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diff --git a/old/jhnbl10.txt b/old/jhnbl10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c3d607 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/jhnbl10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4319 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of History of John Bull, by J. Arbuthnot + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + +*It must legally be the first thing seen when opening the book.* +In fact, our legal advisors said we can't even change margins. + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + +THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL BY JOHN ARBUTHNOT, M.D. + + + + +INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY. + +This is the book which fixed the name and character of John Bull on +the English people. Though in one part of the story he is thin and +long nosed, as a result of trouble, generally he is suggested to us +as "ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter," an +honest tradesman, simple and straightforward, easily cheated; but +when he takes his affairs into his own hands, acting with good plain +sense, knowing very well what he wants done, and doing it. + +The book was begun in the year 1712, and published in four +successive groups of chapters that dealt playfully, from the Tory +point of view, with public affairs leading up to the Peace of +Utrecht. The Peace urged and made by the Tories was in these light +papers recommended to the public. The last touches in the parable +refer to the beginning of the year 1713, when the Duke of Ormond +separated his troops from those of the Allies and went to receive +Dunkirk as the stipulated condition of cessation of arms. After the +withdrawal of the British troops, Prince Eugene was defeated by +Marshal Villars at Denain, and other reverses followed. The Peace +of Utrecht was signed on the 31st of March. + +Some chapters in this book deal in like manner, from the point of +view of a good-natured Tory of Queen Anne's time, with the feuds of +the day between Church and Dissent. Other chapters unite with this +topic a playful account of another chief political event of the +time--the negotiation leading to the Act of Union between England +and Scotland, which received the Royal Assent on the 6th of March, +17O7; John Bull then consented to receive his "Sister Peg" into his +house. The Church, of course, is John Bull's mother; his first wife +is a Whig Parliament, his second wife a Tory Parliament, which first +met in November, 171O. + +This "History of John Bull" began with the first of its four parts +entitled "Law is a Bottomless Pit, exemplified in the case of Lord +Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon, who spent all +they had in a Law-suit." For Law put War--the War of the Spanish +Succession; for lawyers, soldiers; for sessions, campaigns; for +verdicts, battles won; for Humphry Hocus the attorney, Marlborough +the general; for law expenses, war expenses; and for aim of the +whole, to aid the Tory policy of peace with France. A second part +followed, entitled "John Bull in his Senses;" the third part was +called "John Bull still in his Senses;" and the fourth part, "Lewis +Baboon turned Honest, and John Bull Politician." The four parts +were afterwards arranged into two, as they are here reprinted, and +published together as "The History of John Bull," with a few notes +by the author which sufficiently explain its drift. + +The author was John Arbuthnot, a physician, familiar friend of Pope +and Swift, whom Pope addressed as + + "Friend to my life, which did not you prolong, + The world had wanted many an idle song;" + +and of whom Swift said, that "he has more wit than we all have, and +his humanity is equal to his wit." "If there were a dozen +Arbuthnots in the world," said Swift, "I would burn 'Gulliver's +Travels.'" + +Arbuthnot was of Swift's age, born in 1667, son of a Scotch +Episcopal clergyman, who lost his living at the Revolution. His +sons--all trained in High Church principles--left Scotland to seek +their fortunes; John came to London and taught mathematics. He took +his degree of Doctor of Medicine at St. Andrews in 1696; found use +for mathematics in his studies of medicine; became a Fellow of the +Royal Society; and being by chance at Epsom when Queen Anne's +husband was taken ill, prescribed for him so successfully that he +was made in 1705 Physician Extraordinary, and upon the occurrence of +a vacancy in 17O9 Physician in Ordinary, to the Queen. Swift calls +him her favourite physician. In 171O he was admitted Fellow of the +Royal College of Physicians. That was Arbuthnot's position in +1712-13 when, at the age of forty-five, he wrote this "History of +John Bull." He was personal friend of the Ministers whose policy he +supported, and especially of Harley, Earl of Oxford, the Sir Roger +of the History. + +After Queen Anne's death, and the coming of the Whigs to power, +Arbuthnot lost his office at Court. But he was the friend and +physician of all the wits; himself without literary ambition, +allowing friends to make what alterations they pleased in pieces +that he wrote, or his children to make kites of them. A couple of +years before his death he suffered deeply from the loss of the elder +of his two sons. He was himself afflicted then with stone, and +retired to Hampstead to die. "A recovery," he wrote to Swift, "is +in my case and in my age impossible; the kindest wish of my friends +is euthanasia." He died in 1735. + + + +AUTHOR'S PREFACE. + +When I was first called to the office of historiographer to John +Bull, he expressed himself to this purpose:--"Sir Humphrey +Polesworth,* I know you are a plain dealer; it is for that reason I +have chosen you for this important trust; speak the truth and spare +not." That I might fulfil those his honourable intentions, I +obtained leave to repair to, and attend him in his most secret +retirements; and I put the journals of all transactions into a +strong box, to be opened at a fitting occasion, after the manner of +the historiographers of some eastern monarchs: this I thought was +the safest way; though I declare I was never afraid to be chopped** +by my master for telling of truth. It is from those journals that +my memoirs are compiled: therefore let not posterity a thousand +years hence look for truth in the voluminous annals of pedants, who +are entirely ignorant of the secret springs of great actions; if +they do, let me tell them they will be nebused.*** + +* A Member of Parliament, eminent for a certain cant in his +conversation, of which there is a good deal in this book. +** A cant word of Sir Humphrey's. +*** Another cant word, signifying deceived. + +With incredible pains have I endeavoured to copy the several +beauties of the ancient and modern historians; the impartial temper +of Herodotus, the gravity, austerity, and strict morals of +Thucydides, the extensive knowledge of Xenophon, the sublimity and +grandeur of Titus Livius; and to avoid the careless style of +Polybius, I have borrowed considerable ornaments from Dionysius +Halicarnasseus, and Diodorus Siculus. The specious gilding of +Tacitus I have endeavoured to shun. Mariana, Davila, and Fra. +Paulo, are those amongst the moderns whom I thought most worthy of +imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the +infinite obligations I have to the "Pilgrim's Progress" of John +Bunyan, and the "Tenter Belly" of the Reverend Joseph Hall. + +From such encouragement and helps, it is easy to guess to what a +degree of perfection I might have brought this great work, had it +not been nipped in the bud by some illiterate people in both Houses +of Parliament, who envying the great figure I was to make in future +ages, under pretence of raising money for the war,* have padlocked +all those very pens that were to celebrate the actions of their +heroes, by silencing at once the whole university of Grub Street. I +am persuaded that nothing but the prospect of an approaching peace +could have encouraged them to make so bold a step. But suffer me, +in the name of the rest of the matriculates of that famous +university, to ask them some plain questions: Do they think that +peace will bring along with it the golden age? Will there be never +a dying speech of a traitor? Are Cethegus and Catiline turned so +tame, that there will be no opportunity to cry about the streets, "A +Dangerous Plot?" Will peace bring such plenty that no gentleman +will have occasion to go upon the highway, or break into a house? I +am sorry that the world should be so much imposed upon by the dreams +of a false prophet, as to imagine the Millennium is at hand. O Grub +Street! thou fruitful nursery of towering geniuses! How do I lament +thy downfall? Thy ruin could never be meditated by any who meant +well to English liberty. No modern lyceum will ever equal thy +glory: whether in soft pastorals thou didst sing the flames of +pampered apprentices and coy cook maids; or mournful ditties of +departing lovers; or if to Maeonian strains thou raisedst thy voice, +to record the stratagems, the arduous exploits, and the nocturnal +scalade of needy heroes, the terror of your peaceful citizens, +describing the powerful Betty or the artful Picklock, or the secret +caverns and grottoes of Vulcan sweating at his forge, and stamping +the queen's image on viler metals which he retails for beef and pots +of ale; or if thou wert content in simple narrative, to relate the +cruel acts of implacable revenge, or the complaint of ravished +virgins blushing to tell their adventures before the listening crowd +of city damsels, whilst in thy faithful history thou intermingledst +the gravest counsels and the purest morals. Nor less acute and +piercing wert thou in thy search and pompous descriptions of the +works of nature; whether in proper and emphatic terms thou didst +paint the blazing comet's fiery tail, the stupendous force of +dreadful thunder and earthquakes, and the unrelenting inundations. +Sometimes, with Machiavelian sagacity, thou unravelledst intrigues +of state, and the traitorous conspiracies of rebels, giving wise +counsel to monarchs. How didst thou move our terror and our pity +with thy passionate scenes between Jack Catch and the heroes of the +Old Bailey? How didst thou describe their intrepid march up Holborn +Hill? Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological capacity, when +thou gavest ghostly counsels to dying felons, and didst record the +guilty pangs of Sabbath breakers. How will the noble arts of John +Overton's** painting and sculpture now languish? where rich +invention, proper expression, correct design, divine attitudes, and +artful contrast, heightened with the beauties of Clar. Obscur., +embellished thy celebrated pieces, to the delight and astonishment +of the judicious multitude! Adieu, persuasive eloquence! the quaint +metaphor, the poignant irony, the proper epithet, and the lively +simile, are fled for ever! Instead of these, we shall have, I know +not what! The illiterate will tell the rest with pleasure. + +* Act restraining the liberty of the press, etc. +** The engraver of the cuts before the Grub Street papers. + +I hope the reader will excuse this digression, due by way of +condolence to my worthy brethren of Grub Street, for the approaching +barbarity that is likely to overspread all its regions by this +oppressive and exorbitant tax. It has been my good fortune to +receive my education there; and so long as I preserved some figure +and rank amongst the learned of that society, I scorned to take my +degree either at Utrecht or Leyden, though I was offered it gratis +by the professors in those universities. + +And now that posterity may not be ignorant in what age so excellent +a history was written (which would otherwise, no doubt, be the +subject of its inquiries), I think it proper to inform the learned +of future times, that it was compiled when Louis XIV. was King of +France, and Philip his grandson of Spain; when England and Holland, +in conjunction with the Emperor and the Allies, entered into a war +against these two princes, which lasted ten years, under the +management of the Duke of Marlborough, and was put to a conclusion +by the Treaty of Utrecht, under the ministry of the Earl of Oxford, +in the year 1713. + +Many at that time did imagine the history of John Bull, and the +personages mentioned in it, to be allegorical, which the author +would never own. Notwithstanding, to indulge the reader's fancy and +curiosity, I have printed at the bottom of the page the supposed +allusions of the most obscure parts of the story. + + + +THE HISTORY OF JOHN BULL. + + + +CHAPTER I. The Occasion of the Law Suit. + +I need not tell you of the great quarrels that have happened in our +neighbourhood since the death of the late Lord Strutt;* how the +parson** and a cunning attorney got him to settle his estate upon +his cousin Philip Baboon, to the great disappointment of his cousin +Esquire South. Some stick not to say that the parson and the +attorney forged a will; for which they were well paid by the family +of the Baboons. Let that be as it will, it is matter of fact that +the honour and estate have continued ever since in the person of +Philip Baboon. + +* Late King of Spain. +** Cardinal Portocarero. + +You know that the Lord Strutts have for many years been possessed of +a very great landed estate, well conditioned, wooded, watered, with +coal, salt, tin, copper, iron, etc., all within themselves; that it +has been the misfortune of that family to be the property of their +stewards, tradesmen, and inferior servants, which has brought great +incumbrances upon them; at the same time, their not abating of their +expensive way of living has forced them to mortgage their best +manors. It is credibly reported that the butcher's and baker's bill +of a Lord Strutt that lived two hundred years ago are not yet paid. + +When Philip Baboon came first to the possession of the Lord Strutt's +estate, his tradesmen,* as is usual upon such occasions, waited upon +him to wish him joy and bespeak his custom. The two chief were John +Bull,** the clothier, and Nic. Frog,*** the linendraper. They told +him that the Bulls and Frogs had served the Lord Strutts with +draperyware for many years; that they were honest and fair dealers; +that their bills had never been questioned; that the Lord Strutts +lived generously, and never used to dirty their fingers with pen, +ink, and counters; that his lordship might depend upon their honesty +that they would use him as kindly as they had done his predecessors. +The young lord seemed to take all in good part, and dismissed them +with a deal of seeming content, assuring them he did not intend to +change any of the honourable maxims of his predecessors. + +* The first letters of congratulation from King William and the +States of Holland upon King Philip's accession to the crown of +Spain. +** The English. +*** The Dutch. + + + +CHAPTER II. How Bull and Frog grew jealous that the Lord Strutt +intended to give all his custom to his grandfather Lewis Baboon. + +It happened unfortunately for the peace of our neighbourhood that +this young lord had an old cunning rogue, or, as the Scots call it, +a false loon of a grandfather, that one might justly call a Jack- +of-all-Trades.* Sometimes you would see him behind his counter +selling broadcloth, sometimes measuring linen; next day he would be +dealing in merceryware. High heads, ribbons, gloves, fans, and lace +he understood to a nicety. Charles Mather could not bubble a young +beau better with a toy; nay, he would descend even to the selling of +tape, garters, and shoe-buckles. When shop was shut up he would go +about the neighbourhood and earn half-a-crown by teaching the young +men and maids to dance. By these methods he had acquired immense +riches, which he used to squander* away at back-sword, +quarter-staff, and cudgel-play, in which he took great pleasure, and +challenged all the country. You will say it is no wonder if Bull +and Frog should be jealous of this fellow. "It is not impossible," +says Frog to Bull, "but this old rogue will take the management of +the young lord's business into his hands; besides, the rascal has +good ware, and will serve him as cheap as anybody. In that case, I +leave you to judge what must become of us and our families; we must +starve, or turn journeyman to old Lewis Baboon. Therefore, +neighbour, I hold it advisable that we write to young Lord Strutt to +know the bottom of this matter." + +* The character and trade of the French nation. +** The King's disposition to war. + + + +CHAPTER III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to Lord Strutt. + +My Lord,--I suppose your lordship knows that the Bulls and the Frogs +have served the Lord Strutts with all sorts of draperyware time out +of mind. And whereas we are jealous, not without reason, that your +lordship intends henceforth to buy of your grandsire old Lewis +Baboon, this is to inform your lordship that this proceeding does +not suit with the circumstances of our families, who have lived and +made a good figure in the world by the generosity of the Lord +Strutts. Therefore we think fit to acquaint your lordship that you +must find sufficient security to us, our heirs, and assigns that you +will not employ Lewis Baboon, or else we will take our remedy at +law, clap an action upon you of 2O,OOO pounds for old debts, seize +and distrain your goods and chattels, which, considering your +lordship's circumstances, will plunge you into difficulties, from +which it will not be easy to extricate yourself. Therefore we hope, +when your lordship has better considered on it, you will comply with +the desire of + Your loving friends, + JOHN BULL, + NIC. FROG. + +Some of Bull's friends advised him to take gentler methods with the +young lord, but John naturally loved rough play. It is impossible +to express the surprise of the Lord Strutt upon the receipt of this +letter. He was not flush in ready either to go to law or clear old +debts, neither could he find good bail. He offered to bring matters +to a friendly accommodation, and promised, upon his word of honour, +that he would not change his drapers; but all to no purpose, for +Bull and Frog saw clearly that old Lewis would have the cheating of +him. + + + +CHAPTER IV. How Bull and Frog went to law with Lord Strutt about +the premises, and were joined by the rest of the tradesmen. + +All endeavours of accommodation between Lord Strutt and his drapers +proved vain. Jealousies increased, and, indeed, it was rumoured +abroad that Lord Strutt had bespoke his new liveries of old Lewis +Baboon. This coming to Mrs. Bull's ears, when John Bull came home, +he found all his family in an uproar. Mrs. Bull, you must know, was +very apt to be choleric. "You sot," says she, "you loiter about +alehouses and taverns, spend your time at billiards, ninepins, or +puppet-shows, or flaunt about the streets in your new gilt chariot, +never minding me nor your numerous family. Don't you hear how Lord +Strutt has bespoke his liveries at Lewis Baboon's shop? Don't you +see how that old fox steals away your customers, and turns you out +of your business every day, and you sit like an idle drone, with +your hands in your pockets? Fie upon it. Up man, rouse thyself; +I'll sell to my shift before I'll be so used by that knave."* You +must think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well tuned up by Frog, who +chimed in with her learned harangue. No further delay now, but to +counsel learned in the law they go, who unanimously assured them +both of justice and infallible success of their lawsuit. + +* The sentiments and addresses of the Parliament at that time. + +I told you before that old Lewis Baboon was a sort of a +Jack-of-all-trades, which made the rest of the tradesmen jealous, as +well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the quarrel, were glad of an +opportunity of joining against old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull +and Frog would bear the charges of the suit. Even lying Ned, the +chimney-sweeper of Savoy, and Tom, the Portugal dustman, put in +their claims, and the cause was put into the hands of Humphry Hocus, +the attorney. + +A declaration was drawn up to show "That Bull and Frog had undoubted +right by prescription to be drapers to the Lord Strutts; that there +were several old contracts to that purpose; that Lewis Baboon had +taken up the trade of clothier and draper without serving his time +or purchasing his freedom; that he sold goods that were not +marketable without the stamp; that he himself was more fit for a +bully than a tradesman, and went about through all the country fairs +challenging people to fight prizes, wrestling and cudgel play, and +abundance more to this purpose." + + + +CHAPTER V. The true characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.* + +* Characters of the English and Dutch, and the General Duke of +Marlborough. + +For the better understanding the following history the reader ought +to know that Bull, in the main, was an honest, plain-dealing fellow, +choleric, bold, and of a very unconstant temper; he dreaded not old +Lewis either at back-sword, single falchion, or cudgel-play; but +then he was very apt to quarrel with his best friends, especially if +they pretended to govern him. If you flattered him you might lead +him like a child. John's temper depended very much upon the air; +his spirits rose and fell with the weather-glass. John was quick +and understood his business very well, but no man alive was more +careless in looking into his accounts, or more cheated by partners, +apprentices, and servants. This was occasioned by his being a boon +companion, loving his bottle and his diversion; for, to say truth, +no man kept a better house than John, nor spent his money more +generously. By plain and fair dealing John had acquired some plums, +and might have kept them, had it not been for his unhappy lawsuit. + +Nic. Frog was a cunning, sly fellow, quite the reverse of John in +many particulars; covetous, frugal, minded domestic affairs, would +pinch his belly to save his pocket, never lost a farthing by +careless servants or bad debtors. He did not care much for any sort +of diversion, except tricks of high German artists and legerdemain. +No man exceeded Nic. in these; yet it must be owned that Nic. was a +fair dealer, and in that way acquired immense riches. + +Hocus was an old cunning attorney, and though this was the first +considerable suit that ever he was engaged in he showed himself +superior in address to most of his profession. He kept always good +clerks, he loved money, was smooth-tongued, gave good words, and +seldom lost his temper. He was not worse than an infidel, for he +provided plentifully for his family, but he loved himself better +than them all. The neighbours reported that he was henpecked, which +was impossible, by such a mild-spirited woman as his wife was. + + + +CHAPTER VI. Of the various success of the Lawsuit.* + +* The success of the war. + +Law is a bottomless pit; it is a cormorant, a harpy, that devours +everything. John Bull was flattered by the lawyers that his suit +would not last above a year or two at most; that before that time he +would be in quiet possession of his business; yet ten long years did +Hocus steer his cause through all the meanders of the law and all +the courts. No skill, no address was wanting, and, to say truth, +John did not starve the cause; there wanted not yellowboys to fee +counsel, hire witnesses, and bribe juries. Lord Strutt was +generally cast, never had one verdict in his favour, and John was +promised that the next, and the next, would be the final +determination; but, alas! that final determination and happy +conclusion was like an enchanted island; the nearer John came to it +the further it went from him. New trials upon new points still +arose, new doubts, new matters to be cleared; in short, lawyers +seldom part with so good a cause till they have got the oyster and +their clients the shell. John's ready money, book debts, bonds, +mortgages, all went into the lawyers' pockets. Then John began to +borrow money upon Bank Stock and East India Bonds. Now and then a +farm went to pot. At last it was thought a good expedient to set up +Esquire South's title to prove the will forged and dispossess Philip +Lord Strutt at once. Here again was a new field for the lawyers, +and the cause grew more intricate than ever. John grew madder and +madder; wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's servants he tore off +their clothes. Now and then you would see them come home naked, +without shoes, stockings, and linen. As for old Lewis Baboon, he +was reduced to his last shift, though he had as many as any other. +His children were reduced from rich silks to doily stuffs, his +servants in rags and barefooted; instead of good victuals they now +lived upon neck beef and bullock's liver. In short, nobody got much +by the matter but the men of law. + + + +CHAPTER VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleased with his success +that he was going to leave off his trade and turn Lawyer. + +It is wisely observed by a great philosopher that habit is a second +nature. This was verified in the case of John Bull, who, from an +honest and plain tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of +Justice, and such a jargon of law words, that he concluded himself +as able a lawyer as any that pleaded at the bar or sat on the bench. +He was overheard one day talking to himself after this manner: "How +capriciously does fate or chance dispose of mankind. How seldom is +that business allotted to a man for which he is fitted by Nature. +It is plain I was intended for a man of law. How did my guardians +mistake my genius in placing me, like a mean slave, behind a +counter? Bless me! what immense estates these fellows raise by the +law. Besides, it is the profession of a gentleman. What a pleasure +it is to be victorious in a cause: to swagger at the bar. What a +fool am I to drudge any more in this woollen trade. For a lawyer I +was born, and a lawyer I will be; one is never too old to learn."* +All this while John had conned over such a catalogue of hard words +as were enough to conjure up the devil; these he used to babble +indifferently in all companies, especially at coffee houses, so that +his neighbour tradesmen began to shun his company as a man that was +cracked. Instead of the affairs of Blackwell Hall and price of +broadcloth, wool, and baizes, he talks of nothing but actions upon +the case, returns, capias, alias capias, demurrers, venire facias, +replevins, supersedeases, certioraries, writs of error, actions of +trover and conversion, trespasses, precipes, and dedimus. This was +matter of jest to the learned in law; however Hocus and the rest of +the tribe encouraged John in his fancy, assuring him that he had a +great genius for law; that they questioned not but in time he might +raise money enough by it to reimburse him of all his charges; that +if he studied he would undoubtedly arrive to the dignity of a Lord +Chief Justice. As for the advice of honest friends and neighbours +John despised it; he looked upon them as fellows of a low genius, +poor grovelling mechanics. John reckoned it more honour to have got +one favourable verdict than to have sold a bale of broadcloth. As +for Nic. Frog, to say the truth, he was more prudent; for though he +followed his lawsuit closely he neglected not his ordinary business, +but was both in court and in his shop at the proper hours. + +* The manners and sentiments of the nation at that time. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. How John discovered that Hocus had an Intrigue with +his Wife;* and what followed thereupon. + +John had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an +extravagant wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, was +resolved to win over to his side. It is a true saying, that the +last man of the parish that knows of his cuckoldom is himself. It +was observed by all the neighbourhood that Hocus had dealings with +John's wife that were not so much for his honour; but this was +perceived by John a little too late: she was a luxurious jade, +loved splendid equipages, plays, treats and balls, differing very +much from the sober manners of her ancestors, and by no means fit +for a tradesman's wife. Hocus fed her extravagancy (what was still +more shameful) with John's own money. Everybody said that Hocus had +a month's mind to her; be that as it will, it is matter of fact, +that upon all occasions she ran out extravagantly on the praise of +Hocus. When John used to be finding fault with his bills, she used +to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest benefactor; one that +had taken so much pains in his lawsuit, and retrieved his family +from the oppression of old Lewis Baboon. A good swinging sum of +John's readiest cash went towards building of Hocus's country +house.** This affair between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now so open, +that all the world was scandalised at it; John was not so +clod-pated, but at last he took the hint. The parson of the parish +preaching one day with more zeal than sense against adultery, Mrs. +Bull told her husband that he was a very uncivil fellow to use such +coarse language before people of condition;*** that Hocus was of the +same mind, and that they would join to have him turned out of his +living for using personal reflections. How do you mean, says John, +by personal reflections? I hope in God, wife, he did not reflect +upon you? "No, thank God, my reputation is too well established in +the world to receive any hurt from such a foul-mouthed scoundrel as +he; his doctrine tends only to make husbands tyrants, and wives +slaves; must we be shut up, and husbands left to their liberty? +Very pretty indeed! a wife must never go abroad with a Platonic to +see a play or a ball; she must never stir without her husband; nor +walk in Spring Garden with a cousin. I do say, husband, and I will +stand by it, that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony +would be a most intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to +be the result of her own reason, and not of her husband's +government: for my part, I would scorn a husband that would be +jealous, if he saw a fellow with me." All this while John's blood +boiled in his veins: he was now confirmed in all his suspicions; +the hardest names, were the best words that John gave her. Things +went from better to worse, till Mrs. Bull aimed a knife at John, +though John threw a bottle at her head very brutally indeed: and +after this there was nothing but confusion; bottles, glasses, +spoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes, flew about like dust; the +result of which was, that Mrs. Bull received a bruise in her right +side of which she died half a year after. The bruise imposthumated, +and afterwards turned to a stinking ulcer, which made everybody shy +to come near her, yet she wanted not the help of many able +physicians, who attended very diligently, and did what men of skill +could do; but all to no purpose, for her condition was now quite +desperate, all regular physicians and her nearest relations having +given her over.**** + +* The opinion at that time of the General's tampering with the +Parliament. +** Blenheim Palace. +*** The story of Dr. Sacheverel, and the resentment of the House of +Commons. +**** The opinion of the Tories about that House of Commons. + + + +CHAPTER IX. How some Quacks undertook to cure Mrs. Bull of her +ulcer.* + +There is nothing so impossible in Nature but mountebanks will +undertake; nothing so incredible but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's +condition was looked upon as desperate by all the men of art; but +there were those that bragged they had an infallible ointment and +plaister, which being applied to the sore, would cure it in a few +days; at the same time they would give her a pill that would purge +off all her bad humours, sweeten her blood, and rectify her +disturbed imagination. In spite of all applications the patient +grew worse every day; she stunk so, nobody durst come within a +stone's throw of her, except those quacks who attended her close, +and apprehended no danger. If one asked them how Mrs. Bull did? +Better and better, said they; the parts heal, and her constitution +mends: if she submits to our government she will be abroad in a +little time. Nay, it is reported that they wrote to her friends in +the country that she should dance a jig next October in Westminster +Hall, and that her illness had been chiefly owing to bad physicians. +At last, one of them was sent for in great haste, his patient grew +worse and worse: when he came, he affirmed that it was a gross +mistake, and that she was never in a fairer way. Bring hither the +salve, says he, and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. As +he was applying his ointments, and administering the cordial, the +patient gave up the ghost, to the great confusion of the quack, and +the great joy of Bull and his friends. The quack flung away out of +the house in great disorder, and swore there was foul play, for he +was sure his medicines were infallible. Mrs. Bull having died +without any signs of repentance or devotion, the clergy would hardly +allow her a Christian burial. The relations had once resolved to +sue John for the murder, but considering better of it, and that such +a trial would rip up old sores, and discover things not so much to +the reputation of the deceased, they dropped their design. She left +no will, only there was found in her strong box the following words +written on a scrip of paper--"My curse on John Bull, and all my +posterity, if ever they come to any composition with the Lord +Strutt." + +She left him three daughters, whose names were Polemia, Discordia, +and Usuria.** + +* Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the dissolution of +that Parliament. +** War, faction, and usury. + + + +CHAPTER X. Of John Bull's second Wife, and the good Advice that she +gave him.* + +John quickly got the better of his grief, and, seeing that neither +his constitution nor the affairs of his family, could permit him to +live in an unmarried state, he resolved to get him another wife; a +cousin of his last wife's was proposed, but John would have no more +of the breed. In short, he wedded a sober country gentlewoman, of a +good family and a plentiful fortune, the reverse of the other in her +temper; not but that she loved money, for she was saving, and +applied her fortune to pay John's clamorous debts, that the unfrugal +method of his last wife, and this ruinous lawsuit, had brought him +into. One day, as she had got her husband in a good humour, she +talked to him after the following manner:--"My dear, since I have +been your wife, I have observed great abuses and disorders in your +family: your servants are mutinous and quarrelsome, and cheat you +most abominably; your cookmaid is in a combination with your +butcher, poulterer, and fishmonger; your butler purloins your +liquor, and the brewer sells you hogwash; your baker cheats both in +weight and in tale; even your milkwoman and your nursery-maid have a +fellow feeling; your tailor, instead of shreds, cabbages whole yards +of cloth; besides, leaving such long scores, and not going to market +with ready money forces us to take bad ware of the tradesmen at +their own price. You have not posted your books these ten years. +How is it possible for a man of business to keep his affairs even in +the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be honest; would to God +you would look over his bills, and see how matters stand between +Frog and you. Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit, and more +must be borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest. +Besides, my dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project +of leaving your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, +Nature never designed you. Believe me, these rogues do but flatter, +that they may pick your pocket; observe what a parcel of hungry +ragged fellows live by your cause; to be sure they will never make +an end of it. I foresee this haunt you have got about the courts +will one day or another bring your family to beggary. Consider, my +dear, how indecent it is to abandon your shop and follow +pettifoggers; the habit is so strong upon you, that there is hardly +a plea between two country esquires, about a barren acre upon a +common, but you draw yourself in as bail, surety, or solicitor." +John heard her all this while with patience, till she pricked his +maggot, and touched him in the tender point. Then he broke out into +a violent passion: "What, I not fit for a lawyer? let me tell you, +my clod-pated relations spoiled the greatest genius in the world +when they bred me a mechanic. Lord Strutt, and his old rogue of a +grandsire, have found to their cost that I can manage a lawsuit as +well as another." "I don't deny what you say," replied Mrs. Bull, +"nor do I call in question your parts; but, I say, it does not suit +with your circumstances; you and your predecessors have lived in +good reputation among your neighbours by this same clothing-trade, +and it were madness to leave it off. Besides, there are few that +know all the tricks and cheats of these lawyers. Does not your own +experience teach you how they have drawn you on from one term to +another, and how you have danced the round of all the courts, still +flattering you with a final issue; and, for aught I can see, your +cause is not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago." "I will be +hanged," says John, "if I accept of any composition from Strutt or +his grandfather; I'll rather wheel about the streets an engine to +grind knives and scissors. However, I'll take your advice, and look +over my accounts." + +* A new Parliament: the aversion of a Tory House of Commons to war. + + + +CHAPTER XI. How John looked over his Attorney's Bill.* + +* Looking over the accounts. + +When John first brought out the bills, the surprise of all the +family was unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them; they +would have measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop. +Fees to judges, puny judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philisers, +chirographers, under-clerks, proclamators, counsel, witnesses, +jurymen, marshals, tipstaffs, criers, porters; for enrollings, +exemplifications, bails, vouchers, returns, caveats, examinations, +filings of words, entries, declarations, replications, recordats, +nolle prosequies, certioraries, mittimuses, demurrers, special +verdicts, informations, scire facias, supersedeas, habeas corpus, +coach-hire, treating of witnesses, etc. "Verily," says John, "there +are a prodigious number of learned words in this law; what a pretty +science it is!" "Ay but, husband, you have paid for every syllable +and letter of these fine words. Bless me, what immense sums are at +the bottom of the account!" John spent several weeks in looking +over his bills, and, by comparing and stating his accounts, he +discovered that, besides the extravagance of every article, he had +been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for counsel that were +never fee'd, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were +never dressed, and journeys that were never made; in short, that the +tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog had agreed to throw the burden of the +lawsuit upon his shoulders. + + + +CHAPTER XII. How John grew angry, and resolved to accept a +Composition; and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for +keeping him from it.* + +Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say, "That a lawsuit is a suit +for life. He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a +hungry belly before harvest." This John felt by woeful experience. +John's cause was a good milch cow, and many a man subsisted his +family out of it. However, John began to think it high time to look +about him. He had a cousin in the country, one Sir Roger Bold, +whose predecessors had been bred up to the law, and knew as much of +it as anybody; but having left off the profession for some time, +they took great pleasure in compounding lawsuits among their +neighbours, for which they were the aversion of the gentlemen of the +long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys. +John put his cause in Sir Roger's hands, desiring him to make the +best of it. The news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers, +but they were all in an uproar. They brought all the rest of the +tradesmen upon John.** Squire South swore he was betrayed, that he +would starve before he compounded; Frog said he was highly wronged; +even lying Ned the chimney-sweeper and Tom the dustman complained +that their interest was sacrificed; the lawyers, solicitors, Hocus +and his clerks, were all up in arms at the news of the composition: +they abused him and his wife most shamefully. "You silly, awkward, +ill-bred country sow," quoth one, "have you no more manners than to +rail at Hocus that has saved that clod-pated numskulled ninny-hammer +of yours from ruin, and all his family? It is well known how he has +rose early and sat up late to make him easy, when he was sotting at +every alehouse in town. I knew his last wife: she was a woman of +breeding, good humour, and complaisance--knew how to live in the +world. As for you, you look like a puppet moved by clockwork; your +clothes hang upon you as they were upon tenter-hooks; and you come +into a room as you were going to steal away a pint pot. Get you +gone in the country, to look after your mother's poultry, to milk +the cows, churn the butter, and dress up nosegays for a holiday, and +not meddle with matters which you know no more of than the sign-post +before your door. It is well known that Hocus has an established +reputation; he never swore an oath, nor told a lie, in all his life; +he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends, liberal +to his dependents, and dutiful to his superiors; he values not your +money more than the dust under his feet, but he hates to be abused. +Once for all, Mrs. Minx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull +out these saucer-eyes of yours, and make that redstreak country face +look as raw as an ox-cheek upon a butcher's-stall; remember, I say, +that there are pillories and ducking-stools."*** With this away +they flung, leaving Mrs. Bull no time to reply. No stone was left +unturned to frighten John from his composition. Sometimes they +spread reports at coffee-houses that John and his wife were run mad; +that they intended to give up house, and make over all their estate +to Lewis Baboon; that John had been often heard talking to himself, +and seen in the streets without shoes or stockings; that he did +nothing from morning till night but beat his servants, after having +been the best master alive. As for his wife, she was a mere +natural. Sometimes John's house was beset with a whole regiment of +attornies' clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs' followers, and other +small retainers of the law, who threw stones at his windows, and +dirt at himself as he went along the street. When John complained +of want of ready-money to carry on his suit, they advised him to +pawn his plate and jewels, and that Mrs. Bull should sell her linen +and wearing clothes. + +* Talk of peace, and the struggle of the party against it. +** The endeavours made use of to stop the Treaty of Peace, +*** Reflections upon the House of Commons as ignorant, who know +nothing of business. + + + +CHAPTER XIII. Mrs. Bull's vindication of the indispensable duty +incumbent upon Wives in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or +Insufficiency of Husbands; being a full Answer to the Doctor's +Sermon against Adultery.* + +* The Tories' representation of the speeches at Sacheverel's trial. + +John found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad designs of +his deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his +cabinet, he found the following paper:-- + +"It is evident that matrimony is founded upon an original contract, +whereby the wife makes over the right she has by the law of Nature +in favour of the husband, by which he acquires the property of all +her posterity. But, then, the obligation is mutual; and where the +contract is broken on one side it ceases to bind on the other. +Where there is a right there must be a power to maintain it and to +punish the offending party. This power I affirm to be that original +right, or rather that indispensable duty lodged in all wives in the +cases above mentioned. No wife is bound by any law to which herself +has not consented. All economical government is lodged originally +in the husband and wife, the executive part being in the husband; +both have their privileges secured to them by law and reason; but +will any man infer from the husband being invested with the +executive power, that the wife is deprived of her share, and that +she has no remedy left but preces and lacrymae, or an appeal to a +supreme court of judicature? No less frivolous are the arrangements +that are drawn from the general appellations and terms of husband +and wife. A husband denotes several different sorts of magistracy, +according to the usages and customs of different climates and +countries. In some eastern nations it signifies a tyrant, with the +absolute power of life and death. In Turkey it denotes an arbitrary +governor, with power of perpetual imprisonment; in Italy it gives +the husband the power of poison and padlocks; in the countries of +England, France, and Holland, it has a quite different meaning, +implying a free and equal government, securing to the wife in +certain cases the liberty of change, and the property of pin-money +and separate maintenance. So that the arguments drawn from the +terms of husband and wife are fallacious, and by no means fit to +support a tyrannical doctrine, as that of absolute unlimited +chastity and conjugal fidelity. + +"The general exhortations to fidelity in wives are meant only for +rules in ordinary cases, but they naturally suppose three conditions +of ability, justice, and fidelity in the husband; such an unlimited, +unconditioned fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by +reasonable men. It seems a reflection upon the Church to charge her +with doctrines that countenance oppression. + +"This doctrine of the original right of change is congruous to the +law of Nature, which is superior to all human laws, and for that I +dare appeal to all wives: It is much to the honour of our English +wives that they have never given up that fundamental point, and that +though in former ages they were muffled up in darkness and +superstition, yet that notion seemed engraven on their minds, and +the impression so strong that nothing could impair it. + +"To assert the illegality of change, upon any pretence whatsoever, +were to cast odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the +necessary means of perpetuating families--such laws can never be +supposed to have been designed to defeat the very end of matrimony. +I call them necessary means, for in many cases what other means are +left? Such a doctrine wounds the honour of families, unsettles the +titles to kingdoms, honours, and estates; for if the actions from +which such settlements spring were illegal, all that is built upon +them must be so too; but the last is absurd, therefore the first +must be so likewise. What is the cause that Europe groans at +present under the heavy load of a cruel and expensive war, but the +tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the scrupulous nicety of +a silly queen in not exercising this indispensable duty, whereby the +kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted succession might +have been avoided. These are the effects of the narrow maxims of +your clergy, 'That one must not do evil that good may come of it.' + +"The assertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of +matrimony, do all in their hearts favour the pretenders to married +women; for if the true legal foundation of the married state be once +sapped, and instead thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must +follow but elopements instead of secret and peaceable change? + +"From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the absurdity +of the doctrine of this seditious, discontented, hot-headed, +ungifted, unedifying preacher, asserting 'that the grand security of +the matrimonial state, and the pillar upon which it stands, is +founded upon the wife's belief of an absolute unconditional fidelity +to the husband;' by which bold assertion he strikes at the root, +digs the foundation, and removes the basis upon which the happiness +of a married state is built. As for his personal reflections, I +would gladly know who are those 'wanton wives' he speaks of? who are +those ladies of high stations that he so boldly traduces in his +sermon? It is pretty plain who these aspersions are aimed at, for +which he deserves the pillory, or something worse. + +"In confirmation of this doctrine of the indispensable duty of +change, I could bring the example of the wisest wives in all ages, +who by these means have preserved their husband's families from ruin +and oblivion by want of posterity; but what has been said is a +sufficient ground for punishing this pragmatical parson." + + + +CHAPTER XIV. The two great Parties of Wives, the Devotos and the +Hitts.* + +*Those who were for and against the doctrine of nonresistance. + +The doctrine of unlimited fidelity in wives was universally espoused +by all husbands, who went about the country and made the wives sign +papers signifying their utter detestation and abhorrence of Mrs. +Bull's wicked doctrine of the indispensable duty of change. Some +yielded, others refused to part with their native liberty, which +gave rise to two great parties amongst the wives, the Devotos and +the Hitts. Though, it must be owned, the distinction was more +nominal than real; for the Devotos would abuse freedoms sometimes, +and those who were distinguished by the name of Hitts were often +very honest. At the same time there was an ingenious treatise came +out with the title of "Good Advice to Husbands," in which they are +counselled not to trust too much to their wives owning the doctrine +of unlimited conjugal fidelity, and so to neglect a due watchfulness +over the manners of their wives; that the greatest security to +husbands was a good usage of their wives and keeping them from +temptation, many husbands having been sufferers by their trusting +too much to general professions, as was exemplified in the case of a +foolish and negligent husband, who, trusting to the efficacy of this +principle, was undone by his wife's elopement from him. + + + +CHAPTER XV. An Account of the Conference between Mrs. Bull and Don +Diego.* + +* A Tory nobleman who, by his influence upon the House of Commons, +endeavoured to stop the Treaty. + +The lawyers, as their last effort to put off the composition, sent +Don Diego to John. Don Diego was a very worthy gentleman, a friend +to John, his mother, and present wife, and, therefore, supposed to +have some influence over her. He had been ill used himself by +John's lawyers, but because of some animosity to Sir Roger was +against the composition. The conference between him and Mrs. Bull +was word for word as follows:-- + +DON DIEGO.--Is it possible, cousin Bull, that you can forget the +honourable maxims of the family you are come of, and break your word +with three of the honestest, best-meaning persons in the world-- +Esquires South, Frog, and Hocus--that have sacrificed their +interests to yours? It is base to take advantage of their +simplicity and credulity, and leave them in the lurch at last. + +MRS. BULL--I am sure they have left my family in a bad condition, we +have hardly money to go to market; and nobody will take our words +for sixpence. A very fine spark this Esquire South! My husband +took him in, a dirty boy. It was the business of half the servants +to attend him.* The rogue did bawl and make such a noise: +sometimes he fell in the fire and burnt his face, sometimes broke +his shins clambering over the benches, and always came in so dirty, +as if he had been dragged through the kennel at a boarding-school. +He lost his money at chuck-farthing, shuffle-cap, and all-fours; +sold his books, pawned his linen, which we were always forced to +redeem. Then the whole generation of him are so in love with +bagpipes and puppet-shows! I wish you knew what my husband has paid +at the pastry-cook's and confectioner's for Naples biscuits, tarts, +custards, and sweetmeats. All this while my husband considered him +as a gentleman of a good family that had fallen into decay, gave him +good education, and has settled him in a good creditable way of +living--having procured him, by his interest, one of the best places +of the country. And what return, think you, does this fine +gentleman make us? he will hardly give me or my husband a good word, +or a civil expression. Instead of Sir and Madam (which, though I +say it, is our due), he calls us "goody " and "gaffer" such-a-one; +says he did us a great deal of honour to board with us; huffs and +dings at such a rate, because we will not spend the little we have +left to get him the title and estate of Lord Strutt; and then +forsooth, we shall have the honour to be his woollen-drapers.** +Besides, Esquire South will be Esquire South still; fickle, proud, +and ungrateful. If he behaves himself so when he depends on us for +his daily bread, can any man say what he will do when he is got +above the world? + +* Something relating to the manners of a great prince, superstition, +love of operas, shows, etc. +** Something relating to forms and titles. + +D. DIEGO.--And would you lose the honour of so noble and generous an +undertaking? Would you rather accept this scandalous composition, +and trust that old rogue, Lewis Baboon? + +MRS. BULL.--Look you, Friend Diego, if we law it on till Lewis turns +honest, I am afraid our credit will run low at Blackwell Hall. I +wish every man had his own; but I still say, that Lord Strutt's +money shines as bright and chinks as well as Esquire South's. I +don't know any other hold that we tradesmen have of these great +folks but their interest: buy dear and sell cheap, and I warrant ye +you will keep your customer. The worst is, that Lord Strutt's +servants have got such a haunt about that old rogue's shop, that it +will cost us many a firkin of strong beer to bring them back again; +and the longer they are in a bad road, the harder it will be to get +them out of it. + +D. DIEGO.--But poor Frog, what has he done! On my conscience, if +there be an honest, sincere man in the world, it is that Frog. + +MRS. BULL.--I think I need not tell you how much Frog has been +obliged to our family from his childhood; he carries his head high +now, but he had never been the man he is without our help.* Ever +since the commencement of this lawsuit, it has been the business of +Hocus, in sharing out expenses, to plead for Frog. "Poor Frog," +says he, "is in hard circumstances, he has a numerous family, and +lives from hand to mouth; his children don't eat a bit of good +victuals from one year's end to the other, but live upon salt +herring, sour curd, and borecole. He does his utmost, poor fellow, +to keep things even in the world, and has exerted himself beyond his +ability in this lawsuit; but he really has not wherewithal to go on. +What signifies this hundred pounds? place it upon your side of the +account; it is a great deal to poor Frog, and a trifle to you." +This has been Hocus's constant language, and I am sure he has had +obligations enough to us to have acted another part. + +* Complaints of the House of Commons of the unequal burden of the +war. + +D. DIEGO.--No doubt Hocus meant all this for the best, but he is a +tender-hearted, charitable man; Frog is indeed in hard +circumstances. + +MRS. BULL--Hard circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the +last degree. All the time of the lawsuit, as fast as I have +mortgaged, Frog has purchased: from a plain tradesman, with a shop, +warehouse, and a country hut with a dirty fish-pond at the end of +it, he is now grown a very rich country gentleman, with a noble +landed estate, noble palaces, manors, parks, gardens, and farms, +finer than any we were ever master of.* Is it not strange, when my +husband disbursed great sums every term, Frog should be purchasing +some new farm or manor? so that if this lawsuit lasts, he will be +far the richest man in his country. What is worse than all this, he +steals away my customers every day; twelve of the richest and the +best have left my shop by his persuasion, and whom, to my certain +knowledge, he has under bonds never to return again: judge you if +this be neighbourly dealing. + +* The Dutch acquisitions in Flanders. + +D. DIEGO--Frog is indeed pretty close in his dealings, but very +honest: you are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure +there must be some mistake in this. + +MRS. BULL--A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of +it, how Hocus and those rogues kept my husband, John Bull, drunk for +five years together with punch and strong waters: I am sure he +never went one night sober to bed, till they got him to sign the +strangest deed that ever you saw in your life. The methods they +took to manage him I'll tell you another time; at present I'll read +only the writing. + +Articles of Agreement betwixt JOHN BULL, Clothier, and NICHOLAS +FROG, Linen-draper.* + +* The sentiments of the House of Commons, and their representation +of the Barrier Treaty. + +I. That for maintaining the ancient good correspondence and +friendship between the said parties, I, Nicholas Frog, do solemnly +engage and promise to keep peace in John Bull's family; that neither +his wife, children, nor servants, give him any trouble, disturbance, +or molestation whatsoever, but to oblige them all to do their duty +quietly in their respective stations. And whereas the said John +Bull, from the assured confidence that he has in my friendship, has +appointed me executor of his last will and testament, and guardian +to his children, I do undertake for me, my heirs and assigns, to see +the same duly executed and performed, and that it shall be +unalterable in all its parts by John Bull, or anybody else: for +that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable for me to enter his +house at any hour of the day or night, to break open bars, bolts, +and doors, chests of drawers, and strong boxes, in order to secure +the peace of my friend John Bull's family, and to see his will duly +executed. + +II. In consideration of which kind neighbourly office of Nicholas +Frog, in that he has been pleased to accept of the aforesaid trust, +I, John Bull, having duly considered that my friend, Nicholas Frog, +at this time lives in a marshy soil and unwholesome air, infested +with fogs and damps, destructive of the health of himself, wife, and +children, do bind and oblige me, my heirs and assigns, to purchase +for the said Nicholas Frog, with the best and readiest of my cash, +bonds, mortgages, goods and chattels, a landed estate, with parks, +gardens, palaces, rivers, fields, and outlets, consisting of as +large extent as the said Nicholas Frog shall think fit. And whereas +the said Nicholas Frog is at present hemmed in too close by the +grounds of Lewis Baboon, master of the science of defence, I, the +said John Bull, do oblige myself with the readiest of my cash, to +purchase and enclose the said grounds, for as many fields and acres +as the said Nicholas shall think fit; to the intent that the said +Nicholas may have free egress and regress, without let or +molestation, suitable to the demands of himself and family. + +III. Furthermore, the said John Bull obliges himself to make the +country neighbours of Nicholas Frog allot a certain part of yearly +rents, to pay for the repairs of the said landed estate, to the +intent that his good friend, Nicholas Frog, may be eased of all +charges. + +IV. And whereas the said Nicholas Frog did contract with the +deceased Lord Strutt about certain liberties, privileges, and +immunities, formerly in the possession of the said John Bull, I, the +said John Bull, do freely by these presents, renounce, quit, and +make over to the said Nicholas, the liberties, privileges, and +immunities contracted for, in as full a manner, as if they never had +belonged to me. + +V. The said John Bull obliges himself, his heirs and assigns, not +to sell one rag of broad or coarse cloth to any gentleman within the +neighbourhood of the said Nicholas, except in such quantities and +such rates as the said Nicholas shall think fit. + Signed and sealed, + JOHN BULL, + NIC. FROG. + +The reading of this paper put Mrs. Bull in such a passion that she +fell downright into a fit, and they were forced to give her a good +quantity of the spirit of hartshorn before she recovered. + +D. DIEGO--Why in such a passion, cousin? considering your +circumstances at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable +contract. You see Frog, for all this, is religiously true to his +bargain; he scorns to hearken to any composition without your +privacy. + +MRS. BULL.--You know the contrary.* Read that letter. + +[Reads the superscription.] For Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble +Science of Defence. + +"SIR.--I understand that you are at this time treating with my +friend John Bull, about restoring the Lord Strutt's custom, and +besides allowing him certain privileges of parks and fish-ponds; I +wonder how you that are a man that knows the world, can talk with +that simple fellow. He has been my bubble these twenty years, and +to my certain knowledge, understands no more of his own affairs than +a child in swaddling clothes. I know he has got a sort of a +pragmatical silly jade of a wife, that pretends to take him out of +my hands; but you and she both will find yourselves mistaken; I'll +find those that shall manage her; and for him, he dares as well be +hanged as make one step in his affairs without my consent. If you +will give me what you promised him, I will make all things easy, and +stop the deeds of ejectment against Lord Strutt: if you will not, +take what follows. I shall have a good action against you, for +pretending to rob me of my bubble. Take this warning from + "Your loving friend, + "NIC. FROG." + +* Secret negotiations of the Dutch at that time. + +I am told, cousin Diego, you are one of those that have undertaken +to manage me, and that you have said you will carry a green bag +yourself, rather than we shall make an end of our lawsuit: I'll +teach them and you too to manage. + +D. DIEGO.--For God's sake, madam, why so choleric? I say this +letter is some forgery; it never entered into the head of that +honest man, Nic. Frog, to do any such thing. + +MRS. BULL.--I can't abide you. You have been railing these twenty +years at Squire South, Frog, and Hocus, calling them rogues and +pickpockets, and now they are turned the honestest fellows in the +world. What is the meaning of all this? + +D. DIEGO.--Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir Roger in +your affairs, and not think of your old friend Diego? + +MRS. BULL.--So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have +employed Sir Roger in several weighty affairs, and have found him +trusty and honest, and the poor man always scorned to take a +farthing of me. I have abundance that profess great zeal, but they +are damnable greedy of the pence. My husband and I are now in such +circumstances, that we must be served upon cheaper terms than we +have been. + +D. DIEGO.--Well, cousin, I find I can do no good with you; I am +sorry that you will ruin yourself by trusting this Sir Roger. + + + +CHAPTER XVI. How the guardians of the deceased Mrs. Bull's three +daughters came to John, and what advice they gave him; wherein is +briefly treated the characters of the three daughters. Also John +Bull's answer to the three guardians.* + +* Concerns of the party, and speeches for carrying on the war, etc. +Sentiments of the Tories and House of Commons against continuing the +war for setting King Charles upon the throne of Spain. + +I told you in a former chapter that Mrs. Bull, before she departed +this life, had blessed John with three daughters. I need not here +repeat their names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous +reflections upon young ladies, whose reputations ought to be very +tenderly handled; but the characters of these were so well known in +the neighbourhood, that it is doing them no injury to make a short +description of them. + +The eldest* was a termagant, imperious, prodigal, lewd, profligate +wench, as ever breathed; she used to rantipole about the house, +pinch the children, kick the servants, and torture the cats and the +dogs; she would rob her father's strong box, for money to give the +young fellows that she was fond of. She had a noble air, and +something great in her mien, but such a noisome infectious breath, +as threw all the servants that dressed her into consumptions; if she +smelt to the freshest nosegay, it would shrivel and wither as it had +been blighted: she used to come home in her cups, and break the +china, and the looking-glasses; and was of such an irregular temper, +and so entirely given up to her passion, that you might argue as +well with the North wind, as with her ladyship: so expensive, that +the income of three dukedoms was not enough to supply her +extravagance. Hocus loved her best, believing her to be his own, +got upon the body of Mrs. Bull. + +* Polemia. + +The second daughter,* born a year after her sister, was a peevish, +froward, ill-conditioned creature as ever was, ugly as the devil, +lean, haggard, pale, with saucer eyes, a sharp nose, and hunched +backed; but active, sprightly, and diligent about her affairs. Her +ill complexion was occasioned by her bad diet, which was coffee** +morning, noon, and night. She never rested quietly a-bed, but used +to disturb the whole family with shrieking out in her dreams, and +plague them next day with interpreting them, for she took them all +for gospel; she would cry out "Murder!" and disturb the whole +neighbourhood; and when John came running downstairs to inquire what +the matter was, nothing forsooth, only her maid had stuck a pin +wrong in her gown; she turned away one servant for putting too much +oil in her salad, and another for putting too little salt in her +water-gruel; but such as by flattery had procured her esteem, she +would indulge in the greatest crime. Her father had two coachmen; +when one was in the coach-box, if the coach swung but the least to +one side, she used to shriek so loud, that all the street concluded +she was overturned; but though the other was eternally drunk, and +had overturned the whole family, she was very angry with her father +for turning him away. Then she used to carry tales and stories from +one to another, till she had set the whole neighbourhood together by +the ears; and this was the only diversion she took pleasure in. She +never went abroad, but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous +lies, as would have amazed any mortal, but such as know her: of a +whale that had swallowed a fleet of ships; of the lions being let +out of the Tower, to destroy the Protestant religion; of the Pope's +being seen in a brandy-shop at Wapping; and a prodigious strong man +that was going to shove down the cupola of St. Paul's; of three +millions of five pound pieces that Squire South had found under an +old wall; of blazing stars, flying dragons, and abundance of such +stuff. All the servants in the family made high court to her, for +she domineered there, and turned out and in whom she pleased; only +there was an old grudge between her and Sir Roger, whom she mortally +hated and used to hire fellows to squirt kennel water upon him as he +passed along the streets; so that he was forced constantly to wear a +surtout of oiled cloth, by which means he came home pretty clean, +except where the surtout was a little scanty. + +* Discordia. +** Coffee-house tattle. + +As for the third* she was a thief and a common mercenary. She had +no respect of persons: a prince or a porter was all one, according +as they paid; yea, she would leave the finest gentleman in the world +to go to an ugly fellow for sixpence more. In the practice of her +profession she had amassed vast magazines of all sorts of things: +she had above five hundred suits of fine clothes, and yet went +abroad like a cinder wench. She robbed and starved all the +servants, so that nobody could live near her. + +* Usuria. + +So much for John's three daughters, which you will say were rarities +to be fond of. Yet Nature will shew itself. Nobody could blame +their relations for taking care of them, and therefore it was that +Hocus, with two other of the guardians, thought it their duty to +take care of the interest of the three girls and give John their +best advice before he compounded the lawsuit. + +HOCUS.--What makes you so shy of late, my good friend? There's +nobody loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your +affairs. As I hope to be saved I would do anything to serve you; I +would crawl upon all fours to serve you; I have spent my health and +paternal estate in your service. I have, indeed, a small pittance +left, with which I might retire, and with as good a conscience as +any man; but the thoughts of this disgraceful composition so touches +me to the quick that I cannot sleep. After I had brought the cause +to the last stroke, that one verdict more had quite ruined old Lewis +and Lord Strutt, and put you in the quiet possession of everything-- +then to compound! I cannot bear it. This cause was my favourite; I +had set my heart upon it; it is like an only child; I cannot endure +it should miscarry. For God's sake consider only to what a dismal +condition old Lewis is brought. He is at an end of all his cash; +his attorneys have hardly one trick left; they are at an end of all +their chicane; besides, he has both his law and his daily bread now +upon trust. Hold out only one term longer, and I'll warrant you +before the next we shall have him in the Fleet. I'll bring him to +the pillory; his ears shall pay for his perjuries. For the love of +God don't compound. Let me be damned if you have a friend in the +world that loves you better than I. There is nobody can say I am +covetous or that I have any interests to pursue but yours. + +SECOND GUARDIAN.--There is nothing so plain as that this Lewis has a +design to ruin all his neighbouring tradesmen, and at this time he +has such a prodigious income by his trade of all kinds, that, if +there is not some stop put to his exorbitant riches, he will +monopolise everything; nobody will be able to sell a yard of drapery +or mercery ware but himself. I then hold it advisable that you +continue the lawsuit and burst him at once. My concern for the +three poor motherless children obliges me to give you this advice; +for their estates, poor girls, depend upon the success of this +cause. + +THIRD GUARDIAN.--I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but +then consider it is a jewel well worth the purchasing at the price +of all you have. None but Mr. Bull's declared enemies can say he +has any other security for his clothing trade but the ejectment of +Lord Strutt. The only question, then, that remains to be decided +is: who shall stand the expenses of the suit? To which the answer +is as plain: who but he that is to have the advantage of the +sentence? When Esquire South has got possession of his title and +honour is not John Bull to be his clothier? Who, then, but John +ought to put in possession? Ask but any indifferent gentleman, Who +ought to bear his charges at law? and he will readily answer, His +tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to death with it, +that, being his clothier, you ought to put him in quiet possession +of his estate, and with the same generous spirit you have begun it +complete the good work. If you persist in the bad measures you are +now in, what must become of the three poor orphans! My heart bleeds +for the poor girls. + +JOHN BULL.--You are all very eloquent persons, but give me leave to +tell you you express a great deal more concern for the three girls +than for me. I think my interest ought to be considered in the +first place. As for you, Hocus, I can't but say you have managed my +lawsuit with great address and much to my honour, and, though I say +it, you have been well paid for it. Why must the burden be taken +off Frog's back and laid upon my shoulders? He can drive about his +own parks and fields in his gilt chariot, when I have been forced to +mortgage my estate; his note will go farther than my bond. Is it +not matter of fact, that from the richest tradesman in all the +country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from scriveners and usurers +that suck the heart, blood, and guts out of me, and what is all this +for! Did you like Frog's countenance better than mine? Was not I +your old friend and relation? Have I not presented you nobly? Have +I not clad your whole family? Have you not had a hundred yards at a +time of the finest cloth in my shop? Why must the rest of the +tradesmen be not only indemnified from charges, but forbid to go on +with their own business, and what is more their concern than mine? +As to holding out this term I appeal to your own conscience, has not +that been your constant discourse these six years, "One term more +and old Lewis goes to pot?" If thou art so fond of my cause be +generous for once, and lend me a brace of thousands. Ah, Hocus! +Hocus! I know thee: not a sous to save me from jail, I trow. Look +ye, gentlemen, I have lived with credit in the world, and it grieves +my heart never to stir out of my doors but to be pulled by the +sleeve by some rascally dun or other. "Sir, remember my bill. +There's a small concern of a thousand pounds; I hope you think on't, +sir." And to have these usurers transact my debts at coffee-houses +and ale-houses, as if I were going to break up shop. Lord! that +ever the rich, the generous John Bull, clothier, the envy of all his +neighbours, should be brought to compound his debts for five +shillings in the pound, and to have his name in an advertisement for +a statute of bankrupt. The thought of it makes me mad. I have read +somewhere in the Apocrypha, "That one should not consult with a +woman touching her of whom she is jealous; nor with a merchant +concerning exchange; nor with a buyer, of selling; nor with an +unmerciful man, of kindness, etc." I could have added one thing +more: nor with an attorney about compounding a lawsuit. The +ejectment of Lord Strutt will never do. The evidence is crimp: the +witnesses swear backwards and forwards, and contradict themselves; +and his tenants stick by him. One tells me that I must carry on my +suit, because Lewis is poor; another, because he is still too rich: +whom shall I believe? I am sure of one thing, that a penny in the +purse is the best friend John can have at last, and who can say that +this will be the last suit I shall be engaged in? Besides, if this +ejectment were practicable is it reasonable that, when Esquire South +is losing his money to sharpers and pickpockets, going about the +country with fiddlers and buffoons, and squandering his income with +hawks and dogs, I should lay out the fruits of my honest industry in +a lawsuit for him, only upon the hopes of being his clothier? And +when the cause is over I shall not have the benefit of my project +for want of money to go to market. Look ye, gentlemen, John Bull is +but a plain man, but John Bull knows when he is ill used. I know +the infirmity of our family: we are apt to play the boon-companion +and throw away our money in our cups. But it was an unfair thing in +you, gentlemen, to take advantage of my weakness, to keep a parcel +of roaring bullies about me day and night, with huzzas and hunting +horns, and ringing the changes on butcher's cleavers; never let me +cool, and make me set my hand to papers when I could hardly hold my +pen. There will come a day of reckoning for all that proceeding. +In the meantime, gentlemen, I beg you will let me into my affairs a +little, and that you would not grudge me the small remainder of a +very great estate. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. Esquire South's Message and Letter to Mrs. Bull.* + +* Complaints of the deficiencies of the House of Austria, Prince +Eugene's journey and message. + +The arguments used by Hocus and the rest of the guardians had +hitherto proved insufficient. John and his wife could not be +persuaded to bear the expense of Esquire South's lawsuit. They +thought it reasonable that, since he was to have the honour and +advantage, he should bear the greatest share of the charges, and +retrench what he lost to sharpers and spent upon country dances and +puppet plays to apply it to that use. This was not very grateful to +the esquire; therefore, as the last experiment, he was resolved to +send Signior Benenato, master of his foxhounds, to Mrs. Bull to try +what good he could do with her. This Signior Benenato had all the +qualities of a fine gentleman that were set to charm a lady's heart, +and if any person in the world could have persuaded her it was he. +But such was her unshaken fidelity to her husband, and the constant +purpose of her mind to pursue his interest, that the most refined +arts of gallantry that were practised could not seduce her heart. +The necklaces, diamond crosses, and rich bracelets that were offered +she rejected with the utmost scorn and disdain. The music and +serenades that were given her sounded more ungratefully in her ears +than the noise of a screech owl. However, she received Esquire +South's letter by the hands of Signior Benenato with that respect +which became his quality. The copy of the letter is as follows, in +which you will observe he changes a little his usual style:-- + +MADAM,--The Writ of Ejectment against Philip Baboon (pretended Lord +Strutt) is just ready to pass. There want but a few necessary forms +and a verdict or two more to put me in the quiet possession of my +honour and estate. I question not but that, according to your +wonted generosity and goodness, you will give it the finishing +stroke: an honour that I would grudge anybody but yourself. In +order to ease you of some part of the charges, I promise to furnish +pen, ink, and paper, provided you pay for the stamps. Besides, I +have ordered my stewards to pay out of the readiest and best of my +rents five pounds ten shillings a year till my suit is finished. I +wish you health and happiness, being with due respect, + Madam, your assured friend, + SOUTH. + +What answer Mrs. Bull returned to this letter you shall know in my +second part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their +proposals; for as Esquire South only offered to be at the charges of +pen, ink, and paper, Mrs. Bull refused any more than to lend her +barge* to carry his counsel to Westminster Hall. + +* Sending the English Fleet to convoy the forces to Barcelona. + + + +PART II. + + +THE PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. + +The world is much indebted to the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth for +his ingenious and impartial account of John Bull's lawsuit. Yet +there is just cause of complaint against him, in that he relates it +only by parcels, and won't give us the whole work. This forces me, +who am only the publisher, to bespeak the assistance of his friends +and acquaintance to engage him to lay aside that stingey humour and +gratify the curiosity of the public at once. He pleads in excuse +that they are only private memoirs, wrote for his own use in a loose +style to serve as a help to his ordinary conversation. I +represented to him the good reception the first part had met with; +that, though calculated only for the meridian of Grub Street, it was +yet taken notice of by the better sort; that the world was now +sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested itself in his +concerns. He answered with a smile, that he had, indeed, some +trifling things to impart that concerned John Bull's relations and +domestic affairs. If these would satisfy me he gave me free leave +to make use of them, because they would serve to make the history of +the lawsuit more intelligible. When I had looked over the +manuscript I found likewise some further account of the composition, +which, perhaps, may not be unacceptable to such as have read the +former part. + + + +CHAPTER I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.* + +* The Church of England. + +John had a mother whom he loved and honoured extremely, a discreet, +grave, sober, good-conditioned, cleanly old gentlewoman as ever +lived. She was none of your cross-grained, termagant, scolding +jades that one had as good be hanged as live in the house with, such +as are always censuring the conduct and telling scandalous stories +of their neighbours, extolling their own good qualities and +undervaluing those of others. On the contrary, she was of a meek +spirit, and, as she was strictly virtuous herself, so she always put +the best construction upon the words and actions of her neighbours, +except where they were irreconcileable to the rules of honesty and +decency. She was neither one of your precise prudes, nor one of +your fantastical old belles that dress themselves like girls of +fifteen; as she neither wore a ruff, forehead-cloth, nor +high-crowned hat, so she had laid aside feathers, flowers, and +crimpt ribbons in her head-dress, furbelow-scarfs, and +hooped-petticoats. She scorned to patch and paint, yet she loved to +keep her hands and her face clean. Though she wore no flaunting +laced ruffles, she would not keep herself in a constant sweat with +greasy flannel. Though her hair was not stuck with jewels, she was +not ashamed of a diamond cross; she was not, like some ladies, hung +about with toys and trinkets, tweezer-cases, pocket-glasses, and +essence-bottles; she used only a gold watch and an almanack to mark +the hours and the holy days. + +Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gout. +As she affected not the grandeur of a state with a canopy, she +thought there was no offence in an elbow-chair. She had laid aside +your carving, gilding, and Japan work as being too apt to gather +dirt. But she never could be prevailed upon to part with plain +wainscot and clean hangings. There are some ladies that affect to +smell a stink in everything; they are always highly perfumed, and +continually burning frankincense in their rooms. She was above such +affectation, yet she never would lay aside the use of brooms and +scrubbing-brushes, and scrupled not to lay her linen in fresh +lavender. + +She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without +affectation; in the due mean between one of your affected, +curtseying pieces of formality and your romps that have no regard to +the common rules of civility. There are some ladies that affect a +mighty regard for their relations. "We must not eat to-day, for my +uncle Tom, or my cousin Betty, died this time ten years. Let's have +a ball to-night, it is my neighbour Such-a-one's birthday." She +looked upon all this as grimace, yet she constantly observed her +husband's birthday, her wedding-day, and some few more. + +Though she was a truly good woman, and had a sincere motherly love +for her son John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to +create a misunderstanding between them, and they had so far +prevailed with him once that he turned her out of doors, to his +great sorrow, as he found afterwards, for his affairs went on at +sixes and sevens. + +She was no less judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice +of her studies, in which she far exceeded all her sex. Your rakes +that hate the company of all sober, grave gentlewomen would bear +hers, and she would, by her handsome manner of proceeding, sooner +reclaim than some that were more sour and reserved. She was a +zealous preacher up of conjugal fidelity in wives, and by no means a +friend to the new-fangled doctrine of the indispensable duty of +change. Though she advanced her opinions with a becoming assurance, +yet she never ushered them in as some positive creatures will do, +with dogmatical assertions. "This is infallible; I cannot be +mistaken; none but a rogue can deny it." It has been observed that +such people are oftener in the wrong than anybody. + +Though she had a thousand good qualities, she was not without her +faults, amongst which one might, perhaps, reckon too great lenity to +her servants, to whom she always gave good counsel, but often too +gentle correction. I thought I could not say less of John Bull's +mother, because she bears a part in the following transactions. + + + +CHAPTER II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg,* with the +Quarrels that happened between Master and Miss in their Childhood. + +* The nation and Church of Scotland. + +John had a sister, a poor girl that had been starved at nurse. +Anybody would have guessed Miss to have been bred up under the +influence of a cruel stepdame, and John to be the fondling of a +tender mother. John looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks +like a trumpeter; Miss looked pale and wan, as if she had the green +sickness; and no wonder, for John was the darling: he had all the +good bits, was crammed with good pullet, chicken, pig, goose, and +capon; while Miss had only a little oatmeal and water, or a dry +crust without butter. John had his golden pippins, peaches, and +nectarines; poor Miss, a crab-apple, sloe, or a blackberry. Master +lay in the best apartment, with his bedchamber towards the south +sun. Miss lodged in a garret exposed to the north wind, which +shrivelled her countenance. However, this usage, though it stunted +the girl in her growth, gave her a hardy constitution; she had life +and spirit in abundance, and knew when she was ill-used. Now and +then she would seize upon John's commons, snatch a leg of a pullet, +or a bit of good beef, for which they were sure to go to fisticuffs. +Master was indeed too strong for her, but Miss would not yield in +the least point; but even when Master had got her down, she would +scratch and bite like a tiger; when he gave her a cuff on the ear, +she would prick him with her knitting-needle. John brought a great +chain one day to tie her to the bedpost, for which affront Miss +aimed a penknife at his heart. In short, these quarrels grew up to +rooted aversions; they gave one another nicknames, though the girl +was a tight clever wench as any was, and through her pale looks you +might discern spirit and vivacity, which made her not, indeed, a +perfect beauty, but something that was agreeable. It was barbarous +in parents not to take notice of these early quarrels, and make them +live better together, such domestic feuds proving afterwards the +occasion of misfortunes to them both. Peg had, indeed, some odd +humours* and comical antipathy, for which John would jeer her. +"What think you of my sister Peg," says he, "that faints at the +sound of an organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the noise of a +bagpipe?" "What's that to you?" quoth Peg. "Everybody's to choose +their own music." Then Peg had taken a fancy not to say her +Paternoster, which made people imagine strange things of her. Of +the three brothers that have made such a clutter in the world--Lord +Peter, Martin, and Jack--Jack had of late been her inclinations. +Lord Peter she detested, nor did Martin stand much better in her +good graces; but Jack had found the way to her heart. I have often +admired what charms she discovered in that awkward booby, till I +talked with a person that was acquainted with the intrigue, who gave +me the following account of it. + +* Love of Presbytery. + + + +CHAPTER III. Jack's Charms,* or the Method by which he gained Peg's +Heart. + +* Character of the Presbyterians. + +In the first place, Jack was a very young fellow, by much the +youngest of the three brothers, and people, indeed, wondered how +such a young upstart jackanapes should grow so pert and saucy, and +take so much upon him. + +Jack bragged of greater abilities than other men. He was well +gifted, as he pretended: I need not tell you what secret influence +that has upon the ladies. + +Jack had a most scandalous tongue, and persuaded Peg that all +mankind, besides himself, were plagued by that scarlet-faced woman, +Signiora Bubonia.* "As for his brother, Lord Peter, the tokens were +evident on him -- blotches and scabs. His brother Martin, though he +was not quite so bad, had some nocturnal pains, which his friends +pretended were only scorbutical; but he was sure it proceeded from a +worse cause." By such malicious insinuations he had possessed the +lady that he was the only man in the world of a sound, pure, and +untainted constitution, though there were some that stuck not to say +that Signiora Bubonia and Jack railed at one another only the better +to hide an intrigue, and that Jack had been found with Signiora +under his cloak, carrying her home on a dark stormy night. + +* The Woman of Babylon, or the Pope. + +Jack was a prodigious ogler; he would ogle you the outside of his +eye inward, and the white upward. + +Jack gave himself out for a man of a great estate in the Fortunate +Islands, of which the sole property was vested in his person. By +this trick he cheated abundance of poor people of small sums, +pretending to make over plantations in the said islands; but when +the poor wretches came there with Jack's grant, they were beat, +mocked, and turned out of doors. + +I told you that Peg was whimsical, and loved anything that was +particular. In that way Jack was her man, for he neither thought, +spoke, dressed, nor acted like other mortals. He was for your bold +strokes. He railed at fops, though he was himself the most affected +in the world; instead of the common fashion, he would visit his +mistress in a mourning-cloak, band, short cuffs, and a peaked beard. +He invented a way of coming into a room backwards, which he said +showed more humility and less affectation. Where other people +stood, he sat; where they sat, he stood; when he went to Court, he +used to kick away the state, and sit down by his prince cheek by +jowl. "Confound these states," says he, "they are a modern +invention." When he spoke to his prince, he always turned his back +upon him. If he was advised to fast for his health, he would eat +roast beef; if he was allowed a more plentiful diet, then he would +be sure that day to live upon water-gruel; he would cry at a +wedding, laugh and make jests at a funeral. + +He was no less singular in his opinions. You would have burst your +sides to hear him talk of politics. "All government," says he, "is +founded upon the right distribution of punishments: decent +executions keep the world in awe; for that reason, the majority of +mankind ought to be hanged every year. For example, I suppose the +magistrate ought to pass an irreversible sentence upon all blue-eyed +children from the cradle; but that there may be some show of justice +in this proceeding, these children ought to be trained up by +masters, appointed for that purpose, to all sorts of villany, that +they may deserve their fate, and the execution of them may serve as +an object of terror to the rest of mankind."* As to the giving of +pardons, he had this singular method:** that when these wretches +had the rope about their necks, it should be inquired who believed +they should be hanged, and who not? The first were to be pardoned, +the last hanged outright. Such as were once pardoned were never to +be hanged afterwards for any crime whatsoever. He had such skill in +physiognomy, that he would pronounce peremptorily upon a man's face. +"That fellow," says he, "do what he will, can't avoid hanging; he +has a hanging look." By the same art he would prognosticate a +principality to a scoundrel. + +* Absolute predestination and reprobation. +** Saving Faith: a belief that one shall certainly be saved. + +He was no less particular in the choice of his studies; they were +generally bent towards exploded chimeras*--the perpetuum mobile, the +circular shot, philosopher's stone, silent gunpowder, making chains +for fleas, nets for flies, and instruments to unravel cobwebs and +split hairs. + +* The learning of the Presbyterians. + +Thus, I think, I have given a distinct account of the methods he +practised upon Peg. Her brother would now and then ask her, "What +dost thou see in that pragmatical coxcomb to make thee so in love +with him? He is a fit match for a tailor's or a shoemaker's +daughter, but not for you that are a gentlewoman?" "Fancy is free," +quoth Peg; "I'll take my own way, do you take yours. I do not care +for your flaunting beaus, that gang with their breasts open, and +their sarks over their waistcoats, that accost me with set speeches +out of Sidney's 'Arcadia' or the 'Academy of Compliments.' Jack is +a sober, grave young man; though he has none of your studied +harangues, his meaning is sincere. He has a great regard to his +father's will, and he that shows himself a good son will make a good +husband. Besides, I know he has the original deed of conveyance to +the Fortunate Islands; the others are counterfeits." There is +nothing so obstinate as a young lady in her amours; the more you +cross her, the worse she is. + + + +CHAPTER IV. How the relations reconciled John and his sister Peg, +and what return Peg made to John's message.* + +* The Treaty of Union. Reason of it: the Succession not being +settled in Scotland. Fears for the Presbyterian Church Government, +and of being burdened with the English National Debts. + +John Bull, otherwise a good-natured man, was very hard-hearted to +his sister Peg, chiefly from an aversion he had conceived in his +infancy. While he flourished, kept a warm house, and drove a +plentiful trade, poor Peg was forced to go hawking and peddling +about the streets selling knives, scissors, and shoe-buckles; now +and then carried a basket of fish to the market; sewed, spun, and +knit for a livelihood, till her fingers' ends were sore; and when +she could not get bread for her family, she was forced to hire them +out at journey-work to her neighbours. Yet in these her poor +circumstances she still preserved the air and mien of a gentlewoman- +-a certain decent pride that extorted respect from the haughtiest of +her neighbours. When she came in to any full assembly, she would +not yield the pas to the best of them. If one asked her, "Are not +you related to John Bull?" "Yes," says she, "he has the honour to +be my brother." So Peg's affairs went till all the relations cried +out shame upon John for his barbarous usage of his own flesh and +blood; that it was an easy matter for him to put her in a creditable +way of living, not only without hurt, but with advantage to himself, +seeing she was an industrious person, and might be serviceable to +him in his way of business. "Hang her, jade," quoth John, "I can't +endure her as long as she keeps that rascal Jack's company." They +told him the way to reclaim her was to take her into his house; that +by conversation the childish humours of their younger days might be +worn out. These arguments were enforced by a certain incident. It +happened that John was at that time about making his will* and +entailing his estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is named +executor. Now, his sister Peg's name being in the entail, he could +not make a thorough settlement without her consent. There was, +indeed, a malicious story went about as if John's last wife had +fallen in love with Jack as he was eating custard on horseback;** +that she persuaded John to take his sister into the house the better +to drive on the intrigue with Jack, concluding he would follow his +mistress Peg. All I can infer from this story is that when one has +got a bad character in the world people will report and believe +anything of them, true or false. But to return to my story. When +Peg received John's message she huffed and stormed: "My brother +John," quoth she, "is grown wondrous kind-hearted all of a sudden, +but I meikle doubt whether it be not mair for their own conveniency +than for my good; he draws up his writs and his deeds, forsooth, and +I must set my hand to them, unsight, unseen. I like the young man +he has settled upon well enough, but I think I ought to have a +valuable consideration for my consent. He wants my poor little farm +because it makes a nook in his park-wall. Ye may e'en tell him he +has mair than he makes good use of; he gangs up and down drinking, +roaring, and quarrelling, through all the country markets, making +foolish bargains in his cups, which he repents when he is sober; +like a thriftless wretch, spending the goods and gear that his +forefathers won with the sweat of their brows: light come, light +go, he cares not a farthing. But why should I stand surety for his +contracts? The little I have is free, and I can call it my awn-- +hame's hame, let it be never so hamely. I ken him well enough, he +could never abide me, and when he has his ends he'll e'en use me as +he did before. I'm sure I shall be treated like a poor drudge--I +shall be set to tend the bairns, darn the hose, and mend the linen. +Then there's no living with that old carline his mother; she rails +at Jack, and Jack's an honester man than any of her kin: I shall be +plagued with her spells and her Paternosters, and silly old world +ceremonies; I mun never pare my nails on a Friday, nor begin a +journey on Childermas Day; and I mun stand beeking and binging as I +gang out and into the hall. Tell him he may e'en gang his get; I'll +have nothing to do with him; I'll stay like the poor country mouse, +in my awn habitation." So Peg talked; but for all that, by the +interposition of good friends, and by many a bonny thing that was +sent, and many more that were promised Peg, the matter was +concluded, and Peg taken into the house upon certain articles:*** +one of which was that she might have the freedom of Jack's +conversation, and might take him for better and for worse if she +pleased: provided always he did not come into the house at +unseasonable hours and disturb the rest of the old woman, John's +mother. + +* The Act of Succession. +** A Presbyterian Lord Mayor. +*** The Act of Toleration. + + + +CHAPTER V. Of some Quarrels that happened after Peg was taken into +the Family.* + +*Quarrels about some of the Articles of Union, particularly the +peerage. + +It is an old observation that the quarrels of relations are harder +to reconcile than any other; injuries from friends fret and gall +more, and the memory of them is not so easily obliterated. This is +cunningly represented by one of your old sages called Aesop, in the +story of the bird that was grieved extremely at being wounded with +an arrow feathered with his own wing; as also of the oak that let +many a heavy groan when he was cleft with a wedge of his own timber. + +There was no man in the world less subject to rancour than John +Bull, considering how often his good nature has been abused; yet I +don't know but he was too apt to hearken to tattling people that +carry tales between him and his sister Peg, on purpose to sow +jealousies and set them together by the ears. They say that there +were some hardships put upon Peg which had been better let alone; +but it was the business of good people to restrain the injuries on +one side and moderate the resentments on the other--a good friend +acts both parts, the one without the other will not do. + +The purchase-money of Peg's farm was ill paid;* then Peg loved a +little good liquor, and the servants shut up the wine-cellar; but +for that Peg found a trick, for she made a false key.** Peg's +servants complained that they were debarred from all manner of +business, and never suffered to touch the least thing within the +house; if they offered to come into the warehouse, then straight +went the yard slap over their noddle; if they ventured into the +counting-room a fellow would throw an ink-bottle at their head; if +they came into the best apartment to set anything there in order, +they were saluted with a broom; if they meddled with anything in the +kitchen it was odds but the cook laid them over the pate with a +ladle; one that would have got into the stables was met by two +rascals, who fell to work with him with a brush and a curry-comb; +some climbing up into the coachbox, were told that one of their +companions had been there before that could not drive, then slap +went the long whip about their ears. + +* The equivalent not paid. +** Run wine. + +On the other hand, it was complained that Peg's servants were always +asking for drink-money; that they had more than their share of the +Christmas-box.* To say the truth, Peg's lads bustled pretty hard +for that, for when they were endeavouring to lock it up they got in +their great fists and pulled out handfuls of halfcrowns, shillings, +and sixpences. Others in the scramble picked up guineas and +broad-pieces. But there happened a worse thing than all this: it +was complained that Peg's servants had great stomachs, and brought +so many of their friends and acquaintance to the table that John's +family was like to be eaten out of house and home. Instead of +regulating this matter as it ought to be, Peg's young men were +thrust away from the table; then there was the devil and all to do-- +spoons, plates, and dishes flew about the room like mad, and Sir +Roger, who was now Majordomo, had enough to do to quiet them. Peg +said this was contrary to agreement, whereby she was in all things +to be treated like a child of the family. Then she called upon +those that had made her such fair promises, and undertook for her +brother John's good behaviour; but, alas! to her cost she found that +they were the first and readiest to do her the injury. John at last +agreed to this regulation: that Peg's footmen might sit with his +book-keeper, journeymen, and apprentices, and Peg's better sort of +servants might sit with his footmen if they pleased.** + +* Endeavoured to get their share of places. +** Articles of Union, whereby they could make a Scot's commoner, but +not a lord a peer. + +Then they began to order plum-porridge and minced pies for Peg's +dinner. Peg told them she had an aversion to that sort of food; +that upon forcing down a mess of it some years ago it threw her into +a fit till she brought it up again. Some alleged it was nothing but +humour, that the same mess should be served up again for supper, and +breakfast next morning; others would have made use of a horn, but +the wiser sort bid let her alone, and she might take to it of her +own accord. + + + +CHAPTER VI. The conversation between John Bull and his wife.* + +* The history of the Partition Treaty; suspicions at that time that +the French King intended to take the whole, and that he revealed the +secret to the Court of Spain. + + +MRS. BULL.--Though our affairs, honey, are in a bad condition, I +have a better opinion of them since you seemed to be convinced of +the ill course you have been in, and are resolved to submit to +proper remedies. But when I consider your immense debts, your +foolish bargains, and the general disorder of your business, I have +a curiosity to know what fate or chance has brought you into this +condition. + +JOHN BULL.--I wish you would talk of some other subject, the +thoughts of it makes me mad; our family must have their run. + +MRS. BULL.--But such a strange thing as this never happened to any +of your family before: they have had lawsuits, but, though they +spent the income, they never mortgaged the stock. Sure, you must +have some of the Norman or the Norfolk blood in you. Prithee, give +me some account of these matters. + +JOHN BULL.--Who could help it? There lives not such a fellow by +bread as that old Lewis Baboon: he is the most cheating, +contentious rogue upon the face of the earth. You must know, one +day, as Nic. Frog and I were over a bottle making up an old quarrel, +the old fellow would needs have us drink a bottle of his champagne, +and so one after another, till my friend Nic. and I, not being used +to such heady stuff, got very drunk. Lewis all the while, either by +the strength of his brain or flinching his glass, kept himself sober +as a judge. "My worthy friends," quoth Lewis, "henceforth let us +live neighbourly; I am as peaceable and quiet as a lamb of my own +temper, but it has been my misfortune to live among quarrelsome +neighbours. There is but one thing can make us fall out, and that +is the inheritance of Lord Strutt's estate: I am content, for +peace' sake, to waive my right, and submit to any expedient to +prevent a lawsuit; I think an equal division* will be the fairest +way." "Well moved, Old Lewis," quoth Frog, "and I hope my friend +John here will not be refractory." At the same time he clapped me +on the back, and slabbered me all over from cheek to cheek with his +great tongue. "Do as you please, gentlemen," quoth I, "'tis all one +to John Bull." We agreed to part that night, and next morning to +meet at the corner of Lord Strutt's park wall, with our surveying +instruments, which accordingly we did. Old Lewis carried a chain +and a semicircle; Nic., paper, rulers, and a lead pencil; and I +followed at some distance with a long pole. We began first with +surveying the meadow grounds, afterwards we measured the cornfields, +close by close; then we proceeded to the woodlands, the copper and +tin mines.** All this while Nic. laid down everything exactly upon +paper, calculated the acres and roods to a great nicety. When we +had finished the land, we were going to break into the house and +gardens, to take an inventory of his plate, pictures, and other +furniture. + +* The Partition Treaty. +** The West Indies. + +MRS. BULL.--What said Lord Strutt to all this? + +JOHN BULL.--As we had almost finished our concern, we were accosted +by some of Lord Strutt's servants. "Heyday! what's here? what a +devil's the meaning of all these trangrams and gimcracks, gentlemen? +What in the name of wonder, are you going about, jumping over my +master's hedges, and running your lines cross his grounds? If you +are at any field pastime, you might have asked leave: my master is +a civil well-bred person as any is." + +MRS. BULL.--What could you answer to this? + +JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, my neighbour Frog and I were still hot- +headed; we told him his master was an old doting puppy, that minded +nothing of his own business; that we were surveying his estate, and +settling it for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this +there happened a quarrel, but we being stronger than they, sent them +away with a flea in their ear. They went home and told their +master. "My lord," say they, "there are three odd sort of fellows +going about your grounds with the strangest machines that ever we +beheld in our life: I suppose they are going to rob your orchard, +fell your trees, or drive away your cattle. They told us strange +things of settling your estate--one is a lusty old fellow in a black +wig, with a black beard, without teeth; there's another, thick squat +fellow, in trunk hose; the third is a little, long-nosed, thin man +(I was then lean, being just come out of a fit of sickness)--I +suppose it is fit to send after them, lest they carry something +away?" + +MRS. BULL.--I fancy this put the old fellow in a rare tweague. + +JOHN BULL.--Weak as he was, he called for his long Toledo, swore and +bounced about the room: "'Sdeath! what am I come to, to be +affronted so by my tradesmen? I know the rascals: my barber, +clothier, and linen-draper dispose of my estate! Bring hither my +blunderbuss; I'll warrant ye you shall see daylight through them. +Scoundrels! dogs! the scum of the earth! Frog, that was my father's +kitchen-boy, he pretend to meddle with my estate--with my will! Ah, +poor Strutt! what are thou come to at last? Thou hast lived too +long in the world, to see thy age and infirmity so despised! How +will the ghosts of my noble ancestors receive these tidings?--they +cannot, they must not sleep quietly in their graves." In short, the +old gentleman was carried off in a fainting fit, and after bleeding +in both arms hardly recovered. + +MRS. BULL.--Really this was a very extraordinary way of proceeding! +I long to hear the rest of it. + +JOHN BULL.--After we had come back to the tavern, and taken t'other +bottle of champagne, we quarrelled a little about the division of +the estate. Lewis hauled and pulled the map on one side and Frog +and I on t'other, till we had like to have tore the parchment to +pieces. At last Lewis pulled out a pair of great tailor's shears +and clipt a corner for himself, which he said was a manor that lay +convenient for him, and left Frog and me the rest to dispose of as +we pleased. We were overjoyed to think Lewis was contented with so +little, not smelling what was at the bottom of the plot. There +happened, indeed, an incident that gave us some disturbance. A +cunning fellow, one of my servants, two days after, peeping through +the keyhole, observed that old Lewis had stole away our part of the +map, and saw him fiddling and turning the map from one corner to the +other, trying to join the two pieces together again. He was +muttering something to himself, which he did not well hear, only +these words, "'Tis great pity! 'tis great pity!" My servant added +that he believed this had some ill meaning. I told him he was a +coxcomb, always pretending to be wiser than his companions. Lewis +and I are good friends, he's an honest fellow, and I daresay will +stand to his bargain. The sequel of the story proved this fellow's +suspicion to be too well grounded; for Lewis revealed our whole +secret to the deceased Lord Strutt, who in reward for his treachery, +and revenge to Frog and me, settled his whole estate upon the +present Philip Baboon. Then we understood what he meant by piecing +the map together. + +MRS. BULL.--And were you surprised at this? Had not Lord Strutt +reason to be angry? Would you have been contented to have been so +used yourself? + +JOHN BULL.--Why, truly, wife, it was not easily reconciled to the +common methods; but then it was the fashion to do such things. I +have read of your golden age, your silver age, etc.; one might +justly call this the age of the lawyers. There was hardly a man of +substance in all the country but had a counterfeit that pretended to +his estate.* As the philosophers say that there is a duplicate of +every terrestrial animal at sea, so it was in this age of the +lawyers: there were at least two of everything; nay, o' my +conscience, I think there were three Esquire Hackums** at one time. +In short, it was usual for a parcel of fellows to meet and dispose +of the whole estates in the country. "This lies convenient for me, +Tom. Thou wouldst do more good with that, Dick, than the old fellow +that has it." So to law they went with the true owners: the +lawyers got well by it; everybody else was undone. It was a common +thing for an honest man when he came home at night to find another +fellow domineering in his family, hectoring his servants, and +calling for supper. In every house you might observe two Sosias +quarrelling who was master. For my own part, I am still afraid of +the same treatment: that I should find somebody behind my counter +selling my broad-cloth. + +* Several Pretenders at that time. +** Kings of England. + +MRS. BULL.--There is a sort of fellows they call banterers and +bamboozlers that play such tricks, but it seems these fellows were +in earnest. + +JOHN BULL.--I begin to think that justice is a better rule than +conveniency, for all some people make so slight on it. + + + +CHAPTER VII. Of the hard shifts Mrs. Bull was put to preserve the +Manor of Bullock's Hatch, with Sir Roger's method to keep off +importunate duns.* + +* Some attempts to destroy the public credit at that time. Manners +of the Earl of Oxford. + +As John Bull and his wife were talking together they were surprised +with a sudden knocking at the door. "Those wicked scriveners and +lawyers, no doubt," quoth John; and so it was, some asking for the +money he owed, and others warning to prepare for the approaching +term. "What a cursed life do I lead!" quoth John; "debt is like +deadly sin. For God's sake, Sir Roger, get me rid of the fellows." +"I'll warrant you," quoth Sir Roger; "leave them to me." And, +indeed, it was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's method with +these importunate duns. His sincere friendship for John Bull made +him submit to many things for his service which he would have +scorned to have done for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the +door with his long staff to keep off the duns, until John got out at +the back door. When the lawyers and tradesmen brought extravagant +bills Sir Roger used to bargain beforehand for leave to cut off a +quarter of a yard in any part of the bill he pleased; he wore a pair +of scissors in his pocket for this purpose, and would snip it off so +nicely as you cannot imagine. Like a true goldsmith he kept all +your holidays; there was not one wanting in his calendar; when ready +money was scarce, he would set them a-telling a thousand pounds in +sixpences, groats, and threepenny-pieces. It would have done your +heart good to have seen him charge through an army of lawyers, +attorneys, clerks, and tradesmen; sometimes with sword in hand, at +other times nuzzling like an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck +like a bur, that there was no shaking him off, he used to be mighty +inquisitive about the health of his uncles and aunts in the country; +he could call them all by their names, for he knew everybody, and +could talk to them in their own way. The extremely impertinent he +would send away to see some strange sight, as the Dragon of Hockley +the Hole, or bid him call the 3Oth of next February. Now and then +you would see him in the kitchen, weighing the beef and butter, +paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick at the +market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, sell damaged and light +meat.* Another time he would slip into the cellar and gauge the +casks. In his leisure minutes he was posting his books and +gathering in his debts. Such frugal methods were necessary where +money was so scarce and duns so numerous. All this while John kept +his credit, could show his head both at 'Change and Westminster +Hall; no man protested his bill nor refused his bond; only the +sharpers and the scriveners, the lawyers and other clerks pelted Sir +Roger as he went along. The squirters were at it with their kennel +water, for they were mad for the loss of their bubble, and that they +could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch. Sir +Roger shook his ears and nuzzled along, well satisfied within +himself that he was doing a charitable work in rescuing an honest +man from the claws of harpies and bloodsuckers. Mrs. Bull did all +that an affectionate wife, and a good housewife, could do; yet the +boundaries of virtues are indivisible lines. It is impossible to +march up close to the frontiers of frugality without entering the +territories of parsimony. Your good housewives are apt to look into +the minutest things; therefore some blamed Mrs. Bull for new +heel-pieceing of her shoes, grudging a quarter of a pound of soap +and sand to scour the rooms**; but, especially, that she would not +allow her maids and apprentices the benefit of "John Bunyan," the +"London Apprentices," or the "Seven Champions," in the black +letter.*** + +* Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's family. +** Too great savings in the House of Commons. +*** Restraining the liberty of the Press by Act of Parliament. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. A continuation of the conversation betwixt John Bull +and his wife. + +MRS. BULL.--It is a most sad life we lead, my dear, to be so teazed, +paying interest for old debts, and still contracting new ones. +However, I don't blame you for vindicating your honour and +chastising old Lewis. To curb the insolent, protect the oppressed, +recover one's own, and defend what one has, are good effects of the +law. The only thing I want to know is how you came to make an end +of your money before you finished your suit. + +JOHN BULL.--I was told by the learned in the law that my suit stood +upon three firm pillars: more money for more law, more law for more +money, and no composition. More money for more law was plain to a +demonstration, for who can go to law without money? and it was plain +that any man that has money may have law for it. The third was as +evident as the other two; for what composition could be made with a +rogue that never kept a word he said? + +MRS. BULL.--I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth +by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious +commodity. But you seem not only to have bought too much of it, but +have paid too dear for what you bought, else how was it possible to +run so much in debt when at this very time the yearly income of what +is mortgaged to those usurers would discharge Hocus's bills, and +give you your bellyfull of law for all your life, without running +one sixpence in debt? You have been bred up to business; I suppose +you can cypher; I wonder you never used your pen and ink. + +JOHN BULL.--Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wife, hold thy +tongue. Suppose a young heir, heedless, raw, and inexperienced, +full of spirit and vigour, with a favourite passion, in the hands of +money scriveners. Such fellows are like your wire-drawing mills: +if they get hold of a man's finger they will pull in his whole body +at last, till they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him. +When I wanted money, half a dozen of these fellows were always +waiting in my ante-chamber with their securities ready drawn.* I +was tempted with the ready, some farm or other went to pot. I +received with one hand, and paid it away with the other to lawyers +that, like so many hell hounds, were ready to devour me. Then the +rogues would plead poverty and scarcity of money, which always ended +in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got possession +of my best rents they were able to supply me with my own money. +But, what was worse, when I looked into the securities there was no +clause of redemption. + +* Methods of preying upon the necessities of the Government. + +MRS. BULL.--No clause of redemption, say you? That's hard. + +JOHN BULL.--No great matter. For I cannot pay them. They had got a +worse trick than that. The same man bought and sold to himself, +paid the money, and gave the acquittance; the same man was butcher +and grazier, brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is +something still worse than all this. There came twenty bills upon +me at once, which I had given money to discharge. I was like to be +pulled to pieces by brewer, butcher, and baker; even my herb-woman +dunned me as I went along the streets. Thanks to my friend Sir +Roger, else I must have gone to jail. When I asked the meaning of +this, I was told the money went to the lawyers. "Counsel won't +tick, sir." Hocus was urging; my book-keeper sat sotting all day, +playing at Put and All-fours. In short, by griping usurers, +devouring lawyers, and negligent servants I am brought to this pass. + +MRS. BULL.--This was hard usage. But methinks the least reflection +might have retrieved you. + +JOHN BULL.--'Tis true; yet consider my circumstances--my honour was +engaged, and I did not know how to get out. Besides, I was for five +years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to +tavern, to ale-houses and brandy-shops, and brought me acquainted +with such strange dogs. "There goes the prettiest fellow in the +world," says one, "for managing a jury: make him yours. There's +another can pick you up witnesses. Serjeant such-a-one has a silver +tongue at the bar."* I believe, in time I should have retained +every single person within the Inns of Court. The night after a +trial I treated the lawyers, their wives, and daughters, with +fiddles, hautboys, drums, and trumpets. I was always hot-headed. +Then they placed me in the middle, the attorneys and their clerks +dancing about me, whooping and holloing, "Long live John Bull, the +glory and support of the law!" + +* Hiring still more troops. + +MRS. BULL.--Really, husband, you went through a very notable course. + +JOHN BULL.--One of the things that first alarmed me was that they +showed a spite against my poor old mother.* "Lord," quoth I, "what +makes you so jealous of a poor, old, innocent gentlewoman, that +minds only her prayers and her Practice of Piety? She never meddles +in any of your concerns." "Fob," say they, "to see a handsome, +brisk, genteel young fellow so much governed by a doting old woman! +Do you consider she keeps you out of a good jointure? She has the +best of your estate settled upon her for a rent-charge. Hang her, +old thief! turn her out of doors, seize her lands, and let her go to +law if she dares." "Soft and fair, gentlemen," quoth I; "my +mother's my mother, our family are not of an unnatural temper. +Though I don't take all her advice, I won't seize her jointure; long +may she enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her. She allows me +now and then a brace of hundreds for my lawsuit; that's pretty +fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort +of a distemper.** + +* Railing against the Church. +** Carelessness in forms and discipline. + +It began with a coldness and numbness in her limbs, which by degrees +affected the nerves (I think the physicians call them), seized the +brain, and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first +in a sort of indifference and carelessness in all her actions, +coldness to her best friends, and an aversion to stir or go about +the common offices of life. She, that was the cleanliest creature +in the world, never shrank now if you set a close-stool under her +nose. She that would sometimes rattle off her servants pretty +sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk profanely, +never took any notice of it. Instead of her usual charities to +deserving persons, she threw away her money upon roaring, swearing +bullies and beggars, that went about the streets.* "What is the +matter with the old gentlewoman?" said everybody; "she never used to +do in this manner." At last the distemper grew more violent, and +threw her downright into raving fits, in which she shrieked out so +loud that she disturbed the whole neighbourhood.** In her fits she +called upon one Sir William.*** "Oh! Sir William, thou hast +betrayed me, killed me, stabbed me! See, see! Clum with his bloody +knife! Seize him! seize him! stop him! Behold the fury with her +hissing snakes! Where's my son John? Is he well, is he well? Poor +man! I pity him!" And abundance more of such strange stuff, that +nobody could make anything of. + +* Disposing of some preferments to libertine and unprincipled +persons. +** The too violent clamour about the danger of the Church. +*** Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphry's for Lord Treasurer +Godolphin. + +I knew little of the matter; for when I inquired about her health, +the answer was that she was in a good moderate way. Physicians were +sent for in haste. Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought +Ratcliff; Garth came upon the first message. There were several +others called in, but, as usual upon such occasions, they differed +strangely at the consultation. At last they divided into two +parties; one sided with Garth, the other with Ratcliff.* Dr. Garth +said, "This case seems to me to be plainly hysterical; the old woman +is whimsical; it is a common thing for your old women to be so; I'll +pawn my life, blisters, with the steel diet, will recover her." +Others suggested strong purging and letting of blood, because she +was plethoric. Some went so far as to say the old woman was mad, +and nothing would be better than a little corporal correction. +Ratcliff said, "Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this case; it is +plainly an acute distemper, and she cannot hold out three days +unless she is supported with strong cordials." I came into the room +with a good deal of concern, and asked them what they thought of my +mother? "In no manner of danger, I vow to God," quoth Garth; "the +old woman is hysterical, fanciful, sir, I vow to God." "I tell you, +sir," says Ratcliff, "she cannot live three days to an end, unless +there is some very effectual course taken with her; she has a +malignant fever." Then "fool," "puppy," and "blockhead," were the +best words they gave. I could hardly restrain them from throwing +the ink-bottles at one another's heads. I forgot to tell you that +one party of the physicians desired I would take my sister Peg into +the house to nurse her, but the old gentlewoman would not hear of +that. At last one physician asked if the lady had ever been used to +take laudanum? Her maid answered, not that she knew; but, indeed, +there was a High German liveryman of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,** +that gave her a sort of a quack powder. The physician desired to +see it. "Nay," says he, "there is opium in this, I am sure." + +* Garth, the Low Church party. Ratcliff, High Church party. +** Van Ptschirnsooker, a bishop at that time, a great dealer in +politics and physic. + +MRS. BULL.--I hope you examined a little into this matter? + +JOHN BULL.--I did, indeed, and discovered a great mystery of +iniquity. The witnesses made oath that they had heard some of the +liverymen* frequently railing at their mistress. They said she was +a troublesome fiddle-faddle old woman, and so ceremonious that there +was no bearing of her. They were so plagued with bowing and +cringing as they went in and out of the room that their backs ached. +She used to scold at one for his dirty shoes, at another for his +greasy hair and not combing his head. Then she was so passionate +and fiery in her temper that there was no living with her. She +wanted something to sweeten her blood. That they never had a quiet +night's rest for getting up in the morning to early Sacraments. +They wished they could find some way or another to keep the old +woman quiet in her bed. Such discourses were often overheard among +the liverymen, while the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this +matter. A maid made affidavit "That she had seen the said Van +Ptschirnsooker, one of the liverymen, frequently making up of +medicines and administering them to all the neighbours; that she saw +him one morning make up the powder which her mistress took; that she +had the curiosity to ask him whence he had the ingredients. 'They +come,' says he, 'from several parts of de world. Dis I have from +Geneva, dat from Rome, this white powder from Amsterdam, and the red +from Edinburgh, but the chief ingredient of all comes from Turkey." +It was likewise proved that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been +frequently seen at the "Rose" with Jack, who was known to bear an +inveterate spite to his mistress. That he brought a certain powder +to his mistress which the examinant believes to be the same, and +spoke the following words:--"Madam, here is grand secret van de +world, my sweetening powder; it does temperate de humour, dispel the +windt, and cure de vapour; it lulleth and quieteth the animal +spirits, procuring rest and pleasant dreams. It is de infallible +receipt for de scurvy, all heats in de bloodt, and breaking out upon +de skin. It is de true bloodstancher, stopping all fluxes of de +blood. If you do take dis, you will never ail anyding; it will cure +you of all diseases." And abundance more to this purpose, which the +examinant does not remember. + +* The clergy. + +John Bull was interrupted in his story by a porter, that brought him +a letter from Nicholas Frog, which is as follows. + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +A Copy* of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull. + +[John Bull reads.] + +FRIEND JOHN,--What schellum is it that makes thee jealous of thy old +friend Nicholas? Hast thou forgot how some years ago he took thee +out of the sponging-house?** ['Tis true, my friend Nic. did so, and +I thank him; but he made me pay a swinging reckoning.] Thou +beginnest now to repent thy bargain that thou wast so fond of; and, +if thou durst, would forswear thy own hand and seal. Thou sayest +that thou hast purchased me too great an estate already, when, at +the same time, thou knowest I have only a mortgage. 'Tis true I +have possession, and the tenants own me for master; but has not +Esquire South the equity of redemption? [No doubt, and will redeem +it very speedily; poor Nic. has only possession--eleven points of +the law.] As for the turnpikes*** I have set up, they are for other +people, not for my friend John. I have ordered my servant +constantly to attend, to let thy carriages through without paying +anything; only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden to spoil my +ways. Certainly I have just cause of offence against thee, my +friend, for supposing it possible that thou and I should ever +quarrel. What houndsfoot is it that puts these whims in thy head? +Ten thousand last of devils haul me, if I don't love thee as I love +my life. [No question, as the Devil loves holy-water!] Does not +thy own hand and seal oblige thee to purchase for me till I say it +is enough? Are not these words plain? I say it is not enough. +Dost thou think thy friend Nicholas Frog made a child's bargain? +Mark the words of thy contract, tota pecunia (with all thy money). +[Very well! I have purchased with my own money, my children's and my +grandchildren's money--is not that enough? Well, tota pecunia let +it be, for at present I have none at all; he would not have me +purchase with other people's money, sure? Since tota pecunia is the +bargain, I think it is plain--no more money, no more purchase.] And +whatever the world may say, Nicholas Frog is but a poor man in +comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull, great clothier of the +world. I have had many losses, six of my best sheep were drowned, +and the water has come into my cellar, and spoiled a pipe of my best +brandy. It would be a more friendly act in thee to carry a brief +about the country to repair the losses of thy poor friend. Is it +not evident to all the world that I am still hemmed in by Lewis +Baboon? Is he not just upon my borders? [And so he will be if I +purchase a thousand acres more, unless he gets somebody betwixt +them.] I tell thee, friend John, thou hast flatterers that persuade +thee that thou art a man of business; do not believe them. If thou +wouldst still leave thy affairs in my hands, thou shouldst see how +handsomely I would deal by thee. That ever thou shouldst be dazzled +with the enchanted islands and mountains of gold that old Lewis +promises thee! 'Dswounds! why dost thou not lay out thy money to +purchase a place at court of honest Israel? I tell thee, thou must +not so much as think of a composition. [Not think of a composition; +that's hard indeed; I can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou +complainest of want of money--let thy wife and daughters burn the +gold lace of their petticoats; sell thy fat cattle; retrench but a +sirloin of beef and a peck-loaf in a week from thy gormandising. +[Retrench my beef--a dog! Retrench my beef; then it is plain the +rascal has an ill design upon me--he would starve me.] Mortgage thy +manor of Bullock's Hatch, or pawn thy crop for ten years. [A rogue! +part with my country-seat, my patrimony, all that I have left in the +world; I'll see him hanged first.] Why hast thou changed thy +attorney? Can any man manage thy cause better for thee? [Very +pleasant! because a man has a good attorney, he must never make an +end of his law-suit.] Ah, John! John! I wish thou knewest thine own +mind. Thou art as fickle as the wind. I tell thee, thou hadst +better let this composition alone, or leave it to thy + Loving friend, + Nic. FROG. + +* A letter from the States-General. +** Alluding to the Rebellion. +*** The Dutch prohibition of trade. + + + +CHAPTER X. Of some extraordinary Things* that passed at the +"Salutation" Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog, Esquire +South, and Lewis Baboon. + +* The Treaty of Utrecht: the difficulty to get them to meet. When +met, the Dutch would not speak their sentiments, nor the French +deliver in their proposals. The House of Austria talked very high. + +Frog had given his word that he would meet the above-mentioned +company at the "Salutation," to talk of this agreement. Though he +durst not directly break his appointment, he made many a shuffling +excuse: one time he pretended to be seized with the gout in his +right knee; then he got a great cold, that had struck him deaf of +one ear; afterwards two of his coach-horses fell sick, and he durst +not go by water, for fear of catching an ague. John would take no +excuse, but hurried him away. "Come, Nic.," says he, "let's go and +hear at least what this old fellow has to propose; I hope there's no +hurt in that." "Be it so," quoth Nic.; "but if I catch any harm, +woe be to you; my wife and children will curse you as long as they +live." When they were come to the "Salutation," John concluded all +was sure then, and that he should be troubled no more with law +affairs. He thought everybody as plain and sincere as he was. +"Well, neighbours," quoth he, "let's now make an end of all matters, +and live peaceably together for the time to come. If everybody is +as well inclined as I, we shall quickly come to the upshot of our +affair." And so, pointing to Frog to say something, to the great +surprise of all the company, Frog was seized with a dead palsy in +the tongue. John began to ask him some plain questions, and whooped +and hallooed in his ear: "Let's come to the point. Nic., who +wouldst thou have to be Lord Strutt? Wouldst thou have Philip +Baboon?" Nic. shook his head, and said nothing. "Wilt thou, then, +have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt?" Nic. shook his head a second +time. "Then who the devil wilt thou have? Say something or +another." Nic. opened his mouth and pointed to his tongue, and +cried, "A, a, a, a!" which was as much as to say he could not speak. + +JOHN BULL.--"Shall I serve Philip Baboon with broadcloth, and accept +of the composition that he offers, with the liberty of his parks and +fishponds?" Then Nic. roared like a bull, "O, o, o, o!" + +JOHN BULL.--"If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take them +thyself?" Then Nic. grinned, cackled, and laughed, till he was +like to kill himself, and seemed to be so pleased that he fell a +frisking and dancing about the room. + +JOHN BULL.--"Shall I leave all this matter to thy management, Nic., +and go about my business?" Then Nic. got up a glass and drank to +John, shaking him by the hand till he had like to have shook his +shoulder out of joint. + +JOHN BULL.--"I understand thee, Nic.; but I shall make thee speak +before I go." Then Nic. put his finger in his cheek and made it cry +"buck!" which was as much as to say, "I care not a farthing for +thee." + +JOHN BULL.--"I have done, Nic.; if thou wilt not speak, I'll make my +own terms with old Lewis here." + +John, perceiving that Frog would not speak, turns to old Lewis: +"Since we cannot make this obstinate fellow speak, Lewis, pray +condescend a little to his humour, and set down thy meaning upon +paper, that he may answer it in another scrap." + +"I am infinitely sorry," quoth Lewis, "that it happens so +unfortunately; for, playing a little at cudgels t'other day, a +fellow has given me such a rap over the right arm that I am quite +lame. I have lost the use of my forefinger and my thumb, so that I +cannot hold my pen." + +JOHN BULL.--"That's all one; let me write for you." + +LEWIS.--"But I have a misfortune that I cannot read anybody's hand +but my own." + +JOHN BULL.--"Try what you can do with your left hand." + +LEWIS.--"That's impossible; it will make such a scrawl that it will +not be legible." + +As they were talking of this matter, in came Esquire South, all +dressed up in feathers and ribbons, stark staring mad, brandishing +his sword, as if he would have cut off their heads, crying "Room, +room, boys, for the grand esquire of the world! the flower of +esquires! What! covered in my presence? I'll crush your souls, and +crack you like lice!" With that he had like to have struck John +Bull's hat into the fire; but John, who was pretty strong-fisted, +gave him such a squeeze as made his eyes water. He went on still in +his mad pranks: "When I am lord of the universe, the sun shall +prostrate and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my bailiff; Lewis my +tailor; and thou, John Bull, shalt be my fool!" + +All this while Frog laughed in his sleeve, gave the esquire the +other noggan of brandy, and clapped him on the back, which made him +ten times madder. + +Poor John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: "Well, John, +thou art got into rare company! One has a dumb devil, the other a +mad devil, and the third a spirit of infirmity. An honest man has a +fine time on it amongst such rogues. What art thou asking of them +after all? Some mighty boon one would think! only to sit quietly at +thy own fireside. What have I to do with such fellows? John Bull, +after all his losses and crosses, can live better without them than +they can without him. Would I lived a thousand leagues off them! +but the devil's in it; John Bull is in, and John Bull must get out +as well as he can." + +As he was talking to himself, he observed Frog and old Lewis edging +towards one another to whisper,* so that John was forced to sit with +his arms akimbo, to keep them asunder. + +* Some attempts of secret negotiation between the French and the +Dutch. + +Some people advised John to bleed Frog under the tongue, or take +away his bread-and-butter, which would certainly make him speak; to +give Esquire South hellebore; as for Lewis, some were for emollient +poultices, others for opening his arm with an incision knife. + + + +CHAPTER XI.* The apprehending, examination, and imprisonment of +Jack for suspicion of poisoning. + +* The four following chapters contain the history of passing the +Bill against Occasional Conformity, and of the Whigs agreeing to it. + +The attentive reader cannot have forgot that the story of Van +Ptschirnsooker's powder was interrupted by a message from Frog. I +have a natural compassion for curiosity, being much troubled with +the distemper myself; therefore to gratify that uneasy itching +sensation in my reader, I have procured the following account of +that matter. + +Van Ptschirnsooker came off (as rogues usually do upon such +occasions) by peaching his partner; and being extremely forward to +bring him to the gallows, Jack* was accused as the contriver of all +the roguery. And, indeed, it happened unfortunately for the poor +fellow, that he was known to bear a most inveterate spite against +the old gentlewoman; and, consequently, that never any ill accident +happened to her but he was suspected to be at the bottom of it. If +she pricked her finger, Jack, to be sure, laid the pin in the way; +if some noise in the street disturbed her rest, who could it be but +Jack in some of his nocturnal rambles? If a servant ran away, Jack +had debauched him. Every idle tittle-tattle that went about, Jack +was always suspected for the author of it. However, all was nothing +to this last affair of the temperating, moderating powder. + +* All the misfortunes of the Church charged upon the Puritan party. + +The hue and cry went after Jack to apprehend him dead or alive, +wherever he could be found. The constables looked out for him in +all his usual haunts; but to no purpose. Where d'ye think they +found him at last? Even smoking his pipe, very quietly, at his +brother Martin's; from whence he was carried with a vast mob at his +heels, before the worshipful Mr. Justice Overdo. Several of his +neighbours made oath,* that of late, the prisoner had been observed +to lead a very dissolute life, renouncing even his usual hypocrisy +and pretences to sobriety; that he frequented taverns and +eating-houses, and had been often guilty of drunkenness and gluttony +at my Lord Mayor's table; that he had been seen in the company of +lewd women; that he had transferred his usual care of the engrossed +copy of his father's will to bank bills, orders for tallies, and +debentures:** these he now affirmed, with more literal truth, to be +meat, drink, and cloth, the philosopher's stone, and the universal +medicine;*** that he was so far from showing his customary reverence +to the will, that he kept company with those that called his father +a cheating rogue, and his will a forgery; that he not only sat +quietly and heard his father railed at, but often chimed in with the +discourse, and hugged the authors as his bosom friends;**** that +instead of asking for blows at the corners of the streets, he now +bestowed them as plentifully as he begged them before.*** In short, +that he was grown a mere rake; and had nothing left in him of old +Jack except his spite to John Bull's mother. + +* The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former +strictness. +** Dealing much in stock-jobbing. +*** "Tale of a Tub." +**** Herding with deists and atheists. + +Another witness made oath, that Jack had been overheard bragging of +a trick* he had found out to manage the "old formal jade," as he +used to call her. "Hang this numb-skull of mine," quoth he, "that I +could not light on it sooner. As long as I go in this ragged +tattered coat, I am so well known, that I am hunted away from the +old woman's door by every barking cur about the house; they bid me +defiance. There's no doing mischief as an open enemy; I must find +some way or other of getting within doors, and then I shall have +better opportunities of playing my pranks, besides the benefit of +good keeping." + +* Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional +conformity. + +Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their +mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the +name of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to +be the very prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the +features of his countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken +into the family, clapped their mistress's livery over his own +tattered coat; that the said Timothy was extremely officious about +their mistress's person, endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing +to set her against the rest of the servants: nobody was so ready to +fetch anything that was wanted, to reach what was dropped. That he +used to shove and elbow his fellow-servants to get near his +mistress, especially when money was a paying or receiving--then he +was never out of the way; that he was extremely diligent about +everybody's business but his own. That the said Timothy, while he +was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks; when his +mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make +mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin, +ridiculing her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked +about, he put on a grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a +fit of devotion; that he used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly +that you could not hear him tread, and put all things out of order; +that he would pinch the children and servants, when he met them in +the dark, so hard, that he left the print of his forefingers and his +thumb in black and blue, and then slink into a corner, as if nobody +had done it. Out of the same malicious design he used to lay chairs +and joint-stools in their way, that they might break their noses by +falling over them. The more young and inexperienced he used to +teach to talk saucily, and call names. During his stay in the +family there was much plate missing; being caught with a couple of +silver spoons in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off, he +said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended: +that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants, for his +ill-conditioned, splenetic tricks, but especially for his slanderous +tongue; traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves: +that the said Timothy, by lying stories, used to set all the family +together by the ears, taking delight to make them fight and quarrel; +**particularly one day sitting at table, he spoke words to this +effect: "I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little short fellows, +such as we are, have better hearts, and could beat the tall fellows; +I wish it came to a fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as +sightly as they are, should find their jackets well thwacked." + +* Betraying the interests of the Church when got into preferments. +** The original of the distinction in the names of Low Churchmen and +High Churchmen. + +A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the +discourse, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men +and the low men, which continues still a faction in the family, to +the great disorder of our mistress's affairs. The said Timothy +carried this frolic so far, that he proposed to his mistress that +she should entertain no servant that was above four feet seven +inches high, and for that purpose had prepared a gauge, by which +they were to be measured. The good old gentlewoman was not so +simple as to go into his projects--she began to smell a rat. "This +Trim," quoth she, "is an odd sort of a fellow; methinks he makes a +strange figure with that ragged, tattered coat appearing under his +livery; can't he go spruce and clean, like the rest of the servants? +The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't like by any +means; besides, he has such a twang in his discourse, and an +ungraceful way of speaking through the nose, that one can hardly +understand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad +disease." The witnesses further made oath, that the said Timothy +lay out a-nights, and went abroad often at unseasonable hours; and +it was credibly reported he did business in another family: that he +pretended to have a squeamish stomach, and could not eat at table +with the rest of the servants, though this was but a pretence to +provide some nice bit for himself; that he refused to dine upon salt +fish, only to have an opportunity to eat a calf's head (his +favourite dish) in private; that for all his tender stomach, when he +was got by himself, he could devour capons, turkeys, and sirloins of +beef, like a cormorant. + +Two other witnesses gave the following evidence: That in his +officious attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to slip a +powder into her drink, and that he was once caught endeavouring to +stifle her with a pillow as she was asleep; that he and +Ptschirnsooker were often in close conference, and that they used to +drink together at the "Rose," where it seems he was well enough +known by his true name of Jack. + +The prisoner had little to say in his defence; he endeavoured to +prove himself alibi, so that the trial turned upon this single +question, whether the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same +person; which was proved by such plain tokens, and particularly by a +mole under the left pap, that there was no withstanding the +evidence; therefore the worshipful Mr. Justice committed him, in +order to his trial. + + + +CHAPTER XII. How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison, and +what advice they gave him. + +Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor, simple, +well-meaning, half-witted, crack-brained fellow. People were +strangely surprised to find him in such a roguery--that he should +disguise himself under a false name, hire himself out for a servant +to an old gentlewoman, only for an opportunity to poison her. They +said that it was more generous to profess open enmity than under a +profound dissimulation to be guilty of such a scandalous breach of +trust, and of the sacred rights of hospitality; in short, the action +was universally condemned by his best friends. They told him in +plain terms that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose +life, his gluttony, drunkenness, and avarice; for laying aside his +father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning stock-jobber, +newsmonger, and busybody, meddling with other people's affairs, +shaking off his old serious friends, and keeping company with +buffoons and pickpockets, his father's sworn enemies; that he had +best throw himself upon the mercy of the court, repent, and change +his manners. To say truth, Jack heard these discourses with some +compunction; however, he resolved to try what his new acquaintance +would do for him. They sent Habakkuk Slyboots,* who delivered him +the following message, as the peremptory commands of his trusty +companions:-- + +* Habakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who persuaded the +Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity as +being for their interest. + +HABAKKUK.--Dear Jack, I am sorry for thy misfortune: matters have +not been carried on with due secrecy; however, we must make the best +of a bad bargain. Thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that's certain; +hang, draw, and quarter, are the gentlest things they talk of. +However, thy faithful friends, ever watchful for thy security, bid +me tell thee that they have one infallible expedient left to save +thy life. Thou must know we have got into some understanding with +the enemy by the means of Don Diego;* he assures us there is no +mercy for thee, and that there is only one way left to escape. It +is, indeed, somewhat out of the common road; however, be assured it +is the result of most mature deliberation. + +* A noble Tory lord. + +JACK.--Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is sunk down in the +very bottom of my belly. + +HAB.--It is the unanimous opinion of your friends that you make as +if you hanged yourself;* they will give it out that you are quite +dead, and convey your body out of prison in a bier; and John Bull, +being busied with his lawsuit, will not inquire further into the +matter. + +* Consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity. + +JACK.--How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myself? + +HAB.--Nay, you must really hang yourself up in a true genuine rope, +that there may appear no trick in it, and leave the rest to your +friends. + +JACK.--Truly this is a matter of some concern, and my friends, I +hope, won't take it ill if I inquire a little into the means by +which they intend to deliver me. A rope and a noose are no jesting +matters! + +HAB.--Why so mistrustful? hast thou ever found us false to thee? I +tell thee there is one ready to cut thee down. + +JACK.--May I presume to ask who it is that is entrusted with so +important an office? + +HAB.--Is there no end of thy hows and thy whys? That's a secret. + +JACK.--A secret, perhaps, that I may be safely trusted with, for I +am not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly it is no strange +thing for a man before he hangs himself up to inquire who is to cut +him down. + +HAB.--Thou suspicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell +thee it is Sir Roger;* he has been in tears ever since thy +misfortune. Don Diego and we have laid it so that he is to be in +the next room, and before the rope is well about thy neck, rest +satisfied he will break in and cut thee down. Fear not, old boy; +we'll do it, I'll warrant thee. + +* It was given out that the Earl of Oxford would oppose the +occasional Bill, and so lose his credit with the Tories; and the +Dissenters did believe he would not suffer it to pass. + +JACK.--So I must hang myself up upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut +me down, and all this upon the credit of Don Diego. A fine +stratagem, indeed, to save my life, that depends upon hanging, Don +Diego, and Sir Roger! + +HAB.--I tell thee there is a mystery in all this, my friend, a piece +of profound policy; if thou knew what good this will do to the +common cause, thy heart would leap for joy. I am sure thou wouldst +not delay the experiment one moment. + +JACK.--This is to the tune of "All for the better." What's your +cause to me when I am hanged? + +HAB.--Refractory mortal! if thou wilt not trust thy friends, take +what follows. Know assuredly, before next full moon, that thou wilt +be hung up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the most +conspicuous places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will +he contented with hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the +wheel, and thou choosest that before a gentle suspending of thyself +for one minute. Hanging is not so painful a thing as thou +imaginest. I have spoken with several that have undergone it; they +all agree it is no manner of uneasiness. Be sure thou take good +notice of the symptoms; the relation will be curious. It is but a +kick or two with thy heels, and a wry mouth or so: Sir Roger will +be with thee in the twinkling of an eye. + +JACK.--But what if Sir Roger should not come; will my friends be +there to succour me? + +HAB.--Doubt it not; I will provide everything against to-morrow +morning: do thou keep thy own secret--say nothing. I tell thee it +is absolutely necessary for the common good that thou shouldst go +through this operation. + + + +CHAPTER XIII. How Jack hanged himself up by the persuasion of his +friends, who broke their words, and left his neck in the noose. + +Jack was a professed enemy to implicit faith, and yet I dare say it +was never more strongly exerted nor more basely abused than upon +this occasion. He was now, with his old friends, in the state of a +poor disbanded officer after a peace, or rather a wounded soldier +after a battle; like an old favourite of a cunning Minister after +the job is over, or a decayed beauty to a cloyed lover in quest of +new game, or like a hundred such things that one sees every day. +There were new intrigues, new views, new projects, on foot. Jack's +life was the purchase of Diego's friendship; much good may it do +them. The interest of Hocus and Sir William Crawley which was now +more at heart, made this operation upon poor Jack absolutely +necessary. You may easily guess that his rest that night was but +small, and much disturbed; however, the remaining part of his time +he did not employ (as his custom was formerly) in prayer, +meditation, or singing a double verse of a Psalm, but amused himself +with disposing of his bank stock. Many a doubt, many a qualm, +overspread his clouded imagination: "Must I then," quoth he, "hang +up my own personal, natural, individual self with these two hands! +Durus Sermo! What if I should be cut down, as my friends tell me? +There is something infamous in the very attempt; the world will +conclude I had a guilty conscience. Is it possible that good man, +Sir Roger, can have so much pity upon an unfortunate scoundrel that +has persecuted him so many years? No, it cannot be; I don't love +favours that pass through Don Diego's hands. On the other side, my +blood chills about my heart at the thought of these rogues with +their bloody hands pulling out my very entrails. Hang it, for once +I'll trust my friends." So Jack resolved; but he had done more +wisely to have put himself upon the trial of his country, and made +his defence in form; many things happen between the cup and the lip- +-witnesses might have been bribed, juries managed, or prosecution +stopped. But so it was, Jack for this time had a sufficient stock +of implicit faith, which led him to his ruin, as the sequel of the +story shows. + +And now the fatal day was come in which he was to try this hanging +experiment. His friends did not fail him at the appointed hour to +see it put in practice. Habakkuk brought him a smooth, strong, +tough rope, made of many a ply of wholesome Scandinavian hemp, +compactly twisted together, with a noose that slipped as glib as a +birdcatcher's gin. Jack shrank and grew pale at first sight of it; +he handled it, he measured it, stretched it, fixed it against the +iron bar of the window to try its strength, but no familiarity could +reconcile him to it. He found fault with the length, the thickness, +and the twist; nay, the very colour did not please him. "Will +nothing less than hanging serve?" quoth Jack. "Won't my enemies +take bail for my good behaviour? Will they accept of a fine, or be +satisfied with the pillory and imprisonment, a good round whipping, +or burning in the cheek?" + +HAB.--Nothing but your blood will appease their rage; make haste, +else we shall be discovered. There's nothing like surprising the +rogues. How they will be disappointed when they hear that thou hast +prevented their revenge and hanged thine own self. + +JACK.--That's true; but what if I should do it in effigies? Is +there never an old pope or pretender to hang up in my stead? We are +not so unlike but it may pass. + +HAB.--That can never be put upon Sir Roger. + +JACK.--Are you sure he is in the next room? Have you provided a +very sharp knife, in case of the worst? + +HAB.--Dost take me for a common liar? Be satisfied, no damage can +happen to your person; your friends will take care of that. + +JACK.--Mayn't I quilt my rope? It galls my neck strangely: +besides, I don't like this running knot. It holds too tight; I may +be stifled all of a sudden. + +HAB.--Thou hast so many ifs and ands! prithee despatch; it might +have been over before this time. + +JACK.--But now I think on't, I would fain settle some affairs, for +fear of the worst: have a little patience. + +HAB.--There's no having patience, thou art such a faintling, silly +creature. + +JACK.--O thou most detestable, abominable Passive Obedience! did I +ever imagine I should become thy votary, in so pregnant an instance? +How will my brother Martin laugh at this story, to see himself +outdone in his own calling! He has taken the doctrine, and left me +the practice. + +No sooner had he uttered these words, but, like a man of true +courage, he tied the fatal cord to the beam, fitted the noose, and +mounted upon the bottom of a tub, the inside of which he had often +graced in his prosperous days. This footstool Habakkuk kicked away, +and left poor Jack swinging like the pendulum of Paul's clock. The +fatal noose performed its office, and with most strict ligature +squeezed the blood into his face till it assumed a purple dye. +While the poor man heaved from the very bottom of his belly for +breath, Habakkuk walked with great deliberation into both the upper +and lower room, to acquaint his friends, who received the news with +great temper, and with jeers and scoffs instead of pity. "Jack has +hanged himself!" quoth they; "let us go and see how the poor rogue +swings." Then they called Sir Roger. "Sir Roger," quoth Habakkuk, +"Jack has hanged himself; make haste and cut him down." Sir Roger +turned first one ear and then the other, not understanding what he +said. + +HAB.--I tell you Jack has hanged himself up. + +SIR ROGER.--Who's hanged? + +HAB.--Jack. + +SIR ROGER.--I thought this had not been hanging day. + +HAB.--But the poor fellow has hanged himself. + +SIR ROGER.--Then let him hang. I don't wonder at it; the fellow has +been mad these twenty years. + +With this he slunk away. + +Then Jack's friends began to hunch and push one another: "Why don't +you go and cut the poor fellow down?" "Why don't you?" "And why +don't you?" "Not I," quoth one. "Not I," quoth another. "Not I," +quoth a third; "he may hang till doomsday before I relieve him!" +Nay, it is credibly reported that they were so far from succouring +their poor friend in this his dismal circumstance, that +Ptschirnsooker and several of his companions went in and pulled him +by the legs, and thumped him on the breast. Then they began to rail +at him for the very thing which they had advised and justified +before, viz., his getting into the old gentlewoman's family, and +putting on her livery. The keeper who performed the last office +coming up, found Jack swinging, with no life in him. He took down +the body gently and laid it on a bulk, and brought out the rope to +the company. "This, gentlemen, is the rope that hanged Jack; what +must be done with it?" Upon which they ordered it to be laid among +the curiosities of Gresham College; and it is called Jack's rope to +this very day. However, Jack, after all, had some small tokens of +life in him, but lies, at this time, past hopes of a total recovery, +with his head hanging on one shoulder, without speech or motion. +The coroner's inquest, supposing him to be dead, brought him in non +compos. + + + +CHAPTER XIV. The Conference between Don Diego and John Bull. + +During the time of the foregoing transactions, Don Diego was +entertaining John Bull. + +DON DIEGO.--I hope, sir, this day's proceeding will convince you of +the sincerity of your old friend Diego, and the treachery of Sir +Roger. + +JOHN BULL.--What's the matter now? + +DON DIEGO.--You have been endeavouring, for several years, to have +justice done upon that rogue Jack, but, what through the remissness +of constables, justices, and packed juries, he has always found the +means to escape. + +JOHN BULL.--What then? + +DON DIEGO.--Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would +have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? +By my persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut +him down. + +JOHN BULL.--Who told you that Sir Roger has done so? + +DON DIEGO.--You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services +deserve a better return. + +JOHN BULL.--Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor +scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send +for thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the +meantime, I desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he +first came out of the north country into my family, under the +pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow seemed to mind his loom +and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his head; then he grew +so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government of my whole +family: I could never order anything, within or without doors, but +he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless, tell +him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business +for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find +that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition. + +DON DIEGO.--Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can +recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup. + +JOHN BULL.--Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' +food. She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many +a good pound to have had her so well some time ago.* There are +indeed two or three troublesome old nurses that, because they +believe I am tender-hearted, will never let me have a quiet night's +rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, your mother is taken extremely +ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she has a great emptiness, +wants sustenance." This is only to recommend themselves for their +great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, understands a little of +a pulse. + +* New clamours about the danger of the Church. + + + +CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."* + +* At the Congress of Utrecht. + +Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis +Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and +Nic. asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and +then to steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table +to slip a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put +into John's pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was +about. John had the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse +those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used +great freedoms both with his interest and reputation. One contained +these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly that this blockhead +can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me talk to-night +by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee satisfaction." +Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense quite +forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with +nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!' + +* Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the +negotiation into their hands. + +In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his +guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his +command; that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he +pleased by the people of his own family." In all these epistles, +blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor +John. In others he threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the +rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat +out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and break up the +Meeting." + +* Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without the +help of the English. + +I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as +he read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the +chops, but he wisely moderated his choleric temper. *"I saved this +fellow," quoth he, "from the gallows when he ran away from his last +master, because I thought he was harshly treated; but the rogue was +no sooner safe under my protection than he began to lie, pilfer, and +steal like the devil. When I first set him up in a warm house he +had hardly put up his sign when he began to debauch my best +customers from me. *Then it was his constant practice to rob my +fish-ponds, not only to feed his family, but to trade with the +fishmongers. I connived at the fellow till he began to tell me that +they were his as much as mine. In my manor of *Eastcheap, because +it lay at some distance from my constant inspection, he broke down +my fences, robbed my orchards, and beat my servants. + +* Complaints against the Dutch for encroachment in trade, fishery, +East Indies, etc. The war with the Dutch on these accounts. + +"When I used to reprimand him for his tricks he would talk saucily, +lie, and brazen it out as if he had done nothing amiss. 'Will +nothing cure thee of thy pranks, Nic.?' quoth I; 'I shall be forced +some time or other to chastise thee.' The rogue got up his cane and +threatened me, and was well thwacked for his pains. But I think his +behaviour at this time worst of all; after I have almost drowned +myself to keep his head above water, he would leave me sticking in +the mud, trusting to his goodness to help me out. After I have +beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit, with a plague to him! +he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him here to end +matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over by deed +and indenture as his lawful cully, which to my certain knowledge he +has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather +grapes from thorns? Nic. does not pretend to be a gentleman; he is +a tradesman, a self-seeking wretch. But how camest thou to hear all +this, John? The reason is plain; thou conferrest the benefits and +he receives them; the first produces love, and the last ingratitude. +Ah Nic., Nic., thou art a damned dog, that's certain; thou knowest +too well that I will take care of thee, else thou wouldst not use me +thus. I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, thou +shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable custom." While John +was deep in this soliloquy Nic. broke out into the following +protestation:-- + +"Gentlemen,--I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a +very just and disinterested person. My friend John Bull here is +very angry with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish +bargains. Now I declare to all mankind I should be ready to +sacrifice my own concerns to his quiet, but the care of his +interest, and that of the honest tradesmen* that are embarked with +us, keeps me from entering into this composition. What shall become +of those poor creatures? The thoughts of their impending ruin +disturb my night's rest; therefore I desire they may speak for +themselves. If they are willing to give up this affair, I sha'n't +make two words of it." + +* The Allies. + +John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him, +and withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had +not sat quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion. +Nic. answered little to that, but immediately pulled out a +boatswain's whistle. Upon the first whiff the tradesmen came +jumping into the room, and began to surround Lewis like so many +yelping curs about a great boar; or, to use a modester simile, like +duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes into the country. +One pulled him by his sleeve, another by the skirt, a third hallooed +in the ear. They began to ask him for all that had been taken from +their forefathers by stealth, fraud, force, or lawful purchase. +Some asked for manors, others for acres that lay convenient for +them; that he would pull down his fences, level his ditches. All +agreed in one common demand that he should be purged, sweated, +vomited, and starved, till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of +his neighbours. One modestly asked him leave to call him brother. +Nic. Frog demanded two things--to be his porter and his fishmonger, +to keep the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen. John's +sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants sing psalms +a-Sundays. Some descended even to the asking of old clothes, shoes +and boots, broken bottles, tobacco-pipes, and ends of candles. + +"Monsieur Bull," quoth Lewis, "you seem to be a man of some +breeding; for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs, +that they would speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair +of hands, and as many tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this +rate." John begged they might proceed with some method; then they +stopped all of a sudden and would not say a word. "If this be your +play," quoth John, "that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting, +let us begin some diversion; what d'ye think of rouly-pouly or a +country dance? What if we should have a match at football? I am +sure we shall never end matters at this rate." + + + +CHAPTER XVI. How John Bull and Nic. Frog settled their Accounts. + +JOHN BULL.--During this general cessation of talk, what if you and +I, Nic., should inquire how money matters stand between us? + +NIC. FROG.--With all my heart; I love exact dealing. And let Hocus +audit; he knows how the money was disbursed. + +JOHN BULL.--I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it +between ourselves. Fair and square, Nic., keeps friends together. +There have been laid out in this lawsuit, at one time, 36,OOO pounds +and 4O,OOO crowns. In some cases I, in others you, bear the +greatest proportion. + +NIC FROG.--Right; I pay three-fifths of the greatest number, and you +pay two-thirds of the lesser number. I think this is fair and +square, as you call it. + +JOHN BULL.--Well, go on. + +NIC FROG.--Two-thirds of 36,OOO pounds are 24,OOO pounds for your +share, and there remains 12,OOO for mine. Again, of the 4O,OOO +crowns I pay 24,OOO, which is three-fifths, and you pay only 16,OOO, +which is two-fifths; 24,OOO crowns make 6,OOO pounds, and 16,OOO +crowns make 4,OOO pounds; 12,OOO and 16,OOO make 18,OOO, 24,OOO and +4,OOO make 28,OOO. So there are 18,OOO pounds to my share of the +expenses, and 28,OOO to yours. + +After Nic. had bamboozled John awhile about the 18,OOO and the +28,OOO, John called for counters; but what with sleight of hand, and +taking from his own score and adding to John's, Nic. brought the +balance always on his own side. + +JOHN BULL.--Nay, good friend Nic., though I am not quite so nimble +in the fingers, I understand ciphering as well as you. I will +produce you my accounts one by one, fairly writ out of my own books; +and here I begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't +pronounce the law terms right. + +[John reads.] + +For the expenses ordinary of the suits, fees to judges, puisne +judges, lawyers innumerable of all sorts:-- + +Of extraordinaries, as follows per account . . +To Esquire South's account for post terminums . . +To ditto for non est factums . . +To ditto for noli prosequis, discontinuance, and retraxit . . +For writs of error . . +Suits of conditions unperformed . . +To Hocus for dedimus protestatem . . +To ditto for a capias ad computandum . . +To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus, for audita querelas . . +On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas . . +To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent + and nulla habet bona . . +To --- for a pardon in forma pauperis . . +To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo-de-se . . +To coach-hire . . +For treats to juries and witnesses . . + +John having read over his articles, with the respective sums, +brought in Frog debtor to him upon the balance, 3,382 pounds 12 +shillings. + +Then Nic. Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket, and began to read. + +Nicholas Frog's Account. + +Remains to be deducted out of the former Account. + +Paid by Nic. Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit +. . +To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto . . +To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias, the money not yet all +laid out . . +The coach-hire for my wife and family, and the carriage of my goods +during the + time of this lawsuit . . +For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this +lawsuit . . +To Major Ab. . . +To Major Will. . . + +And summing all up, found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic. +Frog, 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence. + +JOHN BULL.--As for your venire facias, I have paid you for one +already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited. I'll take +care of my nephew myself. Your coach-hire and family charges are +most unreasonable deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any man +in the world my debtor. But who the devil are those two majors that +consume all my money? I find they always run away with the balance +in all accounts. + +NIC. FROG.--Two very honest gentlemen, I assure you, that have done +me some service. To tell you plainly, Major Ab. denotes thy greater +ability, and Major Will. thy greater willingness to carry on this +lawsuit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power +and thy positiveness. + +JOHN BULL.--I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount +on my side in a little time. + +NIC. FROG.--Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a +paltry sum? Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich +John Bull? I wonder thou art not ashamed. Oh, Hocus! Hocus! where +art thou? It used to go another-guess manner in thy time. When a +poor man has almost undone himself for thy sake, thou art for +fleecing him, and fleecing him. Is that thy conscience, John? + +JOHN BULL.--Very pleasant, indeed! It is well known thou retainest +thy lawyers by the year, so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy +expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a +farthing's-worth of anything. Nay, thou hast set up an +eating-house, where the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap +or run. If it were well reckoned, I believe thou gettest more of my +money than thou spendest of thy own. However, if thou wilt needs +plead poverty, own at least that thy accounts are false. + +* The money spent in Holland and Flanders. + +NIC. FROG.--No, marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest +gentlemen--let them judge between us. Let Esquire South speak his +mind, whether my accounts are not right, and whether we ought not to +go on with our lawsuit. + +JOHN BULL.--Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent. Dost think +that John Bull will be tried by piepowders? I tell you, once for +all, John Bull knows where his shoe pinches. None of your esquires +shall give him the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his +side, or has an inch of broadcloth in his shop. + +NIC. FROG.--Why, there it is: you will be both judge and party. I +am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before +these strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy +ruin some time or other. Let it never be said that the famous John +Bull has departed in despite of Court. + +JOHN BULL.--And will it not reflect as much on thy character, Nic., +to turn barretter in thy old days--a stirrer-up of quarrels amongst +thy neighbours? I tell thee, Nic., some time or other thou wilt +repent this. + +But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that +he should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending +the composition. "Since they will needs overload my shoulders," +quoth John, "I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst +them, take it up who dares. A man has a fine time of it amongst a +combination of sharpers that vouch for one another's honesty. John, +look to thyself; old Lewis makes reasonable offers. When thou hast +spent the small pittance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious +figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic. Frog and Esquire +South's generosity and gratitude. If they use thee thus when they +want thee, what will they do when thou wantest them? I say again, +John, look to thyself." + +John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a +little time he should give them law, or something better. + +ALL.--*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years +towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of God, more law, +sir! + +* Clamours for continuing the war. + +JOHN BULL.--Prepare your demands how many years more of law you +want, that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, +farewell. + + + +CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at +Home.* + +Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, +and there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find +that John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. +He resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in +his own family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants +into the most extravagant conceits in the world: that their master +was run mad, and wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the +other; that he had sold his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited +his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that +if they did not look after their master, he would do some very +mischievous thing. When John came home, he found a more surprising +scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was +somewhat extraordinary. + +* Clamours about the danger of the succession. + +He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him +"That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she +knew what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth +John, "thou art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to +have dinner." "That may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't +allow me to dress it till I know whether you intend to do righteous +things by your heir." "I am sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I +must find somebody else, then." Then he called John the barber. +"Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope your honour won't be offended +if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will? If you won't +give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle +for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I will never trust +my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's Dick the butler?" +"Look ye," quoth Dick, "I am very willing to serve you in my +calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing +is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all +to your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see. +If you will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the +ducks." "And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler +that loves my heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and +Pricket the tailor, told him they would most willingly serve him in +their several stations if he would promise them never to talk with +Lewis Baboon, and let Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his +concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that +were not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas. + +JOHN BULL.--Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? +I hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too. + +ANDREW.--No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you +were dead? + +JOHN BULL.--Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is +amazing! + +ANDREW.--I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate. + +JOHN BULL.--That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder +him. + +ANDREW.--But will you make it sure? + +JOHN BULL.--Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I +can make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him. + +ANDREW.--Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. +They say it is eleven points of the law. + +John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired +about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some +intoxicating potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, +o' my faith," quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case +but a little aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by." +He had scarce spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted +him after the following manner:-- + +"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your +safety as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know +whether you will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or +sorites?" + +John now began to be diverted with their extravagance. + +JOHN BULL.--Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all +new to me. + +FRIEND.--It is evident to all that are versed in history that there +were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. +Therefore it plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to +have any manner of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not +lawful for John Bull to have any manner of intercourse +(correspondence, if you will, that is much the same thing) then, a +fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the said John to make over +his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his wife and children +are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger and ratsbane in +his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it must be to do +mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do mischief, +he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as myself +and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that purpose +from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament. + +JOHN BULL.--And this is your sorites, you say? + +With that he snatched a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to +brandish it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door. +Crowding to get out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly +reported some of them dropped very valuable things in the hurry, +which were picked up by others of the family. + +"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as +much concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled +condition, or that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, +Nic., I really cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is +really a pretty sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for +all that." + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what +passed between them. * + +* Private negotiations about Dunkirk. + +I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter +was not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen +of the university of Grub Street. + +John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the +better of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great +steadiness of mind to pursue his own interest through all +impediments that were thrown in the way. He began to leave off some +of his old acquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the streets. +He put on a serious air, knit his brows, and, for the time, had made +a very considerable progress in politics, considering that he had +been kept a stranger to his own affairs. However, he could not help +discovering some remains of his nature when he happened to meet with +a football or a match at cricket, for which Sir Roger was sure to +take him to task. John was walking about his room with folded arms +and a most thoughtful countenance. His servant brought him word +that one Lewis Baboon below wanted to speak with him. John had got +an impression that Lewis was so deadly cunning a man that he was +afraid to venture himself alone with him. At last he took heart of +grace. "Let him come up," quoth he; "it is but sticking to my +point, and he can never over-reach me." + +LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my +behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe +you will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I +was fond of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear +in my body many a black and blue gash and scar, God knows. I had as +good a warehouse and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, +though I say it. But a contentious temper, flattering servants, and +unfortunate stars have brought me into circumstances that are not +unknown to you. These my misfortunes are heightened by domestic +calamities. That I need not relate. I am a poor old battered +fellow, and I would willingly end my days in peace. But, alas! I +see but small hopes of that, for every new circumstance affords an +argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge. Formerly I was to +be banged because I was too strong, and now because I am too weak to +resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and oppressed when +too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are a +gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as +you think fit. + +JOHN BULL.--Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your +neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let +it suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been +rolling a great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come +tumbling down till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing +is best. If you have any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one +may know when you fib and when you speak truth, you had best tell it +me, that one may proceed accordingly. But since at present I know +of none such, it is better that you should trust me than that I +should trust you. + +LEWIS BABOON.--I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us +tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you +at this time. You may safely trust me, I can assure you. + +JOHN BULL.--The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have +something in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it +is concluded. + +LEWIS BABOON.--To show you I deal fairly, name your something. + +JOHN BULL.--I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess. + +LEWIS BABOON.--Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has +been formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it. + +* Dunkirk. + +JOHN BULL.--I shall have it to my own self? + +LEWIS BABOON.--To thine own self. + +JOHN BULL.--Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, +you say? + +LEWIS BABOON.--Just so. + +JOHN BULL.--Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self, +speedily? + +LEWIS BABOON.--When you please; what needs more words? + +JOHN BULL.--But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy +equivocals and mentals in this case? + +LEWIS BABOON.--There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is +believing. + +JOHN BULL.--Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old +boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to +meddle with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old +boy? + +LEWIS BABOON.--Just as much as you have to do with the affairs of +Lord Strutt. + +JOHN BULL.--Ay, but my trade, my very being was concerned in that. + +LEWIS BABOON.--And my interest was concerned in the other. But let +us drop both our pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, +whether I am more likely to make a Master Bull, or you a Lord +Strutt. + +JOHN BULL.--Agreed, old boy; but then I must have security that I +shall carry my broadcloth to market, old boy. + +LEWIS BABOON.--That you shall: Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown! +Remember that. Why wouldst thou not take it when it was offered +thee some years ago? + +JOHN BULL.--I would not take it, because they told me thou wouldst +not give it me. + +LEWIS BABOON.--How could Monsieur Bull be so grossly abused by +downright nonsense? they that advised you to refuse, must have +believed I intended to give, else why would they not make the +experiment? But I can tell you more of that matter than perhaps you +know at present. + +JOHN BULL.--But what say'st thou as to the Esquire, Nic. Frog, and +the rest of the tradesmen? I must take care of them. + +LEWIS BABOON.--Thou hast but small obligations to Nic. to my certain +knowledge: he has not used me like a gentleman. + +JOHN BULL.--Nic. indeed is not very nice in your punctilios of +ceremony; he is clownish, as a man may say: belching and calling of +names have been allowed him time out of mind, by prescription: but, +however, we are engaged in one common cause, and I must look after +him. + +LEWIS BABOON.--All matters that relate to him, and the rest of the +plaintiff's in this lawsuit, I will refer to your justice. + + + +CHAPTER XIX. Nic. Frog's letter to John Bull: wherein he +endeavours to vindicate all his conduct, with relation to John Bull +and the lawsuit. + +Nic. perceived now that his Cully had eloped, that John intended +henceforth to deal without a broker; but he was resolved to leave no +stone unturned to cover his bubble. Amongst other artifices he +wrote a most obliging letter, which he sent him printed in a fair +character. + +"DEAR FRIEND,--When I consider the late ill-usage I have met with +from you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it, +but upon a narrow inspection into my conduct, I can find nothing to +reproach myself with but too partial a concern for your interest. +You no sooner set this composition afoot but I was ready to comply, +and prevented your very wishes; and the affair might have been ended +before now, had it not been for the greater concerns of Esquire +South and the other poor creatures embarked in the same common +cause, whose safety touches me to the quick. You seemed a little +jealous that I had dealt unfairly with you in money-matters, till it +appeared by your own accounts that there was something due to me +upon the balance. Having nothing to answer to so plain a +demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar with +your reputation; when it is well known not only I, but the meanest +servants in my family, talk of you with the utmost respect. I have +always, as far as in me lies, exhorted your servants and tenants to +be dutiful; not that I any way meddle in your domestic affairs, +which were very unbecoming for me to do. If some of your servants +express their great concern for you in a manner that is not so very +polite, you ought to impute it to their extraordinary zeal, which +deserves a reward rather than a reproof. You cannot reproach me for +want of success at the 'Salutation,' since I am not master of the +passions and interests of other folks. I have beggared myself with +this lawsuit, undertaken merely in complaisance to you; and if you +would have had but a little patience, I had still greater things in +reserve, that I intended to have done for you. I hope what I have +said will prevail with you to lay aside your unreasonable +jealousies, and that we may have no more meetings at the +'Salutation,' spending our time and money to no purpose. My concern +for your welfare and prosperity almost makes me mad. You may be +assured I will continue to be + "Your affectionate + "Friend and Servant, + "Nic. Frog."* + +* Substance of the States letter. + +John received this with a good deal of sang-froid; "Transeat," quoth +John, "cum caeteris erroribus." He was now at his ease; he saw he +could now make a very good bargain for himself, and a very safe one +for other folks. "My shirt," quoth he, "is near me, but my skin is +nearer. Whilst I take care of the welfare of other folks, nobody +can blame me to apply a little balsam to my own sores. It's a +pretty thing, after all, for a man to do his own business; a man has +such a tender concern for himself, there's nothing like it. This is +somewhat better, I trow, than for John Bull to be standing in the +market, like a great dray-horse, with Frog's paws upon his head. +What will you give me for this beast? Serviteur Nic. Frog, though +John Bull has not read your Aristotles, Platos, and Machiavels, he +can see as far into a mill-stone as another." With that John began +to chuckle and laugh till he was like to have burst his sides. + + + +CHAPTER XX. The discourse that passed between Nic. Frog and Esquire +South, which John Bull overheard.* + +* Negotiations between the Emperor and the Dutch for continuing the +war, and getting the property of Flanders. + +John thought every minute a year till he got into Ecclesdown Castle; +he repairs to the "Salutation" with a design to break the matter +gently to his partners. Before he entered he overheard Nic. and the +Esquire in a very pleasant conference. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Oh, the ingratitude and injustice of mankind! That +John Bull, whom I have honoured with my friendship and protection so +long, should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no +more money for me! that the family of the Souths, by his sneaking +temper, should be kept out of their own! + +NIC. FROG.--An't like your worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the +rogue should be compelled to his duty. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--That he should prefer his scandalous pelf, the dust +and dregs of the earth, to the prosperity and grandeur of my family! + +NIC. FROG.--Nay, he is mistaken there, too; for he would quickly +lick himself whole again by his vails. It's strange he should +prefer Philip Baboon's custom to Esquire South's. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--As you say, that my clothier, that is to get so much +by the purchase, should refuse to put me in possession; did you ever +know any man's tradesman serve him so before? + +NIC. FROG.--No, indeed, an't please your worship, it is a very +unusual proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the +world. If your honour had not a great stock of moderation and +patience, you would not bear it so well as you do. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--It is most intolerable, that's certain, Nic., and I +will be revenged. + +NIC. FROG.--Methinks it is strange that Philip Baboon's tenants do +not all take your honour's part, considering how good and gentle a +master you are. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--True, Nic., but few are sensible of merit in this +world. It is a great comfort to have so faithful a friend as +thyself in so critical a juncture. + +NIC. FROG.--If all the world should forsake you, be assured Nic. +Frog never will; let us stick to our point, and we'll manage Bull, +I'll warrant ye. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Let me kiss thee, dear Nic.; I have found one honest +man among a thousand at last. + +NIC. FROG.--If it were possible, your honour has it in your power to +wed me still closer to your interest. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Tell me quickly, dear Nic. + +NIC. FROG.--You know I am your tenant; the difference between my +lease and an inheritance is such a trifle as I am sure you will not +grudge your poor friend. That will be an encouragement to go on; +besides, it will make Bull as mad as the devil: you and I shall be +able to manage him then to some purpose. + +ESQUIRE SOUTH.--Say no more; it shall be done, Nic., to thy heart's +content. + +John all this while was listening to this comical dialogue, and +laughed heartily in his sleeve at the pride and simplicity of the +Esquire, and the sly roguery of his friend Nic. Then of a sudden +bolting into the room, he began to tell them that he believed he had +brought Lewis to reasonable terms, if they would please to hear +them. + +Then they all bawled out aloud, "No composition: long live Esquire +South and the Law!" As John was going to proceed, some roared, some +stamped with their feet, others stopped their ears with their +fingers. + +"Nay, gentlemen," quoth John, "if you will but stop proceeding for a +while, you shall judge yourselves whether Lewis's proposals* are +reasonable." + +* Proposals for cessation of arms and delivery of Dunkirk. + +ALL.--Very fine, indeed; stop proceeding, and so lose a term. + +JOHN BULL.--Not so neither; we have something by way of advance: he +will put us in possession of his Manor and Castle of Ecclesdown. + +NIC. FROG.--What dost talk of us? thou meanest thyself. + +JOHN BULL.--When Frog took possession of anything, it was always +said to be for us, and why may not John Bull be us as well as Nic. +Frog was us? I hope John Bull is no more confined to singularity +than Nic. Frog; or, take it so, the constant doctrine that thou hast +preached up for many years was that thou and I are one; and why must +we be supposed two in this case, that were always one before? It's +impossible that thou and I can fall out, Nic.; we must trust one +another. I have trusted thee with a great many things--prithee +trust me with this one trifle. + +NIC. FROG.--That principle is true in the main, but there is some +speciality in this case that makes it highly inconvenient for us +both. + +JOHN BULL.--Those are your jealousies, that the common enemies sow +between us: how often hast thou warned me of those rogues, Nic., +that would make us mistrustful of one another! + +NIC. FROG.--This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention. + +JOHN BULL.--It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as +peaceable as a lamb. + +NIC. FROG.--But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and +soil, the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to +accept of such a quagmire. + +JOHN BULL.--You are a great man, Nic., but in my circumstances I +must be e'en content to take it as it is. + +NIC. FROG.--And you are really so silly as to believe the old +cheating rogue will give it you? + +JOHN BULL.--I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall +by that. I am resolved to put him to it. + +NIC. FROG.--And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a +claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever. + +JOHN BULL.--Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping +pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee +something to take it off my hands. + +NIC. FROG.--If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient +temper of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all +that. What shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his +paternal estates and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do +thy heart good, to see thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? +Then thou and thy wife and children should walk in my gardens, buy +toys, drink lemonade, and now and then we should have a country +dance. + +* Claypool, Paris--Lutetia. + +JOHN BULL.--I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in +Ecclesdown Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis +gives this as a pledge of his sincerity; if you won't stop +proceeding to hear him, I will. + + + +CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of +Ecclesdown Castle.* + +* Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of +Dunkirk. + +When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his +pity; he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave +his wife and children in a starving condition, if John did abandon +him; that he was hardly able to crawl about the room, far less +capable to look after such a troublesome business as this lawsuit, +and therefore begged that his good friend would not leave him. When +he saw that John was still inexorable, he pulled out a case-knife, +with which he used to snicker-snee, and threatened to cut his own +throat. Thrice he aimed the knife to his windpipe with a most +determined threatening air. "What signifies life," quoth he, "in +this languishing condition? It will be some pleasure that my +friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous man that has been +the cause of it." All this while John looked sedate and calm, +neither offering in the least to snatch the knife, nor stop his +blow, trusting to the tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When +he perceived that John was immovable in his purpose, he applied +himself to Lewis. + +"Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a +sharper in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown +Castle to John Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it +me, and I'll make it worth thy while. If thou dislikest that +proposition, keep it thyself; I'd rather thou shouldst have it than +he. If thou hearkenest not to my advice, take what follows; Esquire +South and I will go on with our lawsuit in spite of John Bull's +teeth." + +LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am +resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the +consequences. + +NIC. FROG.--Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.--With +that Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your +nimblest tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to +snatch the cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis +with it: John held it fast so that there was no wrenching it from +him. At last Squire South buckled to, to assist his friend Nic.: +John hauled on one side, and they two on the other. Sometimes they +were like to pull John over, then it went all of a sudden again on +John's side, so they went see-sawing up and down, from one end of +the room to the other. Down tumbled the tables, bottles, glasses, +and tobacco-pipes; the wine and the tobacco were all spilt about the +room, and the little fellows were almost trod under foot, till more +of the tradesmen joining with Nic. and the Squire, John was hardly +able to pull against then all, yet would he never quit hold of his +trusty cudgel: which by the contrary force of two so great powers +broke short in his hands.** Nic. seized the longer end, and with it +began to bastinado old Lewis, who had slunk into a corner, waiting +the event of this squabble. Nic. came up to him with an insolent +menacing air, so that the old fellow was forced to scuttle out of +the room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He called to Nic., "Thou +insolent jackanapes, time was when thou durst not have used me so; +thou now takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I am, I shall +find a weapon by-and-by to chastise thy impudence." + +* The army. +** The separation of the army. + +When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with +Nic.: "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy +great complaints; really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for +a consumptive man. As for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do +thee any service, I freely make over to thee this profitable +lawsuit, and I desire all these gentlemen to bear witness to this my +act and deed. Yours be all the gain, as mine has been the charges. +I have brought it to bear finely: however, all I have laid out upon +it goes for nothing--thou shalt have it with all its appurtenances; +I ask nothing but leave to go home." + +NIC. FROG.--The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a +trial; thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded +in thy name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are +shut, the turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.* + +* Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk. + +JOHN BULL.--Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as +open to me as thyself, if I can't pass with my own equipage, what +can I expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied passage through +those very grounds that I have purchased with my own money. +However, I am glad I have made the experiment; it may serve me in +some stead. + +John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of +Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am +just a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting." + +Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth. + +JOHN BULL.--I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire, +and that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their +belly full of law. + +Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with +disdain, and beckoned the lawyers to follow him. + +JOHN BULL.--B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't +you shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.--With that John marched out +of the common road, across the country, to take possession of +Ecclesdown. + + + +CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got +possession of Ecclesdown.* + +* Dunkirk. + +When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his +plank after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer +says, was as glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after +hearing a long cause upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was +equal to that of either of the two; he skipped from room to room, +ran up-stairs and down-stairs, from the kitchen to the garrets, and +from the garrets to the kitchen; he peeped into every cranny; +sometimes he admired the beauty of the architecture and the vast +solidity of the mason's work; at other times he commended the +symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about the gardens; +he bathed himself in the canal, swimming, diving, and beating the +liquid element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded with the +sprightly violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped it +about, and capered like hailstones bounding from a marble floor. +Wine, ale, and October flew about as plentifully as kennel-water. +Then a frolic took John in the head to call up some of Nic. Frog's +pensioners that had been so mutinous in his family. + +JOHN BULL.--Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle? + +ALL.--Yes, indeed, sir. + +JOHN BULL.--Extremely glad? + +ALL.--Extremely glad, sir. + +JOHN BULL.--Swear to me that you are so. + +Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person +in the world rejoiced more than they did. + +JOHN BULL.--Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of +perjured rascals; however, take this bumper of October to your +master's health. + +Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to +Nic. Frog.-- + +"How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause +goes on swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool, +Nic.? Wilt thou buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my +daughters? How comest thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old +Lewis given thee a rap over thy fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a +good one when I wielded it, but the butt-end remains in my hands. I +am so busy in packing up my goods that I have no time to talk with +thee any longer. It would do thy heart good to see what wagon-loads +I am preparing for market. If thou wantest any good office of mine, +for all that has happened I will use thee well, Nic. B'ye, Nic." + + + +POSTSCRIPT. + +It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir +Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By +diligent inquiry we have found the titles of some chapters, which +appear to be a continuation of it, and are as follow:-- + +CHAP. I.--How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement. +How he kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and +down-stairs, and put himself in a great Heat thereby. + +CHAP. II.--How in his Passion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's +head with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping +the blow, by laying his Head upon the Dresser. + +CHAP. III.--How some of John's Servants attempted to scale his House +with Rope Ladders, and how many unfortunately dangled in the same. + +CHAP. IV.--Of the Methods by which John endeavoured to preserve the +Peace amongst his Neighbours. How he kept a pair of Stillyards to +weigh them, and by Diet, Purging, Vomiting, and Bleeding, tried to +bring them to equal Bulk and Strength. + +CHAP. V.--Of False Accounts of the Weights given in by some of the +Journeymen, and of the Newmarket Tricks that were practised at the +Stillyards. + +CHAP. VI.--How John's New Journeymen brought him other guess +Accounts of the Stillyards. + +CHAP. VII.--How Sir Swain Northy* was, by Bleeding, Purging, and a +Steel Diet, brought into a Consumption, and how John was forced +afterwards to give him the Gold Cordial. + +* King of Sweden. + +CHAP. VIII.--How Peter Bear* was overfed, and afterwards refused to +submit to the course of Physic. + +* Czar of Muscovy. + +CHAP. IX.--How John pampered Esquire South with Tit-bits, till he +grew wanton; how he got drunk with Calabrian Wine, and longed for +Sicilian Beef, and how John carried him thither in his barge. + +CHAP. X.--How the Esquire, from a foul-feeder, grew dainty: how he +longed for Mangoes, Spices, and Indian Birds' Nests, etc., and could +not sleep but in a Chintz Bed. + +CHAP. XI.--The Esquire turned Tradesman; how he set up a China Shop* +over against Nic. Frog. + +* The Ostend Company. + +CHAP. XII.--How he procured Spanish Flies to blister his Neighbours, +and as a Provocative to himself. As likewise how he carried off +Nic. Frog's favourite Daughter. + +CHAP. XIII.--How Nic. Frog, hearing the Girl squeak, went to call +John Bull as a Constable. + +CHAP. XIV.--How John rose out of his Bed on a cold Morning to +prevent a Duel between Esq. South and Lord Strutt; how, to his great +surprise, he found the Combatants drinking Geneva in a Brandy Shop, +with Nic.'s favourite Daughter between them; how they both fell upon +John, so that he was forced to fight his way out. + +CHAP. XV.--How John came with his Constable's Staff to rescue Nic.'s +Daughter, and break the Esquire's China Ware. + +CHAP. XVI.--Commentary upon the Spanish Proverb, "Time and I against +any Two;" or Advice to Dogmatical Politicians exemplified in some +New Affairs between John Bull and Lewis Baboon. + +CHAP. XVII.--A Discourse of the delightful Game of Quadrille. How +Lewis Baboon attempted to play a Game Solo in Clubs, and was bested; +how John called Lewis for his King, and was afraid that his own +Partner should have too many tricks; and how the Success and Skill +of Quadrille depends upon calling a right King. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of History of John Bull, by J. 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