diff options
Diffstat (limited to '26708-8.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 26708-8.txt | 1828 |
1 files changed, 1828 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/26708-8.txt b/26708-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7b10b5e --- /dev/null +++ b/26708-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1828 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, May +13, 1893, by Various, Edited by F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, May 13, 1893 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: September 27, 2008 [eBook #26708] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 104, MAY 13, 1893*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 26708-h.htm or 26708-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/7/0/26708/26708-h/26708-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/7/0/26708/26708-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 104, MAY 13TH 1893 + +edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + + + + +MIXED NOTIONS. + +No. X.--THE BEHRING-SEA ARBITRATION. + + +(_Scene and Persons as usual._ _The Conversation has already begun._) + +_First Well-informed Man_ (_concluding a tirade_). ---- so what I want +to know is this: are we or are we not to submit to the Yankees? It's +all very well talking about Chicago Exhibitions and all that, but if +they're going to capture our ships and prevent us killing seals, why, +the sooner we tell 'em to go to blue blazes the better. And as for its +being a _mare clausum_---- + +[Illustration] + +_Inquirer_ (_interrupting_). Who was she? What's she got to do with +it? + +_First W. I. M._ (_laughing vigorously_). Ha! ha! that's a good 'un. + +_Inquirer_ (_nettled_). Oh, laugh away, laugh away. That's you all +over. + +_First W. I. M._ My dear chap, I'm very sorry, but I really couldn't +help it. There's no woman in the business at all. _Mare clausum_ +merely means the place where they catch the seals, you know; _mare_, +Latin for sea. + +_Inquirer._ Oh! I should have known that directly, if you'd only +pronounced it properly. But what does _clausum_ mean? + +_First W. I. M._ Well, of course, that means--well, a clause, don't +you know. It's in the treaty. + +_Average Man_ (_looking up from his paper_). It used to be the Latin +for "closed," but I suppose it's altered now. + +_First W. I. M._ (_incredulously_). It can't mean that, anyhow. Who +ever heard of a closed sea, I should like to know? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_hazarding a suggestion_). It _might_ mean a +harbour, you know, or something of that sort. + +_Average Man._ I daresay it _might_ mean that, but it doesn't happen +to be a harbour (_relapses into paper_). + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh, well, I only made the suggestion. + + [_A pause._ + +_Inquirer._ But what are they arbitrating about in Paris? It says +(_reading from newspaper_) "When Mr. CARTER, the United States +Counsel, had concluded his speech, he was complimented by the +President, the Baron DE COURCEL, who told him he had spoken on +behalf of humanity." I thought old CARNOT was President of the French +Republic. + +_First W. I. M._ So he is. + +_Inquirer_. But this paper says Baron DE COURCEL is President. + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh, I suppose that's one of CARNOT's titles, All +these blessed foreigners are Barons, or something of that sort. + +_Inquirer._ Ah, I suppose that must be it. But what have the French +got to do with the Behring Sea? I thought it was all between us and +the Yankees. + +_First W. I. M._ So it is--but the French are arbitrating. That's how +they come into the business. I can't say, personally, I like these +arbitrations. We're always arbitrating now, and giving everything +away. If we think we're right, why can't we say so, and stick to it, +and let the French, and the Yankees, and the Russians, and all the +rest of 'em, take it from us, if they can? + +_Second W. I. M._ Take what from us? + +_First W. I. M._ Why, whatever it happens to be, the Behring Sea, or +anything else. We're so deuced afraid of everybody now, we never +show fight; it's perfectly sickening. But of course you can't expect +anything else from old GLADSTONE. + +_Second W. I. M._ That's right--shove it all on to old GLADSTONE. +But you're wrong this time. It was JO CHAMBERLAIN, one of your +own blessed Unionists, that you're so proud of, who arranged this +arbitration. + +_First W. I. M._ I know that, my dear boy; but CHAMBERLAIN was a +Radical then; so where are you now? + + [_A pause._ + +_Inquirer_ (_who has continued his reading, suddenly, with a puzzled +air_). I say, you know, this is too much of a good thing, bringing +the Russians into the business. It says--(_reads_)--"documents were +submitted, on behalf of the United States, to prove that Russia had +never abandoned her sovereign rights in the manner suggested by Great +Britain." How, on earth, does Russia manage to crop up everywhere? And +where is this confounded Behring Sea? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_vaguely_). It's somewhere in America, or +Newfoundland, or thereabouts. + +_Inquirer._ But how about Russia? + +_Second W. I. M._ Oh, Russia shoves her oar in whenever we get into a +difficulty of any kind anywhere. + +_Inquirer_ (_persisting_). Yes--but how can she have any "sovereign +rights" in America? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_haughtily, but evasively_). My dear fellow, if +you had followed the thing properly, you wouldn't ask the question. +There's no time now to explain it all to you, as it's very +complicated, and goes back a long way. But you may take it from me +that Russia has got certain rights, and that she means to make things +as disagreeable for us as she can. + + [_A pause._ + +_Inquirer._ It's rather a rum start, isn't it? sending out Sir +CHARLES RUSSELL and Sir RICHARD WEBSTER. They're on opposite sides of +politics. + +_First W. I. M._ That's just why they send 'em. RUSSELL has got to put +the Liberal view, and WEBSTER the Conservative. + +_Inquirer._ Of course, of course; I never thought of that. By the way, +have you ever seen a seal? + +_First W. I. M._ They've got one at the Zoo. Catches fish, and kisses +the keeper, and all that sort of game. + +_Inquirer._ What, that big beast that looks as if it was made of +india-rubber, with long whiskers and a sort of fish-tail? + +_First W. I. M._ That's it. + +_Inquirer_ (_with profound disgust_). Well, I _am_ blessed! Is _that_ +all they're jawing about? + + [_Terminus._ + + * * * * * + +IN MEMORIAM--"THE DEVIL'S OWN." + + ["Notwithstanding the efforts made by the Inns of Court + Rifles, supported by the Authorities of the Inns, to increase + the strength of the corps, the additional enrolments lately + made have been judged by the War Office not sufficient + to warrant the continued maintenance of the corps as an + independent battalion; and orders have been given for its + reduction from six to four companies, for the withdrawal of + the Adjutant, and for the attachment of the corps to the 4th + Middlesex Rifles."--_Daily Paper._] + + Oh, how bright were the days when we all of us saw + In their martial equipment the limbs of the Law. + With their helmets and rifles, and pouches complete, + (May I quote from the ladies), they "really looked sweet." + The Colonel, the Major, and all their attendants, + Appeared not as counsel, since all were defendants; + And no soldierly spirit could equal the Bar's, + When Themis, its goddess, was mated with Mars. + + No more shall they charm us; harsh Fate with her shears + Has severed the thread of the Law's Volunteers. + And, whatever the cause was, 'twas certainly true + That these fee-less defenders at last were too few. + So now they're absorbed, and, no longer the same, + They lose by attachment their being and name. + And the old Devil's Own, from their discipline loosed, + Have gone to their owner; _i.e._, they're _re-duced_. + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE. + +(_In the House and out of it._) + +The Parliamentary Committee appointed to consider the best mode of +reporting in the House, have decided that it will be advisable to +allow Members to have an opportunity of revising their speeches after +they have been "taken down" verbatim. The result of this suggestion +will probably be as follows:-- + +[Illustration: "Spoke? Rather!"] + +MR. SYMPLE-STUTTER'S SPEECH. + +(_Verbatim Report._) + +Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, What I mean to say, I venture to think is that the +British Empire--yes Sir--that is what I venture to think, and _I_ am +a young Member. For I do not believe--no not now--or in fact, when +otherwise. For envy and malice are together. I venture to think that +sometimes the British Empire. Yes Sir, for the enemies are at our +gates with the past and the future. When the sun sinks--not that it +follows--at least so I venture to think. You may believe me, Sir, +that it is farthest from my thoughts when the British Empire and the +sinking sun which I venture to think is--in point of fact the setting +sun, and I venture to think the British Empire, and that is I venture +to think was my proposal in the past--which has the terrors of the +present from generation to generation. + +(_Revised Report._) + +Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, at a time like the present--when the enemies of the +Empire are clamouring at our gates, when envy walks hand-in-hand +with malice, and our fate is in our own hands--we should be bold and +resolute. It is not for a young Member like myself to point out the +course that we should pursue, but I venture to think that, by ignoring +the terrors of the past with the courage of the present, we shall +avert the dangers of the future. It has been said--and truly +said--that the sun never sets upon the British Empire. Let us believe +in that sun, and find in its rays an earnest of that glory which was +the birthright of our ancestors, and which, should be the birthright +of our descendants from generation to generation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA. + +_Antony_ ... JOHN BULL. _Cleopatra_ ... EGYPT. _Mecænas_ ... H. +L-B-CH-RE. _Enobarbus_ ... GL-DST-NE. + +_Mecænas_ (_aside to_ ENOBARBUS). "NOW ANTONY MUST LEAVE HER UTTERLY." + +_Enobarbus_ (_aside to_ MECÆNAS). "NEVER; HE WILL NOT." (_Apart._) "AT +LEAST, NOT YET." + + _Ant. and Cleo., Act II. Scene 2, adapted._ + + * * * * * + +MR. GLADSTONE'S CHANGE OF NAME. + + He was "The People's WILLIAM." He will + Be known in future as "Our Home-Rule BILL." + + * * * * * + +HIGH NOTES FOR A VIOLIN.--Last week a Stradivarius (_vide Daily +News_), a real genuine "Strad," sold at PUTTICK AND SIMPSON'S for +£860. Fiddle de L. S. Dee! + + * * * * * + +IN THE TIME OF THE RESTAURATION.--They're going it! Feeding, feeding +everywhere, and not a bit to eat--without paying for it pretty +heavily. We gather from a note in _Sala's Journal_, that LONG'S Hotel +now possesses a "Restauration." Of course, those who live in "Short's +Gardens," won't be able to patronise "LONG'S." The management is +announced as under the direction of a "M. DIETTE," and, as he has +obtained no inconsiderable renown (so we are informed) at the Berkeley +and Bristol, patrons of LONG'S may expect something superior, by way +of "DIETTE-ary." + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH TO THE BETROTHED PAIR. + +(_The Duke of York and the Princess May of Teck._) + +MAY 3, 1893. + + + 'Mid the bird-chorus of the May, + From glade and garden madly ringing, + There sounds one welcome note to-day, + Round the glad world its way 'tis winging. + You hear--you hear the general cheer + That greets it! 'Twill suffice to show you + That all who love you joy to hear. + And all who love are all who know you! + + Soft music of the marriage-bell + Seems woven 'midst the world's Spring Voices. + In truth, there's little need to tell + How in the prospect _Punch_ rejoices. + His well-pleased eye has watched your way; + His loyal heart has shared your sadness; + Now on this bright Betrothal-Day + Your gladness he acclaims--with gladness! + + * * * * * + +How is Mr. F. LUKE FILDES, R.A.?--In excellent health we sincerely +hope, but from seeing daily, in the front sheet of the _Times_, an +advertisement commencing "The Doctor after LUKE FILDES, R.A." Many +friends began to feel anxious. We are glad to be able to add, that, in +answer to the numerous inquiries made at 39, Old Bond Street, a most +satisfactory report has been obtained. + +[Illustration: "HONOURS EASY." + +_First Undergraduate._ "I SAY, OLD MAN, DID YOU WIN YOUR MONEY?" + +_Second Un._ "'COURSE NOT; WON SOMEBODY ELSE'S. _YOU_ LOST _YOUR_ +COIN, DIDN'T YOU?" + +_First Un._ "MY COIN! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I LOST THE +GUV'NOR'S!"] + + * * * * * + +MUSE v. MECHANIC. + +["Mr. NORMAN GALE--the Muse of orchards and pretty girls with polished +knees; a charm often left unsung."--_Mr. Andrew Lang on the Poems of +"A Country Muse."_] + + "A Country Muse" sings, if you please, + Of pretty girls "with polished knees"! + One would not quite demolish + The graphic rhymester's stock-in-trade, + But if bare knees must be displayed, + He _might_ forego the polish. + + It smacks of fustian! Workmen's "bags" + Are very "polished" where the "sags" + From salient joints protuberant, + Grow shiny with continual friction; + But "polished knees" in poet's diction + Strike one as too exuberant. + + Say varnished elbows, burnished knuckles, + And you'll elicit scornful chuckles + From Muse and from Mechanic! + Selections from the terms of trade + Would put, I'm very much afraid, + Parnassus in a panic. + + The bards are sometimes rather free + With feminine anatomy; + Their catalogues erotic + Of pretty girls' peculiar "points," + Their eyes and limbs, and curves and joints, + Are often idiotic. + + But if we must be told, sometimes, + Ladies have limbs, then that your rhymes + May not offend or fog any, + Don't _mechanise_ a maiden's charms; + Leave "polishing" to legs and arms + Of walnut or mahogany. + + * * * * * + +RHYMES ON THE DECAY OF ROMANCE. + +(_Suggested by Mr. Frederic Harrison's recent Article in "The +Forum."_) + + Oh, list to Mr. HARRISON lamenting from _The Forum_, + Imagination done to death by latter-day decorum! + "Good boys and girls" we've all become, and modern men and maidens + see + The world with such prosaic eyes, Romance is in decadency! + + We're too absorbed in Politics, enamoured of Monotony, + To give an ear to Geniuses (supposing we had _got_ any!) + But First-Class in our Fiction Mr. HARRISON abolishes, + Indeed most Authors travel Third, their talent so toll-lollish is. + + It's all the _Fin-de-Siècle's_ fault--and this, of course, a true + bill is; + For Genius puts its shutters up when centuries pass their jubilees! + As Mr. HARRISON can prove by references historical,-- + And any utterance of his is equal to an oracle. + + We cannot stand a novel now, he says, if there's a shock in it; + Prefer our heroine angular, her eye must have a cock in it, + Unless she's dull and middle-aged, no sympathy have _we_ with her, + Her sole excitement is to ask a plainer friend to tea with her! + + He thinks, were _Pickwick_ written now, we'd view it with a cooler + eye, + And term the Trial Scene a piece of "riotous tomfoolery;" + While _Jane Eyre's_ thrilling narrative of _Rochester's_ sad + revelries + Of "shilling shockers" scarcely would to-day above the level rise! + + An age that's given up its gas to read by Electricity + Would naturally be repelled by THACKERAY'S causticity, + And scorn the characters of SCOTT, because they had Glengarries on, + An inference which is obvious--to Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON! + + How scathingly does he denounce our Literature degenerate, + With not a real Romancer left--or only two at any rate! + By "desperate expedients," each the old tradition carries on-- + "But it's no good"--as they're informed by Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON. + + For Mr. STEVENSON can write no stories worth hurraying at, + While he upon Pacific Isle persists in _Crusoe_ playing at! + And Mr. KIPLING's ceased to count--no heart in what he does is + there-- + He longs for death in far Soudan, a-fighting Fuzzy-Wuzzies there! + + So we've only Mr. MEREDITH--(oh, what a sad disgrace it is!) + Though Mr. BLACKMORE writes romance--how poor and commonplace it is! + While Messrs. THOMAS HARDY, BLACK, and BESANT, it would seem, are + all + Unworthy serious notice, mere nonentities ephemeral! + + Some people like Miss BRADDON, Mrs. OLIPHANT, Miss BROUGHTON, too. + They're only lady-novelists--so serious readers _oughtn't_ to, + And those who've been convinced by his invidious comparisons, + In future will eschew romance--excepting Mr. HARRISON'S. + + * * * * * + +THE DARWINIAN THEORY EXEMPLIFIED.--At the Zoo is now being exhibited +"Three White-tailed Gnus,"--"The Latest Gnus." with the best possible +intelligence,--"and a Black-capped Gibbon." This last is evidently a +descendant of the great historian; though, if this exemplifies "the +survival of the fittest," where are the others of the race? Then +"Black-capped" sounds ominous, as if this particular Gibbon stood +self-condemned, and was soon to disappear. Should this be the case, +the Zoo Authorities ought to advertise the fact, and give visitors a +chance before it is too late. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday Night May 1._--Demonstrated in Debate on +Second Reading Home-Rule Bill that House may talk and talk through +twelve long nights, and not affect single vote--not even SAUNDERS'S. +To-night shown how a single speech may cause to collapse what was +expected and intended to be big Debate. It was Mr. G. performed the +miracle. Looked in at House on his way from Downing Street, where +he had received deputation on Eight Hours Question, and delivered +important speech. That might have served as day's work for ordinary +man, Mr. G., not to put too fine a point upon it, is not ordinary man. +Being here, sat listening to DILKE with close attention. DILKE thinks +time has come to evacuate Egypt. Stated his case in luminous speech; +sustained his reputation of knowing more about Egyptian Question than +most men except perhaps TOMMY BOWLES. + +Mr. G. made no outward and visible sign of intention to follow; took +no notes, and sometimes, as he sat with drooping arms and closed eyes, +seemed to sleep. DILKE done and down, he sat bolt upright, looked +round with almost startled air, "Well, really," he seemed to be saying +to himself, "since I am here, and no one else is disposed to follow, I +might as well say a few words." + +Spoke for half an hour, without reference to a note, and without +faltering for a word. Preserved throughout that studious assumption +of having accidentally looked in which marked his appearance at +table. Evidently desired to minimise as much as possible importance +of occasion. Subject broached, he was, possibly, expected to say +something; certainly not going to make a speech, much less deliver +oration. Carried out this subtle fancy to such extent that, pitching +voice on low conversational tone, sometimes difficult to catch full +length of sentences. This added to impressiveness of scene. Crowded +House sitting breathless; Members opposite leaning forward lest +they might miss a phrase. Everyone conscious that at the door also +listening were jealous France, the wily Turk, the interested Egyptian, +the not entirely disinterested CZAR, and the other Great Powers +concerned for peace of Europe. + +Mr. G., for all his affectation of unpremeditation, evidently had in +mind these listeners at the door. To their shadowy presence was, for +him, added consciousness of keen eyes watching him from all quarters +of the House; some of his friends waiting for sign of readiness to +quit Egypt; the Opposition ready to catch at any token of tendency to +scuttle. Occasional passages he delivered at rapid rate; but you could +see him weighing every word with due consideration of these manifold +and conflicting interests and influences. + +When he sat down, there was consciousness that the massive figure of +important Debate that had loomed over House whilst DILKE was speaking +had melted away. JOKIM and GORST had intended to speak from Front +Bench; great authorities on Foreign Policy in other parts of House +had proposed to say something, more or less soothing. Mr. G. had left +nothing for anyone to say, unless it were ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, and the +TALENTED TOMMY, who, sitting immediately opposite the PREMIER, had, +whilst he spoke, taken voluminous notes, only occasionally withdrawing +eyes from manuscript to fix them with look of calm distrust upon the +aged and unconscious statesman. + +"I always like, when I look in," said MARJORIBANKS, smiling +beneficently from the Bar, "to find TOMMY in his place, taking notes. +Gives one a sense of security. I feel, when I'm in the Lobby, looking +after things, it's all right in the House. BROWNING said something of +that sort. Don't remember exactly how it ran; something in this way: + + TOMMY BOWLES is in his place; + It's all right with the Empire." + +_Business done._--Mr. G. excelled himself. + +_Tuesday._--Seven-leagued Boots not needed by TALENTED TOMMY. He moves +about universe with ease and grace, unmindful of mountains, regardless +of ravines, reckless of rivers, oblivious of oceans. Last night, Forty +Centuries looked down upon him whilst he showed how, in Egypt, Mr. G. +is wrong, and DILKE, who criticised Ministerial policy, is not right. +To-night he stands on the Roof of the World, a solitary, colossal +figure upright on the lone Pamirs. His attitude is of manifold +mien. Defiant of Russia, suspicious of ROSEBERY, patronising towards +Afghanistan, he takes young China familiarly by the elbow, and bids +it be of good cheer, for TOMMY BOWLES is its friend. Since NAPOLEON +crossed the Alps, and was caught in the act by the brush of the +painter, the world has not seen so moving a picture as TOMMY throned +on the grandly desolate Pamirs. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PATRON OF OLD CHINA. (_Vide "China Bowles +Collection."_)] + + * * * * * + +House almost empty whilst the Talented One discoursed on the subject. +Mr. G., who misses nothing, happily in his place, listening with +eager hand at ear whilst TOMMY spoke familiarly of Asiatic rivers +and mountains, not one with name of less than five syllables. DICKY +TEMPLE, who really knows something about this mysterious region, +looked on in blank amazement at TOMMY'S erudition. EDWARD GREY, who +would presently have to answer this damaging attack, tried to seem +indifferent. But his young cheek paled when TOMMY put his ruthless +finger on that Foreign Office dispatch, out of which a line of print +had been dropped. This a Machiavellian device that had hitherto +escaped detection. TOMMY'S falcon eye had noted it, his relentless +foot had followed up the tracks, and he had discovered, on reference +to the original, that the criminally-deleted line of print embodied +a reference to the Oxus. That was all. "Only the Oxus!" he said, +with withering sarcasm. Then changing his tone and manner, he shook +a minatory forefinger at the shrinking form of the PREMIER, and cried +aloud, in voice strengthened with long warring with the winds on the +Pamirs: "Sir, the stream of the Oxus has been entirely omitted from +this paragraph." + +"Poor Mr. G.!" said W. J. LOWTHER, present in his capacity as +Ex-Under-Secretary for Foreign Affairs. "What with LABBY one night and +TOMMY BOWLES the next, he has a sad time of it." + +"Yes," said PLUNKET, sole companion on the Front Bench. "It's a hard +fate for a Prime Minister to stand between L. and TOMMY." + +_Business done._--Miscellaneous talk on going into Committee of +Supply. + +_Thursday._--Little difficulty arisen in connection with Budget. +SQUIRE faced by deficit of million and half. This he met by expedient +that will be historical, as affording JOKIM opportunity for a popular +jape. The SQUIRE has dropped his penny in the slot, in accordance with +directions, pulls out the drawer, and finds there is something more +than the sum necessary to balance the year's account. That is all +very well; but there are some amateur CHANCELLORS of the EXCHEQUER who +would do great things with the odd £20,000 or £30,000 which remains as +surplus. CLARK wants Graduated Income-tax; BARTLEY proposes Abatement +on Incomes below £200; whilst GRANT LAWSON would let farmers off with +half the proposed increase. Best of all is, ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS, who +would straightway abolish the tax on tea. The keen insight of ALPHEUS +notes the little difficulty about the deficit. + +"The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER," he observed, in his most judicial +manner, "may ask me to suggest another source of revenue." The SQUIRE +pricked up his ears; the Committee sat attentive. If ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS +had given his great mind to consideration of the subject, it might be +regarded as settled. All waited for his next utterances. "That," he +continued, in steely tones, "is the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER'S +business. Mine is to carry out the Newcastle Programme." ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS thereupon resumed his seat, leaving the SQUIRE gloomily +facing the dead wall of his deficit. + +_Business done._--Budget Bill passed report stage. + +_Friday Night._--Some young bloods below Gangway, on Ministerial side, +in distinctly low spirits. On Tuesday night, stage of Budget Bill +being taken, with ten minutes to spare, ASQUITH nimbly moved reference +of Employers' Liability Bill to Grand Committee. Opposition, who want +it referred to Select Committee, were under impression Mr. G. had +promised discussion should not be taken till Thursday or Friday. Last +night CHAMBERLAIN protested that they had been betrayed, and deceived. +Young bloods below Gangway disposed to chuckle over this spectacle. +Mr. G., on contrary, takes it seriously to heart. Having got Bill +referred to Grand Committee, positively agrees to rescind Order, and +begin all over again. + +"It's very seldom," says the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, in most +melancholy mood, "that our side show themselves capable of doing a +smart thing. When, by chance, it is accomplished, Mr. G. comes along, +and coolly undoes it." + +To-day, nearly two hours spent in discussing question; Bill, +eventually, remitted to Grand Committee, as it had been left at +midnight on Tuesday. + +"Shan't play!" cries CHAMBERLAIN. "All very well for you, with your +majority, to bowl us over, but you won't gain any time by it. You may +take a horse to the Grand Committee, but you can't make him discuss +your Bill." + +_Business done._--Budget Bill through. + + * * * * * + +Q. E. D. + +(_By a Grumpy Old Bachelor._) + + "'Tis a mad world, my masters!" Grim LOMBROSO + Corroborates mild SHAKSPEARE in this matter. + And, though _his_ demonstration seems but so-and-so, + No doubt the world's as mad as any hatter, + The sweeter sex especially! 'Tis sad, + But that rule's absolute, depend upon it! + 'Tis obvious all women _must_ be mad, + Because--there is a "b" in _every_ bonnet! + + * * * * * + +WILDER IDEAS; + +_Or, Conversation as she is spoken at the Haymarket._ + +_The Disciple._ Ah, that supper after the Theatre! It was the +unspeakable following the unplayable. I feel so seedy! + +_The Master._ Nay, but have I not told you that the two letters to +follow "X. S." are "S. and B.?" And you have yourself said that "Soda +and Brandy is the last refuge of the--digestion." + +_The Disciple._ Hang it! I can survive everything--except the cast-off +clothes of my own epigrams,--or, by the bye, death. + +[_Exit from this life, to prove it._ + + * * * * * + +Mem. on the Behring-Sea Business. + + A Forty-hours' speech by magniloquent CARTER! + That Behring Tribunal has caught a Tartar! + Whatever the upshot one cannot but feel + 'Tis a fine illustration of "Say and Seal!" + Though _Bunsby_ might say of this lengthy oration, + "The _Behring_ will lie in the application." + + * * * * * + +APPROPRIATE SONG (_for anybody connected with the Tourist-Managing +firm of Gaze, on hearing a Lady say that she was "going to try a +Cook."_) + + "Ah me! she has gone from our Gaze, + That beautiful girl from our door!" + +(_The remainder can be added ad libitum, and sung whenever opportunity +permits._) + + * * * * * + +"A MOVE ON THE BOARD" IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.--Our Surprising +School-Board has voted in favour of allowing its Industrial School +youths to enjoy "reasonable recreation" on Sundays. Its version of Sir +WILLIAM JONES'S distich would be something as follows:-- + + The morn at Church, the afternoon at play, + Will serve to while the Day of Rest away. + +Apparently it looks favourably on a modicum of Sunday Cricket or +Football, and does not taboo even the enormity of Lawn-tennis. +As against that eminently strict Sabbatarian, Mrs. GRUNDY, the +tennis-player may defend himself by a reference to the "services" in +which he is engaged. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OBVIOUS. + +"WANT ANYTHING ON IT, SIR?" + +"YES--CONFOUND YOU! MORE HAIR!"] + + * * * * * + +A SWINBURNE! + +(_See "Nineteenth Century."_) + + I. + + Three times one are always three; + Waves are stormy on the sea; + Bonnets oft contain a bee; + Bear delights in bun. + The ALGERNON, that ever + Is linked to CHARLES, shall never + From poet SWINBURNE sever, + The three appear as one. + + II. + + Once he lashed and slashed the Priest, + Chopped him up to make a feast, + Called him brute and called him beast, + Black as crows are black. + But now he rhymes "together" + (See CALVERLY) with "weather": + He might have thrown in "heather," + A rhyme that men call "hack." + + III. + + Clash the cymbal, beat the gong; + Sense is weak, but sound is strong; + Such is SWINBURNE'S latest song, + Made by him alone. + See WATTS and KNOWLES around us,-- + JAMES KNOWLES with cheques hath bound us + To write; the Muse hath found us + With Putney Hill as throne. + + IV. + + When the wind's Nor-West by West, + Man and beast are rarely blessed. + Sometimes I like mutton best, + Often I like veal. + A poet (_not_ a puny 'un) + Who raves about the Union, + And hymns the States Communion, + Takes none the less his meal. + + * * * * * + +In the City. Thursday Last. + +_First Member of Stock Exchange_ (_Unionist_). I say, JONES, you +weren't in it! Why didn't you join us marching in procession, with +CLARKE carrying the Union Jack, eh? + +_Second Member of the House._ Why didn't I join you? Because I didn't +want to make a Union-Jack-ass of myself! + +[_Exit, before the retort is possible._ + + * * * * * + +A Pair of Spectacles. + +(_After hearing a much interrupted Speech in the Commons._) + + When a batsman has to go + To the tent with a "round O," + He knows _he's_ not made a hit. + When a Statesman's hitting well, + The round "Oh's" around him swell + (Dullards' substitutes for wit). + In debate or cricket score, + The "round O" means _nought_--no more! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +_Fair Hostess._ "GOOD-NIGHT, MAJOR JONES. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BREAKFAST +AT NINE; BUT WE'RE NOT VERY PUNCTUAL PEOPLE. INDEED, THE LATER YOU +APPEAR TO-MORROW MORNING, THE BETTER PLEASED WE SHALL ALL BE!"] + + * * * * * + +May 10, 1893. + +MR. PUNCH'S VISION AT THE OPENING OF THE IMPERIAL INSTITUTE. + + _This Spring's soft beauty is a joy for ever; + Its loveliness increases; it will never + Pass to forgetfulness; we still must keep + Fond memories of this Maytime, calm as sleep + Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing. + Therefore, on this May morning are we wreathing + A flowery band, to bind us round the earth, + Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth + Of patriot natures, Mammen-ridden days, + And Toil's unhealthy and o'erdarkened ways + Made for our mending: yes, in spite of all + This Mayday Vision moves away the pall + From our dark spirits!_ + + KEATS _adapted to the occasion._ + + Thy pardon, _Adonais_, pray, + That on this memorable morning + We twist those lovely lines astray, + As modish maid, her charms adorning + A trail may twine of eglantine + Into the formal "set" of Fashion. + Yet wouldst thou gladly lend thy line + To present need; for patriot passion, + Love of the little sea-girt land, + Has ever fired our English singers. + Of England's fame, from strand to strand, + Their songs have been the widest wingers. + So, _Adonais_, this great day + Were "Welcome as the flowers in May!" + + The "flowery band" of KEATS'S song + Our Empire's sons to-day are wreathing; + Long may it bind, and blossom long. + The May-flower's fragrance round us breathing + Is nothing sweeter than the thought + To patriot hearts of loyal union. + Together we have toiled and fought, + But gay to-day is our communion. + BRITANNIA'S helm is crowned with flowers, + BRITANNIA'S trident's wreathed with posies, + And Fancy sees in Flora's showers + Thistles and Shamrocks blent with Roses. + The Indian Lotus let us twine + With gorgeous bloom from Afric's jungles + Canadian Birch with Austral Pine. + Tape-bound Officialdom oft bungles; + Some blow too hot, some breathe too cold, + O'er-chill are some, and some o'er-gushing; + But the same blood-stream, warm and bold, + Through all our veins is ever rushing; + And so to all true hearts to-day + Comes "Welcome as the flowers in May!" + + A QUEEN is with us, to evince + Imperial sympathy unfailing; + And pleasant to our genial PRINCE + This proof that all seems now plainsailing; + With his great purpose. Some sneered, "Whim!" + But general shouts now drown their sneering. + A special salvo's due to _him_ + Amidst to-day's exuberant cheering. + Hail the Imperial Institute! + And hail the patient Prince promoter! + The man who's neither cynic brute, + Nor phrase-led sycophantic doter, + May echo that. Our patriot tap + Is old, well-kept and genuine stingo; + Not the chill quidnunc's cold cat-lap, + Nor crude fire-water of the Jingo, + But sound as good old English ale, + Full-bodied, fragrant, mild, and mellow. + To try that tap _Punch_ will not fail, + Nor any other right good fellow. + A bumper of that draught to-day + Is "Welcome as the flowers in May!" + + Weave on! And may that "flowery band" + Be surer bond than forged steel fetters. + Ho! Hands all round! Whilst hand-in-hand + We need not fear the fierce sword-whetters + Who'd make the pleasant earth a camp, + And stain blood-red the white May-flowers. + May echoes of no mailèd tramp + Disturb ye in your Spring-deck'd bowers, + Glad garland-weavers! Heaven bestow + "Sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing," + One thing above all others know, + Ye who the earth-round band are wreathing, + To-day, to-morrow, _any_ day, + You're "Welcome as the flowers in May!" + + * * * * * + +"PLAYING THE DUSE."--MR. HORACE SEDGER announces the engagement at the +Lyric of Mlle. DUSE. The Manager must be prosperous; at all events, +_he_ is not going to the Duse, but the Duse is coming to him. And as +to the Theatre--well, if it isn't a success, the Duse is in it! + + * * * * * + +"SHE ANSWERED 'YUSS'!"--The most recent and most important change of +name is from "I MAY" to "I WILL." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAY 10, 1893. + +"THEREFORE ON THIS BRIGHT MAY DAY ARE WE WREATHING A FLOWERY BAND TO +BIND US ROUND THE EARTH."--KEATS, _slightly altered._] + + * * * * * + +THANK YOU! + +(_For a Photograph, inscribed "With Ethel Travers's kind regards."_) + +[Illustration] + + It was only a week in the brightest of summers, + We played tennis and golf, and, when ended the day, + We made furious love as two amateur mummers, + Whilst Act IV. saw us One in the orthodox way. + + So my holiday ended. I begged a reminder, + I asked you to send me a portrait that should + Be a sweet recollection, and you, who were kinder + Than I ever deserved or dared hope, said you would. + + Then we parted. Life seemed to be painfully lonely, + Though I dreamt of a future with you by my side, + Till my common-sense seemed to say, "_You_, who are only, + Just a poor needy teacher, have _Her_ for a bride!" + + It was true, and I knew it. Yet why had I met you? + Why had Fate kept such bitter-sweet fortune in store? + So determined I set myself then to forget you, + And to let my thoughts dwell on yourself nevermore. + + First your hair with its gold, next your eyes with their laughter, + I forgot in a thoroughly workman-like style. + Persevering, I never desisted till after + Many months I but faintly remembered your smile. + + I completely forgot you (I thought) and the warning + Was to save me, I chortled, a future of pain, + But you undid it all with your picture this morning, + And the same old, old trouble starts over again. + + The Fates are a trifle hard, putting it mildly, + For they well might have spared me this finishing touch + Of your portrait, which speaking quite calmly yet Wildely, + I admire all the more since I hate it so much. + + I shall treasure it, though. Thanks--a thousand--to you, dear. + When in sweet meditation your fancy runs free, + Is it asking too much that a stray thought or two, dear, + From your kindness of heart may come straying to me? + + * * * * * + +POLITICS AND POLITENESS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that the Duke of ARGYLL, when he received the +freedom of the Burgh of Paisley, the other day, told the following +interesting story:-- + + "I was going once to call on a lady in London, and when the + door was opened and the servant announced my name, I saw + the lady advancing to the door with a look of absolute + consternation on her face. I could not conceive what + had happened, and thought I had entered her room at some + inconvenient moment, but, on looking over her shoulder, I + perceived Mr. and Mrs. GLADSTONE sitting at the tea-table, and + she evidently thought that there would be some great explosion + when we met. She was greatly gratified when nothing of the + kind occurred, and we enjoyed a cup of tea as greatly as we + had ever done in our lives." + +Now, my dear _Mr. Punch_, I have great sympathy with "the Lady," and +think (with her) the meeting, as described by his Grace of ARGYLL, was +mild in the extreme. If something out of the common had taken place, +it would have been far more satisfactory. To make my meaning plainer, +I give roughly (in dramatic form) what should have happened to have +made the action worthy of the occasion. + +SCENE--_A Drawing-room. Lady entertaining_ Mr. _and_ Mrs. G. _at tea. +A loud knock heard without._ + +_Mrs. G._ (_greatly agitated_). Oh dear, I am sure it is he! + +_Mr. G._ (_with calm dignity_). Do not fear--if he appears, I shall +know how to deal with him. + +_Lady_ (_pale but calm_). Nay, my good, kind friends, believe me, you +shall not suffer from the indiscretion of the servant. + +_Mrs. G._ (_pushing her husband into a cupboard_). Nay, WILLIAM, for +my sake! And now to conceal myself, so that he may not suspect his +presence by my proximity. [_Hides behind the curtains._ + +_The Duke of Argyll_ (_breaking open the door, and entering +hurriedly_). And now, Madam, where is my hated foe? I have tracked him +to this house. It is useless to attempt to conceal him. + +_The Lady_ (_laughing uneasily_). Nay, your Grace, you are too +facetious! Trace the PREMIER here! Next you will be saying that he and +his good lady were taking tea with me. + +_The Duke_ (_suspiciously_). And, no doubt, so they were! This empty +cup, that half-devoured muffin--to whom do they belong? + +_The Lady_ (_with forced gaiety_). Might I not have entertained Mr. +and Mrs. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, my Lord Duke? + +_The Duke_ (_aside_). Can I believe her? (_Aloud._) But if it is as +you say, I will send away my clansmen who throng the street without. +(_Opens window and calls._) _Gang a waddy Caller Herring!_ They will +now depart. (_A sneeze heard off._) What was that? + +_The Lady_ (_terrified_). I fancy it was the wind--the cold wind--and +now, believe me, Mr. GLADSTONE will abandon Home Rule. + +_Mr. G._ (_suddenly appearing_). Never! I tell you to your face that +you are a traitor! [_Sneezes, and hurriedly closes the window._ + +_The Duke_ (_savagely_). That sneeze shall be your last! + +[_Takes up a knife lying on the table._ + +_Mr. G._ (_repeating the action_). I am ready, Sir! + +_Mrs. G._ (_rushing between them_). Oh, WILLIAM! Do not fight! + +_The Lady_ (_falling on her knees_). I prithee stay! + +_Mr. G._ Never! May the better man win! + +_The Duke._ So be it! + +[_The Scene closes in upon a desperate duel. Curtain._ + +_There, Mr. Punch!_ What do you think of that? Still, perhaps, under +the circumstances of the case, it is better as it is. + + Yours most truly, + ONE WHO NEVER PAID TWOPENCE FOR MANNERS. + + * * * * * + +THE LITIGANT'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ Can you tell me the best possible regulations in the +universe? + +_Answer._ Certainly English Common Law. + +_Q._ Is English Common Law accessible to everyone? + +_A._ Certainly, and if a litigant please, he or she (for sex makes no +difference) can become his or her own advocate. + +_Q._ When a litigant prefers to conduct a case in person, does the +proceeding invariably save expense? + +_A._ Not invariably, because a litigant may have odd views about the +importance of evidence and the time of professional advisers. + +_Q._ When a litigant is afflicted with this lack of knowledge what is +the customary result? + +_A._ That the defendants have to undergo the expense of a +several-days' trial with counsel to match. + +_Q._ Supposing that a journalist, sharply but justly, criticises the +actions of a man of straw--what can the man of straw do? + +_A._ With the aid of some speculative Solicitor, he can commence an +action for libel. + +_Q._ What benefit does the speculative Solicitor obtain? + +_A._ The speculative Solicitor, if he can persuade a judge and jury +to agree, will get his costs, and if the journalist wins he will find +that the prosecutor or plaintiff is, indeed, a man of straw. + +_Q._ Is there any redress? + +_A._ None; but a wise journalist will never criticise sharply. + + * * * * * + +THE PICK OF THE R.A. PICTURES. No. 2. + +No. 139. _Ça donne à penser._ Not a more suggestive pose does any +portrait possess throughout the Galleries. It is described _tout +court_ as "ALBERT BRASSEY, Esq.," and 'tis the work (and the pleasure) +of W. W. OULESS, R.A. "'Tis a fine work!" says BOB to 'ARRY. "O' +course," returns 'ARRY JOKER. "Great! _'Ow less_ could be expected of +'im tho', I dun no." It represents an undecided moment in Mr. ALBERT +BRASSEY'S life. It is as if he were Mr. "_All but_" BRASSEY, +and wasn't quite certain of what he should do next. There is the +writing-desk,--shall he indite a letter? If he does so, shall he +take off his thick-fur coat? Or shall he go hunting, since he has on, +underneath the furrin' fur, the pink of hunting perfection? Likewise +he has his whip and his horn, also his boots! He's "got 'em on!" He's +"got 'em _all_ on!" Or shall he hail the 5,000-ton yacht that's lying +in the roads just a few yards from his open window, and go out for a +cruise? He looks happy, but puzzled. + +[Illustration: No. 543. _The_ Picture of the Year. Lamp-light reading; +or, Mr. Punch among the Pretty Pets. "_Dulce est dissipere in joco_." +H. H. La Thangue.] + +No. 167. _The Right Hon. H. H. Fowler, M.P._ "Presentation Portrait," +painted by ARTHUR S. COPE. "When the Right Hon. Gentleman rose to +speak, the House, with the exception of a clerk at the table and +two small boys (whose presence within the precincts has never been +satisfactorily accounted for) was empty."--_Extract from The Imaginary +Times Parliamentary Report of that date._ + +No. 350. _Mrs. Keeley at the age of Eighty-six._ Looking so well and +sprightly, that the Artist must have been at considerable pains to +induce her to sit still just one moment for her portrait. Long may she +remain with us! Our compliments to the Artist, JULIA B. FOLKARD. + +No. 434. Mr. SOMERSCALES has given us the best sea-piece of the year. +It shows a "_Corvette shortening sail to pick up a shipwrecked crew_." +"A sale in sight appeared!"--and as the picture, so it is said, was +immediately sold, so also were those who came too late to make a bid. + +No. 524. _Gentleman writing._ "A nice quiet corner for a little +composition away from all those speaking likenesses." J. W. FORSTER. + +No. 533. This is a sad-looking little girl, painted by WILLIAM CARTER. +She has an unsettled expression. Is she suffering from what the Clown +calls "teezy-weezies-in-the-pandenoodles," and, as Sir JOHN MILLAIS'S +"_Bubbles_" served P**RS for an advertisement, is it beyond the range +of probability that this, being associated with the name of "CARTER," +should be intended as a pictorial advertisement for the well-known +"L-ttle L-v-r P-lls"? + +No. 535. Portrait (presumably) of _C. R. Fletcher Lutwidge, Esq._ By +ST. GEORGE HARE. Ha! Ha! Ha! By St. George you Ha're bound to laugh +directly you look at it. You can't help it. "C. R. F. L." is chuckling +to himself and saying, "Ha! Ha! I've just thought of _such_ a funny +thing! Ha! Ha! Ha!" And he _is_ enjoying it so! As the song says, "O +Mister (I forget the name), what a funny little man you are!" + +No. 553. This, by Mr. MARKHAM SKIPWORTH, is a portrait of _Dr. E. Ker +Gray, LL.D_ of St. George's Chapel, Mayfair. "KER GRAY!" it ought to +be "Ker Scarlet." + +No. 862. _Portrait of a Gentleman_, by PHIL R. MORRIS, A. The +Portrait, annoyed at being next to SIDNEY COOPER'S, R A., "_Be it ever +so humble, &c._," representing head of a jackass, and some sheepish +sheep, is evidently saying to itself, "Hang the Hanging Committee! +They show me as next door to a donkey." + +No. 888. _The Wedding Gifts._ The pretty Bride is a bit frightened at +seeing the Groom leading up two bare-back'd steeds. "Oh!" she cries, +"I can't ride _them_! Why (_to her husband_) did you give me these?" +"My dear," says he, "why not? Here are the bare-backed steeds, and +you've already got the Ring." S. E. WALLER. + +No. 892. "_Your Health!_" A Birthday Party at Mr. ERNEST HART'S. +Painted by S. J. SOLOMON. As a subject, the wisdom of SOLOMON is +questionable as a specimen of Hacademie Hart--ahem! However, to the +toast of "_Your Health_!" as addressed to Mr. ERNEST HART, Master SOL +might have added the words, "_Most Ernestly and Hartily_." + +No. 928. _Exhibition of Miss Biffin_, "who has no legs to speak of." +"If you saw my ancles," said _Miss Mowcher_, "I should go home and +kill myself." But ARTHUR HACKER, whose capital work it is, calls it +"_Circe_." + +No. 937. "_It might have been_," by F. STUART SINDICI, represents +NAPOLEON and WELLINGTON out walking together, in 1847, near the Horse +Guards. "It might have been" _if_ .... But it wasn't--though F. STUART +SINDICI went nap on it, and dreamt it. Why shouldn't JULIUS CÆSAR and +Lord BROUGHAM have hobnobbed together over Pommery '74 at FRASCATI'S +in Regent Street, or why shouldn't the Great Duke of MARLBOROUGH and +Admiral HAMILCAR of Carthage, after leaving _Hoi Adelphoi_ at the +theatre, have taken supper at RULE'S in Maiden Lane? Why not? "It +might have been"--of course; why, when you come to think of it, +there's hardly anything that mightn't have been, _if_ it had only +taken place. Such possible subjects would fill the most vast picture +gallery in the _Château d'If_. + +[Illustration: An Artist's work "on the Line."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PICK OF THE PICTURES. + +(_New Gallery, Regent Street. Summary of Sixth Summer Exhibition._)] + +[Illustration: No. 40. The Bather Bothered. Appropriately painted by +Mr. Waterhouse, R.A. "Why," exclaims the horrified nymph, "he's lying +on my clothes!"] + +[Illustration: No. 216. Night-Mares. Neptune's Horses, but more +suggestive of Night Mares. Walter Crane.] + +[Illustration: No. 22. "Mr. G." in Churchwarden Church. "Here endeth +the Second Reading." Sydney P. Hall.] + +[Illustration: No. 195. Hurried Moments! An Elopement!! "Never mind +your things!" he shouted, at the same time that, catching her up and +holding her in his strong right arm, he started off at a fast run. +"Better to lose your clothes than miss your train!" C. W. Mitchell.] + +[Illustration: No. 27. Posed and Painful! Standing for her photograph, +and feels that the head-rest is no rest for the head. J. J. Shannon.] + +[Illustration: No. 96. The Haunted Glen; or, The Bird-nesting +Trespasser Conscience-struck. "Oh! I'll pretend I don't see them!" +Hon. John Collier.] + +[Illustration: No. 92. "'Fling' Defiance!" Professor Herkomer's +Heel-and-toe lads, "Jock and Charlie," back themselves against (No. +108) Mr. Alfred Hartley's "Harry and Neil,'" sons of Lord Rosebery, +attired as they are for a reel or a fling, or any form of National +Sc(h)ottische dance.] + +PICK OF THE PICTURES. + +(_New Gallery--continued._) + +No. 11. "_Her First Ball_;" or, "_Train 'em up in the way she should +bowl_." Portrait of little girl preparing to be a Lady-Cricketer. She +has the ball in her hands, and is only waiting to cry out "Play!" G. +P. JACOMB-HOOD. + + +No. 15. _Charming Picture of Nobody Nowhere_, Miss ANNA ALMA-TADEMA. + +No. 20. _Portrait of W. Matthew Hale, Esq._ By JOHN PARKER. "All +Hale!" + +No. 37. "_Silver Mist._" This ought to have been the picture of a +gentleman in search of a threepenny piece; but it isn't. FRED HALL. + +No. 66. _The Departing Guest._ E. BURNE-JONES. + + The ending of the party see, + "O let us get a cab for thee!" + "Nay," quoth the guest, "I've wings! so I, + Like to the trout, will take a fly." + +No. 112. _Alderman J. Stone-Wigg._ First Mayor of Tunbridge Wells. + + Indeed you look an Alderman, + 'Tis true I've seen a balder man. + "J. STONE-WIGG" is the name I see, + Which "Lost or Stolen-Wig" should be. + +No. 160. _Portrait of Lady Simpson. Bravo_, Mr. VAL PRINSEP, A.R.A. +Uncommonly good. A parody of the old song should have been selected by +the Artist as a motto for the picture:-- + + Lady SIMPSON has a dog-- + I don't know its name-- + Pretty tail has dog, _incog._ + Ribands round the same. + +No. 170. "_The Spirit of Life._" By ARCHIE MACGREGOR. "Eh, ARCHIE +mon! aiblins, 'tis just the whusky-still the Leddie's at, takin' a wee +drappit i' the 'ee. And why did ye nae ca' it, 'Still Life'"? + +No. 177. _Portrait of Mrs. George Lewis._ Excellent, Mr. +Colour-SARGENT! N.B.--Very few "Sergeants" left; but Mr. GEORGE LEWIS +has secured the best of them to paint this portrait. + +No. 194. Very charming is "_The Closing of an October Day._" By GEORGE +H. BROUGHTON, A.R.A. He has caught the "Early Closing Movement" to the +life. + +No. 242. "_In the Grip of the Sea-Wolf_"; or, "_Early Bathing at +Boulogne_." E. M. HALE. + +No. 324. And a good Judge too! _Portrait of Sir Douglas Straight._ The +DOUGLAS, "bearded in his den"! Quarter (Sessions) Length. Sad end to a +distinguished career to be "quartered, drawn, and hung"! Congratulate +Artist, Miss VERA CHRISTIE, on good likeness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY. + +_British Tourist_ (_who has been served with a Pig's foot_). "WHAT'S +THIS? I ORDERED QUAIL!" + +_Negro Waiter._ "WALL--Y'EV GOT QUAIL!" + +_British Tourist_. "QUAIL! WHY A QUAIL'S A BIRD!" + +_Negro Waiter._ "NOT HERE!"] + + * * * * * + +Anti-Epidemic Treatment. + +(_Being Summary of Robson Roosetem Pasha's Article in New Review._) + + Boil Bacillus, + Or he'll kill us. + From Filter filthy grown + Don't drink water, + Save rates per quarter, + And so "Leave _well_ alone." + + * * * * * + +COMPANION WORKS.--Shortly to appear: _My Wife's Bodice_. By the Author +of _His Wife's Soul_. + + * * * * * + +TO MY UMBRELLA. + + Good, faithful friend, it seems an age + Since last we met and walked together! + Upon the _Daily Graphic's_ page + For weeks I've watched the coming weather; + + The meteorologic girl, + Despite cold arms, seemed almost jolly, + And made no effort to unfurl + That wonderful archaic brolly. + + So I, grown reckless, did as she. + And gave you quite a Long Vacation; + Such weather cannot always be, + Or you would lose your occupation. + + Think how I've treated you! A pet + Might envy all the care I gave you; + When worn-out with work and wet, + Think how I did my best to save you! + + You soon looked well, and eased my fears-- + Recovered after over-pressure. + When you "took silk" in other years, + Think what I paid for each "refresher"! + + When last it rained I had to roll + You up quite wet; you've been forgotten. + It rains once more. What's this? A hole? + By Jove, the silk's completely rotten! + + * * * * * + +THE STAGE-COACH FIASCO.--The Meet, which was ordered for 11:30 last +Thursday, wasn't done, and so there was no Lunch. + + * * * * * + +ON THE INCOME-TAX. + +[By an already over-burdened tax-payer who derived neither +enlightenment nor comfort from the wordy war about a "Graduated +Income-Tax" between Mr. BARTLEY and Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT.] + + "Graduation" seems vexation, + "Differentiation" looks as bad. + Their the-o-rie + It puzzles me. + But their _practice_ drives me mad! + + * * * * * + +"THAT'S SWEAR IT IS!"--In bygone days, when the Princess's was under +the management of Mr. and Mrs. CHARLES KEAN, there was a fine imposed +on any member of the company who should make use of bad language +in the Green-Room. One evening a distinguished actor so far forgot +himself as to let slip an expletive of three simple letters, whereat +Mrs. KEAN held up her hands in horror and quitted the room, followed +by the actresses who happened to be present. Subsequently some wag at +the Garrick Club wrote a song whereof the burden was "The Man who said +'dam' in the Green-Room." _Tempora mutantur_, and now, at the Avenue +Theatre, under the management of Mr. and Mrs. KENDAL in the Green-Room +and behind the scenes, as well as on the stage, "DAM" will be in +everyone's mouth, as this happens to be the name of the Author of +their latest successful production. + + * * * * * + +THE NEWEST TALE OF A TUB. + +(_By a Sufferer from the Modern Laundry System._) + + Rub-a-rub-rub! + Three ghouls at a tub: + Our shirts and our collars they savagely scrub. + The fronts they make baggéd, + The wristbands quite jaggéd, + And send home our linen all rotten and ragged! + + Scrub-a-scrub-scrub! + Three fiends at a tub: + In chemical bleachings they dabble and grub. + Our shirts each bespatters + Then brush them to tatters. + The wearers get mad as March hares or as hatters! + + Rub-a-scrub-scrub! + Three hags at a tub: + They scrape with a wire-brush, and pound with a club! + Smash buttons, burst stitches, + And--swell Laundry riches! + _Who'll save us from this cauldron-tub's dread Three Witches?_ + + * * * * * + +The Stock Exchange, _Mr. Punch_ understands, has gone into politics. +With a view to test the knowledge of the brokers who "proceshed" to +the Guildhall, he asks them,--What is the Commission upon Evicted +Tenants? All sellers, no buyers. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Sundry broken punctuation has been corrected. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +104, MAY 13, 1893*** + + +******* This file should be named 26708-8.txt or 26708-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/7/0/26708 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://www.gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |