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diff --git a/2644.txt b/2644.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2963f7c --- /dev/null +++ b/2644.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4607 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Isaac Bickerstaff + +Author: Richard Steele + +Commentator: Henry Morley + +Posting Date: December 22, 2008 [EBook #2644] +Release Date: May, 2001 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ISAAC BICKERSTAFF *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler + + + + + +ISAAC BICKERSTAFF + +PHYSICIAN AND ASTROLOGER + + +By Richard Steele. + +Papers from Steele's "Tatler." + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +By Henry Morley + + +Of the relations between Steele and Addison, and the origin of Steele's +"Tatler," which was developed afterwards into the "Spectator," account +has already been given in the introduction to a volume of this Library, +* containing essays from the "Spectator"--"Sir Roger de Coverley and +the Spectator Club." There had been a centre of life in the "Tatler," +designed, as Sir Roger and his friends were designed, to carry the human +interest of a distinct personality through the whole series of papers. +The "Tatler's" personality was Isaac Bickerstaff, Physician and +Astrologer; as to years, just over the grand climacteric, sixty-three, +mystical multiple of nine and seven; dispensing counsel from his +lodgings at Shire Lane, and seeking occasional rest in the vacuity of +thought proper to his club at the "Trumpet." + +The name of Isaac Bickerstaff Steele borrowed from his friend Swift, +who, just before the establishment of the "Tatler," had borrowed it +from a shoemaker's shop-board, and used it as the name of an imagined +astrologer, who should be an astrologer indeed, and should attack +John Partridge, the chief of the astrological almanack makers, with a +definite prediction of the day and hour of his death. This he did in +a pamphlet that brought up to the war against one stronghold of +superstition an effective battery of satire. The pamphlet itself has +been given in our volume of "The Battle of the Books, and other short +pieces, by Jonathan Swift." * The joke once set rolling was kept up in +other playful little pamphlets written to announce the fulfilment of the +prophecy, and to explain to Partridge that, whether he knew it or not, +he was dead. This joke was running through the town when Steele began +his "Tatler" on the 12th of April, 1709. Steele kept it going, and, in +doing so, wrote once or twice in the character of Bickerstaff. Then he +proceeded to develop the astrologer into a central character, who should +give life and unity to his whole series of essays. + +They were published for a penny a number, at the rate of three numbers +a week. Steele, for his threepence a week, sought to give wholesome +pleasure while good-humouredly helping men to rise above the vices and +the follies of their time. Evil ways of the court of Charles the Second +still survived in empty tradition. The young man thought it polite to +set up for an atheist, said Steele, though it could be proved on him +that every night he said his prayers. It was fashionable to speak +frivolously of women, and affect contempt of marriage, though the +English were, and are, of all men the most domestic. Steele made it a +part of his duty to break this evil custom, to uphold the true honour +of womanhood, and assert the sacredness of home. The two papers in this +collection, called "Happy Marriage" and "A Wife Dead," are beautiful +examples of his work in this direction. He attacked the false notions +of honour that kept duelling in fashion. Steele could put his heart +into the direct telling of a tale of human love or sorrow, and in that +respect was unapproached by Addison; but he was surpassed by Addison +in a subtle delicacy of touch, in the fine humour with which he played +about the whims and weaknesses of men. The tenth paper in this volume, +"A Business Meeting," is a good example of what Addison could do in that +way. + +Of the papers in this volume, the first was sent to Steele by the +post, and--Steele wrote in the original Preface to the completed +"Tatler"--"written, as I since understand, by Mr. Twisdon, who died at +the battle of Mons, and has a monument in Westminster Abbey, suitable to +the respect which is due to his wit and valour." The other papers were +all written by Steele, with these exceptions:--No. V., "Marriage of +Sister Jenny," and No. VII., "The Dream of Fame," were described by +Steele, in a list given to Tickell, as written by himself and Addison +together. No. XIV., "The Wife Dead," is Steele's, with some passages to +which Addison contributed. No. XIII., "Dead Folks," was, the first part, +by Addison; the second part, beginning "From my own Apartment, November +25," by Steele; Addison wrote No. X., "A Business Meeting," No. XVI., "A +very Pretty Poet," and No. XX., "False Doctoring." Addison joined Steele +in the record of cases before "Bickerstaff, Censor," No. XVIII. Of the +twenty-six sections in this volume, therefore, three are by Addison +alone; one is in two parts, written severally by Addison and Steele; +four are by Addison and Steele working in friendly fellowship, and +without trace of their separate shares in the work; eighteen are by +Steele alone. + + * Cassell's National Library. + + + + + +ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, PHYSICIAN AND ASTROLOGER. + + + + +I.--THE STAFFIAN RACE. + + +From my own Apartment, May, 4, 1709. + +Of all the vanities under the sun, I confess that of being proud +of one's birth is the greatest. At the same time, since in this +unreasonable age, by the force of prevailing custom, things in which men +have no hand are imputed to them; and that I am used by some people as +if Isaac Bickerstaff, though I write myself Esquire, was nobody: to set +the world right in that particular, I shall give you my genealogy, as a +kinsman of ours has sent it me from the Heralds' Office. It is certain, +and observed by the wisest writers, that there are women who are not +nicely chaste, and men not severely honest, in all families; therefore +let those who may be apt to raise aspersions upon ours please to give +us as impartial an account of their own, and we shall be satisfied. +The business of heralds is a matter of so great nicety that, to avoid +mistakes, I shall give you my cousin's letter, verbatim, without +altering a syllable. + + +"DEAR COUSIN, + +"Since you have been pleased to make yourself so famous of late by your +ingenious writings, and some time ago by your learned predictions; since +Partridge, of immortal memory, is dead and gone, who, poetical as he +was, could not understand his own poetry; and, philomathical as he was, +could not read his own destiny; since the Pope, the King of France, and +great part of his court, are either literally or metaphorically defunct: +since, I say, these things not foretold by any one but yourself have +come to pass after so surprising a manner: it is with no small concern I +see the original of the Staffian race so little known in the world as it +is at this time; for which reason, as you have employed your studies in +astronomy and the occult sciences, so I, my mother being a Welsh woman, +dedicated mine to genealogy, particularly that of our family, which, for +its antiquity and number, may challenge any in Great Britain. The Staffs +are originally of Staffordshire, which took its name from them; the +first that I find of the Staffs was one Jacobstaff, a famous and +renowned astronomer, who, by Dorothy his wife, had issue seven +sons--viz., Bickerstaff, Longstaff, Wagstaff, Quarterstaff, Whitestaff, +Falstaff, and Tipstaff. He also had a younger brother, who was twice +married, and had five sons--viz., Distaff, Pikestaff, Mopstaff, +Broomstaff, and Raggedstaff. As for the branch from whence you spring, +I shall say very little of it, only that it is the chief of the Staffs, +and called Bickerstaff, quasi Biggerstaff; as much as to say, the Great +Staff, or Staff of Staffs; and that it has applied itself to Astronomy +with great success, after the example of our aforesaid forefather. The +descendants from Longstaff, the second son, were a rakish, disorderly +sort of people, and rambled from one place to another, till, in the time +of Harry the Second, they settled in Kent, and were called Long-Tails, +from the long tails which were sent them as a punishment for the murder +of Thomas-a-Becket, as the legends say. They have been always sought +after by the ladies, but whether it be to show their aversion to popery, +or their love to miracles, I cannot say. The Wagstaffs are a merry, +thoughtless sort of people, who have always been opinionated of their +own wit; they have turned themselves mostly to poetry. This is the most +numerous branch of our family, and the poorest. The Quarterstaffs are +most of them prize-fighters or deer-stealers; there have been so many of +them hanged lately that there are very few of that branch of our family +left. The Whitestaffs are all courtiers, and have had very considerable +places. There have been some of them of that strength and dexterity that +five hundred of the ablest men in the kingdom have often tugged in vain +to pull a staff out of their hands. The Falstaffs are strangely given to +drinking: there are abundance of them in and about London. And one thing +is very remarkable of this branch, and that is, there are just as many +women as men in it. There was a wicked stick of wood of this name in +Harry the Fourth's time, one Sir John Falstaff. As for Tipstaff, the +youngest son, he was an honest fellow; but his sons, and his sons' sons, +have all of them been the veriest rogues living; it is this unlucky +branch has stocked the nation with that swarm of lawyers, attorneys, +serjeants, and bailiffs, with which the nation is overrun. Tipstaff, +being a seventh son, used to cure the king's evil; but his rascally +descendants are so far from having that healing quality that, by a touch +upon the shoulder, they give a man such an ill habit of body that he +can never come abroad afterwards. This is all I know of the line of +Jacobstaff; his younger brother, Isaacstaff, as I told you before, had +five sons, and was married twice; his first wife was a Staff, for they +did not stand upon false heraldry in those days, by whom he had one +son, who, in process of time, being a schoolmaster and well read in the +Greek, called himself Distaff or Twicestaff. He was not very rich, so +he put his children out to trades, and the Distaffs have ever since been +employed in the woollen and linen manufactures, except myself, who am a +genealogist. Pikestaff, the eldest son by the second venter, was a man +of business, a downright plodding fellow, and withal so plain, that +he became a proverb. Most of this family are at present in the army. +Raggedstaff was an unlucky boy, and used to tear his clothes in getting +birds' nests, and was always playing with a tame bear his father kept. +Mopstaff fell in love with one of his father's maids, and used to help +her to clean the house. Broomstaff was a chimney-sweeper. The Mopstaffs +and Broomstaffs are naturally as civil people as ever went out of doors; +but, alas! if they once get into ill hands, they knock down all before +them. Pilgrimstaff ran away from his friends, and went strolling +about the country; and Pipestaff was a wine-cooper. These two were the +unlawful issue of Longstaff. + +"N.B.--The Canes, the Clubs, the Cudgels, the Wands, the Devil upon two +Sticks, and one Bread, that goes by the name of Staff of Life, are none +of our relations. I am, dear Cousin, + +"Your humble servant, + +"D. DISTAFF. + +"From the Heralds' Office, + +"May 1, 1709." + + + + +II.--PACOLET. + + +From my own Apartment, May 8. + +Much hurry and business have to-day perplexed me into a mood too +thoughtful for going into company; for which reason, instead of the +tavern, I went into Lincoln's Inn walks; and having taken a round or +two, I sat down, according to the allowed familiarity of these places, +on a bench; at the other end of which sat a venerable gentleman, who, +speaking with a very affable air, "Mr. Bickerstaff," said he, "I take +it for a very great piece of good fortune that you have found me out." +"Sir," said I, "I had never, that I know of, the honour of seeing you +before." "That," replied he, "is what I have often lamented; but, I +assure you, I have for many years done you good offices, without being +observed by you; or else, when you had any little glimpse of my being +concerned in an affair, you have fled from me, and shunned me like an +enemy; but, however, the part I am to act in the world is such that I am +to go on in doing good, though I meet with never so many repulses, even +from those I oblige." This, thought I, shows a great good nature, but +little judgment, in the persons upon whom he confers his favours. He +immediately took notice to me that he observed, by my countenance, I +thought him indiscreet in his beneficence, and proceeded to tell me +his quality in the following manner: "I know thee, Isaac, to be so well +versed in the occult sciences that I need not much preface, or make +long preparations, to gain your faith that there are airy beings who are +employed in the care and attendance of men, as nurses are to infants, +till they come to an age in which they can act of themselves. These +beings are usually called amongst men guardian angels; and, Mr. +Bickerstaff, I am to acquaint you that I am to be yours for some time +to come; it being our orders to vary our stations, and sometimes to have +one patient under our protection, and sometimes another, with a power of +assuming what shape we please, to ensnare our wards into their own good. +I have of late been upon such hard duty, and know you have so much work +for me, that I think fit to appear to you face to face, to desire you +will give me as little occasion for vigilance as you can." "Sir," said +I, "it will be a great instruction to me in my behaviour if you please +to give me some account of your late employments, and what hardships +or satisfactions you have had in them, that I may govern myself +accordingly." He answered, "To give you an example of the drudgery we go +through, I will entertain you only with my three last stations. I was on +the first of April last put to mortify a great beauty, with whom I was +a week; from her I went to a common swearer, and have been last with +a gamester. When I first came to my lady, I found my great work was to +guard well her eyes and ears; but her flatterers were so numerous, and +the house, after the modern way, so full of looking-glasses, that I +seldom had her safe but in her sleep. Whenever we went abroad, we were +surrounded by an army of enemies; when a well-made man appeared, he was +sure to have a side-glance of observation; if a disagreeable fellow, he +had a full face, out of more inclination to conquests; but at the close +of the evening, on the sixth of the last month, my ward was sitting on a +couch, reading Ovid's epistles; and as she came to this line of Helen to +Paris, + + 'She half consents who silently denies,' + +entered Philander, who is the most skilful of all men in an address to +women. He is arrived at the perfection of that art which gains them; +which is, 'to talk like a very miserable man, but look like a very happy +one.' I saw Dictinna blush at his entrance, which gave me the alarm; but +he immediately said something so agreeable on her being at study, and +the novelty of finding a lady employed in so grave a manner, that he +on a sudden became very familiarly a man of no consequence, and in an +instant laid all her suspicions of his skill asleep, as he had almost +done mine, till I observed him very dangerously turn his discourse upon +the elegance of her dress, and her judgment in the choice of that very +pretty mourning. Having had women before under my care, I trembled at +the apprehension of a man of sense who could talk upon trifles, and +resolved to stick to my post with all the circumspection imaginable. In +short, I prepossessed her against all he could say to the advantage of +her dress and person; but he turned again the discourse, where I found +I had no power over her, on the abusing her friends and acquaintance. +He allowed, indeed, that Flora had a little beauty, and a great deal of +wit; but then she was so ungainly in her behaviour, and such a laughing +hoyden! Pastorella had with him the allowance of being blameless; but +what was that towards being praiseworthy? To be only innocent is not to +be virtuous! He afterwards spoke so much against Mrs. Dipple's forehead, +Mrs. Prim's mouth, Mrs. Dentifrice's teeth, and Mrs. Fidget's cheeks +that she grew downright in love with him; for it is always to be +understood that a lady takes all you detract from the rest of her sex +to be a gift to her. In a word, things went so far that I was dismissed. +The next, as I said, I went to was a common swearer. Never was a +creature so puzzled as myself when I came first to view his brain; half +of it was worn out, and filled up with mere expletives that had nothing +to do with any other parts of the texture; therefore, when he called for +his clothes in a morning, he would cry, 'John!' John does not answer. +'What a plague! nobody there? What the devil, and rot me, John, for a +lazy dog as you are!' I knew no way to cure him but by writing down all +he said one morning as he was dressing, and laying it before him on the +toilet when he came to pick his teeth. The last recital I gave him of +what he said for half an hour before was, 'What, the devil! where is +the washball? call the chairmen! d--n them, I warrant they are at the +alehouse already! zounds! and confound them!' When he came to the glass +he takes up my note--'Ha! this fellow is worse than me: what, does he +swear with pen and ink?' But, reading on, he found them to be his +own words. The stratagem had so good an effect upon him that he grew +immediately a new man, and is learning to speak without an oath; which +makes him extremely short in his phrases; for, as I observed before, +a common swearer has a brain without any idea on the swearing side; +therefore my ward has yet mighty little to say, and is forced to +substitute some other vehicle of nonsense to supply the defect of his +usual expletives. When I left him, he made use of 'Odsbodikins! Oh +me! and Never stir alive!' and so forth; which gave me hopes of his +recovery. So I went to the next I told you of, the gamester. When we +first take our place about a man, the receptacles of the pericranium are +immediately searched. In his I found no one ordinary trace of thinking; +but strong passion, violent desires, and a continued series of different +changes had torn it to pieces. There appeared no middle condition; +the triumph of a prince, or the misery of a beggar, were his alternate +states. I was with him no longer than one day, which was yesterday. In +the morning at twelve we were worth four thousand pounds; at three, we +were arrived at six thousand; half an hour after, we were reduced to one +thousand; at four of the clock, we were down to two hundred; at five, +to fifty; at six, to five; at seven, to one guinea; the next bet to +nothing. This morning he borrowed half a crown of the maid who cleans +his shoes, and is now gaming in Lincoln's Inn Fields among the boys for +farthings and oranges, till he has made up three pieces, and then he +returns to White's into the best company in town." + +Thus ended our first discourse; and it is hoped that you will forgive me +that I have picked so little out of my companion at our first interview. +In the next it is possible he may tell me more pleasing incidents; for +though he is a familiar, he is not an evil, spirit. + + + + +III.--PACOLET'S STORY. + + +From my own Apartment, May 12. + +I have taken a resolution hereafter, on any want of intelligence, to +carry my Familiar abroad with me, who has promised to give me very +proper and just notices of persons and things, to make up the history of +the passing day. He is wonderfully skilful in the knowledge of men and +manners, which has made me more than ordinarily curious to know how +he came to that perfection, and I communicated to him that doubt. "Mr. +Pacolet," said I, "I am mightily surprised to see you so good a judge of +our nature and circumstances, since you are a mere spirit, and have +no knowledge of the bodily part of us." He answered, smiling, "You are +mistaken; I have been one of you, and lived a month amongst you, which +gives me an exact sense of your condition. You are to know that all who +enter into human life have a certain date or stamen given to their being +which they only who die of age may be said to have arrived at; but it is +ordered sometimes by fate, that such as die infants are, after death, +to attend mankind to the end of that stamen of being in themselves +which was broken off by sickness or any other disaster. These are proper +guardians to men, as being sensible of the infirmity of their State. +You are philosopher enough to know that the difference of men's +understandings proceeds only from the various dispositions of their +organs; so that he who dies at a month old is in the next life as +knowing, though more innocent, as they who live to fifty; and after +death they have as perfect a memory and judgment of all that passed +in their lifetime as I have of all the revolutions in that uneasy, +turbulent condition of yours; and you would say I had enough of it in a +month were I to tell you all my misfortunes." "A life of a month cannot +have, one would think, much variety. But pray," said I, "let us have +your story." + +Then he proceeds in the following manner:-- + +"It was one of the most wealthy families in Great Britain into which I +was born, and it was a very great happiness to me that it so happened, +otherwise I had still, in all probability, been living; but I shall +recount to you all the occurrences of my short and miserable existence, +just as, by examining into the traces made in my brain, they appeared to +me at that time. The first thing that ever struck my senses was a noise +over my head of one shrieking; after which, methought, I took a full +jump, and found myself in the hands of a sorceress, who seemed as if she +had been long waking and employed in some incantation: I was thoroughly +frightened, and cried out; but she immediately seemed to go on in some +magical operation, and anointed me from head to foot. What they meant +I could not imagine; for there gathered a great crowd about me, crying, +'An heir! an heir!' upon which I grew a little still, and believed this +was a ceremony to be used only to great persons, and such as made them, +what they called Heirs. I lay very quiet; but the witch, for no manner +of reason or provocation in the world, takes me, and binds my head as +hard as possibly she could; then ties up both my legs, and makes me +swallow down a horrid mixture. I thought it a harsh entrance into life, +to begin with taking physic; but I was forced to it, or else must have +taken down a great instrument in which she gave it me. When I was thus +dressed, I was carried to a bedside, where a fine young lady, my mother +I wot, had like to have hugged me to death. From her they faced me +about, and there was a thing with quite another look from the rest +of the room, to whom they talked about my nose. He seemed wonderfully +pleased to see me; but I knew since, my nose belonged to another family. +That into which I was born is one of the most numerous amongst you; +therefore crowds of relations came every day to congratulate my arrival; +among others my cousin Betty, the greatest romp in nature; she whisks +me such a height over her head that I cried out for fear of falling. +She pinched me, and called me squealing chit, and threw me into a +girl's arms that was taken in to tend me. The girl was very proud of the +womanly employment of a nurse, and took upon her to strip and dress me +a-new, because I made a noise, to see what ailed me; she did so, and +stuck a pin in every joint about me. I still cried; upon which she lays +me on my face in her lap; and, to quiet me, fell a-nailing in all the +pins by clapping me on the back and screaming a lullaby. But my pain +made me exalt my voice above hers, which brought up the nurse, the witch +I first saw, and my grandmother. The girl is turned downstairs, and I +stripped again, as well to find what ailed me as to satisfy my grandam's +farther curiosity. This good old woman's visit was the cause of all my +troubles. You are to understand that I was hitherto bred by hand, and +anybody that stood next gave me pap, if I did but open my lips; insomuch +that I was grown so cunning as to pretend myself asleep when I was not, +to prevent my being crammed. But my grandmother began a loud lecture +upon the idleness of the wives of this age, who, for fear of their +shape, forbear suckling their own offspring; and ten nurses were +immediately sent for; one was whispered to have a wanton eye, and would +soon spoil her milk; another was in a consumption; the third had an +ill voice, and would frighten me instead of lulling me to sleep. Such +exceptions were made against all but one country milch-wench, to whom I +was committed, and put to the breast. This careless jade was eternally +romping with the footman and downright starved me; insomuch that I daily +pined away, and should never have been relieved had it not been that, +on the thirtieth day of my life, a Fellow of the Royal Society, who had +writ upon Cold Baths, came to visit me, and solemnly protested I was +utterly lost for want of that method; upon which he soused me head and +ears into a pail of water, where I had the good fortune to be drowned; +and so escaped being lashed into a linguist till sixteen, and being +married to an ill-natured wife till sixty, which had certainly been my +fate had not the enchantment between body and soul been broken by this +philosopher. Thus, till the age I should have otherwise lived, I am +obliged to watch the steps of men; and, if you please, shall accompany +you in your present walk, and get you intelligence from the aerial +lackey, who is in waiting, what are the thoughts and purposes of any +whom you inquire for." + +I accepted his kind offer, and immediately took him with me in a hack to +White's. + + + ***** + + +White's Chocolate-house, May 13. + +We got in hither, and my companion threw a powder round us, that made +me as invisible as himself; so that we could see and hear all others, +ourselves unseen and unheard. + +The first thing we took notice of was a nobleman of a goodly and frank +aspect, with his generous birth and temper visible in it, playing at +cards with a creature of a black and horrid countenance, wherein were +plainly delineated the arts of his mind, cozenage, and falsehood. +They were marking their game with counters, on which we could see +inscriptions, imperceptible to any but us. My Lord had scored with +pieces of ivory, on which were writ, "Good Fame, Glory, Riches, Honour, +and Posterity!" The spectre over-against him had on his counters the +inscriptions of "Dishonour, Impudence, Poverty, Ignorance, and Want of +Shame." "Bless me!", said I; "sure, my Lord does not see what he plays +for?" "As well as I do," says Pacolet. "He despises that fellow he plays +with, and scorns himself for making him his companion." At the very +instant he was speaking, I saw the fellow who played with my Lord hide +two cards in the roll of his stocking. Pacolet immediately stole them +from thence; upon which the nobleman soon after won the game. The little +triumph he appeared in, when he got such a trifling stock of ready +money, though he had ventured so great sums with indifference, increased +my admiration. But Pacolet began to talk to me. "Mr. Isaac, this to you +looks wonderful, but not at all to us higher beings: that nobleman has +as many good qualities as any man of his order, and seems to have no +faults but what, as I may say, are excrescences from virtues. He is +generous to a prodigality, more affable than is consistent with his +quality, and courageous to a rashness. Yet, after all this, the source +of his whole conduct is, though he would hate himself if he knew it, +mere avarice. The ready cash laid before the gamester's counters makes +him venture, as you see, and lay distinction against infamy, abundance +against want; in a word, all that is desirable against all that is to +be avoided." "However," said I, "be sure you disappoint the sharpers +to-night, and steal from them all the cards they hide." Pacolet obeyed +me, and my Lord went home with their whole bank in his pocket. + + + + +IV.--RECOLLECTIONS. + +It is remarkable that I was bred by hand, and ate nothing but milk till +I was a twelvemonth old; from which time, to the eighth year of my age, +I was observed to delight in pudding and potatoes; and, indeed, I retain +a benevolence for that sort of food to this day. I do not remember that +I distinguished myself in anything at those years but by my great skill +at taw, for which I was so barbarously used that it has ever since given +me an aversion to gaming. In my twelfth year, I suffered very much for +two or three false concords. At fifteen I was sent to the university, +and stayed there for some time; but a drum passing by, being a lover +of music, I listed myself for a soldier. As years came on, I began to +examine things, and grew discontented at the times. This made me quit +the sword, and take to the study of the occult sciences, in which I was +so wrapped up that Oliver Cromwell had been buried, and taken up again, +five years before I heard he was dead. This gave me first the reputation +of a conjurer, which has been of great disadvantage to me ever since, +and kept me out of all public employments. The greater part of my later +years has been divided between Dick's coffee-house, the Trumpet in Sheer +Lane, and my own lodgings. + + + ***** + + +From my own Apartment, June 5. + +There are those among mankind who can enjoy no relish of their being +except the world is made acquainted with all that relates to them, and +think everything lost that passes unobserved; but others find a solid +delight in stealing by the crowd, and modelling their life after such +a manner as is as much above the approbation as the practice of the +vulgar. Life being too short to give instances great enough of true +friendship or good-will, some sages have thought it pious to preserve +a certain reverence for the Manes of their deceased friends; and have +withdrawn themselves from the rest of the world at certain seasons, to +commemorate in their own thoughts such of their acquaintance who have +gone before them out of this life. And indeed, when we are advanced in +years, there is not a more pleasing entertainment than to recollect in +a gloomy moment the many we have parted with that have been dear and +agreeable to us, and to cast a melancholy thought or two after those +with whom, perhaps, we have indulged ourselves in whole nights of mirth +and jollity. With such inclinations in my heart I went to my closet +yesterday in the evening, and resolved to be sorrowful; upon which +occasion I could not but look with disdain upon myself, that though all +the reasons which I had to lament the loss of many of my friends are now +as forcible as at the moment of their departure, yet did not my heart +swell with the same sorrow which I felt at that time; but I could, +without tears, reflect upon many pleasing adventures I have had with +some, who have long been blended with common earth. Though it is by the +benefit of nature that length of time thus blots out the violence of +afflictions; yet with tempers too much given to pleasure, it is almost +necessary to revive the old places of grief in our memory; and ponder +step by step on past life, to lead the mind into that sobriety of +thought which poises the heart, and makes it beat with due time, without +being quickened with desire, or retarded with despair, from its proper +and equal motion. When we wind up a clock that is out of order, to make +it go well for the future, we do not immediately set the hand to the +present instant, but we make it strike the round of all its hours, +before it can recover the regularity of its time. Such, thought I, shall +be my method this evening; and since it is that day of the year which +I dedicate to the memory of such in another life as I much delighted in +when living, an hour or two shall be sacred to sorrow and their memory, +while I run over all the melancholy circumstances of this kind which +have occurred to me in my whole life. + +The first sense of sorrow I ever knew was upon the death of my father, +at which time I was not quite five years of age; but was rather amazed +at what all the house meant than possessed with a real understanding +why nobody was willing to play with me. I remember I went into the room +where his body lay, and my mother sat weeping alone by it. I had my +battledore in my band, and fell a-beating the coffin, and calling Papa; +for, I know not how, I had some slight idea that he was locked up there. +My mother catched me in her arms, and, transported beyond all patience +of the silent grief she was before in, she almost smothered me in her +embrace; and told me in a flood of tears, "Papa could not hear me, and +would play with me no more, for they were going to put him under ground, +whence he could never come to us again." She was a very beautiful woman, +of a noble spirit, and there was a dignity in her grief amidst all the +wildness of her transport which, methought, struck me with an instinct +of sorrow, which, before I was sensible of what it was to grieve, seized +my very soul, and has made pity the weakness of my heart ever since. +The mind in infancy is, methinks, like the body in embryo; and receives +impressions so forcible that they are as hard to be removed by reason +as any mark with which a child is born is to be taken away by any future +application. Hence it is that good-nature in me is no merit; but having +been so frequently overwhelmed with her tears before I knew the cause of +any affliction, or could draw defences from my own judgment, I imbibed +commiseration, remorse, and an unmanly gentleness of mind, which has +since ensnared me into ten thousand calamities; and from whence I can +reap no advantage, except it be that, in such a humour as I am now in, +I can the better indulge myself in the softness of humanity, and enjoy +that sweet anxiety which arises from the memory of past afflictions. + +We, that are very old, are better able to remember things which befell +us in our distant youth than the passages of later days. For this +reason it is that the companions of my strong and vigorous years present +themselves more immediately to me in this office of sorrow. Untimely or +unhappy deaths are what we are most apt to lament: so little are we +able to make it indifferent when a thing happens, though we know it must +happen. Thus we groan under life, and bewail those who are relieved +from it. Every object that returns to our imagination raises different +passions, according to the circumstance of their departure. Who can have +lived in an army, and in a serious hour reflect upon the many gay and +agreeable men that might long have flourished in the arts of peace, and +not join with the imprecations of the fatherless and widow on the tyrant +to whose ambition they fell sacrifices? But gallant men, who are cut oft +by the sword, move rather our veneration than our pity; and we gather +relief enough from their own contempt of death, to make it no evil, +which was approached with so much cheerfulness, and attended with so +much honour. But when we turn our thoughts from the great parts of life +on such occasions, and instead of lamenting those who stood ready to +give death to those from whom they had the fortune to receive it; I say, +when we let our thoughts wander from such noble objects, and consider +the havoc which is made among the tender and the innocent, pity enters +with an unmixed softness, and possesses all our souls at once. + +Here, were there words to express such sentiments with proper +tenderness, I should record the beauty, innocence, and untimely death +of the first object my eyes ever beheld with love. The beauteous virgin! +how ignorantly did she charm, how carelessly excel! Oh, Death! thou hast +right to the bold, to the ambitious, to the high, and to the haughty; +but why this cruelty to the humble, to the meek, to the undiscerning, to +the thoughtless? Nor age, nor business, nor distress can erase the dear +image from my imagination. In the same week, I saw her dressed for a +ball, and in a shroud. How ill did the habit of death become the pretty +trifler! I still behold the smiling earth--A large train of disasters +were coming on to my memory, when my servant knocked at my closet-door, +and interrupted me with a letter, attended with a hamper of wine, of +the same sort with that which is to be put to sale on Thursday next at +Garraway's coffee-house. Upon the receipt of it I sent for three of my +friends. We are so intimate that we can be company in whatever state of +mind we meet, and can entertain each other without expecting always to +rejoice. The wine we found to be generous and warming, but with such a +heat as moved us rather to be cheerful than frolicsome. It revived the +spirits, without firing the blood. We commended it till two of the clock +this morning; and having to-day met a little before dinner, we found +that, though we drank two bottles a man, we had much more reason to +recollect than forget what had passed the night before. + + + + +V.--MARRIAGE OF SISTER JENNY. + + +From my own Apartment, September 30. + +I am called off from public dissertations by a domestic affair of great +importance, which is no less than the disposal of my sister Jenny for +life. The girl is a girl of great merit and pleasing conversation: but +I being born of my father's first wife, and she of his third, she +converses with me rather like a daughter than a sister. I have indeed +told her that if she kept her honour, and behaved herself in such a +manner as became the Bickerstaffs, I would get her an agreeable man for +her husband; which was a promise I made her after reading a passage in +Pliny's "Epistles." That polite author had been employed to find out a +consort for his friend's daughter, and gives the following character of +the man he had pitched upon. "Aciliano plurimum vigoris et industriae +quanquam in maxima verecundia: est illi facies liberalis, multo +sanguine, multo rubore, suffusa: est ingenua totius corporis pulchritudo +et quidam senatorius decor, quae ego nequaquam arbitror negligenda: +debet enim hoc castitati puellarum quasi praemium dari." "Acilianus," +for that was the gentleman's name, "is a man of extraordinary vigour and +industry, accompanied with the greatest modesty: he has very much of the +gentleman, with a lively colour, and flush of health in his aspect. His +whole person is finely turned, and speaks him a man of quality; which +are qualifications that, I think, ought by no means to be overlooked, +and should be bestowed on a daughter as the reward of her chastity." + +A woman that will give herself liberties need not put her parents to so +much trouble; for if she does not possess these ornaments in a husband +she can supply herself elsewhere. But this is not the case of my sister +Jenny, who, I may say without vanity, is as unspotted a spinster as any +in Great Britain. I shall take this occasion to recommend the conduct of +our own family in this particular. + +We have, in the genealogy of our house, the descriptions and pictures of +our ancestors from the time of King Arthur, in whose days there was one +of my own name, a knight of his round table, and known by the name of +Sir Isaac Bickerstaff. He was low of stature, and of a very swarthy +complexion, not unlike a Portuguese Jew. But he was more prudent than +men of that height usually are, and would often communicate to his +friends his design of lengthening and whitening his posterity. His +eldest son Ralph, for that was his name, was for this reason married to +a lady who had little else to recommend her but that she was very tall +and very fair. The issue of this match, with the help of high shoes, +made a tolerable figure in the next age, though the complexion of the +family was obscure till the fourth generation from that marriage. From +which time, till the reign of William the Conqueror, the females of our +house were famous for their needlework and fine skins. In the male line +there happened an unlucky accident in the reign of Richard III., the +eldest son of Philip, then chief of the family, being born with a +hump-back and very high nose. This was the more astonishing, because +none of his forefathers ever had such a blemish, nor indeed was there +any in the neighbourhood of that make, except the butler, who was +noted for round shoulders and a Roman nose; what made the nose the less +excusable was the remarkable smallness of his eyes. + +These several defects were mended by succeeding matches: the eyes were +open in the next generation, and the hump fell in a century and a half, +but the greatest difficulty was how to reduce the nose, which I do not +find was accomplished till about the middle of the reign of Henry VII., +or rather the beginning of that of Henry VIII. + +But while our ancestors were thus taken up in cultivating the eyes and +nose, the face of the Bickerstaffs fell down insensibly into chin, which +was not taken notice of, their thoughts being so much employed upon the +more noble features, till it became almost too long to be remedied. + +But length of time, and successive care in our alliances, have cured +this also, and reduced our faces into that tolerable oval which we enjoy +at present. I would not be tedious in this discourse, but cannot but +observe that our race suffered very much about three hundred years ago, +by the marriage of one of our heiresses with an eminent courtier, who +gave us spindle-shanks and cramps in our bones; insomuch, that we did +not recover our health and legs till Sir Walter Bickerstaff married Maud +the milkmaid, of whom the then Garter King-at-Arms, a facetious person, +said pleasantly enough, "that she had spoiled our blood, but mended our +constitutions." + +After this account of the effect our prudent choice of matches has had +upon our persons and features, I cannot but observe that there are daily +instances of as great changes made by marriage upon men's minds and +humours. One might wear any passion out of a family by culture, as +skilful gardeners blot a colour out of a tulip that hurts its beauty. +One might produce an affable temper out of a shrew, by grafting the mild +upon the choleric; or raise a jack-pudding from a prude, by inoculating +mirth and melancholy. It is for want of care in the disposing of our +children, with regard to our bodies and minds, that we go into a house +and see such different complexions and humours in the same race and +family. But to me it is as plain as a pikestaff, from what mixture it is +that this daughter silently lours, the other steals a kind look at you, +a third is exactly well behaved, a fourth a splenetic, and a fifth a +coquette. + +In this disposal of my sister, I have chosen with an eye to her being a +wit, and provided that the bridegroom be a man of a sound and excellent +judgment, who will seldom mind what she says when she begins to +harangue, for Jenny's only imperfection is an admiration of her parts, +which inclines her to be a little, but very little, sluttish; and you +are ever to remark that we are apt to cultivate most, and bring into +observation what we think most excellent in ourselves, or most capable +of improvement. Thus, my sister, instead of consulting her glass and her +toilet for an hour and a half after her private devotion, sits with her +nose full of snuff and a man's nightcap on her head, reading plays and +romances. Her wit she thinks her distinction, therefore knows nothing +of the skill of dress, or making her person agreeable. It would make you +laugh to see me often, with my spectacles on, lacing her stays, for she +is so very a wit, that she understands no ordinary thing in the world. + +For this reason I have disposed of her to a man of business, who will +soon let her see that to be well dressed, in good humour, and cheerful +in the command of her family, are the arts and sciences of female life. +I could have bestowed her upon a fine gentleman, who extremely admired +her wit, and would have given her a coach and six, but I found it +absolutely necessary to cross the strain; for had they met, they had +entirely been rivals in discourse, and in continual contention for the +superiority of understanding, and brought forth critics, pedants, +or pretty good poets. As it is, I expect an offspring fit for the +habitation of the city, town or country; creatures that are docile and +tractable in whatever we put them to. + +To convince men of the necessity of taking this method, let any one even +below the skill of an astrologer, behold the turn of faces he meets as +soon as he passes Cheapside Conduit, and you see a deep attention and a +certain unthinking sharpness in every countenance. They look attentive, +but their thoughts are engaged on mean purposes. To me it is very +apparent, when I see a citizen pass by, whether his head is upon +woollen, silks, iron, sugar, indigo, or stocks. Now this trace of +thought appears or lies hid in the race for two or three generations. + +I know at this time a person of a vast estate, who is the immediate +descendant of a fine gentleman, but the great grandson of a broker, in +whom his ancestor is now revived. He is a very honest gentleman in his +principles, but cannot for his blood talk fairly; he is heartily sorry +for it; but he cheats by constitution, and over-reaches by instinct. + +The happiness of the man who marries my sister will be, that he has +no faults to correct in her but her own, a little bias of fancy, or +particularity of manners which grew in herself, and can be amended by +her. From such an untainted couple we can hope to have our family rise +to its ancient splendour of face, air, countenance, manner, and shape, +without discovering the product of ten nations in one house. Obadiah +Greenhat says, "he never comes into any company in England, but he +distinguishes the different nations of which we are composed." There is +scarce such a living creature as a true Briton. We sit down, indeed, all +friends, acquaintance, and neighbours; but after two bottles you see a +Dane start up and swear, "the kingdom is his own." A Saxon drinks up the +whole quart, and swears he will dispute that with him. A Norman tells +them both, he will assert his liberty; and a Welshman cries, "They are +all foreigners and intruders of yesterday," and beats them out of the +room. Such accidents happen frequently among neighbours' children, and +cousin-germans. For which reason I say study your race, or the soil of +your family will dwindle into cits or 'squires, or run up into wits or +madmen. + + + + +VI.--PROFESSIONAL: A CASE OF SPLEEN. + + +White's Chocolate House, October 12. + +It will be allowed me that I have all along showed great respect in +matters which concern the fair sex; but the inhumanity with which the +author of the following letter has been used is not to be suffered:-- + + +"Sir, + +"Yesterday I had the misfortune to drop in at my Lady Haughty's upon her +visiting-day. When I entered the room where she receives company, they +all stood up indeed; but they stood as if they were to stare at, rather +than to receive me. After a long pause, a servant brought a round stool, +on which I sat down at the lower end of the room, in the presence of no +less than twelve persons, gentlemen and ladies, lolling in elbow-chairs. +And, to complete my disgrace, my mistress was of the society. I tried to +compose myself in vain, not knowing how to dispose of either my legs or +arms, nor how to shape my countenance, the eyes of the whole room being +still upon me in a profound silence. My confusion at last was so great, +that, without speaking, or being spoken to, I fled for it, and left the +assembly to treat me at their discretion. A lecture from you upon these +inhuman distinctions in a free nation will, I doubt not, prevent the +like evils for the future, and make it, as we say, as cheap sitting as +standing. + +"I am, with the greatest respect, Sir, + +"Your most humble, and + +"Most obedient servant, + +"J. R. + +"Oct. 9. + +"P.S.--I had almost forgot to inform you that a fair young lady sat in +an armless chair upon my right hand, with manifest discontent in her +looks." + + +Soon after the receipt of this epistle, I heard a very gentle knock at +my door. My maid went down and brought up word "that a tall, lean, black +man, well dressed, who said he had not the honour to be acquainted +with me, desired to be admitted." I bid her show him up, met him at +my chamber-door, and then fell back a few paces. He approached me with +great respect, and told me, with a low voice, "he was the gentleman that +had been seated upon the round stool." I immediately recollected that +there was a joint-stool in my chamber, which I was afraid he might take +for an instrument of distinction, and therefore winked at my boy to +carry it into my closet. I then took him by the hand, and led him to the +upper end of my room, where I placed him in my great elbow-chair, at the +same time drawing another without arms to it for myself to sit by him. I +then asked him, "at what time this misfortune befell him?" He answered, +"Between the hours of seven and eight in the evening." I further +demanded of him what he had ate or drank that day? He replied, "Nothing +but a dish of water-gruel with a few plums in it." In the next place, I +felt his pulse, which was very low and languishing. These circumstances +confirmed me in an opinion, which I had entertained upon the first +reading of his letter, that the gentleman was far gone in the spleen. I +therefore advised him to rise the next morning, and plunge into the cold +bath, there to remain under water till he was almost drowned. This +I ordered him to repeat six days successively; and on the seventh to +repair at the wonted hour to my Lady Haughty's, and to acquaint me +afterwards with what he shall meet with there: and particularly to tell +me, whether he shall think they stared upon him so much as the time +before. The gentleman smiled; and, by his way of talking to me, showed +himself a man of excellent sense in all particulars, unless when a +cane-chair, a round or a joint-stool, were spoken of. He opened his +heart to me at the same time concerning several other grievances, such +as being overlooked in public assemblies, having his bows unanswered, +being helped last at table, and placed at the back part of a coach, with +many other distresses, which have withered his countenance, and worn him +to a skeleton. Finding him a man of reason, I entered into the bottom +of his distemper. "Sir," said I, "there are more of your constitution in +this island of Great Britain than in any other part of the world: and +I beg the favour of you to tell me whether you do not observe that you +meet with most affronts in rainy days?" He answered candidly, "that +he had long observed, that people were less saucy in sunshine than in +cloudy weather." Upon which I told him plainly, "his distemper was the +spleen; and that though the world was very ill-natured, it was not so +bad as he believed it." I further assured him, "that his use of the +cold bath, with a course of STEEL which I should prescribe him, +would certainly cure most of his acquaintance of their rudeness, +ill-behaviour, and impertinence." My patient smiled and promised to +observe my prescriptions, not forgetting to give me an account of their +operation. + + + + +VII.--THE DREAM OF FAME. + + +From my own Apartment, October 14. + +There are two kinds of immortality, that which the soul really enjoys +after this life, and that imaginary existence by which men live in their +fame and reputation. The best and greatest actions have proceeded from +the prospect of the one or the other of these; but my design is to treat +only of those who have chiefly proposed to themselves the latter as +the principal reward of their labours. It was for this reason that I +excluded from my Tables of Fame all the great founders and votaries of +religion; and it is for this reason also that I am more than ordinarily +anxious to do justice to the persons of whom I am now going to speak, +for, since fame was the only end of all their enterprises and studies, +a man cannot be too scrupulous in allotting them their due proportion of +it. It was this consideration which made me call the whole body of the +learned to my assistance; to many of whom I must own my obligations for +the catalogues of illustrious persons which they have sent me in upon +this occasion. I yesterday employed the whole afternoon in comparing +them with each other, which made so strong an impression upon my +imagination, that they broke my sleep for the first part of the +following night, and at length threw me into a very agreeable vision, +which I shall beg leave to describe in all its particulars. + +I dreamed that I was conveyed into a wide and boundless plain, that was +covered with prodigious multitudes of people, which no man could number. +In the midst of it there stood a mountain, with its head above the +clouds. The sides were extremely steep, and of such a particular +structure, that no creature which was not made in a human figure could +possibly ascend it. On a sudden there was heard from the top of it a +sound like that of a trumpet, but so exceeding sweet and harmonious, +that it filled the hearts of those who heard it with raptures, and gave +such high and delightful sensations, as seemed to animate and raise +human nature above itself. This made me very much amazed to find so very +few in that innumerable multitude who had ears fine enough to hear or +relish this music with pleasure; but my wonder abated when, upon looking +round me, I saw most of them attentive to three Syrens, clothed like +goddesses, and distinguished by the names of Sloth, Ignorance, and +Pleasure. They were seated on three rocks, amidst a beautiful variety of +groves, meadows, and rivulets that lay on the borders of the mountain. +While this base and grovelling multitude of different nations, ranks, +and ages were listening to these delusive deities, those of a more +erect aspect and exalted spirit separated themselves from the rest, and +marched in great bodies towards the mountain from whence they heard the +sound, which still grew sweeter the more they listened to it. + +On a sudden methought this select band sprang forward, with a resolution +to climb the ascent, and follow the call of that heavenly music. Every +one took something with him that he thought might be of assistance to +him in his march. Several had their swords drawn, some carried rolls +of paper in their hands, some had compasses, others quadrants, others +telescopes, and others pencils. Some had laurels on their heads, and +others buskins on their legs; in short, there was scarce any instrument +of a mechanic art, or liberal science, which was not made of use on this +occasion. My good demon, who stood at my right hand during this course +of the whole vision, observing in me a burning desire to join that +glorious company, told me, "he highly approved that generous ardour with +which I seemed transported; but at the same time advised me to cover my +face with a mask all the while I was to labour on the ascent." I took +his counsel, without inquiring into his reasons. The whole body now +broke into different parties, and began to climb the precipice by ten +thousand different paths. Several got into little alleys, which did +not reach far up the hill before they ended, and led no further; and I +observed that most of the artizans, which considerably diminished our +number, fell into these paths. + +We left another considerable body of adventurers behind us who thought +they had discovered byways up the hill, which proved so very intricate +and perplexed, that after having advanced in them a little they were +quite lost among the several turns and windings; and though they were +as active as any in their motions, they made but little progress in the +ascent. These, as my guide informed me, were men of subtle tempers, and +puzzled politics, who would supply the place of real wisdom with cunning +and artifice. Among those who were far advanced in their way there were +some that by one false step fell backward, and lost more ground in a +moment, than they had gained for many hours, or could be ever able +to recover. We were now advanced very high, and observed that all the +different paths which ran about the sides of the mountain began to meet +in two great roads, which insensibly gathered the whole multitude of +travellers into two great bodies. At a little distance from the entrance +of each road there stood a hideous phantom, that opposed our further +passage. One of these apparitions had his right hand filled with darts, +which he brandished in the face of all who came up that way. Crowds ran +back at the appearance of it, and cried out, "Death!" The spectre that +guarded the other road was Envy. She was not armed with weapons of +destruction, like the former, but by dreadful hissings, noises of +reproach, and a horrid distracted laughter; she appeared more frightful +than Death itself, insomuch that abundance of our company were +discouraged from passing any further, and some appeared ashamed of +having come so far. As for myself, I must confess my heart shrunk within +me at the sight of these ghastly appearances; but, on a sudden, the +voice of the trumpet came more full upon us, so that we felt a new +resolution reviving in us, and in proportion as this resolution grew the +terrors before us seemed to vanish. Most of the company, who had swords +in their hands, marched on with great spirit, and an air of defiance, up +the road that was commanded by Death; while others, who had thought and +contemplation in their looks, went forward in a more composed manner up +the road possessed by Envy. The way above these apparitions grew smooth +and uniform, and was so delightful, that the travellers went on with +pleasure, and in a little time arrived at the top of the mountain. They +here began to breathe a delicious kind of ether, and saw all the fields +about them covered with a kind of purple light, that made them reflect +with satisfaction on their past toils, and diffused a secret joy through +the whole assembly, which showed itself in every look and feature. In +the midst of these happy fields there stood a palace of a very glorious +structure. It had four great folding-doors that faced the four several +quarters of the world. On the top of it was enthroned the goddess of the +mountain, who smiled upon her votaries, and sounded the silver trumpet +which had called them up, and cheered them in their passage to her +palace. They had now formed themselves into several divisions, a band of +historians taking their stations at each door, according to the persons +whom they were to introduce. + +On a sudden the trumpet, which had hitherto sounded only a march, or a +point of war, now swelled all its notes into triumph and exultation. +The whole fabric shook, and the doors flew open. The first who stepped +forward was a beautiful and blooming hero, and, as I heard by the +murmurs round me, Alexander the Great. He was conducted by a crowd of +historians. The person who immediately walked before him was remarkable +for an embroidered garment, who, not being well acquainted with the +place, was conducting him to an apartment appointed for the reception of +fabulous heroes. The name of this false guide was Quintus Curtius. +But Arrian and Plutarch, who knew better the avenues of this palace, +conducted him into the great hall, and placed him at the upper end of +the first table. My good demon, that I might see the whole ceremony, +conveyed me to a corner of this room, where I might perceive all that +passed without being seen myself. The next who entered was a charming +virgin, leading in a venerable old man that was blind. Under her left +arm she bore a harp, and on her head a garland. Alexander, who was very +well acquainted with Homer, stood up at his entrance, and placed him +on his right hand. The virgin, who it seems was one of the Nine Sisters +that attended on the Goddess of Fame, smiled with an ineffable grace at +their meeting, and retired. + +Julius Caesar was now coming forward; and though most of the historians +offered their service to introduce him, he left them at the door, and +would have no conductor but himself. + +The next who advanced was a man of a homely but cheerful aspect, and +attended by persons of greater figure than any that appeared on this +occasion. Plato was on his right hand, and Xenophon on his left. He +bowed to Homer, and sat down by him. It was expected that Plato would +himself have taken a place next to his master Socrates: but on a sudden +there was heard a great clamour of disputants at the door, who appeared +with Aristotle at the head of them. That philosopher, with some +rudeness, but great strength of reason, convinced the whole table that a +title to the fifth place was his due, and took it accordingly. + +He had scarce sat down, when the same beautiful virgin that had +introduced Homer brought in another, who hung back at the entrance, and +would have excused himself, had not his modesty been overcome by the +invitation of all who sat at the table. His guide and behaviour made me +easily conclude it was Virgil. Cicero next appeared, and took his place. +He had inquired at the door for Lucceius to introduce him, but not +finding him there, he contented himself with the attendance of many +other writers, who all, except Sallust, appeared highly pleased with the +office. + +We waited some time in expectation of the next worthy, who came in with +a great retinue of historians, whose names I could not learn, most +of them being natives of Carthage. The person thus conducted, who was +Hannibal, seemed much disturbed, and could not forbear complaining to +the board of the affronts he had met with among the Roman historians, +"who attempted," says he, "to carry me into the subterraneous apartment, +and perhaps would have done it, had it not been for the impartiality of +this gentleman," pointing to Polybius, "who was the only person, except +my own countrymen, that was willing to conduct me hither." + +The Carthaginian took his seat, and Pompey entered, with great dignity +in his own person, and preceded by several historians. Lucan the poet +was at the head of them, who, observing Homer and Virgil at the table, +was going to sit down himself, had not the latter whispered him that +whatever pretence he might otherwise have had, he forfeited his claim to +it by coming in as one of the historians. Lucan was so exasperated with +the repulse, that he muttered something to himself, and was heard to say +that since he could not have a seat among them himself, he would bring +in one who alone had more merit than their whole assembly: upon which he +went to the door and brought in Cato of Utica. That great man approached +the company with such an air that showed he contemned the honour which +he laid a claim to. Observing the seat opposite to Caesar was vacant, he +took possession of it, and spoke two or three smart sentences upon the +nature of precedency, which, according to him, consisted not in place, +but in intrinsic merit: to which he added, "that the most virtuous +man, wherever he was seated, was always at the upper end of the table." +Socrates, who had a great spirit of raillery with his wisdom, could not +forbear smiling at a virtue which took so little pains to make itself +agreeable. Cicero took the occasion to make a long discourse in praise +of Cato, which he uttered with much vehemence. Caesar answered him with +a great deal of seeming temper, but, as I stood at a great distance from +them, I was not able to hear one word of what they said. But I could +not forbear taking notice that in all the discourse which passed at the +table a word or nod from Homer decided the controversy. + +After a short pause Augustus appeared, looking round him, with a serene +and affable countenance, upon all the writers of his age, who strove +among themselves which of them should show him the greatest marks of +gratitude and respect. Virgil rose from the table to meet him; and +though he was an acceptable guest to all, he appeared more such to the +learned than the military worthies. + +The next man astonished the whole table with his appearance. He was +slow, solemn, and silent in his behaviour, and wore a raiment curiously +wrought with hieroglyphics. As he came into the middle of the room, he +threw back the skirt of it, and discovered a golden thigh. Socrates, at +the sight of it, declared against keeping company with any who were not +made of flesh and blood, and, therefore, desired Diogenes the Laertian +to lead him to the apartment allotted for fabulous heroes and worthies +of dubious existence. At his going out he told them, "that they did +not know whom they dismissed; that he was now Pythagoras, the first +of philosophers, and that formerly he had been a very brave man at the +Siege of Troy." "That may be true," said Socrates, "but you forget that +you have likewise been a very great harlot in your time." This exclusion +made way for Archimedes, who came forward with a scheme of mathematical +figures in his hand, among which I observed a cone and a cylinder. + +Seeing this table full, I desired my guide, for variety, to lead me +to the fabulous apartment, the roof of which was painted with Gorgons, +Chimeras, and Centaurs, with many other emblematical figures, which I +wanted both time and skill to unriddle. The first table was almost full. +At the upper end sat Hercules, leaning an arm upon his club; on his +right hand were Achilles and Ulysses, and between them AEneas; on his +left were Hector, Theseus, and Jason: the lower end had Orpheus, AEsop, +Phalaris, and Musaeus. The ushers seemed at a loss for a twelfth man, +when, methought, to my great joy and surprise, I heard some at the lower +end of the table mention Isaac Bickerstaff; but those of the upper end +received it with disdain, and said, "if they must have a British worthy, +they would have Robin Hood!" + +While I was transported with the honour that was done me, and burning +with envy against my competitor, I was awakened by the noise of the +cannon which were then fired for the taking of Mons. I should have been +very much troubled at being thrown out of so pleasing a vision on any +other occasion; but thought it an agreeable change, to have my thoughts +diverted from the greatest among the dead and fabulous heroes to the +most famous among the real and the living. + + + + +VIII.--LOVE AND SORROW. + + +From my own Apartment, October 17. + +After the mind has been employed on contemplations suitable to its +greatness, it is unnatural to run into sudden mirth or levity; but +we must let the soul subside, as it rose, by proper degrees. My late +considerations of the ancient heroes impressed a certain gravity upon my +mind, which is much above the little gratification received from starts +of humour and fancy, and threw me into a pleasing sadness. In this state +of thought I have been looking at the fire, and in a pensive manner +reflecting upon the great misfortunes and calamities incident to human +life, among which there are none that touch so sensibly as those which +befall persons who eminently love, and meet with fatal interruptions +of their happiness when they least expect it. The piety of children to +parents, and the affection of parents to their children, are the effects +of instinct; but the affection between lovers and friends is founded +on reason and choice, which has always made me think the sorrows of +the latter much more to be pitied than those of the former. The +contemplation of distresses of this sort softens the mind of man, and +makes the heart better. It extinguishes the seeds of envy and ill-will +towards mankind, corrects the pride of prosperity, and beats down all +that fierceness and insolence which are apt to get into the minds of the +daring and fortunate. + +For this reason the wise Athenians, in their theatrical performances, +laid before the eyes of the people the greatest afflictions which +could befall human life, and insensibly polished their tempers by +such representations. Among the moderns, indeed, there has arisen a +chimerical method of disposing the fortune of the persons represented, +according to what they call poetical justice; and letting none be +unhappy but those who deserve it. In such cases, an intelligent +spectator, if he is concerned, knows he ought not to be so, and can +learn nothing from such a tenderness, but that he is a weak creature, +whose passions cannot follow the dictates of his understanding. It is +very natural, when one is got into such a way of thinking, to recollect +these examples of sorrow which have made the strongest impression upon +our imaginations. An instance or two of such you will give me leave to +communicate. + +A young gentleman and lady of ancient and honourable houses in Cornwall +had from their childhood entertained for each other a generous and noble +passion, which had been long opposed by their friends, by reason of the +inequality of their fortunes; but their constancy to each other, and +obedience to those on whom they depended, wrought so much upon their +relations, that these celebrated lovers were at length joined in +marriage. Soon after their nuptials the bridegroom was obliged to go +into a foreign country, to take care of a considerable fortune, which +was left him by a relation, and came very opportunely to improve their +moderate circumstances. They received the congratulations of all the +country on this occasion; and I remember it was a common sentence in +everyone's mouth, "You see how faithful love is rewarded." + +He took this agreeable voyage, and sent home every post fresh accounts +of his success in his affairs abroad; but at last, though he designed +to return with the next ship, he lamented in his letters that "business +would detain him some time longer from home," because he would give +himself the pleasure of an unexpected arrival. + +The young lady, after the heat of the day, walked every evening on the +sea-shore, near which she lived, with a familiar friend, her husband's +kinswoman, and diverted herself with what objects they met there, or +upon discourses of the future methods of life, in the happy change of +their circumstances. They stood one evening on the shore together in a +perfect tranquillity, observing the setting of the sun, the calm face +of the deep, and the silent heaving of the waves, which gently rolled +towards them, and broke at their feet, when at a distance her kinswoman +saw something float on the waters, which she fancied was a chest, and +with a smile told her, "she saw it first, and if it came ashore full of +jewels she had a right to it." They both fixed their eyes upon it, and +entertained themselves with the subject of the wreck, the cousin still +asserting her right, but promising, "if it was a prize, to give her a +very rich coral for the child which she was then expecting, provided she +might be godmother." Their mirth soon abated when they observed upon +the nearer approach that it was a human body. The young lady, who had +a heart naturally filled with pity and compassion, made many melancholy +reflections on the occasion. "Who knows," said she, "but this man may +be the only hope and heir of a wealthy house; the darling of indulgent +parents, who are now in impertinent mirth, and pleasing themselves with +the thoughts of offering him a bride they had got ready for him? or, +may not he be the master of a family that wholly depended upon his life? +There may, for aught we know, be half-a-dozen fatherless children and a +tender wife, now exposed to poverty by his death. What pleasure might he +have promised himself in the different welcome he was to have from her +and them! But let us go away; it is a dreadful sight! The best office we +can do is to take care that the poor man, whoever he is, may be decently +buried." She turned away, when the wave threw the carcass on the shore. +The kinswoman immediately shrieked out, "Oh, my cousin!" and fell upon +the ground. The unhappy wife went to help her friend, when she saw her +own husband at her feet, and dropped in a swoon upon the body. An old +woman, who had been the gentleman's nurse, came out about this time to +call the ladies in to supper, and found her child, as she always called +him, dead on the shore, her mistress and kinswoman both lying dead by +him. Her loud lamentations, and calling her young master to life, soon +awaked the friend from her trance, but the wife was gone for ever. + +When the family and neighbourhood got together round the bodies, no one +asked any question, but the objects before them told the story. + +Incidents of this nature are the more moving when they are drawn by +persons concerned in the catastrophe, notwithstanding they are often +oppressed beyond the power of giving them in a distinct light, except we +gather their sorrow from their inability to speak it. + +I have two original letters, written both on the same day, which are +to me exquisite in their different kinds. The occasion was this. A +gentleman who had courted a most agreeable young woman, and won her +heart, obtained also the consent of her father, to whom she was an only +child. The old man had a fancy that they should be married in the same +church where he himself was, in a village in Westmoreland, and made them +set out while he was laid up with the gout at London. The bridegroom +took only his man, the bride her maid: they had the most agreeable +journey imaginable to the place of marriage, from whence the bridegroom +writ the following letter to his wife's father:-- + + +"Sir, + +"After a very pleasant journey hither, we are preparing for the happy +hour in which I am to be your son. I assure you the bride carries it, in +the eye of the vicar who married you, much beyond her mother though he +says your open sleeves, pantaloons, and shoulder-knot made a much better +show than the finical dress I am in. However, I am contented to be the +second fine man this village ever saw, and shall make it very merry +before night, because I shall write myself from thence, + +"Your most dutiful son, + +"T. D. + +"March 18, 1672. + +"The bride gives her duty, and is as handsome as an angel. I am the +happiest man breathing." + + +The villagers were assembling about the church, and the happy couple +took a walk in a private garden. The bridegroom's man knew his master +would leave the place on a sudden after the wedding, and seeing him +draw his pistols the night before, took this opportunity to go into his +chamber and charge them. Upon their return from the garden, they went +into that room, and, after a little fond raillery on the subject of +their courtship, the lover took up a pistol, which he knew he had +unloaded the night before, and, presenting it to her, said, with the +most graceful air, whilst she looked pleased at his agreeable flattery, +"Now, madam, repent of all those cruelties you have been guilty of to +me; consider, before you die, how often you have made a poor wretch +freeze under your casement; you shall die, you tyrant, you shall die, +with all those instruments of death and destruction about you, with that +enchanting smile, those killing ringlets of your hair--" "Give fire!" +said she, laughing. He did so, and shot her dead. Who can speak his +condition? but he bore it so patiently as to call up his man. The poor +wretch entered, and his master locked the door upon him. "Will," said +he, "did you charge these pistols?" He answered, "Yes." Upon which, he +shot him dead with that remaining. After this, amidst a thousand broken +sobs, piercing groans, and distracted motions, he writ the following +letter to the father of his dead mistress:-- + +"Sir, + +"I, who two hours ago told you truly I was the happiest man alive am +now the most miserable. Your daughter lies dead at my feet, killed by my +hand, through a mistake of my man's charging my pistols unknown to me. +Him I have murdered for it. Such is my wedding day. I will immediately +follow my wife to her grave, but before I throw myself upon my sword, I +command my distraction so far as to explain my story to you. I fear my +heart will not keep together till I have stabbed it. Poor good old man! +Remember, he that killed your daughter died for it. In the article of +death, I give you my thanks and pray for you, though I dare not for +myself. If it be possible, do not curse me." + + + + +IX.--LOVE AND REASON. + + +From my own Apartment, October 19. + +It is my frequent practice to visit places of resort in this town where +I am least known, to observe what reception my works meet with in the +world, and what good effects I may promise myself from my labours, and +it being a privilege asserted by Monsieur Montaigne, and others, of +vain-glorious memory, that we writers of essays may talk of ourselves, I +take the liberty to give an account of the remarks which I find are made +by some of my gentle readers upon these my dissertations. + +I happened this evening to fall into a coffee-house near the 'Change, +where two persons were reading my account of the "Table of Fame." + +The one of these was commenting as he read, and explaining who was meant +by this and the other worthy as he passed on. I observed the person over +against him wonderfully intent and satisfied with his explanation. When +he came to Julius Caesar, who is said to have refused any conductor to +the table: "No, no," said he, "he is in the right of it, he has money +enough to be welcome wherever he comes;" and then whispered, "He means a +certain colonel of the Trainbands." Upon reading that Aristotle made his +claim with some rudeness, but great strength of reason; "Who can that +be, so rough and so reasonable? It must be some Whig, I warrant you. +There is nothing but party in these public papers." Where Pythagoras is +said to have a golden thigh, "Ay, ay," said he, "he has money enough in +his breeches; that is the alderman of our ward." You must know, +whatever he read, I found he interpreted from his own way of life and +acquaintance. I am glad my readers can construe for themselves these +difficult points; but, for the benefit of posterity, I design, when I +come to write my last paper of this kind, to make it an explanation of +all my former. In that piece you shall have all I have commended with +their proper names. The faulty characters must be left as they are, +because we live in an age wherein vice is very general, and virtue very +particular; for which reason the latter only wants explanation. + +But I must turn my present discourse to what is of yet greater regard to +me than the care of my writings; that is to say, the preservation of +a lady's heart. Little did I think I should ever have business of this +kind on my hands more; but, as little as any one who knows me would +believe it, there is a lady at this time who professes love to me. Her +passion and good humour you shall have in her own words. + + +"MR. BICKERSTAFF, + +"I had formerly a very good opinion of myself; but it is now withdrawn, +and I have placed it upon you, Mr. Bickerstaff, for whom I am not +ashamed to declare I have a very great passion and tenderness. It is not +for your face, for that I never saw; your shape and height I am equally +a stranger to; but your understanding charms me, and I am lost if you do +not dissemble a little love for me. I am not without hopes; because I am +not like the tawdry gay things that are fit only to make bone-lace. I +am neither childish-young, nor beldame-old, but, the world says, a good +agreeable woman. + +"Speak peace to a troubled heart, troubled only for you; and in your +next paper, let me find your thoughts of me. + +"Do not think of finding out who I am, for, notwithstanding your +interest in demons, they cannot help you either to my name, or a sight +of my face; therefore, do not let them deceive you. + +"I can bear no discourse, if you are not the subject; and believe me, I +know more of love than you do of astronomy. + +"Pray, say some civil things in return to my generosity, and you shall +have my very best pen employed to thank you, and I will confirm it. + +"I am your admirer, + +"MARIA." + + +There is something wonderfully pleasing in the favour of women; and this +letter has put me in so good a humour, that nothing could displease me +since I received it. My boy breaks glasses and pipes, and instead of +giving him a knock on the pate, as my way is, for I hate scolding at +servants, I only say, "Ah, Jack! thou hast a head, and so has a pin," +or some such merry expression. But, alas! how am I mortified when he is +putting on my fourth pair of stockings on these poor spindles of mine! +"The fair one understands love better than I astronomy!" I am sure, +without the help of that art, this poor meagre trunk of mine is a very +ill habitation for love. She is pleased to speak civilly of my sense, +but Ingenium male habitat is an invincible difficulty in cases of this +nature. I had always, indeed, from a passion to please the eyes of the +fair, a great pleasure in dress. Add to this, that I have writ songs +since I was sixty, and have lived with all the circumspection of an old +beau as I am. But my friend Horace has very well said: "Every year takes +something from us;" and instructed me to form my pursuits and desires +according to the stage of my life; therefore, I have no more to value +myself upon, than that, I can converse with young people without +peevishness, or wishing myself a moment younger. For which reason, when +I am amongst them, I rather moderate than interrupt their diversions. +But though I have this complacency, I must not pretend to write to a +lady civil things, as Maria desires. Time was, when I could have told +her, "I had received a letter from her fair hands; and that, if this +paper trembled as she read it, it then best expressed its author," or +some other gay conceit. Though I never saw her, I could have told her, +"that good sense and good-humour smiled in her eyes; that constancy and +good-nature dwelt in her heart; that beauty and good-breeding appeared +in all her actions." When I was five-and-twenty, upon sight of one +syllable, even wrong spelt, by a lady I never saw, I could tell her, +"that her height was that which was fit for inviting our approach, and +commanding our respect; that a smile sat on her lips, which prefaced +her expressions before she uttered them, and her aspect prevented her +speech. All she could say, though she had an infinite deal of wit, was +but a repetition of what was expressed by her form; her form! which +struck her beholders with ideas more moving and forcible than ever were +inspired by music, painting, or eloquence." At this rate I panted in +those days; but ah! sixty-three! I am very sorry I can only return the +agreeable Maria a passion expressed rather from the head than the heart. + + +"DEAR MADAM, + +"You have already seen the best of me, and I so passionately love you +that I desire we may never meet. If you will examine your heart, you +will find that you join the man with the philosopher; and if you have +that kind opinion of my sense as you pretend, I question not but you add +to it complexion, air, and shape; but, dear Molly, a man in his grand +climacteric is of no sex. Be a good girl, and conduct yourself with +honour and virtue, when you love one younger than myself. I am, with the +greatest tenderness, your innocent lover, + +"I. B." + + + + +X.--A BUSINESS MEETING. + + +From my own Apartment, October 25. + +When I came home last night my servant delivered me the following +letter: + +"SIR, + +"I have orders from Sir Harry Quickset, of Staffordshire, Baronet, to +acquaint you that his honour Sir Harry himself, Sir Giles Wheelbarrow, +Knight, Thomas Rentfree, Esquire, Justice of the Quorum, Andrew +Windmill, Esquire, and Mr. Nicholas Doubt, of the Inner Temple, Sir +Harry's grandson, will wait upon you at the hour of nine to-morrow +morning, being Tuesday the twenty-fifth of October, upon business which +Sir Harry will impart to you by word of mouth. I thought it proper to +acquaint you beforehand so many persons of quality came, that you might +not be surprised therewith. Which concludes, though by many years' +absence since I saw you at Stafford, unknown, Sir, your most humble +servant, + +"JOHN THRIFTY. + +"October 24." + + +I received this message with less surprise than I believe Mr. Thrifty +imagined; for I knew the good company too well to feel any palpitations +at their approach; but I was in very great concern how I should adjust +the ceremonial, and demean myself to all these great men, who perhaps +had not seen anything above themselves for these twenty years last past. +I am sure that is the case of Sir Harry. Besides which, I was sensible +that there was a great point in adjusting my behaviour to the simple +esquire, so as to give him satisfaction and not disoblige the justice of +the quorum. + +The hour of nine was come this morning, and I had no sooner set chairs, +by the steward's letter, and fixed my tea-equipage, but I heard a knock +at my door, which was opened, but no one entered; after which followed +a long silence, which was broke at last by, "Sir, I beg your pardon; +I think I know better," and another voice, "Nay, good Sir Giles--" I +looked out from my window, and saw the good company all with their hats +off and arms spread, offering the door to each other. After many offers, +they entered with much solemnity, in the order Mr. Thrifty was so kind +as to name them to me. But they are now got to my chamber-door, and I +saw my old friend Sir Harry enter. I met him with all the respect due +to so reverend a vegetable; for you are to know that is my sense of a +person who remains idle in the same place for half a century. I got him +with great success into his chair by the fire, without throwing down any +of my cups. The knight-bachelor told me "he had a great respect for my +whole family, and would, with my leave, place himself next to Sir Harry, +at whose right hand he had sat at every quarter-sessions these thirty +years, unless he was sick." The steward in the rear whispered the young +templar, "That is true to my knowledge." I had the misfortune, as +they stood cheek by jowl, to desire the esquire to sit down before the +justice of the quorum, to the no small satisfaction of the former, and +resentment of the latter. But I saw my error too late, and got them as +soon as I could into their seats. "Well," said I, "gentlemen, after I +have told you how glad I am of this great honour, I am to desire you to +drink a dish of tea." They answered one and all, "that they never drank +tea in a morning." "Not in a morning!" said I, staring round me; upon +which the pert jackanapes, Nic Doubt, tipped me the wink, and put out +his tongue at his grandfather. Here followed a profound silence, when +the steward in his boots and whip proposed, "that we should adjourn to +some public house, where everybody might call for what they pleased, and +enter upon the business." We all stood up in an instant, and Sir Harry +filed off from the left, very discreetly, countermarching behind the +chairs towards the door. After him Sir Giles in the same manner. The +simple esquire made a sudden start to follow, but the justice of the +quorum whipped between upon the stand of the stairs. A maid, going up +with coals, made us halt, and put us into such confusion that we stood +all in a heap, without any visible possibility of recovering our order; +for the young jackanapes seemed to make a jest of this matter, and had +so contrived, by pressing amongst us under pretence of making way, +that his grandfather was got into the middle, and he knew nobody was of +quality to stir a step till Sir Harry moved first. We were fixed in this +perplexity for some time, till we heard a very loud noise in the street, +and Sir Harry asking what it was, I, to make them move, said it was +fire. Upon this, all ran down as fast as they could, without order or +ceremony, till we got into the street, where we drew up in very good +order, and filed off down Sheer Lane; the impertinent templar driving us +before him as in a string, and pointing to his acquaintance who passed +by. + +I must confess I love to use people according to their own sense of good +breeding, and therefore whipped in between the justice and the simple +esquire. He could not properly take this ill, but I overheard him +whisper the steward, "that he thought it hard that a common conjuror +should take place of him, though an elder esquire." In this order we +marched down Sheer Lane, at the upper end of which I lodge. + +When we came to Temple Bar, Sir Harry and Sir Giles got over, but a run +of coaches kept the rest of us on this side the street. However, we all +at last landed, and drew up in very good order before Ben Tooke's shop, +who favoured our rallying with great humanity; from whence we proceeded +again till we came to Dick's coffee-house, where I designed to carry +them. Here we were at our old difficulty, and took up the street +upon the same ceremony. We proceeded through the entry, and were so +necessarily kept in order by the situation, that we were now got into +the coffee-house itself, where, as soon as we arrived we repeated our +civilities to each other, after which, we marched up to the high table, +which has an ascent to it enclosed in the middle of the room. The whole +house was alarmed at this entry, made up of persons of so much state and +rusticity. Sir Harry called for a mug of ale and Dyer's Letter. The boy +brought the ale in an instant, but said they did not take in the Letter. +"No!" says Sir Harry, "then take back your mug; we are like indeed to +have good liquor at this house!" Here the templar tipped me a second +wink, and, if I had not looked very grave upon him, I found he was +disposed to be very familiar with me. In short, I observed after a long +pause, that the gentlemen did not care to enter upon business till after +their morning draught, for which reason I called for a bottle of mum, +and finding that had no effect upon them, I ordered a second and a +third, after which Sir Harry reached over to me and told me in a low +voice, "that the place was too public for business, but he would call +upon me again to-morrow morning at my own lodgings, and bring some more +friends with him." + + + + +XI.--DUELLO. + + +From my own Apartment, November 11. + +I had several hints and advertisements from unknown hands, that some, +who are enemies to my labours, design to demand the fashionable way +of satisfaction for the disturbance my Lucubrations have given them. I +confess, as things now stand, I do not know how to deny such inviters, +and am preparing myself accordingly. I have bought pumps and foils, +and am every morning practising in my chamber. My neighbour, the +dancing-master, has demanded of me why I take this liberty, since +I would not allow it him? but I answered, "His was an act of an +indifferent nature, and mine of necessity." My late treatises against +duels have so far disobliged the fraternity of the noble science of +defence, that I can get none of them to show me so much as one pass. I +am, therefore, obliged to learn by book; and have accordingly several +volumes, wherein all the postures are exactly delineated. I must confess +I am shy of letting people see me at this exercise, because of my +flannel waistcoat, and my spectacles, which I am forced to fix on, the +better to observe the posture of the enemy. + +I have upon my chamber-walls drawn at full length the figures of all +sorts of men, from eight foot to three foot two inches. Within this +height, I take it, that all the fighting men of Great Britain are +comprehended. But, as I push, I make allowances for my being of a lank +and spare body, and have chalked out in every figure my own dimensions: +for I scorn to rob any man of his life, or to take advantage of his +breadth: therefore, I press purely in a line down from his nose, +and take no more of him to assault than he has of me: for, to speak +impartially, if a lean fellow wounds a fat one in any part to the right +or left, whether it be in carte or in tierce, beyond the dimensions of +the said lean fellow's own breadth, I take it to be murder, and such a +murder as is below a gentleman to commit. As I am spare, I am also very +tall, and behave myself with relation to that advantage with the same +punctilio; and I am ready to stoop or stand, according to the stature of +my adversary. I must confess I have had great success this morning, and +have hit every figure round the room in a mortal part, without receiving +the least hurt, except a little scratch by falling on my face, in +pushing at one at the lower end of my chamber; but I recovered so quick, +and jumped so nimbly into my guard, that, if he had been alive, he could +not have hurt me. It is confessed I have writ against duels with some +warmth; but in all my discourses I have not ever said that I knew how a +gentleman could avoid a duel if he were provoked to it; and since that +custom is now become a law, I know nothing but the legislative power, +with new animadversions upon it, can put us in a capacity of denying +challenges, though we are afterwards hanged for it. But, no more of +this at present. As things stand, I shall put up no more affronts; and I +shall be so far from taking ill words, that I will not take ill looks. +I therefore, warn all hot young fellows not to look hereafter more +terrible than their neighbours: for, if they stare at me with their hats +cocked higher than other people, I will not bear it. Nay, I give warning +to all people in general to look kindly at me, for I will bear no +frowns, even from ladies; and if any woman pretends to look scornfully +at me, I shall demand satisfaction of the next of kin of the masculine +gender. + + + + +XII.--HAPPY MARRIAGE. + + +From my own Apartment, November 16. + +There are several persons who have many pleasures and entertainments in +their possession, which they do not enjoy. It is, therefore, a kind and +good office to acquaint them with their own happiness, and turn their +attention to such instances of their good fortune which they are apt to +overlook. Persons in the married state often want such a monitor; and +pine away their days, by looking upon the same condition in anguish and +murmur, which carries with it in the opinion of others a complication of +all the pleasures of life, and a retreat from its inquietudes. + +I am led into this thought by a visit I made an old friend, who was +formerly my school-fellow. He came to town last week with his family for +the winter, and yesterday morning sent me word his wife expected me to +dinner. I am, as it were, at home at that house, and every member of it +knows me for their well-wisher. I cannot, indeed, express the pleasure +it is to be met by the children with so much joy as I am when I go +thither. The boys and girls strive who shall come first when they think +it is I that am knocking at the door; and that child which loses the +race to me runs back again to tell the father it is Mr. Bickerstaff. +This day I was led in by a pretty girl, that we all thought must have +forgot me, for the family has been out of town these two years. Her +knowing me again was a mighty subject with us, and took up our discourse +at the first entrance. After which they began to rally me upon a +thousand little stories they heard in the country about my marriage to +one of my neighbour's daughters. Upon which the gentleman, my friend, +said, "Nay, if Mr. Bickerstaff marries a child of any of his old +companions, I hope mine shall have the preference: there is Mrs. Mary is +now sixteen, and would make him as fine a widow as the best of them. But +I know him too well; he is so enamoured with the very memory of those +who flourished in our youth, that he will not so much as look upon the +modern beauties. I remember, old gentleman, how often you went home in +a day to refresh your countenance and dress, when Teraminta reigned in +your heart. As we came up in the coach, I repeated to my wife some of +your verses on her." With such reflections on little passages, which +happened long ago, we passed our time, during a cheerful and elegant +meal. After dinner his lady left the room, as did also the children. As +soon as we were alone, he took me by the hand; "Well, my good friend," +says he, "I am heartily glad to see thee: I was afraid you would never +have seen all the company that dined with you to-day again. Do not you +think the good woman of the house a little altered, since you followed +her from the play-house, to find out who she was for me?" I perceived a +tear fall down his cheek as he spoke, which moved me not a little. But, +to turn the discourse, said I, "She is not indeed quite that creature +she was, when she returned me the letter I carried from you: and told me +'she hoped, as I was a gentleman, I would be employed no more to trouble +her, who had never offended me; but would be so much the gentleman's +friend as to dissuade him from a pursuit which he could never succeed +in.' You may remember I thought her in earnest, and you were forced to +employ your cousin Will, who made his sister get acquainted with her for +you. You cannot expect her to be for ever fifteen." "Fifteen!" replied +my good friend; "ah! you little understand, you that have lived a +bachelor, how great, how exquisite a pleasure there is, in being really +beloved! It is impossible, that the most beauteous face in nature should +raise in me such pleasing ideas, as when I look upon that excellent +woman. That fading in her countenance is chiefly caused by her watching +with me, in my fever. This was followed by a fit of sickness, which had +like to have carried her off last winter. I tell you sincerely, I have +so many obligations to her, that I cannot, with any sort of moderation, +think of her present state of health. But as to what you say of +fifteen, she gives me every day pleasures beyond what I ever knew in +the possession of her beauty, when I was in the vigour of youth. Every +moment of her life brings me fresh instances of her complacency to my +inclinations, and her prudence in regard to my fortune. Her face is to +me much more beautiful than when I first saw it; there is no decay +in any feature, which I cannot trace from the very instant it was +occasioned by some anxious concern for my welfare and interests. Thus, +at the same time, methinks, the love I conceived towards her for what +she was, is heightened by my gratitude for what she is. The love of a +wife is as much above the idle passion commonly called by that name, +as the loud laughter of buffoons is inferior to the elegant mirth of +gentlemen. Oh! she is an inestimable jewel. In her examination of her +household affairs she shows a certain fearfulness to find a fault, which +makes her servants obey her like children: and the meanest we have has +an ingenuous shame for an offence, not always to be seen in children +in other families. I speak freely to you, my old friend: ever since +her sickness, things that gave me the quickest joy before turn now to a +certain anxiety. As the children play in the next room, I know the poor +things by their steps, and am considering what they must do, should they +lose their mother in their tender years. The pleasure I used to take +in telling my boy stories of the battles, and asking my girl questions +about the disposal of her baby, and the gossiping of it, is turned into +inward reflection and melancholy." + +He would have gone on in this tender way, when the good lady entered, +and, with an inexpressible sweetness in her countenance, told us "she +had been searching her closet for something very good, to treat such an +old friend as I was." Her husband's eyes sparkled with pleasure at the +cheerfulness of her countenance; and I saw all his fears vanish in an +instant. The lady observing something in our looks which showed we had +been more serious than ordinary, and seeing her husband receive her with +great concern under a forced cheerfulness, immediately guessed at what +we had been talking of; and applying herself to me, said, with a smile, +"Mr. Bickerstaff, do not believe a word of what he tells you. I shall +still live to have you for my second, as I have often promised you, +unless he takes more care of himself than he has done since his coming +to town. You must know he tells me that he finds London is a much +more healthy place than the country, for he sees several of his old +acquaintances and school-fellows are here young fellows with fair +full-bottomed periwigs. I could scarce keep him this morning from going +out open-breasted." My friend, who is always extremely delighted with +her agreeable humour, made her sit down with us. She did it with that +easiness which is peculiar to women of sense; and to keep up the good +humour she had brought in with her, turned her raillery upon me. "Mr. +Bickerstaff, you remember you followed me one night from the play-house; +suppose you should carry me thither to-morrow night, and lead me into +the front box." This put us into a long field of discourse about the +beauties, who were mothers to the present, and shined in the boxes +twenty years ago. I told her, "I was glad she had transferred so many +of her charms, and I did not question but her eldest daughter was within +half a year of being a Toast." + +We were pleasing ourselves with this fantastical preferment of the young +lady, when on a sudden we were alarmed with the noise of a drum, and +immediately entered my little godson to give me a point of war. His +mother, between laughing and chiding, would have put him out of the +room; but I would not part with him so. I found upon conversation with +him, though he was a little noisy in his mirth, that the child had +excellent parts, and was a great master of all the learning on the other +side eight years old. I perceived him a very great historian in AEsop's +Fables: but he frankly declared to me his mind, that he did not delight +in that learning, because he did not believe they were true; for +which reason I found he had very much turned his studies for about a +twelve-month past, into the lives and adventures of Don Bellianis of +Greece, Guy of Warwick, the Seven Champions, and other historians of +that age. I could not but observe the satisfaction the father took in +the forwardness of his son; and that these diversions might turn to some +profit, I found the boy had made remarks which might be of service +to him during the course of his whole life. He would tell you the +mis-managements of John Hickathrift, find fault with the passionate +temper in Bevis of Southampton, and loved Saint George for being the +champion of England; and by this means had his thoughts insensibly +moulded into the notions of discretion, virtue, and honour. I was +extolling his accomplishments, when the mother told me that the little +girl who led me in this morning was in her way a better scholar than he. +"Betty," says she, "deals chiefly in fairies and sprites, and sometimes +in a winter-night will terrify the maids with her accounts, till they +are afraid to go up to bed." + +I sat with them till it was very late, sometimes in merry, sometimes in +serious, discourse, with this particular pleasure, which gives the only +true relish to all conversation, a sense that every one of us liked each +other. I went home, considering the different conditions of a married +life and that of a bachelor; and I must confess it struck me with a +secret concern, to reflect, that whenever I go off I shall leave no +traces behind me. In this pensive mood I return to my family; that is to +say, to my maid, my dog, and my cat, who only can be the better or worse +for what happens to me. + + + + +XIII.--DEAD FOLK. + + +From my own Apartment, November 17. + +It has cost me very much care and thought to marshal and fix the people +under their proper denominations, and to range them according to their +respective characters. These my endeavours have been received with +unexpected success in one kind, but neglected in another; for though I +have many readers, I have but few converts. This must certainly proceed +from a false opinion, that what I write is designed rather to amuse and +entertain than convince and instruct. I entered upon my Essays with a +declaration that I should consider mankind in quite another manner than +they had hitherto been represented to the ordinary world, and asserted +that none but a useful life should be, with me, any life at all. But, +lest this doctrine should have made this small progress towards the +conviction of mankind, because it may appear to the unlearned light and +whimsical, I must take leave to unfold the wisdom and antiquity of my +first proposition in these my essays, to wit, that "every worthless man +is a dead man." This notion is as old as Pythagoras, in whose school +it was a point of discipline, that if among the Akoustikoi, * or +probationers, there were any who grew weary of studying to be useful, +and returned to an idle life, the rest were to regard them as dead, and +upon their departing, to perform their obsequies and raise them tombs, +with inscriptions, to warn others of the like mortality, and quicken +them to resolutions of refining their souls above that wretched state. +It is upon a like supposition that young ladies, at this very time, in +Roman Catholic countries, are received into some nunneries with +their coffins, and with the pomp of a formal funeral, to signify that +henceforth they are to be of no further use, and consequently dead. Nor +was Pythagoras himself the first author of this symbol, with whom, and +with the Hebrews, it was generally received. Much more might be +offered in illustration of this doctrine from sacred authority, which I +recommend to my reader's own reflection; who will easily recollect, from +places which I do not think fit to quote here, the forcible manner of +applying the words dead and living to men, as they are good or bad. + + * Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text. + +I have, therefore, composed the following scheme of existence for the +benefit both of the living and the dead; though chiefly for the latter, +whom I must desire to read it with all possible attention. In the number +of the dead I comprehend all persons, of what title or dignity soever, +who bestow most of their time in eating and drinking, to support that +imaginary existence of theirs which they call life; or in dressing and +adorning those shadows and apparitions, which are looked upon by the +vulgar as real men and women. In short, whoever resides in the world +without having any business in it, and passes away an age without ever +thinking on the errand for which he was sent hither, is to me a dead man +to all intents and purposes, and I desire that he may be so reputed. The +living are only those that are some way or other laudably employed in +the improvement of their own minds, or for the advantage of others; +and even among these, I shall only reckon into their lives that part of +their time which has been spent in the manner above mentioned. By these +means, I am afraid we shall find the longest lives not to consist of +many months, and the greatest part of the earth to be quite unpeopled. +According to this system we may observe that some men are born at twenty +years of age, some at thirty, some at threescore, and some not above an +hour before they die; nay, we may observe multitudes that die without +ever being born, as well as many dead persons that fill up the bulk +of mankind, and make a better figure in the eyes of the ignorant, than +those who are alive, and in their proper and full state of health. +However, since there may be many good subjects, that pay their taxes, +and live peaceably in their habitations, who are not yet born, or have +departed this life several years since, my design is to encourage both +to join themselves as soon as possible to the number of the living. For +as I invite the former to break forth into being and become good for +something, so I allow the latter a state of resuscitation, which I +chiefly mention for the sake of a person who has lately published an +advertisement, with several scurrilous terms in it, that do by no means +become a dead man to give. It is my departed friend, John Partridge, +who concludes the advertisement of his next year's almanack with the +following note: + +"Whereas it has been industriously given out by Bickerstaff, Esquire, +and others, to prevent the sale of this year's almanack, that John +Partridge is dead: this may inform all his loving countrymen, that he is +still living in health, and they are knaves that reported it otherwise. + +"J. P." + + ***** + + +From my own Apartment, November 25. + +I have already taken great pains to inspire notions of honour and virtue +into the people of this kingdom, and used all gentle methods imaginable, +to bring those who are dead in idleness, folly, and pleasure, into life, +by applying themselves to learning, wisdom, and industry. But, since +fair means are ineffectual, I must proceed to extremities, and shall +give my good friends, the Company of Upholders, full power to bury all +such dead as they meet with, who are within my former descriptions of +deceased persons. In the meantime the following remonstrance of that +corporation I take to be very just. + + +"WORTHY SIR, + +"Upon reading your Tatler of Saturday last, by which we received +the agreeable news of so many deaths, we immediately ordered in a +considerable quantity of blacks, and our servants have wrought night and +day ever since to furnish out the necessaries for these deceased. But so +it is, Sir, that of this vast number of dead bodies that go putrifying +up and down the streets, not one of them has come to us to be buried. +Though we should be loth to be any hindrance to our good friends the +physicians, yet we cannot but take notice what infection Her Majesty's +subjects are liable to from the horrible stench of so many corpses. Sir, +we will not detain you; our case in short is this: Here are we embarked +in this undertaking for the public good. Now, if people should be +suffered to go on unburied at this rate, there is an end of the +usefullest manufactures and handicrafts of the kingdom; for where will +be your sextons, coffin-makers, and plumbers? What will become of your +embalmers, epitaph-mongers, and chief-mourners? We are loth to drive +this matter any farther, though we tremble at the consequences of it; +for if it shall be left to every dead man's discretion not to be buried +till he sees his time, no man can say where that will end; but thus +much we will take upon us to affirm, that such a toleration will be +intolerable. + +"What would make us easy in this matter is no more but that your Worship +would be pleased to issue out your orders to ditto Dead to repair +forthwith to our office, in order to their interment, where constant +attendance shall be given to treat with all persons according to their +quality, and the poor to be buried for nothing. And, for the convenience +of such persons as are willing enough to be dead, but that they are +afraid their friends and relations should know it, we have a back door +into Warwick Street, from whence they may be interred with all secrecy +imaginable, and without loss of time or hindrance of business. But in +case of obstinacy, for we would gladly make a thorough riddance, we +desire a farther power from your Worship, to take up such deceased as +shall not have complied with your first orders wherever we meet +them; and if, after that, there shall be complaints of any person so +offending, let them lie at our doors. + +"We are your Worship's till death, + +"The MASTER and COMPANY of UPHOLDERS. + +"P.S. We are ready to give in our printed proposals at large, and +if your Worship approves of our undertaking, we desire the following +advertisement may be inserted in your next paper: + +"Whereas a commission of interment has been awarded against Doctor John +Partridge, philomath, professor of physic and astrology, and whereas +the said Partridge hath not surrendered himself, nor shown cause to +the contrary: These are to certify that the Company of Upholders will +proceed to bury him from Cordwainer's Hall, on Tuesday the twenty-ninth +instant, where any six of his surviving friends, who still believe him +to be alive, are desired to come prepared to hold up the pall. + +"Note. We shall light away at six in the evening, there being to be a +sermon. + +"From our Office near the Haymarket, Nov. 23." + + + + +XIV.--THE WIFE DEAD. + + +Sheer Lane, December 30. + +I was walking about my chamber this morning in a very gay humour, when I +saw a coach stop at my door, and a youth about fifteen alighting out of +it, who I perceived to be the eldest son of my bosom friend, that I gave +some account of in a previous paper. I felt a sensible pleasure rising +in me at the sight of him, my acquaintance having begun with his father +when he was just such a stripling, and about that very age. When he came +up to me, he took me by the hand, and burst into tears. I was extremely +moved, and immediately said, "Child, how does your father do?" He began +to reply, "My mother--" but could not go on for weeping. I went down +with him into the coach, and gathered out of him, "That his mother was +then dying; and that, while the holy man was doing the last offices to +her, he had taken that time to come and call me to his father, who, he +said, would certainly break his heart, if I did not go and comfort +him." The child's discretion in coming to me of his own head, and the +tenderness he showed for his parents would have quite overpowered me, +had I not resolved to fortify myself for the seasonable performances of +those duties which I owed to my friend. As we were going, I could +not but reflect upon the character of that excellent woman, and the +greatness of his grief for the loss of one who has ever been the support +to him under all other afflictions. How, thought I, will he be able to +bear the hour of her death, that could not, when I was lately with him, +speak of a sickness, which was then past, without sorrow! We were now +got pretty far into Westminster, and arrived at my friend's house. At +the door of it I met Favonius, not without a secret satisfaction to find +he had been there. I had formerly conversed with him at his house; +and as he abounds with that sort of virtue and knowledge which makes +religion beautiful, and never leads the conversation into the violence +and rage of party disputes, I listened to him with great pleasure. Our +discourse chanced to be upon the subject of death, which he treated with +such a strength of reason, and greatness of soul, that, instead of being +terrible, it appeared to a mind rightly cultivated, altogether to be +contemned, or rather to be desired. As I met him at the door, I saw in +his face a certain glowing of grief and humanity, heightened with an air +of fortitude and resolution, which, as I afterwards found, had such +an irresistible force, as to suspend the pains of the dying, and the +lamentation of the nearest friends who attended her. I went up directly +to the room where she lay, and was met at the entrance by my friend, +who, notwithstanding his thoughts had been composed a little before, +at the sight of me turned away his face and wept. The little family +of children renewed the expressions of their sorrow according to their +several ages and degrees of understanding. The eldest daughter was in +tears, busied in attendance upon her mother; others were kneeling about +the bedside: and what troubled me most, was, to see a little boy, who +was too young to know the reason, weeping only because his sisters did. +The only one in the room who seemed resigned and comforted was the dying +person. At my approach to the bedside, she told me, with a low broken +voice, "This is kindly done--take care of your friend--do not go from +him!" She had before taken leave of her husband and children, in a +manner proper for so solemn a parting, and with a gracefulness peculiar +to a woman of her character. My heart was torn to pieces, to see the +husband on one side suppressing and keeping down the swellings of his +grief, for fear of disturbing her in her last moments; and the wife even +at that time concealing the pains she endured, for fear of increasing +his affliction. She kept her eyes upon him for some moments after she +grew speechless, and soon after closed them for ever. In the moment of +her departure, my friend, who had thus far commanded himself, gave a +deep groan, and fell into a swoon by her bedside. The distraction of the +children, who thought they saw both their parents expiring together, +and now lying dead before them, would have melted the hardest heart; but +they soon perceived their father recover, whom I helped to remove into +another room, with a resolution to accompany him till the first pangs of +his affliction were abated. I knew consolation would now be impertinent; +and, therefore, contented myself to sit by him, and condole with him in +silence. For I shall here use the method of an ancient author, who in +one of his epistles, relating the virtues and death of Macrinus's wife, +expresses himself thus: "I shall suspend my advice to this best of +friends, till he is made capable of receiving it by those three great +remedies (necessitas ipsa, dies longa, et satietas doloris), the +necessity of submission, length of time, and satiety of grief." + +In the meantime, I cannot but consider, with much commiseration, the +melancholy state of one who has had such a part of himself torn from +him, and which he misses in every circumstance of life. His condition is +like that of one who has lately lost his right arm, and is every moment +offering to help himself with it. He does not appear to himself the same +person in his house, at his table, in company, or in retirement; and +loses the relish of all the pleasures and diversions that were before +entertaining to him by her participation of them. This additional +satisfaction, from the taste of pleasures in the society of one we love, +is admirably described in Milton, who represents Eve, though in Paradise +itself, no further pleased with the beautiful objects around her, than +as she sees them in company with Adam, in that passage so inexpressibly +charming: + + "With thee conversing, I forget all time; + All seasons, and their change; all please alike. + Sweet is the breath of morn, her rising sweet + With charm of earliest birds; pleasant the sun, + When first on this delightful land he spreads + His orient beams, on herb, tree, fruit, and flower, + Glistering with dew; fragrant the fertile earth + After short showers; and sweet the coming on + Of grateful evening mild; the silent night, + With this her solemn bird, and this fair moon, + And these the gems of Heaven, her starry train. + But neither breath of morn when she ascends + With charm of earliest birds; nor rising sun + On this delightful land; nor herb, fruit, flower, + Glistering with dew; nor fragrance after showers; + Nor grateful evening mild; nor silent night, + With this her solemn bird, nor walk by moon, + Or glittering star-light, without thee is sweet." + +The variety of images in this passage is infinitely pleasing; and the +recapitulation of each particular image, with a little varying of the +expression, makes one of the finest turns of words that I have ever +seen: which I rather mention because Mr. Dryden has said, in his preface +to Juvenal, that he could meet with no turn of words in Milton. + +It may further be observed, that though the sweetness of these verses +has something in it of a pastoral, yet it excels the ordinary kind, as +much as the scene of it is above an ordinary field or meadow. I might +here, as I am accidentally led into this subject, show several passages +in Milton that have as excellent turns of this nature as any of our +English poets whatsoever; but shall only mention that which follows, in +which he describes the fallen angels engaged in the intricate disputes +of predestination, free-will, and fore-knowledge; and, to humour the +perplexity, makes a kind of labyrinth in the very words that describe +it. + + "Others apart sat on a hill retired, + In thoughts more elevate, and reasoned high + Of providence, fore-knowledge, will, and fate, + Fixed fate, free-will, fore-knowledge absolute, + And found no end, in wandering mazes lost." + + + + +XV.--THE CLUB AT "THE TRUMPET." + + +Sheer Lane, February 10, 1710. + +After having applied my mind with more than ordinary attention to +my studies, it is my usual custom to relax and unbend it in the +conversation of such as are rather easy than shining companions. This I +find particularly necessary for me before I retire, to rest, in order to +draw my slumbers upon me by degrees, and fall asleep insensibly. This is +the particular use I make of a set of heavy honest men, with whom I have +passed many hours with much indolence, though not with great pleasure. +Their conversation is a kind of preparative for sleep; it takes the +mind down from its abstractions, leads it into the familiar traces of +thought, and lulls it into that state of tranquillity, which is the +condition of a thinking man, when he is but half-awake. After this, my +reader will not be surprised to hear the account which I am about to +give of a club of my own contemporaries, among whom I pass two or three +hours every evening. This I look upon as taking my first nap before I go +to bed. The truth of it is, I should think myself unjust to posterity, +as well as to the society at "The Trumpet," of which I am a member, did +not I in some part of my writings give an account of the persons among +whom I have passed almost a sixth part of my time for these last forty +years. Our club consisted originally of fifteen; but, partly by the +severity of the law in arbitrary times, and partly by the natural +effects of old age, we are at present reduced to a third part of that +number: in which, however, we have this consolation that the best +company is said to consist of five persons. I must confess, besides the +aforementioned benefit which I meet with in the conversation of this +select society, I am not the less pleased with the company, in that I +find myself the greatest wit among them, and am heard as their oracle in +all points of learning and difficulty. + +Sir Jeoffery Notch, who is the oldest of the club, has been in +possession of the right-hand chair time out of mind, and is the only man +among us that has the liberty of stirring the fire. This our foreman is +a gentleman of an ancient family, that came to a great estate some +years before he had discretion, and run it out in hounds, horses, and +cock-fighting; for which reason he looks upon himself as an honest, +worthy gentleman, who has had misfortunes in the world, and calls every +thriving man a pitiful upstart. + +Major Matchlock is the next senior, who served in the last civil wars, +and has all the battles by heart. He does not think any action in Europe +worth talking of, since the fight of Marston Moor; and every night tells +us of his having been knocked off his horse at the rising of the London +apprentices; for which he is in great esteem among us. + +Honest old Dick Reptile is the third of our society. He is a +good-natured indolent man, who speaks little himself, but laughs at our +jokes; and brings his young nephew along with him, a youth of eighteen +years old, to show him good company, and give him a taste of the world. +This young fellow sits generally silent; but whenever he opens his +mouth, or laughs at anything that passes, he is constantly told by his +uncle, after a jocular manner, "Ay, ay, Jack, you young men think us +fools; but we old men know you are." + +The greatest wit of our company, next to myself, is a Bencher, of the +neighbouring Inn, who in his youth frequented the ordinaries about +Charing Cross, and pretends to have been intimate with Jack Ogle. He has +about ten distichs of Hudibras without book, and never leaves the club +till he has applied them all. If any modern wit be mentioned, or any +town-frolic spoken of, he shakes his head at the dulness of the present +age, and tells us a story of Jack Ogle. + +For my own part, I am esteemed among them, because they see I am +something respected by others; though at the same time I understand by +their behaviour, that I am considered by them as a man of a great deal +of learning, but no knowledge of the world; insomuch, that the +Major sometimes, in the height of his military pride, calls me the +philosopher; and Sir Jeoffery, no longer ago than last night, upon a +dispute what day of the month it was then in Holland, pulled his pipe +out of his mouth, and cried, "What does the Scholar say to it?" + +Our club meets precisely at six o'clock in the evening; but I did not +come last night till half an hour after seven, by which means I +escaped the battle of Naseby, which the Major usually begins at about +three-quarters after six. I found also, that my good friend the Bencher +had already spent three of his distichs; and only waiting an opportunity +to hear a sermon spoken of that he might introduce the couplet where "a +stick" rhymes to "ecclesiastic." At my entrance into the room, they were +naming a red petticoat and a cloak, by which I found that the Bencher +had been diverting them with a story of Jack Ogle. + +I had no sooner taken my seat, but Sir Jeoffery, to show his good will +towards me, gave me a pipe of his own tobacco, and stirred up the +fire. I look upon it as a point of morality, to be obliged by those who +endeavour to oblige me; and therefore, in requital for his kindness, and +to set the conversation a-going, I took the best occasion I could to put +him upon telling us the story of old Gantlett, which he always does +with very particular concern. He traced up his descent on both sides for +several generations, describing his diet and manner of life, with his +several battles, and particularly that in which he fell. This Gantlett +was a game-cock, upon whose head the knight, in his youth, had won five +hundred pounds, and lost two thousand. This naturally set the Major upon +the account of Edge-hill fight, and ended in a duel of Jack Ogle's. + +Old Reptile was extremely attentive to all that was said, though it was +the same he had heard every night for these twenty years, and upon all +occasions winked upon his nephew to mind what passed. + +This may suffice to give the world a taste of our innocent conversation, +which we spun out till about ten of the clock, when my maid came with a +lantern to light me home. I could not but reflect with myself, as I was +going out, upon the talkative humour of old men, and the little figure +which that part of life makes in one who cannot employ this natural +propensity in discourses which would make him venerable. I must own, +it makes me very melancholy in company, when I hear a young man begin a +story; and have often observed, that one of a quarter of an hour long in +a man of five-and-twenty, gathers circumstances every time he tells it, +till it grows into a long Canterbury tale of two hours by that time he +is three-score. + +The only way of avoiding such a trifling and frivolous old age is to lay +up in our way to it such stores of knowledge and observation as may make +us useful and agreeable in our declining years. The mind of man in +a long life will become a magazine of wisdom or folly, and will +consequently discharge itself in something impertinent or improving. For +which reason, as there is nothing more ridiculous than an old trifling +story-teller, so there is nothing more venerable than one who has turned +his experience to the entertainment and advantage of mankind. + +In short, we, who are in the last stage of life, and are apt to indulge +ourselves in talk, ought to consider if what we speak be worth being +heard, and endeavour to make our discourse like that of Nestor, which +Homer compares to the flowing of honey for its sweetness. + +I am afraid I shall be thought guilty of this excess I am speaking of, +when I cannot conclude without observing that Milton certainly thought +of this passage in Homer, when, in his description of an eloquent +spirit, he says-- + + "His tongue dropped manna." + + + + +XVI.--A VERY PRETTY POET. + + +Will's Coffee-house, April 24. + +I yesterday came hither about two hours before the company generally +make their appearance, with a design to read over all the newspapers; +but, upon my sitting down, I was accosted by Ned Softly, who saw me from +a corner in the other end of the room, where I found he had been writing +something. "Mr. Bickerstaff," says he, "I observe by a late paper of +yours, that you and I are just of a humour; for you must know, of all +impertinences, there is nothing which I so much hate as news. I never +read a gazette in my life; and never trouble my head about our armies, +whether they win or lose, or in what part of the world they lie +encamped." Without giving me time to reply, he drew a paper of verses +out of his pocket, telling me, "that he had something which would +entertain me more agreeably, and that he would desire my judgment upon +every line, for that we had time enough before us till the company came +in." + +Ned Softly is a very pretty poet, and a great admirer of easy lines. +Waller is his favourite: and as that admirable writer has the best and +worst verses of any among our great English poets, Ned Softly has got +all the bad ones without book, which he repeats upon occasion, to show +his reading, and garnish his conversation. Ned is indeed a true English +reader, incapable of relishing the great and masterly strokes of +this art; but wonderfully pleased with the little Gothic ornaments +of epigrammatical conceits, turns, points, and quibbles, which are so +frequent in the most admired of our English poets, and practised by +those who want genius and strength to represent, after the manner of the +ancients, simplicity in its natural beauty and perfection. + +Finding myself unavoidably engaged in such a conversation, I was +resolved to turn my pain into a pleasure and to divert myself as well +as I could with so very odd a fellow. "You must understand," says Ned, +"that the sonnet I am going to read to you was written upon a lady, who +showed me some verses of her own making, and is, perhaps, the best poet +of our age. But you shall hear it." + +Upon which he began to read as follows: + + +"TO MIRA, ON HER INCOMPARABLE POEMS. + + 1. + "When dressed in laurel wreaths you shine, + And tune your soft melodious notes, + You seem a sister of the Nine, + Or Phoebus' self in petticoats. + + 2. + "I fancy, when your song you sing, + Your song you sing with so much art, + Your pen was plucked from Cupid's wing; + For, ah! it wounds me like his dart." + +"Why," says I, "this is a little nosegay of conceits, a very lump of +salt: every verse has something in it that piques; and then the dart in +the last line is certainly as pretty a sting in the tail of an epigram, +for so I think you critics call it, as ever entered into the thought +of a poet." "Dear Mr. Bickerstaff," says he, shaking me by the hand, +"everybody knows you to be a judge of these things; and, to tell you +truly, I read over Roscommon's translation of Horace's 'Art of Poetry' +three several times before I sat down to write the sonnet which I have +shown you. But you shall hear it again, and pray observe every line of +it; for not one of them shall pass without your approbation. + + "'When dressed in laurel wreaths you shine,' + +"That is," says he, "when you have your garland on; when you are writing +verses." To which I replied, "I know your meaning: a metaphor!" "The +same," said he, and went on. + + "'And tune your soft melodious notes,' + +"Pray observe the gliding of that verse; there is scarce a consonant +in it: I took care to make it run upon liquids. Give me your opinion +of it." "Truly," said I, "I think it as good as the former." "I am very +glad to hear you say so," says he; "but mind the next. + + "'You seem a sister of the Nine, + +"That is," says he, "you seem a sister of the Muses; for, if you look +into ancient authors, you will find it was their opinion that there were +nine of them." "I remember it very well," said I; "but pray proceed." + + "'Or Phoebus' self in petticoats.' + +"Phoebus," says he, "was the god of Poetry. These little instances, Mr. +Bickerstaff, show a gentleman's reading. Then to take off from the air +of learning, which Phoebus and the Muses had given to this first stanza, +you may observe, how it falls all of a sudden into the familiar; 'in +petticoats!' + + "'Or Phoebus' self in petticoats.'" + +"Let us now," says I, "enter upon the second stanza; I find the first +line is still a continuation of the metaphor. + + "'I fancy when your song you sing.'" + +"It is very right," says he; "but pray observe the turn of words in +those two lines. I was a whole hour in adjusting of them, and have still +a doubt upon me whether in the second line it should be, 'Your song you +sing; or, You sing your song?' You shall hear them both: + + "'I fancy, when your song you sing, + Your song you sing with so much art,' + +or, + + "'I fancy, when your song you sing, + You sing your song with so much art.'" + +"Truly," said I, "the turn is so natural either way, that you have made +me almost giddy with it." "Dear sir," said he, grasping me by the hand, +"you have a great deal of patience; but pray what do you think of the +next verse? + + "'Your pen was plucked from Cupid's wing.'" + +"Think!" says I; "I think you have made Cupid look like a little goose." +"That was my meaning," says he: "I think the ridicule is well enough hit +off. But we come now to the last, which sums up the whole matter. + + "'For, ah! it wounds me like his dart.' + +"Pray how do you like that Ah! doth it not make a pretty figure in +that place? Ah!--it looks as if I felt the dart, and cried out at being +pricked with it. + + "'For, ah! it wounds me like his dart.' + +"My friend Dick Easy," continued he, "assured me, he would rather have +written that Ah! than to have been the author of the AEneid. He indeed +objected, that I made Mira's pen like a quill in one of the lines, and +like a dart in the other. But as to that--" "Oh! as to that," says I, +"it is but supposing Cupid to be like a porcupine, and his quills and +darts will be the same thing." He was going to embrace me for the hint; +but half a dozen critics coming into the room, whose faces he did not +like, he conveyed the sonnet into his pocket, and whispered me in the +ear, "he would show it me again as soon as his man had written it over +fair." + + + + +XVII.--FATHERLY CARE. + + +From my own Apartment, June 23. + +Having lately turned my thoughts upon the consideration of the behaviour +of parents to children in the great affair of marriage, I took much +delight in turning over a bundle of letters which a gentleman's steward +in the country had sent me some time ago. This parcel is a collection +of letters written by the children of the family to which he belongs to +their father, and contain all the little passages of their lives, and +the new ideas they received as the years advanced. There is in them +an account of their diversions as well as their exercises; and what I +thought very remarkable is, that two sons of the family, who now make +considerable figures in the world, gave omens of that sort of character +which they now bear in the first rudiments of thought which they show +in their letters. Were one to point out a method of education, one could +not, methinks, frame one more pleasing or improving than this; where the +children get a habit of communicating their thoughts and inclinations +to their best friend with so much freedom, that he can form schemes for +their future life and conduct from an observation of their tempers; and +by that means be early enough in choosing their way of life, to make +them forward in some art or science at an age when others have not +determined what profession to follow. As to the persons concerned in +this packet I am speaking of, they have given great proofs of the force +of this conduct of their father in the effect it has upon their lives +and manners. The older, who is a scholar, showed from his infancy +a propensity to polite studies, and has made a suitable progress in +literature; but his learning is so well woven into his mind, that from +the impressions of it, he seems rather to have contracted a habit of +life than manner of discourse. To his books he seems to owe a good +economy in his affairs, and a complacency in his manners, though in +others that way of education has commonly a quite different effect. The +epistles of the other son are full of accounts of what he thought most +remarkable in his reading. He sends his father for news the last noble +story he had read. I observe he is particularly touched with the conduct +of Codrus, who plotted his own death, because the oracle had said, if he +were not killed, the enemy should prevail over his country. Many other +incidents in his little letters give omens of a soul capable of generous +undertakings; and what makes it the more particular is, that this +gentleman had, in the present war, the honour and happiness of doing an +action for which only it was worth coming into the world. Their father +is the most intimate friend they have; and they always consult him +rather than any other, when any error has happened in their conduct +through youth and inadvertency. The behaviour of this gentleman to his +sons has made his life pass away with the pleasures of a second youth; +for as the vexations which men receive from their children hasten the +approach of age, and double the force of years; so the comforts which +they reap from them, are balm to all other sorrows, and disappoint +the injuries of time. Parents of children repeat their lives in their +offspring; and their concern for them is so near, that they feel all +their sufferings and enjoyments as much as if they regarded their own +proper persons. But it is generally so far otherwise, that the common +race of 'squires in this kingdom use their sons as persons that are +waiting only for their funerals, and spies upon their health and +happiness; as indeed they are, by their own making them such. In cases +where a man takes the liberty after this manner to reprehend others, it +is commonly said, Let him look at home. I am sorry to own it; but +there is one branch of the house of the Bickerstaffs who have been as +erroneous in their conduct this way as any other family whatsoever. The +head of this branch is now in town, and has brought up with him his son +and daughter, who are all the children he has, in order to be put some +way into the world, and see fashions. They are both very ill-bred cubs; +and having lived together from their infancy, without knowledge of the +distinctions and decencies that are proper to be paid to each other's +sex, they squabble like two brothers. The father is one of those who +knows no better than that all pleasure is debauchery, and imagines, when +he sees a man become his estate, that he will certainly spend it. This +branch are a people who never had among them one man eminent either for +good or ill: however, have all along kept their heads just above water, +not by a prudent and regular economy, but by expedients in the matches +they have made in to their house. When one of the family has in the +pursuit of foxes, and in the entertainment of clowns, run out the third +part of the value of his estate, such a spendthrift has dressed up his +eldest son, and married what they call a good fortune: who has supported +the father as a tyrant over them during his life, in the same house or +neighbourhood. The son, in succession, has just taken the same method +to keep up his dignity, till the mortgages he has ate and drank himself +into have reduced him to the necessity of sacrificing his son also, in +imitation of his progenitor. This had been for many generations, the +whole that had happened in the family of Sam Bickerstaff, till the time +of my present cousin Samuel, the father of the young people we have just +now spoken of. + +Samuel Bickerstaff, esquire, is so happy as that by several legacies +from distant relations, deaths of maiden sisters, and other instances +of good fortune, he has besides his real estate, a great sum of ready +money. His son at the same time knows he has a good fortune, which the +father cannot alienate; though he strives to make him believe he depends +only on his will for maintenance. Tom is now in his nineteenth year. +Mrs. Mary in her fifteenth. Cousin Samuel, who understands no one point +of good behaviour as it regards all the rest of the world, is an +exact critic in the dress, the motion, the looks, and gestures, of his +children. What adds to their misery is, that he is excessively fond of +them, and the greatest part of their time is spent in the presence of +this nice observer. Their life is one of continued constraint. The girl +never turns her head, but she is warned not to follow the proud minxes +of the town. The boy is not to turn fop, or be quarrelsome, at the same +time not to take an affront. I had the good fortune to dine with him +to-day, and heard his fatherly table-talk as we sat at dinner, which, +if my memory does not fail me, for the benefit of the world, I shall set +down as he spoke it; which was much as follows, and may be of great use +to those parents who seem to make it a rule, that their children's turn +to enjoy the world is not to commence till they themselves have left it. + +"Now, Tom, I have bought you chambers in the inns of court. I allow you +to take a walk once or twice a day round the garden. If you mind your +business, you need not study to be as great a lawyer as Coke upon +Littleton. I have that that will keep you; but be sure you keep an exact +account of your linen. Write down what you give out to your laundress, +and what she brings home again. Go as little as possible to the other +end of the town; but if you do, come home early. I believe I was as +sharp as you for your years, and I had my hat snatched off my head +coming home late at a stop by St. Clement's church, and I do not know +from that day to this who took it. I do not care if you learn to fence a +little; for I would not have you made a fool of. Let me have an account +of everything, every post; I am willing to be at that charge, and I +think you need not spare your pains. As for you, daughter Molly, do not +mind one word that is said to you in London, for it is only for your +money." + + + + +XVIII.--BICKERSTAFF CENSOR:--CASES IN COURT. + + +From my own Apartment, December 5. + +There is nothing gives a man greater satisfaction than the sense of +having despatched a great deal of business, especially when it turns to +the public emolument. I have much pleasure of this kind upon my spirits +at present, occasioned by the fatigue of affairs which I went through +last Saturday. It is some time since I set apart that day for examining +the pretensions of several who had applied to me for canes, perspective +glasses, snuff-boxes, orange-flower-waters, and the like ornaments of +life. In order to adjust this matter, I had before directed Charles +Lillie of Beaufort Buildings to prepare a great bundle of blank licenses +in the following words: + + +"You are hereby required to permit the bearer of this cane to pass and +repass through the streets and suburbs of London, or any place within +ten miles of it, without let or molestation, provided that he does not +walk with it under his arm, brandish it in the air, or hang it on a +button: in which case it shall be forfeited; and I hereby declare it +forfeited, to any one who shall think it safe to take it from him. + +"ISAAC BICKERSTAFF." + + +The same form, differing only in the provisos, will serve for a +perspective, snuff-box, or perfumed handkerchief. I had placed myself +in my elbow-chair at the upper end of my great parlour, having ordered +Charles Lillie to take his place upon a joint stool, with a writing-desk +before him. John Morphew also took his station at the door; I having, +for his good and faithful services, appointed him my chamber-keeper +upon court days. He let me know that there were a great number attending +without. Upon which I ordered him to give notice, that I did not intend +to sit upon snuff-boxes that day; but that those who appeared for canes +might enter. The first presented me with the following petition, which I +ordered Mr. Lillie to read. + + +"TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN. + +"The humble petition of SIMON TRIPPIT, + +"Showeth, + +"That your petitioner having been bred up to a cane from his youth, it +is now become as necessary to him as any other of his limbs. + +"That, a great part of his behaviour depending upon it, he should be +reduced to the utmost necessities if he should lose the use of it. + +"That the knocking of it upon his shoe, leaning one leg upon it, +or whistling with it on his mouth, are such great reliefs to him in +conversation, that he does not know how to be good company without it. + +"That he is at present engaged in an amour, and must despair of success +if it be taken from him. + +"Your petitioner, therefore, hopes, that the premises tenderly +considered, your Worship will not deprive him of so useful and so +necessary a support. + + "And your petitioner shall ever, etc." + +Upon the hearing of his case, I was touched with some compassion, and +the more so, when, upon observing him nearer, I found he was a prig. I +bade him produce his cane in court, which he had left at the door. He +did so, and I finding it to be very curiously clouded with a transparent +amber head, and a blue riband to hang upon his wrist, I immediately +ordered my clerk Lillie to lay it up, and deliver out to him a plain +joint headed with walnut; and then, in order to wean him from it by +degrees, permitted him to wear it three days in a week, and to abate +proportionably till he found himself able to go alone. + +The second who appeared came limping into the court; and setting forth +in his petition many pretences for the use of a cane, I caused them +to be examined one by one, but finding him in different stories, and +confronting him with several witnesses who had seen him walk upright, +I ordered Mr. Lillie to take in his cane, and rejected his petition as +frivolous. + +A third made his entry with great difficulty, leaning upon a slight +stick, and in danger of falling every step he took. I saw the weakness +of his hams; and I bade him leave his cane, and gave him a new pair +of crutches, with which he went off in great vigour and alacrity. This +gentleman was succeeded by another, who seemed very much pleased while +his petition was reading, in which he had represented, That he was +extremely afflicted with the gout, and set his foot upon the ground with +the caution and dignity which accompany that distemper. I suspected him +for an impostor, and, having ordered him to be searched, I committed +him into the hands of Doctor Thomas Smith in King Street, my own +corn-cutter, who attended in an outward room: and wrought so speedy +a cure upon him, that I thought fit to send him also away without his +cane. + +While I was thus dispensing justice, I heard a noise in my outward room; +and inquiring what was the occasion of it, my door-keeper told me, that +they had taken one up in the very fact as he was passing by my door. +They immediately brought in a lively fresh-coloured young man, who made +great resistance with hand and foot, but did not offer to make use of +his cane, which hung upon his fifth button. Upon examination, I found +him to be an Oxford scholar who was just entered at the Temple. He at +first disputed the jurisdiction of the court; but, being driven out of +his little law and logic, he told me very pertly, "that he looked upon +such a perpendicular creature as man to make a very imperfect figure +without a cane in his hand. It is well known," says he, "we ought, +according to the natural situation of our bodies, to walk upon our hands +and feet: and that the wisdom of the ancients had described man to be an +animal of four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night; by +which they intimated that a cane might very properly become part of us +in some period of life." Upon which I asked him, whether he wore it at +his breast to have it in readiness when that period should arrive. My +young lawyer immediately told me, he had a property in it, and a right +to hang it where he pleased, and to make use of it as he thought fit, +provided that he did not break the peace with it; and farther said, +that he never took it off his button, unless it were to lift it up at a +coachman, hold it over the head of a drawer, point out the circumstances +of a story, or for other services of the like nature, that are all +within the laws of the land. I did not care for discouraging a young +man, who, I saw, would come to good; and, because his heart was set upon +his new purchase, I only ordered him to wear it about his neck, instead +of hanging it upon his button, and so dismissed him. + +There were several appeared in court, whose pretensions I found to be +very good, and, therefore, gave them their licenses upon paying their +fees; as many others had their licenses renewed, who required more time +for recovery of their lameness than I had before allowed them. + +Having despatched this set of my petitioners, there came in a +well-dressed man with a glass tube in one hand, and his petition in the +other. Upon his entering the room, he threw back the right side of his +wig, put forward his right leg, and advancing the glass to his right +eye, aimed it directly at me. In the meanwhile, to make my observations +also, I put on my spectacles, in which posture we surveyed each other +for some time. Upon the removal of our glasses I desired him to read his +petition, which he did very promptly and easily; though at the same time +it set forth that he could see nothing distinctly, and was within very +few degrees of being utterly blind, concluding with a prayer that he +might be permitted to strengthen and extend his sight by a glass. +In answer to this I told him he might sometimes extend it to his own +destruction. "As you are now," said I, "you are out of the reach of +beauty, the shafts of the finest eyes lose their force before they can +come at you; you cannot distinguish a Toast from an orange-wench; +you can see a whole circle of beauty without any interruption from +an impertinent face to discompose you. In short, what are snares for +others--" My petitioner would hear no more, but told me very seriously, +"Mr. Bickerstaff, you quite mistake your man; it is the joy, the +pleasure, the employment, of my life to frequent public assemblies, +and gaze upon the fair." In a word, I found his use of a glass was +occasioned by no other infirmity than his vanity, and was not so much +designed to make him see, as to make him be seen and distinguished by +others. I therefore refused him a license for a perspective, but allowed +him a pair of spectacles, with full permission to use them in any public +assembly as he should think fit. He was followed by so very few of this +order of men that I have reason to hope this sort of cheats are almost +at an end. + +The orange-flower-men appeared next with petitions perfumed so strongly +with musk, that I was almost overcome with the scent; and for my own +sake was obliged forthwith to license their handkerchiefs, especially +when I found they had sweetened them at Charles Lillie's, and that some +of their persons would not be altogether inoffensive without them. John +Morphew, whom I have made the general of my dead men, acquainted me that +the petitioners were all of that order, and could produce certificates +to prove it if I required it. I was so well pleased with this way of +embalming themselves that I commanded the above-said Morphew to give it +in his orders to his whole army, that every one, who did not surrender +himself to be disposed of by the upholders, should use the same method +to keep himself sweet during his present state of putrefaction. + +I finished my session with great content of mind, reflecting upon +the good I had done; for, however slightly men may regard these +particularities, "and little follies in dress and behaviour, they lead +to greater evils. The bearing to be laughed at for such singularities, +teaches us insensibly an impertinent fortitude, and enables us to bear +public censure for things which more substantially deserve it." By +this means they open a gate to folly, and oftentimes render a man so +ridiculous, as discredit his virtues and capacities, and unqualify them +from doing any good in the world. Besides, the giving into uncommon +habits of this nature is a want of that humble deference which is due +to mankind, and, what is worst of all, the certain indication of some +secret flaw in the mind of the person that commits them. When I was a +young man, I remember a gentleman of great integrity and worth, was +very remarkable for wearing a broad belt, and a hanger instead of a +fashionable sword, though in all other points a very well-bred man. I +suspected him at first sight to have something wrong in him, but was not +able for a long time to discover any collateral proofs of it. I watched +him narrowly for six-and-thirty years, when at last, to the surprise of +everybody but myself, who had long expected to see the folly break out, +he married his own cook-maid. + + + ***** + + +Sheer Lane, December 21. + +As soon as I had placed myself in my chair of judicature, I ordered my +clerk, Mr. Lillie, to read to the assembly, who were gathered together +according to notice, a certain declaration, by way of charge, to open +the purpose of my session, which tended only to this explanation, that +as other courts were often called to demand the execution of persons +dead in law; so this was held to give the last orders relating to those +who are dead in reason. The solicitor of the new Company of Upholders, +near the Haymarket, appeared in behalf of that useful society, and +brought in an accusation of a young woman, who herself stood at the +bar before me. Mr. Lillie read her indictment, which was in +substance, "That, whereas Mrs. Rebecca Pindust, of the parish of +Saint Martin-in-the-Fields, had, by the use of one instrument called a +looking-glass, and by the further use of certain attire, made either of +cambric, muslin, or other linen wares, upon her head, attained to such +an evil art and magical force in the motion of her eyes and turn of her +countenance, that she the said Rebecca had put to death several young +men of the said parish; and that the said young men had acknowledged +in certain papers, commonly called love-letters, which were produced +in court, gilded on the edges, and sealed WITH A PARTICULAR WAX, with +certain amorous and enchanting words wrought upon the said seals, that +they died for the said Rebecca: and, whereas the said Rebecca persisted +in the said evil practice; this way of life the said society construed +to be, according to former edicts, a state of death, and demanded an +order for the interment of the said Rebecca." + +I looked upon the maid with great humanity, and desired her to make +answer to what was said against her. She said, "It was indeed true, +that she had practised all the arts and means she could, to dispose +of herself happily in marriage, but thought she did not come under the +censure expressed in my writings for the same; and humbly hoped I would +not condemn her for the ignorance of her accusers, who, according to +their own words, had rather represented her killing than dead." She +further alleged, "That the expressions mentioned in the papers written +to her were become mere words, and that she had been always ready to +marry any of those who said they died for her; but that they made their +escape, as soon as they found themselves pitied or believed." She ended +her discourse by desiring I would for the future settle the meaning of +the words "I die," in letters of love. + +Mrs. Pindust behaved herself with such an air of innocence, that she +easily gained credit, and was acquitted. Upon which occasion I gave +it as a standing rule, "That any person, who in any letter, billet, or +discourse, should tell a woman he died for her, should, if she pleased, +be obliged to live with her, or be immediately interred upon such their +own confessions without bail or mainprize." + +It happened that the very next who was brought before me was one of +her admirers, who was indicted upon that very head. A letter, which he +acknowledged to be his own hand, was read, in which were the following +words, "Cruel creature, I die for you." It was observable that he took +snuff all the time his accusation was reading. I asked him, "how he came +to use these words, if he were not a dead man?" He told me, "he was in +love with the lady, and did not know any other way of telling her so; +and that all his acquaintance took the same method." Though I was moved +with compassion towards him, by reason of the weakness of his parts, +yet for example sake I was forced to answer, "Your sentence shall be a +warning to all the rest of your companions, not to tell lies for want of +wit." Upon this, he began to beat his snuff-box with a very saucy +air; and opening it again, "Faith, Isaac," said he, "thou art a very +unaccountable old fellow--Pr'ythee, who gave thee the power of life +and death? What hast thou to do with ladies and lovers? I suppose thou +wouldst have a man be in company with his mistress, and say nothing +to her. Dost thou call breaking a jest telling a lie? Ha! is that +thy wisdom, old stiffback, ha?" He was going on with this insipid +commonplace mirth, sometimes opening his box, sometimes shutting it, +then viewing the picture on the lid, and then the workmanship of the +hinge, when, in the midst of his eloquence, I ordered his box to be +taken from him; upon which he was immediately struck speechless, and +carried off stone dead. + +The next who appeared was a hale old fellow of sixty. He was brought +in by his relations, who desired leave to bury him. Upon requiring a +distinct account of the prisoner, a credible witness deposed, "that he +always rose at ten of the clock, played with his cat till twelve, smoked +tobacco till one, was at dinner till two, then took another pipe, played +at backgammon till six, talked of one Madame Frances, an old mistress of +his, till eight, repeated the same account at the tavern till ten, then +returned home, took the other pipe, and then to bed." I asked him, +"what he had to say for himself?"--"As to what," said he, "they mention +concerning Madame Frances--" + +I did not care for hearing a Canterbury tale, and, therefore, thought +myself seasonably interrupted by a young gentleman, who appeared in the +behalf of the old man, and prayed an arrest of judgment; "for that he, +the said young man, held certain lands by his the said old man's life." +Upon this, the solicitor of the Upholders took an occasion to demand +him also, and thereupon produced several evidences that witnessed to his +life and conversation. It appeared that each of them divided their +hours in matters of equal moment and importance to themselves and to the +public. They rose at the same hour: while the old man was playing with +his cat, the young one was looking out of his window; while the old man +was smoking his pipe, the young man was rubbing his teeth; while one +was at dinner, the other was dressing; while one was at backgammon, the +other was at dinner; while the old fellow was talking of Madame Frances, +the young one was either at play, or toasting women whom he never +conversed with. The only difference was, that the young man had never +been good for anything; the old man a man of worth before he know Madame +Frances. Upon the whole, I ordered them to be both interred together, +with inscriptions proper to their characters, signifying, that the old +man died in the year 1689, and was buried in the year 1709; and over the +young one it was said, that he departed this world in the twenty-fifth +year of his death. + +The next class of criminals were authors in prose and verse. Those of +them who had produced any stillborn work were immediately dismissed +to their burial, and were followed by others, who notwithstanding some +sprightly issue in their lifetime, had given proofs of their death, +by some posthumous children, that bore no resemblance to their elder +brethren. As for those who were the fathers of a mixed progeny, provided +always they could prove the last to be a live child, they escaped with +life, but not without loss of limbs; for, in this case, I was satisfied +with amputation of the parts which were mortified. + +These were followed by a great crowd of superannuated benchers of the +Inns of Court, senior fellows of colleges, and defunct statesmen: +all whom I ordered to be decimated indifferently, allowing the rest +a reprieve for one year, with a promise of a free pardon in case of +resuscitation. + +There were still great multitudes to be examined; but, finding it very +late, I adjourned the court, not without the secret pleasure that I had +done my duty, and furnished out a handsome execution. + + + ***** + + +Haymarket, December 23. + +Whereas the gentleman that behaved himself in a very disobedient and +obstinate manner at his late trial in Sheer Lane on the twentieth +instant, and was carried off dead upon taking away of his snuff-box, +remains still unburied; the company of Upholders, not knowing otherwise +how they should be paid, have taken his goods in execution to defray +the charge of his funeral. His said effects are to be exposed to sale +by auction, at their office in the Haymarket, on the fourth of January +next, and are as follow:-- + + A very rich tweezer-case, containing twelve instruments for the use + of each hour in the day. + + Four pounds of scented snuff, with three gilt snuff-boxes; one of + them with an invisible hinge, and a looking-glass in the lid. + + Two more of ivory, with the portraitures on their lids of two ladies + of the town; the originals to be seen every night in the side-boxes + of the playhouse. + + A sword with a steel diamond hilt, never drawn but once at May-fair. + + Six clean packs of cards, a quart of orange-flower-water, a pair of + French scissors, a toothpick-case, and an eyebrow brush. + + A large glass-case, containing the linen and clothes of the + deceased; among which are, two embroidered suits, a pocket + perspective, a dozen pair of RED-HEELED SHOES, three pair of RED + SILK STOCKINGS, and an amber-headed cane. + + The strong box of the deceased, wherein were found five billet-doux, + a Bath shilling, a crooked sixpence, a silk garter, a lock of hair, + and three broken fans. + +A press for books; containing on the upper shelf-- + + Three bottles of diet-drink. + Two boxes of pills. + A syringe, and other mathematical instruments. + +On the second shelf are several miscellaneous works, as + + Lampoons. + Plays. + Tailors' bills. + And an almanack for the year seventeen hundred. + +On the third shelf-- + + A bundle of letters unopened, indorsed, in the hand of the deceased, + "Letters from the old Gentleman." + Lessons for the flute. + Toland's "Christianity not mysterious;" and a paper filled with + patterns of several fashionable stuffs. + +On the lowest shelf-- + + One shoe. + A pair of snuffers. + A French grammar. + A mourning hat-band; and half a bottle of usquebaugh. + +There will be added to these goods, to make a complete auction, a +collection of gold snuff-boxes and clouded canes, which are to continue +in fashion for three months after the sale. + +The whole are to be set up and prized by Charles Bubbleboy, who is to +open the auction with a speech. + + + +I find I am so very unhappy, that, while I am busy in correcting the +folly and vice of one sex, several exorbitances break out in the other. +I have not thoroughly examined their new fashioned petticoats, but +shall set aside one day in the next week for that purpose. The following +petition on this subject was presented to me this morning:-- + + +"The humble petition of William Jingle, Coach-maker and Chair-maker, of +the Liberty of Westminster: + +"TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN: + +"Showeth, + +"That upon the late invention of Mrs. Catharine Cross-stitch, +mantua-maker, the petticoats of ladies were too wide for entering into +any coach or chair, which was in use before the said invention. + +"That for the service of the said ladies, your petitioner has built +a round chair, in the form of a lantern, six yards and a half in +circumference, with a stool in the centre of it: the said vehicle being +so contrived, as to receive the passenger by opening in two in the +middle, and closing mathematically when she is seated. + +"That your petitioner has also invented a coach for the reception of one +lady only, who is to be let in at the top. + +"That the said coach has been tried by a lady's woman in one of these +full petticoats, who was let down from a balcony, and drawn up again by +pulleys, to the great satisfaction of her lady, and all who behold her. + +"Your petitioner, therefore, most humbly prays, that for the +encouragement of ingenuity and useful inventions, he may be heard before +you pass sentence upon the petticoats aforesaid. + +"And your petitioner," etc. + + +I have likewise received a female petition, signed by several thousands, +praying that I would not any longer defer giving judgment in the case of +the petticoat, many of them having put off the making new clothes, till +such time as they know what verdict will pass upon it. I do, therefore, +hereby certify to all whom it may concern, that I do design to set apart +Tuesday next for the final determination of that matter, having already +ordered a jury of matrons to be impannelled, for the clearing up of any +difficult points that may arise in the trial. + + + ***** + + +*** Being informed that several dead men in and about this city do keep +out of the way and abscond, for fear of being buried; and being willing +to respite their interment, in consideration of their families, and in +hopes of their amendment, I shall allow them certain privileged places, +where they may appear to one another, without causing any let or +molestation to the living, or receiving any, in their own persons, from +the company of Upholders. Between the hours of seven and nine in the +morning, they may appear in safety at Saint James's coffee-house, or at +White's, if they do not keep their beds, which is more proper for men in +their condition. From nine to eleven I allow them to walk from Story's +to Rosamond's pond in the Park or in any other public walks which are +not frequented by the living at that time. Between eleven and three they +are to vanish, and keep out of sight till three in the afternoon, at +which time they may go to 'Change till five; and then, if they please, +divert themselves at the Haymarket, or Drury Lane until the play begins. +It is further granted in favour of these persons, that they may be +received at any table, where there are more present than seven in +number: provided that they do not take upon them to talk, judge, +commend, or find fault with any speech, action, or behaviour of the +living. In which case it shall be lawful to seize their persons at +any place or hour whatsoever, and to convey their bodies to the +next undertaker's; anything in this advertisement to the contrary +notwithstanding. + + + ***** + + +Sheer Lane, January 4. + +The court being prepared for proceeding on the cause of the petticoat, I +gave orders to bring in a criminal, who was taken up as she went out +of the puppet-show about three nights ago, and was now standing in the +street, with a great concourse of people about her. Word was brought me +that she had endeavoured twice or thrice to come in, but could not do it +by reason of her petticoat, which was too large for the entrance of my +house, though I had ordered both the folding-doors to be thrown open for +its reception. Upon this, I desired the jury of matrons, who stood at my +right hand, to inform themselves whether there were any private reasons +why she might not make her appearance separate from her petticoat. This +was managed with great discretion, and had such an effect, that upon the +return of the verdict from the bench of matrons, I issued out an order +forthwith, "that the criminal should be stripped of her encumbrances +till she became little enough to enter my house." I had before given +directions for an engine of several legs that could contract or open +itself like the top of an umbrella, in order to place the petticoat upon +it, by which means I might take a leisurely survey of it, as it should +appear in its proper dimensions. This was all done accordingly; and +forthwith, upon the closing of the engine, the petticoat was brought +into court. I then directed the machine to be set upon the table +and dilated in such a manner as to show the garment in its utmost +circumference; but my great hall was too narrow for the experiment; for +before it was half unfolded, it described so immoderate a circle, +that the lower part of it brushed upon my face as I sat in my chair +of judicature. I then inquired for the person that belonged to the +petticoat; and to my great surprise, was directed to a very beautiful +young damsel, with so pretty a face and shape, that I bid her come out +of the crowd, and seated her upon a little crock at my left hand. "My +pretty maid," said I, "do you own yourself to have been the inhabitant +of the garment before us?" The girl, I found, had good sense, and told +me with a smile, that, "notwithstanding it was her own petticoat, she +should be very glad to see an example made of it; and that she wore it +for no other reason, but that she had a mind to look as big and burly as +other persons of her quality; that she had kept out of it as long as +she could, and till she began to appear little in the eyes of her +acquaintance; that, if she laid it aside, people would think she was not +made like other women." I always give great allowances to the fair sex +upon account of the fashion, and, therefore, was not displeased with +the defence of the pretty criminal. I then ordered the vest which stood +before us to be drawn up by a pulley to the top of my great hall, and +afterwards to be spread open by the engine it was placed upon, in such a +manner, that it formed a very splendid and ample canopy over our heads, +and covered the whole court of judicature with a kind of silken rotunda, +in its form not unlike the cupola of St. Paul's. I entered upon the +whole cause with great satisfaction as I sat under the shadow of it. + +The counsel for the petticoat were now called in, and ordered to produce +what they had to say against the popular cry which was raised against +it. They answered the objections with great strength and solidity of +argument, and expatiated in very florid harangues, which they did not +fail to set off and furbelow, if I may be allowed the metaphor, with +many periodical sentences and turns of oratory. The chief arguments for +their client were taken, first, from the great benefit that might arise +to our woollen manufactory from this invention, which was calculated +as follows. The common petticoat has not above four yards in +the circumference; whereas this over our heads had more in the +semi-diameter; so that, by allowing it twenty-four yards in the +circumference, the five millions of woollen petticoats, which, +according to Sir William Petty, supposing what ought to be supposed in +a well-governed state, that all petticoats are made of that stuff, would +amount to thirty millions of those of the ancient mode: a prodigious +improvement of the woollen trade! and what could not fail to sink the +power of France in a few years. + +To introduce the second argument, they begged leave to read a petition +of the ropemakers, wherein it was represented, "that the demand for +cords, and the price of them, were much risen since this fashion came +up." At this, all the company who were present lifted up their eyes into +the vault; and I must confess, we did discover many traces of cordage, +which were interwoven in the stiffening of the drapery. + +A third argument was founded upon a petition of the Greenland trade, +which likewise represented the great consumption of whalebone which +would be occasioned by the present fashion, and the benefit which would +thereby accrue to that branch of the British trade. + +To conclude, they gently touched upon the weight and unwieldiness of the +garment, which they insinuated might be of great use. + +These arguments would have wrought very much upon me, as I then told +the company in a long and elaborate discourse, had I not considered +the great and additional expense which such fashions would bring upon +fathers and husbands; and, therefore, by no means to be thought of till +some years after a peace. I further urged, that it would be a prejudice +to the ladies themselves, who could never expect to have any money in +the pocket if they laid out so much on the petticoat. + +At the same time, in answer to the several petitions produced on +that side, I showed one subscribed by the women of several persons of +quality, humbly setting forth, "that, since the introduction of this +mode, their respective ladies had, instead of bestowing on them their +cast gowns, cut them into shreds, and mixed them with the cordage and +buckram, to complete the stiffening of their under petticoats." +For which, and sundry other reasons, I pronounced the petticoat a +forfeiture; but to show that I did not make that judgment for the sake +of filthy lucre, I ordered it to be folded up, and sent it as a present +to a widow-gentlewoman who has five daughters, desiring she would make +each of them a petticoat out of it, and send me back the remainder, +which I design to cut into stomachers, caps, facings of my +waistcoat-sleeves, and other garnitures suitable to my age and quality. + +I would not be understood that, while I discard this monstrous +invention, I am an enemy to the proper ornaments of the fair sex. On the +contrary, as the hand of nature has poured on them such a profusion +of charms and graces, and sent them into the world more amiable and +finished than the rest of her works; so I would have them bestow upon +themselves all the additional beauties that art can supply them with; +provided it does not interfere with disguise, or pervert those of +nature. + +I consider woman as a beautiful romantic animal, that may be adorned +with furs and feathers, pearls and diamonds, ores and silks. The lynx +shall cast its skin at her feet to make her a tippet; the peacock, +parrot, and swan shall pay contributions to her muff; the sea shall be +searched for shells, and the rocks for gems; and every part of nature +furnish out its share towards the embellishment of a creature that is +the most consummate work of it. All this I shall indulge them in; but as +for the petticoat I have been speaking of, I neither can nor will allow +it. + + + + +XIX.--OF MEN WHO ARE NOT THEIR OWN MASTERS. + + +From my own Apartment, June 2. + +I have received a letter which accuses me of partiality in the +administration of the censorship; and says, that I have been very +free with the lower part of mankind, but extremely cautious in +representations of matters which concern men of condition. This +correspondent takes upon him also to say, the upholsterer was not undone +by turning politician, but became bankrupt by trusting his goods to +persons of quality; and demands of me, that I should do justice upon +such as brought poverty and distress upon the world below them, while +they themselves were sunk in pleasures and luxury, supported at the +expense of those very persons whom they treated with a negligence, as +if they did not know whether they dealt with them or not. This is a very +heavy accusation, both of me and such as the man aggrieved accuses me +of tolerating. For this reason, I resolved to take this matter into +consideration; and, upon very little meditation, could call to my memory +many instances which made this complaint far from being groundless. The +root of this evil does not always proceed from injustice in the men of +figure, but often from a false grandeur which they take upon them in +being unacquainted with their own business; not considering how mean +a part they act when their names and characters are subjected to the +little arts of their servants and dependants. The overseers of the poor +are a people who have no great reputation for the discharge of their +trust, but are much less scandalous than the overseers of the rich. Ask +a young fellow of a great estate, who was that odd fellow that spoke to +him in a public place? he answers, "one that does my business." It is, +with many, a natural consequence of being a man of fortune, that they +are not to understand the disposal of it; and they long to come to their +estates, only to put themselves under new guardianship. Nay, I have +known a young fellow, who was regularly bred an attorney, and was a +very expert one till he had an estate fallen to him. The moment that +happened, he, who could before prove the next land he cast his eye upon +his own; and was so sharp, that a man at first sight would give him a +small sum for a general receipt, whether he owed him anything or not: +such a one, I say, have I seen, upon coming to an estate, forget all his +diffidence of mankind, and become the most manageable thing breathing. +He immediately wanted a stirring man to take upon him his affairs; to +receive and pay, and do everything which he himself was now too fine a +gentleman to understand. It is pleasant to consider, that he who would +have got an estate, had he not come to one, will certainly starve +because one fell to him; but such contradictions are we to ourselves, +and any change of life is insupportable to some natures. + +It is a mistaken sense of superiority to believe a figure, or equipage, +gives men precedence to their neighbours. Nothing can create respect +from mankind, but laying obligations upon them; and it may very +reasonably be concluded, that if it were put into a due balance, +according to the true state of the account, many who believe themselves +in possession of a large share of dignity in the world, must give place +to their inferiors. The greatest of all distinctions in civil life is +that of debtor and creditor; and there needs no great progress in logic +to know which, in that case, is the advantageous side. He who can say +to another, "Pray, master," or "pray, my lord, give me my own," can as +justly tell him, "It is a fantastical distinction you take upon you, to +pretend to pass upon the world for my master or lord, when, at the same +time that I wear your livery, you owe me wages; or, while I wait at your +door, you are ashamed to see me till you have paid my bill." + +The good old way among the gentry of England to maintain their +pre-eminence over the lower rank, was by their bounty, munificence, +and hospitality; and it is a very unhappy change, if at present, by +themselves or their agents, the luxury of the gentry is supported by the +credit of the trader. This is what my correspondent pretends to prove +out of his own books, and those of his whole neighbourhood. He has the +confidence to say, that there is a mug-house near Long Acre, where you +may every evening hear an exact account of distresses of this kind. One +complains that such a lady's finery is the occasion that his own wife +and daughter appear so long in the same gown. Another, that all the +furniture of her visiting apartment are no more hers than the scenery of +a play are the proper goods of the actress. Nay, at the lower end of the +same table, you may hear a butcher and a poulterer say, that, at their +proper charge, all that family has been maintained since they last came +to town. + +The free manner in which people of fashion are discoursed on at such +meetings is but a just reproach for their failures in this kind; but the +melancholy relations of the great necessities tradesmen are driven to, +who support their credit in spite of the faithless promises which +are made them, and the abatement which they suffer when paid by the +extortion of upper servants, is what would stop the most thoughtless man +in the career of his pleasures, if rightly represented to him. + +If this matter be not very speedily amended, I shall think fit to print +exact lists of all persons who are not at their own disposal, though +above the age of twenty-one; and as the trader is made bankrupt for +absence from his abode, so shall the gentleman for being at home, if, +when Mr. Morphew calls, he cannot give him an exact account of what +passes in his own family. After this fair warning, no one ought to think +himself hardly dealt with, if I take upon me to pronounce him no longer +master of his estate, wife, or family, than he continues to improve, +cherish, and maintain them upon the basis of his own property, without +incursions upon his neighbour in any of these particulars. + +According to that excellent philosopher Epictetus, we are all but acting +parts in a play; and it is not a distinction in itself to be high or +low, but to become the parts we are to perform. I am, by my office, +prompter on this occasion, and shall give those who are a little out in +their parts such soft hints as may help them to proceed, without letting +it be known to the audience they were out; but if they run quite out +of character, they must be called off the stage, and receive parts more +suitable to their genius. Servile complaisance shall degrade a man from +his honour and quality, and haughtiness be yet more debased. Fortune +shall no longer appropriate distinctions, but nature direct us in the +disposition both of respect and discountenance. As there are tempers +made for command and others for obedience, so there are men born for +acquiring possessions, and others incapable of being other than mere +lodgers in the houses of their ancestors, and have it not in their very +composition to be proprietors of anything. These men are moved only by +the mere effects of impulse: their good-will and disesteem are to be +regarded equally, for neither is the effect of their judgment. This +loose temper is that which makes a man, what Sallust so well remarks +to happen frequently in the same person, to be covetous of what is +another's, and profuse of what is his own. This sort of men is usually +amiable to ordinary eyes; but, in the sight of reason, nothing is +laudable but what is guided by reason. The covetous prodigal is of all +others the worst man in society. If he would but take time to look into +himself, he would find his soul all over gashed with broken vows +and promises; and his retrospect on his actions would not consist of +reflections upon those good resolutions after mature thought, which +are the true life of a reasonable creature, but the nauseous memory of +imperfect pleasures, idle dreams, and occasional amusements. To follow +such dissatisfying pursuits is it possible to suffer the ignominy of +being unjust? I remember in Tully's Epistle, in the recommendation of a +man to an affair which had no manner of relation to money, it is said, +"You may trust him, for he is a frugal man." It is certain, he who has +not a regard to strict justice in the commerce of life, can be capable +of no good action in any other kind; but he who lives below his income, +lays up every moment of life armour against a base world, that will +cover all his frailties while he is so fortified, and exaggerate them +when he is naked and defenceless. + + +ADVERTISEMENT. + +*** A stage-coach sets out exactly at six from Nando's coffee-house to +Mr. Tiptoe's dancing-school, and returns at eleven every evening, for +one shilling and four-pence. + +N.B.--Dancing shoes, not exceeding four inches height in the heel, +and periwigs, not exceeding three feet in length, are carried in the +coach-box gratis. + + + + +XX.--FALSE DOCTORING. + + +From my own Apartment, October 20. + +I do not remember that in any of my lucubrations I have touched upon +that useful science of physic, notwithstanding I have declared myself +more than once a professor of it. I have indeed joined the study of +astrology with it, because I never knew a physician recommend himself +to the public who had not a sister art to embellish his knowledge in +medicine. It has been commonly observed, in compliment to the ingenious +of our profession, that Apollo was god of verse as well as physic; and +in all ages, the most celebrated practitioners of our country were the +particular favourites of the Muses. Poetry to physic is indeed like the +gilding to a pill; it makes the art shine, and covers the severity of +the doctor with the agreeableness of the companion. + +The very foundation of poetry is good sense, if we may allow Horace to +be a judge of the art. + + "Scribendi recte sapere est et principium et fons." + HOR. ARS POET. 309. + + "Such judgment is the ground of writing well." + ROSCOMMON. + +And if so, we have reason to believe that the same man who writes well +can prescribe well, if he has applied himself to the study of both. +Besides, when we see a man making profession of two different sciences, +it is natural for us to believe he is no pretender in that which we are +not judges of, when we find him skilful in that which we understand. + +Ordinary quacks and charlatans are thoroughly sensible how necessary it +is to support themselves by these collateral assistances, and therefore +always lay their claim to some supernumerary accomplishments, which are +wholly foreign to their profession. + +About twenty years ago, it was impossible to walk the streets without +having an advertisement thrust into your hand, of a doctor "who +was arrived at the knowledge of the 'Green and Red Dragon,' and had +discovered the female fern-seed." Nobody ever knew what this meant; but +the "Green and Red Dragon" so amused the people, that the doctor lived +very comfortably upon them. About the same time there was pasted a very +hard word upon every corner of the streets. This, to the best of my +remembrance, was + + TETRACHYMAGOGON, + +which drew great shoals of spectators about it, who read the bill that +it introduced with unspeakable curiosity; and when they were sick, would +have nobody but this learned man for their physician. + +I once received an advertisement of one "who had studied thirty years +by candle-light for the good of his countrymen." He might have studied +twice as long by daylight and never have been taken notice of. But +elucubrations cannot be over-valued. There are some who have gained +themselves great reputation for physic by their birth, as the "seventh +son of a seventh son," and others by not being born at all, as the +unborn doctor, who I hear is lately gone the way of his patients, having +died worth five hundred pounds per annum, though he was not born to a +halfpenny. + +My ingenious friend, Doctor Saffold, succeeded my old contemporary, +Doctor Lilly, in the studies both of physic and astrology, to which +he added that of poetry, as was to be seen both upon the sign where he +lived, and in the pills which he distributed. He was succeeded by Doctor +Case, who erased the verses of his predecessor out of the sign-post, and +substituted in their stead two of his own, which were as follow:-- + + "Within this place + Lives Doctor Case." + +He is said to have got more by this distich than Mr. Dryden did by all +his works. There would be no end of enumerating the several imaginary +perfections and unaccountable artifices by which this tribe of men +ensnare the minds of the vulgar and gain crowds of admirers. I have seen +the whole front of a mountebank's stage from one end to the other, +faced with patents, certificates, medals, and great seals, by which the +several princes of Europe have testified their particular respect and +esteem for the doctor. Every great man with a sounding title has been +his patient. I believe I have seen twenty mountebanks that have given +physic to the Czar of Muscovy. The Great Duke of Tuscany escapes no +better. The Elector of Brandenburg was likewise a very good patient. + +This great condescension of the doctor draws upon him much good-will +from his audience; and it is ten to one but if any of them be troubled +with an aching tooth, his ambition will prompt him to get it drawn by a +person who has had so many princes, kings, and emperors under his hands. + +I must not leave this subject without observing that, as physicians are +apt to deal in poetry, apothecaries endeavour to recommend themselves +by oratory, and are therefore, without controversy, the most eloquent +persons in the whole British nation. I would not willingly discourage +any of the arts, especially that of which I am an humble professor; but +I must confess, for the good of my native country, I could wish there +might be a suspension of physic for some years, that our kingdom, which +has been so much exhausted by the wars, might have leave to recruit +itself. + +As for myself, the only physic which has brought me safe to almost the +age of man, and which I prescribe to all my friends, is Abstinence. This +is certainly the best physic for prevention, and very often the most +effectual against a present distemper. In short, my recipe is "Take +nothing." + +Were the body politic to be physicked like particular persons, I should +venture to prescribe to it after the same manner. I remember when our +whole island was shaken with an earthquake some years ago, there was +an impudent mountebank who sold pills, which, as he told the country +people, were "very good against an earthquake." It may, perhaps, +be thought as absurd to prescribe a diet for the allaying popular +commotions and national ferments. But I am verily persuaded that if in +such a case a whole people were to enter into a course of abstinence, +and eat nothing but water-gruel for a fortnight, it would abate the rage +and animosity of parties, and not a little contribute to the care of +a distracted nation. Such a fast would have a natural tendency to the +procuring of those ends, for which a fast is usually proclaimed. If any +man has a mind to enter on such a voluntary abstinence, it might not be +improper to give him the caution of Pythagoras in particular, Abstine a +fabis, "Abstain from beans," that is, say the interpreters, "Meddle not +with elections," beans having been made use of by the voters among the +Athenians in the choice of magistrates. + + + + +XXI.--DRINKING. + + +From my own Apartment, October 23. + +A method of spending one's time agreeably is a thing so little studied, +that the common amusement of our young gentlemen, especially of such as +are at a distance from those of the first breeding, is Drinking. This +way of entertainment has custom on its side; but as much as it has +prevailed, I believe there have been very few companies that have been +guilty of excess this way, where there have not happened more accidents +which make against than for the continuance of it. It is very common +that events arise from a debauch which are fatal, and always such as +are disagreeable. With all a man's reason and good sense about him, his +tongue is apt to utter things out of mere gaiety of heart, which may +displease his best friends. Who then would trust himself to the power of +wine without saying more against it, than that it raises the imagination +and depresses the judgment? Were there only this single consideration, +that we are less masters of ourselves when we drink in the least +proportion above the exigencies of thirst, I say, were this all that +could be objected, it were sufficient to make us abhor this vice. But +we may go on to say, that as he who drinks but a little is not master of +himself, so he who drinks much is a slave to himself. As for my part, I +ever esteemed a drunkard of all vicious persons the most vicious: for if +our actions are to be weighed and considered according to the +intention of them, what cannot we think of him, who puts himself into a +circumstance wherein he can have no intention at all, but incapacitates +himself for the duties and offices of life by a suspension of all his +faculties? If a man considered that he cannot, under the oppression of +drink, be a friend, a gentleman, a master, or a subject: that he has so +long banished himself from all that is dear, and given up all that is +sacred to him: he would even then think of a debauch with horror. +But when he looks still further and acknowledges that he is not only +expelled out of all the relations of life, but also liable to offend +against them all; what words can express the terror and detestation he +would have of such a condition? And yet he owns all this of himself who +says he was drunk last night. + +As I have all along persisted in it, that all the vicious in general +are in a state of death; so I think I may add to the non-existence of +drunkards, that they died by their own hands. He is certainly as guilty +of suicide who perishes by a slow, as he that is despatched by an +immediate, poison. In my last lucubration I proposed the general use of +water gruel, and hinted that it might not be amiss at this very season. +But as there are some whose cases, in regard to their families, will not +admit of delay, I have used my interest in several wards of the city, +that the wholesome restorative above-mentioned may be given in tavern +kitchens to all the morning draughtsmen within the walls when they +call for wine before noon. For a further restraint and mark upon such +persons, I have given orders, that in all the offices where policies are +drawn upon lives, it shall be added to the article which prohibits that +the nominee should cross the sea, the words, "Provided also, that the +above-mentioned A. B. shall not drink before dinner during the term +mentioned in this indenture." + +I am not without hopes, that by this method I shall bring some unsizable +friends of mine into shape and breadth, as well as others, who +are languid and consumptive, into health and vigour. Most of the +self-murderers whom I yet hinted at are such as preserve a certain +regularity in taking their poison, and make it mix pretty well with +their food. But the most conspicuous of those who destroy themselves, +are such as in their youth fall into this sort of debauchery; and +contract a certain uneasiness of spirit, which is not to be diverted +but by tippling as often as they can fall into company in the day, and +conclude with downright drunkenness at night. These gentlemen never +know the satisfaction of youth, but skip the years of manhood, and are +decrepit soon after they are of age. I was godfather to one of these old +fellows. He is now three-and-thirty, which is the grand climacteric of +a young drunkard. I went to visit the wretch this morning, with no other +purpose but to rally him under the pain and uneasiness of being sober. + +But as our faults are double when they affect others besides ourselves, +so this vice is still more odious in a married than a single man. He +that is the husband of a woman of honour, and comes home overloaded with +wine, is still more contemptible in proportion to the regard we have to +the unhappy consort of his bestiality. The imagination cannot shape +to itself anything more monstrous and unnatural than the familiarities +between drunkenness and chastity. The wretched Astraea, who is the +perfection of beauty and innocence, has long been thus condemned for +life. The romantic tales of virgins devoted to the jaws of monsters, +have nothing in them so terrible as the gift of Astraea to that +Bacchanal. + + + + +XXII.--NIGHT AND DAY. + + +From my own Apartment, December 13. + +An old friend of mine being lately come to town, I went to see him on +Tuesday last about eight o'clock in the evening, with a design to sit +with him an hour or two and talk over old stories; but, upon inquiring +after him, his servant told me he was just gone to bed. The next +morning, as soon as I was up and dressed, and had despatched a little +business, I came again to my friend's house about eleven o'clock, with a +design to renew my visit: but, upon asking for him, his servant told me +he was just sat down to dinner. In short, I found that my old-fashioned +friend religiously adhered to the example of his forefathers, and +observed the same hours that had been kept in the family ever since the +Conquest. + +It is very plain that the night was much longer formerly in this island +than it is at present. By the night, I mean that portion of time which +Nature has thrown into darkness, and which the wisdom of mankind had +formerly dedicated to rest and silence. This used to begin at eight +o'clock in the evening, and conclude at six in the morning. The curfew, +or eight o'clock bell, was the signal throughout the nation for putting +out their candles and going to bed. + +Our grandmothers, though they were wont to sit up the last in the +family, were all of them fast asleep at the same hours that their +daughters are busy at crimp and basset. Modern statesmen are concerting +schemes, and engaged in the depth of politics, at the time when their +forefathers were laid down quietly to rest and had nothing in their +heads but dreams. As we have thus thrown business and pleasure into the +hours of rest, and by that means made the natural night but half as long +as it should be, we are forced to piece it out with a great part of +the morning; so that near two-thirds of the nation lie fast asleep for +several hours in broad day-light. This irregularity is grown so very +fashionable at present, that there is scarcely a lady of quality in +Great Britain that ever saw the sun rise. And, if the humour increases +in proportion to what it has done of late years, it is not impossible +but our children may hear the bell-man going about the streets at nine +o'clock in the morning, and the watch making their rounds till eleven. +This unaccountable disposition in mankind to continue awake in the night +and sleep in sunshine, has made me inquire, whether the same change +of inclination has happened to any other animals? For this reason, I +desired a friend of mine in the country to let me know whether the lark +rises as early as he did formerly; and whether the cock begins to crow +at his usual hour? My friend has answered me, "that his poultry are +as regular as ever, and that all the birds and the beasts of his +neighbourhood keep the same hours that they have observed in the memory +of man; and the same which in all probability they have kept for these +five thousand years." + +If you would see the innovations that have been made among us in this +particular, you may only look into the hours of colleges, where they +still dine at eleven, and sup at six, which were doubtless the hours +of the whole nation at the time when those places were founded. But at +present, the courts of justice are scarce opened in Westminster Hall at +the time when William Rufus used to go to dinner in it. All business is +driven forward. The landmarks of our fathers, if I may so call them, are +removed, and planted farther up into the day; insomuch, that I am afraid +our clergy will be obliged, if they expect full congregations, not to +look any more upon ten o'clock in the morning as a canonical hour. In +my own memory, the dinner has crept by degrees from twelve o'clock to +three, and where it will fix nobody knows. + +I have sometimes thought to draw up a memorial in the behalf of Supper +against Dinner, setting forth, that the said Dinner has made several +encroachments upon the said Supper, and entered very far upon his +frontiers; that he has banished him out of several families, and in all +has driven him from his headquarters, and forced him to make his retreat +into the hours of midnight; and, in short, that he is now in danger of +being entirely confounded and lost in a breakfast. Those who have read +Lucian, and seen the complaints of the letter T against S, upon account +of many injuries and usurpations of the same nature, will not, I +believe, think such a memorial forced and unnatural. If dinner has been +thus postponed, or, if you please, kept back from time to time, you may +be sure that it has been in compliance with the other business of the +day, and that supper has still observed a proportionable distance. There +is a venerable proverb which we have all of us heard in our infancy, of +"putting the children to bed, and laying the goose to the fire." This +was one of the jocular sayings of our forefathers, but maybe properly +used in the literal sense at present. Who would not wonder at this +perverted relish of those who are reckoned the most polite part of +mankind, that prefer sea-coals and candles to the sun, and exchange so +many cheerful morning hours, for the pleasures of midnight revels and +debauches? If a man was only to consult his health, he would choose to +live his whole time, if possible, in daylight, and to retire out of +the world into silence and sleep, while the raw damps and unwholesome +vapours fly abroad, without a sun to disperse, moderate, or control +them. For my own part, I value an hour in the morning as much as common +libertines do an hour at midnight. When I find myself awakened into +being, and perceive my life renewed within me, and at the same time see +the whole face of nature recovered out of the dark uncomfortable state +in which it lay for several hours, my heart overflows with such secret +sentiments of joy and gratitude, as are a kind of implicit praise to the +great Author of Nature. The mind, in these early seasons of the day, is +so refreshed in all its faculties, and borne up with such new supplies +of animal spirits, that she finds herself in a state of youth, +especially when she is entertained with the breath of flowers, the +melody of birds, the dews that hang upon the plants, and all those other +sweets of nature that are peculiar to the morning. + +It is impossible for a man to have this relish of being, this exquisite +taste of life, who does not come into the world before it is in all its +noise and hurry; who loses the rising of the sun, the still hours of the +day, and, immediately upon his first getting up plunges himself into the +ordinary cares or follies of the world. + +I shall conclude this paper with Milton's inimitable description of +Adam's awakening his Eve in Paradise, which indeed would have been a +place as little delightful as a barren heath or desert to those who +slept in it. The fondness of the posture in which Adam is represented, +and the softness of his whisper, are passages in this divine poem that +are above all commendation, and rather to be admired than praised. + + Now Morn, her rosy steps in the eastern clime, + Advancing, sowed the earth with orient pearl, + When Adam waked, so customed; for his sleep + Was airy light from pure digestion bred, + And temperate vapours bland; which the only sound + Of leaves and fuming rills, Aurora's fan, + Lightly dispersed, and the shrill matin song + Of birds on every bough; so much the more + His wonder was to find unwakened Eve, + With tresses discomposed, and glowing cheek, + As through unquiet rest. He on his side + Leaning half-raised, with looks of cordial love, + Hung over her enamoured, and beheld + Beauty, which, whether waking or asleep, + Shot forth peculiar graces. Then, with voice + Mild as when Zephyrus on Flora breathes, + Her hand soft touching, whispered thus: "Awake, + My fairest, my espoused, my latest found, + Heaven's last, best gift, my ever-new delight, + Awake; the morning shines, and the fresh field + Calls us; we lose the prime, to mark how spring + Our tended plants, how blows the citron grove, + What drops the myrrh, and what the balmy reed, + How Nature paints her colours, how the bee + Sits on the bloom extracting liquid sweet." + Such whispering waked her, but with startled eye + On Adam, whom embracing, thus she spake: + "O soul! in whom my thoughts find all repose, + My glory, my perfection, glad I see + Thy face, and morn returned." + PAR. LOST, V.1. + + + + +XXIII.--TWO OLD LADIES. + + +From my own Apartment, December 20, 1710. + +It would be a good appendix to "The Art of Living and Dying" if any +one would write "The Art of growing Old," and teach men to resign their +pretensions to the pleasures and gallantries of youth in proportion +to the alteration they find in themselves by the approach of age and +infirmities. The infirmities of this stage of life would be much fewer +if we did not affect those which attend the more vigorous and active +part of our days; but instead of studying to be wiser, or being +contented with our present follies, the ambition of many of us is also +to be the same sort of fools we formerly have been. I have often argued, +as I am a professed lover of women, that our sex grows old with a much +worse grace than the other does; and have ever been of opinion that +there are more well-pleased old women than old men. I thought it a good +reason for this, that the ambition of the fair sex being confined to +advantageous marriages, or shining in the eyes of men, their parts were +over sooner, and consequently the errors in the performance of them. The +conversation of this evening has not convinced me of the contrary; for +one or two fop-women shall not make a balance for the crowd of coxcombs +among ourselves, diversified according to the different pursuits of +pleasure and business. + +Returning home this evening, a little before my usual hour, I scarce had +seated myself in my easy-chair, stirred the fire, and stroked my cat, +but I heard somebody come rumbling upstairs. I saw my door opened, and a +human figure advancing towards me so fantastically put together that it +was some minutes before I discovered it to be my old and intimate friend +Sam Trusty. Immediately I rose up, and placed him in my own seat; a +compliment I pay to few. The first thing he uttered was, "Isaac, fetch +me a cup of your cherry brandy before you offer to ask any question." He +drank a lusty draught, sat silent for some time, and at last broke out: +"I am come," quoth he, "to insult thee for an old fantastic dotard, as +thou art, in ever defending the women. I have this evening visited +two widows, who are now in that state I have often heard you call an +after-life; I suppose you mean by it an existence which grows out of +past entertainments, and is an untimely delight in the satisfactions +which they once set their hearts upon too much to be ever able to +relinquish. Have but patience," continued he, "till I give you a +succinct account of my ladies and of this night's adventure. They are +much of an age, but very different in their characters. The one of +them, with all the advances which years have made upon her, goes on in a +certain romantic road of love and friendship, which she fell into in her +teens; the other has transferred the amorous passions of her first years +to the love of cronies, pets, and favourites, with which she is always +surrounded; but the genius of each of them will best appear by the +account of what happened to me at their houses. About five this +afternoon, being tired with study, the weather inviting, and time +lying a little upon my hands, I resolved, at the instigation of my evil +genius, to visit them; their husbands having been our contemporaries. +This I thought I could do without much trouble; for both live in the +very next street. I went first to my lady Camomile; and the butler, who +had lived long in the family, and seen me often in his master's time, +ushered me very civilly into the parlour, and told me, though my lady +had given strict orders to be denied, he was sure I might be admitted, +and bid the black boy acquaint his lady that I was come to wait upon +her. In the window lay two letters; one broken open, the other fresh +sealed with a wafer; the first directed to the divine Cosmelia, the +second to the charming Lucinda; but both, by the indented characters, +appeared to have been writ by very unsteady hands. Such uncommon +addresses increased my curiosity, and put me upon asking my old friend +the butler if he knew who those persons were. 'Very well,' says he; +'this is from Mrs. Furbish to my lady, an old schoolfellow and great +crony of her ladyship's: and this the answer.' I inquired in what county +she lived. 'Oh, dear!' says he, 'but just by, in the neighbourhood. Why, +she was here all this morning, and that letter came and was answered +within these two hours. They have taken an odd fancy, you must know, to +call one another hard names; but, for all that, they love one another +hugely.' By this time the boy returned with his lady's humble service to +me, desiring I would excuse her; for she could not possibly see me, nor +anybody else, for it was opera-night." + +"Methinks," says I, "such innocent folly as two old women's courtship +to each other should rather make you merry than put you out of humour." +"Peace, good Isaac," says he, "no interruption, I beseech you. I got +soon to Mrs. Feeble's, she that was formerly Betty Frisk; you must needs +remember her; Tom Feeble, of Brazen Nose, fell in love with her for her +fine dancing. Well, Mrs. Ursula, without further ceremony, carries me +directly up to her mistress's chamber, where I found her environed by +four of the most mischievous animals than can ever infest a family; an +old shock dog with one eye, a monkey chained to one side of the chimney, +a great grey squirrel to the other, and a parrot waddling in the middle +of the room. However, for awhile all was in a profound tranquillity. +Upon the mantle-tree, for I am a pretty curious observer, stood a pot of +lambative electuary, with a stick of liquorice, and near it a phial of +rose-water, and powder of tutty. Upon the table lay a pipe filled with +betony and colt's-foot, a roll of wax-candle, a silver spitting-pot, and +a Seville orange. The lady was placed in a large wicker chair, and +her feet wrapped up in flannel, supported by cushions; and in this +attitude--would you believe it, Isaac?--was she reading a romance with +spectacles on. The first compliments over, as she was industriously +endeavouring to enter upon conversation, a violent fit of coughing +seized her. This awakened Shock, and in a trice the whole room was in an +uproar; for the dog barked, the squirrel squealed, the monkey chattered, +the parrot screamed, and Ursula, to appease them, was more clamorous +than all the rest. You, Isaac, who know how any harsh noise affects my +head, may guess what I suffered from the hideous din of these discordant +sounds. At length all was appeased, and quiet restored: a chair was +drawn for me; where I was no sooner seated, but the parrot fixed his +horny beak, as sharp as a pair of shears, in one of my heels, just above +the shoe. I sprang from the place with an unusual agility, and so, being +within the monkey's reach, he snatches off my new bob-wig, and throws +it upon two apples that were roasting by a sullen sea-coal fire. I +was nimble enough to save it from any further damage than singeing the +fore-top. I put it on; and composing myself as well as I could, I drew +my chair towards the other side of the chimney. The good lady, as soon +as she had recovered breath, employed it in making a thousand apologies, +and, with great eloquence, and a numerous train of words, lamented my +misfortune. In the middle of her harangue, I felt something scratching +near my knee, and feeling what it should be, found the squirrel had got +into my coat-pocket. As I endeavoured to remove him from his burrow, he +made his teeth meet through the fleshy part of my forefinger. This gave +me an unexpressible pain. The Hungary water was immediately brought +to bathe it, and goldbeater's skin applied to stop the blood. The lady +renewed her excuses; but, being now out of all patience, I abruptly took +my leave, and hobbling downstairs with heedless haste, I set my foot +full in a pail of water, and down we came to the bottom together." Here +my friend concluded his narrative, and, with a composed countenance, +I began to make him compliments of condolence; but he started from his +chair, and said, "Isaac, you may spare your speeches; I expect no reply. +When I told you this, I knew you would laugh at me; but the next woman +that makes me ridiculous shall be a young one." + + + + +XXIV.--MARIA CALLS IN SHIRE LANE. + + +From my own Apartment, November 7, 1709. + +I was very much surprised this evening with a visit from one of the top +Toasts of the town, who came privately in a chair, and bolted into my +room, while I was reading a chapter of Agrippa upon the occult sciences; +but, as she entered with all the air and bloom that nature ever bestowed +on woman, I threw down the conjurer, and met the charmer. I had no +sooner placed her at my right hand by the fire, but she opened to me the +reason of her visit. "Mr. Bickerstaff," said the fine creature, "I have +been your correspondent some time, though I never saw you before; I have +written by the name of Maria. You have told me you were too far gone +in life to think of love. Therefore, I am answered as to the passion I +spoke of; and," continued she, smiling, "I will not stay till you grow +young again, as you men never fail to do in your dotage, but am come to +consult you about disposing of myself to another. My person you see; my +fortune is very considerable; but I am at present under much perplexity +how to act in a great conjuncture. I have two lovers, Crassus and Lorio; +Crassus is prodigiously rich, but has no one distinguishing quality; +though at the same time he is not remarkable on the defective side. +Lorio has travelled, is well bred, pleasant in discourse, discreet +in his conduct, agreeable in his person; and, with all this, he has a +competency of fortune without superfluity. When I consider Lorio, my +mind is filled with an idea of the great satisfactions of a pleasant +conversation. When I think of Crassus, my equipage, numerous servants, +gay liveries, and various dresses, are opposed to the charms of his +rival. In a word when I cast my eyes upon Lorio, I forget and despise +fortune; when I behold Crassus, I think only of pleasing my vanity, and +enjoying an uncontrolled expense in all the pleasures of life, except +love." She paused here. + +"Madam," said I, "I am confident that you have not stated your case with +sincerity, and that there is some secret pang which you have concealed +from me; for I see by your aspect the generosity of your mind; and that +open, ingenuous air lets me know that you have too great a sense of the +generous passion of love to prefer the ostentation of life in the arms +of Crassus to the entertainments and conveniences of it in the company +of your beloved Lorio: for so he is indeed, madam; you speak his name +with a different accent from the rest of your discourse. The idea his +image raises in you gives new life to your features, and new grace to +your speech. Nay, blush not, madam; there is no dishonour in loving a +man of merit. I assure you, I am grieved at this dallying with yourself, +when you put another in competition with him, for no other reason but +superior wealth."--"To tell you, then," said she, "the bottom of my +heart, there is Clotilda lies by, and plants herself in the way of +Crassus, and I am confident will snap him if I refuse him. I cannot bear +to think that she will shine above me. When our coaches meet, to see +her chariot hung behind with four footmen, and mine with but two: hers, +powdered, gay, and saucy, kept only for show; mine, a couple of careful +rogues that are good for something: I own I cannot bear that Clotilda +should be in all the pride and wantonness of wealth, and I only in the +ease and affluence of it." + +Here I interrupted: "Well, madam, now I see your whole affliction; you +could be happy, but that you fear another would be happier. Or +rather, you could be solidly happy, but that another is to be happy +in appearance. This is an evil which you must get over, or never know +happiness. We will put the case, madam, that you married Crassus, and +she Lorio." She answered: "Speak not of it; I could tear her eyes out at +the mention of it."--"Well, then, I pronounce Lorio to be the man; but +I must tell you that what we call settling in the world is, in a kind, +leaving it; and you must at once resolve to keep your thoughts of +happiness within the reach of your fortune, and not measure it by +comparison with others." + + + + +XXV.--SISTER JENNY AND HER HUSBAND. + + +From my own Apartment, October 24. + +My brother Tranquillus, who is a man of business, came to me this +morning into my study, and after very many civil expressions in return +for what good offices I had done him, told me "he desired to carry his +wife, my sister, that very morning to his own house." I readily told him +"I would wait upon him" without asking why he was so impatient to rob us +of his good company. He went out of my chamber, and I thought seemed +to have a little heaviness upon him, which gave me some disquiet. Soon +after my sister came to me with a very matron-like air, and most sedate +satisfaction in her looks, which spoke her very much at ease; but the +traces of her countenance seemed to discover that she had lately been in +a passion, and that air of content to flow from a certain triumph upon +some advantage obtained. She no sooner sat down by me but I perceived +she was one of those ladies who begin to be managers within the time +of their being brides. Without letting her speak, which I saw she had a +mighty inclination to do, I said, "Here has been your husband, who tells +me he has a mind to go home this very morning, and I have consented to +it."--"It is well," said she, "for you must know--" "Nay, Jenny," said +I, "I beg your pardon, for it is you must know. You are to understand, +that now is the time to fix or alienate your husband's heart for ever; +and I fear you have been a little indiscreet in your expressions or +behaviour towards him, even here in my house." "There has," says she, +"been some words; but I will be judged by you if he was not in the +wrong: nay, I need not be judged by anybody, for he gave it up himself, +and said not a word when he saw me grow passionate but, 'Madam, you are +perfectly in the right of it:' as you shall judge--" "Nay, madam," said +I, "I am judge already, and tell you that you are perfectly in the wrong +of it; for if it was a matter of importance, I know he has better sense +than you; if a trifle, you know what I told you on your wedding day, +that you were to be above little provocations." She knows very well I +can be sour upon occasion, therefore gave me leave to go on. + +"Sister," said I, "I will not enter into the dispute between you, which +I find his prudence put an end to before it came to extremity; but +charge you to have a care of the first quarrel, as you tender your +happiness; for then it is that the mind will reflect harshly upon every +circumstance that has ever passed between you. If such an accident +is ever to happen, which I hope never will, be sure to keep the +circumstance before you; make no allusions to what is passed, or +conclusions referring to what is to come; do not show a hoard of matter +for dissension in your breast; but, if it is necessary, lay before +him the thing as you understand it, candidly, without being ashamed +of acknowledging an error, or proud of being in the right. If a young +couple be not careful in this point they will get into a habit of +wrangling; and when to displease is thought of no consequence, to please +is always of as little moment. There is a play, Jenny, I have formerly +been at when I was a student; we got into a dark corner with a +porringer of brandy, and threw raisins into it, then set it on fire. My +chamber-fellow and I diverted ourselves with the sport of venturing our +fingers for the raisins; and the wantonness of the thing was to see each +other look like a demon, as we burnt ourselves, and snatched out the +fruit. This fantastical mirth was called Snap-Dragon. You may go into +many a family, where you see the man and wife at this sport: every word +at their table alludes to some passage between themselves; and you see +by the paleness and emotion in their countenances that it is for your +sake and not their own that they forbear playing out the whole game in +burning each other's fingers. In this case, the whole purpose of life +is inverted, and the ambition turns upon a certain contention, who shall +contradict best, and not upon an inclination to excel in kindnesses +and good offices. Therefore, dear Jenny, remember me, and avoid +Snap-Dragon." + +"I thank you, brother," said she, "but you do not know how he loves +me; I find I can do anything with him."--"If you can so, why should +you desire to do anything but please him? But I have a word or two more +before you go out of the room; for I see you do not like the subject I +am upon: let nothing provoke you to fall upon an imperfection he cannot +help; for, if he has a resenting spirit, he will think your aversion as +immovable as the imperfection with which you upbraid him. But above all, +dear Jenny, be careful of one thing, and you will be something more than +woman; that is, a levity you are almost all guilty of, which is, to +take a pleasure in your power to give pain. It is even in a mistress +an argument of meanness of spirit, but in a wife it is injustice and +ingratitude. When a sensible man once observes this in a woman, he must +have a very great, or very little, spirit to overlook it. A woman ought, +therefore, to consider very often how few men there are who will regard +a meditated offence as a weakness of temper." + +I was going on in my confabulation, when Tranquillus entered. She cast +all her eyes upon him with much shame and confusion, mixed with great +complacency and love, and went up to him. He took her in his arms, and +looked so many soft things at one glance that I could see he was glad +I had been talking to her, sorry she had been troubled, and angry at +himself that he could not disguise the concern he was in an hour before. +After which he says to me, with an air awkward enough, but methought not +unbecoming, "I have altered my mind, brother; we will live upon you +a day or two longer." I replied, "That is what I have been persuading +Jenny to ask of you, but she is resolved never to contradict your +inclination, and refused me." + +We were going on in that way which one hardly knows how to express; as +when two people mean the same thing in a nice case, but come at it by +talking as distantly from it as they can; when very opportunely came in +upon us an honest, inconsiderable fellow, Tim Dapper, a gentleman well +known to us both. Tim is one of those who are very necessary, by being +very inconsiderable. Tim dropped in at an incident when we knew not how +to fall into either a grave or a merry way. My sister took this occasion +to make off, and Dapper gave us an account of all the company he had +been in to-day, who was, and who was not at home, where he visited. This +Tim is the head of a species: he is a little out of his element in this +town; but he is a relation of Tranquillus, and his neighbour in the +country, which is the true place of residence for this species. The +habit of a Dapper, when he is at home, is a light broad-cloth, with +calamanco or red waistcoat and breeches; and it is remarkable that their +wigs seldom hide the collar of their coats. They have always a peculiar +spring in their arms, a wriggle in their bodies, and a trip in their +gait. All which motions they express at once in their drinking, bowing +or saluting ladies; for a distant imitation of a forward fop, and a +resolution to overtop him in his way, are the distinguishing marks of a +Dapper. These under-characters of men are parts of the sociable world by +no means to be neglected: they are like pegs in a building; they make +no figure in it, but hold the structure together, and are as absolutely +necessary as the pillars and columns. I am sure we found it so this +morning; for Tranquillus and I should, perhaps, have looked cold at each +other the whole day, but Dapper fell in, with his brisk way, shook us +both by the hand, rallied the bride, mistook the acceptance he met +with amongst us for extraordinary perfection in himself, and heartily +pleased, and was pleased, all the while he stayed. His company left us +all in good humour, and we were not such fools as to let it sink before +we confirmed it by great cheerfulness and openness in our carriage the +whole evening. + + + + +XVII.--LOVE THAT WILL LIVE. + + +From my own Apartment, December 7. + +My brother Tranquillus being gone out of town for some days, my sister +Jenny sent me word she would come and dine with me, and therefore +desired me to have no other company. I took care accordingly, and +was not a little pleased to see her enter the room with a decent and +matron-like behaviour, which I thought very much became her. I saw she +had a great deal to say to me, and easily discovered in her eyes, and +the air of her countenance, that she had abundance of satisfaction in +her heart, which she longed to communicate. However, I was resolved +to let her break into her discourse her own way, and reduced her to a +thousand little devices and intimations to bring me to the mention of +her husband. But, finding I was resolved not to name him, she began of +her own accord. "My husband," said she, "gives his humble service +to you;" to which I only answered, "I hope he is well;" and, without +waiting for a reply, fell into other subjects. She at last was out of +all patience, and said, with a smile and manner that I thought had more +beauty and spirit than I had ever observed before in her, "I did not +think, brother, you had been so ill-natured. You have seen, ever since I +came in, that I had a mind to talk of my husband, and you will not be +so kind as to give me an occasion."--"I did not know," said I, "but +it might be a disagreeable subject to you. You do not take me for so +old-fashioned a fellow as to think of entertaining a young lady with +the discourse of her husband. I know nothing is more acceptable than +to speak of one who is to be so; but to speak of one who is so! indeed, +Jenny, I am a better bred man than you think me." She showed a little +dislike at my raillery, and by her bridling up, I perceived she expected +to be treated hereafter not as Jenny Distaff, but Mrs. Tranquillus. I +was very well pleased with this change in her humour; and, upon talking +with her on several subjects, I could not but fancy that I saw a great +deal of her husband's way and manner in her remarks, her phrases, the +tone of her voice, and the very air of her countenance. This gave me +an unspeakable satisfaction, not only because I had found her a husband +from whom she could learn many things that were laudable, but also +because I looked upon her imitation of him as an infallible sign that +she entirely loved him. This is an observation that I never knew fail, +though I do not remember that any other has made it. The natural +shyness of her sex hindered her from telling me the greatness of her own +passion; but I easily collected it from the representation she gave me +of his. "I have everything," says she, "in Tranquillus that I can wish +for; and enjoy in him, what indeed you have told me were to be met with +in a good husband, the fondness of a lover, the tenderness of a parent, +and the intimacy of a friend." It transported me to see her eyes +swimming in tears of affection when she spoke. "And is there not, dear +sister," said I, "more pleasure in the possession of such a man than in +all the little impertinences of balls, assemblies, and equipage, which +it cost me so much pains to make you contemn?" She answered, smiling, +"Tranquillus has made me a sincere convert in a few weeks, though I am +afraid you could not have done it in your whole life. To tell you truly, +I have only one fear hanging upon me, which is apt to give me trouble +in the midst of all my satisfactions: I am afraid, you must know, that +I shall not always make the same amiable appearance in his eye that I do +at present. You know, brother Bickerstaff, that you have the reputation +of a conjurer; and if you have any one secret in your art to make your +sister always beautiful, I should be happier than if I were mistress of +all the worlds you have shown me in a starry night." "Jenny," said I, +"without having recourse to magic, I shall give you one plain rule that +will not fail of making you always amiable to a man who has so great +a passion for you, and is of so equal and reasonable a temper, as +Tranquillus. Endeavour to please, and you must please; be always in the +same disposition as you are when you ask for this secret, and you +may take my word you will never want it. An inviolable fidelity, +good-humour, and complacency of temper outlive all the charms of a fine +face, and make the decays of it invisible." + +We discoursed very long upon this head, which was equally agreeable +to us both; for I must confess, as I tenderly love her, I take as much +pleasure in giving her instructions for her welfare as she herself does +in receiving them. I proceeded, therefore, to inculcate these sentiments +by relating a very particular passage that happened within my own +knowledge. + +There were several of us making merry at a friend's house in a country +village, when the sexton of the parish church entered the room in a +sort of surprise, and told us "that, as he was digging a grave in the +chancel, a little blow of his pick-axe opened a decayed coffin, in +which there were several written papers." Our curiosity was immediately +raised, so that we went to the place where the sexton had been at work, +and found a great concourse of people about the grave. Among the rest +there was an old woman, who told us the person buried there was a lady +whose name I did not think fit to mention, though there is nothing +in the story but what tends very much to her honour. This lady lived +several years an exemplary pattern of conjugal love, and, dying soon +after her husband, who every way answered her character in virtue and +affection, made it her death-bed request, "that all the letters which +she had received from him both before and after her marriage should be +buried in the coffin with her." These I found, upon examination, were +the papers before us. Several of them had suffered so much by time that +I could only pick out a few words; as my soul! lilies! roses! dearest +angel! and the like. One of them, which was legible throughout, ran +thus: + + +"MADAM, + +"If you would know the greatness of my love, consider that of your +own beauty. That blooming countenance, that snowy bosom, that graceful +person return every moment to my imagination; the brightness of your +eyes hath hindered me from closing mine since I last saw you. You may +still add to your beauties by a smile. A frown will make me the most +wretched of men, as I am the most passionate of lovers." + +It filled the whole company with a deep melancholy to compare the +description of the letter with the person that occasioned it, who was +now reduced to a few crumbling bones and a little mouldering heap of +earth. With much ado I deciphered another letter, which began with, "My +dear, dear wife." This gave me a curiosity to see how the style of +one written in marriage differed from one written in courtship. To my +surprise, I found the fondness rather augmented than lessened, though +the panegyric turned upon a different accomplishment. The words were as +follows: + + +"Before this short absence from you, I did not know that I loved you so +much as I really do; though, at the same time, I thought I loved you as +much as possible. I am under great apprehensions lest you should have +any uneasiness whilst I am defrauded of my share in it, and cannot think +of tasting any pleasures that you do not partake with me. Pray, my dear, +be careful of your health, if for no other reason but because you know +I could not outlive you. It is natural in absence to make professions +of an inviolable constancy; but towards so much merit it is scarce a +virtue, especially when it is but a bare return to that of which you +have given me such continued proofs ever since our first acquaintance. I +am," etc. + +It happened that the daughter of these two excellent persons was by when +I was reading this letter. At the sight of the coffin, in which was the +body of her mother near that of her father, she melted into a flood of +tears. As I had heard a great character of her virtue, and observed +in her this instance of filial piety, I could not resist my natural +inclination of giving advice to young people, and therefore addressed +myself to her. "Young lady," said I, "you see how short is the +possession of that beauty in which nature has been so liberal to you. +You find the melancholy sight before you is a contradiction to the first +letter that you heard on that subject; whereas you may observe, the +second letter, which celebrates your mother's constancy, is itself, +being found in this place, an argument of it. But, madam, I ought to +caution you not to think the bodies that lie before you your father and +your mother. Know, their constancy is rewarded by a nobler union than +by this mingling of their ashes, in a state where there is no danger or +possibility of a second separation." + + + + +XXVI.--MR. BICKERSTAFF'S NEPHEWS. + + +From my own Apartment, June 16. + +The vigilance, the anxiety, the tenderness, which I have for the good +people of England, I am persuaded, will in time be much commended; but +I doubt whether they will be ever rewarded. However, I must go on +cheerfully in my work of reformation: that being my great design, I +am studious to prevent my labours increasing upon me; therefore am +particularly observant of the temper and inclinations of childhood and +youth, that we may not give vice and folly supplies from the growing +generation. It is hardly to be imagined how useful this study is, and +what great evils or benefits arise from putting us in our tender years +to what we are fit or unfit; therefore on Tuesday last, with a design +to sound their inclinations, I took three lads, who are under my +guardianship, a-rambling, in a hackney-coach, to show them the town; +as the lions, the tombs, Bedlam, and the other places which are +entertainments to raw minds because they strike forcibly on the fancy. +The boys are brothers, one of sixteen, the other of fourteen, the other +of twelve. The first was his father's darling, the second his mother's, +and the third is mine, who am their uncle. Mr. William is a lad of true +genius; but, being at the upper end of a great school, and having all +the boys below him, his arrogance is insupportable. If I begin to show +a little of my Latin, he immediately interrupts: "Uncle, under favour, +that which you say is not understood in that manner." "Brother," says my +boy Jack, "you do not show your manners much in contradicting my uncle +Isaac!" "You queer cur," says Mr. William, "do you think my uncle takes +any notice of such a dull rogue as you are?" Mr. William goes on, "He +is the most stupid of all my mother's children; he knows nothing of his +book; when he should mind that, he is hiding or hoarding his taws and +marbles, or laying up farthings. His way of thinking is, four-and-twenty +farthings make sixpence, and two sixpences a shilling; two shillings +and sixpence half a crown, and two half crowns five shillings. So within +these two months the close hunks has scraped up twenty shillings, and we +will make him spend it all before he comes home." Jack immediately +claps his hands into both pockets, and turns as pale as ashes. There +is nothing touches a parent, and such I am to Jack, so nearly as a +provident conduct. This lad has in him the true temper for a good +husband, a kind father, and an honest executor. All the great people you +see make considerable figures on the exchange, in court, and sometimes +in senates, are such as in reality have no greater faculty than what +may be called human instinct, which is a natural tendency to their +own preservation, and that of their friends, without being capable of +striking out of the road for adventures. There is Sir William Scrip was +of this sort of capacity from his childhood; he has brought the country +round him, and makes a bargain better than Sir Harry Wildfire, with all +his wit and humour. Sir Harry never wants money but he comes to Scrip, +laughs at him half an hour, and then gives bond for the other thousand. +The close men are incapable of placing merit anywhere but in their +pence, and therefore gain it; while others, who have larger capacities, +are diverted from the pursuit by enjoyments which can be supported only +by that cash which they despise; and therefore are in the end slaves to +their inferiors both in fortune and understanding. I once heard a man of +excellent sense observe, that more affairs in the world failed by being +in the hands of men of too large capacities for their business, than by +being in the conduct of such as wanted abilities to execute them. Jack, +therefore, being of a plodding make, shall be a citizen: and I design +him to be the refuge of the family in their distress, as well as their +jest in prosperity. His brother Will shall go to Oxford with all speed, +where, if he does not arrive at being a man of sense, he will soon be +informed wherein he is a coxcomb. There is in that place such a true +spirit of raillery and humour, that if they cannot make you a wise man, +they will certainly let you know you are a fool; which is all my cousin +wants, to cease to be so. Thus having taken these two out of the way, +I have leisure to look at my third lad. I observe in the young rogue a +natural subtlety of mind, which discovers itself rather in forbearing +to declare his thoughts on any occasion, than in any visible way of +exerting himself in discourse. For which reason I will place him where, +if he commits no faults, he may go further than those in other stations, +though they excel in virtues. The boy is well fashioned, and will easily +fall into a graceful manner; wherefore I have a design to make him a +page to a great lady of my acquaintance; by which means he will be well +skilled in the common modes of life, and make a greater progress in the +world by that knowledge than with the greatest qualities without it. +A good mien in a court will carry a man greater lengths than a good +understanding in any other place. We see a world of pains taken, and the +best years of life spent in collecting a set of thoughts in a college +for the conduct of life, and, after all the man so qualified shall +hesitate in his speech to a good suit of clothes, and want common sense +before an agreeable woman. Hence it is that wisdom, valour, justice, +and learning cannot keep a man in countenance that is possessed of these +excellences, if he wants that inferior art of life and behaviour called +good breeding. A man endowed with great perfections, without this, is +like one who has his pockets full of gold but always wants change for +his ordinary occasions. + +Will Courtly is a living instance of this truth, and has had the same +education which I am giving my nephew. He never spoke a thing but what +was said before, and yet can converse with the wittiest men without +being ridiculous. Among the learned, he does not appear ignorant; nor +with the wise, indiscreet. Living in conversation from his infancy makes +him nowhere at a loss; and a long familiarity with the persons of men +is, in a manner, of the same service to him as if he knew their arts. +As ceremony is the invention of wise men to keep fools at a distance, so +good breeding is an expedient to make fools and wise men equals. + +My three nephews, whom, in June last twelve-month, I disposed of +according to their several capacities and inclinations; the first to +the university, the second to a merchant, and the third to a woman of +quality as her page, by my invitation dined with me to-day. It is my +custom often, when I have a mind to give myself a more than ordinary +cheerfulness, to invite a certain young gentlewoman of our neighbourhood +to make one of the company. She did me that favour this day. The +presence of a beautiful woman of honour, to minds which are not +trivially disposed, displays an alacrity which is not to be communicated +by any other object. It was not unpleasant to me, to look into her +thoughts of the company she was in. She smiled at the party of pleasure +I had thought of for her, which was composed of an old man and three +boys. My scholar, my citizen, and myself, were very soon neglected; and +the young courtier, by the bow he made to her at her entrance, engaged +her observation without a rival. I observed the Oxonian not a little +discomposed at this preference, while the trader kept his eye upon his +uncle. My nephew Will had a thousand secret resolutions to break in upon +the discourse of his younger brother, who gave my fair companion a full +account of the fashion, and what was reckoned most becoming to this +complexion, and what sort of habit appeared best upon the other shape. +He proceeded to acquaint her, who of quality was well or sick within +the bills of mortality, and named very familiarly all his lady's +acquaintance, not forgetting her very words when he spoke of their +characters. Besides all this he had a load of flattery; and upon her +inquiring what sort of woman Lady Lovely was in her person, "Really, +madam," says the jackanapes, "she is exactly of your height and shape; +but as you are fair, she is a brown woman." There was no enduring that +this fop should outshine us all at this unmerciful rate; therefore I +thought fit to talk to my young scholar concerning his studies; and, +because I would throw his learning into present service, I desired him +to repeat to me the translation he had made of some tender verses in +Theocritus. He did so, with an air of elegance peculiar to the college +to which I sent him. I made some exceptions to the turn of the phrases; +which he defended with much modesty, as believing in that place the +matter was rather to consult the softness of a swain's passion than the +strength of his expressions. It soon appeared that Will had outstripped +his brother in the opinion of our young lady. A little poetry, to one +who is bred a scholar, has the same effect that a good carriage of his +person has on one who is to live in courts. The favour of women is so +natural a passion, that I envied both the boys their success in the +approbation of my guest; and I thought the only person invulnerable was +my young trader. During the whole meal, I could observe in the children +a mutual contempt and scorn of each other, arising from their different +way of life and education, and took that occasion to advertise them of +such growing distastes, which might mislead them in their future life, +and disappoint their friends, as well as themselves, of the advantages +which might be expected from the diversity of their professions and +interests. + +The prejudices which are growing up between these brothers from +the different ways of education are what create the most fatal +misunderstandings in life. But all distinctions of disparagement, merely +from our circumstances, are such as will not bear the examination of +reason. The courtier, the trader, and the scholar, should all have an +equal pretension to the denomination of a gentleman. That tradesman +who deals with me in a commodity which I do not understand, with +uprightness, has much more right to that character than the courtier who +gives me false hopes, or the scholar who laughs at my ignorance. + +The appellation of gentleman is never to be affixed to a man's +circumstances, but to his behaviour in them. For this reason I shall +ever, as far as I am able, give my nephews such impressions as shall +make them value themselves rather as they are useful to others, than as +they are conscious of merit in themselves. There are no qualities for +which we ought to pretend to the esteem of others but such as render us +serviceable to them: for "free men have no superiors but benefactors." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ISAAC BICKERSTAFF *** + +***** This file should be named 2644.txt or 2644.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/4/2644/ + +Produced by Les Bowler + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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