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diff --git a/26454.txt b/26454.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58ef939 --- /dev/null +++ b/26454.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1464 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +May 6, 1893, by Various, Edited by F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, May 6, 1893 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: August 28, 2008 [eBook #26454] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOLUME 104, MAY 6, 1893*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 26454-h.htm or 26454-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/4/5/26454/26454-h/26454-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/4/5/26454/26454-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 104, MAY 6TH 1893 + +edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + + + + + +A PATHETIC LAMENT. + + (_Respectfully addressed to one of the Promoters of the + Anti-Advertisement League by a Repentant Subscriber._) + +[Illustration] + + I. + + BEING gifted with decent taste and a sensitive eye, + I have never been much beguiled + By advertisements, crude in colour, and ten feet high + (Which, in fact, I rather reviled); + And, as for gigantic signs swinging up in the sky-- + They drove me perfectly wild! + + II. + + Then the lurid posters on paling and chimney-stack + Were the terror of every town-- + Till a League was started by Mr. WILLIAM BLACK + For the purpose of putting them down; + And the sympathetic invited its efforts to back + With an annual half-a-crown. + + III. + + So I cheerfully paid the fee, and my name was enrolled, + And a solemn oath I swore; + (As is usual on such occasions,--or so I'm told) + That, in future, no shop or store + Which aggressively advertised any article sold + I would patronise any more! + + IV. + + But that mad rash oath I recall with a vain regret, + As I brood in bitter complaint, + On the number of useful things that I'm dying to get-- + And my conscience tells me I mayn't! + As their various virtues are vaunted in letters of jet, + Or gaudier gilding and paint! + + V. + + I should like to be clean if I could--but I cannot cope, + Without saponaceous aid, + With a shower of London smuts--and I'm losing hope, + Getting daily a dingier shade, + In a futile search for a genuine Toilet-soap + That has shunned meretricious parade! + + VI. + + My villa would be--when it's furnished--the cosiest nest, + But I fear it is doomed to be bare; + For upholsterers' puffs are now a persistent pest, + And so shamelessly each will declare + His "Elegant Dining and Drawing-room suites" are the "cheapest and best"-- + That I daren't choose so much as a _chair_! + + VII. + + I would fly to the Ocean shore, or the Continent, + To escape from a lot accurst; + But here, by my own parole, I'm a prisoner pent! + I must find a Company first + That doesn't resort to obtrusive advertisement-- + And the Railway ones are the _worst_! + + VIII. + + And now I'm developing symptoms of bodily ills, + But, however sanguine I've felt, + Of a cure from So-and-So's Syrup, Elixir, or Pills, + Or his Neuro-magnetic Belt-- + Can I buy, when their fame is based on a stratum of bills + Down every area dealt? + + IX. + + And even my path to a tranquil tomb is barred + While that oath continues to bind; + For a coffin and funeral car will be somewhat hard + For a faithful adherent to find-- + When already each undertaker has left a card + With his terms and "inquiries kind"! + + X. + + So you see, Mr. WILLIAM BLACK, what a mess I've made! + And you'll own my dilemmas are due + To the oath which I took when I followed your precious crusade. + If its terms were drafted by _you_, + You may know some ingenious means their effect to evade-- + Kindly drop me a line if you do! + + + * * * * * + + TO BLACKHAM'S BOYS. + + (_The Australian Cricketers have arrived in England._) + + WELCOME, JOHN MCCARTHY BLACKHAM, + And his boys! 'Tis safe to back 'em, + GIFFEN, BANNERMAN, and TURNER, + To teach BULL--a cheerful learner! + Austral Cricket "up to date." + BRUCE and TRUMBLE--rather late-- + Owing to Lutetia's charms! + Soon will join their chums in arms. + LYONS and M'LEOD are ready; + Dashing GEORGE and ALEC steady, + And the others, prompt to pitch 'em + (Stumps) on the old sward at Mitcham. + _Punch_ will wish you all fair weather, + And fair luck! Now, all together!!! + May we meet 'em oft--and whack 'em + Fairly--these brave boys of BLACKHAM! + + * * * * * + + HABEAS CORPUS SUSPENDED.--What is wanted just now is a _"J bez + Corpus" Act_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SCOT-FREE." + + _Sir Henry Hawkins_ (_to Justice_). "_I_ CAN'T TOUCH THEM. + IT'S TIME _YOU_ DID!" (_See next page._)] + + * * * * * + +AN AIRY NOTHING.--According to a Radical paper "the poor man's tobacco +pays 10-1/2_d._ in the shilling to taxation, while the rich man's cigar +pays only 1/2_d._ in the shilling to taxation." This may be very true, +but is the question worth discussing? It is sure to end in smoke! + + * * * * * + +HOW THEY ARE SERVED IN SERVIA.--Among some interesting items, a +telegram informed us how "the Young King presided at a Council of +Ministers. The ceremonial is the same as during his father's time, +only two guards stand at the door, and _refreshments are handed round +at short intervals_." The italics are ours. Rather! What a pleasant +Cabinet Council. Why isn't the convivial plan adopted here? Mr. G., in +the chair, would knock the table with the hammer every ten minutes and +call out, "Give your orders, Gents! the Waiter's in the room!" A real +Harmonious Meeting. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WITHOUT PREJUDICE." + + _Miss Jeannie_ (_to Elderly Spinster_). "I'M GLAD MAUD IS + GOING TO BE MARRIED TO SIR GUY. I'M SURE THEY'LL BE HAPPY, + THEY'RE SO WELL MATCHED!" + + _Elderly Spinster aforesaid_ (_who has had her eye on Sir Guy + for the last two years_). "I DON'T AT ALL AGREE WITH YOU. SIR + GUY WOULD HAVE DONE FAR BETTER TO HAVE CHOSEN ONE OF HIS OWN + HEIGHT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE HOPED BY HAWKINS. + +(_A Cockney Carol by a cruelly-used Coster-Investor. With apologies to +clever Albert Chevalier._) + + ["I desire to express, and I cannot do it too strongly, + that there is no credit to be attached to the conduct of + the directors in this particular case. It would be more + satisfactory to me if directors had a proper sense of their + responsibility. It is a cruel thing that people should be + deluded out of their savings by high-sounding names. At + the same time, there is no criminal law which will punish a + director who scandalously neglects his duty, though he takes + his money. I think the law might well be altered."--_Mr. + Justice Hawkins._] + + AIR.--_"The Future Mrs. 'Awkins."_ + + I'm _done_, my little doner! I'm jest about a goner! + My savings all U. P.! + You always said I shouldn't; but resist big names I couldn't, + No, they fairly nobbled me. + Now Mister Justice 'AWKINS, 'onest 'ENERY HAWKINS, + Some Directors' wool does comb. + So 'elp me bob, I'm crazy. I _must_ ha' bin a daisy! + Won't it bust our 'umble 'ome! + (_Spoken or sung._) _Won't_ it! + O LIZER! Sweet LIZER! + If I die in the Big 'Ouse, I'll only 'ave myself to blame. + D'y'ear, LIZER? _Dear_ LIZER! + Fancy _me_ bein' nicked by a 'igh-soundin' name! + + At their sly board-meetin's wot must be their greetin's! + Oh, they knows wot _they're_ about! + The public tin they close up, at us turns their nose up-- + Fox and Guinea-pigs--no doubt. + I likes their style, dear LIZER. Ain't it a surpriser? + Cop _me_ on the 'op like this!!! + Sure, I must be dreamin'! In my sleep start screamin'. + There, _don't_ cry, old gal! Let's kiss! + (_Spoken or sung._) _Come_ now! + O LIZER! Dear LIZER! + If I lose yer luv by this I'll only 'ave myself to blame! + D'y'ear, LIZER? _Dear_ LIZER! + 'Onest 'ENERY 'AWKINS sez it's a dashed shame! + + Hartful as a "bonnet," you depend upon it, + Mister Fox, with tail sly-curled! + Jest about the sweetest, neatest, and completest + Diddle in the wide, wide world. + Wot sez 'ENERY 'AWKINS, 'onest 'ENERY 'AWKINS? + Law wants alterin' right away. + P'raps it may be _one_ day, but were it next Monday, + Me and you 'twould not repay! + (_Spoken or sighed._) _Would_ it? + O LIZER! Sweet LIZER! + Strikes me wot is called the Law is often fuss, and fraud, and fudge! + But _dear_ LIZER! D'y'ear, LIZER? + Mister Justice 'AWKINS is a fust-class Judge! + + * * * * * + +QUERY AT SOME FASHIONABLE SEA-SIDE RESORT.--Do the unpleasant odours +noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide +being high? If so, is the tide sometimes higher than usual, as +the--ahem!--odours certainly are? + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARIAN QUESTION TO A COMPANY.--(_To be replied to in the +negative._)--"What, are you HANSARD yet?" (_Mer. of Venice_, iv., 1.) + + * * * * * + + SONG FOR AN EMPEROR AFTER A (FRIENDLY) VISIT TO CANOSSA.-- + "Be it ever so humbling, there's no place like Rome!" + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: "At the Sign of the 'Budget Shop.'"] + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 24._--House nearly Counted Out just +now, although it's Budget Night and usual Resolutions not yet passed. +Catastrophe averted, and sitting continued. CHILDERS come back to old +scene. Looking on from below Gallery, says it's the quietest Budget +Night he remembers. Usually scene one of seething excitement. One or +more Trades expect taxes affecting them will either go up or go +down. Lobby besieged by anxious representatives. Nothing of the sort +to-night. When SQUIRE of MALWOOD rose to expound his mystery, Benches +not fuller than on ordinary night. Of those present there was no +speculation in the eyes they turned upon the CHANCELLOR standing at +table. The SQUIRE, a great Parliamentary artist, attuned voice and +manner to prevailing tone; avoided anything approaching oratorical +style; plain business statement to make; accomplished it in fine +head-clerkly manner. + +An unfailing tradition about Budget Speech is that it shall contain +at least one quotation from the Classics. Mr. G. from year to year +observed this custom with splendid effect. LOWE'S _Ex luce lucellum_ +is famous in history; nearly became the epitaph of a Ministry; +certainly was the funeral wail over a carefully-constructed Budget. +The SQUIRE to-night felt bound to observe tradition; but in accordance +with his nature did it modestly, adventuring nothing more recondite +than citation of the familiar line that serves to mark WREN'S +resting-place in Westminster Abbey. TOMMY BOWLES took opportunity +of remarking that he was "disappointed with the Budget." This +mental attitude, though not quite unexpected, threw fresh gloom over +proceedings, and talk, reduced to whisper, finally died out. + +_Business done._--Budget brought in. + +_Tuesday._--The young men behind PRINCE ARTHUR out on the war-path. +"Tell you what," says LEGH of Lyme; "let's have BRYCE's scalp." + +"By the Holy Roman Empire, yes!" cried GEORGE CURZON, to whom genial +observation was addressed. "Let's get at him about his snubbing +SEFTON, in matter of appointment of Lancashire County Magistrates. +'Twill serve a double debt to pay. We'll have a lark--'_Quelles +alouettes!_' as it is written in the French translation of _Great +Expectations_, in the passage reporting conversation between _Pip_ +and _Joe Gargery_. Moreover than which, we'll put a spoke in business +arrangements of Mr. G., and stave off Home Rule by so long." + +"Be careful," said PRINCE ARTHUR; "ticklish subject, you know. They're +sure to have HALSBURY up, and there unquestionably was a degree of +monotony about his appointments to Commission of Peace." + +"Oh bother HALSBURY," said CURZON, to whom nothing is sacred. "He's +used to it by this time. You know what happened to the viper who bit +the Cappadocian's hide? HALSBURY's all right." + +"Boys will be boys," said PRINCE ARTHUR, looking at them regretfully, +and thinking of his own forty-five years. "But perhaps it will be just +as well if I clear out;" which he did, and so missed a lively debate. + +That Elderly Young Man, HANBURY, not in best form for such operations. +Lacks lightness of touch. HENRY JAMES also better out of it. Gave +performance serious turn, when he declared that in borough of Bury +BRYCE, as soon as he came into office, appointed eight Magistrates, +all Liberals. That sounded very bad; Mr. G. looked serious; some +disposition shown on Treasury Bench to draw apart from BRYCE. All very +well to talk about HALSBURY'S goings on; but if this sort of thing +done by Liberal purists, things seem rotten all round. When BRYCE came +to reply, he quietly added to JAMES'S statement of case that, when +he went to the Duchy, he found of eighteen Magistrates sixteen were +Unionists, only two Liberals. He had, it is true, appointed six +Liberals and two working-men, whose politics he did not know. +Bury Bench, accordingly, now consisted of sixteen Unionists, eight +Liberals, and two working-men. Members wondered if JAMES knew that +when he made his statement? Hoped he didn't. All very well with wig +and gown on, and brief in hand; but House doesn't like this kind of +thing in debate. + +CURZON'S statement about sad condition of Magisterial Bench at +Southport, owing to machinations of an iniquitous Chancellor of the +Duchy, turned out to be not more completely based on fact than was +JAMES'S. But difference of manner in dealing with case, everything. +No one took CURZON seriously, and so no harm done. His explanation +of preponderance of Conservative Magistrates on Lancashire Bench +delightful. As good as some touches of DIZZY, of whose younger, +lighter manner, he much reminded old-stagers. It was true, he admitted +that, on Lancashire Bench, preponderance of Magistrates was with +Conservatives. (Chancellor of Duchy gave figures as he found them +arranged when he came into office. On the Borough Benches, 507 +Unionists, against 159 Liberals; on the County Bench, 522 Unionists, +against 142 Liberals, a proportion of nearly four to one.) But how +had it been brought about? asked the Strayed Reveller from the Corea. +"Why, it is because the disturbing, mischievous policy of the Right +Hon. Gentleman opposite" (this with indignant sweep of the arm towards +Mr. G., feigning sleep on the Treasury Bench) "has driven into the +opposite ranks most of the intelligent, respectable men, from whom +Justices are chosen." + +On Division, Vote of Censure on BRYCE negatived by 260 votes; against +186. "I'm not sure," said JOKIM, whose views of humour are limited, +"that, what I may call the gain of three hours lost, is worth the +price paid; to wit, the opportunity given to BRYCE of disclosing the +actual state of things in Lancashire in the matter of Magisterial +Bench, and the consequent doubling of the Ministerial Majority." + +"Well, as I remarked before," said Prince ARTHUR, who had come back +for the Division, "Boys will be boys." + +_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill, with aid of Closure, read +Second Time. + +_Thursday._--Pretty to watch Mr. G. struggling with feeling of +expediency against temptation to make a speech. House in Committee on +Budget Bill; JOKIM been discoursing at large on its proposals. Quite +lively. SQUIRE of MALWOOD looked on, listening with generous approval, +albeit he was target for JOKIM'S jocularity. This time last year +positions reversed. It was he criticising JOKIM'S Budget. Now it was +JOKIM'S turn, and the SQUIRE magnanimously stood the racket. Mr. G. +sat by his side, an attentive listener, evidently strongly drawn +to join in the fray. But it was plainly the SQUIRE'S show, and its +direction must be left to him. When there followed long succession +of eminent men discussing Budget, Mr. G. felt that if he remained any +longer he must yield to temptation. Accordingly, withdrew from scene. +Returned again an hour later; still harping on the Budget; the SQUIRE +had spoken twice, and there seemed nothing to be done but to work off +whatever remaining speeches had been prepared in Opposition camp. + +DORINGTON dragged in case of farmer, and small landowner; conversation +turned on Depression of Agriculture; the WOOLWICH INFANT presented +himself to view of sympathetic House as specimen of what a man of +ordinarily healthy habits might be brought to by necessity of paying +Income-tax on the gross rental of house property. A procession of +friends of the Agriculturist was closed by portly figure of CHAPLIN, +another effective object-lesson suitable for illustration of lectures +on Agricultural Depression. Mr. G., feeling there was no necessity +for speech, had resolutely withstood the others. CHAPLIN at the table, +proved irresistible. To him, CHAPLIN is embodiment of the heresy of +Protection, Bi-metallism, and other emanations of the Evil One. +When CHAPLIN sat down, PREMIER romped in, and, having delivered the +inevitable speech, went off home, soothed, and satisfied. + +_Business done._--Budget Scheme passed through Committee. + +_Friday._--Almost forgot we still have House of Lords. Shall be +reminded of their existence by-and-by. For the nonce, they are +courteously quiescent, the world forgetting, by the world forgot. Just +a little flare-up to-night. Ireland, of course; CAMPERDOWN wanting +to know what about the Evicted Tenants Commission? Are the +Government going to legislate upon it, or will they forbear? SELBORNE +supernaturally solemn; dragged in JAMES THE SECOND as the nearest +approach to any head of a Government quite so wicked as Mr. G. Lords +much interested in this. Don't hear so much now of JAMES THE SECOND +as we did when at school. The establishment of points of resemblance +between Governments of his day and that presided over by Mr. G., a +novelty in debate. Imparted to political controversy a freshness long +lacking. + +Just after seven, debate adjourned. For all practical purposes, +it might as well have been concluded. But House doesn't get many +opportunities of debate; not disposed riotously to squander this +chance one. + +_Business done._--Commons had Morning Sitting; scrupulously devoted +the last five minutes of it to public business. + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTE,--There's not much magic about _The Magic Ring_ at the +Prince of Wales's until the Second Act, in which the extravagantly +comic "business" of Messrs. MONKHOUSE and KAYE, the burlesque acting +of Miss SUSIE VAUGHAN, and the comic trio dance between the two low +comedians and the sprightly soprano, Miss MARIE HALTON, are worth +the whole of Act I. When is burlesque not burlesque? When it is Comic +Opera. Burlesque was reported dead. Not a bit of it, only smothered; +and it may come up fresh for a long run, or at all events, "fit" for a +good spurt. + + * * * * * + +Even the old-fashionedest Toriest of Tory Farmers are longing, hoping, +and even praying, for the downfall of the Rain. If we don't have +it soon, and it may have arrived ere this appears, Marrowfats, as +_articles de luxe_, will be "Peas at any price!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISPLACED MERRIMENT. + + _Irish Doctor_ (_who was a great believer in a little "playful + badinage"_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR! AN' WHAT A TARRIBLE DEPRESSIN' + SOIGHT YE'VE GONE AN' MADE OV YERSILF! WHAT IS UT NOW, IS UT + A '_TABLEAU VERVANT_' YE'RE PLAYIN' AT, OR WHAT?" + (_Further attendance dispensed with._)] + + * * * * * + + PANEFUL! + + It was the Palace of the Board, + The Board of London's Schooling, + Where Members lately have enjoyed + Some high artistic fooling. + + "Oh, why"--hear Mr. COXHEAD plead, + In tones of sheer amazement-- + "Do hideous faces wrought in glass + Stare down from every casement?" + + Then up spake General MOBERLY, + The Board's supreme apologist, + And told them all the time of day + Like any good horologist. + + "The Architect," quoth he, "had planned + To grave upon the panes + Portraits of bygone Classic wights, + Of British youth the banes. + + "But as the Chairman of the Works' + Committee he had said, + That CICERO should be deposed, + And DIGGLE reign instead. + + "To oust HERODOTUS would be + An inexpensive job, + And SOCRATES should be bowled out + By a seductive LOBB." + + Further, he argued that it would + Only be right and manly + If ARCHIMEDES did resign + His pane to LYULPH STANLEY. + + And out he brought his final word + Both modestly and soberly-- + "I think that JULIUS CAESAR might + Give place to General MOBERLY!" + + O Boardmen, shall the little plan + Be thus allowed to pass? + It will, unless your Veto stop + _This_ filling of the glass! + + * * * * * + + TO ZANTE. + + (_An Appeal. After E. A. Poe._) + + "Fair Isle, that from the fairest of all flowers + Thy gentlest of all gentle names doth take!" + How many memories of fierce seismic powers + At sight of thee, as now thou art, awake! + How many scenes of what departed bliss! + How many thoughts of what entombed hopes! + Did FALB foresee such ruinous wreck as this? + No more sits Peace upon thy verdant slopes! + _Subscriptions!_ Ah, that magical sweet sound + Appeals to all, or _should_ appeal. More! More! + Suffering demands still _more_! Charity's ground + _Punch_ now must hold thy flower-enamelled shore, + O Hyacinthine Isle! O purple Zante! + "_Isola d'oro! Fior di Levante!_" + + * * * * * + + NEW NAME FOR IT. (_By a non-believer in the + much-talked-of--and talking--"League._"),--Imperial + _Fad_-oration! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LAMENT. + + _Little Simpkins._ "NEARLY ALL OUR BEST MEN ARE DEAD! CARLYLE, + TENNYSON, BROWNING, GEORGE ELIOT!----I'M NOT FEELING VERY WELL + MYSELF!"] + + * * * * * + + "IN THE KEY OF RUTHENE." + + [The most gorgeous red yet discovered has lately been produced + from the rare metal ruethenium.] + + Who'll sell me a second-hand lyre and a plectrum, + Or (since it's the fashion) a mandoline? + _Con amore_ I'd sing the new shade of the spectrum-- + No spook, though it haunts me--its name is Ruthene. + + Nay, don't be alarmed, for I'm no supersubtle + Decadent bard with an eye full of green; + I merely (to copy the late _Captain Cuttle_) + Am "making a note" in the key of Ruthene. + + Well, _R_'s a red letter, you see its ray glow forth-- + Look in your "dic" if you doubt what I mean; + Red, rufous, rouge, ruddy, rose, russet, and so forth, + Have all rolling _r_'s like resplendent Ruthene. + + More "clamant" than carmine, vermilion, crimson, + Costlier than diamond or ultramarine-- + A deuce of a theme to chant lyrics or hymns on, + Or rummage for orotund "rot," is Ruthene. + + Orange-hued are the Odalisque's henna-dyed fingers, + English girls' lips are encarnadine; + A rubicund flame round the toper's nose lingers-- + But I'm blest if they rival the blush of Ruthene. + + Pink huntsman, gules ensign, deep flush of the sunset, + Cardinal's scarlet, "red" gold have I seen, + With red ruin, red rhubarb, red herring--but none set + My iris afire as does red-hot Ruthene. + + The quest, though, is simpler of Roc's egg or Sangreal, + Easier to fashion a flying machine, + Than for _my_ Muse to fake up (forgive Cockney slang) real + Readable rhymes in praise of Ruthene. + + * * * * * + +THE SCOTTISH TREVELYANDERER. + +(_Mr. Hozier's Version._) + + [Mr. HOZIER (on the Second Reading of the "Registration of + Votes (Scotland) Amendment Bill") said, "the fame of Mr. + GERRY, the Governor of Massachusetts, would sink into + insignificance if this Bill were to pass. In future they + would not talk of Gerrymandering, but of Trevelyandering.... + Trevelyandering, however, was a game at which two could play; + in fact, in the words of the poet, they might fairly say:-- + + "What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, + And possibly two can Trevelyander!"] + + + + AIR--"_The British Grenadiers._" + + Some talk of Gerrymander, and some of HERCHELLES, + Of HALSBURY and Mr. BRYCE, and such great names as these. + But of all the world's great jobbers (swears HOZIER) none compare + With the job, job, job, job, job, job, of the "Tre-vel-yan-der-er!" + + GERRY, of Massachusetts, was smartish, for his time, + But HOZIER "goes one better," it moves his soul to rhyme. + Our Scottish Wegg (_sans_ timber leg) drops into verse--though queer. + About the game--which two can play--of the "Tre-vel-yan-de-rer!" + + There's Jove, the god of thunder, and Mars, the god of war, + Brave Neptune, with his trident, but here's a greater, far! + HOZIER-Apollo now is seen descending from his sphere + To string betimes impromptu rhymes on the "Tre-vel-yan-de-rer!" + + Then let us fill a bumper, and drink a health to those + Who, "dropping into poetry," leave lesser wits to prose, + And especially to HOZIER, who raised a ringing cheer, + By his doggerel delightful on the "Tre-vel-yan-de-rer!" + + * * * * * + +MR. G. "SHADOWED."--Of course even Mr. G. cannot be "The Shadowless +Man," except under the terms of that weird story, "which is +impossible." The Police have arrived at one important point about the +recently arrested TOWNSEND. They now say, "We know that man, he comes +from Sheffield." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "POINT TO POINT RACE." + +(_OVER THE COMMITTEE COURSE._) + +MR. JORROCKS-GLADSTONE (_loq._). "COME HUP! I SAY--YOU HUGLY BEAST!!"] + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: Massa Beerbones Lord Shillingworth. + Massa Johnson O'Wilde. Dr. Proudie Kemble of Barchester. + Lady Nickleby Leclercq. + + CHRISTY MINSTRELS OF NO IMPORTANCE.] + + +A WORK OF--SOME IMPORTANCE. + +"Let who will give me a plot, _I_ will write their dialogue." +(_Extract from Uncommon-place Book of_ Mr. O. WILDE.) Now when the +author of _A Woman of No Importance_ and of _Lady Windermere's Fan_ +has to find his own materials for a plot (_"'Play-wrights' materials +for plots made up.' Idea for Literary and Dramatic Advertisement" +Note-book, O. W._)--well, he does find them, and makes them his own. +(_"Adoption not adaptation. A clear distinction.--N.B. I confer the +'distinction'" O. W._) Certainly "Our OSCAR" possesses the happy knack +of turning out some well-polished epigrams up to Drawing-room date. +And so it happens that, during the first two Acts, when Mr. WILDE'S +_dramatis personae_ are all gathered together, with nothing to do +and plenty to say, their conversation is light and airy, with an +occasional sparkler coming out (_"A summer night, with, at intervals, +a brilliant meteor flashing through the sky." Uncom. P. B., O. W._), +that crackles, goes pop like the weasel of the old song, and "then is +heard no more," as was the case with _Macbeth's_ poor player, and, +as he was a poor player, his fate was not undeserved.--(_Mem. "A Lady +Nickleby or Duchesse de Malapropos, to misquote.--For example, she +might say, as quoting Shakspeare, 'Life's but a walking candle.'" +O. W._) + +We all remember how poor _Mr. Dick_ couldn't keep King Charles's Head +out of his manuscript. The Author of _No Importance_ is similarly +affected. Left to himself for a plot, he cannot keep melodrama out of +his play, and what ought to have been a comedy pure and simple (or +the reverse) drops suddenly into old-fashioned theatrical melodrama. +During the first two Acts _Lady Hunstanton_, _Lady Caroline +Pontefract_, _Mrs. Allonby_, _Lord Illingworth_, _The Venerable James +Daubeny, D.D._, talk on pleasantly enough until interrupted by the +sudden apparition of the aforesaid King Charles the First's Head, +represented by the wearisome tirades, tawdry, cheap, and conventional, +belonging to the Lytton-Bulwerian-Money period of the Drama, of which +a considerable proportion falls to the share of the blameless Miss +JULIA NEILSON, who, as _la belle Americaine_, HESTER WORSLEY, in her +attitude towards her audience, resembles the blessed _Glendoveer_, +inasmuch as it is "_hers_ to talk, and _ours_ to hear." Deeply, too, +does everyone sympathise with lively Mrs. BERNARD BEERE, who, as _Mrs. +Arbuthnot_, a sort of up-to-date _Mrs. Haller_, is condemned to do +penance in a kind of magpie costume of black velvet, relieved by a +dash of white, rather calling to mind the lady whom CHARLES DICKENS +described as "_Hamlet's_ Aunt," her funereal attire being relieved by +a whitened face with tear-reddened eyes. It is these two characters, +with _Gerald Arbuthnot_, Mr. FRED TERRY, who, like the three gruesome +personages in _Don Giovanni_, will intrude themselves into what might +have been a pleasant, interesting comedy of modern manners, if only it +had had a good comedy plot. + +Taken as a whole, the acting is admirable. Mr. TREE, as the titled +cad, _Lord Illingworth_, is perfect in make-up and manner. Certainly +one of the many best things he has done. It is a companion portrait to +the other wicked nobleman in _The Dancing Girl_. (_"There is another +and a worse wicked nobleman" N. B., O. W._) But this is no fault, and, +indeed, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find fault with +Mr. TREE'S _Lord Illingworth_. Mrs. TREE as _Mrs. Allonby_, is a +very charming battledore in the game of repartee-shuttlecock, who with +eight other principal characters in the piece, has nothing whatever to +do with the plot. To the character of _Lady Hunstanton_, as written +in the Mrs. Nickleby vein, and as played by Miss ROSE LECLERCQ, the +success is mainly due; and "for this relief much thanks." It is here +and in the comedy characters of the _Archdeacon_ (Mr. KEMBLE excellent +in this) and of _Lady Caroline Pontefract_ (who couldn't have a better +representation than Miss LE THIERE) that Mr. O. WILDE shows what he +can do as a writer of comedy, both in the quality of the material and +its introduction at the right moment. (_"The right speech at the wrong +moment, or the wrong speech at the right moment, both are fatal. +Thus is it that comedies become tragedies, and tragedies comedies." +U.P.N.B., O. W._) At the Haymarket the "play's" not "the thing," it is +the playing. (_"Likewise the writing," O. W._) + +However, it is not for the plot, or for the Bulwery-Lyttony orations, +or for the familiar melodramatic situations that audiences will +seek the Haymarket. No, it will be to hear the Christy-Minstrel +epigrammatic dialogue in the first two Acts, to laugh heartily at Miss +LECLERCQ as _Lady Nickleby Hunstanton_, to smile on the _Archdeacon_ +and _Lady Caroline_, and to enjoy the first-rate acting all round. + + * * * * * + +MEMS, FROM THE O. W. UNCOMMONPLACE BOOK. + +"Essentials for success of modern play are 'Latitude and Platitude.' +First being risky is saved by second." + +_Receipt for Play-making._--First catch your epigrams: preserve +them for use: serve with _sauce piquante un pen risquee_ distributed +impartially among a variety of non-essential _dramatis personae_, +invented for the purpose. Provide fine old crusted copybook moral +sentiments, to suit _bourgeois_ palate: throw in the safe situation +of some one concealed, behind door or window, listening to private +conversation. Add one well-tried effective dramatic situation to +bring down curtain on penultimate Act, and there's a stage-dish to +set before the appreciative B. P., if only it can be presented to them +effectively garnished by a clever and popular Manager at a first-class +theatre. + + * * * * * + +FLOWERS OF FASHION. + +The Botanical Afternoon Fete of last Wednesday was a brilliant +gathering in brilliant weather. Privileged is "the Inner Circle" to +have in its midst these lovely gardens. "The Flowers that bloom in +the Spring, tra la!" were all out uncommonly early--long before the +earliest worm, which hasn't a chance against these very early risers. +"All a-growing!" on the part of the flowers, and "all a-blowing" +on the part of the Band of the Second Life Guards. Among the +distinguished company present we noticed the Crimson Queen, looking +immensely well, the blushing Duchess of ALBANY, the Duchesse de +VALLOMBROSA, Admiral COURBET, in a striking costume of "deep yellow +splashed with red" (where _had_ he been?), the Ladies DAPHNE PINK and +CALLAS WHITE, and Marechal NIEL. For "_Uriah Heep_," who "loves to be +'umble," a Silver Medal was awarded to Mr. PIKE. "The prize, that's my +point," observed the sharp PIKE. Funny Fish PIKE. + + * * * * * + +A PENNY WISE.--The new import of the latest Budget may be aptly called +"A Penny for your Thoughts," as no one pays a tax upon his income +as it really exists, but as (for Income-tax assessment purposes) he +believes it to be. + + + + +THE PICK OF THE R.A. PICTURES. + +[Illustration: No. 37. The Knight of the Graceful Curve. See +remarkable figure in George E. Robertson's picture.] + +[Illustration: No. 17. The Hare Apparent trying to study a part under +considerable difficulties, as shown in Nos. 18 and 19. + +(_Vide Notes, p. 215._)] + +[Illustration: No. 220. Queen of Golf Clubs. "'I'm going a golfing, +Sir, she said.' You see I've Gotch 'em in my hand." T. C. Gotch.] + +[Illustration: No. 159. Mr. Henry Irving in his Dressing-room studying +a New Part. Sir F. Leighton, Bart., P.R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 470. Worse Halves coming Home. A Half-vest Scene. It +is called "The Army of Peace," but it seems to be "An Army in Pieces." +F. W. Loring.] + +[Illustration: Nos. 586 (by Louis Falero), 590 (by St. George Hare), +591 (_encore_ Falero). Awkward Position of an Unprofessional Sitter +at a Studio when the Models have arrived, but the Artist hasn't yet +turned up.] + +[Illustration: No. 217. The New Toy. Little Tottie's Mechanical Bird. +Sir J. E. Millais, Bart., R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 131. The Sea Serpent! Caught at last!! General +rejoicings!!! Frank Dicksee, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 218. His First Cigar. G. F. Watts, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 375. Disturbed by Wopses. Arthur Hacker.] + + * * * * * + +No. 18. _John Hare, Esq._, as seen and painted by Sir JOHN E. MILLAIS, +Bart., R.A., "_The Hare Apparent_"--to every spectator. But what an +unpleasant position! The eminent Actor is either studying a part, or +has the Box-office account-book in his hand, and wants a quiet moment +for serious thought or close calculation; and yet, in the next room +to him (No. 19), one of Mr. ORCHARDSON'S young ladies is singing and +playing a yellow chrome-atic scale, and in the room overhead (No. 17), +Mr. NETTLESHIP'S tiger has broken loose, and is taking a bath. +When rescued from these surroundings, this will remain at home a +Hare-loominous picture for the family. + +No. 28. "_Toe-Toe chez Ta-Ta._" Miss TOETOE, in blue, at work and +looking down, says to the other girl, TATA, who is maliciously smiling +at her, "Oh dear! I _do_ hope that no one will look at my right thumb +or my toes! O Mr. WOODS, A., why was my right thumb left like this?" + +No. 34. In this Mr. MORLEY FLETCHER shows us a Female Martyr in +Tomartyr-coloured dress, preparatory to being taken off to the _Auto +da fe_. + +No. 45. "_An Undress Rehearsal_" STUART G. DAVIS. + +No. 49. "_On the Temple Steps._" By JOHN GRIFFITHS. For years we've +known that GRIFFITHS is "the safe man" to follow. But, unless this +is a work of pure imagination, anyone well acquainted with the +Temple Pier and the Temple Steps will naturally ask, "Where are the +Steam-boats?" + +Nos. 51, 52, and 53. The first is a Harmony in Sea by Mr. HENRY +MOORE, A., and the second is Mr. MILLER'S--(WILLIAM not JOSEPH +MILLER)--_Colonel Hornsby-Drake_. This Drake seems out of his element, +as he ought to have been floating about with the wild fowl that belong +naturally to the picture below. + +Nos. 63-66. + + "Four little whitey boys out for a run, + Ate early greeny food. Then there were none!" + +Painted by AMY SAWYER. "Not a work of imagination, my dear little +boys, because you were seen by AMY--that is, AMY _saw yer_!" + +No. 70. _Study in Patisserie._ Design for a chocolate ornament covered +with sugar. Recommended by Messrs. CLARK AND HAMILTON. + +No. 71. _Lion in Desert._ Very tame. Mr. HERBERT DICKSEE. + +No. 76. _The New Skirt Dance._ . . We strongly recommend the study of +this picture to admirers of the "Skirt Dance." It shows how one of +the male sex may attempt it--that is, according to the idea of the +designer, HERBERT DICKSEE. + +No. 88. _Colonel W. Barnardiston._ "First Chairman of West Suffolk +County Council." Painted by HUBERT HERKOMER, R.A. If he is "First +Chairman," it doesn't matter what he is afterwards, since he has +been immortalised by the admirable painting of HUBERT HERKOMER. He'll +remain "First Chairman" in the _Dramatis Personae_ of this year's +Catalogue, at all events, and be H. H.'s "Perpetual First Chairman," +too, be the other where he may. + +No. 103. "_Elder Bush._" By H. W. B. DAVIS, R.A. From the title you +might expect it to be the portrait of a Presbyterian "Elder" named +"BUSH." But it isn't. Look at it. It is the sweetest, most natural, +perfectest of charming "bits" of rural Nature in the whole show. +There's no beating about this bush; in fact this Elder Bush is one +that is very hard to beat. + +No. 130. _His Grace the Duke of Devonshire._ Encore! Bravo, Mr. HUBERT +HERKOMER. You're are a-going it this year, you are, Sir! You've given +the Duke all his Grace, and there's a kind of orange tint about him, +which, just now, is not without its political signification. + +No. 132. We must go to Kennington (T. B. KENNINGTON) to see "_The +Queen of Love_." She is sitting on a tiger's skin, and has her hand +on the head of the savage beast, which shows its fangs. "A _fang-see_ +subject," says 'ARRY JOKER. + +No. 158. HONEYMOONERS. "Here we are again!" Same kind of Stone +Fruit from MARCUS STONE, R.A. "Sparkles this Stone as it was +wont!"--_Cymbeline._ ii., 4. [_To be continued in our next._ + + * * * * * + +AMONG THE IMMORTALS AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY BANQUET LAST +SATURDAY.--H.R.H. made one of his usually happy speeches; the Duke of +CAMBRIDGE, the Earl of ROSEBERY, and Lord HERSCHELL represented the +comedy element; while Lord KELVIN and Mr. LESLIE STEPHEN were perfect +in what, theatrically speaking, is termed "the heavy lead;" and +certainly their speeches were--ahem!--weighty. Pretty to note how His +Scarlet-robed Eminence entered the room, not only with a grace all +his own, but with His Grace of CANTERBURY as well. Never was the +President, Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, more effective in all his speeches, +and especially when replying to the toast of "The Academy," where the +perfection of his speech lay in the subtle concealment of its art, and +in the genuine earnestness of his advice to students _urbi et orbi_. + + * * * * * + +SPORTING ANSWER (_Garden_).--TOTTIE: The flower you have forwarded to +us is not a flower at all. It is an East African rhinoceros. We have +returned it as requested, by parcel post. + + * * * * * + + ALL-A-BLOWING! + + (_A Cockney Pastoral in Spring time._) + + _Who-o-o-f!_ It's hot amost as Summer-time; yet what a blessed breeze + Is a-whiffing round the corners, and a-whoostling through the trees! + And the sunlight on the roof-slates, all aslant to the blue sky, + Seems to twinkle like the larfter in a pooty gurl's blue eye, + When you swing in the dance, and she feels you've got 'er step: + And the trees--ah! bless their branches!--through the winter weeks + they've slep', + When the worrying winds would let 'em, all as black and mum as mutes, + A-waiting for the blackbirds, with their calls like meller flutes. + Just to whistle them awake like. Oh! but now they stir and rouse + Like a girl who has bin dreamin' of her lover in a drowse, + And wakes up to feel 'is kisses on 'er softly poutin' lips. + How they burst, all a-thirst for the April shower that drips + Tinkle-tink from leaf to leaf, washing every spraylet clean + From the sooty veil of London, which might dim the buddin' green + Of the pluckiest lime-tree, sproutin' o'er brown pales in a back-yard; + For these limes bud betimes, and they find it middlin' hard + To make way at windy corners, when the lamp as lights 'em through, + Like gold on green in pantomimes, is blown till it burns blue, + By the angry nor'east gusts. But the nor'east wind to-day + Is less like a rampin' lion than some new-born lamb at play. + Wy, the laylock's out aready, purple spires and creamy clumps. + Oh, that scent of shower-washed laylock! There's a somethin' in me jumps + As I ketch it round some corner, where the heart-shaped leaflets small + Cluster up against the stucco, as they did about that wall, + Grey, and gritty, and glass-spiked, of our tumble-down old cot + Out Epping way, in boy-time long ago, and quite a lot + Of remembrances came crowding, like good ghostes, in that scent; + There's the mother's call to dinner, there's the landlord's call--for rent! + And the call of the rooks,--and another call, fur off, + Like a whisper from a grave-yard, green and silent. + Some may scoff + At a Cockney's chat of laylocks. I could bury my old phiz + In their crisp and nutty coolness, as I did when flirty Liz, + My first sweetheart, sent me packing, one Spring mornin'--for a while-- + And them blossoms cooled my anger--most as much as the arch smile + Which won me back to wooin'. + There's a blackbird on the top + Of yon tall, half bare acacia, pipes as if he'd never stop, + Tryin' all his tunelets over, like a sort of talking flute:-- + "_Chip-chip! Tsee-tsee! Chu-chu! Chu-rook!_" goes the bird of sable suit. + "_We-know-it! We-know-it! We-know-it! Bring-the-whip!--the whip!--the whip! + "Chu-rook-chu-chu! Chu-rook-chu-chu! Tsee-tsee-chu-chu-chip-chip!_" + So he pours his pantin' heart out in a song half tune, half patter, + Like a meller music-haller of the tree-tops! + Ah--what matter + That 'tis only London's outskirts, that I'm a poor Cockney cove, + When this Wondrous Spring is on us? As my shallow on I shove, + And blare out my "All-a-blowing, All-a-growing!" down the streets, + There's a something fresh and shining-like in every face I meets! + Tis the Spring-love breaking through them! Wy, the very dirt looks clean + In the shimmer of the sunlight, and the shadow of the green. + _All-a-blowing! All-a-growing!_ When I shout, I seem to sing, + For my cry takes on a music. It's the very Voice of Spring! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MEAT FOR YOUR MASTER!" + + "WE SHALL ONLY BE TWO TO-NIGHT; COOK--YOUR MASTER AND + ME--SO ALL WE SHALL WANT WILL BE SOUP AND FISH AND LAMB + AND ASPARAGUS, WITH A _SOUFFLE_ TO FOLLOW, AND A LITTLE + SWEET-BREAD AFTER THE FISH, YOU KNOW!" + + "YES, MA'AM. AND FOR THE KITCHEN?" + + "OH--WELL--THERE'S SOME OF THAT POTTED HAM STILL LEFT WE HAD + FOR BREAKFAST YESTERDAY. IT'S JUST ON THE TURN, YOU KNOW, SO + YOU MAY AS WELL FINISH IT DOWNSTAIRS. IT WILL DO VERY WELL FOR + YOUR DINNER TO-DAY, AND TO-MORROW YOU SHALL EACH HAVE AN EGG!" + ] + + * * * * * + + THE DEARTH OF GENIUSES. + + (_Dedicated to the Right Hon. A. J. Balfour._) + + Cried Genius A. to Genius B., "Let's summon Genius C., + And, to make a _partie carree_, we will call in Genius D." + And when they were assembled these solemn four sat down, + And they all read Mr. BALFOUR'S speech, and read it with a frown. + + Said Genius A., "No Geniuses? By Heaven, he's talking rot!" + And Genius B. replied thereto, "I can't say he is not." + And C. and D., the poets, who warble like the birds, + Agreed with Genius A. and B. in scorning BALFOUR'S words. + + "A Genius _may_ arise, he says; that's coming it too strong; + Why, dash it, I can count up three in prose and eke in song!" + Thus A. began; the three replied, "You're not an egoist; + You quite forgot to add yourself, and so complete the list." + + "We'll prove it on the spot," declared dramatic Genius A. + "You three shall sit as judges, and I will read my play. + 'Tis a drama of the passions, all strictly based on facts, + And they break the Decalogue to bits in five exhaustive Acts." + + "That _might_ be good," said B.; "but _I_'ve a little thing, I guess, + Which ought to take precedence, a novel in MS.; + With characters so deftly drawn in all their changing scenes, + That THACKERAY and DICKENS must be knocked to smithereens." + + But C. broke in; his hair was long, his eyes were very wild, + He was in truth a strangely-garbed and most poetic child; + Said he, "Your plays and novels may all be very well, + But I've an epic poem here on _Happiness in Hell_." + + And D., the pretty lyricist, he hummed and then he hawed, + "I've half a hundred sonnets here to MABEL, MADGE, and MAUD. + I'll read them first, and then I'll read"--the other three grew pale-- + "My last new book, _The Musings of a Town-bred Nightingale_." + + * * * * * + And so they sat, and talked and talked, the argument waxed hot, + For each one was a Genius born, and none would budge a jot. + And till they settle who begins, and which of them shall yield, + I fear the "dearth of Geniuses"--see speech--must hold the field. + + * * * * * + +RATHER A LONG SHOT.--How to "attempt the life of the PREMIER." +Discharge a revolver in the neighbourhood of Downing Street, and +listen to the report in the evening papers. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired. + +Page 208: 'Divison' corrected to 'Division' + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOLUME 104, MAY 6, 1893*** + + +******* This file should be named 26454.txt or 26454.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/6/4/5/26454 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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