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diff --git a/2644-h/2644-h.htm b/2644-h/2644-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d71859c --- /dev/null +++ b/2644-h/2644-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5034 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Isaac Bickerstaff + +Author: Richard Steele + +Commentator: Henry Morley + +Release Date: December 22, 2008 [EBook #2644] +Last Updated: February 6, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ISAAC BICKERSTAFF *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + ISAAC BICKERSTAFF + </h1> + <h2> + PHYSICIAN AND ASTROLOGER + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Richard Steele. + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h4> + Papers from Steele's "Tatler." + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION </a><br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0002"> <b>ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, PHYSICIAN AND ASTROLOGER</b>. + </a><br /><br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> I. </a> THE + STAFFIAN RACE. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> II. </a> PACOLET. + <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> III. </a> PACOLET'S + STORY. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> IV. </a> RECOLLECTIONS. + <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> V. </a> MARRIAGE OF + SISTER JENNY. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> VI. </a> PROFESSIONAL: + A CASE OF SPLEEN. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> VII. </a> THE + DREAM OF FAME. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> VIII. </a> LOVE + AND SORROW. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> IX. </a> LOVE + AND REASON. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> X. </a> A + BUSINESS MEETING. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> XI. </a> DUELLO. + <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> XII. </a> HAPPY + MARRIAGE. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> XIII. </a> DEAD + FOLK. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> XIV. </a> THE WIFE + DEAD. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> XV. </a> THE CLUB + AT "THE TRUMPET." <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> XVI. </a> A + VERY PRETTY POET. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> XVII. </a> FATHERLY + CARE. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> XVIII. </a> BICKERSTAFF + CENSOR: CASES IN COURT. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> XIX. </a> OF + MEN WHO ARE NOT THEIR OWN MASTERS. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> + XX. </a> FALSE DOCTORING. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> + XXI. </a> DRINKING. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> + XXII. </a> NIGHT AND DAY. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> + XXIII. </a> TWO OLD LADIES. <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0026"> XXIV. </a> MARIA CALLS IN SHIRE LANE. + <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> XXV. </a> SISTER JENNY + AND HER HUSBAND. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> XVII. </a> LOVE + THAT WILL LIVE. <br /><br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> XXVI. </a> MR. + BICKERSTAFF'S NEPHEWS. <br /><br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION + </h2> + <h3> + By Henry Morley + </h3> + <p> + Of the relations between Steele and Addison, and the origin of Steele's + "Tatler," which was developed afterwards into the "Spectator," account has + already been given in the introduction to a volume of this Library, * + containing essays from the "Spectator"—"Sir Roger de Coverley and + the Spectator Club." There had been a centre of life in the "Tatler," + designed, as Sir Roger and his friends were designed, to carry the human + interest of a distinct personality through the whole series of papers. The + "Tatler's" personality was Isaac Bickerstaff, Physician and Astrologer; as + to years, just over the grand climacteric, sixty-three, mystical multiple + of nine and seven; dispensing counsel from his lodgings at Shire Lane, and + seeking occasional rest in the vacuity of thought proper to his club at + the "Trumpet." + </p> + <p> + The name of Isaac Bickerstaff Steele borrowed from his friend Swift, who, + just before the establishment of the "Tatler," had borrowed it from a + shoemaker's shop-board, and used it as the name of an imagined astrologer, + who should be an astrologer indeed, and should attack John Partridge, the + chief of the astrological almanack makers, with a definite prediction of + the day and hour of his death. This he did in a pamphlet that brought up + to the war against one stronghold of superstition an effective battery of + satire. The pamphlet itself has been given in our volume of "The Battle of + the Books, and other short pieces, by Jonathan Swift." * The joke once set + rolling was kept up in other playful little pamphlets written to announce + the fulfilment of the prophecy, and to explain to Partridge that, whether + he knew it or not, he was dead. This joke was running through the town + when Steele began his "Tatler" on the 12th of April, 1709. Steele kept it + going, and, in doing so, wrote once or twice in the character of + Bickerstaff. Then he proceeded to develop the astrologer into a central + character, who should give life and unity to his whole series of essays. + </p> + <p> + They were published for a penny a number, at the rate of three numbers a + week. Steele, for his threepence a week, sought to give wholesome pleasure + while good-humouredly helping men to rise above the vices and the follies + of their time. Evil ways of the court of Charles the Second still survived + in empty tradition. The young man thought it polite to set up for an + atheist, said Steele, though it could be proved on him that every night he + said his prayers. It was fashionable to speak frivolously of women, and + affect contempt of marriage, though the English were, and are, of all men + the most domestic. Steele made it a part of his duty to break this evil + custom, to uphold the true honour of womanhood, and assert the sacredness + of home. The two papers in this collection, called "Happy Marriage" and "A + Wife Dead," are beautiful examples of his work in this direction. He + attacked the false notions of honour that kept duelling in fashion. Steele + could put his heart into the direct telling of a tale of human love or + sorrow, and in that respect was unapproached by Addison; but he was + surpassed by Addison in a subtle delicacy of touch, in the fine humour + with which he played about the whims and weaknesses of men. The tenth + paper in this volume, "A Business Meeting," is a good example of what + Addison could do in that way. + </p> + <p> + Of the papers in this volume, the first was sent to Steele by the post, + and—Steele wrote in the original Preface to the completed "Tatler"—"written, + as I since understand, by Mr. Twisdon, who died at the battle of Mons, and + has a monument in Westminster Abbey, suitable to the respect which is due + to his wit and valour." The other papers were all written by Steele, with + these exceptions:—No. V., "Marriage of Sister Jenny," and No. VII., + "The Dream of Fame," were described by Steele, in a list given to Tickell, + as written by himself and Addison together. No. XIV., "The Wife Dead," is + Steele's, with some passages to which Addison contributed. No. XIII., + "Dead Folks," was, the first part, by Addison; the second part, beginning + "From my own Apartment, November 25," by Steele; Addison wrote No. X., "A + Business Meeting," No. XVI., "A very Pretty Poet," and No. XX., "False + Doctoring." Addison joined Steele in the record of cases before + "Bickerstaff, Censor," No. XVIII. Of the twenty-six sections in this + volume, therefore, three are by Addison alone; one is in two parts, + written severally by Addison and Steele; four are by Addison and Steele + working in friendly fellowship, and without trace of their separate shares + in the work; eighteen are by Steele alone. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Cassell's National Library. +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + ISAAC BICKERSTAFF,<br /> PHYSICIAN AND ASTROLOGER. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + I.—THE STAFFIAN RACE. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, May, 4, 1709. + </p> + <p> + Of all the vanities under the sun, I confess that of being proud of one's + birth is the greatest. At the same time, since in this unreasonable age, + by the force of prevailing custom, things in which men have no hand are + imputed to them; and that I am used by some people as if Isaac + Bickerstaff, though I write myself Esquire, was nobody: to set the world + right in that particular, I shall give you my genealogy, as a kinsman of + ours has sent it me from the Heralds' Office. It is certain, and observed + by the wisest writers, that there are women who are not nicely chaste, and + men not severely honest, in all families; therefore let those who may be + apt to raise aspersions upon ours please to give us as impartial an + account of their own, and we shall be satisfied. The business of heralds + is a matter of so great nicety that, to avoid mistakes, I shall give you + my cousin's letter, verbatim, without altering a syllable. + </p> + <p> + "DEAR COUSIN, + </p> + <p> + "Since you have been pleased to make yourself so famous of late by your + ingenious writings, and some time ago by your learned predictions; since + Partridge, of immortal memory, is dead and gone, who, poetical as he was, + could not understand his own poetry; and, philomathical as he was, could + not read his own destiny; since the Pope, the King of France, and great + part of his court, are either literally or metaphorically defunct: since, + I say, these things not foretold by any one but yourself have come to pass + after so surprising a manner: it is with no small concern I see the + original of the Staffian race so little known in the world as it is at + this time; for which reason, as you have employed your studies in + astronomy and the occult sciences, so I, my mother being a Welsh woman, + dedicated mine to genealogy, particularly that of our family, which, for + its antiquity and number, may challenge any in Great Britain. The Staffs + are originally of Staffordshire, which took its name from them; the first + that I find of the Staffs was one Jacobstaff, a famous and renowned + astronomer, who, by Dorothy his wife, had issue seven sons—viz., + Bickerstaff, Longstaff, Wagstaff, Quarterstaff, Whitestaff, Falstaff, and + Tipstaff. He also had a younger brother, who was twice married, and had + five sons—viz., Distaff, Pikestaff, Mopstaff, Broomstaff, and + Raggedstaff. As for the branch from whence you spring, I shall say very + little of it, only that it is the chief of the Staffs, and called + Bickerstaff, quasi Biggerstaff; as much as to say, the Great Staff, or + Staff of Staffs; and that it has applied itself to Astronomy with great + success, after the example of our aforesaid forefather. The descendants + from Longstaff, the second son, were a rakish, disorderly sort of people, + and rambled from one place to another, till, in the time of Harry the + Second, they settled in Kent, and were called Long-Tails, from the long + tails which were sent them as a punishment for the murder of + Thomas-a-Becket, as the legends say. They have been always sought after by + the ladies, but whether it be to show their aversion to popery, or their + love to miracles, I cannot say. The Wagstaffs are a merry, thoughtless + sort of people, who have always been opinionated of their own wit; they + have turned themselves mostly to poetry. This is the most numerous branch + of our family, and the poorest. The Quarterstaffs are most of them + prize-fighters or deer-stealers; there have been so many of them hanged + lately that there are very few of that branch of our family left. The + Whitestaffs are all courtiers, and have had very considerable places. + There have been some of them of that strength and dexterity that five + hundred of the ablest men in the kingdom have often tugged in vain to pull + a staff out of their hands. The Falstaffs are strangely given to drinking: + there are abundance of them in and about London. And one thing is very + remarkable of this branch, and that is, there are just as many women as + men in it. There was a wicked stick of wood of this name in Harry the + Fourth's time, one Sir John Falstaff. As for Tipstaff, the youngest son, + he was an honest fellow; but his sons, and his sons' sons, have all of + them been the veriest rogues living; it is this unlucky branch has stocked + the nation with that swarm of lawyers, attorneys, serjeants, and bailiffs, + with which the nation is overrun. Tipstaff, being a seventh son, used to + cure the king's evil; but his rascally descendants are so far from having + that healing quality that, by a touch upon the shoulder, they give a man + such an ill habit of body that he can never come abroad afterwards. This + is all I know of the line of Jacobstaff; his younger brother, Isaacstaff, + as I told you before, had five sons, and was married twice; his first wife + was a Staff, for they did not stand upon false heraldry in those days, by + whom he had one son, who, in process of time, being a schoolmaster and + well read in the Greek, called himself Distaff or Twicestaff. He was not + very rich, so he put his children out to trades, and the Distaffs have + ever since been employed in the woollen and linen manufactures, except + myself, who am a genealogist. Pikestaff, the eldest son by the second + venter, was a man of business, a downright plodding fellow, and withal so + plain, that he became a proverb. Most of this family are at present in the + army. Raggedstaff was an unlucky boy, and used to tear his clothes in + getting birds' nests, and was always playing with a tame bear his father + kept. Mopstaff fell in love with one of his father's maids, and used to + help her to clean the house. Broomstaff was a chimney-sweeper. The + Mopstaffs and Broomstaffs are naturally as civil people as ever went out + of doors; but, alas! if they once get into ill hands, they knock down all + before them. Pilgrimstaff ran away from his friends, and went strolling + about the country; and Pipestaff was a wine-cooper. These two were the + unlawful issue of Longstaff. + </p> + <p> + "N.B.—The Canes, the Clubs, the Cudgels, the Wands, the Devil upon + two Sticks, and one Bread, that goes by the name of Staff of Life, are + none of our relations. I am, dear Cousin, + </p> + <p> + "Your humble servant, + </p> + <p> + "D. DISTAFF. + </p> + <p> + "From the Heralds' Office, + </p> + <p> + "May 1, 1709." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II.—PACOLET. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, May 8. + </p> + <p> + Much hurry and business have to-day perplexed me into a mood too + thoughtful for going into company; for which reason, instead of the + tavern, I went into Lincoln's Inn walks; and having taken a round or two, + I sat down, according to the allowed familiarity of these places, on a + bench; at the other end of which sat a venerable gentleman, who, speaking + with a very affable air, "Mr. Bickerstaff," said he, "I take it for a very + great piece of good fortune that you have found me out." "Sir," said I, "I + had never, that I know of, the honour of seeing you before." "That," + replied he, "is what I have often lamented; but, I assure you, I have for + many years done you good offices, without being observed by you; or else, + when you had any little glimpse of my being concerned in an affair, you + have fled from me, and shunned me like an enemy; but, however, the part I + am to act in the world is such that I am to go on in doing good, though I + meet with never so many repulses, even from those I oblige." This, thought + I, shows a great good nature, but little judgment, in the persons upon + whom he confers his favours. He immediately took notice to me that he + observed, by my countenance, I thought him indiscreet in his beneficence, + and proceeded to tell me his quality in the following manner: "I know + thee, Isaac, to be so well versed in the occult sciences that I need not + much preface, or make long preparations, to gain your faith that there are + airy beings who are employed in the care and attendance of men, as nurses + are to infants, till they come to an age in which they can act of + themselves. These beings are usually called amongst men guardian angels; + and, Mr. Bickerstaff, I am to acquaint you that I am to be yours for some + time to come; it being our orders to vary our stations, and sometimes to + have one patient under our protection, and sometimes another, with a power + of assuming what shape we please, to ensnare our wards into their own + good. I have of late been upon such hard duty, and know you have so much + work for me, that I think fit to appear to you face to face, to desire you + will give me as little occasion for vigilance as you can." "Sir," said I, + "it will be a great instruction to me in my behaviour if you please to + give me some account of your late employments, and what hardships or + satisfactions you have had in them, that I may govern myself accordingly." + He answered, "To give you an example of the drudgery we go through, I will + entertain you only with my three last stations. I was on the first of + April last put to mortify a great beauty, with whom I was a week; from her + I went to a common swearer, and have been last with a gamester. When I + first came to my lady, I found my great work was to guard well her eyes + and ears; but her flatterers were so numerous, and the house, after the + modern way, so full of looking-glasses, that I seldom had her safe but in + her sleep. Whenever we went abroad, we were surrounded by an army of + enemies; when a well-made man appeared, he was sure to have a side-glance + of observation; if a disagreeable fellow, he had a full face, out of more + inclination to conquests; but at the close of the evening, on the sixth of + the last month, my ward was sitting on a couch, reading Ovid's epistles; + and as she came to this line of Helen to Paris, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'She half consents who silently denies,' +</pre> + <p> + entered Philander, who is the most skilful of all men in an address to + women. He is arrived at the perfection of that art which gains them; which + is, 'to talk like a very miserable man, but look like a very happy one.' I + saw Dictinna blush at his entrance, which gave me the alarm; but he + immediately said something so agreeable on her being at study, and the + novelty of finding a lady employed in so grave a manner, that he on a + sudden became very familiarly a man of no consequence, and in an instant + laid all her suspicions of his skill asleep, as he had almost done mine, + till I observed him very dangerously turn his discourse upon the elegance + of her dress, and her judgment in the choice of that very pretty mourning. + Having had women before under my care, I trembled at the apprehension of a + man of sense who could talk upon trifles, and resolved to stick to my post + with all the circumspection imaginable. In short, I prepossessed her + against all he could say to the advantage of her dress and person; but he + turned again the discourse, where I found I had no power over her, on the + abusing her friends and acquaintance. He allowed, indeed, that Flora had a + little beauty, and a great deal of wit; but then she was so ungainly in + her behaviour, and such a laughing hoyden! Pastorella had with him the + allowance of being blameless; but what was that towards being + praiseworthy? To be only innocent is not to be virtuous! He afterwards + spoke so much against Mrs. Dipple's forehead, Mrs. Prim's mouth, Mrs. + Dentifrice's teeth, and Mrs. Fidget's cheeks that she grew downright in + love with him; for it is always to be understood that a lady takes all you + detract from the rest of her sex to be a gift to her. In a word, things + went so far that I was dismissed. The next, as I said, I went to was a + common swearer. Never was a creature so puzzled as myself when I came + first to view his brain; half of it was worn out, and filled up with mere + expletives that had nothing to do with any other parts of the texture; + therefore, when he called for his clothes in a morning, he would cry, + 'John!' John does not answer. 'What a plague! nobody there? What the + devil, and rot me, John, for a lazy dog as you are!' I knew no way to cure + him but by writing down all he said one morning as he was dressing, and + laying it before him on the toilet when he came to pick his teeth. The + last recital I gave him of what he said for half an hour before was, + 'What, the devil! where is the washball? call the chairmen! d—n + them, I warrant they are at the alehouse already! zounds! and confound + them!' When he came to the glass he takes up my note—'Ha! this + fellow is worse than me: what, does he swear with pen and ink?' But, + reading on, he found them to be his own words. The stratagem had so good + an effect upon him that he grew immediately a new man, and is learning to + speak without an oath; which makes him extremely short in his phrases; + for, as I observed before, a common swearer has a brain without any idea + on the swearing side; therefore my ward has yet mighty little to say, and + is forced to substitute some other vehicle of nonsense to supply the + defect of his usual expletives. When I left him, he made use of + 'Odsbodikins! Oh me! and Never stir alive!' and so forth; which gave me + hopes of his recovery. So I went to the next I told you of, the gamester. + When we first take our place about a man, the receptacles of the + pericranium are immediately searched. In his I found no one ordinary trace + of thinking; but strong passion, violent desires, and a continued series + of different changes had torn it to pieces. There appeared no middle + condition; the triumph of a prince, or the misery of a beggar, were his + alternate states. I was with him no longer than one day, which was + yesterday. In the morning at twelve we were worth four thousand pounds; at + three, we were arrived at six thousand; half an hour after, we were + reduced to one thousand; at four of the clock, we were down to two + hundred; at five, to fifty; at six, to five; at seven, to one guinea; the + next bet to nothing. This morning he borrowed half a crown of the maid who + cleans his shoes, and is now gaming in Lincoln's Inn Fields among the boys + for farthings and oranges, till he has made up three pieces, and then he + returns to White's into the best company in town." + </p> + <p> + Thus ended our first discourse; and it is hoped that you will forgive me + that I have picked so little out of my companion at our first interview. + In the next it is possible he may tell me more pleasing incidents; for + though he is a familiar, he is not an evil, spirit. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III.—PACOLET'S STORY. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, May 12. + </p> + <p> + I have taken a resolution hereafter, on any want of intelligence, to carry + my Familiar abroad with me, who has promised to give me very proper and + just notices of persons and things, to make up the history of the passing + day. He is wonderfully skilful in the knowledge of men and manners, which + has made me more than ordinarily curious to know how he came to that + perfection, and I communicated to him that doubt. "Mr. Pacolet," said I, + "I am mightily surprised to see you so good a judge of our nature and + circumstances, since you are a mere spirit, and have no knowledge of the + bodily part of us." He answered, smiling, "You are mistaken; I have been + one of you, and lived a month amongst you, which gives me an exact sense + of your condition. You are to know that all who enter into human life have + a certain date or stamen given to their being which they only who die of + age may be said to have arrived at; but it is ordered sometimes by fate, + that such as die infants are, after death, to attend mankind to the end of + that stamen of being in themselves which was broken off by sickness or any + other disaster. These are proper guardians to men, as being sensible of + the infirmity of their State. You are philosopher enough to know that the + difference of men's understandings proceeds only from the various + dispositions of their organs; so that he who dies at a month old is in the + next life as knowing, though more innocent, as they who live to fifty; and + after death they have as perfect a memory and judgment of all that passed + in their lifetime as I have of all the revolutions in that uneasy, + turbulent condition of yours; and you would say I had enough of it in a + month were I to tell you all my misfortunes." "A life of a month cannot + have, one would think, much variety. But pray," said I, "let us have your + story." + </p> + <p> + Then he proceeds in the following manner:— + </p> + <p> + "It was one of the most wealthy families in Great Britain into which I was + born, and it was a very great happiness to me that it so happened, + otherwise I had still, in all probability, been living; but I shall + recount to you all the occurrences of my short and miserable existence, + just as, by examining into the traces made in my brain, they appeared to + me at that time. The first thing that ever struck my senses was a noise + over my head of one shrieking; after which, methought, I took a full jump, + and found myself in the hands of a sorceress, who seemed as if she had + been long waking and employed in some incantation: I was thoroughly + frightened, and cried out; but she immediately seemed to go on in some + magical operation, and anointed me from head to foot. What they meant I + could not imagine; for there gathered a great crowd about me, crying, 'An + heir! an heir!' upon which I grew a little still, and believed this was a + ceremony to be used only to great persons, and such as made them, what + they called Heirs. I lay very quiet; but the witch, for no manner of + reason or provocation in the world, takes me, and binds my head as hard as + possibly she could; then ties up both my legs, and makes me swallow down a + horrid mixture. I thought it a harsh entrance into life, to begin with + taking physic; but I was forced to it, or else must have taken down a + great instrument in which she gave it me. When I was thus dressed, I was + carried to a bedside, where a fine young lady, my mother I wot, had like + to have hugged me to death. From her they faced me about, and there was a + thing with quite another look from the rest of the room, to whom they + talked about my nose. He seemed wonderfully pleased to see me; but I knew + since, my nose belonged to another family. That into which I was born is + one of the most numerous amongst you; therefore crowds of relations came + every day to congratulate my arrival; among others my cousin Betty, the + greatest romp in nature; she whisks me such a height over her head that I + cried out for fear of falling. She pinched me, and called me squealing + chit, and threw me into a girl's arms that was taken in to tend me. The + girl was very proud of the womanly employment of a nurse, and took upon + her to strip and dress me a-new, because I made a noise, to see what ailed + me; she did so, and stuck a pin in every joint about me. I still cried; + upon which she lays me on my face in her lap; and, to quiet me, fell + a-nailing in all the pins by clapping me on the back and screaming a + lullaby. But my pain made me exalt my voice above hers, which brought up + the nurse, the witch I first saw, and my grandmother. The girl is turned + downstairs, and I stripped again, as well to find what ailed me as to + satisfy my grandam's farther curiosity. This good old woman's visit was + the cause of all my troubles. You are to understand that I was hitherto + bred by hand, and anybody that stood next gave me pap, if I did but open + my lips; insomuch that I was grown so cunning as to pretend myself asleep + when I was not, to prevent my being crammed. But my grandmother began a + loud lecture upon the idleness of the wives of this age, who, for fear of + their shape, forbear suckling their own offspring; and ten nurses were + immediately sent for; one was whispered to have a wanton eye, and would + soon spoil her milk; another was in a consumption; the third had an ill + voice, and would frighten me instead of lulling me to sleep. Such + exceptions were made against all but one country milch-wench, to whom I + was committed, and put to the breast. This careless jade was eternally + romping with the footman and downright starved me; insomuch that I daily + pined away, and should never have been relieved had it not been that, on + the thirtieth day of my life, a Fellow of the Royal Society, who had writ + upon Cold Baths, came to visit me, and solemnly protested I was utterly + lost for want of that method; upon which he soused me head and ears into a + pail of water, where I had the good fortune to be drowned; and so escaped + being lashed into a linguist till sixteen, and being married to an + ill-natured wife till sixty, which had certainly been my fate had not the + enchantment between body and soul been broken by this philosopher. Thus, + till the age I should have otherwise lived, I am obliged to watch the + steps of men; and, if you please, shall accompany you in your present + walk, and get you intelligence from the aerial lackey, who is in waiting, + what are the thoughts and purposes of any whom you inquire for." + </p> + <p> + I accepted his kind offer, and immediately took him with me in a hack to + White's. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + White's Chocolate-house, May 13. + </p> + <p> + We got in hither, and my companion threw a powder round us, that made me + as invisible as himself; so that we could see and hear all others, + ourselves unseen and unheard. + </p> + <p> + The first thing we took notice of was a nobleman of a goodly and frank + aspect, with his generous birth and temper visible in it, playing at cards + with a creature of a black and horrid countenance, wherein were plainly + delineated the arts of his mind, cozenage, and falsehood. They were + marking their game with counters, on which we could see inscriptions, + imperceptible to any but us. My Lord had scored with pieces of ivory, on + which were writ, "Good Fame, Glory, Riches, Honour, and Posterity!" The + spectre over-against him had on his counters the inscriptions of + "Dishonour, Impudence, Poverty, Ignorance, and Want of Shame." "Bless + me!", said I; "sure, my Lord does not see what he plays for?" "As well as + I do," says Pacolet. "He despises that fellow he plays with, and scorns + himself for making him his companion." At the very instant he was + speaking, I saw the fellow who played with my Lord hide two cards in the + roll of his stocking. Pacolet immediately stole them from thence; upon + which the nobleman soon after won the game. The little triumph he appeared + in, when he got such a trifling stock of ready money, though he had + ventured so great sums with indifference, increased my admiration. But + Pacolet began to talk to me. "Mr. Isaac, this to you looks wonderful, but + not at all to us higher beings: that nobleman has as many good qualities + as any man of his order, and seems to have no faults but what, as I may + say, are excrescences from virtues. He is generous to a prodigality, more + affable than is consistent with his quality, and courageous to a rashness. + Yet, after all this, the source of his whole conduct is, though he would + hate himself if he knew it, mere avarice. The ready cash laid before the + gamester's counters makes him venture, as you see, and lay distinction + against infamy, abundance against want; in a word, all that is desirable + against all that is to be avoided." "However," said I, "be sure you + disappoint the sharpers to-night, and steal from them all the cards they + hide." Pacolet obeyed me, and my Lord went home with their whole bank in + his pocket. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IV.—RECOLLECTIONS. + </h2> + <p> + It is remarkable that I was bred by hand, and ate nothing but milk till I + was a twelvemonth old; from which time, to the eighth year of my age, I + was observed to delight in pudding and potatoes; and, indeed, I retain a + benevolence for that sort of food to this day. I do not remember that I + distinguished myself in anything at those years but by my great skill at + taw, for which I was so barbarously used that it has ever since given me + an aversion to gaming. In my twelfth year, I suffered very much for two or + three false concords. At fifteen I was sent to the university, and stayed + there for some time; but a drum passing by, being a lover of music, I + listed myself for a soldier. As years came on, I began to examine things, + and grew discontented at the times. This made me quit the sword, and take + to the study of the occult sciences, in which I was so wrapped up that + Oliver Cromwell had been buried, and taken up again, five years before I + heard he was dead. This gave me first the reputation of a conjurer, which + has been of great disadvantage to me ever since, and kept me out of all + public employments. The greater part of my later years has been divided + between Dick's coffee-house, the Trumpet in Sheer Lane, and my own + lodgings. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + From my own Apartment, June 5. + </p> + <p> + There are those among mankind who can enjoy no relish of their being + except the world is made acquainted with all that relates to them, and + think everything lost that passes unobserved; but others find a solid + delight in stealing by the crowd, and modelling their life after such a + manner as is as much above the approbation as the practice of the vulgar. + Life being too short to give instances great enough of true friendship or + good-will, some sages have thought it pious to preserve a certain + reverence for the Manes of their deceased friends; and have withdrawn + themselves from the rest of the world at certain seasons, to commemorate + in their own thoughts such of their acquaintance who have gone before them + out of this life. And indeed, when we are advanced in years, there is not + a more pleasing entertainment than to recollect in a gloomy moment the + many we have parted with that have been dear and agreeable to us, and to + cast a melancholy thought or two after those with whom, perhaps, we have + indulged ourselves in whole nights of mirth and jollity. With such + inclinations in my heart I went to my closet yesterday in the evening, and + resolved to be sorrowful; upon which occasion I could not but look with + disdain upon myself, that though all the reasons which I had to lament the + loss of many of my friends are now as forcible as at the moment of their + departure, yet did not my heart swell with the same sorrow which I felt at + that time; but I could, without tears, reflect upon many pleasing + adventures I have had with some, who have long been blended with common + earth. Though it is by the benefit of nature that length of time thus + blots out the violence of afflictions; yet with tempers too much given to + pleasure, it is almost necessary to revive the old places of grief in our + memory; and ponder step by step on past life, to lead the mind into that + sobriety of thought which poises the heart, and makes it beat with due + time, without being quickened with desire, or retarded with despair, from + its proper and equal motion. When we wind up a clock that is out of order, + to make it go well for the future, we do not immediately set the hand to + the present instant, but we make it strike the round of all its hours, + before it can recover the regularity of its time. Such, thought I, shall + be my method this evening; and since it is that day of the year which I + dedicate to the memory of such in another life as I much delighted in when + living, an hour or two shall be sacred to sorrow and their memory, while I + run over all the melancholy circumstances of this kind which have occurred + to me in my whole life. + </p> + <p> + The first sense of sorrow I ever knew was upon the death of my father, at + which time I was not quite five years of age; but was rather amazed at + what all the house meant than possessed with a real understanding why + nobody was willing to play with me. I remember I went into the room where + his body lay, and my mother sat weeping alone by it. I had my battledore + in my band, and fell a-beating the coffin, and calling Papa; for, I know + not how, I had some slight idea that he was locked up there. My mother + catched me in her arms, and, transported beyond all patience of the silent + grief she was before in, she almost smothered me in her embrace; and told + me in a flood of tears, "Papa could not hear me, and would play with me no + more, for they were going to put him under ground, whence he could never + come to us again." She was a very beautiful woman, of a noble spirit, and + there was a dignity in her grief amidst all the wildness of her transport + which, methought, struck me with an instinct of sorrow, which, before I + was sensible of what it was to grieve, seized my very soul, and has made + pity the weakness of my heart ever since. The mind in infancy is, + methinks, like the body in embryo; and receives impressions so forcible + that they are as hard to be removed by reason as any mark with which a + child is born is to be taken away by any future application. Hence it is + that good-nature in me is no merit; but having been so frequently + overwhelmed with her tears before I knew the cause of any affliction, or + could draw defences from my own judgment, I imbibed commiseration, + remorse, and an unmanly gentleness of mind, which has since ensnared me + into ten thousand calamities; and from whence I can reap no advantage, + except it be that, in such a humour as I am now in, I can the better + indulge myself in the softness of humanity, and enjoy that sweet anxiety + which arises from the memory of past afflictions. + </p> + <p> + We, that are very old, are better able to remember things which befell us + in our distant youth than the passages of later days. For this reason it + is that the companions of my strong and vigorous years present themselves + more immediately to me in this office of sorrow. Untimely or unhappy + deaths are what we are most apt to lament: so little are we able to make + it indifferent when a thing happens, though we know it must happen. Thus + we groan under life, and bewail those who are relieved from it. Every + object that returns to our imagination raises different passions, + according to the circumstance of their departure. Who can have lived in an + army, and in a serious hour reflect upon the many gay and agreeable men + that might long have flourished in the arts of peace, and not join with + the imprecations of the fatherless and widow on the tyrant to whose + ambition they fell sacrifices? But gallant men, who are cut oft by the + sword, move rather our veneration than our pity; and we gather relief + enough from their own contempt of death, to make it no evil, which was + approached with so much cheerfulness, and attended with so much honour. + But when we turn our thoughts from the great parts of life on such + occasions, and instead of lamenting those who stood ready to give death to + those from whom they had the fortune to receive it; I say, when we let our + thoughts wander from such noble objects, and consider the havoc which is + made among the tender and the innocent, pity enters with an unmixed + softness, and possesses all our souls at once. + </p> + <p> + Here, were there words to express such sentiments with proper tenderness, + I should record the beauty, innocence, and untimely death of the first + object my eyes ever beheld with love. The beauteous virgin! how ignorantly + did she charm, how carelessly excel! Oh, Death! thou hast right to the + bold, to the ambitious, to the high, and to the haughty; but why this + cruelty to the humble, to the meek, to the undiscerning, to the + thoughtless? Nor age, nor business, nor distress can erase the dear image + from my imagination. In the same week, I saw her dressed for a ball, and + in a shroud. How ill did the habit of death become the pretty trifler! I + still behold the smiling earth—A large train of disasters were + coming on to my memory, when my servant knocked at my closet-door, and + interrupted me with a letter, attended with a hamper of wine, of the same + sort with that which is to be put to sale on Thursday next at Garraway's + coffee-house. Upon the receipt of it I sent for three of my friends. We + are so intimate that we can be company in whatever state of mind we meet, + and can entertain each other without expecting always to rejoice. The wine + we found to be generous and warming, but with such a heat as moved us + rather to be cheerful than frolicsome. It revived the spirits, without + firing the blood. We commended it till two of the clock this morning; and + having to-day met a little before dinner, we found that, though we drank + two bottles a man, we had much more reason to recollect than forget what + had passed the night before. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V.—MARRIAGE OF SISTER JENNY. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, September 30. + </p> + <p> + I am called off from public dissertations by a domestic affair of great + importance, which is no less than the disposal of my sister Jenny for + life. The girl is a girl of great merit and pleasing conversation: but I + being born of my father's first wife, and she of his third, she converses + with me rather like a daughter than a sister. I have indeed told her that + if she kept her honour, and behaved herself in such a manner as became the + Bickerstaffs, I would get her an agreeable man for her husband; which was + a promise I made her after reading a passage in Pliny's "Epistles." That + polite author had been employed to find out a consort for his friend's + daughter, and gives the following character of the man he had pitched + upon. "Aciliano plurimum vigoris et industriae quanquam in maxima + verecundia: est illi facies liberalis, multo sanguine, multo rubore, + suffusa: est ingenua totius corporis pulchritudo et quidam senatorius + decor, quae ego nequaquam arbitror negligenda: debet enim hoc castitati + puellarum quasi praemium dari." "Acilianus," for that was the gentleman's + name, "is a man of extraordinary vigour and industry, accompanied with the + greatest modesty: he has very much of the gentleman, with a lively colour, + and flush of health in his aspect. His whole person is finely turned, and + speaks him a man of quality; which are qualifications that, I think, ought + by no means to be overlooked, and should be bestowed on a daughter as the + reward of her chastity." + </p> + <p> + A woman that will give herself liberties need not put her parents to so + much trouble; for if she does not possess these ornaments in a husband she + can supply herself elsewhere. But this is not the case of my sister Jenny, + who, I may say without vanity, is as unspotted a spinster as any in Great + Britain. I shall take this occasion to recommend the conduct of our own + family in this particular. + </p> + <p> + We have, in the genealogy of our house, the descriptions and pictures of + our ancestors from the time of King Arthur, in whose days there was one of + my own name, a knight of his round table, and known by the name of Sir + Isaac Bickerstaff. He was low of stature, and of a very swarthy + complexion, not unlike a Portuguese Jew. But he was more prudent than men + of that height usually are, and would often communicate to his friends his + design of lengthening and whitening his posterity. His eldest son Ralph, + for that was his name, was for this reason married to a lady who had + little else to recommend her but that she was very tall and very fair. The + issue of this match, with the help of high shoes, made a tolerable figure + in the next age, though the complexion of the family was obscure till the + fourth generation from that marriage. From which time, till the reign of + William the Conqueror, the females of our house were famous for their + needlework and fine skins. In the male line there happened an unlucky + accident in the reign of Richard III., the eldest son of Philip, then + chief of the family, being born with a hump-back and very high nose. This + was the more astonishing, because none of his forefathers ever had such a + blemish, nor indeed was there any in the neighbourhood of that make, + except the butler, who was noted for round shoulders and a Roman nose; + what made the nose the less excusable was the remarkable smallness of his + eyes. + </p> + <p> + These several defects were mended by succeeding matches: the eyes were + open in the next generation, and the hump fell in a century and a half, + but the greatest difficulty was how to reduce the nose, which I do not + find was accomplished till about the middle of the reign of Henry VII., or + rather the beginning of that of Henry VIII. + </p> + <p> + But while our ancestors were thus taken up in cultivating the eyes and + nose, the face of the Bickerstaffs fell down insensibly into chin, which + was not taken notice of, their thoughts being so much employed upon the + more noble features, till it became almost too long to be remedied. + </p> + <p> + But length of time, and successive care in our alliances, have cured this + also, and reduced our faces into that tolerable oval which we enjoy at + present. I would not be tedious in this discourse, but cannot but observe + that our race suffered very much about three hundred years ago, by the + marriage of one of our heiresses with an eminent courtier, who gave us + spindle-shanks and cramps in our bones; insomuch, that we did not recover + our health and legs till Sir Walter Bickerstaff married Maud the milkmaid, + of whom the then Garter King-at-Arms, a facetious person, said pleasantly + enough, "that she had spoiled our blood, but mended our constitutions." + </p> + <p> + After this account of the effect our prudent choice of matches has had + upon our persons and features, I cannot but observe that there are daily + instances of as great changes made by marriage upon men's minds and + humours. One might wear any passion out of a family by culture, as skilful + gardeners blot a colour out of a tulip that hurts its beauty. One might + produce an affable temper out of a shrew, by grafting the mild upon the + choleric; or raise a jack-pudding from a prude, by inoculating mirth and + melancholy. It is for want of care in the disposing of our children, with + regard to our bodies and minds, that we go into a house and see such + different complexions and humours in the same race and family. But to me + it is as plain as a pikestaff, from what mixture it is that this daughter + silently lours, the other steals a kind look at you, a third is exactly + well behaved, a fourth a splenetic, and a fifth a coquette. + </p> + <p> + In this disposal of my sister, I have chosen with an eye to her being a + wit, and provided that the bridegroom be a man of a sound and excellent + judgment, who will seldom mind what she says when she begins to harangue, + for Jenny's only imperfection is an admiration of her parts, which + inclines her to be a little, but very little, sluttish; and you are ever + to remark that we are apt to cultivate most, and bring into observation + what we think most excellent in ourselves, or most capable of improvement. + Thus, my sister, instead of consulting her glass and her toilet for an + hour and a half after her private devotion, sits with her nose full of + snuff and a man's nightcap on her head, reading plays and romances. Her + wit she thinks her distinction, therefore knows nothing of the skill of + dress, or making her person agreeable. It would make you laugh to see me + often, with my spectacles on, lacing her stays, for she is so very a wit, + that she understands no ordinary thing in the world. + </p> + <p> + For this reason I have disposed of her to a man of business, who will soon + let her see that to be well dressed, in good humour, and cheerful in the + command of her family, are the arts and sciences of female life. I could + have bestowed her upon a fine gentleman, who extremely admired her wit, + and would have given her a coach and six, but I found it absolutely + necessary to cross the strain; for had they met, they had entirely been + rivals in discourse, and in continual contention for the superiority of + understanding, and brought forth critics, pedants, or pretty good poets. + As it is, I expect an offspring fit for the habitation of the city, town + or country; creatures that are docile and tractable in whatever we put + them to. + </p> + <p> + To convince men of the necessity of taking this method, let any one even + below the skill of an astrologer, behold the turn of faces he meets as + soon as he passes Cheapside Conduit, and you see a deep attention and a + certain unthinking sharpness in every countenance. They look attentive, + but their thoughts are engaged on mean purposes. To me it is very + apparent, when I see a citizen pass by, whether his head is upon woollen, + silks, iron, sugar, indigo, or stocks. Now this trace of thought appears + or lies hid in the race for two or three generations. + </p> + <p> + I know at this time a person of a vast estate, who is the immediate + descendant of a fine gentleman, but the great grandson of a broker, in + whom his ancestor is now revived. He is a very honest gentleman in his + principles, but cannot for his blood talk fairly; he is heartily sorry for + it; but he cheats by constitution, and over-reaches by instinct. + </p> + <p> + The happiness of the man who marries my sister will be, that he has no + faults to correct in her but her own, a little bias of fancy, or + particularity of manners which grew in herself, and can be amended by her. + From such an untainted couple we can hope to have our family rise to its + ancient splendour of face, air, countenance, manner, and shape, without + discovering the product of ten nations in one house. Obadiah Greenhat + says, "he never comes into any company in England, but he distinguishes + the different nations of which we are composed." There is scarce such a + living creature as a true Briton. We sit down, indeed, all friends, + acquaintance, and neighbours; but after two bottles you see a Dane start + up and swear, "the kingdom is his own." A Saxon drinks up the whole quart, + and swears he will dispute that with him. A Norman tells them both, he + will assert his liberty; and a Welshman cries, "They are all foreigners + and intruders of yesterday," and beats them out of the room. Such + accidents happen frequently among neighbours' children, and + cousin-germans. For which reason I say study your race, or the soil of + your family will dwindle into cits or 'squires, or run up into wits or + madmen. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VI.—PROFESSIONAL: A CASE OF SPLEEN. + </h2> + <p> + White's Chocolate House, October 12. + </p> + <p> + It will be allowed me that I have all along showed great respect in + matters which concern the fair sex; but the inhumanity with which the + author of the following letter has been used is not to be suffered:— + </p> + <p> + "Sir, + </p> + <p> + "Yesterday I had the misfortune to drop in at my Lady Haughty's upon her + visiting-day. When I entered the room where she receives company, they all + stood up indeed; but they stood as if they were to stare at, rather than + to receive me. After a long pause, a servant brought a round stool, on + which I sat down at the lower end of the room, in the presence of no less + than twelve persons, gentlemen and ladies, lolling in elbow-chairs. And, + to complete my disgrace, my mistress was of the society. I tried to + compose myself in vain, not knowing how to dispose of either my legs or + arms, nor how to shape my countenance, the eyes of the whole room being + still upon me in a profound silence. My confusion at last was so great, + that, without speaking, or being spoken to, I fled for it, and left the + assembly to treat me at their discretion. A lecture from you upon these + inhuman distinctions in a free nation will, I doubt not, prevent the like + evils for the future, and make it, as we say, as cheap sitting as + standing. + </p> + <p> + "I am, with the greatest respect, Sir, + </p> + <p> + "Your most humble, and + </p> + <p> + "Most obedient servant, + </p> + <p> + "J. R. + </p> + <p> + "Oct. 9. + </p> + <p> + "P.S.—I had almost forgot to inform you that a fair young lady sat + in an armless chair upon my right hand, with manifest discontent in her + looks." + </p> + <p> + Soon after the receipt of this epistle, I heard a very gentle knock at my + door. My maid went down and brought up word "that a tall, lean, black man, + well dressed, who said he had not the honour to be acquainted with me, + desired to be admitted." I bid her show him up, met him at my + chamber-door, and then fell back a few paces. He approached me with great + respect, and told me, with a low voice, "he was the gentleman that had + been seated upon the round stool." I immediately recollected that there + was a joint-stool in my chamber, which I was afraid he might take for an + instrument of distinction, and therefore winked at my boy to carry it into + my closet. I then took him by the hand, and led him to the upper end of my + room, where I placed him in my great elbow-chair, at the same time drawing + another without arms to it for myself to sit by him. I then asked him, "at + what time this misfortune befell him?" He answered, "Between the hours of + seven and eight in the evening." I further demanded of him what he had ate + or drank that day? He replied, "Nothing but a dish of water-gruel with a + few plums in it." In the next place, I felt his pulse, which was very low + and languishing. These circumstances confirmed me in an opinion, which I + had entertained upon the first reading of his letter, that the gentleman + was far gone in the spleen. I therefore advised him to rise the next + morning, and plunge into the cold bath, there to remain under water till + he was almost drowned. This I ordered him to repeat six days successively; + and on the seventh to repair at the wonted hour to my Lady Haughty's, and + to acquaint me afterwards with what he shall meet with there: and + particularly to tell me, whether he shall think they stared upon him so + much as the time before. The gentleman smiled; and, by his way of talking + to me, showed himself a man of excellent sense in all particulars, unless + when a cane-chair, a round or a joint-stool, were spoken of. He opened his + heart to me at the same time concerning several other grievances, such as + being overlooked in public assemblies, having his bows unanswered, being + helped last at table, and placed at the back part of a coach, with many + other distresses, which have withered his countenance, and worn him to a + skeleton. Finding him a man of reason, I entered into the bottom of his + distemper. "Sir," said I, "there are more of your constitution in this + island of Great Britain than in any other part of the world: and I beg the + favour of you to tell me whether you do not observe that you meet with + most affronts in rainy days?" He answered candidly, "that he had long + observed, that people were less saucy in sunshine than in cloudy weather." + Upon which I told him plainly, "his distemper was the spleen; and that + though the world was very ill-natured, it was not so bad as he believed + it." I further assured him, "that his use of the cold bath, with a course + of STEEL which I should prescribe him, would certainly cure most of his + acquaintance of their rudeness, ill-behaviour, and impertinence." My + patient smiled and promised to observe my prescriptions, not forgetting to + give me an account of their operation. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VII.—THE DREAM OF FAME. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, October 14. + </p> + <p> + There are two kinds of immortality, that which the soul really enjoys + after this life, and that imaginary existence by which men live in their + fame and reputation. The best and greatest actions have proceeded from the + prospect of the one or the other of these; but my design is to treat only + of those who have chiefly proposed to themselves the latter as the + principal reward of their labours. It was for this reason that I excluded + from my Tables of Fame all the great founders and votaries of religion; + and it is for this reason also that I am more than ordinarily anxious to + do justice to the persons of whom I am now going to speak, for, since fame + was the only end of all their enterprises and studies, a man cannot be too + scrupulous in allotting them their due proportion of it. It was this + consideration which made me call the whole body of the learned to my + assistance; to many of whom I must own my obligations for the catalogues + of illustrious persons which they have sent me in upon this occasion. I + yesterday employed the whole afternoon in comparing them with each other, + which made so strong an impression upon my imagination, that they broke my + sleep for the first part of the following night, and at length threw me + into a very agreeable vision, which I shall beg leave to describe in all + its particulars. + </p> + <p> + I dreamed that I was conveyed into a wide and boundless plain, that was + covered with prodigious multitudes of people, which no man could number. + In the midst of it there stood a mountain, with its head above the clouds. + The sides were extremely steep, and of such a particular structure, that + no creature which was not made in a human figure could possibly ascend it. + On a sudden there was heard from the top of it a sound like that of a + trumpet, but so exceeding sweet and harmonious, that it filled the hearts + of those who heard it with raptures, and gave such high and delightful + sensations, as seemed to animate and raise human nature above itself. This + made me very much amazed to find so very few in that innumerable multitude + who had ears fine enough to hear or relish this music with pleasure; but + my wonder abated when, upon looking round me, I saw most of them attentive + to three Syrens, clothed like goddesses, and distinguished by the names of + Sloth, Ignorance, and Pleasure. They were seated on three rocks, amidst a + beautiful variety of groves, meadows, and rivulets that lay on the borders + of the mountain. While this base and grovelling multitude of different + nations, ranks, and ages were listening to these delusive deities, those + of a more erect aspect and exalted spirit separated themselves from the + rest, and marched in great bodies towards the mountain from whence they + heard the sound, which still grew sweeter the more they listened to it. + </p> + <p> + On a sudden methought this select band sprang forward, with a resolution + to climb the ascent, and follow the call of that heavenly music. Every one + took something with him that he thought might be of assistance to him in + his march. Several had their swords drawn, some carried rolls of paper in + their hands, some had compasses, others quadrants, others telescopes, and + others pencils. Some had laurels on their heads, and others buskins on + their legs; in short, there was scarce any instrument of a mechanic art, + or liberal science, which was not made of use on this occasion. My good + demon, who stood at my right hand during this course of the whole vision, + observing in me a burning desire to join that glorious company, told me, + "he highly approved that generous ardour with which I seemed transported; + but at the same time advised me to cover my face with a mask all the while + I was to labour on the ascent." I took his counsel, without inquiring into + his reasons. The whole body now broke into different parties, and began to + climb the precipice by ten thousand different paths. Several got into + little alleys, which did not reach far up the hill before they ended, and + led no further; and I observed that most of the artizans, which + considerably diminished our number, fell into these paths. + </p> + <p> + We left another considerable body of adventurers behind us who thought + they had discovered byways up the hill, which proved so very intricate and + perplexed, that after having advanced in them a little they were quite + lost among the several turns and windings; and though they were as active + as any in their motions, they made but little progress in the ascent. + These, as my guide informed me, were men of subtle tempers, and puzzled + politics, who would supply the place of real wisdom with cunning and + artifice. Among those who were far advanced in their way there were some + that by one false step fell backward, and lost more ground in a moment, + than they had gained for many hours, or could be ever able to recover. We + were now advanced very high, and observed that all the different paths + which ran about the sides of the mountain began to meet in two great + roads, which insensibly gathered the whole multitude of travellers into + two great bodies. At a little distance from the entrance of each road + there stood a hideous phantom, that opposed our further passage. One of + these apparitions had his right hand filled with darts, which he + brandished in the face of all who came up that way. Crowds ran back at the + appearance of it, and cried out, "Death!" The spectre that guarded the + other road was Envy. She was not armed with weapons of destruction, like + the former, but by dreadful hissings, noises of reproach, and a horrid + distracted laughter; she appeared more frightful than Death itself, + insomuch that abundance of our company were discouraged from passing any + further, and some appeared ashamed of having come so far. As for myself, I + must confess my heart shrunk within me at the sight of these ghastly + appearances; but, on a sudden, the voice of the trumpet came more full + upon us, so that we felt a new resolution reviving in us, and in + proportion as this resolution grew the terrors before us seemed to vanish. + Most of the company, who had swords in their hands, marched on with great + spirit, and an air of defiance, up the road that was commanded by Death; + while others, who had thought and contemplation in their looks, went + forward in a more composed manner up the road possessed by Envy. The way + above these apparitions grew smooth and uniform, and was so delightful, + that the travellers went on with pleasure, and in a little time arrived at + the top of the mountain. They here began to breathe a delicious kind of + ether, and saw all the fields about them covered with a kind of purple + light, that made them reflect with satisfaction on their past toils, and + diffused a secret joy through the whole assembly, which showed itself in + every look and feature. In the midst of these happy fields there stood a + palace of a very glorious structure. It had four great folding-doors that + faced the four several quarters of the world. On the top of it was + enthroned the goddess of the mountain, who smiled upon her votaries, and + sounded the silver trumpet which had called them up, and cheered them in + their passage to her palace. They had now formed themselves into several + divisions, a band of historians taking their stations at each door, + according to the persons whom they were to introduce. + </p> + <p> + On a sudden the trumpet, which had hitherto sounded only a march, or a + point of war, now swelled all its notes into triumph and exultation. The + whole fabric shook, and the doors flew open. The first who stepped forward + was a beautiful and blooming hero, and, as I heard by the murmurs round + me, Alexander the Great. He was conducted by a crowd of historians. The + person who immediately walked before him was remarkable for an embroidered + garment, who, not being well acquainted with the place, was conducting him + to an apartment appointed for the reception of fabulous heroes. The name + of this false guide was Quintus Curtius. But Arrian and Plutarch, who knew + better the avenues of this palace, conducted him into the great hall, and + placed him at the upper end of the first table. My good demon, that I + might see the whole ceremony, conveyed me to a corner of this room, where + I might perceive all that passed without being seen myself. The next who + entered was a charming virgin, leading in a venerable old man that was + blind. Under her left arm she bore a harp, and on her head a garland. + Alexander, who was very well acquainted with Homer, stood up at his + entrance, and placed him on his right hand. The virgin, who it seems was + one of the Nine Sisters that attended on the Goddess of Fame, smiled with + an ineffable grace at their meeting, and retired. + </p> + <p> + Julius Caesar was now coming forward; and though most of the historians + offered their service to introduce him, he left them at the door, and + would have no conductor but himself. + </p> + <p> + The next who advanced was a man of a homely but cheerful aspect, and + attended by persons of greater figure than any that appeared on this + occasion. Plato was on his right hand, and Xenophon on his left. He bowed + to Homer, and sat down by him. It was expected that Plato would himself + have taken a place next to his master Socrates: but on a sudden there was + heard a great clamour of disputants at the door, who appeared with + Aristotle at the head of them. That philosopher, with some rudeness, but + great strength of reason, convinced the whole table that a title to the + fifth place was his due, and took it accordingly. + </p> + <p> + He had scarce sat down, when the same beautiful virgin that had introduced + Homer brought in another, who hung back at the entrance, and would have + excused himself, had not his modesty been overcome by the invitation of + all who sat at the table. His guide and behaviour made me easily conclude + it was Virgil. Cicero next appeared, and took his place. He had inquired + at the door for Lucceius to introduce him, but not finding him there, he + contented himself with the attendance of many other writers, who all, + except Sallust, appeared highly pleased with the office. + </p> + <p> + We waited some time in expectation of the next worthy, who came in with a + great retinue of historians, whose names I could not learn, most of them + being natives of Carthage. The person thus conducted, who was Hannibal, + seemed much disturbed, and could not forbear complaining to the board of + the affronts he had met with among the Roman historians, "who attempted," + says he, "to carry me into the subterraneous apartment, and perhaps would + have done it, had it not been for the impartiality of this gentleman," + pointing to Polybius, "who was the only person, except my own countrymen, + that was willing to conduct me hither." + </p> + <p> + The Carthaginian took his seat, and Pompey entered, with great dignity in + his own person, and preceded by several historians. Lucan the poet was at + the head of them, who, observing Homer and Virgil at the table, was going + to sit down himself, had not the latter whispered him that whatever + pretence he might otherwise have had, he forfeited his claim to it by + coming in as one of the historians. Lucan was so exasperated with the + repulse, that he muttered something to himself, and was heard to say that + since he could not have a seat among them himself, he would bring in one + who alone had more merit than their whole assembly: upon which he went to + the door and brought in Cato of Utica. That great man approached the + company with such an air that showed he contemned the honour which he laid + a claim to. Observing the seat opposite to Caesar was vacant, he took + possession of it, and spoke two or three smart sentences upon the nature + of precedency, which, according to him, consisted not in place, but in + intrinsic merit: to which he added, "that the most virtuous man, wherever + he was seated, was always at the upper end of the table." Socrates, who + had a great spirit of raillery with his wisdom, could not forbear smiling + at a virtue which took so little pains to make itself agreeable. Cicero + took the occasion to make a long discourse in praise of Cato, which he + uttered with much vehemence. Caesar answered him with a great deal of + seeming temper, but, as I stood at a great distance from them, I was not + able to hear one word of what they said. But I could not forbear taking + notice that in all the discourse which passed at the table a word or nod + from Homer decided the controversy. + </p> + <p> + After a short pause Augustus appeared, looking round him, with a serene + and affable countenance, upon all the writers of his age, who strove among + themselves which of them should show him the greatest marks of gratitude + and respect. Virgil rose from the table to meet him; and though he was an + acceptable guest to all, he appeared more such to the learned than the + military worthies. + </p> + <p> + The next man astonished the whole table with his appearance. He was slow, + solemn, and silent in his behaviour, and wore a raiment curiously wrought + with hieroglyphics. As he came into the middle of the room, he threw back + the skirt of it, and discovered a golden thigh. Socrates, at the sight of + it, declared against keeping company with any who were not made of flesh + and blood, and, therefore, desired Diogenes the Laertian to lead him to + the apartment allotted for fabulous heroes and worthies of dubious + existence. At his going out he told them, "that they did not know whom + they dismissed; that he was now Pythagoras, the first of philosophers, and + that formerly he had been a very brave man at the Siege of Troy." "That + may be true," said Socrates, "but you forget that you have likewise been a + very great harlot in your time." This exclusion made way for Archimedes, + who came forward with a scheme of mathematical figures in his hand, among + which I observed a cone and a cylinder. + </p> + <p> + Seeing this table full, I desired my guide, for variety, to lead me to the + fabulous apartment, the roof of which was painted with Gorgons, Chimeras, + and Centaurs, with many other emblematical figures, which I wanted both + time and skill to unriddle. The first table was almost full. At the upper + end sat Hercules, leaning an arm upon his club; on his right hand were + Achilles and Ulysses, and between them AEneas; on his left were Hector, + Theseus, and Jason: the lower end had Orpheus, AEsop, Phalaris, and + Musaeus. The ushers seemed at a loss for a twelfth man, when, methought, + to my great joy and surprise, I heard some at the lower end of the table + mention Isaac Bickerstaff; but those of the upper end received it with + disdain, and said, "if they must have a British worthy, they would have + Robin Hood!" + </p> + <p> + While I was transported with the honour that was done me, and burning with + envy against my competitor, I was awakened by the noise of the cannon + which were then fired for the taking of Mons. I should have been very much + troubled at being thrown out of so pleasing a vision on any other + occasion; but thought it an agreeable change, to have my thoughts diverted + from the greatest among the dead and fabulous heroes to the most famous + among the real and the living. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + VIII.—LOVE AND SORROW. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, October 17. + </p> + <p> + After the mind has been employed on contemplations suitable to its + greatness, it is unnatural to run into sudden mirth or levity; but we must + let the soul subside, as it rose, by proper degrees. My late + considerations of the ancient heroes impressed a certain gravity upon my + mind, which is much above the little gratification received from starts of + humour and fancy, and threw me into a pleasing sadness. In this state of + thought I have been looking at the fire, and in a pensive manner + reflecting upon the great misfortunes and calamities incident to human + life, among which there are none that touch so sensibly as those which + befall persons who eminently love, and meet with fatal interruptions of + their happiness when they least expect it. The piety of children to + parents, and the affection of parents to their children, are the effects + of instinct; but the affection between lovers and friends is founded on + reason and choice, which has always made me think the sorrows of the + latter much more to be pitied than those of the former. The contemplation + of distresses of this sort softens the mind of man, and makes the heart + better. It extinguishes the seeds of envy and ill-will towards mankind, + corrects the pride of prosperity, and beats down all that fierceness and + insolence which are apt to get into the minds of the daring and fortunate. + </p> + <p> + For this reason the wise Athenians, in their theatrical performances, laid + before the eyes of the people the greatest afflictions which could befall + human life, and insensibly polished their tempers by such representations. + Among the moderns, indeed, there has arisen a chimerical method of + disposing the fortune of the persons represented, according to what they + call poetical justice; and letting none be unhappy but those who deserve + it. In such cases, an intelligent spectator, if he is concerned, knows he + ought not to be so, and can learn nothing from such a tenderness, but that + he is a weak creature, whose passions cannot follow the dictates of his + understanding. It is very natural, when one is got into such a way of + thinking, to recollect these examples of sorrow which have made the + strongest impression upon our imaginations. An instance or two of such you + will give me leave to communicate. + </p> + <p> + A young gentleman and lady of ancient and honourable houses in Cornwall + had from their childhood entertained for each other a generous and noble + passion, which had been long opposed by their friends, by reason of the + inequality of their fortunes; but their constancy to each other, and + obedience to those on whom they depended, wrought so much upon their + relations, that these celebrated lovers were at length joined in marriage. + Soon after their nuptials the bridegroom was obliged to go into a foreign + country, to take care of a considerable fortune, which was left him by a + relation, and came very opportunely to improve their moderate + circumstances. They received the congratulations of all the country on + this occasion; and I remember it was a common sentence in everyone's + mouth, "You see how faithful love is rewarded." + </p> + <p> + He took this agreeable voyage, and sent home every post fresh accounts of + his success in his affairs abroad; but at last, though he designed to + return with the next ship, he lamented in his letters that "business would + detain him some time longer from home," because he would give himself the + pleasure of an unexpected arrival. + </p> + <p> + The young lady, after the heat of the day, walked every evening on the + sea-shore, near which she lived, with a familiar friend, her husband's + kinswoman, and diverted herself with what objects they met there, or upon + discourses of the future methods of life, in the happy change of their + circumstances. They stood one evening on the shore together in a perfect + tranquillity, observing the setting of the sun, the calm face of the deep, + and the silent heaving of the waves, which gently rolled towards them, and + broke at their feet, when at a distance her kinswoman saw something float + on the waters, which she fancied was a chest, and with a smile told her, + "she saw it first, and if it came ashore full of jewels she had a right to + it." They both fixed their eyes upon it, and entertained themselves with + the subject of the wreck, the cousin still asserting her right, but + promising, "if it was a prize, to give her a very rich coral for the child + which she was then expecting, provided she might be godmother." Their + mirth soon abated when they observed upon the nearer approach that it was + a human body. The young lady, who had a heart naturally filled with pity + and compassion, made many melancholy reflections on the occasion. "Who + knows," said she, "but this man may be the only hope and heir of a wealthy + house; the darling of indulgent parents, who are now in impertinent mirth, + and pleasing themselves with the thoughts of offering him a bride they had + got ready for him? or, may not he be the master of a family that wholly + depended upon his life? There may, for aught we know, be half-a-dozen + fatherless children and a tender wife, now exposed to poverty by his + death. What pleasure might he have promised himself in the different + welcome he was to have from her and them! But let us go away; it is a + dreadful sight! The best office we can do is to take care that the poor + man, whoever he is, may be decently buried." She turned away, when the + wave threw the carcass on the shore. The kinswoman immediately shrieked + out, "Oh, my cousin!" and fell upon the ground. The unhappy wife went to + help her friend, when she saw her own husband at her feet, and dropped in + a swoon upon the body. An old woman, who had been the gentleman's nurse, + came out about this time to call the ladies in to supper, and found her + child, as she always called him, dead on the shore, her mistress and + kinswoman both lying dead by him. Her loud lamentations, and calling her + young master to life, soon awaked the friend from her trance, but the wife + was gone for ever. + </p> + <p> + When the family and neighbourhood got together round the bodies, no one + asked any question, but the objects before them told the story. + </p> + <p> + Incidents of this nature are the more moving when they are drawn by + persons concerned in the catastrophe, notwithstanding they are often + oppressed beyond the power of giving them in a distinct light, except we + gather their sorrow from their inability to speak it. + </p> + <p> + I have two original letters, written both on the same day, which are to me + exquisite in their different kinds. The occasion was this. A gentleman who + had courted a most agreeable young woman, and won her heart, obtained also + the consent of her father, to whom she was an only child. The old man had + a fancy that they should be married in the same church where he himself + was, in a village in Westmoreland, and made them set out while he was laid + up with the gout at London. The bridegroom took only his man, the bride + her maid: they had the most agreeable journey imaginable to the place of + marriage, from whence the bridegroom writ the following letter to his + wife's father:— + </p> + <p> + "Sir, + </p> + <p> + "After a very pleasant journey hither, we are preparing for the happy hour + in which I am to be your son. I assure you the bride carries it, in the + eye of the vicar who married you, much beyond her mother though he says + your open sleeves, pantaloons, and shoulder-knot made a much better show + than the finical dress I am in. However, I am contented to be the second + fine man this village ever saw, and shall make it very merry before night, + because I shall write myself from thence, + </p> + <p> + "Your most dutiful son, + </p> + <p> + "T. D. + </p> + <p> + "March 18, 1672. + </p> + <p> + "The bride gives her duty, and is as handsome as an angel. I am the + happiest man breathing." + </p> + <p> + The villagers were assembling about the church, and the happy couple took + a walk in a private garden. The bridegroom's man knew his master would + leave the place on a sudden after the wedding, and seeing him draw his + pistols the night before, took this opportunity to go into his chamber and + charge them. Upon their return from the garden, they went into that room, + and, after a little fond raillery on the subject of their courtship, the + lover took up a pistol, which he knew he had unloaded the night before, + and, presenting it to her, said, with the most graceful air, whilst she + looked pleased at his agreeable flattery, "Now, madam, repent of all those + cruelties you have been guilty of to me; consider, before you die, how + often you have made a poor wretch freeze under your casement; you shall + die, you tyrant, you shall die, with all those instruments of death and + destruction about you, with that enchanting smile, those killing ringlets + of your hair—" "Give fire!" said she, laughing. He did so, and shot + her dead. Who can speak his condition? but he bore it so patiently as to + call up his man. The poor wretch entered, and his master locked the door + upon him. "Will," said he, "did you charge these pistols?" He answered, + "Yes." Upon which, he shot him dead with that remaining. After this, + amidst a thousand broken sobs, piercing groans, and distracted motions, he + writ the following letter to the father of his dead mistress:— + </p> + <p> + "Sir, + </p> + <p> + "I, who two hours ago told you truly I was the happiest man alive am now + the most miserable. Your daughter lies dead at my feet, killed by my hand, + through a mistake of my man's charging my pistols unknown to me. Him I + have murdered for it. Such is my wedding day. I will immediately follow my + wife to her grave, but before I throw myself upon my sword, I command my + distraction so far as to explain my story to you. I fear my heart will not + keep together till I have stabbed it. Poor good old man! Remember, he that + killed your daughter died for it. In the article of death, I give you my + thanks and pray for you, though I dare not for myself. If it be possible, + do not curse me." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IX.—LOVE AND REASON. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, October 19. + </p> + <p> + It is my frequent practice to visit places of resort in this town where I + am least known, to observe what reception my works meet with in the world, + and what good effects I may promise myself from my labours, and it being a + privilege asserted by Monsieur Montaigne, and others, of vain-glorious + memory, that we writers of essays may talk of ourselves, I take the + liberty to give an account of the remarks which I find are made by some of + my gentle readers upon these my dissertations. + </p> + <p> + I happened this evening to fall into a coffee-house near the 'Change, + where two persons were reading my account of the "Table of Fame." + </p> + <p> + The one of these was commenting as he read, and explaining who was meant + by this and the other worthy as he passed on. I observed the person over + against him wonderfully intent and satisfied with his explanation. When he + came to Julius Caesar, who is said to have refused any conductor to the + table: "No, no," said he, "he is in the right of it, he has money enough + to be welcome wherever he comes;" and then whispered, "He means a certain + colonel of the Trainbands." Upon reading that Aristotle made his claim + with some rudeness, but great strength of reason; "Who can that be, so + rough and so reasonable? It must be some Whig, I warrant you. There is + nothing but party in these public papers." Where Pythagoras is said to + have a golden thigh, "Ay, ay," said he, "he has money enough in his + breeches; that is the alderman of our ward." You must know, whatever he + read, I found he interpreted from his own way of life and acquaintance. I + am glad my readers can construe for themselves these difficult points; + but, for the benefit of posterity, I design, when I come to write my last + paper of this kind, to make it an explanation of all my former. In that + piece you shall have all I have commended with their proper names. The + faulty characters must be left as they are, because we live in an age + wherein vice is very general, and virtue very particular; for which reason + the latter only wants explanation. + </p> + <p> + But I must turn my present discourse to what is of yet greater regard to + me than the care of my writings; that is to say, the preservation of a + lady's heart. Little did I think I should ever have business of this kind + on my hands more; but, as little as any one who knows me would believe it, + there is a lady at this time who professes love to me. Her passion and + good humour you shall have in her own words. + </p> + <p> + "MR. BICKERSTAFF, + </p> + <p> + "I had formerly a very good opinion of myself; but it is now withdrawn, + and I have placed it upon you, Mr. Bickerstaff, for whom I am not ashamed + to declare I have a very great passion and tenderness. It is not for your + face, for that I never saw; your shape and height I am equally a stranger + to; but your understanding charms me, and I am lost if you do not + dissemble a little love for me. I am not without hopes; because I am not + like the tawdry gay things that are fit only to make bone-lace. I am + neither childish-young, nor beldame-old, but, the world says, a good + agreeable woman. + </p> + <p> + "Speak peace to a troubled heart, troubled only for you; and in your next + paper, let me find your thoughts of me. + </p> + <p> + "Do not think of finding out who I am, for, notwithstanding your interest + in demons, they cannot help you either to my name, or a sight of my face; + therefore, do not let them deceive you. + </p> + <p> + "I can bear no discourse, if you are not the subject; and believe me, I + know more of love than you do of astronomy. + </p> + <p> + "Pray, say some civil things in return to my generosity, and you shall + have my very best pen employed to thank you, and I will confirm it. + </p> + <p> + "I am your admirer, + </p> + <p> + "MARIA." + </p> + <p> + There is something wonderfully pleasing in the favour of women; and this + letter has put me in so good a humour, that nothing could displease me + since I received it. My boy breaks glasses and pipes, and instead of + giving him a knock on the pate, as my way is, for I hate scolding at + servants, I only say, "Ah, Jack! thou hast a head, and so has a pin," or + some such merry expression. But, alas! how am I mortified when he is + putting on my fourth pair of stockings on these poor spindles of mine! + "The fair one understands love better than I astronomy!" I am sure, + without the help of that art, this poor meagre trunk of mine is a very ill + habitation for love. She is pleased to speak civilly of my sense, but + Ingenium male habitat is an invincible difficulty in cases of this nature. + I had always, indeed, from a passion to please the eyes of the fair, a + great pleasure in dress. Add to this, that I have writ songs since I was + sixty, and have lived with all the circumspection of an old beau as I am. + But my friend Horace has very well said: "Every year takes something from + us;" and instructed me to form my pursuits and desires according to the + stage of my life; therefore, I have no more to value myself upon, than + that, I can converse with young people without peevishness, or wishing + myself a moment younger. For which reason, when I am amongst them, I + rather moderate than interrupt their diversions. But though I have this + complacency, I must not pretend to write to a lady civil things, as Maria + desires. Time was, when I could have told her, "I had received a letter + from her fair hands; and that, if this paper trembled as she read it, it + then best expressed its author," or some other gay conceit. Though I never + saw her, I could have told her, "that good sense and good-humour smiled in + her eyes; that constancy and good-nature dwelt in her heart; that beauty + and good-breeding appeared in all her actions." When I was + five-and-twenty, upon sight of one syllable, even wrong spelt, by a lady I + never saw, I could tell her, "that her height was that which was fit for + inviting our approach, and commanding our respect; that a smile sat on her + lips, which prefaced her expressions before she uttered them, and her + aspect prevented her speech. All she could say, though she had an infinite + deal of wit, was but a repetition of what was expressed by her form; her + form! which struck her beholders with ideas more moving and forcible than + ever were inspired by music, painting, or eloquence." At this rate I + panted in those days; but ah! sixty-three! I am very sorry I can only + return the agreeable Maria a passion expressed rather from the head than + the heart. + </p> + <p> + "DEAR MADAM, + </p> + <p> + "You have already seen the best of me, and I so passionately love you that + I desire we may never meet. If you will examine your heart, you will find + that you join the man with the philosopher; and if you have that kind + opinion of my sense as you pretend, I question not but you add to it + complexion, air, and shape; but, dear Molly, a man in his grand + climacteric is of no sex. Be a good girl, and conduct yourself with honour + and virtue, when you love one younger than myself. I am, with the greatest + tenderness, your innocent lover, + </p> + <p> + "I. B." <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + X.—A BUSINESS MEETING. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, October 25. + </p> + <p> + When I came home last night my servant delivered me the following letter: + </p> + <p> + "SIR, + </p> + <p> + "I have orders from Sir Harry Quickset, of Staffordshire, Baronet, to + acquaint you that his honour Sir Harry himself, Sir Giles Wheelbarrow, + Knight, Thomas Rentfree, Esquire, Justice of the Quorum, Andrew Windmill, + Esquire, and Mr. Nicholas Doubt, of the Inner Temple, Sir Harry's + grandson, will wait upon you at the hour of nine to-morrow morning, being + Tuesday the twenty-fifth of October, upon business which Sir Harry will + impart to you by word of mouth. I thought it proper to acquaint you + beforehand so many persons of quality came, that you might not be + surprised therewith. Which concludes, though by many years' absence since + I saw you at Stafford, unknown, Sir, your most humble servant, + </p> + <p> + "JOHN THRIFTY. + </p> + <p> + "October 24." + </p> + <p> + I received this message with less surprise than I believe Mr. Thrifty + imagined; for I knew the good company too well to feel any palpitations at + their approach; but I was in very great concern how I should adjust the + ceremonial, and demean myself to all these great men, who perhaps had not + seen anything above themselves for these twenty years last past. I am sure + that is the case of Sir Harry. Besides which, I was sensible that there + was a great point in adjusting my behaviour to the simple esquire, so as + to give him satisfaction and not disoblige the justice of the quorum. + </p> + <p> + The hour of nine was come this morning, and I had no sooner set chairs, by + the steward's letter, and fixed my tea-equipage, but I heard a knock at my + door, which was opened, but no one entered; after which followed a long + silence, which was broke at last by, "Sir, I beg your pardon; I think I + know better," and another voice, "Nay, good Sir Giles—" I looked out + from my window, and saw the good company all with their hats off and arms + spread, offering the door to each other. After many offers, they entered + with much solemnity, in the order Mr. Thrifty was so kind as to name them + to me. But they are now got to my chamber-door, and I saw my old friend + Sir Harry enter. I met him with all the respect due to so reverend a + vegetable; for you are to know that is my sense of a person who remains + idle in the same place for half a century. I got him with great success + into his chair by the fire, without throwing down any of my cups. The + knight-bachelor told me "he had a great respect for my whole family, and + would, with my leave, place himself next to Sir Harry, at whose right hand + he had sat at every quarter-sessions these thirty years, unless he was + sick." The steward in the rear whispered the young templar, "That is true + to my knowledge." I had the misfortune, as they stood cheek by jowl, to + desire the esquire to sit down before the justice of the quorum, to the no + small satisfaction of the former, and resentment of the latter. But I saw + my error too late, and got them as soon as I could into their seats. + "Well," said I, "gentlemen, after I have told you how glad I am of this + great honour, I am to desire you to drink a dish of tea." They answered + one and all, "that they never drank tea in a morning." "Not in a morning!" + said I, staring round me; upon which the pert jackanapes, Nic Doubt, + tipped me the wink, and put out his tongue at his grandfather. Here + followed a profound silence, when the steward in his boots and whip + proposed, "that we should adjourn to some public house, where everybody + might call for what they pleased, and enter upon the business." We all + stood up in an instant, and Sir Harry filed off from the left, very + discreetly, countermarching behind the chairs towards the door. After him + Sir Giles in the same manner. The simple esquire made a sudden start to + follow, but the justice of the quorum whipped between upon the stand of + the stairs. A maid, going up with coals, made us halt, and put us into + such confusion that we stood all in a heap, without any visible + possibility of recovering our order; for the young jackanapes seemed to + make a jest of this matter, and had so contrived, by pressing amongst us + under pretence of making way, that his grandfather was got into the + middle, and he knew nobody was of quality to stir a step till Sir Harry + moved first. We were fixed in this perplexity for some time, till we heard + a very loud noise in the street, and Sir Harry asking what it was, I, to + make them move, said it was fire. Upon this, all ran down as fast as they + could, without order or ceremony, till we got into the street, where we + drew up in very good order, and filed off down Sheer Lane; the impertinent + templar driving us before him as in a string, and pointing to his + acquaintance who passed by. + </p> + <p> + I must confess I love to use people according to their own sense of good + breeding, and therefore whipped in between the justice and the simple + esquire. He could not properly take this ill, but I overheard him whisper + the steward, "that he thought it hard that a common conjuror should take + place of him, though an elder esquire." In this order we marched down + Sheer Lane, at the upper end of which I lodge. + </p> + <p> + When we came to Temple Bar, Sir Harry and Sir Giles got over, but a run of + coaches kept the rest of us on this side the street. However, we all at + last landed, and drew up in very good order before Ben Tooke's shop, who + favoured our rallying with great humanity; from whence we proceeded again + till we came to Dick's coffee-house, where I designed to carry them. Here + we were at our old difficulty, and took up the street upon the same + ceremony. We proceeded through the entry, and were so necessarily kept in + order by the situation, that we were now got into the coffee-house itself, + where, as soon as we arrived we repeated our civilities to each other, + after which, we marched up to the high table, which has an ascent to it + enclosed in the middle of the room. The whole house was alarmed at this + entry, made up of persons of so much state and rusticity. Sir Harry called + for a mug of ale and Dyer's Letter. The boy brought the ale in an instant, + but said they did not take in the Letter. "No!" says Sir Harry, "then take + back your mug; we are like indeed to have good liquor at this house!" Here + the templar tipped me a second wink, and, if I had not looked very grave + upon him, I found he was disposed to be very familiar with me. In short, I + observed after a long pause, that the gentlemen did not care to enter upon + business till after their morning draught, for which reason I called for a + bottle of mum, and finding that had no effect upon them, I ordered a + second and a third, after which Sir Harry reached over to me and told me + in a low voice, "that the place was too public for business, but he would + call upon me again to-morrow morning at my own lodgings, and bring some + more friends with him." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XI.—DUELLO. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, November 11. + </p> + <p> + I had several hints and advertisements from unknown hands, that some, who + are enemies to my labours, design to demand the fashionable way of + satisfaction for the disturbance my Lucubrations have given them. I + confess, as things now stand, I do not know how to deny such inviters, and + am preparing myself accordingly. I have bought pumps and foils, and am + every morning practising in my chamber. My neighbour, the dancing-master, + has demanded of me why I take this liberty, since I would not allow it + him? but I answered, "His was an act of an indifferent nature, and mine of + necessity." My late treatises against duels have so far disobliged the + fraternity of the noble science of defence, that I can get none of them to + show me so much as one pass. I am, therefore, obliged to learn by book; + and have accordingly several volumes, wherein all the postures are exactly + delineated. I must confess I am shy of letting people see me at this + exercise, because of my flannel waistcoat, and my spectacles, which I am + forced to fix on, the better to observe the posture of the enemy. + </p> + <p> + I have upon my chamber-walls drawn at full length the figures of all sorts + of men, from eight foot to three foot two inches. Within this height, I + take it, that all the fighting men of Great Britain are comprehended. But, + as I push, I make allowances for my being of a lank and spare body, and + have chalked out in every figure my own dimensions: for I scorn to rob any + man of his life, or to take advantage of his breadth: therefore, I press + purely in a line down from his nose, and take no more of him to assault + than he has of me: for, to speak impartially, if a lean fellow wounds a + fat one in any part to the right or left, whether it be in carte or in + tierce, beyond the dimensions of the said lean fellow's own breadth, I + take it to be murder, and such a murder as is below a gentleman to commit. + As I am spare, I am also very tall, and behave myself with relation to + that advantage with the same punctilio; and I am ready to stoop or stand, + according to the stature of my adversary. I must confess I have had great + success this morning, and have hit every figure round the room in a mortal + part, without receiving the least hurt, except a little scratch by falling + on my face, in pushing at one at the lower end of my chamber; but I + recovered so quick, and jumped so nimbly into my guard, that, if he had + been alive, he could not have hurt me. It is confessed I have writ against + duels with some warmth; but in all my discourses I have not ever said that + I knew how a gentleman could avoid a duel if he were provoked to it; and + since that custom is now become a law, I know nothing but the legislative + power, with new animadversions upon it, can put us in a capacity of + denying challenges, though we are afterwards hanged for it. But, no more + of this at present. As things stand, I shall put up no more affronts; and + I shall be so far from taking ill words, that I will not take ill looks. I + therefore, warn all hot young fellows not to look hereafter more terrible + than their neighbours: for, if they stare at me with their hats cocked + higher than other people, I will not bear it. Nay, I give warning to all + people in general to look kindly at me, for I will bear no frowns, even + from ladies; and if any woman pretends to look scornfully at me, I shall + demand satisfaction of the next of kin of the masculine gender. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XII.—HAPPY MARRIAGE. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, November 16. + </p> + <p> + There are several persons who have many pleasures and entertainments in + their possession, which they do not enjoy. It is, therefore, a kind and + good office to acquaint them with their own happiness, and turn their + attention to such instances of their good fortune which they are apt to + overlook. Persons in the married state often want such a monitor; and pine + away their days, by looking upon the same condition in anguish and murmur, + which carries with it in the opinion of others a complication of all the + pleasures of life, and a retreat from its inquietudes. + </p> + <p> + I am led into this thought by a visit I made an old friend, who was + formerly my school-fellow. He came to town last week with his family for + the winter, and yesterday morning sent me word his wife expected me to + dinner. I am, as it were, at home at that house, and every member of it + knows me for their well-wisher. I cannot, indeed, express the pleasure it + is to be met by the children with so much joy as I am when I go thither. + The boys and girls strive who shall come first when they think it is I + that am knocking at the door; and that child which loses the race to me + runs back again to tell the father it is Mr. Bickerstaff. This day I was + led in by a pretty girl, that we all thought must have forgot me, for the + family has been out of town these two years. Her knowing me again was a + mighty subject with us, and took up our discourse at the first entrance. + After which they began to rally me upon a thousand little stories they + heard in the country about my marriage to one of my neighbour's daughters. + Upon which the gentleman, my friend, said, "Nay, if Mr. Bickerstaff + marries a child of any of his old companions, I hope mine shall have the + preference: there is Mrs. Mary is now sixteen, and would make him as fine + a widow as the best of them. But I know him too well; he is so enamoured + with the very memory of those who flourished in our youth, that he will + not so much as look upon the modern beauties. I remember, old gentleman, + how often you went home in a day to refresh your countenance and dress, + when Teraminta reigned in your heart. As we came up in the coach, I + repeated to my wife some of your verses on her." With such reflections on + little passages, which happened long ago, we passed our time, during a + cheerful and elegant meal. After dinner his lady left the room, as did + also the children. As soon as we were alone, he took me by the hand; + "Well, my good friend," says he, "I am heartily glad to see thee: I was + afraid you would never have seen all the company that dined with you + to-day again. Do not you think the good woman of the house a little + altered, since you followed her from the play-house, to find out who she + was for me?" I perceived a tear fall down his cheek as he spoke, which + moved me not a little. But, to turn the discourse, said I, "She is not + indeed quite that creature she was, when she returned me the letter I + carried from you: and told me 'she hoped, as I was a gentleman, I would be + employed no more to trouble her, who had never offended me; but would be + so much the gentleman's friend as to dissuade him from a pursuit which he + could never succeed in.' You may remember I thought her in earnest, and + you were forced to employ your cousin Will, who made his sister get + acquainted with her for you. You cannot expect her to be for ever + fifteen." "Fifteen!" replied my good friend; "ah! you little understand, + you that have lived a bachelor, how great, how exquisite a pleasure there + is, in being really beloved! It is impossible, that the most beauteous + face in nature should raise in me such pleasing ideas, as when I look upon + that excellent woman. That fading in her countenance is chiefly caused by + her watching with me, in my fever. This was followed by a fit of sickness, + which had like to have carried her off last winter. I tell you sincerely, + I have so many obligations to her, that I cannot, with any sort of + moderation, think of her present state of health. But as to what you say + of fifteen, she gives me every day pleasures beyond what I ever knew in + the possession of her beauty, when I was in the vigour of youth. Every + moment of her life brings me fresh instances of her complacency to my + inclinations, and her prudence in regard to my fortune. Her face is to me + much more beautiful than when I first saw it; there is no decay in any + feature, which I cannot trace from the very instant it was occasioned by + some anxious concern for my welfare and interests. Thus, at the same time, + methinks, the love I conceived towards her for what she was, is heightened + by my gratitude for what she is. The love of a wife is as much above the + idle passion commonly called by that name, as the loud laughter of + buffoons is inferior to the elegant mirth of gentlemen. Oh! she is an + inestimable jewel. In her examination of her household affairs she shows a + certain fearfulness to find a fault, which makes her servants obey her + like children: and the meanest we have has an ingenuous shame for an + offence, not always to be seen in children in other families. I speak + freely to you, my old friend: ever since her sickness, things that gave me + the quickest joy before turn now to a certain anxiety. As the children + play in the next room, I know the poor things by their steps, and am + considering what they must do, should they lose their mother in their + tender years. The pleasure I used to take in telling my boy stories of the + battles, and asking my girl questions about the disposal of her baby, and + the gossiping of it, is turned into inward reflection and melancholy." + </p> + <p> + He would have gone on in this tender way, when the good lady entered, and, + with an inexpressible sweetness in her countenance, told us "she had been + searching her closet for something very good, to treat such an old friend + as I was." Her husband's eyes sparkled with pleasure at the cheerfulness + of her countenance; and I saw all his fears vanish in an instant. The lady + observing something in our looks which showed we had been more serious + than ordinary, and seeing her husband receive her with great concern under + a forced cheerfulness, immediately guessed at what we had been talking of; + and applying herself to me, said, with a smile, "Mr. Bickerstaff, do not + believe a word of what he tells you. I shall still live to have you for my + second, as I have often promised you, unless he takes more care of himself + than he has done since his coming to town. You must know he tells me that + he finds London is a much more healthy place than the country, for he sees + several of his old acquaintances and school-fellows are here young fellows + with fair full-bottomed periwigs. I could scarce keep him this morning + from going out open-breasted." My friend, who is always extremely + delighted with her agreeable humour, made her sit down with us. She did it + with that easiness which is peculiar to women of sense; and to keep up the + good humour she had brought in with her, turned her raillery upon me. "Mr. + Bickerstaff, you remember you followed me one night from the play-house; + suppose you should carry me thither to-morrow night, and lead me into the + front box." This put us into a long field of discourse about the beauties, + who were mothers to the present, and shined in the boxes twenty years ago. + I told her, "I was glad she had transferred so many of her charms, and I + did not question but her eldest daughter was within half a year of being a + Toast." + </p> + <p> + We were pleasing ourselves with this fantastical preferment of the young + lady, when on a sudden we were alarmed with the noise of a drum, and + immediately entered my little godson to give me a point of war. His + mother, between laughing and chiding, would have put him out of the room; + but I would not part with him so. I found upon conversation with him, + though he was a little noisy in his mirth, that the child had excellent + parts, and was a great master of all the learning on the other side eight + years old. I perceived him a very great historian in AEsop's Fables: but + he frankly declared to me his mind, that he did not delight in that + learning, because he did not believe they were true; for which reason I + found he had very much turned his studies for about a twelve-month past, + into the lives and adventures of Don Bellianis of Greece, Guy of Warwick, + the Seven Champions, and other historians of that age. I could not but + observe the satisfaction the father took in the forwardness of his son; + and that these diversions might turn to some profit, I found the boy had + made remarks which might be of service to him during the course of his + whole life. He would tell you the mis-managements of John Hickathrift, + find fault with the passionate temper in Bevis of Southampton, and loved + Saint George for being the champion of England; and by this means had his + thoughts insensibly moulded into the notions of discretion, virtue, and + honour. I was extolling his accomplishments, when the mother told me that + the little girl who led me in this morning was in her way a better scholar + than he. "Betty," says she, "deals chiefly in fairies and sprites, and + sometimes in a winter-night will terrify the maids with her accounts, till + they are afraid to go up to bed." + </p> + <p> + I sat with them till it was very late, sometimes in merry, sometimes in + serious, discourse, with this particular pleasure, which gives the only + true relish to all conversation, a sense that every one of us liked each + other. I went home, considering the different conditions of a married life + and that of a bachelor; and I must confess it struck me with a secret + concern, to reflect, that whenever I go off I shall leave no traces behind + me. In this pensive mood I return to my family; that is to say, to my + maid, my dog, and my cat, who only can be the better or worse for what + happens to me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XIII.—DEAD FOLK. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, November 17. + </p> + <p> + It has cost me very much care and thought to marshal and fix the people + under their proper denominations, and to range them according to their + respective characters. These my endeavours have been received with + unexpected success in one kind, but neglected in another; for though I + have many readers, I have but few converts. This must certainly proceed + from a false opinion, that what I write is designed rather to amuse and + entertain than convince and instruct. I entered upon my Essays with a + declaration that I should consider mankind in quite another manner than + they had hitherto been represented to the ordinary world, and asserted + that none but a useful life should be, with me, any life at all. But, lest + this doctrine should have made this small progress towards the conviction + of mankind, because it may appear to the unlearned light and whimsical, I + must take leave to unfold the wisdom and antiquity of my first proposition + in these my essays, to wit, that "every worthless man is a dead man." This + notion is as old as Pythagoras, in whose school it was a point of + discipline, that if among the Akoustikoi, * or probationers, there were + any who grew weary of studying to be useful, and returned to an idle life, + the rest were to regard them as dead, and upon their departing, to perform + their obsequies and raise them tombs, with inscriptions, to warn others of + the like mortality, and quicken them to resolutions of refining their + souls above that wretched state. It is upon a like supposition that young + ladies, at this very time, in Roman Catholic countries, are received into + some nunneries with their coffins, and with the pomp of a formal funeral, + to signify that henceforth they are to be of no further use, and + consequently dead. Nor was Pythagoras himself the first author of this + symbol, with whom, and with the Hebrews, it was generally received. Much + more might be offered in illustration of this doctrine from sacred + authority, which I recommend to my reader's own reflection; who will + easily recollect, from places which I do not think fit to quote here, the + forcible manner of applying the words dead and living to men, as they are + good or bad. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + * Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text. +</pre> + <p> + I have, therefore, composed the following scheme of existence for the + benefit both of the living and the dead; though chiefly for the latter, + whom I must desire to read it with all possible attention. In the number + of the dead I comprehend all persons, of what title or dignity soever, who + bestow most of their time in eating and drinking, to support that + imaginary existence of theirs which they call life; or in dressing and + adorning those shadows and apparitions, which are looked upon by the + vulgar as real men and women. In short, whoever resides in the world + without having any business in it, and passes away an age without ever + thinking on the errand for which he was sent hither, is to me a dead man + to all intents and purposes, and I desire that he may be so reputed. The + living are only those that are some way or other laudably employed in the + improvement of their own minds, or for the advantage of others; and even + among these, I shall only reckon into their lives that part of their time + which has been spent in the manner above mentioned. By these means, I am + afraid we shall find the longest lives not to consist of many months, and + the greatest part of the earth to be quite unpeopled. According to this + system we may observe that some men are born at twenty years of age, some + at thirty, some at threescore, and some not above an hour before they die; + nay, we may observe multitudes that die without ever being born, as well + as many dead persons that fill up the bulk of mankind, and make a better + figure in the eyes of the ignorant, than those who are alive, and in their + proper and full state of health. However, since there may be many good + subjects, that pay their taxes, and live peaceably in their habitations, + who are not yet born, or have departed this life several years since, my + design is to encourage both to join themselves as soon as possible to the + number of the living. For as I invite the former to break forth into being + and become good for something, so I allow the latter a state of + resuscitation, which I chiefly mention for the sake of a person who has + lately published an advertisement, with several scurrilous terms in it, + that do by no means become a dead man to give. It is my departed friend, + John Partridge, who concludes the advertisement of his next year's + almanack with the following note: + </p> + <p> + "Whereas it has been industriously given out by Bickerstaff, Esquire, and + others, to prevent the sale of this year's almanack, that John Partridge + is dead: this may inform all his loving countrymen, that he is still + living in health, and they are knaves that reported it otherwise. + </p> + <p> + "J. P." + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + From my own Apartment, November 25. + </p> + <p> + I have already taken great pains to inspire notions of honour and virtue + into the people of this kingdom, and used all gentle methods imaginable, + to bring those who are dead in idleness, folly, and pleasure, into life, + by applying themselves to learning, wisdom, and industry. But, since fair + means are ineffectual, I must proceed to extremities, and shall give my + good friends, the Company of Upholders, full power to bury all such dead + as they meet with, who are within my former descriptions of deceased + persons. In the meantime the following remonstrance of that corporation I + take to be very just. + </p> + <p> + "WORTHY SIR, + </p> + <p> + "Upon reading your Tatler of Saturday last, by which we received the + agreeable news of so many deaths, we immediately ordered in a considerable + quantity of blacks, and our servants have wrought night and day ever since + to furnish out the necessaries for these deceased. But so it is, Sir, that + of this vast number of dead bodies that go putrifying up and down the + streets, not one of them has come to us to be buried. Though we should be + loth to be any hindrance to our good friends the physicians, yet we cannot + but take notice what infection Her Majesty's subjects are liable to from + the horrible stench of so many corpses. Sir, we will not detain you; our + case in short is this: Here are we embarked in this undertaking for the + public good. Now, if people should be suffered to go on unburied at this + rate, there is an end of the usefullest manufactures and handicrafts of + the kingdom; for where will be your sextons, coffin-makers, and plumbers? + What will become of your embalmers, epitaph-mongers, and chief-mourners? + We are loth to drive this matter any farther, though we tremble at the + consequences of it; for if it shall be left to every dead man's discretion + not to be buried till he sees his time, no man can say where that will + end; but thus much we will take upon us to affirm, that such a toleration + will be intolerable. + </p> + <p> + "What would make us easy in this matter is no more but that your Worship + would be pleased to issue out your orders to ditto Dead to repair + forthwith to our office, in order to their interment, where constant + attendance shall be given to treat with all persons according to their + quality, and the poor to be buried for nothing. And, for the convenience + of such persons as are willing enough to be dead, but that they are afraid + their friends and relations should know it, we have a back door into + Warwick Street, from whence they may be interred with all secrecy + imaginable, and without loss of time or hindrance of business. But in case + of obstinacy, for we would gladly make a thorough riddance, we desire a + farther power from your Worship, to take up such deceased as shall not + have complied with your first orders wherever we meet them; and if, after + that, there shall be complaints of any person so offending, let them lie + at our doors. + </p> + <p> + "We are your Worship's till death, + </p> + <p> + "The MASTER and COMPANY of UPHOLDERS. + </p> + <p> + "P.S. We are ready to give in our printed proposals at large, and if your + Worship approves of our undertaking, we desire the following advertisement + may be inserted in your next paper: + </p> + <p> + "Whereas a commission of interment has been awarded against Doctor John + Partridge, philomath, professor of physic and astrology, and whereas the + said Partridge hath not surrendered himself, nor shown cause to the + contrary: These are to certify that the Company of Upholders will proceed + to bury him from Cordwainer's Hall, on Tuesday the twenty-ninth instant, + where any six of his surviving friends, who still believe him to be alive, + are desired to come prepared to hold up the pall. + </p> + <p> + "Note. We shall light away at six in the evening, there being to be a + sermon. + </p> + <p> + "From our Office near the Haymarket, Nov. 23." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XIV.—THE WIFE DEAD. + </h2> + <p> + Sheer Lane, December 30. + </p> + <p> + I was walking about my chamber this morning in a very gay humour, when I + saw a coach stop at my door, and a youth about fifteen alighting out of + it, who I perceived to be the eldest son of my bosom friend, that I gave + some account of in a previous paper. I felt a sensible pleasure rising in + me at the sight of him, my acquaintance having begun with his father when + he was just such a stripling, and about that very age. When he came up to + me, he took me by the hand, and burst into tears. I was extremely moved, + and immediately said, "Child, how does your father do?" He began to reply, + "My mother—" but could not go on for weeping. I went down with him + into the coach, and gathered out of him, "That his mother was then dying; + and that, while the holy man was doing the last offices to her, he had + taken that time to come and call me to his father, who, he said, would + certainly break his heart, if I did not go and comfort him." The child's + discretion in coming to me of his own head, and the tenderness he showed + for his parents would have quite overpowered me, had I not resolved to + fortify myself for the seasonable performances of those duties which I + owed to my friend. As we were going, I could not but reflect upon the + character of that excellent woman, and the greatness of his grief for the + loss of one who has ever been the support to him under all other + afflictions. How, thought I, will he be able to bear the hour of her + death, that could not, when I was lately with him, speak of a sickness, + which was then past, without sorrow! We were now got pretty far into + Westminster, and arrived at my friend's house. At the door of it I met + Favonius, not without a secret satisfaction to find he had been there. I + had formerly conversed with him at his house; and as he abounds with that + sort of virtue and knowledge which makes religion beautiful, and never + leads the conversation into the violence and rage of party disputes, I + listened to him with great pleasure. Our discourse chanced to be upon the + subject of death, which he treated with such a strength of reason, and + greatness of soul, that, instead of being terrible, it appeared to a mind + rightly cultivated, altogether to be contemned, or rather to be desired. + As I met him at the door, I saw in his face a certain glowing of grief and + humanity, heightened with an air of fortitude and resolution, which, as I + afterwards found, had such an irresistible force, as to suspend the pains + of the dying, and the lamentation of the nearest friends who attended her. + I went up directly to the room where she lay, and was met at the entrance + by my friend, who, notwithstanding his thoughts had been composed a little + before, at the sight of me turned away his face and wept. The little + family of children renewed the expressions of their sorrow according to + their several ages and degrees of understanding. The eldest daughter was + in tears, busied in attendance upon her mother; others were kneeling about + the bedside: and what troubled me most, was, to see a little boy, who was + too young to know the reason, weeping only because his sisters did. The + only one in the room who seemed resigned and comforted was the dying + person. At my approach to the bedside, she told me, with a low broken + voice, "This is kindly done—take care of your friend—do not go + from him!" She had before taken leave of her husband and children, in a + manner proper for so solemn a parting, and with a gracefulness peculiar to + a woman of her character. My heart was torn to pieces, to see the husband + on one side suppressing and keeping down the swellings of his grief, for + fear of disturbing her in her last moments; and the wife even at that time + concealing the pains she endured, for fear of increasing his affliction. + She kept her eyes upon him for some moments after she grew speechless, and + soon after closed them for ever. In the moment of her departure, my + friend, who had thus far commanded himself, gave a deep groan, and fell + into a swoon by her bedside. The distraction of the children, who thought + they saw both their parents expiring together, and now lying dead before + them, would have melted the hardest heart; but they soon perceived their + father recover, whom I helped to remove into another room, with a + resolution to accompany him till the first pangs of his affliction were + abated. I knew consolation would now be impertinent; and, therefore, + contented myself to sit by him, and condole with him in silence. For I + shall here use the method of an ancient author, who in one of his + epistles, relating the virtues and death of Macrinus's wife, expresses + himself thus: "I shall suspend my advice to this best of friends, till he + is made capable of receiving it by those three great remedies (necessitas + ipsa, dies longa, et satietas doloris), the necessity of submission, + length of time, and satiety of grief." + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, I cannot but consider, with much commiseration, the + melancholy state of one who has had such a part of himself torn from him, + and which he misses in every circumstance of life. His condition is like + that of one who has lately lost his right arm, and is every moment + offering to help himself with it. He does not appear to himself the same + person in his house, at his table, in company, or in retirement; and loses + the relish of all the pleasures and diversions that were before + entertaining to him by her participation of them. This additional + satisfaction, from the taste of pleasures in the society of one we love, + is admirably described in Milton, who represents Eve, though in Paradise + itself, no further pleased with the beautiful objects around her, than as + she sees them in company with Adam, in that passage so inexpressibly + charming: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "With thee conversing, I forget all time; + All seasons, and their change; all please alike. + Sweet is the breath of morn, her rising sweet + With charm of earliest birds; pleasant the sun, + When first on this delightful land he spreads + His orient beams, on herb, tree, fruit, and flower, + Glistering with dew; fragrant the fertile earth + After short showers; and sweet the coming on + Of grateful evening mild; the silent night, + With this her solemn bird, and this fair moon, + And these the gems of Heaven, her starry train. + But neither breath of morn when she ascends + With charm of earliest birds; nor rising sun + On this delightful land; nor herb, fruit, flower, + Glistering with dew; nor fragrance after showers; + Nor grateful evening mild; nor silent night, + With this her solemn bird, nor walk by moon, + Or glittering star-light, without thee is sweet." +</pre> + <p> + The variety of images in this passage is infinitely pleasing; and the + recapitulation of each particular image, with a little varying of the + expression, makes one of the finest turns of words that I have ever seen: + which I rather mention because Mr. Dryden has said, in his preface to + Juvenal, that he could meet with no turn of words in Milton. + </p> + <p> + It may further be observed, that though the sweetness of these verses has + something in it of a pastoral, yet it excels the ordinary kind, as much as + the scene of it is above an ordinary field or meadow. I might here, as I + am accidentally led into this subject, show several passages in Milton + that have as excellent turns of this nature as any of our English poets + whatsoever; but shall only mention that which follows, in which he + describes the fallen angels engaged in the intricate disputes of + predestination, free-will, and fore-knowledge; and, to humour the + perplexity, makes a kind of labyrinth in the very words that describe it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Others apart sat on a hill retired, + In thoughts more elevate, and reasoned high + Of providence, fore-knowledge, will, and fate, + Fixed fate, free-will, fore-knowledge absolute, + And found no end, in wandering mazes lost." +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XV.—THE CLUB AT "THE TRUMPET." + </h2> + <p> + Sheer Lane, February 10, 1710. + </p> + <p> + After having applied my mind with more than ordinary attention to my + studies, it is my usual custom to relax and unbend it in the conversation + of such as are rather easy than shining companions. This I find + particularly necessary for me before I retire, to rest, in order to draw + my slumbers upon me by degrees, and fall asleep insensibly. This is the + particular use I make of a set of heavy honest men, with whom I have + passed many hours with much indolence, though not with great pleasure. + Their conversation is a kind of preparative for sleep; it takes the mind + down from its abstractions, leads it into the familiar traces of thought, + and lulls it into that state of tranquillity, which is the condition of a + thinking man, when he is but half-awake. After this, my reader will not be + surprised to hear the account which I am about to give of a club of my own + contemporaries, among whom I pass two or three hours every evening. This I + look upon as taking my first nap before I go to bed. The truth of it is, I + should think myself unjust to posterity, as well as to the society at "The + Trumpet," of which I am a member, did not I in some part of my writings + give an account of the persons among whom I have passed almost a sixth + part of my time for these last forty years. Our club consisted originally + of fifteen; but, partly by the severity of the law in arbitrary times, and + partly by the natural effects of old age, we are at present reduced to a + third part of that number: in which, however, we have this consolation + that the best company is said to consist of five persons. I must confess, + besides the aforementioned benefit which I meet with in the conversation + of this select society, I am not the less pleased with the company, in + that I find myself the greatest wit among them, and am heard as their + oracle in all points of learning and difficulty. + </p> + <p> + Sir Jeoffery Notch, who is the oldest of the club, has been in possession + of the right-hand chair time out of mind, and is the only man among us + that has the liberty of stirring the fire. This our foreman is a gentleman + of an ancient family, that came to a great estate some years before he had + discretion, and run it out in hounds, horses, and cock-fighting; for which + reason he looks upon himself as an honest, worthy gentleman, who has had + misfortunes in the world, and calls every thriving man a pitiful upstart. + </p> + <p> + Major Matchlock is the next senior, who served in the last civil wars, and + has all the battles by heart. He does not think any action in Europe worth + talking of, since the fight of Marston Moor; and every night tells us of + his having been knocked off his horse at the rising of the London + apprentices; for which he is in great esteem among us. + </p> + <p> + Honest old Dick Reptile is the third of our society. He is a good-natured + indolent man, who speaks little himself, but laughs at our jokes; and + brings his young nephew along with him, a youth of eighteen years old, to + show him good company, and give him a taste of the world. This young + fellow sits generally silent; but whenever he opens his mouth, or laughs + at anything that passes, he is constantly told by his uncle, after a + jocular manner, "Ay, ay, Jack, you young men think us fools; but we old + men know you are." + </p> + <p> + The greatest wit of our company, next to myself, is a Bencher, of the + neighbouring Inn, who in his youth frequented the ordinaries about Charing + Cross, and pretends to have been intimate with Jack Ogle. He has about ten + distichs of Hudibras without book, and never leaves the club till he has + applied them all. If any modern wit be mentioned, or any town-frolic + spoken of, he shakes his head at the dulness of the present age, and tells + us a story of Jack Ogle. + </p> + <p> + For my own part, I am esteemed among them, because they see I am something + respected by others; though at the same time I understand by their + behaviour, that I am considered by them as a man of a great deal of + learning, but no knowledge of the world; insomuch, that the Major + sometimes, in the height of his military pride, calls me the philosopher; + and Sir Jeoffery, no longer ago than last night, upon a dispute what day + of the month it was then in Holland, pulled his pipe out of his mouth, and + cried, "What does the Scholar say to it?" + </p> + <p> + Our club meets precisely at six o'clock in the evening; but I did not come + last night till half an hour after seven, by which means I escaped the + battle of Naseby, which the Major usually begins at about three-quarters + after six. I found also, that my good friend the Bencher had already spent + three of his distichs; and only waiting an opportunity to hear a sermon + spoken of that he might introduce the couplet where "a stick" rhymes to + "ecclesiastic." At my entrance into the room, they were naming a red + petticoat and a cloak, by which I found that the Bencher had been + diverting them with a story of Jack Ogle. + </p> + <p> + I had no sooner taken my seat, but Sir Jeoffery, to show his good will + towards me, gave me a pipe of his own tobacco, and stirred up the fire. I + look upon it as a point of morality, to be obliged by those who endeavour + to oblige me; and therefore, in requital for his kindness, and to set the + conversation a-going, I took the best occasion I could to put him upon + telling us the story of old Gantlett, which he always does with very + particular concern. He traced up his descent on both sides for several + generations, describing his diet and manner of life, with his several + battles, and particularly that in which he fell. This Gantlett was a + game-cock, upon whose head the knight, in his youth, had won five hundred + pounds, and lost two thousand. This naturally set the Major upon the + account of Edge-hill fight, and ended in a duel of Jack Ogle's. + </p> + <p> + Old Reptile was extremely attentive to all that was said, though it was + the same he had heard every night for these twenty years, and upon all + occasions winked upon his nephew to mind what passed. + </p> + <p> + This may suffice to give the world a taste of our innocent conversation, + which we spun out till about ten of the clock, when my maid came with a + lantern to light me home. I could not but reflect with myself, as I was + going out, upon the talkative humour of old men, and the little figure + which that part of life makes in one who cannot employ this natural + propensity in discourses which would make him venerable. I must own, it + makes me very melancholy in company, when I hear a young man begin a + story; and have often observed, that one of a quarter of an hour long in a + man of five-and-twenty, gathers circumstances every time he tells it, till + it grows into a long Canterbury tale of two hours by that time he is + three-score. + </p> + <p> + The only way of avoiding such a trifling and frivolous old age is to lay + up in our way to it such stores of knowledge and observation as may make + us useful and agreeable in our declining years. The mind of man in a long + life will become a magazine of wisdom or folly, and will consequently + discharge itself in something impertinent or improving. For which reason, + as there is nothing more ridiculous than an old trifling story-teller, so + there is nothing more venerable than one who has turned his experience to + the entertainment and advantage of mankind. + </p> + <p> + In short, we, who are in the last stage of life, and are apt to indulge + ourselves in talk, ought to consider if what we speak be worth being + heard, and endeavour to make our discourse like that of Nestor, which + Homer compares to the flowing of honey for its sweetness. + </p> + <p> + I am afraid I shall be thought guilty of this excess I am speaking of, + when I cannot conclude without observing that Milton certainly thought of + this passage in Homer, when, in his description of an eloquent spirit, he + says— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "His tongue dropped manna." +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XVI.—A VERY PRETTY POET. + </h2> + <p> + Will's Coffee-house, April 24. + </p> + <p> + I yesterday came hither about two hours before the company generally make + their appearance, with a design to read over all the newspapers; but, upon + my sitting down, I was accosted by Ned Softly, who saw me from a corner in + the other end of the room, where I found he had been writing something. + "Mr. Bickerstaff," says he, "I observe by a late paper of yours, that you + and I are just of a humour; for you must know, of all impertinences, there + is nothing which I so much hate as news. I never read a gazette in my + life; and never trouble my head about our armies, whether they win or + lose, or in what part of the world they lie encamped." Without giving me + time to reply, he drew a paper of verses out of his pocket, telling me, + "that he had something which would entertain me more agreeably, and that + he would desire my judgment upon every line, for that we had time enough + before us till the company came in." + </p> + <p> + Ned Softly is a very pretty poet, and a great admirer of easy lines. + Waller is his favourite: and as that admirable writer has the best and + worst verses of any among our great English poets, Ned Softly has got all + the bad ones without book, which he repeats upon occasion, to show his + reading, and garnish his conversation. Ned is indeed a true English + reader, incapable of relishing the great and masterly strokes of this art; + but wonderfully pleased with the little Gothic ornaments of epigrammatical + conceits, turns, points, and quibbles, which are so frequent in the most + admired of our English poets, and practised by those who want genius and + strength to represent, after the manner of the ancients, simplicity in its + natural beauty and perfection. + </p> + <p> + Finding myself unavoidably engaged in such a conversation, I was resolved + to turn my pain into a pleasure and to divert myself as well as I could + with so very odd a fellow. "You must understand," says Ned, "that the + sonnet I am going to read to you was written upon a lady, who showed me + some verses of her own making, and is, perhaps, the best poet of our age. + But you shall hear it." + </p> + <p> + Upon which he began to read as follows: + </p> + <p> + "TO MIRA, ON HER INCOMPARABLE POEMS. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 1. + "When dressed in laurel wreaths you shine, + And tune your soft melodious notes, + You seem a sister of the Nine, + Or Phoebus' self in petticoats. + + 2. + "I fancy, when your song you sing, + Your song you sing with so much art, + Your pen was plucked from Cupid's wing; + For, ah! it wounds me like his dart." +</pre> + <p> + "Why," says I, "this is a little nosegay of conceits, a very lump of salt: + every verse has something in it that piques; and then the dart in the last + line is certainly as pretty a sting in the tail of an epigram, for so I + think you critics call it, as ever entered into the thought of a poet." + "Dear Mr. Bickerstaff," says he, shaking me by the hand, "everybody knows + you to be a judge of these things; and, to tell you truly, I read over + Roscommon's translation of Horace's 'Art of Poetry' three several times + before I sat down to write the sonnet which I have shown you. But you + shall hear it again, and pray observe every line of it; for not one of + them shall pass without your approbation. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'When dressed in laurel wreaths you shine,' +</pre> + <p> + "That is," says he, "when you have your garland on; when you are writing + verses." To which I replied, "I know your meaning: a metaphor!" "The + same," said he, and went on. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'And tune your soft melodious notes,' +</pre> + <p> + "Pray observe the gliding of that verse; there is scarce a consonant in + it: I took care to make it run upon liquids. Give me your opinion of it." + "Truly," said I, "I think it as good as the former." "I am very glad to + hear you say so," says he; "but mind the next. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'You seem a sister of the Nine, +</pre> + <p> + "That is," says he, "you seem a sister of the Muses; for, if you look into + ancient authors, you will find it was their opinion that there were nine + of them." "I remember it very well," said I; "but pray proceed." + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'Or Phoebus' self in petticoats.' +</pre> + <p> + "Phoebus," says he, "was the god of Poetry. These little instances, Mr. + Bickerstaff, show a gentleman's reading. Then to take off from the air of + learning, which Phoebus and the Muses had given to this first stanza, you + may observe, how it falls all of a sudden into the familiar; 'in + petticoats!' + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'Or Phoebus' self in petticoats.'" +</pre> + <p> + "Let us now," says I, "enter upon the second stanza; I find the first line + is still a continuation of the metaphor. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'I fancy when your song you sing.'" +</pre> + <p> + "It is very right," says he; "but pray observe the turn of words in those + two lines. I was a whole hour in adjusting of them, and have still a doubt + upon me whether in the second line it should be, 'Your song you sing; or, + You sing your song?' You shall hear them both: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'I fancy, when your song you sing, + Your song you sing with so much art,' +</pre> + <p> + or, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'I fancy, when your song you sing, + You sing your song with so much art.'" +</pre> + <p> + "Truly," said I, "the turn is so natural either way, that you have made me + almost giddy with it." "Dear sir," said he, grasping me by the hand, "you + have a great deal of patience; but pray what do you think of the next + verse? + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'Your pen was plucked from Cupid's wing.'" +</pre> + <p> + "Think!" says I; "I think you have made Cupid look like a little goose." + "That was my meaning," says he: "I think the ridicule is well enough hit + off. But we come now to the last, which sums up the whole matter. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'For, ah! it wounds me like his dart.' +</pre> + <p> + "Pray how do you like that Ah! doth it not make a pretty figure in that + place? Ah!—it looks as if I felt the dart, and cried out at being + pricked with it. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "'For, ah! it wounds me like his dart.' +</pre> + <p> + "My friend Dick Easy," continued he, "assured me, he would rather have + written that Ah! than to have been the author of the AEneid. He indeed + objected, that I made Mira's pen like a quill in one of the lines, and + like a dart in the other. But as to that—" "Oh! as to that," says I, + "it is but supposing Cupid to be like a porcupine, and his quills and + darts will be the same thing." He was going to embrace me for the hint; + but half a dozen critics coming into the room, whose faces he did not + like, he conveyed the sonnet into his pocket, and whispered me in the ear, + "he would show it me again as soon as his man had written it over fair." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XVII.—FATHERLY CARE. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, June 23. + </p> + <p> + Having lately turned my thoughts upon the consideration of the behaviour + of parents to children in the great affair of marriage, I took much + delight in turning over a bundle of letters which a gentleman's steward in + the country had sent me some time ago. This parcel is a collection of + letters written by the children of the family to which he belongs to their + father, and contain all the little passages of their lives, and the new + ideas they received as the years advanced. There is in them an account of + their diversions as well as their exercises; and what I thought very + remarkable is, that two sons of the family, who now make considerable + figures in the world, gave omens of that sort of character which they now + bear in the first rudiments of thought which they show in their letters. + Were one to point out a method of education, one could not, methinks, + frame one more pleasing or improving than this; where the children get a + habit of communicating their thoughts and inclinations to their best + friend with so much freedom, that he can form schemes for their future + life and conduct from an observation of their tempers; and by that means + be early enough in choosing their way of life, to make them forward in + some art or science at an age when others have not determined what + profession to follow. As to the persons concerned in this packet I am + speaking of, they have given great proofs of the force of this conduct of + their father in the effect it has upon their lives and manners. The older, + who is a scholar, showed from his infancy a propensity to polite studies, + and has made a suitable progress in literature; but his learning is so + well woven into his mind, that from the impressions of it, he seems rather + to have contracted a habit of life than manner of discourse. To his books + he seems to owe a good economy in his affairs, and a complacency in his + manners, though in others that way of education has commonly a quite + different effect. The epistles of the other son are full of accounts of + what he thought most remarkable in his reading. He sends his father for + news the last noble story he had read. I observe he is particularly + touched with the conduct of Codrus, who plotted his own death, because the + oracle had said, if he were not killed, the enemy should prevail over his + country. Many other incidents in his little letters give omens of a soul + capable of generous undertakings; and what makes it the more particular + is, that this gentleman had, in the present war, the honour and happiness + of doing an action for which only it was worth coming into the world. + Their father is the most intimate friend they have; and they always + consult him rather than any other, when any error has happened in their + conduct through youth and inadvertency. The behaviour of this gentleman to + his sons has made his life pass away with the pleasures of a second youth; + for as the vexations which men receive from their children hasten the + approach of age, and double the force of years; so the comforts which they + reap from them, are balm to all other sorrows, and disappoint the injuries + of time. Parents of children repeat their lives in their offspring; and + their concern for them is so near, that they feel all their sufferings and + enjoyments as much as if they regarded their own proper persons. But it is + generally so far otherwise, that the common race of 'squires in this + kingdom use their sons as persons that are waiting only for their + funerals, and spies upon their health and happiness; as indeed they are, + by their own making them such. In cases where a man takes the liberty + after this manner to reprehend others, it is commonly said, Let him look + at home. I am sorry to own it; but there is one branch of the house of the + Bickerstaffs who have been as erroneous in their conduct this way as any + other family whatsoever. The head of this branch is now in town, and has + brought up with him his son and daughter, who are all the children he has, + in order to be put some way into the world, and see fashions. They are + both very ill-bred cubs; and having lived together from their infancy, + without knowledge of the distinctions and decencies that are proper to be + paid to each other's sex, they squabble like two brothers. The father is + one of those who knows no better than that all pleasure is debauchery, and + imagines, when he sees a man become his estate, that he will certainly + spend it. This branch are a people who never had among them one man + eminent either for good or ill: however, have all along kept their heads + just above water, not by a prudent and regular economy, but by expedients + in the matches they have made in to their house. When one of the family + has in the pursuit of foxes, and in the entertainment of clowns, run out + the third part of the value of his estate, such a spendthrift has dressed + up his eldest son, and married what they call a good fortune: who has + supported the father as a tyrant over them during his life, in the same + house or neighbourhood. The son, in succession, has just taken the same + method to keep up his dignity, till the mortgages he has ate and drank + himself into have reduced him to the necessity of sacrificing his son + also, in imitation of his progenitor. This had been for many generations, + the whole that had happened in the family of Sam Bickerstaff, till the + time of my present cousin Samuel, the father of the young people we have + just now spoken of. + </p> + <p> + Samuel Bickerstaff, esquire, is so happy as that by several legacies from + distant relations, deaths of maiden sisters, and other instances of good + fortune, he has besides his real estate, a great sum of ready money. His + son at the same time knows he has a good fortune, which the father cannot + alienate; though he strives to make him believe he depends only on his + will for maintenance. Tom is now in his nineteenth year. Mrs. Mary in her + fifteenth. Cousin Samuel, who understands no one point of good behaviour + as it regards all the rest of the world, is an exact critic in the dress, + the motion, the looks, and gestures, of his children. What adds to their + misery is, that he is excessively fond of them, and the greatest part of + their time is spent in the presence of this nice observer. Their life is + one of continued constraint. The girl never turns her head, but she is + warned not to follow the proud minxes of the town. The boy is not to turn + fop, or be quarrelsome, at the same time not to take an affront. I had the + good fortune to dine with him to-day, and heard his fatherly table-talk as + we sat at dinner, which, if my memory does not fail me, for the benefit of + the world, I shall set down as he spoke it; which was much as follows, and + may be of great use to those parents who seem to make it a rule, that + their children's turn to enjoy the world is not to commence till they + themselves have left it. + </p> + <p> + "Now, Tom, I have bought you chambers in the inns of court. I allow you to + take a walk once or twice a day round the garden. If you mind your + business, you need not study to be as great a lawyer as Coke upon + Littleton. I have that that will keep you; but be sure you keep an exact + account of your linen. Write down what you give out to your laundress, and + what she brings home again. Go as little as possible to the other end of + the town; but if you do, come home early. I believe I was as sharp as you + for your years, and I had my hat snatched off my head coming home late at + a stop by St. Clement's church, and I do not know from that day to this + who took it. I do not care if you learn to fence a little; for I would not + have you made a fool of. Let me have an account of everything, every post; + I am willing to be at that charge, and I think you need not spare your + pains. As for you, daughter Molly, do not mind one word that is said to + you in London, for it is only for your money." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XVIII.—BICKERSTAFF CENSOR:—CASES IN COURT. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, December 5. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing gives a man greater satisfaction than the sense of having + despatched a great deal of business, especially when it turns to the + public emolument. I have much pleasure of this kind upon my spirits at + present, occasioned by the fatigue of affairs which I went through last + Saturday. It is some time since I set apart that day for examining the + pretensions of several who had applied to me for canes, perspective + glasses, snuff-boxes, orange-flower-waters, and the like ornaments of + life. In order to adjust this matter, I had before directed Charles Lillie + of Beaufort Buildings to prepare a great bundle of blank licenses in the + following words: + </p> + <p> + "You are hereby required to permit the bearer of this cane to pass and + repass through the streets and suburbs of London, or any place within ten + miles of it, without let or molestation, provided that he does not walk + with it under his arm, brandish it in the air, or hang it on a button: in + which case it shall be forfeited; and I hereby declare it forfeited, to + any one who shall think it safe to take it from him. + </p> + <p> + "ISAAC BICKERSTAFF." + </p> + <p> + The same form, differing only in the provisos, will serve for a + perspective, snuff-box, or perfumed handkerchief. I had placed myself in + my elbow-chair at the upper end of my great parlour, having ordered + Charles Lillie to take his place upon a joint stool, with a writing-desk + before him. John Morphew also took his station at the door; I having, for + his good and faithful services, appointed him my chamber-keeper upon court + days. He let me know that there were a great number attending without. + Upon which I ordered him to give notice, that I did not intend to sit upon + snuff-boxes that day; but that those who appeared for canes might enter. + The first presented me with the following petition, which I ordered Mr. + Lillie to read. + </p> + <p> + "TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN. + </p> + <p> + "The humble petition of SIMON TRIPPIT, + </p> + <p> + "Showeth, + </p> + <p> + "That your petitioner having been bred up to a cane from his youth, it is + now become as necessary to him as any other of his limbs. + </p> + <p> + "That, a great part of his behaviour depending upon it, he should be + reduced to the utmost necessities if he should lose the use of it. + </p> + <p> + "That the knocking of it upon his shoe, leaning one leg upon it, or + whistling with it on his mouth, are such great reliefs to him in + conversation, that he does not know how to be good company without it. + </p> + <p> + "That he is at present engaged in an amour, and must despair of success if + it be taken from him. + </p> + <p> + "Your petitioner, therefore, hopes, that the premises tenderly considered, + your Worship will not deprive him of so useful and so necessary a support. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "And your petitioner shall ever, etc." +</pre> + <p> + Upon the hearing of his case, I was touched with some compassion, and the + more so, when, upon observing him nearer, I found he was a prig. I bade + him produce his cane in court, which he had left at the door. He did so, + and I finding it to be very curiously clouded with a transparent amber + head, and a blue riband to hang upon his wrist, I immediately ordered my + clerk Lillie to lay it up, and deliver out to him a plain joint headed + with walnut; and then, in order to wean him from it by degrees, permitted + him to wear it three days in a week, and to abate proportionably till he + found himself able to go alone. + </p> + <p> + The second who appeared came limping into the court; and setting forth in + his petition many pretences for the use of a cane, I caused them to be + examined one by one, but finding him in different stories, and confronting + him with several witnesses who had seen him walk upright, I ordered Mr. + Lillie to take in his cane, and rejected his petition as frivolous. + </p> + <p> + A third made his entry with great difficulty, leaning upon a slight stick, + and in danger of falling every step he took. I saw the weakness of his + hams; and I bade him leave his cane, and gave him a new pair of crutches, + with which he went off in great vigour and alacrity. This gentleman was + succeeded by another, who seemed very much pleased while his petition was + reading, in which he had represented, That he was extremely afflicted with + the gout, and set his foot upon the ground with the caution and dignity + which accompany that distemper. I suspected him for an impostor, and, + having ordered him to be searched, I committed him into the hands of + Doctor Thomas Smith in King Street, my own corn-cutter, who attended in an + outward room: and wrought so speedy a cure upon him, that I thought fit to + send him also away without his cane. + </p> + <p> + While I was thus dispensing justice, I heard a noise in my outward room; + and inquiring what was the occasion of it, my door-keeper told me, that + they had taken one up in the very fact as he was passing by my door. They + immediately brought in a lively fresh-coloured young man, who made great + resistance with hand and foot, but did not offer to make use of his cane, + which hung upon his fifth button. Upon examination, I found him to be an + Oxford scholar who was just entered at the Temple. He at first disputed + the jurisdiction of the court; but, being driven out of his little law and + logic, he told me very pertly, "that he looked upon such a perpendicular + creature as man to make a very imperfect figure without a cane in his + hand. It is well known," says he, "we ought, according to the natural + situation of our bodies, to walk upon our hands and feet: and that the + wisdom of the ancients had described man to be an animal of four legs in + the morning, two at noon, and three at night; by which they intimated that + a cane might very properly become part of us in some period of life." Upon + which I asked him, whether he wore it at his breast to have it in + readiness when that period should arrive. My young lawyer immediately told + me, he had a property in it, and a right to hang it where he pleased, and + to make use of it as he thought fit, provided that he did not break the + peace with it; and farther said, that he never took it off his button, + unless it were to lift it up at a coachman, hold it over the head of a + drawer, point out the circumstances of a story, or for other services of + the like nature, that are all within the laws of the land. I did not care + for discouraging a young man, who, I saw, would come to good; and, because + his heart was set upon his new purchase, I only ordered him to wear it + about his neck, instead of hanging it upon his button, and so dismissed + him. + </p> + <p> + There were several appeared in court, whose pretensions I found to be very + good, and, therefore, gave them their licenses upon paying their fees; as + many others had their licenses renewed, who required more time for + recovery of their lameness than I had before allowed them. + </p> + <p> + Having despatched this set of my petitioners, there came in a well-dressed + man with a glass tube in one hand, and his petition in the other. Upon his + entering the room, he threw back the right side of his wig, put forward + his right leg, and advancing the glass to his right eye, aimed it directly + at me. In the meanwhile, to make my observations also, I put on my + spectacles, in which posture we surveyed each other for some time. Upon + the removal of our glasses I desired him to read his petition, which he + did very promptly and easily; though at the same time it set forth that he + could see nothing distinctly, and was within very few degrees of being + utterly blind, concluding with a prayer that he might be permitted to + strengthen and extend his sight by a glass. In answer to this I told him + he might sometimes extend it to his own destruction. "As you are now," + said I, "you are out of the reach of beauty, the shafts of the finest eyes + lose their force before they can come at you; you cannot distinguish a + Toast from an orange-wench; you can see a whole circle of beauty without + any interruption from an impertinent face to discompose you. In short, + what are snares for others—" My petitioner would hear no more, but + told me very seriously, "Mr. Bickerstaff, you quite mistake your man; it + is the joy, the pleasure, the employment, of my life to frequent public + assemblies, and gaze upon the fair." In a word, I found his use of a glass + was occasioned by no other infirmity than his vanity, and was not so much + designed to make him see, as to make him be seen and distinguished by + others. I therefore refused him a license for a perspective, but allowed + him a pair of spectacles, with full permission to use them in any public + assembly as he should think fit. He was followed by so very few of this + order of men that I have reason to hope this sort of cheats are almost at + an end. + </p> + <p> + The orange-flower-men appeared next with petitions perfumed so strongly + with musk, that I was almost overcome with the scent; and for my own sake + was obliged forthwith to license their handkerchiefs, especially when I + found they had sweetened them at Charles Lillie's, and that some of their + persons would not be altogether inoffensive without them. John Morphew, + whom I have made the general of my dead men, acquainted me that the + petitioners were all of that order, and could produce certificates to + prove it if I required it. I was so well pleased with this way of + embalming themselves that I commanded the above-said Morphew to give it in + his orders to his whole army, that every one, who did not surrender + himself to be disposed of by the upholders, should use the same method to + keep himself sweet during his present state of putrefaction. + </p> + <p> + I finished my session with great content of mind, reflecting upon the good + I had done; for, however slightly men may regard these particularities, + "and little follies in dress and behaviour, they lead to greater evils. + The bearing to be laughed at for such singularities, teaches us insensibly + an impertinent fortitude, and enables us to bear public censure for things + which more substantially deserve it." By this means they open a gate to + folly, and oftentimes render a man so ridiculous, as discredit his virtues + and capacities, and unqualify them from doing any good in the world. + Besides, the giving into uncommon habits of this nature is a want of that + humble deference which is due to mankind, and, what is worst of all, the + certain indication of some secret flaw in the mind of the person that + commits them. When I was a young man, I remember a gentleman of great + integrity and worth, was very remarkable for wearing a broad belt, and a + hanger instead of a fashionable sword, though in all other points a very + well-bred man. I suspected him at first sight to have something wrong in + him, but was not able for a long time to discover any collateral proofs of + it. I watched him narrowly for six-and-thirty years, when at last, to the + surprise of everybody but myself, who had long expected to see the folly + break out, he married his own cook-maid. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Sheer Lane, December 21. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I had placed myself in my chair of judicature, I ordered my + clerk, Mr. Lillie, to read to the assembly, who were gathered together + according to notice, a certain declaration, by way of charge, to open the + purpose of my session, which tended only to this explanation, that as + other courts were often called to demand the execution of persons dead in + law; so this was held to give the last orders relating to those who are + dead in reason. The solicitor of the new Company of Upholders, near the + Haymarket, appeared in behalf of that useful society, and brought in an + accusation of a young woman, who herself stood at the bar before me. Mr. + Lillie read her indictment, which was in substance, "That, whereas Mrs. + Rebecca Pindust, of the parish of Saint Martin-in-the-Fields, had, by the + use of one instrument called a looking-glass, and by the further use of + certain attire, made either of cambric, muslin, or other linen wares, upon + her head, attained to such an evil art and magical force in the motion of + her eyes and turn of her countenance, that she the said Rebecca had put to + death several young men of the said parish; and that the said young men + had acknowledged in certain papers, commonly called love-letters, which + were produced in court, gilded on the edges, and sealed WITH A PARTICULAR + WAX, with certain amorous and enchanting words wrought upon the said + seals, that they died for the said Rebecca: and, whereas the said Rebecca + persisted in the said evil practice; this way of life the said society + construed to be, according to former edicts, a state of death, and + demanded an order for the interment of the said Rebecca." + </p> + <p> + I looked upon the maid with great humanity, and desired her to make answer + to what was said against her. She said, "It was indeed true, that she had + practised all the arts and means she could, to dispose of herself happily + in marriage, but thought she did not come under the censure expressed in + my writings for the same; and humbly hoped I would not condemn her for the + ignorance of her accusers, who, according to their own words, had rather + represented her killing than dead." She further alleged, "That the + expressions mentioned in the papers written to her were become mere words, + and that she had been always ready to marry any of those who said they + died for her; but that they made their escape, as soon as they found + themselves pitied or believed." She ended her discourse by desiring I + would for the future settle the meaning of the words "I die," in letters + of love. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Pindust behaved herself with such an air of innocence, that she + easily gained credit, and was acquitted. Upon which occasion I gave it as + a standing rule, "That any person, who in any letter, billet, or + discourse, should tell a woman he died for her, should, if she pleased, be + obliged to live with her, or be immediately interred upon such their own + confessions without bail or mainprize." + </p> + <p> + It happened that the very next who was brought before me was one of her + admirers, who was indicted upon that very head. A letter, which he + acknowledged to be his own hand, was read, in which were the following + words, "Cruel creature, I die for you." It was observable that he took + snuff all the time his accusation was reading. I asked him, "how he came + to use these words, if he were not a dead man?" He told me, "he was in + love with the lady, and did not know any other way of telling her so; and + that all his acquaintance took the same method." Though I was moved with + compassion towards him, by reason of the weakness of his parts, yet for + example sake I was forced to answer, "Your sentence shall be a warning to + all the rest of your companions, not to tell lies for want of wit." Upon + this, he began to beat his snuff-box with a very saucy air; and opening it + again, "Faith, Isaac," said he, "thou art a very unaccountable old fellow—Pr'ythee, + who gave thee the power of life and death? What hast thou to do with + ladies and lovers? I suppose thou wouldst have a man be in company with + his mistress, and say nothing to her. Dost thou call breaking a jest + telling a lie? Ha! is that thy wisdom, old stiffback, ha?" He was going on + with this insipid commonplace mirth, sometimes opening his box, sometimes + shutting it, then viewing the picture on the lid, and then the workmanship + of the hinge, when, in the midst of his eloquence, I ordered his box to be + taken from him; upon which he was immediately struck speechless, and + carried off stone dead. + </p> + <p> + The next who appeared was a hale old fellow of sixty. He was brought in by + his relations, who desired leave to bury him. Upon requiring a distinct + account of the prisoner, a credible witness deposed, "that he always rose + at ten of the clock, played with his cat till twelve, smoked tobacco till + one, was at dinner till two, then took another pipe, played at backgammon + till six, talked of one Madame Frances, an old mistress of his, till + eight, repeated the same account at the tavern till ten, then returned + home, took the other pipe, and then to bed." I asked him, "what he had to + say for himself?"—"As to what," said he, "they mention concerning + Madame Frances—" + </p> + <p> + I did not care for hearing a Canterbury tale, and, therefore, thought + myself seasonably interrupted by a young gentleman, who appeared in the + behalf of the old man, and prayed an arrest of judgment; "for that he, the + said young man, held certain lands by his the said old man's life." Upon + this, the solicitor of the Upholders took an occasion to demand him also, + and thereupon produced several evidences that witnessed to his life and + conversation. It appeared that each of them divided their hours in matters + of equal moment and importance to themselves and to the public. They rose + at the same hour: while the old man was playing with his cat, the young + one was looking out of his window; while the old man was smoking his pipe, + the young man was rubbing his teeth; while one was at dinner, the other + was dressing; while one was at backgammon, the other was at dinner; while + the old fellow was talking of Madame Frances, the young one was either at + play, or toasting women whom he never conversed with. The only difference + was, that the young man had never been good for anything; the old man a + man of worth before he know Madame Frances. Upon the whole, I ordered them + to be both interred together, with inscriptions proper to their + characters, signifying, that the old man died in the year 1689, and was + buried in the year 1709; and over the young one it was said, that he + departed this world in the twenty-fifth year of his death. + </p> + <p> + The next class of criminals were authors in prose and verse. Those of them + who had produced any stillborn work were immediately dismissed to their + burial, and were followed by others, who notwithstanding some sprightly + issue in their lifetime, had given proofs of their death, by some + posthumous children, that bore no resemblance to their elder brethren. As + for those who were the fathers of a mixed progeny, provided always they + could prove the last to be a live child, they escaped with life, but not + without loss of limbs; for, in this case, I was satisfied with amputation + of the parts which were mortified. + </p> + <p> + These were followed by a great crowd of superannuated benchers of the Inns + of Court, senior fellows of colleges, and defunct statesmen: all whom I + ordered to be decimated indifferently, allowing the rest a reprieve for + one year, with a promise of a free pardon in case of resuscitation. + </p> + <p> + There were still great multitudes to be examined; but, finding it very + late, I adjourned the court, not without the secret pleasure that I had + done my duty, and furnished out a handsome execution. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Haymarket, December 23. + </p> + <p> + Whereas the gentleman that behaved himself in a very disobedient and + obstinate manner at his late trial in Sheer Lane on the twentieth instant, + and was carried off dead upon taking away of his snuff-box, remains still + unburied; the company of Upholders, not knowing otherwise how they should + be paid, have taken his goods in execution to defray the charge of his + funeral. His said effects are to be exposed to sale by auction, at their + office in the Haymarket, on the fourth of January next, and are as follow:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A very rich tweezer-case, containing twelve instruments for the use + of each hour in the day. + + Four pounds of scented snuff, with three gilt snuff-boxes; one of + them with an invisible hinge, and a looking-glass in the lid. + + Two more of ivory, with the portraitures on their lids of two ladies + of the town; the originals to be seen every night in the side-boxes + of the playhouse. + + A sword with a steel diamond hilt, never drawn but once at May-fair. + + Six clean packs of cards, a quart of orange-flower-water, a pair of + French scissors, a toothpick-case, and an eyebrow brush. + + A large glass-case, containing the linen and clothes of the + deceased; among which are, two embroidered suits, a pocket + perspective, a dozen pair of RED-HEELED SHOES, three pair of RED + SILK STOCKINGS, and an amber-headed cane. + + The strong box of the deceased, wherein were found five billet-doux, + a Bath shilling, a crooked sixpence, a silk garter, a lock of hair, + and three broken fans. +</pre> + <p> + A press for books; containing on the upper shelf— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Three bottles of diet-drink. + Two boxes of pills. + A syringe, and other mathematical instruments. +</pre> + <p> + On the second shelf are several miscellaneous works, as + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Lampoons. + Plays. + Tailors' bills. + And an almanack for the year seventeen hundred. +</pre> + <p> + On the third shelf— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A bundle of letters unopened, indorsed, in the hand of the deceased, + "Letters from the old Gentleman." + Lessons for the flute. + Toland's "Christianity not mysterious;" and a paper filled with + patterns of several fashionable stuffs. +</pre> + <p> + On the lowest shelf— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + One shoe. + A pair of snuffers. + A French grammar. + A mourning hat-band; and half a bottle of usquebaugh. +</pre> + <p> + There will be added to these goods, to make a complete auction, a + collection of gold snuff-boxes and clouded canes, which are to continue in + fashion for three months after the sale. + </p> + <p> + The whole are to be set up and prized by Charles Bubbleboy, who is to open + the auction with a speech. + </p> + <p> + I find I am so very unhappy, that, while I am busy in correcting the folly + and vice of one sex, several exorbitances break out in the other. I have + not thoroughly examined their new fashioned petticoats, but shall set + aside one day in the next week for that purpose. The following petition on + this subject was presented to me this morning:— + </p> + <p> + "The humble petition of William Jingle, Coach-maker and Chair-maker, of + the Liberty of Westminster: + </p> + <p> + "TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQUIRE, CENSOR OF GREAT BRITAIN: + </p> + <p> + "Showeth, + </p> + <p> + "That upon the late invention of Mrs. Catharine Cross-stitch, + mantua-maker, the petticoats of ladies were too wide for entering into any + coach or chair, which was in use before the said invention. + </p> + <p> + "That for the service of the said ladies, your petitioner has built a + round chair, in the form of a lantern, six yards and a half in + circumference, with a stool in the centre of it: the said vehicle being so + contrived, as to receive the passenger by opening in two in the middle, + and closing mathematically when she is seated. + </p> + <p> + "That your petitioner has also invented a coach for the reception of one + lady only, who is to be let in at the top. + </p> + <p> + "That the said coach has been tried by a lady's woman in one of these full + petticoats, who was let down from a balcony, and drawn up again by + pulleys, to the great satisfaction of her lady, and all who behold her. + </p> + <p> + "Your petitioner, therefore, most humbly prays, that for the encouragement + of ingenuity and useful inventions, he may be heard before you pass + sentence upon the petticoats aforesaid. + </p> + <p> + "And your petitioner," etc. + </p> + <p> + I have likewise received a female petition, signed by several thousands, + praying that I would not any longer defer giving judgment in the case of + the petticoat, many of them having put off the making new clothes, till + such time as they know what verdict will pass upon it. I do, therefore, + hereby certify to all whom it may concern, that I do design to set apart + Tuesday next for the final determination of that matter, having already + ordered a jury of matrons to be impannelled, for the clearing up of any + difficult points that may arise in the trial. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + *** Being informed that several dead men in and about this city do keep + out of the way and abscond, for fear of being buried; and being willing to + respite their interment, in consideration of their families, and in hopes + of their amendment, I shall allow them certain privileged places, where + they may appear to one another, without causing any let or molestation to + the living, or receiving any, in their own persons, from the company of + Upholders. Between the hours of seven and nine in the morning, they may + appear in safety at Saint James's coffee-house, or at White's, if they do + not keep their beds, which is more proper for men in their condition. From + nine to eleven I allow them to walk from Story's to Rosamond's pond in the + Park or in any other public walks which are not frequented by the living + at that time. Between eleven and three they are to vanish, and keep out of + sight till three in the afternoon, at which time they may go to 'Change + till five; and then, if they please, divert themselves at the Haymarket, + or Drury Lane until the play begins. It is further granted in favour of + these persons, that they may be received at any table, where there are + more present than seven in number: provided that they do not take upon + them to talk, judge, commend, or find fault with any speech, action, or + behaviour of the living. In which case it shall be lawful to seize their + persons at any place or hour whatsoever, and to convey their bodies to the + next undertaker's; anything in this advertisement to the contrary + notwithstanding. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Sheer Lane, January 4. + </p> + <p> + The court being prepared for proceeding on the cause of the petticoat, I + gave orders to bring in a criminal, who was taken up as she went out of + the puppet-show about three nights ago, and was now standing in the + street, with a great concourse of people about her. Word was brought me + that she had endeavoured twice or thrice to come in, but could not do it + by reason of her petticoat, which was too large for the entrance of my + house, though I had ordered both the folding-doors to be thrown open for + its reception. Upon this, I desired the jury of matrons, who stood at my + right hand, to inform themselves whether there were any private reasons + why she might not make her appearance separate from her petticoat. This + was managed with great discretion, and had such an effect, that upon the + return of the verdict from the bench of matrons, I issued out an order + forthwith, "that the criminal should be stripped of her encumbrances till + she became little enough to enter my house." I had before given directions + for an engine of several legs that could contract or open itself like the + top of an umbrella, in order to place the petticoat upon it, by which + means I might take a leisurely survey of it, as it should appear in its + proper dimensions. This was all done accordingly; and forthwith, upon the + closing of the engine, the petticoat was brought into court. I then + directed the machine to be set upon the table and dilated in such a manner + as to show the garment in its utmost circumference; but my great hall was + too narrow for the experiment; for before it was half unfolded, it + described so immoderate a circle, that the lower part of it brushed upon + my face as I sat in my chair of judicature. I then inquired for the person + that belonged to the petticoat; and to my great surprise, was directed to + a very beautiful young damsel, with so pretty a face and shape, that I bid + her come out of the crowd, and seated her upon a little crock at my left + hand. "My pretty maid," said I, "do you own yourself to have been the + inhabitant of the garment before us?" The girl, I found, had good sense, + and told me with a smile, that, "notwithstanding it was her own petticoat, + she should be very glad to see an example made of it; and that she wore it + for no other reason, but that she had a mind to look as big and burly as + other persons of her quality; that she had kept out of it as long as she + could, and till she began to appear little in the eyes of her + acquaintance; that, if she laid it aside, people would think she was not + made like other women." I always give great allowances to the fair sex + upon account of the fashion, and, therefore, was not displeased with the + defence of the pretty criminal. I then ordered the vest which stood before + us to be drawn up by a pulley to the top of my great hall, and afterwards + to be spread open by the engine it was placed upon, in such a manner, that + it formed a very splendid and ample canopy over our heads, and covered the + whole court of judicature with a kind of silken rotunda, in its form not + unlike the cupola of St. Paul's. I entered upon the whole cause with great + satisfaction as I sat under the shadow of it. + </p> + <p> + The counsel for the petticoat were now called in, and ordered to produce + what they had to say against the popular cry which was raised against it. + They answered the objections with great strength and solidity of argument, + and expatiated in very florid harangues, which they did not fail to set + off and furbelow, if I may be allowed the metaphor, with many periodical + sentences and turns of oratory. The chief arguments for their client were + taken, first, from the great benefit that might arise to our woollen + manufactory from this invention, which was calculated as follows. The + common petticoat has not above four yards in the circumference; whereas + this over our heads had more in the semi-diameter; so that, by allowing it + twenty-four yards in the circumference, the five millions of woollen + petticoats, which, according to Sir William Petty, supposing what ought to + be supposed in a well-governed state, that all petticoats are made of that + stuff, would amount to thirty millions of those of the ancient mode: a + prodigious improvement of the woollen trade! and what could not fail to + sink the power of France in a few years. + </p> + <p> + To introduce the second argument, they begged leave to read a petition of + the ropemakers, wherein it was represented, "that the demand for cords, + and the price of them, were much risen since this fashion came up." At + this, all the company who were present lifted up their eyes into the + vault; and I must confess, we did discover many traces of cordage, which + were interwoven in the stiffening of the drapery. + </p> + <p> + A third argument was founded upon a petition of the Greenland trade, which + likewise represented the great consumption of whalebone which would be + occasioned by the present fashion, and the benefit which would thereby + accrue to that branch of the British trade. + </p> + <p> + To conclude, they gently touched upon the weight and unwieldiness of the + garment, which they insinuated might be of great use. + </p> + <p> + These arguments would have wrought very much upon me, as I then told the + company in a long and elaborate discourse, had I not considered the great + and additional expense which such fashions would bring upon fathers and + husbands; and, therefore, by no means to be thought of till some years + after a peace. I further urged, that it would be a prejudice to the ladies + themselves, who could never expect to have any money in the pocket if they + laid out so much on the petticoat. + </p> + <p> + At the same time, in answer to the several petitions produced on that + side, I showed one subscribed by the women of several persons of quality, + humbly setting forth, "that, since the introduction of this mode, their + respective ladies had, instead of bestowing on them their cast gowns, cut + them into shreds, and mixed them with the cordage and buckram, to complete + the stiffening of their under petticoats." For which, and sundry other + reasons, I pronounced the petticoat a forfeiture; but to show that I did + not make that judgment for the sake of filthy lucre, I ordered it to be + folded up, and sent it as a present to a widow-gentlewoman who has five + daughters, desiring she would make each of them a petticoat out of it, and + send me back the remainder, which I design to cut into stomachers, caps, + facings of my waistcoat-sleeves, and other garnitures suitable to my age + and quality. + </p> + <p> + I would not be understood that, while I discard this monstrous invention, + I am an enemy to the proper ornaments of the fair sex. On the contrary, as + the hand of nature has poured on them such a profusion of charms and + graces, and sent them into the world more amiable and finished than the + rest of her works; so I would have them bestow upon themselves all the + additional beauties that art can supply them with; provided it does not + interfere with disguise, or pervert those of nature. + </p> + <p> + I consider woman as a beautiful romantic animal, that may be adorned with + furs and feathers, pearls and diamonds, ores and silks. The lynx shall + cast its skin at her feet to make her a tippet; the peacock, parrot, and + swan shall pay contributions to her muff; the sea shall be searched for + shells, and the rocks for gems; and every part of nature furnish out its + share towards the embellishment of a creature that is the most consummate + work of it. All this I shall indulge them in; but as for the petticoat I + have been speaking of, I neither can nor will allow it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XIX.—OF MEN WHO ARE NOT THEIR OWN MASTERS. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, June 2. + </p> + <p> + I have received a letter which accuses me of partiality in the + administration of the censorship; and says, that I have been very free + with the lower part of mankind, but extremely cautious in representations + of matters which concern men of condition. This correspondent takes upon + him also to say, the upholsterer was not undone by turning politician, but + became bankrupt by trusting his goods to persons of quality; and demands + of me, that I should do justice upon such as brought poverty and distress + upon the world below them, while they themselves were sunk in pleasures + and luxury, supported at the expense of those very persons whom they + treated with a negligence, as if they did not know whether they dealt with + them or not. This is a very heavy accusation, both of me and such as the + man aggrieved accuses me of tolerating. For this reason, I resolved to + take this matter into consideration; and, upon very little meditation, + could call to my memory many instances which made this complaint far from + being groundless. The root of this evil does not always proceed from + injustice in the men of figure, but often from a false grandeur which they + take upon them in being unacquainted with their own business; not + considering how mean a part they act when their names and characters are + subjected to the little arts of their servants and dependants. The + overseers of the poor are a people who have no great reputation for the + discharge of their trust, but are much less scandalous than the overseers + of the rich. Ask a young fellow of a great estate, who was that odd fellow + that spoke to him in a public place? he answers, "one that does my + business." It is, with many, a natural consequence of being a man of + fortune, that they are not to understand the disposal of it; and they long + to come to their estates, only to put themselves under new guardianship. + Nay, I have known a young fellow, who was regularly bred an attorney, and + was a very expert one till he had an estate fallen to him. The moment that + happened, he, who could before prove the next land he cast his eye upon + his own; and was so sharp, that a man at first sight would give him a + small sum for a general receipt, whether he owed him anything or not: such + a one, I say, have I seen, upon coming to an estate, forget all his + diffidence of mankind, and become the most manageable thing breathing. He + immediately wanted a stirring man to take upon him his affairs; to receive + and pay, and do everything which he himself was now too fine a gentleman + to understand. It is pleasant to consider, that he who would have got an + estate, had he not come to one, will certainly starve because one fell to + him; but such contradictions are we to ourselves, and any change of life + is insupportable to some natures. + </p> + <p> + It is a mistaken sense of superiority to believe a figure, or equipage, + gives men precedence to their neighbours. Nothing can create respect from + mankind, but laying obligations upon them; and it may very reasonably be + concluded, that if it were put into a due balance, according to the true + state of the account, many who believe themselves in possession of a large + share of dignity in the world, must give place to their inferiors. The + greatest of all distinctions in civil life is that of debtor and creditor; + and there needs no great progress in logic to know which, in that case, is + the advantageous side. He who can say to another, "Pray, master," or + "pray, my lord, give me my own," can as justly tell him, "It is a + fantastical distinction you take upon you, to pretend to pass upon the + world for my master or lord, when, at the same time that I wear your + livery, you owe me wages; or, while I wait at your door, you are ashamed + to see me till you have paid my bill." + </p> + <p> + The good old way among the gentry of England to maintain their + pre-eminence over the lower rank, was by their bounty, munificence, and + hospitality; and it is a very unhappy change, if at present, by themselves + or their agents, the luxury of the gentry is supported by the credit of + the trader. This is what my correspondent pretends to prove out of his own + books, and those of his whole neighbourhood. He has the confidence to say, + that there is a mug-house near Long Acre, where you may every evening hear + an exact account of distresses of this kind. One complains that such a + lady's finery is the occasion that his own wife and daughter appear so + long in the same gown. Another, that all the furniture of her visiting + apartment are no more hers than the scenery of a play are the proper goods + of the actress. Nay, at the lower end of the same table, you may hear a + butcher and a poulterer say, that, at their proper charge, all that family + has been maintained since they last came to town. + </p> + <p> + The free manner in which people of fashion are discoursed on at such + meetings is but a just reproach for their failures in this kind; but the + melancholy relations of the great necessities tradesmen are driven to, who + support their credit in spite of the faithless promises which are made + them, and the abatement which they suffer when paid by the extortion of + upper servants, is what would stop the most thoughtless man in the career + of his pleasures, if rightly represented to him. + </p> + <p> + If this matter be not very speedily amended, I shall think fit to print + exact lists of all persons who are not at their own disposal, though above + the age of twenty-one; and as the trader is made bankrupt for absence from + his abode, so shall the gentleman for being at home, if, when Mr. Morphew + calls, he cannot give him an exact account of what passes in his own + family. After this fair warning, no one ought to think himself hardly + dealt with, if I take upon me to pronounce him no longer master of his + estate, wife, or family, than he continues to improve, cherish, and + maintain them upon the basis of his own property, without incursions upon + his neighbour in any of these particulars. + </p> + <p> + According to that excellent philosopher Epictetus, we are all but acting + parts in a play; and it is not a distinction in itself to be high or low, + but to become the parts we are to perform. I am, by my office, prompter on + this occasion, and shall give those who are a little out in their parts + such soft hints as may help them to proceed, without letting it be known + to the audience they were out; but if they run quite out of character, + they must be called off the stage, and receive parts more suitable to + their genius. Servile complaisance shall degrade a man from his honour and + quality, and haughtiness be yet more debased. Fortune shall no longer + appropriate distinctions, but nature direct us in the disposition both of + respect and discountenance. As there are tempers made for command and + others for obedience, so there are men born for acquiring possessions, and + others incapable of being other than mere lodgers in the houses of their + ancestors, and have it not in their very composition to be proprietors of + anything. These men are moved only by the mere effects of impulse: their + good-will and disesteem are to be regarded equally, for neither is the + effect of their judgment. This loose temper is that which makes a man, + what Sallust so well remarks to happen frequently in the same person, to + be covetous of what is another's, and profuse of what is his own. This + sort of men is usually amiable to ordinary eyes; but, in the sight of + reason, nothing is laudable but what is guided by reason. The covetous + prodigal is of all others the worst man in society. If he would but take + time to look into himself, he would find his soul all over gashed with + broken vows and promises; and his retrospect on his actions would not + consist of reflections upon those good resolutions after mature thought, + which are the true life of a reasonable creature, but the nauseous memory + of imperfect pleasures, idle dreams, and occasional amusements. To follow + such dissatisfying pursuits is it possible to suffer the ignominy of being + unjust? I remember in Tully's Epistle, in the recommendation of a man to + an affair which had no manner of relation to money, it is said, "You may + trust him, for he is a frugal man." It is certain, he who has not a regard + to strict justice in the commerce of life, can be capable of no good + action in any other kind; but he who lives below his income, lays up every + moment of life armour against a base world, that will cover all his + frailties while he is so fortified, and exaggerate them when he is naked + and defenceless. + </p> + <p> + ADVERTISEMENT. + </p> + <p> + *** A stage-coach sets out exactly at six from Nando's coffee-house to Mr. + Tiptoe's dancing-school, and returns at eleven every evening, for one + shilling and four-pence. + </p> + <p> + N.B.—Dancing shoes, not exceeding four inches height in the heel, + and periwigs, not exceeding three feet in length, are carried in the + coach-box gratis. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XX.—FALSE DOCTORING. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, October 20. + </p> + <p> + I do not remember that in any of my lucubrations I have touched upon that + useful science of physic, notwithstanding I have declared myself more than + once a professor of it. I have indeed joined the study of astrology with + it, because I never knew a physician recommend himself to the public who + had not a sister art to embellish his knowledge in medicine. It has been + commonly observed, in compliment to the ingenious of our profession, that + Apollo was god of verse as well as physic; and in all ages, the most + celebrated practitioners of our country were the particular favourites of + the Muses. Poetry to physic is indeed like the gilding to a pill; it makes + the art shine, and covers the severity of the doctor with the + agreeableness of the companion. + </p> + <p> + The very foundation of poetry is good sense, if we may allow Horace to be + a judge of the art. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Scribendi recte sapere est et principium et fons." + HOR. ARS POET. 309. + + "Such judgment is the ground of writing well." + ROSCOMMON. +</pre> + <p> + And if so, we have reason to believe that the same man who writes well can + prescribe well, if he has applied himself to the study of both. Besides, + when we see a man making profession of two different sciences, it is + natural for us to believe he is no pretender in that which we are not + judges of, when we find him skilful in that which we understand. + </p> + <p> + Ordinary quacks and charlatans are thoroughly sensible how necessary it is + to support themselves by these collateral assistances, and therefore + always lay their claim to some supernumerary accomplishments, which are + wholly foreign to their profession. + </p> + <p> + About twenty years ago, it was impossible to walk the streets without + having an advertisement thrust into your hand, of a doctor "who was + arrived at the knowledge of the 'Green and Red Dragon,' and had discovered + the female fern-seed." Nobody ever knew what this meant; but the "Green + and Red Dragon" so amused the people, that the doctor lived very + comfortably upon them. About the same time there was pasted a very hard + word upon every corner of the streets. This, to the best of my + remembrance, was + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + TETRACHYMAGOGON, +</pre> + <p> + which drew great shoals of spectators about it, who read the bill that it + introduced with unspeakable curiosity; and when they were sick, would have + nobody but this learned man for their physician. + </p> + <p> + I once received an advertisement of one "who had studied thirty years by + candle-light for the good of his countrymen." He might have studied twice + as long by daylight and never have been taken notice of. But elucubrations + cannot be over-valued. There are some who have gained themselves great + reputation for physic by their birth, as the "seventh son of a seventh + son," and others by not being born at all, as the unborn doctor, who I + hear is lately gone the way of his patients, having died worth five + hundred pounds per annum, though he was not born to a halfpenny. + </p> + <p> + My ingenious friend, Doctor Saffold, succeeded my old contemporary, Doctor + Lilly, in the studies both of physic and astrology, to which he added that + of poetry, as was to be seen both upon the sign where he lived, and in the + pills which he distributed. He was succeeded by Doctor Case, who erased + the verses of his predecessor out of the sign-post, and substituted in + their stead two of his own, which were as follow:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + "Within this place + Lives Doctor Case." +</pre> + <p> + He is said to have got more by this distich than Mr. Dryden did by all his + works. There would be no end of enumerating the several imaginary + perfections and unaccountable artifices by which this tribe of men ensnare + the minds of the vulgar and gain crowds of admirers. I have seen the whole + front of a mountebank's stage from one end to the other, faced with + patents, certificates, medals, and great seals, by which the several + princes of Europe have testified their particular respect and esteem for + the doctor. Every great man with a sounding title has been his patient. I + believe I have seen twenty mountebanks that have given physic to the Czar + of Muscovy. The Great Duke of Tuscany escapes no better. The Elector of + Brandenburg was likewise a very good patient. + </p> + <p> + This great condescension of the doctor draws upon him much good-will from + his audience; and it is ten to one but if any of them be troubled with an + aching tooth, his ambition will prompt him to get it drawn by a person who + has had so many princes, kings, and emperors under his hands. + </p> + <p> + I must not leave this subject without observing that, as physicians are + apt to deal in poetry, apothecaries endeavour to recommend themselves by + oratory, and are therefore, without controversy, the most eloquent persons + in the whole British nation. I would not willingly discourage any of the + arts, especially that of which I am an humble professor; but I must + confess, for the good of my native country, I could wish there might be a + suspension of physic for some years, that our kingdom, which has been so + much exhausted by the wars, might have leave to recruit itself. + </p> + <p> + As for myself, the only physic which has brought me safe to almost the age + of man, and which I prescribe to all my friends, is Abstinence. This is + certainly the best physic for prevention, and very often the most + effectual against a present distemper. In short, my recipe is "Take + nothing." + </p> + <p> + Were the body politic to be physicked like particular persons, I should + venture to prescribe to it after the same manner. I remember when our + whole island was shaken with an earthquake some years ago, there was an + impudent mountebank who sold pills, which, as he told the country people, + were "very good against an earthquake." It may, perhaps, be thought as + absurd to prescribe a diet for the allaying popular commotions and + national ferments. But I am verily persuaded that if in such a case a + whole people were to enter into a course of abstinence, and eat nothing + but water-gruel for a fortnight, it would abate the rage and animosity of + parties, and not a little contribute to the care of a distracted nation. + Such a fast would have a natural tendency to the procuring of those ends, + for which a fast is usually proclaimed. If any man has a mind to enter on + such a voluntary abstinence, it might not be improper to give him the + caution of Pythagoras in particular, Abstine a fabis, "Abstain from + beans," that is, say the interpreters, "Meddle not with elections," beans + having been made use of by the voters among the Athenians in the choice of + magistrates. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XXI.—DRINKING. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, October 23. + </p> + <p> + A method of spending one's time agreeably is a thing so little studied, + that the common amusement of our young gentlemen, especially of such as + are at a distance from those of the first breeding, is Drinking. This way + of entertainment has custom on its side; but as much as it has prevailed, + I believe there have been very few companies that have been guilty of + excess this way, where there have not happened more accidents which make + against than for the continuance of it. It is very common that events + arise from a debauch which are fatal, and always such as are disagreeable. + With all a man's reason and good sense about him, his tongue is apt to + utter things out of mere gaiety of heart, which may displease his best + friends. Who then would trust himself to the power of wine without saying + more against it, than that it raises the imagination and depresses the + judgment? Were there only this single consideration, that we are less + masters of ourselves when we drink in the least proportion above the + exigencies of thirst, I say, were this all that could be objected, it were + sufficient to make us abhor this vice. But we may go on to say, that as he + who drinks but a little is not master of himself, so he who drinks much is + a slave to himself. As for my part, I ever esteemed a drunkard of all + vicious persons the most vicious: for if our actions are to be weighed and + considered according to the intention of them, what cannot we think of + him, who puts himself into a circumstance wherein he can have no intention + at all, but incapacitates himself for the duties and offices of life by a + suspension of all his faculties? If a man considered that he cannot, under + the oppression of drink, be a friend, a gentleman, a master, or a subject: + that he has so long banished himself from all that is dear, and given up + all that is sacred to him: he would even then think of a debauch with + horror. But when he looks still further and acknowledges that he is not + only expelled out of all the relations of life, but also liable to offend + against them all; what words can express the terror and detestation he + would have of such a condition? And yet he owns all this of himself who + says he was drunk last night. + </p> + <p> + As I have all along persisted in it, that all the vicious in general are + in a state of death; so I think I may add to the non-existence of + drunkards, that they died by their own hands. He is certainly as guilty of + suicide who perishes by a slow, as he that is despatched by an immediate, + poison. In my last lucubration I proposed the general use of water gruel, + and hinted that it might not be amiss at this very season. But as there + are some whose cases, in regard to their families, will not admit of + delay, I have used my interest in several wards of the city, that the + wholesome restorative above-mentioned may be given in tavern kitchens to + all the morning draughtsmen within the walls when they call for wine + before noon. For a further restraint and mark upon such persons, I have + given orders, that in all the offices where policies are drawn upon lives, + it shall be added to the article which prohibits that the nominee should + cross the sea, the words, "Provided also, that the above-mentioned A. B. + shall not drink before dinner during the term mentioned in this + indenture." + </p> + <p> + I am not without hopes, that by this method I shall bring some unsizable + friends of mine into shape and breadth, as well as others, who are languid + and consumptive, into health and vigour. Most of the self-murderers whom I + yet hinted at are such as preserve a certain regularity in taking their + poison, and make it mix pretty well with their food. But the most + conspicuous of those who destroy themselves, are such as in their youth + fall into this sort of debauchery; and contract a certain uneasiness of + spirit, which is not to be diverted but by tippling as often as they can + fall into company in the day, and conclude with downright drunkenness at + night. These gentlemen never know the satisfaction of youth, but skip the + years of manhood, and are decrepit soon after they are of age. I was + godfather to one of these old fellows. He is now three-and-thirty, which + is the grand climacteric of a young drunkard. I went to visit the wretch + this morning, with no other purpose but to rally him under the pain and + uneasiness of being sober. + </p> + <p> + But as our faults are double when they affect others besides ourselves, so + this vice is still more odious in a married than a single man. He that is + the husband of a woman of honour, and comes home overloaded with wine, is + still more contemptible in proportion to the regard we have to the unhappy + consort of his bestiality. The imagination cannot shape to itself anything + more monstrous and unnatural than the familiarities between drunkenness + and chastity. The wretched Astraea, who is the perfection of beauty and + innocence, has long been thus condemned for life. The romantic tales of + virgins devoted to the jaws of monsters, have nothing in them so terrible + as the gift of Astraea to that Bacchanal. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XXII.—NIGHT AND DAY. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, December 13. + </p> + <p> + An old friend of mine being lately come to town, I went to see him on + Tuesday last about eight o'clock in the evening, with a design to sit with + him an hour or two and talk over old stories; but, upon inquiring after + him, his servant told me he was just gone to bed. The next morning, as + soon as I was up and dressed, and had despatched a little business, I came + again to my friend's house about eleven o'clock, with a design to renew my + visit: but, upon asking for him, his servant told me he was just sat down + to dinner. In short, I found that my old-fashioned friend religiously + adhered to the example of his forefathers, and observed the same hours + that had been kept in the family ever since the Conquest. + </p> + <p> + It is very plain that the night was much longer formerly in this island + than it is at present. By the night, I mean that portion of time which + Nature has thrown into darkness, and which the wisdom of mankind had + formerly dedicated to rest and silence. This used to begin at eight + o'clock in the evening, and conclude at six in the morning. The curfew, or + eight o'clock bell, was the signal throughout the nation for putting out + their candles and going to bed. + </p> + <p> + Our grandmothers, though they were wont to sit up the last in the family, + were all of them fast asleep at the same hours that their daughters are + busy at crimp and basset. Modern statesmen are concerting schemes, and + engaged in the depth of politics, at the time when their forefathers were + laid down quietly to rest and had nothing in their heads but dreams. As we + have thus thrown business and pleasure into the hours of rest, and by that + means made the natural night but half as long as it should be, we are + forced to piece it out with a great part of the morning; so that near + two-thirds of the nation lie fast asleep for several hours in broad + day-light. This irregularity is grown so very fashionable at present, that + there is scarcely a lady of quality in Great Britain that ever saw the sun + rise. And, if the humour increases in proportion to what it has done of + late years, it is not impossible but our children may hear the bell-man + going about the streets at nine o'clock in the morning, and the watch + making their rounds till eleven. This unaccountable disposition in mankind + to continue awake in the night and sleep in sunshine, has made me inquire, + whether the same change of inclination has happened to any other animals? + For this reason, I desired a friend of mine in the country to let me know + whether the lark rises as early as he did formerly; and whether the cock + begins to crow at his usual hour? My friend has answered me, "that his + poultry are as regular as ever, and that all the birds and the beasts of + his neighbourhood keep the same hours that they have observed in the + memory of man; and the same which in all probability they have kept for + these five thousand years." + </p> + <p> + If you would see the innovations that have been made among us in this + particular, you may only look into the hours of colleges, where they still + dine at eleven, and sup at six, which were doubtless the hours of the + whole nation at the time when those places were founded. But at present, + the courts of justice are scarce opened in Westminster Hall at the time + when William Rufus used to go to dinner in it. All business is driven + forward. The landmarks of our fathers, if I may so call them, are removed, + and planted farther up into the day; insomuch, that I am afraid our clergy + will be obliged, if they expect full congregations, not to look any more + upon ten o'clock in the morning as a canonical hour. In my own memory, the + dinner has crept by degrees from twelve o'clock to three, and where it + will fix nobody knows. + </p> + <p> + I have sometimes thought to draw up a memorial in the behalf of Supper + against Dinner, setting forth, that the said Dinner has made several + encroachments upon the said Supper, and entered very far upon his + frontiers; that he has banished him out of several families, and in all + has driven him from his headquarters, and forced him to make his retreat + into the hours of midnight; and, in short, that he is now in danger of + being entirely confounded and lost in a breakfast. Those who have read + Lucian, and seen the complaints of the letter T against S, upon account of + many injuries and usurpations of the same nature, will not, I believe, + think such a memorial forced and unnatural. If dinner has been thus + postponed, or, if you please, kept back from time to time, you may be sure + that it has been in compliance with the other business of the day, and + that supper has still observed a proportionable distance. There is a + venerable proverb which we have all of us heard in our infancy, of + "putting the children to bed, and laying the goose to the fire." This was + one of the jocular sayings of our forefathers, but maybe properly used in + the literal sense at present. Who would not wonder at this perverted + relish of those who are reckoned the most polite part of mankind, that + prefer sea-coals and candles to the sun, and exchange so many cheerful + morning hours, for the pleasures of midnight revels and debauches? If a + man was only to consult his health, he would choose to live his whole + time, if possible, in daylight, and to retire out of the world into + silence and sleep, while the raw damps and unwholesome vapours fly abroad, + without a sun to disperse, moderate, or control them. For my own part, I + value an hour in the morning as much as common libertines do an hour at + midnight. When I find myself awakened into being, and perceive my life + renewed within me, and at the same time see the whole face of nature + recovered out of the dark uncomfortable state in which it lay for several + hours, my heart overflows with such secret sentiments of joy and + gratitude, as are a kind of implicit praise to the great Author of Nature. + The mind, in these early seasons of the day, is so refreshed in all its + faculties, and borne up with such new supplies of animal spirits, that she + finds herself in a state of youth, especially when she is entertained with + the breath of flowers, the melody of birds, the dews that hang upon the + plants, and all those other sweets of nature that are peculiar to the + morning. + </p> + <p> + It is impossible for a man to have this relish of being, this exquisite + taste of life, who does not come into the world before it is in all its + noise and hurry; who loses the rising of the sun, the still hours of the + day, and, immediately upon his first getting up plunges himself into the + ordinary cares or follies of the world. + </p> + <p> + I shall conclude this paper with Milton's inimitable description of Adam's + awakening his Eve in Paradise, which indeed would have been a place as + little delightful as a barren heath or desert to those who slept in it. + The fondness of the posture in which Adam is represented, and the softness + of his whisper, are passages in this divine poem that are above all + commendation, and rather to be admired than praised. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Now Morn, her rosy steps in the eastern clime, + Advancing, sowed the earth with orient pearl, + When Adam waked, so customed; for his sleep + Was airy light from pure digestion bred, + And temperate vapours bland; which the only sound + Of leaves and fuming rills, Aurora's fan, + Lightly dispersed, and the shrill matin song + Of birds on every bough; so much the more + His wonder was to find unwakened Eve, + With tresses discomposed, and glowing cheek, + As through unquiet rest. He on his side + Leaning half-raised, with looks of cordial love, + Hung over her enamoured, and beheld + Beauty, which, whether waking or asleep, + Shot forth peculiar graces. Then, with voice + Mild as when Zephyrus on Flora breathes, + Her hand soft touching, whispered thus: "Awake, + My fairest, my espoused, my latest found, + Heaven's last, best gift, my ever-new delight, + Awake; the morning shines, and the fresh field + Calls us; we lose the prime, to mark how spring + Our tended plants, how blows the citron grove, + What drops the myrrh, and what the balmy reed, + How Nature paints her colours, how the bee + Sits on the bloom extracting liquid sweet." + Such whispering waked her, but with startled eye + On Adam, whom embracing, thus she spake: + "O soul! in whom my thoughts find all repose, + My glory, my perfection, glad I see + Thy face, and morn returned." + PAR. LOST, V.1. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XXIII.—TWO OLD LADIES. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, December 20, 1710. + </p> + <p> + It would be a good appendix to "The Art of Living and Dying" if any one + would write "The Art of growing Old," and teach men to resign their + pretensions to the pleasures and gallantries of youth in proportion to the + alteration they find in themselves by the approach of age and infirmities. + The infirmities of this stage of life would be much fewer if we did not + affect those which attend the more vigorous and active part of our days; + but instead of studying to be wiser, or being contented with our present + follies, the ambition of many of us is also to be the same sort of fools + we formerly have been. I have often argued, as I am a professed lover of + women, that our sex grows old with a much worse grace than the other does; + and have ever been of opinion that there are more well-pleased old women + than old men. I thought it a good reason for this, that the ambition of + the fair sex being confined to advantageous marriages, or shining in the + eyes of men, their parts were over sooner, and consequently the errors in + the performance of them. The conversation of this evening has not + convinced me of the contrary; for one or two fop-women shall not make a + balance for the crowd of coxcombs among ourselves, diversified according + to the different pursuits of pleasure and business. + </p> + <p> + Returning home this evening, a little before my usual hour, I scarce had + seated myself in my easy-chair, stirred the fire, and stroked my cat, but + I heard somebody come rumbling upstairs. I saw my door opened, and a human + figure advancing towards me so fantastically put together that it was some + minutes before I discovered it to be my old and intimate friend Sam + Trusty. Immediately I rose up, and placed him in my own seat; a compliment + I pay to few. The first thing he uttered was, "Isaac, fetch me a cup of + your cherry brandy before you offer to ask any question." He drank a lusty + draught, sat silent for some time, and at last broke out: "I am come," + quoth he, "to insult thee for an old fantastic dotard, as thou art, in + ever defending the women. I have this evening visited two widows, who are + now in that state I have often heard you call an after-life; I suppose you + mean by it an existence which grows out of past entertainments, and is an + untimely delight in the satisfactions which they once set their hearts + upon too much to be ever able to relinquish. Have but patience," continued + he, "till I give you a succinct account of my ladies and of this night's + adventure. They are much of an age, but very different in their + characters. The one of them, with all the advances which years have made + upon her, goes on in a certain romantic road of love and friendship, which + she fell into in her teens; the other has transferred the amorous passions + of her first years to the love of cronies, pets, and favourites, with + which she is always surrounded; but the genius of each of them will best + appear by the account of what happened to me at their houses. About five + this afternoon, being tired with study, the weather inviting, and time + lying a little upon my hands, I resolved, at the instigation of my evil + genius, to visit them; their husbands having been our contemporaries. This + I thought I could do without much trouble; for both live in the very next + street. I went first to my lady Camomile; and the butler, who had lived + long in the family, and seen me often in his master's time, ushered me + very civilly into the parlour, and told me, though my lady had given + strict orders to be denied, he was sure I might be admitted, and bid the + black boy acquaint his lady that I was come to wait upon her. In the + window lay two letters; one broken open, the other fresh sealed with a + wafer; the first directed to the divine Cosmelia, the second to the + charming Lucinda; but both, by the indented characters, appeared to have + been writ by very unsteady hands. Such uncommon addresses increased my + curiosity, and put me upon asking my old friend the butler if he knew who + those persons were. 'Very well,' says he; 'this is from Mrs. Furbish to my + lady, an old schoolfellow and great crony of her ladyship's: and this the + answer.' I inquired in what county she lived. 'Oh, dear!' says he, 'but + just by, in the neighbourhood. Why, she was here all this morning, and + that letter came and was answered within these two hours. They have taken + an odd fancy, you must know, to call one another hard names; but, for all + that, they love one another hugely.' By this time the boy returned with + his lady's humble service to me, desiring I would excuse her; for she + could not possibly see me, nor anybody else, for it was opera-night." + </p> + <p> + "Methinks," says I, "such innocent folly as two old women's courtship to + each other should rather make you merry than put you out of humour." + "Peace, good Isaac," says he, "no interruption, I beseech you. I got soon + to Mrs. Feeble's, she that was formerly Betty Frisk; you must needs + remember her; Tom Feeble, of Brazen Nose, fell in love with her for her + fine dancing. Well, Mrs. Ursula, without further ceremony, carries me + directly up to her mistress's chamber, where I found her environed by four + of the most mischievous animals than can ever infest a family; an old + shock dog with one eye, a monkey chained to one side of the chimney, a + great grey squirrel to the other, and a parrot waddling in the middle of + the room. However, for awhile all was in a profound tranquillity. Upon the + mantle-tree, for I am a pretty curious observer, stood a pot of lambative + electuary, with a stick of liquorice, and near it a phial of rose-water, + and powder of tutty. Upon the table lay a pipe filled with betony and + colt's-foot, a roll of wax-candle, a silver spitting-pot, and a Seville + orange. The lady was placed in a large wicker chair, and her feet wrapped + up in flannel, supported by cushions; and in this attitude—would you + believe it, Isaac?—was she reading a romance with spectacles on. The + first compliments over, as she was industriously endeavouring to enter + upon conversation, a violent fit of coughing seized her. This awakened + Shock, and in a trice the whole room was in an uproar; for the dog barked, + the squirrel squealed, the monkey chattered, the parrot screamed, and + Ursula, to appease them, was more clamorous than all the rest. You, Isaac, + who know how any harsh noise affects my head, may guess what I suffered + from the hideous din of these discordant sounds. At length all was + appeased, and quiet restored: a chair was drawn for me; where I was no + sooner seated, but the parrot fixed his horny beak, as sharp as a pair of + shears, in one of my heels, just above the shoe. I sprang from the place + with an unusual agility, and so, being within the monkey's reach, he + snatches off my new bob-wig, and throws it upon two apples that were + roasting by a sullen sea-coal fire. I was nimble enough to save it from + any further damage than singeing the fore-top. I put it on; and composing + myself as well as I could, I drew my chair towards the other side of the + chimney. The good lady, as soon as she had recovered breath, employed it + in making a thousand apologies, and, with great eloquence, and a numerous + train of words, lamented my misfortune. In the middle of her harangue, I + felt something scratching near my knee, and feeling what it should be, + found the squirrel had got into my coat-pocket. As I endeavoured to remove + him from his burrow, he made his teeth meet through the fleshy part of my + forefinger. This gave me an unexpressible pain. The Hungary water was + immediately brought to bathe it, and goldbeater's skin applied to stop the + blood. The lady renewed her excuses; but, being now out of all patience, I + abruptly took my leave, and hobbling downstairs with heedless haste, I set + my foot full in a pail of water, and down we came to the bottom together." + Here my friend concluded his narrative, and, with a composed countenance, + I began to make him compliments of condolence; but he started from his + chair, and said, "Isaac, you may spare your speeches; I expect no reply. + When I told you this, I knew you would laugh at me; but the next woman + that makes me ridiculous shall be a young one." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XXIV.—MARIA CALLS IN SHIRE LANE. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, November 7, 1709. + </p> + <p> + I was very much surprised this evening with a visit from one of the top + Toasts of the town, who came privately in a chair, and bolted into my + room, while I was reading a chapter of Agrippa upon the occult sciences; + but, as she entered with all the air and bloom that nature ever bestowed + on woman, I threw down the conjurer, and met the charmer. I had no sooner + placed her at my right hand by the fire, but she opened to me the reason + of her visit. "Mr. Bickerstaff," said the fine creature, "I have been your + correspondent some time, though I never saw you before; I have written by + the name of Maria. You have told me you were too far gone in life to think + of love. Therefore, I am answered as to the passion I spoke of; and," + continued she, smiling, "I will not stay till you grow young again, as you + men never fail to do in your dotage, but am come to consult you about + disposing of myself to another. My person you see; my fortune is very + considerable; but I am at present under much perplexity how to act in a + great conjuncture. I have two lovers, Crassus and Lorio; Crassus is + prodigiously rich, but has no one distinguishing quality; though at the + same time he is not remarkable on the defective side. Lorio has travelled, + is well bred, pleasant in discourse, discreet in his conduct, agreeable in + his person; and, with all this, he has a competency of fortune without + superfluity. When I consider Lorio, my mind is filled with an idea of the + great satisfactions of a pleasant conversation. When I think of Crassus, + my equipage, numerous servants, gay liveries, and various dresses, are + opposed to the charms of his rival. In a word when I cast my eyes upon + Lorio, I forget and despise fortune; when I behold Crassus, I think only + of pleasing my vanity, and enjoying an uncontrolled expense in all the + pleasures of life, except love." She paused here. + </p> + <p> + "Madam," said I, "I am confident that you have not stated your case with + sincerity, and that there is some secret pang which you have concealed + from me; for I see by your aspect the generosity of your mind; and that + open, ingenuous air lets me know that you have too great a sense of the + generous passion of love to prefer the ostentation of life in the arms of + Crassus to the entertainments and conveniences of it in the company of + your beloved Lorio: for so he is indeed, madam; you speak his name with a + different accent from the rest of your discourse. The idea his image + raises in you gives new life to your features, and new grace to your + speech. Nay, blush not, madam; there is no dishonour in loving a man of + merit. I assure you, I am grieved at this dallying with yourself, when you + put another in competition with him, for no other reason but superior + wealth."—"To tell you, then," said she, "the bottom of my heart, + there is Clotilda lies by, and plants herself in the way of Crassus, and I + am confident will snap him if I refuse him. I cannot bear to think that + she will shine above me. When our coaches meet, to see her chariot hung + behind with four footmen, and mine with but two: hers, powdered, gay, and + saucy, kept only for show; mine, a couple of careful rogues that are good + for something: I own I cannot bear that Clotilda should be in all the + pride and wantonness of wealth, and I only in the ease and affluence of + it." + </p> + <p> + Here I interrupted: "Well, madam, now I see your whole affliction; you + could be happy, but that you fear another would be happier. Or rather, you + could be solidly happy, but that another is to be happy in appearance. + This is an evil which you must get over, or never know happiness. We will + put the case, madam, that you married Crassus, and she Lorio." She + answered: "Speak not of it; I could tear her eyes out at the mention of + it."—"Well, then, I pronounce Lorio to be the man; but I must tell + you that what we call settling in the world is, in a kind, leaving it; and + you must at once resolve to keep your thoughts of happiness within the + reach of your fortune, and not measure it by comparison with others." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XXV.—SISTER JENNY AND HER HUSBAND. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, October 24. + </p> + <p> + My brother Tranquillus, who is a man of business, came to me this morning + into my study, and after very many civil expressions in return for what + good offices I had done him, told me "he desired to carry his wife, my + sister, that very morning to his own house." I readily told him "I would + wait upon him" without asking why he was so impatient to rob us of his + good company. He went out of my chamber, and I thought seemed to have a + little heaviness upon him, which gave me some disquiet. Soon after my + sister came to me with a very matron-like air, and most sedate + satisfaction in her looks, which spoke her very much at ease; but the + traces of her countenance seemed to discover that she had lately been in a + passion, and that air of content to flow from a certain triumph upon some + advantage obtained. She no sooner sat down by me but I perceived she was + one of those ladies who begin to be managers within the time of their + being brides. Without letting her speak, which I saw she had a mighty + inclination to do, I said, "Here has been your husband, who tells me he + has a mind to go home this very morning, and I have consented to it."—"It + is well," said she, "for you must know—" "Nay, Jenny," said I, "I + beg your pardon, for it is you must know. You are to understand, that now + is the time to fix or alienate your husband's heart for ever; and I fear + you have been a little indiscreet in your expressions or behaviour towards + him, even here in my house." "There has," says she, "been some words; but + I will be judged by you if he was not in the wrong: nay, I need not be + judged by anybody, for he gave it up himself, and said not a word when he + saw me grow passionate but, 'Madam, you are perfectly in the right of it:' + as you shall judge—" "Nay, madam," said I, "I am judge already, and + tell you that you are perfectly in the wrong of it; for if it was a matter + of importance, I know he has better sense than you; if a trifle, you know + what I told you on your wedding day, that you were to be above little + provocations." She knows very well I can be sour upon occasion, therefore + gave me leave to go on. + </p> + <p> + "Sister," said I, "I will not enter into the dispute between you, which I + find his prudence put an end to before it came to extremity; but charge + you to have a care of the first quarrel, as you tender your happiness; for + then it is that the mind will reflect harshly upon every circumstance that + has ever passed between you. If such an accident is ever to happen, which + I hope never will, be sure to keep the circumstance before you; make no + allusions to what is passed, or conclusions referring to what is to come; + do not show a hoard of matter for dissension in your breast; but, if it is + necessary, lay before him the thing as you understand it, candidly, + without being ashamed of acknowledging an error, or proud of being in the + right. If a young couple be not careful in this point they will get into a + habit of wrangling; and when to displease is thought of no consequence, to + please is always of as little moment. There is a play, Jenny, I have + formerly been at when I was a student; we got into a dark corner with a + porringer of brandy, and threw raisins into it, then set it on fire. My + chamber-fellow and I diverted ourselves with the sport of venturing our + fingers for the raisins; and the wantonness of the thing was to see each + other look like a demon, as we burnt ourselves, and snatched out the + fruit. This fantastical mirth was called Snap-Dragon. You may go into many + a family, where you see the man and wife at this sport: every word at + their table alludes to some passage between themselves; and you see by the + paleness and emotion in their countenances that it is for your sake and + not their own that they forbear playing out the whole game in burning each + other's fingers. In this case, the whole purpose of life is inverted, and + the ambition turns upon a certain contention, who shall contradict best, + and not upon an inclination to excel in kindnesses and good offices. + Therefore, dear Jenny, remember me, and avoid Snap-Dragon." + </p> + <p> + "I thank you, brother," said she, "but you do not know how he loves me; I + find I can do anything with him."—"If you can so, why should you + desire to do anything but please him? But I have a word or two more before + you go out of the room; for I see you do not like the subject I am upon: + let nothing provoke you to fall upon an imperfection he cannot help; for, + if he has a resenting spirit, he will think your aversion as immovable as + the imperfection with which you upbraid him. But above all, dear Jenny, be + careful of one thing, and you will be something more than woman; that is, + a levity you are almost all guilty of, which is, to take a pleasure in + your power to give pain. It is even in a mistress an argument of meanness + of spirit, but in a wife it is injustice and ingratitude. When a sensible + man once observes this in a woman, he must have a very great, or very + little, spirit to overlook it. A woman ought, therefore, to consider very + often how few men there are who will regard a meditated offence as a + weakness of temper." + </p> + <p> + I was going on in my confabulation, when Tranquillus entered. She cast all + her eyes upon him with much shame and confusion, mixed with great + complacency and love, and went up to him. He took her in his arms, and + looked so many soft things at one glance that I could see he was glad I + had been talking to her, sorry she had been troubled, and angry at himself + that he could not disguise the concern he was in an hour before. After + which he says to me, with an air awkward enough, but methought not + unbecoming, "I have altered my mind, brother; we will live upon you a day + or two longer." I replied, "That is what I have been persuading Jenny to + ask of you, but she is resolved never to contradict your inclination, and + refused me." + </p> + <p> + We were going on in that way which one hardly knows how to express; as + when two people mean the same thing in a nice case, but come at it by + talking as distantly from it as they can; when very opportunely came in + upon us an honest, inconsiderable fellow, Tim Dapper, a gentleman well + known to us both. Tim is one of those who are very necessary, by being + very inconsiderable. Tim dropped in at an incident when we knew not how to + fall into either a grave or a merry way. My sister took this occasion to + make off, and Dapper gave us an account of all the company he had been in + to-day, who was, and who was not at home, where he visited. This Tim is + the head of a species: he is a little out of his element in this town; but + he is a relation of Tranquillus, and his neighbour in the country, which + is the true place of residence for this species. The habit of a Dapper, + when he is at home, is a light broad-cloth, with calamanco or red + waistcoat and breeches; and it is remarkable that their wigs seldom hide + the collar of their coats. They have always a peculiar spring in their + arms, a wriggle in their bodies, and a trip in their gait. All which + motions they express at once in their drinking, bowing or saluting ladies; + for a distant imitation of a forward fop, and a resolution to overtop him + in his way, are the distinguishing marks of a Dapper. These + under-characters of men are parts of the sociable world by no means to be + neglected: they are like pegs in a building; they make no figure in it, + but hold the structure together, and are as absolutely necessary as the + pillars and columns. I am sure we found it so this morning; for + Tranquillus and I should, perhaps, have looked cold at each other the + whole day, but Dapper fell in, with his brisk way, shook us both by the + hand, rallied the bride, mistook the acceptance he met with amongst us for + extraordinary perfection in himself, and heartily pleased, and was + pleased, all the while he stayed. His company left us all in good humour, + and we were not such fools as to let it sink before we confirmed it by + great cheerfulness and openness in our carriage the whole evening. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XVII.—LOVE THAT WILL LIVE. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, December 7. + </p> + <p> + My brother Tranquillus being gone out of town for some days, my sister + Jenny sent me word she would come and dine with me, and therefore desired + me to have no other company. I took care accordingly, and was not a little + pleased to see her enter the room with a decent and matron-like behaviour, + which I thought very much became her. I saw she had a great deal to say to + me, and easily discovered in her eyes, and the air of her countenance, + that she had abundance of satisfaction in her heart, which she longed to + communicate. However, I was resolved to let her break into her discourse + her own way, and reduced her to a thousand little devices and intimations + to bring me to the mention of her husband. But, finding I was resolved not + to name him, she began of her own accord. "My husband," said she, "gives + his humble service to you;" to which I only answered, "I hope he is well;" + and, without waiting for a reply, fell into other subjects. She at last + was out of all patience, and said, with a smile and manner that I thought + had more beauty and spirit than I had ever observed before in her, "I did + not think, brother, you had been so ill-natured. You have seen, ever since + I came in, that I had a mind to talk of my husband, and you will not be so + kind as to give me an occasion."—"I did not know," said I, "but it + might be a disagreeable subject to you. You do not take me for so + old-fashioned a fellow as to think of entertaining a young lady with the + discourse of her husband. I know nothing is more acceptable than to speak + of one who is to be so; but to speak of one who is so! indeed, Jenny, I am + a better bred man than you think me." She showed a little dislike at my + raillery, and by her bridling up, I perceived she expected to be treated + hereafter not as Jenny Distaff, but Mrs. Tranquillus. I was very well + pleased with this change in her humour; and, upon talking with her on + several subjects, I could not but fancy that I saw a great deal of her + husband's way and manner in her remarks, her phrases, the tone of her + voice, and the very air of her countenance. This gave me an unspeakable + satisfaction, not only because I had found her a husband from whom she + could learn many things that were laudable, but also because I looked upon + her imitation of him as an infallible sign that she entirely loved him. + This is an observation that I never knew fail, though I do not remember + that any other has made it. The natural shyness of her sex hindered her + from telling me the greatness of her own passion; but I easily collected + it from the representation she gave me of his. "I have everything," says + she, "in Tranquillus that I can wish for; and enjoy in him, what indeed + you have told me were to be met with in a good husband, the fondness of a + lover, the tenderness of a parent, and the intimacy of a friend." It + transported me to see her eyes swimming in tears of affection when she + spoke. "And is there not, dear sister," said I, "more pleasure in the + possession of such a man than in all the little impertinences of balls, + assemblies, and equipage, which it cost me so much pains to make you + contemn?" She answered, smiling, "Tranquillus has made me a sincere + convert in a few weeks, though I am afraid you could not have done it in + your whole life. To tell you truly, I have only one fear hanging upon me, + which is apt to give me trouble in the midst of all my satisfactions: I am + afraid, you must know, that I shall not always make the same amiable + appearance in his eye that I do at present. You know, brother Bickerstaff, + that you have the reputation of a conjurer; and if you have any one secret + in your art to make your sister always beautiful, I should be happier than + if I were mistress of all the worlds you have shown me in a starry night." + "Jenny," said I, "without having recourse to magic, I shall give you one + plain rule that will not fail of making you always amiable to a man who + has so great a passion for you, and is of so equal and reasonable a + temper, as Tranquillus. Endeavour to please, and you must please; be + always in the same disposition as you are when you ask for this secret, + and you may take my word you will never want it. An inviolable fidelity, + good-humour, and complacency of temper outlive all the charms of a fine + face, and make the decays of it invisible." + </p> + <p> + We discoursed very long upon this head, which was equally agreeable to us + both; for I must confess, as I tenderly love her, I take as much pleasure + in giving her instructions for her welfare as she herself does in + receiving them. I proceeded, therefore, to inculcate these sentiments by + relating a very particular passage that happened within my own knowledge. + </p> + <p> + There were several of us making merry at a friend's house in a country + village, when the sexton of the parish church entered the room in a sort + of surprise, and told us "that, as he was digging a grave in the chancel, + a little blow of his pick-axe opened a decayed coffin, in which there were + several written papers." Our curiosity was immediately raised, so that we + went to the place where the sexton had been at work, and found a great + concourse of people about the grave. Among the rest there was an old + woman, who told us the person buried there was a lady whose name I did not + think fit to mention, though there is nothing in the story but what tends + very much to her honour. This lady lived several years an exemplary + pattern of conjugal love, and, dying soon after her husband, who every way + answered her character in virtue and affection, made it her death-bed + request, "that all the letters which she had received from him both before + and after her marriage should be buried in the coffin with her." These I + found, upon examination, were the papers before us. Several of them had + suffered so much by time that I could only pick out a few words; as my + soul! lilies! roses! dearest angel! and the like. One of them, which was + legible throughout, ran thus: + </p> + <p> + "MADAM, + </p> + <p> + "If you would know the greatness of my love, consider that of your own + beauty. That blooming countenance, that snowy bosom, that graceful person + return every moment to my imagination; the brightness of your eyes hath + hindered me from closing mine since I last saw you. You may still add to + your beauties by a smile. A frown will make me the most wretched of men, + as I am the most passionate of lovers." + </p> + <p> + It filled the whole company with a deep melancholy to compare the + description of the letter with the person that occasioned it, who was now + reduced to a few crumbling bones and a little mouldering heap of earth. + With much ado I deciphered another letter, which began with, "My dear, + dear wife." This gave me a curiosity to see how the style of one written + in marriage differed from one written in courtship. To my surprise, I + found the fondness rather augmented than lessened, though the panegyric + turned upon a different accomplishment. The words were as follows: + </p> + <p> + "Before this short absence from you, I did not know that I loved you so + much as I really do; though, at the same time, I thought I loved you as + much as possible. I am under great apprehensions lest you should have any + uneasiness whilst I am defrauded of my share in it, and cannot think of + tasting any pleasures that you do not partake with me. Pray, my dear, be + careful of your health, if for no other reason but because you know I + could not outlive you. It is natural in absence to make professions of an + inviolable constancy; but towards so much merit it is scarce a virtue, + especially when it is but a bare return to that of which you have given me + such continued proofs ever since our first acquaintance. I am," etc. + </p> + <p> + It happened that the daughter of these two excellent persons was by when I + was reading this letter. At the sight of the coffin, in which was the body + of her mother near that of her father, she melted into a flood of tears. + As I had heard a great character of her virtue, and observed in her this + instance of filial piety, I could not resist my natural inclination of + giving advice to young people, and therefore addressed myself to her. + "Young lady," said I, "you see how short is the possession of that beauty + in which nature has been so liberal to you. You find the melancholy sight + before you is a contradiction to the first letter that you heard on that + subject; whereas you may observe, the second letter, which celebrates your + mother's constancy, is itself, being found in this place, an argument of + it. But, madam, I ought to caution you not to think the bodies that lie + before you your father and your mother. Know, their constancy is rewarded + by a nobler union than by this mingling of their ashes, in a state where + there is no danger or possibility of a second separation." + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + XXVI.—MR. BICKERSTAFF'S NEPHEWS. + </h2> + <p> + From my own Apartment, June 16. + </p> + <p> + The vigilance, the anxiety, the tenderness, which I have for the good + people of England, I am persuaded, will in time be much commended; but I + doubt whether they will be ever rewarded. However, I must go on cheerfully + in my work of reformation: that being my great design, I am studious to + prevent my labours increasing upon me; therefore am particularly observant + of the temper and inclinations of childhood and youth, that we may not + give vice and folly supplies from the growing generation. It is hardly to + be imagined how useful this study is, and what great evils or benefits + arise from putting us in our tender years to what we are fit or unfit; + therefore on Tuesday last, with a design to sound their inclinations, I + took three lads, who are under my guardianship, a-rambling, in a + hackney-coach, to show them the town; as the lions, the tombs, Bedlam, and + the other places which are entertainments to raw minds because they strike + forcibly on the fancy. The boys are brothers, one of sixteen, the other of + fourteen, the other of twelve. The first was his father's darling, the + second his mother's, and the third is mine, who am their uncle. Mr. + William is a lad of true genius; but, being at the upper end of a great + school, and having all the boys below him, his arrogance is insupportable. + If I begin to show a little of my Latin, he immediately interrupts: + "Uncle, under favour, that which you say is not understood in that + manner." "Brother," says my boy Jack, "you do not show your manners much + in contradicting my uncle Isaac!" "You queer cur," says Mr. William, "do + you think my uncle takes any notice of such a dull rogue as you are?" Mr. + William goes on, "He is the most stupid of all my mother's children; he + knows nothing of his book; when he should mind that, he is hiding or + hoarding his taws and marbles, or laying up farthings. His way of thinking + is, four-and-twenty farthings make sixpence, and two sixpences a shilling; + two shillings and sixpence half a crown, and two half crowns five + shillings. So within these two months the close hunks has scraped up + twenty shillings, and we will make him spend it all before he comes home." + Jack immediately claps his hands into both pockets, and turns as pale as + ashes. There is nothing touches a parent, and such I am to Jack, so nearly + as a provident conduct. This lad has in him the true temper for a good + husband, a kind father, and an honest executor. All the great people you + see make considerable figures on the exchange, in court, and sometimes in + senates, are such as in reality have no greater faculty than what may be + called human instinct, which is a natural tendency to their own + preservation, and that of their friends, without being capable of striking + out of the road for adventures. There is Sir William Scrip was of this + sort of capacity from his childhood; he has brought the country round him, + and makes a bargain better than Sir Harry Wildfire, with all his wit and + humour. Sir Harry never wants money but he comes to Scrip, laughs at him + half an hour, and then gives bond for the other thousand. The close men + are incapable of placing merit anywhere but in their pence, and therefore + gain it; while others, who have larger capacities, are diverted from the + pursuit by enjoyments which can be supported only by that cash which they + despise; and therefore are in the end slaves to their inferiors both in + fortune and understanding. I once heard a man of excellent sense observe, + that more affairs in the world failed by being in the hands of men of too + large capacities for their business, than by being in the conduct of such + as wanted abilities to execute them. Jack, therefore, being of a plodding + make, shall be a citizen: and I design him to be the refuge of the family + in their distress, as well as their jest in prosperity. His brother Will + shall go to Oxford with all speed, where, if he does not arrive at being a + man of sense, he will soon be informed wherein he is a coxcomb. There is + in that place such a true spirit of raillery and humour, that if they + cannot make you a wise man, they will certainly let you know you are a + fool; which is all my cousin wants, to cease to be so. Thus having taken + these two out of the way, I have leisure to look at my third lad. I + observe in the young rogue a natural subtlety of mind, which discovers + itself rather in forbearing to declare his thoughts on any occasion, than + in any visible way of exerting himself in discourse. For which reason I + will place him where, if he commits no faults, he may go further than + those in other stations, though they excel in virtues. The boy is well + fashioned, and will easily fall into a graceful manner; wherefore I have a + design to make him a page to a great lady of my acquaintance; by which + means he will be well skilled in the common modes of life, and make a + greater progress in the world by that knowledge than with the greatest + qualities without it. A good mien in a court will carry a man greater + lengths than a good understanding in any other place. We see a world of + pains taken, and the best years of life spent in collecting a set of + thoughts in a college for the conduct of life, and, after all the man so + qualified shall hesitate in his speech to a good suit of clothes, and want + common sense before an agreeable woman. Hence it is that wisdom, valour, + justice, and learning cannot keep a man in countenance that is possessed + of these excellences, if he wants that inferior art of life and behaviour + called good breeding. A man endowed with great perfections, without this, + is like one who has his pockets full of gold but always wants change for + his ordinary occasions. + </p> + <p> + Will Courtly is a living instance of this truth, and has had the same + education which I am giving my nephew. He never spoke a thing but what was + said before, and yet can converse with the wittiest men without being + ridiculous. Among the learned, he does not appear ignorant; nor with the + wise, indiscreet. Living in conversation from his infancy makes him + nowhere at a loss; and a long familiarity with the persons of men is, in a + manner, of the same service to him as if he knew their arts. As ceremony + is the invention of wise men to keep fools at a distance, so good breeding + is an expedient to make fools and wise men equals. + </p> + <p> + My three nephews, whom, in June last twelve-month, I disposed of according + to their several capacities and inclinations; the first to the university, + the second to a merchant, and the third to a woman of quality as her page, + by my invitation dined with me to-day. It is my custom often, when I have + a mind to give myself a more than ordinary cheerfulness, to invite a + certain young gentlewoman of our neighbourhood to make one of the company. + She did me that favour this day. The presence of a beautiful woman of + honour, to minds which are not trivially disposed, displays an alacrity + which is not to be communicated by any other object. It was not unpleasant + to me, to look into her thoughts of the company she was in. She smiled at + the party of pleasure I had thought of for her, which was composed of an + old man and three boys. My scholar, my citizen, and myself, were very soon + neglected; and the young courtier, by the bow he made to her at her + entrance, engaged her observation without a rival. I observed the Oxonian + not a little discomposed at this preference, while the trader kept his eye + upon his uncle. My nephew Will had a thousand secret resolutions to break + in upon the discourse of his younger brother, who gave my fair companion a + full account of the fashion, and what was reckoned most becoming to this + complexion, and what sort of habit appeared best upon the other shape. He + proceeded to acquaint her, who of quality was well or sick within the + bills of mortality, and named very familiarly all his lady's acquaintance, + not forgetting her very words when he spoke of their characters. Besides + all this he had a load of flattery; and upon her inquiring what sort of + woman Lady Lovely was in her person, "Really, madam," says the jackanapes, + "she is exactly of your height and shape; but as you are fair, she is a + brown woman." There was no enduring that this fop should outshine us all + at this unmerciful rate; therefore I thought fit to talk to my young + scholar concerning his studies; and, because I would throw his learning + into present service, I desired him to repeat to me the translation he had + made of some tender verses in Theocritus. He did so, with an air of + elegance peculiar to the college to which I sent him. I made some + exceptions to the turn of the phrases; which he defended with much + modesty, as believing in that place the matter was rather to consult the + softness of a swain's passion than the strength of his expressions. It + soon appeared that Will had outstripped his brother in the opinion of our + young lady. A little poetry, to one who is bred a scholar, has the same + effect that a good carriage of his person has on one who is to live in + courts. The favour of women is so natural a passion, that I envied both + the boys their success in the approbation of my guest; and I thought the + only person invulnerable was my young trader. During the whole meal, I + could observe in the children a mutual contempt and scorn of each other, + arising from their different way of life and education, and took that + occasion to advertise them of such growing distastes, which might mislead + them in their future life, and disappoint their friends, as well as + themselves, of the advantages which might be expected from the diversity + of their professions and interests. + </p> + <p> + The prejudices which are growing up between these brothers from the + different ways of education are what create the most fatal + misunderstandings in life. But all distinctions of disparagement, merely + from our circumstances, are such as will not bear the examination of + reason. The courtier, the trader, and the scholar, should all have an + equal pretension to the denomination of a gentleman. That tradesman who + deals with me in a commodity which I do not understand, with uprightness, + has much more right to that character than the courtier who gives me false + hopes, or the scholar who laughs at my ignorance. + </p> + <p> + The appellation of gentleman is never to be affixed to a man's + circumstances, but to his behaviour in them. For this reason I shall ever, + as far as I am able, give my nephews such impressions as shall make them + value themselves rather as they are useful to others, than as they are + conscious of merit in themselves. There are no qualities for which we + ought to pretend to the esteem of others but such as render us serviceable + to them: for "free men have no superiors but benefactors." + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Isaac Bickerstaff, by Richard Steele + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ISAAC BICKERSTAFF *** + +***** This file should be named 2644-h.htm or 2644-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/4/2644/ + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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