldiers!" said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after
+the action, "the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the
+Eagle!  Your colors are not changed.  Ours floated on the walls of
+Moscow--yours on the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious.
+Soldiers of Joinville! we give you welcome, as we would welcome
+your illustrious leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion.  Let
+him join us!  We will march together against that perfidious enemy.
+
+"But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday's
+glorious day!  Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of
+our native Champagne.  Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and,
+before we plunge into dissipation, that we have Rome still to
+conquer!
+
+"Soldiers!  Seltzer-water is good after too much drink.  Wait
+awhile, and your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water
+country.  Frenchmen! it lies BEYOND THE RHINE!"
+
+Deafening shouts of "Vive l'Empereur!" saluted this allusion of the
+Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be
+restored to them.  The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince
+of Joinville likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the
+Prince's cause.  The Journal des Debats did not know which way to
+turn.  In one paragraph it called the Emperor "a sanguinary tyrant,
+murderer, and pickpocket;" in a second it owned he was "a
+magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;" and, after
+proclaiming "the brilliant victory of the Prince of Joinville,"
+presently denominated it a "funeste journee."
+
+The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to
+march on Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and
+requested to be paid for 300,000 bottles of wine.  "Send three
+hundred thousand more to the Tuileries," said the Prince, sternly:
+"our soldiers will be thirsty when they reach Paris."  And taking
+Moet with him as a hostage, and promising Ruinart that he would
+have him shot unless he obeyed, with trumpets playing and eagles
+glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial army marched on their
+triumphant way.
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+THE BATTLE OF TOURS.
+
+
+We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours
+against his advancing cousin, Henry V.  His Royal Highness could
+not march against the enemy with such a force as he would have
+desired to bring against them; for his royal father, wisely
+remembering the vast amount of property he had stowed away under
+the Tuileries, refused to allow a single soldier to quit the forts
+round the capital, which thus was defended by one hundred and
+forty-four thousand guns (eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred
+and thirty-two thousand men:--little enough, when one considers
+that there were but three men to a gun.  To provision this immense
+army, and a population of double the amount within the walls, his
+Majesty caused the country to be scoured for fifty miles round, and
+left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass.  When appealed to by
+the inhabitants of the plundered district, the royal Philip
+replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart bled for them--that
+they were his children--that every cow taken from the meanest
+peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that duty must
+be done, that the interests of the country demanded the sacrifice,
+and that in fact, they might go to the deuce.  This the unfortunate
+creatures certainly did.
+
+The theatres went on as usual within the walls.  The Journal des
+Debats stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the
+Chambers sat--such as remained--and talked immensely about honor,
+dignity, and the glorious revolution of July; and the King, as his
+power was now pretty nigh absolute over them, thought this a good
+opportunity to bring in a bill for doubling his children's
+allowances all round.
+
+Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there
+was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support
+his famished troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to
+ransack the next fifty miles in order to maintain them.  He did so.
+But the troops were not such as they should have been, considering
+the enemy with whom they had to engage.
+
+The fact is, that most of the Duke's army consisted of the National
+Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of "LA PATRIE EN
+DANGER" having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted
+by his Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of
+food-consumers in his beleaguered capital.  It is said even that he
+selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to
+send forth against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers,
+the lawyers, &c.  Their parting with their families was very
+affecting.  They would have been very willing to recall their offer
+of marching, but companies of stern veterans closing round them,
+marched them to the city gates, which were closed upon them; and
+thus perforce they were compelled to move on.  As long as he had a
+bottle of brandy and a couple of sausages in his holsters, the
+General of the National Guard, Odillon Barrot, talked with
+tremendous courage.  Such was the power of his eloquence over the
+troops, that, could he have come up with the enemy while his
+victuals lasted, the issue of the combat might have been very
+different.  But in the course of the first day's march he finished
+both the sausages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent,
+and crest-fallen.
+
+It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver
+Loire, that the armies sat down before each other, and the battle
+was to take place which had such an effect upon the fortunes of
+France.  'Twas a brisk day of March: the practised valor of Nemours
+showed him at once what use to make of the army under his orders,
+and having enfiladed his National Guard battalions, and placed his
+artillery in echelons, he formed his cavalry into hollow squares on
+the right and left of his line, flinging out a cloud of howitzers
+to fall back upon the main column.  His veteran infantry he formed
+behind his National Guard--politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who
+wished to retire under pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that
+the regular troops would bayonet the National Guard if they gave
+way an inch: on which their General, turning very pale, demurely
+went back to his post.  His men were dreadfully discouraged; they
+had slept on the ground all night; they regretted their homes and
+their comfortable nightcaps in the Rue St. Honore: they had luckily
+fallen in with a flock of sheep and a drove of oxen at Tours the
+day before; but what were these, compared to the delicacies of
+Chevet's or three courses at Vefour's?  They mournfully cooked
+their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a most
+wretched night.
+
+The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part
+in better order.  The noble cavalry regiments found a village in
+which they made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins's Foot
+taking possession of the kitchens and garrets of the buildings.
+The Irish Brigade, accustomed to lie abroad, were quartered in some
+potato fields, where they sang Moore's melodies all night.  There
+were, besides the troops regular and irregular, about three
+thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed with scourging-
+whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these reverend
+men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the
+operations of the regular forces.
+
+It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see
+the alacrity with which Jenkins's regiment sprung up at the FIRST
+reveille of the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices
+almost menial for the benefit of their French allies.  The Duke
+himself set the example, and blacked to a nicety the boots of
+Henri.  At half-past ten, after coffee, the brilliant warriors of
+the cavalry were ready; their clarions rung to horse, their banners
+were given to the wind, their shirt-collars were exquisitely
+starched, and the whole air was scented with the odors of their
+pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs.
+
+Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri.  "My
+faithful Duke!" said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot,
+"thou art always at THY POST."  "Here, as in Wellington Street,
+sire," said the hero, blushing.  And the Prince made an appropriate
+speech to his chivalry, in which allusions to the lilies, Saint
+Louis, Bayard and Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not
+spared.  "Ho! standard-bearer!" the Prince concluded, "fling out my
+oriflamme.  Noble gents of France, your King is among you to-day!"
+
+Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking
+whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara,
+"Prince," he said, "the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the
+French history--we will not deprive you of the honor of winning
+this.  You will please to commence the attack with your brigade."
+Bending his head until the green plumes of his beaver mingled with
+the mane of the Shetland pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland
+trotted off with his aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses,
+powerful grays, with which a dealer at Nantz had supplied them on
+their and the Prince's joint bill at three months.
+
+The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in
+their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their
+beloved Prince.  Their toilet was the work of a moment--a single
+shake and it was done.  Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced
+headed by their Generals,--who, turning their steeds into a grass-
+field, wisely determined to fight on foot.  Behind them came the
+line of British foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in
+advance perfectly collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar.  The
+cavalry were on the right and left of the infantry, prepared to act
+in pontoon, in echelon, or in ricochet, as occasion might demand.
+The Prince rode behind, supported by his Staff, who were almost all
+of them bishops, archdeacons, or abbes; and the body of ecclesiastics
+followed, singing to the sound, or rather howl, of serpents and
+trombones, the Latin canticles of the Reverend Franciscus O'Mahony,
+lately canonized under the name of Saint Francis of Cork.
+
+The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in
+presence--the National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade.
+The white belts and fat paunches of the Guard presented a terrific
+appearance; but it might have been remarked by the close observer,
+that their faces were as white as their belts, and the long line of
+their bayonets might be seen to quiver.  General Odillon Barrot,
+with a cockade as large as a pancake, endeavored to make a speech:
+the words honneur, patrie, Francais, champ de bataille might be
+distinguished; but the General was dreadfully flustered, and was
+evidently more at home in the Chamber of Deputies than in the field
+of war.
+
+The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech.
+"Boys," said he, "we've enough talking at the Corn Exchange;
+bating's the word now."  The Green-Islanders replied with a
+tremendous hurroo, which sent terror into the fat bosoms of the
+French.
+
+"Gentlemen of the National Guard," said the Prince, taking off his
+hat and bowing to Odillon Barrot, "will ye be so igsthramely
+obleeging as to fire first."  This he said because it had been said
+at Fontenoy, but chiefly because his own men were only armed with
+shillelaghs, and therefore could not fire.
+
+But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen:
+for though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing
+was the thing of all others they detested--the noise, and the kick
+of the gun, and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to
+them.  "We won't fire," said Odillon Barrot, turning round to
+Colonel Saugrenue and his regiment of the line--which, it may be
+remembered, was formed behind the National Guard.
+
+"Then give them the bayonet," said the Colonel, with a terrific
+oath.  "Charge, corbleu!"
+
+At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was
+heard, the National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and
+with immense velocity, towards the foe.  The fact is, that the line
+regiment behind them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his
+bayonet between the coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops
+bounded forward with an irresistible swiftness.
+
+Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre.
+The Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the
+wind.  The Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon
+Barrot through the body, when he too was borne away in the swift
+rout.  They scattered tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles
+without stopping.  The Princes of Donegal and Connemara were taken
+prisoners; but though they offered to give bills at three months,
+and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their ransom, the offer was
+refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the Duke of Nemours,
+hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had been robbed of
+their ready money by his troops, who had taken them prisoners,
+caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and lent
+them each a sum of money.  How generous are men in success!--the
+Prince of Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National
+Guards, and thought his victory secure.  He despatched a courier to
+Paris with the brief words, "We met the enemy before Tours.  The
+National Guard has done its duty.  The troops of the pretender are
+routed.  Vive le Roi!"  The note, you may be sure, appeared in the
+Journal des Debats, and the editor, who only that morning had
+called Henri V. "a great prince, an august exile," denominated him
+instantly a murderer, slave, thief, cut-throat, pickpocket, and
+burglar.
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS.
+
+
+But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British
+infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade.  Borne on with the hurry
+of the melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with
+running, and forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the
+trifling bayonet-pricks which had impelled them to the charge, the
+conquering National Guardsmen found themselves suddenly in presence
+of Jenkins's Foot.
+
+They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep.
+
+"UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!" were the memorable words of the Duke
+Jenkins, as, waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and
+with a tremendous shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!--
+Down went plume and cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain,
+down went grocer and tailor, under the long staves of the
+indomitable English Footmen.  "A Jenkins! a Jenkins!" roared the
+Duke, planting a blow which broke the aquiline nose of Major Arago,
+the celebrated astronomer.  "St. George for Mayfair!" shouted his
+followers, strewing the plain with carcasses.  Not a man of the
+Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower.
+
+"They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais," said the
+Duke of Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass.  "'Tis a pity
+they will all be cut up in half an hour.  Concombre! take your
+dragoons, and do it!"  "Remember Waterloo, boys!" said Colonel
+Concombre, twirling his moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in
+the sun, and the gallant hussars prepared to attack the Englishmen.
+
+Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the
+havoc of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy's manoeuvre.
+His people were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard,
+and had made a tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell
+out of his pocket, (it was used for signals in his battalion in
+place of fife or bugle,) speedily called his scattered warriors
+together.  "Take the muskets of the Nationals," said he.  They did
+so.  "Form in square, and prepare to receive cavalry!"  By the time
+Concombre's regiment arrived, he found a square of bristling
+bayonets with Britons behind them!
+
+The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body.
+"Halt!" said he to his men.
+
+"Fire!" screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the
+National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off.
+The hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not
+return to the attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at
+hand, prepared to charge upon them.
+
+The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided.  The Millefleur
+regiment broke before Concombre's hussars instantaneously; the Eau-
+de-Rose dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped
+far out of reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne
+lancers fainted to a man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing
+its course, had actually reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp,
+when the clergymen coming up formed gallantly round the oriflamme,
+and the bassoons and serpents braying again, set up such a shout of
+canticles, and anathemas, and excommunications, that the horses of
+Concombre's dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in
+their turn broke and fled.  As soon as they turned, the Vendean
+riflemen fired amongst them and finished them: the gallant
+Concombre fell; the intrepid though diminutive Cornichon, his
+major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la moelle, and the wife
+of the fiery Navet was that day a widow.  Peace to the souls of the
+brave!  In defeat or in victory, where can the soldier find a more
+fitting resting-place than the glorious field of carnage?  Only a
+few disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre's regiment
+reached Tours at night.  They had left it but the day before, a
+thousand disciplined and high-spirited men!
+
+Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands,
+the intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and
+charged the Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD
+STEEL.  The Frenchmen delivered a volley, of which a shot took
+effect in Jenkins's cockade, but did not abide the crossing of the
+weapons.  "A Frenchman dies, but never surrenders," said Saugrenue,
+yielding up his sword, and his whole regiment were stabbed,
+trampled down, or made prisoners.  The blood of the Englishmen rose
+in the hot encounter.  Their curses were horrible; their courage
+tremendous.  "On! on!" hoarsely screamed they; and a second
+regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling,
+grinding encounter.  "A Jenkins, a Jenkins!" still roared the
+heroic Duke: "St. George for Mayfair!"  The Footmen of England
+still yelled their terrific battle-cry, "Hurra, hurra!"  On they
+went; regiment after regiment was annihilated, until, scared at the
+very trample of the advancing warriors, the dismayed troops of
+France screaming fled.  Gathering his last warriors round about
+him, Nemours determined to make a last desperate effort.  'Twas
+vain: the ranks met; the next moment the truncheon of the Prince of
+Orleans was dashed from his hand by the irresistible mace of the
+Duke Jenkins; his horse's shins were broken by the same weapon.
+Screaming with agony the animal fell.  Jenkins's hand was at the
+Duke's collar in a moment, and had he not gasped out, "Je me
+rends!" he would have been throttled in that dreadful grasp!
+
+Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments,
+their baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands
+of the victorious Duke.  He had avenged the honor of Old England;
+and himself presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince
+Henri, who now came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his
+neck and said, "Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint and you."
+It was indeed a glorious victory: but what will not British valor
+attain?
+
+The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris,
+saying, "Sire, all is lost except honor!" was sent off in
+confinement; and in spite of the entreaties of his captor, was
+hardly treated with decent politeness.  The priests and the noble
+regiments who rode back when the affair was over, were for having
+the Prince shot at once, and murmured loudly against "cet Anglais
+brutal" who interposed in behalf of the prisoner.  Henri V. granted
+the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided by the advice of his
+noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the illustrious
+English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him to
+supper that night.
+
+"Well!" said Jenkins, "I and my merry men can sup alone."  And,
+indeed, having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men,
+they had wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable.  The
+prisoners (25,403) were all without difficulty induced to assume
+the white cockade.  Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready
+sewn in their flannel-waistcoats, where they swore they had worn
+them ever since 1830.  This we may believe, and we will; but the
+Prince Henri was too politic or too good-humored in the moment of
+victory, to doubt the sincerity of his new subjects' protestations,
+and received the Colonels and Generals affably at his table.
+
+The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies.
+"Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre," said the Prince, "the
+saints have won for us a great victory--the enemies of our religion
+have been overcome--the lilies are restored to their native soil.
+Yesterday morning at eleven o'clock the army under my command
+engaged that which was led by his SERENE Highness the Duke de
+Nemours.  Our forces were but a third in number when compared with
+those of the enemy.  My faithful chivalry and nobles made the
+strength, however, equal.
+
+"The regiments of Fleur-d'Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne
+covered themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the
+enemy's troops.  Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of
+my ecclesiastical friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round
+my banner, and forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that
+they were of the church militant indeed.
+
+"My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming
+heroism--but why particularize when all did their duty?  How
+remember individual acts when all were heroes?"  The Marshal of
+France, Sucre d'Orgeville, Commander of the Army of H.M. Christian
+Majesty, recommended about three thousand persons for promotion;
+and the indignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be
+imagined when it is stated that they were not even mentioned in the
+despatch!
+
+As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they
+wrote off despatches to their Government, saying, "The Duke of
+Nemours is beaten, and a prisoner!  The Irish Brigade has done it
+all!"  On which his Majesty the King of the Irish, convoking his
+Parliament at the Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in
+which he called Louis Philippe an "old miscreant," and paid the
+highest compliments to his son and his troops.  The King on this
+occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan, Sir Gavan Duffy (whose
+journals had published the news), and was so delighted with the
+valor of his son, that he despatched him his order of the Pig and
+Whistle (1st class), and a munificent present of five hundred
+thousand pounds--in a bill at three months.  All Dublin was
+illuminated; and at a ball at the Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith
+(Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely intoxicated, called out the
+Lord Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they fought in the Phoenix
+Park.  Having shot the Right Reverend Bishop through the body,
+Smithereens apologized.  He was the same practitioner who had
+rendered himself so celebrated in the memorable trial of the King--
+before the Act of Independence.
+
+Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides
+towards Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for
+extraordinary were the events preparing in that capital.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE LEAGUER OF PARIS.
+
+
+By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of
+Henri V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the
+Emperor John Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North.  Skirmishes
+took place between the advanced-guards of the two parties, and much
+slaughter ensued.
+
+"Bon!" thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his
+tower; "they will kill each other.  This is by far the most
+economical way of getting rid of them."  The astute monarch's
+calculations were admirably exposed by a clever remark of the
+Prince of Ballybunion.  "Faix, Harry," says he (with a familiarity
+which the punctilious son of Saint Louis resented), "you and him
+yandther--the Emperor, I mane--are like the Kilkenny cats, dear."
+
+"Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de
+Ballybunion?" asked the Most Christian King haughtily.
+
+Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the
+animals "ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that's what
+you and Imparial Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are,"
+added the jocose and royal boy.
+
+"Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires,"
+answered Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like
+a joke; but there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have
+been well for his Most Christian Majesty had he followed the
+facetious counsels of his Irish ally.
+
+The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the
+garrisons of some of the forts, and expected all would declare for
+him.  However, of the twenty-four forts which we have described,
+eight only--and by the means of Marshal Soult, who had grown
+extremely devout of late years--declared for Henri, and raised the
+white flag: while eight others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon
+before them in the costume of his revered predecessor, at once
+flung open their gates to him, and mounted the tricolor with the
+eagle.  The remaining eight, into which the Princes of the blood of
+Orleans had thrown themselves, remained constant to Louis Philippe.
+Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the Tuileries.  His money
+was there, and he swore he would remain by it.  In vain his sons
+offered to bring him into one of the forts--he would not stir
+without his treasure.  They said they would transport it thither;
+but no, no: the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged
+nose, and winking archly, said "he knew a trick worth two of that,"
+and resolved to abide by his bags.
+
+The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three
+centimes.  The Journal des Debats published three editions of
+different tones of politics: one, the Journal de l'Empire, for
+the Napoleonites; the Journal de la Legitimite another, very
+complimentary to the Legitimate monarch; and finally, the original
+edition, bound heart and soul to the dynasty of July.  The poor
+editor, who had to write all three, complained not a little that
+his salary was not raised: but the truth is, that, by altering the
+names, one article did indifferently for either paper.  The Duke of
+Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was always issuing
+manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians took little
+heed: the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was allowed
+to be very witty at the expense of the three pretenders.
+
+As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the
+respective Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the
+forts, where there was plenty of provision; and, when once there,
+they speedily began to turn out such of the garrison as were
+disagreeable to them, or had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a
+doubtful fidelity.  These poor fellows turned into the road, had no
+choice but starvation; as to getting into Paris, that was
+impossible: a mouse could not have got into the place, so admirably
+were the forts guarded, without having his head taken off by a
+cannon-ball.  Thus the three conflicting parties stood, close to
+each other, hating each other, "willing to wound and yet afraid to
+strike"--the victuals in the forts, from the prodigious increase of
+the garrisons, getting smaller every day.  As for Louis Philippe in
+his palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing that a
+spark from one might set them all blazing away, and that he and his
+money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten minutes, you may
+fancy his situation was not very comfortable.
+
+But his safety lay in his treasure.  Neither the Imperialists nor
+the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and
+fifty billions in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to
+fire upon that considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their
+revered father.  How was this state of things to end?  The Emperor
+sent a note to his Most Christian Majesty (for they always styled
+each other in this manner in their communications), proposing that
+they should turn out and decide the quarrel sword in hand; to which
+proposition Henri would have acceded, but that the priests, his
+ghostly counsellors, threatened to excommunicate him should he do
+so.  Hence this simple way of settling the dispute was impossible.
+
+The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in
+the forts.  Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were
+subject to much petty persecution, to the no small anger of
+Jenkins, their commander.  And it must be confessed that these
+intrepid Footmen were not so amenable to discipline as they might
+have been.  Remembering the usages of merry England, they clubbed
+together, and swore they would have four meals of meat a day, wax-
+candles in the casemates, and their porter.  These demands were
+laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast on Fridays;
+on which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and they would
+have had a FOURTH standard raised before Paris--viz., that of
+England--but the garrison proving too strong for them, they were
+compelled to lay down their sticks; and, in consideration of past
+services, were permitted to leave the forts.  'Twas well for them!
+as you shall hear.
+
+The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the
+fort which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and
+where they made themselves as comfortable as circumstances would
+admit.  The Princes had as much brandy as they liked, and passed
+their time on the ramparts playing at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with
+the halfpenny that one of them somehow had) for vast sums of money,
+for which they gave their notes-of-hand.  The warriors of their
+legion would stand round delighted; and it was, "Musha, Master Dan,
+but that's a good throw!"  "Good luck to you, Misther Pat, and
+throw thirteen this time!" and so forth.  But this sort of inaction
+could not last long.  They had heard of the treasures amassed in
+the palace of the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought of the
+lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country.  They panted
+for war! They formed their plan.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS.
+
+
+On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis
+Philippe was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing
+that what the journal said about "Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the
+Pretender Henri,"--"Chicken-pox raging in the Forts of the Traitor
+Bonaparte,"--might be true, what was his surprise to hear the
+report of a gun; and at the same instant--whiz! came an eighty-
+four-pound ball through the window and took off the head of the
+faithful Monsieur de Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of
+muffins.
+
+"Three francs for the window," said the monarch; "and the muffins
+of course spoiled!" and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly.
+Ah, King Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window-
+pane--more than a plate of muffins--it cost thee a fair kingdom and
+fifty millions of tax-payers.
+
+The shot had been fired from Fort Potato.  "Gracious heavens!" said
+the commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, "What
+has your Highness done?"  "Faix," replied the other, "Donegal and I
+saw a sparrow on the Tuileries, and we thought we'd have a shot at
+it, that's all."  "Hurroo! look out for squalls," here cried the
+intrepid Hibernian; for at this moment one of Paixhans' shells fell
+into the counterscarp of the demilune on which they were standing,
+and sent a ravelin and a couple of embrasures flying about their
+ears.
+
+Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort
+Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly
+replied by its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite
+fort.  On seeing this, Fort Twenty-two) occupied by the Imperialists,
+began pummelling Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and
+in a quarter of an hour the whole of this vast line of fortification
+was in a blaze of flame, flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing,
+bombing, in the most tremendous manner.  The world has never perhaps,
+before or since, heard such an uproar.  Fancy twenty-four thousand
+guns thundering at each other.  Fancy the sky red with the fires of
+hundreds of thousands of blazing, brazen meteors; the air thick with
+impenetrable smoke--the universe almost in a flame! for the noise of
+the cannonading was heard on the peaks of the Andes, and broke three
+windows in the English factory at Canton.  Boom, boom, boom!
+for three days incessantly the gigantic--I may say, Cyclopean
+battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong!  The air was thick with
+cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each other in the heavens,
+and fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into the very forts
+from which they came.  Boom, boom, boom, bong--brrwrrwrrr!
+
+On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke
+permitted it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have
+been heard (if the tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed
+it) giving mysterious signs and countersigns.  "Tom," was the word
+whispered, "Steele" was the sibilated response.  (It is astonishing
+how, in the roar of elements, THE HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!)
+It was the Irish Brigade assembling.  "Now or never, boys!" said
+their leaders; and sticking their doodeens into their mouths, they
+dropped stealthily into the trenches, heedless of the broken glass
+and sword-blades; rose from those trenches; formed in silent order;
+and marched to Paris.  They knew they could arrive there unobserved--
+nobody, indeed, remarked their absence.
+
+The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves
+at their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which
+Arnal performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new
+feuilleton by Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader
+so fascinated to the journal, that they did not care in the least
+for the vacarme without the walls.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+LOUIS XVII.
+
+
+The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the
+inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it
+may be remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined.
+His majesty of demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of
+his pretensions, had not failed to strike with awe and respect his
+four thousand comrades of captivity.  The Emperor of China, the
+Princess of the Moon, Julius Caesar, Saint Genevieve, the patron
+saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome, the Cacique of Mexico, and
+several singular and illustrious personages who happened to be
+confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.; and all agreed
+that now or never was the time to support his legitimate pretensions
+to the Crown of France.  As the cannons roared around them, they
+howled with furious delight in response.  They took counsel
+together: Dr. Pinel and the infamous jailers, who, under the name of
+keepers, held them in horrible captivity, were pounced upon and
+overcome in a twinkling.  The strait-waistcoats were taken off from
+the wretched captives languishing in the dungeons; the guardians
+were invested in these shameful garments, and with triumphant
+laughter plunged under the Douches.  The gates of the prison were
+flung open, and they marched forth in the blackness of the storm!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a
+gun went off fitfully now and then.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, "Tiens! ils
+sont fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!"--and why?  Because there
+was no more powder?--Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder.
+
+There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more
+forts, no more nothing.  THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP.  The
+battle-roar ceased.  The battle-clouds rolled off.  The silver
+moon, the twinkling stars, looked blandly down from the serene
+azure,--and all was peace--stillness--the stillness of death.
+Holy, holy silence!
+
+Yes: the battle of Paris was over.  And where were the combatants?
+All gone--not one left!--And where was Louis Philippe?  The
+venerable Prince was a captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade
+was encamped around it: they had reached the palace a little too
+late; it was already occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis
+XVII.
+
+That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to
+the Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin.  They burst through
+the feeble barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the
+kingly halls of the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on
+the throne of his ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal
+des Debats, of the fifth of November; an important article, which
+proclaimed that the civil war was concluded:--
+
+"The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are
+at an end.  Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which
+agitated the bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of
+Civilization, may now rest in peace.  That monarch whom we have
+long been sighing for; whose image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how
+passionately worshipped, in every French heart, is with us once
+more.  Blessings be on him; blessings--a thousand blessings upon
+the happy country which is at length restored to his beneficent,
+his legitimate, his reasonable sway!
+
+"His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his
+palace of the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies.  His
+Royal Highness the Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as
+Lieutenant-General of the kingdom, and will return speedily to take
+up his abode at the Palais Royal.  It is a great mercy that the
+children of his Royal Highness, who happened to be in the late
+forts round Paris, (before the bombardment which has so happily
+ended in their destruction,) had returned to their father before
+the commencement of the cannonading.  They will continue, as
+heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the
+throne.
+
+"None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch's
+proclamation.
+
+"'Louis, by &c.--
+
+"'My children!  After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of
+captivity, I am restored to you.  The cycle of events predicted by
+the ancient Magi, and the planetary convolutions mentioned in the
+lost Sibylline books, have fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies,
+and ended (as always in the depths of my dungeons I confidently
+expected) in the triumph of the good Angel, and the utter
+discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon.
+
+"'When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced
+their hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by--in my palace of
+Charenton, three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in
+the ring of Saturn--I witnessed your misery.  My heart was affected
+by it, and I said, "Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the
+signs of the Zodiac mere astronomers' prattle?"
+
+"'I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr.
+Pinel.  The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive.  I summoned
+my allies round about me.  The high contracting Powers came to my
+bidding: monarchs from all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the
+Moon and other illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the
+pale imprisoned genii.  I whispered the mystic sign, and the doors
+flew open.  We entered Paris in triumph, by the Charenton bridge.
+Our luggage was not examined at the Octroi.  The bottle-green ones
+were scared at our shouts, and retreated, howling: they knew us,
+and trembled.
+
+"'My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me.  I have a
+friend in Turkey--the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a
+Protestant once--Lord Brougham by name.  I have sent to him to
+legislate for us: he is wise in the law, and astrology, and all
+sciences; he shall aid my Ministers in their councils.  I have
+written to him by the post.  There shall be no more infamous mad-
+houses in France, where poor souls shiver in strait-waistcoats.
+
+"'I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin.  He was in his
+counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned
+me.  He gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to
+use it.  Taught by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I
+a miser.  I will endow the land with noble institutions instead of
+diabolical forts.  I will have no more cannon founded.  They are a
+curse and shall be melted--the iron ones into railroads; the bronze
+ones into statues of beautiful saints, angels, and wise men; the
+copper ones into money, to be distributed among my poor.  I was
+poor once, and I love them.
+
+"'There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no
+more passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more
+physic.
+
+"'My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms.  I will it.  I am
+the king.
+
+(Signed)  'Louis.'"
+
+
+"Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the
+English Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first
+about to sack the city, but on hearing that the banner of the
+lilies was once more raised in France, the Duke hastened to the
+Tuileries, and offered his allegiance to his Majesty.  It was
+accepted: and the Plush Guard has been established in place of the
+Swiss, who waited on former sovereigns."
+
+
+"The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our
+service.  Their commander states that they took every one of the
+forts round Paris, and having blown them up, were proceeding to
+release Louis XVII., when they found that august monarch, happily,
+free.  News of their glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin,
+to his Majesty the King of the Irish.  It will be a new laurel to
+add to his green crown!"
+
+
+And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great
+French Revolution of 1884.  It records the actions of great and
+various characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates
+wonderful reverses of fortune; it affords the moralist scope for
+his philosophy; perhaps it gives amusement to the merely idle
+reader.  Nor must the latter imagine, because there is not a
+precise moral affixed to the story, that its tendency is otherwise
+than good.  He is a poor reader, for whom his author is obliged to
+supply a moral application.  It is well in spelling-books and for
+children; it is needless for the reflecting spirit.  The drama of
+Punch himself is not moral: but that drama has had audiences all
+over the world.  Happy he, who in our dark times can cause a smile!
+Let us laugh then, and gladden in the sunshine, though it be but as
+the ray upon the pool, that flickers only over the cold black
+depths below!
+
+
+
+
+COX'S DIARY.
+
+THE ANNOUNCEMENT.
+
+
+On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in
+the neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a
+business, both in the shaving and cutting line, established three-
+and-thirty years; of a girl and boy respectively of the ages of
+eighteen and thirteen; of a three-windowed front, both to my first
+and second pair; of a young foreman, my present partner, Mr.
+Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated mixture for the human hair,
+invented by my late uncle, and called Cox's Bohemian Balsam of
+Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and three-and-nine.  The
+balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established cutting and shaving
+business brought me in a pretty genteel income.  I had my girl,
+Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge, plaited
+her hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of
+patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was
+my hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one
+another, would one day be joined together in Hyming, and,
+conjointly with my son Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers
+when their father was either dead or a gentleman: for a gentleman
+me and Mrs. C. determined I should be.
+
+Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections:
+though her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low.
+Mr. Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the
+"Pigtail and Sparrow," in the Whitechapel Road; from which place I
+married her; being myself very fond of the article, and especially
+when she served it to me--the dear thing!
+
+Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her,
+I am proud to confess it, without a shilling.  I had my hands, my
+house, and my Bohemian balsam to support her!--and we had hopes
+from her uncle, a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left
+this country sixty years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the
+head of a great house in India, and was worth millions, we were
+told.
+
+Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my
+lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of
+Budgurow and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over
+his shares to his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in
+England, at Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy
+himself.  Soon after, my wife took her daughter in her hand and
+went, as in duty bound, to visit her uncle: but whether it was that
+he was proud and surly, or she somewhat sharp in her way, (the dear
+girl fears nobody, let me have you to know,) a desperate quarrel
+took place between them; and from that day to the day of his death,
+he never set eyes on her.  All that he would condescend to do, was
+to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in the course of the
+year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by us.  All the
+neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, for
+Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the
+connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the
+valet; Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper,
+willingly enough.  I used to powder the footman, too, on great days,
+but never in my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once: when he said
+"Oh, the barber!" tossed up his nose, and passed on.
+
+One day--one famous day last January--all our Market was thrown
+into a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than
+three vehicles at our establishment.  As me, Jemmy, my daughter,
+Tug, and Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner
+(it being Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a
+bottle of port, and was longing that there should be a mistletoe-
+bough: at which proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a
+glass of negus):--we had just, I say, finished the port, when, all
+of a sudden, Tug bellows out, "La, Pa, here's uncle Tuggeridge's
+housekeeper in a cab!"
+
+And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough--Mrs. Breadbasket in deep
+mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the
+back shop.  My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else
+in the world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and
+vowed it was very kind of her to come.  "La, mem," says Mrs. B.,
+"I'm sure I'd do anything to serve your family, for the sake of
+that poor dear Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone."
+
+"That's what?" cries my wife.
+
+"What, gone?" cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little
+girls will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very
+rueful, and ready to cry too.
+
+"Yes, gaw--"  Just as she was at this very "gaw" Tug roars out,
+"La, Pa! here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!"
+
+It was Mr. Bar.  When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped
+suddenly back into the parlor with my ladies.  "What is it, Mr.
+Bar?" says I; and as quick as thought, I had the towel under his
+chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, and the whole of his face in a
+beautiful foam of lather.  Mr. Bar made some resistance.--"Don't
+think of it, Mr. Cox," says he; "don't trouble yourself, sir."  But
+I lathered away and never minded.  "And what's this melancholy
+event, sir," says I, "that has spread desolation in your family's
+bosoms?  I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your loss."
+
+I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not
+because Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him.
+
+Mr. Bar was just about to speak.  "Yes, sir," says he, "my master's
+gaw--" when at the "gaw" in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the
+finest gentleman I ever saw.
+
+"What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!" says he.
+
+"Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?"
+
+"A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making
+my bow.  "A sad circumstance too, sir!  And is it a turn of the
+tongs that you want to-day, sir?  Ho, there, Mr. Crump!"
+
+"Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow:
+"but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how
+some fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave
+them!"  With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr.
+Bar suddenly opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there
+was a tiff between the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel,
+I rammed the Advertiser into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my
+shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's mouth--a capital way to stop angry
+answers.
+
+Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a
+hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a
+black coat with a bag.
+
+"What, you here!" says the gentleman.  I could not help smiling,
+for it seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, "What, YOU
+here!"  "Your name is Cox, sir?" says he; smiling too, as the very
+pattern of mine.  "My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and
+Sharpus, Middle Temple Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir;
+happy,--that is to say, sorry to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of
+Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is heiress, in consequence,
+to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom."
+
+At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my
+hold of Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his
+irons fixed to Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a
+wince out:--Mrs. C., Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back
+shop, and we formed a splendid tableau such as the great Cruikshank
+might have depicted.
+
+"And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?" says I.
+
+"Why--hee, hee, hee!" says Mr. Sharpus.  "Surely you know that he
+was only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!"
+
+You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had
+been so eager to come to us.  One of the house-maids heard Mr.
+Sharpus say there was no will, and that my wife was heir to the
+property, and not Mr. John Tuggeridge: this she told in the
+housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as they heard it, the whole
+party set, in order to be the first to bear the news.
+
+We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife
+would have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just
+hinted, "Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and
+we have not; had we not better keep them for a little?"--Keep them,
+then, we did, to show us how to be gentlefolks.
+
+I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing
+of premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred
+pounds for it; but this I was above: Crump had served me
+faithfully, and have the shop he should.
+
+
+FIRST ROUT.
+
+
+We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house
+without friends?  Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in
+the Market, and I was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old
+acquaintance of ours, Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to
+introduce us into distinguished society.  Tagrag was the son of a
+baronet, and had done us the honor of lodging with us for two
+years; when we lost sight of him, and of his little account, too,
+by the way.  A fortnight after, hearing of our good fortune, he was
+among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a little glad to see
+him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond of our
+Jemimarann.  Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on one
+occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor
+girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always
+fond of her.
+
+Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good
+fortune, though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him
+to come and take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened.
+But to this Jemima very soon put a stop, for she came very justly
+to know her stature, and to look down on Crump, which she bid her
+daughter to do; and, after a great scene, in which Orlando showed
+himself very rude and angry, he was forbidden the house--for ever!
+
+So much for poor Crump.  The Captain was now all in all with us.
+"You see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and
+country mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the
+funds, to leave between our two children; and, with such prospects,
+they ought surely to have the first society of England."  To this
+Tagrag agreed, and promised to bring us acquainted with the very
+pink of the fashion; ay, and what's more, did.
+
+First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on
+Tuesdays and Saturdays.  As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me
+and Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all
+the way, and whose very beards I had shaved.  As for little Tug, he
+was sent straight off to the most fashionable school in the
+kingdom, the Reverend Doctor Pigney's, at Richmond.
+
+Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the
+papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way: double your name and
+stick an "e" to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once),
+had an effect in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to
+get a very pretty society about us.  Some of old Tug's friends
+swore they would do anything for the family, and brought their
+wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. Coxe and her charming girl;
+and when, about the first week in February, we announced a grand
+dinner and ball for the evening of the twenty-eighth, I assure you
+there was no want of company: no, nor of titles neither; and it
+always does my heart good even to hear one mentioned.
+
+Let me see.  There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer,
+and his seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to
+dinner): there was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and
+his Excellency Baron von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche
+Bluenose, the eminent literati, author of "The Distrusted" "The
+Distorted," "The Disgusted," "The Disreputable One," and other
+poems; there was the Dowager Lady Max and her daughter, the
+Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles Codshead, from the
+City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A., K.B., K.C.,
+K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala: my friend
+Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, made
+up the party.  And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in
+black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom
+Mrs. C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were
+seen round the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I
+felt a thrill of elation, and thought to myself--Sam Cox, Sam Cox,
+who ever would have expected to see you here?
+
+After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and
+to this Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the
+principal nobility that our metropolis had produced.  When I
+mention, among the company to tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero,
+her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and the Ladies North Pole her
+daughters; when I say that there were yet OTHERS, whose names may
+be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of modesty, be mentioned
+here, I think I've said enough to show that, in our time, No. 96,
+Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company.
+
+It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer
+Cordongblew.  I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly
+dysol allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and
+other French dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops
+to the bottles, called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-
+Tuggeridge Coxe drank a very good share of it (but the Claret and
+Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish).  However, the
+feed, as I say, went off very well: Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting
+next to me, and being so good as to put me down for six copies of
+all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter engaging Jemimarann
+for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my dear Jemmy
+with Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as red as
+her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and bird-of-
+paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant.
+
+Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:--thunder-under-
+under came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr.
+Wippert's fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven,
+me and the gents thought it high time to make our appearance.  I
+felt a LITTLE squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of
+hundred great people; but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher
+taking each an arm, we reached, at last, the drawing-room.
+
+The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the
+great ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately,
+and working away at the ices and macaroons.  I looked out for my
+pretty Jemimarann amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round
+the room along with Baron Punter, in what they call a gallypard;
+then I peeped into the circle of the Duchesses, where, in course, I
+expected to find Mrs. C.; but she wasn't there!  She was seated at
+the further end of the room, looking very sulky; and I went up and
+took her arm, and brought her down to the place where the Duchesses
+were.  "Oh, not there!" said Jemmy, trying to break away.
+"Nonsense, my dear," says I: "you are missis, and this is your
+place."  Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, "Me and
+my missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you."
+
+The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak.
+
+I went on: "The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see; and so we
+thought we would come and sit down among the old ones.  You and I,
+ma'am, I think, are too stiff to dance."
+
+"Sir!" says her Grace.
+
+"Ma'am," says I, "don't you know me?  My name's Cox.  Nobody's
+introduced me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present
+myself--so give us your hand, ma'am."
+
+And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but--would you
+believe it?--the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot
+'tater.  "Fitzurse! Fitzurse!" shouted she, "help! help!"  Up
+scuffled all the other Dowagers--in rushed the dancers.  "Mamma!
+mamma!" squeaked Lady Julia North Pole.  "Lead me to my mother,"
+howled Lady Aurorer: and both came up and flung themselves into her
+arms.  "Wawt's the raw?" said Lord Fitzurse, sauntering up quite
+stately.
+
+"Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace.  "Where's
+Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak
+to me."
+
+"My dear Duchess," said Tufthunt, very meek.
+
+"Don't Duchess ME, sir.  Did you not promise they should not speak;
+and hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me?  Didn't
+his monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities?  Call
+my people, Tufthunt!  Follow me, my children!"
+
+"And my carriage," "And mine," "And mine!" shouted twenty more
+voices.  And down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche
+Bluenose and Lady Max among the very first; leaving only the
+Field-Marshal and one or two men, who roared with laughter ready
+to split.
+
+"Oh, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, "why would you take me back to
+them? they had sent me away before!  I only asked the Duchess
+whether she didn't like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos
+and Curasosos: and--would you believe it?--all the company burst
+out laughing; and the Duchess told me just to keep off, and not to
+speak till I was spoken to.  Imperence!  I'd like to tear her eyes
+out."
+
+And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would!
+
+
+A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS.
+
+
+Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still
+upon fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down
+to Tuggeridgeville.  If we had a difficulty to find friends in
+town, here there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate
+our dinners and suppers, danced at our balls--ay, and spoke to us
+too.  We were great people in fact: I a regular country gentleman;
+and as such, Jemmy insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join
+the county hunt.  "But," says I, "my love, I can't ride."  "Pooh!
+Mr. C." said she, "you're always making difficulties: you thought
+you couldn't dance a quadrille; you thought you couldn't dine at
+seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't lie in bed after six; and
+haven't you done every one of these things?  You must and you shall
+ride!"  And when my Jemmy said "must and shall," I knew very well
+there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to the hunt,
+and, out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received notice
+that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail Common,
+just outside my lodge-gates.
+
+I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it
+was most probable the dogs were to be fed there.  However, Tagrag
+explained this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a
+horse, a delightful animal of his own; which, being desperately
+pressed for money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he
+himself having given a hundred and fifty for it.
+
+Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs.
+C. turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being
+helped up on my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head
+groom, I came presently round to join them.
+
+Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, "I
+thought," he said, "you told me you knew how to ride; and that you
+had ridden once fifty miles on a stretch!"
+
+"And so I did," says I, "to Cambridge, and on the box too."
+
+"ON THE BOX!" says he; "but did you ever mount a horse before?"
+
+"Never," says I, "but I find it mighty easy."
+
+"Well," says he, "you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you,
+Coxe, for your spirit."  And so we came out of the gate.
+
+As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't.  I've been at a
+hunt, but what a hunt is--why the horses WILL go among the dogs and
+ride them down--why the men cry out "yooooic"--why the dogs go
+snuffing about in threes and fours, and the huntsman says, "Good
+Towler--good Betsy," and we all of us after him say, "Good Towler--
+good Betsy" in course: then, after hearing a yelp here and a howl
+there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow! burst out, all of a sudden, from
+three or four of them, and the chap in a velvet cap screeches out
+(with a number of oaths I shan't repeat here), "Hark, to Ringwood!"
+and then, "There he goes!" says some one; and all of a sudden,
+helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping, screeching and
+hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays, horses, dogs,
+donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard boys, go
+tearing all together over the common after two or three of the pack
+that yowl loudest.  Why all this is, I can't say; but it all took
+place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence.
+
+Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only
+been trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I
+managed to stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began,
+off went Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing
+among the dogs like the donkey among the chickens.  "Back, Mr.
+Coxe," holloas the huntsman; and so I pulled very hard, and cried
+out, Wo!" but he wouldn't; and on I went galloping for the dear
+life.  How I kept on is a wonder; but I squeezed my knees in very
+tight, and shoved my feet very hard into the stirrups, and kept
+stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's neck, and looked betwixt
+his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted to luck: for I was in
+a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man would be in such
+a case, let alone a poor hairdresser.
+
+As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you
+honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails;
+nothing in this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-colored
+mane, and that I gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck,
+safe through the walking, the trotting, the galloping, and never so
+much as getting a tumble.
+
+There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the "Spicy Dustman,"
+who, when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned
+regularly out on his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us.
+He generally managed to keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly
+through the cross-roads, and knowing the country well.  Well,
+having a good guess where the hounds would find, and the line that
+sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would take, the Spicy Dustman
+turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail to Cutshins Common;
+across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt.  There's a small
+hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the leading chaps
+took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate, and so
+would I, only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and
+be hanged to him, and went right for it.
+
+Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap!  Out go your legs, out fling your
+arms, off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel--that is, I
+did--is a most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet
+jerked out of the stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree;
+Trumpeter gone clean from under me, and walloping and floundering
+in the ditch underneath.  One of the stirrup-leathers had caught in
+a stake, and the horse couldn't get away: and neither of us, I
+thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of a sudden, who should
+come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman!
+
+"Holloa!" says I, "you gent, just let us down from this here tree!"
+
+"Lor'!" says he, "I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin."
+
+"Let's down," says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging
+Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as
+possible.  "Let's down," says I.  "Presently," says he; and taking
+off his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's
+sides and saddle; and when he had finished, what do you think the
+rascal did?--he just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts
+out, "Git down yourself, old Bearsgrease; you've only to drop!  I'LL
+give your 'oss a hairing arter them 'ounds; and you--vy, you may
+ride back my pony to Tuggeridgeweal!"  And with this, I'm blest if
+he didn't ride away, leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and
+expecting every minute the branch would break.
+
+It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got
+out of it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or
+the Apollor Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my
+shop window when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so
+elegant as our rose-oil.  Faugh! what a figure I was!
+
+I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was
+very quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home;
+and after a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate.
+
+A whole party was assembled there.  Tagrag, who had come back;
+their Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a
+number of horses walking up and down before the whole of the
+gentlemen of the hunt, who had come in after losing their fox!
+"Here's Squire Coxe!" shouted the grooms.  Out rushed the servants,
+out poured the gents of the hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging
+into the donkey, and everybody dying with laughter at me.
+
+Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed
+me; a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very
+gravely, to help me down.
+
+"Squire," says he, "how came you by that there hanimal?  Jist git
+down, will you, and give it to its howner?"
+
+"Rascal!" says I, "didn't you ride off on my horse?"
+
+"Was there ever sich ingratitude?" says the Spicy.  "I found this
+year 'oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back
+to his master, and he calls me a rascal!"
+
+The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants,
+all set up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly
+ashamed, as not to be able to laugh just then.
+
+And so my first day's hunting ended.  Tagrag and the rest declared
+I showed great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but "No," says I,
+"I HAVE been."
+
+
+THE FINISHING TOUCH.
+
+
+I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram's
+in Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to
+meet twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was
+generally voted the first man of the club; and could take five from
+John the marker himself.  I had a genius, in fact, for the game;
+and now that I was placed in that station of life where I could
+cultivate my talents, I gave them full play, and improved amazingly.
+I do say that I think myself as good a hand as any chap in England.
+
+The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you,
+astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three
+rubbers Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to
+knock him all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four:
+and such was the betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums
+to the Count, who knew what play was, and used to back me.  I did
+not play except for shillings, so my skill was of no great service
+to me.
+
+One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen
+were high in words.  "The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain
+Tagrag say: "I won't stand it."
+
+"Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?" said
+the Baron.
+
+"You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the Count:
+"ve vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill."
+
+"What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, "about birds and
+feathers?"
+
+"Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about--about--pigeon-shooting;
+the Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty
+yards, and I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular
+murder."
+
+"Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron: "and I know
+no better sbort.  Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire?
+De fon is gabidal."
+
+"No doubt," says I, "for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the
+PIGEON."  And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die.  I
+didn't know then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave
+Master Baron, that day, a precious good beating, and walked off
+with no less than fifteen shillings of his money.
+
+As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took
+in the Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that
+celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed
+for me, Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and
+widgeon--and the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of
+cultivating the kidney species of that vegetable--made no small
+noise at the time, and got me in the paper a compliment from the
+editor).  I was a constant reader of the Notices to Correspondents,
+and, my early education having been rayther neglected (for I was
+taken from my studies and set, as is the custom in our trade, to
+practise on a sheep's head at the tender age of nine years, before
+I was allowed to venture on the humane countenance,)--I say, being
+thus curtailed and cut off in my classical learning, I must confess
+I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of genteel information
+from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at least sufficient
+to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen and gentlemen
+who came to our house.  Well, on looking over the Flare-up notices
+to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the notices,
+as follows:--
+
+"'Automodon.'  We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of
+Covent Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of
+Thespis is a married man.
+
+"'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to
+B's second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his
+Queen's pawn, gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no
+reason why B's Queen should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined.
+
+"'F. L. S.'  We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame
+Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of
+Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian.
+
+"'Fair Play.'  The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in
+England, is Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and
+Tuggeridgeville: Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him
+two in a game of a hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his
+superior.  Verbum sap.
+
+"'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead."
+
+I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered
+how the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such
+information; and both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued
+himself absurdly on his play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me
+preferred thus to himself.  We read him the paragraph, and
+preciously angry he was.  "Id is," he cried, "the tables" (or "de
+DABELS," as he called them),--"de horrid dabels; gom viz me to
+London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you."  We all roared
+at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy the
+fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any
+tables he chose.
+
+"Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de
+Quadrant; his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill."  And
+I said I would: and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when
+Jemmy was at the Opera, we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give
+him a chance.
+
+We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw:
+lots of Champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of
+laughing and fun.  Afterwards, down we went to billiards.  "Is dish
+Misther Coxsh, de shelebrated player?" says Mr. Abednego, who was
+in the room, with one or two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and
+several foreign noblemen, dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them
+foreigners are.  "Is dish Misther Coxsh? blesh my hart, it is a
+honor to see you; I have heard so much of your play."
+
+"Come, come," says I, "sir"--for I'm pretty wide awake--"none of
+your gammon; you're not going to book ME."
+
+"No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace.
+
+"Dat is gut!--haw! haw!" snorted the Baron.  "Hook him!  Lieber
+Himmel, you might dry and hook me as well.  Haw! haw!"
+
+Well, we went to play.  "Five to four on Coxe," screams out the
+Count.--"Done and done," says another nobleman.  "Ponays," says the
+Count.--"Done," says the nobleman.  "I vill take your six crowns to
+four," says the Baron.--"Done," says I.  And, in the twinkling of
+an eye, I beat him once making thirteen off the balls without
+stopping.
+
+We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the
+long faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils
+and wrote I.O.U.'s for the Count!  "Va toujours, mon cher," says he
+to me, "you have von for me three hundred pounds."
+
+"I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron.  "Zeven to four
+you must give me though."  And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT
+game was won, and the Baron handed over his pounds.  "Two hundred
+and sixty more, my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count: "you are mon
+ange gardien!"  "Wot a flat Misther Coxsh is, not to back his
+luck," I hoard Abednego whisper to one of the foreign noblemen.
+
+"I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron.
+"Give me three," says he, "and done."  I gave him three, and lost
+the game by one.  "Dobbel, or quits," says he.  "Go it," says I, up
+to my mettle: "Sam Coxe never says no;" and to it we went.  I went
+in, and scored eighteen to his five.  "Holy Moshesh!" says
+Abednego, "dat little Coxsh is a vonder! who'll take odds?"
+
+"I'll give twenty to one," says I, "in guineas."
+
+"Ponays; yase, done," screams out the Count.
+
+"BONIES, done," roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak,
+went in, and--would you believe it?--in two minutes he somehow made
+the game!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards!
+In vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to
+ponies; and when I refused, they both said their honor was
+concerned, and they must have my life, or their money.  So when the
+Count showed me actually that, in spite of this bet (which had been
+too good to resist) won from me, he had been a very heavy loser by
+the night; and brought me the word of honor of Abednego, his Jewish
+friend, and the foreign noblemen, that ponies had been betted;--why,
+I paid them one thousand pounds sterling of good and lawful
+money.--But I've not played for money since: no, no; catch me at
+THAT again if you can.
+
+
+A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA.
+
+
+No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy,
+who knew as much about music,--bless her!--as I do about Sanscrit,
+algebra, or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the
+second tier.  It was what they called a double box; it really COULD
+hold two, that is, very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain--
+for five hundred a year!  Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used
+regularly to take our places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in
+front; me, behind: but as my dear wife used to wear a large fantail
+gauze hat with ostrich feathers, birds-of-paradise, artificial
+flowers, and tags of muslin or satin, scattered all over it, I'm
+blest if she didn't fill the whole of the front of the box; and it
+was only by jumping and dodging, three or four times in the course
+of the night, that I could manage to get a sight of the actors.  By
+kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling Jemmy's sleeve,
+I DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of Senior
+Lablash's boots, in the "Puritanny," and once actually saw Madame
+Greasi's crown and head-dress in "Annybalony."
+
+What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us
+aristocracy used to have!  Just as you have swallowed down your
+three courses (three curses I used to call them;--for so, indeed,
+they are, causing a deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills,
+pills, want of sleep, and such like)--just, I say, as you get down
+your three courses, which I defy any man to enjoy properly unless
+he has two hours of drink and quiet afterwards, up comes the
+carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as fine as a duchess, and scented
+like our shop.  "Come, my dear," says she, "it's 'Normy' to--night"
+(or "Annybalony," or the "Nosey di Figaro," or the "Gazzylarder,"
+as the case may be).  "Mr. Foster strikes off punctually at eight,
+and you know it's the fashion to be always present at the very
+first bar of the aperture."  And so off we are obliged to budge, to
+be miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the next
+twelve, and all because it's the fashion!
+
+After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I
+am given to understand, is the Italian for singing.  Why they
+should sing in Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do
+nothing BUT sing.  Bless us! how I used to long for the wooden
+magpie in the "Gazzylarder" to fly up to the top of the church-
+steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the chaps with the
+pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June.  Not that I
+don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini: him
+who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the
+first piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a
+LITTLE too much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats
+in the boxes.
+
+The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally?  You SHOULD
+have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and
+when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with
+a gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and
+our girl blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on
+the tips of only five of her toes, and raising up the other five,
+and the foot belonging to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled
+round, and round, and round, like a teetotum, for a couple of
+minutes or more; and as she settled down, at last, on both feet, in
+a natural decent posture, you should have heard how the house
+roared with applause, the boxes clapping with all their might, and
+waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting, " Bravo!"  Some
+people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an exhibition,
+threw bunches of flowers at her; and what do you think she did?
+Why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had
+happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press
+them to her heart, and begin whirling round again faster than ever.
+Talk about coolness, I never saw such in all MY born days.
+
+"Nasty thing!" says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; "if women WILL
+act so, it serves them right to be treated so."
+
+"Oh, yes! she acts beautifully," says our friend his Excellency,
+who along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to
+miss coming to our box.
+
+"She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and
+I am very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at
+her, and that the people waved to her to get off."
+
+Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of
+laughter.
+
+"My dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, "those are the most famous dancers
+in the world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses
+at them, in token of our immense admiration!"
+
+"Well, I never!" said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the
+curtain, and looked as red as it almost.  After the one had done
+the next begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping
+and bounding in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at
+least six feet from the stage, and there shaking about its legs
+like mad, we were more astonished than ever!
+
+"That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen.
+
+"Anna who?" says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this
+person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black
+ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees.
+
+"Anatole.  You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's
+as active as a man of twenty."
+
+"HE!" shrieked out my wife; "what, is that there a man?  For shame!
+Munseer.  Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and
+I'll thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home."
+
+You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a
+horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed
+to it; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-
+room, and so would stop till the end of everything; and, law bless
+you! in three weeks from that time, she could look at the ballet as
+she would at a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her
+double-barrelled opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had
+been a born duchess.  As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does; and
+precious fun it used to be, sometimes.
+
+My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the
+scenes; where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my
+ONTRAY.  Behind, then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor
+heard of!  Fancy lots of young and old gents of the fashion
+crowding round and staring at the actresses practising their steps.
+Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners, chattering always, and smelling
+fearfully of tobacco.  Fancy scores of Jews, with hooked-noses and
+black muzzles, covered with rings, chains, sham diamonds, and gold
+waistcoats.  Fancy old men dressed in old nightgowns, with knock-
+knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings, and dabs of brick-
+dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such wigs!) for the
+bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap, or else
+shepherds' crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and
+green baize.  Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing
+to and fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones,
+pasteboard Cupids, dragons, and such like.  Such dirt, darkness,
+crowd, confusion and gabble of all conceivable languages was never
+known!
+
+If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole!  Instead of looking
+twenty, he looked a thousand.  The old man's wig was off, and a
+barber was giving it a touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking
+snuff himself, and a boy was standing by with a pint of beer from
+the public-house at the corner of Charles Street.
+
+I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour
+which they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the
+stage, before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies
+in the boxes are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming
+with their feet and canes in the rudest manner possible, as though
+they couldn't wait.
+
+Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain
+flies up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till
+the very last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making
+myself very affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and
+twirling about me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such
+like politeness, in the most condescending way possible, when a
+bolt was suddenly withdrawn, and down I popped, through a trap in
+the stage, into the place below.  Luckily I was stopped by a piece
+of machinery, consisting of a heap of green blankets and a young
+lady coming up as Venus rising from the sea.  If I had not fallen
+so soft, I don't know what might have been the consequence of the
+collusion.  I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear to hear of
+my paying the least attention to the fair sex.
+
+
+STRIKING A BALANCE.
+
+
+Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the
+Earl of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his
+mother the Dowager Countess.  Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady
+Juliana Matilda MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann;
+and a son, the Honorable Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow
+MacTurk, only ten months older than our boy Tug.
+
+My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station,
+made every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager
+Countess of Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she
+was the daughter of the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great
+friend, the Earl of Portansherry) thought fit to reject.  I don't
+wonder at my Jemmy growing so angry with her, and determining, in
+every way, to put her ladyship down.  The Kilblazes' estate is not
+so large as the Tuggeridge property by two thousand a year at
+least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept only two footmen,
+was quite authorized in having three; and she made it a point, as
+soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to have
+out her own carriage-and-four.
+
+Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big.
+Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and
+what do you think Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess,
+Madame de Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double
+salary.  It was quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame
+Flicflac: she had been (to support her father, the Count, when he
+emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the ITALIAN Opera.  French dancing,
+and Italian, therefore, we had at once, and in the best style: it
+is astonishing how quick and well she used to speak--the French
+especially.
+
+Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend
+Clement Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young
+fashionables, from the age of three to fifteen; and to this
+establishment Jemmy sent our Tug, adding forty guineas to the
+hundred and twenty paid every year for the boarders.  I think I
+found out the dear soul's reason; for, one day, speaking about the
+school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the Kilblazes, she
+whispered to him that "she never would have thought of sending her
+darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid; THEIR
+lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did
+the best they could on their income!"
+
+Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been
+tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school,
+and, as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came
+to it.  You read in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called
+it,) after the account of the charges for board, masters, extras,
+&c.--"Every young nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a
+knife, fork, spoon, and goblet of silver (to prevent breakage),
+which will not be returned; a dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-
+box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c.  The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT
+be allowed to have more than ten guineas of pocket-money, unless
+his parents particularly desire it, or he be above fifteen years of
+age.  WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm, vapor, and douche
+baths.  CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of fifteen
+guineas per quarter.  It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young
+nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke.  In a place devoted to
+THE CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment
+were profane.
+
+"CLEMENT CODDLER, M. A.,
+
+"Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster.
+
+"MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY."
+
+
+To this establishment our Tug was sent.  "Recollect, my dear," said
+his mamma, "that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect
+you to beat all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington
+MacTurk, who, though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are
+the heir of Tuggeridgeville."
+
+Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as
+well as any young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig
+either, and could shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the
+old time, when we were not great people: when he came to be a
+gentleman, he had to learn Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost
+time to make up for, on going to school.
+
+However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send
+monthly accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a
+wonder of the world, I don't know who was.  It was
+
+    General behavior      excellent.
+    English               very good.
+    French                tres bien.
+    Latin                 optime.
+
+And so on:--he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every
+month for money.  My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him,
+after he had been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by
+Mr. Coddler, one of the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw,
+into the bedrooms and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories
+he called them), which were all as comfortable as comfortable might
+be.  "It is a holiday, today," said Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it
+seemed to be.  In the dining-room were half a dozen young gentlemen
+playing at cards ("All tip-top nobility," observed Mr. Coddler);--in
+the bedrooms there was only one gent: he was lying on his bed,
+reading novels and smoking cigars.  "Extraordinary genius!" whispered
+Coddler.  "Honorable Tom Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's;
+smokes all day; and has written the SWEETEST poems you can imagine.
+Genius, my dear madam, you know--genius must have its way."  "Well,
+UPON my word," says Jemmy, "if that's genius, I had rather that
+Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull fellow."
+
+"Impossible, my dear madam," said Coddler.  "Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe
+COULDN'T be stupid if he TRIED."
+
+Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis
+of Allycompane.  We were introduced instantly: "Lord Claude
+Lollypop, Mr. and Mrs. Coxe."  The little lord wagged his head, my
+wife bowed very low, and so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord
+making for the playground, begged him to show us the way.--"Come
+along," says my lord; and as he walked before us, whistling, we had
+leisure to remark the beautiful holes in his jacket, and elsewhere.
+
+About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a
+pastry-cook's shop at the end of the green.  "That's the grub-
+shop," said my lord, "where we young gentlemen wot has money buys
+our wittles, and them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick."
+
+Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone.
+"That's Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am," says my lord.  "We keep him,
+for he's very useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps'
+coats when there's a fight, or a game at cricket.--Well, Hicks,
+how's your mother? what's the row now?"  "I believe, my lord," said
+the usher, very meekly, "there is a pugilistic encounter somewhere
+on the premises--the Honorable Mr. Mac--"
+
+"Oh! COME along," said Lord Lollypop, "come along: this way, ma'am!
+Go it, ye cripples!"  And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in
+the kindest and most familiar way, she trotting on after him,
+mightily pleased to be so taken notice of, and I after her.  A
+little boy went running across the green.  "Who is it, Petitoes?"
+screams my lord.  "Turk and the barber," pipes Petitoes, and runs
+to the pastry-cook's like mad.  "Turk and the ba--," laughs out my
+lord, looking at us.  "HURRA! THIS way, ma'am!"  And turning round
+a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard, where a number of
+boys were collected, and a great noise of shrill voices might be
+heard.  "Go it, Turk!" says one.  "Go it, barber!" says another.
+"PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!" roars another, whose voice was just cracked,
+and his clothes half a yard too short for him!
+
+Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug
+pummelling away at the Honorable Master MacTurk!  My dear Jemmy,
+who don't understand such things, pounced upon the two at once,
+and, with one hand tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into
+the arms of his seconds, while, with the other, she clawed hold of
+Master MacTurk's red hair, and, as soon as she got her second hand
+free, banged it about his face and ears like a good one.
+
+"You nasty--wicked--quarrelsome--aristocratic" (each word was a
+bang)--"aristocratic--oh! oh! oh!"--Here the words stopped; for what
+with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the
+shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered, my
+dear Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my
+arms.
+
+
+DOWN AT BEULAH.
+
+
+Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and
+us, yet Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their
+acquaintance over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where
+they were fighting, making friends, and playing tricks from morning
+to night, during the holidays.  Indeed, it was from young Mac that
+we first heard of Madame de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady
+Kilblazes, as I before have related.  When our friend the Baron
+first saw Madame, a very tender greeting passed between them; for
+they had, as it appeared, been old friends abroad.  "Sapristie,"
+said the Baron, in his lingo, "que fais-tu ici, Amenaide?"  "Et
+toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says she, "est-ce qu'on t'a mis a la
+retraite?  Il parait que tu n'es plus General chez Franco--"
+CHUT!" says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips.
+
+"What are they saying, my dear?" says my wife to Jemimarann, who
+had a pretty knowledge of the language by this time.
+
+"I don't know what 'Sapristie' means, mamma; but the Baron asked
+Madame what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot,
+you are no more a General at Franco.'--Have I not translated
+rightly, Madame?"
+
+"Oui, mon chou, mon ange.  Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right.
+Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years."
+
+"Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron; "Baron Chicot de
+Punter is my name."
+
+"And being a General at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I suppose,
+being a French General?"
+
+"Yes, I vas," said he, "General Baron de Punter--n'est 'a pas,
+Amenaide?"
+
+"Oh, yes!" said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy
+laughed out of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as
+you shall hear.
+
+About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that
+admirable institution, "The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;" Lady de
+Sudley was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain,
+the excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper.  His salary, as
+chaplain, and that of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of
+her ladyship's), drew away five hundred pounds from the six
+subscribed to the Charity: and Lady de Sudley thought a fete at
+Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the foreign princes who were in
+town last year, might bring a little more money into its treasury.
+A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and published in all the
+papers:--
+
+
+"APPEAL.
+
+"BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME.
+
+"The 'Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been established seven
+years: and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently
+stated, INCALCULABLE.  Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen
+have been lodged within its walls.  One hundred and two British
+Washerwomen have been relieved when in the last state of decay.
+ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female
+dress have been washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled in
+the Establishment.  And, by an arrangement with the governors of
+the Foundling, it is hoped that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL
+will be confided to the British Washerwoman's Home!
+
+"With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable
+to think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled
+to reject the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT
+HUNDRED AND ONE BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their
+support?  Ladies of England!  Mothers of England! to you we appeal.
+Is there one of you that will not respond to the cry in behalf of
+these deserving members of our sex?
+
+"It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at
+Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the
+first foreign and native TALENT; by the first foreign and native
+RANK; and where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S
+FRIEND."
+
+
+Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the
+Duke of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His
+Excellency Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the
+Persian Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude,
+His Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the
+Spanish Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the
+Republic of Topinambo, and a host of other fashionables, promised
+to honor the festival: and their names made a famous show in the
+bills.  Besides these, we had the celebrated band of Moscow-musiks,
+the seventy-seven Transylvanian trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian
+Minnesingers; with all the leading artists of London, Paris, the
+Continent, and the rest of Europe.
+
+I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British
+Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day.  A beautiful tent
+was erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was
+hung round with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen's
+orphans; ninety-six of whom were to be feasted in the gardens,
+and waited on by the Ladies-Patronesses.
+
+Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count,
+Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and
+barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her
+carriage-and-two.
+
+There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the
+Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their
+beaux went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having
+each an arm of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and
+Jemimarann.  Whilst they were walking, whom should they light upon
+but poor Orlando Crump, my successor in the perfumery and hair-
+cutting.
+
+"Orlando!" says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding
+out her hand.
+
+"Jemimar!" says he, holding out his, and turning as white as
+pomatum.
+
+"SIR!" says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess.
+
+"What! madam," says poor Crump, "don't you remember your shopboy?"
+
+"Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?" whimpers Jemimarann,
+whose hand he had got hold of.
+
+"Miss Tuggeridge Coxe," says Jemmy, "I'm surprised of you.
+Remember, sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no
+more familiarity."
+
+"Insolent fellow!" says the Baron, "vat is dis canaille?"
+
+"Canal yourself, Mounseer," says Orlando, now grown quite furious:
+he broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd.
+Jemimarann, as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and
+ill; and her mamma, therefore, took her to a tent, where she left
+her along with Madame Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself
+with the other gentlemen, in order to join us.
+
+It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac
+suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward
+to a friend whom she saw pass.
+
+The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the
+champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I
+don't know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when
+the Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration.
+
+Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing
+by my side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous
+Bohemian Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the
+poet Gothy:--
+
+
+        "Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee.
+         Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee."
+"Chorus--Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!"
+
+
+They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual,
+and had just come to the "o-o-o," at the end of the chorus of the
+forty-seventh stanza, when Orlando started: "That's a scream!" says
+he.  "Indeed it is," says I; "and, but for the fashion of the
+thing, a very ugly scream too:" when I heard another shrill "Oh!"
+as I thought; and Orlando bolted off, crying, "By heavens, it's HER
+voice!"  "Whose voice?" says I.  "Come and see the row," says Tag.
+And off we went, with a considerable number of people, who saw this
+strange move on his part.
+
+We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann
+fainting; her mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the
+ground, holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando
+squaring at him, and calling on him to fight if he dared.
+
+My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce.  "Take that feller away,"
+says she; "he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves
+transportation, at the least."
+
+Poor Orlando was carried off.  "I've no patience with the little
+minx," says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch.  "She might be a
+Baron's lady; and she screams out because his Excellency did but
+squeeze her hand."
+
+"Oh, mamma! mamma!" sobs poor Jemimarann, "but he was t-t-tipsy."
+
+"T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended
+with a nobleman who does not know what he is doing."
+
+
+A TOURNAMENT.
+
+
+"I say, Tug," said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at
+Beulah, "Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you
+out, as I told you: the old barberess will die of spite when she
+hears what we are going to do.  What do you think? we're going to
+have a tournament!"  "What's a tournament?" says Tug, and so said
+his mamma when she heard the news; and when she knew what a
+tournament was, I think, really, she WAS as angry as MacTurk said
+she would be, and gave us no peace for days together.  "What!" says
+she, "dress up in armor, like play-actors, and run at each other
+with spears?  The Kilblazes must be mad!  "And so I thought, but I
+didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they were: for,
+when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as yet, a
+profound secret, what does she do, but send down to the Morning
+Post a flaming account of
+
+
+"THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE!
+
+"The days of chivalry are NOT past.  The fair Castellane of
+T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been
+alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall
+exceed in splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages.  We are
+not at liberty to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy
+B-r-n de P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th--s
+T-gr-g, are to be the knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN
+OF BEAUTY, of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt
+the power; a banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a
+ball, in which the recollections of ancient chivalry will blend
+sweetly with the soft tones of Weippert and Collinet, are among the
+entertainments which the Ladye of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for
+her distinguished guests."
+
+
+The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback,
+and in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number
+of our friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he
+vaulted over his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never
+were done except at Ducrow's.
+
+And now--oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter,
+to describe the wonders of the day!--Twenty-four knights came from
+Ashley's at two guineas a head.  We were in hopes to have had Miss
+Woolford in the character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not
+appear.  We had a tent for the challengers, at each side of which
+hung what they called ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put
+up when people die,) and underneath sat their pages, holding their
+helmets for the tournament.  Tagrag was in brass armor (my City
+connections got him that famous suit); his Excellency in polished
+steel.  My wife wore a coronet, modelled exactly after that of
+Queen Catharine, in "Henry V.;" a tight gilt jacket, which set off
+dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train of at least forty
+feet.  Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided with pearls.
+Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady Blanche
+Bluenose as a Turkish princess.  An alderman of London and his
+lady; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon;
+several Polish noblemen; two Italian counts (besides our Count);
+one hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in
+full uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir Miles Mulligatawney,
+K.C.B., and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing Establishment,
+and fourteen young ladies, all in white: the Reverend Doctor
+Wapshot, and forty-nine young gentlemen, of the first families,
+under his charge--were SOME only of the company.  I leave you to
+fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for fashion, she had enough of it
+on this occasion.  They wanted me to have mounted again, but my
+hunting-day had been sufficient; besides, I ain't big enough
+for a real knight: so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening the
+Tournament--and I knew it was in vain to resist--the Baron and
+Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with
+safety, if I came off at all.  They had procured from the Strand
+Theatre a famous stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been
+trained for the use of the great Lord Bateman.  I did not know
+exactly what they were till they arrived; but as they had belonged
+to a lord, I thought it was all right, and consented; and I found
+it the best sort of riding, after all, to appear to be on horseback
+and walk safely a-foot at the same time; and it was impossible to
+come down as long as I kept on my own legs: besides, I could cuff
+and pull my steed about as much as I liked, without fear of his
+biting or kicking in return.  As Lord of the Tournament, they
+placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in blue and gold:
+I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost wished
+myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet and
+breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at the
+time.  Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each
+other, till, prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat
+behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the
+same time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone.  "This was
+sufficient," they said, "for the laws of chivalry;" and I was glad
+to get off so.
+
+After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than
+seven, in complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the
+ring; and the Baron was far, far the most skilful.
+
+"How sweetly the dear Baron rides," said my wife, who was always
+ogling at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to
+him.  "I say, Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, as,
+after their course, they came cantering up, and ranged under
+Jemmy's bower, as she called it:--"I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that
+chap in harmer mustn't have been one of hus."  And this only made
+Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is, the Baron had chosen the
+best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her mother.
+
+The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him
+the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance;
+he receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his
+helmet mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the
+other end of the lists; then galloping back to the place where
+Jemimarann was seated, he begged her to place it on his helmet.
+The poor girl blushed very much, and did so.  As all the people
+were applauding, Tagrag rushed up, and, laying his hand on the
+Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his ear, which made the
+other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off violently.
+"Chacun pour soi," says he, "Monsieur de Taguerague,"--which means,
+I am told, "Every man for himself."  And then he rode away,
+throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse
+caper and prance, to the admiration of all beholders.
+
+After this came the "Passage of Arms."  Tagrag and the Baron ran
+courses against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece;
+whereupon the other three refused to turn out; and preciously we
+laughed at them, to be sure!
+
+"Now, it's OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT," says Tagrag, shaking his fist at
+the Baron: "look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by
+Jupiter, I'll do my best!"  And before Jemmy and the rest of us,
+who were quite bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were
+charging away, spears in hand, ready to kill each other.  In vain
+Jemmy screamed; in vain I threw down my truncheon: they had broken
+two poles before I could say "Jack Robinson," and were driving at
+each other with the two new ones.  The Baron had the worst of the
+first course, for he had almost been carried out of his saddle.
+"Hark you, Chicot!" screamed out Tagrag, "next time look to your
+head!"  And next time, sure enough, each aimed at the head of the
+other.
+
+Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's
+helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer
+still--his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the
+ground like a stone.
+
+"He's won! he's won!" says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief;
+Jemimarann fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that
+I thought I should drop.  All the company were in an uproar: only
+the Baron looked calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his
+hand to Jemmy; when, all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man
+springing over the barrier, and followed by three more, rushed
+towards the Baron.  "Keep the gate, Bob!" he holloas out.  "Baron,
+I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, for--"
+
+But he never said for what; shouting out, "Aha!" and "Sapprrrristie!"
+and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs
+into his horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before
+another word.  He had threatened to run through one of the bailiff's
+followers, Mr. Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him; and
+when we took up the bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a
+little brandy-and-water, he told us all.  "I had a writ againsht
+him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't vant to shpoil shport; and,
+beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey knocked off his shteel cap!"
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Here was a pretty business!
+
+
+OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED.
+
+
+We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville:
+but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where
+poor Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown,
+and the Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and
+silk stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend in Pickwick; we, having
+employed the gentlemen from Astley's Antitheatre, had some decent
+sport for our money.
+
+We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished
+himself by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly)
+Mr. Nabb, the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay
+hands upon him.  My sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits
+after his departure, and a sad thing it is to see her in low
+spirits: on days of illness she no more minds giving Jemimarann a
+box on the ear, or sending a plate of muffins across a table at
+poor me, than she does taking her tea.
+
+Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it
+was the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the
+Baron at Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would
+do her good, and declared that she should die unless she went to
+the seaside in France.  I knew what this meant, and that I might as
+well attempt to resist her as to resist her Gracious Majesty in
+Parliament assembled; so I told the people to pack up the things,
+and took four places on board the "Grand Turk" steamer for Boulogne.
+
+The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and
+my carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night
+before; and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I
+think it was the--but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom
+House in the other carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab,
+with the servants, and fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which
+were to be wanted by my dear girl in the journey.
+
+The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we
+saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St.
+Bartholomew;--why erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is
+in Smithfield;--we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the
+Mansion House, where we saw the two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke
+coming out of the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in
+safety.  I felt melancholy, for we were going among a people of
+swindlers, as all Frenchmen are thought to be; and, besides not
+being able to speak the language, leaving our own dear country and
+honest countrymen.
+
+Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the
+greatest civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor;
+ay, and your honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid
+in the cab.  I somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going
+away.  "Here, my fine fellow," says I to the coachman, who was
+standing very respectful, holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's
+jewel-case in the other--"Here, my fine chap," says I, "here's six
+shillings for you;" for I did not care for the money.
+
+"Six what?" says he.
+
+"Six shillings, fellow," shrieks Jemmy, "and twice as much as your
+fare."
+
+"Feller, marm!" says this insolent coachman.  "Feller yourself,
+marm: do you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my
+precious back, and bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids,
+and your traps for six hog?"  And with this the monster dropped his
+hat, with my money in it, and doubling his fist put it so very near
+my nose that I really thought he would have made it bleed.  "My
+fare's heighteen shillings," says he, "hain't it?--hask hany of
+these gentlemen."
+
+"Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six," says one of the
+fourteen porters; "but if the gen'l'man IS a gen'l'man, he can't
+give no less than a suffering anyhow."
+
+I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, "Holloa!"
+says one.  "What's the row?" says another.  "Come, dub up!" roars a
+third.  And I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so
+frightened that I took out the sovereign and gave it.  My man and
+Jemmy's maid had disappeared by this time: they always do when
+there's a robbery or a row going on.
+
+I was going after them.  "Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young
+gentleman of about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that
+reached to his ankles, and every variety of button, pin, string, to
+keep it together.  "Stop, Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe
+out of his mouth, "and don't forgit the cabman."
+
+"What's your fare, my lad?" says I.
+
+"Why, let's see--yes--ho!--my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpence
+eggs--acly."
+
+The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and
+laughed very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed
+disappointed was, I thought, the hackney-coachman.  "Why, YOU
+rascal!" says Jemmy, laying hold of the boy, "do you want more than
+the coachman?"
+
+"Don't rascal ME, marm!" shrieks the little chap in return.
+"What's the coach to me?  Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence
+if you like; vy don't you go and buss it, marm?  Vy did you call my
+cab, marm?  Vy am I to come forty mile, from Scarlot Street,
+Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and not git my fare, marm?  Come,
+give me a suffering and a half, and don't keep my hoss avaiting all
+day."  This speech, which takes some time to write down, was made
+in about the fifth part of a second; and, at the end of it, the
+young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing towards Jemmy,
+doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight.
+
+My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor,
+and fell into my arms.  What was I to do?  I called "Policeman!"
+but a policeman won't interfere in Thames Street; robbery is
+licensed there.  What was I to do?  Oh! my heart beats with
+paternal gratitude when I think of what my Tug did!
+
+As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting
+attitude, Master Tuggeridge Coxe--who had been standing by laughing
+very rudely, I thought--Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his
+jacket suddenly into his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her
+start and recovered her a little), and, before we could say a word
+was in the ring in which we stood (formed by the porters, nine
+orangemen and women, I don't know how many newspaper-boys, hotel-
+cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling about two little white
+fists in the face of the gentleman in the red waistcoat, who
+brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the enemy, was
+engaged in an instant.
+
+But la bless you!  Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing;
+and MILLED away one, two, right and left--like a little hero as he
+is, with all his dear mother's spirit in him.  First came a crack
+which sent a long dusky white hat--that looked damp and deep like a
+well, and had a long black crape-rag twisted round it--first came a
+crack which sent this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab
+and scattered among the crowd a vast number of things which the
+cabman kept in it,--such as a ball of string, a piece of candle, a
+comb, a whip-lash, a little warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c.
+
+The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him
+no time: another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third,
+which hit him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight
+down to the ground.
+
+"Brayvo, my lord!" shouted all the people around.
+
+"I won't have no more, thank yer," said the little cabman,
+gathering himself up.  "Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me
+git away?"
+
+"What's your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?" says Tug.
+
+"Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he.  "Go along,--you KNOW it
+is!" and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug,
+and hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink.  We
+heard the packet-bell ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in
+time.
+
+I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very
+nearly so, in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and
+Jemimarann, and Tug, and the maid, and valet, and valuables had
+been handed across, it came to my turn.  I had often heard of
+people being taken up by a PLANK, but seldom of their being set
+down by one.  Just as I was going over, the vessel rode off a
+little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the water.  You
+might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it rung in
+my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving her a
+disconsolate widder.  Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of
+my beaver-hat--though I have heard that drowning men catch at
+straws:--I floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and,
+luckily, just then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waistband
+of my whites, and found myself hauled up in the air at the end of a
+boat-hook, to the sound of "Yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!" and so I was
+dragged aboard.  I was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water
+that it took a very considerable quantity of brandy to bring it to
+a proper mixture in my inside.  In fact, for some hours I was in a
+very deplorable state.
+
+
+NOTICE TO QUIT.
+
+
+Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries,
+right and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was
+known there; and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying
+her daughter to a lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where,
+as he had often said, he possessed a magnificent ---- hotel he
+called it;--and I remember Jemmy being mightily indignant at the
+idea; but hotel, we found afterwards, means only a house in French,
+and this reconciled her.  Need I describe the road from Boulogne to
+Paris?  or need I describe that Capitol itself?  Suffice it to say,
+that we made our appearance there, at "Murisse's Hotel," as became
+the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw everything worth seeing in
+the metropolis in a week.  It nearly killed me, to be sure; but,
+when you're on a pleasure-party in a foreign country, you must not
+mind a little inconvenience of this sort.
+
+Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of
+trees, which--I don't know why--is called the Shandeleezy, or
+Elysian Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the
+Shandeleery; but mine I know to be the correct pronunciation.  In
+the middle of this Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a
+tent where, during the summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley,
+performs with his horses and things.  As everybody went there, and
+we were told it was quite the thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go
+too; and go we did.
+
+It's just like Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe,
+who goes round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there
+are a dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses,
+Dihannas, Sultannas, Cachuchas, and heaven knows what!  There's the
+fat man, who comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns
+out to be the living skeleton!  There's the clowns, the sawdust,
+the white horse that dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops,
+just as in our own dear country.
+
+My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world
+looking at her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't
+require any knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals
+don't talk it), when there came in, presently, "the great Polish
+act of the Sarmatian horse-tamer, on eight steeds," which we were
+all of us longing to see.  The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles
+an hour, rushed in on four of his horses, leading the other four,
+and skurried round the ring.  You couldn't see him for the sawdust,
+but everybody was delighted, and applauded like mad.  Presently,
+you saw there were only three horses in front: he had slipped one
+more between his legs, another followed, and it was clear that the
+consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any more.  The people
+applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and eight were
+made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and out, with
+the others, so that you did not know which was which, the house, I
+thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian horse-
+tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground.  At last the music
+grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring; bending,
+smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his
+heart, just as we have seen the Ashley's people do.  But fancy our
+astonishment when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming
+round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our box,
+gave a start, and a--hupp! which made all his horses stop stock-
+still at an instant.
+
+"Albert!" screamed my dear Jemmy: "Albert!  Bahbahbah--baron!"  The
+Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels,
+three times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our
+sight.
+
+It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER!
+
+Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again;
+but we heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of
+Franconi's, and had run away to England, thinking to better
+himself, and had joined Mr. Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson,
+and then London, did not agree with him; and we saw the last of him
+as he sprung over the barriers at the Tuggeridgeville tournament.
+
+"Well, Jemimarann," says Jemmy, in a fury, "you shall marry Tagrag;
+and if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall
+be a baronet's lady."  Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was
+of no use to remonstrate.
+
+Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever
+to go back to London: for what should we hear, but that that
+monster, Tuggeridge, of the City--old Tug's black son, forsooth!--
+was going to contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I
+don't know how many bills against us in Chancery!  Hearing this, we
+set off immediately, and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in
+that very same "Grand Turk" which had brought us to France.
+
+If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave
+London on Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that
+there is often not an hour between the time of arrival and
+departure.  Bless us! bless us!  I pity the poor Captain that, for
+twenty-four hours at a time, is on a paddle-box, roaring out, "Ease
+her!  Stop her!" and the poor servants, who are laying out
+breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;--breakfast, lunch, dinner,
+tea, supper again;--for layers upon layers of travellers, as it
+were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those
+unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over.
+Little did we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and
+little were we prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over
+our Tuggeridgeville property.
+
+Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our
+man of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just
+set off to Paris after me.  So we started down to Tuggeridgeville
+instead of going to Portland Place.  As we came through the lodge-
+gates, we found a crowd assembled within them; and there was that
+horrid Tuggeridige on horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called
+Mr. Scapgoat, and his man of business, and many more.  "Mr.
+Scapgoat," says Tuggeridge, grinning, and handing him over a sealed
+paper, "here's the lease; I leave you in possession, and wish you
+good morning."
+
+"In possession of what?" says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville,
+leaning out of the carriage-window.  She hated black Tuggeridge, as
+she called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to
+Portland Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate
+which he said was his private property, she called him a base-born
+blackamoor, and told him to quit the house.  Since then there had
+been law squabbles between us without end, and all sorts of
+writings, meetings, and arbitrations.
+
+"Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam," roars he,
+"left me by my father's will, which you have had notice of these
+three weeks, and know as well as I do."
+
+"Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy; "he didn't die to leave his
+estates to blackamoors--to negroes--to base-born mulatto story-
+tellers; if he did may I be -----"
+
+"Oh, hush! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann.  "Go it again, mother!"
+says Tug, who is always sniggering.
+
+"What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?" cried Tagrag (who was the
+only one of our party that had his senses).  "What is this will?"
+
+"Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up.
+"For heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs,
+Biggs, and Blatherwick, arrange with me.  I am surprised that none
+of their people are here.  All that you have to do is to eject us;
+and the rest will follow, of course."
+
+"Who has taken possession of this here property?" roars Jemmy,
+again.
+
+"My friend Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer.--Mr. Scapgoat grinned.
+
+"Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a
+woman of no small spirit), "if you don't leave this ground I'll
+have you pushed out with pitchforks, I will--you and your beggarly
+blackamoor yonder."  And, suiting the action to the word, she
+clapped a stable fork into the hands of one of the gardeners, and
+called another, armed with a rake, to his help, while young Tug set
+the dog at their heels, and I hurrahed for joy to see such villany
+so properly treated.
+
+"That's sufficient, ain't it?" said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest
+air in the world.  "Oh, completely," said the lawyer.  "Mr.
+Tuggeridge, we've ten miles to dinner.  Madam, your very humble
+servant."  And the whole posse of them rode away.
+
+
+LAW LIFE ASSURANCE.
+
+
+We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document
+from Higgs, in London--which begun, "Middlesex to wit.  Samuel Cox,
+late of Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said
+county, was attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea,
+wherefore, with force and arms, he entered into one messuage, with
+the appurtenances, which John Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said
+Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which is not yet expired, and ejected
+him."  And it went on to say that "we, with force of arms, viz,
+with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected him."  Was there ever
+such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand in defence of our
+own; and isn't it a sin that we should have been turned out of our
+rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea?
+
+Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would
+you believe it?--they told us to give up possession at once, as a
+will was found, and we could not defend the action.  My Jemmy
+refused their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the
+will: she pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery;
+and believes, to this day, that the story of its having been made
+thirty years ago, in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's
+papers, and found there, and brought to England, after a search
+made by order of Tuggeridge junior, is a scandalous falsehood.
+
+Well, the cause was tried.  Why need I say anything concerning it?
+What shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be
+ashamed of the wig he sits in?  What of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, who
+exerted their eloquence against justice and the poor?  On our side,
+too, was no less a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am,
+for the honor of the British bar, to say it, seemed to have been
+bribed too: for he actually threw up his case!  Had he behaved like
+Mr. Mulligan, his junior--and to whom, in this humble way, I offer
+my thanks--all might have been well.  I never knew such an effect
+produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for the first time in
+that court, said, "Standing here upon the pidestal of secred
+Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict;
+having before me a vinnerable judge, and an enlightened jury--the
+counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor man's
+priceless palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must the
+blush bejew my cheek--"(somebody cried out, "O CHEEKS!"  In the
+court there was a dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was
+established, Mr. Mulligan continued:)--"My lard, I heed them not; I
+come from a counthry accustomed to opprission, and as that
+counthry--yes, my lard, THAT IRELAND--(do not laugh, I am proud of
+it)--is ever, in spite of her tyrants, green, and lovely, and
+beautiful: my client's cause, likewise, will rise shuperior to the
+malignant imbecility--I repeat, the MALIGNANT IMBECILITY--of those
+who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth, in my client's
+name, in my counthry's--ay, and MY OWN--I, with folded arrums, hurl
+a scarnful and eternal defiance!"
+
+"For heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan"--("MULLIGAN, ME LARD," cried my
+defender)--"Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief."
+
+Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech
+crammed with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he
+explained the situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in
+which Tuggeridge the elder gained his fortune, and by which it
+afterwards came to my wife; the state of Ireland; the original and
+virtuous poverty of the Coxes--from which he glanced passionately,
+for a few minutes (until the judge stopped him), to the poverty of
+his own country; my excellence as a husband, father, landlord; my
+wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady.  All was in vain--the trial
+went against us.  I was soon taken in execution for the damages;
+five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as much more of
+Tuggeridge's.  He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get me out
+of a much worse place than the Fleet.  I need not tell you that
+along with the land went the house in town, and the money in the
+funds.  Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all.  And
+when I was in prison, who do you think would come and see me?
+None of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor
+Excellencies, who used to fill our house, and eat and drink at
+our expense,--not even the ungrateful Tagrag!
+
+I could not help now saying to my dear wife, "See, my love, we have
+been gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had
+of it.  In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and
+everybody laughed at us."
+
+"Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter.
+
+"We asked great company, and they insulted us."
+
+"And spoilt mamma's temper," said Jemimarann.
+
+"Hush! Miss," said her mother; "we don't want YOUR advice."
+
+"Then you must make a country gentleman of me."
+
+"And send Pa into dunghills," roared Tug.
+
+"Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and
+Counts."
+
+"Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them," cries my
+little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy.
+
+"And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a
+fine school."
+
+"And I give you my word," says Tug, "I'm as ignorant a chap as ever
+lived."
+
+"You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy; "you've learned that at
+your fine school."
+
+"I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I
+haven't," grumbles Tug.
+
+"You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a
+swindler."
+
+"And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my girl.
+
+"Silence! Miss," says Jemmy, fiercely.
+
+"You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and
+bring me into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never
+can help us after all your bad language."  I said all this very
+smartly; for the fact is, my blood was up at the time, and I
+determined to rate my dear girl soundly.
+
+"Oh! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was
+quite broken), "it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and
+vain, and I've punished my dear husband and children by my follies,
+and I do so, so repent them!"  Here Jemimarann at once burst out
+crying, and flung herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair
+roared and sobbed for ten minutes together.  Even Tug looked queer:
+and as for me, it's a most extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if
+seeing them so miserable didn't make me quite happy.--I don't
+think, for the whole twelve months of our good fortune, I had ever
+felt so gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet, where I was locked
+up.
+
+Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never
+taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated
+him so cruelly that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his
+company now.  He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of
+sherry for me; and he used to take home Jemmy's fronts and dress
+them for her; and when locking-up time came, he used to see the
+ladies home to their little three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where
+they slept now, Tug and all.  "Can the bird forget its nest?"
+Orlando used to say (he was a romantic young fellow, that's the
+truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron incessantly, since he
+was separated from Jemimarann).  "Can the bird, let loose in
+eastern climes, forget its home?  Can the rose cease to remember
+its beloved bulbul?--Ah, no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and
+what I hope to die--a hairdresser.  I never see a curling-irons
+before I entered your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor.  Did
+you not make over your house, your furniture, your emporium of
+perfumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving customers, to me?  Are these
+trifles?  Is Jemimarann a trifle? if she would allow me to call her
+so.  Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me in the workhouse, and made me
+what I am.  Conduct me to my grave, and I never, never shall be
+different!"  When he had said this, Orlando was so much affected,
+that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room.
+
+Then Jemimarann began to cry too.  "Oh, Pa!" said she, "isn't he--
+isn't he a nice young man?"
+
+"I'm HANGED if he ain't," says Tug.  "What do you think of his
+giving me eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water
+for Mimarann?"
+
+"He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate,"
+says Jemmy.
+
+"What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages?  My dear, I'd sooner die than
+give Tuggeridge the chance."
+
+
+FAMILY BUSTLE.
+
+
+Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me
+in prison.  It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of
+ourselves; and were, thank God!  I learned to be sorry for my bad
+feelings toward him, and he actually wrote to me to say--
+
+
+"SIR,--I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I
+believe, do not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have
+withdrawn my claims which I had against you while you were in
+wrongful possession of my father's estates.  You must remember that
+when, on examination of my father's papers, no will was found, I
+yielded up his property, with perfect willingness, to those who I
+fancied were his legitimate heirs.  For this I received all sorts
+of insults from your wife and yourself (who acquiesced in them);
+and when the discovery of a will, in India, proved MY just claims,
+you must remember how they were met, and the vexatious proceedings
+with which you sought to oppose them.
+
+"I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are
+more fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any
+other, I will give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock
+and shop, when you shall find one to suit you.
+
+"I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses.
+You have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to
+try his fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him
+an appointment; and am, Sir, your obedient servant,
+
+"JOHN TUGGERIDGE"
+
+
+It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter,
+and looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it.
+
+"I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at
+any rate," cries Jemmy.  "There's seventeen silk and satin dresses,
+and a whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to
+him."
+
+"Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem.  My master says
+that them things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life.
+Breadbasket, indeed!"  And so she sailed out.
+
+Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been
+in misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug,
+when he heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down
+poor Orlando.  "Ah, I suppose you'll forget me now?" says he with a
+sigh; and seemed the only unhappy person in company.
+
+"Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of
+dignity, "that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work--"
+
+"Woman!" cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own
+way), "hold your foolish tongue.  Your absurd pride has been the
+ruin of us hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it.
+Hark ye, Orlando, if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her;
+and if you'll take five hundred pounds for a half-share of the
+shop, they're yours; and THAT'S for you, Mrs. Cox."
+
+And here we are, back again.  And I write this from the old back
+shop, where we are all waiting to see the new year in.  Orlando
+sits yonder, plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as
+may be; and Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can
+imagine all day long, and are just now giving the finishing touches
+to the bridal-dresses: for the wedding is to take place the day
+after to-morrow.  I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very
+day; and as for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of
+China and all his Tambarins.  Last night we had a merry meeting of
+our friends and neighbors, to celebrate our reappearance among
+them; and very merry we all were.  We had a capital fiddler, and we
+kept it up till a pretty tidy hour this morning.  We begun with
+quadrills, but I never could do 'em well; and after that, to please
+Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gallopard, which I found
+anything but easy: for since I am come back to a life of peace and
+comfort, it's astonishing how stout I'm getting.  So we turned at
+once to what Jemmy and me excels in--a country dance; which is
+rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town life.  As
+for young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox
+says is very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the
+sea.  But stop! here comes in the punchbowls; and if we are not
+happy, who is?  I say I am like the Swish people, for I can't
+flourish out of my native HAIR.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of The Project Gutenberg Etext Burlesques, by William M. Thackeray
+
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