diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/iscbk10.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/iscbk10.txt | 4607 |
1 files changed, 4607 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/iscbk10.txt b/old/iscbk10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..612abb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/iscbk10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4607 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + +*It must legally be the first thing seen when opening the book.* +In fact, our legal advisors said we can't even change margins. + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. We need your donations. + + +Title: Isaac Bickerstaff + +Author: Richard Steele + +May, 2001 [Etext #2644] + + +The Project Gutenberg Etext Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele +******This file should be named iscbk10.txt or iscbk10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, iscbk11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, iscbk10a.txt + + +This eText was prepared by Les Bowler, St. Ives, Dorset. + +Project Gutenberg Etexts are usually created from multiple editions, +all of which are in the Public Domain in the United States, unless a +copyright notice is included. Therefore, we usually do NOT keep any +of these books in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +We are now trying to release all our books one month in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. + +Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. To be sure you have an +up to date first edition [xxxxx10x.xxx] please check file sizes +in the first week of the next month. Since our ftp program has +a bug in it that scrambles the date [tried to fix and failed] a +look at the file size will have to do, but we will try to see a +new copy has at least one byte more or less. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. This +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If our value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour this year as we release thirty-six text +files per month, or 432 more Etexts in 1999 for a total of 2000+ +If these reach just 10% of the computerized population, then the +total should reach over 200 billion Etexts given away this year. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext +Files by December 31, 2001. [10,000 x 100,000,000 = 1 Trillion] +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only ~5% of the present number of computer users. + +At our revised rates of production, we will reach only one-third +of that goal by the end of 2001, or about 3,333 Etexts unless we +manage to get some real funding; currently our funding is mostly +from Michael Hart's salary at Carnegie-Mellon University, and an +assortment of sporadic gifts; this salary is only good for a few +more years, so we are looking for something to replace it, as we +don't want Project Gutenberg to be so dependent on one person. + +We need your donations more than ever! + + +All donations should be made to "Project Gutenberg/CMU": and are +tax deductible to the extent allowable by law. (CMU = Carnegie- +Mellon University). + +For these and other matters, please mail to: + +Project Gutenberg +P. O. Box 2782 +Champaign, IL 61825 + +When all other email fails. . .try our Executive Director: +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> +hart@pobox.com forwards to hart@prairienet.org and archive.org +if your mail bounces from archive.org, I will still see it, if +it bounces from prairienet.org, better resend later on. . . . + +We would prefer to send you this information by email. + +****** + +To access Project Gutenberg etexts, use any Web browser +to view http://promo.net/pg. This site lists Etexts by +author and by title, and includes information about how +to get involved with Project Gutenberg. You could also +download our past Newsletters, or subscribe here. This +is one of our major sites, please email hart@pobox.com, +for a more complete list of our various sites. + +To go directly to the etext collections, use FTP or any +Web browser to visit a Project Gutenberg mirror (mirror +sites are available on 7 continents; mirrors are listed +at http://promo.net/pg). + +Mac users, do NOT point and click, typing works better. + +Example FTP session: + +ftp metalab.unc.edu +login: anonymous +password: your@login +cd pub/docs/books/gutenberg +cd etext90 through etext99 or etext00 through etext01, etc. +dir [to see files] +get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files] +GET GUTINDEX.?? [to get a year's listing of books, e.g., +GUTINDEX.99] +GET GUTINDEX.ALL [to get a listing of ALL books] + +*** + +**Information prepared by the Project Gutenberg legal advisor** + +(Three Pages) + + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you can distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG- +tm etexts, is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor +Michael S. Hart through the Project Gutenberg Association at +Carnegie-Mellon University (the "Project"). Among other +things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the Project's "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] the Project (and any other party you may receive this +etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold the Project, its directors, +officers, members and agents harmless from all liability, cost +and expense, including legal fees, that arise directly or +indirectly from any of the following that you do or cause: +[1] distribution of this etext, [2] alteration, modification, +or addition to the etext, or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word pro- + cessing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Project of 20% of the + net profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association/Carnegie-Mellon + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Carnegie-Mellon University". + +We are planning on making some changes in our donation structure +in 2000, so you might want to email me, hart@pobox.com beforehand. + + + + + +This eText was prepared by Les Bowler, St. Ives, Dorset. + + + + + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + +Isaac Bickerstaff, Physician and Astrologer +by Richard Steele. +Papers from Steele's "Tatler." + + + + +Introduction by Henry Morley. + + + +Of the relations between Steele and Addison, and the origin of +Steele's "Tatler," which was developed afterwards into the +"Spectator," account has already been given in the introduction to a +volume of this Library, * containing essays from the "Spectator"-- +"Sir Roger de Coverley and the Spectator Club." There had been a +centre of life in the "Tatler," designed, as Sir Roger and his +friends were designed, to carry the human interest of a distinct +personality through the whole series of papers. The "Tatler's" +personality was Isaac Bickerstaff, Physician and Astrologer; as to +years, just over the grand climacteric, sixty-three, mystical +multiple of nine and seven; dispensing counsel from his lodgings at +Shire Lane, and seeking occasional rest in the vacuity of thought +proper to his club at the "Trumpet." + +The name of Isaac Bickerstaff Steele borrowed from his friend Swift, +who, just before the establishment of the "Tatler," had borrowed it +from a shoemaker's shop-board, and used it as the name of an +imagined astrologer, who should be an astrologer indeed, and should +attack John Partridge, the chief of the astrological almanack +makers, with a definite prediction of the day and hour of his death. +This he did in a pamphlet that brought up to the war against one +stronghold of superstition an effective battery of satire. The +pamphlet itself has been given in our volume of "The Battle of the +Books, and other short pieces, by Jonathan Swift." * The joke once +set rolling was kept up in other playful little pamphlets written to +announce the fulfilment of the prophecy, and to explain to Partridge +that, whether he knew it or not, he was dead. This joke was running +through the town when Steele began his "Tatler" on the 12th of +April, 1709. Steele kept it going, and, in doing so, wrote once or +twice in the character of Bickerstaff. Then he proceeded to develop +the astrologer into a central character, who should give life and +unity to his whole series of essays. + +They were published for a penny a number, at the rate of three +numbers a week. Steele, for his threepence a week, sought to give +wholesome pleasure while good-humouredly helping men to rise above +the vices and the follies of their time. Evil ways of the court of +Charles the Second still survived in empty tradition. The young man +thought it polite to set up for an atheist, said Steele, though it +could be proved on him that every night he said his prayers. It was +fashionable to speak frivolously of women, and affect contempt of +marriage, though the English were, and are, of all men the most +domestic. Steele made it a part of his duty to break this evil +custom, to uphold the true honour of womanhood, and assert the +sacredness of home. The two papers in this collection, called +"Happy Marriage" and "A Wife Dead," are beautiful examples of his +work in this direction. He attacked the false notions of honour +that kept duelling in fashion. Steele could put his heart into the +direct telling of a tale of human love or sorrow, and in that +respect was unapproached by Addison; but he was surpassed by Addison +in a subtle delicacy of touch, in the fine humour with which he +played about the whims and weaknesses of men. The tenth paper in +this volume, "A Business Meeting," is a good example of what Addison +could do in that way. + +Of the papers in this volume, the first was sent to Steele by the +post, and--Steele wrote in the original Preface to the completed +"Tatler"--"written, as I since understand, by Mr. Twisdon, who died +at the battle of Mons, and has a monument in Westminster Abbey, +suitable to the respect which is due to his wit and valour." The +other papers were all written by Steele, with these exceptions:--No. +V., "Marriage of Sister Jenny," and No. VII., "The Dream of Fame," +were described by Steele, in a list given to Tickell, as written by +himself and Addison together. No. XIV., "The Wife Dead," is +Steele's, with some passages to which Addison contributed. No. +XIII., "Dead Folks," was, the first part, by Addison; the second +part, beginning "From my own Apartment, November 25," by Steele; +Addison wrote No. X., "A Business Meeting," No. XVI., "A very Pretty +Poet," and No. XX., "False Doctoring." Addison joined Steele in the +record of cases before "Bickerstaff, Censor," No. XVIII. Of the +twenty-six sections in this volume, therefore, three are by Addison +alone; one is in two parts, written severally by Addison and Steele; +four are by Addison and Steele working in friendly fellowship, and +without trace of their separate shares in the work; eighteen are by +Steele alone. + +* Cassell's National Library. + + + + +ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, PHYSICIAN AND ASTROLOGER. + + + +I.--THE STAFFIAN RACE. + + From my own Apartment, May, 4, 17O9. + +Of all the vanities under the sun, I confess that of being proud of +one's birth is the greatest. At the same time, since in this +unreasonable age, by the force of prevailing custom, things in which +men have no hand are imputed to them; and that I am used by some +people as if Isaac Bickerstaff, though I write myself Esquire, was +nobody: to set the world right in that particular, I shall give you +my genealogy, as a kinsman of ours has sent it me from the Heralds' +Office. It is certain, and observed by the wisest writers, that +there are women who are not nicely chaste, and men not severely +honest, in all families; therefore let those who may be apt to raise +aspersions upon ours please to give us as impartial an account of +their own, and we shall be satisfied. The business of heralds is a +matter of so great nicety that, to avoid mistakes, I shall give you +my cousin's letter, verbatim, without altering a syllable. + +"DEAR COUSIN, + "Since you have been pleased to make yourself so famous of late +by your ingenious writings, and some time ago by your learned +predictions; since Partridge, of immortal memory, is dead and gone, +who, poetical as he was, could not understand his own poetry; and, +philomathical as he was, could not read his own destiny; since the +Pope, the King of France, and great part of his court, are either +literally or metaphorically defunct: since, I say, these things not +foretold by any one but yourself have come to pass after so +surprising a manner: it is with no small concern I see the original +of the Staffian race so little known in the world as it is at this +time; for which reason, as you have employed your studies in +astronomy and the occult sciences, so I, my mother being a Welsh +woman, dedicated mine to genealogy, particularly that of our family, +which, for its antiquity and number, may challenge any in Great +Britain. The Staffs are originally of Staffordshire, which took its +name from them; the first that I find of the Staffs was one +Jacobstaff, a famous and renowned astronomer, who, by Dorothy his +wife, had issue seven sons--viz., Bickerstaff, Longstaff, Wagstaff, +Quarterstaff, Whitestaff, Falstaff, and Tipstaff. He also had a +younger brother, who was twice married, and had five sons--viz., +Distaff, Pikestaff, Mopstaff, Broomstaff, and Raggedstaff. As for +the branch from whence you spring, I shall say very little of it, +only that it is the chief of the Staffs, and called Bickerstaff, +quasi Biggerstaff; as much as to say, the Great Staff, or Staff of +Staffs; and that it has applied itself to Astronomy with great +success, after the example of our aforesaid forefather. The +descendants from Longstaff, the second son, were a rakish, +disorderly sort of people, and rambled from one place to another, +till, in the time of Harry the Second, they settled in Kent, and +were called Long-Tails, from the long tails which were sent them as +a punishment for the murder of Thomas-a-Becket, as the legends say. +They have been always sought after by the ladies, but whether it be +to show their aversion to popery, or their love to miracles, I +cannot say. The Wagstaffs are a merry, thoughtless sort of people, +who have always been opinionated of their own wit; they have turned +themselves mostly to poetry. This is the most numerous branch of +our family, and the poorest. The Quarterstaffs are most of them +prize-fighters or deer-stealers; there have been so many of them +hanged lately that there are very few of that branch of our family +left. The Whitestaffs are all courtiers, and have had very +considerable places. There have been some of them of that strength +and dexterity that five hundred of the ablest men in the kingdom +have often tugged in vain to pull a staff out of their hands. The +Falstaffs are strangely given to drinking: there are abundance of +them in and about London. And one thing is very remarkable of this +branch, and that is, there are just as many women as men in it. +There was a wicked stick of wood of this name in Harry the Fourth's +time, one Sir John Falstaff. As for Tipstaff, the youngest son, he +was an honest fellow; but his sons, and his sons' sons, have all of +them been the veriest rogues living; it is this unlucky branch has +stocked the nation with that swarm of lawyers, attorneys, serjeants, +and bailiffs, with which the nation is overrun. Tipstaff, being a +seventh son, used to cure the king's evil; but his rascally +descendants are so far from having that healing quality that, by a +touch upon the shoulder, they give a man such an ill habit of body +that he can never come abroad afterwards. This is all I know of the +line of Jacobstaff; his younger brother, Isaacstaff, as I told you +before, had five sons, and was married twice; his first wife was a +Staff, for they did not stand upon false heraldry in those days, by +whom he had one son, who, in process of time, being a schoolmaster +and well read in the Greek, called himself Distaff or Twicestaff. +He was not very rich, so he put his children out to trades, and the +Distaffs have ever since been employed in the woollen and linen +manufactures, except myself, who am a genealogist. Pikestaff, the +eldest son by the second venter, was a man of business, a downright +plodding fellow, and withal so plain, that he became a proverb. +Most of this family are at present in the army. Raggedstaff was an +unlucky boy, and used to tear his clothes in getting birds' nests, +and was always playing with a tame bear his father kept. Mopstaff +fell in love with one of his father's maids, and used to help her to +clean the house. Broomstaff was a chimney-sweeper. The Mopstaffs +and Broomstaffs are naturally as civil people as ever went out of +doors; but, alas! if they once get into ill hands, they knock down +all before them. Pilgrimstaff ran away from his friends, and went +strolling about the country; and Pipestaff was a wine-cooper. These +two were the unlawful issue of Longstaff. + +"N.B.--The Canes, the Clubs, the Cudgels, the Wands, the Devil upon +two Sticks, and one Bread, that goes by the name of Staff of Life, +are none of our relations. I am, dear Cousin, + "Your humble servant, + "D. DISTAFF. + +"From the Heralds' Office, + "May 1, 17O9." + + + +II.--PACOLET. + + From my own Apartment, May 8. + +Much hurry and business have to-day perplexed me into a mood too +thoughtful for going into company; for which reason, instead of the +tavern, I went into Lincoln's Inn walks; and having taken a round or +two, I sat down, according to the allowed familiarity of these +places, on a bench; at the other end of which sat a venerable +gentleman, who, speaking with a very affable air, "Mr. +Bickerstaff," said he, "I take it for a very great piece of good +fortune that you have found me out." "Sir," said I, "I had never, +that I know of, the honour of seeing you before." "That," replied +he, "is what I have often lamented; but, I assure you, I have for +many years done you good offices, without being observed by you; or +else, when you had any little glimpse of my being concerned in an +affair, you have fled from me, and shunned me like an enemy; but, +however, the part I am to act in the world is such that I am to go +on in doing good, though I meet with never so many repulses, even +from those I oblige." This, thought I, shows a great good nature, +but little judgment, in the persons upon whom he confers his +favours. He immediately took notice to me that he observed, by my +countenance, I thought him indiscreet in his beneficence, and +proceeded to tell me his quality in the following manner: "I know +thee, Isaac, to be so well versed in the occult sciences that I need +not much preface, or make long preparations, to gain your faith that +there are airy beings who are employed in the care and attendance of +men, as nurses are to infants, till they come to an age in which +they can act of themselves. These beings are usually called amongst +men guardian angels; and, Mr. Bickerstaff, I am to acquaint you that +I am to be yours for some time to come; it being our orders to vary +our stations, and sometimes to have one patient under our +protection, and sometimes another, with a power of assuming what +shape we please, to ensnare our wards into their own good. I have +of late been upon such hard duty, and know you have so much work for +me, that I think fit to appear to you face to face, to desire you +will give me as little occasion for vigilance as you can." "Sir," +said I, "it will be a great instruction to me in my behaviour if you +please to give me some account of your late employments, and what +hardships or satisfactions you have had in them, that I may govern +myself accordingly." He answered, "To give you an example of the +drudgery we go through, I will entertain you only with my three last +stations. I was on the first of April last put to mortify a great +beauty, with whom I was a week; from her I went to a common swearer, +and have been last with a gamester. When I first came to my lady, I +found my great work was to guard well her eyes and ears; but her +flatterers were so numerous, and the house, after the modern way, so +full of looking-glasses, that I seldom had her safe but in her +sleep. Whenever we went abroad, we were surrounded by an army of +enemies; when a well-made man appeared, he was sure to have a +side-glance of observation; if a disagreeable fellow, he had a full +face, out of more inclination to conquests; but at the close of the +evening, on the sixth of the last month, my ward was sitting on a +couch, reading Ovid's epistles; and as she came to this line of +Helen to Paris, + + 'She half consents who silently denies,' + +entered Philander, who is the most skilful of all men in an address +to women. He is arrived at the perfection of that art which gains +them; which is, 'to talk like a very miserable man, but look like a +very happy one.' I saw Dictinna blush at his entrance, which gave +me the alarm; but he immediately said something so agreeable on her +being at study, and the novelty of finding a lady employed in so +grave a manner, that he on a sudden became very familiarly a man of +no consequence, and in an instant laid all her suspicions of his +skill asleep, as he had almost done mine, till I observed him very +dangerously turn his discourse upon the elegance of her dress, and +her judgment in the choice of that very pretty mourning. Having had +women before under my care, I trembled at the apprehension of a man +of sense who could talk upon trifles, and resolved to stick to my +post with all the circumspection imaginable. In short, I +prepossessed her against all he could say to the advantage of her +dress and person; but he turned again the discourse, where I found I +had no power over her, on the abusing her friends and acquaintance. +He allowed, indeed, that Flora had a little beauty, and a great deal +of wit; but then she was so ungainly in her behaviour, and such a +laughing hoyden! Pastorella had with him the allowance of being +blameless; but what was that towards being praiseworthy? To be only +innocent is not to be virtuous! He afterwards spoke so much against +Mrs. Dipple's forehead, Mrs. Prim's mouth, Mrs. Dentifrice's teeth, +and Mrs. Fidget's cheeks that she grew downright in love with him; +for it is always to be understood that a lady takes all you detract +from the rest of her sex to be a gift to her. In a word, things +went so far that I was dismissed. The next, as I said, I went to +was a common swearer. Never was a creature so puzzled as myself +when I came first to view his brain; half of it was worn out, and +filled up with mere expletives that had nothing to do with any other +parts of the texture; therefore, when he called for his clothes in a +morning, he would cry, 'John!' John does not answer. 'What a +plague! nobody there? What the devil, and rot me, John, for a lazy +dog as you are!' I knew no way to cure him but by writing down all +he said one morning as he was dressing, and laying it before him on +the toilet when he came to pick his teeth. The last recital I gave +him of what he said for half an hour before was, 'What, the devil! +where is the washball? call the chairmen! d--n them, I warrant they +are at the alehouse already! zounds! and confound them!' When he +came to the glass he takes up my note--'Ha! this fellow is worse +than me: what, does he swear with pen and ink?' But, reading on, +he found them to be his own words. The stratagem had so good an +effect upon him that he grew immediately a new man, and is learning +to speak without an oath; which makes him extremely short in his +phrases; for, as I observed before, a common swearer has a brain +without any idea on the swearing side; therefore my ward has yet +mighty little to say, and is forced to substitute some other vehicle +of nonsense to supply the defect of his usual expletives. When I +left him, he made use of 'Odsbodikins! Oh me! and Never stir +alive!' and so forth; which gave me hopes of his recovery. So I +went to the next I told you of, the gamester. When we first take +our place about a man, the receptacles of the pericranium are +immediately searched. In his I found no one ordinary trace of +thinking; but strong passion, violent desires, and a continued +series of different changes had torn it to pieces. There appeared +no middle condition; the triumph of a prince, or the misery of a +beggar, were his alternate states. I was with him no longer than +one day, which was yesterday. In the morning at twelve we were +worth four thousand pounds; at three, we were arrived at six +thousand; half an hour after, we were reduced to one thousand; at +four of the clock, we were down to two hundred; at five, to fifty; +at six, to five; at seven, to one guinea; the next bet to nothing. +This morning he borrowed half a crown of the maid who cleans his +shoes, and is now gaming in Lincoln's Inn Fields among the boys for +farthings and oranges, till he has made up three pieces, and then he +returns to White's into the best company in town." + +Thus ended our first discourse; and it is hoped that you will +forgive me that I have picked so little out of my companion at our +first interview. In the next it is possible he may tell me more +pleasing incidents; for though he is a familiar, he is not an evil, +spirit. + + + +III.--PACOLET'S STORY. + + From my own Apartment, May 12. + +I have taken a resolution hereafter, on any want of intelligence, to +carry my Familiar abroad with me, who has promised to give me very +proper and just notices of persons and things, to make up the +history of the passing day. He is wonderfully skilful in the +knowledge of men and manners, which has made me more than ordinarily +curious to know how he came to that perfection, and I communicated +to him that doubt. "Mr. Pacolet," said I, "I am mightily surprised +to see you so good a judge of our nature and circumstances, since +you are a mere spirit, and have no knowledge of the bodily part of +us." He answered, smiling, "You are mistaken; I have been one of +you, and lived a month amongst you, which gives me an exact sense of +your condition. You are to know that all who enter into human life +have a certain date or stamen given to their being which they only +who die of age may be said to have arrived at; but it is ordered +sometimes by fate, that such as die infants are, after death, to +attend mankind to the end of that stamen of being in themselves +which was broken off by sickness or any other disaster. These are +proper guardians to men, as being sensible of the infirmity of their +State. You are philosopher enough to know that the difference of +men's understandings proceeds only from the various dispositions of +their organs; so that he who dies at a month old is in the next life +as knowing, though more innocent, as they who live to fifty; and +after death they have as perfect a memory and judgment of all that +passed in their lifetime as I have of all the revolutions in that +uneasy, turbulent condition of yours; and you would say I had enough +of it in a month were I to tell you all my misfortunes." "A life of +a month cannot have, one would think, much variety. But pray," said +I, "let us have your story." + +Then he proceeds in the following manner:-- + +"It was one of the most wealthy families in Great Britain into which +I was born, and it was a very great happiness to me that it so +happened, otherwise I had still, in all probability, been living; +but I shall recount to you all the occurrences of my short and +miserable existence, just as, by examining into the traces made in +my brain, they appeared to me at that time. The first thing that +ever struck my senses was a noise over my head of one shrieking; +after which, methought, I took a full jump, and found myself in the +hands of a sorceress, who seemed as if she had been long waking and +employed in some incantation: I was thoroughly frightened, and +cried out; but she immediately seemed to go on in some magical +operation, and anointed me from head to foot. What they meant I +could not imagine; for there gathered a great crowd about me, +crying, 'An heir! an heir!' upon which I grew a little still, and +believed this was a ceremony to be used only to great persons, and +such as made them, what they called Heirs. I lay very quiet; but +the witch, for no manner of reason or provocation in the world, +takes me, and binds my head as hard as possibly she could; then ties +up both my legs, and makes me swallow down a horrid mixture. I +thought it a harsh entrance into life, to begin with taking physic; +but I was forced to it, or else must have taken down a great +instrument in which she gave it me. When I was thus dressed, I was +carried to a bedside, where a fine young lady, my mother I wot, had +like to have hugged me to death. From her they faced me about, and +there was a thing with quite another look from the rest of the room, +to whom they talked about my nose. He seemed wonderfully pleased to +see me; but I knew since, my nose belonged to another family. That +into which I was born is one of the most numerous amongst you; +therefore crowds of relations came every day to congratulate my +arrival; among others my cousin Betty, the greatest romp in nature; +she whisks me such a height over her head that I cried out for fear +of falling. She pinched me, and called me squealing chit, and threw +me into a girl's arms that was taken in to tend me. The girl was +very proud of the womanly employment of a nurse, and took upon her +to strip and dress me a-new, because I made a noise, to see what +ailed me; she did so, and stuck a pin in every joint about me. I +still cried; upon which she lays me on my face in her lap; and, to +quiet me, fell a-nailing in all the pins by clapping me on the back +and screaming a lullaby. But my pain made me exalt my voice above +hers, which brought up the nurse, the witch I first saw, and my +grandmother. The girl is turned downstairs, and I stripped again, +as well to find what ailed me as to satisfy my grandam's farther +curiosity. This good old woman's visit was the cause of all my +troubles. You are to understand that I was hitherto bred by hand, +and anybody that stood next gave me pap, if I did but open my lips; +insomuch that I was grown so cunning as to pretend myself asleep +when I was not, to prevent my being crammed. But my grandmother +began a loud lecture upon the idleness of the wives of this age, +who, for fear of their shape, forbear suckling their own offspring; +and ten nurses were immediately sent for; one was whispered to have +a wanton eye, and would soon spoil her milk; another was in a +consumption; the third had an ill voice, and would frighten me +instead of lulling me to sleep. Such exceptions were made against +all but one country milch-wench, to whom I was committed, and put to +the breast. This careless jade was eternally romping with the +footman and downright starved me; insomuch that I daily pined away, +and should never have been relieved had it not been that, on the +thirtieth day of my life, a Fellow of the Royal Society, who had +writ upon Cold Baths, came to visit me, and solemnly protested I was +utterly lost for want of that method; upon which he soused me head +and ears into a pail of water, where I had the good fortune to be +drowned; and so escaped being lashed into a linguist till sixteen, +and being married to an ill-natured wife till sixty, which had +certainly been my fate had not the enchantment between body and soul +been broken by this philosopher. Thus, till the age I should have +otherwise lived, I am obliged to watch the steps of men; and, if you +please, shall accompany you in your present walk, and get you +intelligence from the aerial lackey, who is in waiting, what are the +thoughts and purposes of any whom you inquire for." + +I accepted his kind offer, and immediately took him with me in a +hack to White's. + + + ----- + + White's Chocolate-house, May +13. + +We got in hither, and my companion threw a powder round us, that +made me as invisible as himself; so that we could see and hear all +others, ourselves unseen and unheard. + +The first thing we took notice of was a nobleman of a goodly and +frank aspect, with his generous birth and temper visible in it, +playing at cards with a creature of a black and horrid countenance, +wherein were plainly delineated the arts of his mind, cozenage, and +falsehood. They were marking their game with counters, on which we +could see inscriptions, imperceptible to any but us. My Lord had +scored with pieces of ivory, on which were writ, "Good Fame, Glory, +Riches, Honour, and Posterity!" The spectre over-against him had on +his counters the inscriptions of "Dishonour, Impudence, Poverty, +Ignorance, and Want of Shame." "Bless me!", said I; "sure, my Lord +does not see what he plays for?" "As well as I do," says Pacolet. +"He despises that fellow he plays with, and scorns himself for +making him his companion." At the very instant he was speaking, I +saw the fellow who played with my Lord hide two cards in the roll of +his stocking. Pacolet immediately stole them from thence; upon +which the nobleman soon after won the game. The little triumph he +appeared in, when he got such a trifling stock of ready money, +though he had ventured so great sums with indifference, increased my +admiration. But Pacolet began to talk to me. "Mr. Isaac, this to +you looks wonderful, but not at all to us higher beings: that +nobleman has as many good qualities as any man of his order, and +seems to have no faults but what, as I may say, are excrescences +from virtues. He is generous to a prodigality, more affable than is +consistent with his quality, and courageous to a rashness. Yet, +after all this, the source of his whole conduct is, though he would +hate himself if he knew it, mere avarice. The ready cash laid +before the gamester's counters makes him venture, as you see, and +lay distinction against infamy, abundance against want; in a word, +all that is desirable against all that is to be avoided." +"However," said I, "be sure you disappoint the sharpers to-night, +and steal from them all the cards they hide." Pacolet obeyed me, +and my Lord went home with their whole bank in his pocket. + + + +IV.--RECOLLECTIONS. + +It is remarkable that I was bred by hand, and ate nothing but milk +till I was a twelvemonth old; from which time, to the eighth year of +my age, I was observed to delight in pudding and potatoes; and, +indeed, I retain a benevolence for that sort of food to this day. I +do not remember that I distinguished myself in anything at those +years but by my great skill at taw, for which I was so barbarously +used that it has ever since given me an aversion to gaming. In my +twelfth year, I suffered very much for two or three false concords. +At fifteen I was sent to the university, and stayed there for some +time; but a drum passing by, being a lover of music, I listed myself +for a soldier. As years came on, I began to examine things, and +grew discontented at the times. This made me quit the sword, and +take to the study of the occult sciences, in which I was so wrapped +up that Oliver Cromwell had been buried, and taken up again, five +years before I heard he was dead. This gave me first the reputation +of a conjurer, which has been of great disadvantage to me ever +since, and kept me out of all public employments. The greater part +of my later years has been divided between Dick's coffee-house, the +Trumpet in Sheer Lane, and my own lodgings. + + ----- + + From my own Apartment, June 5. + +There are those among mankind who can enjoy no relish of their being +except the world is made acquainted with all that relates to them, +and think everything lost that passes unobserved; but others find a +solid delight in stealing by the crowd, and modelling their life +after such a manner as is as much above the approbation as the +practice of the vulgar. Life being too short to give instances +great enough of true friendship or good-will, some sages have +thought it pious to preserve a certain reverence for the Manes of +their deceased friends; and have withdrawn themselves from the rest +of the world at certain seasons, to commemorate in their own +thoughts such of their acquaintance who have gone before them out of +this life. And indeed, when we are advanced in years, there is not +a more pleasing entertainment than to recollect in a gloomy moment +the many we have parted with that have been dear and agreeable to +us, and to cast a melancholy thought or two after those with whom, +perhaps, we have indulged ourselves in whole nights of mirth and +jollity. With such inclinations in my heart I went to my closet +yesterday in the evening, and resolved to be sorrowful; upon which +occasion I could not but look with disdain upon myself, that though +all the reasons which I had to lament the loss of many of my friends +are now as forcible as at the moment of their departure, yet did not +my heart swell with the same sorrow which I felt at that time; but I +could, without tears, reflect upon many pleasing adventures I have +had with some, who have long been blended with common earth. Though +it is by the benefit of nature that length of time thus blots out +the violence of afflictions; yet with tempers too much given to +pleasure, it is almost necessary to revive the old places of grief +in our memory; and ponder step by step on past life, to lead the +mind into that sobriety of thought which poises the heart, and makes +it beat with due time, without being quickened with desire, or +retarded with despair, from its proper and equal motion. When we +wind up a clock that is out of order, to make it go well for the +future, we do not immediately set the hand to the present instant, +but we make it strike the round of all its hours, before it can +recover the regularity of its time. Such, thought I, shall be my +method this evening; and since it is that day of the year which I +dedicate to the memory of such in another life as I much delighted +in when living, an hour or two shall be sacred to sorrow and their +memory, while I run over all the melancholy circumstances of this +kind which have occurred to me in my whole life. + +The first sense of sorrow I ever knew was upon the death of my +father, at which time I was not quite five years of age; but was +rather amazed at what all the house meant than possessed with a real +understanding why nobody was willing to play with me. I remember I +went into the room where his body lay, and my mother sat weeping +alone by it. I had my battledore in my band, and fell a-beating the +coffin, and calling Papa; for, I know not how, I had some slight +idea that he was locked up there. My mother catched me in her arms, +and, transported beyond all patience of the silent grief she was +before in, she almost smothered me in her embrace; and told me in a +flood of tears, "Papa could not hear me, and would play with me no +more, for they were going to put him under ground, whence he could +never come to us again." She was a very beautiful woman, of a noble +spirit, and there was a dignity in her grief amidst all the wildness +of her transport which, methought, struck me with an instinct of +sorrow, which, before I was sensible of what it was to grieve, +seized my very soul, and has made pity the weakness of my heart ever +since. The mind in infancy is, methinks, like the body in embryo; +and receives impressions so forcible that they are as hard to be +removed by reason as any mark with which a child is born is to be +taken away by any future application. Hence it is that good-nature +in me is no merit; but having been so frequently overwhelmed with +her tears before I knew the cause of any affliction, or could draw +defences from my own judgment, I imbibed commiseration, remorse, and +an unmanly gentleness of mind, which has since ensnared me into ten +thousand calamities; and from whence I can reap no advantage, except +it be that, in such a humour as I am now in, I can the better +indulge myself in the softness of humanity, and enjoy that sweet +anxiety which arises from the memory of past afflictions. + +We, that are very old, are better able to remember things which +befell us in our distant youth than the passages of later days. For +this reason it is that the companions of my strong and vigorous +years present themselves more immediately to me in this office of +sorrow. Untimely or unhappy deaths are what we are most apt to +lament: so little are we able to make it indifferent when a thing +happens, though we know it must happen. Thus we groan under life, +and bewail those who are relieved from it. Every object that +returns to our imagination raises different passions, according to +the circumstance of their departure. Who can have lived in an army, +and in a serious hour reflect upon the many gay and agreeable men +that might long have flourished in the arts of peace, and not join +with the imprecations of the fatherless and widow on the tyrant to +whose ambition they fell sacrifices? But gallant men, who are cut +oft by the sword, move rather our veneration than our pity; and we +gather relief enough from their own contempt of death, to make it no +evil, which was approached with so much cheerfulness, and attended +with so much honour. But when we turn our thoughts from the great +parts of life on such occasions, and instead of lamenting those who +stood ready to give death to those from whom they had the fortune to +receive it; I say, when we let our thoughts wander from such noble +objects, and consider the havoc which is made among the tender and +the innocent, pity enters with an unmixed softness, and possesses +all our souls at once. + +Here, were there words to express such sentiments with proper +tenderness, I should record the beauty, innocence, and untimely +death of the first object my eyes ever beheld with love. The +beauteous virgin! how ignorantly did she charm, how carelessly +excel! Oh, Death! thou hast right to the bold, to the ambitious, to +the high, and to the haughty; but why this cruelty to the humble, to +the meek, to the undiscerning, to the thoughtless? Nor age, nor +business, nor distress can erase the dear image from my imagination. +In the same week, I saw her dressed for a ball, and in a shroud. +How ill did the habit of death become the pretty trifler! I still +behold the smiling earth--A large train of disasters were coming on +to my memory, when my servant knocked at my closet-door, and +interrupted me with a letter, attended with a hamper of wine, of the +same sort with that which is to be put to sale on Thursday next at +Garraway's coffee-house. Upon the receipt of it I sent for three of +my friends. We are so intimate that we can be company in whatever +state of mind we meet, and can entertain each other without +expecting always to rejoice. The wine we found to be generous and +warming, but with such a heat as moved us rather to be cheerful than +frolicsome. It revived the spirits, without firing the blood. We +commended it till two of the clock this morning; and having to-day +met a little before dinner, we found that, though we drank two +bottles a man, we had much more reason to recollect than forget what +had passed the night before. + + + +V.--MARRIAGE OF SISTER JENNY. + + From my own Apartment, September 3O. + +I am called off from public dissertations by a domestic affair of +great importance, which is no less than the disposal of my sister +Jenny for life. The girl is a girl of great merit and pleasing +conversation: but I being born of my father's first wife, and she +of his third, she converses with me rather like a daughter than a +sister. I have indeed told her that if she kept her honour, and +behaved herself in such a manner as became the Bickerstaffs, I would +get her an agreeable man for her husband; which was a promise I made +her after reading a passage in Pliny's "Epistles." That polite +author had been employed to find out a consort for his friend's +daughter, and gives the following character of the man he had +pitched upon. "Aciliano plurimum vigoris et industriae quanquam in +maxima verecundia: est illi facies liberalis, multo sanguine, multo +rubore, suffusa: est ingenua totius corporis pulchritudo et quidam +senatorius decor, quae ego nequaquam arbitror negligenda: debet +enim hoc castitati puellarum quasi praemium dari." "Acilianus," for +that was the gentleman's name, "is a man of extraordinary vigour and +industry, accompanied with the greatest modesty: he has very much +of the gentleman, with a lively colour, and flush of health in his +aspect. His whole person is finely turned, and speaks him a man of +quality; which are qualifications that, I think, ought by no means +to be overlooked, and should be bestowed on a daughter as the reward +of her chastity." + +A woman that will give herself liberties need not put her parents to +so much trouble; for if she does not possess these ornaments in a +husband she can supply herself elsewhere. But this is not the case +of my sister Jenny, who, I may say without vanity, is as unspotted a +spinster as any in Great Britain. I shall take this occasion to +recommend the conduct of our own family in this particular. + +We have, in the genealogy of our house, the descriptions and +pictures of our ancestors from the time of King Arthur, in whose +days there was one of my own name, a knight of his round table, and +known by the name of Sir Isaac Bickerstaff. He was low of stature, +and of a very swarthy complexion, not unlike a Portuguese Jew. But +he was more prudent than men of that height usually are, and would +often communicate to his friends his design of lengthening and +whitening his posterity. His eldest son Ralph, for that was his +name, was for this reason married to a lady who had little else to +recommend her but that she was very tall and very fair. The issue +of this match, with the help of high shoes, made a tolerable figure +in the next age, though the complexion of the family was obscure +till the fourth generation from that marriage. From which time, +till the reign of William the Conqueror, the females of our house +were famous for their needlework and fine skins. In the male line +there happened an unlucky accident in the reign of Richard III., the +eldest son of Philip, then chief of the family, being born with a +hump-back and very high nose. This was the more astonishing, +because none of his forefathers ever had such a blemish, nor indeed +was there any in the neighbourhood of that make, except the butler, +who was noted for round shoulders and a Roman nose; what made the +nose the less excusable was the remarkable smallness of his eyes. + +These several defects were mended by succeeding matches: the eyes +were open in the next generation, and the hump fell in a century and +a half, but the greatest difficulty was how to reduce the nose, +which I do not find was accomplished till about the middle of the +reign of Henry VII., or rather the beginning of that of Henry VIII. + +But while our ancestors were thus taken up in cultivating the eyes +and nose, the face of the Bickerstaffs fell down insensibly into +chin, which was not taken notice of, their thoughts being so much +employed upon the more noble features, till it became almost too +long to be remedied. + +But length of time, and successive care in our alliances, have cured +this also, and reduced our faces into that tolerable oval which we +enjoy at present. I would not be tedious in this discourse, but +cannot but observe that our race suffered very much about three +hundred years ago, by the marriage of one of our heiresses with an +eminent courtier, who gave us spindle-shanks and cramps in our +bones; insomuch, that we did not recover our health and legs till +Sir Walter Bickerstaff married Maud the milkmaid, of whom the then +Garter King-at-Arms, a facetious person, said pleasantly enough, +"that she had spoiled our blood, but mended our constitutions." + +After this account of the effect our prudent choice of matches has +had upon our persons and features, I cannot but observe that there +are daily instances of as great changes made by marriage upon men's +minds and humours. One might wear any passion out of a family by +culture, as skilful gardeners blot a colour out of a tulip that +hurts its beauty. One might produce an affable temper out of a +shrew, by grafting the mild upon the choleric; or raise a +jack-pudding from a prude, by inoculating mirth and melancholy. It +is for want of care in the disposing of our children, with regard to +our bodies and minds, that we go into a house and see such different +complexions and humours in the same race and family. But to me it +is as plain as a pikestaff, from what mixture it is that this +daughter silently lours, the other steals a kind look at you, a +third is exactly well behaved, a fourth a splenetic, and a fifth a +coquette. + +In this disposal of my sister, I have chosen with an eye to her +being a wit, and provided that the bridegroom be a man of a sound +and excellent judgment, who will seldom mind what she says when she +begins to harangue, for Jenny's only imperfection is an admiration +of her parts, which inclines her to be a little, but very little, +sluttish; and you are ever to remark that we are apt to cultivate +most, and bring into observation what we think most excellent in +ourselves, or most capable of improvement. Thus, my sister, instead +of consulting her glass and her toilet for an hour and a half after +her private devotion, sits with her nose full of snuff and a man's +nightcap on her head, reading plays and romances. Her wit she +thinks her distinction, therefore knows nothing of the skill of +dress, or making her person agreeable. It would make you laugh to +see me often, with my spectacles on, lacing her stays, for she is so +very a wit, that she understands no ordinary thing in the world. + +For this reason I have disposed of her to a man of business, who +will soon let her see that to be well dressed, in good humour, and +cheerful in the command of her family, are the arts and sciences of +female life. I could have bestowed her upon a fine gentleman, who +extremely admired her wit, and would have given her a coach and six, +but I found it absolutely necessary to cross the strain; for had +they met, they had entirely been rivals in discourse, and in +continual contention for the superiority of understanding, and +brought forth critics, pedants, or pretty good poets. As it is, I +expect an offspring fit for the habitation of the city, town or +country; creatures that are docile and tractable in whatever we put +them to. + +To convince men of the necessity of taking this method, let any one +even below the skill of an astrologer, behold the turn of faces he +meets as soon as he passes Cheapside Conduit, and you see a deep +attention and a certain unthinking sharpness in every countenance. +They look attentive, but their thoughts are engaged on mean +purposes. To me it is very apparent, when I see a citizen pass by, +whether his head is upon woollen, silks, iron, sugar, indigo, or +stocks. Now this trace of thought appears or lies hid in the race +for two or three generations. + +I know at this time a person of a vast estate, who is the immediate +descendant of a fine gentleman, but the great grandson of a broker, +in whom his ancestor is now revived. He is a very honest gentleman +in his principles, but cannot for his blood talk fairly; he is +heartily sorry for it; but he cheats by constitution, and +over-reaches by instinct. + +The happiness of the man who marries my sister will be, that he has +no faults to correct in her but her own, a little bias of fancy, or +particularity of manners which grew in herself, and can be amended +by her. From such an untainted couple we can hope to have our +family rise to its ancient splendour of face, air, countenance, +manner, and shape, without discovering the product of ten nations in +one house. Obadiah Greenhat says, "he never comes into any company +in England, but he distinguishes the different nations of which we +are composed." There is scarce such a living creature as a true +Briton. We sit down, indeed, all friends, acquaintance, and +neighbours; but after two bottles you see a Dane start up and swear, +"the kingdom is his own." A Saxon drinks up the whole quart, and +swears he will dispute that with him. A Norman tells them both, he +will assert his liberty; and a Welshman cries, "They are all +foreigners and intruders of yesterday," and beats them out of the +room. Such accidents happen frequently among neighbours' children, +and cousin-germans. For which reason I say study your race, or the +soil of your family will dwindle into cits or 'squires, or run up +into wits or madmen. + + + +VI.--PROFESSIONAL: A CASE OF SPLEEN. + + White's Chocolate House, October 12. + +It will be allowed me that I have all along showed great respect in +matters which concern the fair sex; but the inhumanity with which +the author of the following letter has been used is not to be +suffered:-- + +"Sir, + "Yesterday I had the misfortune to drop in at my Lady Haughty's +upon her visiting-day. When I entered the room where she receives +company, they all stood up indeed; but they stood as if they were to +stare at, rather than to receive me. After a long pause, a servant +brought a round stool, on which I sat down at the lower end of the +room, in the presence of no less than twelve persons, gentlemen and +ladies, lolling in elbow-chairs. And, to complete my disgrace, my +mistress was of the society. I tried to compose myself in vain, not +knowing how to dispose of either my legs or arms, nor how to shape +my countenance, the eyes of the whole room being still upon me in a +profound silence. My confusion at last was so great, that, without +speaking, or being spoken to, I fled for it, and left the assembly +to treat me at their discretion. A lecture from you upon these +inhuman distinctions in a free nation will, I doubt not, prevent the +like evils for the future, and make it, as we say, as cheap sitting +as standing. + "I am, with the greatest respect, Sir, + "Your most humble, and + "Most obedient servant, + "J. R. +"Oct. 9. + +"P.S.--I had almost forgot to inform you that a fair young lady sat +in an armless chair upon my right hand, with manifest discontent in +her looks." + +Soon after the receipt of this epistle, I heard a very gentle knock +at my door. My maid went down and brought up word "that a tall, +lean, black man, well dressed, who said he had not the honour to be +acquainted with me, desired to be admitted." I bid her show him up, +met him at my chamber-door, and then fell back a few paces. He +approached me with great respect, and told me, with a low voice, "he +was the gentleman that had been seated upon the round stool." I +immediately recollected that there was a joint-stool in my chamber, +which I was afraid he might take for an instrument of distinction, +and therefore winked at my boy to carry it into my closet. I then +took him by the hand, and led him to the upper end of my room, where +I placed him in my great elbow-chair, at the same time drawing +another without arms to it for myself to sit by him. I then asked +him, "at what time this misfortune befell him?" He answered, +"Between the hours of seven and eight in the evening." I further +demanded of him what he had ate or drank that day? He replied, +"Nothing but a dish of water-gruel with a few plums in it." In the +next place, I felt his pulse, which was very low and languishing. +These circumstances confirmed me in an opinion, which I had +entertained upon the first reading of his letter, that the gentleman +was far gone in the spleen. I therefore advised him to rise the +next morning, and plunge into the cold bath, there to remain under +water till he was almost drowned. This I ordered him to repeat six +days successively; and on the seventh to repair at the wonted hour +to my Lady Haughty's, and to acquaint me afterwards with what he +shall meet with there: and particularly to tell me, whether he +shall think they stared upon him so much as the time before. The +gentleman smiled; and, by his way of talking to me, showed himself a +man of excellent sense in all particulars, unless when a cane-chair, +a round or a joint-stool, were spoken of. He opened his heart to me +at the same time concerning several other grievances, such as being +overlooked in public assemblies, having his bows unanswered, being +helped last at table, and placed at the back part of a coach, with +many other distresses, which have withered his countenance, and worn +him to a skeleton. Finding him a man of reason, I entered into the +bottom of his distemper. "Sir," said I, "there are more of your +constitution in this island of Great Britain than in any other part +of the world: and I beg the favour of you to tell me whether you do +not observe that you meet with most affronts in rainy days?" He +answered candidly, "that he had long observed, that people were less +saucy in sunshine than in cloudy weather." Upon which I told him +plainly, "his distemper was the spleen; and that though the world +was very ill-natured, it was not so bad as he believed it." I +further assured him, "that his use of the cold bath, with a course +of STEEL which I should prescribe him, would certainly cure most of +his acquaintance of their rudeness, ill-behaviour, and +impertinence." My patient smiled and promised to observe my +prescriptions, not forgetting to give me an account of their +operation. + + + +VII.--THE DREAM OF FAME. + + From my own Apartment, October 14. + +There are two kinds of immortality, that which the soul really +enjoys after this life, and that imaginary existence by which men +live in their fame and reputation. The best and greatest actions +have proceeded from the prospect of the one or the other of these; +but my design is to treat only of those who have chiefly proposed to +themselves the latter as the principal reward of their labours. It +was for this reason that I excluded from my Tables of Fame all the +great founders and votaries of religion; and it is for this reason +also that I am more than ordinarily anxious to do justice to the +persons of whom I am now going to speak, for, since fame was the +only end of all their enterprises and studies, a man cannot be too +scrupulous in allotting them their due proportion of it. It was +this consideration which made me call the whole body of the learned +to my assistance; to many of whom I must own my obligations for the +catalogues of illustrious persons which they have sent me in upon +this occasion. I yesterday employed the whole afternoon in +comparing them with each other, which made so strong an impression +upon my imagination, that they broke my sleep for the first part of +the following night, and at length threw me into a very agreeable +vision, which I shall beg leave to describe in all its particulars. + +I dreamed that I was conveyed into a wide and boundless plain, that +was covered with prodigious multitudes of people, which no man could +number. In the midst of it there stood a mountain, with its head +above the clouds. The sides were extremely steep, and of such a +particular structure, that no creature which was not made in a human +figure could possibly ascend it. On a sudden there was heard from +the top of it a sound like that of a trumpet, but so exceeding sweet +and harmonious, that it filled the hearts of those who heard it with +raptures, and gave such high and delightful sensations, as seemed to +animate and raise human nature above itself. This made me very much +amazed to find so very few in that innumerable multitude who had +ears fine enough to hear or relish this music with pleasure; but my +wonder abated when, upon looking round me, I saw most of them +attentive to three Syrens, clothed like goddesses, and distinguished +by the names of Sloth, Ignorance, and Pleasure. They were seated on +three rocks, amidst a beautiful variety of groves, meadows, and +rivulets that lay on the borders of the mountain. While this base +and grovelling multitude of different nations, ranks, and ages were +listening to these delusive deities, those of a more erect aspect +and exalted spirit separated themselves from the rest, and marched +in great bodies towards the mountain from whence they heard the +sound, which still grew sweeter the more they listened to it. + +On a sudden methought this select band sprang forward, with a +resolution to climb the ascent, and follow the call of that heavenly +music. Every one took something with him that he thought might be +of assistance to him in his march. Several had their swords drawn, +some carried rolls of paper in their hands, some had compasses, +others quadrants, others telescopes, and others pencils. Some had +laurels on their heads, and others buskins on their legs; in short, +there was scarce any instrument of a mechanic art, or liberal +science, which was not made of use on this occasion. My good demon, +who stood at my right hand during this course of the whole vision, +observing in me a burning desire to join that glorious company, told +me, "he highly approved that generous ardour with which I seemed +transported; but at the same time advised me to cover my face with a +mask all the while I was to labour on the ascent." I took his +counsel, without inquiring into his reasons. The whole body now +broke into different parties, and began to climb the precipice by +ten thousand different paths. Several got into little alleys, which +did not reach far up the hill before they ended, and led no further; +and I observed that most of the artizans, which considerably +diminished our number, fell into these paths. + +We left another considerable body of adventurers behind us who +thought they had discovered byways up the hill, which proved so very +intricate and perplexed, that after having advanced in them a little +they were quite lost among the several turns and windings; and +though they were as active as any in their motions, they made but +little progress in the ascent. These, as my guide informed me, were +men of subtle tempers, and puzzled politics, who would supply the +place of real wisdom with cunning and artifice. Among those who +were far advanced in their way there were some that by one false +step fell backward, and lost more ground in a moment, than they had +gained for many hours, or could be ever able to recover. We were +now advanced very high, and observed that all the different paths +which ran about the sides of the mountain began to meet in two great +roads, which insensibly gathered the whole multitude of travellers +into two great bodies. At a little distance from the entrance of +each road there stood a hideous phantom, that opposed our further +passage. One of these apparitions had his right hand filled with +darts, which he brandished in the face of all who came up that way. +Crowds ran back at the appearance of it, and cried out, "Death!" +The spectre that guarded the other road was Envy. She was not armed +with weapons of destruction, like the former, but by dreadful +hissings, noises of reproach, and a horrid distracted laughter; she +appeared more frightful than Death itself, insomuch that abundance +of our company were discouraged from passing any further, and some +appeared ashamed of having come so far. As for myself, I must +confess my heart shrunk within me at the sight of these ghastly +appearances; but, on a sudden, the voice of the trumpet came more +full upon us, so that we felt a new resolution reviving in us, and +in proportion as this resolution grew the terrors before us seemed +to vanish. Most of the company, who had swords in their hands, +marched on with great spirit, and an air of defiance, up the road +that was commanded by Death; while others, who had thought and +contemplation in their looks, went forward in a more composed manner +up the road possessed by Envy. The way above these apparitions grew +smooth and uniform, and was so delightful, that the travellers went +on with pleasure, and in a little time arrived at the top of the +mountain. They here began to breathe a delicious kind of ether, and +saw all the fields about them covered with a kind of purple light, +that made them reflect with satisfaction on their past toils, and +diffused a secret joy through the whole assembly, which showed +itself in every look and feature. In the midst of these happy +fields there stood a palace of a very glorious structure. It had +four great folding-doors that faced the four several quarters of the +world. On the top of it was enthroned the goddess of the mountain, +who smiled upon her votaries, and sounded the silver trumpet which +had called them up, and cheered them in their passage to her palace. +They had now formed themselves into several divisions, a band of +historians taking their stations at each door, according to the +persons whom they were to introduce. + +On a sudden the trumpet, which had hitherto sounded only a march, or +a point of war, now swelled all its notes into triumph and +exultation. The whole fabric shook, and the doors flew open. The +first who stepped forward was a beautiful and blooming hero, and, as +I heard by the murmurs round me, Alexander the Great. He was +conducted by a crowd of historians. The person who immediately +walked before him was remarkable for an embroidered garment, who, +not being well acquainted with the place, was conducting him to an +apartment appointed for the reception of fabulous heroes. The name +of this false guide was Quintus Curtius. But Arrian and Plutarch, +who knew better the avenues of this palace, conducted him into the +great hall, and placed him at the upper end of the first table. My +good demon, that I might see the whole ceremony, conveyed me to a +corner of this room, where I might perceive all that passed without +being seen myself. The next who entered was a charming virgin, +leading in a venerable old man that was blind. Under her left arm +she bore a harp, and on her head a garland. Alexander, who was very +well acquainted with Homer, stood up at his entrance, and placed him +on his right hand. The virgin, who it seems was one of the Nine +Sisters that attended on the Goddess of Fame, smiled with an +ineffable grace at their meeting, and retired. + +Julius Caesar was now coming forward; and though most of the +historians offered their service to introduce him, he left them at +the door, and would have no conductor but himself. + +The next who advanced was a man of a homely but cheerful aspect, and +attended by persons of greater figure than any that appeared on this +occasion. Plato was on his right hand, and Xenophon on his left. +He bowed to Homer, and sat down by him. It was expected that Plato +would himself have taken a place next to his master Socrates: but +on a sudden there was heard a great clamour of disputants at the +door, who appeared with Aristotle at the head of them. That +philosopher, with some rudeness, but great strength of reason, +convinced the whole table that a title to the fifth place was his +due, and took it accordingly. + +He had scarce sat down, when the same beautiful virgin that had +introduced Homer brought in another, who hung back at the entrance, +and would have excused himself, had not his modesty been overcome by +the invitation of all who sat at the table. His guide and behaviour +made me easily conclude it was Virgil. Cicero next appeared, and +took his place. He had inquired at the door for Lucceius to +introduce him, but not finding him there, he contented himself with +the attendance of many other writers, who all, except Sallust, +appeared highly pleased with the office. + +We waited some time in expectation of the next worthy, who came in +with a great retinue of historians, whose names I could not learn, +most of them being natives of Carthage. The person thus conducted, +who was Hannibal, seemed much disturbed, and could not forbear +complaining to the board of the affronts he had met with among the +Roman historians, "who attempted," says he, "to carry me into the +subterraneous apartment, and perhaps would have done it, had it not +been for the impartiality of this gentleman," pointing to Polybius, +"who was the only person, except my own countrymen, that was willing +to conduct me hither." + +The Carthaginian took his seat, and Pompey entered, with great +dignity in his own person, and preceded by several historians. +Lucan the poet was at the head of them, who, observing Homer and +Virgil at the table, was going to sit down himself, had not the +latter whispered him that whatever pretence he might otherwise have +had, he forfeited his claim to it by coming in as one of the +historians. Lucan was so exasperated with the repulse, that he +muttered something to himself, and was heard to say that since he +could not have a seat among them himself, he would bring in one who +alone had more merit than their whole assembly: upon which he went +to the door and brought in Cato of Utica. That great man approached +the company with such an air that showed he contemned the honour +which he laid a claim to. Observing the seat opposite to Caesar was +vacant, he took possession of it, and spoke two or three smart +sentences upon the nature of precedency, which, according to him, +consisted not in place, but in intrinsic merit: to which he added, +"that the most virtuous man, wherever he was seated, was always at +the upper end of the table." Socrates, who had a great spirit of +raillery with his wisdom, could not forbear smiling at a virtue +which took so little pains to make itself agreeable. Cicero took +the occasion to make a long discourse in praise of Cato, which he +uttered with much vehemence. Caesar answered him with a great deal +of seeming temper, but, as I stood at a great distance from them, I +was not able to hear one word of what they said. But I could not +forbear taking notice that in all the discourse which passed at the +table a word or nod from Homer decided the controversy. + +After a short pause Augustus appeared, looking round him, with a +serene and affable countenance, upon all the writers of his age, who +strove among themselves which of them should show him the greatest +marks of gratitude and respect. Virgil rose from the table to meet +him; and though he was an acceptable guest to all, he appeared more +such to the learned than the military worthies. + +The next man astonished the whole table with his appearance. He was +slow, solemn, and silent in his behaviour, and wore a raiment +curiously wrought with hieroglyphics. As he came into the middle of +the room, he threw back the skirt of it, and discovered a golden +thigh. Socrates, at the sight of it, declared against keeping +company with any who were not made of flesh and blood, and, +therefore, desired Diogenes the Laertian to lead him to the +apartment allotted for fabulous heroes and worthies of dubious +existence. At his going out he told them, "that they did not know +whom they dismissed; that he was now Pythagoras, the first of +philosophers, and that formerly he had been a very brave man at the +Siege of Troy." "That may be true," said Socrates, "but you forget +that you have likewise been a very great harlot in your time." This +exclusion made way for Archimedes, who came forward with a scheme of +mathematical figures in his hand, among which I observed a cone and +a cylinder. + +Seeing this table full, I desired my guide, for variety, to lead me +to the fabulous apartment, the roof of which was painted with +Gorgons, Chimeras, and Centaurs, with many other emblematical +figures, which I wanted both time and skill to unriddle. The first +table was almost full. At the upper end sat Hercules, leaning an +arm upon his club; on his right hand were Achilles and Ulysses, and +between them AEneas; on his left were Hector, Theseus, and Jason: +the lower end had Orpheus, AEsop, Phalaris, and Musaeus. The ushers +seemed at a loss for a twelfth man, when, methought, to my great joy +and surprise, I heard some at the lower end of the table mention +Isaac Bickerstaff; but those of the upper end received it with +disdain, and said, "if they must have a British worthy, they would +have Robin Hood!" + +While I was transported with the honour that was done me, and +burning with envy against my competitor, I was awakened by the noise +of the cannon which were then fired for the taking of Mons. I +should have been very much troubled at being thrown out of so +pleasing a vision on any other occasion; but thought it an agreeable +change, to have my thoughts diverted from the greatest among the +dead and fabulous heroes to the most famous among the real and the +living. + + + +VIII.--LOVE AND SORROW. + + From my own Apartment, October 17. + +After the mind has been employed on contemplations suitable to its +greatness, it is unnatural to run into sudden mirth or levity; but +we must let the soul subside, as it rose, by proper degrees. My +late considerations of the ancient heroes impressed a certain +gravity upon my mind, which is much above the little gratification +received from starts of humour and fancy, and threw me into a +pleasing sadness. In this state of thought I have been looking at +the fire, and in a pensive manner reflecting upon the great +misfortunes and calamities incident to human life, among which there +are none that touch so sensibly as those which befall persons who +eminently love, and meet with fatal interruptions of their happiness +when they least expect it. The piety of children to parents, and +the affection of parents to their children, are the effects of +instinct; but the affection between lovers and friends is founded on +reason and choice, which has always made me think the sorrows of the +latter much more to be pitied than those of the former. The +contemplation of distresses of this sort softens the mind of man, +and makes the heart better. It extinguishes the seeds of envy and +ill-will towards mankind, corrects the pride of prosperity, and +beats down all that fierceness and insolence which are apt to get +into the minds of the daring and fortunate. + +For this reason the wise Athenians, in their theatrical +performances, laid before the eyes of the people the greatest +afflictions which could befall human life, and insensibly polished +their tempers by such representations. Among the moderns, indeed, +there has arisen a chimerical method of disposing the fortune of the +persons represented, according to what they call poetical justice; +and letting none be unhappy but those who deserve it. In such +cases, an intelligent spectator, if he is concerned, knows he ought +not to be so, and can learn nothing from such a tenderness, but that +he is a weak creature, whose passions cannot follow the dictates of +his understanding. It is very natural, when one is got into such a +way of thinking, to recollect these examples of sorrow which have +made the strongest impression upon our imaginations. An instance or +two of such you will give me leave to communicate. + +A young gentleman and lady of ancient and honourable houses in +Cornwall had from their childhood entertained for each other a +generous and noble passion, which had been long opposed by their +friends, by reason of the inequality of their fortunes; but their +constancy to each other, and obedience to those on whom they +depended, wrought so much upon their relations, that these +celebrated lovers were at length joined in marriage. Soon after +their nuptials the bridegroom was obliged to go into a foreign +country, to take care of a considerable fortune, which was left him +by a relation, and came very opportunely to improve their moderate +circumstances. They received the congratulations of all the country +on this occasion; and I remember it was a common sentence in +everyone's mouth, "You see how faithful love is rewarded." + +He took this agreeable voyage, and sent home every post fresh +accounts of his success in his affairs abroad; but at last, though +he designed to return with the next ship, he lamented in his letters +that "business would detain him some time longer from home," because +he would give himself the pleasure of an unexpected arrival. + +The young lady, after the heat of the day, walked every evening on +the sea-shore, near which she lived, with a familiar friend, her +husband's kinswoman, and diverted herself with what objects they met +there, or upon discourses of the future methods of life, in the +happy change of their circumstances. They stood one evening on the +shore together in a perfect tranquillity, observing the setting of +the sun, the calm face of the deep, and the silent heaving of the +waves, which gently rolled towards them, and broke at their feet, +when at a distance her kinswoman saw something float on the waters, +which she fancied was a chest, and with a smile told her, "she saw +it first, and if it came ashore full of jewels she had a right to +it." They both fixed their eyes upon it, and entertained themselves +with the subject of the wreck, the cousin still asserting her right, +but promising, "if it was a prize, to give her a very rich coral for +the child which she was then expecting, provided she might be +godmother." Their mirth soon abated when they observed upon the +nearer approach that it was a human body. The young lady, who had a +heart naturally filled with pity and compassion, made many +melancholy reflections on the occasion. "Who knows," said she, "but +this man may be the only hope and heir of a wealthy house; the +darling of indulgent parents, who are now in impertinent mirth, and +pleasing themselves with the thoughts of offering him a bride they +had got ready for him? or, may not he be the master of a family that +wholly depended upon his life? There may, for aught we know, be +half-a-dozen fatherless children and a tender wife, now exposed to +poverty by his death. What pleasure might he have promised himself +in the different welcome he was to have from her and them! But let +us go away; it is a dreadful sight! The best office we can do is to +take care that the poor man, whoever he is, may be decently buried." +She turned away, when the wave threw the carcass on the shore. The +kinswoman immediately shrieked out, "Oh, my cousin!" and fell upon +the ground. The unhappy wife went to help her friend, when she saw +her own husband at her feet, and dropped in a swoon upon the body. +An old woman, who had been the gentleman's nurse, came out about +this time to call the ladies in to supper, and found her child, as +she always called him, dead on the shore, her mistress and kinswoman +both lying dead by him. Her loud lamentations, and calling her +young master to life, soon awaked the friend from her trance, but +the wife was gone for ever. + +When the family and neighbourhood got together round the bodies, no +one asked any question, but the objects before them told the story. + +Incidents of this nature are the more moving when they are drawn by +persons concerned in the catastrophe, notwithstanding they are often +oppressed beyond the power of giving them in a distinct light, +except we gather their sorrow from their inability to speak it. + +I have two original letters, written both on the same day, which are +to me exquisite in their different kinds. The occasion was this. A +gentleman who had courted a most agreeable young woman, and won her +heart, obtained also the consent of her father, to whom she was an +only child. The old man had a fancy that they should be married in +the same church where he himself was, in a village in Westmoreland, +and made them set out while he was laid up with the gout at London. +The bridegroom took only his man, the bride her maid: they had the +most agreeable journey imaginable to the place of marriage, from +whence the bridegroom writ the following letter to his wife's +father:-- + +"Sir, + "After a very pleasant journey hither, we are preparing for the +happy hour in which I am to be your son. I assure you the bride +carries it, in the eye of the vicar who married you, much beyond her +mother though he says your open sleeves, pantaloons, and +shoulder-knot made a much better show than the finical dress I am +in. However, I am contented to be the second fine man this village +ever saw, and shall make it very merry before night, because I shall +write myself from thence, + "Your most dutiful son, + "T. D. +"March 18, 1672. + "The bride gives her duty, and is as handsome as an angel. I +am the happiest man breathing." + +The villagers were assembling about the church, and the happy couple +took a walk in a private garden. The bridegroom's man knew his +master would leave the place on a sudden after the wedding, and +seeing him draw his pistols the night before, took this opportunity +to go into his chamber and charge them. Upon their return from the +garden, they went into that room, and, after a little fond raillery +on the subject of their courtship, the lover took up a pistol, which +he knew he had unloaded the night before, and, presenting it to her, +said, with the most graceful air, whilst she looked pleased at his +agreeable flattery, "Now, madam, repent of all those cruelties you +have been guilty of to me; consider, before you die, how often you +have made a poor wretch freeze under your casement; you shall die, +you tyrant, you shall die, with all those instruments of death and +destruction about you, with that enchanting smile, those killing +ringlets of your hair--" "Give fire!" said she, laughing. He did +so, and shot her dead. Who can speak his condition? but he bore it +so patiently as to call up his man. The poor wretch entered, and +his master locked the door upon him. "Will," said he, "did you +charge these pistols?" He answered, "Yes." Upon which, he shot him +dead with that remaining. After this, amidst a thousand broken +sobs, piercing groans, and distracted motions, he writ the following +letter to the father of his dead mistress:-- + +"Sir, + "I, who two hours ago told you truly I was the happiest man +alive am now the most miserable. Your daughter lies dead at my +feet, killed by my hand, through a mistake of my man's charging my +pistols unknown to me. Him I have murdered for it. Such is my +wedding day. I will immediately follow my wife to her grave, but +before I throw myself upon my sword, I command my distraction so far +as to explain my story to you. I fear my heart will not keep +together till I have stabbed it. Poor good old man! Remember, he +that killed your daughter died for it. In the article of death, I +give you my thanks and pray for you, though I dare not for myself. +If it be possible, do not curse me." + + + +IX.--LOVE AND REASON. + + From my own Apartment, October 19. + +It is my frequent practice to visit places of resort in this town +where I am least known, to observe what reception my works meet with +in the world, and what good effects I may promise myself from my +labours, and it being a privilege asserted by Monsieur Montaigne, +and others, of vain-glorious memory, that we writers of essays may +talk of ourselves, I take the liberty to give an account of the +remarks which I find are made by some of my gentle readers upon +these my dissertations. + +I happened this evening to fall into a coffee-house near the +'Change, where two persons were reading my account of the "Table of +Fame." + +The one of these was commenting as he read, and explaining who was +meant by this and the other worthy as he passed on. I observed the +person over against him wonderfully intent and satisfied with his +explanation. When he came to Julius Caesar, who is said to have +refused any conductor to the table: "No, no," said he, "he is in +the right of it, he has money enough to be welcome wherever he +comes;" and then whispered, "He means a certain colonel of the +Trainbands." Upon reading that Aristotle made his claim with some +rudeness, but great strength of reason; "Who can that be, so rough +and so reasonable? It must be some Whig, I warrant you. There is +nothing but party in these public papers." Where Pythagoras is said +to have a golden thigh, "Ay, ay," said he, "he has money enough in +his breeches; that is the alderman of our ward." You must know, +whatever he read, I found he interpreted from his own way of life +and acquaintance. I am glad my readers can construe for themselves +these difficult points; but, for the benefit of posterity, I design, +when I come to write my last paper of this kind, to make it an +explanation of all my former. In that piece you shall have all I +have commended with their proper names. The faulty characters must +be left as they are, because we live in an age wherein vice is very +general, and virtue very particular; for which reason the latter +only wants explanation. + +But I must turn my present discourse to what is of yet greater +regard to me than the care of my writings; that is to say, the +preservation of a lady's heart. Little did I think I should ever +have business of this kind on my hands more; but, as little as any +one who knows me would believe it, there is a lady at this time who +professes love to me. Her passion and good humour you shall have in +her own words. + +"MR. BICKERSTAFF, + "I had formerly a very good opinion of myself; but it is now +withdrawn, and I have placed it upon you, Mr. Bickerstaff, for whom +I am not ashamed to declare I have a very great passion and +tenderness. It is not for your face, for that I never saw; your +shape and height I am equally a stranger to; but your understanding +charms me, and I am lost if you do not dissemble a little love for +me. I am not without hopes; because I am not like the tawdry gay +things that are fit only to make bone-lace. I am neither +childish-young, nor beldame-old, but, the world says, a good +agreeable woman. + "Speak peace to a troubled heart, troubled only for you; and in +your next paper, let me find your thoughts of me. + "Do not think of finding out who I am, for, notwithstanding +your interest in demons, they cannot help you either to my name, or +a sight of my face; therefore, do not let them deceive you. + "I can bear no discourse, if you are not the subject; and +believe me, I know more of love than you do of astronomy. + "Pray, say some civil things in return to my generosity, and +you shall have my very best pen employed to thank you, and I will +confirm it. + "I am your admirer, + "MARIA." + +There is something wonderfully pleasing in the favour of women; and +this letter has put me in so good a humour, that nothing could +displease me since I received it. My boy breaks glasses and pipes, +and instead of giving him a knock on the pate, as my way is, for I +hate scolding at servants, I only say, "Ah, Jack! thou hast a head, +and so has a pin," or some such merry expression. But, alas! how am +I mortified when he is putting on my fourth pair of stockings on +these poor spindles of mine! "The fair one understands love better +than I astronomy!" I am sure, without the help of that art, this +poor meagre trunk of mine is a very ill habitation for love. She is +pleased to speak civilly of my sense, but Ingenium male habitat is +an invincible difficulty in cases of this nature. I had always, +indeed, from a passion to please the eyes of the fair, a great +pleasure in dress. Add to this, that I have writ songs since I was +sixty, and have lived with all the circumspection of an old beau as +I am. But my friend Horace has very well said: "Every year takes +something from us;" and instructed me to form my pursuits and +desires according to the stage of my life; therefore, I have no more +to value myself upon, than that, I can converse with young people +without peevishness, or wishing myself a moment younger. For which +reason, when I am amongst them, I rather moderate than interrupt +their diversions. But though I have this complacency, I must not +pretend to write to a lady civil things, as Maria desires. Time +was, when I could have told her, "I had received a letter from her +fair hands; and that, if this paper trembled as she read it, it then +best expressed its author," or some other gay conceit. Though I +never saw her, I could have told her, "that good sense and +good-humour smiled in her eyes; that constancy and good-nature dwelt +in her heart; that beauty and good-breeding appeared in all her +actions." When I was five-and-twenty, upon sight of one syllable, +even wrong spelt, by a lady I never saw, I could tell her, "that her +height was that which was fit for inviting our approach, and +commanding our respect; that a smile sat on her lips, which prefaced +her expressions before she uttered them, and her aspect prevented +her speech. All she could say, though she had an infinite deal of +wit, was but a repetition of what was expressed by her form; her +form! which struck her beholders with ideas more moving and forcible +than ever were inspired by music, painting, or eloquence." At this +rate I panted in those days; but ah! sixty-three! I am very sorry I +can only return the agreeable Maria a passion expressed rather from +the head than the heart. + +"DEAR MADAM, + "You have already seen the best of me, and I so passionately +love you that I desire we may never meet. If you will examine your +heart, you will find that you join the man with the philosopher; and +if you have that kind opinion of my sense as you pretend, I question +not but you add to it complexion, air, and shape; but, dear Molly, a +man in his grand climacteric is of no sex. Be a good girl, and +conduct yourself with honour and virtue, when you love one younger +than myself. I am, with the greatest tenderness, your innocent +lover, I. B." + + + +X.--A BUSINESS MEETING. + + From my own Apartment, October 25. + +When I came home last night my servant delivered me the following +letter: + +"SIR, + "I have orders from Sir Harry Quickset, of Staffordshire, +Baronet, to acquaint you that his honour Sir Harry himself, Sir +Giles Wheelbarrow, Knight, Thomas Rentfree, Esquire, Justice of the +Quorum, Andrew Windmill, Esquire, and Mr. Nicholas Doubt, of the +Inner Temple, Sir Harry's grandson, will wait upon you at the hour +of nine to-morrow morning, being Tuesday the twenty-fifth of +October, upon business which Sir Harry will impart to you by word of +mouth. I thought it proper to acquaint you beforehand so many +persons of quality came, that you might not be surprised therewith. +Which concludes, though by many years' absence since I saw you at +Stafford, unknown, Sir, your most humble servant, + "JOHN THRIFTY. +"October 24." + +I received this message with less surprise than I believe Mr. +Thrifty imagined; for I knew the good company too well to feel any +palpitations at their approach; but I was in very great concern how +I should adjust the ceremonial, and demean myself to all these great +men, who perhaps had not seen anything above themselves for these +twenty years last past. I am sure that is the case of Sir Harry. +Besides which, I was sensible that there was a great point in +adjusting my behaviour to the simple esquire, so as to give him +satisfaction and not disoblige the justice of the quorum. + +The hour of nine was come this morning, and I had no sooner set +chairs, by the steward's letter, and fixed my tea-equipage, but I +heard a knock at my door, which was opened, but no one entered; +after which followed a long silence, which was broke at last by, +"Sir, I beg your pardon; I think I know better," and another voice, +"Nay, good Sir Giles--" I looked out from my window, and saw the +good company all with their hats off and arms spread, offering the +door to each other. After many offers, they entered with much +solemnity, in the order Mr. Thrifty was so kind as to name them to +me. But they are now got to my chamber-door, and I saw my old +friend Sir Harry enter. I met him with all the respect due to so +reverend a vegetable; for you are to know that is my sense of a +person who remains idle in the same place for half a century. I got +him with great success into his chair by the fire, without throwing +down any of my cups. The knight-bachelor told me "he had a great +respect for my whole family, and would, with my leave, place himself +next to Sir Harry, at whose right hand he had sat at every +quarter-sessions these thirty years, unless he was sick." The +steward in the rear whispered the young templar, "That is true to my +knowledge." I had the misfortune, as they stood cheek by jowl, to +desire the esquire to sit down before the justice of the quorum, to +the no small satisfaction of the former, and resentment of the +latter. But I saw my error too late, and got them as soon as I +could into their seats. "Well," said I, "gentlemen, after I have +told you how glad I am of this great honour, I am to desire you to +drink a dish of tea." They answered one and all, "that they never +drank tea in a morning." "Not in a morning!" said I, staring round +me; upon which the pert jackanapes, Nic Doubt, tipped me the wink, +and put out his tongue at his grandfather. Here followed a profound +silence, when the steward in his boots and whip proposed, "that we +should adjourn to some public house, where everybody might call for +what they pleased, and enter upon the business." We all stood up in +an instant, and Sir Harry filed off from the left, very discreetly, +countermarching behind the chairs towards the door. After him Sir +Giles in the same manner. The simple esquire made a sudden start to +follow, but the justice of the quorum whipped between upon the stand +of the stairs. A maid, going up with coals, made us halt, and put +us into such confusion that we stood all in a heap, without any +visible possibility of recovering our order; for the young +jackanapes seemed to make a jest of this matter, and had so +contrived, by pressing amongst us under pretence of making way, that +his grandfather was got into the middle, and he knew nobody was of +quality to stir a step till Sir Harry moved first. We were fixed in +this perplexity for some time, till we heard a very loud noise in +the street, and Sir Harry asking what it was, I, to make them move, +said it was fire. Upon this, all ran down as fast as they could, +without order or ceremony, till we got into the street, where we +drew up in very good order, and filed off down Sheer Lane; the +impertinent templar driving us before him as in a string, and +pointing to his acquaintance who passed by. + +I must confess I love to use people according to their own sense of +good breeding, and therefore whipped in between the justice and the +simple esquire. He could not properly take this ill, but I +overheard him whisper the steward, "that he thought it hard that a +common conjuror should take place of him, though an elder esquire." +In this order we marched down Sheer Lane, at the upper end of which +I lodge. + +When we came to Temple Bar, Sir Harry and Sir Giles got over, but a +run of coaches kept the rest of us on this side the street. +However, we all at last landed, and drew up in very good order +before Ben Tooke's shop, who favoured our rallying with great +humanity; from whence we proceeded again till we came to Dick's +coffee-house, where I designed to carry them. Here we were at our +old difficulty, and took up the street upon the same ceremony. We +proceeded through the entry, and were so necessarily kept in order +by the situation, that we were now got into the coffee-house itself, +where, as soon as we arrived we repeated our civilities to each +other, after which, we marched up to the high table, which has an +ascent to it enclosed in the middle of the room. The whole house +was alarmed at this entry, made up of persons of so much state and +rusticity. Sir Harry called for a mug of ale and Dyer's Letter. +The boy brought the ale in an instant, but said they did not take in +the Letter. "No!" says Sir Harry, "then take back your mug; we are +like indeed to have good liquor at this house!" Here the templar +tipped me a second wink, and, if I had not looked very grave upon +him, I found he was disposed to be very familiar with me. In short, +I observed after a long pause, that the gentlemen did not care to +enter upon business till after their morning draught, for which +reason I called for a bottle of mum, and finding that had no effect +upon them, I ordered a second and a third, after which Sir Harry +reached over to me and told me in a low voice, "that the place was +too public for business, but he would call upon me again to-morrow +morning at my own lodgings, and bring some more friends with him." + + + +XI.--DUELLO. + + From my own Apartment, November 11. + +I had several hints and advertisements from unknown hands, that +some, who are enemies to my labours, design to demand the +fashionable way of satisfaction for the disturbance my Lucubrations +have given them. I confess, as things now stand, I do not know how +to deny such inviters, and am preparing myself accordingly. I have +bought pumps and foils, and am every morning practising in my +chamber. My neighbour, the dancing-master, has demanded of me why I +take this liberty, since I would not allow it him? but I answered, +"His was an act of an indifferent nature, and mine of necessity." +My late treatises against duels have so far disobliged the +fraternity of the noble science of defence, that I can get none of +them to show me so much as one pass. I am, therefore, obliged to +learn by book; and have accordingly several volumes, wherein all the +postures are exactly delineated. I must confess I am shy of letting +people see me at this exercise, because of my flannel waistcoat, and +my spectacles, which I am forced to fix on, the better to observe +the posture of the enemy. + +I have upon my chamber-walls drawn at full length the figures of all +sorts of men, from eight foot to three foot two inches. Within this +height, I take it, that all the fighting men of Great Britain are +comprehended. But, as I push, I make allowances for my being of a +lank and spare body, and have chalked out in every figure my own +dimensions: for I scorn to rob any man of his life, or to take +advantage of his breadth: therefore, I press purely in a line down +from his nose, and take no more of him to assault than he has of me: +for, to speak impartially, if a lean fellow wounds a fat one in any +part to the right or left, whether it be in carte or in tierce, +beyond the dimensions of the said lean fellow's own breadth, I take +it to be murder, and such a murder as is below a gentleman to +commit. As I am spare, I am also very tall, and behave myself with +relation to that advantage with the same punctilio; and I am ready +to stoop or stand, according to the stature of my adversary. I must +confess I have had great success this morning, and have hit every +figure round the room in a mortal part, without receiving the least +hurt, except a little scratch by falling on my face, in pushing at +one at the lower end of my chamber; but I recovered so quick, and +jumped so nimbly into my guard, that, if he had been alive, he could +not have hurt me. It is confessed I have writ against duels with +some warmth; but in all my discourses I have not ever said that I +knew how a gentleman could avoid a duel if he were provoked to it; +and since that custom is now become a law, I know nothing but the +legislative power, with new animadversions upon it, can put us in a +capacity of denying challenges, though we are afterwards hanged for +it. But, no more of this at present. As things stand, I shall put +up no more affronts; and I shall be so far from taking ill words, +that I will not take ill looks. I therefore, warn all hot young +fellows not to look hereafter more terrible than their neighbours: +for, if they stare at me with their hats cocked higher than other +people, I will not bear it. Nay, I give warning to all people in +general to look kindly at me, for I will bear no frowns, even from +ladies; and if any woman pretends to look scornfully at me, I shall +demand satisfaction of the next of kin of the masculine gender. + + + +XII.--HAPPY MARRIAGE. + + From my own Apartment, November 16. + +There are several persons who have many pleasures and entertainments +in their possession, which they do not enjoy. It is, therefore, a +kind and good office to acquaint them with their own happiness, and +turn their attention to such instances of their good fortune which +they are apt to overlook. Persons in the married state often want +such a monitor; and pine away their days, by looking upon the same +condition in anguish and murmur, which carries with it in the +opinion of others a complication of all the pleasures of life, and a +retreat from its inquietudes. + +I am led into this thought by a visit I made an old friend, who was +formerly my school-fellow. He came to town last week with his +family for the winter, and yesterday morning sent me word his wife +expected me to dinner. I am, as it were, at home at that house, and +every member of it knows me for their well-wisher. I cannot, +indeed, express the pleasure it is to be met by the children with so +much joy as I am when I go thither. The boys and girls strive who +shall come first when they think it is I that am knocking at the +door; and that child which loses the race to me runs back again to +tell the father it is Mr. Bickerstaff. This day I was led in by a +pretty girl, that we all thought must have forgot me, for the family +has been out of town these two years. Her knowing me again was a +mighty subject with us, and took up our discourse at the first +entrance. After which they began to rally me upon a thousand little +stories they heard in the country about my marriage to one of my +neighbour's daughters. Upon which the gentleman, my friend, said, +"Nay, if Mr. Bickerstaff marries a child of any of his old +companions, I hope mine shall have the preference: there is Mrs. +Mary is now sixteen, and would make him as fine a widow as the best +of them. But I know him too well; he is so enamoured with the very +memory of those who flourished in our youth, that he will not so +much as look upon the modern beauties. I remember, old gentleman, +how often you went home in a day to refresh your countenance and +dress, when Teraminta reigned in your heart. As we came up in the +coach, I repeated to my wife some of your verses on her." With such +reflections on little passages, which happened long ago, we passed +our time, during a cheerful and elegant meal. After dinner his lady +left the room, as did also the children. As soon as we were alone, +he took me by the hand; "Well, my good friend," says he, "I am +heartily glad to see thee: I was afraid you would never have seen +all the company that dined with you to-day again. Do not you think +the good woman of the house a little altered, since you followed her +from the play-house, to find out who she was for me?" I perceived a +tear fall down his cheek as he spoke, which moved me not a little. +But, to turn the discourse, said I, "She is not indeed quite that +creature she was, when she returned me the letter I carried from +you: and told me 'she hoped, as I was a gentleman, I would be +employed no more to trouble her, who had never offended me; but +would be so much the gentleman's friend as to dissuade him from a +pursuit which he could never succeed in.' You may remember I +thought her in earnest, and you were forced to employ your cousin +Will, who made his sister get acquainted with her for you. You +cannot expect her to be for ever fifteen." "Fifteen!" replied my +good friend; "ah! you little understand, you that have lived a +bachelor, how great, how exquisite a pleasure there is, in being +really beloved! It is impossible, that the most beauteous face in +nature should raise in me such pleasing ideas, as when I look upon +that excellent woman. That fading in her countenance is chiefly +caused by her watching with me, in my fever. This was followed by a +fit of sickness, which had like to have carried her off last winter. +I tell you sincerely, I have so many obligations to her, that I +cannot, with any sort of moderation, think of her present state of +health. But as to what you say of fifteen, she gives me every day +pleasures beyond what I ever knew in the possession of her beauty, +when I was in the vigour of youth. Every moment of her life brings +me fresh instances of her complacency to my inclinations, and her +prudence in regard to my fortune. Her face is to me much more +beautiful than when I first saw it; there is no decay in any +feature, which I cannot trace from the very instant it was +occasioned by some anxious concern for my welfare and interests. +Thus, at the same time, methinks, the love I conceived towards her +for what she was, is heightened by my gratitude for what she is. +The love of a wife is as much above the idle passion commonly called +by that name, as the loud laughter of buffoons is inferior to the +elegant mirth of gentlemen. Oh! she is an inestimable jewel. In +her examination of her household affairs she shows a certain +fearfulness to find a fault, which makes her servants obey her like +children: and the meanest we have has an ingenuous shame for an +offence, not always to be seen in children in other families. I +speak freely to you, my old friend: ever since her sickness, things +that gave me the quickest joy before turn now to a certain anxiety. +As the children play in the next room, I know the poor things by +their steps, and am considering what they must do, should they lose +their mother in their tender years. The pleasure I used to take in +telling my boy stories of the battles, and asking my girl questions +about the disposal of her baby, and the gossiping of it, is turned +into inward reflection and melancholy." + +He would have gone on in this tender way, when the good lady +entered, and, with an inexpressible sweetness in her countenance, +told us "she had been searching her closet for something very good, +to treat such an old friend as I was." Her husband's eyes sparkled +with pleasure at the cheerfulness of her countenance; and I saw all +his fears vanish in an instant. The lady observing something in our +looks which showed we had been more serious than ordinary, and +seeing her husband receive her with great concern under a forced +cheerfulness, immediately guessed at what we had been talking of; +and applying herself to me, said, with a smile, "Mr. Bickerstaff, do +not believe a word of what he tells you. I shall still live to have +you for my second, as I have often promised you, unless he takes +more care of himself than he has done since his coming to town. You +must know he tells me that he finds London is a much more healthy +place than the country, for he sees several of his old acquaintances +and school-fellows are here young fellows with fair full-bottomed +periwigs. I could scarce keep him this morning from going out +open-breasted." My friend, who is always extremely delighted with +her agreeable humour, made her sit down with us. She did it with +that easiness which is peculiar to women of sense; and to keep up +the good humour she had brought in with her, turned her raillery +upon me. "Mr. Bickerstaff, you remember you followed me one night +from the play-house; suppose you should carry me thither to-morrow +night, and lead me into the front box." This put us into a long +field of discourse about the beauties, who were mothers to the +present, and shined in the boxes twenty years ago. I told her, "I +was glad she had transferred so many of her charms, and I did not +question but her eldest daughter was within half a year of being a +Toast." + +We were pleasing ourselves with this fantastical preferment of the +young lady, when on a sudden we were alarmed with the noise of a +drum, and immediately entered my little godson to give me a point of +war. His mother, between laughing and chiding, would have put him +out of the room; but I would not part with him so. I found upon +conversation with him, though he was a little noisy in his mirth, +that the child had excellent parts, and was a great master of all +the learning on the other side eight years old. I perceived him a +very great historian in AEsop's Fables: but he frankly declared to +me his mind, that he did not delight in that learning, because he +did not believe they were true; for which reason I found he had very +much turned his studies for about a twelve-month past, into the +lives and adventures of Don Bellianis of Greece, Guy of Warwick, the +Seven Champions, and other historians of that age. I could not but +observe the satisfaction the father took in the forwardness of his +son; and that these diversions might turn to some profit, I found +the boy had made remarks which might be of service to him during the +course of his whole life. He would tell you the mis-managements of +John Hickathrift, find fault with the passionate temper in Bevis of +Southampton, and loved Saint George for being the champion of +England; and by this means had his thoughts insensibly moulded into +the notions of discretion, virtue, and honour. I was extolling his +accomplishments, when the mother told me that the little girl who +led me in this morning was in her way a better scholar than he. +"Betty," says she, "deals chiefly in fairies and sprites, and +sometimes in a winter-night will terrify the maids with her +accounts, till they are afraid to go up to bed." + +I sat with them till it was very late, sometimes in merry, sometimes +in serious, discourse, with this particular pleasure, which gives +the only true relish to all conversation, a sense that every one of +us liked each other. I went home, considering the different +conditions of a married life and that of a bachelor; and I must +confess it struck me with a secret concern, to reflect, that +whenever I go off I shall leave no traces behind me. In this +pensive mood I return to my family; that is to say, to my maid, my +dog, and my cat, who only can be the better or worse for what +happens to me. + + + +XIII.--DEAD FOLK. + + From my own Apartment, November 17. + +It has cost me very much care and thought to marshal and fix the +people under their proper denominations, and to range them according +to their respective characters. These my endeavours have been +received with unexpected success in one kind, but neglected in +another; for though I have many readers, I have but few converts. +This must certainly proceed from a false opinion, that what I write +is designed rather to amuse and entertain than convince and +instruct. I entered upon my Essays with a declaration that I should +consider mankind in quite another manner than they had hitherto been +represented to the ordinary world, and asserted that none but a +useful life should be, with me, any life at all. But, lest this +doctrine should have made this small progress towards the conviction +of mankind, because it may appear to the unlearned light and +whimsical, I must take leave to unfold the wisdom and antiquity of +my first proposition in these my essays, to wit, that "every +worthless man is a dead man." This notion is as old as Pythagoras, +in whose school it was a point of discipline, that if among the +Akoustikoi, * or probationers, there were any who grew weary of +studying to be useful, and returned to an idle life, the rest were +to regard them as dead, and upon their departing, to perform their +obsequies and raise them tombs, with inscriptions, to warn others of +the like mortality, and quicken them to resolutions of refining +their souls above that wretched state. It is upon a like +supposition that young ladies, at this very time, in Roman Catholic +countries, are received into some nunneries with their coffins, and +with the pomp of a formal funeral, to signify that henceforth they +are to be of no further use, and consequently dead. Nor was +Pythagoras himself the first author of this symbol, with whom, and +with the Hebrews, it was generally received. Much more might be +offered in illustration of this doctrine from sacred authority, +which I recommend to my reader's own reflection; who will easily +recollect, from places which I do not think fit to quote here, the +forcible manner of applying the words dead and living to men, as +they are good or bad. + +* Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text. + +I have, therefore, composed the following scheme of existence for +the benefit both of the living and the dead; though chiefly for the +latter, whom I must desire to read it with all possible attention. +In the number of the dead I comprehend all persons, of what title or +dignity soever, who bestow most of their time in eating and +drinking, to support that imaginary existence of theirs which they +call life; or in dressing and adorning those shadows and +apparitions, which are looked upon by the vulgar as real men and +women. In short, whoever resides in the world without having any +business in it, and passes away an age without ever thinking on the +errand for which he was sent hither, is to me a dead man to all +intents and purposes, and I desire that he may be so reputed. The +living are only those that are some way or other laudably employed +in the improvement of their own minds, or for the advantage of +others; and even among these, I shall only reckon into their lives +that part of their time which has been spent in the manner above +mentioned. By these means, I am afraid we shall find the longest +lives not to consist of many months, and the greatest part of the +earth to be quite unpeopled. According to this system we may +observe that some men are born at twenty years of age, some at +thirty, some at threescore, and some not above an hour before they +die; nay, we may observe multitudes that die without ever being +born, as well as many dead persons that fill up the bulk of mankind, +and make a better figure in the eyes of the ignorant, than those who +are alive, and in their proper and full state of health. However, +since there may be many good subjects, that pay their taxes, and +live peaceably in their habitations, who are not yet born, or have +departed this life several years since, my design is to encourage +both to join themselves as soon as possible to the number of the +living. For as I invite the former to break forth into being and +become good for something, so I allow the latter a state of +resuscitation, which I chiefly mention for the sake of a person who +has lately published an advertisement, with several scurrilous terms +in it, that do by no means become a dead man to give. It is my +departed friend, John Partridge, who concludes the advertisement of +his next year's almanack with the following note: + +"Whereas it has been industriously given out by Bickerstaff, +Esquire, and others, to prevent the sale of this year's almanack, +that John Partridge is dead: this may inform all his loving +countrymen, that he is still living in health, and they are knaves +that reported it otherwise. + "J. P." + + ----- + + From my own Apartment, November +25. + +I have already taken great pains to inspire notions of honour and +virtue into the people of this kingdom, and used all gentle methods +imaginable, to bring those who are dead in idleness, folly, and +pleasure, into life, by applying themselves to learning, wisdom, and +industry. But, since fair means are ineffectual, I must proceed to +extremities, and shall give my good friends, the Company of +Upholders, full power to bury all such dead as they meet with, who +are within my former descriptions of deceased persons. In the +meantime the following remonstrance of that corporation I take to be +very just. + +"WORTHY SIR, + "Upon reading your Tatler of Saturday last, by which we +received the agreeable news of so many deaths, we immediately +ordered in a considerable quantity of blacks, and our servants have +wrought night and day ever since to furnish out the necessaries for +these deceased. But so it is, Sir, that of this vast number of dead +bodies that go putrifying up and down the streets, not one of them +has come to us to be buried. Though we should be loth to be any +hindrance to our good friends the physicians, yet we cannot but take +notice what infection Her Majesty's subjects are liable to from the +horrible stench of so many corpses. Sir, we will not detain you; +our case in short is this: Here are we embarked in this undertaking +for the public good. Now, if people should be suffered to go on +unburied at this rate, there is an end of the usefullest +manufactures and handicrafts of the kingdom; for where will be your +sextons, coffin-makers, and plumbers? What will become of your +embalmers, epitaph-mongers, and chief-mourners? We are loth to +drive this matter any farther, though we tremble at the consequences +of it; for if it shall be left to every dead man's discretion not to +be buried till he sees his time, no man can say where that will end; +but thus much we will take upon us to affirm, that such a toleration +will be intolerable. + "What would make us easy in this matter is no more but that +your Worship would be pleased to issue out your orders to ditto Dead +to repair forthwith to our office, in order to their interment, +where constant attendance shall be given to treat with all persons +according to their quality, and the poor to be buried for nothing. +And, for the convenience of such persons as are willing enough to be +dead, but that they are afraid their friends and relations should +know it, we have a back door into Warwick Street, from whence they +may be interred with all secrecy imaginable, and without loss of +time or hindrance of business. But in case of obstinacy, for we +would gladly make a thorough riddance, we desire a farther power +from your Worship, to take up such deceased as shall not have +complied with your first orders wherever we meet them; and if, after +that, there shall be complaints of any person so offending, let them +lie at our doors. + "We are your Worship's till death, + "The MASTER and COMPANY of UPHOLDERS. + "P.S. We are ready to give in our printed proposals at large, +and if your Worship approves of our undertaking, we desire the +following advertisement may be inserted in your next paper: + "Whereas a commission of interment has been awarded against +Doctor John Partridge, philomath, professor of physic and astrology, +and whereas the said Partridge hath not surrendered himself, nor +shown cause to the contrary: These are to certify that the Company +of Upholders will proceed to bury him from Cordwainer's Hall, on +Tuesday the twenty-ninth instant, where any six of his surviving +friends, who still believe him to be alive, are desired to come +prepared to hold up the pall. + "Note. We shall light away at six in the evening, there being +to be a sermon. + "From our Office near the Haymarket, Nov. 23." + + + +XIV.--THE WIFE DEAD. + + Sheer Lane, December 30. + +I was walking about my chamber this morning in a very gay humour, +when I saw a coach stop at my door, and a youth about fifteen +alighting out of it, who I perceived to be the eldest son of my +bosom friend, that I gave some account of in a previous paper. I +felt a sensible pleasure rising in me at the sight of him, my +acquaintance having begun with his father when he was just such a +stripling, and about that very age. When he came up to me, he took +me by the hand, and burst into tears. I was extremely moved, and +immediately said, "Child, how does your father do?" He began to +reply, "My mother--" but could not go on for weeping. I went down +with him into the coach, and gathered out of him, "That his mother +was then dying; and that, while the holy man was doing the last +offices to her, he had taken that time to come and call me to his +father, who, he said, would certainly break his heart, if I did not +go and comfort him." The child's discretion in coming to me of his +own head, and the tenderness he showed for his parents would have +quite overpowered me, had I not resolved to fortify myself for the +seasonable performances of those duties which I owed to my friend. +As we were going, I could not but reflect upon the character of that +excellent woman, and the greatness of his grief for the loss of one +who has ever been the support to him under all other afflictions. +How, thought I, will he be able to bear the hour of her death, that +could not, when I was lately with him, speak of a sickness, which +was then past, without sorrow! We were now got pretty far into +Westminster, and arrived at my friend's house. At the door of it I +met Favonius, not without a secret satisfaction to find he had been +there. I had formerly conversed with him at his house; and as he +abounds with that sort of virtue and knowledge which makes religion +beautiful, and never leads the conversation into the violence and +rage of party disputes, I listened to him with great pleasure. Our +discourse chanced to be upon the subject of death, which he treated +with such a strength of reason, and greatness of soul, that, instead +of being terrible, it appeared to a mind rightly cultivated, +altogether to be contemned, or rather to be desired. As I met him +at the door, I saw in his face a certain glowing of grief and +humanity, heightened with an air of fortitude and resolution, which, +as I afterwards found, had such an irresistible force, as to suspend +the pains of the dying, and the lamentation of the nearest friends +who attended her. I went up directly to the room where she lay, and +was met at the entrance by my friend, who, notwithstanding his +thoughts had been composed a little before, at the sight of me +turned away his face and wept. The little family of children +renewed the expressions of their sorrow according to their several +ages and degrees of understanding. The eldest daughter was in +tears, busied in attendance upon her mother; others were kneeling +about the bedside: and what troubled me most, was, to see a little +boy, who was too young to know the reason, weeping only because his +sisters did. The only one in the room who seemed resigned and +comforted was the dying person. At my approach to the bedside, she +told me, with a low broken voice, "This is kindly done--take care of +your friend--do not go from him!" She had before taken leave of her +husband and children, in a manner proper for so solemn a parting, +and with a gracefulness peculiar to a woman of her character. My +heart was torn to pieces, to see the husband on one side suppressing +and keeping down the swellings of his grief, for fear of disturbing +her in her last moments; and the wife even at that time concealing +the pains she endured, for fear of increasing his affliction. She +kept her eyes upon him for some moments after she grew speechless, +and soon after closed them for ever. In the moment of her +departure, my friend, who had thus far commanded himself, gave a +deep groan, and fell into a swoon by her bedside. The distraction +of the children, who thought they saw both their parents expiring +together, and now lying dead before them, would have melted the +hardest heart; but they soon perceived their father recover, whom I +helped to remove into another room, with a resolution to accompany +him till the first pangs of his affliction were abated. I knew +consolation would now be impertinent; and, therefore, contented +myself to sit by him, and condole with him in silence. For I shall +here use the method of an ancient author, who in one of his +epistles, relating the virtues and death of Macrinus's wife, +expresses himself thus: "I shall suspend my advice to this best of +friends, till he is made capable of receiving it by those three +great remedies (necessitas ipsa, dies longa, et satietas doloris), +the necessity of submission, length of time, and satiety of grief." + +In the meantime, I cannot but consider, with much commiseration, the +melancholy state of one who has had such a part of himself torn from +him, and which he misses in every circumstance of life. His +condition is like that of one who has lately lost his right arm, and +is every moment offering to help himself with it. He does not +appear to himself the same person in his house, at his table, in +company, or in retirement; and loses the relish of all the pleasures +and diversions that were before entertaining to him by her +participation of them. This additional satisfaction, from the taste +of pleasures in the society of one we love, is admirably described +in Milton, who represents Eve, though in Paradise itself, no further +pleased with the beautiful objects around her, than as she sees them +in company with Adam, in that passage so inexpressibly charming: + + "With thee conversing, I forget all time; + All seasons, and their change; all please alike. + Sweet is the breath of morn, her rising sweet + With charm of earliest birds; pleasant the sun, + When first on this delightful land he spreads + His orient beams, on herb, tree, fruit, and flower, + Glistering with dew; fragrant the fertile earth + After short showers; and sweet the coming on + Of grateful evening mild; the silent night, + With this her solemn bird, and this fair moon, + And these the gems of Heaven, her starry train. + But neither breath of morn when she ascends + With charm of earliest birds; nor rising sun + On this delightful land; nor herb, fruit, flower, + Glistering with dew; nor fragrance after showers; + Nor grateful evening mild; nor silent night, + With this her solemn bird, nor walk by moon, + Or glittering star-light, without thee is sweet." + +The variety of images in this passage is infinitely pleasing; and +the recapitulation of each particular image, with a little varying +of the expression, makes one of the finest turns of words that I +have ever seen: which I rather mention because Mr. Dryden has said, +in his preface to Juvenal, that he could meet with no turn of words +in Milton. + +It may further be observed, that though the sweetness of these +verses has something in it of a pastoral, yet it excels the ordinary +kind, as much as the scene of it is above an ordinary field or +meadow. I might here, as I am accidentally led into this subject, +show several passages in Milton that have as excellent turns of this +nature as any of our English poets whatsoever; but shall only +mention that which follows, in which he describes the fallen angels +engaged in the intricate disputes of predestination, free-will, and +fore-knowledge; and, to humour the perplexity, makes a kind of +labyrinth in the very words that describe it. + + "Others apart sat on a hill retired, + In thoughts more elevate, and reasoned high + Of providence, fore-knowledge, will, and fate, + Fixed fate, free-will, fore-knowledge absolute, + And found no end, in wandering mazes lost." + + + +XV.--THE CLUB AT "THE TRUMPET." + + Sheer Lane, February 1O, 171O. + +After having applied my mind with more than ordinary attention to my +studies, it is my usual custom to relax and unbend it in the +conversation of such as are rather easy than shining companions. +This I find particularly necessary for me before I retire, to rest, +in order to draw my slumbers upon me by degrees, and fall asleep +insensibly. This is the particular use I make of a set of heavy +honest men, with whom I have passed many hours with much indolence, +though not with great pleasure. Their conversation is a kind of +preparative for sleep; it takes the mind down from its abstractions, +leads it into the familiar traces of thought, and lulls it into that +state of tranquillity, which is the condition of a thinking man, +when he is but half-awake. After this, my reader will not be +surprised to hear the account which I am about to give of a club of +my own contemporaries, among whom I pass two or three hours every +evening. This I look upon as taking my first nap before I go to +bed. The truth of it is, I should think myself unjust to posterity, +as well as to the society at "The Trumpet," of which I am a member, +did not I in some part of my writings give an account of the persons +among whom I have passed almost a sixth part of my time for these +last forty years. Our club consisted originally of fifteen; but, +partly by the severity of the law in arbitrary times, and partly by +the natural effects of old age, we are at present reduced to a third +part of that number: in which, however, we have this consolation +that the best company is said to consist of five persons. I must +confess, besides the aforementioned benefit which I meet with in the +conversation of this select society, I am not the less pleased with +the company, in that I find myself the greatest wit among them, and +am heard as their oracle in all points of learning and difficulty. + +Sir Jeoffery Notch, who is the oldest of the club, has been in +possession of the right-hand chair time out of mind, and is the only +man among us that has the liberty of stirring the fire. This our +foreman is a gentleman of an ancient family, that came to a great +estate some years before he had discretion, and run it out in +hounds, horses, and cock-fighting; for which reason he looks upon +himself as an honest, worthy gentleman, who has had misfortunes in +the world, and calls every thriving man a pitiful upstart. + +Major Matchlock is the next senior, who served in the last civil +wars, and has all the battles by heart. He does not think any +action in Europe worth talking of, since the fight of Marston Moor; +and every night tells us of his having been knocked off his horse at +the rising of the London apprentices; for which he is in great +esteem among us. + +Honest old Dick Reptile is the third of our society. He is a +good-natured indolent man, who speaks little himself, but laughs at +our jokes; and brings his young nephew along with him, a youth of +eighteen years old, to show him good company, and give him a taste +of the world. This young fellow sits generally silent; but whenever +he opens his mouth, or laughs at anything that passes, he is +constantly told by his uncle, after a jocular manner, "Ay, ay, Jack, +you young men think us fools; but we old men know you are." + +The greatest wit of our company, next to myself, is a Bencher, of +the neighbouring Inn, who in his youth frequented the ordinaries +about Charing Cross, and pretends to have been intimate with Jack +Ogle. He has about ten distichs of Hudibras without book, and never +leaves the club till he has applied them all. If any modern wit be +mentioned, or any town-frolic spoken of, he shakes his head at the +dulness of the present age, and tells us a story of Jack Ogle. + +For my own part, I am esteemed among them, because they see I am +something respected by others; though at the same time I understand +by their behaviour, that I am considered by them as a man of a great +deal of learning, but no knowledge of the world; insomuch, that the +Major sometimes, in the height of his military pride, calls me the +philosopher; and Sir Jeoffery, no longer ago than last night, upon a +dispute what day of the month it was then in Holland, pulled his +pipe out of his mouth, and cried, "What does the Scholar say to it?" + +Our club meets precisely at six o'clock in the evening; but I did +not come last night till half an hour after seven, by which means I +escaped the battle of Naseby, which the Major usually begins at +about three-quarters after six. I found also, that my good friend +the Bencher had already spent three of his distichs; and only +waiting an opportunity to hear a sermon spoken of that he might +introduce the couplet where "a stick" rhymes to "ecclesiastic." At +my entrance into the room, they were naming a red petticoat and a +cloak, by which I found that the Bencher had been diverting them +with a story of Jack Ogle. + +I had no sooner taken my seat, but Sir Jeoffery, to show his good +will towards me, gave me a pipe of his own tobacco, and stirred up +the fire. I look upon it as a point of morality, to be obliged by +those who endeavour to oblige me; and therefore, in requital for his +kindness, and to set the conversation a-going, I took the best +occasion I could to put him upon telling us the story of old +Gantlett, which he always does with very particular concern. He +traced up his descent on both sides for several generations, +describing his diet and manner of life, with his several battles, +and particularly that in which he fell. This Gantlett was a +game-cock, upon whose head the knight, in his youth, had won five +hundred pounds, and lost two thousand. This naturally set the Major +upon the account of Edge-hill fight, and ended in a duel of Jack +Ogle's. + +Old Reptile was extremely attentive to all that was said, though it +was the same he had heard every night for these twenty years, and +upon all occasions winked upon his nephew to mind what passed. + +This may suffice to give the world a taste of our innocent +conversation, which we spun out till about ten of the clock, when my +maid came with a lantern to light me home. I could not but reflect +with myself, as I was going out, upon the talkative humour of old +men, and the little figure which that part of life makes in one who +cannot employ this natural propensity in discourses which would make +him venerable. I must own, it makes me very melancholy in company, +when I hear a young man begin a story; and have often observed, that +one of a quarter of an hour long in a man of five-and-twenty, +gathers circumstances every time he tells it, till it grows into a +long Canterbury tale of two hours by that time he is three-score. + +The only way of avoiding such a trifling and frivolous old age is to +lay up in our way to it such stores of knowledge and observation as +may make us useful and agreeable in our declining years. The mind +of man in a long life will become a magazine of wisdom or folly, and +will consequently discharge itself in something impertinent or +improving. For which reason, as there is nothing more ridiculous +than an old trifling story-teller, so there is nothing more +venerable than one who has turned his experience to the +entertainment and advantage of mankind. + +In short, we, who are in the last stage of life, and are apt to +indulge ourselves in talk, ought to consider if what we speak be +worth being heard, and endeavour to make our discourse like that of +Nestor, which Homer compares to the flowing of honey for its +sweetness. + +I am afraid I shall be thought guilty of this excess I am speaking +of, when I cannot conclude without observing that Milton certainly +thought of this passage in Homer, when, in his description of an +eloquent spirit, he says-- + + "His tongue dropped manna." + + + +XVI.--A VERY PRETTY POET. + + Will's Coffee-house, April 24. + +I yesterday came hither about two hours before the company generally +make their appearance, with a design to read over all the +newspapers; but, upon my sitting down, I was accosted by Ned Softly, +who saw me from a corner in the other end of the room, where I found +he had been writing something. "Mr. Bickerstaff," says he, "I +observe by a late paper of yours, that you and I are just of a +humour; for you must know, of all impertinences, there is nothing +which I so much hate as news. I never read a gazette in my life; +and never trouble my head about our armies, whether they win or +lose, or in what part of the world they lie encamped." Without +giving me time to reply, he drew a paper of verses out of his +pocket, telling me, "that he had something which would entertain me +more agreeably, and that he would desire my judgment upon every +line, for that we had time enough before us till the company came +in." + +Ned Softly is a very pretty poet, and a great admirer of easy lines. +Waller is his favourite: and as that admirable writer has the best +and worst verses of any among our great English poets, Ned Softly +has got all the bad ones without book, which he repeats upon +occasion, to show his reading, and garnish his conversation. Ned is +indeed a true English reader, incapable of relishing the great and +masterly strokes of this art; but wonderfully pleased with the +little Gothic ornaments of epigrammatical conceits, turns, points, +and quibbles, which are so frequent in the most admired of our +English poets, and practised by those who want genius and strength +to represent, after the manner of the ancients, simplicity in its +natural beauty and perfection. + +Finding myself unavoidably engaged in such a conversation, I was +resolved to turn my pain into a pleasure and to divert myself as +well as I could with so very odd a fellow. "You must understand," +says Ned, "that the sonnet I am going to read to you was written +upon a lady, who showed me some verses of her own making, and is, +perhaps, the best poet of our age. But you shall hear it." + +Upon which he began to read as follows: + +"TO MIRA, ON HER INCOMPARABLE POEMS. + +1. + "When dressed in laurel wreaths you shine, + And tune your soft melodious notes, + You seem a sister of the Nine, + Or Phoebus' self in petticoats. + +2. + "I fancy, when your song you sing, + Your song you sing with so much art, + Your pen was plucked from Cupid's wing; + For, ah! it wounds me like his dart." + +"Why," says I, "this is a little nosegay of conceits, a very lump of +salt: every verse has something in it that piques; and then the +dart in the last line is certainly as pretty a sting in the tail of +an epigram, for so I think you critics call it, as ever entered into +the thought of a poet." "Dear Mr. Bickerstaff," says he, shaking me +by the hand, "everybody knows you to be a judge of these things; +and, to tell you truly, I read over Roscommon's translation of +Horace's 'Art of Poetry' three several times before I sat down to +write the sonnet which I have shown you. But you shall hear it +again, and pray observe every line of it; for not one of them shall +pass without your approbation. + + "'When dressed in laurel wreaths you shine,' + +"That is," says he, "when you have your garland on; when you are +writing verses." To which I replied, "I know your meaning: a +metaphor!" "The same," said he, and went on. + + "'And tune your soft melodious notes,' + +"Pray observe the gliding of that verse; there is scarce a consonant +in it: I took care to make it run upon liquids. Give me your +opinion of it." "Truly," said I, "I think it as good as the +former." "I am very glad to hear you say so," says he; "but mind +the next. + + "'You seem a sister of the Nine, + +"That is," says he, "you seem a sister of the Muses; for, if you +look into ancient authors, you will find it was their opinion that +there were nine of them." "I remember it very well," said I; "but +pray proceed." + + "'Or Phoebus' self in petticoats.' + +"Phoebus," says he, "was the god of Poetry. These little instances, +Mr. Bickerstaff, show a gentleman's reading. Then to take off from +the air of learning, which Phoebus and the Muses had given to this +first stanza, you may observe, how it falls all of a sudden into the +familiar; 'in petticoats!' + + "'Or Phoebus' self in petticoats.'" + +"Let us now," says I, "enter upon the second stanza; I find the +first line is still a continuation of the metaphor. + + "'I fancy when your song you sing.'" + +"It is very right," says he; "but pray observe the turn of words in +those two lines. I was a whole hour in adjusting of them, and have +still a doubt upon me whether in the second line it should be, 'Your +song you sing; or, You sing your song?' You shall hear them both: + + "'I fancy, when your song you sing, + Your song you sing with so much art,' + +or, + + "'I fancy, when your song you sing, + You sing your song with so much art.'" + +"Truly," said I, "the turn is so natural either way, that you have +made me almost giddy with it." "Dear sir," said he, grasping me by +the hand, "you have a great deal of patience; but pray what do you +think of the next verse? + + "'Your pen was plucked from Cupid's wing.'" + +"Think!" says I; "I think you have made Cupid look like a little +goose." "That was my meaning," says he: "I think the ridicule is +well enough hit off. But we come now to the last, which sums up the +whole matter. + + "'For, ah! it wounds me like his dart.' + +"Pray how do you like that Ah! doth it not make a pretty figure in +that place? Ah!--it looks as if I felt the dart, and cried out at +being pricked with it. + + "'For, ah! it wounds me like his dart.' + +"My friend Dick Easy," continued he, "assured me, he would rather +have written that Ah! than to have been the author of the AEneid. +He indeed objected, that I made Mira's pen like a quill in one of +the lines, and like a dart in the other. But as to that--" "Oh! as +to that," says I, "it is but supposing Cupid to be like a porcupine, +and his quills and darts will be the same thing." He was going to +embrace me for the hint; but half a dozen critics coming into the +room, whose faces he did not like, he conveyed the sonnet into his +pocket, and whispered me in the ear, "he would show it me again as +soon as his man had written it over fair." + + + +XVII.--FATHERLY CARE. + + From my own Apartment, June 23. + +Having lately turned my thoughts upon the consideration of the +behaviour of parents to children in the great affair of marriage, I +took much delight in turning over a bundle of letters which a +gentleman's steward in the country had sent me some time ago. This +parcel is a collection of letters written by the children of the +family to which he belongs to their father, and contain all the +little passages of their lives, and the new ideas they received as +the years advanced. There is in them an account of their diversions +as well as their exercises; and what I thought very remarkable is, +that two sons of the family, who now make considerable figures in +the world, gave omens of that sort of character which they now bear +in the first rudiments of thought which they show in their letters. +Were one to point out a method of education, one could not, +methinks, frame one more pleasing or improving than this; where the +children get a habit of communicating their thoughts and +inclinations to their best friend with so much freedom, that he can +form schemes for their future life and conduct from an observation +of their tempers; and by that means be early enough in choosing +their way of life, to make them forward in some art or science at an +age when others have not determined what profession to follow. As +to the persons concerned in this packet I am speaking of, they have +given great proofs of the force of this conduct of their father in +the effect it has upon their lives and manners. The older, who is a +scholar, showed from his infancy a propensity to polite studies, and +has made a suitable progress in literature; but his learning is so +well woven into his mind, that from the impressions of it, he seems +rather to have contracted a habit of life than manner of discourse. +To his books he seems to owe a good economy in his affairs, and a +complacency in his manners, though in others that way of education +has commonly a quite different effect. The epistles of the other +son are full of accounts of what he thought most remarkable in his +reading. He sends his father for news the last noble story he had +read. I observe he is particularly touched with the conduct of +Codrus, who plotted his own death, because the oracle had said, if +he were not killed, the enemy should prevail over his country. Many +other incidents in his little letters give omens of a soul capable +of generous undertakings; and what makes it the more particular is, +that this gentleman had, in the present war, the honour and +happiness of doing an action for which only it was worth coming into +the world. Their father is the most intimate friend they have; and +they always consult him rather than any other, when any error has +happened in their conduct through youth and inadvertency. The +behaviour of this gentleman to his sons has made his life pass away +with the pleasures of a second youth; for as the vexations which men +receive from their children hasten the approach of age, and double +the force of years; so the comforts which they reap from them, are +balm to all other sorrows, and disappoint the injuries of time. +Parents of children repeat their lives in their offspring; and their +concern for them is so near, that they feel all their sufferings and +enjoyments as much as if they regarded their own proper persons. +But it is generally so far otherwise, that the common race of +'squires in this kingdom use their sons as persons that are waiting +only for their funerals, and spies upon their health and happiness; +as indeed they are, by their own making them such. In cases where a +man takes the liberty after this manner to reprehend others, it is +commonly said, Let him look at home. I am sorry to own it; but +there is one branch of the house of the Bickerstaffs who have been +as erroneous in their conduct this way as any other family +whatsoever. The head of this branch is now in town, and has brought +up with him his son and daughter, who are all the children he has, +in order to be put some way into the world, and see fashions. They +are both very ill-bred cubs; and having lived together from their +infancy, without knowledge of the distinctions and decencies that +are proper to be paid to each other's sex, they squabble like two +brothers. The father is one of those who knows no better than that +all pleasure is debauchery, and imagines, when he sees a man become +his estate, that he will certainly spend it. This branch are a +people who never had among them one man eminent either for good or +ill: however, have all along kept their heads just above water, not +by a prudent and regular economy, but by expedients in the matches +they have made in to their house. When one of the family has in the +pursuit of foxes, and in the entertainment of clowns, run out the +third part of the value of his estate, such a spendthrift has +dressed up his eldest son, and married what they call a good +fortune: who has supported the father as a tyrant over them during +his life, in the same house or neighbourhood. The son, in +succession, has just taken the same method to keep up his dignity, +till the mortgages he has ate and drank himself into have reduced +him to the necessity of sacrificing his son also, in imitation of +his progenitor. This had been for many generations, the whole that +had happened in the family of Sam Bickerstaff, till the time of my +present cousin Samuel, the father of the young people we have just +now spoken of. + +Samuel Bickerstaff, esquire, is so happy as that by several legacies +from distant relations, deaths of maiden sisters, and other +instances of good fortune, he has besides his real estate, a great +sum of ready money. His son at the same time knows he has a good +fortune, which the father cannot alienate; though he strives to make +him believe he depends only on his will for maintenance. Tom is now +in his nineteenth year. Mrs. Mary in her fifteenth. Cousin Samuel, +who understands no one point of good behaviour as it regards all the +rest of the world, is an exact critic in the dress, the motion, the +looks, and gestures, of his children. What adds to their misery is, +that he is excessively fond of them, and the greatest part of their +time is spent in the presence of this nice observer. Their life is +one of continued constraint. The girl never turns her head, but she +is warned not to follow the proud minxes of the town. The boy is +not to turn fop, or be quarrelsome, at the same time not to take an +affront. I had the good fortune to dine with him to-day, and heard +his fatherly table-talk as we sat at dinner, which, if my memory +does not fail me, for the benefit of the world, I shall set down as +he spoke it; which was much as follows, and may be of great use to +those parents who seem to make it a rule, that their children's turn +to enjoy the world is not to commence till they themselves have left +it. + +"Now, Tom, I have bought you chambers in the inns of court. I allow +you to take a walk once or twice a day round the garden. If you +mind your business, you need not study to be as great a lawyer as +Coke upon Littleton. I have that that will keep you; but be sure +you keep an exact account of your linen. Write down what you give +out to your laundress, and what she brings home again. Go as little +as possible to the other end of the town; but if you do, come home +early. I believe I was as sharp as you for your years, and I had my +hat snatched off my head coming home late at a stop by St. Clement's +church, and I do not know from that day to this who took it. I do +not care if you learn to fence a little; for I would not have you +made a fool of. Let me have an account of everything, every post; I +am willing to be at that charge, and I think you need not spare your +pains. As for you, daughter Molly, do not mind one word that is +said to you in London, for it is only for your money." + + + +XVIII.--BICKERSTAFF CENSOR:--CASES IN COURT. + + From my own Apartment, December 5. + +There is nothing gives a man greater satisfaction than the sense of +having despatched a great deal of business, especially when it turns +to the public emolument. I have much pleasure of this kind upon my +spirits at present, occasioned by the fatigue of affairs which I +went through last Saturday. It is some time since I set apart that +day for examining the pretensions of several who had applied to me +for canes, perspective glasses, snuff-boxes, orange-flower-waters, +and the like ornaments of life. In order to adjust this matter, I +had before directed Charles Lillie of Beaufort Buildings to prepare +a great bundle of blank licenses in the following words: + +"You are hereby required to permit the bearer of this cane to pass +and repass through the streets and suburbs of London, or any place +within ten miles of it, without let or molestation, provided that he +does not walk with it under his arm, brandish it in the air, or hang +it on a button: in which case it shall be forfeited; and I hereby +declare it forfeited, to any one who shall think it safe to take it +from him. + "ISAAC BICKERSTAFF." + +The same form, differing only in the provisos, will serve for a +perspective, snuff-box, or perfumed handkerchief. I had placed +myself in my elbow-chair at the upper end of my great parlour, +having ordered Charles Lillie to take his place upon a joint stool, +with a writing-desk before him. John Morphew also took his station +at the door; I having, for his good and faithful services, appointed +him my chamber-keeper upon court days. He let me know that there +were a great number attending without. Upon which I ordered him to +give notice, that I did not intend to sit upon snuff-boxes that day; +but that those who appeared for canes might enter. The first +presented me with the following petition, which I ordered Mr. Lillie +to read. + +"TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN. + +"The humble petition of SIMON TRIPPIT, + +"Showeth, + +"That your petitioner having been bred up to a cane from his youth, +it is now become as necessary to him as any other of his limbs. + +"That, a great part of his behaviour depending upon it, he should be +reduced to the utmost necessities if he should lose the use of it. + +"That the knocking of it upon his shoe, leaning one leg upon it, or +whistling with it on his mouth, are such great reliefs to him in +conversation, that he does not know how to be good company without +it. + +"That he is at present engaged in an amour, and must despair of +success if it be taken from him. + +"Your petitioner, therefore, hopes, that the premises tenderly +considered, your Worship will not deprive him of so useful and so +necessary a support. + + "And your petitioner shall ever, etc." + +Upon the hearing of his case, I was touched with some compassion, +and the more so, when, upon observing him nearer, I found he was a +prig. I bade him produce his cane in court, which he had left at +the door. He did so, and I finding it to be very curiously clouded +with a transparent amber head, and a blue riband to hang upon his +wrist, I immediately ordered my clerk Lillie to lay it up, and +deliver out to him a plain joint headed with walnut; and then, in +order to wean him from it by degrees, permitted him to wear it three +days in a week, and to abate proportionably till he found himself +able to go alone. + +The second who appeared came limping into the court; and setting +forth in his petition many pretences for the use of a cane, I caused +them to be examined one by one, but finding him in different +stories, and confronting him with several witnesses who had seen him +walk upright, I ordered Mr. Lillie to take in his cane, and rejected +his petition as frivolous. + +A third made his entry with great difficulty, leaning upon a slight +stick, and in danger of falling every step he took. I saw the +weakness of his hams; and I bade him leave his cane, and gave him a +new pair of crutches, with which he went off in great vigour and +alacrity. This gentleman was succeeded by another, who seemed very +much pleased while his petition was reading, in which he had +represented, That he was extremely afflicted with the gout, and set +his foot upon the ground with the caution and dignity which +accompany that distemper. I suspected him for an impostor, and, +having ordered him to be searched, I committed him into the hands of +Doctor Thomas Smith in King Street, my own corn-cutter, who attended +in an outward room: and wrought so speedy a cure upon him, that I +thought fit to send him also away without his cane. + +While I was thus dispensing justice, I heard a noise in my outward +room; and inquiring what was the occasion of it, my door-keeper told +me, that they had taken one up in the very fact as he was passing by +my door. They immediately brought in a lively fresh-coloured young +man, who made great resistance with hand and foot, but did not offer +to make use of his cane, which hung upon his fifth button. Upon +examination, I found him to be an Oxford scholar who was just +entered at the Temple. He at first disputed the jurisdiction of the +court; but, being driven out of his little law and logic, he told me +very pertly, "that he looked upon such a perpendicular creature as +man to make a very imperfect figure without a cane in his hand. It +is well known," says he, "we ought, according to the natural +situation of our bodies, to walk upon our hands and feet: and that +the wisdom of the ancients had described man to be an animal of four +legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night; by which they +intimated that a cane might very properly become part of us in some +period of life." Upon which I asked him, whether he wore it at his +breast to have it in readiness when that period should arrive. My +young lawyer immediately told me, he had a property in it, and a +right to hang it where he pleased, and to make use of it as he +thought fit, provided that he did not break the peace with it; and +farther said, that he never took it off his button, unless it were +to lift it up at a coachman, hold it over the head of a drawer, +point out the circumstances of a story, or for other services of the +like nature, that are all within the laws of the land. I did not +care for discouraging a young man, who, I saw, would come to good; +and, because his heart was set upon his new purchase, I only ordered +him to wear it about his neck, instead of hanging it upon his +button, and so dismissed him. + +There were several appeared in court, whose pretensions I found to +be very good, and, therefore, gave them their licenses upon paying +their fees; as many others had their licenses renewed, who required +more time for recovery of their lameness than I had before allowed +them. + +Having despatched this set of my petitioners, there came in a +well-dressed man with a glass tube in one hand, and his petition in +the other. Upon his entering the room, he threw back the right side +of his wig, put forward his right leg, and advancing the glass to +his right eye, aimed it directly at me. In the meanwhile, to make +my observations also, I put on my spectacles, in which posture we +surveyed each other for some time. Upon the removal of our glasses +I desired him to read his petition, which he did very promptly and +easily; though at the same time it set forth that he could see +nothing distinctly, and was within very few degrees of being utterly +blind, concluding with a prayer that he might be permitted to +strengthen and extend his sight by a glass. In answer to this I +told him he might sometimes extend it to his own destruction. "As +you are now," said I, "you are out of the reach of beauty, the +shafts of the finest eyes lose their force before they can come at +you; you cannot distinguish a Toast from an orange-wench; you can +see a whole circle of beauty without any interruption from an +impertinent face to discompose you. In short, what are snares for +others--" My petitioner would hear no more, but told me very +seriously, "Mr. Bickerstaff, you quite mistake your man; it is the +joy, the pleasure, the employment, of my life to frequent public +assemblies, and gaze upon the fair." In a word, I found his use of +a glass was occasioned by no other infirmity than his vanity, and +was not so much designed to make him see, as to make him be seen and +distinguished by others. I therefore refused him a license for a +perspective, but allowed him a pair of spectacles, with full +permission to use them in any public assembly as he should think +fit. He was followed by so very few of this order of men that I +have reason to hope this sort of cheats are almost at an end. + +The orange-flower-men appeared next with petitions perfumed so +strongly with musk, that I was almost overcome with the scent; and +for my own sake was obliged forthwith to license their +handkerchiefs, especially when I found they had sweetened them at +Charles Lillie's, and that some of their persons would not be +altogether inoffensive without them. John Morphew, whom I have made +the general of my dead men, acquainted me that the petitioners were +all of that order, and could produce certificates to prove it if I +required it. I was so well pleased with this way of embalming +themselves that I commanded the above-said Morphew to give it in his +orders to his whole army, that every one, who did not surrender +himself to be disposed of by the upholders, should use the same +method to keep himself sweet during his present state of +putrefaction. + +I finished my session with great content of mind, reflecting upon +the good I had done; for, however slightly men may regard these +particularities, "and little follies in dress and behaviour, they +lead to greater evils. The bearing to be laughed at for such +singularities, teaches us insensibly an impertinent fortitude, and +enables us to bear public censure for things which more +substantially deserve it." By this means they open a gate to folly, +and oftentimes render a man so ridiculous, as discredit his virtues +and capacities, and unqualify them from doing any good in the world. +Besides, the giving into uncommon habits of this nature is a want of +that humble deference which is due to mankind, and, what is worst of +all, the certain indication of some secret flaw in the mind of the +person that commits them. When I was a young man, I remember a +gentleman of great integrity and worth, was very remarkable for +wearing a broad belt, and a hanger instead of a fashionable sword, +though in all other points a very well-bred man. I suspected him at +first sight to have something wrong in him, but was not able for a +long time to discover any collateral proofs of it. I watched him +narrowly for six-and-thirty years, when at last, to the surprise of +everybody but myself, who had long expected to see the folly break +out, he married his own cook-maid. + + ----- + + Sheer Lane, December 21. + +As soon as I had placed myself in my chair of judicature, I ordered +my clerk, Mr. Lillie, to read to the assembly, who were gathered +together according to notice, a certain declaration, by way of +charge, to open the purpose of my session, which tended only to this +explanation, that as other courts were often called to demand the +execution of persons dead in law; so this was held to give the last +orders relating to those who are dead in reason. The solicitor of +the new Company of Upholders, near the Haymarket, appeared in behalf +of that useful society, and brought in an accusation of a young +woman, who herself stood at the bar before me. Mr. Lillie read her +indictment, which was in substance, "That, whereas Mrs. Rebecca +Pindust, of the parish of Saint Martin-in-the-Fields, had, by the +use of one instrument called a looking-glass, and by the further use +of certain attire, made either of cambric, muslin, or other linen +wares, upon her head, attained to such an evil art and magical force +in the motion of her eyes and turn of her countenance, that she the +said Rebecca had put to death several young men of the said parish; +and that the said young men had acknowledged in certain papers, +commonly called love-letters, which were produced in court, gilded +on the edges, and sealed WITH A PARTICULAR WAX, with certain amorous +and enchanting words wrought upon the said seals, that they died for +the said Rebecca: and, whereas the said Rebecca persisted in the +said evil practice; this way of life the said society construed to +be, according to former edicts, a state of death, and demanded an +order for the interment of the said Rebecca." + +I looked upon the maid with great humanity, and desired her to make +answer to what was said against her. She said, "It was indeed true, +that she had practised all the arts and means she could, to dispose +of herself happily in marriage, but thought she did not come under +the censure expressed in my writings for the same; and humbly hoped +I would not condemn her for the ignorance of her accusers, who, +according to their own words, had rather represented her killing +than dead." She further alleged, "That the expressions mentioned in +the papers written to her were become mere words, and that she had +been always ready to marry any of those who said they died for her; +but that they made their escape, as soon as they found themselves +pitied or believed." She ended her discourse by desiring I would +for the future settle the meaning of the words "I die," in letters +of love. + +Mrs. Pindust behaved herself with such an air of innocence, that she +easily gained credit, and was acquitted. Upon which occasion I gave +it as a standing rule, "That any person, who in any letter, billet, +or discourse, should tell a woman he died for her, should, if she +pleased, be obliged to live with her, or be immediately interred +upon such their own confessions without bail or mainprize." + +It happened that the very next who was brought before me was one of +her admirers, who was indicted upon that very head. A letter, which +he acknowledged to be his own hand, was read, in which were the +following words, "Cruel creature, I die for you." It was observable +that he took snuff all the time his accusation was reading. I asked +him, "how he came to use these words, if he were not a dead man?" +He told me, "he was in love with the lady, and did not know any +other way of telling her so; and that all his acquaintance took the +same method." Though I was moved with compassion towards him, by +reason of the weakness of his parts, yet for example sake I was +forced to answer, "Your sentence shall be a warning to all the rest +of your companions, not to tell lies for want of wit." Upon this, +he began to beat his snuff-box with a very saucy air; and opening it +again, "Faith, Isaac," said he, "thou art a very unaccountable old +fellow--Pr'ythee, who gave thee the power of life and death? What +hast thou to do with ladies and lovers? I suppose thou wouldst have +a man be in company with his mistress, and say nothing to her. Dost +thou call breaking a jest telling a lie? Ha! is that thy wisdom, +old stiffback, ha?" He was going on with this insipid commonplace +mirth, sometimes opening his box, sometimes shutting it, then +viewing the picture on the lid, and then the workmanship of the +hinge, when, in the midst of his eloquence, I ordered his box to be +taken from him; upon which he was immediately struck speechless, and +carried off stone dead. + +The next who appeared was a hale old fellow of sixty. He was +brought in by his relations, who desired leave to bury him. Upon +requiring a distinct account of the prisoner, a credible witness +deposed, "that he always rose at ten of the clock, played with his +cat till twelve, smoked tobacco till one, was at dinner till two, +then took another pipe, played at backgammon till six, talked of one +Madame Frances, an old mistress of his, till eight, repeated the +same account at the tavern till ten, then returned home, took the +other pipe, and then to bed." I asked him, "what he had to say for +himself?"--"As to what," said he, "they mention concerning Madame +Frances--" + +I did not care for hearing a Canterbury tale, and, therefore, +thought myself seasonably interrupted by a young gentleman, who +appeared in the behalf of the old man, and prayed an arrest of +judgment; "for that he, the said young man, held certain lands by +his the said old man's life." Upon this, the solicitor of the +Upholders took an occasion to demand him also, and thereupon +produced several evidences that witnessed to his life and +conversation. It appeared that each of them divided their hours in +matters of equal moment and importance to themselves and to the +public. They rose at the same hour: while the old man was playing +with his cat, the young one was looking out of his window; while the +old man was smoking his pipe, the young man was rubbing his teeth; +while one was at dinner, the other was dressing; while one was at +backgammon, the other was at dinner; while the old fellow was +talking of Madame Frances, the young one was either at play, or +toasting women whom he never conversed with. The only difference +was, that the young man had never been good for anything; the old +man a man of worth before he know Madame Frances. Upon the whole, I +ordered them to be both interred together, with inscriptions proper +to their characters, signifying, that the old man died in the year +1689, and was buried in the year 17O9; and over the young one it was +said, that he departed this world in the twenty-fifth year of his +death. + +The next class of criminals were authors in prose and verse. Those +of them who had produced any stillborn work were immediately +dismissed to their burial, and were followed by others, who +notwithstanding some sprightly issue in their lifetime, had given +proofs of their death, by some posthumous children, that bore no +resemblance to their elder brethren. As for those who were the +fathers of a mixed progeny, provided always they could prove the +last to be a live child, they escaped with life, but not without +loss of limbs; for, in this case, I was satisfied with amputation of +the parts which were mortified. + +These were followed by a great crowd of superannuated benchers of +the Inns of Court, senior fellows of colleges, and defunct +statesmen: all whom I ordered to be decimated indifferently, +allowing the rest a reprieve for one year, with a promise of a free +pardon in case of resuscitation. + +There were still great multitudes to be examined; but, finding it +very late, I adjourned the court, not without the secret pleasure +that I had done my duty, and furnished out a handsome execution. + + ----- + + Haymarket, December 23. + +Whereas the gentleman that behaved himself in a very disobedient and +obstinate manner at his late trial in Sheer Lane on the twentieth +instant, and was carried off dead upon taking away of his snuff-box, +remains still unburied; the company of Upholders, not knowing +otherwise how they should be paid, have taken his goods in execution +to defray the charge of his funeral. His said effects are to be +exposed to sale by auction, at their office in the Haymarket, on the +fourth of January next, and are as follow:-- + +A very rich tweezer-case, containing twelve instruments for the use +of each hour in the day. + +Four pounds of scented snuff, with three gilt snuff-boxes; one of +them with an invisible hinge, and a looking-glass in the lid. + +Two more of ivory, with the portraitures on their lids of two ladies +of the town; the originals to be seen every night in the side-boxes +of the playhouse. + +A sword with a steel diamond hilt, never drawn but once at May-fair. + +Six clean packs of cards, a quart of orange-flower-water, a pair of +French scissors, a toothpick-case, and an eyebrow brush. + +A large glass-case, containing the linen and clothes of the +deceased; among which are, two embroidered suits, a pocket +perspective, a dozen pair of RED-HEELED SHOES, three pair of RED +SILK STOCKINGS, and an amber-headed cane. + +The strong box of the deceased, wherein were found five billet-doux, +a Bath shilling, a crooked sixpence, a silk garter, a lock of hair, +and three broken fans. + +A press for books; containing on the upper shelf-- + +Three bottles of diet-drink. +Two boxes of pills. +A syringe, and other mathematical instruments. + +On the second shelf are several miscellaneous works, as + +Lampoons. +Plays. +Tailors' bills. +And an almanack for the year seventeen hundred. + +On the third shelf-- + +A bundle of letters unopened, indorsed, in the hand of the deceased, +"Letters from the old Gentleman." +Lessons for the flute. +Toland's "Christianity not mysterious;" and a paper filled with +patterns of several fashionable stuffs. + +On the lowest shelf-- + +One shoe. +A pair of snuffers. +A French grammar. +A mourning hat-band; and half a bottle of usquebaugh. + +There will be added to these goods, to make a complete auction, a +collection of gold snuff-boxes and clouded canes, which are to +continue in fashion for three months after the sale. + +The whole are to be set up and prized by Charles Bubbleboy, who is +to open the auction with a speech. + + +I find I am so very unhappy, that, while I am busy in correcting the +folly and vice of one sex, several exorbitances break out in the +other. I have not thoroughly examined their new fashioned +petticoats, but shall set aside one day in the next week for that +purpose. The following petition on this subject was presented to me +this morning:-- + +"The humble petition of William Jingle, Coach-maker and Chair-maker, +of the Liberty of Westminster: + +"TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN: + +"Showeth, + +"That upon the late invention of Mrs. Catharine Cross-stitch, +mantua-maker, the petticoats of ladies were too wide for entering +into any coach or chair, which was in use before the said invention. + +"That for the service of the said ladies, your petitioner has built +a round chair, in the form of a lantern, six yards and a half in +circumference, with a stool in the centre of it: the said vehicle +being so contrived, as to receive the passenger by opening in two in +the middle, and closing mathematically when she is seated. + +"That your petitioner has also invented a coach for the reception of +one lady only, who is to be let in at the top. + +"That the said coach has been tried by a lady's woman in one of +these full petticoats, who was let down from a balcony, and drawn up +again by pulleys, to the great satisfaction of her lady, and all who +behold her. + +"Your petitioner, therefore, most humbly prays, that for the +encouragement of ingenuity and useful inventions, he may be heard +before you pass sentence upon the petticoats aforesaid. + + "And your petitioner," etc. + +I have likewise received a female petition, signed by several +thousands, praying that I would not any longer defer giving judgment +in the case of the petticoat, many of them having put off the making +new clothes, till such time as they know what verdict will pass upon +it. I do, therefore, hereby certify to all whom it may concern, +that I do design to set apart Tuesday next for the final +determination of that matter, having already ordered a jury of +matrons to be impannelled, for the clearing up of any difficult +points that may arise in the trial. + + ----- + +*** Being informed that several dead men in and about this city do +keep out of the way and abscond, for fear of being buried; and being +willing to respite their interment, in consideration of their +families, and in hopes of their amendment, I shall allow them +certain privileged places, where they may appear to one another, +without causing any let or molestation to the living, or receiving +any, in their own persons, from the company of Upholders. Between +the hours of seven and nine in the morning, they may appear in +safety at Saint James's coffee-house, or at White's, if they do not +keep their beds, which is more proper for men in their condition. +From nine to eleven I allow them to walk from Story's to Rosamond's +pond in the Park or in any other public walks which are not +frequented by the living at that time. Between eleven and three +they are to vanish, and keep out of sight till three in the +afternoon, at which time they may go to 'Change till five; and then, +if they please, divert themselves at the Haymarket, or Drury Lane +until the play begins. It is further granted in favour of these +persons, that they may be received at any table, where there are +more present than seven in number: provided that they do not take +upon them to talk, judge, commend, or find fault with any speech, +action, or behaviour of the living. In which case it shall be +lawful to seize their persons at any place or hour whatsoever, and +to convey their bodies to the next undertaker's; anything in this +advertisement to the contrary notwithstanding. + + ----- + + Sheer Lane, January 4. + +The court being prepared for proceeding on the cause of the +petticoat, I gave orders to bring in a criminal, who was taken up as +she went out of the puppet-show about three nights ago, and was now +standing in the street, with a great concourse of people about her. +Word was brought me that she had endeavoured twice or thrice to come +in, but could not do it by reason of her petticoat, which was too +large for the entrance of my house, though I had ordered both the +folding-doors to be thrown open for its reception. Upon this, I +desired the jury of matrons, who stood at my right hand, to inform +themselves whether there were any private reasons why she might not +make her appearance separate from her petticoat. This was managed +with great discretion, and had such an effect, that upon the return +of the verdict from the bench of matrons, I issued out an order +forthwith, "that the criminal should be stripped of her encumbrances +till she became little enough to enter my house." I had before +given directions for an engine of several legs that could contract +or open itself like the top of an umbrella, in order to place the +petticoat upon it, by which means I might take a leisurely survey of +it, as it should appear in its proper dimensions. This was all done +accordingly; and forthwith, upon the closing of the engine, the +petticoat was brought into court. I then directed the machine to be +set upon the table and dilated in such a manner as to show the +garment in its utmost circumference; but my great hall was too +narrow for the experiment; for before it was half unfolded, it +described so immoderate a circle, that the lower part of it brushed +upon my face as I sat in my chair of judicature. I then inquired +for the person that belonged to the petticoat; and to my great +surprise, was directed to a very beautiful young damsel, with so +pretty a face and shape, that I bid her come out of the crowd, and +seated her upon a little crock at my left hand. "My pretty maid," +said I, "do you own yourself to have been the inhabitant of the +garment before us?" The girl, I found, had good sense, and told me +with a smile, that, "notwithstanding it was her own petticoat, she +should be very glad to see an example made of it; and that she wore +it for no other reason, but that she had a mind to look as big and +burly as other persons of her quality; that she had kept out of it +as long as she could, and till she began to appear little in the +eyes of her acquaintance; that, if she laid it aside, people would +think she was not made like other women." I always give great +allowances to the fair sex upon account of the fashion, and, +therefore, was not displeased with the defence of the pretty +criminal. I then ordered the vest which stood before us to be drawn +up by a pulley to the top of my great hall, and afterwards to be +spread open by the engine it was placed upon, in such a manner, that +it formed a very splendid and ample canopy over our heads, and +covered the whole court of judicature with a kind of silken rotunda, +in its form not unlike the cupola of St. Paul's. I entered upon the +whole cause with great satisfaction as I sat under the shadow of it. + +The counsel for the petticoat were now called in, and ordered to +produce what they had to say against the popular cry which was +raised against it. They answered the objections with great strength +and solidity of argument, and expatiated in very florid harangues, +which they did not fail to set off and furbelow, if I may be allowed +the metaphor, with many periodical sentences and turns of oratory. +The chief arguments for their client were taken, first, from the +great benefit that might arise to our woollen manufactory from this +invention, which was calculated as follows. The common petticoat +has not above four yards in the circumference; whereas this over our +heads had more in the semi-diameter; so that, by allowing it +twenty-four yards in the circumference, the five millions of woollen +petticoats, which, according to Sir William Petty, supposing what +ought to be supposed in a well-governed state, that all petticoats +are made of that stuff, would amount to thirty millions of those of +the ancient mode: a prodigious improvement of the woollen trade! +and what could not fail to sink the power of France in a few years. + +To introduce the second argument, they begged leave to read a +petition of the ropemakers, wherein it was represented, "that the +demand for cords, and the price of them, were much risen since this +fashion came up." At this, all the company who were present lifted +up their eyes into the vault; and I must confess, we did discover +many traces of cordage, which were interwoven in the stiffening of +the drapery. + +A third argument was founded upon a petition of the Greenland trade, +which likewise represented the great consumption of whalebone which +would be occasioned by the present fashion, and the benefit which +would thereby accrue to that branch of the British trade. + +To conclude, they gently touched upon the weight and unwieldiness of +the garment, which they insinuated might be of great use. + +These arguments would have wrought very much upon me, as I then told +the company in a long and elaborate discourse, had I not considered +the great and additional expense which such fashions would bring +upon fathers and husbands; and, therefore, by no means to be thought +of till some years after a peace. I further urged, that it would be +a prejudice to the ladies themselves, who could never expect to have +any money in the pocket if they laid out so much on the petticoat. + +At the same time, in answer to the several petitions produced on +that side, I showed one subscribed by the women of several persons +of quality, humbly setting forth, "that, since the introduction of +this mode, their respective ladies had, instead of bestowing on them +their cast gowns, cut them into shreds, and mixed them with the +cordage and buckram, to complete the stiffening of their under +petticoats." For which, and sundry other reasons, I pronounced the +petticoat a forfeiture; but to show that I did not make that +judgment for the sake of filthy lucre, I ordered it to be folded up, +and sent it as a present to a widow-gentlewoman who has five +daughters, desiring she would make each of them a petticoat out of +it, and send me back the remainder, which I design to cut into +stomachers, caps, facings of my waistcoat-sleeves, and other +garnitures suitable to my age and quality. + +I would not be understood that, while I discard this monstrous +invention, I am an enemy to the proper ornaments of the fair sex. +On the contrary, as the hand of nature has poured on them such a +profusion of charms and graces, and sent them into the world more +amiable and finished than the rest of her works; so I would have +them bestow upon themselves all the additional beauties that art can +supply them with; provided it does not interfere with disguise, or +pervert those of nature. + +I consider woman as a beautiful romantic animal, that may be adorned +with furs and feathers, pearls and diamonds, ores and silks. The +lynx shall cast its skin at her feet to make her a tippet; the +peacock, parrot, and swan shall pay contributions to her muff; the +sea shall be searched for shells, and the rocks for gems; and every +part of nature furnish out its share towards the embellishment of a +creature that is the most consummate work of it. All this I shall +indulge them in; but as for the petticoat I have been speaking of, I +neither can nor will allow it. + + + +XIX.--OF MEN WHO ARE NOT THEIR OWN MASTERS. + + From my own Apartment, June 2. + +I have received a letter which accuses me of partiality in the +administration of the censorship; and says, that I have been very +free with the lower part of mankind, but extremely cautious in +representations of matters which concern men of condition. This +correspondent takes upon him also to say, the upholsterer was not +undone by turning politician, but became bankrupt by trusting his +goods to persons of quality; and demands of me, that I should do +justice upon such as brought poverty and distress upon the world +below them, while they themselves were sunk in pleasures and luxury, +supported at the expense of those very persons whom they treated +with a negligence, as if they did not know whether they dealt with +them or not. This is a very heavy accusation, both of me and such +as the man aggrieved accuses me of tolerating. For this reason, I +resolved to take this matter into consideration; and, upon very +little meditation, could call to my memory many instances which made +this complaint far from being groundless. The root of this evil +does not always proceed from injustice in the men of figure, but +often from a false grandeur which they take upon them in being +unacquainted with their own business; not considering how mean a +part they act when their names and characters are subjected to the +little arts of their servants and dependants. The overseers of the +poor are a people who have no great reputation for the discharge of +their trust, but are much less scandalous than the overseers of the +rich. Ask a young fellow of a great estate, who was that odd fellow +that spoke to him in a public place? he answers, "one that does my +business." It is, with many, a natural consequence of being a man +of fortune, that they are not to understand the disposal of it; and +they long to come to their estates, only to put themselves under new +guardianship. Nay, I have known a young fellow, who was regularly +bred an attorney, and was a very expert one till he had an estate +fallen to him. The moment that happened, he, who could before prove +the next land he cast his eye upon his own; and was so sharp, that a +man at first sight would give him a small sum for a general receipt, +whether he owed him anything or not: such a one, I say, have I +seen, upon coming to an estate, forget all his diffidence of +mankind, and become the most manageable thing breathing. He +immediately wanted a stirring man to take upon him his affairs; to +receive and pay, and do everything which he himself was now too fine +a gentleman to understand. It is pleasant to consider, that he who +would have got an estate, had he not come to one, will certainly +starve because one fell to him; but such contradictions are we to +ourselves, and any change of life is insupportable to some natures. + +It is a mistaken sense of superiority to believe a figure, or +equipage, gives men precedence to their neighbours. Nothing can +create respect from mankind, but laying obligations upon them; and +it may very reasonably be concluded, that if it were put into a due +balance, according to the true state of the account, many who +believe themselves in possession of a large share of dignity in the +world, must give place to their inferiors. The greatest of all +distinctions in civil life is that of debtor and creditor; and there +needs no great progress in logic to know which, in that case, is the +advantageous side. He who can say to another, "Pray, master," or +"pray, my lord, give me my own," can as justly tell him, "It is a +fantastical distinction you take upon you, to pretend to pass upon +the world for my master or lord, when, at the same time that I wear +your livery, you owe me wages; or, while I wait at your door, you +are ashamed to see me till you have paid my bill." + +The good old way among the gentry of England to maintain their +pre-eminence over the lower rank, was by their bounty, munificence, +and hospitality; and it is a very unhappy change, if at present, by +themselves or their agents, the luxury of the gentry is supported by +the credit of the trader. This is what my correspondent pretends to +prove out of his own books, and those of his whole neighbourhood. +He has the confidence to say, that there is a mug-house near Long +Acre, where you may every evening hear an exact account of +distresses of this kind. One complains that such a lady's finery is +the occasion that his own wife and daughter appear so long in the +same gown. Another, that all the furniture of her visiting +apartment are no more hers than the scenery of a play are the proper +goods of the actress. Nay, at the lower end of the same table, you +may hear a butcher and a poulterer say, that, at their proper +charge, all that family has been maintained since they last came to +town. + +The free manner in which people of fashion are discoursed on at such +meetings is but a just reproach for their failures in this kind; but +the melancholy relations of the great necessities tradesmen are +driven to, who support their credit in spite of the faithless +promises which are made them, and the abatement which they suffer +when paid by the extortion of upper servants, is what would stop the +most thoughtless man in the career of his pleasures, if rightly +represented to him. + +If this matter be not very speedily amended, I shall think fit to +print exact lists of all persons who are not at their own disposal, +though above the age of twenty-one; and as the trader is made +bankrupt for absence from his abode, so shall the gentleman for +being at home, if, when Mr. Morphew calls, he cannot give him an +exact account of what passes in his own family. After this fair +warning, no one ought to think himself hardly dealt with, if I take +upon me to pronounce him no longer master of his estate, wife, or +family, than he continues to improve, cherish, and maintain them +upon the basis of his own property, without incursions upon his +neighbour in any of these particulars. + +According to that excellent philosopher Epictetus, we are all but +acting parts in a play; and it is not a distinction in itself to be +high or low, but to become the parts we are to perform. I am, by my +office, prompter on this occasion, and shall give those who are a +little out in their parts such soft hints as may help them to +proceed, without letting it be known to the audience they were out; +but if they run quite out of character, they must be called off the +stage, and receive parts more suitable to their genius. Servile +complaisance shall degrade a man from his honour and quality, and +haughtiness be yet more debased. Fortune shall no longer +appropriate distinctions, but nature direct us in the disposition +both of respect and discountenance. As there are tempers made for +command and others for obedience, so there are men born for +acquiring possessions, and others incapable of being other than mere +lodgers in the houses of their ancestors, and have it not in their +very composition to be proprietors of anything. These men are moved +only by the mere effects of impulse: their good-will and disesteem +are to be regarded equally, for neither is the effect of their +judgment. This loose temper is that which makes a man, what Sallust +so well remarks to happen frequently in the same person, to be +covetous of what is another's, and profuse of what is his own. This +sort of men is usually amiable to ordinary eyes; but, in the sight +of reason, nothing is laudable but what is guided by reason. The +covetous prodigal is of all others the worst man in society. If he +would but take time to look into himself, he would find his soul all +over gashed with broken vows and promises; and his retrospect on his +actions would not consist of reflections upon those good resolutions +after mature thought, which are the true life of a reasonable +creature, but the nauseous memory of imperfect pleasures, idle +dreams, and occasional amusements. To follow such dissatisfying +pursuits is it possible to suffer the ignominy of being unjust? I +remember in Tully's Epistle, in the recommendation of a man to an +affair which had no manner of relation to money, it is said, "You +may trust him, for he is a frugal man." It is certain, he who has +not a regard to strict justice in the commerce of life, can be +capable of no good action in any other kind; but he who lives below +his income, lays up every moment of life armour against a base +world, that will cover all his frailties while he is so fortified, +and exaggerate them when he is naked and defenceless. + +ADVERTISEMENT. + +*** A stage-coach sets out exactly at six from Nando's coffee-house +to Mr. Tiptoe's dancing-school, and returns at eleven every evening, +for one shilling and four-pence. + +N.B.--Dancing shoes, not exceeding four inches height in the heel, +and periwigs, not exceeding three feet in length, are carried in the +coach-box gratis. + + + +XX.--FALSE DOCTORING. + + From my own Apartment, October 2O. + +I do not remember that in any of my lucubrations I have touched upon +that useful science of physic, notwithstanding I have declared +myself more than once a professor of it. I have indeed joined the +study of astrology with it, because I never knew a physician +recommend himself to the public who had not a sister art to +embellish his knowledge in medicine. It has been commonly observed, +in compliment to the ingenious of our profession, that Apollo was +god of verse as well as physic; and in all ages, the most celebrated +practitioners of our country were the particular favourites of the +Muses. Poetry to physic is indeed like the gilding to a pill; it +makes the art shine, and covers the severity of the doctor with the +agreeableness of the companion. + +The very foundation of poetry is good sense, if we may allow Horace +to be a judge of the art. + + "Scribendi recte sapere est et principium et fons." + HOR. ARS POET. 3O9. + + "Such judgment is the ground of writing well." + ROSCOMMON. + +And if so, we have reason to believe that the same man who writes +well can prescribe well, if he has applied himself to the study of +both. Besides, when we see a man making profession of two different +sciences, it is natural for us to believe he is no pretender in that +which we are not judges of, when we find him skilful in that which +we understand. + +Ordinary quacks and charlatans are thoroughly sensible how necessary +it is to support themselves by these collateral assistances, and +therefore always lay their claim to some supernumerary +accomplishments, which are wholly foreign to their profession. + +About twenty years ago, it was impossible to walk the streets +without having an advertisement thrust into your hand, of a doctor +"who was arrived at the knowledge of the 'Green and Red Dragon,' and +had discovered the female fern-seed." Nobody ever knew what this +meant; but the "Green and Red Dragon" so amused the people, that the +doctor lived very comfortably upon them. About the same time there +was pasted a very hard word upon every corner of the streets. This, +to the best of my remembrance, was + + TETRACHYMAGOGON, + +which drew great shoals of spectators about it, who read the bill +that it introduced with unspeakable curiosity; and when they were +sick, would have nobody but this learned man for their physician. + +I once received an advertisement of one "who had studied thirty +years by candle-light for the good of his countrymen." He might +have studied twice as long by daylight and never have been taken +notice of. But elucubrations cannot be over-valued. There are some +who have gained themselves great reputation for physic by their +birth, as the "seventh son of a seventh son," and others by not +being born at all, as the unborn doctor, who I hear is lately gone +the way of his patients, having died worth five hundred pounds per +annum, though he was not born to a halfpenny. + +My ingenious friend, Doctor Saffold, succeeded my old contemporary, +Doctor Lilly, in the studies both of physic and astrology, to which +he added that of poetry, as was to be seen both upon the sign where +he lived, and in the pills which he distributed. He was succeeded +by Doctor Case, who erased the verses of his predecessor out of the +sign-post, and substituted in their stead two of his own, which were +as follow:-- + + "Within this place + Lives Doctor Case." + +He is said to have got more by this distich than Mr. Dryden did by +all his works. There would be no end of enumerating the several +imaginary perfections and unaccountable artifices by which this +tribe of men ensnare the minds of the vulgar and gain crowds of +admirers. I have seen the whole front of a mountebank's stage from +one end to the other, faced with patents, certificates, medals, and +great seals, by which the several princes of Europe have testified +their particular respect and esteem for the doctor. Every great man +with a sounding title has been his patient. I believe I have seen +twenty mountebanks that have given physic to the Czar of Muscovy. +The Great Duke of Tuscany escapes no better. The Elector of +Brandenburg was likewise a very good patient. + +This great condescension of the doctor draws upon him much good-will +from his audience; and it is ten to one but if any of them be +troubled with an aching tooth, his ambition will prompt him to get +it drawn by a person who has had so many princes, kings, and +emperors under his hands. + +I must not leave this subject without observing that, as physicians +are apt to deal in poetry, apothecaries endeavour to recommend +themselves by oratory, and are therefore, without controversy, the +most eloquent persons in the whole British nation. I would not +willingly discourage any of the arts, especially that of which I am +an humble professor; but I must confess, for the good of my native +country, I could wish there might be a suspension of physic for some +years, that our kingdom, which has been so much exhausted by the +wars, might have leave to recruit itself. + +As for myself, the only physic which has brought me safe to almost +the age of man, and which I prescribe to all my friends, is +Abstinence. This is certainly the best physic for prevention, and +very often the most effectual against a present distemper. In +short, my recipe is "Take nothing." + +Were the body politic to be physicked like particular persons, I +should venture to prescribe to it after the same manner. I remember +when our whole island was shaken with an earthquake some years ago, +there was an impudent mountebank who sold pills, which, as he told +the country people, were "very good against an earthquake." It may, +perhaps, be thought as absurd to prescribe a diet for the allaying +popular commotions and national ferments. But I am verily persuaded +that if in such a case a whole people were to enter into a course of +abstinence, and eat nothing but water-gruel for a fortnight, it +would abate the rage and animosity of parties, and not a little +contribute to the care of a distracted nation. Such a fast would +have a natural tendency to the procuring of those ends, for which a +fast is usually proclaimed. If any man has a mind to enter on such +a voluntary abstinence, it might not be improper to give him the +caution of Pythagoras in particular, Abstine a fabis, "Abstain from +beans," that is, say the interpreters, "Meddle not with elections," +beans having been made use of by the voters among the Athenians in +the choice of magistrates. + + + +XXI.--DRINKING. + + From my own Apartment, October 23. + +A method of spending one's time agreeably is a thing so little +studied, that the common amusement of our young gentlemen, +especially of such as are at a distance from those of the first +breeding, is Drinking. This way of entertainment has custom on its +side; but as much as it has prevailed, I believe there have been +very few companies that have been guilty of excess this way, where +there have not happened more accidents which make against than for +the continuance of it. It is very common that events arise from a +debauch which are fatal, and always such as are disagreeable. With +all a man's reason and good sense about him, his tongue is apt to +utter things out of mere gaiety of heart, which may displease his +best friends. Who then would trust himself to the power of wine +without saying more against it, than that it raises the imagination +and depresses the judgment? Were there only this single +consideration, that we are less masters of ourselves when we drink +in the least proportion above the exigencies of thirst, I say, were +this all that could be objected, it were sufficient to make us abhor +this vice. But we may go on to say, that as he who drinks but a +little is not master of himself, so he who drinks much is a slave to +himself. As for my part, I ever esteemed a drunkard of all vicious +persons the most vicious: for if our actions are to be weighed and +considered according to the intention of them, what cannot we think +of him, who puts himself into a circumstance wherein he can have no +intention at all, but incapacitates himself for the duties and +offices of life by a suspension of all his faculties? If a man +considered that he cannot, under the oppression of drink, be a +friend, a gentleman, a master, or a subject: that he has so long +banished himself from all that is dear, and given up all that is +sacred to him: he would even then think of a debauch with horror. +But when he looks still further and acknowledges that he is not only +expelled out of all the relations of life, but also liable to offend +against them all; what words can express the terror and detestation +he would have of such a condition? And yet he owns all this of +himself who says he was drunk last night. + +As I have all along persisted in it, that all the vicious in general +are in a state of death; so I think I may add to the non-existence +of drunkards, that they died by their own hands. He is certainly as +guilty of suicide who perishes by a slow, as he that is despatched +by an immediate, poison. In my last lucubration I proposed the +general use of water gruel, and hinted that it might not be amiss at +this very season. But as there are some whose cases, in regard to +their families, will not admit of delay, I have used my interest in +several wards of the city, that the wholesome restorative +above-mentioned may be given in tavern kitchens to all the morning +draughtsmen within the walls when they call for wine before noon. +For a further restraint and mark upon such persons, I have given +orders, that in all the offices where policies are drawn upon lives, +it shall be added to the article which prohibits that the nominee +should cross the sea, the words, "Provided also, that the +above-mentioned A. B. shall not drink before dinner during the term +mentioned in this indenture." + +I am not without hopes, that by this method I shall bring some +unsizable friends of mine into shape and breadth, as well as others, +who are languid and consumptive, into health and vigour. Most of +the self-murderers whom I yet hinted at are such as preserve a +certain regularity in taking their poison, and make it mix pretty +well with their food. But the most conspicuous of those who destroy +themselves, are such as in their youth fall into this sort of +debauchery; and contract a certain uneasiness of spirit, which is +not to be diverted but by tippling as often as they can fall into +company in the day, and conclude with downright drunkenness at +night. These gentlemen never know the satisfaction of youth, but +skip the years of manhood, and are decrepit soon after they are of +age. I was godfather to one of these old fellows. He is now three- +and-thirty, which is the grand climacteric of a young drunkard. I +went to visit the wretch this morning, with no other purpose but to +rally him under the pain and uneasiness of being sober. + +But as our faults are double when they affect others besides +ourselves, so this vice is still more odious in a married than a +single man. He that is the husband of a woman of honour, and comes +home overloaded with wine, is still more contemptible in proportion +to the regard we have to the unhappy consort of his bestiality. The +imagination cannot shape to itself anything more monstrous and +unnatural than the familiarities between drunkenness and chastity. +The wretched Astraea, who is the perfection of beauty and innocence, +has long been thus condemned for life. The romantic tales of +virgins devoted to the jaws of monsters, have nothing in them so +terrible as the gift of Astraea to that Bacchanal. + + + +XXII.--NIGHT AND DAY. + + From my own Apartment, December 13. + +An old friend of mine being lately come to town, I went to see him +on Tuesday last about eight o'clock in the evening, with a design to +sit with him an hour or two and talk over old stories; but, upon +inquiring after him, his servant told me he was just gone to bed. +The next morning, as soon as I was up and dressed, and had +despatched a little business, I came again to my friend's house +about eleven o'clock, with a design to renew my visit: but, upon +asking for him, his servant told me he was just sat down to dinner. +In short, I found that my old-fashioned friend religiously adhered +to the example of his forefathers, and observed the same hours that +had been kept in the family ever since the Conquest. + +It is very plain that the night was much longer formerly in this +island than it is at present. By the night, I mean that portion of +time which Nature has thrown into darkness, and which the wisdom of +mankind had formerly dedicated to rest and silence. This used to +begin at eight o'clock in the evening, and conclude at six in the +morning. The curfew, or eight o'clock bell, was the signal +throughout the nation for putting out their candles and going to +bed. + +Our grandmothers, though they were wont to sit up the last in the +family, were all of them fast asleep at the same hours that their +daughters are busy at crimp and basset. Modern statesmen are +concerting schemes, and engaged in the depth of politics, at the +time when their forefathers were laid down quietly to rest and had +nothing in their heads but dreams. As we have thus thrown business +and pleasure into the hours of rest, and by that means made the +natural night but half as long as it should be, we are forced to +piece it out with a great part of the morning; so that near +two-thirds of the nation lie fast asleep for several hours in broad +day-light. This irregularity is grown so very fashionable at +present, that there is scarcely a lady of quality in Great Britain +that ever saw the sun rise. And, if the humour increases in +proportion to what it has done of late years, it is not impossible +but our children may hear the bell-man going about the streets at +nine o'clock in the morning, and the watch making their rounds till +eleven. This unaccountable disposition in mankind to continue awake +in the night and sleep in sunshine, has made me inquire, whether the +same change of inclination has happened to any other animals? For +this reason, I desired a friend of mine in the country to let me +know whether the lark rises as early as he did formerly; and whether +the cock begins to crow at his usual hour? My friend has answered +me, "that his poultry are as regular as ever, and that all the birds +and the beasts of his neighbourhood keep the same hours that they +have observed in the memory of man; and the same which in all +probability they have kept for these five thousand years." + +If you would see the innovations that have been made among us in +this particular, you may only look into the hours of colleges, where +they still dine at eleven, and sup at six, which were doubtless the +hours of the whole nation at the time when those places were +founded. But at present, the courts of justice are scarce opened in +Westminster Hall at the time when William Rufus used to go to dinner +in it. All business is driven forward. The landmarks of our +fathers, if I may so call them, are removed, and planted farther up +into the day; insomuch, that I am afraid our clergy will be obliged, +if they expect full congregations, not to look any more upon ten +o'clock in the morning as a canonical hour. In my own memory, the +dinner has crept by degrees from twelve o'clock to three, and where +it will fix nobody knows. + +I have sometimes thought to draw up a memorial in the behalf of +Supper against Dinner, setting forth, that the said Dinner has made +several encroachments upon the said Supper, and entered very far +upon his frontiers; that he has banished him out of several +families, and in all has driven him from his headquarters, and +forced him to make his retreat into the hours of midnight; and, in +short, that he is now in danger of being entirely confounded and +lost in a breakfast. Those who have read Lucian, and seen the +complaints of the letter T against S, upon account of many injuries +and usurpations of the same nature, will not, I believe, think such +a memorial forced and unnatural. If dinner has been thus postponed, +or, if you please, kept back from time to time, you may be sure that +it has been in compliance with the other business of the day, and +that supper has still observed a proportionable distance. There is +a venerable proverb which we have all of us heard in our infancy, of +"putting the children to bed, and laying the goose to the fire." +This was one of the jocular sayings of our forefathers, but maybe +properly used in the literal sense at present. Who would not wonder +at this perverted relish of those who are reckoned the most polite +part of mankind, that prefer sea-coals and candles to the sun, and +exchange so many cheerful morning hours, for the pleasures of +midnight revels and debauches? If a man was only to consult his +health, he would choose to live his whole time, if possible, in +daylight, and to retire out of the world into silence and sleep, +while the raw damps and unwholesome vapours fly abroad, without a +sun to disperse, moderate, or control them. For my own part, I +value an hour in the morning as much as common libertines do an hour +at midnight. When I find myself awakened into being, and perceive +my life renewed within me, and at the same time see the whole face +of nature recovered out of the dark uncomfortable state in which it +lay for several hours, my heart overflows with such secret +sentiments of joy and gratitude, as are a kind of implicit praise to +the great Author of Nature. The mind, in these early seasons of the +day, is so refreshed in all its faculties, and borne up with such +new supplies of animal spirits, that she finds herself in a state of +youth, especially when she is entertained with the breath of +flowers, the melody of birds, the dews that hang upon the plants, +and all those other sweets of nature that are peculiar to the +morning. + +It is impossible for a man to have this relish of being, this +exquisite taste of life, who does not come into the world before it +is in all its noise and hurry; who loses the rising of the sun, the +still hours of the day, and, immediately upon his first getting up +plunges himself into the ordinary cares or follies of the world. + +I shall conclude this paper with Milton's inimitable description of +Adam's awakening his Eve in Paradise, which indeed would have been a +place as little delightful as a barren heath or desert to those who +slept in it. The fondness of the posture in which Adam is +represented, and the softness of his whisper, are passages in this +divine poem that are above all commendation, and rather to be +admired than praised. + + Now Morn, her rosy steps in the eastern clime, + Advancing, sowed the earth with orient pearl, + When Adam waked, so customed; for his sleep + Was airy light from pure digestion bred, + And temperate vapours bland; which the only sound + Of leaves and fuming rills, Aurora's fan, + Lightly dispersed, and the shrill matin song + Of birds on every bough; so much the more + His wonder was to find unwakened Eve, + With tresses discomposed, and glowing cheek, + As through unquiet rest. He on his side + Leaning half-raised, with looks of cordial love, + Hung over her enamoured, and beheld + Beauty, which, whether waking or asleep, + Shot forth peculiar graces. Then, with voice + Mild as when Zephyrus on Flora breathes, + Her hand soft touching, whispered thus: "Awake, + My fairest, my espoused, my latest found, + Heaven's last, best gift, my ever-new delight, + Awake; the morning shines, and the fresh field + Calls us; we lose the prime, to mark how spring + Our tended plants, how blows the citron grove, + What drops the myrrh, and what the balmy reed, + How Nature paints her colours, how the bee + Sits on the bloom extracting liquid sweet." + Such whispering waked her, but with startled eye + On Adam, whom embracing, thus she spake: + "O soul! in whom my thoughts find all repose, + My glory, my perfection, glad I see + Thy face, and morn returned." + PAR. LOST, V.1. + + + +XXIII.--TWO OLD LADIES. + + From my own Apartment, December 2O, 171O. + +It would be a good appendix to "The Art of Living and Dying" if any +one would write "The Art of growing Old," and teach men to resign +their pretensions to the pleasures and gallantries of youth in +proportion to the alteration they find in themselves by the approach +of age and infirmities. The infirmities of this stage of life would +be much fewer if we did not affect those which attend the more +vigorous and active part of our days; but instead of studying to be +wiser, or being contented with our present follies, the ambition of +many of us is also to be the same sort of fools we formerly have +been. I have often argued, as I am a professed lover of women, that +our sex grows old with a much worse grace than the other does; and +have ever been of opinion that there are more well-pleased old women +than old men. I thought it a good reason for this, that the +ambition of the fair sex being confined to advantageous marriages, +or shining in the eyes of men, their parts were over sooner, and +consequently the errors in the performance of them. The +conversation of this evening has not convinced me of the contrary; +for one or two fop-women shall not make a balance for the crowd of +coxcombs among ourselves, diversified according to the different +pursuits of pleasure and business. + +Returning home this evening, a little before my usual hour, I scarce +had seated myself in my easy-chair, stirred the fire, and stroked my +cat, but I heard somebody come rumbling upstairs. I saw my door +opened, and a human figure advancing towards me so fantastically put +together that it was some minutes before I discovered it to be my +old and intimate friend Sam Trusty. Immediately I rose up, and +placed him in my own seat; a compliment I pay to few. The first +thing he uttered was, "Isaac, fetch me a cup of your cherry brandy +before you offer to ask any question." He drank a lusty draught, +sat silent for some time, and at last broke out: "I am come," quoth +he, "to insult thee for an old fantastic dotard, as thou art, in +ever defending the women. I have this evening visited two widows, +who are now in that state I have often heard you call an after-life; +I suppose you mean by it an existence which grows out of past +entertainments, and is an untimely delight in the satisfactions +which they once set their hearts upon too much to be ever able to +relinquish. Have but patience," continued he, "till I give you a +succinct account of my ladies and of this night's adventure. They +are much of an age, but very different in their characters. The one +of them, with all the advances which years have made upon her, goes +on in a certain romantic road of love and friendship, which she fell +into in her teens; the other has transferred the amorous passions of +her first years to the love of cronies, pets, and favourites, with +which she is always surrounded; but the genius of each of them will +best appear by the account of what happened to me at their houses. +About five this afternoon, being tired with study, the weather +inviting, and time lying a little upon my hands, I resolved, at the +instigation of my evil genius, to visit them; their husbands having +been our contemporaries. This I thought I could do without much +trouble; for both live in the very next street. I went first to my +lady Camomile; and the butler, who had lived long in the family, and +seen me often in his master's time, ushered me very civilly into the +parlour, and told me, though my lady had given strict orders to be +denied, he was sure I might be admitted, and bid the black boy +acquaint his lady that I was come to wait upon her. In the window +lay two letters; one broken open, the other fresh sealed with a +wafer; the first directed to the divine Cosmelia, the second to the +charming Lucinda; but both, by the indented characters, appeared to +have been writ by very unsteady hands. Such uncommon addresses +increased my curiosity, and put me upon asking my old friend the +butler if he knew who those persons were. 'Very well,' says he; +'this is from Mrs. Furbish to my lady, an old schoolfellow and great +crony of her ladyship's: and this the answer.' I inquired in what +county she lived. 'Oh, dear!' says he, 'but just by, in the +neighbourhood. Why, she was here all this morning, and that letter +came and was answered within these two hours. They have taken an +odd fancy, you must know, to call one another hard names; but, for +all that, they love one another hugely.' By this time the boy +returned with his lady's humble service to me, desiring I would +excuse her; for she could not possibly see me, nor anybody else, for +it was opera-night." + +"Methinks," says I, "such innocent folly as two old women's +courtship to each other should rather make you merry than put you +out of humour." "Peace, good Isaac," says he, "no interruption, I +beseech you. I got soon to Mrs. Feeble's, she that was formerly +Betty Frisk; you must needs remember her; Tom Feeble, of Brazen +Nose, fell in love with her for her fine dancing. Well, Mrs. +Ursula, without further ceremony, carries me directly up to her +mistress's chamber, where I found her environed by four of the most +mischievous animals than can ever infest a family; an old shock dog +with one eye, a monkey chained to one side of the chimney, a great +grey squirrel to the other, and a parrot waddling in the middle of +the room. However, for awhile all was in a profound tranquillity. +Upon the mantle-tree, for I am a pretty curious observer, stood a +pot of lambative electuary, with a stick of liquorice, and near it a +phial of rose-water, and powder of tutty. Upon the table lay a pipe +filled with betony and colt's-foot, a roll of wax-candle, a silver +spitting-pot, and a Seville orange. The lady was placed in a large +wicker chair, and her feet wrapped up in flannel, supported by +cushions; and in this attitude--would you believe it, Isaac?--was +she reading a romance with spectacles on. The first compliments +over, as she was industriously endeavouring to enter upon +conversation, a violent fit of coughing seized her. This awakened +Shock, and in a trice the whole room was in an uproar; for the dog +barked, the squirrel squealed, the monkey chattered, the parrot +screamed, and Ursula, to appease them, was more clamorous than all +the rest. You, Isaac, who know how any harsh noise affects my head, +may guess what I suffered from the hideous din of these discordant +sounds. At length all was appeased, and quiet restored: a chair +was drawn for me; where I was no sooner seated, but the parrot fixed +his horny beak, as sharp as a pair of shears, in one of my heels, +just above the shoe. I sprang from the place with an unusual +agility, and so, being within the monkey's reach, he snatches off my +new bob-wig, and throws it upon two apples that were roasting by a +sullen sea-coal fire. I was nimble enough to save it from any +further damage than singeing the fore-top. I put it on; and +composing myself as well as I could, I drew my chair towards the +other side of the chimney. The good lady, as soon as she had +recovered breath, employed it in making a thousand apologies, and, +with great eloquence, and a numerous train of words, lamented my +misfortune. In the middle of her harangue, I felt something +scratching near my knee, and feeling what it should be, found the +squirrel had got into my coat-pocket. As I endeavoured to remove +him from his burrow, he made his teeth meet through the fleshy part +of my forefinger. This gave me an unexpressible pain. The Hungary +water was immediately brought to bathe it, and goldbeater's skin +applied to stop the blood. The lady renewed her excuses; but, being +now out of all patience, I abruptly took my leave, and hobbling +downstairs with heedless haste, I set my foot full in a pail of +water, and down we came to the bottom together." Here my friend +concluded his narrative, and, with a composed countenance, I began +to make him compliments of condolence; but he started from his +chair, and said, "Isaac, you may spare your speeches; I expect no +reply. When I told you this, I knew you would laugh at me; but the +next woman that makes me ridiculous shall be a young one." + + + +XXIV.--MARIA CALLS IN SHIRE LANE. + + From my own Apartment, November 7, 17O9. + +I was very much surprised this evening with a visit from one of the +top Toasts of the town, who came privately in a chair, and bolted +into my room, while I was reading a chapter of Agrippa upon the +occult sciences; but, as she entered with all the air and bloom that +nature ever bestowed on woman, I threw down the conjurer, and met +the charmer. I had no sooner placed her at my right hand by the +fire, but she opened to me the reason of her visit. "Mr. +Bickerstaff," said the fine creature, "I have been your +correspondent some time, though I never saw you before; I have +written by the name of Maria. You have told me you were too far +gone in life to think of love. Therefore, I am answered as to the +passion I spoke of; and," continued she, smiling, "I will not stay +till you grow young again, as you men never fail to do in your +dotage, but am come to consult you about disposing of myself to +another. My person you see; my fortune is very considerable; but I +am at present under much perplexity how to act in a great +conjuncture. I have two lovers, Crassus and Lorio; Crassus is +prodigiously rich, but has no one distinguishing quality; though at +the same time he is not remarkable on the defective side. Lorio has +travelled, is well bred, pleasant in discourse, discreet in his +conduct, agreeable in his person; and, with all this, he has a +competency of fortune without superfluity. When I consider Lorio, +my mind is filled with an idea of the great satisfactions of a +pleasant conversation. When I think of Crassus, my equipage, +numerous servants, gay liveries, and various dresses, are opposed to +the charms of his rival. In a word when I cast my eyes upon Lorio, +I forget and despise fortune; when I behold Crassus, I think only of +pleasing my vanity, and enjoying an uncontrolled expense in all the +pleasures of life, except love." She paused here. + +"Madam," said I, "I am confident that you have not stated your case +with sincerity, and that there is some secret pang which you have +concealed from me; for I see by your aspect the generosity of your +mind; and that open, ingenuous air lets me know that you have too +great a sense of the generous passion of love to prefer the +ostentation of life in the arms of Crassus to the entertainments and +conveniences of it in the company of your beloved Lorio: for so he +is indeed, madam; you speak his name with a different accent from +the rest of your discourse. The idea his image raises in you gives +new life to your features, and new grace to your speech. Nay, blush +not, madam; there is no dishonour in loving a man of merit. I +assure you, I am grieved at this dallying with yourself, when you +put another in competition with him, for no other reason but +superior wealth."--"To tell you, then," said she, "the bottom of my +heart, there is Clotilda lies by, and plants herself in the way of +Crassus, and I am confident will snap him if I refuse him. I cannot +bear to think that she will shine above me. When our coaches meet, +to see her chariot hung behind with four footmen, and mine with but +two: hers, powdered, gay, and saucy, kept only for show; mine, a +couple of careful rogues that are good for something: I own I +cannot bear that Clotilda should be in all the pride and wantonness +of wealth, and I only in the ease and affluence of it." + +Here I interrupted: "Well, madam, now I see your whole affliction; +you could be happy, but that you fear another would be happier. Or +rather, you could be solidly happy, but that another is to be happy +in appearance. This is an evil which you must get over, or never +know happiness. We will put the case, madam, that you married +Crassus, and she Lorio." She answered: "Speak not of it; I could +tear her eyes out at the mention of it."--"Well, then, I pronounce +Lorio to be the man; but I must tell you that what we call settling +in the world is, in a kind, leaving it; and you must at once resolve +to keep your thoughts of happiness within the reach of your fortune, +and not measure it by comparison with others." + + + +XXV.--SISTER JENNY AND HER HUSBAND. + + From my own Apartment, October +24. + +My brother Tranquillus, who is a man of business, came to me this +morning into my study, and after very many civil expressions in +return for what good offices I had done him, told me "he desired to +carry his wife, my sister, that very morning to his own house." I +readily told him "I would wait upon him" without asking why he was +so impatient to rob us of his good company. He went out of my +chamber, and I thought seemed to have a little heaviness upon him, +which gave me some disquiet. Soon after my sister came to me with a +very matron-like air, and most sedate satisfaction in her looks, +which spoke her very much at ease; but the traces of her countenance +seemed to discover that she had lately been in a passion, and that +air of content to flow from a certain triumph upon some advantage +obtained. She no sooner sat down by me but I perceived she was one +of those ladies who begin to be managers within the time of their +being brides. Without letting her speak, which I saw she had a +mighty inclination to do, I said, "Here has been your husband, who +tells me he has a mind to go home this very morning, and I have +consented to it."--"It is well," said she, "for you must know--" +"Nay, Jenny," said I, "I beg your pardon, for it is you must know. +You are to understand, that now is the time to fix or alienate your +husband's heart for ever; and I fear you have been a little +indiscreet in your expressions or behaviour towards him, even here +in my house." "There has," says she, "been some words; but I will +be judged by you if he was not in the wrong: nay, I need not be +judged by anybody, for he gave it up himself, and said not a word +when he saw me grow passionate but, 'Madam, you are perfectly in the +right of it:' as you shall judge--" " Nay, madam," said I, "I am +judge already, and tell you that you are perfectly in the wrong of +it; for if it was a matter of importance, I know he has better sense +than you; if a trifle, you know what I told you on your wedding day, +that you were to be above little provocations." She knows very well +I can be sour upon occasion, therefore gave me leave to go on. + +"Sister," said I, "I will not enter into the dispute between you, +which I find his prudence put an end to before it came to extremity; +but charge you to have a care of the first quarrel, as you tender +your happiness; for then it is that the mind will reflect harshly +upon every circumstance that has ever passed between you. If such +an accident is ever to happen, which I hope never will, be sure to +keep the circumstance before you; make no allusions to what is +passed, or conclusions referring to what is to come; do not show a +hoard of matter for dissension in your breast; but, if it is +necessary, lay before him the thing as you understand it, candidly, +without being ashamed of acknowledging an error, or proud of being +in the right. If a young couple be not careful in this point they +will get into a habit of wrangling; and when to displease is thought +of no consequence, to please is always of as little moment. There +is a play, Jenny, I have formerly been at when I was a student; we +got into a dark corner with a porringer of brandy, and threw raisins +into it, then set it on fire. My chamber-fellow and I diverted +ourselves with the sport of venturing our fingers for the raisins; +and the wantonness of the thing was to see each other look like a +demon, as we burnt ourselves, and snatched out the fruit. This +fantastical mirth was called Snap-Dragon. You may go into many a +family, where you see the man and wife at this sport: every word at +their table alludes to some passage between themselves; and you see +by the paleness and emotion in their countenances that it is for +your sake and not their own that they forbear playing out the whole +game in burning each other's fingers. In this case, the whole +purpose of life is inverted, and the ambition turns upon a certain +contention, who shall contradict best, and not upon an inclination +to excel in kindnesses and good offices. Therefore, dear Jenny, +remember me, and avoid Snap-Dragon." + +"I thank you, brother," said she, "but you do not know how he loves +me; I find I can do anything with him."--"If you can so, why should +you desire to do anything but please him? But I have a word or two +more before you go out of the room; for I see you do not like the +subject I am upon: let nothing provoke you to fall upon an +imperfection he cannot help; for, if he has a resenting spirit, he +will think your aversion as immovable as the imperfection with which +you upbraid him. But above all, dear Jenny, be careful of one +thing, and you will be something more than woman; that is, a levity +you are almost all guilty of, which is, to take a pleasure in your +power to give pain. It is even in a mistress an argument of +meanness of spirit, but in a wife it is injustice and ingratitude. +When a sensible man once observes this in a woman, he must have a +very great, or very little, spirit to overlook it. A woman ought, +therefore, to consider very often how few men there are who will +regard a meditated offence as a weakness of temper." + +I was going on in my confabulation, when Tranquillus entered. She +cast all her eyes upon him with much shame and confusion, mixed with +great complacency and love, and went up to him. He took her in his +arms, and looked so many soft things at one glance that I could see +he was glad I had been talking to her, sorry she had been troubled, +and angry at himself that he could not disguise the concern he was +in an hour before. After which he says to me, with an air awkward +enough, but methought not unbecoming, "I have altered my mind, +brother; we will live upon you a day or two longer." I replied, +"That is what I have been persuading Jenny to ask of you, but she is +resolved never to contradict your inclination, and refused me." + +We were going on in that way which one hardly knows how to express; +as when two people mean the same thing in a nice case, but come at +it by talking as distantly from it as they can; when very +opportunely came in upon us an honest, inconsiderable fellow, Tim +Dapper, a gentleman well known to us both. Tim is one of those who +are very necessary, by being very inconsiderable. Tim dropped in at +an incident when we knew not how to fall into either a grave or a +merry way. My sister took this occasion to make off, and Dapper +gave us an account of all the company he had been in to-day, who +was, and who was not at home, where he visited. This Tim is the +head of a species: he is a little out of his element in this town; +but he is a relation of Tranquillus, and his neighbour in the +country, which is the true place of residence for this species. The +habit of a Dapper, when he is at home, is a light broad-cloth, with +calamanco or red waistcoat and breeches; and it is remarkable that +their wigs seldom hide the collar of their coats. They have always +a peculiar spring in their arms, a wriggle in their bodies, and a +trip in their gait. All which motions they express at once in their +drinking, bowing or saluting ladies; for a distant imitation of a +forward fop, and a resolution to overtop him in his way, are the +distinguishing marks of a Dapper. These under-characters of men are +parts of the sociable world by no means to be neglected: they are +like pegs in a building; they make no figure in it, but hold the +structure together, and are as absolutely necessary as the pillars +and columns. I am sure we found it so this morning; for Tranquillus +and I should, perhaps, have looked cold at each other the whole day, +but Dapper fell in, with his brisk way, shook us both by the hand, +rallied the bride, mistook the acceptance he met with amongst us for +extraordinary perfection in himself, and heartily pleased, and was +pleased, all the while he stayed. His company left us all in good +humour, and we were not such fools as to let it sink before we +confirmed it by great cheerfulness and openness in our carriage the +whole evening. + + + +XVII.--LOVE THAT WILL LIVE. + + From my own Apartment, December 7. + +My brother Tranquillus being gone out of town for some days, my +sister Jenny sent me word she would come and dine with me, and +therefore desired me to have no other company. I took care +accordingly, and was not a little pleased to see her enter the room +with a decent and matron-like behaviour, which I thought very much +became her. I saw she had a great deal to say to me, and easily +discovered in her eyes, and the air of her countenance, that she had +abundance of satisfaction in her heart, which she longed to +communicate. However, I was resolved to let her break into her +discourse her own way, and reduced her to a thousand little devices +and intimations to bring me to the mention of her husband. But, +finding I was resolved not to name him, she began of her own accord. +"My husband," said she, "gives his humble service to you;" to which +I only answered, "I hope he is well;" and, without waiting for a +reply, fell into other subjects. She at last was out of all +patience, and said, with a smile and manner that I thought had more +beauty and spirit than I had ever observed before in her, "I did not +think, brother, you had been so ill-natured. You have seen, ever +since I came in, that I had a mind to talk of my husband, and you +will not be so kind as to give me an occasion."--"I did not know," +said I, "but it might be a disagreeable subject to you. You do not +take me for so old-fashioned a fellow as to think of entertaining a +young lady with the discourse of her husband. I know nothing is +more acceptable than to speak of one who is to be so; but to speak +of one who is so! indeed, Jenny, I am a better bred man than you +think me." She showed a little dislike at my raillery, and by her +bridling up, I perceived she expected to be treated hereafter not as +Jenny Distaff, but Mrs. Tranquillus. I was very well pleased with +this change in her humour; and, upon talking with her on several +subjects, I could not but fancy that I saw a great deal of her +husband's way and manner in her remarks, her phrases, the tone of +her voice, and the very air of her countenance. This gave me an +unspeakable satisfaction, not only because I had found her a husband +from whom she could learn many things that were laudable, but also +because I looked upon her imitation of him as an infallible sign +that she entirely loved him. This is an observation that I never +knew fail, though I do not remember that any other has made it. The +natural shyness of her sex hindered her from telling me the +greatness of her own passion; but I easily collected it from the +representation she gave me of his. "I have everything," says she, +"in Tranquillus that I can wish for; and enjoy in him, what indeed +you have told me were to be met with in a good husband, the fondness +of a lover, the tenderness of a parent, and the intimacy of a +friend." It transported me to see her eyes swimming in tears of +affection when she spoke. "And is there not, dear sister," said I, +"more pleasure in the possession of such a man than in all the +little impertinences of balls, assemblies, and equipage, which it +cost me so much pains to make you contemn?" She answered, smiling, +"Tranquillus has made me a sincere convert in a few weeks, though I +am afraid you could not have done it in your whole life. To tell +you truly, I have only one fear hanging upon me, which is apt to +give me trouble in the midst of all my satisfactions: I am afraid, +you must know, that I shall not always make the same amiable +appearance in his eye that I do at present. You know, brother +Bickerstaff, that you have the reputation of a conjurer; and if you +have any one secret in your art to make your sister always +beautiful, I should be happier than if I were mistress of all the +worlds you have shown me in a starry night." "Jenny," said I, +"without having recourse to magic, I shall give you one plain rule +that will not fail of making you always amiable to a man who has so +great a passion for you, and is of so equal and reasonable a temper, +as Tranquillus. Endeavour to please, and you must please; be always +in the same disposition as you are when you ask for this secret, and +you may take my word you will never want it. An inviolable +fidelity, good-humour, and complacency of temper outlive all the +charms of a fine face, and make the decays of it invisible." + +We discoursed very long upon this head, which was equally agreeable +to us both; for I must confess, as I tenderly love her, I take as +much pleasure in giving her instructions for her welfare as she +herself does in receiving them. I proceeded, therefore, to +inculcate these sentiments by relating a very particular passage +that happened within my own knowledge. + +There were several of us making merry at a friend's house in a +country village, when the sexton of the parish church entered the +room in a sort of surprise, and told us "that, as he was digging a +grave in the chancel, a little blow of his pick-axe opened a decayed +coffin, in which there were several written papers." Our curiosity +was immediately raised, so that we went to the place where the +sexton had been at work, and found a great concourse of people about +the grave. Among the rest there was an old woman, who told us the +person buried there was a lady whose name I did not think fit to +mention, though there is nothing in the story but what tends very +much to her honour. This lady lived several years an exemplary +pattern of conjugal love, and, dying soon after her husband, who +every way answered her character in virtue and affection, made it +her death-bed request, "that all the letters which she had received +from him both before and after her marriage should be buried in the +coffin with her." These I found, upon examination, were the papers +before us. Several of them had suffered so much by time that I +could only pick out a few words; as my soul! lilies! roses! dearest +angel! and the like. One of them, which was legible throughout, ran +thus: + +"MADAM, + "If you would know the greatness of my love, consider that of +your own beauty. That blooming countenance, that snowy bosom, that +graceful person return every moment to my imagination; the +brightness of your eyes hath hindered me from closing mine since I +last saw you. You may still add to your beauties by a smile. A +frown will make me the most wretched of men, as I am the most +passionate of lovers." + +It filled the whole company with a deep melancholy to compare the +description of the letter with the person that occasioned it, who +was now reduced to a few crumbling bones and a little mouldering +heap of earth. With much ado I deciphered another letter, which +began with, "My dear, dear wife." This gave me a curiosity to see +how the style of one written in marriage differed from one written +in courtship. To my surprise, I found the fondness rather augmented +than lessened, though the panegyric turned upon a different +accomplishment. The words were as follows: + + "Before this short absence from you, I did not know that I +loved you so much as I really do; though, at the same time, I +thought I loved you as much as possible. I am under great +apprehensions lest you should have any uneasiness whilst I am +defrauded of my share in it, and cannot think of tasting any +pleasures that you do not partake with me. Pray, my dear, be +careful of your health, if for no other reason but because you know +I could not outlive you. It is natural in absence to make +professions of an inviolable constancy; but towards so much merit it +is scarce a virtue, especially when it is but a bare return to that +of which you have given me such continued proofs ever since our +first acquaintance. I am," etc. + +It happened that the daughter of these two excellent persons was by +when I was reading this letter. At the sight of the coffin, in +which was the body of her mother near that of her father, she melted +into a flood of tears. As I had heard a great character of her +virtue, and observed in her this instance of filial piety, I could +not resist my natural inclination of giving advice to young people, +and therefore addressed myself to her. "Young lady," said I, "you +see how short is the possession of that beauty in which nature has +been so liberal to you. You find the melancholy sight before you is +a contradiction to the first letter that you heard on that subject; +whereas you may observe, the second letter, which celebrates your +mother's constancy, is itself, being found in this place, an +argument of it. But, madam, I ought to caution you not to think the +bodies that lie before you your father and your mother. Know, their +constancy is rewarded by a nobler union than by this mingling of +their ashes, in a state where there is no danger or possibility of a +second separation." + + + +XXVI.--MR. BICKERSTAFF'S NEPHEWS. + + From my own Apartment, June 16. + +The vigilance, the anxiety, the tenderness, which I have for the +good people of England, I am persuaded, will in time be much +commended; but I doubt whether they will be ever rewarded. However, +I must go on cheerfully in my work of reformation: that being my +great design, I am studious to prevent my labours increasing upon +me; therefore am particularly observant of the temper and +inclinations of childhood and youth, that we may not give vice and +folly supplies from the growing generation. It is hardly to be +imagined how useful this study is, and what great evils or benefits +arise from putting us in our tender years to what we are fit or +unfit; therefore on Tuesday last, with a design to sound their +inclinations, I took three lads, who are under my guardianship, +a-rambling, in a hackney-coach, to show them the town; as the lions, +the tombs, Bedlam, and the other places which are entertainments to +raw minds because they strike forcibly on the fancy. The boys are +brothers, one of sixteen, the other of fourteen, the other of +twelve. The first was his father's darling, the second his +mother's, and the third is mine, who am their uncle. Mr. William is +a lad of true genius; but, being at the upper end of a great school, +and having all the boys below him, his arrogance is insupportable. +If I begin to show a little of my Latin, he immediately interrupts: +"Uncle, under favour, that which you say is not understood in that +manner." "Brother," says my boy Jack, "you do not show your manners +much in contradicting my uncle Isaac!" "You queer cur," says Mr. +William, "do you think my uncle takes any notice of such a dull +rogue as you are?" Mr. William goes on, "He is the most stupid of +all my mother's children; he knows nothing of his book; when he +should mind that, he is hiding or hoarding his taws and marbles, or +laying up farthings. His way of thinking is, four-and-twenty +farthings make sixpence, and two sixpences a shilling; two shillings +and sixpence half a crown, and two half crowns five shillings. So +within these two months the close hunks has scraped up twenty +shillings, and we will make him spend it all before he comes home." +Jack immediately claps his hands into both pockets, and turns as +pale as ashes. There is nothing touches a parent, and such I am to +Jack, so nearly as a provident conduct. This lad has in him the +true temper for a good husband, a kind father, and an honest +executor. All the great people you see make considerable figures on +the exchange, in court, and sometimes in senates, are such as in +reality have no greater faculty than what may be called human +instinct, which is a natural tendency to their own preservation, and +that of their friends, without being capable of striking out of the +road for adventures. There is Sir William Scrip was of this sort of +capacity from his childhood; he has brought the country round him, +and makes a bargain better than Sir Harry Wildfire, with all his wit +and humour. Sir Harry never wants money but he comes to Scrip, +laughs at him half an hour, and then gives bond for the other +thousand. The close men are incapable of placing merit anywhere but +in their pence, and therefore gain it; while others, who have larger +capacities, are diverted from the pursuit by enjoyments which can be +supported only by that cash which they despise; and therefore are in +the end slaves to their inferiors both in fortune and understanding. +I once heard a man of excellent sense observe, that more affairs in +the world failed by being in the hands of men of too large +capacities for their business, than by being in the conduct of such +as wanted abilities to execute them. Jack, therefore, being of a +plodding make, shall be a citizen: and I design him to be the +refuge of the family in their distress, as well as their jest in +prosperity. His brother Will shall go to Oxford with all speed, +where, if he does not arrive at being a man of sense, he will soon +be informed wherein he is a coxcomb. There is in that place such a +true spirit of raillery and humour, that if they cannot make you a +wise man, they will certainly let you know you are a fool; which is +all my cousin wants, to cease to be so. Thus having taken these two +out of the way, I have leisure to look at my third lad. I observe +in the young rogue a natural subtlety of mind, which discovers +itself rather in forbearing to declare his thoughts on any occasion, +than in any visible way of exerting himself in discourse. For which +reason I will place him where, if he commits no faults, he may go +further than those in other stations, though they excel in virtues. +The boy is well fashioned, and will easily fall into a graceful +manner; wherefore I have a design to make him a page to a great lady +of my acquaintance; by which means he will be well skilled in the +common modes of life, and make a greater progress in the world by +that knowledge than with the greatest qualities without it. A good +mien in a court will carry a man greater lengths than a good +understanding in any other place. We see a world of pains taken, +and the best years of life spent in collecting a set of thoughts in +a college for the conduct of life, and, after all the man so +qualified shall hesitate in his speech to a good suit of clothes, +and want common sense before an agreeable woman. Hence it is that +wisdom, valour, justice, and learning cannot keep a man in +countenance that is possessed of these excellences, if he wants that +inferior art of life and behaviour called good breeding. A man +endowed with great perfections, without this, is like one who has +his pockets full of gold but always wants change for his ordinary +occasions. + +Will Courtly is a living instance of this truth, and has had the +same education which I am giving my nephew. He never spoke a thing +but what was said before, and yet can converse with the wittiest men +without being ridiculous. Among the learned, he does not appear +ignorant; nor with the wise, indiscreet. Living in conversation +from his infancy makes him nowhere at a loss; and a long familiarity +with the persons of men is, in a manner, of the same service to him +as if he knew their arts. As ceremony is the invention of wise men +to keep fools at a distance, so good breeding is an expedient to +make fools and wise men equals. + +My three nephews, whom, in June last twelve-month, I disposed of +according to their several capacities and inclinations; the first to +the university, the second to a merchant, and the third to a woman +of quality as her page, by my invitation dined with me to-day. It +is my custom often, when I have a mind to give myself a more than +ordinary cheerfulness, to invite a certain young gentlewoman of our +neighbourhood to make one of the company. She did me that favour +this day. The presence of a beautiful woman of honour, to minds +which are not trivially disposed, displays an alacrity which is not +to be communicated by any other object. It was not unpleasant to +me, to look into her thoughts of the company she was in. She smiled +at the party of pleasure I had thought of for her, which was +composed of an old man and three boys. My scholar, my citizen, and +myself, were very soon neglected; and the young courtier, by the bow +he made to her at her entrance, engaged her observation without a +rival. I observed the Oxonian not a little discomposed at this +preference, while the trader kept his eye upon his uncle. My nephew +Will had a thousand secret resolutions to break in upon the +discourse of his younger brother, who gave my fair companion a full +account of the fashion, and what was reckoned most becoming to this +complexion, and what sort of habit appeared best upon the other +shape. He proceeded to acquaint her, who of quality was well or +sick within the bills of mortality, and named very familiarly all +his lady's acquaintance, not forgetting her very words when he spoke +of their characters. Besides all this he had a load of flattery; +and upon her inquiring what sort of woman Lady Lovely was in her +person, "Really, madam," says the jackanapes, "she is exactly of +your height and shape; but as you are fair, she is a brown woman." +There was no enduring that this fop should outshine us all at this +unmerciful rate; therefore I thought fit to talk to my young scholar +concerning his studies; and, because I would throw his learning into +present service, I desired him to repeat to me the translation he +had made of some tender verses in Theocritus. He did so, with an +air of elegance peculiar to the college to which I sent him. I made +some exceptions to the turn of the phrases; which he defended with +much modesty, as believing in that place the matter was rather to +consult the softness of a swain's passion than the strength of his +expressions. It soon appeared that Will had outstripped his brother +in the opinion of our young lady. A little poetry, to one who is +bred a scholar, has the same effect that a good carriage of his +person has on one who is to live in courts. The favour of women is +so natural a passion, that I envied both the boys their success in +the approbation of my guest; and I thought the only person +invulnerable was my young trader. During the whole meal, I could +observe in the children a mutual contempt and scorn of each other, +arising from their different way of life and education, and took +that occasion to advertise them of such growing distastes, which +might mislead them in their future life, and disappoint their +friends, as well as themselves, of the advantages which might be +expected from the diversity of their professions and interests. + +The prejudices which are growing up between these brothers from the +different ways of education are what create the most fatal +misunderstandings in life. But all distinctions of disparagement, +merely from our circumstances, are such as will not bear the +examination of reason. The courtier, the trader, and the scholar, +should all have an equal pretension to the denomination of a +gentleman. That tradesman who deals with me in a commodity which I +do not understand, with uprightness, has much more right to that +character than the courtier who gives me false hopes, or the scholar +who laughs at my ignorance. + +The appellation of gentleman is never to be affixed to a man's +circumstances, but to his behaviour in them. For this reason I +shall ever, as far as I am able, give my nephews such impressions as +shall make them value themselves rather as they are useful to +others, than as they are conscious of merit in themselves. There +are no qualities for which we ought to pretend to the esteem of +others but such as render us serviceable to them: for "free men +have no superiors but benefactors." + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele + |